#im really just want crowley to be happy and aziraphale to suffer

[purplemoonabove]

Thank GOD I’m not the only one on this issue.

Like, seriously? So caught up with the future reunion you don’t even focus on the reality weighting at their shoulders? If Crowley didn’t forgive God, how Aziraphale any different from Her?

Because they are friends?

Because they shared 6000 years of history together?

Because Aziraphale loves him the same way.

Are you even aware that the rejection is an infinite times worse than Crowley’s fall because of how close they are? The moment Crowley attempts to speak of his feelings again after so long, he gets immediately shut down. By Heaven. Again. And everyone believes that “their love will make that pain go away the moment they see each other again”…

…

The amount of angst I am BEGGING Neil to do for season 3.

On Aziraphale for his own actions. And to the people, thinking forgiveness is an easy concept to grasp in a second chance.

My god, Crowley just doesn’t get a break, doesn’t he? His actions speak louder than words – but that’s because he spent his entire existence as a demon hiding how he actually feels in worries of a repeat in history, whether from Heaven or Hell. He has done so many things for Aziraphale while shutting down the idea of sharing emotions, not realizing how much he was in love with him until someone tells him truthfully from a human that is fully aware of empathy, and not as a mockery from supernatural beings who clearly don’t. He takes the brave step in telling Aziraphale in expressing his feelings for the first time in centuries, showing how much he trusts the angel in understanding how he feels due to how mindful Aziraphale can be.

Only for Heaven to kick him off to a second fall. And Aziraphale was the cause of it without even realizing it.

We know they have feelings for each other. They don’t; everyone else can see it but them, humans seeing it better than Heaven or Hell. But their communications in expressing feelings are so shut down, it is literally impossible for them to express without worry of either side screwing them more than usual.

This is not a fanfiction story brought to life on a streaming site. It’s a story with real feelings and complications in a best friends-to-lovers relationship.

This is the example of their lives mixed with ours! It’s not easy and it never should be so damn easy! The feelings and actions are real to them as they are to us! Forgiveness is hard, especially when going through a terrible heartbreak – more than once!

I respect people’s own thoughts and choices, but the fact that so many people wants to focus on an easy fix-up than to go through the long angst waiting line that eventually reaches to the end towards respected and well-communicated happiness is really beginning to bug me. I would be on the fix-up more if I was younger, not an adult with my mind open as my eyes. It doesn’t help when seeing fanart, and the style is too cute to be annoyed over… I got fanfiction for that, and they satisfy me on what I hope for in the upcoming season: Aziraphale realizing the consequences of his actions and how Crowley needs to treat himself better on speaking his own thoughts out and setting boundaries as mentioned in the reblogged post.

Literally, Crowley has done SO MUCH since the beginning of time — Man makes a star factory and it doesn’t even get justice when its planned to be shut down in a number of years. Not. Cool. He did so many things that not only helped humans, but also Aziraphale. Disregard the friendship, and Aziraphale holds more debt to return to Crowley.

Did everyone forget Crowley froze time ON SATAN, HIS BOSS, for the angel?!

And Crowley is the one that should forgive Aziraphale so easily?!

Like, WHAT THE FREAKING HELL?!!

Okay, my point is that people need to wake up in this story. This is not a fanfiction where every bit of pain can be easily healed by love. Life doesn’t work that way, and thank God Neil isn’t following that direction in this story regardless the main leads being human-shaped creatures.

Their lack of communication has them screw up each other. However, it can also lead to a point where Aziraphale can finally realize his actions leads to consequences he cannot keep hidden or have Crowley fix willingly for him – especially on this matter. As well for Crowley to finally give himself self-respect, not follow the angel anymore, and set boundaries to give himself a moment to breathe and live to make himself happy for once. We still got that whole “Second Coming” business to deal with, but that’s up to the plot as it handles that and the main pair and everyone else that will be a part of this finishing storyline.

Seriously. I want these two together again, but I rather deal with massive moments of angst than to skip the line and head straight towards the happy ending without a sense of empathy expressed to have the closure done properly

"crowley would immediately forgive him"

"crowley will just immediately take him back"

"crowley would never be angry at him. he will just go on like before"

you—you do know that's bad right? you DO know all of those are bad. right???

any options that do not involve crowley actually getting to express his emotions in a healthy way and set boundaries with aziraphale are not. good. they're deeply unhealthy and if they want to get somewhere they need to STOP doing that kinda shit. it's how they ended up where they did in the first place.

[tonydaddingham]

the s2 endgame

an incredibly long post that i will not apologise for but does contain multiple frames of michael sheens face, so-

the first beat, for me, that truly leads up to the kiss is when aziraphale says to crowley, "i don't think you understand what im offering you." because whilst im sure in part aziraphale was referring to the offer of restoration and - as he perceived it - what it meant for crowley (and that's what crowley denied with "i understand. i think i understand a whole lot better than you do."), i think aziraphale truly meant that crowley didn't understand what the restoration could give them. to restore crowley meant that aziraphale could give all of himself to crowley, with no fear of reprisal or comeuppance like they've had to suffer for their entire existence; "pretending that we aren't".

it meant that they could be safe, together, as two angels, and not on opposite sides in the eyes of heaven. they could work together to make things better, but they would be together. crowley was completely justified in refusing the offer, based on his own trauma and pain that heaven unforgivably dealt to him, but aziraphale wasn't necessarily asking crowley to forget or forgive that; but instead to be with aziraphale, aziraphale completely as he is with nothing hidden, nothing repressed, and nothing sequestered away in fear of retribution from heaven - or indeed in fear of rejection from crowley.

so when crowley said he understood more than aziraphale did, i imagine that meant to aziraphale that crowley did indeed see all of that, had heard aziraphale and knew what aziraphale was offering, the security and freedom as aziraphale saw it, but didn't want it - didnt want aziraphale, didn't want that version of us - anyway. crowley didn't mean it that way, of course; he meant he knew that the restoration would trap him, try to make him into an angel he no longer knew or wanted to be, and was rejecting what he thought aziraphale wanted him to be.

but i personally can't conceive any notion where aziraphale would ever have thought this - he's fallen for the not-quite-angel-not-quite-demon that crowley is now - why can't crowley see that? he just wants to give him back the same peace and joy that he had before the fall, but naively cant understand that being an angel doesn't make it so. it's not about being an angel, for aziraphale, but what being an angel could return to crowley... that it could fix the wounds that the fall left behind.

but here we arrive at "no nightingales". given the symbolism in popular culture and in mythology behind the nightingale, and the context of the nightingale in their story, it seems to me like crowley is saying that the conversation that has just transpired between them has broken something. and really broken something. it hasn't broken the love, per se - that's still there - but it's led to their own personal tragedy. their conflicting wants and needs have led to the downfall. that in crowley's eyes, there isn't a way to repair the damage that has been done. he doesn't even qualify that it's 'no nightingales singing', but the full absence of them, meaning that this has changed - poisoned - every chance of what could have been.

"we could have been us" compounds this; that in crowley's mind, there is no possibility of this now. that he knows what aziraphale will decide, what he will choose, and knows that he has already lost; and he's placing all of it at aziraphale's feet. that if the only way to see them be together is to be restored, to return to heaven, then crowley can't and will not do it - he doesn't understand why aziraphale would even entertain the thought and sees it as a reflection of aziraphale's distain for his current self.

aziraphale however sees it as an opportunity to ensure that they are safe in perpetuity, and wants to reverse the fall because the happiness and joy that he saw before is what he wants for crowley now, not realising that the two are, as of now, currently incompatible. so this line is, for aziraphale, the final deathblow; that there is no way back from this, the chance has faded to nothing even if the love between them remains - and they'll never get back the 'us' that existed before the event, let alone the 'us' that they both want now.

the wave hits aziraphale and bowls him over, makes him stagger. what he has been wanting - but couldn't initiate out of fear - is now completely impossible and will never happen. his face crumples, and he turns away, mirrors crowley in not looking at him, not letting him see the vulnerability and the sorrow. he looks to the left, into the dark and away from the light, into the space where crowley normally stands, always by his side, and not on the other side of the chasm that has now erupted between them.

but crowley does sees the face, and recognises it. he's seen it before, seen the expression of when aziraphale hears his sentence and resigns himself to his fate, and despairs in kind that this rift of both of their makings has put in on aziraphale's face. but he also sees it as a mark of hope; can I change his mind? can I offer him something that I haven't offered yet? he can feel the last burning embers of doubt, and he could stoke it. build to a full fire, to an inferno. words haven't worked, they never work - "it's always too late" - but in this case, just one time, action might. so then crowley - oh, crowley - makes up his mind. he has to know, whatever happens, that he did everything that he could possibly do to cling to this dream, this fairytale, where they might get to be together.

and it's pure desperation and determination, the swan dive off the cliff not knowing how far it'll be until he reaches the bottom. there's the smallest chance he might catch an updraft and fly. but the kiss - whether he intends it that way or not - is a temptation. and he's so good at that, isn't he? he tempted aziraphale into eating, he tempted him into dispatching a child... he knows he can do it, and he knows that aziraphale can succumb to it (whether it's because angels can in fact be tempted by demons, or because aziraphale can be tempted by crowley). he has nothing else to lose, but everything to gain, and that everything is slipping through his fingers, "you can't leave this bookshop", so what does it matter if he tries to keep aziraphale in the last way he knows how?

and even then this time, it's more; it's physical, it's raw, and it's human. their common ground. he's the serpent of eden, he tempted eve to the apple, he brought about the fall of humanity. crowley has gone beyond tempting aziraphale with sly words, assurances, and logic; this time, he's putting everything into it, giving it his all, so neither of them can ever say he didn't try. temptation was literally his first order, his first command; his most powerful and yet destructive capability. and each one, on aziraphale's part, has led to manifestly chipping away at aziraphale's divinity, his angelic core. each one has made aziraphale into the person he is today, the person that crowley loves, so whilst it may not be the right thing to do, it's the best chance he has to reach him.

so crowley grabs him, wheels him round to face him, and pulls aziraphale into him. there are no words, there's no gentleness, there's no finesse; it's practically animal, carnal and rough, and everything that - in all likelihood - neither of them wanted when they imagined how this moment would be, if it ever came. and throughout the whole thing, crowley does not move. his grip does not lessen, his mouth does not move, his expression does not falter; it's like he's serpentine again in all but form, constricting and gripping his prey into subjugation. it's instinctive, and unconscious, probably involuntary, but it leaves aziraphale with such little room, no space to breathe.

aziraphale visibly seems to struggle - somewhat physically, but certainly emotionally and mentally - and we can see that predominantly in his expression. he at least almost seems like he's trying to pull away, or create some space between them. it's not how he likely imagined their first kiss - if they ever got to have one and if aziraphale indeed ever imagined it - to be; it's not right, and it certainly doesn't feel like love. love may be behind the wheel, but what is slamming into him in possession, and anguish. i can't believe that aziraphale doesn't know or feel that, not going by the way he reacts. there's also the fact that - as far as we've seen - the last time crowley gripped him by the lapels and got this close to him was at tadfield manor, when crowley was all but raging at him, "im not nice, im never nice; nice is a four-letter word". it's an unmistakable parallel, and it may be that that four-letter word is swapped out for another one, it certainly doesn't feel like it in the moment.

but then aziraphale relaxes, rocks back towards crowley, and returns it. he grips at his back, at the space where resides his wings, and gives back crowley what he's asking for. it might be that aziraphale is trying to be kind - giving him the confirmation that he returns his love even if he can't act on it - or it might be because aziraphale actually realises that he likes it, this kiss, and the brutality of it. it might even be that he knows that this may be his only chance to show crowley that it's reciprocated; that he feels the same way. but it may also be, in addition to any or indeed all of the above, that aziraphale subconsciously succumbs to the temptation. gripped and bound, with nowhere to go, he surrenders to his fate - the freefall - and allows himself for a moment to sink. but then he steps back out of it, reins himself in, lifts his hands again from crowley, and crowley finally lets go.

crowley lets go, and stands back to see what it might have changed. did he tempt him, did he succeed? will his angel stay? it felt like he will, he felt his hands and how he surrendered - he didn't imagine it - and it might have worked in crowley's favour. it worked with the ox. it worked with the antichrist. there's no reason it wouldn't work this time, right?

until aziraphale steps back. he steps back, places that distance, the chasm, between them again, and looks for all the world that the heavens have caved in, crashing and splintering all around them. a look of utter despair, almost a plea that what happened didn't happen, because it changes everything. it puts what can't happen into the open, makes it more than the abstract. it's longing, and it's sorrow, and it's heartbreak that this could have been what they'd have.

but the fog starts to lift, the shock has settled in, and horror sweeps over; it's disbelief that crowley made that move, and made it in the way he did. it's waking up, coming-to, reality starts to seep back in. it's looking down at the board, and seeing a check on the king, a challenge that aziraphale never saw coming -

- and then it almost becomes fear and panic, backed into a corner, and not necessarily because someone could have seen them, or because crowley has now put something fundamentally physical to what they are (although i believe these could also be contributory to his reaction), but it's the dread of having to refuse and deny what crowley has put out between them, dangling between their fingers waiting to be held.

aziraphale begins to bargain, starts to try reconciling what just happened, and whether anything can be salvaged. he's had a tiny piece of what their future could hold for them, and he has a decision to make. he starts wavering, starts to oscillate between the decision to follow his head and do what he feels is the right thing in the long-term, or arguably betray the person he has become over the millennia, deny himself what he thinks is the right thing, and instead follow his heart; grasp at crowley, and the future he laid out before him.

he looks to crowley for guidance, he's lost, suddenly unanchored in a churning maelstrom. trying to gauge what move he should take - does he surrender the king, or move it to evade the check?

either decision means that the game is up or is only a matter of time before it folds; he either risks their safety by staying, or risks losing crowley by going. there isn't another option, there isn't another way, and aziraphale is teetering between the two. neither are options that he wholeheartedly wants to take. he begins to trying to speak, trying to get out words that are choking him, trapped in the snare of Things Unsaid. words to explain, to placate, to beseech, to plead, and it starts to really hurt.

and what hurts about it the most is that he's about to deny crowley. in the full scene - you can't get it from just the frames - his expression is complete heartbreak. he wants to explain why, even now, when he wants to stay more than anything, he has to choose heaven. why he has to choose to continue evading the check, why he has to continue to fight. and it's the prospect of hurting crowley in the process, of prolonging the pain, that is tearing him apart.

except. except. he's just realised what crowley was doing. it was desperation, and fear for losing aziraphale, and a last ditch attempt to cling to what they have and what they could have. all of these thing, out of love.

but what aziraphale realises is that it was manipulation. it was temptation. this one means something deeper, something darker, because to aziraphale it was calling him to betray who he truly is. and suggests that who he truly is isn't enough.

his gaze flicks up from the floor, and he finally makes full eye contact, staring crowley down. it's disbelief all over again; that crowley would resort to that trick, the trick that crowley knows is aziraphale's personal, heartfelt weakness, and one that he will - and demonstrably always has - succumbed to.

it's the disbelief that crowley would take this power and use it to mold and ply aziraphale into staying, when crowley should know that going - to "make a difference" - is the most aziraphale thing he could do. if crowley loves him, exactly as he is, why would he try to make aziraphale betray that?

the anger, the sense of betrayal, sets in, and spreads like hellfire. it relaxes his face, almost bringing him an eerie serenity. because he's seen that not only does he have to break the check (tirelessly continuing the chess metaphor), but he's going to fight back. he's seen that he can instead take the piece threatening him, and checkmate in kind.

it's the scorched earth option, but one that will demonstrate that he's not one to falter under the eyes of a challenge; he will stand his ground, roots digging into the earth, and will not be moved. he takes a breath, about to move his piece that will end the game. it will make crowley lose, but it was lost already; the game was up as soon as he told aziraphale he understood what aziraphale was offering him. because whilst crowley was talking about a place in heaven, aziraphale was talking about us.

and to aziraphale's mind, crowley was so unwilling to hear him, so ready to reject whatever narrative meant he would have to love aziraphale more than he hated heaven, that crowley would stoop to essentially trying to trick aziraphale into staying. into betraying who he is at his core.

instead, aziraphale steels himself; he knows who he is, and he will be enough. the acceptance of the situation, what it will mean when he 'wins', will do something unspeakable, but it must be done. he has to show his own claws, show how much it hurt. aziraphale takes a breath, even has a small smirk, and places the final piece.

"i forgive you."

[wanyinchen]

"I REALLY REALLY REALLY HOPE THAT AZIRAPHALE WOULDN'T GET HURT BY HIS DECISION TO GO BACK TO HEAVEN AND TAKE UP THE MANTLE OF SUPREME," was a thing I said in my last dump post. I was deep in denial and grief lmao

Like, who am I kidding, OF COURSE, Aziraphale is going to get hurt. IT'S GOOD OMEN'S HEAVEN FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE. It's going to be sterile, aseptic, void of personality, bland, and so fucking empty— all the things that do NOT reflect the home Aziraphale has built on earth.

Our babie angel is in his ✨religious-trauma relapse era✨, trust me I would know (not that I am traumatized by it too much, but I just know that it's NEVER going to be easy. To just simply go "Oh that's wrong, I shouldn't believe that! I'm gonna erase that from my mind now and everything will be absolutely dandy🥰!" Nah, that's not how it works. These types of behaviors are socialized into the very crevices of your very impressionable brain.)

And good lord the Metatron is playing Aziraphale like he's a fucking muppet in an eternally bland puppet show at heaven's own version of West End. He's dangling the hope of "reformation and institutional change" in front of Aziraphale, and Aziraphale being the kind person that he is— someone who just wants to genuinely do the right thing, like really, his heart is always at the right place. He literally only wants to see the best of anyone— it's literal catnip.

If he agrees, then he can make a difference! He can change things! He can finally dismantle the very system that abused him! This is a win, right? This is the right thing to do! No matter how much his soul screams out for Crowley, no matter how much his heart breaks, he is doing the right thing. This is the duty that the voice of God themself has appointed to him! This must be what the Almighty planned for him! No matter. No matter. No matter. This is NOT about him, this is about reformation. This is bigger than he and Crowley. This is about making sure that no one has to suffer continuous dismissal and patronization, emotional abuse, and invalidation from heaven ever again.

(He's doing this for Crowley too. Of course, he is. He has now the chance. The chance to have the power for Crowley to finally reunite with his beloved nebulae and stars and cosmos. He remembers how happy Crowley was when he had stardust on his fingertips and the joy of creation lighting up his beautiful face, if only he could make Crowley see—)

Oh, Aziraphale, the first thing you must know is that any kind of transformation will only work if the wound you are bearing is healed if the wound has bled and clotted and scarred. Only then you can ever have the hopes of changing the system— you can only help others when you are healed, if not, you're just going to bleed all over the place.

He needs to process that trauma: be sad about it, be angry about it, feel grief from it, yell about it, write about it, face it head-on, talk about it to others, introspect about it so much that you feel like you have doused yourself in antiseptics repeatedly, and finally let the wounds heal.

IM SO MAD IM SO SAD IM SO SMAD.

I WILL NEVER TRUST THAT HALF-ASSED SANTA-LOOKING BITCH EVER. this is the same bitch who so joyously declared, "The point is to win it [the war]!" I will never forget that, not as long as I breathe and can haunt the earth.

And dear lord, poor Crowley. My heart broke and aches so much for him. Because after all this time, all the progress he and aziraphale made post-apocawhoopsies and the literal six thousand years went seemingly down the drain.

(Don't worry. Its still there, its just underneath all the tons of trauma and the emotional baggage of Aziraphale)

In any case, Aziraphale choosing heaven —no matter what the reasons are— is a simultaneous gut punch, bitch slap, punch-to-the-throat, kick to the balls X 10000000 combo to Crowley. After everything, after EVERYTHING, Aziraphale will still not choose him. He can only take so much. The trust that they used to have will never be the same, it has fractured down to its foundations and the final blow was when Aziraphale said "i forgive you" after that kiss. It's Armageddon all over again but only so much worse. Aziraphale was not accidentally discorporated or waylaid by any external forces, it was Aziraphale who walked away.

He really had hoped, he really steeled himself and pulled off his shades and said "i love you, i need you, and i want you for all of eternity. Please choose me." And then Aziraphale didn't.

The Love is there— will ALWAYS, ALWAYS be there, for that Love is written on the very stars he used to create. Crowley had hung that Love in the sky too, as it is the most beautiful thing he ever made, kept, and chosen. He loves Aziraphale for so long that he doesn't know how not to. The Love will always be there, under his skin, flowing through his ichor, on every feather of his wings, and on every second of his existence. But the trust? The trust that he used to have is an entirely different thing. He knows that Aziraphale loves him back with the same all-encompassing intensity of millions of supernovas. But what he doesn't now trust is whether Aziraphale will choose that Love.

Now i must stop typing i before i hurl myself to the freeway and lie down right there

[tonydaddingham]

really, really good points!!! i will however let my absolute bias where aziraphale is concerned rear its ugly head though, in that whilst im 100% in agreement with you about how crowley perceived what aziraphale offered and said, my view is that aziraphale's motivation is a little more deep-seated that in being aligned with heaven/wanting to be part of the hive again.

(shoving under a cut because woo it's about to get lengthy)

i completely agree that aziraphale should be a little more intuitive than he currently displays re: crowley's trauma from the fall. whilst crowley has never told him, and puts on a 6000-year old swagger to paper over the gaping cracks that formed in him because of it, aziraphale is not stupid, and should be able to make an inference. he should know crowley better than that, be able to see beyond the walls crowley put up.

but at the same time, i know i have certainly known people that had certain triggers from deep trauma, even known people for a long time who have had History, and i've inadvertently glossed over what might trigger them or hurt them, because i just didn't know the full facts. these people didn't owe me their history, not at all, but even when ive previously gotten the impression there is a Thing going on, without knowing the full truth i couldnt entirely avoid hurting them by mistake.

and crowley doesn't necessarily owe aziraphale anything, but after all this time? i would have thought he could trust aziraphale with it. maybe thats just speaks to how immeasurably painful and vulnerable it was for crowley - in fact, definitely does! but in the context of the Domestic, aziraphale knows that crowley is a Good Person. he knows crowley was wronged (as far as the narrative has told us and him about why he fell) in the fall, for a minor infraction (if it's even justifiably an infraction in the first place!... and also if it's even true but that's a different story).

so, to my interpretation, the offer of restoration in aziraphale's mind is that it is an abstract (or from god?) apology to crowley, the gesture of righting that wrong and owning the fault, and giving crowley the position to do Good so noone has to ever suffer as he, they together, and others have. crowley is a good person, already halfway there, so why not just take the title and status that would allow him to practice it in absolute? they could do so much Good together.

and besides - wouldn't this mean they could exercise that good in a way that meant they never have to run? never have to escape anywhere in shame, never have to fear anything or anyone, never have to bury themselves and what they feel, because not only is aziraphale planning to return to heaven, but return as Supreme Archangel; noone would ever dare to question him and crowley! i think that's, in aziraphale's mind, ultimate safety and freedom, however naive in the long term.

i don't think, at this point, aziraphale feels guilty or ashamed of being in love with a demon - we'd probably see a lot more of the hesitancy of s1 in his behaviour, i think, if he was; instead, the man is obsessed with him in s2. like, besotted with crowley exactly as he is before the offer of restoration was ever on the table. i think he's fully embraced loving crowley as crowley - neither an angel or a demon - and ill discuss this here*. but this where i consider "nothing lasts forever" to come in - aziraphale saying that he doesn't care if the world disintegrates, as long as he and crowley remain that's all that matters (and again - crowley understandably does hear that at all).

in terms of vulnerability: im going to be a little ignorant and ask where you see crowley be vulnerable in the series other than in ep6? (genuine q, because im happy to be proven wrong!) because to me all i see is crowley hovering in the metaphorical doorway; aziraphale has been very forward (for him) this season in how he declares their togetherness at the very least, exception being his denial to gabriel in ep1 (but im mindful to chalk that up to it being before all the events of s1 where aziraphale let's himself fully fall). this is probably because crowley's not taking up aziraphale's more subtle cues, doesn't notice the glances and particular 'us' phraseology that aziraphale adopts, and thinks aziraphale is still himself a few steps behind, rather than ahead.

but all the conversations re: "you two a couple? you should talk more, are you treating him right?" has all been involving crowley... for once, it's aziraphale that's maybe gone a bit too fast and crowley is scrambling to catch up, and he does in true whiplash-inducing crowley fashion in ep6, but then of course aziraphale had to mete out the death blow of the restoration offer etc etc. crowley does lead that scene in terms of vulnerability, but was it all too late? possibly.

aziraphale learns a lot from the minisode experiences, but i similarly think they regress him/hold him back massively. he learns that things are not always black and white, that who and what he thinks should be good is sometimes bad, and who and what he sees as bad is sometimes good. that's indisputable, it's a massive shift in his mentality and perception of morality. however (and i discussed this at length here - gets a bit philosophical so fair warning for pretentious crap) i think aziraphale still struggles with his fear and love for god, her ineffability, and the exactness of her power. that's the lesson, as concerns angels-heaven-god, that he still has yet to learn and challenge.

ultimately by this point i don't think aziraphale has any issue with differentiating with Good as an institution, and Good as a core, innate trait and belief. aziraphale still believes in good as a concept, and wants to embody it and bring it back fully to heaven as it was originally intended, but i think he's fully cognizant by s2 that angels and heaven are not wholly good in and of themselves.

rot has set in, and it has led to a heaven and angelic host that doesn't align with his beliefs about what Good should be. this to me is what he's saying to crowley; that heaven as a concept was always intended to be good and is good by her design (again, i don't think he's gotten to the final boss battle of fully, wholeheartedly questioning god yet) but the institution itself has become the problem, and that's what you and i could fix together. when aziraphale says "youre (hell, crowley) are the bad guys", i don't think that he means it in a discriminatory manner, marking crowley as lesser than; but that crowley is a demon - a fact - but also a Good Person, so why would he ever want to take their offer? and why therefore would he not take this offer of rejoining heaven?

im not however (despite having spent all this post defending aziraphale) dismissing at all how crowley interprets what aziraphale is saying. it is completely understandable how crowley reads this all, but i think that its easy to accept crowley's interpretation as fact because he is the party probably in the most pain. i totally get that, and his reaction is so valid because of it.

but my last point joins on from this exact thing; i don't think crowley knows aziraphale as well as he likes to think... or rather, he thinks he knows aziraphale but out of excitement for aziraphale being an imperfect angel, someone like him, he somewhat dismisses some of the key principles of aziraphale's character. the whole Good thing ive already waxed lyrical about - but i think he doesn't quite see aziraphale's own trauma for what it truly is.

arguably (and this will sound fairly reductive of him), crowley had mercy in the fall. he was cast out, and whilst that caused unimaginable agony and disconnect, he knew where he stood. aziraphale spent thousands of years being an outsider, looked down on and brushed off as inconsequential as a result of having the same trait as crowley - occupying the in-between. i could imagine that aziraphale therefore has consistently felt that whatever he does, he is not wholly Enough to be loved by heaven, by other angels, or even by god. so he turns to crowley who, regardless of it being borne out of love or friendship, has always seemed to accept him, taught him more on how to live in, and see, the grey, and never made him feel lesser than for being in the in-between; crowley lives there too.

(further read if interested: first section)

so when aziraphale shows to crowley why he wants to rebuild heaven, "I can make a difference", and crowley rejects that, from aziraphale's perspective thats a massive betrayal. he thought that if anyone would get this, if anyone knew him completely, it was crowley.

that aziraphale - standing in front of him and offering all of him - would be enough for crowley to set aside his pain, hatred, and resentment (that aziraphale still doesn't know or understand the full scope of, admittedly, and therefore why he's asking something practically impossible for crowley to do) and put aziraphale first... to want to be with him in whatever form that takes. this, rebuilding heaven, is another chapter in aziraphale's forever, and crowley stopped at the end of the last one and closed the book.

this to me is summed up (and sums up the whole misunderstanding that was the Domestic) in "i don't think you understand what im offering you". aziraphale is of course potentially talking about being restored and rebuilding heaven, and crowley is definitely on that wavelength in his response, but i think aziraphale is also (if not more) literally saying, "this is me, this is who I am, and i would give it all to you, you can have me but you have to accept all of me and why i need to do this".

crowley doesn't hear that (fair - god i wish these boys would just speak in plain words for once), and from aziraphale's perspective, crowley essentially says 'yeah i love you, but not that much. i love the you that would fit in with what i want, i don't love the things about you that doesnt'. which to me, explains this reaction below - aziraphale accepting that crowley maybe doesn't want him as much as he thought he did, or loved a version of him that doesn't exist:

then follows the temptation etc ive already mentioned ✨

thesherrinfordfacility​:

vaguelyxdownwards​:

thesherrinfordfacility​:

regardless of where one falls on the argument of whether aziraphale was or wasnt in the right in this scene, he has just in his own way been rejected; he wants to go to heaven to fulfil a higher, altruistic purpose, but was only ever intending to with crowley by his side. crowley in his own way has just rejected that, for understandable reasons, and could be interpreted as having told aziraphale that he wants him but only if aziraphale denies the part of him that doesn’t fit what crowley wants. (it’s all more nuanced than that, but as a summary).

that’s by the by, but we do know the crowley is able to tempt aziraphale - s2 with food, and s1 with adam/warlock - and aziraphale is at least on some level aware of it. so after they argue, and aziraphale looks away (bearing mind the “no nightingales” line which i take to mean as crowley saying “the damage is done, we’re over”, and last parting shot of “idiot”), crowley then strides over and kisses him.

it might not be right way to see it, but i did see it as its own brand of manipulation, temptation. crowley is evidently so overcome with his own emotion and desperation, and this is his last ditch attempt to get aziraphale to stay. and i think aziraphale realises it; he immediately reacts with ‘what are you doing’ frozen response.

then he succumbs to it, for a split second, because it is ultimately what he wants. succumbs to the temptation in a very unangelic way - awful when you consider what they’ve just argued about. but then aziraphale shakes himself out of it, and pushes crowley away, which says to me that he’s aware that crowley has just used his ultimate weapon; (inadvertently?) manipulated aziraphale’s own feelings for him and used them against him to try and get aziraphale to stay, in so doing he tried to tempt aziraphale into denying that part of who he is. even possibly intimating that crowley doesn’t want aziraphale unless he lets go of this part of who he is.

which is then where the I Forgive You comes in; personally, i read this as aziraphale benevolently forgiving crowley for what he just did, trying to manipulate him the same way everyone else does (ironic given metatron role in this), and also telling crowley in a language that only they understand that he knows what crowley just did, and that it hurt.

NEVER feel encumbered from sharing and interacting with me as long as it’s respectful (which it was)! 

Okay this nterpretation makes the most sense of all that I’ve received, to me at least. I have little to add because I appreciate the nuance and the recognition of both characters’ process of core belief, thought, and action. 

well you might soon regret that when i point out the following that ive noticed and will proceed to inflict maximum level damage; we know that michael sheen is the undisputed god of micro-expressions, right? well let’s cycle through the immediate aftermath of the Domestic once crowley has left:

that last one? thats just abject rage to me. imo he cycled through “oh my god he’s left, he’s actually left, we are never going to come back from this”, to “well that hurts like hell, he just tried to tempt me, he’s in the wrong, and he gets to storm out?”, to “he actually kissed me?”, to “and i liked it?”, to “i nearly succumbed to it, his temptation, he’s a bastard for trying it”, to lastly “im not good enough for him to stay, but i know i have more value than that.”

okay so yeah the above is very subjective but regardless those faces were a Choice. and whilst we know in the next bit of the scene that aziraphale wavers dramatically, he does, like, regain composure and almost again goes through the same inner monologue before he ultimately plasters on the smile again and follows the metatron out… and does it again just before he gets in the lift… and again in the lift. my silly angel is swinging on a pendulum between grovelling at crowley’s feet, and dedicating himself to proving crowley wrong. and given all of the above, i think it’s fair that he chose what he did!✨

I think this is a really solid observation, although I’d like to add a slight counter-consideration that centers on how SHAME motivates both of these characters.  

I give Aziraphale a BIT less of a pass for his choice, given the context of the Job and starving young bodysnatchers memories, and even more for the general fact that Crowley has been so vulnerable (for Crowley) lately with Aziraphale, and given him ample opportunity to know the deeper pain that comes from being cast out of the company of people you care about….for doing little more than asking God (or, more likely, God’s so-called representatives, the Metatron and Archangels) important questions.  Has he told him about this experience outright? No, but I just can’t believe someone as smart and emotionally intuitive as Aziraphale really doesn’t recognize that red button in Crowley at all. 

Aziraphale has to engage in cognitive dissonance to believe that keeping in line with the Heavenly Host is the moral high ground; we see Crowley repeatedly, patiently (if a little smugly), trying to get him to realize that this view is reductive and dangerous, but he can’t and won’t listen, to the extent that he has to minimize the importance of their relationship as it currently stands (“nothing lasts forever”).  And his point of view is understandable and what he wants to do is not that bad, until one acknowledges (as he cannot, in order to be “right”) that Crowley’s whole being pivots around eons of sorrow and rage at being rejected for existing: genuinely as himself. Crowley embraces being a demon in part to defy that shame. But the important point is that, to ask Crowley to become an angel again is tantamount to saying, “My love for you is henceforth conditional. You have to become like me for me to feel morally clean being publicly attached to you.”   To Crowley, then, the person Crowley loves most has effectively re-enacted the trauma of getting cast out of Heaven. 

 Did Aziraphale mean for Crowley to read it this way? No, not consciously at least, but it really, REALLY sucks. And Crowley knows how much Aziraphale wants to fit in with the “good guys,” so he reads more hurt into the whole idea or being reinstated as an angel than is intended. Ironically, it’s how well Crowley knows Aziraphale that escalates their fight.  Meanwhile, Aziraphale puts on blinders and doubles down because if Crowley would just give in and be an angel again, Aziraphale could bury his guilt over falling in love with the “enemy.” He could be both of the selves he wants to be: an exemplary angel, AND Crowley’s lover. 

This may be my OWN personal bias showing, as a university educator who has been dealing with a largely white and underprivileged social demographic, whom I must constantly try to usher in the direction of feeling compassion for queer and BIPOC people and the issues they face (I teach a course on how American media shapes our understanding of American identity, so we deal with a lot of sticky issues in the classroom).  Basically, we do a LOT of work on preconceptions and on assuming your version of events is the universally correct one. 

 I know Aziraphale isn’t a willfully ignorant person in the sense that a human bigot is (he’s far too caring and has too often proven himself willing to admit wrongdoing), but he’s headed that direction, as you say, in part to prove Crowley wrong, because if he can prove Crowley (who knows him best) wrong, that must mean he can assuage his own misplaced shame and guilt about being “tempted” in the past.  

I do, though, think that not only this scene, but their entire arc to date, boils down to the fact that they both love living in limbo between extremes, on earth, but what separates them isn’t really “angel” versus “demon,” it’s “seeks the approval of community” versus “would rather be authentic even if that means solitude.” It’s two very different ways of coping with shame at unbelonging.  And neither is actually superior; both are (irony!) very human impulses. 

And yes, yes, it hurts :’’’’) 

[thinkingisadangerouspastime]

a most holy sin

i watched Bohemian Rhapsody and cried at least 12 times so of course i was (loosely) inspired by it and had to write an ineffable husbands fanfic. i definitely listened to a Best of Queen playlist while i wrote it, too. i hope you enjoy and please forgive historical and medical inaccuracies because im sure there are some. also for some reason the line break isn't working?? i'm going to try to add it again later.

(I know Gabriel does not technically outrank Aziraphale but for the sake of plot he's gonna be in charge of Earthly affairs.)

WARNING: There is usage of homophobic slurs at a point in this story. If you are sensitive to such, either be wary as you read or simply do not read this fic. Don't worry, you won't hurt my feelings if you keep scrolling.

~*~

"I'd like to be temporarily stationed in America."

Gabriel looked up from his desk, every inch of it covered in paperwork. Glasses that Aziraphale knew very well the archangel did not need slid down his nose. Gabriel pushed them back up. "Why?"

Succinct. As per usual. Aziraphale pretended that he was not twisting his ring anxiously around his pinky as he spoke. "Well, I do read American papers every so often, and I've been keeping tabs on a certain, er, an epidemic, of sorts, that is happening over there."

Gabriel removed the silver frames from his nose, folding them and placing them on his desk. "Right. The AIDS epidemic."

"Yes," Aziraphale murmured. "Yes, quite. I assure you that I don't intend to miracle up a cure for the disease. It's best to let humans work through that on their own, I assume. I simply wish to - to ease the pain of those in the final stages."

Gabriel was silent. Aziraphale began to wonder if he was pushing his luck with this request. He'd nearly been discovered with Crowley only two decades or so ago, not to mention his boss was not known for being the friendliest or the most sympathetic of angels -

"Yes."

Aziraphale blinked. "I beg your pardon?"

"I said yes, you may go." Gabriel sighed, scrawling his signature on a document in glittering gold ink before shoving the paper away. "I have also been keeping up with information on the epidemic. Those victims could certainly use some angelic kindness right now, what with so many being rejected by their families even as they're on their deathbeds. Beelzebub undoubtedly has a special place in Hell for those sorts of nasty people, I'm sure."

"And we have a special place in Heaven for the victims?"

"Precisely." Gabriel returned his attention to the stack of papers in front of him. "You're dismissed, Aziraphale. Don't stay too long."

"Of course," Aziraphale breathed, nodding. He was almost unable to believe everything had worked out so well. "Thank you, Gabriel." Not wanting to overstay his visit and risk having the decision reversed, Aziraphale promptly left. He considered taking the back exit out, but it wasn't as if he was in a rush. He still had to pack, after all.

It was quite a shame he couldn't simply miracle himself to America. Airplanes were... Less than enjoyable, in Aziraphale's opinion. But miracles had to be preserved.

He didn't want to think about how many he might have to perform in the very near future.

~*~

America, circa 1990

Aziraphale had ditched his usual tartan suit for new tartan scrubs. He was posing as a nurse, working in a ward delegated specifically to victims of AIDS in the final stages. As much as it pained him, he refrained from miracling them back into health. God probably would not take too kindly to that, what with the circle of life and all, even considering Her infinite generosity. Instead, Aziraphale eased their pain as they passed to Heaven. If nothing else, they deserved to know that good things awaited them on the other side.

"Room 636, Nurse Fell," a woman called to Aziraphale as he walked down the hall. Her voice had the rounded edge of a faint Southern drawl. "He's got family with him right now, but they'll be out soon."

"Right. Thank you." He nodded at her as she passed. Aziraphale had memorized the layout of the hospital before he'd started "working" there - it helped him maximize his time with the patients. Not to mention he had to be back in Soho before the end of the year.

"This is your own fault, you know."

Aziraphale froze.

"You're the who grew up and decided to be a fucking fag, goddamnit!"

He recognized that tone. It was one he heard all too often in the AIDS ward.

"And now that choice is killing you. Just like it killed your little queer boyfriend."

Aziraphale resisted the urge to swear. Of course the voice was coming from room 636.

"Hope you're happy with yourself. Hope you're proud."

The man's words were laced with more venom than the world's deadliest snake could provide. Aziraphale reached for the door handle, only to find that it had been locked. Very much against hospital regulations, but also rather common in these situations.

"This is the devil's consequence. You know why they're calling it the 'gay plague'? Because only fags are getting it." The man sighed, an intensified frustration bleeding into his tone. "You just had to be a queer, didn't you? You had to be the family disappointment." His voice dropped, and he growled the lethal blow. "I can't believe I ever called you my son."

Aziraphale didn't care if Heaven reprimanded him. He snapped his fingers, unlocking the door and entering the room without a moment's hesitation. He straightened his back and stared down the father. "Sir, I am going to have to ask that you leave here immediately."

The man's lip curled in disgust. "A queer nurse? I should have known."

Aziraphale ignored the comment, standing his ground. "I must insist that you leave, or else I'll be forced to call security."

For a moment, Aziraphale was afraid the man wouldn't go. But after a long pause, he left in a furious silence.

Aziraphale rushed over to the patient's bed. He was young, in his late teens or early twenties. Still a boy, really. And that only made it all the more heartbreaking.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that." Aziraphale checked the IV in the boy's arm, making sure it remained connected. "You don't deserve to be treated like something is wrong with you."

"Maybe there is something wrong with me."

Sweat beaded the boy's forehead, and Aziraphale's heart ached a little more when he saw tearstains on his cheeks.

"Am I really going to Hell, nurse?" the boy whispered. "Was falling in love really a sin?" He closed his eyes, biting his lip in a clear attempt to keep himself from sobbing. "I loved him. I loved him so much. All I did was fall in love."

"My dear boy." Aziraphale pulled up a chair next to the hospital bed before sitting down. "Of course you aren't going to Hell. Believe me, falling in love is no sin."

"That's not what my father thinks." His voice was bitter. Much too bitter for someone who likely had just started university.

"Well, fathers don't know everything," Aziraphale replied. "Trust me, dear boy. There is nothing you have to fear in death."

The boy wiped tears from his eyes. "Yeah? How would you know?"

Aziraphale snapped his fingers. The Almighty really was not going to be pleased with him. So many miracles only a few minutes apart was sure to get him reprimanded. Or maybe it wouldn't. He never could tell what exactly She would approve or disapprove of.

The boy's eyes widened as he took in the sudden change of his surroundings. He tried to sit up, but Aziraphale stopped him.

"Careful, now. I'm simply giving you a peek into what awaits you."

The boy shook his head in disbelief. "Is this - is this Heaven?"

"Indeed." A part of it, at least. A lovely little spot of paradise that was reminiscent of Eden. Many enjoyed it when they first ascended to Heaven. A place to get acclimated.

The boy stared at Aziraphale. "You're an angel."

Aziraphale's wings fluttered, as if responding to the query. "Yes, I am. I requested to be stationed in America to help ease the pain of those suffering from AIDS. People in the... Final stages of the disease."

The boy nodded. A faint smile appeared on his lips. "That means I'm dying, then."

Young people truly were getting more perceptive. "I'm afraid so, my dear." Aziraphale snapped his fingers, and the vision of Heaven dissipated. Regretfully, his wings went, too.

The boy sighed, leaning back more deeply into the hospital bed's pillow. "Would you believe me if I told you that I'm going to miss my father?"

Aziraphale didn't respond. He knew an answer wasn't expected.

"I'm going to miss him. Even if -" The boy's voice cracked. "Even if he hates me, he was the only family I had. I forgive him, and - and I want God to forgive him, too."

"She will," Aziraphale murmured, his voice so low only he could hear it. "She always does."

The boy's heart rate was dropping. Aziraphale resisted every instinct in his body to save him. He could not interfere. It was not his responsibility to influence Earthly life and death.

"At least I'll get to see Miles again," the boy breathed. Tears were trickling down his face. "It's been a long year without him."

He closed his eyes.

The machine flatlined.

Aziraphale could sense the boy's spirit leaving his body. He returned the chair to the side of the room, then slid the curtain shut around the bed.

"I'm sorry, angel."

Aziraphale didn't know when he'd started crying. "I can't imagine even your lot could be responsible for this, Crowley."

There was a pause. "AIDS itself is one of the final gifts of Pestilence unto Earth, despite that they retired eons ago." Footsteps echoed in the quiet room, moving closer to Aziraphale. "But only humans could be so cruel to one another."

"I know," Aziraphale whispered. "And I think that's the worst part of all." He didn't even blink as Crowley stepped in front of him, brushing away his tears with his thumb.

"There's nothing you can do, angel," Crowley murmured. "You know that."

Aziraphale did know that. He hated it, but he knew it all too well. "I just - I just don't understand. All they do is fall in love, Crowley! What could have wrong in human history where they started to believe that love was sinful?"

Aziraphale expected a witty comment in response. A dry quip about Catholics, or the Shaker community. He certainly had not prepared himself for a serious answer.

"When did Heaven and Hell start believing it?"

Crowley's sunglasses slid down his nose. He took them off, tucking them into his jacket. They stared at each other, eye to eye.

"I've been - I've been wondering that myself," Aziraphale stammered. His voice was hushed. "But it's not my place to question it."

Crowley shrugged. "The Almighty has been more forgiving as of late. Since it's you, She just might allow it."

"I - I couldn't possibly."

"I know, angel." He sighed. "I know."

Neither spoke after that. But neither made a move to walk away.

Aziraphale knew he had to leave. He had to report the death of the young man so the room could be available for other patients. But he couldn't bring himself to step away from Crowley.

The stood only inches apart. Aziraphale wasn't certain whether he'd reached for Crowley's hand or if the demon had grabbed his, but their fingers were intertwined and Aziraphale knew damn well he didn't want to let go.

"How did you find me?" he finally asked. "I don't recall telling you I was leaving Soho. Or where I was going." In fact, they hadn't spoken since 1967. The night in the Bentley.

Crowley shrugged. In a rare moment of tenderness, his thumb gently brushed over Aziraphale's knuckles. "The city feels different when you're not there."

"O-Oh. I see." Aziraphale found his gaze drifting down from Crowley's eyes to his lips. He didn't fail to notice that Crowley had lessened the distance between them even further.

"Is love a sin, angel?" Crowley whispered. His free hand moved to cup Aziraphale's cheek. "Because if so, it must be the holiest sin there is."

Aziraphale would have laughed had the tension between them not been almost suffocating. "Well, my dear, I really don't think there's such thing as a 'holy' sin -"

He was cut off as Crowley captured his mouth with his. Aziraphale found himself melting into the kiss, pulling the demon towards him. Crowley wrapped his arms around Aziraphale's waist, and Aziraphale placed his arms around Crowley's neck.

He shouldn't be doing this. He didn't know why he shouldn't be, because every atom in his body was telling him that this was right, that this was love, that Crowley was all he needed -

But he couldn't.

Aziraphale pulled away, certain that regret was written all over his face. He couldn't bring himself to look Crowley in the eyes. "I'm sorry. You deserve - you deserve better than me."

Crowley laughed. It was harsh. Bitter. "I'm a demon, angel. I don't 'deserve' anything. It's part of the job description. In the fine print. Non-negotiable. You know that." He yanked his sunglasses out of his pocket and shoved them onto his face.

"No." Aziraphale's voice refused to move above a whisper. "You deserve everything, my dear. Anything you want. The whole world."

"I don't want the whole damn world. I only want you."

Aziraphale forced himself to look at Crowley. The demon's expression was unreadable behind the black lenses. "I can't, Crowley. Not now. Not yet."

Crowley raised an eyebrow. "'Yet'?"

Aziraphale nodded. "One day, I'll - I'll be ready. To go faster. As fast as you. I swear it. Just - Just not today." And he meant it. More than anything he'd ever said. "Will you... Wait for me?"

A small smile appeared on Crowley's lips. It was a rare sight, but one of Aziraphale's favorites.

"For you, angel? Always."

Aziraphale blinked, and the demon was gone. He didn't know when they'd see each other again. He didn't know what the future would hold for them, either. But when Crowley had left, he'd taken all of Aziraphale's tears with him. As he so often did.

Perhaps his demon had a point.

If love was a sin, it truly was a holy one.

Maybe even one worth Falling for.

~*~

im a mess, y'all. i love these two more than i love myself. i hope you enjoyed! feel free to send me prompt requests for them or for ineffable bureaucracy because both are such good pairings.

[ri-writing]

dust and devils on my conscience

Characters: Crowley, Aziraphale, Crowley's plants

Notes: Inspired by this post on tumblr - https://wanderlust-and-rainbows.tumblr.com/post/185692777646/im-very-soft-about-the-idea-of-aziraphale-giving - Title courtesy of Delta Rae.  Not beta'd.  I just keyboard smashed to get this out of my system.

~*~

Crowley had a problem.  This was not new.  Crowley often had problems.  If he was being honest, he’d have to admit that they were usually caused by something he did.  As Crowley was not particularly honest, he liked to think of them as bad luck.

This particular problem was awful luck.  Someone (someone being Crowley) had accidentally mentioned to Aziraphale (or, perhaps, tried to impress Aziraphale by telling him) that Crowley kept plants.  In all fairness, they were rather nice plants – Crowley had put enough fear into them to make sure of it.  Anyone would want to see them.  

This situation wasn't his fault.  Not really.  Aziraphale was talking about Creation, and about how much he liked it and how beautiful it was, and...the fact of the plants just slipped out.  Pictures of the plants in question might also have been involved.  

Crowley had meant, at the time, to explain to Aziraphale that they weren't Good plants.  Sometimes, they got spots on their leaves.  And he meant to explain that he made sure to be Evil to them.  No good deeds going on here.  None.  At all.  He was a demon, after all. Except....Aziraphale was just so happy that he kept plants that sharing the rest of it just seemed.... well, it wasn't something he wanted to do.  So he didn't do it.

Arizaphale learning that Crowley had plants, however, was not the part that was bad luck.  Simple knowledge of someone else's hobbies wasn't problematic.  It wasn't like knowledge of good and evil or anything like that.  No one could use the fact that Crowley liked plants against him.  He could prove his plants were part of Evil so Hell wouldn't be upset with him, and no one else really had reason to care.  No, the problem would be the part where Arizaphale remembered that Crowley liked plants.

And then gave him one.

“I have something for you,” Aziraphale had said only a few hours earlier.  He was almost brimming with excitement in that, that, that way of his - that way that made Crowley want to be excited just because Aizraphale was excited.  Demons were not supposed to be happy and excited, unless, of course, they were doing Evil.  Crowley especially should not be happy at hearing that Aziraphale was going to give him something.  Crowley was a demon.  Aziraphale was an angel.  There should be no gift exchanges between them.  

It was just...just...Aziraphale's happiness was contagious.  It wasn't Crowley's fault that he found himself eagerly awaiting what the something was.  No one had ever gotten Crowley a present before. (Well, Aziraphale got him Holy Water once, but that wasn't a present. It was the result of Crowley wearing Aziraphale down over a hundred years until he finally got what he wanted.  It didn’t count).  This was something Crowley hadn't asked for, hadn't mentioned wanting or anything like that.  Aziraphale just got it for him because he wanted to and he thought Crowley would like it.

As he'd made his announcement, Aziraphale had moved to a shelf and picked something up.  Crowley barely managed to think Oh, sweet forces of evil, not a book please not a book when Aziraphale turned around and presented him with a plant.

It was a sickly little plant.  Its leaves were droopy, and there was at least one spot.  If Crowley had gotten it any other way, his first thought would that it would need a lot of fear put into it for it to be acceptable.  

Had he been thinking rationally after being set on keeping it (of course he was going to keep it; Aziraphale gave it to him), terrorizing it was the first thing he should have done.  He should have taken it right home, introduced it to how Things Were Going To Be by giving it a particularly rough talking to, and then let it near the other plants so that they could explain why it should be afraid of him.  

Except....Aziraphale was happy about giving him the plant.  He looked utterly pleased with himself for remembering what Crowley liked and giving Crowley a thoughtful present.  Every time Crowley looked at the plant, Crowley thought of that and then Crowley couldn't think a single scary thought with regard to the plant.  Whatever insult he could muster would disappear.  It was as if his brain knew that Aziraphale would not approve of being mean to plants, no matter how much better plants were when they were scared.

Shit.

Shit. Shit.  Shit.

Somehow, he'd managed not to let Aziraphale see the problem.  He'd managed to play it off like a pro.  It was a rather masterful piece of acting if you asked Crowley.

But now, he was standing outside his flat, with the plant in one hand, trying to figure out what to do.  It was, most definitely, a problem. Had any of his other plants looked like this one, they would have been Dealt With.  Crowley did not suffer plants that drooped or had spots.  He shouldn't make exceptions.  Exceptions could set a precedent and, the next thing anyone knew, all plants would think they could look pathetic.  He could not have that.  He'd have to just...get on with it.  With his free hand, he pointed at the plant. He opened his mouth to make sure it knew it was a disappointment.

It wasn't a disappointment, though.  It was from Aziraphale.

Crowley studied it.  Okay – it wasn't a particularly terrible plant.  It was little, but it had potential.  He couldn't hold it against the plant that Aziraphale had apparently thought plants liked to live on book shelves where there was no sun.  The angel also did not, last Crowley had checked, own a proper plant mister.  What could he really expect from a plant in those circumstances?  Aziraphale probably didn't even know you were supposed to talk to plants.  Even if he did, Aziraphale wouldn't have yelled at it.  Even when Aziraphale was frustrated with Crowley, he didn't yell, he didn't threaten Crowley’s life, and he didn't pretend to kill Crowley's friends in the next room while Crowley listened.  (That the fatal flaw of this last argument - that Crowley's list of friends was Aziraphale and Aziraphale - was a minor detail Crowley decided to ignore).  Aziraphale and the plant had both done their best under the circumstances.  He dropped the accusing finger and slumped forward to rest his head against the door.

Realistically, what were his options?  He could try to treat it like his other plants, but he'd already proven to himself that he wouldn't.  He couldn't do that - not to Aziraphale's plant.  He could try to find another home for it, find someone to adopt it.  It only took seconds to accept that idea was also out.  No one else would appreciate it properly.  They wouldn't understand it was from Aziraphale.

Crowley pushed himself away from the door and looked down at the plant. Well, then.  There was only one thing to do.  Making sure the plant was shielded from view, he let himself into his flat and took the plant to the window furthest away from the others.  The sunlight was nice and plentiful here.  Better yet, the rest of the plants could not see or hear him in this room.  Crowley set the plant on the windowsill and patted it gently.  “You wait right here,” he told it.  “I'll get the mister and give you a nice drink.  We'll have you looking beautiful in no time.”

The plant gave a little shake that resembled a happy stretch of its leaves, and settled into its new home.  

“That's good.  I hope you like it here.”  Crowley paused long enough to snag the mister from the hall and return.  “The flat has good light.  The air is clean.  It's warm in here.  It's very nice for plants.”  He spritzed at the plant.  “And you'll have all the mist you want.  We can be friends, you and me.”  He paused again, this time to drop to eye level with the plant.  “Look,” he lowered his voice even further, just in case, “We can make this work, just...if you meet the other plants, don't tell them I'm nice to you, okay?”

The plant gave a happy stretch again.  Crowley took that as an affirmation that they had an arrangement.

[sarinataylor]

Idk if u still taking hcs right now but could you possibly elaborate on that good omens joger au you mentioned a while back? Im curious and excited to hear more

i am always taking hcs (this is a shout out to the anon who sent me an angsty roger prompt like two months ago: ilu and i am so sorry. i have ideas! something will appear eventually! i just gotta get this chapter of my…. actual fic out. i promise i havent forgotten u bb)

ok! so i had to like. scroll waaaaaay back to find what i’d said lmao but there’s basically two ways this goes right? book!au or show!au

show!au

roger is crowley and john is aziraphale

roger, who didn’t mean to fall! he just asked questions! that’s all!!! but then, that’s all it took back in the day…. and who most definitely has a vintage bentley that hasn’t aged a day (despite blowing up, like clockwork, at the 6th hour of the 6th day of the 6th month, every sodding year), who swans about in sunglasses no matter the day or time

and john who’s always been a little bit of a bastard, when it comes to it, but who likes his home comforts and really, really just doesn’t want to get involved if he can help it (but oh, he doesn’t mind being tempted)

roger has never been able to decide whether or not he regrets falling, really. sometimes he rages against himself, against God, against the unfairness of it all. he rages at the stacked deck, and at his own stupidity in questioning Their Mother. but sometimes the darkness feels like a freedom that was worth sacrificing his grace in payment to. sometimes, when he’s faking reports back to hell (who haven’t bothered him in several hundred years other than to send him commendations for the terror humans inflict upon one another) so that john isn’t spirited away back to the gilded (prison) gates of heaven…. sometimes it feels like freedom, and he wants to laugh in God’s face for, yes, he missed the embrace of Home sometimes, the celestial harmonies of his brothers and sisters which had their match in the damned screams below; sometimes he missed the feel of his grace warming the gap in his chest where a human would have a heart, but if he had that he wouldn’t have this. he wouldn’t have the delights of the humans who had the burden, the joy, of choice in thanks to him. he wouldn’t have the warmth of john’s grace that had once rubbed him raw as they stood upon the ruins of eden, but now set him alight in all the best ways that no poet could ever hope to describe. 

(it is the year 4703 AD, the humans are growing and learning and improving at every turn, as they do. “you once said you didn’t mean to fall,” john says thoughtfully, watching him pensively over the rim of his cup of tea. the ritz still stands, as it always will if roger has anything to say about it. it says something important, he thinks, that a miracle is a miracle whether the entity performing it is of heaven or of hell. “and?” roger replies, picking at the slice of cake john had ordered for him. an indulgent smile had lurked about the corners of his mouth as he had done so, as it often did when he looked at roger. it was chocolate and strawberry, but it tasted of apples. everything tasted of apples to roger, and everything always would.“i was thinking,” john said, blowing across the surface of his cup as if it would ever be anything but the perfect temperature when he sat across from roger. if roger had the ability, nothing would ever be anything less than perfect for john. but then, that kind of thinking had the trappings of heaven around it. no, a little imperfection was much better. “that it must have been ineffable.”“oh, sa-, go-, someone have mercy,” roger huffed, shoving his plate away from him with a clatter. around him the servers paused in their movements. a clatter was not meant to sound in the ritz, a place reserved only for the small tinkle of champagne glasses clinking in a toast or teaspoons on saucers. “not this shit again.”“it must have been!” john insisted, and chucked his teaspoon across the table at him. “i still think about it, you know. the apocalypse that wasn’t.”roger still thought of it too. he was waiting for the next one. sometimes he thought john was, also. but sometimes he thought that john was wishing for the best instead. “and i was thinking that the Almighty…. well, she knows all, yes?”“that is sort of her whole thing, yes, John.”“well then! she knew you had to fall! to be on the other side, to be a spy in the ranks, so to speak.”“i’m a demon, john,” roger said, reaching for calm. it was hard, so hard, to hear john, after all these years together, still trying to justify their relat– friendship. to wave away his occultism as if it were merely a guise for some hidden angelicism that lay below the surface. roger was a demon, this he knew. he may not know whether he was happy about this state of affairs, a much as he were capable of such an emotion nowadays anyway, but he knew what he was. “yes, but–”“there’s no but, john,” roger snapped, and around them the servers, the patrons, all the annoying, bumbling humans stood and left at his wish. john, looking around them, sighed and gave him a disappointed look. roger fought the urge to bring them all back. “fuck all of that shit about not meaning to fall. fuck that. i knew what i was doing when i did it. i chose to fall because i wanted to know the answers to my questions and She wasn’t giving them. i was willing to fall for the answers to my questions, and i did. i wont give Her the credit for my choices when she’s done fuck all, all these years.”he had been expecting shock, maybe. perhaps hurt, at the harshness of his vitriol towards their Mother. john smiled at him, instead.“very good,” he murmured, taking a sip of his tea. “another coffee, old friend?”)

and john???? john feels so very guilty all of the time. how can he not? roger, his oldest and dearest friend, is so tormented by Questions. questions which he fell to have answered and yet have merely multiplied as his change of circumstances have allowed him, in some degree, the burden and joy of choice. roger fell to have his questions answered, and john steals the answers he desires and is allowed, by the grace of Mother, to remain part of the heavenly host. where is the fairness of that? 

(john owns a bookshop. he owns a bookshop and he hoards the answers of every question he’s ever thought to ask in its four walls. he hoards the answers of every question he’s ever thought to ask and they sit on his tongue, heavy and waiting to be spilled into roger’s waiting mouth if only he would ever ask but he never does. roger never asks, and john never tells. roger never asks for to asks would be to tempt too far, and john never tells for to tell would be to admit to knowing that which he should not, that which he has not suffered to know)

  sometimes john thinks of falling. he thinks of falling and he thinks of being caught and he hates himself for his cowardice

(roger would rip hell asunder before he allowed them to sully his angel)

[the-stage-manager]

The only thing I disagree with is the idea that Crowley's choice was "selfish". Specifically, I hate the word selfish because I feel like it implies a sort of judgment. We have, ingrained in us, this idea that it is wrong to be selfish, that altruism is the ultimate good.

Crowley's choice is not selfish. It was an extremely rational choice, as was Aziraphale's. I don't think they were miscommunicating in that scene, as much as people thought they were. Crowley would not be well received in heaven. He would not do well in that environment. The isolation, the lack of stimulation, the rules, the bureaucracy. Not only that, but he still carries some pretty deep scars from when he was cast out. The only thing Crowley would have in heaven would be Aziraphale. No car, no wine, no plants, no mischief, no fun. Just Aziraphale. That is not a healthy sacrifice to make—to abandon everything, hobbies, comforts, everything—for another person. He cannot go.

It's easy to judge a character when we know something that they don't. We know that heaven is toxic. We know that. Aziraphale doesn't. Why doesn't he just open his eyes? How could he be so cruel to ask Crowley to return to an abusive environment?

I think, unless you've been through it, it's really hard to understand just how difficult it can be to escape an abusive environment, when your abuser is somebody that you love. Austin, you find yourself in a constant state of fight or flight, without even realizing it. You've lived in that feeling for so long, you don't consciously notice when your heart starts to race, and your breath gets a little shallower. You've learned to ignore the uncomfortable feeling in your body. You grit your teeth and bear it. Neurologically, people in fight or flight, or other extreme distress, you become unable to make rational, logical choices, because blood is diverted away from the prefrontal cortex, where the thinking happens, and flows into the limbic system, the fight-or-flight parts of the brain. I really want to emphasize that this is not something you have control over.

My point is, Aziraphale physically does not have the capacity to see how toxic heaven is. The attachment is formed with heaven is deep and instinctual, and it goes back to the beginning of his life—they were his guardians, his protectors, his family, his home.

He's terrified of disappointing heaven. Terrified. He spent the last 3 years away from heaven, able to separate himself and establish a new identity. But during the separation, I imagine he starts considering the idea that heaven might really be as toxic as Crowley says, but he doesn't internalize it. So when Gabriel shows up, all of those old fears come rushing back with intensity. He reverts to Old patterns of thinking—emotional patterns. Being around his abusers turns on that fight or flight instinct.

Sorry, I'm buttering all of this up, and really trying to explain it, I just really want to emphasize that Im not trying to cast judgment on Aziraphale. He is not a bad person. It's easy for us to point and say that he made the Bad Choice and he is Wrong. But the reality is so much more nuanced than that. It was a bad choice, yes, because it will likely lead to suffering, rather than happiness. But it isn't necessarily wrong.

Again of the day I think I'm just trying to say that neither of their choices were wrong or bad and all of this is just a TV show, so there's nothing wrong with looking at it from a black and white perspective. But also I just think it's fun and interesting to see and speculate about why people think and behave the way that they do.

Say it with me now,

Crowley is the one who left, not Aziraphale.

Aziraphale wanted Crowley to go with him, not because he wanted to return to Heaven, not because he’s traumatized and being gaslit into going back to his abusers, and not because he’s naive. He wanted to go back BECAUSE he knows exactly how toxic Heaven is and if he ran away with Crowley instead of trying to dismantle that hierarchal structure of abuse, he would be a bystander. He would be choosing his own comfort above everyone else’s in the world and he WOULD NOT BE THE PERSON WHO CROWLEY FELL IN LOVE WITH!!!

What Aziraphale is doing does not make him a fool. It doesn’t make him a bad person and it DEFINITELY doesn’t give s3-era Crowley any right to reject/be furious with him given that Aziraphale asked, even BEGGED Crowley to go with him. Together. so they could help make sure no one else has to go through the trauma they both did. Crowley’s choice, while understandable, was the selfish one. Aziraphale was the one brave enough to risk his safety and eternal happiness because he knew it was the right thing to do. And he wasn’t the one to walk away from their relationship— Crowley was. So before we start hating on Aziraphale maybe we should reconsider what made us (and Crowley!) fall in love with him in the first place.