#im so mad i hate golf

[csny]

im actually so jealous of his life it makes me so mad. play golf, have lunch or coffee with friends, work a little and then quit because what the hell, social faux pas, getting into fights either verbal or physical, just a real “what the hell let’s see what the world throws at me today” attitude and experience imagine just walking around with your friends and going to dinner parties and the doctor and the dentist and then maybe once a season going to your office just to have a 1 scene conversation with your assistant. how many parties does he get invited to? and to live in a ideal LA where you run into friends in the street? and run into enemies in the streeet would even be exciting? fuck you larry david i hate you so much why do you get to experience life? $10,000 is poker night type money. You’re nothing larry david at least i have my hairrrrrrrr!!RRRRRR!!!!! *i cry and run away and trip and hit my head on a table and my pants fall down and my i ❤️ bald men underwear shows*

[evie-sturns]

𝘵𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 - 𝘊𝘩𝘳𝘪𝘴 𝘚𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘰𝘭𝘰

summary: you've been pissing chris off all day, accidentally knocking his stuff over, purposely teasing him in public, to the point where he starts to get seriously mad at you to the point where he has to put you in your place.

warnings: smut, rough!chris, use of safe word, argument, swearing.

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I didn't know that what i was doing was affecting chris this much, I mean, today has just been like any other. I hung out with my boyfriend of 2 months, chris, the whole day with his brothers and friends.

he seem's to be extra on edge today, ever since i broke one of his cologne bottles.

(flashback)

hey chris, im just gonna head downstairs- SMASH

"oh fuck i'm so sorry i'll clean that up now-" i said, getting on my hands and knees and collecting the shards of black glass. "y/n just go downstairs, get out of my room please." chris spoke, glaring down at me. "i'm so sorry chris, i can buy you anothe-" i was cut off by him picking me up and placing me outside of his bedroom.

(present)

me, chris, nathan, nick and matt are sitting on the sturniolos couch as the sun sets through the window to our right, a dim light fills the living room as matt and nick have an argument, god knows what its about.

im cudding up to chris's side, my leg resting over his thigh as he scrolls on his phone aimlessly. ive been sitting here for about an hour, i think chris is still pissed about the cologne bottle incident. i hate to admit it, but chris when hes mad is the hottest version of him.

i move my leg from his thigh up to his lap, using my leg to rub him very softly through his sweatpants. he grabs my leg, pushing it off him "stop that." he whispers, shaking his head at me. "stop what?" i ask, a guilty smile tugging at the corners of my lips as i move my leg back to its original position, applying more pressure on his crotch.

right before he's about to grab my leg again nathan starts - "whos up for top golf!" he says, looking around the room with a smile on his face. "nate its late." matt speaks, leaning back against the couch.

"so you're boring?" nate tuts.

"fine, only if the others go though." nick says, standing up off the couch. "chris, y/n?" he says, looking at us.

im about to agree but chris answers for me "were staying here." he says, his tone angry.

i look at chris with a confused look, but hes back to scrolling on his phone. "well me, matt and nate are going, we'll be a few hours." nick says, grabbing his coat and phone.

matt and nathan follow nick out the door, giving me and chris a small wave before slamming the front door shut.

chris stands up, leaving me on the couch, he faces me "what the fuck is wrong with you!" he yells. "what?" i say defensively, moving back against the couch, my eyes widening from the sudden raise of his voice.

"what!!??" he mocks, before starting

"this whole day you've been on my last nerve, and I'm sick of it. You've ruined half the shit in my room then you start touching up on my dick in front of my brothers?"

my jaw is slack, in pure shock as he flames me, i can't help my attitude start to build up, i scoff "not my fault you've been sensitive and pissy all day, sorry that im clumsy today?" i bite back, rolling my eyes.

chris stares at me "you have no respect for any of my shit, youve gone and shattered my $450 cologne that nick got me and you expect me to be happy? pathetic." he yells.

a few tears drop from my eyes, i don't know why. his words aren't hurting me but he knows i can't deal with people yelling at me. my attitude keeps up though "if you're gonna be so sensitive go cry in your room christopher." i fold my arms.

chris storms out of the living room, slamming the door to the bathroom shut.

i wipe my eyes before standing up, running upstairs into chris's room. its already been decided that im staying the night here by nick, so i decide to get into my pyjamas.

i pull my shirt off over my head, revealing my white lacy bra which i especially wore for chris, i was expecting a different evening with us.

suddenly i hear the bedroom door open behind me, chris storms in before walking up to me, i swing my body around to look at him. he grabs me by my throat, i gasp loudly as he grabs me, throwing me down on the mattress.

i sink my teeth into my bottom lip as i look up at him, before pulling him down into an angry kiss. he pulls away, ripping off his shirt. "built up a bit of an attitude today haven't you?" he mumbles, yanking my shorts and panties off in one motion.

he reaches a hand under me onto my back, flipping me over onto my stomach.

he grabs my ankles, forcing me onto all fours. i whine, desperatly. "so needy aren't you." he says, yanking down his sweatpants. i look over my shoulder at him.

"hand behind your back." he demands, putting his hand out. i put my hands behind my back, chris grabs both of my wrists with one hand. holding them, forcing me to arch.

"chirs.." i groan, squirming slightly, his hand collides with my clit. "fuck!" i yelp, chris shushes me "why do you think you deserve my dick after giving me such an attitude today hm?"

he lines himself up with me, pulling my wrists closer to him, my chest and head are fully off the bed as my back arches more then i knew it ever could.

without warning her slams into me, i let out a loud cry from the sudden stretch. "dont. make. a noise." he says, slamming into me at a brutal pace. i let out pathetic whimpers as i'm held in place by him.

he reaches his spare hand round, shoving two fingers in my mouth.

chris has never been like this in bed, im in total shock as he fucks the attitude out of me.

without warning i clench around him, releasing the knot in my stomach. his thrusts don't slow, i wouldn't be wrong if i said they quickened.

im so sensitive, my vision blurry as he takes what he needs from me.

we've had a safe word established for a while, we made it while we were in a stupid mood, so it has a stupid name. 'dinosaur' , but ive never even thought about using it until now.

"chris.. chris chris." i groan, tears streaming down my face from the intensity. "fuck- d-dinosaur" i cry out, chris stops thrusting instantly, checking to see if he heard right.

"dinosaur.." i whisper.

chris pulls out instantly, he gently releases the painful grip on my wrists, as he collapses down next to me, sitting on the bed, pulling me onto his lap in a cradling me.

"hey hey.. don't cry sweetheart." he whispers into my hair, grabbing his shirt and pulling it onto me. "are you alright baby? too much?" he coos, rubbing my arms. "please speak to me gorgeous."

i nod into his chest, "im fine, just sensitive.." i stammer.

"oh okay i'm so sorry" he says, pure guilt in his voice as he stands up, holding me like a bride.

suddenly i let out a small laugh, he looks down, confusion painted across his face.

"wait.. whats funny?" he questions

"what were we thinking when we came up with that safeword." i laugh into his chest.

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this might be my last fic for a few days cause school is starting up tomorrow.

[mgu-h]

a bookkeeper for the people, thank you for your services 🫡

aww im just glad other people are crazy about them too!! i also keep track of things i heard repeatedly from both max and lando, or representative phrases, in order to make their dialogue sound better. if anyone is interested in some nortrell vocabulary quirks (and additional nortrell research and analysis):

phrases they both use:

That’s mint

You muppet

Let’s go!!!!

Waffling

[Anything], mate

Cheers, bro

We’ve sussed it

You idiot

Fuck off

Knob, knobhead

Bloke, brev/bruv

~Very good very nice~

Scavs (Tarkov)

Fluked it (golf)

GGs, chat

lando specifically:

‘Cause

[something], baby

C’mon Maxy boy

Oh my godt

Mega

It smells to / tastes to

Frickin’, freaking (less so now, he says fuck these days, but in the past he tended to avoid it)

[Indeterminate happy Lando noises]

[Annoying tapping or leg bouncing]

Nugget

Numpty

Joker

That's naughty

Why? (demanding)

Moron

Twat

[Criticizes himself sarcastically in the 3rd person]

max specifically:

Horrendous

Look at the state of you

Fucking hell, mate

For fuck’s sake

Jesus Christ

[repeats himself until Lando acknowledges what he said]

Shut the fuck up, I’m done

That is good, I'll give you that

Normal, normally

Don’t pull that face, none of that

Pal, buddy

Brilliant

No chance

We’ll fall out

That’s crap

What is wrong with you

All right!

It’s doing my fucking head in  

An absolute fucking shocker 

Are you mental

Fair play

Good lad

Honestly

other references (longer quotes, an argument transcript, relative bio of teen years, lando analysis):

Lando, mouth full, trying to communicate through just noises “mmm… mhhph mmmf” Max replies “I normally understand those to a degree, but that was another level” 

Max loses his patience “Stop, like why are you tapping so loud. You know what you’re really good at? Finding a fucking annoying noise to make, and then just constantly doing it.”

Lando said, “I don’t have it, Max.” Max replied, “The fact that you said my name there means you’re trying to lie or something, that’s weird, you don’t normally say that”

Lando said, “One of the things I hate the most is being bad at something.” 

[If you in any way question Max’s fashion or make a comment about his hair he will spiral and say] “Wha’ d’you mean?”

After Max ends the unhinged “golden cock” Sergei/Alexander banter, Lando tries to get back to the game, his voice returned to normal, and Max is incredulous. “Don’t just come in here like "what’s next?" all normal, like nothing happened.”

Max told Lando he would be “back in 27 seconds” because "i needed him to know i'd thought about exactly how long i would be gone before i left, instead of saying 30 seconds, which could mean anything,"

Max saw Lando before he knew him, he doesn’t remember why he was at the karting track, Lando was driving around in a little kart, he was “just tiny, mate,“ nine years old. Max even remembers the black and orange helmet Lando’d been wearing, and he just watched him for a few laps. (“You were just watching?” / “Yeah someone said, that kid won, or something.” / “I never won a race in cadets” / “They must have just said you were fast”) bankai asked: “have you been following bob around since he was nine” and max says “original fanboy”

Max talking about watching an unboxed with Lando, “I like watching them, but it is weird seeing you in them.” “Why?” “I dunno… just, I don’t know. Just don’t see you as that ‘F1 Driver,’ it’s weird. It’s just different for me.”—[Lando laughs]—“They are cool.”

Max taking too long to come back to the game, Lando sounded mad. “Stop fucking kissing her, Max, and hurry the fuck up.”

Monaco argument >> In a Dec 2021 stream, (chat called Max Lando's dog and his wag, he refuted both claims), they had an argument about max moving to monaco, lando insisting he's protecting max from being lonely and max telling him HE'LL get lonely. max claiming being alone in monaco wouldn't even bother him if he's streaming and offering to take care of the house. lando denying him, saying he's taking care of max and max's slightly sullen "thanks mate" and his Jokes like "chat, he doesn't want me there. he's ditched me. it's over. relationship's over. it's done." like the energy of the entire conversation is that they've had it many times before and max is not easy and compliant with lando leaving him behind, but lando is not listening because he's sure he knows better

Lando yelling at Max to kill a scav, Max did, but not fast enough, Lando was muttering under his breath and Max paused to take out an earbud, "Are you giving me attitude?" and then when Lando continued to bitch, mimed throwing the water from Lando's waterbottle on him

Lando ranting on iRacing in Sept 2024 that "people in racing think you never have to back out, no matter what, like that's somehow become a rule" (in iracing? he was asked) "no, in real life as well. Somehow it's become a Thing that you never have to back out, you're somehow always in the right."

Max saying "I don't want to be alone again" about getting into a different heat on iRacing and Lando singing back "story of my life..."

Lando will say things like "Look at my perfection, look at how well I do or did, I was unstoppable," other bragging just to piss Max off

Yes / No / Yes / No arguments (they just say the same statements with different and more pointed inflection each time as if to make the other person accept by force of will without any actual convincing or argument, just emphasis, as if the one who is more certain will win and the more unsure one will yield the point and pivot to a new one or end the argument. one of them always yields and pivots after a few back-and-forths)

Lando says Max is "struggling be cause he's not been kissed in the last five minutes" and that in his group chat "I record every time they kiss in public" (Max protests that he just makes the number up, like the time he said they'd kissed 44 times before 10am and Lando said "I swear it's true") and that he "can't describe how awkward it is going around with Max because he's freaking kissing" and like Lando will be driving the car in the front and all he can hear is wet kissing sounds from behind him.

Lando said about Max kissing "He just goes in so fast, you know like all the nerds you see on the movies where they kind of shut their eyes and like" he mimicked both Max sticking out his tongue and making exaggerated Mwah sounds

Max said Lando often struggles at golf but "every two months or so he'll have a blinder, and then he'll be in absolute turmoil again"

the whole recurring bit with them sharing a wardrobe, the Quadrant video with the "whose shoes are those?" "whose joggers are those? "whose hoodie is that?" bit, something the fact that it kept going even after they moved apart like in singapore 2022 lando claims max is wearing his pants, shoes, and top, and max denies it

Lando listens to the voice notes he gets in DMs and goes through them, sometimes with his mates, to laugh. He says sometimes they're very weird, that "Some people are up to no good in their lives and need to focus on.... other things... but they are funny, they are just weird. The voice notes always make me laugh."

Lando interview with Tom Daley->"I am a competitive guy and I hate losing. So you put that all together and I love being in control. I hate being out of control, so like I hate being a passenger in a car. I really hate it unless I'm like backseat you know headphones on watching a movie. I'm a terrible terrible passenger cuz I don't feel in control of of what's happening."

Max in July 2021 checking to make sure Lando wasn't watching his stream before saying "I gotta give my hats off to Lando for helping me, obviously with streaming, Quadrant, giving me a bit of purpose this year, you know, something to do and enjoy doing while I'm not racing, keep my mind off things, so yeah thanks to him... he's looked after me. I appreciate that."

Random Facts

By April 2023, Max had never seen Star Wars

Lando wears size 9 shoes or 8.5, he said his feet were a tiny bit bigger than Max's, but who knows if he's telling the truth about that as they can share shoes

When asked what animal he would reincarnate as, Lando said hippopotamus and Max said sea urchin (so he can he in the ocean and stab people when they step on you) or plankton 

Lando always tries to get off the plane fast, impatient, walking quickly, doesn’t like getting stuck behind people

Lando said Mcdonalds chicken nuggets may be the best things ever made

Lando used to play around with a lighter

Max drinks tea quite strong

There were periods when Lando was younger where he’d play games for 36 hours straight

Max's eyes are green, Lando's are blue gray (when he built his VR character he gave it blue eyes) but have some golden brown threads in the middle that I think can make them seem greenish in some lights

Lando likes to travel with a book to look smart but he never reads it just carries it around or puts it on the table.

Lando snores loudly and people have complained about it

Max likes cats despite being allergic, Lando likes dogs more

Lando's brother's dog is named Uno. Max had a cats named Lala growing up. His family has a cat named Bobby (not after Lando, allegedly).

Lando likes to wear hoodies because they make his long neck less noticeable

Lando travels heavy with every possible bag, shoe bag, rucksack, all his computer stuff (“Im such a nerd”). He's got a tablet for movies and some games, work emails but he rarely checks those 

Lando smells like Sure deodorant, and a mix of Louis Vuitton L'Immensite, Tom Ford Ombré Leather, and Dior Sauvage. He likes the smell of all of them so he puts them all on.

Lando works harder on strengthening his neck compared to some other drivers, as others can rest their head against the side while turning to deal with the G-forces, but if Lando tries that and gets his eyes off-level, he can't drive. His brain doesn't like it.

Lando will nap and his neck will be at a 90 degree angle

Max's birthday is July 29 and Lando's is November 13, both 1999

Here's the link to the bios of people who show up in Max's chat

When Lando was around 13-14yo he would spend days on designs for stickers for people's phones or visors, and would go around the paddock in karting trying to sell them to earn a little money.

Lando's favorite gifts are really big paintings people have done that he can put on his walls

When asked what kind of dad he wanted to be, he said "strict" in terms of manners and having good respectful values

In 2024 Max could check Lando's sleep stats because they're in a group with their whoop bands

Max is fine with chopsticks for everything but rice

On stream Max said that when he was at peak fitness as a driver, when he was so strong and also so light, at max he did a plank for up to 6min

Relative Biographies

So Lando’s dad’s British and his mom is from Belgium, not that it matters but I think he was raised somewhere in the country near Glastonbury in Somerset. He has an older brother and two younger sisters. Max’s parents are also from the UK but he spent his youngest years in Singapore and Malaysia, his dad’s in finance. He has a younger brother.

Max started karting in Asia, and started winning everything there, just like crazy talented and obsessed with racing. His parents decided to move back to the UK largely to let him get on the European karting track (the only one that really matters to get to the highest tiers of motorsport). He moved back to the UK when he was like 9 or 10 to kart.  I think I saw that he was homeschooled, so basically all in on karting.

While Max and Lando started karting together in 2010 with Ricky Flynn Motorsport, Max said he remembers seeing Lando practicing before they met, so back in 2009 soon after moving to the UK. They spent a lot of those formative years of 10-13 together, traveling all over for races and competing against each other. Lando became the youngest karting world champion in 2013, and Max was not, but he was competitive and they were on the podium together at that time.

Lando moved up to car racing in 2014, but Max did not. It took until 2015 for him. Lando was younger than him, but already ahead. It’s hard to overstate just how fast Lando shot up through the lower ranks to the very highest tier of motorsport by the time he was 18, with McLaren putting him on teams with Fernando Alonso and things. He won everything he tried on the first attempt and moved up. Max’s career was respectable, but it wasn’t like that. 

In 2015 Max started racing single-seaters, and Lando won British F4, and started going abroad and started winning there too, in Italy, in New Zealand. Max wasn’t there yet. In 2016 Max did British F4 with Carlin, a good team, winning the championship at the final race at Brands Hatch. Lando won Formula Renault, among other things. He won a couple awards at Motorsport Awards.

In 2017 Max’s first year of Formula Renault was mixed, winning the rookies’ title but was not super high in the championship, meanwhile Lando won F3.

The next year Max switched to a more successful team and did win the Eurocup in 2018, and got into the Renault driver academy. Lando got second in F2, despite leading most of the season, because of some unfortunate DNFs later in the season, George won. He was also on reserve for McLaren and drove in a F1 practice session.

In 2019 Max drove in F3, got a couple of podium finishes, but got 10th overall. 2019 of course was Lando’s first season in F1 and the birth of the Carlando juggernaut, he was a very successful rookie and rising star. He was streaming on Twitch more regularly, and got Max to set up his own Twitch channel in September 2019, to as few as like 15 viewers, playing games and hanging out with chat and Lando’s building a platform there too,

In 2020 Max raced in F3 again, but he dropped out before the end of the season, and has said that he struggled with depression. He moved back in with his parents. Lando got first F1 podium and had a great year, got huge on twitch, and he founded quadrant, became CEO of his little brand media company thing. I think he was living alone in his house in Woking. 

2021 Lando’s career continues to do well, podiums and things. He almost wins at Sochi but misjudged the wet tires and slid in a really heartbreaking final laps thing. I don’t know what Max was up to early in the year, I suspect kind of aimless playing golf and streaming on Twitch and figuring things out, but by the middle of the year, Lando announced him as part of quadrant and had Max move in with him. 

They streamed together and were stupid domestic, sharing clothes sometimes. I think they were both single at the beginning but had girlfriends by the end of their time together. Living together ended at the end of the year before Lando moved to Monaco and refused to bring Max along because he didn’t want to be lonely even though Max obviously really wanted to come and even offered to like take care of the house etc. Just a wild convo they had on stream in Dec 2021. 

Lando Analysis

SO on one hand, lando's a simple guy in his mid-twenties with ordinary human needs, like he needs to eat, sleep, be active, play games, socialize, race, etc. he travels and stays fit, drives the car, parties and rests. most of the time he's not in distress. he enjoys life and gets to do lots of cool things. on the other hand, he’s a seething mess of ego and insecurities with complex emotional needs.

his ego is pretty big, like despite being humble about it, he knows he’s one of the best in the world at an incredibly strenuous and glamorous activity. he has the confidence it requires to get behind the wheel of an F1 car and risk all that danger to defeat legendary champions. he didn't win for a long time, but he bought into the mclaren project and stuck it out there for long enough to win.

he also has the confidence (and money) to start a company, the insight and experience about the internet to build a brand, all his years online taught him a great deal, and he has a large team of smart people around him helping him succeed. he's very young, but has quite a lot of power and authority and attention.

his ego is a bit brittle though, naturally, and there are ways in which he is vulnerable to spiraling. there are lots of reasons for that. he feels inferiority and anxiety about making people happy, and he turns inward and is intensely self-critical.

he definitely used to be small, with a big, cool older brother, in the middle with younger sisters. he has very loving and supportive parents who helped him do what he wanted to do, giving him a bedrock belief that he’s loved and special. while he gained some close friends through karting, but he was kind of a loner as a teen, a gamer, introverted and a little bit weird, until he got older and more social, getting with girls etc.

i think he's said he’s dyslexic, not interested in school, but not at all stupid, which must've been frustrating. he hates being bad at things and will try very hard to avoid it. he wants people to be happy, to please them and be accepted by them. i think he probably learned to be annoying to beg for attention, but he doesn’t want too much attention now he’s famous, or he only wants attention from a small number of people he holds close.

he just didn’t win while for a long time when he was very small, and that was formative. he didn’t really believe he could, but he did the work without having the expectation of success, because he enjoyed it yes but also i suspect as if openly wanting it would make it disappear, almost walking backward into success. even now he doesn't think of the end result, but just about what he has to do next and tries to make that as good as possible.

[analysis of lando's size kink here]

Example Argument Transcript (from here):

Max reads chat question, “Who’s better at golf?”

Lando brags. “I absolutely dominated today on the golf course.”

“But, would you say, like—”

Lando talks over him. “And, as they say in life, you’re only good, as good, as your last game.” 

Max rolls his eyes and Lando shrugs like the point he made was obvious and he won.

“You done?” Max asks.

“I mean, I have no more… that was like a mic drop moment, mate. That’s like my mic just dropped. There’s nothing else to say.”

There's a long pause. Lando grins like he knows he’s being annoying. 

Max can't let it lie. “But you said I am actually better than you.” 

“Yeah, well you were. Until today.” 

Max smiles with his mouth not his eyes. Lando grins too. 

“I love how you’re actually going to commit to saying ‘Yeah, you are,’ and then you realize—”

“I AM better.” 

“You’re not!” Max slaps his waterbottle against his hand for emphasis. 

“Today, I was better, mate.”

“Today, yes.” 

“If today was the world championship, I won.”

“No, but overall, I win more.”

“Well it doesn’t matter though, ‘cause you’re only as good as your last game.” 

“Yeah, ok, you’re going to be that—”

“I’ve made improvements!”

“Are you going to be that stubborn?”

“I’ve made improvements… I’ve just overtaken you in the game of golf.” 

A pause, but Max just can't let that go. “Well I won yesterday.” 

“That’s yesterday. No one cares about yesterday.”

“We didn’t play yesterday, the day before.” 

“No one cares about that.”

“Yeah, but I, like, if we play ten games, I’ll win seven.” 

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No?”

“Yes!”

“Not with how well I’ve been playing la-today.”

“No.”

“Exactly.”

“No—”

“No, you won’t win.” 

“—I’ll win seven.”

“No, you won’t.”

“Yeah, I will!”

“No, you won’t.”

“I will!”

“No, you sliced every single one of your drivers.” 

Max turns his body to face him, looking at him directly. “No, I didn’t.” 

Lando seems gleeful to have gotten the reaction, crowing, “Yes, you did.” And laughing as he said “not one driver! I think you wouldn’t’ve ended up on a fairway!” 

“Yeah I did!”

“When?” 

Max turns back forward with arms crossed, thinking. “On the…”

“Ok, let’s go, let’s do this, chat. First one? No. Second one? No. Third one? Water. Fourth one?”

Max interrupts his rhythm. “Where were you on the third one?”

Lando ignores him. “Where’d your fourth one go?” 

Max repeats himself. “Where were you on the third one?”

Lando concedes. “I also went into the water.”

“There you go, yeah.”

“Once!”

Max affects a deeply sarcastic accent “Acting like Tiger Woods out here.”

“Once! What about all the rest of my drives? That wasn’t even a driver!” 

“No—”

“That wasn’t even a drive, all good.” 

“You were good, you were good with the drive today, I’ll give you that, but you’re not like that normally.”

“That’s what I said. I’ve improved.” 

“Yeah no, you were shocked.” 

“But I have! Improved!”

“Better, but you don’t, you won’t, if we play again tomorrow, you won’t do that.”

“Yes, I will.” 

“No, you won’t.” 

“Yes!”

“No chance.” 

“Yes, mate.”

“I’m going to video your first drive tomorrow. Guarantee it’s right.” 

“No.”

“Yes.”

“I’ll try to hook it so badly—”

Max talks over him saying something else. “It’s not going to be straight. It’s not going to do that.” Max mimes a ball flying straight ahead.

“It will.”

“No chance.” 

“It will!”

“You were even like… oh my god, woah.” 

“Yeah, ‘cause I unlocked something.” 

Intense eye contact. Max smiles, almost predatory. “Yeah? What was that? What’ve you done? Do you remember?”

“Yes, I do!”

“What was it?”

“I’m not going to tell you, ‘cause I don’t want you to get better!”

Max sits up incredulously. “It’s not going to work for my swing. It’s totally different!”

“Well it is!”

“How?”

Lando throws his arm up miming a ball curving in the air. “‘Cause you’re slicing as well!” 

Max sits back and crosses his arms, looking away. 

“This is Max’s shot shape.” Lando mimes a ball shooting forward and curving in front of Max’s face, almost touching him, twice, laughing between and making a loud, adolescent rocket sound, generally being extremely annoying.

“If you do that again, I’m going to draw my hand left across your fuckin face.” 

“You can just do this.” Lando mimes a smacking motion on himself.

“Bosh.” Max pretends to hit him. 

Lando makes a few more rocket sounds.

Max is unable to let it lie. “Normally, you’re not that good.” 

“Yeah, but…”

“Today you were!”

“People improve, Max! People improve! And today, I was unstoppable.” Lando pulls out his cell phone around now, keeping it hidden, and turns on the keyboard clicking sound to prepare to annoy Max a different way.

Max rolls his eyes and repeats the word unstoppable with utmost derision. “Unstoppable… fucking hell, it’s like you’re acting like you hit nine under.” 

“I was unstoppable,” Lando insists. 

“Beat me by like four shots and I played horrendous. Four shots only!”

Lando begins typing and looks up at Max to watch his face, waiting to see him get irritated.

Max glowers straight ahead. “Is that loud enough?”

It does not stop. Max turns to face him again and glares and Lando gives him an impish smile. 

Max says “Stop!” repressively. He reaches for the phone and Lando pulls it back, smiling widely and in an indescribable tone of voice, all the lower registers gone, sounding like he did when he was younger. “I wasn’t even typing anything for the whole thing I was just trying to annoy you.”

They look at each other. Lando said something coy and inaudible.

Max smacks him. “Don’t. Don’t do that!”

Lando cackles.

[maplesyrupsainz]

˖⁺｡˚⋆˙finally | LN4 ˖⁺｡˚⋆˙

pairing: lando norris x y/n reader (she/her)

genre: social media au, friends to lovers

warnings: fluff only lol btw TW luisa pics for tht one anon im soo sry im so sry

summary: in which no one believes that you and your boyfriend are actually dating despite both your efforts to hard launch

a/n: took me ages to start this but i couldn't stop thinking about this storyline gahahaaa

request!!!: hiiiiii!!! i wanted to request a lando social media thingy?? where you're childhood friends to lovers and want to soft launch but nobody notices because you're always affectionate or sumn like that🥺

fc: various brunette girls from pinterest

my masterlist

twitter ->

instagram ->

yourusername posted a story

liked by oscarpiastri, alex_albon, and 134,288 others

oscarpiastri soft launching?

yourusername 😊

landonorris 😘

yourusername 🧡

user4 omg u got a man!!

user5 OMGG WHO!!

user6 spill the beansss

user7 wonder what lando thinks about this

landonorris

liked by yourusername, carlossainz55, and 682,799 others

landonorris ⛳️

view all 9,284 comments

carlossainz55 i'll win next time 🥇

landonorris keep dreaming

yourusername aww look at us

landonorris 😘💋

user8 does he have a gf

user9 urm not that we know of

user10 who is the gf??

user11 idk but i'd be annoyed at that pic of y/n & lando

user12 love carlando golfing together still

oscarpiastri lol

landonorris i thought it was obvious

yourusername 😭😭

user13 ???

yourusername

liked by landonorris, yourbff, and 201,384 others

yourusername me & my bracelets & my lando

view all 5,304 comments

landonorris why would you post that picture of me

yourusername funny

user14 LOL i love them

user15 are they dating??

user16 no way. they're childhood best friends

user17 he's down baddd

user18 i would hate to be dating either of them they're soo close to each other

user19 the bracelets awww she's such a sweet girl

oscarpiastri 💀

yourusername stop it you

landonorris hahahaha

user20 what is thisss

messages ->

twitter ->

messages ->

instagram ->

yourusername

liked by landonorris, oscarpiastri, and 321,894 others

yourusername 🩷

view all 8,128 comments

landonorris 😀😀😀

user24 wait?

user25 are they dating

user26 surely not

user27 omg they're sooo cute together

liked by yourusername

user28 something is going on here

user29 🐟🐟🐟

user30 wait was lando's tweet serious

user31 idk i think they're just close bffs??

oscarpiastri so close yet so far

yourusername 😰😰😰

landonorris 😤😤😤

landonorris posted a story

liked by yourusername, oscarpiastri, and 498,136 others

oscarpiastri hahahahahah ur trying soo hard

landonorris im hard hard launching.

user32 hmmmm

user33 keep dreaming

user34 okay im convinced

user35 are you actually dating

landonorris YES WE ARE

yourusername posted a story

liked by landonorris, carlossainz55, and 237,183 others

oscarpiastri is it working yet

yourusername will keep u updated

landonorris pls god let it work

user36 ok im starting to believe

user37 omg they're dating

user38 wait have they been trying to hard launch this whole time & no one believed them..?

user39 OMG THEY'RE IN LOVE

user40 landoy/n nation rise

yourusername

liked by landonorris, danielricciardo, and 791,394 others

yourusername THIS IS MY BOYFRIEND (real) (not a prank) (i literally love him guys)

tagged: landonorris

view all 13,293 comments

danielricciardo finally

landonorris finally? not like we've been rubbing it in everyone's faces and no one believed us

user41 he's so sick of it hahaha

user42 most sincere apologies to the happy couple for doubting them

user43 i can't believe they're actually dating

user44 IT'S REAL???

user45 y/n is lando mad at us

yourusername very much so but he'll get over it dont worry

landonorris not sure i will actually

user46 please forgive us lando

user47 WE'RE SORRY LANDO

liked by yourusername, landonorris, oscarpiastri

oscarpiastri and you guys got there in the end!

yourusername thanks for bullying us the whole time

landonorris btw i have loved you for so long and will continue to love you for even longer

THE END 🧡

[sunspira]

the number one most interesting analysis anyone ever made about the legend of korra is that the benders in republic city were clearly an oppressed and exploited population. NOT the non-benders. and therefore the equalists are nothing more than essentially a nazi party or kkk or other hate group that likes to masquerade itself as the victims to a scapegoat minority that is somehow a danger to normal people in order to oppress and eradicate them.

the most compelling evidence that benders actually represent and function as marginalized people is that they occupy characteristic marginalized roles in society. organized crime, factory laborers, pro-sports, music and film entertainment. (ESPECIALLY the more physically taxing high impact sports such as boxing and football!! the fighting ring nature of pro-bending absolutely reflects this. this is no golf tournament). with those roles that offer any hope of upward mobility being limited to only a few and as inherently exploited by producers as it is. or otherwise abject poverty in city slums.

non benders such as Mr. Sato own large successful corporations. benders do labor for him. benders do cheap manual labor for low pay in the early 20th century steampunk metaphor city and live in slums. while the ruling class non-bender turned out to be a raging bigot funding the equalist "movement"

so when korra yells at the equalist cunt doing a little infowars rant in the park and tells him to "shut up" and "im not oppressing you!! you're oppressing yourself" and everyone got mad at her for on tumblr being a bigot you were all wrong she was out there tearing down the zionist missing person propoganda posters before i even knew what the IDF stood for she was the fucking legend forever

AND she said acab !!!

[mikeyreilly]

Oml I haven't seen like any trevor fiction or blurbs or anything and I miss my pookie rn I need some trevor thing pleaseeee like anything

we are gonna stick to enemies to lovers

you are def luke's best friend from umich

always around the boys and always invited to the lake house

trevor hates that you and luke are connected at the hip and that you are always around

he thinks you are so annoying and honestly, he can't stand you

you hate trevor because he is loud and annoying and can't seem to stop showing off

you two are always at each others throats when you are at the lake house

quinn, jack, and luke sometimes need to physically separate you two

jack likes to joke that if you two just slept together, everything would be solved

"as if i would ever sleep with her jack. have you seen her?"

"yeah jack, trevor probably has never even made a girl cum."

"in your dreams princess."

"oh you fucking wish."

after that day, things start changing for you and trevor. neither of you can stop thinking about what jack said

trevor thinks: 'was y/n always this pretty?', 'has she always been this funny?', 'why do i hate her again?'

you thinks: 'maybe trevor is nice?', 'was he always this attractive?'

the next week, the boys and y/n are all at the golf course

you don't know how to play so you insists on staying in the golf cart but trevor begs you to let him teach you

the entire time they are playin golf, trevor can't stop thinking about your little golf skirt and how good his arms feel wrapped around yours

you can stop thinking how close he is to you and how good his cologne smells

the entire time you two are golfing, trevor and you are cracking jokes and messing with each other

you miss the looks that the hughes boys give you and you definitely miss the looks trevor gives you when he knows you aren't paying attention

about halfway through the game i feel like trevor takes a big leap of faith and starts to whisper sweet nothings in your ear

"y/n, you look really cute in that little skirt. i think it would look nicer on the floor of your room tonight.", "it's taking everything in me to not kiss you right now. you are so beautiful. have i ever told you that?", "i don't know what changed this summer, but i think im starting to like you."

you are blushing like a mad woman and turn to hide your face in trevor's chest

after what felt like forever, you finally look up at trevor and he's already looking down at you

you pull him in for a quick peck on the lips

"how about you take me on a date handsome?"

luke is trying not to puke, jack is handing quinn $20, and quinn is smiling like a big older brother

i like to think that quinn is the only one who knew that you and trevor would end up together

[writingamarie]

okay so overall i didn’t hate it. there were things i didn’t like. and random thoughts i had this is about to be long…

there was too much humor surrounding gerrard for me. it’s like we took the begins episode bigot and leveled him out. listen i don’t want them to work for a bigot but they do and i don’t want it to be funny…

and like i get that chris hung out with tommy. maybe a little weird to have him as a part of the video birthday surprise but i guess we didn’t get to know a lot about chris and tommys dynamic.

i will die on the hill that the diaz parents are awful and if they get the 911 parent redemption treatment i will actually struggle with that. helena acts like eddie being shut out of chris birthday is no big deal and then literally walks away from the computer to sing?? like bring your son with you. she does not actually care about eddie and it hurts me.

honestly it’s good buck didn’t punch gerrard even if i wanted him to. and i like seeing some of my favorite buck traits making an appearance again. his info dumps and just how he processes everything around him. but saving gerrard would make sense for buck somehow playing golf with him.

thoughts i wrote during the episode:

eddie being the one to tell buck to keep his head down. yikes. like do you know buck??

bucks animal knowledge!! i missed my little info spiral buck

fucking independent thinking. fuck gerrard

fucking tommy

that was weird flirting. why do they have awkward high schooler energy? like im all for multi shipping but i dont like tommy’s past or how it’s been glossed over. but that aside that was not sexy i like my boyfriend energy it was kinda lame. like i was back being a weird theatre kid hiding behind couches with other weird theatre kids at parties

fuck chris… didn’t even stay for buck. like that hurts. stay mad you grumpy teenager. you are your fathers sassy asshole kid

i hate eddie’s parents. if they have a redemption arc i will revolt. they are terrible parents to eddie

haha i’m so glad i didn’t replace you with an ai

i would also stampede if bees swarmed

check for booboos god he’s an ass

i’m sorry buck sprayed eddie with bee attracting perfume????

omg eddie’s little run that’s so funny.

duct tape fixes everything haha

you want a trophy. seriously this man is so old and awful

omg changing flights. no athena

is it awful to hope this man dies on the plane?

oh no this actor is gonna drive bobby nuts

buckward omg

omg buck saved the bigot

and onto another 70s disaster movie

[imraespace]

i havw rhe weirdest problem ever and i wanna get rid of it SOOOO BADLY BC IM LIKE.

1. Irrelevant in the persons life.

2. IDK WHO THEY ARE IN REALITY

3. IDK WHO BOTH OF THEM ARE ACTUALLY

4. I HAVE NEVER TALKED TO BOTH OF THEM PROPERLY.

5. THEYVE BEEN FRIENDS FOR SO LONG PROBABLY

6. I think im honestly just a hater. 💔

7. If i cant be in a happy relationship NOOO ONE CAN!!!! /j HELPME

basically background context whenever i see friend 1 interact w this specific friend that i dont really like for some reason i reallt dont know why i dont like them they just pmo for no reason like they could do a keyboard spam and id be like SHUT UP LIKE HELP THEY DDINT DO ANYTHING IDK WHY IM SO MAD BUT BASICALLT THEY JSUT MAKE ME MAD FOR NO REASON AT ALL but theyre like close friends with moot 1 and like theyre practically together at this point situationship ahh or they dont wanna admit theyre dating but IT MAKES ME SO MAD BC AT THIS POINT JUST ADMIT ITTTT IM SO INVESTED IN THEIR LIVES TO THE POINT MY STOMACH DROPS WHENEVER THEY INTERACT W EACH OTHER AND ITS WAY TOO LOVEY DOVEY FOR MY LIKING. I WANT TO GAG. WHENEVER. I. SEE. THEM. If i cant be happy no one can!!!!!!! (part 2) /j

like i honestly don’t want them to be dating bc if they are im afraid im gonna make the world flip upside down and start spinning the other way around LIKE I THINK ILL BE MAD EITHER WAY IF THEYRE FRIENDS OR DATING HELP BUT I THINK ITS BC OF FRIEND I DONT LIKE. LIKE FRIEND 1 THEYRE FINE LIKE I LIKE THEM IN GENERAL OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT THEYRE FRENCH /j dont cancel me thisis a joek french ppl r great other than certain french canadians they hate me and like every other part of canada like i almost got attacked by a french canadian and i hold trauma from that but the france french ppl are okay.

but friend 1 also makes me mad bc IDK THEY JUST ANNOY ME TOO HELP WHY AM I HATIGN EVERYONE I SWEAR IM NOT THIS MUCH OF A HATER BUT THEIR WHOLE DUO IS SO LIKE?? GIRL????? U GUYS ARE NOT “JUST FRIENDS” STOP SAYING YOU GUYS ARE. IF THEY TRULY ARE JSUT FRIENDS THEN PACK IT UP BRO BECAUSE FRIENDS DO NOT DO WHATEVER THEY DO BE SO SERIOUS RN.

but in conclusion they actually BOTH MAKE ME MAD ATP THEYRE BOTH ANNOYING I HOPE THAT I STOP BEING SO MAD OVER THIS this is porbablt nust jealousy atp bc if i cant be happy no one can!!!! (part 3) /j

actually giys i think everything just makes me mad bc i dropped something yesterday and started tearing up i am at my limit rn because of midterms and my period is soon. 💔

daily question is are you happy because you cant be happy if im not happy NO ONE ELSE CAN!!!! (part 4) /j HELP OK ACTUAL DAILY QUESTION

ERMERMERMERM DO YOU PLAY GOLf. HELP THERES A GOLF COURSE OHTSIDE THE WINDOW IM NEAR

- 🐙

WHAT ARE THESE POINTERS?

HELPME omgoodness..

SITUATIONSHIP HELP also that was me invested a classmate relationship BRO SHE STARES AT PPL WHO TALK TO HER BF LIKE NO ONE WANTS HIM LITERALLY NO ONAAAEAJS

HELLPME LEAVE THAT FRIEND ALONE!! ive never met a french person so! WHAT YOU GTO ATTACKED

HELP THATS ME my friends annoys me sometimes but bc THEY ACT A TAD BIT SLOW LIKE CMON SPEED UP THE PROCESS

I AGREE IF NO ONE HIS HAPPY ILL HATEON YOUR RELATIONSHIP BOOHOO unless like I like you or you're my friend or sum.. ill still hate tho..

NOOOAOS ill send my love to you dw popo!!

NO ACTUALLY IM NAWT HAPPY A GROUP OF BOYS SAW MY YOUNGER BROTHER HOLDING MY AHND AND SAID "LOVE IS LOVELY" BOY DONT LET ME THROW MY BAG AT YOU FYM LOVE IS LOVELY??? ANYONE WITH EYES WILL NOTICE THAT HE LITERALLY LOOKS LIKE ME AND THEN SOME AHHHOLE CALLED ME IMYRA.. WHO IS THATTT IMARA IS NOT THAT HARD TO PRONOUNCE IF YOU CANT JUST SAY MARA OMAGDSKDNH

HELP?? GOLF?? NO I HAVENT

[its-yours-truly]

RANT; copied from my original Discord Rant.

Don't you hate it when people talk about you like your not there?

'she's been on it since she got here crying to her mommy and i'm done.'

Context: My grandma has been in a bad mood w/ me and I don't know why, and today was no different. She told me not to do something while my mom was standing there, and just how she went about it was so rude. And then my mom left and she went upstairs to rant to my grandpa, and i went up when she came back down -i do it to avoid the negativity-. I go down to eat and everything, but she seems so mad. So i stay upstairs, and I see that text. She thinks I told my mom to pick me up at 6 for a dentist appointment ride-along. No. I am going to see my mom's grandma, who's 80. I tell my mom, and my dad texts my grandma and calls my grandpa, and my grandma comes upstairs to chew me out. Here's how I explained it to my mom:

'comes up here and tells me she's done nothing wrong and just basically said I ran upstairs as soon as I got here and she said this is the reason i'm getting picked up early in the morning and I tried to explain that wasn't the case and she said 'i don't give a ----' under her breath and just went downstairs.'

So now tonight I'm powerwashing her chromebook and leaving it in the morning when I leave. I understand that asking my grandpa if I could sleep upstairs after being told I needed to sleep on an air mattress is kind of disobeying, but I was going to tell her he said yes if he did. That air mattress is uncomfy and I literally DEFLATED that sucker because it was so bad. My grandpa thought I was trying to get out of staying ever again. No. I like staying over, but it's the fact I get treated like that. It hurts..

AND IM NOT EVEN GOING TO MY GREAT GRANDMA'S TOMORROW SHE'S GOLFING

[ask-a-simple-hero]

“It’s okay, I have more! And I still need to check some stuff out down here anyways...”

[jrueships]

NO. NONONONONOOOONO NO N O ! NOOOO NONONONONOOOOoooOOOoOOooHWWYYWHHhYYYYY ( J O S H 😡😡😡. )

. Ok.

SOMEBODY COME GET ME R I G H T?!?!? HMMMMMM STEF I WONDER WHO GOLFS. AND LOVES GOLF. AND TAKES VIDEOS OF HIM GOLFING. AND JUST DID A GOLF TOURNEY VIDEO THING WITH TWO HOMOPHOBES + MAHOMES. HMMMM hMMMM o H ? is it JOS H HHHH??? oh em GEEE this is so. SURPRRIIISSSING and not at ALL your MASTERplan for S*Xi FUCKCIGN HDHAYWYTEEEEE YOYUUUUUUU

was the back shot (literal) necessary 😑.

[fluffylino]

who is who?

(minors please do not interact, reblogging and leaving feedback is highly appreciated <3)

wc: 734

summary: you come home to find your boyfriend lazing on the couch. but that can't be him if you'd just eaten dinner together at a restaurant.

prompt: alter ego ig

wrote this cause who isn't horny for minho? and two minhos?!

imp:

bold = boyfriend minho

italic = altered minho

enjoy ♡

.

.

.

your mind went blank upon seeing another minho sitting on the couch. he looked exactly like your boyfriend but something was off.

his vibe was different. almost a bit terrifying.

his clothes were different and his hair was a shade of purple. a golf club was resting in his hand and empty cans were scattered all over the floor.

he was in a sitting-sleeping position. feet covered with what looked like extensively used boots.

"w-who are you?" you stuttered, instinctively hiding behind the real minho. the minho you knew.

"so you're dating this one?" the other mumbled. there was an unusual amount of sharpness in his tone and annoyance in his eyes. it pissed you off.

"shut up"

"baby, i can explain..?" you looked at your boyfriend with a bewildered expression. so he knew whatever the fuck was going on right now. who would've thought that on a random saturday night, you'd be facing two minhos.

"this is well...me, he's my alter ego i think."

"you think?"

"look, i found him a couple of months back and he kept pestering me about the life i lived"

"he's a criminal. a big fucking one. pretty rich too and so very laid back that i want to kick his ass"

"you do know i'm right here. just fucking talking shit about me like-"

"don't curse at minho or i'll ring your neck" it didn't mean to come out like that but you were scared, confused and honestly a little turned on.

it felt so wrong. seeing the man who treated you like royalty and the same man who was literally a crime lord.

"Don't fucking talk back to me" the purple haired minho hissed out, standing up amd walking to where the two of y'all stood. the coldness of the golf club under your chin made you shiver.

"And you don't talk to her like that."

he rolled his eyes and soon focused on you. a fire burning bright in his eyes.

"be content i haven't split you open"

you really hate your brain. like really. this shouldn't be the time to crack dirty jokes or think dirty thoughts but how could you not?

so before minho can even go any further, you're pulling him in by the strings of his robe.

"so then do it sir"

"split me open with your cock" to add to the effect you add a whiny please~

he pulls back. blinks and then blinks again before looking at the other.

"she's a total brat didn't i tell you? i told you she'd feed off you being mean to her"

Oh, so this was a test? A game?

your heart skips a beat when you feel four eyes on you. one filled with a mixture of satisfaction and the other filled with amusement.

"not even satisfied with his cock? i bet I can make you see stars" he mumbles and you've never wanted to drop down on your knees so fast.

"we're literally the same person, you bitch" your boyfriend says to himself.

he looks mad. you like when he looks like he could rail you right into oblivion.

"im guessing, you like being called kitten" you nod so quick, its embarassing. he laughs. and then looks at minho.

"she's really everything we ever dreamed off, aren't you beautiful hm?"

"get ready then, you're taking the two of us tonight"

"and we're not stopping until we've ruined you"

.

.

.

the end.

[sunshineistyping]

Hello can you write Monty teaching fem human reader how to play golf ?

This one is super short but I thought it would be cuter this way

Water

Pairings: Montgomery/Monty x Fem!Reader

Au: None

Warnings: None

———————————————————————

“You’re hitting it too hard.” You huff and cross your arms in anger. You had a deep and ever-burning hatred for golf. You'd never enjoyed it and never really knew how to play. So of course becoming close with someone like Monty would cause issues. He was a God at golf and wanted you to play with him. When you explained you didn't know how to play he decided to become your teacher.

“Im not, this club is just wrong.”

“Thats not how that works, your club isn't wrong. You just suck.” He laughs when you gently shove him. He of course doesn't move but still finds the gesture cute. You growl at his laugh, this man has been teasing and making side comments all day. He knew you were horrific at golf despite all his teachings but he made you carry on anyway.

“What, you're not giving up now, are you?”

“Id never give up, I will win, hand me the ball.”

“Sure thing, but when you lose don't say I didn't warn you.”

“Fuck off.” You gently hit the golf ball. This is around the tenth or so hole and it is incredibly easy for this thing to fall inside the water. You watch it carefully roll up beside the hole. Alright, this will be easy. You line up for the second hit and just before you hit the ball Monty lets out a loud cough. You jump and accidentally hit the ball too hard, you hit it hard enough that you heard the little ‘Plip’ noise as it fell into the water. That asshole doesn't even need to cough! You turned to him with a pissed expression, he simply pulls his glasses low enough to see his eyes and smirks.

“You really should focus more.”

“I hate you.”

“Love you too Princess, now move and let me show you how a man plays this game.”

“You’re such- you know what. Fine.” You let him line up his ball and just as he hits it you ‘accidentally’ step between the ball and the hole. The little white ball hits your foot and slides into the water beside the one you had hit.

“Damn, maybe you should’ve focused more.”

“You’re such a little cheater.”

“Says the one who scared me so I’d fuck up.”

“Whatever, that’s enough lessons for today.”

“Get owned Gator Boy.” You laugh as he ruffled your hair. He wasn’t really mad since this was just how you played with each other. In fact, he loved it. As long as you both were having fun then he didn’t mind what rules were broken or who won or lost. That’s pretty rare considering who he is. Then again, considering who you are? It’s no question that you’re the one who changed his view on it.

———————————————————————

[nagipops]

hii I love your blogs sooo much you're really talented (I just needed to say it sorry) so straight to the point, I already made 2 requests to you and I really enjoyed your writing so I would like to make another again. As I'm clueless about what to request I'll just ask for random hcs for konoha 11, idk if it's too much but if so then you can do with Neji (I love him so much), Kakashi and Naruto. Thank you in advance and sorry anything ^^

RANDOM KONOHA 11 HEADCANONS!

FEATURING: naruto, sakura, shikamaru, ino, choji, neji, rock lee, tenten, kiba, hinata, and shino

WARNINGS: mentions alcohol, drugs, food, bugs, and the tiniest nsfw mention if you get the joke. hehe

A/N: AHHHH ANONN this seriously made my day, im so so glad you enjoy my work!! 💖

NARUTO

you know how we all have “the chair”, where we throw all of our dirty clothes onto?

yeah, imagine that, but from the seat to the fricking ceiling

its just a GINORMOUS MOUND of clothes, you wonder how he even goes through that many clothes so quickly???

definitely shoves it under his bed whenever guests come over (somehow)

holds chopsticks really weirdly. but it works.

asked tenten to put his hair into space buns to mimic his sexy jutsu and went around flirting with the village

jiraiya was so proud of him T-T

comes up with the WORST pickup lines

they’re so bad, its almost charming. almost

has gone AWOL multiple times, disappearing from everywhere, just everywhere

it scared you a little, so you searched the entire village for him

you finally found him sitting on the ledge of a cliff, gazing out at the vast sea

concerned and panicked, you cried out to ask him what was wrong

he turned to you with a crestfallen, devastated look on his face and said,

“i bought shrimp ramen instead of chicken ramen.”

you’ve never searched for him after his disappearance ever again.

SAKURA

100% makes origami shurikens and chucks them at you

they are deathly precise and deathly sharp. seriously, how are these not illegal weapons yet???

writes threatening motivational notes to herself on the mirror

“u got this!” “make sure to smack naruto today!” “ino sucks!”

her backpack would always be way too high up on her back. idk why but. it would

does her hair all nice and pretty before she goes out but once she arrives to her destination SHE KEEP. TAKING. IT OUT. and redoing it over and over and over again

like it’s impossible to make eye contact with her because she’s holding a bobby pin between her teeth while braiding her hair

her guilty pleasure would be hostess treats

ding dongs are her favorite. don’t ask me how i know, i just know.

eats the yellow starbursts just to spite naruto and all her haters

loves small lap dogs, she think’s they’re so cute and cuddly

but she especially loves chihuahuas

they’re so feisty and naruto HATES them, so of course she had to go and get one for herself

dresses the poor dog up in little bonnets and jackets and ties its tiny fuzzy hairs into pigtails

she and the chihuahua are not that much unlike <3

SHIKAMARU

this man is a god at shogi but he absolutely SUCKSSSS at cup pong.

is this an ick? idk. but he is absolute trash at this game.

it gets even worse when he’s got a couple drinks in him

tries to calculate the velocity and acceleration and angle and shit but his shot is always a good two feet off BYE 😭

just mutters an “aw, shit” before awaiting his turn again

hates checkers, loves chess

“checkers is for WUSSIES” - shikamaru nara

i said this in another post, but he is Very Good at whistling

like that’s his hidden talent

can copy any tune with the perfect pitch and rhythm

speaking of, he can do really cool tricks with his tongue

like making a four leaf clover, touching the bridge of his nose with it, flipping it upside down, you name it

he has slanted, scrawled handwriting, to the point where it’s almost illegible

wbk he cheats in school SO OFTEN. but he never gets caught. he’s not stupid, he just couldn’t care less about his classes.

thinks weed and e-cigs are stupid, cigarettes are where it’s at

you just can’t replicate the feeling of taking a drag from a cig after a long, tiring day

plus he looks hella cool while doing it B)

INO

teaches the boyz™️ how to braid their hair

like they all gather in a circle around this feisty fashionista and fail attempt to braid their hair

sakura was just fuming in the sidelines

“OI, INO-PIG, THAT’S A DUTCH BRAID, NOT A FRENCH BRAID!!”

yeah, ino 🙄

the only one that can actually do it is neji because a) this man is talented af and b) he’s got the long hairrr

ino probably envies his thick, sleek hair because hE’S a bOy

also asks everyone for their blood type and zodiac signs and tells them if they’re compatible with her or not

and definitely judges you for your sign 😣

“oh, you’re a gemini? hmm, what a shame...”

makes bouquets for her favorite people and kin assigns everyone a flower

only assigns the pretty nice ones to the people she likes (sorry sakura, you’re out of luck)

one of her favorite hobbies is crafting! she’s really good with details and small things so she loves making those miniature dollhouses and stuff

also really good at watercoloring. especially painting flowers and landscapes

also i feel like she would be really good at playing any instrument because of her skilled hands

can play a badass flute solo. period.

CHOJI

would honestly rather die than get anywhere NEAR an asparagus

he just thinks they’re so gross and bitter and NOT SALTY

he always eats his yakiniku a little bit undercooked because he’s way too impatient to wait for it to cook fully. who do you think he is??

whenever he cloud gazes with shikamaru, when asked what he thinks a cloud looks like, he just says some sort of food

“oi, choji, what does that one look like to you?”

“a... yakiniku grill... with... pineapple rings on it! ooh, and a wagyu steak right there!”

he thinks pringles are an abomination to society. where’s the crisp? where’s the grease? where’s the saltiness?!!!

asks ino to teach him how to do his hair all fancy and the two of them devote an entire day learning different hairstyles

it’s his new favorite thing to do now :D

he really likes crayons!!!!

like he’ll write with them, draw with them, color with them, do everything with them

he’s even tried to eat them. he said they tasted good.

definitely had the 128 crayon pack WITH THE BUILT-IN SHARPENER, and everyone thought he was the coolest kid in town

he ate it UP, he even scored some bbq dates with the ladies

i also feel like he loves basketball, and he has a MEAN slam dunk

like his vertical isn’t that high, but the man can REACH

he loves when people laugh at him when he challenges them to a 1v1 and then proceeds to absolutely destroy them <3

NEJI

he seems like a cucumber kind of guy.

just cucumber

like i feel like he puts it in everything; soba, salads, sandwiches, his face, yeah

it’s mellow and cool, just like him!

speaking of, i feel like he lives for spa days and facials

it just lets him be alone in his little cucumber scented world for an hour or two and he gets damn clear skin from it as well

seriously he has PERFECT skin. flawless. not a single blemish. his cheeks feel like baby butts they’re so smooth.

i feel like he’d be a god at solving rubik’s cubes, don’t ask me why

like if anyone scrambled theirs on accident they would just take it to neji and he’d solve it in the blink of an eye

CAT PERSON!!! loves the little meow meows

who are we kidding, neji basically is a cat; agile, aloof, does silly things without trying to, very cute

he just feels akin to the little fuzzballs and he thinks petting cats are extremely therapeutic. good for the soul

he is a golf man. he would take his juniors golfing and everyone thinks he’s uncool. cmon neji let them go to the skate park at least T-T

also very good at karaoke, definitely surprised everyone once he got a few drinks in him since he started serenading you

LIGHTWEIGHT!!! do not get more than one shot of alcohol in him. he will go berserk.

i also feel like he’d really love photography; not taking pictures of people, but of nature

he loves taking a quiet stroll through a pretty forest and snapping pictures of all the unique flora and fauna

it’s so serene ︶ ‿ ︶

ROCK LEE

100% milly rocks everywhere

gai got in on it too once he asked what lee was doing

“is that what all the youthful cool kids do these days!”

they also dab together. a lot

DO NOT BE SEEN WITH THESE TWO!!! you are not associated with them.

definitely is the one breakdancing in the middle of the dance circle at a high school party

he’s mad skilled at it too

headspins and windmills galore

challenged naruto to a dance-off and completely OBLITERATED him

lee then asked if naruto wanted a rematch, this time with one hand tied behind lee’s back

naruto obliged, and he STILL lost

RIP naruto and his fangirls, they all scrambled to lee afterwards T-T

i feel like his favorite subject is science

not the boring physics equations and laws and theories but the fun EXPERIMENTS

definitely has singed all of his hair off one time and he went to gai blubbering to help him grow back his precious hair

but he loves experimenting with different combinations and chemicals to get different reactions each time

created a potent love potion and carried it around with him all day one day

and it was actually working

girls were flocking to him left and right, staring at his lips and his face

he was so abashed at the sudden attention

heck, it even worked on sakura

“oi, lee-san!”

“hehe, yes, sakura-san?”

her eyes shifted downwards to his lips and his heart thumped harder

“hey... lee-san?”

“what is it?”

“you have something on your lip. we’ve been trying to tell you all day but you just winked and blew kisses at us.”

legend has it lee has still not recovered to this day.

TENTEN

has THE prettiest handwriting. and she can write SUPER fast

it’s like a superpower

like she transcribed five pages of a report in less than two minutes with perfect handwriting

naruto is so jealous.

she is also super good at origami! those diligent, accurate hands aren’t just for throwing things

taught sakura how to make shurikens but does NOT endorse any violent uses of them

she can replicate all of her weapons with paper and they can actually function, it’s so cool

made paper kunai knives one day and the wholeee village wanted to get their hands on them

i feel like she’d listen to mitski. idk i just get those vibes

LOVES BIG DOGS!! especially fluffy wuffy samoyeds

like man’s best friend?? no, GIRL’S BEST FRIEND!!

hugs and cuddles and squishes all the big dogs

she thinks small dogs are spawns of satan

sakura and her have definitely quarreled over this

but at the end of the day, all dogs are adorable fur babies, so she lets it slide :,)

KIBA

kiba always looks SO GOOD in photos you take of him, candid or not

like you could just whip out a camera and snap a photo of him at any given moment and he would look perfect

you framed a picture of him yelling at akamaru for peeing inside the house

it’s pure artwork

i feel like he tries to swagger around with his hands shoved in his pockets but it fails MISERABLY and the girls are wondering if he broke his leg or something 😭

kiba just walk normally. for the love of god please just walk normally.

he tries to slump back in his chair really low but one time he slouched way too low so he slipped off of his chair and onto the ground LMFAOOOO

he just wallowed there... in shame...

also.. he LOVES when the girls put makeup on him!!

he tries to act like he hates it. but it secretly gives him so much confidence

not to mention the girls hyping him up are a huge ego boost

okay the inside of his jacket hood is the warmest. thing. EVER!!!

seriously, no wonder this dude is so happy-go-lucky all the time, he’s living in literal heaven 24/7

it’s like you’re sleeping on a cloud inside a warm, cozy bed during a cold winter morning

10/10 would recommend letting him give you his sweatshirt when you’re chillin with a hair tie ❤️

HINATA

always smells like lavender soap. always

also has the cutest pencil pouches with little puppy faces and kawaii things

oH and she has those mini yoobi highlighters, she thinks they’re so cute (and functional!)

everyone flocks to her to try them out and marvel at the cute tiny highlighters

and they try to steal them from her but she doesn’t even stop them because she’s too timid to 😭

naruto goes BALLISTIC over them

she lets him have all of them <3

tennis girl!!! tennis girl.

all of her opponents always underestimate her because she’s so timid and shy and quiet

but she has a KILLER serve

and then she takes her opponents to the slaughterhouse with a complete shutout ;)

she’s really athletic believe it or not, she can beat most of the boys in a mile run and she has incredible endurance

i feel like she really loves velvet scrunchies

she just thinks they’re so pretty and they keep her hair soft so they’re cute and functional

also takes the PRETTIEST notes!!

color codes, dividers, headers, you name it, it’s all super readable too its insane

everyone asks her for her notes, not to study but just to appreciate the pure artwork that it is ^w^

SHINO

shino is SO easy to prank

“how do you catch an eyemaster?” *cue naruto and kiba snickering*

“eyemaster bait. that is because—”

even when everyone’s laughing their asses off, he still continues to explain his answer since he does NOT GET THE JOKE

tried his hand at writing haikus

here’s his best one so far:

“Bugs are amazing. That is because they are bugs. Bugs are very nice.” - Shino Aburame

VERY proud of it, since it took him weeks to perfect

praise it, pls

had one of those ant farms and bug-catching kits as a kid

and he would fill the kit TO THE BRIM. LIKE IT WAS HEAVY BECAUSE THERE WERE SO MANY BUGS.

he loves the little chitters of the different bugs

he had jars of different bugs all lined up on a wall shelf in his room

collects silkworms off of trees and sticks them into his pockets (no i definitely did not do this as a kid...)

HELP I FEEL LIKE he would record a timelapse of his ant farm growing and upload it to youtube with a movie maker title screen that says

“my ants”

if you enjoyed this post, likes and reblogs are much appreciated :) feel free to request here, and make sure to read the rules first! have a lovely day everyone <3

[peebeexd]

OHHH ?? HI YES ID LOVE TO HEAR UR HEADCANON(s) HIIII im sitting criss cross apple sauce

ok ok so i actually have a document filled with headcannons from bfb/tpot there isnt very much but here are some i have (the ones that are bolded are the ones i based my crappy sketch on from earlier)

• Puffball hates having to fly people around everywhere so they purposely stopped changing sizes so people dont beg them to fly them around as much. Unfortunately, people still ask her to fly them around and its driving her insane.

Every single time Tennis ball goes into Golf ball’s lab with out her knowing, he leaves little toy dinosaurs in hidden areas and sees how long it takes for her to notice. She’s only found 1 out of the 1000+ dinos he’s hidden (based of something i did when i was around 9 whenever i went into my brother’s room on my own lol)

Pen is embarrassed of his drawings ever since X said harshly critisized him in bfb 5 so now he hides them from everyone, including his best friends (Blocky, Eraser, Snowball). All of his friends are sad because of this and actively encourage him to show his drawings because Pen’s drawings are really good. Pen is very slowly starting to get his confidence back (based on bfb 5)

Fries sometimes eats his own fries’ when no one is looking. Gelatin caught him once and now whenever Fries gets mad at him for taking a fry, he says something along the lines of “but how come you can eat your own fries and i cant?? Unfair! >:(“ and half-jokingly throws a tantrum. This makes Fries embarrassed (half-based of the bfdi recommended character introductions)

Stapy chews on hard things (metal, wood, plastic, etc.) a lot for no reason. This would normally be fine, except for the fact that he has raser sharp teeth and usually breaks things that he keeps chewing. He’s broken multiple pencils, pens, and has even bitten a massive chunk out of his E.X.I.T desk once because of this (based of the time a kid in my class bit so hard on his pen that he broke it)

Fries has a really bad fear of the dark that’s been with him ever since he was a kid and every single time he is in the dark, he always acts like he’s unafraid until he hears something/someone and then he goes into the fetal position and bawls his eyes out

Puffball gets anxious and panicky in the dark only because they can’t see shit, but they don’t actually have a fear of the dark

Barf bag has trouble walking because her knee keeps dislocating and relocating all the time and is supposed to wear a knee brace to keep the knee in place but never wears it because she can’t be fucked having to readjust the brace every 10 minutes (based on me heavily projecting on the ‘Barf bag has a walking disability’ theory because 1. i actually really like this theory a lot and 2. i need a character to vent my frustrations)

Bell hates birds, not because they scare her or anything like that, its because they always get tangled up in her string and squawk until eventually it either set free, or unfortunately it passes (usually its set free and rarely ever dies). That and also birds love to shit all over Bell lmao

Naily likes knives and has a knife collection. Her favorite knife is a rainbow dagger that has a purple handle and the blade sorta resembles a heart

Fries has a tiny, fluffy, bobtail cat named “Puffy” (named after Puffball because the kitten reminds him of them). Puffball found out this and was offended. Not because of the name, but because Fries never told them about the kitten because Puffball absolutely LOVES cats

Tennis ball has a intense fear of dogs, running away from one in fear any single time he sees one. This includes small puppies aswell. Golf ball found out this when he woke her up at 3 AM, begging for her to let him inside her house after being chased by a small toy poodle. (based off a fanfic i wrote a while ago)

Foldy likes jumpscaring people a lot because she finds it cute/funny. She’s had many things happen when she’s jumpscared someone, but by far one of the funniest things that has happened was Markers 5 second delayed scream of death

Puffball really likes hugs but is often to embarrassed to ask anyone for a hug

Bell has a bad habit of subconsciously whacking someone in the face when she gets scared. One time Puffball scared her by accident and gave them a concussion

Profily often cries themself to sleep because nobody ever seems to remember them, not even their own family (the only person who remembers him is Announcer speaker box and they are 100% in a relationship because i said so [fact])

Puffball is really scared of sleeping but tries their best to hide the fear by pretending to be asleep until everyone is asleep and then just does whatever. Golfball found out and now tries her best to make Puffball calm and tired so they can fall asleep without being absolutely terrified.

Puffball likes flying higher than anyone else to seem taller than everyone they know

thats about it! sorry most of them are of my fav characters lol [cries] I'll make another post with more headcannons later on :)

[fishtax]

My thoughts on the fnaf sb characters we have so far

Roxanne

Car person and can and will talk about cars for hours

Shes 100% a riot grrl

Very friendly but she still has to pull a mean joke or two but she doesn't really mean it

*cough cough* lesbian *cough*

Chica

a total mother figure

She loves it went people point out her cupcake or the stickers on her guitar

Health nerd but doesnt push it much

I feel like she was on freddys side at one point then she was taken over by vanny and totally fucked over by her,william or another animatronic (this is based on that one teaser)

Monty

Has a hella temper but he doesnt let it show when hes around kids (not Gregory tho lmao)

He plays golf no wonder hes a shit head 😬

Big boy hes like 6'4

Likes dark areas since he can see good in them

He smells like pool chlorine lmaooo

Freddy

Himbo father figure

Hes like "die irl" to monty

Caring he doesnt want to see others get hurt

I WANNA SEE HIM BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF AMALGAMATION AFTON RN THAT WOULD BE SO EPIC

Moondrop

He was super tame and had a sleepy laid back personality before he was taken over by vanny

Now he is like KILL

Still has that "im a funny lil man weee" personality

Totally thinks "today i will decide to cause mass chaos"

Sunrise (??)

I will protect this small child

Really good at hidding since they can cram their limbs in weird positions

Like moondrop they are jester/clowny but sunrise isnt fucking rude

Will give you spine crushing hugs

Vanessa/vanny

Is mentally ill and easily manipulated

You know the weird true crime community on tumblr? Yeah shes 100% apart of that and think aftons actions are justified

She might have a weird two face thing going on where she keeps getting possessed by afton but by the emails from the ar game i just think shes all bad

Shes probably gonna die at the end of the game tho :////

Gregory

Thinks about others more than he thinks about himself

Very smart and tech-y

Knows something is going on and wants to know

Maybe a friend disappeared there and hes looking for them and finds out about all this vanny shit

Existing animatronics that are from old games and at the pizzaplex

If bonnie bowl exists then the rest of the main cast exists too (we have already kinda seen foxys)

So mad this could have been an opportunity to put the hide and seek bonnie game from black bird in the game 🤬😡🤬😡🤬😡

El chip is there and he sings lil songs while u eat

If el chip is back they better bring back the fucking mediocre melodies if they dont i swear to god

The museum is pretty much why afton wants in on the pizzaplex

After getting basically dismantled by the detective he crawls out of the pond and wants to build himself up again and knows where to go

We might see the funtimes again but they might just be gross and melty and form another ennard to stay together

Another baby hate club is formed

We better see the puppet again i wanna know how shes doing 🥺🥺🥺

There is probably so much remnant in that museum damn