#im so down bad bto

[omenics]

hellsing alucard has the duality of a fucking ugly bitch and the hottest mf out there what the fuck

[identitycris1s]

so this is the new year

im finally taking time to sit down and reflect on the past few months. the new year came and went and its been a bit of a whirlwind. i suppose i’ll just go by chronological order cos i dont really know how to start...also i dont think im an abstract thinker so really my life isnt ordered by “themes” or “lessons” or whatever but i sort of think of it in terms of events and the epiphanies or lessons that flow therefrom. this is probably just gonna be a stream of consciousness exposition cos im lazy to organise my thoughts and this is basically my journal so WHATEVER!

November

X told me he liked me and asked me out. i was shocked. but sort of saw it coming (what else could “r u free after lunch, i have some stuff to say” mean...LOL). i reacted awkwardly - distinctly remember saying “huh..what does that MEAN!!!” (LOL) i told him i would think about it but could probably only give him an answer after part b was over. 

tbh this was probably just me stalling for time. i think instinctively i knew that i didnt see him in that way, but he seemed to tick so many boxes in terms of who i was “supposed” to be with - that sounds dumb, but what i mean is he’s a steadfast christian, a good boy, similar values, similar tastes in music / movies / books, same bloody industry LOL...

also he seemed really serious about it - ermmm he brought up marriage on that first day :0 ok i suppose thats unfair and it sounds insane without context - he said it with reference to how dating is always with a view to marriage which i do agree with but yes it was a lot to absorb in one conversation. and then he cracked out this book about dating and marriage and i was like woah. so, given how much thought he seemed to have put into this (he also said he chatted with his CG leader about me yikes) i felt obliged to at least think it through properly and give myself some time to consider rather than immediately rejecting him. 

and so i mulled it over whilst studying for part b. he was overseas for a while towards the end of my studying period (ie when i was freaking out the most and generally being a headless chicken) and this probably contributed to me feeling like i liked him more than i really did hmm wonder what this says about me. i like to feel like someone’s out of my reach i suppose. so fucked up lol! and so during this period we were texting everyday and i would look forward to his replies and he was a real source of comfort during that stressful period and i never told him this and i probably never will. 

December

exams were over and i had to face D DAY!! so i went to meet him to give him my answer and honestly even on that day i didnt know what my answer was. we met at BTM and he literally had written down a list of things to talk about and i think in that moment i knew this probably wouldnt work out. hes so damn thoughtful about every little thing and he thinks everything through and even though he seems to think he “doesnt take things too seriously” I THINK HE DOES...and i really dont...so i felt that showed how incompatible we were. its not a bad thing to be thoughtful. its just that i felt so pressured by how seriously he was taking things...i thought “trying this out” would be casual and chill and we would just hang out as if we were friends but with this overarching agenda of potentially being together but no his conception of “trying things out” is much more intense and serious and thought out and in his words “intentional”. which i realised is some christian dating jargon haha.

dinner was normal until he cracked out that list i was talking about. then he started talking about what he wanted out of a relationship and asked me what i wanted out of a relationship. like it was a damn interview. you know what, im saying this in a really condescending tone and i wouldnt ever be this hurtful if i knew he was gonna read this - in fact i really do think this kind of approach would suit many people and perhaps a more emotionally well adjusted person would think this was normal but i felt so bombarded and i really didnt know what to say in response. so i blurted out some nonsense about wanting to be with someone who was God fearing and “kind and compassionate” and “ambitious” LMAO...what bullshit (that last one i mean). and he had clearly thought out his answers a lot more and he went on a whole spiel about wanting to be with someone who could stand on their own as a christian and who he didnt have to “drag along” on their walk with God and i was like ok cool but i think im not that...im not what youre looking for...but of course i didnt say this. idk why. maybe i enjoy being wanted and sought after and i didnt want to shatter his illusion that i was what he was looking for, even though i was kinda seeing that he wasnt what i was looking for.

anyway, being the shitty person i am, i told him it wasnt a no but it wasnt a straight out yes either i.e. i would be willing to try with a view to potentially saying yes. and we left it at that. but even as i said bye to him that night i kinda knew this wasnt gonna work...but i wanted it to! i wanted to like him! i want to be the kind of person who can accept love from a well adjusted person who’s not afraid to be real and to take things seriously...but i suppose i have some emotional growth to work on...or is it perfectly valid for me to not want to be with him? tbh i never found him attractive (physically or even personality wise oops) - he doesnt make me laugh, hes kinda too uptight, he doesnt get my jokes (i have to be like “JUST KIDDING” a lot of the time..ded) but somehow we worked as friends. but to be with someone requires something more than just working as friends doesnt it?? ack

so we met a few times in dec (i think we went on four or five “dates” in total...im so reluctant to call them dates cos throughout i just couldnt see him in that light, but thats what they were i think) and through the course of our interactions i started picking up on things that i didnt like about him / about our interactions. this sounds awfully petty and i dont wanna be mean about this cos im sure i have MANY MANY MANY flaws that one could nit pick but these were just some signs that we would not work (quite apart from my lack of physical attraction to him)

1. our conversations always end up argumentative. i think this probably stems from both of us being law students and so whenever we disagree on something we both cant seem to fucking let it go. i distinctly remember one stupid conversation, i shall put it here (not verbatim but this is the gist of it)

X: what are your new years resolutions?

S: i dont like making new years resolutions because they always end up in disappointment because i never stick to them. 

X: but disappointment isnt always a bad thing because you can learn from it and improve from there

S: yes but that doesnt mean disappointment isnt a bad thing - cos disappointment in itself is bad (like duh the feeling of disappointment is bad) but what comes after disappointment can be good or bad i.e. you can choose to work on yourself and improve or you can wallow in the disappointment.

-some more argument and confusion about what we are even talking about-

S: ok lets not argue on this its a semantic point. 

X: is it semantic? its not semantic.

S: it is semantic. we are disagreeing on what the word disappointment means. i think it is necessarily negative but you are saying that disappointment isnt always negative because of what can come after but i think thats sidestepping the point of disappointment being negative in itself.

do you see what i mean. what kind of petty argument is this? whats the damn point? of course im definitely not blameless in this at all. i perpetuate it. but what im saying is i feel like talking to him brings out this argumentative side of me that im not a fan of. also its fucking exhausting haha.

2. he is so. fucking. serious. every conversation involves some heavy thing like spirituality or self evaluation or Godliness etc. which i suppose is good but i just found it tiring...why cant things be light? why cant things be fun? why do we always have to talk about *important* or *weighty* things? tbh i think he sorta compartmentalises me as a friend whom he can talk about these *weighty* things with cos im also a christian and i get what hes saying when he talks about God but i dont want to only talk about that...

3. we dont have similar senses of humour. i dont think he thinks im funny...but i think im bloody funny ok haha also i dont think im deluded on this? my friends think im funny too? yeah i think its a major problem that we cant really laugh together...hes not someone that makes me laugh at all :( 

ok enough bashing X haha i really do think hes a great person we are just NOT compatible romantically.

ANYWAYS! sometime in dec i also met up w SM for the first time in aaaages. but things were like normal again. sounds stupid but i think ill always think of him as the one who got away LOL....emotionally unavailable and not interested in me?? IM DOWN! haha. ok hes not emotionally unavailable tbh i probably was more emotionally unavailable in the course of our friendship but he defo never really expressed any interest in me other than always hanging out one on one but that doesnt really count for anything does it. anyways! he told me about his BTO plans and im honestly v happy for him :) friends r growing up and moving on in life mang..

sad part was i dropped avo toast on my new everlane pants and that honestly ruined my day lol

January

NYE was spent w S and some of her friends plus R and A (who went home after dinner cos of family drama lmao angie is siao) - we went to AL’s fam friends party at fullerton for countdown and the fireworks were amaaaazing, lasted about an hour (which made us question the budget allocation on this tbh isnt it a bit of a waste?? fireworks are insanely expensive??) and we promptly went home after the clock struck 12 which was perfect haha i have no stamina to stay out late anymore. 

work started on 2 jan! its been fun tbh - back with the trainees and meeting some new people and using my brain again. i like feeling useful and being stuck in a routine...at least for now haha. check in on me in about 3 months and we’ll see. 

and....i finally mustered up the courage to tell X the truth ie i didnt see this going anywhere and we should just be friends. we had kind of an awkward dinner (i could feel myself being rude to him and being dismissive etc but i think it could partially be attributed to me being tired from work..but mostly cos i didnt wanna be with him!! as a romantic partner!! it felt wrong!) and so i told him after dinner otw to the mrt (funny, we always have these convos otw to the mrt haha). he said he understood and he sort of felt it coming. and i felt bad - he mustve picked up on my coldness and rudeness over text and in our meetings also...why am i like this. i shouldve been up front with him on the first day. but i didnt know!!! i didnt know for sure this is how i felt. ahhh well u live and u learn right. next time ill be better at this. hope theres a next time LOL God pls send me someone whos right for me

ok bye for now! this was a lengthy post haha

[kyandice]

Bitch I feel so damn alone.

I need to rant and like writing this here isn’t gonna work. Because I feel relieved if people know what I’m going thru. Like it feels like at least someone (I KNOW, NOT STRANGERS) UNDERSTANDS. As much as I trust strangers with my secrets more cuz duh they don’t even know me. It’s always better when someone actually asks me how I’m doing or ask me to rant to out all on them.

My problems doesn’t sound big or anything. It’s the worrying and over thinking part that makes me batshit crazy.

I just need someone to talk to and like I only have Darius and Josh to talk too. And they are all guys I just want a girl I can talk too. But like all my girl friends are like just… I’m just not that comfortable with them yet. I just feel like, they’re a little too judgey more me still. Like for Shannon and Elizabeth and jiaqi they will listen to my crazy parents problems or my studies problems. But once I have other problems I don’t know how to say it too them.

For me, I just bottle up every worries or insecurities I have. I just want to spill it all out. I feel much better. And like every time I talk to:

Tze wan she understands me and everything. But she will start talking about her problems. Tbh, I don’t mind if you start talking about your problems. Really. But what she does is, she goes on and on saying how I shouldn’t be worried or anything cuz she has it worst. And I’m like, my dad will cane me I’m just so scared. And she’ll be like, aiya don’t scared la that one nothing, you know horh my dad horh he molest and abuse me and blah blah blah. Yes yes Ik her problems are worst but she doesn’t have to ignore that I’m worrying. I rlly don’t mind her talking only about her problems but what she does it dismiss my worries cuz my problems aren’t as scary as hers.

Josh is like really nice he always listens to all my troubles and he tried to cover me when my dad asks about my whereabouts. And he helps me a lot with my studies and like literally so much. But his gf cheated on him he’s taking it really bad the whole thing is so complicated and like I really don’t wna like seem like it ALL ABOUT MY PROBLEMs. so smtimes I rant he listens, but smtimes he just seem uninterested so yeah. But im listening to his problems too giving him advices and shit. We give each other advices and I told him not to fuck around anymore cuz that’s like really hurtful to another person and he just got cheated it’s kinda karma.

Darius is just. Uninterested. Cuz he has his problems to worry. I just rant to him when I have no one. Haha.

And for Bryan. my Gosh. He’s just one of my biggest worries. He has. A big big big big set of problems to worry. And. I just don’t wna burden him with my problems. So it’s like I don’t go to him much for emotional support and it’s just kinda sad. Like he’s supposed to be the one listening. But I don’t want go to him cuz he’s just going thru SO MUCH. And we are both busy with our lives. My finals coming up and he’s has work. So we cant meet up ask much. And whenever we meet up, it will be pretty long and of course both of us will be like craving sex for the longest time. And what do we do? We spend that time fucking. And it’s like sad. Cuz it seems like he isn’t there for me and I’m not there for him. We are like tgt just for sex. Like we know we are here for each other. But I don’t wna burden him by talking Bout my problems. And he hates thinking about his problems and talking about it. So it feels like I can’t be there for him. And we don’t text much either. Cuz he’ll be busy with games where he can escape reality and yeah. I just wna spend some quality time with him. Even if it’s just meeting him for a few seconds to just hug and talk for a little I just want that. I mean till today, he never has once asked about my day or how I’m doing or how was school. It’s always me who has to ask him if I can rant. Or me who’s always been asking how he’s doing and how is work. But he always say it’s fine and doesnt seemed to go much into details. We argued. Cuz I just wanted him to tell me more. Like yeah Ik he’s not fine but I want to know how he’s feeling like is he scared or insecure, yes I know that, but I thought if he ranted it, he will feel better. So I forced it out of him. Turns out he doesn’t like talking about his emotions and feelings cuz that’s what guys do. I just wna be there for him, but I don’t know how. I just can’t be there for him when he needs sex (Or when I need) only right? And he was like: what if I only love you for sex. And I was like that’s how u feel and he didn’t give me a proper answer so.. If that’s how he feel then. We are doing this all so wrong. But I can see he cares about me. He wants to take me to a nice restaurant when he’s getting his pay. Yeah that’s all. So we don’t talk. Yeah we do some catch ups here and there about our friends and his work. But that’s not the real talk yaknow. I can do this small talk with anyone. He hardly shows me his emotions and he still is a little insecure towards me. He doesn’t give me photos of him. He hates it when I secretly take photos of him. He hates taking pictures tgt. I just want him to rant everything to me and be brutally honest with his feelings and emotions. But whenever I asks him, it always seem to him that I’m invading his personal space, me being controlling and possessive as i want to know everything. He gave me the “space” word and like any other girls who would ever hear this, we then deadass crazy paranoid. I worried for 2 weeks. He didn’t talk to me, was always annoyed and angry at me and i was just so scared. I didn’t dare to text him. But everyday I go without texting him, i start to worry more. So me being the crazy girl went to find him at work everyday. But like secretly watching him from a blind spot making sure he’s all okay and fine. But it’s over, he says he was kinda sorry for neglecting me. But now, im just giving him the space he wants. He finally asked me to meet up.but we both decided to use that time for sex so yeah. Sex was good and we cuddled but like the pillowtalk after all the MAJOR EXPLOSIONS is where Bryan is most emotionally vulnerable. So its the only time i can do the real talk with him. But it sucks. That it doesnt feel like we are tgt. But more like fuck buddies. I just want to meet him more be involved with his life more. But he feels its intrusive and oh well, im busy with finals too and i have crazy parents who dont allow me to stay later than 7pm.

I’ve decided, I’ll join the police force no matter what.

Things I need to find out is:

How to become a k9 officer.

Is the salary stable enough to get me a house by 25 years old?

Is promotion and increment of salary slow???

And like I wna get married as soon as possible and get a bto and yeahhh. I just want to settle down as fast as possible. Get a stable income, get married get a house.

“Oh these times are hard,

Yeah, they’re making us crazy

Don’t give up on me baby”

[pillybaxto]

Bon Giorno from Singapore

Bon Giorno! its 6am on 23 March from my own bedroom. I believe this is what jetlag is? waking up at 4am in Venice and now, waking up at 2am in Singapore. Have been reading the bible (yes haha) and now, blogging. i have so much pent up emotions in me that i need to let them all go. so here goes. 

Feeling really blue right now. im missing Italy so fucking much. the crisp air, the italian accents all around me, the cappucinos, waking up every morning filled with anticipation about what the day will be like, going to bed each night discussing itineraries, hugging nathan to sleep, having nathan around to talk/ pick a fight with etc. but as much as im missing Italy, i feel very grateful for this trip. im so grateful i got to do this with nathan. and im just so grateful for this trip being so successful and so smooth. i can’t believe we completed our itinerary and yeah. 

this trip has been adventurous, yet relaxing. and so enriching and i have opened a new door towards european culture, history, art etc. i am now intrigued by roman history, what happened to ancient rome? the bible, christianity, art in Rome, the works of Michelangelo etc. lol. these were thoughts that i have never thought of but now its whats filling my mind. i will blog about the trip in detail perhaps in the following weeks but i just wanna rant and let these emotions out. 

all our accomodations turned out to be sooo awesome. even the Venice one which was tiny, was also gorgeous. the toilet view!! haha.and all the yummy food i gotta try. mmm, those clam pastas. and calzones. and desserts. and gelatos. so much so much to talk about Italy. but now, im nothing if not hungover from this trip. it weighs my heart down. but i need to get it back up. at least for the next 2 working days then its the weekend where i can hover for a short while to get my composure back. 

but through this trip, i really feel i need to get my stamina back. and i wanna be healthy. i wanna be healthy enough to travel till im old af. yea. i need to make nathan healthy also so we both can travel forever. and the thought of giving up having children just so i can travel has come across my mind seriously quite frequently this trip. but it can be quite lonely if i dont have kids. so hmm. still very confused. but one thing is clear, this will not be my last time in Europe. Europe is so fucking addictive can. i really hope we can go Europe again next year. haha. but BTO how??? lol! fuck my life. nvm. i will submit it to the universe and i believe i will get it 

haha. anyway this trip further reinstates that i need to trust the universe!! everyday im just worried something bad is gonna happen and everything turned out perfectly. and i got my flat. haha. travelling makes me so alive. i remember how .. satisfied i felt before travelling. about life. you know? its like i was contented just being like this. but this italy trip just shows me how big the world is, how other people are living lives differently, how there is a different world out there and i wanna see them allll!!! im not one of those hardcore travellers. i dont think i’d wanna go to middle east that kind. or north korea. but you knoww... haha. how?! i guess i will just take one step at a time. haha. gonna be positive about bank account and also going to europe again next fucking yearrr!! :D