#im seeing stuff like TEN YEARS repeating a month where i think someone did the math from like the vn and came up with okabe spending about

[laylanatorseventeen]

not on my watch!!!! not!! on my!!! watch!!!

[a-small-batch-of-dragons]

Not Bad

Prompts: Hihi, i have a Merlin prompt if you're interested. Merlin thinks he's a bad person bec he was taught that magic is bad, but also Bec of all the stuff he did/does to keep Arthur safe and ig throw in some touch starved!Merlin too for fun. But the knights compliment/hug/etc all the time and Merlin just doesn't understand what he's supposed to do with this, so the solution is to breakdown crying and try to convince the knights he's the bad person he sees himself as and the knights are just like "but you're wrong and he's 25 reasons why you're wrong" Plz, thx, love your writing - anon

im a fuckin sucker for soft knights & arthur w merlin so, if ur still takings reqs, i would love to see when the knights realize merlin still views himself as a "monster" like is hinted in first ep (? i thinkk, im rusty on my merlin trivia)- is it a passing comment he makes and they realize all together? knight cuddle pile? just give the poor boy some love - anon

if you'd want to write it i'd love to see the collective moment that the knights realize that merlin is self-harming in some way (in my brain this is probably in like a denial-of-things type thing that he probably doesn't even see as self-harm bc he's an idiot, could even be something like healing everyone else w magic but refusing to heal himself... idk feel free to do whatever you see fit!). i can only imagine they'd be frustrated with him and themselves but theyre just loving large idiots (': - anon

ahh yes all the prompts

Read on Ao3 Part 2

Warnings: implied/referenced self-harm in the form of intentionally depriving oneself of physical contact because THAT COUNTS

Pairings: merthur, can be platonic or romantic I don't care

Word Count: 3462

Arthur is confused, very upset, and nothing is alright anymore, thank you very much.

Because you see, despite the image that he tries to present—emphasis on the word ‘try’, there, according to his knights—he does care an awful lot about his people, especially his one particular person that happens to be able to say an awful lot without saying anything.

Merlin. He’s talking about Merlin, in case you hadn’t noticed.

The problem is that for all the man can ramble on about seemingly anything, at any time, he’s remarkably good at saying absolutely nothing about himself. He claims he’s an open book, but he’s certainly in a language that Arthur doesn’t know how to read.

He does know how to read, just to clarify. That isn’t the issue here.

No, no, the issue is that after months, years, almost a decade of Merlin by his side, watching his back, taking care of him, he’s discovered that there’s a secret that Merlin’s keeping from him. One he never intended to tell Arthur.

And before you panic, no, he’s not talking about Merlin’s magic.

Come on, it’s not like it’s not obvious, the man isn’t exactly good at hiding it. Does he seriously believe Arthur can’t see the tree branches that miraculously pick themselves up and fly at the nearest bandit or the spears that fling themselves at the foe about to behind Gwaine? Or the chores that mysteriously get done too fast for Merlin and far too efficiently? Or the way certain magical ailments seem to vanish mysteriously along with his idiot of a servant only to be greeted with a soft shrug when he pokes?

Merlin’s eyes also turn gold, that’s pretty neat.

So Merlin has magic.

Yes, we know, we had a small tantrum over the fact that he told Lancelot first, but it’s fine. Quite frankly, a lot of things make more sense now.

Except for this. Not this.

Merlin is hiding the secret that he believes he’s a bad person.

Now, Arthur’s not sure if you’ve met Merlin, but the man isn’t exactly the image of the evildoer that springs to mind when someone says ��bad person.’

The Witch Finder, now there’s a bad person. Storming into Camelot, preying on the fear of the people, bribing and threatening and drugging people, torturing them, and condemning them to death just for the sake of a few coins.

Merlin did storm into Camelot, that is true, but he decided to pick a fight with the crown prince and then save his life. He’s not here for coin—if he were, they wouldn’t have had that small, er, issue about the steward not paying him anything for his work for the past eight years, honestly—and he’s certainly not preying on anyone’s fears. Except perhaps Arthur’s fear of losing his dignity.

The look on his father’s face when Merlin dodged the pillow…

Speaking of his father…there’s another one.

His father did not prey as openly on the people’s fear—or as obviously as Aredian, but prey on them he did. He was a strong king, sometimes too strong. He was a blind king, saw the people as nothing more than subjects, not the living breathing humans they are. He remembers Morgana’s voice, saying that authority should derive from the consent of the governed, not from the threat of force.

He always wanted to see Uther’s face when his ward—when his daughter said that to him.

And what he’s done to Morgana…

Arthur grimaces and shakes his head. Perhaps the very truth that he resents the idea of thinking about what Uther did to Morgana, to him…perhaps that is enough.

Those are bad people. At least to Arthur.

Merlin, on the other hand…

Merlin came into Camelot, knowing that if it was discovered that he has magic, he would be burnt at the stake. He came, not with any aspirations of glory, simply because he trusted his mother when she told him to come to Gaius. He came and he was given a job he never asked for, one he had no idea how to do, and stayed.

Merlin learned. Slowly, perhaps, but he learned. Now he has enough knowledge on what a servant should do to break the rules in the most spectacular fashion. Arthur smiles, biting back the chuckle at seeing George dressed up like Merlin and acting perfectly proper and the urge Arthur had to throw him out of the room.

And that’s not even mentioning what he does when he’s not following Arthur around.

Merlin learned. Merlin stayed.

Not just for Gaius, but for Arthur.

Arthur leans onto his desk, staring out into the courtyard where Merlin is tending to the knights’ horses as they mount up for patrol. He watches Leon step a little closer, lowering his head to mutter something to him, watching Gwaine clap Merlin on the shoulder.

Watches Merlin flinch a little too hard.

Watches Leon’s brow furrow and Gwaine take a step back.

This. This is the problem.

Merlin believes he’s a bad person. Which is wrong, but for some reason, he does.

And because Merlin believes he’s a bad person, he believes that anytime one of the knights touches him—or anyone touches him—it will be to hurt him.

How did they come to this conclusion, you may ask?

Arthur bites back a snarl as he turns away from the window.

It had started with the complements.

Gwaine, to no one’s surprise, was quite fond of flirting with anyone and everyone that would let him, Merlin no exception. Talking about Merlin’s looks, his personality, his work ethic, anything, and everything. Merlin would flush, bright red, ears and all, mumbling to himself.

But then Percival had said something and Merlin pushed him away—well, prodded his arm, no one really moves Percival without Percival letting them—and shook his head. Percival had shrugged but the rest of them had noticed the tension in Merlin’s shoulders.

Then Elyan complemented Merlin’s tracking abilities and Merlin hadn’t even acknowledged it, instead insisting that they keep moving before it got too dark to see and they’d be forced to make camp in the woods. They’d agreed, pressing on, but noting the way that Merlin refused to say so much as thank you.

Leon’s perceptiveness should be considered magical. Seriously, Arthur’s not entirely convinced the man can’t see into people’s heads, what with the information he’s able to produce out of nothing more than the twitch of a finger or the slightest huff of breath. But he sees the way Merlin shies away from any display of affection, even as he gently repeats it, watching Merlin turn his back and get back to work.

Arthur never saw what happened with Lancelot. All he knows is that one night, out in the woods, the two of them had gone off to collect firewood and Merlin had been hiding red-rimmed eyes when he returned, a few paces ahead of Lancelot, not ten minutes later. Arthur had glared but the forlorn confusion on Lancelot’s face had given him pause.

Then it was the touching.

One would expect Merlin to be a quite tactile person, and he is. He’s all shoulder nudges and pokes and prods and gentle shoves to get people to move where he wants them to go. And it’s not like the man has much concept of personal space.

No, some of that is not Arthur’s fault, how dare you?

But when someone else tries it, Merlin tenses reflexively, already moving before their hands make contact. He gives everyone he can a wide berth, scuttling around the outside of rooms until one of them breaks and tells him to come here, Merlin, it’s alright, we won’t hurt you. His face never quite believes them.

The strangest thing is how much of it Merlin makes small adjustments for.

He always wears those god-awful tunics, that he won’t let Arthur replace with fabric that doesn’t feel like it’s a burlap sack, with the sleeves pulled all the way down and those kerchiefs tied around his neck. Arthur’s seen his sleeves rolled up before, but only when Merlin’s working and he hasn’t realized Arthur’s there yet. It’s not like Arthur doesn’t know Merlin has forearms, but Merlin will always jump and guiltily roll his sleeves down.

He doesn’t notice why until he accidentally brushes Merlin’s bare skin once and Merlin all but tears away like he’s been burned.

He doesn’t know why.

Merlin has a secret. The secret is that he believes he’s a bad person. That means he can’t accept compliments and he can’t let them touch him.

This is a problem, because Arthur would very much like for Merlin to believe that he isn’t a bad person.

This is also a problem because Arthur has no idea how to do that.

He looks up when there’s a knock on the door.

“Enter.”

“Sire?” Leon steps through. “May we come in?”

Arthur nods, his eyebrows raising as all of his knights spill into the room.

“Shall I assume you’re on the warpath again?”

“Nah,” Gwaine grumbles, throwing himself into a chair, “know this isn’t your fault.”

Leon shakes his head. “It’s Merlin, sire, we’re…concerned.”

Arthur just sighs and tells them what’s been buzzing around his head for the past…however long it’s been. The knights nod.

“He doesn’t like to be touched when he doesn’t expect it,” Lancelot offers, “but when I ask…he doesn’t seem to want to agree either.”

“But he does,” Gwaine argues, “you’ve seen the way he stares at us when we hug each other, he looks like a poor child that’s never had a hug in his life!”

“Which isn’t true.” Elyan folds his arms. “Gwen’s hugged him.”

“We’ve all hugged him.”

“But he still thinks we’re going to hurt him.”

“Well,” Arthur mutters, “we can’t exactly blame him for being paranoid, can we?”

“If you lot are going to talk about me behind my back like it’s a war council, then yeah, I reserve the right to be paranoid.”

“Merlin!”

“Thank god, where’ve you been?”

“I thought we were meeting by the stables.”

“Did you get hurt?”

Merlin raises his hands and takes a step back. “Whoa, can I get through the door first before the interrogation starts?”

“This isn’t an interrogation,” Arthur says, glaring at the knights, “we’re concerned.”

“Uh-huh,” Merlin mutters, weaving through them to the table so he can set down the thing hooked over his arm, “yes, I’m all too familiar with your concern.”

Arthur frowns. “What does that mean?”

Merlin waves a hand. “Oh, just that it’s a prelude to more chores and things to do.”

Is that…true?

“Yes.”

Did he say that out loud?

“Also yes.”

Arthur shakes his head. “Merlin, we’re not coming up with lists and lists for chores for you to do.”

“Really? With how many you all constantly give me, here I finally thought I’d cracked the code as to why.”

Leon steps forward. “We’re not coming up with things to give you, Merlin, nor are we intending to gossip behind your back.”

“So what are you doing?”

“We’re worried,” Lancelot repeats, “about you.”

“Well, I’m right as rain, no need to worry.”

“Lie.”

Merlin’s eyes go wide and he stares at Leon. The knight smiles ruefully and takes another little step forward.

“Lie,” he repeats gently, “you don’t have to lie to us, Merlin.”

Merlin’s mouth thins. “Maybe I don’t want to tell you, then.”

“Why not—“

“No,” Arthur breaks in, causing Merlin to swing his head around again, “no, if Merlin doesn’t want to tell us he doesn’t have to.”

Gwaine looks on the verge of protest, but another look from Lancelot is enough to quell him. He sinks into the chair and tosses an apple to Merlin.

“At least eat something,” he says by way of explanation, “you’ve not eaten anything since lunch.”

Merlin looks very confused—good, now he’s just like the rest of them—but bites into the apple nonetheless. His gaze travels around the room before coming to rest on Leon.

“Why are you all concerned?”

“Because you won’t let us complement you, Merlin,” Leon says softly, “you believe that every time we touch you we intend to hurt you, and you believe that this is deserved because you are a bad person.”

The flabbergasted look on Merlin’s face is almost enough to make Arthur laugh. Almost.

“How…”

“We notice things, Merlin,” Leon says patiently, “we notice you.”

Lancelot snorts. “Good going, mate, you’ll freak him out.”

“Um—there’s nothing worth noticing about me—“

“Not we all know that’s not true,” Gwaine says, and if it had been any other time it would’ve sounded like the next pick-up line at the tavern, “you’re worth noticing, Merlin.”

Merlin’s gaze darts back and forth, finding no disagreement in any faces.

“What—what were you concerned about?”

“Aside from what we just told you?”

“But I don’t—why is that a problem?”

Arthur swallows a curse. “Are you asking why we’re upset that you believe you’re a bad person and you deserve to be treated badly?”

“…yes?”

“Because you’re not a bad person,” Elyan says, “and you don’t deserve to feel like everyone’s about to hurt you.”

Gods, the look of disbelief on Merlin’s face hurts.

“You don’t know that,” he says lowly, setting the apple down, “you don’t know that.”

“Sure we do.” Elyan uncrosses his arms. “We know you, Merlin.”

“I don’t think you do.”

A look passes around the group of knights. Elyan smiles.

“I know that Gwen came home and told me she’d made a friend the first week you arrived in Camelot. I know that you’ve reminded us what family means. I know that you care, Merlin, about your friends, because they’re important to you.”

Merlin blinks in confusion.

“I know you’re a strong man,” Percival says, “and not just because you can lift the packs for the horses without complaining. But you work hard, because you know you can, and so that people don’t have to. You provide what you can because you know what it’s like to have nothing.”

“I—I—“

“I know you’re brave,” Lancelot says softly, standing, “I know you feel the same fear that we all do and you stare it straight in the face.”

He pauses, takes one step closer.

“I know you don’t chase the glory of being brave, but the feeling of being brave and using it.”

“Guys, I—“

“I know what you’ve done.”

Merlin’s face goes pale at Leon’s words.

The knight tilts his head to the side and smiles.

“I’ve been around the longest,” he says in a near whisper, “and I have seen the changes from when you arrived in Camelot until now. I’ve seen the differences, not just in the other men in this room but in Camelot.”

He lays a hand on his chest.

“I know that you’ve made me prouder to serve this kingdom than many others that have tried.”

Poor Merlin is shaking right now, his fingers trembling on the edge of the table. He looks around in confusion, terribly frightened, sending more aches through Arthur’s chest.

“You wouldn’t say that—“ he gasps— “you wouldn’t say that if you knew the truth.”

“And what truth is that?”

“That—that I—“ Merlin’s breaths start to ring in the chamber— “I—I—“

“That you have magic?”

Merlin’s head jerks around to stare at Arthur. Arthur raises his hands and takes a step closer. Merlin flinches.

“It’s alright, Merlin,” Arthur says softly, “I’m not angry. I’m not going to hurt you. You have magic, though, right?”

“Yes—yes, I—but I’ve only ever used it for—for you Arthur, I—“

“Easy,” he soothes, fighting the urge to reach out and pull him close, “I know. It’s alright.”

“No, it’s not,” Merlin all but whimpers, “it’s not okay, it’s bad, it’s bad and I’m bad, I’m bad—“

“You’re not.”

“I am!”

Merlin yanks his arms to his sides, curling them tightly around himself, much to the protest of the knights. His fingers whiten as he clutches the sides of his tunic.

“I’m bad, bad people get hurt, you don’t—you don’t touch bad people.”

“Merlin,” Arthur breaks in softly, “Merlin, sweetheart, I’m going to come over to you.”

He can hear the quickly stifled gasps and Gwaine’s ‘oh shit’ as he inches towards Merlin. The poor man doesn’t move, but the tremors get worse and worse the closer Arthur gets.

“I’m right here,” he murmurs, “I won’t hurt you, sweetheart, do you believe me? That I won’t hurt you?”

“I—I—“

“Because I won’t,” he promises, still fighting the urge to swoop the poor thing into a hug, “I’ll never hurt you, sweetheart.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’re not bad, Merlin, and you certainly don’t deserve to be hurt.”

“You don’t know that,” comes the strangled whisper, “you don’t know what I’ve done.”

“But I know you, Merlin,” Arthur murmurs, “and that’s enough.”

He can’t stop the concerned noise at Merlin’s huff of disbelief.

“It’s enough, sweetheart, it’s—hey! Easy, easy,” he soothes as Merlin’s knees buckle and he catches him before he can hit the ground, “I’ve got you, shh, shh, you’re alright.”

“Oh,” Lancelot murmurs as Merlin starts to shiver terribly, “oh, Merlin, you’re touch starved.”

“Touch starved?”

“He’s not been touched for a very long time,” Lancelot murmurs, hustling to join them on the floor, scooping Merlin’s legs into his lap, “and so he’s not used to it, but he needs it.”

“We all need touch?”

“Yes, otherwise our bodies get…unhappy.” Lancelot shakes his head. “I’m sure Gaius could explain it more. The short version is humans aren’t built to hold each other at arm’s length.”

Arthur tightens his grip on the lapful of shaking Merlin he has. There’s a cold nose buried in the crook of his neck, arms looping awkwardly around his shoulders. Distantly, he hears the scufflings of the other knights as they move closer.

“We’ve got you, sweetheart,” he fins himself whispering, “we’ve got you, we won’t hurt you, you’re safe, you’re good, we have you, it’s alright, now…”

Poor Merlin is still shuddering terribly.

“Shh, shh, easy, just try and relax, we have you…”

Since when has Merlin been this cold?

“Oh, I’m definitely hugging you every day,” Gwaine mutters, helping to prop Merlin up away from the table.

“Why—“ Merlin swallows— “why are you all so warm?”

“You’re cold,” Arthur says, “we’re helping.”

“I’m—I’m—what is it? Touch—touch—“

“Touch starved,” Lancelot offers gently, “yes, Merlin.”

“You’re helping?”

Gwaine shifts behind him. “We’re helping.”

“You’re not…mad?”

“No, Merlin, we’re not mad.”

“I’m not bad?”

Arthur tightens his grip. “Never, Merlin.”

“You—I can—I can stay?”

“Yes, Merlin,” comes the chorus of knights, “for as long as you like.”

Arthur is still upset, very confused, and more than a little overprotective right now.

But so is Merlin.

And they’re…they’re starting to figure it out.

One thing’s for sure: Arthur’s definitely pulling Merlin into bed to cuddle with him instead of getting up in the morning.

[btxtreads]

ANOTHER TAG ASHJHJASD

extra long tag game (aka a tmi that no one particularly cares for)

tagged by @txthearteu​

tagging @markhyucknorenminchenji​ @qtsoobin​ @beomberry​ @txtdiaries​ and other people who wanna do it idk

ONE

tell me the first song that made you stan your current fave group and why did your faves attract you so much?

of course, none other than king943 hSJADJSAJHAS. He’s a little secret I’ll let you all in on: the first person I actually noticed in TXT was,,,,,,, Kang Taehyun hSDHJAHJSDAHSA but he wasn’t my bias. I just thought he was cute (also amused me bc my BTS bias was Taehyung and I found a guy named Taehyun cute), but I didn’t stan them then. I started stanning when I saw ONE DREAM.TXT where they talked to BTS and found them really cute and endearing. Looking into them, they were wild, and chaotic and so fun and also i got rEAAAALLY attached to Soobin. So here I am. There u go, my stanning story.

TWO

rule: answer the ten questions and write your own!

what’s your unrealistic goal for life?

becoming a famous actress or singer hJSHADJSA

if you had known that we would be in a global pandemic, what’s one thing that you would’ve done before things shut down (if they have for you)?

Went to a theme park. I miss going to theme parks 🥺

what’s an unconventional thing that you carry around with you when you go out?

hmmm most of the time i just go out with just my phone and money unless I need to bring a bag due to safety concerns/more items needed. So I’d say nothing unconventional.

favourite type of plushies and why?

God do I seem boring hsahsajjsa but i wasn’t too big on plushies. I had a gigantic teddy bear named Justin when I was a kid (it’s a bear with shades that my brother gave me) and I used to buy plushies whenever I’m in disneyland, it’s all in my sister’s reading lounge. The only plushie in my room now is a Mollang doll wearing like a blue shirt/dress, it’s my favorite rn It’s squishyyyy

favourite song right now?

right now, it’s Work It by Sabrina Carpenter.

something that you’ve always wanted to learn?

Dancing (i literally suck. i have no idea how. no joke), Vocal Lessons (had some lessons briefly for like a year but i stopped and want to take some again), music production, acting, hosting

tell a funny story about yourself (or just something that you’ve witnessed)

ok okok so one time in our class groupchat we were talking about class elections for officers. There were muse votes and some people were saying they want me to be the muse but i didnt want to bc i was busy with work. Then they started saying that they want me to be the muse and this guy that i rejected be the escort. while this is happening, i was simping hard for soobin in another chat. anyways, i got everything mixed up and accidentally sent the soobin simp stuff to the class chat and everyone thought i was simping for the classmate i rejected i was so asHAMED.

headphones or speakers? why?

speakers! idk i just like blastic the music loud.

craving any food right now? what are you craving?

anything with cheese

which music streaming platform do you prefer? why?

spotify since its free for me askjjksad someone pays for my subscription lmaooo

😌✌️

questions from cj to me:

android or apple? why?

APPLE because im loyal 😌 and i guess im just used to it so its easier to use for me + all my gadgets at home are mac

words of affirmation or physical affection? why?

I think there should be a good balance of both. The words will have the ability to give you this sense of comfort and satisfaction and you know just overall a peace of mind when you hear the right words??? and physical affection bc sometimes it’s just better to get a hug or a kiss isntead of talking yk? actions speak louder than words sometimes

bean bag or rocking chair? why?

Honestly, this would depend. If I’m reading a book and feeling very vintage with a hot cup of coffee, definitely a rocking chair. If I’m watching TV and basically just chilling I’d go for Bean Bag. I like maintaining the atmosphere.

do you view a half-filled glass as half-full or half-empty or an in-between? why? (go as deep as you can)

I view it as in-between, because there’s always room for improvement. There’s always things to change, and consider, and make better. There’s no such thing as perfect.

If someone were to grant your wish right now, what would it be and why?

Please stop corona right now and let everyone go back to their daily lives and please let me attend a TXT concert bls im begging on my kNEES

if someone were to give you anything you want right now, what would it be and why? (something that can be held)

Give me Soobin I just want to give him a hug. this is valid i can hold him

favorite season and why

Winter! Even if I’ve never experienced snow or winter before, the whole idea of snow is just really fun and endearing to me. One of my bucketlists is to see snow in real life. I think it has to do with the fact that I’ve always been this person to prefer the cold over heat.

what made you enter tumblr?

I’ve always been here! Just not in kpop tumblr. I’ve since deleted my old accounts and shame  but i came back to write. It’s always been so stress-relieving to me, to write without any expectations on my back because I’m thinking about grades or a competition. Also Soobin simping is a daily thing and I gotta release it somewhere man

are you happy with where you are in life right now? why or why not?

Yes. I may not be the richest or the prettiest, or smartest or whatever, but I have a good family that loves me. I have good friends that support me and I have TXT and BTS to help me cope when things get overwhelming. I have a job that gives me a little bit of income (it’s not too common for college students here to get jobs like in the US, most of them just focus on acads) and all the means to continue my education amidst the pandemic. So really, I’m grateful for where I am now.

to see the boys in real life but for it to happen only once in your lifetime, or to meet the boys via online fan meeting as many times as you can in your lifetime? why?

Why do you have to do me dirty cj,,,,, prolly online. I may not get to hug them or anything but I get to talk to them still. As may times as I want to. And as a girl whose sanity literally just depends on Soobin giggles rn it’ll be very therapeutic to me to see them and talk to them as much as I could, even just through a screen.

QUESTIONS FROM ME TO YOU:

Cinema or Netflix? Why?

Fire or Rain? Why?

What’s the worst experience you’ve had as a KPOP stan?

How do you handle stress?

Favorite Disney Princess and why?

Which fictional character do you say you relate the most to?

How did you get into KPOP?

What kind of merch you got 👀

Would you date a KPOP idol? What would you do if you do date one? (doesnt have to be your bias, just wanna see what y’all would do)

Would you rather be with someone you love but doesn’t love you back or be with someone that loves yu but you don’t love them back? (Or, as the Filipinos would say, Mahal ko o Mahal Ako)

THREE

rule: bold the statements that apply to you, italicize your aspirations, then tag nine people.

AIR ༉⋆͙̈

i have small hands / i love the night sky / i watch animals and birds when i pass them by / i drink herbal tea / i wake to see the dawn / the smell of dust is comforting / i’m valued for being wise / i prefer books to music / i meditate / i find joy in learning new truths from the world around me

FIRE ༉⋆͙̈

i don’t have straight hair / i like to wear ripped jeans and overalls / i play an organized sport / i love dogs / i am not afraid of adventure / i love to talk to strangers / i always try new foods / i enjoy road trips / summer is my favorite season / my radio is always playing

WATER ༉⋆͙̈

i wear bracelets on my wrists / i love the bustle of the city / i have more than one set of piercings / i read poetry / i love the sound of a thunderstorm / i want to travel the world / i sleep past midday most days / i love simply lit dinners and fluorescent signs / i rewatch kids shows out of nostalgia / i see emotions in colors not words

EARTH ༉⋆͙̈

i wear glasses or contacts / i enjoy doing the laundry / i am a vegetarian or vegan / i have an excellent sense of time / my humor is very cheerful / i am a valued advisor to my friends / i believe in true love / i love this chill of mountain air / i’m always listening to music / i am highly trusted by the people in my life

AETHER ༉⋆͙̈

i go without makeup in my daily life / i make my own artwork / i keep on track of my tasks and time / i always know true north / i see beauty in everything / i can always smell flowers / i smile at everyone i pass by / i always fear history repeating itself / i have recovered from a mental disorder / i can love unconditionally

FOUR

PERSONAL

name: -

nickname: rina

birthday: - 

zodiac: gemini

nationality: filipino

languages: english, filipino 

gender: female

sexuality: straight

height: 5′2 like 2 years ago, i probably grew like an inch or two 

BLOG STUFF

inspiration for muse: --

meaning behind my url: bts and txt fanfics to read hasjhsahj

blog established: ,,,,, i cant remember askjjksdjkdsa but the blog is only a few months old!

followers: 384!!! love yall 

FAVORITES

favourite animals: b u n n y y y y y

favourite books: CAMP HALF BLOOD SERIES BY RICK RIORDAN IM ZEUS’ DAUGHTER YALL

favourite colour: black, blue, purple

favourite fictional characters: Percy Jackson, Jaron from Ascendance Trilogy, Chimmy!!! hihi

favourite flower: white roses

favourite scent: coffee

favourite season: winter

RANDOM

average hours of sleep: 3-5 or 8-10.

cats or dogs: dogs because cats scare me

coffee, tea or hot chocolate: coffee!!! especially if it’s iced and sweet

current time: 12:21 AM

dream trip: California. Look I have the visa, pls miss rona. just leave so cali can just let me IN

dream job: actress or singer

hobbies: writing, reading, watching crackvids

hogwarts house: gryffindor

last movie watched: Work It (bc it has sabrina carpenter ahshsahsa i have low standards when we talk about Sabrina)

last song listened to: Helpless - Hamilton OBC

no. of blankets you sleep with: 1

random fact(s): if given the chance again, I would go on a date in high school. Also try to exert more effort in my appearance back then i looked like an honest to god M E S S (tbh i still do but now i have eyebrow liner on) hsajhsajhh

FIVE

10 things I can’t stop listening to (at the moment)

Run Away - TXT

Work It - Sabrina Carpenter

Euphoria - BTS

Song Cry - Yeonjun

Helpless - Hamilton OBC

Satisfied - Hamilton OBC

Journey to the past - Anastasia OBC

Lost in the Woods - Frozen OST

Perfect Song - Sabrina Carpenter

Friends - BTS

[inkribbon796]

Rules of the Game Ch. 1

Chapter 1: Angling the Deck

Summary: With the deck stacked so unfavorably against Dark, he decides to even the playing field a little bit.

A/N: Briefly touches on Logan dealing with stuff that I will touch on more in future fics. Like PTSD from a previous fic.

Chapters: 1, 2

He’d snuck out dozens of times to hang out with his friends late at night, it was almost routine and if his mom or siblings knew then they didn’t talk about it.

So a young fifteen-year-old boy snuck out of his mother’s small house and walked out into the streets, hoodie pulled down although he doubted many of his father’s friends would’ve recognized him by sight.

Deeper into downtown Brighton he met up with some of his friends to engage in some of their usual antics: spray painting and generally pissing off the locals.

So he snuck into an alleyway next to a cafe where two of his friends were already working on something. They had climbed onto a fire escape to get higher

“Hey, Paddy, yah piece ‘a shite,” one of the other teens threw him a spray can. “Took yeh ages.”

“I got here, didn’t I?” Paddy walked over to the bag.

“While yer down there, can yah pass me a blue?” His friend asked.

“Only if yah catch,” Paddy smiled and tossed the can up, perfectly landing in his hand.

They started joking and laughing, until a shrill ringing echoed through the alley. A man in a dark grey suit stood at the mouth of the alley, all four kids froze where they were.

“Pádraig,” Dark smiled, an expression that. “I’ve heard so much about you.”

“The hell yah want?” Paddy spat at him, looking for possible weapons or an exit.

Dark smiled at the young man, “Oh no, you have it all wrong, Mr. Brody. It’s what I can do for you.”

Chase walked into the main common area for the base. The atmosphere was tense, as if he’d just missed something. Logan was sitting with Patton in the corner of the main area, chair back against the corner of the room and a small tray table next to him with a cup of coffee. Patton was just happily talking to Logan who was leaning into him and reading a book.

Logan was always awake when Chase was up, which was a problem because Chase was a known insomniac and he often found Logan tucked away reading some book with Virgil sleeping against him or working on something with dark circles under his eyes.

He didn’t think Logan was sleeping, the Sides explained that he was having nightmares whenever someone asked, and it was hard for him to go to sleep afterward. His only hope was that he would find a method to deal with them in time.

Today looked like one of those bad afternoons, the kind where Logan didn’t talk about anything and bury his attention in a book or some project.

Marvin seemed a bit too eager to leave with Seán and Chase, all three of them in plain casual clothes, even if Marvin took forever to cast an illusion over his face to cover up the scars he’d gotten years ago. But eventually Chase got into his car with Marvin and Seán and they started driving.

Normally Chase stayed away from his ex, they’d been divorced for years, almost five years now and even before then Chase and Stacy had been having issues. Chase’s alcoholism and recklessness being chief among them. Chase was only allowed visitation to his kids if there was someone else with him. Even then Chase was sadly certain that his visits were only for his sake, not anyone else’s.

But Damien and Chase had talked about their families. Dark had been vague, but Chase hadn’t. It’d been a couple days since Damien had been unmasked as a manipulative, demonic mob boss . . . and Chase had put his family in danger by buying into the illusion.

So after a call to his ex that turned into an angry argument, he was driving over to talk in person.

Chase appreciated driving, he got to focus on something else. Halfway into their trip, uneasy tension in the car that was only kept back by random pop songs on the radio, Marvin spoke up.

“I think Logan’s got a fear ‘a knives now,” Marvin commented seriously as they drove, turning down the radio a bit. “Completely understandable, but something people should be aware ‘a so we don’t set him off.”

“Somethin’ happen?” Chase asked.

“Logan was inta the book he was reading an’ I was showin’ Ethan some of my knives, an’ my hand slipped. Thin’ hit the table an’ Logan stiffened like I’d thrown it at ‘im. Ran outta the room an’ didn’t come back fer a half an hour. When he did, it was with Patt.”

“What the fook was he doing spyin’ on Dark?” Seán demanded. “He almost died.”

“We know if he’s seein’ anybody ‘bout this?” Chase asked.

“Lo’s always kinda kept ta the Sides, I probably know more ‘bout Virgil than I do ‘bout him,” Marvin admitted. “Even if he was, I doubt he’d tell us right now.”

“Think kickin’ the shit outta Dark would help?” Seán asked, texting Stacy, warning her that they were getting closer.

“It’d make me feel better,” Marvin promised.

When they finally got to her house, Stacy was already at the front door. She glared at them as they got out of the car, “He sober?”

“Dry as one ‘a yer funnel cakes,” Marvin held up the paper. “Doc couldn’t be here ta speak fer himself.”

She took the paper which was a full drug and B.A.C test, which was the reason they’d come over at mid-day and not earlier. It was full of signatures to verify it from not just Chase and the other Septics, but Mark and Logan as well. Stacy read through it before turning to Chase, “Paddy’s out wit’ his friends, if he’s not back before yah leave there’s nothing I can do.”

“Okay,” Chase said, his mind remembering the last argument he’s gotten into with his eldest son. The thing that almost cut off even talking to his kids after the mess with Anti.

“First off, what were yah thinking?” She spat at Chase, starting to argue with him outside her house.

“I thought he was my friend,” Chase defended.

“Hey, look, he got all ‘a us, an’ who knows what other identities he was able ta get?” Seán cut in. “We all thought he was on level. We all fooked up, I was the one who told Chase ta help watch that asshole.”

“You guys don’t get ta let him off the hook either,” Stacy reminded. “This isn’t the first time he’s put his own bloody kids at risk. It was fine when it was the two of us, but yah folks weren’t here when he was drunk and blathering on ta everyone who would listen.”

“I wasn’t drunk when I was talking ta him,” Chase insisted.

“You’re not drunk now,” Stacy held up the paper. “But you’ve lied and been fucked on the job.”

“I’ve been sober for months!” Chase insisted.

“We have him tested regularly,” Marvin cut in, pulling out his phone and pulling up the record of test results that Henrik had given him access to. “The brainiacs keep a full digital record ‘a it, the only thin’ he’s got in his system is caffeine an’ nicotine. An’ you can’t blame the guy fer switchin’ one fer the other.”

“Fine,” Stacy allowed, turning to the front door. “Come in then.”

The instant they were inside, Marvin was tackled by Chase and Stacy’s two ten-year-old twins.

“Magic Man!” They cheered as they pulled on his coat.

The girl twin jumped up excitedly, two fistfuls of Marvin’s coat, “Show us a trick!”

“I wanna see a magic trick!” The boy twin repeated, pulling on the other side of his coat. Marvin smiled and summoned three small orbs of green fire and started moving them around and doing tricks with them.

He smiled at the other adults, “I’ve got the kiddos.”

“Don’t burn my house down,” Stacy ordered.

The boy’s eyes seem to glow in excitement, looking over at Marvin and the fireballs he had. “Give ‘em to me.”

“Not on yer life,” Marvin smiled at him.

“Hey Lills, hey Tee,” Chase smiled.

“Hey Daddy,” Lily smiled back at him.

“Tell Marvin ta give me the fire,” T.B demanded.

“No,” Chase already had this look of resigned exasperation as he looked at Stacy, “How do yeh manage?”

“I don’t give ‘em fire ta play wit’ and that usually works,” Stacy reminded sharply.

Marvin was left with the kids, showing them magic tricks — some with actual magic and others with just some slight of hand — as Seán and Chase went into the kitchen to talk.

The talk was a bit hostile as Chase explained the whole situation, but it calmed down after a while. They were just standing around talking. After a while they agree that Marvin would ward the house, and she’d call Chase or Seán if anything changed.

After that point, Stacy looked a bit uneasy, “So, I wasn’t gonna mention it, but yah guys seem actually serious ‘bout this.”

“We are,” Chase agreed. “I am.”

“So Paddy always sneaking off every night, and usually it’s not that big a deal since I know the boys, but he’s been coming home busted up sometimes and other times he doesn’t come back till after school the next day.”

“Yah know where he’s been goin’?” Chase asked.

“Which excuse yah want?” Stacy offered. “At this point I’ve heard ‘em all and then some. He even joked he’d joined a gang ta get me to drop the subject.”

“Has he?” Seán asked in concern. “There’s lots’a bad groups in the area.”

“I don’t know if his friends formed a gang or what, but I know it’s something dangerous because he came home with a busted finger, and said he sprained it.”

“How long has this been goin’ on?” Chase asked.

“Bout a week, I’d reckon,” Stacy admitted.

“Mind if we follow the kid fer a bit,” Seán offered. “If it’s just a bunch of kids taggin’ a wall or pushing some cars, we’ll just slap ‘em on the wrist an’ send ‘em home. If not, then we’ll see what we can do from there.”

“If yah boys are already going out,” Stacy agreed.

“Right, I’ll get Marv started,” Seán stood up. “Hey, Catboy an’ his Magic Hands, we got a job.”

When Seán walked back into the living room, Marvin had the two twins around him, one had his cape and Lily had her hand in one of his magical top hats.

“I think I got it,” Lily smiled and pulled out a very confused and angry American opossum from the hat. Marvin startled in surprise. “I got it!”

The opossum hissed and wiggled in her grip. Marvin drove and shoved the marsupial back into the hat and took it away from her. “Good job,” he smiled nervously. “Well, I gotta get back to work.”

“No!” The both yelled at Marvin.

“I’ll be back, just need ta check something an’ I can do one more magic act,” Marvin promised and Chase knocked on Paddy’s door. Seán was walking around the house with Stacy to check for anything suspicious.

“So,” Marvin started as they walked into the room. “Yeh want the good news, the bad news, or the funny news?”

“Good,” Chase sighed, walking over to Paddy’s closet and quickly looking for anything out of place. Like bullet holes in one of the shirts or a strangely immaculate 1,000 dollar suit that a fifteen-year-old who ran around town at night and wrote graffiti had no reason to own . . . unless he worked for Dark.

“So Lills is definitely gonna be a powerful magician one day, if she isn’t already, she’s got way more potential than any kid I’ve seen in years,” Marvin praised confidently as Chase tried to disturb the least amount of things possible, looking under his son’s bed as Marvin continued. “I mean who summons a demon rat from a hat instead ‘a rabbit?”

“Pretty sure opossums aren’t rats,” Chase reminded.

“Hey, I didn’t go to school for biology so I could use it,” Marvin huffed. “I got it so I could pervert the laws ‘a nature.”

“Yeah, no need ta remind me,” Chase muttered under his breath as he stood up.

“What was that?” Marvin glared at him.

“Nothin’,” Chase told him sharply. “Kay, his room’s clean.”

“What should I use?” Marvin shrugged.

Chase reached into the laundry basket and pulled out a dark red hoodie at the bottom of, tossing it to the magician. Then Chase grabbed the entire laundry basket and dragged out of the room and towards the laundry room. “So what’s the bad news?”

“Anti wasn’t blowing smoke up yer ass, she’s powerful an’ she needs direction,” Marvin said.

“No,” Chase denied, setting the basket down a little harder than necessary. “Even if it was up ta me, Stacy is gonna say no.”

“It’s either us or the villains,” Marvin reminded. “An’ I’m sick and tired of them having a stranglehold over this whole place. We made a huge strike against Dark, an’ now we gotta focus on Anti.”

Chase wiped his hands down his face, “Just, ask Stacy, I can’t say yes or no either way.”

“Fine,” Marvin snapped. “She’ll say no, but fine.”

“What was the funny news?” Chase tried to change the conversation.

“Tee’s got a new nickname,” Marvin answered. “Paddy an’ his friends gave it ta him.”

Chase held his breath a little bit, “What is it?”

“Toss Boy,” Marvin smiled.

“Why—” Chase started, but he paused. “Yah know, it’s not as bad as the last one.”

“Paddy competes with Roman fer givin’ the best nicknames,” Marvin smiled.

The three Septics eventually had to leave, Paddy still gone and Stacy agreeing to call if he showed back up while Marvin and the two other two Septics went back to the base with Chase’s son’s hoodie to start a tracking spell, Marvin more than a bit salty that Stacy had denied him taking Lily under his wing as an apprentice. But he was joking around while he worked.

“Here we go,” Marvin had Paddy’s hoodie in one had and a large needle in the other.

“We need anythin’ else?” Seán was already back in his Jackieboy costume.

“An apprentice,” Marvin reminded.

“No,” Chase told as Chase and Jackie began following the magician out into the city to find Paddy.

Marvin huffed and they started following Paddy’s trail.

[avvidstarion]

For the album ask game... how about The Black Parade?

oh ABSOLUTELY. i LOVE you. this is all subject to change at the drop of the hat bc im wishy-washy and i love all of these songs anyway so

this got WAY too long so i am putting it under a readmore shhvkldlkdgjlkdsj

not including b-sides:

1. Teenagers- kind of a basic pick i know, BUT, in my defense, the song slaps. it’s such a fun song, especially when you’re singing it at the top of your lungs. the guitar part is super cool too- im trying to learn it rn but it’s a slow process bc im bad at guitar.

2. Mama- what can i say. it fucks. the old time-y feel, the harmonies/background vocals, the layers. the guitar goes so fucking hard. banging lyrics- “you should’ve raised a baby girl, i should have been a better son”??????? songs to be trans to.”but the shit that i’ve done with this fuck of a gun” is the kind of lyric that you can only properly convey if you’re screaming it at the top of your lungs. the whole ending is just. mind blowing

3. The End.- LISTEN!!!!!!!!! the end is WAY TOO FUCKING UNDERRATED!!!! oh my goddd i love it so much. i love it SO much. it’s such a perfect beginning to the song. the lyrics are great (”now come one, come all, to this tragic affair” if you look in the mirror and don’t like what you see, you can find out first hand what it’s like to be me”, “another contusion, my funeral jag. here’s my resignation, i’ll serve it in drag. you’ve got front row seats to the penitence ball, when i grow up, i want to be NOTHING AT ALL!!! SAVE ME!!! GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!!! SAVE ME!!! TOO YOUNG TO DIE, AND MY DEAR!!! IF YOU CAN HEAR ME JUST WALK AWAY AND TAKE ME!!). the bit with the snapping and the ooooohs is fun too. such a good song, it could honestly be 1 or 2 but my ranking system isnt based in logic and makes no sense to even myself

4. House of Wolves- house of wolves was my favorite mcr song for a good chunk of time, but as a result i’m kinda burned out on it, which is why it isn’t higher.  however it is still number four  because it’s objectively a fucking amazing song. the guitar is so fuckin fun, the lyrics are great, and it’s just. fun to dance around and sing it at the top of your lungs. you better run like the devil cause they’re never gonna leave you alone!!!!! tell me i’m a bad, bad, bad, bad man!!!

5. Welcome to the Black Parade- the big man itself. the titular song. their biggest hit. a lot of people shit on wttbp for being popular and, like, pretty much the only song of theirs to ever be on the radio anymore (and even then it’s once in a blue moon), BUT. it got popular for a reason. it’s a really good song. i love the structure of it, i love how it builds and builds and builds. the lyrics are wonderfully done- “a world that sent you reelin from decimated dreams/ your misery and hate will kill us all”, the whole “do or die, you’ll never make me” stanza is The Ultimate rallying cry. and the “im just a man, i’m not a hero” is just. ughghghdlkslakdjglsdkg. the titular song of an album entirely about death and dying and misery being SO hopeful and SO upbeat really portrays the album as a whole much differently- mcr is known as The Emo Band because, yeah, their aesthetic is dark and their songs touch dark stuff but they have never been all whiney and boo-hoo-y and melancholic for the sake of melancholy. there’s always been a positive note to their music and a lot of people just don’t get that which makes me sad. anyway. wttbp is fun and i like it and i like the drums and the trumpets at the end. marching bands fuck

6. Blood- ok so the pattern here seems to be that i favor the fun songs over the slow ones, and blood sticks with that. much like with mama, i love the old time-y feel. i love that this is like a fun little bonus ditty to end the album on. the lyrics are silly and fun and jovial, and the piano is great. love it and it makes me happy

7. Disenchanted- OUGHH. OUUUUUGH. i know cancer is objectively the saddest song on the album, but disenchanted just hits different. “when the lights all went out, we watched our lives on the screen/ i hate the ending myself, but it started with an alright scene” just DECIMATES me, man. the acoustic guitar is a nice change of pace, and the vocal performance is just. so fucking emotional. especially the “woahhhhhhhh-ohs” at the end. great song, makes me Feel Emotions

8. The Sharpest Lives- ok so i know this is pretty much in the middle of the list, but i want to stress that i dont hate any of the songs on this album, so even the middle of the list is pretty fuckin good imo. the sharpest lives makes me go batshit.  the lyrics are so fucking wild. “a light to burn all the empires, so bright the sun is ashamed to rise and be” is SO fuckin sick like OH my god. what a line. also “there’s a place in the dark where the animals go/ you can take off your skin in the cannibal glow/ juliet loves the beat and the lust it commands/ drop the dagger and lather the blood on your hands, romeo” like WHAT?????????????? GERARD POPPED OFF W THIS ONE FOLKS!! also i love how at the beginning the whisper-y vocals bounce from ear to ear. also “so why don’t you blow me......a kiss before she goes” is fuckin hilarious. honestly this song should be higher but i havent gone through a phase where i’ve been obsessed w it yet so it stays down here for now. one day it will take hold and be all i can listen to for a month straight and THEN it will climb the ranks. 

9. Cancer- makes me cry like a liddol baby. my mom doesnt let it play in the car cause it makes her too sad. twenty one pilots covered it and it was FUCKING AWFUL so the song is kinda ruined now cause i can only think about their shitty cover. like the AUDACITY. but anyway besides that the song is heart wrenching and amazing. the hardest part of this is leavin you!!!!

10. Dead!- look, i know technically the end. and dead! are the same song/ are just continuations of each other but i’m listing them separately bc dead! is, to me, the worse of the two. not that it’s bad or anything, it just doesn’t pop off the same way the end. and all the songs before it on the list do. however i do love the guitar at the beginning and the solo, and the “one! two! one two three four! LA LA LA LAs” are super fucking fun. 

11. Famous Last Words- i used to hate this song!!!! i truly did!! it’s obvs not on the top of my list now or anything, but i have grown to appreciate it a lot more than i used to. like with wttbp, it is the silver lining of the album that betrays its optimistic side. it’s a happy final message to a dark album. the ending is fucking amazing. I am not afraid to keep on living!!!! i am not afraid to walk this world alone!!!!!!

12. Sleep- Sleep is, unfortunately, just kinda boring in comparison. i almost forgot to even put it on the list. however, i do like the “the hardest part’s the awful things that i’ve seen” and the “a drink, for the horrors that i’m in. for the good guys and the bad guys, for the monsters that i’ve been” lines. also the “three cheers for tyranny, unapologetic apathy!” line. but overall it’s just. eh

13. This is How I Disappear- i have. complicated feelings on tihid. on one hand, it reminds me of my favorite oc, re, and is on their playlist. on the other hand, i have grown bored with it over time. it just doesn’t stand out to me at all really. that being said, i do really like the “who walks among the famous living dead” and the “can you hear me cry out to you” stanzas. 

14. I Don’t Love You- while i dont think idly is a bad song at all, it just simply isnt my kind of song. i do think gerard’s vocals are extremely strong throughout, especially during the “when you go, would you have the guts to say/ i don’t love you like i loved you yesterday” line. like wow ok maam please continue. but overall i just dont vibe w breakup songs bc i cant relate

including b sides: 1. Heaven Help Us

2. Kill All Your Friends

3. Everything else

4. My  Way Home is Through You

my reasoning: 

heaven help us is tied for my favorite mcr song Of All Time. everything about this song is catnip for lil old me. the angsty christian imagery, the vocals, the guitar. all of it. the lyrics make me lose my mind, especially the “will you pray for me? or make a saint of me? and will you lay for me? or make a saint of- cause i’ll give you all the nails you need/cover me in gasoline/ wipe away those tears of blood again/ and the punchline to the joke is asking ‘SOMEONE SAVE US’” and the “you don’t know a thing about my sins/ or the misery begins/ you don’t know, so i’m burnin! I’m burnin!!!” parts. like i absolutely vibe with this song so fucking hard. i sing it constantly, it’s great to sing (very stimmy for me), it sounds beautiful. i am obsessed with it through and through

similarly, kill all your friends also speaks to my very soul. i can’t pick favorite lyrics bc id just have to copy and paste the whole song. i love the build-up, i love the time progression throughout the song (it’s been TEN FUCKING YEARS since i’ve been seein your faaaaaace rounnnnnd heeeere), i love the “you’ll never take me alives”. literally everything about this song makes me emo. it just Gets Me. it’s literally about my greatest fear. all my friends growing up and moving away and getting on with their lives without me, leaving me to rot in my hometown waiting for them to return. we only see each other at weddings and funerals, so it’s time to kill all your friends so we can party when the funeral ends!! it’s probably tied with heaven help us, but i’m putting it at number two just because it didn’t hook me as strongly as hhu did. it’s more of a strong, steady favorite than a “this song has latched on to my very soul and i have to listen to it on repeat over and over and over again”, if that makes sense. it’s still in my top 5 mcr songs though

i never vibed with my way home is through you. i don’t listen to it often, and i just don’t really feel it. it’s not bad, it’s just. eh.

anyway if you’ve read this far down i love you so much. thank you for listening to me ramble, mcr means a lot and i love to infodump about my music tastes. i really really appreciate being given an opportunity to do so <3

[laracroftsleatherjacket]

Flower Asks: all of them >:3€ (forgive me)

(this is so many omg but I’ll allow it only bc i love u)

Alisons: Sexuality? 

     Gay af (ace lesbean)

Amaranth: Pronouns/Gender?

     Waman (she/they)

Amaryllis: Birthday?

     November 2nd

Anemone: Favorite flower?

     Funnily enough anemones are one of my favs but i think my top favs are chrysanthemums and morning glories but I really love many flowers and flowers in general

Angelonia: Favorite t.v. show?

     As of right now, stranger things duh

Arum-Lily: What’s the farthest you’d go for a stranger?

     Like favors or? I mean I really do try to be a kind and helpful person but if I don’t know somebody or haven’t at least seen them a couple times before I usually don’t do much bc of anxiety 

Aster: What’s one of your favorite quotes?

     "The extraordinary is in what we do, not who we are.” Lara Croft mostly bc I cant think of anything else right now and that stuck with me

Aubrieta: Favorite drink?

     Like a really good cup of black tea with cream and sugar or sweet tea

Baby’s Breath: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

     Never been kissed before but I definitely have someone in mind I would kiss ;3

Balsam Fir: Have you ever been in love?

     Hell yeah I am right now and I don’t think I ever have been before now

Baneberries: Favorite song?

     Oh hard question... currently really digging We Fell In Love in October by Girl in Red 

Basket of Gold: Describe your family.

     My family is supportive (for the most part) and very loving, even if they express love in weird ways sometimes. We also like to joke around a lot and make fun of each other but in a good way? Like we all have a good time mostly and I get along better with everyone since I started college

Beebalm: Do you have a best friend? Who is it?

     My girlfriend is my best friend uwu I also have a lot of good friends but yeah

Begonia: Favorite color?

     Purble but specifically like a pastel purple and purples that lean more towards blue than pink

Bellflower: Favorite animal?

     Lynx! I love so many animals tho and I also like many cats and domestic cats in general

Bergenia: Are you a morning or night person?

     Night!

Black-Eyed Susan: If you could be any animal for a day, what would it be?

     Probably would love to just be a loved house cat who gets to lay in front of the fire all day or a lynx bc i love them

Bloodroots: When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

     A veterinarian (or a special agent lmao)! I also still plan on being a vet tho even tho I get discouraged at least once a month 

Bluemink: What are your thoughts on children?

     I mean I like kids and I was a camp counselor for a summer, but I dont really want any of my own

Blazing Stars: What are you afraid of? Is there a reason why?

     Oh god so many things.. Biggest thing would maybe be death/dying? Like if i think about it too much like the possibility of there just being nothing after death freaks me out. That and throwing up/nausea 

Borage: Give a random fact about your childhood.

     I played soccer and then I was a competitive swimmer so i was kind of an athlete? even tho i hated sports

Bugleherb: How would you spend your last day on Earth?  

     I think I would like to go to waffle house, have the perfect cup of tea, spend lots of time with my loved ones and pet my kitties, play video games with my gf, and sit under a tree in the mountains preferably on a warmer day in the fall and watch the sunset 

Buttercup: Relationship Status?

     Very happily taken

Camelia: If you could visit anywhere, where would you want to go?

     Always wanted to visit Norway

Candytufts: When do you feel most loved?

      Really big long hugs, good morning or goodnight messages, and I also really love cards 

Canna: Do you have any tattoos?  

     I have 6 

Canterbury Bells: Do you have any piercings?

     Yup! I have an industrial, orbital, and 3 earlobe piercings   

California Poppy: Height?  

     5′2 or maybe a little less

Cardinal Flower: Do you believe in ghosts?

     Yeah I think so, but I do also get freaked out easily lmao

Carnation: What are you currently wearing? 

     Red flannel, jeans, fuzzy socks, and big dyke boots  

Catnip: Have you ever slept with a nightlight?

     Yeah I did for a long time and I still sometimes sleep with one or like a bathroom light on if Im sleeping by myself in a new place

Chives: Who was the last person you hugged?  

     Either my mom or my dad I dont remember technically who was last bc my parents are visiting me at college

Chrysanthemum: Who’s the last person you kissed?

     Again, never kissed or been kissed! but maybe soon... :0

Cock’s Comb: Favorite font?

     Font? I like the font in Night in the Woods?

Columbine: Are you tired?

     Pretty much always either sleepy or tired lol

Common Boneset: What are you looking forward to?

     Christmas, getting to see my gf again, and Magfest!

Coneflower: Dream job?

     Like a veterinarian but having my own practice and also being able to take in injured wildlife if possible

Crane’s-Bill: Introvert or extrovert?

     Introvert for sure

Crocus: Have you ever been in love?

     Oh repeat question, hell yes

Crown Imperial: What’s the farthest you would go for someone you care about?

     Depends what it is but I would go pretty far for somebody I care about and Im also a crazy person and would drive/travel no matter what distance for someone I love

Cyclamen: Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a child? What was it?

     Yup! I had a ballerina bunny, named Bunny because I was very creative and I still have her

Daffodil: What’s your zodiac sign?

     Scorpio

Dahlia: Have you done anything worth remembering?

     I think so? I did a lot of cool stuff with my GS troop like our bronze award project and going ziplining and to sliding rock. 

Daisy: What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment?

     My GS gold award for sure, that shit was hard work and stressful af

Daylily: What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner(s)?  

     Umm??? I would tell my dad to eat shit and die and I cant imagine my mom being anything but sweet and supportive so I dont even know

Dendrobium: Who is the last person that you said “I love you” to?

     You! This morning uwu

False Goat’s Beard: What is something you are good at?

     uhh Im pretty good at making sense of stuff in my science labs and reasoning and im sometimes good at art? I feel like I do traditional better but Im getting better at digital

Foxgloves: What’s something you’re bad at?

     bad at not being impulsive sometimes and bad at dead by daylight 

Freesia: What are three good things that have happened in the past month?

     a little over a month but officially got a girlfriend who i love very much, my gf came down to visit and we got to chill on the mountains together, and I had a pretty nice birthday 

Garden Cosmos: How was your day today?

     Good! Got breakfast at a diner with my parents and got coffee and a donut at my fav coffee shop so thats all i really need in life tbh 

Gardenia: Are you happy with where you’re at in your life?

     Yeah Im happy even tho Im stressed with school at times 

Gladiolus: What is something you hope to do in the next year or two?

     Get a job after graduation and hopefully get into vet school on the first or second try

Glory-of-the-Snow: What are ten things that make you happy/you’re grateful to have in your life?

     My kitty, mom, wonderful gf, sister, dead by daylight, heated blanket, apartment, waffle house, my sisters kitty, and my dog

Heliotropium: What helps you calm down when you feel stressed?  

     Donuts, coffee or tea, blankets, video games, and loud music

Hellebore: How do you show affection?

     Hmm... I really like to draw art for those i love, tell them how much i love them even though i can be bad with words, and i just try to spend a lot of time with the people I care about no matter what we are doing

Hoary Stock: What are you proudest of?

     uhhh trying to open up more? and Im really proud of my gf 

Hollyhock: Describe your ideal day.

     Going to waffle house. Go to a mountain and hike a little, sit on the top with girlfriend. Admire beauty of mountain countryside. Admire beauty of girlfriend while they admire the beauty of the mountain. Then warm up together with hot chocolate and play video games

Hyacinth: What do you like to do in your free time?  

     I like to doodle and do the arts, play video games, and I like to bake sometimes

Hydrangea: How long have you known your best friend? How did you meet them?

     uuuuuuh I have a good friend I’ve known since kindergarten or first grade when I first moved to where I currently live

Irises: Who can you talk to about (almost) everything?

     My gf uwu and my mem

Laceleaf: How many friends do you have?

     probably like less than 10 

Lantanas: What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

     I think its really cute especially when you compliment my laugh

Larkspur: What do you think of yourself?

     ??? I think I am an okay person? And I try to be a good person and be kind and polite to people

Lavender: What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

     Umm... I mean I like that Im kind? and Im not fake and I try to be a good person     

Leather Flower: What’s your least favorite thing about yourself?  

      I hate that I procrastinate and that I can get frustrated easily at myself and at situations like crowds and traffic

Lilac: What’s something you liked to do as a child?

     I liked to play ‘restaurant’ with my sister with our littlest pet shops

Lily: Who was your best friend when you were a kid?

     I had a really great best friend named Rachel :c

Lily of the Incas: What is something you still feel guilty for?

     Losing a lot of friends and for being distant for a long time 

Lily of the Nile: What is something you feel guilty for that you shouldn’t feel guilty about?  

     Cutting off a friend that was bad for my mental health and who didnt treat me well even though we were best friends for a long time 

Lupine: What does your name mean? Why is that your name?

     My name is literally my parents ship name... like they even told me they chose my name by putting their names together lmao but I mean I like my name so i guess its okay..

Marigold: Where did you grow up? Tell us about it.

     Small town in new jersey when I was really, it was nice and family was closer. Then we moved and that was difficult but I ended up adjusting and it was good, had a decent amount of friends and the schools i went to were good

Morning Glory: What was your bedroom like growing up?

     For a long time I shared a room with my sister and we had a bunkbed and I had the top bunk of course, when we moved out of the apartment and into a house I got my own room and it was baby blue only because I told my dad that no, I didnt want a fuckin pink room and that was a whole thing lmao

Mugworts: What was it like for you as a teenager? Did you enjoy your teenage years?  

    It was good? but also sucked a lot. I had a lot of issues with my mental health and struggled for a long while with something. I was bullied and stuff at home wasnt always that great. And i got outed so that was fun. Other than that I enjoyed swimming competitively and I got into art

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom.

I love my mom!! she is the most Mom mom and is so sweet and always there for me. She helps me out so much with so many things and I just love my mom so much

Onions: Tell about your dad.  

     I mean I love my dad? And hes better than he used to be, but he still doesnt help with shit and irritates me a lot. 

Orchid: Tell about your grandparents.

     I never got to know my grandfather on my moms side bc he passed away a few months before i was born and I sort of knew my grandmother but she lived far away and passed away 10 years ago. I usually see my gramma on my dads side the most and I try to visit often and help her out with stuff and I love her even though she can be a bit... racist and shit.. and I sometimes see my grandpa and step grandma but they can be strict about weird shit and always ask a lot of uncomfortable questions

Pansy: What was your most memorable birthday? What made it be so memorable?

     I dont really do much on my birthdays? Ive had a lot of nice birthdays and it usually involves going out to dinner or having a nice dinner at home and having birthday cake and playing games like jenga or yahtzee.

Peony: What was your first job?

     I did some petsitting for a while but my first real job was being a camp counselor/tower belayer/lifeguard at a girl scout camp

Petunia: If you’re in a relationship, how did you meet your partner(s)?

     Met online after following them for a long time and drawing some arts for them, but didnt really start chatting until stranger things 3 came out bc I saw they had just watched it. Didnt meet irl until fursonacon and I just remember seeing them walking up to my car when I got there and just being like .... oh no.  I had already had a crush but at that point I was just heart eyes      

Pincushion: How do you deal with pain?

     Its a little fucked up but depending on the type of physical pain I like it? Like getting tattoos and stuff.. emotional/mental I just curl up in blankets and listen to sad music lol

Pink: Where is home?

    I feel like I have many homes? I feel really at home in the mountains, at home with my family, and when Im with my girlfriend

Plantain Lilies: If you could go back in time, what is one thing you would stop/change?

     Every event no matter how shitty shaped me into who i am today and Im pretty content and lucky with what I have today so maybe nothing?

Prairie Gentian: Who is someone you look up to? Describe them.

     My GS leader Miss Kristin. So incredibly kind and outgoing and just willing to do whatever she can to help others. Shes so adventurous and outgoing and made my gs troop so amazing. She is such a wonderful lady and shes basically like another mom to me.

Primrose: Describe your ideal life.

     To be with my SO in a nice cabin in the mountains with a nice fireplace. Its cozy and we have pets (especially kitties but also maybe a dog and chickens and such) and life is okay and we’re happy

Rhodendron: What is something you used to believe in as a child?

     God and Santa Claus (i was so heartbroken (over santa not God lmao))

Ricinus: Who’s the most important in your life?

     My girlfriend and my mom

Rose: What’s your favorite sound?

    My gfs voice and their laugh c: and I also really like the sound of thunderstorms and rain

Rosemallows: What’s your favorite memory?

Sage: What’s your least favorite memory?

Snapdragon: At this moment, what do you want?  

     To see my gf again and for winter break to just be here already I am so done with school lol

St. John’s Wort: Is it easy or difficult for you to express how you feel about things?

     Difficult? I try really hard to express how I feel but I usually mess up and I get anxious but I try my best lol

Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine life without?

     Any of my loved ones and my cat 

Sweet Pea: How much sleep did you get last night?

     I wish I got more sleep but it was an okay amount

Tickseed: What’s your main reason to get up every morning?

     Good morning texts from my gf and my gf in general

Touch-Me-Not: How do you feel about your current job?

      I dont currently have a job but I occasionally do art commissions which is usually fun and gives me something to do 

Transvaal Daisy: What’s your favorite item of clothing?

     Any of my flannels and my leather jacket (also not mine but my gfs hoodie they gave to me to borrow)

Tropical White Morning Glory: Describe your aesthetic. 

     mountains, cabins, flowers, fall, flannel, small coffee shops, pastels 

Tulip: What would be the best present to get you?

     Im not one to be picky about gifts? I just love anything that someone put some thought into and thought I would like or reminded them of me but i feel bad if it was something expensive or anything lol

Vervain: What’s stressing you out most right now?

     Final exams and graduation

Wisteria: How many books have you read in the past few months? What were they called?

     0 lmao I used to read a shit ton but Ive been picky about what books I want to read lately 

Wolf’s Bane: Where do you want to be in life this time next year?

    Working towards applying to vet school and maybe thinking about moving out depending on a lot of things.

Yarrow: Do you know what vore is?

     Unfortunately

Zinnia: Give a random fact about yourself.

     I like collecting pins, pennies, and postcards which is funny to me

(So in conclusion,,, I love my gf)

(wow that was long as hell and took forever but done!)

[chiwoopsie]

That tag where I answer 10 questions and ask 10 more :)

tagged by the great @s-lay-ing (I couldn’t not answer your questions hehe thank you thank you!)

i wanna get to know some new peeps so i’ll tag​ @scoupsadaisy @yayayaimma @bbaksu @sebongteen-trash (only if you want to ofc!)

My 10 Questions For You

top 3 songs you would recommend to a non-kpopper

What is your 2019 resolution, if you have any?

Last thing you ate?

Song/MV that got you into the kpop

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go and with who?

Favorite thing to do when you have a day off

What would you give your bias(es) for Christmas?

You won the lottery! Who would be the first person you tell?

Sweet or savory?

If you saw your favorite group on the street, what would you do?

1. Is there something you would change about t*mblr?

WHAT A WELL TIMED QUESTION but i’m going with my pre-community guidelines answer to make this short >> i’m agreeing with cloud about letting sideblogs send asks bc why isn’t that a thing?? and just the whole mobile app in general lol..like why can’t i see my tags in some of my posts and why can i never post things without running into an error message on there :// OH YEAH and can it not delete my links when i edit my description on mobile? thanks 

2. Your parents/siblings/very close friends get offered a tour around europe with no cost for a month or so and they ask you to come w/ them. Considering your current status, what would you do? 

Well I’m graduating uni in a couple months so if we could go then, I would be very down! But I would also probably feel the anxiety of needing a job and financial stability throughout the whole trip rip Also I don’t think I could travel w/ my parents rn bc we did go to europe for a while this summer and although I love my them a lot, I would rather travel with my sister or my friends for the time being :)

3. Your fam/dorm decides to do a garage sale. Within a quick look into your room, what would you give up for sale?

My college textbooks

4. In your personal opinion (aka not based on the trend or whatever), name artist of the year, song of the year, video of the year, album of the year.

Artist of the Year- MONSTA X 

MX IS HAVING THEIR M O M E N T RIGHT NOW  and korea needs to pay attention! LIKE THEY RELEASED THREE (2 KOREAN, 1 JAPANESE) ALBUMS THAT ARE A++ WITH BOMBASS MVS/TITLE TRACKS, PROMOTING THEMSELVES LITERALLY EVERYWHERE WITH THE WORLD TOUR AND NOW JINGLE BALL AND ARE DOING IT WITH SO MUCH ENTHUSIASM EVEN THOUGH THEY MUST BE SUPER EXHAUSTED FROM WORKING NONSTOP THIS YEAR. And not to be that person but seeing them last year and then this year in concert really hit it home for me how much they’ve improved as artists and performers (not that they were bad to begin with) so in an ideal world, I would give a big award to Monsta X ❤❤

Song of the Year- Shine by Pentagon (lol sorry cloud)

it was a debate btwn shine or love scenario for me but shine did a lot more for pentagon’s popularity and name recognition than love scenario for ikon i think (since ikon already had ~ikonic~ songs like my type, rhythm ta, etc). The song itself is cute and really easy to get stuck in your head but not in an annoying way?? Plus the choreo made the hammer dance a thing (at least in my mind) and the way it rose up on the korean charts was p cool :)

Video of the Year- Help Me by NU’EST W

ugghhh so many candidates but the help me mv floored me with the overall visuals and cinematography and someone pls tell me that im not the only one who thought of minhyun when the door opened in the last scene lmao

Album of the Year- Love Yourself: Answer

I was late listening to it but after I got started, it was literally on repeat for at least a month. Just the way the album’s organized after ‘起承轉結’ makes the flow of songs from one to another is so perfect and all the songs were so good and it’s just really great 💗

5. Do you have a hobby/personal custom of yours?

uhm i read? that’s like the most boring hobby ever but i have been reading more lately than i have done over the last couple years, although I still have trouble finishing them..But I’m currently reading a book about the rise of China’s noveau riche and basically how capitalism functions in a country ruled by the Communist Party and no one wants to know how nerdy you are megan so just say you like reading and move on to the next question

6. Name the most a mischievous thing you’ve done

i dont do mischievous things OKAY BUT FORREAL I HAVE A REALLY BAD MEMORY WHEN IT COMES TO THESE THINGS SO NOTHING IS COMING TO MIND RN :0000

7. a kpop group/artist you WISH comes off hiatus in 2019? 

f(x) and i’ll throw in pristin (ALL OF THEM) for good measure

8. recommend me ten songs 

(i don’t think we have the same tastes rip but here’s basically the songs that didn’t make it on #11 😅)

loved by highlight

one of those nights (feat. crush) by key 

right now by amber

regular (english version) by nct 127 

april fool’s by jimin (jamie) park

gone by changsub

lady by exid

roller coaster by chungha

piece of peace, pt. 1 by j-hope

no gravity (piano version) by yoon mirae

9. is there a fandom related activity you wish you were good at?

hmm i’m really curious how ppl do gfx actually..like they’re always so pretty and creative and i’m always in awe but i don’t think i have the artistic mind for it. Also, writing fics is also something I respect and lowkey wish I was good at (even tho I never tried lol) since I find the process of transmitting my thoughts onto paper really difficult and it takes me forever to write stuff in general

10. a kp*p song from this year that everyone swears on but you’re not that on board with it 

favorite by loona?? i know a lot of ppl here on the tumbles love loona but their style of music doesn’t really hit it for me..

11. top 10 kpop songs of 2018?

in no particular order:

boss by nct u

la vie en rose by iz*one

countless by shinee

running to you by seventeen

destroyer by monsta x

trivia:seesaw by bts 

i’m so sick by apink

just do it by booseoksoon

she’s in the rain by the rose

bad boy by red velvet

[fluidityandgiggles]

Sleep Is For The Weak - Chapter 2

Previous Chapters: Prologue, Chapter 1

Notes (I guess): I am equally in love and in deep hate with some (a lot) of what’s going on in here, and I am terribly, terribly sorry. And also there are some characters I wanted to explore a bit further than what had been in this part, but... I’m working on it. Give it a bit and I’ll get there. Again, credit to @broadwaytheanimatedseries for screaming at me to write this, and to @whatwashernameagain for Keep Him Safe, and also a tiny tiny lil bit to @anony-phangirl and @asleepybisexual for their general support and for being such great sports about me annoying them with my ideas... (oops).

(I’m trying to find a way to write my notes, so bear with me until I find a way to… it might take a hot minute.)

(KHS) Tag List (sort of): @em-be-lievable, @ultimate-queen-of-fandoms2, @adoratato, @supremestoverlord, @royallyanxious, @madly-handsome, @hanramz-the-fander, @the-incedible-sulk, @poisonedapples, @virge-of-a-breakdown, @winglessnymph, @princeanxious, @smokeyrutilequartz, @im-bad-at-life (if any of you could tag the rest, please do! I’m improving my memory from day to day, but… yeah…)

Tag list: @bunny222, @ab-artist, @secretlyanxiouspersona

Trigger warning: period appropriate transphobia (the early 00s were not exactly trans-friendly). This chapter in particular includes some very heavy misgendering and deadnaming (if you get what I’m saying). Please be careful.

—————

Science of Living Systems 20 actually wasn't as bad as Remy thought it would be. It was rather cool, actually.

Well, at least he hoped it was.

The head of the department was… an interesting individual. Remy met with him during the application process. The man insisted on calling him "Miss Harris" and speaking to and about him in girl pronouns, and Remy understood why.

For some reason, though, Remy expected all the professors to be like that. And not such was the case.

"Rebecca Harris, I want to see you later in my office."

Doctor Gilliam was in his late thirties, called everyone by their first and last names, thought that being single was hilarious, made really bad puns in his lectures (though Remy heard, not as much outside of them), and tried his best to be "hip with the kids". It was worrying, to say the least. And… yeah, Remy was slightly terrified.

"I'm kind of worried, kid," Gilliam said the moment Remy walked in. "You don't look too-"

"Excuse me, Doctor, but I don't know what this is about."

"Have you heard about shadows and personae, Rebecca Harris?" Remy shook his head, terrified to say a word. "Well, it's quite an interesting concept. According to Carl Jung, you'll learn about him later, the persona is the mask you wear in the world. It's what you want others to see. The shadow is your innermost self, the parts of your identity that you wish to hide from others."

"Okay, and?"

"I think your persona might be cracking."

What… was going on?

"I'm not making sense, am I? I'm sorry. There's a lot that goes into that theory and I shouldn't confuse you this much, at least not until we get to it."

Yeah… it was weird.

"So, my point is… you can talk to me if anything is making you uncomfortable, okay?"

"Okay… I guess."

"Well, that is all," Doctor Gilliam said, fixing his glasses.

That… was weird. But okay. If that's how he wants to do things. Remy wasn't going to complain.

He was definitely better than the head of department.

—

There was a knock at the door.

Abby, their RA, was over earlier. Apparently Katherine had a bit of a scene right after class. So naturally, Remy assumed it would be Abby. No one else could be knowing on their door at ten thirty pm-

"We don't have your bunny this time. You can go."

Oh.

"Oh, no, I just…" Remy could hear that… kid? Whatever his name was, from the door. "I just need… I need someone to help me with something. And…"

"Oh. Remy can help."

"No I can't," Remy replied. "I need sleep and so do you!"

"It won't take long, I promise!"

"...fine." Remy got off the couch - the nice, comfy couch, where there was a blanket and his sols20 book - to the door. Where that kid (Emile? Emile) was looking at him with those big blue eyes and…

Yeah, Remy regretted unbinding. (Well, no. He did not. But also kind of did.)

"Hey… Rebecca, right—"

"His name is Remy."

Emile seemed shocked for a moment. Oh shit. "Oh, I'm so sorry! I didn't know. I just… I see you in most of my classes, so… never mind. So… how are you with baking?"

—

"So my sister Julie is LaVeyan—"

"Aren't we supposed to be baking cookies, babe?"

"Yeah, but… the stuff's all in the cabinets and I'm looking!"

Emile was a disaster child, Remy decided after only five minutes alone together. He brought a violin and his bunny to the kitchen in the pursuit of baking cookies - like, what even? - and he just seemed so… energetic? Happy? Whatever the word was. A couple minutes ago he was talking about the cookies, sure, but then he switched it to the importance of guided imagery, and then why Li Shang from Mulan is bisexual, and now… what was he even talking about?

"So my sister is a LaVeyan Satanist," Emile repeated himself, almost climbing on the counter to reach a cabinet. "It's kinda funny, actually. My dad's side of the family are all Catholic, and— can you put the sugar on the countertop, please? Thank you!"

"Sweetie, for the eleventh time this past ten minutes, I understand nothing you're saying."

"Am I speaking another language or something? Because if so I'm sorry!"

"No, it's just…" How does he not hurt his feelings? "It's just… you talk fast and about a lot of subjects at the same time."

"Oh. Okay. Sorry."

Maybe he thought Remy couldn't hear, but there was definitely a "this is just one of the things that are wrong about me" thrown in the air.

Emile didn't speak to him for the rest of the process. Maybe once or twice he pointed out a step or an ingredient, but overall he did not speak. At all. And then the cookies were in the oven…

And then he pulled out his violin.

"Is this really necessary?"

"I'm not talking to you."

"Emile, is it because of something I said?" Emile, still pouting (as he had been for a good hour and some now), nodded. "Well, I'm sorry. Please don't silent treatment me."

"I talk too fast and too much."

"Not what I said. I just said I can't follow you. I didn't say it's your fault. Please don't—"

Emile pretty much just ignored Remy (uhh, rude!) and positioned his violin, and started to play something… quite angrily.

After a minute and a half Remy recognized it as Once Upon a Dream from Sleeping Beauty.

After another three minutes, he dared open his mouth again. "I'm sorry I said that. I didn't mean to. Do you accept my apology?"

"...fine."

It was not fine. Absolutely not.

"Thanks for the help with the cookies," he said as they separated at the top of the stairs, all one-hundred-and-ninety cookies (Emile insisted on quadrupling the recipe) safely packed in plastic boxes and hidden away. "I… I'm gonna go now."

"Emile, please." He turned around, still looking quite pissed. (It was probably the hour, Remy tried telling himself. It's already past one am. This is not good.) "Are you mad that I said I'm confused?"

"To be honest with you, yes! Yes, I'm mad. I know it wasn't your intention but I heard you say shut the fuck up when you said that. And it hurt. Very badly."

...oh.

"I'm going to forgive you, but it's going to take me a bit, so please don't be mad at me, okay?" Emile honestly looked close to tears. "Good night, Remy. I'll see you in living systems tomorrow."

And then he went to his suite, violin and bunny with him.

Remy just got himself into a huge mess.

—

It was a beautiful afternoon in Boston when Remy found himself at the rather posh Italian place his mom wanted to meet at.

Before their divorce in late 1999, just after Remy turned fifteen, his father started contacting a charity organization dedicated to help transgender youth. He educated himself. Tried to educate his wife as well. But… apparently it was the last straw for Linda. The very night he tried to even just explain that it's not her fault, that it's how he was born, she packed up her things and left.

The divorce papers came in less than two months later. The divorce was finalized in November 1999. Remy did not see her since.

(Yeah… that was a lie. He actually hasn't seen her since Christmas 2001. But that was still a very long time. Almost a year is a long time.)

"Well, at least the weather's nice." And there she was with her new boy toy. Glamorous as ever, with her stupidly huge sunglasses and her bright red (disgustingly fake, makes India's hair seem real) curly bob, looking exactly the same as she did that day Remy came out to her.

A few hours later, though. When she thought he was asleep and left the house to go to some party.

"Well, at least you're still not very nice, Linda," he said with a smirk as he sat down next to her boy toy (he actually looks kinda nice, for a forty-something year old). "But much unlike the weather, I don't think this is a thing that can change so easily."

"Where are your manners, Rebecca?"

"The same place those diamond earrings you forgot when you left us are. At home with Dad, probably watching South Park."

"Well, at least we left the girls at home." Linda took off her sunglasses and replaced them with a normal, frameless pair of glasses. "I don't believe you met Stephen before, Rebecca."

"I don't believe I've met a Rebecca before, Linda."

"Are you ready to order?"

It took about two minutes for all the orders to place (of course Stephen had to order something overly fancy, because why the fuck not) before she started yapping again.

"Rebecca, I didn't ask to see you for you to be so rude to me."

"I didn't ask to see you, period."

"What would you like to be called, then?" Stephen asked. Well…

"Remy. My name is Remy."

"Your name is—"

"My name is not Rebecca! I haven't gone by that name since I was fourteen. Dad never called me that since the day I asked him to call me Remy. You're the only one who ever insisted, how do you think it made me feel?"

"How do you think it made me feel, Rebecca?" Remy hoped no one was looking. "My own daughter. I jeopardized my own high school graduation to have you because your father was dumb enough to forget the condoms. I gave up life-long dreams just to raise you, because that retard of a father you have couldn't. Is this how you repay me?"

There was a very awkward silence, that was broken by an unfamiliar voice - deep, with a southern drawl - and a confused "Rebecca?"

India. Without her makeup, her hair pulled back.

Looking almost perfectly manly.

"Excuse me?" Linda straightened her glasses, glaring at India. Oh, how Remy did not want this to happen… "And you are?"

"Ian McGinty, ma'am. I'm her boyfriend."

Oh.

"Your father didn't tell me you have a boyfriend," Linda spoke slowly.

"Because he doesn't know everything. And my name is still Remy."

"Ethan and I are gonna go now," India said, her voice still lower, still more southern than normal. "Text me when you're done, we'll go get ice cream?"

"...sure."

And then she leaned down and said, in the voice Remy grew to know and absolutely adore, "we're going to talk about this. Don't worry, I got your back."

And then she was gone.

"So a boyfriend, huh?"

"...so how many men have you fucked before meeting Stephen, Linda?"

—

"I'm so sorry about your mom, baby."

India's brother, Ethan, looked nothing like her. Well, he looked like a more manly, less boyish version of ‘manly' India, but also nothing alike. He also didn't talk much. So that was fun.

India took them to get ice cream indeed. (And much like her music taste, her favorite ice cream flavors - burnt caramel and earl grey - were rather… interesting. But she did swear that Toscanini's was probably the best ice cream in Cambridge, and who was Remy to argue with her?)

"It's alright. She's always been like this."

"Doesn't make it alright." Ethan grunted in agreement. "Take it from me, Remy. It's never alright."

"Does he have an Esther?"

India's eyes rolled so far back. "Do you think that every trans person have to have an Esther, Ethan? Do you truly think it's how we realize our identity?"

"It's how you did yours."

"I knew I'm a girl since the moment I understood who I am. Any related accidents after that are purely incidental."

"India, I think I fucked up." She looked up at him from her half-melted ice cream cup. "I told you about Emile, right?"

"You're still stuck on that?" Remy nodded. "Look… that kid told you he forgives you. You saw him in class since then, he didn't say anything to you… you're doing fine, sweetie."

"Is that his real boyfriend?"

"Ethan, shut the fuck up or I'll call mom. Remy…" India turned to play with his hair.

Yeah, it was very calming.

"He sounds like a very sweet kid. Trust me, there's no way you fucked anything up. You'll be okay. You'll get to hang out with him again, and it will be okay. Now eat your ice cream, you have the best ice cream, and then we're going back to your dorm and we're going to watch Priscilla. Or Hedwig. Whatever suits your fancy, okay?"

"...okay."

"Now, let's talk more about your mom and why it isn't okay that she treats you like that."

And for a bit, everything just seemed alright. Well, almost.

[mnetruinedmylife]

Fine

Just some unfinished IOI drabbles

“I’ll be alright.”

Three words that are so easy to say. So easily believed. Not because they’re particularly convincing, oh not at all, but rather because people want to believe them. Everyone wants to know that she’s going to be ok, no one actually wants to entertain the notion that she’s not. Because that’s a complication, and as Sohye as found out in the last few month, complications aren’t appreciated in the music industry.

Which brings her to the crux of the matter, she’s in the music industry. Which deity had deigned it fit to have that happen? It’s not like she didn’t want it, no she did want it. Perhaps not at first when the dawning horror that her company had thrown her under the proverbial bus came to light.

“How would you rate your singing and dancing skills?”

Confused wide-eyes stare at the two casting directors, “Um…I can’t sing or dance?”

The two women in front of share a look – eyes shining, teeth slightly wider than before, Sohye is reminded of those sharks in Finding Nemo.

The one on her left leans forward, resting her elbows onto the table, “Really now?”

Sohye isn’t stupid, she knows what they wanted when they accepted her onto the show. A butt monkey, the focus of a few laughs, some uncomfortable flailing – because it was a total coincidence that Heehyun and Chaeyeon were waiting in the wings with five cameras pointing at each of their faces when she performed – maybe even an inspiring ‘most improved’ story, and then boom bang, pack your bags and leave little actress girl.

Only it didn’t quite work out like that. They definitely underestimated their little underdog story segment and she became a little too popular than planned for.

“Nervous Sohye?”

Sejeong’s concerned face greets her, and Sohye nearly bows her head in deference – habit, she’s supposed to be a good natured, meek, and polite girl after all. She didn’t understand Sejeong, not at first. Why choose her of all people to be on her team? Why waste time correcting her instead of practicing, when Sejeong herself isn’t that much of a strong dancer?

Then it becomes obvious why, and Sohye nearly curses herself for being so stupid – something about the show must be sucking her brain cells out because she wasn’t stupid before she joined. Idols do just as much acting as actresses do, only it’s not seen, or praised – they all have images. The words get thrown around so easily that Sohye doesn’t think many people understand what it actually means. An image isn’t just something an idol presents, an image is a persona that an idol adopts. One that is cultivated through training, one they took classes to perfect, one that is put on from the moment they are in front of a camera and sometimes even after.

When she learns this, everything is easier to navigate. She can do this, she’s been taught how to act for years now, it should be easy. And it is. In the beginning she fumbles because of embarrassment, sheepishness, and a little intimidated at being in front of a two hundred judgemental eyes – but now it’s hers, the fumbling, shy, Kim Sohye, and the audience loves it.

Being an idol isn’t that much different to being an actress, as Sohye discovers. Only the acting is almost 24/7. She kind of likes it even.

“I’ll be alright,” Sohye says with a smile, “The choreo for Dream Girls isn’t that hard anyway.”

For a moment she wonders if Sejeong would believe her, the elder girl is scarily perceptive sometimes. But all she does is curve her eyes into smiles and nods, “Good. Let’s do our best ok?”

Sohye nods, “Ok.”

She might not have originally intended it, but between the beginning and end of the show, she grew to want it. While it might not be as strong as those who have wanted it for all their lives, chased it for all their lives – it’s a start, it’s something, and when Sohye wants something, she never lets anything get in her way.

_______________________)

“Never let anything get in your way.”

Somi gasps, heart pounding in her throat as her eyes shoots open. She stuffs her fist in her mouth and holds herself perfectly still. She learns the skill while on SIXTEEN, midnight sobs and thrashing nightmares were common, but Somi didn’t want to bother her roommates, didn’t want to show weakness. She picks it up from Jihyo – who probably had a lot of experiences with it in the past ten years, and then perfects it while on Produce 101.

Never let anything get in your way. Never let anything get in your way. Never let anything get in your way.

She holds her father’s words in her mind. Repeats it over and over again like a mantra. Because if you want something, you have to be willing to do anything for it. She wants this, oh so badly. When the lights are blinding her eyes, and the roar of the crowd deafens her ears, it’s worth it. When she dreams of scowling faces, of shadowy masses, of taunts and jeers and wakes up in cold sweat, it doesn’t seem to be.

Sighing, she slides out of bed, picking her blanket and pillow off the floor as she did so, and throws them back on her bed. Everyone else is asleep, and she’s careful not to wake them when she slips out the door.

The lights are all off, but someone left the blinds open and the moonlight streams through. A shadowy silhouette approaches her and wordlessly shoves a mug in her hands.

Somi fights the urge to look down. Hot chocolate. It makes her feel like a whining kid. Then again, Sejeong has always had that effect on her. They sit down on the kitchen stools opposite one another. As the warm drink slides down her throat and warms her belly, Somi closes her eyes, as if she could will her tiredness away just by doing so.

Sometimes Doyeon joins them, opens the fridge door, pulls out the ice tray and sits down at the table, crunching down the cubes one by one. Chaeyeon never actually comes into the kitchen, but she sits outside on the couch. They know she’s out there, and she knows they’re in here, and no one says a thing.  

None of them ever ask why the others are up, they don’t even speak to each other, and by morning no one mentions it. The first time it happened, Somi could almost believe that she had imagined the entire episode – only for Jieqiong to bust that bubble when she loudly complains about where all the ice went.

---------______)

“If you keep smiling, people are going to wonder where all the ice went.”

Nayoung nearly rolls her eyes, but she supposes she’s luckier than most, “I really hope this stone image isn’t permanent.”

The first time she walks into the Pledis training hall, they’re having lessons on maintaining an image. The instructor takes one look at her and sighs, pinches her nose and probably sends a prayer to whatever deity she believed in. Nayoung knows that she can’t emote very well when stressed, it’s just the way she is – only idols are expected to smile and be happy all the time and those that aren’t, get branded by labels like ‘Ice princess’ if they’re lucky, or else they get ‘rude’ and ‘bad attitude’ tacked onto their image if they’re not. Or sometimes both, the Jung sisters seem to manage both.

Nayoung ends up with a character out of it. She should be thankful. It’s pretty much the entire reason why she got noticed in the first place. If it hadn’t been for Mnet’s little ‘Stone Nayoung’ segment, she wouldn’t even be on people’s radar. What could she possibly bring to the group that hasn’t already been given, and better too? Can’t sing as well as Yeonjung and Sejeong – can’t even sing as well as Jieqiong, or speak any foreign languages, can’t dance like Chungha, nowhere near charismatic like Somi and Sohye, not adorable like Mina or Yoojung, can’t act like Chaeyeon, not even as pretty as Doyeon. They’re going to realise their mistake voting her up soon enough, what could she, Im Nayoung, possibly—

“What are you thinking about?” Yebin interrupts her thoughts, poking her forehead with her index finger. It drags her back to reality, sitting on her bed, trying to pack because she’s supposed to be moving into a new dorm soon.  

Nayoung shrugs, folding a t-shirt, “Nothing, just…this whole IOI thing, seems like dumb luck that I got in and…” she trails off, flushing slightly, feeling extremely guilty and insensitive for bringing this topic up with Yebin.

“I’m not a delicate flower who’s going to burst into tears you know,” Yebin says wryly, “You can talk to me if you need to.”

“I can think of other things we can be doing aside from talking,” Nayoung points out with a smirk, right as a thud sounds against the far wall and there’s some muffled cursing on the other side, “See? Jieqiong and Eunwoo have the right idea.”

“Don’t distract me,” Yebin says, swatting Nayoung’s aside, “You know it’s not healthy for you to bottle up your feelings oh great leader. We only have a few hours before you’re shipped off for months, so talk.”

“We only have a few hours,” Nayoung repeats, running a finger down Yebin’s chest, “I’m going to miss you.” She gets her way in the end, Yebin always gives in.

She’s not avoiding talking. No, she’s definitely not. Because for her to avoid talking, there has to be something to talk about. There’s nothing to talk about – she got in as a fluke, and sooner or later, they’re going to realise what a horrible mistake this is.

-______)

This is a horrible mistake.

Chaeyeon paces back and forth along the corridor. Mind twisting into messier knots as she fidgets. What in the world possessed her to do this? She made it in, because of course she made it in, after the stunt Heehyun pulled. Makes it to A, one of the fastest runners, first one to pick her song, and what does she do? Pick one with a rap and fierce image like 2NE1’s Fire to prove herself?

No, because that would be sane.  

No, instead Heehyun picks Into the New World, with the fresh, cute innocent concept, grabs JYP’s Jeon Freakin Somi, Heo Has Already Debuted Chanmi, Jung Been On Two Mnet Shows Eunwoo, and sticks Chaeyeon’s face right in the middle of their formation. Stupid Heehyun. Insane Heehyun. Stupidly smart and insanely loyal Heehyun. Urgh.

She can’t be in two groups at once, there has to be some kind of rule against that somewhere! But apparently there isn’t, and she is.

It’s tiring, bone-breaking, exhaustive work, but that’s nothing new. Her sleep schedule is completely out of whack, she eats maybe once a day if she’s lucky, catches an hour or two of sleep if she’s really lucky, and is shunted from schedule to schedule. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like she’s even in her body, it feels like she’s sleepwalking through everything.

Stand there. Pose here. Run like this. Wear this. Put this outfit on. No try this one. Sit still. Smile. Look pretty. That’s a good girl. Devious little girl aren’t you? A perfect idol. Greedy isn’t she? So pretty though. One group isn’t good enough, has to have two. So well mannered. Kind of rude actually. Soft spoken, like a lady. Did you see the look on her face? Kids these days, no manners at all. She should be grateful. Did you hear what they say? Ah yes. Plastic surgery. Selfish. Down that road. A beautiful path isn’t it? Dreaming of a flower path. Do this CF Chaeyeon. That one too. Wait no we need you to fly to France now. Do you dream girl? I—

Chaeyeon’s eyes flash open. She slowly steadies her breathing, staring up blankly at the van ceiling as she did so. She should go to sleep. She has a schedule at four am. Wouldn’t do to look tired, the last thing she needs is more articles about her. Didn’t really matter all that much really, people would say what they want no matter what.

-____)

[shirohibiki]

well, folks, here it is. a month late and ~18600 words, my new record for longest fic to date. i’m sorry it’s so crazily long and crappy like everything else and i’m REALLY sorry it took so long, but… i hope y’all like it anyway, lmao i spent an UNGODLY fucking amount of time slaving over this. note: there are some explanations that are repeated because this is technically a standalone fic so it’s there for those who don’t read the others, but i’m actually putting some things in a loose timeline of sorts now. not all fics are in it or may not be listed, just the major stuff i guess idk

written for my spongebob human AU, timeline: [1] | [2] | [3]

spongebob is hosting one of his famous christmas parties, and sandy hatches an evil scheme: get spongebob drunk and encourage him to go kiss squidward under some mistletoe, in an effort to perhaps jump-start some progress in their relationship. she persuades him easily, and one totally smashed spongebob goes to give squidward the wildest smooch of his life. this causes all sorts of Feelings within squidward, but before he has the chance to confront spongebob about it, it’s apparent the next morning that spongebob has entirely forgotten the affair. squidward definitely isn’t going to remind him, and nobody else does either, so he must suffer in silence and try to deal with all of these foreign emotions.

merry belated christmas, everyone. i love all of you so much. <3 this is my gift to the beautiful squidbob community; thank you for being such a bright spot in my life!

Once Spongebob learned how to properly host parties, a Spongebob party was the best party in town.

This Christmas party was no different – and it was only the first one of the month! For every weekend in December, up to and including Christmas itself, he threw a festive shindig.

He’d gone all-out, as per usual fashion – the entire pineapple was decorated inside and out, chock full of jolly holiday cheer. Wreaths, garland, ribbons, lights, mistletoe, stockings, ornaments, candy canes, snowglobes – you name it, he had it. On the front of his snow-covered pineapple hung an inviting banner that read, ‘Mele Kalikimaka!’ A herd of glowing reindeer lounged about in the front yard, accompanied by a snowman family. His Christmas tree was stunning – he’d picked out the biggest coral tree he could find and made sure it was perfect in every way, with every ornament hung with care and every strand of lights threaded with precision. His fireplace roared welcomingly, providing an incredibly cozy heat for people to snuggle by. Glistening multicolored lights and garland were run along the walls of every room with red bows accentuating them. Countless other decorations adorned his household which inspired great holiday spirit for all. The banquet provided was nothing to sneeze at, either. His grandmother and Squidward’s mother both baked their famous cookies, and combined with the other various desserts, those sweets were a force to be reckoned with. Spongebob home-cooked a lot of the meals; the ham, the turkey, the kielbasa, the bean salad, the roasted vegetables, the mashed potatoes, the baked ziti, and so much more… The pepperoni bread was from a nearby Italian joint, but it was a must-have. His parents often came to help him, along with Sandy – Patrick was banned from the kitchen. As in he wasn’t even allowed to be in the same house while they cooked. If nothing else, Spongebob was a perfectionist. That meant every spread, like the rest of his house, looked like it was straight out of a Christmas magazine with how neat and ornate it was… Until people started eating, of course!

Spongebob loved Christmas. Ever since Sandy told him all about it that fateful day… And the day he met the real Santa Claus… It had easily become his favorite holiday. He adored everything about it! The shopping, the decorating, the snow aplenty! The gifts, the love in the air, the chestnuts roasting! The mistletoe~… Oh, Christmas… It was the most wonderful time of the year indeed.

By 5 PM, almost everyone had arrived and the party got underway. Joyful holiday music and the sound of chatter filled the well-lit rooms while the host flitted about, checking on everyone just to make sure they were having the Best Party Ever™. The very picture of adorability, Spongebob wore a beautifully gaudy reindeer themed ugly sweater that hung off the shoulder, a headband with reindeer antlers, and tight black slacks. Along with his rosy freckled cheeks, captivating cerulean eyes, fluffy flaxen hair and gap-toothed smile, he dazzled all of the partygoers. Since things had now settled down, he was finally able to go relax for a moment. He trotted over to a table and sighed in relief as he seated himself. “Oh boy…” Being host sure could be tiring! He loved it, though. Everyone looked so great in their sweaters and button-downs and dresses, and they were all enjoying themselves.

Blue eyes roved around the crowded room – where was… Ah. There he was. Squidward was sitting on a couch across the room, appearing to be quite a bit less grumpy than he usually did, sporting a charming ugly sweater like always. It was snowman themed this time! He was actually talking to someone, too! It was so nice to see him having a good time… Spongebob sighed again, more wistfully this time, propping his arm up on the table and resting his cheek in his palm. Gee… What he wouldn’t give to be sitting in his lap with one of Squidward’s arms around his waist. That’d be swell. If it were possible, he managed to become even more romantically charged than he already was around holidays like Christmas or Valentine’s. It was just – it looked so nice for couples, with the hugging and the kissing and the scarf-sharing and the cuddling by the fire and the…

Gosh… It’d be real swell.

“Howdy, Spongebob!” A familiar voice pulled him from his melancholy-tinged thoughts. One Sandra Cheeks had approached him – he smiled up at her.

“Hiya, Sandy.”

“Takin’ a break? Neptune knows you deserve one!” She said, clapping him on the back as she pulled up a chair next to him.

“Hehe. Naw, I’m okay. I don’t mind the work!” She looked gorgeous tonight too, which came as no surprise. Makeup wasn’t something she wore too often, but tonight, she’d used some glittery gold eyeshadow with a deep plum lipstick and it was absolutely incredible on her. He could also see that she was wearing a wonderful ugly turtleneck sweater under her aquatic suit – such a shame she couldn’t take that dang old thing off. It was always so in the way. Curse their differences in oxygen intake. She had her thick brown curls pulled into pigtails like usual and a pretty burgundy bow on her tail that even lit up! And boy, that fur was fluffy today! “Ooh, I see you took extra care to fluff up your tail today!” He complimented, reaching over to pet through the soft pelt, marveling at it. Sandy chuckled.

“Yup! I brushed it for ten whole minutes! Gettin’ the bow perfect was kind of a challenge, but I managed it!”

“You sure did!” They shared a laugh before Sandy silently observed him for a moment or two. His expression had fallen – he seemed a tad distant, and, looking down, she spotted him continually squeezing some of the fabric of the hem of his sweater. Occasionally, his grip flexed so hard his knuckles went white.

“So, Sponge… Feelin’ kinda lonely, are ya? You’ve been quiet tonight.”

“Wh—“ He whipped around to gape at her. Jeez, she was way too astute! “I… No, I’m fine! I’m just really happy that everyone’s here, and that they’re all loving my party.” She tapped her fingers against her helmet thoughtfully, glancing to Squidward. Soon, a grin spread across her face.

“Maaaaybe y’all should go talk to ‘im.”

“I will in a bit, when he’s not busy.” Spongebob shifted uncomfortably, averting his gaze. The cloth he’d been toying with was now clutched in a firm, unforgiving hold.

“You suuuuuure put up a lotta mistletoe.” Sandy was ruthless in her attempts. She could tell Spongebob was sort of upset – not to mention anxious – and wanted to urge him to at least go and be near Squidward to put him more at ease. To her amusement, he flushed.

“Wh—it’s just decoration! I mean, I definitely encourage kissing for anyone who wants to, though.” Spongebob was a lover of romance, through and through. At that moment, an idea wormed its way into Sandy’s head. That grin of hers turned a shade more devilish, but to her best friend’s surprise, she relented, rising from her seat.

“I’m gonna get you a drink, okay? Wait right here, don’t you dare go on gettin’ up. There are others people can go to if they need somethin’.” She wagged a finger at him scoldingly. He pouted, but didn’t bother to argue because he knew he wouldn’t win that one.

Passing by numerous talkative revelers, Sandy skipped gleefully over to the beverage table in the kitchen. It was time to liven up this party. Larry, who was chilling out nearby, greeted her. He wore an ugly sweater too – but his was sleeveless. Had to show off those guns somehow!

“Hey, Sandy! How’s it hangin’?”

“Great! Just gettin’ our hard-workin’ lil’ Sponge a drink, heh.” Larry had been taking a sip of his water, but paused with the cup to his lips upon hearing her tone. His eyes narrowed suspiciously. He saw her reach for the cranberry juice from behind the fountain of punch.

“… Yeah? What’re you getting him?” The pineapple juice was next. Oh no, he knew what she was up to… She was so obvious about it too! She didn’t even bother to hide her smile!

“A Sponge’s lil’ helper~.” Sandy’s expression went downright sinister then. The vodka was next to be added to her beautiful cocktail. Hopefully there were cherries or limes around! Frowning, Larry stepped forward.

“Whoa, hey there, now wait a sec. What are you planning? We all know he loves baybreezes, but somehow, I don’t think he was the one who asked for it.” He had a very strong suspicion. It was confirmed by her cackling maniacally.

“HA! I think he needs to loosen up a bit! He gets wound up tighter than a snake ‘round a rodent it found for dinner when he hosts parties.” Larry placed his hands on his hips as she mixed it into a beautiful sunset – Spongebob’s favorite part of the drink. She was admittedly quite good at it blending the colors together.

“Loosen up, yeah. But you’re trying to get him all over Squidward. Are you sure this is a good idea? What if he does or says something he regrets?” His personal hangups with Squidward aside, he was mostly worried about Spongebob getting hurt in some way.

“P’SHAAAAWWW! He can just blame it on bein’ drunk, ain’t no thing!” Sandy’s evil laughter only continued. Her brew was now COMPLETED! The lifeguard pinched his brow.

“… Dude, it’s only 6. We can’t get him drunk this early.” She opened her mouth to speak, but went no further. Her brow creased. It would be a problem if the host passed out too early.

“… Hm. Well… Dinner’ll be served soon, right? Then he won’t need to supervise as much.” Be that as it may, he would try to regardless, knowing Spongebob. “So I mean, I don’t see why not, once all the food’s ready to go.”

“Oh boy,” Larry groaned, dragging a hand down his face. “I have a bad feeling about this.”

Sandy returned to Spongebob but instead of giving him what she’d made, told him he should probably help serve dinner first just to get it out of the way. It wasn’t like much had to be done – they just had to uncover the platters and make sure everything was warm and ready, mostly. He hadn’t even seen what she’d made him, but agreed nonetheless – his guests were of the utmost priority, they came first! Unsurprisingly, he went out of his way to make sure every single partygoer had everything they needed and that Patrick was not permitted to inhale all of the food. Frank, who was sitting at the table in the dining room, noticed him still buzzing about even after everyone had been served. “Spongebob, go eat already! We’re all fine, take a breather!” Others around him nodded in agreement. Spongebob turned, having been fussing over one of the M&M bowls.

“Wha? Uh, are you su—“ Sandy interrupted by walking right up to him and holding out his drink, beaming. It was a bit diluted now because she’d had to put in more ice to keep it cool, but she could certainly make more.

“Here. You need to sit yer butt down and spend time with us rather’n the candy dishes.”

“Yeah! We wanna talk to you, Spongebob!” Abigail agreed. “You always do this! You get so worried, but we’re all able to help ourselves, and there are other people we can go to if we need something. Just sit and hang out, okay?” Spongebob fretted a bit, feeling bad – he’d not realized he was that obsessive. He just wanted to throw a good party, so he spent a lot of time worrying and fixing things – at least in the beginning of the night. No matter what, as the party went on and fewer people needed him, he allowed himself to participate more. This time, though, they wanted him the whole party, not half of it. It wasn’t fair to him if he couldn’t have fun too.

“Gee… I’m sorry, I…” Finally regarding his beverage, he paused. His pupils dilated. A baybreeze… “It’s SO PRETTY,” he gasped, marveling at the way Sandy layered the liquids and how the glass glimmered with the reflection of the Christmas lights around them. Out of their close group of friends, she was the best at making mixed drinks. “AND A LOOPY STRAW?! WITH AN UMBRELLA AND CHERRIES?! OH, SANDY!” He pulled her into a tight hug, thrilled. Patting his back, she laughed.

“Yer welcome~! Drink up!”

“Oooh, already breaking out the alcohol, huh?” Evelyn asked, which gave Spongebob pause. Wait… Should he be drinking this early? The clock read 6:30. The party hadn’t been going on for very long… What if he drank too much and blacked out? He didn’t have a very strong constitution, and people needed him! He appeared as if he was going to protest, but he knew Sandy wouldn’t allow him to.

“… Okay, but just one!” He sat himself down at the table next to Larry, who wondered if Spongebob noticed that incredibly ominous grin on Sandy’s face.

“Drink! Drink! Drink!” Frank chanted. “You sure know how to make them, Sandy. Think you could teach me sometime? It always comes out muddled when I do it.”

“Hmm… Maybe I could host a workshop sometime, sure! It’s not too hard. Actually, Sponge, I can make another that’s real pretty like that, but has peach n’ orange juice in it! If you like yer baybreezes, you’d like this one.” He already seemed intrigued – hook, line, and sinker. He was sipping his current drink through his straw, thoroughly enjoying the mix of cranberry and pineapple. Alcohol itself wasn’t his favorite taste in the world, but he liked it with fruity things. Orange juice did sound good…

“What else is in it?”

“Like I said, pretty similar. Vodka, cranberry juice, peach schnapps, and orange juice. Or, at least, that’s one version of it. It’s all orange and red like these, but the orange is brighter.”

“Ooooh…” His eyes shone with wonder. He was such a sucker for the pretty colors, he couldn’t help it! He might have to have one now, it was so tempting… It would be fine, that was only two drinks! He didn’t even have to drink the whole thing! “What’s it called?”

Smirking, Sandy leaned forward a bit. “Sex on the Beach~.” There was a chance he wouldn’t get flustered, but… The way his countenance lit up rivaled the cranberry juice! Success! Larry tried to choke back a laugh and the others could be heard giggling. Spongebob quietly sucked his baybreeze through the straw, staring down at it, cheeks red. Unfortunately for him, whatever was swirling around in his mind eventually flustered him so much that he drained the entire glass in one go and then shouted, even redder than before,

“I WANT A SEX ON THE BEACH!” He pounded his empty glass down on the table. He wasn’t even that intoxicated – it had been fueled moreso by embarrassment. Those around him hushed for a moment before many burst into laughter. Larry couldn’t help it – oh, that was priceless! The delivery was perfect! Merely huffing, Spongebob crossed his arms. “There’s nothing funny about it! It’s just the name of a drink! Don’t be so lewd!” Sandy was chortling away as she got up to go make it for him. She’d have abs on top of her abs by the end of the night at this rate!

“Hoo doggie! Comin’ right up, Spongebob! One Sex on the Beach!” And back to the kitchen their squirrely friend ran.

“What happened to ‘just one?’” Evelyn teased, poking at his arm – this earned her another huff.

“It IS just one! It’s just one of – of a different kind! And it’s the only other one I’m having,” the blond insisted. Mr. Krabs noticed the commotion as he walked by with a plate of food in hand. Their host had already broken out the liquor? Hmm… He leaned over to whisper to Plankton, who was beside him.

“Think I should charge people fer the impendin’ Drunken Spongebob Shenanigans?”

“This is his house, Eugene,” Plankton replied flatly whilst picking a crumb off of his ugly sweater that matched Mr. Krabs’s.

“… Right, but… It’s like dinner and a show! People pay fer that!”

“In his own house, yes. If anyone could even attempt to use it for monetary gain, it would be him. Honestly, Eugene. You’re shameless.”

“Don’t you roll yer eye at me, Sheldon! Fine! I’ll just enjoy what we get to see, then.”

“Oh, Neptune. I think I’m going to need a drink…”

Sandy soon came back with another one of her beautiful concoctions. Deep orange and red, complete with a cherry, an umbrella, and a loopy straw. Everyone currently around them ‘ooh’ed and ‘ahh’ed. Spongebob squealed – it was so BEAUTIFUL! He held out his hands to take it from her, admiring at its sunset-esque gradient. Upon him taking his first sip, applause sounded.

“How’s it taste?! I might need one, Sandy!”

“Wow!! I love it!! The orange juice is so good with cranberry!” He honestly couldn’t tell if he liked pineapple and cranberry or orange and cranberry better… Both? Both. Both is good.

“That’s some good Sex on the Beach, eh, Sponge?” Sandy was out for blood tonight! Good lord! Sadly, she didn’t get the reaction she wanted – Spongebob merely nodded, contentedly drinking away.

“Mmhmm!” She knew he’d start getting tipsy quite swiftly – she’d added a biiiit more vodka than the recipe called for since the orange juice helped in masking it. She also wondered if she could get him to try another…

“I’ll make a round of drinks for y’all, sure! I know you aren’t done with that one yet, Spongebob, but how do ya feel about tryin’ somethin’ blue?” Oh, how easy it was to entice him. His wide eyes moved to her, the straw still between his lips.

“Blue..?” Ohh… Ohhhhhh… He loved blue… Anything blue Sandy made would definitely be good!

“As blue as yer pretty eyes.” She poked his nose. He mulled it over, but Frank made his decision for him instead.

“Yeah, we wanna see that one! If he doesn’t drink it, I will!”

“No no I’ll drink it I’ll drink it!” Spongebob said hurriedly, ditching his ‘just one’ policy in favor of pretty colors. Sandy couldn’t have been happier. He’d be smashed soon enough… And then… He might need a little push… And the pieces would fall into place. Larry shot the scientist a glare, but she ignored it and went skipping back to the kitchen.

“Hey, Sponge, maybe you should slow down a li—“ Larry stopped dead in the middle of his sentence and his eyes bulged upon seeing that HE’D ALREADY FINISHED IT. “Whoa—have you even eaten anything?! You should really take it easy, buddy!” Hearing Spongebob’s giggle made his stomach drop. Oh no. It had begun. If he’d not eaten anything to absorb it, with how fast he was downing those he’d be a goner in no time.

“Hee… Umm, I dunno. Maybe? Hey, Pat, did I eat anything?” Spongebob asked, leaning forward to see his friend who was three seats down from him, devouring the mountain of food he possessed. Hearing his name, he looked up, mouth stuffed with chicken.

“Uhhhh… Ahh…” Patrick had to swallow before he could speak. “I think I saw you eating some veggies and dip earlier?”

“Ohh, okay! Thanks, Pat!”

“Anytime, pal!” And right back to eating Patrick went. He wasn’t messing around – he’d already finished two plates. Spongebob’s smile returned to one unamused Larry Buffington.

“… Yeeeah. I mean, it’s something, but you should really have some turkey or mashed potatoes. Want me to get it for you?”

“Well…” The blond pouted down at his empty glass. “I wann’another… It’s all gone.” Larry was exasperated already. Sure, it was funny at first, but… He just – he wanted to protect Spongebob from doing something he’d really regret! Being drunk at a party was one thing. It happened. It wasn’t a big deal… But when you threw Squidward into the mix, things got risky, and Sandy pushing them together was a recipe for disaster. You could only blame so much on being drunk. What if he confessed his feelings in a sloppy and careless manner? Oh Neptune, the lack of a filter would lead to some really awkward professions. Just the thought sent a shiver down his spine – they might never see Squidward again after something like that. To his vexation, before he could speak further, Sandy brought a dream of a cocktail that indeed matched the cerulean of Spongebob’s irises as well as the water around them. It shimmered in the light enticingly. Drooling, Spongebob reached for it.

“Heeeeere y’are!” She chirped, but before she could hand it over, Larry snatched it from her.

“Sandy. C’mon, man. Let him take a break – you don’t want him getting sick, do you?” He held it up high so Spongebob couldn’t reach it, though that didn’t stop him from trying.

“Nngh—gimme—“

“Larry, why are you being such a party pooper?” Abigail whined. “What’s the problem? He’s cute when he’s drunk! Let him have fun! It’s a Christmas party!” The lifeguard soon found that the others were also chiming in to agree. Was he the only sensible one around here?! Squidward was the problem here, not Spongebob just being tanked! But… He reasoned that it wasn’t like Spongebob had never been intoxicated at a party Squidward was also at. It had gone alright then (even if Spongebob became clingier or flirtier), so why would it be any different now? Sandy, that was why. She had a specific goal in mind and it wasn’t just to let Spongebob flirt with Squidward on his own. No, she wanted more than that. She knew how tricky this situation was, why was she doing this?! Trying to force a change could go really badly… There was a possibility of success, but Larry wasn’t sure he wanted to bet on that.

“I hope you know what could happen,” Larry muttered to Sandy through a clenched jaw. This was serious stuff… She knew that. He understood that she wanted some progress – they all did, for Spongebob’s sake. But was this the way to go about it? Sandy’s demeanor shifted to that of uneasiness for a split second before she hid it.

“I’ve got it under control,” she said. Larry merely arched a doubtful brow and gave Spongebob his drink.

“Hm. Alright then, bro. Here you go. But take it slow this time, and eat something with it.”

“YAY!” Spongebob grabbed it right up and took a drink to see how it tasted. He wrinkled his nose a tad at first – this one had a stronger taste of alcohol. He was already buzzed, though, so it wouldn’t bother him too much. The cocktail kept him quiet while he savored it. Sandy served drinks to a few other people who wanted them, and things were relatively calm until Spongebob finished his third – probably quicker than he should’ve, but not as fast as the ones prior. “Ahhhh… Wowie, that was great! Thanks, Saaaandy~.” Looking down, he noticed a plate of some food Larry had gotten for him at some point. He scrutinized it, squinting – his vision was kinda… Blurry. What was even on this plate? Where had it come from? “Izzis… Bread?” He picked up what was indeed a piece of bread, sniffed at it, then took a nibble. Yes, this was probably bread. Maybe. Larry slid him some water as he snacked.

“Remember to always be hydrating, bud. It’ll help later when you wake up from this.”

“Thaaaaank yoooou~,” Spongebob sang, doing as he was told. Always be hydrating!! Yes!! He could do that! He’d make Larry proud! He downed his water, afterwards calling out for Sandy. “SANDY! LARRY SAID ALWAYS BE HYDRATING! CAN YOU MAKE ME ANOTHER?”

“I sure can, Spongebob! Whaddaya want?” Spongebob giggled giddily into his hands, swaying a bit. Larry didn’t bother to say anything, instead slapping a hand to his face. It was out of his control now.

“Sex~…” He didn’t finish saying the name of the drink for whatever reason.

“Oh, I’ll bet!” Evelyn laughed, and Abigail swatted at her.

“Oh my gosh, stoppp! Don’t be weird!” One more and he’d be utterly and completely wasted, even if Sandy skimped on the alcohol… Which she wouldn’t. Oh, she did hope he would forgive her in the morning… The brunette fetched him his desired Sex on the Beach, then watched him chug it aaaand…

“WOOOO! NOW THAT IS A DRINK! SEXIN’ ON THE BEACH IS RIGHT!” He stood suddenly then, slamming his hands onto the table, “PATRICK—Whoa…” Standing so fast disoriented him for a moment, but he recovered just as quickly. “PATRICK! LET’S TAKE IT FROM THE TOP, BUDDY! ARE YOU READY?!” Patrick’s head jerked up.

“Wha?”

“CHRISTMAS!”

“Oh—YEAH! Let’s do it!” Patrick eagerly jumped up as well and jogged over to his best friend. They took one another’s hand, both taking a step back in preparation.

“Here we goooo!” Frank grinned, leaning back to appreciate the show. The pair burst out into theatrical song and dance.

“IT’S SHAPING UP TO BE A WONDERFUL HOLIDAY! NOT YOUR NORMAL, AVERAGE EVERYDAY!” Squidward wasn’t in the room to sing his part (not that he would anyway), so someone else did it for him, as was tradition for every Christmas party. Poor Squidward.

“Sounds like someone felled my old coral tree! Spongebob, Patrick, why’d ya do this to me?!”

“THE WORLD FEELS LIKE IT’S IIIIIN LOVERLY~!”

“Go away before I harm you bodily!”

“THIS CHRISTMAS FEELS LIKE THE VERY FIRST CHRISTMAS TO MEEEEEEEE~!” Spongebob was a bit off-key – he was unsurprisingly having trouble controlling his cadence. He and Patrick pranced around, a spectacle for all to see that was only enhanced by Patrick’s snazzy light-up sweater. The crowd was going wild! “THERE’LL BE SHOPPING, DECORATING, AND PLENTY OF SNOW! HEY, PATRICK, WHO’S THAT UNDER THE—“ Spongebob stopped abruptly, leaving Patrick to tumble and narrowly miss colliding with a nearby end table. “… Mistle… toe?” It was as if something connected in his mind at that moment – he stared at a nearby doorway in which mistletoe hung. No one was there, but it seemed like something was processing – perhaps a revelation of sorts. Plankton and Krabs had even stood in preparation to sing their parts, but everyone was left hanging, watching Spongebob.

Bingo.

“HEY, WAITASECOND!” Spongebob began to search the room, distraught. “WHERE’S SQUIDDY?!” It was as if he’d just noticed, even though Squidward hadn’t stepped foot in the room once. The others looked around too. Not everyone was in the dining room – there were many guests littered about the house, all having their own fun, so Squidward could’ve been anywhere. The only real restrictions were the bedrooms upstairs; every other room in the house was open.

While nobody else seemed to know, Sandy did. She’d gone to find Squidward – he’d actually been hanging out upstairs with a book to get away from the noise for a short while. He’d not been there for too long when she’d investigated, so he was likely still there. “I saw him earlier, Sponge,” she said, to which Spongebob rushed to her and grabbed her shoulders.

“Where?! We need ‘im here! How can—how can he do his part?!” He shook her as if it were the direst situation in the universe. It wasn’t like he would do his part anyway, so others did it instead, but that didn’t seem to matter.

“I know! He needs ta stand under the mistletoe, right?” Larry watched as this unfolded before him – she’d planted the seed. It was all over now – they could only guess what might happen. Spongebob stared at her owlishly for a few moments, a little more color filling his cheeks to add to what was already there. Mistletoe… Yeah… His gaze moved behind her to a doorway where he’d hung the festive plant. He missed Squidward… He wanted to cuddle up to him… Why wasn’t he here? Maybe he was busy… But surely he’d spare a little time for his bestest friend in the whole world, right? Mistletoe…

“I wanna…” Spongebob took a very deep inhale. “… Wanna go get ‘im. He needs to join in on the fun! It’s not a party without Squidward! Patrick, buddy, can you cover for me? Make—make sure my snail doesn’t get eaten by the pineapple, okay?”

“Oh—you bet, Sponge! I’ll take real good care of him!” Patrick hadn’t had a single sip of alcohol, but hey. At least he understood it.

They all watched Spongebob run off ungracefully, stumbling and tripping on his journey upstairs. After he’d left, the people at the table began to discuss amongst themselves. “Fifty bucks they kiss,” Fred wagered.

“Ehhh, I dunno. He hasn’t tried it before, has he?” Frank asked.

“Well, who knows, but there’s mistletoe involved here!”

“What if he confesses?”

“That would be a mess. I think he is close to doing it, though, one of these days.”

“Okay, guys, rev up those bets! Let’s see if our boy finally gets some tonight!” Cheers were heard all around. Of course, everyone knew by now – if you saw the two of them interact with any regularity, his crush was plain as day. It had been like this for years; everyone was just waiting for something to happen.

So far, Spongebob had found nobody on the third floor, because it wasn’t a place guests usually went. The first and second floors were the main hangouts, but he wanted to be thorough. Geez… He felt kinda dizzy. His eyes weren’t entirely focused… “Squiiiddyyyy? Are you up heeere?” He called, checking each room. Where could he be? Spongebob needed him, for a lot of reasons! … Should he take his shoes off as a defensive maneuver in case of emergency? OH, but what if Squidward wanted to polish them? He’d better keep them on then, just in case. You never knew if your friend was going to want to polish your shoes. “I—whoa! Pardon me, miss, ah—“ He’d run into a lamp, not a person. Just as he was reaching one of the last rooms in the hallway, none other than Squidward was leaving it. “Oh—!” Spongebob skidded to a halt, and Squidward greeted him upon noticing him.

“Oh, hey, Spongebob. How’s the party going? I must admit, your library only gets more impressive as it grows.” Squidward stopped in the doorway, hooking a thumb in his pocket while shifting his weight to the opposite hip. He slouched just slightly, holding little tension in his shoulders. There was a certain warmth in his normally weary carmine eyes and the corner of his mouth twitched upwards in a half-smirk as he regarded Spongebob. Draped over his lanky frame was a sweater that was a little too large, contrasted by snug jeans. The other stared at him, gaping – he seemed so relaxed! And he was so… Handsome… That sweater looked marvelous on him… Spongebob swore he was blinded by the sheer beauty of it all. And… Wait a second… He was standing under mistletoe! Unless that was a set of keys hanging from the doorframe. But that wouldn’t make any sense. Or would it? But it was totally mistletoe, and… Sandy said… And… Mistletoe…

“Oooh, wow, Squiddy, you sure are lookin’ good tonight,” Spongebob slurred, taking a wobbly step closer. “I just looooove that sweater… I’ve been lookin’ all over for you…”

“Oh? Why-- … Wait a minute.” Squidward squinted down at him – he was sort of acting like… “Are you drunk?” Oh boy. Great. “Already? It’s only 8 o’clock, Spongebob.”

“Nnnoooooo~… I’m not drunk, heehee…” He was nearly salivating – Neptune, Squidward was so—mmph. Squidward simply shook his head.

“You’re hopeless. Anyway, you’ve found me, so we can go back downstairs now.” He’d had enough time to recharge from the social interaction. He wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to deal with an inebriated Spongebob, but eh, he would see. Maybe he’d stick around. It was entertaining to watch Spongebob while he was drunk sometimes. When Spongebob didn’t move aside, Squidward blinked. “Well? What are you waiting for?” Why was Spongebob looking at him like that..?

In Spongebob’s hazy mind, the fact that Squidward hadn’t moved out of the doorway and away from the mistletoe told him that he was definitely interested in making out. It entirely ignored the fact that he was standing in Squidward’s way and that he’d either have to retreat back into the room or push past him to get out from under the decoration. “Ooh, Squiddy,” he purred, “I’d love to… I’m so glad you want it too…” He never said anything of the sort, Spongebob.

At first, Squidward had been about to question why his neighbor was getting breathy over… Going downstairs. Soon, however, he found himself in absolutely no position to ask that question – or any other, for that matter. Before he could speak, the blond had advanced, stepping right up to him and leaning up on his tippy toes to press their bodies together. He ran a hand down Squidward’s chest, blatantly feeling him up, his free arm hooking around his neck to tug him down a little. Squidward was paralyzed with shock – what—? What was happening? Whoa, those bedroom eyes – holy SHRIMP, what was going on—?! Before he knew it, Spongebob had pivoted them a little and backed him up against the doorframe. “I’ll make it good, I promise…” A deep and sultry tone was not something Squidward heard from him often. Before any of this could register, he was met with an entirely new and even more startling sensation.

Spongebob had roughly fisted some of his hair, the other hand clutching his sweater, and yanked him down into a crushingly needy kiss. Squidward’s mind went completely blank, any and all thoughts evaporating instantly. His entire body went rigid and the wind was knocked from his lungs. He didn’t return the kiss – the world around him had disintegrated and he was lost in a sea of nothingness. Time ceased to exist. Was he dreaming? Had he himself gotten drunk and passed out? Where even was he? What was he doing? Who was with him? Who was… What was…

Unrelenting, the blond tugged again at teal locks to tilt Squidward’s head a little more for better access. With the sheer force of the kiss, Squidward had no choice but to kiss back but was entirely unaware of his doing so.

“Mmmm… Mmh… Mm…”

It was only when Spongebob’s muffled noises reached his ears that all at once, reality came crashing down onto him at warp speed. Time went into hyperdrive instead of standing still. Squidward’s heart gave a sharp lurch and his eyes flew open in astonishment for a brief second before they screwed shut once more. Opening his mouth to gasp had been an involuntary mistake – he was then electrified with the feeling of tongue. Not much, though – just a gentle and questioning lick that went no further.

What…

… In the NAME OF DAVEY JONES’S LOCKER WAS GOING ON?!?!

There was… This was… It… Spongebob…

Spongebob…

SPONGEBOB!!!

Spongebob was kissing him! Not just on the cheek, nose, forehead, head, shoulder, or wherever else… But… The LIPS!!! Was this a nightmare? Was he in hell? Had he gone mad? It—

IT STILL WASN’T OVER!

Squidward’s frantic thoughts were now interrupted by the exceedingly prominent physical sensations. He could hear himself panting – his body was boiling up. His face was on fire. He was sweating and his knees were weak. He felt so lightheaded – a feeble noise escaped him while Spongebob’s desperate whimpers filled his ears. He was just now noticing how nice Spongebob smelled – his shampoo and cologne surrounded him with something he didn’t often give much consideration to. The strongest thing he could taste was the alcohol – eugh. There was an underlying fruitiness, however, and beneath that… An indescribable taste that was none other than Spongebob’s own. Spongebob had gotten a little braver with that tongue of his, and oh… The hair-pulling, gah—the hand running down his side—

Why did it feel…

Good?

It was sloppy, it was forceful, it was wet, and it was mindblowing. It was driven by such brazen passion that it was enough to make anyone’s head spin. He just couldn’t refrain from making sounds, which was humiliating, but he didn’t really have time to worry about that when Spongebob was grazing his lower lip with his teeth. He didn’t bite – at least, not yet. Squidward clawed at either side of the wall connected to the doorframe behind him, having needed something to grip onto, although it wasn’t much.

“Squidmmmph…” Spongebob moaned between fervent kisses, relishing in the sweet and heavenly taste of the person he so dearly adored. This was a dream come true! He was so lucky! He never, ever thought he’d get a real chance to kiss Squidward! (And technically, he hadn’t.) This was everything he’d ever wanted… Apparently, all Squidward needed was a little bit of mistletoe to be interested in doing this! Maybe he should carry some around in his pocket!

Why was each enthusiastic and energetic kiss leaving Squidward positively breathless? Why did he kind of sort of maybe not want to stop? Why was this happening in the FIRST PLACE? Why was… Why…

WHY WAS SPONGEBOB A GOOD KISSER?!?!

Who had he been able to PRACTICE with!? It certainly wasn’t Sandy, for obvious reasons! So why wasn’t this more awkward?! Why wasn’t this a pathetic, laughable attempt?! Why was this one of the best kisses he’d ever—NO, DAMNIT! THIS WASN’T—THERE WAS NO WAY IT COULD BE ONE OF THE BEST, NO SIR! It was just heat of the moment! The moment that was NOT GOOD, it was – it was a pitiful display really – he was… He was so amazing with his tongue and lips and teeth and—

Squidward was about ready to collapse. Or scream. Or cry. Or vomit. Or die. Or all five. He’d legitimately just thought of Spongebob Squarepants as being a good kisser. Unironically. Maybe because Spongebob Squarepants was still making out with him. His gut seared with shame and something else he really didn’t want to acknowledge. Every last shred of his sanity had shattered, hadn’t it? Was he hallucinating? He was surely tripping the fuck out, right?

… No.

No, this was the real king of geeky, aggravating losers in the flesh, demonstrating his apparent prowess in the art of French kissing that he’d picked up from literally who knew where. The real Spongebob Squarepants turning Squidward’s mind into a puddle of mush. He was livid for so many reasons, but he was also…

Oh, Neptune, he wasn’t ready for this to end.

To his delight displeasure, Spongebob delivered on that, continuing to treat him to a wild, heart-stopping ride of passion. He loved hated the way Spongebob was tugging at his hair and squeezing his hip. The warm weight of his tiny body pressed against his own proved to be really comfortable detestable. He wasn’t at all attracted by his refreshing unremarkable scent. The sounds he was making were enticingly adorable extraordinarily inappropriate and not something Squidward ever wanted to hear in his entire LIFE.

The day Squidward Tentacles enjoyed a hot makeout session with Spongebob Squarepants was the day he declared himself officially insane beyond all repair. He was a lost cause and he was so disappointed in himself. How could he stoop so low? His mother would be ashamed. It—it was just the pheromones! That was all! He wasn’t really reveling in it – that was DISGUSTING!

… Why did he get the sense he’d recently been through a similar experience of questioning his soundness of mind due to Spongebob? Hadn’t he thought some of these exact same things not too long ago for some other reason?

After what seemed to be eons, Spongebob finally withdrew with a groan. A trail of saliva followed him that he broke by licking his lips. Squidward literally heard himself whine at the loss, and was ready to die of shame in that very instant. They were both gasping for breath, exhausted from their tryst. Squidward could feel Spongebob’s small frame shaking too. “Oh, Squiddy,” the blond breathed, feeling even more intoxicated from the divine taste of his friend’s mouth. Lidded eyes met wide ones. “Thank you for the Churrsmurs… Chr… Mmf…” His voice cracked as he spoke. Squidward noticed how messy the other’s hair had gotten and how it was sticking in his face… How scarlet his cheeks were and the way it lit up his freckles… How his eyes held such endearment and were glazed with desire… “Churrsmurs press’nt… Polishin’ my shoes…” Spongebob tried again, very obviously having great difficulty regaining his composure. “I hope y’liked it… Was good fer ya…” A loopy titter left him. Gee, the room had been spinning for quite a while now! “Mmmph… We can go stairs, uh… Down… Nnuh. Kay?” He had no idea where the stairs were and if he did he’d likely have to crawl down them, but he’d cross that bridge when he got to it. He gingerly took a dumbfounded Squidward’s cheeks into his hands and gave him one last tiny, affectionate peck on the lips before pulling away.

Of course, he stumbled a little, squeaking as he hit the other side of the doorframe – whoa. “Oof…” Gotta be careful with those dresser drawers, their teeth could be sharp sometimes… He recovered, though, and managed to sloooowly stagger down the hallway, until he eventually found the stairs – there they were! Ooh, where did they lead to? Boy, he was so dizzy. He was not going to make it safely down those stairs if he tried to walk. Instead, he merely laid himself on his stomach and dragged himself down, having absolutely zero problems with doing so. He was surfing down the stairs! Shoot, he forgot his boogie board… It was perhaps a sad sight to see, but what else would you expect from someone who was absolutely drunk off their ass and high on pheromones? He was the happiest guy in the whole entire universe. Nothing could bother him. Sandy happened to find him halfway down the second flight of stairs and yelped in alarm.

“Spongebob! Are y’all okay?!” She asked, racing to him and picking the poor sot up in her arms.

“Uh huh~…” Spongebob closed his eyes and curled into her, drooling on her suit. “Squiddy wuz real nice’n polished my shoes fer me… Dinn’t even hafta take ‘em off…” Brows raised as Sandy stared down at him. Polished his shoes… SHE KNEW IT! She KNEW they’d been smooching harder than two rabbits in a den in the beginning of April! SUCCESS! SHE’D DONE IT! SHE HAD FINALLY GOTTEN SQUIDWARD AND SPONGEBOB TO KISS! (Assuming that didn’t mean something else entirely, but that was unlikely.)

… Now to hope Squidward didn’t move out or something crazy like that. But she had a feeling… She could sense it, and she had been able to for a while now. She didn’t think Squidward would be going anywhere. Huff and puff as he might, she could see some inkling of emotion there – it was just buried deep, deep down. Even if she was wrong, hey, at least they tried, and she sincerely doubted Squidward would do anything drastic either way. Hopefully, though, this would give his thoughts on it a little jump start. She also hoped nothing else had happened, like an… Accidental confession. Oh, she prayed. Larry would kill her if that happened. And so would Spongebob, actually. Aaaand probably Squidward. So. She hoped it was just a kiss and nothing more. “Did y’all shine ‘em good?” She tucked Spongebob close and carried him downstairs into the living room, where she then sat herself on the couch and kept him curled up in her lap.

“Mmmhmmm… Reeeal good… This Churrsmurs feels like th’very firs’ Churrsmurs t’meeeeeee~…” Sandy gestured to nearby onlookers to be quiet. Spongebob promptly fell asleep, his mewling snores beginning almost immediately. He was completely conked out. A shame since they didn’t get to see too much of Party Sponge, but they could always give him more drinks later! Hearing Spongebob was back, Larry ran into the room, silently questioning what had happened. Sandy gave him a wink and a thumbs-up. He seemed surprised… And uneasy. But instead of making a fuss, he went to go get a blanket and some water for Spongebob. Hopefully he wouldn’t have too much of a hangover when he awoke. The other partygoers began to either celebrate or lament their loss – money had been on that kiss, and that kiss had happened!

Meanwhile…

Squidward had slid down the doorframe slowly the minute Spongebob left, gawking, staring blankly ahead, a hand over his mouth. He just sat there, flabbergasted and white as a sheet, unable to swallow any of this. There was literally nothing in his head. He was in a state of pure shock.

After a solid two minutes of static, a brief flash of a memory hit him and that was enough to flush his cheeks with a bright crimson and get him onto his feet. Having risen too fast, he reeled, but was able to orient himself and surveyed the area frantically.

He needed to leave. He needed to go home right now. He was going to just leave through the back door – better yet, he could jump out the window and hope for a concussion. However he did it, he just needed to go, before anyone saw him or talked to him or even thought of him. He thanked Neptune that he lived right next door – he didn’t have far to go. Squidward made a break for it, running as fast as he possibly could for the exit. His path was luckily clear until the last hallway, but he ignored whoever was standing there and hurtled the hell out of the cozy pineapple of a house, bubbles forming in his wake.

Upon arriving home, Squidward locked every single door and window in the Moai head, and, quivering slightly, just sat on his bed, head bowed, that same shell-shocked expression on his face.

He was having a great deal of trouble thinking. Five minutes passed and he hadn’t moved, nor processed any sort of thought. It was all just white noise. After a few more minutes, he lay down on his side, wriggling under his plush periwinkle blankets so he was at least… Sort of comfortable. It was then he spotted his teddy bear on the pillow across from him – Spongebob had won that for him when Krabs had bought a crane game to keep at the Krusty Krab.

Spongebob…

Tremoring fingers lifted to trace over his lips and the color ultimately surged back into his cheeks.

Spongebob… Kissed him…

The words now echoed in his head.

Wait; was he positive that had been real? It could’ve been a dream! Hold on, WHY WOULD HE DREAM ABOUT THAT?! EW! NO WAY! But—hold on. If he hadn’t dreamt it… That meant it really happened, right? He knew he wasn’t drunk… So… That could only mean one thing.

He’d actually made out with his neighbor, coworker, enemy, rival, definitely-not-friend. They had exchanged… Saliva. Touched tongues. Speaking of TOUCHING, Spongebob had totally groped his chest! Squidward had felt that! HOW HORRIFYINGLY IMPROPER! And then he’d felt up his side and hip. Squeezed, even! And how roughly he pulled on his hair! How dare he?! How dare he… How dare… How…

Squidward continued to ghost the tips of his fingers over his lips in remembrance.

… Why?

Was it just because he’d been drunk? There was no mistake he’d known who he was kissing, but… What had spurred it aside from the drunkenness? He’d never done that before and he’d been plastered at plenty of parties. Not to excess, but just in general. He was a pretty fun drunk, all things considered – though he did get… Flirty.

Wait.

That was right… Usually he became (even more) clingy and bolder in his flirting. But Squidward wasn’t the only one he attempted to woo! He went for Patrick, Sandy, sometimes Larry… On rare occasions, lamps… But usually, he went for… None other than Squidward. But it didn’t mean anything, right? He was just… That was just how he was, wasn’t it? The fact that he sought out Squidward for the kiss was merely a coincidence. He probably tried to kiss the entire party downstairs! It didn’t mean a single thing!

… That gleam in his eyes… That husky and seductive tone… Squidward shivered. He didn’t think Spongebob had it in him, but apparently… Not that he found it attractive or anything outrageously vile like that! He was simply stupefied by it, seeing as how much of a dork the guy was.

Spongebob had said it was his Christmas present, oddly enough. What did that mean? Why was a kiss from Squidward his Christmas present? Did that imply a kiss with everyone else was, too? Perhaps he meant kissing in general…

“Oh, puh-leeze, Squiddy, you know what he meant,” he growled at himself. Of course he’d meant Squidward specifically. There was no mistake about that. ‘Why’ was the only question to be answered. Maybe there was no reason, though – maybe it was just the booze talking, especially taking into account that he’d followed it by saying ‘thanks for polishing my shoes.’

…

As much as Squidward really didn’t want to contemplate it, he realized there was a very simple explanation to all of this. He wasn’t stupid. He knew it was different with him – even if Spongebob DID kiss everyone at the party, it would be different with Squidward. It would be different because his neighbor so very obviously had a crush. Anyone with half a brain could see it – and it wasn’t new, not by any means. Spongebob had been dropping hints left and right for… Squidward didn’t even know how long. A long while. He didn’t pay too much attention to it because it wasn’t his business. Spongebob had never straight up said anything about it so he had no reason to address it. He didn’t know how deep it ran, nor did he particularly care. It was just there, and he chose to ignore it. But… Because of the crush, that kiss… Meant something.

That passion had been a product of Spongebob’s feelings for him and he knew it. Squidward’s stomach churned. Oh, that was revolting. He would NEVER let it happen again. EVER. Who cared about Spongebob’s feelings anyway?! Eugh, how GROSS! So what if there was meaning behind it? It wasn’t like it mattered!

… How long had Spongebob wanted to do that for?

Squidward recalled their very first Christmas. The song they now held as tradition, much to Squidward’s irritation, originated there. Even back then, Spongebob had been oddly interested in Squidward being under the mistletoe. Jeez, that was years ago… Many years. Had he wanted that all this time? Had he held onto his little crush that long? Unless the infatuation was more recent and that incident had just been him being his weird self…

“… WHY AM I THINKING ABOUT THIS?!” Squidward shouted, clawing at his face. There was literally no reason to mull this over because it wasn’t important! Who cared if Spongebob liked him in a ‘more-than-friends’ manner?! Aside from that notion making him ill, it wasn’t of his concern! It wasn’t like he reciprocated those feelings in ANY way! It was what it was – it wasn’t being addressed and therefore it didn’t matter. It was really, really, really, really insignificant. It probably wasn’t even that big of a crush! WHATEVER! Even if it spurred the action, that wasn’t the important part. The important part was that he had just been kissed by—

Another wave of realization smacked him in the face.

He, Squidward Tentacles, had not only been just making out with his dreaded foe Spongebob Squarepants – he, Squidward Tentacles, had been making shamefully needy noises as he (unintentionally) returned the kiss. He, Squidward Tentacles, had squirmed under Spongebob’s touch as they kissed, and had maybe sort of enjoyed it a little.

He’d. Kissed. Spongebob.

Squidward began to scream at last. It had taken him long enough! So, to the shower it was! Time to wash away the impurity and the sin!

Nearly falling out of bed, he scrambled to the bathroom and dry heaved into the toilet until the nausea passed. He then proceeded to scrub his teeth SO HARD his gums bled. He didn’t care about the pain, SO LONG AS HE CLEANSED HIS MOUTH OF THIS FOULNESS! Afterwards, he paused to take a breath, accidentally thought about the situation, and then resumed his screeching. Those screeches soon devolved into sobs as Squidward hurried for the shower, stripped, and immediately began to scour his body with the soap. “NO! NO! NO! H-HE IS NOT A GOOD KISSER! HE IS NOT A GOOD KISSER! H-HOW DARE HE?! DISGUSTING, DISGUSTING, DISGUSTING!!!” Everything was a blur now. He’d lost his self-respect, his sanity, and his lunch from this debacle. A whole slew of emotions raged within him, some of which he had to desperately try to disregard.

Two hours later, one enervated Squidward hauled himself back to bed sluggishly after his purging was complete. He was going to have ONE HELL OF A TALK with a CERTAIN SOMEONE tomorrow. But wait – how could he even face him? How could he look Spongebob in the eye after such an exchange? How could he acknowledge what they’d done? He couldn’t! He couldn’t, it was too humiliating and – NO. He needed to. He needed to be firm and tell him that… That it should never happen again. And that he absolutely hadn’t liked any of it. And that would be that. Nothing more, nothing less. Or, okay, maybe just a little more yelling and telling him how awful it had been. Yes. That would work. He could do it. He was mortified, but he had to press on. He could only pray that no one else had heard about it… After their talk, he’d pretend this NEVER EVER happened and move on with his life. All he had to do was not think about it. How hard could that be?

The next morning, Squidward was a nervous wreck – one glimpse of his ghastly pallor would tell you that. For reasons beyond his comprehension, his hair would not cooperate today – no matter how much he brushed it, it refused to stay put, as if it wanted to spite him by adding to his disheveled look. Reddened eyes and deep facial lines of fatigue implied quite a few things. His anxiety announced itself emphatically by way of making him run his tense, shaky hands up and down his arms then around his sides and back repeatedly in frenzied motions. Getting to work had been an extremely taxing process – he’d struggled the entire way, and it wasn’t just due to the wintry weather. What if people knew? What if Spongebob said something? What if he wanted more? What if he thought Squidward enjoyed it? WELL HE’D RECTIFY THAT ONE! Because he DIDN’T! And he could look Spongebob straight in the eye and TELL HIM THAT WITH UTMOST SINCERITY! (Hopefully.) It was fine. He’d be fine. It would all be fine. Nobody else knew. It had just been a mistake and would never happen again – he’d make sure of it. Spongebob probably hadn’t even noticed the noises Squidward had made, so there was nothing to be ashamed of! IT WAS FINE.

The worn-down mess of a cashier crept to his station cautiously after forcing himself to enter the double doors, wringing his hands while his eyes darted to and fro. The Krusty Krab was quiet and still. No customers were around yet… Mr. Krabs was in his office… Where was Spongebob?

His question was soon answered by a yawn that caused him to jump.

“Ohh boy…” Speak of the devil – Spongebob toddled along on his way to the kitchen, rubbing at his eyes. He didn’t look as terrible as Squidward did, but he certainly wasn’t at his best. He seemed tired, but otherwise okay. All… Cutely bundled up like that in his snow gear. With his gloves and his hat and his scarf and his coat and his booties… “Morning, Squiddy,” he said, offering him a sleepy smile as he passed. The other was thrown off-guard when Spongebob walked right past him. Without a single mention of the party. What the HELL?! Newly enraged, Squidward called after him.

“SPONGEBOB!” He snapped. The blond pivoted on his heel a few steps away from the kitchen door, blinking.

“Wha huh?” Whoa, Squidward was mad already? What had he done?! Squidward faltered under Spongebob’s inquisitive stare that penetrated his very soul. He took a harsh inhale to steel himself.

“LAST NIGHT…”

“Ohhh! Yeah, some party, huh?” Spongebob nodded with a soft chuckle. That was probably why Squidward looked so rough – he must’ve had a LOT of fun! He was so glad. “I’m just tired ‘cause I kinda drank too much and stayed up a lil’ too late… But it was a good time, right? Were you there when we played Christmas Mad Libs? And then Christmas charades? And then ‘dress a person up as a Christmas tree?’ And then Christmas carol-oke? That was lots of fun, hehe.”

“WHA—No, I—!” Why was he being so casual?! Did he just not care about what had happened?! How could he even think to act this way?! “No, I meant earlier—“

“Ohh, earlier? Umm…” Spongebob’s brow furrowed contemplatively. “Like… Earlier as in… When we marathoned Christmas movies? Oh man, I wanna watch more tonight! I need to see Elf again!”

“NO! Earlier than that, you dunderhead!” Jeez, how long had they partied for?! “Right after dinner or—or whatever!” Squidward noticed Spongebob’s expression turn into that of bewilderment and his blood ran cold.

“… Right after dinner? Ummm…” The Krusty Krab’s star frycook scratched at his head, thinking as hard as he could. “Gee, Squidward, I… I think I remember Sandy gave me a drink during dinner… And then… Uh, I dunno. I think I got tired and took a nap and when I woke up a little later, the real party began! Let me tell you, she makes some killer baybreezes. And the best part is I don’t even have a hangover because Larry helped me keep myself hydrated!” How much Spongebob had imbibed was anyone’s guess – though it likely wasn’t much after he woke up from his nap. He only really drank at parties every now and again, so it was pretty easy to bring out the Party Sponge and put the Anxious Host Sponge to rest.

Squidward gawked in stunned silence. He’d… No way. No way. He’d… Forgotten? Spongebob had entirely forgotten about their encounter?! How… HOW DARE HE?! THIS ASSHOLE HAD THE GALL TO WALTZ IN, KISS HIM SO HARD HE QUESTIONED REALITY, LEAVE, FALL ASLEEP SOMEWHERE, AND FORGET WHAT HAD EVEN HAPPENED?! “Y-yuh… You… You…” Concern crossed Spongebob’s face as Squidward began to twitch.

“… Uh… Squiddy? Why are you twitching like that?”

“Yuh—you—y-y—I—gghh— AAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!!!” Squidward voiced his frustrations once again, yanking at his unruly hair. Spongebob flinched and, with a squeak, instinctively raised his arms to shield himself. Before he could inquire any further, the other stormed off with long strides, seething. Right out of the Krusty Krab and into the mounds of snow that blanketed Bikini Bottom.

“I CANNOT BELIEVE HIM!” Squidward shouted at a nearby snowman, who did not reply. “WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS?! HE—WE—I— DIDN’T IT MEAN SOMETHING TO HIM?!” Cheeks blazing, he covered his mouth with a gloved hand.

Had he really just said that? He just got done insisting it didn’t MATTER what it meant to Spongebob! And it… AND IT DIDN’T! It was just that..! It was downright INSULTING! So Spongebob kisses the guy he likes and FORGETS?! Who would forget about something like that?! Even if the guy he likes hates him, the guy he likes is still super beautiful and fabulous and NOBODY should be able to forget the sizzling experience he’d gift to them! It was a PRESENT, all right! (Oh, don’t be full of yourself, Squidward.) All of that – all of that moaning and biting and licking and grabbing – ALL FOR WHAT?! FOR NOTHING?! HE’D HAD TO ENDURE THAT HELL FOR – FOR NOTHING?! HE HAD TO BE TORTURED BY IT AND SPONGEBOB COULD JUST GO ALONG WITHOUT A CARE IN THE WORLD?!

It was true that Spongebob had forgotten – that part of the night was completely blanked out for him. He was under the impression he drank too much and passed out… Which was precisely the case give or take a few details, and it probably wasn’t the greatest idea to drink more after that, but hey. While he was clueless, their other friends weren’t. Oh no, they most certainly knew. They didn’t tell Spongebob for a specific reason – they really did not want him having a meltdown because they knew what he’d done hadn’t caused any lasting damage, and… It was fun to watch Squidward squirm. Especially in situations like this. So, if asked, they’d all pretend they had no idea either and just enjoy the show. It was a shame, though. Spongebob had his first kiss with the man he loved… And had no recollection of it.

Squidward spent a few minutes kicking at snow while yelling incoherently and snorting like an angry seahorse. Powdery crystals of ice sprayed in every direction during his rampage. The snowman sat there, a motionless observer. It was FINE! He didn’t care! Why would he care?! GOOD! This was GREAT, actually! He didn’t want Spongebob to remember! Because that meant he could just throw the memory away without issue! Without being reminded of it or pestered about it! He could pretend it never happened just like he wanted! He didn’t have to suffer – he could just ignore it, no problem! “Stupid Spongebob! Moron! IDIOT! BARNACLEHEAD!” He was only angry because he’d been subjected to torment and it had all been for naught! It was so RUDE! That guy was a real piece of work! “’I’ve been lookin’ all over for you, Squiddy!’” He mimicked bitterly, still stomping around. The darkened water overhead easily paralleled his mood. “YEAH, WELL, YOU’D BETTER NOT ‘LOOK FOR ME’ AGAIN! EVER! I WON’T ALLOW IT!” He never, EVER wanted more! He never wanted to feel the rushing warmth created by affectionate touches, or breathy sighs against his lips, or hair tickling at his jaw, or arms wound tightly around him, or…

He finally stopped and released a distressed wail, burying his face into his hands. HE WAS SO LONELY! He’d been single for such a long time! Far too long, really, and – wait a second…

It suddenly dawned on him that the only reason he sort of maybe (DIDN’T) enjoy that kiss was because… He was just so deprived of physical contact. Squidward didn’t want it to be Spongebob, he wanted it to be someone else… But Neptune hated him too much to grant him that. He’d almost forgotten what it was like to kiss someone… The reminder was painful. Maybe he should try finding a date again? That way, he wouldn’t have to feel so weird about this kiss with Spongebob, because he knew he was just lonesome and unused to such interactions! Yes… That was it! While it was horrifying to think he’d sunk so low and become so desperate he would even slightly savor any sort of contact with his neighbor, it made some sense given his current relationship status. He sank to his knees, reassured, a hand over his pounding heart.

“Oh, thank Neptune…” Squidward sniffled while rubbing at his face, some tension lifting from his stiff shoulders. “M-maybe I’m not so crazy after all… Just—just pathetically desperate. I… B-but I never want to experience that with him again! I’ll try to – to find someone. And then the joke will be on HIM! HA! He’ll still be a single loser and I won’t be!”

Desperate indeed, Squidward. That’s precisely why you’d been haunted by sexual fantasies of Spongebob masturbating when you found his collection of adult items some months ago. Desperation. That had been repressed, though, as this too might be. At the time, he’d been unyielding in his assertion that there was no way he was needy enough to daydream about Spongebob and the fact that he had was only due to his discovery forcing the repulsive imagery upon him. Now, he was relieved by the fact that he had ‘only liked it because he was lonely and needy.’ An interesting development, to be sure.

He’d run out of steam – it was time to go back inside. Eased by his realization, he would put all of this behind him and forget about it just like Spongebob did. The snowman, having grown tired of Squidward’s antics, turned and slid away, leaving him. A scoff sounded. “Puh. Some help he was. Snowmen are always so flaky.” He paused, and was then unable to prevent himself from snickering at his fortuitous pun. “Heh. Flaky. Snowmen, hahah. Oh, Squiddy, you are a true genius. You may be a deplorable pile of garbage, but you’re a damn genius.”

Spongebob watched his friend return through the kitchen window, his head resting in his arms which were propped up on the sill. To his astonishment, Squidward seemed to be in a much better mood now – his shoulders were no longer up to his ears and there was a swagger in his step. “Maybe he just needed to vent,” the blond mused, having seen his tantrum outside. What about last night could have possibly invoked such wrath? It was hard to tell just why he was upset sometimes, because what he said wasn’t always the truth. Even if there was obviously more to the story, it didn’t mean Spongebob would be able to figure it all out. It was distressing because all he wanted was Squidward’s happiness… He just had to keep trying his best to provide him with love and care.

“Spongebob.” He was wrenched back into reality by Squidward marching right over, placing his hands either side of Spongebob’s elbows, and leaning down just slightly with a triumphant smirk on his face. The other jerked back a little.

“Ah—?”

“You know that I hate you, right?” Squidward asked in a voice as sweet as honey – a tone that didn’t match his words in the least.

“Uh… Oh, uhm… Yeah?” Spongebob managed, feeling just slightly intimidated by such a direct approach paired with – well, you know. Hearing ‘I hate you’ wasn’t always that pleasant.

“And you know I’m not interested in ever doing anything of any sort with you, right?” Squidward had to be careful with what he said – he didn’t want to mistakenly lead Spongebob to believe something happened last night that he’d forgotten about.

“Uh huh?” Spongebob squirmed in discomfort. Satisfied, Squidward turned around to man his post.

“Good. I just wanted to remind you.” Ahhh, there! All better! Now that was cleared up! All he had left to do was destroy the memory. Spongebob sighed and padded back to his station as well. Squidward had been in such a good mood last night, too… He wondered if something happened. He had tried to make that party perfect, but perhaps he’d screwed up somehow. He sure hoped not. Either way, Squidward seemed okay now..? So it was likely best to leave it be.

The rest of the day went by without incident. Patrick swung by the Krusty Krab to invite Spongebob to go sledding with him to which he happily agreed – at the end of their shift, he donned his stupidly cute winter outfit and waved to Squidward before leaving. Ignoring him, Squidward headed home to relax and revitalize. That would henceforth be the motto: ignore Spongebob. Over the next couple of days, his attempt to do so was actually going decently well – he kept himself distracted, paying no attention to Spongebob and trying not to think about the thing until one afternoon when Sadie Asbury and Jennifer Millie walked into the Krusty Krab…

The pair entered holding hands, and they initially didn’t quite approach the counter – they stood back, studying the menu. “What did you want, sweetie?” Sadie asked. Squidward’s gaze flickered upwards from his magazine – they were huddled awfully close… It was cold, but…

“I don’t know, babe… I kind of wanted to try something different today…” Squidward’s brows rose steadily. Since when were they dating? That was news. He was a total sucker for gossip, so he paid attention to these things just in case something juicy was going on. Still, it wasn’t all that fascinating until a few moments later when Jennifer took Sadie’s face in her hands, giggling.

“Heehee! Do you know how red your cheeks are? It’s so cute!”

“Wha—hey, it was cold out! I’m trying to decide, c’mon!” Despite her protests, Sadie laughed in kind. Squidward couldn’t help but watch as Jennifer leaned in and kissed both of Sadie’s red cheeks, her nose, and then her lips. It was a brief gesture of endearment, but it caused Squidward to twitch and blush all the same. A sigh from behind him took him by surprise.

“Awww…” Spongebob, who had come to deliver an order, was looking on from the window with a dreamy expression, his cheek smushed into his palm. “How cute… So she did end up asking her out! Gosh, I’m so happy for them…”

“GAH!” Squidward’s cry attracted attention from not only Spongebob, but the women in question. “Spongebob what—“ He whipped around and, after taking one glance at his coworker, made a strange choking noise that stopped his sentence in its tracks. He had been avoiding looking at Spongebob for more than very brief periods for days now. In failing that, and making eye-contact to boot, he was instantly reminded of the thing.

For some reason, the sight of him just – something about – was his tie looser than normal? His hair seemed shinier too… And was that shirt tighter and more form-fitting than the others he owned? Was he hallucinating or—? Holy shrimp, was that cologne? Or was that his soap? Or maybe it was his natural aroma?! Why did it smell so AMBROSIAL now?! It wasn’t like Squidward never actually noticed the way he smelled; it had just become so oddly prominent since the thing! And WHOA, WHOA, WAIT A SECOND. HOLD ON A MINUTE. Glasses?! Since when did… Glasses—! DORKY, GEEKY, thick, black square frames that illuminated the stunning blue of his irises. That was—they were—he knew they existed, but Spongebob rarely wore them to work! He used his contacts more often than not! But wow, they looked really… Maybe he should wear them more often… The guy wasn’t doing anything but standing there, and yet—!

What Squidward is seeing: “Oh, I’m sorry, Squidward, I was just so distracted~… Did you need something~..?” Sparkles float about the kitchen while sexy jazz music plays in the background. Spongebob has cutely knocked his glasses askew with the hand that was pressed to his cheek. His spatula dangles daintily from the hand brought to his chest. He bats his long eyelashes as he speaks in an airy and teasing manner. His smile is demure, but there is a veiled playfulness that flickers within his cerulean depths. Half of his shirt is unbuttoned his tie is undone for no explicable reason.

What is actually happening: “Um, Squidward? Is everything alright?” Spongebob asks, concerned and terribly perplexed. He stands up straight, tilting his head just slightly as he waits for an answer. His shirt is of normal tightness and his tie is correctly drawn to his neck. Nothing is out of the ordinary. He is not about to start dropping patties ‘accidentally’ in order to flaunt his rear whilst picking them up or anything of the sort. He is simply standing there.

Poseidon help him, Spongebob’s lips looked so soft… The worst part was that Squidward now knew they actually were. Try as he might to bleach his brain, the knowledge remained. So pink and full… Slightly parted… Given a slight sheen from the lights… Just begging for a ki—

And at that point he’d had about enough. Squidward clasped his hands over his mouth with a look of sheer mortification. He’d gone a nice rich shade of crimson. With no hesitation, he leapt over the side of the cashier’s boat and ran for the bathroom. By some miracle, it was empty. He stumbled over to the sink and used it for support, wheezing, a tremble surging through his body. “C-c-calm down Squiddy, calm— calm— pull yourself together—“ He splashed cold water on his face to combat the scorching heat. “What am I THINKING?!” What method of sorcery was this?! What spell had Spongebob cast upon him?! Perhaps it was how utterly bewitching his gaze could be? Or maybe… “NO. Stop – enough.” He took the deepest possible breath he could to cease the downward spiral of his tumultuous thoughts. It was alright. All that happened was that he saw a couple kissing and there was NO need to freak out. The incident was still fresh so naturally, he’d be reminded of it. Everything was cool. He wasn’t thinking weird things about Spongebob and if he were, he didn’t mean it – his brain was just… Mixed up! He’d be okay. Easy. Deep breaths.

He felt weak… Oh, and FISHPASTE, he’d made a huge scene! He could hardly believe how badly this whole thing was fucking him up. He really had lost it and he could only wonder how he’d managed to sink lower than he ever imagined possible. Inevitably, Spongebob had been overcome by worry for his best friend, and his dramatic entrance of calling out the other’s name created another kerfluffle and poor Squidward ended up on the floor. “SQUIDWARD?! OH MY STARS AND GARTERS, ARE YOU SICK OR SOMETHING?! WHAT’S WRONG!?” Spongebob knelt down beside him and gripped his shoulders, panic-stricken. Rather than answering, Squidward merely dropped his head and panted, struggling to regulate his system. “Squid—guh—I’m—what…” Spongebob stuttered a few times, but in seeing he was getting no responses, instead forced himself to do the same to reduce the sky-high tension in the room.

The pair soon quieted themselves, and after a few moments of silent recalibrating, Squidward smacked Spongebob’s hands away and stood up, blinking away the unbidden tears in his eyes. “Don’t touch me,” he growled. “I’m fine. It’s none of your business. Leave me ALONE. I just have… A bit of a fever or something, and it’s making me feel weird. It’ll pass, and I DON’T need you mollycoddling me over a silly little flu. And if you dare say one word, Spongebob, so help me. Do. Not.” Gods above, HE needed a drink. A lot of them, actually. Or maybe he didn’t, since he was already fucking horrendously delusional. He half-wondered if he really did have the flu or if someone was secretly spiking his food or something. Gee, this all felt REALLY familiar for some reason… Though he wasn’t looking at Spongebob, he could hear tiny sniffles, but he was too furious and baffled by it all to care. Of course he was crying. What a shock. … Oh well. At least humiliating himself in front of customers was nothing new… And at least Spongebob was listening for once.

Squidward turned to leave, hoping the customers would shrug off what they’d just witnessed, but to his ever-present luck, he was met with their boss.

“Hold it RIGHT there, Mister Squidward! WHAT is goin’ on with you boys?! Yer leavin’ the customers by themselves out there! What’s all this fuss? Why’s Spongebob cryin’ on the floor? Why’d yeh go scarin’ me customers, Squidward? What is the problem here?!” The burly blue-clad man stood with arms crossed and foot a-tappin’. Eugene was none too happy – their antics were interfering with the flow of money! If only it weren’t so expensive to hire extra employees for when his first mates went AWOL…

“There is no PROBLEM, Mr. Krabs.” Squidward forcefully pushed past him, hands balled into fists at his sides. He refused to look at anyone, instead choosing a nice spot on the floor to stare at, wishing his cheeks would stop burning. “I think I’ve come down with the flu. That’s all. I was feeling a bit faint. I’m fine now.”

“The flu?! OH no, no employee of mine is gonna be contaminatin’ the food, the money, or the customers! Get yer hindquarters OUTTA HERE, Mister Squidward!” Eugene instructed, pointing to the front doors. He didn’t have to tell Squidward twice, that was for sure. In all honesty, he knew that it wasn’t a flu that had his employee all ruffled… But he’d begrudgingly allow it to run its course rather than say anything about it. If it was stirring things this much, maybe it would lead the two closer to an answer for their relationship. Maybe they’d finally get together and stop wasting so much damn time on this song and dance – then they’d make him more money since they wouldn’t have to keep disrupting things with it!

Squidward was slightly surprised by his boss’s allowance, but wasted no time in taking flight. Any and all stares and whispers were disregarded as he trudged right out of the restaurant to his boat while trying not to cry, his boots crunching loudly in the snow. It was fine. He hadn’t just made a complete imbecile of himself. No, no, NO. Time to go home. Time to take the week off and sleep the entire time.

Still sitting on the bathroom floor, Spongebob shuddered in distress – why wasn’t he allowed to help? Was Squidward really sick or was it something else? This was scary! He sniveled. Eugene helped him up and offered him a handkerchief. “Don’t worry about it, lad. It isn’t really that serious. He’ll be alright; he just needs some time to ‘imself. Try lettin’ him come to yeh when he’s ready, okay? It ain’t personal – he just ain’t feelin’ well and you know how that goes.” Krabs rolled his eyes. How crabby Squidward could become was astounding at times. His opinion was that the guy needed a good smack or five to set him straight, but he doubted it would work.

“Bu—bu—is he… D-do you know what’s going on..?” Spongebob wiped at his face with the handkerchief, still giving quiet hiccups and shaky sighs. Squidward ignoring him wasn’t all that shocking, but today’s reaction was so strange, and combined with the day after the party… He just couldn’t figure it out. He wanted to know!

“Well, I haven’t heard of any flus goin’ around, but with this blasted weather, I don’t doubt it,” Eugene said, glancing over at Spongebob. There was a pause when green met blue.

“… Are you sure?” Spongebob asked in a muffled voice from behind the handkerchief that he’d pressed over his nose and mouth, his watery eyes trained intently on the other. Eugene opened his mouth to respond, but at first, nothing came. He could tell… Spongebob knew. The boy was fully aware that it wasn’t a flu that was plaguing Squidward. He wasn’t stupid – okay, well, at times he could be, but he could also be very insightful and incisive. In that moment, Eugene wanted to tell him – he felt bad for him, and just… Oh, what a fine mess this was. Telling the truth would only worsen things; while it would explain Squidward’s moodiness, Spongebob would just be so utterly destroyed knowing he’d done that and even more wounded by the reaction it got and it just… It wasn’t worth it. It wasn’t worth breaking the poor thing with anxiety because it really wasn’t that big of a deal. If Squidward told him, that would be handled accordingly, but the chances of that were slim to none. Squidward could take care of himself. His hissy fit would fizzle out soon. And maybe, just maybe, he’d learn a damn thing or two from it. This whole ‘not-so-secretly in love with Squidward’ situation would eventually hit a turning point… It was certainly ramping up. He hoped that it would wind up being beneficial for Spongebob. If only he could persuade him to chase anyone other than Squidward! Ah, but attempts at that had failed so far, and would continue to fail so long as Spongebob held out hope that there was a prospect of being with him.

Exhaling, Eugene reached out and gave Spongebob’s shoulder a solid squeeze, compassion gracing his features. “… No. I’m not sure, Spongebob. It could be anything. But, whatever it is, just let it be. It’ll pass.” Clearly, Spongebob wasn’t happy with this answer. He clutched the kerchief as he lowered it, his lip wibbling again.

“But—“

“No.” Eugene pressed a finger to his lips to shush him straightaway. “No, Spongebob.” A whine. “No. I know yer worried, but you need to stop. Go read a book or watch TV or whatever it is that you kids do. Just go clear yer head and stop tryin’ to fix something that doesn’t need to be fixed! Let him do it on his own.” Spongebob tried to protest no further. He only wilted – that wasn’t what he wanted to hear, but… Maybe Mr. Krabs was right. Maybe it was just something he had to let go of. It was hard because he was afraid he’d done something wrong, but… Squidward probably wasn’t going to tell him, so there was nothing he could do no matter what.

“… Aye aye, sir…”

“Good boy! Now off with yeh, go make me some money! And it’s Christmastime y’know – go look at lights or go ornament shoppin’ after work! Do something fun, treat yerself! Forget about that old stick-in-the-mud!” Eugene guffawed then, thumping his employee on the back so hard it knocked him off-balance.

“Wah! Uh—I…” With the force of the gesture, his glasses were knocked slightly down the bridge of his nose – after adjusting them, he chewed on his lip thoughtfully. Well… That did sound pretty fun… He did love going around the city to see all the lights! As long as he bundled up, he could window shop and maybe buy some presents for people! “I… Yeah. Okay, yeah, you’re right! I will!” A resolute nod. He just had to put his mind to something else – he could go see the FAKE SANTA! Those were like the real Santa, except they were just his helpers and they were all over the world! They looked similar to him but you knew it was a helper if he was working at someplace like a mall. The real Santa only had time to visit peoples’ houses on Christmas Eve, after all! He gasped. “MR. KRABS! Did the helper Santa set his workshop up at the mall yet?!” Eugene watched in relief as life and enthusiasm returned to Spongebob.

“Err, I dunno. I think so! You should go check later! Just finish rakin’ in the dough for today first. And if yeh see Pearlie when yer there… Please tell ‘er to stop spendin’ all me money!” He groaned at the mere thought of it. She had her own job and she was STILL using his money! Little bloodsucker… Took after her father, she did. He was proud, but his wallet sure wasn’t. Spongebob gave a little laugh.

“Will do, sir! I’M READY! ORDER UUUUUUUP!” He cheered, jogging back to his post to turn those customers’ frowns UPSIDE-DOWN! The thought of talking to Santa (or in this case, Santa’s assistant) was totally revving him up! He couldn’t WAIT! He was grateful to have Mr. Krabs to lean on for advice. He was feeling better already!

“I can’t believe this. I can’t. What was I doing earlier? Why was—was his shirt really unbutto—OF COURSE IT WASN’T, YOU ABSOLUTE KELP-FOR-BRAINS! What is the MATTER with me?! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?! I’VE DONE NOTHING WRONG! I don’t deserve this! This agony, this woe – it’s ENTIRELY unjustified! I have been nothing but a compassionate and kind person, and THIS IS THE THANKS I GET?! Thoughts of—of SPONGEBOB OF ALL PEOPLE?! And not only that, but having to endure a KISS from him!? I’VE GOT A REAL BONE TO PICK WITH YOU, KING NEPTUNE! His—he—it’s HIS fault for wearing those GLASSES and for being so IMPROPER as to UNDO HIS SHIRT AND TIE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WORKDAY! POLISH HIS SHOES, WHY I NEVER! AND THEN HE FORGETS! WHAT AN ASSHOLE! I HATE HIM SO DAMN MUCH! I HATE HIM, I HATE HIM, I HATE HIM! HE DOES NOTHING BUT CAUSE ME ANGUISH! HE’S SO FUCKING INFURIATING AND RUDE AND IGNORANT AND IMBECILIC AND DISMISSIVE OF FEELINGS AND DISRESPECTFUL OF BOUNDARIES AND CLINGY AND PUSHY AND ATTENTION-HUNGRY AND SELFISH AND EGOTISTICAL AND PRESUMPTUOUS AND FUCK!! FUCK HIM! I DESPISE EVERY FIBER OF HIS BEING! SOMEONE LIKE HIM DOESN’T DESERVE ME! I’M TOO GOOD FOR HIM! I SHOULD HAVE ONLY THE BEST! HE’S NOTHING BUT A BOTTOMFEEDER AND HE ISN’T EVEN WORTHY OF BREATHING THE SAME WATER AS I DO! HOW DARE HE MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY?! HOW DARE HE RESORT TO UNDERHANDED TRICKERY TO MAKE ME—TO MAKE ME FEEL—AND SORT OF THINK HE’S—AGH! NO! Don’t fall for it, Squiddy! He’s not—it’s FINE! IT’S SO FUCKING FINE THAT I’M GOING TO FUCKING, JUST, FORGET ABOUT IT! IT HONESTLY NEVER EVEN HAPPENED AND I CAN JUST GO ON HATING HIM LIKE USUAL! I WON’T NEED TO DISGRACE MYSELF IN FRONT OF OTHERS BECAUSE I WON’T HAVE ANY WEIRD ASS THOUGHTS! LOOK, I’LL EVEN PROVE IT RIGHT NOW—“

Squidward was ranting and raving at the top of his lungs, doing anything to try to expel this unspeakable sickness that poisoned his body and mind. He was storming about his house, throwing anything unbreakable he could find. Upon making his eighteenth lap around his home, he circled back to his television whilst evading fallen objects, plopped his ass right down on the couch, and in some crazy, desperate attempt to prove that this wasn’t at all affecting him, turned on a romance movie. In order to calm his blistering blood, he panted harshly, bubbles forming each time his chest heaved. His teal tresses were completely ruffled and wild from him running about and pulling at them. He was so unkempt and out-of-sorts and it was so damn hot he was this close to running outside and faceplanting in the snow. … In all honesty, that was actually a good idea.

The beginning of the movie was mild enough that Squidward was able to ease his ragged breaths and fall into a stoic stillness. The main characters met one another and blah blah blah falling in love blah wacky antics blah blah. It was when they started getting closer that he became nervous. It was okay. Just two characters realizing their feelings for each other and going out on a date. Nothing wild or crazy here. “T… Take it easy, Squiddy old boy… Perhaps doing this today wasn’t the best idea…” He was still jittery from earlier. Soon, the time for the first kiss came, and he held his breath – here it was. The moment of truth. Carmine eyes were glued to the television as the pair embraced, running their hands over one another’s bodies, crooning affectionately in each other’s ears… The main character first kissed up their partner’s neck, then along their jawline to their chin… Their lips met, and Squidward swallowed thickly. It was a sensual, romantic kiss. It didn’t last for too long, and when they pulled back, they smiled, laughed, and held each other tight. This one was definitely more intimate than what he’d seen at the Krusty Krab.

His gaze gradually lowered after the scene ended. Trying his best to prevent himself from blushing, he stared down at his lap, hands clenched into fists. He breathed a puff of water. Unfortunately, his efforts to stop the heat were wasted – he reddened significantly as he processed the scene. Breathe… Calm… Breathe…

…

His kiss with Spongebob had been more of the needy, frenzied and passionate kind rather than the slow and sensual… What would it be like if..?

Naturally, Squidward began to shriek at the notion. This was becoming such a frequent occurrence that it was a wonder Neptune didn’t hear him all the way from Atlantis.

WHAT WAS THAT THOUGHT JUST NOW?! He’d FAILED! He’d utterly and wholly FAILED! Such a simple test – FAILED! WHY WAS IT SO DIFFICULT TO STOP THINKING ABOUT THE DAMN KISS?! WHY HAD HE JUST IMAGINED ANOTHER?! He had TOTALLY just envisioned what it would be like to have that sort of serene and languid kiss with Spongebob! Oh, NEPTUNE! He’d legitimately imagined HIMSELF… Holding Spongebob tight… Running his hand down his back to rest just above his tailbone… While Spongebob’s hands roam aimlessly around his torso in turn… And Spongebob smiles and giggles softly against his lips between kisses… Then Spongebob moves to kiss lazily at his jaw and neck, and then nuzzles his collarbone…

This ended in him flopping onto his side in defeat and merely bawling into his hands. This was too much. It was EXCRUCIATING. He hated this – hated every second of it – hated the person causing it, hated that he couldn’t stop these invasive thoughts, hated that he was so weak, hated that he’d stooped so low, hated that his mind had apparently deteriorated altogether, hated the sick part of himself that seemed to like it, hated the fact that he was single and craved affection, hated the fact that he couldn’t fucking control himself in any capacity and repeatedly made an utter buffoon of himself in public, hated the nightmarish visions his mind conjured up, hated the fact that Spongebob had dared kiss him in the first place… He needed to call his therapist. Pronto. She’d know what to do. Maybe she could hypnotize him into forgetting? She likely didn’t have any specialization in that, but it was worth a shot to ask…

Squidward’s overdramatic and excessively volatile reactions to the subject of Spongebob would seem outlandish to anyone. They were unnecessary and unreasonable. They were undeserved and unfair to Spongebob. They were unhealthy for the both of them. Yes, Spongebob could be incredibly annoying, and disliking him was one thing – savage hostility and resentment that was expressed so consistently, even sans provocation, was another. While there was no excuse for his behavior, there was a reason.

An obvious reason would be how persistent Spongebob was – not only could his personality be entirely grating, but he also didn’t always know when to quit. He could be sort of oblivious and had trouble distinguishing boundaries. If someone was already cross with him and he kept on pestering them, it would only cause more issues. He had improved over the years, but he still had work to do in that area.

There was a deeper reason than that, however.

Ironically, Spongebob reminded Squidward of himself; everything he’d been taught to hate within himself. While perhaps difficult to believe, it was the truth – he had once been similar to Spongebob. He had once been unashamed in feeling and expressing enthusiasm and exuberance. While he did still hold passion for things, he forced himself to taper a lot of his excitement.

His mentor had been Squilliam Fancyson III. They’d dated back in college, and Squilliam refused to be seen with Squidward if he acted in what was considered an ‘embarrassing and uncool’ manner. No longer was he allowed to jump for joy – instead, he had to construct a pretentious and ‘adultlike’ persona. He could not enjoy things that were deemed as childish or lowbrow. He was not allowed to do ‘cringeworthy and immature’ things such as talk loudly with excitement over something, hop about in delight, or act in any way that wasn’t cool, collected and sophisticated. If he did anything of the sort, he’d be reprimanded. He had to be an adult, and adults didn’t show such emotions.

Spongebob proudly flaunted everything Squidward had been forced to conceal. Spongebob was permitted to be juvenile and carefree and jubilant and passionate and energetic and…

Squidward resented it. It roused a lot of negative feelings within him that were extremely hard to deal with, and thusly presented as anger, reinforced by the ingrained adult façade. At the same time, however, he secretly found it refreshing and endearing and… He longed to feel that way again. To break down these harmful ideals and to stop hiding his emotions. To stop hurting people. To be happy again. To live again. Maybe being a kid, a goofball, a wingnut, and a Knucklehead McSpazatron wasn’t all that bad.

Spongebob Squarepants was a good person. He was sweet, kind and caring. He always did his best to help others and prioritized them over himself. He strove to make people smile and brighten up their days. He was talented, entertaining and driven. While naïve and exasperating, he was still lovable – he had flaws, just like anyone else. Underneath it all, Squidward knew that he cared for his neighbor a great deal and was truly grateful for his generosity and devotion… And he really was so sorry for being such a despicable asshole to him. A friend who wasn’t a friend. A loser who didn’t deserve anything he was given. He kept repeating the same mistakes and he wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to make up for it. He hated Spongebob, but he loved him too.

That being said, that was all… Mostly… On a platonic level. Going any further than that reactivated his defenses and suppressed those feelings – though to be fair, they were usually suppressed regardless. Romantic was a step too close and it would turn his entire world and everything he knew upside down. Liking him in a platonic way was hard enough to accept – how could he even ATTEMPT to think about anything else? Squidward had denial on top of his denial and it was bundled up in rage and depression. Spongebob was annoyingly immature and he hated him, and those were the facts. He’d never been interested in him and never would be, and those were the facts. He’d always just see him as a moronic coworker and neighbor that he perhaps inwardly appreciated, and those were the facts. It had been this way for many years and it wouldn’t change, especially not from some stupid kiss.

There was no possible way he could feel something like that for someone he despised so much! It made absolutely zero sense. Imagining a relationship with him was nauseating – why would he ever want to spend time with him or touch him or share a bed with him or go on dates with him or ANY of that garbage? If others wanted to, whatever. While he questioned their tastes, it was neither here nor there. As for HIMSELF? Oh no, absolutely NOT. Spongebob’s desires be damned – it wasn’t going to happen. Ever. Not in this lifetime, not in the next lifetime, not in the one after that. Never. He would surely get over his little crush and move on when someone else came along – it wasn’t worth it to make himself queasy by contemplating the notion.

Squidward cried for a good hour, overwhelmed, confused and consumed by the ravenous maw of self-pity. He couldn’t handle this; he wasn’t ready. There were too many things to face… Not only did he have to work through and decipher his feelings with Spongebob, but also his feelings with himself and his past. It was all tangled up in a forebodingly gargantuan, gnarled knot that he had to try to dismantle. There was no sense in getting into it… Spongebob had forgotten about this kiss and he sure as HELL would not be reminding him, ever, at all. It was best to just bury this and never address anything. That way, so long as Spongebob never brought anything up, they could all continue on their merry ways and everything would stay the same and he’d never be required to face that knot.  

The television, left unattended, pulsed with a soft glow, giving off restful background noise. The unintelligible chatter drowned out his heavy-hearted sniffles and sobs – only the blowing of his nose rose above it. By the time he’d exhausted himself, used tissues littered the area and the blanket he’d gotten drooped off of the couch and pooled on the floor near his feet. Everything hurt. The box of chocolate was now empty. He pushed himself up and staggered over to the front door. White flurries greeted him when he opened it, clinging to his shirt as they pleased. He could barely see due to how swollen his eyes had become, but he figured the snow looked deep enough…

He promptly allowed himself to fall facefirst into the pristine drifts.

While Squidward locked himself up at home to brood, Spongebob preoccupied himself by going shopping and seeing Santa after work. This continued for the next couple of days. Staying inside didn’t seem to hold a lot of relief for Squidward – while at least he didn’t have to suffer through going to the Krusty Krab and seeing Spongebob, it was just… Nothing helped. He was miserable for so many reasons. Not even his fuzzy bathrobe, chocolates and foreign dramas were working! Numerous things were tried, but not a single one assuaged him. He eventually decided that he should go outside and get the flow of some fresh currents, even if it was just for a short while…

It was flurrying. Flakes fell gingerly from above, enveloping the vast expanse of the seafloor in a soft silence. Such a silence was almost resounding. The currents rustled some leaves of kelp every so often and animals hid away in their homes. There was a satisfying heaviness in the water. The scenery was truly picturesque and it was… Soothing. Things were still and tranquil… He got a little lost in staring at all of the glowing lights strung on nearby houses. Since he had first made sure Spongebob wasn’t home before he ventured outside, he knew he was safe. He wanted to… Go into town though, maybe. Go shopping. A shopping trip would do him some good, yeah? He could look at art supplies and new clarinets… Yes. Shopping it was. He’d treat himself. Lord knew he needed it. He spent a little while cleaning off his boat and taking in his surroundings. As Squidward slid into the driver’s seat, he prayed he wouldn’t encounter too many lovey-dovey couples lest his fragile mind shatter more than it already had.

The city was hustling and bustling as per usual. Everyone was bundled up, head to toe, to shield themselves from the cold weather. Many folks were struggling under the weight of gifts, hailing taxies for their endless bags of presents. Others seemed to prefer window shopping, and were significantly less burdened. The streets and sidewalks were slushy and wet from snow, and salt crunched beneath many a passerby’s shoe. Christmas decorations were everywhere – lights and garland were hung on numerous buildings and trees, café signs had little gingerbread men and snowflakes drawn on them, and holiday music floated out between the opening and closing of store doors. Squidward headed straight for the music store – perusing the instruments would cheer him right up! It always did! The little bell on the door chimed as he walked in, and the shopkeeper greeted him from behind the counter. “Heyyyy! Zere he is! Squidward, où étais-tu passé, mon ami? It has been three weeks, I was getting worried!” A tired and crooked smile was Squidward’s response.

“Sorry. I’ve been terribly busy – you know how it is,” he said in a low voice, ambling over to one of the display cases, hands in his coat pockets. He’d known Julien for a long time now – he frequented the art and music stores in the area and had familiarized himself with the workers there. He enjoyed their company whenever he went, as they all had good taste and provided interesting conversation.

“Oh, oui, je sais. Ze holidays are always so hectic – it is difficult to get anything done! I am telling you, it is—AH! Squidward – you look terrible! Oh la vache de mer, have you been doing alright?!”

Squidward blinked – did he really look that rough? Yikes, how embarrassing… He’d better cover up some more. He pulled his scarf up to his nose, but not before daring a peek at his reflection in the glass of the case. “… Oh,” he unwittingly said aloud. Yes, yep. Uh huh. Mmhmm. He had absolutely left the house without taking much a look at himself and without making himself even remotely presentable enough for being in public. Why, again? Luckily, his hat covered his wild hair, but his face was an entirely different story. His cheeks seemed more sunken than usual. His nose was red from not only the cold, but very plainly from blowing it so much with how the blotchy color formed around his nostrils. His eyes were the true offender; they were bloodshot as could be and puffy to HELL and back with the skin around the corners being quite irritated. He honestly looked as if he’d been punched more than once. There was a pause as he inwardly panicked, searching for an excuse for his woebegone countenance, before he found an easy one: “… I’m, ah, sick.” Smooth. Nice. It was the easiest and yet the most believable coverup in the book, and it lined up with what he’d told Mr. Krabs! … Not that Julien would know that, but still.

“Zhen why are you out of bed?!” Julien chided, placing his hands on his hips. “You should not be wandering about, exposing yourself to Neptune knows what else! You need rest, not clarinet reeds!”

“I-it looks worse than it actually is, I promise!” Squidward held up his hands defensively. “Listen, I’m fine. I took some medicine and I’ve been in bed for days.” Both statements were actually true. “I’m finally feeling a little better and wanted to go out for a bit.” A lie; more like he wasn’t feeling better and was trying to by going out. Julien scrutinized him skeptically.

“… Hmph. So stubborn, you are. Just remember to look after yourself. Dans ce cas-là, while you are here, were you looking for something in particular?” Whew. Safe. Squidward cleared his scratchy throat.

“Not really… I might buy another instrument soon, though…” Maybe he should try something new. He’d never give up his clarinet, of course, but he wanted to try some other instruments too.

“Oh, oui? Do you know what kind you would like to try?”

“It might be time to get myself something in the piano family. I won’t buy it today – I’ll come back later in the week.” An early Christmas present? Yeah, his mood was improving already! He’d learn how to properly play the piano, and it would be FANTASTIC.

“OH~! MAGNIFIQUE~! Ici, ici! I will show you what I have!” Chirping in delight, Julien pranced over to his customer and tugged him along to eagerly show him the displays.

Meanwhile…

“… And Mr. Krabs wants another pony with saddlebags full of money. I know he got that last year, but he says he wants another. Okay, next, Sandy wants a HP Proliant ML350 G9 server – the uhh, one with Intel Xeon E5-2640 v3 Octa-core 2.60 GHz 16GB DDR4 SDRAM. Whew. That was a mouthful. Okay. Ah, Pearl wants front-row tickets to a Boys Who Cry concert with backstage passes. Larry wants a new—“

“Kid, could ya hurry it up a little? I hate to rush you, but there’s a line.”

Upon being interrupted, Spongebob looked up from his list to a slightly exasperated Santa. “Huh?” He turned his head a little to scan the amount of people waiting to see good ol’ Kris Kringle. “Oh, oops! I’m sorry! I’ll go for today! I made sure everyone already sent their letters to Santa, but I like telling you too, just in case. You got all that, right?”

“Yes, son,” Santa sighed, “I got all of it.”

“Great!! Thank you so much!” Spongebob hopped out of Santa’s lap, pleased with what he’d gotten done. Going through the entire list took a little while, so he’d been visiting the mall every day to see him! He still had gifts to buy too, oh… He really had to get on that! He hustled out of the mall, deciding he wanted to go check out the pet store first and window shop along the way. It was still snowing, but it had slowed down a bit. Something about the twinkling lights made his chest ache longingly.

He began his journey, strolling leisurely with his hands stuffed into his pockets and his eyes trained on every storefront he passed. “Maybe I should drop by one of the music stores in a while to see what I can get Squiddy this year…” Speaking of, he sure hoped he was okay… If not, he’d just have to cheer him up with the Best Christmas Present Ever™! “Ooh~!” Some attractive sweaters in a store window gave him pause, and he halted his trip to admire them. Once done, he resumed his walk, only to repeat the process as he made his way down.

Squidward, on the other hand, had left the music shop to go elsewhere. While pleased with his newfound knowledge of pianos, he now found himself surrounded with the thing he most wanted to avoid…

Love.

The streets were crawling with couples. Advertisements oozed romance and love of all kinds – after all, the holidays emphasized spending time with loved ones. He could visit his mother all he wanted – it was the ads with the kissing and the cuddling and the proposing that bothered him. Not to mention the mistletoe hanging all around – oh Neptune, he was getting flashbacks! He was beginning to grow flustered – his mood worsened with each display of affection he passed. Damnit, there went his progress. He’d anticipated this, but it still felt shitty… He just had to make it to the arts and crafts store. It wasn’t too far away now. He could do this – focus, Squidward! Eyes straight ahead! Think of the doilies! THINK OF YOUR DOILY COLLECTION, SQUIDWARD!

It would soon be apparent that this was the wrong time for a romp in the city.

Up ahead, he spotted someone positively glued to a store window, which at first, he didn’t think much of. They were bouncing on their heels with their hands and face pressed against the glass, making noises of delight and��wait a minute… That outfit sure did look familiar… The colorful teal, yellow and white wool hat, complete with pompom and earflaps… The matching striped scarf that had fringes at the end… The black peacoat that flared out a bit at the waist and went down to midthigh… The maroon leggings and the black snow boots with the straps on the sides… Squidward stopped dead in his tracks, which caused the person behind him to run into him.

“’Ey, buddy! Watch where yer goin’, will ya?” The stranger sneered as he shoved past him. Squidward didn’t have time to retort – he was too busy staring at the figure in front of the toy store. He couldn’t quite see their face as it was smushed against the window. It couldn’t be… Surely not—no, there were certainly others who owned an outfit as such! Still, though – and – oh no. Were those… Blond wisps of hair poking out from under his hat? Without realizing it, he had walked closer, and when the person pulled back enough that he could see their profile, the beating of his heart ceased.

As if that blue couldn’t get any brighter – his eyes were sparkling with wonder and amazement over the humongous tree cleverly adorned with toys in the store’s display. That smile was going to split his damn face in two one of these days. His cheeks were warm with joy, and his long nose nearly touched the glass that was fogged by his visible puffs of breath… To his credit, he had every right to be in awe – that tree was stunning.

Almost as stunning as the person standing before it.

When Spongebob began to pull away from the store, Squidward realized it was more than time to make himself scarce. He frantically ducked into a nearby alleyway, managing to get out of line of sight moments before the other waltzed on past. He watched him leave, probably looking like a total fucking creep as he was peering around the corner of the alleyway to do so, and all he could think about was… Just… Spongebob. Why was it always Spongebob?!

Shopping spree = bad idea. Very bad idea. Back to the house it was.

By the time he got there, Squidward had gone numb. His brain had utterly shut down in exhaustion from the multitude of intense emotions. The lights were left off when he entered his home. He grabbed his Teddy from the couch and brought him upstairs – curiously enough, he’d been clinging to that thing more often as of late… One could only wonder why – it certainly had nothing to do with the fact that it was a gift from Spongebob. It was just a stuffed animal, and stuffed animals were comforting. Right?

After undressing, Squidward lay in bed with Teddy close to his chest, staring at the ceiling vacantly. He could feel no emotion – that could potentially be considered a perk of full mental shutdown.

Spongebob was… Something else. He really was.

He didn’t know what to make of this. He didn’t understand his feelings, he didn’t know what sort of potion he’d drank to cause this, he didn’t know why Spongebob had a crush on him, he didn’t know why everything was throwing him for such a loop, he didn’t know… Anything, really.

Time for sleep. Before long, he’d recover from this, and hopefully forget about it. Spongebob would no longer have to worry about him, and things would go back to normal. With luck, Squidward would bury and forget about this incident. He’d forget he ever felt weird things for Spongebob fucking Squarepants and continue on hating him. Never again would they find themselves under mistletoe while Spongebob was drunk. Squidward would not have to face his inner demons.

… He was going to skip next week’s Very First Christmas™ party. Just to be safe.

[babyawacs]

they are germans they find degrading alibis to repeat crimes and steal sgerman @all @world @ap @reuters @bbc_whys @france24 @haaretzcom @snowden #german #fengshui @phoenix_de @bild @bild_de they are germans whow ouldve letem even touch didthey imply you like toget molested by cockroaches threehudnred ti mes a day  in store in class onthe road incinemas and if the barricades are inthe way then around an intel sneaky shit access somewhere you! yes you! the aeh s s s s ss e x m a n i a c  then dogs then something else itisnt just the deed with intelcom a itisntjsut thatthey quell immunisation to isintjust thatthe y quell daytime charing it as victimblame howbatshit nuts youar e and here another confirmation forit it is german sgerman  sgermany so they try to tax it as frivolous life centerpoin t while killing you and from money earned with things they dama mge allalong ok ok ok ok ok back tothe pedo trick  until an other trick works itis g e r m a n you have not the f ucking idea whatthey do usually and why they get away 20 years with this shit evenifits daytim ehcharged eu wide ten years  and swampwide five years you just think its whackamole or a mmmystery or somekindof  fate aeh german?feng?shui?... //// childfoolbrainmess 1 615 1610 after murder frigne suffocaitonpoison itis germany m aybe sticky peaks of a potato reminded them how childfoolish youmsutbe bombout gaser stuff fffffffffffem  a l l l l l l l l they got onsite a l l then jailem foolbrai ndaamamager slapdown  repeats out loud: childfool damamge tem plates on suffocation killtricks is not very helpful. maybe i am incompetent  i didnot even notice that the civillian deed types what im botchting allthe time iso got used to that //// iiiam suffocating fidnth emix lympahtic behdinear  sqwueezeeeem /// bombout gaser stuffemtheirmix galore and squeezeem fidnthe stuff inhair an donthe clowns ~uickly quiclkkly shuffles alibimix usually  b ackleg heartkill implants are as critical as locked down gut s again compeltely itis murder tricks  murder with wal lgasings mruder with xraybeams murder with implant tricks mu rder with any mengele trick operate it threethousand times a year every year then suffocateit more tooperateit more it is murder tricks intensified efforted constant m u r d e r tricks barely shuffled away with other accesss itis like rapers host rapes then see if they can use it for a crim inalisation blame like poisoning you dull to host grann y germancure takeaway his rights sgerman sgermanyitis bbbbbbbbbbastardmonstrous tothe core and beyond and if they ca nuse kids intokillzones where they usually effort murdertricks theyd blame the kid too as thei r fault or bad parenting itis german itis germany itis exactly that what your forefathers felt this bbbbbbbastardm onstours sinister deviouscored amorphuoous shifting shuffling dev ious monstercore with shuffled parts of it and someare r e a l l y sorry  some only occasionally but inthe meanw hile the worst things happen as if a ufo harassed you then nothing was again  ortheyre sorry again ifyouforced em to th en someone else it is not like kontagan victims dying i nthe ghetto sowhat itis blaming them they tookthe stuff vol untarily and are they addicted tothe stuff before they were born germanness you must hold em to higher standards and so that their crippled arms dothat for themselves fortheir own good idontknow how else to stabilise this devious monster  ishouldnt and shouldnt want to think of soldier draft tim e that allthat couldve been wouldve been you wouldnve neverk nown they wouldve died like flies early age and that wouldbe their duty and sole purpose an dthey cannot even grasp how devious and wrong it is  but theyd gladly throw another generation intothe fire and you youknow it //// biosensors checkit 1550+-10 1540 thesubdued dige stivesystem with ehartaimed tricks with xray intoheart and l eftchest withpathogen trickeries damamged all to fragile w aht does the biosensor show gutslock effects atleast /// thismail stalled 1527: xraybeamtrick 1527 fromwhere which tpype beforemore pathogen gasing tricks and heart catapulted stuff /// bburden heart mess oily mess? 229¿ /// 222am xraybeamfrom //// thegerman govt averts systematically a pap ertrail for themess t h e m cause and make as daytime charged 2015 "verursacher" in shitcops charging "systematischer urheber der lage und der vorfaelle is t"  echr2800/10 eu humanrights court too uptill 3781/20 echr ///// check if behind earlympahtic aimed is pathogen trick again #name #without #face whois ortmaier, diebold andother nameswithout face as drugs andmixes as typed interoxidaustausch behind earlympahtic poisons arsenit cyancali stichnin nanofi nedusts andsuch ortmaier was or wouldbe about hightech tanks o ver a bridge ?!? in a theme //// thegerman govt plujs timecontrol accomplice know fortune knowinventions quelleither avert papertrail in alltheme sses causethemessallalong shuffled proxies  effort years of govermnment things to cut down the victimised survivor oftheme ss then externalities forced em tomeasure up against their o wn criminal agenda thenits goodcop badcop quelling their proxies barely or barely enough abit for now yes? youre the pro s  howbad isit //// the ea rlmypahtic aimedpoisosn are arsenide cycancali stichnin int eroxidaustausch  cellsuffocaiton murdertricks are as common a s nanofinedust asbestos and other killtricks deedtyped th e fix thatmadeit b a r e l y breathable imminent morning fix was hemolyt but after damamge suffocaiton nights damamge done allis bad its bad stuff allofit  this is usually deed ty ped //// what does it damage? bytheme staged organfail ges tuftes organversagen butisay its trombosis emboly dehydration mu rdertrick maybe kidneys too windows aimed xray beam is car or frontbuidlign likely nazi radar or beta itis efforted mur der tricks for months years deed typed ///// someofth emesses are inexplicable like minor mischief where pretend matt ers more with goodintent messing withourt learning effect against pretend but amplified rec onfirmation that or total morons and hideous murderers itis a constant effort on something that was not  with allthe dam amges shut down subdued it was not why shouldit letalone lympahtic+centerbacklow+ alibi  itsnotpossible itsnot measura ble usually /// ican still barely crap itis shutdown subd ued centerbacklowdigestive system it normalises abit but tisno t as usually orbefore itis a murder kill trick murder gram py thisis the only trick they got awaywith  their alibi wo uld be sthlike crapping 2times a day  is why they shut it do wn so its  germancured t r y i n g t o five times aday be hind earlymphatic +centerbakclow sithe poison usually rightn ow maybe heartrlelevant resubdue again 0017 //// find da amage erasers earlier weeksmonths headimapcts damamges turnba ckclocndamamges too fixable? //// heavy betaray or radar again 2153 murder trick with plausible deniability intel murder heart aimed headaimed leftchestaimed above abovead jacent corner maybewidowaimed findit ///// xray beam m urdertrickery whichtype abvoe aboveajadancent knows //// xray beam killtrick heartaimed whichdamamvge isit else lym pahtic ear+hand aimed mix maybe nonhostile thistime above a djacent corner betaray? //// mixes 1910+-3 is gaser and a bove is /// xraybeam trick killtirck heartaimed oncemore t he civillian must find it out they throw oneday bum lidokain atit and dammamge germancure op erate the bloodvesssels so fearnot  use the chance what a nutb um itis to report whatthey harm allalong //// billionaire marriage quality until imademy own billions  then the sleaziest hooker bum onthe globe //// @norway @norwegia .@fisa .@n orway @judge .@judge @judges @ap @reuters @bbc_whys @france24 @ haaretzcom @snowden example: itisntjust underdeveloped fools, itis (!)did never and (!)would have never developed. and that in a world where intels control the population with cookingfore head arbitrarily literally willynilly. letalone in a deeply sophisticated educated discipline d case cmon now youknow its one example of the most declinate able cases they shuffle stigmas they shuffle harms they sh uffle proxies because itis  i n t e l  itis whihc trick w orks this time with all authorities as dependents under cont rol doing whatthey want with peasantry as civil population whhhyyyyy!!!!! r o b u s t o  AND creamy?! @norway @norwegia .@fisa .@norway @judge .@judge @judges @ap @reuters @bbc_whys @france24 @haaretzcom @snowden aha!!!! peanutbutter between nuts batshit nuts! but... why?! t he brand?! r o b u s t o  a n d creamy that that that a dunno thatsgotta mean sth ... right?... ********* without ac cess mess average,median, and mean identificationtimeframes with ai. and by experience  ** ******* with access to the case:  ///// find xraybeamtri ck allda ylikely beta or radar bythe way lawyers ofmine ** ***** make sure germans cannot use doc-ification everagain with utmost severe consequences but for things they wait longer than three years threemonths th ree days younameit andforemost eachofthem signs under oath th e  i  n  t e l terrors witnessed including whatthe civillian demystified and them   pokemon openmouth woa + wtf ********** trickery with docification as game for find sth youcan dist ort twistlater to justify a shitball while allalong itis intel murder that is over orthey hang with the scums symbolicall y (notliterally) ///// tinitus from deceit trick allday wh atisit this time momfool brainwashaway fof fortune mom th eperverted doing moms itsalljsut a dream yourenot you tonaswinn ihave dismal transvetite emotions and want to be molested by horny germans because theyre so german and im so terribly not german what is it this time again //// ffind backleg tricks for boner implan t remtoeocntroleld itisntjsut biting hemmmorides itis buzzin g installs tactically timed to what xray murder beam killtr ick fromcockroach above aboveadjancent is priority ///// itis unusually mild since anhour or two whosnew usually its poisons damamges suffocations xraybeam terror find xrayb eam killtrick fromabove aboveajdancent and window aimed oth erwise miraclemild I am Christian KISS BabyAWACS – Raw Inde pendent Sophistication #THINKTANK + #INTEL #HELLHOLE #BLOG http s://www.BabyAWACS.com/ Inquiry@BabyAWACS.com PHONE / FAX +493 212 611 34 64 Helpful? Pay. Support. Donnate. paypal.me/Chris tianKiss ///// gaser is likely xray to terrorise or and fr ame something stuff them their mix galore chekc ifthey host a cockroach clown german  //// repalcedphone sucks whofu cktit bbombout xray murderer and disgust messer   1607 a s xraymurderer gaser beam messer 1550+-10 ///// replacedph one 1525 heartaimed 1526 /// 1524 pathogen murder relelva nt? //// a piece of crud druged me drowsy agian 1515+-5 stuffemtheirown mix g a l o r e if cockroach germ an cockroach efforts imminent danger itis bad choice regretta bly itis effort cockroach dont touch the wall do nt tocuhthat guy find sth else todo ///// medics those spikes are r e s t i n g heartrates itis surprising that the fitnesstracker identifies heart on edge itis not howitis without damamged hbeart itdoesnt have even coffee or other t hings that could pushit up itis resting recovery and critic al heartonedge allalong btw //// lawyers make em sign or r eadoutloud this is the eigth year on edge of existence and its been a joy to see him struggle o n 200amonth with billions on the accounts micromanaged from 67 billions to 90billions recently but he court demanded acc ess to his own fortune with intiative fromwithin the bubble an d against not a missed formality immunisation but agaisnt a quelled quelled immunisation keeping him that way  is intent yes and itis a joy tos ee how he struggles the eigth year on 200 amonth and yes we w ant to tax his billions or someow chain it or sex it or someh ow killit anything aslong as we can pillage it see? abit h onesty  howlikely willthey admit the obvious //// oh please for thegermans its suicide whenyou cut 50bucks from foodmoney everymontbh not toget a malgam teethfills they urgently rescue you from imminent starvation death the 8th year  than give you access to your own court demanded fortune  they imminently take away your r ights that a german that quells any fucking ebay sale or booksal e germancures you urgently they dont store miracles of m icromanagement cutting chowpennies topayoff bullshit idont even o we realtime they see  c on f u s i o n it just  mysteriou sly somehow always adds up and somehow micromanages chowpennie s for abit semisafe IT hardware and phone for s o m e t h i n g not too contract chain bondin g  they are confused by complexmicromanaging but get a c c ce s ss s to damamge you to alzh eimer granny because thats tthats how they lockaway the gra nnies inthis very shithole so whynot inthiscase too youknow em andifnot then thenby now today this veryday fortun e access avertedby who 22pm-2208 shoudlveshown 15billion fo rtune a  sixth of my totalfortune what didit show storeit notarstampit sowhat isaw publish it iput it asclose tomout haspossible as on local bank once that efforted fraudit taxit as nutbum threeyears ago ///// store onlinebanking 22 00pm@+8 itshould show 15billion  a sixth of my total fortune did it show sth realtime if so what //// disintegrated wall and tape matters checkfor xray tricks and calculateback the gray s for a l l l l cumulated  #suffocator #squeeze  #crayo n #maccaroni #advice #right #ominuous #obscurity #is #a #conflict @ap @reuters @bbc_whys @fr ance24 @fisa @law @harvard_law @all @world #crayonMaccaroniAdvi ce  unknow obscurity is a conflict theme in intelccoma test helmet themes buildit around the issue ****** a is it known then  b issue:  trait: yes or no? c issue: trait : instead? how ******** dont misuse it for bad the stat eofmind point a to g  point a to h is critical inthis too sm ashwords.com/books/view/552210 I am Christian KISS B abyAWACS – Raw Independent Sophistication #THINKTANK + #INTEL # HELLHOLE #BLOG https://www.BabyAWACS.com/ Inquiry@BabyAWACS.co m PHONE / FAX +493212 611 34 64 Helpful? Pay. Support. Donnat e. paypal.me/ChristianKiss //// youdont freeze disobey tee nagers into a tube because thbey wouldve been executed fortheir deed you make sure its understood what happened  waht it will mean for him her what it f e e l s w h a t it l e a d s to and then learning effect then orientation pe rson with routine away from the bad this //// btw fix hea rtonedge frombacklegtricks  regenerate donot add oldwounds m engele mess checkalso finedust harms nano finedust what does it dowith veinwall bloodsupply //// they mustve implied Sexu ality in their assaults its inexplicable #lawyers .@law  @law . @laws .@harvard_law @ap @reuters @bbc_whys @france24 @snowden @ haaretzcom separate it clearly that itis not sexuality but th em imply that that thereisno frivolous gains but them imply t hat that even if some would fit preference, does not undo allthe assaults that are beyond good and evil that it iiiiis about them and that all knew that  ** ***** the gain the benefit the what for was in something els e than about that guy  letalone about sexuality ofthat guy *** **** this.  is probably not separated clearly checkthat yo ure the pro s  /// dont get nuts over it, its not so complic ated: because. it. is. intel. it.is .all about. which. trick. works. thistime. get furio us about it  not nuts about it itis layer1 causing authorit ies with control accomplice rapedmolested damamged themselves whatthey can  host layer2 cockroaches immunsied todowhat wish hope pretend youre their under human candowhattheywant with civillians usually willalways try sth . coordinated more orless or invited orhosted only as prox ies dont get nuts about it get mad about it isuggest: a ser o tolerance dont touch it. offthewalls. off the health. itdoesntmatter what youwant whatyoupretend what youtry donttouchit. if youre support coordinate with support your ideas are: /// what doyou do about 19years of microscopy while they sh uffled sexual asssault  then someone germancures your nuts to a smeary fatty or sth because they s u s p e c t something this. itisntjust shuffled sexual assault itisntjust deedt yped allalong iit is deedtyped after daytimecharging it  repeat edly risking allmyrights and anything to because thecausi ng authorities quell the charging and thefix  the fix is letm ore and shuffle more sexual assault and try togive it an ali bi nomatter how counterfactuall this. what is against this.   //// lawyers ofmine  ******** had one single trick worked unthinkable what wouldhappen next: disassemble this t rick ie: because we declare him nuts we dont compensate what we overtape allalong because h e aeh molests little furry sexcat s and sex hedgehogs, we must not compensate what we damage ra pe and smear. this ********** had one trick worked unthi nkable ////// #lawyers  law .@laws .@harvard_law @ap @reuters @bbc_whys @france24 @snowden @haaretzcom what is the st ate ofmind of the charged government: when they just have to find a trick that puts you inyo urplace a trick that you give up  atrick that resets your brain a trick that shows they dominat e you and you must obey like youhave no choice  this is the st ateofmind this itis idontcare whatthey fake idont ca re howthey goodcop badcop idontcare how they play sorry the yrenot this. is their stateofmind what do you do about it it explains a long long lattice of messes and dirty tricks furthermore ////// #sexland #sex #land @all @world @gl obe @booking  .@law .@laws .@harvard_law @ap @reuters @bbc_why s @france24 @snowden @haaretzcom youjustdont getit the germa n goverment rapes thecivil population that is not immunised against  intel coma s wheres the news they porn the c r a p out of em they sell em as sexslave on intelcoma if th ey can they preplan their careerrs and setemup who exploits who first and benefits how they controlem like forehead bra incooked fools like children like fools they hold as underhu man exploitable underhumans that is the basis of it all whe n a civillian daytime charged the basis oftheir security system: they did any harm they remot ely had then used proxies then played good cop bad cop hunting them ebcause we forced em to and this is the basis ofthe case guilty liable causin g criminal governments that dowhatthey want withthe civil p opulation charged daytime for staying damamges and coverup and hightheft using their security system as prison gig trick is that clear now itis not a single case itisnot the german hookerofthe land itis one of 60million abused civillians tha t charged the crap out of em for whatthey did here with the civil population for70years ////// btw2  get allthe clown s offmy privacy  superprivacy i n t i m a c y  the scums me ld their perverts onthe case and see if later daytiem anything is confirmation tothat thenit s confirmed orsth jail asstoyer dicktoyermolester itis di sgusting cockroaches that reinterpret on deeply intimate things after raping and pedo sexual assaulting nomatter how often ida ytime chbarge it i am furious  about it the cockroac hes braindamamge forehead and suffocate the c r a po outof me and damamge eraseme ihate em its legit to  and iam furi ous about it idaytime chargedit atleastfive times locally a nd fivetimes eu they shuffle sexual assault repeat humilia te and seee how pervert you are coifirmation i hate them idontlive by hate minors wemust rescue but  the scums get offfffthe case andif wehave tohunt the scums for the auth orities the authroties gotojailwithem they host em coverem anyway host em whenthey cant tax it a trickfailed then itnen sified pedo tricks thisishowit works its  criminal g overnment  authrotieis criminal authorities shuffling proxies guilty liable accomplice control usually maybe unbriefed f ools that get shit into their head to mess wit an excuse sero tolerance with sexual  abuse sexual assault th e authorities do their job and hunt thweir cockroaches a nd if we must theygotojailwith the scums they sat and le t rapes poisosn rapes galore arbitrary whattttheywant whowant s cinema grocerystore chameber arbitrary rapoes rape i nschool and cinema arbtirary rtape ******** rape allthtime manytiems deedtyped w e force them to huntheir c ockroach german cockroaches thatthey are withthe authroities or they gotojail  both withthe scums when wemust huntem an this we must do ***************** //// lawyers that is 90billion euro s fortune of earned tbhings with what icould ninety billion before like 67billion do you wonder wha t scums would do when they think its vulnerable or get access with a trick  beit separating it away from that guy they dowa ht they want with and act like its mysteriously created not f rom what thatguy could and did it is ninety billion a sha re of which wealth generated you donot make it vulnerable to anyone a matter of granted or not granted if a trick works   or sth itis daytime court demanded ina mess where they quel l immunisation and quzelled the case intothe daytimebubble inth e firstplace they shuffle tricks like bum med s or braind amamged fool careers and its just your own fault that you mysteriously didnt pick a dayfool ca reer while allrealdeal wouldnt matter this shit you get off me and you get rational about what kinds of scums will a l w a y s try sth about the fortune if it seems ar bitrary separated away fromthat guy and thatguys performance systemic trickery to be g r a n t e d  maybe when he doestn rememeber or is incapacitated and allthese shits if he as d ayfoolsomehow something they trashcan killtrick and harm and hookertrick and degrade as if the fortune wouldnt be real and asif i daytime demanded my ufo or sth seriously. h arden the fortune from bullshit systemic ornot bust separat ion tricks of fortune and thatguy performance of thatguy separa tedaway and be rational about what scums will a l w a y s try sth that is ************* 90billion from th is very head of what icould and the yeffort braindamage and heartkill and bum meds and gurtslock andpathogens and tobe granted or not separation of fortune and performance asif im a fo ol they put in a frozen tube and keepthemoney trick at best th efffff ff f f f f f f f ff f f f f f involve serious in surances and reinsurers ifnecessary include atomic hardening serobullshits agaisnt fraudsystems and criminal govts and thanks forall *************** / //// what mom theme is the theme ididnt know moms or sth and ididntmind  itis agerman shitball about underdevelopment usu ally or perversions or sth asif you sense mom s or sth because thats what you surely want thatkindof german ness //// lawyers because imminent danger and war is so severely bad en ough i say no capital punishments whenever possible:! a l w a y s no capital punishment no deathpentalty scums go tojail cant be fun in there important is they understand they dodged capital punishment for real I am Christian KISS BabyAWACS – Raw Independent Sophistication #THINKTANK + #INTEL #HELLHOL E #BLOG https://www.BabyAWACS.com/ Inquiry@BabyAWACS.com PHON E / FAX +493212 611 34 64 Helpful? Pay. Support. Donnate. pay pal.me/ChristianKiss //// xraybeam trick heartaimed //// 1634 repair? or leechery /// pathogen murderer gases 151 8 batih above abovesdjancent or cirucitboard. squeezetheockroac h shifted from xraytrick before //// xray murderbeam beta highpowered orand transmutation 1500 1511 above aboveadjkacen t knows I am Christian KISS BabyAWACS – Raw Independent Sophistication #THINKTANK + #INTEL #HELLHOLE #BLOG https://www. BabyAWACS.com/ Inquiry@BabyAWACS.com PHONE / FAX +493212 611 3 4 64 Helpful? Pay. Support. Donnate. paypal.me/ChristianKiss /// after which damage and degradation would #you! have s aid: "mmaaayn adunno.. allthe beer and stuff and their fhaaantastic cars drivingby .. but youkn ow.. ikinda miss my genitals..." for them it makes sense /// / intelligence genomes more from the mother  usually has a lso some implications of why it is as it is shewas morelike l isa simpson and dodged studying inthe 70s because parent got ill and died then got hepatitis next year then met my dad with his heavymotor bike  another life spoiled (haha) /// the glorious german careers with t hose stamps visualise it /// it wouldbe epic justice if g ermans would try to pillgage the case but oneof their earlier d amage tricks fucks em instead letalone any invention after w hich staying harms it doesnt work both ways, einstein can be cooked to a fool but a fool cann ot be einstein as extreme example //// this howthey are mustve been obviosu other cases too ofreailtime botch things #f ailed #virginity #test #2001 .@law @harvard_law @ap @reuters @bbc_whys @france24 @haaretzcom @snowden .@fisa @judge .@judge @judges  because the germans damage their civillians fairly arbitrarily and cover these wit h standard stigmas thisis how it really is allalong ***** l ets find the cover alibis like retard stamps itis a stigma dyslectic me!! (nickname schnellschreiber 3rd/felt abit artificial bllah) but dyslectic- i t is ? a stigma ***** virginity ?! meh. unless its a stigma  one shitball bites  the other but that doesnt keepe m from right. then. getting away with something damnthe fact uality basis I am Christian KISS BabyAWACS – Raw Independ ent Sophistication #THINKTANK + #INTEL #HELLHOLE #BLOG https://ww w.BabyAWACS.com/ Inquiry@BabyAWACS.com PHONE / FAX +493212 6 11 34 64 Helpful? Pay. Support. Donnate. paypal.me/ChristianKi ss /// demand a hook on abstracthumour abstract analysis fromfools they  dont getit toooousually /// backlegv to genital implant is hiughly heartkill relelvant makesur e theresno damamge added so gutslock gutsusdudue rmeotecontroll ed the technology is masseldorn badenser whale landesverfa ssungsschutz //// squeeze lympahtic aimer 2310+-2 its like eastern sexdrug orso //// xraybeam heartaimedd leftche staimed radar or beta transmutation allthetime as 20pm 20 20 2040 2245 allthetime //// store onlinebanking 210 0+-7 woa backleg heartkillrelelvant 2107 acesser squeeze aft er this mail: "whatis hkkaz,hkcaz,hkccs abbreviations inthe local bank account wahtis fortune amount total" //// which fortune sums over which timeframes  make sure its no tarstamped courtusable and when daytimedemanded daytime court d emanded iget damaged chav harmed all the time find xra ybeamtrick 2040 20pm-2020pm //// authorites gotojail when wemust hunt pathogen murderer above for em letaloneif theaut hroites grant em access or cause thekilltrick ///theyarenot c ompetent they shuffle scums that try sth. pathogen murderer above 1500 stuffhimthemix galore . allofit onsite .  who was onthe case 12,000persons andthefinest another good indication for intel #sex #sexual #potence #balls #trick @ap @reuters @bbc_whys @france24 .@world @world @all because itis intel itis which trick works. batshitnuts? crim inal? terrorist? pedo? fool? alljust adream nowhy was sth be cause itis intel which trick works has a l w a y s beenthe game isuspect people know  but thats not the case youmay count the shuffled harms priming (itis a chip bring all banan as: academic: wtf?!??why everyone throwing banaanas atme) fra ming (as the transvestite that he is, yousee he has long hair: you: theffffff?!?!???) woodbride (he sits alone inhis chamber and designs bride dresses for his great wedding day ahead. which may eventually occur s o m e d a y/ he hopes it increases his sexual potence if he adds al lkinds of balls on it blah) smashwords.com/books/view/552210 /// howmany harms like guts and genitals and ass and face bone were from 2004 it was bad and experiment killit  but it wasnot these 5years intnsified killtricks with shuffled any harm leecheries morbusmake  ba cklegheartdiease poisons xrays mengeles  pathogens  lympahti c aimed tricks gutssubdue dozens of headimacts nanofinedut s obscure tricks like lifetime leech and fibrin leech andsuch  and interoxid austausch arsenide suffocate trisk  itis con stant try anything that it dies whichtrick thistime with pla usible deniability I am Christian KISS BabyAWACS – Raw Inde pendent Sophistication #THINKTANK + #INTEL #HELLHOLE #BLOG http s://www.BabyAWACS.com/ Inquiry@BabyAWACS.com PHONE / FAX +4932 12 611 34 64 Helpful? Pay. Support. Donnate. paypal.me/Christi anKiss /// because itis intel itis which trick works. bat shitnuts? criminal? terrorist? pedo? fool? alljust adream nowhy was sth because itis intel which trick works has a l w a y s beenthegame isuspect people know  but thats not the c ase youmay count the shuffled harms priming (itis a chip bri ng all bananas: academic: wtf?!??why everyone throwing banaanas atme) framing (as the transvestite that he is, yousee he has long hair: you: theffffff?!?!???) woodbride (he sits alone i nhis chamber and designs bride dresses for his great wedding day ahead. which may eventually o ccur s o m e d a y/ he hopes it increases his sexual potence if he adds allkinds of balls on it blah) smashwords.com/books/view/552210 /// howmany harms like guts and genitals and ass and facebone were from 20 04 it was bad and experiment killit  but itwasnot these 5ye ars intnsified killtricks with shuffled any harm leecheries m orbusmake  backlegheartdiease poisons xrays mengeles  pathog ens  lympahtic aimed tricks gutssubdue dozens of headimacts nanofineduts obscure tricks like lifetime leech and fibrin l eech andsuch  and interoxid austausch arsenide suffocate trisk   itis constant try anything that it dies whichtrick thisti me with plausible deniability I am Christian KISS BabyAWAC S – Raw Independent Sophistication #THINKTANK + #INTEL #HELLHOL E #BLOG https://www.BabyAWACS.com/ Inquiry@BabyAWACS.com PHONE / FAX +493212 611 34 64 Helpful? Pay. Support. Donnate. paypa l.me/ChristianKiss I am Christian KISS BabyAWACS – Raw Ind ependent Sophistication #THINKTANK + #INTEL #HELLHOLE #BLOG htt ps://www.BabyAWACS.com/ Inquiry@BabyAWACS.com PHONE / FAX +493 212 611 34 64 Helpful? Pay. Support. Donnate. paypal.me/Chris tianKiss I am Christian KISS BabyAWACS – Raw Independent Sop histication #THINKTANK + #INTEL #HELLHOLE #BLOG https://www.Bab yAWACS.com/ Inquiry@BabyAWACS.com PHONE / FAX +493212 611 34 6 4 Helpful? Pay. Support. Donnate. paypal.me/ChristianKiss I a m Christian KISS BabyAWACS – Raw Independent Sophistication # THINKTANK + #INTEL #HELLHOLE #BLOG https://www.BabyAWACS.com/ Inquiry@BabyAWACS.com PHONE / FAX +493212 611 34 64 Helpful? P ay. Support. Donnate. paypal.me/ChristianKiss I am Christian KISS BabyAWACS – Raw Independent Sophistication #THINKTANK + #INTEL #HELLHOLE #BLOG https://www.BabyAWACS.com/ Inquiry@Baby AWACS.com PHONE / FAX +493212 611 34 64 Helpful? Pay. Support. Donnate. paypal.me/ChristianKiss

they are germans they find degrading alibis to repeat crimes and steal sgerman @all @world @ap @reuters @bbc_whys @france24 @haaretzcom @snowden #german #fengshui @phoenix_de @bild @bild_de they are germans whow ouldve letem even touch didthey imply you like toget molested by cockroaches threehudnred ti mes a day  in store in class onthe road incinemas and if the barricades are inthe way then around an intel sneaky shit access somewhere you! yes you! the aeh s s s s ss e x m a n i a c  then dogs then something else itisnt just the deed with intelcom a itisntjsut thatthey quell immunisation to isintjust thatthe y quell daytime charing it as victimblame howbatshit nuts youar e and here another confirmation forit it is german sgerman  sgermany so they try to tax it as frivolous life centerpoin t while killing you and from money earned with things they dama mge allalong ok ok ok ok ok back tothe pedo trick  until an other trick works itis g e r m a n you have not the f ucking idea whatthey do usually and why they get away 20 years with this shit evenifits daytim ehcharged eu wide ten years  and swampwide five years you just think its whackamole or a mmmystery or somekindof  fate aeh german?feng?shui?… //// childfoolbrainmess 1 615 1610 after murder frigne suffocaitonpoison itis germany m aybe sticky peaks of a potato reminded them how childfoolish youmsutbe bombout gaser stuff fffffffffffem  a l l l l l l l l they got onsite a l l then jailem foolbrai ndaamamager slapdown  repeats out loud: childfool damamge tem plates on suffocation killtricks is not very helpful. maybe i am incompetent  i didnot even notice that the civillian deed types what im botchting allthe time iso got used to that //// iiiam suffocating fidnth emix lympahtic behdinear  sqwueezeeeem /// bombout gaser stuffemtheirmix galore and squeezeem fidnthe stuff inhair an donthe clowns ~uickly quiclkkly shuffles alibimix usually  b ackleg heartkill implants are as critical as locked down gut s again compeltely itis murder tricks  murder with wal lgasings mruder with xraybeams murder with implant tricks mu rder with any mengele trick operate it threethousand times a year every year then suffocateit more tooperateit more it is murder tricks intensified efforted constant m u r d e r tricks barely shuffled away with other accesss itis like rapers host rapes then see if they can use it for a crim inalisation blame like poisoning you dull to host grann y germancure takeaway his rights sgerman sgermanyitis bbbbbbbbbbastardmonstrous tothe core and beyond and if they ca nuse kids intokillzones where they usually effort murdertricks theyd blame the kid too as thei r fault or bad parenting itis german itis germany itis exactly that what your forefathers felt this bbbbbbbastardm onstours sinister deviouscored amorphuoous shifting shuffling dev ious monstercore with shuffled parts of it and someare r e a l l y sorry  some only occasionally but inthe meanw hile the worst things happen as if a ufo harassed you then nothing was again  ortheyre sorry again ifyouforced em to th en someone else it is not like kontagan victims dying i nthe ghetto sowhat itis blaming them they tookthe stuff vol untarily and are they addicted tothe stuff before they were born germanness you must hold em to higher standards and so that their crippled arms dothat for themselves fortheir own good idontknow how else to stabilise this devious monster  ishouldnt and shouldnt want to think of soldier draft tim e that allthat couldve been wouldve been you wouldnve neverk nown they wouldve died like flies early age and that wouldbe their duty and sole purpose an dthey cannot even grasp how devious and wrong it is  but theyd gladly throw another generation intothe fire and you youknow it //// biosensors checkit 1550+-10 1540 thesubdued dige stivesystem with ehartaimed tricks with xray intoheart and l eftchest withpathogen trickeries damamged all to fragile w aht does the biosensor show gutslock effects atleast /// thismail stalled 1527: xraybeamtrick 1527 fromwhere which tpype beforemore pathogen gasing tricks and heart catapulted stuff /// bburden heart mess oily mess? 229¿ /// 222am xraybeamfrom //// thegerman govt averts systematically a pap ertrail for themess t h e m cause and make as daytime charged 2015 “verursacher” in shitcops charging “systematischer urheber der lage und der vorfaelle is t”  echr2800/10 eu humanrights court too uptill 3781/20 echr ///// check if behind earlympahtic aimed is pathogen trick again #name #without #face whois ortmaier, diebold andother nameswithout face as drugs andmixes as typed interoxidaustausch behind earlympahtic poisons arsenit cyancali stichnin nanofi nedusts andsuch ortmaier was or wouldbe about hightech tanks o ver a bridge ?!? in a theme //// thegerman govt plujs timecontrol accomplice know fortune knowinventions quelleither avert papertrail in alltheme sses causethemessallalong shuffled proxies  effort years of govermnment things to cut down the victimised survivor oftheme ss then externalities forced em tomeasure up against their o wn criminal agenda thenits goodcop badcop quelling their proxies barely or barely enough abit for now yes? youre the pro s  howbad isit //// the ea rlmypahtic aimedpoisosn are arsenide cycancali stichnin int eroxidaustausch  cellsuffocaiton murdertricks are as common a s nanofinedust asbestos and other killtricks deedtyped th e fix thatmadeit b a r e l y breathable imminent morning fix was hemolyt but after damamge suffocaiton nights damamge done allis bad its bad stuff allofit  this is usually deed ty ped //// what does it damage? bytheme staged organfail ges tuftes organversagen butisay its trombosis emboly dehydration mu rdertrick maybe kidneys too windows aimed xray beam is car or frontbuidlign likely nazi radar or beta itis efforted mur der tricks for months years deed typed ///// someofth emesses are inexplicable like minor mischief where pretend matt ers more with goodintent messing withourt learning effect against pretend but amplified rec onfirmation that or total morons and hideous murderers itis a constant effort on something that was not  with allthe dam amges shut down subdued it was not why shouldit letalone lympahtic+centerbacklow+ alibi  itsnotpossible itsnot measura ble usually /// ican still barely crap itis shutdown subd ued centerbacklowdigestive system it normalises abit but tisno t as usually orbefore itis a murder kill trick murder gram py thisis the only trick they got awaywith  their alibi wo uld be sthlike crapping 2times a day  is why they shut it do wn so its  germancured t r y i n g t o five times aday be hind earlymphatic +centerbakclow sithe poison usually rightn ow maybe heartrlelevant resubdue again 0017 //// find da amage erasers earlier weeksmonths headimapcts damamges turnba ckclocndamamges too fixable? //// heavy betaray or radar again 2153 murder trick with plausible deniability intel murder heart aimed headaimed leftchestaimed above abovead jacent corner maybewidowaimed findit ///// xray beam m urdertrickery whichtype abvoe aboveajadancent knows //// xray beam killtrick heartaimed whichdamamvge isit else lym pahtic ear+hand aimed mix maybe nonhostile thistime above a djacent corner betaray? //// mixes 1910+-3 is gaser and a bove is /// xraybeam trick killtirck heartaimed oncemore t he civillian must find it out they throw oneday bum lidokain atit and dammamge germancure op erate the bloodvesssels so fearnot  use the chance what a nutb um itis to report whatthey harm allalong //// billionaire marriage quality until imademy own billions  then the sleaziest hooker bum onthe globe //// @norway @norwegia .@fisa .@n orway @judge .@judge @judges @ap @reuters @bbc_whys @france24 @ haaretzcom @snowden example: itisntjust underdeveloped fools, itis (!)did never and (!)would have never developed. and that in a world where intels control the population with cookingfore head arbitrarily literally willynilly. letalone in a deeply sophisticated educated discipline d case cmon now youknow its one example of the most declinate able cases they shuffle stigmas they shuffle harms they sh uffle proxies because itis  i n t e l  itis whihc trick w orks this time with all authorities as dependents under cont rol doing whatthey want with peasantry as civil population whhhyyyyy!!!!! r o b u s t o  AND creamy?! @norway @norwegia .@fisa .@norway @judge .@judge @judges @ap @reuters @bbc_whys @france24 @haaretzcom @snowden aha!!!! peanutbutter between nuts batshit nuts! but… why?! t he brand?! r o b u s t o  a n d creamy that that that a dunno thatsgotta mean sth … right?… ********* without ac cess mess average,median, and mean identificationtimeframes with ai. and by experience  ** ******* with access to the case:  ///// find xraybeamtri ck allda ylikely beta or radar bythe way lawyers ofmine ** ***** make sure germans cannot use doc-ification everagain with utmost severe consequences but for things they wait longer than three years threemonths th ree days younameit andforemost eachofthem signs under oath th e  i  n  t e l terrors witnessed including whatthe civillian demystified and them   pokemon openmouth woa + wtf ********** trickery with docification as game for find sth youcan dist ort twistlater to justify a shitball while allalong itis intel murder that is over orthey hang with the scums symbolicall y (notliterally) ///// tinitus from deceit trick allday wh atisit this time momfool brainwashaway fof fortune mom th eperverted doing moms itsalljsut a dream yourenot you tonaswinn ihave dismal transvetite emotions and want to be molested by horny germans because theyre so german and im so terribly not german what is it this time again //// ffind backleg tricks for boner implan t remtoeocntroleld itisntjsut biting hemmmorides itis buzzin g installs tactically timed to what xray murder beam killtr ick fromcockroach above aboveadjancent is priority ///// itis unusually mild since anhour or two whosnew usually its poisons damamges suffocations xraybeam terror find xrayb eam killtrick fromabove aboveajdancent and window aimed oth erwise miraclemild I am Christian KISS BabyAWACS – Raw Inde pendent Sophistication #THINKTANK + #INTEL #HELLHOLE #BLOG http s://www.BabyAWACS.com/ Inquiry@BabyAWACS.com PHONE / FAX +493 212 611 34 64 Helpful? Pay. Support. Donnate. paypal.me/Chris tianKiss ///// gaser is likely xray to terrorise or and fr ame something stuff them their mix galore chekc ifthey host a cockroach clown german  //// repalcedphone sucks whofu cktit bbombout xray murderer and disgust messer   1607 a s xraymurderer gaser beam messer 1550+-10 ///// replacedph one 1525 heartaimed 1526 /// 1524 pathogen murder relelva nt? //// a piece of crud druged me drowsy agian 1515+-5 stuffemtheirown mix g a l o r e if cockroach germ an cockroach efforts imminent danger itis bad choice regretta bly itis effort cockroach dont touch the wall do nt tocuhthat guy find sth else todo ///// medics those spikes are r e s t i n g heartrates itis surprising that the fitnesstracker identifies heart on edge itis not howitis without damamged hbeart itdoesnt have even coffee or other t hings that could pushit up itis resting recovery and critic al heartonedge allalong btw //// lawyers make em sign or r eadoutloud this is the eigth year on edge of existence and its been a joy to see him struggle o n 200amonth with billions on the accounts micromanaged from 67 billions to 90billions recently but he court demanded acc ess to his own fortune with intiative fromwithin the bubble an d against not a missed formality immunisation but agaisnt a quelled quelled immunisation keeping him that way  is intent yes and itis a joy tos ee how he struggles the eigth year on 200 amonth and yes we w ant to tax his billions or someow chain it or sex it or someh ow killit anything aslong as we can pillage it see? abit h onesty  howlikely willthey admit the obvious //// oh please for thegermans its suicide whenyou cut 50bucks from foodmoney everymontbh not toget a malgam teethfills they urgently rescue you from imminent starvation death the 8th year  than give you access to your own court demanded fortune  they imminently take away your r ights that a german that quells any fucking ebay sale or booksal e germancures you urgently they dont store miracles of m icromanagement cutting chowpennies topayoff bullshit idont even o we realtime they see  c on f u s i o n it just  mysteriou sly somehow always adds up and somehow micromanages chowpennie s for abit semisafe IT hardware and phone for s o m e t h i n g not too contract chain bondin g  they are confused by complexmicromanaging but get a c c ce s ss s to damamge you to alzh eimer granny because thats tthats how they lockaway the gra nnies inthis very shithole so whynot inthiscase too youknow em andifnot then thenby now today this veryday fortun e access avertedby who 22pm-2208 shoudlveshown 15billion fo rtune a  sixth of my totalfortune what didit show storeit notarstampit sowhat isaw publish it iput it asclose tomout haspossible as on local bank once that efforted fraudit taxit as nutbum threeyears ago ///// store onlinebanking 22 00pm@+8 itshould show 15billion  a sixth of my total fortune did it show sth realtime if so what //// disintegrated wall and tape matters checkfor xray tricks and calculateback the gray s for a l l l l cumulated  #suffocator #squeeze  #crayo n #maccaroni #advice #right #ominuous #obscurity #is #a #conflict @ap @reuters @bbc_whys @fr ance24 @fisa @law @harvard_law @all @world #crayonMaccaroniAdvi ce  unknow obscurity is a conflict theme in intelccoma test helmet themes buildit around the issue ****** a is it known then  b issue:  trait: yes or no? c issue: trait : instead? how ******** dont misuse it for bad the stat eofmind point a to g  point a to h is critical inthis too sm ashwords.com/books/view/552210 I am Christian KISS B abyAWACS – Raw Independent Sophistication #THINKTANK + #INTEL # HELLHOLE #BLOG https://www.BabyAWACS.com/ Inquiry@BabyAWACS.co m PHONE / FAX +493212 611 34 64 Helpful? Pay. Support. Donnat e. paypal.me/ChristianKiss //// youdont freeze disobey tee nagers into a tube because thbey wouldve been executed fortheir deed you make sure its understood what happened  waht it will mean for him her what it f e e l s w h a t it l e a d s to and then learning effect then orientation pe rson with routine away from the bad this //// btw fix hea rtonedge frombacklegtricks  regenerate donot add oldwounds m engele mess checkalso finedust harms nano finedust what does it dowith veinwall bloodsupply //// they mustve implied Sexu ality in their assaults its inexplicable #lawyers .@law  @law . @laws .@harvard_law @ap @reuters @bbc_whys @france24 @snowden @ haaretzcom separate it clearly that itis not sexuality but th em imply that that thereisno frivolous gains but them imply t hat that even if some would fit preference, does not undo allthe assaults that are beyond good and evil that it iiiiis about them and that all knew that  ** ***** the gain the benefit the what for was in something els e than about that guy  letalone about sexuality ofthat guy *** **** this.  is probably not separated clearly checkthat yo ure the pro s  /// dont get nuts over it, its not so complic ated: because. it. is. intel. it.is .all about. which. trick. works. thistime. get furio us about it  not nuts about it itis layer1 causing authorit ies with control accomplice rapedmolested damamged themselves whatthey can  host layer2 cockroaches immunsied todowhat wish hope pretend youre their under human candowhattheywant with civillians usually willalways try sth . coordinated more orless or invited orhosted only as prox ies dont get nuts about it get mad about it isuggest: a ser o tolerance dont touch it. offthewalls. off the health. itdoesntmatter what youwant whatyoupretend what youtry donttouchit. if youre support coordinate with support your ideas are: /// what doyou do about 19years of microscopy while they sh uffled sexual asssault  then someone germancures your nuts to a smeary fatty or sth because they s u s p e c t something this. itisntjust shuffled sexual assault itisntjust deedt yped allalong iit is deedtyped after daytimecharging it  repeat edly risking allmyrights and anything to because thecausi ng authorities quell the charging and thefix  the fix is letm ore and shuffle more sexual assault and try togive it an ali bi nomatter how counterfactuall this. what is against this.   //// lawyers ofmine  ******** had one single trick worked unthinkable what wouldhappen next: disassemble this t rick ie: because we declare him nuts we dont compensate what we overtape allalong because h e aeh molests little furry sexcat s and sex hedgehogs, we must not compensate what we damage ra pe and smear. this ********** had one trick worked unthi nkable ////// #lawyers  law .@laws .@harvard_law @ap @reuters @bbc_whys @france24 @snowden @haaretzcom what is the st ate ofmind of the charged government: when they just have to find a trick that puts you inyo urplace a trick that you give up  atrick that resets your brain a trick that shows they dominat e you and you must obey like youhave no choice  this is the st ateofmind this itis idontcare whatthey fake idont ca re howthey goodcop badcop idontcare how they play sorry the yrenot this. is their stateofmind what do you do about it it explains a long long lattice of messes and dirty tricks furthermore ////// #sexland #sex #land @all @world @gl obe @booking  .@law .@laws .@harvard_law @ap @reuters @bbc_why s @france24 @snowden @haaretzcom youjustdont getit the germa n goverment rapes thecivil population that is not immunised against  intel coma s wheres the news they porn the c r a p out of em they sell em as sexslave on intelcoma if th ey can they preplan their careerrs and setemup who exploits who first and benefits how they controlem like forehead bra incooked fools like children like fools they hold as underhu man exploitable underhumans that is the basis of it all whe n a civillian daytime charged the basis oftheir security system: they did any harm they remot ely had then used proxies then played good cop bad cop hunting them ebcause we forced em to and this is the basis ofthe case guilty liable causin g criminal governments that dowhatthey want withthe civil p opulation charged daytime for staying damamges and coverup and hightheft using their security system as prison gig trick is that clear now itis not a single case itisnot the german hookerofthe land itis one of 60million abused civillians tha t charged the crap out of em for whatthey did here with the civil population for70years ////// btw2  get allthe clown s offmy privacy  superprivacy i n t i m a c y  the scums me ld their perverts onthe case and see if later daytiem anything is confirmation tothat thenit s confirmed orsth jail asstoyer dicktoyermolester itis di sgusting cockroaches that reinterpret on deeply intimate things after raping and pedo sexual assaulting nomatter how often ida ytime chbarge it i am furious  about it the cockroac hes braindamamge forehead and suffocate the c r a po outof me and damamge eraseme ihate em its legit to  and iam furi ous about it idaytime chargedit atleastfive times locally a nd fivetimes eu they shuffle sexual assault repeat humilia te and seee how pervert you are coifirmation i hate them idontlive by hate minors wemust rescue but  the scums get offfffthe case andif wehave tohunt the scums for the auth orities the authroties gotojailwithem they host em coverem anyway host em whenthey cant tax it a trickfailed then itnen sified pedo tricks thisishowit works its  criminal g overnment  authrotieis criminal authorities shuffling proxies guilty liable accomplice control usually maybe unbriefed f ools that get shit into their head to mess wit an excuse sero tolerance with sexual  abuse sexual assault th e authorities do their job and hunt thweir cockroaches a nd if we must theygotojailwith the scums they sat and le t rapes poisosn rapes galore arbitrary whattttheywant whowant s cinema grocerystore chameber arbitrary rapoes rape i nschool and cinema arbtirary rtape ******** rape allthtime manytiems deedtyped w e force them to huntheir c ockroach german cockroaches thatthey are withthe authroities or they gotojail  both withthe scums when wemust huntem an this we must do ***************** //// lawyers that is 90billion euro s fortune of earned tbhings with what icould ninety billion before like 67billion do you wonder wha t scums would do when they think its vulnerable or get access with a trick  beit separating it away from that guy they dowa ht they want with and act like its mysteriously created not f rom what thatguy could and did it is ninety billion a sha re of which wealth generated you donot make it vulnerable to anyone a matter of granted or not granted if a trick works   or sth itis daytime court demanded ina mess where they quel l immunisation and quzelled the case intothe daytimebubble inth e firstplace they shuffle tricks like bum med s or braind amamged fool careers and its just your own fault that you mysteriously didnt pick a dayfool ca reer while allrealdeal wouldnt matter this shit you get off me and you get rational about what kinds of scums will a l w a y s try sth about the fortune if it seems ar bitrary separated away fromthat guy and thatguys performance systemic trickery to be g r a n t e d  maybe when he doestn rememeber or is incapacitated and allthese shits if he as d ayfoolsomehow something they trashcan killtrick and harm and hookertrick and degrade as if the fortune wouldnt be real and asif i daytime demanded my ufo or sth seriously. h arden the fortune from bullshit systemic ornot bust separat ion tricks of fortune and thatguy performance of thatguy separa tedaway and be rational about what scums will a l w a y s try sth that is ************* 90billion from th is very head of what icould and the yeffort braindamage and heartkill and bum meds and gurtslock andpathogens and tobe granted or not separation of fortune and performance asif im a fo ol they put in a frozen tube and keepthemoney trick at best th efffff ff f f f f f f f ff f f f f f involve serious in surances and reinsurers ifnecessary include atomic hardening serobullshits agaisnt fraudsystems and criminal govts and thanks forall *************** / //// what mom theme is the theme ididnt know moms or sth and ididntmind  itis agerman shitball about underdevelopment usu ally or perversions or sth asif you sense mom s or sth because thats what you surely want thatkindof german ness //// lawyers because imminent danger and war is so severely bad en ough i say no capital punishments whenever possible:! a l w a y s no capital punishment no deathpentalty scums go tojail cant be fun in there important is they understand they dodged capital punishment for real I am Christian KISS BabyAWACS – Raw Independent Sophistication #THINKTANK + #INTEL #HELLHOL E #BLOG https://www.BabyAWACS.com/ Inquiry@BabyAWACS.com PHON E / FAX +493212 611 34 64 Helpful? Pay. Support. Donnate. pay pal.me/ChristianKiss //// xraybeam trick heartaimed //// 1634 repair? or leechery /// pathogen murderer gases 151 8 batih above abovesdjancent or cirucitboard. squeezetheockroac h shifted from xraytrick before //// xray murderbeam beta highpowered orand transmutation 1500 1511 above aboveadjkacen t knows I am Christian KISS BabyAWACS – Raw Independent Sophistication #THINKTANK + #INTEL #HELLHOLE #BLOG https://www. BabyAWACS.com/ Inquiry@BabyAWACS.com PHONE / FAX +493212 611 3 4 64 Helpful? Pay. Support. Donnate. paypal.me/ChristianKiss /// after which damage and degradation would #you! have s aid: “mmaaayn adunno.. allthe beer and stuff and their fhaaantastic cars drivingby .. but youkn ow.. ikinda miss my genitals…” for them it makes sense /// / intelligence genomes more from the mother  usually has a lso some implications of why it is as it is shewas morelike l isa simpson and dodged studying inthe 70s because parent got ill and died then got hepatitis next year then met my dad with his heavymotor bike  another life spoiled (haha) /// the glorious german careers with t hose stamps visualise it /// it wouldbe epic justice if g ermans would try to pillgage the case but oneof their earlier d amage tricks fucks em instead letalone any invention after w hich staying harms it doesnt work both ways, einstein can be cooked to a fool but a fool cann ot be einstein as extreme example //// this howthey are mustve been obviosu other cases too ofreailtime botch things #f ailed #virginity #test #2001 .@law @harvard_law @ap @reuters @bbc_whys @france24 @haaretzcom @snowden .@fisa @judge .@judge @judges  because the germans damage their civillians fairly arbitrarily and cover these wit h standard stigmas thisis how it really is allalong ***** l ets find the cover alibis like retard stamps itis a stigma dyslectic me!! (nickname schnellschreiber 3rd/felt abit artificial bllah) but dyslectic- i t is ? a stigma ***** virginity ?! meh. unless its a stigma  one shitball bites  the other but that doesnt keepe m from right. then. getting away with something damnthe fact uality basis I am Christian KISS BabyAWACS – Raw Independ ent Sophistication #THINKTANK + #INTEL #HELLHOLE #BLOG https://ww w.BabyAWACS.com/ Inquiry@BabyAWACS.com PHONE / FAX +493212 6 11 34 64 Helpful? Pay. Support. Donnate. paypal.me/ChristianKi ss /// demand a hook on abstracthumour abstract analysis fromfools they  dont getit toooousually /// backlegv to genital implant is hiughly heartkill relelvant makesur e theresno damamge added so gutslock gutsusdudue rmeotecontroll ed the technology is masseldorn badenser whale landesverfa ssungsschutz //// squeeze lympahtic aimer 2310+-2 its like eastern sexdrug orso //// xraybeam heartaimedd leftche staimed radar or beta transmutation allthetime as 20pm 20 20 2040 2245 allthetime //// store onlinebanking 210 0+-7 woa backleg heartkillrelelvant 2107 acesser squeeze aft er this mail: “whatis hkkaz,hkcaz,hkccs abbreviations inthe local bank account wahtis fortune amount total” //// which fortune sums over which timeframes  make sure its no tarstamped courtusable and when daytimedemanded daytime court d emanded iget damaged chav harmed all the time find xra ybeamtrick 2040 20pm-2020pm //// authorites gotojail when wemust hunt pathogen murderer above for em letaloneif theaut hroites grant em access or cause thekilltrick ///theyarenot c ompetent they shuffle scums that try sth. pathogen murderer above 1500 stuffhimthemix galore . allofit onsite .  who was onthe case 12,000persons andthefinest another good indication for intel #sex #sexual #potence #balls #trick @ap @reuters @bbc_whys @france24 .@world @world @all because itis intel itis which trick works. batshitnuts? crim inal? terrorist? pedo? fool? alljust adream nowhy was sth be cause itis intel which trick works has a l w a y s beenthe game isuspect people know  but thats not the case youmay count the shuffled harms priming (itis a chip bring all banan as: academic: wtf?!??why everyone throwing banaanas atme) fra ming (as the transvestite that he is, yousee he has long hair: you: theffffff?!?!???) woodbride (he sits alone inhis chamber and designs bride dresses for his great wedding day ahead. which may eventually occur s o m e d a y/ he hopes it increases his sexual potence if he adds al lkinds of balls on it blah) smashwords.com/books/view/552210 /// howmany harms like guts and genitals and ass and face bone were from 2004 it was bad and experiment killit  but it wasnot these 5years intnsified killtricks with shuffled any harm leecheries morbusmake  ba cklegheartdiease poisons xrays mengeles  pathogens  lympahti c aimed tricks gutssubdue dozens of headimacts nanofinedut s obscure tricks like lifetime leech and fibrin leech andsuch  and interoxid austausch arsenide suffocate trisk  itis con stant try anything that it dies whichtrick thistime with pla usible deniability I am Christian KISS BabyAWACS – Raw Inde pendent Sophistication #THINKTANK + #INTEL #HELLHOLE #BLOG http s://www.BabyAWACS.com/ Inquiry@BabyAWACS.com PHONE / FAX +4932 12 611 34 64 Helpful? Pay. Support. Donnate. paypal.me/Christi anKiss /// because itis intel itis which trick works. bat shitnuts? criminal? terrorist? pedo? fool? alljust adream nowhy was sth because itis intel which trick works has a l w a y s beenthegame isuspect people know  but thats not the c ase youmay count the shuffled harms priming (itis a chip bri ng all bananas: academic: wtf?!??why everyone throwing banaanas atme) framing (as the transvestite that he is, yousee he has long hair: you: theffffff?!?!???) woodbride (he sits alone i nhis chamber and designs bride dresses for his great wedding day ahead. which may eventually o ccur s o m e d a y/ he hopes it increases his sexual potence if he adds allkinds of balls on it blah) smashwords.com/books/view/552210 /// howmany harms like guts and genitals and ass and facebone were from 20 04 it was bad and experiment killit  but itwasnot these 5ye ars intnsified killtricks with shuffled any harm leecheries m orbusmake  backlegheartdiease poisons xrays mengeles  pathog ens  lympahtic aimed tricks gutssubdue dozens of headimacts nanofineduts obscure tricks like lifetime leech and fibrin l eech andsuch  and interoxid austausch arsenide suffocate trisk   itis constant try anything that it dies whichtrick thisti me with plausible deniability I am Christian KISS BabyAWAC S – Raw Independent Sophistication #THINKTANK + #INTEL #HELLHOL E #BLOG https://www.BabyAWACS.com/ Inquiry@BabyAWACS.com PHONE / FAX +493212 611 34 64 Helpful? Pay. Support. Donnate. paypa l.me/ChristianKiss I am Christian KISS BabyAWACS – Raw Ind ependent Sophistication #THINKTANK + #INTEL #HELLHOLE #BLOG htt ps://www.BabyAWACS.com/ Inquiry@BabyAWACS.com PHONE / FAX +493 212 611 34 64 Helpful? Pay. Support. Donnate. paypal.me/Chris tianKiss I am Christian KISS BabyAWACS – Raw Independent Sop histication #THINKTANK + #INTEL #HELLHOLE #BLOG https://www.Bab yAWACS.com/ Inquiry@BabyAWACS.com PHONE / FAX +493212 611 34 6 4 Helpful? Pay. Support. Donnate. paypal.me/ChristianKiss I a m Christian KISS BabyAWACS – Raw Independent Sophistication # THINKTANK + #INTEL #HELLHOLE #BLOG https://www.BabyAWACS.com/ Inquiry@BabyAWACS.com PHONE / FAX +493212 611 34 64 Helpful? P ay. Support. Donnate. paypal.me/ChristianKiss I am Christian KISS BabyAWACS – Raw Independent Sophistication #THINKTANK + #INTEL #HELLHOLE #BLOG https://www.BabyAWACS.com/ Inquiry@Baby AWACS.com PHONE / FAX +493212 611 34 64 Helpful? Pay. Support. Donnate. paypal.me/ChristianKiss

they are germans they find degrading alibis to repeat crimes and steal sgerman @all @world @ap @reuters @bbc_whys @france24 @haaretzcom @snowden #german #fengshui @phoenix_de @bild @bild_de

they are germans whowouldve letem even touch

didthey imply you like toget molested by cockroaches threehudnred times a day

in store in class onthe road incinemas and if the barricades are inthe way then around…

[trendingnewsb]

Sympathy for the Incel

If you want to know why young men are broken, ask them.

There is a cultural crisis emboldening the misogyny and violence of the little-known incel movement (an abbreviation for the self-professed involuntary celibate community of men) and which has now been tied to three mass murders: Elliot Rodger, Chris Harper-Mercer and, this week, the alleged Toronto killer Alek Minassian, who is accused of killing 10 and injuring 15 people in one of the most horrific acts of mass violence in Canada in years.

One after another, media outlets are seeking to understand how this could happen while raising the question of how we got here. The Internet is enabling a community of men who want to kill women, read the headline in The Verge. Can the radicalization of incels be stopped? asked the Globe and Mail. But one headline stood out, from The National Post: What should we do about the incels? Maybe help them. Shouting about what horrible women-hating losers they are (which they may be) is not going to prevent one of them from murdering again.

This, in particular, is the question Im concerned with, and why I am attempting to find whatever empathy or compassion might be possible for the disconnected young men flocking to the movement and who might be at a crossroads. One young man stood out in the countless hours I spent listening to podcasts, videos and chat room conversations within the incel community which I have been following for months now: 19-year-old Jack Peterson, a socially awkward Chicagoan who after hours of interviews agreed to reveal his real identity for the first time to The Daily Beast.

To be clear, Peterson initially did not want to do any media regarding the group, particularly a profile on what the makings of an incel look like, but after considering my appeal that perhaps others might want to reach out if they could have a better understanding, he agreed.

Born Kalerthon Demetro in the suburbs of Chicago, Peterson (his mothers last name) is a high school dropout who lives with his single mother and whose father left when he was two years old. Peripherally involved in the online incel community for years, Petersons first reaction to the Toronto horror was to record a podcast specifically condemning violence and misogyny and underscoring that for the majority of participants, this is not their reality. For him and many like him, he says, the incel community is a means of supporting one another in a world when it sometimes feels like there is no one else.

To listen to the teenager speak, he does not seem psychopathic. He does not seem like he endorses psychopathy. On the contrary, he seems shy and awkward and lonely and angry. He laughs when other incels make dark jokes about killers, but he does not make them himself. He gets it. They are blowing off steam.

Being an incel is not about violence or misogyny, repeats Peterson, who is the only incel who has been on television doing interviews in recent days since the alleged Toronto killer pointed a finger at the incel movement in a cryptic post on Facebook confirmed earlier this week. Yes, for some guys it is, but not for me. Not for many of us.

The challenge in covering the incel movement is that in many cases the cherry-picked and sensationalist coverage reinforces these mens persecution complexes and drives them further into a pit of rage-fueled nihilism. Attempting to find any kind of compassion is in no way to excuse or normalize the deranged among them. On the other hand, it is to see what options we have left in reaching them at all.

In the groundbreaking book Change or Die, author Alan Deutschman writes, [The sense of self is threatened by any major change in the deep-rooted patterns of how we think, feel, and act, even a tremendously positive change such as leaving behind a life of crime and addiction. A change in progress demands new explanations for a past thats now cast in a darker light.

Essentially, reaching someone entrenched within a near-fanatical belief system is often impossible because the ego will put up a fight to the death in order to not deal with the psychic pain of feeling that everything that has been done up until this point has been done wrong. But it is possible.

In Deutschmans book, spanning extensive research on changing past negative behavior to future positive actions, one case study of a parole officer illuminates how he found the most success in reaching the seemingly unreachable. By realizing that the real reason why people dont change is demoralizationthe overwhelming sense of hopelessness and power he applied the theory that the most he could do is to inspire a new sense of hope and power. Indeed, this officer invited 14 of the most argumentative ex-convicts and spent 90-minute sessions listening to them rather than telling them what to do. The response was extraordinary. The parole officer recounted: In one and a half hours they calmed down. They said, These guys arent against us. Now they come back every week and say, At least Im being listened to. In the last year the difference has been huge. They want to make a change.

In speaking to Peterson on the phone, while a journalist is about as a far away from a parole officer as you can get, its amazing the difference that occurs when I listen to what he has to say about the reality of incel culture versus how he sees the media portraying its members.

In his view, as despicable and morally unfathomable as the psychopathic fringe is, the reality of the wider membership estimated in the tens of thousands of active members is far more complex.

The way Peterson tells itand as is supported by his digital footprint of videos, podcasts and commentsfor him and many others, to be an incel is to seek the camaraderie of a group of male peers who provide an outlet where, for once, they can honestly talk about the increasing fragmentation, disconnection, alienation and ostracization they feel in an always-online world in which, as far as they can see, they are not welcome or wanted.

Peterson compared the mischaracterization of incels to the xenophobic broad brush that takes a minority of radicalized Islamic suicide-bombers and uses it to condemn the vast majority of Muslims. Instead, he said, there is an acceptance that there is a vile minority who distorts the vision of the communitybut that it is not his vision for the group.

Like many in the incel community, Peterson essentially grew up without a strong father figure.

His mother kicked his father out because, in Petersons words, he used to beat the shit out of my mother and she got a restraining order. His father was the same age that he is now when he got his 39-year-old mother pregnant, and hes never met him, but they have spoken on the phone a few times.

I dont really have any feelings about him, Peterson says. He just kind of is.

From an early age, Peterson felt a level of social anxiety that was bearable but distinct. His kindergarten teacher asked him why he did not play with the others. He said, I dont know how.

Things started to change around the third or fourth grade. It was the first time the girls started making fun of him, he says, saying he was creepy and gross and weird.

I didnt understand it, he says. I was told either to act like a man or that girls could do no wrong. And yet I was constantly told that men were the cruel, bad ones. None of it made any sense to me. I was just extremely shy. I didnt talk to them, but the teasing was relentless and made me want to kill myself.

In the seventh grade, Peterson transferred to three different middle schools all in one year as the bullying followed him everywhere. By the time he reached high school, he says, one young woman started taking photos of him and sharing them with other girls who openly laughed in his face about how ugly he was and why they did not want him near them. He did not finish his freshman year at the Chicago Academy for the Arts, but dropped out after the first semester. His mother never knew the extent of the bullying he experienced.

I was just ashamed, he says. How do you talk about that?

The profoundly formative pain of youthful bullying has been around forever. When a classmate taunts you and proclaims your worthlessness to all your peers, if you are a kid, the humiliation of such an experience doesnt feel like its happening in a classroomit can feel like a worldwide-televised death sentence.

Very few kids on the receiving end of the cruelty know how to deal with itbecause of a lack of life experience that is just as undeveloped as their pubescent brains.

But for a kid growing up today, the tool of the Internet levels the game. No longer do you wonder, Will anyone ever love me? Now you can Google it, and find secret places and communities and bodies of knowledge that your parents dont even know exist. This can be exciting, emboldening, a total game-changer.

I remember the first time I found a site that even mentioned the word incel, I was like, Woah, these guys are outcasts, too, he says. I kind of felt like, maybe Im not alone.

At the age of 11, Peterson visited 4chan for the first time, and he saw his rage and loneliness expressed as well as the impotence of such advice as just get over it. He didnt know how to. He didnt have anyone to ask. He just didnt want any more ridicule.

It was kind of crazy to see and read a lot of the stuff I did, Peterson says. But it was also the only place where other guys talked about some of the things I was experiencing. Feeling so alone and rejected by the people around you. I was extremely shy then, and still kind of am, but it makes you feel really fucked up to be told youre a creepy loser by a pretty popular girl when youre just sitting there, saying nothing, doing nothing, wishing you were invisible but instead being the quiet freak with the cystic acne all over his face.

He also received an indoctrination into the culture of these young men who accepted him and what they found acceptableand what he would need to as well if he were to finally fit in somewhere.

To understand the increasingly irony-rich language of the users, its essential to read Angela Nagles book Kill All Normies, which exquisitely captures the critical shift in online perspective and the death of what remained of a mass culture sensibility that happened at exactly the same time Peterson began actively engaging with it.

In her brilliant book documenting the culture wars of the extreme left and the extreme right in recent years, focusing on subcultures including 4chan and incels, Nagle describes the attitude rebellion on the site against the sentimentality and absurd priorities of Western liberal performative politics and the online mass hysteria that often characterized it.

Peterson is one of the best representations of exactly how these culture wars are shaping our young mens identities.

When everything is ironic, nothing is. So they mock it. All of it.

Theres this big hypocrisy in the fact that so many people who say they are all about human rights and empowerment think its actually funny when boys get mocked, he says. I never said a single misogynistic thing growing up. And I was punished. Just because I was weird. I couldnt help it. I honestly wanted to die.

On the contrary, the incel communities he found online seemed different.

When I dropped out of high school, the one place I felt okay about stuff for a little while was when I was online, Peterson tells me. By the time I discovered the incel culture on Reddit, it felt like, Okay, Im not insane. I was reading all these other guys stories about how girls told them they were repulsive. I never identified with the misogyny, but I did identify with the rage at the hypocrisy of just how untouchable women were in society. No matter what, no matter what awful thing a woman did, it was always supposed to be like, Oh yeah, thats female empowerment. But when you have no friends and are getting bullied and humiliated by women constantly and are told to both man up and renounce your masculinity its like the one bright light you see is this community.

By the time he was 16, Peterson finally met in person a young womanfour years older than himwith whom he had been chatting online since he was 12 years old. She did not know what he looked like for some time, and when he finally shared his picture, she told him that she didnt find him attractive. He lost his virginity to her, after which he says she ridiculed his penis size and laughed at him. Later, she sent him copies of messages that she had sent on to other men she was cheating on him with where she explicitly described the sex acts she wanted done to her. (Ive seen corroborating evidence of all of this.)

I was literally cucked, Peterson says. That word doesnt have any meaning anymore, but thats what I was. I still wanted to see her though. She was the only girl who had ever expressed interest in me, even though she tore me down and told me how ugly I was. It was still better than nothing.

According to Peterson, the relationship finally disintegrated when she began choking him and tried to go after him in her car. He ran to a nearby store to get help, and has the actual footage of the security cam showing him flailing against the glass window. The police came, and to cover for the girl, he said that he was suicidal. He spent three days in a mental institution because of it.

This was a turning point for Peterson.

He finally aligned himself fully as an incel. He was, in the words of Internet argot, black-pilled.

Anyone who has dabbled in understanding Internet lingo is likely familiar with the term red-pilled (inspired by the film The Matrix, where Neo is offered a blue pill where everything stays status quo or a red pill where the ugly truth is supposedly exposed). Adopted by mens rights activists around 2004, to get red-pilled is to subscribe to the particular ideology that feminism is a cancer and men are the real victims. But what does it mean to get black-pilled, as many refer to this communitys belief system? It sounds as bleak as it is.

Essentially, the philosophy is that everything is broken and the answer lies in refusing to engage in a meaningful or constructive way with society. (The phrase black pill first appeared in 2012 on a blog called Omega Virgin Revolt.) A critical part of being black-pilled is recognizing, with zero sentimentality or euphemism or explaining away, that women do not like genetically inferior men. They now have infinite options in the form of men who are higher status (be it, economic, physical, or intellectual) because of the breakdown in societal monogamy and now high-status men can game apps and use hypergamy (or dating up) to their advantage. (Meaning, a less attractive woman will nowadays reject a less attractive male if she is suddenly able to have meaningless sex with a high status man, who can juggle multiple women. This leaves men who are not as good-looking in the dust.)

Incels theorize that once you are black-pilled, you are finally given the gift of brutally honest Darwinian truth that, essentially, the game is rigged, so why bother? With such entrenchment in the truth of the doctrine comes freedom. No longer do you have to run around in circles. You can accept the world for what it is and settle back into your status on the lower rungs.

If you are red-pilled, you might take this theory of female behavior to use it in manipulative pick-up strategies to try to game women into thinking you are higher status or to find the weakest prey.

If you are an incel and have never had a single successful romantic attempt or only disastrous ones, this type of theorizing provides that wonderful feeling of certainty that comes with confirmation bias and the emancipation from regret of knowing that nothing could have been done anyway. Which is why many incels describe being black-pilled as an awakening from humiliation. Like finally realizing that you have been the subject of a joke that everyone else has been in on the whole time.

For a young man like Peterson, spouting such beliefs, he seems not so much a product of toxic masculinity as a failure of masculinity itself.

No one is teaching these men how to be men. This doesnt mean men in the sense of mens rights activists, but a healthy, balanced (not extremist) definition which includes someone who treats women well but also treats himself well by not being afraid to think for himself with opinions that deviate from the loudest, most hateful elements in the community.

But isnt the worst parts of the incel community hate speech? And shouldnt such hate speech be eradicated?

In Nadine Strossens timely new book Hate, she makes the case for countering bad speech with more speech, and illustrates how in countries where hate speech speech laws have been enacted, support for racist and xenophobic politicians has risen. In Europe, hate speech laws have in fact been used as a means of stifling dissent amongst the disenfranchised.

Equal justice for all depends on full freedom of speech for all, she writes.

Not only that, but as Keith Whittington argues in his new book Speak Freely, offensive speech is crucial to safeguard because of its utility in generating, testing, and communicating ideas.

One of the most brilliant defenses of the subject is Jonathan Rauchs 2013 essay, The Case for Hate Speech in The Atlantic, where he thanks the loudest and most noxious voices he faced along the way in his fight for gay marriage. [W]e won in the realm of ideas, he writes. And our antagonists–people who spouted speech we believed was deeply offensive, from Anita Bryant to Jerry Falwell to, yes, Orson Scott Card–helped us win.

For the incel community, of course, many of the ideas espoused are in defense of their identity as the losers of society, which frees them of the need to take personal responsibility.

I think thats a valid criticism, Peterson says. I get sick of the guys who seem like they just want to keep others down no matter what. Its almost like you are scorned when you experience a little bit of success.

The podcast Peterson recorded after the Toronto attack represents the incel community as not seeming as extreme as a cursory visit to the incel-tracking site We Hunted the Mammoth or the incel-mocking community Incel Tears might lead you to believe. On these sites, in the communitys most chilling screengrabs, posts include suggestions that in order to truly terrorize the women who have rejected incels over the years, perhaps mass acid attacks and rapes could be coordinated in order to inflict the same damage upon women that these young men feel has happened to them.

In contrast, Petersons podcast discussion contains an unusual degree of literacy about sociological phenomena, including the Japanese trend of hikikomori, or isolationism and utter retreat occurring with young men, which many incels predict will spread around the world in due time.

But at its core, it is still a conversation littered with misogyny and resentment.

At one point, someone says that women use men like emotional tampons. Another brings up the possibility of mandated girlfriends (or state-sanctioned rape, as shown on the new season of The Handmaids Tale). A joke is made that the best-case scenario is when incels go ER (or Elliot Rodger). There is discussion about the evolutionary benefits of sexual violence, which harkens Rodgers infamously deranged advocacy of a program where men could kill all women because if women were able to choose their own mates, their inferior brains would devolve humanity completely. Someone laughs about the idea of blackmailing women into having sex with them by threatening to post nude photos online. Peterson himself brings up the idea of access to assisted suicide for incels to prevent future attacks, and he suggests that talking to those who wonder about incel culture might help with improving our image, especially if you attach a face to the incel phenomenon, I think that that makes it more sympathetic.

Peterson clarifies to me: He was not suggesting it be him.

I meant someone else, but then it turned out, I guess I was the only person dumb enough to show my face in videos I made online, he says. So here we are.

When I ask him about the references in the podcast to Rodger, he responds, That guy was fucking nuts. I dont really joke about going ER, but I dont tell the guys who make those jokes not to do it because I know theyre being sarcastic. All this shocking stuff is often just the guys trolling. I would argue that I dont think anybody is going to be stupid enough to believe that sanctioned rape is being talked about as an actual suggestion. Sometimes the most ridiculous shit makes me laugh, even though I dont condone it. So if I do laugh at some of this stuff its probably me laughing at something because its fucking stupid.

The psychopaths are the problem, not the incels, he says.

If someone is going to carry out an attack like this theyre gonna have to be severely mentally ill to be capable of that, he says. Making jokes or being active in the incel community doesnt cause it. Being mentally ill does.

But what about when jokes arent just jokes?

I mention how last year when the Nazi website The Daily Stormers guidebook was leaked online, it contained the message: The unindoctrinated should not be able to tell if we are joking or not. So what about when such humor is actually a means of subversive propaganda?

I can see that, Peterson acknowledges. I mean, Ive had guys tell me some really fucked-up shit, and Ive told them, you know, get some help because I dont want you to hurt anyone. But I do think that making dark jokes for people who arent mentally ill helps keep a lot of us from going crazy.

And how exactly does he feel about the disparagement of women in saying that they use men as emotional tampons? Men do the same fucking thing, Peterson says. Thats not a one-sided thing. Men can use women emotionally, too.

And what of the suicide idea?

What it really comes down to is that Id rather these mass shooters and attackers just kill themselves than kill 10 or more innocent people. So maybe if it was easier to commit suicide wed see less of these attacks. Im not condoning suicide but I prefer that to innocent people dying.

On the incels.me forum, a stated list of rules for participation include guidelines that are stricter than most elite private clubs in America.

No women allowed. No exception.

Yes, this means that a forum dedicated to decrying success with women has as one of its primary rules a focus on enforced isolation. Other rules also brutally shut out any chance to provide advice or mentorship to other young men.

A few months ago, when Peterson was using the forum, he suddenly found that he was banned from having certain privileges in the chatrooms. Even the incels, it seemed, were rejecting him.

In response, he filmed and put on his YouTube one of the most astonishing, hyper-granular deconstructions of modern Internet life Ive ever seen.

It is bizarro land for anyone not deep in the world of Internet language.

To create the video, he spent three days nonstop (two days spent up for 24 hours straight in between passing out) to create a meticulous 30-minute PowerPoint video that he filmed objecting to the ban and making his case that he in fact was a genuine incel using a barrage of evidence and minutiae and dictionary definitions and failures of logic to try to break down the bullying he felt he experienced on the forum.

And, if you want to get brutal about the absurdity of the exercise (and the insanity such subcultures can create amongst its members), to prove exactly why he was just as reprehensible to society as the rest of the incels.

It was pretty ridiculous, he says in retrospect. Its like American Vandal, Netflixs mockumentary on super-deep-dive crime docs, except with the heartbreaking element of seeing how brainwashed a young man is into trying to obtain peer approval.

At one point in the video, he even includes a diagnosis that he is paranoid schizophrenic as evidence that he ought to qualify as an incel because of this mental illness. The reality is that after he was given that diagnosis, another psychologist said he was not. Instead, the doctor told him (and is evidenced in the video), he was making himself sick with his own thoughts.

All of this humiliation is laid out for his fellow community of incels to seeand all of it to get back into good standing in the incel community. Thats how bad isolated young men want status and the reassurance of having a community to call their own. Even when the group identity is in how perversely low and entrenched their status really is.

Is it any wonder that these boys need a father figure?

Canadian psychologist Jordan Peterson (no relation to Jack) has been known to be moved to tears in interviews when discussing the crisis of alienation he sees amongst young men today and the need to provide them with tools that will reach them.

As he told Tim Lott of The Spectator late last year about his 90 percent male audience, Im telling them something they desperately need to hearthat there are important things that need to be fixed up. Im saying, You guys really need to get your act together and you need to bear some responsibility and grow the hell up. The lack of an identifiable and compelling path forward and the denialism these kids are being fed on a daily basis is undoubtedly destroying them and that is especially true of the young men.

Lott then observes the author of The 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos displaying a level of vulnerability on the subject that is striking.

At this point, to my astonishment, Peterson begins to weep. He talks through his tears for the next several minutes. Every time I talk about this, it breaks me up, he says. The message Ive been delivering is, Find the heaviest weight you can and pick it up. And that will make you strong. Youre not who you could be. And who you could be is worthwhile.

As psychologist William Pollack articulates in the documentary The Mask You Live In about the boy code that warps masculinity from an early age: The way that boys are brought up makes them hide all of their natural, vulnerable, empathic feelings behind a mask of masculinity When theyre most in pain, they cant reach out and ask for help because theyre not allowed to or they wont be a real boy.

In fact, boys express depression in a completely opposite way than girls. They act out. But most people see it as a conduct disorder or just a bad kid.

After the Parkland high school shooting in March, one of the foremost activists in trying to address the crisis of reaching out to troubled young men before they become killers met with President Donald Trump to say his piece. Every single one of these school shootings has been from young men who are disconnected, said Darrell Scott, the father of the first student murdered at Columbine High School almost 20 years ago. In response, he founded Rachels Challenge to intervene with action rather than yet another toothless spectacle of condemnation of the empirically condemnable violence itself.

In a tweet rant posted during this same time by Martin Daubney, the editor of the English lad magazine Loaded, he articulated a similarly jarring portrait of collective angst from young men who feel callously tossed aside and branded as innately wrong, which only serves to compound the sense of victimization even further.

Im mindful of a seminal TEDTalk by Warren Farrell, author of The Boy Crisis, Daubney wrote. He looks at school shootings, and says: Boys who hurt, hurt us…They say todays boys feel part of some grand problem. You could frame it as #ToxicMasculinity: the notion that all males are to blame for the actions of a minority of damaged individuals. This is identity politics at its most destructive. Because we live in a world where every male indiscretion is used to attack all males. Im saying this: many boys are switching off. Were losing them.

How does an incel feel about all of this concernextended within the realm of ideas and intellectualism?

Itd be nice, Jack Peterson says, if he just had someone else to talk to about it.

I like Jordan Peterson a lot, he admits in a tone that sounds more upbeat than the rest of our conversation. I was going to go see him with another incel but that guy ended up not being able to go. But I bought a VIP ticket so I get to meet him next week.

In the wake of the Toronto attack, Peterson is unique in that unlike many in the incel community who have scrubbed their social or taken down their WordPress blogs that chronicled their life, he decided to see what happened when he went on TV to talk about his life in this widely reviled community now most associated with mass murder.

The decision to do so was gutsy. Especially considering the against-the-agenda talking points he is now presenting in condemning misogyny and violence.

The reaction he has received from other incels has been negative. And the public certainly doesnt like anyone who might be an incel.

Its an unwinnable place to be for someone who might still have a chance of climbing out of the twisted, self-fulfilling prophecy gutter that such dangerous places can become for young men who dont think they have anywhere else to go.

But Peterson doesnt regret doing the media and putting his face out there.

Instead, he speaks with an inverse of the perverted sadism of the Toronto attacker. It is a nihilism of potential that is in stark contrast to the nihilism of murderous revenge.

As he describes the decision, you can almost hear an epiphany clicking: When you dont care when you have nothing else to lose, it can be used for good or evil.

I dont know why I said yes to identifying myself as an incel, he says, mulling it over. I just felt like, you know What do I have to lose?

Of course, within the incel community itself, the answer is clear.

He could very well lose his status as an incel.

They called him all the predictable names. He was a cuck. He was a status-seeker. He was an opportunist. He was a number of slurs that are not fit to print. But for an incel, the worst insult he received of all was that he was a fake.

And, this being incel-world, the name he was called was targeted and precise.

You see, for incels, each man within the community self-identifies with how they qualify for their incel status. For instance, mentalcels achieve their status as a result of mental illness. A braincel is that way because of intelligence. A truecel has never had sex, a relationship, any kind of success at all.

Thus Peterson was called a fakecel. No, Peterson says, thats wrong. He definitely still is an incel. He is a part of the group. Where then does he now belong?

Peterson is quiet as he considers the answer.

I think something where I can help people, he says. I like talking about the positive stuff more, even if its frowned upon.

He considers a while longer.

I dont know, he considers, maybe Im a hopecel.

Read more: https://www.thedailybeast.com/sympathy-for-the-incel

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[ubizheroes]

Learning to Re-Share: 4 Strategies to Renew, Refresh, and Recycle Content for Bigger Reach

Posted by jcar7

In the nearly three years the MeetEdgar blog went live, we’ve published more than 250 posts, written over 300,000 words, searched for hundreds of .gifs, and used our own tool to share our content 2,600 times to over 70,000 fans on social media.

After all that work, it seems silly to share a post just once. Nobody crumples up an oil painting and chucks it in the trash after it’s been seen one time — and the same goes for your content.

You’ve already created an “art gallery” for your posts. Resharing your content just lets the masses know what you’ve got on display. Even if hundreds or thousands of people have seen it all before, there’s always someone new to your content.

In a social media landscape that’s constantly changing, building a solid foundation of evergreen content that can be shared and shared again should be a key part of your social media strategy.

Otherwise, your art gallery is just another building in the city.

But wait… aren’t we supposed to be writing fresh content?

Yes! One of the biggest misconceptions about resharing is that it’s a spammy tactic. This is just not true — provided that you’re resharing responsibly. We’ll explain how to do that in just a moment.

Resharing actually does double-duty for your brand. It not only gets the content that you spent your valuable time creating in front of more eyeballs (and at optimal times, if you want to get fancy), it also frees you up to have more authentic, real-time social interactions that drive people to your site from social media — since you’ve got content going out no matter what.

Did we mention that resharing is good for SEO? Moz Blog readers know that the more people engage with a post, the better your blog or site looks to search engines. And that’s only one facet of the overall SEO boost (and traffic boost!) resharers can see.

How resharing impacts SEO

Big brands are probably the most prolific content resharers. Heck, they don’t even think twice about it:

BuzzFeed is a perfect example of the value of repeating social updates, because they don’t necessarily NEED to.

So why do they do it anyway? Because it gets results.

Social sharing alone has an impact on SEO, but social engagement is really where it’s at. Quality content is totally worth the up-front time and cost, but only if it gets engagement! You up your chances of engagement with your content if you simply up your content’s exposure. That’s what resharing does awesomely.

With literally zero tweaks to the content itself, BuzzFeed made each of those social posts above double in value. Chances are, the people who saw these posts the first time they were shared are not the same people who saw them when they were reshared.

But simply resharing social posts isn’t the only way to get more engagement with your content. This post covers how companies large and small do resharing right, and highlights some of the best time-saving content strategies you can implement for your brand right now.

1 – Start at the source: Give old posts a new look

Lots has changed in five years — the world got three new Fast & Furious movies and LKR Social Media transformed from a consulting service into social media automation software.

We’ve done the math: three months is one Internet year and five years is basically another Internet epoch. (This may be a slight exaggeration.) So when we transferred some of our founder’s older evergreen blog posts to the new MeetEdgar blog, we took stock of which of those posts had picked up the most organic traffic.

One thing that hadn’t changed in five years? A blog post about how Vin Diesel was winning the social media game was still insanely popular with our readers:

Writing blog posts with an eye toward making them as evergreen as possible is one of the smartest, most time-saving-est content marketing strategies out there.

There weren’t a ton of tweaks to make, but we gave this popular post some love since so many people were finding it. We pepped up the headline, did a grammar and content rundown, refreshed links and images, updated social share buttons, and added more timely content. The whole process took less time than writing a brand new post, and we got to share it with tens of thousands of followers who hadn’t seen it when it was originally published.

So… check your metrics! Which evergreen posts have performed the best over time? Which have lots of awesome organic traffic? Make a list, do a content audit, and start updating!

2 – Find your social sharing “sweet spot” by repackaging your content

When you read studies that say many social media users reshare social posts without ever clicking through to the content itself… it can be a little disheartening.

Okay, a LOT disheartening.

You’ve probably spent tons of time creating your content, and the thought that it’s not getting read NEARLY as often as it could be is a recipe for content marketing burnout. (We’ve all been there.)

But it’s not all for naught — you might just need to experiment until you find the “sweet spot” that gets people to read and share. One way to do that is to simply repackage content you’ve already written.

The tried-and-true “best of” post offers a reprieve from the content-creation grind while still delivering tons of value to your fans and readers.

Repackaging is best when it reframes your content with a new focus — like rounding up similar posts based on a theme. (You can do this in reverse, too, and turn one great post into a bunch of fresh content to then share and reshare!)

If you can get people to your site, a “best of” post encourages readers to stay longer as they click links for the different articles you’ve gathered up, and engage with content they may never have thought to look up separately.

Most fun of all, you can repackage your content to target new or different subsets of your audience on social media. (More on that in the next section.)

3 – Social shake-up: Reaching and testing with different audiences

“What if the same person recognizes something that I’ve already posted in the past?” you might be asking right about now. “I don’t want to annoy my followers! I don’t want to be spammy!”

Forget about people resharing social posts without reading the content behind the links — most people don’t see your social posts at all in the first place.

This is just one of those uncomfortable facts about the Internet, like how comment sections are always a minefield of awful, and how everyone loves a good startled cat .gif.

That doesn’t mean you should repeat yourself, word-for-word, all the time. Chances are, you have more than one type of reader or customer, so it’s important not just to vary your content, but also to vary how you share it on social media.

Savvy marketers are all over this tactic, marketing two sides (or more) of the same coin. Here are a couple of examples of social sharing images from a Mixpanel blog post:

Option A

Option B

Both Option A and Option B go to the same content, but one highlights a particularly juicy stat (problem statement: “97% of users churn”) and the other hits the viewer with an intriguing subheader (solution statement: “behavior-based messaging”). In this way, Mixpanel can find out what pulls in the most readers and tweak and promote that message as needed.

Pull a cool anecdote from your post or highlight a different stat that gets people excited. It can be as easy as changing up the descriptions of your posts or just using different images. There’s so much to test and try out — all using the same post.

4 – Automate, automate, automate

Remember, your best posts are only as good as the engagement they get. That fact, however, doesn’t mean you have to keep manually resharing them on social media day in and day out.

Unless, of course, you’re into that boring busywork thing.

Automating the whole process of resharing evergreen content saves tons of time while keeping your brand personality intact. It also frees you up to have real-time interactions with your fans on social media, brainstorm new post ideas, or just go for a walk, and it solves the time crunch and the hassle of manually re-scheduling posts, while actually showcasing more of your posts across the massive social media landscape. Just by spacing out your updates, you’ll be able to hit a wider range of your followers.

(This is probably a good time to check whether your social media scheduling tool offers automatic resharing of your content.)

Now, social media automation isn’t a substitute for consistently creating great new content, of course, but it does give your existing evergreen content an even better opportunity to shine.

Win with quality, get things DONE with resharing

It’s noisy out there. The law of diminishing returns — as well as declining social reach — means that a lot of what you do on social media can feel like shouting into the void.

And there’s not a huge ROI for shouting into voids these days.

Responsible resharing is an important part of your overall content marketing strategy. As long as you keep your content fresh, create new quality content regularly, and talk to your fans where and when they’re most active, chances are people won’t see the same thing twice. The data shows you’ll get more clicks, more traffic, and better SEO results — not a bad bonus to that whole “saving lots of time” thing.

Sign up for The Moz Top 10, a semimonthly mailer updating you on the top ten hottest pieces of SEO news, tips, and rad links uncovered by the Moz team. Think of it as your exclusive digest of stuff you don’t have time to hunt down but want to read!

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[worldofsurvivortibet-blog]

EPISODE 1 (Part 1) - “I'll be sharpening my knife just in case” - Eddie

JULIA RAE

im gay

TRYSTEN

The Cheshire Cat is back again

ELENA

Ok it is only like 15 minutes into the game so I don't have anything to say but I love you Jay! So I am making a confessional <3

EDDIE

Im y'all putting me on a tribe with Jaiden who I have not talked to for months and who is in general probably the messiest org player you will find on the planet. I'm in vermont right now in at an inn with shitty service so I'm definitely ready to be booted out of this thing pretty quickly. But I'll be sharpening my knife just in case I can somehow make it a swap.

DARIAN

This season I'm going to write actually decent confessionals. At least I hope! This tribe is pretty lit and the people are so nice!  I obviously haven't had a lot of time  to get to know everyone but I cant wait! I really think this is going to be a great season!

JAIDEN

I'm actually pretty content with the tribe I got placed on, because I only know Eddie. I could probably use that to my advantage but I don't know if he likes me so... good luck to me. I like playing in games where I know very few people but I am definitely a little worried about Keyonjay being on the other tribe because he will probably go out before I ever swap onto the same tribe as him, and that lowkey sucks. I'm also SUPER concerned about Ting Ting because I hear she's a huge threat and she and Seamus are like, dating IRL or something so hmm. Gonna keep that on my radar.

DANI

Five minutes in and I already hate my tribe, there isn't really anyone I can put my trust in, we better not lose the first immunity challenge, I'm not leaving first again...

CHRISSA

um I hope i am okay in this game idk these people too well and I just hope i can stay a while I fucking hate not knowing the cast before but whatever can i just say I love Jay and that is all.

CARSON

Our tribe is really talkative... which is horrible for me bc im not asdfghjkl. Oh well we have a lot of comp beasts on out tribe so we should be good.

ACE

I've never done this in a game before but let me do a little cast assessment. First let's start with my tribe, Namtso! Jared and I have a lil history in games where I always always always get him out somehow someway. Who knows if he'll trust me! I LOVE KENDALL, nuff said. I have no idea who all the others are but I hope I can make friends with them and have them not vote me off n stuff. In Kailash, I already have Carson added but idk them that well. I love Chrissa and I hope we both make merge or swap on a tribe together and be besties. Dani can go! I love Elena I hope we can acc work together earlier this time than I did in Pompeii. I'm not sure about Seb, he literally just evicted me as hoh in another game rofl. Everyone else idk but I hate that I know more ppl on this tribe than my own tribe. I guess I gotta get talking huh? The last tribe with the unreadable buff has Matt and Trysten. Matt's my fellow furry and Trysten is also semi-furry so I hope they can survive. As for Jaiden, FUCK him I hope he gets out before I even have to deal with his ass. And again idk everyone else.

JAIDEN

Two confessionals in one night? Not surprising. I was really excited to have a non-messy tribe but for some reason, I'm put with two fellow normal people and four confirmed freaks. I don't even know who Johnny is yet but he's literally looped in with those weirdos until further notice. Let's do a quick cast assessment of my tribe, which I forgot its name already because ? flops only. EDDIE - Y'all really did this to me, huh? Eddie hasn't spoken to me since BEFORE October because that's the furthest our chat history even goes. It's me sending messages and him not responding and it's literally the most disappointing thing ever because now I have to work with him in order to exterminate the furries and dildo freaks of this tribe. He's a nice guy and I will only allow him to stick around premerge because he is also a huge threat and a bigger backstabber than I am. JAIDEN - flop JOHNNY - He is not here yet but I think he'll be cool to talk to later on I guess, because we're the same age but he seems more "put together" and like he has legitimate goals in his life. But he's also a college student so I don't expect him to be around much, so I just want to work with him until there is no more need for him if he truly is an inactive person. JULIA - Honestly? She's fucking annoying already lmao SORRY IF UR READING THIS but she talks about dildos and getting fucked in the ass by furries and it's just like... calm down. It's day one and she's already said about 500 things and it's 500 things too much. Definitely bottom of the tribe so far lmao. MATT - He IS loud and cocky and I think he's going to try really really hard to be the Tyson-esque villain this season, so he's also my least favorite because he is not going to be genuine or good at this game. He could go. TING TING -  She's sweet so far but she's really hard to talk to because her answers are so short and they can end a conversation in a second. I feel like she's the only person I like at the moment and that sucks so much because damn, she's not easy to talk to. I'm hoping that we have to go to tribal council first though and pump some of those strategic juices into the tribe because I feel like she'll open right up if that's the case. TRYSTEN - Okay I immediately want him to be first boot because he's the most annoying but in subtle ways. He's like "SOMEONE ALREADY THINKS IM AN ALT" and like well, maybe because you're so adamant that you aren't??? Like shut up. And he's saying that Dani is his sister or something in his cast intro and literally no one cares, but you're just a freak thats putting a huge target on their back for no reason. Anyways...enjoy being the only person to get 21st place in this series :o FLOP! So yeah, there's my cast assessment for this tribe. Hopefully I can fall into an alliance and not get first boot from this horrific tribe, but it could probably be worse on the other side. Wish me luck, and tell the VL to suck my left nut! xoxo

KEYONJAY

I really like my tribe a lot. I have a really good feeling about Nicholas, that he could be a strong ally down the road. Kendall is hilarious, I'm vibing with her pretty well. I've had a short conversation with Amanda. Ace is a fucking amazing artist, and newlyf is cool even though I don't even know their real first name and they haven't messaged me back lol. I like everybody so far and I'm making a conscious effort to get to know everybody unlike in my other games where I would wait for people to come to me. Maybe it's the power of the meesh avatar, but I really hope my social game is better this time around. Y'all wrong for making this the first challenge tho @hosts.

MATT

So I just wanna make a SHORT rant on how I feel about my tribemates. Eddie: Eddie my fellow Gorlley. You're cool and I hope we do get to work together moving forward here. Jaiden: Bruh, you're funny and you also seem cool af. Let's pray my opinion on you doesn't change Johnny: Why u no active? Julia: I really feel like you might become one of my best friends here. You're really cool to talk to Matt: You sexy monster you. *winks* Ting Ting: Just like Julia, you really might become one of my best friends here. Trysten: Stop lying about being an angel, I can see right into your soul.

KEYONJAY

So I really wasn't gonna do the day one alliance thing, but Kendall proposed we go into an alliance and ofc I'm gonna say yes. haha. I do actually like her a lot so that's good. She pulled in Ace, and I wanted to pull in Nicholas because I feel like me and him gel pretty well. Hopefully people see Kendall as the figurehead because my whole strategy was to fly UTR but things change like that in this game. Basically, I just wanna make friends with everybody so I'm not the target regardless, do well in the challenges, and not overthink things like I usually do.

ACE

I'm talking to Ally in PC and I swear I'm getting Mega vibes from her. I swear if Ally is Mega....

KENDALL

Hello. It's me. I've been wondering after all these years, if you'd like to me. To go over everything.... Yeah that's all I know, I mean sure I could look up the lyrics on Google but I am far too lazy. No wait I also know HELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE It has been ten billion years since my last confessional/game, which may seem mathematically impossible because I've only played survivor for one year but shut up because this is my confessional... bitch. Any who, I am back with two percent more evil and one percent more effectiveness. No longer will I be a drifter, just sort of hanging back and waiting for anyone to pick me up and drag me along, I will be the leader!!!!!!!! Despite having about zero charisma and even less interpersonal skills. But my mommy says I am special so there. Anyway I have made an alliance with people. Ew gross I know. But it has to be done. I've made a group of people who were speficially selected because of their incompetence in some areas. Ace the Squabit:  I've played with Ace in Pompeii, we aligned for a short period of time before Drew voted him out. He is incredibly intelligent but he isn't particularly social. Creating a bond with him shouldn't be too difficult because of this fact. Keyonjay Dixon: Aside from having a bitchin' name, Keyonjay has one of the rare characteristics of getting my sense of humor. He isn't very connected to the community so I don't have to worry about any pregame alliances he may have made. In a previous game, he stated to have "played for someone else," time will tell if he will repeat this mistake. And last but not least we have, Nicholas: I don't know him very well and I don't have as much control over him as I do the others. Which frightens me... but I think we get along just fine. I've recommended Survivor seasons to him because he hasn't seen the show so maybe that will bring a bond of some sort. As for the other tribe members, Amanda seems pretty chill and Newlyf is fucking hilarious. I'd like to avoid getting them out if I can. Jared on the other hand... I don't particularly care. He is so boring and has terrible spelling, two of the worst qualities. He called me a psycho in a PM to Ace, which is mildly amusing because I don't think he knows how far it really goes. He doesn't trust Ace, he doesn't like me, he was barely on for the first half of the game. Jared serves no use to me or anyone in my cult... sorry alliance lol auto correct. Anyway I will update when I get more information but until then... HELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

DANI

I really wanna trust these people, but I really cant. I literally have one ally and it's already almost day 2. Well, one ally is better than none I guess. I just really wanna win immunity. I'm not taking the risk of going to tribal council.

EDDIE

Basically Ting Ting is a queen and I'm  planning on making her my Sam of this game and I've pretty much let her know that. Although idk if she finds it sketchy that after once hour I said that but I honestly don't have as much time as a thought as I would so I need to leech myself to a strategically gifted iconic queen that will carry me through the beginning stages of the game into the merge. I honestly haven't decided if I'm going to stay loyal to Ting or not. But if I do vote her out it wouldn't be until the final 5 which is about the time that I probably should've cut Sam in bangladesh but I didn't cause I'm an emotionally human being. By that time though I'll probably have become way too close with Ting to cut her and I will probably make the same mistake I did in Bangladesh which is not taking out the clear jury threat and the person who will obviously win the game at the end. But that won't matter to me as long as I get to have fun bathing in the blood from all the other people who's demise I will cause. I'm going to busy these first rounds of the game but once things slow down and I settle into my city life I should be able to really get into it. I don't need other people knowing that though. Right now I'm just gonna play the sort of active, sort of inactive number for who ever is running the tribe (which will probably be ting which is why I decided to leech myself onto her). I believe Jaiden will try to run the tribe but he and I mean... he can think he is. But I will make sure Ting Ting knows all about his ruthless gameplay and the erratic and messy way he plays. She can do all the work rope in the numbers and I'll just be her little yes man. Whatever gets me to the swap tbh. Either way, I want to keep Jaiden on the outs while making him believe he's the leader. If I have it my he will be first boot, but if not I will coddle him and make him feel like I'm close with him right until I put the knife in his back which I'm hoping will he sooner rather than later, especially on a tribe with such small numbers. Idk how well that will work but it's worth a shot. I also have been talking to Roxy a bit and also matt. Im gonna go to them tomorrow on my drive home from vermont and be like "hey guys!!! Im a busy man!!!! Sorry couldn't talk to you last night!!!! And then talk to them all the way on the ride home and build up some type of bond or whatever.... Jaiden not being around tomorrow should make it even worse on him? Either way, I'm going to do a faceplant into Ting Tings ass. I have no shame in kissing someones ass just to get myself further in this game. That's what this is all about amiright? I'm honestly ready to be first boot, but if I'm not this should be fun.

ACE

I should be scared of the Pokemon Camp Community but I'm not really. Its true they are a force and nobody could stand against them if they are all together but I doubt half of them would make merge. Kendall and I are already planning on taking out Jared if we ever lose cuz he said he doesnt trust me and called Kendall a psycho (which is true in a good way~) Dani and Trysten might seem like a threat to others in tribe stage due to Trystan's bio I guess? I dunno. As for Seb idk why yall casted him cuz he's probably most likely 75% chance going to strike out and be removed anyway so nobody should worry about him.

DARIAN

So. It's been a day and someone has already asked to work with me. #Dani. I dont know where this is going to go i know I'm not committing myself to anything this drastic on day one. I guess it's nice to know I have one option! Dani seems really nice! So who knows

DANI

If we don't win this fucking reward challenge I will be PISSED, I busted my ass in that stupid ass unicorn game and pretended to enjoy that shit so other people would do it.

KENDALL

https://youtu.be/v5O6_rA0VFc

MATT

Honestly, I feel like I did good on this first challenge. I still trying to figure out who on my tribe would be the best for me to make an alliance with. In a sense, I am somewhat apprehensive because of Lazio and its endless tribe swaps....eh, time to snoop around.

KENDALL

OH MY FUCKING GOD I HAVE THAT STUPID SONG FROM ROBOT UNICORN ATTACK STUCK IN MY HEAD. ~ALWAYS I WANT TO BE WITH YOU MAKE BELIEVE WITH YOU AND LIVE IN HARMONY HARMONY, OH LOVE~ SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CURSE YOU JAY, SEAMUS, AND CARSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[feelingsofhope]

Found this in my drafts. Some interesting stuff here.

So, I’ve been getting a load of flak for how depressed i’ve been lately. well, I’m going to explain here...This is going to be long so get comfy.

I’m always being told to just “Relax” or do it for the “Fun” and not the fame.

See now normally ythis would be amazing advice to someone with a more normal background then mine. See why this is bad advice to me is because i didn’t get into Music cause it is fun. I did this solely for therapeutic reasons.  Now comes the part why it was therapy. I have really bad social issues, like o was afraid to talk to anyone cause i was an extremely slow learner. I didn’t understand the world or why people were the way they were. Not to mention i have alopecia totalis. So i lost my hair when i was in middle school 6th grade. And losing your hair in patches tends to kick down your self esteem and worth. I hated who i was, I hated that for some reason i had to deal with all of this  myself. Granted i made a few friends that became life long during this time, But, That was cause the common interest of FF7. Back to the hair loss, As you probably already figured out, I was bullied and made fun of a lot at school.Not just a little bullied im talking people used to fight me cause i looked sick and i was near them. the friends that i said i made started taking my side and helping me out with all these assholes. They were bigger than the bullys and they weren’t afraid to throw in a hit or ten. Now see this happened pretty much all the time, It was a daily regiment to get bullied and teased. this happened until like 8th grade. I had to repeat 7th grade so i ended up being a year behoind all of my friends. Now in this year behind i met some more life long friends. great people.  

Now that you have that part here is my home life... 

My father wasn’t much of a father to me, He used to be someone i looked up to until my niece was born. Now im gonna throw this out so you dont get it twisted. I love my niece and i dont hold any sort of resentment towards er at all. I’m very proud of my niece. But back to the subject.when my niece was born my father basically forgot i existed as his son. Ihe would only talk to me if to dicipline me or have me get him water. I tried to get his aproval on so many levels. But that didnt really happen. I was 11 when she was born, Cue in the stress and depression. Since i was just getting into middle school and all that i couldv’e really used my dads help to get me through all of this bullying and teasing. I didn’t get any respect at school and at home i felt like only my mother loved me and wanted me around. since he wasnt there i had to figure out what a man was all about. how to handle my self, protect myself and how to build my mind up enough to notice things. basically do what my dad was supposed to do. just prepare me for things i know he knew would happen. 

There is both home and school life.... Now here is where music was introduced to me...

8th grade i took up band class i played the tenor saxophone. Now at first i was annoyed that i was in a class where i was constantly judged about how i was playing. But i was wrong, Well atleast for middle school i was. i played in band for 6 months and then was advanced to advanced band. I took to it rather fast and i learned how to play the sax withing those 6 months. now this was a replacement for being social. I didnt have to make friends through talking to them and getting to know them. I made friends by playing music with others. This was an unspoken language tthat to me made more sense then any words that  could be spoken.Harmony in the room as all of the band played these songs. Me being afraid to talk to people led people to talk to me, Now i can talk to people just fine as long as i dont have to start the conversation. and i made a few more friends like this. 

So here is an intermission break down

I was bullied and my father wasnt there. I lost my hair do to stress and depression and i was scared to talk to anyone. Music made me feel like i knew a new language to communicate with the people around me. 

Now here is where Raves came into my life. during the summer before high school i went to my first rave called “lucid dreams”, I was terrified cause there were so many people there. I loved the music cause i was already listening to it for a few years already. But this scene had something different to it that i liked immediately. everyone didnt care how i was or why i was. They  would just smile at me and be friendly without me saying a single word.it was then ithat i found that the dj basically made the moodand was essentially the god of socialness. it was the first time i really felt at home and welcome in a very long time. After i started raving My hair started to grow back and i started to feel alive again. now just before i went to high school i went to one other rave that impacted me. It was called “Defcon 3″

This rave is what introduced me to the thought of being a dj. I remember me and my friends were stanfding outside and talking to this really awesome guy who always had a backpack on (Trajikk). Now we didn’t know who he was until he got on the stage that night and played some amazing hard house.Just seeing the attention he got when he spun his hour set i was in pure awe. i was talking to this man outside and he was completely coo. rhwn after his set i remember everyone going to him and saying how amazing his set was. This interested me causehe went up and showed off his abilities and was getting attention after. People were thanking him and saying how he made their night so much better. i seen this as he just helped these people have a better night. i mean he helped me that night. From that night i was inspired to become a dj, I went out and bought some turntables and a few records and started to play them. i had no idea what i was doing at all.  Then after about 6 or so months i found a website with a forum called “DJTrajikk.com” it was beatfrekz before. but it was the DJ i was talking to outside of the show! so i joined the forum and was like 5th place in posts. I  remember putting up a post saying i bought some decks and was wondering if anyone could help me out. 

Guess who answered, 2 guys from floorbangrs (Might have been beatfrekz still i am not sure) The first was DJ XLR8, He helped me learn how to count the beats and how to adjust. he disnt show me a whole lot but he let me mix and he would explain how things worked and why it didnt work. That day was amazing. I learned so much that day. Now the second reply was from my idol “Trajikk” he invited me over to his house and he tought me a lot more. I was taught how to count the beats and swith the beats up. Identify  and cueing. song structure, how to read a vinyle by the density of the grooves and howhen to mix and how to mix. These two djs taught me everything i needed to get started. a few months later trajikk gave me my first show called “Winter freeze” on December 18 2004. I was so happy that i was shaking. i played and of coarse iu was not so great because i was just starting, I played my set and stepped down. and the people that were there came up to me and started talking with me. They liked the music that i playd and and thanked me. 

To me this was heaven on earth, I loved being able to get off the stage and have people come to me to talk to me. I wasn’t scared of people anymore. it encouraged me to get really good at the art. i was beyond myself with how much music connected me back to the world of the living.

lets end this with why im so depressed...

Im so depressed because i’ve lost my hair, Lost my girl of 5 years, my father passed away and i have a lot of resentment still, I cant spin with these new kids anymore because its not to them like it was to me. It was my way of connecting to the world and now i lost my key to get back in the door. back in the day people would literally go to hear the music the dj played and stay for all the djs sets cause it was amazing mussic. now it’s a bunch of these new kids dressing like little hoes and douch bags. they only listen to one DJ and leave to go to a after party to get drunk and do drugs. and if they do stay they stay out in the smoking section the whole time. the music i play isnt what they like, My music isnt ‘Hard” enough for them. 

Now lets go to the competition night...

This is the end, I was pumped and ready to go and play the set of my life. I get there and i see so many people there already who were ready to support me. I was happy but i was terrified again. i had no connection to this scene anymore how would i dj? i was always confident in my abilities as a dj but this night i was scared more then ever. I drank a few and then played my set. I see in the crowd as i am Spinning the girl i cherish, My friends and my brother and his wife. My nephew and his friend all in the crowd. I freeze... then i press play on my track that was already playing and shut it off, i freaked out and just replayed it from the start. oh well. But with soo much pressure on me that i have never felt before i played a terrible set. They said it was a great set but to me....I felt like i let all these people that never come to see me down. I raised my normally high standard of my self to way higher than i could ever. I couldnt hear the music even though it was sooo loud. I couldn’t think, I couldnt do anything but hope.  The crowd stayed moving the whole time, and cheered me on. .. I felt like i wasted all these peoples time by playing a mediocre set. I let them down cause i didnt bring it like i wanted to. I wanted to impress the girl that i cherish... I put so much pressure on my self that i collapsed. I shut down and got drunk and hated my self.... 

Well i hope this clears things up a bit. You read this and tell me is im just being a dumb ass....

[trendingnewsb]

Sympathy for the Incel

If you want to know why young men are broken, ask them.

There is a cultural crisis emboldening the misogyny and violence of the little-known incel movement (an abbreviation for the self-professed involuntary celibate community of men) and which has now been tied to three mass murders: Elliot Rodger, Chris Harper-Mercer and, this week, the alleged Toronto killer Alek Minassian, who is accused of killing 10 and injuring 15 people in one of the most horrific acts of mass violence in Canada in years.

One after another, media outlets are seeking to understand how this could happen while raising the question of how we got here. The Internet is enabling a community of men who want to kill women, read the headline in The Verge. Can the radicalization of incels be stopped? asked the Globe and Mail. But one headline stood out, from The National Post: What should we do about the incels? Maybe help them. Shouting about what horrible women-hating losers they are (which they may be) is not going to prevent one of them from murdering again.

This, in particular, is the question Im concerned with, and why I am attempting to find whatever empathy or compassion might be possible for the disconnected young men flocking to the movement and who might be at a crossroads. One young man stood out in the countless hours I spent listening to podcasts, videos and chat room conversations within the incel community which I have been following for months now: 19-year-old Jack Peterson, a socially awkward Chicagoan who after hours of interviews agreed to reveal his real identity for the first time to The Daily Beast.

To be clear, Peterson initially did not want to do any media regarding the group, particularly a profile on what the makings of an incel look like, but after considering my appeal that perhaps others might want to reach out if they could have a better understanding, he agreed.

Born Kalerthon Demetro in the suburbs of Chicago, Peterson (his mothers last name) is a high school dropout who lives with his single mother and whose father left when he was two years old. Peripherally involved in the online incel community for years, Petersons first reaction to the Toronto horror was to record a podcast specifically condemning violence and misogyny and underscoring that for the majority of participants, this is not their reality. For him and many like him, he says, the incel community is a means of supporting one another in a world when it sometimes feels like there is no one else.

To listen to the teenager speak, he does not seem psychopathic. He does not seem like he endorses psychopathy. On the contrary, he seems shy and awkward and lonely and angry. He laughs when other incels make dark jokes about killers, but he does not make them himself. He gets it. They are blowing off steam.

Being an incel is not about violence or misogyny, repeats Peterson, who is the only incel who has been on television doing interviews in recent days since the alleged Toronto killer pointed a finger at the incel movement in a cryptic post on Facebook confirmed earlier this week. Yes, for some guys it is, but not for me. Not for many of us.

The challenge in covering the incel movement is that in many cases the cherry-picked and sensationalist coverage reinforces these mens persecution complexes and drives them further into a pit of rage-fueled nihilism. Attempting to find any kind of compassion is in no way to excuse or normalize the deranged among them. On the other hand, it is to see what options we have left in reaching them at all.

In the groundbreaking book Change or Die, author Alan Deutschman writes, [The sense of self is threatened by any major change in the deep-rooted patterns of how we think, feel, and act, even a tremendously positive change such as leaving behind a life of crime and addiction. A change in progress demands new explanations for a past thats now cast in a darker light.

Essentially, reaching someone entrenched within a near-fanatical belief system is often impossible because the ego will put up a fight to the death in order to not deal with the psychic pain of feeling that everything that has been done up until this point has been done wrong. But it is possible.

In Deutschmans book, spanning extensive research on changing past negative behavior to future positive actions, one case study of a parole officer illuminates how he found the most success in reaching the seemingly unreachable. By realizing that the real reason why people dont change is demoralizationthe overwhelming sense of hopelessness and power he applied the theory that the most he could do is to inspire a new sense of hope and power. Indeed, this officer invited 14 of the most argumentative ex-convicts and spent 90-minute sessions listening to them rather than telling them what to do. The response was extraordinary. The parole officer recounted: In one and a half hours they calmed down. They said, These guys arent against us. Now they come back every week and say, At least Im being listened to. In the last year the difference has been huge. They want to make a change.

In speaking to Peterson on the phone, while a journalist is about as a far away from a parole officer as you can get, its amazing the difference that occurs when I listen to what he has to say about the reality of incel culture versus how he sees the media portraying its members.

In his view, as despicable and morally unfathomable as the psychopathic fringe is, the reality of the wider membership estimated in the tens of thousands of active members is far more complex.

The way Peterson tells itand as is supported by his digital footprint of videos, podcasts and commentsfor him and many others, to be an incel is to seek the camaraderie of a group of male peers who provide an outlet where, for once, they can honestly talk about the increasing fragmentation, disconnection, alienation and ostracization they feel in an always-online world in which, as far as they can see, they are not welcome or wanted.

Peterson compared the mischaracterization of incels to the xenophobic broad brush that takes a minority of radicalized Islamic suicide-bombers and uses it to condemn the vast majority of Muslims. Instead, he said, there is an acceptance that there is a vile minority who distorts the vision of the communitybut that it is not his vision for the group.

Like many in the incel community, Peterson essentially grew up without a strong father figure.

His mother kicked his father out because, in Petersons words, he used to beat the shit out of my mother and she got a restraining order. His father was the same age that he is now when he got his 39-year-old mother pregnant, and hes never met him, but they have spoken on the phone a few times.

I dont really have any feelings about him, Peterson says. He just kind of is.

From an early age, Peterson felt a level of social anxiety that was bearable but distinct. His kindergarten teacher asked him why he did not play with the others. He said, I dont know how.

Things started to change around the third or fourth grade. It was the first time the girls started making fun of him, he says, saying he was creepy and gross and weird.

I didnt understand it, he says. I was told either to act like a man or that girls could do no wrong. And yet I was constantly told that men were the cruel, bad ones. None of it made any sense to me. I was just extremely shy. I didnt talk to them, but the teasing was relentless and made me want to kill myself.

In the seventh grade, Peterson transferred to three different middle schools all in one year as the bullying followed him everywhere. By the time he reached high school, he says, one young woman started taking photos of him and sharing them with other girls who openly laughed in his face about how ugly he was and why they did not want him near them. He did not finish his freshman year at the Chicago Academy for the Arts, but dropped out after the first semester. His mother never knew the extent of the bullying he experienced.

I was just ashamed, he says. How do you talk about that?

The profoundly formative pain of youthful bullying has been around forever. When a classmate taunts you and proclaims your worthlessness to all your peers, if you are a kid, the humiliation of such an experience doesnt feel like its happening in a classroomit can feel like a worldwide-televised death sentence.

Very few kids on the receiving end of the cruelty know how to deal with itbecause of a lack of life experience that is just as undeveloped as their pubescent brains.

But for a kid growing up today, the tool of the Internet levels the game. No longer do you wonder, Will anyone ever love me? Now you can Google it, and find secret places and communities and bodies of knowledge that your parents dont even know exist. This can be exciting, emboldening, a total game-changer.

I remember the first time I found a site that even mentioned the word incel, I was like, Woah, these guys are outcasts, too, he says. I kind of felt like, maybe Im not alone.

At the age of 11, Peterson visited 4chan for the first time, and he saw his rage and loneliness expressed as well as the impotence of such advice as just get over it. He didnt know how to. He didnt have anyone to ask. He just didnt want any more ridicule.

It was kind of crazy to see and read a lot of the stuff I did, Peterson says. But it was also the only place where other guys talked about some of the things I was experiencing. Feeling so alone and rejected by the people around you. I was extremely shy then, and still kind of am, but it makes you feel really fucked up to be told youre a creepy loser by a pretty popular girl when youre just sitting there, saying nothing, doing nothing, wishing you were invisible but instead being the quiet freak with the cystic acne all over his face.

He also received an indoctrination into the culture of these young men who accepted him and what they found acceptableand what he would need to as well if he were to finally fit in somewhere.

To understand the increasingly irony-rich language of the users, its essential to read Angela Nagles book Kill All Normies, which exquisitely captures the critical shift in online perspective and the death of what remained of a mass culture sensibility that happened at exactly the same time Peterson began actively engaging with it.

In her brilliant book documenting the culture wars of the extreme left and the extreme right in recent years, focusing on subcultures including 4chan and incels, Nagle describes the attitude rebellion on the site against the sentimentality and absurd priorities of Western liberal performative politics and the online mass hysteria that often characterized it.

Peterson is one of the best representations of exactly how these culture wars are shaping our young mens identities.

When everything is ironic, nothing is. So they mock it. All of it.

Theres this big hypocrisy in the fact that so many people who say they are all about human rights and empowerment think its actually funny when boys get mocked, he says. I never said a single misogynistic thing growing up. And I was punished. Just because I was weird. I couldnt help it. I honestly wanted to die.

On the contrary, the incel communities he found online seemed different.

When I dropped out of high school, the one place I felt okay about stuff for a little while was when I was online, Peterson tells me. By the time I discovered the incel culture on Reddit, it felt like, Okay, Im not insane. I was reading all these other guys stories about how girls told them they were repulsive. I never identified with the misogyny, but I did identify with the rage at the hypocrisy of just how untouchable women were in society. No matter what, no matter what awful thing a woman did, it was always supposed to be like, Oh yeah, thats female empowerment. But when you have no friends and are getting bullied and humiliated by women constantly and are told to both man up and renounce your masculinity its like the one bright light you see is this community.

By the time he was 16, Peterson finally met in person a young womanfour years older than himwith whom he had been chatting online since he was 12 years old. She did not know what he looked like for some time, and when he finally shared his picture, she told him that she didnt find him attractive. He lost his virginity to her, after which he says she ridiculed his penis size and laughed at him. Later, she sent him copies of messages that she had sent on to other men she was cheating on him with where she explicitly described the sex acts she wanted done to her. (Ive seen corroborating evidence of all of this.)

I was literally cucked, Peterson says. That word doesnt have any meaning anymore, but thats what I was. I still wanted to see her though. She was the only girl who had ever expressed interest in me, even though she tore me down and told me how ugly I was. It was still better than nothing.

According to Peterson, the relationship finally disintegrated when she began choking him and tried to go after him in her car. He ran to a nearby store to get help, and has the actual footage of the security cam showing him flailing against the glass window. The police came, and to cover for the girl, he said that he was suicidal. He spent three days in a mental institution because of it.

This was a turning point for Peterson.

He finally aligned himself fully as an incel. He was, in the words of Internet argot, black-pilled.

Anyone who has dabbled in understanding Internet lingo is likely familiar with the term red-pilled (inspired by the film The Matrix, where Neo is offered a blue pill where everything stays status quo or a red pill where the ugly truth is supposedly exposed). Adopted by mens rights activists around 2004, to get red-pilled is to subscribe to the particular ideology that feminism is a cancer and men are the real victims. But what does it mean to get black-pilled, as many refer to this communitys belief system? It sounds as bleak as it is.

Essentially, the philosophy is that everything is broken and the answer lies in refusing to engage in a meaningful or constructive way with society. (The phrase black pill first appeared in 2012 on a blog called Omega Virgin Revolt.) A critical part of being black-pilled is recognizing, with zero sentimentality or euphemism or explaining away, that women do not like genetically inferior men. They now have infinite options in the form of men who are higher status (be it, economic, physical, or intellectual) because of the breakdown in societal monogamy and now high-status men can game apps and use hypergamy (or dating up) to their advantage. (Meaning, a less attractive woman will nowadays reject a less attractive male if she is suddenly able to have meaningless sex with a high status man, who can juggle multiple women. This leaves men who are not as good-looking in the dust.)

Incels theorize that once you are black-pilled, you are finally given the gift of brutally honest Darwinian truth that, essentially, the game is rigged, so why bother? With such entrenchment in the truth of the doctrine comes freedom. No longer do you have to run around in circles. You can accept the world for what it is and settle back into your status on the lower rungs.

If you are red-pilled, you might take this theory of female behavior to use it in manipulative pick-up strategies to try to game women into thinking you are higher status or to find the weakest prey.

If you are an incel and have never had a single successful romantic attempt or only disastrous ones, this type of theorizing provides that wonderful feeling of certainty that comes with confirmation bias and the emancipation from regret of knowing that nothing could have been done anyway. Which is why many incels describe being black-pilled as an awakening from humiliation. Like finally realizing that you have been the subject of a joke that everyone else has been in on the whole time.

For a young man like Peterson, spouting such beliefs, he seems not so much a product of toxic masculinity as a failure of masculinity itself.

No one is teaching these men how to be men. This doesnt mean men in the sense of mens rights activists, but a healthy, balanced (not extremist) definition which includes someone who treats women well but also treats himself well by not being afraid to think for himself with opinions that deviate from the loudest, most hateful elements in the community.

But isnt the worst parts of the incel community hate speech? And shouldnt such hate speech be eradicated?

In Nadine Strossens timely new book Hate, she makes the case for countering bad speech with more speech, and illustrates how in countries where hate speech speech laws have been enacted, support for racist and xenophobic politicians has risen. In Europe, hate speech laws have in fact been used as a means of stifling dissent amongst the disenfranchised.

Equal justice for all depends on full freedom of speech for all, she writes.

Not only that, but as Keith Whittington argues in his new book Speak Freely, offensive speech is crucial to safeguard because of its utility in generating, testing, and communicating ideas.

One of the most brilliant defenses of the subject is Jonathan Rauchs 2013 essay, The Case for Hate Speech in The Atlantic, where he thanks the loudest and most noxious voices he faced along the way in his fight for gay marriage. [W]e won in the realm of ideas, he writes. And our antagonists–people who spouted speech we believed was deeply offensive, from Anita Bryant to Jerry Falwell to, yes, Orson Scott Card–helped us win.

For the incel community, of course, many of the ideas espoused are in defense of their identity as the losers of society, which frees them of the need to take personal responsibility.

I think thats a valid criticism, Peterson says. I get sick of the guys who seem like they just want to keep others down no matter what. Its almost like you are scorned when you experience a little bit of success.

The podcast Peterson recorded after the Toronto attack represents the incel community as not seeming as extreme as a cursory visit to the incel-tracking site We Hunted the Mammoth or the incel-mocking community Incel Tears might lead you to believe. On these sites, in the communitys most chilling screengrabs, posts include suggestions that in order to truly terrorize the women who have rejected incels over the years, perhaps mass acid attacks and rapes could be coordinated in order to inflict the same damage upon women that these young men feel has happened to them.

In contrast, Petersons podcast discussion contains an unusual degree of literacy about sociological phenomena, including the Japanese trend of hikikomori, or isolationism and utter retreat occurring with young men, which many incels predict will spread around the world in due time.

But at its core, it is still a conversation littered with misogyny and resentment.

At one point, someone says that women use men like emotional tampons. Another brings up the possibility of mandated girlfriends (or state-sanctioned rape, as shown on the new season of The Handmaids Tale). A joke is made that the best-case scenario is when incels go ER (or Elliot Rodger). There is discussion about the evolutionary benefits of sexual violence, which harkens Rodgers infamously deranged advocacy of a program where men could kill all women because if women were able to choose their own mates, their inferior brains would devolve humanity completely. Someone laughs about the idea of blackmailing women into having sex with them by threatening to post nude photos online. Peterson himself brings up the idea of access to assisted suicide for incels to prevent future attacks, and he suggests that talking to those who wonder about incel culture might help with improving our image, especially if you attach a face to the incel phenomenon, I think that that makes it more sympathetic.

Peterson clarifies to me: He was not suggesting it be him.

I meant someone else, but then it turned out, I guess I was the only person dumb enough to show my face in videos I made online, he says. So here we are.

When I ask him about the references in the podcast to Rodger, he responds, That guy was fucking nuts. I dont really joke about going ER, but I dont tell the guys who make those jokes not to do it because I know theyre being sarcastic. All this shocking stuff is often just the guys trolling. I would argue that I dont think anybody is going to be stupid enough to believe that sanctioned rape is being talked about as an actual suggestion. Sometimes the most ridiculous shit makes me laugh, even though I dont condone it. So if I do laugh at some of this stuff its probably me laughing at something because its fucking stupid.

The psychopaths are the problem, not the incels, he says.

If someone is going to carry out an attack like this theyre gonna have to be severely mentally ill to be capable of that, he says. Making jokes or being active in the incel community doesnt cause it. Being mentally ill does.

But what about when jokes arent just jokes?

I mention how last year when the Nazi website The Daily Stormers guidebook was leaked online, it contained the message: The unindoctrinated should not be able to tell if we are joking or not. So what about when such humor is actually a means of subversive propaganda?

I can see that, Peterson acknowledges. I mean, Ive had guys tell me some really fucked-up shit, and Ive told them, you know, get some help because I dont want you to hurt anyone. But I do think that making dark jokes for people who arent mentally ill helps keep a lot of us from going crazy.

And how exactly does he feel about the disparagement of women in saying that they use men as emotional tampons? Men do the same fucking thing, Peterson says. Thats not a one-sided thing. Men can use women emotionally, too.

And what of the suicide idea?

What it really comes down to is that Id rather these mass shooters and attackers just kill themselves than kill 10 or more innocent people. So maybe if it was easier to commit suicide wed see less of these attacks. Im not condoning suicide but I prefer that to innocent people dying.

On the incels.me forum, a stated list of rules for participation include guidelines that are stricter than most elite private clubs in America.

No women allowed. No exception.

Yes, this means that a forum dedicated to decrying success with women has as one of its primary rules a focus on enforced isolation. Other rules also brutally shut out any chance to provide advice or mentorship to other young men.

A few months ago, when Peterson was using the forum, he suddenly found that he was banned from having certain privileges in the chatrooms. Even the incels, it seemed, were rejecting him.

In response, he filmed and put on his YouTube one of the most astonishing, hyper-granular deconstructions of modern Internet life Ive ever seen.

It is bizarro land for anyone not deep in the world of Internet language.

To create the video, he spent three days nonstop (two days spent up for 24 hours straight in between passing out) to create a meticulous 30-minute PowerPoint video that he filmed objecting to the ban and making his case that he in fact was a genuine incel using a barrage of evidence and minutiae and dictionary definitions and failures of logic to try to break down the bullying he felt he experienced on the forum.

And, if you want to get brutal about the absurdity of the exercise (and the insanity such subcultures can create amongst its members), to prove exactly why he was just as reprehensible to society as the rest of the incels.

It was pretty ridiculous, he says in retrospect. Its like American Vandal, Netflixs mockumentary on super-deep-dive crime docs, except with the heartbreaking element of seeing how brainwashed a young man is into trying to obtain peer approval.

At one point in the video, he even includes a diagnosis that he is paranoid schizophrenic as evidence that he ought to qualify as an incel because of this mental illness. The reality is that after he was given that diagnosis, another psychologist said he was not. Instead, the doctor told him (and is evidenced in the video), he was making himself sick with his own thoughts.

All of this humiliation is laid out for his fellow community of incels to seeand all of it to get back into good standing in the incel community. Thats how bad isolated young men want status and the reassurance of having a community to call their own. Even when the group identity is in how perversely low and entrenched their status really is.

Is it any wonder that these boys need a father figure?

Canadian psychologist Jordan Peterson (no relation to Jack) has been known to be moved to tears in interviews when discussing the crisis of alienation he sees amongst young men today and the need to provide them with tools that will reach them.

As he told Tim Lott of The Spectator late last year about his 90 percent male audience, Im telling them something they desperately need to hearthat there are important things that need to be fixed up. Im saying, You guys really need to get your act together and you need to bear some responsibility and grow the hell up. The lack of an identifiable and compelling path forward and the denialism these kids are being fed on a daily basis is undoubtedly destroying them and that is especially true of the young men.

Lott then observes the author of The 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos displaying a level of vulnerability on the subject that is striking.

At this point, to my astonishment, Peterson begins to weep. He talks through his tears for the next several minutes. Every time I talk about this, it breaks me up, he says. The message Ive been delivering is, Find the heaviest weight you can and pick it up. And that will make you strong. Youre not who you could be. And who you could be is worthwhile.

As psychologist William Pollack articulates in the documentary The Mask You Live In about the boy code that warps masculinity from an early age: The way that boys are brought up makes them hide all of their natural, vulnerable, empathic feelings behind a mask of masculinity When theyre most in pain, they cant reach out and ask for help because theyre not allowed to or they wont be a real boy.

In fact, boys express depression in a completely opposite way than girls. They act out. But most people see it as a conduct disorder or just a bad kid.

After the Parkland high school shooting in March, one of the foremost activists in trying to address the crisis of reaching out to troubled young men before they become killers met with President Donald Trump to say his piece. Every single one of these school shootings has been from young men who are disconnected, said Darrell Scott, the father of the first student murdered at Columbine High School almost 20 years ago. In response, he founded Rachels Challenge to intervene with action rather than yet another toothless spectacle of condemnation of the empirically condemnable violence itself.

In a tweet rant posted during this same time by Martin Daubney, the editor of the English lad magazine Loaded, he articulated a similarly jarring portrait of collective angst from young men who feel callously tossed aside and branded as innately wrong, which only serves to compound the sense of victimization even further.

Im mindful of a seminal TEDTalk by Warren Farrell, author of The Boy Crisis, Daubney wrote. He looks at school shootings, and says: Boys who hurt, hurt us…They say todays boys feel part of some grand problem. You could frame it as #ToxicMasculinity: the notion that all males are to blame for the actions of a minority of damaged individuals. This is identity politics at its most destructive. Because we live in a world where every male indiscretion is used to attack all males. Im saying this: many boys are switching off. Were losing them.

How does an incel feel about all of this concernextended within the realm of ideas and intellectualism?

Itd be nice, Jack Peterson says, if he just had someone else to talk to about it.

I like Jordan Peterson a lot, he admits in a tone that sounds more upbeat than the rest of our conversation. I was going to go see him with another incel but that guy ended up not being able to go. But I bought a VIP ticket so I get to meet him next week.

In the wake of the Toronto attack, Peterson is unique in that unlike many in the incel community who have scrubbed their social or taken down their WordPress blogs that chronicled their life, he decided to see what happened when he went on TV to talk about his life in this widely reviled community now most associated with mass murder.

The decision to do so was gutsy. Especially considering the against-the-agenda talking points he is now presenting in condemning misogyny and violence.

The reaction he has received from other incels has been negative. And the public certainly doesnt like anyone who might be an incel.

Its an unwinnable place to be for someone who might still have a chance of climbing out of the twisted, self-fulfilling prophecy gutter that such dangerous places can become for young men who dont think they have anywhere else to go.

But Peterson doesnt regret doing the media and putting his face out there.

Instead, he speaks with an inverse of the perverted sadism of the Toronto attacker. It is a nihilism of potential that is in stark contrast to the nihilism of murderous revenge.

As he describes the decision, you can almost hear an epiphany clicking: When you dont care when you have nothing else to lose, it can be used for good or evil.

I dont know why I said yes to identifying myself as an incel, he says, mulling it over. I just felt like, you know What do I have to lose?

Of course, within the incel community itself, the answer is clear.

He could very well lose his status as an incel.

They called him all the predictable names. He was a cuck. He was a status-seeker. He was an opportunist. He was a number of slurs that are not fit to print. But for an incel, the worst insult he received of all was that he was a fake.

And, this being incel-world, the name he was called was targeted and precise.

You see, for incels, each man within the community self-identifies with how they qualify for their incel status. For instance, mentalcels achieve their status as a result of mental illness. A braincel is that way because of intelligence. A truecel has never had sex, a relationship, any kind of success at all.

Thus Peterson was called a fakecel. No, Peterson says, thats wrong. He definitely still is an incel. He is a part of the group. Where then does he now belong?

Peterson is quiet as he considers the answer.

I think something where I can help people, he says. I like talking about the positive stuff more, even if its frowned upon.

He considers a while longer.

I dont know, he considers, maybe Im a hopecel.

Read more: https://www.thedailybeast.com/sympathy-for-the-incel

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