#im screaming and shaking you don’t understand how good he is

[fixedspeech]

...my boyfriend finally pulled out his Fyodor impression in bed... I'm fucken embarrassed /w\

[sugume]

CONJUGAL VISIT w/jujutsu Kiasen

Description: in which an inmate of a prison or jail is permitted to spend several hours or days in private with a visitors

More: Fem!Reader, explicit content, unprotected sex, some d/s dynamics with Toji, American prison system? (idk if other countries allow this lol?) 

☾ Ryomen Sukuna 

He's been in solitary for so long that you start to think you'll never see him again. He finally fixes his attitude enough to come in contact with others and eventually gets some visitation rights. Get used to having sex with him here because the guards inform you he isn't leaving for a long time.

 “s’too much Kuna!” You whine into the flat pillow but your boyfriend Sukuna could care less and keeps pounding into you from behind.

“Think I care slut? Been away from this pussy for months now, shut up and take what I give you.” He grits out, pushing deeper into your back with one hand, fisting your hair with the other. He’d be damned if you tell him what to do after all this time away. Do you know how spineless he had to act in order to get this visit, on his ‘best behavior’, desperate to finally be able to sink in some cunt after being surrounded by irrelevant men and guards with their heads up their asses?

“Feels s’good,” you moan when Sukuna hits your special spot. “I’m gonna cum!”

“That fast slut, it hasn't even been ten minutes” He chuckles, leaning down to bite your shoulder.

“Missed you, ‘Kuna, c-cant cum ‘out you.”

“Can’t do shit without me, bet you can’t even function out there without me,” He groans in your hair, you don't understand half of what he’s saying you just nod mindlessly and slam your hips back on his cock.

“Then cum on my cock, whore.”

☾ Gojo Satoru 

He's on a mission that requires him to go to jail. The prison warden is in on it, but that doesn't mean your boyfriend doesn't want to experience the "real deal." He convinces the warden to allow him weekly fuck sessions because he says he can't complete the mission without them.

“i-Im gonna cum ‘Toru!” you whine aloud, to far gone to be embarrassed that your boyfriend is fucking you on scratchy sheets in a bed that probably hasn’t been thoroughly cleaned in years or the fact that multiple other girls have probably been in the same position you’re in with other inmates, on the same bed.

“So tight love, haven't you been using your dildos in my absence?’ he questions as he thrusts into your glistening cunt. Watching as you throw your head back, tears running down your cheeks.

“They’re too small ‘Toru!” You wrap your legs around his hard ass trying to get him as deep as he can.

“Aww, they can't make you cum as hard as I can, can they love?” he pouts against your swollen lips. You shake your head furiously, listening to the sounds your squelching cunt makes when he thrust back in, his balls slapping hard against your ass.

“Think i'll ask if I can get out early on good behavior. I can't leave my girl unsatisfied now.” He chuckles before diving his tongue into your mouth.  

☾ Toji Fushiguro 

Your mans got locked up again! This isn't the first time, nor will it be the last. You don’t know how he convinces the guards to allow you to visit time and time again, but you won't complain. You always miss him when he's gone every few months. The guard just sighs when he sees you’re here for visitation again

“You miss me, little girl?” he grins, sticking thick fingers in your already sopping cunt. “You know I always miss you when you’re gone, daddy.” You gasp, your back hitting the cold concrete wall behind you when Toji curls into your g-spot. 

“So so bad.” you whine, grinding your aching clit on his hard stomach, legs tightening around his slim waist when you find the perfect spot.

“You wanna cum little girl?” he asks while marking up your neck. He needs others to know you’re taken and if he can't be around you at the moment he’ll make it known another way.

“Yes Toji!” You scream.

“Yes what?” He stops his fingers.

“Yes daddy,” you whisper, moving your hips desperate to not lose the orgasm you were chasing. “Please make me come daddy, please!” 

“That's what I thought little girl” He says before continuing his movements and biting down on your heavy bottom lip.

☾ Choso Kamo

Too ashamed that he ended up in prison to allow you to visit him for a while. After much reassurance from you that you don’t look at him differently he finally comes out of his shell and makes friends. Get’s out early on good behavior.

“You think someones watching?” You mumble, looking back at the camera in the corner of the dark lit room.

“F-fuck baby, don’t fuckin’ stop,” Choso whines, gripping your waist, trying to make you bounce on his stiff cock. ‘Who cares if they are, baby? They won’t touch.”

You turn back around and grin down at your boyfriend “mmm, isn't that how you got in here in the first place Choso, beating up a man for touching me?” You start grinding on his cock again.

“Do anything for you, baby.” He moans gripping your waist when your tight walls start squeezing down on him, trying hard not to bust a nut so quickly.

“Yeah,” you moan out, feeling his cock twitch in you. “Now you’re stuck in here for months away from me.” You pout and claw at his chest when Choso starts to bounce you on his cock. God, if only he didn’t beat that man up you’d have this every night.

“Worth it.” He looks up at the camera, imagining the security guard looking down at your ass recoil when he slams you down on his cock

[charliemwrites]

Part 5 of Obsessive!johnny

(CW: extremely dubious consent; I’d go so far as to say straight non-con. No violence. Please be safe, beans! 💕)

It’s your own fault - or no. That’s a dangerous way of thinking it not your fault. But you got complacent. Got desensitized to that looming sense of danger, the threat hiding in the shadow of his eyes. That little voice in the back of your head became background noise, not the guide it used to be.

All it took was a slip of your carefully crafted mask understanding Johnny’s “love” for you. Just one careless comment, a tone too honest.

You don’t even remember what you said now. Just that the feverish light in his eyes changed instantly. Like a shift in sunlight through colored glass. What frightened you was how his expression changed, shut down hard. His jaw tensing, brows going deceptively smooth.

“Is all this not enough for you?” he asks, taking big, measured steps towards you.

You start backing up, heart tripping over itself. “That’s not-“

“How many ways do you need me to prove it, hm?” he asks. “I’ve apologized a hundred times, bonnie, haven’t I? Is that not enough for you? I’m still not worth it to you?”

You put your hands up, all your carefully crafted and scripted responses fleeing in the face of this new, unfamiliar Johnny. He’s - he’s angry at you. Not because of you, or for you, but at you.

“I’ve been patient, haven’t I?” he continues, low voice wavering with something frightening. “Do you know how hard it is, seeing you cry for a life that wasn’t good enough for you? Do you have any idea how hard I’ve been trying?”

You swallow thickly, try to rally your scrambled thoughts. He just working himself up more and more and that voice that fell so quiet is screaming now. So loud it’s hard to make your mouth work.

“I-I know. I’m sorry,” you manage. “Im just… I lost my temper and said something I didn’t mean…”

His eyes narrow. “Oh, no, hen. I think you meant it.”

He up close to you now, barely a centimeter of space between your bodies. The heat of him is suffocating. You’ve never been so aware of how much bigger than you he is. It thrilled you when he’d loom over you at the bar, cocky confidence and easy smiles.

You meet his eyes.

And for a moment, he softens. You have the briefest golden flicker of hope.

And then he sighs. Deep and resigned. Your stomach flips.

“It’s my fault,” he mutters finally, shaking his head. “Haven’t been treating you right, have I?”

You don’t dare answer.

“Treating you like you’re one thing when you’re really everything.”

You open your mouth, try to speak, to reason with him. He just shushes you with a hand on your cheek, thumb pressing your lips closed.

“Always spoiling you like the princess you are, when sometimes you need to be treated like a slut.”

He jerk’s you around and shoves you onto the bed, plants a big hand between your shoulder blades and presses.

“Soap!”

“Hush up, baby, it’s alright. You don’t have to pretend to be all prim and proper,” he soothes, knocking your feet apart. “I don’t think any less of you for needing cock. Only natural.”

Your underwear rips like wet paper, accompanied by your high-pitched squeal of alarm. He makes a low, rough noise. Pure, animal lust. The fabric of his pants chafes against the backs of your thighs.

“Oh, there she is,” he purrs, “just like I thought.”

You cry out as rough fingers drag through your slit, gathering the slick you can’t believe is leaking from you.

“I’ve been so bad to you, bonnie, not treating you the way you need. No wonder you got all fussy and snappy.” The hazy thought that he might not he talking to you at all anymore burns through you. When you shift, trying to close your legs self-consciously, a sharp slap to your clit collapses your knees.

“We’re gonna set you right, babygirl,” he growls. “Won’t be able to worry your pretty little head anymore.”

He plunges two fingers into you without preamble. The stretch is vicious, but it doesn’t hurt. Not really. You’re too wet. Still, you scream - because Johnny’s spent so many hours playing with you, learning you, that he knows exactly where to press and curl and rub his fingers.

“Wait, wait,” you gasp, tears already collecting in your eyes because he’s being mean about it, twisting to grind his thumb against your clit. It’s too much, you’re not ready no matter what your body says. “Soap, don’t- ngh!”

“Gonna show you why you’re better off here. Right here. Gonna give this pretty cunt what it needs.”

The third finger is a stretch. You try to get away, try to crawl onto the bed to run, but he stomps a boot onto the chain around your ankle and flattens you to the mattress.

“Keep pretending if you want, baby,” he murmurs, “I know what you really need now.”

He’s withdrawing his fingers while you’re still pleading and babbling. You’re horrified to realize you don’t know if you want them back. It doesn’t matter though. Because Johnny’s cock is splitting you open before you can decide, thicker and longer than you’ve ever taken. He curses and groans as he pushes into you, inch by hot inch. Until you feel the fat leaking head tap at your cervix and he grinds, balls kissing your clit.

“T-too much!” you sob. “‘S too much!! Johnny, Johnny, please!”

Heat floods you as he shudders, hips jerking hard and rough. By your head, his fist is white-knuckled in the sheets.

“Did… did you just…?”

“Say my name again,” he snarls.

You blink wetly. “W-wha…?”

“Say. It. Again.” Each word punctuated by a brutal thrust. Something drips down your thigh.

“J-Johnny,” you keen, trying to beg for mercy.

“Jus’ like that.” He’s still hard. Still so fucking hard it’s like you’ve been edging him for hours. Like he didn’t just flood your poor pussy with cum.

“Been dreaming of you saying my name. Haven’t all this time,” he pants, rocking into you hard and fast. Any semblance of restraint is long gone. “Now I know why. Finally fuckin’ earned it. Gonna keep earnin’ it from now on.”

He fucks you so hard the bed leaves dents in the wall. Forces a hand beneath your pelvis to pinch your clit between two fingers and hurtles you shrieking into an orgasm. He doesn’t stop, doesn’t pause for a single beat. Just hitches your knee up onto the mattress and somehow fucks into your harder, faster, deeper. His fingers rub cruel circles into your oversensitive clit and you burn.

“No, no, wait, Johnny- ah! No, I’m gonna - it feels like-”

Wet heat gushes from you, spilling down your thighs, all over the bed and floor. You - you -

“Fuck, you squirted everywhere, good fuckin’ girl, princess.” He slows just a bit, presumably to appreciate the mess you’ve made. You’re too far gone on shock and awful pleasure to do more than sniffle and hiccup pathetically.

And then a death sentence.

“Do it again.”

[6ix9inewiturmom]

Rated R (Chris’ Version) Part 2

Summary: You and chris explore your sexual fantasy’s with each other

Warnings: SMUTTTTTTTTTT, P in V, degration, Dom!chris, Sub!fem!reader, creampie, squirting, multiple orgasms, oral (fem receiving), pet names (ma, baby), praising

A/N: HERSES PART 2!! LUV YALL BABIES TYSM FOR OVER 200 FOLLOWERS!!!

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

“i wasn’t kidding Y/N.. you’re gonna count how many times i can make you cum in one night” chris says sternly causing a rush of wetness and heat to my core.

i nodded in agreement at his words with a blush creeping on my cheeks.

“words ma” chris grabs the sides of my cheeks and makes me look at him in his eyes.

“y-yes chris” i smiled at him softly but nervously, chris and i have had sex many times but never like this… ever… now chris wasn’t soft on me during sex but it wasn’t the way i HOPED for… this? this is what i needed.

chris nodded “you’re listening so good to me ma” he leaned down and gave me a short but passionate kiss.

a blush appeared on my lips as his lips traveled down my neck sucking harshly creating dark purplish blue marks from my jaw to my collarbone letting soft moans out of my lips.

chris grabs my jaw “now your not gonna cover these up okay? you’re gonna let everyone see who you belong to? okay? understand?” his voice deepened

i nodded staring deep in his eyes.

“don’t give me those eyes baby” chris smirked

“what eyes?” i bit my lip softly as my lips curled up into a smile.

“god you have no idea how much you do to me” he softly bites his lower lip watching my eyes trail to his growing bulge in his sweatpants.

“nu uh. eyes up here” my eyes darted back to his as he lowers his body down to take my pants and underwear off in one swift motion leaving me bare from the waist down. chris can’t help but stare at the glistening coming from my arousal.

his fingers go up and down my soaking fold and a light groan comes from his lips “so soaked, baby” i moan at his tips of his fingers rubbing against my clit moving to my core and back up to my clit collecting my wetness on his fingers before lowering his head down and giving my clit a small kiss.

“remember ma, your gonna count how many times you cum for me okay?” chris says

“yes chris” i smile softly

he lowers his head and starts sucking on my clit harshly and immediately adding a finger in me curling it upwards hitting my g-spot and flicking his tongue hitting my clit at just the right angle.

“oh chris” i breathe out

he hums against me sending vibrations through my body making my back arch off the bed. he takes his arm and hooks it around my pelvis to hold me down.

“f-fuck chris. s’so good b-baby” i groan.

he smiles against me adding another finger in me curling both upward as my walls tighten around his fingers, he lifts his head up.

“you gonna cum baby? ur so fucking tight baby” he growls

“mhpf- YES” i scream out in pleasure “just li-like that baby- don’t stop”

he quickens his pace as my legs shake violently from his fingers attacking my sensitive hole, his moves his thumb over my clit causing my hips to jerk up and a pornographic moan coming out of my mouth

“s’so close baby” i breathe out

“come on baby, cum, do it ma, you’re doin so good for me yeah?” he softly speaks

with his words i cream leaks from my hole and down to his fingers “atta girl” he smirks.

“o-one” i struggle to get that word out as im already fucked out from just his fingers.

“such a good listener ma” he removes his fingers out of me moving to lay down next to me on the bed before grabbing my hips making me sit on top of him “now i want you to sit on my face…” he smiles up at me

“i-i can’t.. i’m gonna hurt you” i say with a worry in my tone.

“ma, if im gonna die this is how i wanna die, die from pussy…” he grabs my hips and moves me up and i place my thighs on either side of his head and with his hands he forces my hips down to his mouth and he immediately gets to work causing my whole body to go limp. i grab the headboard for more support.

“FUCK CHRIS” i scream out as he begins to tongue fuck me sucking on my clit causing my hips to move back and forth.

“yeah? feel good ma? he asks softly looking up at me with his mouth and chin wet. he has never looked sexier.

he sucks on my clit harshly releasing with a pop sound and flicks his tongue around my clit. my knuckles turn white from how harsh im gripping the headboard.

“c-close” i breath out between moans and a string of ‘chris’ and fuck’ leaving my lips. he hums on my clit making me release right on the spot. cum leaking out from me and on to his face. he moves me off of him flipping me on my back and wiping his face with the back of his head grinning like a kid in the candy store.

“t-two” i breathe out coming down from mt high with shaky breathing.

“good fucking girl, ma” he grins leaning down to give me a passionate kiss on my lips forcing me to taste myself on his tongue. “taste good hm?” he smiles, i nod.

chris steps off the bed as he removes his boxers and sweatpants in one making his touch deprived cock slap his abdomen, stepping out of his pants and his shirt. i use his time while he’s undressing to remove my bra and shirt while his eyes travel down my body and back to my eyes.

he grabs my ankles sliding me down the bed so my legs dangle between his body as he lines himself with my entrance rubbing it up and down my soaping sensitive folds as my hips jerk and a whine leave my lips.

“shhh it’s okay you know i’ll take care of you baby” he smiled softly

“s-sensitive” i look at him through my lashes batting my eyes at him

“i know ma, i got you” he says softly while slowly pushing himself halfway in me “fuck you’re so fucking tight baby” he says in a groan almost at a whimper

he bottoms out and stays there for a split second before pounding his hips into mine and placing my legs on his shoulders for support and groaning through every thrust.

“o-oHH CHRISS FU-FUCKKKKK” within minutes my legs shake on his shoulders using his soft hand to caress my legs while still violently pounding repeatedly into me

“this pussy is so fucking good to me” he grunts

he presses his hand on my lower stomach while leaning into me pressing my legs close to my chest getting deeper in me then his dick has been before.

strings of cuss words leave my lips as my walls squeeze his dick in all the right places.

“someone’s close hm?” he chuckles

i nod vigorously while being completely incoherent.

“go on baby, cum on me, lemme have it ma” he grunts in my ear

“c-cumm” i was cut off by my orgasm… it wasn’t my normal one though i completely squirted all over his lower half, his dick stayed in my still pounding in me as i ride out my high.

he pulls out slowly looking down at the mess he completely made of me, wetting the bed, himself, my legs, and everything in the way “fuck baby… that’s the first time i’ve got you to do that… god damn ma…” he smiles

“i-im so sorry baby… i didn’t know” i start getting embarrassed

“please don’t be sorry.. that was fucking hot, i’m definitely getting you to do that again” he grins

he takes my ankles and flips me over face down ass up and pushing himself in me completely bottoming out and his hands go to my waist forcing a faster and harder pace against me.

“i love this pussy so fucking much Y/N” he almost whines throwing his head back.

“c-chris” i drag out the ‘s’

“i know baby… gimme one more time, you got this ma” he rubs his head down my back and to my head pushing my head down in the mattress

i’m a moaning mess beneath him, he’s enjoying every second of it, he grinning at every cuss word, every moan, whimper, anything leaving my mouth he’s smiling and praising me.

“god your a fucking whore for my dick huh? not even being able to form a full sentence hm?” he pounds a little harder then before smiling at me rolling my eyes back into the back of my head mouth open with nothing coming out of it.

he takes my left leg that’s bent and lifting it off the bed causing a scream of pleasure out of my mouth.

“atta girl, there she is” he says holding my body for support noticing my body is limp from each and every orgasm of the night.

“c-CLOSE BA-BABY” i scream

“hold it ma, im close too” he groans down at me.

my legs began to go numb and shake beneath him as i’m being forced into the mattress.

“cum” with that another stream of cum squirts out of me and wetting everything in its way as his thrust began to get sloppy and the headboard began to hit the wall with his sloppy thrust into me and a loud groan falls from his mouth and his eyes roll back and his head falling back as he coats my walls white with his cum.

he pulls out softly as not to hurt me, and he carefully flips me over and runs into his bathroom real fast hoping his brothers aren’t out there to see him fully naked to grab a warm wet cloth and enters the room and carefully starts to rub down my legs with the cloth.

“you did so very good for me ma, im so proud of you” he smiles at me “how many times did i make you cum” his smile fades into a smirk

“4” i say with a rasp in my voice from the screaming

he smirks “was i okay? too rough?” he asks throwing the cloth to the corner of his room moving me so we can cuddle under his covers skin to skin.

“no no of course not baby, probably the best sex we’ve had, hands down” i smile resting my chin on his chest looking up at him as his blue eyes stare passionately in mine with nothing but love behind those eyes.

“good” he leans down to give me a kiss on my lips and runs his fingers through my hair “i love you” he whispers

“i love you most christopher” i mumble before falling fast asleep with his fingers in my hair.

chris always stays awake for a while until he knows i’m fully asleep. before he fell asleep his phone pings, a message from the triplets group chat.

“TIRED MY ASS CHRIS.. I CANT SLEEP WITH MOANING AND BANGING OF THE FUCKING WALL CHRISTOPHER… FUCK” reads the message from nick in the next room over.

chris smiles and chuckles to himself before laying back and falling asleep of himself with his girlfriend in his arms.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

A/N p2- HI LOVERS!! sorry for the late post!! i had family come into town and its midnight where im at im sorry if this seems sloppy!! i love you all!! lemme know how yall liked

this!!!!

[finelinevogue]

you’re okay

summary - you’re anxious but harry will always be there

a/n: im so nervous about hslot tomorrow so i thought i’d write this <333

“There he is!”

An encore of cheers for Harry fill the room as he runs in all sweaty, taking a short ten minute break before his encore.

His all black outfit is something to make you melt from how hot he is. You don’t even think he actually understands how gorgeous he looks right now. His hair is disheveled from running around on stage and his clothes are sticky with sweat.

You want to go up to him and give him a hug and a kiss for the show so far, but your anxiety roots you to the sofa.

You don’t even think you have anything to really be anxious for, but sometimes your nerves and shakes come over you when you least expect them. Your chest feels like it’s hollowing and your stomach feels like it’s swimming with butterflies. They’re both horrible feelings and you can’t seem to stop them. The shake in your hands in your only tell, to other people, as well as your bouncing knee.

Harry hugs a couple of people and he’s passed a water bottle by Brad. He guzzles it down quick and thanks him afterwards.

He then spots you, sitting in the plush velvet couch that he brings on tour with him. A sofa you both picked out together and Harry can’t be apart from.

Harry is quick to crouch down in front of you, putting a ring-filled hand on your knee to control the nervous tremors.

“Baby, what’s got you all anxious?” He asks softly, trying to keep his volume low so people don’t start to listen in.

“I don’t know.” You say, teary eyed slightly. “No. I’m fine, i’m fine.” You shake your head defiantly, convincing yourself more than Harry.

“It would be okay if you weren’t fine, you know?”

You nod your head and notice your foot now bobbing away because your knee couldn’t.

Harry keeps his focus on you. He doesn’t deter for anyone or anything.

“Sorry. I’m sorry.” You begun shaking your head instead and look down at where your fingers are fiddling with each other. You furrow your eyebrows as you try to think of ways to keep your tears back.

“I don’t need an apology, baby. If you need to apologise to anyone, it’s yourself, because you should be kinder to yourself.”

He moves in a little further towards you, using another hand to cup over your smaller ones. He holds onto you tight, grounding you.

“Sorry.” You barely whisper.

“I have to give fifteen more minutes of myself to all those people out there and then i’m completely yours for the rest of the night, okay?”

“Completely?” You look at him with hopeful eyes.

Normally Harry is busy whisked away to complete various business tasks or music recordings after his shows, but his words carry hope that it’s just you and him tonight.

“Absolutely. We can do whatever you want. The Harry Potter movies are on Netflix now, we could do a marathon? Or just watch ‘Goblet of Fire’? I won’t even get jealous when you fawn over Cedric.” He giggles and you can’t help but give a small laugh back.

You take the time to notice your hands have stopped twitching now, thanks to his, and your leg bounces are a lot calmer.

“Can we get a Dominoes takeaway too?”

“I’ll ask Jeff to call it in now, so it’ll be ready for us at 10:30, okay?” He squeezes your hands for reassurance. “Just promise me you’ll be okay for another 15 minutes. I’ll be as quick as possible.”

“I promise. I feel better now anyway.” You smile genuinely.

“Good.” He leans over to kiss your hands softly.

“H? We need you back now.” A member of the crew calls for him across the room.

“Go be brilliant.” You tell him.

“Go be brave.” He replies.

He stands up and leans over to kiss you, promising a proper kiss when he returns. For now you just enjoy a little kiss with your sweaty boyfriend.

He kisses the top of your head before turning to leave the room, screaming as he leaves; “I love you Y/N!”

All because of Harry does your anxiety slowly disappear and the warmth spreads over your heart once more.

[emmyrosee]

doodoo fart 🦨 would you still love me if I was bald?

Rintaro doesn’t even get a chance to finish the water his sipping before he spits it back out, choking on it as he laughs aloud in front of his teammates.

The entire team turns to look at him, a brow cocked in confusion while he chuckles amongst himself.

Komori is the first to smile and chuckle himself, “something you’d like to share with the group, Suna?”

He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand before shaking his head, never being one to share your discussions with the group. He has an image, okay, and you being an absolute cracked menace is going to bring that image down one day- this, he’s convinced of.

“The better half’s just funny is all,” he says casually, watching his team begins to chatter once again in the locker room. Komori gives him an unconvinced, yet understanding look before letting him back to his phone where he’s finally able to face your

SENT is there something I need to be prepared for when I get home?

doodoo fart 🦨 depends on how you reply

would you

still love me

if i was bald

SENT I feel like this is a trap.

doodoo fart 🦨 you’re the one who leaves me alone all the time

im bound to fuck around when you’re gone.

Once again, Rintaro laughs to himself before he rises to excuse himself from the crowd. The possibility of you being bald is plenty to excite him and his amusement, wondering if you’ve done something unholy to your poor head.

He thinks you’d be hot with no hair. And wash days would just be such a breeze. Maybe there’s some merit to your potential madness.

He presses the small button to FaceTime you, settling up a small distance from the door- you’ve both been known to say some unsavory things, the last thing you need is to give Washio another reason to retire.

The phone rings once, twice, and a third before you answer, your ugly stunning face filling his screen. To his shame, his eyes immediately dart to the scalp of hair that still adorns your head, and he bites his lip as you cackle a victorious cheer.

He’s been duped by your stupid ass.

“I knew you’d take my bait,” you snicker. He laughs as he’s caught red handed, poking his tongue in the corner of his mouth while you laugh. “You think you’re soooo slick, like you aren’t obsessed with me. You aren’t shit, bro.”

“I’ve been letting you hang out with the twins too much,” he snickers, leaning against the brick wall of the stadium. “Though I would’ve scream-laughed if you answered the phone and was completely bald.” You snort and he cards a massive hand through his sweaty hair, “there a reason you triggered a panic response in me at-“ he pauses and looks at the clock in the corner of his phone “15:44 on a Tuesday?”

“Because you’re cute when you’re panicked,” you hum, and he gives you his signature blank stare before chuckling when you laugh. “I mean it! Your pupils go a little dilated, you card your hair until it’s all fluffy, and you get this adorable blush-“

“I got it, you pay attention to me,” he groans, hand scrubbing down his face. “You’re so embarrassing.”

“You love me so much, man.”

“Shut up-“

“Truly living rent free in that noggin.”

“I’m gonna tell Komori on you.”

“Good, he’ll tell you the same thing,” you snort, and Rintaro shakes his head, grinning, as a sign of waving his white flag. “Go back to practice, booger. I’ll bug you later.”

“Promise?” He says, smiling while you give him a fake gag.

“After that, I don’t know.”

“I’ll take those odds.” He chuckles again before murmuring a soft ‘love you’ and hanging up; he pockets his phone and makes his way back into the arena.

Bald or not, and as much as he hates to confess it, he does adore your stupid ass and the antics that come with it.

Ugh.

[seuonji]

HII!! i love your writing sm (seriously helps sm after a long day) and i was just asking if you had the time or were inspired could you do how svt would react if their introvert s/o is like socially exhausted sfw (ive had to go to important social events everyday for two weeks straight and i am absolutely exhausted). (If you cant do svt then maybe coups?) Again thank you so much for the content and if you cant do it its perfectly fine.(Idk whether youre taking requests rn, so if you arent im so super sorry for bothering you)

from aya: HII!! omg i’m so happy to hear that my writings make you feel better T^T <3 i hope your days get better!! it can be exhausting but im happy to know you have things to fall back on so that you can relax!! love lots, hope you enjoy this!

btw! so sorry this took so long i’ve been busy with the real world too hahah. i did the 95z so that there was a variety in scenarios but do let me know if you want another member!!<3

seungcheol. he doesn’t really need words to know how you feel, he’d be able to tell just by the look on your face but even then, he can’t help but feel his heart sink seeing you so tired.

so when you came home after a long day and you weren’t your usual self, he immediately noticed it when he greeted you at the front door.

“tiring day today?” he tilted his head as he reached for your body, pulling you close and compressing himself onto you. he hopes that the hug would be comforting to you and it was. it’s as if the warmth of his hug melted your heart and it brought your back to life.

“do you want to have some alone time?” he totally understands if you do, he gets it if that’s the only way you can recharge

you weren’t sure if you wanted to see seungcheol today but he was your comfort. he felt you shake your head into his chest answering a no to his question and he just brushed your hair. slowly, he parted from the hug and took the things you were holding, “want to eat or anything?” no matter what you plan on doing, after this you two would spend the night with a long cuddle session that recharges you from the draining day.

if you want him to, he’d definitely whisper encouragements or advice on how to not get drained too quickly. as a fellow introvert himself, he knows best.

“it’s tiring but you handled it so well! just keep doing the same you’ll get used to it but if it gets too much just call me and i’ll be there for you,” he whispered as he stroked your hair.

+

jeonghan probably teased you at first.

“ahh yn your face looks so dull today,” he gently caressed your face but as you gave a bitter reaction as a response, he realised that something was wrong and immediately apologised for making the joke. he quickly changed to listening mode, ready to listen to you but even if you don’t tell him, he’d just sit with you until you’re ready to speak.

as you open up, he’d offer some tricks to get away from the crowd even if they’re bizarre.

“if you get tired, just go into your car and drive home, to me,” he proudly smirked

“hanie…i have to be there.”

“okay then just go to the washroom and call me if you start feeling tired of socialising.”

“why would i call you if i’m tired of socialising.”

“well i didn’t think i make you feel tired of socialising,” he said in disbelief.

he means it all as a joke but he definitely has some good advice and suggestions hidden in there which really gets you through a day.

+

joshua was suspecting that you were going to feel this way even before you left the house. so when you came home with the expression that screamed ‘exhausted’ he could only greet you with a smile which hid his frown. he was upset knowing he couldn’t do much to avoid you from feeling that way but he knew he could provide you comfort so that’s what he did.

he greeted you home with a hug and asked if you wanted some alone time in case you wanted to recharge on your own.

there’s something that really brightens his day when you say you want to spend your time with him. he’d definitely spends the night pampering you and making you some comfort food while finding things you like to do like listening to music or reading a book together, whatever helps you recharge. the days definitely a lot more silent but you’re just comfortably in each others space.

in the bed before you two sleep, he holds you close. both your eyes are shut but he still whispers words from his heart.

“you did amazing today yn and you’ll do even better tomorrow. but remember you can tell me when it gets hard, okay? just tell me what you need.”

[offbrandkyoya]

90 horn dog

previous | masterlist | next

cw: slight nsfw

You laugh and glance at your boyfriend, who’s already looking at you with a pouty face. You shake your head in disapproval. He rolls his eyes then leans to your ear, “You liked that.” You gasp with a flushed face. You smack his head and he starts to laugh. “Not funny!” “It is.” “No!” Scaramouche smiles and you only turn your head away. “I’m not talking to you.” You say with folded arms. “Oh really?”

Scaramouche moves closer and you feel his hand rub your back. You’re still not looking at him but your face is really red. He plants a kiss on your cheek as his hand moves downwards. He tugs on your shirt before moving down to your legs. You shiver and his hand moves back up and stays firm on your-

“Yn.” You scream and not only push your boyfriend away, you punch him, in the face. You ignore his groans as you stand straight, looking like you just witnessed someone die. It was Albedo and Kaeya, who were now very concerned at what just happened. “A-Albedo! Kaeya!” Kaeya eyes your boyfriend, who was hunched over and holding his nose for dear life. “I’m sorry for…uh…scaring you…” Albedo says, feeling a bit scared.

You laugh nervously. “It’s fine! Nothing was happening! Nothing!” You switched the conversation quickly once you notice the two guys holding hands. You applaud, “Congrats on making up!” Albedo blushes with a small smile. “Thank you. I feel a bit more relaxed.” “That’s good.” Albedo opens his mouth but Scaramouche interrupts him. “Yn.” He calls your name in a deep voice. You jump but refuse to look at him. “What?” “I’m bleeding.” “WHAT?!”

Instantly, you turn your head to him and sure enough, blood is dripping down his nose. You panic and hold his face, squishing it a little. “Im so sorry! I didn’t think I hit you that hard!” Kaeya places a hand on his hip. “Why’d you hit him anyway?” “Because he-“ Memories of what happened a few minutes ago surfaced and you start feeling weak. “…he made me mad.” You mumble. “When doesn’t he make you mad?” Venti and Heizou joined the conversation. Heizou immediately laughs upon seeing Scaramouche’s condition.

“Holy shit! What’d you do?!” Scaramouche rolls his eyes. You spark up and push your boyfriend into Ventis arms. “Venti! Good timing! Can you pretty please take care of him? I can’t leave my stand.” Venti shrugs, “Sure. Not like I have a choice.” He drags your boyfriend to the nearest bathroom and you let out a sigh of relief. You look at Albedo. “What did you want to tell me?” “Oh right. My sister might be coming and if she does, I was wondering if you can also look after my stand so I can hang out with her. Is that okay?” You squeal and cover your mouth in excitement. “I can finally meet your sister?! Of course I’d look after your painting! Id guard it with my entire life!” You salute.

He laughs, “Thank you.” He pulls on Kaeya’s arm and they leave to Albedos artwork. Heizou crosses his arms and leans his shoulder onto yours. “So, why are you pissed at Scaramouche?” You blush, “I’m not!” “Then why’d you punch him?” “B-Because!” Heizou smirks, “You told us you got mad but now you’re saying you weren’t?” You sigh and he noticed your uneasiness. “What is it, Yn?”

You bite your lip before saying, “I chickened out.” Heizou tilts his head, “About what?” You close your eyes tight as you think not seeing him would make this situation better. “Scara, wants to go further. Further than kissing…” “Oh.” Heizou straightens himself properly. “You don’t want to?” “I-I don’t know. A part of me likes it but a part of me is also scared…” Heizou nods, “It’s okay to feel that way. It’s your guys first time right?” You nod. “Yn, Scaramouche loves you like a lot. I’m sure he’ll understand if you tell him how you feel.” “You think so?” “I know so.”

You smile at your friend. “Thanks.” Heizou ruffles your hair. “Of course.” You notice Venti come back but not with Scaramouche so you decide to go see him. “Can you look after my stand?” Heizou nods. “Sure.” “Thank you!” You head towards the men’s bathroom with ease. Opening the door, you see Scaramouche checking himself out in the mirror. He was mostly checking to see if his nose wasn’t broken.

You start to feel guilty and head in. “Scara?” He turns around quickly at hearing your voice. “Yn. What’re you doing here?” “You didn’t come with Venti.” You stand next to him and place a hand on his cheek. “I’m really sorry for punching you.” “It’s okay.” “Does it hurt?” “No, not that much.” You frown and he only smiles. “I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable.” He says and you look at him wide eyed. “Don’t say that.” You respond.

“You didn’t make me uncomfortable. I was…” You put your hand down and cling onto your shirt. “I was scared, I guess. I know we talked about it before but that was all jokes and now it felt serious and I didn’t know how to react.” You look down, ashamed. “I’m sorry. That’s a weird reason.” You continue and he pats your head. “It’s not. I got ahead of myself, that’s all.” You look at him with watery eyes. “You’re really not mad?” Scaramouche chuckles. “No, I’m not mad.” You smile a little and hold his face. “I still feel bad about punching you.” “You should be. It hurt.”

You pout and squish his face. “I’m sorry.” You say in a baby voice. He eyes you and you let go with a laugh. “You know what’ll make the pain go away?” “What?” He smirks, “A kiss.” You blush then sigh, “You cheeky man.” You hold his face once more and kiss him. He places a hand on your hip while the other is behind your head. You guys pull away and you rest your head on his chest. “I love you.” You tell him. “I love you too.” You let go and hold his hand. “Let’s get out of here. It’s gross being in the bathroom.” “Truly.”

Heizou awaits your arrival by your painting. He’s not going to lie, this was pretty boring. He loves you and supports you but his legs are hurting from walking around so much. Especially knowing he can’t be with Kazuha.

‘Speak of the devil..’ Kazuha makes his way towards him. “Where’s Yn?” He asks and Heizou tilts his head to the direction you left. “Bathroom.” “I see.” Kazuha goes to study your painting while Heizou watches him. Kazuha would sneak glances at him and it was vey very obvious. It almost made Heizou laugh.

Suddenly, Heizou stands right next to him, leans down to his ear, and whispers, “Wanna do it?” Kazuha’s face burns and fully looks at him. “Uh…I…” Heizou smirks at him while Kazuha processes what he should do. “Sure.” Heizou smiles more and grabs his hand, leading him to the exit.

By the time you and Scaramouche return, Venti stood by your painting. You gasped and stomp your way to the man. “Where’s Heizou?!” “Don’t know.” You groan, “He had ONE job!” “Yn!” The three of you turn to the front and see Aether, Xiao, and Lumine making their way. “Aether!” You beam. “You’re finally here!” Aether nods. “Sorry it took us so long.” You shake your head. “It’s cool!” Then you face Lumine. “I didn’t know you were coming!” “Of course!” She laughs then she spots Scaramouche. “Well if it isn’t THE Scaramouche! Yn’s hot boyfriend!”

He blushes a little. “Uh, hello…” Lumine walks around him in a circle, observing his body structure and appearance. You blush as well, embarrassed by her actions. Lumine places a hand on your shoulder. “He’s cool.” “How did any of that help?” Aether asked his twin. “Because I just know! I may be a lesbian but I know a hot guy when I see one!” She then giggles, “Luckily you don’t have that problem.” Aether blushes really hard before kicking his sisters legs. “OW! WHAT DID I DO?!” “EVERYTHING.”

Xiao chuckles a little and Aether pouts. “That’s not funny!” “A little but I appreciate you thinking I’m hot.” “ENOUGH.” Scaramouche narrows his eyes at them. “Your friends are weirdos.” You raise a brow, “They’re your friends too?” “But you met them first.” “Okay die.” While the twins fight, Xiao asks the rest of you, “Where’s Heizou and Kazuha?”

Venti shrugs. “We don’t know.” “Wait,” You cross your arms. “Kazuhas not here too? Is there a party I don’t know about?” Xiao shakes his head. “No, I haven’t seen him.” Scaramouche looks the side. “Two guys disappear out of nowhere at the same time. What could that mean?” You blink, “That’s what we’re trying to figure out, Scara.” “You’re stupid.” “What did I do?!”

- yes you went into the men’s bathroom #idgaf

- ughhhhhhhhh the only way this is taking so long then it should is because I don’t want you guys to read long ass posts so I’m cutting it and stuff

- I feel bad when I just yap a lot and so it might seem weird when I end the chp sometimes 😭

- Dw next smau I’ll try to fix this writing structure :3

🏷️ @sakiimeo @coquettemaiden @rmiyuki @kur44pika @theblueblub @jxxji0309 @dreamsofminnie @ohmyfinggod @redactedhimbo @kunisbeloved @akagism2 @sketcheeee @thefandomcrow @beriiov @thenightsflower @yukiipc @scaraapologist @scarletttcroww @samyayaya @crucnhice @monaypo1 @feiherp @myaaones @warcelia @hangecanweholdhands @yuminako @valiryyz @screechingxiaolover @tiddieshakeshownu @ilovechuuyaa @d4y-dr3am3r @dazaisfavgf @swivy123 @ganyusbrideee @sagegreenthinks @the-left-glove @wonderland-fan @kylexzz @kaoyamamegami @whycantscarabereal @rvoulte @eunchaeluvr @lxkeeeee @silvermah @baby-bread-in @yelleloww @magica-ren @itzblazekun @im-inlovewithy0u @featuredtofu @anastaxiah @ask-aph-tanzania @drmyday @what-just-happened-huh @xtobefreex @v4lerixxq @duckyyyx @hannoahs-third-eyelash @brain-r0tt @iota1111 @accio-fandom @kaitfae @tikitsune @salmonieea

[sockiess]

im back ELOHEL (im sorry these are like all sam, im just obsessed with him😣) telling sam you're pregnant, and you think he's gonna get mad and leave you, but he's actually so reassuring about like ☹️☹️ but hes definitely like screaming on the inside cause YOURE PREGNANT 😭😭‼️‼️‼️‼️

we are not gonna mention how late this is!!! 🤗

Pregnancy

warnings: pregnancy and sex mentions (please use protection yall 🙏 unless you’re planning to have a baby than good luck with your journey and I hope it works out)

I starred at the white stick with the word Pregnant starring back at me. I was shaking and tears where running down my face. I mean me and Sam where only 19 —and yeah this was our fault— I mean we didn’t always use protection when it came to sex but it’s still scary and shocking. I had called Sam to come over before I took the test because I knew that if I was pregnant I wouldn’t be able to keep control of myself. And if I wasn’t pregnant I could just tell Sam that we needed to be safer and use protection. Well it was obviously to late for that now.

I knew Sam would be here any minute now so I quickly cleaned up and tried to stop crying. I quickly put the stupid little stick in my pocket and sat on my couch waiting for him to come in. I didn’t bother locking the door and I knew he was here when I heard his foot steps outside my apartment door.

Sam opened the door and softly closed it after he saw my red and puffy eyes. “Baby?” Sam asked softly as he sat down in front of me. “What’s wrong?” He whispered rubbing my thighs and cupping my cheek. “Sam we have to talk” I quickly stood up and stepped away from him. Sam quickly stood up with me and starred at me with sad confused eyes. “What’s wrong?” Sam asked again. “You’re going to hate me” I whispered and quickly moved away from his touch when he tried pulling me closer to him. “Love you’re really scaring me.” Sam said quickly. I just broke down in tears and hugged him crying into his chest. “Just tell me what happened.” He spoke softly playing with my hair. “I’m so so sorry” I sobbed into his chest. “For what?” He stopped playing with my hair but kept his hand resting on my head. “I messed up so badly.” I sobbed even more. Sam softly pulled me away from his chest and looked at me with scrunched eyebrows. “you think that I’m going to hate you and that you messed up…did-did you cheat on me or something?” He blurted out. I starred at him with wide eyes and finally registered what I had said probably sounded like I did cheat on him. “God no.” I quickly said. “Than what’s wrong?” He asked again this time looking mad.

“i’m pregnant.” I blurted out, not him wanting to think that I cheated on him or hurt him in any way. His expression dropped quickly and so did his arms. He starred at me with an expression I couldn’t read. I could see his breathing start to get heavier and he quickly sat down. “When did you find out?” He spoke softly. “45 minutes ago.” I answered as I sat down beside him. “I understand if you want to leave me.” I said to him. “what?” he quickly answered and whipped his head around me. “you think i’m going to leave you to deal with this by yourself?” He asked. “I mean most men don’t want to have children at 19” I said softly. “Yeah well i’m not most men” Sam mumbled while pulling me into his lap.

“Sammy i’m scared” I whispered. “Me too baby..me too” He responded. “But you don’t have to do this alone. I won’t let you.” He said. “What are we going to do?” I asked. “Whatever you want darling, it’s your body and i’ll support whatever decision you make” He smiled at me. “We’re going to be parents” I laughed out through my tears. “We are going to need a bigger apartment” He laughed back. “Good thing I have an amazing boyfriend who knows how to build houses.” I wink at him. “Sammy?” “yeah?” “I love you” “I love you too”

TEEHEE SORRY ITS SO LATE POOKIE😞💔 BLAME TUMBLR💔 I HOPE YOU LIKE IT AND IF YOU WSNT ME TO CHANGE OR ADD ANYTHING LET ME KNOW🫶🫶

[linos-luna]

Too Far 🥀🔪

Yan!Jealous!Boyfriend Lee Know x Fem!Reader

Warnings: 18+ , swearing , yandere behavior , unhealthy relationship , mentions of abuse , jealousy , obsessiveness , spanking , slapping , hair pulling …. Idk what else 😅

Synopsis: jealous boyfriend Minho punishes you when getting home… but has he finally crossed the line?

———————————————————————

Your relationship wasn’t healthy. Yet it didn’t matter. Minho loved you deeply, more than anyone ever has. And that’s all you wanted, for someone to love you with their whole heart. It’s not like you knew any better. You were a foreigner in Korea. He and Chan had helped you get comfortable and learn Korean. You knew enough to get around and could mostly understand it. You had also shared everything with Minho, from your rough upbringing to your abusive father, Minho knew everything. He stayed with you through the whole process and promised to protect you from everyone, especially men like your father. No one would ever hurt you again. You felt grateful. In a way, almost dependent on him. What would you do without him?

Unfortunately, not all was good. Minho could be very jealous and scary at times. And today was one of those days…

——————————— 🥀 ———————————

The car ride was silent. Awkward and stiff. Your mind was racing, you don’t understand what you did wrong. One minute you’re practicing with danceracha and the next minute Minho is pulling you out of the practice room by your arm. It wasn’t a long drive to the apartment but It felt like it was.

You made your way to the door and let yourself in, taking off your shoes in the process. You then jolt as Minho slams the door behind him, your heart racing as you turn around.

“Jagiya… what the fuck was that about hm?”

You stood there frozen, unable to move to his eerily calm voice.

“Y/n!” He suddenly yelled

“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about?” You replied shakily. Honestly, you had no idea. It wasn’t a lie.

“Don’t play dumb with me…” Minho said as he slowly started to back you into the wall. Once your back hit the wall he caged you in and put his hand on your throat but not squeezing.

“Why were you looking at Hyunjin like that hm?! Don’t think I didn’t notice your eyes wandering”

He started squeezing lightly on your throat and tears started to form as you grabbed onto his wrists. “I-I didn’t! I’d never! I-I didn’t do anything!”

“Don’t lie to me!”

You then push his hands away and snap back. “I’m not lying!!”

Suddenly you feel a sharp sting on your cheek. More tears coming out as you touched your hand to the area, looking up at your boyfriend. He looked pissed, with seemingly no care for the harsh slap he delivered.

“M-Minnie—“

Another slap is delivered before you could even finish your thought. You stumble back a bit.

“Are you done lying?” He suddenly says, bringing you back down to earth.

“Oppa, I dont- I-I didn’t- “ Minho then suddenly cut you off by grabbing you by the hair and dragging you to the bedroom. “LIAR!”

“NO NO NO! OPPA IM SORRY!! PLEASE OPPA IM SORRY! MINNIE NO!!” You cry out to no avail. The tears are pouring out as he throws you to the bed.

“I do everything for you! I take care of you!! I LOVE YOU !! And this is the thanks I get?! You flirt with one of my friends?!” He suddenly yells “HOW DARE YOU! HOW DARE YOU! YOU FUCKIN WHORE!!”

You cower, backing away on the bed and shaking your head, still crying.

Minho grabs you by the ankles and drags you towards him, flipping you on your stomach, making you bend your knees a bit so your ass is up.

“You know what bad girls get right?” He says, trying to contain his anger as he pulls down your jeans, leaving your panties on.

“N-no Minnie please! I’m not a bad girl! I’m not a bad girl-“

“ENOUGH!!” He suddenly cut you off with a sharp sting to your ass.

You cry out and bury your face into the mattress to muffle your scream. Again he spanks you, calling you an ungrateful brat, then again saying you’re a bad girl. Minho was getting irritated by your loud sobbing and pleas, roughly squeezing your thighs. “STOP IT!”

You cried out in pain again, trying to yell out that you’re sorry for the hundredth time.

“I swear y/n I’m going to-“ he starts as you hear him unbuckling his belt. You knew what that meant. He wouldn’t! He knew how you felt about being hit with a belt. He knew the reaction you would have. It sent you into a panic.

Without second thought you spin around and hug him by the waist crying, no, sobbing your eyes out. Sobbing loudly. “NO OPPA!! NO PLEASE IM SORRY!! IM SORRY!! I SHOULDNT HAVE FLIRTED WITH HYUNJIN !! I WAS BEING A BAD GIRL!! NOT THE BELT PLEASE!!”

You were pleading this over and over through your sobs, holding on tightly to your boyfriend, shaking and trembling.

In that moment, Minho snapped out of his anger. He looked down at you with such concern. What had he done?!

He dropped his belt to the side and put his arms around you, holding you tight as he rocked slightly.

“Baby Im sorry! I shouldn’t have done that. Shh… shh… it’s okay… Minnie will take care of you… Minnie will take care of you…”

He knew the belt was too far. He was so caught up in his anger and jealousy that he scared you, bringing you back to a helpless time when your father would beat you. The one person he promised to protect you from. He felt awful. Like shit. You were his precious baby.

You continued to hold on tight to him, burying your face into his shirt which will definitely be stained with tears and snot. You loosened your grip slightly and pulled back to look at him. “I-I Im sorry-“

“Shh shh, it’s okay. You’re not a bad girl. It’s okay, it’s okay” he interrupted, gently stroking your hair. From all the thrashing around, your poor hair had turned into a poofy tangled mess. He tried his best not to pull on it.

Minho scooped you up in his arms and took you to the shared bathroom, sitting you next to the sink. He then grabbed a wash cloth and put it in warm water from the sink. Your boyfriend then gently dabbed the rag on your face, cleaning off your tears and snot. Also trying to soothe you by humming softly.

You continued to look down, almost as if to process everything. You didn’t look back at your boyfriend until he gently grabbed your chin and had you look at him.

“I love you, jagiya… you know Id never purposely hurt you…”

“I know, Minnie… I love you too” you say through tears. Continuing this toxic cycle. Forgiving him as always. But you love him right? And he loves you? Of course you still loved him… of course…

———————————————————————

Not bad for my first time hm?

(It should go without saying that this is a work of fiction and not how these people are irl)

[jqmalikhsgib]

bloom

nine

eddie stared at the crowd before him. he couldn’t believe all the people here were cheering for corroded coffin. the band that he started with gareth in his parents garage had an album out and thousands of fans around the world.

this was something he’s always wanted. he dreamed of this for so long but he couldn’t believe it was real. eddie continues to sing while he stared at the crowd. he spots steve, nancy, and robin in the corner nodding to the music.

unfortunately yn couldn’t make it. she had the kids but she wished him good luck before sending him on his way to rock off on stage.

when they finished their last song they thanked the crowd while thanking metallica for this amazing opportunity like they’ve done the last four shows they’ve performed so far. the band headed backstage, cooking off, grabbing a snack and some water before relaxing.

“does anyone else feel more and more energized each time?” jeff asked.

eddie hums as he sips his water. “it’s literally the best feeling ever!” doug states.

the band continued to chat with each other while watching one of their favorite bands live. eddie phone begins the ring and he gets a little nervous when he sees fiancé name pop up. since being away on tour for awhile he worries about his family. he loved living his dream but he hates being away from his family.

corroded coffin were only signed to open up eight of metallica shows. he’s a bit relieved that they’re half way through it. he missed his future wife and the kids so much. he didn’t know if he’d be able to survive being away any longer.

eddie excused himself as he steps outside the building. “baby? is everything okay? are the kids alright? do you need me to come home? i can be on the next flight.”

yn giggles at eddie panicking. “everything is fine eds. i just wanted to hear your voice. robin texted and told me you were off stage. just missed you.”

eddie sighs in relief before smiling. “i miss you too, yn. you have no idea how much i wanna be with you and the kids.”

“okay mister rockstar! it’s not like you’re a big shot now with fans screaming your names and woman begging to be one of your groupies.”

“yeah but the only one i want screaming my name is you, baby.” he smirks

eddie can almost her bite the bottom of her lip and she rubs her thighs together for someone kind of relief. she whines on the phone as eddie chuckles at her.

“what is it babe?”

“you can’t say stuff like that when you’re away, eds! it’s not fair.”

eddie chuckles once more as he shakes his head. “im sorry babe. how are the kids?” he changed the subject.

“they miss you. especially luna. you know how attached she is to you. she cried the most since you’ve been gone.”

eddie frown guiltily. he hates hearing his kids are crying. especially when it’s due to him being gone.

“don’t do that eddie.”

“what?”

“feel guilty about being away. the kids are just use to you being here, it’s all. they young and don’t understand their father is becoming a national sensation! you’re living your dream, okay? the kids are alright. they’ll see you in a few more weeks, yeah? nothing for you to feel guilty about.”

eddie sighs. yn always knew what to say to make him feel a little better.

“i wish you and the kids could be here. it would be amazing seeing you all in the crowd. my big family supporting me while i rock out.” eddie states

“we’re still supporting you here, eds! im really proud of you baby. you know that, right?”

“im proud of you too babe. i heard you got a shout out from naomi campbell herself, huh?”

yn blushes. “i did! it was so insane eddie. she’s literally like one of the queens of the modeling industry. to be recognizable by her, it’s an huge honor.”

“i bet, baby. soon you’ll be on the cover of vogue, yeah? not just a picture in the magazine.”

“stop!”

“it’s true! you got the face of an angel, baby. sexiest woman alive in my book.”

“even sexier than kerry washington?”

“lets not get carried away now.”

yn giggles.

“but seriously, baby. you deserve all the love and happiness in the world. can’t wait until the tour money comes in. im getting us out of that small trailer and married, yeah?!”

“you know i don’t care about that eds.”

“i know! but you and the kids deserve it. i should head back inside thought babe. ill talk to you soon. give the kids my love, yeah?”

“alright, eds. i love you my rockstar.”

“i love you so much more. bye babe.” eddie ends the call with a smile on his face as he walks back into the building.

[polyklok]

Hello there!! I really enjoyed your "what makes them soft/what gets them hard" headcanons for Dethklok. I was wondering if you could write a similar thing for Charles? If you're comfortable taking that request, that is. If not, feel free to ignore. I love your blog!

OHHHH BOYYYYY

So Charles isn’t in my “men to simp for” Radar, as much as I love him as a character and I don’t think I would ever write anything like that on my own-

BUT YOU BET YOUR SWEET ASS IM GONNA TRY also you seem like such a sweetheart so I have to

Charles Offdensen

What makes him soft 💘

Charles is, obviously, a very busy man. All day, everyday, work work work. His hands are usually full, signing away at documents, shaking hands to confirm business deals, fidgeting nervously while he discusses finances. So it means a lot when you gently stop what he’s doing and take the time to kiss his hands. Graze your lips over his knuckles and fingertips, he’ll be entranced by the sentiment. Even if you let go to let him continue whatever he was doing, he’ll be thinking about it for at least an hour.

He really likes being sung to. The only music he listens to nowadays is death metal (usually Dethklok’s) which obviously includes a lot of screaming, growling, and heavy instrumentals. He says it ‘puts him in the brutal mood’ for whatever Dethklok is going pursue next. But, despite this, his favorite type of music is listening to your heartbeat while you quietly sing or hum. Doesn’t matter what song, doesn’t matter how good you are. Please let him place his head on your chest and just sing for him.

Basically the opposite of Toki’s Charles is a serious, uptight, no-fun business man. Everyone calls him Mr. Offdensen, Dethklok gets the privilege of using his first name and occasionally robot, and only you can use any sort of pet name. Use it to your advantage, it’s so funny how dry he is to your dumb names, and despite seeming indifferent, he really does love the silliness of it.

“Hey there, my adowable, wittle pookie-bear muffin boy!”

“Hello Y/N.”

The thought of a room full of government officials and businessmen having to watch this display while holding back the cringe is so funny to me holy shit.

Whats gets him hard ❤️‍🔥

I’m gonna repeat again; Charles is busy. As much as he cares about you, he hardly has time for your relationship and is simply trying is best. Sex is barely ever on his mind. Until it is all that’s in your mind and you let him know. Seeing you needy and wanting him, hanging onto him, tugging at his tie, trying to pull him away from his work is the quickest way to get him hot and bothered. He just hasn’t considered being so desired before and it makes him crazy to watch you act like that for him.

Continuing that, when the two of you are in public and you suddenly get all touchy with him. Grazing his thigh, kissing his neck, running your hands in his hair. He knows that he should be above this and tell you to stop, but he really does love how shameless it is and how good it feels. He’s usually the most economically and socially powerful person in any room he’s in, so no one’s gonna tell him to quit on on the PDA anyway. If you’re lucky, he’ll pay you back for it at home. If you’re really lucky, he’ll drag you off into a nearby bathroom or closet. If you’re unlucky, well…

Is he a mean lover? No. Charles is very attentive and mindful of your needs. He’s going to constantly affirm with you that he’s doing the right thing. How selfless of him. But once that is all done and taken care of and he understands your limits…oh my god he wants to see you cry so badly. He just loves seeing you whine and squirm, your pretty face leaking tears for him. Of course he’ll be nice enough to kiss your tears away and praise you for how good you’re being, but that doesn’t mean he’ll stop.

[bullet-prooflove]

Grief!Series Part Two: Blame - Bishop Losa x Reader

Tagging: @witches-unruly-heart @anime-weeb-4-life @keyweegirlie @danzer8705 @im-just-a-mississippi-girl @the-wandering-lunatic @alwaysachorusgirl @beardedbarba @multifandomloversworld @est1887 @genius2050 @mortal--soul @buddinglinguist @spookyboogyuniverse @kishie8 @saltyunicorn079 @nessamc @thebaileybugle @spaghettificationandpretzels @nu1freakshow @lyly00 @oureternalbond @beccabarba @legally-a-bastard @trublu2u

You don’t say anything in the car on the way back from the mortuary. You simply sit, with your hand near your mouth, eyes staring forward. You haven’t moved since Bishop pulled out of the parking lot. You impenetrable right now, everything locked up inside of you so tight. He doesn’t know what to say, so he doesn’t, instead he turns on the radio and let’s the music fill the car. If he could take away that pain you’re feeling, the anguish he would. He’d suffer it a thousand times over so that you didn’t have to.

“It’s my fault.” You say finally, reaching over to turn the radio down.

“You didn’t put the needle in her arm.” He says firmly, flicking the indicator on so that he can pull over because this feels like a conversation that should be had whilst stationary.

“I as good as did.” You tell him, tapping your thumb against your forefinger before moving onto the next. He recognises that motion, he knows you do it when your thinking, when your brain is struggling to comprehend something. “She ended up being trafficked because my family used all of their money to send me over the border. They thought I was going places, that I was the smart one and Solana, she was the pretty one. She wanted so desperately to come over with me, but they couldn’t afford it. She was fourteen, she didn’t understand what it meant…”

Bishop thinks he knows where this is going, and it leaves a sour taste in his mouth. The work you do, the legal shit and the illegal shit, the pieces are starting to fall into place, and he hates it, because he knows it’s all tied up in the hideous experiences that you’ve been forced to endure.

“She sold herself.” You tell him, your eyes lined with tears when you look at him. “Her virginity and then her body, they just kept taking from her and she couldn’t cope…” You shake you head. “It took me years to track her down and every time I did, she would disappear, like smoke slipping through my fingers.”

You stare down at your hands and he can see the tremble in them. You press them together between your thighs. It’s a terrible story, one that happens every single fucking day and it wounds Bishop because this isn’t even the first time that he’s heard something like it. He thinks about the shit with the VM, about what happened to Mari, how at twelve years old she should have been playing in a park somewhere or doing her homework, instead the animals had had her making porn.

He undoes his seatbelt, leaning over across the console so that he can touch you. He tips your chin up so that you can see the honesty in his gaze as he speaks.

“This isn’t on you.” He tells you. “It’s on them, it’s on society, it’s on the animals that decided to barter a little girl for their own gain. You can not take on this burden because it will fucking drown you.”

There’s an undertone in his words, an understanding under the fierceness. He knows what grief and guilt can do to a person. How it can chew you up and obliterate your life. He knows how insidious it is, clawing at your insides until there’s nothing left but this void, one you can’t seem to fill no matter what you do.

“Obispo….”

And he just knows by the sound of your voice that you are trying to rationalise the blame. He won’t let that happen to you, he will not let you fall into this trap, because that’s what it fucking is, a fucking cage that leaves you banging on the walls screaming because there is no way out once you’ve stepped inside.

“No.” He tells you firmly. “You did not do this. You are not responsible for what happened to her. You were a kid and so was she, you didn’t have a choice.”

There’s silence for a moment and he watches his words sink in before he releases you and puts both of his hands on the steering wheel. His heart hammers in his chest because he hears those words echoing back at him, stretching over eight years when he’d pulled up to the crash site and saw Aidan’s car empty car seat tumbled across the concrete.

“It’s not your fault.” he whispers to the both of you. “It’s not your fault.”

Love Bishop? Don’t miss any of his stories by joining the taglist here.

Like My Work? - Why Not Buy Me A Coffee

[builtbybrokenbells]

Spitfire | vi

Rumours spread around the internet, causing turmoil like never before. In a desperate attempt to forget,y/n takes solace in the bar, making it a mission to forget him completely. Jake is left wondering if he’ll ever get a chance to explain himself. When her roommates try to do damage control, they’re left wondering if the Twitter feed and speculation is really the biggest issue, or her way of covering up her crippling fear of falling in love.

Read part five here

Read part seven here

Pairing: jake kiszka x f!reader

Word count: 7.5k

Warnings: cheating/cheating rumours, Twitter, binge drinking, unhealthy coping mechanisms, lots of angst, crying, like a 2 second mention of throwing up (very short because i hate throwing up with a violent passion), basically this whole chapter is an angsty shitshow because I live for drama, sorry if I missed any!

so obvi i had to throw in some heartbreak to offset all the fluffy happiness, cause that’s just who i am. lots of projection in this one (hey, at least I’m owning up to my flaws) but this is just an angsty mess before we get to a happy ending cause I wanted to showcase how detrimental the internet/social media can be and how bad ldr sucks 😁 as always, enjoy, be kind, and don’t mind any grammar mistakes 🫶🏻 (also thank you all so much for the love on this series. im having a lot of fun writing it and it overjoys me to see that other people like it, too)

~

Your feet carried you to the living room, speed faster than you’d ever ran before. When you turned the corner of the hallway, your footing slipped and you had to brace yourself on the wall. Eve was sprawled on the couch. She looked to you, eyes wide with panic, scared that something bad happened. “What has got you all riled up?” She threw her phone beside her, sitting upright.

“I-I, uh, I just…” you were breathless, heart pounding in your chest as you tried to formulate your words. “The… t-the-“

“Just fucking spit it out!” She laughed, clearly understanding that your rapid approach was due to good news rather than bad.

“Okay, sorry.” You ran your hand through your hair, pushing it away from your face. “I think I’m gonna throw up.” You laughed, fanning your face with your hands. Tears were threatening to spill over, and your skin was prickling with excitement. “So I started my internship on Monday, right?”

“Yeah, I know.” She said, waiting for an explanation.

“And I met everyone in the ‘office’.” You air-quoted office, knowing you’d only interact with them over zoom meetings for the four month duration. “But I met the head of the department today, the big boss.” She gave an eager nod. “He told me that he read over my research report. He said it was one of the best he’s ever read.”

“No way!” Eve was standing now, bouncing with just as much enthusiasm.

“Yeah, but that’s not it.” You stopped her. “I mean yeah, that’s fantastic, but it’s way better than that.” You felt the tears begin to roll down your cheeks, too caught up in the situation to care. “He wants to continue on with it. He told me he thinks the idea is fantastic and worth the money. I’m not going to be working on, or following up somebody else’s research this summer. They want to work on mine.” Her eyes were wide, her previous demeanour completely frozen. After a few seconds, she exploded into a scream and engulfed you into a hug. You held on to her, wanting to yell just as badly. “Can you punch me? Just to make sure I’m not dreaming?”

She pulled back, shaking her head and wiping your tears away. “Not a dream.” She laughed, pulling you in for another embrace. “Y/n, they picked your topic from an undergraduate, not even a masters or a PhD. Do you know how huge that is?”

“I know! He told me he’s been waiting to work with me since the end of my first year. Apparently I’m the at the top of the program.” You were almost lightheaded, not being able to process what was happening.

“I’m so proud of you.” She said, taking your hands into hers. She gave them a squeeze, bringing you back to reality. “Did you tell anyone else?” You shook your head.

“No, I was going to text the sibling group chat and get it all over at once. I want to call Jake, but I’m just not sure if he’s busy or not.” You explained.

“Call him! If he’s busy, he won’t answer. I think this is way too important to wait to tell him.” She encouraged you.

“Yeah, you’re right. I’m gonna… I’ll go call him.” You breathed.

“Okay, but I’m taking you to dinner tonight to celebrate. We’ll go to The Garden, maybe get some drinks afterwards. It is Friday, after all.”

“Yeah, that sounds amazing. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” You assured her.

“Good, now go call your loverboy.” She shooed you away. You jogged back to your room, letting the door fall shut behind you.

It had been almost two weeks since Jake left, meaning that your trip to Atlanta was right around the corner. Your brothers left the week prior, leaving your home quieter than you liked it. It was amazing having everyone there, but it was terrible when they all had to leave. You were adjusting, though, and knowing you were going to see Jake in a few days was really helping.

You slipped on the hoodie he’d so graciously left for you, and found the bottle of cologne, giving the front a small spritz. The smell immediately swarmed your senses, making you close your eyes in bliss. When your end of day meetings came to a close, you practically lived in his sweater. Him being gone this time was a little easier now that you had small reminders of him. You pulled your phone out, dialling his number off by heart. Your hands were vibrating as you clicked the speakerphone button. The dial tone rang a few times, but you couldn’t help but hope he’d pick up. You tapped your fingers on the wood of your desk, trying to remember if he told you he had a show or an interview that day.

“Hey, it’s Jake. Leave a message.” Your stomach sank with disappointment, but you didn’t let it last too long.

“Hey, rockstar. Big news, call me as soon as you can. Love you.” You didn’t let the voicemail linger, ending the call as soon as you finished speaking. As you stared at the screen of your phone, you realized you hadn’t heard from Jake since the night before. It was very strange of him not to send a good morning text, but you were so busy with work meetings all day you hadn’t picked up your phone at all.

You debated calling again, but decided against it. Instead, you went to your contact list and clicked on Josh’s name. You were expecting the same empty tone, but you were surprised when he answered after the first ring. “Hey, mama.” His usually happy tone was so comfortably familiar.

“Hey, Josh.” You couldn’t help but smile. Josh had rapidly become another brother to you, just the same as Sam and Danny.

“What could I have possibly done to deserve a call from such an angel?” You rolled your eyes, a laugh making its way out. Josh was a very verbal person, and extremely friendly, too. At first, you were a bit thrown off by his strong compliments, but you’d gotten over it quite quickly once you realized Jake never batted an eye about it. Clearly there was a lot of mutual trust between the two.

“Just missed your sweet voice, is all.” You joked. He let out a small chuckle.

“You’re too kind,” he said “but really, what’s up? Usually I’m the one calling you.”

“Don’t say it like that, that makes me sound like an asshole.” You replied.

“You know what I mean.” You could practically hear his eye roll through the phone.

“I know,” you assured him. “I was just calling to see if you knew where Jake was. I haven’t heard from him all day and I got some pretty big news. I called to tell him and he didn’t answer. I thought maybe you were all doing rockstar stuff, but it seems like you were waiting around for someone to call you.” You teased.

“Maybe I just drop everything to talk to you. Have you thought about that?”

“Whatever you say, Joshua.”

“To answer your question, I have no idea where he is. Today is kind of a day off, I guess. We’ve got a meeting tonight, but that’s more of us just hanging out with the managers.”

“Oh, that’s weird, then.” You said, uneasiness sprouting in your stomach.

“He could be asleep, or in music writing mode. I’ll get to the bottom of it for you.” He promised.

“Thanks, super-sleuth.” You laughed.

“What’s your big news?” Josh asked, changing the subject. You didn’t think the topic change was suspicious, more or less just Josh being nosy.

“I don’t know if Jake would forgive me if I told you first.” You were being honest. Jake wanted to be your biggest supporter, and you didn’t know if you telling Josh first would cause any issues. The last thing you wanted to do was hurt him.

“Ah, come on, mama. He didn’t answer, so it’s his loss. Besides, we’re practically the same person. Same DNA and all, you know?”

“I don’t think that makes you the same person, honey.” You giggled. “I think you just want to know.”

“Duh,” he scoffed “I won’t tell him, I promise. I’m really good with secrets.” Somehow, you weren’t sure if you believed him. But you were so excited about your accomplishment that you were itching to tell anyone who was willing to listen.

“Fine, okay, but promise you won’t say anything.”

“I won’t, I swear!” You could hear the giddiness in his voice.

“Okay, I’ll hold you to it, then.” You told him. “Basically, I started my summer internship with the biotechnology society this week. Today I met the head of the department and he told me he’s been wanting to work with me for a long time. He read my report about non-invasive blood-glucose tests and he wants to take it a step further. He thinks it’s worth the time and money.” You rushed out, feeling the excitement take over again.

“Y/n, that is fantastic!” He said. You could feel his smile in his words. One thing you adored about the four boys is that they all seemed incredibly genuine.

“Thank you, Josh. It’s super cool. Usually they only study graduate topics, but I guess he thinks I have what it takes.” You breathed, barely believing your own words.

“You absolutely have what it takes, mama, and Jake is going to be over the moon when you tell him.” You felt a smile break out on your lips.

“Thank you.” You really meant it. Jake and his brothers were always seemed so proud of you, and it made you feel so important. “I can’t wait to see you guys this weekend.”

“We’re really looking forward to it, too. Jake’s been so uptight when we practice because he wants to impress you at the show. It’s starting to get unbearable.” You couldn’t help but laugh, shaking your head in disbelief as if he could see you.

“I’m going to be the biggest fan there, even if he forgets how to play every song.”

“I know that, y/n. He just wants to show off for you. I, on the other hand, don’t have to practice. I already know I’ll win you over.” You rolled your eyes.

“Uh-huh,”

“Oh come on, what’s the matter with a little brotherly competition?” He joked.

“It seems more like a pissing contest.” You said. “Well, as nice as it’s been talking to you, I must go call my own brothers and tell them the news. They’ll be really upset if they find out I told you, first.”

“Like I said, my lips are sealed.” He promised. “I’m really happy for you, y/n.” His earlier tone of humour was gone, replaced with sincerity.

“Thank you, and thanks for picking up.” You said.

“As if I’d ignore you. I’ll find out what’s up with Jake and let you know. Talk soon?”

“Of course. Talk to you later, Josh.” You bid your goodbye. He hung up first, leaving you staring at the blank screen. Worry started to consume you, unsure of what Jake could be up to. The radio silence was extremely strange.

Before calling your own siblings, you decided to jump in the shower. You connected to your Bluetooth speaker, playing music softly in the background as you undressed and turned the faucet on. You climbed in, humming softly to the first song that came up on shuffle. You washed your hair and worked at getting all of the knots out. You took your time washing your body, letting the hot water sooth your stiffness from sitting in an office chair all day. You even took the time to exfoliate and shave. When you stepped out, you felt like a new person. You dried off, wrapping your hair in a towel, and throwing on an oversized t-shit and some sweatpants.

You went back to your room and threw your old clothes in your laundry basket. As you sat on the edge of your bed, your phone chimed from beside you. Your eyes fell on the screen, trying to make out who the message was from. Josh’s name was showing in the notification bar, so you picked it up to read what he said.

Twin Rockstar

Hey, checked on Jake. Don’t think he’s in his room. Will let you know when I find him :)

You typed a quick reply before clicking on your brothers contact. You figured you shouldn’t put off telling them the news any longer, and Sam would be the most likely to answer. You told him you needed him to call you ASAP, throwing your phone back on the mattress. You got up, moving to the closet and scouring through your heaps of clothes. Your hands settled on a simple red dress. Enough to look classy, but not enough to catch too much attention. You threw it on, spritzing some perfume and throwing on some deodorant. As you took your hair down to dry, you started on your makeup. You didn’t put on too much, just enough to accentuate your features.

You finished with swiping on the same lipstick you’d worn the night you met Jake. It was your favourite one before that night, but ever since it had caught his attention, it was the only one you liked to wear. Just as you were finishing up, your phone began to ring. You shuffled over, grabbing it off the mattress and accepting the video call. “Hello, Samuel.” You said, looking over his face.

“So you saw it, too?” He asked, forgoing any type of greeting. You raised an eyebrow, confused at what he could be talking about. He watched you carefully, quickly realizing that you did not want to call him for the same reason. “Oh, nothing.” He said, sheepishly. Your eyes hardened, not willing to play the game with him. He’d always done that; start a sentence or a story and try to change topics. Usually it was only when something bad happened. He hated giving bad news.

“What, Sam?” You pried, waiting for him to give in.

“Nothing, y/n. It was probably just a rumour anyway.”

“Just tell me, please.” You sighed. He shifted uncomfortably under your stare, but eventually conceded.

“I saw something. It’s probably nothing, I just thought you saw it, too, and that’s why you wanted me to call. You never send an urgent message.”

“What did you see, Sam?” Your stomach was twisting with anxiety the more the conversation went on. He let out a jumble of words that you had a hard time understanding. When you gave him a look of confusion, he rolled his eyes.

“I was doing my daily routine of stalking everyone on the internet.” He said, seeming to have trouble with how he was going to word his sentences. Leave it to Sam to spend an hour a day to catch up on everyone else’s drama. “And I saw a couple posts, a-and I think it’s just speculation and rumours,” he led into the topic as easy as he could. “But there’s a couple pictures of Jake going around. With another girl. And everybody thinks it’s a possible girlfriend.” He breathed. Your stomach dropped, but you held your expression firm, not letting a hint of emotion through.

“Oh, okay.” Was all you said. You tried to reason with yourself, wanting to believe that it was just a misunderstanding. Then, your brain immediately focused on the fact that you hadn’t heard from him all day, which was extremely unusual. That, and he hadn’t even told his brothers where he was. You were certain if Josh was lying to you, you’d be able to tell. He wasn’t very good at it. “Can you send me them?” You asked, clearing your throat to get rid of the lump that was forming.

“I’m sure it’s nothing, squirt. I wouldn’t worry too much about it.” His attempt at deflecting the impact was failing miserably.

“Just send them to me, Sam.” Your tone was becoming more angry by the second. He let out a long sigh, but did so without another word. The incoming message popped up on the top of your phone, immediately drawing your attention. You clicked on it, the aforementioned pictures unpleasantly gracing your screen. You tapped on the screenshot, zooming in a little bit to get a closer look.

There he was, unmistakably Jake, sitting at a restaurant table across from an unknown girl. There was a familiar smile on his face, one that made you sick when you thought about him giving it to another girl. You swiped through the photos, quickly finding that it was a whole Twitter chain. ‘Damn, his fans are always on top of the game’ you thought to yourself. There was pictures of them eating together, one with his hand resting on her arm, one of them walking down the street a little too close for comfort, and the last one of her wearing his jacket. You felt an indescribable feeling wash over you.

You read through the comments of fans talking about seeing it, how pretty she was, how happy he looked, and some not so nice tweets. You couldn’t help but feel a small comfort at the unsupportive statements. Your rationale was completely gone now, filled with anger at the sight. More than anything, you felt like an idiot. You fell for him so hard, but he was a boy, and a rockstar, at that. You had no idea why you believed a insignificant girl in Baltimore could tie him down. He probably had a new girl falling for him in every city he visited. Panic started to seep in, realizing that everything you were afraid seemed to be coming true. The look in his eye when he was smiling at her sent a shiver down your spine. It was so similar to how he looked at you.

There was a small part of you insisting there must be more to the story. A bigger, louder part of you didn’t care. Your trust for men and significant others was already extremely low before you met him. You’d spent a lifetime getting treated like garbage and cheated on, and even if this wasn’t the case, you weren’t sure if you even wanted to know. It was easier for you to shut down, to draw the conclusion that boys would always be boys. Although the photos weren’t a tell-all, they certainly didn’t make you feel good when you looked at them. A tiny voice in your brain was telling you that you were being irrational, and that you were doing what you always did; you were using this as a scapegoat to jump ship before you got seriously hurt. Self-destruction was a very well acquainted friend of yours, but you thought you’d left it behind a long time ago.

You took a long, shaky breath before speaking again. “I gotta go.” You mumbled, not giving Sam any time to answer. You hung up, completely forgetting about the real reason you wanted him to call you. You turned your phone on silent, throwing on an old jean jacket. You slung your purse over your shoulder, making sure you had everything you needed before you walked out of your bedroom.

The door slammed behind you with enough force to rattle the wall beside it.

As you made your way down the hallway, your jaw was clenched hard enough to made your head ache. Another classic move of yours; burying the sadness in anger. You tried to break out of it your whole life, but having four hotheaded brothers that loved to pick on you made the emotion permanent. Eve peeked her head around the corner to see what created the loud noise, but recoiled at the look on your face. You walked past her, not able to even give a glance in her direction, scared if you did you would break down. You were sure Sam would tell her, anyway. You threw a pair of shoes on and disappeared through the front door as fast as you could. You knew where you were going, and nobody was going to stop you.

You made your way down the street, eyes set forward and unwavering. The tunnel vision made it easy to ignore all of the passerby’s. By the time you made it to the front door of your favourite bar, you were positively sick with despair. Your stomach was churning and your chest was aching. You wanted nothing more than to go home and cover yourself in blankets and sleep the pain away, but you were never so willing to let a boy ruin you. You pushed through the front door with such a force that everyone’s head turned to look at you once you stepped inside. You went straight to the bar, too determined to drink to pay any mind to them. You stopped once you got in front of the bar, pulling your card out. Mike approached you, giving you a look of curiosity.

“Awful early for you to be here. Usually you only drink before 8 if something serious happened.”

“Triple whiskey sour.” You muttered, in no mood to make conversation. “And two shots of fireball.” He eyed you with concern, but pulled the bottles out, anyway. He wasn’t worried that you couldn’t handle your liquor; he was worried about why you were itching to drink so badly.

“You okay?” He asked as he slid the shot glasses towards you. You took both back to back, ignoring the burning in your chest. It was nothing compared to the ache in your heart.

“Perfectly okay, Mike.” You promised. “Never been better, actually.” He handed you the solo cup, eyes never leaving your face.

“For some reason, I don’t know if I believe you.” He said, watching you take two long drinks out of the glass.

“Quit it with the concerned act. Business is business.” You scolded, mustering a small smile to lessen the blow of the harsh words. You tapped your debit card against the machine once he pushed it towards you, taking a seat in one of the chairs. Tonight was not a dancing night, you decided. You felt your phone vibrating in your purse. It hadn’t stopped since you left the house. You were sure it was Sam, and you cared so little that you didn’t even bother taking it out to check it.

Your first drink came to an end pretty fast, and Mike, knowing you well enough, kept a steady stream of refills in front of you. By the time 9 o’clock rolled around and the bar began to get busy, you were already hammered. The anger in your body was still raging, but you were drunk enough to bury it deep under the surface. Mike had got a bit more talking out of you as the time passed, only making his concern grow more. You were very elusive as to why you were so desperate to be intoxicated, making him believe that whatever the reason was, was really bad. He’d only seen you drink like that on a few occasions, and rarely ever did you go to the bar alone.

“I think you should answer your phone, darlin’.” Mike said, eyeing your purse on the counter as your phone vibrated. As he sat with you, he took note of all the calls you were ignoring.

“You can.” You giggled, nudging the bag towards him. He sighed, reminding you of your dad when he got upset. “I’m not worried about it.” He reluctantly opened your purse and took your phone out, figuring it was better to let your friends know you were alive. You were good enough friends with Mike for him to feel comfortable enough to answer your phone for you. It definitely wouldn’t have been the first time. He tapped the screen, lighting it up to reveal the extensive list of missed calls and texts.

“Eve sent you a bunch of question marks then asked where you went. She’s called you probably a million times. Sam is very worried about you and says he’s going to fly back here if you don’t answer him. Uh, whoever ‘twin rockstar’ is called and texted a few times. Ally called. And ‘Rockstar’ called you about… fifty times.” He listed off. All you could do was laugh. ‘Fuck Jake’, you thought to yourself.

“That’s nice. Can I get another shot with my next drink?” You asked.

“Y/n, you should at least tell Eve where you are.” You played with the straw in your cup, pretending not to hear him. He gave up, sliding your phone back to where it was before. After a moment, he obliged to your request, placing both drinks in front of you. You threw the shot back, feeling someone slide into the chair next to you as you placed the glass back down. You looked over, not recognizing the boy now in your company. You weren’t sure if you were too drunk to place the face, or if you’d never met him before.

“Hey,” he smiled at you. ‘Pretty smile’ you noted.

“Hi.” You replied, not really feeling up to making conversation. You kept your eyes on your drink, not willing to look up at him again.

“What are you drinking? I’ll buy you one.” You almost laughed out loud.

“No, thanks. I’m okay.” You told him, taking a long sip from your straw to avoid any further trouble.

“Why, you have a boyfriend?” He asked. It wasn’t harsh, more of a genuine inquiry. “He must be a lucky guy.” He spoke again before you could answer. You looked over to him, an unfamiliar feeling settling under your skin. You opened your mouth to respond, but you weren’t sure what to say.

“Uh, no, I don’t.” You decided in a split second. As the words came out of your mouth, it felt like someone had punched you in the stomach. “Not anymore, so I’m just not looking for anything.” You explained, gloom casting over you again.

“Sorry to hear that. He must be real stupid to let someone as pretty as you get away.” All you could do was chuckle at his statement. When silence ensued again, he took it upon himself to fill it. “If you change your mind, come and find me.” He quickly scribbled his number down on a bar napkin and slid it your way. Your eyes fell over it, almost finding it humorous. Once he got up and walked away, you handed it to Mike after ripping it in half.

“So dark and broody broke your heart?” Mike asked, tossing the paper in the garbage.

“Don’t say it like that. Makes him sound more important than he is. You have to love someone for them to break your heart.” You explained. Mike eyed you, a knowing look on his features.

“I think you’re lying to yourself, honey.” He said, handing you another shot. He was hyper-aware of your state, wanting to recognize when he needed to cut you off. “It’s okay to get hurt. Makes us human.”

“No lies and not human.” You told him, a sweet smile on your lips.

“Whatever you say.” He shook his head, moving on to serve the next customer. You lost yourself in the music playing over the speakers, finally seeming to rid yourself of the overwhelming emotions. Your face was hot and your body felt light. Your head was swimming with words, but none of them came together to make a worthwhile statement. The intoxication had reached a point where all of your inhibitions were gone; it was a dangerous situation for someone hurting so badly. Just because you weren’t currently immersed in the hurt, didn’t mean you weren’t trying to suffocate it for good.

You walked over to the pool tables, grabbing a cue and racking the balls. You sipped at your drink, shooting aimlessly and sinking shots intermittently. After a while, a group of people joined you at your table. You had no idea who they were, or what their names were. You were sure they told you, but you were in no state to remember them. There were a few girls and two guys, and they all seemed super friendly. They were a good tool to pass the time with, or perhaps more of a distraction than anything. Either way, they were buying pitchers of drinks and sharing, and they were quite funny.

As the hour neared midnight, Mike had turned the sound system up as he usually did. You retracted your much earlier thought, realizing that dancing was the best sounding activity at the moment. One of the boys from the group took his chance, moving closer to you and dancing alongside you. Instead of recoiling, you allowed it, ready to reap the consequences later. He twirled you around, pulling you closer to him so your chest was pressed to his. You both sang the song to each other, faces dangerously close. His hand was on your hip, eyes never leaving you. You were having a good time, but couldn’t shake how wrong it felt. Sure, it was fun, but it was absolutely meaningless. You never wanted to feel something meaningless again after feeling what you had with Jake. He leaned in, attempting to catch you in a kiss, but you withdrew, suddenly feeling dirty for even letting another guy get that close to you. You were lost in thought, almost furious again knowing that Jake still had your entire heart. As bad as you wanted to rid yourself of him, you were more terrified of feeling like you weren’t his anymore, or him yours. The thought didn’t last long, because someone grabbed your arm and pulled you away from the group.

You looked to the source of the disturbance, only to be met with the fuming faces of your roommates. You took a moment to process it, blinking hard to rid yourself of the double vision. “We’ve been calling you all night.” Eve said, dangerously calm. “We didn’t know if you were dead, or if you got kidnapped, or what, until Mike called us and told us you were here.”

“Why would he-“

“Do not get mad at him for looking out for you.” She snapped. You felt a wave of nausea run through you as your face burned with heat. “I’m taking you home before you do something you’ll regret.” She pulled you towards the door, not willing to listen to any sort of explanation. When you got outside, the cool night air hit you like a million knives on your skin.

“Eve,” you mumbled. She continued walking, not listening to your warning. “M’gonna be sick.” You told her. She stopped, looking back at you. Her tough exterior faltered, now really seeing the state you were in. She pulled you back in an alleyway, gathering your hair in her hands. You braced yourself with your hand on the brick of the building, heaving until there was nothing left in your stomach. When you straightened up, there were tears in your eyes. Some from throwing up, but more from crying.

You took a step back, leaning your whole body against the wall and letting out the sob you’d been holding back all night. Ally was standing guard at the end of the side-street, making sure nobody could witness your crisis. You were consumed with the memories of the pictures you saw earlier that night, feeling a non-alcohol related sickness in your stomach. Eve dug in your purse, finding a small pack of tissues. She pulled one out and cleaned off your face as best she could before discarding it on the ground. Normally, she’d be appalled at the thought of throwing garbage on the ground. At the moment, she was willing to sacrifice her morals rather than hold on to the repulsive piece of paper.

She brushed the hair from your face, for once being completely unsure of how to help you. She couldn’t recall the last time she’d seen you so upset. “Let’s get you home, okay?” She whispered. You managed a nod through your inconsolable state. She led you back to the main road after helping you take your heels off. She kept a supportive hold around your back, making sure you didn’t stumble and fall. Ally took to the other side of you, also offering her support.

The walk was treacherous and much longer than it should have been. By the time the two girls got you through the door, you were nothing short of a mess. Eve whispered something to Ally that you didn’t quite catch. Then, Eve helped you to the couch and Ally disappeared from sight. Eve took a seat next to you, gently wiping away the tears staining your cheeks. You tried to catch your breath, feeling completely out of control. Within a few minutes, Ally had rejoined the group holding a plethora of items in her arms. She put them down on the couch, making fast work at her mission.

First she pulled out a few makeup wipes, handing them to Eve so she could rid you of the mascara running down your face. When she was done, she placed the wipes on the coffee table. Ally handed her a hair tie next. Eve turned you slightly, combing her hands through your hair and quickly braiding it. “Next parts gonna be a bit harder.” She mumbled. “Gotta stand for me, okay?” You gave a nod. She helped you to your feet, steadying you before unzipping the back of your dress and slipping the sleeves off. When it fell to your ankles, she pulled a large t-shirt over your head. “There.” She sighed. You slowly sat back down on the sofa, feeling the world spinning around you.

“I’m sorry.” You mumbled, squeezing your eyelids shut. Tears were still making their way out with no sign of stopping.

“I know.” She said, thumb brushing them away as fast as they were falling. “I know you’re hurting. We all do stupid stuff when we’re hurting.”

“I told him I loved him. He said he loved me, too.” You cried, feeling the ache settle in your bones again. “He promised.” You blubbered.

“I know, honey. We’re gonna get some sleep and sober you up a bit, and we’ll fix this in the morning, okay?”

“I’m supposed to go to Atlanta next weekend.” In your drunken state, you unintentionally disregarded everything she was saying. “He said he was gonna take me around the world with him. I knew this was going to happen. I never should have opened up. I never should have let this happen.” You let out a shaky breath. “I don’t even know if he did it, or not. All I know is that it hurts. ‘nd m’so scared because I hate when people have this much power over me.” She knew you were really fucked up over this, because it was nothing like you to come out with all of your feelings so willingly. “I love him. I really love him. I’ve never felt like this before, and it just made me realize that he makes me so happy, but he has the power to take it away whenever he wants. And he’s this big rockstar who can have anybody he wants. All he has to do is say the word. He can have girls who looks like that. Why would he settle for me?”

“Hey, that is not true. Anyone who ends up with you will be the luckiest person in the world.” She scolded, not willing to accept that.

“He’s just… he’s Jake. And he’s perfect. And I adore him. A-and I’m so scared of losing him that… that I feel like I have to leave first, to spare myself from the worse hurt, later, you know?” You hiccuped. “I always do this. M’gonna ruin it for myself because m’always so fucking scared! I tried to get rid of the feeling, to get rid of him, but all of the stuff that usually works just made me think about him even more. I don’t want him to have that power over me, don’t want him to be able to flip my world upside down whenever he wants, but it just felt so good being loved by him and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forget it.” You let your head fall back into the cushion of the couch, completely defeated by how you were feeling. She quickly caught on to the fact that this whole situation may have had a lot less to do with the pictures from earlier, and much more to do with your fear of being in love.

“I know, baby.” She practically winced. She didn’t know the full story. She only knew what Sam had told her, then Jake’s incoherent babbling on the phone when he called her earlier. He was so out of his mind with worry she was surprised he didn’t jump on a plane and fly back just to make sure you were alive. Then, when she finally calmed him down enough to tell him she would make sure you were okay, Josh called and voiced his worry and defence of his brother. Eve was completely in the loop from all sides of the battle, but she had no idea what was really going on. “Ally is going to get the air mattress and we’ll all stay out here tonight. We’re not gonna leave you.” She pulled you into her, holding you close. Ally disappeared once again, off to gather more necessities. Eve rubbed your back, soothing you as you worked through your emotions. Her main concern was you, and it would always be that. Once you were asleep, she’d worry about everyone else.

The two girls banded together to pump up the large air mattress, having to take turns every now and again. Eventually, they had it set up and decorated the top with comforters and pillows. They prompted you to get in, wanting to get you to sleep as fast as possible, hoping if you got enough rest you’d feel better in the morning. They turned on a speaker, playing gentle music in the background so you could focus on something other than your hurt. It didn’t take long for the alcohol in your system to lull you to sleep, soft snores falling from your mouth.

“What the fuck happened?” Ally asked, finally winding down from the eventful night.

“I… couldn’t tell you, really. Sam sent me some suspicious pictures of Jake and another girl. Apparently Twitter thinks they’re together. And you know her, she doesn’t really believe in explanations or second chances. I guess it probably reminded her of last time. And I think she may be using it as a cop out because she’s really in love with him, and that terrifies her.”

“Do you think Jake would do that to her?” Ally asked, genuinely curious.

“He seems to be head over heels for her, but the pictures did seem kind of incriminating. He wasn’t kissing her or anything like that, but he was pretty close with her and she was wearing his jacket. Whoever she was, he looked quite enthralled in her. If i were her, I’d probably be pretty hurt, too. I don’t think she’s wrong to feel upset, especially if she didn’t know about it or who she was before she saw the pictures. I do think she should talk to him about it before running away.” Eve explained. Ally gave a nod. “Jake called me and he was super upset. Could barely understand what he was saying. He was just all over the place. Told him I’d make sure she was okay, but I didn’t ask him about it. I’m on team y/n, always. I’m not going to vouch for him, cause that will only make her mad at me.” She shrugged. “Even if he didn’t cheat on her, she’s still hurting. Maybe a bit more from her internal battles, but she’s still hurting.”

“I get that.”

“Josh called, too, trying to explain on behalf of his brother. It’s just a mess. I hope that Jake does have a good explanation, because I really like them together. But I’m not sure if she’ll listen to him, even if he does. She doesn’t listen to anyone but herself.” Eve chuckled. Ally nodded, knowing that all too well. “She already has the idea in her head, and every one of those feelings are multiplied by a thousand because she’s in love. Like, really in love. I don’t think she’s been this crazy for anyone, ever.” Just as she finished speaking, your phone began to ring in your purse again. Eve pulled it out, inspecting the screen. She sighed, rejecting the call and picking up her own phone. She dialled back the number that called you and waited for him to answer. She didn’t feel the need to completely block Jake out, but she’d be damned if she was going to let you know she was talking to him.

“Hey,” a raspy voice said from the other side of the phone.

“Hello, Jacob.” Eve said.

“Is she okay?” Her eyes looked towards you sleeping soundly on the air mattress.

“That’s a relative term, I think.” She grimaced slightly, recalling the state you had been in. “Alive, yeah, but she’s really fucked up.”

“Okay.” Jake said, clearing his throat a little bit. “I didn’t mean to hurt her.”

“That’s also quite relative. I’d like to say I know, but I can’t.”

“I didn’t cheat on her.” He said firmly. “I’m not cheating on her. I would never do that.”

“Okay.” She replied, mimicking his earlier statement.

“I absolutely know why she’s mad at me. If it was the other way around and I saw those pictures, I’d… yeah.” He trailed off.

“I can’t defend you to her, Jake. She’s been my best friend for years. I barely know you. Even if she’s overreacting, which I am absolutely not saying she is, I’m on her side.” Eve explained. “Unless she did something really fucked up, which she didn’t, and she won’t.” She added quickly, wanting to clarify that she wouldn’t blindly stand up for you in every context. “She’s a spitfire. She goes from 1 to 100 faster than anyone I’ve ever met. Yeah, she’s upset about what happened today, but I think she’s also having a hard time with being in love. She’s scared of it. Always has been. She’s so independent that it’s actually infuriating, and I believe she may be struggling with depending on someone for once. This whole thing might have been the excuse she’s been waiting for, to run away.” Eve explained. “I think maybe if she just saw the pictures, it wouldn’t have been so bad. But all of those Twitter comments were pretty hard to read, and I’m not even dating you.”

“I know. That part of fame sucks. Everyone speculates, and stories spread before we even know that it caught someone’s attention. And I get it. I understand why you and her both feel the way you do. I would feel the same if one of my brothers got hurt.” She did feel quite bad for him. She didn’t think Jake was a bad guy, but perhaps not the best at communication. In this instance, at least. “Can you at least try to get her to come to Atlanta? Just so I can talk to her. I’ll fly her back as soon as I do, if that’s what she wants. I just can’t leave things like this, and I know she’ll never answer my calls.” His words were met with a staggering silence. After a while, Eve spoke again.

“Do you swear on your life you didn’t cheat on her?” She asked, picking at a string that had frayed from the hem of her sweater.

“I promise.” He said, quite firmly.

“Cause if I get her to go Atlanta and I find out you really did fuck her over, I’ll kill you.” She replied as a matter-of-fact.

“I would never do that to her, Eve.” She believed him, for the most part. If he was lying, he was really good at it. “I love her.” He finally admitted. The sincerity in his words took her off guard.

“I’ll try, rockstar. It may not work, and I’m not going to force her, but I’ll try to get her on that plane. Only because I think you guys are cute together, and you made her so happy. She’s never had that before. It took a lot for her to give you a chance, especially after the last guy. If this ends like this, I don’t think she’ll ever recover.”

“Thank you.”

“Don’t. And also, this conversation never happened. I’m not defending you, I’m not going behind her back, nothing like that. The only reason I’m doing this is because I think it’s in her best interest. Even if it’s just closure, that’s fine by me.” She warned. “Now think up a real good apology, rockstar.”

“Will do.” He said. There was no room for any more words, because she’d already hung up. Ally gave Eve a look of caution, worried that Eve was going to rock the boat even further. Eve brushed it off, standing and flicking the lights off in the living room. She climbed on the air mattress and wrapped herself up in a blanket. Ally followed suit, both of them falling asleep not long after with the hope that the morning would bring some form of clarity.

TAGLIST: @gvfpal @jakesgrapejuice @hellowgoodbye

[whxre4hange]

attack on titan but dodgeball hc’s

eren is most definitely trying his best to DEMOLISH the other team

nothing will stand in his way. anything that does will be crushed.

probably hits a bunch of his teammates accidentally during his rampage

mikasa is mvp

well she would be if she wasn’t constantly lurking around ereh

NO ONE WILL TOUCH EREH

has dove and skidded on the ground at least 20 times to catch the ball and/or protect ereh

armin cowered on the ground behind his teammates for the first 20 minutes and was the last one standing cause everyone else got picked off before him

tries to psych the other team out- “cmon, let’s talk it out- we can talk this out! violence isn’t the answer!” [boos] “you wouldn’t wanna hit me, would you? i’m so weak and defenceless and you would NEVE-‘ [gets hit by 5 different balls]

sasha ate 10 baked potatoes before the game and she gets stitches 30 seconds into the game

she is on the floor crawling around the whole time

‘pls im an injured woman dont throw anything at me :(‘

she also snuck a bunch of snacks into her pockets so she’s snacking at the back until someone gets her out

and she’s still snacking on the sidelines #girboss

connie does not understand what is going on, he thinks it’s catch, so he keeps throwing it at his teammates

and he’s like :’o when everyone yells at him

“ur just mad because u cant catch properly” connie no ur just dumb sweetie

jean wants to be the leader and is the control freak of the team, but no one cares about anything he says

and because eren is not petty at all, he ignores everything jean says and instead gets everyone to do the opposite

marco is the wholesome one. shakes everyone’s hand. smiles and wishes everyone good luck (including the opposing team). is the first one out because he got distracted whilst smiling and waving to his mom, who was in the crowd. yells encouragement from the sidelines. (he’s so precious PLS)

reiner is following historia around constantly trying to be a human shield

spoiler; it doesn’t work

ymir keeps intercepting anything that dares come near historia and “accidentally” whacks reiner every time he gets too close

annie is the true mvp. she’s an absolute machine. but she kicks the balls instead of throwing it. beat up the referee when he tried to tell her it was against the rules

given his size, bertholdt is seemingly an easy target

or is he? bertolto is actually a very speedy player

although he struggled to get how the game worked at first, bertoloto quickly grasped the rules and became the runner up mvp

bertrololololololol has kind of made it his mission to be annie’s back up- always catching/intercepting anything that might hit annie and attacking would-be annie attacks

very good at running, ducking - you name it, birthcontrol can do it!

erwin, surprisingly, is really really really bad at dodgeball

gives a really huge inspirational speech to his team but doesn’t understand the point of it

why throw balls when he has the biggest balls out of everyone? [this was a joke about what a great brave commander he was, not a sex joke. pls don’t cancel me]

anyways all jokes aside, he just stands there like 🧍🏼 what is going on

gets hit very quickly and sits on the sidelines researching the origins of dodgeball

hange managed to invent this robotic arm that throws dodgeballs at an insane pace

but it malfunctions and targets her & her team instead

oh and she built it legs that have suddenly started working and it’s chasing her around now

moblit is frantically running after hange with the remote screaming because he can’t find the off button

(spoiler: there is no off button. hange forgot. in her defence, she made it at 3am on a grand total of -50 hours of sleep)

levi is above this nonsense and is silently judging you all

lmao you thought. he’s lurking in the back throwing stuff at hange #pettygirlboss

some r from aot junior high but I tried to expand on them and add more stuff :) hope u enjoyed

[unearthlychild34]

I am sometimes smart enough to be able to outrun myself. What a gift.

I have had plenty of people ask me why I hold to my religion in an era when it is becoming passé. I can give lots of pretty reasons, ones that are true and that I even believe, ones I think are enough to satisfy them. I was raised in it, it provides a kind of structure I find valuable, society is better when we believe in principles like love, hope, and justice, even simply that I think it’s true.

Then we get deeper, the things I rarely admit out loud. I’ve seen too much to ever successfully shake it off. As Flannery O’Connor and Graham Greene wrote, I know any attempts to outrun it will only circle me back around. Because at its heart, Ive had too many moments when fate could, or perhaps even should have ended differently. Ended with me being dead. Over and over and over again.

As much as I wish it was selfless, at its heart, I am haunted by the idea that I shouldn’t be here, and I need to understand why. There has to be a why. Especially on the nights when my continuing to live feels like a mistake.

Ive spent my whole life being able to see too much, know too much, feel too much. Everywhere I go, I feel like a harbinger, an omen of doom. It is not doom I create, but I continually find myself situated in places right before chaos breaks out, as old things die and new ones must be born out of the still-screaming ashes. I talk to people who have loved people, places, and institutions which have supported them their entire lives, out of which they build families and identities and homes. I can’t understand what that must be like.

Ive been told before that I have a gift for prophecy, of a kind of intimacy with God in communication. It’s rarely felt like a gift.

I recently found a blog which pondered the relationship between God and his prophets. How they often wished for death, an end to the burden. They wondered if this is why God came down, to find out why these beloved ones wanted to die. If he too grows tired of himself sometimes. Im certainly tired, but I don’t know of what.

People ask me what I want from life. All I can do is scream “meaning” into the void and politely smile as I respond “Oh, you know, Im young, Im not really sure.” Because Im not sure I’ll find it. Im falling in love with a woman who suffocates under the mere idea of organized religion as I consider pursuing seminary. I want to go back to school but know my body can’t handle it, my heart can’t handle it. I might go anyway. Im working a job that lets me see beautiful sunrises, be active and work with my hands, but also meaningfully engage my mind and do something genuinely valuable for my community. Someone else would do it if I didn’t. Maybe I could accomplish more as a college professor. Maybe I could accomplish more as a stay-at-home parent. Maybe I could accomplish more if I devoted my life to research, or wrote inspiring books, or worked in a nonprofit setting. Maybe this is the most good I’ll ever do, right here and now.

Maybe I’ll die tomorrow. Maybe it doesn’t actually mean anything. Maybe my existence is both anomaly and unremarkable, and my continuing presence here is also unremarkable. Maybe everyone is better off without me anyway.

But Im not ready to accept that. So all I can do is keep telling myself that I believe in love, hope and justice for a reason. That it does have meaning. And if God does get sick of himself sometimes, that only means that he understands why I feel so nauseous tonight. And maybe I will someday find that meaning. Maybe not. But I won’t find it if I don’t look.