#im rewatching got and im fucking laughing at myself im ridiculous

[so-very-small]

*sees a fictional old man* hhey so i need to. be tiny in ur hand right this second sir. respectfully.

[janedoe-ing]

rating all the tv shows that ive watched so far (that i could remember):

• the good doctor - medical drama - 8/10

omg idk why people hate this show sm but the hate is so forced like ??? freddy is such an amazing actor and all the other characters in this show makes sense and complete each other i swear to god. one of the best medical dramas i've watched personally. the plot flows well imo but the last season was dragging a bit for me when the writers started to make shawn and glassman arguing for SO LONG but honestly i get it too because both of their traumas and pain are SUPER VALID and that's the thing with this show because everything JUST MAKES SENSE so you barely have situations to pick sides.

• the walking dead - zombies - 5/10

boring personally to me maybe i just lost the energy to continue it... i stopped at s3 and have A LOT MORE TO LEFT... but ive saw some spoilers from tiktok and stuff which idm honestly bcs i love spoilers.. anyways the first two seasons rocks but in s3 it kinda gets a bit... boring? idk but yeah.. maybe i would change my mind after watching it till the end but idk

• modern family - sitcom - 10/10

one of my comfort shows. not the type of person who rewatches back movies or shows but if its mofy maybe i could consider it. and if i started rewatching it maybe because i was bored and i forgot the plot and scenes in it. but yeah their chemistry with the whole cast was just amazing, the jokes are on point, no annoying laugh tracks, and it's relatable as fuck. also lemme say this: IM SO FUCKING ANNOYED WITH TIKTOK EDITORS WHO IS NEW TO MOFY BECAUSE THEY MAKE THE EDITS SO SAD AND SERIOUS WHEN ITS ACTUALLY A HAPPY SHOW. i mean obviously it has some scenes but i just want to have a show where i don't need to overthink and overanalyse so much and just enjoy it while im watching it and mofy is THAT person. but these mfs is ruining it although the edits ate. idc.

• brooklyn nine nine - sitcom - 10/10

also same reason with above, and andy samberg is so hot and my type. also the relationships in this show is so cute it makes me wanna kill myself in a good way. oh and no annoying laugh tracks???? YOURE IN. OH AND GINA LINETTI???????????? thats all i can say. i rest my case.

• never have i ever - coming of age show?¿ - 7/10

the plot is so ridiculous tbh but the show gets better every season and i like how they did a lot improvement in devi's attitude and plot and not just bcs she wants to lose her virginity to the hot boy in school. and the fact that in every season the writers managed to make me changed sides every season is insane. also the writers is so cruel for treating paxton so badly istg imo but im happy he got another girl instead of devi because he deserves WAYYYYYYYYY BETTER than her. i meant it from the bottom of my heart. despite the shitty and cringey season 1, the season above that is okay ig.

• one of us is lying - crime - 8/10

i watched the show before the book and omg???? the plot twists are TWISTINGGGG, plot wise is AMAZING like as somebody who is a plot twist enthusiast i totally ate up this show... the casts were so amazing too ????? not to mention the cinematography is so good imo and the only comment i have is that they don't show some of the parts of the story in the show like how it is/changed it abit... i mean its normal to do that but i personally don't like when they went a bit astray from the book... idk but STILL one of the best shows for crime ive ever watched

• ru pauls drag race - drag queen tv show competition - 8/10

never thought i would be hooked to a drag queen competition show but omg the show is so good...????? and not to mention the lingo and amount of cultural pop history that changed the world mentioned and used in this show????? the face???? THE BODY TEA???? THE BEEF????? oh my god that is literally EVERYTHING!!!! and the best thing is every season you would always be surprised with each of the contestants like ????? omg i love it

• house MD - medical drama - 6/10

honestly a meh for me but im still in season one so i might change my mind after this but so far... boring... i mean its basically the same like other medical dramas: you have this weird case to solve, you start throwing out these theories and words and diagnosis of the patient, it turns into something else bla bla bla but idk there's just something lacking here but idk what it is...... will update this list when i saw the other seasons till the end

tbc

• new amsterdam

• chicago med

• iron chef

• cake boss

• tanked!

• sex education

• bridgerton

• the good place

[lover-of-trash-and-people]

shadow and bone rewatch s1e6 while drinking mid-range scotch

I wish I have a face that is as unlined and pretty as Ben Barnes' when I'm 39

Arken you dirty dirty liar

the face Alek is making at his lies that he knows are lies firstly because he knows the art of lying so well and also because he can read people very well

okay Ivan is kind of a bad bitch with his smirk at Arken's lies

alek's eyes narrowing and his little smile when Arken says 'im an entertainer' bitch I love this show

*grabs hand, pulls up sleeve, and discovers Arken's hand is full of marks indicating successful passages through the fold* 'well, that is certainly entertaining' I love this man with all my heart

him screaming is so fucking hot, is that weird for me to say

Nina being the Darkling's spy is quite interesting

Ben giving the Darkling crazy eyes when Arken owns up to his guilt is so cool

also wtf is Arken a fool trying to negotiate with possibly the strongest man in the world

kind of loved the darkness literally eating him

also love Alina learning to use her powers better when she is alone than when she is with anyone else, wish we got to see the cut in this season as per the books, ah can't have everything I guess

the camera pan to Jesper's gun at his side, amazing

god Jessie is literally so beautiful I need to see her bring Alina to the peak of her power so bad

netflix you better renew this series to let the plot run to its completion

HOW THE FUCK DID THEY CAST THE CROWS SO PERFECTLY

INEJ FUCKING TREMBLING JUST THE TINIEST BIT AS SHE BOWS SLIGHTLY TO ALINA SGSHSBSJJSJSSJ MY TWO QUEENS

'And where is my Summoner?' my little Darklina heart ouchie I really wish you hadn't used and manipulated her like this Alek it was incredibly fucked up especially considering you actually caught feelings

'Ivan and I won't fail you' oh Fedyor my baby, my angel, you don't deserve what is coming

Helnik literally recreating Titanic lmao stop this is a joke

I too would jump off the raft if I came to consciousness to see a gorgeous woman with magical powers with her hand on my back

omg but why is ryevost so pretty though

'I know exactly how she felt. The King's soldiers treated me the same way... I'm not myself today.' why must you do this to me, why must you fuel my darklina soulmates agenda idiocy

I don't quite think I have a problem with the Zoya Darkling relationship as much as I have a problem with the line they chose to reveal it to use with.

my drink's over and I don't know if I should have another, considering that it's 7 am

the tenderness with which he looks at Zoya and takes her hand and then when he says 'I shall relax when I have Alina' makes me believe more that the man that is reduced to tears time and again in front of Alina could in fact be the master manipulator I know him to be

god I can't wait for Zoya's character arc

'I speak six languages, it's part of my job' why is Nina literally the fucking coolest

Alina blinding the oprichniki was so hot, I can't wait to see more of her power and her ruthlessness

I know I've said it before but good god is Jessie Mei Li gorgeous

HER LITTLE SMILE AMONGST ALL THE PANIC AS SOON AS SHE SEES MAL, THE AUDACITY OF THIS SHOW TO MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY

THE SCORE COMING IN AT THE RIGHT MOMENT, THEIR HANDS MEETING, HER SMILE AGAIN DHDHSBSNSNSNSNAN IM IN PAIN

REALLY?! YOU'RE GONNA GO DIRECTLY FROM MALINA TO HELNIK WITH NO CONCERN FOR MY HEART?

I simply cannot get over Calahan's accent lmao it's really funny

'im not afraid of you' he says to the insanely gorgeous girl with magic

HIM HANGING HIS HEAD IN DEFEAT TO INDICATE NINA HAS MADE VALID POINTS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND I CAN'T BREATHE

'You're just a man. Like all the others.' she says and then forgets her train of thought looking at him as he strips. god I love this

not sleeping all night and then scotch is not a good idea, I think

'I promise not to ravish you' 'I hate the way you talk' her hand on his chest, his hand gripping hers, my fucking heart feels like it's about to explode

good god these shooting locations and sets are so beautiful

Alina throwing the flask at Mal and Mal going 'OI!' I fucking can't, I guess I am a

simp for childhood friends to lovers, give me more of that banter and childhood friend energy, I am thriving

wow it literally seems like they took book! Mal sl*tshaming book! Alina and made show! Alina sl*tshame show! Mal, hmm, interesting

'They would have split us up!' MAL'S LITTLE SMILE AT THIS, and the 'You wrote me letters?' Mal's nod, the Malina yearning stare, the Malina hug, 'thank you for finding me' 'always. I'll always find you.' NO MALINA YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE MADE ME ABSOLUTELY FUCKING FERAL

I understand they had to split time between my ravkan babies and the crows and that is why there were several aspects that were sort of not reflected on enough but Alina's training at the Little Palace, Alina's cut, Mal's personality, a teensy bit of backstory for the crows, maybe one lockpicking scene from my boy Kaz

random note: we have far too many idols and paintings and pictures and whatnot of Hindu deities in our house apart from the specially designed temple (we are Hindus, so maybe it's not that weird but it's a little weird)

Kaz's cane is a literal star, it's so beautiful my heart wants to explode

'Why would Heleen get the Crow Club?' *literally fucking gets up and walks aways instead of answering the fucking question* I LITERALLY CAN'T BREATHE I'M LOSING MY MIND

'I know that voice' WHO GAVE YOU THE RIGHT TO MAKE ME FIGHT FOR PLATONIC SHIPS IN FANDOMS

'We won't starve' omg get you someone who packs food for you when you go on the run together hiding from your ex who wants to capture you and use your powers as a weapon against your consent

Mal looking surprised at her summoning sunlight, Alina looking cautiously at him waiting for him to disapprove or run for the hills in fear or smth like that, 'I'm sorry it took me this long to see you... But I see you now' my dumb little shipper trash heart ouch

they really said we're gonna feed you this part asian couple as the protagonists in this show in 2021 and guess what I'm eating it's really tasty I'm very satisfied as a south asian

NINA'S LITTLE SMILE WHEN MATTHIAS WAKES UP WITH HIS ARM AROUND HER

'I can feel how much you hate sleeping next to me' 👀👀👀 BITCH SAID IMMA SPILL THE TEA AND THEN SHE DID

it's 8 am and guess what I'm getting another drink my parents have c*vid and are in govt qu*r*ntine centres there is nobody to supervise or stop me

I too say 'Why do you have to say things like that?' to my pretty crush when she flirts with me

Nina smiling at Matthias bragging about his conservative ways is my aesthetic

'No, it's not natural for someone to be as stupid as he is tall and yet, oh, there you stand.' MY FUCKING QUEEN

Matthias laughing uncontrollably at Nina saying something which isn't even that funny is a whole ass vibe

Kaz Brekker saying 'The Black General' ooh fuck yeah

YESSSS STEP OUT OF THAT CARRIAGE ALL SEXY BLACK GENERAL

isn't alcohol supposed to like kill germs? well, the amount in my system definitely will

I love my crows so much (always but this time particularly for setting that alarm in the stolen carriage)

ooh Polina recognising Inej by the knife yesss let's go writers

this Ivan Jesper showdown is all I needed from life and yet did not know about

Ivan taking off his cloak was, um, sexier than I wanted it to be

I just realised how thirsty I am going to sound in this post

'Has no one told you that keftas are Fabrikator-made and resistant to bullets, hmm?' 'Oh, I do love a challenge' LITERALLY EVERYTHING

im sorry to be pointing out flaws in a perfect show and adaptation but the line delivery on 'You robbed me of my brother, now I'll rob you of your life' from Polina was kind of weak

'You're a-' *gets knocked out with the back of a gun* LMAO we love the hints

got excited at the prospect of kaz v. zoya until I realised they will not be letting the opportunity of kaz v. darkling pass up

my goodness is Amita Suman a splendid actress

I AM NOT KIDDING WHEN I TELL YOU I SQUEALED WHEN I SAW DARKLES EMERGE OUT OF THE SHADOWS IN FRONT OF MY BABY BOY KAZ

THERE BEING ACTUAL FEAR OR ATLEAST DOUBT ON KAZ'S FACE, THE LITTLE BACK STEPS AS

THE DARKLING WALKS TOWARDS HIM, AAAAH I CAN'T

THE DARKLING STOPPING AT KAZ SAYING 'SHE FLED ON HER OWN' AND THE HINT OF TEARS THAT WE SEE IN HIS EYES

'IT WAS PRETTY CLEAR SHE WASN'T INTERESTED IN BEING A CAPTIVE ANYMORE' YOU TELL HIM, KING

*ACTUAL FUCKING TEARS IN THE DARKLING'S EYES AS THE SHADOWS APPROACH*

NOT ME YOWLING LIKE A HYENA THAT THIS CHILD OUTSMARTED THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN EXISTENCE WITH A FAKE MAGIC TRICK

'Are you sure you added enough cloves?' literally warranting a wide ass smile from my queen Alina making my entire fucking day

for some reason, no matter how much I push it from my mind, Ben Barnes dressed up as the Darkling, dancing to 'push it' keeps coming to mind, it's absolutely ridiculous

I got somehow distracted with interviews but good things came out of that as it gave my body the time for the booze to kick in

and I would just like to say that I love Leigh for all she has given me

Alina is so fucking compassionate, I have no much love for her. I can feel her guilt and her sorrow as Mal talks of Mikhail and Dubrov

don't particularly like how the stag plotline is woven in, could have been executed better

'You're afraid you might start to like me?' *flaps furs like a bird's wings in frustration*

'I DO like you' my fucking heart you idiots

the sexual tension is so palpable and the moment is so intimate I simply cannot

OMG SHE FUCKING FELL

that moment where you think he might let her fall despite having read the books and he doesn't and he tells her his name I- <3

YOU DARE TRANSITION FROM A HELNIK SCENE TO A KANEJ SCENE YOU REALLY HAVE NO MERCY FOR MY HEART HUH

people have talked about this endlessly but Freddie's little jaw tic after he says Inej because Inej is wounded and he can't physically bring himself to help her I fucking cannot

THE MUSIC PICKING UP AS KAZ LOOKS TO THE DARKLING'S CARRIAGE I CAN'T WITH THIS SHOW ANYMORE

and now for one of my favorite scenes in television and cinematic history, David Kostyk throwing a book at Jesper Fahey without even knowing who he is merely because he opens the door of his carriage and says hello to him before getting knocked out by Kaz Brekker while trying to run away

Immediately followed by another, the scene with David Kostyk raising his finger to put forward his point in front of the Darkling and the Darkling trying to let him know he doesn't have to before obliging is one of my favourite scenes in the world

also sir please stop being devastatingly attractive in your glorious appearance with your face and your black kefta and cloak because all that comes to mind is Ayesha Erotica's Emo Boy and I'm afraid that is terribly inappropriate.

'No, you look great.' *literally looks down from embarrassment or blushing* MALINA RIGHTS?

THE LOOK ON THE DARKLING'S FACE BEFORE HE SAYS 'NO ORDINARY TRACKER, NO ORDINARY GIRL' BITCH IM OUT OF BREATH

'ORPHANS OF KERAMZIN, REUNITED.' 'ADORABLE.' HE FUCKING SNEERED IRL I FUCKING CANNOT

GOD IT'S SO GOOD

[epiphanyksj]

TELL ME ABT JK DURING UR CONCERT IN LA !!!!!! HE LOVES LA N U DIDNT TELL ME ABT IT IN DETAIL !!!!!!💞💕💖💓

oh god :(((( HHH!!!!!! ok im literally gonna go through this event by event. so I WALKED INTO THE ARENA with my friend to go find my seat and there’s a moment of silence before the beginning of danger’s mv begins playing. and up on the screen is jungkook playing outro: propose, that really pretty dramatic piano part. and let me tell you i literally burst into tears AT THAT MOMENT because it was just so overwhelming to realize that i was actually there and going to see them. and then there was the vcr and they all looked. So Good! i literally said “oh my god” so many times during the concert it was unreal i mean ive told you about this but yeah on to actual performances (read more)

so all this fire starts torching into the air and the stage lights are flashing everywhere with this dramatic music with heavy drums (think mama 2016 fire-esque). ok so im rewatching the vid i took as i write this and im laughing because everyone else is like “TRAADE OFF” and from me you just hear this hysterical “CHOO CHOO” OK thats not the point. i could barely focus in the first performance because i could not believe they were real but like he’s GORGEOUS they were all so gorgeous n i wanna gush about the others too but this is a jk ask. he is So Stable and powerful i dont know how he even does it. so after they finish performing they begin their ments…. when it goes to jk he kinda looks up like “:o its my turn” but then he goes “WASSUP” and he’s so sos ofuckginfg pretty he glows and his eyes and just his face at that point i screamed “I LOVE YOU… (weakly) jungoo….” and then he also said LONG TIME NO SEE he has the cutest voice :(.

when he starts singing in save me… his voice is so beautiful. and i already said it but his dancing is so powerful. n the way he looks at the camera… you feel it in your soul. and his voice is so good in im fine!!!!!! i was not, in fact, fine. the part where he falls to the floor then suddenly looks up is so intense.

but incredibly he looks absolutely ethereal when he stands and sings. this might sound weird but like…. the way his eyes are half closed is so pretty and he looks at peace. even more so when he closes his eyes all the way. ive said it so many times but his eyes literally are so captivating. all of bts look unbelievably good in person. also there’s supposed to be a fanchant In Magic Shop During The Instrumental Break But Nobody Did It but i faithfully went through all the way anyway.

n then. THE GOLDEN DUO VCR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! theyre so cuuuteekjsdhdskjfh :((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( like it was just such a happy pure colorful lighthearted vcr!!!!!

ok not to be cheesy but i literally got goosebumps and started tearing up when i heard his voice say “euphoria” in the silence. the pretty guitars start coming in and he’s revealed on the stage. he looks so at home when he sings it and there’s golden light all around him and he’s smiling. but when it’s not the chorus the lights are a blue color and it reminds me of the ocean in the music video. he really puts so much into his singing and just his overall performance. and when he does the high note in euphoria and the golden confetti explodes into the air and shimmers in the lights.

he puts his hand to chest often when he sings like he’s feeling it in his soul. but he also jams out really cutely! he jumped around during run a lot (and yet is ridiculously stable still) and his hair is bouncy! he headbanged a little too :( at the end of run during hoseok’s part he took out his earpiece to listen to us. his part in dna with tae is so iconic!!! rapper jk!!!!!!!!! literally even just the way he sings “DNA”!!!!

he asked us if we were having fun!!!! babie :( (side note tae is SOO cute when he talks in english). also the army bomb ocean was so pretty it was a range of colors from yellow green to purple and it was this amazing gradient.

then. Then. 21st century girls. Came On. but i need to save this gushing about the song itself for the next ask. all of them gather together to jam out in the center of the stage! afterwards jk wanders around! YOU SAY YES OR NO YES OR NO WOOAAAHOHHH

this goes for everyone else too but when he sings in gogo its like the words are just rolling out of his mouth if that makes sense.

but the transition to bst. unreal but im also saving that for the next ask. god and i keep talking about jk’s dancing but seriously him and the entirety of dance line are a serious force to be reckoned with. his voice when he sings his parts is so light and fluttery.

you shouldve heard me during his rap part of boy in luv. i was like “APPAAAAAAA” “EOMMAAAAAA” “PYEONJIIII” “MWONJIII” like i think those technically aren’t his lines but that whole section. and they cut straight to the bridge instead of doing the second verse and jk’s voice there especially combined with jimin and jin. and he holds the high note!!!!!!!

but his rap part in danger. hard fucking core. he’s so talented it’s unbelievable. this man does not hesitate when it comes to bangers or when it comes to headbanging.

airplane pt2. he saunters onto the stage like nobody’s business and sits and kicks back on that damn chair with his sultry ass voice. his falsetto is gorgeous when they do that part before hoseok’s airplane rap and at the end of the song. and i know it’s only part of the studio recording but when he does the “ah ah” part i lose my mind. the way he sits with the other members surrounding him just emanates this air of power and regality but almost in a casual way like “yeah we’re royalty, what about it?”

his outfit during fake love is perfect. all of the outfits are so good i could gush about them all day but alas this is a jk ask. his sleeves are see-through and he has shiny chains going across his chest harness and i’m sure you could find pictures of it but i hadn’t looked at concert pics beforehand so i was in shock at how good the outfits were. it’s like some performing beast is unleashed from jungkook during fake love. he’s absolutely in the zone and i couldn’t take my eyes off him because his presence is so strong especially when he’s in the center. it’s like he moves his body and projects his voice perfectly to the flow and energy of the song. fake love as a whole is so captivatingly intense it’s like you’re under a spell when you watch them perform it.

ok im burning out i can only write so much DSKJHSDF but the truth untold. it’s like he transforms into full angel form at this point. his voice is incredible and his harmonies and pitch and the emotion he puts into it. also everybody say thank you stylists!

he also has such an aura during mic drop. everybody does but it seriously is honestly such a great track live because the energy is dominating and in that moment you really know that they absolutely do own the whole arena and set the stage on fire. ugh! and the strength that he has during the dance break at the end of mic drop!! unreal!

also i can’t imagine genuinely truly hating so what. like i see so many people saying they hate it but you know that when you hear it irl that shit makes you JUMP and they have so much fun on stage especially jk! we like to make fun of him for his shoot dance but seeing him go across the stage enjoying himself so much makes you feel just as much joy as him :( at this point would it really be a performance of so what if he didn’t do it?

at this point i knew that so what was one of the final performances n i was like. What. because it really passed by like a blur it didn’t feel nearly as long as it supposedly took and before i knew it they were performing anpanman so i HAD to cheer up because that song is so cute. and jk is all smiley when they perform it! nose scrunches and all! he actually gets up in a normal way during namjoon’s part. his eyes are all big and sparkly and playful and it feels very boyish!!!

N THEN DURING THE ENDING MENT JOON CALLED JUNGKOOK “MISTER COOL GUY JK” AND JK WAS LIKE “cool guy!” n then like “make some nooooiiiise!!!” n he was smiling doing his cute scrunch and rewatching this like. ive said it 50 times already but he’s seriously so pretty. his eyes are lit up and his expression is bright and there’s a blue light shining on him but his EYESSSSS :((((( he has a slight accent which is rly cute but his pronunciation is also really good and it feels like you just want to hug him really tight even though he’s sweaty but like Would I Complain.

his voice in answer: love myself is so smooth it’s like sitting in a warm patch of sun with a cool breeze looking up at the sky. ok i know i said i was burning out but am i really. rewatching the videos makes me so happy. and his harmonies were so nice. and he was moving side to side really cutely! like one of those figurines you put on the dashboard of your car and they dance side to side! n he’s so full of love. they were all moving their arms side to side and the army bombs were moving along with them i want to cry watching it again it’s so weird thinking that i was actually there it felt like everyone in the audience became one with all the members on stage jk was acting cute and he and all the members were waving to everyone in the audience in the pit and the further away and upper levels of the arena.

for a really long time i’ve never been able to pinpoint the happiest moment or memory of my life everytime ive been asked about it. for lack of a better answer i always left it vague but ever since the concert i can easily say it was the happiest i’d been in a long time and possibly ever and i wouldn’t trade that feeling for anything else in the world

[relationshipcrimes]

when i finish this current wip............. im going to reward myself by rewatching all of code geass and then finishing utena................ im just going to sit my ass down and bingewatch all that shit

im tired

i was looking thru code geass season 2 for the scene where suzaku straight up admits to being lelouch’s kismesis and tells CC to step up her moirail game and in the process i wound up watching a bunch of other scenes where schneizel is talking about how he let lelouch literally massacre half the world because he wanted public support to launch his own project, damocles, an orbital satellite that could remotely nuke anyone who opposed schneizel, and the entire finale is just two visionaries with their views of how the world should be playing on the biggest scale

i forgot how HARD this anime went and also how stupid it can be and i forgot how much of myself is wrapped up in this anime

the relentless sense of humor of this show both taking their characters seriously and also making relentless fun of them at other times, being unafraid to be absolutely campy and stupid at the most ridiculous times. like there’s a fucking ninja maid and also orenji-kun exists and look, man, when ur going thru hard shit, you need characters who can make you laugh, but i in particular needed and still do need characters that actually have substance, that actually suffer, because what’s the fucking point of the comedy if they can’t relate to you on the shitty levels either

relationships that were complicated powerplays and messy affairs and were weirdly really empowering because i got to see love stories that were genuinely equal in terms of power and cohesive despite anger and negative emotions. i’m talking about suzaku and lelouch

themes and abstract ideas that were put into really obvious, beat-you-over-the-head metaphors but i NEEDED that developmentally, i needed shit to be put into literal obvious terms like lelouch dressing up like a fucking chess piece, and i had a BLAST with taking all these concrete realizations of abstract themes and really letting all those concrete metaphors serve as a gateway to the abstract ideas. it literally served as the bridge from me being a concrete thinker to an abstract thinker

whole BUNCH of gender issues of being nonbinary and always feeling weird about being “cis” and really enjoying all the different ways that every character played their gender role but ultimately IDing with the most androgynous characters always always always. the longer lelouch’s/suzaku’s hair got and the more feminine their wardrobes became, the happier i was

i absolutely had a baby lesbian crush on cornelia and i did not realize. now i have an adult lesbian crush on cornelia

i am certain this show did not impact my body image well and it continues to be a terrible influence to this day and that’s that on that

i have all the art books because my ex bought them all on trips to japan, literally like 500+ dollars worth of merchandise of this fucking show because she kept trying to buy my attention to make up for her failing mental health and it was uncomfortable for everyone but what was i going to do ????? i was like 15, 16 when that started happening??? what did i know about how a depressed bisexual throws half a thousand dollars at you to buy your attention????? it makes me uncomfortable to this day, looking at those books full of all the characters and plotlines i used to figure out my own relationships and queer feelings and terrible tendencies as a person and as a relationship partner, and knowing that my fucking EX had given those things to me

the sheer unrepentant amorality of the show; the show is absolutely obsessed with the idea of good and evil and yet never manages to ever hit one or the other cleanly; everyone winds up some mixture of the two by the end and in high pressure performance schools and athletics??? where your entire worth is dependent on “did you do good or bad”--that grey space is everything, bitch; the grey space was the only breath of free air i had for years; the grey space defined my young teen thoughts on morality and opened me up to the complexities and nuances of adult life in a way that i could understand

how the characters in code geass are both great and terrible simultaneously and these things can co-exist!!!! how lelouch is a destructive person who eventually came to lean into his tendencies, to embrace them and bend them in a way that could be used for good, that the point isn’t to become some else entirely but to become someone who is even more distinctly you, a stronger flavor of you, a you that’s worth being instead of trying to be someone else entirely

more than any other fandom, code geass was a lawless place that gave no shits about any sort of purity culture because, weirdly enough, most fandom interactions for code geass happened on the kink meme, if any of yall still remember that--the livejournal comment forums where people anonymously prompted kinky ideas and writers anonymously filled the prompts and usually wound up telling absolutely insanely detailed AUs and genuinely good character divergence fics or even canon compliant fics and let me tell you a lot of those prompts were absolutely trigger warning MAYHEM from the get go and a lot of the fills made them even darker--or crackier, depending--and that was essentially the fandom culture where i was raised, yall lied about your age and yall lied about your identity and yall never brought that shit out into the daylight and oh also that was where all the terrible awful worst whump was, the whump that hurts real good

i learned how good fanfiction could be in the code geass fandom because the bones of code geass are good but so much of the execution is a fucking trashfire, and fanfiction authors picked what was good and made something better, newer, even something that made the show itself better and newer, things that connected thematically in ways that blew my 10th grade brain, and i still have fanfiction saved from the ff.n account mikomi’s pen because i had an actual religious experience reading the fool ascendant, watching the way that the author took the structural elements of code geass and made high fucking art out of it

even back in the day when people hated suzaku because “he’s wrong obviously!!!!!! he should have joined the revolution, he needs to shut up and stop being stupid” he meant a lot to me because, like, i was 14 or 15 and not in a great way and here was this guy on-screen who actively wanted to die and was going about it in the most roundabout way, and the whole show is full of characters who want to die but physically can’t, characters who want to die but are ashamed to admit it, characters who want to die but can’t let themselves; here’s this guy who was absolutely certain to his very core that there was something deeply wrong with him and the only way to eradicate it was to repent through a meaningful death--and then you contrast suzaku with someone like LELOUCH who has the FUCKING BALLS, THE ABSOLUTE NERVE to just start an entire revolution because he just DOESN’T LIKE THE WAY SHIT’S HAPPENING, he literally has no stake in japan tbh he’s a white guy with money HE’S JUST SO FUCKING ARROGANT THAT HIS TERRIBLE ASS DECIDED HE WAS GOING TO REDESIGN THE WHOLE WORLD LIKE IT’S HGTV, LIKE HE OWNS THE WORLD TO DO IT. THE CONFIDENCE. THE SWAGGER. THE ABSOLUTE CHARISMA. SEVENTEEN YEARS OLD AND LELOUCH WALKED INTO ANY ROOM LIKE HE OWNED THE PLACE AND HE DID BECAUSE HE SAID SO and his insane sheer amount of energy, motivation, his convictions, how much this guy wanted to be alive because he had shit to do, the confidence that blew straight past arrogance into megalomania, the way he handles power like he’s entitled to it--and having them come to understand each other and work together--look, man, the series literally ends with lelouch giving suzaku a reason to live and i think, personally, that’s what all of us were doing when we saw lelouch on screen, that was the essence of the charisma that lelouch had; you felt like you could soak up his vision and drive and furious energy and sheer will to live just by being around him, and, like, i needed to see that, i personally needed to soak up that will to live and lelouch’s confidence and absolute asshole disregard for what he might be “worthy” of or “deserving” of in the way that suzaku and CC did. i needed to see that connection between those two people, the person who wanted to die and the person who couldn’t live enough, and obviously i didn’t consciously know that it was possible for a single person to go from being one to being the other but that’s what code geass showed me and that’s what code geass made real because even if lelouch is not real, that vitality that you feel from watching his absolutely bonkers plans on screen is 100% real

this anime and the fandom around were the handholds i needed to drag myself through the process of becoming a person when so much of my life and my brain was on absolute fire, and i dont think i really hit a brainspace that i could consider good until about maybe 8 months ago but by god, i really dont know what i would have done with myself if i hadnt had code geass during the time of my life when i did. those characters were the tools and playsets i used to make myself. those characters kept me alive.