#im saying too much lemme focus on going home lol

[softshuji]

God i love the petname angel so much

[rainingspellforlove]

falling again.

Tell me once again, tell me you love me like, you did that day.

 I couldn't believe it, everything about you was like looking in the mirror, we were so much alike. 

 But your lips that had spoken of love, don't say a word like they're locked shut, I can't understand with my heart, why you said you loved me. 

 But now you're trying to run away 

                                                                              Baekhyun - Love Again

The continuation of shouldnt have. 

It's been three months since then. Hyukjae been living well in Tokyo. He did his best to overcome his broken state. He did many things there and it really helped him a lot. He did yoga class, worked out his body, studied new languanges, even composing some new songs. for these three months, he already recovered well and he can back to his normal bubbly self again.

Hyukjae decides to come back to korea after feeling well. In a sunny sunday morning, hyukjae finnaly arrived at south korea. He walked alone with lot of luggagges with his mask on. Then he saw one familiar face to pick him up,

"Lee hyukjaeee"

"Hyunggggg"

Leeteuk comes to pick him up because he promises to grab a meal together later in a seafood restaurant..

"How are you hyukjae? Feeling better?"

"Eung of coursee hyung. I cant wait for our comeback finally"

"Of course we will have best of the best for this comeback. Lets work hard okay"

"Sure"

Then they enjoy talking to each other about how hyukjae's life in tokyo and how about the members doing while he was gone. They were doing pretty well with their individual schedule as well.

"Uhm so how was him? Is he doing pretty good these days?"

"You dont contact him at all?"

"Nope hahahaha"

"You really want to get rid of him huh?"

"Not to that extend lol he did messaged me sometimes, for the first week i went to japan, he texted me a lot like "what should i do" "im sorry" "i'll do everything for you to forgive me" "please" he did it so many times until 5 days maybe? Then i replied at the 6th day , i said "im okay. Youre not at fault. Just live your life as usual okay? Im fine here dont worry. " 

"I thought you blocked him lol"

"No way i cant block him we're still gonna work together right"

"Wah our pro-idol lee hyukjae. Amazing im proud of you. "

"Nothing's to be proud of. So how's he been?"

"Nothing special because we didnt meet him often bcs of our individual schedule"

"Oh then?"

"But i already met him few times actually asking him for a meal together, he wasnt like himself either i think. His soul is like leaving his body lol"

" He's not that lonely right if i left him like that? He already had a lover anyway"

"I dont know either. maybe you both need to talk it out, dont you feel it to try to talk to him?"

"Yeah ive been thinking about this too hyung. Maybe i will talk it out with him later"

"Good then"

After getting a meal with leeteuk, hyukjae comes back to the dorm with the help of leeteuk to bring his lugagges. And when he opened the door,

"Suprisseeee welcome back uri myeolchii"

Turned out the members already prepared the welcome back surprises with many foods and confettis.

"Oh my goddd guyss hahahahhaa"

"Welcome back uri hyukjaee, lets eat together!!!" Shindong said

"Yesss lets celebrate!" leeteuk finally said

Then they eat happily and tell so many funny stories like they always did.

"How is it at tokyo?" kyuhyun asked

"It's fun of course i did many stuffs there to clear my mind"

"Im glad you're feeling well right now.. we're so worried about you really. You should think less and dont overthink too much okay? You have us to lean on man!" yesung said

"yeah, we can help you anytime bro just tell us about anything" ryeowook said

"Of course i will haha im totally fine right now really!!"

Actually there's donghae too there who's been just smiled blandly at the situation. Fortunately bcs of this crowded condition, no one realized that donghae havent talked a single word to hyukjae yet. Then some times after they had fun and ate well, the members starts to go home one by one. There's leeteuk and donghae left , ofcourse with kyuhyun and hyukjae too.

so hyukjae  cleaned the dishes first and the rest of them cleaned the main room. When hyukjae washes the dishes, donghae actually comes to him and helps him cleaning the dishes

There's like silent in them for like few seconds.

"So, how have you been?" Hyukjae starts off the convo

"Nothing much it's just the same. You?"

"Yeah i did many stuffs there"

"Oh... im glad then"

Then silence again..

"Uhm, i- apologize for-"

"Nah it's not a thing for you to apologize anyway. Im totally fine"

"but im not..."

Silence again....

"Why? It's not that youre lonely without me right?" Hyukjae jokes

"hm maybe?" They laugh softly

Then hyukjae tried to ask something.

"How's thing with her?"

Donghae feels a bit flustered..

"yeah we're fine" said donghae plainly

"Good then"  hyukjae smiled

"I miss you" finally donghae said it

"I miss you too.. lets work hard more for our comeback soon. Lets just get back like we used to be okay?" but hyukjae not acting like he’s flustered. he acts cool

"Uhm sure.. "

Then hyukjae was about to go to the main room then donghae said

"im sorry.. lemme just say.. ehm- dont cry again hyukjae."

"sure i wont" hyukjae left and smiled after that..

flashback

The day after hyukjae went to japan, donghae was like a soulless man. He ignored all of the calls and messages in his phone. He just wants to talk to hyukjae. He wants to meet him rightaway but he cant. He cant disobey leeteuk because he always obedient to all leeteuk's words. He resisted himself and stayed at his house for almost a week. He ignored all of the messages and phone calls. He just wanted to see hyukjae's reply. But he didnt reply at all. He didnt answer his calls either.. donghae was really like a zombie.. then hyukjae suddenly replied to his messages in the 6th day. Donghae was startled like hell. Then he replied.

"it hurts to see you cry dont cry again.... im so sorry. I dont know what should i do... dont hate me...please.... im so sorry"

But then of course hyukjae didnt reply him again.

Actually donghae became so confused after hyukjae left. He thinks about him a lot. He thinks how hyukjae acts around him this whole time. He just realized this whole time, hyukjae must be suffered to hide this feeling alone. When he's the one being so touchy and stuffs....

He didnt know either why he feels so hurting while he's the one who hurts his friend. He hates being left especially when his important person who did it to him. He feels so confused after hyukjae left. He didnt know what happened to his mind recently. He cant think of anything. His mind was full of hyukjae. especially the kiss he gave that night. 

It feels like he poured all of his feelings to it.. but it was the most heartbreaking kiss that he ever felt. the tears that fallen in his cheeks. and his warm lips that melts into his. 

he hates to acknowledge this but he wants to feel it again... but not after feeling like this.   he missed hyukjae so much... it feels so wrong but he missed him so much......

but life must go on,  donghae tried to forget this confusing feelings and try to meet his girlfriend.

He actually met her few times. But donghae always didnt look fine at all. He always been on his mind and cant focus on her at all. And it's always been like this..

Donghae didnt seem to reply at her mesaages as often as before. And he rarely pick up her calls. Donghae was like a whole different person.. sometimes he would be ignorant or careless... even he was not actually like this.. 

he had a fight with his girlfriend recently.. because donghae keeps losing his focus when they met. And he keeps ignoring her messages and calls. He said that he was busy with works and stuffs. Still his girlfriend had it enough and asked him for break up. Donghae asked her not to end it so quickly. he said they can figure it out together. But his girlfriend insisted that they must break up. She was so tired of him. So they break up in their 5 months.. 

Donghae was shattered... he was miserable..

 he thought "maybe life was fair enough"

end of flashback

Donghae intentionally didnt tell hyukjae that he's already breaking up with his girlfriend. He thinks maybe it's for the best to stay like that. It's already been 1 month since he had broken up. And it's the time for hyukjae to come home to korea too. Actually donghae already recovers from his broken state too after 1 month. But now he saw hyukjae is a whole different. He's like happier, shining, and lovelier. It's like he's really getting himself better. He's getting way cuter... donghae seems a lil bit flustered to see hyukjae arrived... he was stunned for a lil bit. 

“is it just me or he gets cuter after coming back......” he thoughts.

Fortunately after their little talks, they can be like they used to be again.. 

The comeback is near.. so they keep practicing and practicing. They have been busy all the time after hyukjae arrived. They have been busy with many things to prepare the comeback.

Hyukjae is working hard too. He's even more refreshed for now. Donghae and hyukjae come back as they are used to be. Playful to each other. They are just being professional to not mix their private life and works. So they act like the things that happened 3 months ago are also dissapearead.. they just act like nothing happened.

They finally released their comeback songs successfully. It was a hit and success. They did many shows, interviews, and some variety shows to promote their comeback. They are so busy because of these schedules. But they are happy because finally they did a comeback again after a long time.

So after the day they brought a first win from mcountdown, they celebrate it in a restaurant and have a big feast there. Then they had drunk too after having those meals. It’s time for going home and there were no schedule tomorrow so leeteuk said just rest well for tomorrow. The members are going home one by one.

"Hyung, tomorrow i will have schedule for new journey to the west, so i cant come home with you. Is it okay for you to come home alone?"

"Nah it's okay. Bye bye kyuhyuna"

But actually hyukjae is in drunk state so he will go with his manager to come home.

then donghae comes

"I can take him home, i bring a car here so you dont need to worry managernim"

"Oh? You bring a car? Okay then i'll just come with you." 

Then hyukjae and donghae go home together with donghae's car. It's the first time for them having a drive like this for just both of them. 

"Hyukjae-ya, are you sober enough?"

"Hmmm 60% sober i tthink why?"

"Actually i want to tell you something"

"What is it?"

"I... i broke up with her"

"Her? Your lover? Why?" suddnely he’s 90% sober up

"Some things happened and we fights then she asked for breaking up. uhm yea thats it"

"Oh.. since when?"

"It's been like almost 2 months before our comeback"

"Ah... so you already broke up that time i ask you?"

"Hm yes.... sorry for not telling you the truth, im just scared that it will make you uncomfortable yknow"

"It's okay i understand... uhm.... so, you okay?"

"Yeah i had been not okay that time but right now i feel better a lot"

"Good for you then, hope you can find another person who's better for you then. life must go on right" 

Then silence... donghae doesnt give him any replies. 

They stopped at the red lights apparently..

"Do you already have a person you like this moment?" Suddenly donghae asked

"no there isnt. I didnt think of it at all because we've been so busy"

"Youre right"

Then the green light appears..

Donghae drives again... 15 minutes in silence and finally arriving at hyukjae's dorm..

"Okay.. would you want me to take you to your room or-?"

It turned out hyukjae already sleeps. He didnt dare to wake him so he puts hyukjae in his back and piggy backs him to his room.... and he still sleeps soundly at donghae’s back.. 

Donghae puts hyukjae to his bed and tucks him in the bed softly.. then unconsciously, donghae leans in to hyukjae's face..

Donghae pressed a soft kiss to his forehead...

"What if you're the better person for me hyukjae? What you’re gonna do if i fall for you?" He said while carressing his hair softly.. 

After that, donghae turned off the lamp and went home rightaway....

actually hyukjae didnt fall a sleep at all... 

he listened to all of them.

"The hell is that just happened...... oh my freaking God what the hell just happened....." he wakes up rightaway.

Hyukjae still can feel donghae's kiss in his face. he cant sleep at all that day. Even after hyukjae's arrival, they had been in a good terms. It is like nothing happened back then. They acted like they used to. Everything seems so natural. There were no feelings for each other.. hyukjae completely erased his feelings for donghae but why did he act like that last night....

"God he's confusing me again.... "

After that confusing situation for hyukjae, he will never know that was the start of all donghae's affections to him.

 and it's likely more affectionate than he ever imagined.

They did many shows and got many interviews. In those shows, donghae always finds chance to get close to hyukjae even doing some skinships to him. But it's like he did it unconciously and natural. It's like the usual donghae but it's more clingy than usual.

He's always backhugging him when they played something, or when in a music show ending, and many more. But hyukjae just lets him bcs he didnt want to be so obvious of avoiding donghae in the tv or shows.

Hyukjae hates to admit this but he liked it. It's like he misses these moments so much but in fact he's already moving on.... or...... are those feelings coming back again...

His warm and soft touches against his body are endearing. He just loves those affections. He missed how to be loved by someone...

But he didnt want to admit it.... never. it’s too contradictive. his mind says he’s already moved on but his heart told him otherwise. 

He still cant get over what donghae said few days ago....

Day by day passed by, and the promotions are coming to an end...  they did their last music shows on inkigayo. hyukjae went to the rooftop to rest for a lil bit because the members are just too noisy right now.. he didnt feel like to talk too much today. 

"what are you doing here alone hyukjae-ya?" 

"Oh donghae, uhm nothing just sight seeing" he’s startled by his voice

Donghae comes to hyukjae

"Do you have something burdening you?

"No actually i just feel grateful finally we can success this comeback.."

"im proud too for myself and the members too. we’re doing great"

“right” 

they smiled together and felt the wind that breezed for them. and hyukjae got some dust into his eyes

"Aaah my eyes" he tried to rub his eyes but donghae held his hands

"Hyukjae-ya are you okay? Which eyes?"

"Leftt aaaah its stuck"

“dont rub it, i’ll blow it for you”  

Then donghae just blows a little to hyukjae's left eyes while cupping hyukjae's cheek.  hyukjae’s heart is pounding like crazy while he did that

"I-Is it gone?"

"Maybe.." hyukjae tried to open his eyes and he's surprised, donghae was just 5 cm in front of him

Then donghae looks into hyukjae's eyes  and carresses his cheeks softly... hyukjae cant back off and staring into donghae’s eyes also

"I think you're more beautiful in this comeback" while holding his cheek.

"How so? I just feel so usual"

"It's your eyes. Your eye make up is stunning"

"U-uhm thanks"

“this comeback fits you so well”

They still stood like that for a while until donghae leaned in to hyukjae.. and hyukjae automatically closes his eyes... donghae just pressed a soft kiss into hyukjae's left eye...

Then he pulls out and smiles..

"You must be tired today. Lets just go home.." donghae said and grabbed hyukjae's hand to enter the building...

Hyukjae is dazed and cant say a single word... he just follows him to the building in silence... 

One day hyukjae drinks alone again in the usual bar. He just wants to drink because he wont have no schedule tomorrow.. and he talks alone in the bar.

"Im getting confused again. Why did he do that then?"

"If im just a rebound of his broken heart, i swear i would kill him rightaway.. gosh but he's already broken up from long time ago... eish but i doubt he likes me though he's fucking straight"

"he's weird. Or am i? Huh idk"

Hyukjae been blabbering for himself there for a few minutes..

Then such a coincidence happened, there just came donghae and jinu who were hanging out with the others because it's their friends who own this bar.. and donghae just watched hyukjae drunk alone and ran to him quickly. his face shows he’s worried as hell. 

"lee hyukjae.. hey what are you doing here? I thought you slept because you didnt reply me at all. you cant come drinking alone like this. you know you cant support youself enough while drunk. why are you like this?"

"Oh hey cheonsanim is it my death yet? Why there's cheonsa here.. thats so weird" he blabbers and doesnt listen to donghae’s nagging at all

"Hey get yourself together hyukjae-ya" 

"Oh im totally fine! what time is it? I should go practicing. let me go. comeon lets practice!!!"

"There's no practicing schedule for today and it’s almost midnight... lets just go to your dorm"

"No but cheonsanim, there's still liquor left i must finish-"

"Shut up and just lets go home. understand?" donghae’s face becomes all serious suddenly. and hyukjae shuts his mouth and let donghae do what he wants. he’s kinda scared too actually even he’s drunk. 

Donghae just pulled hyukjae from the seat and put his arms into his shoulder and starts walking to the car.. donghae brings him home again... like that day

after the silence for a while, donghae finally softened and his serious face gone

"This reminds me of how you were so drunk back then and you keep sobbing because of me.."

"Back then i really didnt know. Yes im a fool didnt realize your feeling and im a fool too bcs i fell in love too easily with some women. Maybe im just too lonely. But i realized that i actually not lonely this whole time. I have you. Thats a shame of me who didnt realize it. Im just so sorry.."

He said while holding hyukjae's hand. Meanwhile hyukjae is sleeping since donghae starts driving.. he’s always like that after being drunk. he sleeps rightaway. 

"You're becoming more refreshed and stunning. Im so flustered to see you like “ah it turned out im really friend with this beautiful human?" Thats exactly my thoughts for you when u came back"

"then i doubt it myself why would i have that kind of thoughts. I feel like i wanna have you for myself. Your cute face, funny jokes, and even your weird actions. It's like i wanna keep it all for myself. I even got jealous when you acted cute in front of the fans lmao i shouldnt do that but idk myself is just being weird."

"i love those smiles of yours. Your gummy smile. Thats just so pretty. It warms me up. I even think why didnt i realize i live with the prettiest angel for this 20 years." 

donghae still driving while looking at the road.. and he keeps pouring his words...

"Youre really my important person hyukjae. I wont ever erase you from my list. Youre my person... your presence to me is a healing and strength. Without you im nothing. You complete me. You're really my everything. Please just erase those bad memories of us. Just let me fill it again with good memories of us... let me try again.. im hoping i can be your source of sunshine too.. like you give me those warmest smiles every time we met... thats the most amazing feeling ever..."

Then silence...

"I knew you're not sleeping right... im not asking you for anything but i just wanna tell you that... and we're almost arrived"

Hyukjae cant hide again from his so called sleeping,, then he’s awkwardly wakes up and straighten his back... 

"uhm.. uhmm..  thats quiet long speech of yours.... uhmm okay..."

Honestly hyukjae is speechless as hell, he never knew donghae will talk it out and he's basically confessing??? But thats so ambiguous...

"Can i hug you?" Donghae asked before hyukjae opened the car's door

"uhm s-sure"

Then donghae hugs him... donghae's hugs always feels so warm... his big body is covering hyukjae's small body... it’s always been these hugs that he loved the most.

donghae who circling his arm into hyukjae’s neck and hyukjae who hugs donghae’s waist tightly.. its always been like this. their typical hugs from time to time. 

"dont go out alone to drink.. bring me,   so i will take you home"

hyukjae just nods in  his warm embrace.. 

Donghae takes off his arms from hyukjae and presses a soft kiss to hyukjae's forehead...

"Good night.. rest well for today"

 hyukjae is gotta explode. 

He's confused too and doesnt know what to do either. But his mind is a total mess right now so he acts like he's totally not in his right mind too.

his act and his mind are always fighting. it’s not completely going in a one way. it’s totally contradictive!!

hyukjae in his not right mind suddenly leaned in and kissed donghae's cheek quickly. 

He's so red and dying inside, then he just

"g-g-good night too bye bye" he's so flustered and running quick to his room

Donghae who feels hundred times flustered than hyukjae, cant even move a flinch after hyukjae's cute lil kiss. He's smiling like an idiot and messed up his hair. 

"im really going crazy" 

Meanwhile in the other side, hyukjae runs to his room and throws himself to his bed and screams.

"arghhhhhh why did i do that you fool lee hyukjae you fooool"

One day after that lil kiss event, donghae asked hyukjae (as if nothing happened) to a drive. he’s that amazing to act like nothing happened between them. 

"hyukjae, are you free this sunday?"

"Uhm maybe, why?" hyukjae pretends nothing happened too. BUT he’s just pretending. so he just replied casually

"i want to have a drive, wanna come? its no fun if i drive alone"

"u-uhm sure. But where to?"

"Hmmm it's up to you"

"Me ? Ah no, it's you who should decide donghae-ya"

"Finee, then beach? Lets watch sunset. How?"

"Call! Good idea!"

"Okay see you on sunday i'll pick you up"

"Of course"

Hyukjae didnt know why he agreed to his plans lmao he’s too excited to watch sunset. 

"eish what should i do.. that god damn smile wtf i cant even ignore him"

"Nah its okay we're usually like this. Its a usual thing for us to have a drive tgt. We even watch sunrise together every year.. it shouldnt be a bad thing right........ right..... but for now i should try calming my heart more" he’s trying to convince his heart more 

Sunday comes and they really go to the beach....

They have so much fun in the car, they sing and laugh happily in the car.. hyukjae who jokes a lot while donghae who gives his best reactions to it. It's just their  another ordinary days.. but its been so long so they're beyond excited for themselves.

It's winter and they wear warm clothes right now.

"Hyukjae, dont you feel cold of just wearing that coat?"

"Ah this. Hmm maybe i can bare it haha"

"You can wear my padding, i'll wear yours"

"Eish no need. Im fine really"

"Uhm okay then"

They have arrived at the beach and they go to the side of the beach while playing with the water. They had so much fun playing and running for each other.. they're just like kindergartens..

"It's unbelievably cold goshhh maybe you’re true though,  my small body cant bare it haha" hyukjae been shivering for a while and he almost stutters because of the cold wind.

"I told you so.." then donghae stands behind hyukjae and opens his padding to back hug the shivering kid. his padding completely covered him and hyukjae together. Hyukjae is small human being so it fits for them together.

"Ya- what are you doing let me go" hyukjae tried to let go but of course he’s lost. 

"Its cold its better like this right" he tightens his hugs more. 

Hyukjae cant say a single word he's just dazed while feeling the cold air from the sea.

They stayed like that for a while until sunset..

"Beautiful..." finally hyukjae mouthed a word

"Uhm.." donghae hugs him tighter from the back

"We're almost the same height but why i feel you're so tiny" donghae said

"im 3 cm taller you know!! but i admits im a real myeolchi because im not that workout holic like you. and im not the type who builds my body like you. the bulkier type. nah i didnt like it"

"Alright alright  i agree for that"

they enjoy this so much. and maybe hyukjae loves it too much. it feels like the cold air is completely gone because of donghae’s back hugs. it warms him up...

after some moments of the sweet warm sunset, they think of going back. they can freeze if they stay too long. 

"Should we go back?"

"Okay..."

Its time for going back and its time for donghae to let go of his hug.... why hyukjae feels dissappointed all of sudden...

Donghae lets go of the hugs and he pulls hyukjae to face him...

"Hyukjae"

"O-oh why?"

Donghae takes out his hands and carress it softly... then brings it into his lips... donghae just kissed every hyukjae's knuckles one by one..

Donghae turned to face hyukjae and leans in slowly..

Hyukjae stops him by pointing his forehead..

"can i-?”

 he didnt finished his words but suddenly hyukjae said

"kiss me"

Donghae got startled but he smiled softly and leaned in to kiss hyukjae

Donghae moves his hands to cupped hyukjae's cheeks while hyukjae's hands slowly circling donghae's neck.. they kissed slowly and softly.. donghae takes a lead and hyukjae tightens his hands... they never expect this day would come.. they pulled out for few seconds, then hyukjae cant get enough and kiss him again.. they kissed so long but slowly...

then they got losing a breath and plus they cant bare the cold air then hyukjae pulled himself from donghae... his ear got so red and he cant even say a word.

"i-its cold lets go home." hyukjae said and ran  leaving donghae who smiled softly..

They go home with hyukjae who covered himself with his scarf.

Donghae who laughs softly said

"Hey dont cover yourself like that, i cant see your face" he teased

"I dont want to see your face idiot"

Donghae chuckles and takes hyukjae's hand... he pressed a soft kiss to his hand...

"stopppp argghh focus on driving bastard" he pulls out his hand quick

Donghae drives home with a widest smile ever

Arriving at hyukjae's dorm, he packs his things and ready to get out but..

While on the way driving here, the snow falls so hard even donghae drives his car slowly to go here..

"You know, the s-snow is falling so h-hard right"

Then donghae turned his head to hyukjae waiting him to say something

"So...” hyukjae hesitates..

"Eh hem so?" Donghae waits while smiling to him

"Eish stop smiling like a weirdo you bastard"

"Hmmmm So?" donghae teased 

"Y-you can come to dorm until tomorrow morning i-if you want-"

"Of course i will. Lets go" donghae quickly answers and goes inside

Donghae has expected this , no way he would let his best friend fighting the snow falls for himself.

They enter the dorm together.. and it's already almost midnight..

"Kyuhyun is home already maybe he's already sleeping... you can sleep on the sofa or other rooms here okay bye im going to bed" hyukjae was about to go to his room but donghae stops him

"What now?"

Then he gestured his head in hyukjae's room (it's like “i wanna sleep with you” gesture)

"N-no way!"

"Aaah we used to sleep together why cant we"

"Its different! We're grown ups right now!"

"Hnggggggg pplleasseeeee or i will nag at you until morning"

Donghae keeps nagging and nagging so hyukjae just lets him to go to his room

"Fine"

Hyukjae already changed his clothes and brings his clothes for donghae to change also.. then hyukjae goes straight to sleep and doesnt want to wait for donghae who changed his clothes

Donghae who comes back after changing his clothes, climbs up the bed beside hyukjae... hyukjae  sleeps facing the other side and donghae feels dissappointed..

"Face me while sleeping or i cant sleep"

"Its not my business"

"We just kissed why do you treat me like this?" He pouts

"Eishhh sssssshhhh. fine fine. i'll face you lets just sleep"

"Hyukjae ya"

"Hmmm" he already closed his eyes

"I wanna hug you"

"why are you so demanding"

“pleaseeeeee”

“arghhh fine” 

Then donghae hugs him and places hyukjae's head in his chest

"It's cold i must keep you warm" hyukjae stays in his embraces like that without complaining.. he's too sleepy to complain.. 

"Hyukjae ya"

No answer...

Then donghae leans in closer

Hyukjae feels donghae's breath becomes so close and slowly opens his eyes..

Hyukjae stops him again by placing his fingers to his lips..

"lee donghae......." hyukjae loses all his drowsiness.... and his eyes looking at donghae's

"I like you..." donghae said with his softest eyes ever

This. those puppy eyes of his. His soft voice.. his gentle touches. His body's heat that runs into hyukjae's body.... it drives him crazy

 hyukjae never been so speechless.. he's weak.. he doesnt know how to act...

Hyukjae feels his heart about to explode..

"Y-you know.. b-but i dont know... i cant understand my feelings at all.... i-"

"I know.... i know.. i'll wait for you"

"but why?"

"Because it has to be you. I love being with you. I just love it so much. youve heard me before. in the car, i told you everything. it’s just you."

Hyukjae cant say anything and keeps his head down in donghae’s chest... he cant face donghae.... he might explode... he bets his ears are all red... and he feels so damn hot even it's winter...

"Can i kiss you?"

Silence.....

Then hyukjae nods softly..

Donghae slowly moves his hand towards hyukjae's cheek and the other hand pulling his waist closer...they kissed again.. but its more passionate and have more feelings... they didnt feel cold anymore, they are heated by the kiss...

donghae who's now on top of hyukjae and keep kissing him like there's no tomorrow... it's like hyukjae is his property only..

They kissed until they both are out of breath and pulled out from each other.... donghae hugs him again from the side while carressing hyukjae's hair and kissed it for few times.....

"잘자요 hyukjae ya"

"good night.." hyukjae who feels embarrassed to death and he just hides himeself in donghae's chest...

They both stay like that until morning comes.... they embrace each other warmly and they sleep like babies.

Morning comes and hyukjae slowly opens his eyes...

"emhhh.... oh my.." he still doesnt believe it either what he saw...

The first thing he saw is donghae's face beside of him.. he suddenly remembers the kiss.. 

"He already looks so good even he's sleeping, like how.."

"eishh whats wrong with me"

hyukjae tries to come down from the bed slowly because donghae's hand still in his waist.. so he slowly removes it.... afraid to wake him up... when he's about to success for coming down, then a pair of hands slip into his waist tightly and a voice appears next to his ear closely..

"where do you go?" said donghae who just woke up with his hoarse voice. He put his head above hyukjae's shoulder and keep whining

hyukjae almost jumped after hearing it *dammit that hot voice*

He always knew this kind of voice every morning they woke up after sleeping together.. because they did it often back in those old days.. but now, it is not the same,  it's like hyukjae always got heart attack when donghae comes close like this

"maybe take a shower and buy a breakfast..."

"sleep more :(" said donghae lazily in hyukjae's shoulder

"it's almost 9 am... i must go to gym later.."

Then he pouts cutely..

"Let me take you there then..."

"Fine.."

"Lets take a shower together"

"NO eish i can shower alone lemme go" donghae still hugs him tightly from the back

"Lee donghaeee comeonnnnn"

"letsss take a shower together like the old dayss"

"No fuckin waay lemme gooooo" hyukjae tries so hard to let it go and finally succeeding

Donghae just whines and tries to wake up also.

They both already been showering and they will have breakfast together..

After finishing breakfast and stuffs. Donghae drives him to hyukjae's gym.

"Okay then thankyou for dropping me off" said hyukjae awkwardly

"Of course. Dont overwork yourself, rest well after this. Bye bye"

"Sure bye"

"Oh wait." Donghae said

"What is it? Is there something i left in your car?"

"You left this"

Donghae shamelessly pressed a quick kiss in hyukjae's right cheek.

"YA LEE DONGHAE"

"bye bye!" Then he winks and leaves

"Eish im really really going insane"

Day by day passed and donghae keeps being clingy to hyukjae. But extended version, he always kissed him goodbye while parting ways. It can be forehead kiss or cheek kiss. Hyukjae is lied if he doesnt like it. He liked it so much but he didnt show it and always runs away from donghae after that...

"Ah where is the boy who used to cry here bcs of his bestfriend? Is he really opening up his heart again?" Teased leeteuk

"Hyung please"

"Hahahaha you arent bothered at all right by him? I knew you love it"

"No way"

"You cant lie to me hyukjae. You fall for hin again right?"

"But i hate for admitting "that feeling""

"It's been so long hyukjae, it's okay for falling in love again"

"I dont know hyung... but why it has to be him? i just dont know"

few days after, hyukjae who just woke up suddenly gets a call from leeteuk..

"Lee hyukjae it's urgent, donghae is sick and i cant go there bcs i have works. Can you come instead of me? He's been in high fever. im scared he will faint or something"

"Okay hyung i'll go there asap"

Hyukjae is worried as hell and he brings all the medicines from the dorm for donghae.

As he arrived there, he found donghae sleeps on the floor.. and he's freaking out

"Yahh lee donghae, are you okay? Hey, lemme take you to hospital come one wake up"

Hyukjae got so worried and try to lift donghae's body.

"Ehmmmh oh what time is it? Why am i on the floor? And why are you here hyukjae?"

"Leeteuk said youre sick af so i came.. lemme take you to hospital right now. can you stand by yourself?"

"Ah.... im not sick.. i just got hangover and maybe i fall asleep on the floor last night..... im totally fine but a little dizzy"

"what the-”

then he realized 

“Aish leeteuk hyung i'll get revenge on you someday arghhh" then hyukjae stands up and ready to walk out

"Im going home then. Bye im wasting my precious times"

"Aaaah dont go im really dizzy... can you help me please eung?"

"Its ur fault anyway"

"But i always help you after you drunk so many times..."

"Okay t-thats... ugh- fine"

Hyukjae walks to donghae and lifts him up. He helps donghae to get on the bed..

"Okay it's done im going. Eish wasting my time  worrying for nothing"

"Are you worried that much?"

"Bye im going home..."

Donghae pulls hyukjae's hand..

"Can you just stay with me?"

"Why should i?"

"I need your company.."

Donghae pulls a lil harder until hyukjae's body falls on his chest..

Donghae hugs him rightaway so hyukjae cant go...

"Hyukjae-ya.. there’s no a single time i would not think of you.. you know what, when you went to japan, i messed up all of things.. i cant get focused on anything... i just wanted to meet you.."

Hyukjae who still in donghae's chest said carefully

"How can i trust you? I cried so hard that day.. im tired of hurting"

"You know it hurts to see you cry. That day my heart breaks into pieces... i think how much i hate myself... i was so dumb. i knew.. but now i realize how can i live without you.. i cant stay away from you... i wanna hug you so tight and give you every little kisses every day.. i dont know when this started, but i want to make you mine every time i see you..  i wanna protect you and embrace you.. i cant take my eyes off of you"

"Hyukjae-ya look at me" donghae lifts hyukjae's head who leans in his broad chest then he saw hyukjae is crying...

"dont cry sweetheart please dont cry.." donghae carressed his tears away softly..

"I-i think i completely forget you. i convinced myself that i already moved on. i believe i had erased you completely.But i just realized i cant... how can i? i really cant forget you at all... i just keep pretending that i was fine if i keep this feelings alone.. i thought i already threw away my feelings. But you suddenly came to me again with those affections.. how... how can i just forget you easily.. i just cant.... life is so unfair i cant understand"

Donghae suddenly sits and lifts hyukjae easily to sit in his lap.. hyukjae who's still sobbing got flustered by his sudden actions.

"Ssssh dont cry... you know that im the crybaby, it's not you. You shouldnt be crying.. youre not supposed to cry... "

Hyukjae still sobs.. and palmed his face..

Donghae leans in and takes hyukjae's hands from his face slowly

He cupped hyukjae's face and leans in.. donghae's forehead touched hyukjae's completely..

"I love you so much.. can you love me back?"

Hyukjae still sobs but he nods softly..

Donghae smiled softly... this sweetest smile that always stuck in hyukjae’s head

"Say that you love me back" 

Donghae wiped off the tears that keep falling in hyukjae's cheeks..

"i-i like you so much i could die.." he sobs cutely

"good.. and i love you too"

Donghae leans in and kisses hyukjae's watery eyes delicately.. he pressed those little kisses slowly from hyukjae's forehead, eyes, cheeks, nose, and finally his lips...

The way hyukjae's lips melt in donghae's.. he kissed hyukjae passionately... the finally-you-love-me kiss that he always hopes.. not that heartbreaking kiss again, this kiss feels more delicate and warm. donghae moves his body and presses hyukjae down to the bed..

"Do you mind if..."

"just do whatever you want”

“good” 

hyukjae never thought that this day would happen for real.. his shirts and pants are on the floor... his  outfits that he wears prettily today is all on the floor mixed with donghae's.. they both are covered with blanket with donghae's hand for hyukjae's pillow.. hyukjae cant say a single word after all of the things that happened so quick in few hours..

"Say something babe"

"You idiot bastard how can i say something after you marked me like this... we just- arghhh i shouldnt say yes for whatever you will do... ive been tricked."

Donghae turned to sulky hyukjae and kiss hyukjae's shoulder..

"you know i cant resist you.. "

then donghae pulls hyukjae and hugs him close to his broad chest and hyukjae slowly hugs him back..

"stay with me until tomorrow?"

"Of course" hyukjae nods and hugs him tighter

"Dont you feel cold?"

"Nope. You hug me is enough.."

Donghae smiled  softly and hugs him tighter... 

“best day of my life.” donghae kissed hyukjae’s head softly

While hyukjae finally asleeps, donghae quickly messages leeteuk

"Hyung i will appear on your youtube more often!! i promise. Thank you for everything hahaha!"

"Eish this little punk. Happy now? Stop calling me just for crying that you miss him so bad. Ughhh im so tired listening your broken ass.  Dont send me even a single pic of both of you or i'll kill you."

"HAHA i was about to lmaooo bye bye hyung♡"

-end

[shweshishweh]

3 and 10!

10. name a dog

hmm like a breed? german shepherd, I really want a pretty and loyal boy... idk what the heck I’d name it though, id have to see him first

tho currently i have a girl named Jersey, she’s my precious old lady and i really miss her right now

3. rant. just do it

Ahh the one day I don’t have anything to rant about, uhh, I guess I’m wearing my water polo jacket so I’ll run with that.  Put under read more bc it actually is long and incomprehensible lol

I feel like I missed a whole other world because I joined the wapo team too late, I was only able to play for two years but I feel like I missed out because I was on swim team most of my life but most of the team was also in wapo and they liked it more, but i didn’t really pay attention because I could only focus on one thing at a time, and I didn’t think i would be good in a team bc I didnt feel like i fit in.  But later in hs the coach and team pretty much peer pressured me into joining and it was embarassing tbh, bc im the self conscious type that makes themselves looks scrawny and meek and lemme tell you, wapo is not a sport where you are meek.  You gotta be agressive, wapo is an aggressive sport (but its fun, its kinda like when you’re 5 years old and wrestling with your brothers).  Like sometimes I would even make my other teammates frustrated and mad because i wouldn’t touch them and it made me feel so bad ugh.... I wish I could have just let go of my anxiety and let loose bc i feel like I could have had so much fun, i feel like i had potential even, like i had a decent arm and could swim head up pretty well, and I was pretty good with dry land, and i could have been closer with the team... i think what made that clearest to me, is there was one game in my last year where I just went “screw it” and at one point i stole the ball(!!!!!) and dribbled it right to the goal and made a clear shot and then the rest of my team went nuts and all swam over and jumped up and down and tackled and hugged me because the really insecure girl made her first shot, and i had tears in my eyes, and it felt like the climax of those inspirational sports movies, or like a sports anime, and thats one of my best memories ever, I never felt so accomplished and it made me want to do many more years with the team, and the sport, but I can’t

when we wrapped everything up at the end it hammered it home too, the team sacrificed so much for me and cheered me on, they stuck with me even when I was being stubborn, and they wanted me to get into it.  But i never really did.  that made me want to quit, but it also made it so hard to quit, and now despite everything im so glad i didn’t.  and the coach would always say after every practice that he was glad I came and the girls told me once that they asked him why he said that to me and no one else and he said, “I know you know that, but she doesn’t” and even though i dont think hes even that great a person sometimes that was really sweet.  And i didn’t even realize they felt that way really

I dunno, this turned out a huge mess of thoughts but in conclusion, water polo is an awesome sport that I could talk way more about tbh, and I wish I had joined sooner and im really sad i don’t really have a way to play it anymore.  and thank you to all my teammates who helped me and didnt give up on me :’)

[antigenius]

Hi! could i have a bnha match up please? i'm a 5'4" pan woman and i have short, curly strawberry-blonde hair with blue eyes. i can talk to anyone about pretty much anything, i love reading, writing, and drawing, but i'm also really good at horse back riding (like, so much that i train show horses lol). im funny and sweet, but i won't hesitate to stand up for myself/others. i laugh loudly and im not against spending time with people, but i do like my own alone time. sorry this is so long!

Hm... you strike me as someone who’d be good for...

Todoroki Shouto!

I think you’d suit Shouto simply because you’re passionate! In a way, you remind me of Midoriya and I think that fits Shouto’s type perfectly.

Shouto is a person who strikes me as someone who just enjoys listening to their partner go on and on about anything they love and he’d just love sitting and watching you make little hand gestures and the shine in your eyes?? GOD he loves you.

What also makes you someone I think Shouto would absolutely adore is that whilst being friendly and outgoing, you also enjoy personal time, which would help with Shouto’s somewhat ambivert personality.

Shouto as a Boyfriend

Your daily life with Shouto would consist of long conversations and constantly learning new things about each other. Despite however long you’d have been with him, your personality would be able to lure every aspect of Shouto out into the open for you to see.

He’s systematic and wakes up at about 7 - 8am, but he’ll see you still so peacefully asleep that he now wakes up at about 9ish simply so he can wrap his arms around you and bring you close to his chest. 

He’d watch you breathe and feel your heartbeat in sync with his, slowly easing his mind back to sleep...

Until he remembers he has to go to work.

He’d ask almost daily about you training horses!! He’d be super interested and he’d even ask to go and see the horses (and he’d be so happy because who wouldn’t be happy seeing horses).

He’d make you breakfast on days that you decided you wanted to sleep in and go off to do hero work. Something simple like coffee and some scrambled eggs on toast is what you’ll get, but it’s appreciated

He’d even leave a note on simply wishing you a good day and how he’ll be home soon.

When he does gets back home, he’s normally horribly exhausted and worn out. He’ll just sit on the couch and try his hardest not to doze off. Being one of the top heroes does that to you.

He’d sit and twirl your hair around in his fingers, playing with it subconsciously as the TV blares in the background. His favourite thing to do is simply glaze his eyes over your gorgeous features and remind himself that you were his.

Sometimes he’ll catch you whilst you’re drawing or you’re writing. Don’t be surprised if he pokes his nose there silently and asks if he could see it. He’s pretty proud that you’re so talented and reading or seeing the work for himself gives him even more pride. Like “GUYS LOOK AT HOW MY BABY DOES WORDS” but less loud and less embarrassing.

He might even provide criticism and praise, if you allow him to.

I swear Shouto has a thing for necks, so you’ll find if you’re just sitting around or lazing about, you’ll suddenly feel a cold touch on the back of your neck. As you scream or yelp in surprise, you’ll hear the deep chuckles from behind you. It’s pretty cute how you turn red and playfully scold him afterwards.

He also LOVES to put his chin on your head. You’re so cute and tiny like hello???? babie????

Shouto is, as everyone thinks, really responsible. He helps around with the chores, he does the dishes, he cleans up after himself. Being in a relationship with Shouto is perfect to those who look on the outside.

yeah. on the outside.

Now whilst Shouto is honestly seen as perfect boyfriend material, everyone has their flaws.

Considering that you’re seemingly a talkative and charismatic person, Shouto may sometimes struggle to continue the conversation.

I don’t mean this as in like he’d not focus or he wouldn’t remember what you said three seconds ago, but it’s simply because he’s not sure how to. 

I mean sure, he can make conversations and actually, he’s quite the talker himself when it comes to something he enjoys. An event or a memory that reminded him of you? Yeah, he’ll go on about those for hours.

But he just doesn’t conversation like everyone else does. 

He’ll end a conversation pre-maturely, on accident or mainly because he doesn’t know what else to say? He has opinions, but he’s pretty lost on how exactly to word them to you.

He isn’t one to use words, lemme tell ya.

You’ll find yourself rambling on and on about something and when you ask him a question about said subject he’ll probably not respond because he’s like “uh... what do I say??? how do I say it???”

But as your relationship grows, you’ll find this happening less and less.

He’s also a pretty jealous person. If you have a lot of admirers get ready for a protective Shouto because oh boy oh boy will he have a WORD.

He’ll wrap his arm tight and snug around your waist, placing the gentlest, yet most fierce kiss on your lips as he stares in your eyes.

“Let’s go.”

Sometimes, there may be days where Shouto might become a slight bit clingy. You might not enjoy this on the days you’re recharging.

But don’t worry, he understands. 

There are days, or even weeks when he goes away for hero work though, so do prepare for him to just be glued to you like a koala on a tree. 

You give me a warm aura too, so please just, softly coo at him and kiss him all over. He’ll swoon internally and turn into putty if you do so.

Hope you enjoyed!!

[artificialqueens]

Give you what you craving (branjie) - writworm42

A/N: Title from Big Ole Freak by Megan Thee Stallion. For a friend of mine who I’m wishing the absolute best <3

Thank u thank u thank u Holtz for beta-ing <3 <3 <3 <3

DISCLAIMER: In this fic, Brooke calls Vanessa mommy in bed without any prior conversation. Don’t do that!!! Just because I let it slip here for the sake of the story doesn’t mean it’s okay in real life. FIC IS NOT A MODEL FOR REAL LIFE! In reality, before you call your partner by titles during sex, check with them to make sure it’s okay. Always make sure to check in with your partner consistently and frequently during sex!!!

“Vanjie? Vanj? Earth to Vanessa!”

Vanessa blinks, coming back to her surroundings just in time to see Asia waving her hand in front of her face, looking bemused.

“Is it just as good as last time she walked by?” Asia jokes, and Vanessa feels herself flush scarlet, her cheeks burning as she tries to think of a comeback.

She doesn’t have time to say anything to defend herself though, because their third cubicle-mate, Kameron, looks up from her computer screen, removing her earphones to grin over at her two friends.

“Was she checking out Brooke’s ass again?” Kam’s eyes are lit up with scandal and excitement, and Asia nods enthusiastically.

“Her tits, too, don’t think I didn’t see you craning to get an eyeful when you first heard her heels, Vanj.” Asia notes, and Kameron lets out a big whoop, one which Vanessa almost hits her for.

“Shut up!” Vanessa hisses. “Are you tryin’ to get us in trouble? We supposed to be working on processing those orders for that new cake-baking cookbook, not gossiping about something I most definitely absolutely was not doing. ”

“Sure, baby.” Kameron snorts, but nonetheless, she and Asia settle, turning back to their own desks to attend to their work. Or at least, Kameron and Asia do - Vanessa herself is, for whatever reasons, struggling to focus.

Reasons that have nothing at all to do with how Brooke walks by again a moment later, and how for a moment, Vanessa swears that she sees Brooke glance at her and smile.

“You could just talk to her, you know.” Kameron offers kindly, but Vanessa only grunts in response.

Vanessa’s a junior sales rep for the entire cookbook company, while Brooke is a copy editor for the baking section. They may not work together directly, but they’re still part of two different worlds–one world that’s just a hair away from being an intern, days spent in a flurry of spreadsheets and scutwork, versus another world that comes with a postgraduate degree and a great deal of respect. Brooke couldn’t possibly want anything to do with Vanessa, and pretending otherwise…

Well, Vanessa would be setting herself up for heartbreak, to say the least. She’s sure it would. So it’s better not to get her hopes up; better to just keep things neat and tidy, limit her fantasies to watching Brooke’s ass whenever she walks by and hoping that when she walks back, she might catch another glimpse at that shy, beautiful smile.

“Oh, come on, now, don’t be like that.” Asia scolds, turning back around. “Kam is right, you know. We have that employee mixer coming up, and God knows the woman finds every excuse she can to walk past us all hours of the goddamn day. Just talk to her, Vanj.”

Vanessa snorts, not bothering to look up from her computer. “What would I even say, bitch? ‘Hey, mama, you got a fine ass, lemme eat it?’”

But there’s no laughter that follows the joke, nor any advice to soothe over the genuine question behind it. Instead, there’s an uneasy beat of silence, during which Vanessa looks up and realizes–

Oh no.

Oh God.

Brooke’s standing at the entrance of Vanessa’s cubicle, clutching a manuscript and looking absolutely mortified.

“I’m–Oh, God, Brooke, I’m so sorry–” Vanessa starts, but it only seems to make things worse; Brooke flushes red, mumbles something about sending in some pages as a preview for a prospective client, and then rushes off, leaving stunned silence in her wake.

“Okay, so when I said talk to her, I didn’t mean like that–”

“Shut up, Asia.” Vanessa puts her head in her hands, hoping in vain that the floor will swallow her up and never spit her back out.

The rest of the afternoon goes by slowly, shakily–Vanessa can hardly focus, the moment of her embarrassment replaying over and over in her head without reprieve, interrupting any task she tries to take on. Every time she tries to open a new document, her eyes fall down to her desk and onto the manuscript Brooke left her. And every time she tries to open an email, Brooke’s name appears at the top of her alphabetically-organized contact list.

It’s only when Vanessa finally gets ready to leave for the evening that Brooke fades from her mind, the space that the blonde occupied instead taken over by a list of all the snacks she’s going to eat and the reality TV shows she’ll binge when she gets home. She waves good-bye to Asia and Kameron, about to shut off her computer and get going, when suddenly–

EMAIL FROM: Brooke Lynn Hytes

RE: convo from today

Hi Vanessa,

Meet me in my office in half an hour… I want to talk to you about what you said today.

Vanessa’s head spins, her heart stopping dead in her chest and body going cold.

Oh God. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. She’s going to be fired, she knows it–she’ll walk into Brooke’s office, HR will be sitting there to mediate, and she’ll be sent packing before she has a chance to contest the disciplinary action.

Vanessa’s about to write back, beg for forgiveness, or at least some other kind of recourse, when a second email comes through.

EMAIL FROM: Brooke Lynn Hytes

RE: Convo from today - oops

Hi Vanessa,

Just realized that makes it sound like im gonna fire you or something. Lol. Sorry about that. Can you just come by now? Easier to talk in person.

Sorry again.

XOXO,

Brooke Lynn Hytes

Vanessa can’t help but laugh a little to herself when she reads the text, her heart starting back up again and nerves dissipating a little. God, the fucking dork–maybe things will work out after all.

Maybe.

Probably not the way that Vanessa’s hoping for, though.

She scurries across the floor towards Brooke’s office, not bothering to return the waves and cheerful good nights! from coworkers as she passes. There’s only one thing on her mind at the moment–Brooke Lynn Hytes and her ass, and whatever she’s going to say to her.

Okay, three things, but it doesn’t matter. Because she’s outside Brooke’s office, and the door is open for her to walk through, and–

And Brooke is sitting at her desk, blushing and shifting nervously in her chair, gesturing for Vanessa to close the door.

“Brooke, I wanna say again, I’m—“

But Brooke cuts Vanessa off with a shake of her head and a kind smile.

“Did you—did you mean what you said?” Brooke stands up and walks towards Vanessa cautiously, slowly, her smile still gentle and gaze unwavering. “About wanting to rim me?”

Vanessa swallows hard, her heart pounding and mind racing. Brooke is close now, so close that if she reaches out, she could touch Vanessa, box her in against the door, do whatever she pleases with her—

“Yeah.” Vanessa admits breathlessly. Yeah I did.”

“Oh, thank God.” Brooke sighs, her shoulders relaxing and face smoothing out in relief. “I was afraid you were joking, and—“

But Brooke never gets a chance to finish that sentence, because before Vanessa can think about it, before she has a chance to stop herself, she’s leaning up and cupping Brooke’s face and pressing her lips to hers.

The kiss is electric, breathless and passionate enough to make Vanessa feel as if she’s floating, swept off her feet by Brooke’s lips, her sighs of pleasure when Vanessa tugs lightly on her bottom lip with her teeth. Brooke is gripping her tightly by the waist, pulling her flush against her body, and Vanessa is dizzy, held up only by the will to keep contact with the woman in front of her, entwined with her. She feels along Brooke’s back, down each curve and over every muscle, until finally, her hands sweep over the one thing she’s been drooling over for what seems like far too long.

Brooke moans, like really moans, when Vanessa’s hands reach her ass, and God, Vanessa would do anything to hear that sound again. She feels along the curve of Brooke’s ass, squeezing and kneading and listening for every little reaction, every repeated moan and little gasp.

“Keep–Oh, fuck, Vanessa, keep doing that.” Brooke separates from Vanessa, her eyes hooded and cheeks flushed, voice breathy with effort.

“Ain’t gotta tell me twice.” Vanessa giggles, and Brooke does too, pulling Vanessa even closer, and sticking her ass out a little and before grinding back into Vanessa’s hand to meet her movements.

“This might sound weird,” Vanessa starts to propose, before she can second-guess it, “But can I…” she trails off, her hands suddenly freezing.

How in the hell is Vanessa supposed to ask a woman she’s barely worked with, who she barely even knows , realistically, to let her spank her?

“Can you what?” Brooke repeats, and Vanessa realizes with a sudden rush of embarrassment and doubt that she’s already gone too far to turn back.

“Can I spank you?”

Vanessa pulls away, expecting Brooke to look at her strangely, to balk at the suggestion. Ask her what’s wrong with her, or why she’d want that.

Instead, she giggles.

“You’re cute when you’re embarrassed, you know that?” Brooke teases, and Vanessa blushes.

“I had to ask!” Vanessa gives Brooke a playful tap on her ass, rolling her eyes. “You telling me you’d rather I just popped your ass right then and there without no warning?”

Only, the way Brooke looks back at Vanessa in that second tells her pretty much exactly what she needs to know to answer that question.

“I think we oughta pick this up later.” Vanessa’s voice drops to almost a whisper, her hands clutching tighter at Brooke’s ass and stomach practically flip-flopping with glee and arousal when Brooke goes rigid, leans into Vanessa’s touch again. “Somewhere we can be private, so I can make that cute little ass nice and red.”

“I like the sound of that.” Brooke nods, and Vanessa answers by spanking her lightly again, grinning when Brooke lets out a soft, surprised oh!

“I gotta go home and feed my dog, but how ‘bout I’m over at eight?” Vanessa proposes.

“Sounds good.” Brooke smiles. “I can’t wait.”

“Me neither.”

Vanessa leans up and gives Brooke another quick kiss before turning on her heels, sauntering towards the door with a little extra swing in her step just to tempt the woman watching her walk away.

“Oh, and Brooke?” Vanessa turns around at the last second, only to see Brooke snap to attentively.

“Yeah?”

“Make sure you nice and prepped for me when I come. And whatever you do, don’t touch yourself before.”

Vanessa doesn’t wait for Brooke’s answer; she doesn’t need to.

She already knows that Brooke’s in the palm of her hand, and now she’s got to get home and get in the shower.

–

Vanessa knocks on Brooke’s door at 7:59 PM. Almost instantly, the door swings open and Vanessa feels her breath get knocked out of her body.

Brooke is a vision in satin and lace, dressed in a plain top with lace trim and a shiny, thin skirt that barely covers her ass, if it wasn’t for the identical lace trim that brings Vanessa’s eyes trailing downward to Brooke’s thighs, pale and toned and begging for Vanessa to grab them.

“You look beautiful.” It’s all Vanessa can think to say, but if the way Brooke’s eyes sparkle and her cheeks flush is any indication, it’s the right thing.

“I, um—Thanks.” Brooke brushes a piece of hair behind her ear, blushing deeper when Vanessa laughs fondly at the gesture. “Um, d’you wanna come in?”

“Absolutely.” Vanessa is already walking past Brooke when she stops to reach up and give the blonde a peck on her cheek.

“By the way,” Vanessa whispers, grasping at Brooke’s shirt with firm, eager fingers, “You’re cute when you’re embarrassed.”

The gasp that Brooke lets out as she shivers at the words is in itself enough to switch any thinking part of Vanessa’s brain off, her body moving on adrenaline and instinct as she practically drags Brooke towards the bedroom.

This time when they kiss, it’s slow, less frantic, less desperate. They take their time, exploring each other as they embrace, Brooke’s hands tracing Vanessa’s body slowly and carefully in a way that leaves goosebumps in their wake.

It’s only when Brooke lays her hands on Vanessa’s ass that a sharp arousal shoots between Vanessa’s legs, and enough is enough.

“Get on the bed.” Vanessa grabs Brooke’s arms and pushes them off of her body, holding firm despite how Brooke tries to bring her hands back onto Vanessa, tries again to grab and feel her. Seeing how her efforts are futile, Brooke whines, tries to lean down to distract Vanessa with another kiss, but Vanessa won’t have it; not now, when her heart is in her throat and she can feel herself getting wetter by the second.

“No, baby.” Vanessa grabs Brooke’s ass and squeezes hard, using the single moment when Brooke is caught off-guard to walk them backwards until Brooke’s knees are hitting against the edge of her bed. “I said get on the bed, now .”

Brooke whines stubbornly but obeys, grabbing onto Vanessa’s shirt and pulling her down on top of her as she goes.

“Eager beaver.” Vanessa rolls her eyes as she picks herself up, kneeling over Brooke to box her in with a knee on either side of her hips, a hand on either side of her head.

Brooke only sticks out her tongue, and Vanessa can’t resist leaning down to kiss her again, nipping at her bottom lip and smirking at the soft, surprised squeak that she lets out in response. Vanessa keeps going, kissing along Brooke’s jaw, down her neck, nibbling and licking and sucking experimentally as she pays attention to what makes Brooke tick.

It’s adorable how responsive Brooke is, how quickly her bratty demeanor fades when Vanessa pins once-again wandering hands down onto the mattress and sucks hard at her collarbone. How she moans and gasps and squirms like she’s being touched for the first time in years, an appetite whet after laying dormant for just a little too long.

“Lift up for me.” Vanessa prompts, tapping Brooke on the side, and Brooke sits up long enough for Vanessa to pull her shirt over her head, revealing the smooth, soft skin underneath.

“Really?” Vanessa smirks, tracing her hand over Brooke’s bare breasts, her nipples already hardened against the room’s cold air.

“Why wait?” Brooke shrugs, “We would’ve taken it off anyway.”

“So does that mean you’re not wearing panties, either?” Vanessa lazily traces over Brooke’s tits, circling and flicking her nipples as she lets her eyes trail down to the waistband of her skirt and the promise that it holds underneath it.

“Why don’t you check?” Brooke’s voice is laced with challenge, her face almost smug as she stares up at Vanessa, waiting for her to make good on the offer.

And so Vanessa does, and doesn’t regret it.

Brooke’s wearing panties, alright—ones that are white, made of thin fabric that Vanessa can practically see through and trimmed with lace on the waistband and leg holes. It’s tantalizing, how pure they look, how they contrast with Brooke’s mussed hair and hickey-bruised skin, and Vanessa almost wishes Brooke could keep them on.

“Like what you see?” Brooke grins, and Vanessa has to hand it to her—the bitch knows what she’s doing, she really does.

Fortunately, so does Vanessa, and so she knows exactly how to handle the situation.

“Fuck yeah, I do.” Vanessa breathes, kissing the nape of Brooke’s neck again, barely-there pecks that make Brooke squirm underneath her.

Excellent.

“Now how about you show me the view from the back, baby girl?” She lifts off of Brooke just long enough to trace a finger along the waistband of Brooke’s panties, watching with satisfaction as Brooke shivers at her touch.

“Yes, mommy.” Brooke gasps as Vanessa moves to cup her through her panties, pressing down just a little so she can feel Brooke’s slick soaking through them.

“Mommy kink too?” Vanessa can’t resist teasing a little as she finally brings her hand away, shuffling back to give Brooke room to reposition herself. “Damn, Miss Hytes, you a freak.”

Brooke blushes deeply. “I—I’m sorry, it just kind of slipped out, usually I talk to people before I do that—“

Vanessa swallows the rest of Brooke’s ramblings into a deep, affectionate kiss, one that makes Brooke soften enough that Vanessa can ease her back onto the bed again.

“Don’t worry about it, kitten.” Vanessa winks, her heart warming when Brooke beams. “Now, turn over for mommy, I wanna play with that pretty little ass already.”

Brooke flips over happy, eagerly lifting her ass off the mattress just a little and wiggling it in excitement.

It’s too hard to resist; Vanessa brings a hand down over one of Brooke’s cheeks, just hard enough to elicit a small squeak from the woman in front of her.

“What?” Vanessa cocks a brow when Brooke looks back and pouts at her. “You tellin’ me you really ain’t expect that, tryna tempt me like that?” As if to make her point, she lands another smack on Brooke’s opposite cheek, and Brooke melts, letting out a sharp exhale and wiggling a little again when Vanessa pulls back, almost as if she’s trying to ask for more.

“Uh-uhn, baby.” Vanessa shakes her head, crossing her arms in front of her. “You gotta use your words this time, or mommy’s not gonna do nothing to you.”

“Please, mommy.” Brooke whimpers in response, eyes wide and pleading. “Spank me more, please?”

“Of course, angel.” Vanessa coos, a calm sweetness before the storm she knows she’s about to unleash.

The next time Brooke squirms, Vanessa lets her spankings rain down, a flurry of impacts that make Brooke’s ass glow with a mesmerizing shade of red. Brooke, for her part, seemed to only take every slap in stride, moaning sinfully and begging for more, more, more.

“Alright, alright, that’s enough.” Vanessa chuckles when she feels the sting of her hits even on her own palm, instead beginning rub soft, soothing circles along the now-heated skin of Brooke’s ass. “Now what do you say?”

“Thank you, mommy.” Brooke sighs contentedly, melting into Vanessa’s gentle touch.

“You’re welcome, sweetheart.”

They stay like that for a few moments more, quietly enjoying each other, but then Vanessa’s own needs become too much to ignore–arousal is curling in her stomach, snaking between her legs, building up again until she feels like she might explode. She’s about to ask if Brooke is okay, suggest moving things along again, when Brooke speaks up suddenly, beating her to it.

“So… You gonna take my panties off now?” Brooke grins slyly, and Vanessa can’t help but laugh.

“So impatient.” Vanessa teases, but nonetheless moves back near Brooke, tapping her hip to signal her to lift up so that she can ease down her panties, noting with satisfaction the slick, soaked spot that sticks just a moment longer to Brooke than the rest of the fabric, just a little slow in being peeled away.

“Beautiful.” Vanessa breathes it out without thinking, the word rolling off her tongue because it can’t stay in, not with Brooke looking like that, laying bare for her like that. Vulnerable and delicate, all hers to enjoy, if only for the night (but God, what a night). At that moment, nothing else is in Vanessa’s mind except the curve of Brooke’s back and the way her hair splays across it, the flush of her cheeks and how they match the shade of her ass. Her smile, eager and warm and already a little blissed, like she knows she’s safe when she’s with Vanessa.

“You want my mouth or my fingers, or you got a strap?” Vanessa whispers, and God, Brooke’s eyes have never looked as beautiful as they have in that moment, when they look up at Vanessa and sparkle, her pupils wide and lids hooded.

“Mouth please, mommy.”

Brooke doesn’t need to ask twice. Vanessa kisses her way down Brooke’s body again, this time slowly, not teasingly but instead with devotion, her lips carrying admiration for every inch of skin they land on. Apparently, the message gets across, because Brooke seems to relax more with every kiss, her body melting into the mattress, sighing softly every time Vanessa’s mouth touches her skin.

“You ready, angel?” Vanessa pushes Brooke’s cheeks together, kneading them gently while she checks in, and Brooke nods.

“Please, mommy.” Brooke begs quietly, and Vanessa smiles, leaving one last kiss on the peak of Brooke’s tailbone before finally spreading her cheeks apart. She takes her time, licking around Brooke’s hole with short strokes, just the tip of her tongue, to find out what makes Brooke tick. She finds quickly that Brooke likes when Vanessa licks closer to Brooke’s entrance, honing in on one spot temporarily just to put her on edge. She shifts her position, brushes against Brooke’s perineum with the tips of her fingers, and Brooke goes rigid, lets out a sinful moan.

“Please, oh fuck, please, Ness, keep doing that.” Brooke trembles as Vanessa repeats the motion, timing it with a broad stroke of her tongue up Brooke’s crack. So she does, over and over, alternating with swirls around Brooke’s holes and little short darts into it, until Brooke is babbling and whimpering, a moaning mess underneath her that just can’t stay still.

“Come on, baby girl, come for me, I know you can do it.” Vanessa growls, continuing her ministrations. “Let me see you come for mommy, wanna see you lookin’ so pretty and fucked out for me…”

It’s as if the words are exactly what Brooke needed to tip her over the edge; without so much as a moment passing after the words leave Vanessa’s lips, Brooke goes rigid again, her cries cut off into a silent scream that ends with a final fuck before she relaxes again, panting and spent.

“Shit.” Brooke laughs breathlessly as Vanessa comes up from her place at the foot of the bed to snuggle at Brooke’s side, nestling into her arms. “That was amazing , Ness. Thank you.”

“No problem, baby.” Vanessa feels pride balloon in her chest at the words, but even that is secondary to the feeling of seeing Brooke’s smile, the renewed energy in her eyes even as she lays limp and sated, holding onto Vanessa like some sort of teddy bear.

It’s all she’s wanted, really–all she’s been after. Not just Brooke’s ass, or her body, or the way she walks and steals looks at Vanessa at the office.

Just for Brooke to look at her, really look at her. Smile at her. Thank her for something that isn’t work-related. See her not as Vanessa Mateo from distribution, but as Vanessa herself, as Vanessa wants her to see her.

“Vanessa?” Brooke pipes up again, snapping Vanessa out of her contented daze.

“Hm?”

“I asked if you wanted me to return the favour.” Brooke doesn’t seem to mind Vanessa’s temporary absence; if anything, she seems entertained by it, the shadow of a smile on her face.

But as kind as the offer is, Vanessa just shakes her head. “Nah, baby, I’m good for now. Unless…” she stops, biting her lip as her heart kicks up a bit, squeezing its way into her throat as she contemplates her next move.

It’s a risk–Brooke might very well say no, might very well want to keep their relationship to what it currently is.

But if how they’ve wound up here together is any indication, then it’s worth a shot.

“Unless?” Brooke prompts, and Vanessa takes a deep breath, shoving any doubt out of her mind.

“Maybe you could take me out for a date, and we could see what happens?”

Much to Vanessa’s relief, Brooke doesn’t even skip a beat when she answers, a wide grin spreading across her face.

“I would love nothing more.”

[fallininyou]

I guess we *are* connecting hahaha the way you think makes sense to me too. I think we're pretty much talking from the same pov hahaha // ofc, you don't have to force it with people - but sometimes I force the opposite, bc I've been hurt and I know better than "I feel like I can talk to this person about this, so I will" I normally don't share certain things until after a while, although I may feel that it is someone who can be trusted (I've been wrong before so I really need to confirm-

beforehand if that someone really is any different from everyone else. And for that, like you said, I need to feel like I dont have this "itchy feeling" of « why arent you smiling? why are you sad? » lmao the fuck, if im sad, lemme be. Supressing it is also underestimating my emotions. And we tend to do that bc of what you said: "People around me confuse anxiety with feeling anguish and it couldn’t be more different."!! Its so true. Or depression with sadness. And we're talking about informedindividuals, most of the time. They know the patterns, but just don't believe theres such things as "anxiety" and "depression" :) sure bby boo :) Those are also the ones who think it's personal when you say "sorry, I think I'm just staying home today, I don't feel like going out", including after you've told them its not like that. 

That too. You've been through a lot and having someone new means opening up and revealing too much. It's rare when you find new people who make it easierfor you to tell them stuff. But ofc that what we are ain't just the deepest of the scars. There's beauty to the fact that it might take years to fully know someone- which will probably never happen, we change all the time. 

"I also feel like I can’t put up with shit from new people, first thing they do to me im like “bye”. " lmao sameee when its people I know its easier for I can focus on all the moments we've shared, how I love them, blablabla but when it comes to people who I barely know, I really don't have the same patience anymore, sorry. A girl has to defend herself. 

Oh for sure, it doesn't mean their problems aren’t valid. I always say "the same way theres always someone sadder than you, theres always someone happier too" - for those who give those "but you could have it so much worse" type of advices. And that works both ways: If I cant feel bad bc theres someone else in a worse situation than mine, then I cant be happy bc someone else is living a betterlife. Sometimes feels good to have more "superficial conversations", which also their importance. Life isn't always a "dead or alive" situation. The one thing that really annoys me about those people is when they try to make it seem like they understand me, while giving examples of complete neutral situations - kinda minimizes what I feel, ya know? Other than that, I'm cool. You can't have the same type of talks with everyone. Life I said, lighter convo topics feel good from time to time :)

--------

we are :) right, I already know who I can talk to about certain things, it’s easy, I’ve been friends with them for +8 years I know how they are. 

The no sharing after a while I learned after first year of college, I used to think the things that happened to me made me who I am and I had to tell them for people to get to know me and I realized I’m not just those things so now I choose who I tell what. 

Same i had that conversation about feeling guilty when I feel happy cause I was thinking I should be sad and my friend told me “let yourself be sad when you’re sad and if you feel okay then feel that way” and I realized I was being too hard on myself. 

Gladly I’ve told my friends that sometimes I don’t feel like being with people or meeting them when I already said yes and they’ve been pretty good about it, I think it’s cause they’ve been with me every step of it all so they know. I hope they’re always this patient. 

I just feel like I haven’t met anyone new worth of getting to know, maybe I’ve been too focused on my stuff and this year I’ll change that, I hope I do cause it shouldn’t be like this. It’s true we change all the time but at least I think you kinda know how they change and how they act when they do. 

Same, I can tolerate something someone I’ve been friends with forever did to me but not someone new. I have to learn that no one is a perfect friend lol I tend to expect sooo much of 22 yo girls I swear, I shouldn’t. I also expect them to have the same concept of friendship as me and that’s something I have to work on. 

Ofc most of the time I need easy convos too, about clothes, celebs, music, gossip. Sometimes I sit with them and I don’t wanna talk about what’s going on with me so I talk about the lastest fashion show you know. 

Sorry it took me so long to reply!

[ioncewroteadream]

Breathe Me Gently

Chapter 6: Semester 1: Kiss The Earth That Birthed You

Isak

When Isak was seven, his mamma would take him out to a park near their house. It wasn’t much. Just some swings, a rusty silver slide, and a sand pit. Most kids stopped playing there when the shiny, new red playground was put up on the park across the city, but Isak loved it there. The whole place was surrounded by big evergreens, tall as the sky. 

It was his own enchanted forest, tucked away from the rest of the world. And Isak was the prince who took care of all the animals in his little kingdom. Or, well, he chased a lot of squirrels and let ants crawl all over his hands. He helped a bird once, though. It broke a wing and Isak cried for his new friend. His mamma helped him take her to a vet in the city and she kissed his forehead and called him “the sweetest boy in the world.”

He brought a boy out there once. Years later. He showed him his favorite spot and bared his soul. Matthias was three years older and very pretty. He held onto Isak’s hand, talked in words that he didn’t understand, and called Isak beautiful. Matthias left him the night they kissed in the park. Said Isak was the sweetest boy he knew and waved like he wasn’t moving to another country. 

And then last year happened. It dragged him out, kicking and screaming. Left his chest open and his heart ripped to shreds in the middle of his schoolyard. Then whispers started. He wanted to shout ‘no, that’s not me.’ But everyone just shook their heads at him, eyes filled with pity, and kept talking. He doesn’t go to the park anymore. 

---

Jonas

Pregame at ur place?

You dont come out with us anymore

I miss ur moms cake

Isak

Fu dont take advantage of my mom

And i can't

Im tutoring næsheim

Jonas

EVEN NÆSHEIM?

Like homophobe asshole næsheim?

Wtf

Isak

Ifuckingkr

Im the only one with time

They wont let me switch and bc im smart as shit and he needs help

Jonas

We get it ur a genius

Isak

Lol let me brag thats the only thing getting me through this

And its gonna look so good on uni applications

Jonas

I can be there for moral support

Id do that you know

Isak

Lol and bring a guard dog? 

No thx

He doesn’t need more shit on me

Jonas

Anyway lemme know if i should just show up at ur place yeah?

Eva and Noora are making me shop with them. (Save me)

Isak

Lol your turn to third wheel. Suffer asshole

But nah its nothing i can’t handle          

Come over tmr tho?

Jonas

*thumbs up emoji*

---

Isak knows he shouldn’t be so nice. He knows that Even probably deserves every bad thing that’s ever happened to him. But he just couldn’t. Not after he’d seen that look in his eyes. The thing is, Isak knows that look. He’s lived that look. The kind that makes its way onto your face when you’ve felt hollow for too long. And now, despite what Even may or may not deserve, Isak couldn’t help but soften at the boy that’s just as broken as Isak feels. It won’t erase the shit he’s put Isak through. Won’t even come close to it. Still, Isak smiled and helped, and Even wasn’t that bad. He cracked dry jokes and the corners of his lips were lifted more often than not.  

“Studying hard, boys?” Isak grinned up at his mamma, and watched Even do the same.

“I’d study harder if there were cookies.”

“Oh, you’re baking cookies?”

“I could, but that would take time from all the work Even and I are doing. You don’t want us to fail, do you?” Isak pouted and his mamma laughed loudly.

“Real fucking cute. Can you believe this kid, Even?” Isak’s stomach flipped pleasantly when his mom shared a look with Even. The moment his mamma left, Even’s attention turned to their work, brow furrowing every few minutes.

It was then Isak just let himself look. Followed the long straight line of Even’s nose to the plump curve of his top lip. Back up to those long lashes just grazing high cheekbones. Not for the first time, Isak thought about just how beautiful Even was. How he wanted to just reach out and touch. He was close enough to do it. Just...a little...closer.

“How do I do number 17? Isak?” Isak starts at his name. Right. Homework.

“Um, what?”

“Number 17.”

“Uh yeah. Let me see it.” 

---

Everything is just...weird.

Like. Really fucking weird. 

Isak doesn’t know how to navigate through this new tension between them. It’s not really tension, but there isn’t a word to describe the way Even smiles in his general direction now, Isak has to admit, it’s a good smile. Gorgeous, even. It slots onto his face with such ease it’s hard to remember that any other expression had been there before. It makes his frowns harder to bear. They all look wrong, and all Isak wants to do is push at the corners until it’s better.

And it leaves Isak wondering if he’s experiencing some kind of Stockholm syndrome when it comes to Even. He hates the way his heart races when they talk. He can’t focus sometimes when his heavy gaze is on him. He hates that he lives for the moments Even is pressed up against him, whatever the circumstance. He feels gross for loving the hard planes of Even’s body. It’s sick and messed up and Isak should consider therapy for his...issues.

But Isak just doesn’t want to deal right now so he shoots Eskild a text. Some running will do him good. 

---

Isak is high.

Body heavy, thoughts swimming through jello, giggling at everything high. And it’s really great. He hasn’t had a chance to let go like this in a long time and now he’s a content puddle on his bed. Of course, Even had to walk in then. Because Isak can’t have anything to himself. Their tentative truce didn’t exactly make them best friends and Isak really just wanted some time in his happy place. 

“Are you smoking?”

“No.”

“Can I get a hit?”

“Hmm.” His arms aren’t working right but he manages to pass the joint over. He’s still staring at his ceiling (was it always so white?) when he feels the bed dip and then the warmth of a body next to his.

“Are you in my bed?”

“No.” And that’s it. They just lose it right there on Isak’s bed. It’s a little surreal. The most beautiful boy Isak’s ever seen just in his bed like he doesn’t hate Isak. His arm is radiating heat and Isak wants to burrow in the small comfort. His laugh is pretty, just like him. Even’s eyes sparkle in the dark. What a fucking concept.

“But, um, this is nice.”

“Nice?” He can hear Even’s eyebrows.

“You know. Not fighting. Not being hated. It’s nice.”

“I don’t hate you.” Isak snorts.

“Sure you don’t.”

“I don’t hate you, Isak.” Isak. It sounds so nice from Even’s mouth. Eeesahk. “I know I’m a little fucky but I don’t-it’s not hate.”

“You’re a lot fucky. Are you saying you beat me up for no reason?”

Even’s quiet for a long time. Isak wonders if he’s crossed some sort of line, when he feels Even turn to to face him. He looks over and really someone should have prepared him for this. He’s never had the opportunity to study Even’s eyes. They’ve always been a piercing blue, but Isak had no idea they were so deep.

“It wasn’t for no reason. But it’s not a very good reason.”

“Is this you telling me you don’t know how to say homophobe.” Isak isn’t sure where this is coming from, but he suspects it’s Even’s hypnotic eyes. They could pull secrets from a spy. Or maybe they just work that way on Isak.

“I’m not-it’s not because you’re gay. That’s just easy, you know? Just something I could use. Because you seem to hate it.”

“I don’t know how to react to that.” Isak frowns, the words falling out of his mouth before he even understands them. “I didn’t, like, come out, you know. I had a plan. In a few years, I’d tell my friends slowly. Tell my parents when pappa comes home. But pappa came and went and then fucking Emma happened.” He laughs wetly, tears barely registering. “‘It’s 2017, come out of the closet.’ Like it’s that easy.” Even’s hand made it’s way to Isak’s hip, rubbing slow circles that Isak can’t feel.

“My mamma’s husband is an asshole.” Even offers and Isak grabs at it. Anything to take away the feelings those memories bring.

“He doesn’t like you?”

“Fucking hates me. He’d probably beat on my mamma too if she weren’t so sick.” Oh. 

“Can-”

“What time is it?” Isak squints at his phone, the harsh light burning his retinas.

“21:21.”

“Let’s go.” Even jumps up with a speed Isak doesn’t understand, and heads to the open window. “Seriously, just come with me.” It takes a great deal of effort for Isak to peel himself off his bed, but he let himself be pulled out into the frigid night. 

“We’re going to freeze to death.”

“Not the worst way to go.”

“Even, where are we going?” Isak blows hot air onto his palms in an effort to keep warm. Something blocks Isak’s view of Even, and oh it’s his hoodie.

It smells so good.

“Please?”Isak is weak and gone for a boy that will never want him back. And still, he’d follow Even anywhere.

“Ok.”

They walk for what feels like years, through streets Isak doesn’t care enough to recognize. Hiding his nose in the soft fabric of the hoodie, until a familiar line of trees- dead trees- and a swingset come into view. Rusty slide. Sandpit. 

“You’re so beautiful, Isak.” Kiss. Lie. “I love you.” Kiss. Lie.

“My mom used to bring me here. Her and mamma were fighting a lot at the time.” 

“Is this why you won’t go out with me? You’re fucking gay? It’s 2017, come out of the closet.”

Even sends a small, sideways smile his way. Isak doesn’t see it. Isak can’t see anything through the tears.

“I don’t even want to look at you. You’re disgusting.”

Even doesn’t notice until Isak’s on his knees, quiet sobs shattering the silence of the park.

[itzjhay]

vent-

my bfff asked me to come thru to socal bc she said she needed me to be here. From the get go I told her that I was unemployed and had no typa funds so idk how I would pay for anything. She was hella like no no dude its okay and ill talk to your parents, so she swooped me from our hometown the last week of may with her quarantboo. i told her I would drive halfway and she was lowkey upset so by the time we were 40 miles away she was like can we buy alc. so im like okiiii so her boo and her bought alc, like within 15 mins home girl finished a whole bottle of Malibu to herself. Maybe like 30 mins later shes like jai I have to pee and her boo was like nah nah keep driving and im like nah if she has to pee its okiii so we pulled to the side of the road and homegirl blacked tf out while her boo was helping her boo and she started hella yackinnnn. And so we had to fix her throw up and so basically she was booty cheek ass naked and mind you its freaking broad daylight so im like telling her boo hurry we have to haul ass so this doesnt look sus. Long story short, I drove the entire way, paid for gas and paid for food while she was blacked out and her boo was in the back with her

We got to her brothers place in la and she was still hungover asf and didnt remember shit. She fell asleep while showering. And like the next day I was so dead from the drive and shes like cleaning and I asked her if she needed help. And shes like no im okay. So I go ahead and start packing bc she got a place in lb so we were leaving her brothers apt. and then we get to lb and her mans was going to come over and I told her hey if he is going to come over can he at least bring water bc we have no typa groceries. And shes like omg no thats embarrassing and im like oh okay and then he comes thru and she tells him how I haven’t done shit and she cleaned the whole place and how she paid for the place in lb and I was like damn thats a slap across the face bc i told you my situation from the get go lol so then like I just mind my business and then im like she makes it seem like Im not going to help out so like the next day I spend $500 in groceries, and her and her boo aint say shit or say thank you or anything

Then like im like okay thats fine, at least i am able to contribute in some way so I end up being cleaning lady, cooking lady, house lady bc I felt like damn im living here for free lemme at least try and help in someway. But homegirl has a problem where she blacks the fuck out and doesnt remember when shes drinking. So the same day I got groceries and she was in class and her boo was having people over and he was drinking and they got into a fight bc she felt fomo, so this girl drinks two trulys and she is alrdy fucked the fuck up and he gives her two shots of henny and she yacks, and I have to clean it and calm her down, and I tell her boo to bring her to the bathroom pls while I clean her yack and shes like going off on him in the bathroom and his friends are like okii I think we need to leave and her boo is like no no its coo and they’re like nah dude yall should handle that and so shes in the bathroom and shes like cussing him out but I didnt know bc I was clean up crew, and she goes off for like a half hour and half until she passes out booty cheek ass naked in the shower, her boo probably walked out like thirty minutes ago and so I checked up on him and hes like I cant handle that disrespect ya feel me and hes like I applaud you for being able to be so calm and so then I was his therapist/counselor and by that time it was like 2-3am so I told him ima call it a night and if he needs anything to wake me

Apparently I was passed the fuck out so he didnt wake me up but homegirl yacked on him and peed so he had to handle that alone and didnt sleep until like 5am and im like omg shiiii and then its like 6:30am and she comes to my room hella crying and im like omg what happened are you okay and shes like what did I do I dont remember what happened so I told her and shes like omg im so embarrassed and thats so bad and im like yeah dude you were cussing him out and went off on him and shes like I think hes mad at me I dont want him to leave me and im like nah dude I dont think hes going to leave you but I think you should let him sleep bc he hasn’t slept at all and shes hella persistent like no I want and need to talk to him and im like dude you have class soon you have to focus on that we’ll handle it later and I go talk to her boo and hes like over it but then eventually they make up bc I was like mediator and shit

Then it happens the next day where she gets fucked up over like three trulys and shes like in the tub again yacking and throwing a fit at him and hes like honestly I dont want to deal with this disrespect again and im like no I feel it its okay I understand ill handle it… then I am her therapist and counselor and tell her she needs to calm down but I guess she just be internalizing their fights and everything to the next level soooo yeah…. And then like a couple days go by and like its the weekend and I got invited to go to my other friends boyfriends friends graduation party where basically all hell happened….

So basically I got picked up by my other friend and main homegirl and her boo were spending the day together mind you I started drinking by like 2pm and it was probably like 7pm and home girls texts me that shes alone at the park by herself bc they got into something so im like okay come thru and she comes thru and like maybe like 10 mins in she is alrdy fucked up…. And im like laying on the floor chilling and I get up and im like oh fuck where is she and so I find her upstairs with my guy friend and she was alrdy fucked up yacking and he was helping her and im like omg I can handle this and hes like no its okay she needs help and so shes like jai jai call my boo and im like okay okay and so I call her boo and hes like out with his friends and he hangs up and tells me he doesnt want to deal with her disrespect so he’ll let me handle it and im like no worries enjoy your friend time and then she just goes berserk…. She cusses everyone out, she yacks, she goes face first down the stairs, she breaks my friends fan and she was just going off, and instantly kills everyones vibes… and shes like booty cheek ass naked and like thats just hella embarrassing not just to my other friend but to her housemates who own the house, but to like everyone….. and so my friend was like jai she has to go and im like okay but shes fucked up and everyone went to fucked up to sober so fast bc of homegirl… and so I said ill handle it on my own… so I was alone in the bathroom with home girl and she was going off on me and I like broke down and I was so embarrassed bc like I didnt come to socal for this….and eventually me, my friend, her housemate and my guy friend help me bring homegirl home back to our place and I packed all my shit that night while she was passed out… and im like I cant do it this is the last straw…

So Im telling her boo the update and how we are home and she lost her phone and hes like thank you for updating me and I say im packing bc I cant do this anymore and hes like dont leave her youre her rock and im like no im not leaving her but like damn that was just too much for me… and then I wake up at 6am and shes awake and asks what happened and I told her and im in tears and I said ima leave but I didnt and then we get ready to go to church bc her boo was expecting us to go to church and it was hella awkward bc my friend was texting me saying wtf happened and her house mates feel a way and I was trying to move in with them so they’re like questioning me as a person and if im drama bc of how last night turned out …. And pretty much I apologize via text to my friend and her housemates bc that was so embarrassing and they dont really react to what happened or say much. So we went to church and we met her boo and after we get food and it was like an awkward lunch bc her and I get confrontational and her boo was like well you have a wonderful down real ass friend right here and she was like thank you for the intermission but lets go and her boo was like so was this like in one ear and out the other and im like yup and she replies like no I just dont think we can dwell in the past so they decide to go to the mall and im on the phone with my friend and my mom bc im updating them on the shits that happened so then we leave the mall and we drop him off and then her and I drive in silence and go to our rooms and im on the phone with my friend and homegirl goes to sleep in her room and then I check on her and the door is locked so im like okay and then we have to go to pm church and we drive again in silence

And I start having an anxiety/panic attack and so im like dude im not right rn and so I have to collect myself and she doesnt really say much… and then I collect myself then we meet her boo and we go to church and she was like not in the mood but I wanted to do something and her boo and his friends wanted to go to the brewery but then she was like I dont want to be the reason yall dont do anything so lets go but first I need to get my phone, so we stop by my friends place to get homegirls phone and my friend tells homegirl to be mindful next time and everything…. And then thats that and we leave to go meet up at the brewery and I order 3 flights of beer which is like 12 in total LMAO bc it has been A MF DAY and its coo bc she isn’t really down with beer anyways and so we go and then head home and her boo and his friends come over with Seagrams which is like 3% alc and then we are all chilling and shit then his friend asks homegirl for her permission if her boo can go out Friday night for his birthday and shes like why do you need to ask for my permission and so for an hour the friend is trying to convince her to let him go and its in front of everyone and she walks out and were all like oh fucking fuck then her boo comes back and says that she cried it all out and they talked and everything so she comes back and apologizes to the friend and then like we all call it a night

Then like the next day its just like I stay in bed until like 2pm and go back to sleep bc im so tired and then its like 4pm and im like hey can you bring me to my titas in la and her and her boo seemed hella upset bc they were supposed to work out and everything…. But I was like hey I have to go tho bc my tita is waiting for me and she has work and so she drops him off and then drops me off at la and im like hey I wanna say I dont hate you and I am not mad and dont think I am abandoning you and shes like no dude im fine and im over it im never going to see those girls ever again and im sure im out of that housing living situation so dont worry and shes like I told my parents how you and I need space from one another and they were really confused and she was like yeah they’re like but youre so easy going why do yall need space and I laughed and was like yeah youre not easy going when youre drinking and then the rest of the car ride was silent and awkward and I asked her if she needed gas money or anything and shes like no im okay and im fine and then she hella just seemed like she was over it and wanted to rush back to her mans… and I could tell that.. I walked her back to her car and shes like call me if you need anything and im like yeah thank you, take care text me when you get home safe and the 15th is the last time her and I spoke…

I mean I dont expect her to pay me back for groceries or anything, if she wanted to pay me she could have and if she didnt thats okay too I dont expect shit in return yaknooo like thats just me and thats my heart if I am down for you ima just be hella down for you like we’ve been friends since high school yaknoo and like I needed space bc like I didnt come here to be your care giver but dont think I left bc Im over you like yeah I may have been petty and upset but I alrdy know how she is when she gets a mans she forgets me and focuses on the relationship, I appreciate the fact that her mans was okiii with me yaknoo and made that effort and he knows ive only shown goodness to her and to him, I know there is something deeper within her I could tell when she came back to cali and when I saw her in feb she wasn’t okay, I told her I dont think shes mentally stable and I broke down saying I really dont know who she is when shes drunk and shes looking to fill the void that she feels and how she cant push me and him away when we are trying to be there for her I mean if anything I helped her be able to communicate with him a whole lot better yet she didnt communicate anything with me except her relationship and feels she has for him, i guess it just sucks bc like I never knew that we’d end up like this lol she still views my ig stories and has my location I think its kinda funny bc like I honestly really came here because of her and for her yaknoo and I texted her around 7pm today and like I know she saw my text and she just didnt react to it and I know shes home so idk dude

A part of me feels stupid bc its like why am I so down for people I love, yet its like damn I didnt know I had to question whether or not youre as down for me *kanye shrugs* maybe my heart really be so damn big and forgiving, I feel the tears in my eyeballs wanting to flow out I guess I didnt realize how much it hurts me til right now lol

[celestialallstars]

Episode #10: “everyone hates me so its good thing its mutual i guess” - Bryce

Welcome to the bottom Jared xoxo

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There’s no way I could ever feel less like an all star than I do right now

Honestly? I don't regret voting for Matt still. Would it have been smarter to just vote Mitch? Sure, but I wanted to have faith and it just didnt work out, that's ok. What I will say is that Bryce/Rhys/Zach all kind of showed themselves at this vote and while I won't act on it now, I won't forget either! Now I am just gonna try to make Bryce feel like he is in a powerful spot and then go with it!

I think what I'll try to do now is talk with Jack a little more. If I make him feel too comfy around me, it'll lessen the odds of him wanting me out as soon. Right now, I also need to try talking with Chloe a little more in general just to use it to get her to want to vote with us again. As for Michael/Rhys, I'm gonna have to put on my acting skills because they are now an obvious pair that needs to be split.- I don't care who goes first between them. Actually no, I prefer Rhys. I know Bryce, Zach, and Loris wouldn't vote me just yet, but I want to ensure Jared/Stephen's safety and now that I know how some people are going to be, it just makes it easier for me to know who to focus on.

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I realized that my biggest gripe with this from Bryce is that two tribals ago we literally threw a challenge to ensure his safety and so knowing he was so quick to do this and that Zach was so willing to follow suit kinda felt like a slap in the face of the work put into that. I did not mind if he felt like he wanted to flip, but like he pretty much ignored everything I and I'm sure others were trying to say. The thing is, Bryce goofed because knowing he intentionally wanted to do Mitch before the challenge was over sucks more, but it also hinders argument he made. To make all of these valid points and him to go "well, im gonna do Mitch anyways" it didn't make sense unless it was his intention all along. What him and Rhys have done is sure, have a move to put on their resumes, but also show their cards so early that it gives PLENTY of reason to use against them later. So you know what, I'm gonna sit here and eat my food for now but save some leftovers.

Me being on the right side of a vote??? It’s more likely than you think. MAN that felt good, Matt stays once again and Mitch goes home, someone who wasn’t being honest with me. It shouldn’t have been that close and we got HELLA lucky Loris selfed but I’ll take it any way I can. Idk who flipped seems like chloe is the most likely culprit. But hey now I have some relations with Bryce Zach and Rhys! Also wasn’t Jared supposed to be in on this vote? Snaking me again smfh

After last night I feel 100% more comfortable in the tribe and for my future just because the lines seem to be constantly blurring and that’s gonna help me seep through the cracks of alliances to get further in the game and possibly the best thing is that people seem to be getting larger targets as the days go on which means I can hopefully make some power plays later on down the line but for right now I just need to keep talking to people and maybe get a few evil schemes going on getting in peoples heads teehee.

After asking me not to tell a soul, Jared has told Bryce of all people that Chloe flipped and its like well. She definitely is not gonna trust us now and Bryce has enough power as is. Its just like, a frustrating thing because we are already in the minority and have to rely on people who lied to us and now we are burning bridges like its London. I wont say its karma just yet but we had this coming. Meanwhile Matt is over here wanting me to swear to never vote him out. Alrighty cjnigo Montoya is in effect from here on out so I may play a little dirty

SO! Last night was a mess. Bryce, Zach, and Rhys went through with a plan to turn on the 8 because Mitch was scary or something. Now I know why God hates the gays. It's unfortunate but I'm not giving up. This is just proof that I need to work on my relationships with Jack, Matt, Michael, and Chloe since the 4 of them probably aren't going anywhere anytime soon.

I'm pretending that things are cool with Bryce though, so in the event that I can't target him any time soon, he's inclined to keep me around.

It's unfortunate but I don't really trust Zach at this point either. Him and Bryce mis-represented the situation to me which caused me to waste hours trying to convince them not to flip. But I knew it was a plan they came up with the night before so why were they pretending to still be on the fence, hm? Not a fan of having my time wasted. Zach should know better than anyone else on the cast that burning me like this doesn't end well.

Anyway, it's time to get to work on digging myself out of the hole I'm in.

Well Stephen just gave me a boatload of information. Apparently there was an alliance on Orfeo of Sharky, Michael, Drew, and Chloe. During the Kori vote obv Michael and Drew flipped to Matt, then Chloe joined aboard. So that group was a legit concern for people, and since Alyssa and I were connected to Michael Drew and Matt via Cyrena 2.0, we became targets. Suddenly this makes sense, and I was kind of right about an anti-Cyrena conspiracy because it was basically anti Cyrena 2.0 there. Sucks because we didn't do anything necessarily but oh well.

The problem is if they were an alliance... and we're concerned that Michael or Chloe flipped... why would they go against each other? So either Zach or Bryce actually flipped or Rhys did or Michael or Chloe did. IDK this whole thing is a mess and I don't know who is going to be voting with what this round but I'm not committed to anyone long term except for Matt really. We'll see what happens

So, last night I had all but convinced myself that voting for Mitch is the right move. Still, I was on call with Zach/Bryce to make a final plea. Unfortunately I was at work so I busy for 5 minutes and we got added to the tribal call.

Directly before and at the beginning of that call, for some reason I decided to clue Chloe in and try my best to convince her that voting Matt was best for her game. When I got busy I was 100% certain she had no interest in doing that. But, when I came back to my phone, this occurred:

https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/613390015581519902/627137624561418250/Screenshot_20190927-094036_Discord.jpg

Now I'm in a bit of a mess because Bryce forced me to tell him who flipped and then realized that Chris knows 🤦‍♂️

everyone hates me so its good thing its mutual i guess KAHDFKJ

Today I am trying to feel hopeful! What I felt needed to happen, along with my closer allies, is that we get Bryce/Zach and such wanting to target Michael or Matt. After being successful, we'd possibly label them as playing the middle and use it to get people for targeting them. Whether or not we actually vote them out can be debated, however, this can go a long way. Now, yesterday, I talked with Matt and Jack and honestly? I found I prefer them over Michael and Chloe possibly. I think for me, I talked more consistently with Michael/Chloe, but I am here to try new things and perhaps it can help in the long run given Matt/Jack can be targeted just as much as Michael/Chloe. Even better, Bryce apparently is focused on getting Michael out, and since me and Steph have been talking to Matt/Jack I think getting Michael voted could open the door for us more than voting Matt out. Rhys/Chloe will probably have a problem with this but they'll live I suppose

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So the plan now is to do Matt and I've taken it upon myself to talk to Michael, Chloe, and Rhys. Michael seemed cordial as did Chloe, and I think I actually had Rhys thinking I thought no bad thing in regards to his antics, but Chloe went from saying she hadn't heard any name at all, to me telling her I heard Matt, to her saying she thinks Matt is the solid plan for the night in like 20 minutes max? I guess it helps to know that she was lying lol

So like ya I think I'm kinda fucked. If you're not gay or friends with a few select people , you're definitely on the outs and it's really annoying. I know my game is trash but still lemme be somewhat bitter for goodness sake! It's very clear anyone who was on cyrena 1.0/2.0 is in danger on the bottom, which is super dumb cause it's literally just circumstantial but hey I can't do anything bout it. I'm over these people and want to slap them out of the game. So fake and I'm just awaiting my death honestly.time to off myself!!!1!!1

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Could be my final confessional LOL

im frustrated but i def am just over thinking it i suppose.

So, this vote I’m trying to lay low. I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m in the middle. So laying low may not be an option. Matt wants me to keep him, but the old 7 wants me to vote with them so ahhh. Idk what to do.

SO I have no idea who is actually on board but at the very least I have come up with a plan to save Matt. Chloe and Michael seem to be stirring shit up and Chris has caught on to it, and Stephen is being dragged down as a result. So, me Matt Rhys Zach Bryce plus Chris and Stephen make this a 7-4 vote against ideally Chloe, so that Michael would feel like he has to come back to us. Hopefully. If not no big deal that's a solid majority for this vote. I'm only really thinking 1 vote at a time because I know that this is a really fluid situation and people probably aren't gonna want to stick to things for too long, so as long as I can just work round by round I'll be okay. But hopefully this works and we get at least 6 to keep Matty here another round.

Last round I voted Matt. The round before I voted Matt. People keep telling me to vote Matt even though it’s one of the last things I want to do. And somehow I keep getting fucked over. I’ve never wanted to vote Matt. I adore Matt. I love him with my entire heart. He’s being done dirty. I hate this cast. Fuck them all. Idk why I didn’t trust my gut and vote Mitch last round. I let a man cloud my judgment. The dumbest thing I’ve done all season

OHH AH OOH AH. I'm so fucking nervous and like ahhhhh my name is out there so i just have to hope and pray, if i can just survive this one round i know Jared is gonna take shots at big players like Bryce and Zach and hopfully we can start setting players against one another. i just need to survive this one round just need to survive.

Today I did dip my hand into the jar of chaos. I told Jack about the weirdness from Michael and Chloe and it slipped about Betty White and so one thing led to another and he and Matt want to target Michael and Chloe, which really, my goal was to just get them off of Stephen if he was on there. Now when this vote does not happen, I sadly think I'm gonna have to pass it off as not having the numbers but trying. Honestly? If we had the numbers, I'd be willing to do it, but since we cannot I believe after this tribal, it is best I talk with Jack on how to lie low but try to pull the numbers from underneath people. Jared wants to work with Jack at least but right now? We need Rhys gone after this or else our odds sink down.

hi! <3 It’s day 23! ummm... wow I’m so happy I’ve made it this far like... if I survive one more round I’ll have officially outlasted half of the people in the cast and like for my first all star season like... I’ll be so proud of myself for doing that that’s so cool..... as for this round umm I think the vote is between matt and Chloe? I have literally no clue what is going on but all I know is that I need to start turning on people soon. like. Bryce Rhys and Zach have the right to turn on mitch... surely I can do the same... idk the way the game is going I just don’t think there’s a world I win in against some people and though I don’t have an idol this time... I’m gonna try n make moves to get the power players out. I just have to make sure that the people I don’t talk to leave so that I’m only left with people that want to work with me. I’m a clown I’m literally gonna leave tonight or something how embarrassing.

As the hours tick on the more nervous I get. Everyone I’ve talked to says that Matts the vote but everytime we try and vote the bitch he seems to just weasel his way through the cracks and survives so I’m really nervous tonight but hopefully things go my way. I can only hope that my allies stay true. It’ll be absolutely TRAGIC to not at least tie my previous placement when the bars so fucking low. I just don’t wanna go even tho this game is not going the best for me.

so i'm either leaving or staying. I'm for sure getting some votes tonight and we are hopefully not getting enough to kick me out or an idol being played. I've worked my butt off these past few hours to get a majority on chloe, who has been deemed by both sides as playing the middle, and not playing it well at all. if it works, hooray for me cause i still get to stay even longer. if not and i go home, i know ive fought my ass off to stay here and should be proud. Watch me leave basically unan LOL but still, ik i should be proud. I've wiped the bbq sauce off my tiddies and ate it for BWEAKFAST. that is all

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Matt is voted out 8-3. He becomes the second member of our jury.

Watch Matt’s exit interview take place below: