#im so miserable and lost and i feel so unloved

[evilmom]

🌱.

[vxlentinescookies]

This is a sequel of the previous Dark Cacao one were they fought and everything

Things have calmed down now, the awkward moment has open space for some time, peace and some further talks

But Dark Cacao has come into term with a little something

He likes Reader Cookie: (use any pronouns) are/is strong, resourceful, agile and very skilled, he could see so much potential, and it's a surprise to find someone who not only knows their way in a fight, but ALSO can match HIM

He wants to ask her out, the issue is: how!?

He was not a single clue, time to ask his soldiers for advise I guess?

Maybe even contact hollyberry?

(To resume, this is Dark Cacao finally knowing he likes Reader Cookie, asks others for advise to ask them out and fails miserably, but Reader Cookie is so amazed at the brave [though failed] attempt that decides to give the idea of a date a try)

→ ❛Between the sword and your opponent, pt. 2❜

→ Pairing ; Dark Cacao Cookie x Reader → Quote ; ❛❛It surely didnt go according to plan but, to say Hollyberry, who had been listening intently from behind one of the pillars, wasnt satisfied, would be an understatement.❜❜ → Genre ; Drama , Romance → A/N ; This was very fun hahah, pt 1 is here!

Its been a good few days after the incident, the one where you shamelessly flirted with Dark Cacao in the middle of a fight. To say the king hadnt been thinking about it was… an understatement, he had thought about it, quite a lot. It had leaked into his daily like like the growing vines of grapes, and in return, they were twisting and shaping around his brain like a deadly respite. This, paired with the following talks you both had about the help the kingdom of Rose Champagne wanted to offer to the kingdom of Cacao, and the inevitable flirting that came with your personality, Dark Cacao seemed to inevitably start falling in love. It was a force of nature he didnt expect, that he didnt take in consideration, but as time passed, he realized that these feelings were ever present, and that there was no way he could keep them hidden.

Love, for Dark Cacao, was something he had long since given up on. He no longer seeked it, and he no longer expected it, especially after the falling out with his previous wife and the loss of his son, that he still deep down loved dearly, he no longer felt he had a place in the grounds of love, therefore, he simply stayed on his own place, allowing himself to be moved by the currents of life while focusing on the current moments with his kingdom, his subjects, and the war ever present with Dark Enchantress Cookie.

Thats perhaps what made this moment the more jarring to him, to be flirted with after he felt unlovable, after he felt undeserving of being loved—And then, the fact that his heart was starting to beat with fervor and energy yet again, for someone he once hurt unintentionally… It put his mind and heart at a standstill, confused as to how to proceed, confused as to what to do exactly.

“Damn, sounds like you’re deep in the trenches of love, old friend” Hollyberry would tell them once Dark Cacao sought them out for help, after all, out of all his comrades, the hollyberrian was the most capable when it cames to matters of love.

“Sigh, Im just, confused as what to do… I’ve given up on love a long time ago…” He said, looking down for a few moments, before turning back at her.

His hands were tainted with blood, and his mind haunted by the warriors long lost in the wars the cacao kingdom had been part of, not to mention the small guilt that followed him for having fallen in the trap that was Affogato’s tricks. He sighed yet again, because then there was you, someone hurt unintentionally by his hand, even if he was under the tricks of the snake, he still felt like he owed his people something. 

“Oh c’mon, rid yourself of that long face, Dark Cacao!” Hollyberry would snap him of his thoughts, as she’d laugh heartily “Its clear what you must do, you must act upon your emotions!”

“Act… Upon my emotions?” He felt like he stayed in square one, unable to think of what exact way to move thorough this new challenge. “Right, but, how exactly?”

“You speak as if you hadnt been in a marriage once!” She spoke yet again, frowning for a moment before patting his back lively, and perhaps a bit too strongly “Fret not! What you must do, is confess and ask her out on a date! Dosent that sound logical?”

Right, a date… If only he wasnt rusty in these themes, perhaps the idea would’ve seemed more appetizing, but as it stood, he was confused and didnt know exactly what to do or say. Hollyberry, noticing this, would just sigh and shake her head, she thought Pure Vanilla was THE challenge in the ancient’s groups when it came to love, but Dark Cacao? Now he was winning second place.

You had been resting in your quarters, quietly taking a nap when it happened, a soldier knocking on your door causing you to wake up startled, and once the door opened, you would look confused at the soldier in question, looking at you with seriousness as he spoke the words sent by his majesty. He was requesting your presence in the throne room, words that left you dumbfounded as you brushed hair out of your face before nodding. You didnt put much thought about it, as you dressed to come see Dark Cacao in the throne room.

Walking towards the castle suddenly felt colder than usual, and your steps felt heavier, as if you were expecting something bad to happen, but thinking about it, the worse that could happen would be Dark Cacao shaming you and sending you back after your constant flirting… which didnt seem to be the case, if anything it did seem quite… out of character? The king didnt seem to be that fazed by your flirting, so… But on the other side, you could be expecting the end of the trip as he declared that all was well, and that the Cacao Kingdom would continue relations with the Rose Champagne Kingdom… Not really out of character and far more viable… still, if it were to be the case, why were you hesitating? Why were you feeling so heavy? Confused, you simply approached the door before stopping.

Were you, were you falling in love? No, there was no way, there was simply no way that you were falling in love with the King of the Cacao Kingdom, was it…?

“Your majesty, I’ve arrived…” You spoke as you finally took a step inside, bowing in front of the king, before he’d dismiss the other cookies in the room, letting you both alone in the room. “Is there, something you wished to discuss with me?”

“Yes, ahem… (y/n) cookie, there are some matters I must get to… involving you”

You lifted an eyebrow as he spoke, his nervousness apparent as he left the throne and walked towards you. Each step felt dangerous yet filled with a certain sense of unknown that scared you in some way. Yet you persisted, until he was right in front of you.

“Will… Ahem… Will you go on a date with me?”

“Huh?”

Now it was your turn to be taken aback. You stared at him dumbfounded as you felt all your worries and fears fade away into the dark. He looked at you curiously and you simply coughed before looking at him, smiling.

“... S-Sure, I dont mind!”

“You dont have to if you dont want to…”

“No-No, I do want to! Lets go on a date!”

It surely didnt go according to plan but, to say Hollyberry, who had been listening intently from behind one of the pillars, wasnt satisfied, would be an understatement.

[crumb-crumblet-s-crumbington]

hi, i really love your art!! (it's so cute and is singlehandedly feeding my RE obsession fr, thank you so much ^_^) do u have any playlists or songs that remind u of the games/characters?

OH YEAH BABEY I WAS WAITING FOR THIS!

ethan:

when i was done dying - dan deacon

evil - interpol

SAD- lemon demon

hermit the frog- marina and the diamonds

watching him fade away - mac demarco

the outsider- marina and the diamonds

chateu (feel alright) - djo

passing out pieces- mac demarco

dead or alive- oingo boingo *

poor grammar- roar *

chris:

gotta be a reason - alec benjamin

heaven knows im miserable now- the smiths

lonely zone- vansire

karl:

power freaks- jean dawson

community gardens- the scary jokes

kiss me son of god - they might be giants

eveline:

maybe- flower face

the tv made him do it- moon walker *

mia:

rules- the hoosiers

our word -36 questions

youth- daughter *

miss dimitrescu:

when a woman is around- unloved

mithan:

the truth -36 questions

MIA- chakra efendi

birds dont sing - TV girl

yr the best - carpet garden

care- TEMPOREX

no children - the mountain goats

lost kitten- metric *

rosemary: *

wild sage (cover) - claypup (the mountain goats)

wintersberg: *

evil side- the dirty nil

me and mr wolf- the real tuesday weld

( if i update i will reblog :3)

(* means recently added)

updated:

1/28/23: added a song to ethan, mia, eveline, mithan added rosemary and wintersberg section

(btw these arent songs that i think they would listen to, these r songs i could explain why every single line of lyrics relates to the charcter and how i can imagin a entire animation to it)

[himbos-hotline]

hey! while it’s disheartening and sucks to get hate comments, you should try to remember that the fics you write should be purely for your enjoyment. it’s stuff you like and want to share with the world, and some people find it and end up liking it a lot! you’d be surprised how many people probably read your fics and love it but don’t say anything bc they’re shy. unfortunately, there are a lot of hateful people on the internet and they will do anything to try and bring you down. you should try your best to ignore it (i know you probably don’t wanna hear this but it’s true). another way to get rid of hate is turn off anon on tumblr, if anyone sends you hate after then you can block them. you can also restrict comments on ao3. if you ever get a hate comment on ao3, you can also block or remove (i think) the comment. trust me, there are a lot of people who LOVE your work. just continue doing what you love. if you have haters, they’re most likely just jealous or miserable people. sorry for the long note, hope your day is good!

anon this is gonna sound really mean and I am PROMISING that it isnt, but I kinda just, need to reply to little bits of this message like were having a convo and im not arguing, im just..tired of being told the same thing [again not mad, clarifying stuff]

you should try to remember that the fics you write should be purely for your enjoyment

yes I know that, so is people baking or drawing. but if someone gets told "this cake kinda sucks." or "your drawing is wrong." they seem to be allowed to get upset but with writing its just "well youre writing for yourself!" Yeah, I know that and I am. But if I was writing for myself, I wouldnt be sharing it. People wouldnt be requesting it. if it was just for me. I wouldnt have an ao3 account. im writing for ME but im posting and sharing for other people, the people who ask for said fics, people who are my friends, people who like the ships, the fandom cuz fandoms simply do not exist without fanworks, not creations. were not getting paid for this. AT ALL! Like you cant do fic commissions cuz youre just sitting fanfic and fandom culture back YEARS AND YEAR.

I am writing for me, why do writers always get that? why is it never "but youre editing for yourself" or "youre making gifs for yourself" or "well you are drawing for you."

and end up liking it a lot! you’d be surprised how many people probably read your fics and love it but don’t say anything bc they’re shy.

Please get over that shyness. Thats what anons are for, thats for like guest comments are for on ao3. thats what reblogs and nice tags are for. thats for recommending fics on PUBLIC spaces, not discord servers youve made privately. Please tell fanfic authors that you like their fics, please leave comments and draw fanart or whatever you want to do just share it with us! because otherwise writers are going to feel unloved and lost and NOT write anymore and then fandom spaces will, im sorry die cuz the whole point of fandom is we inspire each other, we lift each other up!

im sorry for ranting back at you anon, this ask was really sweet but there was just points that I had to put out, things I had to say because it gets kinda draining being treated differently as a writer than say an artist. Its just like if I drew, like really instead of once or twice a year. People wouldnt be going "youre drawing for yourself." also just the weird diconnect between like, people who write and other people who are making things in fandoms is upsetting because it takes so much work, so much dedication.

like sometimes it feels like people forget that me personally, am disabled and chronically ill. Im currently fighting off pheumonia, ive just gotten out of a very abusive and manipulative relationship where him not liking my writing was a big way he would control what I would do. writing is harder than what it should be right now. But I do love writing, I adore getting requests and every nice comment I get I reguarly go back to read and it means so so so much

[xxsword-lover-emoxx]

Continuing the saga of me venting so thats whats under the cut

So. Its been 2 days since we broke up. And things suck. Him being so close with one of his friends kinda hurts. I know that they are touchy with everyone. But the sight of him cuddling with someone else still hurts. Just like him joke-flirting with them. Turns out he has been doing that eversince they know eachother...so during our relationship too. I dont mind.... Its just. Im miserable over the fact that i lost him, and being just friends from now on sucks. I look at him longing just like i used to in school, i tear up randomly throughout the day realizing things will never be the same. He'll never love me the way he used to. That friend i mentioned, told me, that i will have to stop waiting for him to come back becouse i'll end up waiting my whole life. I mean he is doing very well. He is just as happy. He doesnt know how much i miss his love. Today i was hanging out with him and that friend of ours i mentioned. I needed to cry a bit so i told them that i had to go to the bathroom. An old trick i havent had to use for a long time. I cried a bit, cleaned myself up, and went back. He immediately asked me if i was crying. Instinctively i lied. Of course i lied. Our friend told me that they thought i was crying or having a panic attack or something. Yeah, i'll totally ruin the mood and tell both of them that i feel like shit, i wantthe person i love most to love me back, and that i hate that he seems to like his friend more than me, even platonically speaking. I cant even be poetic about this shit anymore im just upset. I also brought up, that an old classmate of us told him back a few years ago that she would fuck him in a few years. He got all excited, that he would have a chance (if she didnt have a boyfriend). I told him that he could just go and sleep with her, but he doesnt want to hurt my feelings... Ffs i love him. Why didnt i stay the way i used to be. If i did we would still be together, and he would love me back. Im so fucking tired. Why am i so shitty. Why am i unloveable. Why cant i change back. Life was so nice. It was the best time of my life. I just want him back... i just want him to look at me as lovingly as he looks at our friend. I give it 3 months and they'll be crushing on eachother, if not already making out in his room like we used to. Fucking hell. Im not angry at him. Im just upset that things turned out this way.

I love you. So fucking much.

What i wanted was never just getting to kiss you, it was you also loving me, and us, being happy fogether, for a very long time, becouse I know forever doesnt exist. But my dream, was becoming that old couple on the street, still holding hands. Becouse dreams are allowed to be unrealistic.

I hope you'll miss me at some point, and you'll come back. I'll be here. <3.

[mourningwithmagicians]

Dear J,

This is the longest I've gone in adulthood without speaking to you. I know you're thinking about me. I'm constantly thinking about you. It feels like my hurt has gotten so much worse. I hope that for you it has gotten better.

I laid in bed last night and told myself: "this is real life. this is not a dream. he is not yours anymore. this is real life. i hope you realize that. this is a choice. this will affect the rest of your life." I couldn't sleep. I miss you. I miss knowing your arms belonged to me. I miss your head resting on my chest. I miss the smell of your hair. I miss your smile. I miss your sweet voice. I miss your eyes.

I also feel so ugly inside and out. I can't sleep and feel so depressed that you can see it and feel it. I have to drink so much coffee to have even marginal energy. I feel like the worst kind of person. I am working 7-7. Sometimes, I am working 7-8. It's miserable, but it allows me to forget you for large chunks of time. The misery of work makes the loss of you more bearable. It requires me to compartmentalize my feelings until I am in bed and can allow myself the time and space to process.

What I am processing is that I am not okay. I hate myself. I was the best version of myself with you, and I have lost that. I have nothing to look forward to. I don't want to go to chicago, i don't want to go to taylor swift, i don't want to be around people anymore who are not you. fuck it's so hard to listen to their stories and know that everyone knows about us when they don't fucking deserve to know anything. fuck i hate it all. i hate this it's so hard.

im having the hardest time tolerating pictures of knitting and of ceiling fans and hearing about how everyone knows what happened between us. nobody should know. nobody gets to know. i am so mad about that irrationally. if people don't know then it's not real. but it's so much worse like today when someone asked about you, innocently of course. what do i say? it broke my heart. i saw a picture of the group, including us, last year in chicago framed in her home. fuck i hate all of it.

i am just really sad. it's hard telling people that i am okay because i know nobody wants to hear it. nobody wants to hear about how i lost the love of my life because i was selfish. i was wrong. im so sorry. you're the love of my life.

i am so unloveable but you loved me. you touched every part of me. you desired me. you valued me. and sweet J, i loved you. i showed you how much, i still do, i will never make love that way again. nobody ever gets to touch me that way again.

more than anything, i am just so. fucking. numb. so. depressed. so much rage. so much anger and annoyance at everything.

how did you ever love me? im finding it really hard to process that. i am not a good person. i am not patient, i am not kind. i was not there for us in the home stretch. we could've been married right now. i still want to have your babies. i wish we would've just done that fuck it all and just lived our lives.

this will be my biggest regret. i am unloveable and horrible and you took all that away from me and now it's all back. i hate the version of myself i am without you basically a living breathing shit filled monster. i dont want anybody else i want you.

[compassionatereminders]

in quarantine i came to the conclusion that my problem is basically me, i’ve been told ever since i was a little child that every person’s worth is based on their body, social status, and money. at the time, my father had a great job, i was born “skinny” and everyone i know kept praising me for that. my childhood was filled with comparisons, whether it was about who’s richer, who’s prettier, skinner etc. i was miserable and i was never grateful for anything, super insecure, filled with hate and never satisfied. anyway, later on my dad quit his job and lost all of his money (not that he was rich, but he had some), i gained a bit of weight in middle school, and grew into a depressed suicidal teen who felt completely unlovable, unworthy and developed an eating disorder. SO by the time i graduateed, during quarantine i realized that had to change, i had to have a goal in life otherwise i would’ve killed myself because i truly thought my life was meaningless and i couldn’t make sense of anything, so i set goals for myself, healthy ones, and i decided that my worth is going to be based on the person im going to become, it was great for a while but now i feel worthless again and i cant keep up with people because im not that person “who im planning to become” yet, because loving and caring for others isn’t possible when you dont love yourself, any advice..?

Just because you can't decide to recover and be happy from now on until forever doesn't mean that working on yourself isn't worthwhile. It honestly sounds like you're expecting too much from yourself too fast. It's normal for recovery to feel like one step forward and two steps back. That's not you failing at life, that's a direct result of healing not being simple or linear. So I'd revisit those goals of yours and see how you can move forward from here. Just because you aren't where you want to be yet doesn't mean you aren't getting anywhere with this journey. So try not to be too hard on yourself. You're obviously working on you and that's all you can do.

[angstysebfan]

Choices - Chapter 10

Pairing: Steve X Reader, Bucky Reader (not Stucky)

Summary: You fall in love with a super soldier, but after a decision that leaves you heartbroken you find yourself needing to decide where your heart truly lies.

Warnings: Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempt, depression

Over the next few weeks you started to slowly improve, but would still have a lot of bad days. Bucky was there through it all, and always stayed patients, never pushing you to do anything out of your comfort zone. You appreciated his support through this, and you both continued to get closer as time went on. But Bucky was respectful of you needing to heal, and never made you feel like he was pressuring you into a relationship.

You knew you still needed time. You still hated yourself more than anything, which at times seemed strange to you. Bucky would constantly tell you that you did nothing wrong, and that the blame lies solely with Steve and his decision, which you know is right. But, you can’t help but think the reason Steve did what he did, was because you were not enough.

You started to look back at your life and your previous relationships and realized that your boyfriends were always the one that left. Maybe you are just not enough for anyone. Maybe Steve made the right choice and picking you to die, so that wouldn’t have to go through this terrible life alone. Maybe Steve did you a favor.

Once those thoughts came into your head, it was hard for them to leave. Your bad days started to become more frequent, as your wish to do anything to get rid of the pain was stronger than ever. Bucky started to panic because you would zone out and not listen to him, you weren’t eating, and he was really afraid to leave you for a moment.

One day you were walking alone around the lake, making sure to sneak away when Bucky wasn’t looking. You thought of all the ways you could just end the pain, and then finally be free. You decide to go for it, and ran to a large rock formation on the side of the lake. You climbed to the top and grabbed one of the boulders that was light enough for you to lift, but heavy enough to weigh you down.

You fell backwards into the water, making sure the boulder stayed on top of you. As you began to sink to the bottom, you thought about how you were finally going to be rid of the pain. Then you thought about the promise you made yourself about trying for Bucky. Sweet, loving Bucky. He has done everything to make you feel comfortable. You thought about how terrible his long life has been, and how he somehow made it to the other side and is happy again.

It made your pathetic problems seem insufficient in comparison. Suddenly you are regretting this decision and try to push the boulder off your abdomen, but with the weight of the water, it’s not moving. You start to panic thinking about how devastated Bucky will be when he finds out what you have done. You keep pushing, but the lack of oxygen is getting to you. As you are slowly fading into the darkness, you feel the boulder move and arms wrap around you.

Next thing you know you are being carried out of the water and placed in one of the lounging chairs by the house. “Y/N? Open your eyes for me, please?” Bucky begs. You are taking deep cleansing breaths of air to fill your lungs and finally open your eyes to look into the panicked blue ones. 

“Bucky! I’m so sorry!” you say as you throw yourself in his arms. Bucky holds you close to him and whispers comforting words of encouragement. After awhile you pull away and look at each other. You clear your throat, “I... I’m so embarrassed. I’m so sorry, Bucky. you have done so much for me and here I go and do something like this.” you say crying. 

Bucky cups your face in his hands and wipes your hears away. “Doll, it’s okay. The main thing is that I got to you in time. Just, please don’t do that to me again.” he begs, tears coming to his eyes. Your heart breaks when you see how emotional he is. You climb into hi lap and hug him, whispering how sorry you are over and over again. 

--

That night after you both shower and get into warm clothes you both eat the dinner Bucky had been preparing. He was so happy to see you eat, and you didn’t realize how hungry you were. After you were done, you started to head upstairs to your room and saw Bucky put out his pillow and blanket. “Bucky?” you call to him. He looks up at you in question. “Can you come sleep with me? You... you help keep the nightmares away.” you say, blushing. 

Bucky’s heart started to pound in his chest with love. “Uh... sure. No problem.” He said, trying to keep his voice even. He followed you up to your room and allowed you to get into bed. He laid on top of the covers on the other side, making sure to give you room. 

“Bucky, come under the covers,” you say. He looks at you for a moment before standing and lifting the covers and sliding in next to you. You shift until you are curled up against his side. You both lay there in the darkness silent for awhile. Finally you wanted to tell him what happened.

“I regretted my decision no long after I went into the water,” you say softly. Bucky shifts slightly to look at you. “I thought... I thought it was going to make everything better. I know you have said that it wasn’t my fault that Steve did what he did, but I couldn’t get it out of my head that maybe it is me.” Bucky continues to look at you in silence, letting you get your feelings out.

“Every boyfriend I have ever had left me. Maybe I am just unlovable, I don’t know. Steve’s decision just made it seem like it was something I did, and that he was trying to... get me out of my miserable life by letting me die.” You gulped and looked at Bucky who looked back, not with pity, but concern.

“When I went into the water I was so happy it was finally going to be over. Then I started thinking about the promise I made to myself to try and get better for you. Then I thought about how your life has been so much more horrible than mine, and here I am trying to kill myself. If you were able to make it through after everything you have been through, maybe I could do it too.” you say.

Bucky sighs, “First of all, you are far from unloveable. You are sweet, kind, funny, and beautiful inside and out. Steve was an idiot and I want to kill him for what he did to you.” Bucky paused for a moment. “The reason I am here is because I know how it feels to be so low and lost that you don’t think there is ever going to be a point in your life that you have happiness again.”

He shifts more to look at you better. “I promise, Y/N, the happiness will come. You deserve a long and happy life, and I am making it my mission to make sure you get that life. I... don’t make your demons feel insignificant to mine. They are yours to fight, and the fight is just as hard as mine was, but you have me beside you.” he says as he brushes hair away from your face.

You didn’t realize you started crying during Bucky’s speech, but here you were, crying. Not because you were sad or disappointed, but because with his words, some of the darkness in you started to crack, and light was starting to peek through. You pulled Bucky into a hug, “Thank you Bucky. I... god I love you.” you say.

Bucky pulls back and looks at you in shock. You have said those words plenty of times, but he knew the meaning behind those words were different this time. You nod looking at him, “I do. You are the best man I have ever met. You have shown me what love really is in the short time we have been here. I know that I am still not ready, but I do.... I love you Bucky.” you say.

Bucky smiles at you, “I love you too, Y/N. And I know that nothing will happen for awhile, but I have been wanting to tell you that for along time.” he says with a laugh. You smile at him, “You’re right. I am going to get better, because I have you here to help me.” you say.

You snuggle into Bucky’s side and sigh. “I don’t know when I’ll be ready for any type of relationship.” you say. Bucky kisses your head, “Doll, as I have said a million times before. I am not going anywhere.” 

You allow the warmth and butterflies to take over from the kiss on your head. You had a set back, but once again Bucky was there to save the day and put you back on course. You knew there were dark days ahead, but with Bucky there, you would always have light with you to fight it.

--

Chapter 9 / Chapter 11

Okay... yea... After this chapter, we will start getting more into Steve and what he has been doing. As well as what will happen when the reader goes back to the compound. There will be a time jump just to move the story along. Feedback is appreciated.

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[njeancastro316]

Whatever it takes

Another snippet from my original female character and Elijah story. Please read the short snippet Always and Forever first .Here I introduce her twin sister Daliera which you’ll see a bit more of her in other snippets I have. I know I haven’t given you much info as to what she is , just know shes an ancient entity for now . (Please dont kill me) I’ll change things to keep with the storyline of TO or I wont . These are things that pop in my head 🤪.

Friendly reminder English is not my first language , there is some spanish words thrown in there which will be translated at the end. Love you guys, please reblog, like, enjoy , leave a comment whatever you like. Your support means a lot 🤗😘

Kudos to the giff owner

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

10 years had past since she witnessed his death and her pain never lessened. It grew worse every time she came to pay her respects. She often wished to have died with him , maybe in death she’d be at peace or feel nothing at least. She sobbed,tears poured down her cheeks.

“Elijah ... mi amor porque me duele tanto , porque no puedo olvidarte . Te extraño tanto”. Her hand clutched her heart again. “Daría todo por verte una vez mas” she felt an unwelcome familiar presence.

“You’d give anything to see him again huh”? Y/N turned and looked into the eyes of her twin sister Daliera. “What are you doing in here ? “Can you let me mourn in peace”?She spat clearly upset . “Sister must you always be like that with your own blood”?, “Besides you knew the price you’d payed when you decided to meddle in the affairs of humans let alone fall in love with the abomination that was Elijah Mikaelson and his wretched family”. Daliera said in disgust.

“He was NOT an abomination”she shouted furious the wind had picked up a bit , “Dont speak of his name , I know what you did to me , to him ,you cursed us . Me forever to be in his shadow and him to have his true love by his side and never be able to recognize it , to suffer with others that would never really truly love him”.

“Well I think I went easy on him dont you think”? Daliera smiled wickedly. Y/N’s hand was fast and swift as it made contact with her sisters cheek. “Keep that forked tongue inside your mouth , dont make me forget that we are related, it doesn’t bode well for you sister”, she threatened.

“You! Threatening me”Daliera laughed. “Seriously you ... who’s never hurt a fly on purpose”.

“Sister you forget that my side is darker than yours , that Im the worst of what we are and that the only anchor that I held onto was the man I loved”. Y/N body shook. “When he died my control shattered and now I struggle everyday to keep it a bay. So please goad me , I beg of you this planet needs a global cleansing , Ive been iching to let loose for eons”.

“Ohhh Im shaking in my boots”Daliera chuckled

“Why are you here”? Y/N coiled ready to strike.

“Direct to the point I see”Daliera bit her lip playfully.

“Please be quick your presence angers me and that group of people over there Y/N pointed to a family of tourists “looks eager to meet their maker”.

“That’s dark sister even for you”. To which Y/N shrugged her shoulders in response. Daliera could see that Y/N was at her wits end, she was treading on dangerous waters having endure so much thanks to her malingering and jealousy.

“You’d give anything to see your beloved Elijah again , yes”? She asked while circling Y/N.

“Yes”she quietly answered trying to keep calm, this was a trap she could feel it. Daliera was sick like that, playing with her emotions.

“Would you do whatever it takes to bring him back” ? Because if that’s the case, I can tell you where he is and the means to procure him”

That was it Y/Ns eyes changed colors , her hand went for her sisters neck. “That is impossible, you try to insult my intelligence again and I swear to you ... sister you will spend a 100 lifetimes putting yourself back together”.

“There is nothing impossible for us Y/N you of all people should know that”.

“We don’t meddle with the dead! but I’ll humor you ,Whats the catch? Daliera” Y/N asked annoyed yet her interest had been peeked.

“You will need a witch , a powerful one”.

“There is no witch powerful enough to take me wherever he is . So you are waisting your time here” .

“Let me tell you something in the proper english lingo ,Fuck off and leave me in peace” , “I’m not interested in your charade”.Y/N turned to leave.

“What about Hope”? Daliera suggested . Y/N stopped suddenly , her sisters audacity knew no bounds. ‘How dare she’?!

“Do not bring Hope into this .She’s been through so much as it is . She lost her mother , her father , her uncle and she almost died at the hands of the hollow. She’s at peace living her life and I will not bother her with something that will not work”.

“She’s the child of your own imaginings , she belongs to you , make her”.

“Never”! Y/N quickly answered “Now you may think because of the dark power I posses I am like you manipulative and vindictive , that I bend everything and every one to my will , you are wrong . I’ve never been like that nor I choose to be”.

“How boring” Daliera rolled her eyes. “Any way Hope is the way to see your beloved again , I just wanted to let you know”.

“What do you gain from this information Daliera ? What do you want from me”?

“Nothing sister I just wish to make amens ... for all I’ve done” Daliera lowered her head in sign of defeat.

“Make amens”?! Y/N eyes blazed in fury “Make amens” !! Daliera was pushed into an alley wall hard , she was paralyzed, she couldn’t move or speak.

“There is nothing you can say to undo what’ve done to me , to Elijah , to my family because they were my real family . You on the other hand with your feigned innocence are a bitch who couldn’t stand me being loved by one of the most wonderful beings that had ever existed” . “The Niklaus to my Elijah but unlike him , I do not shared love for you in the slightest”.

“So sister this is my gift to you with all the darkness I carry here is my wish” she grabbed her sister chin forcefully... “I wish for you”Y/N whispered softly “to be cursed to roam alone and unloved for all of your miserable existence”.

“Y/N you cannot do this!! , please don’t do this”!! Daliera’s tears cascaded down her cheeks.

“It is so because I desire it and it wont be undone. Goodbye” Y/N took a step back and turned walking away.

“Y/N it will work!! Please” Daliera screamed . “Dont leave me like this” ,Whatever it takes!!!

Y/N kept walking , her dark power flowing to her body , now she knew where she was heading of to next Mystic Falls ... “Whatever it takes”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Translation:

Elijah my love... why does it hurt so much , why cant I forget you?. I miss you so much.

I’d do anything to see you again one last time.

@hellotvshowtrash @elijahs-wife @dumble-daddy @eternityunicorn @satedbond @elejah-wonderland @kaiiiiiiparkerismyhusband @idkhaylijah @danielasala @mikaelsonsdeservedbetter @elijahtrash @elijahmikaelsontvd-blog

[weepingintellectual]

im in love with you

January 7th, 2020

It’s currently 11:12 PM while writing this. I’m listening to the playlist I made that I filled with songs that remind me of how much I love you, songs that make me smile when I think about you, songs that remind me of the hard times I felt being with you. I filled that playlist with songs that express how I feel emotionally about you, about us. I use it as my main playlist because it makes me feel more content.

You know when we first started talking, I didn’t think much about it. I remember feeling nervous but alive at the same time. I was nervous because the last time I had sex it was with someone I hate thinking about. Another reason was because I was at an uncomfortable stage with my body. I didn’t love myself and I had little confidence in myself in general at the time. I remember seeing your photo for the first time, it made me feel alive, it made me giggle and blush. I felt sort of conflicted because of your looks. I felt like you were someone in high school that I would avoid or you were just someone who wouldn’t even acknowledge that I existed. But I said fuck feeling nervous, I’m gonna let this dude fuck me.

Our first night meeting in person, on my birthday, something clicked in me. I’m not used to finding comfort in someone so easily but I seemingly found that comfort with you. But I’d say that night was quite beautiful. It’s something I’ve never done before hence another reason why I felt so fucking alive. I remember after you dropped me off at home, I went inside my room and I felt like a teenager again. I was smiling and basically telling myself “I can’t believe I did that!” I never expected you to come into my life. I couldn’t see any of this coming. But I always had this feeling I was going to like you, that you were going to mean something to me, that I would eventually fall for you in the future. You just had that charm, the humor I always searched for in someone. Sometimes it felt like I was sort of talking to another version of myself that I only really knew deep down.

Honestly, I can’t really pinpoint where that feeling of interest started. I always denied that I liked you until my cousin confronted me about it. I took what we were doing as something fun. Like I said, I’ve never really quite done this before and you were someone new to me too. The day my cousin confronted me, it fucking hit me like a bitch. I denied it because I was afraid. I’m afraid of being hurt, I’m afraid of what the future might’ve held for us. I was afraid that you probably wouldn’t feel the same way as I do. I tried so hard to convince myself that I didn’t like you, though deep down inside I knew how I felt about you but I kept it to myself. I wanted to make you believe I didn’t like you like that but I mean you saw right through me haha. But I find it crazy sometimes about how far we’ve gotten. On February 28th, it’s gonna be a year ever since we started talking.

My first relationship was pretty awful and it ruined me a lot mentally. I felt like I was trapped in something I didn’t think I could ever get out of. He constantly put me down, he manipulated me and he made me feel so insecure about myself. I felt used, I felt hurt. We constantly fought and I always felt like I had to apologize for everything. I’ve lost so much because of that relationship. No one realized I was miserable.

Being with you feels entirely different though. I felt happy. You supported and believed in me and that’s something I never exactly had in my life. I had someone who constantly made me have positive thoughts. Whenever we’re texting, I’m always constantly smiling, laughing so loud to the point where people tell me to shut up. I talk about you a lot to others and I think so highly of you because I think you’re an amazing person. When things at home are shit and I get a text from you, it comforts me. When we’re together it makes me feel more at home rather than my actual home. So much bad shit has happened in my life and being comfortable with someone is so fucking hard for me and especially finding comfort in a love interest. I’ve dealt with a lot whenever it came to love interests. My ex manipulated me a lot and the last guy before you took advantage of me and told me that it was my fault. Ever since that happened, it started tearing me down and I went into a bad place. I had no support from any one of my friends and I felt so alone. I didn’t want to have sex with anyone else after that. But you were the first person I slept with after what happened and it was hard for me to just simply go out and have sex with someone. Even from the start, our sex has always felt good for me and it’s gotten even better when I started loving you. But regardless even when we’re not having sex, when I’m laying on your chest, I feel safe and secure. I love being with you. You’re my safety net.

I remember the moment I started having this feeling of complete fucking happiness, this euphoric feeling, the moment I thought your smile was the most precious thing ever. You were wearing your jean jacket, black jeans, a gray tank top underneath your light beige hoodie and you were wearing your CDG’s or what you like to call it, retarded heart shoes. That moment was one of my favorite moments with you. You were pretending you were those shoe review youtubers and it was also the same day you looked in my closet and started shooting me with my nerf gun haha. And since then, my feelings for you started developing into something more.

As much as you have brought happiness and have been one of my biggest factors of me shifting and growing into an entirely different version of myself, there have been those moments where the things you have said hurt me. There would be those moments where you were the reason for my sadness. As sad as it probably seems, I feel like I always know my place in people’s lives and I think I know my place in yours and whenever I start to think about that, I start hurting. I ask myself if I’m even good enough, I ask myself if I even actually matter to you. The thing is with you, I find myself overthinking a lot because I don’t know the answers to my thoughts because you don’t tell me whenever I do ask you about it. So, I’m just left with my thoughts. I always find myself trying to ignore it and I convince myself that I probably do have some sort of meaning to you.

I’ve never truly loved someone but I don’t even need to convince myself that I love you because I know I do. I have never doubted my feelings for you. I have this one hundred percent feeling that I love you. I constantly show my care for you because I feel like you deserve it, I want you to always know that I care about you. I know what it feels like to be unloved and used, I feel like that’s just the way my life is meant to be sometimes. All I ever want is to love someone and to be loved by someone. I’m certain you’re that someone I love but I won’t force you to love me. Some of my friends asked me, you’re not hurt by the fact that he doesn’t love you or hasn’t said it? But I find no problem in that. Love is tricky and it isn’t fun when the hard times come around. Love can be complicated but I find it worth it with you.

I think memories are very valuable because they can form as anything. They can be happy, sad, filled with anger, humor, anything. I’ll always cherish them regardless of how it makes me feel because these feelings can’t be avoided. As much as I always like to think about our happy moments, one of the bad moments I’ve had with you was the day after Halloween. I told you I love you, you replied back telling me you love me too and at that very moment my heart sank into my stomach. It felt like fireworks but I knew you didn’t mean it so I had to shut down that feeling of excitement. The next day, I confronted you about it and the way you responded just ruined me in that moment. I remember what I was doing that entire time when that happened. I remember I was eating out with my family, I remember trying to hold in my tears the entire time. The car ride home, I sat in the passenger seat looking out the window just begging to get home faster so I could go into my room, lay on my bed and cry. I remember laying there and while we were texting I pretended to be alright. I always find myself pushing away those times where you make me sad and it fucks me up.

One of the songs in the playlist I made that stands out the most to me is Ivy by Frank Ocean. These lyrics stood out the most for me and I hope you see why;

I thought that I was dreamin'

When you said you love me

The start of nothin'

I had no chance to prepare

I couldn't see you comin'

There were things you didn't need to say

Did you mean to? Mean to

I've been dreamin' of you, dreamin' of you

I've been dreamin' of you, dreamin' of you

I've been dreamin', dreaming

Do you think you could ever feel the same way about me? I know you’ve told me before that we’re already basically boyfriend and girlfriend just without the official seal of approval. I just want to know how you feel about me because I don’t know the answers to that. I know how I can be sometimes and I know that sometimes I could be a little selfish but you’re the only person I feel this way with and I can’t imagine feeling this way with anyone else or do you think I’m just stupid and that I’m not worth being with?

[wilkoak]

there was a person that i wanted to give everything to.

i was ready to throw away my own family. i made enemies, when i never did before. i lost friends and countless nights of tired eyes and trying desperately to understand and help and be the comfort and the rock to rely on for that person.

i betted everything on this horse and that horse with smile and seeming reason told me that. well. no, thanks.

and not only that. it ran away, it ghosted me, literally, being like a dead phantom in my memory now, despite of promises to never do that and be “that stupid”

that i’m not even able, or allowed, to think about kindly, unlike the family and animals that passed away from me and i can cry about them with smile and warm thoughts of loving longing

it is like a ghost of 6 and a half years of my life that carries a depth of love and maliciousness at the same time, allowing only regret. and despite the want to hate it and cast away, it carries so many memories of genuine love and feeling the happiest in the world

that there is nothing, in the end, other than just to weep at this loss. 

it’s been over half a year, and over a month snce i was ghosted. i dont think about in daily basis. the love i experience fro my friends is overwhelmig, the family connection, i no longer feel unheld at night and unloved in the evening. every emotion from people is purer and more unconditional.

but then there are those moments of being incredibly anxious what to say to people. fear of other’s people depressions. inclredible fear of donign something wrong. overthinking. feeling that something is not right. 

those are the moment when i relize how much i have been welded into being constantly tested and in constant fear and readiness to take on an argument, or a panic attack, or a drama, or a sudden sitting-till-3-am convincing someone to calm down and stop shouting about killing themselves. 

and you know what? it was all okay. i was bearing and really really trying my best to understand. and i did not leave, i never left. as i promised. at least that, despite fucking telling me otherwise for 2000 times, i NEVER LEFT. i stayed and offered my heart until it was bleeding and cut to fucking pieces. sometimes i got angry or my patience slipped or i dint know what to do i ALWAYS fucking got back and made sure to clean up the broken glass or spilled food on the floor or kiss and forgive for the wounds that i myself inflicted in my own lack of patience. 

there was a time they threw a flower pot on me on the street and imeeditely after i was caring to treat their scratches and calm them down. 

for years i was delicately truiong to convice to go to therapy. i was refused. i did not press. when i funally did something, it was dismissed. 

i was once attacked by sexual abuser, i ran away to their house, they let me in, but told me to get out within 5 minutes and showed me that im a nuisance more of a hurt person. right after a drunkard licked my cheek and touched my hair and i was shit scared. i went home alone crying at 1 am. 

(and , wow, you knwo, this is just from this year. from late 2019. when they were claiming to be calm and collected andknowing what they do with their life.)

its such a fucking relief not to have to do that aymore. 

it’;s so fucking miserable not to be needed to do that anymore. 

it makes me feel like if i dont do that, im not deserving any of the love that i expreience. i had birthday and my friends made me the most wonderful online party, with stupid stuff and a collab present and they werer allt here even despitre their own inconvenience in some cases and after all, i thought more about how “this was a nuisance” and “it must have been uncomfortable for them” and “ thats my fault they had to do it” ?????????? hello brain what? 

i thought hard about how this is fucked up

and then i thought again how bent my empathy must be after all thos eyears of being a fucking emotional doormat for someone i, on top, loved to death and the most in the world. and being told every day that i need to bend more, first into someone softer and then, when i softened to the point of not having bones, into someone stronger because hey, i became a crybaby m unable to do my own decisions. i wonder why. maybe because they were always not smart or good enough for them. 

maybe because of being shouted on every fucking week. 

they gave me so much love. they helped me. they taught me so much. i loved them so fucking much. i cannot deny this, because it would be untrue to myself. but at the same time it was so fucking hurting. 

this has been, “i miss my lovely amazing smart pretty incredible FUCKING abuser” radio. i hope the radio stops working one day. 

[gutsybitsies]

Not the same anon but I would love to hear about the beauty and the beast version. I feel this fandom has greatly failed in not doing a beauty and the beast au for zimbits and you know what's up!

*cracks knuckles* im not sure if i’ve posted this before but i’d been talking about it with @fabbittle a while back: 

OKAY SO the premise is the same as the amnesia one and it’s bitty living in a cottage in the woods and so one day he comes across this really injured beast/monster. the beast is jack under curse. when he turned, he was chased and hunted by his own royal guards and friends who didn’t recognize him, and chased out of his kingdom. he’s cursed to be a monster until someone falls in love with him, but alas, who can love a beast? 

someone with a weird fetish like bitty, obviously. he takes one look and he’s thirsty. like jack’s still humanoid, he’s still muscular, and he’s got a lot of fur. and bitty can tell that he’s probably some poor guy who got cursed into a what to him seemed like a magnificent sexy beefcake. so while bitty’s nursing jack back to health there were two trains of thoughts in the cottage. the one that belongs to jack is “i’m a monster and he is so kind, i cant believe i love him so much, but there is no way he will ever love me.” while bitty’s thoughts are kind of just “fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck meeeeee.”

bitty tries everything to seduce jack. but jack’s not picking up the hints, just lamenting about his ugliness and how he’s unloveable. but eventually bitty does say the words “i love you, you big handsome goofball!!” and then jack glows and poof. he’s human again!!! 

and bitty’s a bit sad, because if jack was human again it meant that he’d have to go back home, just when the two of them got together. but jack actually said that he wanted to stay here with bitty, that he didn’t much like his old life anyway, and he loves bitty and he loves the town samwell and everyone who lived there. but one day, a while later, an old man rides into town. he’s tired, and hungry, and he says that he’s looking for his son. 

jack was honest with bitty. he told him about his old life, as crown prince of the kingdom, about a fiance he didn’t care for, about the anxiety that he had about living up to his father, about his fear of failure. it all came to ahead when he was cursed and no one had recognized him, and he’d truly became something unworthy and disgusting in their eyes. 

“do you miss your parents?” bitty had asked. 

“yes,” jack replied honestly. “but i think it’s better that they don’t have me as a son.” 

but here robert zimmermann was, cold and tired from his journey, asking for magical favors everywhere, trying to find his greatest pride. bitty knew that if he knew jack was here, robert would take him away and break the small comfortable life that they built up together.

“my saddle broke,” bob said at the inn. “do you know where i can fix it?” 

“Tailor John knows how to do leatherwork for saddles and does most of the work in the town for it, but he just left yesterday to go to his daughter’s wedding and won’t be back for two weeks,” the innkeeper replied, “but bitty’s husband also knows how to do a quick repair, should last you until you reach another town. hey, bitty!” 

“hey there Jim,” bitty says as he brings in the day’s bread into the inn. “did i hear anything about a broken saddle?” 

“yeah, guy needs a fix, you think your jack can do it?” 

“well he can certainly try, he’s busy fixing our chicken coop right now, a fox got in last night, but if you come over tomorrow at noon i’m sure he’ll take a look at it,” bitty replied, looking warily at the man who looks almost exactly like jack and who said he was looking for his son. 

jack and bob see each other the next day, and bob bursts into tears and hugs his son as he finally got him back.

“why haven’t you come back? is there anything wrong? what’s this i hear about you being married?” he looked cautiously through the window at bitty, who was shooing away a deer that came near their garden trying to nibble at their cabbage. 

“i was cursed, he helped me lift it, and i decided to stay. i’m sorry for not contacting you or maman sooner, but i don’t want to go back.” 

bob became stern, “jack, this is your responsibility. you can’t leave your kingdom helmless in the future when it needs you. a ship without a captain steers itself into the waves and drowns. i don’t know what kind of dreamland you’ve been imagining yourself to be in but you need to snap out of it.”

“i can’t leave bitty.”

“then bring him with you, set him up in the capital with the finest things as repayment for taking care of you. he’ll have a great life as your lover.”

“he’s not just my lover, he’s my husband.”

“….is he a knight?”

“no.”

“has he ever went on a quest to save a kingdom, or defeated a dragon? do you think he can even hold a sword? will he be able to intermingle with the court life? how will he have any kind of dignity in the eyes of anyone in our circle as a prince consort now and a king consort in the future? what, are you going to give him a fake title and a dukedom to force him to integrate into our lives?”

seeing that jack can’t argue back but wasnt changing his mind, bob tried for a softer approach. “jack, you can bring him back with us. let him get used to how things are, and then we’ll talk about it, okay?”

so the three of them go to the capital and bitty is enraptured by all the beautiful things there, but there’s a slight hiccup. he’s ignored by every single person. the court, being very sensitive to the king and queen’s wishes, snubbed him on basically all occasions. he was given quarters in a small room far away from jack, and even though jack told him to just stay in jack’s room he wasn’t able to see jack often because jack comes back later and tired. when they first arrived bob and alicia didn’t even bother introducing him to anyone as jack’s husband. 

jack introduces bitty to people, and in jack’s presence there would be stilted conversation that stops as soon as jack wasn’t there. he tries his best to get bitty situated, but he’s being inundated as it were by tasks and jobs and responsibilities that he has to pick up again. 

and bitty realizes what’s happening, that no one wanted them to be together so they’re forcing this war of attrition. it comes to a head after a month, when bitty just couldn’t take it anymore and breaks down. 

jack: let’s just elope. 

bitty: what? we can’t do that.

jack: …go back home and i’ll come get you when i convince my parents to stop playing this stupid game. i’ll much rather you be happy away from me than suffer by my side.

bitty reluctantly agrees, and goes back. he waits and waits for a message from jack or jack himself, but doesnt get anything until there’s news that the prince of the neighboring kingdom, jack zimmermann, is getting ready to be married. but he still waited, because maybe that’s just a rumor and jack would tell him if anything happened, and that’s when a knight walked up the path to his cottage. and asked him to approve of a divorce from jack so that his next marriage can be legal. 

enclosed was a letter in jack’s handwriting that basically said that he realized that it was impossible for him to change his parents mind and impossible to leave. and that he could be stubborn and bring bitty back no matter what but he knows that it would just make bitty miserable. he’s sorry that he couldn’t say this in person, but he knew that if he saw bitty he’ll never want to leave. 

bitty signs, and then shuts the door in the face of the knight without even offering him refreshments for his long journey. 

bitty: i know its selfish but i wish the curse on jack had never broke. he’d have never been found, he’ll still be mine. 

and then, miles and miles away, a roar erupted in a panicking room as prince jack zimmermann transformed painfully into a giant beast in front of everyone. his parents grow frantic trying to break the curse, but no one could do it. 

note: this is from a long time ago that i never finished so here’s the rough rough rough ending

basically more panicking from the royals and jack ups and leaves again and finds his way somewhere where he sees bitty again. they don’t get together quite yet but eventually they start talking more and jack apologizes. 

bitty: “i made a dumb stupid wish and i wish i can turn you back but i can’t i’m sorry” 

jack: “that’s okay. i think if i wasn’t still in love with you i wouldn’t have turned anyway. my parents love me, i know, but i could never live up to them. i would’ve never been good enough, might as well stay here and eat berries.”

they still don’t get together, until one day jack’s on a hunting trip and get’s lost in the winter and meets up with a bunch of kids who also got lost, and he saves them and eventually leads them home. they thank him a lot and and jack’s pretty content with himself, before going back to his hut. and bam human again -insert disney music- 

jack knocks on bitty’s door with some flowers in hand, all “i know you’ve always wanted to see the world, and now i can take you places. we don’t have to be together, but do you want to come with me?” 

and so they set off together and one day bitty looks at jack weaving a scarf for the winter and kisses him. 

[cinderacequeen]

Depressive post warning. I’d put it under a read more but I’m on mobile.

I keep trying not to but I always end up falling back into the same hole of hopelessness and helplessness.

I know it’s not true, but I feel unwanted and unloved. I just feel like my life isn’t worth living anymore, that I just wasted it. I’m not getting where I want to be. I’m not doing what I love.

Im stuck doing a job that I got just to help out.

I don’t hate it but I don’t like it either. I want a better option. I wanted to go back to college to study English Composition more and Creative Writing so I can become a better writer, even an author, but I can’t afford it.

I feel more miserable than ever. And lost. I may or may not have depression but I don’t know for sure.

What I do know is that losing my dad who I had a strong bond with and then my cat who was practically my son not even two years apart just seemed to have damaged me more than I realized, if my frequent breakdowns are anything to go by.

It doesn’t help that the house we were forced to move into that we’ve been in for a little over a year isn’t home to me. It never will be. I hate it here. I’m certain this place caused Reddy’s death.

And I’m not allowed to get another cat, so I’m forced to live with the agonizing emptiness that was once filled by an animal companion who was mine alone and helped me when I needed it.

I just want to go away forever, end it all. I’m tired and frustrated and lonely. I don’t want to tell my family because they won’t understand. They keep asking what’s wrong but all I say is nothing or that I’m fine.

Clearly I’m not, but what can they do to help? What can anyone do? I feel like I really don’t want help.

I just want to be with Dad and Reddy again. I miss them so much. It’s not fair they were taken from me far too early than they should have been.

I wish my volvulus had done me in back in April. What a fun birthday that was.

Holidays are meaningless to me now.

My friends are probably tired of my negativity. I am too.

I’m sorry.

I’m trying but I feel like I’m failing to hold on. Admittedly, I had once made an attempt...it didn’t work, though.

But what’s stopping me from trying again? I don’t know if I can make it to the new year.

[thedealerandthestoner]

truthful fridays

so today ive done something that i haven’t done since my teen years. honestly im ashamed and disgusted but you’ll get why i did what i did. well, today i cut myself with whatever i could find at the time.i don’t want my family to know about what im doing or what i did in my past. for the past few years, ive lost myself. my faith is completely gone and honestly, i wouldn’t care if i lived or died. nobody knows what i go through on a daily basis. i am mentally, physically and emotionally drained. i am severely depressed, my anxiety is through the roof and it’s as if nobody can hear me drowning. im slowly drowning in emotional distress. i can’t talk to anybody about this because i don’t want to be judged, so i have a habit of bottling up my emotions. staying to myself and literally crying whenever i get the chance to. when im alone, the thoughts of suicide play heavily in my mind. i just wanna scream “i need help, please save me” but to who? who’s listening? who’s actually there? why can’t anybody see that im miserable? im suffering here. i feel as if im suffocating in a world that doesn’t care. i feel alone. im vulnerable. i feel unloved. i feel nothing. im mentally tired of living life. im tired of masking my feelings and staying sheltered away from the world. well, i just wanted to explain why i did what i did. bless.

[gabriel-madrid-lopez]

i feel really shitty and lost. i want to cry but i cant. i dont know what to do. i dont know why to go get out of bed. i feel lonely. i feel ugly and old. im a failure and disappointed in myself. i feel unlovable. i think ive been depressed for so long that i lost too much time ill never get back. ill never be able to catch up. ive never been in a relationship for so long and i dont think ill ever be able to be in one. i dont think ill ever be okay with myself. i dont love myself. i have no friends. im sick. im scared. im desperate. i dont enjoy anything. im bored. im exhausted. i cant sleep. i think of killing myself. im afraid i wont be able to do it and continue being miserable. i dont know how to change my situation. i wanted to be so much more. i am below average. i have no drive. im envious of others. i feel homesick even when im home. i feel out of place. i feel alien. i yearn for meaningful connections. im anxious. i cant take care of myself. i cant take care of others. i want to look good. i need a hug. i want to fall asleep in your arms. i want to be rich. i want to throw up. im sick to my stomach. im stuck. i keep doing things without knowing why. i read a book i dont care about. i watch a tv series that bores me. i check the time again. i dont know how to get through the day. i think part of growing up is the death of passion. i eat but im not hungry. im starving. i dont enjoy food. i listen to music i liked as a teenager but i am not moved by it the way i used to. i feel silly. im a fool. im not special. i think about hanging myself. i dont know if i can lie to my therapist. im afraid of getting yelled at. i think whatever i do is wrong. ive never felt like i belong. ive always been an outsider. i think theres something wrong with me. i dont understand others. i count the letters of words. im out of my depth. im stressed out too easily. i dont know how to work. i wont be able to manage. im not interested in other people. im selfish and self-centered. im not a good person. i dont have plans for the future. i dont think ill live until the end of the week. i feel really shitty and lost.

[datingadviceonreddit]

Long post coming in: As we know people are on this subreddit because they want to help others or they need help themselves. Many fall into the later but we all know this.I often see people post toxic positive platitudes or self loathing complaints about how they’re lonely and nobody loves them. I think a lot of comments that are on here are either "you’re right just be yourself” "love will find you” or "you reap what you sow” "your standards are too high” and "I wouldn’t date you either if you were that miserable irl”. Like y’all it’s so much more to that.For example as a man that is short (5’4) and was obese as fuck my whole life I was always told I’m fine the way I was and that someone would come along… I knew something was screwing be over but no one would tell me the truth. I had the charisma, was an extrovert, was in clubs and helped people. But the truth is that won’t cut it for most people alot of the time it’s luck… and accepting you need to improve yourself. Once I started working out and taking care of myself I started beating the odds. Even then it’s been no easy journey but the point is self improvement is your only resort. I’m 21 and at 18 I never thought I’d ever lost my virginity or go on a date.But eventually those wishes came true once I started looking at myself. For the men and woman out here that are struggling, yea sometimes it is you but you need to figure out the problem and get to work on fixing it no one is ever perfect so improve what you can and try to play the game while keeping your sanity.For example : Short dudes and tall women, you WILL have more obstacles in dating but it’s not game over. Find ways to make yourself more appealing through fitness, social status (clubs or leadership positions), a good career and most importantly accepting yourself and internalize your struggles. Im not gonna say “just be confident” but I will say be relentless, form a habit of stepping out of your boundaries and continue with life and your goals. No one is a "king” or "queen” we all got something to work on be honest and try to give honest feedback on why that person may be struggling. For me I was obese for others they could simply just be awkward or inexperienced.Now on the flip side I’ve noticed some people won’t even go as far to give genuine advice and put themselves in other peoples shoes. It’s easy to virtue signal but it’s hard and uncomfortable to admit some people really are in a very shit spot. No it’s not anyone’s responsibility to fix someone’s life when someone is clearly miserable but for the love of god it’s like no one is listening to each other.Some people have mental or physical issues that will hold them back in dating there’s no need to sugar coat it. I have severe OCD and been struggling since I was 11 after being traumatized… but no one knew not even close friends, I gained weight due to antidepressants as a adolescent and all people saw was the nice fat kid but they didn’t know I was secretly crippled inside, I was just good at faking it but inside I felt no one truly understood how I felt.I was once in a place where I had given up and was basically depression personified. There’s a pressure in society to be perfect and measure up to standards. Men and women both struggle to fit the mold but sometimes not everyone will. I was told by people when I was 13 that I’d never find love and I was unloveable and that I was a fat ass, fortunately I was too stubborn of a person to just accept that but others aren’t as fortunate and can’t handle hearing that.I’m not defending the misogynistic and misandrist post and people that hate each other but I do know that most people weren’t always like that. Something happened to shape the person into who they are today and it’s scary to think people think it’s all their fault. in order to try to help people struggling we need to listen. The truth is the world is cold and grey and the sun don’t shine for some people so they go online to vent and look for validation…acceptance. Being truly lonely and depressed will warp your world views and sometimes you get so deep into your own self loathing you don’t realize what you’ve become. I’m not saying Pity these people but try to understand why they are the way that they are not tell them they are the sole reason they aren’t getting what they want.Remember not everyone on the internet has a support system in their life, some only have the internet to talk about their lives with so If you aren’t gonna try to give genuine advice just don’t say anything at all. Some people are starved for love and validation, some have never felt that and it takes a toll. for the men and women who are struggling and feel empty. Continue to fight and persevere. life is chaos and we are all aimlessly looking for something or someone to make this chaos worth it no need to pretend that "relationships and sex aren’t that important” these are thing we all desire to feel accepted. No one is entitled to it but I hope everyone can find it.Good luck y’all.TLDR: life and dating ain’t easy and we need to acknowledge some have it harder than others and that some are just plain unlucky. Listen each other instead of giving shit advice. via /r/dating_advice