#im sorry to everyone who has to deal with menstration

[legolasvegas]

Not “girls are tougher because we can do everything boys can do but in heels” but “girls are tougher because we have to do everything boys do while we are on our period”

[shanmarie2129]

I do not preach often. I do not offend easily. I have a big mouth and my opinions are strong but most of the time I keep the strong female ideals to myself. My opinions and feelings on those topics tend to surprise people and are not always what my “loved ones” expect. Where as this is neither here nor there for me I do not like to use the little time that I spend with these people justifying or arguing or even discussing such intense issues. In fact before social media I rather enjoyed not knowing most people’s opinions on such heavy topics. There isn’t much that gets me riled up. I tend to be able to ignore people’s uneducated opinions and comments for the most part but this has had my mind occupied for the past few days and I just can seem to shake it. I went and got my hair done last week and was able to not only get some time to myself but also got to spend some time with some amazing ladies. We shared some gut wrenching laughs and some rather emotional conversation. As most know I had a baby a month ago. A beautiful girl. It was a beautiful surprise to be pregnant again. The pregnancy was tough. The labor was tough and the recovery was toughest. In discussing my ups and downs we were amused by some of the bizarre questions and behaviors people show to pregnant women. Let’s start with the most common and yet most invasive.

Touching the belly. Now I’ve been lucky. I only recall one uncomfortable belly touch and it was in my first pregnancy. I work behind a bar and I have for almost twenty years. I am protected from human touch more often than not due to my career. So when it happened I think my reaction said it all. Between jumping a mile out of my skin and my facial expression I made it quite apparent that I don’t want to be touched ever, pregnant or not, without some serious warning and we better have drank out of the same cup or have gone to the bathroom together if I’m allowing you to touch me. It always caught me off guard a little when anyone would touch my belly especially a strange women, even more a strange man!! Hands to home!

Then there are the questions. Why in this day in age with all the knowledge that we have about the struggles to conceive a child or the surge of female independance in a world of choice do we ask all these damn invasive questions.

“Oh you just got married?, when are you having a baby? Are you pregnant yet? When are you gonna get pregnant?”

Or if you’ve had a baby....

“When is number two on the way? Are you gonna have any more? How many babies will you be having?!”

Listen Helen! What is my last name?! Shit what is my first name? When did you lose your virginity? Are you still menstrating? Can you imagine if I asked if a stranger was menstrating? Working with the public these questions have come up often. I have learned that most people aren’t doing it to be rude or inappropriate. People are just simply irresponsible with their questions and most people lack total self awareness. I have gotten these questions often enough where I have learned how to deal with them.

Sometimes I’ll just be harshly honest.

“When are you having baby number two?”

“Not sure Helen, wasn’t supposed to be able to have the first one!”

That one shuts people down quick. Like what does that mean? Did the government deam her not fit to have children? Did her ovaries roll across the playground in grade school never to be found? Did she have a child once but returned it after 90 days because she wasn’t completely satisfied? I have usually only responded in this manner to people who I considered to be comfortable learning more and whom I’m comfortable with or to someone so uncomfortable I knew it would stop there. Sometimes in the midst of a large crowd when this question would appear, and you’d be surprised how many times it has while I’m four deep (at the bar), I just yell

“I have a thin uterus George!”

That shuts the crowd up, but also gives me an extra 15 seconds to grab some tips off the bar or take another order.

Now my personal favorite is a guarantee shut down. People will go silent. “Congratulations on your nuptials. When are you going to get pregnant?!”

“Well, that’s in the Lord’s hands.”

And just walk away.

Leaves people speechless everytime. You see for whatever reason nobody wants to talk about religion these days. People want to talk about everything. Abortion, sexual assault, even my thin uterus. But for whatever reason religion shuts them up. Even the religious ones. How come? Maybe because they don’t want to crush two dreams at once. Maybe because they don’t know anything about religion or they don’t want to know anymore about yours. Who cares you have ended the conversation.

Or how about this, which until last week I wasn’t aware was a thing people did.

You’re pregnant with your second child and someone asks what you’re having. You respond with; “Im having a boy.” “Congratulations, what do you already have?” “A boy.” “Ooo I’m so sorry.”

What?!! You’re sorry?! I said a boy Karen not the spawn of satan! Why are you apologizing? It is a baby. Where maybe I had a twinge of disappointment, in which in my case I didn’t, I am happy to have a happy healthy baby. Or maybe I did not want a girl. Maybe my dream was to have a house full of boys! My own NFL team perhaps. People are strange. They always want to know the name too. Sometimes I think just to make a face or criticize. I prefer to see the judgement on their faces after the baby is born. It is more uncomfortable for them. I could go on for days about the comments people make or the questions they ask. Most of them are out of kindness and curiosity. I know people aren’t trying to be malicious. Yet some of these questions are invasive.

You are having a csection....why, How long are you working, are you coming back to work? Did you gain this much weight the first time? Should you eat that? It goes on and on. But here is the one that got me the most angry. The reason for writing this.

I went home and told my husband about some of these conversations. He responds with this. Brace yourself. “

“A lot of people have asked me if you’re breastfeeding.”

“Really?!” “

“Yeah and it makes me a little uncomfortable.”

Um yeah!!! Why in gods name are people asking my husband if I’m breastfeeding? First off it makes me uncomfortable when certain people ask me. Why is it anyone’s business how I feed my child? You should only be concerned if I’m not feeding her. And why are you asking my husband. Person that doesn’t know me why are you asking? Are you planning on wet nursing for me to give me some relief? Are you going to purchase some of my favorite nipple cream? Are you even going to high give him if he responds the way you see fit? What a strange thing to ask. I feel like it’s being asked because there is no longer a tolerance for shaming breast feeders. That it is a right that we have and we as women will not tolerate being shamed for feeding our children the way nature intended. However I am not breastfeeding. We are formula feeding and we feel your judgement. In a world where feminism has taken over I feel shamed. It is my body and it is my right to feed my child as I want but gasp why are you not breastfeeding? You see it is ok to choose as a women as long as you choose the way they want you too. This isn’t all women. I know that. This is just my immediate most recent experience. And this happens all the time. With more heavy topics and I’m certainly not going there. But this is what I wish people were more aware of. Getting pregnant, being pregnant, not being pregnant, not wanting to be pregnant, breastfeeding, not breastfeeding, and after pregnant is hard for some people. A lot of people. It is personal. It is about strength and tears and challenges. It is about infertility, miscarriages, medications, injections, surgeries, hormones, medical issues, arguments, choices..scary choices. We struggled with infertility. We are now blessed to have two beautiful children. Two more than we thought we could have. Yes we could have looked into adoption. Many people ask that question to people struggling with infertility. We didn’t because my hormones were making me sick and adopting a child when i wasn’t able to care for that child at my best didn’t seem fair. We fixed my hormones and I got pregnant. I explain this only because people have the audacity to shame people for this too. That was our reasons other people have many more. But people do not consider those things before they ask. They assume they know the answers already. These immediate assumptions can be harsh. We have been lucky. Most people have steered clear of invasive judgements and questions to my face. I have thick skin though, not everyone does. Be careful. Be kind. In a world where everything is in our faces and everyone has an opinion it can be detrimental. Be kind. We cannot change the whole world but maybe we can change it at arms length. It’s ok to be curious just make sure your prepared to hear the answers.

Let me give a quick shoutout to the women and men who choose not to have children and should also never have to explain themselves!! That may be a whole different blog.