#im so stupid mad at mysslf for never being able to handle fucking anything
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#im rly mad at myself bc i was gonna go to a local queer art hang yesterday#but got halfway to the bus stop and had a full blown panic attack#and had to give up and go home#i know why it happened its bc i had a drs appt earlier in the day that went rly badly and i was already an emotional wreck#but i was rly hoping to make it to that event so i could cheer myself up and make some good good queer connections#but i freaked out instead and had to sit on a curb while i shook like a fuckin chihuahua#and now there's only 1 hang left this summer before it stops which i Will make myself go to no matter what#but still#im just. rly upset bc i wanted to go#i know some of the folks who attend and they're all rly fun and it would've been nice to see them and chill w them again#and im just. very fuckin upset idk#im Disappointed in myself and i Know i shouldnt be but i fucking am#im so stupid mad at mysslf for never being able to handle fucking anything#even when its something i rly rly wanna do#like#its just. getting to the point of devastating#i lost a lot of friends thru covid and my homelessness-mental breakdown-isolation-hospitalization years#and the few i still have r gr8 but i dont rly get to see them often#and i'd like to see them more often but ofc i cant make myself ask that bc oh look another impending panic attack#jfc im just. so done w my brain. i h8 living inside this stupid thing so fucking much its literal hell#I MISS MY FRIENDS#I MISS HAVING COMMUNITY#I FEEL ALONE ALL THE FUCKING TIME#see i can scream that into the internet void just fuckin fine but cant even reach out to ppl to be like 'hey. been a while. sup?'#just. UGHHSHSJSJ#like ya my agoraphobia is 10x worse since i got transphobically assaulted this month but like#even when its not for that reason i am still an anxious MESS all the time#and that shitty drs appt? was a psychiatrist telling me he refuses to prescribe me anxiety meds bc he doesnt trust me on them#and that im too dependent on them to cope/function. ummm. YA MY GUY THATS WHAT THEYRE FOR ??? TF ????#now that im off them i cant be in public w/o hyperventilating. fuck rite off dude i'll find a diff dr to renew the script who isnt a jackass
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