#im still sitting my exams just in case but i think i gotta take the L

[leafsleclerc]

if the leafs get swept its bc they did it in solidarity of me failing out of my masters

[halcyon-writings]

i checked this list and it said persona so im hoping this is still ok. Date night with the protagonists? (Makoto, Yu and Ren) please and thank you >///

ー『anonymous: Can i get dating headcanons for the persona protags (Makoto, Yu and Ren) please and super thank yous. I love these boys so much. ;A;』

note(s): I am going to combine these requests as they are similar enough I hope that is alright! no real warnings for this one either, I just think these dudes are neat. Also I know they all have like 5 different names, so I just went with the ones I am more familiar with. Maybe(????) spoilers for 3, 4, and 5, so if you haven’t finished or played them, be warned (although, idk if anyone would read it if they haven’t played the respective game but idk warning for spoilers just in case) also idk how i feel about these hcs rn, but i did my best dhdjdj

all my other links can be found in my navigation post!! If you like my writing and you’d like to support me, my tip jar is also linked there!

hcs under the cut so i’m not clogging anyone’s dash (originally these were gonna be a short set of hcs but i guess not dbdndn)

What our dear protagonist lacks in overall extrovertedness, he makes up for in action. Surprise surprise, dates can either range from hanging out in the dorms and cooking a nice meal together. Or maybe going to the mall and heading to the arcade. Or basically wandering around until your legs hurt and your purchases range from new outfits to weird antiques from the antique shop.

However he really does treasure these little trinkets, because the memory of your laughter when you were given a certain item will forever be ingrained in his mind. It’s a comfort in the end too.

Date nights are focused on you and you only. He definitely sets a date where he knows you both are free so that there’s less likely of a chance for being interrupted. He definitely wouldn’t want his time with you to be wasted. Although seeing his small pout when it does happen is very cute.

You also gotta be keen on if he sees something he likes and wants. While Minato won’t exactly say it, his gaze lingers a bit longer than usual. But he ultimately won’t get it, because he wants to focus on you and also save up for when the group goes to Tartarus. So if you surprise him with whatever he had wanted, he’s so happy.

While he is slightly more reserved in comparison to Yu and Akira, Minato speaks through action. Whenever you two are walking together, he always has your hand in his, or keeping close by in some way. He likes to cling to you when it’s just you two, his head buried in the crook of your neck as you two nap tother, legs tangled up together. Or the small jokes he says loud enough for only you to hear, but they’re still so funny. Sometimes you’re asked if he’s really a good boyfriend, and you have to laugh off the doubt, because they don’t see the sides of him that you do.

My god. Yu would absolutely be the best at arranging dates and hangouts. I take no criticism. Like you guys could literally just be walking all around Inaba, or just sitting by the river bed and it could be one of the greatest times you’ve both had together. A romantic at heart, Yu would also be a bit cheesy in arranging dates.

He shows affection through communcating it. Whether it’s a new outfit or something, he’ll say that you look incredible or if you’ve studied for a hard exam, he’ll make sure you know how amazing you are for passing. Idk just anything that has you smiling from sweet compliments and other words of affirmation. A big sap, honestly you try and joke about it but he just earnestly says “Who wouldn’t be for you?” And you have to sit down and hide your face in your hands for a solid 5 minutes.

You also gotta be cool with Nanako. But then again she’s a cute kid and a sweetheart so idk why you wouldn’t be. Although he does get a little flustered if it’s you two watching her while Dojima-san is working late at the station and the old ladies coo over how you three look like a mini family yourselves. Which is kind of a common occurrence. And I feel like Yu would know pretty well if he sees a future with someone he’s with, and with you he does shhh

Date nights in Inaba are really fun and a good way to wind down, sometimes it’s wandering Junes and finding whatever the newly advertised, as seen on tv appliance is. Or other parts of the shopping district, where he can really let go and just have fun for himself. When not worrying about school work or the cases the Investigation Team is working on.

some spoilers here; but after Izanami is defeated and the year ends. When Yu has to leave Inaba it doesn’t mean that he won’t put his best efforts to keep up the relationship. If possible, video calls or just the occasional text too. And when he visits, while he does miss his friends, he’s especially antsy to see you too. And when you’re both together again, he refuses to leave your side.

Now, Akira can be described as this suave, casanova type character. But he’s also a giant dork and you know it, he knows it, the Phantom Thieves all know it, hell even Sojiro knows it. It doesn’t mean his attempts at flirting doesn’t get you blushing. And when he sees the flustered expression, it only motivates him to keep going. But turn the tables on him, and he’s putty in your hands. (And he looks very cute).

Because of the way you met, aka, at Shujin, where his reputation was basically over and done with before it even began, he has a lot of doubt and trust issues, what if someone dared you to speak to the “criminal” or something? While he won’t show these doubts out loud to his friends, it’s still something he thinks back on a lot. But when you defend him vehemently one day, he knows he was right to trust you.

A part of dating Akira, is eventually finding out who he is. Maybe trips to Mementos cause him to be late to dates or not even show up at all. You end up stood up more often then not once things begin to get really serious. From small time school teachers to the literal Yakuza (and eventually a candidate for Prime Minister, and a god), you don’t know where he is. And that becomes really stressful because then the doubt™️ sets in.

To make this less angsty and more funny, imagine you know from figuring it out. He’s suspiciously watching the news on the PT, and no offense to Ryuji, he’s not the most quiet. So he’s so nervous trying to tell you when you’re just “yeah I know, sorry for not telling you, I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to know.” and he’s just the surprised pikachu face.

As for date nights, the city is your oyster. I’d say the world but mans still currently has a criminal record so probably not yet. But he’s gonna take you wherever you want. Whether it’s a themed cafe, or just the streets of Shinjuku, as you take in all the sights from the bright places, he’s willing to do whatever for you. That includes facing off kids at the arcade for a stuffed plush you saw and admitted it was cute. He is a man on a mission. And you cannot stop him. So you both end up back at Leblanc at the end of the night carrying your plushies and eating some curry that Sojiro left warming for you. That even includes the Big Bang Burger challenge he will do it for you , even though you probably do laugh at his pain after but you still coo and praise his efforts.

After he goes back home, record clean and world hopefully peaceful. Virtual dates become a thing, either just sitting and talking while having dinner or something is nice. He still loves to say those cheesy pickup lines that had you hiding your flustered expression as you walked through the streets of Shibuya on call. You only hung up on him once but he quickly called back and was very pouty about it. You were forgiven though with the promise of giving many kisses when he visits.

[ajokeformur-ray]

I watched Joker tonight and typed out my thoughts as they occurred to me. Unedited; typos are guaranteed. I did this a few months ago and really enjoyed looking back at my thought process and I wanted to do it again so that I can look back and know that what I feel is real and true in my darkest times.

You're welcome to skip this; it's under a cut for ease of doing so. Warnings for occasional sexual comment lmao. There’s no self shipping in this, I don’t think.

word count: 2, 575.

I’M SOBBING and I’ve only just pressed play.

Heart squeeze Chest much ow

THERE HE IS

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

Nooooo baby omg don’t pretend - let yourself hurt if it hurts. Don’t pretend. 

Carnival Carnival Carnivalllllllll 😍😍😍😍😍

I am a Simp for one clown and his name is Carnival

Someone help him, I????

That sign hit Arthur as hard as my love for him did ksksksk

MY EYES BE LEAKIN💔💔💔💔💔

bb nooooo

Oh honey let me kiss those bruises and replace the marks of violence with love, hm? You’re safe with me.

Breathe, my love. Don’t fight the laughter. Let it out, let yourself go. 

Screams into a pillow because????? much sad must kiss

“have you been keeping up with your journal?” LIKE HE HAS TIME

oHHHHH boi’s close to losing his shit

Do it, Artie. Give ‘em hell.

“I think I did” YOU TELL HER!!���💖💖

I want to be his cigarette. Where’s Satan??? I got a new deal for my blackened soul which he took at half price😂😂😂😂

I’d have my hand between the door and his head so fuckin fast I swear

“I just don’t wanna feel so bad anymore” yep SAME

ohhhh peekaboo🥺🥺🥺

this makes me giggle ksksksk i watch this scene when i feel sad bc it always makes me happy for the time it’s on

he’s so good with kids; he doesn’t have to try and think about what’s funny, he just does it, he’s himself and it works

FUCK OFF LADY CAN’T YOU SEE HE’S STRUGGLING????

give

him

back

his

card

casually wrinkling my nose against tears lmao

ohhh the way he looks up at those stairs from the bottom

i can feel his exhaustion

me too, my love

step step step step

god i wanna get him the fuck outta gotham

and into my arms and a soft, warm blanket

“eat. you need to eat” LITERALLY WHAT I TELL MYSELF EVERY DAY IN HIS VOICE BC OTHERWISE I JUST WOULDNT EAT???? I’m losing so much weight asdfghjk its not enough tho

SUPAH RATS

Did Arthur come up w that joke or was it actually a Murray joke????

HIS VOICE IS SO SOFT IM CRY??🥺🥺🥺🥺

“I WAS PUT HERE TO SPREAD JOY AND LAUGHTER”

YOU DO BABY, YOU DO!!!! EVERY FUCKING DAY!!!!

go deepthroat a cactus randall - youre already a bit of a prick so🙃🙃🙃

“THE GUYS THINNK YOU’RE A FREAK BUT I LIKE YOU”

HOYT. YOU CAN GO SIT ON A CACTUS TOO

FUCK OFF

😡😡😡😡

“WHY WOULD ANYONE STEAL A SIGN”//”WHY DOES ANYONE DO ANYTIHNG?” HOYT YOU’RE SO FUCKING ILLOGICAL HERE IM????? ERIKA DOES NOT (ALSO WILL NOT LMAO IM A STUBBORN BIITCH) COMPUTE

Can arthur fuck me like he pounds the trash/????🥵🥵👀

those dark curls.... that crooked tooth... must kiss.🥺🥺🥺

pennys casual cruelty makes me so fucking angry

foreshadowingggggg ~  *JAZZ HANDS*

ugh the way he dances with that gun im👀🥵🥵🥵

he enjoys the power of it and his breathing gets deeper asdfghjk

clumsy baby omggggg i just COOED 🥺🥺🥺🥺

okay maybe im stupid but i genuinely dont understand this “senior who needs to graduate” skit i’m??? how is being an intro to western civ student funny im???? someone explain???

but also dont bc fuck that guy lmao arthur’s hilarious

true millenial humour (and brit humour lmao we’re dark asf)

THE WAY ARTIE TWIRLS HIS FINGERS AROUND HIS HAIR AND DANCES IN HIS SEAT IM???🥺🥺🥺

wanna curl up on his lap at night when hes writing and go to sleep with a 

blanket around our bodies🥺🥺🥺🥺

when arthur wears a shirt at home you KNOW it’s a daydream

THAT CROOKED TOOTH IM WANT KISS.

WAIT IS IT CALLED STAND UP COMEDY BC YOU STAND UP... AND ITS COMEDY???

23 FUCKING YEARS, PEOPLE... TO REALISE THAT🙄

WHEN CARNIVAL CAME ON SCREEN I NTHE HOSPITAL I MADE A PORNOGRAPHIC NOISE LMAO I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

IF YOURE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT, SHOOT MURRAY

WOOPS WRONG LYRICS

😂

“doctor of laughter”🥺🥺🥺🥺

doctor i have a case of the Big Sad can you... do an exam? 😉😏

NO BB DONT BEAT YOUR HEAD UP THERES PRECIOUS CARGO IN THERE

in what world does chucking cold greasy chips in a girls hair being “nice”???

lmao fuck these guys

ohhh honey breathe. dont fight it, my love, just breathe.

my heart’s breaking for you, you sweet thing🥺🥺🥺

i love you so so so so so so so much ugh you’re an actual fucking angel

just breathe darling

i need to get you a cup of tea with honey in it, your throat must be so sore

ohhhh baby im so sorry

i’d take every single punch if i could

i’d die for you

i wish i could protect you

i wish i could look after you

and take all those hits

and kill those guys for you

im so sorry

sobbingggg

YES GOOD MAN THANK YOUUU

KILL THOSE ASSHOLES LMAO DESERVED IT

yeah i have a grey morality... im similar to deadpool in that way tbh

carnival comin’ to kill your insecurities

8 bullets in a 6 chamber???? mm-hm

DONT FORGET YOUR BAG THATS EVIDENCE

AND THE WIG

RUN BABY RUNNNNNNN

GO GO GO GOOOOOOOOOOOO

RUN LIKE THE WIND BULLSEYE

THE SOUND OF HIS FEET SLAPPING THE PAVEMENT IM👀

OOOOOH JOKER’S WAKIN’ UUUUUUP

fuck he’s so hypnotic

the way he runs his hand down his lower stomach asdfghj🥵

must kiss the inner tendons on his wrists and lick the blood off his face 

must kiss

he moves like water

fuck hes so fluid

bathroom scene = the scene in which my heart and vagina clench at the same time

im WANT

T POSEEEEEEEE

“i still owe you for that, dont i?”

PUNCH OUT IS MY FAVOURITE THING E  V  E  R

D O N T S M I LE

UGH I FUCKING HATE being told to smile if i don’t fucking want to so BIG mood

PLEASE SHUSH ME THE WAY YOU JUST SHUSHED PENNY IM???

but also dont lmao bc i’ll think you’re mad at me and i’ll hide in the bedroom for the rest of the day lmao i’m sensitive✨✨✨

i wanna sit on his lap and still his bouncing knees

“thats not funny”

fuck off penny yes it is

I JUST CHOKED ON MY COFFEE IM???

“but i do” god the  P O W E R

ugh that fucking sexist piece of shit comedian can choke “women look at sex like buying a car” 🤢🤮🤢🤢🤮

chauvinistic pigs can die thanks

his lil trip upstage im cry🥺🥺🥺

ohhh baby. just breathe, darling. it’s okay to be scared. dont fight it. just breathe. 

he and i both cover our mouths when we laugh/smile in the exact same way and it makes me feel closer to him

how can they think hes laughing at himself when hes literally gagging????

people only see what they wanna

the Penny imitation is👌👌👌

s m i l e

i remember when i came home from seeing this for the first time, i got home and dropped to my knees to cry in the bathroom. it was such an emotional release and so much love and i played smile to try to make myself smile but i only made myself cry harder lmaooooo ~ 

smile and thats life are my go-to songs if i gotta cheer tf up

danger sign = neither works

he looks so soft after his “date”🥺🥺🥺

“thats life” yeah but murray you dont even leave the studio so how do you know????

ngl arthur’s anger scares me.

anyone so much as raise their voice at me and i’ll cry really bad and i will shut myself away for the rest of the day and quiet anger terrifies me so his banging abt in the kitchen would freak me tf out😲

angry bb😭

he controls his anger so fast though omgggg ~ 

that soft please sends me

idk where it sends me lmao

down below probably

BARE FACED CARNIVAL OMG THIS SCENE IS SO CUTE

I LOVE THE MATCHING COLOURS ON ARTHUR AND BRUCE TOO ???

okay but the implication that arthur always carries a clown nose on him is🥺🥺🥺

hes such a good clown im?????

lmao im enjoying the show more than bruce is skskskk

arthur’s lil chuckle makes me🥺

his HUMMING im??? soft?????

his brows are so strong and dark omggg ~ he’s so beautiful

OKAY i’ll be honest i’ve seen this alfred/bruce scene and the thomas bathroom scene later on and the penny flashback scene a 100 times and i still dont fucking understand what did or didnt happen regarding arthur’s parentage im????

 ive seen interpretations to say he is thomas’ son and some to say he isnt and i still cant decide so? im stupid i guess 🙃

“a clown thing?” the  s a s s

“it’s exit only” yeah so’s my ass🙃

if i was there in the hospital room i woulda turned that tv off as soon as i realised what clip was gonna play

murray’s cruelty is d i s g u s t i n g

lmao hes an asshole

arthurs lil clap from joyyyyy ~ 🥺🥺🥺

did i say murray???

i meant  m u r r a t

🙃🙃🙃

sneaky baby

wayne hall either has super bad security or arthurs v quick on his feet

🤔🤔🤔🤔

he looks so good in red omggg ~ 

f o r e s h a d o w i n g

arthurs smile when hes watching chaplin is how he smiles when we all gush to each other abt him and ourselves!!!

hes so cuuuuuute🥺🥺🥺🥺😭😭😍😍😍🥰🥰🥰

“told me what” 

ohhhh honey🥺🥺 im so sorry. “crazy” is a trigger word for arthur; it made him start laughing in the bathroom with thomas

“touch my son again ill fucking kill you” yeah?? touch my arthur again and i’ll fucking kill you🙃🙃🙃🙃

^^^ that ones a joke do not come at me

the clerk in arkham was nice to arthur - he, gary and sophie are the good gothamites.

none of it was enough to stop his descent into joker, though, and i’d even say it was too late right at the beginning of the film, too... 

his sock puppet thingy “they cut all those” is such a Joker thing to doooo ~ 

the way arthur’s laughing in the hall at arkham turns into sobbing is gut-wrenching omg the poor thing😭

i wanna hug him and protect him and help him to process this in a healthy way

sweetheart, if i could take all of your pain and put it onto me... i so would. i’d do it in a heartbeat.

i wanna get you into a hot shower, make you some food and sit and listen to you. we can either sit in silence or you can talk to me, my love, and you will be heard and understood and loved.

“i had a bad day”

IT’S OKAY I DIDNT NEED MY HEART ANYWAY OMG YOU POOR SWEET INNOCENT THING IM LOVE YOU🥺💔

THAT ENTIRE LATE NIGHT SCENE LAUGH/SOBBING GOT ME -

💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

i just wanna hold you and protect you and help you and love you

I’m so fucking sorry, darling. i wish i could take it all away from you

“i havent been happy one minute of my entire fucking life”

NO ONE SHOULD LOOK THAT ANGELIC AFTER COMMITING MATRICIDE IM????

get

that

fucking

gun

away

from

your

face

boi dont test me ill fucking go feral or - no, tell you what, i’ll point the gun at me and see how you like it

im looking respectfully at the green speckled undies scene....👀👀👀

“coming” 😏😏😏

“my mum died im celebrating” and “i stopped taking my medication” and you STILL stayed in the apartment with Arthur????? dudes those are 🚨🚨🚨 signs

woe betide anyone who underestimates arthur fleck lmaoooo

randalls death scene makes me laugh every time omg i feel so vindictive

get WRECKED

i wanna lick the blood off his face. i really want to

ngl i think i have a blood kink... 

“dont look just go” ME WITH MY ACNE WHEN I SEE IT IN THE MIRROR 😂😂😂😂

JOKERJOKERJOKERJOKER 

ASDFGHJKL

J

O

K

E

R

ERIKA.EXE HAS STOPPED WORKING

JOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERRRRRR

😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 MY BABY MY MAN OMG THERE HE IS IM CRY???????😭🥺😭🥺😭🥺

my mind is literally blank rn im just staring and crying and smiling so hard my face hurts????? im love him so so so so much

sweet thing’s so used to pain he gets HIT BY A CAR AND KEEPS GOING????

I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU

hghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

euirrrrrrgkjbgkfbirsghigrbugr

*incoherent keyboardsmash to portray utter love*

ohhh baby no dont cry. oh honey😭 i wanna sit on your lap and kiss your tears away

“i love dr sally”

you have a WIFE at home

“DO YOU REMEMBER?” THAT WAS YOUR CUE TO APOLOGISE LMAO GET FUCKED MURRAT

he’s so CUTE

omgggg ~ 

my hearts gonna give out its SQUEEZING SO HARD IT HURTS

YOU MOCK THEM, BABY!!! THEY GOT IT COMING

“i wanna get it right” hes so passionate

my comments have deceased in number bc im just too starstruck and in love to even think clearly lmao

jokers all i know rn and this is the most peaceful ive felt in WEEKS

im sobbing

ugh fuck this hurts so BAD

youre speaking the truth, darling. im so so proud of you and i love you so much

“THEY COULDNT CARRY A TUNE TO SAVE THEIR LIVES” LMAO INSIDE JOKESSS

literally sobbing right now ugh what the fuck youre in so much pain and in the middle of a breakdown and no one saw you

ugh baby im so sorry, you deserve so much better

you tried so hard and you were gonna fall no matter what

IN THE WHITE ROOM

“hi” baby they cant hear you but im COOING 🥺🥺🥺🥺

you’re so fucking cute

say the word and ill burn gotham to the fucking ground for you

i wanna sit atop that car and cradle your head in my lap and wipe the blood off your face and help you stand up and be there for you and and and😭😭😭😭😭😭 i love you so so so much. 

i’d be so much worse off without you in my life. you brought a splash of colour which has never dimmed or faded. it never will. 

b l o o d    s m i l e

=

im wearing my inside on the outside now and it still hurts

angel💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

i see you and your pain. i love you.

i see you, angel. 

his genuine laughter is🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

that cute lil “ksksks” he does im🥺🥺🥺

i always laugh with him omg the two of us are laughing together ugh its the closest i will ever get to sharing in his joy

 t h a t ‘s    l i f e

i love the hallway daaaaaaaaaaaaaance ~ 

them hips dont lie😉😉😉

i love you i love you i love you i love you omg the sun’s like a halo ugh i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you im singing along to thats life while i type out how much i love you at 220am lmaooooo ~ 

i   l o v e    y o u

[vanchlo]

The Assistant / Chapter Thirty-Three, “If It Kills Me”

A story about what happens when she can’t be just his assistant anymore, and he can no longer be only her boss. Now, can they be happy with being just friends?

Read this story from the beginning here! :-) 

Inspo tag here!

*NEW* Spotify playlist in the works can be found here, songs that inspire me for the story and have significance in the story c: 

Warnings: one brief mention of vomiting, and some mild language.

                                   SNEAKY PEEEEEEEEEEEK

“And Becky’s face consumes my thoughts, much like it’s been captivating my conscience as of recent. Rather unsurprisingly. 

There it remains for days, much like it has been. It follows me through the air as I stare out the window, floating above the clouds. It crops into my conversations, leeching any enjoyment gathered from them. I even see it in a crowd of people inside the walls of the courtroom before I deliver my closing statement. When I look a second time, I’m disappointed to find the eyes of a stranger. 

I only find a respite from longing for her face when I turn my phone off, trying to stop wondering why she won’t return my texts. That thought only sticks to all of my others during the coming week with more ignored texts, craving her voice, and sufficing for browsing her Instagram. Her face. That smile. The smell that sat in the corner of her neck. I miss all of it.”

Song Inspiration: If It Kills Me by Jason Mraz (click to listen)

            “It’s like before it’s gonna storm, you know? You can’t see it, but you can feel it, like this, uh electricity, you know?” - Steve Harrington, Stranger Things 

The warm rays hit my cheeks as my sandals pound on the pavement. I wonder how I could ever be unhappy given the May sun shining down on me, and walking from my favorite restaurant. Without fail, the blissful idea is stolen away by a swarm of thoughts dosed in reality. And a particular one that reminds me of what I need to do, despite the dread I’ve been feeling. Not even the former respite of Asher’s hug after our shared lunch can keep them away. 

Pulling my phone from my pocket, I swipe through my apps until I find the right one. Stopping in front of my gray car, I lean against the door with a huff. My thumbs hover across the screen nervously, followed by a curse under my breath. Quickly, they flit across the screen composing words in front of my eyes. Sliding into my driver seat, I stare at the screen for a moment longer before hitting send. 

I wait for the chime to come, telling me I have a new message, from him. Nervousness coats my limbs and only grows worse as the minutes tick by driving home. Waiting. But when I check my phone after walking in the door, my lock screen showing my dad and I’s smiling faces is blank. 

No new messages. 

Sliding off my black sandals, I pad through the shared living room and kitchen area before reaching my bedroom. My laptop beckons for me across the room on my desk, and I sit down before it. I hope that maybe if I don’t procrastinate this specific thing, maybe things will turn out a little better. But as I’m opening a study guide for Family Law’s final exam, I’m proven wrong. 

The chime grabs my attention immediately, making my fingers still on the keyboard. Flitting my eyes to the lavender Speck phone case, I grow antsy at wondering who the text is from. And what it says. Inhaling nervously, I pick it up and wake up the screen. The few words of a preview I see of the text cues a sour anxiousness to grow in my stomach. Bringing my knees up onto my chair, I pull them against my chest as I open the text. 

Me

Hey I’m so sorry I’ve been terrible at texting back, finals these next two weeks are getting to me. Speaking of that I realized that I have to take a final at the time we’re supposed to get lunch in a few days. I’m really sorry but can we reschedule . . . again? I was thinking in two weeks when I’m finally free from the clutches of uni????? :( 

Harry 

sorry cant love. im in edinburgh all that week for a case. lets talk about it when im back. good luck w finals xx

Sighing, I type up a short response, agreeing to that. With guilt casting a shadow over me, I return my attention to the lengthy study guide. The gross feeling in my stomach remains, and with its arrival, my excitement for our lunch date is replaced with disappointment. I’ve been looking forward to it for weeks since we rescheduled it the first time, due to me messing up the dates, again. Peeking my eyes at my phone, I turn away and slump against my chair. 

It’s been a month since I saw him last, and although we’ve sent a handful of texts, they haven’t been enough for me. Skye, of course, told me that there’s nothing stopping me from showing up at his office door, but she’s wrong. I don’t know his schedule anymore, and for all I know, I’d be waiting around for him. Plus, my appearance would just yell ‘desperate!’ Sometimes, I wonder what little world Skye is tucked away into that’s far simpler, not realizing I still have to work during the day, especially more so this summer. 

But as the days drag on with chemo and radiation appointments, and lectures upon lectures, I think maybe Skye has the right idea being so optimistic. Maybe. 

+

Over the next few weeks, I see him at almost every corner I turn, and it hurts more than it should after all these weeks. The ignored texts shouldn’t feel like a fresh stab wound when I see that Scrabble box in the family room, get on that very same lift, or walk past the nurse’s station I found him leaning against that morning. Nothing compares to the piano and the pang I feel in my chest at the sight of it. It comes every time I walk through those doors and am reminded of the intimacy held on those keys. No, it didn’t get easier after the first time being back there with my dad, or the fifth time. Avoiding that gray sofa like the plague only reminded me of the texts I sent him that went unanswered. I can’t blame him though, because like a bitch, I took a week sometimes to reply to him. 

The tight feeling in my chest only feels heavier as I sit on the plaid couch in my childhood living room. I can’t even enjoy watching FRIENDS like I used to be able to, as their faces bring forth the sound of his laugh. It pains me to turn down their voices as I dig my phone out from under the cushions. I try not to let it get to me when I, once again, find no new text messages. My attempt is futile and it only causes me to take longer to open the phone app. By now, I know his number by heart, but my shaky hands cause me to mess up a few times. 

Pressing the phone to my ear, all I can hear is its ringing and the pounding of my heart. As the seconds drag on, I’m almost certain I’ll hear the voicemail next. But then I’m pleasantly surprised, although the bitterness in my stomach blossoms. 

“Hullo?” His gravelly voice pulls my lips into an instant smile. Rubbing the back of my neck anxiously, the words fall from my lips hurriedly. 

“Hi, Harry.”

“Hey, how’s it goin’?” he responds curtly, a clattering noise heard in the background before he mutters a ‘shit.’

“I’m sorry, did I call at a bad time?” I ask quickly, regret filling my veins. 

“No, yer fine. ‘m jus’ makin’ dinna.”

“Oh um, nice. What are you cooking?” I inquire, twirling the braided silver ring on my pointer finger. Swallowing, I wait to hear his molasses drawl again, like music to my ears. 

“Jus’ a stir fry. So . . . why’d ya ring?” Harry responds, a coolness hugging his voice. 

“Um, I haven’t heard from you in a while and wanted to say hi.”

“Hi,” he hums awkwardly, followed by the sound of a door closing. Squeezing my eyes shut, uneasiness falls over me in a wave. Oddly, I wonder if all of a sudden I can’t call to say hi. “Ya, we’ve both been busy. Cases fer me, an’ prolly uni an’ yer dad’s treatments fer you.”

“Yeah,” I agree aloud, my chin falling to rest in my palm. But it leaves a second later to lose my fingers in my hair. “I wanted to tell you that I finished my finals last week, so now I just have clinical left in the fall. Oh, and my dad got to ring the bell today. He’s all done with chemo and radiation after his scans all looked good. It’s hard to believe that he’s cancer-free. His doctors will, of course, have to keep an eye on him in the future to make sure it doesn’t come back, but I couldn’t be happier.” 

“Tha’s wonderful, love,” Harry coos into my ear, the first notes of happiness heard in his voice. It begins to put me at ease, and cause me to think maybe something isn’t off after all. “‘m really glad t’ hear that- well both o’ those things.”

Unbeknownst to me, I find myself nodding along with his words as if I needed his confirmation. But his words stop there, and the sickening feeling that something is wrong settles back in. A small ‘yeah’ stumbles off my lips as my fingers form into a fist in my lap, debating what to say next. Or if I should ask what I’ve been wanting to say the entire time. 

“We weren’t able to get ahold of each other a few weeks ago to reschedule lunch. Would you still like to?” Going out on a limb, I let the words fly. 

I watch for them apprehensively, uncertain if they’ll take flight. The loud sound from his side, the subsequent shuffling, and a voice saying his name shoots them down hastily. 

“‘m sorry, I gotta go. ‘ll text ya ‘bout gettin’ lunch,” Harry remarks, his words stringing together swiftly. I barely have the chance to say an ‘okay’ before he abruptly hangs up, sewing together an unwanted thought for me. 

Tossing my phone to the other end of the couch, I fall back against the cushions. Turning up the volume of the telly, I avert my gaze back to the make-believe world I’ve always taken comfort in. As the phone call gnaws away at my insides, planting insecurities every few steps, I let the characters whisk me away. Even if their faces and familiar jokes will now never stop reminding me of him, and something I let go of that I didn’t know I had. I only feel worse when I realize that I knew then that he’d never send that text, and I think he knew that, too.

+

“Staring at it isn’t going to make it ring, y’know,” somebody states, pulling me from my webs of thoughts. 

Lifting my attention away from the black screen in my hand, I catch Myles looking at me impatiently. 

“Wha- ‘m sorry. I was listenin’.”

“Then what’d I just say?” he requests, the hand propped against his chin rising in a silent question. 

My lips fall apart to welcome my voice, but nothing comes out. Shrugging, he receives his answer and replies with a disapproving glare. 

“Hare, this is important stuff. We’re leaving for Edinburgh tomorrow for the case, it’s a huge one.”

“I know, My. Jus’ repeat what ya said, please,” I huff, batting a hand at him. His eyes roll into the back of his head when he leans back in his leather chair. 

“I swear to God, Harry, I-.”

“Stop,” I retort, growing annoyed. 

He plays with the point of his quiffed blonde hair before clearing his throat. Although I try to listen the second time around, my gaze is lulled back to my laptop screen. My fingers itch to touch the keys and type up words, and when Myles begrudgingly answers his ringing phone, I find my chance. Sliding my silent phone into my pocket, I click on the blue thought bubble, only to be met with disappointment. Brushing it away, my fingers fly across the keys and my words are sent with a soft hum. Soon, Myles hangs up the phone with a perturbed sigh and resumes the conversation we were having. Again, I try to return to the bubble we share and the words that occupy it, but my mind is consumed with the anticipation of that coveted ding. And with Becky’s face, much like it’s been captivating my thoughts as of recent. Rather unsurprisingly. 

There it remains for days, much like it has been. It follows me through the air as I stare out the window, floating above the clouds. It crops into my conversations, leeching any enjoyment gathered from them. I even see it in a crowd of people inside the walls of the courtroom before I deliver my closing statement. When I look a second time, I’m disappointed to find the eyes of a stranger. 

It crowds my mind when I wait for the boarding call, tapping my fingers along the screen and watching the words be sent off. I only find a respite from longing for her face when I turn my phone off, trying to stop wondering why she won’t return my texts. That thought only sticks to all of my others during the coming week with more ignored texts, craving her voice, and sufficing for browsing her Instagram. Her face. That smile. The smell that sat in the corner of her neck. All of it. I miss all of it. It gnawed away at me slowly, and terribly, burying doubts beneath my defenses. They sprang up when I least expected them, and when I thought about sending just one more text. A few words wouldn’t hurt anything, I thought, but at the same time, I distrust the ultimate impact they could have. 

The pounding jars me from my reverie, bringing me to my feet slowly. Padding past the television and kitchen area, a yawn jumps from my lips. Another pound lands on the door, dragging my brow into a knot. 

“Oh, shuddup!” I exclaim in disbelief, wrapping my fingers around the smooth metal of the door. Yanking it open, I find the grinning bearded face of my mate standing on my stoop. “‘m not goin’, Rore, I already told ya this.”

“C’mon, Harry, I’ll look like a right idiot being there all alone,” Rory responds, his steps telling me he’s following me inside once I turn around. “Help a mate out here.” 

“Ya, ‘coz ya were so helpful tha otha day when I asked ya t’ consult with me fer the Starkey case.” Scoffing, his words pause between his lips as I fill a glass of water from the attachment on the fridge. “Why’re ya goin’ anyways, since it sounds like sumthin’ yer dreadin’? And since when d’ya even go t’ these sorta things? Last place I thought ‘d see you at, Rore.”

“I don’t, but it’s for me sister’s showing. I can’t miss it, she’s me baby sister. I’d hear about it from me mum for weeks.”

Snorting, I have to pull the glass of water away from my lips. 

“Hope ya bloody choke on that water, mate,” Rory scoffs, only making me laugh harder. Water flies from my lips as I’ve forgotten the glass on the marbled countertop. “Are ya coming or not, Harry? Ya know it’s a good place to pick up chicks, too. They blooming love these art gallery places.”

Recovering from my fit of giggles, I turn my head to find Rory waiting with the question in his eyes. He huffs and riffles a hand through his tousled blonde hair a few shades lighter than that which covers his face. Shaking his head, he wiggles his head at me. 

“I’ll consult with you on the next case, or even give ya first pick,” he whines, folding his hands together under his chin, as if he’s praying. 

“‘m yer bloody boss, I always get first picks,” I murmur, a smile cracking at the end of my words. 

“Oh, fuck off, would you?” he spits, pushing at a chair in front of the seated bar attached to the kitchen island. Clucking his tongue, he messes with the collar of his navy blue blazer thrown over a bloody Zeppelin shirt. Yeah, you sure look artsy there, Rore. But with the next words that fly from his sailor’s mouth, he pins me down. “What’re ya gonna do here anyways, sit and watch the bleeding telly all in your lonesome when ya could be with me getting damn a date?”

Biting my lip, my house slippers come into my view and when Rory’s eyes find them, a laugh explodes from his lips. “Go hurry up and bloody change before you’re too far gone, mate. I’ll be in the car,” he titters before his voice falls with a delighted sigh. Delight found in my pain. 

“Two cases, Rore. Any two cases I want, ya consult with me on. Ya got it?” I argue, following on his footsteps. 

“Whatever makes ya feel better, mate. I know you'll be thanking me later tonight.” 

“Doubt it,” I mutter, watching him open the door, sure there’s a sly grin covering his face. 

I turn to jog up the stairs until I arrive in my bedroom. Quickly, I toss on skinny jeans, a Keith Haring shirt, and a mustard button up smattered with faded white flowers. I look rather artsy, I reckon, I decide as I look at myself in my bathroom mirror. It’s an easy feat when you’re standing next to wannabe Rory over there, though. After taming my hair and finding a pair of shoes, I pad down the stairs. 

“Alexa, turn off all o’ my lights,” I announce, slipping my wallet and phone into my pocket as my hous darkens around me. 

“Take fucking long enough?” Rory groans when I slide into the passenger seat of his silver Sentra. 

“Shuddup and drive, will you? So we can get this ova with.”

“If you’re gonna be an ass tonight, then just go back inside,” he almost laughs, beginning to back away from the towering walls of my house. 

“Talking ‘bout yerself, are ya now?” I quip, bringing my phone from my tight pockets, tapping in my passcode. 

“I’ve noticed, y’know,” he mumbles, barely loud enough for me to hear him. Looking up from the bright screen, his eyes don’t stray from the road. “There’s a girl, isn’t there? Or there was?” he continues, a man I’ve come to love over the last three years he’s worked with me. And somehow I thought I had fooled him, but it turns out, I haven’t. I can’t even fool myself.

“Sumthin’ like that,” I whisper, my attention straying back to the conversation lit on my screen. Another day of the ball being in her court, and she just leaves it in the bloody corner, neglecting it. “I see why ya wanted me t’ come now . . . jus’ don’ try t’ set me up with yer bloody sista. She’s like twenty.”

His hearty chuckle fills the space around us, the words of a song from Death Cab for Cutie lurking in the background. “I won’t, but y’know she’s not gonna let ya out of her sight, mate. She’s had the hots for you from day one.”

“Oh God, Rore, what’d I let ya drag me into here?” I joke, my lips curling into a nervous smile. But the smile feels good, and it feels even better when her name disappears from my screen, and I forget my phone in my pocket. 

+

“What happened to making me dinner?” I whine from the couch, crossing my left leg over the other under the comfort of my blanket. 

“That was when you were busy, and well, the other day when I was feeling generous. Not today, missy,” Skye scoffs, the sound of the fridge shutting marking her words. Something lands in my lap with a plop, startling me. 

“Wow, how gourmet. Why thank you, I definitely don’t need to make dinner now,” I joke, picking up the wrapped piece of string cheese. 

“I know you’re still going to eat it. Just eat cereal or something, you hobo. I’m going to bed at a decent time, unlike somebody.”

“Hey, it’s a Friday!” I argue, pressing the page down button on the remote, waiting for something to catch my eye on Netflix. 

“Yeah, and some of us still have a job on Saturdays!” she calls from her journey down the hall. 

“Party pooper!” 

She remains silent on the defensive line, and so does the list of boring content on the television screen. Relenting, I click over to My Stuff and press play on the next episode of FRIENDS. Relaxing into the cushions, I unwrap the cheese and slowly eat it in strings. Giggles flow from my lips watching the scene unravel in front of me, and some eye-rolls because of Ross or Monica. After a while, my legs stray to the fridge, and I return to the tan sectional with a bowl of Cheerios. The milk threatens to spill over the side when I sit up suddenly, almost yelping in laughter at the scene when Monica and Rachel lose their apartment to Chandler and Joey. The sugary Cheerios soon disappear, and the milk follows them as the episode nears the end. 

Placing my bowl and spoon in the dishwasher, I hurry back to the sofa to catch a Phoebe scene. My cheeks warm with a smile, but they soon grow cold when my thoughts have to interrupt with a memory of his face. That god awfully sweet smile adorned with his cherry lips and precious dimples. Without knowing what I’m doing, the cartoon looking app appears under my nose, and pictures fill my feed. I take a second look at a few of them that catch my attention, the angry voices of Rachel and Monica tickling at my ears. 

Soon, the search bar materializes and although it feels wrong, I type in letter after letter to create his name. I can’t remember the last time I glanced at his profile, just to catch a hint of him. Finding the profile I’ve become familiar with, I tap on his picture and wait for his profile to load. Glancing away, the tv captures my attention once more as I scratch at an itch on my leg. Yawning, I rub at my eye before it falls back to the blindingly bright screen. Blinking hard to clear the haze from my vision, I scroll down to see what new pictures he’s posted, although they’re usually few and far between. 

I find the most recent picture I recognize and tap through them. Picturesque shots from high in the clouds. His unbelievably adorable niece. Food-grams. A picture of a homemade pizza is making my mouth water and is still stuck in my mind when I happen upon the next photo, and the most recent one. The moisture in my mouth is wicked away, suddenly bone dry when the image in front of my eyes slowly registers with me. But I can’t believe it, even though I’m seeing it. I don’t want to see it, or believe it. The moisture reappears in the corners of my eyes quickly as a sourness quickly knits together in my gut. The image shakes in my hands and then blurs in my eyes, accented by the thrashing of my heart inside of my chest. 

“Skye!” I shout, the words leaping from my lips with little success. 

My lip wobbles and I feel my entire face collapse from pain, disbelief, the whole shebang. The sob screaming from my lips is muffled by my fingers coming to my mouth. 

“No, no, no, no, no,” I mutter, inhaling fast and feeling the tears in my throat. Because I can feel it everywhere in my body - the pain. In my eyes, my stomach, my hands, and my chest. The sight of Harry’s lips touching that of another girl’s sends knives into my heart, and my stomach roiling. “T-this can’t . . . ,” but my words escape me, because the multitudes of feelings punished with anguish and despair course through me. 

“Skye!” I yell again, not realizing that I’ve gotten to my feet. I stumble at first, feeling the weakness reach my legs. Her name leaves my lips wet with tears as I run past the kitchen and down the hall. 

Pushing open her door, darkness meets my eyes, and I swear in that moment it swallowed me. Hitting me, I grab the doorframe and feel my forehead fall against it. Leaning there for support, the sobs roll through me, the very reason still clutched in my hand. 

“Whaaaaat?” she groans tiredly from her bed across the room. 

But I only reply with a sob of her name, hiccups havocking my chest. My hands claw at the wall, darkness coating my eyelids. 

“Ree?” Skye asks groggily, the click of her lamp following her words. “What happened? Are you alright?” she hurries, the pillowy patting of her covers being thrown back meeting my ears. 

Her arms wrapping around me are almost numbing, and do nothing. And feel like nothing. But when I feel my head meet her chest, the slowed-down world I lived in for those few seconds vanishes. 

“Skye, I-. . . ,” I attempt, once again falling up short as tears suffocate my voice, much like they’re making me feel. Shakily, I press my phone into her hand as I try to find safety in her arms. 

I wait and then am rewarded with her intake of breath followed by a sigh. “Holy fuck,” she whispers, and retaliates by pulling me closer against her. “Come here, Ree.”

She walks me over to her bed and helps me under the covers until I’m surrounded by them, and her arms. 

“Who i-is she?” I demand sloppily, searching for something to hold onto and to anchor myself with. I’m compensated with the smooth fabric of her shirt that I cling to the back of, my head falling into her hair. The mundane scent of strawberries wafting from her body tries to relax me, but to no avail. 

“Ree-,” she begins, but I don’t let her start, let alone finish. 

“I want to kn- I need to know,” I respond, sniffling against the warm expanse of her neck. There’s shuffling next to me before she sighs, and I sense the light of my phone. Tapping prods at my hearing as I try to form coherent thoughts. 

I’m met with images of him. Harry. His dark curls, the way his eyes crinkle when he laughs, and the high-pitched giggle that accompanied my tickling as well as his own. The intruding memories rack my body with shaking sobs, pressing my lips together as new tears gush over them. My belly contracts with each sob, and I don’t even register the cramping in my hands from holding on so tightly. 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Skye hums warily from above, pulling my head into her neck, leaving her arm there to shield me from her words. Or the image that I can’t remove from my mind even if I tried. It’s burned there indefinitely now. 

His arms in a blue button-up surrounding her and his lips enveloping hers. A smile creasing his cheeks with happiness, and spreading to those of her dark cheeks. Her curvy body pressed against his, flowing ebony curls tickling her chocolate skin. 

“Tell me.”

“Okay,” Skye caves, the tips of her fingers running marathons along my back, in attempts to calm me down. But I don’t know if the tried and true will work this time, although it has for every other, even when my dad’s life was painted with the C-Word. “She’s a London based artist, does some sculpting and gallery work locally. According to her Instagram account, anyways.”

“I asked . . who is she?” I repeat, my voice wavering under the dominance of the tears. 

“Her name’s Bailee Taylor.”

“W-what does her page look . . . like?” I request, exhaustion blanketing me, and only adding another feeling to the rest. Blinking away the tears, I try to take in a deep breath, but my memories hit me with the safety I felt in his arms. Unwaveringly. 

“It looks like they’re . . dating,” Skye announces quietly, squeezing me around the middle. The confirmation I didn’t know I’d been searching for hits me like a train, knocking the air out of me again. And all of a sudden, hatred pulses through me, asking me where to lay it. Where to feel it. “There’s a few pictures of them on her feed, looks like they met maybe a few weeks ago.” 

“Why?” jumps from my lips finally, taking a nosedive to join a sea of unanswered questions. The word shakes the second it leapt from my tongue, and somehow it hurts more than all of the rest. “I h-hate him,” I cry, my nose smushing against her skin when I try to hold onto her tighter than I already am. 

“No, you don’t,” she coos, raking her fingers through my hair slowly, and carefully. 

“I know, b-but I wish I could,” I answer, the memories dancing through my head at hyper speed. Falling asleep in his arms, and waking up in them. The tickling fight. The almost kiss. The Scrabble game. Waking up to find him waiting there in the doorway. Him coming back even after the way I treated him. Finding him standing there at the front of the lecture hall. The reprieve of being in his arms again after so long spent away from them. And then, like a wall, my mind runs into the strings of unanswered texts. The canceled lunch dates. The both of us ignoring the other’s texts, but then at the end, it was him. It was him who was awkward during the last phone call. He hung up on me abruptly, and I heard somebody else was there. Was it her? It’s possible they would have already been together by then. He said he’d text me to set up lunch, and he never did. 

“It won’t make you feel better,” she murmurs, cupping my head with her palm. The sound of tears edging at her words only makes mine come harder, and the feeling in my gut grows louder. 

“Then what will?” I beg, wondering if I’ll ever forget the taste of the salty tears. A taste I thought I could forget just late last month when my dad was cured. News that I told him, and had been impatiently waiting to do all day. “I thought I was just feeling okay again, Skye.”

“I know, Ree, I’m so sorry,” she returns, placing her cheek against mine, the first tear peeking through in her voice. “I’m sorry.”

I unpeel myself from her anxiously, kicking away the blankets before my feet land on the floor. 

“Where are you going?” she almost demands, the sound of her following me far away. 

“I’m gonna be sick,” I confess, rushing down the hall before falling to my knees in front of the toilet. The Cheerios and milk from earlier make a reappearance, along with the string cheese, and mushy contents of my other meals. 

Running a cold cloth along my face, Skye kneels in front of me, her face painted in sadness.

“How can it hurt so much, Skye, when he wasn’t even mine?” I croak, focusing on the lone tile in our bathroom that doesn’t match the rest of the flooring. 

“I think you’re wrong, he was yours, Ree.”

“I was so close. I fucked up, again,” I weep, my lips collapsing with yet another sob. 

“Don’t say that, don’t,” she insists, tucking her hair behind her studded ear when it goes every which way with the shaking of her head. “You can’t blame yourself for this.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“It feels like it is. She’s so pretty . . Of course she is,” I remember aloud, breathing in quickly before the tears take hold of me once more. Closing my eyes, I reach out for her and let my head rest against her shoulder. 

“She really isn’t, Ree. A big pair of tits doesn’t make you pretty, and anyways, you’re far prettier. He could do much better, like you.”

“You’re just saying that,” I confess, trying to swallow, but my throat has tied itself into knots with the thoughts of him. And when that word falls out of bed inside of my head, I find that it can hurt worse. “I was his Becks, Skye, I thought it was right there. That it was gonna happen for us.”

“Oh, Ree,” she cries, sniffling against my hair when she pulls me against her. “I know, I’m so sorry . . so sorry.”

Nodding into her chest, it feels right as her necklace digs into my wet cheek. My jaw aches from clenching my teeth, and so does every other part of my body in some way. Somehow I let her bring me back to her bed, and hide me away in her arms. My head swims with questions, then fleeting hatred for him, and inconsolable longing the very next. I shed a tear for his smell, his contagious smile, that Scrabble game we’ll never finish, the churros I’ll never be able to eat again without him ruining them for me, the color of his eyes I could never forget, and the lost feeling of his lips I never got to kiss. The list miles long of things I never got to say to him, or do with him, or make him feel. Because now she does, and she isn’t me. 

“I-I thought . . that he felt the same way about me, and that somehow he knew that I loved him.” 

A whimper escapes Skye’s lips as my tears fall into her neck, adding to the puddle I’ve shed there. 

“What does she have that I don’t? Am I not interesting? Does she have a nicer body than I do? Am I not pretty enough? Was I not nice enough or appreciative of him?” I weep, the questions flowing off my lips from the recesses of my mind. My name greets my ears firmly, but I ignore it. “I was trying to answer his texts when I could, but things got so busy with uni and my dad. All the driving, the tests in both places, and I couldn’t keep dates right in my head. Maybe if I’d texted him back sooner that one time, or made the lunch date on the right day the first time-.”

“Becky, don’t do the ‘ifs’ thing,” Skye urges, pulling the covers further up our shoulders before returning to combing my hair back again and again. 

“But I can’t stop thinking about what went wrong, a-and how much I miss him, Skye. I miss him a hundred times more after seeing that picture,” I reveal, falling into her, my lips meeting her shoulder. My teeth dig into my skin and I let them, numb to the pain as the same word is too busy with my mind. “I don’t know if I ever wanna see him again.”

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“But I do want to, I’ll always want to. Like something inside of me will always want him.” 

+

The sunlight streaming in through the windows is the first thing I see when I awake. Ducking my head back under the covers, I pull them over me with a groan. The blissful ignorance of the first few minutes after waking up follows me, until it all comes crashing back. 

“Are you awake?” a voice murmurs, sleep clinging to it. 

“Unfortunately,” I whisper, staring into the muted light underneath the gray covers. 

“I can stay home if you want me to, I was just making some breakfast,” Skye responds, the tapping of her feet along the floor following. 

“No, don’t cancel your hair appointments because of me. I’ll be . . I’ll be fine,” I tell her, but then the tears greet me good morning. 

“Oh, Ree, I’ll cancel and we can watch movies all day, or FRIENDS. Whatever you want,” she announces. The bed falls to one side when she sits on the edge, and I feel her hand find my back. 

“Thanks, I was hoping you’d say that,” I return, turning around and sitting up to dive into her arms. “I was hoping I had dreamt it all and it was just a bad dream. But my life is the bad dream.”

“Oh, Ree,” she coos, surrounding me with her arms. “I know this is cliche and it doesn’t feel like it, but it’ll get better.”

“I don’t know about that. My life is a running joke lately because it feels like it’ll get better, and then it just gets worse.”

+

“Your birthday is coming up, isn’t it, Becky?” somebody asks. Looking up from my cupcake, I find the face of Sophie. 

“Yeah, end of next week,” I answer, picking an orange sprinkle from the white frosting to eat.

“Do you have any big plans?” my boss asks as she places her lunch in the microwave. 

“My brother and I hang out every year, we’re twins.”

“Oh, how fun! I remember meeting him once when he brought you lunch one day,” she smiles, turning to face me as she waits in front of the humming microwave. 

I just nod and dip my finger into the frosting, feeling it melt on my tongue a second later. 

“Everything alright, love?”

“Yep, just tired is all,” I fib, taking a bite of the carrot cupcake, although I’m not wrong when I think about it. Skye has been a lifesaver for the last two weeks helping me get back on my feet. Thinking back on it and all of the tears leaves a funny taste in my mouth, but I try to brush it away with a forced smile. 

“How old will you be this year, Becky?” Sophie asks, pulling out a rolling chair to sit to my right at the long table. 

“Good old 26.”

“Wow, still a spring chicken, I’d say,” she comments, bringing a quirky smile to my lips. I almost follow her laugh with mine. “Well you know what, an early birthday present from me is you can have the rest of the day off. You always do a great job, Becky, and so you deserve it.”

“Sophie, I-,” I begin, my jaw falling to the floor. 

“I mean it, go. Get out of here. Go do something that makes you happy, love, it looks like you need to,” she smiles, squeezing my arm from across the table. Standing to my feet, profuse ‘thank yous’ leave my lips before I leave the break room. 

I drive around with my windows down, unsure of where to go instead of home. Before I know it, I find myself walking into my favorite little coffee shop. I’ve always loved to hang out here with a cup, reading a book, doing homework, or just relaxing on one of their sofas. 

Soon, I sit down with a Cubano sandwich and an iced cinnamon roll coffee, my very favorite. Pulling a book out of my work bag, I crack it open to the first page, unable to remember when I last had the time to read a book for fun. The words of Ruth Ware stare back at me, slowly drawing me into a made-up world, and away from the desolate one trying to swallow me. 

Quickly, I’m grateful for the respite from the thoughts mucking up my mind. Instead I lose myself in the sentences that spin a scary story, thanking my old self for stashing something besides a romance in my bag. That’s the last thing I could even think about indulging in right now. For some reason, the mystery entices me, a genre I’ve always had a love for. I think, especially now, it’s the aspect of being able to solve a mystery, and to fix a problem. If only I could do that now, I wish silently with a spiteful snort. 

Placing my empty plate on the return area by the cash register, I return to my cozy spot on the couch and to my book. Losing my fingers in my hair, I prop my head up and open the book to where I had left off. Soft indie music trickles from the speakers as conversations float around me. Several more sofas are dotted around the large room and booths, as well as tables varying in sizes. Friends play board games borrowed from the shelf by the fireplace, and others do schoolwork or actual work. A laugh from behind the counter echos through the room, right as the bell on the front door jingles. Although across the room, I can hear the voices floating in from the sidewalk. Cars honking and birds chirping. The sounds make me itch to leave the air-conditioned room, and bring my reading outside into the June sunshine. 

The words covering the pages root me to the spot, but they can’t protect me from what I hear. It’s a voice that I know inside and out, from the shortened words to the often used words. My vocal cords soon begin to tangle into knots in my throat at the mere noise. Beneath my baby blue blouse, there’s a clobbering in my chest as the voice grows near and then stops. Instinctively, hair falls through my fingers as I lower my head, wishing to remain unseen. Unknown. 

I can’t stop myself, and there I am looking up to see that crinkly-eyed smile through wrenching tears. 

Harry. 

[bleedingthirium]

Gavin x Reader (Stressed Out)

Authors Note: -Sobs- I tried to go for a softer Gavin Reed around his S/O at home but I feel like I went a little out of character. And I wrote ALOT. Im sorry! But I hope you enjoy it and I’m so sorry if it’s bad. And sorry it took so long to post.

Warnings: Swearing (because it’s fucking Gavin, c’mon people. GET A MOVE ON!) Category: Fluff

You and Gavin work completely opposite jobs; he was around dead people all the time, trying to find the murderer… whereas you were (more or less) based upon keeping people alive. Or – eventually, it would be come your job. Technically you held half a title as a Nurse. You’ve still got a lot of studying to do before you became a fully registered nurse. Though the doubts were slowly creeping in from the back of your mind, clouding your focus as you sat on the floor leaning your back against the couch. For some reason you preferred to sit on the floor with your studies spread across the coffee table. You know this wasn’t good for your posture, being a Nurse-in-training, you definitely knew better! At least everything was in reach and you didn’t have to lean yourself halfway over a dining room table to retrieve a document or textbook that happened to be a little bit too far from your reach. This was more or less how Gavin found you. Sitting on the floor with your studies surrounding you.

“Hey Babe. How’s your day?” He asked as he shut the door behind him, grey eyes taking in the copious amounts of paperwork and text books and forced himself to hold back a groan because he hated paperwork. The last thing he wanted to come home to was more paperwork, it reminded him too much of being back at the precinct. Of course, he didn’t outwardly complain because he knew this type of paperwork was necessary/essential. No way in hell he’d ever tell you to pack it away.

You didn’t even hear the keys jingle in the doorknob, or even hear him walk in until his voice suddenly yanked you out of your thoughts, causing you to jump almost ten feet in the air! “Jesus Gav! A bit of warning!” you gasped, hand flying to your chest in fright, as if you were attempting to calm your frantically beating heart down. “I gotta come home some time, babe.” He chuckled, clearly amused at catching you off guard. Your reaction was pretty fucking priceless. But his reaction slowly fell as realization dawned on his features. He had said goodbye to you this morning just as you were setting up for your study sesh. Except it had only been three text books and a small file of paperwork. Not this strewn of a mess. “Y/N? Have you been there the entire day?” Your eyebrows lifted as if Gavin just asked the most ridiculous question in the universe, but when your eyes glanced to the clock on the wall, they widened at the time. 6:30pm! What the hell!? Where the hell did the time go!? “Uh, I guess so? Then that also means I haven’t gotten as far as I’d like. I’ve still got a report to write, essays… Oh my god, I’ve got a test to study that I almost forgot about!” A hand lifted to your forehead in stress before sliding down your cheek and your E/C orbs glanced around at the mess. “I’ve got so much to do! Not enough time. I’m going to fail. Oh my god, I’m going to fail!” “You’re not going to fail.” Gavin’s firm voice spoke through your thoughts. This wasn’t the first time he’s helped you through a mild anxiety attack regarding your studies. Stepping over some of your books and paperwork, you watched as he made his way over to you, lifting his leg slightly as he swung it behind him so he could straddle the couch behind you, so that you now sat in between his legs. “You were born to be a Nurse. I’ve seen how you’ve patched me up. Your gentle with your hands. It’s one of the things I fell in love with.” You leaned back, head tilting back and upwards to glance back up at him. “Just my hands? Not my heart or my beautiful face?” Gavin quietly chuckled, “And your sense of humor.” Speaking of hands, you suddenly felt his hands on your shoulders. You immediately let out a groan of satisfaction as his fingertips firmly pressed into the knots on your shoulder. Gavin was quiet as he began massaging your shoulders; giving you a small break from your workload, knowing he can at least offer something to help you. Judging by the roll of your head and the small mewls of pleasure coming from you, he must be doing a good job! It wasn’t often Gavin massages you. Mostly due to his own hectic workload, and quite often he came home exhausted. But when he does, oh his fingers are magic and immediately have you trapped under their spell. “I don’t know Gavin…” you started, biting your bottom lip before letting it go. “I’m worried I’m in over my head. My passion is to help people and there are other ways of doing that. This whole medical study is a little too hard.” There was certainly no mistaking the disappointment in your voice and Gavin stopped in his ministrations for a moment before picking up again. “Y’know…when I studied to become a police officer, I didn’t think I’d get through.” He quietly opened up to you a little. It’s not often he does, he’s just not a very open person and you learned that it was easier to let him come to you when he’s ready rather than you question for answers. “I was just some dumb punk kid. Couldn’t spell. Kept pickin’ fights, worried I was gonna end up on the wrong side of the law indefinitely. But, uh… here I am. Y’know? The physical stuff was easy. Loved it. But the academic stuff? The studying, the essays? Man, it felt like bullshit. My final exam… y’know, the one that really matters…? Thought I’d fucked it up completely. I studied as hard as I could but it felt like nothing… I left that exam room, ready to quit. Wanted to quit. Hell, I even almost tore up my acceptance letter. There was just no way in hell I was gonna make it. But I did. And you will too. Just keep going, Y/N. Don’t give up. The world needs you as a Nurse. I need you as a Nurse. Who else is gonna patch me up?” You let out a sigh as Gavin kept working the knots on your shoulders, and his firm voice slowly soothing your worries. To others who didn’t know Gavin, one would assume he was being a bit harsh or blunt with his speech, but you knew the tones of endearment that lay within the message he was trying to send. “Take a breather, Y/N.” Gavin suggested when you didn’t respond to his little spiel that came from the heart. He didn’t take offense to you not replying. He knew you tend let things process a little before taking on board what was said. “I can’t. I have so much to do.” You said as you leant sideways on his knee, a hand waving at the mess of papers and textbooks everywhere. “Your burnt out. You’re gonna get shit done tonight. You don’t think I’ve been where you are? You’re gonna just sit there and re-read the same question for the next three hours, trying to make sense of it. And you’re gonna write fuck all because your brain is tired.” His fingers had stopped massaging across your skin, but they had now begun to caress softly across your shoulders before dropping to your upper arms and giving them a squeeze of reassurance. He’s head coming to lean down and press against the side of yours as you both sat there for a moment in silence. You hadn’t argued against him so, to him, that meant you were likely contemplating what he was suggesting and would heed his advice in stopping for the night. His grey eyes spotted something in one of your text books and frowned, trying to make out what the fuck it was… “What’s that?” he asked, pointing to something that represented a certain type of sweet. “It’s a spleen.” “Looks like a jelly bean to me.” “Yeah, well it wouldn’t taste like one.” “How would you know? Have you ever tasted one before? Are you secretly a cannibal that I don’t know about? … ‘cause that’s kinda hot. Let’s do it!” Joking of course, he attacked your neck with kisses, making you smile and the small sound of laughter escaped. Gavin’s heart fluttered just a bit knowing he made you smile, even if it was just a small smile… “C’mon Y/N. Pack all this away. Start fresh tomorrow.” “Yes Detective.” You murmured, teasingly using his title which you did every now and then. It always earned a small sound of laughter from him. With a kiss to your temple, Gavin wiggled himself out of being trapped on the couch by your body, and left you to pack up your paperwork. He would have helped but he didn’t want to mess up any system you had going (working on case files at the Precinct, he knew what it was like to have a mess of papers spread out across the table but for it to also be an ‘organised mess’). You barely paid any mind to where Gavin was going, assuming he’d gone to take a shower or something. You focused on packing things away, feeling a little more at ease after Gavin was able to place your mind to rest. This is one of the things you adored so much about him; at first glance he looks like a gruff person you wouldn’t dare be friends with, but underneath all that… there’s a much sweeter side to him. It took him ages to show it, but you saw his potential, caught glimpses of it beneath his rough-boy exterior. Hence why you never gave up on him.

Everything in two neat piles, you carried both to the dining room table and set them there, ready to tackle tomorrow. For now, you needed to focus on cooking dinner because even though it’s been a long day for you, it’s been an even longer day for the poor Detective. And the last thing he needed to come home to was a stressed out girlfriend. “Hey, Gav? What do you want for dinner?” You called out from the kitchen, hand resting on the countertop with a finger idly tapping away in thought because you hadn’t prepared anything earlier. “Don’t worry about dinner” Gavin said as he rounded the corner into the kitchen, making you jump ten feet in the air. Again, making him chuckle at your reaction. “Ran you a bubble bath. Go relax. I’ll handle tonight.” Had your hand not been resting on the countertop, you would’ve fainted at the offer. All this time Gavin had prepared you a bubble bath while you were tidying up your papers, despite his own long-ass day. How the hell did you get so lucky to have him? How the hell did people not see that he was such a kind man beneath his rough exterior? “I… but what about dinner?” “I’ll order pizza. Now go. Water’s gettin’ cold.” You stared at him just a moment longer before the relief washed over your body and your shoulders sagged, hand sliding off the bench. “Sounds good.” You softly murmured before walking up to him and pressing a kiss against his cheek. You didn’t see it as you made your way to the bathroom, but Gavin had a stupid smile on his face. He may not show it in all the right ways, but he was head over heels for you. He fucking worshipped the ground you walked on. You were that softness he needed in the world of cruelty he was exposed to either by his job or his own damn actions. You soaked in the bath for a good long while – or until your stomach started growling loudly and ruined the mental aesthetic you had going on. The last thing you expected Gavin to do was run you a bath, much less a bubble bath. Just add it to one of the many things you loved about him. Like it was said, he doesn’t show his love or appreciation in normal ways. But the massage, the bubble bath, the taking over the evening’s plans so you can relax despite his own long and stressful day… those were the ways he shows he cares. It wasn’t long before you were snug in your pyjama’s and followed the scent of Pizza that sat on the coffee table, Gavin patiently waiting for you to join him before he began eating. You hated that he does that, he needs to eat. No need to wait for you. But then again, you adored that he had some gentlemanly values. Because, looking at him (or with your first impression of him), you thought he lacked them entirely. There was a bottle of water waiting for you too, as sweet as Gavin was to take everything into consideration, it made you feel even more guilty because he’s had a long day and you haven’t even asked about his day, or how he was going! You quietly sat down and took your half of the cardboard box that had your pizza on it. “Hey. You’re gonna make a great Nurse one day.” Glancing over to him, you saw the sincerity in his grey eyes. He 100% believed in you. No doubts. Your eyes quickly shifted to the kitchen table before glancing back at Gavin again. He’s right. You can do this. You’ll do it for him. A gentle smile spread across your face, blush lightly tinging your cheeks. “Thank you, Gavin. For everything.” “Hey, c’mon now. How many times have I come home late or pulled an all-nighter? It’s the least I could do. Besides. You got no idea how hot you’re gonna look in your uniform.” “They’ll be scrubs Gavin. Not the 1950s get-up.” “Still gonna look hot babe. And ‘m still gonna rip ‘em off you.” You chuckled softly at the underlining compliment before moving a little closer to him on the couch, resting against his arm. To which he moved it slightly so you could rest in the crook of his side while you ate. “I mean it Y/N. You’re gonna be great and I’m so proud of you.”  

[abundantchewtoys]

HS Epi: Meat p12 reaction

Back to Earth C presumably.

I gotta say, I'm curious to find out the final page count of Meat. The way we liveblog, the experience is stretched out, so with theories surfacing and such, we might be caught off guard when things are really over. There's only so far that things will be taken, though I guess we're still in for those "original Male/Female characters", I guess. :P That shouldn't refer to the new Reload timeline John created, I think, with copies of all the people mentioned in the rest of the character list. So, uh, yeah, guess the reason Arquiusprite wasn't mentioned in there was because he remained unseen, voided out if you will. And I guess we shouldn't expect an alternate Equius to have a talking role, either?

---

==>

Well! Talk about jumping straight into the action, this page opens with a dialoguelog! Back to Dave, Karkat and if my eyes didn't deceive me, we'll get some lines for Jade, too! Supportive Jade will be supportive.

"hit jane right in her neoliberal austerity measures" ... Hah. Well, I didn't think that would get referenced again at all, but it seems after all these years since John's 18th birthday Dave still has issues with the ol' N.A.M. So, Jane's a neoliberal AND a fascist now, Dave? Is that... even feasible?

"DAVE: now shes gonna spin some shit about supply side economics but we cant let her control the narrative on that one cause the first thing thats gonna happen once she begins deregulating the baking industry is that some sweet dumb crocodile down in consort land is gonna start putting sparkle glue in the cupcake mix which isnt even the real issue thats just surface issues KARKAT: RIGHT. JADE: definitely" ... Like, Dave I admire you're getting so into this, but you realize they aren't following, right? Also, why would Jane want to deregulate the baking industry if she's the leader of the foremost power in said industry, as well as running for president? Plus, Jane can't control the narrative because Caliborn is already controlling it! :mspa:

"DAVE: i mean earth c has just been play acting capitalism the last five thousand years while we timeskipped ahead to live rad lives as gods without bothering with any of the boring shit that goes into making a civilization DAVE: which is fine i mean you cant really expect a bunch of teens who didnt finish middle school to set up a sustainable form of social democracy that isnt just blatantly ripped off whatever we incorrectly thought obama god rest his soul was doing back in the day" ... Gee, Dave's given this a real lot of thought. Props to him, but I hope that aside from becoming 'an activist' he's also got some legitimite action points to improve Earth C's situation.

Guess Sburb really does a number on players, huh? "Congrats, you won, you're all gods now, and also, here's this whole civilization on the brink of collapse, have fun with that. Don't mess this up, I need those people to start the apocalypse in say, 2000 years, k thx bye." (The fact that this civilization, being outside of the Green Sun's influence, may never implement Sburb, is a bit besides the point since I think the trolls would have had the same issue tossed onto them had they actually gone through the victory door.)

Right, but the trolls had their home planet already effectively run by children, I wonder if that will come again? Even though they had carpenter droids at their disposal to run some things for them, they might actually be a bit more self-reliant than the humans!

"DAVE: but janes got this old school mentality you just know she wants to restrict grist alchemy for the sake of “growth” and when that goes down itll take three seconds flat for some nobody in new dersetown to drop the earth c communist manifesto" ... New Dersetown, I like the ring of that. Would call it New Dersey for short, though. :P Again, valid points there, Dave! If any revolt started, it doesn't have to be in the troll community, it could just as much be an angry carapace uprising! They're only docile if there's no one to rally behind.

Blaperile has this idea that the new society in a universe is not supposed to be seeded with the remains of the session nor the universe that came before it. That's actually a valid point; the only reason this society got kickstarted was through the cloning apparatus that was on the meteor! The consorts and carapaces seem like they would be able to reproduce biologically though, so I'm not sure how Sburb normally ensures the planet is a clean slate for a new species to emerge. ... Okay, so the planet itself doesn't really need to be the place where a new Sburb-playing species rises, true. There's a whole new universe out there.

Maybe through "importing" old Sburb technology, the "alpha" planet designation went to Earth C automatically, though.

Or maybe First Guardians are expected to 'cleanse' the planet from outside influence normally, but since this society's outside of the Green Sun's influence, that ain't happening. And Jade won't be going Thanos on Earth C.

"KARKAT: OH YEAH. JADE: of course DAVE: are you two even listening or are you just making noises with your mouths" Dave realizing he's monologuing? What character development is this. :O

"KARKAT: I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M BEING ACCUSED BY DAVE STRIDER, REIGNING EMPEROR OF SPEWING ENDLESS VERBAL DIARRHEA DIRECTLY INTO MY INNOCENT HEAR DUCTS EVERY DAY OF MY FUCKING LIFE, OF MAKING THOUGHTLESS MOUTH NOISES. KARKAT: JADE, ARE YOU HEARING THIS? JADE: im scandalized JADE: especially when JADE: there are much better things we could all be doing with our mouths....." ... Jade, your animes are showing again. ... I think that maybe Jade doesn't want this relation to be going where Dave and Karkat want it to go.

"It’s been a really nice day they’ve been having, and then Jade had to go say something like that. The air in the hive changes in a way that is palpable, in a way that she can’t seem to accurately gauge despite having both superhuman and superdog senses." ... Ah. So I guess maybe Jade just can't get a lid on some of her more... canine inclinations, at time. Welp!

"Elements of her outfit resemble her god tier jammies: peasant skirt, sparkly flats, and a bold choice in striped tights." Nice! That's only the third person who created an outfit based on her god tier outfit that we know, aside from Meenah and Rose.

"the couch where she crashed last night, and the night before that, and the better part of the seven years before that." It would seem Jade has the wanderlust then, she's more like the vagrant dog that comes visiting from time to time? More GCAT in demeanor than Becquerel, in practice. Heheh. Good for her, after being isolated on an island and then a battleship for so long, she's finally going out & seeing things!

"There are other personal effects of hers in the living room too: plants on the windowstill, her bass guitar sitting in a corner" Cool, so when she comes over, she typically lounges here then. Guess the flute never made it over, though. :p

"a horrific-looking periodic table that Dave made her for her seventeenth birthday pinned above the stairwell. He typed it in Comic Sans, and then deep-fried it to oblivion with JPEG artifacts." ... Next up, on For Fans By Fans...

"And Dave, with his preternaturally perfect timing, sweeps a hand over his tablet to bring up a new PowerPoint slide on the TV. He returns to his Comic Sans-written political presentation, gruesome artifacts and all" Dave, Dave that isn't professional at all!

", with the grace and proficiency of a man who has diffused an awkward situation in his own household many times per day, every day, for many years." Well, okay, that is really mature. But when Dave is the adult in a situation, the situation is very awkward per definition.

"DAVE: alternia: brutal eugenics based space dictatorship KARKAT: NOT UNTRUE." Succinct, brutal, but not dishonest.

"DAVE: troll homeworld: lord of the flies nightmare scenario where kids murder each other just to get the chance to get to grow up and murder other aliens instead KARKAT: IT WASN’T THAT BAD." Karkat. Karkat that isn't a valid rebuke.

"KARKAT: YOU MADE THAT LAST ONE UP. KARKAT: ALSO, IT WAS DISGUSTING?? KARKAT: GROW THE FUCK UP, YOU UTTERLY CONTEMPTIBLE, POTTY MOUTHED *CUNT*." ... The irony is stark.

"JADE: also you know trolls dont actually have two dicks dave thats an offensive stereotype" Are we really doing troll anatomy? Well, I guess it's good to know that the fan theory about Sollux at least isn't applicable to the entire species.

"DAVE: trolls: literally ate babies KARKAT: ONLY THE DEFECTIVE ONES. DAVE: like you my dude KARKAT: ...YEAH. DAVE: so thats why our campaign can work" Yeah, Karkat ate grubs, though they weren't troll babies. Also, yeah, Karkat was a mutant, but I wonder if that would really help his case here.

"DAVE: btw im gonna be giving a long form exam at the end of this to make sure youre retaining info because this is only like the most important thing weve ever done collectively" Well he ain't wrong.

"KARKAT: ARE YOU ASKING ME WHETHER I’VE HEARD THIS EXACT SPEECH ALMOST WORD FOR WORD, INCLUDING REHEARSED VERSIONS OF BOTH THE COLORFUL METAPHORS AND “JOKES,” TEN OR TWENTY TIMES ALREADY? KARKAT: BECAUSE THE ANSWER WOULD BE KARKAT: YES, OF COURSE I FUCKING HAVE." Poor, poor Karkat.

"Karkat elbows Dave in the thigh, a move that is obviously meant to be an action of pure, brotherly jest. But instead it comes off as affectionate and overly intimate. Jade’s clever eyes don’t miss this. Her pupils follow the motion of Karkat’s arm, and then they follow the movement of Dave’s mouth as he smiles in what he probably thinks is a totally neutral expression that reveals exactly 0% of his true feelings toward Karkat Vantas. In reality, his veneer is as thin and transparent as cellophane. He is the only person who can’t see through it.

Jade does some calculations in her head. Two kinds of calculations, in fact: mathematical ones and personal ones." So, is Jade reading too much into their relationship, or are the dudes just... Both too shy?

"JADE: soooooo JADE: do you want a projection of her first years hit on the economy down to the decimal with a 0.3% margin of error JADE: because thats a thing i can do if itll make you stop talking about this stupid election for ten minutes" I didn't know that were First Guardian powers! :p I suppose it might be her natural intellect though, but we've only known her as the hands-on science type until now.

"She proceeds to dazzle the two boys with explications on complex math utilizing taxation rates, GDP figures, and some damned thing called the “Laffer curve,”" Dang, Jade is as much committed to this as Dave! (Or maybe she learned all this because it means so much to him, that could be it too!)

"The thing about Jade Harley is that she’s not as good at personal things as she is at other things. Like science, or mastering fraymotifs, or kissing, the last of which she has definitely put a lot of levels into over the past few years because, well, what else are you supposed to do with immortal godhood once you hit the age where the dog hormones start kicking into overdrive?" Guess for dogs, kissing isn't that personal. :p And well, I guess Jade's only now learning the real consequences of turning into a real-life furry. At least she won't have had lack of candidates to practice kissing with. She might even have become the Witch of Spacing Out Young Adults.

"Her high-prescription lenses make her eyes look anime-huge. They might literally be glittering, she’s so completely serious about the issue she is trying to stress." And the fan artists rejoiced for all the new descriptions they have to work with!

" JADE: im about to lay out some cold hard evidence so pay attention! KARKAT: OH, HANG ON, LET ME GET A PEN." You can't live together with Dave for years without learning when it's time to start taking notes and grab a fucking pen.

"JADE: evidence about..... JADE: our relationship! KARKAT: FUCK" Pfff, okay, never mind. I think Jade might have hit a wall several times over before, trying to either define their relationship or take it to the next level. These dudes are really sensitive about their feelings, after all.

But it would be interesting, learning Jade wants to know where they stand just as much as the outside world does.

"JADE: you let me live in your hive when im in town KARKAT: I CAN’T BELIEVE... JADE: im preeeetty intimately entwined in both your lives KARKAT: THAT YOU’RE JUST TALKING ABOUT THIS? JADE: AND you dont disengage from about 86.234% of my flirtations KARKAT: WAIT, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU KEEP TRACK OF SOMETHING LIKE THAT? JADE: so....... are we doing this or not?" So, just like with taking on Lord English and acknowledging the lit fuse that is Earth C society, I guess the coming around of April 13th 2019 is when Jade had enough of all this silly business and wants to know what's what. (Also, I suppose the level of intimacy they shared on beforehand will be left to speculation.)

"KARKAT: DOING WHAT?! JADE: dating dummy!!!!!!!! KARKAT: OH. KARKAT: THAT IS KARKAT: THAT IS... A COMPLICATED TOPIC IN MY CULTURE THAT I’M NOT SURE HUMANS ARE EQUIPPED TO TALK ABOUT." Smooth, Karkat, real smooth. Maybe Karkat fears commitment will lead to some of their relationships shifting into other quadrants. And he wouldn't like to be moirails or auspistices with either of them.

"DAVE: also totally unrelated to the economy" ... Nice try Dave, but I think this can't be steered back into that track.

"DAVE: which not gonna lie is the only thing i want to talk about for uh DAVE: for however long it takes for this other conversation to stop happening JADE: so say no!!! DAVE: well KARKAT: UHHHHH JADE: im not just forcing this conversation for my sake! its for you two as well JADE: i mean after all this time have you two even kissed yet?????? DAVE: wha" I think Dave and Karkat might actually have been both content to stay uncommitted and fearful to put a label on it. Also Jade's question will presumably remain unanswered, it's already surprising it's confirmed she hasn't seen them kissing. And that is ignoring the matter of whether either Dave or Karkat kissed Jade before. I guess it's only fortunate for this situation that this instance of Jade never dated Davesprite, it would only complicate things further.

"DAVE: wha KARKAT: WH-WHY WOULD DAVE: uhh KARKAT: WHY WOULD WE KISS?? DAVE: thats KARKAT: THAT’S... YOU... I MEAN, HE’S... HE’S DAVE. DAVE: we KARKAT: AND I’M KARKAT." PFffffffff, hilarious! I can just see them blushing like tomatoes right now. Can't keep staying in denial bros!

"JADE: yes hes dave and youre karkat and everyone we know always calls you that JADE: “dave and karkat”" Hah! Yeah, but they also think you're part of the item, Jade. Care to shed some thoughts on the subject?

"JADE: i cant remember the last time i heard anyone mention one of you without the other JADE: the two of you have basically been together since your days on the meteor its SO obvious" Jade has turned this from a personal matter into a fandom matter. "Everyone and their dog knows you're dating, guys! Stop pretending otherwise!" It's interesting to note the different ways Dave has been seen handling relationships. When he dated Terezi in the GO timeline, it went south due her troubles in the black quadrant. When Davesprite dated Jade, it went south due to unresolved Dave issues, presumably having to do with his bros. With Karkat, Dave's been in a stable-ish thing for the longest time, though.

" KARKAT: VERY CLOSE FRIENDS WHO UNDERSTAND AND SUPPORT EACH OTHER ON A DEEP AND EMPATHETIC LEVEL THAT GOES BEYOND HATE OR PITY. YOU COULD EVEN SAY THAT OUR RELATIONSHIP... KARKAT: ...TRANSCENDS QUADRANTS." ... PFfffffff, so this could have been what it was like for the Sufferer and the Disciple, then! They were just never ready to commit? That would actually be funnier than it being this deep and fulfilling relationship. It would also make Doc Scratch' misgivings on the relationship even more hilarious.

"JADE: yeaaaaaah not gonna lie karkat but that sounds totally kinda gay KARKAT: UGH YOU HUMANS AND YOUR UNFATHOMABLE GENDER BASED QUADRANTS." ... Heh. Actually. Too trolls, the whole gender-based romance thing we have going must indeed be as unfathomable as leprechaun romance.

"Jade faceplams." Well that's a new verb. ;) What part of the body is the 'plam', exactly?

" KARKAT: ANYWAY WEREN’T YOU... DATING THAT CARAPACIAN COUPLE? LAST TIME WE CHECKED?" Lolwut. Jade. Jade are you... are you being a Ms. Casanova, a paramour or two in every city you frequent? If WV and PM turn out to be alive for the sole purpose of dating Jade, I'll choke on my drink.

" DAVE: wait you saying we arent fun JADE: whens the last time either of you left the house??????" I know Jade means it as in, she'd like to date them for keeps. But I also fulheartedly believe Dave and Karkat can sustain themselves on delivery pizza and chinese chow.

"In her other hand, she tries to grab Dave’s wrist, but he flash-steps to the other side of the couch." Well that's a new use of the power, guess Dave must really have felt alarmed. :p

"JADE: i wanna try dating for real KARKAT: HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED KARKAT: SORRY IF WHAT I’M ABOUT TO SAY TOTALLY BLOWS YOUR MIND KARKAT: DATING A SINGLE PERSON, FOR MORE THAN HALF A SWEEP, FOR REASONS OTHER THAN INITIATING THE CONCUPISCENT EXCHANGE OF FLUIDS?" Karkat is trying to throw the issue back into Jade's face by saying she should try dating for a longer period of time. But that's exactly what she's trying to do here! She knows who she wants that with! That poor little troll, he's not getting out from under this.

"JADE: third of all karkat arent you from a culture where people are expected to engage in romantic relationships with up to like five people at a time?? KARKAT: THAT’S NOT KARKAT: THAT’S NOT THE SAME THING AT ALL." If he's trying to avoid getting dragged into quadrants with people, he should stop upholding the validity of the quadrants to hold people off. :p

"DAVE: ok jade i think theres a flaw in your approach here cause you seem to think winning an argument on super clever logical grounds is gonna get a couple dudes to break down and fling themselves at you in like, a sexual way JADE: wellll it usually does ;B DAVE: oh my fucking god" So she swoons people by way of her big brain. Jade's got CLASS.

"This earns Dave a look. A long, sad one that has Jade messing with her glasses again so that she can peer right at him and apply some more of that faulty personal math to his facial expression." Just confirmation here that Jade isn't necessarily correct in all her assessments due to not being objective.

"JADE: dave are you in love with obama? DAVE: jade jesus where do you get this shit from JADE: is it about jesus then??????" Aaaaaand this has been derailed again.

"DAVE: no! DAVE: jesus wasnt even real JADE: i know he wasnt real! JADE: wait... JADE: are you saying JADE: obama was real? DAVE: ... DAVE: yes" Wut. Wai- I- Jade. Honey. Please. Guess for all her involvement in politics since, those isolated years on the island sheltered her WAY too much.

"DAVE: obama was real DAVE: he was the president KARKAT: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA JADE: all this time i thought obama was like JADE: an aspirational fictional character that you modeled your life after KARKAT: AHAHAHAHA I CAN’T AHAHA BREATHE... JADE: like snoop dog or nicolas cage" ... Jade. Jade no. You're just making this worse on yourself. For Jade, there would have been almost nothing in Homestuck she'd have seen as a reference to 'real life', would there?

"senary numeral systems that allow me to do complex equations in my head" ... Why is Base 6 good for complex equations? I'm probably not good enough at math to know.

"KARKAT: WHY IS IT LIKE SOME SORT OF *TRAGEDY* HOW SHE WAS RAISED? KARKAT: BECAUSE SHE WAS RAISED ALONE BY AN ANIMAL?? KARKAT: *I* WAS RAISED ALONE BY AN ANIMAL!" There! It's getting acknowledged again, how Jade's upbringing more resembles a troll than a human's! Becquerel the lusus.

"There’s a ripple in the room that makes it clear their god tier powers have just clashed against each other. He shifts his arm through time and Jade warps the space around them so that she’s the one holding the tablet. This is not the first time that they have rearranged the fabric of reality for a petty reason like this. Karkat has permanently sworn off playing board games with them." ... Lol. First real use of the god tier powers in Earth C, and it goes like this! Wait, couldn't Jade have snapped... Right, no, she actually wouldn't have First Guardian powers anymore now, I forgot. Still, what did Dave try to do, move the tablet to another point in the timeline?

"The moment Jade brings the paint program up on the television, Karkat stops laughing. KARKAT: NO!" Oh boy. Time for the Penis Quadrant scene, this time with three people. ... This would actually fall under both definitions of a "sketch", actually.

"He tries to grab the tablet from her, but she’s hovering well above the ground and he simply is not tall enough to reach. With a shit-eating grin and deliberate care, Jade begins to draw a grid." He's going to jump up to grab her leg, to disturb the drawing, isn't he?

"She gives Karkat a pair of fuzzy, angry eyebrows" Now I'm starting to think of the Karkat expressions in that one Paradox Space.

"all he accomplishes is turning the redrom trajectory between her and Dave into a redrom loop-de-loop." This is all I could want from a reprise of this scene.

"JADE: see me and karkat have great black chemistry! KARKAT: IT IS NOT BLACK CHEMISTRY YOU HORRID NON-CHITINOUS WINDBAG!" A+ denial there, Karkat, props on the response.

"JADE: and now that daves all chill hed make a great auspistice" Jade just wants all Karkat's quadrants filled by the three of them, somehow.

"JADE: because you and karkat are kind of like moirails DAVE: no JADE: and you and i JADE: well yknow its always been pretty flirty DAVE: jade JADE: EXCEPT!

Jade finishes drawing a shaky heart directly into the paint program. It’s so big and bright on the TV that it fills the entire room with red light." She's putting all these names and symbols to the relationship, it might just be too much for these poor boys to handle. :p

"JADE: i call this political arrangement: JADE: fully automated luxury polyamorous space-time communism!!!!!!!" That is not the shipping name I would've chosen, but it's the shipping name we deserve. And hey, communism! Get it? Cause Karkat had a sickle.

I wonder what Karkat's take on polyamory outside of the ashen quadrant is, actually.

"Jade rolls her eyes and tosses both the tablet and pen over her shoulder. Dave flashes across the living room to catch his very expensive computing device in both arms. The pen bounces off his forehead." This. Entire. Scene.

"JADE: i have to go talk to roxy and callie about the election anyway" Well, she's going to let them stew on this for a while. But I'm eager to find out who Roxy & Calliope would back. You might think Jane's a given, but if she's been busy maybe they have grown closer to Jade & Dave!

"Jade clicks her heels together to propel herself back into the air and actually winks at them before absconding through an open window." Think happy thoughts! Also, I just realized becoming a god sadly never gave Karkat the powers of flight.

"Dave and Karkat both stare after her, silently caught in their own private rationalization spirals.

Karkat needs to verbalize part of his out loud." Ah, but can they stay in that spiral or will they have no choice but to break out of it?

"KARKAT: WANNA PLAY SOME TROLL TONY HAWK? DAVE: hell DAVE: yeah" Yyyyyeaah, they are not going to have changed when Jade comes back, will they?

So even Karkat calls it "Troll Tony Hawk", not whatever absurdly wrong name it'd have on Alternia, and not whatever Tony Hawk's duodecimal name in Alternian would be. :P

[im-writing-out-of-time]

Baby Steps- Chapter 1

This is part one of who-the-fuck-knows-how-many parts. The original request came from forever ago and its in my @im-still-writing-out-of-time inbox and I’m too lazy to go find it but the basis of it was ‘Hamliza, living in a studio apartment, struggling, Eliza finds out she’s pregnant.’ So enjoy. 

Warnings: I don’t really think there are trigger warnings, but sex is mentioned, obviously, and it goes through an ob/gyn appointment in pretty decent detail. But it also talks about how to properly give yourself a breast exam, so you probably shouldn’t skip it. 

Masterlist

Alexander sat at the desk, his head in his hands. “Eliza, I don’t know how we’re gonna make it this month. I really don’t.”

He was surrounded by a pile of papers- bills, receipts, the “things that need fixing” list, his works in progress that no one wanted.

Eliza walked to him and leaned down, wrapping her arms around his neck. “We’ll make it, Alexander. We always do.” She brushed a light kiss against his cheek before grabbing his hands and pulling him to a stand. “Come. You need a shower or something to relax.”

“Eliza-”

“Come, Alexander. You need to relax.” She pulled him to the tiny bathroom just down the hall.  It was just big enough for a full size shower/tub combination, a sink, and a toilet. There was no room to move around in, but they made it work. She pushed him in the bathroom and walked back down the hall to grab a couple of washcloths and towels.

Eliza looked at the box of pads in the cupboard and frowned. How long had it been since…? Three months? It had been at least three months since she got her last period. Eliza walked back to the bathroom where Alexander was filling the tub in his boxers.

“Hey, I found this bath bomb under the sink. Wanna use it?” It had been a gift from her sisters from their wedding. There was an entire box of them under her bed, but she always kept one under the bathroom sink for easy access.

“Sure,” she smiled. “I figured you would have chosen to take a shower instead.”

“Why? Do you want to shower instead?”

“No.” She smiled softly. “You just surprised me. Usually you jump for quickest and most efficient.” She leaned down to where he was squatting by the tub and rubbed his shoulders. “You’re always so tense,” she whispered.

“I know, Betsey. I’m sorry. I just don’t know how we’re gonna make it through this month. Once we pay bills and insurance and everything, we’ll barely have enough for groceries if we get the bare minimum. I just-” His voice broke. “I don’t know how we’ll do it.”

Eliza knew better than suggesting borrowing money from her father- her father would refuse any money in return, but Alexander was too proud for a handout. The last time she had suggested it, they had a huge fight that ended with Alexander running out and spending the night at Hercules’s house.

“Just like we always do. Someone will buy your writings, darling. They will. Just like someone will pay for my commissions eventually. We just have to be patient.” Eliza stood back up and peeled off her clothes, climbing in the tub beside Alexander as he turned off the water. She grabbed the bath bomb from beside the tub and lowered it into the water slowly. She was sitting on Alexander’s lap, leaning back on his shoulder as the bath bomb turned the water a glittering gold.

“This bath bomb looks so pretentious.”

“Oh just shut up and enjoy it,” Eliza teased, turning her head to meet Alexander’s cheek. Her head was spinning with the thoughts of three missed periods. It had to just be stress. That was probably it. Right?

“I can hear you thinking,” Alexander whispered against her ear as his hands swirled through the glittering water. “What’s going on in that pretty little mind of yours?”

“Just thinking,” she sighed. Alexander was stressed enough. She didn’t need to inform him of something that was only a possibility at this point. Especially since a baby on top of everything else would only stress him more. “I’m thinking about inviting Angelica and Peggy over one of these days. What do you think about going to visit the guys for a while?”

“Today maybe? You’re right. I gotta take a break or I’m gonna fucking snap. I’ll text the guys and you can call the girls or something?”

“Mmm,” Eliza hummed, leaning back against Alexander. “Maybe. I’ll have to see what they’re doing today. But for now,” she paused. “For now we relax and cuddle.” Eliza couldn’t believe her luck. She hadn’t been expecting Alexander to agree so easily. “I bet they’ll be up for a girls day.”

The couple sat in comfortable silence until Eliza sat up slowly. “What’s wrong Betsey?”

“Nothing. Lemme wash your hair.” They shifted awkwardly in the tub until Eliza was sitting behind Alexander. She lathered up the shampoo between her hands and began to massage it through Alexander’s hair. The sudsy bubbles began to run down the side of his face and Eliza’s hands moved to scoop the suds back behind his hairline.

“Thank you ‘Liza,” he whispered as she began using the bath water to rinse his hair.

“You’re welcome. Now hand me the conditioner, glitter hair,” she teased, reaching her hand out for the green bottle. She spread the conditioner through his hair and tied it in a bun to the top of his head. “Do you ever condition your hair?”

“Do I really need to?” He scoffed.

“Well you don’t need to. But it makes your hair softer.”

Eliza stretched out her legs and wrapped them around Alexander’s waist. He leaned back on her chest, and she winced in pain. When the fuck did her breasts start hurting?

She lifted her arms and pulled the hair tie out of Alexander’s dark waves, before she grabbed the cup from the floor beside the tub and rinsed the conditioner from his hair. The glitter sparkled throughout his thick wavy locks and water ran down his back, soap and golden glitter dancing around on his skin.

“You’re so good to me, Betsey, you know that?” Alexander awkwardly shuffled his body so he was facing Eliza, staring into her dark eyes. He leaned back and pulled the plug from the water, pausing to set the plug on the lip of the tub. “I mean it. You left a life of luxury for me, and now we’re barely making it, barely scraping by each month, and yet you stay. You stay with me through thick and thin, and I couldn’t ask for a better wife than you. I love you, Eliza, with every fiber of my being.” His eyes had started to well with tears. “I’m so glad you’re mine.”

“Someone’s emotional today,” Eliza teased, leaning in to kiss Alexander. Their lips met in the middle, in a slow, sweet, passionate kiss. “I love you too, Alexander. No matter what happens, I’ll always love you.”

Alexander stood up and squeezed the excess water from his hair. “Do I have to leave covered in glitter like this? The guys will never let me live it down.”

Eliza pouted as she stood up. “I think you look fine. I like it.”

Alexander grumbled and rolled his eyes, smirking as he grabbed the towel from the counter and dried off. “Why’d you get washcloths if we didn’t even use them?”

Eliza shrugged as she sat back down in the tub, swirling the water around in her hands. “I thought we might so I grabbed them in case.”

Alexander nodded and walked out of the room to get dressed. Eliza’s hands pushed the glitter around the tub until Alexander walked back in, fully dressed. “I texted the guys and we’re gonna go hang out at John’s. Are you gonna be okay alone until the girls get here?”

“I’m a big girl, Alexander,” she teased. “I’ll be fine.”

“Well, I ask because I care. And because I worry about you sometimes,” he smiled back sweetly. “I love you.”

“I love you too Alex. Now go have fun with the guys.”

He rushed in the bathroom and pressed a kiss to her cheek. “I’ll try babe. You too.”

She smiled until she heard the front door slam shut. The smile immediately fell from her face and she lunged from the tub, wrapping a towel around her. She paced around with her phone in her hand, terrified to call her sisters. She jumped, dropping the phone as it rang in her hand, her sister’s face showing up.

“Hi!” She squeaked, still surprised. “I was just about to call you.”

Angelica had FaceTimed her. Her sister’s face was shining at her through the screen, a smile adorning her features. “Great minds think alike, Eliza, you know that. So what’s going on? You look stressed.”

Eliza smiled sadly at her sister as she sat on her bed, towel still wrapped around her. “Just another month of I-don’t-know-if-we’re-gonna-make-it. Plus it was just brought to my attention by the full box of pads in the cupboard that I’ve missed three periods and I have to take a pregnancy test, and if it comes out positive what am I going to do Angelica? Alexander won’t let me get money from daddy to tide us over, what would we do with a baby? I can’t tell him, but I needed someone to talk to. Do you think you and Peggy could come over?”

Angelica’s eyes fill with pity. “Oh, Eliza. I didn’t know it was that bad. You know I’m willing to help you guys out if you need it.”

“I know Ange. But Alexander is too proud. Could you pick me up a test from the store on the way over? Please?”

“Yeah, of course. I’ll grab Peggy and fill her in and we’ll be right over. I love you E. We’ll see you in a bit.”

“I love you too, Ange,” she said as her sister kissed at the screen. She blew a kiss back and the screen went blank as Angelica hung up.

Eliza set the phone on the bed and walked to the dresser, shucking the towel to the floor. She pulled on a pair of underwear and slipped a t-shirt on over her head. She looked down at her stomach; was it really a little rounder than usual or was she just bloating? Maybe she was just imagining it because she was worried. Yeah. That was it.  

A knock sounded through the apartment and her head bolted up. She padded barefoot through the apartment and looked through the peephole in the door. She opened the door wide, her sister’s arms opening to embrace her. She rushed into them immediately and buried her head in Angelica’s shoulder.

“What am I gonna do, Ange?” She whispered, tears welling in her eyes.

Angelica stepped back, holding her sister by the shoulders at arms length. “You’re going to take the tests before you get all worked up, okay? If you’re not pregnant, there’s no need to worry.”

“But what if I am?”

Peggy reached forward and wiped the tears from Eliza’s cheeks. “Then you’ve got us by your side. We’re always here for you, ‘Liza. You know that.”

Eliza stepped back and wiped at the residual tears on her face and nodded. She grabbed the grocery bag that Peggy held out to her and stared at it for a moment. “What do I do?”

“You pee on them, Eliza,” Peggy said slowly.

Eliza sniffled and laughed. “I know that, dummy!” She said. “But I don’t have to pee.”

“Just go try. Maybe pee in a cup and try it like that? Do you have an old medicine cup or something?”

“I’ll just grab a cup from the cupboard,” Eliza said. “It’s not like we don’t use hot water to clean them. It’ll be fine.” She grabbed a small glass and disappeared into the bathroom while her sisters took post on the living room couch.

“Wanna place bets?” Peggy asked, nudging the eldest sister.

“Peggy,” she whisper-yelled. “We can’t place bets on our own sister.”

“I bet she’s pregnant. And if she is, I bet it’s a boy.”

“Ten bucks for each bet, twenty total,” Angelica said, shaking on it. “But we don’t tell Eliza.”

“Tell Eliza what?” Eliza questioned as she walked up behind them.

“Well Eliza, obviously we weren’t going to tell you. Why would we now?” Peggy grinned.

Eliza plopped down on the couch between them. “You guys suck,” she said. “The tests are started and the timer is running. Countdown has two and a half minutes left.” She clicked her phone off and set it on her lap. Eliza’s leg was bouncing in anticipation, anxious to know the answer of the tests. Her sisters were talking over her body, but she wasn’t listening. She was waiting for the buzz of her phone, the little ding signaling the end of the three minutes.

The second the alarm sounded, she shot out of her seat and ran to the bathroom, her bare feet slapping against the floor. Her hand was surprisingly stable as she held the first white stick in her hand. Positive. She glanced at the other two and saw the results; two parallel lines on each. She smiled at the results, knowing she was secretly pleased. She collected all three tests and walked to the living room.

“So what’s the results, ‘Liza?”

“Aunt Ange and Aunt Peggy,” she said, holding up a single test.

Both women screamed and launched themselves off the couch, tackling their sister in a hug.

“Oh my god, really?” Squealed Angelica.

“Yeah,” she breathed, still in disbelief. “Yeah, really.” Her arms wrapped back around her sisters, the tests held tight in her fist. “What am I going to do now?”

“We can bring you to the doctor and see if they can fit you in for an appointment.”

“Yeah, we can try. Should I call first?”

“I mean, if you want to. I would just walk in though,” shrugged Peggy.

“Okay,” said Eliza. “Let me go put on some pants first and then we’ll head out.” She moved back to her bedroom, the wheels in her head reeling as she pulled on a pair of jeans. Now that she was paying attention to it, they did fit a bit different than they had when she bought them. They weren’t tight yet, but they curved lower on her abdomen than they usually did. She yanked the hem of her t-shirt back down and slipped on a pair of flats from under the bed.

She grabbed her purse from the counter and slipped the pregnancy tests in before running to the bathroom and grabbing the unused box and hiding that in her purse as well. Angelica and Peggy were waiting by the door, keys in hand, watching Eliza bustle around the small apartment. She ripped a sheet of paper out of a random notebook and scribbled on it, leaving it next to the door- a note for Alexander presumably.

“I’m ready,” she said, grabbing her keys from the hook. The girls locked arms and walked down the hall to the tiny stairwell. They unlocked arms to snake down the stairs and immediately locked them once more as they walked to the car.

Peggy lunged towards the back of the car, releasing Eliza’s arm. “Dibs on the back seat.”

Eliza laughed at her sister’s antics. “I’m pretty sure you’re the only one who actually wants the back seat.”

“I can lay down back here,” she grinned, spreading herself across the seat, tucking a blanket under her head. “Angelica, I don’t know why you have a blanket back here but thanks. It makes an awesome pillow.”  

Angelica chuckled slightly, a devious smirk spreading over her face. “No problem, Pegs.” Her sister didn’t need to know that her and John have sex on that blanket during their picnics. “Glad I could help you out.”

The drive to the OB/gyn office was nearly silent, the only noise coming from Angelica, humming as she drive through town. She pulled in and put the car in gear, turning to look her sister in the eyes. “Do you want us to go in with you?”

“I think I can do it,” she said. “But I’ll call you if I need you, okay?”

She exited the car and moved towards the office doors. Her heart was pounding in her chest and she shivered as the air conditioner brushed over her bare skin. Goosebumps raised on her arms as she stood behind the glass window for the receptionists’ desk.

The woman slid open the window and smiled at her. “Hello, who is your appointment with today?”

“Um, actually, I don’t have an appointment but I was wondering if I could schedule one, or if there was any chance I could be squeezed in today.”

The woman glanced at her computer screen, her fingers clacking against the keyboard. She clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth as she searched through the schedule. “I have an open appointment in an hour, but if you wait here, she might be able to fit you in here earlier than that.”

“That sounds good. Thank you.”

“Okay, name?”

“Elizabeth Hamilton.” Eliza went through the list and answered all the woman’s questions. Date of birth, address, insurance, phone numbers… reason for today’s visit. That was a little awkward to explain to the receptionist, especially with the glances to her apparently obvious rounded figure. Was it that obvious to everyone else? Were her and Alexander just completely ignorant?

“Alright, Mrs Hamilton, the doctor will be with you as soon as possible. Thank you for waiting.”  

Eliza smiled kindly at the receptionist and pulled out her phone to text her sisters to keep them updated. The small tv attached to the ceiling was showing the news. A woman on the other side of the waiting room had a car seat at her feet, a yellow blanket protruding slightly. Eliza was staring, trying to catch a glimpse of the baby. The car seat turned towards her and she blushed, knowing she was caught. “Sorry,” she said.

“No, it’s okay. You can come closer.” Eliza moved over a few seats over to get a good look at the baby.

“He’s beautiful,” she murmured.

“Thank you,” the woman smiled. “I think so too.” There was a comfortable silence as both women stared at the sleeping infant. “How far along are you?”

“I don’t know,” Eliza admitted. “Life has been so stressful lately that I didn’t even realize I was at least three months late until earlier this morning. So at least that long. It was sometime just before my sister’s wedding.”

“So you haven’t had many symptoms then?”

“No, I guess not. The ones I have had I just wrote off as something else I guess. But this morning, my husband was stressing over financial issues and I forced him to take a bath. That’s when I noticed the full pad box in the cupboard. Then I noticed my breasts hurt, and then I realized I’ve been extra tired lately. But I’ve only thrown up a few times these last few months and Alexander had been throwing up too, so I assumed it was food poisoning.”

The woman chuckled slightly. “Damn, you got it easy. I was throwing up even before I got a positive test and I didn’t stop until about a six hours after I had him.”

Eliza paled. “Oh god, I don’t think I would survive.”

The comfortable silence returned once more as they looked at the rise and fall of the baby’s chest, tiny snores escaping his mouth.

“Do you want a boy or girl?”

“I don’t really know. Alexander and I never really talked about having kids any time soon. I’d like a girl, but I think it’s a boy. Mother’s intuition I guess,” Eliza said smiling.

“Now don’t joke about mother’s intuition, it’s a real thing.”

Eliza smiled back. “I think Alex would like a boy. I just want a healthy baby.”

“Now where is your husband?”

Eliza sighed. “He winds himself up so tight worrying about things, and working, and he writes nonstop, so this morning I made him take a break to de-stress and now he’s out with some of the guys. I don’t know how I’m going to tell him about having a baby though. He thinks we’ll have barely enough money for groceries this month, let alone have enough left over for a baby. And he’s too proud to take money from daddy, because he thinks it’s a handout. He’s very stubborn, Alexander is.”

“Well what does-”

She was cut off as one of the nurses called her name from the doorway.

“That’s me, I’m sorry.” She picked up her bags and the car seat and walked to the door. “I hope it all works out well for you.”

“Thank you,” Eliza trailed off as the woman disappeared around the corner, the door falling closed behind her. She sat back in her original seat and stared at the posters on the wall. Many of them were support groups for new moms; single moms, breastfeeding moms, just moms in general, and many more. There was one poster that was almost entirely covered up by the posters surrounding it, and she stood up to move the posters out of the way.

Painter wanted

Must be able to paint large mural (9’ x 28’)

Paints and mural design will be provided

Please ask receptionist for any further details

She pulled the tack out from the poster and stuck it back in the bulletin board, the paper in her hand. “Excuse me,” she said to the receptionist. “I saw your poster up on the wall. Do you still need someone for the job? I’m a painter.”

The receptionist’s face brightened. “Yes absolutely! We want someone to paint the waiting room wall right here. Let me be right around and I’ll explain what they want.” She got up from her desk and disappeared, only to come through the side door a matter of minutes later. “Okay,” she said, gesturing at the empty wall surrounding the window. “This is what they want painted. They had someone draw a mock-up, but apparently they’re more of a small scale colored pencil artist. Which, don’t get me wrong, that’s awesome, but not exactly what we need for a wall that’s almost thirty feet.” She held up a piece of paper with the design on it and set it on the receptionist counter. “This is what they want.”

It was a beautiful piece of work. It was an ocean scene, wildlife swimming through different parts of the piece; turtles, fish, an octopus. It was calm and serene, and right in Eliza’s painting capabilities. “I could absolutely do this.”

“Well we have a decent budget set aside, how much do you charge?”

“I usually charge about fifteen dollars per square foot but I’m flexible.”

The receptionist smiled again- she was either a very chipper person, or she had a really good customer service smile. “We have $5000 set aside. I think it ends up being a little over nineteen a square foot. We have the paints and brushes and everything, but we’d need your time. Is it something you’re interested in?”

“Yes! Absolutely. I’d love to work on it.”

“Awesome, now I don’t get final say, but if you have some examples of your work, the doctor would love to see them.”

“I’ve got some on my phone. I could-”

“Eliza Hamilton?” A nurse poked her hand out the side door.

“That’s me. I’m sorry. I’ll be back to talk after.”

The receptionist followed Eliza through the door. “No need. I’ll tell the doctor to talk to you before you leave.”

The nurse led Eliza to a room. “You can set your stuff down in here and I’ll take your weight and blood pressure and then I’ll send you to the bathroom for a urine sample, okay?”

Eliza set her purse down on the small chair in the corner of the room and sat on the very edge of it. The blood pressure cuff wrapped around her arm and the whirring of the machine filled the room. The machine released her arm and the nurse removed the band. “122/76. That’s almost perfect. Alright, get up and we’ll get a weight and a urine sample.”

Eliza followed the nurse out of the room and down the hall to the scale where she stepped up. She watched the nurse move the small weight across. And then across more. And more.

“147. How much were you pre-pregnancy?”

“Uh, I weighed about 121 a few months ago but my doctor was trying to get me to gain weight.” It made Eliza uncomfortable that everyone kept telling her she was definitely pregnant. Did she really look that obviously pregnant?

“Okay, when was that?”

“I think February?”

“Alright you’ve gained quite a bit but I think that puts you in the perfect weight zone currently. How far along are you?”

Eliza stepped off the scale. “Uh, I don’t know. I only took the test this morning. Maybe three months?”

“Alright, the doctor will probably send you out for a sonogram just to make sure everything is okay with the baby. Don’t worry, it’s just routine,” she said at Eliza’s wide-eyed reaction. “But you’ll also get a reading on how far along you are.” She held up a plastic cup. “Okay, so you’re going to get a urine sample, cap it tight, put it behind the little door in there, and the doctor will meet you back in your room. Okay?”

“Okay,” replied Eliza, grabbing the cup.

She locked herself in the bathroom and stared at the cup. She just went pee at home. She didn’t even have to go then either. She shrugged and pulled down her pants, sitting on the cold toilet seat. Somewhere from the recesses of her bladder, she managed to get a sample in the cup. She crinkled her nose as she tightened the cap and set it inside the tiny door on the wall.

She stood up, the toilet flushing automatically behind her. “Holy shhh-” she trailed as she pulled up her pants and adjusted her clothes. She looked in the mirror as she washed her hands. How was she supposed to tell Alexander about this?

She went to the room and sat on the edge of the exam bed, her heart pounding in her chest. She could hear people walking outside the door as well as the woman in the next room. A knock sounded on the door to her room and she sat up straight on the bed. The doctor peeked her head in and smiled.

“Mrs Hamilton? Hi, I’m Dr Reynolds. How are you doing today?”

Eliza smiled back nervously. “I’m doing well, thank you.”

“Alright, Mrs Hamilton, so it says here that you’ve come in to confirm a pregnancy?”

Eliza nodded. “Yeah. I think it’s less of a confirmation now that everyone makes me feel huge. I feel stupid, almost, for taking so long to realize that I’ve missed my period.”

“Okay, so how long has it been?”

“It’s been at least three months since my last period. I don’t have an exact date but I could look at a calendar and figure it out. It started the Wednesday before my sister’s wedding back in April.”

“Okay, so we ran your urine test for an hCg sample, and it came back positive, so you definitely are pregnant. Congratulations.” Dr Reynolds smiled again. “That means that today, I’m going to feel your stomach and measure the baby. Looking at your stomach, and taking in your last menstrual cycle into account, I’m going to assume that you’re far enough along to feel the baby. Based on your last period, I’m going to guess that you’re due sometime around early February. Then, I’m going to take some vaginal and cervical swabs to test for any STIs. It’s purely routine. And after that I’ll send you for a sonogram so we can get a better estimate at how far along you are. Okay?”

Eliza nodded again, feeling overwhelmed at all the information in her head.

The doctor stood up and got a gown and sheet from the cupboard on the wall. “Okay, so I’m going to go back out for a few minutes. I’ll leave this gown with you. I need you to completely strip. The tie goes in the back, but there’s really no sense in tying it since I’ll need to do a breast exam while you’re here. The sheet will keep you covered while I move your gown around, that way you’re not completely exposed. So here’s these,” she said handing over the thin fabrics. “And I’ll be back in a few.” She pulled the door shut with a click behind her and Eliza stood up from the bed and shucked off her shoes.

She stripped off her jeans and set them on the chair, folding them as she moved. She pulled the t-shirt over her head and added that to the jeans on the chair. She grabbed the gown and pulled it up her arms, wrapping it around her. She pushed her underwear to her ankles and stepped out of it, folding it and hiding it under the t-shirt. She pulled the gown around her tight as she could before hopping up on the bed and sitting down.

The silence was deafening as she looked around the room. She was sure to focus on her breathing as the situation suddenly just became so much more real. She was feeling anxious the longer she was left alone and she was waiting for the gentle knock on the door.

The moment she heard knuckles on the door, she breathed a sigh of relief. “Are you decent?”

“As decent as I can be in this gown,” joked Eliza.

Dr Reynolds walked in, her dark curls bouncing around her face. “I completely understand that,” she laughed. The nurse walked in behind her, grabbing gloves from the box on the counter. “So Miss Allison is here to hand me the swabs, and then she’ll leave and it’ll be just you and me for the rest of it, okay? So there’s no need to be so tense.”

Eliza smiled nervously and nodded her head. The doctor’s demeanor was putting her at ease little by little.

“Alright, I’m gonna need you to lay down,” she said, her hand on Eliza’s back to help her back.

Eliza laid back, her feet lifting to rest on the footrest Dr Reynolds had pulled out. Her back was curving at an odd angle, but she stayed quiet, shuffling in place. A sheet was placed over her waist as her gown was pulled up slightly.

“Okay, so I want you to put your ankles together, and let your knees fall apart. I’m gonna take a couple swabs.” The nurse held out the swabs, along with the empty container to seal the samples in and Eliza stared at the ceiling, waiting for it to be done. The snap of the q-tip handle sounded as Dr Reynolds put the sample in the container and the nurse took the lube and squeezed a dollop onto the doctor’s gloves before she left the room, samples in tow. “Okay, so now I’m just going to feel your cervix, and make sure it’s not dilated, and if it hurts at all, I want you to tell me.”

The doctor spread Eliza’s legs slightly and Eliza looked everywhere but the doctor.

“Does this hurt?”

Eliza shook her head. It wasn’t the most comfortable thing, but it didn’t hurt. The doctor stepped back up and pulled the sheet completely down past Eliza’s knees. She pulled off her gloves and grabbed a new pair, tossing the old pair in the garbage.

“In all reality, I should have done the breast exam first, but Allison is going on break and I didn’t think you wanted your first appointment here to have everyone seeing everything.” She pulled the top of Eliza’s gown back. “Okay, have you ever had a breast exam?”

“This is my first time being to an OB/gyn at all, so no. My primary care doctor doesn’t do that, and I’ve never been taught to do it myself.”

“What you’re gonna do,” she said, holding up two fingers. “Once a month, you’re going to start at your nipple and press using small circles until you feel your entire breast. You’ll feel things that feel like the squishy part of your finger, that’s normal. Those are milk ducts. They’ll get a little bit harder as you start coming into your milk, but you should never feel any hard lumps, that feel like the back of your fingers, the boney part. If you do, come in immediately. So, once a month, do a self breast exam.” She eased Eliza’s arm out of the gown and lifted the arm above her head. “Make sure your arm is above your head, okay? Because the breast tissue goes all the way up under your armpit.”

She moved to Eliza’s other side and finished the breast exam, easing Eliza’s arms back into the sleeves. “All good. So now I’m going to measure your uterus. I’ll just take a measuring tape and hold it against your stomach, and then I’ll get you an appointment for a sonogram today and we’ll be all done here after I check the baby’s heartbeat.”

She moved to the cupboard and rummaged through, grabbing a folded up paper tape measure. She held one end directly on Eliza’s pubic bone, her other hand slowly pressing into her stomach, moving up.

“Okay, so the top of your uterus is right here,” she said, pressing into Eliza’s stomach. “It’s just above your belly button. Do you wanna feel?”

Eliza’s hand moved down to press into her stomach. “And that’s my baby in there?”

“That’s your baby,” she replied smiling. “And-” She places the tape measure right where her fingers had left. “According to this measurement, you’re somewhere around eighteen weeks along.” She tossed the tape measure in the garbage and turned back to the table, fetal heart monitor in hand. She moved the sheet back over Eliza’s waist, lifting the gown once she was properly covered. The doctor grabbed a bottle of lube and squeezed it onto the wand before pressing it against Eliza’s abdomen.

There was a swishing noise that filled the room, empty static that shifted as the wand moved across her stomach before a quick pattering flooded from the speakers. Eliza’s eyes grew wide, a smile shining on her face as she realized that she was hearing her baby’s heartbeat. “Oh my god, there’s really a baby in there.” She wiped at the tears that were welling in her eyes. “Can I record this on my phone?”

“Yeah, absolutely.”

Eliza turned and reached for her phone sitting on the chair before moving back. She opened the voice memos and began recording as Dr Reynolds found the heartbeat again. The sound of the heart beating filled the room as Eliza continued recording.

“The baby’s heart rate is 146. That’s right in the correct range.” She removed the heart monitor and clicked it off, the room becoming quiet again.

“Wow,” breathed Eliza as she turned her phone off. She grabbed the paper towel the doctor offered her and wiped the gel off her stomach.

The doctor held the heart monitor in one hand and grabbed Eliza’s hands with the other to help her sit up. “What I’m going to do now is write you a prescription for prenatal pills. You can either use those, which I recommend, or you can go to the store and get some over the counter prenatal pills. But you need to start taking them right away.” She grabbed the laptop from the counter and looked at the notes the nurse had left. “Okay, so I’m going to see what time they can get you in for a sonogram at the hospital.”

Eliza stared down at her stomach. There was really a baby in there.

“It seems like they can fit you in today around 3:30. Does that work for you?”

“Yeah, that’s perfect. I’m having a girl’s day with my sisters, so I’ll probably be in town until they decide they’re done with me,” she joked.

Dr Reynolds smiled. “Alright, so I’ll book an appointment for you. Now you’ve got time to go out, get something to eat, do a little shopping. One thing that they recommend for the ultrasound is having a full bladder. It can help make it easier to see the baby and get a clearer picture. So drink lots of water, which you should be doing anyway.” She stood up. “I’ll see you back here in a month. You can get your clothes back on and make an appointment with the front desk. Have a great day, Mrs Hamilton.”

Eliza changed back into her clothes fairly quickly and walked out to the receptionist’s desk. “I need an appointment for one month.”

The receptionist started clicking her nails against the keyboard while the receptionist that signed her in cane over. “Did you talk to the doctor about doing the mural?”

“Uh, no, it didn’t really come up. I was too busy being in disbelief that there actually is a baby in there.”

The receptionist laughed and waved Dr Reynolds back over. “Mrs Hamilton here said she’s a painter and expressed interest in painting the waiting room mural.”

“Call me Eliza, please.”

Dr Reynolds smiled. “Then call me Maria. Do you have any examples of your work I could look at?”

Eliza opened her phone and searched through her Facebook. “I put most of my projects on Facebook, so I should be able to- Oh here they are.” She handed her phone over to the doctor. “I haven’t done any large scale projects in a couple months but these are a few I did for last Christmas.”

“Eliza, these are phenomenal. Are you seriously interested in the waiting room mural?”

“Yeah, absolutely. I saw the concept art and the idea is gorgeous. I’d love to do it. It would probably only take me a couple weeks if you’ve already got the supplies and the mock-up.”

Maria handed the phone back to Eliza. “I think your work is beautiful, and you couldn’t have come at a better time. The office will be closed next week and the week after so our staff can have a vacation. We’d pay half now, half when the job is done. It’s a $5000 job total, so we’d give you $2500 now and the other when you’re done. Does that sound good?”

“That sounds amazing. I can start on Saturday if that work for you guys.”

“That works. So let me get you the money, and I’ll call you with any other information.” Maria disappeared behind the counter into her office and came back with a check with the hospital emblem on it. “So there’s that, and I’ll call you if I think of anything else okay?”

“Sounds good,” Eliza smiled, tucking the check into her purse.

“Alright, I’ll see you Saturday then. Have a good day, Eliza. Don’t forget your sonogram appointment today.”

“I won’t,” she said, smiling as the doctor walked away.

The receptionist handed her an appointment card. “It’s September 21 at 1:00. We’ll see you then.”

“Thank you so much. Have a good day.”

“You too,” replied the receptionist as Eliza left through the door.

She walked to her sister’s car and climbed in, her energy levels through the roof.

Peggy was asleep in the back but Angelica turned to her as soon as she sat down. “So?”

Eliza started to tear up. “There’s a baby in there,” she laughed, wiping away tears. “There’s really a baby in there.” She opened her phone to the voice recording. “Listen.”

The sound of the heart beating filled the small car. Angelica was in awe, listening to the recording. “Wow, E. That’s awesome.”

“I have a sonogram in a couple hours, think you can bring me?”

“Of course, we’re here for you today, even if Peggy is in the back sleeping. So what do you want to do until then?”

“I’m starving. Can we go to KFC or something? I really want mashed potatoes.”

“A craving, eh?”

Eliza rolled her eyes. “No, I just really like mashed potatoes. You know that.” Angelica murmured an ‘mm-hmm’ as she pulled out of the parking space and turned onto the road. “Peggy, wake up,” Eliza said, slapping at her sister. “We’re going to KFC.”

“Drive through?”

“Why can’t we just go in and sit down?” Angelica asked her sister.

“I don’t want to. I’m comfy back here.”

“You’ve been sleeping on a blanket that John and I have sex on when we go out for picnics. Just throwing that out there.”

Peggy shot up. “You’re disgusting. You let me sleep on that!”

Eliza burst out laughing. “It’s not like you asked, Pegs.”

“Well yeah but she could have warned me! That’s disgusting. Ugh. You’re gross. You’re both gross. Having sex. And you can’t even deny it Eliza because you’re pregnant and I doubt it’s the baby Jesus.”

Eliza was laughing to the point of tears when Angelica piped up. “Peggy, you’ve been having sex since you were a college freshman. Don’t even deny it because I could hear you guys every time you would bring one home.”

“Okay, listen…”

They turned into KFC and ate, joking around the entire time. Eliza finished her food in record time, having not eaten since dinner the night before.

Peggy poked at her stomach. “Are you sure that’s not a food baby in there, ‘Liza?”  

Eliza blushed. “I didn’t have breakfast this morning. So sue me. Also, give me your mashed potatoes.” She swiped Peggy’s potatoes from her and dipped her fork in the container.

“Hey!”

“Hey, I’m eating for two now. You don’t need the calories, I do. Sure I only need, like, three hundred extra calories a day, but whatever. It’ll be fine.” She looked down at the time on her phone and noticed a text from Alexander.

Hey, Betsey, I hope you’re having a good time with the girls. The guys came over to our house so they’ll probably be there when you get back. I love you, Eliza.

She sent a picture of her sisters sitting across from her, Peggy shoving a forkful of chicken in her mouth, Angelica smiling at the camera. We’re at KFC right now. I think they’re gonna keep me out as long as possible. But I’ll be home for dinner tonight. Maybe I’ll bring home a treat.  

I shall count the hours until I see your beautiful face again, my dearest.   

Eliza smiled and put her phone down again, noting the time before it shut off. “We still have an hour and a half until my next appointment. What do you guys want to do?”

Angelica’s eyes brightened. “Let Peggy and I buy you some maternity clothes!”

“Guys, I can’t let you pay for me, and I don’t know how I could pay you back.”

Angelica scoffed. “We’re your sisters, E. It’s called that’s-what-you-do-for-the-people-you-love. And if you’re not here to pick them out with us now, we’ll just do it later and make it a gift for you. So really it’s your choice of now or later.”

“I’m going to pay you back somehow.”

“You can worry about that later. Now let’s go shopping.”

Angelica made it to the mall in almost no time flat, speeding into a parking spot right next to the doors. The three women stepped out and walked to the doors, Angelica leading the way.

“Ange, I don’t even know what stores sell maternity clothes here.”

“There’s an entire store dedicated to mommy-to-be needs,” she grinned. “You’re not getting out of this.”

Eliza groaned and trudged after her sisters, following them into a store. A maternity store. For mother-to-be. Like her.

Breathing suddenly became harder to handle as she walked through the racks with her sisters. Angelica would pause to pull a shirt or dress off the rack and hold it up beside Eliza, looking to see if it would fit, or match her complexion, or something. Every so often, Angelica would ask her if she liked something, only for her to nod or shake her head.

Peggy walked up with an armful of skirts, jeans, and maternity bras. “I’ve already picked out what I’m buying you, so deal.”

“Pegs, I don’t think I need that many pants.”

“Well some of them are shorts, and there’s some jeans, and some leggings, and a couple of skirts. And I got you cute bras because everyone deserves cute bras.”

“Peggy, I have bras,” she said, exasperated.

“But not cute mommy bras that are cute, comfy, and functional.” She set them on the counter. “And they’re all in your size, and they’re having a BOGO deal, so stop complaining and let us pamper you or I’m taking you to get a mani-pedi next.”

“And a haircut,” piped Angelica from behind a stack of shirts and dresses. “I’m ready to check out too.”

“Guys, I don’t need all of this,” she whined looking at the piles of clothes.

“I got you a cute cardigan,” Eliza said. “I don’t know what the difference is between a cardigan and a maternity cardigan but it’s cute and you’re getting it and you can’t be mad at me because I know you want one.”

“I really do,” she grumbled. “Okay, I’m going to go wait outside so I don’t hear the totals and have a heart attack, okay?” She put a bottle of lotion on the counter. “Can one of you get this too?”

“I’ll get it,” offered Peggy. “I’m pretty sure my total is going to be less anyway.”

Eliza rubbed her temples and walked out of the store, sitting on a bench outside the store. She doubled in half, resting her head on her knees; or as close as she could get. She dragged her hands down her face and watched her sisters in the store. It seemed like forever before they came out, bags in tow. “Did I break your bank?”

“No, if anything we broke our banks. Because let’s be honest, we have no self control,” said Angelica.

“We really don’t,” agreed Peggy. “And you’re our favorite sister so it’s only fair.”

“You really are,” whispered Angelica. “Where to next?”

“Can we go home before my appointment? We can drop this stuff off.” Eliza breathed heavily as she stood up. “Peggy, I think I’m going to take the back seat this time. I don’t feel so good.”

“Like, morning sickness don’t-feel-good?”

Eliza shook her head. “No, like, how-the-hell-am-I-supposed-to-tell-Alexander-about-this anxiety. And nerves. And I feel like I’m going to throw up. What if he hates me for it? What if he wants me to get an abortion?”

“Okay, first off, you’re being ridiculous, ‘Liza. Alexander may be pro-choice, but he’d never want to have his own child aborted. Second off, if he acts like a dick, Ange and I will beat the fuck out of him. Sister’s honor. But Eliza, you know he wouldn’t act like that. Even if you guys are having money troubles, he’ll want that baby as much as he wants you. And maybe he’ll stop being so proud of himself and blast that ego of his and take some money from daddy. He just wants to help, Eliza.”

“I know that. But Alexander just sees it as a handout. And he doesn’t want that. He’d rather pay daddy back no matter how long it takes.”

“Maybe you can get it through his thick skull and tell him that he needs to worry more about this baby than his pride.”

“You know Peggy has a point, E.”

Eliza opened the back door to the car and crawled inside. “Do you have something I can use as a pillow that you haven’t had sex on?”

“The blanket on the floor is clean.” Angelica said, loading the bags into the trunk.

“Really?!” Shrieked Peggy. “You couldn’t have given me the untainted blanket? I had to lay down on your raunchy exhibitionist blanket for picnic sex.”

“You never asked,” Angelica pointed out, climbing in the driver’s seat. “Maybe if you had asked, I would have told you. And it’s not raunchy exhibitionist sex. It’s sex on our own blanket in the woods behind our house where the only people that would find us would be trespassers. So it’s not really exhibitionism. Public sex? Maybe. But definitely not exhibitionism.”

“I’d probably be an exhibitionist tbh,” admitted Peggy. “But I don’t think Stephen is into that.”

“Who’s Stephen?!” Exclaimed Eliza, shooting up in place.

Peggy’s cheeks flushed. “He’s just a guy I’ve been seeing for a while.”

Angelica turned in her seat. “A while?! And you didn’t tell us?”

“Because you guys always act like this! Would you just start the car?” She crossed her arms. “I’ll tell you on the way to ‘Liza’s house.” She sighed deeply as Angelica turned on the main road. “Okay, so Stephen and I have been dating since Angelica’s wedding. He was one of the waiters that cane with your catering company. Well, when he was on break, I sat down and talked with him for a while and we hit it off immediately. I had planned on introducing you to him next week and that being how you found out. But obviously I blew it as usual.”

“So how come you haven’t told us of him before?” Eliza said from the back seat.

“Because you guys are kind of overbearing, especially you, Ange. I really like him and I didn’t want you to scare him away. We’ve been moving kinda fast though and we both decided it was time for him to meet my family. So we planned on having a party next week. But the cat’s out of the bag now so there’s really no point.”

“We can still have the party,” said Eliza. “And I’d just like to state, that for the record, Alexander is the overbearing one, not me.”

“Alright, fair enough. But still embarrassing.”

A silence settled over the car as they sat at a red light. Angelica was staring in the rear view mirror, Peggy was staring straight ahead, and Eliza laid back across the seat. “Do you have any pictures?”

Peggy snorted and threw her phone in the back seat, the photos app open. “It took you longer to ask than I thought. Just keep scrolling.”

“Ohh,” Eliza said. “He’s handsome. What a catch Pegs. You done good.” She scrolled to the side. “And apparently he’s well-hung.  I’m gonna keep scrolling.”

“What?! I put all of those pictures in photo vault.”

“Except that one apparently. It’s all good, I’ve scrolled past it already.” She looked at the new picture- both of them clothed thankfully, Peggy blushing as Stephen pressed a kiss to her cheek. “It was a very artsy photo though. Did you take it?”

“Elizaaa,” Peggy whined, Angelica laughing beside her. “Shut up.”

“I’m just curious! You guys look so happy together. It’s really cute,” she commented, scrolling through more photos. “Is this an after-sex selfie?” She turned the phone toward her sister, showing her the photo.

“Lemme see,” she said, turning around and grabbing at her phone. A smile crept across her face as she looked at the photo. “Yeah, I guess it is.” She was curled into Stephen’s side, her face buried in his chest. The look on both of their faces was pure bliss, comfort, and contentment. “Oh, god,” Peggy sniffled, holding back tears. “I’m so in love with him.”

“Aww,” Angelica crooned. “My baby sister has got it bad. You’re still having the party right? We get to meet him?”

“Yeah,” Peggy sighed. “I guess so. But you’d better not embarrass me. Got it?”

“Well…” Eliza began.

“Got. It?” she asked through her teeth.

“Yes, Margarita, we got it. We would never ever ever purposely embarrass you.” Angelica sniggered from the driver’s seat. “Never ever.”

“You guys are so full of shit, you know that?” Peggy crossed her arms and slouched in her seat. She tossed her phone back at Eliza. “Might as well keep looking.”

Eliza scrolled through the pictures, crooning here and there at some particularly cute photos. “You guys look so happy together.”

“We are.” Peggy smiled from the front seat. “We really are.”

Angelica turned her car into the apartment parking lot and shifted it into park. “Are you ready to bring your stuff upstairs?”

“Oh, god, Alexander can’t see these bags. They have maternity plastered all over the side of them.”

“I’ll make up an elaborate story,” Angelica said, waving her hand noncommittally. “No one will know the difference.”

“He’s Alexander, Ange. He’ll figure it out.”

Peggy grabbed the bags. “Then we’ll distract him.”

Eliza grabbed her phone. Are the guys still there with you?

Yeah, why? He replied almost immediately.

Just wondering. We’ll be right up.  

“He said the guys are still in the apartment. Please help me.”

“Do you have your set of car keys on you?” Peggy said, walking to the small blue car parked a few spots away.

“Yeah, it’s on my keychain. Why?”

Peggy snatched the keys that Eliza had held out in her hand. “We’ll just stuff them in the trunk. He won’t know until after you can tell him.”

Eliza nodded and grabbed some of the bags from Angelica’s car. “That actually is a really good idea.”

“Well, obviously,” Peggy snorted. “I came up with it.” She tossed the bags into the trunk and slammed it closed. “Now let’s go upstairs. But we have to be quick. Your appointment is in twenty minutes.”

The three women walked up the stairs, Peggy pulling a dreadful Eliza and Angelica following them. “Eliza you have to tell him sooner or later.”

“I know, Ange. Apparently it’s super obvious and everyone at the stupid doctor’s office could tell and I just don’t want to be like, ‘hey, Alex, you know how we’re struggling to survive? Well we’ll be having a baby in four months, so prepare yourself to stop eating or living.’”

“Well, that’s just unrealistic, Eliza. You would never tell him like that. First of all, you never call him Alex. Second of all, just open your front door and lady up. Go tell him.” Angelica nudged Eliza towards the door. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

“A lot of things, Angelica! A lot of things! He could-”

Peggy threw open the door. “We’re back losers!” She proclaimed, draping herself over Lafayette and Hercules’s laps on the couch.

“Peggy, really?” Angelica chastised. “You’re old enough to know better.”

“Yeah, Ange, but you’re young enough to live it up a bit and you don’t do that, so it seems as though we are at an impasse.” She smirked before looking at the guys. “There’s gonna be a party at my place next week and you’re invited,” she began to drone.

Eliza walked up behind Alexander and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Can we talk?”

“Eliza, you’ll never have to worry about me not wanting to talk. I literally never shut up. You’ve been married to me for how long now? And you still can’t figure that out?” The smile on his face made it evident that he was joking, no matter how true it was.

“Can we talk in private? Go out on the fire escape maybe?”

Alexander’s smile fell from his face. “Yeah, sure. Let me put my drink on the table and I’ll be right there.”

Eliza walked through the bedroom to the fire escape and sat down, the cold metal pressing into the backs of her legs. Alexander walked through and sat beside her, their legs dangling through the safety rails.

“What’s going on Betsey?”

She leaned into him, her head on his chest. “I just missed you,” she whispered, inhaling the smell of his cologne.

He wrapped his arm around her and pulled her even closer. She lifted her legs up from over the edge and curled them into her chest. “Oh, ‘Liza. I’m always right here for you.”

“I know,” she said. For now, her mind provided. “What did you guys do today?”

“You’ll never believe it, Betsey. We were sitting in that coffee shop a few blocks over, right? And I’m complaining about how no one is buying my writings, and I’d basically do anything for a job right now, and this guy walks up to our table and it like, ‘I couldn’t help but overhear,’ yadda yadda yadda and long story short, he offered me a job as editor for the newspaper. It’s not glamorous or anything, but it’s $66,000 starting salary, benefits, healthcare.”

“Oh, Alexander, that’s wonderful!”

“It’s not anything special, but it’s better than nothing, right?”

“Oh absolutely! I actually got a job offer today, too. $2500 up front, the other $2500 when it’s done.” She pulled the check from her purse and showed Alexander.

“The hospital?”

“They want me to paint a mural for one of their office waiting rooms. Everything is starting to fall in place.” She leaned against Alexander’s chest. “It’s for their women’s health office.” They sat in silence for a few seconds, Eliza listening to Alexander’s heartbeat pounding in her ear. It was much slower than the heartbeat she was listening to earlier. “Alexander, do you ever want kids?”

“I haven’t really ever thought about it. Most of my childhood was spent in less than pleasing conditions. My mother died when I was young, my father left even before that, I don’t even know what a parent is supposed to do. I don’t think so. I don’t know. Maybe eventually but definitely not now. Not until we’re settled down even more and have an actual house instead of the apartment. I want us to be financially stable before we even really think about having kids. Why do you ask?”

“Uh, I saw a newborn when I was in the women’s health building earlier. I was just wondering,” she said, tears welling in her eyes. “Can you just hold me for a bit? It’s been quite the day. I missed my husband.”

“Let’s go back into our room then, Betsey. You’re shaking.”

“Oh, I must be a little cold,” she agreed, pawing at the tears in her eyes before standing up. She wrapped her arms around herself, hiding her midsection. She crawled in the window and threw herself on the bed, curling up on herself.

“Eliza? What’s wrong? Was it something I said?”

“Please just come hold me.”

Alexander crawled into bed beside her, his arms wrapping around her ribs to pull her close. One hand found its way to her hair, where he carded his fingers through the pin straight locks. “You’re so beautiful, Eliza,” he whispered in her ear. “You are the definition of beauty itself. I’m so lucky to have you in my life.” He pressed his nose against the crook of her neck and breathed happily. “I’ll still never know how you married a man like me, Betsey.”

Eliza’s body was still shaking with her crying, her eyes staring blankly at the door in front of her. She could feel Alexander pressing kisses up and down her neck, but she didn’t react.

Alexander sat up behind her and eased his face in front of hers, his body hovering just above her. “Eliza, what’s wrong? Did I say something wrong? Please, Elizabeth, I can’t help unless I know what’s wrong. I thought you’d be excited to have a commission, and excited that I have a real job lined up.”

She remained staring at the door and Alexander launched himself off the bed, running through the door to the living room. He brought Angelica back, pulling her by the arm into the bedroom.

“I don’t know what I did wrong. We were out talking and now she’s like this and now she won’t talk to me or answer or react to anything I do. Please Angelica. Help me. I don’t know what I did.”

Angelica sat on the edge of the bed. “E, can you hear me?” She eased her sister’s head off the pillow and scooted under it, Eliza’s head resting on her lap. “Alexander, go get her a glass of water.” She rubbed Eliza’s hair soothingly, humming as she played with her dark hair. “What’s wrong, Eliza?”

Eliza began sobbing. “He said he definitely doesn’t want children now. Maybe not ever.”

“Oh, Eliza. I’m sure he didn’t mean that.”

“I asked him if he ever wanted children and he said he doesn’t think so, and then that he doesn’t know, and then definitely not right now.” Her body was shaking harder from the sobbing. “Because of the money.”

“Well did you tell him? Did you tell him everything about-?”

“No, I couldn’t. Not after he said that,” she cried.

“Eliza, babe, you need to tell him.” She sat her sister up on the bed, easing Eliza’s head to her chest, pulling her into a hug. “He deserves to know.”

“I deserve to know what?” Alexander asked, hand clenched around a glass of water. Angelica held her hand out for it and he pressed it into her palm. “Tell me what?”

Angelica handed Eliza the water and watched her drink it before standing up. “I think you two have some talking to do.”

“Angelica, no-”

“I’ll be right out in the kitchen, holler if you need me.”

“Angelica, I need you!” Eliza cried.

“Alexander, instead of talking, you might want to consider listening for once,” she said before she closed the bedroom door behind her.

The air in the bedroom suddenly felt heavy. Eliza stood up and moved to the window, throwing it open before sitting on the floor.

“Eliza, I need you to talk to me. Please. I can’t help you if I don’t know what I did wrong.” He sat down on the floor and grabbed her hand. “Eliza, pl-”

“I’m pregnant.”

[bakukirikami]

I'd like to request all the angsty headcanons please

GOD ok this ask is over a week old but im finally ready 2 deliver

under the cut bc this is literally 2k of bakukirikami angst hc’s

bakugou

not rlly super angsty but he’s rlly touch sensitive

mainly bc of the sludge villain which. makes sense

the first time kiri and kami swings an arm over his shoulder he flinches To The Max and they’re shocked bc angry baku just jumped away from them

though it’s good for the beginning of their relationship bc it helps them realise and understand it

they both ask him first if they can hug him and tbh for the first few seconds baku doesn’t know what to do

eventually he hugs them back and Gosh it’s such a good feeling

he feels a little calmer and he just relaxes and shit he feels gr88

he doesn’t even mind if he tells anyone else abt hugging them bc he’s just so glad that he feels safe being held by someone

tbh it’s not easy to overcome something like that? esp for baku, he’s so used to having control that the sludge villain really hit him hard.

the first time they share a bed together baku’s in the middle although he’s the tallest.

he’s been so long without proper touch and kiri and kami really just wanna make him feel loved

at first it’s Too Much Touch and he feels really trapped but his bf’s really did some research abt touch sensitivity and they figured out how to calm him down

he sleeps really well when he’s in the middle bc he knows that he’s literally surrounded by love

he’s the last of the three to wake up in the morning and when he does he can just hear kiri and kami whispering about how much they love him so he buries his head in his pillow and kicks them both so they don’t see him smiling and blushing

eventually after a REALLY LONG TIME he does end up trusting 1a so he doesn’t really mind if they know about his touch sensitivity

there’s nothing wrong with it ofc he’s not any less of a hero it’s just another part of him

but if anyone from another class/in general mocks him about his flinching he will try to explode him and it takes kiri and kami 43 tries to get him to calm down

he finds it really irritating ofc bc he wasn’t always touch sensitive! fuckin sludge villain

when he goes home to visit his family he brings kiri and kami home to meet them

mitsuki hasn’t seen baku in ages so her first instinct is to hug him which is p normal for a mom imo

he flinches for a second and then he realises this is my mom she literally has baby soft skin she can’t hurt me before he relaxes

she still notices his flinching bc she’s his fuckin mom so she asks kiri about it later bc he seems like a good lad

kami overhears and helps explain

later when they’re trying to go to sleep they tell baku and he just shrugs bc he doesn’t mind. he’s getting used to it now

sidenote bakugou’s family fucking love kiri and kami

when he finds out ragdoll lost her quirk he gets a few nightmares about losing his own quirk

makes sense tbh bc the majority of his confidence and arrogance stemmed from his Super Awesome Quirk

usually ends up with him waking up really sweaty and holes in his blankets from uncontrolled explosions during his sleep

he goes to the bathroom to cool off and he stares at his reflection a lot and constantly reminds himself that he’s not going to lose his quirk he’s not he’s not he’s not

what happened to ragdoll isn’t going to happen to him he’s okay

when/if kiri and kami find out they’re shocked again bc they’re not used to insecure bakugou

however they do reassure him a lot that he’s not going to lose his quirk

they remind him a lot that nightmares don’t make you weak at all

he doesn’t usually say anything but if he does it’s usually just “yeah, yeah, yeah, i know.”

“thanks dumbasses”

his dreams usually rotate between hero dreams and fluffy dreams abt his bf’s so the first time he has a nightmare he’s super pissed off bc! He’s strong he shouldn’t be getting nightmares

kami and kiri are Best Bfs they buy baku all might merch when he’s feeling Bad

kirishima

right so listen up kiri’s rlly insecure about his quirk in general so like after baku got kidnapped he really beat himself up about it like A LOT A LOT

his updated hero costume has sleeves from a few of the scars he gave himself during that time

bc of his quirk he rlly doesn’t need armour or anything so everything when they tell him he can upgrade he goes

“fuck i need to hide these scars”, thus, sleeves

during the hero license exam arc kami’s confused bc why the fuck would kirishima, whos ((pretty much)) made of steel need s l e E V E S

kami doesn’t question it tho bc who the fuck is he to judge. kami’s costume is literally just a cool jacket and pants w/ lightning bolts

baku (and everyone else) doesn’t really notice bc theyre used to kiri’s Extra As Fuck costume

anyway eventually bakugou and kaminari are going to end up seeing his scars, whether on purpose or not

when kiri explains baku’s first reaction is just anger bc not only does he think he’s the reason for all might’s end, but he’s thinks that it’s his fault kiri hurt himself

its no one’s fault of but neither of them know what to say but they just both hold kiri really tightly and at that moment, that’s all he needs

DOESN’T LIKE TALKING ABT HIS FEELINGS BC HE DOESN’T WANT TO BURDEN HIS PALS

sunshine kid needs to stop bottling things up blease kiri

spends half of his time in class overthinking about things

he wants to make everyone happy and please everyone but kiri u can’t do that you gotta make yourself happy first

after he, baku and kami get together he talks a lot abt his insecurities and he feels so liberated honestly its a good feel u go kiri 👏👏

they’ll be in bakugou’s room watching a movie and as soon as the credits start rollin he exhales and sits up straight and just Starts Talking

bakugou and kami don’t interrupt them, they just let him talk and as soon as he’s done kami cuddles him and drowns him in blankets

baku does His Thing but kiri still knows he cares so he smiles really fondly at baku which makes him blush bc kiri has the nicest smile!

eventually kami will make bakugou cuddle w/ them

they all sleep a lot better that night.

(kiri’s in the middle)

used to get a lot of shit @ middle school during The Edgy Phase

filed his teeth in anger

vowed to be the nicest person he could be

he doesn’t like thinking about it a lot but he definitely thinks it made him a stronger and better person

got mocked a lot abt his quirk bc it wasn’t “flashy enough” ://

this is already canon but he cried when meeting tetsu for obvious reasons

STILL CANON but best bros w/ tetsu

he talks to tetsu abt their quirks a lot

tetsu is a Comfort Buddy

initially tetsu doesn’t rlly understand why kiri is upset about the lack of originality of his quirk, but once he does understand he’s very comforting

of the two, people say tetsu’s quirk is more unique because he’s transforming his body from flesh into steel, whereas kiri’s is flesh into harder flesh

(this is p much why tetsu initially has difficulty understanding)

tetsu reassures kiri a lot tho and in the end they always feel a lot better about their quirks

once or twice tetsu mentions it to kami and bakugou

out of the blue they’ll randomly compliment kiri and his quirk and he’s super happy

they never say anything to kiri about tetsu but kami and baku are really grateful that he told them

forever upset that he won’t meet crimson riot

kaminari

mmmMMMKAY maya has some angsty kami hc’s here in case u havent seen them yet but ITS MY TURN NOW

super pissed off bc of how he always gets called stupid and dumb!

yes he doesn’t have the best grades but can you stick a knife in a toaster without dying? no? didn’t think so

whenever anyone is a dick about his intelligence he gets really pissed and starts shooting tiny sparks out of his body

when he came to UA he did that a lot less tho

but he does it most often around jirou

(at UA its usually her being a dick)

once she pushed him a lot and he nearly did fry her

kiri had to calm him down and hold him back

when he was little and figuring out his quirk he accidentally fried his favourite book and he cried for ages

got yelled at by teachers as a kid by teachers for accidentally short circuiting the building

bc of this he doesn’t like loud shouting a lot

he Will Flinch

especially when he goes to UA and when all might teaches

nothing wrong w/ all might ofc but his voice is really loud i’d flinch too

like he knows all might’s not going to hurt him but fuck it sounds like he is

after a while all might is the only loud adult voice he can deal with

he doesn’t really want the teachers to know bc its sorta a sensitive topic

when/if kiri and bakugou find out they won’t force him to tell anyone, they’ll just help him cope with it and comfort him

scars on his limbs from not knowing how to use his quirk as a kiddo

constantly terrified of losing control over his quirk and hurting ppl he cares about

idk i think that’s already canon but it’s important bc !! he actually likes the people at UA and he doesn’t want to hurt him

craves affection and attention all the time

he doesn’t need to be the center of attention at all, he just wants to be noticed and would rather not blend it

it’s not like he would go out of his way to stand out though, he just wants to be liked for who he is

it helps him a lot w/ his self confidence since he’s so used to him and his quirk being shoved aside (a result of the backlash of overusing his quirk) 

will cover up his pain or hurt with a joke because he like other people seeing him helpless

always stressed on how to be a better hero

runs his hands through his hair a lot

on bad days he’ll pull at his hair

bakugou and kirishima can tell whenever he’s feeling more upset because they’ll notice random strands of his hair floating around

a short attention span

it contributes to his “bad grades” and he hates himself for it

literally when he figured out just how short it was he electrocuted a couple trees because he was so pissed off

his parents gave him a really old record player for his dorm at UA but it broke when kiri and bakugou were having an arm wrestle in his room

dunno why they arm wrestling in his room BUT THEY WERE

he’s upset for ages bc that’s what reminded him of home

tries every possible way to fix it

he’s not even upset with kiri or bakugou he’s just. Empty

kiri and even bakugou apologise a lot and they actually feel awful for ages

at some point they buy him another one

ofc they know they can’t replace the other one but what else can you do

can’t go a day without someone insulting his hero costume

cries when he can’t buy a new video game and starts shooting sparks if someone else in 1a has it but he doesn’t

he gets really insecure about his body randomly, especially when he compares himself to bakugou and kirishima

but he wouldn’t mind being a little stronger but boi gets distracted all the time

but its obviously different bc ofc baku and kiri use their whole body to fight, but kami doesn’t need to do that

that being said, he doesn’t really want to be Super Buff either