#im starting to doubt how much of this is nonfiction

[nerdby]

What kind of dumbass motherfucker travels to one of the most remote islands IN THE WORLD in the middle of fucking MONSOON SEASON???

Regarding The Last Island by Adam Goodheart

[sillyyuserr]

A deep dive on the contrasting themes of tbhk (misogyny/breaking gender stereotypes) 🖊️

Tbhk or better know as Toilet-bound hanako kun is a manga both written and illustrated by two woman, that is semi-nonfiction-fiction. It uses themes and/or topics of the supernatural, yet taking place in an accurate highschool setting. The creators of Tbhk, AidaIro, are both presumably in their late 20s, as a past work of theirs, was made in 2011, when they were still students. if we estimate they were both 15 in 2011, they would be 28-29 years old respectively. Despite being on the younger side, and despite both being girls, AidaIro seems very traditional in the sense of norms and values. Yet, they seem open to breaking those same values.

for example, many gender norms are broken. Those being:

Akane/Aoi. This relationship trope has been set up to be the very one sided obsessed type. And it’s not very common to see the guy, be the hopelessly obsessed one. Akane, in a primarily female dominated field.

Kou. A key trait of his is that he’s always cooking or cleaning. He’s the housekeeper, he’s an incredible cook, and he takes care of his little sister. That being a primarily female dominated field.

the contrast to those being: sexism. Examples:

The woman in this manga, do practically nothing. Despite the main character being female, trust me when i say Nene did more heavy lifting in the PILOT CHAPTER.

we don’t see much individuality from any of the woman. Yes aoi’s getting some from akane but at the end of the day you can clearly see no doubt they’re still getting together. Despite all her character growth she’s still just a soon to be wife. And i hate that. I hate that so bad. She had a whole arc where she separated herself from Akane, only spoke to Nene, really stood her ground with boys, only for her to end up right back with him cut it OUTT.

And don’t even get me started on the infantilization of every single woman. I love akane but COME ON. I don’t remember exactly where it is but he’s said things like oh i’d never lay a FINGER on a girl implying he’d never hit a girl which like ok polite thank you but i feel like that shows that he don’t see woman/girls as other people, he views them as more fragile, and that its such a sin to throw a punch at a GIRL. But for guys? nahh nahh he’ll fuck up teru anyday.

Get your twig ass arm away he’s on the other side of the damn QUARRY as you guys smh..

The literal SECOND aoi picks up a sword he takes it from her fucking hands LORD

akane, my guy, that look was so warranted you lucky she’s polite i woulda beat you ass

she even said she knew how to use it he’s just so self righteous FUCK ALL OF YOU

Her ass was NOT playin!!!

Another aspect could be every female character (excluding Tiara) (duh) having a love interest.

EX. Aoi, akane

Nene, hanako/kou

fucking no.2, misaki

every mother in the story ( - Aoi’s), her husband no willing single mothers, just depressed divorced ones. No #feminism#singlemom at all. Aoi’s moms whole character is being divorced, Mitsuba’s moms whole character is being a widow, yet Minamoto’s father (despite being entirely absent) is not known for also being widowed? His wife is dead and he’s not seen as a struggling parent. The single father gets sm grace but he’s clearly having a hard time parenting his own children. Kou doesn’t even set up a spot at their table for him. He’s literally just not there.

Theres a lot more that could be said, but i’m going to just leave it here i’m tired 😭

ALSO I WAS SUPPOSED TO POST THIS WAYY EARILER ABOUT 2 WEEKS EARLIER BUT IM PREPPING FOR EXAMS and i got jumped twice

[cal-daisies-and-briars]

🔮🔮🔮🔮🔮🔮🔮🔮🔮🔮🔮🔮(they’ve gained perspective! They’re gonna talk it through and come out of this stronger! Love that for them!)

🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟(A lion attack?!??!? Poor chris my sweet baby i just want that child safe!)

🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼(very fascinating setup im intrigued!)

36 for 🔮 (HELL YEAH THEY ARE):

---

“I’m sorry I didn’t just explain that earlier,” Bobby says. “I’m sorry I let you think… Well, I don’t exactly know what you thought but obviously it hurt you.”

Buck shakes his head. “I forgive you.”

So easily. His anger burns so bright when he is angry. His forgiveness comes so readily. Bobby’s not sure if he’s worthy of it. 

“Thank you, Buck.” 

“You should tell me, though,” Buck says. “If it happens again.”

Bobby sighs. “Buck…”

“Look, I get it,” Buck interrupts. “I saw you, back then. I know you struggle to talk about some of it. I’m not asking for that. I’m just saying, you can tell me, so I can be there for you.”

“That’s not your job,” Bobby tells him. 

“Well you can’t have it both ways,” Buck protests. “I want it to be my job, Bobby. I’m not actually a kid.” 

Damn it. That’s… Well, that’s completely solid logic that Bobby can’t refute without being unfair. Oh, he hates that. 

He thinks back to the day of the funeral. What Buck must have seen of him. A child who hated himself, who was grieving, who had just discovered that alcohol made that go away. Who was so angry and scared and alone. Here Buck is still. Just like Athena has seen the worst of him, and remained. Strangely enough, Bobby thinks back to that afternoon, catatonic in his childhood bedroom, and although he knows he was alone, he has the memory of a warm hand on his shoulder. He’s never remembered that before. 

---

75 for 🧟 (Yesssss scary times!):

---

Buck knows that he’s hiding. 

Who wouldn’t? He feels like a little kid put on time out. Not that there’s been any actual punishment for him, aside from the radio being taken away. Hen has made it clear no one is going to hold it against him. I understand why you did it, she’d said. But still. He’s embarrassed. He feels foolish. Everyone thinks it was a desperate, futile attempt at something he will never accomplish. Everyone thinks Maddie is just another person he’s lost for good. 

So Buck is hiding in his room. 

He’s reading. He has so much to read, after all. He’s been going through the nonfiction books topic by topic. Right now he’s on music. Just anything the library has. He’s reading a biography of Fela Kuti, which is kind of blowing his mind. He knew nothing at all about him before picking up the book. He had to see if the library had any CDs of his music, which it does! He’s playing it on an old boom box. 

Saxophone filling his ears, knowledge transferring from page to Buck’s brain like a scanner, Buck can feel himself starting to calm down. He’s discovered learning is a bit meditative for him. He never did well in school. Never thought he was smart. Now he thinks he might just learn differently. Karen says so, anyway. She says he’s “probably brilliant, actually.” First person to say that, no doubt. It’s a shame, Buck thinks. He had to discover this thirst for knowledge at the end of the world. He’s not sure there will ever be new books. He’s not sure the internet will ever come back. He mourns a version of himself that might have thrived, with the right support. 

Laying on his mattress, music loud, book hovering above his face, Buck almost doesn’t hear the knock on his door. He’s pretty absorbed. The knock comes once, twice, and finally a third time before Buck catches it. 

“Uh, come in!” Buck calls. 

The door opens and Bobby steps in. 

Fuck. 

Buck sits up. He puts the book down, open, spine up. 

“Oh. Hi, Bobby.”

Bobby looks distraught. Buck worries he’s still pissed. He worries that he’s thought more about it, and has come to chew Buck out some more. 

He doesn’t.

“Buck, I… I don’t know how to explain…”

“What?” Buck asks. His spine goes rigid. “What’s happened? Is everyone okay?”

He thought Athena’s daughter was improving! 

“Everyone’s fine. Relatively.” Bobby says. “Buck, I’m sorry… I…”

“Bobby, what?” Buck begs. 

“There are people here for you.” Bobby says. “Looking for you.”

Buck goes numb. “Wh-what?”

“One of them says she’s your sister.”

“M-Maddie?” Buck asks, not really believing it. Didn’t everyone imply it was never going to happen?

---

24 for 🔼 (Thank you!):

---

 “But you don’t live in our house.”

Shannon winces a little. “No, Chris. I don’t.”

“So where will the baby live?”

“We still have a while to figure that out.” Eddie tries to move away from this topic. 

“Are you going to live in our house?” Chris asks. 

“I don’t think so, Christopher,” Shannon says quietly. 

Christopher’s face starts to go a little red. 

“Chris,” Eddie says. “I know you have a lot of questions-”

“No, I don’t want it.” Chris interrupts.

“What?” Shannon asks. 

“I don’t want the baby.” Chris says. “I don’t want a brother or sister.”

Eddie sighs. Fuck. He’d been too young to feel this way about Sophia, but he certainly had his reservations about Adriana. He was just a little younger than Chris when his mom told him about her third pregnancy.

[jewpacabruhs]

I was reading your tags and please, for the love of God, write a Mafia AU. I haven't been able to find any good ones.

i wanna so bad! i find organized crime fascinating, & i’m also a big movie nerd, with crime films being my fav genre, so im super into that sorta thing. definitely would love to see it, but o boy, maybe ill jus write it myself?? gotta do everythin myself haha

i’d def go the historical route, so it’d be interesting to try to both apply characters that are firmly rooted in 90s/2000s behaviors & beliefs, and stick them in the 1900s. oh, boy, writing historical stuff is a pain. so much research. worth it tho, if it’s done well. aye, and it’ll be cool to try to keep it as nonfictional as possible. like, attempting to insert the kids (as adults, obvs) into crime history. i wonder if i could do tht? it’d be fun. it’s definitely uncharted waters. there’s a lot of potential there.

but, hmm, i think mafia aus are so rare in fandom (not just the sp fandom, but across the board) bc they contradict everything that’s popular in fanfic. mob aus would feature violence, business, finances, and corruption. whereas fics prefer cuddles, leisure time, a world where money aint an issue, and wholesomeness. and considering the majority of fic is written by horny and/or love-starved teenage girls who dont know or care about the aforementioned subjects, it makes sense. kinda a bummer, but understandable. in the defense of like everyone, lmao, those sorta fics take a lot of planning, & aint nobody got time. so i get it.

oof i think a major thing too is how gay-centric fic/fandom is, when the mobster world is undeniably a heterosexual one. thats an issue. shit, i wonder how many gay characters i could get away with while keeping it realistic. i mean, im sure there were gay mobsters, in fact i’ve read about a couple, but the lifestyles did not go hand in hand, lol.

IM STUPID NO ONE CARES ABT THIS DUMB SHIT HERES IDEAS

i’m thinking 1940s new york. im inclined towards kyman, as u probs kno, but again, the gay thing. huh. maybe i can figure it out. maybe theyre young bachelors, and theyre business partners & fuck around sometimes. we’ll see. anyway. if we’re gonna include all characters….

cartman would pull a goodfellas - he’s of, what, german descent? hell, considering his parents, he probably wouldn’t even exist in this universe. eh. well. he’d def be from yorkville, manhattan, cuz tht was a german neighbourhood. anyway he’d weasel into the italian mob, bc he’d be into the idea of 1) exorbitant amounts of money, and 2) being feared/respected. his authoritah! psh. and someone would notice how smart he is & mentor him, regardless of nationality. he’d quickly make enemies, though, because he’s rude & brash. he’d also quickly become one of the most respected young dons (would he reach that level, without a family? doubt it. he’d have to become a made man, which i believe is reserved exclusively for italians ….. ehhhh ill figure it out. maybe he’d branch out, start his own crime family. that’d be interesting. ooo.) damn, ukno, i think the 40s would make a real interesting character out of cartman. huh. yah, that’d be cool to explore, how that time period would shape him. like i said, he likely wouldt even exist. did the denver broncos exist back then? doubt it

kyle would get wrapped up in the jewish mob (which existed, and which i’d personally l o v e to be a part of lol - if i was born 100 years ago), maybe while trying to protect ike from getting involved? that’d be cool. maybe he’d demonstrate his brains & be offered a job as an accountant or an attorney, and he’d be forced to comply, either bc 1) his fam was threatened if he declined, or 2) his fam was doing bad financially & needed it. maybe both. hell, maybe he avoids the jewish mob & gets involved with the others. MAYBE IKE IS THE ONE IN THE JEWISH MOB & WANTS HIS BROTHER BACK FROM THE ITALIANS. OOOOOOOOO also they’d be from brooklyn, likely, bc that’s where jews were primarily located back then. u kno there was 400k jews in new york in 1899?? including my great great great grandparents. that’s a shit ton of jews lol. lil fun fact for ya. 

wait ok so oof this is hard now, bc the mob was primarily divided into three chunks - the italians, the jews, & the irishmen. there was also the puerto ricans, but that was, like, a different division. i’m mentioning this because nationality was important to mobsters, to all organized crimes groups actually, but south park doesn’t make a habit of mentioning what countries each character’s ancestors came from, lol. so it’d be a lot of writer interpretation. and that’s cool and all, but doesn’t give me much to work with, considering most of the kids are white and likely german/england-descended. 

i could make kenny & butters irish. that’d work. i think kenny’s last names irish, actually. they could be from hell’s kitchen, which had a p hefty irish-american population. maybe i could make stan irish, too. wendy might be able to pass for italian (little italy manhattan??? maybe the bronx??? im tryna think geography lol. for scale.). that’d work, if i wanted to put some stendy in there, bc i love making stan the token het guy, haha. maybe wendys dad marries her off to stan to form an alliance between the italians & irish. that’d be interesting. maybe cartman was rallying to get wendy to marry him, bc he needed to marry someone bc of, like, societal expectations, & she was the only girl who caught his interest. maybe he declares war on stan, to win back the bride he wants. maybe kyles best friends w stan, tht happened somehow, & interjects. goes to meet cartman to discuss a way out - ohhhhh theres my kyman babay!!! oooooo!!!

omg. plot forming. this is def an interesting concept. maybe i can use it as a chance to write a plot-oriented fic that doesn’t rely heavily on ships. that’d be awesome. i’ve wanted to do that for ages.

maybe we can squeeze christophe in as a french immigrant, maybe an associate of someone. same with gregory, but, like, british. that’d be fun. craig & tweek can be somewhere in there, too. associates of cartman or something. maybe they own a brothel. oooh. who else. bebe! maybe she can be a cabaret dancer who someone falls for. nothin wrong w hetero nonsense if it’s done right & if it aint nonsense. yah? maybe she can be ken’s love interest. also maybe token & nichole can be in there somewhere, from harlem?

this sounds fun as fuck, though, def. im really obsessed with new york right now, so maybe writing this could be a love letter to its history. that’d be dope. ooh, and im from las vegas actually, born & raised, so maybe i could do a chapter set there, considering the mob was very influential in the strip’s development. that’d be rad. holy heck. im excited abt this now. gotta finish oboitd asap & get into this, haha.

o shit. i jus realized, like, just how much research i’d have to do. like, not only about organized crime, abt 40s slang & dress, abt new york, abt everything. oooh boy this is a Project

ill get on that eventually haha, im into it now. it’s 4am rn tho so ima sleep, gnite anon

[norepinephrine]

Current emotional energy

I’m slowly able to enjoy writing long msgs again, although sporadically, still. My emotional energy is coming back and God is healing me slowly. Stressful thing #1: Sometimes people ask to hang out and I don’t even know when I can meet them. I only have 2 social things every week, other than church and work, and 1 is always for ethan. So the 2nd social thing is usually taken already, and I’m so behind on catching up with everyone. I”M SO DONE. Whenever i hang out with people, i feel really inspired and grateful. But just THINKING about the back log of all the ppl i need to see... so done. The thought of “i wish i had no friends” ACTUALLY runs through my brain sometimes. Although i’d never wish that to come true, it really shows my attitude and current energy level. It's gotten to the point where i cant even really enjoy tv shows or action-packed anime.. I only have interest in watching funny shows now. No emotional energy to be really attached to fictional characters. I lost all interest in good award-winning anime, and movies. The only new show I can watch now is ‘Stranger Things’ but it’s on hold for now. For reading, it’s been only nonfiction. Making more progress on ‘celebration of discipline’, but that’s about it.

Stressful thing #2: Replying messages. When i’m with someone in person, i can give them my attention. But when im not with someone in person, it takes so much effort to reply msgs these days. Feel so guilty sometimes because sometimes it’s me asking ppl for help, or they tell me about themselves, and i just forget to reply. Usually it’s because when im not with that person, i’m focussing on the task/person at hand, and then i rest, and don’t have energy to reply when im resting. I just don’t understand why this is happening to me now. I never had this problem before? I mean, i used to talk to all my friends through super long msgs and none of it bothered me, until now...  So this, plus seeing less ppl now, means im becoming distant from some friends. I don’t know how to get out of this... God, you are the only one that show me the answer to these circumstances, and the way to interpret them properly, in a true way not confounded by my feelings or self doubt. 

New thing: ANYWAYS so today i was really bored and trapped indoors for work, so i started watching TED talks again!!! What better way to spark creativity and be inspired than by learning more fun facts. There was 1 exam season where i procrastinated studying and took study breaks by watching TED talks... it was such a good alone time. Since then, i’ve had no interest in TED talks again, so it’s nice to get back into it now. God actually answered my unspoken question of, “What can I watch for tv these days?”

Calendar: Ever since January 1, I’ve been writing what i did, who i saw, and how 1-3 words to describe how i felt that day. I guess i’ll call it my ‘energy calendar’. It’s been cool to look at the squares and see how i felt and some patterns are starting to emerge. Im really grateful that ethan suggested this to me and it actually works for me.

[citrus-feline]

now i like wanna talk about this, cuz im remembering just how much shit i went through doing homework every night

serious homework probably started in like 4th or 5th grade where we had to read, which i didn’t mind cuz i had like 2 friends and the nonfiction books i read comforted me, but i know it went bad w a lot of other kids.

when we got to middle school the difference was so fucking shocking that i remember i just couldn’t believe it. little me, the lonely shy girl with two friends who was considered a little bit smarter than average, felt herself feeling incredibly fucking worthless over the sheets of papers each night. she tried so hard to do a good job, but it felt like it wasnt doing anything. she started avoiding because all she would get on the pages were her name and tears.

i remember how terrifying my homeroom class in 6th grade was. my homeroom teacher was strict, and would get mad if you didn’t do homework. she was also my math and science teacher, so i couldn’t really... escape her... i remember like. being so scared every time i walked in that classroom. i would freeze up and my eyes would start to water. even if i DID manage with the homework, i knew i wouldn’t get a good grade. because i wasn’t good enough. and thats... really not healthy for a kid to think at such an important time in their life...

it didn’t stop when i entered 7th grade and had new teachers, either. it kept getting worse, actually. so it wasn’t the teacher specifically, it was more so the pressure and amount of work. i was a pretty smart kid, so i could usually manage passing classes by smarts alone, but my inability to effectively do homework hurt my grades a lot. and i tried, every night. i ALWAYS tried. i didn’t give up. i was forced to stop when i couldn’t handle it. i would have near breakdowns every night if i didn’t understand something completely or if it was too much for me. and being so shy and anxious, i couldn’t ask for help. and the very few times i worked up the courage to do it anyways, it always just made me feel worse.

8th grade, oh boy. oh fucking boy was 8th grade GOOD (sarcasm). that’s when math started to become so difficult with the content + workload that i could not even look at it. that was the point where i, for the most part, didn’t do anything outside of class. i tried sometimes, but i felt so stupid not understanding stuff that i would start crying and not be able to read clearly. near the end of the year i started to get stuff together. i made big pushes and put in TONS of extra work to understand what i was missing, because i didn’t think i was going to pass with just smarts that time. it looked impossible, because i didn’t know most of the stuff in the first place. so i did a SHIT TON of work; most of which i finished several missing homework assignments within one night, i specifically remember spending HOURS working on it. i stayed up until about midnight working and barely took any breaks. now, keep in mind, my main reason for doing this? fear. fear of being worthless. fear of failing and not being able to live with that. so, i did the work. for hours and hours until i was so tired that i had to stop. and when i came to class the next day to turn it in, we were cleaning our binders out. you see, in my EXTREME SLEEP DEPRIVATION, i made the horrible mistake of throwing out the work i spend all fucking night working on. and when i realized this, i started freaking the FUCK out. see, i was a kid who usually kept to myself unless i was with a friend. so me having such a serious meltdown in front of my entire math class? not fucking normal. i rummaged in the recycling bin for minutes, starting to cry and shake in front of the entire class cuz the bin was at the front of the room. and my teacher? she looked like she thought i was lying with every fiber of my being. i had NEVER shown her that much emotion, let alone the people in my class, and yet i bawled my eyes out so hard that i was taken out of the room. i got zero credit for the stuff too. im pretty sure i just barely passed with a low D. i had some similar experiences with my social studies class, but thankfully i retained the information in class much better so i passed fine.

each year it would get worse and worse. freshman year was the year i first hurt myself. it was for no reason other than punishing myself for my lack of worth. after that i finally started getting some professional help, so the experiences weren’t as easy to pick out, but i still remember the FEELING of just EXISTING and how awful i felt about it. walking the halls in high school was the most horrible feeling, especially if i didn’t have friends with me. i would silently think about everything wrong with me. i would even try to silence my footsteps if it was quiet because i didn’t want other students to hear my weight, of all fucking things. with all of this, homework was still an issue. i tried a lot of different things. different ways to organize, study, etc. and the constant changing both hurt and helped, in many different ways.

i thought after a while i had figured it out, and i wouldn’t be bothered anymore by it, but WHOOP SENIOR YEAR!!! FINISHING MY DEPRESSING ANXIETY FILLED SCHOOLING WITH A BANG!! my depression got so severe my second semester of senior year that i skipped almost every class that i didn’t need to pass in order to graduate. i switched to online classes with english classes. and with the finance classes i decided “i need to go to school at least a little so i should keep this” and oh boy was that an interesting choice. like the fiasco w 8th grade math, i had trouble with finance. especially because if you missed a day of class, you missed an entire core lesson and had to catch up on your own. thankfully our teacher understood that was hard and gave us review days a lot for us to ask questions, so through other people asking questions, i had my own questions answered for the most part. but there was still shit i didn’t get. and he was a nice teacher, he tried to help and coordinate with me to get things done. the problem was that i had to be there for so much of it. if it was all online, i would have been fine. but i missed quizzes and tests that had to be monitored to ensure i didn’t cheat using the internet or my phone. and motivation for me? super super low. the worst it had ever been (saying that in past tense cuz recently my motivation has been so low that i havent even gotten out of bed most days but thats besides the point)....... i barely passed it, in the end. i didn’t even know if i would graduate or not, to be honest. i was so close that i knew if i did bad enough on my final, it might drag me down the small amount between passing and failing. i like started crying with relief when i saw my name on the list of graduating students.

anyways this was really long. but. school was fucking tough for me. i tend to just think about the most recent years but i’ve had serious issues with school since i was a kid. when the workload got to be too much, i started to break down. and with each year, it got heavier and heavier. i never really had much of a childhood in the first place cuz of my lack of my mom, so having the rest of the waning about being taken from school really drove that knife in deep.

i like sincerely believe that i will always have issues because of what happened in school. like, yeah, i’d probably still have my mental illness even if things weren’t like that, but would my self worth still be so fucking low? i kinda doubt it. i honestly feel like i would be a much happier person if i didn’t go through so much during school.