#im so confident. there is no nauseous feeling in my stomach. and even if there WAS-

[ev-fav]

Dream university interview today. Listening to greensboro to cope.

[iitslera]

Baby on the way : JJ Maybank x reader

Summary:  JJ and his girlfriend (reader named Grace) become young parents.

Warnings: English is not my first language (use of iphone translator), I don’t use y/n (reader is called Grace or Gigi as JJ calls her), Other than that, I think it’s pure fluff.

A/n: I’m receiving requests from JJ and Rafe, (im hoped to improve my level of English soon to stop using the iPhone translator) Based on S4 after buying the house from the bank, enjoy.

𖹭.ᐟ pt2

I held the test in my hands, with the words confirming what I had been feeling for days: Positive. That word seemed so small, but it carried an immense weight. My mind was in chaos. 

I didn’t know whether to cry, scream, or just stay silent until the world stopped spinning.  

How was I going to tell JJ? I couldn’t imagine his reaction, and that terrified me. We had been through so much together, but this was different. This was... too real.  

I closed my eyes for a moment and tried to calm myself. The sound of the birds outside the house helped a little, though not enough.  

I walked toward the dock, hoping the salty breeze would clear the knot in my throat. I saw him from a distance, laughing with Pope and John B, as if the world were simple, as if nothing mattered more than the moment. For a second, I wished things could stay that way, uncomplicated. But then, JJ saw me.  

His smile slowly faded, and his expression turned serious. He knew me too well. He could tell something was wrong.  

When he reached me, I felt like I could barely breathe. My heart was pounding so loudly I thought he could hear it.  

“Is everything okay?” he asked, with that mix of concern and tenderness that always broke me. I shook my head because I knew I couldn’t lie to him, not this time.  

“You’re worrying me, Gigi…” he said, stepping closer.  

My hands trembled. I tried to stop them, to stay strong, but I couldn’t. I had to say it. There was no other choice. I took a breath, though it felt like I was running out of air, and finally, I let it out.  

“I’m pregnant…”

I said it so softly I almost didn’t hear myself, but he did. I saw it in his eyes. His expression changed in an instant. First, surprise, then confusion, and something else I couldn’t identify. I wasn’t sure if it was fear or something like happiness, but it was clear he didn’t know what to feel either.  

“Are you... sure?”he asked, his voice trembling.  

“Yes… I’m sure. I took a test, and... it’s positive.”

When I finally dared to look at him, I found those blue eyes that had captured me from the beginning. This time, there was no trace of the confidence he usually projected. It was like he was as scared as I was. But then, something changed. He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close.  

“Wow…” he murmured, as if trying to find the right words. “This is unexpected, but… we’re in this together, right?”

The knot in my chest loosened a little, and for the first time, I felt like I could breathe. I didn’t know how we were going to face this or what it meant for us, but at least I wasn’t alone. JJ was here, and that was all I needed at that moment.  

I never thought JJ would be capable of transforming the way he did. Being young parents wasn’t something we had planned, but seeing him so committed and dedicated made me feel that, maybe, everything would be okay.

He made the hardest days more bearable, and even when I felt exhausted or sick, his presence always gave me strength.

Morning sickness became my constant enemy in the early weeks. Every morning I woke up with that nauseous feeling in my stomach, and although just the smell of food made it worse, JJ was there, patiently trying to get me to eat something.

He would wake up earlier than I did to prepare toast or crackers, whatever I could tolerate. He never complained, not even when I asked him to move anything with a smell I couldn't stand.

Today was a calm, sunny day. I sat in the porch hammock, enjoying a bit of peace as a book rested in my lap and the wind tousled my hair. My hands instinctively rested on my growing belly. I couldn’t help but think about the little life growing inside me. It was a strange and wonderful feeling all at once.

Suddenly, JJ appeared with a smile, holding a bag in his hand. As soon as I saw what was inside, I knew what it was: strawberries with cream. My favorite craving of the past few days. I laughed, surprised and grateful at the same time.

“Hi, beautiful”he said with that smile of his that always disarmed me. “I brought you your strawberries with cream.”

My eyes lit up when I saw him, and I couldn’t help but smile.

“You’re the best, you know that?” I told him as I made space in the hammock for him to sit next to me.

JJ set the bag on my lap and sat beside me.

“Anything for you, babe” he replied, winking at me. “You and she deserve the best.”

“she?” I asked, raising an eyebrow, amused. “How do you know it’s going to be a girl?”

He shrugged, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“I have a feeling” he said, with a confident smile. I laughed, both amused and surprised by his certainty.

“Now you can guess the baby’s gender too?“ I joked.

He simply smiled with that mischievous look he was known for, took a strawberry with cream, and brought it to my lips. I took a small bite, savoring the sweet flavor. It was so simple, yet so special.

“And what will you do if it’s a boy?” I asked with a playful smile as I chewed.

“Then I’ll have guessed wrong” he said, shrugging before bringing another strawberry to his mouth. “But I don’t think so. My intuition never fails me.”

“You’re impossible” I replied, laughing. “And if you’re right? What will we call her, if it’s a girl?”

JJ paused for a moment, then his eyes lit up.

“Kai”  he said, with a mix of excitement and tenderness. “It means ‘Sea’ in Hawaiian."

I felt something stir inside me when I heard that name. I repeated it softly, savoring its meaning, imagining our daughter and how it would feel to call her that.

“It’s perfect” I told him, with a smile I couldn’t hide.

At that moment, with the sun shining down on us and his presence beside me, I felt that despite the fears and doubts, we were building something beautiful. Kai. Our little Kai.

“What about you, little one? Do you like Kai?“ JJ asked with a smile, gently rubbing my belly. His voice was soft, as if he were already talking directly to her, as if they already shared a special bond.

And then, I felt it. Something moved inside me. It wasn’t the first time, but this time it was different, stronger, clearer. My breath caught for a moment, surprised by that small but powerful connection that reminded me our baby was there, growing, becoming a part of us.

JJ looked at me with wide eyes, surprised and excited at the same time.

“Did you feel that?” he asked, his tone full of awe. I nodded slowly, still processing the sensation.

“Yes... “  I murmured, my voice filled with emotion. He couldn’t hide the smile that spread across his face. He placed his hand back on my belly, as if he expected to feel it too, as if he wanted to make sure he hadn’t imagined it.

“It’s amazing...” he whispered, almost to himself, as his fingers traced small circles on my skin. “Our Kai... she’s already here, making herself known.”

Tears filled my eyes, but this time they weren’t out of fear or uncertainty. They were tears of pure happiness, of gratitude for this shared moment, for knowing that, despite everything, we were in this together.

JJ looked up and saw my teary eyes.

“Are you okay?“ he asked, his voice filled with concern for a second.

“Yes...” I replied with a smile I couldn’t contain. “It’s just that... all of this makes me feel that, really, everything is going to be okay.”

He hugged me, pressing his forehead against mine.

“ It’s going to be more than okay, Grace. We’re going to be an amazing team. You, me, and our little Kai”

And in that moment, with his hand still on my belly and the sensation of the baby moving inside me, I knew he was right. Everything would be okay.

We didn’t live in a huge house with hundreds of rooms in Figure Height, yet we put all our effort into making the place where the baby would sleep special. We started with the smallest details, choosing each object and color with such care, as if we were creating our own home within that space.

Our room, though not very big, was cozy and perfect for what we needed.

JJ was so involved in the process that he couldn’t stop commenting on the "perfect touches" he had chosen. We created a place where she could grow up surrounded by love and tranquility, and although it wasn’t easy to make decisions, every choice seemed to fall into place little by little.

Once we placed the crib next to our bed, we began working on the small details: soft white curtains that let in natural light, one of those crib mobiles with sea animals because JJ loved the idea of our baby growing up surrounded by those little marine touches, something that connected him to his own roots.

The shelves were filled with children's storybooks that Pope had given us, some soft toys, and several stuffed animals we had started collecting thanks to the rest of our friends.

Every time I walked into the room with all these new changes, I couldn’t help but smile. It felt like a dream come true. Everything was ready to welcome our little baby, a place filled with love and hope.

[feastingmaggots]

momentary bliss : ch. 5

TW; MAJOR ED MENTIONS

You know, he never did answer Stan’s question.

‘Have you been eating??’

And did it worry him? Yes. It did. A lot; actually.

He cared about his boyfriend so much more than he did about himself, and just the thought of him suffering like that internally killed him.

And he thought.

‘You know, maybe Kyle feels the same way about me.’

But he didn’t care. He didn’t matter as much as Kyle did.

Meanwhile, Kyle was busy in his head; counting and tracking his calories throughout the entire day. He made sure to eat breakfast, but skip lunch and dinner as to even out his calorie intake.

To make himself proud, he would wrap his pinky and thumb around his wrist and smile when they touched. The feeling of his stomach applauding him was better than any food tasted. He couldn’t explain it in words.

Seeing himself become thinner and thinner overtime boosted his own confidence by a million; Being able to see his own ribcage was satisfying in the oddest way possible. He couldn’t explain the euphoria he experienced whenever he lost weight.

It was such a delightful feeling. Yet he couldn’t share it with anybody.

Not even Stan. He would be too worried.

Nobody knew that his own way of eating wasn’t ‘unhealthy’, it was just.. different. Some would say he was sick in the head, others would say he had an eating disorder.

But Kyle said, it’s just dieting!

He’d always been a fairly skinny guy, he was never picked on for being overweight in any way shape or form, but it was just for his own personal image.

Also, it made him feel in control of at least one thing in his life.

He’d lost control of his intrusive thoughts, his temper, and basically his whole life. This style of control he had over himself helped him balance out the fact he didn’t feel as though he was in charge of anything in particular.

Nothing tasted as good as hunger felt.

He would wake up, examine his figure in the mirror, brush his teeth, go downstairs and skip breakfast. His excuse for doing so was that in the morning he was nauseous and food just made it worse.

Then he’d walk to school. Not without almost passing out at least twice though. The lack of nutrients and energy in his body wasn’t exactly the most healthy thing to live with; especially with how active he usually was.

When he was at school, he never ate. Never touched- never even looked at food. That was his rule. Don’t eat at school. No matter how hungry, no matter how tempted he was; Don’t.

Even when people came to check up on him.

‘Hey, I’ve noticed you don’t really eat a lot.. Are you doing alright?’

‘Do you need me to bring you something to eat?’

‘You feelin’ okay?’

Yes, no, yes.

These two answers were ones that he got used to repeatedly saying due the people asking him about it. Nobody needed to know. Nobody besides himself.

(nobody needs to know)

Then, he’d arrive home. His stomach screaming at him for something like always; but the screams were ignored. His body was a neglected crying child, and he was the parent.

His temptations almost took over some of the times, but he would just pinch himself in hopes of shooing them away.

(get out of my head)

(im finally in control of something for once and youre taking it away from me)

Sheila would make dinner. She would offer, Kyle would refuse. She would insist, he gave in. He asked to be excused, she excused him. She thinks he’s going to bed, he threw up all of the food out of his body and into the porcelain toilet bowl.

He would then proceed to lay down in his bed, curled up in the fetal position as he hugged his stomach. The growling went on and on for what seemed like hours before it finally subsided, leaving him with a mild feeling of bliss in how empty he felt.

His phone buzzed, but he didn’t hear it. He payed no attention to it. His attention was instead on the sound of cicadas outside his window. He rolled over to stare at the ceiling, his brain fuzzy as he began to grind his teeth together anxiously. Millions of thoughts raced in his brain yet he couldn’t seem to pinpoint even one.

Something that helped him was chewing gum. He would chew and chew and chew until it became the illusion of food. He would trick his mind into thinking he wasn’t hungry since he was just chewing something!

Gum was also handy because it had zero calories. He would chew gum for hours and hours until it lost all the flavor, and it just felt as though he was chewing rubber; and then he would chug ice cold water.

The cold water seeped down his throat, giving him a nice feeling from the lack of things he’d been swallowing recently..

…

[nahoyaglock]

↬ WAS IT ALL A LIE?

player!tendou x fem!reader, angst, 1.1k words

A/N! the characters are all aged up, also this hurt me to make bc I love tendou w all my heart, my baby boy u_u this was inspired by 'no time to die' by billie eilish

SUMMARY! you catch your boyfriend cheating and lying.

WARNINGS! smoking, drinking, like one swear word, cheating, manipulation

"You know im always here for you, just like you are for me."

Your mind recalled things like this, the words that your boyfriend would reassure you with. He loved you and you loved him dearly, a pair that was always believed to last.

"She's just a friend baby, you know that you're the most beautiful girl in my eyes," your boyfriend would say, smiling cat-like at you like he always does. You smiled, his words lasting in your mind as he pulled you into a kiss. "I love you," he said.

"I love you too," you giggled. You felt whole with him, like he was your other half. You helped him through everything and anything, watching his confidence grow slowly made you feel like you could grow in the same way too. But with growth came changes, and Tendou grew in ways you hadn't expected.

He became more social, more open and fun, life of the party. You were happy, he felt better, his part no long affecting his outlook on life. What better feeling than your loved one growing out of the darkest place in their life.

"Im going out babe!" Your boyfriend called, pushing Semi out the front door, leaving you in your empty apartment. The door slammed shut and you heard Tendous loud, playful banter through the front window.

Again? He went out again?

You started to miss him, you wanted his attention, his touch. You wanted to go out with him, party with the one you loved, smiling and laughing over loud music. To be drinking whatever alcoholic drink he came home drunk after drinking every time.

You called Shirabu, the phone ringing, ringing, ringing, ringing, rin–

"Hello?" He answered. "Hey shirabu, where's the party at tonight?" You asked, slipping on a simple out fit, jeans and a tight fit shirt. You wanted to be included, so you were. He gave you the address and you bid farewell, and exiting your home.

Was this right? You climbed into the drivers seat of your car, starting it. Is this intruding? Tendou didnt tell me– didnt even ask you to come? You pulled out of the driveway, and head to the address that your friend had sent to you. So why were you doing this?

Your grip on the steering wheel had your knuckles going white, biting your lip so hard you could draw blood. Upon arrival, first thing you notice are some people chilling on the front porch, loud music pouring from the open windows.

You entered the house and immediately was hit with the smell of weed and alcohol. It was a big house, almost filled with how many people were here. People with a group of friends, people sitting alone in corners, and couples.

Couples holding hands, couples dancing, kissing, smiling, laughing, hugging. Couples in love. Happy, happy couples. You shook the thought out and set out to find your boyfriend, which shouldn't be too hard considering how tall he is.

You bumped into Shirabu and Goshiki who were chilling at the top of the stairs, blunt in hand. Goshiki was saying something to Shirabu, the other male blowing smoke when he noticed you. "Y/n," he said and you smiled, wrapping your arms around the two males.

"Hey you two," you said, noticing how silent Goshiki was, taking a hit of his blunt. "Have you two seen Tendou?" You asked, walking past them and Shirabu smacks Goshikis arm. "Nah. Hey, we're about to head out of here if you wanna join us."

"Hm, he should be here, he said he was, even left with Semi." You said and walked to one of the room door, going to open it and felt a hand on your arm. "They aren't here, lets just go," Shirabu says, blowing smoke as you look at him.

"I can atleast check right?" You aske and raise a brow at him. "Why are you acting to iffy, shira?" Your mind stuck to his words. Was Tendou really there? Did he lie? Where was he? Why did he want to lie to you?

"Y/n," Goshiki mumbled, looking down at his knuckles. You turn to the nervous male, worried eyes. "Whats up go?" He bit his lip and looked over at Shirabu and shirabu sighed. "Tendou, he's cheating on you."

What? What did he say? Were you hearing correctly?

You burst into laughter, this must've been a joke. "Goshiki, you're gonna need better acting than that to convince me," you giggled. They weren't laughing. We're you truly laughing either, or were you just scared of the truth.

"Please, y/n, lets just leave." Shirabu said and you looked at them, with shock just disbelief at their words. "Oh, come on guys, you guys can stop now." Your voice got shakey, you felt your chest tighten and a sick tumbling in your stomach.

"Hey," goshiki said and cupped your cheek wiping– tears? Since when were you crying? why were you crying, it was just a sick prank. Sick prank. "Lets get out of here, okay? Please, dont spend your time on him." Shirabu spoke softly as if to calm you.

You pulled away from the two males and turned to the door that Shirabu tried to stop you from going into. You pushed the door open, eyes searching for Tendou. He couldn't be, right? He wouldn't cheat on you? He loves you?

"You know that you're the most beautiful girl in my eyes," Tendou spoke to a girl, stranger in his lap, blowing smoke. Everyone was suddenly aware of your presence, staring at you. You must've looked pathetic, standing there crying.

Tendou pushed the girl off his lap and stood up. "Baby, what are you doing here?" He asked, his face evident with guilt which he tried hard to hide. You almost believed him, the use of the petname and the look he gave you, but the faces of all the other guys in the room told differently.

Your heart beat picked up, you felt dizzy, sick, nauseous, was the room spinning, you felt numb. "Baby, hey come here," Tendou reached out for you and you were hesitant. He loves you, he loves you, he loves you, he loved you?

Before you could decline or accept his hand, Shirabu stepped in, landing a harsh punch to tendous jaw. Goshiki was quick to pull you away from the scene and hold you into his chest. What was happening? Whats going on? You wanted to forget. Forget forget forget.

"You guys make me sick," Shirabu spat at his old team, slamming the door and turning to you. He grabbed your wrist and dragged you through the house, down the stairs, outside the house, goshiki trailing after us closely. "Some fucking boyfriend he is," he muttered under his breath.

You were the most beautiful girl to him, werent you? He loved you right? After spending those years with him, helping him heal, always being by his side. He opened up to you, let you spend your time fixing and healing him.

Had I fallen for a lie? Were you ever by my side?

taglist: @kekozume @kyuupid @kiyoo-omi @dearestmegumi @bigger-simp-than-kazuichi @neoheros @nekosvno

[artificialqueens]

Colors Burst (Adore-Centric) - Candy Cane

A/N: sooooo this is the first fic for this fandom that im posting yay :D no, i am not used to this so i really hope none of my characterizations are awful dfdsfddfs anyways, this is 100% completely just self-indulgent do not mind me. i really hope you enjoy!! <3

It starts as a headache just something sitting in the back of her head, making her have to work a little harder for every word, every thought, every movement. Adore isn’t bothered by it, sometimes it ebbs away enough for her to think it’s gone completely, and sometimes it comes back strong enough to keep her down for an hour or so. Adore just takes a couple painkillers and moves on with her life.

It’s been a week now, though. The headache is persistent, and she hasn’t been getting enough sleep, and sometimes it makes her so dizzy or nauseous she can’t eat. She knows she can’t ignore it much longer, because her friends and her roommates are starting to notice and she really doesn’t think it’s that important.

When Courtney brings home dinner for everyone, and Adore can’t get out out of bed because of this stupid fucking headache, she almost feels broken. A week of sleepless nights and zero productivity fueled by a pain she doesn’t know the cause of and simply can’t control. It’s hell.

Courtney comes looking for her, of course. The bedroom door being opened sends in a wave of light from the hallway that makes Adore groan with another spike of pain. Adore brings the blanket up over her eyes to block the light out, and she tries not to feel bad when she hears Courtney’s little worried gasp.

She listens to Courtney come over to her bedside, then the blonde rubs a comforting hand along Adore’s shoulder, and whispers, “What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

Adore rolls over and opens her eyes in a squint in order to look at her without making the headache worse. Her long-time friends looks as pretty and put together as she always does, and it feels good to know that at least someone’s doing well.

“My head…” Adore groans, and melts into the feeling of Courtney’s long fingers rubbing gently against her scalp.

“Oh dear…” Courtney frowns, “I’ll get you some water and panadol, maybe some food will help too.”

Adore just groans again and pushes her face into her pillow.

“Not hungry,” Adore mutters, but it’s so muffled she knows Courtney probably can’t understand her.

“What was that?” Courtney asks, sweet as ever. Adore hates being right sometimes.

She pulls her head back up and says again, “‘m not hungry!” and then promptly face plants back into her pillow.

Courtney rolls her eyes, “Well you have to eat, and an empty stomach doesn’t usually help a headache. Have you eaten anything today?”

Adore shrugs her shoulders, knowing that Courtney wouldn’t count a questionably old pack of skittles as real food. “Adore,” Courtney admonishes her, sounding almost exactly like someone’s mom.

“Hey, you guys good?” Katya says, and Adore realizes that now the whole fucking house is gonna be aware she’s acting like a baby. Again.

“Yeah, Adore just has a headache,” Courtney replies, and Adore buries her head deeper into her pillow.

“Oh, is that what’s been bugging her lately?”

“What do you mean?” And Coutney sounds concerned enough for Adore to feel a sense of guilt rising up within her.

Adore knows they’re talking about her, but she’s in so much pain she doesn’t even care. She just tunes it out. If they decide to kick her out for being whiney she’ll just go pout to Alaska and hope it garners enough sympathy for her to stay with her until she finds a new place. Maybe she can move into Bianca’s spare bedroom, or she’ll live on the streets singing for coins until she gets spontaneously found by a producer and lives in hotel rooms going on tour for the next three years-

“Adore?” Katya says gently, almost conspiratorially.

The younger turns her face over, and opens her eyes just enough to find herself practically nose to nose with the Russian.

“Uhhh… hi?” Adore whispers, knowing she should be used to this by now, even if she really isn’t.

“Hi,” Katya grins, big and goofy and it makes Adore feel a little better.

They stare at each other for a solid five seconds, Katya grinning and Adore knowing she probably looks like a stunned goldfish, and then Katya breaks out into a wheezing laughter that gets Adore smiling too.

“You’re so crazy,” Adore giggles.

Katya nods along with her, “Yes I am, but that’s not news.” Adore opens her mouth to say something silly, but winces when another shot of pain reverberates through her skull, and instead she whimpers out, “Fuck.”

Katya makes a sympathetic, worried sound that stresses Adore more. She hates worrying people. She hates coming off as a burden, as someone who needs to be constantly taken care of. Adore’s scared that that’s all she does.

“Oh, hon…” Katya grimaces, “Courtney should be back with something here in a second, okay?”

Adore nods, but pulls the blanket back over her face unhappily.  Katya chuckles, and reaches around so she can lightly scratch her long, manicured nails along Adore’s scalp. They sit like that for a couple minutes, and even though it isn’t making Adore want to fall asleep, it’s still really nice. It’s nice to know her friends care so much even though she’s a hyperactive toddler (as Bianca likes to say).

“Okay, I’ve got just the thing,” Courtney says as she walks back in, all brisk steps and unshakable confidence. Adore will never not be amazed by her.

Two painkillers and a cup of warm lemon ginger tea later, Adore’s able to sit up and have a lamp on in her room. Katya and Courtney teased and joked with each other the whole time, and Adore was grateful for it. For everything.

She’s sitting in her bed, listening to those two crazies be absolutely perfect when they all hear a very sarcastic shout from the kitchen of, “I’m home! Thanks for the welcome party!”

…Causing all three of the other girls to break into uproarious laughter. Not a second later, Trixie, very clearly unamused, is leaning against Adore’s door frame, blonde hair tied up in a neat bun, lips pretty and pink, just like always. Consistency, normalcy, feels so good to Adore.

“Hi honey, how was work?” Katya asks with the world’s cheekiest smile, making Trixie roll her eyes.

“Ha ha,” Trixia says blandly.

The woman then straightens up and goes to give each of them a hug. Adore’s last, but she does notice that the one arm embrace lingers. She doesn’t mind.

“Bad day?” Trixie frowns.

“She’s got a headache,” Courtney says, squeezing Adore’s hand.

“Still?”

And oh shit Adore forgot she mentioned it to her earlier this week. Fuck, fuck, fuck. She doesn’t look up from the bottom of her empty tea cup, and wishes not for the first time she was invisible. Why does he have roommates again? She’s a loner, a lone wolf, an outcast, she does better alone. Fucking rent is definitely too high in this town.

“‘Still!?’” Katya and Courtney repeat in perfect fucking unison.

Three pairs of eyes turn to her, and Adore once again wishes she could just disappear.

Adore pouts and rolls the tea spoon between her fingers just so she has something to do with her anxious hands, “It’s two separate headaches. I think, maybe… I dunno!”

“Oh, honey, no…” Trixie sighs.

“Have you been getting enough sleep? Food? Water?” Courtney asks rapidly, her brow creasing in a way that alone serves to make Adore worse.

“Look, I’m fine! I’m not dying,” Adore says, trying and failing to keep the exasperation out of her voice, “Can we please go eat now? I’m starving.”

It must’ve been that last little bit of her usual self that got Courtney her roommates to concede, even if just begrudgingly.

Adore can’t deny how good it feels to sit around the kitchen with her friends, as if nothing was ever wrong, as if she isn’t incredibly pathetic sometimes. She loves watching Katya pretend to throw a noodle across the room at Trixie, she loves listening to Courtney babble on about her day, she loves Trixie’s excited laughter at every joke. It’s so… perfect.

Adore grins and laughs along with them, her headache ebbing away for now. She knows eventually she’ll have to face mother-henning and concern, no matter how awful it makes her feel. So for now Adore holds onto this moment, because it’s a really good fucking moment.

[tartagliaxx]

thank you, lei. your reply rlly helped me a lot. the part where you said that you were proud of me and loved me made me cry. i haven't heard anyone say that they loved me or were proud of me since i was like 7 or 8. it never rlly bothered me bc well, fanfiction is a thing, but having a real breathing person say that was way different from a 2d character, so i just wanna say thank you, honestly. it's gonna be smth i save and look back on when i need it.

i was a 'golden child' when i was younger, i didn't have to study for anything but as i grow older, there's more stuff i don't understand, more responsibilities that i didn't have. everybody expected me to be the same kid but even as a kid, i disliked myself. i had issues with myself as a child and now that i'm 16, the problems with me just keep growing bigger and bigger until well, what was going to happen, happened.

life just sucks rn. i'm staying with my mom so i'm just trying be my usual self ig. it was even hard eating, like ik i have to eat, i can even feel my stomach rumbling but i just have no appetite and even if i do get some food in me, i just feel nauseous. it's honestly just ridiculous how i feel like i'm acting rn.

at this point, i just wanna get diagnosed with whatever problems i already know i have and get some pills to stabilise my mood bc just abt anything and everything just sets me on edge. i have legit no idea how long this period of mine is gonna go on for, and i have a 2 hour test for calculus tmr. why. literally why. there's a 50% chance i will break down and cry at the exam hall, i swear to god.

—sincerely, a vv grateful and guilty r. anon

p.s. sorry for my late (is it late? i have no concept of time rn) response, once again, thank you <33

i’m happy that i helped even if its just a little :)) i meant what i said then. i think you’re a very lovely person and i say this with confidence. i understand what you’re going through because that is literally me too. im just very lucky to have very kind professors now who acc help me whenever i stumble. i hope you’ll find people like that soon too. people who would understand and help you in trying times. i’m not sure how to comfort you bc well, i dont even comfort myself but it sucks that you’re feeling unwell and i wish time would flow faster for you. i believe in you darling so take it easy. good luck on your exams tho! i’m rooting for you but know that no matter what happens tomorrow, it’s okay. prioritize your health over it. you deserve at least that much <33

[pbandjesse]

I fet a lot better today but my lip looked horrible and so I only felt okay when I had my mask on. I did not want to be perceived. It looks a lot better now but for the whole morning it hurt a lot and needed a lot of tending too. This is why I shouldn't pick my chapped lips. 

I slept pretty good though. I was very anxious this morning about the doctor. I stood in the bathroom and wondered if I could still cancel. But I didn't. 

James drove me. They made pancakes first but I couldn't stomach any food. They promised me starbucks after. 

I got very nervous in the car. James had to circle the block and there was some police activity a few blocks away so they went out of the way and I was convinced we were going to be late. But they dropped me off and it was fine. 

I felt sick to my stomach. I was sure I was in the wrong place even though the kiosk where I checked in said to sick to the left. I was super nauseous with nerves. I had ripped my bandaid off and stored my skin around my wound. Because I have amazing luck. I texted James my worries and they were like everything okay! But then the nurse had to come find me because I was in the wrong place!! The kiosk lied to me!!

But the nurse was very nice. I was having a little bit of trouble hearing her. But she was a sweetheart. I have lost 10lbs from the last time I was there. And my blood pressure was great. 

And then I was in the room. I was shocked that the paper gown was just a vest?? They gave me a paper vest and a paper sheet!! I was very exposed. But I didn't have to wait long. 

I was nervous about the doctor, I didn't have great feelings last time but maybe she was just having an off day because this time she made me feel super safe. 

We talked about everything and the plan with my IUD is to replace it in febuary. I am not positive though. Maybe Ill switch to the shot? Regardless it is scary to get it out. I thought I had another year but that's alright. 

The exam was fine. I got a cramp in my leg. I tried to laugh a lot and not focus on the whole thing. They did a pap and that was very uncomfy! But didn't hurt as much as I anticipated. 

They did have me fill out a depression screening and as we were saying goodbyes and stuff the nurse picked it up and got big eyes and then the doctor got all serious. She gave me numbers to talk to someone to get medication. That she is very worried about me being depressed. And like. Yes. I will call the number, but its so frustrating. I tried last year and when I told her that that doctor could only see me once every 3 or 4 months she was like. What?? So at least I wasn't crazy that that was weird. 

I was glad to be done though. I called James and they soon came an got me and took me to starbucks. 

I got a very large drink so I could have it throughout the day. James got a crossant. We were standing and waiting when one of the baristas waved me over and told me that they were all talking about how cute we were and that we were the cutest couple. And it really just made my whole day. Huge confidence boost. 

We headed out and had lots of laughs about the compliments. James took my picture. And then we headed home. 

It was almost time for James to work. And I would work on styling. I did a little cleaning. And then made rice for lunch. 

I put red peppers and hot honey in it. And once I was done eating and done styling I decided I needed to lay down. 

Im glad I did. I slept for an hour and felt better when I got up. I cleaned up my face and went to get the mail. I was excited that my photos I had printed came and most of them look awesome. I want to get an album tomorrow I think. 

The camp chair we ordered also came! Its a two seater. We used the gift card that Ryan gave us and it was the perfect thing honestly. It is lower to the ground and is very comfortable. I am very very excited about it. 

I would work on my new print. I worked for a while but those eggs are tough! I am going to do those specifically tomorrow. But so far I think it is coming along great. I will hopefully finish that tomorrow pretty fast and then I can do a test print so it will be ready for the market on Saturday. 

I worked on making hardboiled eggs. Which I am never good at. I thought they were done and they weren't so I had to put them back in the machine. They would eventually be done and I had a very good egg salad sandwich. And when James was done work we laid on the couch and talked about the wedding. 

We sent an email to a place I think would be really great. I hope they get back to us soon so we can go check it out. Cause I think it will make me happy, make James happy, and compromise with what our families want. Cause I have been stressed about it since we had the conversations on Friday. It will be okay but I like when things are set in stone. 

I took a shower and now I am laying in bed with sweetP. It is lovely and breezy tonight. I am wearing a sweater. This is a really nice night. I hope you are having a nice night too. I am working on the museum tomorrow night. I hope it is fun. 

Goodnight everyone! 

[justwritethatdown]

Bechloe Week 2020 – Day3: Drunk Texts 

We were bound to be together

An au where Beca didn't get together with Jesse and that allowed her relationship with Chloe to grow.

or

The way Pitch Perfect 1 should have gone ;)

Set during Beca’s first two years at Barden; everything goes as it should, nothing angsty happens and everyone is happy. Just a sloppy falling-in-love story between two college girls, told through their drunk texts, kind of...

Rating: T

Words Count: 2.5K

Thanks to @viharistenno for being my beta

Read here or on AO3

She took my arm, I don’t know how it happened

 After Hood Night, Beca was lying on her bed; the weird buzzing in her brain caused by alcohol made it hard for her to fall asleep. She wasn’t used to drinking and partying with strangers until late night, but she had to admit it wasn’t the worst thing she’d done. That Jesse seemed nice after all, a little pushy maybe, but Beca knew she needed a push sometimes, maybe she should give him a chance-

Her phone buzzed on the nightstand

CHLOE BEALE: Im so glad that I met you xx

BECA: Yeah, you kinda mentioned that…

Beca bit her bottom lip and a bright smile formed on her face. There was something about Chloe, that didn’t make Beca want to push her away. On the contrary, it was rather a pull, that made Beca want to get closer to her.

She placed the phone on her stomach, letting out a heavy sigh, smile still present on her lips. Beca couldn’t believe she actually auditioned for an acapella singing group, just because a crazy – naked – girl told her to, after crushing her shower and forcing her to sing with her; it was a situation that normally would have made her run for the hills and yet, she went to the audition – and she got in – and to the following party. Beca didn’t even know how that happened, Chloe had dragged her into this whole new world, and she was kinda okay with that.

It confused Beca; for the first time her instinct didn’t tell her to push this person away, it told her to get to know her better, to become her friend, but most of all Beca wanted Chloe to like her, she wanted to impress her. She checked her phone to see if Chloe had texted her anything else, but there were no new messages, so she let out another sigh – a disappointed one this time – and put the phone away.

Maybe Chloe was still with shower guy, they seemed to be pretty close at the party. Her stomach twisted and Beca huffed again; the way Chloe had grabbed her arms and how close she got to her while talking, gave her some vibes, for a moment she’d thought that the redhead was flirting with her – a thought she wasn’t completely opposed to – but then she saw her with that guy while she was busy talking to Jesse, and kicked herself for being so delusional, she was well aware they were having sex in the sowers, they were obviously together.

Beca shook her head and rolled her eyes to herself, turning to her side to try to sleep.

  I felt it in my chest as she looked at me

  CHLOE: Admit you had fun tonight! :P

Beca was a bit more tipsy than usual – okay, let’s say she was drunk – but it wasn’t her fault; Amy arrived there with the clear internet of getting the brunette drunk that night. She dumbly smiled at her phone and almost gave in, but then she remembered their bet.

“I don’t know why I let you drag me to this stupid party” she spat out when they arrived at the ΣΒΘ frat house.

“Come on, I bet you’re going to have fun” cheered Chloe making Beca roll her eyes.

“I doubt it” stated the brunette.

“We’re here bitches!” screamed Amy going straight for the alcohol table, followed by Stacie.

When her head started to spin, Beca realized that maybe she’d let Amy fix her one drink too much, but she didn’t care, not when Chloe was leaning in so close to whisper things in her ear – shout actually, to be heard over the loud music – and had one arm wrapped around Beca’s shoulders; the weight of Chloe on her felt amazing and the way Chloe looked at her made her heart do funny things in her chest.

Beca definitely blamed it on the alcohol, but deep inside she knew it was the same feeling she had the first time they met at the activities fair; that smile Chloe gave her and those blue eyes, so deep that Beca felt like she was drowning in them, knocked all the air out of her lungs and she felt her heart racing.

Even if she did run away that time, Beca just couldn’t stop thinking about her, until that girl jumped in her shower, making Beca incredibly frustrated and embarrassed. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t help but looking – more than once – at the girl’s naked body and her mind wandered without her permission. Chloe was undeniably beautiful, and her confidence made her even hotter.

Beca should have known then that she was gone, but – always oblivious to her own feelings – it took her several weeks of parties and rehearsals to know that she had, in fact, fallen head over hills for the redhead.

Suddenly Beca felt Chloe stepping away from her and saw the girl launching herself into Tom’s arms. The brunette found herself downing the remains of her drink and accepting a new one from Amy. The rest of the night is still a blur, she vaguely remembered Jesse helping her through her dorm room door and saying good night, at which she believed she grunted before the guy closed the door behind him.

Beca frowned at the memory and looked back at her phone; there was a new message on the screen

CHLOE: you disappeared tho. Stacie said you left w Jesse :(

BEC: yoy wr wit Tom

CHLOE: I told you I was going to say hi and when I came back you were gone >.<

BEC: are u tofether?

CHLOE: No, I’m alone

BEC: no I mwan ar you datingm

BEC: ?

Chloe started typing and deleting and Beca started to freak out; she’d known this girl for less than a year, she saw her with Tom from day one, she had no right whatsoever to be upset about them dating, even if Chloe had been sending her mixed signals from the start and was annoyingly touchy and loving and not-so-unintentionally made Beca’s head spin more than alcohol did

CHLOE: No, he’s not my boyfriend. We used to be fwb but I ended it a while ago because I started to like someone… :)<3

  Just keep your eyes on me

 The following day Beca felt like shit; her head hurt, and she felt nauseous, that’s why she was immensely grateful to Chloe for dragging her to that stupid party the night before their special rehearsal’s session.

“Remind me to kill you when this is over” she lamented when Chloe greeted her with her usual bright smile – the girl clearly didn’t drink as much as Beca did the night before – and a quick hug

“Can’t wait” winked the redhead, making Beca’s blood boil in her veins.

Chloe really looked amazing that morning and was clearly making an effort to be noticed by the brunette; she managed to make even that idiotic hostess choreography look beautiful. It wasn’t just the dancing, Beca found every movement Chloe made incredibly sexy, maybe because of that half confession she had made the night before, or maybe because Beca knew Chloe was doing it on purpose; she knew it because Chloe basically never dropped her eye contact with Beca, almost like she was trying to cast a spell on her, and maybe she did.

“You’re on a mission today huh?” Beca hushed to her during a break

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” answered Chloe wearing a shit eating grin

“Well, better for me then, I’m enjoying the show” she shot back without thinking too much about it and regretting it right away, but the fire it lit in Chloe’s eyes told her she’d said just the right thing.

“What’s with all this eye fucking?” suddenly spat out Amy, making the room giggle. Except for Beca who became bright red, and Aubrey who cleared her throat glaring at Chloe, who innocently smiled biting her lip.

“Did you finally hook up or something?” asked Stacie in amusement

“Can we focus on the damn choreography?” asked Aubrey grinding her teeth.

  Deep in her eyes, I think I see the future

 Beca’s plan was simple: to go to college for one year, convince her dad that she tried and have him send her to Los Angeles the following year to finally start working towards her dream of producing music. However, something along the way went incredibly wrong, or rather incredibly right, and now all she wanted was to stay there with those nerds who somehow became her family.

The look on Chloe’s face when they won the finals made Beca realize that her future wasn’t in LA, her future was right there with those girls, with Chloe. In that moment Beca felt like she belonged there; she saw her next few years at Barden, with the Bellas, and in the hug they shared, Beca felt that Chloe would be part of her life forever.

The girls celebrated in the Bellas’ sorority house and they all, even Aubrey, got incredibly wasted. Most of the girls had already moved there from their dorms and wouldn’t have to go anywhere after their party.

During the night Chloe made sure to let Beca know, more than once, how sad she was that the brunette had decided to really leave for Los Angeles in the end, instead of moving in with her, and she never left her side the whole night. They drank together and laughed and danced, and they almost kissed, but Chloe pulled away last minute confusing Beca. When Beca asked her why, Chloe mumbled with watery eyes “you’re leaving, what’s the point?”, but immediately cleared her throat and dragged Beca to dance with the others. In her inebriated state, the music and Chloe’s body moving rhythmically against hers, were enough to distract Beca from that statement. Only later, walking back to her dorm, it carved its way back into her mind.

BEC ♡: I not gng to LA  

CHLO: ???

BEC ♡: im stang heee

Chloe’s reply was a string of emojis Beca was too drunk to interpret followed by

CHLO: yoy styng w the bellassssss

BEC ♡: im staying fr you

CHLO: were gnna be cocaptnsss!!!

  This woman is my destiny

 Beca’s second year at Barden started out completely differently from her first one; she was living in a sorority house along with eight other girls and was co-captain of the acapella group she led to victory the year before.

Her relationship with Chloe evolved in a strange way; they acted like a married couple now, but they never crossed the line, both too scared of ruining what they had. With Aubrey gone, the Bellas were their responsibility and Beca knew that was what mattered the most to Chloe, so she chose to focus on their acapella group. For Chloe, not because she was scared of fucking things up, obviously.

Their mutual pinning was clear to all their friends; some of them – Amy – teased them  about it, while others desperately tried to help them figure it out.

One night, during one of their let’s-get-drunk-because-why-not nights, they were playing truth or dare

“Beca” started Stacie “truth or dare?” she asked with a wicked smile, making Beca sweat

“Truth…” tentatively answered the brunette

“Do you have more than platonic feelings for anyone in this room?” asked Stacie raising an eyebrow. Chloe held her breath at that and Beca was the only one to miss it, too occupied freaking out

“Dare” blurted out Beca “dare, I meant dare!” Beca’s heart started beating dangerously fast, hoping that Stacie would have let her change her reply, but the girl’s eyes twinkled and Beca knew she’d fallen right into her trap.

“I dare you… to kiss the girl you have the biggest toner in the world for and release us all from this ridiculous sexual tension you two generate” commanded the tall girl rolling her eyes.

Beca felt all the air leave her lungs. Everything was silent around her and all she could hear was the uneven beating of her heart. She swallowed hard looking at Chloe to see what her reaction had been and the girl’s hesitant smile calmed Beca a little.

Beca wasn’t one to back down from a challenge and the alcohol in her system only made her more competitive, but most of all, there was nothing in the world she wanted more than to finally kiss Chloe, so she crossed the circle they were sitting in to reach the redhead on the other side of it. Chloe was biting her bottom lip in anticipation and Beca could see in her eyes that the girl wanted to kiss her just as much as she did.

Beca gently rested her palm on Chloe’s cheek. They didn’t speak, but they didn’t need words to communicate; their eyes were saying all they needed to say. They expressed how much they both wanted to do this, but only if the other was okay with that, and that it was going to be okay. They completely forgot they weren’t alone.

Beca leaned in and kissed her, Chloe wrapped her arms around Beca’s neck and pulled her closer, letting out a sigh that made Beca’s heart flutter. They stayed there, kneeling in the middle of the living room, kissing slowly and deeply, their lips moved together as if they were dancing. Beca wasn’t sure who deepened the kiss, but as soon as their tongues touched, a million fireworks went off in her brain, covering the sound of their friends whooping and clapping and wolf whistling – Amy – and making her forget her own name.

Beca couldn’t have enough of Chloe’s lips. When the kiss ended and Chloe tried to move away, Beca desperately chased her mouth and started kissing her again, gaining a chuckle from the redhead. The two girls were only separated by Amy accidently bathing them in tequila while waving a bottle in the air, shouting that they had to drink to that.

After two – or was it three? – Bhloe drinks, as Amy had named them, Beca was still snuggled up next to Chloe. They shared some quick kisses during the rest of the night and when they decided to go wrap it up, Beca really wasn’t ready to sleep. All she wanted to do was kiss Chloe all night long and the morning after, and for the rest of her life. When Chloe pulled her in for another kiss, she was happy to welcome Chloe’s tongue in her mouth again

“Good night, baby” whispered Chloe against her lips before leaving.

Beca was lying awake in her bed; she could still feel the ghost of Chloe’s lips lingering on hers. She took her phone and started typing.

BEC ♡: I lied at trth o dre I dont have a tner for you

CHLO: Bec…

*CHLO IS TYPING*

BEC ♡: Im crazy abt yoy! youre my destiny

BEC ♡: you’re

CHLO: you jst gve me a heartattack yoi asshole1

BEC ♡: srry xD

CHLO: wnna cme here to sleep w me?

BEC ♡: we r drnk…

CHLO:  I jut wanna slp

BEC ♡: Any wll tease th shit out of us

CHLO: I don’t care

CHLO: I miss u

Beca didn’t really use much her bed in the Bellas’ house.

[teampandawang]

After This Long Time | Part II

By: Aria

Pairing: JB X Reader

Genre: Smut

Description: How long does it take to figure out how much you wanted something? Or to be precise, you wanted someone? The years have set apart JB and y/n, but their friendship stayed alive despite the secret they kept from each other… Even though, they were hiding that secret even from themselves. It was difficult to recognize how much did they care for each other, and how much did they want each other.

‘No, please don’t.’ You said for yourself removing the tangled sheet off your sweaty body. Your face expressed the frustration in its highest level and your head announced how you misbehaved last night. OMG, how much did it pass since you didn’t feel a hangover like that?

The sun going through the window was melting your swollen eyes. So, yes… You cried last night too and who knows why. Definitely, drinking was something that makes you completely blackout. But it wasn’t the problem. You knew you always do stupid things, embarrassing things.

You tried to stand up but the world turned around as soon as you stepped out of the bed. Your head rolling of the dizziness and your feet aching of the hours spend dancing. And your stomach wasn’t the exception. It wanted to has its own appearance and announced its main show with hella nauseous. 

Fortunately, the room where you slept (that you were a little grateful it wasn’t JB’s one) has a bathroom so you just ran into it accidentally kicking the door and doing a noisy sound that woke up him.

On the other hand, Jaebum couldn’t sleep well at all. The alcohol in his system made him do weird things too. But after your midnight show, he practically recovered his sobriety. But the thoughts and feelings attacked him after you came back home. 

‘Did she really mean it?’ A voice whispered in his head. But the sudden thunder made him notice that you were asleep and probably suffering what he was used to deal with when you partied as teenagers.

He didn't hesitate to get into your room and burst you in the bathroom when you laid weak. He squatted grabbing your hair with care and palming softly your back. 

You felt incredibly embarrassed about having him watching you like this. You were a woman now, a grown woman, but you knew your actions the last night was childish and ridiculous. The feeling heated your face and your cheeks shinned in bright red. You thanked God he couldn’t see you ‘cause you didn’t want things to get worst.

You regain your composure after the relief. You sat down refusing to face him after all. 

“So you’re the same girl.” Jaebum said teasingly tapping again your back with a smirk on his lips. That fucking smirk.

You felt again a warm climbing up your face, but this time wasn’t because of the shyness, it was for anger. Did he really dare to treat you like that? You were fighting with your inner self for being enough last night and now he’s just joking around about what happened.

“Shut the fuck up, Im Jaebum.” You said annoyed. The killer gaze was placed in your eyes and attacking him.

“Hey! Take it easy, Y/N.” He added trying to cool down the things and offering you a hand to help you to stand up. You took it, but immediately closed the door pushing him outside to your bedroom.

“Y/N…” He knocked the door and added after you hummed. “I will cook breakfast. I’ll wait for you in the kitchen… I- we, we have to talk.”

He scratched his neck nervous waiting for an answer. But the only thing that you left was an eternal silence that was ripping his nerves. You were destroying him with uncertainty.

The cold water on your face made you felt better, refreshed. You brushed your teeth desperate thinking about what Jaebum wanted to tell you. But you were pretty sure about how was going to be the chat about. And it certainly sped up your heartbeat, like it was going to explode.

Now, you got a couple of minutes thinking about what you were going to say: ‘I was too drunk to think.’ ‘I can’t remember anything.’ ‘Maybe I was taken by the vibe.’ No, nothing was enough… All those excuses sounded fake, and in a certain point, they were cringey for an adult woman.

A confidence boost took you out of the bathroom. You took a deep breath to encourage you even more and stepped without hesitation towards the kitchen. Your gaze was focused on the floor, but your mind told you to stop avoiding your acts and you, as always, obeyed.

“Jae…” You said with your voice cracked and swinging nervously a foot on the floor. He hummed and response. “Can we talk?”

He felt how his skin turned pale. He was dying inside. How was he supposed to act right now? He knew what he did and he was suffering about your reaction. After this long time, he kept doubting if what he feels towards you was mutual. His body was cold, waiting for what you were about to say, but he faced you disguising his worries.

“I’m- I’m sorry.” He said instantly. Your eyes turned into a confused gaze. What was he doing? Wasn’t you the one that had to apologize about going too fast?

“What? Why are you apologizing?” You frowned confused. “Wasn’t I the one who was supposed to say that?”

He shook his eyes open, scratching the back of his neck and letting a nervous giggle go out of his lips. He leaned over the kitchen island and crossed his arms. He was hiding something, but your curiosity was awake and wanting to know what was going on.

You arched an eyebrow and walked slowly to the island, leaning over it just next to him. You crossed your arms to and looked at his eyes daring him.

“What do you have to tell me, Im Jaebum?” You smirked.

I’m sooooo sorry I let you all waiting this long for the second part, but Uni was killing me.

But I’m finishing my semester so I’m kinda free.

Hope you enjoy it!

Aria.

[fairycosmos]

do you ever get this nauseous feeling of dread in the pit of your stomach thinking about the future and how alone you are and probably always will be? it’s so bad lately and i can’t make the feeling go away. i tried tinder lol but even there all the conversations feel so empty. i just can’t connect with anyone. i don’t know how other people seem to make friends and lovers so easily. it never happens for me. life could be beautiful if only i had someone to be myself with. it hurts so bad

yes, always, all the time.....i haven't really found a solution unfortunately. 😔 though it is my understanding that our perception of the future is often wildly inaccurate, as it is rooted in what we fear (i.e constant loneliness). since we're afraid of it we're more inclined to believe that it's waiting for us. especially if its been prominent in our lives so far.....really we have no way of knowing. maybe the self hating part of you will insist that you understand what's coming, that not finding connection is likely or even inevitable. but you're biased against yourself so it's not a trustworthy judgement. you know? ive also noticed that my solid sense of self has really disappeared since ive been alone, and so all issues pertaining to me and who i am, kind of slip away.... it's hard when you don't have anyone to remind you you're real. it jolts violently between painful and numbing. it's ok to be sad about it, to cry when you need to, to let it be what it is. you don't have to make the feeling go away, you just have to try not to hold onto it. try not to let it dictate your actions and what you bring into actual reality. you're more than this moment and your current self perception. isolation really does a number on the mind and the emotional landscape, so cut yourself some slack in that regard. honestly...... i think periods of solitude are way more common than people want to admit. i know it seems like everyone's got their group and that you're some sort of outlier, but circumstance dictates so much. we lose touch with others, or we grow beyond the relationship, or we just never get the chance to meet the right people at the right time....it's not a personal failing on your part. it's not because you're undeserving of love and friendship. you have to remember that part and live like you believe it. it's just that substantial bonds are difficult to find as an adult or as you're growing up. your brain will always try to twist this and bully you with it like a petulant child, like a 'haha loser' sort of thing (at least mine does) but that's a very narrow understanding of a much broader issue. i guess it's true that not everyone you meet is supposed to be a life changing figure in your existence as a human. i guess it's true that shallow relationships are unavoidable. but you're allowed to be frustrated and you're allowed to want more for yourself, especially if that eventually spurs you into actively seeking what you crave.....even just keeping the channel open and working on your own self confidence enables you to connect with others in an easier way. anyway here are some small coping mechanisms that have somewhat helped me even if they feel dumb:

1. trying to treating myself like a friend and prioritizing self care. it's too exhausting if you don't.

2. being around animals.

3. writing about how you're feeling, making it tangible. and reading. people in the past felt like this, too.

4. time spent alone is still time spent with the world, you still belong.

5. taking the time to see your situation from multiple points of view.

6. talking to a professional or a family member. even if you don't necessarily want to. maybe they won't get it fully, but just saying it out loud is something.

it's a good sign that you want to put yourself out there to any extent and you should try to keep at it. getting discouraged is natural but it doesn't last. ideas like volunteering, looking into support groups in your area, joining internet communities, even just getting to a public place like a library and being amongst the crowd.....it all adds up and keeps you in the present. finding people w common ground like a hobby is important, too. maybe it seems like a stupid or vague idea but there's always communal activities or events to check out. nerves are just a part of it. seriously, where you're at right now is definitely just a stepping stone in your life, nowhere near the final picture. as you get a job and expand your horizons/find your niche, you're going to engage with loads of experiences n people you can't even conceive of rn. and i totally get why you find it hard to believe. but it's not impossible to think that change is in store at some point, especially when you consider how much it's already occurred in your lifetime, right? i believe in you and im rooting for you to find a sustainable support network, even if it's a process or it takes time. you're not as alone in this as it seems. and it's not your fault no matter what narrative your sadness is telling you. take it one day at a time. and try to focus on what you can actually tend to in this moment. that's what ive been doing. anyway im sending a lot of love to you and please feel free to hmu if you need someone 💌

[dwaynepride]

Surprise?

Prompt: ok SO oneshot request where reader is gibbs daughter and her and tony are in a relationship but reader gets pregnant and she and tony try to figure out how to tell gibbs about it and like gotta have that super adorable Dad Gibbs™

Requester: itty-bitty-baby-face 

Words: 1,000 (NOT INTENDED IM JUST THAT GOOD I GUESS)

Warnings: None

Tony was kissing you as hard as he could, pouring so much of himself into it. If there was ever a time for a wildly-passionate kiss, it was right now.

Sure, Tony liked to think all his kisses were passionate. But now wasn't the time for narcissism.

He pulled away, both hands cupping your face as Tony pressed his forehead against yours. The two of you just breathed each other in, letting the world fall away. It sounded cliche (Tony would know; he's seen every cliche in the book), but it really did feel like you both were the only people in the world.

Well, the two of you, and little DiNozzo that was currently growing inside you.

Tony backed his head away, immediately giving a wide smile when he looked at your face. It was nice to find you smiling back. He always assumed that when he got someone pregnant, they'd be pissed at him. But god, he was so damn wrong. “This is easily the greatest moment of my life.” Tony mumbled out, and one of his thumbs trailed over your soft cheek.

He was rewarded when you nuzzled closer into the palm of his hand, enjoying the heat it gave off. “So you're happy? For real?”

“Why wouldn't I be?” Tony couldn't help but scoff at the idea. Sure, he's never given much thought to kids. But now that it was a reality, nine months felt like eternity.

You have a small shrug, eyes averting away. “Well, you know, my father…?”

Instantly, the warm, fuzzy feelings in Tony's stomach froze like ice. Crap. He almost forgot about Gibbs. One of the only people who he respected just as much as he was afraid of. He was already on a slippery slope just for being with his daughter.

But now that you're pregnant?

You felt Tony tense up a bit, and a hard look enter his eyes. And it immediately made you even more worried. This was all falling apart, and you haven't even told your dad yet…

“We'll figure it out.”

Tony's words surprised you. Because despite the look on his face, he sounded confident. Sure that everything will turn out alright. You gave him a him. “What?”

“I said, we'll figure it out.” Tony's hands rubbed up and down your arms comfortingly, despite the knot still in his gut. But right now, you needed strength. And it was his job to provide it. “Gibbs is understanding, most of the time. But most importantly, he loves you. And he kinda likes me. Sure, he'll be shocked at first. But he'll come around.”

He gave a soft smile, and elicited one of your own, because you trusted Tony. He was right; Gibbs would understand. He might even be happy for you.

He was going to be pissed. Tony was wrong.

Maybe it was the anxiety talking. Maybe it was making you see things that weren't there. When you and Tony invited Gibbs over for dinner tonight, he arrived happy. Gave you a tight hug and shook the hand of his second in command. He even brought wine.

And yet, your stomach was in knots. You had to escape to the kitchen when it became too much, feigning checking on the cooking pot roast in the oven.

You were nauseous; wasn't it too early to start feeling this sick? So you just took deep breaths,  calming yourself. Your father wasn't cruel. He'd be happy. He'll be excited…

“Y/N, everything okay in here?”

It was him. Gibbs. You jumped at your father's voice and whirled around, seeing his concerned eyes. It made you feel guilty, along with the nervousness. “Of course.” You chirped, forcing a smile.

But he knew you much better than that. You were his little girl. Gibbs approached, his expression unreadable as he read you so easily. It was almost unfair, the advantage he had. “You and I both know that's not true.” He lightly pushed. A hand gripped your shoulder, firm and steadying. Gibbs had a way of making others stronger. “You can tell me anything, you know.”

Your eyes rose to your father's, and you found only patience and concern in his eyes. Maybe it wouldn't be so hard to tell him. Maybe you've been overreacting.

So you raised a hand to cover his on your shoulder, breathing in to steady your nerves before meeting his gaze. “Dad, a few days ago, I found something out. Something really good. And I've been trying to figure out how to tell you-”

“You're pregnant.”

Those exact words got stuck in your throat. Gibbs smiled when your sheepish expression turned into shock. “How did you know?” You breathed out. “Did Tony-”

“DiNozzo didn't say a thing.” He interrupted before using his hand on your shoulder to pull you in for a hug. And that gesture made you feel better. He wasn't mad. “You haven't been drinking the wine. Kept lookin’ at DiNozzo all night. You looked scared stiff. Figured it was that.”

Once the shock fell away, you started to laugh a little. Figures having a cop as a father would result in something like this. “So...you're not mad?”

Gibbs shook his head, tightening the hug a little. “Why should I be mad?” He asked lowly. “I love you. And I trust DiNozzo more than I probably should. I've trusted him with you for a while now. And I know he'll make a good father.”

And maybe it was the pregnancy hormones, but tears pricked in your eyes that ultimately seeped into the cloth of your father's shirt. You squeezed him tight, relishing the hug as your chin rested on his shoulder.

That's when you noticed Tony standing in the archway, a huge smile on his face. Maybe he was happy he didn't have to be the one who broke the news to Gibbs.

But really, he heard what his boss had said. And Tony felt a little honoured to be trusted with something so precious.

[christophersymes]

Celebrity Status

Celebrity Status, an ongoing L(G)B(T)+ story also on Wattpad and Quotev.

<– Previous / Next –>

Chapter Four

A month later, Jules had been down for a while. His depression was in full swing, with a baseball bat full of nails, directly in his face. He'd hardly even made it to class that day, let alone online, and hadn't even gone to work yet and felt like crying. It was taking a lot to do anything, and he felt awful because he wanted to talk to Not-Elías so bad, but couldn't think of words to say aside from

good afternoon

. And he'd hardly spoken yesterday or the day before either. He hated it.

Mason had been hearing less and less from Jules the past few days, even though he'd been sending an embarrassing amount of messages. Jules did message back most times, but when she did she was curt and sounded... off.

masonfucker1000: jules

masonfucker1000: hope ur days going okay

masonfucker1000: hey what if humans were like bees and we had smth like a fucking stinger and if we killed someone w it we died and it was the only legal way to murder

masonfucker1000: i was hanging out w some friends and we ended up playing nerf guns and i somehow got a foam bullet down my pants

familyjules: ah, the only other thing you've ever gotten down ur pants.

masonfucker1000: hey are you okay? im kinda getting worried

masonfucker1000: if someone else threw a salad at you ill kick em

familyjules: afternoon, not-elías.

masonfucker1000: afternoon!! FINALLY!! juliet hath emerged! hey what's been going on???

♦️

Juliet.

He called him Juliet.

Jules froze, staring at the message, feeling tears pricking at his eyes. He hadn't told him, no, but still... He was Jules. Jullian. Anything except Juliet.

He stared at it, then grumbled to himself. "Juliet. Not. Fucking. Juliet." He got out of the truck and slammed the door, angry now that he even had to go to work. He stood by his truck, still staring at the message, then accidentally threw his phone on the concrete in the parking lot and stomped on it.

Then he realized what he'd done. Fuck. "Fuck, fuck, fuck. God damn it! Whatever." He picked up the pieces and pocketed the SIM card, telling himself he'd just buy a new one tonight after work and ship it to his house. He was enough of a dumbass already.

He tossed them in the dumpster as he went inside.

Mason frowned when there was no reply. An hour passed, even. Nothing.

A day.

masonfucker1000: jules? are you okay?

Jules was still upset, and still had no fucking phone.

Two days.

masonfucker1000: jules, please if i did something just talk to me

And a day after that, he was still upset, but at least he had a phone.

Three. Jules had never gone three days without at least a half-assed two word message.

Whenever he was home, he just stared at the message, fuming. Not-Elías had called him Juliet. He had to know him somehow, then, and by his deadname.

On the third day, the anger got bad enough he ended up messaging.

familyjules: how the fuck do you know my name and why are you doing this

Mason had been having lunch with the band when he got the message. He dropped his slice of pizza, mouth still open in shock. His eyes widened, and he excused himself, muttering under his breath that he'd be right back.

masonfucker1000: shit dude, what? juliet?

masonfucker1000: I just sort of guessed that's what it was short for

masonfucker1000: what do you mean???

Jules scoffed, opening Rabbit as fast as he could and sending Not-Elías a link.

As soon as he entered the room, Jules glared at the camera.

"My goddamn name is not Juliet, so stop calling me that. I don't know who the fuck you are, but you must know me and want to get to me now for some reason, so just... fucking stop being a dick—"

Mason gaped at Jules as she immediately started yelling and threatening at him. Jesus fuck.

"—and tell me the truth before I have to figure it out myself and beat your fucking ass. I'm not in the goddamn mood to be led on some goose chase and deal with bigots like you or deal with people who hold some stupid grudge against me. Leave me alone if that's the fucking case, or I will figure shit out and do something."

Not-Elias: jules geez

Not-Elias: holy shit

Not-Elias: i dont understand why youre so angry but im sorry if i pissed you off okay?

Not-Elias: i wont call u that anymore

Not-Elias: message me when you've calmed down

Not-Elias left the room.

Jules was still angry when he left the room. He ended up closing it too, only to reopen it later that night, as well as the fansite. He private messaged Not-Elías a link, promising in some garbled text not to yell again.

familyjules: rabb.it/familyjules pls cone ib i promize not to yellll i midd u

familyjules: misa u

Mason had been thinking about.... whatever that had been with Jules. She'd called him a bigot and talked about grudges. And Juliet was a definite no. He had a theory he was a bit too freaked to think much on. He frowned when he got a just barely comprehensible message. God, was Jules crying or something? He immediately clicked the link.

Jules was leaning back in the chair, pouring himself a shot from the bottle of vodka, singing a Nosam song along with the YouTube video. "Not-Elías!" he exclaimed, speech a little slurred, grinning. He leaned forward too fast and spilled half the shot on his shirt. "Whoops."

He downed the rest to prevent more spillage and then took a sip of Coke. "Hi, I wanted to say I'm sorry for earlier and yelling at you because it's obvious you're not anyone from high school because you're good unlike them. They couldn't even fake it. And I wanted to explain— I'm trans and I was bullied, and I miss you a lot but I've been sad a lot lately and it's cold and cold is triggering and I'm gonna drink more now." He poured himself another shot.

Mason's eyes widened in surprise at the state Jules was in. And then he was concerned. Very concerned.

Not-Elias: is that vodka?

Not-Elias: careful!

And then he froze as Jules spoke. Trans.

Fuck. So, okay. Mason didn't know himself that well after all. That's fine. It was okay. He tried to convince himself of that even if he felt a little nauseous and increasingly out of control.

He'd been such a dick when he was younger. Defensive, reckless, disrespectful, not caring about anyone else and keeping emotions bottled in. He had pretended to be confident, created a version of himself for everyone else and believed it. And once he'd been called out by so many, by Chris, he'd realized what he'd turned into: this sexist, queer-phobic prick, like a jock straight out of a movie.

He worked so hard to figure out why and relearn how he thought about things, about people, thinking about things he said to make sure he wasn't hurting anybody. He spent so much time learning himself inside and out. Actually starting to like himself for once, no more surprises. And even if his chest was aching and he couldn't breathe from hearing Jules say that, he knew he liked Jules a lot. He knew he had to deal with it.

He wasn't straight.

But he didn't know what to think— his own secrecy had been different— but— of course they weren't dating, and online— and Mason couldn't possibly pretend he knew what being trans was like. Whatever reason Jules had had for not telling him was probably a good one, even though it hurt. Mason realized he hadn't responded, and frankly didn't know how.

Not-Elias: okay

Not-Elias: youve def been drinking too much

Not-Elias: jules

Not-Elias: why didnt you tell me?

Mason paused, biting his lip. He didn't want to sound mad, but he was kind of upset. And he deserved to know why, didn't he?

Jules knocked back the shot, then leaned forward to read his messages. "I said I was bullied... They did some online too and I'm super scared about the fansite being a lot of people who could gang up on me sometimes—" Jules's lip trembled a little and he shook his head and touok a deep breath. No crying in front of Not-Elías.

"I was scared when I started thinking more and liking you, 'cause you were new and different and I was having fun talking to you, but you said you were cis and straight and it was actually real hard to even tell you I'm bi. And it's okay if you don't like me now cause you're straight and I'm a dude, I understand that."

Mason frowned at how Jules looked close to tears, instantly angry at everyone who'd hurt her— who'd hurt him.

His stomach turned as he thought about all the times he misgendered him. Oh God, he suddenly felt really sick. All of those shes and hers crawling up his throat.

Not-Elias: oh jules

Not-Elias: no i

Not-Elias: i like you

He bit his lip. Get over it, Mason.

Not-Elias: i guess i'm just gay. go figure

Jules wiped at his face with his shirt, then remembered there was vodka all over it and pouted a little, staring down at it.

Whoa, there was a flash. Mason's breath caught. He definitely saw a nipple and— fuck. But, oh God, was Jules drunk.

Not-Elias: listen do me a favor, baby, no more shots, yeah?

Not-Elias: put the vodka away

Yes, it felt a little weird calling Jules baby for a moment, knowing he was a guy, but it still felt right. Mason was fucking gay.

Oh, poor Andrew. All alone.

Jules read the messages and wanted to cry even more. He felt so silly for hiding it for so long, especially if it was going like this. "Are you sure?" he asked, staring at the messages.

And then the few about the vodka came through and he pouted, though he was blushing a bit at being called baby again. "But I don't wanna. Tomorrow's my day off and drinking is fun!" He grabbed the bottle, cradling it against his chest. "'S like my baby."

Not-Elias: im sure

Not-Elias: a hundred percent

Not-Elias: even if youre a complete mess

Not-Elias: and you've drunk

Not-Elias: youre drunk

Not-Elias: too much more and youll be poisoned

Not-Elias: ill be your baby instead

Jules grinned, leaning forward. His leg was bouncing now. He set down the bottle. "All right," he said. "But you're my baby now. You gotta come hug me."

Not-Elias: nice okay thank you

Not-Elias: u should drink water if you can

Not-Elias: oh i want to. i will

Mason hated this, not being able to talk to Jules. Especially when he was in this state. He needed comfort, and Mason wanted to give it and— damn it, he wished he could just turn on his camera. Maybe he should. He seriously considered it and— no, not right now, when he was drunk.

Jules tuned into the music again and gasped, grinning. He sang along a little, nodding and getting up to get water like he was told, completely forgetting he was in just a tank top and underwear— not even boxers, just underwear. He came back still singing, then lifted the water so Not-Elías could see it. "Water."

Mason whined a bit as Jules stood up, looking away a second later, staring at the tour bus ceiling. Why did the world want to be so generous yet so cruel?

Not-Elias: and you said you're not a singer

Not-Elias: good! drink up!

Jules grinned, taking a drink and leaning back a little in his chair. "Oh—uh— is there anything you want to listen to? Or watch?"

Not-Elias: uhhhhhh

Not-Elias: spongebob?

Jules nodded, opening up Amazon Prime and attempting to search for it. He misspelled it a few times, but got it in the end. "Oh, this is the best episode," Jules said, grinning and hovering over the Bubble Bowl episode.

They watched one and a half episodes, during which Jules had moved from the chair to his bed, putting the laptop on the chair. Mason honestly wasn't paying all that much attention to Spongebob. Jules was so cute, his drunk commentary endearing.

At some point Mason realized Jules had fallen asleep. He smiled, eyes going soft.

He barely thought about it when he turned on the mic.

"Goodnight, Jules."

Jules, fast asleep, groaned a little. "G'night," he mumbled. "Lub you."

Mason's heart jumped to his throat.

"Jules? Are you awake?"

He blushed hard, cheeks hot. He probably wouldn't mention that part to Jules in the morning.

"Nuh uh," Jules hummed, pulling the blanket over himself better. "'m sleep."

Mason laughed lightly. "Really? Sleeptalker, huh? I'll let you sleep. Talk to you in the morning."

Mason had turned off his mic and hadn't even noticed he had fallen asleep.

"Mason? Why're you still on your computer? S' the middle of the night."

Mason jerked awake, blinking as he looked at Jules on-screen and then at Chris on the top bunk across, leaning over the bed and frowning at him sleepily.

Mason sighed, rubbing some sleep out of his eyes. "I think I'm gonna tell Jules," he said.

"What?" Austin grumbled from below Chris, turning and blinking wildly at Mason. His wavy hair was sticking up in all directions, like static or that kid from Meet The Robinsons.

"He said he's gonna tell Jules," Andrew growled from above Mason, grumpy from being woken up, but listening, blankets tugged tight over his otherwise naked body.

Chris supported his chin on his hand as he tried to get a better look at Mason's face. He was serious. "What changed finally?"

Mason sighed, panic returning as his brain turned the lights back on and told him he was supposed to be freaking out. "It keeps getting harder. And we didn't talk for a bit and— last night— tonight he— he's trans. And he was drunk— "

"Wait— "

"Did you say— "

Mason groaned, dropping his face into his pillow. "Don't--"

Andrew wheezed from above him. "Fuck."

"You're— "

"I get to say it! You dumbasses got to come out," Mason whined as he sat up. "I'm not straight. Probably, uh, pan."

Austin started laughing sleepily as he leaned up on his elbow to properly make fun of Mason.

"I saw it coming," Andrew mumbled. "But fuck you."

Chris bit his lip worriedly. "Okay, but remember when that one fan gave out your number and address even though the address was fake, but you had to change your number and— "

Mason sighed loudly. "Yes, I remember."

And he did remember. He'd thought about it quite a bit, all the worst case scenarios. Jules being pissed off at being royally catfished and outting him to the world in the worst way possible, or Jules being way too happy and outting him and not really caring about him, or Jules just completely cutting him off in shock and outrage. Mason shook the thoughts away. "Jules isn't like that. I just— I want her— him to know, I'm sick of lying."

Austin shrugged. "Okay. Your choice, man. Go for it."

Andrew hummed in agreement, giving the idea a thumbs up that Mason didn't even see, already falling asleep again. Chris sighed and smiled, "I'm sure you're right. You're a good judge of character."

Mason smiled, "Thanks."

In the morning, Jules woke up to find he'd fallen asleep on Rabbit with Not-Elias. He smiled, nuzzling his face against the pillow. He was so cute. So good. He remembered getting drunk and telling him everything, and he'd taken it in stride, just accepting...

He sighed, staring at the icon of Mason on the screen. He wished he knew him. This was just making him want to date him more, though he knew his own rules and didn't want to break them. It felt kinda shitty to feel like that, though, especially since Jules wanted to just... live, really, but it felt like there was always something holding him back. He wiped at his eyes, realizing he was crying a little. God, he was so pathetic.

Mason woke up again to see that Jules was awake. He smiled, then noticed he seemed kinda sad. Mason got up, washing his face and brushing his teeth, looking at himself in the mirror for a moment. Well, he looked as good as he usually did, he guessed. He guessed? Fuck. He was nervous. He groaned and put on a hoodie, yawning as he walked past the bunks and sat down, putting his earphones in.

Not-Elias: good morning! how're you feeling?

Jules jumped a little at the message tone, wiping his eyes again to make sure any trace of tears was gone. He disguised it as sleepy rubbing his eyes and smiled. "Morning, Not-Elias. I feel..." Jules considered telling the truth, laying on his back and staring at the ceiling. He settled on one thing. "Hungover. Kinda tired. My head hurts a little. How are you feeling?"

Not-Elias: a little flipped upside down, honestly

Not-Elias: but uh, overall, pretty good

Not-Elias: okay, actually im a little nervous

Not-Elias: hey

Not-Elias: do u know what would be cool

Not-Elias: u should play me some bass

Jules smiled. "I'm glad you're feeling okay, though. I mean— What happened is... a lot, probably. If you need to talk, I'm here. And you really want to hear me play right now? I— uh— okay." He leaned over, picking up his bass from the stand by his bed.

"I wonder if I can play it laying down." He plucked a few strings, then shifted his hands to play it. He laughed a little. "I guess I can... God, you have no idea how many times I've dropped this thing. I'm shocked it still plays." He lifted it up, grinning.

Mason smiled, watching him fondly as he grabbed the bass and played around with it, rambling and laughing. What was he even going to say? 'Hi, I'm not Elias, I'm Not-Elias, with a dash' or 'I'm Not-Elias, AKA Mason Hill AKA masonfucker1000 AKA an asshole?' or even 'Hey, it's Mason, please don't be mad at me or post about this?'.

God, everything he could think of was woefully lame. It was like his nerves had turned him into Chris.

"There's actually a really bad scratch somewhere on here, I think it's on the back... I dropped it when I first got it because my parents told me some shit, I don't even remember what, but it scared me. Oh— oh, I think it was when my grandpa died. They told me and I just... dropped it. It's funny now, because like... y'know, that was my grandpa, but— "

Mason couldn't take it any longer. He moved the mouse, cursor hovering over the camera icon. It seemed easier to do it when Jules was occupied, it made Mason less nervous than when he was looking at the screen. He turned his mic on first, then his camera, smiling. "Uh, hey," he said softly to get his attention. Hey wasn't exactly what he had wanted to say first, but fuck it. His heart was thumping in his ears.

[jae-bummer]

My Idol: Part Thirteen

My Idol From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

My Idol is a South Korean competitive reality dating game show. It currently airs on Wednesday nights on Jae-bummer’s blog. First broadcast in 2016, the show offers the opportunity for a lucky fan to go on seven blind dates with seven idols. The idol plans the date with the show throwing in specific missions to complete during the day. At the end of the initial dates, the show opens up an audience vote to decide what three idols will move on to the second date.

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 8 - Part 9 - Part 10 - Part 11 - Part 12 - Part 13 - Part 14 - Part 15 - Part 16 - Part 17 - Part 18 - Part 19 - Part 20 - Part 21 - Part 22

A shiver ran down your spine as you exited the large SUV. Winter and spring argued in the air before you, smacking a vicious wind against your cheeks, and causing your eyes to water. Similar to the battle going on between your mind and heart. the weather around you was filled with turmoil, unsure of what it really wanted. It was supposed to be the beginnings of spring, but winter seemed to carelessly inhibit it’s attempt at growing. The cherry blossom trees lining the street you had parked on made a desperate attempt at blooming, but they seemed stunted. You knew the feeling.

Gnawing on your bottom lip, you wiped your moist palms against your jeans. You didn’t bother to turn as Sweaty and Armpit huffed out of the vehicle behind you, considering they were now a constant fixture in your life. It was strange, having two grotesquely large men follow you around with cameras...and having it becoming a normalized situation. 

Then again, the whole concept of the past few weeks was strange, and you were just as desensitized to that. You remembered the initial feeling of joy, panic, and nausea as you stood waiting for your first idol. At this point you almost felt guilty as you stood, waiting for the seventh man of this journey to greet you, feeling a sense of relief. The initial dates would be complete soon, and you wouldn’t be burdened with first impressions and shy hellos. The six idols you had met thus far made you feel things you weren’t aware you were capable of feeling. You had become all too familiar with fear, with distain, with confusion, with surprise, with joy. Your brain had been processing so many emotions, no wonder it was in a constant argument with your heart. 

You stood before a building comprised of glass windows and doors. You shifted your weight, crossed your arms, and tried to be patient. Searching each small window for any sign of a face, you finally gave up and began to look at your shoes again, allowing yourself to dive back into your thoughts. 

Your mind launched from fragment to fragment, attempting to relive each date until this point. It seemed like it had been an eternity since your first, since you were greeted by the sight of Im Jaebum. Closing your eyes, if you focused hard enough, you could almost smell his cologne as if you were once again enclosed in his coat. You had felt warm and nervous, pressed tightly to his body and your lips still hot from your accidental kiss. They weren’t nearly as hot as your face though, when it had been inches from Taehyung’s on your second date. Your lips nearly touching as you both nibbled on a churro after your first and only failure at a mission. Dating Taehyung had felt like spending time with an old friend you had rekindled a romance with. This was the complete opposite when reflecting on your date with Jay, the meddling ex-idol rapper who had completely enticed you by his actions following his date. You had initially felt something similar to disgust after your first exchange, but even up until Sehun’s date, he couldn’t seem to leave you alone...and you weren’t necessary upset by it. 

Jooheon’s date was a welcomed relaxation following the roller coaster that was your time with Jay. You had never felt so relaxed with an idol than you had with Jooheon. He felt comfortable, like a sweater you had bought at the end of winter season and rediscovered again the following fall. And speaking of fall...fall you did during Seunghyun’s date, but not nearly in the way you had ever expected. You had made a complete fool of yourself, allowing your thoughts to scream louder than your words as you fled from what could have been the most connected you had ever felt to another human being in something as short as a day. And then you were left to clean up the initial impression of yourself as you met Sehun, your sixth idol. You had both been awkward initially, but the feeling melted away as time passed. It was the epitome of first date, down to the anxious butterflies and flirting. You thought back to Sehun dropping you off on your doorstep shortly after you had enjoyed coffee with a couple nearly twice your age...

“I don’t want to stress you,” Sehun sighed, reaching your doorstep. “So I won’t ask for a kiss...or for you to wait for me for an extended period of time while I join the military.”

“Sehun,” you groaned, closing your eyes as a nauseous feeling swept your stomach. 

“What? I’m not talking about the show,” Sehun smiled with a shit-eating grin. “I’m simply citing an example of things men have asked women. This isn’t The Notebook, Y/N. This is My Idol.”

“What is your point Sehunnie,” you sighed, crossing your arms. 

“My point is, if the audience picks me, I will be so incredibly excited,” Sehun whispered, pulling you into his arms and setting his chin on your head. “But if they don’t, I’ll be okay. And you’ll be okay. And this will be an experience we both had and can laugh about someday...just don’t worry so much.”

“Sehun-” you sighed, attempting to look up at him, but he pulled you closer. 

“I’m not done,” he chuckled. You felt him shift to look at one of the cameras. “Did I say I was done speaking? Aigoo, this kid.”

You groaned into his sweater, stomping your foot as you accepted your wool prison. 

“This is completely out of your hands,” he continued. “And my hands. Did I mention how capable my hands are?” 

You groaned again, trying to urge the man before you to finish his point. 

“Alright, alright,” he laughed. He kissed your forehead lightly before retreating, his long fingers intertwining in yours as he pulled away. “Just don’t stress too much. Your face is too pretty for wrinkles.” 

You heaved a sigh as you opened your eyes again, still alone in front of the mirrored windows that made up the large building before you. You looked cautiously over your shoulder to Sweaty and Armpit who were speaking quietly to each other. Sehun was right. You shouldn’t stress. 

Which was easy enough to say when you were alone. 

Your head snapped forward as you heard the spring of a door activate, launching open and outward from the mirrored building. A handsome man hustled out of it and toward you, a beautiful grin placed on his perfectly proportioned face. 

“I’m late,” he admitted, standing before you with a sad smile. “Well...I mean, technically I’m Mingyu, but I’m also late.”

You chuckled at his corny joke, nodding as he spoke. His voice was pleasant, his words falling from his lips with little thought or concern. You couldn’t help yourself as you looked up and down the man, from his perfectly styled hair to his perfectly coordinated clothing. He exuded a confidence you hadn’t quite experienced before. He was the youngest idol you had dated thus far, so his self-assurance was endearing. 

“You ready?” he hummed, directing his chin toward the building behind him. 

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” you sighed, nodding to yourself again. Mingyu smiled warmly at you before taking your hand into his. You were surprised by his action so early on, but he took it in stride. He didn’t seem to have any reservations as he moved forward, tugging you toward the door he had just emerged from. 

“Not to make this completely awkward,” he sighed, pulling open the door and motioning for you to enter. “But do you know what group I’m a member of?”

“Well, I didn’t know this was going to be a pop quiz...Ming-goop was it?” you chuckled, shooting a wink at him. “You’re a rapper in Seventeen, but don’t think I’m a fan or anything.”

MIngyu laughed loudly, his happiness radiating down the empty hallways he led you through. “Of course you’re a fan. More specifically, I’d like to think your my fan. Am I your favorite?”

“Sure,” you nodded with a grin. 

“That was convincing,” he chuckled. “Even if I wasn’t your favorite, you’re kind of forced into telling me I am.”

“Am not,” you argued. “Matter of fact, I have no reservations about letting you know that The8 is my favorite.”

“Pfft, okay,” Mingyu laughed, looking over his shoulder at you. “I’m everyone’s favorite.”

Your eyes grew wide as you watched the boy before you continue to navigate the building. “Oh?”

“Don’t lie, you have my poster taped to your ceiling,” MIngyu teased. “Right above your bed so I’m the last thing you see at night.”

“Is that why you’re so tall?” you gasped. “To fit all of that ego?”

You were enjoying your banter with MIngyu as you continued down hallway after hallway, each one more grey and dimly lit than the next. You had no idea where you were or where you were going, but with your ease of interaction with MIngyu, you didn’t really care. 

“I just seem tall to those that are vertically challenged,” he nodded. “Such as yourself.”

“Vertically challenged?” you croaked. “I’m not even that short...”

“But I’ll admit,” he smiled. “You are pretty cute.”

“Of course I’m pretty cute,” you grumbled, pouting a bit from his previous comment. “I had to be pretty cute if they were sending me off to get kidnapped by idols. Where the heck are we going by the way?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Mingyu laughed. 

“Well yes, I would like to know,” you nodded. “That’s why I’ve asked.”

“Patience,” MIngyu sighed, finally reaching another door. He kept his hand hovering over the doorknob before turning to you dramatically. “Are you ready to find out our date location?”

“I don’t understand where the mental block is coming from, I literally just asked-” you muttered, but MIngyu cut you off. 

“I took you in through the back way for dramatic effect...but we’re...” he pulled open the small wooden door with entirely too much force, causing it to slam into the wall behind it. A crowd of people stood on the opposite side, shooting wary looks to the tall boy before going about their business. You looked around quickly, trying to identify your surroundings before Mingyu spoke the words. 

“The aquarium!” 

Your face broke out into an instant grin as you looked from the brightly colored fish banners back to the boy beside you. Pride glowed from his face as he looked back down at you. “How do you feel about really large fish and aquatic mammals?”

“Positively,” you nodded, nearly skipping out of the door. 

“They have sixteen different themed zones,” Mingyu nodded, the electricity of excitement emitting from his body. His fingers squeezed yours as he spoke, the smile never leaving his face. “But before that, I advise we get a fish ice cream. Snacks are very important on a first date.”

If you were an anime character, your eyes would have transformed into hearts as you stared up at him. “I couldn’t agree more.”

In the past couple of weeks, you had forgotten how fun simple experiences could be if you let your guard down from time to time. Maybe it was because you were on your last first date of the season, or maybe it was Mingyu’s laid back attitude, but you felt completely at ease as you strolled between the tanks. 

You bit at the fish shaped ice cream Mingyu had bought you, your free hand still encased in Mingyu’s fingers. He wasn’t afraid to keep ahold of you, making sure everyone in the nearby vicinity knew you were together, and were indeed on a date. 

“My date’s cute, isn’t she?” Mingyu had asked the aquarium worker selling the ice creams. Your face had grown hot from the sudden comment. The worker nodded politely, reaching deep into the freezer to attain the food before MIngyu could make the situation anymore awkward. “But I’m cute too, right?”

You had lost it at that point, dissolving into a fit of giggles as you stood beside the young man. The freezer worker, a young man himself, immediately looked up at Mingyu, his cheeks growing red. Even simply thinking of the story caused you to chuckle quietly to yourself. 

“They’re funny looking, aren’t they?” MIngyu sighed, standing behind you and placing his arm lightly around your shoulder. Unlike other dates where you had felt overtly aware of any sort of body contact with your date, Mingyu’s motions felt right. His arm around you wasn’t a surprise that caused anxiousness in your stomach, but a welcomed sign of affection you didn’t know you had craved. You were unsure as to why you were feeling this way, but you weren’t going to begin to question it. You hadn’t found solace in weeks, and if being at an aquarium with Mingyu calmed you, who were you to ruin the experience for yourself? As you stood in front of building that morning, you had nearly ruled MIngyu out before he even had the chance to begin. 

“You can’t say that about yourself. I know the glass is reflective, but-” you began, speaking slowly for optimum annoyance. He pursed his lips before taking a large bite of his ice cream. 

“I could do with less sass,” Mingyu finally grumbled after swallowing. 

“Mission,” Sweaty sighed, pushing a red envelope in you and Mingyu’s direction. You sighed to yourself, suddenly being brought to an awareness you wanted to ignore. You were on a reality television dating show. 

Mingyu cautiously took the envelope from Sweaty’s hand and shoved the rest of his fish ice cream into his mouth. He chewed thoughtfully before wiping his fingers on his jeans and taking the envelope into both hands. 

“Not to jump to conclusions,” he sighed, looking at you warily. “But we’re at an aquarium. This could get bad.”

“I’m not swimming with sharks,” you said bluntly, looking to the two camera men. 

“I agree,” MIngyu nodded. “No matter how good I look in a wetsuit.”

You rolled your eyes, snatching the unopened envelope from Mingyu. You slid your finger beneath the seal and pulled the mission card out, only to have him pluck the piece of paper from your hands. 

“Under the Sea! Venture to the Deep Blue Sea Tunnel. Once there, count the number of sharks swimming above your head. Finish in three guesses and escape the penalty.”

“Mingyu...” you sighed, tilting your head. “How big is the deep blue sea tunnel?”

Mingyu groaned, looking up from the mission card and to your face. “Big.” 

“Is that the scientific measurement?” you chuckled, shaking your head. 

“What did you want me to say?” Mingyu sighed. “Millions of gallons of sea water, Y/N. So much sea water that there is no way we’re going to find all of those sharks.”

“Well at least we’re not swimming with them...” you grumbled, shuffling toward the arrows directing you to the next area. 

“Until we don’t finish in three attempts and suffer the penalty,” Mingyu groaned, taking your hand once again. “At least-”

“Yeah, yeah, you look good in a wetsuit.” 

To be continued...

PART 1 - PART 2 - PART 3 - PART 4 - PART 5 - PART 6 - PART 7 - PART 8 - PART 9 - PART 10 - PART 11 - PART 12 - PART 13 - PART 14 - Part 15 - Part 16 - Part 17 - Part 18 - Part 19 - Part 20 - Part 21 - Part 22

[tamsalvation]

I went out yesterday to seek help with my anxiety

I went out yesterday to seek help with my anxiety, as it has become too overwhelming again, and making my depression spiral. I end up in the doctors office, therapists office, psych ward every few years looking for help. I can’t breathe, I can’t calm down, I’m not hungry. I want help to breathe, I need to calm down. That my body doesn’t listen to my brain, that my body is in a constant state of panic, and it doesn’t know how to be. Any little stress, that I know I can handle, but my body over-reacts. I want control of my body. I want my body to listen to my brain, I want my body to trust my brain that it will work out and I have a plan, and it can calm down, I want my body to understand that I am safe now, and stress is normal, and it doesn’t need to protect me anymore.

 I don’t know how to calm my body down, when it has built itself up to a point, where I am so stressed, every breathe I try to take is difficult.  One therapist explained it to me that I seem to be in a constant state of fight or flight, as my symptoms, are all what your body does when it is in that state. My muscles are tense, my stomach is empty which is ideal, I always have to go pee, every two – three hours or so, the more stressed I am the more often I have to go.

  http://www.youngdiggers.com.au/fight-or-flight

 What is fight or flight response?

This is the body’s response to perceived threat or danger. During this reaction, certain hormones like adrenalin and cortisol are released, speeding the heart rate, slowing digestion, shunting blood flow to major muscle groups, and changing various other autonomic nervous functions, giving the body a burst of energy and strength. Originally named for its ability to enable us to physically fight or run away when faced with danger, it’s now activated in situations where neither response is appropriate, like in traffic or during a stressful day at work. When the perceived threat is gone, systems are designed to return to normal function via the relaxation response, but in our times of chronic stress, this often doesn’t happen enough, causing damage to the body.

The fight-or-flight response, also known as the acute stress response, refers to a psychological reaction that occurs in the presence of something that is terrifying, either mentally or physically. The fight-or-flight response was first described in the 1920s by American physiologist Walter Cannon. Cannon realised that a chain of rapidly occurring reactions inside the body help mobilise the body's resources to deal with threatening circumstances.

In response to acute stress, the body's sympathetic nervous system is activated due to the sudden release of hormones. The sympathetic nervous systems stimulates the adrenal glands triggering the release of catecholamines, which include adrenaline and noradrenaline. This results in an increase in heart rate, blood pressure and breathing rate. After the threat is gone, it takes between 20 to 60 minutes for the body to return to its pre-arousal levels.

The fight-or-flight response is also known as the acute stress response. Essentially, the response prepares the body to either fight or flee the threat. It is also important to note that the response can be triggered due to both real and imaginary threats.

This is how I live everyday and every moment of my life, for as long as I can remember, I am in a constant state of fight or flight.  I am prone to getting more aggressive when my anxiety spikes.  I have to speak up, to calm my anxiety, I have to correct what is going wrong, I have to fix it and make it better, I have to educate. I have the strength, the knowledge, the wisdom, the empathy, the understanding, the caring, to help out and make things better. I like to come up with plans, I have all these great ideas. I need the ability to communicate, respectfully, without haste or panic, irritability. I need my voice to come from the good parts of me, and not be hindered and swallowed by the panic my body is going through. I need my body to trust my mind, and not overreact.  

 Every moment of my childhood was spent being panicked, that something would happen to upset my mother, I was always on guard to make sure everything went smoothly. I am a child of abuse, and my body is stuck in fight or flight. I don’t even remember the last time I was hungry. I eat because I know I have to, to survive. When my life gets a little stressful, and my body goes into anxiety hard core, just the smell of food makes me nauseous. I have to do breathing exercises to calm my body down, so I can eat. I want to eat without needing to take deep breathes before every bite, just so I can get some food into my body. Luckily, I love liquids, I am always thirsty, I drink a lot of liquid, I can get my vitamins, minerals and proteins from drinks, but food would be nice, I miss food so much, I miss wanting food. I’m sick of living, that it is that time of day for food so I should eat something, I enjoy the taste of food, I just want my body to want and enjoy it as much as my mind does. I’m sick of only feeling hunger pains, and not the want that should come before the pain.  I’m sick of not being able to eat too much when I do eat. That if I try to eat too much, my body throws it up. I just want to be able to eat an appetizer and dinner, but my body has decided that is too much food, and my stomach is not allowed to be that full up. Needs to be in prime position for fight or flight.

   I don’t know what it’s like not to have the muscles on top of my lungs being tense. The degree to which I cannot breathe always increasing and decreasing. Even when I am happy, my body is stressed, even at home all alone in my safe place, I am still tense. When I go to the doctors, when I cannot take my bodys reaction to my stresses anymore, when I cant handle it anymore, when I start to feed the anxiety as I cant handle my stress when I get taken over by this underlying issue. I go them telling them I cant breathe, for days now, I haven’t eaten for days, Im not hungry and food smells so nauseous to me. That my muscles are so tense, its causing muscle pains. That when I do get food into me, my body is so stressed, it cannot calmly process it, and my digestive system hurts, and I get diarrhea.  I eat all the healthy foods to make me happy, and it doesn’t matter, will come out stressed. My stomach will rumble and be in pain. I just want to eat, I just want to breathe. I want my body to calm down. I want my body to listen and trust my mind, to understand stress is normal, and it doesn’t need to overreact like this.

 My mind is in a good place, overall. I have casual existential despair. The depression will always be there, suicidal thoughts. I can tell you though whenever someone asks me if I am suicidal enough, if I think of actually killing myself do, I have a plan, I always tell them, I am not on psychiatric medicine right now, and the only time when it is that serious is what those pills do to me. I can guarantee part of my plan to kill myself, is that I have to be on the pills, as they cut me off from my emotions and everything, and they would give me the strength to harm myself in that way. I have been on and off psych meds all my life. The times when I have gotten past the terrors of the first few weeks of the psych meds, and stayed on them for 3,6,9 months or so. EVERY time I have come off them, as I got to the point where I was going to do, I was going to kill myself, I couldn’t take the feeling nothing at all anymore, as the only thing worse to me, then feeling sad and overwhelmed, is feeling nothing at all, no sadness, but no more happiness either, I feel NOTHING when I am on those drugs, I am in a waking coma, I am zombie, I am not attached to me. But EVERY time, when I stayed on them, when I got to the point where it was time to do it, time to put it all in action, I choose life every time. I choose that it was the drug, and not me making this decision. EVERY time, I stopped taking them cold turkey, and guess what, no withdrawal symptoms. I refused to take another pill as I choose LIFE. I want to make this world a better place, I don’t want people to suffer anymore, I want to help.  Psychiatric meds are some of the most addictive pills out there, if you go past the time you were supposed to take them, your body starts to go through the worst withdrawals ever.  The pain everywhere, uncontrollable shaking, the headache, the stomach ache.  You have to slowly ween yourself off, they strongly do not recommend just going off them.

 I have tried just taking anxiety pills, however those were at times when I was really depressed as well. When the anxiety was gone, there was nothing to panic and worry me about the dark thoughts, and the dark thoughts just took over, I never lasted more than 3 weeks on anxiety pills, most times I only last a few days. The doctors refuse to give me one time use, anti anxiety meds, just so I can breathe for a bit, to put my depression into a better place. The anxiety meds do something to my head and it makes me really sad. I don’t need my head in a better place, I can get that there myself, It is exhausting me having to fight my body every day.  I just want to breathe, I just want to eat, I just want my body to relax.

 The doctors keep trying to treat my mind, when its my body I have lost control of. I feel like my body has betrayed me, that I have no control over it.  I have been doing breathing, and sensory exercise since I was in the single digits. My head is full of self confidence, I believe in myself so much, I don’t care about others opinions of me, that is a reflection of them and their character and not of me. I am a good, caring, intelligent, brave, strong, independent woman. I am an example and role model of this, I am a leader. I need to be able to stand confidently in my body, and not have my body betray me, and be stressed out all the time, I need to calm and relax my body. I need to convince it, that it is ok, and it can calm down now, we are safe now. You don’t need to do this to me anymore.

 I can’t live with my body being stressed like this, it is so exhausting and takes such a toll on my mental health.  When do I get to be me. I want this to end, so yes I entertain dark thoughts, however most are me trying to be me, and this wonderful person I want to be.  Just because everyday I struggle with this, as its there everyday, my will to conquer this is stronger. I just don’t want to live like this my whole life, and wonder when will the pain stop, when will my body finally calm down and let me be.

 I go to the doctors as I cant breathe, when it gets so bad, I can hyperventilate for hours. When it gets to the point when it’s a few days in a row, of 4-8 hours a day, where I am hyperventilating it is stressful. I go about my life, as I hyperventilate, as I don’t let it stop me. Sure when its triggered, it’s a full on anxiety attack, crying cant breathe, usually a rant of some kind coming out of mouth. Then I calm my mind, and I wait for my body to catch up. I go back to what I was doing, and eventually I know I will stop hyperventilating, that my breathe will slow, and go back to that tense breathing standard, instead of the hyper breathing.  I want to not overreact when stressful situations occur, I want to be able to communicate, the well thought out words I have in my head. Sometimes my body panics and it takes my head with it, but I calm myself down, as my head has no tolerance for my own BS.  I don’t talk negatively to myself. Some outside stimulus, whether people,  technology, etc something out of my control, sets me off.  And my body overreacts before I can get the words together that I needed to fix the issue. I need my body to cooperate with me. I need to calm my body down. My mind can only do so much, I have lost control of my body, and I need to gain that control back. I need it to stop being in a constant state of fight or flight.

 I am constantly tired, its exhausting. I love sleep, my body gets to rest for a bit. I don’t like how the psych meds make you drowsy, I want to feel more alive not more tired. The sleep on them is not as restful either. I have so many alarms set already as I don’t like to wake, I sleep through some, turn some off in my sleep, and eventually they start to wake me, I hit snooze for awhile then get up, on the doctors drugs, I turn all the alarms off, or just straight up sleep through them, till they turn themselves off, I am so tired on them, when I am awake, I still feel like sleep always, hence the zombie feeling. I have constant dry mouth, I’m always thirsty, I don’t want a pill that will make it worse. The pills can make you not hungry.

 I want someone to treat my body and not my mind. If my mind could convince my body it is ok, and it can calm down now, I would have already. My anxiety was so bad as a child, at 5 years old, I was diagnosed with ADHD and insomnia, and was put on ADHD meds, and sleeping pills to sleep at night.  At 5 years old I couldn’t explain, that yes it can take me awhile to fall asleep but once I am out I am out, I love sleep, and can sleep 8-12 hours or more. That I don’t generally get tired till between 12-2, and prefer to wake between 9-11 am. When I go to bed between 12-2 and was ready for bed, it will take me 30 min to an hour to fall asleep. If I go to bed, when I am not tired yet, or way too early, I take 2-3 hours to fall asleep.  When I am tired I will go to sleep. The rest of my family put a stop to the ADHD and sleeping meds when I was 6 or 7, and I learned how to hide that I wasn’t sleeping, I also learned how when I realized I was tired, after being in bed for hours, how to get myself to sleep in less than 10 minutes.

 I saw all different therapists from age 5-18, the one I started to see when I was 5, I aged out of, as only dealt with young children, after that I bounced around with therapists. Also in and out of foster homes, so saw all kinds of workers and supports, took all kinds of classes to make me better.  My mother says she had measles as a baby, and it caused brain damage, and that is what is wrong with her, she was in a few psych wards as I was growing up. There is something just not right about her, there are disconnects, she can take things in her own way, and take things very badly. She doesn’t always know what’s truth and what’s made up.  She is the only one to talk to me and explain it. My family can confirm the measles, but I don’t know if the brain damage is a story she has made up in her head, to explain to herself, why she behaves like she does. Please vaccinate, measles can be eradicated, no baby should be in the hospital for measles.

  Never once in my life, did one of my mothers doctors sit me down and talk to me about my mother. No one explained to me what was wrong and how I can help her. I took lots of classes on leadership, I went to therapists to help me deal with how I can handle my mother, and not take her personally, to help me be strong enough to survive her and take care of her.  I have been taught so well, how to build myself up and not let any one tear me down. I believe in myself, and know how amazing I am. I was my mothers primary caregiver, support, friend as a child.  I have cut contact multiple times with my mother over my life, my mother is mean, she is jealous. I always have to worry about her harsh criticism of everything. My mother doesn’t criticize my knowledge she knows I am smart, she is very proud to have raised a smart, independent, strong woman. It was very important to her when I was growing up to have strong female role models, she tried her best, she wants me to succeed in life so badly. She doesn’t like my clothing or hair choices, I don’t exercise enough, sometimes I am fat. I am underweight, the most I have ever weighed in my life is 145lbs, I am 5 foot 6, that is a healthy weight for me. I reached my height at 12 years old, for every part but that one year I put on a bit of weight, I have weighed between 100-125lbs, most of the time I sit between 110-120. I am always trying to put on weight. I am trying to get my body healthy.  

 My mother stopped working when I was 7, and that’s when it went from bad at home to worse. Work gave her migraines. She is still on disability, still has migraines, other physical pains have manifested in her body. When my mother stayed home all day, she stopped cleaning and I took over cleaning the house. When I didn’t clean something well enough, it showed and proved to her, that I didn’t love her. I would have to convince her that I do love her, I just missed that part of cleaning. I was terrified of cleaning poorly, as it would set off my mother, she would cry, and insist that I hate her, that I did it on purpose to hurt her, she would take a missed spot of cleaning personal.  I always helped my mother clean, I remember being three and cleaning the bathroom, that was the room my mother hated cleaning the most, and one of the first responsibilities I had around the house.  If I missed a hair while cleaning the bathroom, I was grounded. As I wasn’t cleaning properly, I didn’t care about cleaning I didn’t care about her, I was a liar.

 I lived through so much stress,  I just want my body to understand it is ok, we are free, we are safe, it can relax, it can calm down. My body doesn’t know how to live another way, I don’t know how to teach it how to calm down, how to trust me, that I have it, and if not, its ok, as bad things happen, and its fine we always get over it. Pretty quickly actually, we are good at that. My body doesn’t understand, it doesn’t know how to live without being under constant stress, this is how my body is now always.

 I just want to breathe, I just want to eat, I just want to relax, and have control over my body.

  Please Help me

And not another psychiatric drug, not another therapist. My issues in my head are dealt with and handled, I need help with my body, not my mind.

[ambz1234321-blog]

New year, new post

I remember the first time I realized I was more sad than I’d ever been before

It wasn’t the kind of sad when your heart gets broken and it just aches, it wasn’t the kind of sad when you lose someone close to your heart, it wasn’t the kind of sad when your feelings get hurt over something silly but you take it to heart. It was this awful, gun wrenching kind of sad that was a mixture of every other kind of sad possible. Where you were so sad it turned into a mind out of body experience where I was so lost in the sadness that it didnt seem like there was anything else in existence for a while.

I was 15. You’d think after being deathly sick 9 months prior that I’d be on a kick of loving life and appreciating another chance. It was the exact opposite, however. I went through my cloud nine moment after getting healthy again, I had soo many friends and the cool, older, hot boyfriend who helped me make soo many more friends. I was cool, skinny, pretty. I had it really good for a 15 year old girl. But 15 is a sticky age. A lot of people have a hard time for different reasons but it’s definitely an age where you broaden your horizons, some people more than others, and it isn’t always easy. Peer pressure and the pressure of high school wasn’t really what my issue was. My issue was that I reached this age where I started to realize. Realize how much of my life had been sugar coated, how i really knew nothing about anything, how the only thing that made me so cool and so popular was the fact that me, and everyone else around me, knew nothing. So when I started to realize and learn things about myself that to this day, people still don’t know i know, I realized that I wasn’t anything special, that if people knew me and where I came from, my background, they’d be a lot quicker to judge.

The first time I ever remember thinking why my family was “different” was in 7th grade when a girl asked me if it was true that i was a “test tube baby” since I didnt know my dad. I didnt know what she meant then but i was quick to tell her no.

It was weird. I always knew that I knew my dads name, that i used to see him, that he lived near Eden Drive. There was just these things I knew. Never verified for most my life, but I just knew. People asked me if I was black, spanish, why i looked nothing like my mom. I never knew the right answers but I also never cared because people always loved my tan skin and curly hair. I never cared because I was Queen Bee. I had so many friends that i couldn’t keep up. I was never alone, I was never bored. Which for an only child, I was lucky I had so many good friends around. I remember watching so many friends go through their first heartbreaks. The ones that made them think they were gonna die, never “fall in love” again. The ones that made people hurt themselves because they were so convinced that at 15, it was the end of the fucking world. Out of the blue, I found my end of the fucking world. And holy shit do i wish it was over some stupid fucking boy.

I hate to say this  is where it started but I think it did start because of a boy and a supposed “best friend”. I was the cool girl, with the hot boyfriend, and all the friends. I thought nobody would dare to betray me or backstab me. But they did. My boyfriend and best friend hooked up, he dumped me like a piece of garbage before college because what college boy dates a high school right?? I’m embarrassed that thats where it started but I also, 5/6 years later, have accepted that there’s a lot of things that contribute to why I feel the way I do. No matter how stupid or small. I spent the summer after my sophomore year in my bedroom. I was in and out of the hospital multiple times that summer. I was “dehydrated” or had a "stomach bug” twice a month. I feel stupid for lying but I was “dehydrated” because I’ve always eaten in my room so I’d throw away my food or hide it until I could throw it away. Id lay in the sun for hours without water until I felt nauseous. And then take 16 advil to make me feel better. I tried to be as discreet as possible which was stupid. But nobody caught on so I guess I did fine. I still can’t take the blue advil PM’s to this day because the first time I attempted to OD was with those because they had the most out of all the pill bottles in the cabinet. I puked for 12 hours straight and laid in my bed & on the bathroom floor in a basically acomatose state for 3 days.

I remember slowly falling asleep after taking those advil and having the song Super Rich Kids be on repeat for probably 14 hours till I started puking. I can remember that song faintly playing again and again, for what felt like years. Sometimes it would fade away and I’d swear I was dying. Other times it was blaring.

It still sends chills down my spine every time I hear it.

I tried so hard that summer. I’m still depressed and I hate that after so long I still haven’t gotten better. But then I think about all the things I never would’ve done if I had taken my life that summer.

It became a normal thing for a few months, if i wasn’t taking a bunch of pills to fall asleep, I was cutting myself anywhere I could hide it. I had a playlist on my iPhone 4s called “ill kill myself to one of these.”

The first time someone noticed the cuts on my wrist was a kid in my PreCalc and Trig class. He was friends with a lot of people I was friends with but we never really talked. He saw one day and asked if I was okay. Of course I said I was fine and he grabbed my hand and told me he was always there if I ever needed someone.

If I had a chicken nugget for every time someone has told me they were there if I needed them, Id be 700 pounds and probably happy at that point. But the one thing that was different about him, was someone noticed me for something more than the popular girl, with the big butt, and all the friends. He didn’t care about any of that and was one of the most genuine people I’ve known to this day.

Once school started up again, I felt much better. Always partying, always with friends. But there was still just something driving me crazy deep down. One friday in october, I was home for once on a weekend. And checked my Facebook to find a message from what I thought said, “Alex Lamonaco.” I froze, and looked again to see I was wrong.. It said Alexis Lamanaco. I was so damn confused and wanted to just block this person cause I thought they were fucking with me. But I decided to accept the message. Which was the click that changed so much for me.

I did not think for one second that accepting that message was gonna be opening a door to a whole new world that had been kept a secret from me for a reason.

I wasn’t an only child. (From my dads side). Not only did I find out I had a sister, but a niece on the way. I was in fact half puerto rican. My dad was a piece of shit. My dad was in jail. My dad was in jail for molesting my older sister who’s mom wasn’t as strong as mine to fight for sole custody and she told me she was happy it was her and not me.

We’ve talked on and off ever since. Ive blown her off every time I was supposed to meet her. But she has always been understanding.

My niece is 5 now. My sister is a really good single mom, she reminds me a lot of my own.

Im 19 years old and my mom still denies that she somehow made me with another man who’s half puerto rican. It drives me so crazy that she can’t tell me about our life but after what I’ve learned.. I can’t blame her one bit. I can’t blame her for drinking excessively my life. I can’t blame her for being sad most the time. I can’t blame her for anything. Especially because I’m at the age she was when she had me and I can’t even imagine having to deal with the things that woman did.

I can remember the second time I tried to kill myself like it was yesterday. It was exactly a year and three days ago, in my apartment in Laramie, Wyoming. But I am getting too drunk and crying too much to write about it so ill save that one for another time.

i write this with complete confidence and as good as it fucking feels to write this all out and look at the bigger picture, I’m bawling cause of how far I’ve let this come. I can remember exactly where this sadness started. I can’t remember every thing Ive been sad about because as this disease has taken over me, I’ve began to get sad at everything. No matter how good or bad. I’ve met so many people along the way who claim to be depressed, suicidal, or anxiety ridden. I can now see maybe why people never took me(still don’t take me) seriously about it. I was so good at faking it. I swear I can look at a person and be able to look straight through their fake happiness. But I also would never want to make that assumption because people who feel this awful, will go to such extremes to hide it and make sure nobody can see that side of them. I keep finding excuses for myself. I feel this way cause of this and cause of that.. blah, blah fucking blah. But the only real reason, is come of myself. Ive proved to myself over a handful of times that theres nobody out there who can fix this or help me fix this. But i still can’t find it within myself to help myself when I am the ONLY person who has the ability to do so. So… with that. Im gonna sleep on it.. for the almost 2000th day in a  row. night night.