#im really worried. everything is bad right now
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Thinking about married poolverine at the x mansion for the Christmas parties.
I like to think that even after he's quit drinking and is older, Wade lets him sit around the mansion and drink a shit ton of egg nog and just.. chill. Wade won't let anyone ask him to do anything except.. what he didn't know.. is that he signed logan up to be santa for the younger kids, and he's definitely dressed as Mrs. Clause, a wig, heels, red and white fluffy skirt, everything.
"You want me to wear what??"
"Oh, come on its for the kids peanut! Besides... ill repay you later~"
"Wade, these kids are like 12 theyre not gonna-....fine"
By the adult party runs around and the kids under 21 are forced off into their rooms, morph kurt and logan are lounging on the couch trying to sing a german carol after busting out the GOOD Alchool but Kurt forgets half of it so its just the three of them mummbling nonsense and wade thinks its the cutest most humble thing he's ever seen Logan do. Just.. a guy being a guy with his friends. And he's so happy. Soooo happy to finally have them back. Even if these aren't HIS x men, he's missed this so bad. Later he will cry because he misses HIS x men but for now? Let him be not sober and forget about that.
"Alright santa. I think its time for bed." Wade says, still in his Mrs. Clause outfit, trying to tug Logans arm up.
"Aye! Get offa me! My husband will kill you!" He throws a fit and backs away, into kurt who's tail flickers and gives her a dirty look. Who does this woman think she is?? Trying to make his friend commit adultery???
Wade pauses, then giggles, realizing just how much makeup he had on right now. He's utterly estatic that Logan won't come with him. It's only really morph whos confused because that's obviously Wade. You would think the guy could smell his own husband right?? Yeahhh... not like this.
"Teehee and that right there is why it's bedtime, peanut." He says, hoping itll spark a few plugs but logan only does the Loading cat face, tilting his head. His face is red from the alchool and the santa make up.
"Don't call me that!" He whines.
Wade rolls his eyes, smiling. "Baby, come on. You're tired." He says in that special voice. The one that leads Logan down to earth when his anger is the only thing he can see when he forgets who he is, when he's having his PTSD attacks.
"... I am?"
"Yes. Now come on. Time for bed."
Kurt whispers not to be tempted by her in his ear, and it's back to square one. It takes Remy interfereing by telling Kurt that this "devil woman" IS Logan's husband and that it's okay.
The whole thing is a mess, and it has Rouge giggling her ass off, hugging her brother as his tail flickers still.
"Ooh!! You big buzz ball! Always lookin afta folks aint ya?" She tells him, squeezing him enough to make him wheeze. "Careful cher, Gambit thinks he wants his ribs attached."
"Nonsense! A lil roughhousin nevah killed nobody!!"
You just see him trying to take Wade to their room and Logan does the little slap at his arms and is like "I can walk by myself lady! Jeez!! ..... wheres my husband? Im gonna tell on you!!"
"I AM your husband." Wade says, finally taking off the wig and caressing his chop the way he usually does. Logan's eyes squint, his eyebrows burrowing together before dilating, and Wade can swear he heard his heart beat quicken.
Laura gags.
"....'sup" he says, pulling him closer with a big idiotic grin.
Wade squeals, now trying to push him away. "Eww!! Never say that again!" He giggles. "You big lud! Bedtime!"
It's the absolute sweetest thing anyone ever witnessed, and it makes Jean happy too to know someone did infact take the big bad putty tat home. Finally-
This is how I want every teacher au Christmas fic to go you understand me? No sentinal drama. No worries. Maayyybbee Magneto if he behaves.
Just let this man be HAPPY for once.
#teacher au#finding home au#deadpool and wolverine#poolverine#logan howlett#wade wilson#deadpool#wolverine#deadpool 3#deadclaws#christmas fic#merry christmas#early christmas#laura kinney#rouge#gambit#morph#kurt wagner#jean gray
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THE ENHYPEN HOST || 22
|| Reverse harem || ft. TXT, Mingyu (Seventeen) & BTS
WARNINGS: foul language, explicit content, group sex, humiliation, sex in public, threesome, foursoome, rough sex, red flags, immoral acts, unprotected sex, morbid jealousy, comedy, parody, possessiveness, violent quarrels, arguments, betrayals, lies, femdom sometimes.
GENRE: +18, reverse harem, comedy, enemy to lovers, friends to lovers
INDEX (Chapters order)
It must be strange for her, given the new terms of her contract, but I am surprised to see her in the kitchen at all.
I heard from our manager that Amanda had an appointment with a Hybe doctor today, that there was no need to accompany her as he would take care of it. I think even he would eventually fall in love with her and, realising how impossible it is not to, he would make our host change.
That would sort of fix everything, but what would happen to Amanda?
I sigh and turn off the last burner. I don't look at her directly, I feel uncomfortable. I said some crazy things the last time we were alone, I don't want to deny it but there's a part of me that still believes them.
"How are you?" She sits up and stares at me blankly. "Fine." "You don't look like you got much sleep." I say, getting the dishes ready for the boys, because if I don't think about it, they'll end up eating junk, or worse, not eating at all. "We just slept." She says, but sounds lifeless. "You don't have to explain, I don't care."
I say as I walk over to the table with her plate and place it in front of her, but she keeps looking at me. Why is she staring at me? Why do I feel uncomfortable?
"You know about the video, right?" She asks.
I swallow in annoyance, put down the plate and go back behind the cooker to tidy up. "You have your first appointment today, with the gynaecologist, I think. - I abruptly change the subject. - Would you like to go with Ester?" "C-can I do that?" She asks, as if she had forgotten her first question, so enthusiastic is about the proposal.
I swallow and lower my eyes. Damn, she's so cute when she makes expressions like that…
"I think you would feel more comfortable than with our manager." "R-Really… I… I'd be happy with that, b-but-" "I know about the video. Don't worry." I sigh annoyed, but really I'm just uncomfortable. "Do you… do you think I could talk to Jungwon? D-Do you think he'd be angry?" "It depends. To what?" Jake asks as he walks into the kitchen.
His hair is down today, now that I notice it's gotten really long, it falls elegantly over his face, he has a stern look on his face, but that's probably just because he's just woken up and is in a bad mood. But he took his plate and sat down next to her, even though neither of them had answered.
"It doesn't matter." Amanda says under her breath. "If these guys blackmail you, let me know. - Jaeyun says, although his tone is friendly he doesn't seem to be joking, I know him. - I'll talk some sense into them."
I purse my lips, and although she doesn't seem to notice, Jaeyun gives me a dirty look. He's probably heard more than is letting on, now he's definitely in a bad mood.
"What are you doing today?" I ask him, pouring myself some water and leaning against the kitchen counter as I look at him quietly. "I've got a photoshoot and then I'm making a video for YouTube with Sunoo. - I nod interestedly, but I already knew that, I just wanted to change the subject. - And you?" "I'm taking Amanda to the doctor." The girl turns to me in surprise, but it's Jake who answers before she can open her mouth. "Why you?" "She's going with Ester… I'm taking the opportunity to see her." I smile. "It's crazy that you're the one doing these things. - Jake laughs instead. - You know you make a mess when they see you? There are MAMAs in a couple of months." "The visit is in Hybe. It's safe." I reply, no longer smiling, but annoyed that although it really is safe, it would actually be safer not to go.
The Hybe is like a jungle and every step you take could be a landmine, ready to explode at any moment. I know, I'm annoyed to be reminded of this, but I can't say anything else.
"Then be careful." Jaeyun snorts and starts to eat. "I will."
Also entering the room is Riki, who is just thrilled to see Amanda at the table and literally wastes no time in taking a seat next to her.
"Good morning noona. Are you awake because you slept all night? Sunghoon hyung wasn't much, was he?"
He asks amusedly, continuing to invade her personal space, leaning and rubbing against her like a cat, but shaking her so much that he also moves Jake, who seems even more nervous.
Could this really have happened? Did Sunghoon not have the strength to do it alone one last time? Or could it even have been her who rejected him? Both possibilities seem unlikely to me.
"Won't you bring my plate?" Riki asks after a while when he notices that it doesn't come. God, how spoiled he is. "Don't you have hands? Or legs?" I answer, approaching the coffee machine. The maknae mumbles as he stands up, Amanda looks at me. "Have you eaten?" I look away quickly, not wanting to make eye contact with her for too long or I'll feel weird. "I don't eat in the morning." "You cook for everyone, but you don't eat?" She asks me meekly… looking… worried.
I don't have time to answer because a freshly reared Heeseung specimen joins us in the kitchen.
Although on his days off he doesn't wake up before ten o'clock, or worse, this morning he appears out of nowhere in the kitchen, leaving everyone quite surprised, but seeing what a pissed off face he has, no one comments.
"Good morning, bitches, and Amanda." "Over to you, hyung." Raises his glass of juice, Riki, who seems completely amused by the chaotic situation we're in.
She lowers her head, not quite able to withstand Heeseung's gaze. I wonder if it's because she's afraid of him or because she has feelings for him, either way I shouldn't care, but either way it bothers me.
"So - Heeseung begins to speak, approaching the counter and taking his plate - today we define the terms of the contract? The boundaries?" He asks, sitting at the head of the table so he can look at both Amanda and me.
"I don't know, it's the doctor's appointment today. Maybe you'd rather relax - I say with a disinterested air - and then she can discuss the terms with me alone." Heeseung laughs in annoyance. "Yeah? Just you? And who exactly are you?" What a friendly tone, but I smile, nervous but smiling. "Someone more trustworthy than you." The elder man laughs again and bites into his eggs. "All right, let's pretend. And where is this examination? Who is she going with?"
Jungwon arrives in the kitchen, followed by Sunoo. He's smiling even at this late hour. I immediately notice that the first person he looks at with his eyes, which would normally be me, is Amanda instead.
Her hair is dishevelled, she is made-up, her eyes are tired, and yet she remains so beautiful. She is wearing one of Sunghoon's few sweatshirts, as he is not used to wearing them, and even without doing anything in particular, she manages to be irresistible.
Perhaps the fact that she is the only girl in the dormitory makes us particularly vulnerable.
"Let's go together, me and Jay hyung." Jungwon says, taking his plate and sitting down opposite Amanda, then with his back to me. "Why should you go? I'm free too." "I see Ester - I explain - Jungwon is doing his job as a leader. You know it's not a good idea send her with Yuki."
We've been calling him that for so long, our manager, that I'm sure Riki can't even remember his real name. Maybe his surname.
Heeseung laughs again. "It's fine, it seems absolutely safe for you two to go out with two girls, sure. After all, you're not idols, you're not even part of a group named Enhypen". "The visit is in Hybe - explained Jungwon, who I spoke to by text this morning. - Everything will be fine, but thank you for your concern! It's good to know that you care about us."
This time the elder does not answer as Sunoo starts to laugh while sitting next to the leader. I smile too as I drink my coffee, silent and smug.
"Is he a male gynaecologist?" Heeseung asks. I shake my head. "I don't know. Anyway, Ester goes with her, so…" "We all know why Hybe has a gynaecologist, don't we?" Jaeyun asks, who hasn't finished his breakfast yet, but definitely eaten. "For abortions?" Riki asks spontaneously. Jungwon chokes and starts to cough, Sunoo laughs but hands him some water and taps him on the back. "Come on, come on. It's not the time to die, at least wait until you're 27 so you'll stay in history… Anyway, I think there's sumbae Taehyung in Hybe today".
He says it like it's nothing, but he's literally just dropped a bomb. The first thing that comes to mind is: is Bangtan going to have a host? And immediately after that: why him? I mean, even Jungkook would be fine (because he's such a snob), but Taehyung… he's really particular, I don't want him to meet Amanda… or Ester.
"Isn't it dangerous to go to Hybe? There are always fans lurking around the headquarters." Riki asks, having finished eating, oddly enough everything.
Amanda just pinched her food, still looking down, and even the news about Taehyung didn't cheer her up. Why am I so sorry? I shouldn't be.
Actually the area is safe, they have their people who keep an eye on everything and then we enter through the underground car park. As for Taehyung sumbae…. I don't think we'll meet him. - Jungwon laughs. - We are nobodies to him." "Actually, he doesn't notice you, he notices them." Remember Heeseung looking at me, though, clearly expecting something, from me, and I'm pretty sure it's keeping Taehyung away from Amanda. "The medical department is secluded, hardly a chance to say hello to the sumbae." I say, trying to put an end to this conversation that is starting to get on my nerves.
Sunghoon also arrives in the kitchen, his face looking worse than it has for months. The first thing he does is stare at Amanda, who notices and lowers her eyes.
"Medical department? Say hello to who?" He asks. I look at him for a few seconds without answering, then sigh. "Amanda is going to see the Doctor. Her friend Ester is going with her, so I'm going with Jungwon too. Taehyung sumbae will be at headquarters." "I'll come too." He says without thinking. Jungwon snorts. "No."
I don't know what to say at the moment. It's not like him to forget that he has work commitments, is he so… shaken by the whole thing that he would make such a mistake? He doesn't seem like himself.
"You have a commercial today, don't you remember?" I ask him curiously. Sunghoon looks at me in surprise. "Ah… that's right, I haven't checked my phone yet." "You remember what he does but not what I have to do?" Jaeyun asks me with a chuckle.
Amanda lifts her eyes to Sunghoon, confused, probably softened. She must have noticed that Sunghoon left the room as soon as he dont saw her. Heeseung witnesses the whole scene, then puts his chopsticks on the plate, noisy, annoyed, Amanda lowers her gaze, almost intimidated.
What a guy, Lee Heeseung.
It's useless anyway. - Try to calm the situation, Jungwon, with great nonchalance. - I'll go, i'm the leader. Amanda would like the company of a friend, Jay hyung's chick". "Does Hanni know?" Sunghoon asks annoyed. "What? That I, as leader, have to supervise the medical examination of our host? - He pauses briefly. - No, I missed it. Does Wonyoung know?"
Sunghoon doesn't answer, but by now he's not even angry, obviously Wonyoung's affairs can no longer be used against him. He comes over to the counter where the coffee machine is. I make breakfast for him too, but he often skips it, like now, when he makes himself an american coffee instead.
"When are you leaving? - Heeseung asks, getting everyone's attention. - When are you coming back?" "When are we going, hyung?" Jungwon asks. "Around ten." I answer. "When are we coming back?" He asks again. I laugh, it's unbearable when he does that, but his sense of humour kills me. "We'll see." "Good answer!" "They're stupid, but you acts like tyrant." Sunoo comments, eating very quietly and enjoying the show, though I wonder how he feels lately. "I'm the cutest tyrant in the world though, right noona?" Jungwon asks, waving at her, and she actually raises her eyes, paralysed by the young leader's expression.
Fuck… she's practically blushing in front of him and now looks around nervously. How is she older than me? She's so damn pretty. I approach Jungwon and slap him politely on the back of the head.
" Yah! Why?" "Stop being a tyrant. - I pretend to scold him, then sigh. - Look, I'm not letting you get up until you've finished eating."
At first she does not seem to understand, but when she does, she stares at me with that strange look she always gives me. I don't know what it means, but she looks sad.
I want to be part of the tyrant too!' - Riki says and raises his hand. - Besides, I've got nothing to do. Come on, you should take me with you." "No." Heeseung replies, crossing his arms over his chest, he hasn't touched his food yet, this isn't like him at all. "You can't tell me what to do." Niki mumbles, though not as proudly as usual, moving some leftovers around the plate with a chopstick, this boy with no manners… "Yah, don't play with your food. You'll find the same breakfast until you eat it." "I'm not playing - he whines like a wayward child - come on, let me come with you!" "No, go and join Heeseung." I snort, amused. "I don't want to, I don't want to!"
I see Amanda smiling because of Riki's funny and childish tone, who doesn't usually act like that, or rather… he used to act like that a lot… but now he's changed. There are many reasons why he did that, but we were also suffering and someone realised it too late.
He used to be a funny guy, a bit weird, but always happy - like Jungwon, but without his malice. Now he has the malice and he has gone dark with all of us, maybe because of the problems he had with Jaeyun, whatever they may be.
I nod amusedly. "Try tidying up the house, there are so many things you could do on your day off." Heeseung is very stiff, I can see and feel it. "Stay home, we'll spend some quality time together." This sounds like a veiled threat. "Since you left before I woke up - Sunghoon sighs, looking sad and a little tired - I put my number on your phone." He tells her. I look at him, annoyed. "How did you do that? Do you know her code?" "I found out the first day." He says, sipping his coffee. Amanda laughs, not in delight, but in obvious disbelief, her eyebrows raised in surprise. "You lied. Did you read my chats?" "I don't understand… English that well - in fact, he doesn't even understand it that badly - and anyway, I have dignity, I don't give a damn about your chats." Sunghoon replies, always very polite. "Should Amanda noona teach you?" Sunoo suggests, laughing. "I know some english too." Jaeyun replies. "Did your phone come back?" Heeseung asks, looking at our host who nods weakly.
It's strange, it's the first time in a long time that we're all in the kitchen, should I be happy about it? Actually, the correct emotion is concern - most of them are just here to check on Amanda.
Although it seems obvious that she is the element that will divide us, I keep getting the impression that she is actually bringing us closer, albeit in a somewhat toxic way… not that she is to blame, of course.
"I'm meeting Intak hyung today." Sunoo says changing the subject. "Really? He didn't ask about me?" Riki asks. "Why would he?" The blonde asks again, sulking. "Why should he go out with you?" The maknae replies amused. I shrug my shoulders. "None of your business."
Eventually they all start to annoy Sunoo a bit, reminding him that he's a pretty shady guy and hangs out with guys who are a bit crazy, but knowing Sunoo, now, he's even more interested in hanging out with him, after all he's just a rebellious kid too.
"You eat too. - Heeseung sighs irritably and looks at Sunoo before getting up from the table. - And you, let me know when you get home." He speaks to Amanda. Sunghoon is visibly annoyed, probably because it would be strange to say the same thing now, and he wants to. "Let's have a group. I don't see the point of talking alone". "That's not a bad idea - Jaeyun says, putting down his chopsticks, he hasn't finished his breakfast either, but I know it's not because of the taste. - But you gave her your number, right?" Sunghoon looks at him boredly. "Everyone but you." "Then you haven't really seen her chats." He bursts out laughing.
The peer stares at him wordlessly, but then seems to think, I think he saw the chats, but hastily, because he was too proud. He probably didn't check the archived chats, what a newbie… ….
Heeseung looks up in irritation and then leaves the room, not even bothering to put his plate down. I grin irritably, I hate it when he remembers he's older, because there's no way I can compensate for that.
"Such manners." Sunghoon comments. I push him. "Shut up." "You shut up." He replies. "Noona, you really need to finish your breakfast." Says Jungwon, who hasn't been heard from for a while.
With his back to me, I didn't see his expression the whole time, but he was silent for a long time. He was probably studying the people around him to get a better idea of what they were thinking.
Amanda nods, awkwardly but charmingly filling his mouth, and I hear the leader chuckle.
"Go get settled, it takes an hour each time." "Right, we could meet Taehyung hyung. - He nods, gets up and takes the dishes of the others, too, to put them back into the dishwasher. - We have to hurry, Noona." "Speaking of which, you shouldn't wear anything flashy. Neither should your boyfriend." It sounds like advice, but it's more of a threat to Sunghoon as he turns to Amanda, who avoids his gaze. She does the same with him - could it be that she likes them both? "You have a lot of cloths to me - Jaeyun interrupts - change in my room." Amanda looks at me, not understanding, then turns and smiles weakly. "W-Well, thank you." "Don't thank him, he's not doing anything special." Sunghoon approaches her angrily. "Finish eating." I tell her again.
She gives me that adorable worried look and goes back to her breakfast like a child who has been scolded. Jungwon watches her for a few seconds, then smiles softly.
"Omo, noona. You look so pretty while you eat." He says. I snort and grab him by the shoulders and push him out of the kitchen. "I said dress!" "Jay, you have to be careful today." Sunghoon tells me when the leader has finally disappeared from the hallway. "I know." I sigh. "Have you talked to Ester? Did you tell her to dress inconspicuously?" He calls her by name? "Yes." I answer. Sunghoon's lips tighten, as if he's annoyed because there's nothing else to pick on me about. "She can't meet Taehyung." "She won't meet him." I snort. "Can I… can I move my schedule?" "You want to postpone the production of a commercial? - I look at him in silence, wishing he would see the absurdity of his suggestion for himself. - Don't talk shit. Pull yourself together."
The truth is that I've been thinking about this for a while. I didn't want to concretise my thoughts in order to get the hypothesis out of my head, but what worries me now is not that Taehyung notices Amanda.
But that Ester notices Taehyung.
The night we met she talked a lot about BTS, about being an army. Ester is just as beautiful as Amanda, and she fits the korean standard of beauty much better, with her milky skin, petite but graceful body, and her boobs, that no heterosexual man can ignore it, right?
Amanda will be scruffy, Ester probably not scruffy enough - I've warned her not to wear skimpy things, but I haven't told her to dress badly. Should I do it now? It feels wrong, though, because she might meet her idol.
But what if…
No, that's absurd. Taehyung probably won't even look at us, and we'll have to try and go unnoticed too, before some big head from Hybe questions the situation of the two of us together with two beautiful girls.
"Noona, would you like me to give you some tips on how to dress?" Riki suggests, catching everyone's attention. Amanda giggles, perhaps for the first time this morning. "Thanks… But I'm really good at dressing badly." "There, I'm getting bored already. - The brat sighs and gets up from the table. - I wonder if Heeseung hyung is in the mood to get his ass kicked at Play".
He leaves the room. I laugh but try to keep my composure, the fact is that even though Heeseung has been playing for years, Riki seems to get good at everything instantly, even games he doesn't even know.
Jaeyun takes Amanda by the shoulders as she finishes eating. "Let's go, come on." Amanda meekly lets herself be pulled along. "Alright…" Sunghoon watches them go, then mumbles. "Shit, is the doctor a man?" "I have no idea, but I…" "I don't want another man to see her naked." He interrupts me, quietly angry. I sigh, I can't take it any longer. "We've all seen her naked, practically." "It's not the same." He replies seriously. I narrow my eyes, annoyed by his concern. "Can we? Me, can I?" Sunghoon's face changes, I knew this would happen, but I answered anyway. "You've got your new girlfriend, right?" "We know it's no problem, right?" "Don't piss me off." "I'm just trying to reason with you. - I sigh again and pat him on the shoulder before leaving him alone in the kitchen. - Go and have a shower, you look like shit."
#enhypen#enha smut#kpop smut#enhypen heeseung#enhypen sunghoon#enha fanfic#porcodio#enha#enha heeseung#heeseung#sunghoon#enha sunghoon#park sunghoon#lee heeseung
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aurgh
#my dads in the hospital.#im really worried. everything is bad right now#my moms like $200 in the hole#and hes about to be homeless#and i feel so helpless. i did so much today and yet i feel useless#i feel so trapped#every time things start to feel ok and i get into a rhythm something goes wrong again#im so sick of this
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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now
#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL#really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us#ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great#extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore#the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog#its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow#i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating#i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one#i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it#theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget#anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by#there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad#cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now#maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that#im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away#ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free#i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20#i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her#but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more#maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know#because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before#i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years#i dunno. i dont know#anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process#the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months#the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time#when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move#just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend
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Fine, don't text me for over a week, don't return my calls, don't return my emails. Do whatever you want. I don't care.
#he often does this when things are very bad#so i'm worried absolutely sick what's going on#he's never really done this to me though#i know he's alive because his brother's gf sent me a picture of them together. so i can know that at least#but underneath all the worry i am Lonely! so deeply lonely!#i deserve love i deserve at least a good night#he used to give this to me why isn't he now?#and like. we're meant to be arranging trav together and I have No idea what his plans are#so i'll have to dump everything at my parents at the last minute#the situation with his family is fucking awful so i dont feel i have a right to be mad but like. im not happy about this
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re: the situation here, the supreme court is gonna be announcing their decision tomorrow on whether to declare the mining contract illegal/unconstitutional (actually its a bit more complicated bc they'll be repealing a specific law, but to keep it understandable lmao) which would then give justification for it to be voided. first quantum minerals will likely try to sue our government if that happens, but that'll be the next problem to deal with and people would rather know our representatives actually convey the population's will at the very least lmfao. but if the court doesn't give the decision people want to hear then shit will definitely kick off for at least a few days.
also the canadian embassy have refused to get involved at all or even give a statement, and won't respond to anyone, but it doesn't surprise me whose side the canadian government is on 🤡
this was the crowd outside the supreme court this afternoon though
#🐊#god i really am hoping for the best but the corruption is just so so so bad here#even within the supreme court too#im also a bit worried abt potential riots etc. if it's bad news bc the police will start escalating shit immediately#but im also gonna be so angry its gnna take some willpower not to be outside smashing car windows and shit myself jsdfjgsdgfsdgj#this whole situation has felt so frustrating bc its like the panamanian population right now are the only thing standing in the way of such#mass scale destruction of the rainforest (not to mention the exploitation colonialism and everything else) and so many people have been#trying so hard in struggles against both this company and our government#but we're such a small country and its like nobody cares about us
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River monsters mentioned for the river monsters mutuals
#From a head full of ghosts by paul tremblay#About a quarter of the way in and i like the writing so far and i like seeing a book that is trying to tackle how harmful exorcisms are#Especially when the actual issue is mental health as the narrators sister has schizophrenia and on top of all that theyre being covered by#A reality tv show which is why you keep seeing other shows like that mentioned#The only thing im wrestling with is the portrayal of schizophrenia considering neither i or the author have to deal with it and im not sure#As of right now if its really going to challenge the portrayal of schizophrenia in horror beyond hey its gonna get even more fucked up for#Someone if you bring religion into it#Like again the narrator is this girls sister not the actual person going through everything and of course its really scary for everyone it#Not a bad thing to have a narrator who is a scared child worried about her sister and not really understanding whats going on the problem i#How much of that perspective is used to make the other sister seem like this scary monster in their lives#Like i said im only a quarter of the way in im not sure how i feel now and how ill feel later but i really hope it does end up saying#Something new and interesting about the way we treat mental illness in horror especially because the premise is so SO good for that
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Vent in the tags, just keep scrolling~
#since becoming homeless (again...)a little over 3 months ago#my husband and i along with my four dogs (3 wolfdog/husky mixes and a AmStaff mutt) AND our 3 cats#have been living on the floor of an amazing friends garage since February#waiting for my husbands inheritance to be processed by the bank so we can actually go back to a normal human existence#but until then everything is a major fucking struggle to even eat every day :^)#and ive been in a bad spot mentally for a while now#the bestie is going through some MAJOR life stuff right now and has a lot more to worry about than our dumb ocs and snzblr#i just wish i had some actual friends in the community instead of the half of snzblr that has me blocked lol#its really dumb and desperate for me to want people to be nice to me and maybe even form some kind of friendship when im clearly shown that#my presence in one of the only places i used to feel scene is honestly unwanted#i wish i didnt care so much but damn man im tired of always being alone and having conversations with myself#but oh well i guess this is what i get#geezievent#well this is embarrassing lmao
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i really fuckin hate my current roommate situation for multiple reasons. one of which is due to him deciding to quit her job immediately after i moved down here i had to be the only leaseholder with a secret roommate situation. and now. their gate system is changing and uses an app to open the gate with a verified occupant's phone number. fuuuuck im like banging my head against the wall
#ordinarily i wouldnt mind a secret roommate situation but its to the point with this guy that i have to handle everything on top of this#and he does not like me all the while. and it sucks so bad#this whole venture down here has been really chaotic and messed up#i cant imagine them ONLY using the app. like. what if my phone dies when im out and i live alone right?#i just gotta call them tomorrow and ask. but it just blows to have to worry about this#in the wake of them deciding to quit his job immediately after i moved in with her#like we talked about them quitting his job before i moved in but i didnt realize it'd be for..... so long. so long.#so long that i had to get us a new apartment that he didnt want to make any input in with#she just wanted me to handle it#and when i broke my foot and was homebound i had to move us both out and repair the previous place up#and after a few months of living here in the new place where we had plans to travel out together and make texas temporary....#she ghosted me for 4 months (WE LIVE TOGETHER?) and then went ''yeah i wasnt being fair to you this isnt working.. -#-i dont like your cats and didn't realize how much i valued living alone''#thanks. im being ditched here. what am i supposed to do now#sorry for always talking about this shit. its my current life situation rn. its not nearly as bad as i've been through but it just sucks
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literally not my fault that i dont have a journal or therapy so you all have to see me oversharing on tumblr dot com
#tough tough night tonight folks!#blog like no one is watching right?#im going to sound so overdramatic and dumb but i neeed to share and fuck it it's my silly tumblr blog#it's just been a really rough couple of hours? days? months? years?#it's this stupid day it was my cousin's bday and as if i havent been jealous of her since she was baby she's always too fucking perfect#she looks perfect and she had this big nice party with more friends than I've ever had at any point in my life and it just makes you think#like at this point it Has to be something wrong with me right?#what does it say about me that i havent kept a single friend in 25 years? no one stays longer than what? 4-5 years?#i have to believe the only reason my one last friend and online friends still stand me it's because it's at a distance#and dont get me started on the love department bc no they dont like me like that no one ever wants me like that I've never#I've never liked anyone that likes ne back or that i have a serious cjance with and who cares if romantic love isn't everything the point is#that if you want it and everyone but you get it starts to feel so so so bad#okay I'll shut up now dont worry about me im holding on for dear life to the precious little handful of nice things in my life bc they are#they are fucking great#but i needed to have a pity party for a bit okay byeeee
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im just gonna tmi-medication share in the tags real quick
#tales from diana#i want to preface this with i've been prescribed adderall as-needed for adhd for a fullllll decade now#don't come at me with anti-adderall or anti-adhd-medication bullshit im not here for it!!#but my health problems have been so bad and ive been getting the worst sleep of my life lately no matter WHAT i do#i can do everything right#and btw i do not take adderall every day. which is implied by as-needed but i want to stress again I DONT NEED IT EVERY DAY#only when i do like. work. which ive been doing less and less bc of health problems!#but even though i havent been able to physically work so much i still have been taking half-doses a couple times a week just to like. read.#just to have a brain to do ANYTHING when everything is so awful and my brain is so foggy#ive always *sometimes* cut my doses in half if im not doing so much. just to save it y'know.#and ive always also *occasionally* gotten worse or even a really bad night's sleep after taking adderall#most commonly i'll wake up absurdly early the next morning and not be able to fall back asleep#rationing sleep is always something ive been in the habit of doing anyway as a person w adhd.#sleeping 4-6 hours during the week and 10-12 hours on weekends. just to make up for the deprivation y'know.#but even lately cutting my regular dose in half. it's still too much.#my current dose btw is already half of what it was in high school! i decreased my dose already years ago#but yesterday i finally got the nerve to take. a damn quarter of my own pill#and i took the smaller quarter of the half i cut in half.#i was def taking less than 5mg of my damn medication#and i actually didnt sleep like complete shit! and i was also worried#it might not be so effective.#but it actually worked quite well. i had enough focus to read for several hours#i had energy throughout the day too#i sometimes try to do caffeine on days i cant/dont wanna take adderall but caffeine just does not do the addy things so effectively. iykyk.#i cant believe i have to be so skimpy w my own life-sustaining mental health medications just bc my physical health is so bad#but whatever. whatever!#im gonna take another quarter-dose today and finish pericles prince of tyre. have a great day everyone
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Why are there always new symptoms showing up?? I just want a fucking break ;-;
#hello and on todays episode of wtf is wrong with resident hypochondriac opossum#i think maybe im extremely dehydrated and cant absorb fluids properly from drinking them (i think this for a variety of reasons)#and its starting to become very concerning and i think i need iv fluids like asap but i have no insurance#and also if i did theyd think i was crazy and not treat me condescend me and possible even admit me to inpatient msntal health#also having severe pain in my throat spreading to my skull that feels like someone jabbing me from the inside#which could be a sign of a compressed nerve so that fun /s#jesus christ im so tired i need a break i need this to stop#the pain alone is making me dizzy#and making me sweat which is dehydrating me more#ive tried everything i can think of and nothings working#i drink plenty ive cut out caffiene before i drink electrolyte drinks i make sure i eat enough salt etc etc#and its NEVER enough#oh yeah cant forget the compression socks and two different meds i tried to help me not pass put#guess what they didnt work either#and now im worried that my dehydration might be causing my hallucinations because they arent typical for psychosis#and maybe even my seizures which is really really bad#like i could go into a coma and die if i continue this way bad#but like that cant possibly be whats going on right? surely im just exaggerating because of anxiety#theres no way itd be that bad#my gf is basically a doctor and she would've done something by now if it was that bad#but hhh#why do i feel like this#why else do my hallucinations get worse whenever i sweat or exercise#why else do i have an extremely fast heart rate and fainting and im thirsty all the time but the second i drink i have to go pee already
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finally playing the sword & shield dlc (yes i’m a little late to the party lmao) and woooow crown tundra is so much more enjoyable than isle of armour
#maybe it’s just because i’m stuck in the stage of leveling kubfoo and the only other thing to do in the meantime is the diglett quest#hey you know what would be fun for the players? spotting a dozen sight variations on the ground in a sandstorm!!!#also the dynamax lair thing in crown tundra?????? VERY FUN and basically just free legendaries#they just tell you where to find giratina and you do 4 fights and don’t have to worry about catch rates??#tbf i did lose again kyurem but then you can just retry at any time and it doesn’t cost you ANYTHING#i also really like the fact that they give you pokemon to choose. takes a lot of the stress out of it for me#ANYWAY so it’s rough having to choose legendary forms#i wanna go with the darker type for everything all the time lmao#like i’m gonna get the ghost horsie. but i’m still trying to decide for urshifu#i think i might actually go with water. but dark is cool 😭😭😭#tbf i can just use a different switch profile to get the other one and then transfer it but it’s not the same yknow. only one is my choice#anyway idk. i’m having fun. i played for like 8 hrs straight yesterday OOPS#trying to work out the regi puzzles tho….regirock was very obviously an everstone but i’ll have to think abt the others#(NO SPOILERS IM DOING IT MYSELF)#and then i have to choose electric vs dragon right? fml#i’ll probably go electric because my strongest pokemon are more dragons#but i know regieleki is the competitive choice and more ppl take it so i feel bad for regidrago lmaooooo#whatever that’s a choice for later. the only choice i have to make right now is where to plant my carrots and im going with ghost for that#IM GOING GHOST GUYS#personal
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Flying to San Francisco today!
#wanted to say a few things that I’ve been thinking since this morning#the first one is silly and it’s that bad bunny story with kendal and gucci is hilarious really#especially since everyone was wishing gucci to die amd im like wait til Sabato gets on track again#so they took the most streammed and probably famous artist right now lol#and one of the kardashians 💀💀💀💀💀 marketing is so fucking nuts at times#secondly… im so worried about shawn#things haven’t been quite right since that fucking rainbow flag on his ig story#the tour cancelled no music the mental health stuff everyone shitting on him… idk i want to protect him#but im so proud of him for taking the courage it takes to make such risky decisions everytime#not everyone is open to accept everything and be the yes man#it depends what values you believe in i guess
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I actually really fucking hate how anything in my schedule not going the way I initially Intended For It To just automatically makes me a massive fucking crybaby and or a raging bitch. Like dude. The grocery store does not hate me. It sucks that my schedule requires me to get there an hour earlier no matter what but like. They didn’t do that to me. Why am I always so upset whenever I have to change plans. I change plans too! I’m a living person!!! Why am I so fucking upset about this!!!!!!
#personal#im gonna delete this later I’m just venting#I’m also fine I’m just having a rough day and I can’t figure out why my emotions have been so fucking volatile. It’s so frustrating that#I can’t figure out how to get a handle on my emotions. I know I need to feel things but the problem is if I let myself feel them too much#Then I’m going to spiral or lash out at some random bystander and both of these make the initial feeling worse#I just can’t pull myself out of that quickly enough recently. It’s not an issue of ability bc I can. I just can’t do it.#wait that’s contradictory. I’ve been really struggling too recently. There we go. There’s accuracy.#Either way. Didn’t I spend all year in therapy last year trying to get this shit together? What the fuck.#Why is it the second I show a modicum of progress I immediately hit a single pebble on the road and get sent ass over teakettle#Progress isn’t linear but it also sure as hell isn’t meant to be a time loop. That I’m pretty sure of.#God everything’s just been so difficult this year. Shit that used to be almost instinctual to me now is a nightmare.#Maybe it’s growing pains and I guess that’s valid but how long do I have to have them#The good news is that thus far I have not snapped at anyone so at least right now we don’t have any casualties of my bad attitude#I feel so bad being so worried about that but like seriously no one needs me to be snapping at them. Even if I feel catharsis in the moment#We all feel bad immediately afterwards#It’s literally not even been a bad day today. I cannot emphasize how this has been the only problem today. Literally so much good happened#Ugh#dont look at me
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