#im scared im gonna get judged but then again this is the app that made oncest sooo

[gracingtodd]

if anyone here wants to hear me and @souperbat out on the jason squared/redsparks ship (yes, it’s jason todd x jason grace dont judge us i beg) feel free to hop into either of our dms :3

[words-for-holland]

Always Yours

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Summary: Sometimes dating a celebrity is hard...but Tom & Y/N have always said no matter what happens they could get through anything. Some angst but a lot of fluff.

A/N: So sorry for leaving yall hanging! Life is just crazy right now and this blog needs a lot of TLC tbh!! Also ehh I def dont think this was my best work but enjoy?

“Oof” Y/N lets out as she plops on to her boyfriend who was lying comfortable on the couch. Tom groaned at the impact with a cheeky smile on his face, his arms instantly wrapping around Y/N’s frame.

“Y’know..there are empty seats right there.” The soft brown-eyed boy gestured with the flick of his thick head as Y/N raises her eyes looking down at him, pretending to be slightly offended.

“Oh I see how it is then. It’s cool...Ill just cuddle with Tessa instead. I know she would welcome me with open arms instead of—” As she slowly starts getting off his chest, Tom is quick to pull her back in, securing her with his strong arms. “No baby, I was just kidding. I want you right here, and Im never letting you go.” he pleas.

The only thing Y/N could manage was letting out a fit of giggles into his chest, a sound that Tom adored and would do absolutely anything to hear every minute of every day. They stay like this for a while enjoying the feeling of each other as they both run their hands into each others hair, the feeling of their chests moving up and down, the subtle thumps of their heartbeats, and the little slips of adoration that came out of their mouths. It was peaceful. A moment that nobody could really take a way because it was theirs.

Y/N casually pulls up her phone, and scrolls through Twitter when she noticed a particular tweet on her timeline. Her eyebrows furrow, as she read the 160 character message.

Why Tom Holland Should Be With Aaliyah Cole and Dump Y/N: A Thread.

She knew it wasnt a good idea to open up the thread. She knew very well that everything within the shallow string of tweets would be a complete waste of her time because it was made up by fans who just wanted to satisfy their fantasy of shipping Tom with his co-star. Who can blame them? They always had great chemistry, but it was part of the job and thats all it would ever be.

“You’re awfully quiet.” Tom murmurs, as he places soft kisses at the crown of her head. “Whats going on?” She was lucky her phone was facing away from Tom, quickly closing the app and pretending to be on one of her many tabs in Safari.

“Mmm..nothing.” Y/N lies softly, a tight-lipped smiled plastered on her face.

“Absolute bullocks. Youre not a very good liar.” He chuckles. “Tell me darling. Whats on your mind?”

Y/N rolls her eyes in response. She’s heard that comment one too many times in her life from everyone shes known. After not giving it much thought, she gives in, sighing heavily. “Dont judge me for what Im about to say.”

“Mmm...I think it might depend on wha— Ow” Tom reacts as he playfully rubs the side of his chest that Y/N hit. “Okay too soon for jokes. Go on.”

Again, Y/N sighs as she props herself up. “Its just ... well a lot of your fans keeps talking about wanting you to get with Aaliyah.” She looks down trying not to make eye contact with Tom, who she’d imagine was looking at her with annoyance.

Tom rolls his eyes at the ridiculousness. Not so much at Y/N but the fact that some of his fans just didnt want to accept the fact that he was happy with Y/N. If it had to come from his mouth to stop the stupid rumors and give his girlfriend peace, then hed gladly yell it from the rooftops for everyone to hear. “Thats it Im making a statement about it.”

Y/N’s eyes widen in fear, scrambling to prevent him from grabbing his phone on the table next him. “No no no no.” She repeatedly declines. “You’ll only make it worse.”

“Darling, Im not going to stand here and watch you get all insecure because of their delusional ship.”

“Yeah well Im not gonna be the reason your fans hate me because Im getting in the way of your friendship with Aaliyah Cole.” She fires back.

Tom was ready to open his mouth only to be cut off once again. “And you know better. That is how your fans will always see it.”

“Okay, are you done?” He calmly asked, cautiously observing her. Rarely did Y/N ever get worked up about anything, but when she had her tangents, Tom always made sure she got off everything she needed to say before he becomes her voice of reason.

“Yeah, I guess.” she says feeling defeated. “Look its whatever and Im tired, can we just let this go and forget this whole conversation even happened?”

Tom was unconvinced, but didnt want to push her further. So reluctantly, he gave in and wrapped his arms around Y/N as they both tried to lull themselves to sleep.

***

Y/N wasnt sure how she ended up in the Tube. It was strange how the lights flickered off the rusted tile floor. The train was no where to be seen, but off to the side of the railroads was pitch black, she could hardly see beyond. To her right she noticed herself standing in the corner of the room, and to her surprise Aaliyah was there. Her milk chocolate kissed skin, and fashionably long frizzy hair dropped down past her shoulders. Her figure long and poised, as she wore a rain jacket and sweats. An outfit only she could pull off and make it look like she was a model for Vogue. Aasliyah smiles brightly at Y/N.

“Hey Y/N.” She says cheerfully as a genuine friend would.

To Y/N’s surprise she greeted her back in the same tone. “Hey Aaliyah...uhh whats going on?” Y/N wasnt sure if she wanted the answer of how they both ended up in the Tube or if she truly wanted to know how her day went.

“Well Im getting ready to present at the Oscars.” She replies, a smile plastered as if she was so excited about it, almost too excited like she was keeping a secret.

“Really? Oh my god, that’s amazing! Im so proud of you Aaliyah! Who are you taking?”

Aaliyah pauses for a few moment looking back and forth, making sure no one else was around. “Okay can you keep a secret?” She whispered.

Y/N nods her head slowly, not having the slightest clue of what was going on. “Im taking Tom. I think he really likes me, and well...I like him too! Do you think maybe I should ask him when we go?” Aaliyah asked genuinely. It was almost like she had no recollection of Y/N and Tom being a couple. “I think we would look good together. Everyone is already making rumors and ships about us.”

Y/N backs aways lowly only to bump into a broad figure. As she turns around she sees Tom, emotionless and almost sad. “Y/N.” He speaks out. “I dont think this is going to work out. Im leaving you.”

Y/N’s heart quickens, and her breaths become shorter as she tries to find a way to run. Running and running into the darkness, until all she could hear was Tom’s faint voice calling out her name.

***

“Y/N! Y/N! Baby wake up please.” Tom cries as he gently shakes his girlfriend from her disturbed sleep.

Quickly Y/N opens her eyes and clutches on to Toms hoodie firmly. Back home, and in Toms arms. It was a dream was all she thought. A sigh of relief escaping from her mouth.

“Darling...” he speaks softly, worried about his girlfriend. “Are you okay?”

Y/N looks up at him and nods frantically. “Mmm..bad dream.”

“Yeah it seemed like it. You were so frightened...I was scared. What happened?” He’s looking at her, trying to read her saddened eyes, wanting to desperately understand what scared her so he could make it all go away for her.

Y/N looks down at her fiddling hands, as she sits on the couch. “I uhh...” she lets out a chuckle, thinking of the ridiculousness of it all. “I uhh...dreamed about Aaliyah going to the oscars and saying how she loved you and how you two are perfect for each other. When I turned around I saw you but you werent happy and said you were leaving me.”

Tom doesnt say a word, all he could think about was how sorry he felt to put Y/N in this position. Though both of them knew, It wasnt Toms fault, or anyone’s for that matter. Feelings are feelings and that was okay. No human being was ever born perfect and without insecurities.

Y/N always tried to be a good sport with situations like this knowing every shippers theory and evidence were hardly ever true, but at some point there was only so much she could take before it all came out like an oil spill. Maybe it was a sign that she wasnt good enough to be with Tom if half of his fanbase thought this way as well.

Tom cradled her into his arms again, holding her tightly and kissing the top of her head. “Darling, I know youre still doubting yourself about all of this, but please believe me when I tell you that I love you so so much and no matter what happens...Im always yours.” He whispers gently in her ear. “It was only a dream and these ridiculous rumors and theories are just that. No one woman in the world could ever make me feel the way I feel for you.”

Y/N blinks softly, as she stares into space. Afraid and in a weird way ashamed, its funny how something so small and so minimal could affect her self-esteem so greatly. Tom gently brings her head up, so her eyes can meet his. He rolls his thumb on the bottom of her soft lips. “Hey, I love you.” Tom smiles.

Time stopped for the both of them the moment Y/N looked into his eyes, she felt safe. All the bad words and thoughts slowly disappear. Tom was right, none of the things that anyone said about their relationship mattered. She knew Tom loved her, and how much she truly loved him. Isnt that enough? Of course not. It was more than enough. A smile slowly forming on Y/N’s face. “Theres that smile I love so much.” He comments.

“Im sorry, for being such a —”

“No. Its okay. You have a right to feel the way you did.” He picks up her hand and leaves a gentle kiss.

“I love you so much Tom.” She says pressing her lips to his. “I dont deserve you.”

“Darling, its me that doesnt deserve you. Im always yours.” Tom proclaims as he kisses her back.

[glitchedhearts]

Thoughts on Muriels endings

OBVIOUSLY SPOILERS LEAVE NOW AND SCROLL PAST THIS

CG AND ENDING SPOILERS

Reversed Ending first because I did that first.

Short answer:

What.The.Fuck.Just.Happened.

Long answer:

THAT.....THAT WAS A WILD ONE. Okay that was the first time a reversed ending made me genuinely TERRIFIED of the LI. You don't know how fast my heart was racing when he said: "You want the Scourge. Well you got him." LIKE SIR PLEASE CALM DOWN.

OKAY COME THROUGH SEXY BOUNTY HUNTER. Okay jokes aside I love this outfit and it really suits him.

Finding out that Vesuvia doesn't want them around after that was kinda surprising but realistic.

They said they would fix it and just made it worse on everyone. Obviously they would not be too pleased about that.

...........

YOU DONT KNOW HOW LOUD I SCREAMED. LIKE THIS GENUINELY SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME SO BADLY THAT I LEFT THE APP FOR A BIT BECAUSE I NEEDED TO CALM DOWN. I HAVE NEVER BEEN SCARED OF A LI BEFORE UNTIL NOW. THIS CG WAS THAT GOOD THAT IT GENUINELY SCARED ME.

After I calmed down:

Watching Muriel breakdown like that hurt so much. Like he wasn't himself in that scene and it hurt after he realized what happened and ran off. That scene reminded me of the scene where he was going to spar against Mc.....or Danny okay im done....and he ran off because he was scared of hurting them.

This entire scene made me smile because it's just very silly and a nice break from....everything.

Sir I appreciate the sentiment, but you have enough. 😀

Anyway I would rank this ending a 9/10 I really really loved it but the panic attack wasn't nice 🥲

TLDR; Thanks for scaring me 9/10

Upright Ending

.....I dont have much to say honestly

It was short and sweet yeah but I dont think it should get that much flack, but here are my likes and dislikes

Short answer:

I cried sue me.

Long Answer:

Okay yes it was memey I get that but I'm not too hard on it because it made me laugh. Does it measure up to the torture I was put through in the reversed ending.....no, but I still liked it.

The drinking game was funny sue me, but I think we could have had more to it or at least something with the final game. A simple ball game was a bit anticlimactic....but um.....I think I had enough action with the reversed ending, so I'm not gonna be too hard on it.

Muriels speech touched my heart and I think that was my...second favorite part of the ending. It made me think of all we have been through and thats when I started to get emotional. I'm lonely and a sap shhh.

Lucio crying out for his mom to save him was bittersweet justice. Muriels comebacks to him were spot on, and his defeat was justly.

I meant to get a screenshot for this but I forgot. I thought there was gonna be more to the hut then just grabbing the tapestries from it even if it was a sweet moment it could have been more than a moment.

My least favorite part was the drawn out part of them telling us how Vesuvia changed. Some of that could have gathered more time with the others or with Muriel. I'm happy that we know but I wish there was a little more.

.....Right before this I was complaining about how they didn't change the look of the hut.....this shut me up so quick.

I LOVE HOW THIS LOOKS. It looks so much more homey then it used to and I think it's very fitting. Personally my favorite part. Other than the bald Muriel glitch....

Sir that is a proposal. I will take it as such. And you can't stop me.

I literally drop my phone and started to cry when this cg flashed onto my screen. Dont judge me. I love this CG so much like look at Inanna. 💝💝💝💝💝 I really love this and can't wait to see how Portias endings will fare in comparison.

TL;DR Again I cried Sue me 7.5/10

Reversed ending: 9/10

Upright ending: 7.5/10

Another where I like the reversed ending better oh no....

[fuckthisblog]

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I need to spend more time on tumblr I forgot how calming this was.

I haven’t blogged since April it looks like so fuck...uuhhhh i used to make mini timelines on here and idek how to sum it all up but imma give it a shot for future me cause i always like to come back and read these - gonna go back in time a little to get the full covid picture but it ends with talking about the woods walk that lead to this video which brings me SO MUCH JOY

march 12th ~ last day i was at clinicals before it cancelled april 1st - online class stuff officially starts happening it probably happened before this but this is when i made a record of it. started anatomy review n shit for big ass exam april 5th - judging by my writing.. depression kicks in hard but also studying WAYYY too much every damn day april 14th ~ big deal first job interview april 17th ~ did the breakup thing, think that was the last time i wrote on here april 29th - found out big ass certification test on may 20th is scheduled for TBD ~ also found out i  got the job but awsjhcfksdjhk now certifcation is postponed for got knows when may 1st - journal says “i got to see syd and i feel better”, dont think i realized how hard the breakup feels were hittin me cause i remember casually hanging out n then suddenly crying may 13th - slept through last day of my fucking class like a goddamn depressed dummy may 18 n 19 n 20 - miss kitty to the er, and then to her nuero appointment and they think brain tumor but cant afford MRI but prednisone instantly makes her better. all the scared feels of losing her and class being done and no certification exam in sight and just general awful nothingness floating through the void (still studying way too much everyday day) seems like i saw kirk like every other weekend idk how to feel about that im the worst w clean breakups may 21st ~ technically ive graduated but it feels like nothing. also idk if he did it this day or the next but kirk dropped off flowers and a card and a you did it! smiley face thing with a grad cap on that yells YOU DID IT whenever u touch it lol may 26th ~ study sesh w shawna n jordan i know i did other study seshs w them too but idk when, and then home and parents had signs made on the lawn to congratulate me graduating, and then sydney got dropped off and we headed to rhode island may 28th ~ very interesting/bad/idk wtf mushroom trip. adderall was still in my system and i dont think my body liked that mix and then i took xanax to try to calm down but theyre not pharm approved xanax so i just lost some time but syd took awesome care of me and we laughed about this weird juicy couture dress idk even though it was bad it was great cause i was with her. i do remember petting miss kitty and she had like overlapping colored outlines and looked very ethereal and it kept me calm while syd was outside. before the trip was great too i went to ocean state job lot and syd and i made a bonfire and ate donuts n delicious coffee milkshakes honestly it was all great slept entire day after bad trip but then wokeup and immediately started studying again lmao june 1st - called the people to try to get my test scheduled but that was a no go june 4th - letter arrives can actually schedule test - schedule for 16th STUDY STUDY DIE DIE DIE STUDY DIE STUDY DIE SHdkjceshkfchsdjc june 16th - FUCKIN PASSED MY TEST june 30th - mask fitting n stuff july 1st - good hangs w syd im lucky to have her july 5th - go to the fells for the first time in FUCKIN FOREVER cause syd and lucas were going n invited me and im so happy they did swimming felt so good omg july 7th - first day o work july 10th - officially scrubbed in again, feels good, but exhausting july 21st - all nighter where connor tells me he never loved me but in the context of an actually really good heart to heart session (which weve been having a bunch of latelyp) im upset but also not at all, work is exhausting but ive started taking my antidepressants again (literally that morning lol) and i go for a woods walk n swim after, and a deer follows me in the forest and its magical and life is good july 22nd - fuckin slept through work and thats never happened so been pushin myself a bit too hard july 25th - yesterday, worked saturday w j so we’re the only tchs there and did 2 lap apps and a hemiarthroplasty and it was good but also a little discouraging idk if this career is for me

and that about brings it up to today. talking to kirk less which is good for both of us. connor and i having lots of heart to hearts n genuine friendship chats. glad thats come full circle. lucky to have syd in my life. just generally idk that bears repeating haha i love her and writing this is realized how many times i wanted to write “and then syd made everything better” - she was the first person i called after i passed my test and she started screaming for me cause she knows me and knows my past and how hard ive worked and idk just a lotta love there. im lucky. word end of things idk wtf is going on but does anybody really? hahahaha. this career is not for me and i know it deep down but ill finish orientation before i do anything. but as of right now even though lifes good it kinda feels bad cause almost everyday im sweating and shaking and in so much fucking pain for a 10 hour shift and then i come home and collapse. antidepressants are helping though. i havent been on them for the entirety of my program/job so i thought that the job just came w this sort of exhaustion. but now im remembering theres after work tired and then theres depression tired.

[trueslove]

✧･ﾟ: * (  park jiwon  ,  cis  female ,  she / her  )  have  you  seen  violet  hwang  around  ?   i  hear  the  twenty-one  year  old  is  working  as  an  art  director  .  did  you  know  they  have  97  love  alarm  points  ?  if  they  ever  want  to  be  truly  loved  someday  they  should  ease  up  on  being  temperamental  &  enigmatic  .  at  least  you  can  say  they’re  disarming  &  convivial,  too.  /  love alarm blocked

                     hello  !  im  xan  and  ur  watching  d*sney  channel ...  just  kidding  we  do  NOT  support  big  corporations  who  just  wanna  take  ur  money  😔  im  22  ,  from  the  est  timezone  (  even  though  my  sleeping  schedule  ...  does  not  reflect  that  sjbdwjkbdjdw  )  &  i  go  by  she  /  her  pronouns  !  im  gonna  be  honest  this  intro  is  gonna  be  completely  winged  so  buckle  up  ....  and  meet  violet  😋 

━  ˙ ˖  ☆     quick stats + aesthetics  !

full name: violet hwang. 

nickname(s): vee, vivi.

zodiac: tba....

sexuality: bisexual.

birthplace: manhattan, new york.

current residence: toronto, canada.

aesthetics: maraschino cherries at the bottom of a glass, driving with the windows down at night, unanswered text messages, black nail polish, the sound of rain hitting the windowpane, kissing and not telling, smiles that don’t quite reach the eyes.

━  ˙ ˖  ☆     backstory ! 

was born and raised in nyc baby ! she’s a true city girl, grew up in lower manhattan ( the financial district if u wanna get specific ) to a family with lots of $$$$ thanks to her father’s position as a ceo of an investment bank located on wall street 

life was pretty smooth until she was 17 and her father got arrested for embezzlement and fraud </3 it was actually a huge scandal for the investment bank he worked for because it was a whole group of higher ups who had been in on these crimes. basically a bunch of already rich men trying to get richer ... disgusting ik /: 

her life changed pretty drastically after that ! the hwang name was all over the news, their family was pretty much disgraced by high society in nyc, not a very fun time for anyone but especially not for violet’s mom 

after her dad got arrested violet was uhh high key furious with him for ruining their lives with his greed and she wanted nothing to do with him, but her mom couldnt let go. she was still defending him, spending the money they had left on lawyers which included the money the family had set aside for violet’s trust fund that she would have had access to once she was 18 </3

 so her plans for college changed pretty drastically JSDBJWBDJW ( goodbye ivy league education ) she actually ended up getting into the university of toronto for visual studies on an academic scholarship 

so she made the big move all on her own....moved into a tiny dorm...and vowed to reinvent herself. she didnt wanna be labeled as the daughter of a white collar criminal anymore so she just made it a point not to talk to much abt her past to anyone 

her struggles as someone who grew up with $$$$ turning into a broke college student made for some embarrassing but funny moments <3 luckily though everyone else had their own struggles so no one found it suspicious JSBDJWBDJ

when love alarm launched three years ago, violet had just started college so it was really the Big thing anyone and everyone was talking about. since she’d never been a fan of other dating apps, she wasn’t gonna download it but her roommate at the time convinced her ! at first it was fun, just something she didnt take too seriously 

fast forward to graduation and she’s snagged a job as an art director for a little local museum, doing freelance art directing on the side to help pay the bills. low and behold one day a photographer hires her to be the art director to a shoot they’re doing for a badge club member who was in a very high profile and public relationship at the time

violet ended up working with that photographer and badge club member a handful of times, enough for her to catch fee-🤢 catch feelin-🤢 i cant even say it .. she’d never rung anyone’s love alarm before, so of course her first time had to be with someone who was already taken </3 safe to say she ... freaked out 

she was embarrassed above all else, but also heartbroken bc in her head like ... why would someone who literally is part of an exclusive club based on ppl ringing their love alarm care that she rung theirs ? she didnt think it’d be a big deal to them the way it was to her ( but also didn’t stick around long enough to find out jsxbsjbdjw ) 

when she was offered the block she didn’t hesitate to use it figuring it’s better if no one knows her romantic feelings ever again like that /: she’d delete the app but a part of her still likes knowing there are ppl out there who DO like her like that so ... Rip truly 

━  ˙ ˖  ☆     personality + tidbits !

she comes across as ... kind of a bitch SDJBJWBJWBDW it’s truly not on purpose she just has a pretty serious resting expression most of the time ( so she looks mad or annoyed even when she isn’t ) and she’s pretty difficult to get to know ? not to mention the fact that no one has ever witnessed her ring someone’s love alarm .. so all that combined just makes it easy to assume she’s some sort of ice queen when that’s far from the truth /: 

violet really isn’t one to open up too deep to people, but that’s got a lot to do with the past she’s kind of running away from ! so if you’re her friend most of the stuff you know about her is probably surface stuff, but when she’s close to someone she can make that fact hard to realize ? she just has a way with making the people in her life feel important so it’s easy not to be focused on how much you know about her 

never bothers to correct the people that misjudge her. if you don’t like her, if you want to make up assumptions and rumors about her, go ahead like violet really won’t stop you which can sometimes make meeting new people difficult </3 if you’ve seen the dating class webdrama chuu was in she’s kinda like oh seyoung’s chara joowon 🤧

if she wants to, though, she’s pretty good at getting people to like her / trust her ! she does this a lot in professional situations, which is why she’s been doing so well as an art director so far despite being so young 

she’s also very loyal to her friends ! if you can’t ask for extra sauces at mcdonald’s....if you can’t make a phone call to your credit card company explaining that a $3,000 charge to starbucks wasn’t you.....she’s your girl <3 since she’s relatively not bothered by the way people see her ( unless it has to do with her past ) she’s usually the one speaking up if someone she cares about can’t 

after the ... incident ... JSDBWJDBWJ she’s really not a fan of the badge club and everything it stands for ): BUT she continues to do art directing work for a lot of the members when they do photoshoots, or instagram campaigns, or if they have a pop up shop, etc. it’s good money and she needs every penny considering she’s living without support from her family 

cannot cook to save her life so she’s always eating out .. this really is why she’s taking those more high profile jobs she can’t budget .. but it’s better, safety wise at least, that she continues wasting her money on takeout aha <3 

pretends she’s not a romantic and is all about the ~casual flings~ but really she’s just afraid of serious feelings and the idea of a serious relationship ... it’s the trauma 😔 constantly jokes shes gonna bring the tinder whore era back JWDBWJBDJW she is sick of this true love nonsense ! ( the irony of this url ahaha... ) 

she’s the most social after a few drinks, since drunk her isn’t burdened by a mind that overthinks literally everything the way she is sober. if you don’t supervise her though she can get pretty carried away and probably get into some kind of trouble so she’s definitely not the person you want to be in charge on a night out !

really wants a dog but doesn’t think she’s cut out to be a pet parent it feels just as scary as the idea of having an actual kid so ... BDWBDJW if you have a pet ? she’s gonna be living vicariously through you <3 

━  ˙ ˖  ☆     wanted connections !

the photographer that hired her / introduced her to the badge club member she ended up having feelings for 

the badge club remember she had / has feelings for because we love suffering 😈

old roommates from college !! maybe even the one that got her to download love alarm in the first place hehehe

also a current roommate / roommates because your girl can’t afford to live on her own <3

someone she’s confided in about her past ( maybe they judged her for it and had a falling out, or maybe they remain confidants ) 

an ex bf or gf she dated while she was in school ! she never rang their love alarm ( even though this was pre block ) so maybe that’s why things ended between them. or maybe they never rang each others and it was just a mutual thing where they both didn’t really have feelings for each other and tried to date anyway and it didn’t work. or perhaps they dated and when violet realized she was starting to have those feelings she dipped before she ever got a chance to ring their love alarm bc she didn’t want to be exposed like that and commitment is scary ): 

spare best friend ? i’d use a knife emoji to show you how serious i am but i dont wanna scare anyone away aha .. i would just love a best friend plot 🥺

current flings / hookups or past flings / hookups ! i imagine most of them to not be serious but it would be kinda cool if there was someone she’s seeing now that she’s got the love alarm block that she’s actually falling for considering she’s never gonna be able to ring their love alarm hehehehe

people she art directs for !! i imagine she’s got a pretty long list of employers ( from badge club members to regular folk  🤧 ) so it would be cool to have people who hire her for stuff, or who collaborate with her for artistic endeavors since i’ve noticed we have a lot of artsy muses <3 

ummm maybe an enemy. but where it’s like .. the hate isn’t even that deep it’s just like oh you dislike me ? well i dislike you FIRST 😠 and they insult each other and try and sabotage each other like five year olds fighting on the playground like it seems super serious to them but to everyone watching it’s like ... can you guys just get over it you dumb babies KSDBSDBWD like they could probably be good friends if they just .. stopped 

and you’ve reached the end of this NOVEL of an intro post JDBJWBDJWBDW im literally so sorry i tried not to ramble but ..... its just who i am </3 please come shoot me a message to plot !!! you can use tumblr ims but im way more available / quicker to respond on discord so if u wanna add me there and plot u can find me at junhee mr. soft hands ʕ´• ᴥ•̥`ʔ#8172  i also did not check this post for typos so if u find one ... mind ur business 😭😭😭 

[tempestshakes01]

happy and anxious. 

happy because i love my apartment and i love Lil Cup of Joe. he is a terror and the sweetest boy ever, and i feel so much love for him. this is why i can’t be around an animal for an extended period of time. i will die for any creature i get attached to and lil joe is now my baby. 

but i am anxious because i put of working when my brother brought home a puppy. he didn’t ask me to, but he’s an idiot who’s never home and bought a puppy to make him come home. i gave him 3 days and when his habits didn’t change, joe was being left alone and untrained, and i needed a running buddy--well, i took over. joe’s now potty-trained and knows a few (one) command. i take him everywhere to socialize him. he’s mine. but i’ll never say that to nick. who still needs to go therapy. i don’t know him. i don’t know what goes on in that head of his. it’s like we switched personalities in our 20s. i went from the quiet, serious type to basically a manic 13 yr old boy. he went from a wildly charismatic clown to a brooding hipster. what makes him laugh? what is he thinking? what is he passionate about? how does he talk to other ppl for hours but he can barely speak to his family for more than half of one? what did we do?

i got really angry the other night thinking about the fights i’ve had with my parents this past year. 

1) washington d.c. - mom and i got into to it in front of the fuckin white house at dusk. i was so emotional and upset at being there, right there where trump fucks over our country, and my mom was being...well, the woman fox news molded. i was furious and trying to keep it nice, so i asked if we could just stop. stop talking. i was gonna blow up. and my mom was like, “why do we stop when you say stop, but when i ask to stop, you continue?” which...is it true? i didn’t think so, and because i can’t keep my mouth shut, i argued until i walked away. i walked into the crowds and then i kept walking. i kept walking. i kept walking.  

it was terrible. i texted her “i’m gone” and i left. 

i forgot the details but i wandered that area of d.c. got a coffee. tried not to cry. and then...remembered how much trouble my mom’s phone was giving her, that her gps apps weren’t being accurate, that she wasn’t confident at the metro, and that it was now dark. that she was alone in an unfamiliar city with a camera bag strapped to her screaming “i’m a tourist!” 

i felt like utter and complete shit. it was one of the most despicable things i’ve ever done. later, i told some people and they were like “she’s a grown woman! you were both upset!” but no. i can’t make excuses like that. i knew that my mom was scared. i burst into tears. a crazy sobbing girl in the middle of d.c. i immediately texted her and told her to get back to me when she got to the hotel. 

an hour later, back at the hotel, my mom couldn’t even look at me. couldn’t speak to me. i knew i had to apologize and i did, wording it carefully because i walking on a minefield. i again blocked out most of the conversation, but it quickly dissolved into a mess of confessions. i was wrecked. at first because of what happened, but as our conversation turned into an argument, i became furious again. over how she interpreted some of our interactions. over how i “blamed” her for my anxiety and anger. i told her i got my anger from her. that i was slow to it like my father, but when something lit inside me it burned bright and hot and deadly like her. that her grudges and cold shoulders hurt me so, so badly when i was a kid (which she then explained wasn’t a grudge, just her processing her anger...but that was way, way into the night). oh god, it was so bad. so bad. she confessed how she felt about all us kids. told me about her problems with andi and nick. told me she wanted to move away from us. told me she didn’t want a relationship with me or them if it was going to be like this. 

i didn’t sleep. just cried and cried. like i did when i was a kid. sobbed in the bathroom and then under my covers. we barely talked the next day, but it slowly became okay. i didn’t know how to explain how much i loved her, so i tried to show her.      

in the end, we were ok enough. 

2) driving 30 hrs across the country - my dad and i were talking and he told me how he didn’t get us, and that we were hurting mom by rejecting her or something. he was upset and my dad doesn’t get upset, so i got upset and moody. and he was like “why are you like this? just with me? just with us. you’re so cruel.” and i knew it was true but it still took me an hour to snap out of it. and i apologized. 

--

but i feel sometimes angry bc i got the emo dump from both my parents. about both my siblings! and they don’t even talk to them about it! my parents don’t even touch nick anymore! they leave him alone because it’s easier that way and he wouldn’t listen even if they tried to talk to him! and my sister would get super huffy and feel judged and act out in some way and take the kids! so. i get it but i hate it!!! because i got the feelings dump! i got the tears and the hours of psychoanalyzing why we are the way we are! and i hate that i feel burdened by it sometimes?

 i want to be there for my parents but sometimes i’m that petulant child that still wants a mommy and daddy, not two parents who are human and exist with their own emotional life. and that’s so unfair to them and wrong of me, but i feel that way because i’m the child that gets this brunt of this side of them.  

but it’s because in my own way im the most difficult and this shit spills out when i push them. 

--

my parents (mostly mom) are only getting more set in their ways and defensive of their opinions. my mom...my mom who taught me so much about art and the world and appreciating different cultures and music and lived life with such vigor and wonder...i can see that fading and hardening. she’s stubborn about what she like and doesn’t have much interest in anything new. she’s offended and hurt when i gently bring up her how she used to be. 

my dad’s always been this way. very traditional, but kind. spoiled, but hardworking. likes what he likes. but he’s eating more greens. he’ll try what i make because i made it. we listened to latino usa and old radio lab podcasts that whole drive from wa to tx, and he loved it, and we discussed the episodes. and i loved him so much because he gave them a shot and we connected. 

but my mom. my mom. i miss her and she’s right there, but she’s not. and i know i’m part of the reason she’s retreated into herself and her more ‘sturdy’ beliefs and the friends who share them. she’s so quick to judge and harsh about it these days. is it age? is it us? is it this horrible world?

--

i came home to this. i came home and how quickly people change bc i didn’t expect my mom to be so old. in spirit. she’s tired. she doesn’t trust me. we’re working on being gentle. i’m working on not being so quick to anger.

my dad and i...i’m thrilled we’re getting along so well after i treated him like shit during the ~separation years~ between my parents. i was awful to him and he knew why, but he never called me out on it. 

my sis and i are fine. i’m so relieved she got out of that last relationship with that TERRIBLE PERSON and came to her senses, and somewhat grew up. we kick it. she cooks for me. we don’t completely jive cause she’s hood, but can code-switch between worlds, and i’m suburban through and through, so i’m not as cool or smooth as she is. i’m her dorky weird little sister and i appreciate her love for me. 

my brother? a mystery. a complete mystery. 

and i’m reminded of how he called me on my birthday and started weeping and asking about therapy and saying he’s sorry he never believed in my anxiety because it’s true--you don’t ask for, you don’t know why it appears, and it wrecks you. and he deals with it now for no discernible reason and he sounded so, so broken over the phone that i was shaking and crying when we hung up.

but now he’s as chill as ever and takes minimal care of his puppy because the 1st dog he got was pretty hands-off from the jump, but she was grown and pooed and peeded everywhere for months (he says no, but that’s selective memory), so now lil joe is mine and i need to get a job because the lack of structure is killlllllllllllllingggggg me. but i don’t want to leave lil joe :( 

--

it’s funny how i never set out to write all this shit, but it comes spilling out. 

huh. wait.

i left and i worked on myself but then i missed my family.

did i come back to work on the family? to work on my relationship with them? is that my purpose here and why i felt compelled to return?

--

went climbing with GA. i was totally afraid of falling and bouldering isn’t as fun to me as top rope, but i wanna keep at it. 

trying to set something up with B and A. my buds. i love em. 

gotta set something up with L because I have a feeling we’ll be good friends here. and weirdly, BG contacted me even though I haven’t talked to him since college? and even then we weren’t that close. he was just inching toward asking me out and never managed it.

--

fav emmy looks: zendaya (obviously. omg, whatta babe), maisie williams (whatta look, suits her perfectly, killed it), gwen christie (whatta jesus babe), that girl in the billowing mint green dress, anddddd clea duvall (a babe in a tux). 

vm continue to make me sad and hopefully things go well with tour for them. it’s nice to see them getting along with charlie and tanith. with bby charlie and tati and max’s kid coming along...oh boy for scott’s emotions. he’s gonna ignore the HELL out of those sad feeling for what couldvebeen with tess and he’s gonna plan hard for his and j’s future offspring instead. (can i also predict that i think one thing scott’s gonna have trouble with in his marriage--oddly enough--is keeping the marriage a partnership and not bulldozing over his spouse with his wants and needs ...wait, that’s not odd lol) 

--

anyway, gotta take joe out to pee. gotta get to bed soon because i wanna be on the trails by 7am and then maybe to the climbing gym. this face maybe a potato but my body can improve! (i’m thicc at the moment thanks to texas food 🤧) 

[xstarox]

Long post

2017-2018 was really a bad year (except when i met my sunshine aka my bebi so)

So, first few months of 2015 my first love left me cuz he wanted to pursue his career by being a pilot so thats what he chose and i fully understand even though it really hurts cuz we had so many plans like LOT of plans, man. Those were the days when i don’t even overthink about him leaving me or something because we were really happy and everythings perfect. My parents loved him so much. His parents loved me so much. We were in ONE like ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY. Good times. I never regret letting him in my life because at one point he was the reason why i was really happy and enjoying those little things and just living in those moment where just seeing him makes me complete and he was so perfect and he was always there for me like even after the break up, he always checks up on me but he got busy and all and so am i so that’s just it but he still wanna see me when i go back in the philippines cuz we’re still friends and that’s good. Good times from 2014-2016

So after dating my “first love” till 2017, I met this guy, who became my ex-fiance, so here’s why “EX-fiance” I think i never really loved him. I just wanted someone to be there for me that’s why i said “yes” because i was really sad when my “first love” left me. It really breaks my heart using someone. I know it’s such a bad thing but what can i do? I was really broken. Yeah, shitty reason cuz i broke my “ex-fiance’s” heart too by cheating on him. lotta times. I wasn’t really myself i guess. I was so demanding. I feel like i’m not gonna meet someone like “my first” love and it scares me a lot. I did lotta shit. I tried to make it up to him but it doesn’t really work out so he cheated on me too. So same shit now right? I think thats when i realized that i had to leave the philippines so i can find myself. you know? Cuz i wasn’t really myself before. Like it wasn’t me at all. I asked myself like why would i use someone who just wants the best for me? So i tried to changed but shit happens. He cheated again and i didn’t really care at all. I feel like my heart went from being soft to solid rock. I would scream at him and cuss the shit outta him and just say that i don’t care anymore cuz i wanted him to realized that he should just leave. Been together for a year but it was all pretending and all fightings and shit. There’s no love at all. Even my parents doesn’t really like the fact that he keeps calling them when i don’t answer my phone when i don’t wanna talk to him. It was ALL TOXIC. Thats the point where i don’t even planning on going back in the philippines. I just wanted to be alone for a while cuz it was too much. He made me overthink and i broke him. I ruined him and we never really had a “closure” but if one time he checks up this blog, just want to let you know that i’m sorry for ruining you and i forgive you too for doing such things.

So, next guy? Hmm, i never thought i’d still talk about him though but here we go, So..He was like the second guy i really fell in love with like so hard, man. I met him on this dating app (pls dont judge me haha) first time we talked there’s a clicked, you know? He wanted to get coffee and meet up and i couldn’t meet him that day cuz my sister will kill me hahah but after i think a week of talking? we met cuz i asked him if he knows this place and he was the one who offered me to drop me off ((it was my interview haha)) and then i waited for him that day. Damn. Love at first sight was real huh? It was so fucking real. I couldn’t even look at him when were talking. I didn’t even shake his hands or hug him cuz i was so shy. He was so attractive. He was so nice. He was amazing, man. He was like the definition of perfection so long-story-short. we dated. we were really happy. things are good even though sometimes we fought a lot cuz he keeps overthinking about stuff (family, me, my family, him, everything) i tried to helped him though. Stayed up all night for him so he won’t feel that he’s alone cuz i know how he felt before that he was alone and that no one was there for him but then there’s me. I tried to gave him my all. I tried to be there for him even though every damn day he was pushing me away. I remember him saying goodbye straight to my face. we were in the car. outside my house. I was like crying so fucking hard. I was thinking that moment that “i cant lose him. i cant. not him.” He became my world even just for a while. My family knows him. My nephew and niece loved him. He was like a part of the family. yeah? But shit happens. He left. I felt that moment that i lost every fucking thing. I lost my other half. I lost my best friend. I lost him. I lost everything. Oh man. He left because his parents found out about me cuz apparently he couldn’t date anyone. Fix marriage ya know? Thats their thing. He told me that at first but i thought i could change that but i couldn’t and that hurts. I know how hurts he was too. It wasn’t easy i know. we were really in love. so in love. I tried to force myself into him even though he doesn’t want me in his life cuz he told me he can’t meet me anymore. he can’t be with me anymore. I always leave message for him when i’m drunk like “i hope ur happy and i love you so much and i miss you” but after few months i found out that he found another girl and thats when i realized that i have to just let it go. That i have to let go of the person who i thought i knew. Even though he said that he’d choose me over anyone else that ain’t the truth. Maybe people lie so they could make us feel that theres hope even though there isn’t and that’s okay because in the end you’ll knOw your worth and you’ll thank them for doing such things. I will never hate you. You know i never would. Thank you for the happiness, sadness, heartaches, overthinking and all. You changed me and i hope i made an impact in your life.

So enough with the heart aches, let’s talk about happiness now.

Ah man, I never thought i’d be so happy now. I’m really thankful that i met my boyfriend, he’s like the best thing ever. Since day 1. Since day 1 he was there for me. From being this so sad girl to this annoying kulit girl who talks a lot and annoy him a lot. He changed me you know? I know theres still times that i overthink but it doesn’t mean na i’m gonna be like that forever but i’m thankful because you’ve been helping me to get through this baby. You’ve been supporting me, You’ve been very understanding, You’ve been really nice and you’re so amazing. You’re so perfect. I’m so thankful for you. Everyday you always checks up on me if i’m okay or not and you’d always call me or suprise me and just be there for me. Every time that we’re together it’s always happy and it’s enough and you’re enough and i thank god that he gave me the best gift ever which is you. I got to love by the most amazing person. You’re such an angel, baby and i love you so much. Thank you for always putting me first. You know you can always count on me like i count on you, right? My fams really happy that i’m happy now because of you. You helped me a lot, babe. You helped me so much and i’d be forever thankful for that. I know sometimes theres arguments but it doesn’t mean na i’ll give up because i promised na no matter what happens, i’ll be here. and i will love you. You’re my bestfriend, my sunshine, my bebi, my love-love, my everything. You’re such a blessing and i’m really happy baby and don’t worry you’ll never lose me. I got you, You got me. we got this, okay? me and you and everything. Im not gonna love anyone like i love you. I love you so much and thank you for everything you’ve done for me. You changed me for the better, babe. I’m thankful for everything. I love you

[bigbrothereclipse]

EPISODE 1 -  “I’M KINDA MAD I DIDN’T GET HOH, BUT I’LL GET IT NEXT TIME FOR SURE.” - ASHLYN

HOH - ELIJAH

POV - FROSBY

EVICTED - ASHLYN / 13-2

FROSBY - https://youtu.be/3J7_Nd8O57M

SARAH G - https://youtu.be/m-nPTenfhdM

JULS - https://youtu.be/U2RI53y6qgI

ELIJAH - https://youtu.be/IeEiggUn3f4

BROOKE

Night 1 is done and I just want to express my thoughts on my fellow housemates. 

Ashlyn- I’ve reached out to her and got two words back and now no response so I’m not quite sure what to think of her. I’m not sure if it’s just me or if she’s gonna be the ‘Chloe’ of the season, which is not a bad thing, just a bit more difficult.

Bob- We go wayyyy back. I’ve played with him in like January and completely got fooled by him. I’m definitely going to be cautious of him but also try to align myself with him. On top of all that, I got best rivalry with his brother, Joe last season. 

Cheatham- I’ve had a good conversation with him and would love to align with him.

Elijah- We’ve bonded a lot by being in the latest timezone (in America at least) and he’s even mentioned meeting in person since he’s only like a 6 hour drive from me. I can see Elijah becoming my ride or die and I definitely do feel like I could trust him. 

Frosby- OMG FROSBY IS BACK TOO! We tried to work together last season, but it failed when we both found ourselves on the block on Drew’s HoH. Frosby was quick to use screenshots against me, so I will definitely be cautious knowing that about him.

Gabe- Gabe was the first one to ask me about my daughter. I definitely see him becoming an ally and a friend outside this game. He was asking me questions about Saphire’s father, therefore probably knows the most about me on a personal level. 

Gigi- I’ve talked to her a little bit. I know I’m not supposed to judge people by their photos but she looks like someone who wouldn’t even hurt a fly. I feel like she will surprise me as I am not painting her as big of a threat as I probably should. 

Indigo- I talked to them a little bit as well. We bonded over being lazy and loving to sing, but I don’t really see any potential in the long run. 

Jacob- He seems nice. I’ve talked to him a little bit, but definitely need to talk to him more to get a full read. 

Jordyn- I’ve reached out to her and have yet to get a response.

Juls- I played with Juls once before but that season didn’t go well for me. I would love to get to know her more. 

Mackenzie- Okay, I know this is the same Mackenzie that took over my HoH in another game and I’m still a little unhappy about that. (I hold grudges, what can I say). Anyways, she thinks I forgave her but I will stab her in the back the first chance I get. 

Nick- I haven’t talked to Nick enough to get an opinion on him, but my gut is telling me he could potentially be a backstabber.

Rodney- We talked about BB22 a little bit and bonded over that, not enough of a bond to make me want to work with him though. 

Roxy- I’ve talked to Roxy a bit but don’t see them as an ally.

Sarah G- Omg where do I even start with Sarah G? Okay well she harassed and threatened me in the black hole last season (as a punishment). I still get PTSD from pings. I told her I don’t hate her, and that is true but I will NOT work with her unless my life depends on it. I will make it my goal to get her out ASAP. 

Wren- I’ve talked to Wren a little bit and she seems like such a sweetheart. Definitely someone I might be willing to work with. 

Right now, my thoughts are to form a 6 person alliance with 3 solars (Frosby, Bob, and Elijah) and 3 lunars (Gabe, Cheatham, and myself). Frosby and I agreed to meet up again after assessing the cast and we’ll go from there. With this twist in place, I think having 3 from each group would be a good idea. 

ASHLYN

Elijah and I haven’t had much of a conversation, im going to continue trying to stay under the radar and let Elijah make enemies of his own. I won’t attempt to ally with him, for fear of being seen as a suck up- I’ll just try to be kind to him and pose not as much of a threat. My bet is he will nominate the other two highest scores, either that or someone he particularly dislikes. I’m kinda mad I didn’t get HoH, but I’ll get it next time for sure.

GIGI

So the HOH came down to Gabe and Elijah. Before it was announced, I was lowkey praying for Elijah to win over Gabe just because I have connected more to Elijah than I have with Gabe. He and I talked a little bit last night but I feel like that wouldn’t have been enough if he were to win. I’m hoping I’m good with Elijah because he seems really chill and he’s definitely someone I’d want to work with moving forward. I’m kinda hoping he nominates people from the other side because I do believe that team has more threats (just based off of first impressions). 

As far as who I’ve been connecting with, I have basically talked to everyone on the cast with the exception of a few, but I’d say I’m more connected to Rodney and Roxy. Rodney and I have a little secret that no one else needs to know 😏 and that’s that we know each other! I met Rodney through a game we’re currently playing (OBB) and he’s been my number 1 ally in that game since week 1. We’ve become so close that we were talking about wanting to play another game together. He’s the one that actually sent me the app to this game so if it weren’t for Rodney I would not be here rn. He is 100% my number one ally in this game. And I want to make it far with him. But with this twist, it makes me so scared because we are on the same team and whoever wins hoh has the possibility of having to nominate from their own team. I hope he and I can survive and make it very far in this game together. Anyways I’m pretty sure like half of this cast knows each other and have some sort of pre deals going on anyways so I don’t feel bad. 🤪 I just don’t want to openly make it seem like we know each other so we don’t become targets, so RODNEY WHO??? Haha jk. They better not come for him or come for me bc it’s gonna go downnn😈. (Lmao)

With Roxy, it’s so easy to carry a conversation with and I feel like me and her are similar in a lot of ways so we kinda have gravitated towards each other. 

I’m hoping to make more connections obviously as the game progresses. 

The twist: 

The twist is pretty cute ngl but it can fuck up my game 😫😫 which I don’t like. The fact that my own teammate can nominate me just doesn’t sit right with my spirit. I’m hoping I can avoid the block but we will see. 🥰 I’m so curious to know who Elijah is gonna nominate. Gonna try to find out where his head is at. 

Anyways that’s all for now, sorry for writing so much <3

WREN

so.. i’m not very close to eli.. but we talked abt trees!! idk how promising that is. i’m trying to hang low, but i might’ve screwed up. what if people target me because they think i’m just a waste of space? i have to win the next comp that comes around.. or i need to get some “special power”.. either way, i have to get out of the shadows if i want people to see me as a game player.

BOB

I don't really mind Elijah winning, but at the same time, I haven't connected to him all that much so far so maybe I'm at risk. Who really knows? However, I have made my immediate connections with Frosby and Brooke that give me allies on both sides of the house immediately. Frosby is wary of Brooke, but that's dumb to worry about this early---everyone will want to stay safe. I get on super well with Rodney as well, loveeee talking BB with him so much. I'm trying to mend fences with Mackenzie, just don't have the energy for it lol. As far as the twist is concerned, I like the idea of it and I feel like it's not an overarching twist that will take away from gameplay so I see it like this: normal weeks as an option is great, but every other week it probably benefits me more to work with the other side. If you are going on the block by your own side, then you need the other side's votes. If you are going up at their hands, then you need to have good bonds with them. If they are getting nominated by either side, who friggin cares because it won't be me! I guess there are some benefits to maintaining relationships on my own side, but strategically, you cover more bases by cozying up to them.

WREN

so eli wants to make me a pawn against jordyn.. and that slightly worries me. she’s extremely inactive, so maybe i wouldn’t be kicked off. but everyone knows pawns go home a TON. i don’t know how i feel about it.. but if it wins me an one on one alliance.. it’s worth it. especially such a strong player. this can backfire or help me a ton.