#im sure none of this makes any sense. but it has been the experience of my every waking moment for weeks

[stemmmm]

it's been a full month of my wife and their brother talking about gravity falls every single second of the day. ive been worn down. bill cipher's got me. i fell for it. but know this: it's only because that old man (young at the time) tried to entrap him

[amazinglyashy]

hi hi~ i have a silly request if you're interested (⁠.⁠ ⁠❛⁠ ⁠ᴗ⁠ ⁠❛⁠.⁠) can i request the lads men's (pre-relationship) reaction to the reader introducing them to their boyfriend? but plot twist... its a fictional virtual boyfriend! just like the game love and deepspace LOL who would get jealous? who would have beef with a fictional man?? /JK

PS: im not sure how to say this properly but u like, write them so attractively 😵 if that makes sense, like the little quirks u give them and the dialogue, whoo weeeee 100/10!

This made me laugh because I still remember introducing my bf to my Obey Me boyfriends and kept trying to figure out which one was the most like him so he could buy me merch of them and push his personal agenda. Sadly none of them are like him, but now that I play LDS, Rafayel sure is! Thank you for the request! I had fun with this one! (And oh my gosh, that's such a compliment!! Thank you so so much, it means a lot!!)

Pre-relationship LaDS men react to your fictional game partner

Rafayel -

Who would have beef with a fictional man?

Rafayel would have beef with a fictional man.

He did not wait centuries for you, searching high and low for his lost love in every dark alley and bad idea that came across him- to lose to a bunch of pixels on a tech screen.

Truthfully, he knows it's all in good fun, and he's not completely jealous. He's actually pretty glad you found a nice outlet that helps you with relieving stress from you day to day. He knows you need it.

He's just... going to be now competing secretly with a fictional figure.

He thinks its secret.

You know what he's doing.

Why else would he be asking you what the latest event is in your game with your fictional partner, and then miraculously a week later you're receiving the very same things or experiences in reality on your day off?

He's not slick at all, and honestly, you find it pretty endearing.

But also, something you won't ever consider- is maybe he's doing those things for you, not only to make you happy, but to show you just how much attention he pays to the things you tell him about.

That's okay.

You don't need to know that part.

Zayne -

Zayne is not at all threatened by whoever this 'Jumim Hen' guy is.

Yes he is mispronouncing it on purpose. No he will not correct himself until he's gotten enough humor out of it and frustrated you enough about it.

Once that happens, he'll start pronouncing it correctly and if confronted about his change in pronunciation, he will pretend you need a wellness check and request you make an appointment with his secretary.

Smooth way to spend more time with you while subtlety calling you crazy.

He mostly does just think it's cute, though.

He will buy you food from places that might be having game events that get you special merchandise or in-game prizes, even if you don't realize there's a surprise event happening because it wasn't advertised in your game.

No, he's not weird and expects you to stop playing once the two of you start dating. He realizes it's something you enjoy a lot, and he actually finds a lot of pleasure in listening to you ramble about situations that are happening in your game.

He finds most things you do endearing.

Sylus -

You're giggling over it, that's all the matters to him.

He is rubbing the bridge of his nose though, because you had been building up to this moment for over a week and he was convinced you were going to show him an actual psychopath or something and he was going to have to figure out a way to make the man disappear without you realizing it was Sylus's doing.

He probably won't make any vague comments about how your fictional boyfriend is strangely similar to himself and that maybe you have a type.

Probably.

(He will make one per day.)

(At least.)

Once you're dating him, he has some access to your device and the game, simply so that he can reload your currency whenever you go to sleep. He doesn't want you to run out, and he knows you love playing. What else is his money good for if not for making you smile?

Doesn't understand it, but he does make mental notes of your current progress in the storyline and which characters you like. But sometimes he'll pretend to forget an important detail.

He loves hearing you babble about anything, after all.

Xavier -

He was a bit confused at first, but figured out what was going on rather quickly.

He thinks it's adorable, like when he first found out how much you love claw machines and the plushies inside of them. He doesn't see it as much different- the love interests are your plushies in the game, and your fictional partner is your favorite "plushie".

Easy.

Xavier has lowkey cosplayed your game boyfriend at least once, acting innocent about it and as if it was completely unintentional.

If you're dating by then, he lets you 'borrow' the clothes, so now you have an article from your game, but it also smells like he does. He's only allowed them back once they lose their scent.

He only accepts gratitude and payment for the favor of wearing them again in the form of snuggling with him on the couch, his arms wrapped up around you as he nuzzles into your neck.

He needs your "help" for a little bit.

It's the least you can do.

[lettersfromverabookreview]

The Percy Jackson Saga

What a saga! I´ve still yet to finish it (while writing this, but i´ll post it when I finish it), but it´s SO fun, such a light read.

My history with Percy Jackson series has MANY comes and goes and it intercepts with many characters of my life that definitely not align with the Percy Jackson books at ALL. Seriously, If by any chance you´re a pre-teen reading this and you seem to be a bully who reads percy jackson, why do you think percy has SUCH a bad time in the school?? Anyway, getting over the personal comment….

I was mainly attracted to it because the series has come out (watch it !! its definitely interesting) but the nostalgia has come back with a kick and I definitely relate to little Percy, Annabeth and Grover (none of them would love me calling them little, but they are kids!!! Give them a SECOND of peace please), a little misunderstood, a little lost, not only when I was a teenager, but now on my 20s I can def relate (in a sense) to this lost feeling.

I doubt it ever goes away, Hell (or Hades?), Its difficult even to the gods what is happening in the books!! Everyone has to make tough decisions every once in a while, sometimes is whether to have the literal sky to help the goddess Artemis to fight Atlas, sometimes is leaving a job!

And I definitely relate to the strand of white hair after going trough the stress. And yes, everyone has a difficult choice and sometimes some are tougher than others, (like cmon… my job change example its what Ive been going through but Im guessing that maybe having the sky on your back may be a lil more difficult) but difficult choices are difficult choices, and these books have helped me, at least, to get anxious over whether Percy was going to be able to save his mom, instead of me getting anxious of my life choices.

I´m sure that anybody reading this may be going through a tough time (I mean, not to wish that upon you, and if you say “nah thanks i´m good, having the best time of my life” great for you!!) and i definitely believe that these books may seem focused for children, and yes, the repetition of what happened the last books that appears in every book after the first one, it sure is annoying, but overall its a huge break for the brain! Its a nice reading, a nostalgic one, and a hug to the heart.

A good reminder that good friends are worth lifting the sky and more, that families may not be what we always expect, that blue food is DOPE, that what we see may not always be what it truly is, that friends are not always what they seem to be, and that enemies (or people who we are taught are “enemies”) may not always be enemies.

[Finally, as a last comment since I´ve finished reading now] Sometimes it is not only good but necessary to go back to your child-self. To embrace new experiences with the forgiveness of a mother, the strength of an adult, but also for the inner ability of a kid that's learning how to walk, to stand immediately back up and continue trying. Embrace your strength but also your weaknesses, continue always learning, get around people you would sacrifice yourself for. Remember that its good and also essential to rest (sometimes on a lost island surrounded by the daughter of Kronos that's actually good and leaves you with a bunch of questions), and never forget to get back home (or at give out a sign when you're well so that everyone around you knows that you´re fine, turning the light blue of the Empire State can be an example).

If you´re going through high school, read this.

If you´re a lil lost, read this.

If you´re pretty sure you may be a lost child to a Greek god, yeah sure, but also read this.

If you wanna learn more about greek myths! I mean they are not super explained sometimes, but they sure deserve a good google search afterwards, which is good brain food!

If you really like sloooooow burn romances, yeah maybe you may like this (super far from the actual trama of the story but its so TRUE how long Percy takes to realize y´know…the thing)

If you like cute Cyclops, who are NOT murder machines, read this!!

And you must definitely read this if you like the water!! -Vera

[sillylilyposting]

scrolling through the lorch tag again and seeing all the people defending her is making me go nuts

like so many people say we shouldn’t be “harassing” her or that she’s spent years being lied about

but lets say- lets say if none of this is true- she does the same thing- harassment of critics, calling out points, lying for years about multiple things and her critics

then she is no better than us.

and yet none of her fans point out that hypocrisy-

and even if “we started it” she still continues doing so and sometimes worse than what “we do to her”

is there some awful people calling her out and being transphobic and fit what she claims we are? probably, but to label everyone who criticizes her like that is ridiculous

-🪶(idk thought i needed a sign off, been sending a lot of ask but i am not risking my main being harassed)

So

Im sure every trans person including Lily unfortunately experiences transphobia at some point

I think broadly my problem is dilution if you answer every criticism levied against you from every person, including other transgender people or people known to support or are in the larger lgbt community with

"THEY MUST BE TRANSPHOBIC!"

Really Lily?

I think that post said it best how Lily's most vocal critics tend to be people in that very same community

Like if all her critics were belligerent anti-lgbt people (like she claims) why would they care about... even pretending to be accepting of her identity or engaging in good faith at all?

If her critics are all in on it why would they put up this facade????? That doesn't make any fucking sense at all!

[lifkk]

i’m penning a little response on here so people from other spaces can read my whole rant in one place.

for context, here is the tweet in question:

-

-

my initial gut reaction is here : https://www.tumblr.com/lifkk/765584667298693120/i-shouldnt-be-surprised-but-im-quite

and now here is my little essay on transmisogyny in the melee scene!

i’m generally not online so much but i was shared this tweet and it really lit my fuse so i logged on and poked fun at it. i could’ve guessed without looking but it’s obvious that the community at large doesn’t have an issue with this distinction. let me just say first and foremost that this is simply a drop in bucket of transphobia / misogyny and because lately it has been literally inescapable, im going to approach the few situations i have access to with scrutiny and a critical eye. i’m not going to dispel any ridiculous claims that some might make regarding trans people being jealous or something - none of those are in good faith, so i won’t bother even addressing them seriously. so, let’s get into it!

i’ll start by saying this is inherently divisive. what i am NOT saying is that the distinction between cis and trans is unimportant. i would never say this categorically; there are many times where the nuance is important. this case, i believe doesn’t fit into those times. trans women are women, which means they would also face misogyny. not only does this show on an individual level but at a larger social level too. trans women face misogyny in the same ways that cis women face misogyny in these settings. i’m not sure how im supposed to “prove” this, i think it’s a bit dehumanizing to ask someone of this, but just for example ive had men i’ve met at events harass me and send me dms that were inappropriate, ive felt othered because of my gender which led to apprehension in joining a community largely occupied by men. personally i did not play melee competitively before transitioning. i played some as a kid with siblings and while i was forced into hobbies i fundamentally didn’t enjoy because my parents thought i was a boy, i also had hobbies that were traditionally feminine and ones that were neither. the reason i bring this up is because i see some over generalizing viewpoints as well as incorrect assumptions regarding socialization.

gaming has become a more diverse and accepting space - there are issues that obviously still persist - but to simplify, it’s safer for those who are not white guys to exist in than it once was. trans women were not accepted in these spaces not only because they are queer, but because they are WOMEN. meaning : they are going to have a hard time getting into these spaces because of misogyny. that might look like trans women not having a community behind her passion OR (and i think less acknowledged) it could be a trans women not even trying to engage in a hobby because of the misogynistic barriers in place. all that to say: trans women are facing similar if not largely the same barriers a cis woman would face attempting to join such a space.

i think that some people, with or without knowing it, view trans women as a sort of in between of man and woman. not necessarily in an explicit, invalidating sense where they don’t see them as their gender, but in that they believe trans women went through a growing up and socialization process close enough to men that they are inherently far from cis women in that respect. trans women are simply not socialized as men. they generally do not undergo and accept the roles, expectations and sense of self in society that men and boys do. however, if you think that they do (which in all honesty i can’t blame many people for thinking this because of the rhetoric and language around “transitioning” in cis people’s lives is not nuanced) you can expect trans women to have a similar experience at a young age to boys, and thus imagine them not hitting social barriers a cis woman would. which as i’ve described, is just not the case.

so when you decide to celebrate a woman’s win and you certify it as a win for a cis woman, what are you doing? you’re not celebrating a win exclusive to women because you are excluding a population that broke the same barriers. if a trans woman won the biggest event ever, a victory over all the top players, we celebrate this as a momentous achievement for women, the first to do it; then a cis woman wins the next equally significant event and it was called the “first win for cis woman,” do we not understand how divisive and dismissive this is? how instantly this reduces the win of a trans woman because we imagine she, what, possibly didn’t have quite as hard a time as her cis counterpart? this is not a simply recognition of a specific population. the idea that they MUST and CAN be bisected is simply transmisogyny. a win for a woman is a win for women no matter if they were assigned it at birth or not.

[dumbpuppycatgirl]

how do I tell if I’m trans

(sorry your my only transfem moot (I think))

Short answer:

I know because being a girl(-adjacent being) makes me happy. Moving towards happiness helped me (even though i sabotage myself at every step every day)

See also:

https://amitrans.org/

https://turn-me-into-a-girl.com/

https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en

My full story under the cut:

My story starts in 2020, like so many modern trans stories do, when i was stuck online and found a new community where someone came out as trans. I asked her a lot of questions and she told me to experiment.

So i experimented, i bought skirts and other clothing online; bought like an anime school girl outfit because idk cute?

I started pretending to be a girl on reddit and discord when i joined a large overwatch server under a mew account, trying out several names.

On reddit i also started looking into trans memes and started reading experiences of trans people.

Within a few months i had made a first decision for myswlf really sternly: i do not want to be a guy.

I started talking about it with my therapist and she was very helpful and supportive.

The community i joined at the start of this story i found more friends and more queer friends and we were joking around having fun.

A real life friend bought some make up for me when i talked with her about me questioning, which was very nice but even 3 years later i have barely actually used any of it. I am terrified of make up, and hate seeing my face. Always hated seeing my face.

In my reading and relating to trans stories i stumbled upon the three websites linked above. The genderdysphoria bibke eslecially was extremely helpful.

After making that first decision around december 2020 and getting help from resl life people around early 2021 it still took forever to answer "if not a man, then what?" Im not sure i have the answer now. What i have figured out now that i have tried make up, wear more femme clothing, go by a fem name and changed my legsl gender is that im generally much happier being a woman.

Im not sure im a woman, or at least maybe not always, but "woman" is much much closer to what i 'am' than "man", if that makes sense.

During the second half of my questioning phase, when i read the dysphoria bible, i started realising that mayyyybe there were hints during my childhood... wanting to play a girl character during the one singular open theatre day i attended when i was like 11 or so might have been a clue.

I realised that my obsession with TF-TG comics was not a cis thing lmao. I realised that men generally dont feel "cursed" to have the body they have.

I did make some changes to my body over time, though, as i started living on my own also in 2020 to be a student i had much more freedom to do things secretly. Bought jewelry to wear inside only, and dyed my hair, which was amazing.

During the summer of 2021, my cousin got married, and i had to wear a suit, of course, which felt painful. Cementing my not wanting to be a man feeling. Dead eye smile all the way.

Later that year i had some talks with my brother about feeling so extremely limited in my choices for clothing and expression and what not and that being a man felt like a prison. He was very nice about it and said that clothing is not gendered if youre not a coward. I liked that a lot.

Soon after i came out as trans fem to my close online friends (none of who were surprised). Meer my now boyfriend that winter and everything was great.... except no one irl knew.

Still took me 3 months to come out to my neighbours (student living so i spent a lot of time with them) and my family. Both coming out messages were sent over WhatsApp at like 2 am and turned off my phone and locked the door. Coming out is hard.

Since then, now 2.5 years later, it had not been all roses and sunshine. But it has been better. I started to feel like i was a person, i started being able to think about a future, beyond extremely surface level, "guess, I'll get a job somewhere and get s house idk". My dad remarked that i stood much more upright when wearing my dress than when boymoding.

My parents luckily took it extremely well, they kinda also had to, as since my coming out my 2 brothers have also been fruity lmao. Within 6 months my family went from "good christian family with 3 sons" to having a trans girl, a gay and a femboy. Im still convinced my mom is an egg. I like my queer family.

Anyway, moral of the story is this: experiment and do what makes you happy. I still dont know how to label myself completely but that is also not too important. Im much happier with myself now than before.

[goodolme]

Im sick rn so can i get the rottmnt boys taking care of a sick y/n who has Pharmacophobia aka the fear of medicine/pills

Thank you and remember you don't gotta do it if you don't wanna

♡ sick day, inside day ♡

Pairings: The Turtles x platonic! Reader

Pronouns: none used.

Warnings: Sickness and pharmacophobia (fear of medicin/ pills)

Notes: I wasn’t sure if you wanted all of them together or separated so I'm gonna do both.

I hope you got better, so sorry for taking so long.

I would have loved to go a little more in depth about pharmacophobia but my brain is fried right now.

♤ Raph ♤

I have the feeling that Raph would be the kind to know what to do better than any of his brothers.

I mean, he is the oldest, he's been through this more times than he can count, add to that the fact that Splinter didn't exactly pay that much attention to them unless he thought they were going to die or something like that.

He probably got really scared when he found out you were sick and quarantined you until Donnie could figure out what was going on with you.

He would treat you as if you were his number one priority, at least until you started getting better.

He would bring you food to the bed and was very thoughtful in general.

He understood your not so friendly relationship with medication and would definitely wait for you to be comfortable with taking it or would just wait with you until the illness was gone.

♡ Leo ♡

He would shrug it off as not a big deal at first until it got pretty bad.

He definitely doesn't have a clue about what he's doing or supposed to be doing but he tries nonetheless.

One time he tried looking up your symptoms online and may have already had planned your funeral if it wasn't for his dad telling him that it was a simple cold. He goes to either Raph or his dad for help from then on.

I don't think you would have that much of a hard time with medication since he barely knows what any of them do. The two of you just agreed to not go get them unless it felt like you were dying.

In the case you were almost dying, he , once again, would go to his dad or Raph. Maybe Donnie on rare occasions but he doesn't like his brother rubbing it on his face.

◇ Donnie ◇

With Donnie I feel like you would, once again, be quarantined and up for investigation about what is wrong with you.

He would try exposure therapy with you, it didn't go well at first but after a while it got a little better. You're still not completely comfortable with medications and stuff.

He would know exactly what to do when a person gets sick (at least in his eyes).

He may go a little overboard sometimes.

I have the feeling that he would try to experiment with some other forms of curing an illness or new medications that are made by him and not sketchy at all.

But he would but an end to it if you told him to.

♧ Mikey ♧

I have the feeling that Mikey would be pretty similar to Raph in the aspect that he would treat you as his number one priority (not that the rest wouldn't, just that he would the most you know?)

He would actually know what he's doing, either because he actually knows about that kind of thing or just because of his hunch.

He knows you have problems with medication and he probably waits until you're ready to take the big step.

He would definitely cuddle or just stay with you for as many days/ nights as necessary.

He would probably tell you the stories of the things he and his brothers did that day.

○ All ○ (platonic btw)

I have the feeling that you being sick would be similar to how Splinter being sick is, without the overly complicated plan to take advantage of your state (if that makes sense).

Of course they would take care of you and stay by your side as any friend would.

They would definitely take turns watching over you to make sure everything is okay and you don't die basically.

The first time you got sick of course after getting worried and asking close to a thousand times if you were okay they tried to give you medication and of course that didn't fly with you and you may have attempted to run away from them... that didn't go well.

The whole day was spent chasing after you in the maze that is the sewers. They even had to call April for backup.

You may have gotten lost a couple times but they eventually found you (definitely not because of Donnie and his... strange methods) and brought you back to the lair.

[bumblingest-bee]

bee’s thoughts on the sweeney todd revival!!

idk if recordings just didn’t do him justice or if he’s improved as his run has gone on, but i did truly enjoy aaron as sweeney. to be clear he’s still not a baritone but he didn’t struggle with the range as much as i’d feared. unfortunately but not unexpectedly he didn’t have that deep resonance that the role should have, yet at the same time he almost made up for it with the sheer intensity of his acting. (almost.) i REALLY enjoyed that he did a proper cockney accent - it was surprisingly good and fit his take on the character very well. he was genuinely frightening and impressively intense at times (his “how about a shave?” section in epiphany was a highlight for me) but at other times he was. aaron tveit. overall while still i wish they’d cast a proper baritone on the role, aaron was wonderful in his own way and im very very glad i saw him. the fact he was aaron tveit in a very tight shirt may or may not have helped.

guys. folks. sutton was FUCKING INCREDIBLE. i know, i am just as shocked as you, but she was born to play mrs. lovett. i’ve never laughed so hard at worst pies in my life. i can’t say enough good things about her which is insane bc i’ve been joking about her casting since the beginning. vocally, she knew exactly when to turn on the deranged lansbury style belt and when to sing it straight. i won’t lie her accent was much better than annaleigh’s (I’M SO SORRY). acting-wise, she was just hysterically funny; over-the-top without being over-the-top, if that makes any sense at all. just a really truly delightful take on the role.

JOE LOCKE. HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK. i came in knowing nothing about him but thinking he was stunt casting and i was SO wrong. he was, bar none, THE best toby i have ever heard. he made the role sound completely effortless with a gorgeous classical tenor that turned into a high belt so powerful it made the couple in front of me nearly leap from their seats in amazement.

jamie jackson’s deeply creepy judge and john rapson’s slimy, flamboyant beadle made the perfect dickensian villain duo. they were THE essential ingredient to the atmosphere of the show, which they just about stole.

maria bilbao was a wonderfully unnerving, constantly in anxious motion, adorably sweet johanna. she and daniel yearwood (who was lovable and vocally gorgeous as anthony) had great chemistry. ruthie ann miles was, of course, perfect as the beggar woman, heart-wrenching and unsettling and probably the best acting performance out of the whole cast.

the entire ensemble was brilliant - of course i’ve got to give a special mention to pirelli because that contest was the funniest one i’ve ever seen. also shoutout to hennessy winkler who was on as jonas fogg!

the sets were great, though at times i wished there was a bit more of them instead of being minimalist for the sake of it. the choreography was used to great, unnerving effect at times (that stumbling in the opening ballad!) though sometimes i wished they’d just stay still for god’s sake. two things that stood out to me: the blood effects were very effective, and the sound design in the bakehouse was so creepy.

for a 26-piece orchestra you’d think they’d make it a bit louder. compared to other big orchestra shows i’ve seen the instruments felt a bit tinny and canned at times, despite the fact that they really turned it up for some songs, proving that they could!! in any case i was just very very glad to hear that gorgeous full score at any volume.

overall it was a brilliant experience - though im not sure how much of that is due to just how fucking good the material is no matter what you do with it. it wasn’t perfect, but i laughed so hard i cried (and just plain cried) and got goosebumps about every five minutes. so happy i got to attend the tale ❤️🥧❤️

[cringelordofchaos]

HELLO FELLOW JACKSON'S DIARY FAN

WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR A FEW OF MY THEORIES FOR JD? Yeah you do.

Please tell me your thoughts. 1) S1 E1 started with Jackson's dream, S2 E1 started with Exer's dream, so S3 E1 might start with David's dream, or maybe someone else's. 2) Throughout S2, Timothy got a few close-ups, so he might play a bigger role in S3. 3) Since we're pretty sure Lucy-furr was created by the diary, it's possible that she already had powers before getting hit with Exer's lightning bolt.It would also explain why she wasn't hurt by Exer's bolt, maybe having the powers means she isn't affected by his? Then again, Exer would get electrocuted so idk. 4) Harry has seen the doodle of Lucy right before she was taken by Exer, he's also read through most of the diary. He might start realizing that Jackson and Exer are connected by it in S3. 5) Marco (Pamela's older brother) is mentioned to have had terrible experiences from high school, so we might get a backstory for him 6) now that Jackson somewhat understands how the diary works, do you think he'll get revenge on Exer for all of the bullying? Would he give himself magic? There are so many things he could do with it now, but I hope he tells someone (probably Pamela or the detention kids) about it first. SORRY FOR THE LONG ASK, I JUST DON'T KNOW MANY OTHER JD FANS AHDFKAJDHFKAH

HELLO

im sorta outta my jd obsession for now but I'll definitely return in a bit

I think that makes sense, but I am also not exactly sure of it? Cuz I feel like the focus has always been on more Exer and Jackson rather than anyone else bc they both specifically have smth to do w magic. (Jackson is the only one who can see it and was directly attacked by it, Exer creates the magic, you get it?) Though it would make sense for him to take more center. I say all this cuz him having a dream at the start of a season would imply that HE would get more attention that season (like Exer w season 2) sorry if none of what I had said made any sense

That would be cool !!!

Oh that actually makes sense? It could also be that Jackson simply created a normal cat, and then it was given magic, but that seems pretty plausible

Exers dad has got to find that detail out at one point, even though it would traumatize him to death and back he would then probably find out more details abt how it affected Exer and what he could've goje through

Oh that would also be cool! Though he doesn't seem to have much of a role besides being Pamela's Cool Older Brother with occasionally advice to give to her, it would be nice to get more out of his character

THIS SHIT. I'VE BEEN THINKING ABT IT AND. IDK. I think it's a bit more probable that he just stops using the diary all together or experiments a bit and he'll probably have multiple breakdowns over it. HOPEFULLYYYY He talks to someone about it. Maybe he'll try to get an absolute confirmation from Exer to see if he's actually dating David first though I'm not sure if he would directly ask it. Maybe. Just maybe he would feel a bit guilty? Or fulfilled ?? Knowing that Exer DID feel the same pain Jackson did ?? Like Jackson wished for during one therapy session??

FELL FREE RO ASK MORE QUESTIONS SORRY I RUSHED THE ASK ANSWER

[intoloopin-archive]

MAKE BELIEVE IT'S HYPER REAL.

starring: Lee Hanjae, Im Yoora; featuring: mentions of Fukunaga Haruki, Jeon Heejin, fellow LOOPiN and Hashtag members; set in: Mid September, 2022. word account: 5,401 words. tws: none that came to our notice!

author's notes: 1. Yoora belongs to the amazing, talented, brilliant Amber, and can be find at @hshtag​ alongside all of her show stopping bandmates! This piece was originally a thread we did together over Discord, which was a first (successful attempt of making that format work, lkkdj) for me. I’d like to use this space again to thank her for making this experience fun, and for being so patience with me as always! Other then that, the uhze: 2. English is not my first language, and it might show to a native speaker or someone who’s more fluent then I am. I tried my best to iron this piece out, but if any grammatical errors flew over my head, I hope they don’t ruin the overall experience. With that out of the way, have a good read!

Hanjae sets the phone tripod at the center of the room more or less at the height of his chest – which totally isn’t housing a heart beating like a drum –, and tries his best to not let it slip through his fingers – that very much aren’t shaking like a leaf – when he takes his cell phone out of his back pocket and opens the front camera. He raises his head – which, for the record, absolutely doesn’t feel like it’s going to explode with a migraine at any minute – just to find his undeniable meek reflection all over the mirrored walls of the Melody Media practice room already looking at him, his two restless eyes just right there, obvious for Yoora to see, and point at, and comment on.

Drying his palms on his jeans, Hanjae mutes the thought and turns around at her. He says, with a tiny smile that feels terribly wobbly on his face, “All done. We can, you know, do the thing. And by the thing, I mean– the dance thing, that we planned, which is why I’m here. Ha. All done for that.”

He coughs, just to make up an excuse to shut up. For very little, he doesn’t give in to the urge to bang his head against the wall. Fuck. Fuck. He really gotta learn how to be subtle someday.

Hanjae knows he has no real reason to be anxious; it’s Yoora, whom he trusted with his most chaotic truths, whom in the years they’ve been friends, saw all of his oddest habits and transparent flaws and still allowed him to stick around. Maybe the only person in the world who’ll understand why he wants to do what he wants to do, why this is the only plan that makes sense, and still, he starts quivering every time she does as little as look at his direction.

He clears his dry throat, gethers all the little courage he still has in him, stored for the stages and the fans, and decides to try again: “Uh, actually, Yoora, before we do anything, can we– Do you feel like sitting down? I really, really feel like sitting down.”

And Hanjae sits down, crossing his legs on the cold floor and letting his hands go to cover his face, no longer trying to not look like the poster child for a meltdown.

Yoora was exceptionally tired today. She was normally worn out on most days, but it was different somehow. She wasn’t really sure why she agreed to film a whole dance routine with Hanjae, but maybe it was because he sounded a little desperate, like he really needed her there, so she complied and tried to fight off the sudden waves of exhaustion she felt whilst they practiced the choreo before they had even decided to start filming it. 

It was clear that Hanjae seemed a little off recently and Yoora had noticed this. At the beginning, it could’ve been the occasional bad start to his day to explain why he had been acting like this but he began to seem more and more distracted and tense as the days moved by. Yoora wanted to ask Hanjae what was going on, but she didn’t want to force him into telling her all his thoughts just because she wouldn’t stop bothering him about it. 

Even during their meeting, he seemed extremely awkward, if not nervous. That’s what confused Yoora, what was there to be nervous about? Sure she got nervous around Hanjae sometimes, but that’s because Yoora was just always nervous around people in general, it would take a long time before she began to get comfortable with them, and before that, would come a whole string of awkward situations or conversations due to Yoora’s lack of communication.

She heard Hanjae clear his throat uncomfortably causing her to break herself out of her thoughts that were endless. Yoora watched as he restlessly looked around the room for something to focus his attention on when he suggested that the pair should sit down instead of filming the video, just when they had perfected everything and finally managed to stay in sync with each other without someone making the wrong move or turning the wrong way. 

Hanjae sits down and Yoora sits next to him, smiling. “Sure, we can sit down for a bit. I’m actually getting kind of bored of repeating the same moves over and over again, I need a break.” She breathes out, pressing her hand against her chest to steady her breathing. “You look like you have something to say, you keep wanting to speak then pausing. Is that why you brought me here?” Yoora asks, rapidly, not bothering to give him time to answer the questions and firing them at him instead. 

She nudges his shoulder, leaning against him. “Whatever it is, you can tell me, it’s a judge free zone when I’m here.” Yoora states, fidgeting with the bracelets that adorned her wrist. “Whatever it is, It’s serious right? You’ve been acting weird all week because of it. So, what’s going on?” 

Yoora is gentle with the nudge, still, Hanjae’s body sways to the side at the impact. What’s not going on, he thinks, but doesn’t say.

What he does says it’s something that he hasn’t got the chance to speak out loud yet. It's been tormenting him like he’s holding onto it for years, not less than a month. A piece of truth so secret it comes out of his mouth in a rush, like pure word vomit: “The thing is Haruki and I, we– well. We’re not– having fun anymore. Permanently. That’s– I wanted to tell you that.”

It’s been well over three weeks since they both had sat down inside that rented car in nowhere South Korea, no plans to where to go, no fixed destination, and what should have been another weird date had turned into a disaster when all of Hanjae’s suppressed emotions exploded on his face. He’s never been a spontaneous person, but he thought he could pretend to be anything as long as he had been doing it for the sake of finding love at the end of the road. He can’t believe that for a bit, he really thought there would be love at the end of that road.

Hanjae recognizes now that he doesn’t have a clear idea what love even means.

How can he start to explain these feelings? Yoora knows the nature of their whole situation, spared the occasional nauseating detail – the side of the story that is not in his business to tell, because it’s Haruki’s and Haruki’s only. Hanjae couldn’t bring himself to stay quiet in front of what was arguably one of the closest friends he ever had about what had been, at some point, something important.

They weren’t ever dating, but he and Haruki weren’t not not dating either. They had been stuck in this weird Can We, Can’t We game for four endless months, and Hanjae never did get around to learning all the rules before he had enough and found himself wanting out. 

He takes a pensive pause, collecting all of his thoughts, searching for the right words. He fidgets with one of Yoora’s shoelaces until it unties, a timid attempt to amuse her through his silence – he really likes the sound of her laugh. Hanjae’s not particularly funny, but he wishes he had some comedic talent just to be the cause of it more.

She’s the right one for this, the loud thought that popped into his head days ago returns, louder; Yoora can make it all work.

“I ended it, you know, and I tried to do it gently, but I don’t think it worked in the end,” he clarifies with a helpless shrug of his shoulders. “He’s been weird, ever since. Distant, but not just with me, and– I know I messed up, and I misunderstood things, I then made them worse, but I keep having this one thought– Like I know what could help, really help him and me, I guess, but it’s not something I can do alone, or ask just anyone’s help, so… Enters you, maybe, but just if you want, okay? No pressure. None at all.”

Hanjae dares to reach for her hand and when he gets a hold of it, squeezes gently. He wants to look her in the eye as he says it all, from now on, so he does. “But what I want to ask you first, Yoora, is if you trust me enough to do something a bit crazy with me.”

She snorts quietly, attempting to hold back her laughter. She notices how long it takes for Hanjae to answer and just looks at him. It’s quite funny that she can almost see the cogs in his brain turning as a crease between his eyebrows appears, signaling that he’s still lost in thought. When he finally does answer, Yoora is a little shocked. “So, what you’re saying is, you two aren’t together anymore? Like, seriously?” He nods in reply and her eyes begin to water a little. It wasn’t because she was upset, definitely not, she had no right to act that way, it was due to the fact that she felt bad for Hanjae. 

His whole life story could make Yoora cry. She had always felt some sort of lingering remorse for him, especially when they first met. He seemed like a quiet person, the odd one out of a bunch of evens but it suited him. Even if he was the odd one out, it always made him seem different and different was always good for Yoora. She hates silence, she absolutely hates having to sit quietly for too long, or avoid the awkwardness that comes with it but when it comes to Hanjae and Yoora, silence is always comforting for her. Maybe it was just Hanjae’s presence, but she could sit and do nothing with him forever and not once say that she was bored. 

Maybe it meant that they were soulmates or something. Yoora didn’t really get that stuff very much, it all confused her, how could you possibly be soulmates with someone you haven't met yet? Her view changed a little once she began to get closer to Hanjae, she was certain that now, soulmates definitely meant something to her. They also had so much in common that it was easy for them to become friends. Yoora had friends, but none of them were like Hanjae. Hanjae understood every single choice or action Yoora would do, because he would’ve done it too. It was as if they just clicked together, like a puzzle piece, and couldn’t function properly without the other.

As Yoora lays her head on Hanjae’s shoulder, she can feel him begin to untie her shoelaces, which makes her smile a little. She finds it funny, she finds everything Hanjae does funny. He may not think it, but Yoora thinks Hanjae’s the only person she knows that’s naturally funny without trying too hard. She would laugh if she could, but she doesn’t have enough energy for that, so instead she lifts her head up and turns her body to look at him. “I laughed internally, now can you please re-tie them?” Yoora asks, using her head to point down at the shoelaces draped across the shiny floor. 

He listens and finishes tying Yoora’s shoelaces when he begins another sentence. “Sometimes ending things gently isn't the best thing for both parties. ‘Cause then it just makes everything seem like it was perfect, when it wasn’t.” She replies with a small, tight smile on her face. “Of course he’s gonna be distant Jae, Haruki’s probably got a lot going on and ending whatever you two had, was just something else he could add on to his king list, you know? Don’t stress too much about it, one day he’ll be back to normal and you guys can rebuild your friendship, somehow.” Yoora chooses her words carefully, not wanting to say something she shouldn’t by accident since she knows she’s getting a little more nervous as time passes by. 

Hanjae’s hands feel softer and warmer than usual, or Yoora’s paying too much attention to them. He squeezes her hands, and it puts her at ease. The nerves die down once they make eye contact with each other. Yoora has never been good at holding eye contact, but at this specific moment, it didn’t seem like a challenge, just a normal reflex. She’s always noticed how detailed Hanjae’s eyes were and how depending on the light, they would get lighter or darker. They were pretty, much like him. “You know that I trust you, and I’d help you with almost anything,” She pauses. “As long as I’m not like murdering someone, I’m in.” She gently removes one of her hands from his hold and slaps him on the arm. “Hurry up and tell me! I’ve been waiting for too long.”

“It’s not murder,” Hanjae says, lips curling up despite everything. He can feel a small wave of relief starting to wash over him, as Yoora’s encouraging energy takes over all around the room, gently untying the knot on his chest.  “The idea I had was more… simple.” 

“I figured that the quickest way to make it all normal again, might be just to show him that I moved on, because I really did move on. I’m doing fine with all the feelings– there’s not even that many to consider. Things were never all that nice between us, but nothing about it came close to crushing me. I don’t feel like running off to a mountain and becoming chaste for the rest of my life. I’m not gonna just give up all relationships, that’s not the right thing to do, but I feel that’s he’s assuming I’ll do, for some reason I don’t get. I think it would be good to make him think I’m seeing someone else soon– someone that he knows I like and that likes me, in a way, like you, because you’ve been my friend for a while and… You see what I’m hinting at? Maybe?”

The thing is: Hanjae doesn’t want to rub it all over Haruki’s face and parade Yoora around in a fake relationship as a big ‘got ya’ moment, that’s far from being a part of his plan, but he does want him to see that progress is a real option. Hell, if he weren’t such an introvert and Dispatch was never a thing, he really would be trying to get himself out there instead of running to Yoora with a grand scheme.

What’s really breaking his heart here is that no matter what he’s tried to say these last few days, no matter what he’s tried to do, Haruki just can’t recognize they both had been at fault; he keeps acting like a criminal waiting to be convicted, which is far away from the truth. For all the times Haruki had been evasive, and mean, and acted inconsiderate of his very obvious feelings, Hanjae had been terribly selfish to match, demanting time he knew his bandmate could not give him, ignoring the few real terms and conditions he got for the sake of signs he made up out of thin air.

But just because they couldn’t get the steps right between them, it doesn’t mean they can’t do this dance with other people.

There’s a joke here somewhere, about being about to make this one ask in this setting, with the one person Hanjae feels like he could dance with without his feet failing him. He has the feeling that he can’t deal with the punchline just yet. 

“So, with all that in mind,” Hanjae prompts, letting his free hand hover over Yoora’s wrist and picking over the jewelry around it, just as she did shortly ago. He’s looking up at the ceiling as he finally asks, "Would you fake date me, Yoora?”

It’s a bit ridiculous, but he feels himself blushing, out of all things. Hanjae has only had relationships that started off on the wrong foot so far; the only girlfriend he did have was still the partner of a friend when they first kissed, which definitely isn’t a feat to be added to the highlights of his teenage life. He doesn’t think he’s ever been in a situation where he even got to ask this one question to anyone seriously, which is a realization that makes him feel a bit sad.

He tries to not let his face fall again as he amends, quickly and firmly because Hanjae knows it’s important to get this one thing out of the way: “I’m not trying to do with him what Heejin did to you, Yoonnie, I promise. It wouldn’t be real, and it wouldn’t be long.”

“I didn’t think you were capable of killing anybody anyways, don’t worry.” Yoora giggles, letting out the laughter she’d been holding back for a while. She wanted to keep the mood light since Hanjae seemed uncomfortable with whatever idea he wanted to propose to her. “No, I totally get it. You want to prove to him that you’re capable of seeing other people and that he hasn’t, like, completely ruined your dating life forever.”  Yoora hums, nodding at his words to indicate her understanding. When she says she gets it, she really does get it. She felt the same exact way when she had just broken up with Heejin, she had moved on so quickly that Yoora didn’t even get a chance to be upset or anything, she had to move on quickly as well. 

That’s what she hated about Heejin, how unfair she was, she was always making things difficult for Yoora during their relationship but it made her feel better knowing that Hanjae understood where they were both coming from. Their situations may not have been similar, but they had the same exact feeling when it was over. “I would love to say that I know where you're heading with this explanation, but I’m getting a bit lost over here..” Yoora trails off, not knowing what else to say to continue the conversation. She had a lot of questions to ask, but she wanted Hanjae to finish speaking before she got too confused and fired all her confusement at him. 

Yoora averts her attention back towards Hanjae’s face, studying his anxious expression as his eyes flick upwards. “Sure, I'll be your fake girlfriend, what’s the worst that could happen?” She replies, uncrossing her legs and stretching them back out. Realistically, no-one should agree to something like this so quickly but Yoora was Yoora, meaning that she would do just about anything as long as it didn’t lead to her death.

She had sort of gotten the hints earlier, but didn’t want to jump to any conclusions. Hanjae finally blurting out what was plaguing his mind confirmed her initial thoughts and Yoora was quite proud of how fast it took her to get the gist of what he was trying to say. 

The only thing she was worried about was how she was going to convince everyone else that it was real. Obviously her group members would notice that something was off with her, but she didn’t want to tell them anything without Hanjae’s permission, in case it ruined whatever he had planned. Yoora wasn’t very good at keeping secrets from people closest to her, she was a good secret keeper in general, but this one was a little too big to hide. She feels the beads around her wrist tighten and loosen as they’re picked and Yoora somehow finds it quite calming, she’s not afraid or anything, just a little jittery after thinking about too many things at once. Bringing her legs closer to her chest, she notices the faint blush painted over Hanjae’s face. She wants to smile at how easy it is for the boy to be flustered over simple things, but decides to keep it hidden so that she doesn’t ruin the serious atmosphere.

“Oh don’t worry, I know you’re nothing like Heejin. You’d be a better fake boyfriend than she was a real girlfriend, anyways.” Heejin had many flaws, so there was no reason for Hanjae to reassure Yoora. The only thing they had in common was the first letter of their names and Hanjae had always been a good friend to Yoora, helping him out with this one small thing was the least that she could do for him. “It could be as long or as short as you wanted it to be and I would still help you, I’m in.” Her shoulder collided with Hanjae’s as she leant back a little to stretch out her sore limbs. “We have to be careful about it though. We should make a list!” She suggests excitedly, clasping her hands together as things come together in her head.

Hanjae lets out his first real laugh of the day – or maybe the week, he isn’t quite sure how long it’s been – as Yoora reassures him Heejin isn’t a concern, as well outrights gets on board with an enthusiasm that, somehow, has cemented in him. He doesn’t like to think of himself as someone who seeks much validation, but it would be a lie to say her approval doesn’t make him feel confident. There’s nothing to disapprove of, anyway: it’s a good, harmless plan. 

Hanjae mimics her stretching, raising his long arms up and spinning his head to relax his neck, then gets up to go fetch his abandoned phone to put his Notes app to use. She’s right, after all. They’re remarkably bad liars, and will need to construct this out if they want to be convincing.

“I did want to treat you to something to eat, after everything had been discussed, so that could be our first ‘date’? It's been a while, right, since we got to go out?” He pauses. “Our PR manager has been insisting I go out more with ‘friends that remind me to take photos’. I need material to add to my Fab and Instagram feed.”

Hanjae lets himself chat away as his cloudy mind dissipates, leaving him with only two troughs to fixate over. 

The first is a surprising realization: Hanjae is pretty sure that this might be the easiest bit he’s ever attempted to keep up. Haruki will only need as much as hear him saying ‘I’m seeing Yoora’ once to get it, and none of his other members have ever cared enough for what he does to ask too deep into it or even register any plot holes if he gives them a story, except for maybe Seungsoo and Jiahang, but that's just because they both need gossip to live more than food and water.

There’s a very small chance Dylan will want more than the odd detail into his dating life from now on, since he's seemed to have picked up something of what went on, which Hanjae always knew had been a bit inevitable given his current position as Haruki’s roommate and latest emotional hostage. In a way, Chihoon might have been the one who planted this fake dating idea into his head with all the romcoms he made them sit through ‘for no reason at all, dude’, so it’s only fair.

The second thought, louder and more exciting, is simple: Hanjae is just optimistic that by doing this, they can just go all in on the light and fun and make this ‘relationship’ exactly how they want it. Hanjae’s a bit of a romantic, he admits, and the limitations that come with being an Idol haven’t stopped him from wanting to do silly couple routines like matching outfits or even outright sharing things.

He gives Yoora a discreet up and down, and finds himself suppressing a smile. Hanjae knows from experience that all of his jackets look big enough on her to cover her hands, when she wears them – it would be very, very nice if she did wear them more.

He taps into his phone ‘topic of conversation: couple look’, and tries not to look too pleased.

Yoora thinks Hanjae’s laugh suits him, and it doesn’t seem forced like the hundreds of other ones she’s encountered, it sounds exactly like him.

“I’m being serious! I hate not having everything planned out in front of me, we can just use that notes app, right?” She asks as she watches him open his phone and scroll to the said app. She had always been someone who needed everything to be planned out, otherwise she was sure she wouldn’t be able to keep things going. Or maybe that was because Yoora wasn’t an organized person and wanted at least one thing to go perfectly planned in her life. 

“Yeah, It has been a while since we hung out properly, without any hidden meanings or something and it is true, you definitely need to take more photos. Your fans are probably questioning what you’re doing right now.” Yoora smiles and gently hits him on the shoulder as she remembers how empty Hanjae’s instagram looks compared to her constant posting schedule. If she didn’t keep to the schedule, she’d probably be yelled at a few times, but it was easy for her to stick to it since she loved taking photos and social media in general. She also loved to be anywhere but the company building or the group’s dorm; it always felt too cramped there despite the fact that there were only five other people that took up the rest of the space Yoora wasn’t using. 

As Hanjae goes silent, she realizes that she has no idea how she was going to attempt to hide this from the rest of her members. They simply wouldn’t understand if Yoora just sprung it upon them and told them that she now had a boyfriend, it would be too weird or oddly timed. But then, she didn’t really want to tell them everything about the situation at hand, it wasn’t really her place to share anything that Hanjae had chosen to share with her out of trust for the girl.

Yoora didn’t feel any sort of resentment towards Haruki, but his name being brought up always made her feel bad for him, and Hanjae. Whatever they had trapped themselves into was a tough journey, especially with what they both had going on, it seemed like neither was truly happy. 

This led Yoora to her current thought, how was she meant to act? Obviously, she knew how to be a girlfriend, but she didn’t know how to be a fake girlfriend. She wasn’t sure if it required different needs to what regular relationships needed and Yoora wasn’t sure that she was a good actress. She already knew Hanjae could act, and it was clearly a gift of his, but she was a little short on that end. Maybe she could practice, or maybe she was thinking too much and getting too into the whole fake relationship mentality, but that’s just how her brain always worked. It was always coming up with stupid ideas, so she wasn’t surprised that she agreed so quickly, she had nothing better to do. 

It wasn’t as if she saw Hanjae’s proposal as a simple task or a good way to cure her boredom, but Yoora had absolutely no reason for her to object because it didn’t really affect her negatively or positively and Hanjae was as close to being her best friend as anyone could get to, she was simply helping him out. She was scared to get too deep into her thoughts and decided to shrug it off, coming to the conclusion that she would just have to figure everything out a little later.

“Okay…what other rules are we meant to have? Oh! We have to be really careful to not get caught, everyone needs to believe that it’s real, I know it’s obvious but it’ll ruin everything if we do.” The way Yoora was pushing her words together so they came out too quickly showed how interested she was getting, and when she was interested in something, she was never going to let it go. Yoora placed her hand on her chest, groaning quietly. “Actually, I’m exhausted, anything else I need to know?”

Hanjae will not lie: there are a billion steps they might need to take to orchestrate this pretend boyfriend and girlfriend scheme – improvising is really not his forte, and he personally could overthink this for hours on end, but–

Yoora brings her hand in front of her face to hide a yawn, and suddenly Hanjae’s hit with the delayed realization that they’ve been doing choreography for hours with little to no filmed content to show for it, since he looked like he was at his wits end during most of it. A part of him feels drained, too, physically but especially emotionally, maybe even for way longer than he allowed himself to stop to think of.

He might need a very intense drum session to work all the lingering tension off this weekend, or even an improvised retreat into Taesong’s yoga corner of the living room. He hasn’t had enough time to sit with just himself, lately.

This operation should start soon, yes, but not exactly right now. No good plan is made in one single sitting, and Hanjae can barely think of dos and don’ts now, when his knee muscles are threatening to start killing him in minutes.

“No,” Hanjae says to her, softly. “Just that– Thank you again for saying yes, Yoonie. I’ll try my best, with you. Even if it’s pretend, I’m not gonna mess it up. I promise.”

To himself, he goes deeper into the vow, and swears that he’ll not make a mess while trying to fix another. Hanjae will easily let Yoora go, when the time’s right, and he’ll be grateful for her time and for her help, and it’ll be all. He’s not going to suffocate her with a million ideas of what the two of them should look like, to pass as a couple in his eyes. He’ll not get too used to it to forget why they’re doing it in the first place. He’ll not want something he can’t have despite his selfish and grabby nature.

It’ll be a good and fun exercise, and– a flash of when they first met comes to his mind, of how captivated he was by Yoora and her everything – it could be a challenge, which he’s okay with. Maybe there is some sort of tiny part of Hanjae that needs something to put his strength to the test, a monitored try-out before he’s dunk into the big dating pool, some evaluation he can pass and deem himself… adjusted.

(He feels his jaw tense up immediately. He might have gotten Haruki’s initial deal with him better just now. Yikes. Big, big yikes.)

In front of him, Hanjae sees Yoora enthusiastically nod, hair swinging side to side, cracking a smile that communicates relief and amusement. He’s struck by the sudden urge to buy her heart shaped chocolate as a joke, probably. He starts mentally tracing roots to all the confectionery places nearby, but stops himself before his hand itches for his phone. 

Hanjae walks side by side with her to leave the room, stops by the door to crack it open, and just as Yoora is about to pass him by, he makes a less dubious humorous decision: Hanjae signals for her to stop, takes off his nylon jacket and places it over her shoulders, almost like it’s a cape. It’s a bit awkward and clumsily done, but that’s part of his goal. Their shared laugh is light, and it radiates fun.

More than anything, he wants to show Yoora that he’s serious, but just the type of committed serious one can be while playing pretend. Nothing is going to change, when it’s just the two of them. They’ll keep on being friends, which is what they’ll always like each other for.

Maybe that’s the complicity you should feel, he thinks just then, quicker as the practice room lights being turned off after he presses the switch; when you have a partner.

Sometimes, it’s really hard for Hanjae to believe that he’ll ever get to know.

[fatratbabyy]

hi! i really love your designs, the colours are always really well done anf the characters are full of life.. and i love how your rewrites give the characters complexity and make them really interesting to me, much more so than canon(though i am a fan of some ideas introduced there, they don’t quite turn out in ways that make sense to me)! i’ve been wondering a few things about helluva troupe for a while however and hopefully the answers aren’t spoilers, lol.. in HT, what is Fizz’s involvement with the ‘troupe’ and what is stolas’s involvement too.? i wish you much luck on your work as it is lovely to see! (also apologies for my silly username)

Thank You!

Thank you so much that means a lot!! waaAahee! It makes me happy to see people interested 🥺👉👈

With Fizz it's,,, a bit Fuzzy, because hilariously he's the whole reason I made this AU among other things But I ended up makinh him a sorta side character antag again because while originally he was going to be part of the main crew from the start of HT's storyline, as I went along in trying to write I saw some cool hcs about his star clown days and so I thought to use the more canonized view- mostly in that he's a star clown during the events of HT instead of dropping the show life to join Blitz in I.M.P. That previous version is why you see him in the I.M.P references- and hinty hoo that ol version isnt completely null and voice to the current HT

ANYWAY so yeah- While Fizz isn't as much a main character as he was he still has a great deal of importance to the story and themes I want to express in HT. When it comes to him and the Troupe itself, I could best describe him as one of the biggest foils or parallels to the main cast. Just,, he's this golden image that represents their every want fulfilled. For Blitz especially given their thick history heehooo. (That's not to say this 'golden image' is entirely as it seems btw...)

Now it sounds much like canon I know but I like to think I'm taking a different direction with it- It's not really just the "haha you suck with relationships, fuck, shit, pénis im doing better look at my good relationship" nonsense cuz for 1. Fizzarozzie does nOT exist anymore- its Mamzie now 😊 (Mammon + Ozzie) and 2. The themes with Fizz and really most of HT has less to do with the melodramatic romance "will they wont they" of Stolitz (which isnt really a thing either) and more the struggle impoverished and oppressed peoples experience with success, failure, identity, community, family, status, history, trauma, etccc. Specifically, because I am an indigenous person from Canada, a lot of the themes are drawn from my own experiences, knowledge and history as an indigenous person. Though with execution, creative liberties were taken to make the fact they're in Hell clear btww-

That very likely did nOT answer jour question but i amn,,,stoopi 😭😭😭 simpler answer i suppose maybe by chance would be Fizz is an eventual antagonist to I.M.P. Specifics and how it happens and wheNNN?? Im still not sure yet if im honest- been really busy the last year or so and so Ive hadnt had any time or energy to work as much on writing all the things! ;u; thats probs disappointing to hear cuz plaNNing and all is important if you're gonna post story stuff at all,,, but !! I do hope to work more on the story this year so i can wrap up all these floating ideas into a Concrete line of stuff cuz truly all im missing is the middle pieces. Maybe an HT comic will be real this/or next year! 👀🏃

ANYHOOT ONTO STOLAS! i rambled a bit too much about Fizz cuz im still figuring him out- Stolas might be a bit shorter cuz his role is sweet and simplisticerr.

So, Stolas is an antagonist. He and Blitz still have an exchange sort of deal, but the deal is Blitz gets to keep the grimoire for I.M.P if he handles Stolas' "errands" and gives it back on the full moon with ofc none of the uh,,hawny stuff, obv. Blitz kinda keeps this deal under wraps from the rest of I.M.P because for him, it hurts his pride to admit he's in need of some big guy's help. And Stolas is somewhat aware of this. And so, Stolas is this looming, cruel threat that Blitz carries the burden of cuz he's stubborn as fuck whilst the rest of I.M.P remain ignorant.

Some bonus notes that dont really have to do with Stolas involvement with imp but jus how stuff ive changed with his canon influence the story diff than canon; so, Stella isnt a thing anymore. In general the Goetia work much differently- majority of the Goetia being the children of Ozzie instead of Paimon (who is Stolas' sibling now btw too) and the Goetia being thousands of years old instead of fucking 30- Also! While Via is existant she is but a baby instead of a moody teen,, ties heavily with Stolas' motives and how he operates as a character, royal, and Goetian and felt it would work better with how HT Stolas is as a character than it would otherwise.

Also no worries about the username! I dont like canon stolas much either lol,,;

I apologize if this didnt answer much 😭 feel free to let me know if you wanna hear about somn else gwahgh 🏃

[theorahsart]

hi im really sorry if this comes off the wrong way, but I saw your comic and I wanted to ask a question. thing is the 'gradient' version of the autism spectrum made a lot of sense to me. cause I literally do feel "a little autistic" (again I'm so sorry if this comes off wrong! I don't want to be one of those people who's like everyones a little autistic) I have a little bit of a lot the symptoms but not enough/causes enough issue to actually be autistic/asd. e.g. I struggle with eye contact occasionally - sometimes people look over their shoulder and I realise I've been staring over their shoulder instead of making eye contact - but again only occasionally. I occasionally struggle with sarcasm (I used to struggle A LOT but I've gotten better) but again only really a little more than average - not nearly as much as my family for example (I'm fairly certain my mum has ASD but I don't want to armchair diagnose). I used to be overly sensitive and prone to tantrums but not really any more. I am definitely INCREDIBLY PRONE to stimming. routines - I am very prone to routines, the only way I get things done each day is by having a specific order I do them in and I get uncomfortable when someone breaks that routine - but also my own inability to do things and manage my time causes me to REGULARLY break my own routines. I get overstimulated by lights/noises/smells, more than average but not really that much that its debilitating, and not any more often than my friends or family. the one that finally prompted me to send this ask - I just recently learned that autism affects motor control and I recalled mum saying both her and I have poor spatial awareness which I think relates to motor control.

HOWEVER again even though I kinda have a little bit of everything im definitely not autistic. I speak with a normal tone and I only have very slightly poorer social skills than average. I didn't have any delays in development - started speaking at the right time and all. also all my symptoms are slight and none interfere with daily living.

anyway my point is the "little bit autistic" made a lot of sense to me and I was wondering if you could consolidate what I experience with the points you've made? or maybe what I'm experiencing is just normal, maybe everyone struggles with eye contact, understanding expressions etc. from time to time, in which case im very sorry for wasting your time and downplaying autistic struggles

Hello anon! Thank you for the question- I'm sure lots of people maybe wonder the same thing, so I will answer as best I can (I'm sorry for the long answer, I like giving lots of context)~

So first of all, yes, everyone struggles with all the same things autistic ppl struggle with from time to time. As you say yourself, the only point to really have an autism label is that we need to separate the 'from time to time' from the 'has a significant impact on my life and needs exploring'.

Its messy and complicated and, since by its nature is a social difference, will probably be defined in a different way in the future and was defined in a different way in the past. But yes, ultimately, if it isnt impacting your life enough that you feel the need to explore the label, then maybe you aren't autistic.

HOWEVER

People are as complicated as labels for social differences lol I'm not you and dont know you. People who've had to grow up suppressing themselves in order to fit in, often learn to put up with a base level of discomfort that becomes the norm for them, and they think they're doing just fine and then realise at some point that they're really not fine. Or they think theyve had anxiety their whole lives when in fact they were surpressing sensory issues. Or they've never learned emotional vocabulary and had no compass to guide them in looking at their own feelings, therefore ignoring negative feelings. The human mind is very good at ignoring things and maladapting.

Basically, just because someone says something doesnt impact them, doesnt mean that's neccasarily true. So I dont want to answer your ask with a simple 'if you arent suffering then you're not autistic' cos thats not how human perception and self knowing works.

I'm afraid my very unhelpful official answer is: 'A little autistic' doesnt exist (it really doesnt, autism is too complicated for such a nice simple label as that!) but if you feel that label previously worked for you, then you may want to do some self reflection and think about why you felt you wanted or needed that label. Maybe you should reflect on the reasons behind the autism traits you feel you relate to.

ie. is your occasional lack of eye contact

- due to you fixating on the moments when you dont make eye contact

-due to you feeling naturally inclined to not make eye contact but forcing yourself to do it out of politeness

-due to anxiety/shyness

These answers could all mean you have autism or not autism for different reasons, but when you start to think about the why behind any of these reasons and talk to people about these reasons, it can help you to understand yourself better, which could lead to you deciding you're autistic, or maybe looking into other things such as ADHD, or realising you have some emotional trauma to deal with, or just making pecae with who you are.

But right now, the fact youve sent me a very long message listing various traits suggests you're not entirely at peace with who you are and are looking for answers! I would take that to mean that you *do* struggle in some way, or are at least feeling your experience is not a normal experience. This seems like a good time to start exploring how different you are or are not to others and what that means to you. I know thats a very therapist kinda answer, but I hope its some kind of helpful for you!

[silver-wield]

always been meaning to ask this but how did aerith and cloud got to be called star crossed lovers? It's from the developers right? But I can't help but question if those developers really knew what that even meant. If there's anyone who fits that, that would be zack and aerith and / or tifa and cloud. Do they mean the Shakespearean meaning of it? Because maybe that fits, since it's all an illusion, a lie if you will. Im not sure if it's a popular term back in 1997 but i wonder if they have a version of that in japanese? Im not sure if they have one. But regardless I think it's a stretch and it just doesn't make any sense.

To fit the bill of that term in modern understanding, the other has to try and try but keeps on failing. This applies more to the 2 latter pairs I've mentioned but none with them, in fact they seem rather apathetic with the idea if it weren't only because of their trauma inclinations. Like with aerith searching for zack in big failure and cloud being reminded of his trauma being experimented upon and wanting to impress tifa or make this fake persona real because he's running from real himself, a way of rejecting himself and coping with his own trauma. It's honestly really depressing, even aerith's version of "moving on" from zack in the gsd, doesn't feel genuine, it feels forced and desperate.

I would know, I talk like that during my biggest depression period, it wasn't easy and you feel like you had to latch on to anything to keep you sane. If a cult love bomb me, tbh I'd be pretty vulnerable with any form of "positive" even if its questionable.

There's so much opportunity to explore trauma bonding (well it's not the correct term but I hope you get what Im saying) and the human mental condition but rather waste it. I hope they would change their mind later on and develop actual good taste for storytelling.

Dismantled and the Sony ad which has that cringe tagline as it spoils Aerith's death. Some people just couldn't get past it so started comparing them to Romeo and Juliet, who are described as star-crossed 😬

Meanwhile Cloud's banging Tifa the night before the final battle 🤣

Cloud has never been described as anything besides an ally to Aerith, and she's only ever described as a former ally because she's dead, and a source of guilt.

Meanwhile Tifa...

So yeah, canon shows what's up.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hello. im not sure what im looking for, i would say advice but for what exactly, i don't know. i guess just a place to vent.

trigger warning for suicidality, existentialism (? dread), derealization

im not sure where to start. ive felt alone for a long time, have been for what feels even longer. even when i had people around me and with me, ive always felt alone. ever since i can remember ive felt like i wasnt meant to be here. more recently ive been wishing i was somewhere else, not dead but somewhere easier. i wish i was never born and that my soul stayed in the stars.

i feel like alone doesn't begin to describe what im feeling. doesn't even come close. i feel like im finally letting go of my longing even just a little. im beginning to find comfort in being all alone in the world. im accepting that ive never been important, because nothing is. no one is. nothing even makes sense and it never has to me. ive never understood god or why im here. why i can think and feel. i don't even really believe anything is real, because how could it be when in millions of years from now, we wont exist anymore? when all everythings ever been is lost to space? when we dont even come close to mattering in the universe? so i don't think its real. there are no answers to the universe to be found. i just hope that when i die i can be up there in the nothingness.

Hi anon,

It makes sense after these experiences to want to embrace the loneliness, but while it's important to be independent and self-reliant, its also important to consider the unity, solidarity, and belonging that can come with having someone beside you. Humans are social creatures, and in a lot of ways it's necessary to survival.

It can be easy to slip into nihilistic thought patterns when you feel so isolated and alone. There are also a lot of bigger existential questions that are either impossible for us to answer or comprehend as human beings, and it can be hard to make peace with that.

As someone who experiences existential dread, please know that you're not alone in having these thoughts about the bigger picture. If it might help to mention, I try to reframe "everything is fleeting" as "meaning is made in moments that only happen once." Instead of worrying about things like the end of the universe, you can use that to develop a renewed perspective on how precious the present is.

Anthony Hopkins once said, "None of us are getting out of here alive, so please stop treating yourself like an afterthought. Eat the delicious food, walk in the sunshine, jump in the ocean, say the truth that you're carrying in your heart like hidden treasure, be silly, be kind, be weird, there's no time for anything else."

It's worth keeping an eye on any suicidal thoughts, and reach out to crisis resources if you need it. If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist could help you navigate these existential and suicidal thoughts, and process the feelings surrounding them. Please know that, while we are not a substitute, we are here for you in the meantime.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[sunflowerseraph]

hi i haven't watched moon knight but i've watched video essays on it so i know a bit, who's ur favorite character and what are ur headcanons for them?

Ok apologies in advance bc im super dizzy writing this :D but Ohhh my god absolutely its Jake Lockley. Comics and show. Ok well in the show he doesnt have much screentime BUT it doesn't mean theres not subtle jake moments and like teases to him existing. I have assloads of jake hcs (he likes cats, hes fond of sharks, and astronomy, and he wears gloves all the time to help with his sensory issues) but i think he has soooo many roles in the MK sys! Hes a gatekeeper, a memory/trauma holder, a physical protector (occasionally dabbles in emotional protecting, like a romantic/sexual protector!) I think he frequently goes nonverbal (autism creature♡)!! I think hes a Guardian too, but in the case of rangling Khonshu (or any other "persecutor type") ! I have so many hcs abt what roles he fills and the extent of them 🧍 i love intersys relations♡♡ he has little rituals that he takes on when he gets time to front. He enjoys a nice cup of coffee at Genas diner, and he will occasionally smoke a cigarette or two despite stevens protests.(Genas been trying to get him to quit, started giving him lollipops and hard candies cause the smoking is probably from some oral fixation.)

Hes really social! But hes still got the anxiety that comes with being social. He has to be for his taxi driving anyways! I feel like hes got a social mask to interact with people he drives around n stuff, when he needs info, etc. But he doesnt like to meet new people? Like, he has friends already, and the idea of making connections is nerve wracking (thats Stevens job, hes good at external connections! Esp comic steven, since he literally makes all their friends for the most part. Like he and jake make the friends and marc is stubborn♡)

[Tw for trauma ment, abuse, etc! Skip to the next colored line for not that :D]

Jake insys looks different than the body out of sys sometimes too! He holds a physical manifestation of previous injuries/trauma. He and Marc share certain scars or marks from their merc/military days, and in the case of the show, from physical trauma growing up with their mom. Steven tends not to have those marks/scars! Marc definitely has some, but not to the extent as Jake. Since jake is a gatekeeper/memory holder, he would have more scars or marks representing certain memories or traumas that they experienced, even if Marc doesnt, bc Marc doesnt get all the memories. Steven gets like None at all, so he wouldnt really have those markings. Jake might carry some chronic pain stuff (symptom holder) too? Speaking from experience, abuse like that can lead to nerve damage/chronic pain, so it would make sense he would experience it.

[ Ok, end of tw section]

I think Jakes music taste varies too! He usually just listens to the radio in his cab, so he doesnt have a Set Big Preference. He does love Luis Miguel tho. Steven likes reading ,but im sure he enjoys music! Probably nothing too Hardcore, softer music, or maybe even oldies. I think Marc would like music like Pink Floyd, Zeppelin, def leppard, acdc, hozier, Imagine dragons, Muse idk i have lists and playlists but thats not the point here. Jake likes Doja Cat.

He also loves cats just in general, black cats especially. Marc prefers dogs, and Steven (obviously) likes his fish!

Hes the shortest insys! God theres this funny art thing of the mk boys going Jake why are u so small, and jake replies with some shit about being like Wolverine. I think by @bicatperson ?? AS I WAS WRITING THIS I FOUND IT. Here.

EDIT: link didnt work here it is again hopefully?

Im trying to think of more things uhm. He ALWAYS tips Gena extra at the diner (They are sweet, theyre like two highschool sweethearts to me. She cares about his well being and he loves her boys like his own. ) speaking of, jake is So good with kids. Btw. I feel like hed definitely be a little caretaker !! He also loves Diatrice and calls her Dia or dee,or didi :) i also hate all the shit abt her not being "his kid" which just isnt fucking true. Sorry im not a fan of marlene for that shit.

Anyways. Jake is crucial to the mk sys in any universe in anyway possible in my brain ok. Hes kind and strong and doesnt shy from a fight. Hes wreckless at times but hes good at figuring things out. Hes got those streetsmarts. Hes also in love with his lawyer Matt Murdock.

[wornkindnessa]

"commander cody has already submitted your transfer, im sorry it is for your safety and security that we go our separate ways."

A rumor at best, she was sure of it, not that she even knew exactly what had been said or laid out. But considering his position it made sense. He was supposed to set an example, fit into some sort of image. It would not look good for a man who sat on their council to be discovered to have broken the golden rule so to speak. Though that was a tangled web of what she believed, and very little to do with the matter at hand, her own opinions in this case mattered very little. But she did not think the truth of what they were had actually been discovered.

Amelia would also not jeopardize his position, would not make him choose her over the only life and livelihood he has ever known, regardless of what she thought. She isn’t worth that, though she knows he’d say otherwise. She would hold true to that, as she had from the start, but truthfully and maybe naively she had assumed it would be a choice they would come to together, not one made for them. Perhaps this would all hurt less if it had been. “It's a pity that I seemingly don't get a say in the matter.”

There’s a rather bitter edge to her words as she looks away from him, she wants nothing more than to fight against the decision about her that she didn’t make. And she knew he didn’t want it either, it’s written all over him, from the empty shortness of his words to how he stood before her. She wished she could say it wasn’t fair, but it was hard to say that when what was had was supposed to be forbidden. Still it didn’t feel fair.

But maybe this was the better option, painful as it was. He would set himself aflame for her, not that he ever said it, but he didn’t have to. He was a Jedi, and he was still a man who cared deeply. Not that she could say those two weren’t supposed to go hand in hand, but now she was a weakness, a weakness for him, a chink in his armor. One that would be ripped out root and steam if discovered, both by those who would to use and prevent.

In her experience, not that she could speak for the Jedi, people had incredibly short memories. So perhaps, if they kept their heads down, played by the rule book, didn’t make a fuss, this would see itself resolved and they could return to how they had been. That was of course that would be something he would want when this was all said and done, which was a voice she would not allow to grow any louder. This was being done to protect her, protect them, and one storm would not see them broken.

A lifetime of practice of keeping her emotions in check kept her standing tall, kept the tears from falling, but that didn’t mean her eyes weren’t glistening with them when she at long last looked back up at him, giving a small nod. It was all she could muster to say she’ll do as asked, go along without trouble. She had closed some of the distance between them, forcing herself to stop the moment she realized. Every part of her aches to reach out to him, aches of him to give her something to press on the wound now blossoming across her chest. He had her heart, and had held it for some time now, and she would not not be seeing that it was returned to her when she left. Aches for his comfort that she fears will only grow worse. Jedi code be damned none of this was fair.

“For now.” The words are whispered in fear someone might hear them, yet she can hear the sadness that has crept into them. “Our separate ways for now.” Her gaze wordlessly pleading for him to give her something tangible, more than just maybes and light hope to hang onto, anything to soothe. That they would be alright at the end of it all, and she wasn't some foolish girl for thinking so.