#im struggling with ideas. not really finding the joy in it myself.

[bluebellhairpin]

It's either I'm depressed or I need to make an announcement about not writing anymore.

[anime-grimmy-art]

It’s this time of the year again, folks. Time to wrap up the art Ive made in the last 12 months in another Year in Review! I’ve noticed that this is my fifth Year in Review in a row, so I’ll be making an extra post looking back on the progress in those last 5 years!

I've got a lot to say about this year, but purely art wise, I've gone all when it comes to comics, damn! I've kinda found a format that is messy, and therefore more time efficient, yet still looks good. I even made 2 animatics and lotsa shorts/reels! All that on top of opening coms twice, and, oh yeah, MAKING A WHOLE ASS 4MIN ANIMATION ON MY OWN.

How is my hand still alive.

2023 has been….interesting, to say the least. The first half year I was working on my thesis project, aka making an animated short all on my own (in the art department), which makes it honestly surprising how much I managed to churn out between animating. Trigun rly did have me in a choke hold.

Summer was a bit more spotty, esp. with me not being able to draw anything during August as I was writing my thesis (and doing commissions). And towards the end of the year, Kingdom Hearts tried to save me, but alas, Genshin Impact has finally sunk its teeth into me and dragged me to the bottom of the rabbit hole. It all started with me watching a story summary and lore videos while I was sick after my thesis and I was too intrigued to not dig deeper and well, first I fell in love with Kaeya and then the ships started dropping in left and right.

I’m not gonna lie, the last few months have been weird. I finished my masters in October, and have been on job hunt since, sadly without success so far. I’m existing in this weird limbo of still not grasping I’m not a student anymore after 18 years in education, not really being able to accept I’m an adult, yet desperately trying to find something so I can make a routine, cos rn Im too scared to build a rhythm as I know I’ll have a so much harder time readjusting again. It’s left me in a weird emotional state, where most of the time I feel fine, but when it counts, there’s just, nothing. No joy at getting my diploma, no anticipation to finally go to a convention again, neither any sadness hearing my grandfather died. It frustrates me that it extends to my art as well, there’s excitement over ideas and concepts, but no motivation to pick up the pencil, which makes me either not finish art at all or making so many shortcuts and just ending up with sth not satisfactory to me since it’s not the idea I sought after.

Tho, not everything is doom and gloom. I DID finish a whole ass short animation and got my masters degree, that IS sth to be proud of. Also, while Im struggling at drawing, I’ve also kinda started integrating my shortcuts into my style and some stuff I’ve thrown together actually turns out real good nowadays. Also, and this might be a bit of a weird one, I’m so fucking happy to know I can still enjoy gay ships. I’ve been a bit uncertain over the last few years because when I was around 16-18, I had a real big yaoi phase, which mostly came from the fact so much stuff came out that tickled my brain in the right way (Free, Haikyuu, etc.). But over the years, my enthusiasm died down, and I even started to resent some ships because it’s all some fandoms produced. I often found myself liking a hetero ship more than the popular gay ship, which really made me not wanna stick around because I did not care for most fanart and you can only go through a tag with art you don’t care about so long before you lose interest. I think in retrospect that it rly had nothing to do with the ships being gay ships but rather cos the fans just shoved it in your face when you didn’t care (and shipping culture nowadays also can get real scary). But I’m so happy to see I can still get obsessed with a ship and it’s all thanks to Haikaveh/Kavetham. It really just needed the right flavour for me to dig in again. And oh my god, I FINALLY like a ship with a SHIT TON of art and fanfictions, no more scrounging the crumbs from the bottom of the barrel. 

Anyways, enough lamenting. Here’s to hoping I can bite my tongue and get shit started properly in 2024, and that my brainrots may make me obsessed enough to churn out an obscene amount of fanart again.

[screentones-webcomicresources]

do you have any advice for aspiring author-artists who already work full time (40 hrs per week) day jobs?

i straight up don’t have time for anything outside of work, taking care of my pets, general housekeeping, feeding myself, and sleep. i’d have to sacrifice time for one of those categories to do anything outside of them. and i frequently do sacrifice that time. usually sleep and housekeeping.

(i am looking for part-time work that would let me bring in the same amount of income per month, but i would have to sacrifice my current health care while im in the middle of trying to address my own medical needs)

Our work-life balance episode has some good thoughts we definitely recommend you check out, because we struggle with this too! It can be tough depending on your energy levels, and sometimes the answer really is to wait for a season of your life where things are less busy before you jump into a large comic project.

But it's still possible to make progress at your own pace. Here are some things that help us:

Keep something you can draw or take notes with on you when you have a bit of downtime in your day. You can use a notes app on your phone to document an idea or edit an outline when you have something come to you, or keep a sketchbook at your desk depending on your set up. Depending on your transit options, sometimes you can also draw on a bus or train.

Team up! If you have art friends in your neighborhood, consider starting or joining a club or meet up to draw after work (this also has the much-needed benefit of social time). You may also be able to hire art assistants to help with flatting or another part of your page-making process.

Reclaim some of your time if you can. Get someone else who wants to watch the animals once a month and go on a weekend art retreat to focus (large or just hanging out in a library or someplace where you can concentrate - going to be different for different people). You may find some other ways to simplify your daily routines or multitask to get some time back in your day for comic-making.

Set realistic expectations and don’t compare your results with someone who works on a comic full time. This may mean scaling back the scope of your story, simplifying the art style, or working at a slower schedule. However you make your comic, it still matters, and it should be an activity that brings you joy, not stress!

We wish you the best of luck!

[kr0t1]

HOOORAAAAAYYYYYY HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉RED WHITE AND BLUE FIREWORKS EVERYWHEREEEE KABOOOMMMMMMM7M!!!!!!!!!!!!

beware cliche and me being emotional under the cut↓↓↓

this is our first new year on this blog oh so nervous!!! so this year was. really hard for me. i was struggling a lot and im so happy i decided to open my very own blog because the amount of happiness and joy i got from just posting and receiving many gifts and kind words is indescribable!! im not gonna lie i didnt think any of my art would get noticed and i was kindof content with the idea because i opened this blog mainly for myself and my friends BUT i was so baffled when i got recognised?2!?? THANK YOU!!!!! 8<J im glad you love my selfship stuff mainly krotux and im thankful for the gifts art and support you gave me seriously even a single comment saying 'cool' makes me so happy im squealing and jumping around thinking about that someone finds it cool!!!!! i found many good friends here (i know yall read this so. hi ily!!!) and had a ton of fun posting interacting playing drawing and drawing and being silly AND WOWIES THERES 264 OF US i love every single of you and i wish you HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! i hope this year will be full of joy and luck for you, whoever reads this❤️🤍💙 drinks pepsi in a fancy glass as a toast.... ah. delightful.

[freckliedan]

https://www.tumblr.com/freckliedan/769058798077902848/im-sorry-but-if-youve-only-been-a-phannie-since?source=share

i agree with you a lot (saying this as a REALLY new phannie, ive only been here a few months). hugs.

i feel like just simply wondering if someone could be trans shouldnt necessarily be seen as 'creepy speculation', and i notice that in general (with other youtubers/celebs etc not just phan) that when fans question if they're outside of what is considered to be the 'norm' in any way (such as queer, trans, neurodivergent etc) people call them creepy, parasocial, etc. but the same is not done if fans automatically assume them to be cis, straight or neurotypical. i feel like ppl upset with dangender may possibly be seeing it incorrectly, thinking that people are saying 'because dan said/did this, that means he MUST be this' but i haven't seen a singular person who posts dangender act like that, and i follow a LOT of ppl. the vast majority of what i see isn't even speculation, it's just positivity and ppl being happy about things he said/did, and being happy that he's happy.

being trans myself, i actually feel really happy that ppl find comfort/happiness in the idea of dan being of the cisn't variety and see it as a positive and beautiful thing. in media and real life it feels like transphobia is really loud, but little things like seeing people celebrate it here is what keeps me going. i'm not personally someone who believes in the idea per se (to me dan is just dan whatever he is haha), but i like seeing people be positive about it.

of course, not everyone will fuck with stuff like dangender and they dont have to, but like you said blocking/blacklisting words is always the best way to go about that. because otherwise it can come across as demonising something that someone only does to find comfort in. my time on the internet has made me learn that it's not always a personal attack against you if they're doing something you either dont like or find uncomfy. in fact a lot of the time it's not. i say this very gently to ppl against it, a random internet user who posts dangender is not doing it to hurt you or dan.

(linked post, with a lot of great additions in the tags)

anon! i'm really late to replying to this but thank you for chipping in! i sat on a handful of asks because i didn't want to accidentally create a strong discourse or answer asks while emotionally disregulated. and then bc i forgor.

but i'm still answering bc i especially love hearing from people with different phandom experiences & opinions from me 💛 AND because i know that so many people find joy and comfort in these kinda celebrations of whatever it is dan's doing.

i think you're really hitting the nail on the head w the creepy speculation thing—i've seen this reaction be especially strongest when it comes to speculation abt transness (esp transfemininity) and autism. it's a double standard! and it's coming from unexamined prejudice.

i think learning things aren't a personal attack is probably the most important possible piece here. over the years i've seen so many people behave poorly on phannie tumblr bc their feelings of validity in their personal identity were tied to their opinion of dan or phil's identity.

this was happening about sexuality labels before dnp came out, too—people used to get nasty about defending their bisexuality or gayness. and that pretty much always came from a lack of space between self identity and percieved identity of dnp.

i have a lot of compassion and understanding for people in that boat wrt dangender, you know? especially people younger than me. i used to run several queer support groups for young people, and every time someone was being hurtful with their views on gender it came from personal struggle.

i can't like, ignore it or let it slide, though. i love my kids from those groups to this day, but they didn't just hurt each other with some of their views. they really hurt me too. it makes it easy to spot when people are coming from the same perspective on here wrt dangender, even if it might be less overt and intentional shittiness.

i don't want to play dolls online with people who are in that kind of mindset! and that's why we love the block and mute functions of online.

& i also love finding & sharing joy on here about gender bc yeah! it fucking sucks most places. but we're home here 💛

[staretes]

Hello I had an idea I wanted to share this isn't exactly a request but maybe it could give you some inspiration. I was imagining something like a crossover between the Avatar Legend of Korra series and Honkai Star Rail. Where the Avatar is the emanator of harmony and the current avatar was a teenager and currently training on the Loufu under Jing Yuan's supervision because their guardians believed this would help since they had been struggling with their elemental powers lately.

ooh i didnt watch the legend of korra fully but i sort of know what happens!

for this to work im adding the path of elation to the roster and assigning elements to the paths heheh

• long ago, the aeons bestowed the gifts of elements to their followers • to those that follow the path of abundance, yaoshi gave them the ability to wield the imaginary, turning dreams into reality, so that they never suffer again • the followers of elation were bestowed the power of wind by aha, spreading laughter and joy throughout the galaxy, unbothered by the troubles of life, allowing their spirit to fly untethered to the world • nanook gave his followers the power of fire. fiery and destructive, burning the mistake that is the universe into ruined ashes. • to the nihility, IX left behind the ability to use ice. existence is meaningless, and what is the point of existing when you're frozen in ice, and nothing can do anything? • the people of the erudition search and search for more secrets in this world, and they know the world at a quantum level. nous gives the power to use quantum, and search for what lies beneath • to those of the preversation, qliphoth gave them the power of immense physical strength, to protect everyone they love. • those of the hunt strike like thunder. they used to be the followers of abundance, before yaoshi allowed the life to fester and turned the universe into an imbalance, and a follower named lan ascended to aeonhood and bestowed lightning to their people, to find yaoshi and make him pay.

you are the emanator of harmony. xipe gave its emanator the power to learn all the elements. once a emanator meets their fate, another one is reborn to take their place. your job is to keep balance and harmony to all 7 paths.

but in order to do that, you have to learn the elements first

7 is a lot, but you've managed to learn all except for the element of lightning.

your guardians left you to train under jing yuan, to learn the last element

hes a super good teacher! patient and understands exactly what you need

"this is hard, general!" you once complained to him

"lightning tends to be unpredictable," he explained. "you are scared of relying on something random, so you hold yourself back."

"lighting comes from an imbalance of energy. this imbalance causes energy to suddenly surge towards the side with less energy." he gently takes a hold of your hand, and corrects your stance. "draw the energy within you, and let it build up. don't worry about it overflowing, that's exactly what you want for now."

you breathe in and out, and focus.

once more, you concentrate your energy to the tips of your fingers. when they start to tingle, you don't stop like before.

larger and larger it builds, and suddenly a flash of electricity bursts out of your two fingers

"good job." jing yuan smiles. "now we just have to work on controlling it."

andd im going to stop myself there because its late and i need to sleep. is this what you had in mind anon? because its really very fun to write hehe thank you for sending it!

[idealspawn]

hey..... i must say. this has been the best week of my life. and im filled with utter joy. ive had like a.. rebirth? every once in a while i feel like im born again. the transition is really emotional but they are moreso growing pains than destructive pains. im suddenly surrounded by so many great people and possibilities and i finally feel like life is rewarding me, treating me the way i should be treated. in a way im reluctant to owe it to "faith" and see myself as a passive subject rather than an active agent in this but in a way i think i am powerless in some factors regarding this change. next month its my debut in like a culture (?) newspaper! at least they said they are very interested in my analysis but i havent heard back yet about the second version i sent them. i wrote my favourite poem ive ever written. and ive seen so many movies recently that have served as this transitional border. like as this extremely active sphere of both "death" but also birth. like metaphorically. ive been so vulnerable and i love it. ive cried my eyes out like i havent in such a long time and done like... meta analyses about my underlying beliefs to bring change and new energy into my life. you see.. i get really stuck on like.. nominal labels. at first they describe me but it tends to go unnoticed when it no longer fits or serves me and im only living a certain way just because of this nominal structure. but all these nominal structures are made for us. not that we are made to fit them. ive re-evaluated things now.. also out of nowhere people have been reaching out to me. maybe it truly does show up in my energy when im more open. like that it attracts other open, honest, vulnerable people. ive met so many new people and truly felt seen. this is a big thing for me. for the longest time ive struggled to enjoy time with people because ive struggled to find people who i share some kinds of values. i like diverse people but for example people who are open to explore communication on an emotional and relational level rather than only informational. thats important to me. ive been more confident in sharing my opinions too:) and participating in class and in life. going to places where i know id feel a bit uncomfortable and end up surprised. going to places alone is massive for me. it opens me up to new people and experiences because i simply dont have a choice to close myself off with friends im already close with. a woman came to talk to me after a lecture. she said she had been watching how i take notes in class (i write really fast.. i tend to transcribe literally everything the professor says). she said she has studied palaeography and asked to see my notes to analyse my handwriting :) she said its very unusual for people to still write in cursive if they write with the pen very much pointed upwards, however i manage to do so :D. it really made me want to also just reach out to people... like whenever and for whatever reason. and ive noticed people actually like talking to you when youre authentic and awkward. ive restricted my communication with people SO MUCH only due to the fact that i feel like i might not be insanely flawless in my self-expression. the nature too. the season is such that i see birth and death all around me. and its very refreshing. i like seeing change and being reminded of it constantly. it feels liberating. its a season that many people dislike in my country but im in love. i love people. i love physical touch. i love eye contact. i love emotions. i love ideas. i love agency in breaking boundaries. i love feeling seen and important and useful. i love authenticity and vulnerability.

[chronicmigrainetime]

im terrified.

I ve had this for over three years, its constant. its pain, tinnitus, noise sensitivity, the insomnia, the muscle tension, the brain fog. its the occasional immobility. the rare paralysis. its spending three days not being able to practice basic hygiene or eat

I’ve just graduated from uni. Everyone I talk to tells me that Im amazing for even getting beyond my first year with my condition (I started uni within 8 months of me getting migraine). They say I should be proud of myself and I am but

This last year was so hard. My depression is at an all time high, I wake up and go to sleep anxious. My pain was so bad. I spent 4-6 weeks bedridden and alone

How am i supposed to enter the workforce?

I know I’m capable, logically speaking I graduated with a law degree in a debilitating condition. I managed to do quite well for myself despite spending essentially 5 weeks completely incapacitated so part of me knows I’ll be okay.

I also know how bad it gets, how bad it was in the beginning, how bad it was during those weeks, how bad it was just at the end of last year, how bad it probably will be despite my every precaution.

if you have any advice Id greatly appreciate it. I know i need it.

Hi iselenris, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It is scary, and I can understand why you would want to scream into the void about it. I have given it some thought and hopefully I can say something helpful, or at least provide some comfort that you’re not alone.

I can really relate to a lot of what you’ve said here. I became incapacitated by chronic migraines at the start of my second year of uni, had to take a year out and then came back part time. I did eventually get my degree (in physics) but it was a real struggle and incredibly detrimental to me physically and mentally.

Now you and I are both out here with prestigious degrees that we worked really hard for and that we can’t put to use. I agree that it is a tremendous accomplishment and I think you should be proud of yourself, but I also understand the hesitation to celebrate fully. We put ourselves through hell to get here, and that’s not sustainable. So what do we do now? And if we can’t do the thing we wanted to do with our degree, why did we put ourselves through all that?

It’s now two years since I graduated, and I still haven’t ‘entered the workforce’, which is maybe not the most hopeful thing to hear, but I do think in that time I have found an answer to those questions.

My answer to ‘what do I do now?’ Is to make you and your health your top priority. I get the sense that you know that this is a crisis, I think it’s a good idea to treat it as one.

I don’t know your situation so I don’t know how possible this is for you, and maybe this is a frustrating thing to hear, but my main advice on how to do this would be to stop for a while. If you keep going when your body is telling you to stop, eventually it will force you to stop, y’know? Unfortunately, stopping obviously requires outside support, but if you have that now is the time to use it. If you are in a position where you don’t have to work, don’t, and if you’re not, find something that uses the minimal amount of your energy while keeping you afloat. If you have the option of someone else making your meals, take it, if not make your meals as easy as possible. In any case my advice would be to use the time that you have stopped doing other things to:

Rest without feeling guilty, you are doing the work of healing

Unlearn the idea that your worth is tied to your ability to work, you are enough just by being you

Take note of how your body is feeling and respond to what it needs

Prioritise yourself and your body’s needs above any “shoulds” and “oughts”

When you do have the energy to do things, focus on the things that bring you joy or make you more comfortable

Learn about your condition(s) and the things that might help you

Decide what kind of medical care you want to try and get (if any), and get the ball rolling on it

How long will it take to feel well enough to come out of this recovery state? We cannot know. But I know that (thanks to a combination of all of this, and finding some medications that work for me) I am feeling better than I did a year ago, and much better than I did two years ago. I may not have ‘entered the workforce’ but most days I know I can do the work of being a person (which is not an insignificant amount of work!). On the good days I can even imagine getting a job again, and then I’m glad I did finish my degree, because I know it will still be there when the good days become frequent enough for me to use it.

If you are looking for advice on the more medical side of things I will point you to this post, this resources list, and the #ajovy tag on my blog. I can also give more specific advice on navigating medical things if you’d like, but I don’t want to do that unprompted.

I hope that some of this is helpful to you, and I hope you are able to find some improvement. Be kind to yourself

- C

[fruitsofhell]

[still talking about this but i feel like this would be lost if it was just a reblog addendum]

For real my greatest regret with my time in this fandom is not finding enough people who talk about Kirby STORIES nor doing that enough myself. Like its always kinda just between "ah my adorable and/or tragic blorbos" and "MOST FUCKED UP KIRBY LORE!" as I've complained about 100 billion times now, but I really wanna talk about the evolution of the series' storytelling under Kumazaki's direction more and how you can really feel them finding their footing on What Kirby "Lore" Means.

Ever since Robobot the games have tackled more direct themes and science fantasy tropes and it's also when it's really started coming into it's own. Return to Dreamland and Triple Deluxe and wonderful but you can see where the team holding back on detail and leaning into more cliche platformer-y things didn't let them reach full potential. Robobot and KatFL on the other hand excel at the more sci-fi themeing because they really let that more out there stuff absorb into the fabric of the gameplay and visuals, and while I've touched on KSA not being as lush as those other two, it makes up for it with sheer volume of content in the end. Evil cults are more fantasy than sci-fi so it didn't have ideas as extreme as those other two to latch onto, but it could still be more purposeful with the levels in the middle yknow. But still, the writing of the Jamba and the design of Void Termina have a lot packed into them that make it work once you unpack it.

RTDL and Tripluxe you can maybe say theres like a theme of greed in a nebulous sense, but it is genuinely fluffy platformer fair with an interesting villain thrown in at the end, Robobot, KSA, and KatFL are like actual great sci-fantasy stories wrapped up in fairytale-like bow. RTDL and Tripluxe become good when you fill in blanks*, but the last 3 just Are Good, Straight Up*.

*I know some of you people out there think pause screens are supplementary but it is literally The Game's Text, so I mean good with the pause screens.

Like Kirby "Lore" HAS gone from What If There Was A Platformer Villain But Really Fucked Up to actual really cool commentaries on imperialism/industrialization, bonds and religion, and life. I think its really fucking cool and what actually has kept me a Kirby fan. I can find a platformer that gets really complicated the more you look into it's flavor text, or one with cute character designs, or sad moments, but you don't find one so often that like cares. That really cares about the characters and the world and stuff, but about saying something confidently. Kirby storytelling may not come off as confident to people because it's not overt, but the confidence is in the details that surround and support those ideas that in any other series would just be pedantic "lore".

Like Robobot doesn't have "lore" about Susie and Haltmann, it has a backstory complimenting a power struggle in the plot's climax that ties into the idea of imperialism being a cannibalistic pursuit. Star Allies doesnt have "lore" about doomsday cults and gods, it has a story about how real bonds and connections can form even in dark places and its important to cherish those and not let circumstances corrupt them (or something, it has been a whilehgjh). And KatFL doesnt have "lore" about ooooo all the humans are dead this IS THE DAHKEST KIRBY GAME!! Its fucking aboyut how animals and joy and whimsy will reinherit the earth!

im justfuskdgs WHOS DOING THE KIRBY LITERARY ANALYSIS?? Where are they? They have to be out there im so fr ghsf

[selfhelpforstudents]

hi! how do you think I should prepare myself for college? im currently in the final year of high school. college's gonna be loads more than school, so what habits should I adopt this year?

Hi, that is an amazing question!

Going to college without knowing a thing is really bad, speaking from experience.

First of all some general tips for students coming to uni:

Don't be scared to not fit in or that you won't be able to make friends. You will!! There are so many freshmen and chances are very high you will find like-minded people.

Find a club or a hobby that really fills you with joy and excitement. Going to uni is hard because the workload is crazy sometimes. Finding a balance is crucial to stay happy and healthy!

Last but not least, my most important tip: Create a LinkedIn profile and text people who are already going to this university and are pursuing the same major you want to choose. Ask them for a phone call and talk to them. I think this would have really helped me and I have talked to some incoming students who had questions. It is also quite cool to know some people in advance and just know your way at uni beforehand.

Going into the habit-topic:

First of all, I am so proud of you that you are already thinking about this. Uni is very difficult and not keeping up with classes and lectures is a very bad idea - and to some it seems inevitable. But it is really not. Still do not forget to always care about balance because you can burn out.

Write yourself a list and plan the semester ahead. I know this seems very drastic, planning days three months in advance, but it has helped me a lot and now I am a straight A student at a very hard university.

Have a consistent sleeping schedule. That is something I struggle with a lot. I really want to go to bed earlier, but then I enjoy studying too much and stay up until 2 am. And always make sure to sleep about 8 hours, maybe even more.

Write notes, even if you think it does't really help. It does, in the end you will be super grateful that you wrote them. And write flashcard and quiz yourself often.

Study from the first day on. Again, pretty drastic, but that has helped my get a lot of A+'s and it keeps my mind from freaking out about exams.

I think this is all I can say. Have an amazing first year and text me if you need anything! <3

Love, Sophia

Feel free to follow my Instagram account for some more motivation <;3 Instagram

[neuroticboyfriend]

Hi, I hope you don't mind this ask, I just kind of- wanted a space to verbalize some of my thoughts on my complicated feelings about my own disability. And, idk, maybe this could resonate with some other people too.

Basically, I've sort of considered myself disabled for a little while, because, well. A disability is something that impacts your ability to function and carry out tasks and activities, and my abilities to do those things is certainly impacted. But I always felt guilty for thinking of myself like that, because most of my struggles felt like they only impacted the things I did for leisure, and it felt like I was being overdramatic. Even now, it still feels weird to call myself disabled, like I'm doing something wrong.

I say all of this because it's set-up to the fact that I recently realized that I have a lot less functioning than I thought I did. I am in school, and I have good grades, which is a large part of why I was dismissing everything. But I realized that I still only take four classes, and they're all decently easy work (as in, the intellectual work I have to put into them isn't particularly high), and yet I still rarely go to a full week of classes and can't do much outside of school once I get home from a school day. I do eat regularly, but that's mostly because I'm lucky enough to still live with my very nice father who's willing to cook for me, and when he's not around, I essentially don't eat food that takes any preparation beyond "open a container".

And. It was a very strange experience to come to this realization, and instead of being saddened by it, feeling happy and lifted up. Instead of being crushed by the weight of things I couldn't do, it felt refreshing to newly recognize how surprisingly short my limits are.

Now that I think on it, I believe I know why I felt that joy. On some level, I'd already known my limits, and loathed everything they kept me from doing, but I'd never really made the mental connection that those limits were due to my disability. In addition, it felt legitimizing to my struggles to realize that there was a deeper reason than I'd thought as to why I struggle despite having an easy life. (Of course, disability isn't the only legitimate reason why someone can struggle, but it's hard to apply things you logically know to your own emotions sometimes)

So. If anyone else is still reading this, I guess what I want to say is that it's okay to be glad that you're disabled, or for your first reaction to realizing that you're disabled/more severely disabled than you'd thought to be joy. It can bring you a sense of validation to finally feel like you have a reason for struggling with things most other people seem to find easy. It isn't selfish, and it isn't just "having an excuse to be lazy" or "invading the space of real disabled people".

thank you for sharing your experience; i relate to this, too. and this kinda reminds me of how i felt about being fat. for the longest time, i felt like i was too fat, and didnt deserve to take up so much space. it lead to me having a really distorted, hateful view of my body.

but once i encountered fat liberationists, many of whom were actually bigger than me, things changed. i saw them be happy and fight back. they taught me to stop blaming myself. the fategories allowed me to see myself in relation to other fat people, instead of skinny people through BMI.

im between small-mid fat, but BMI says im morbidly obese. for a while i thought i was just comforted by the idea that i wasnt as fat as I thought i was, but that felt fatphobic to me. until i realized, it was that i realized i wasn't too much, because none of us (fat people) are. all bodies are different, and that includes size, too.

the comfort ultimately came from finally being able to look at my body and see *me* - not the skinny person i was "supposed to be." i was humanized, as who i really am. in both cases - disability and fatness - its recognizing the reality of our existence that affirms us.

[sitp-recs]

im here!!! noisy anon 🙈 i wanted to ask you where are you from, first of all! also this is mostly because i’m at a point in life where i have no idea what i want to do : what’s your job and how did you come to find this path in your life? 🤔

Hello again! I’m originally from Brazil but I’ve been living abroad for the past 5 years. I work for a consulting firm which may sound fancy but in reality it’s a stressful, target-oriented call center-ish environment. I hate it but I’m good at it and because I work well under pressure I’ve been promoted twice and so I’m staying until I can find something that pays me better to work fully remote 🥲

I’ve had the luxury of getting to choose my graduation and really loved my field of study but my current job has little to do with it. This is something that took me a long time to accept, the disenchantment of making a materialistic choice to sacrifice both my mental health and intellectual gratification, but the immigration process has significantly affected my career path too. That means I can’t offer many helpful insights, except maybe for this one: a job is just a job. It serves a purpose and almost anyone can be trained to do anything. And that can be a comforting thought when we’re feeling lost and/or aimless, I guess?

Don’t get me wrong, it’s wonderful to work with something you love and get that feeling “YES, this is where I belong.” I’ve been there and it was extremely hard to let go. But most people don’t ever get the chance to experience a dream job because real life responsibilities rarely allow us the luxury of waiting for it. So whenever I get disheartened thinking that I had to take so many detours that I’m not at all where I wanted to be, I take a deep breath and decide to be gentle to myself, and understand that I did my best within the circumstances. Once I fully realized that my job is just a way to pay my bills and does not (or should not) reflect my value I felt much lighter and started seeing things in a different way. That includes pursuing activities that bring me joy - such as fandom - for the simple pleasure of it, without feeling guilty for “wasting time in a non-productive way”.

I won’t offer personal advice because I don’t know your struggles and I reckon education/job systems differ a lot from county to country, and now that I think about it I don’t think my commentary was all that helpful 🤣 but I can offer this post as a space for more people to share their insights on this topic. You’ve got this, anon!

[separatist-apologist]

i know you said you stopped reading them, but were there any dark romances that hit just right for you? i also struggle a lot with liking the idea of a darker romance, but not wanting to read about the mmc assaulting the fmc and they just fall for them anyway. seems like too many dark romance fall under that and i'm left there like... where was the romance in this??

the only one i read recently was twisted emotions by cora reilly which is a mafia romance/arranged marriage. it's dark-ish? like *trigger warning* the fmc was abused as a child, but the mmc had zero to do with that and instead helped her heal. not a great difference, but considering the mmc wasn't the abuser i guess that's a win? i will say i did enjoy this book, but it's one of those MY GOD HIRE AN EDITOR books because i believe the author is german and there's some major spelling/grammatic errors. it was pretty blatant so that sucked, but i did enjoy the characters and i thought she did a good job (as a survivor of child abuse/SA myself) writing a survivor healing and dealing with their trauma and trusting their partner to bring them joy during sex and intimacy.

Again, beneath the cut

I have such a love/hate relationship with dark romance because I'm not opposed to dubious consent (obviously). I think my issue is a lot of dark romance thinks it can only be dark if there is this element of emotional abuse that I find difficult to deal with, especially if its not resolved.

So like, the MMC kidnaps her, or he won't let her leave his home without watching her 24/7 because she belongs to him, to the point that he controls her phone, her finances, her friends and everything else. And I think a dark romance book could start that way but there should be growth, you know? You can be possessive and also trusting? Like why CANT she leave without an escort, why do you need to watch her 24/7? Why can't she work if she wants to, why does the FMC have to give up her autonomy entirely in order for the romance to work. I don't like that and I know a lot of people do which is fine, but it doesn't feel like a happy ending.

I also don't like the arrogant "im so hot i could have anyone i want and youre lucky im even looking at you" MMC that seems so popular in dark romance. What happened to being pathetic? What happened to being down bad for one woman to the point youd ruin the world for her, you know? You can be a piece of shit and still wet and pathetic, like sir you can really have it all.

I think my issue is the MMC is never required to grow or change and its the FMC who accommodates him and in the end decides she actually likes this/prefers it and so he is never required to compromise or alter his life for her to prove he loves her. Again. Bring back sopping wet men.

And finally, I wish dark romance would center on themes outside of just sexual assault. I am weary of the "hes so hot that sexual assault is forgivable" like girl c'mon. What if we just leaned into the murder, example, you know? That's enough to give ANYONE pause, if I was dating a man and found out he was killing people regardless of the justification I might have some thoughts like "what the fuck" and "hello 911?"

And if he is murdering its always this backflipping justification for why thats okay like i don't know, maybe we just. Call it what it is, ya feel? He's killing people, thats wild. No need to add morality to it, maybe he just likes to blow off steam by killing strangers.

Anyway all this to say no, I haven't read anything I really liked outside of fanfiction. Maybe I'll give your recommendation a shot and see how I feel about it.

[wiredsmi1e]

[ bear emoji ] i have always admired what you do. the writing always impeccable, don't even get me started on their inner voices. i've followed you first because of suzie but then there were march and gwen that really stood up to me. and the craziest part is that you made them sound so different. always stayed true to the character you were portraying. then there's your aesthetics. i've been in awe since day 1 and we keep counting, okay? i can see you put so much work and thought into these too and it's very much appreciated. like even your recent visuals posted here w/ sabrina. it took me an embarrassing amount of time to realize it was her and not the actress that plays suzie in this tv series i truly believed existed. also, how you went from taking a dbd character with just a few lines and a little lore on wiki to being THIS MUCH OF A SHAPED PERSON,, I HAVE NO IDEA. and lastly, i appreciate you for what you do for the rpc. i know life was tough, but you were always so nice to everyone and your commissions are living rent free in my mind because they are perfection. whenever i find a blog i can tell it was you who worked on the aesthetics lmao, they got that abi trademark all over them. and lastly, i appreciate you. you've been so kind to me and understanding and helping since day 1. you're one of the few people that actually made me feel included in the rpc after being on a break for so long and you were part of the reason i stuck doing this. so here's a little reminder that your presence has affected others positively, even if you didn't know it. i am sure that most of your mutuals and friends agree with this. i love you and im always here for you too, okay?

- ̗̀ ♡⃗    𝒊𝒏𝒃𝒐𝒙 𝒑𝒐𝒔𝒊𝒕𝒊𝒗𝒊𝒕𝒚  . . .   always accepting ! 

i've had this one in my askbox for a hot minute now , i know , but honestly it has helped me so SO much to re-read & look at again when i'm feeling down or am battling with the never ending writer's struggle of worrying that i'm not good enough , i'm not writing enough , ect . it truly , truly warms my heart & means the WHOLE WORLD to me that you & so many others love suzie & my lore for her so much―  i've struggled writing suzie in so many ways , always find myself worrying that peolpe are going to lose interest in her or disregard her because of how soft & innocent she is despite her horrific upbringing/circumstances ?? & gosh , PLS mentioning march & gwen too has me genuinely wanting to weep out of joy & gratitude , it truly means the world ?? especially considering how much i adore your writing & admire your wednesday ??? but , like i said i've been a lil selfish hoarding this sweetness to myself so long but truly & honestly i want you to know how much this means to me & how much i appreciate you & all of the kindness you have left me in this message <33333 i love you too , & i am so so touched to here that you love my commissions so much & that i have touched you so much & in such a positive way without even realizing it ?? we absolutely NEED to talk & plot more , for real <3333

[loversj0y]

im crying over techno again (this is long and sad im sorry)

i miss him so much man. i hope he knows how much he did for all of us. ive been rewatching old wilbur videos and seeing him in them brings me so much bittersweet joy. he meant so much to all of us. i hope he knows the ways he changed us.

he was my final push to start streaming. i was inconsolable the night he died. the week after i kept thinking about how long i’d pushed off the idea because i simply didn’t think i had the time. something about losing someone that you even just perceive as being close to you gives such a shift in perspective that i figured at that point it’d be stupid not to. and the thing is, he was so incredibly supportive. of every last one of us. he always supported the people in his community.

its a big thing in my life honestly to live in his memory. usually people say stuff like that in a negative connotation but i dont think its negative. i hold his memory close to me as a reminder of the things that ive lost. and its a comfort in a sense to let his deadpan mockery push me to be better and to do things i might fear doing.

he has a space on my ofrienda. i pray to him in the same way i pray to all the family i have lost because even without knowing him personally, he welcomed us all enough to allow me to feel like there was a family with him when my own felt incendiary and volatile.

i think about the fact that lovejoy is playing a festival with the killers. its a festival im incredibly excited to go to, but on nights like this when im crying over a lost brother i never had, i feel saddened in knowing how much he would have loved to have seen it. i think he will be there, watching. but the feeling wont be the same. i think of how wilbur must feel. knowing that he’s playing a festival with the same band that he’s not only loved, but that he shared his love for with techno, to the point that it made such a strong lasting impression on techno. i hope he knows how proud techno is of him. i hope that if he stays to watch the killers perform, he feels techno with him. because i know he’ll be there.

i have a lot of thoughts on how much he meant to me, to all of us, and im kind of just pouring them out in a stream not unlike the tears that wont seem to stop tonight. if i can be honest, ive been avoiding a lot of stuff related to techno. i took a step back from everything as a whole because it hurt too much and i didnt know what to make of it, not really. i keep finding myself mourning how little time i got to have as an active techno watcher, given how recently i joined the fandom and such, but i also know i should rather feel thankful for every second that i got to have. i find myself avoiding a lot of mentions of technodad still. he’s lovely and he means so much to all of us, just like his son, but i cant help but feel my chest reopen each time i hear him speak about his son. ive seen the feeling of watching a person you love mourn a family member who was taken too young personally. ive seen it in my own family with my cousin, and it all feels so heavy. i know there is this narrative of being thankful for the time we had with a person. but i still consistently find myself balanced on the precipice of anger and acceptance. i dont struggle with bargaining or depression, let alone denial. i know hes gone. i know nothing will change that. but i also will never be content in feeling appreciative of the time we had because we could have had more time. even if it was just a. second more. it wouldnt change things but maybe it would ease the ache in my heart as i think on all of the people who loved him who will live past him, myself included.

i keep coming back to the song life worth missing by car seat headrest. i cant quite explain where i find the parallels but i feel it in this delicate balance that i find in the song. theres this delicate balance between grieving and losing yourself in grief and im not that sure that ive found it. for a control freak, one of the things that always has hurt me is my lack of control in death. i cant change it. and all i can control is the way to cope but i simply dont know how to do that. and the temperamental part in my head is the battle i find myself fighting because i know how he wouldnt want this. he wouldnt want the heavy grief but i dont know how to not feel it. i find myself feeling the heavy grief or essentially nothing at all.

and theres quiet, kind moments throughout it all. when i think maybe i can hold his memory and move with it. but those moments dont last long. but they mean more than any other part of this whole process. when i hear him in my head, making fun of me for not putting myself out there. when i feel him supporting me as i feel unstable and shaky. regardless of your thoughts on religion or my own, i know that he is there. whether it is real or it is in my head, both are substantial enough to give me faith. and isnt that religion in and of itself?

i know that all the things we wanted him to know, about how he changed us, how much he meant to us, all of it. i know that he knows them. but i still am allowed to mourn that we never got to feel him know them. am i allowed?

i think im allowed. i think he’d allow it. i think he’d understand.

because when i feel whatever sense might lie in my convoluted ideas of religion and my strong sense of morality, i know one thing above all.

that he understands.

[ifuckingloveryoshu]

“Sometimes I RP her working at 7/11” ok you can’t just say that I need to know more.

Im not doing it right now because I have to focus on my studies and I want to do other things. It's nothing too special, there's this roblox roleplay game called Zaibatsu and I just rped her in either the coffee shop or the 7/11, working there. My crack idea was after dieing to Erlking Heathcliff, she gets isekaied and needs to find a job because she's effectively homeless so she has forged documents so she can apply to places to get her foot in the door.

If you also see Chief Butler Ryoshu working at The Dinner or somewhere in Skies Over Milwaukee, or Helix Ascent, that's probably me. I've tried to rp Cheif Butler Outis too but it doesn't have the same omph or vibe. Sometimes when I rp Outis, I fear I'm putting Ryoshu's traits into her. Also, i just have less fun playing Cheif Butler Outis. I'm better doing Base Identity Outis.

The rest of this is yapping about roleplay. Thanks for the ask!

In roblox, you get weird people trying to get with her due to the fact she's a maid. I don't like those people, esspically the ones who take threats of violence against them as 'hot'. I try my best to be as blunt to them as possible. I'm a freak but I keep that to my tumblr, keep that in mind. Another downside of rping her or any Project Moon character on roblox is having to sanatize them because of the filter. I can't say I'm getting any real practice with her honestly. I do love trying to play her though. I'm not great doing her, esspically her SANGRIAS on the fly but its neat. I also have a crack spiderman ryoshu au I've wanted to rp and test out but I can't find anyone (or im shy. or lazy. maybe all three.)

Rps on roblox aren't good but I revel in how insane some people can be. I also feel visually stimulated seeing the builds and everyone walking around with their avatars and props, it gives me a sense of joy seeing the creations. Plus, anyone can easily jump in and jump out, and its expected most rps are short term unless you got friends to organize an rp with. I dunno, my nature likes it.

I can't rp on roblox too much because rp in general is like crack for me once I start going. I love rping still, im just terrified of ghosting people because that's my bad habit. I already have multiple rps I have not responded to in months on discord and two I have yet to organize with people I said "I want to roleplay with you." I don't mean it to be rude and I do my best to tell my partners straight up the risk that I will ghost you. But I still love doing it, I love writing though it takes a lot of effort. For good reason, because all creative persuits should hold a meaning to the artist and its a form of expression. Experssion also takes effort that I don't have 100% of all the time. Dang ADHD and Autism also effecting my head.

I would love to yap more about it I suppose but I've gone so long conditioning myself not to talk about rp. Plus, I get scared re-reading my rps. Also, I find myself getting too emotional with things that happen in rp and as good as that emotional vunrability is, I'm terrified of it. It's very easy to get lost in, its one of the reasons I haven't been responding to my rps. But it's supposed to be safe place to express everything, I just don't know.

Obligatory, I make no promises (I mostly make no promises at all because I struggle to keep them) of keeping my rps with anyone, they may not even start or even if they start, i might ghost you or dissapoint, but I'd love talking about and attempting at least. I got ocs, i've rped Outis, Meursault, and Ryoshu. I really love crossovers. I have a bad case of "I see something new and shiny and I feel impulsive so I persue that and then posibly lose intrest in what I was doing before but the old thing will constantly haunt me so then I get anxiety and never come back." and I think that's how I explain that.