#im someone who feels like they almost always CONSTANTLY need background noise

[calico-kiwi]

i never thought i’d find myself unironically listening to asmr that wasn’t along the lines of rain sounds, and i definitely didn’t picture myself enjoying it to the point where I’d actively look for it, but i actually really like millie’s asmr streams

like i’m boutta fall asleep, i’m so relaxed. i think ima put these on when i’m boutta go to bed to help me

[pjssometimes]

IM SO HAPPY TO SEE SOMEONE INTERESTED IN MY RANT T-T

I don’t have much to add onto your first points as I feel you’ve hit the nail on the head basically. However seeing your perspective on the UI was quite nice. It definitely can be left up to personal preference. Smt v’s UI is definitely meant to be more discreet as you’d said. It would most definitely be weird for it to have the same pop as persona 5 considering each games themes. I suppose my disappointment in it is that there’s so many different ways to make UI now a days for games. I simply wish the designers had put in meaning behind it? Along with the fact that I don’t feel it’s the most streamlined system it could be. Although that’s a different tangent that has nothing to do with why SMT doesn’t stick as well as Persona. Along with the fact I’m not game designer so it’s not fully my place lol.

I’m so happy you mentioned the music as well! I’d been wanting to add it into my main post however at the time I hadn’t fully listened to SMTs music in the same way I had personas. However between then and now I have. For starters I’d say that both games music fit where they’ve been placed. Some of the music for the boss fights rlly bad me exited in SMT V. Same as music for persona. But I agree when you say Persona music pops within the JRPG industry. I would also say that the genre of music in those games (the jazz, hip-hop, j-pop) also works to keep the games in the public eye because they are simply that good and catchy. For example when watching YouTube videos or streams that may have to do nothing with Persona and Jrpgs I’ll hear persona 5s beneath the mask in the background since they work as fantastic background noise, not to in your face distracting from the video, but still a banger to listen to. I always find myself going ‘oh hey persona 5’ and I’m sure I’m not the only one. I find the almost non-game like music in persona (especially the songs that have lyrics) make it more appealing to the majority to listen too outside of the game. I know myself and many others have persona music in our playlists because it’s that good to simply listen to.

In terms of gameplay… I’d say Persona is alot more friendly? Than SMT? I’d say both games combat systems are good, but SMTs system can be harder to understand and grasp. This may also be partially why the SMT series is labeled a ‘hard’ JRPG. An easier Game System definitely makes new fans connect more Id say. There are exceptions (elden ring) but that’s what I find happens the majority of the time. If a system is to hard to grasp many people won’t wish to pick it up and learn the mechanics. Take this at face value however as I’m personally a little fuzzy on the details and thoughts inside my brain.

My last point kinda connects to the changing team aspect youd mentioned with demon collecting. As you’d said it’s hard to feel connected to a team you need to constantly change. I’d also say that in a way the demon collecting, fusing, essences. Can be overwhelming to new players as well. Hence turning them off as it can be hard to grasp (I cry in persona trying to fuse specfic personas with specific skills for Elizabeth- even with the persona compendium!) so basically having to do that along with changing affinity’s may be a lot. Although this is leaning more towards ‘why people won’t pick up the game/continue it’ I suppose.

Persona is far easier to understand as you’d said. I think partly why this may be especially for the west is that personas story comes first, and then the mythology of the personas adds to it. While mythology is an integral part of SMTs story and characters. This can definitely make it harder for people who don’t care about mythology, or other countries mythology, to have a hard time grasping things. However, personally. I feel that this integral part of SMT in the form of mythology makes SMT unique, and is part of the why it remains a classic. I guess I’m trying to say it has its benefits and drawbacks.

Take this next part with a slight grain of salt. I’d say SMT requires a decent bit of delving, media literacy if you will. While persona (especially 5) slaps you in the face with the themes and ideas and goes ‘pick a side’. Although both of these (again as you’d said lol) have their inherent appeal. Really depends how you like your stories. I suppose it can be said that a it’s far easier to get into something that slaps you in the face, THEN, after dig deeper. Instead of having to dig deep from the start the way SMT makes you

But ya. Both are good games for their own reasons. Both have things that make them unique, that make them good, that may be lacking. It’s definitely just interesting to look at them, look at the distance between popularity and current fanbase and go ‘why?’

Thank you for indulging me! You’re view point was much appreciated!

With SMT V: Vengeance releasing, it got me thinking. Why is persona so much more popular than smt? I mean Go on tik tok and look for persona 5 edits and you’ll find sooo many. Look for smt 5 edits and there’s barely any.

I thought it over just a little, and in my mind (after a small amount of thinking and ZERO research) I think one of the main reasons is that Persona is characters with a story. While SMT is a story with characters. On top of persona looking better.

Further explanation under cut (lil talky talk for anyone interested)

What I mean with ‘Persona is characters with a story’ is that the story is there to drive the characters, and allows the characters to grow. The social link system definitely helps this. You’re connected to the characters in a way that SMT doesn’t allow. I believe that it’s because of these characters that people keep coming back.

SMT is a story with characters however. I find that SMT uses the characters as a way to move the story. The Order and Chaos endings are the main focus. The gods are the main focus. The characters you meet along the way are a means to and end to get to these endings.

We’ll look at Persona 5 and SMT V. For these are the latest games in the series (not including P3R). In persona we watch the characters slowly change. These characters are also usually the motivation behind the story. Ann and Ryuji telling us about how they were abused by Kamoshida. Giving motivation to steal his heart. Yusuke and Madarame. So on so forth. We slowly watch these characters grow and change. However I feel SMT V doesnt do this. The demons threaten the lives of the people in Tokyo, so ofc we as the Nahabino help. There are characters who help us along the way. But they don’t have the same impact as the characters in Persona 5 do. SMT V characters are good, but don’t compare to Persona 5s characters imo

There’s also the ‘flashy-ness’ of persona as compared to SMT. One of the most disappointing things of SMT V for me is the UI. Going from P5R and P3R to SMT V… they just don’t compare, SMT V is lacking. Now I don’t feel this is a complete deal breaker, but it is definitely not working for the game. The games fighting system is also very similar, and I feel Persona just does it better? With all out attacks, baton passes. They’re not completely the same, big difference being having people on the team compared to demons. Along with the MC switching personas on the fly compared to essences. Still they run similar enough to compare.

Now this isn’t to say games that are ‘story’s with characters’ are always bad, or don’t ever stick in people’s minds. I’d also classify Devil May Cry as a ‘story with characters’ type game and you’ll find the fandom for that is still going strong with barely any new content. I just feel that when not executed perfectly it can make it harder for the games to stick.

This also isn’t to say that SMT is a bad series or SMT V doesn’t get love. SMT V is a fantastic game. However I feel the fandom for it is a bit lacking, especially when considering Persona has such a big fandom and is a spin off of the SMT series. So this is my personal take as to why that is.

This line of thinking came about when Hyperfixation got to me and I went to interact with the SMT fandom and noticed how small it was when compared to Persona lmao. Anyways no hate to either series or fans of said series, I love persona and SMT (and also Devil May cry, I own four and five lmao, Nero my beloved-)

Not sure if this make a lot of sense lmao

[shotorozu]

𝐭𝐚��𝐞 𝐦𝐞 𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤

𝔰𝔥𝔦𝔫𝔰𝔬𝔲 𝔥𝔦𝔱𝔬𝔰𝔥𝔦 ᥊ 𝔯𝔢𝔞𝔡𝔢𝔯

𝘀𝘂𝗺𝗺𝗮𝗿𝘆: you find yourself in a bar that you and your ex used to go to regularly. the local bartender calls your ex- shinsou hitoshi; thinking you guys are still together. 

𝗮𝗱𝗱𝗶𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝘁𝗮𝗴𝘀: angst to fluff (happy ending), sfw, pro hero au (aged up), drinking (alcohol mentions and intake) ex to lovers, minor todomomo (not the center of this fic) reader is in the top 5, some swearing. 

𝗹𝗲𝗴𝗲𝗻𝗱: [Y/N = your name, L/N = last name, H/N = hero name, ] f! reader, quirk not mentioned. 

𝗻𝗼𝘁𝗲𝘀: i also did this trope on ao3 with todomomo, so i better not see people think i plagiarized them because.. that’s literally me lol. also! i was very conflicted, bc i also wanted to do this with shouto but since I already have 2-3 fics in the making, i went with hitoshi (but let me know if you wanna see shouto’s version.) 

word count to be added when im not sleep deprived

　　　　　　　　

　　　　　　　　˚✧₊⁎⁎⁺˳✧༚

You swivel down another shot down your throat, not caring of the burn in your nose, nor do you care about the smell of the alcohol. 

You’re never like this, this is not the best representation of yourself, no. This is not who you are as a person, and the way your former classmates look at you with concern when you chug down another shot shows how unusual this is to them.

“Take it easy..” Momo pats your back, and you exhale heavily, putting down the glass. Everyone is certain that you’ll obtain some serious hangover, almost to the point that you’d have to take the morning off to treat your hangover. They’re aware that you’re not this careless, since you're in the top 5 after all. 

But they let you be momentarily, but why you may ask?

Because this is your way of coping a breakup with your boyfriend of 3 and a half years, Shinsou Hitoshi. They’re aware on how hurt you really are, and to be real- they were the ones that asked you to come out with them tonight to distract you. 

“They’ve been going at it for a while, it’s almost concerning.” Tsuyu comments, as she tends to a slightly tipsy Mina, holding her so she doesn’t fall face first into the floor. 

The least they could do is let you be, while you're not totally blacked out.

The local bartender- Maki, looks at you with concern when you order another shot, yet they still give it to you (with the slightest hesitation) since you’re such a good friend to her. (Your rank makes you very respectable, it’s almost intimidating! but your casual friend ship with the bar tender says other wise.) 

But on the contrary, you'd know when you’ve reached the limit, and you’d probably know when they’d start refusing your requests of another shot. 

One by one, their friends depart from the table, either they were too drunk to even handle it so they were brought home, or something came up- everyone could agree that they all had some sort of worry towards their dear friend’s very out of character coping mechanism. 

“I have to go soon,” Momo sighs, when she receives a text from Todoroki- though it’s very obvious that she’s still very concerned for you, considering that she’s the only friend left. “Please take care of Y/N, Maki-san.” 

Maki nods at your black haired friend, and the creation hero looks at you one last time before leaving the bar. 

Lifting your head, your words are slurred as you request for another shot, which seems like the umpteenth time that you requested for a shot. The concerned bartender still attends to your needs, yet- she’s contemplating of calling someone if you ask for another. 

Likewise, you finish that shot in a moment, and you slump down on the table. Eyelids fluttering slowly as your laughter is filled with intoxication, your cheeks are warm from being inebriated from the intake of alcohol. 

You don’t notice how your concerned bartender dials up a number, requesting for them to pick your drunken state. 

     »»————-　➴　————-««

“Did you know the word bed is shaped like one?” 

It’s now past midnight, and you’re mouthing off about something random, the train of thought is endless (but it’s more like a shower thought ramble.) Your fists are deep into your hair- holding your head up so it doesn't hit the table, meanwhile Maki paces back and forth- still tending to other requests from the very few customers left. 

“Now that you’ve mentioned it, yeah.” They answer absentmindedly, “Man, I haven't seen you in nearly 4 months! it’s been a while. You knows how to hold your alcohol so frankly, this is the first time I’ve seen this side of you!” 

“Oh really?” You slur, continuing on to spout out purposeless words.

The bartender’s response is a total blur, words turning into background noises, and a part of you is lucky to still be conscious and still functioning (yet it's barely) 

“..But you hold it well for--” 

You’re also very lucky that you’re a little too under the influence to even register the name.

You didn't know you’d take this breakup with him harshly. The most you were expecting was just.. crying while eating ice cream. 

But no, it was an utter shit hole. 

The door busts open, and the bartender’s expression seems to brighten up “Ah, there you are!” 

You grumble, the bar’s lights causing your eyes to sting- and your head hurts too. You might need some aspirin later.. you close your eyes shut. The bartender is chatting with the unknown person, and frankly- you just wished you didn’t intoxicate yourself this much.

“Y/N,” 

The baritone voice is almost sufficient in sobering you up. Turning to the familiar voice, you see the tall figure, sporting bedraggled purple hair. 

It’s Shinsou Hitoshi. A reason why you’re in such a mess, coping with a breakup in the first place. 

You almost fall off your chair in sudden revelation to the appearance of your ex lover. It was almost like.. your drunken state was making you see things- a possible hallucination maybe? it has to be that. Maybe it’s the side effect of the growing headache?? What was in that shot?

“Ugh, I must be crazy,” You wipe your cheek from slob, your head throbbing from the growing headache. The weary purple head raises an eyebrow, and the bartender is confused by the sudden tension. It's abnormal, alright.

The reason why you broke up was because of his lack of self care. 

Again, it’s not like he was being a shithead and cheating on you, or being a total prick of a boyfriend and neglecting you, and it’s definitely not the other way around either. 

It was probably the opposite. He'd neglect himself for days on end, not caring about himself, and not caring about his own being. It was.. not what you wanted at all. 

You figured just because the both of you are rising up heroes, and also adults- he would’ve gotten a grip of not neglecting himself. 

But even habits like that don’t get old. 

“Hitoshi- seriously, when was the last time you’ve took a breather?” growing slightly irritated by Shinsou’s continuous neglect of his own self care, and also the fact that he’s clinging onto you 24/7. 

“It doesn’t matter.” He shrugs, pinching your cheek. Heck, you should be glad he wants to be with you for the majority of the days. But you can’t tolerate him when he’s constantly complaining about being tired, although making little to no efforts in taking care of himself. Heck- his dark circles got even darker- how is that even possible?

“’Toshi, it really does. You can’t neglect self care.” Your brows furrow when he chooses to ignore your words. “You’re not listening to me.” 

“You should be glad that I want to spend time with you.” 

It stung. What the hell did he even mean by that..?? scoffing, and slightly offended, you reply “That’s not the main issue.” you cross your arms “We’ve talked about this before, remember?” You reason out, giving him the nice benefit of the doubt. You'd like to be civil here. 

He ignores you once more, and you can actually feel the irritation grow within you. “I don’t want to be the reason why you neglect yourself.” 

“I’m really not, okay?” He retorts back, “Why do you always have to bring up things that don't matter?” 

Aggitated, you snap back “Wh- we’re talking about you! Hitoshi, we’ve talked about this- and you said you’d work on it! do my words mean nothing to you?” Hitoshi’s gaze flickers up, only staring at you, as if it was his own way of judging you and your intent. 

And that’s how it erupted into a full fight, and into your eventual breakup. 

You didn’t know how expressing your genuine concern for him blended into him saying things he’d never mean in his entire life. He doesn’t stop you when you walk out, not saying a thing at all

There was no verbal breakup. It was just.. there. 

The unknowing bartender interrupts the nonverbal tension, “I thought you’d be a lot happier, y’know.” 

“We-”

“..’ll get going now, thanks again.” Before you know it, Hitoshi’s hooking your arm around his shoulders— as he walks to the door, leaving the very familiar bar.

It’s awkward, surely. You’re not sure why he was there, and you’re not so sure as to why he decided to come to your aid in the first place. If Maki called him, and he was requested to come to you in question, then he could’ve just..

“..sent someone else,” You mumble. You reek heavily of alcohol, and your skin is undeniably warm. Frankly, he doesn’t remember the last time you were like this— was it the first time you had a drink? it was years back at this point.

You’re pretty.

Beautiful,

That’s one thing that hasn’t change. Surely, what changed things was the fact that he said some.. horrible things— and refused to even listen to your concerns, which ultimately cause your breakup. His relationship status changed into some lonely and young hero, and his heart ached in different ways.

But you’re still very beautiful, to him.

Doesn’t matter if you’re all dolled up for a hero interview, or a mess on a off saturday. You’re still beautiful.

But now— he’s focused on your words, and he’s taken aback when you continue to speak, causing the both of you to stop in the middle of the sidewalk.

“You’ve coulda asked s-someone else to pick.. me up.” Your words are slurred, a normal side effect of being drunk. However, seeing your ex has surely sobered you up.

“That’s true,” Shinsou moves to continue walking, so you guys weren’t standing on the middle of the side walk on a cold early morning.

“What are you even doing at a bar at 1am?” He changes the subject, but you’re still caught on to your previous question. “You didn’t answer my question at all, meanie.” Her grip is firm, so there’s no way of budging it.

His laugh lacks humor, yet he feels obligated to answer her. Or else they’d be stuck on the sidewalk, due to her hero grip.

“It didn’t feel right,”

“Yeah sure.” You grumble, “Because you suddenly care.”

“I’ve always cared, Y/N.”

“Really?” You say, not really believing him anyway. “You seemed pretty sure with your words back then to care.” Despite being toxicated, your words have undertones of venom

“You may say that, but.. I’ve always cared.”

“Then why the hell did you say all of that back then, huh?” Overwhelmed by seeing your ex, who you still fucking loved by the way— tears grow at your eyes. “If you’re lying, stop it.” You say, literally not in the mood to be lied to right now.

You’re literally being carried by your ex, while intoxicated, while also having a throbbing headache.

“I’m not.” Hitoshi answers firmly. A certain edge grows in his throat, and he hates it.

“Yes you are,” Your voice is now wobbly, it’s really just a mix of your overwhelming emotion, as well as your drunken state. “You would’ve told me that weeks ago!”

You were always right, and he knows it. Ever since from the last moment you shared with him, your words were just.. nothing but the sheer truth. Yet, he’s only hurt you— because of his denial.

He knows you’re right, and he knows that he had his habits of neglecting his own care. Though that’s why he decided to change, that you were in fact- correct all this time.

And he was just an ass to even admit it.

“You’re right,” His fists crumple, grip tight as he fights his sudden urge to break. “You were always right. I’ve always cared, and you’ve always cared about me. Yet I was worried of changing, not being around you just so that I could take care of something that’s not really important-”

“But you are, Hitoshi,” You sob, nearly collapsing onto the ground— “You matter so much, yet you don’t even see it, and if I’m going to contribute to your destructive ways— then...”

“How could you? If you don’t care about my words, then do you care about yourself..?”

Shinsou sighs, bending down to meet your level— you’re gasping and sobbing into his chest, tears angrily running down your cheeks.

“I know, kitten, and I’m sorry.” Wiping your tears with his thumb, he speaks once more. “That’s why.. I’ve thought about what you’ve said, and I decided to take care of myself a bit more, I want you to know that.. I do care.”

You glance up at him, the city lights luminating his face— enough for you to see the adorning expression he’s sporting.

“..really?” You speak, in a nearly hush tone, again— you’re still very drunk, and overwhelmed with emotions. This could’ve been passed off as a fever dream, and you could’ve been normal with it.

“Yes, Y/N.” His mouth perks up into a small smile.

“Then.. would you allow me to start over with you again?”

Pushing against Hitoshi, you envelope him with your arms— it’s almost cliché and dramatic, the way you collapse into his arms like it’s the last day on earth.

But.. Shinsou’s glad he has you again. Finally a chance to prove that he’s changed.

ーーーーーーー

BONUS

You sit on the counter of your apartment, hands covering your face— as a way to shield your eyes from the prodding sunlight that peaks from the windows.

“This should help,” Hitoshi hands you a cool glass of water, “The way you hold your alcohol is terrible,” You chug down the glass of water, and you take a jab at him with your feet.

He hisses at the sudden attack, and only chuckles, “You’re mad because it’s true kitten,” He teases

“Shut up,” You draw him in with your leg, setting the glass down, “Just kiss me already,”

And so he does, pressing your lips against his— savoring the sweet warm moment he’s been practically starved of for nearly 4 months.

He pulls back, his expression showcasing that he’s tasting the aftermath.

“Ew, you taste like beer.”

You glare at him, and take another light jab, “Of course I do, Idiot.”

Despite saying all of that, he pulls you in once more.

　　　　　　　˚✧₊⁎❝᷀ົཽ ❝᷀ົཽ⁎⁺˳✧༚

likes and reblogs are appreciated, thanks for reading (literally the first fic i’ve ever posted, so y’all BETTER like it or i’ll 💀)

i do not own bnha/mha and it’s characters. boku no hero academia/my hero academia belongs to horikoshi kohei, i only own the writing

do not plagiarize my work :)) (literally don’t, it’s 3:26am on a tuesday.)

[moons-and-stars-and-shit]

Hey!saw the matchups and i got so happy! im 5'7 with long curly hair thats all black except for my bangs. Im pretty sarcastic& funny& i have bad moodswings. im an extrovert&i tend to talk a lot. my personality types intp and im a sag. my hobbies are napping,studying second languages,writing, and skating. Some things I like are gaming& cooking. things i dislike are overwhelming noise,idiots,and people who are too negative. I want someone I can laugh with and also get a lil spicey with ykyk ;0

@bigolearrings

Romantic Matchup

Atsumu Miya

How Y’all Met

Ok

You we’re really good friends with Osamu

You guys have been each other’s “baking buddies” since you were first years

So you we’re a common guest in the Miya household

And honestly...

Atsumu thought you were hot 👀

BUT THATS NOT ALL I SWEAR

He thought you were super funny

And you always put yourself out there

The female version of him 💀

A n y w a y s

He would always flirt with you when you came over

Which always earned him a punch from his brother 🥲

But he kept doing it

And occasionally you would flirt back

And it was always so funny when you did

Cause this boy acts all smooth...

But he gets flustered SO easily

So whenever you would flirt back he would have to turn his head to hide his blush

And one day he just couldn’t take it anymore

So instead of doing his normal flirting

He just straight up asked you out 😐

Listen you were either gonna reject him so that he could move on

Or say yes and go with him

His was really shocked when you went with the second option 💀

But nonetheless he was over the moon!

(Peep at osamu gagging in the background 🤢)

What They Love About You

Ok he loves your sarcasm

He thinks it’s absolutely HILARIOUS

But

He only thinks it’s funny with other people 😐

He gets like low-key offended when your sarcastic with him

But in your defense you only do it when he’s acting stupid

“Y/n your cars low on gas.”

“OH REALLY, it’s almost as if I don’t have a gas light telling me that already”

Atsumu: 🥲

You: 😐

He loves that you can cook

It’s always suck a pain in the ass to get his brother to cook him something

But now he just askes you 😃

Omg he loves your hair ✋

He just luvs ze curlssss

Favorite Things To Do Together

Omg he loves to skate with you

Roller skate

Ice skate

Skateboarding

All of it

Though he’s particularly bad at ice skating 🥶

He’s always down to game with you

But be warned

He turns into a cocky mf if he beats you

Although he’s not the best at cooking

He INSISTS on helping you cook

Tbh he’s just jealous of his brother 💀

Random Hc

One time you accidentally called him osamu in the kitchen...

This boy looked so OFFENDED

and then yelled at osamu to stay away from you 😅

You found out he was bad at ice skating when you both went to a ice rink and he left with bruises on his ass 😃

He confuses salt with sugar ALL THE TIME

You even labeled the containers

And he STILL mixed them up

If you let him he loves to bounce your curls 👀

Astrology

The merging of Libra and Sagittarius can be paradise found for both Signs

This combination is a harmonious one, to say the least.

Signs that are two positions apart in the Zodiac tend to have a very deep, special connection and understanding of one another.

Sagittarius, the journeyer, is constantly in search of wisdom.

Libra has a mind keen for art, beauty and aesthetics

Libra makes a stimulating companion for Sagittarius on their travels and adds much to Sagittarius’s experience.

The relationship always feels new because these two keep it exciting and yet their natural understanding of one another makes them feel like intimates from the beginning.

Together they will reach new horizons in love and in life.

Libra and Sagittarius make great friends as well as lovers.

They share a certain fresh-faced optimism in the world; they’re both enthusiastic about finding truth and beauty in their experiences.

Problems rarely occur.

Occasionally Sagittarius may hurt sensitive Libra’s feelings by speaking without thinking; conversely, Libra can sometimes be a bit too emotionally controlling for Sagittarius.

Since Libra is a born diplomat who abhors conflict, they’ll be able to smooth over any ruffled feathers.

These two have the gift of forgiving and forgetting quickly.

Overall Aesthetic

SkatePunk

Alright - Supergrass

Needs - Verzache

Honeypie - Jawny

Gimme Love - Joji

[vivdunye]

present day, present time

and you don't seem to understand

fabled adages of science

so i was watching the snyder cut of justice league the other morning, i couldn't really begin to tell you why other than i needed 4 hours of background noise . but i tuned in at one point when the fictional super Israeli, wonder woman, narrated a scene explaining an alien technology "that was so advanced that it almost seemed like sorcery", and wouldn't yknow, that's a real concept actually, i recognized it immediately as clark's third law:

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

it's perhaps the most well known and oft quoted of the three, but i always felt like arthur c. clark's first 2 laws don't ever get quite enough love . i've been thinking heavily about the first law lately:

When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.

i've been thinking about it in relation to this one quote from wernher von braun that i always liked:

Nature does not know extinction; all it knows is transformation. Everything science has taught me, and continues to teach me, strengthens my belief in the continuity of our spiritual existence after death.

many people are afraid of death; of ceasing the awareness of life, because they don't know what will happen to themselves after, where do they go if anywhere? it's much more nebulous in the secular sense if you haven't a construct for the afterlife already . i've been thinking about death more and more often lately to a worrying degree . however, scientific thought for all its clinical detachment from all things spiritual has strangely enough always felt like the perfect module for contemplating the metaphysical . so i decided to do some research .

i want to recall right now thomas edison's first intended use for the phonograph . edison had originally envisioned the phonograph primarily as a means of preserving the voices of loved ones after death . he later went on to try and develop a "ghost box" or "spiritphone" . this device would allow humans to communicate directly with the dead . he was unsuccessful .

if hauntology has taught us anything, we technically do have ghost boxes now, but maybe not in the way edison intended or even predicted . we carry them everywhere and can check them anytime, channeling messages through them constantly . we actively become digital ghosts, online we are both present and absent . the present implodes with the past, we've over-documented everything so now we can experience an instant nostalgia . today's future becomes archaic, we live in the archive to try and remember what the future once was .

'haunted' and 'futuristic' become one and the same .

by this token i'm reminded also by transhumanism . as the technological singularity fast approaches, as progress charges forward at a constantly increasing speed, current estimates posit the 2040s as the point in which technological improvements will occur at a constantly self-replicating rate . in the time between now and then, transhumanism and the eventual merging of human consciousness with machinery are theorized outcomes of technological progress . one day we might be able to leave the shackles of our human bodies and transcend our physical forms as a joined digital consciousness .

and in relation to this i also think now of clark's second law

The only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to venture a little way past them into the impossible.

through the wired

this is the stage on which the anime Serial Experiments Lain is set . a story, that while constructed on the patchwork of fiction, is nevertheless symbolic of certain phenomena based in reality .

also i apologize if it wasn't apparent that this post was going to be about Lain . im lainposting boys

the first few episodes exist to misdirect the viewer right from the beginning . and only by returning to these episodes having thought through the rest of the show, does their purpose become clear . the first episode, aptly titled "Layer 01: Weird" , is meant to show us exactly one thing, that lain is fucking weird . we can't tell what she's thinking, we can't tell what she's doing, and that's exactly how everyone around her feels . lain is totally and completely disconnected, she doesn't keep up with current events at school, she doesn't communicate with her family, near as we can tell she has no actual interests besides her stuffed animals and totally phasing out of reality. the inciting incident of the series happens when someone tries to make a connection with lain, and that person happens to be dead...

or at least there body is dead, their consciousness seems to have escaped into the wired . lain's decision to pursue this connection is what lead's her to ask her father for a new navi (the series' name for a personal computer) and that's all that really happens in this episode . coming back to it from later episodes we know that lain is probably thinking a lot throughout this episode . the decision to not entreat us to any of her thoughts is intentional, it is to make us feel distant from her as viewers, the same way that the world around her is distant . as lain forms connections throughout the series, so too, will we form a connection with her .

we do not know how much time has passed since then and the second episode, but whatever has happened lain has already developed a significant presence in the wired . this episode is tricky in its presentation as it doesn't make us privy to which things lain is lying about and which things she's honest about . in it we have lain talking to someone on her navi, she types sporadically in an encrypted language, and someone who looks just like her appears late one night in a night club downtown . while lain won't admit it to her classmates it's apparent at the end of the episode that it was her at the club all along . the key to understanding her actions throughout the episode is to realize she is trying to keep her existence in the wired and her existence in reality as separate entities . the realization she has by the end of the episode, which she uses to terrify a gunmen into suicide is that there is no escape from the wired, no matter where you are you are always connected .

made in the late-90s, Lain was quite ahead of its time . it predicted not only how in the early 2000s the internet would be regarded as a separate world where anonymity and personas reigned—it also predicted how the internet would eventually and inevitably overlap with the real world, once people in the real world realized that the internet is the real world . people have a tendency to see one part of themselves as their "true selves", whereas the parts they show to others are personas, they think of these things as separate when in reality a person is an amalgamation of all of their personas . lain tries to change her personas by dressing and acting differently from when she's in the wired-mode and in normal-mode, but she doesn't realize how people have been doing this way before the wired existed . her classmates are all 15 but they all pass for adults when they've dolled up and hit the club . if the characters in the show seem a bit young for their attitudes then you may not have met enough tech-savvy teenagers before . the purpose of this episode is to ultimately to prove to lain that the so-called real world and the wired are merely two layers of one reality, which couldn't be more true of the world today .

let there be light300pMTK. .

in mythology, psyche was the mortal princess who fell in love with and, eventually, married the god cupid; in religion and classical philosophy, psyche came to mean the human soul, and in the modern, literate world, it retains that meaning as the human spirit; in freudian analysis, psyche refers to the totality of the human mind: the id, ego and superego .

every meaning of psyche is distinctly human: a human princess who achieves godhood, the soul or mind of an individual . if previous episodes introduced the blurring of the real world with the wired, then episode three; "Layer 03: Psyche" is the episode that starts to blur human identity online and offline . one doesn’t even have to venture into the wired to ask what is human .

by this point we know that lain is definitely up to something . at this stage it's hard to tell what, but all we get are little glimpses into her actions . she still seems to be hiding a lot from the world around her and from the viewer in turn . ironically, lain's blank-faced silence and response to the questions of those around her it's own incrimination . when a police officer tells her to speak up (regarding the gunman's suicide) even if she had nothing to do with it, he doesn't realize she's being silent precisely because she does have something to do with it . but her deer-in-the-headlights persona gets her out of it .

the lain of the wired and the lain of reality are slowly starting to mesh into one whole . it remains difficult to interpret the physical existence of "other lain" so to speak, and the show refuses to outright show her playing that character . at the least, we do get to see lain access the wired in all its chaotic glory and she does begin to take an active interest in expanding her knowledge as she learns about and installs the "Psyche drive", a computer circuit that lain procures in hopes of it enhancing her computer's processing power . on the smaller scale, when lain applies the psyche processor to her navi, she is installing a spirit or soul, an animating element, to her machine . notably, the psyche does not replace the main processor; psyche augments the main processor, interpreting the data that flows through it . the soul is not simply the brain, it is an elevated consciousness or meta-self. by this point in the series lines become blurred and the lains begin to merge (hehe) . all of this is set against the backdrop of lain trying to decide if she should remain in the physical world or fully integrate in the wired . she hears one voice telling her that death feels amazing, and god exists in the wired, that there is nothing left for lain in this world . however, lain begins to establish a connection with her classmate alice, saying her name out loud and commiting it to memory for the first time, alice asks why her friends are not more shaken up after watching someone shoot himself in the head the previous day . it's almost as though lain is clinging to alice as an excuse to stay in the physical world out of fear for changing over . this all sets the seeds for what eventually grows throughout the series .

i want to recall the final meaning of the word “psyche". that the word also meant “butterfly,” which is how the greeks imagined the soul to appear . no doubt the symbolism of a creature that begins as one thing and transforms into another is not lost on us here .

every event serves to emphasize the existence of one's own personal reality, and as individuals from all others, we desire a place to belong . however that too is an egotistical concept . in order for there to be a mutual understanding, it is necessary to recognize here and now, like the brain synapses, we are all—in a logical yet chaotic manner—connected .

each is seperate—yet they are one . by connecting, humanity gains first awareness of its function as a seed . and by connecting a human no longer remains a mere endpoint, a "terminus", but becomes a junction to another point, having won the right to continue itself . in a sense, the ability to connect is the ability to continue . this not only applies to the connection of axial coordinates but temporal coordinates as well . therefore, at the time when a conscious, intentional connection is made, surely the dead will rise from there intended place, appearing at the time coordinate of the connection's origin .

in that moment, the realization will dawn that the time in which we inhabit our physical bodies is but the starting point of the connection, and the very meaning of possessing a physical body might be questioned .

we recognize we are connected .

serialize thyself .

[peakatseven]

MICHAAAA CONGRATULATIONS

🌕 broke a finger knocking on your bedroom door I got splinters in my knuckles crawling across the floor

andddd

🎸 haunted

this bitch really came for me asking for a story AND a cover of such a hard song to sing. okay thanks i guess.

nah im just kidding babe i had so much fun writing this! i feel like it’s the first time in years that i’m posting proper fanfiction? kind of? idk i was trying to find another name for the mc but i kept picturing frat boy harry so here we go:

Concentration is impossible when the silence is loud and the work is important. The worst part is when one starts thinking about the need of being concentrated, rather than the actual work that needs to be done. As a university student, Harry was no different than most: his anxiety about school and his future co-existed with the emotional backlash of relationships and the need to "experience the best years of your life". There were few people with whom he wouldn't worry about meeting some kind of expectation. But she had been silent with him for the better part of a year. Images of Caro kept coming back to him, a trauma he couldn't let go off. Granted, it was the one painful brake up he'd experienced, one that was never truly over. Even now, uncountable names in between him and her, he still couldn't get her blue eyes off of his mind. The thought of her porcelain skin over his sun-kissed body came to him every single one of his one-night-stands. And at that moment, sitting on his desk, trying to get his homework done, the memory of her laughter drowned every sentence he tried to compose. He forced everything out with a loud grunt, grabbing his head with both hands and pulling on his hair. "The results show that 73.3% of patients responded positively to the treatment." He voiced out loud, trying to silence Caro's laughter in his mind. "No, that's bullshit." After a few moments staring at the cursor beeping at the end of his last sentence, he finally shut the laptop down. On an impulse, he unlocked his phone and opened a conversation from three days prior. He should've answered it when he got the text, but he wasn't in the mood at the time. "Hey, babe, wanna go for a beer rn?" He wasn't even done changing when the phone buzzed on the table. Two happy emojis popped up, and then a "Meet you there in 10". He kept the speed up as he rode off campus, through a park and then into the city. He was glad for the chill air against his face, numbing it to the point where it was the only thing he was able to think about. Finally some peace of mind. It wasn't dark yet when he got to the bar, but the sun had already set behind the buildings. There was one single tree, barely taller than him but strong enough to hold his bike. As he secured it, a red leaf fell to his knee. It was autumn when he got to kiss Caro for the first time, and it was also autumn when he kissed her last. "Nope. Something else, think of something else." he thought to himself. Incapable of coming up with anything, he brought out a cigarette and inhaled deeply. Somewhere inside him, there was a bit of guilt about what he was trying to do. But it'd been so long since he started that it no longer bothered him. His new game was called Darren. The younger guy looked like a model, straight silver hair and pale skin that Harry couldn't wait to leave marks on. All he could think about when Darren was around was the things he wanted to do to him. It was purely sensual, and that was pretty clear from the start. Or at least that's what he told himself. That Darren was on the same page as him- no strings attached, just fun and games. But the way his phone had been buzzing ever since he got on the bike, there was clearly more interest from one side. But instead of doing the right thing, and not stringing him along, Harry was about to sleep with him again and leave with a lame excuse to not spend the night. And then it was back to emotionless texts, conversations on the verge of ghosting him just in case he'd be in the mood again. But it was okay, Darren was playing the same game. He had the same dynamic with a lot of people lately. None knew of each other. They didn't have to, and they didn't ask either. He was no monster, though. Harry would tell that to himself constantly. That because no one had explicitly asked for exclusivity, it was implied they weren't obliged to it. The only one who did, what was her name again? Odella... no, that's not right... Ornella, maybe? He laughed dryly at himself. He'd become one of those guys that didn't even remember the names of all of his

partners. But he was no dougebag, when Ornella asked to be exclusive, he straight up told her no and then never bothered her again. They weren't on the same page anymore, so no more games. He wondered if that would ever happen with Darren too. There was not much time to think about this, because he was soon greeting the guy with a half hug and a gentle kiss just beside his lips. "You smell nice." Darren said, hands in his pockets and scarf almost over his mouth. "You just like the smell of tabacco." Harry smirked and put the unfinished cigarette down. "Let's get in, you're freezing." The night went exactly how Harry planned it. All his jokes were welcomed by Darren, and he let the young boy win at pull- he was cute when he bragged about his skills. But the best feeling was whenever Harry would approach Darren. A stroke of the lower back, a smirk from the other side of the table, a kiss when no one was near... Darren accepted any and everything Harry was willing to give him. The power high that it gave him to have someone be so devoted to him was indescribable. But the night was fully set and he was growing impatient. "Let's get out of here." He whispered to Darren's ear right before his turn. Darren had already started pulling Harry's bike for him when the phone on his pocket buzzed again. Harry walked alongside his date, though his eyes were on his phone. He had a lost call that he hadn't noticed while inside. The number wasn't saved to his phone anymore, but he hadn't managed to erase it from his own memory yet. "Oh, shit." He whispered. "I... Sorry, man, I have to go. There's a- um, it's a family thing." Harry was on his bike before his date could answer. He didn't even look at Darren's eyes before leaving. There was a sting of guilt building up, and maybe he'd feel disgusted by himself if it wasn't for the sheer adrenaline running through his veins. Maybe the alcohol had a bit to do with it too. This had only happened a few times before, and the outcome was always the same. Still, Harry couldn't keep himself from falling to his knees when it came to her. As he rode his bike as fast as he could go, a cynical smile crept on his lips. How ironic. Darren was probably feeling the same way about Harry just a few hours prior. Whenever Caro was in town, she stayed at her best friend's apartment- all the way on the other side of the city. So it was past midnight already when he got to the building. There was a party on the roof, maybe they could sneak in for more drinks. She had some catching up to do, as Harry was already tipsy. Still, he didn't have to check the phone to know which floor to go to and which door to knock. Just like everything else about Caro, he had it indefinitely memorized. 409, the doorknocker was a silver seagull. A very heavy, silver seagull. At first, Harry didn't feel it when his finger got caught in between the door and the seagull, but by the third time he knocked, it started changing colour. "Hm." He said to himself as he examined the swollen-red finger. He put it in his mouth and kept on knocking to the beat of the music coming from above. Why did they have the music so loud? Harry could barely hear his own thoughts, so the neighbours had to be furious about this noise. Carolina was probably waiting for Harry, who was already late due to how far he was when she texted him. "Fuck!" He said, taking his phone out of his pocket again. He hadn't answered. Dumb ass. "im herre" He sent the text before reading the ones Caro had sent before. One was a laughing emoji and the other was a voice note. There were people laughing on the background, and someone turned the music down a bit for Caro to speak into her phone. "I'm so sorry, ignore that, it was a dare." She half said, half laughed. Harry didn't understand, so he played it again. Again. Again. And again one more time. Was she talking about the lost call? or was it about her being in town? Had he really fallen for such a stupid trap? Harry fell to the floor, phone glued to his ear as the voice note played over and over again. His chest was about to

explode, face red and throat dry. He knocked on the door again, now with his fist. The inevitable tear fell down his cheek, though it was impossible to know if it was sadness or anger that caused it. "Oh, god." Someone said behind him. But when he turned around, the stairs were empty and someone on hills was running up the stairs. He got up and ran after them, but he was too intoxicated to keep up. He fell halfway up the stairs, having to crawl for a few steps before getting up. On the rooftop, there were too many people in heels to know which one had seen him. "Great." He sight. Might as well look around. He walked around the place, inhaling the cold air of the night and trying to calm down, make sense of what had just happened. He was about to light up his last cigarette when someone took it from him. She had long purple nails and her skin glowed under the moonlight. She smirked as the cigarette reached her mouth. He lit it up for her. "I didn't think you'd actually come." She said. Her smirk turned into a sincere smile. "You told me to." "Yes, but I also said you should ignore that." "Well I didn't." He took the cigarette from her fingers and smoked himself before speaking again. "Should I go?" He wanted to seem as cool with the situation as she appeared to be, hide the fact that he had just been played like a puppet for a fucking drinking game dare. "What happened to you finger?" She shouted, stepping closer to him. "I- I don't remember." Harry lied. There was still a bit of dignity to be salvaged. And there it was, but this time it was real. Her laugh, once again, drowned every thought on his mind. There was no music and no people around them anymore, it was just him and her, together again, laughing in the middle of the night. "You know I meant to call you, right?" Caro said, a hand tenderly rubbing his arm. She knew exactly what she was doing, and he knew it too. "I'm sure you did." He said. "I did!" She pushed him a little, both cracking a knowing smile. "I promise I did, it's just that-" "Shut the fuck up." He felt more stable now that he'd taken some air and the alcohol effect had cooled down. "It's okay, Caro. Let's just have fun tonight and see what happens." "Sounds fun." She leaned in and kissed him on his cheek, the kiss lingering just a second too long. He instinctively put a hand on her hip, but she walked away swiftly after the kiss. The pain on his chest came back, and the little composure he had gained crumbled. She wasn't coming back to him. This time it was definitive, and it had been for a while now. But the worst realization that came to him that night, was how much power she had over him. How much hope, urge, love, anger and pain she could cause in just a matter of hours. She had him at her mercy, like a puppet she could toy with however she wanted. They were both the same kind of wicked, using others for validation, feasting on their adoration. But as much pain as it caused him to know he was at the other end of his own game, it also sparked joy to know he could provide that for her.

[petitepistol]

headcanon;but it is very messy

oh god strap in because this is going to be 3k words worth of rambling under the cut which you don't actually have to read since i posted it at 5am so it probably does not make much sense!! also I have only just recently accepted that my elena does not follow compilation timeline to the letter because I fucking hate the fact that before crisis placed her age at being a high school student almost immediately preceding the start of the original game and I always saw elena as being at least aerith's age by the time she became a turk so please bear with me as my elena uses a floating timeline to prevent her from being...like a literal teenager for original game fuck that noise they had cissnei be the uwu fifteen-year-old turk and elena gets to be her own character when im writing her so compilation can fuck right off

so first off her dad is a military man, and that entire side of his family? kind of just defaulted into the military for generations. well before shinra at least, the old shit. I'm constantly flabbergasted by the idea that shinra is the dominant military force on the planet when as little as forty years before game them were a fledgling company, and I'm fascinated by what kind of insane shit must have gone down to facilitate shinra going from defense contractor/power company to defacto global superpower, and what they superseded when that happened. so yeah her dad is military, and even after he was put out to pasture he still wound up teaching at a prestigious shinra sponsored academy in junon and both of his daughters attended.

her mom was upper middle class and driven as hell, had a ballet career which got cut short due to injury in her late teens. then she wound up going into nursing by her early twenties and spent some time working in deepground when it was still a run of the mill army hospital where she met elena's father who was...voluntarily a candidate for some biotech stuff that shinra was doing back when shinra was still a defense contractor, go figure he was one of many early examples of mako conditioning. they didn't get along at first but did wind up marrying but never actually settling down because of the nature of his career. she retired from nursing but did medical coding part-time.

elena's sister was born in deepground (canonically from the 'midgar slums' but deepground is pretty fucking close and it makes sense to the era and background worldbuilding), and things went as smoothly as possible at this point in time. elena herself was born in icicle because lol military stationed there (elena being an icicle native was also a very popular piece of fanon in the pre-compilation era and I feel like it may have had some supporting evidence in something like kaitai shinsho but I never really managed to cross-reference that so probably not true and just a gut feeling), and by then things were getting...fishy. details being covered up about the full extent of the side-effects of mako conditioning and rumors that shinra had an egregious amount of influence over the military at large. these things all turned out to be true, but elena's father kept his head down and did his duty because he was a good soldier. he was also in wutai on and off during this, before the situation over there fully hit the fan, so he had more pressing matters to worry about.

anyway, elena was born in icicle but she and her mother and sister weren't there for more than a year or so before it was back at it again in midgar because dad was being put on some kind of assignment that had him closely working with shinra. the general implication of this is he was doing legwork for the implementation of SOLDIER in a few years, but what that means can vary by interaction from being paperwork to mk ultra style endurance testing to teaching an adolescent jenova project specimen how to integrate into military procedure before they drop him in wutai which is slated to become an all-out conflagration very shortly. it all depends but the point is it is sticky and worsened significantly when his wife is killed in a car accident. if this seems familiar it is because I firmly believe elena is the aya brea of ffvii and parasite eve featured similar background story. I'm borrowing deal with it.

by this point, elena is around eight and in school but elena is just barely four and in the vehicle when it happens. mom is killed instantly, elena survives but barely fares better. she's in intensive care for a while and there is a period where they don't even know if she is going to be brain dead or just have permanent brain damage in the first few days. her sister is basically staying at a school friend's house for like...way more than a fortnight while this got sorted out because their dad still actually has orders to carry out, even if he isn't on a battlefield. at one point on of his higher-ups implies that it could be arranged to transfer elena from the civilian hospital to the recently renovated deepground and he turns it down and feels like shit for it because yeah, deepground probably would mean a better chance at his youngest daughters survival because of that cutting edge shinra biotech, but at what cost? he knows well enough now something is wrong and justifies his willingness to let fate take its course with elena by focusing on the fact that her sister is still alive and well and he needs to keep his head down for his older daughter because she needed him too, even though they barely saw each other during the crux of this.

so lo and behold elena does recover and goes through the icky sticky of physical therapy and does just fine. great, right? well yes but the family dynamic is stupidly fucked up. dad has done either really good or really bad on his assignment, and gets put out to pasture in junon to teach at a military academy that is now nearly entirely funded by shinra (yeah so in before crisis it is all but implicit that academy is in midgar but fuck that junon is the seat of military power it would be near there if anything). this is great because it keeps him in work and both of his daughters will benefit. which they do. elena's sister is an ideal student, and the roughness of losing her mother happened at a sensitive period but a period where she was old enough to understand what was going on. she was capable of being a little trooper through all of it, but the cost of it was not being able to emotionally process the loss of her mother and the fact that her little sister was still alive when mom was not. the seeds of discord are sown there and that will be an ongoing thing throughout their childhood and into adulthood. they don't hate each other, but the relationship is fraught with tension and it is far from a healthy dynamic, especially since their father has pulled back almost entirely from fatherhood. he has no idea what he is doing without his late wife, and can't organically interact with his daughters so he defaults to being an instructor. both of them flourish despite this, but it is not a good family dynamic.

paint over this family drama with the fact that wutai is now well and truly happening. the military is effectively controlled by shinra and very very soon the propaganda blitz surrounding SOLDIER is going to push that over the edge and shinra will be accepted on a public and official level as being the army. the slogans are changing and going from an old fashioned sense of unity to focusing on becoming top class and singularly extraordinary. there is an emphasis on joining to be great rather than joining for the greater good. the recruitment plays into the deeply seated neurosis of adolescence for a reason because the younger some kid joins up the more malleable they are to both the shinra rhetoric and the by now very refined mako enhancement process that costs so much but nets such spectacular gains. in fact, it costs far too much to ever justify wasting that kind of money on doing it to women. so yeah it is blog canon that women in the shinra army is not a thing that is encouraged and like hell would they ever be in SOLDIER. the company culture is an old boys club steeped in misogyny and the only reason scarlet succeeded is because she took that and marinated in it and played the game very well. dirge era deepground operatives are little more than a consequence of years of unethical human experimentation left to rot in a basement. we don't really see women in actual military positions in the original game. sexism is alive and well and it serves my characterization of elena and her development.

so yeah it is a time of paradigms shifting and reforming very rapidly. elena's sister takes to this with aplomb, she is a perfect cadet and in elena's eyes a perfect daughter. someone easier to idolize than the SOLDIERs on the glossy recruitment posters and more available than their emotionally distant father. she is pristine and by extension beloved, things elena wants to be as well. elena is too young to realize her sister doesn't have any better of a relationship with their father than she does, but who knows if that would change anything. she emulates her ideal sister but remains a half step behind, which makes perfect sense because elena is four years younger. from a critical perspective that half step is a very close gap because even if elena doesn't realize it, she is just as prodigious as her sister is. the difference is while her sister can follow orders to the letter, elena has the makings of a maverick. not a positive thing in the strict environment of a military academy, no matter how high her scores are. idealization goes hand and hand with a quiet resentment, the latter of which her sister has also harbored towards her ever since their later mother died and elena did not.

that simmering toxicity stays at a low boil until her sister graduates. at the top of the class, even she could not become anything. or at least, to elena it looks that way, as she watches her sister back her things for midgar where she will start as a trainee for an administrative/auditing position for the shinra electric power company. elena does not know what a turk is at this point, even if her father does. he seems as impassive as ever, even if that is not the case and in actuality he is struggling to accept the reality that his oldest daughter is far too smart for his own good and is entering a profession no one would ever want for their child. despite his distance and his lack of connection and all of his failings as a father he does love his children and that will eat away at him until he dies no doubt. but all elena sees is her shining example of an older sister being doomed to desk work. when gun leaves (because she becomes gun the moment she is added to the payroll) the real constant of elena's childhood also leaves. and during adolescence, that is hard for anyone. more so when you realize no matter how sharp your skills are your future is off the chopping block and there is no path for you to take with them.

elena goes from being a prodigy prone to pesky critical thinking to a prodigy with a chip on her shoulder. her technical marks don't plummet, in fact, quite the opposite. she picks up a secondary battle specialty, close-quarters combat, which will set her apart from her sister. she flourishes with equal parts precision and aggression, despite her small size. the academic commendations feel entirely hollow to her though, and in the way teenagers tend to do she convinces herself she is not much more than nothing. the memory of her sister becomes tarnished with the bitterness of her negative self-image. her instructors must hate her for her failures, she tells herself with false objectivity. her instructors include her actual father, who is nearly clueless aside from a vague feeling in the pit of his stomach and he doesn't know if that is due to his oldest daughter going into wetworks or the fact his younger daughter is shattering academic record after record with the sheer force of what he assumes to be ennui driven spite.

at least he is clueless until in the spring just after she turns fifteen she files for early certification to leave academy, just like every other boy in her year as well as every other boy on the continent and beyond. they do it to catch the recruitment push and join the army soon enough to have a shot at making SOLDIER before they age out. but elena can't do that and he knows it and braces himself to have that conversation with her, calling her into his office where she keeps her stance formal until he tells her to be as ease and even in the chair across from his desk her posture is tense. spine straight, eyes ahead. he begins what he thinks is going to be the "you know you can't join SOLDIER" conversation but she cuts him off in what he thinks is a somewhat uncharacteristic display, but to her is just another example of how disgraceful her conduct is and how she needs to get out of academy before brings the value of the whole institution down. she tells him this, she tells him she is aware of her shortcomings and the fact she has no future in a military career and her intention is to go to midgar and learn how to be a civilian on her own terms. he signs off on it because none of her bullet points are actually wrong.

midgar is a city of industry and a city of vice and she hasn't been there since she was a child. it is good to her and it is bad to her, as she unlearns years of quasi-military discipline and figures out how to be her own person. she still sometimes wears the academy uniform because old habits die hard and it is a durable thing. she has a one-room apartment in the slums and a job tending bar in wall market. the hours are early evening to after the last train ends and her circadian rhythm adjusts from 4am wakeups and beds made with hospital corners to the distorted clock that comes from living under a plate with no natural sunlight. there are just as many fights and skirmishes to be had in midgar but none of them are like the training exercises at academy. each one is a beautiful short-lived shrine, sometimes they are fun and on her terms, and other times they are fraught and meant for survival. elena relishes them all as a skillset she once thought was a dead-end turns out to be valuable once more. the major negative point is her sister.

gun is in midgar and wears a sleek black suit along with many other people in sleek black suits. elena hears the term 'turk' for the first time. whether they are urban legends or hired killers or pencil pushers who do double duty waterboarding enemies of a power company turned judge and jury doesn't matter. what matters is the deadness she can see in gun's green eyes when she drops by the bar before closing, oftentimes with equally dead-eyed coworkers. those confrontations are never pleasant, they are a powderkeg. elena would like to reach out to her sister, chase away the exhausted look in her face the way she can with other patrons, but the sentiment gets stuck in her throat and they just snipe at each other. gun is a terrible adult and so are all of her colleagues and they are trying their best to neutralize a growing terrorist threat and they are failing. when they come around in the low light of the bar illuminates the stark futility of everything after midnight.

elena does not know exactly what is going on at the highest level of intrigue but she has a good guess. shinra is shitting the bed, and that includes the turks and SOLDIER, which seems to her to be in the middle of a massive coverup as their public-facing 1sts disappear one after another. she wants no part of it and her agenda switches from mastering the nuances of being a civilian to finding sustainability and meaning outside of shinra as the cracks in the facade split ever wider. when the sector six plate is effectively destroyed, it takes the bar she worked at with it and elena decides it is time to get the hell out of midgar.

her years in wall market set her up with some interesting connections and the owner of a small weapons shop (who she might have married for tax purposes but that isn't fleshed out) sets her up with a distinguished older gentleman who is a complete asshole and happens to run guns all across the continent. despite his immaculate coiffure he is not a people person and requires someone who is both qualified to demonstrate his product and more pleasant to deal with than him, because the market is hot right now. shinra has never had much interest in dealing with flyover country. sure they build reactors in some of the backwaters, but not all of them. and no reactor meant no need for shinra to spend the money on protecting hick villages from increased monster presence. the planet is dying and the monsters are restless in the same way wildlife gets in the real world. the people in those tiny towns do their best to defend their homes and livelihood and that means purchasing weaponry, mostly old stock from competitors that shinra has long since crushed or acquired. shinra lets this happen because it is not a threat to them.

so, for a few years, elena is a pretty face with a bang and it is almost scarlettian. she never comes close to the sex appeal of the actual weapons development director of shinra, but it is enough to help move merchandise. most of the buyers are just people trying to survive in the middle of nowhere, but not always. sometimes they are rougher than that, but the money is good enough that she doesn't care about that, or the fact the man who employed her hates her guts and doesn't care much whether she lives or dies. it is a thrilling rush and it is outside of shinra and more than ever does she want to put as much distance as possible between shinra and herself. because her sister is dead according to a notification that tseng of the turks had been cordial enough to send to her father, news that he passed on in a voicemail to elena with a hollow tone. maybe he was trying to reconnect with her because she was now all he had left in the way of family. maybe he just had the same sense of duty as always. she never calls back to ask.

midgar calls her back though. one day her employer informs her with a vindictive grin that he has sold the business part and parcel and that includes her as an employee. acquired by shinra. the reason, ironically, is scarlet, whom she has been doing a two-bit impersonation of. scarlet is a forward thinker but that doesn't mean she can't be swayed by a stockpile of vintage firearms, and with the viciousness required of her position she can throw weight around and get her hands on anything. the weapons are what she wanted and elena knows this and rejects the notion that she will become apart of the shinra payroll because of this little merger. this is proven wrong in short order as her assets are frozen systematically because the turks are hard up for people. they know her. they knew her sister and they know her, even if they haven't kept tabs on her. as soon as the papers cross his desk tseng seizes the opportunity.

the interview with hr to place elena is a mere formality. there is no other place for her there but in the turks. elena, for all her audacity, accepts this and plasters on a professional veneer. the game begins and the world ends.

[sup-hoes-its-me]

Depreciation (Oikawa x Reader)

 A/N: hey hey. im back at it again with another oikawa one. this one is a Soulmate AU! yay! I love these but i never do them justice. im fairly happy with this one, so i hope you like it too. Thank you!!!!

word count: 4226~

Everyone loved Oikawa Tooru. He was handsome and funny and passionate and athletic and just a seemingly pleasant person to be around. But, he was so terribly fake. For years, he naively assumed that his best friend, Iwaizumi, was the only one to know about his painful insecurities and self-doubt. He really believed it could be kept a secret.

One other person, someone the boy didn't even know, knew all about his problems. Y/N, the shyest girl in the entire class, knew everything. She had her secrets too, big, terrible secrets no one could ever know about. The most concerning of all those secrets: she was his soulmate. Just like Oikawa, she kept her secrets under lock and key. Not her best friend, not her mother, not her siblings...No one would ever know.

He could never know.

Oikawa was meant for someone else. He was meant to fall in love with a beautiful girl with flawless skin, a charming bright smile, and a voice that could swoon anyone. Instead, he was fated to be with her, the outcast of the school, the girl who locked herself in her room when she got home and avoided the vast majority of her peers like the plague.

No one could ever know she shared the same marking as the famous Oikawa Tooru. He was too good for her. Too handsome. Too popular. Too funny. Too perfect. No one would ever fawn after her like his fangirls did. Because she was nothing, and he was everything.

Y/N never took off her cardigan, nor did she push up the sleeves. It would only be disastrous if she attempted such a thing. People would see the mark inside of her wrist. They would see it and they would know. Most girls, they knew what Oikawa’s mark looked like; it was engraved into their brains much like their own mark. They studied it, checking time and time again to see if it matched, as if it would suddenly change to quench their desire for the masterful setter.

Even though Y/N knew she would never get to fall in love with her soulmate, she still sought information about him. She watched him through the gym windows as he practiced, seeing his talent and his pure, intense drive that kept him soldiering on. She listened to him talk to Iwaizumi at lunch when they ate in the same classroom, memorizing his mannerisms and his voice and the delicate ways he teased his best friend.

All she wanted, deep down, was to know her soulmate. She just wanted to talk to him. To find out what he loves and he hates. To find out his birthday, and his favorite color, and his favorite season, and his favorite movie. She wanted to know if he preferred pop or rock, if he liked chocolate or vanilla ice cream. Did he have any pets. What's his favorite holiday. What's his phone wallpaper…

She wanted to know everything about him.

Her heart always beat faster when she saw him, not because she loves him. No, it was because she was so afraid. She feared all the things about her that he could never find out. If she talked to him, the tug in her heart directed at him would only grow stronger. That's what happens to soulmates. There's a tight rope that connects them, and it constantly haunts them. Since she knows it's him she's destined to be with, the sense is only heightened until it's sometimes the only thing she can think about.

One afternoon, she sat outside the gym on the ground, cold and hard under her. She didn’t really know why she decided to sit there, right across from the room her soulmate was throwing around a volleyball with his teammates. The distinct sound of spikes rung out in her ears, balls pounding to the floor like rockets. Thud, over and over again until it was only background noise.

She found herself stuffing her earbuds in her ears, desperate to avoid the sound. Even with the music up, the memory of the noise still wreaked havoc on her concentration. Why couldn't she just stand up and leave? Why didn't she just go home? Why did she torture herself by sitting there, foolishly waiting for the practice to end just so she could see Oikawa leave the gym with a smile on his face and a bounce in his step, Iwaizumi right beside him?

For a long time, she watched the wind. It blew at the trees scattered about. It whistled past her ears. It kissed her skin, one thing she would never receive in her life. She wanted to be kissed like never before, to feel her heart racing, her hands running through his hair, rough hands roaming her waist and hips; she wanted it all. Yet, she settled for the wind.

The gym doors opened. A few members exited, ones she didn't know, nor did she particularly care about. It took a couple more minutes for her one and only to leave the gym. He looked positively gorgeous, almost glowing in the dusk. Oh, how she wanted to say something to him.

Iwaizumi walked out behind him, shutting and locking the door for the night. He was always the responsible of the two, she’d noticed. Oikawa liked to have fun, be reckless and exhausting while the ace took his time to scold his captain for those qualities.

Y/N pretended to be reading a book. She always pretended to read as to not get caught being a creep waiting outside the gym for a glimpse. She wasn't a fangirl; she was an observer of the ugly truth.

Unfortunately, today she caught someone’s eye.

The boy she stared at on a daily basis came walking towards her alarmingly fast. If he were any slower, she could manage to escape without being thrown into a trainwreck of a conversation bound to happen. She didn't want him to know her. She wanted to stay anonymous on the sidelines.

She only ever wanted to be a background character.

“Hey! I see you around all the time. I've been wondering why you always sit outside the gym,” his voice, so vividly cheerful, rang out in her ears. She removed her earbuds, shoving them into her pocket. Although she was afraid, there was still an intense need to hear his voice directed at her.

Her head did not lift from its downward tilt at her lap; it was suddenly too heavy to pick up. Her throat ran dry like a desert as she struggled for something to say. Anything. She could say almost anything. It didn't matter.

“I like the wind and the trees.” That was all she could say and all she wanted to say. It wasn't deep, and it barely meant anything. It was pathetically simple, yet so confusing at the same time.

“Come on, shittykawa. Leave her alone,” the strict one groaned, urging his friend to leave. For some reason, unbeknownst to him, he was curious about this one girl. He wanted to know her, as strange as that seemed. He’d never met her, although he saw her around often.

In a moment, instead of turning and walking away like the girl and his friend wanted him to do, his form plopped down beside her and propped against the wall. He leaned in to see what book she was reading. The topic was aliens, those damn extraterrestrials that he found so compelling. She shared an interest, a very weird one at that, which only caused him to need answers.

“I’m Oikawa Tooru,” he introduced. She knew his name though. Who didn't?

He waited for a reply. So, she gave it to him. “I’m L/N Y/N.”

She was so quiet. So different from him. Her voice radiated a sort of reserved kindness, a soft wisp of silent hopefulness that he needed to know more about. Again, he had no idea why he felt so obligated to do this.

He felt like he needed to know everything.

“Sooo, L/N-chan~, you’re reading a book on aliens,” he commented, scanning the book again. “Do you believe in aliens?” It was a silly question, a very stupid one indeed. He was just dying to start a conversation.

She nodded softly, daring to peek up at him. He had such beautiful eyes, soft brown ones she's only seen from afar. Now, being so close, she didn't want to ever look away. Yet, she did.

“I’ve always been interested in them,” she confessed nervously. What if he thought she was some weirdo for believing in something so nonsensical as aliens. It was making her brain hurt just thinking about the ridicule to come.

Only, it never came.

“Me too! I watch those sci-fi movies all the time!” He had this stupid smile on his face that she knew she couldn't dare look at. If she did, she wouldn't be able to look away. Instead, a small curl of her lips bloomed on her own face. “Have you ever seen Space Uprising? It's my favorite,” he asked.

“Of course. It's my favorite too.” What a coincidence.

“Wow, L/N-chan!. That’s awesome!” Finally, she felt herself unraveling. The caution she had did not dissipate completely, no, but she felt comfortable. She set her book to the side, letting her eyes lift to gaze at his features.

He couldn't help but gaze back, wondering how he missed this girl for all these years.

______________________

Y/N still wasn't used to hearing his voice call out for her. He would rush up behind her in the hallways, crowded with girls who wanted to stab her. Most had never seen her before, and wondered how such a weird girl could gain the attention of their favorite princely setter.

Everyday at lunch, he made sure she sat with him and Iwaizumi in one of the near empty classrooms. He would call her first name in an almost sing-song tone. Dammit. Y/N loved his voice. It was so sweet and cheerful, yet so full of life that it made her feel alive too. Part of her lived just to hear his melody.

“Y/N-chan, please give me some milk bread, please! You know it's my favorite,” he whined, watching as she unwrapped the delicious treat. Little did he know she only bought the snack because he loved it. Subtly, she wanted him to ask her for some just so she could hear him whine like a little kid. It was addicting.

“Why didn't you bring your own, dummy?” she asked as she broke the small loaf in half. She always did that, scolded him but still offered to help him. It physically hurt her to see him sad. She gave him the half, and the brightest smile broke out on his face. “Happy?”

“Very! You're so nice to me!” the boy cheered

She nodded, about to say something else. But her phone stopped her. Normally, she never receives texts, not unless they were from Oikawa or Iwaizumi. Obviously, they weren't the culprits.

Quietly, she slipped her phone out of her pocket and unlocked it, scanning over her notifications. There was only one actual text, the rest were a bland, disappointing series of unread emails and app messages from companies.

The text was from her younger cousin. For a few seconds, she wondered what the hell she could want. They never spoke, only at parties and holidays.

When she read the text though, her heart sunk in her chest.

‘Hey! I found my soulmate. We met in the mall this morning! His name is Mika, and I can't wait until you can meet him!!’

Her chest tightened. Breaths became ragged. Her heart sunk, soul clenched, mind ran wild. She felt like she was dying, but she couldn't let go.

As she stood up, chair scratching against the floor with a terrifying screech. She didn't say anything, finding that there was no possible way for her to explain how she felt. Oikawa called to her, concerned, but she couldn't turn around. She rushed out of the classroom into the nearly empty hall.

And it was then that she began sobbing. She buried her face into her palms and screamed into her skin. She wanted to just collapse into a pathetic lump on the floor and never get back up to face her friends again.

It always hurt knowing she could never be with her soulmate but hearing of other people enjoying their fate, and it made everything come crumbling down. So, she cried. She cried because she could never love her soulmate. She would never kiss him, hug him, or feel her hands running through his hair. It was all a stupid, reckless dream.

Footsteps approached her, coming from the classroom. All she could think was that Oikawa would come asking her what was wrong, and she would have to keep her mouth shut. She would have to make up some lie, fabricated just to prevent the truth from slipping off her tongue.

Instead, when she felt a warm hand on her shoulder, a deeper voice rung in her ear. “L/N, I saw what the text said.”

She kept silent, only whimpers escaping her lips and shaking her body violently.

“You’re not jealous, so what’s the problem?” he questioned, his head tilted down by her ear so he could whisper. Listening ears and prying eyes could sneak into their conversation, and neither wanted that.

All she could do was shake her head and mutter, “You couldn’t understand, Iwaizumi. You just can't.”

“I have a soulmate, too. I can understand.”

“No, this is different,” she told him without so much as an explanation. He was still deep in the darkness of not knowing, yet he felt he was getting somewhere. There was something locked up in her mind that she refused to let out; it raged on, but she wouldn't accept it.

It was always there, that lack of trust, the single secret that plagued her. Oikawa might have overlooked it; Iwaizumi, though, had his eyes on her from the moment they officially met.

“You’ve been lying to us this whole time, haven't you?” he accused. There was a silence, tense and thick. She had nothing to say. She couldn't lie no matter how much she wanted to. He already knew.

He grabbed her arm before she could yank it away from him. Her precious sleeves were pushed up for the first time in years to reveal that little mark on her wrist. Only three little lines, each one with a small bulb on the edge. It was so simple. So recognizable.

A grimace crossed her face, consuming her emotions with pure fear. He knew. Now, everyone would know. It was horrifying.

“You can't tell him.”

He ignored her as he dropped her wrist from his grasp. “How long have you known?” he asked lowly, his eyes sliding to the door to make sure the boy subjected wasn't listening.

She sighed. “Second year of junior high.”

That was a damn long time. How could she never say anything? It was infuriating. “And you never told him?”

“You know I can't.”

“Actually, no, I don't know,” he growled. “You are his soulmate. You have no right to deprive him of his fate just because you have some inferiority complex.” It was true. She never really thought about it that way. She assumed he needed to be with someone better than her. He did, but she was his soulmate…

Still, she believed fate had made a terrible mistake.

She pulled down her sleeve and shuffled. “Promise me you won't tell him.”

“Will you?”

“I’ll try.”

“That's not good enough. Swear to me you will tell him,” he lowly commanded, his hand going to grip her shoulder. He needed her to do this one thing, this one terribly important thing. It wasn't her choice, but instead a moral obligation. “If you don't, I will.”

She could only nod. It was time. God, she dreaded the day for years.

_________________________

It was around seven that night. She waited around the gym, watching Oikawa and Iwaizumi practice until they were both tired and hungry. They worked so hard, her soulmate especially. It made her chest bubble with pride.

Tonight, she would reveal that painful secret she kept hidden for years. It had been a week and a half since she was threatened by Iwaizumi, and she knew she didn't have much time left before he went through with his threats. So she waited for them to be done, like she did every day. Only, the other days she never felt like impending doom was reigning over her head.

What if he rejected her? Despite knowing it was the most likely outcome, she couldn't accept it in the pit of her stomach. It ached and stung and turned throughout the night before and into the next day. She wanted to throw up, but it was only in her mind.

That didn't make it hurt any less when she thought about their friendship ending that night. Tears gathered in her eyes as she realized she wouldn't hear his voice, or listen to him rant about aliens, or get his help on her stupid English homework, or watch him beg for her sweets at lunch. She’d never walk home with him again. She’d never ride the train beside him again. She’d never get to hug him again.

She did all her crying the night before, truly the entire week before this day. So, she just sat there, internally wallowing in her crushing self-loathing. How could he possibly fall in love with her one day if she didn't love herself?

Practice ended quickly, faster than she thought possible. And she watched as they walked out of the locker rooms with their club jackets on and bags slung over their shoulders. Oikawa smiled at her, and she couldn't help but send a small smile his way as well. Really, she just wanted to scream.

She stood from the bleachers and walked to her friends’ sides. Iwaizumi wished them a goodbye as he walked down the lengthy sidewalk into town. They were heading the other way, to the train station.

Until the train arrived at their stop, she listened as Oikawa went on about some nonsense he read in a book the night before, something about creatures of the night and a haunted house...She was so lost in thought, she barely listened.

And then they were walking down the road, which was about ten blocks from her house. He always walked her home first and then to his own a little ways away.

“Y/N, what does it feel like to meet your soulmate?” he asked lightly, hands shoved in his pockets and head hanging to stare at his steps. He asked that so suddenly, and she wondered why he would ask her, of all people. For all he knew, she's never met her soulmate. “I mean like, what have you heard about it? From your parents or friends or something…”

“I heard it's an instant connection. You only have to see them before you feel yourself pulled to them. And when you first talk to them, you want to know everything about them, so much that it hurts you. You fall in love with their voice, and their quirks, and their flaws,” she explained, her voice softening. “It only takes a few minutes or even seconds. You fall in love with everything.”

It was quiet for a minute. They kept walking, but she felt like she could just stand there with him for hours. He still didn't  know,  but it felt like she got a chunk of her confession off her chest.  He sent her a side-eyed look, questioning her, “Sounds like you have personal experience.”

“Not really...It's only what my mom and dad told me,” she brushed off the thought swiftly.

He sighed, looking down at the sidewalk once again, eyes shut peacefully. She waited for him to say something...anything. Anything to ease this tension. “I’ve definitely felt that way before. In fact, I’ve felt it everyday for months now. Maybe I'm just exaggerating the symptoms, but I swear it's real, Y/N.”

“Who?”

“That's not important. We’re not soulmates so it doesn't matter.”

He loved someone else.

It was exactly that moment when her heart tore in half. Yet, the pain sent adrenaline through her veins. All those doubts were still there, in fact, she believed that she would be turned down one hundred percent...But, with her heart clenched and a head full of doubts wreaking havoc on her well-being, she felt like it was time. She would lose him now. At least the burden would be lifted from her shoulders.

“Tooru, I lied to you. I’ve met my soulmate.”

He turned to her, stopping in the middle of that empty night sidewalk. His fingers wrapped around her left wrist, the one void of the mark. He stared, so intensely that she thought it would pierce her. “You have?”

“Yeah.”

He only shook his head, hair bouncing around his face. Desperation. It was all over his face and in his eyes. He knew this day would come, but he always dreaded it. “Well, who is it? Do I know him?” The thought of her with someone else physically tortured him, heart beating out of his chest and his legs growing weak.

She shook off his hand gently, moving her fingers to the sleeve of her cardigan. This was the last real moment of their friendship, for better or worse. The last deep breath she took lasted too long and she still felt empty; she felt empty and scared and pitiful.

Her fingers rolled up her sleeve for the first time in his presence and she showed him the mark. “I’m sorry, Tooru. I know I shouldn't bother you, but I just had to tell you, just so you wouldn't look for her anymore,” Y/N whispered, unable to look up at him.

“Why didn't you tell me?” he questioned, gripping her wrist in his hand and staring at it. It was distinctively his, but it didn't make any sense. He couldn't understand. Nothing was making any sense. Did she hate him? Is that why she never told him? “You’ve known all this time and you never said anything? Do I mean nothing to you?”

Fuck, he wanted to be angry, furious, so mad he wouldn't hold back. He was too sad to feel anything else other than the blunt force of dejection.

“No. I care about you. I just couldn't hurt you like this. I never wanted to tell you-”

“Why? Why the hell do you think this hurts me? It hurts that you weren't going to tell me. If you loved me, you would have told me something!” he exclaimed, his passion running dry. He was just so fucking put out by the entire situation. “What is wrong with you?”

Tears fell from her eyes and her face turned red. She knew this was going to happen. She knew telling him would ruin everything. Her breaths came out ragged. It just made her want to run away. He was so angry and hurt and harsh to a point she’s never seen him before.

She whispered to him, so softly you could hear the quivers and hesitation, “I’m sorry. I was afraid. I just wanted to give you a chance at someone you actually want, not me-”

He interrupted her, his voice getting louder and louder as it got harder to breathe. “I want you! I want you so much it hurts. I thought you weren't my soulmate, and I would never have a chance with you,” he exclaimed. “Do you know how much that hurt?!”

The girl stumbled back a bit, her hand pressed to her chest. She could feel the rapid pulsing of her heart against her palm. “Tooru, I-I…” But he did not let her speak.

“I love you! The whole entire school knew I loved you! How could you not get that?” he asked, clutching his hands into fists by his sides as he stared at her. His eyes creamed pain and anger while hers were cold and full of fear. As she shook, his eyes took in her form, her teary eyes and her shaking body. She looked miserable, and regret came crashing down on him. He was still angry that she kept this secret from him all this time, but happiness was beginning to bloom in his chest.

The girl he was in love with was his soulmate.

“Tell me you love me, Y/N.” It was only a breath, a few words to fall from his lips.

She looked up to him finally, her red eyes staring into his. “I’ve loved you for such a long time, Tooru. I’ve always loved you, dammit.”

After a moment, she lost control. The girl rushed up to him, crushing the space between them and crashing into his chest. She wrapped her arms around his neck, her face pressed into his chest. There was no hesitation when he hugged her back, pressing her shaking body to his chest and nuzzling her hair.

“It’s a good thing we’re soulmates then,” he whispered beside her ear.

She laughed, nodding into his chest. “Yeah. A really good thing.”

[marilyngogosworld]

So before I start, I have one question that I am asking everyone. Please just say the answer to yourself and keep it in the back of your mind for now. I'll bring it back into play after I tell my story.

Have you always felt like you are different than everyone else? You can't really explain how or why. I'm not asking if you were popular or not. You could be sitting in a room of hundreds of your close friends and family. Yet you have always felt like you are different.

If you answered yes… Then I have a message for you. What if I told you that I could explain exactly why you have always felt that way.

But first in order to understand my theory, I feel you must know some of my story. Before I left Arizona to start traveling I read this book, it changed my life. The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer. This book talks about only accepting positive energy, never negative. Yes you'll experience negative things in life. But you once experience it you are then capable of letting the energy of that experience go. That's it. No harboring that energy signature. You can't change what has happened. So why are you worrying about it so much?

Let it go.

The book then goes on about numerous other things that help you and your soul. But the thing that changed my life is when it talks about your “2nd Brain” that voice in your head that is non stop, that over thinks everything, that keeps you up and night and literally almost always winds up being negative. The book then guides through a meditation and if it’s done with your whole intention of success it will teach you to shut that “2nd Brain” up. To where you no longer have that voice constantly whirling through your mind at all times. Not one bit. Because let's face it...that voice isn't reality.

What is reality then? It is right here and right now. This present moment. Wherever you are, with the people that are around you and the things in your immediate environment. That is the only reality that you can change. Not the reality of tomorrow. Nor the reality of yesterday. So please tell me why are you even wasting your energy on those thoughts of tomorrow and yesterday? Why in Gods name are you still thinking about it?

I did that meditation and I no longer hear that voice. It's so freeing and peaceful. Once I was able to hush that constant noise I started to notice something different, a sort of 6th sense so to speak.

I started to feel, yes feel, these colors… At first that was the best way to describe it. I first noticed this when I was working in a rather small club in Tulsa, Oklahoma. And I was sitting next to a customer and kept feeling ORANGE,BLUE,ORANGE,BLUE,ORANGE, BLUE. That feeling was so strong that it completely overtook my mind and it was as if his conversation with me was just a faint buzz in the background. So after having a mini internal freak out, I realized it was his energy - his Aura that I was feeling. So I grabbed my phone and Google’d the color of people's auras. I then handed him my phone and asked him to read those two colors, and to tell me if he thinks it accurately describes him. Well it was spot on. Since that first intuitive moment of knowing he was an orange-blue individual I have been reading everyone's aura with incredible accuracy. I can feel the color of people's auras . I had a gift , thats what I like to call it at least. A gift that I was able to hone in on and push its boundaries, the strength of my mental capacity , the ability to make it stronger, and more able to control. I became capable of being in control of my energy to the point of it affecting others if I wanted it to .

So fast forward to this year , Feb 2016 . Im sitting in my favorite dive bar in Tulsa, Oklahoma once again, writing on my blog like I always do, When a middle aged gentleman comes into the bar and go and gives everyone a hug, I had no idea who this was mind you . Then he proceeds to sit across the bar from me , looks up at me and asks

“ What are you doing? Writing in your diary ?” with a smug grin on the scruffy face of his

Me- “ NOOoooooo, Well actually ya kinda , it's my blog , which is a story about my life … So yes , yes I guess I am writing in my diary .”

Him - “ Well I have a story for you .” Said very matter of factly

Me- “Oh really ?? Do tell “ and i cross my arms in front of me .

“ In due time , in due time “ he said I shrug my shoulders and go back to my writing . Well a couple hours pass and the gentleman's friends that came with him finally left . And he then came and sat right next to me .

He leans back, looks at my wings I have tattooed on my back and says …. “Angel wings huh?? ….. Very fitting . “

I shrug off the comment , I knew they weren't angel wings , they had their own meaning , and I knew that .

And that's when things got a bit intense , and my whole direction in life changed . He then looked me straight in the eyes , a little too close for comfort in fact and said “ You have no idea how powerful you are do you ?” Instantly the hairs on the back of my neck stood at attention , a mental warning to myself , because I hadn't had told hardly anyone about my gift. How did he know ? My feelers went out and I began reading him , he wasn't evil , or even negative at all , it was a different energy and color but it wasn't bad by any means . Now intrigued with this creature , I came back to reality , and he then made another statement , just as intense as the first. “ You have no idea WHO you are , now do you ?

Knee jerk reaction stick out my hand to shake his and with a shitty grin and a higher pitched voice that usual said “Yes I do my name is Alina Gifford “ being the smart ass that I can be . He rolled his eyes while grumbling out a very funny .

He then proceeded to write down this name on a piece of paper and scooted it over to me, telling me to look this up . And what popped up on the screen was a picture of an archangel , Metatron . Now if you have never heard of metatron , I suggest you look into it . And all the other archangels in fact. You'll understand why here in a minute . So Metatron is an arch angel sent down here to meet like minded people tell them, who they are , their purpose , and then to write the truth about it . That last part is what really caught my attention - Write the truth about it - Well I AM a writer, and every single one of my stories are 100% the truth besides the names of the people involved . Being so confused and not really wanting to connect the dots with this archangel and I .. I played dumb and stuttered out “ So what is this ? …. This is me ? This is my arch angel? I don't get it “

“This is your archangel yes , but he is guiding you with his purpose as well , that is why you are here , this is your divine path. I know you have unique capabilities , as do I , Mine is more of a messenger type path , that's why I am here tonight . I knew that I needed to go out tonight to find someone , I didn't know who until I saw you. This is what you must do, you have to to find the ones that have a gift like you and I and tell them. “

ME . - I can't do that people are going to think that I'm crazy, telling them they have a gift?!

Him - “You can, and you will. That is the only way that they will know answer to tap into their gift you must tell them because the ones that have a gift are the ones that are meant to stay and populate this earth. You must find them , and tell them because bad things are going to happen very soon and we need everyone that has these special abilities to be ready. Because there is going to be death all around us , chaos , and mass destruction.”

He told me that the people I would meet wouldnt be the ones that just had an easy life , that had everything handed to them . They would be the ones that had lived a harder life, that had been knocked down so many times, but always got their butts back up and made it work. He said that “We” did that so that the ones with a gift would have empathy for others when times got hard , and would help up their brothers and sisters even if they were that homeless person on the street, They would know that they had a good soul and needed to be here in the world. The messenger also said that know that I know my gift that the gifted ones would basically FLOCK to me . They would feel drawn to me , almost as if they had to meet me , and once meeting me would feeling completely comfortable telling me things they never tell even their closest of friends. He went on to explain a bit more and with his every word I could feel that it all was the truth. Not once did I even question it . My soul knew that it was the truth.

I’m sure that you all are either intrigued because this hits home , or you think I’m bat shit crazy. Some of you might already know what Im talking about , some might not , but just know this , if You answered the question I asked above with a YES , then you have a gift , and this gift will eventually make itself known. If you train your mind to quiet that 2nd brain, the overthinking , the racing thoughts , the often negative thoughts that pull you from living in the now . That is when your gift will be able to come out and be noticed . Because its not being clouded by those constant clouding thoughts .

Now each one of you will have a different gift and your own perception of it is unique. I have started to categorize these gifts yet not one individual will necessarily be like another. There are: Protectors - the ones that have an innate ability to walk into a room and see what is going to happen before it happens and instinctively protect. Healers, Seerers, Master Communicators, Nurturers, Warriors, Lightworkers, as well as a few more.

I know you all are questioning this whole theory, some with intrigue and some with doubt. That's what I want you to do. I want you to question your very existence. Your reason for being here on Earth. So that you can begin to expand your mind. I will give you a very simple way to know if the information you research is true or a falsity .Now I employ you all to do some research of your own , and the way you know the truth , although not the easiest pill to swallow and your mind might try to sway you to the logical explanation . But if you feel a tightness in your chest , and anxiousness when pondering this topic then that's obviously not the right answer or the right way , now if you feel at peace , and calm , that is the truth. Your soul knows where it needs to go.

And since that night, with so much information to process , I began on my divine path . Meeting all kinds of people , being open to everyone and their energy. Going on these adventures that I never thought I'd ever experience, especially because they were spiritually driven . And meeting so many people with these amazing gifts. With all of them having a common denominator of feeling like they don't fit in , that there is and has always been something more to life . I finally came up with a name for all of as well , we are the misfits of society .

And I am so excited to meet more of you , to come find you, and help you understand and fill that void that you feel, fill it with your true purpose to be on this earth my misfits and I grow stronger and more knowledgeable as we enlighten our minds with the truths of this amazing universe and what it has in store for us .

[nayeon-sadly-owns-me]

Welcome back for the final part of my mini series revolving around Gold Dust if you need to read my Part One and/or Part Two here are the links. Depending on if people want to hear my theories, I’ll leave that up to any feedback I get. I also might do Fool’s Gold, who knows. (I know.) Yes this is still long af because you gotta go out with a bang.

Part 3

Chapter 2 Second Half

Spoilers beyond here-

Last time we left off with Nayeon and Momo overlooking the city on the same cliff that Nayeon learned that having sex with someone you have feelings for is beyond comparison to having manipulation sex.

We pick things up with Nayeon returning to Seungyeon’s room after being forced to actually be on time for once via Momo. Funny seeing as it’s hinted at the beginning of the group session mentions that Momo tends to be a few minutes late so she is the last one to enter and first to leave.

When asked if she likes the Starry Night, we get another view of just how much Momo has affected her thinking. She lets it stay up because the stars remind her of Momo. Interesting facts about this painting is that it was painted after Vincent van Gogh experienced a mental breakdown and sought treatment in a mental asylum. The painting itself has been interpreted as him painting his darkest night but still finding hope in the star’s light (and the houses below). It really is a painting suitable for Nayeon and how Momo has given her hope.

On the surface, Nayeon buying and giving Momo a phone so she can be there in case something is wrong, is a pretty simple answer to accept. Except, Nayeon has strong emotional ties towards keeping her phone on her and making sure she can contact her dad and now Momo. Her strong push for Momo to take the phone is now physical evidence that Momo’s concerns are now hers just like with her father. She needs to know that they are okay at all times, so it’s important Momo has a phone. Also she has hit the lovey stage where any minute they’re apart she misses her but you didn’t hear that from me.

Like any addict, if you give them an easy route to obtaining their drug of choice, they will probably cave and do it. Despite all her ramblings about how Seungyeon’s preaching was bullshit, she finds herself having an identity crisis because her grasp on who she is has been altered. It’s out of spite that she tries to force herself back into the game, but she can’t. Momo has become too important to her to except any less now.

Bringing it back to Nayeon describing how different sex with Momo was compared to all the others, it was the first time she had felt the ecstasy that is supposed to be felt. Anything less than that will now feel unacceptable as she is now experiencing.

In comparison to how Momo makes her feel, not even substances can top it.

It’s why you can’t knock this couple as having an overly toxic relationship because despite their flaws, they make each other better. More on this though when Chapter 3 comes out, whenever it does.

For all the talk of Nayeon wanting Momo to have a phone in case she needs her, it’s actually Nayeon who calls Momo. It leads to another situation where it could be late at night but if Nayeon calls then Momo will be there. Just like if Momo called her, Nayeon would be there.

We get to see the difference between Momo and Nayeon when it comes to how they feel about coming to each others houses sort of how they were when they came into each others lives. Momo gives warning and politely waits outside to be invited in. Nayeon speeds over and announces her arrival like it’s her life’s mission.

Earlier in the scene, it was briefly mentioned that a movie was playing in the background. Nayeon treated it as no big deal and used it as white noise. Now we have Momo who is completely fixated on the movie because she doesn’t have the luxury to watch tv. In fact, I’m sure she would have been captivated by anything on the tv. What seems small and insignificant to Nayeon is large and important to Momo.

Blanket forts have always been a sanctuary of comfort, especially for kids who are afraid of the dark. They always were portrayed as a place where your demons can’t reach you. It’s a beautiful idea for Momo to suggestion when Nayeon is on the brink of an emotional breakdown from watching Cameron sink, just like how she feels. Despite the fact that Momo has no clue about her extreme anxiety over water or any of her core issues in general, she still triumphs at giving Nayeon a safe space. She doesn’t ask questions, and for the moment it’s the best thing Nayeon could ask for.

It’s arguably the softest scene in the entire two chapters, where they can just exist just by being together.

We get our second scene with Momo and the Maid. It’s important to note that the maid really supports Momo being in Nayeon’s life because of all that she’s seen. Momo has made her better in almost every sense of the word. We have already seen Nayeon changer her attitude towards the staff from when Momo dropped her off and she woke up. This is a nice comparison to Jeongyeon/Seungyeon who haven’t seen the real and fake Nayeon in all her glory.

Momo also has considerable character growth with the fact that she now longs to be somebody to Nayeon. She’s long since abandoned the notion that she is nobody important which is huge for somebody like her.

I like to pretend that Nayeon made her her sandwich because she doesn’t trust anyone in her staff with the job. I can hear her reasoning that if Momo is gonna have practice ALL day then she should have a decent lunch and well she knows what she likes better than the staff so she might as well do it. Then staring at the clock until it was close to the soccer teams lunch time (that she totally didn’t make Dahyun tell her) so she could personally deliver it (absolutely not because she wants to see Momo).

If Momo wasn’t so convinced that Nayeon only sees her as a friend, she would have noticed Nayeon staring at her like she was a 5-course meal. Of course, she rationalizes that it’s because she’s messy and not because Nayeon’s head gets fuzzy when she looks at Momo’s body in general. Subtle isn’t in Nayeons vocabulary.

Something to note, Momo is fiercely protective of Nayeon when it comes to Jeongyeon. She gets much colder. I was actually surprised that the ending line came from Momo instead of Nayeon because we had that little line spoiler during the update phase. I have my own theories on what Jeongyeon is referring to, my thoughts is that it connects to how Momo got into therapy in the first place. My question is what had happened to trigger Momo and how did Jeongyeon discover it? Gotta wait.

They say that when you are attracted to somebody, you begin to show more physical affection because of compromising needs and wants. Up until now, Nayeon had always been extremely cautious to not engage in physical contact because it goes against what she was taught to believe. However, with her mental state constantly reminding her that she’s attracted to Momo, she has to give in to that urge slightly so that it doesn’t drive her insane. Meanwhile, Momo lets it happen because she is openly aware that she likes Nayeon and is happy about this change in her.

If these were two stable people, they would have already come to the conclusion that the feelings of interest are mutual and would stop pretending that they’re just friends. Instead, they continue to never use the term ‘friend’ at all, because they’re not friends at this point. Their not so subtle attraction and die-for-you attitude extends beyond being comfortable with using the term ‘friends’. That’s why you only see them use ‘barely-friends’ or ‘sort-of-friends’ ect ect. If anything, you should already stop reading it as implying of friendship and start implying it as dating.

Even more so that Nayeon is THAT bitch that has to call her person of interest (on speed dial no less) just to hear her voice in the middle of the night. Then calls three more times because obviously something is wrong and she isn’t just sleeping.

Think back to the panic Nayeon showed when she wasn’t sure if her dad was alive still or not because of a missed phone call. Her fear that something happened to Momo might be irrational, but it’s still a fear she has. She has a very real fear that something bad will happen to the people she loves and it bleeds into her daily life.

Their relationship becomes a game of ‘How can I turn this into a reason to show im attached to you without having to say it’ leading to reading, cuddling/sleeping together, and playing footsies. Although Nayeon is comfortable just reading with Momo, she still wants that interaction that leaves her physically satisfied. Admitting you find the person cute is the first step of acceptance. Coming to the realization that you want to kiss them is the second. Her steps of acceptance are messy, just like her.

This scene makes me hope that NaMo adopt a puppy to raise together because it would make Momo the happiest girl alive. It also shows how hopelessly devoted she is towards her even when Sana makes blunt attempts to gain her attention and they fail. It only succeeded in reminding her that the people around her only would only want her for shallow reasons. It seems that it’s her way of dealing with what she thinks is one-sided feelings so she thinks the worst to try to make these feelings go away.

Because of those thoughts, she misses the fact that Nayeon would cut down anyone who tries to get with Momo. Specifically Sana, who has eyes on Momo because of her physical attraction (and Jeongyeon’s manipulation). She also misses Nayeon’s growing fondness of being Momo’s only person, something that will be entertaining to watch when Mina comes into the picture.

It’s frustrating as a reader to watch Nayeon agonize from being sexually frustrated when we know Momo wants the same thing. It’s just dramatic irony playing its role and you have to reminder yourself that both of them think that what they’re doing right now is what the other wants and needs. Nayeon is use to playing the puppeteer so it’s no surprise that she feels a surge of guilt when she makes herself come to the mere idea of it being Momo doing it. It reminds her of her days using people, connecting physical activity with using. Because any slip of want feels like it’s coming from Nayeon’s darker days of having ultimatums instead of her being close to being in love.

Pair of eyes is what I assume to be belonging to Jeongyeon seeing as she has such a harsh reaction later in the scene.

There are subtle hints that Nayeon is about to have one of her irrational breakdowns, Jeongyeon unknowingly is the catalyst for this one. Which is pretty ironic considering she tries to make Momo forget about Nayeon using Sana thus trying to sabotage their thing (one of which she doesn’t know what she’s sabatoging). Like I said, it’s frustrating to read but can’t be written any other way.

When you’re trying to defend your relationship to someone you fucked over (in more ways than one), describing said person as fragile as your defense is not the best way to go. It already shows that her defenses are weak. If Nayeon had a more stable mindset, she could have given a better answer. All it took was Jeongyeon saying “All the more reason to keep her away from you” to cause her into a spiraling breakdown.

Because Nayeon isn’t listening when Momo tries to explain that whatever version of Nayeon Jeongyeon knows, it’s not the same as the version she knows. However, you can’t explain that to somebody that already has their mindset made up. They’re still going to believe what they want to believe.

So, Nayeon does the only thing she can do in this situation. She kisses her and lets herself loose despite all the warning signs. Because, like I mentioned earlier, Nayeon associates sex as a game, she hasn’t gotten to the point where she has separated the two yet. She also ignores Momo in the process and choses to believe that she is only using her.

It’s even worse when Momo starts to blame herself and asks her not to leave her. They’re a dangerous mixture that’s bound to hurt Momo the most just like Nayeon thinks. Nayeon has the ability to come back to reality where she remembers that she wants Momo in her life. Momo, unfortunately, can’t think of this fact (despite Nayeon having already done this several times) because of her abandonment issues.

Seungyeon isn’t blind by any means. Im sure she knows by now that there is something going on between Momo and Nayeon. She is waiting for Momo to speak up about Nayeon, she needs to her for herself how and why they ended up finding each other and what makes it different than Nayeon with her sister. If you think that Jeongyeon is clueless, Seungyeon is arguably more in the dark.

Momo’s coping mechanism isn’t strong enough to combat Nayeon’s latest meltdown, and it shows just how worn down she is. She draws stars in the night sky, although it’s not the comforting kind. It’s the kind of picture that makes her remember what it was like to want to kill herself. Having both these scenes back to back creates a genuine emotion of feeling hurt for these characters because you see how broken they really are.

With Nayeon back down to earth or as close as Im Nayeon can be, she explains her self-created fuck up to her father. Fighting against her latest substance hangover, no doubt the pills from the living room. Although her defenses are lowered enough to admit her feelings, it’s not enough to stop the fact that she can’t say it to him while he’s awake. It’s the third step towards acceptance though.

This isn’t a quick fix though and too many things around her make it impossible to ignore it. Such as, a letter from her mother in prison. We don’t get the context of what the letter says, but we know the anguish it causes her.

She takes being over-dramatic to new heights as she tries to show Momo just how destructive she can be when dealing with a crisis. Her mother treated her like shit and now she feels like she can only treat people like that too. Granted, she has followed through on that in the past. No good deeds will ever replace that, and Nayeon is all too well aware of this fact.

She destroys her mother’s favorite car and topples it down a cliff as a grand message to Momo as physical proof of the point she is trying to get across. I want to remind you that Momo has no context on what happened with Nayeon and her parents. All she knows is that it’s bad and she is trying to scare her off because of it.

The opposite happens of course, it’s Momo after all, and she admits that she’s tired of pretending and just wants to be with her. Making it clear that she is aware of Nayeon’s indecisive behavior that keeps Momo from standing on solid ground for more than a couple of days. Despite the fact that we know how horrendous Momo is with words, she is the one who comes up with what to say in order to snap Nayeon out of it. (for now)

It’s true that Momo gives her more chances than she deserves and that is what has given Nayeon the ability to not think about the consequences of her actions. With the apparent idea that Momo is done, it brings her back to reality that that’s not what she wants but she’s conflicted.

In the end, Momo demands an answer for the second time, and gets nothing.

Instead we’re brought back to Nayeon’s thoughts and how they reflect Seungyeon’s words when they talked about hating the sunset/sunrise. Nayeon tries to burn things to the ground to avoid the pain of liking something and having it not work out. If it doesn’t work out. Throwing away her own words/thoughts along with a bottle of wine (her failed coping mechanism), Nayeon gets her act together roughly the last time of the chapter.

If there is one thing I want to know out of the Sana/Momo thing, it’s if Momo was the one to approach her because of the offer Sana made at the park. My guess is yes.

It’s nice to know Seulgi is as amused with Jeongyeon messy scheme as the readers are.

Nayeon could have threatened Sana, curse her out, physically dealt with her. Instead she just tells her to get the fuck out. Because THIS Im Nayeon doesn’t hurt people. Especially not in front of Momo (until she feels like she has too).

(You can ignore this section. This is my bitch about the situation even though it makes sense in story section)

As someone who has played both High school and college lacrosse, these next few scenes bother me for it being the fact that its arguably the least realistic part of the whole story. No coach in their right mind would allow their players to fuck around with the crowd to stall just because one player isn’t there. Stalling can lead to forfeiting by default. Jeongyeon wouldn’t have time to talk to Sana because nobody is allowed on the field except for staff and players. Not to mention I’ve never met a coach that is okay with their players using their phone before a game much less the starting goalkeeper. Don’t get me started on how may rules Nayeon broke tackling Lisa and Momo just leaving-

What’s worse is that it moves the plot along so I can’t even be properly annoyed at this. You win this round Stormy.

Anyways,

What Nayeon couldn’t say in the locker room, she lets out by tackling Lisa who had just slide-tackled Momo to the ground and calling her out. At worse she should receive a yellow card for an irresponsible tackle but alas, we are treated to an angry Im Nayeon. Remember what I said about her never wanting to physically hurt anybody in front of Momo? Yeah, that goes out the window when somebody dares to hurt Momo even if it is not on purpose.

Despite the drama, Nayeon’s actions are self-justifiably (although not excused) fueled by emotions that have been boiling since she left Momo in her car.

Now that she has released all that pent up energy, she is now left to come to terms with what she has done. By the time Momo finds her, she’s drained and arguably at her best to talk to about feelings.

Except they don’t talk. Instead Nayeon does what she knows how, and that’s to kiss Momo into believing that this time she isn’t going to leave her. I keep being brought back to the time when Nayeon first tried to kiss her when Momo asked her to show her something real. Although in fic time it was only a few weeks ago, it shows that now the definition of real has changed for Momo. At least when it concerns Nayeon.

Rest assured that her feelings are returned, she finally admits to wanting Momo back. There were three times that Nayeon had come to find Momo to talk about her feelings- whether to keep her in her life or finally admit her feelings. 3 seemed to be the magic number for this fan fic.

Throughout this story, there would be thoughts put in parenthesis that would be repeated three times. 99% of the time, they were thoughts that were untrue or wrong in some way. When Nayeon repeats I promise aloud 3 times for Momo to hear, it has me wondering if that is what makes it true. It is a noticeable difference if you’re looking for it. I’m going to give it the benefit of the doubt.

Also NaMo are THAT couple that will bang in a classroom because of the pent up sexual frustration and just can’t wait because they have each other right there and why stop at kissing.

We’ve seen Nayeon make strides to get over her addictions (although she has a long way to go). Most impressively would be Momo. For years she practiced hard to become a star soccer player. I would put money on the fact that she has never skipped a practice or game. The fact that she was willing to leave a big game to go check up on Nayeon shows just how important she has become to her. It’s enough to leave the thoughts of her parents behind, whether she still has lingering thoughts about them or not.

From Nayeon worrying about Momo ruining her reputation, to now being regarded as Momo’s girlfriend by probably the whole student body- she’s come a long way in that regard.

You know Nayeon must have had a good time earlier when she doesn’t try anything after seeing Momo in just her underwear and a shirt.

Despite Momo’s attitude of accepting the idea of Nayeon not wanting her- I really don’t think that’s what she truly thought was real deep down in her subconscious. Because when Nayeon finally told her how she felt, Momo showed no signs of believing it to be false. She just hesitated to make sure that Nayeon wasn’t going to have another meltdown. Despite what she may or may not believes, she has to hear it from Nayeon so it’s good that they got to talk that out.

We get to our third maid and Momo scene, the one where Momo can finally introduce her as a somebody because finally she is now with Nayeon. It’s a little concerning that she felt like the only way to be somebody to Nayeon was to be romantically linked to her, but that is just another one of her issues that I hope to see worked out someday.

(I also want to say that I think it’s adorable that Momo associates home with Nayeon now.)

At some point Momo had to have told her where she gets her gum because Nayeon goes to Seungyeon for it of all people. Nayeon could have bought a whole counter of it if she wanted to. Instead she goes to the source that has helped Momo out even with small gestures.

Going back to the text that Jeongyeon had sent her sister, you have to understand that she only has that to go off of. Seungyeon had to have been there for Jeongyeon when the whole Nayeon thing was over. She knows how much damage Nayeon can do to Momo. That’s why she is so concerned. A part of me wishes that she just ask them about it, but that’s against therapy code (no really it is). Although Momo was never an open book with her, she still knows how unstable her mindset is. Just another case of the missing details factor on Seungyeon’s part that leads to her concern.

We get a tease that Nayeon had something to do with her father’s hospital stay, sadly we haven’t been told enough to be able to think about what that something is.

Instead of flying off the handle about the hospitals lack of contacting her about her father, she goes to Momo in perhaps one of her most vulnerable state.

Up until this point, neither of them have genuinely cried in front of each other because the other has walked away or turned away before they could. Now we see Momo embrace a sobbing wet Nayeon with as much love and care as she can then proceed to get her dried off and wearing clean clothes. The moment feels very rewarding. (Also, this is the first time we see Momo be the one holding Nayeon for a change.)

I have a theory about this water dream- That her mother is in prison for trying to drown her for causing her father’s hospitalized condition. She is recreating the scenario in the form of a nightmare probably brought about from her panic over her father being missing earlier. The reason why she is drowning Momo can be because of her expressed feelings of treating people the way her mother taught her and treated her.

Of course now she has made an effort to escape that way of expressing herself in the form of her thinking she is drowning Momo but can’t stop it. As most nightmares representing trauma do not give you the freedom to change anything from the scenario that it was developed from. While I sincerely don’t think this dream is suggesting Nayeon would actually do something like that to Momo, it’s ominous and could be foreshadowing about their relationship. For now, Momo is still with her and everything is fine.

I don’t need to analyze anything to know that Momo’s parents were two atrocious parents for what they’ve done to their child. It’s a wonder that it took Nayeon so long to figure it out seeing as they’ve both been left alone in their own respectable houses.

If we are basing their birthdays as the same as the irl NaMo, it would mean that Momo had to be 11 when her parents abandoned her. (Nayeon would be a year older, making her 18) (BUT, their birthdays could be adjusted to only being a few months apart making Momo 18 as well. Dunno. It’s up to Stormy.)

Regardless, now that Nayeon knows the root of Momo’s issues, she makes a promise that I don’t know if she will be able to keep. I want her to be able to keep it because they both need it, but habits are habits.

We end the chapter with the revelation of what we already knew, Nayeon is falling in love with Momo.

Will Nayeon’s mom be released from prison? Will Jihyo come back for revenge? Will something bad happen to Nayeon’s dad? Will water be involved at some point? What role does Mina have to play? Will NaMo be happy for once in this god damn fic?

Tune in next time.

Thank you for reading : )

[marilyngogosworld]

So before I start, I have one question that I am asking everyone. Please just say the answer to yourself and keep it in the back of your mind for now. I'll bring it back into play after I tell my story. Have you always felt like you are different than everyone else? You can't really explain how or why. I'm not asking if you were popular or not. You could be sitting in a room of hundreds of your close friends and family. Yet you have always felt like you are different. If you answered yes… Then I have a message for you. What if I told you that I could explain exactly why you have always felt that way. But first in order to understand my theory, I feel you must know some of my story.  Before I left Arizona to start traveling I read this book , it changed my life. The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer. This book talks about only accepting positive energy, never negative. Yes you'll experience negative things in life. But you once experience it you are then capable of letting the energy of that experience go. That's it. No harboring that energy signature. You can't change what has happened. So why are you worrying about it so much? Let it go. The book then goes on about numerous other things that help you and your soul. But the thing that changed my life is when it talks about your “2nd Brain”  that voice in your head that is non stop, that over thinks everything, that keeps you up and night and literally almost always winds up being negative. The book then guides through a meditation and if it’s done with your whole intention of success it will teach you to shut that “2nd Brain” up. To where you no longer have that voice constantly whirling through your mind at all times. Not one bit. Because let's face it...that voice isn't reality. What is reality then? It is right here and right now. This present moment. Wherever you are, with the people that are around you and the things in your immediate environment. That is the only reality that you can change. Not the reality of tomorrow. Nor the reality of yesterday. So please tell me why are you even wasting your energy on those thoughts of tomorrow and yesterday? Why in Gods name are you even thinking about it? I did that meditation and I no longer have that voice. It's so freeing and peaceful.Once I was able to hush that constant noise I started to notice something different, a sort of 6th sense so to speak . I start feeling , yes feeling, these colors … At first that was the best way to describe it .  I was working in a club in Tulsa Oklahoma, and it was a rather small club , where I first noticed this . And I was sitting next to a customer , and kept feeling ORANGE,BLUE,ORANGE,BLUE,ORANGE, BLUE. That feeling was so strong that It was completely overtaking my mind and it was as if his conversation with me was in the background . So after having a mini internal freak out , I realized it was his energy his Aura that I was feeling . So I got out my phone and trusty old Google.com and looked up the color of people's auras. Handed this customer the phone and asked him to read those two colors, and let me know if that describes him.  Well it was spot on ., and since then  I have been spot on 99.9% of every time I read someone . I can feel the color of people's auras . I had a gift , thats what I like to call it at least.  A gift that I was able to hone in on and push its boundaries, the strength of my mental capacity , the ability to  make it stronger, and more able to control.  I became capable of being in control of my energy to the point of it affecting others if I wanted it to . So fast forward to this year , Feb 2016 . Im sitting in my favorite dive bar in Tulsa, Oklahoma once again, writing on my blog like I always do, When a middle aged gentleman comes into the bar and go and gives everyone a hug, I had no idea who this was mind you . Then he proceeds to sit across the bar from me , looks up at me and asks “ What are you doing? Writing in your diary ?”  with a smug grin on the scruffy face of his Me- “ NOOoooooo, Well actually ya kinda , it's my blog , which is a story about my life … So yes , yes I guess I am writing in my diary .” Him - “ Well I have a story for you .” Said very matter of factly Me- “Oh really ?? Do tell “ and i cross my arms in front of me . “ In due time , in due time “ he said I shrug my shoulders and go back to my writing . Well a couple hours pass and the gentleman's friends that came with him finally left . And he then came and sat right next to me . He leans back, looks at my wings I have tattooed on my back and says …. “Angel wings huh?? ….. Very fitting . “ I shrug off the comment , I knew they weren't angel wings , they had their own meaning , and I knew that . And that's when things got a bit intense , and my whole direction in life changed . He then looked me straight in the eyes , a little too close for comfort in fact and said “ You have no idea how powerful you are do you ?” Instantly the hairs on the back of my neck stood at attention , a mental warning to myself , because I hadn't had told hardly anyone about my gift.  How did he know ? My feelers went out and I began reading him , he wasn't evil , or even negative at all , it was a different energy and color but it wasn't bad by any means . Now intrigued with this creature , I came back to reality , and he then made another statement , just as intense as the first. “ You have no idea WHO you are , now do you ? Knee jerk reaction stick out my hand to shake his and with a shitty grin and a higher pitched voice that usual said “Yes I do my name is Alina Gifford “ being the smart ass that I can be . He rolled his eyes while grumbling out a very funny . He then proceeded to write down this name on a piece of paper and scooted it over to me, telling me to look this up . And what popped up on the screen was a picture of an archangel , Metatron . Now if you have never heard of metatron , I suggest you look into it . And all the other archangels in fact. You'll understand why here in a minute . So Metatron is an arch angel sent down here to meet like minded people tell them, who they are , their purpose , and then to write the truth about it . That last part is what really caught my attention - Write the truth about it - Well I AM a writer, and every single one of my stories are 100% the truth besides the names of the people involved . Being so confused and not really wanting to connect the dots with this archangel and I .. I played dumb and stuttered out “ So what is this ? …. This is me ? This is my arch angel? I don't get it “ “This is your archangel yes , but he is guiding you with his purpose as well , that is why you are here , this is your divine path. I know you have unique capabilities , as do I , Mine is more of a messenger type path , that's why I am here tonight . I knew that I needed to go out tonight to find someone , I didn't know who until I saw you. This is what you must do, you have to to find the ones that have a gift like you and I and tell them.   “ ME . - I can't do that people are going to think that I'm crazy, telling them they have a gift?! Him -  “You can, and you will. That is the only way that they will know answer to tap into their gift you must tell them because the ones that have a gift are the ones that are meant to stay and populate this earth. You must find them , and tell them because bad things are going to happen very soon and we need everyone that has these special abilities to be ready. Because there is going to be death all around us , chaos , and mass destruction.”   He told me that the people I would meet wouldnt be the ones that just had an easy life , that had everything handed to them . They would be the ones that had lived a harder life, that had been knocked down so many times, but always got their butts back up and made it work. He said that “We” did that so that the ones with a gift would have empathy for others when times got hard , and would help up their brothers and sisters even if they were that homeless person on the street, They would know that they had a good soul and needed to be here in the world. The messenger also said that know that I know my gift that the gifted ones would basically FLOCK to me . They would feel drawn to me , almost as if they had to meet me , and once meeting me would feeling completely comfortable telling me things they never tell even their closest of friends.    He went on to explain a bit more and with his every word I could feel that it all was the truth.  Not once did I even question it . My soul knew that it was the truth.   I’m sure that you all are either intrigued because this hits home , or you think I’m bat shit crazy. Some of you might already know what Im talking about , some might not , but just know this , if You answered the question I asked above with a YES , then you have a gift , and this gift will eventually make itself known. If you train your mind to quiet that 2nd brain, the overthinking , the racing thoughts , the often negative thoughts that pull you from living in the now . That is when your gift will be able to come out and be noticed . Because its not being clouded by those constant clouding thoughts . Now each one of you will have a different gift and your own perception of it is unique. I have started to categorize these gifts yet not one individual will necessarily be like another. There are: Protectors - the ones that have an innate ability to walk into a room and see what is going to happen before it happens and instinctively protect. Healers, Seerers, Master Communicators, Nurturers, Warriors, Lightworkers, as well as a few more. I know you all are questioning this whole theory, some with intrigue and some with doubt. That's what I want you to do. I want you to question your very existence. Your reason for being here on Earth. So that you can begin to expand your mind. I will give you a very simple way to know if the information you research is true or a falsity .Now I employ you all to do some research of your own , and the way you know the truth , although not the easiest pill to swallow and your mind might try to sway you to the logical explanation . But if you feel a tightness in your chest , and anxiousness when pondering this topic then that's obviously not the right answer or the right way , now if you feel at peace , and calm , that is the truth. Your soul knows where it needs to go.        And since that night,  with so much information to process , I began on my divine path . Meeting all kinds of people , being open to everyone and their energy.  Going on these adventures that I never thought I'd ever experience, especially because they were spiritually driven . And meeting so many people with these amazing gifts. With all of them having a common denominator of feeling like they don't fit in , that there is and has always been something more to life . I finally came up with a name for all of  as well , we are the misfits of society .   And I am so excited to meet more of you , to come find you, and help you understand and fill that void that you feel, fill it with your true purpose to be on this earth  my misfits and I grow stronger and more knowledgeable as we enlighten our minds with the truths of this amazing universe and what it has in store for us .