#im scared and im gonna be sobbing im not ready THREE MONTHS IS NOT ENOUGH and yet way too far away

[jackwhiteprophetic]

[teddy06writes]

Take Me Back To The Night We Met

Dallas Winston x Johnny Cade x Reader

trigger warnings: character death, swearing, yelling, ANGST

premise: based on the song The Night We Met by Lord Huron. The rumbles been finished, the socs officially driven out, but Johnny's still dying, and Dally might not be able to handle that. Oh god, why can't you just go back to the night you met

Italics- memories

{not me making the first proper poly outsiders story really angsty. Sorry not sorry but I heard the song and- this happened}

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"We did it! The socs are gone!" The loud cheers of the greasers filled your ears.

You grinned, laughing along with the others until you found Dallas tugging at your arm, when you turned to see his expression your face fell, "What's wrong?"

"Johnny- gettin worse-"

As soon as your partner choked out the words you began to panic, "Is he okay?"

"I don't know for how much longer... We gotta go see him-"

You nodded, "Lets- lets go then- we gotta-"

"He- Ponyboy-" He was quickly running off, dragging the boy off the ground and explaining as you ran up to the street, where you could see Buck's beat up t-bird parked.

"Hurry up! Hurry up!" You could hear Dally urging him along.

"I'm going!" Ponyboy hissed, quickly skirting around you and jumping into the back.

You quickly got in, and as soon as Dallas got the car started you were shooting off down the road.

The tension in the car was thick, anxiety rolling off all three of you in waves.

It was a few months ago and You'd just gotten out of work, and normally Johnny and Dallas would be on the corner waiting for you, but they hadn't been there. Somehow, you knew something was wrong.

By the time you'd made it to the lot, most of the gang was there. Steve met you up by the road, '(y/n) don't go down there- you- you aren't gonna like it'

That was what had gotten you in a panic, 'steve whats going on?'

'it's- it's- Johnny-'

Immediately you were pushing past him, running down into the lot, even as both Steve and Soda tried to stop you.

When you'd finally pushed through them, you'd found Johnny, beaten and bloody, face buried in Dally's jacket, still sobbing.

'oh- god Johnny...'

With Dally's speeding it was only a matter of time before a cop was pulling the car over, and you glanced back at Ponyboy, "Look sick- I will too- Dal say your taking us to the hospital, it's true enough."

He nodded, and the cop knocked on the window, leaning over as Dallas lowered it, "Good evening Officer-"

"Alright Bud, where's the fire?"

"The uh- the kid-" Dally gestured back to where Ponyboy was slumped in the back, "Fell over on 'is motorcycle- nearly took out the babe, I'm takin 'em to the hospital."

The man frowned, "Are they real bad? Could you use an escort?"

"Do I look like a doc to you?" He snapped, "Yeah we could use an escort."

The officer seemed to hear the panic in his voice as he nodded, heading back to his car. Dallas continued to tap his fingers on the wheel anxiously, "Come on, come on."

You bit your lip, "God Dal why'd we end up in this mess- Johnny's-"

"I knew I was wrong. I knew I was fucking wrong," He muttered, pulling out behind the cop, "I was just trying to protect you guys- you know? Figured there's only room for one person hard like me in a relationship- you know? That way you two would at least be okay and look what fucking came from it!"

You took a shaky breath as he slapped the wheel, "Dal..."

"You know if I hadn't tried to keep you and him from ending up like me he wouldn't be in this mess! If he'd been smart like me he wouldn'ta ran into that church and you wouldn't have followed him! That's what you get for helping people- isn't it? A couple editorials in the paper and a whole lotta hurt!"

He stopped, glancing back at Ponyboy, "You better wise up kid- you get tough like me and you don't get hurt! You get tough and no one can touch you!"

Ponyboy only groaned in response.

Dallas sighed, turning to look at you, "God (y/n) I don't know- what are we gonna do if we-"

"He's going to be fine Dal!" You snapped.

"You don't know that!"

You shook your head, "He's gonna be fine because I don't want to think about what will happen if he isn't!"

It was only a month or so after Dallas, Dallas of all people, put what the three of you were thinking into words.

You'd decided to take a trip down to Texas, there was no real reason, but still, the three of you had piled into Buck Merril's t-bird, racing down back roads and pulling off into fields at night.

Johnny had fallen asleep in the back just after sunset, and you could still feel the cool glass behind your head, 'god dal, aren't you tired yet? maybe we should pull off now...'

'I was thinking we get a motel somewhere.' he yawned.

'where are we gonna find a motel at? I'm about ready to fall asleep as it is...'

He chuckled, 'don't worry about it Doll... hell climb back with Johnny, I'll wake you up when we get to town.'

Soon you were pulling up outside the hospital, hurrying to get Pony out of the car as Dallas thanked the cop. As soon as the man was gone Dally was grabbed your hand and pulling you to hurry through the building, "Come on, come on!"

It seemed to take only the blink of an eye to get to Johnny's room, and you only half seemed to register the doctors words, "I'm sorry- he's dying."

"We gotta see 'im," Dallas glared at the man, "We've got to see him!"

"Please-" You half choked on the room, trying to look around him into the room.

With a sigh, he stepped to the side, "Go on-"

In an instant you were rushing to Johnny's side, "Johnny..."

You could feel Dallas behind you, "Johnnycake?"

"Heya (y/n)- Dal..." Johnny tried to pull a weak smile as he looked up at you.

"We won-" Dallas reached out, grabbing his hand, "We beat the socs- chased 'em right out of your territory."

"Fighting's no good.... useless...." Johnny half sighed.

You took a shaky breath, "There still writing those editorials- talkin about you, calling you a hero-- I'm proud of you baby-- we both are."

Dallas nodded, and Johnny's head half tipped back in a grin, "You'll be okay... I love you..."

"Johnny--" Dallas half choked.

Ponyboy elbowed past both of you, "He's my best friend--"

Your eyes were half clouded with tears as you stepped back, little moments filling your memory.

It was the state fair, and you were with them.

'come on Dal- your not scared of the ferris wheel are you?' Johnny half taunted.

you grinned, 'you've gotta go on- for us'

'i hate both of you'

Johnny mumbled something to Ponyboy, and then suddenly the room wasn't the same anymore. Almost as if someone had left. You didn't need to look back at the bed to know.

It was a late night, months ago

'(y/n)... (y/n).... (y/n)....'

'what dal?'

'johnnycakes is complaing about wanting cuddles'

Johnny scoffed, 'uh, excuse me, but that is entirely you, Dal.'

you chuckled 'i'll be there in a second'

He was gone.

You could hear Ponyboy's breath hitch, and, with shaky hands you reached forward, pushing hair out of Johnny's face, "Never could keep that hair of yours back could you baby?"

Dallas let out a noise that felt too close to a sob, "that's what you get for trying to help people Jonnycakes- that's what you get."

The lump in your throat couldn’t be pushed back anymore and you choked on a sob, tears falling from your eyes as you turned to Dallas only to see he wasn’t there.

He'd already whirled away from Johnny's bed, banging a fist against the wall, "Damn it Johnny! Oh god Johnny no..."

Dallas was gone down the hall before you could blink.

In a haze, you found yourself following Ponyboy through the hospital, being handed a jacket it took you a beat to long to remember was Johnny's.

Slowly you slid it on, almost instantly dragged back in memory again.

It was been late.

You hadn't planned on going out, but when you saw the light out in the lot you had to check it out. You'd found Johnny and Dally, sitting around a small fire they'd made.

'what are you doing out here?' you asked, sitting down.

Johnny shrugged, 'better than home.'

'beats rotting there.' Dallas nodded.

You had sat in silence for a few minutes before you sighed, rubbing at your arms, "awfully cold out here.'

'here' Johnny shrugged off his jacket, dropping it around your shoulders.

You were grateful for the jacket, but it didn't feel right. God all you wanted to do was go back, back to before all of this.

Somehow Ponyboy led you out of the hospital, and by some miracle you made it back to the Curtis house.

Soda opened the door, frowning, "What's wrong? Where have you two been?"

Ponyboy took a shaky breath, "Johnny's dead... Dallas- he left- (y/n)... I don't think they..."

Soda was already pulling you inside, and pushing you to sit down as Pony explained to everyone else.

"What do you mean Dallas is gone?" Darrel asked.

"He ran out," Your own voice surprised you, "Before it was the three of us it was just him and Johnny- he doesn't know how to live without him-"

"So even Dally has a breaking point." Two-Bit muttered.

Distantly, you heard a phone ring.

It has been a date night- ‘god (y/n) why you takin so long?'

'don't rush 'em Johnnycakes, gotta fix that pretty face of theirs'

'Johnny's being pushy? that's something I wouldn't think I'd see.' you chuckled, coming out of the bathroom.

'well the movies gonna start!'

Darry was talking to the group, "That was Dally- the cops are after him, we gotta meet 'im at the lot-"

Before the words were out of his mouth you were up and running, you couldn't get back to Johnny but you could still get back to Dallas.

It was midday, and you were wandering down the Tulsa streets

'Dal slow down! We don't walk as fast as you!' Johnny called.

He laughed, 'i bet if you tried you could keep up shortstack'

'i'm not short!' you protested.

'well then keep up!'

Down the street, toward the lot, faster, faster faster, you urged yourself. You can't loose him too.

it was early, you were sitting out on the porch with Johnny, watching the rain. Dallas had come out of somewhere, running and breathing hard, 'you got room for one more?'

You could almost see the lot, it was just out of view, you had to hurry, had to hurry to get back-

It was lunch time and you were at the diner with the gang, wedged into a seat between Johnny and Dallas, laughing.

The glow of the street light filled your vison now.

It was dark and you and Dallas hurried through the street, calling out for Johnny.

'i'm here! I'm here!' he called.

You threw your arms around him, 'you scared me!'

Dallas chuckled, 'both of us.'

Dallas was sprinting down the street glancing back every now and again, distantly you could see flashing lights behind him.

It was Autumn and you were back at the fair in the chilly night. Lights were flashing, people were laughing and you were with your boys.

Dallas was reaching back, into his waistband, grabbing something as police cars came to a halt.

It was spring, and day trips were frequent, but this was the first with just you, Dallas and Johnny. You'd found a lake, and now the three of you were spending a day by it's side.

Dallas was raising the gun, but so were the police officers, distantly you wondered if one of them was the same that had given you the escort.

It was years ago, and you had met Sodapop in class.

Shots were being fired, and you could distantly hear yourself yelling, he was falling, falling falling.

It was years ago and Sodapop was inviting you to meet his friends. It was years ago and a boy with big brown eyes was smiling at you from across the lunch table, turning to the sharp nosed blond next to him, who leaned across the table to tell a joke.

Dallas was on the ground, and as the gang who at some point caught up to you were screaming at the officers who'd put him there.

You crumpled to the ground. No, not him. Not Johnny. Not the both of them.

"Oh god take me back!" You were yelling, sobbing, as they were trying to take him away, "Take me back to when we first met! Maybe we won't fuck it up this time!"

But Soda was pulling you back, even as you promised, "I wouldn't let you fuck it up this time- just take me back!"

[i8jisoo]

𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐘 𝐊𝐈𝐃𝐒 ⇉ skz with pregnant!reader

felix x reader | part six of dad!skz

↬ genre; fluff

↬ warnings; pregnancy, slight relation to sex, birth

↬ notes; this took so long lmfao i just had it sitting but i’m finishing up seungmin rnnn 🤓 i’ve been doing requests whew i just have EVERYTHING coming at once

u guys r really surprised 

u two had been in a relationship for four years now so this was inevitable as u two were putting off the pressure of marriage for awhile now

“woah, i’m gonna be a dad!! does this mean u have to call me daddy now?”

0_0

u r s e n s i t i v e

felix first notices this when he gives u a kiss in the morning n ur crying like two seconds after

:((

“why are you crying??!”

“you just leave so early and i miss you!!”

felix skips the day, not rly caring he just wants to cuddle u 🥺

speaking of cuddling u two r so cuddly together now

u guys just cant get enough of each other

ur at practice less often just bc of media and he thinks the house is safer for u

so the boys come over a ton more to the dorm just bc they wanna see u and spend time with u

he is so cute, whenever he sees you he’ll instantly be on his knees to kiss your baby bump and leave u with a light kiss on ur lips

u guys go to ur scan at the beginning of the second trimester

its hush hush and ofc felix has u with the best doctor hes heard of 

his hands are clammy asf, hes smiling and so dazed while he stares at the ultrasound

“look at that!! baby a and baby b!!”

felix is like, 

“oh im gonna pass out”

now he gets these corny ass JOKES like

“wow lix has really GOOD swimmers!!!”

“felix knows his way around the bedroom!!!!!!!!”

poor baby jeongin :( they are POLLUTING HIS MIND

he doesnt but this boy is scared shitless now, two babies?? thats a lot to handle

he likes to shop, a lot. 

for some reason everything is dog themed, puppies on everything and he’ll come home with bags of baby stuff everyday

lix is just so in love with your body

sweaters, t-shirts, hoodies, anything he owns, he 100% wants you to wear it

he might be a little excited at the thought of u in his clothes, it was usual but now u pregnant, he was a little MORE excited

abnormally this guy worships your body 100% 

he loves how easily you can just unravel, to the point of tears and have u begging for him to stop

ok lemme not ill start writing shit type smut anyways chile yes lix loves u A LOT in and out of the bedroom

mmm he’ll always be brainstorming names

aeygo for the babies 🥺

tons of kisses he has plenty to go around

he acquires a new skill called cooking 😣

ur his new favorite taste tester

he’ll read books for them both

tons of research on expecting twins and what to do

“hey, okay.. so i bought a pregnancy pillow, and like, i wanna use it?”

felix has this smirk, holding the huge pillow that is supposed to be a maternity one, but he much prefers himself using it as a regular pillow

he actually goes public with this, knowing that the fans adored u after being his girlfriend for so long nd u soon became a favorite for them

some shit like ‘stays meet your new members’ 😣

this guy has a knack for painting, his newest canvas is your large baby bump, doodling little flowers n hearts or animals on it, sometimes painting characters on it or whatever it may be

u two have this rly cute vlive together which consists of him painting ur baby bump, plenty of fun while he asked stays to tell him what to draw on ur bump :v

“ooh!! a ladybug!!”

he posts the finished project in nice high quality on their official instagram, showing off the many things he had painted

the dreaded bed rest comes into play

u are now nearing seven months, which meant that u should be experiencing labor or maybe labor pains soon

he takes his paternal leave, now indulging in ice-cream and gummy bears with u, rather than working out and drinking nasty smoothies

guess who has that sympathy weight 

(jk he just uses it as an excuse so he can just give up on his diet)

sleep all day

sleep all night

u two are honestly so tired for WHATEVER reason

lix is there to be a cuddle bug, pulling ur back close to his body, ur legs entwined and his hand on top of ur own that was on ur bump

its rly cute just try and picture it for a moment

u guys r trying everything to hurry and get to the end of this seemingly forever pregnancy

he’ll def buy two yoga balls instead of just one for u and he’ll bounce on them with u

who cares ab trying to hurry up y’all are having so much fun regardless of the fact u have to pee every ten minutes

u both forget the thought of it and just go with the flow

making a deal to go with the names for whomever u claimed aka baby a or baby b

i see ur guys timing to be during the summer so its miserable in ur house

its hot n stuffy

u two r just lounging n u both have popsicles, then ur just like

“oh! oh.”

it was a steady gush of fluid between ur legs and that was when the nervousness set in

u two just look at each-other in shock

“oh! we’re having a baby- um.. wow!”

he is abnormally good at keeping calm, helping u keep ur breathing steady and getting everything together 

felix is a pro.

u guys r kinda chilling in the parking lot just quiet and sort of nervous that the next time ur walking out of there you both will have not one, but two babies

“i don’t know if i’m ready yet.”

felix groans, grabbing ur hand

“ur right, ur more than ready. look at us!! parents of two in at least the next twenty-four hours!!” 

his hands r around u in a second to help u up and there to help u walk in

u two honestly decide to play games on ur phone to kill time

felix crawls into ur bed, seeing as how u looked extremely lonely, letting his arms and legs wrap around u n he’s just playing with ur hair

its honestly adorable

u two are really tired for whatever reason, falling asleep like this before u would be consumed in the late nights of being parents

these nurses wake u both up and are just like

“let’s see if we’re ready to meet ur babies!!”

felix is kinda scared but nonetheless he’ll grab ur hand and hold onto it with a smile

10cm woo!

if he wasn’t hyping u up before he is hyping u up right now

ur somewhat laughing and crying while in pain

yall r so weird

felix is there to wipe ur face with the wet cloth, or to give u a sip of water, rly whatever u need he is on it

poor baby just wants to be of help

“here’s baby a! it’s a girl!”

u two have at least a moment with her, taking in her small appearance, felix holding her out for u to see

abruptly cut off by baby b needing to make an appearance

“i don’t wanna do this again.”

“it’s alright, shh. we’re going to have two babies, two perfect ones. we have one little girl, let’s get ready for the next one, yeah? our two babies, you’re doing so good.”

they take away ur little girl while felix does what he already did beforehand

“here’s your second one!! we have a pair of sisters!”

u and felix are so overjoyed at this news, literally sobbing, u two r a mess

both r brought over to u, felix taking in the fact he’s a father of two girls, such small girls

ur both smiley while u kiss them n cuddle them, getting the nurse to take a picture of u two

ur obviously tired, felix emotionally worn out but having the brightest smiles on ur faces while u hold onto ur pair of newborn girls

he’s so proud, he’s the definition of a proud father

lix is holding onto one and he comes over to you, the other one cooing

“that’s it, my three girls.”

©️ maysdiors 2020 :: all rights reserved. do not repost my work on tumblr or other platforms.

[emiliaheartfeel]

Supergirl

Chapter 7: Bro Code

AN: Atsumu did a shitty thing, that I do not condone. Hope your ready to feel smad!

It’s been two weeks since you started ignoring and avoiding Atsumu. You didn’t even reply to his message and he has been too stubborn to apologize. It’s starting to get on Osamu’s nerves because avoiding Atsumu included avoiding Osamu. He hasn’t seen or heard from you and Atsumu has been a bitch the whole time too. The coach had to bench cause he was being down right cruel to his own teammates. Osamu can’t talk to you and he hasn’t wanted to ask Atsumu, but this had gotten ridiculous and the team agrees. Kita calls a team meeting after practice one day. Atsumu is extremely bitter and becomes even more annoyed when all heads turn to him.

“What happened with you Atsumu?”

“I don’t know what your fucking talking about!”

“You have been rather irritable as of late”

“What he means is you have been a bitch.”

“In a sense, yes”

“I am always like this”

“Like hell you are man”

“Why don’t you all just leave me hell alone!”

Osamu can’t take it anymore and lunges at he’s brother in pure fury. This already was more intense then their usual petty fights. Fights about you always were. Osamu has Atsumu pinned under him hands in his collar holding him down. Both Aran and Kita are ready to get involved but Osamu sends them a nasty glare.

“What. The. Fuck. Did you do?”

“I already told you I don’t know what you are talking about”

“Bull fucking shit. Y/N is so mad at YOU she isn’t even talking to me”

“She chose you,”

“What”

“Three months ago she chose you,”

Osamu is lost now. What was Atsumu on about. Confusion is all he feels as he watches Atsumu looks broken. Years ago Atsumu was the first twin to tell the other he loved you Osamu revealed he did too a few months later.

“Last time she was in town she came to me to talk about you,”

“I don’t understand she barely even said goodbye when she left.”

“Because I had slept with her,”

Osamu’s mind goes blank for a moment before he pulls his fist back in punches Atsumu in the nose hard enough he feels a crunch. Aran grabs his arm as he pulled again to hit his twin again. He looks feral and Atsumu looks torn and ashamed. He’s not even fighting back not making eye contact with anyone.

“You! What!!”

Atsumu doesn’t answer finding his hands much more interesting. The team is stunned into silence this wasn’t the petty bullshit they were expecting. This was deep and personal.

“Answer! Me!”

“She loved you... Loves you”

“...”

“She came to me nervous a few nights before she was leaving to ask me a question”

You were in the Miya house in your pjs when you are pacing in the hall. Your right foot goes to rub up and down you left calf a sign of pure nerves for you. Atsumu raises an eyebrow at you with an annoying teasing smirk.

“What’s up, Supergirl,”

“Umm..I...”

“What? Finally confessing your undying love to the lesser twin,”

He knew. Knew you had a crush on Osamu. You had told him a year ago, but you hadn’t acted on believing it would make your relationship with both the twins weird which Atsumu fully agreed with.

“Haha, no it’s something else...”

“Come on, you can always tell the great and generous Atsumu what’s troubling you”

“I don’t think I want to”

“Oh! She doesn’t want my advise! I am not good enough to give you my advise! Oh the betrayal. That promise when you were 8 and sobbing on front porch and I told you I always got you. That means nothing to you appare...”

“You dramatic bitch.”

*overdramatic sigh*

“Oh my god! Fine...I....to...Osamu...”

“What was that?”

“I want to give Osamu my virginity!”

“Oh”

Something in him really broke. Knowing you loved Osamu was and not acting on it was one thing, but this would definitely lead to you and his brother dating. He couldn’t handle if you two actively together. He couldn’t watch you be with another man.

“What’s that look for”

“I just think that’s a bad idea”

“Why?”

“Tell me have you really thought this through”

“Yes I want my first time to be with someone a love and trust,”

“Then let me do it!”

“What?”

He knew he was running purely on emotions and needs a cover and fast. He’s panicking this isn’t how he imagined confessing to you. He had even thought about ever confessing to you.

“We love each other and you trust me”

“You know that’s different!”

“Not really it’s going be completely yours decision everything. Think about how weird it’ll if he says no or worse he says yes and doesn’t have feelings for you. Having sex with someone you love, but doesn’t love you is a new kind of torture that I don’t want you to go through!”

“How do you know he doesn’t love me!”

“I just do!”

“How!”

“He told me!”

“I don’t believe you!”

“Atsumu I just love Y/N she’s like the perfect little sister!”

He know it was fucked up. He knew he was breaking her heart and lying to do it.

“Obviously I am not saying you need to have sex with me, but I am your safest bet,”

“I need to go home,”

“Let me walk you then”

“I don’t think that’s necessary”

“No it’s not but I need you to understand I am not trying to actively sleep with you. I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

BULLSHIT! He was a liar and a horrible friend.

“Atsumu I just found out the guy I have been in love of with for years doesn’t love me and his brother, who looks exactly like him, offers sex. I am going to be fucking hurt! I need time to think and get over Osamu. And rethink shit about my virginity,”

He knew this wasn’t gonna be good for you. You already looked destroyed and all he wanted to do was hold you, but he knew that might just confuse you. Though the really dark voice in him wanted you confused, cause maybe then you would finally pick him. He couldn’t go that far. Everything had to be your choice.

‘But is it really her choice. You lied so she wanted go to Osamu, to make you seem more attractive more desirable. You are soliciting sex from the girl you claim to live because you are jealous and maybe this is the closest you’ll ever get to her loving you. You thought if you can’t have love, lust is just as good.’ He thought to himself. Guilt riddled him before you were even out the door.

“Y/N forget I said anything. You should love and trust the man you give your first to.”

You walk out and don’t back in until a few days later. Osamu isn’t home again. You knew that and Atsumu knew you knew it. He’s hesitant to even approach you, but it is clear he is who you came to see.

“I need to know this won’t change anything between us,”

“What won’t?”

“That if I give you my virginity. Your still my friend Atsumu. I can’t live my life with out you. You were right I didn’t think it through. Even if Osamu did love me it doesn’t mean we wouldn’t eventually fall out of love and then he would just be out of my life right. I need you by my side even if he isn’t.”

It almost sounded like a love confession to Atsumu, but he knows better. You are so desperate to keep Osamu in your life you have torn yourself a part to hide that you loved him. You just assumed Atsumu was always going to be there, you just need him to say it. It not like Osamu where you won’t even risk it. Atsumu, he knew you could live without him you just don’t want to.

“No matter we are gonna be weird with each other we both have to have faith in each other, but Y/N I was talking out my ass. It annoyed me that you were gonna have sex with Osamu over me. Yeah it doesn’t make sense but you know how competitive we are. You don’t got to do this. We pretend this never happen and have a sundae night.”

“I am sure Atsumu.”

That’s what he told his teammates and that’s how it went down. Osamu is livid. Aran is holding him tightly as Kita had put tape over his mouth so Atsumu could tell his story without interruptions. Everyone taking it all in.

“Wait then why is she mad now?”

Atsumu pulls out his phone and shows them the texts he sent.

“You are an idiot”

As soon as Osamu signals he is calm enough Aran slowly and with hesitation let’s him go. As he turns to his twin face hardened and swallows tightly.

“She can never know you lied”

“...what”

“It would ruin her, Atsumu. You are her confidant and you took advantage of her. She can’t know. We pretend it never happened, we follow our bro code and neither of us go for her ever. We be the best big brothers we can. Nothing changes between us.”

“...I”

“Shut up! You did a terrible thing and should be treating her like a goddess until one of you dies. You barely deserve to be in the same room as her. You are lucky I don’t break your hands.”

“I know”

Masterlist

AN: I don’t think I capture the amount of heartbreak Atsumu actually was suppose to be in but boy is suppose to seem fucking broken. Doesn’t excuse his action but he insecure scared baby that just wants love.

AN: Sorry this chapter took a little longer. If I don’t have you in my tag list just message me! I am so so nervous about how you all are going to react to this chapter and the next ones. Also there are more then 10 chapters this is just volume 1 🙃.

Please Comment!

@kaleidoscopekai @je-suis-argent-miel @liferuinedby5idiotsand1genius @poppi144 @idontevenknow129 @ssuna @im-the-music-whore @kac-chowsballs

[tomdiddlyumptious]

Can u do a Tom Holland x black reader

Where there relationship has been secret for a while and reader confronts him while there with the ffh cast at a get together and they have a huge argument in front of everyone and reader starts to think he wants to keep her a secret because of what she looks like . Ending in fluff

YES. BTW IF ANYONE ELSE HAS REQUESTS THROW THEM AT ME I NEED TO MAKE IT UP TO UU GUYS🥺

Summary: huh-

Warnings: uhhhh- a dick thomas and a faking it andddd- NOW NOW NOW NANANANA NOW YÆS- jk fluff

A/n: AYO CHILL WITH THE FOLLOWS-AHHHH I LYSMMMMMMMM-

You wanted to not care, you wanted to act like your feelings weren’t hurt- but it wasn’t true, it wasn’t fair. You sigh and laid in bed with him thinking about everything you gave to him, everything you’ve done for him.....but he can’t even take you outside? What the fuck, no really. What the actual fuck.

Your blood boiled on the inside out, just looking at him clouded your mind with all these negative thoughts. You didn’t want it to happen but you couldn’t help it, and since you refused to shed a tear your head was pounding and lips slightly chapped. Hearing his moan made you jump a bit, turning your back to him as you acted sleep. “Y/n?” He whispered, turning enough to look at you and smiled, leaning over to kiss up your arm all the way to your cheek as he took his hand to rub your waist. “Y/n wake up, I wanna make you coffee” he chuckled, biting your ear before kissing it. You opened your eyes and tried best not to laugh, just something about getting caught always made you giggle.

“Hmm?” You let out when he pressed a kiss to your lips, “I wanna make you coffee” you smacked your lips and laid back down “Thomas I’m still tired” lie, you just wanted time to yourself to think about what your gonna do. “Pleaseeeee y/nnnnn!” He shook you and you groaned “fine” he smiled and bit your revealed shoulder making you squeal and try to wiggle him away leaving him laughing at you before he stood up and walked to the kitchen.

“Soooooo” he tried to ease the sudden tension sitting at the table, looking at you drinking the coffee. “Yes?” You looked up at him, placing the mug down. “Uh, I don’t know....just wanted to speak to you ya know?” “Nah I don’t” you shook your head and he furrowed his eyebrows at the mean comment, wondering what went wrong, but he knew better to bother you or else you’d go off the chain. “Zendaya wants to see you” Tom smiled, putting his hands in his lap and rubbing them together while he looked away from you. “Really?” You asked.

It was like a child and their independent, self centering father were talking....the silence loud and the father barely even caring...or at least that’s what it looked like. “Yeah, and so does Jacob, haz, Laura and tony” he cheered up, excited to see you happy. “When?” You grinned as he chuckled, “today, we have to go for lunch” he moved his chair closer to you and pressed a kiss on your forehead before holding your hand. “I love you so much, y/n” it wasn’t the first time he said that, but when he did it sent you unplesant chills as the angel and devil on your shoulders agrued.

‘If he were to love you then he would show you off’ ‘y/n no, he might be scared to’ ‘what is there to be so fücking afraid of, listen to me’ ‘stay positive! You both are gonna get there’ ‘you’ve been dating for multiple months, it’s not even fücking dating it’s like a fling at this point, just a longggg fling-‘

You cut them both out and looked at him “I-I” you choked. “Don’t worry you don’t have to say it, I already know you do” he chuckled.

‘What a cocky bitch’ ‘he just said he loves you!’ ‘He’s laughing at you because you can’t say three simple words’ ‘he’s not pressuring you into doing anything, listen to me!’ ‘You’ve been getting negative signs every single months, it’s time to fucking move on’ ‘just give him another chance! He can change!’ ‘He won’t y/n, he wont’

You didn’t know how to stick to, your angel couldn’t fight anymore because the your devil kept pointing out the larger things and storing up the pot, you chose angel this time and decided to give him one more single chance, after that it’s done. You know your worth.

You smiled up at him and put a kiss to his lips thanking him “it’s no problem princess”

After that whole shannanagin you washed the dishes and took another nap on the couch this time, you wanted to watch Disney+. Tommy woke you up and told you to get ready so you did, just something comfy like sweats and an oversized hoodie with some uggs, he wore jeans and a sweatshirt per usual. “You ready?” He asked watching you when you looked up and nodded, he smile and held his hand out for you to take and you put it there.

‘He’s using you!’ ‘He’s being nice!’

You told your conscious to shut up mentally and then poof they left, the ride was silent and playing some random songs that you couldn’t catch while he tapped his fingers on the wheel.

Once you came in the small quiet restaurant you all sat around the table saying hi to each other, tom sat next to you on the right and on the left was the boys while the rest of the girls sat across from you. Food was ordered and you all were chatting “sooo I see that you two are hanging out a whole bunch...what’s goin on?” Zendaya said. You looked at Thomas “no we aren’t together” he laughed “she’s a friend”

That hit so deep. To deep. You only nodded your head and filled your cheeks with air, Tom looked at you with a smile, his eyes happy too. “Yeah just friends!” You agree, “right” he said after, you released the air in your cheeks and bit the side of your lip. “Cool” Zendaya smiled and looked down at her plate.

Everything was normal for everyone else except you, the small people on your shoulders appearing.

‘I told youuuuu’ ‘y/n I never thought that I could agree with him’ your angel pointed to your devil ‘but I do, whatever needs to come it has to’ the devil perked up to the words, standing and walking to your ear before whispering all the things he’s done.

As you mind cakes up your eyes flare and nostrils perk and jitter, “I have to use the bathroom” you looked at Tom and he only shrugged but noticing the look in your eye he could tell somethings wrong. You stood and walked in the bathroom, your hands shook as you sat ontop of the counter, taking time to yourself to try and calm down but that’s all that you could think about. Trying to be respectful as possible.

Tom pretended to walk inside the men’s bathroom but instead came into the woman’s, seeing you stare at your hands. “Y/n?” He tried to be gentle. “What the fuck do you want, Thomas?” You looked up at him. “What-“ “get out” “tell me what’s wrong” he stepped in and the bathroom door closed by it’s self. “what’s wrong? We aren’t dating so what does that matter? Leave me alone” “I’m not leaving you a fücking lone, you need to get your act together so you can sit down with your fucking friends” he said sternly.

“What am I? Your fucking pet? Child? No the fuck I’m not!” You stood, walking over slowly. “I’ve tried my fücking best to ignore it, to suck it up, to hide it, but you fucking enrage me SO MUCH that I can’t help it!” “Shut up y/n your being to loud” “IM BEING TO LOUD? HERE ILL BE MORE FUCKING QUIETER!” You raised your voice louder.

Everyone’s eyebrows furrowed as they could hear your screams.

As you got closer he backed up more. “Y/n please-“ “what thomas? You dont wanna let everyone know what a fucking bitch you are? The fact that you LIE TO EVERYONE about our relationship”

At this point you were so blinded you didnt notice that you were infront of everyone.

“Why do you hide me away?” You genuinely asked, and suddenlyyou were crashed by a sudden rush of anxiety. “is it because i dont look like your past exes?” He was backed up against the table as you stopped right infront him, your eyes started to water as he didnt reply.

“Y/n i-“ zendaya harrison and jacob looked at tom too, it was clear what the problem was and zendaya was getting kinda mad and was waiting for an answer.

“Thomas” you begged and he had nothing, he said.... nothing.

Tears fell down his cheek as he watched you sniffle and rub your nose, grabbing your bag and running out.

Everyone watched him in silence as he leaned back into the table “excuse me” the lady gently said, tom noticed it wasnt his table so he only walked out of the store and waited outside.

He watched as you pulled out of the car but he didnt even feel like trying to make you come back, you do need to have some time to yourself.

“Fuck” he let out, wondering why he didnt say anything nor do anything. Harrison walked outside and sat next to him.

“Why?” He asked and tom looked at him. “I dont know i just felt like- i felt like my fans were gonna hurt her” “but you did” harrison pointed at tom “you didnt even give a chance and she stuck by your side for how long?” Tom told away and as he speaked he noticed how much of a dick he was......is.

You cried in the bed while you had your things out, getting ready to pack them up as you could barely breathe choking ob your sobs.

What did i do wrong? What did i do to deserve this? Should i change?

All these things running through your head and distracting yourself from putting your stuff up.

You ened up crying your ass off, crying it longer then the months that youve both been together, its all that you could think about honestly.

So when he came home you didn’t even notice your head hurt and your eyes stung, cuddling the pillow while your clothes were on the floor.

He hated seeing you like this, it made him cry and something he couldnt suck up, so when he saw you hurt and hearing your weeps it instantly hit him and made him come over and sit on the end of the bed, uncontrollable tears falling down his cheeks while he let out matching sobs.

You sat up and saw him, your eyes drying as they filled with hatred you stood and walked but tom beat you to the door, shutting it and locking it behind you.

You pointed to the door silently asking him to let you out but he shook his head refusing to. You walked up to him and tried to take his hand to pull him out the way but instead he forced his arms around your neck to hug you.

“Get off of me!” You yelled muffled. “No” he simply said, kissing your head as tears continued falling down his cheeks. “Get off- please get off!” You tried pushing him but he wouldnt budge.

“You can hit me, push me, whatever you want but im not letting you go” he gripped tighter speaking into your hair. “Fuck you” you muttered and he replied with a ‘i know’.

You both sat in silence all day and he was still hugging you but you didnt hug back until you calmed down, sobbing into his chest. “Y/n, you’re the one i want, you’re the one i need. So im begging you please... just dont leave me” he whispered starring at wall, his fingers touching your hair and trying to sooth you.

“Im scared your gonna leave me tom” you look up at him with your chin on his chest. He looker back at you “i cant even think of it, darling” he rubbed away your tears “but why-“ “i was scared” “what is there to be so afraid of?” “My fans are terrible... at least the 12 year olds” he chuckled “im scared they wont see the same beauty i see in my eyes, id rather keep you to myself then share you with this cruel world”

He reached down and kissed your forehead. “But youve been doing it for so long and-“ you sighed “i didnt feel like it was that long, you made me feel like-like you took it away. Like i could spend forever with you and it woukd seem like it was just an hour or so”

You gave him a weak smile and he returned it, reaching to meet his lips you did, the kiss salty from the shared tears but no one was complaining, you both laid in the bed and he cuddled right behind you, while you were sleep he took a picture and posted it with the caption ‘couldnt ever ask for anything better, love you y/n’

After that he shut off his phone and returned to your side and pressed a kiss on your neck before falling asleep, safe and sound.

[descendantofthesparrow]

Shuffle Playlist - Rewrite - Part of Your World - Harry Hook x Reader - Part 14 - Discoveries

=

Evie hung one of the last dresses on the transportation rack, when a knock sounded on her door. She pushed the dresses apart for her to step on the other side and called out; “come in!” Doug entered moments later, a smile on his face.

“Hey! How was the camping trip?” Evie turned to him with furrowed brows.

“C-Camping?” Doug's smile diminished and he looked at her slightly confused.

“yeah?” He tilted his head at Evie “Carlos and Jay said you and the others went on a last-minute camping trip to relax?...is-is that not what you did?” Evie sighed, the questions running through her mind stopping as she realized what had happened.

“oh, um, yeah they lied to you” Doug looked a bit offended “you see, Ben was kidnapped on the isle” now he looked alarmed “let me finish, we saved him and saved Auradon” Doug let out a small sigh of relief and took Evie's hands.

“is everyone okay?” Evie looked off to the side for a moment “you hesitated what happened” She grimaced and shook her head a bit.

“um, well…you know how our parents are kinda pieces of shit?” Doug looked surprised at the swear but nodded “well… Harry's dad is…kinda really bad and…that didn’t turn out well on Harry's side…that’s all I’m saying” she gave a small smile and turned, grabbing some of Dizzy’s accessories that she had brought back with her and sliding some on her arm to carry easier.

“Is he okay now?” Doug asked quietly, stepping to her side and leaning into her field of vision.

“yes” Evie assured him “Mal healed him when we left the isle and he’s with (y/n) now, he should be just fine for cotillion tomorrow~” Doug nodded and gave Evie a small smile.

“that’s good, you had me really worried for a moment there, was anyone else hurt?” Evie thought for a moment then shook her head.

“Mal has a cut on her cheek but that was the worst of our end thankfully.” She gave another smile and looked back down at the accessories “you know…while I was there…I realized something” Doug put his hand on her shoulder “I was lucky enough to be given a chance, and now I need to give someone else a chance too” her mind flashed back to five months ago when Harry had asked Ben to bring Uma over, and maybe after cotillion she could ask about Dizzy?

“My uncle bashful used the say that” Doug switched the topic, sensing Evie was not in the mood to talk about what had happened on the isle with him. Evie smiled, happy with the sudden change and turned to him, her brow raised a bit.

“did he?” Doug nodded, then pursed his lips a bit.

“but, really-really quietly” Evie laughed, spinning around to face the transportation rack and gesturing to it.

“come on, we have dresses to deliver~!” Doug happily obliged to her non-verbal request and moved to the rack, pushing it as Evie pulled it out of the room.

-

Two hours later, after every dress had been delivered, Evie returned to her room and grabbed her last two outfits she had to deliver.

A red rose gown and a red and black suit.

She handed the outfits to Doug and dug into her bag again, finding the red ruby earrings with small crossbones skulls hanging from the top. “perfect” she muttered, carefully holding them in her hand and leading Doug to (y/n)s room.

She knocked on the door, humming as a couple of moments passed by and no response came. She knocked again and sighed when again no response came, she gently opened the door and cooed as she looked inside the room.

On (y/n)s bed was her and Harry, curled up together under her many blankets as soft yellow fairy lights hung above them, the title screen of a movie playing on her tv.

Evie snuck into the room, gesturing Doug to be quiet as she set (y/n)s new earrings on her desk and motioned for Doug to hang hers and Harry's outfits on her closet door.

Evie spotted (y/n)s notepad on her desk and wrote out a small thank you note, pinning it to her corkboard that hung just next to her desk.

She ushered Doug out and turned, smiling at the sleeping couple, and slowly closed the door behind her, shushing it as it shut with a loud click.

“There we go” Evie sighed, turning to Doug and wrapping her arm around his “I’m starving, how about you?”

“Food sounds good” he chuckled, guiding Evie to the cafeteria.

-

Carlos watched from afar as Mal swung her feet just of the gazebo floor, her toes just grazing the cool lake water. He froze as she turned to look at him, her emerald green eyes softening and she invited him closer, turning back to the water as he did so and sat down beside her.

Mal laid her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes, while she and Carlos hadn’t been friends before Auradon, she was glad that she had him by her side now.

“so…you broke up with Ben?” Carlos started, giving Mal a soft smile as she looked up at him. She slowly looked back down at the water as she thought of what to say.

“I…yeah” she sighed, letting her weight fully lean onto Carlos, who lifted his arm and wrapped it around her shoulder. “I’m just…not ready for the relationship he wants…I know I hide my feelings and shit but…I really don’t know how he expected me to just, be good with all of this Auradon lady stuff within six months…I feel like a failure” Carlos let out a low hum, squeezing Mal's shoulder.

“well, you aren’t, you did your best, and your best was good enough, you just found out that that life…isn’t going to work out for you, it goes against your mental wiring, yes maybe you could adjust to it but would you be happy with it?” Mal pursed her lips, Carlos shook her a bit “well?”

“no” Mal muttered, picking at the loose thread on her pants “no I wouldn’t be happy like that…Ben…he said he wanted me…the real me, the isle me-wait…no he wouldn’t want her, she's rude as fuck” Mal smiled at the snort that erupted from Carlos, before it slipped off as she remembered something. Mal stopped Carlos as he was about to speak again “Hey…I did this for Evie but…I wanted to do the same for you” He looked at her confused “I’m sorry for the way I treated you when we were on the isle” he looked off to the side for a moment before he realized what she meant.

“oh! Yeah, it's no biggie” he attempted to brush it off but Mal adamantly shook her head.

“No! it's not “no biggie!” I treated you, Evie, and sometimes Jay, horribly! Even after we became friends! You were and are deserving of kindness, and I’m sorry that I was so fucked up that I was the rottenest little brat to you” Carlos stared at her with wide eyes. “what?”

His shocked look melted into a comforting grin “Thank you Mal” he wrapped his arms around her, pulling into a tight hug that only lasted a moment “sorry, just remembered; you’re not really affectionate” he laughed, grinning wider as Mal giggled along.

“it’s-its fine when it comes from you three” Mal hummed, turning to look back at the lake.

“sooo back to the Ben break up talk?” Carlos tried, smirking as Mal blew a raspberry “come on, you need to talk it out with someone, or else you’re gonna explode keeping it all bottled up.”

“…I’m happy I broke up with him” Mal spilled, not looking at Carlos as his brows shot up “I thought about our future and I realized if I kept doing what I was doing, and we kept going with how we were…neither of us would have been happy…I need to learn to love myself before I can love him properly, because…if (y/n)s forced quote an’ unquote therapy sessions” Carlos laughed at that “taught me anything. It’s that…I rely on someone else's love to measure my self-worth”

Carlos hummed, squeezing Mal's shoulder again “that’s not a good thing”

“no!” Mal huffed, running her hands through her hair and pulling at the roots “it isn’t! I've been trying to earn my mother's love for 16 years, then I just hop to doing so much bullshit to make sure Ben will love me! I dyed my hair blonde, I dressed in those itchy dresses, I dropped my entire personality for all that! And-and it wasn’t good, I felt like I was slipping away Carlos” Mal sobbed, tears trailing down her cheeks as she finally broke “I don’t even remember what I’m supposed to act like without all that because I spent so long doing it I just-I forgot what being ME felt like” Carlos fully wrapped his arms around Mal and pulled her tight to his side.  “I-I know it sounds like I’m being pathetic and having a fucking pity party but I’m just so fucking scared Carlos” Mal whimpered, throwing her arms around Carlos’ torso and pushing her cheek against his shoulder “on the isle my life was commanded by my mother and my identity was pleasing her, and here my life has been being Ben’s girlfriend and pleasing the people of Auradon so they think I’m not some villain whose just after Ben because he’s king…I-I do really like Ben Carlos”

Mal sniffed, pulling back one of her arms and wipe her nose “I do, it's just that…being with him hasn’t helped me move on from my mother bullshit and im-gah!” Mal let out a yell, pulling back from Carlos and burying her face in her hands “I’m having a fucking identity crisis because of my fucking mother! Why can’t she just leave me alone! Why can't all this dumb shit be left behind five months ago! Why do I still have to deal with it?!” Carlos let Mal rant, rubbing her back as she broke down.

“because life is unfair that way” Carlos sighed “Mal I know exactly what you're dealing with right now” Mal peeked out from her fingers, her eyes shining “I still have nightmares from living in my mother’s closet, getting trapped in the bear traps on the ground, or when she would burn me with her cigarette…even ones were she sends dogs at me to kill me…I still hear her voice in my head, telling me I’m worthless, that I’ll never be better than dog chow, my only use was being her servant” Carlos swallowed down the lump in his throat “but I know she's wrong, I’m not anything she says. I’m a tech genius, I've made several computers on the isle just from scraps, I've enhanced my 3D printer to be the best in Auradon, faster than any other and the quality is still top-notch, I've made a tiny little device that was able to make a hole in the barrier, I've gotten offers to work for Tony fucking Stark!” Mal gasped, reaching forward to grab Carlos' shoulders in excitement.

“holy shit what!? When? How? Why?!” Carlos smiled, prying off her grip.

“I knew you all were distracted by something else, especially you, so I didn’t want to make you stressed by my stuff either, it was two months ago. I didn’t take the offer because I want to finish school, but the offer still stands when I graduate in two years” Mal grinned, but it turned to a pout as Carlos gave her a look “Now back to the original topic, I’m not letting you deviate from it, you need to let it all out”

Mal stared at him for a moment before shrugging “I…feel like I already did…Auradon is stressful, my mother is the base of all my mental shit, and I’m not ready to be in a relationship with the dude I love because until I can love myself and learn not to rely on others value of me as my own value I can't be with him in a way that won't hurt him” Carlos slowly grinned “what?” “you said you love Ben~” he teased, laughing as Mal turned red and smacked him.

“I did not!!” she screeched, yelping as Carlos half tackled her and pulled her into an arm lock “Let me go you heathen!”

“you love Ben~ you love Ben~” Carlos sang, laughing as she tried to smack at his face “Come on, pixie! Let's get you back to the dorms, I think you need a nap”

“Don’t call me pixie!”

“How bout gremlin?”

“Carlos!!”

-

Chad carefully pulled the 3D printed copy of the king's crown from the printer and pressed a kiss to the emblem on the front. “Finally,~” He walked over to the mirror that was installed in Jay's standing dresser and carefully perched the crown on his head, smiling as his full cotillion outfit came to light.

He looked like a king~

He tilted the crown down a bit and laughed, posing in the mirror “oh what's that? Why no Audrey, I haven’t chosen my queen yet~” He purred to the fake Audrey in his mind. He turned and started to walk away before spinning back around to pose again “why no Audrey-”

Suddenly his phone rang, and he turned, raising his brow as he walked over to his phone “who could be calling me?”

Caller ID - Audrey <3

Chad let out a high-pitched scream of excitement, dropping his phone to the floor as he gripped his head “ahhAH! Audrey!!!”

“chad!” Carlos groaned, glaring as the other dived to the floor for his phone, and shushed him “Chad! This is my room chad!”

Chad shushed him again, making Carlos roll his eyes. Chad hit the answer button on his phone “Audrey?”

“Hey Chad um, I’m kind of stuck in Sherwood forest, my tire went flat. Could, could you come help me?”

“yeah of course!” Chad covered the mic and turned back to Carlos “she got a flat tire in Sherwood forest and she wants me to come fix it~” Carlos squinted a bit and looked at Chad with an odd look.

“that’s six hours away”

Chad looked at him as if what he said wasn’t a long road trip. “Really? Only six?” he turned back to his phone and put it back to his ear “I’m gonna be there faster than I thought”

“Thanks Chad, I was going to come to cotilli-“ he pulled the phone away and pressed a kiss to the screen, hanging up on Audrey and starting to walk out the door when Carlos stopped him.

“Ah-My printer my crown” Carlos took the crown off Chad's head, who chuckled and gestured back from the printer to the crown before shrugging it off.

“I’m coming Audrey!” he ran down the halls towards his car, leaving a bewildered Carlos in his dorm.

“wow,” Carlos snorted, shaking his head and walking into the room, tossing the crown on Jay's bed. Carlos flopped down on his bed, Dude hopping up next to him moments later “these last two days have been crazy huh?”

“You can say that again” Dude snorted, halfway crawling on Carlos' chest and laying his head down “Nap time?”

“Nap time” Carlos chuckled, pulling his pillow over his face to block out the afternoon sun and sighed.

-end of part 14-

yep, part 14, we’re almost to Cotillion guys! also yep, Doug does not accuse Evie of cheating on him even though he had no reason to do so in the movie and he shows concern over Evie and her friends safety when she tells him about the isle~ what?? no~ this isn't a dig at Doug's awful D2 writing!! how could you accuse me of such a thing~! (Doug had alot of potential but like Mal it got ruined in the second movie and he was pushed as a full on background character in the third) also MORE CARLOS CONTENT~ yes he is smart boi and deserves that recognition and yes, the avengers exist in this universe. hopefully that Mal talk didnt sound like a pity party. 

anyway PERMTAGLLIST

@queer-cosette​ @sephiralorange​

@lunanight2012​ @daughter-of-the-stars11​

@musicarose​ @random-thoughts-003​

@remembered-license​ @rintheemolion​

@thecaptainsgingersnap​ @descendantsobsessed​

@verboetoperee​ @imtryingthisout​

taglist

@thesailbells​ @beccad10x​

[castiel-barnes]

Saving you.

Pairing: Poe Dameron x reader.

Summary: Poe saves you after being severely tortured by the first order.

Warnings: Angst. Blood. Medical inaccuracies probably. Leia being a surrogate mother. Wedge being surrogate father. Fluff.

Wordcount: 1.7k

A/N: I know I wrote a poe for just the other day but I needed to try do angst with flyboy.

Tag: @phoenixhalliwell

Poe had always been that level headed, ace pilot that everyone knew him to be. But this was a side no one else had ever seen. Not even General Organa. He was running off of no sleep and caffeine and that was it. Bags had formed under his eyes, his usually somewhat neat curls were all over the place.

You had been captured and tortured by the First Order. After your X-Wing had crashed troopers had dragged you away, and took you on board of Kylo Rens Star destroyer. It had gotten to the point during being tortured that you started to dissociate from the reality that was happening around you.

"What are they doing?" Hux asked a lieutenant that was in your cell with him,

"It seems they are distancing themselves from reality sir, to cope with the pain." The lieutenant responded as they look down at you, and your weakened state as you stared into the distance.

Back on the resistance base, Leia physically forced Poe to go to bed. Making sure that either Rey or Finn were there to make sure he actually slept. He had to be honest, he did feel better physically after getting some well needed rest. After getting some sleep, he woke up and freshend himself up. That was until Finn came running in the room.

"POE! LEIA NEEDS US!!" Finn stated heaving the words out. Poe, BB-8 and Finn running or in BB-8s case rolling at full force down corridors leading towards the control room. There Leia stood over a table of information. Sensing the 2 boys and the droid enter the room, she turned and looked Poe dead in they eye.

"Poe... we found them." She simply stated. A little bit of pressure had lifted off of Poe's shoulders for a moment, knowing that he would be able to get to you. Everything around base started getting busy, Poe, Finn, Rey and BB-8 got the falcon ready and we're on their way to the ship.

You were still in your cell on the floor. The extent of your injuries worse than anyone on base has had for a long while. You were certain that your leg was broken from the crash, only to be made worse by Hux and his men. They hadn't given you anything to eat or drink, so your hydration levels were extremely low. Cuts and bruises had formed all over your body. You were finding it difficult to move anything, and the extent of some of your injuries would probably require some PT and a slow recovery.

Inside the Millenium Falcon, Poe sat there nervously his leg bouncing up and down. Rey walked over to him and kneeled in front of him.

"We're gonna find them Poe." Rey stated quietly,

"I know. It's just.... what state they'll be in." He replied even quieter. She left him to simmer with his thoughts until it was time to board the destroyer. The destroyer came into view after dropping out of hyperspace, and Rey could sense your presence but it was very weak. After spending a few minutes, the three of them along with BB-8 were aboard the ship and Rey used the force on some troopers to find you.

Coming to a stop outside your cell, BB-8 got the door open for the others. Poe was first in, and the sight shattered his heart into a million little pieces.

"Y/N? Honey, it's Poe. We're taking you home." Poe stated quietly. He could see your shallow breathes, but there was no recognition of the fact that he was there and not to mention you were almost cold to the touch. Picking you up as gently as he could, he heard you groan and your eyebrows pinch a little.

"Poe?" Your voice cracked as you felt your body being lifted,

"Yeah baby, I'm here I'm saving you baby. We're going home." Poe responded. The five of you moved through the ship, Finn and BB-8 in front, Poe with you in and out of consciousness in the middle and Rey at the back. It wasn't long until you were all in the hanger, blaster fire all over the place. But you all managed to get away on the Falcon.

Poe laid you gently on the bed, and sat next you holding your hand. Rey and Finn left the two of you alone, knowing that Poe would just want to be with you and not talk. As he sat next to you, he felt your hand squeeze his ever so slightly but no words came out. You were too tired.

"I know baby, we're two minutes away from base." He said quietly to you, his free hand stroking your hair back gently. Surely enough two minutes later, the falcon dropped out of hyperspace right above the current planet the base was on.

Medics rushed onto the falcon, helping transfer you onto a floating medical bed. Poe ran behind them on the way to medical, but soon stopped him when they went to get ready to be treated. Poe started sobbing, as he slid down the wall not realising that Leia had just arrived. She got Poe to stand up and then drew him in for a hug and let him cry. Leia knew that you two were in love, and it made her heart break to know that Poe almost lost you in the way he lost his mother, but also then having to hear you have been tortured by the First Order.

Eventually, Poe and Leia were allowed to see you. You looked better, the miracle of bacta doing its job. And when Poe touched your hand it was far warmer than it had been previously. It took you a long while to wake up, the bacta working as best it could. The medics checked on you frequently, and Poe stayed next to you for almost the entire time.

You opened your eyes, the bright light of medical causing then to shut again. Slowly your eyes adjusted to the light and you were able to see what was going on around you. Looking to the left of you, you saw Poe dozing at an odd angle in the chair next to you.

"Poe..." you croaked barely anything coming out, "Poe." You managed to say a bit louder. He sat up with a start, almost falling off of the chair. His eyes were wide but tired, as he looked at you tears welled in his but a smile was across his face.

"Hi honey, how are you feeling?" Poe asked quietly stroking your hair back,

"Like absolute shit. You look tired." You replied bringing one hand up to his face.

"It's cause I am baby, you gave me a scare." Poe stated leaning into your hand and locking eyes,

"Your gonna need physical therapy for that leg you know." He continued kissing the palm of your hand.

"I'm sorry I scared you flyboy. And I know, I gathered that when I was.... when I was. Yeah I gathered." You stuttered out, everything suddenly coming back to you at once. You looked at Poe, tears now falling down your face.

"K-kriff I'm.... im so sorry Poe. I almost left you and... and I was so scared, all I could think about was you." You continued breathing starting to get more panicky.

"No, no baby. Hey listen Y/N it's fine, there is nothing to be sorry about. Baby just breathe, please just breathe for me." Poe stated instantly taking your hand in his and calming you down. Eventually you started breathing properly again and squeezed your eyes shut for a moment.

"I'm sorry Poe." You whispered,

"It's okay baby, I understand. You've had a bad few weeks. But I'm not going anywhere and neither are you, because you're safe." Poe responded kissing you gently.

***********************************

It had just been over a month now that Poe had rescued you. Medical had cleared you to go to your own quarters, but you had to go back either every day or every other day for physical therapy. Some days were better than others.

If Poe was away though, you'd spin his mother's ring around your finger. Which he had given to you as a sign of unity, not long after you were discharged.

Today though, you had a rest from therapy and you decided you'd go sit outside and watch Black Squadron practice flight maneuvers. Sensing a presence next to you, you turned and saw that it was Wedge. Wedge Antilles was like a father to you, he was one of the first faces you saw when you joined the Resistance, and he was the one that taught you everything that you knew.

Standing up, you smiled and hugged him. He sat down next to you and looked at the X-Wings flying past.

"Hey Wedge." You said smiling at the older gentleman,

"Hey kid, how's the leg?" He asked smiling back at you.

"It has its moments. It gets bad some days and then others it's like I didn't injure it. But therapy is helping, I just wanna get back out there." You replied looking up as Poe soared past,

"Yeah I know the feeling. I didn't tell you about the time I basically had the same accident as you did I?" He stated tracking your eyes to your fiancé.

"No sir." You shook your head, now focusing on Wedge,

"Not long after the fall of the Empire and the destruction of the second Death star, I went out of my way to find if there was any remnants of the Empire left behind. One day, my ship got shot by a Tie and I crashed into one of the few remaining star destroyers. Injured myself of course, spent a little while moving around the ship before being caught and tortured for answers. This was above the planet Akiva, and they took me to the imperial Palace which was a magnificent building. After that I don't really remember much, but that's where I met Snap and his mum. I done therapy for a injury similar to yours." He explained, his eyes looking into the distance as he remembered.

"I didn't know that you met Snap that long ago." You replied,

"Yeah, he had a droid modified from the clone wars called MR BONES. But the thing is, therapy will get better Y/N." He stated smiling a sense of understanding there.

"Thank you Wedge." You smiled back giving him a hug again. The two of you sat there for a while, until you both agreed that getting food from the mess sounded good. You used your cane to help you around, sometimes placing most of your weight on it.

The good thing was that you had someone who understood how you felt, someone who loved you dearly and someone that could bring you or your fiancé comfort anytime.

[nostalthicc]

send your regards | jeff wittek

mobster!jeff x reader

summary: y/n and jeff both find out some pretty unsettling things about their relationship

warnings: cursing, horribly written, hella mistakes, im just not that happy with it 

3k words

y/n didn’t find herself in a relationship very often, so she understood why her friends were so eager to hear about this new guy she had been seeing for about five months. they’ve had to watch y/n come home in the early hours of the morning, new designer items pop into her closet and her mood suddenly shifted from her usual unbothered attitude to a brand new happy woman and hadn’t even heard a peep about who caused all these changes in their friend’s life.

but today was the day, y/n’s small group of friends sat crowded around her bed as she started to tell them about her newfound relationship- if she could even call it that. “we met at sandy’s, the club near the outlet mall. and you know me when i have one, two many drinks. i thought he was gonna kick me out in the morning but ended up making me breakfast and asked for my number.” y/n said, pausing as she noticed the girls were dying to interrupt her story with questions.

“how was it?” 

“what does he look like?”

“what’s his name?”

“eggplant and baby carrot?” 

“does he have a brother?”

y/n’s eyes widen at the abundance of words thrown her way, she knew they were curious but not this much so. “one, that’s for me to know, court. two, he’s really fucking hot, i’ll show you guys a picture in a second, three his name is jeff wittek-”

before she could go any farther, her older friend, nora blurted out: “What?! Jeff?” y/n gave her a questionable look, urging nora to quiet down and explain her sudden outburst. “y/n, no, you have to end things, you can’t get involved with him.” she said frantically. “h-he’s not a good person.”

“what are you talking about?” y/n asked, her eyebrows furrowed. jeff was one of the kindest people she met whenever they were together, she couldn’t imagine a bad bone in his body. what nora was saying didn’t add up, it seems her friend must have been confused and was talking about the wrong jeff. since the first time she met him he had been nothing but nice to y/n and the people around them and every one of jeff’s friends were also highly kind to her. 

“are you stupid, y/n? jeff wittek is the mob boss that haunts this god forsake town. how could you be so clueless and naive?” nora whispered harshly, causing all the girl’s eyes to widen. they’ve never seen nora act this way, she was always chill and down to earth so to see her blowing up as she was, was shocking. 

everyone had their attention focused on nora they completely missed the look of horror on y/n’s face. little pieces of the puzzle were starting to come together, she knew he was hiding something but y/n never thought it would be of this capacity. the late-night or early morning phone calls, they obnoxious amount of weapons hidden throughout his house, jeff’s constant stance of authority with everyone around him, the bloodied clothing he swore were nose bleeds or bar fights, and the never-ending pit of drugs he had handy at all times. it all made sense now, y/n had dismissed it because she wanted jeff to tell her what his secret was when he was ready but now y/n really regrets her idea. why would he not tell her? how many people has he killed? would he ever hurt her? 

“do you know what he does? he kills people, y/n.” she seethed, earning unprovable glares from surrounding customers- not that she cared. nora knew what she had to do  and she was willing to do it at any cost. “you better get away before he kills you as he does with all his little whores!”

“nora!”

y/n had heard enough, she swiftly grabbed her coat and purse and made a beeline for the door despite her friend’s calls. frustration was building deep inside her, why had everything gone to shit in a matter of minutes? y/n slammed her hands down on the steering wheel multiple times before resting her forehead against the cool leather. when her mind drifted to jeff a new emotion emerged, fear. she was scared.  

y/n knew she needed to confront jeff or it would eat at her alive, she wants to hear the words come from his own two lips before she made any rash decisions. meanwhile, nora had escaped the mob of anger girls and was standing behind the cafe with a burner phone pressed to her ear and a cigarette between her lips. 

“hello?” a gruff, agitated voice answer on the other line. 

“do i just have the funniest story for you?” she was met with silence from the man. rolling her eyes she continued. “you assigned me to keep on an eye on y/n after you two called it quits but you’ll never guess who’s bed she crawled into...wittek.” 

the sound of glass shattering course through the speakers, he was angry, very angry. “jeff wittek?! you had one fucking, nora! one job, how did you manage to fuck it up?” 

“it’s not my fault.” nora defended herself, she was not threatened but the anger pouring through the phone and she was not going to be blamed for something she didn’t do. “i was finding out right along with her dumbass friends, apparently y/n’s not one to openly talk about relationships because it’s been going on for three months but guessing from  her reaction when she found out, i don’t think it’ll last much longer.”

“if something happens to her because you couldn’t keep your mouth shut, so be it, i will put a bullet in your head.” 

nora chuckled, blowing out a puff of smoke. “don’t joke around like that i might get excited.” 

⇉⇉⇉

todd met y/n at the front door of jeff’s overly large house, he offered y/n a genuine smile but it quickly fell when she didn’t return the gesture and kept her eyes trained on the floor. “hey, are you okay?” he asked, reaching to rest a comforting hand on her shoulder but y/n hopped back before he could come into contact with her. todd took her weird demeanor and silence as a sign to go get jeff, he can always cheer her up. 

y/n was terrified to even be in this house, so many awful things must have gone down on this very floor, so much blood. y/n wanted to vomit at the thought. nora’s words continued to fill her brain, how could she have been so clueless? why did she ignore every sign of danger? y/n shook her shook, trying frantically to think of what to say when she heard the footsteps approaching. jeff walked into the entryway with a pair of tan cargo shorts loosely hanging on his hips. he was beautiful, his dark hair and tanned skin, his eyes, his lips, her eyes wandered down to his toned abs. on any other day, y/n would be quick to pounce on the man, she was still urged to greet him with a kiss even after the newfound news.

“s-stop. stay there.” y/n tried her best not to stutter but nothing could have prepared her for this moment, she wished she would have stayed in the car and driven home but her brain never worked when she wanted it to. y/n held her hand up when jeff ignored her wish, taking a few steps back. “please, jeff.”

“baby, what’s wrong? toddy said you seemed upset.” jeff whispered softly, in hopes of not pushing y/n farther over the edge.

“why didn’t you tell me?” a sob fell through the girl’s lips, a sound jeff swore he never wanted to hear as long as he lived. his mind raked with confusion until he noticed the look hidden in her eyes, his girl was scared of him, practically shaking with fear. how had he let this happen? how did she even find out? 

jeff took a slow stride towards her, putting his hands up in defense. “baby, listen to me-”

“stop! don’t lie to me again, i don’t want to hear any more lies! i want the truth jeff!” y/n shouted, her body simultaneously stood a little taller on her toes until she remembers who she was talking to. y/n went into a frenzy apologizing to jeff, while still keeping her distance but he kept coming closer and she knew this was most likely the end for her. “i’m sorry, i’m so sorry, i-i- please don’t hurt me.” 

jeff froze as he watched y/n break down in front of him, he watched in silence as his nightmares came true. “no, no baby.” he reached a hand out to her cheek, whipping away the tears as new ones took their place. “please don’t say that. i couldn’t even imagine laying a finger on your precious body if it wasn’t to worship every inch. i would never hurt you, ever. okay, y/n, do you hear me? now, tell me who told you.”

y/n sniffled, taking deep breaths at their close proximity. “nora did. she said y-you’d kill me once you were done with me.” her limbs felt numb and hollow, this was all too much. jeff cursed under his breath, looking down as he tried to make any type of connection but he had y/n pretty well hidden. 

“i would never hurt you, i could never hurt you. please, please stop saying that, you’re breaking my heart over here,” he said. 

“but you hurt other people.” she whispered, a lump forming in her throat. “how many people have you killed? how many people's lives have you claimed? what’s to stop you from doing the same to me?” y/n rambled on, asking so many questions, too many questions, pumping more worry into her head. 

“because i love you, goddammit.” jeff shouted, running his fingers through his hair, he watched in horror as y/n flinched away from him, snapping her eyes shut tight, awaiting the blow. “i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i just wish you’d listen to me. i love you, i really do. i wanted to make you my queen, we would lead together. i promise i was going to tell you.”

y/n shook her head. “whatever made you think i’d want to do that?” before jeff could answer she raised her hand to stop him, y/n had heard enough. “i-i need time, this is all too much.” she stood up slowly and started backing away from the man towards the front door, y/n wanted to bolt away but she didn’t know how he would react to that. by the time y/n made it to the door, she looked back a jeff to see todd’s hands on his chest. her heart broke but if he truly did love her jeff would let her think things through. 

“my dear y/n, i knew i’d be hearing from you soon enough.”

for the few days y/n had been with ricky she started to remember why she broke things off with him in the first place. he was obsessive, power-hungry, an asshole and he wasn’t him. ricky wasn’t jeff and as much as y/n wanted to deny it, she missed him greatly. maybe she was realizing she loves him but her mind couldn’t shake the thought of who jeff really was and how he had lied to her for so long. 

“god, y/n, i told you no one could treat you better than i can and you went ahead and got involved with a fucking psychopath.” ricky ranted, lighting another cigarette before turning to y/n, eyeing her carefully. y/n knew what he was waiting for and that’s exactly why she bit her tongue. ricky wanted y/n to defend jeff so he could spit a thousand more reasons why jeff is a horrible person and she was stupid for leaving him in the first place but she was not giving him the satisfaction. y/n was starting to realize calling ricky in the first place was a mistake, he clearly had gotten worse since she left; he took her phone, won't let her leave the house, monitors all her meals, and even controls what she wears. ricky was sick.

“my sweet doll, you naive, pathetic precious being,” ricky brushed his fingers across y/n’s chin, scowling as she pulls away from his touch. he was right where he wanted to be, he not only had y/n in his clutches but he had something he could use to bring jeff down. “how do you think i know so much about wittek?” he asked bitterly, the name burning his tongue as he spoke. 

y/n's eyes widen in realization. “because you're just like him.” y/n spoke, defeat clear in her voice. while running from one leader she ran straight into the arms of another mobster, she now more than ever she could be back at home cuddled up with jeff on the couch not stuck in a prison with her crazy ex-boyfriend. 

“no!” he shouted, slamming his fist on the wall. “i am nothing like him, i’m so much better. jeff wittek wishes he could be like me, lead like me, own what i have.” his eyes cast down to y/n’s frightened face, a wicked smile gracing his features. this wasn’t the same ricky y/n used to know, he changed, became a violent version of himself. before he had always been obsessive and controlling but never once had he been violent towards y/n or anyone for a matter of fact. 

“you’re sick, ricky!” he would have thought she knew to keep her mouth shut but y/n was never one to bite her tongue. it infuriated ricky that she didn’t fear him the way she feared jeff, when y/n first called him to pick her up her voice was trembling with fear. why wasn’t she scared of him too? he was just as horrible as jeff, so he thought. ricky grabbed y/n’s arm, dragging her to the living room towards the stairs when a voice halted all movement in the room. 

“it’s taking everything in me to not rip your throat out with my teeth.” jeff smirked at the ricky while basking in his frightened appearance. when he finally found out where y/n was, he went out of his mind, doing everything he could to formulate a plan to get her back or away from that psycho. it was supposed to go down two days from now but when jeff got a text from nora he knew he couldn’t wait any longer to retrieve his girl. 

ricky’s mouth opened and closed, he became a stuttering mess as he tried to form words. “h-how? what are you doing here?” he asked, his grip tightening. sure, he was scared shitless- he’d never actually seen or been face to face with jeff fucking wittek -but he wasn’t going to back down just yet, everyone had a weakness and ricky seemed to have found jeff’s. 

a chuckle could be heard from the mob boss. “newbie’s, man.” he mumbled, turning to todd who had a fancy-looking gun pointed at the rookie. “they’re always so naive.” 

nora made her appearance next to ricky, shoving a needle in his neck before he could react. he slipped to the floor, the hand constricting y/n falling swiftly to the ground with the rest of his limp body. she yelped, jumping away from nora and ricky’s body. y/n was sure everyone in the room could hear her heartbeat rumbling in her chest, all eyes were on her and all y/n could do was stare blankly at them. 

“y/n, come on.” nora coaxed the girl over to her side with a warm smile and a desperate expression, jeff narrowed his eyes as he watched the scene unfold. he knew nora wasn’t completely loyal to him or the mob but he didn’t think she would try and take y/n away from him after all he’s done for her. 

“no, y/n come to me!” jeff countered, earning a highly confused look from the girl. jeff sucked in a sharp breath when nora lost her patience and wrapped her arm around y/n, moving her into a chokehold and pointed a gun to her head. both of the guys pointed their guns at the hostage and her capture, nora had officially crossed the line of his mercy and she would not be leaving this building alive. but before jeff or todd could do anything y/n nailed nora in the stomach, grabbed her arm and pulled it back causing her to drop the gun she held onto right into y/n’s awaiting hand. not a second later she hit nora in the head with the butt of the gun, knocking her out cold. 

“god, she was annoying.” y/n muttered, dragging her hand along her throat. when she finally turned to face the boys with a smirk matching their confused and perplexed expressions. “i can tell by the look on your face, you knew, didn’t you.” 

“i prayed it wasn’t true. ignored it because i loved you, y/n.” jeff said, balling his fist at his side. even aiming a gun at his girlfriend felt foreign, it felt wrong, like he was betraying her and himself at the same time. “after your performance i didn’t believe the rumors but i guess that was a lapse in my judgment, huh?”

y/n internally flinched at the jeff’s use of ‘loved’, she wished the could have met in another light, where they were free to fall in love and be normal- rather than stuck in the life of mobs and mafias. “loved? god, jeff, you both were my targets but somehow i’m gonna get on this helicopter only eliminating one.” she explained painfully, her life with the boy she cares for so much a mere spec now, the life she built was years gone with the simple wave of a hand.  “i-i love you too and i won’t kill you, not now at least, baby. i’ll send your regards to my father.” 

[hardyshoe]

benefits- a roger Taylor series

par five

warnings- language

a/n-this isa bit of a filler chapter but chapter six is the one I'm most excited about writing so expect that very soon. thank you all xx

*phone ringing*

“darling I know your there, I need to speak to you don't hang up” finally one of them called, it wasn't Rog but you were so glad to hear Freddies voice.

 in the last few weeks you'd started to feel really quite down, not leaving the house was really starting to take its toll. however the fear of people knowing kept you holed up inside. seeing how easily Mary had figured it out you couldn't risk having people knowing and the information somehow getting back to him. he still didn't know, not at all. it felt weird that he didn't to you because by now you'd gotta used to the thought of the babies, which at the last doctors appointment were confirmed to be a boy and a girl. you were more than exited to meet them and the weeks just kept going past and your belly kept growing. that was another reason you hadn't left your flat, it was so much effort.

“oh Freddie, I have missed you”

“I know dear and I've missed you too, but we need to talk about roger”

 shit did he know? no there was no way he could Mary had sworn not to tell and you'd seen her just last week.

“oh?” you tried to keep calm but it didn't work and you could only muster a questioning sound.

“hes been off for the whole tour and I know the two of you hung out a few days before we left, did something happen. oh my god! the two of didn't shag did you?!” he didn't know, thankfully.

you sighed and tried to explain, “no we didn't shag Fred, we had a fight actually. he decided not to tell me you guys were leaving until two days before the tour started and anyway I've been too busy to forgive him,” this was partially true, in the last few weeks you had begun to buy things for the babies and set up your old study space as a bedroom. however you were so big it was taking quite some time as you constantly needed to sit down.

 “are you serious? he told us he wanted to tell you when we found out about the tour, we agreed seeing as you two are quite close. so we kept our mouths shut but two days is not enough time.”

“nice to know someone agrees, he seemed surprised when I told him to leave after he dropped that on me. it broke my heart Fred, he knows how proud I am of him, of all of you. and he also knows I don't have any other friends except you guys and Mary. god its been lonely Freddie” 

 Freddie started to apologise on rogers behalf but soon resided to slagging him off for his behaviour. it made you giggle and your hand fell to your rounded stomach where the babies were kicking. “I know, your daddy is a dumbass isn't he?” 

 “what did you just say?” shit had you just said that out loud? 

“...” you were frozen where you were, unable to form words from the incoherence in your head.

“y/n your gonna need to explain that. by the sounds of that you've got a baby. WAIT ARE YOU PREGNANT?” this was not good, so very not good.

“you can't tell anyone Fred, I mean it. you and Mary are the only ones who know and I would like to keep it that way”

“holy shit your pregnant. how far along are you?” he hadn't asked THAT question yet, how you'd get around it this time you didn't know.

“seven months on Friday” that was something you hadn't gotten to terms with yet, in four days you'd have three months to go and you felt anything but ready.

“sorry dear I don't think I heard you, I thought you said seven months.”

 it was that that made you realise how absurd the whole situation was from his perspective, you'd spoken with him once at the start of the tour for a few minutes but that was before you found out about he babies. so for him he was speaking to you again for the first time in half a year and suddenly you’re nearly seven months pregnant. “I did Freddie”

“so you mean to tell me you knew about this before we left and you didn't tell me? I'm offended” he feigned sadness in his tone but you could tell he was a little concerned.

“uh no actually I didn't find out until about 11 weeks”

“oh okay, that does make me feel better. but wait you said...” he paused for a minute, here it comes “oh my god! is it rogers?”

“Freddie please don't tell him I couldn’t live with myself if I wasn’t the one to tell him. Im just so scared he won't want me”

“I won't tell him darling its not my place. your secret, despite the fact it is very large and very shocking, is safe with me. so this means you and roger did shag.”  he laughed to himself after saying that and you to chuckled, it was a bit wild.

“look you lot get back on Saturday right?”

“yes dear”

“come and see me when you get back i’ll fill you in on everything then okay?” as much as you wanted to talk with Fred all afternoon, you were exhausted he hadn't quite thought about the time difference and with all your current expenses you couldn’t afford the phone bill.

“alright sounds good, I cannot wait”

 somehow him knowing was relieving and soon you'd have him to talk baby stuff with. you'd spared Mary from your endless talking about the twins. but now it hit you that in less than a week they would be back and then there was no hiding it.

-Sunday morning-

 “y/n darling I'm here” he called from the other side of the door in a singsong voice and you jumped up, well it wasn't really jumping in your state. you swung the door open and fell into Freddie’s arms, longing for the physical contact.

after a minute he drew back and looked you up and down. “my god your huge!”

you chuckled, “yeah that does tend to happen Fred, can we sit down?”

“course darling” the two of you sat down on the beat up couch and he started asking questions.

“y/n I don't want to sound rude but you’re like really big.”

 you shot him confused look, “well there are two babies in there I'm not exactly gonna be little am i?”

“did you say two? you mean your having twins?” had you not told him over the phone, it was unlike you to leave something like that out.

“yes I did, a boy and a girl” hands on your stomach again you smiled down at your belly.

he gasped “you have got to stop dropping this on me my heart can't handle it”

that lightened the mood and you chuckled at the look on his face. you gushed about the babies and how big they were, told him of how you found out and how brilliant Mary had been the whole time. he could sense your nerves about the topic of roger so he avoided it, though he was curious. 

“do they ever kick?”

“oh you wouldn't believe how much” you giggled and put his hand on you tummy where a few little kicks where coming from.

“how roger could turn away from this is beyond me,” he clamped his hand over his mouth and began apologising profusely.

“its alright Fred, I wish he was with me it is hard sometimes. and it kills me to go to the doctors and see all the happy couples doting over their babies and knowing I'm never going to have that.” again you felt the tears welling in your eyes.

“don't say that, rogers a good man he’ll understand, it was just a one night stand right?”

you shook your head and stared at the floor, almost guiltily. “no, not even close. it was about six months of casual sex. friends with benefits at best”

“I had no idea, well your chances just got a lot better, roger usually doesn't even call a girl after sleeping with her let along keep it up with her for six months. he must be in love with you thats the only explanation”

“I wish he was Fred” you choked out between sobs, this was something nobody knew not even Mary. if anyone should know Freddie should, he’s know what to say.

“you love him don't you?”

you just nodded. not quite able to explain.

[rogersbabyyy]

enemies with benefits, part 2 | roger taylor

summary: Your ‘arrangement’ with Roger (that was born from an unexpected fuck at Freddie’s party) has been working out just fine. But as the insults start to fade, the kisses becoming increasingly tender, you find that you like the man a whole lot more than you’d like to admit.

word count: 4.4k+

warnings/tags: smut (unprotected sex, wrap it before you tap it) A LOT OF ANGST, fluff!!!!!, foul language

a/n- THANK YOU FOR BEING SO PATIENT! enemies part 2 is here! i hope it lives up to your expectations ahhhhHHH im sister scared. i finished writing this listening to elvis ballads and jeff buckley and i feel all lovie and my uwus are ready to be snatched. i’m not entirely happy with this, but then again i never am with anything. i also welcome feedback with open arms so please don’t be afraid to tell me what you think xox

read part 1 here if you haven’t already!

Two months later.

“Y/N,” Roger’s voice and a gentle nudge on your bare shoulder awoke you from your slumber. “Y/N.”

You shifted slightly in bed, subconsciously tugging at the silk sheets that adorned Roger’s bed to cover your naked chest, rolling on your side and feeling a dull ache between your legs. A soft grunt left your throat as confirmation that you’d heard him, and you heard him leave your side.

Opening your eyes ever so slightly, the black spiderwebs of your eyelashes filtered the London sunlight that poured through the open windows in Roger’s bedroom: a rare occurrence in the Autumn months. You caught a glimpse of Roger jumping up and down, trying to pull the skinny jeans that you threw to the floor last night over his legs. Stifling a chuckle, you raised an eyebrow at him.

“What’s so funny?” He grunted, a final bounce allowing the denim to slip up to his hips, his fingers nimbly fiddling with the zip of his fly.

“You look like an idiot.” Your voice was hoarse, presumably from yesterday, your memory of which was still somewhat hazy.

“Mhm, you weren’t saying that last night.” He leant over the queen size bed to kiss your temple, his voice climbing an octave or two as he launched into a rather unfortunate and somewhat unforgiving impression of yourself, “Oh, Roger, baby, fuck you feel so good! Your cock is so big-”

“Oh, that’s rich coming from you, and I never said your cock was bi-”

“Don’t start!” His breath tickled the wisps of your hair that framed your face as he laughed.

“Where are you going, anyway?”

“Thanks to your insistence that I fuck you twice last night, I bloody well slept in, didn’t I? M’late for the studio again, Fred’s gonna have a field day.” Roger’s voice was muffled as he tugged a t-shirt over his head, before peering in the mirror and ruffling his hair as an attempt to look somewhat presentable.

“Can you lock up for me after you leave?” He looked at you expectantly, a keyring dangling from his fingertip. And you hesitated. The simple request made your pulse flutter; that was something men asked of their partners, as they were leaving for work, as casual and unconcerned as asking them to pick up milk or eggs if they got a chance during the day. Whatever this thing you had going on with Roger was, it wasn’t supposed to be like that.

Yet, the two of you found yourselves becoming increasingly comfortable with each other, insults fading to gentle teasing, along with moments where you’d feel his gaze on you when you weren’t looking. Freddie had picked up on the change, giving you a knowing smile when Roger brought you a cup of tea without you having to ask, or when you’d rewrite his lyrics in your spare time to save his bandmates the struggle of deciphering his unintelligible handwriting. Thankfully, Freddie carefully chose not to mention it, but it worried you that after two months of this whole ‘enemies with benefits’ thing, Brian had begun shooting you strange glances.

Brian was, perhaps, your closest friend. You’d desperately wanted to tell him what happened between yourself and Roger since you’d fucked in Freddie’s bathroom at that damn party, but you couldn’t. Roger was like his brother. It felt like you’d betrayed his trust somehow, hiding the dirty secret that was Roger Taylor.

The subconscious nodding of your head was enough to rescue your brain from the spiral it has descended into. “Sure. I’ll come by the studio later and drop the keys off.”

“Thanks, love, but make sure Brian and everyone doesn’t see, alright? Don’t want them asking questions.” He grinned at you, tossing the keys onto the foot of the bed, and you forced a quick laugh in response.

What if you wanted them all to know?

-

Later that day, you were sat in your parked car outside the recording studio, a take away cup of coffee cradled between your hands. You blew the steam rising from the cup, watching it curl before evaporating into the air; and then returning your blank stare to the dashboard. Your denial of having feelings for Roger had left you miserable, and the thought of having to come to terms with it all was frightening, to say the least. With a sigh, you patted down the pockets on your trousers to make sure his bloody keys were there, before unlocking the car door to make your way to the studio.

You pushed the door to the control room open carefully, so as not to make any noise in case they were recording. Roger’s keys were concealed in your first, and you intended to slip them into his palm or on a nearby table when everyone’s attention was required elsewhere. That was the intention, before you saw Roger’s arm around a lovely brunette, who was giggling into his chest. Roger himself snickered around the cigarette balanced between his lips, devouring the girl with his eyes and making no attempt to hide it.

You only realised you’d forgotten to breathe when you suddenly felt inexplicably dizzy, his keys slipping from your sweaty palm and clattering to the ground, catching his attention.

“Y/N!” His grin faded and he rose from the couch, stubbing out his cigarette in the process,  “Are you alright? You���re as pale as a ghost.”

This caught Brian’s attention, who was alerted to your presence as Roger expressed his concern.

“S’just vertigo,” you shook your head once to steady yourself, then leant down to swoop up the metal in one hand. “Here’s your keys.” Your breath caught in your throat as Brian shot you a confused glance. “Um, you should really stop leaving them lying around, Miami told me you left them in his office… yeah. Anyway. I think I left the iron on, so I better get going.”

“You just got here, stay for tea, at least.” Deaky chimed in, his eyebrows furrowed with worry.

“Really, Deaky, I should go. You guys look busy, anyway.”

“Hasn’t stopped you before.” The quip came from Roger, and his words stung you a lot more than you’d have liked to admit. The smile on his lips died quickly as he saw the hurt expression on your face, and you pulled the door open, leaving the studio without another word.

Brian’s voice filtering from inside the room was the last thing you heard before your sobs overtook your senses.

“What the fuck is going on between you two?”

-

What you and he had, it wasn’t monogamous or exclusive. You’d both agreed on the fact early on, giving explicit permission to each other to see other people. He shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, mean anything to you. Above all, you hated that you’d forgotten how to hate him. You bit your lip against a fresh wave of tears and wiped your nose with on sleeve, chin resting on your knee (you’d been perched on the couch all evening, feeling sorry for yourself).

Three quick raps at the door was enough to pull you out of your self-lamenting melancholy trance. You immediately knew it was Roger, and as much as you wanted to ignore him, you couldn’t. You spent a precious moment deliberating this, when a further three knocks prompted you to open the door against your better judgement.

“What happened back there?” He demanded as soon as the door swung open, a hand perched on his hip. “Could you have made it more obvious? Not to mention you looked like you were about to pass clean out, are you okay? Jesus Christ.”

“I’m fine, Roger. Sorry about the keys. Just… Now’s not a good time, alright?” You looked at the floor to hide your face, cheeks most likely streaked with the day’s coat of mascara. Attempting to swing the door shut, Roger’s foot halted it’s motion; and you had no choice but to let him finish.

“Hey… hey.” His voice was soft, earnest, sincere, as he ducked his head to try and get you to look him in the eye. “Have I done something wrong?”

“I just feel so fucking stupid, Roger. I don’t know what I expected, I… I just want some time alone. I think this thing, whatever we had going on, was a mistake.”

“Was it that girl?”

You paused, debating on whether or not to tell the truth. “I never presumed you to only be with me, that’s unfair.” Breathe in, and out.

“I’ve just realised that I like you a lot more than I’d care to admit.” It came out as a whisper, and you were unsure if he’d heard you from the silence that followed your statement; until his fingertips brushed underneath your chin gently to raise your head to meet his eyes. You were surprised to see he was smiling, shaking his head in disbelief.

“You’re an idiot,” it came out in a breathless laugh, “you’re an idiot, Y/N. That girl, all the others, I don’t want them. They’re groupies, they’re so easy and they’re nothing compared to you. S’my vice, and it’s fucked up. I get with other women when I don’t want to think about you.”

“Rog,” you blinked, reaching up to grasp his wrist. “If you’re fucking me around-”

“No. No. Not you. S’why I didn’t want this to be serious. If I ever hurt you,” he swallowed roughly, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat, “I’d have to let you go.”

You inhaled sharply as your eyes searched his despairingly.

“I’ve fucked up every relationship I’ve ever been in, you know that. I’ve cheated on girls, Y/N.” His voice shook and he looked at the ground, his hand residing in his back pocket. He frowned and shook his head, “I can’t be with you.”

“I want you.”

“Don’t, just don’t-”

“I’m in love with you.” In truth, you didn’t realise you were in love with Roger until those words left your mouth in a last ditch attempt to make him stay. The confession cut him off abruptly, and his face crumpled. “I’m in love with you.” You repeated it again, trying to make the words sound right in your voice, because you hadn’t prepared for this.

His trembling hand reached up to gently cradle your face, his fingertips tracing soft lines over your skin. “Silly, silly girl.” A shaky smile tugged at his lips as he leant down to let his lips barely connect with yours, ever so delicately, the touch of a fairy.

“I was fucked ever since that bloody night in the bathroom,” His lips were still touching yours as he whispered, “And because I’m a selfish piece of shit, I love you too.”

“You should probably come in,” was the only thing you found yourself capable of saying, blinking against the sudden pricking of tears that threatened to escape.

He laughed softly, slowly standing up to his full height as tugged his jacket closer to his body against a sudden rush of wind.

“Thanks, m’freezing my balls off out here.”

You opened the door wider to allow him to pass through beside you, before shutting it with a soft click. Seeing him standing sheepishly in the hallway of your modest home was always enough to make you laugh, even tonight. With his leather jacket and aviators dangling from his neck of his shirt, he looked the part of a proper rockstar, and here he was. Surrounded by photos of you cradled in your mother’s arms as a baby, and baskets of laundry that you’d been meaning to sort out for a week.

You approached him shyly, arms crossing over the dressing gown that adorned your body.

“Scared of me?” He frowned, reaching a hand out to you to pull you into his body.

“Not you. Never you.” Your arms wrapped around his sturdy, comforting torso, cheek against his chest. He returned the gesture, as he buried his nose in your hair, arms circling your waist.

“Of getting hurt, then?” He rocked you slowly from side to side, his voice cracking barely above a whisper.

“Yeah.”

His fingers traced your jaw to prompt you to look up at him. He was even prettier from up close, you thought. Your nose almost touching his, you could see the tiny sun spots that were scattered on his cheeks, the stray eyebrow hairs that you constantly itched to pluck. Paired with his unparalleled mind that you’d had the privilege to see in action more times than you could count, he was a breathtaking man.

“It’s going to be alright, ‘ve got you. Mine.”

“Is this a bad idea?” You turned your head to whisper into his neck, and his hand squeezed your arm gently.

“Yes, s’what I’ve been trying to tell you. We’re too alike, you and I. Haven’t you noticed?” He pulled back. “Stubborn. Proud. Determined. Quick tempered, pretentious... I could go on, love.”

You suppressed a smile as he paused, deep in thought.

“But we’ll never know if we don’t give this a go. I love you. I love you, alright?” His hands rested on your arms firmly as he spoke into your eyes,

“Who would’ve thought,” your voice became softer as he drew closer to you, “Us. Together.”

“Fred’s gonna lose his shit.” And he kissed you properly for the first time since he’d told you he loved you, different from the frantic kisses after a studio session with the constant fear that someone was going to walk in, different from the sloppy kisses with alcohol on your breath on Roger’s leather couch. This was almost painfully slow, his tongue gliding beside yours, his arms fully enveloping your body to pull you into him.

“Bedroom?” You murmured, as his fingers swiftly began undoing the first button of your blouse.

“Mhm, you read my mind.”

-

You weren’t prepared for this side of Roger. During sex, he could be almost politely emotionally detached, always determined to show his dominant side with a hand around your throat or letting a string of his saliva drip into your mouth. You weren’t expecting the gentle kisses that laced your collarbones, nor how his fingertips fluttered over the sides of your hips.

“This is different,” you murmured, eyes closed as his tongue glided over a particularly nice spot on your neck.

“Never made love to you properly, s’always so rushed,” he sighed. “Let me take my time with you, believe I owe you one anyway.”

“If anything, I owe you, been so awful…” you trailed off while Roger’s lips continued to travel the length of your body

“Oh, don’t start getting soft on me, lovie.” He laughed, his breath tickling your stomach as he trailed gentle kisses down toward your thighs. “Just ‘cos we’re together now, don’t change, alright?”

Together. If you’d heard those words out of his mouth two months ago, or even heard him merely suggest the notion, you’d have decked him right in the face. Funny how things change.

Your hand easily found its way to tug at his hair as he nicked the soft flesh of the inside of your thigh. “Stop teasing!”

“Sorry, angel… ready for me, yeah?”

You nodded, almost timidly, feeling a strange wave of shyness overcome you as Roger glanced up at you with an eager, desirous look in his eyes. He’d been between your legs many times before, but you were never in love with him. Making love and fucking were two very different experiences, as Roger would agree. Not to mention, you’d never been with a man so utterly skilled and eager to please you

“Nervous? Never thought I’d see the day where you’d finally become starstruck.”

“Shush. Just…” You took a moment to admire how truly lovely he was, his lips a tantalizing shade of pink, his chin gleaming with your wetness as a soft smile played at his doe-like eyes. “I love you.”

His smile transformed into an almost childlike grin, which he, almost bashfully, attempted to hide by pressing a kiss to the top of your pubic bone.

“Love you.”

A soft squeal escaped your throat as Roger took you by surprise, eagerly pressing a slow French kiss to your core. His eyes were shut as he licked a few slow, careful strips over your entrance, his button nose nudging your clit just right. An explicit moan elicited from your lips, prompting him to delve further into your wetness.

His tongue entered you and flicked tongue swiftly against your walls, as he slid a single finger in with it. The pleasure this elicited was sensational, and you let him know, whining obscenities intertwined with his name.

You were squirming underneath his skillful tongue, your thighs convulsing as you gripped his hair desperately, and when he added a second finger, you knew you were done for.

“I’m so close, oh my God-”

He hummed softly against you, his free arm hooking around one thigh so he could press his mouth as close as possible to your clit, nicking the bundle of nerves ever so slightly with his teeth before easing the sharp pain (that was just the right amount) with his tongue.

Choked moans left your lips as your back arched, his skilled mouth leaving you unable to even speak.

“Say my name. Say m’name, lovie, wanna hear you…”

“Roger...Roger, R-Rog-”

His name left your lips in a tumble, like a prayer, your chest heaving as you pressed your pelvis toward his impeccable mouth. Your orgasm washed throughout your blood like a wave, to the point where tiny silver stars interrupted your vision. Clenching your thighs around his head to keep him in place, you shook violent against his very touch.

His tongue didn’t stop, not even as you finished, and you cursed, tears from the overstimulation stinging your eyes, as you tugged at his hair to pull him away.

“Too sensitive, too much, Rog!” You whined, and he finally pulled away with a satisfying pop, his chin glistening with your wetness. His brows turned inward, looking concerned as he saw a tear track its way down your cheek.

“Didn’t hurt you, did I? Oh, love.”

You shook your head, shakily propping yourself up on a couple of pillows so you were able to grip the back of his head and kiss him, tasting yourself on his lips. A soft whimper left his throat as he rose from his knees to meet the kiss

A sort of empty feeling had arose in your pelvis, along with which came an insatiable thirst to have him inside you. It almost made you upset, something which only added to your post orgasmic hazy tears. You just needed him.

“Felt so good,” you sniffed, “So good.”

“Why’re you crying, then?” He asked, delicately stroking your cheek with the back of his fingers.

Shaking your head again, you fumbled for the bulge in his trousers, evidently straining against the restriction of the fabric.

“Jus’ want you,” you murmured, “Let me.”

“Nope.” He caught your wrist, smiling against your skin. “Tonight’s ‘bout you, angel, remember?”

“Rog,” you whimpered, “Want you-”

“You’ve got me, love-”

“No, no. Want you. All of you.”

You looked upward, desperately searching his baby blue eyes as you intertwined your fingers with his. He looked taken aback, something that was utterly unusual for Roger.

“You mean without-?”

“Yes.” You sighed, squeezing his hand. You’d never done it, had sex, that is, without protection. Roger was, of course, privy to the fact that you’d had limited sexual encounters before him, and they hadn’t exactly been fantastic. But a sudden urge had overwhelmed you to feel him, and all of him, now.

“What if-”

“It’ll be okay.”

“If you’re positive, love.” His eyes softened as he kissed your hand, his mouth lingering as he awaited your response.

“Never been so sure in my life. I love you, Roger.”

“I love you, I love you, I love you.” His lips found yours once more, the kiss becoming messy and passionate as he pushed you onto your back. You giggled at the sudden movement, legs circling his waist as you found yourself underneath him once again.

You reached down to his belt, and this time, he didn’t stop you. You unbuckled the leather in a practiced motion and easily slid it through the loops of his jeans, throwing it with a clang to the floor beneath the bed.

“Careful, s’was expensive.” He grinned, his fingers already tugging at his fly.

“S’pose you haven’t got any money from all those best selling albums, then? Twat.”

“Watch your mouth, darlin’, don’t make me tease you…”

“You wouldn’t.”

He paused, making a show of considering your statement.

“You’re right, I wouldn’t. Not when I want you this badly.” His words dissolved into a playful snarl as he placed a wet kiss on your neck, simultaneously shrugging off the denim that hugged his thighs.

The aching, empty feeling in your pelvis returned, and you whined.

“Need you. Need you, now…”

He silenced you with a quick peck as he removed his boxers, his cock slapping his tummy, the head a pale shade of scarlet with droplets of precum leaking from the tip. It looked almost painful, and yet he took particular care to maintain a calm manner

“Shh, shh. I’ve got you, yeah? Got all the time in the world. Wanna make this special for you.”

“It’s already perfect.”

His cock nudged your entrance unintentionally as he re-positioned himself closer to you, and you hissed, a noise which he silenced with a soft kiss.

“M’not gonna last long.” You whispered, your forehead pressing against his.

“Oh, neither am I, can tell you that right now. Not when I’ve got the most lovely girl,” he brushed away strands of hair clinging to your temples, “in all of London, perhaps even the world,” he grinned, “underneath me.”

You laughed breathlessly, shaking your head at his words.

“Be quiet, silly boy.”

“Apologies, m’lady.” He smile softened as he gazed at you lovingly. “This is going to feel different, alright? Better… a lot better, actually, but jus’ prepare yourself, alright? Don’t want t’give you a shock.”

Roger gripped the base of his cock and gently pushed past your folds, and you immediately shuddered, your eyes rolling back in your head. Having his skin against yours so much more intimate than you could have ever imagined, especially being able to feel every imperfection and bump. Condoms could sometimes leave you rubbed raw, especially at the speed Roger tended to achieve, but everything was already so much smoother and utterly perfect. The both of you fit together like a jigsaw puzzle, he wasn’t too big, you weren’t too tight. Perfect.

“Alright?” He murmured, sighing into your neck. “You’re so warm, fuck, feels s’good…”

“Can feel everything,” you breathed, nails digging into Roger’s back as he continued to slide further into your warmth.

“Me too, angel, Christ-” His eyes fluttered shut for a brief moment, and you yourself gazed at him lazily through your lashes, drunk on lust and love and all the feelings that you had for the man.

“I’m so in love with you.” He whimpered, supporting his weight on one arm as his free hand cradled your cheek. “M’ so in love. Don’t deserve you.”

“Stop saying that, Roger.” You whispered, both of you inhaling sharply as your walls briefly spasmed around his cock. “We deserve each other. You’ve got me forever if you want me.”

He smiled, pulling out halfway before slowly bringing his hips back to meet yours. “I’ll always want you.”

You tilted your chin up to kiss him as he thrusted into you once more, as your fingers, seemingly having a mind of their own, found your throbbing clit, desperate for more friction.

“Nope,” Roger gasped, brushing your hand away to replace it with his own, something you were grateful for; his touch was forever superior to your own. He nimbly rubbed against the bundle of nerves, applying just the right amount of pressure that you whining and bucking your hips to meet his touch.

“Roger, oh my-”

His speed increased in a perfectly timed crescendo; his incredible in-built sense of rhythm always left you astonished, both in the bedroom, and in the studio.

“Fuck, baby, feels so… s’good, s’good…” you gripped his shoulders desperately as he rocked against you, biting into his shoulder in an attempt to quieten your moans.

Roger transferred his weight onto his elbows, so his forehead was against yours, the new angle allowing the head of his cock to nudge a soft spot inside you that caused you to cry out.

“Tha’s the spot, yeah?”

You nodded frantically in response, not trusting your voice. Craning your neck, you watched him sliding in and out of you, the slick, heavenly, wet sounds of skin on skin only pushing you closer to the edge. The sensation of him, bare inside you, was almost, almost, simply too much to bear. Even Roger, a man who you’d once called a whore, was seemingly overwhelmed, his face contorted with pleasure as his grinded his hips against yours.

“M’gonna… cum…” he grunted, his lips parting as he moaned your name desperately, burying his head in your neck. “Where’d you wan’ it?” His words became slurred, his thrusts becoming sloppier as he began to lose himself to the wave of euphoria he was about to experience.

“Stomach,” You gasped in response.

Roger quickly, yet gently, pulled out of you, your sheer amount of wetness making it an easy task. He fisted his cock furiously, pumping his length, as he threw his head back, and it was his turn to chant your name.

“Y/N, fuck me, love, m’coming… oh!” Expeditious white, hot ribbons of cum shot onto your pelvis as he growled, strands of his tousled blonde hair clinging to his forehead. “Fuck, fuck!”

You furiously rubbed tight circles over your clit at the sight of him coming undone, and came again yourself, your orgasm creeping up on you without much warning. But, soon enough, you found your muscles seizing, eyes fluttering, your entire body feeling like it was on fire; in the best way.

Roger collapsed on top of you just as you finished, fighting to catch his breath.

“Gonna get cum on you,” you breathed, referring to the mess he’d made on your belly.

“Don’t care,” he panted, pressing light, butterfly kisses over the span of your chest and collarbones. “Beautiful, beautiful lady, n’all mine, too.”

“All yours.” You smiled, kissing his cheek and taking his hand in yours.

“I’ve waited so long to hear you say that. Almost didn’t think it was gonna happen.”

[buckyspetpsychopath]

We’re perfect

David dobrik x reader

Vlog squad

A/N: this was requested, and I wrote this from my phone notes so I hope this is ok! 😊

Masterlist

I open the door to David’s house instantly hearing the laughter and chatter. I smile and walk in and over the the living room where everyone was sprawled out. Carly is the first to notice me there and smiles, getting up to hug me. I go around the room giving people hugs after not seeing them for a week. When I make it to David the first thing I notice is his pissed off expression. Everyone falls back into their own conversations as I sit myself down on davids lap like I usually do.

“What are you doing here?” He hisses and I’m a little taken back.

“Uhm I texted you. But you didn’t respond and I saw on Instagram that people were here and I haven’t seen you for a couple days so I thought I’d come over.” I mumble and he scoffs.

“When I didnt respond wasn’t that an indicator that I didn’t want you to come. You’re always here, I need some space” he whines pushing me off him onto the couch next to him. My eyes fill with tears but I look away from him.

“Fine, whatever have your space I don’t care” I hiss back at him quietly before standing up. I cough a little to choke back my tears. “Uhm. I just realised, Ive got somewhere I need to be and I’m gonna be late so I’ll see you guys later” I announce to everyone and a round of see you laters arise.

“Will we see you tonight?” Corinna asks and my eyebrows furrow in confusion.

“Tonight?” I trail off and everyone seems to look at each other oddly.

“The party? Here...” heath exclaims, assuming I’d know there was a party thrown by my boyfriend at his house. I clench my jaw and look towards David. He sinks deeper into the cushions and I scoff.

“Oh yeah. I forgot. Uhm, I’ll try and make it over” I say and everyone woohs. David makes no effort to say goodbye to me so I storm out the door and go home.

I spend the next few hours getting ready, making sure to look extra good. When it’s time to go I uber over to davids, not taking the chance of driving and being too drunk to drive home. The music is thumping as I step out of the Uber, thanking the driver. I walk up the path and open the door. The party was in full swing. A lot of people fill the house making it smell of sweat, alcohol and pizza but it’s nice. Everyone is chatting or dancing. I look around for David but can’t seem to find him when I feel a tap on my back. I turn around and my eyes widen. One of my best friends from back home is standing in front of me.

“Dylan!” I squeal and dive into his arms. He spins me around and I giggle. He sets me down again and I furrow my eyebrows. “Not that I’m not excited you’re here but why are you here?” I question and he smirks holding his hand up. I see a ring on his engagement finger and my jaw drops. Him and his boyfriend have been dating for around 5 years- high school sweethearts I guess.

“I’m engaged bitch” he grins and I jump up and down like a kid.

“Wait what? When? How? Who proposed to who? I better be a bridesmaid” I ramble and he holds my shoulders stopping me from talking. I had caught the attention of a couple of people and they look over curiously.

“I proposed to him and obviously he said yes. Of course you’re my best man- woman” he says and I grin flinging my arms around him.

“Where is Adam?” I ask before I feel arms wrap around my waist spinning my around. I squeal and laugh as they set me down. I turn and see Adam with three plastic cups in his hand.

“Hey, I was getting us drinks” he smiles and then sees liquid on the floor that used to be in the cups from when he spun me around. He shrugs and wraps his arm around me looking down at me. “Did he tell you?” He asks and I nod.

“Congratulations” I smile hugging him properly.

“We need to get a picture so I can post my congrats on Instagram” I laugh and they roll their eyes. We go off to find a nice place for a picture. I call Natalie over as she is closest to me and ask her to take a couple pictures, she agrees immediately.

We take one normal smiling photo before we take a couple goofy ones. We finally take one that we’re all happy with and thank natalie.

“Hey, who are those guys?” Mariah asks.

“Ohh. It’s not like that. They’re gay, they’ve just gotten engaged! They’re my friends back home. I don’t know who invited them here but here they are” I smile.

“Oh. I mean we knew you’d never cheat on David but it looked a bit suspicious until you explained” Liza exclaims and I laugh.

“No other than a real drunk night in high school involving a game of truth or dare when Dylan and I had to kiss- there’s nothing there, he’s completely gay and infatuated with Adam.” I grin.

“And you’re too infatuated with David to even comprehend the glares he’s sending you right now” Kristen giggles pointing behind me at David, who was in fact staring at me angrily. He rolls his eyes when we make eye contact and stumbles off with his camera.

I sigh and follow after him. He stands alone in a secluded part of the kitchen.

“Hey I was looking for you where have you been” I smile trying to lighten his mood.

“Sure, you didn’t seem to be looking for me. Had your hands all over those guys. I mean what the fuck. If you’re gonna cheat on me, don’t do it right under my fucking nose. Wait until your in private, slut” he spits and my eyes widen. He bumps my shoulder roughly as he passes me and makes me topple over, slicing my palm open.

“Wow David calm down bro” heath jumps between us.

“David, you need to go cool off” zane pushes him away as he stands looking at me angrily, unfazed by my bleeding hand. Natalie rushes over with a kitchen towel wrapping it around my hand. I look at David hurtfully.

“What the fuck? I didn’t do anything wrong. If you took any notice of me at all you’d know they’re my friends-who are gay and also engaged. You’ve been too busy ignoring me all night and for the past week at that. If you’re gonna break up with me just do it like a man. Now. Don’t be a pussy and drag it out” I yell at him. His eyes widen and he steps towards me, I flinch and move behind Scott. The most pain I’ve ever seen flashes behind davids eyes in that moment.

“Are you scared of me?” He mumbles. By now, the music had been turned off and everyone was watching our argument. I avoid eye contact with him as a tear slips out. My hand is throbbing and I look down at it, the blood has soaked throw the towel.

“Fuck, can someone please help me clean my hand” I sob. A couple people step foraward but David beats them to it.

“Let me do it” he states. Zane and Scott look at me for confirmation. “Oh come on. I’m not gonna hurt her.” He groans. “Just let me help you, please” he chokes out, looking directly at me now. I bite my lip and nod. We silently go into the bathroom as he seats me on the counter. He closes the door and reaches down under the sink to retrieve the first aid kit. He pulls out the supplies and silently starts cleaning the cut. I hiss but he continues.

“I’m sorry” he whispers.

“That’s your apology” I roll my eyes.

“I wasn’t finished.” He grits. “Im sorry for how I’ve been treating you, it was killing me ignoring you.” He states.

“Then why were you? And what’s with all the stuff tonight, you’d know I’d never cheat on you”

“I just... it’s gonna sound so stupid.” He sighs running a hand through his hair. He’d finished bandaging my hand now, it wasn’t deep enough to need stitches, so I put my hand on his cheek. He sighs leaning into my touch. “I was avoiding you, and being mean to you because I was falling for you -way too hard and way too quick.” He exclaims and I stay silent, nodding for him to continue. “I just... with Liza, it took me so long to fall in love. Not for any reason, we just took things slow. And she’s the only real girlfriend I’ve ever had. Then when I met you, I fell so so hard. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. And I got scared, things were moving too quick between us, I panicked” he shrugs.

“I think things are just fine. So what if we’re moving a little fast, we’re at the right pace for us” I smile softly.

“I know it’s only been 4 months but I’m in love with you” He whispers.

“I’m in love with you too” I whisper back after a moment of processing his words. He looks relieved as he places a deep kiss on my lips. “I’ve missed that” he grins moving into kiss me again. We pull away from each other with little grins that cannot seem to leave our faces. I hop off the counter and lace my non bandaged hand in his as we leave the bathroom. Our immediate friend group are sat in the living room- most likely trying to hear our conversation and hopefully failing. Everyone else had left.

“We sent them home” Todd speaks up when they see our confusion. We both nod and David pulls his hand away from mine, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and pulling me close to him. He leaves a kiss on my forehead as a small grin makes its way onto my face.

“Sooo you guys are ok?” Carly asks, speaking up for everyone. I look up at David and smile making him lean down and kiss my nose.

“Yeah were good” I confirm and everyone let’s out a sigh of relief.

“I thought we were gonna have to choose between you guys and I couldn’t do that” zane sighs dramatically making me giggle.

“We’re good” I repeat looking up at David again.

“We’re perfect” davids smiles pulling me close to him again. A warmth spreads through my chest and I feel like a little girl who’s crush just admitted that he likes her back- all giddy. Everyone starts filing out and then it’s just me, David and natalie. Natalie heads to her room and David and I head off to bed.

“What you’re not gonna edit anything?” I ask, which is seemingly all he does lately, he barely sleeps. He shakes his head.

“I don’t have to post until tomorrow, and I wanna spend some time with my girl tonight” he states, bringing my hand up to press a kiss to my bandage and I blush. The warmth rising in my chest again and butterflies rushing through my stomach when he calls me his girl.

“I love you” I whisper.

“Im never gonna get tired of hearing that, i love you too, let’s go to sleep” he laughs pulling me over to his bed to cuddle.

[socialoutsiderwritings]

Carpool Harryoake

 Harry Styles x Reader

 A/N: Uhm I’m in literal tears because this fine ass is turning 25 in like 3 days .... WOWOWOW my hearttttttttt. Also , i don’t own any of the song’s (lyrics)???? Lyrics are in italics. It’s probably written really weird with like the lyrics and everything but I literally dreamt this and I had to write it.

 Songs : I do it so well - the struts , isnt she lovely -stevie wonder , smells like teen spirit - nirvana , one thing , diana , over again , wolves - one direction.

  “I’m so nervous,” you spoke to Harry. “I already told them I can’t sing. I’m literally tone deaf.” You laugh. “I hope they cut my nagging out.” You laugh and reach towards the radio to play the first song. 

  I've been talking shit almost every single day Walking down the streets of sunny LA Watch me now, walk, talk, movin' 'round the corner, "Hello" I work harder than a sauna

I've been flying high almost every single day

Pushin' all my luck, it's goin' my way

Kiss me now, tongues, hands slidin' into places, "Hello" Speed up, picking up the paces

Why don't you ring it, come and ring it Come and ring my bell Why don't you bring it, come and bring it Come and bring me hell Don’t I do it so well? I do it so well Don't I do it so well? Uh-huh Girl, you're my holy, you're my holy You're my holy grail Yeah I'm a star, yeah I'm a star I'm a five-star hotel Don't I do it so well? I do it so well Don't I do it so well? Honey

 “I love that song!” You exclaim. “It really got me pumped.” 

 “You should have let me drive. I never get to drive.” He playfully whined.

 “Oh , like you’re any better.” You playfully smacked him. “My first carpool karaoke , how am I doing so far?”

 “Uhm , well , you have a lot of energy and dance moves for someone who’s driving. Im a lil’ scared.” He confessed.

 “I can drive with my eyes closed , what are you talking about!” 

 “Oh my god! Please don’t do that.” He grabbed on to the wheel as he saw you close your eyes. You laughed before opening your eyes again.

“Today’s a special day , innit?”

Harry smiles, “it’s my birthday.”

“Tha’s right. You’re like , what , 30?” You joke. 

“Ha ha. No. I’m only 25 thank you very much. Let’s go back in time shall we?” You squealed in excitement when the familiar tune started playing thru the speakers.

  Isn't she lovely Isn't she wonderful Isn't she precious Less than one minute old I never thought through love we'd be Making one as lovely as she But isn't she lovely made from love

Isn't she pretty Truly the angel's best Boy, I'm so happy We have been heaven blessed I can't believe what God has done Through us he's given life to one But isn't she lovely made from love

  “Oh my God. I remember watching your audition and I got goosebumps all over. Look,” You held your arm out in front of him , “and you still manage to give me goosebumps again.” 

 “I was really nervous that day. I don’t know if you could notice it.” 

 “No , not even one bit. But I do remember the OUTFITS!” You cackle. Harry covered his face to hide the smile playing on his lips. “I mean , we’ve all had that phase.” You tell him to make him feel better. “I have pictures of me in just really really , you know , just dark edgy outfits. And not the fashionable kind. I had a bunch of band t-shirts that I paired with checkered skinny jeans and animal beanies and God it was bad.” You scrunch your face up at the memory. “And it was all heavy eyeliner and my arms were covered in bracelets up to my elbow. I can’t believe my mom let me go out like that.” 

 “You have to let me see those pictures.” He laughs. 

 “No way! Never in a million years.” 

“That’s not fair. You saw all of mine.”

 “Because they were pap shots.” You mocked him. “I actually probably burned all of them if I’m honest.”

 “You listened to a lot of rock music back in the day then?” 

“Oh yeah.” You nodded. “Still do. My taste in music is all over the place. If I like I like it , really. But really my heart will always belong to punk rock.”

 “So do you know this one?” He smirks. You pause the song when you recognize it and look at Harry.

 “You know I do! But its gonna have to be all you , because I will literally shatter all the windows on this car if I even attempt to sing this.” Harry ignores you and plays the song. “Oh my god.” 

Load up on guns, bring your friends It's fun to lose and to pretend She's over-bored and self-assured Oh no, I know a dirty word

Hello, hello, hello, how low Hello, hello, hello, how low Hello, hello, hello, how low Hello, hello, hello

You look out the window and notice the girls in the car next to you are waving at you while recording you with their cellphones in their other hand. You tap Harry and he props himself up on his arm to look over. He waves at them and tells them to sing with you two.

With the lights out, it's less dangerous Here we are now, entertain us I feel stupid and contagious Here we are now, entertain us A mulatto, an albino, a mosquito, my libido Yeah, hey

 The car behind you honks for you to go and you wave at them before speeding off. “That was good.”

 “I heard you used to have a lot of One Direction poster sin your room when you were younger.” Harry giggles.

 “I did. And I have no shame.” You point out. “Plus I know my sister told you and I know she’s gonna watch this so,” You look directly in to the camera , “you better watch your back cuz you’re gonna pay for revealing classified information.” You joke. “Plus,” you turn your attention back to Harry, “it’s not like every other girl in the world didn’t have posters of you boys at one point in their life.”

 “You were a pretty big fan then?” You nod. “Well then let’s play a game. I’ll play a song and we have to figure out what lyric comes after.”

 “I am gonna murder you in this game. I know ALL of them.”

 “I was in the band!” He argues. 

 “Yeah , yeah.” You wave a dismissive hand at him. “Are we doing all the albums or?”

 “All of the albums. Are you ready?” He says as he holds the phone in his hands.

 “I was born ready , baby.” He laughs and presses play.

Now I’m climbing the walls. But you don’t notice at all. That I’m going out of my mind. All day and All night.

“Easy!” You yell when he presses pause. “So get out , get out get outta my head. And fall in to my arms instead. I don’t , I don’t don’t know what it is. but I need that one thing.” You belt out with passion.

 “I gave you an easy one. Ok , next one.”

 Let me be the one to lift your heart up and save your life. I don’t think you even realize Baby , you’d be saving mine. Diana

“Oh shit.” You laugh. “Wait no, I know this.” 

 Harry cups his hands over his mouth , “Fake fan. Fake fan.” He chants.

 “No! I know this one..” you tap your fingers on the steering wheel impatiently, “Ok no. I don’t know.” You slowly lower your head so your forehead is resting on the steering wheel and fake sob when you reach the stoplight.

 Harry mockingly clears his throat, “It’s only been four months but you’ve fallen down so far. How could someone mislead you at all? I wanna reach out for ya. I wanna break these walls. I speak a different language But I still hear your call.” He sings. You turn your head to face him and he pretends to drop a mic.

“We’re tied! So it doesn’t count.” You sit up straight again. You focus back on the road as Harry chooses another song. 

 And I can lend you broken parts That might fit like this And I will give you all my heart So we can start it all over again

 “Again we can take the same road two days in the same clothes And I know just what she’ll say if we i can make all this pain go Can we stop this for a minute You know I can tell you that your heart isn’t in it or with it. Tell me with your mind body and spirit , I can make your tears fall down like the showers that are British,” You drag a fake tear down your cheek , “whether we’re together or apart We can both remove the masks and admit that we regret it from the start. If you’re-” Harry places a hand over your mouth.

 “I get it. You know the lyrics.” He deadpans. “You’re so competitive.” He jokes.

 Your jaw drops at his comment , “me? Look who’s talking.” You laugh.

 “Last one.”

I aint up for debating , Aint enough for the taking , You got the whole world shaking.

 “in the middle of the night when the wolves come out , headed straight for your heart like a bullet in the dark. One by one , I gotta take them down But you run and hide , aint goin down without a fight.” You and Harry sing in unison.

“No , it’s almost over.”

 “Thank God. I’m starting to lose my hearing.” He covers his ears.

 “Rude.” He laughs and reaches over to give you a quick squeeze. “Anyway,” you playfully push him away, “this last one is one of my favorites. So we’re gonna do something big.” You smile mischievously. 

 “Now I’m really scared.” He tells you as you pull in to a parking lot of a bar. You hand him a blindfold and he hesitates before grabbing it form your hand. “You’re joking?” You smile as you shake your head. “You know this is recording right?”

 “Harry , just put it on.” You tell him before stepping out of the car.

 “You’re missing the main part of carpool karaoke.” He yells at you before you slam the driver’s door shut. You wait for him to put on the blindfold before grabbing his hand and helping him out of the car. “The last time I went along with something like this , a stripper was involved.” He told you as you continued to lead him. 

 “Yeah , well you’re not getting that lucky today.” You stopped when you finally made it inside. “On the count of three,” you let go of his arm and walked away from him , “take off the blindfold. One , two , three.”

 “Happy birthday to you,” you , his mom , Gemma, James and a few of his other friends began to sing when he removed the blindfold. He couldn’t help the grin that made its way on to his face. Anne lit the candles on his cake as everyone continued to sing. He wiped away the tears of job from his eyes before they could make their way down his face. 

 “You were in on this?” He points to James as he walks over to him when you had all finished singing. James just laughs and gives Harry a tight hug. He makes his way around the bar hugging and thanking all of his guests.

 “Hey. Don’t forget to blow out the candles.” You call to him. He rushes back tot he table where the cake is , “Make a wish birthday boy.” You smirk.

 “I think you know what I want.” He whispers to you , before lowering himself and blowing out the candles. 

-------------

Part 2 COMING SOON 

[sugarpun-fairy]

18 - WARREN WORTHINGTON III X OC

Summary: a small thing based on the song “18″ by Anarbor but with a fluff ending 

Word count: 1,407 

Warnings: i almost cried writing this but its fluff so idk

A/N: SO you’re probably gonna see a lot of Graces and Maddys in here because they’re my babies and i like writing things to make them feel better

and my baby Grace deserves the world so yeah, i made this to her as a “thank you” for keeping fighting everyday 

love you b @imaginesandideas

-x- 

He parked the motorcycle pretty close to the school exit, knowing exactly what everyone would go out saying.  

Eighteen, crazy Pulled up in your daddy's car You wanna move in with me Guess we're off to a heavy start

Should've seen this coming From a mile away Eighteen, crazy I know what you want from me I know what you want from me

Her long ginger hair swayed from one side to another, tied up in a high pony tail with a golden bow matching her red, white and golden cheerleader outfit, as she ran to greet him with a tight hug and a deep kiss. All eyes on them as the scene happened.  

“How was your day baby girl?” he asked with a smile, wrapping her waist with both arms.

“Quite boring actually. Guess I should have texted you to pick me up earlier.” she pouted. “How was yours?”

“I just stayed with the boys and waited ‘til it was time to come pick you up.”

“Grace?” the girl’s sister called approaching the couple. “Warren?”

“Hey sis!” the younger sister smiled.  

“Jean.” the boy nodded with his head.  

“I’m going home with him today ‘kay J?” the younger ginger said biting her lower lip. “Sorry I didn’t tell you earlier.”  

“It’s okay... Just be careful okay G?”  

“I always am!”  

“Don’t worry Jean, I’ll take care of her.”  

“You better.”  

So if you wanna piss off your parents Take me to scare them Show them you're all grown up If long hair and tattoos are what attract you I would've tracked you Baby then you're in luck And I know it's just a phase You're not in love with me You wanna piss off your parents, baby Piss off your parents That's alright with me

“Grace, honey, who was that boy that drove you home today?” the woman asked while serving the dinner.

“Oh, he’s my boyfriend.” Grace answered with a smile, her ginger curls moving softly as she turned to her father who had just choked on his drink.  

“You left Ben to be with that boy?” the man asked harshly.  

“I didn’t leave Ben. He left me.” she corrected him. “Warren is a nice guy, dad, I swear! He’s one of Scott’s friends from college.”  

The sentence made the two adults turn to their older daughter in expectation of hearing a denying.  

“He is. They’re not really close since Warren is closer to Alex, but he’s a nice guy” Jean defended the argument.  

“I don’t like him.” the father stated.

“You don’t have to. I’m already eighteen, dad! I’m not a kid anymore! Shouldn’t you trust my decisions? Trust me? Support me?” Grace argued.  

“Grace Grey, you might be eighteen...” he tried to say but the sound of her fork hitting the plate stopped him.

“Don’t even come with that ‘while you live under my roof’ thing because it’s pointless. And above anything meaningless, after all you made a person, not a puppet.” she continued.  

“Don’t talk to your father like this, young lady.” her mom said in warning tone.

“Is it so hard to trust me like you trust Jean? When did I disappoint you that bad to deserve this?” she added before leaving to her room wiping a fake tear.  

You know I'm broke So you pulled out your daddy's car I drink, I smoke You ended up from the very start

Should've seen this coming From a mile away I'll play your game I know what you want from me I know what you want from me

“How did they react?” he asked leaning closer to her. She smiled and shrugged.

“My dad is pissed but I threw some drama and mom came to talk to me after dinner. She said that he might not like you but she’ll give you one chance.” she quoted. He laughed.

“That’s a good sign.”  

“Yes indeed.”  

He leaned back against the fence and lit up a cigarette.  

“Can I ask you something?” he whispered blowing a cloud of white smoke. She nodded, leaning on the fence but on the opposite side. “Do you hold any grunges against your sister?”  

She bit her lip, thinking about his question. That was never something she had ever thought about. Yet he was right in thinking about that. After all she came to him, asked him to pretend to be her boyfriend only to prove her parents that she had grown, that she wasn’t a kid anymore. But there was another factor on this story: Jean.  

There was something about how she was the perfect student, the perfect daughter, the perfect girlfriend to her perfect boyfriend, Scott Summers, that drove her crazy. Living on her sister’s shadow for so long was a completely acceptable reason to do what she was doing.  

“Unconsciously, maybe. Jean always supported and backed me up, always...”

“If you want to give up...”

“Oh, no, I don’t. Who knows if I didn’t make all this up just to have a chance with you because I have a thing for bad boys?” she joked.  

“Who knows.” he repeated with a smirk, exhaling another cloud of smoke.  

So if you wanna piss off your parents Take me to scare them Show them you're all grown up If long hair and tattoos are what attract you Baby then you're in luck And I know it's just a phase You're not in love with me You wanna piss off your parents, baby Piss off your parents That's alright with me

He didn’t believe her “thing” on him would last long. But he couldn’t lie and say he didn’t like the way her hair seemed more ginger with that golden bow, or her lips met his every day after school. Or her arms around him when he drove her back home or to a date. He went to er school games just to see her cheering. At that point he just decided he would enjoy the time he had until she found some prep guy and leave him.

But the months passed and she wasn’t showing any sign that she would. The year went by and she started college but were still with him. Her parents started liking him and she kept calling him baby and sending him dorky pics while studying. Her roommate was already getting used to walk in and catch them both making out or sleeping together. She was still whispering love confessions to him while she thought he was asleep.  

And that was driving him completely mad.

“Aren’t you tired of me already?” he suddenly blurted out walking in her dorm room. “Didn’t you get more freedom from your parents? Why are you still with me?” he questioned crossing his arms against his chest.  

She sat in her bed, looking at him mildly scared and took a deep breath.  

“I know you won’t believe me if I say that I fell for you. But I did.”  

“How? How can a girl like you fall for a guy like me? You’re the perfect girl from the suburb. I’m the guy with daddy issues and smoking problems. You clearly deserve better!” With that words he realized how bad he had fallen for her as well. But he wasn’t selfish enough to keep her with him.

The room fell in silence while tears ran down her face and his.  

“As the younger child I grew up learning what I wanted, needed and deserved.” she whispered. “I just never thought I would find something that would fit the three categories.”  

“I’m not good enough for you Grace.” he mumbled.  

“Yes, you are! And that’s why I love you! Please believe me Warren!”

“You’re too naive, baby doll.”  

He turned around and walked to the door, ready to leave. The cold metal of the doorknob mixed with the sound of your sobs made him shiver. Did he really wanted to leave? Did he really wanted to do this to her and himself? Did he really wanted to throw away this chance, a chance he could never have again in his whole life?

He took a deep breath, running his finger through his blond curls and pushed the door, closing it with a bang. She screamed, scared.  

“But you’re my naive baby doll.” he proclaimed making his way back to her and cupping her face. “And I love you.” he whispered drying her tears with his thumb and kissing her deeply.  

-x-

taglist: @southside-sweets @batboys-and-other-messes @grandmascottlang @underoosstark @imaginesandideas 

requests are OPEN but i still have a few to do so they might take some time BUT THEY WILL BE POSTED I PROMISE 

and if u wanna be tagged in my next pieces just hmu 

im always open to make new friends so if you wanna just talk about life hmu too 

[myuun]

i feel like every once in a while i want to make a whole rant here just for the good ol times. plus i think everyone across the world is most likely asleep or busy and i kind of like being in between that time. 

ive been meaning to rant but i feel like i dont have any right to really complain about anything really. i dont have it that bad. i have a wonderful husband. three cats. i have food and a roof (lol while it lasts). idk i feel like my complains are very minor. 

but tbh i dont really have any friends and any friends that i did/do have i kind of dont. i use the term friend... very lightly too. theyre.. people. idk i just... kind of destroy friendships and/or ignore them enough that they just kind of disappear. friendships are like a plant. i kill plants and/or forget they need water. or my cat eats them. 

i went through a period when i began dating jack that i felt so enthralled with the idea of my entire life being dedicated just for him. my everything is just... for jack. everything. i dont need anyone or anything else. i know how unhealthy it was. hell, i’m still sort of like that. of  course, jack isn’t like that back. jack is a smart human being, he has healthy relationships with many people and i just happen to be his wife. i know how much he loves me, cares for me, and when i dont dig too deep into my own insecurities of him hating me, i truly believe that we are equal in how much we care for each other.

lol when i dig though, thats another psychotic story im gonna tuck for a later cry 

i think it was last year when i got the smallest taste of a world outside of just jack. my volunteering position in the animal shelter i volunteered at escalated to assistant, and within that role, i held a lot more power than just a volunteer. i was in charge of adoptions and that... to me was power. and i loved it. i loved staying there all day writing notes into the computer, talking to people, showing them dogs. and my god, i knew i did an amazing job. i know i do. i know that i am confident, capable, and dedicated. i know. 

and for the first time, i really meant when i said, “i am good at this”. i never ever believed that... ever. I have hobbies and shit like drawing, but i never considered myself good. but i know with all my soul i was good at this. and this is the point where i discovered that this is what i wanted. i had found a bridge outside of my world dedicated to jack. and jack was happy for me. and i was unsure. but excited. 

dropped out of school, focused on working at a doggy daycare with the simple dream of one day having an actual job at the animal shelter i work at. there isnt a high turnover obviously. i told everyone. everyone. everyone. and finally... a job application. i was interviewed. 

i was a perfect candidate. my life has been a dedication and exploration of my love for animals. 

i didn’t get the job. 

i had gotten rejected many many many times. many times. 

but this is the only time where it hurt with every ounce of my being. i sobbed my eyes out. 

the only reason i didn’t get hired... was that i couldn’t drive. 

i could hear my dad laughing in the background. 

that was the only thing and i knew how important it was, but i was more than willing to learn and get a car and figure it out. i would take ubers and friends and whatever to get me to  where i need to be.  i thought that my own desperation and commitment would get me by. 

i had no money, no car, no one to teach me, but god in my heart i wanted this more than anyone. and the girl who got it... all i needed was to see who it was for my whole spirit to shatter. i didn’t know her that well, i had spoken to her a fair amount of times. i knew she had dogs, she was a foster, she worked with animals. she was radiant, a light, a beautiful girl. her entire life she knew this was for her. she hadn’t taken the courses in animal care i had, but she was ready to learn and most of all... she had a license. 

it shattered me. everyday it shatters me.

and i could get another job. 

i could. but what else is there in this city? someone tell me, anyone. I had asked everyone around me, what else? What else? Please someone GUIDE ME. 

 I have no job because I can’t legally have one due to my visa not having arrived yet. The job waiting for me is a casual job at a doggy daycare. I live in a small city where the jobs are scarce and the only thing that could possibly POSSIBLY set me straight into the animal care business would be studying. i can’t get a car to get any other possible job. hell, i can’t even afford the fee of the drivers license test. 

But I’m a girl without a job and with a dad who will be disowning her at the end of this year.  Who’s only revenue comes from her amazing husband who breaks his back working casual hours and studying. I can’t even think about studying when I don’t even have the money to pay my rent. We are so... so close to getting evicted. Inches away. 

I could get any other job, I could. And I will. But i know that if I want to stay in this city and be happy, that that is literally.. the one and only job I want and probably won’t ever get. 

 I could move. I could. But what about my cats? What about everything we have here?  I could sell everything, our TV, or couch, our kitchenware, and just go. Take the three cats, and go somewhere else in this country. But no matter where it would be, I would still be... like this. In this spot right now, in a bed, typing something that doesn’t matter because the only solution is just to have money. 

that is all. just money. i could study animal hydrotherapy if i had money. i could pay my bills on time or even buy a house if i had money. i could take driving lessons if i had money. 

i want to have faith. i want to believe in god. i want to believe that there is a reason why all this is happening. that there is a reason why this entire year so far has been so so hard. that there is a reason why this month has been so hard. 

i know its my fault. its my fault i am scared of driving. its my fault i never got my license. its my fault i don’t try hard enough to keep friendships. its my fault. but why.

why does my dad have to come to this country in the worst of times? is it to mock me? is it to show me that he is the man with all the money who could change our lives but chooses not to? 

why did a dog have to die on jacks arms? why did it have to happen? why did this have to happen at our daycare and change everything for everyone forever? 

please tell me what to do. please god, just give me ... a sign. Any sign. i love this city so much i just want to stay here and work here at a job that i love and be with my husband. i just want to work and earn a living and be happy. 

it pisses me off that i was so close... so close to feeling like i amounted to something more than just jack’s wife. 

before i met jack my life amounted to nothing. which it was so easy to give it up. so easy to call it quits and go die somewhere. my life now amounts to being jack’s wife. i dont have the option anymore to die. i can cut myself over and over but i know ill never take the plunge anymore because i cant. 

 i find it funny that when i say i dont want to die to doctors, they sound so relieved. i want to disappear. i want to disappear just for a while and wait until the world fixes whatever i cant fix. 

but i know that the world doesn’t give a shit. god doesnt give a shit. 

i found a glimpse of something else. i found a little crack that showed me that i didn’t have to be just jack’s wife. i didn’t have to dedicate my entire being to him. i always felt like jack’s knight. he is the person i will die for. i will protect. and i still am his knight. but i never felt worthy enough to be a ruler next to him. 

and i thought that if i could also show him that i can be something great too like he is, if i could show him that my life can also amount to doing other things besides being by his side, that i could prove to him... and myself, that my own life has meaning. 

i dont really know anymore. 

there is nothing i can do but wait. i can just wait until my interim visa is over and my visa arrives. i can wait for that moment. but what then, what will i do then?

i really dont see a path anymore in front of me. i dont see anything at all

[acupofmatt-blog1]

I Don't Wanna Love You Anymore → MARA :(

Tagging→ @acupofmatt @acuplara

Location→ Lara and Evie’s apartment

Date→ February 16, 2019

Summary→ Lara comes back into Matt’s life with a simple text. Old Matt might’ve replied, but Matt’s different now, so she goes to Lara and Evie’s apartment to confront Matt. Turns out, Lara’s a little different now, too.

NOTE: This is painful as fuck

LARA

i just wanna let you know im back in the city and im sorry for the shits i did to you before ok? i know we aint gonna be chill rn but thats ok i can handle it. i just want you to know im sorry and everything. i hope youre good n shit Shrugging her shoulders, Lara hit 'send' on her phone before tossing it onto her bed. She knew that her being back in the city after months was going to cause some waves with a few people, but she did not have it in her to care. Her fingers gripped the zipper of her suitcase, unzipping it before she began the journey of unpacking her clothes. Her time away with family that she hadn't really met before had been humbling. She was under the watchful eye of her father for most of the time, which meant she was hardly under cause to misbehave like she normally would have outside of the US borderlines. Now that she was back? That was a different story. However, she wasn't an idiot. She knew that her biggest problem was going to be with Matt, and for good reason. Whenever Lara had left, she knew that she had ended things horribly with the girl. She was scared and quite frankly, her sudden departure to Singapore with her father was something that sat wrong with her for a while. It was wrong. It was mean. It wasn't her. As time passed though, Lara realized it was probably for the best. Matt deserved better than someone that was going to flake because things were growing serious. Shaking her head, Lara gripped her emptied suitcase before she was exiting her room to store it in one of the hallway closets. Her roommates weren't going to be home for a while, and it was more than a good enough time to spend some quality time with the joint located in her pocket.

MATT

Matt was on cloud 9. Things were looking up for her. Reagan decided to give them a chance. They weren't official or anything, but Matt was committed to making them work. She wanted this. A new start. Whatever past mistakes she made in other relationships, Matt was not going to bring to this new, potential one. No lies, no leading on, no hot and cold, no communication, no walls--no. Matt was still the same, but emotionally? She grew the fuck up. It took her a while. A long, long while, but Matt liked where she was. After Lara left, the first few weeks, Matt didn't sleep with anyone. Because Lara was going to come back. It was a test. And Matt wasn't going to mess up this time. But then? Weeks turned to month, then months. And Matt knew she wasn't coming back. So she slept around. A lot. Way too much. Matt held it the fuck in. Until she couldn't--because Matt wasn't that girl anymore. Matt allowed herself to feel. So then she laid it on the table: Lara left her. Lara wasn't coming back. That's when Matt cried to herself for a while. Until she got over it. It helped not seeing Lara. It made it easier to forget how she felt. And then things changed. Matt met Reagan and there went Matt again--putting up walls. But she couldn't. Matt was different now. She couldn't put up walls to Reagan. Things got complicated, but now they were here. Getting somewhere. Matt could really see things looking up for her. Then her phoned chimed.

Matt expected it to be Reagan. They had been texting since Matt got home. But no. It was Lara. Matt dropped her phone when she saw the text. What the fuck. Matt's first thought was to run away. Hop a flight to Chicago and never hear from anyone ever again, but Matt wasn't a little bitch. She was going to deal with this. Once Matt read the message, Matt realized she wasn't a little bitch--she was a BIG bitch. And she was pissed. Three months. Nearly four. And this is all she gets from Lara. The months of pain, of crying herself to sleep, of waiting, of longing, of anger...and all she gets is "sorry for the shits i did to you?” “Are you fucking kidding me?” Matt asked aloud with a bitter laugh. “Fucking unbelievable.” Matt could leave it on read and move on. But no. Lara couldn’t even say what she was sorry about. Was she even sorry? Sorry that she left? Matt said it was for “understandable reasons” that Lara left but what was the reason? Matt did EVERYTHING right. Matt owned up to her mistakes and worked HARD to fix them. Lara just leaving was not an “understandable reason.” And Matt needed Lara to know that.(edited)

So Matt grabbed her phone and bag and headed to Lara and Evie’s apartment. Matt hadn’t been here in months. It felt like a distant memory. A memory she could barely remember. Matt scoffed. Fuck the sentimental bullshit, Matt was pissed. Matt immediately knocked on the door and as soon as it opened, Matt’s breath hitched when she saw it was Lara. Lara. Her firefly. Her Lara baby. The girl Matt was a little fool for. The girl Matt was in love with. The girl Matt called her fucking fresh start. The girl that left her. Twice. The girl that broke her heart. The girl that almost made her quit on love. Matt composed herself and looked straight at Lara. “Sorry for the shits I did to you? Do you fucking call that an apology? We need to fucking talk. Because I do that now. Not that you’d know anything about it.” Matt pushed past Lara and stepped inside. Matt had balls when she needed them.

LARA

As Lara lit the joint in between her fingers, she managed to walk around her apartment. She needed to get reacquainted with everything, and the best time to do that was whenever Evie wasn't home. Truth be told, she had been home for almost 24 hours, and most of that 24 hours had been spent with all the talks and conversations and catching up's between her and her best friend. She was out of the apartment now, so Lara was having some alone time. She puffed on her joint as she made her way into the kitchen, living room, and landed back in her bedroom. God, it was almost pathetic the amount of memories that were located in such a room. So many fights and make ups and happy memories lay within the four walls and honestly, it was suffocating. She felt bad for the way she had left things with so many people, and quite frankly, she was happy to be back. She was better. She was braver. She was... apparently expecting company. At the sound of the knocking on her door, Lara put her joint out, leaving it laying haphazardly in the ashtray on her desk. She would revisit that little buddy later on. "Coming," Lara shouted, unsure of what was going to meet her. Either Evie had forgotten her key, there was some strange surprise Postmates driver for her, or someone had gotten word of her being back. Or... "Um..." Lara mumbled as she opened the door, immediately hit with the fiery words of the one and only, Matt Solis. She hadn't expected her to show up at her door. Maybe she wasn't as brave as she thought she had become.

"I admit the delivery could have been better," Lara started as she sighed out her words, pushing the door to a close before resting her forehead against the material as she waited. She hadn't prepared for this, and quite frankly, the slight buzz that her smoking had caused was clouding her judgment. "I... do you want to start or should... I?" She paused momentarily as she turned around, meeting the eyes of her ex... girlfriend? Things had been murky on what they were before she had left but god, they had been something beautiful. "You look.... pissed, look I'm sorry, Matt. I don't know what else you want me to say here." Her words flowed quickly out of her lips as she stared at the girl before her, knowing that she was the one in the wrong here.

MATT

God, Matt both wanted Lara to shut the fuck up because the shit coming out of her mouth was aggravating her, but she also wanted her to say MORE than whatever bullshit she came up out with. "I am pissed. I'm pissed about a lot of things, actually. You know, I thought seeing you again I'd be this big, stupid ass fool running to your arms again, but ha, you got me fucked up. I'm angry. I'm upset. You..." Matt shook her head. "I don't want your apology, Lara." Matt looked at Lara. "I want you to say to my face exactly what you did. Say that you left. Say that you fucking walked away. Say that you're a fucking hypocrite. Say you're just as bad as I was for just. saying. words." Matt felt her eyes well up because God this was a lot happening right now. "And fucking say you're a coward. A big fucking coward who couldn't even talk to me, but fuck yeah...you could fuck me, right? You fucking ate your words, Lara. I was just another body to you, in the end." Matt shook her head. "So go. Own up to your shit. Because I'm not leaving until you say something." Matt wanted to scream, if she was being honest. Matt wanted to break down in tears and just sob because why would Lara show up now? When things were getting so good for Matt? When Matt was finally becoming better? "You have a lot of fucking nerve sending me a simple text like that when you did more than that. You...let me tell you how I felt. I felt like shit. I felt abandoned. You didn't even--you couldn't even--" Matt felt her lower lip tremble and Matt forced herself to hold it together. "I felt like it was my fault and that I did something to mess it up since most of the time, it was always blamed on me. That I wasn't ready. That I was the one that put up walls. That I was the asshole who couldn't give such an amazing girl a chance....so tell me."

LARA

The more that Matt spoke, the more that Lara felt her defenses crumbling. She knew that she was the one in the wrong between the two of them, but knowing and admitting were two very different things. However, Matt was right. Matt was right about every single thing that she was saying, and Lara knew that. "Matt," Lara started before she was raising her hand to pinch the bridge of her nose. She really wished that she hadn't smoked before Matt had showed up at her apartment. Things were far too hazy for her to genuinely discuss and paint a picture of how she was feeling about things. "Can I just... can you just give me... a second? One fucking second." Her voice was short and curt, knowing that she was more aggravated with herself than absolutely anything that Matt was saying. "I left. I walked away. I'm a fucking hypocrite. I'm a coward. I'm everything, okay? I saw a way out whenever it came to going to my cousins wedding with my dad and I went with it. Leaving was easier than dealing with... I don't know, trying? Trying to make things work whenever I was going to be a world away. I don't..." Lara paused for a second as she swallowed hard, looking down at her hands as she began fiddling with her fingers. "I don't know what the fuck I was thinking whenever I left, but I just know that I am sorry for how I left things. You don't have to believe me for even a fucking second, but I just need you to know I am sorry. And I-I..." Another pause. Lara brought her hands up, running her fingers through her hair as she looked anywhere but at Matt. It was easier to ignore the rising feeling of panic if she wasn't looking at the girls tear filling eyes.

"I never want you feeling like shit or abandoned or... or any of that shit. I never wanted that but I just... I don't know. It's not your fault. Nothing about this is your fault because you were... you were perfect. You were doing everything possible to make me feel safe and secure and I ruined it. And I know I did that. And I'm sorry for that. I don't know... what happened in my head to think that it was fine leaving, but I did. And now we're here and I just..." Lara paused once more as she wet her lips, throwing her arms out at her sides before shrugging her shoulders. "I'm not asking for anything. I just... thought you should know directly from me that I was back. I didn't want you hearing from anyone else or seeing me out or... or I don't know. I'm sorry I sent just a text."

MATT

Matt closed her eyes as Lara spoke because she was trying not to glare at Lara. Granted, Matt wasn't being very chill at the moment--Matt was still working on the whole execution of talking about feelings. But she was trying--more than she could say about Lara who gave her yet another bullshit answer. Matt took a deep breath as she looked at Lara. "I felt it. And for a long time, I acted like I deserved it for the shit I put you through but I don't--I didn't. You know what I deserved? I deserved for you to talk to me. I deserved you to fucking tell me you couldn't do this. I deserved you to not be a fucking coward who runs away. That's what I deserved Lara." Matt took a good look at Lara. It was the same girl physically. Same Lara. But everything else? It felt like looking at a different person. Matt didn't know who this was. Her Lara? No. Not that Lara. It felt odd. It felt like talking to a stranger. And what a tragedy that was--to have so much history with a person and for it to go back to being strangers. "Don't call me that. Perfect. I'm not. I'm working on being better. I'm not perfect, but I was so ready to try to be better. For you. For me. For us. I had so many hopes and you broke them. You tore them up. I was ready to give up on love completely because I thought nothing could compare to you. Ever. You were it to me, is that what made you run away? Did it fucking scare you that someone wanted you so badly?" Matt felt tears running down her face. "Did it terrify you that someone changed for you? That someone loved you so fucking much that they were willing to do anything to have you. I was a god damn fool for you Lara, and you stepped all over it." Matt paused. Lara just ran away. Things got scary and she ran. Much like Matt back then. But it was more than that.

When Matt slept with Scout, Matt was compared to Lara's mom. That Matt was no better for leaving. And then when Matt physically left to Chicago after telling Lara she loved her, Matt was once again no fucking better than Lara's mom. Made her feel that same abandonment. Well, this time, Matt felt a lot like Lara did back then. And Lara? Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. And the realization hit Matt like a pile of bricks. "Jesus..." Matt trailed off as she put her hands on her face and sniffled. "Lara..." Matt sighed. "You...you're..." Matt sighed again. Matt couldn't say it. How could she? It was a lot. It was heavy. It was the truth. And Matt didn't say just words anymore. And Lara had to hear this. Because this is how Matt felt. And Matt was still so god damn angry. “You’re still not admitting to anything. You’re just saying my words back to me. But when are you going to fucking admit that you’re exactly like your fucking mom?” Matt spit out. “You’re just like her. You leave…every time it gets hard. And you gave me so much shit for it when I did it. But you? You do the same thing! The moment things are great for us—that fucking…that terrifies you. So you leave. But you don’t fucking let me GO.” Matt let out a shaky breath. “You cling onto me, still, and then you come back and pull me back in and I fell for it every. damn. time. I’m done. I’m not going to be used anymore. I’m not that girl anymore. I’m not that fucking Matt. I’m not your fucking princesa anymore. Because this time around I’m trying to look out for myself and by doing that, believe it or not, I’m looking out for you. So can you at least fucking admit that, Lara? Can you at least admit you’re a flake who can’t stay for me, but you’ll still hold on for dear life? That you leave and make me sit around and wait for you to do it all over again. I’m your fucking drug Lara…you only come to get your fix and then you leave…I’m not doing that anymore.”

LARA

With every passing word, Lara felt herself shrinking in size. Not physically, but mentally. Emotionally. Spiritually. She knew that everything Matt was saying was right. She had changed everything about how she was with relationships to be good enough for Lara and Lara ruined them. She sighed heavily as things progressed, knowing that she was the epitome of a fuck up. She had left Matt with no word and was now going to have to face the consequences. She knew this and there was no arguing that. However, whenever the conversation flipped into something more, something heavier? Lara's eyes immediately switched to Matt. Her eyes bored onto the girl's face as her eyebrow raised at Matt's words. When are you going to fucking admit that you're exactly like your fucking mom?

The words felt like ice being thrown on her body. She felt like she was going to be physically ill with the way her body was heating up with anger. "Get out." Lara said, her voice soft as she closed her eyes, shaking her head in disbelief. "Get the fuck out, Matt. Get. Out." Regardless of the truth that could be lying with the girls words, there was far too much residual pain from her mother leaving her and her father for Lara to begin to sort through. Much less, hearing the words coming from someone like Matt. She knew that she had said a thing or two about Matt being just like her mother whenever she had left before, but it was a different form of malice in her mind for Matt to be throwing her words back at her. Throwing her life experiences back at her. "Get the fuck out of my apartment, Matt. I'm not fucking kidding. Get out. And fuck off." She felt tears stinging her eyes as the words circled around her head, mudding the way that her thought processes were working. Her mother had left because there was something better for her lying in the form of another man other than her own husband, not because she was scared. It was something that, if in a different mindset, Lara would have been able to clarify about, but instead, she was resulting in anger. Shutting down. Despair. Regardless of what it was, Lara felt like she was about to break down in the fiercest of ways and the last person she wanted around for the show was Matt fucking Solis.

MATT

This always happened. Matt opened up about something--something honest and real--and Lara kicked her out. The last time? When Matt told Lara she slept with Scout and leading Lara on to something neither understood yet. This time? Because Matt told Lara something Lara needed to hear. Just how Matt needed to hear Lara tell her months ago the pain she felt for what Matt did with Scout. For taking Scout back. For leading her on. For saying just words. For never letting Lara in. For always being emotionally unavailable. Matt listened--it hurt like a bitch, but Matt still listened. But Lara? When she heard something too true? She resorted to either running or pushing you away. Matt chuckled dryly. "That's familiar. I've heard that before. This is you pushing me away but the moment you start to miss me and need that fix? You expect me to come crawling back." And a part of Matt hated that this was true.

"I don't expect you to admit that truth to yourself. I'll leave, Lara. I'll fucking go. But don't expect me to be that idiot that crawls right back to you. The moment I step out of this fucking door, I'm gone. I'm no longer...I'm not yours anymore. Because you can't even give me closure--or maybe this is fucking closure. Seeing you for who you really are." Matt voice cracked as she felt tears coming down her cheeks. "So if you tell me to leave again...I'm gone. You don't get to have me anymore. I just want you to know that." Matt shook her head. "It kills me to say that. It does." If Matt was going to leave, Lara had to know. About Reagan. And why walking away from this. Their history. Their tragically beautiful story...it was a little easier than she thought it would be. But maybe it was also because she saw Lara clearly this time...and she felt like a fucking idiot. And she didn't want to feel that way anymore. "I found someone, Lara. So don't think I'm coming back to you. You fucked up. And I deserve to be happy and if you won't even give me this...closure? Fine. But at least you can see yourself for what you are." Matt walked towards the door slowly, waiting to see if Lara would stop her.

LARA

Lara tipped her head back as she heard Matt beginning to speak again, wanting more than anything for her to stop. Everything to stop. She needed a breather or twenty so that she could deal with everything that was getting thrown at her. She needed things to take a moment. Take a seat. Take a break so that she could catch up to everything that was happening. Matt was being so brutally and painfully honest with her, and all Lara could do was freeze up and ignore everything that she knew was most likely right in the end. She swallowed hard as Matt was turning to leave before she was shaking her head. "I never expected you to be here waiting. I'm a fucking idiot and a bitch and an awful person, but I never expected little Mattie Solis to be waiting here for me. I have more fucking respect for you than to believe that." Lara delivered with a cold voice as she exhaled shakily. She needed to try and find some sort of calmness from within her. Matt was being real with her. Honest. She couldn't fault her for such a thing. "I want you... to be happy more than anything and I just... I'm not going to get in between that, okay? I'm not. But you do not have the...." Lara felt her body tensing up again at the simple thought of her mother before she was exhaling shakily and shaking her head. "Just... go. This is your closure. Whatever you're wanting this is..." Lara paused for a moment as she felt the tears welling in her eyes falling down her cheeks. She felt panicked. She felt anxious. She felt like a goddamn mess, but that was okay. She was allowed to feel that. "I hurt you and I know I did. I'm not... I don't... Expect anything but I can't... Just... please? Please go. I..." She shook her head before shrugging her shoulders once more and laughing pathetically. "Go be happy with your someone new and good and... better than me. Just go."

MATT

More than anything, Matt wanted to wrap her arms around Lara and kiss her and tell her she loved her, still, and apologize for being too mean and that it wasn't true. None of it. And that they could just be happy. But that wasn't reality. What Matt said was true. Should she have said all at once? No. That was kinda...a lot. But Lara needed to hear it. Even if Lara hated Matt for the rest of her life... Matt had to. It didn't matter, anyway. Whether Lara hated her or not, they weren't the same anymore. They were two different people. Two ghosts of their past selves clinging onto their back trying to revive what they use to be. But it was dead. They were dead. And it pained Matt so much that she started crying and nodded. "I'll go." Matt managed to say. "I don't know if I'll be happy like you say...but I'll go." Matt opened the door and paused. "I hope you'll be able to see what I was trying to do...sometime in the future. I hope you're able to see it." Matt said before walking away and closing the door, making it to the end of the hallway before leaning over to let out the sob she had been holding back the entire time. Because Matt knew. She lost Lara completely.

LARA

As Matt walked out the door with her final words, Lara was following her. She said not a word as a reply, but the moment Matt was pulling the door shut behind her, Lara was pushing it shut with a loud bang. She felt panicked. She felt like she was about to pass out from the anger that was riddling her body. She felt like she was about to drop to the floor with the guilt and regret that was washing over her. A part of her knew that Matt was right. The going was getting good, but it was way too good. So she walked away without a second glance. She knew that there was a part of that that was right, but she didn't care. She couldn't focus on that right now. "Welcome fuckin' back, Lara. You piece of shit," she spoke aloud to herself as she shook her head, allowing her foot to collide with the door in front of her in a last ditch attempt to be angry with Matt. She knew Matt was right, but there wasn't a chance in hell that she was going to work herself through that right now.

[brokenhayatim]

we might be dead tomorrow

[now playing the maze by manchester orchestra]

yesterday on a call, i had a moment of real possibility in having the decompression surgery. my neurologist last week said it was what she recommended and that chiari could be the cause of it all. so once i had it, they would most likely be gone, along with my headaches, then the meds i take would no longer be needed. it all hit me hard today and im feeling many emotions at this person who barely considered doing it for months. for god sake, i was in the hospital for it, a situation i never thought i would be in. (inshallah never again) 

you know some part of me loves being told i have a high pain tolerance, a big  part of me loves being poked with needles (!!) and loves looking at my mri’s. oh story time, the day my neurologist said something was different, aka wrong, i smiled in the chair and asked if i could look at it and went “ah cool!.” she gave me the wildest look but described all the brain anatomy stuffs to me. I told my therapist of this moment and he went “.oh...you were happy?” [types some notes on his computer] and i realized, normal people don’t do that and i probably said that badly with no shame. i wasn’t particular happy, but i was nowhere near sad or scared, i was excited. i think my dissociation makes me almost see everything as not mine. those aren’t my scans so i can be exhilarated and so curious about everything. or it could be that pain just isn’t something i worry or care for anymore. months later, i laughed bc something else being wrong with me, it’s almost fate. sometimes i wish i was terrified, but i didn’t care for it. i already had bad headaches, so what?

over these last few months though. it’s like i’ve made room in my home for it, i’ve become familiar with it, not so much comfortable, but so familiar that it doesn’t matter in the big picture. a secret: sometimes i feel really impressed and good when i tell of my imbalance issues, (vertigo), numbness in my limbs, the tinnitus and the nausea. sometimes..i wish i had more. i feel proud of myself when people have headaches, like i know the worst of that pain, and i’ve been through it. i don’t know if it’s because i want to be validated in having it or if it’s just how i am like that. i wish i could tell my sisters and everyone a whole list of symptoms, but all of them seem so useless and mediocre. i sometimes want that attention from just collapsing; but ironically, i hate being bothered and cared for with it. i found meaning in it all, i found a whole part of me within it all. i had headaches for 6 years before i, simply, told my general physician, and since then it’s been 5 (way too long of) mri’s and an EEG (that was certainly a moment). i wished, back then, i had seizures too. we called one of my pain symptoms “brain shocks” for years with that creative name and made it into this freeze “game”, and i just mentioned that two years ago in a visit. half of my identity is just on having headaches, of being in pain around people. and i’m stupidly fucking (sorry last day of ramadan) scared of losing that. i’ve taken more medications pills than i can count, and i know their purpose pridefully well. i’ve given advice based on that pain, i’ve helped someone with that pain. i’ll never be ready to lose that. i think of it and i imagine myself more empty. full of nothing.

the reason i’m writing this though wasn’t all that. i woke up and just felt this aching shame and sobbed, still am i can barely see, in my bed (so much snot). i’m so scared, more than anyone can possibly try to understand, of it all being gone. of never having to take a pill for this anymore (i still have dat mental illness so not those), or of never needing the knowledge of different types and locations of headaches. i’ve began to feel prideful in having a neurological condition. it makes me something, i have something i can tell. this is the thought that started the spiral. i feel something with this pain. what will happen when i can’t feel this anymore? what will i turn to next? what does the loss feel like? (is that corny or shallow bc it sounds so??) my therapist asked me ‘why i didn’t want to rid it?’ and i was like ‘i genuinely don’t know’ to which he replied ‘i think you do’ and i was all sIR i legit don’t know pls tell me. i made up this random guess and stuttered through it, it felt out of body almost, leaving my lips. what if getting rid of this physical pain forces me to submerge myself in my emotional pain and deal with that? i feel like i have none pls..me?? i’m chill sans the moments like this. (he also says my tether to pain is like penance, some kind of self punishment i feel i deserve..so lettuce chill bro). but the physical pain of headaches, the imbalance, the dizziness, even the numbness in my legs, i always feel something. it’s something i can remember in my head then move past. and when i remember it later, it’s intoxicatingly satisfying and i want it to happen again. i wish i collapsed or had to crawl to my room more often. i like..want to boast about it?? i remember that moment vividly being a ‘this is it’ one too. i was home alone crawling to my room bc my legs gave out and i needed my meds for my pounding headache, and i genuinely thought i was gonna die there on the floor. that moment of me hating and scared of it though is so fleeting, only lasting the day probs. and a part of me will always hate it. that’s normal. but that’s not strong enough to overcome me. it’s bittersweet.

“it’s not the same, but it’s similar to people losing their limbs, or injured so badly they’re forced to give up their career, or an addict quitting using drugs.” sure, but you can notice, you can see all that. this is all in my head.  unless you see my mri’s you would never even guess. it was why i wished my diagnosis was something with seizures, at least that’s something noticeably neurological that i can recognize myself. (am i a bad person? baby no doubt.) my old roommate once said she didn’t even know i had headaches often because i never complained or mentioned it. i would just go to the pantry and take my pill as you would with a cookie. and i’ll never be any other way, and i never was. i grew up closing the bathroom door when i threw up, washing my face after crying and walking back in the kitchen to my mom. i grew up missing moments of laughter and joy with my sisters to just lay in a dark room in pain, being checked on at the some time in the night. even to this day, i will sit in lectures when my head is pounding and i know i’ll throw up soon. anyways, my three sisters were talking about one of the other’s qualities and how amazed they are bc ‘they would never’. one of them had actually gone to class, and i softly mentioned how i am like that too, i think i’ve missed three classes in my four years (minus calc bc the class was more confusing than teaching myself). i said i’ve sat through night classes with headaches and with no meds for three hours and they were like mmm. i almost felt jealous that she always spoke of her small and big achievements, and i speak of none. no one even knew my major till this year. why, allah, why am like this? what made me too reserved and careless of myself? my education is the only thing that makes me feel worthy in the eyes of others...so mine, and i never even share it. it’s that, perfect on paper, that’s how i want to be. (because i know i’ll never be otherwise) i get up in a week of seclusion & sobbing and head off to class, sometimes i cry in class (iconic moments truly, your glasses hide wonders). last year i was sitting in this three hour class with excruciating (and i don’t use that lightly) pain in my head to the point where i had to cradle it with my hands and nearly bang it against the table from thrashing, i was in the middle of the room so i did a 10/10 job at playing it off. i never went to the bathroom or even home early...because i had another class after..which it persisted in. i had never felt that before in my entire life. another day, i silently cried like you wouldn’t believe in the bathroom stall (after uncharacteristically leaving the room) then wiped my tears, fixed my makeup and went right back into class. anyways does that even matter? am i even strong? i want to be so badly. for real this time, not this image. and i’m not. i’m barely enough as it is. 

odd tangent: i don’t care enough or at all about the people i should and i lie to make em feel good and feel better. i know people that love me would still, with this loss of pain, but i doubt myself, and i underestimate them yeah. i say 'them’ like i care what half the people in my life think or care about, it’s just noor and rose. i love rose but i don’t bring these things up, i don’t normally update and i don’t think i’ve ever opened up about my trauma enough for it to mean more than anything superficial. we have this beautiful relationship, yet i don’t find purpose in telling her if need not be, maybe one day. it’s different with noor. i babble all the damn time about everything and feel myself have no filter with these things. i mean, i mention noor to rose too, as if she’s a mutual friend. i care for them both. i love them both in different ways, both ways that are rare for me. rose wasn’t the first person i’ve met or cared about, but she was the first person i remember loving the way i do. i wish i could describe how i feel for noor simply, but i can’t. there was a long-while where she was more important to me than my family, even my sisters (i know, i was like uhmmm). i’ve written something, poem or prose, of almost everyone that was close to me aka 4 peeps (let’s not get wild here). and yet, i’ve written nothing of noor. i’ve written for her yes, but not of her. i tried and it’s arguably the hardest thing to do and i’m quite adequate at writing, if i do say so myself. i tried once in 2017, i stared at the screen for so long just backspacing bc nothing made sense. she’s my emotional support high school sweetheart that renders me powerless with my own words. (does that help?)

back to our scheduled program:  physical pain. it’s been maybe 10 years now that i’ve made a home for it. sometimes the lights go out when it gets bad, and sometimes i decorate with flowers when it excites me and brings something new. the house is probably the ugliest thing you’ve even had to lay your eyes upon, but it’s the best i got and it’s mine to come home to. i wouldn’t give her up without a fight. and i think that’s what my mind has been doing for so many months. trying to save my home, trying to keep every symptom of pain that i have. one day i’ll have to move out or i just die in here. both are changes i just can’t seem to make. i feel like i’m running out of time to sell it and move out, to do something and get rid of the pain. and, i feel like i’m making a mistake choosing to die in here, ignoring it and having it stay or get worse. if it gets worse, i’ll need help and the day i stop feeling like a burden to people, especially my family, let me know would ya. i don’t even often know how to ask for help if i wanted it - and then there’s being cared for that’s a nope to me. i can handle every moment of my pain from all my symptoms and condition, and yet i’m the weakest person in so much. i’m not a person that fears much, most times i find it impractical honestly. i reminded myself of that on my bedroom floor last year in february, during a moment of weakness. (also yes i use a lot of home analogies in writing ok) note: i’ve been mulling through this surgery decision for maybe a year on end now.

do i wish i was scared and worried to feel an ounce of normalcy? of course. but i’m not, i wasn’t even relieved with the diagnosis that day, went out and got pizza broo. even when i thought i was going insane. because what does it matter if it doesn’t change the pain? it’s kind of strange, but when i think of all this physical pain ( is it mental too idk??), i hear this voice in my head that smoothly and confidently says “gimme all you got.” i daydream of how much more i can take, what different things my brain and body can devise before i crack. and, obviously this voice personified does this...with finger guns.