#im so tired. im so tired. why wasnt this a dm. i dont really want to have this discussion publicly.

[hungersauce]

im gonna be real anon I don't care about label shit ship discourse I care about if real people are getting hurt and ONE reblog from someone being jokingly aggressive on the subject isn't enough to convince me that people are getting hurt when there's more evidence to the contrary. you've put me in a shitty situation here and I don't want to engage with it. please just ask people what they actually think next time before you go throwing your assumptions at other people.

[routersims]

president mind situation my take AND WHY I WAS WRONGLY BANNED!!!! (and why you shouldnt hate me!) TW/CW: mentions of shipping (sorta) and nsfw (chonny jash

this gonna be a long wall of text just sayin.. but pleeaaase read im tired of people slandering my name when im not bad.

im way better than the people who got me banned i was literally a scapegoat bro.. cordial and corey and all them mfs are so weird but thats a whole different thing

OK!! FIRST: Addressing the things i was banned for.

i was banned for hms sex jokes and erp yea true there is literally proof of the sex jokes but they're nothing but jokes even ppl who are told of the incident laugh at the screenshots because its so obvious that i WAS KIDDING. and being banned for erp? with no proof? really? yeah whatever literally none of what i did wrong was in the rules. especially for out of server stuff YEAH. IT WAS OUTSIDE THE FUCKING SERVER… IT WAS ALL IN A PRIVATE GROUP CHAT AND SOMETIMES (RARELY) DMS. everyone in the group chat was completely and 100% fine with EVERYTHING happening! everyone had said so. (let me clarify: there was no out of server rules when we were banned, they added them so they can fucking control their server members over shit like this like bffr.) stuff in the rp wasnt supposed to make anyone uncomfortable or be serious in anyway when it came to sexual stuff, the rp itself actually existed outside of the groupchat with extensive lore but it wasn't really sexual at all. the rp was kept private SO PEOPLE WOULDNT BE UNCOMFORTABLE.. even so, it being private wasnt enough apparently because some little rats had to jump into a place they didnt belong and build a whole ass story off the shit I did wrong?? when i literally did NOTHING against the rules. sure you can be like "oohh you were sexualizing chonny jash" sure! hms were there but we never mentioned chonny himself. we treated all three of them like our own ocs and completely unaffiliated with him, we thought it was fucking weird to sexualize chonny in anyway. (soul wasnt sexualized and anyone else in the rp were just OCs).

i never meant to make anyone uncomfortable, I never meant to make chonny uncomfortable i never meant to do ANYTHING wrong. I didnt think i was doing anything wrong. I didnt do anything wrong by the rules. IT WAS ALL PRIVATE. it was all JOKES. other people (CORDIAL) literally make hms nsfw jokes (AND JUST NSFW) about HMS in PUBLIC and get less backlash than i did? like are you serious? what is this favoritism? what did i even do wrong against the rules or in general if we just fucking allow this stuff?

you all act like im a piece of shit and problematic for what I did. but, I wasnt sexualizing chonny jash. I wasnt making anyone uncomfortable. I wasnt being weird in public. I was just a stupid kid bro, I know what I did was wrong. I'm sorry if you want to hear. i havent erped or done anything sexual since that whole thing.. ESPECIALLY NOT WITH CHONNY JASH!!! i dont even rp HMS in general AT ALL and avoid it outside of my roblox group + youtube channel.

Seriously guys It's been a fucking year I'm tired of you dragging my name when you dont know the whole story. you only know the things said by sal and the people who got me banned and they're ALL FUCKING WEIRDER THAN ME.

they fucking ran into something that wasnt their business, they stole screenshots from a groupchat they werent even in and fucking plotted getting us banned for like a week or two? like how odd are you? cordial's weird. cordial did / does the same shit i did that got me banned BUT WORSE. cordial does even more weird shit I can't disclose because the person who came out to me asked me not to. i quite literally was a scapegoat for this fucking weirdos and im so tired of having my name dragged because of them.

now, Sal?? sals a fucking weirdo too. like how are you the owner of a fucking huge fan server and when your server member gets wrongfully banned you continuously TALK SHIT IN PUBLIC CHAT ABOUT THE WHOLE SITUATION? what kind of a fucking owner are you? you really sat there telling EVERYONE about the situation, dragging my name, and for what. because you were bored? you're a fucking adult and im a minor. need i bring up the weird shit you say in general chat too? i remember seeing you saying weird shit about a server member wearing a collar. fucking creep. now lets talk about the other admins!

who are you—fucking adults when the whole situation was with minros—to ban us out of fucking no where when it wasnt against the rules and private. then fucking drag our names with it. YOU ARE ADULTS. WE ARE KIDS. WE WERE DUMB KIDS. mind your fucking business instead of making it a whole big deal and making everyone hate us for over a fucking year.

HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO STRESS THIS? WE. WERE. DUMB. KIDS. I'M SORRY! I AM. If i made you uncomfortable, tell me! i will personally respond and give you a fucking apology and im 100% serious bro just stop treating me like im a fucking monster.

all I ever wanted to fucking do was make you people laugh and have fun with you then you fucking get me banned and drag my name and call me problematic when the shit i did WASNT EVEN BAD.

i dont care, if you forgive me i'll forgive you and we can forget everything but you have to fucking see my side of the story. you have to look me in the eyes and understand where im coming from; if you're even willing. i dont hate any of you, I still love the community (maybe not chonny jash as much just because I still feel guilty..) and I just wish I could come back and be accepted for the funny gal I once was known as.

I didnt know I was doing anything wrong, not until I was fucking banned out of the blue without being asked my side of the story. until I got that banned message with no context, without a fucking explanation without ANY reasoning or reaching out to me. suddenly everyone I loved in the server where I met all of my friends hated me and thought I was problematic?? i was so fucking sad and confused and nobody gave a SHIT about me.

ur server died and sucks since u banned me btw should've minded your FUCKING BUSINESS. but thats besides the point,

you mods suck. the people who got me banned, suck. the people who slander my name when you dont understand, SUCK!!! and im sorry. im sorry for everything, im sorry for making you uncomfortable and upset, even if I was wronged. I dont know how many times I have to say it or beg to be understood or how many CJ fans I have to re-meet and tell me im really cool and didnt deserve what happened until you actually fucking understand and let me back in, because Im not a piece of shit! im probably the nicest person you'll ever meet, if you even fucking bother to meet me.

i forgive you, please just forgive me and recognize the fact that i aint a monster or problematic.. im just a stupid kid who didnt mean to do any wrong and ive grown since then.

I'll clear up one more thing, because as you know I'm dating mortis (THE MORTIS) and shes a lot more problematic than me:

mortis does her own things and when we started dating she didnt act like this and I know there's kindness in her thats why I dont leave her for her actions. I dont support all the stuff she does, not at all. I'm afraid to talk to her about it (hi mortis you're definitely reading this!) I love her, even though she does the stuff she does.

I'm pro-Palestine, and I love and support everyone regardless if I know you or not. in order to function, we have to all see eachother eye-to-eye. I don't think any of you are insane, or "mentally ill freaks", I love everyone. except you cordial fuck you but I do love everyone else. even if I have a differing opinion, or think a certain way about you or your behavior, I'm not gonna hate on you or go out of my way to bully you like she does and I apologize on her behalf for the things she has said.

separate me from her actions please, I love her and I could never bring myself to leave her unless she actually does physically hurt someone or do something else insanely bad (p.s. shes also pro-palestine she just um is weird about it. clearing that up)

I like chonny jash still (mostly CCCC), I like the community still, I love my girlfriend, I love everyone and I just want to make everyone happy and smile so please stop dragging my fucking name. I. AM. SORRYYY!!! I have so many people that can vouch for me in the community and outside of it, please for once just listen to me and them.

sorry for bad grammar/formatting and repeating myself I'm really trying to get my point across here and just thinking as I type.. (no this is not president mind returning, he wont ever be this is just routersims here and im trying to get people to like me again, maybe!!! maybe even unban me!!!!!!!! im fucking innocent!!!!!)

yea thats about it guys

as for anything with mortis, we have since broken up and i dont want to go back and edit that right now so yeah, its a whole separate thing and i dont wanna talk about it

ok bye

ps. adding chonny jash tag cuz my friends are telling me to, im not trying to get chonny to see it.. just adding this little note!

[cattles-bians]

exes au part 11

post directory

obsetress: i'm about to fully fall asleep but i have been thinking about exes au danvi and like the isabel of it all and dani dating a single mom and how just like

obsetress: vi is so protective of isabel and as much as she loves dani like

obsetress: she took SO LONG before introducing her and then like

obsetress: when they broke up dani left and dani wasnt in isabels life anymore and dani was so good for isabel and viola just feels so fuckin shitty and blames herself and

obsetress: but i'm also thinkin bout soft fluffy stuff too like how much dani loves isabel and how much vi loves watching isabel w dani and

em: hey hannah what the fuck

obsetress: isabel has a nightmare one night and goes to her mom's room and dani's there too and she just curls up between them

em: do you think when they finally reconnected dani was like hey um. does isabel remember me. would it be weird if

obsetress: FUCK

obsetress: this absolutely happens

em: viola is VERY apprehensive at first

obsetress: god yeah esp after getting so hurt by it but

obsetress: viola sure cannot say no to dani!

em: i love some dani with kids tho

em: maybe too soft but do u think for at least a couple years dani would like. send isabel a bday card

em: like dead air otherwise

em: hmm idk i am chewing that one over more

obsetress: god it's hard i think dani wants to but she doesn't

obsetress: i could see dani writing them and holding onto them

em: oh that’s even worse

obsetress: even tho she really doesnt think she'll ever talk to vi again

em: what a soft and depressing thought. thank u. i resent u.

obsetress: yeah it hurts!

obsetress: but then she does! and she gives them all to isabel when she's older maybe

em: hold on i’m gonna bawl

em: sometimes my parents will be like um. do u remember this person and i’m like uh i don’t remember people i worked w two years ago let alone

em: but i think isabel does

em: i will be thinking about this all afternoon bestie have a wonderful slumber

[em note: em yells in hannahs DMs while she's asleep dot png]

em: no um. mate im still furious about the isabel of it all wtf

em: thinking about um. like ok i dont wanna use isabel as a prop but this is certainly one of those times where

em: violas been hurt before and viola's hurt other people before because she's deeply troubled and i feel like that would be one of the first times she sorta. sure she licks her wounds and feels miserable for herself but its also like uh

em: really sobering to realise This Hurts Isabel Too

em: because yknow violas very gatekeep gaslight girlboss i think shes got a strong enough sense of self that nothing really shakes that. maybe even to a deluded degree. i dont think she goes to therapy because shes like wow im fucked up i gotta get help, she's more like

em: shes really driven by her love for isabel!! gestures WILDLY

em: realised this is an au where parents get therapy and dont pass their traumas onto their kids and i want OFF this WILD RIDE im so tired of discovering things about myself through the realm of fiction

obsetress: yeah same i kept thinking about it too alfkadlsfkjdasf

obsetress: i want to reply to every single line of the isabel thing but i'm not gonna do that so let me just say: YEAH

obsetress: like isabel is her cornerstone full stop everything comes down to isabel

em: dani's probably so nervous reconnecting w isabel again. absolutely spinning her lil wheels

em: they set up a lil date and time and dani's doing her gay nervous babble abt if isabel even remembers her or god forbid resents her n jamies like...

em: im pursing my lips as i draw a line on the whiteboard between jamie's whole childhood and isabels and shaking my head Goddamn It

em: jamie lets dani babble it out n pauses and reflects on what she's saying n then jamie's like. the fact ur nervous means u care. n kids are v good at picking up when ppl care. you'll be alright.

obsetress: god yeah this bit i can just. hear it

obsetress: it's so visceral

---

em: viola

obsetress: god my favorite taurus hedonist

[em note: hannah yells in em's DMs while em is asleep dot png]

obsetress: god fuck what was i thinking about isabel this morning like

obsetress: that's what i get for daydreamin between snoozes and not writing it down alas

obsetress: but just like how excited isabel is to see dani again when she does and also like, isabel and rebecca

obsetress: then i started thinking about

obsetress: rebecca and vi getting married and vi's always like i'm not gonna get married again it's bullshit and rebecca's like it's not for me but then they just

obsetress: like they live together and they share everything and rebecca looks out for isabel just as much and they get to a point and it's like

obsetress: oh. oh

obsetress: like they're both like it's the logical thing to do. it's logical and it's safe and we should have this extra layer of protection but also it's like

obsetress: they find themselves more and more excited a lil you know? and just thinking about how isabel's there and how excited isabel is and

obsetress: but god yeah what i was thinking about this morning like. one day vi has to tell isabel dani's not gonna be coming around anymore and like

obsetress: isabel doesn't really understand and she's so sad and then vi feels even shittier

obsetress: and she's like "we'll be okay. it's you and me, remember? moving mountains"

obsetress: "you me us, right?"

obsetress: the first time rebecca meets her she brings her a book as a gift and is like "this was one of my favorites" and

obsetress: OH I REMEMBERED

obsetress: so like when dani sees isabel again finally (and yknow as nervous as dani was vi was even more on edge because it's so inconsistent and is she gonna understand yknow? and the two of them just spiral––which is also another thing about the two of them in a relationship! i think they push each other down spirals)

obsetress: jamie's there too and dani's like "this is... this is, uh, jamie" and it's like you said jamie isabel parallels and so jamie's like a lil tender

obsetress: spoiler: isabel and jamie end up bonding the most

obsetress: jamie's like running around with isabel on her shoulders and then showing her all these plants and taking her to gardens and

obsetress: another tentative jamie vi alliance

em: isabel mikey hangout When

obsetress: isabel mikey hangout!

obsetress: they're hanging with isabel and she and jamie have a very spirited discussion where isabel's like "i wanna be a princess" and dani's like "why not a knight?" and jamie's like "why not opt out of the feudalistic hierarchy entirely and ditch the kingdom for the high seas?" and convinces isabel to go full pirate

obsetress: and then isabel kinda passes out with her head in jamie's lap and jamie's just kinda idly playing with her hair (vi is already like "am i... attracted to jamie in this moment?")

obsetress: and jamie's like "y'know, i should bring mikey round next time isabel's here" and viola's like "......who?" and jamie's like "my little brother? mikey?" and viola's like "right.... right"

obsetress: cut to later, when dani and jamie have retired to vi and becca's guest room: "since when does jamie have a little brother?" "she always has, babe"

em: kinda obsessed w like. violas love for isabel means her wires get crossed when the surly gardener is Good With Kids

obsetress: yeah

obsetress: mikey and isabel immediately hit it off i think

obsetress: a bit of an odd couple because i think isabel is definitely, like, her mother's daughter and mikey is............. mikey

obsetress: but i think they meet in the middle and help each other grow and play pirates together

em: viola is like. of course mikey and isabel will get along. isabel is wonderful. but jamie is quietly Sweating about the whole thing

em: so damvibecca are having their afternoon tea and their little cakes and jamie is Quietly sweating and she’s like ‘quiet is good, right? like they’re not tryna k-‘ and then there’s the sound of two 8 year olds (idk how old they are tbh) YELLING as they chase each other down the hall w wrapping paper tubes

obsetress: nervous babbling dani x quietly sweating jamie, an otp

em: isabel has gotten into the make up n given them both black eyes n scars and moustaches n everyone’s like oh no how’s viola gonna feel about this but viola is DELIGHTED

obsetress: dani's like "chill you all she's gonna––" and then viola is getting up and asking them to do her face too

em: made a parrot outta a sock and newspaper

obsetress: viola playing pirates w isabel and mikey

em: kids w their endless creativity n absolute disregard for personal property is truly a thing of dreams

obsetress: mikey gives her a paper tube and she disarms isabel, takes hers, and offers it very seriously to jamie

em: cuteeee

obsetress: rebecca's giving dani a look and dani is completely unfazed and reaching for another tea cake

em: absolutely unflappable dani clayton

em: dani and rebecca sharing a Look like hey have you ever seen her this gleeful

obsetress: there is something very tasty about jamie taylor having a direct hand in making viola so gleeful

em: takes a village!

obsetress: when viola's two big loves are sitting five feet away from them both

em: everyone changes everyone for the better

em: fucken soft ass chat over here

obsetress: everyone changes everyone for the better

obsetress: soft as hell

em: thesis statement everyone likes each other so much (jamie pretends she doesn’t)

obsetress: (jamie pretends she doesn't) (jamie might like everyone the most)

obsetress: viola registers mikey for isabel's school n pays full tuition

em: oh my god

obsetress: jamie is horrified and refuses to accept it and viola waves a hand and is like "too late, deposit's non-refundable"

em: (they carpool)

obsetress: PLEASE

obsetress: oh god and like

obsetress: flora and miles go there too

obsetress: full circle complete

em: broke: highschool au woke: guardians of primary schoolers au

obsetress: dani jamie in bed jamie's like "you don't...... think it's weird?" "hmm?" "mikey going to.... school with our boss' kids?" "why would that be weird" "i dunno" "he also goes to school with my ex's kid" "he's best friends with your ex's kid" "and that's not weird, is it?" (grumbles) "not anymore" "so why would this be?"

em: jamie’s ribbing mikey for his silly tie and straw hat but she teaches him how to tie a tie and also she keeps crying for some reason???

obsetress: oh fuck

em: mikey: can’t i just get a fake tie >:/

jamie: no because when u have a real tie you can leave it untied a little as an act of rebellion

obsetress: god it's jamie crying for me

em: i love that big baby

obsetress: so much!

em: jamies like idk what’s gotten into me i never cry n danis like. raises one eye brow and mentally checks off all the times jamie has absolutely bawled watching a movie

em: not even a sad movie

em: dani plays along

em: maybe ur getting soft in ur old age jamie

obsetress: jamie i cry three four times a day five if i'm being honest taylor

em: thinking about their weekly weekend lunch w damvibecca and hannah and owen and miles and flora and

obsetress: dfjsldkfjslfslfj

obsetress: god big found family

obsetress: you know viola doesn't like

obsetress: dani and jamie respectfully toe around whatever the fuck owen and hannah have going on but viola just does not suffer it. she's so blunt to them

em: big viola grin and all ‘owen, hannah, i assume you will be each other’s dates?’ (owen chokes on his tiny egg sandwich)

em: hannah grose is serene and unreadable as she dabs a bit off yolk off owens moustache

em: maybe even a bit pleased

obsetress: everyone is always so tense when viola and hannah get together because neither of them take shit yknow

obsetress: and everyone's like "which way is this gonna go"

em: god. peak snarky broads

obsetress: but usually they end up good. two apex predators where one is a lil vicious but the other is so confident in its status that it just chills

em: they have the Best gossip

obsetress: would love to sit in and listen as they drink tea and gossip tbh

em: viola presses owen on hannah and he goes red and viola presses hannah on owen and she does a little wouldnt-you-like-to-know into her tea

em: viola nee willoughby and hannah grose friendship is. truly something i never knew i needed until now

em: they’re both just that lil bit older than the rest of the gang too

obsetress: an important coalition

obsetress: hannah grose! hannah looking out for rebecca and that's the couple times she gets a lil testy w vi

obsetress: mikey and isabel besties but flora and mikey get along really well and isabel and miles do too i think

em: the sheer chaos of a taylor-lloyd-windgrave story time

obsetress: LDKFjKLSDJF HELP

obsetress: taylor lloyd wingrave story time

obsetress: jamie suddenly very invested in story time

obsetress: dani's like "i know this is the first time you've actually cared about story time, babe, so let me give you some pointers"

em: i was just in my head thinking fondly about like. jamie is a drop out and plays a lil dumb sometimes for fun but also prolly reads a lot especially to mikey and now i’m like. wait i’m talking to Ms Floras Two Moms herself

em: idk if i had that headcanon before i read she taught me a lesson alright but yknow what! doesn’t matter it’s a beautiful one

obsetress: thank youuuu i love it a lot

obsetress: jamie big reader is generally one of my fave headcanons tbh i'm glad it seems to be widely accepted. can't even explain why it's just nice

em: sometimes i will talk 2 ppl about my passionate drop out jamie taylor belief n then they’re like but she’s smart (it’s only happened a couple times hahsj) and i’m like these aren’t mutually exclusive!! this is my very biased experience but my friends who do manual labor for a living seem to read so much more than my friends who don’t

em: your brain wants to chew over things while the hands are workin i reckon

obsetress: yes yes yes yes yes

obsetress: i think that's also like (sighs heavily)

obsetress: symptomatic of hegemonic perceptions of the working class

em: i love when u sigh heavily it’s always a fun take

obsetress: i think jamie is v clever and reflective and like if there's one thing i've learned getting older it's

obsetress: smart doesn't matter i think the most insightful most thoughtful people are the most reflective ones

obsetress: like none of it fuckin matters just be a nice person

[savnofilter]

TW: MENTIONS OF DISCOURSE, GR//MING, P/D/PHILIA, ASS//LT, C//NSENT, D//RK CONTENT.

- this isnt under a read more because i want people to read this, but please read past this/tread carefully if you cannot handle such topics. this is not meant to be interacted with.

I'm not sure how to really go about this. I've been overthinking if I should address this and bring up some stuff while I've been gone, so sorry the absence. I deleted the tumblr app a few days ago and I downloaded it again today so i could post this. I really don't like making posts like this because it cuts the vibe that I've been trying to portray that everything is okay and it makes me feel really disconnected to you guys. I am sorry for the abrupt absence and cutting off any source of communication between us. I knew if I left any form of direct line of talk to me that I would receive hate and I just mentally decided that I cant sit through being harassed right now.

Have you guys ever paid attention to the same people who always have a statement to say or is always in discourse? It's very telling how everyone can post about me, but I shouldnt dare post about them. I'm tired of not being able to post about what I want without people vague posting about me, bringing me up every time they start another discourse with another writer or directly talking about me. My days on here are starting to feel the same. Its good then it goes bad. Good goes bad and bad goes good. It's not even tiring, annoying, or angering -- its repetitive. When I'm not saying anything people create fake stories about me, and when i speak about it im the one starting discourse. Don't get me wrong, I'm nowhere near perfect and I have made my own mistakes. But why the fuck am I always being told to be the mature one, why am I the one who should've done better, why do you people expect so much from me. It's the fact people are always quick to say, "no one cares about you, youre fishing for attention" when they're the ones who vague and interact with me while ive been minding my business for months now. Hm. The fact people have me proudly blocked but still harass me anyways shows a lot about themselves than it does for me. How its such an issue that im a minor until it comes to demonizing, tearing down my character, gaslighting, lying and bullying. I'm a literal example of how their friend group manipulates their followers and exiles people from fandoms for not kissing their ass. except now its in your face.

Consider this my last post about this discourse. I'm not going to waste my time on people who fail to digest other peoples thoughts and opinions time and time again because theyre weak narcissists. If I so choose to decide to shit post my opinions or argue with someone, none of you should be aggravated or moved by it because youre not even supposed to be on my page. If its not something serious i will not be wasting energy that i can be using to build on myself as a growing person than on miserable old ladies that have to use fanfiction to have excitement in their pity, depressing and lackluster lives. If people so do choose to create stories or vague about me, I do not care. So I ask respectfully to people who do lurk on my page to not attempt to message, post or vague about me please. This includes sending anons to yourself to make shit happen.

Past that, something got me thinking. My (older) friend had showed me screenshots of adult writers (no one i have spoken to) that were very excited to write underaged reader with adult characters. There are other instances where writers (that you have probably read from) on here openly made reader underage while aging characters up as adults/with adults. There are many more but there's really no point in listing them nor do I really care. But least to say, the same people who are gung-ho over these pedophilic themes/stories are the same people who support predatory people.

I've been thinking about whether or not i should continue writing for the students anymore. Granted, I still think they're attractive because one snap of the fingers cant stop that. I had been teetering on this thought for awhile because of how borderline pedophilic the people are here towards my age group. I enjoy writing but not to the point of willingly being in a straight line of sight where people who are well over 16 are harassing me and lurking on my page, especially to other minors solely because they are my friends. Backtracking to the statement before, I honestly dont know if I will either stop writing or just for the students as a whole. It shows that clearly some people are using their attraction to teens with the excuse that the characters are fake. The rapid normalization on dark problematic "kinks" is disgusting and vile, and the fact that its discourse now to shame said interests is appalling. Concluding that combined with my experiences here, i feel unsafe.

***(TRIGGER WARNING)*** I dont talk about my personal life on here that much cause I dont see the need too nor do i think its anyone's business. Paired with the fact that the people i have trusted personal information with have used it against me, I will be preventing myself from opening that door. Besides that for now, I have sparsely shared I've been assaulted before. This is my first time really opening up about this and i kind of find it necessary now. Coming from someone who has been a victim of assault and CP by people my age and well over, writing nsfw has been the only way where I could feel comfortable with sex in general. I won't get into details because mentioning this is triggering already and can make people uncomfortable. It feels like anywhere I go, I'm constantly putting myself in a position to be abused. The same people who told me I didn't have to worry about my age and be judged for it, exposed the minimum comfort of keeping myself private online to demonize, judge and hurt me. People call me "extra" for being distraught about my face and age being posted because they think im trying to be sneaky which isn't the case. Its the principle that they KNEW I wasnt ready to share said things, and coming from someone who is inherently a private and closed person, she knew damn well what she was doing when posting screenshots of me on Tumblr. There is no excuse for it. The same writers who write dub/non-con can BARELY understand basic consent and its fucking terrifying. This site was the only other place I could cope without being criticized. To see people who some i was close to proudly lie on my name, (adults) say that i sent them pornographic content without their consent is so very hurtful. To watch people supposedly be victims and then use their own trauma to invalidate my own was so fucking humiliating, disgusting and nerve wracking. Although I knew I made the terrible decision to interact with stories, I have never initiated any NSFW discussion with anyone in DMs unless they did it with me first and a few times -- and trust me raise your hand I'll show you the proof. I was sure that everyone I talked to regularly knew that I was a minor, and to my general consensus, people were under the impression I was 15/16 (which I was and am).***

Whether it be victim blaming from the grooming discourse, I've been met with racism, harassment towards my friends, people wanting me to harm myself and be assaulted. I fear what will happen when i will turn 18, if the harassment will escalate and what not. A big part of me is that I'm still here anyways because it pisses people off and I don't care when I receive hate. I can take it but I don't want it. A good conscious of me knows that I should be doing what's best for me but at the end I'm still attached to my ego-self with the added fact that I sincerely enjoy interacting with my followers and posting stories.

I just don't know how the options look. I'll probably be updating my blog rules as of right now. I've been writing more sfw lately because of this and it'd be nice if you guys supported those until I properly decide. I still have plenty of requests of a bunch of characters (mostly Bakugo and Dabi) and original stuff (all sfw & nsfw) that I really wanna share with you guys. But I just ask that what I do modify that you will respect it like you would to any other writer on here.

Stay safe, keep your mask on, and thank you.

[lizzodorito]

quick vent

because i legit have no where else to put this sort of feeling and just.. writing it in a book or a doc just... isnt as cathartic. Hope this just fades into the void, please dont bother reading it.

Hey. screw proper grammar and spelling I just need to get thihis out.

my name is liz and hoenstly fuck this website because last time i actively used it for something other than mandolorian memes or sims mods/cc my ex boyfriend was fucking stalking me on it and catfishing me and comfort me by sending me those ask lists and i... i dunno if im over that. Fuck you Sven.

not the point, just wha t I have to think about every single damned time I find myself here no matter what.

I am so lonely. I dont have many friends at all and the ones I do are out to use me or not Get Into It with me, thouhg fair because im a shit load of a lot to deal with i guess. other friends i have are pretty backstabbing and they refuse to properly grow up and LIVE and THINK FOR OTHERS AND ALSO THINK FOR THEMSELVES WITHOUT IT HAVING TO BE DEFINED BY HOW PROUDLY TERRIBLE THEIR MENTAL HEALTH IS FUCK

And then i get shit for it

love being used guys hell yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah  no i dont i hate it so much literally when was the last time anyone loved me right outside of my family and even so its not like my parents treat me well. mother you may have improved drastically,  but similar to my self esteem, its still very much BELOW PAR and i hate having to witness both.

I am so lonely.

I go so long without saying any word sometimes, its a wonder i stil breath, although sometimes when i was young id forget to.

why is it that i get more depressed when i come back to the family home

does anyone else understand being family oriented to a family that really for the majority doesn’t treat you the same?

The voice in my head wont stop. it wont stop telling me all  the ways i have potentially fucked my budding friendships with my new friends isha and matt 

how am i a person who shares so little yet so much

BUT MY LORD THANK YOU these are people who... who are considerate and are processing what i am saying and are thinking of me

but how fucked up am i

and will that push them away

im often distasteful but all the same complex and layered and so useful and so interesting

and that’s why often enough it seems people dont put in the effort, or frankly, dont give a shit about me once i requrie effort, though their “care” for me beofre then was only for their own benefit.

im exhausted 

One of my best internet friends was raped and i was the one who revealed that to her and she just didnt realize it yet and i havent been able to fall asleep without thinking about it

i have needed to cry for over a week now and i haVent gotten to still i am so sad i am SO SAD

I am so charming yet cannot help being alone no matter how enjoyable i am for others to have around

Matt

He makes me question if im asexual

But I am only a human

porbably deifntieyl still asexual

but too much all the same 

Im just lonely and touch starved probably (more than usual to be clear) and want to be hugged and loved and he’s so smart and we talk for hoours and comfortably, for me, occupy eachothers’ space we talk for 

hours.

this is becoming poetry.

I feel like i am beginning to sound like a hobo johnson broken record

stop being poetic fuck off liz

he;s so 

I havent been hopeful like this in people for a long time

we went to a museum to support isha (she had to do a project that invovled socializing so ya know the inrovert crew (though i dont know fi matt considers himself one)) and we just were togeter (in rather close proximinity) just speaking in accents, partly hoping to excite the strangers crowding everywhere about “foriegners” being here at the exhibit... but i think it was mostly just for us. for our fun 

because voices is what we like to do

i love voice acitng 

he committed to it, i fell out of it more times than he did and he gets more specific with accents than i do

he likes what i do

he loves the characters and my many talents

he loves my writing

he wants me to join his dnd campaign over the summer with his friends

is it for me?

does he want... me

or just my character maggie that everyone loves

he wants me to join the campign he’s in npw with his friends, as he’s a player character and not a dm as he would be over the summer

he doesn’t quite get how lonely i am

i worry i made him and isha uncomfortable last night... i joked about actually being loved properly

he immediately looked at me strange, me not realizing the joke was taken as truth

“Liz, is there something you need to talk about?”

“Oh! Oh, well, um...” hi i come from an abusive family and you both dont realize how much it meant to me that you wanted me to come and are consitently telling me and thanking me for coming because... you’re telling me im good company and its been so long since i have had real friends or gone out with friends and ACTUALLY FULLY AND COMPLTELY HAD A GOOD TIME OH MY GOSH YOU DONT EVEN KNOW I AM SO SHY ABOUT ALL OF THIS BECAUSE HOLY FUCK I CANT EVEN ASK HOW I BECAME SUCH A BASKET CASE BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW I ALRWADY KNOW I ALREADY KOW I ALRADY KNOW AND I HAVENT’ GOTTEN TO REALLY TELL ANYONE IN SO LONG WITHOUT THEM LEAVING ME 

its been so long since ive been understood by a peer

(hi my name is liz and i am weepign right now)

“No, not yet at least.”

*isha laughs and it joined by matt soon. I’m smiling comfortably. I genuinely have a soft, contented hope i might get to tell them at least some of it one day.*

“not yet at least! sorry matt you have to be at least a level 4 friend to learn the tragic backstory”

thank you isha for lightening the mood

thank you for making the joke so many people who gave less than a fuck about me got offeneded at and confused when i made it so often years ago.

my comment was laughed off, we continued to watch the critical role espidoe i had missed

soon it was just matt and i. isha was to bed.

just him and i, and i, like id been all night (concious but making the decision to pipe down and trust the people around me), was all curled up, very relaxed and off my posture, sinking into the couch. MAtt was always upright ish. sometimes hed sink a bit or rest his hips on their side curl a little rest his head, but not as intesely as i did

sometimes he’d scoot closer to me, sometimes hed scoot away. sometimes hed move his legs so our knees would touch. i dont mind (not because i was finding it romantic, im not twelve, i just am understadning of the small situation we are in and its a knee for crying out loud) i wonder if i was taking up too much space with the way i’d sit comfortaly. I wonder if he thought so.

i would be lying if i said i didnt imagine us actually having contact with eachother. cuddling platonically.. on multiple occassions.

I have an imagination that thinks of everything and so many scenarios all at once and all the time after all

i was comfortable with the idea but

it would be a bigger lie to say i wasnt absolutely and perfectly content wiht the way it did go.

i dont thiink i will ever know if he was comofrtable on that couch or more so if it was me he was comfortable or uncomfrtoable with. 

I will respect him to tell me.

he;s good at eyecontact and its comfrotable enoguh where i dont have to look away (it’s been a problem i never used to  have recently)

I’d peek up at him when he’d talk to me

i felt young again

when the stream was over he got up to leave.

i dont know if we daudled. dawdled? yep thats the word

i dont know if we did

we made small talk

shitty jokes that he declared wouldn’t be the last thing we said to eachother that evening

i agreed.

the last words that night were goodnights.

me with my raspy evening voice from a day full of talking and him with a look over the shoulder from the hall as the door closed behind him

he was obviosuly very slap happy sleepy as he was talking about the light not being too bright in the hall (to his happiness)

it was a nice night

when was the last time i went to bed so happy? thanking God over and over and praying for my friend i mention way earlier

i didnt even have to drown my insomnia with a youtube video

i just went to sleep

2 am

i hope the weather continues

- jaques cruzio, pink panther

now im just in bed

at the family home

not my dorm

fighting my depression (its been three hours, i was getting exhausted by 9:30 due to it) as i rest

i was curled in a ball, slumped and face planted, arms slumped when i decided i need to talk to someone, or say something mroe than what i vented to my little sister (small bits about how lonely i feel and how i worry ive fucked things up) hours ago

and here we are 

12:14 am

just some broken twenty something asexual with a mind that’s usually over sixty talking about the amazing people i met two weeks ago while in the background i think about the girl i used to be the boss of (online moderator work) and how she’s essentially in love with her idea of me and how i make her feel... and not just for me.

i am mysterious and cool and smart and hot and talented and useful to her.

I want to be complex and dedicated and helpful and pretty and so skilled and hardworking and wanted for me.

i want to  be considered and deserving and im hoping that isha, matt and my other two roommates can help start to fill that hole in my life

because, God, so far they have so much potential for it in my eyes

(so far)

thanks for listening, void.

actually feeling quite a bit better. the misery is still lingering, i wonder if i should cry more. But, i can breathe easier and my eyes dont feel dead. I just am tired and am prepared to enjoy things again.

proabbly will watch claire from BA make jelly beans.

or the Noel Miller guy isha told me about.

I dont know if it’s appropriate if i downloaded matt’s contact into my phone from when isha put us both in a groupchat together and i hope its not weird and i hope maybe he did the same, but by God i dont think i’ll be texting him first.

i like in person better.

with anyone.

always have

i have so much more on my mind

[patchdotexe]

apparently my brain wont let me sleep until i do this, so im sorry for any weird wording-- its 2 am (edit: now its 3) and im emotionally tired when I think about this. being vague abt ppl involved bc this isn't a callout its just me explaining what happened on my end

i guess you can reblog this if you want but please dont contact me about it, im stressed and my only thought is to just get this all over with so i dont need to think about it anymore

i was admin of a jsab discord that had a nsfw channel that could only be accessed with a role. before i was promoted, at least one minor had ended up with the role; i should've removed it as soon as i was admin, but didn't because im afraid of conflict and wasnt sure how to go about it. so, like, problem 1.

after events in the fandom (collin, minors posting nsfw art in main tags) i withdrew from jsab but stayed in the discord because i felt obligated to as an admin, and also because the other admin couldn't run it on her own. i ended up muting the nsfw channel, and eventually the server itself. i was starting to move on to other things and was engaging way less with the fandom than before

a few days ago i got a DM letting me know that an adult in the nsfw channel had been creating sexual content for a minor. i reacted really badly. for full disclosure, im a sexual abuse victim. i dont know how comfortable people would be if i went into specifics, but the situation reminded me way too much of it. on top of that, i was already stressed out and trying to recover from something that had happened with another friend totally unrelated to this. i also already disliked the person involved due to having to ask them to stop being "lewd" in the main channels but had been trying to set it aside bc they seemed nice and people liked them

i was brought into a group dm with several friends and... kind of had a total breakdown. at the time i think they thought i was just doing what had to be done after admitting id let it go on way too long, but the truth is i flew way off the handle and its terrifying to look back on. like, i legitimately haven't been that angry in a long time. it was not a state i should have been doing ANYTHING in, let alone trying to salvage a situation that was triggering me.

while this was going on, someone else was brought up in the group DM as grooming minors, and i was shown screenshots of a conversation in another server from before i joined where they were discussing an opinion along the lines of "i dont get the big deal with hiding nsfw art when minors are going to seek it out anyway" which... also made me very uncomfortable bc of my abuse. i ended up kicking them from the server as well with minimal warning.

at this point people in the server were reacting to an inactive admin suddenly kicking 2 active members and posting an announcement where i made no attempt to hide how furious i was. this part is kind of a blur to me but the group dm was reacting to it as it was going on and a person said something that pushed me over the edge. its kind of hard to describe it as "snapping" when i was already emotionally off the deep end but I pretty much exploded. the server fell apart after that

a day later i got contacted that there had been a psa in another server and people were upset at the friend who posted it because of things i said. im the one who called the people involved pedophiles. i dont think i was right to do that, but there was a lot going on in my head at the time and honestly i kept thinking about my abuse and about collin + when im that badly triggered theres not really any nuance to things

realizing that i broke apart a friend group + was leading to at least one friend getting harassed is why i left the fandom. not only did i fail at keeping people safe, i actively made it worse. i don't think the ppl in the dm are at fault for my actions or my mental state; i do feel upset about it bc of how much the situation escalated but i dont think they knew/understood what was going on with me (i wasnt exactly coherent about it) and how their cheering me on +encouraging me to take more action was making my mental state worse bc i had no opportunity to calm down or even fully process what was happening

im sorry for how i handled this entire situation. im staying away from the fandom (and from fandom discords in general), im trying to get my mental health in order, and i know this isn't a great apology to everyone that got hit by the aoe of my warpath. i just wanted to try and say my part of it because theres a lot of confusion over what happened and seeing as im a major player in it i need to say something

[el-patito-de-los-ojos-triste]

From botanical asks.

Bird of paradise, apricot drift, queen's cup, blazing star (but only if you want)

bird of paradise; what was the best thing that happened to you this month?

Well at the start of this month I got to go to the ocean for the first time ever. It was really fun and expensive but fun!!

apricot drift; how do you feel right now?

I'm tired and sore. Working hard every day this week :p and yesterday I got home from work and cleaned every bit of my townhouse, then stayed up till 12 playing dnd (first session in a new campaign). So I'm tired but doing pretty good

queen’s cup; what are you craving right now?

Hmmm.... Like food or in general? Butt, good butt, uhhhh I wanna go to karaoke but money is still blown from ocean trip. My next dnd session (Saturday, I'm the dm and the players just finally hit the really exciting shit after like 5 months of playing). That's about it :v

blazing star; share a secret.

I tried really hard to think of like a positive one but i really dont have any :c so here is sad one i suppose. I'm doing like really good now, and im generally happy in life, maybe content is a better word Idk. Things arent perfect but they're not like hopeless and miserable like they were before, and im really getting to try and be me, and that's nice. But the more i do that, the more some part of me wonders why I'm doing it. I still dont have any like actual ambition. I still have all these painful memories and like more or less permanent injuries reminding me of everything that's gone wrong. I still recognize that I'm actively working every day to build a life where i can be happy when i genuinely dont care about that, I just know that im supposed to want it so im doing it. It's all just a big charade for everyone else's benefit and I kinda dont want to keep it up anymore.

EDIT:: I HOUGHT OF A GOOD ONE!! When work was still allowing overtime and junk i had extra money and i was helping a couple long time friends of mine make their bills (one is single, one is married with 2 kids). They really needed the help but the only way theyd agree to take it is if i agreed to let them pay me back When they could. I didn't want to keep tabs on what friends owe me, it feels icky, and also i Didn't want more debt hanging over them so i gave them this whole spiel on theyve paid me back every time i helped in the past, so i know they intended to and that's enough for me, their friendship is more important than the money blah blah blah and told them i wasnt going to accept any money back. Now money is really tight cuz work made a ton of cutbacks out of nowhere right when i got back from beach trip. They each owed me like 4 or 500 dollars, but I wont say anything to them (and still give them gas money when they need it) because i want them to be okay

[glorifiedbones]

is in a groupchat, so thats where i meet everyone. its just lowkey like 7-10 of us but only about 4/5 super active.

get in a fight over a game with one friend. they immediately call me slurs and block me ???like sorry i didnt lick your boots asshole. which sort of sucked though, because we were friends, and than he starts this argument. bro is CLEARLY losing like huge L and than instead of just like calling it a day he goes from like 1-100. which is super shit because i didnt even confront him, and even asked him to leave me alone. like he just kept coming and coming and coming. like super exhausting.

anyways, fast forwards, we arent friends. im still friends with the other guy of course. we are pretty close i would say, we call almost every day/night and play and talk and even just sit with each other in silence doing our own thing for like 4-8 hours a day. not to mention when we text in dms, text in gc, and send tiktoks to each other and shit.

like good ass friends. getting to my point, which is i found out he and the guy knew each other IRL. now i knew they were still friends, like he talked about spending time with the other guy. but it still sucks so much ass to know how this guy hurt me, and for someone to just like ignore that.

and its not really anything i can control. like for one theyve known each other for actual years, like childhood besties, two they know each other IRL whereas im just an online friend, three i dont ever want to be the guy that comes in between other friendships. like just because i have (apparently; because i didnt want it and wasnt an instigator,) beef with someone, doesnt mean you do with that person.

i even told him that i wasnt going to like ask him to stop being friends with him. and if any part of me thought that before im sure as hell not doing it now. but it still just sucks.

like. im just worried i think, that this guys bullshit will rub off onto him. and it makes me sad, and scared. because i dont want to lose out on a really amazing friend because of this guy. like even though we aren’t in each others lives, it still feels like hes apart of mine.

like for him i know hes chilling, like hes so unbothered. and it makes me so frustrated. because if i can act just as unbothered why cant i feel that way too? i just want to stop feeling so heavy hearted over it, like it literally feels like theres a weight on my chest and i cant breathe.

im assuming i have unresolved feelings over the situation. in fact im pretty sure i do. because i can sit down right now, write out all these things, but in the back of my mind that night is still on replay. like a broken record. i cant get it out of my mind, even more so when i think about either of them or things related to them and the situation.

im even friends with his older brother, the current friend, and im worried that even he would drop me for this clown kid. like he obviously knows him too. it just makes me so tired.

like i was in a really good place in my life. i had good friends, my depression was feeling like not as bad as it normally is, and than that happened. and i feel so uneasy now. like everything could just crumble out from underneath me like it did before.

with the old group. im so worried that i’ll be alone again like i was at that time. especially when i feel like as of late ive been neglecting my other friends. and im not trying too but it just happens.

im so bad at this. communication bullshit. like i hate it.

ulgh.

anyways i am just going to have to hope and pray that shit doesnt get bad again because i dont think i could handle it again. like before was so bad, now? i cant do it again.

sigh.

[cowboypossume]

sdfghj I'm so sorry for coming back to this so late I am living in Tumblr bliss without checking my inbox but a) babe is totally fine I love that!! and my names aru (no a, you were close though!!)

yeah I'm like...halfway ash through the book? Simon snow needs a break but I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR YOUR OPINIONS EVEN IF THEY WEREN'T GOOD

AND SORRY FOR NOT RESPONDING TO YOUR DMs I'm really bad at messaging I'll try to get better!!!

hey hey don’t sweat about the dm thing ! the inbox is something i can learn to do :D !!! but ok you and spoilers throughout literally the entire and this is gonna be a lot and unedited (mostly) because BEHZYZTGZYSHSYHZUENEUSBS IM SO U P S E T

undeather the - - - - - - is when the spoilers stop

ok, ok, getting striaght to the point. it’s so horny. it’s so horny. and for W H A T ? WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE REASON FOR IT TOBE T H A T HORNY? AND EVEN THEN ALL OF THE SEX STUFF WAS SO V A U G E ? LIKE EVERY TIME SIMON AND BAZ WERE TOGETHER IT TYRNED INTO SEX AND YES OK AS AN ACE I G E T HOW MUCH SEX CAN COME UP, BUT LIKE, ENDYXHZYGSHSYZGE WHAT WAS THAT?? IT WASNT EVEN WELL WRITTEN! IT WAS JUST SIMON BEING LIKE “i want more but it’s not enough” AND LIKE NOT REALLY ELABORATING ?? AND THEN THEYD BE SHARING A CUTE MOMENT THEN *bam* HORNY AGAIN? OK ALSO AS FAR I KNOW RAINBOW ROWELLE IS A CIS HET STRAIGHT WOMEN .. BABE WE DONT NEED THAT MUCH SEX BETWEEN THE MLM RELATIONSHIP??? AND THEN WJEN THEY ACTUALLY KIND OF EVEN HAVE SEX ITS SO V A U G E (AGAIN!) ITS NOT UNTIL SEVERAL PAGES LATER I REALIZED THAT THAT TIME WAS ACTUALLY SEX VS ALL THE TIMES IT WASNT? I DIDNT LIKE IT !!

ok now that i’m done being upset about how fucking vague it was, i also didn’t like how it was used as a metaphor for simon wanting to actually try in a relationship? yes it’s important to try in relationships and compromise and try when you don’t want to, that’s important, obviously, but like ,, you’re allowed to have your own believes about sex. that doesn’t have to be the soul focus of your relationship. baz himself even admits that they “have bigger things to worry about”. there are ways to show growth in a relationship without sex, and even if you do, IT DOESNT NEED TO BE THAT VAUGE?? AND OFTEN? simon felt overwhelmed in those positions and then was like “ok lol i’m done with anxiety and just gonna try now and no more anxiety :)” it felt like to me? and then bam bow horny. ALSO. ITS NOW CANNONICAL SIMON HAS A BLOOD KINK ????

ALSO! THAT SCENE IN THE SEWER WAS BAZ BEING LIKE

“please fucking stop about asking me to drain you. i’m makes me so uncomfortable and scared and stop.”

and simon was like “but it’s hotttttt”. WHAT ?? BABE WE DONT HAVE TIME TO UNPACK ALL OF THAT.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO NEXT POINT: WHY? WHY THE FUCK DID SIMON GROWL??? W H A T?? WHAT THE FUCK?? WHAT THE FUCK WAS HIM G R OW L I N G WHEN HE SPOKE??

and ok something i didn’t fit in before was all the weird ways the kissing scenes were described? i’m from america so maybe it’s like a dialect thing i don’t understand, but constantly hearing “i shove my nose into his face” while they were kissing was so weird?? like shove, similar words i frankly don’t want to remember, we’re used all the time? and for what? hmmm??? what was that?????? i cant express to you how of a fever dream this book was?? but ohohoho i have more to unpack.

penny to me always felt like the token diversity friend when it wasn’t in her point of view (and even then pushing it) and so i didn’t love her character. but!! her and simon’s friendship was realistic. i could get behind that. HOWEVER. THIS BOOK TAKES THAT AWAY. SIMON once is like “give me space” and then she’s just like “ok” and i feel like their friendship never got repaired at the end? i stopped really paying attention because fucking shit i was so tired of the constant sex between baz and simon that i zoned out most of it so maybe it did but ,, i don’t think it did. i’m pretty sure she got with shepard and then he got with baz and then that was the end of the friendship because ✨ooooo we’re dating people✨ thing. which ,, isn’t how it happens??

and while we’re here: i didn’t like the penny and shepard ship but whatever it felt like it was inevitable like female x male loki so i was like “huh disappointed but not surprised” feeling when they kissed. if you like it, cool great (/gen), i didnt and that’s swaggy but, ok, the plot of shepard being engaged to a female demon who i think wants to fuck him in hell only to be resolved in like 2 pages of a monologue so penny and shepard can get together was ?? so WEIRD ??? like what was that ?? how did that develop their relationship? idk it was so weird.

but ok back to simon and penny, i kept reading and reading and reading on so i could maybe get to at least talk again and then,, they didn’t? they just didn’t. they never made up their friendship and i get that you lose friends along your life. believe me i’m the last person you have to drive that point home to. but,,,,, god i hated that their friendship ended. for WHAT REASON DID IT END?? simon said he needed space, penny respected that, got a boyfriend and simon did too, so no longer theyre friends? something i liked about this series was the group dynamic all of the books had. no matter who’s pov it was in you could tell who each character was because it was unqiue. you still could in this book so i’ll give credit where credit’s due. however THIS BOOK WAS LIKE 3 ENTIRELY DIFFERENT STORIES WITH NO CONECTJON REWLLY ?? WHICH IS FINE I JUST ,, didn’t get that in the first two books so ,,,, why is it here ?

and ok something else while i’m criticizing is: i don’t love her writing style. i didn’t like how in book one i got “here’s an introduction to my magical word told through past tense and memories and so hopefully you’re all caught up now” which i was willing to overlook because just because i don’t like the style means it bad. at least this book didn’t do that but idk didn’t love that aspect.

ok back to the three stories: i love agatha being a bisexual goat care taker. that’s it literally she should have been the main character. like deadass i loved her story so much. that’s it that’s all /pos.

ok but! simon finding his family was cool. i liked that he got that. the pacing of the scene where he finds out was a little rushed for me but, then again, based on my writing i can’t really critique on that so … liked it, enough. idk how to elaborate. wasn’t the worst part of this book but doesn’t really sit well with me.

and i’m so confused about simon’s wings. he does want them and constantly brings up his surgery and then all of a sudden ,, doesn’t? i think? the last chapter is so vague and simon mentions being on the fence about it and i understand that we as the reader don’t need to know everything about what the future holds for these characters but also ?? beudhyzhsgsbeysyzb babe he brought it up like all the time and can i please get a solid answer ??

aLSO. WHY DID SIMON AND BAZ BREAKUP ONLY FOR THEM TO GET TOGETHER 5 CHAPTERS LATER?? WHAYDYXYZGWH WHAT WAS THE POINT OF WAYWAYRD SON IF SHE JUST DID THAT???? LIKE WHXGXYVZYZHE YOU MADE THEM STAY TOGETHER WHEN SIMON WAS BEING AN ACTUAL DICK FOR AN ENTIRE BOOK (which i will defend until the day i die those scenes weren’t an OUNCE of how horny this book is), THEY BREAKUP, AND THEN GET TOGETHER AGAIN?? NOT EVEN 100 PAGES AFTER THEY BREAKUP??? SHZGZGZYSGSU W H A T? WHAT? I DONT GET IT? i don’t get it.

i kept waiting for the scene where everything came together and it never came. then the epilogue didn’t clarify anything either.

i don’t know. there’s more probably i just didn’t enjoy this book. i would have given it a 5/10 the first time i read it but the more i think about it the lower that number goes so ,, yea not a good time.

- - - - - -

so! that’s a lot! completely get it if you disagree :D. you’re allowed to like a book even though i don’t. and also i have no energy to edit this so enjoy me screaming about it !

[survivormetaverse]

Episode 12 - "i'm baaaaaacckkkkk 😈" ~Jodi

An iconic moment happened today and I accidentally voted my closest ally out of the game. So Brayden got sent home and he is going to hate me when he finds out what happened. I did kind of get him out on accident I did not mean for Brayden to go I wanted Jay gone but I was blindsided by Colin and Josh and Elle AND AMY!!??]£[_[3 Omg. Im really upset that hes gone i miss him so much and I dont know how Im gonna go on without his brain. I dont trust Jay but Jared and Jay were both messaging me about how they already forgive me and stuff so thats a little crazy. I think it could be fake or they are just desperate for numbers. But I am with Josh and Amy and Colin and Elle now. I want to be with their numbers. I talked to all of them individually and they said they all were sorry for lying to me and causing me to get my friend out. I know its just a game but I just feel awful and so guilty right now. This has probably been the worst day of my life. He probably will never play another org with me again and hes the only reason i play orgs its boring without him. We are best friends increal life and I hope he can forgive me. I havent said anything to him because thats breaking the rules. But when he finds out im literally so scared of what he'll say to me. I pray he will forgive me I am literally so dumb af.

i'm baaaaaacckkkkk..................... 😈

This is literally worst case right now with jodi winning the play back like throughout the day she has won back her allies including anastasia since she swapped coins with her. Elle, colin, and josh all gave me all their coins to grab immunity before the other side to protect me but also it makes me a bigger target lol plus I gave elle some swapped to get the second thing the leftover because I THOUGHT it could give us an extra vote since that was ony menu but I was tired and drunk and it was a LOT of words and it was just the hunts which I knew didn't have any and I feel terrible bc 150 tokens and my actual alliance is going to be so mad when they realize THAT I HAVE THE LAST ONES and fucked up in suggesting it at all. First they were going for info. So now I think Jodi got all the other sides tokens and they are pooling for something idek. It's literally worst case like we were set to be up 5-2 or at least 4-3 and now it looks like it's 4-4 again hahaha neat. And it looks like colin is chatting with jodi again and they are making deals lol like tbh if she gets to the end I am voting for her to win I've said it many rounds. Turns out anastasia and brayden not only know each other irl they are besties so she mad mad. And Josh looks to be making deals and thinking about flipping so I am on borrowed time but tbh I never expected to make merge. I am glad I have immunity bc I physically couldn't do the challenge anywU here lol and I fucked that up too hahahaha. Good times all around. Like I want to tell them about my steal a vote to have official numbers but now they'd just be mad hahaha literally colin and I had every advantage except jared's idol now. Ahhhh idk what to do but it remains hilarious. I'm expecting Raffy to give my info in these in the market and that is no bueno ahahahaha. I am tempted to just give colin everything bc it's funny. Also jodi talked to me until 1am just trying to guilt me into being back with her I said I have to sleep goodnight like 5 times minimum. Her social game is so good that's why I think she has them all back with her and possibly josh. The problem is that I was keeping her close bc she had the info from others and from my game. I really never had a number one lol bc I was just vibing and I guess now colin is bc I flipped with him lol and I think it's hilarious he grew his army from 0 to 5 almost.

~

I have a suspicion colin and anastasia have actually been closely aligned this whole time and she knew everything all along. Colin sure loves giving out info haha. And apparently deals are happening all over, none of which I have made 😂

Jodi's backkkkk, wild wild wilddddd. The challenge went poorly, darn thats like 20 minutes wasted. We bought the refresh and there was nothing there 💔 that's 150 tokens wasted 😅. But! We got Amy immunity✨ and then Colin won the challenge so tbh everything's still going great lol. Wonder how we're gonna vote this round :/ we'll see how this goes! I've stopped worrying whether I'm going completely, it either happens or it doesn't 💖 xoxo, gossip girl (this is misleading I HAVE NOT SEEN THE SHOW i just know way too much about it because i have friends that did lol)

So after I voted my showmance Brayden out of the game I was left with an interesting situation. I had cried to Josh Colin and Amy that I was alone now and that my whole alliance hated me. With Jodi back in, I dont think they believe me. I literally flipped sides so I could be in their alliance because I didnt trust Jay and Jared and Jodi. But they literally lied to me about the vote and said it was nothing personal to me but they didnt tell me the plan because they wanted to see if I was lying. Which sucks for me because I then voted Brayden out :( Now that they know that im truthful they said they would work with me now. But all of them have been pretty inactive today. I talked to Amy the most and a little Colin and a little Josh. But I wasnt in their alliance. So I asked Amy if I could be added into an alliance chat since I was apperently in their alliance now. And she said sure. And they added me to a vote block. That is not an alliance group chat btw. So I was like wow thanks. But inside I was like screw this. So before this all happened, Jodi, Jay and Jared put me in a true alliance group chat. This morning I was ready to work with Colin and Josh but not anymore. Not after they put me in a vote block chat clearly saying to me that I am just a number to be used. They don't even need my vote either because Amy has an idol and Amy and Colin are safe. So I'm obviously voting with Jay, Jared, and Jodi. And I know they probably have a final three without me. They could call it something really cool like the three J's. But I called Jay and explained everything to him. (Also Jay forgave me for literally trying to get him out. He umderstands that its a game and all of my motives about not trusting him anymore.) He said he would be a hypocrite if he didnt forgive me because he told people my name in the chaos vote. So I actually think we are cool. And I told Jay that I am his number one. Which is true. He told me a lot of things about how Amy is actually really smart and stuff (I thought that girl was just a goat that I could take to the end with me) But her and colin are tight and both immune. This is bad. Basically we will go to rocks unless Elle flips to our side. Jay is giving his pitch to Elle tommarow. And maybe I will apologize to her correctly tomarow too. ALSO SPELLING THE WORD TOMARROW IS THE HARDEST THING IN MY LIFE. Also I took 62 minutes to complete a puzzle today so thats kind of emberassing. Anyways bye everyone this was so much fun to type omg.

Lol I woke up to a text from jodi asking if anyone was taking about votes yet and I said no because I went to sleep early bc I almost passed out from heat yesterday and had just woke up and she responded "ummmm lol...." 🤣🤣🤣 Sorry I sleep. She's in Colin's dms saying how I was legit her number one and now we can't even talk about votes. Like yeah girl we worked our asses off to get you out of the game sorry I'm not happy you are back. Also I'm still at disney world so I don't have the time for a million conversations. I know I'm going to be the Russell Hanz of the f3 /if/ I make it. So what's jury management lol like she was already pissed I voted her out and I plan to do it again. Anyway it looks like it's hilariously about to be a unanimous jay vote tonight but I am thinking we throw one vote somewhere else in case of an idol. But if jodi did get anastasia back we can't do that. Anyway lol I'm immune so whatever. Elle and Colin discussed like if it's on elle (which apparently jared proposed an alliance of 5 which included myself lol!) Then we could go to rocks and have only josh as a possibility and statistically he won't go if he is willing to go to rocks that it. All this to say I'm f7 and I want to keep my extra vote to f6 if possible so I can use the idol for fun at f5.

https://youtu.be/snpKevncc44

My quest has come to an end. I joined this game to be someone who could be there for Jodi. Jodi and I played survivor subrosa together and we both had rough experiences due to a player in the game who harassed jodi and tried to convince everyone I was misogynistic. As much as I love Survivor, I didn’t play this game to win. I played this game because Jodi told me she was playing it and I wanted to be her body guard. I wanted to be someone who could be there for her both as a number but also as an enforcer, anybody who ever dared to do anything to Jodi would’ve had to have dealt with me. Tonight, Amy and Colin have immunity, and either amy or josh or elle have an idol, so there’s no point in making any noise tonight and wasting Jared’s idol. None of those 4 trust me, and I doubt any of them like me. It is what it is, it’s best for Jodi, Jared, and Anastasia’s game to move forward without me, and it’s smart for Jared to keep his idol. Tonight, I will be voted out, and I am 100% at peace with it. 

Since Elle, Josh, Amy and Colin pooled their tokens for immunity and advantage refresh, it means all the advantages and disadvantages are on our side. Plan is to send Elle a disadvantage and let Colin know because honestly it’s not hard to find out anyways. Jay doesn’t mind getting booted at some point cuz he wants to stand for me on the jury, but I don’t want to boot him right now. Obviously they won’t boot Elle, so I’m going to see if Jared will propose Anastasia. The thing right now is me/Jay/Anastasia/Jared also know next round is invisible. So I want Jay or Anastasia to send Colin and Amy disadvantages because if they’re paranoid seeing me Jared/Jay/Anastasia have advantages and they have disadvantages, they might be paranoid enough to play all their idols. I also wanted to keep Jay for this round as it’d be unanimous and something everyone can settle on. Jared wanted to do me/Jared/Josh/Amy/Colin as an alliance but has concerns about the 3 of them being in top 5 in the majority snd also Colin having his ideal f3. I told him my plan has the best shot at flushing all idols and hopefully we can either get Josh to flip or at least have Amy/Colin vulnerable at 5/6. Last thing is Jared is worried he’d be blindsided this round. I told him my plan and I said even if he wanted to flush his idol this round, next round should be ok if we all vote out Jay and the rest of them flush idols. Good to be back in the game! I genuinely believe Colin wants me as a shield at least for this round, and if I can make it through, I have a game to play. 

Not everyone saying they only bought an advantage lol what about those other 70 tokens 👀👀👀 Like it must be jay unless someone is lying haha i am hoping people are just busy bc these answers I'm getting from Josh and Colin are concerning 😂 It looks like only elle and got disadvantages ☠️ I am really hoping not to be a target next round even though I know I will be haha. Next round is only 7 and I'd love to take out jodi and jared before they turn on me ☠️ especially since colin creeped on jodi's insta and it is possible they know each other from sports irl. And she was so concerned about all these pregame connections 😂 and here it was likely to deflect. Anyway I just swapped my position of having jodi do all the social work with having colin do all the social work knowing full well I'm not gonna get those end votes. I'm just trying to pull up my placement average now 😂. I hope everyone sees me as having no social game to take me to the end lol bc realistically I don't bc I don't care to put in that time this game. As I write from the pirates of the caribbean line 😂 So anyway if I'm not being lied to which I might be it looks like unanimous jay tonight but also I think the other group was talking split on jay like a 3-3-2 and I'm like wait the 2 wouldn't help. Elle are you okay with that? So I think they must have figured out I have stuff ☠️ I wonder what people REALLY bought haha okay bye

Jodi is back, not just Jodi Jodi, but player Jodi. Player Jodi thinks a LOT. When I was out, the entire time I was hoping somebody caught on that Amy flipped because they knew to put a stray vote on Colin to protect him from chaos idol, but they left Josh exposed. Why? Because Colin knew Amy was going to throw a vote on Josh. Also, Colin tied with me for closest ally and that set off an alarm too. Onto the next. So Colin won immunity, Amy bought immunity, but this could possibly be good because it means they are playing knowing they are not at risk themselves. Anastasia is voting with them this round, but she's actually working with us. She told us that the actual plan on that side is: "Jay, Jared, Jodi vote elle and Elle, Amy, Colin vote Jay and Josh and Anastasia vote Jodi" Anastasia will vote me here to continue "working" with them for the next vote. Essentially, they thought that Jay had the merge idol this whole time and Colin was weary about it, and that's why he got nervous about sending out Jay last round. That told me Colin did not have the merge idol. Josh came to me too about Jay having the merge idol. But the way they're splitting the votes this round shows me now that somebody has stepped forward to mention they have it (likely Elle) because if Jay idoled, Elle goes in this split vote plan. Therefore, somebody must've been like "ok let's just be safe and split the votes, I have the other idol". That's good and bad because now Colin has no merge idol paranoia, and they're also able to use it together. It also did confirm to me they've talked about it. Here's where things get tricky. Player Jodi is so tempted to run with it and do a 4-3-1 Josh-Jay-Jodi but it's so risky and could possibly destroy the long term social game, especially if they idol for Josh and Jay goes anyway (we are not idoling for him here). So instead, I'm going to use Jay's vote out to the best of my advantage. Hopefully flush an idol if possible, maybe a steal-a-vote, something. Knowing about next round being invisible is good info for us. Having this info is so key and usually I would think that immunity for a round is bigger than this but being able to plan ahead for a GAME-CHANGING twist is crucial here. My move here is to play the game through psychological distress. I have no advantages! Since they're out of tokens from buying immunity, me/Anastasia/Jared/Jay bought advantages for ourselves and also sent out disadvantages to Colin/Amy/Elle. Seeing that not only we have advantages but also them having disadvantages, they probably still feel like things will be ok because they'll just split votes or whatever and one of them needs to win immunity. But given this is an invisible round, I think Amy is honestly paranoid enough to just play her idol, hopefully Elle does too, and then between me and Jared, we'll idol for one of us. I also plan on bluffing an advantage coming back from Jury, and say something along the lines of having to survive one round before the advantage got activated. I'm going for the win, everyone, I know that if I get to the end with anybody, I have a solid shot at winning. I just need to get there and to do that, I must play an adaptable game – more than ever. PS I am holding onto Jared's idol right now. Power (temporary) feels amazing. Dw I'm giving it back....😈

this has been the most chill round in a while. which is really weird consider JODI IS BACK AND WE BLINDSIDED BRAYDEN LAST ROUND this round is turning out to be what I WANTED last round to be. everyone is talking with everyone, people are trying to disband the sides and all intermingle. it's really interesting how no one else was on board with this until after they lost majority. seems like people don't like playing from the bottom. weird huh now these bitches know how I felt >:( anyway. jodi is back. it's weird. she knows that amy flipped now and everyone is playing very carefully my ideal boot this round was either jay or josh, in that order. so when my gay ass WON IMMUNITY I immediately put out jay's name. we already have the numbers, but I also like said my piece to jodi and jared, this is yalls chance to prove to me that you're really with me and sides don't exist. the ball is in their court do i trust them? no. am I worried? no. i have immunity, the scariest thing rn is that I think Jay is voting Elle, and if Jared and Jodi are with him then that's scary, bc Jared has an idol. The ONLY people I would play my idol for is Amy and Elle, and Elle being in trouble means I might have to play my idol on her if Jay idols himself. We have enough to split, so I'm not worried, I just hope all goes according to plan. sorry my confessional is lame. its the weekend now so i have time uwu. I'll write more the next few days

So this whole token twist thing has really annoyed me. Because of me wanting to show my loyalty to my alliance, i gave away all my coins to Amy so that she could but immunity. And against my wishes, Elle wasted her coins on the “advantage” which turned out to be a dud. I wanted to get coins together to buy game info or better yet, trade coins with other people. But i was left with nothing, while all the people on the other side used their coins to buy advantages in the next immunity challenge making it even harder for me to secure my safety. Maybe this new 2 Gays and a Jared alliance might actually pan out but im tired of getting the short end of the stick with everything.

~~~

Edgic:

Power Rankings:

Anastasia: She is in the middle of the two sides. They both need her for the rest of this game before a side is terminated. She is the most powerful because she is in the middle.

Jodi: Has regained a lot of her footing in this game. Is being used as a shield by the people who voted her out. The decision to vote out Jay is questionable, but she still has a lot of power thanks to the knowledge Anastasia and Jared feed her.

Colin: The head of the opposing side. Seems to not know what is really going on with Anastasia. But his allies are willing to take him to the end which is good. Needs to avoid falling into a Jodi pitfall.

Amy: Her rat behavior has been exposed, but her allies are still willing to defend her. Second in command on the Colin side. She is being handed these immunities.

Jared: Jodi’s new #1. Will probably make it to the end of this game. However, he isn’t calling the shots and is in danger of being targeted as an “easy” vote or being called a goat at the end. Needs to start taking fate in his own hands.

Elle: Lost a lot of footing because of not telling Anastasia the truth. This move caused Anastasia to go back to Jodi’s side which will hurt in the coming round. Is the next target for the Jodi side.

Jay: Died on the sword for Jodi. I am confused why they didn’t just stack 4 votes somewhere else, but it is whatever. Has basically given up.

Josh: Left out of a lot of discussions. Is on the outside of his alliances and from the opposing side. Is the most in danger of getting targeted or being a casualty of an idol.

[larchraven]

today, i am going to allow myself to experience emotions for as long as it takes me to write this negativity out of my system, and then i will go back to bottling shit the fuck up.

one of those queer(tm) experiences, i feel, is not having beginnings and ends to relationships. there’s this strange grey area, dark and electric as an impending thunderstorm, where emotion and action have built and crossed into a realm that cant be quantified as friends but that for fear or uncertainty or repression or plain old lack of communication has not yet been called dating. called a Relationship.

were we even dating? i ask myself this sometimes. there is a disconnect between the way i feel and what i think dating is or stands for. we had a conversation once about what to call me and the relationship. with your family it was “Boyfriend”, and we were Dating, because that was the only real approximation we could come across to communicate to them. i never met them and im not sure if thats a good or a bad thing. the one time our shared mutual friend, another story all of his own, referred to it in these terms my reaction was visceral. i felt revolted, by the concept of Dating, and yet there had been candid (if emotional) talks about being married. living together after i moved across an ocean. and you know what, i think that maybe if i wasnt such damaged goods, we could have actually made that work and been happy. i dont know, maybe im taking too much responsibility here, im still too caught up in the love i had that ive blinded myself to needs and troubles within the nebulous nature of what lay between us.

i have so many questions and there will never be answers. im a hard person to love. ive always known this. a difficult and troubled child who it was questionable deserved to be fed grew into an adult with sharp edges that seem to lacerate anyone who gets close. im still not sure what caused the shift. theres a playlist collecting dust in spotify that seems colored by this rosy tenderness, that i feared was for me and it turns out was. i dont understand that, so theres more understanding to why someone would maintain a loving friendship for several months after a hard conversation where i talked about the unavoidable reality that i cannot do Dating and couldnt fulfill those plans that i really wanted to, only to vanish without a word, without a trace. that makes sense in a way.

i have trouble remembering that this friendship was real. i seem to be the only unforgivable one, the only one for whom there isn’t reconciliation, since i know other friendships with people were mended. which doesn’t make me angry, just further from feeling like im a real person. i would cry about it, feel resentful about it, or even reach out again and ask what the fuck even happened, but i really dont think any good would come of it.

and this whole thing, me writing all this nonsense out and all i can think is like, this is why people leave!! you’re fucking crazy, and toxic, and the kind of person that people see their friends and aquaintances interacting with and slip into dms to warn them about.

maybe im a casualty of being a nice fantasy that the reality of just isn’t that good. i dunno. i play out my own fantasies where i get to say goodbye. i get an explanation or a concrete ending. i think im even less lovable than i was, and that any of the nice parts of me have been sanded off, leaving only the nasty parts. so i really dont think i can mend fences. im just too fucking tired.

two years of silence. because im not even worth an email that just says “i dont want to be friends anymore”

[theday]

anyways, ill say bye now... i hope ure well rested and have a good day!! (wait, i remember what i wanted to ask!! at least i think this is what i wanted to ask? anywys, do u know what u want to do now that ure finished w school? if u dont mind me asking, of course, i understand if u think its a bit personal!) ok, now im done, have a good day!! take care and stay hydrated!! (and now i really did send u a bunch of asks..)

omg i hope u dont mind but ill be answering the stuff from ur last ask here (the one where i… deleted everything) under cut bc itll be 2x longer now

so first !!!!! how i got into kpop!!! it was thanks to my good pal (@.briwoon) boxy! i follow her on twitter and despite her being a day6 stan twt i had her unmuted anyway bc.. after years of being an anime blog on tumblr and seeing all my anime mutuals slowly converting into kpop blogs one by one i was able to filter the kpop out of my brain?? smth like that since back then i wasnt into kpop and i didnt want to unfollow since im mutuals with most of them :-0 

another backstory - i was one of those people who never saw themselves getting into kpop? and i think the main reason was bc i thought liking kpop would make u seem lame?? due to the influence from people around me?? but as years went by and as my mutuals changed interests it stopped bothering me and that mindset kind of just? faded away bc who am i to call other people’s happiness bad?? but despite being okay with it i never really made the move to get into any groups lmao that was until i got tired of my interest at that time (seiyuu, japanese voice actors) and my interests would always. not last?? idk so maybe thats why i didnt want to get invested but it happened regardless 

anyway usually i wouldnt take notice of her rts but this . this beautiful man with orange hair and minion glasses caught my eye when i was scrolling through my timeline and i was like o worm? oh mu god? hes beautiful? so i slid into her dms and asked her whomst the beautiful man was and she sent me all their mvs after that from congratulations to i smile (the most recent mv at that time, late june) for me to watch :-D now at that time, from what little knowledge i had of kpop.. i understood that groups would be singing and dancing so i was prepared to see some sick moves or smth?? but then. i clicked on miss i smile and my wig flew off? bc… wtf.? they were playing instruments???? and they sounded good ??? so i was like oh my god? a band??????

before day6 i also had (have) a preference for bands and the way their music sounds so i was like?? ready to just. get on board yknow?? i watched how can i say and i saw the lanky noodle wearing glasses and i was like o fuck mu life? i caved and asked boxy for their names and other information and best decision of my life bc.. they really make me happy!!! after that like the day after ? myabe they did a vlive and i was like o shit? what do i do… so i downloaded the vapp and wowie i love it? its my second home…… i watched every vlive they had at that time and i thought that was a lot… (it isnt, compared to mx) and i was just rly content??

(ok i know u asked for kpop and not … day6 or other groups bc im gonna talk abt how i got into mx and astro too bc…… how can i Not.. u can skip this part tho i just wanna ramble abt my loves? ill tell u when u can continue)

that was peak happiness for me at that time.. until… boxy started talking about monsta x in our groupchat (with @.tokayhk) and she would just ramble abt this kihyun fella (who i vaguely knew bc my real life friend likes him and mx and i bought her his pc before along with the guilty clan part 2) so i was like hmm interesting… and honestly? i wasnt going to get into monsta x i really wasnt planning on asking her abt them (since i was scared id lose interest in day6 right after) but then.. she started linking videos and i .. my resolve crumbled down as i heard monsta x yelling and … this beautiful cover (which boxy sent to show us how powerful kihyuns vocals are but i was 2 focused on mister aka minhyukku) and she told us how funny these monsta men are and i was like o h no…………….. eventually one day in late august i asked her to tell me more about these monstas…… aftert that i watched every mxray episode (starting from season 2 bc i dont know 1 comes before 2) and even though i didnt know anyone who was on screen except jooheon i found it really funny and?? it made me laugh so much i love mx?? ya… boxys kind of like my guardian angel?? shes really the reason im living tbh… introducing me to all these lovely people?? thank u miss boxy i love u

now. for the astrosus….. they were a bit different.. because i didnt have boxys help and they were the first group i took interest in solely bymyself so i knew i was in for a wild ride (at first, i couldnt even differentiate brian from sungjin in day6 lmao) after stanning monsta x and day6 i became more?? open to kpop and i started watching unhelpful guides on youtube bc . they were funnie and idk its nice??/ and i stumbled upon the astro one (which wasnt that funny but more helpful than anythng) and i was like. oh worm? the cicada group… bc i watched a short clip of them catching that stupid cicada in their office as it appeared on my tl one day so i clicked on the video ..and after watching that it led me to another video of astro being extra for 6 minutes and those six minutes/????? best six minutes of my life because theyre so fnny and they made me laugh a lot? (combined with the editing from op) so bc they were funnie i decided to look them up and read their profiles/??? i watched their nimdle video and only knew mj bc his tag was the two letters m and j lol but it really made me bust both of my lungs i just?? laughed A Lot 

im not sure how i managed to put name to face so quickly but it mightve been bc after the nimdle videos i watched every ddoca and astro play as well as their vlives available bc..  i just inhale the content at godspeed?? 

for mx and astro i was drawn in by their personalities before their music because they were on more variety shows and had more chances to show dorky they all are which made it way quicker for me to fall for the two groups??? for day6 its a bit sad but the weekly scheduled vlives arent enough for me to tell what kind of people they are (although those r still hilarious) i just wish they would go on more variety shows?? its understandable if they themselves dont want to be on any shows though!!! i love all 3 groups with all my heart :-D 

ok if u skipped u can start from here ill be answering the questions now lmao

FIRSTof all,,,,, youre learning how to drive?? thats so cool >:-0 we’re not allowed to learn until we’re like...?? 18?? or 21 idk but not so Soon :-( and its cute u think abt me (or of what to say) but pleaseth stay safe... i hope ur driving lessons go smoothly until u end theM!!! hopefully youll be able to get ur licence :-D 

aNDD!!! the thought of drinking warm tea when its cold outside.. is so ?? nice to think about hecc u better drink that tEA and enjoy it !!!! stay warm and comfy miss RM ..... and it even snows there????? thats so cool tbh ?? (i love snow but maybe thats bc it doesnt snow here so i dont know the tru evil of snow but like.... its so.... white and fluffy??) i would ask u 2 take pics and show me but alas...... the time is not right :-( do u know when we’re allowed to expose ourselves?? i forgot rip... but its sometime next month right im excited???? since its near my birthday !!!!! 

ok now to answer this ask no i actually have no clue what i want to be after i finish school?? yikEs but last year i (jokingly) said i wanted to be a farmer??? idk if i might actually do that probably not i guess im just freestyling (going with the flow) for now we’ll see where life takes me 

and like i said u can ask me anything !!! im fine with it :-) alsooooo please dont ever feel bad about sending too many asks bc its a lovely thing to wake up to and i just?? get rly happy when i see all the asks in my activity :-D!!  

[jarofglitter]

Another GW2 Guild/Community drama heads up. I have been going over the conversations, and thinking if there is anything I want to add.

Perhaps two things, that actually *hurt* me the most was that a) my aid (giving away stocks of all kinds of mats from common to rare or what little saved gold I had, purchasing and crafting things for people, keeping them company or being part of the group so they could complete something they seek quicker, etc.) was erased so very easily, and b) that the misinterpretation of my help and intentions for a sick friend to be taken as "taking over her project"

Also we have been doing the "help others" thing way before any of us jumped to this server. Before there wans any idea of making a guild. Keeping track of it just made it official. I am also bit puzzled on why this is one person's project but not the community's...  

For what it is worth, I will keep helping others.

Zeb’s DMs 4/4

Zeb---- Today at 2:54 PM I never have

del - Today at 2:54 PM I am really tired to reason with anyone.

Zeb---- Today at 2:54 PM now you're putting words into my mouth

del - Today at 2:55 PM No, I'm not. That is WHAT they did.

Zeb---- Today at 2:55 PM I am not THEY

del - Today at 2:55 PM You will be part of it soon, eventually. So I am just telling it bluntly.

Zeb---- Today at 2:55 PM Everyone is their own person

del - Today at 2:55 PM I dont udnerstand this intense fear of order.

Zeb---- Today at 2:56 PM thats not what this is. we never talked over what the rules should have been and we never settled on a time to talk it over

del - Today at 2:56 PM ZEB WOULD YOU PLEASE READ WHAT I AM WRITING

Zeb---- Today at 2:56 PM I did

del - Today at 2:56 PM THE *GUIDELINES WERE MADE OUT OF NECESIRTY AND HASTILY I NEVER SAID THEY WERE FINAL AND WE ALWAYS TALKED ABOUT CONTIBRUTION

Zeb---- Today at 2:57 PM BUT YOU ACTED ON THEM AS IF THEY WERE

del - Today at 2:57 PM NONE OF YOU STEPPED FORWARD AND SHARED WHAT YOU THINK YOU SUMPLY DID NOT

Zeb---- Today at 2:57 PM WE TRIED

del - Today at 2:57 PM YOU DO NOT GET TO BLAME ME FOR THAT

Zeb---- Today at 2:57 PM I TRIED

del - Today at 2:57 PM NO NONE OF YOU DID

Zeb---- Today at 2:57 PM and you cant just go ahead with rules if no one collaborates

del - Today at 2:57 PM THERE WAS NOT A SINGLE CONVERSITATON ABOUT IT

Zeb---- Today at 2:57 PM I know

del - Today at 2:57 PM EVEN AFTER I ASKED PEOPLE IF THEY LIKED IT OR NOT

Zeb---- Today at 2:58 PM exactly. it never should have been decided, then passed to us

del - Today at 2:58 PM I didnt establish rules out of my ass.

Zeb---- Today at 2:58 PM you kind of did. hastily.

del - Today at 2:58 PM People needed chat rooms, I made chat rooms. I wrote a text to explain what they are for to avoid confusion and chaos.

Zeb---- Today at 2:58 PM there was never confusion and chaos

del - Today at 2:58 PM People misused them many times, I let them slip, then warned and nudged, and they just kept doing it. Zeb...

Zeb---- Today at 2:59 PM ok... listen to this.

del - Today at 2:59 PM the point isnt "it wasnt yet"(edited) the purpose fo those were to avoid it before it happened

Zeb---- Today at 2:59 PM thats not how rules are made. There was never a speed limit rule before cars were invented.

Zeb---- Today at 3:00 PM and despite us using chat channels for things other than your intended purpose, there was never chaos

del - Today at 3:00 PM Hello, I have common sense and a little bit of knowldge on community space works.

Zeb---- Today at 3:00 PM so do I

del - Today at 3:01 PM You dont wait to make note on "was your hands after you pee" on the toilet, you put it there before anyone pokes food with their peed hands.

Zeb---- Today at 3:01 PM actually, thats exactly how that came about. now as a society, its a non-issue rules arent made before problems exist

del - Today at 3:02 PM Zeb, we are poeple who are makign ruels and guidelines because of the experince they had. You cant just wait for things to get thesmelves on fire before making sure that doesnt happen. Why is this so ahrd to grasp? Is that an American thing?

Zeb---- Today at 3:02 PM you dont have to and that was uncalled for

del - Today at 3:02 PM Is that a culture thing? Because that is not how I was educated nor experinced. That is an honest question.

Zeb---- Today at 3:03 PM no, it was a low blow.

del - Today at 3:03 PM You know me well enough that I dont make jokes about those stuff.

Zeb---- Today at 3:03 PM didn't sound like a joke. sounded like a prod, which you've been known to do. even so

del - Today at 3:04 PM Prod?

Zeb---- Today at 3:04 PM a jab

del - Today at 3:04 PM What's a prod? Uhh... what's a jab?

Zeb---- Today at 3:04 PM a mean poke.

del - Today at 3:04 PM ...what? I didnt do that out of meaness. I asked it honeslty. Why would I be mean?

Zeb---- Today at 3:06 PM Good question. you have been in the past, but its irrelevant right now.

You dont have to wait for things to come crashing down to make rules. Thats not what im suggesting.

But rules as strict as yours about things as minor as yours were made pre-emptively. If unrest had come about, then a more direct degree of order might be warranted

del - Today at 3:07 PM I will give you two simple examples. Sassy requested a music bot. I created a connected voice and text channel for it. Why? I have my own hearing problems. I cannot hear people well all the time. Especially when there is many of them. Considering there might be other people like me who would prefer to have a channel for conversitation other than music bc everyone can have their music in bg, I madema spesific voice channel for it. It was not only to help people like me but also the music bot into a shared secondary activty within the server. Encouraging people to share their loved songs and sing a long if they wished. Idy didnt really enjoy others singing, so she avoided to music channel.

Zeb---- Today at 3:10 PM no one has had an issue with the music bot or its affiliated channel, and they are completely beside the issue.

The issues were entirely within the confines of the overabundance of voice channels

del - Today at 3:10 PM If she didnt have alternate options she would be stuck there or would be avoiding having calls with us. The text channel was for bot to avoid clutter in general chat. Bc when you write in general it pins everyone up. Why would we harass people with it? It got his own channels so people could use them without disturbing others. This was a prediction and served us well. Oh, I forgot the second one...

Zeb---- Today at 3:12 PM again, the music bot and its channels has nothing to do with this. Next?

del - Today at 3:13 PM Again you are missing my point.

Zeb---- Today at 3:13 PM im not.

del - Today at 3:13 PM I am trying to show you why I made guidelines with what predictions. You are ignoring it then.

Zeb---- Today at 3:14 PM not all of the rules or regulation are applicable to the current situation, so you cant lump them all together as either "complete oversaturation of rules" or "complete anarchy". There is an in-between. and Im not ignoring it

del - Today at 3:15 PM What I am trying to say is, I made all those channels with predictions and all those served well. There wasnt anarchy because I did my best to avoid it, despite everyone refusal to follow the guidelines.

Zeb---- Today at 3:15 PM no, there wasn't anarchy because there wouldn't have been anyway. There's no anarchy in and discord chat im in, of the 25 or 30 im in.

del - Today at 3:16 PM If you are not missing the point and if you are not ignoring it, then what are you doing Zeb? Because I dont think you are stupid.

Zeb---- Today at 3:16 PM you are failing to see that i am not missing your point, you are ignoring mine. which you interprit as me missing it. and this is where the disconnect is

del - Today at 3:18 PM No, your point doesnt make sense. You are cheering for no rules no guidelines.

Zeb---- Today at 3:18 PM no im not. Im cheering for fewer, but important, rules. because overabundance of rules stresses members out, and makes more work for the owners there is no benefit

del - Today at 3:19 PM Okay. Do me favour. Shut up about how I did everything wrong, and tell me how you would do.

Zeb---- Today at 3:19 PM sure

del - Today at 3:20 PM Make a server, design it the way you want and invite me.

Zeb---- Today at 3:28 PM I am making a server for a group of 6 to 10 people, which was the original scope of our group. If it grew bigger, it would change.

I am consoling a friend on voice chat, so I wont be accompanying you there.

If you have questions, ask them here. [link]

**IN THE SERVER**

del - Today at 3:30 PM okay... want me to point of your msitakes? out*

Zeb---- Today at 3:31 PM point out your opinion of flaws, and I will tell you why I made the decisions. how about that, instead of you calling them mistakes already.

del - Today at 3:31 PM General chat pings everyone when a message sent in.

Zeb---- Today at 3:31 PM ok users can mute that if they choose so its no issue

del - Today at 3:31 PM you cant mute general as well as i know but that is not the point now be quiet and read

Zeb---- Today at 3:32 PM one at a time to avoid confusion http://puu.sh/xjX8w/db32ef6491.png

del - Today at 3:33 PM People who are going to use any of those VCs will not always have a mike, will not always be able to talk, or they might be mute. To avoid confusion between the general chat and what those people would like to say when they are lsitening to your friends, you need a channel for them. If you make them write in general chat, it will confuse the people who are not in VC

Zeb---- Today at 3:34 PM they dont need mics. they should chat in game with their party.

del - Today at 3:34 PM Which did, in our other server, something I know from experince, and that is WHY I created the text for speech channel in our server.

Zeb---- Today at 3:34 PM I dont have 2 monitors, even when Idy types in her chat, I miss it. and im not tabbing out to read it. I read party chat,

del - Today at 3:34 PM Not everyone is in the same part or squad or guild.

Zeb---- Today at 3:35 PM then whisper, or read the guild chat,

del - Today at 3:35 PM So you are simply ignoring her because she doesnt have a mike?

Zeb---- Today at 3:35 PM no...

del - Today at 3:35 PM What if she is talking towards multiple people? Who are all in different guilds?

Zeb---- Today at 3:35 PM if she has no mic and wont use general, party, guild, or whisper, then why is she here? you can chat and see chat across multiple guilds in game

del - Today at 3:36 PM Wow.

Zeb---- Today at 3:36 PM thats what I do and its much easier.

del - Today at 3:36 PM Okay.

Zeb---- Today at 3:36 PM if they are part of the guild, its presumed they want to be,

del - Today at 3:36 PM So you are saying I can talk to Idy on voice and she can asnwer me in guild chat. That wouldnt make peopel confusing at all? Who are not in the VC or in this server at all.

Zeb---- Today at 3:37 PM Im saying if its a private conversation, use whisper if its between multiple people, use party

del - Today at 3:37 PM You just kicked out a friend from this server for not having mic, instead of making interactions with her and people like her more easy. Contrgulations on your first ban.

Zeb---- Today at 3:37 PM i did not at all.

del - Today at 3:37 PM Next

Zeb---- Today at 3:37 PM I didnt do that. but sure, next.

del - Today at 3:38 PM What are those voice chats stands for? They have no presentation? Where the music bot gonna be?

Zeb---- Today at 3:38 PM there is no music bot unless many people want one. if they do, I can make one. and the VCs are generally

del - Today at 3:38 PM Many people wanted the bot. What now?

Zeb---- Today at 3:38 PM I heard sassy suggest it, but not more than that. and even so, sure. make a channel. Thats besides the point.

del - Today at 3:39 PM All of them have ben using it.

Zeb---- Today at 3:39 PM this is for guild communication

del - Today at 3:39 PM Asnwer my questions

Zeb---- Today at 3:39 PM I did.

del - Today at 3:39 PM Many people wanted the bot. What now?

Zeb---- Today at 3:39 PM so make a bot. sure. I didn't because no one is here. again, its besides the point

del - Today at 3:40 PM you dont have to make a bot. We are playing pretend. Many people wanted the bot. You get the bot. What now?(edited)

Zeb---- Today at 3:40 PM they play music in the channel for it. thats it.

del - Today at 3:41 PM and where they going to que and request songs for it?

Zeb---- Today at 3:41 PM thats all they need. and if they cant have a music bot and its a deal breaker, then bye. this is a guild for people to be with eachother and play, talk, and socialize

del - Today at 3:41 PM They need a text channel to be able to use the bot. So they can request songs.

Zeb---- Today at 3:41 PM messing with a music bot is not required. when the bot is added, then so will a text channel. but its not a requirement.

del - Today at 3:42 PM So, no fun is allowed everyone has to play GW2 and they cannot even talk anything other than GW2 even music? Got it.

Zeb---- Today at 3:42 PM didnt say that. stop putting words in my mouth.

del - Today at 3:42 PM This server you build is way too stricting than anything I did in the CAKE! server.

Zeb---- Today at 3:42 PM people can play other things. not at all.

del - Today at 3:42 PM Yes it is.

Zeb---- Today at 3:42 PM people can play whatever they want and be in whatever chat they want the VCs are there for people to use when necessary so they can form groups

del - Today at 3:43 PM There is no presentation and there is no rules, there is no way of telling how to use what. As far as I know people can use those one of those VCs for voice ERP, Zeb.(edited)

Zeb---- Today at 3:44 PM If people want to use things for ERP, then I can make an nsfw channel for them, sure. Boom, there it is.

del - Today at 3:44 PM EW

Zeb---- Today at 3:44 PM well, you asked.

del - Today at 3:44 PM No, I didnt asked for it.

Zeb---- Today at 3:44 PM next.

del - Today at 3:45 PM I pointed out none of those VCs has a decided purpose, they are just there. It is not presetanble.

Zeb---- Today at 3:45 PM they dont need to be

del - Today at 3:45 PM I persoally wouldnt spend too much time here to figure out what I am suppsoed to do without something to read to figure out what is it for what.

Zeb---- Today at 3:46 PM There can be 6 people in general chat to start with

del - Today at 3:46 PM There is also no space for community/guild projects.

Zeb---- Today at 3:46 PM doesn't need to be with 6 to 10 people, like the original scope we had.

del - Today at 3:46 PM You are forcing peopel to use general chat and clutter it with all kidns of information.

Zeb---- Today at 3:46 PM and you can use announcements for that

del - Today at 3:47 PM While you could have seperated rooms to spesific needs. This is chaotic and stressing.

Zeb---- Today at 3:47 PM I've covered the major bases. Most guilds ive been in dont have much more than this.

del - Today at 3:47 PM Well, we are not a guild.

Zeb---- Today at 3:47 PM and all the discord servers ive seen with all that clutter remain empty for a good chunk of time

del - Today at 3:47 PM We were a community that was suppsoed to house guildies and non-guildies all together. More people, more needs, more necessery space.

Zeb---- Today at 3:48 PM to be added as needed. no need, no add. here's an example: http://puu.sh/xjXvU/cae296564e.png

del - Today at 3:48 PM I added the thigns that was needed. I saw the ned and I added them. I didnt suddenly tried to make random channels just bc i feel like it.

Zeb---- Today at 3:48 PM they werent needs. they were 1 or 2 people asking for something

del - Today at 3:49 PM No not just 1 or 2 people I observed people Zeb

Zeb---- Today at 3:49 PM here's another example of a cluttered guild with no attendies http://puu.sh/xjXwJ/342fc3c4d4.png

del - Today at 3:49 PM I created those for people's needs, I didnt just made those because 1 person wanted.

Zeb---- Today at 3:49 PM http://puu.sh/xjXyo/66e8b8522e.png

del - Today at 3:49 PM Plus music bot is a fun thing, and I also wanted to have fun.

Zeb---- Today at 3:49 PM there were no needs there were desires. next?

del - Today at 3:50 PM That's a good scuruter, ours are almost the same. We just have prettier names.

Zeb---- Today at 3:50 PM notice how they are empty. and for the most part only 3 or 4 channels are used regularly

del - Today at 3:51 PM Next is, this server doesn't serve well to the needs of people. It is not presentable, it lacks any kind of rule and guidelines. It is home for anarchy.

Zeb---- Today at 3:51 PM it's got a generall rule that goes without saying, play nice. other stuff can be made as you go. and you are misusing the term anarchy.

del - Today at 3:52 PM chaos then, whatever. disorder. not everyone is capable of udnerstanding "general rules that goes without saying"

Zeb---- Today at 3:52 PM and clearly, very few are capable of understanding an ever growing mountain of rules.

del - Today at 3:52 PM i mean, look at the current poltical situtation? Do you think those people are "playing nice"? do you reallt think people here going to "play nice"? extreme example but, it is there

Zeb---- Today at 3:53 PM they were, and in every other server im in, they do. they arent now because they feel attacked in your server.

del - Today at 3:53 PM Zeb, your ahhm... how to say

Zeb---- Today at 3:53 PM whether or not you agree is irrelevant

del - Today at 3:53 PM You have too much tolerance for bullshit I dont.

Zeb---- Today at 3:54 PM and you have no tolerance for pretty much anything. I have seen it.

del - Today at 3:54 PM Not correct

Zeb---- Today at 3:54 PM like, you wont tolerate people running ahead in dungeons? or saying the B-word? or any other normal thing?

del - Today at 3:54 PM If I didnt have tolerance I would be swinging ban-hammer, isntead of letting thigns slip or simply trying to warn and inform people.

Zeb---- Today at 3:54 PM not necessarily. you dont have to get extreme to have no tolerance

del - Today at 3:55 PM People have been using that word with me in chat so many times. I let it slip numerous times, even after I waited patiently after I warned them. I didnt cut people's tongue for using it. I laughed and thanked for their udnerstanding.

Zeb---- Today at 3:55 PM you get on their case every time, so they say sorry. how agressive you are changes, but generally its the same.

del - Today at 3:56 PM I get irritated when peopel dont follow each other, because many people have connection and loading issues. They run froward, and then they kick me from groups before I can laod in. So it makes me annoyed and makes me stressed. Thats why I have been playing with friends only. They wait and they know and isntead of being stressed and i can laugh at it

Zeb---- Today at 3:57 PM people dont generally kick you if you are loading in.

del - Today at 3:57 PM they did Zeb

Zeb---- Today at 3:57 PM usually, they run ahead and kill everything, then you get there,

del - Today at 3:57 PM im not lying or making something up

Zeb---- Today at 3:57 PM in raids it might be different. im not saying you are

del - Today at 3:57 PM its not a raid

Zeb---- Today at 3:57 PM like when we first ran AC

del - Today at 3:57 PM its dungeons and fractals look

Zeb---- Today at 3:57 PM you remember?

del - Today at 3:58 PM We are incaplbe of reaching to a point here.

Zeb---- Today at 3:58 PM we are on a tangent. and are in disagreement. our opinions are different.

del - Today at 3:58 PM You keep blaming me on things, on not being tolerant or being agressive, even thought the it has been clear that I always had enoguh tolerance for all of it.

Zeb---- Today at 3:58 PM you dont show it in your writing. at all

del - Today at 3:59 PM And even if I didnt, I tried to make up for it. I get dissapointed over things, when they dont go the way they should.

Zeb---- Today at 3:59 PM everyone does. and we all handle it differently

del - Today at 3:59 PM I handled the best way, but I cannot fix thigns if people are unresponsive and choose to ignore.

Zeb---- Today at 4:00 PM no, a better way would have been to look at the whole picture.

del - Today at 4:00 PM I am not always on people's neck, yelling or whatever you think I am doing. If you find that my voice that raised, and my attitude was agressive, then it had a reason.

Zeb---- Today at 4:01 PM the whole picture was that no one in our chat was confused or lost, we were all having a good time and enjoying ourselves.

del - Today at 4:01 PM Becuase I waited patiently, because I warned, because I ignored, but I saw no change. So I chaged my attitude to make people notice it.

Zeb---- Today at 4:01 PM then you came in, overreacted on our location, and left.

del - Today at 4:01 PM Does it work? Yes, it does.

Zeb---- Today at 4:02 PM it made people leave. people who used to love you,

del - Today at 4:02 PM I didnt overreacted, you guys were the oens overreacted my message to fix this issue. I dont care.

Zeb---- Today at 4:02 PM I disagree.

del - Today at 4:02 PM If people going to love me by stepping on me, then that is not love. That is not mutually healthy relationship.

Zeb---- Today at 4:02 PM they didn't step on you, they were in the wrong channel.

del - Today at 4:02 PM And I am glad they are gone.

Zeb---- Today at 4:03 PM and little errors here and there shouldn't be stepping on.

del - Today at 4:03 PM I would prefer to have very few friends who has common sense and logic then a bunch of so called adults who thrives in no-rules no-guidelines no-working-together mindsets.(edited)

Zeb---- Today at 4:04 PM your logic seems flawed. We all were working together on stuff we were interested in. we were cooperating without needing gratuitous rules and everyone was having fun del - Today at 4:04 PM we all know that doesnt work, at some point it breaks and everyone cries(edited)

Zeb---- Today at 4:05 PM and that point was when you tore into the group. not from something we did. and it can work it does work

del - Today at 4:06 PM Okay. You guys didnt follow the guidelines, you get warned numerous times. Didnt listen. I rised my voice to show my dissapointment. And then made a post to offer all of us a chance to fix this together. Everyone refused and everyone didnt want to be responsbily of their msitakes. And everyone thought I was an easy target. I wasnt. End of story. Im really tired, of repeating myself.

Zeb---- Today at 4:06 PM there were too many guidelines there ye go

del - Today at 4:06 PM I really feel like a robot now. ---- [I quit the server after this.]

Zeb---- Today at 4:09 PM I suppose thats it then. Good luck in your endeavors, you will be missed.  ---- [I got blocked after this so I didn’t get to reply and there is no point anyways.]

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 270618

i cry at least once aday cus im only surrounded by whites but like.... there are poc here. theres other adoptees of color and some poc in my DM’s wanting to chat with me and maybe even hang out but fuuuCKKK WHAT IS WRONG WTH ME WHY AM I NOT SOCIAL

i also always cry about how social and happy i used to be but im doing anything about it lmao. like i KNOW that in order to get my shit together i need to sleep and eat and exercize and shit..... do i do that?? absolutely the fuck no cus i love to feel sorry for mysel and watch myself destroy everything

i hate myself, i hate my life i can feel the anxiety coming and when that is i always call my mom but she’s white and im so  paranoid i dont trust white people with anything i REALLLY RESLLY REALLY want a therapist of color but my lazy ass cant even manage to call one cus i’d rather lie in my bed and DIE than doing smth productive with my life

also im together with a white dude and just thinking about how confused i am about this relationship makes me want to die alone. i cant trust my own thoughts and feelings but i SURE AS HELL cant trust anyone else either. not white people, no poc and not adoptees of color either. the only person i trust is my partner cus they know me better than anyone else and theyre wise but fuck i dont trust them either cus i cant even manage to tell them this cus ive already been such a horrible partner and i dont want to huet them but hey no its not even about that. its about ME not wanting to lose them cus im so fucking selfish which is only another reason i should break up. if you knew what a horrible partner, friend and human being ive been you’d all hate me. im such a hypocrite and when i hear my partner forigve me despie me KNEOING what i am like.......

how will i ever find someone who loves me like them. i’ll never find anyone like them. does it really matter that they’re white in that case? yes it does can i’d literally kILL myself if our children were to become white. how can i love myself after all of this. im holding onnto a dream of re-visiting my homecountry and my birth place. im holding omto a dream of learning mandarin and more abt my culture and get lots of chinese and asian friends but like..... who am i kidding. that wont solve my problems. what i feel is so much deeper. what i feel is nothing that can be fixed

IM SO FUCKINF SAD EVERYONE. IM SO SAD AND I MISS MY BIOLOGIAL PARENTS SO FUCKING MUCH. I HATE EVERYONE BUT ONLY BC I DONT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH MY OWN SELF HATRED AND DISSATISFACTION. IM SO SAD AND FRUSTRATED AND LONELY AND I JUST WANT TO BE IN MY MOMS BELLY.

why did it turn out like this. what am i so problematic snd why am i not doing anything about it. why did i destroy and fux up every single relationship i ever had. why cant i love my adoptive family like anyone else. but why al i not strong enough to cut them off. is it bc i actually love them? or is it bc im scared of being alone? will i love them again when i’ve healed, when i’ve revovered from whatever it is im revorigin form. abandonment? loss? lost family, lost identity, lost culture, lost people

it doesnt matter how many POC i connect with or how many adoptees i connect with. i’ll always feel lonely. i’ll always be lonely. and im so pathetic i cant stand it. i’d rather kill myself than knowing i’ll always be lonely. ive fkd up every friendship and relationship i have and im too scared of building new ones bc im so over attatched and want to rely on them forever. and now i dont even feel anything but anger and hatred. im such a fucking mess. im a danger to myself and everyone around me. im abusing the ones i claim to love, i dream about taking a gun and just shoot everyone down. i dream about committing suicide but not bc i actually want to, but because i want to revenge. on who? i want my family to suffer. i want society to suffer and know my pain. but they wont. they never will

im all alone, im so lonely im so lonely i keep isolering myself. i keep dreaming about fkn kpop idols and anime characters. i will never get better if i dont do smth but im so tired and im so angry. but it only hurts me. im only hurting myself even more. no one cares. no one will ever care, its only hurting ME

i thought i had gotten better. i used to feel like this everyday. now its only once a month. but idk. i cant think straight, i cant control myself. i know i shouldnt post stuff lile this DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IVE FKD UP CUS I CANT CONTROL MYSELF WHEN IM IN THIS KIND OF STATE ONE TIME I ACTUALLY THOOUGHT I WAS GONNA KILL SOMEONE AND THEN JUMP IN FRONT OF A BUS

im sitting in my room. my little sister is outside and when im done with this message i’ll go out to her and pretend nothing happened. i cry for myself. i cry for other adoptees too. i cry for my adopted little sister and how white she is. i cry for all adoptees who’ve grown up to become whites. i cry because im such a fkn mess. i cry bc my abusive tendencies started so early. i abused my little sister bc of my own fkn issues and our adoptive parents didnt even care, they didnt even realize.

i feel like this is who i was supposed to be. a disgusting manipulative abuser but i know thats just another excuse for me to not do smth about myself

why dont i care about my family? about my partner or my little sister? i’d say i love my partner the most but i care more about my little sister

sometimes when i see children of color, or asian children i just feel something so fucking strong. i feel like i want to die for them on the spot. i feel like straight out giving them my jeart and protect them forever.

i got pregnant when i was 17 and it changed my life. ive never been interested in children but after that i was. but its so unhelathy. im only interested bc i want someone like me. i even doubted the abortion. fuck i felt like absolute SHIT after the abortion. i felt like they took smth from me, they took my mom, they took my baby. everhthing was taken from me and i got nothing. if im not able to have biolocial children in the future i’ll kill myself. if my children is looking white or nothing like me i’ll kill myself. im happy i had an abortion tho. i wasnt mentally stable. poor child would have only been born bc i was feeling lonely

i’d be such a horrible mom too. i’d be so overprotective. im always like that. overprotective in a possessive kind of way. like YOURE MINE. my child would hate me and i wouldnt blame them. i just feel like i have to protect something. i NEED something to protect. no one ever needs me. im always clinging into others but no one ever needs me as much as i need them. a child would need me. but they would eventuellt grow up so im thinking about a dog or a car instead. they would need me.

you know what i want? uncondotional love. from people of color. yes i have that from my white adoptive parents but i dont feel it. instead i feel like im using them. im shitting so fucking much on them and i dont know if i do it even more cus i feel guilty for shitting on them. most times they just take it and its like that makes me even angrier but if they were to argue with me i’d fkn explode right there and now. ive always been such a problematic kid. i can feel it. my sister’s been so calm and perfect but ive always been unstable. its like i always test people. ive tested my adoptive parents for 17-18 years now.

but everhtime i actually have someone love me uncondotilnally i feel like i have to isolate myself. its such a weird fkn thing i have such a weird fkn conception abt relationships and such. its just the way i thought it was like. in a friendship, relationship or family theres ONE dominant and ONE submissive. i realized relationships doesnt work lile this AT AGE 17 WHEN I LOST ALL MY FRIENDS. can you believe i’ve lived like this for 17 years???? i still categorize ppl into this and its so fucked up. how could i think like this?? how can I STILL think like this?? the submissive have to love the dominant one but the dominant will always protect the submissive one. i always, ALWAYYS go for dominant ones. and its always, ALWAYS going shit. either bc i expect too much from them. i expect them to love me back snd PROTECT ME or im just too clingy and get rejected. bc when im the dominant one i get bored. its like i WANT to fight for peoples attention. i see them as superior and i feel good when they give me that. but not too much cus if they give me too much I’LL feel superior and then i feel bored. thats basically my relationship with my partner now. ive been an awful fkn asshat and they’re still staying with me. it disturbed me once so much i forced them to break up with me only to guilt trip them when they did.

im so fucked up i really am. my partner deserves so much better. im so fucked up that i want to break up with them but if i would, if they would, i’d go fucking banans. thats not a healthy relationship. i shouldnt be in relationship

i should be alone til ive fgired myself out. but lonliness and isolation drives me mad. i dont trust myself

this post wasnt supposed to be lile this. i was going to write smth intellectual but instead im exposing myself like this. why do i do that? i dont know. do i wan people to feel sorry for me?? is that what i want? do i want advice? advice that i know i wont follow anyways cus im a dumbass?? is it because i just cant hold it in? why dont i post it somewhere else private? especially when i KNOWW THAT ILL GET SO FKN ANXIOUS ABT POSTING THIS THAT ILL NEVER FACE ANYONE AHAIN SND ILL REBLOG SO MANY TAEHYUNG GIFS AND JUST LAUGH IT OFF BUT LILE..... IM STILL GONNA POST IT???

sometimes i tell myself i wouldnt care if i died but im actually so afraid of dying

i want to be happy i want to be good but i dont know if i can or if i deserve it. when im not feeling like shit i dont want to talka but this bc then i’ll feel like sjit snd im scared of myself. i feel like im turning into a demon, something i cant control and im scared i’ll do stupid shit

how do i get rid of this? how dont become happy. the fact that my family is white, my partner is white. is that a problem or is it only me? do i have to break up, do i have to cut off my family in order to become satisfied? in order to decolonize? i know adoptees who have. mostly cus they got real weird fkn prents but my parents are....... so-so. they’re white. they’re good parents except they’ee white. but other adoptees parents weren’t even good parents to start with and their whiteness and racism made it 722771x worse

i hate feeling so split always having to choose. choose between AP and bio family. whites and poc. i’ll choose poc. i’ll choose my birth family. but i dont have a birth family like...... and now im stuck with this white one. ive been abandoned multiple times im not strong enougg to get rid of my AP’s even if i want to. but i dont think that i want to. i think i love them. im just so fkn heartvroken abt the fact that they’re white and therefore constantly hurting me and my sister wether they want it or not. im stuck. its like a fkn curse.

i was a fine kid before. i always had these issue but the abortion def triggered it. the abortion and break up with my friends that was like the 3rd break up and i just knew that damn i dont have the energy to keep going. dont even get me started on the breakup. i was a sjit friend. yeah im still a bit salty cus i think hey could have handled it better but tbh........ they probably sensed the fucking freak inside of me me before it jumped. i keep telling myself they only protected themselves but im paranoid and hate everyone and when i feel abandoned and rejected i deal with it with being an abusive asshat

i wonder why im like this. im obv not the only one since i keep reading abt adoptees who murder and stuff. i kinda think thats me sometimes. that im gonna turn out like that and just go on a murder spree. when i see x-men or the black panther...... i always feel for erik and eric (sre they both named eric lmao). mage to and killingen. and all charcters like that. i cried so much when i watched these movies cus im so sensitive when it comes to families AND people. (xmen jewish ppl) (black panther black ppl). and i kind of undersyood them

especially xmen apacolypse. he really tried to turn good. he really got himself a family but even they got killed. everyone got kille. i kinda admire him but i also think he’s weak. how come he’s able to just turn good after that?????  i’d probably kill the whole fucking world. like what kind of propaganda IS THAT??? is that even real??

and i feel so awful cus i had a good childhood i guess??? i mean fkn killmonger grew up all alone and poor and he found his fkn dad murdered??? i understand that trauma!!! and magneto had his mom shot in front of him and watched his whole people fkn die. and what about me? i havent been through any of that

ofc i dont know. i dont know what happened before and i dont remember. my APs got divroced tho and my A mom got PTSD and i def think that affected me as well tho. i kind of lost my family AGAIN. and ive never really tristes them after that. even there u could feel me snd my fucked up ness

i was such a shithead to my mom who had freaking PTSD. i blamed her for everything. breaking up with dad, bad ekonomy and then our fkn white big brother moved home bc he was depressed too or smth and there we were. 3 kids sharing a room while mom was unemployed and slept in the living room. that was such a messy time and my 11 y/o self was so angry and aggressive. and my poor sister was so scared and shy. of me. of all of us

anyways why didnt my sister turn out like this? is it bc of my temepramwnt?? maybe. ive read abt mental illness but i dont really feel like anyone fits. im leaning more towards bpd. bipolar and ptsd are similar but i dont rly get those periods and i dont get flashbacks of my trauma either cus im not even sure what my trauma is. its more like..... a feeling rather than smth specific. i mean its not like i remember anything

but why did i tjen out like this. irs cus everyone hates me right? lmao u always think lile that ots so pathetic. i always think ppl do shit to huet m. my poor partner and ex-friends..... the simpliest mistake would make me crazy.

im such a horrible human and sometimes i dont want to do anything abt this. i just dont wanna CARE but i know i feel line that cus i feel guilty deep inside. and it wont make me happy either

if i recover will i stop hating white people? will i stop hate my family and non-adoptees? probably not white ppl and non-adoptees. i mean i still hate men and so so why would i stop just cus i recover. but my family? will i forgve myself? will i fogive them? i cant forive them ew no. ugh idek what im saying. what do i have to do to stop feeling like this?

maybe get out of bed? yeah thats a start

thanks ill reblog bts now and then ill turn off my phone and never come back. cant wait to comeback and cringe the fuck out of myself wow i love

[beautifulcatastrophe3]

4 days discharged from Reasons

Update:

So, on my blogs im going to be %100 truthful and brutally honest and not lie to myself and think that everything is okay and lie to myself when things really aren’t. They second i got home i weighed myself and i did not like number that i saw on the scale and i was completely disgusted. i wasnt at all shocked though because i felt it in my clothes, i felt it in my skin, and my mind was telling me that i had gained and unacceptable and disappointing amount of weight and i never doubt it for a second. Although, as i tried to adhere to my eating schedule the Reasons Residential has set; it was quickly shot done by the new rules that i had to abide and that totally cancelled out my HS snack because i was not allowed to eat after to 6pm the kitchen was closed at that times and i had to start cooking my dinner at 1600hr (4pm) and be eating it at 1700hrs. It was ridiculous my lunch hour was pretty much the only thing that stayed the same and my breakfast was the same. I was given no time to transition and i even asked for the time as i was woken up at 0600 to dragged on an exercise expedition that i didnt even ask to go on or had no prior commitment to going or knowing about but they said the it was in their routine and all of a sudden i had to fall in to their “ routine” and i didnt even get to create my own or even get time to transition and even unpack. So, making me do 3 miles, not to mention then also making comments that is i continue to do walks like this that i can tone up and wont have to feel as bad about myself. Of course, as soon as i got home they commented on my body weight and how they like my weight better this way and how me being that skinny was gross and i looked to sickly. I immediately told her that i hated my body and that i missed that body weight and i wanted to lose 20lbs and i couldnt even fit any of my clothes now and i look horrible in anything that i wear now. She replied with the response i expected and assumed she would say, which was; oh, you like fine and you dont need to lose any weight just tone up with some weights and im down to lose 10lbs with you;”

That was because i told her i wanted to lose 10lbs so she said okay… uhm, like i just haven’t got out an eating disorder residential and inpatient facility for 6months with beginners kidney damage.. its just like she doesnt get it or comprehend the fact of my eating disorder and its complication and severeness. My Anorexia will take any loop hole it can take to try to get away with things especially with trying to not eat and and to lose weight.

So, here’s where the confessions come in at. The first day i purged. i was late for lunch because i was i still driving up home.

Confession 2 i started diet pills and laxatives again i found my stash again. Im just so desperate to lose weight and get back to a weight thats acceptable and that wont trigger me every fucking time i take a shower, get dress, look in a damn mirror, or see myself in a damn picture.

Confession 3: i returned back into my over-exercising phase again. I glad woke up with my parents in the morning at 0600hrs to actually do the 3miles hell, why not. Then after i did a 30min session of yoga a 10 session of stretching for a cool down. Today June 9, 2017 i did 11miles. Yeah i walked to my friends house instead of taking the bus just for the exercise it took about 3hrs to get there in about 83 to 85 degree weather and i got my runners and high. i honestly loved it while i kept disassociating in out almost the whole time; imagine different fucking scenarios in my head, fucking flashbacks, shitty stuff, wishing i would of stay at Reasons and about how fucked up my life is about to become going this another relapse.. Fuck and i dont even have a therapist yet and my psychiatrist is in the process; orientation is next friday June 16th and 1400hrs. S so hopefully can switch my psychiatrist to someone else other than doctor Chahal.

Confession 4: I only bought diet food and now dinners foods on purpose because i was planning on not eating dinner. I tried and did avoid eating with them so i can say that i ate when i really didnt or just restrict a little. So, i ended i stopped eating and i dont even the protein bars that i even bought but i will be utilizing them later.

Confession 5 i have lost 10 lbs already relapsing and doing my unhealthy behaviors. Apart of me wants to feel guilty but the ED part of me is so proud and just so addicted to the losing a weight and just encouraging me to stay on track and keep going. Im just ambivalent and just once again stuck at a crossroad that i thought that i had made a decision and chosen a direction already. Truth is, i dont know what i want and i pretend that i do, i pretend that in all put together, i know what i want, and i got my goals and dreams in mind to achieve; but holy fuck i am a wreck and i just want to break down!!!! im tired of being the strong one around here taking care of everyone else which dont take it the wrong one i care for everyone and i dont mind giving advice and being there for them. It just that i feel like i have no support so i turn to my eating disorder which i personified as a female named; Promise. Promise is the one i always turn to for support and thats acting in all the negating behaviors leading to, well you know what…

Confession 6 This is the most challenging, heart breaking, and disappointing things to confess and admit. I really dont want to type this right now. Please, just DM message me because theirs is alot of people who still dont know about this.

Okay, that is all for now ill try to keep updating daily. Sorry i didnt update for the few day i was getting settled in. Pray for me, as i am currently relapsed and fighting for recovery..

EscapingTheCage (Essence)