#im so so sick of this shit i already hate this new insurance

[foxboyclit]

my insurance doesn't cover prescriptions and im just now being told this

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

He makes me livid! I get so mad!!! I don't understand him at all. He makes me go UGH but in bad ways.

I went off on him first before I realised what his problem was... Like total accusations and misfit drama. All paranoid loca. I don't give a shit.

I draw conclusions and those were the most obvious.

But when you know someone... You have to remember their stupidity. One time he confessed... And I already had decided to break up with him... I was all I'm waiting till his dad dies then I'm done. He's a good friend when he tries but he doesn't make me,a priority. And so I hadn't told him. I just tired of him,upsetting me so I had to remove me.

So he said he wouldn't do anything for his pain,then, he would take 2x his Percocet with 5 shots of tequila then treat me like shit.

I really hadnt noticed. I was all "oh he's just in his mood where he's decided I'm not important to him"

And true enough when he told me his dad died I walked away from our relationship.

But honestly ... Years later... I missed him.. Because he treated me best. Because I say I walked

I mean I left, completely.

But despite his faults he's always treated me best. I mean person to person. He didn't give me what I wanted from,the relationship. But as a low key friend, he understood me the most

He understood i was scared to go to sleep and he would stay on the phone and help,me,sleep so I could. No one else can do that. My daughter, if she was sleeping with me. I could listen to her breathe and I could fall asleep that way. Because it would calm my r breathing if she was sleeping that calm sleep,breath

But he knew all what to say. And I never had to tell him or even tell him I was afraid to sleep or even admit it to myself.

I hope this helps some of y'all that are anti medicine as well.

I don't like hospitals or doctors (I like my personal doctors But aside from them) in general. I'm afraid of them. They make me hostile. I feel like theyre some dangerous S&M dungeon

Go and wait for hours to get bad news then they don't give you what you need because you're so fucking exhausted they don't understand. Or don't care or are the ones that like to kill patients.

So I like my doctors although I have to wait for hours to see them past my appointment time, they take extra time to see me and cover what I think I need. Their quality is worth the wait. I have 3. Primary, Pain and Urgent Care. And I use the computer urgent care where I leave an online message after finishing a long ass quizz through the insurance website.

And whatever pills they give me, I Google to make sure they were right. They always are. Im also interested in what else the pills cover. Like i take 2 different anti seizure pills for pain and one also for insulin sensitivity increase and metabolic increase. And i take an antidepressant that also covers fibromyalgia.

I have 13 prescriptions. Monthly. Some I have to take more than once per day. Plus i take vitamins.

Then I Google the pharmacy pills to make sure the pharmacy was right.

So.

I get it. Sometimes I don't want to take 13 prescriptions more than once per day or even at all.

But we need to know what we are taking and why.

And why it is important.

And we need to take our medicine. So we can survive

I think this information is especially important during this epidemic.

Now realize that antibiotics are not useful on viruses unless the virus causes a bacterial infection. Like.

A cold is a virus but in some people like myself and used to in my daughter, causes a severe sinus infection which requires antibiotics.

I know the point at which we need antibiotics and so i go to my urgent care lady because she understands and we just do a walk in. And i don't overwhelm my doctor who is taking time to give quality care and has long waiting patients.

But otherwise a virus does not respond to antibiotics. And anti-virus medications are quite rare.

Flu shot... But not a cold shot..

So we take over the counter medicine for our symptoms. Like coughing and runny nose

Sinus pressure in the eyes, nose, teeth. Jaw.

If you have a tooth ache you can take sinus medicine. Because the worst tooth pain is actually in your sinus cavity! That's a secret trick. Works every time.

So basically anytime you have facial pain that doesn't respond to Tylenol or ibuprofen or alieve, you can take sinus medicine. Also ear pain.

Google sinus cavities in the face and you'll see why.

Now an ear and sinus infection is a bacteria, usually but usually our bodies can fight it Well without an anti biotic. As long as it is treated with over the counter medicine. But sometimes, like with myself and my daughter, sometimes an antibiotic is needed..but that is after at least a week to 10 days of serious green overflow that doesn't respond to over the counter medicine.

Sometimes the bacteria is lab revealed by terrorists during the "flu and cold season" to create an income for pharmaceutical companies. For my daughter and i, they're usually too strong for our immune system.

Although since my ex husband left town, my daughter's immune system has significantly became stronger. While mine has not. So she needs less antibiotics, than I do.

Otherwise, my body can fight it on its own with a few doses of otc.

I had a tooth pulled a few years ago.. It created a pathway to my sinuses. I could rinse water in my mouth and it would come out my nose. I saw an ear, nose and throat specialist whom said i needed surgery immediately to repair my nose.

I said no thank you mother fucker

I had to have clearance from my cardiologist. So i took a stress test and failed. So i had to have an ultra sound. It wasn't good. But they said I could have the surgery since it was simple.

I said that's cool, but I don't want to.

I haven't done it. So I get sinus infection and pain quite often. My bone structure in my nose is center in my right nostril. Meaning it's really fucking bad

From being punched in the face a lot. The surgery sounds fucking horrible. And it's a cosmetic change.

I'm all nope. I'm a single mom. She don't take good care of me. I'll drown in the blood sliding down the back of my throat.

The tooth removal was so bad... It was horrible. There was blood every where for days... I can only imagine the nose surgery would be the same

I also hate the smell of blood. So I'm like no. It sounds like the most miserable thing.

If I had someone to take care of me and baby me like a little blood soaked lamb in need of care... That's s different story.. But I don't have anyone that would take care of me

After my tooth... I was throwing up the blood and my kid just stood there and stared,. Which I wanted to hide it from her I was sick... But I was in the kitchen and began violently puking in the trash can... Scared her to death

"Mom I'm scared"

"I am, too. This has never happened before"

So yeah fuck that nose. I got one crooked fucking nose. And it makes me sick.

She wants me to have surgery so I'll quit snoring.

Well.

Ear plugs are at the Dollar Tree, babe.

So y'all take your pills that you need

Some one cares about you

And they don't want to slap your face off. But you'll drive them to it. And a crooked nose isnt all its cracked up to Be. It pretty much sucks.

I can't even blow it Like a normal person....

[lenin-it-to-win-it]

just gonna rant about my health issues to no one in particular for a bit under the cut sooo

im just so fucking tired of being sick all the time like. its been almost 2 years now of actively Going To Doctors And Having Tests Done And Trying To Get A Diagnosis and fucking!!! nothing works!!! and i only have until the end of this coming school year to get it figured out before my insurance runs out otherwise im just fucked!!! because im sure as hell not gonna be able to afford a fucking mri every six months making 10 bucks an hour at some retail shithole but so far ive seen SIX different fucking doctors (not counting 2 ER visits) because they all just keep shuffling me back and forth like “idk maybe have someone else deal with this? weird lol” or like “have you considered that maybe you might have anxiety :) you seem stressed :)” 

like yeah its a fucking stressful situation getting progressively fucking sicker for two goddamn years wasting thousands of dollars and reaching the end of a fucking ticking clock because almost every doctor ive seen is an incompetent jackass who does NOTHING but waste my time and money and then fucking condescend to me about anxiety like!!! yeah i probably DO have anxiety and depression and autism and what the fuck ever else but this isnt THAT 

and the literal ONE TIME i had ANY treatment that worked AT ALL helping with my eye spasms (literally One of Many Symptoms that i deal with on a fucking daily basis that still manages to completely fuck up my life) is something i cant take anymore because it damaged my fucking eyes!!! possibly permanently!!! i already HAD issues wtih light sensitivity that this medicine made WAYYY fucking worse and guess whats one of the WORST things at setting off my eye spasms??? anything to do with fucking light so YEAH thANKS for that @ the opthalmologist who had me take those damn eye drops for two months straight, which other neuro opthalmologist said was bullshit when i saw her again, not that im letting HER off the hook either since she REFERRED me to that incompetent bitch in the first place and then had NO solution other than “hm well you definitely shouldnt take that medicine again, but theres literally No Other Treatment, maybe blow another $400 in a few months to come see me again so i can continue to Not Help You In Any Way”

and its getting wORSE ALL THE TIME!!! and the best thing doctors can think of is “hm well maybe wait a bit to see if it gets worse? and maybe then we’ll know what it is?” well its getting worse!!!! but they still dont seem to know what it is!!! like at first it was just my vision going out of focus for a few seconds at a time, then it was a few minutes, then i was having visual distortion (or maybe hallucinations? who knows! certainly not any of the fucking doctors ive seen!), then awful fucking eye strain headaches, then spasms in my neck, then my jaw, then my arms, then my legs, now all fucking over, and now i get sick and dizzy just by moving my HEAD too far or too suddenly and like at work earlier today i was just stumbling around for two hours bc there was too much pressure in my head and everything felt tilted and i was just grabbing at every surface trying not to fall with my head like on my shoulder bc keeping my neck straight was too fucking hard and i swear to fuckign god a couple nights ago there was this weird buzzing on the side of my face??? and like it felt like my mouth was moving slower than it should??? but i dont even KNOW if thats a Real SymptomTM or if i was just freaked out and tired and imagining things or if i really am just getting to be a paranoid delusional nutcase about my health because every little thing terrifies me at this point, like ive been coughing for a couple weeks and instead of being like “oh its a bad cold” im like “maybe now my immune systems fucked up too maybe this is A New Symptom” i literally cant tell anymore i have no fucking idea 

and i dont WANT to think about all this All The Fucking Time but i do!!!!! i literally HAVE to bc it affects my life in every fucking possible way and i cant escape it like even rn the light from the fuckign computer is hurting my eyes and i cant even see what im typing half the time bc my eyes keep going out of focus and my teeth keep chattering and my head hurts or ill go to get a drink of water but then just Stand there for a few minutes bc i dont trust myself to hold a cup full of water and not spill it bc im having spasms or ill have to wear sunglasses at the dinner table bc my fucking idiot asshole dad got the BRIGHTEST possible lightbulbs for the dining room and i physically cant stand them 

or like im already dreading having to explain all this shit to my professors this semester about how like “oh so i probably wont be able to keep up with daily readings, especialyl not if theyre on physical paper and i cant scale up the text because my eyes just spontaneously stop working and i cant read..... and ill need a computer to take notes, i can Usually hold a pencil but one time i had a spasm in class and flung it across the room and it was super embarrassing and i ltierally skipped that class for weeks because of it so id really rather not deal with that again.... and even though im a fuckign AMAZING public speaker like, state champion debate level public speaking, ill still probably get super fucking nervous and suck at any kind of in class presentation bc ill just be thinking about my spasms the whole time and wont be able to focus....... and ill have to wear sunglasses all the time too so hopefully thats not an issue........ and also ill probably miss a lot of class bc whether or not i can handle walking half a mile Varies Wildly from day to day and also i have a lot of doctors appointments and sometimes im on medicine that completely ruins my sleep schedule so you know... looking forward to a great semester, hope i dont completely fail your class” 

and i have fuckign work tomorrow where ill have to deal with trying to pretend like even the most minor tasks arent painful and difficult and deal with awful btichy entitled customers complaining that im not SMILEY enough for you like the motherfucker who asked me how i was and i said fine and he was like “jUuUUuuuST fINE” like shut the everlasting FUCK UP with that ive met my obligation leave me ALONE my day isnt FINE im in awful pain and i HATE you and everyone like you or ill have to deal with my coworkers giving me weird looks while im having spasms or outright MOCKING me for them like the asshole that called me TWITCH (and a whore, but thats Another Fucking Story) or just not knowing how to deal and making bad taste jokes like when my teeth are chattering bc I Physically Cant Make It Stop like “haha are you chewing an invisible piece of gum lol” like no bitch im a neurological nightmare and my brain doesnt work and im Barely Holding Together would you PLEASE shut the fuck up 

and most of the time i just feel like everyone thinks im a fucking freak like even just sitting in the waiting room to see the neurologist or opthalmologist or whatever and everyone else there is Old and im the only person even remotely close to my age there and even the doctors dont seem to take me that seriously bc of it like “oh shes young, cant be that bad, all these old people out here are gonna die like tomorrow so why worry about this girl, its probably just anxiety from being on her period or having a test to study for lol” like straight up when the movement disorder neurologist was examining me she was like “im not used to seeing anyone this young or healthy’ and i know she meant it relatively speaking but like!!! clearly im NOT healthy or i wouldnt BE here like obviously something is wrong with me and its ruining my life and its serious and id like it fixed thanks!!!!! 

and i feel like No One Gets It like, obviously there are people wayyyy sicker than i am who suffer a lot more or people in similar situations but like. i dont Personally Know someone like that i can just talk to and like, of course i have friends who can Listen but.................................. theres a difference from being able to listen and being able to actually Understand and sometimes you just cant Get It unless youve gone through it like i really dont think ANYONE in my life has any idea how serious this is or how much it affects me and i know i cant expect everyone to just Always Think Of My IssuesTM but little things!!! like maybe NOT having the brighest possible lightbulbs in the dining room!!!! my brother NOT having his birthday party at dave and busters, which i had TONS of spasms at last time i went (and im even worse now!) AND the staff gave me shit about wearing sunglasses so now im nervous about That too or just! idk! people respecting and listening to me when i tell them that i Cant Do Something or that Doing That Thing Hurts and not just brushing me off or telling me im overreacting and then getting all shocked pikachu face when their dumbassery actually physically HURTS me and i get pissed with them for it!!!!

i dont think anyone gets how much it scares me all the time or how its Always on my mind and i literally cant think about anything else like. this could be the rest of my life. this could end my life. i dont know what i have. i might get diagnosed in the next month and have it completely cured, i might get a diagnosis and still be sick forever, i might not find out until its too late and i have LITERALLY NO FUCKING IDEA WHICH ONE!!!! ITS GREAT!!!!!!!! WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

[soulfully-scarlett]

Being suicidal doesn’t mean that you’re necessarily going to go through with it.

Being strong enough to heal and overcome that urge takes a lot. I feel like people need to understand that.

Even those close to me sometimes say shit like “if they meant it they’d be dead already” and “they just want attention”

I am sick of these comments. This is the exact reaction that makes me scared to admit that I am suicidal. This is why I’m scared to get help. This is why I haven’t told anyone.

They say the same thing about self harm. I’m going to be honest I’ve struggled with it for almost 8 years now. This isn’t even like “oh she’s cutting herself because she wants attention” no I don’t want attention and I don’t cut myself. I do however scratch and pick at my skin to the point that I bleed. I tend to pull at my hair especially my split ends. Most of this is due to my severe anxiety.

I struggle with self hate and body dismorphia. My depression is severe and is continuously getting worse. My family is very rarely supportive and borders on emotionally abusive. There are outright times when it’s fully emotionally abusive and it’s shaped my mental health my entire life.

I have many physical medical issues. Many that cause other conditions. I’m told that my diagnosed disorders and disabilities are “all in my head” or “ just fishing for attention”.

I recently got in a wreck in my car. The car was totalled. I was rear ended on the interstate by an incompetent 16 year old who was both high and on his phone. I was in a complete stop in traffic and he hit me at full speed. I am told by my family that I wrecked my car and that it’s my fault. That my injuries are me wanting attention and excuses to be lazy. That me not working 2 out of my 3 jobs is causing them to fall behind on bills (because they steal my hard earned money). (Also I need to get a new car so I can go back to school and work, but my dumb father won’t let me get one and he’s spent all my insurance money on other shit already.)

Even my doctors have come to the point that they’re saying the same shit as my family.

Let’s put this in perspective... my left rib is pushed wayyyy out of alignment. So much that I cannot use my left lung to breathe naturally. It’s excruciatingly painful. My genetic disorder has become increasingly worse. I cannot even move my fingers without dislocations occurring.

BUT APPARENTLY IM LYING

I cannot keep down food for the life of me. It’s been 2 1/2 months since the accident. Believe me I’ve tried to eat. I try anything I can think of. It doesn’t work. I throw it all up for hours on end. Every fudging day. All because that accident messed up my lungs and possibly shifted things in my body. My gynaecologist believes that something is pushing on my stomach. She is the only one that admits that there is obviously something wrong. She saw my rib and was absolutely PISSED that nobody is helping me.

I’ve been to the ER twice and both times they refused to look at where my pain is and checked other parts of my body then sent me home after doing nothing. Both times I was there for under an hour.

The only people that seem to care about me would be my grandparents and my bf/ his family.

I’m so done with everything and I’m honestly ready to give up...

[punkscowardschampions]

Rio & Indie

Rio: Have you seen the paper yet? Indie: ive heard Indie: word be around Rio: 4 years, really weren't fucking around this time Rio: you alright? Indie: it aint 14 least 🍀 him Indie: im good ��✌ Rio: True, still Rio: Longest he's ever been away, isn't it Indie: yeah Indie: most chief he been tho Rio: Also true Rio: They even gonna trust him to deal on the inside at this point, like Indie: nah hes proper owned himself w this Indie: 💔💔💔💔 like Rio: Shame, could easy get up to the lucky 14 when he was caught, they hate that shit Rio: Well, least we know now Rio: Ma's already talking to the relevant people, making sure they know you're officially staying with us like so no one need come sniffing 'round now your 'caregiver' is away Rio: Laughable Indie: it aint no thing 4's nuff to be all grown Indie: safe Rio: Yeah but you ain't yet babe, you know how it is Indie: to the feds but how you said imma be covered its chill Rio: It will be Rio: You know we've got you Rio: D'ya want some time off School, 'cos I can so ask Rio: they don't need to know we'll just be chilling and not 💔 Indie: i aint tryna dash that idea bitch Indie: what kinda tourist is i Rio: Yeah, I didn't reckon so 😏 Rio: I'm out shopping rn so I'll get your faves in Indie: 💖💖💖💖 Rio: I love you bitch Indie: innit tho Indie: cant swerve me now youre wifed fr Rio: Never Rio: Anyway he's busy 'til end of June so party at ours fr Indie: wen daddys away 😏😏😏😂😂😂 Indie: u gon b 💔💔💔💔 over thats how you need me off school mama i 👀 you Rio: Exactly 😉 Rio: Cheek! Rio: I'm so concerned, how dare Indie: i aint kno how you b letting him back in dem posho ends looking that 🔥🔥🔥👑👑 is what im chattin Indie: he be even more peng since you 💍 that Rio: It's the tan Rio: Don't reckon he'll have much time to be cheating, babe, we good Rio: Daddy not going nowhere Indie: & the ink 😍😍😍😍😍 Indie: only on his exams 🤞🤞 boy gotta hit dem high grades Rio: 😂 Cool it bitch Rio: where's the love for my ink? Indie: ive seen yours long Indie: blind to it bitch 😂😂😂 Indie: nah but he virgin so u kno Indie: poppin his 🍒😏😏 Rio: Okay I'll give you that 😋 Rio: I make good choices Indie: he gon bring me a daddy downgrade posh boy back from london or nah? Indie: cos bout it Rio: Probably breaks some kind of trafficking law, babe Rio: and the monkey was cuter Indie: that 🐒 aint gonna 💸💸💸 me no ferrari tho Rio: Maybe Rio: take it down beach and charge people for pics Indie: you savage 😂😂👑 boss moves Indie: 👌👌👌👌 Rio: Gotta think big picture always baby 💖 Indie: tru 💎💎💎 Rio: I'll let you drive it 'round farm later Rio: but I'll be putting mattresses on every tree like Indie: serious? Rio: Yeah Rio: Don't be telling Buster and don't be tryna break the land speed record Indie: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Indie: OMF Indie: the lads are gon 💀💀💀💀 wen they been knew Rio: can take some pics for the flex on them, naturally Indie: this is so sick Rio: I know Rio: It's crazy Indie: wed never have believed this madness wen we was rollin in the 24 a few back Indie: dis how you livin girl Indie: 👑👑👑👑 Rio: I could never park that in the 24 Rio: Thank God these flats have got a garage Indie: innit tho Indie: your mans tryna get you merked w you just wed Indie: 😂😂😂😂 Rio: is it? Rio: get some insurance on me first, damn Rio: hardly worth it Indie: you worth more livin 💖💖💖😍😍 u kno Indie: he all bout dat brag too Rio: Aww Rio: So sweet 😂💘 Indie: fr Indie: gotta let me do my maid of honor tricks fore he dashes you or imma be vexed Indie: & gimme 👶👶👶👶s cos im hyped for all the youngers Indie: best big sister vibe innit Rio: 'Course Rio: I'll get to work asap, like Indie: ✌✌✌✌ Indie: u gon visit him or fr be here amp af til his schoolin done? Rio: Dunno, depends Rio: maybe for a weekend like but tryna let him concentrate and be here, like Indie: he not gonna concentrate if you aint there to ride him Indie: boys extra Rio: 😂 Rio: Oh babe, you saying the fate of his results lay in my 😻? Indie: 😏😏😏 u married him you aint need me to tell you how he do Rio: You funny Rio: I gotta be here though Indie: ?? Rio: For all y'all Indie: nah man Indie: days gone aint no drama Rio: Even if you good, Edie still ain't Rio: I should be about to help the 'rents out yeah Indie: if thats how you want it Indie: she been told? kno she aint reading no paper Rio: I think Dad messaged her but she never replies to them Indie: she get it from them least Indie: shit to hear it from the wasteman around Indie: heads @ school are loving chattin to me rn 🙄🙄🙄🙄🖕🖕 Rio: I know Rio: People are dicks Indie: so is drew Indie: gonna get chatted Rio: yeah, like you ain't been knew Indie: they aint care what i kno or say they just wanna talk what they wanna Indie: its bait Rio: yeah well you ain't gotta be 'round it now Rio: i got you a week off Indie: hectic Indie: you a real one like Rio: Literally the least I can do Indie: o that mean i can get more? 😂😂 Rio: I'm all about the hustle you know this Rio: depends on what you want tho Indie: imma think on Indie: make it good Rio: ✌ That's the attitude Indie: u kno Rio: Right, Imma get home and get cooking Rio: still wifey even if not in title Indie: 😍😍😍you soooooooo wifey 😍😍 Indie: mckenna best kno what he missin on Rio: No doubt Rio: who wouldn't miss all this? Indie: & he aint no tourist to it Indie: got this down u two Rio: Like to think so Rio: 😊 Indie: trust Rio: It is weird when he goes back to School Rio: how can you get married, legally, and still be in school, mad Indie: innit tho! i forget you aint proper 👵 &👴 Rio: 😂 Rio: imma have to start getting botox, like Rio: give me a complex Indie: naaaaah that aint how i mean Indie: u look 🔥🔥🔥🔥 but Indie: he got you domestic af Rio: Nuuh Rio: Ruuuuuude Indie: it cute Indie: jam ma Indie: 💘💘💘 feel the love 💘💘💘 Rio: Always be out here telling me I ain't a cool Ma 😜 Indie: roll w me now your mans away & we'll 👀 Rio: I'm 👏 letting 👏 you 👏 drive 👏 my 👏 new 👏 car Indie: aint mean you can hang in a party mood Indie: gotta keep up baby Rio: Bitch I taught you how to party Rio: The disrespect Indie: but when bitch Indie: it been long Indie: 👌👌👌👌 Rio: You gotta lay low-ish if I've jailbroke you but alright Rio: where we going Indie: cos im keepin on the dl ill put feelers out Indie: go further Rio: I can't drink though 😕 Rio: I'm on antibiotics rn 😒 Indie: is it? you can have drinks tho they just hit quicker Rio: Yeah, true Indie: ill keep you straight its all good Indie: trust Rio: 👍

[shadzennjakereak]

Thoughts of a vulnerable man and well, it’s my life story. Kinda

~~So to lead this off, this was a mostly comprised as a message I would send to my closest friend. But well, for archival purposes I wanted to leave this here on my dead af Tumblr account because, well that is what I use it for afterwards. So if some things read somewhat oddly, it is probably due to it being written as a letter in sorts for someone.~~

------ Well... hm.... I'll hit on the major things kinda like I have when I have done therapy in the past. So uh... when shad was a young boy, roughly around 10, I was at a mom's side family Christmas party and me and my female cousin of the same age, Erin, was playing around. Another cousin of mine, whos name I forget, was roughly 15 years old brought us to the basement and pretty much tried to make us fuck. So yes, I was partially molested as a child, LUCKILY my young brain kinda knew this was not normal and grabbed my brother, while im fully naked, and well he got involved and stopped it. However the entire family outside of the immediate, sided with my older cousin and well my family got cut out of my mother's side. As for Father's side, well they are all in Maryland so I have never met them.

Now fast forward a few years, im a shy kid whatever nothing much happens. We get into Highschool where I have my friend group and this one girl I'm hard crushing on who so happens to be my closest friend. Her name was Micky, very weird girl, always cosplaying and well... Everyone assumed we were dating because well even at school we were always like cuddling and shit, HOWEVER we never did. She pretty much had a sugar daddy the entire time and the one time I knew in Senior year that she was single, I asked her out and well, was rejected and pretty from there we stopped interacting. So I not only lost my closest friend, but also well felt the pain of rejection of the one who I was in love with.

Now suddenly in highschool I'm desperate to get laid after getting rejected and well, turn to craigslist, find a milf who takes my virginity, cool. While that was very vanilla it was a fun learning experience. I did know my baseline kinks at this point. I kinda immediatly learned all that early into my life. Highschool was easy going more or less. I had great grades without trying much and looked decent, despite only having a singular relationship, back in 8th grade, at this point so I kinda never had that confidence in me. Hm... well highschool passes and I reject a couple small scholarships for wrestling because I'm an idiot. I enroll into Eastern Michigan University.

This would be my first time away from home pretty much ever and adulting for myself. It went terribly. This is what broke me and has been the root of my mental issues. I went to some classes, did fine, but this mother fucking Friday 2-d art class was from 8am - 6pm. I was going for a computer graphics animation degree which I absolutely love to this day, but well I despise drawing and that was all this class was. I hated it so much and couldn't even wake up for it that I stopped going. I got scared of how my parents would react and hid this information until the very end of the semester where they found out. I failed that class and another due to attendance (despite having an A in the class itself).

I agreed with my parents to retake those two courses. I did, but immediatly into I fell back into the slump. I was alone again, only person close to me was Dra, my roommate. My friends from highschool never contacted me, and I ignored family. I was utterly alone so I decided to attempt to take my life. Due to a miracle Dra was there and prevented this. So I lived. However as the year went on I grew scared and frightful of going home, so I ran. I decided to work at Cedar Point which is in Ohio and has on-boarding rooms. So I went there without telling my parents why.

Eventually my father would gank me at Cedar Point and I told him everything that happened. He was just disapointed, but happy to at least talk to me again for the first time in honestly 1.5years. While I was working there I made close friends, as Dra also worked here and I met others. I at least started to feel some happiness again since leaving highschool. I had one relationship with  a girl while working there. It kinda ended due to her not accepting my kinks when I told her. I also had another girl who was interested in me, but she refused to date me because she didn't want to do Long Distance once we stopped working at Cedar Point for the season. Well, Cedar Point closed at the end of October for the 2016 season. I had to go back home.

I go back home with my family and just bum there. I am not looking for a job or looking to go back to class. I was only playing games, eating, and sleeping. Eventually my father got sick of my shit and got me a temp job at his workplace at the end of December of that year. I worked there for a month helping reorganize files for the Human Resources department to help them with their acquistion of another company. At the end of January 2017, they offered me a full-time job as a Human Resources Intern. I had no interest... but my father convinced me to take the job as a way to get paid schooling down the line. So I accepted.

Throughtout the year I do what I can, but my emotional state is all sorts of fucked. I am working a 8-5 job that is an hour away. I am not a morning person as you know. I wake up around 6am every day for this job and well, my body cant handle it. I got into a major car accident on my way home from work one day. I luckily had no injuries nor the person I hit, but my car got totalled. I continue working. I do what I can, but one of the woman I worked under hated my work. She was always critiquing me, giving me bs tasks to do, and just never really letting me feel like I do decent work, and never teaching me anything. I had no prior experience or education for this job for christs' sake! She wares down on my mental regularly.

It wasn't much better at home. My mother constantly is yelling at me to lose weight, that I look like shit, I need to take care of myself, I need to go back to school. She never complimented me. So my own Mother and this woman at work were 2 devils in my ears that broke me down more and more everyday with nowhere safe to hide. It destroyed me. However Acri comes along and says "Hi, here's Kelsey" around July of 2017. This was my first real girlfriend. Things were happy and great at first. She helped me with my mental and so on. However you know how her story arc goes.

Now back at work, it was October 2016. I get into another car accident after falling asleep while driving into work. I was right outside of the office when this happened, so everyone there knew this was happening. I get this taken care of with the police and the report. I go into my dad's office to avoid people as he offered to, and would let me file the insurance stuff. But, the woman who berated me regulary came knocking on the office door and saying "Hello? You ever going to come to your desk and actually do work today?" This is when I break... I shut the door on her and text my dad to come back asap. I tell him what happened and he agrees to fire me for unemployment benefits. I am unemployed yet again.

I go for most of October and November jobless. I eventually pick a job up at Panera Bread in December of 2017. I am still dating Kelsey, and we have met IRL a few times now. She despises my family due to a few stupid disputes. She refuses to hear rhyme or reason and just hates them without compromise. However working at Panera was nice. I met a lot of people there and was working evening shifts, so I had a regular sleep schedule that wouldn't cause driving accidents. While working there I need to leave home, my mother is still berating me and tearing me apart at home. I start looking into an apartment, and while doing so, Kelsey insists she needs to leave her home state of Pennsylvania. I feel like we are ready to move in together thinking things were okay. I settled on in apartment in June 2018.

After taking a week off, I move into the aprtment myself with my parents help, and Kelsey shortly after. My parents and kelsey had a major argument at this point. My parents insisted on having the apartment key to tidy up things while I spent the weekend driving to PA to move Kelsey's shit, and Kelsey despised this idea as anything my parents did was evil in her eyes. So they argued and argued. My mom also eventually would find my sex toy in my room back home and we had a major argument about those. She would call me the Devil's child and we never would really be on "friendly" terms again.

Well after moving Kelsey into my new apartment, I realize the mistake I made. She is useless as a human being. She does nothing to help around the apartment. I am working full time and the only one capable of driving. Kelsey would sit home and do nothing but eat and game. She did no chores, and if I asked her to, she would yell at me. We had no sex life either. She strung me along making me act like a father, driving her where she needed to go, buying her groceries, doing chores at home. I sacrificed everything and would never recieve anything in return. She eventually would break up with my at the start of February 2019. I was destroyed, but this was thankfully something that had to happen. While I was destroyed and heavily suicidal again, I eventually recovered and started going to therapy. Also mind you Kelsey was blaming me for things, she was saying how I needed to get better, how I was the lazy one, how I didn't do enough to make her happy.

So after about 2 weeks of devestation, I start recovering thanks to Acri and Nevan. They help me through this time, but I am however still stuck living with Kelsey for about 4 more months. She already has a new boyfriend. That, is oddly suspicious, but fine whatever. I play nice, I keep being Kelsey's father but I refuse to do any more cooking for her. She at the very least must feed herself. She starts to claim I'm abusing her and enjoy watching her suffer. March of 2019 she decides to have her new boyfriend visit. I am so against this and tell them to get a hotel room. Kelsey says they cant for a whole week, which was how long he was staying. We compromise on them having a hotel for the initial weekend, then they sleep on the couch of the apartment for the rest of the duration. Well this happens and I mostly just ignore them during this shit. Her new boyfriend, who was named in discord as, Dragon Daddy, finally leaves.

The following month Kelsey goes out to visit him, I finally have a week away from Kelsey. I feel great and so on. She eventually comes back, we get into more arguments on the regular. She eventually disappears randomly at the start of June 2019. The last month of the apartment. She is gone without saying anything and barely taking anything of hers. She doesn't respond to me for a days. I'm somewhat concerened but fine whatever. She eventually says she is gone and not coming back. She left her shit here though. Near the start of July I come back home from work. The apartment is TRASHED, about 50% of her stuff is gone. I guess she came by and took it without a word. She doesn't respond to messages. I move out in July and into a new apartment the following month.

Kelsey reaches out again and is asking to get the security deposit for our apartment, which I personally fully paid for. I tell her no and she has no claim to it. We argue about it until I block her because I refuse to deal with it. We packed the things she left at my apartment into boxes and send her a message that says she has one month to give us a shipping address or else it is all going into the trash. She responds with "Never contact me again, I refuse to talk to Jacob due to his abuse of me." I have not heard from her since.

And now we move onto the new stuff. I did start a new job in November of 2018 at Potbelly. It was nicer than Panera due to a lighter work load. And my life is starting to go up. I was recieving therapy which helped and eventually had to stop due to insurance not allowing more sessions. But I'm on an up trend. Things are going well, 13Noobz roster was going well until that exploded, so we talked and decided to find Lost Collective. It has its issues, but I am proud of it. And Due to LCST I have made wonderful new friends, and well of course Tay, being the best. I honestly do love you, and I'm happy to have met you and hope Acri makes you happy, as you deserve it. And of course everyone that has joined my Discord has been wonderful, and due to living with Brian, me and him have rekindled our brotherly bonds.

Of course I'm not perfect, especially mentally and physically. I don't look great, I still have depression, which definetly spikes up in Winter (seasonal depression). But, well, for now at the very least I can say I'm content with my life. I have friends who actually care about me for the first time, well ever. Acri has also recently come back into my life majorly which is nice. So I have my solid foundation of Nevan, Tay, and Acri. The 3 people closest to me. And of course I love interacting with the others. I just, well am not use to this. I haven't had friends since highschool, and definetly not ones who are as close to me as I am close to them. It's nice to have my own love and affection for my friends be returned in full.

[strawberryspeachy]

So I came home from Miami with a really bad cold - I wasn't worried I figured I'll just sleep it off but my mother freaked out and made me go to the doctor (because when I'm gone she cares about me) so I went and was rudely told I don't have insurrance... my health insurance was stopped a month ago and they never notified me

That's shitty in general but more so because a couple days later I've gotten a bunch of gynecological problems.... ones I'd REALLYY like to go see a doc about

Well my mother only cares about stuff for a second - she made me drive to the doc when I was super sick and felt dizzy and didn't wanna go - but now she doesn't give a fuck because I actually really do need help

She told me it's my fault I lost my insurrance because obviously one of the 50 spam calls I get a day was my insurrance and I just hung up on them!! Cause you know they wouldn't leave a voicemail or anything

And how dare I want any medication or worry about it

Like as if worrying that I have an std isn't bad enough I have this psycho woman screaming at me everyday

Today I asked her if she would like some garlic bread - she then came to the kitchen and told me I was in her way - as if it's a shocker that after I asked her if she'd like food I'd be in the kitchen cooking said food

And then she asked what I made with it

As if I was supposed to make her a whole meal and that if I had made someone elselse for myself I should give her some

The other day I went to a work meeting and it was soooo cold and I was still relatively sick and I came home thinking about making this ramen I have that I can only buy hours away - she came into the kitchen as I was cooking it and because it smelled good I should give her some because SHE WANTS IT AND IS HUNGRY

I HATE NOT HAVING REAL FAMILY. I HATE NOT HAVING THAT EMOTIONAL SUPPORT. I HATE THAT IM EVEN RELATED TO THAT PSYCHO WOMAN

Just since I came home she has

1) complained that we don't have a microwave (she broke the microwave - the 3rd one in a fucking year) but acts like this is a tragedy that's happened to her

2) screamed at me for asking her to clean the floor being that it's only fair since I've scrubbed it clean every time it needs it for the past 5 years - because she does SOOOO MUCH - including going to the laundry mat to do laundry but screamed at me for suggesting she help me convince my grandfather get a washer and drying (because she likes complaining that I don't drive her out to the laundry to do said laundry)

Um just screamed at me for random shit every day in general including some fit where she randomly went off on me for literally no reason at all and started calling me names then got angrier when I got angry in response

Someone left a mother and kitten at my farm again - the mom got hit on the road before we found them but we have the month old kitten now - my friend and I took her up near where she was found and put her in a tent hoping that any sounds she made might lure out her probable siblings that were hiding (it didn't) I came back to the house where my friend and I are playing with the kitten very visably and my mother asks if I brought the kitten back to the house - as if I just abandoned the kitten like an asshole

Later she told me to get away from her room with the kitten that has fleas because you know - if we get fleas she'll be sparred from them cause she's just so much better than the rest of us and two days later told me I have to feed the kitten - as if I I'm stupid and hadn't already been feeding the kitten --- literally yelling at me about this kitten like I'm the one who abandoned her

This is mind you the exact way she acted toward the last kitten we saved and have to feed milk --- she's mean and tosses the kittens away (literally tosses and then acts like she's a nice fucking person) when I yell at her for being cruel to them she screams at me that SHE DOESNT WANT TO DEAL WITH THEM ITS NOT HER JOB --- the kitten we had to feed milk she would dunk her face into the milk and yell at her to drink or else she wasn't gonna eat and screamed at me for daring to ask for help despite the fact that I was working at the point - something that woman has refused to ever do

Then she flipped out at me for giving the kitten away to someone who actually wanted her because THAT WAS HER KITTEN- she only started calling her her kitten when I said I might have found someone to take her

I also told her she could keep the kitten if she was going to be nice to her and take care of her properly and not expect other people to do it for her and she made her usual 'feel bad for me I'm such a victim' face and said no she didn't want her cause the correct way for me to handle that in her eyes is "I'll take care of this kitten but you can call her yours"

I fucked up the other day and while trying to get rid of the fleas on the kitten and stop them from going on my other cats I used frontline...... for dogs and then had a panic attack and washed all my cats and cried thinking I might have killed them all (luckally they're all fine) but I said it and my mother started yelling at me about how stupid I am for something about the frontline but not even the issue that was at hand - as if she didn't take out puppy outside without a leash (which we all told her never to do 10000000 times) but she knows best and as a direct result of her thinking she could call a puppies name and he'll listen - he got hit and killed on the road -- that was an accident that's not her fault at all in her mind btw

Like jfc I don't wanna be back in this house... i wish she had never moved into my house

Like it sucks because even if I got her kicked out my grandfather has gotten used to her taking over my moms role of taking care of him - he thinks someone should take care of him even though he's fully capable of taking care of himself - but refuses since my 1930's mindset mom and great grandmother treated him like a child his whole life and I don't wanna cook his meals and fix his stuff and call people for him and wake him up for work

And quite honestly the only thing she does that I actually like that would need done is make sure my mom eats and takes her pills - and my mom now acts like a 2 year old who doesn't wanna eat their broccoli with every meal so... yeah it is actually a fucking pain

My whole life I've wanted a boyfriend for companionship and emotional support and someone to actually celebrate occasions with since my family sucks... and for the past 6 I NEED ONE SO I CAN MOVE OUT OF MY HOUSE WITH HIM LIKE EVERY OTHER COUPLE I FUCKING KNOW

I wanna die being stuck here with all of this bullshit

Like my mom is basically gone now... not like she was when I freaked out in the summer - she's much better than that but now her only responses to you talking to her is to immediately laugh before you even finish speaking if she likes you ----- if you don't sound happy she either makes a surprised face or a face like she'll cry - whichever she thinks is the face you want to see ---- she has no idea what I'm ever talking about

If I ask her a question she starts trying to answer whatever one popped up in her head first or goes off the first word you say for example: I say "where" she'll immediately start looking and walking around. She has no new input to anything she has memorized her answers to the most common subjects people talk to her about and she'll recite the same answer no matter the context of the conversation and if it's a topic she doesn't have a memorized answer to - it's a free for all - she'll still recite an answer

She didn't even tell me happy birthday this year unprovoked.... I feel like maybe I used up all my sadness... or I'm just too angry... but I can't even be upset by it anymore... I'm starting to forget what it was like for her to be all there... I'm forgetting what real conversations with her were like.... like all I can remember now are the times when it was apparent she was getting dementia ... things that's she says that she used to say... I remember the things she did and what life used to be like... I remember the things she said over and over again... but I don't remember our actual conversations

Probably because the last time my mom was ok I not only was in that phase of my life where parents are just sooooo embarrassing but I was depressed and detached from life and angry all the time... I don't remember much of what anyone said...