#im so tired of feeling this lonely this miserable i want to be normal please

[bluesquaress]

[camilacantthink]

Im tired of living.

I have to go to work. I sit at home alone. I never see anyone. Its hard to see myself with a future. It all seems so empty and lonely.

I wish I'd get hit by a car. Or really sick. Something that will ether kill me or almost kill me. I dont actually think I'd get any real concerns. Any real visits or calls. And if i got better I doubt it would stick.

Some days i wonder if i should commit myself. I cant. I dont have health care. I cant afford that. But i'm starting to think about hanging myself again. Starting to think about shooting myself in the head. The visuals of the fall out of both those deaths. What it would make my body look like.

I know its not good. But i cant get it to stop. I miss going out. I miss having days where i'd hang out with friends in person. Where we could talk for hours in person and they wouldnt get sick of me.

I can feel myself shutting down again. I used to have my cat. She needed me. I knew she would be so upset if i was gone and i loved her more than anything. But now shes dead. There isnt much stopping me from wanting me to die anymore.

My mom says I just want to be miserable. That im selfish and self absorbed and cant see how lucky i am. Im so sick of hearing that. Im so sick of having to be greatful im not homeless. Im so sick of having to think others have it worse. I just want this to be over.

I shouldnt be posting this. I doubt anyone will care to read this. But i should have just written this in my journal like a normal person. Im tagging this as personal. People will be told not to read it. Theres a very high likelyhood people will respect my boundries and not read it.

But they might not. Maybe i want them not too. Maybe this is my cry for help. Considering me telling my mom all i can think about sometimes is killing myself and she just got mad at me. Maybe this will make others mad at me too. Or annoyed with an extra layer of emotional burden.

This sucks. I was doing so well.

If one of my friends is reading this, its not about you. Dont feel responsible or like you need to coddle my feelingd please.

[aur0raborealiss]

a bojack horseman type of outburst by a non-religious girl

and i don't feel good about myself and i want to feel good about myself but i don't know how. and call me evil since i want people to be miserable with me because misery loves company, no? who wouldn't want to feel that they are being seen? that they are valid? being comforted? loved despite going through the worst times? who doesn't want to experience care? so sue me if, at some point, i want people to be miserable with me. sue me if i want people to sit with me on our dirty white, marble floor while i pour my heart out. fucking sue me if i want to be held while i fall apart because i've been feeling so so so lonely. and not even my hobbies can fill the void i've been feeling.

and it's so hard to always yearn. i yearn so much i'm a natural to it. i yearn so much to the point i forgot what i'm even yearning for. my mind buried it at the back of my head but i know i have this inexhaustible yearning for tenderness.

maybe kafka was right. maybe im simply unfit for human relationships because perhaps im too much. which is a funny thing to say because i take pride in being too much since i believe to some, perhaps i am but not to another — that they know how to handle with me care or even with stern, gently hands. but god, god knows i yearn to be loved. i yearn to be seen and understood. i am so tired of pretending i can handle life alone. i am so tired pretending i don't seek love because i do seek love. and i am aware of what they say about seeking love: stop and let it find you. but why must there be a shame for seeking love? isn't it a normal thing for humans to seek love? why must we let love find us if we can also try to find it? is it because we believe we're going to fall into a rabbit hole? make bad decisions? aren't all those part of human experiences? you fail at love then you try to find one again, in hopes to find the right one this time. then fail again, then you hope again. it's an endless cycle of failing and loving and grieving and loving and failing and so on and so forth.

but you hold on to that hope. you hold on to that tiny ray of light. even if there's no guarantee you'll find one this time.

i remember what my religion professor said about faith or hope. it is what you call it when you still trust him or the world despite there are doubts. now i am not the most religious person in the world. i have my fair share of mistakes and sins, and i honestly don't know how far my hope will take me, how far my love for the world will make me continue to seek love but with gritted teeth, i will cling to it. despite it having fangs or sharp claws, i will hold onto it tightly. because without it, i would fall into the endless pit of grief. and i'd like to believe that life isn't too late for me.

god, help me get through this. i know i wasn't and am not the best child you have ever had but just let me get through this. help me overcome this grief, this sadness, this magnified yearning that has been following me and perhaps even finding its way to weigh on my shoulders. i would try to recite the novena again. memorize the ten mysteries of the rosary. repeat the holy mary and the hail mary prayer. kneel on a bilao filled with salt, with my eyes blindfolded, i would repent for my sins. try and be a good child again just please, help me. if you are so kind and understanding and loving as what the world depicts you to be then help me. because if this is a punishment, i'd be glad to say it is working. would there be any meaning behind all this? would it achieve something? please tell me there is because i don't know how i would feel if there were none. tell me all this pain is justified. that this isn't simply the consequences of my actions or it is what's supposed to happen because it's written on my pre-determined life. not because it simply happened because that is life.

because if it is nothing of sort like that, then so help me God. apologies for the things i might do.

[vizybs]

//vent

Yknow i kinda think im a bad person whenever i look back on how i ended it with her, how i just like slowly distanced without telling her why but then I remember how she wrote on the public padlet on how we grew apart as friends (at this point i was still talking to her) and im just shocked a bit

Because like every year ive known her i put my everything into our friendship, im always making sure she isnt sad that shes having a good time that she isn’t lonely that she feels special that her feelings are heard that she isnt this this or that and it isnt my responsibility. She never asked me to do those things but you kinda know you have to, but she didnt do those things for me and its just

I dunno, im not mad anymore but im just in like, disbelief, because the moment i stopped putting my all into her suddenly we grew apart and its not like at the time i was suddenly no contact with her, hell i even sat next to her everyday. But the moment i let myself chill and stop giving her 100% suddenly its too much? We arent close?

I guess i just realized that maybe i was putting in so much work while she never really felt like she had to for me. I dunno. Still messed me up sitting down and reading that message right beside her on how we drifted like hello? Im right here you can talk to me?? I was waiting for maybe some kind of lets talk so we could get back on track and stop being so stilted around eachother this was so roundabout and so entirely like, avoidant to pointing at the matter at hand i was just angry and ignored it all.

Theres a thing i realized about how i used to accommodate my friends alot and how it kinda just messed me up? If i put a 100% into you and you dont give me some energy back it was like are we really friends? Its gave me a lot of anxiety issues about friends which is hilarious because now its like people ask me to do stuff w them like hang out and im just like woahhh what the fuuckk when its completely normal its actually driving me insane

Im glad im done playing that game of are we friends or not with her because it has done wonders for my self esteem and confidence.

I have a lot of friends now, i guess putting yourself out there instead of focusing people who seem to only care about you because theyve got no one else who talks to them is awesome and i will continue because i like friends who like me when i do what makes me happy and arent afraid of doing something embarrassing 24/7

i feel kinda guilty because its like ‘wow did i just abandon her for like other ppl’ then i think about how miserable i was trying to people please her all the time just to feel like we were sorta maybe friends and how she made me feel like she was embarrassed to be around me and that all goes away

Im not sure what to say, its wrong to abandon people close to you but it was draining the hell put of me trying to humble myself to fit into her kinda self deprecating choice of life

It’s unfortunate, she really is sweet but she makes me feel like im tired and all i want to do is shut up around her but i always had to keep talking because someone had to try right?

Shes not a bad person, i think that if we recently became friends i would love her. But theres so much history and it still felt like we walked around eachother, it always felt like i had to be careful around her it was uncomfortable. And shes different, very different, its something else.

People grow and change but shes so shy and cautious it makes me feel so wary, especially when she used to be so outgoing and confrontational. Its like shes a new person, i dont know how to feel.

Shes a good person, maybe not so much good for me but ill still wish her luck on future friendships. We arent friends anymore, we dont say hi in hallways or sit together in awkward forced silence and its just how it is.

I think im good now though, like the guilt isnt as bad.

[bokutobaes]

inarizaki boys when you have a bad day

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭ .・.

☆-with: atsumu, suna, kita

☆-!warnings!: swearing, parental issues, parents fighting, (there’s nothing physically violent), illness like the flu

☆-a/n: yall these are longgg LOL sorry

☆- author: lu <3

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭ .・.

☆ atsumu:

-his baby had a bad day :((

-just kidding he didn’t notice at first I’m so sorry nzjsjjsj

-your lockers are nearby so he’s usually waiting for you there first thing in the morning

-you woke up today with a headache and you were just really tired from studying last night :/

-you wanted to suck it up because it was your own fault for leaving the studying until the night before the test you had

-anyways, you were walking up to your locker lowkey trying to avoid eye contact with him

-“hi tsumu :)” u fricken liar with that fake smile

-“morning babe!” atsumu pulled u in for a back hug “i have to get to class kinda early for a test review so i’ll see you at lunch”

-and with that he was pecking your cheek and leaving

-“okay.. kind of good” you thought.. you didn’t wanna worry him or anything so you headed to you first class, math

-hell literally broke loose.. you forgot your pencil case and had to ask like 4 people until you got one which was embarrassing

-AND THEN the teacher called on you for an answer that you didn’t know like the universe

was against you or something

-“uhh... ummm i don’t know..” headass😩

-the class after that was slightly less dehumanizing but it was also japanese class.. the class you had a test in that you just barely studied for

-you did the test and lost braincells, blood sweat and tears LOL

-“okay class these will be graded by lunchtime so please come by to collect your scores before your next class”

-ogey :/ anyways u went to ur next class and before u knew it, it was lunch time.

-a text from atsumu made your phone vibrate while on your way to get your test scores

-“hey babe im actually gonna eat lunch with samu we’re practicing a bit at lunch”

-oh :) ok :) that’s fine :) not like u :) desperately:) need a hug :) right now :)

-“oh okay babe” you text back

-whatever u don’t need him independent queen

-that’s your mindset.. until you get those test scores

-it’s a literal fail .. did not pass the test.. ok..

-“y/n san, these test scores were not your usual best. I’m slightly disappointed, if there’s anything going on please let me know”

-“thank you sensei. i’ll do better next time.

-at this point you were just tying not to cry so you took your test and shouldered your bag and walked to a bench outside for some fresh air.

-right.. you didn’t bring lunch today

-so now you were hungry, tired, defeated, disappointed and lonely :,(

-the last class of your day went by quickly probably because you were zoned out the whole time

-the end of the day came and you were at your locker when your guardian texted you

-“Y/n, you had that test today right? I’m expecting to see the grade when your back home. Didn’t have time to make food tonight so find something to eat on your way home.”

-oh that test ? lol hahaha the one that you failed?! yeah that one haha lol lollll

-so with that, you started your walk home

-“y/n!!”

-fuck. atsumu.

-if you saw him now you knew you wouldn’t be able to hold in your tears and you really didn’t want to cry

-so your solution? pretend you didn’t hear him and walk faster lmfaokdhdh

-but atsumu, being.. well atsumu, decided to just full speed sprint towards you to put his shoulder around you

-“i literally know you heard me. i missed you today sorry about lun- why are you crying ?!!?”

-“bad day” you choked out before a shuddering gasp wracked your chest

-atsumu didn’t say anything he just wrapped you in a tight hug, petting you hair while you cried into his chest

-“its okay babe.. “ :(

-“you wanna come over? we can get food and cuddle”

-you nodded your head taking a shaky breath

-his hand reached out and wiped your tears, brushed your hair behind your ear and kissed your forehead like it was natural to him.

-and so you walked together hand in hand to atsumu’s house where you ate samu’s leftover onigiri and vented to atsumu about the day while you cuddled

-he also gave you a hoodie :,)

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭ .・.

☆ suna:

-“living is a chore :|” you thought as the alarm rang through your room ruining your peaceful sleep

-it was raining outside and your mind went back to last night, the screaming match your parents had

-normally you’d be used to it but it felt like they were starting to take the anger they had for each other out on you now

-you tried not to but you started thinking about all the things your mom had yelled to you through the closed door of your bedroom

-“your just like your father. you’re selfish, lazy and all you do is run around with that little boyfriend of yours! what about your family?! you think your better then us? why don’t you move out then since your so good at being independent?!”

-everything she said was always completely blown out of proportion, she lied all the time. it’s exhausting for you

-you started getting ready for school, you wanted to see suna and your friends and laugh and just forget last night even happened

-when you got to school suna was there at your locker scrolling lazily through his phone

-you smiled, genuinely as he looked up and greeted you with a smirk

-“nice hair.”

-“wha-“ you started and then smacked his arm when you realized that your baby hairs were out of sorts “shutup” you scowled

-“good morning” suna hugged you

-“good morning”

-now you were off to class, it always went by too fast, you thought. school was always done in the blink of an eye

-“what’re you doing at lunch?” your friend tapped your shoulder and whispered to you

-“mmm nothing probably why?”

-“let’s eat on the roof today! yui told me there’s gonna be a rainbow cuz it stopped raining.”

-“okay” you smiled

-now at lunch with your friends you ate the bento you had packed before. the rainbow was there and it was beautiful

-you were having fun just laughing with your friends and texting suna while he sent terrible photos of atsumu. things were good, you had forgotten about your mom

-until the end of the day came and you had to go back home

-as usual suna was at his locker waiting so that you could walk home together

-after crossing the street you and suna were at a bike path, trees surrounding the fences

-it was a comfortable silence until...

-“what’s wrong?”

-suna asking took you by surprise, you didn’t think you were acting any different. were you?

-“what are you talking about”

-“you look sad, you did this morning too but then you were fine the rest of the day so I didn’t say anything. but, you look sad again now”

-“oh..”

-so suna just saw right through you

-“ um.. i’m okay.. it’s just ..” you laughed dryly “i don’t really want to go home”

-“did something happen?”

-“yeah.. my parents were fighting, it turned into this whole thing.” you felt a lump in your throat start to form “i don’t really wanna talk about it”

-“okay. you should just come over then, right?”

-“can i?”

-“you literally don’t even have to ask me anymore y/n” suna grabbed your hand and led the way

-when you got there suna hopped on his couch and started putting on something from netflix

-“my parents aren’t home, my sister has a dance thing today” he grabbed a blanket and you sat down, putting your head in his lap

-suna put on a comedy show, of course he would

-he played with your hair while you watched and after an episode or two, he asked

-“do you want to talk about it now?”

-and so you did, you told him what happened last night and what your mom said. your plan was to not cry but that failed miserably

-suna listened intently, he told you the truth, he said that what she said wasn’t true, he told you you could sleepover whenever you needed to.

-kissed you and wrapped you back in the blanket

-“i love you, you know that right? always.”

-he always knew what to say and you loved him for that

-“i love you too, suna”

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭ .・.

☆ kita:

-kita knew, first thing he noticed when he saw you that you weren’t okay

-you woke up with a terrible headache, aching body and stomachache

-so this is it? this is hell? ok.

-but the test.. you had a test today. fortunately you had actually studied for weeks because you knew it was important

-mentally? you were ready for that test. physically? you had the spanish influenza

-so you weighed the options and decided you would go to school, take the test and then come back home after.

-the problem with that was that kita would in fact lecture you on all the reasons you should not have come to school

-he was right of course, but you still decided that you would need to avoid him for today

-spoiler alert it did not work

-your test was your third class of the day so you only had to get through 2 classes and you’d leave at lunch perfectly avoiding kita

-this was what you thought while you were at your locker until you closed it and walked directly into kitas chest

-“wow”

-“good morning y/n-chan”

-“morning kita! i have to go or I’ll be late!”

-you ran😭 and you almost got away too but kita grabbed your arm and pulled you to one side of the hallway

-he felt your forehead and both cheeks

-“you have a fever y/n”

-“no I don’t I’m just hot from walking to school”

-he said 😐

-you signed and rested your head on his chest letting your arms dangle

-“why did you come? you look sick”

-“thanks. I have a test.”

-“how do you feel?”

-you told him your symptoms but also that you were leaving right after the test and you could pull through

-he really didn’t want you to overwork yourself but he knew you were set on taking the test

-so he let you go and he made you promise to text him between classes and let him know if you felt any worse

-and off you went

-honestly, you were fine up until halfway through your second class.. then you started feeling really cold and tired even kind of nauseous

-then in the third class your test was put onto your desk and before you knew it your teacher was saying “begin”

-okay. you can do this you thought to yourself. the test was easy enough with how much you studied, you thought about every answer and you tried to finish quick

-but then it was like time cut itself in half and the bell for lunch was ringing

-you weren’t even done the test yet

-“y/n you can stay in here until your done but i expect you to have it finished soon”

-one question left

-you don’t even remember what you ended up putting before you were up and giving the paper to your teacher

-kita was right there when you left the classroom

-“hey ..hey.. y/n”

-you could barely hear him you just flopped into his arms

-“okay I’m taking you home.. “

-“but..”

-“shh let’s go”

-you don’t remember getting there but then you were in your bed smothered in pillows and blankets

-kita came in

-“what time is it?”

-he looked at his phone “half past 4”

-“4?!” you jolted up “did you even go back to school?” “kita?!”

-he smiled at you “no but it’s okay y/n it was only one day. i wanted to take care of you

-you noticed he had a steaming cup of something in his hands

-“what’s that” you asked

-“its tea, but it’s special tea :)”

-“what do you mean” you laughed

-“my grandma showed me how to make it, it’s gonna make you feel a lot better”

-he’s so cute...

-“kita... you didn’t have to do all this”

-“i wanted to” he sits beside you and hands you the tea

-literally tasted like heaven

-“mmmmm oh my god”

-kita laughed and kissed you on the cheek before joining you in the bed

-you cuddled and watched movies on your laptop until you fell asleep, comfortable in your boyfriends arms

[fanfic-scribbles]

Smile

Fandom: MCU Captain America/Avengers

Summary: Bucky gives you some reasons to smile.

Quick facts: Romance – Bucky Barnes/Reader – Female Reader

Warnings: Fluff, puns, cheesy jokes, so cheesy

Words: 3344

A/N: I’m going to admit it upfront, about 40 percent of the time spent on this fic was spent on writing it. The other 60 percent was spent on finding the jokes. Also, this story is semi-inspired by the fact that my face is not nearly as expressive as it feels (I basically look like the polite cat meme when I really try and I can’t do it for long before my face hurts too much) so this goes out to other people who get accused of resting bitch/asshole face. And get written up for it. Anyway, please enjoy this goofy little Bucky/Reader get together.

  ~

‘How do you make a tissue dance?’

‘Put a little boogie in it.’

Bucky snorts and coughs when he accidentally breathes coffee instead of air. ‘That’s disgusting,’ he texts back but Sam just replies with an obnoxious smiling face. Bucky shakes his head and goes back to his coffee. It’s actually not so terrible today.

He doesn’t hang out in a dive, but this coffee shop is a type of quiet he almost never sees in the city. It’s too far from the tourism path for convenience and just outside the neighborhood purview where there are many other local (better) favorites. It’s clean enough and decently sized, but it’s decorated like it was supposed to be trendy ten years ago and the place is barely staffed, to match its perpetually nigh-empty interior. There was a short-lived attempt at hiring another person, but after a ridiculous amount of turnover the owners, or whoever, apparently cut their losses and the only constants that remain are Bucky, the lone customer, you, the person actually working the counter, and your manager.

You’re nice. You always speak kindly to Bucky and, when you think you can sneak it, upsize his cup without comment or charge. Also, one time when his glove broke and slipped off, you hadn’t even commented on the arm; you’d even helped him stop panicking enough to see it hadn’t gone far and helped secure it temporarily with a rubber band.

Your manager, meanwhile, is a dick who glares at Bucky and once made a snide comment about him leaning too close to the register, and only talks to you in demanding barks. Like now– but the five minute “hushed” conversation is winding down and soon it will be safe for Bucky to go get his refill.

“I’m writing you up,” the manager says.

You jerk back in shock. “For not smiling enough?”

“It’s what we got marked down for, it’s what’s going on your record,” he says, turns on his heel, and retreats into the back to do jack shit. Bucky glares at his back as he goes. His harsh expression turns to a milder frown when he looks at you, hunched over and staring at the counter with a dead expression on your face.

He looks at his phone, looks at his empty coffee cup, and makes a quick decision.

“Can I get a refill?” he asks when he’s in front of you, startling you out of your stagnant misery. You look up at Bucky and after a second force an unnatural smile on your face. He winces on your behalf.

“Of course,” you say softly, and turn to refill the cup.

When you hand it back to him Bucky shuffles, hesitates, but finally asks, “Why are colds bad criminals?”

You blink. “Uh…why?”

“Because they’re easy to catch.”

You blink again, and then let out a startled laugh. Bucky smiles slightly at the sound, and smiles more at the more natural, smaller turn of your lips as you say, “That’s…that’s a good one.”

“It’s pretty terrible.”

“All the best ones are,” you say, and the door chimes making Bucky break away. But as he watches you talk to the delivery man like normal he nods to himself. He leaves with his coffee to start the day and fires a quick text to Sam: ‘Where do you get your dumb jokes?’

~

The next day when the door chimes and you see your one regular customer, you let yourself smile a lot more naturally than you have been. Your face is starting to hurt and your boss is probably napping in the back, so you take the chance to relax.

“Hi,” you say. “The usual?”

“Please,” he says, polite as ever as he hands you exact change and you go to fix his cup. When you bring it back he asks, “What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?”

“What?”

“Dam.”

You giggle despite yourself. Bucky’s smile is small and guarded, but you haven’t had a moment yet where you haven’t been grateful to see it. Maybe this ‘smiling’ business is all it’s cracked up to be. If only it didn’t hurt your cheeks so much.

But as he tips his cup to you and goes to his favorite corner, you find you don’t mind the ache as much.

~

Every time he comes in now, he brings a new joke.

“What do you call a fake noodle?”

“An im-pasta.”

“What does a clock do when it’s hungry?”

“It goes back four seconds.”

“Why did the bike fall over?”

“It was two tired.”

The delivery is fairly flat but there’s always at least the hint of a smile and, you don’t know, it might be his absolute seriousness that sells it, because every one of them raises your spirits. You don’t know why he’s suddenly telling you jokes. For anyone else you might think they’re flirting, but you don’t get that impression here. He’s handsome, always looks put-together in quality clothes even if they seem picked for comfort over anything else, and even before this he has always been unfailingly polite. If he wants someone, he has to have someone just as lovely. Right?

You can’t help but think about it even after he comes back. And the wonderfully terrible jokes, thankfully, don’t stop.

“Why did the mushroom go to the party?”

You keep pouring the coffee while you ponder an answer. “I don’t know,” you decide and lift your head as you hand Bucky his drink.

The way he smiles is very fetching– not quite a smirk, it’s a little too unsure for that, but it tilts up to the side and gives him a boyish charm that would make anyone weak in the knees. “Because he was a fungi.”

It makes a smile big enough for you to feel, but considering how self-conscious you are now you quickly tell him, “I liked that.”

“I know,” he says. “You smiled.”

“You can tell?” Maybe you aren’t as bad off as you thought. Or maybe he’s just being nice. But he seems honest, and he nods decisively.

“I get not being the most…expressive.” He shrugs. “But anyone can still see it, if they look.”

The implication that he cares enough to look stuns you both to silence. He ducks his head shyly and lifts his coffee cup in thanks before retreating to his corner. When you finally have working vocal cords again you say, “Have a nice day.” It might be the first time you’ve ever really meant it.

~

“What’s the opposite of coffee?”

Bucky’s eyes widen and narrow in quick succession as he goes from surprise to contemplation. He weighs your question with all the dramatic seriousness you could hope for before he says, “I don’t know. What is the opposite of coffee?”

You grin when you say, “Sneezy.”

His smile is bright and he nods his head. “Not bad, not bad.” He leans on the counter, looking more relaxed than you’ve ever seen him. It’s…shockingly warming. You have to remind yourself not to get too close. He showed up out of the blue and he can be gone just as quickly. Just because he’s nice doesn’t mean he has any attachment here. In fact, you hope he doesn’t– you’d question his sanity otherwise. “Why did Mozart hate chickens?”

“I don’t know,” you say, eager to hear the answer.

“Because when he asked them for their favorite composer, they said, “Bach! Bach! Bach!’”

You laugh– that is, of course, when your supervisor pokes his head out of the back and scowls at you. He should be happy that you’re ‘smiling enough’ but you know full well anything you do is never going to be good. You freeze whatever expression is on your face as Bucky’s mood darkens and your heart sinks. “Enjoy your coffee,” you say, infusing meaning into every word. That ekes out a small imitation of a smile as Bucky raises his cup and goes to his seat.

Your supervisor starts to stalk over to you but you are saved by the sudden ringing of a phone, and he blessedly turns on his heel and goes to answer.

You sigh and start cleaning up the counter. Bucky is in his corner, hunched over and quiet as usual. He looks fine, but you feel bad for the interruption, even though you get the impression he understands. Still, this is one nice thing you’ve had in this otherwise miserable job and you’re not going to lose yet one more good person to your superior’s shitty attitude.

You push out a roll of receipt paper, scribble ‘Why did the espresso keep checking his watch?’ on it, and stick it in your apron. You walk over to wipe down an untouched table and, before heading back, make a little detour to drop it next to Bucky’s arm. He grabs the paper as you’re scooting away (plausible deniability in case your boss comes out) but it isn’t until you’re back behind the counter that you realize what that just looked like. Does he think you just dropped your number? He hasn’t opened it yet. Is he trying to figure out a way to let you down? You suddenly regret playing into this so much; he was just trying to be nice, he probably didn’t expect you to latch onto it so–

He opens the paper, reads it, and shoots you a little smirk. You breathe a sigh of relief and mindlessly wipe things down and rearrange well-organized creamers and straws until Bucky comes up for his customary pre-leaving refill. You’re a little disheartened it’s that time already, but it means you’re that much closer to the end of your shift, at least.

“Why?” Bucky asks quietly. It takes you a second before you remember the receipt paper and you surreptitiously check the back to see the door is closed.

“Because he was pressed for time,” you say quietly as you hand back his cup.

He chuckles. “I like it,” he says and takes a sip. “Thanks,” he adds as expected, but then he winks and you…you just stare at him as he leaves.

Should you have dropped your number?

~

A few days later, Bucky is caught off his guard and pays for it.

“What’s this?”

Bucky doesn’t get to his coffee cup fast enough and Sam snatches it and reads. “Sam,” Bucky grumbles but there it is, Sam’s eyes go wide and he turns that stare on Bucky. “Don’t look at me like that,” Bucky snaps and snatches his drink back.

“You’ve been using my jokes to hit on a dorky barista?” Sam asks and follows him across the room.

“I’ve been using jokes from the site you steal yours from to share with the nice woman who makes my coffee,” Bucky says and sits in a chair. He never stays for Sam’s group VA sessions and he should have left sooner, damn it. “I wouldn’t use yours. They’re gross.”

“Potentially inappropriate for a lady,” Sam says. Bucky opens his mouth to argue but, no, that’s exactly it, even though Sam’s tone implies something completely different from what Bucky would have said. “What’s her name?”

“Bucky?”

Steve has never been more of an actual hero to Bucky than he is right now. Right on time to walk back home with Bucky, Steve wanders in, sees the two of them, and stops. “Oh, should I…”

“Let’s g–” Bucky is immediately stopped by Sam’s hand on his shoulder.

“Bucky’s got his eyes on someone,” Sam says, immediately centering himself as Bucky’s most hated arch-nemesis.

…Okay, maybe not, but if Bucky didn’t have real problems he would be.

“I do not,” Bucky grumbles, because he knows it’s pointless and Steve is immediately sitting in front of them and leaning in like he’s the last girl at the sleepover.

“Really Buck? That’s great!” Steve says. “Have you…are you going to make a move?”

“No,” Bucky says and quickly runs down the situation, hoping that it will clear things up but knowing his friends too well. Indeed, Sam and Steve share smirks before looking at him again.

“You’re a real hero,” Sam says, only partly joking.

“I hate you,” Bucky says, ducking his head down. He doesn’t really blush anymore, if he ever did, but the motion is instinctive.

“You don’t.”

“I wish I did.”

Steve grins, as does Sam, and Bucky wants to duck into a hole. Goddamn mother hens, they’re going to want to–

“Should we come by?” Sam asks and leans back in his chair. “Be real wingmen?”

“No,” Bucky says, harsher than he means to. Sam and Steve don’t look bothered– they’ve weathered worse emotional snaps than that– but they wait for him to explain and Bucky doesn’t know if he can. Because what if this is leading to something? Is he ready for that? He thinks he might like you, but would he be okay putting in the effort of getting to know you? What if he can’t handle it? What if Steve and Sam walk in and they’re all you see? Both of them are plenty distracting, and charming, while Bucky can hardly put one foot in front of the other, some days. And what if this isn’t leading to anything, you’re just nice, and it’s nice, but Sam and Steve find out and look at him with all the pity they can muster?

“I just…want to see it through. On my own. Whatever this is.” ‘Or could be’ he leaves unspoken, because hoping for anything still feels like too much.

“Okay,” Sam says first, because of course he does, but Steve nods along quickly. It’s enough to make Bucky exhale deeply and relax muscles he didn’t know he had tensed. He rolls his eyes and stands up to cover for it.

“You’ll keep us updated though, right?” Sam asks, an easy grin on his face as he lounges in the chair.

“Like I’ll be able to avoid it,” Bucky mutters, finishes his drink, and lets Sam know they’re okay by throwing the empty cup at his head.

~

The fact that you’re running out of coffee-related jokes is stressing you out. You wanted to keep on theme but too many more days of this and you’ll be scouring the internet for whatever jokes Bucky hasn’t used yet. There are some coffee-related puns, but…the ones you like carry a romantic hint to them, and you were hoping to save those in case Bucky showed any interest. So far you haven’t picked up on anything, but you’re also very oblivious, and your roommate thinks you’re an idiot and he’s obviously into you.

But he might not be.

You do what you’ve been doing since your boss snarked at you about flirting on the clock and get Bucky’s cup ready with maybe your favorite joke.

‘How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.’

And smile proudly at it. Your small handwriting is getting better– Bucky barely has to squint at it this time, and he gives you a conspirator’s smile when he slides his twenty-dollar bill across the counter at you, with the neatest print writing along the margins.

‘What do you call an alligator detective?

An investi-gator.’

It’s cute and you snicker to yourself as you gather his change and place it gently in his gloved hand. He doesn’t retreat to his corner right away, though, and shuffles in place. “I was…I just wanted to say…” But then his eyes glance to your side and his face freezes in an unfortunately familiar way. “Thank you for the coffee,” he says woodenly and raises his cup just so.

“Of course. Have a nice day,” you say as robotically as possible and watch him go. Your supervisor clears his throat pointedly and you pretend like the place isn’t as clean as it was since the last time you went around. But now you’re thinking. About how awkward Bucky looked, and how he mentioned wanting to say something…maybe…maybe he is open. To you. Potentially.

Tomorrow, you decide with a thrill of nauseating adrenaline. Tomorrow you’re going to bring it up.

~

The next day you arrive at the shop at your usual time in the pre-dawn cold only to find an extra padlock on the door and a note in the window.

You stare, dumbfounded, and read the note. You read it again. And again.

‘Out of Business.’

But nobody called you.

You immediately grab your phone and dial your supervisor’s number. When he doesn’t pick up you call it again because this cannot be real. The job was shit but it was a job, and you knew what to expect, and you’ll never see Bucky again, will you?

It takes almost half an hour for the asshole to pick up– or maybe more, as the sun is starting to show up– and upon answering, he snaps, “What?!”

“What happened?” you ask, just as unkindly.

Your boss grumbles unintelligibly but you wait. “Did you see the sign?”

“I was working yesterday; no one mentioned anything about this.”

“Corporate called last night.” He yawns loudly. “I tried to call you.”

That’s a lie if you’ve ever heard one, but your tongue gets tripped up in anger and he says, “Sorry but there’s no room at the other branches for you, your last check is in the mail,” and hangs up.

You stand there for a while, trying to blink away tears at the sudden upheaval of your life. You should have found a replacement job while you had a chance. You should have asked your co-workers where they were going. You should have given Bucky your number.

You stand there for a little while, debating spending money you shouldn’t on a nice breakfast to wallow in, when the sound of footsteps coming up behind you makes you turn around.

“Oh, Bucky,” you say and rub your face. You think you’ve managed to hold it in, but it’s chilly and any exposed skin feels frozen.

“What’s going on?” he asks and peers around you at the note.

“Um…” You gesture uselessly. “Apparently this location is no longer in business. Just found out.”

Bucky’s jaw drops. “That asshole didn’t even call you?!”

The amount of anger on your behalf startles you. Startles both of you, actually, but just as he’s about to say something you laugh and say, “At least that asshole isn’t my problem anymore.” You sigh. You have savings, and the other job, and there’s always some other crappy job waiting for someone like you. But there’s something here that won’t be, and you pull out your phone and start typing. “Um…Bucky…there’s something I wanted to say to you. But it’s hard to say.”

“Okay?” he asks. You squeeze your eyes tight, brace yourself for impending rejection, and hold out your phone.

‘I like you a latte,’ followed by your phone number, hopefully gets the point across. After a few seconds your phone buzzes and you jump and bring it back, hoping no one texted you anything terrible while Bucky was staring at your phone.

It’s a new number, and the text reads, ‘It’s hard to espresso my feelings for you.’

You look up at him and he’s smiling, mouth parted slightly, and you start smiling so hard your cheeks hurt. But it’s okay. “I only had two more coffee jokes left before that line,” you confess and save his name to his number.

“Maybe you can tell them to me over breakfast? My treat,” he says and extends his arm.

You don’t even have to think about it. “Your treat this time,” you say, and link your arm with his. “In return, I’m going to show you where to get some good coffee.”

“Oh I don’t know,” he smirks at you. “The last place had its perks.”

Lacking a good comeback, you push your face into his shoulder to muffle your laughter. He leans into you, and doesn’t pull away even when you’ve gotten under control.

It’s the beginning of a brew-tiful relationship.

[blackwaxidol]

if i delete or kill myself it will be unnoticed this is inarguable fact this is inarguable inarguable you have no means of contradicting it fact i am the lonheliest creature alive right now and i keep asking myself if i am overreacting but i dont even remember the last time i talked to someone or if i did did not represnit

im scared paranoid or angry out of my mind i cant tell. i have ruined everything i have annoyed everyone or at least ifyou are going to berate me about my language at least listen it FEELS this way i feel so so so so lonely it makes me cry i cant react in conversations slike a normal human being incant be atraightforward i cant be not-straightforward because thej nobody listens and he gets mad about it and i hate him and we argue over it and i dont want to live like this. i dont want to live like this! i have nothing or at least i feel that way and i dont know i am strangled at trying to say anything else because he keeps interjecting with such vitriol saying 'dont repeat yourself youve already said it if anyone cared'. why is he so fucking awful. i dont want this. i dont want to sit here crying my fucking eyesnout either. i know i will just have an episode feel fucking stupid and wake up feeling worse and start cryingnagain. i dont know whats wrong with me. please if you feel this way go to therapy before you end up like this just tell a doctor whats wrong. this is so miserable and humiliating and im so fucking embarrassed to be alive.

i have these moments of clarity like maybe right now slightly where i feel normal for a second and i feel rational and like actually it's not awful it's not the end of the world and i can resolve this so i feel normal and happy but it never lasts long enough for me to put into motion writing it all out and fixing it and then i just have these broken pieces of dialogue i don't know what to do with and sometimes i try to resolve it when i'm not able to think clearly and that's the worst thing i can ever do because it all gets worse like it is now i just feel like an idiot.

im sorry. this post is everywhere and nowhere its all over the place with emotion and legibility and how collected i am i just feel better writing it out in one as i feel it and then forgetting it ever happened. i feel better saying it now but it dont think it will last because it never lasts. i dont even remember what or who i was at the start of this post and i dont know if its more disingenuous to try clarifying hat at the start or not. whatever. its my blog and you chose to click readmore. sorry for all of this. im just not very well again and i dont even know how to remove myself from whatever is triggering this right now. i had a hopeful thought of fixing this but i forgot it immediately. im just tired and fear grimacing.

[cartoonfangirl1218]

I liked your ava post, do you have more aboout usm. The WHOle usm team?

I can’t say I have many many hcs but I’ll give you where I think they might end up after SHIELD, and two songs that fit them if that works. 

Peter: I don't know why but I feel like Peter would want to look for his parents once he leaves SHIELD and while doing so, he ends up in a lot of team ups and building up more of his rogues gallery. Basically I imagine stuff from the comic with spider clones, dating MJ, briefly rejoins the Avengers then leaves. Yeah I don't have much for him since comic history leaves people to choose what they want. Imagine Dragon's Beliver because he does have such a heavy pain inside, but that's the thing, he keeps it inside until he snaps them into his fight for justice. "First things first, I'ma say all the words inside my head. I'm fired up and tired of the way that things have been, The way that things have been.Second thing second, Don't you tell me what you think that I could be. I'm the one at the sail, I'm the master of my sea...Taking my message from the veins. Speaking my lesson from the brain. Seeing the beauty through the pain!"

Danny: I'd like to think that he stays in NY to start Heroes for Hire with Luke as soon as they leave SHIELD. They're bros, and he justifies the absence that New York needs Iron Fist more than K'Lun for the moment. He also tries his hand at getting Rand Industries back on track. I also think he does return to K'Lun eventually as King and mystical head. After his work at Rand Industries, he feels more confident as a leader and is willing to stand up to the monks when it comes with changing some of the old ways. Allowing him to travel back to NY to see his friends while keeping the mystical origins of K'Lun sacred. I think Nature Boy rather fits him, soft and melodious and Danny learning he is not alone sort of. "There was a boy. A very strange enchanted boyThey say he wandered very far..Very far over land and sea. A little shy and sad of eye. But very wise, was he."  Les Miserables’ Who am I mainly because I imagine Danny has some identity issues between feeling worthy of the Iron Fist, feeling torn between the US and K'Lun. Ideally, he would end up learning being one does not give up the other part of himself. As one would say they can coexist in a balance. "Who am I? Can I conceal myself forever more.. Pretend I’m not the man I was before?....How can I ever face my fellow men? How can I ever face myself again?"

Luke: As said above, with Danny, when they leave SHIELD, they create Heroes for Hire, they ride or die forever.  Together they clean up their part of New York and Luke comes to terms with some of his past and the people he dealt with in jail. He also meets Jessica Jones during this time and she becomes his new partner (in more ways than one) when Danny leaves for K'Lun. He sometimes does freelance work for SHIELD, mainly at the behest of his parents, sometimes as a favor to Fury. He also sometimes comes by the Helicarrier to be a surprise mentor to whatever new hero they pick up. He is the main instigator of team reunions.

Adam Levine’s If I got locked away totally fits him after the time he spent in jail and scared of being seen as weak, it really fits him and his insecurities. "If I got locked away And we lost it all today. Tell me honestly, would you still love me the same? If I showed you my flaws. If I couldn't be strong. Tell me honestly, would you still love me the same?" One call away also fits him simply for his caring nature and how he'll do anything for his friends, "I'm only one call away. I'll be there to save the daySuperman got nothing on me. I'm only one call away/ Call me, baby, if you need a friend. I just wanna give you love...No matter where you go, know you're not alone. I'm only one call away."

Ava: I think once Ava leaves SHIElD, she has some trouble with the amulet whether form being on her own, knowing SHIELD isn't there watching her every move or just cockiness that she can handle it now. Either way, I see her as  taking a break from the amulet. Reasoning her father wanted her to keep it safe, it didn't mean she had to put it on and be a hero. Ideally, she goes to therapy to work through all these issues before ever putting it on again. I imagine she goes home to PR too. I think she could go into bounty hunting, it's more freelance, she helps put baddies away and she can put her investigative skills to good use. Eventually she'd be White Tiger again but for more superpowered threats than every day patrolling. Just breathe from In the Heights not only for the spanish influences but also the utter fear of returning a failure, "Straighten the spine. Smile for the neighbors. Everything's fine, everything's cool. The standard reply: Lots of tests, lots of papers. Smile, wave goodbye and pray to the sky, "Oh God!" And what will my parents say? Can I go in there and say, "I know I'm letting you down..."  Alyssa Greene from The Prom. The lyrics speak for themselves of the utter perfectionism and drive, "The hair has to be perfect. The As have to be straight...Trophies have to be first place. Ribbons have to be blue. There's always some competition or hoops for jumping through. Just have everything perfected by the time you reach eighteen" 

Sam: Admittedly I don't know much about Nova lore or backstory as the others but I think he'll go back to space. Not necessarily as part of the Guardians because honestly I think they had enough members without him. Maybe as a solo act before he finds the other Nova Corps. I definitely see him as becoming a trainer there, finally being the leader he always wanted to be. I also want him to reconnect with his family so he does travel back to Earth to visit them and then swoops by NY for some reunion with his old team before heading back to space. 

Bieber’s Lonely fits Sam because at the heart of it all, I think that's what he is. Lonely, he's still young and trying to navigate these powers and his place in the world and space and what his identity is. And no one else can quite get that. "Everybody knows my name now. But somethin' 'bout it still feels strangeLike lookin' in a mirror, tryna steady yourself and seein' somebody else. And everything is not the same now. It feels like all our lives have changed Maybe when I'm older, it'll all calm down. But it's killin' me now. What if you had it all, nut nobody to call? Maybe then you'd know me 'cause I've had everything. But no one's listening and that's just f- lonely." Shawn Mendes' Wonder works for similar reasons. Mainly I imagine him singing it to his missing father who inherited so much but knows nothing personally about him, "I wonder why I'm so afraid of saying something wrong, I never said I was a saint. I wonder, when I cry into my hands. I'm conditioned to feel like it makes me less of a man and I wonder if someday you'll be by my side and tell me that the world will end up alright. I wonder..I wonder."  And then a party song for each 

Sam: All I do is win by DJ Khaled "All I do is win, win, win no matter what. Got money on my mind, I can never get enough ('Nough) And every time I step up in the building Everybody hands go up And they stay there And they stay there, up, down, up, down, up, down 'Cause all I do is win (Win), win (Win), win And if you going in put your hands in the air, make 'em stay there" 

Luke: Finesse by Bruno Mars, "We out here drippin' in finesseIt don't make no sense Out here drippin' in finesse You know it, you know it We out here drippin' in finesse It don't make no sense Out here drippin' in finesse You know it, you know it" 

Peter: Another one bites the dust by Queen "nother one bites the dustAnother one bites the dust And another one gone and another one gone Another one bites the dust Hey I'm gonna get you too Another one bites the dust"

Danny: Normally, I don't think Danny would be into party music, too much cursing, too much noise to distort the mind, that stuff. But Rihanna is catchy. "I wanna take you away, let's escape into the music, DJ, let it playI just can't refuse it, like the way you do this Keep on rockin' to it Please don't stop the, please don't stop the music I wanna take you away, let's escape into the music, DJ, let it play I just can't refuse it, like the way you do this Keep on rockin' to it Please don't stop the, please don't stop the, please don't stop the music" 

Ava: Woman by Ke$ha "I'm a motherfucking woman, baby, alright I don't need a man to be holding me too tight I'm a motherfucking woman, baby, that's right I'm just having fun with my ladies here tonight I'm a motherfucker"  This other cool blog is much more into USM and has tons of hcs if you want more of this stuff, @im-rewriting-ultimate-spider-man

[rainingspellforlove]

falling again.

Tell me once again, tell me you love me like, you did that day.

 I couldn't believe it, everything about you was like looking in the mirror, we were so much alike. 

 But your lips that had spoken of love, don't say a word like they're locked shut, I can't understand with my heart, why you said you loved me. 

 But now you're trying to run away 

                                                                              Baekhyun - Love Again

The continuation of shouldnt have. 

It's been three months since then. Hyukjae been living well in Tokyo. He did his best to overcome his broken state. He did many things there and it really helped him a lot. He did yoga class, worked out his body, studied new languanges, even composing some new songs. for these three months, he already recovered well and he can back to his normal bubbly self again.

Hyukjae decides to come back to korea after feeling well. In a sunny sunday morning, hyukjae finnaly arrived at south korea. He walked alone with lot of luggagges with his mask on. Then he saw one familiar face to pick him up,

"Lee hyukjaeee"

"Hyunggggg"

Leeteuk comes to pick him up because he promises to grab a meal together later in a seafood restaurant..

"How are you hyukjae? Feeling better?"

"Eung of coursee hyung. I cant wait for our comeback finally"

"Of course we will have best of the best for this comeback. Lets work hard okay"

"Sure"

Then they enjoy talking to each other about how hyukjae's life in tokyo and how about the members doing while he was gone. They were doing pretty well with their individual schedule as well.

"Uhm so how was him? Is he doing pretty good these days?"

"You dont contact him at all?"

"Nope hahahaha"

"You really want to get rid of him huh?"

"Not to that extend lol he did messaged me sometimes, for the first week i went to japan, he texted me a lot like "what should i do" "im sorry" "i'll do everything for you to forgive me" "please" he did it so many times until 5 days maybe? Then i replied at the 6th day , i said "im okay. Youre not at fault. Just live your life as usual okay? Im fine here dont worry. " 

"I thought you blocked him lol"

"No way i cant block him we're still gonna work together right"

"Wah our pro-idol lee hyukjae. Amazing im proud of you. "

"Nothing's to be proud of. So how's he been?"

"Nothing special because we didnt meet him often bcs of our individual schedule"

"Oh then?"

"But i already met him few times actually asking him for a meal together, he wasnt like himself either i think. His soul is like leaving his body lol"

" He's not that lonely right if i left him like that? He already had a lover anyway"

"I dont know either. maybe you both need to talk it out, dont you feel it to try to talk to him?"

"Yeah ive been thinking about this too hyung. Maybe i will talk it out with him later"

"Good then"

After getting a meal with leeteuk, hyukjae comes back to the dorm with the help of leeteuk to bring his lugagges. And when he opened the door,

"Suprisseeee welcome back uri myeolchii"

Turned out the members already prepared the welcome back surprises with many foods and confettis.

"Oh my goddd guyss hahahahhaa"

"Welcome back uri hyukjaee, lets eat together!!!" Shindong said

"Yesss lets celebrate!" leeteuk finally said

Then they eat happily and tell so many funny stories like they always did.

"How is it at tokyo?" kyuhyun asked

"It's fun of course i did many stuffs there to clear my mind"

"Im glad you're feeling well right now.. we're so worried about you really. You should think less and dont overthink too much okay? You have us to lean on man!" yesung said

"yeah, we can help you anytime bro just tell us about anything" ryeowook said

"Of course i will haha im totally fine right now really!!"

Actually there's donghae too there who's been just smiled blandly at the situation. Fortunately bcs of this crowded condition, no one realized that donghae havent talked a single word to hyukjae yet. Then some times after they had fun and ate well, the members starts to go home one by one. There's leeteuk and donghae left , ofcourse with kyuhyun and hyukjae too.

so hyukjae  cleaned the dishes first and the rest of them cleaned the main room. When hyukjae washes the dishes, donghae actually comes to him and helps him cleaning the dishes

There's like silent in them for like few seconds.

"So, how have you been?" Hyukjae starts off the convo

"Nothing much it's just the same. You?"

"Yeah i did many stuffs there"

"Oh... im glad then"

Then silence again..

"Uhm, i- apologize for-"

"Nah it's not a thing for you to apologize anyway. Im totally fine"

"but im not..."

Silence again....

"Why? It's not that youre lonely without me right?" Hyukjae jokes

"hm maybe?" They laugh softly

Then hyukjae tried to ask something.

"How's thing with her?"

Donghae feels a bit flustered..

"yeah we're fine" said donghae plainly

"Good then"  hyukjae smiled

"I miss you" finally donghae said it

"I miss you too.. lets work hard more for our comeback soon. Lets just get back like we used to be okay?" but hyukjae not acting like he’s flustered. he acts cool

"Uhm sure.. "

Then hyukjae was about to go to the main room then donghae said

"im sorry.. lemme just say.. ehm- dont cry again hyukjae."

"sure i wont" hyukjae left and smiled after that..

flashback

The day after hyukjae went to japan, donghae was like a soulless man. He ignored all of the calls and messages in his phone. He just wants to talk to hyukjae. He wants to meet him rightaway but he cant. He cant disobey leeteuk because he always obedient to all leeteuk's words. He resisted himself and stayed at his house for almost a week. He ignored all of the messages and phone calls. He just wanted to see hyukjae's reply. But he didnt reply at all. He didnt answer his calls either.. donghae was really like a zombie.. then hyukjae suddenly replied to his messages in the 6th day. Donghae was startled like hell. Then he replied.

"it hurts to see you cry dont cry again.... im so sorry. I dont know what should i do... dont hate me...please.... im so sorry"

But then of course hyukjae didnt reply him again.

Actually donghae became so confused after hyukjae left. He thinks about him a lot. He thinks how hyukjae acts around him this whole time. He just realized this whole time, hyukjae must be suffered to hide this feeling alone. When he's the one being so touchy and stuffs....

He didnt know either why he feels so hurting while he's the one who hurts his friend. He hates being left especially when his important person who did it to him. He feels so confused after hyukjae left. He didnt know what happened to his mind recently. He cant think of anything. His mind was full of hyukjae. especially the kiss he gave that night. 

It feels like he poured all of his feelings to it.. but it was the most heartbreaking kiss that he ever felt. the tears that fallen in his cheeks. and his warm lips that melts into his. 

he hates to acknowledge this but he wants to feel it again... but not after feeling like this.   he missed hyukjae so much... it feels so wrong but he missed him so much......

but life must go on,  donghae tried to forget this confusing feelings and try to meet his girlfriend.

He actually met her few times. But donghae always didnt look fine at all. He always been on his mind and cant focus on her at all. And it's always been like this..

Donghae didnt seem to reply at her mesaages as often as before. And he rarely pick up her calls. Donghae was like a whole different person.. sometimes he would be ignorant or careless... even he was not actually like this.. 

he had a fight with his girlfriend recently.. because donghae keeps losing his focus when they met. And he keeps ignoring her messages and calls. He said that he was busy with works and stuffs. Still his girlfriend had it enough and asked him for break up. Donghae asked her not to end it so quickly. he said they can figure it out together. But his girlfriend insisted that they must break up. She was so tired of him. So they break up in their 5 months.. 

Donghae was shattered... he was miserable..

 he thought "maybe life was fair enough"

end of flashback

Donghae intentionally didnt tell hyukjae that he's already breaking up with his girlfriend. He thinks maybe it's for the best to stay like that. It's already been 1 month since he had broken up. And it's the time for hyukjae to come home to korea too. Actually donghae already recovers from his broken state too after 1 month. But now he saw hyukjae is a whole different. He's like happier, shining, and lovelier. It's like he's really getting himself better. He's getting way cuter... donghae seems a lil bit flustered to see hyukjae arrived... he was stunned for a lil bit. 

“is it just me or he gets cuter after coming back......” he thoughts.

Fortunately after their little talks, they can be like they used to be again.. 

The comeback is near.. so they keep practicing and practicing. They have been busy all the time after hyukjae arrived. They have been busy with many things to prepare the comeback.

Hyukjae is working hard too. He's even more refreshed for now. Donghae and hyukjae come back as they are used to be. Playful to each other. They are just being professional to not mix their private life and works. So they act like the things that happened 3 months ago are also dissapearead.. they just act like nothing happened.

They finally released their comeback songs successfully. It was a hit and success. They did many shows, interviews, and some variety shows to promote their comeback. They are so busy because of these schedules. But they are happy because finally they did a comeback again after a long time.

So after the day they brought a first win from mcountdown, they celebrate it in a restaurant and have a big feast there. Then they had drunk too after having those meals. It’s time for going home and there were no schedule tomorrow so leeteuk said just rest well for tomorrow. The members are going home one by one.

"Hyung, tomorrow i will have schedule for new journey to the west, so i cant come home with you. Is it okay for you to come home alone?"

"Nah it's okay. Bye bye kyuhyuna"

But actually hyukjae is in drunk state so he will go with his manager to come home.

then donghae comes

"I can take him home, i bring a car here so you dont need to worry managernim"

"Oh? You bring a car? Okay then i'll just come with you." 

Then hyukjae and donghae go home together with donghae's car. It's the first time for them having a drive like this for just both of them. 

"Hyukjae-ya, are you sober enough?"

"Hmmm 60% sober i tthink why?"

"Actually i want to tell you something"

"What is it?"

"I... i broke up with her"

"Her? Your lover? Why?" suddnely he’s 90% sober up

"Some things happened and we fights then she asked for breaking up. uhm yea thats it"

"Oh.. since when?"

"It's been like almost 2 months before our comeback"

"Ah... so you already broke up that time i ask you?"

"Hm yes.... sorry for not telling you the truth, im just scared that it will make you uncomfortable yknow"

"It's okay i understand... uhm.... so, you okay?"

"Yeah i had been not okay that time but right now i feel better a lot"

"Good for you then, hope you can find another person who's better for you then. life must go on right" 

Then silence... donghae doesnt give him any replies. 

They stopped at the red lights apparently..

"Do you already have a person you like this moment?" Suddenly donghae asked

"no there isnt. I didnt think of it at all because we've been so busy"

"Youre right"

Then the green light appears..

Donghae drives again... 15 minutes in silence and finally arriving at hyukjae's dorm..

"Okay.. would you want me to take you to your room or-?"

It turned out hyukjae already sleeps. He didnt dare to wake him so he puts hyukjae in his back and piggy backs him to his room.... and he still sleeps soundly at donghae’s back.. 

Donghae puts hyukjae to his bed and tucks him in the bed softly.. then unconsciously, donghae leans in to hyukjae's face..

Donghae pressed a soft kiss to his forehead...

"What if you're the better person for me hyukjae? What you’re gonna do if i fall for you?" He said while carressing his hair softly.. 

After that, donghae turned off the lamp and went home rightaway....

actually hyukjae didnt fall a sleep at all... 

he listened to all of them.

"The hell is that just happened...... oh my freaking God what the hell just happened....." he wakes up rightaway.

Hyukjae still can feel donghae's kiss in his face. he cant sleep at all that day. Even after hyukjae's arrival, they had been in a good terms. It is like nothing happened back then. They acted like they used to. Everything seems so natural. There were no feelings for each other.. hyukjae completely erased his feelings for donghae but why did he act like that last night....

"God he's confusing me again.... "

After that confusing situation for hyukjae, he will never know that was the start of all donghae's affections to him.

 and it's likely more affectionate than he ever imagined.

They did many shows and got many interviews. In those shows, donghae always finds chance to get close to hyukjae even doing some skinships to him. But it's like he did it unconciously and natural. It's like the usual donghae but it's more clingy than usual.

He's always backhugging him when they played something, or when in a music show ending, and many more. But hyukjae just lets him bcs he didnt want to be so obvious of avoiding donghae in the tv or shows.

Hyukjae hates to admit this but he liked it. It's like he misses these moments so much but in fact he's already moving on.... or...... are those feelings coming back again...

His warm and soft touches against his body are endearing. He just loves those affections. He missed how to be loved by someone...

But he didnt want to admit it.... never. it’s too contradictive. his mind says he’s already moved on but his heart told him otherwise. 

He still cant get over what donghae said few days ago....

Day by day passed by, and the promotions are coming to an end...  they did their last music shows on inkigayo. hyukjae went to the rooftop to rest for a lil bit because the members are just too noisy right now.. he didnt feel like to talk too much today. 

"what are you doing here alone hyukjae-ya?" 

"Oh donghae, uhm nothing just sight seeing" he’s startled by his voice

Donghae comes to hyukjae

"Do you have something burdening you?

"No actually i just feel grateful finally we can success this comeback.."

"im proud too for myself and the members too. we’re doing great"

“right” 

they smiled together and felt the wind that breezed for them. and hyukjae got some dust into his eyes

"Aaah my eyes" he tried to rub his eyes but donghae held his hands

"Hyukjae-ya are you okay? Which eyes?"

"Leftt aaaah its stuck"

“dont rub it, i’ll blow it for you”  

Then donghae just blows a little to hyukjae's left eyes while cupping hyukjae's cheek.  hyukjae’s heart is pounding like crazy while he did that

"I-Is it gone?"

"Maybe.." hyukjae tried to open his eyes and he's surprised, donghae was just 5 cm in front of him

Then donghae looks into hyukjae's eyes  and carresses his cheeks softly... hyukjae cant back off and staring into donghae’s eyes also

"I think you're more beautiful in this comeback" while holding his cheek.

"How so? I just feel so usual"

"It's your eyes. Your eye make up is stunning"

"U-uhm thanks"

“this comeback fits you so well”

They still stood like that for a while until donghae leaned in to hyukjae.. and hyukjae automatically closes his eyes... donghae just pressed a soft kiss into hyukjae's left eye...

Then he pulls out and smiles..

"You must be tired today. Lets just go home.." donghae said and grabbed hyukjae's hand to enter the building...

Hyukjae is dazed and cant say a single word... he just follows him to the building in silence... 

One day hyukjae drinks alone again in the usual bar. He just wants to drink because he wont have no schedule tomorrow.. and he talks alone in the bar.

"Im getting confused again. Why did he do that then?"

"If im just a rebound of his broken heart, i swear i would kill him rightaway.. gosh but he's already broken up from long time ago... eish but i doubt he likes me though he's fucking straight"

"he's weird. Or am i? Huh idk"

Hyukjae been blabbering for himself there for a few minutes..

Then such a coincidence happened, there just came donghae and jinu who were hanging out with the others because it's their friends who own this bar.. and donghae just watched hyukjae drunk alone and ran to him quickly. his face shows he’s worried as hell. 

"lee hyukjae.. hey what are you doing here? I thought you slept because you didnt reply me at all. you cant come drinking alone like this. you know you cant support youself enough while drunk. why are you like this?"

"Oh hey cheonsanim is it my death yet? Why there's cheonsa here.. thats so weird" he blabbers and doesnt listen to donghae’s nagging at all

"Hey get yourself together hyukjae-ya" 

"Oh im totally fine! what time is it? I should go practicing. let me go. comeon lets practice!!!"

"There's no practicing schedule for today and it’s almost midnight... lets just go to your dorm"

"No but cheonsanim, there's still liquor left i must finish-"

"Shut up and just lets go home. understand?" donghae’s face becomes all serious suddenly. and hyukjae shuts his mouth and let donghae do what he wants. he’s kinda scared too actually even he’s drunk. 

Donghae just pulled hyukjae from the seat and put his arms into his shoulder and starts walking to the car.. donghae brings him home again... like that day

after the silence for a while, donghae finally softened and his serious face gone

"This reminds me of how you were so drunk back then and you keep sobbing because of me.."

"Back then i really didnt know. Yes im a fool didnt realize your feeling and im a fool too bcs i fell in love too easily with some women. Maybe im just too lonely. But i realized that i actually not lonely this whole time. I have you. Thats a shame of me who didnt realize it. Im just so sorry.."

He said while holding hyukjae's hand. Meanwhile hyukjae is sleeping since donghae starts driving.. he’s always like that after being drunk. he sleeps rightaway. 

"You're becoming more refreshed and stunning. Im so flustered to see you like “ah it turned out im really friend with this beautiful human?" Thats exactly my thoughts for you when u came back"

"then i doubt it myself why would i have that kind of thoughts. I feel like i wanna have you for myself. Your cute face, funny jokes, and even your weird actions. It's like i wanna keep it all for myself. I even got jealous when you acted cute in front of the fans lmao i shouldnt do that but idk myself is just being weird."

"i love those smiles of yours. Your gummy smile. Thats just so pretty. It warms me up. I even think why didnt i realize i live with the prettiest angel for this 20 years." 

donghae still driving while looking at the road.. and he keeps pouring his words...

"Youre really my important person hyukjae. I wont ever erase you from my list. Youre my person... your presence to me is a healing and strength. Without you im nothing. You complete me. You're really my everything. Please just erase those bad memories of us. Just let me fill it again with good memories of us... let me try again.. im hoping i can be your source of sunshine too.. like you give me those warmest smiles every time we met... thats the most amazing feeling ever..."

Then silence...

"I knew you're not sleeping right... im not asking you for anything but i just wanna tell you that... and we're almost arrived"

Hyukjae cant hide again from his so called sleeping,, then he’s awkwardly wakes up and straighten his back... 

"uhm.. uhmm..  thats quiet long speech of yours.... uhmm okay..."

Honestly hyukjae is speechless as hell, he never knew donghae will talk it out and he's basically confessing??? But thats so ambiguous...

"Can i hug you?" Donghae asked before hyukjae opened the car's door

"uhm s-sure"

Then donghae hugs him... donghae's hugs always feels so warm... his big body is covering hyukjae's small body... it’s always been these hugs that he loved the most.

donghae who circling his arm into hyukjae’s neck and hyukjae who hugs donghae’s waist tightly.. its always been like this. their typical hugs from time to time. 

"dont go out alone to drink.. bring me,   so i will take you home"

hyukjae just nods in  his warm embrace.. 

Donghae takes off his arms from hyukjae and presses a soft kiss to hyukjae's forehead...

"Good night.. rest well for today"

 hyukjae is gotta explode. 

He's confused too and doesnt know what to do either. But his mind is a total mess right now so he acts like he's totally not in his right mind too.

his act and his mind are always fighting. it’s not completely going in a one way. it’s totally contradictive!!

hyukjae in his not right mind suddenly leaned in and kissed donghae's cheek quickly. 

He's so red and dying inside, then he just

"g-g-good night too bye bye" he's so flustered and running quick to his room

Donghae who feels hundred times flustered than hyukjae, cant even move a flinch after hyukjae's cute lil kiss. He's smiling like an idiot and messed up his hair. 

"im really going crazy" 

Meanwhile in the other side, hyukjae runs to his room and throws himself to his bed and screams.

"arghhhhhh why did i do that you fool lee hyukjae you fooool"

One day after that lil kiss event, donghae asked hyukjae (as if nothing happened) to a drive. he’s that amazing to act like nothing happened between them. 

"hyukjae, are you free this sunday?"

"Uhm maybe, why?" hyukjae pretends nothing happened too. BUT he’s just pretending. so he just replied casually

"i want to have a drive, wanna come? its no fun if i drive alone"

"u-uhm sure. But where to?"

"Hmmm it's up to you"

"Me ? Ah no, it's you who should decide donghae-ya"

"Finee, then beach? Lets watch sunset. How?"

"Call! Good idea!"

"Okay see you on sunday i'll pick you up"

"Of course"

Hyukjae didnt know why he agreed to his plans lmao he’s too excited to watch sunset. 

"eish what should i do.. that god damn smile wtf i cant even ignore him"

"Nah its okay we're usually like this. Its a usual thing for us to have a drive tgt. We even watch sunrise together every year.. it shouldnt be a bad thing right........ right..... but for now i should try calming my heart more" he’s trying to convince his heart more 

Sunday comes and they really go to the beach....

They have so much fun in the car, they sing and laugh happily in the car.. hyukjae who jokes a lot while donghae who gives his best reactions to it. It's just their  another ordinary days.. but its been so long so they're beyond excited for themselves.

It's winter and they wear warm clothes right now.

"Hyukjae, dont you feel cold of just wearing that coat?"

"Ah this. Hmm maybe i can bare it haha"

"You can wear my padding, i'll wear yours"

"Eish no need. Im fine really"

"Uhm okay then"

They have arrived at the beach and they go to the side of the beach while playing with the water. They had so much fun playing and running for each other.. they're just like kindergartens..

"It's unbelievably cold goshhh maybe you’re true though,  my small body cant bare it haha" hyukjae been shivering for a while and he almost stutters because of the cold wind.

"I told you so.." then donghae stands behind hyukjae and opens his padding to back hug the shivering kid. his padding completely covered him and hyukjae together. Hyukjae is small human being so it fits for them together.

"Ya- what are you doing let me go" hyukjae tried to let go but of course he’s lost. 

"Its cold its better like this right" he tightens his hugs more. 

Hyukjae cant say a single word he's just dazed while feeling the cold air from the sea.

They stayed like that for a while until sunset..

"Beautiful..." finally hyukjae mouthed a word

"Uhm.." donghae hugs him tighter from the back

"We're almost the same height but why i feel you're so tiny" donghae said

"im 3 cm taller you know!! but i admits im a real myeolchi because im not that workout holic like you. and im not the type who builds my body like you. the bulkier type. nah i didnt like it"

"Alright alright  i agree for that"

they enjoy this so much. and maybe hyukjae loves it too much. it feels like the cold air is completely gone because of donghae’s back hugs. it warms him up...

after some moments of the sweet warm sunset, they think of going back. they can freeze if they stay too long. 

"Should we go back?"

"Okay..."

Its time for going back and its time for donghae to let go of his hug.... why hyukjae feels dissappointed all of sudden...

Donghae lets go of the hugs and he pulls hyukjae to face him...

"Hyukjae"

"O-oh why?"

Donghae takes out his hands and carress it softly... then brings it into his lips... donghae just kissed every hyukjae's knuckles one by one..

Donghae turned to face hyukjae and leans in slowly..

Hyukjae stops him by pointing his forehead..

"can i-?”

 he didnt finished his words but suddenly hyukjae said

"kiss me"

Donghae got startled but he smiled softly and leaned in to kiss hyukjae

Donghae moves his hands to cupped hyukjae's cheeks while hyukjae's hands slowly circling donghae's neck.. they kissed slowly and softly.. donghae takes a lead and hyukjae tightens his hands... they never expect this day would come.. they pulled out for few seconds, then hyukjae cant get enough and kiss him again.. they kissed so long but slowly...

then they got losing a breath and plus they cant bare the cold air then hyukjae pulled himself from donghae... his ear got so red and he cant even say a word.

"i-its cold lets go home." hyukjae said and ran  leaving donghae who smiled softly..

They go home with hyukjae who covered himself with his scarf.

Donghae who laughs softly said

"Hey dont cover yourself like that, i cant see your face" he teased

"I dont want to see your face idiot"

Donghae chuckles and takes hyukjae's hand... he pressed a soft kiss to his hand...

"stopppp argghh focus on driving bastard" he pulls out his hand quick

Donghae drives home with a widest smile ever

Arriving at hyukjae's dorm, he packs his things and ready to get out but..

While on the way driving here, the snow falls so hard even donghae drives his car slowly to go here..

"You know, the s-snow is falling so h-hard right"

Then donghae turned his head to hyukjae waiting him to say something

"So...” hyukjae hesitates..

"Eh hem so?" Donghae waits while smiling to him

"Eish stop smiling like a weirdo you bastard"

"Hmmmm So?" donghae teased 

"Y-you can come to dorm until tomorrow morning i-if you want-"

"Of course i will. Lets go" donghae quickly answers and goes inside

Donghae has expected this , no way he would let his best friend fighting the snow falls for himself.

They enter the dorm together.. and it's already almost midnight..

"Kyuhyun is home already maybe he's already sleeping... you can sleep on the sofa or other rooms here okay bye im going to bed" hyukjae was about to go to his room but donghae stops him

"What now?"

Then he gestured his head in hyukjae's room (it's like “i wanna sleep with you” gesture)

"N-no way!"

"Aaah we used to sleep together why cant we"

"Its different! We're grown ups right now!"

"Hnggggggg pplleasseeeee or i will nag at you until morning"

Donghae keeps nagging and nagging so hyukjae just lets him to go to his room

"Fine"

Hyukjae already changed his clothes and brings his clothes for donghae to change also.. then hyukjae goes straight to sleep and doesnt want to wait for donghae who changed his clothes

Donghae who comes back after changing his clothes, climbs up the bed beside hyukjae... hyukjae  sleeps facing the other side and donghae feels dissappointed..

"Face me while sleeping or i cant sleep"

"Its not my business"

"We just kissed why do you treat me like this?" He pouts

"Eishhh sssssshhhh. fine fine. i'll face you lets just sleep"

"Hyukjae ya"

"Hmmm" he already closed his eyes

"I wanna hug you"

"why are you so demanding"

“pleaseeeeee”

“arghhh fine” 

Then donghae hugs him and places hyukjae's head in his chest

"It's cold i must keep you warm" hyukjae stays in his embraces like that without complaining.. he's too sleepy to complain.. 

"Hyukjae ya"

No answer...

Then donghae leans in closer

Hyukjae feels donghae's breath becomes so close and slowly opens his eyes..

Hyukjae stops him again by placing his fingers to his lips..

"lee donghae......." hyukjae loses all his drowsiness.... and his eyes looking at donghae's

"I like you..." donghae said with his softest eyes ever

This. those puppy eyes of his. His soft voice.. his gentle touches. His body's heat that runs into hyukjae's body.... it drives him crazy

 hyukjae never been so speechless.. he's weak.. he doesnt know how to act...

Hyukjae feels his heart about to explode..

"Y-you know.. b-but i dont know... i cant understand my feelings at all.... i-"

"I know.... i know.. i'll wait for you"

"but why?"

"Because it has to be you. I love being with you. I just love it so much. youve heard me before. in the car, i told you everything. it’s just you."

Hyukjae cant say anything and keeps his head down in donghae’s chest... he cant face donghae.... he might explode... he bets his ears are all red... and he feels so damn hot even it's winter...

"Can i kiss you?"

Silence.....

Then hyukjae nods softly..

Donghae slowly moves his hand towards hyukjae's cheek and the other hand pulling his waist closer...they kissed again.. but its more passionate and have more feelings... they didnt feel cold anymore, they are heated by the kiss...

donghae who's now on top of hyukjae and keep kissing him like there's no tomorrow... it's like hyukjae is his property only..

They kissed until they both are out of breath and pulled out from each other.... donghae hugs him again from the side while carressing hyukjae's hair and kissed it for few times.....

"잘자요 hyukjae ya"

"good night.." hyukjae who feels embarrassed to death and he just hides himeself in donghae's chest...

They both stay like that until morning comes.... they embrace each other warmly and they sleep like babies.

Morning comes and hyukjae slowly opens his eyes...

"emhhh.... oh my.." he still doesnt believe it either what he saw...

The first thing he saw is donghae's face beside of him.. he suddenly remembers the kiss.. 

"He already looks so good even he's sleeping, like how.."

"eishh whats wrong with me"

hyukjae tries to come down from the bed slowly because donghae's hand still in his waist.. so he slowly removes it.... afraid to wake him up... when he's about to success for coming down, then a pair of hands slip into his waist tightly and a voice appears next to his ear closely..

"where do you go?" said donghae who just woke up with his hoarse voice. He put his head above hyukjae's shoulder and keep whining

hyukjae almost jumped after hearing it *dammit that hot voice*

He always knew this kind of voice every morning they woke up after sleeping together.. because they did it often back in those old days.. but now, it is not the same,  it's like hyukjae always got heart attack when donghae comes close like this

"maybe take a shower and buy a breakfast..."

"sleep more :(" said donghae lazily in hyukjae's shoulder

"it's almost 9 am... i must go to gym later.."

Then he pouts cutely..

"Let me take you there then..."

"Fine.."

"Lets take a shower together"

"NO eish i can shower alone lemme go" donghae still hugs him tightly from the back

"Lee donghaeee comeonnnnn"

"letsss take a shower together like the old dayss"

"No fuckin waay lemme gooooo" hyukjae tries so hard to let it go and finally succeeding

Donghae just whines and tries to wake up also.

They both already been showering and they will have breakfast together..

After finishing breakfast and stuffs. Donghae drives him to hyukjae's gym.

"Okay then thankyou for dropping me off" said hyukjae awkwardly

"Of course. Dont overwork yourself, rest well after this. Bye bye"

"Sure bye"

"Oh wait." Donghae said

"What is it? Is there something i left in your car?"

"You left this"

Donghae shamelessly pressed a quick kiss in hyukjae's right cheek.

"YA LEE DONGHAE"

"bye bye!" Then he winks and leaves

"Eish im really really going insane"

Day by day passed and donghae keeps being clingy to hyukjae. But extended version, he always kissed him goodbye while parting ways. It can be forehead kiss or cheek kiss. Hyukjae is lied if he doesnt like it. He liked it so much but he didnt show it and always runs away from donghae after that...

"Ah where is the boy who used to cry here bcs of his bestfriend? Is he really opening up his heart again?" Teased leeteuk

"Hyung please"

"Hahahaha you arent bothered at all right by him? I knew you love it"

"No way"

"You cant lie to me hyukjae. You fall for hin again right?"

"But i hate for admitting "that feeling""

"It's been so long hyukjae, it's okay for falling in love again"

"I dont know hyung... but why it has to be him? i just dont know"

few days after, hyukjae who just woke up suddenly gets a call from leeteuk..

"Lee hyukjae it's urgent, donghae is sick and i cant go there bcs i have works. Can you come instead of me? He's been in high fever. im scared he will faint or something"

"Okay hyung i'll go there asap"

Hyukjae is worried as hell and he brings all the medicines from the dorm for donghae.

As he arrived there, he found donghae sleeps on the floor.. and he's freaking out

"Yahh lee donghae, are you okay? Hey, lemme take you to hospital come one wake up"

Hyukjae got so worried and try to lift donghae's body.

"Ehmmmh oh what time is it? Why am i on the floor? And why are you here hyukjae?"

"Leeteuk said youre sick af so i came.. lemme take you to hospital right now. can you stand by yourself?"

"Ah.... im not sick.. i just got hangover and maybe i fall asleep on the floor last night..... im totally fine but a little dizzy"

"what the-”

then he realized 

“Aish leeteuk hyung i'll get revenge on you someday arghhh" then hyukjae stands up and ready to walk out

"Im going home then. Bye im wasting my precious times"

"Aaaah dont go im really dizzy... can you help me please eung?"

"Its ur fault anyway"

"But i always help you after you drunk so many times..."

"Okay t-thats... ugh- fine"

Hyukjae walks to donghae and lifts him up. He helps donghae to get on the bed..

"Okay it's done im going. Eish wasting my time  worrying for nothing"

"Are you worried that much?"

"Bye im going home..."

Donghae pulls hyukjae's hand..

"Can you just stay with me?"

"Why should i?"

"I need your company.."

Donghae pulls a lil harder until hyukjae's body falls on his chest..

Donghae hugs him rightaway so hyukjae cant go...

"Hyukjae-ya.. there’s no a single time i would not think of you.. you know what, when you went to japan, i messed up all of things.. i cant get focused on anything... i just wanted to meet you.."

Hyukjae who still in donghae's chest said carefully

"How can i trust you? I cried so hard that day.. im tired of hurting"

"You know it hurts to see you cry. That day my heart breaks into pieces... i think how much i hate myself... i was so dumb. i knew.. but now i realize how can i live without you.. i cant stay away from you... i wanna hug you so tight and give you every little kisses every day.. i dont know when this started, but i want to make you mine every time i see you..  i wanna protect you and embrace you.. i cant take my eyes off of you"

"Hyukjae-ya look at me" donghae lifts hyukjae's head who leans in his broad chest then he saw hyukjae is crying...

"dont cry sweetheart please dont cry.." donghae carressed his tears away softly..

"I-i think i completely forget you. i convinced myself that i already moved on. i believe i had erased you completely.But i just realized i cant... how can i? i really cant forget you at all... i just keep pretending that i was fine if i keep this feelings alone.. i thought i already threw away my feelings. But you suddenly came to me again with those affections.. how... how can i just forget you easily.. i just cant.... life is so unfair i cant understand"

Donghae suddenly sits and lifts hyukjae easily to sit in his lap.. hyukjae who's still sobbing got flustered by his sudden actions.

"Ssssh dont cry... you know that im the crybaby, it's not you. You shouldnt be crying.. youre not supposed to cry... "

Hyukjae still sobs.. and palmed his face..

Donghae leans in and takes hyukjae's hands from his face slowly

He cupped hyukjae's face and leans in.. donghae's forehead touched hyukjae's completely..

"I love you so much.. can you love me back?"

Hyukjae still sobs but he nods softly..

Donghae smiled softly... this sweetest smile that always stuck in hyukjae’s head

"Say that you love me back" 

Donghae wiped off the tears that keep falling in hyukjae's cheeks..

"i-i like you so much i could die.." he sobs cutely

"good.. and i love you too"

Donghae leans in and kisses hyukjae's watery eyes delicately.. he pressed those little kisses slowly from hyukjae's forehead, eyes, cheeks, nose, and finally his lips...

The way hyukjae's lips melt in donghae's.. he kissed hyukjae passionately... the finally-you-love-me kiss that he always hopes.. not that heartbreaking kiss again, this kiss feels more delicate and warm. donghae moves his body and presses hyukjae down to the bed..

"Do you mind if..."

"just do whatever you want”

“good” 

hyukjae never thought that this day would happen for real.. his shirts and pants are on the floor... his  outfits that he wears prettily today is all on the floor mixed with donghae's.. they both are covered with blanket with donghae's hand for hyukjae's pillow.. hyukjae cant say a single word after all of the things that happened so quick in few hours..

"Say something babe"

"You idiot bastard how can i say something after you marked me like this... we just- arghhh i shouldnt say yes for whatever you will do... ive been tricked."

Donghae turned to sulky hyukjae and kiss hyukjae's shoulder..

"you know i cant resist you.. "

then donghae pulls hyukjae and hugs him close to his broad chest and hyukjae slowly hugs him back..

"stay with me until tomorrow?"

"Of course" hyukjae nods and hugs him tighter

"Dont you feel cold?"

"Nope. You hug me is enough.."

Donghae smiled  softly and hugs him tighter... 

“best day of my life.” donghae kissed hyukjae’s head softly

While hyukjae finally asleeps, donghae quickly messages leeteuk

"Hyung i will appear on your youtube more often!! i promise. Thank you for everything hahaha!"

"Eish this little punk. Happy now? Stop calling me just for crying that you miss him so bad. Ughhh im so tired listening your broken ass.  Dont send me even a single pic of both of you or i'll kill you."

"HAHA i was about to lmaooo bye bye hyung♡"

-end

[randomnessunicorn-imagine]

Aos Kirk/Reader FWB gets feels?

{ It’s for you, my dear anon ~ 

Don’t forget to like or reblog if you like my writing, that would make me so glad! }

Everyone can still ask for Prompts:

>>FLUFF BINGO PROMPTS

☀️ JAMES T. KIRK ☀️

Everyoneknew Kirk’s womanizer attitude and it was not surprising to see him always witha different girl. Captain Casanova, the heartbreaker captain, the one who nevergot fond. However, he loved all those girls but only for one night. A passing,fickle but passionate and unforgettable love. A love that was not meant tolast, maybe it was not even love but a mere adventure, but whatever it was, youcould not help but desire him and he could not help but desire you.

Youwere different but like the other girls, because you were his friend but notthat kind of friend, not a normal friend because you were more than just afriend but you were still not enough to be considered his true lover. Anundefined, strange feeling that was becoming harmful took place in your heart.The ice in your heart, because you could not fall in love with him, was heatingup and melting. Your coldness was now boiling, you were no longer able to beindifferent towards him and you were not even able to pretend that you did notcare.

Youwere really in love with Kirk, being just his friend was not enough for you andyou wanted this warm feeling, warmer than lava to disappear because it was sohot that it would have burned you if this burning sentiment would not bereciprocated.

Kirkcould not love you, you did not want to delude yourself, since he was yourcaptain and such a relationship was not possible.

Hisspirit was free, adventurous and nomadic, he never stayed on the same planet,he never looked at the same star because he got tired, he needed to explore. Everylover for him was like a new world to discover, to conquer and even to hurt.Anyone who fell in love with him had their heart broken gently. You did notwant to, so you were silent and you took the pain because you did not want tostop this relationship even if it was tying and freezing your soul.

“Itwas so great.” Kirk said, smiling happily.

“Asalways.” You said, kissing him.

“There’sno better way to start the day.” He whispered between your wet lips.

Passionwarmed his body and almost wanted to make love with you again but time was hisenemy and so he had to give up his desire.

Eventhis time, he would betray you for his ship, his only true love but you smiled,accepting your miserable fate.

“Doyou have to leave already?” You asked, maliciously smiling, a malice thatonly served to hide the sadness that slept in your heart.

“Yes,I’m still the Captain of this ship so I can’t stay. I’m sorry.” He said,grinning and then he jumped up. He dressed quickly, as if he was running away,as if he had perceived your real state of mind, but that was impossible. He hadduties and you were a way like any other to satisfy his primitive needs, thiswas the truth. It was the sad and simple reality. You were just a hobby forhim.

Kirkwent away, leaving you alone and cold in this lonely and desolate quarters.

Thisstory had to end and you had to tell him the truth, this situation was drivingyou mad.

“I missed you, honey.” He said, after a long day of hard work, he wantedhis reward, his moment of relaxation. He smiled at you, kissing your neck,blowing in your ear and hugging your body that warmed at his touch.

No,you did not want to respond to his touches, you did not want to hug him orreturn his passionate kisses. No, you had to face him, challenge your fears andconfess the feelings you felt for him even if he would refuse them. You couldno longer lie or even suffer for him.

“Jim…” you whispered but your words seemed sighs of affection.

“Iwant you…” he said, giggling and then you refused him, putting yourhands on his chest and looking at him with a cold expression that he had neverseen on your face.

“Please,Jim. I want to talk to you… ” you said in a serious but sad tone ofvoice.

“Ofcourse…” Kirk’s face darkened and he was already thinking about the worst.

“I’msorry but I cannot continue this, I don’t want to do this anymore… Not withyou…” you held back your tears, trying to stay calm.

“What?What are you saying? What happened? We’re great together, you know how much Iadore the time I spend with you.” He said, smiling softly but you looked away.

“Iknow it. And that’s why I don’t want it anymore. You consider me only duringthese moments, for you I am nothing but a game, a play date. I’m like everyoneelse…” you raised your voice.

“Aplay date? Are you crazy?” Kirk did not understand and he answered, raising hisvoice.

“Yes,I’m crazy for you… So … I’m very sorry. But every day is the same thing.You send me to heaven but the next moment I find myself in hell, I don’t know.I’m just tired.” You told him, bursting into tears.

“I’mso sorry. Why didn’t you tell me before? I didn’t think… I don’t… ” Jimwas upset, covering his head in his hands, sighing and he felt guilty.

“Whyshould have I told you? It was useless! I wanted to delude myself and I thoughtI was okay with it, but I’m not okay. You’re a free spirit, I’m not like you, andI’m not an adventure. I can’t ignore my feelings and so I believe that the onlyway is to stop, before those feelings kill me.” You confessed, you did not wantit to end like that but you could not bear it no more.

“No,no… You’re stupid!” Kirk said, angry but he did what you did not expectand hugged you suddenly.

Kirkwas crying, but he put his face on your shoulder and so you did not notice histears but you could hear his sobs.

“Jim?”You asked him, “Are you okay?” You were so confused that your voicecame out like a whisper.

“I’mso sorry. It’s absurd! How could I be so stupid, insensitive and selfish? How?”Then he looked up and smiled at you. Were his tears of joy? You did not understand.

“What?”You asked him.

“Ilove you, Y / N! I’ve always loved you but I’ve been too stupid to realize it.”He said and felt light, as if he had freed himself of a weight that suffocatedhim.

Kirkfelt the same feeling for you, even he could not believe that the great andmagnificent Captain of the Enterprise could fall truly in love but it happenedand he was content that you were his true love.

Afterthis wonderful revelation, you and he made love for the first time. Real love.

[mischief274]

* Domestic abuse against men can take the form of physical violence, emotional, verbal, or sexual abuse. Whatever your circumstances, though, you can find help and break free from an abusive relationship.

If you’re a man in an abusive relationship, it’s important to know that you’re not alone.

Domestic violence and abuse can have a serious physical and psychological impact. The first step to protecting yourself and stopping the abuse is to reach out. Talk to a friend, family member, or someone you trust, or call a domestic violence helpline.

This post isn’t written with hate. It was written with a lot of sadness and heartache. It may or may not come across the person it’s meant for but I am the one that has to live with all the pain she caused my partner...

This took me a two months to finish after reading all the awful lies she wrote about my sweet Jack.

Here I go....

Replying to February 12,2021

To his ex,

You have dreams of him to remind you of all the pain you caused him. The world isn’t going to be so kind to you and let you forget how awful you were (are) simply because you “found the lord” and I hope it continues to remind you every day until you genuinely regret all the things you did and said to his kind soul. By regret, I mean, finally speaking the truth.

The only scars you have from those 5 years are the ones Y O U made yourself. Quit trying to play the victim and make it sound like you have all these scars because he was a “monster” to you, he wasn’t. He never was and you know it.

Everyone saw how much he loved you. Every single person who cared for him warned him about you and begged him to leave you because they knew how miserable he was trying to show you that you were the only girl he wanted. They warned him because they knew how crazy and abusive you were and they knew if he stayed for too long that he would end up in Jail from one of your lies or dead in his room. Sadly you proved them all right. He ended up in jail and in the ER from all the blood he lost trying to take his own life to make you happy.

Had you just treated him with respect and loved him, he would’ve never lost his mind. He would’ve never experienced depression and he never would’ve tried to kill himself. He would’ve been normal today. But all you ever did for him was tell him that the world would’ve been a better place if he would just kill himself.

He’s not the bad guy here but you’re a woman so who would the public believe? He’s full of scars from the 5 years you kept him hostage in your relationship. For 5 years you begged him to kill himself so much that he cut his wrist in front of you with tears in his eyes and all you did was watch him bleed and run away. You didn’t even bother calling 911. You were just as bad as Michelle Carter except the judge believed your pathetic crying ass instead of his because he’s the one that looked tough and mean. Had they just taken a second to look into his eyes, they would’ve seen all the pain he was trying to hide behind his tattoos but apparently looks speak more than words. And now you’re here again at 11:33pm writing about your dreams of him, your trauma and “praying” that he and I get married and have a happy life with more kids.

You’re so fake. I feel so sad for who you are.

What did he ever do to you? He doesn’t deserve all the shit you continue to write about him. He tried giving you the world, did you know that? He lost so many jobs because of you and even when he had no income, he still tried to provide for you. He tried taking care of Y O U all the time. He cared for you and instead of loving him back or letting him go so he can be happy with someone else, you kept him around and made him believe that he didn’t deserve better than you so much so that when I came along and threw him any sort of compliment or treated him nice he’d look away and feel ashamed. He felt ashamed for wanting to accept a compliment!! How sad is that?! I had never met a man so broken.

You’re such a monster Jazmine and you hide extremely well.

Next time you want to write about him between 11:00 o’clock to 3:00 in the morning about how much you think about him or whatever, please don’t because you only make it seem like you’re the one living in fear when he’s the one who’s paranoid every time we go to a specific store or coffee shop because you’re the type of person to fake a scene and make people believe that he’s following you just to make him look bad and have a chance to “be” a victim again. He can’t even enjoy himself in public when we go out because he’s afraid I’ll get upset for simply looking up and thinking that he was looking at other woman.

He doesn’t understand that he doesn’t have to walk with his eyes down when he’s with me but he doesn’t feel safe because of you.

So, you didn’t go through any trauma those 5 years. He did. He wasn’t the abuser, you were.

When he finally had the courage to stand up for himself and let you go, you made up a whole story about how bad he beat you and he ended up in jail, taking him away from his kids once again and what did you do? You reminded him that no one would ever want him because he had kids which made him a burden to anyone else and who would want a fat father with a criminal record and kids now right? Those were your words to a man only trying to break free of you. But you were so desperate for attention that even after your “case” you still decided to secretly meet with him and fuck in his car for a whole year because everyone else you tried talking to would only use you for an easy fuck and let you go. Except for him. He was the only one that would give you any attention. He always gave you all of his time and attention. But he wasn’t the person you wanted attention from. Yet, you still kept him around and abused him anyway because being with someone you hated was better than being alone right? Those other men knew better, they saw how ugly you truly were so you had no choice than to go back to my sweet Jack and that made you miserable and misery loves company.

You’re the one who couldn’t do better than him. You’re the one who didn’t deserve better than him and you will never do better than him. He’s perfect. He’s one in a million. You could’ve had an amazing life by his side but you treated him like trash. Now you’re almost 30 and you’re still living a lonely life. Desperate to fit in. Desperate to feel wanted.

I hope you always remember that he was the only man who ever truly tried giving you the world. I hope you always remember that he was the only man who will ever show you that type of love. I hope you remember him when you start to fall in love and remember that his love was rare and that you missed out on the best one.

You were Amber and he was Johnny. You knew police officers and a judge would take your side because you play the victim well but we all know the monster you truly are.

If he would have taken all the voicemails and text messages between the two of you, you wouldn’t have won in court. Instead, Y O U would have been the one arrested for domestic violence. The only thing that saved you was that everyone believed that pathetic little “ God saved me” cry. You’re disgusting. I hate all the pain you put him through. He was too good to have met you. You should really consider putting that “ I am a daughter of God and I will do right by him” act away and actually try to be a good person. Who am I kidding, you probably never will. People like you don’t change. I hope you prove me wrong but I have extremely low hope with you.

So don’t you fucking dare!! Don’t you fucking dare talk about him because you’re so full of shit.

All that “lurking” is shit too because I’ve been on his social media for years checking up on him and he has never written one bad thing about you. He did once and it was only to reply to your pathetic excuse of an apology. Why lie about it if it just makes you look stupid and shows everyone that you’re still lying? In fact, I think I’ve had more shit to say about you than he ever has. So please, give up and just the shut the fuck up. You’re just as ugly on the inside as you are on the outside. And yes, I did lurk on your shit but only because I like to set you straight when you write up a lie. Don’t worry though, if you ever come across this post, it’ll be the last time I write anything towards you because replying to so many lies is tiring.

Lastly, don’t pray for his kids. I understand that prayers mean well but not when they come from people like you. In case you forgot (which I highly doubt) they didn’t get to see their father for a year because Y O U couldn’t handle him seeing his ex’s for 10 seconds to pick the kids up. For one whole year, he had to see his kids in secret because he was so afraid of the abuse he’d get if you ever found out about it. Acts like these don’t come from people who call themselves “daughters of God” you can keep praying and hoping that God forgives you for everything but remember that God only forgives those who tell the truth and ask for forgiveness that comes from the heart. So while you continue to hide behind the truth and continue to spread your lies, all of us will continue to call you what you truly are. A liar.

Anyway, luckily he and I met again and he left you for good. Now when he calls, he calls for me and not for you. It’s been a year now and he still flinches whenever I stretch out my arms to hug him thinking im going to punch or something.

It’ll take time for that trauma/abuse to go away but at least he believes me now when I tell him he’s worth everything. He went from “ kill yourself” every day to “ I love you’s”

He’s happy now. I don’t keep him away from his kids nor his family. In fact, I encourage it and I personally drive him to see them and bring them to our house. Now he gets to have a healthy relationship with the mothers of his kids and his kids get to have a perfectly healthy and loving relationship with their father.

He’s happy because he gets to be who he is without having to hide from me or be afraid of me.

He’s happy because he got away from you in time. God had good plans for him and I’m so thankful for that. I’m thankful that his suicide attempt failed because if it hadn’t I would’ve never had the chance to show him his worth and all you would’ve done is carry on making people believe that he was your great true love. That thought alone is sickening!!! People like you who can make up the most awful stories about someone and make themselves look so innocent all while destroying the life of someone else because they’re jealous and so desperate for any sort of attention that they go through such lengths to get it don’t deserve to be in this world.

In the meantime, go ahead and continue writing and saying all these things that only always make Y O U sound like the victim but remember.....the truth will come out and eventually people will realize that he was the one being abused. In your case, if it doesn’t, at least you’ll always live with that guilt. With that being said, I hope your “nightmares” keep following you and I really hope they make you miss him to remind you of the things you will never have again.

I’m not wishing you misery but I’m not wishing you happiness either. I do wish you well though.

Enjoy seeing us happy 🤍

Sincerely, me....the best thing after you.

[ms-ads]

1st syawal

Monday 26.6.2017 1.51am

It felt like everything in this family is tumblin down. Everyome does not respect each other, everyone does not care about each other, everyone is simply very very emotional. This is way beyond the family that i used to know.

I am very sad to see the situation here at home. I don’t know what i must do to help, even to help myself i am so clueless. Being clueless beacuse i have tried so many way to get this family together but it just couldnt happen anymore. Everyone is thinking of their own feelings.feeding their own ego,make it grow bigger when one day it will all explode.

There is no longer any unity in this house. Everything dissappear in a split if an eye. “Caring”,“loving”, “understanding” will only happen when something is needed/help needed.

I am beyond speechless, the family that i have always adore and look into has been destroyed.the family that inyearn every single second of my life now. A family where everything is perfect and ordinary like other families.

I miss my mom, i miss my dad, i miss my brother and most of all i miss my family!!

I know very well that everyone wants the same as me. To get back together and be a better family but none is doing anything.jone knows what to do. This house is full of bad aura and energy. Everything needs to be put back in place.

Mom and dad is getting more sensative,but i just don’t understand why my brothers just can’t make them happy even thought for a few hours. They are also getting sensative and rebel. I could see from the eyes of my parents, they really are very sad and dissapointed.

At times i ask myself what they really want. What is their motive of being this crazily egoistic. I just wang everything to stop! It is so not fair for me. What about me? I have feelings too but no one take it into consideration. Everyone wants to golow their own will and opinion then what about me? Must i live my life lonely and miserable just because i am working my ass of to make everyone happy. To meet to what people at home expectation of me? Im tired, i really am. I have to stop everything soon. Im getting fatter and this is all because of stress that i am facing rn. But i just don't know how to. Will everything stop after im gone from this world? Must i be gone then everything will get back as per normal? I am not liking all these coming to me, becausr of all these my health is at risk. I have not enough time to sleep. I have not enough time to study. And also i have tonns and tonns of work needs to be done at work. I did not procastinate my work at all. This is purely how much work i have and sooo little time to handle everyrything. My mind just goes bonkers. Im sick and tired of everything. I just want to rest in peace and stop all this heart ache and crying. I am just so so tired, dear god please do help me. I can't take all this anymore. I really can't. Love, ads