#im sad im not that into SF anymore

[littlehappyrabbit]

redraw of a drawing from a good long while ago! With swapfell Frisk!

[sleepythug]

Movie theater manager

I could never see myself as the manager of anything lmfao im an introvert that's only beginning to age out of introversion and act the part of someone who isn't one good enough to throw people off. wanted to work at a movie theater before+during the pandemic, when they had limited occupancy, but don't really have any interest in pursuing a gig at one anymore.

would be awesome if we lived in a world projectionists we're still a thing at the average theater. I looked it up once to see if multiplexes have one in even a limited capacity (digital obv has nixed any need for one) and I read that theater managers basically program, and play shit off a queue, which is so sad 😭

projectionist would have been such a sick gig to work. there's probably only a handful of places that show movies on films near by* and they're beyond 50+ mile radius of me (mostly sf), that have a projectionist anymore, and i assume it's probably such exclusive work too. rip to that dream

[numum]

it seems that tumblr may have just dug the last few feet of its grave, so this might be a good time for me to start being more active on other platforms

Instagram

Twitter

DeviantArt

[crepuscularghost]

holy shit my brain feels so broken lately

i have the opportunity to go dancing this friday with a near stranger in sf but i feel that's too soon and too far away esp since i don't know this person but im tempted to go just b/c im so bored and unenthused about life i won't b/c im going to stay safe and local where if the off chance we don't get along anymore and they abandon me at some bar i could always call my bf up if im in sf that's like a 2 hour wait at night in questionable parts of the city sooo i feel like something like this would break me out of this cycle im in where my head just feels heavy and painful and im staring death in the face all the time and my first instinct is to just whack it out until i feel nothing again but a dizzying high from a concussed head. how am i supposed to come clean to strangers that i self inflict abuse? i don't think im ready for the dating world yet, really, and im kind of sad about it. im looking to fill voids but im not properly taking care of myself and im not sure im ready to be inviting strangers into my life about how... bad i really am doing, nearly, all the time. like i should properly be admitted rn but im too nervous to be without my comforts and be in a place without my permissions, taking drugs i don't agree to, sharing a room and a bathroom with several other people.

i think im going to go lay down and press restart on today. i went for walk. i got a little sunshine. but right now i just want to disappear from the world and forget i exist for a little bit. im doing my best for my mental health but without proper direction i tend to meander through good and bad actions for the self. at least at home i don't have a nurse coming in every 30 minutes saying "group" because they don't want you to Actually Rest there they want you to be Miserable.. count my blessings.

[slowwshoww]

i feel a little stupid bc my friend had me go w him to pick his sister up from sf yesterday and was talking about board games today and whatever and i guess i wanted to be invited but he didnt invite me and now im trying not to be sad but i AM sad and im trying not to just get in my car and drive to santa cruz bc we're going to scz tomorrow and i dont wanna drive over the hill two days in a row but like

i also dont want to be alone but i dont want to be here

man idk what i want anymore maybe i'll just take a nap

[t-underneaththeradardancing]

i play the fool - perhaps more than actual - its fun and im so good at it - better than a hanged man or chad  - a skittish crow fed i dont think from my murder - is it time yet for a grail quest at least some windmill tilting - do we need an anthem like the national 

im diggin an actual springtime  - still layer but its sf and thatz all year usual - keep it casual mostly - my suit dont fit anymore anyway - a rock star scarf always come in handy tho gets in the way when actually performing 

gess im chill but not as fuck quite  - deep trance need - soon come - intentional - bonds and boundaries  - something new happen imma overthinking  - i regret not surfing tho a board skate yah a lot i fell  

still do - not a good thing for the old as fuck - doctor warned me when 66 i turned i think its required  - im good at falling tho maybe that help - are pratfalls really funny - r all clowns really sad and lonely  - the onez from outer space r killers who r human  - which reminds me 

fuck all almost all done for the day - a trip to the grocery - dinner dishes kitty feed - a bbc murder mystery w the unpoet maybe

[ofprima]

( lucy boynton. twenty-six. cisfemale. she/her. ) ❛ clover prima davis, a virgo from san francisco moved into holloway seven months ago. they are a professional figure skater that lives in apartment 6d here and their neighbors don’t particularly mind them. some say they can be -skeptical and -competitive but others say they’re +scrupulous and +fervid. anyways, one thing is for sure: you hear hero by family of the year, it’s prima blasting it. ( penned by barb, twenty-one, gmt +1. )

hello everybody ! i’m bar / barb / barbie ,, and im late lmfao . anyway ! i just got home from a long ass trip so this intro is gonna be .. hashtag le tragic . anyway ! i’m in the discord chat & i check there often , so if ya wanna plot , don’t hesitate to hmu from there or here ! 

so ! clover prima is the only daughter of british mom & american dad . they separated @ the early beginning of her teenage years , dad coming out of the closet . it was a dead marriage anyway , but prima had hard time coming in terms with it : /

dad remarried his high school bae . they moved to sf , where they proceeded to adopt four kids into their blended family , which is a wc !!

so um . prima is a professional figure skater ; her passion for the sports began with the push from her dad , and the pretty costumes they wore lmao .

she never exactly made it to the olympics , always falling just a tiny bit short .

the thing with prima is that , being a virgo to the bone , she never settles for enough , always strives for more , knowing damn well she can’t have it yikes

the problem : abt twenty-one months ago , fed up with all of her hard work not paying off , not being good enough , not living her life enough , she decided to have a girls out . missing subject : the girls . 

she grew up extremely isolated & struggled maintaining friendships , afraid of losing : /

anyway . she took the matters to her own hand , got super wasted & just like those moronic insta at drunkpeopledothings ( or something like that ) , she decided to jump off a second floor , on a table .

u can figure out how it went - she broke her leg . adios professional skating , adios olympics : )))

ever since the incident , she lost all of sponsor deals & had to get herself a new place. 

yikes this is getting super sad

im not feeling like writing anymore

uh

connection ideas ?? the first person she met . someone that recognised her , somehow ?? ıHHH im so tired rip

[roguestarsailor]

I HATE BEING THIS OLD AND NOT KNOWING THINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i’vee been mad at my past self actually. watching stranger things* makes me feel this yearning for my childhood/teen years and wishing i’d done things differently. i sometimes regret how i spent it and now im a loser adult who hadn’t experienced ANYTHING and will never know the feeling of just being carefree. i mean i know why i didn’t do those things but god talking to other people, watching media depict these rich lives makes me soo sad; like i really am wasting my youth. the depiction of teenage love, having sex for the first time, going on dates, quiet glances in class, sooo many of those things i WISSSHHHH happened to me. even in college, i never got up the courage to do any of those things. now im moving to a different city and i’m literally not ready. i feel like a fucken child but im a grown ass woman who has never done anything ever. i have none of these experiences and quite frankly im so ashamed that i don’t--its embarassing!!! i dont want some stupid guy to teach me things; i wish i could have just done those things as a teen and not be so green about everything. i wish i was just normal!! i wish these things just came easily. i wish i could just date a man and enjoy it. i wish i didn’t stress about sex every time i talk to a man in a romantic setting. i wish i knew the feeling of wanting to kiss somebody. i wish i was just normal and did those things as a teen or early 20s. now i’m playing catch up and im really just standing there as everyone moves on with their lives. soo many of my friends just did those things and now theyre in long term relationships and is soo natural for them to just lean on their boyfriends and speak in “we”, “us”, “ours”, picking up random facetime and chatting about the mundane things.....and i really really want that my heart hurts!! i wish i could one day be that open with my feelings and have it reciprocated..

and i think thats it. i didn’t put in the hours to learning how to be with someone and now im solidifying being alone*. like im used to my company and year after year im just learning to be ok with just lil ol me, and its just exhausting trying to anticipate things happening and knowing that i pretty much have to support myself in all capacity of life (figure out how to weather politicians that pride themselves in taking away my rights). i have a responsibility for my family too and i have to factor that in as well. but my god, i fucken wish i could just be normal and be like a lot of girls i know (basically my age or belowww!!!!!!!) who can just settle down w their person and know there is some sort of support and have that companion that they can depend on as they grow through the life stages. and most of them seem liek they actively love their persons too (wtf???)

anywho not feeling great this week. lots of emotions and everything feels like a trigger to me. i feel like an absolute CHILDDD.

:\

-

*yes i should know my triggers and what to avoid. yes i shouldn’t compare my life to others because mine circumstances are different..but my god i feel like such a stupid slow loser

*everyone at work keeps saying “how young i am” now that im going to SF but these people are also like i met my husbands at 25. yyeah okkk. doesnt help when so many people you know are just settled and live with their partners. honestly, meeting ppl might not be good for me anymore. and by meeting people i mean most of the girlies i’ve met through SAT and we recently had a happy hour w a bunch of them and theyre all just in relationships and thats all they talk about. is just how they can quit their jobs and have their partner supporrt them or how much more money they make than them and tho they are grateful they have that safety net or just having ur default travel buddy, doing shit together, and again “us”/”we”/etcetc. oh god maybe i gotta stop hanging out with these people..,until i sort out my fucked up brain.............i gotta get a therapist holy shit

[lokbobpop]

Friend

Looking at the word 'friend' in English, it is derived from the Old English word 'freond' which meant to love or to favour. This is similar to Italian, Spanish and Portugese that their word for friend is also derived from the verb, to love

1 : a person who has a strong liking for and trust in another person. 2 : a person who is not an enemy friend or foe. 3 : a person who helps or supports something She was a friend to environmental causes

Friend fri end frien f f riend

Writing friend

Funny how we judge ourself on ho many friends we have like the more friends we have the better we feel about ourselves as we think we must be better people and this sort of comes true in some aspect as people who are not so nice people just dont like them but not for all some really evil people that are doing some dreadful things on this planet have many friends as like attracts like so i have. Couple of friends really close friend is only my husband i feel he’s my best friend bit he is also my husband.

I have a few friend but i feel one i compare myself to all the time as i see she is better than me and my desire to win beat and be better is great i see this relationship has to change it doesn’t work how its been set up for me. A couple o have fucked up with being immature which i feel very sad about, one I couldn’t stand to hear the moan about like anymore and she now angry but mostly i see i have pissed people off i. Pretty good at that but should i now define myself from what ive done no I shouldn’t at all, yes i fucked up to many times when I think about it on lots of people well ones i care about but i dont need to feel bad about myself i can change this by forgiving myself i see my immaturity has played a big roll in showing me my emotional problems so i dotn havre to do them again i can start a new friendship with a proper fountain.

Reading friend

I dont do parties i dont have enough friends but in fact i dont like cooking or the cleaning the looking after comes up this top lazy Caroline comes up lol which is something ot work on as ive not worked on it at all what with my thyroid it’s enhanced it even more.

I would like a really good friend one i can be there for and they would be there for me i do have one but not in the same country in fact is I tried i could have many more friends than i do already

My desteni friends i cant call them real as ive never even met them but most will and would support me if i asked them well all i have to do is ask hey.

How important friend are how i have mistreated friends ive made many friends and ive been the problem id say i need to forgive myself I forgive myself for allowing and accepting anger revenge jealousy come up within me when having a good friend and not seein how im acting in inferiority and think i have the need to protect me and what i have yes this is my bad breath i see i dont have much and it needs protecting yes the bad breath syndrome mmm interesting vice lost a few like this dont touch whats mine lol so in seeing this about myself i see i thought i was protecting myself but i wasnt i was only seeing myself as not good enough fearful and i embrace myself i embrace all parts that didnt see what it was doing to me how it mislead me and i allowed this to happen it wont happen again i have grown but i do see what i have done yes fear but i still love me i see i didnt know what i was doing then i do now.

Saying friend

Friend or fo ive been trying to make friends with people i wasnt pleasant and they are not interested really in becoming friends as we were again and i see this has upset me that they dont there is a few but who Angela Cathy Jackie Sarah and another Jackie but i want to be friends with them again i want them to see im different and im a good person but its still tainted with what ive done i see so i can only try the rest is them they have ot forgive me for sure hey :) as i Long as i forgive myself which i do i wasnt grown enough i was wrong but i see i dont have to be like this again as its no mature.

Im looking forward to making many more friends in my life for life this time and helping these friends and they help me

I cant say i have a best friend outside my husband and thats ok it really is.

Sf

Does this definition support me no shames comes up within me that ive been a bad person and forgive this about me is great embracing it about me is great as i can see i might not be able to change what i had done within my immaturity but i can not do it again and i see what i did was only not having a handle on my emotions and it takes people time to forgive each other as do i myself so pretty good really i have the chance of making many new friends

I see i have preferred men as my friends from a very early age i just seem to get on with them better.

Friend freed

Friend

To be my upmost best within myself of no energy to be stable caring and loving to myself and another to see realize and understand any reaction is of fear and not real even if it is real it was just meant to be.

To like a person and all parts of that person to see within that person i see my they are always mirroring myself so i can see me all the time what am i allowing

I will use this to show me how i allow myself to be with a friend with them only being my mirror to show me who i am allowing within me.

[miratda]

hi i haven’t sent u a message in a min so do all the question things

thank u for letting me talk abt myself its what i deserve (i put most under the cut so i hope it works bc its long as fuck)

1.Do you want a boyfriend or girlfriend?👀 im taken so

2. When did your last hug take place?idk i hugged my mom last night

3. Are you a jealous person?jealous in a sad "everyone is sm better than me"

4. Are you tired right now?yes always

5. Do you chew on your straws?yep oof

6. Have you ever been called a tease?yes lmao

7. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?no

8. Do you cry easily?im crying right now bitch!

9. What should you be doing right now?cleaning my room or showering but im catching up on twd instead

10. Are you a heavy sleeper?yes

11. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months?yep i can last in a relationship as long as possible until the other person gets tored of me

12. Are you mad at someone right now?probably lmao

13. Do you believe in love?yes

14. What makes you laugh no matter what?the video of that twitch streamer showing off his chicken parmesan then proceeding to drop it all over his desk and then cries about it

15. Who was the last person you talked to?you ho

16. Do you get butterflies around the person you like?always lol

17. Will you get married?idk maybe when im older

18. When was the last time you smiled?its been a while

19. Does anyone like you?i sure hope so

20. Do you secretly like someone?not secretly but

21. Who was the first person you talked to today?cas

22. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?ive never felt comfortable talking ever

23. What are you NOT looking forward to?work on wednesday

24. What ARE you looking forward to?my doctors appt so he can give me some pills thatll make me not feel anything anymore

25. Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you, and meant it?nope

26. Suppose you see your ex kissing another person what would you do?shrug emoji bc honestly i dont care about her lmao

27. Do you plan on moving out within the next year?probably not

28. Are you a forgiving person?kinda ill say i forgive but deep down im still hurt as fuck

29. How many TRUE friends do you have?like 3

30. Do you fall for people easily?yeah

31. Have you ever fallen for your ex’s best friend?no

32. What’s the last thing you put in your mouth?water

33. Who was the last person you drove with?my friend gab

34. How late did you stay up last night and why?1-2am bc i couldnt sleep

35. If you could move somewhere else, would you?id move to sf if i wasnt broke

36. Who was the last person you took a picture of?gab

37. Can you live a day without TV?yeah i rarely watch tv

38. When was the last time you were extremely disappointed?im always disappointed

39. Three names you go by…rand, miranda, dumb bitch

40. Are you currently in a relationship?yes 💕

41. What is your all-time favorite romance movie?love simon!!!!!!! fuck!!!!!!!

42. Do you believe that everyone has a soul-mate?yes whether it be a romantic or not

43. What’s your current problem?existing

44. Have you ever had your heart broken?when ur sensitive like me you have your heart broken on a daily basis

45. Your thoughts of long distance relationships?theyre just as valid as any other kind and you're stronger than any us marine if youre in one

46. How many kids do you want to have?idk maybe a daughter when im much older

47. Have you ever found it hard to tell someone you like them?yep

[bokchoiis]

i just wanna announce im

rearranging my top groups bc jackson has been letting me down, jb has been letting me down, bambam BEEn letting me down, i dont stan got7 anymore

its more like youngjae, jinyoung, and friends

and i havent been keeping up with seventeen either akjdfakld i feel so bad i love them to the moon and back but my intense and vigorous love just faded away idk i feel sad :(

on another note i went to monsta x in sf and it was the best concert i have ever been dare i say, it beat got7′s in 2015 by miles and miles, it had so many great effects, it was a fULL CONCERT it was amazing i love them

[demonialex]

?

[reposting with added “player 3 has entered the game” aka i was admitted into another uni askljdghkdshgsklg and now im even more indecisive smh]

turns out i have to decide abt which uni to go to before monday. yay fucking y a y. ok im still so unsure i mean i know i know “follow your dreams” etc etc but dude… listen…. dat good ol depression with aanxiety with trauma are making this way harder than it probably is?? anyways here’s a list of pros and cons in case anyone wants to try to help idk dont feel pressured im just so so so stressed and overwhelmed and also depressed but like not super sad depressed more like “jfc why dont i just give up and idk maybe go back to my home country and try to live there or just kms or smth so i stop being a burden”

anyways.

*sf (this is the one in florida) ; was admitted into film which im v curious abt and always liked even tho never actually took a class abt ir :^)

pros:

close to my parents (aka if thigns go to shit or i get sick yadda yadda i have ppl close by

i actually know ppl who live in the area

got a scsholarship so in the end (2yrs) it will be like 17k cheaper (huge af difference)

i’ve been to the campus before

i already have a therapist here (i hate his guts but at least he gives me my meds)

cons:

public transportation is trash and my ass doesn’t know how to drive (tho i guess i could get a car and keep living with my parents and just commute everyday but im rly rly terrified of driving which is stupid i know)

i cant work while studying (technically i can but it’s super hard to get the job cuz there are a bunch of rules abt it

stress cuz to keep the scholarship i need to do at least 15 credits/semester and keep a 3.0gpa

i hate living in florida (sorry florida, nothing personal)

to change my major to compsci i need not only math but also physics

c*ncordia (the one in montreal); was admitted for psychology (which i rly like tho i dont see myself working in anymore)

pros:

i’ve wanted to move to canada for ages

no physics pre-requisite to change my major to compsci!

i can work 20hrs/week anywhere

suposedly great public transportation

i can study just 12credits/semester

cons:

i’ve never actually visited canada

i dont know anyone in montreal

i dont speak french

it’s pricier since i dont have a scholarship

i’ve never even seen snow so i mean i could probably freeze to death

y*rk (the one in toronto) ;  was admitted into film which im v curious abt and always liked even tho never actually took a class abt ir :^)

pros:

again, wanted to move to canada for ages

again, no physics pre-req to change to compsci

again, can work 20hrs/week anywhere

supposedly easier to find a job

i can study just 9 credits/semester

cons:

supposedly the public transportation is not as good as the one around concordia

i heard this uni isn’t as good as the other 2

it’s even pricier than c*ncordia/montreal rip 

again, i’ve never actually visited canada

it’s p damn far from downtown(like 1~1.5hrs via public transportation)

sf* (the one in vancouver) ; again, was admitted into film which im v curious abt and always liked even tho never actually took a class abt ir :^)

pros:

again, wanted to move to canada for ages

again, no physics pre-req to change to compsci

again, can work 20hrs/week anywhere

supposedly easier to find a job

not super cold!!!

cons:

again, supposedly the public transportation is not as good as the one around concordia

renting is pretty damn pricey apparently

rlyyyy far from my family (montreal and toronto can be as lil as 3hr flight whereas vancouver is at least 7hr flight)

again, i’ve never actually visited canada

i don’t know anyone in vancouver (... i think. i dont remember for sure omfg im awful)

[smuttyfairy]

i am so fucking frustrated rn because my dad arrived here from the us with his new wife after seven years. i'm still mad at him for neglecting his responsibilities to us and what he did to my mom but i hate how everyone is so against to us seeing him. i missed him so much. i love my dad a lot. i haven't seen him since i was in elementary and i dont know what to do anymore. im just really really sad about the whole thing bc my mom's ok with meeting him but my dad insists on bringing his new wife+

his new wife is nice and i get why my dad fell in love with her. shes nice and calm and shes takes care of my dad dearly. shes very supportive of him and maybe thats why dad liked her. my mom is nice too but when my dad went overseas to work he cheated on my mom a couple times. i get why my mom hated my dad. i hate him too for it and i will never forgive him for the terrible things he put us through but no matter what happens. hes still my dad. i havent talked to him properly for the past+

6yrs (and maybe a couple months) that he wasnt with us. ive only recently talked to him and i just really wanna see my dad you know. my mom wont let me and i understand where shes coming from. but i hate how controlling she is of everything. she kinda hates me right now for always talking to my dad and getting excited for his arrival here. im just torn between everything. everything makes me wanna runaway or hurt myself because this is all too much for me. even my relatives are not helping my+

mom get over the whole thing. they're provoking her and drilling her head with bad thoughts instead of telling her to let go of thing. i know it's hard and maybe a little insensitive of me to tell my mom to just let it go and be happy and i should never get tired of comforting her but it's so hard for me you know. im only human and im 17 yrs old. ive been dealing with this ever since my early elementary years. im so done and fed up with everything. it's kinda ungrateful of me to say that i hate+

my life because we're pretty well off but yes i do hate my life because i want a whole family. i would sound like a total hypocrite if i say that the material things in life doesnt make me happy. it only gives me temporary joy & what i want is permanent happiness. im sorry if this is too long i just needed to vent out & i didnt want to bug my best friends because their vacation has just started & i want them to not worry about me. thank you & i hope i didnt annoy u guys for this long ass message

Hey love! So sorry for the late reply I really wanted to sit down and reply to this since its a personal problem. I’m so sorry to hear about the relationship you have with your parents and that it must be rough :/ I can understand where your mother is coming from although there is no need for her to be so controlling of your life as you are 17 years old, almost an adult (in the US at least). Your father messed up and ruined his relationship with your mother and family and while he did make a mistake or two, it is true; he is still your father. As a father’s daughter its perfectly fine and natural to feel excited to see your dad even though he has hurt your mother. He is your dad, and you still love him im sure. Forgiveness doesn’t come too easily and perhaps your mother has crossed that just yet so she may still have those spiteful feelings toward him. Maybe that is why she doesn’t want you seeing him too. Though soon enough, when you become a legal adult, your mom will have no so in what you do and what you want to do and who you want to see. Talk it out with your mother and tell her how you feel and just try to have her understand how you see it in your eyes. You love them both, and hopefully equally. If you have done this already, then I’m sorry hun, I’m not sure what else to tell you other than sorry :c No one could possibly be happy when they’re in a situation like this. I hope things will work out for you soon and that you overcome this issue and try to feel better

-Love, 

Admin Sf

[dailywords4dailypeople]

vade mecum

What is important? Like, what would you carry with you at all times? Anywhere you go. You can carry this. My backpack.

I love my backpack. I carry it even when I don’t need it. Making me feel secure, its snug fit warms my back and carries my treasured belongings. My favorite of these would be… food. I love when I stumble upon hidden snacks I had stored away. Once it is discovered, I praise my past self. Thank you, past Conner. You listened, and thought ahead. Go you. You rock. You carry around a rock too. For a while, it was a stone embroiled with “BREATHE” and stored in your front pocket. You would pick it up and rub your thumb back and forth across its surface. The edges would remind you of their message, and you listened through the sense of touch. Does that have a special name? Listening with your hands. Perhaps but I don’t feel like researching at the moment.

Lost my train of thought. Damn distractions. Damn the internet for being a vade mecum. I DON’T NEED YOU. Why do I carry you with me everywhere I go? In my pocket. My right pocket. I turn off your notifications the best I can, but you still call on me. What do I need?

Food.

Water.

Hugs.

Yup, that’s my current list, which sucks because I can’t hug the person I want to hug ugggh. It always changes. What if we had a really shitty hug, well, then I want to hug again so it won’t be shitty anymore. Emotions. What are those? Why do we have them? Why do we have stories? Why are we influenced by one side more than the other? No matter how hard we try…

I do feel like stories can have a narrator. Someone sustained from the fighting. Hor de combat. The power wielded by that one person is truly great because they are the ones who will tell the story. If the story is told with unclouded eyes, then it is seen for what it truly is. No tricks. Can this narrator be found? Can you be this narrator? Do you have the power to sustain yourself from the fighting and remain hor de combat? Can you journey that far? Can you set aside your suffering to see the situation for what it is?

Shit.

I don’t know what you can do. I don’t know what I can do. But, I have been wanting to do a quote section, so I’m going to do that now… just let me pull out my handy-dandy vade mecum:

 //

“You (Joe) should major in words… maybe I should major in words.”—MN

“Be different.”—CM

“26 (age), that’s nothing!”—AH

“I don’t go for the ones I know are going to be sad.”—SF

 //

All the uhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhu….. phone call--9:03pm

Alright, back to this stream of consciousness… zzip zap zop zuup zoup soup chowder cartoons steven adventure ruby and ellie need to go over to erin’s house omg SO much stuff I need to do. Need to have tea with grandma and lunch with Sydney and omggg. I have to prove to them that I love them. I will go the distance to make it happen. MOVING mountains. I’m like Hercules when he has to hold up the sky for a while. I hold up the sky for my loved ones when I come home. I have to prove to them I love them… it really sucks though because the people who love me the most see me the least. My parents. Pure and unconditional love, yet I hardly see them even when I’m home. Why? Well, that’s a question I’ve been struggling with for two years now.

Here’s an attempt of a laconic answer in two minutes.

So my oarenst have done nothing but love me, and they do it relentlessly.. unconditionally. I have so much love swelling up inside me so it’s my duty to spread that love everywhere I go. When I am with them, I receive receive receive.. so I have to leave. Go out into the world. Teach what they taught me. That sucks because I donnt know anything, yet im trying to teach people. Im so dumb and I don’t know anything so how can I teach people how to love? I guess I just need to love them and see what happens/

 Leaving the typos! Remember your typos. Your typos are who you are. Love yourself with all your typos. Oooooorrrrrr. FIX YOUR FUCKING TYPOS. You could be complacent and live with them or you could do shit about your shortcomings. God damn. You think you don’t have an impact? Are you a dumbass? You think your words don’t have an effect on people… really? You actually think you’ve made an impregnable bubble? You sit high and mighty without having an impact on the world. You think like this, yet you’re able to fall asleep at night?

Maybe that’s why I don’t sleep: I care too much.

But that’s my problem. I go to bed and stir back and forth. I close my eyes, but rest does not find me. After one hour, I turn off the podcast. NightVale… It’s always NightVale. After two hours, I seal all source of light in my room. After three hours, I release the tension I had been unknowingly holding in my shoulders. After four hours, I pray. Not to god. Not to anyone really. I repeat the same word over and over and over. “Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep.” I picture what sleep looks like. I do thinking exercises. It all seems futile. Sometimes, it works. But sometimes, my phone buzzes. 7:21AM. I exit my bed with droopy eyes and a tattoo in my heart. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Always in fours. Usually in eights actually. I think in 8s.

I dance in 8s.

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey journal,

i got some things to get off my chest.

ummmm. theres a lot on my mind i guess.

it feels kind of weird having a roommate after not having one for so long but it makes me happy to know someone else is home when i do. it’s easy to talk to her or just choose to go straight to my room after a long day. i am happy to have claire here.

amanda decided to stay in st louis for another week and a part of me is hurt that she didnt think to tell me. ive just been trying to give her space after she didnt respond to me last time. i just assumed she was busy and i really do want her to be able to rest back at home and just be with her family. i think i would want to do the same in california so ive been doing my best to just keep some distance between myself and her. i do miss her though. 

i was really happy i was able to be there for her with the whole ICP thing but when wookie casually mentioned how she went to an ICP event recently for the BTJ tour, i felt a little betrayed. did she lie to me? i thought she hadnt spoken or interacted with any of them in almost a year. why would she keep that from me? 

ive also slowly been slowly getting involved with ICP again just by hanging out with Wookie again on Wednesdays and getting to meet new people. a part of me feels like im betraying Lakeview for doing so but i dont want to let them go. 

ive also been doing my best to keep some distance between myself and johnathan&jason. i think i was too clingy and desperate in the past. tho, surprisingly, johnathan recently reached out to me and asked to go climbing together. i agreed and we’re set to hangout on friday which i am excited about. but we dont usually have much to talk about so....we’ll see how it goes i guess! ive been trying to think of things to ask him bc i noticed that he wont share more information than whats absolutely necessary. maybe i can ask him more about how israel is and maybe challenges that arose? we’ll see!?

i really hope the best for him and amanda. tbh, i think i was both of them at one point in my life. too serious and couldnt take a joke. too insecure and just wanted to please everyone. now im here. depressed and just struggling how to move on from here. 

while talking to elizabeth and skylar recently, i was wondering if maybe the reason it’s so hard for me to talk to people at church is bc the people at school are usually a lot more willing to share than those at church? so it feels like im trying a lot harder to carry the conversation bc people expect to be served when they first come to lakeview. 

BUT, i gotta humble myself! bc i was really no better when i first came. and theres nothing to be gained by being “better” anyway.

i really miss old MAST and the meetings we had. i didnt think i would miss everything and everyone so much. it makes me feel sad how much everything is changing. tho i am slowly starting to learn how to let go. esp since jason, johnathan, and amanda have been gone for a while. and ive been pretty distant with pjosh lately too. i just want to allow him to rest during this summer and have fun and relax. he deserves it after such a stressful year. and i do really want to help and support him and make his job easier as much as i can.

im done receiving. i want to help now.

i am excited to be able to hangout with johnathan one on one for once tho. i wonder why he wanted to hangout. maybe bc he knows his time is limited and wants to spend make the most of his time still in chicago with the people he cares about? who knows.

maybe pjosh tipped him off since i asked to meet up with pjosh this week and he couldnt. i do still definitely want to tell pjosh that im thinking of moving to SF. and the more i research, the more right it feels. it pretty much just feels like im planning for my future at this point. but another part of me really doesnt want to leave chicago. i would probably cry a lot on my last day with everyone here. i dont want to say goodbye. i love so many people here so much. i dont want to leave. and at the end of the day, it is my choice but a part of me feels like i have to let go and move on from this part of my life. as much as it sucks and as much as i dont want to, it feels like something i just need to do. sigh.

maybe i’ll ask johnathan what people in NorCal usually do and try to incorporate that into my SF schedule.

i wonder if he’ll ask if i was upset or avoided him before. bc he was more active in talking with me, idk if he picked up on it. i think im okay with telling him i was just upset with them both not bc of anything they had necessarily done but just bc seeing them two just told me that they were moving on and i felt like i was being left behind. which, i talked it through with amanda and felt exponentially better after our conversation. i didnt realize they had talked about the spaces they had cultivated and wanting to keep it the same even tho they were entering into a relationship together. and i could see that and i do appreciate that. but, a part of me will always kinda feel like a third wheel with them. i know they probably wont be super coupley or lovey dovey around me but i will still very clearly know that theyre in a relationship together. that they’re each other’s go to person now. it isnt me anymore for amanda and i never was that person for johnathan. but things change and i’ll always know we wont ever be that close again or anymore. it kinda hurts but im learning to just accept, let go, and move on.

for a long time, my greatest fear was dealing with the fact that no matter how hard i try or how much work i put in, my best will never be good enough. but, after feeling hopeless over my inability to change the hearts of NU students and giving it to God and just trusting in Him in the process instead, it did give me a pretty great sense of relief.

my coping mechanism is to isolate myself. to take a step back and run away and just try and deal with the problem on my own. the reason i became so clingy and latched onto the seniors this past year was because i was so shocked when they actually responded positively and wanted to help me. i didnt know how to properly react to that because it felt so foreign. and i guess i just became too much. even now, i always think about self harming myself or just not telling people how i feel for long periods of time and them finding out by some accident and me feeling so much shame and crying out, “i am so sorry! you were never supposed to find out! you were never supposed to know about this!” sigh.

i guess i have pretty self destructive behavior, haha.

it’s just easier to deal with by myself w/o the variables of other people. not having to worry if im talking too much or being too selfish or this or that. if im the only one trying to solve it, i only have to worry about myself making out on the other side alive.

maybe thats why i want to kill myself so often haha.

i am really stressed out about this whole andrew and sofia thing and i really dont know what to do. a part of me wants to share the gospel with andrew and hopefully rely on God to help him overcome his addiction but if i myself do not currently have a stable faith, what right do i have to share this with him when i know i’ll be questioned and persecuted for it.

but i really dont know what the right course of action is to take now. i think i would’ve been better equipped to answer in the past but now my life just feels like it’s in disarray and i dont know what to do anymore.

i think leaving chicago for a while will be good for me tho. just being able to get away and relax from everyone. i think it’ll help me get a more clear mind. hopefully. hopefully i wont just be stressed over my grandpa and this whole breakup thing the whole time. ugh. i really dont mean to be selfish but i do wish i could just go home and rest and not have to worry about anything! really! sigh.

but anyway, God, i give this to you. im also really hoping that somehow at sa-rang, i can come back to you and be reminded of you are in my life. i feel like i’ve grown so far away from you and it’s become so much more about living in fear and not sharing too much in fear of scaring people away but craving intimacy. i hope i can find that back home at sa-rang, even with all my fears and insecurities regarding that place. 

thank you.

i feel nervous but im doing my best to just trust in you and through this process.

[ecotone99]

[SF] Day three.

"Static"

Ok...

Who is this even for anymore..... Me?

I mean it would have to be. It's not like I'm writing to anyone else. So who's going to hear it? This is.....

"Static"

Take two.

Ok it's Day three and I'm still here. I'm still alive and I'm not sure why anymore. It's not like I can do anything that can change things. I'll be dead soon to...

There's no one who can help me left. I'm it. It's three days out from losing everyone but here I am still. I'm their last voice.... But i have nothing that could possibly say....

At least when I'm gone no one can be sad I died, if no one else can be sad...

I'm the last person to be sad.

I wonder who the last happy person was? It won't be me because this is day three since I watched as earth shattered and everyone died. As I floated in orbit. All my dreams crushed, everything I knew made useless. All contingencies gone. I am alive yet dead for three days. I can't sleep. I can't think. I eat, although there's little left. Wish that i would have saved the desserts for later, but what's done is done. I maintain my craft, as best i can as hurtle to parts unknown. And i tape these journal entries....

Because that's what you do, I guess.

You do what you did. Because the alternative is stop. And if i stop....

Im never going to be able to get anywhere though. It is not like this space station can fly. Im just bidding time. So if i stop my mission.... I might as well stop doing anything then. So, i keep coming back to these stupid self-indulgent logs. This can only be for me now. But what else would i do?

Or at least what I'm doing because there's nothing left to.......

"Static"

No songs, no words, only me wishing i at least could say goodbye to someone. Anyone honestly. That's all that's left. Im caught unable to really fathom it. What's on my mind, is what's on the mind of the entire of humanity. Huh, who would have thought i would be so monumentally lucky and equal damnded. I lived longer than anyone else, which just means i get to think about how they're all dead and i will be too. Look at me the last person. I mean I always knew i was going to be somebody. But the last human alive? i mean that's big, and yet it means so little.

I can't even tell anyone.

There's no one to make anything worthwhile...

I...... I feel like have to do something. Tell someone. Morn them somehow. But there no one to tell. There's no one but me to mourn them. How does one person morn humanity? Who cares? Do i? I know i should. i feel i do. But although i do feel there loss, its hallow. They're gone and I'm torn apart about it but it doesn't matter. Even my sadness is lost.

It and everything i am is tied to the rest of them. Already dead. As if tied down into the void of space by an anchor made of everything they were. Pulling everything that matters away. And now nothing does... Not even this...

"Static"

At least no one will hear this.

"Static"

Goodbye to me... Goodbye.

"Static"

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