#im still awake so i'm already kind of doing this now lol

[fortheturnstiles]

doing some #organizing on the old blog over here including going thru my queue to tag everything before i unpause it yayy. i ran out of stuff in there and wanted to build it back up before putting it on again so now that’s done. also tomorrow i am probably gonna go on a blocking spree cuz um i dont like this many people following me and also i dont want minors following me because i'm an adult that's a boundary i have also i post pornography on here sometimes. should have made that clearer somewhere probably but im bad at making about pages and shit and i dont look at new followers too closely ok sooo if i dont see an age in your bio im softblocking and if ur like 17 youre getting blocked. BYE!

[teencopandthesourwolf]

“Please.”

Stiles stands there chewing on his pretty crimson lips, pleading.

Derek isn't fully clued in yet but honestly, the kid is kind of vaguely breaking his heart.

“Please, Derek. I'm really sorry about this but please just—just don't say anything, okay? And just—let me?”

Stiles had texted Derek earlier, at 3.17am, presumably just before he’d set off from his house to drive his jeep to the loft.

Derek had been lying awake in bed, unable to sleep.

His messages had read:

> dude, i rlly need to come over. that ok?

And:

> ill let myself in if thats cool?

And after a few moments, in quick succession one after the other and before Derek had a chance to respond:

> and i rlly need u to just like. not get out of bed. presuming yr already in bed

> all shall be revealed

> lol i don't know why i put that

> and obvs tell me if any of this is not ok. ok?

> as if you wouldn't lol

> #sourwolf

> and yeah i know im being a weirdo but thats why you like me

And then, a few seconds later:

> right?

Derek had stared at the flurry of messages for a minute or so, then texted back:

Okay, weirdo <

About ten minutes later, Stiles had let himself into the building. Derek listened to the kid muttering away to himself as he rode the old service elevator—except it wasn't really himself he was talking to.

“God, I hope I'm not wrong about this. Like, I think we're close enough now for it not to be weird. I mean, at least I hope we are. I'm just so fucking tired, man, and have got to get me some sleep. Anyways, just—don't get up, okay? Or, like, can you get into bed if you're not already in bed? Sorry, I know I texted you this already, I just really need you to trust me. You do know you can trust me… Right, big guy?”

Derek's trust of Stiles was implicit.

When the steel door had unlocked and slid open, Derek smelled fresh, mostly unscented shower gel over the base notes of Stiles's own cinnamon scent, mixed with the very definite chemo-signals that indicated fear, restlessness, apprehension—and also, the strongest of them all; hope.

Let me.

Here, now, Derek still doesn't know what the kid needs.

Let him what?

Derek doesn't have any more time to wonder, though, because Stiles is taking off his sneakers and pants and is slowly, very slowly—as if giving Derek the chance to protest—climbing into bed next to him.

Stiles is now in Derek's loft in the small hours, in Derek's bed, fully under Derek's covers, with Derek wearing only his grey tank and black boxer-briefs and a probably terrified look on his face.

He silently thanks the universe for the cover of night.

“Like, you should obviously say something if this is completely heinous or whatever, but otherwise just—let me do this?”

And all Derek can think is shit, he's freezing, at the same time he is going into a some sort of dumbstruck shock because Stiles is now wrapping his entire sinewy, beautiful body around the entirety of Derek's.

“This okay?” Stiles asks, the air around them spiking with the smell of his anxiety as he Big-Spoons Derek like some human-shaped octopus, skinny but strong limbs astonishingly everywhere.

And he sounds so unsure, and so small, and Derek can't bear it.

Not giving the stoic part of his brain any opportunity to talk him out of doing this, Derek takes ahold of Stiles's wrist from where the kid had draped one of his long arms around Derek's midriff, and hangs on as firmly but gently as he can, manoeuvring them both around in the bed so that Stiles is now the Little Spoon.

“This okay?” he asks gingerly, mirroring Stiles because his own words are failing him.

Stiles says, “Yeah. Even better,” and his anxiety is melting away into something much more pleasing; something like relief.

Derek breathes out the word, “Good,” and feels a little dizzy and a lot amazed, and kind of like his heart is beating wildly in his throat.

The only reason he knows it isn't, is because Stiles says, “I can feel your heart thumping away in your chest, man. But, uh, I don't have wolfy senses, so… I can't tell if it's good thumping or bad thumping.”

Then he promptly stops breathing.

Derek resists the desperate, learnt urge to run away from this. He mentally shakes himself and figures: After so many years fighting monsters together, maybe he and Stiles can fight this one together, too?

He gives himself a moment to ride out the panic, then screws his eyes shut and, praying to nobody in particular, whispers, “Good thumping,” into the shell of Stiles's ear.

Stiles shivers and breathes again, but doesn't say anything else. For once, he doesn't need to. He just needs to sleep.

As the kid settles into Derek's bed and Derek's embrace and, hopefully, Derek's life, he smells like a mix of serene and content and promise—and also, wonderfully, of Derek, now.

Derek is a strange combination of relaxed and freaking-the-fuck-out because that's just the way he's made. His brain won't stop whirring at a speed of a million miles an hour, worrying about everything and nothing, all at once, and before he can bite into his lip to stop himself, he blurts out, “Cora says I sometimes dream-talk about Cajun Gumbo recipes.”

Stiles's only sighs, then hums quietly, his breathing already evening out almost to the point of sleep.

Just when Derek thinks he's not going to get any sort of real answer, Stiles mumbles, “Okay, weirdo,” on an exhale, and then he's drifting off into unconsciousness.

Derek settles then, and smiles into the nighttime thinking that maybe, finally, he might get a good night's sleep, too.

.

for @shealynn88, the bestest of friends. i love you and miss you always... <3 (unedited btw—forgive me!)

[strlingsav]

you are a god among us peasants. your writing skills so sublime, you make tears fall from my eyes (and from between my legs); thank you for your service. 🫡

if you’re keen, may i request pain? just angst and maybe death too—if doable. of course, we cannot forget smut; because we’re still thirsty degenerates despite (or is it in spite) the masochism. but if that’s not your cup of tea, then no worries, you feed us well anyway. 🥰

anyway, just wanna say thank you very much for existing and that i look forward to reading more of your amazing fics. may both sides of your pillow be cool whenever you lay on them. 🙏

lastly, im the one who requested for the ‘read more’ bar and tbh, i was not really expecting anything from it. i was expecting it to be ignored and i was fine with it. coz let’s be honest, that was just nitpicking from freeloaders like me and scrolling a few more seconds is the least we can do to thank you for sharing your awesome brainchilds with us. i was just shooting my shot but honestly didn’t expect anything from it. so for you to implement it as soon as you got the ask is just 🤌. thank you. i appreciate you. i hope you immediately find your lost things as soon as you start looking for them. ❤️😘😘😘

LOL, stop it now I'm crying 😭 I can definitely come up with something real angst-y and slutty just for you!!!

You're so kind, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you, and the validation 🫶🏻🥹❤️

Of course!! It's my pleasure 🤍 Thank you (and a million more thank yous) for the kind words, I hope you enjoy!!

Endings

– Simon "Ghost" Riley x F!Reader

— A sweet goodbye turns sour.

Two

Explicit/gory content under the cut. Read at your own risk.

The sun had just barely peaked, a glowing orange hue sneaking out from behind your linen curtains. It must've been early, early enough to catch Simon before he headed out.

You stretched out, rolling onto your side, still beneath the warmth of your heavy duvet. A soft pillow cradled your head, goose down, plush and inviting. You didn't want to wake up- you wanted to give in to the overwhelming contentment. Your hands reached out, your eyes shut as you relished in the comfort of your bed.

Your hand tucked under your cheek as you opened one eye, focusing on the man next to you, his chest rising and falling slowly, peacefully. His skin lit up in the sun-tinged room, glowing softly, an image of pure serenity, nearly God-like.

You sighed softly, your eyes scanning his face. You didn't want to wake him. He needed every minute of sleep. You carefully pulled the covers back, goosebumps erupting at the flood of cold air hitting your skin.

A hand wrapped around your wrist, pulling you back with a strong tug. Simon enveloped you in his arms, cradling your body against his chest. You giggled softly when his lips nuzzled against your neck, pressing a lazy kiss against your skin.

"You sneakin' out on me?" He mumbled, muffled by your hair.

"Trying to," You smiled. "But you caught me."

He hummed, "Just need a few more minutes."

"I can do that," You said, your legs interlocking with his.

His hands followed the natural curve of your waist, meeting your hips, down your thighs. He pressed a palm against your leg, before running his fingers back through the carved path.

"You're barely awake and already feeling me up," You teased, your head turning to look at him.

His eyes were still shut, though his brows furrowed.

"Always in the mood to feel you up, sweetheart." His hand grabbed at one of your breasts, making you laugh- boisterous and genuine.

"You're insatiable." You shook your head.

"Can't blame me."

He pressed his hips into your backside, his erection pressing into you.

"Good dream?"

He shifted upward, his hand on your waist as he looked over you. Half-covered with the comforter, eyes still blinking slowly as you adjusted to the morning light, a mischievous smile across your face. He loved these mornings, slow and playful, where he could appreciate you in your purest form.

He would miss it- miss you. The first woman to force her way into his life and stay there. He'd grown fond of you. More than fond, if he was honest, but honesty scared the fuck out of him. As did vulnerability. He often worried he'd grow too close to you, open up a bit too much and you'd run the other way.

He rarely spoke of his childhood or innermost thoughts, but you made it bearable. He didn't have to hide it from you, didn't have to pretend he was put-together when he was really tearing at the seams. You'd kissed every wound, loved him regardless.

He loved you. He'd only said it once, maybe twice, too shamefully afraid, but you knew. He'd never known anything like the feeling that made him think of you, all the damn time. Made him want to make you happy, do the nervous boyfriend routine when he met your parents. Become a pathetic sop when he was wrapped in your arms.

He devoured every bit of yourself that you showed to him. Every secret, every terrible thing you'd ever done. He wasn't alone, not when you were there.

His hand reached down your pelvis, inching slowly to press the pad of his finger against your clit.

"Must've been good," You held back a smile, your eyes shutting as you basked in the pleasure of his fingers rubbing circles over the delicate organ.

He shook his head against the hard line of your jaw. "'S'all for you," He said quietly, his lips honing in on yours with a delicate kiss.

You moaned softly, your hand reaching for the side of his face. His tongue slid into your mouth gingerly, gliding against yours.

Your mouths moved in sync, a perfected routine. He quieted your moans with his mouth, shushing you with the use of his tongue.

He moved away, leaving you to chase after his lips, open your eyes to see him.

"You're too good to me," You smiled, your lips parting when he applied a bit more pressure with his fingers.

"I know," He replied. "Y'deserve every bit."

He hummed with approval as he looked over your blissful expression, leaning down to leave a trail of kisses across your neck and chest. His teeth nipped at your flesh, tongue sliding out to soothe the inflicted area.

"Just needed to feel you again," He mumbled. "Gonna be gone for a while."

You tried not to frown, tried not to show your utter disappointment upon remembering these would be your last moments together for months.

Your back arched inadvertently when he sunk two fingers inside you, quickly coated with your liquid arousal. A guttural moan left your lips, his thumb still circling your clit.

Your hand reached to stop his movements, your brows cresting, a pleading expression in your eyes. "I want you inside me."

His lips separated, your words creating a searing heat in his groin. The desperation in your voice tugged at a primal instinct inside him, to make you feel good, and it surely would've brought him to his knees had he been standing.

He readjusted himself, his eyes on yours as he massaged his cock with his hand. He moved slowly, angling your thigh to allow him better access. You curved your back, opening your thighs a bit wider as he searched for your entrance.

You felt the slick head of his cock press against you, easing in gently, your hymen stretching to accommodate his size. Your eyes squeezed shut, lip quivering as you bit down.

He was finally buried inside you, giving a low groan in your ear when he felt just how wet you were.

Your back against his chest, his hand slid around your waist, fingers splayed out over the expanse of your curves.

His hips rocked into you, his hand holding you tightly against him, your head fell into his chest. His other hand found yours beneath the pillow, squeezing tightly, reassuringly.

Your eyes opened, finding his amidst the crescendo of pleasure, watching his nostrils flare as he sucked in deep breaths, utterly dumbfounded by the way your pussy felt like it was made just for him.

You leaned in closer, nuzzling your face against his, soft whimpers leaving your lips when his cock hit your G-spot.

"Baby," You whispered, your hand reaching back to glide into his hair. "God, Simon."

"That's it, love," He cooed, through broken breaths and strained vocal cords. "S'alright."

Your heart stammered in your chest, before pounding harshly against your ribs, threatening to climb out your throat. His grip on your body was unrelenting, a solid reminder that it was him who made you feel that way, that had your hips grinding back against him, silently begging for more.

"'M gonna miss you," You breathed, "So much."

His hand slid down your waist, circling your neglected clit, matching the pace of his wonderfully slow thrusts.

"Miss you too," He sighed. "Always miss you, love."

You were restless against him, finding no solace in the idea that you were close to orgasm, and so was he. It would be over, and you'd have to start your day; leave the shelter of your bed, the place where you could hide from everything and everyone, together.

Your fingers replaced his on your clit, and he took advantage of the freedom, cupping your breasts with his large hand. His fingers ghosted over your perked nipples, listening to your soft moans, savouring the fruit of his labour.

"Simon-" You whispered, broken and breathless, hardly there but loud enough for him to hear.

He could feel your pussy fluttering around him, making him shut his eyes as he resisted the urge to cum. "I'm close."

He continued at his successful pace, trying not to watch the way you unraveled, how your back arched even further into him, your spine curving, how your skin flushed with the rush of endorphins. Your voice breaking out in a long, desperate moan, the sweetest sound he'd ever heard.

He was even closer now- your undoing had lead him right to his climax. His hips paused against your backside, a gust of his warm breath washed over your back as he exhaled harshly. He kept himself firmly planted inside you, still enjoying the addictive walls of your pussy.

He was apprehensive when he pulled away, shifting now to slide you even closer. He wrapped you in his arms again, his lips pressing against the salty skin of your temple.

"Gotta get goin'," He grumbled.

You nodded. "I know."

He'd been packed for a few days now, ready and waiting for the day he had to catch a flight out. You joined him at the front entrance of the apartment building, in your sweats, watching with red eyes and a forced smile as he shoved his bag into the seat of his SUV.

He moved back to you, enveloping you in a warm hug, his hands wrapping around your waist to hold you.

"I'll miss you," You whispered in his ear.

"Be back 'fore you know it, love," He said back, his lips kissing the sliver of skin showing on your shoulder.

"Better be- and in one piece," You tried to laugh, tried to make it easy.

"Behave yourself while I'm away," He warned, his hand sneaking down to take a handful of your backside.

You did laugh that time, genuine and unapologetic while passersby stared.

"Always," You pulled away. "I love you."

His eyes locked with yours, a soft smile forming over his lips- one of admiration and total devotion.

"Love you too."

Your insides warmed, cheeks glowing with pure adoration.

—

Simon's hearing had gone in his left ear- high-pitched ringing in the other. His eyes focused on the smoke, the still-spinning blades of the helo.

That was when he realized he could only see from one eye- blunt force trauma causing a blown pupil and detachment of his retina.

He tried to twist onto his front, at least have a chance at dragging himself to safety.

A searing pain ripped through his thigh as he lifted himself, and he peered down to find his femur poking through the skin, his torn fatigues covered with blood.

He inhaled, shaky and shallow, hardly enough to sustain his racing heart. Low groans of agony rumbled in his chest, his muscles twitching as he held the surrounding flesh of his broken bone. His head ached, throbbing and stinging, not yet realizing he'd cracked his skull, the flesh of his scalp held together by his helmet. Blood pooled on the ground beneath him.

His deafened ear leaked red, severe swelling of the brain pushing against the intact remainder of his skull.

He tried to sit up again, though couldn't find the strength. He was exhausted- dizzy with blood loss and no longer able to move his limbs quite right.

You, he thought, you'd be alone. You'd wonder where he was, what happened. Would they let you see his body? Or would they tell you he was M.I.A? He couldn't decide which would be worse; leaving you with unanswered questions or knowing he was never coming back. Would they tell you how hard he fought to stay alive for you, even if his entire body was begging to let go?

He was shivering, now. His body had started to focus all energy on his fatal injuries, desperately hanging on to any viable organs. It wouldn't work- it couldn't. Not even a goldstar field medic could piece him back together, not enough to call him human again. He wasn't sure if he'd want you to see him that way, either.

Fitting, he thought. Nothing good ever lasted for Simon Riley.

At least he'd told you he loved you. You'd know it was real, that he wasn't afraid anymore. You'd know he gave everything he had, including his trust, his feelings. The thought gave him a moment of comfort- or maybe it was the endorphins putting an end to his suffering. Either way, his chest warmed when he pictured that playful smile, your eyes. He yearned to have you there, holding his hand instead of digging his fingers into the wet earth. He'd made his grave inside you already, resigned to dying with you than without. You'd tell him it was alright, tell him to let go while he couldn't feel an ounce of pain. You were selfless like that.

All he could picture, as the last of his breath left his lungs, as his heart gave up on sustaining a worthless fight, was you. That morning in bed, before deployment, where you'd given another piece of yourself to him, selflessly. As always.

Thank God he'd told you he loved you.

[fawnfictions]

Omg finally someone's with a request open!!!

So uh, can I get a SWK and Mac (seperately) x FEM!reader who has a trauma every night and gets nightmares from them?

Comfort and fluff!

night comforts

— macaque & wukong x fem!reader

thanku for the request!! <3 im ASSUMING you wanted it to be romantic, but it can be read as a very-friendly platonic relationship LOL

not sure how good these are, but i hope its what you asked for!!

;; romantic, comfort and fluff !!

MACAQUE

- honestly, he probably deals with nightmares, too, considering everything he's been through with Wukong and Lady Bone Demon...

- now, the first time that he stayed the night and slept with you, he kind of brushed it off when you told him that you suffer from nightmares nearly EVERY night, assuming that they were just those silly types of dreams that you'd be scared of in the moment, but would look back at laugh at in the morning.

- BUT, when he's awoken by restlessness beside him in the middle of the night, he realises how wrong he was.

- if he catches you while you're still asleep, he'll try to wake you up softly by saying your name.

- he knows that if he's too rough, you may wake up thinking you're in danger, so he wants to limit your fear as much as possible.

- when you do wake up, or if you're already awake when he wakes up, he'll immediately try to ground you and get you to focus on the present.

- he'll give you space, not wanting to overwhelm you even further, but if you ask for it or reach for him, he'll immediately have you in his arms, leaning against the bed frame/wall and wrapping his tail around you while leaving a kiss on your head.

- he won't ask about the nightmares, or what caused them, preferring to wait for you to tell him yourself when you're ready.

- comforting you and making sure you get back to sleep is his first and foremost priority.

- "c'mon, sugarplum. shh, it's okay, you're safe—i'm here, let's go back to sleep, hey?"

- he'll gently wipe your tears and softly whisper sweet words to you until your breathing evens out into a rhythm and you're quietly snoring <3

- next morning, he won't say anything or ask about it, acting as if it never happened, but will intently listen to you if you do bring it up to him.

- if you confide in him about your nightmares / trauma, he'll sit there and listen patiently, perhaps even adding a joking remark or two to cheer you up if it seems appropriate.

- he'll help you in any way possible if he's able.

- whether thats helping you overcome some sort of phobia, or encouraging you to see a therapist (or Sandy lol)

- if there's nothing he can truly do, he'll feel a bit lost and upset with himself that he can't help you long-term.

- meanwhile, he'll do whatever it takes to be there for you when you wake up with terrible stress.

- if he's physically unable to be there with you at night for whatever reason, he'll leave a clone with you at night—sure, it's not the same as the real deal, and he may feel very a little jealous when he walks in to you and the clone snuggled up, but if it helps you, he's happy.

- and, if you've had a particularly rough night with barely any sleep, he'll stay in bed with you the next morning for as long as it takes for you to be fully rested.

- not that he's complaining, anyways; he'd be lying if he said he wouldn't be happy lazing around in bed with you all day.

- overall, he puts comforting you as his first priority, and will do whatever it takes to protect you, both physically and emotionally <3

WUKONG

- unlike Macaque, this mystic monkey doesn't suffer nightmares as much.

- not to say he never gets them, he does sometimes, but he has his other monkeys there to cheer him up whenever he wakes up in terror at night.

- so, when he's woken up by you, having a nightmare, he's not as confident as Macaque in knowing how to help.

- if you're still asleep, he'll try to wake you up as quickly as possible, unable to watch you struggling for any longer than necessary.

- he's a very touchy-feely person, so he'd immediately have his hands wrapped around your shoulders.

- without realising it, his tail is wrapped around your waist and pulling you as close as possible.

- if the two of you are on Flower-Fruit Mountain, there'll no doubt be at least a couple of monkeys in the room with you, who waste no time in chirping concernedly at you.

- you'll find a monkey climbing and perching on your shoulders, grooming and picking through your hair, while another tries to snuggle up between you and Wukong.

- sensing your stress and unsure what to do, you may find that one of the monkey's attempts to give you a piece of fruit (which Wukong takes and discreetly discards, because it's midnight and he'd prefer you to go to sleep first, and eat in the morning).

- he'll ask you what the nightmare was about, and if you want to talk about it.

- if you don't want to, he'll accept the answer but will probably pester you in the morning, wanting to help you, worried that you're hiding your stress from him.

- if you do tell him about it, he'll keep you in his arms and comfort you all the while.

- "everything's okay, peaches. it was just a dream, nothing bad'll happen to you or anyone else while i'm here..."

- when you're ready to go to bed again, he'll keep you close as you fall asleep, protectively snuggling into you and the monkey's that won't leave out of concern.

- he will, also, do whatever he can to help you with these nightmares, going as far as preparing to confront Heaven for some sort of 'cure', until you tell him to stop, lest he cause trouble.

- if you agree to it, he'll ask MK to set you up with Sandy and his therapy cats in hopes that will help.

- although, if all else fails, he may just end up in the Celestial Realm, desperately searching for something more to help.

- ultimately, he's still willing to stay up with you as long as necessary to ensure you get sleep, although it can't be promised that he won't fall asleep again before you (he doesn't mean to, though, and will feel guilty if you bring it up).

- he'll definitely stay in bed with you for longer in the mornings if you've had a particularly rough night, going as far as to cancel a lesson with MK if need be.

- just like Macaque, he'll give you a clone or two if he can't stay for the night, but he knows the monkey's will be there, too, so he isn't too worried.

- he's a little upset if he can't be there to comfort you at night, though, so he'll make up for it with lots of cuddles when he can <3

- cuddle piles with like half the monkey's on Flower-Fruit Mountain is a definite at some point !!

- overall, seeing you sad will always cause his old heart to ache, and will do ANYTHING to cease your pain, even if it causes trouble in the future—he just wants you to be happy :(

[frankendykez]

this is highly different from the usual posts i make, but im only posting this because i don;t have. anywhere else to really say it normally and in a way that doesnt seem like im purposely making the people around me discomforted. regular posting will go back after this, but for this vent post specifically tw for: mentions of (almost) sucide attempts and suicidal thoughts

i almost attempted quite a few nights ago. almost. i had the knife in my hand but pussied out last second. i'm glad i did. i thoguht the worst period of my life was roughyl around 13 to 15 or so, but even though i did have suicidal thoughts then and hid it all up with whimsy, i never got this close to an attempt. i don't know why i tried this, i don't want to die, i want to live and be happy and i am still trying to be happy and hopeful despite all of this, i am trying to be optimistic but i suppose despite my current belief (or something im trying to turn into a genuine belief) that my life is worth something, i guess i am just havig Quite The Year right now.

i want to live, you know, and i will live, im sure of that, i guess that one moment was a odd one off thing, if that makes sense. i know i will make it through whatever im going through, and i have a strong reason to keep on living --- it's for the people that i love, mainly, my friends. i don't want them to ever have to miss me, or to ever stay awake in bed during late night crying about my suicide. i want to die of old age, i want to be there for the people i love, my life really is just other people and honestly, i think any reason to live is a good reason to live, as long as it makes you happy and improtantly alive.

i am the most loved ive ever been in my current friendgroup (but i don't think they deserve to hear me vent about uncomfortable topics nor would they want to me which is understandable), i think, but "home" has been horrible. i don't know what to do with myself, everytime im out i dread going home, i don't think i've ever past a day without crying at least once, or getting irrationally angry at something minor. and things have happened in the past also affected the way i think, you know. sometimes i don't believe the love my friends have for me, even though i also at the same time i know its true. i know i deserve to be loved and i will do anything to be loved and in turn i love all my friends like they're my entire world, but it feels like my brain is at war with itself, one side being stupid irrational thoughts and actual logic. i often have breakdowns about "not being anyones best friend", and whenever i vent about this to a friend of mine, theyre always like "ur my best friend!!" and i want to believe them so badly and i kind of DO but i also don't, some annoying part of me just thinks theyre just... saying that. i suppose. its kind of silly to believe i was born a person, sometimes i feel like a vortex, always hungry for love, craving more than what im given. this is such a long paragraph already but i havent even describe the extent of my emotionality, which tbh i rather would not do. i already said too much anywyas. but also little enough taht i just sound like a whiny little bitch, tbh.

i dont know why i said so much, i think it was another attempt to make the few people that read this not worry much about me trying to attempt suicide again. but yeah, i was having a Time. god this barely makes sense lol. thanks for anyone who read tho no ones obligated to respond or interact. i got over it, it was a few days ago anyways. jus had to say it somewhere without making thigns in the friendgroup feel uncomforyable.

sometimes i wish i didnt live but im so fucking glad i did

sorry for this post you lot, promise thisll be the only one. love you guys even if i barely know u. i dont mean to sound like an attention seeker, i just need to say it somewhere, i guess. god i sound so stipid lmfao

[riastarthe]

ok this "time to cut off your conservative family members" didnt know you guys were still hanging out. i don't have a family to cut off because i already did that. it sucks it's painful it's lonely it puts you into an entirely different situation where you might feel like a total fucking alien and you will be reliant on the kindness of strangers more often than you'd like, but at least you won't be constantly psychically damaged by people who are supposed to love you and choose not to. or people who want your friends dead. you wouldn't take that from anyone else and a biological bond can't mean more to you than your own dignity. even war criminals love their children. love is not a reason to stay.

sometimes i marvel at how long ago i came out and how fucking lonely it's always been. always. growing up rural, there wasn't a community, much less one that accepted or acknowledged trans people. i never learned how to be in one and was never brought into one... all queer community has been incidental, mainly through art. i'm going to start trying now, but it makes me so shitscared lol.

i dont really waver in my beliefs but if one thing can shake my foundation, it's being left behind for those beliefs. i am scarcely different from anyone i know/have known and yet to them the cracks seem huge. that's so disappointing, and the loneliness makes me feel like such a freak man. going into the future alone is what rocks me. it is so bleak. the past 4 years fucked me up so bad, i really struggle to think i'll recover despite all the work i've done/am doing. i've done things other people haven't in order to try and get better For Them as much as myself. therapy, medication, making better and more honest art to try and communicate myself more effectively, trying to join more digital communities like the co-op etc., stating my boundaries with people, being more confident about what i think and feel... and all of those things seemingly has had a NEGATIVE impact. if i were to frame it as... living more honestly and losing people who are unwilling to respect that or losing people who maybe i never clicked with in the first place, well, that void hasnt been filled. so it feels awful. it feels like i need to be someone else entirely. i don't want to live this life alone. i long for people all the time. it makes my stomach hurt. it keeps me awake. it is the singular most painful thing of all time, that emptiness. i feel totally broken. i miss so many people. i don't know how to live like this and i know I don't want to. i wish i could have help. i wish that kind of help existed. i dont know how to express how badly i need it, in a way that i do truly believe is different from the shitty (and incorrect) idea of learned helplessness— the way my mind... feels, the cloth over it, the anxiety is something very different compared to any other time in my life, compared to any other fear or sadness. it is like, a real fog, a wall, a deafening, deadening, fatiguing weight, like i go limp from it. i need help. i want help.

i dont think im as repugnant and repulsive as i feel, or how i'm seen. i don't. i've been a good friend in the past. i want to be one again. it is such a bad ache. i wish i had the words for it. i say so much but nothing really describes it... it's just a black hole. I've worked really hard to overcome it but I've worked really hard by myself. i need someone willing to let me try.

[shawnjacksonsbs]

Kept calm? 10-12-24

“Most people would succeed in small things if they weren’t troubled with blind ambition.” - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Keeping my calm and my peace on my way to where I'm going is just as important as where I'm going. Probably even more so.

I don't have an entry per se, but . . .sharing the words of wisdom with the new couple and dedicating it to them, might be enough for all of us.

In case I don't get a chance to read what I wrote to them, I'll share it in here, and it'll double as my entry.

First initials only in here by the way. Lol

. . .

N-, I still don't know you super well, but we got plenty of time for that, now that its harder for your to escape . . .the family.

What I do get from you is that sense of . . .self, meaning you can be sweet, and hardworking. Also honest, and not, a religious hypocrit, all such great qualities.

Im sure you're confident with who you are, and who you guys will be together. And that's exactly what A- needs.

Now . . .A-, my baby brother, who I've let down more than once in our lives, but who is always there later with that forgiving heart-

Man . . .

Well, let me put it this way, all those years ago when I decided to turn my life around there was a culmination of men from my life that I took pieces from, then put those pieces together and aspired to be like that. It was a couple uncles, a couple cousins, but mostly it was 1 grandpa and 1 baby brother. My hero still.

N- he is a keeper for sure!

Now, before i wrap this up, it wouldn't be completely in true me fashion if I didn't borrow someone else's words, right, so . . .

Heres a paraphrased quote from the show Afterlife.

“Happiness is amazing. It's so amazing it doesn't matter if it's yours or not.

. . .

Good people do things for other people, that's it - the end."

We are all looking forward to seeing you guys do good things for each other while making each other happy.

I love you both.

&

Cheers.

. . .

Good speech? We'll see, maybe. Either way, they'll get it, even if I have to tag them. Lol

That's it, guys.

Keep sharing your love and your laughter with the world around you, and never stop being kind. In the last 11 years, I still haven't found anything that's as important when giving things to others.

Until next week;

"Our drive to be bigger can give us ulcers, keep us awake at night, and stop us from enjoying the blessings already given us. Better may be harder to measure and not as glamorous, but the inner stability that comes from gradual success is more valuable and lasting." J.D.

[giuilily]

lmfaoo everyone hates the moogles so much in rebirth (understandably, im a big moogle fan so I was bummed they flopped that, although moogle cloud at the end was p funny). I also am in the "too many mini games" camp that i know has divided the internet haha. Let me solve a puzzle or something I don't need to learn another new mini game mechanic that i will never use again ty

An interesting idea that they are tempting fate by repeating their patterns, seems like maybe someone is going to have to do something very off script to change things potentially.

I am also very curious what Marlene has to do with all of this, why does she have Knowledge in the terrier-verse that she shouldn't have... (although i did laugh at her being like Aerith likes Cloud :D and Zack is like ah i see... lmao he's probably like when did they meet ???)

I totally forgot about the impending coma situation for cloud, it would be interesting if he temporarily wakes up in terrier-verse in that situation, or perhaps he will see many of the universes during that time. I wonder if it will be like a dream or if he would be more actively "awake".

I'm not much of a zack person (i never played crisis core and can't say i formed much of an interest in him based on his presence in rebirth, sorry zack) but it would be quite funny for the three of them to be together for a bit. I guess it also depends on... which version of them wakes up there lmao terrier-verse Aerith hasn't met Cloud and beagle-verse cloud is quite different from the Cloud Zack knows so could be quite confusing for everyone. And assuming Zack is still there at all

The different universes are interesting but also have the capability to add so much confusion (i mean, i'm already somewhat confused lbr haha) that I really need to see how they bring it all together. Only 3 more years until we find out 🙃

Asggsjddoq tbf my dislike for them is mainly because of their minigames 😂. Honestly, I found it cute the first two times, but it got super frustrating and tiresome real fast. Cloud turning into a moogle and saying "Kupo" was definitely cute tho and felt worth it (but I'm definitely not going through all of that again lmao)

Marlene got her knowledge when she hugged Aerith in Remake (from the White Materia, I'm guessing). And lol yeah, this little 4 year old confirming to Zack that Aerith has feelings for Cloud was not on my Rebirth Bingo list. My guy doesn't even question it after she started describing Sephiroth 😂

And I haven't played CC either. I did watch playthroughs on youtube a while back so I know who the new characters are, but I don't have any kind of attachment for Zack. I like what they've done to him in rebirth tho so it would be interesting to see him have a full conversation with Cloud as he currently is (and maaaaaybeee help him straighten a few facts out along the way?). And I do wonder what kind of Aerith will wake up and the role she'll play moving forward (is she gonna summon Holy across all the multiple realities??).

Only the devs know now and it's gonna be a looong 3-4 years of waiting 😭

[selchwife]

cant at all get over like how eurydice and emet never even got together. it's so funny. i kept changing their dynamic but im Sure about it now.

like, they knew each other as little kids. eury was hyth's close friend and emet was hyth's other close friend so eventually they were going to have to meet. emet was kind of intimidated by him i think bc i imagine emet as the most painfully shy meek rules-following stern little kid in the world, like the kind of five year old who lies awake in bed at night worrying about his 401k. whereas eurydice is loud and gregarious and like "what if we snuck away during the school trip to the library to go get ice cream? lol" like he just doesn't care about getting into trouble and is doing it constantly. at one point i think he pulls emet's hair and makes him cry bc he's trying to tease him. that's the kind of childhood dynamic they have. this is when emet develops his big dumb crush and it all goes downhill from here

they are also constantly arguing once they hit teen years i think. like big fucking blowout fights about nothing at all. this is your brain on puberty! and all that. emet starts developing that layer of like prickly antisocial behavior and snappishness that characterizes him once he's older and is transitioning from "shy" to "curmudgeon." eurydice, similarly, is transitioning from "female" to "male." emet wants to be free of his stupid crush now that they're teenagers and was kind of hoping figuring out he was gay would free him but of course eurydice had to be a guy. rip

i think there's a decent period after like Amaurotine Equivalent Of High School where they just don't see each other and then in their like mid-late 20s equivalent they start working together in the convocation. eurydice is like ok lol clearly emet actually for real hates me given like all of amaurotine high school and also how he acts now so i'm going to be PROFESSIONAL AND NORMAL (<- is already falling in love now that emet is a hot tsundere adult man) and emet is like NOT YOU AGAIN. GO AWAY. (is saying this bc he STILL HAS A FUCKING CRUSH ON EURYDICE FOR SOME REASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELP HIM)

then they do have one final big blowout fight over zodiark and during the final days eury dies thinking emet hated him 👍 and all these out of context emotions live somewhere in pfeil's brainstem now

[calpalsworld]

Not "autistic anon," but also autistic, (being called maybe ableist made me want to put this out there before go to bed) i thought Zane was depicted that way purposefully by the writers. He has stereotypical traits like taking things literally, and has an actual humor switch. The writers have done things with Zane before like have him lose bodily autonomy (during that one Wu's teas short) and did something with his voice be it making him unable to be understood or talking too loud and the forced pirate voice by Jay. (what you're doing isn't too different from that, right?) I thought it was just a little iffy to distort his body and memory bc that could be interpreted as something not that I'm sure what exactly, it's some kind of disability. I dunno. I'm not good with putting this to words. I hope this makes sense.

Sorry I went to bed but now I’m awake 😭

Also I ended up totally spilling all my thoughts here rather than only specifically replying to you please forgive me context: my scary zane concept design, & my ninjago rewrite i refer to a lot 

Im a little confused but I think I get what you're saying? You're saying the Ninjago writers absolutely DON'T write Zane well (you listed examples of this) and you don't want me to fall into the same trap?

I had the opposite logic earlier. I thought: If Ninjago writers made Zane have stereotypical autisitic traits while also being a dehumanized robot, I may as well embrace it, say he is autistic blatantly, while also making him do funny/cool non-human robot things, so its clear as possible the two aspects of his character are literal and separate and not a metaphor for each other. But you're right! I do have a choice and I dont have to embrace things! :)

Like there were a couple ways I was gonna reject the original, for example, I never wanted Zane to have a funny switch, and I hated how other characters could fuck with Zane and he didn't even care 😬. I want to change that stuff. So youre right, if I am changing shit like that, it would be counterproductive for ME to GIVE him MORE traits along that theme. 😬😬😬 I should try to feel less obligated to portray Zane like he originally is. I still like the concept of "scary zane" (for reasons i explain below the cut) but I might tone it down a bit like with the claws and weird proportions and shit. I’d def make him look more skeletal and undead. That was my original intention, but i didnt execute it as good as I could have.... idk if anyone could tell thats what he was supposed to be like...my bad! But rn I dont wanna redesign him I wanna draw other stuff like normal alive Zane. Sorry LMAO 😳. Like I said in some earlier asks I think, I think Im gonna focus rn on how I should portray season 1 normal not dead Zane so thank you and feel free to share any other Zane thoughts ^_^ SOME OTHER THOUGHTS:

Also I Wanna Argue Some Stuff But I Understand its a Weak Argument Since All of This Context was Just In My Brain (so don't take this as an argument, just as me rambling): I don't want messed up things to happen to Zane and for it to just be ignored. I think if Zane is going to have fucked up things happen to him, as all characters must, its best for it to happen during a season where he actually addresses his feelings about being a robot (learning to accept that he will always be himself, regardless if hes "human" or the "original" or whatever. (thats how I always interpreted his emotions)). But I wouldn't have the other Ninja be very phased by Zane's looks because the whole point is they already love who he is (seasons 1-3 were about getting to know Zane) and now Zane himself just has to learn the physical, robot part of him is okay. Its about person-hood rather than humanity. Because the season focuses around Zane's soul, and because he lost his original body, I feel like I could mess around with his current, temporary body and have fun and make it scary. Because that body should be irrelevant. I understand it possibly being upsetting for an autistic character to be designed like this, but other people I talked to see it the opposite way. They find it comforting for him to look so different but still be himself and be so loved. SO IM ABSOLUTELY NOT saying its wrong to be bothered or to hate it or to feel any way. Just that I personally think it would be cool for Zane to be portrayed with a little spice lol, so thats why I like scary Zane for season 4.

Another Thing I Wannna Say But Is REALLY Hypocritical: (this isnt directed at anyone I just REALLY want to say this) I know I say "this is Zane but scary, he looks like fnaf" so he's obviously dehumanized, but I always felt like "scary" is more of an objective fact. Its an instinct. But what's "not human" is subjective. I think there is a problem with saying anything different from "average" human is dehumanized because that could extend to real people. Lol I know its bad for me to compare FNAF-ass Zane to real people, but I mean he could be real. People can have exposed teeth, and people can be shaped weird. And when someone first sees a person who looks like that they'll probably think "woah those features are scary" by instinct. And that surprise doesn't make someone ableist obviously. But bring that person’s humanity into question is NOT an instinct, and is fucked to shit. This is kinda a bad point for me to make since its about the fictional FNAF Zane I drew, and I am NOT implying ANYONE was thinking like this. [especially not the original asker anon who I am totally forgetting about at this point OOPS]. But I just thought it was an opinion of mine I couldn't go without mentioning when talking about dehumanization and disabilities.

^^^ I think you (anon) understand what I mean and might’ve said the exact same thing as me if you were writing a long ass response? I think this because you started to bring physical disabilities up and you said it was "a little iffy." ^_^ So we agree, but I don't see Zane's relation to real life disabilities as "a little iffy" I see it more like "complicated"? IF THAT DIFFERENCE EVEN MAKES ANY SENSE?????? I feel like a lot of things about Zane are really just complicated and need the right context, rather than the concepts necessarily being wrong -- NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT! THATS THE WHOLE REASON I DO THIS STUPID REWRITE! XD thats why a lot of my rewrite SO FAR has been the same concepts and plot beats, but different dialogue n specifics and such. I like a lot of concepts in Ninjago but I dont think they were presented correctly.....! :( So I guess all we can do is wait and see if I make Zane offensive or not....???

Also something about the memory part - yeah i agree i was surprised no one thought that was weird to make jokes out of his memory issues..... BUT I am like 100% firm on making his memory take longer to come back because I think its stupid how quick Zane was able to recover from literally dying. Like its just dumb to me. Hate it. (also bc memory & soul mechanics is ummm kinda important in my rewrite.... for reasons). Another memory thing btw, I was going to make his original amnesia come from hitting his head in an attack against the Skulkin when they stole his dads corpse, rather than his dad fucking choosing to make him forget. (its a sweet & iconic scene, but Um, WHY?!!!?!?!?!?) He has to follow data recovery instructions he finds in his dads diary. I think in that context it makes moments of memory loss somewhat different for Zane's character? Instead of loss of autonomy associated with disability, its a literal violent loss of autonomy associated with being traumatized by physical force. Idk how to phrase it exactly but I think that makes some vibes different?

Sorry, I think I got really distracted, and I don't know if I responded well to your points. Because uhhhh I think I agree with your stance actually? If I understand correctly? Fuck Ninjago writers for making the robot lose autonomy (a stereotypical robot theme) while also making him seem clearly autistic (NOT A HAPPY THEME FOR AUTISTIC PEOPLE) and not addressing it. And also auuugh Zane with a weird body is a difficult topic - kinda sussy pretty iffy.

Lol anyway idk if this made any sense and I REALLY rambled on you. but this was nice 👉👈 more Zane criticism pls love you and i love zane. i hope u dont feel mad at me because then it would be weird that im saying that lol. if you do feel mad at me tho you can send another ask (ILL TRY TO JUST LISTEN NOT RAMBLE NEXT TIME) but assuming ur chill rn, love you thnx

Take this page, don’t mind cole’s ass.

[nothingevencompares]

Me: I'm happy to. You spoke to me for a reason. You had that dream for a reason. I was able to reply for a reason. We reached the subject for a reason. Moving forward is where we are meant to go.

You: Absolutely. I am super grateful you didn’t find that odd at all, but it really is true, something burned that specific photo of you into my dream. I couldn’t sleep at all tonight, either, and I was just curious what your thoughts on it were going to be

Me: At this point I don't know what I find weird anymore. Maybe normalcy is weird now to be honest. I'm just glad you messaged because all your posts im like damn. She's amazing 😍😌 what a find.

You: I was always weird af so all the craziness in the world rn kind of fits my narrative finally, as weird as that sounds lol you seem like such a nice person, and I still trip out that we have the same signs, both sun and moon, I don’t usually get into signs like that usually, but it’s rare enough anyway to meet an Aquarius, and you’re so funny and smart, I can already tell lol 😊❤️ how did we even find each other on here? lol

Me: I was looking for those signs on that combo and I found you on a post and liked your comment because you're enchanting/stunning/captivating so I had to take notice. And same I'm also weird as our sun dictates. Astrology isn't everything but much like the tools I already use in psychology it's a guide to understanding people. The closer you are to that the closer you can understand yourself.

You: Definitely. I have a friend who is heavily into that kind of stuff, and charts everything down to the last detail, like a legitimate science, it’s pretty amazing. But it’s very special, the more I look into it, the more I feel I can better understand myself and others, it’s a very nice feeling. And thank you so much, I am so glad I messaged you tonight, I love your energy just based on the few posts I’ve seen of yourself but I really hope I haven’t been keeping you up or anything

Me: I know. People are quick to judge but it's soo much deeper than just that. Thank you. My energy is always going to be that of the person I'm with so I'm just returning what I'm getting from you. Honestly, as far as sleep goes, that's not something I do as much as I should. However you're definitely someone who I want to be awake for. This is something I would want to be tired about tomorrow. Also, you're not interrupting anything I didn't now why I woke up right now other than pure chance to speak with you which I'm beaming about tbh

You: I’m a long suffering insomniac so I feel where you’re coming from for sure lol I’m so happy to hear that because the feeling is definitely mutual. This is so cool honestly, I have a big ass smile on my face, I’m thoroughly feeling this 🦋

Me: That's the best thing I've heard in a long time. I can imagine it now too. You have the type of smile that could brighten a room. And definitely 🦋 when I initially saw the notification from you on my phone. As if I manifested greatness from wishing you would.

You: Ah, this is amazing 😭 completely unexpected turn of events from this. Definitely glad about it, though.

[chelleztjs18]

Hello you mrs. lady robin hood honey nut cheerio lefty eyebag 😅

Oh no! Delays suck. But it's good that you guys got to CA safely. That's a long drive from the airport to their house..

I am freezing my butt over here. It is snowing and the temperature is down to 10 degrees. Do you wanna trade? I can go enjoy the heat in CA while you play in the snow here. Hahaha 🤣 so all the clothes you brought are thick layers? Hopefully it does get cold but I doubt it because all the cold temperatures are heading my way haha

Hm so you like stories that have a dark theme to it?

So I listened to some songs of Glass Animals. I love his voice. It gives me a soft bar vibe hahaha I think my favorite so far is Your Love. And I didn't know they are the ones who sings Heat Wave. I like that song too.

Hm is it bad that I have a lot of crushes? Hahaha 😅 okay so technically one of them is the girl from the past that I have been crushing on since grade school. I've always like her since we were younger and we don't talk much now but whenever I see her on social media, it's like feelings come back?? And I hate it lol.

The others are sort of recent. Yeah the tumblr crush, she's cool but I don't know, I don't wanna put feelings into it because it might turn out bad.

Haha I guess I could be. One time for our anniversary, I gave her a book of all the letters I wrote to her but never sent (because we were long distance at first).

Sounds like a busy day! How many brothers does he have? So his parents are not together?

Anyways, it's almost Christmas time! Are you guys going to take Emily to see some lights or decorated houses?

- CuriousGeorge

Corn-punn righty eyebag! Hello hello! I'm back! But i bet u r asleep already since u r 2 hours ahead i think.

I tried not to be rude to be on the phone when they were talking.

How r u? Hows everything in the last 2 days?

Sorry for the late reply.. we went to have sushi for lunch, then went to his brother's house to chill nncatch up. Got mexican food for dinner n too the kids to see christmas light neighborhood. Em fell asleep so easy because she was so tired. She had a big meltdown before go to dinner but thank god we could handle it.hahaha.

I'm so tired today.. i had to wake up early tomorrow because im gonna go to indonesian food place to hv some food n bring home some desert. 😁

Hahaha yeah we can trade place n weather for a bit .today was kinda chilly n windy so i still wore my pull over hoodie n thick jeans at noon n wore my coat at night when we were walking to see the christmas light.

I didnt bring all of the thick clothes but u brought long sleeves. Some of them r thick ones, some of them r thin.. i got upset because i took out the cardigans last minutes. Which they would be perfect for the weather right now.🙄😒

Yeah i like dark stories or thriller that has that vibes i told u. Because usually it focuses more on the antagonist's mind such as why they do what they did, or why they did it n what wrong step they did that got them caught, or the revelation of who did it.. N it's interesting. Even better that usually it has plot twist at the end. I love movies like that. I can recommend u some movies like that if u want. 😊

I wish i can write that kind of story someday.. 😊 a thriller story.

Yeah i love Glass Animals. The singer's voice is pretty unique.. n their style of music is pretty different. I love Your Love song. It inspired an interesting plot idea..😁

He has 3 younger brothers. He is the oldest. N em is the first granddaughter on his dad's side. His parents divorced a long time ago but they get a long well so they still hang out or attend each other's family gathering.

Yes we took em n her cousins see christmas light neighborhood. There are quite a few big neighborhood that do that every year on christmas n halloween too.

It sucks when i got the chance to reply u, u r either not awake yet or already went to bed because of the time difference. But oh well, i hope it doesnt bore u from waiting. Just leave me next questions after this. Will for sure still reply u asap

Cheerio!

[satisfiedesire]

okay let me write it all out for a second, let me follow a thought with words

i was alone then i wasn't (an unknown amount of times)

i felt alone in september. so alone i did a lot of drugs. like more than usual. and not the kind that make you feel good. the kind that make you forget your days & ruin your life as you know it.

now i'm not feeling so bad about feeling alone. not because i'm not or because i don't feel alone but because i know i'm picky anyway and the urge to grab and put people in my life isn't healthy and something i spent a lot of time unlearning just to unfortunately pick back up after this breakup. i just wasn't ready for it, i wasn't ready to leave the comfort zone of the relationship i had or to end it. and then in a blink of eye (thx drugs, it was actually two weeks) it was done and i had to move on.

it's january now, so it's been four months since that breakup. me and sasha don't talk too much. i've tried to set things up but it always falls through so i've given up.

i am talking to someone and i do like them the way i like all the serious ones. i haven't met them yet lol. they're another aquarius moon. they're also a 7H gemini venus. don't know how to feel about it overall but i'm attracted to it i guess. i always pick the challenging ones for me. aries venus maybe? they've already told me they're polyamorous, which duh gemini venus. my sister and best friend are both that. i feel like i have an okay grip on feeling that placement out and that makes it a little more scary. i'm excited. when i get my covid test results back, hopefully they're negative and if they are we're gonna go on our first date. they're rich and live with their younger sister in addison and im scared lol :) but excited. you know i love me a big fish to fry, metaphorically or whatever

it's almost 3am and i'm still awake but have the last of an interview tomorrow at 11am for a job. i hope i get it so i can make money by my birthday and have a fun time with my friends. i bought so much stuff lately and i have so many bills it's honestly another reason i need a job. i feel like a chuck e. cheese token machine thingy munchin shit up just consumin'. i wanna be comfortable. i wanna meet my own needs with no help

my dad told me if i save $4000 he will co-sign for an apartment for me so that's my money goal after my bday. that'll be my last splurge. then it's paying my bills and saving for an apartment. my apartment

i'm going to try to sleep now

[sehnista]

im just here for the pretty people, good music, aesthetics n laughs... SAME! 😂 I really admire people that come up with these theories, but that's not me!

less than 24 hours! I really can't wait!! I hope that inseong's test turns out negative and they can promote without any problem, but he probably will have to quarantine for two weeks... 😞 I hope everything will be alright

you're right, the song sounds different all the time 😂 I think it will have a lot of different parts! I'm so excited!!

and yes, I do watch sf9 center, it's really fun but I still haven't had the time to watch the last episode. I really like the concept, and inseong and jaeyoon are hilarious! my favourite for now it's the one where they taste and make makgeolli ☺️ I really like when idols make this kind of variety shows!

noooooooooo inseoooooonnngg 😫 i rlly hope everyone tests negative idc if promotions have to be delayed..i just want them to be ok

yeah i’m rlly loving the sound n feel of it! are u going to be awake for the release? i’m going to be sleeping its release like 2am for me n i have work😭 i want to gif the mv but i get unmotivated n lazy when i see so many gifs of the same thing already but idk we’ll see lol😆

drunk jaeyoon was so funny i loved those two eps! him n inseong r such a comedic duo i love it theyve got great chemistry !

same i love it when groups do this sort of thing too. i think it gives them more freedom then when they do shows like weekly idol or knowing bros. eliminates the middle man 😌

[imyourforeverbestfriendarmygurl]

I woke up at 4:30 and can't sleep Idk if I should post this or not but people might get the wrong context and idea you know..but since I'm already awake and for sure nobody's reading this let's just post it anyway and regret again later, I can't get confuse I told you from the last post but I told my friends about something and they were like "brah why you settle for less? Why you allow this? Why you want that?" TbH Idk..I have no solid answers Idk why I let him, actually idk why him in the 1st place, you know actually we all know that the love is there but why is it not enough? I'm at a point in my life where I just wanna be happy but my mind won't stop stressing about it, idk I'm not stress or I don't wanna be but still everytime/everyday I'm expecting maybe (a lil bit) I know he told me not to expect anything, but I'm overwhelmed with everything that is happening now I think im OA already,but look at our conversation on FB:

I told him that the delivery guy earlier is cute and handsome then he said "you shuda grab the name and add him on FB maybe he's your the one" like bbooiii if you're jealous you could've just admitted you're jealous why say things like that..makes it complicated for everyone now no one knows if you're legit jealous or what.. then after this:

I said " sorry I got excited, why you suddenly giving me away?" He said "why say sorry you're not mine in the 1st place" why do you have to say that? Like boiii stfu seriously you wanted to make this a big deal? Have I done anything wrong to you besides this? Do I deserve an "in you face " kind of statement..like I know I'm not yours.. and I dint say I am.. also I know that I'm such a loser for all this but still I'm choosing to be this all over again, I'm ranting here because I'm trying not to send him a message and fight with him, this is my only platform to release because I've learned my lesson the moment I've messaged him, he wouldn't understand and all he's gonna say to me is "that's not what I meant" then I'll be more pissed because now its gonna be my fault again, that I don't understand that's not what he meant when clearly he "in your face" me, then we'll fight, then he's not gonna message me, then I am left wondering what I did again. He's always saying people get the wrong message everytime he's trying to say something/ miscommunication and I know like 100% of the time we're always doing that so by all means I shud know that it's not what he meant. He dint intend to hurt me, he's probably just stating facts, but I hate the fact.

Then he told me he's getting soar throat so I ended up worried again asking him to drink medicine and take good care of himself, I always end up being caring and concern about his welfare but he doesn't probably care, idk after all the efforts eh idk this Guy is so confusing, hes always saying things he dint mean like boiii don't say it if you don't mean it.. like seriously now I'm questioning the fact that you've told me you love me.. is it not what you meant too? Idk.. don't judge him okay, he's really a good guy it's just sometimes I'm losing shit and I can't handle him. I'm so normal and understanding that I had to adjust since I always understand, sometimes I'm even questioning if I even deserve this? Maybe not. But idk anymore..he's so honest and frank about things you shouldn't be frank about and keeps the good words to himself..like booiii choose your words..maybe it's just me.. I'm too sensitive for that.. sometimes hes always reminding me to not take things negative because for those who doesn't know I'm a negastar all I think is negative.. I can't control at some point I'll think of negativity, sadness, I'll be down so sudden, I'll be ranting randomly, you know drama. But after a while will regret, that's why I don't wanna message him cause I know I'll regret it in the end, I said so many hurtful words towards him last 2018 and I regret it, he doesnt even deserve to be treated that way that's why 2019 I said okay enough of fighting him, nagging him, forcing him to do things on my way will let him take over and he did take over 2020 it's just that you know at some point you can't resist to not rant and be pissed also if your trying to control yourself... like seriously the equation is easy why do you have to go hard? You know like you're seeing the word on word search but can't tell him that because its him taking over so let him be. I'm really sleepy right now by the way it's already 5:30 am I think I'll stop ranting and go back to sleep lol my eyes are kind of giving up already lol okay nough said goodnight :)

[blooming-cecilia]

noms . thank you for the meal

he's so good at being mysterious when he wants to be. it's both something that you find that you like and hate about him. he's intriguing, the answers that hide behind those knowing eyes is his own brand of charm that really makes you want to dive into them to reach out and grasp them in your own hands. just when you're about to grab onto any answers or even just hints, he'll pull them in deeper, to a place you can't follow, leaving you to desperately swim back to the surface to breathe in air again.

and it infuriates you because you know damn well you're as clear as the blue skies above him, an open book he's memorized from cover to cover—there is nothing left for you to hide from him and yet you're left with not a single hint or clue to the mystery that is venti. what exactly is he trying to hide from you so desperately?

that vision,,, hes such a menace honestly... can he not 😭😭😭

and yeah!! he's one of my faves as well, i kinda relate to him a bit, aaand my friend says i remind her of him bc we both like to read and have bad haircuts 🙄 /j

JEJDJJSS I RELATE TO THAT SO BAD,,

i used to listen to character asmrs more often until i started being eeeeh character asmrs are kinda cringy and thats why i avoided the luma's ventis when i get them suggested

turns out they all just mostly characterized the character terribly and thats why when i listened to luna's, everything was just. so good

and ooh those are such good audios yes yes

i'm very fond of the "venti cuddles and kisses you awake" one too + home date + the neko listener one ,,, is surpsingly a favorite of mine ,, it just hits different

i'll have to relisten to the reverse comfort one though,, i hardly remember what its abt bc i tend to skip the audios that i know have smth sad in it bc i dont wanna hear him crying while im doing my dailies,,, im weak🏃🏃

dragonspine + maid + hot springs all just. destroy me daily actually. theyre also some of my go to's jwjejkwjd

NWHXJSJ PLS THATS SO FUNNY BC I ALSO JUST ??? DIDNT REALLY THINK MUCH OF HIM UNTIL I WAS LIKE. now wait hold on. hes pretty, sure. but now? hes really really Really pretty.

and like. that came out of NOWHERE?

i've always thought he was neat and funny since mond archon quest and have always wanted him since i wasnt able to pull the first time (i think i was too busy actually playing thr story to understand the wish system yet + maybe not enough primos)

but all of a sudden, completely out of NOWHERE. i constantly started thinking about him 24/7??? i just fell in love and it's ruined me ever since

and yes, my internet friends (+ some irls lol) do support me aha ,, we're all a bunch of yume (self-insert) enthusiasts so ofc they understand it, but i guess i'll just always be shy showing off any interest of mine, i even got made fun of (/lh) that i acted like i was into a red flag character when venti is hardly one in the first place and i just,, JEJCJSNDBB ,,

i'm very glad u have supportive friends too <33

PLEASEE ,, im happy that we have crumbs from the vas but i just need one (1) canon song please . Please. mhy. you cant just make a bard character and not let him sing!!

IMAGINE HIM PINCHING YOUR CHEEKS AND SQUISHING YOUR FACE

JSJFJJSJ THAT SPELL,,, that's kind of what venti does in that audio i suggested actually and ykw im weak for that still

his fishy friends will always stay ssafe as long as he's there!

OH THAT'S CALLED FOOT POPPING.... okay i didnt know and YES U ARE SO RIGHT HE WOULD,, he wouldnt even know he does it until someone else points it out mwndjs

happily ever afters with venti.... <3

he's already a disney princess you bet it'll be super magical and he'll be extra dramatic with the kiss sequence but let him live!!! it's his wedding and happily ever after!!!

and yes, absolutely. venti's a great listener—often preferring to listen to you and your thoughts and experiences— and on top of that he's got a millenia's worth of experiences, i think he'd be more or less qualified to give good life advice at least

and his hugs will immediately cure you of any sadness, guaranteed!

and yes! soft angst very good,, just really mild arguments that blow up into huge cuddlefests. he just wants so much comfort,,

and omg yes. YES. either of them jealous PLEASE I WANT MORE ,, both of those are one of my faves too,, such top tier prompts for either of them..

ALSO I DID LOL (kinda)

it's not any actual vows and i was just playing off of what u said, but i imagine them to start off normally, maybe recite it from the heart or from a piece of paper and then venti goes "i cant wait to hear u snoring every single night now" and windblume is like. "are you seriously doing this to me right now? on my wedding?" "what? it's true!! and besides, you're cute even when you drool on the pillows too—" "DO YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE YOU STANDING HERE ALONE BECAUSE I WILL."

like i really can imagine them just start kind of arguing at the front like theyre not in front of their own families and friends 😭

all the req ideas on luna’s livestream is driving me insane