#im really happy with how this came out for just being ink sketching

[enbeebeedrawing]

Late night personal comic.

[ID: A hand drawn comic in black ink with grey shadows on white paper.

Panel 1: caption "There's so much I feel I could EXPLORE, Stories I could CREATE. If I could open this cage." to the left of the caption is a chubby person looking at a closed cage floating above their outstretched hand.

Panel 2: the image of a key to the left with a caption to the right "I'm sure there's a Key to unlocking the cage."

Panel 3: Torso of the person with their hands open to their sides with their pockets turned inside out, empty. Caption underneath, "But I don't have it"

Panel 4/5: image of the person reaching their hand, searching a shelf with a "?" under their hand. Caption it the side: "I will look for how open the cage." The person looking under a bed with a "?" where they're looking. Caption under, "I will search, and maybe..."

Panel 6: image of the cage open, swirls and sparkles flowing from it, some yellow in colour. Caption to left of cage, "ONE DAY" caption continued on the right "IT WILL BE OPENED."

End image description]

[miumiins]

Thank you everyday for your art!! Your lineart work is absolutely gorgeous, and especially on calligraphy pens?? 😭 It's amazing!!

I used to do calligraphy, but I 'm now trying to practice a calligraphy pen with lineart, and I'm hoping to get lines as clean as yours. What type of nibs do you use? Do you switch them for different line thicknesses? Any tips you can offer? 🥹

I hope you have a great day 🌟

omg thank you so much!! as much of a struggle it can be, i do enjoy doing lineart a lot when i draw (mainly digitally but i’ve been having fun with these lil traditional drawings too) so it makes me happy to hear you say that 🥹

also im still super new to drawing w the gpen/calligraphy pen as i’ve only just gotten one for the first time about a month ago so i’m still slowly experimenting with them (and i’m also partially winging it to be really honest) but this is the pen/nibs i got! It came with a set of five different nibs, two each. Since this is my first time getting and using this kind of pen, i don’t really have anything to compare it to in terms of quality and such but it’s doing what i expected it to do for the most part LOL (also the bottle of ink that i got if anyone was interested)

(the rest is under the cut since it's kinda long haha)

My first initial drawings were drawn with the 004 nib from the set, whereas my more recent drawings were drawn with the 003 nib. (For filling in the solid black areas, i just used a micron brush pen)

For the most part, i pretty much used the same nib throughout the entire drawing for each one. Part of it is just me being lazy about changing it, but also, because these are postcard sized (about 6” x 4” / 148mm x 100mm) and not very big drawings in the first place, i didn’t really feel the need to switch nibs too much. If i was working on a larger canvas/paper, i might switch between nibs more often for more variety in line thickness, and if anything, i definitely would use one of the smaller nibs (like 001) for finer details

(also here's the paper i got that i drew all of these on. keep in mind that i ordered it off amazon jp but it was a set of five packs so now i have plenty to practice on LOL)

As far as tips for clean linework, a lot of this is stuff i do for digital art but i’ve been more or less applying the same logic to the stuff i’ve drawn traditionally recently (some of these might be really fundamental/obvious and you might know this already but it is kind of what helps me a bit):

▷Having a clear sketch of what you want to draw and where you want to place your lines is really helpful, both for digital and traditional art, but probably especially so for traditional art.

As someone who honestly avoided doing traditional drawings for so long, my biggest struggle was honestly getting a clean rough sketch down on paper and getting past the sketch stage to do anything more with the drawing. Part of it is, again, laziness on my part, as it’s a lot easier for me to do sketches and clean them up digitally since i heavily rely on undo as well as the lasso and transform tools to fix proportions and whatnot (plus, not being able to undo once you start inking also held me back, because i know that my hands aren’t the steadiest and will occasionally move unexpectedly when inking sdlkfg). That said, using my ipad as a light table and tracing my digital sketches onto paper is what got me past that hurdle so that i could experiment with more traditional art (though i know i should eventually work on just starting from scratch on paper too haha).

But having a clean sketch gives you a clear guide of where and how you want your lines to be, rather than just having a vague idea of how you want it to look and having to think on the spot about the placement of your lines at the same time as inking your drawing.

▷This is something i saw someone else point out in their tutorial once and i never really took notice of it until i saw it, but as you line over your sketch, keeping your line of sight on the path slightly ahead of where your pen is currently at kind of gives your brain a heads up of where your pen needs to go and your hand will naturally follow. It’s probably something that the more you draw, the more it comes to you subconsciously, like i kind of do this but i’m not super conscious of it, so you probably don’t need to get too hung up about keeping this in mind.

▷this is moreso a tip on line thickness rather than clean linework, but even without changing the nib or brush size, i like to manually vary the line thickness in various areas! This can be achieved by applying more or less pen pressure, and even if you can’t do it in one stroke, you can draw the initial line and go over the areas you want to thicken.

▷rotate your paper or canvas as necessary! When i draw digitally, i rotate my canvas a lot, as well as heavily rely on the flip canvas function. Obviously you can’t flip your canvas and continue to do lineart with traditional art, but rotating your paper can help with how you draw your lines. Sometimes it’s hard/uncomfortable for me to draw lines that go inward towards my drawing hand, so rotating the canvas so that the line flows outward makes it a little easier and more comfortable for me to draw.

▷draw with quick(ish) strokes! The slower your hand moves when you draw each stroke, the more wobbly your lines might become. Of course, if you draw each stroke too quickly, your lines will end up in a direction that doesn’t follow your initial sketch. This comes with time, and the more you draw, the more confidence you’ll gain in your lines once you have a grasp of how you draw them and you can adjust accordingly.

▷if watching natsume-sanchi’s videos has taught me anything, when you ink your traditional drawings, always start from the top-left (or top-right if you’re left handed) and work your way down and right so you don’t risk accidentally smudging the ink with your hand before it dries (i still somehow end up smudging the ink one way or another though LOL)

I’m not the best at putting how i do things into words since a lot of it is just based on feeling/in the moment but i hope any of this is helpful!

[seawing-vibes]

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYPONY ! ! Here’s some art summary thangs <3 ! Template is by Mintcokev on DeviantArt !! I did one of full pieces and one of Sillay Doodles

Explanations of every piece & stuff is below read the readmore ! + links to the full work if its posed online !

First Template:

January -> This Sora Piece ! I am honestly still super proud of how it turned out , it was fun to work on and looking at it still gives me that nice vibe I was in while drawing it

February -> This headshot of my OC Elk! I developed and expanded on her story this year and did some headshots for their TH, still super proud of how the shading came out here ,,

March -> lmao nothin , not sure what happened in March but I dont have anything there aside from sillay Doodles

April -> This design of Blaze! One of my fav designs I’ve done recently .. shes just so sillay To Me

May -> This piece of my friend and I’s cat ocs ! Stickpaw & Frostclaw, two silly fellas <3 something possessed me here I’ve never drawn a kibby this well since and Im still super proud of this

June -> This reference of my oc Dee!!!! ITS DEE ! ! EVERYONE SAY HI TO DEE <3 ! ! ! ! ! I was so happy to finally give her a proper ref , shes one of my favorite ocs of all time and this came out so well , it looks so much like her!!!!

July -> This artfight attack! This piece was honestly just a blast to work on, the background and frame design and expression were all fun to illustrate

August -> These refs of my lomp ocs! Lomps are fictional guys made by my good friend and August was just the Month for them. These guys are (bottom to top) Fizz, Roe, and Skipper! They’re . Normal <3

September -> This piece of my fursona Kenny ! ! Just a fun piece to work on again, the colors came together way better than I thought they would

October -> This piece of my oc Houndcall! They’re feeling normal about their leader being possessed! This was like a weird experimental painted piece and ou .. I really loved working on it I wanna do more things with that method

November -> Not posed online! Surprisingly, this is a wip of a self-portrait I’m doing for class! Fathead Minnows and Rainbow Trout !! This canvas is massive (taller than me ,, which aint much but still!!) and I’ve been cracking at it for a while but hammered out the details of the trout in November so! It’s acrylic but I really wish I could’ve done oil instead .. acrylic dont blend well

December -> The final fella ! My idiot son ! Also not posed online , this is a linocut printed on hand-made paper! Fun fact, I make my own paper and my own Lino cuts as my main medium, I just cant afford the proper transfer ink, but I got some from school to use so ! My idiot dragon linocut son was born ! I hate him because he wont print proper but this piece ended up working out. Its lino-ink on handmade paper with red micron pen over it

Second Template:

January -> DNA Helicase

February -> Valentine’s Day Gift <3 !

March -> Not (publicly) posted online doodle of my epic oc Anton Bayheart giving his grandson a thumbs up :)

April -> Not (publicly) posted doodles of my ocs Sebastian (left) and Dee (right) (you saw her ref earlier <33) having a normal convo !

May -> A shot from This video of my friends ocs … the one depicted is Quickpaw <3

June -> Not posted doodle of Breezewhipser giving Rippletooth some good advice (it was not good advice) (ripple just learns hes aro)

July -> Not (publicly) posed doodle of my Oc’s Garret (BALD) and Benny (TIRED) . Also just two normal guys (they’re divorced) (and obsessed with eachother)

August -> This doodle of my ocs Savi & Skipper (Skip’s ref is in August first template <3) . Music taste

September -> a small part of this cat sketch page ! Beetlekit getting bullied by his cousins

October -> This doodle of Skipper . I appreciate him

November -> I dont know where this came from actually. Its my friends oc’s Redstone and Bumblebuzz staring kitty-like at my oc Specklestep (she is married to Red and Bumble is their daughter)

December -> Doodle of Tide from this whiteboard ! !

Have a great new year everyone ! ! ! Thanks for reading through all that if you did lmao

[thatotherfooltheycallweaver]

Another test

A completely different fic that im working on

Tuesday afternoons are always oddly slow, regardless of the location Cordelia found herself in. Earlier that morning, her brother had asked her to take on the role of his receptionist for a few days, as the woman who usually worked at the front desk of his office was unable. She sat at the desk, reorganizing papers out of complete boredom. Men had been coming in and out all day, but she felt like there was nobody she could talk to. She was more than happy to help whenever she was needed, but it was, in her mind, ridiculous that there was nothing to do. With a sigh, she tapped her fountain pen against the loose papers--schedules, notes, and other things--it almost took on a pointillistic look on the page. She leaned on the desk before noticing that her hair was a bit of a mess and started trying to pin stray strands back into place--she knew she should have been more careful when she was doing her hair that morning. She hated having her it pinned up, but attempted to be more professional, for her brother’s sake. She had heard rumors of a baronet all the way from England--she couldn’t remember if they had specified from where in that country--would be visiting Buffalo for the time being. A baronet, no less. That title was uncommon enough to warrant questions, as nobody she spoke to understood exactly what it meant. She made it a point to ask her friend, Edith, later--she would likely know. Her thoughts were interrupted when she heard the door open and shut. A tall man dressed in all black walked in, carrying a wooden case. The only other visible color on him was the silver chain of a pocket watch. He removed his top hat as he approached the desk, revealing short, dark, slicked-back hair under it. His eyes met hers for a moment and he smiled.

“Good afternoon, miss. I’m looking for a Mr. Baker. I have an appointment, though I suspect I’m a bit early.” Cordelia looked through the papers to find if there was something written down. “It’s for Thomas--ah, I’ve a card, my apologies.” He took a piece of paper out of his pocket. Printed across it, in neat black ink, was the name ‘Sir Thomas Sharpe’ and the title of Baronet under it. She had no idea how accurate the rumors would have been, but each of them mentioned he was attractive. They were inaccurate, as none of them could accurately capture how handsome the gentleman before her truly looked. Though tempted to keep him in the lobby until it was time for him to go back to speak to her brother for answers--she was curious, wanting to know more about him--she decided against it.

“My brother wouldn’t mind if you went back early, actually. If you’re ready to, of course.”

“Really?” He asked, a bit surprised. “Yes, miss, I am ready. Where do I go?”

“I can show you.” She stood, deciding against prying for information and resigning to interrogating her brother later--she didn’t want to risk seeming nosy or inconsiderate. “My name is Cordelia Baker. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“The pleasure is all mine, Miss Baker.” He nodded with a smile. They reached the end of the hall and she knocked on the doorway.

“I’ll be right there.” A voice from within called.

“I wish you the best of luck.” She looked at Thomas, smiling.

“Thank you.” His eyes met hers for a moment. “I might just need it.”

“I have full confidence that everything will go well for you.” There was a look in his eyes; as if he was unused to warm smiles and genuine words with no hope of recompense--no cynicism or idle words. He was unsure, for the moment, if it was how America simply operated...or if she was one of those rare, kind souls. The type that would set him free from all the horrors, all the burdens--he pushed the thoughts away from his mind, reassuring himself that he needed to take things one step at a time. Thomas brushed off his coat in an attempt to make himself at least feel more presentable. The door opened, and a man a little shorter than the Baronet was standing there. He had strawberry blonde hair and was wearing a blue shirt with a tawny vest over it.

“Sir Sharpe.” He held out his hand to the dark-haired man. “I’m Anthony Baker. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you as well.” Thomas shook his hand. “Thank you for agreeing to see me, I truly appreciate it.” He let go, the shorter of the two opening holding the door to his office open, motioning for him to follow. Cordelia left, wanting to give them privacy if they wanted.

“Please, just call me Anthony.” He said with a smile, gesturing to the chair. “I don’t know what you plan, but do make yourself comfortable.” Thomas found it odd. Other investors had not been anywhere near as considerate, or kind. He did not understand it, but he wasn’t going to waste such an opportunity.

“I have a model. May I?” He asked, gesturing to the box.

“Of course.” Again, much to his surprise, Anthony actually picked up some of the papers and things to make a bit more room for him to work. He was ready to take notes and already seemed interested. As if he was half-expecting the redhead to change his mind, the baronet quickly set the small model up, taking the jar and box that was inside. The man across from him watched, allowing him to concentrate. Taking a breath, he did his best to steady his sudden nerves.

“The Sharpe clay mines have been royal purveyors of the purest scarlet clay since 1796. In its liquid form, it is so rich in ore and so malleable that it can produce the strongest bricks and tiles.” He gestured to the jar, left of the machine model.

“May I?” Anthony asked, gesturing to the smaller wooden box with a clay tile in it. Thomas nodded. “I've never seen anything that vibrant a shade of red in my life.” He mused, letting him continue explaining.

“Excessive mining in the last 20 years has caused most of our old deposits to collapse. This is a clay harvester of my own design. It transports the clay upwards as it digs deep.” He turned the machine on. “I have absolutely no doubt this machine will revolutionize clay mining as we know it.” Anthony looked at the machine, amazed.

“This is very impressive.” Thomas looked up, a bit caught off-guard, unused to compliments. Now he had to wonder if it was those two siblings, or it was the country.

“Thank you, sir.”

“Have you had a chance to test it, full-scale?”

“Not yet, but we’re very close. We’re hoping that with funding, it will work. I've built the harvester on my estate, but more parts would be needed to keep it running smoothly.” He explained.

“Of course, of course, my apologies. Do you happen to have schematics? Sketches?” He asked. “I would like to look into this more before I make a decision. I believe it will take a bit of time. Research and all that, I hope you understand.” Thomas nodded, a little surprised he got this far.

“Of course.” He nodded, grabbing a folder from the case. “I have everything right here.” He handed it over--inside were schematics, other information that would hopefully be useful.

“This is genuinely impressive--I apologize for repeating. It's just so well designed.” Anthony smiled for a moment. “I will have to look into it, though I can't make any promises.”

“I understand. It is a bit risky but I wholeheartedly believe it's worth it.”

“I will do what I can to respond quickly. How long are you still staying in Buffalo?"

“I believe we are--my sister and I--staying until autumn. I’m unsure of the exact dates. My sister hasn’t told me anything, yet.” Anthony nodded.

“Well, I can at least guarantee it won't take that long to get an answer.” He chuckled softly. “I'm sorry to cut this short, but I do thank you for being here.” He stood. “It was nice to meet you. I'll have my sister…” He said that as if trying to show a bit of solidarity, or they at least had something in common. “...show you out." As if on cue, there was a rhythmic knock, a code of sorts. He got up and opened it. Cordelia was there. Thomas felt a little less uncomfortable...something about her, something about the way she carried herself.

“I swear I wasn't eavesdropping,” It was honest, but she was a bit nervous about how it came across. She pulled on her sleeve, letting out a soft snicker. “I just came by to drop off some letters for you. Including one from a certain Miss Cushing." She teased Anthony, who blushed a bit in embarrassment.

“Had it not been for witnesses…” He hissed. “I’ll trade you. Would you please show Sir Sharpe out?”

“Do I have to give you the letters?” He gave her a look and she handed them over, begrudgingly. Not that she didn’t want to spend the time with Thomas, she just wanted to see Anthony’s reaction.

“Shall I leave anything here for you to examine further?”

“No, thank you; if you want to take it, please do.” Thomas nodded, packing up the machine and carefully stowing the jar and box.

“Thank you for your time, sir.”

“And thank you for yours.” Anthony smiled, looking over his notes. The baronet looked at Cordelia with a soft smile. Her presence was almost comforting, in a way, he couldn’t quite explain it. She shut the door behind them both.

“Hello.” She greeted as she began to lead him back to the lobby. “How did it go?” She asked gently.

“I believe it went well--at least it seemed to.” He looked at her, tilting his head slightly. “Your brother is much kinder than others I’ve gone to.” He mused, finding the situation rather refreshing, in a way.

“Anthony loves listening to people talk, and their ideas. And from the look at the machine I got when you were putting it back in the case, it was rather interesting.” The comment caught Thomas off-guard. He wouldn’t have guessed a lady like her would have found his clay harvester fascinating. There was a level of intrigue they both felt, curiosity between strangers. The tall Englishman who dressed in dark clothing and spoke with a gentle elegance she was unfamiliar with; the American woman in rich lavender who took an interest in his work, unprovoked, not to just be polite--each unusual to the other, and yet it felt captivating. “So...you've got an accent. English, right?” She asked. “Sorry, I don’t know many people from Europe…”

“No, no, Miss Baker, you don’t need to apologize. I don’t mind answering...though I suppose others will have the same questions, no doubt.” He looked at her with a small smile. “I am from England.”

“Is it nice there?” She asked, looking up at him with a curious smile.

“Where I’m from, it’s rainy and dark in some of the most beautiful ways.” He smiled at her, finding the curiosity endearing. “Not like Buffalo.”

“It sounds beautiful, really.” She smiled, listening intently. Cordelia definitely loved his accent, though she knew there was more to him than what everyone else might care to ask about. High society had a tendency to gloss over personality, beyond the obvious and surface level. “I’ve always wanted to go to England. Everyone I know who’s been there speaks highly of it.” He looked over, a little intrigued. Her smile felt...reassuring, in a way. Her curiosity was almost comforting.

“I think everyone should go to London at least once in their life. It’s quite amazing--the art, architecture…” He looked over. “Perhaps I could be the one to show you, someday.” She looked over, unable to tell if he was subtly flirting, or if he was just being kind. She didn’t know if she was misinterpreting things.

“How could I possibly refuse an offer like that?” She looked over. “If you want, I could show you around Buffalo...make things even?” The idea of spending time with her was inexplicably something he wanted--no, needed. He was drawn to her, he needed to find out more about her. The fact that she would even suggest that she’d give him a tour was astonishing--nobody else he met up until then had brought it up.

“That sounds like a fair deal. I would love that, actually.” He admitted with a smile--it made her blush faintly. It was unexplainable...she had no idea how this man had an effect on her already. They reached the lobby, the door in sight. The soft evening light started filtering in through the glass.

“You know...I’m hosting a party on Friday night--this Friday…” She got irritated with herself, internally, wondering if she was embarrassing herself by talking too much. “...if you would be interested, you are more than welcome there.”

“Really?” He sounded a bit stunned. “I would very much enjoy that. Would it be alright if my sister came along with me? I’d hate to leave her out.”

“If she wants to, of course she can.” She looked at him with a soft smile.

“Well, that’s great.” He smiled back, brightly. “Until then, Miss Baker?”

“I’m already looking forward to it, Sir Sharpe.” He took his hat, putting it on and chuckling softly as he left. With him gone, she sighed. There was something about him that she couldn’t describe. Cordelia immediately set off to bother Anthony for information. She knocked on the door and opened it. Her brother had a completely smitten look as he was reading over the letter. “So...how’s Edith?” She teased, amused.

“She’s fine.” He muttered, closing the letter and putting it on top of the papers.

“Have either of you told the other, yet?”

“No. Stop asking.” He looked at her, half-glaring. “And don’t ask about the baronet. I’m not giving you anything, yet.”

“Fine, fine.” She shook her head. “Then I’ll get back to planning the party.”

“Alright. Have fun.”

[inthedayswhenlandswerefew]

But You Can Never Leave [Chapter 13: Paper And Ink]

A/N: Can I just take a second to say how happy I am to see all of your reactions to my little fic?! I have never been a super popular writer on Tumblr but I like to think that I have some of the cleverest, kindest, most thoughtful readers around. Your support for and emotional investment in my stories makes me so, so, so happy. Please enjoy this latest chapter...it’s the longest one yet! 💜

Also, MAJOR shout out to @writerxinthedark​ and her constant insanely astute observations!! Girl, I’m shook. Do you have ESP or what...? 👀

Chapter summary: Roger tries to reach a compromise, John tries to offer solace, Chrissie tries out some retro science, Y/N tries to process some alarming new information.

This series is a work of fiction, and is (very) loosely inspired by real people and events. Absolutely no offense is meant to actual Queen or their families.

Song inspiration: Hotel California by The Eagles.

Chapter warnings: Language! Discussion of substance abuse! Babies! Drama! Angst!!!

Chapter list (and all my writing) available HERE

Taglist: @queen-turtle-boiii​ @loveandbeloved29​ @maggieroseevans​ @imnotvibingveryguccimrstark​ @im-an-adult-ish​ @queenlover05​ @someforeigntragedy​ @imtheinvisiblequeen​ @joemazzmatazz​ @seven-seas-of-ham-on-rhye​ @namelesslosers​ @inthegardensofourminds​ @deacyblues​ @youngpastafanmug​ @sleepretreat​ @hardyshoe​ @bramblesforbreakfast​ @sevenseasofcats​ @tensecondvacation​ @queen-crue​ @jennyggggrrr​ @madeinheavxn​ @whatgoeson-itslate​ @brianssixpence​ @simonedk​ @herewegoagainniall​ @stardust-killer-queen​ @anotheronewritesthedust1​ @pomjompish​ @writerxinthedark​

Please yell at me if I forget to tag you! :)

“You can’t leave,” John pleads. One of his hands—strong, nimble, a gold band on his wedding finger—is clutching the wooden bedpost. Chrissie paces back and forth beside him, gnawing her thumbnail until it bleeds, silent tears streaking down her ruddy cheeks.

You throw your open suitcase onto the bed and start yanking things out of drawers: panties and bras—the practical ones, not the sexy ones, I won’t be needing those in the immediate future—jeans, velvet dresses, sweaters, socks, mittens, scarves. It’ll be cold in Boston. “I’m going home.”

“Love, please...” Chrissie sobs.

“I’m not staying here.” Your voice is surprisingly steady, resolved even. “I’m not going to stay in this house with him. I’m not going to follow him around the world watching him fuck other women and humiliate me in tabloids. I’m done, I’m going home.”

“You have a contract with the record company, you’re the tour nurse!” Chrissie protests. “Jesus christ, they could sue you for non-performance! When does the band leave, a week from now?!”

“Six days,” John says softly.

“Six days!” Chrissie shouts at you.

“I’m not going. They can sue me, that’s fine.” I don’t have any money anyway. None that’s actually mine.

“You can’t leave,” John says again. His greyish eyes are wide and restless, desperate; you didn’t know it was possible for him to be this agitated. He’s not Queen’s unflappable bassist today.

“Yeah? Observe.” You pick the pink conch shell up off the dresser—the one John found for you on the beach in Ostia, during a tour that feels like a lifetime ago—and tuck it gently into a corner of your suitcase where it will be cushioned by knit sweaters. “John, I have a bunch of your sketches downstairs. There’re some on the refrigerator, some framed in the living room, a couple on the dining room walls...will you go get those for me, please? I can’t leave without them.”

John just stares at you, blinking and thunderstruck.

Next to the empty space on the dresser where the conch shell once lived is the Canon F-1. You consider the camera for a moment, then snatch it up and move to hurl it out of the second-story window.

John jolts out of his paralysis. “No no no no, I think you’ll regret that.” He gently pries the Canon out of your grasp and places it back on the dresser.

“What the hell are you going to do in Boston?!” Chrissie wails. “All your friends are here now! Your life is here!”

“I’m going to get a job at the hospital and marry some boring, predictable man and get a house with a white picket fence and fill it with two exceptionally average children”—if I can have them, and that’s a big if as it turns out—“and a golden retriever and live out the rest of my days in blissful, prosaic anonymity. Thanks for asking.”

“Oh come on, you don’t want that!” Chrissie snaps. “You’ve never wanted that, that’s why you came to London with the band to begin with!”

“I don’t want to feel like this!” you scream, and all those tears you didn’t know you were biting back start spilling out in hot, torrential streams. Your breath hitches; your throat burns. Like wildfire. John pulls you to his chest, murmurs that everything will be okay, cradles the back of your head with his palm. You know he’s exchanging a glance with Chrissie over your shoulder. That’s why she brought him here, after all; to help talk you off the ledge, to help convince you to stay.

“What a fucking mess,” Chrissie says in despair.

“It’s my fault,” you choke out.

“It’s not,” John whispers.

“It is,” you insist bitterly, sobbing into him. “Everyone warned me and I ignored it because I’m a complete idiot and now I’ve gone and ruined my life.”

“You don’t have to go!” Chrissie implores. “You can stay here. With us, with me and John and Mary and Freddie and Brian. You have British citizenship, you can get a job at a hospital in London if you really want to leave the band. You can stay with me and Bri for as long as you need to until you’re back on your feet, or with Freddie...they’d give you any amount of money you needed to get started...they’d be heartbroken if you left, love, you’ve been there for them through everything, since Queen was just a bunch of nobodies, since we were all flat broke...they’re never going to forget that loyalty you showed them, that faith. They’d do anything to repay you.”

You sigh shakily as you untangle yourself from John and wipe your eyes. “If I stay here, I’ll spend the rest of my life dodging Roger at birthday parties and holidays and restaurants. And being known as the wife he fucked around on. I’ll be a pitiful mess of a person. They had a photo of me in the News Of The World, did you know that? A tiny little circular photo under a huge, glamorous one of Dominique. ‘Look everyone, check out the dashing rock star’s sad, pathetic, unremarkable, soon-to-be-ex-wife. Surely you can appreciate why he’d shop around.’”

“Yes, I saw that part,” Chrissie says softly. She understands some of what you’re feeling, surely, and yet she must also have a sensation of gratefulness; plenty of musicians wander like tornadoes, touching down and sowing chaos wherever their compulsions take them, but few wives have the misfortune of seeing their names and faces paraded through the tabloids. Suddenly, Chrissie isn’t the most-wronged wife in Queen anymore.

You bury your face in your hands. “Oh god. My parents might even hear about this. They could be buying wine and Cheetos at the grocery store and see my husband and his girlfriend on the cover of a magazine in the checkout line.”

“I’m so sorry,” Chrissie replies, her voice hoarse. John crosses his arms over his chest and says nothing; but he kicks the wooden bedframe hard enough to send a crack down the center of the footboard.

Downstairs, you hear the front door open. Chrissie and John whirl to you, panicked.

“Hey, love of my life!” Roger’s chipper voice vaults up the staircase. Someone hasn’t checked the headlines yet. “Baby? You home?”

“Do you want me to stay?” John asks you.

“No, I can handle it.”

“Are you sure? Because I’ll stay for as long as you want me to. I’ll hide in the goddamn bushes outside the window if that would be helpful.”

“No, John.” You smile and climb onto your toes to wrap your arms around the back of his neck, to hug him goodbye. He’s warm and comfortable and sheltering. He feels more like home than this house ever has, isn’t that strange? And for a second, just one, you wonder what your life would look like if there had been no Veronica, no Roger.

You’d still be in Boston, you idiot, you chastise yourself. You never would have come to London with Queen if it wasn’t for Roger. And You’re My Best Friend wasn’t about you.

“Thank you,” you tell John. “But I have to do this part myself.”

“Okay. Don’t you dare go cart yourself off to Heathrow without telling me first, alright?”

“Sure,” you say, not meaning it. I can’t let him stop me.

“Good luck,” Chrissie frets, wringing her hands, twirling her wedding ring. “Call me, okay? I’m going to be a nervous wreck until I hear from you. I’ll chew my poor fingers to the bone.”

“I’ll call. I promise.”

“Hey baby!” Roger materializes in the bedroom doorway, pushes his prescription sunglasses up into his windswept blond hair, peers around the room at you and John and Chrissie. And you’re suddenly reminded of how a room changes when Roger walks into it, how everything shifts somehow, becomes brighter, more alive, brimming with magnificent potential; how cavernously empty the world would feel without him in it. Chrissie glares at him with her arms crossed, nostrils flaring, tapping one fashionable riding boot against the hardwood floor. “Uhhhh...am I interrupting something?”

“Bye, love.” Chrissie kisses you quickly on each cheek and breezes out of the room. You hear her boots clopping as she descends down the staircase. After a moment, John follows her.

“You despicable prick,” John hisses as he passes Roger in the doorway.

Roger is mystified. “Baby, what’s going on?” His eyes flick to the hastily packed suitcase, to the cracked footboard. “What the fuck happened to the bed?”

There are so many ways to ask the same question. When did you decide that you needed to have her? Who is she to you? How could you do this to me? What did she give you that I couldn’t? Instead, what you ask him this: “Have you seen the News Of The World today?”

His brow furrows into deep grooves. “No...” But something primal flashes in his vivid blue eyes, just briefly. Something like fear. He knows he’s done things that would hurt me. And I don’t think I’ll ever be able to unearth them all.

You grab the magazine off the bed and hurl it at him. Roger picks it up off the floor and flips to the front page. His shoulders slump, one hand comes up to cover his mouth, he exhales in a deep sigh; his whole body shifts the same way a room does when he walks out of it: dims, deflates, goes bloodless. He calmly lays the News Of The World on the dresser, folds his sunglasses and sets them down as well, rubs his eyes with the heels of his calloused hands. Then he turns to you.

He’s going to deny it, you think, revolted. He’s going to deny it just like Brian did, try to patch things up in some weak and gutless way, placate me so he can drift off to sleep at night imagining he’s a good husband.  

But Roger isn’t Brian. He never has been.

He asks you quietly, in surrender: “What do you want to know?”

Your stomach plunges into freefall, because this is real. Maybe there was some part of me that was hoping this was a mistake, some naïve and hopeful sliver of idealism left over from childhood, from a time when everything in the world was either good or evil and nothing lived in the treacherous shadows in between. “How long?”

“Does it matter?”

“Yes, Roger, it matters.”

“Not long.” He waves a hand glibly. “She...ah...well she thought I was pretty maddening at first. It took her a while to come around to the idea.”

You flinch like you’ve been slapped. “Jesus christ, Roger. Thank you, that’s great, thank you for that information.”

“I’m not trying to hurt you,” he protests, exasperated. “I’m really not, I don’t...I just don’t...bloody hell, I don’t know how to do this.”

“To do what? To fuck around?! Obviously that’s inaccurate—”

“No, to confess!” he shouts. “I never confess, I never admit it, I just avoid or deflect or deny it, and when that doesn’t work anymore I just walk out because usually I don’t care enough to have the conversation. But now I do so I’m really, really trying to give you what you want. I thought you wanted answers. So ask me whatever you want to and I’ll tell you the truth.”

Everyone lies. Everyone disappoints you. I knew that, I really did...but somehow I let him convince me that I didn’t. That he was built of nothing but light. “Do you love her?”

“No,” he replies instantly. “It’s a fling, that’s all.”

“So you didn’t corner her somewhere and tell her that you’re planning on breaking up with me.”

Roger winces. I wasn’t going to end up like Josephine, that was the first promise I made to myself on British soil. And look where I am now. “No. Never.”

“Why, Roger?”

He looks away, runs his hands through his hair; he genuinely doesn’t know how to answer.

You stare at him in disbelief. “Are you even sorry...?”

He speaks carefully, purposefully. “I’m sorry you had to find out, that you were hurt by it. And I’m really fucking sorry about that headline. Discretion is extremely important to me. I never would have let that happen, but you know...” He shrugs, smirking guiltily in that disarmingly bewitching way that he does. Stop, you warn yourself, feeling something in you grasping for reasons to stay. “I haven’t been thinking especially clearly lately.”

“Yes, between the coke and the drinking and the pills you’re quite the disaster, aren’t you?” Scalding tears slither down your face. “So you’re not sorry you did it. You’re not sorry that you’re an addict or a cheater.”

“It’s not about that. It’s...” He searches for the words like premonitions in tea leaves. “Yes, there are drugs and parties and women. There are a lot of those things. But I’m not addicted to any of them. I’m addicted to being Roger Taylor, drummer of one of the best bands in the world. It’s everything I am, it’s everything I’ve ever wanted to be. I never want to live in a world where that’s not who I am anymore. You understand that, what it’s like to feel caged and miserable, you know what it’s like to want to experience things. And so if it takes coke and pills to get up on that stage every night and drum under those blinding lights until it feels like my arm is split open again, okay, no problem, I’ll do it. If women are a part of the lifestyle, a part of being free, then I’ll take advantage of that. And why the fuck does it matter? Why do so many people think that fidelity is the ultimate manifestation of love? Plenty of faithful people hate each other. Plenty of people who screw around are irretrievably in love with one person, are fucking owned by them. I love you. I want to come home to you. I want to raise my children with you if that’s a possibility, and if it’s not then fine, whatever, I’m gonna love you all the same. You’re still on my list, Boston babe. You’re always going to be on my list. Why isn’t that enough?”

“John doesn’t cheat,” you object helplessly. Even if he has all the reasons in the world to.

“No, he doesn’t. But he’s a very different kind of man. A better one, probably. But you’ve always known who I was. And I never promised you an ordinary life.”

You shake your head, hide your face in your hands, can’t force the words to leave your trembling lips. It’s not enough for me. Maybe I thought it could be, but it’s just not.

Roger says, gently: “I know we said the marriage didn’t mean anything”—yes, that was your condition, wasn’t it?—“but that’s not completely true. It’s not just paper and ink. It does mean something. It means that you’re the person I want to take care of, the person I can rely on to provide for my family and friends if something ever happened to me. It means that I love and trust you in a way that is unconditional. That you’re my best friend.”

“I don’t want to live like this, Roger,” you whisper.

“So what’s next?” he demands. “So you’re going to take that suitcase and run back to the States and...what, get a job at the same hospital you were so desperate to escape from? Back out of the tour? Abandon the band and the friends you have here?”

“If that’s what it takes to get away from you.”

For the first time, you hurt him; you really hurt him. You see it ripple across his face like cold, swirling ocean waves. “Please don’t leave.”

“I’ve already decided, Roger.”

“Come on, baby, please, we can work this out—”

“I’m not interested.” You zip the suitcase closed, heave it off the bed, and drag it towards the door.

“So even if we can’t work it out,” Roger erupts, bolting to the doorway, to stand between you and whatever a life after him looks like. “Don’t leave the band. Leave me, just me, but not the band. I know you don’t want to leave them. I know they’ll be devastated if you disappear, not to mention they might legitimately murder me over it. Bri can be a twat, sure, but he’s convinced you saved his life. You and I might be the only people on the whole fucking planet who can see how brilliant John is, who understand him. Freddie’s convinced you’re some kind of good luck charm, you know how superstitious he is, he’ll start having those meltdowns again where he insists he can’t sing five minutes before a show and that the band is doomed, the tour will be a complete disaster. We need you. And I want you to keep the job you love, the travel, the mansion, the money, I want you to have all of it. You’ve earned it. You shouldn’t lose it because of me.”

And as you clutch the handle of your suitcase, your mind dashing from one logistical step to the next—grab my passport and some cash out of the safe, collect all of John’s sketches, call a cab to take me to Heathrow—you start remembering things. But you don’t see them like flashes, like misty reveries, no; you feel them like heat from a roaring fireplace, like Mediterranean pebbles digging into the wrinkled soles of your feet, like the deafening screams of crowds filling the Rainbow Theater, the Hammersmith Odeon, the Apollo, the Budokan, Madison Square Garden. Memories of excavating shards of glass from John’s hand in a New Orleans mansion crawling with fantasies and nightmares, of toasting pink champagne in the lobby of the Chelsea Register Office, of museums and parks and beaches and apartments filled with threadbare couches and extravagant dreams, of Christmases and New Year’s Eves, of Roger convincing you to come to London with Queen on a June morning in 1974, cradling your face in his rough hands, promising you everything you’ve ever wanted: ‘Love...Accept. The fucking. Offer.’ And you could run to the other side of the world, sure; but you’re never going to be able to carve those memories out of your bones.

You let go of the suitcase, and Roger’s smile lights up his face like the sun.

~~~~~~~~~~

“Careful...careful, love...” Roger contorts himself to keep the umbrella over you and the Boston cream pie you’re carrying as rain pours out of a sinister grey sky. You both hurry beneath the roof that covers the front porch and ring the doorbell. Freddie answers wearing a tight green shirt, jeans, and an enormous toothy grin.

“Oh, for me?” he squeals, eyeing the pie.

You step inside as Roger stays out on the porch to shake off the umbrella and finish his cigarette; Chrissie hates people smoking in her house, and one should get what they want on their birthday. “Obviously, it’s for Chris. But I suspect she’ll share.”

Chrissie appears in a blue dress, her wide-set pale eyes alight as she gazes at the pie. “At last! I finally get to try one of these! And yes, Freddie, I’m only going to have the teeniest tiniest piece, so there will be more than enough to go around.” She embraces you and takes the pie. “Is this homemade?! It is, isn’t it?”

“Happy birthday, Chrissie,” you announce with a tired smile. Queen leaves for the News Of The World Tour in two days. You’re leaving with them, to everyone’s palpable relief; Freddie and Brian have never mentioned the headline to you, but they know about it of course. Everybody knows. It’s an elephant in every room, an ancient beast that quakes the floor when it walks.

“I’m going to miss you like crazy,” Chrissie tells you. “I always do.” But she’s a little thankful, too; because spending months away on tour is undoubtedly preferable to a permanent absence, a visibly missing piece like a chip in a tooth.

“I know. I’ll call.”

Roger steps inside the massive Chelsea home. “Happy birthday, Chris!”

She promptly spins away, ignoring him, and ferries the pie off to the kitchen. Freddie wraps an arm around Roger’s shoulder and steers him into the living room where Mary, John, a perpetually pregnant Veronica, and a host of assorted Mullens and Mays are passing the twins around like footballs and chatting over appetizers and tea and cookies. Biscuits, you correct yourself. And the shrimp cocktail are called prawns.

“What did you say your name was?” a middle-aged, rotund, bearded man asks John disinterestedly. “Josh? James?”

“John, actually. I’m the bassist.”

The man frowns as he gobbles down a shrimp. “Oh, how odd, I’ve never even heard of you.”

“Yeah?” Roger pipes as he sails over and claps the man aggressively on the shoulder. “Well let me introduce you. This is John Richard Deacon and he wrote You’re My Best Friend, you’ve heard of that one, right? He learned the electric piano to compose it. Yes, he doesn’t just play bass, he has all sorts of gifts. He’s massively talented. He builds amps and manages finances and can sketch pictures that look like freaking photographs...”

You wander into the kitchen where Chrissie is slicing herself a miniscule portion of Boston cream pie. “Oh fuck it, it’s my birthday. I’m having a proper piece of pie, thighs be damned.” She goes in for a second attempt. “You want any?”

“No, I’m alright. I haven’t been feeling well.”

Her brows knit together in concern. “Not compulsively consuming your own weight in snacks to avoid socializing with strangers? That’s unlike you.”

Well, since you asked, I was feeling even more piggish than usual until I found out my husband was fucking somebody else, and also that the entire country knows about it. “Yeah, weird.”

Brian enters the kitchen. “Oh, pie!”

“You want a piece?” Chrissie asks cheerfully. So they’ve made up somehow. Like they always do, like they always will.

“Yes, absolutely, but I’ll get it myself, love. You go enjoy yourself. It’s your day.”

She beams up at him and journeys out to the living room. You are in no rush to join her. Watching Roger charm the crowd, allowing him to dazzle you, to lull you back into his orbit like the subsidiary moon of a vast, ringed planet...no, you have no stomach for that at all. You pour yourself a glass of red wine and try to swallow without tasting it.

Brian’s doting demeanor evaporates like he’s taken off a mask. He sighs, mixes himself a Vesper, sips it as he leans against the kitchen counter and studies you warily. “How are things?”

“Paradisiacal.” Each night you sleep in the guest room with the blue-grey walls and the seahorse-patterned blankets. Roger tried to give you the main bedroom, still sleeps in a spare room in case you ever decide you want it; but you like that the blue room is smaller, more humble, that it smells like John’s brand of cigarettes, that there is no gaping emptiness where Roger usually is. Roger doesn’t try to talk to you about Dominique. He is attentive, optimistic, easygoing, affectionate; he lights the fireplace in the living room and brings you hot chocolate, he wears the red hat you once knit him every time he leaves the house. But he left the paperwork showing he’d sold the apartment—the ‘London Love Nest,’ isn’t that what the headline called it?—out on the kitchen table where you would see it. You know he’s waiting for you to forgive him, as if that’s an inevitability. And every once in a while you feel a guttural stab of fear that he might be right. Someone puts Hotel California on the record player out in the living room. “Every time I hear this goddamn song I get acid trip flashbacks. I start thinking of sharks for some reason.”

“It reminds me of...” Brian’s gaze goes murky. “Well, of a girl from New Orleans.”

The one from the hot tub. The one with a peach tattooed on her shoulder blade.

“We have a stop there,” you say. “You know, on the tour. We’ll be there for a few nights.”

“Oh, I haven’t forgotten.”

No, perhaps that’s all he’s been thinking about.

“How are you these days, Bri? Two beautiful children, adoring wife, We Will Rock You becoming a fantastically successful single...your world must seem pretty golden.”

“You’d think so.” He peers out the window where raindrops are clinging to fogged glass and the November skies are illuminated with episodic flashes of lightning like Morse code. At last he says, very softly: “I think I married the wrong person.”

“I think I did too.”

Bri raises his eyebrows and clinks his Vesper against your wine glass. “So we were both right. Fantastic. Cheers.”

You gulp down the rest of your wine, feeling your stomach roil in protest. You pour another glass. Brian drains his Vesper.

“You want me to escort you out there?” Brian asks, gesturing towards the living room. “I’ll happily redirect everyone’s attention towards the twins if you’d like. They’re very convenient conversation starters.”

“No, thanks Bri. You go ahead.”

“Alright. If you insist.” A smile ghosts his lips. “I’m really glad you’re coming with us, love. I’m sure it wasn’t an easy decision. And I’m sure things won’t feel easy for a long time. But Queen wouldn’t be the same without you.”

“Yeah, yeah. Now get out there before I punch you in your fragile liver.”

Brian laughs, sets his glass in the sink, and disappears into the living room. You stall in the kitchen by yourself. You sip wine, browse through the family photos displayed on the refrigerator, listen to the polite chatter of the guests from a distance. Eventually you venture towards the living room before losing your nerve and veering down the hallway towards the back porch. Outside the rain is falling torrentially, the sky rumbling with thunder. John is sitting on a wooden bench under the roof and smoking as he gazes out into the storm.

“Hey,” he says, sliding over to make room for you on the bench.

You sit down beside him and hold out your hand. He stares at you for a moment, puzzled, before passing you his cigarette. You take one long drag and give it back to him. John blinks at you, stunned.

“That’s extremely bad for you,” he teases.

“So is getting hammered and driving into cop cars.”

He clutches his chest. “Ouch. I felt that in my soul.”

You shove him, chuckling. He points down at your boots. You swing your feet up to rest in his lap, and he lays his left hand on them while he smokes with his right.

“Go ahead,” he says. “I know you might not want to talk about it. That’s fine. But if there’s any baggage you’d like to unburden yourself of, I’m listening.”

I’ve got baggage, all right. I’ve got enough to fill a Boeing 747. “Everyone warned me. Everyone told me it was a terrible idea to fall in love with him. Everyone except you, John. Why is that?”

He’s slow and deliberate when he answers. “I never wanted you to be with someone because...you know...because you thought you should be with them. Because they were the ‘smart’ choice or the ‘safe’ choice or whatever. I wanted you to make your own decisions, whatever those were. I wanted you to be with someone...whoever that was...only because you wanted to be. Because you loved them.”

You nod. “That makes sense, I suppose.”

“I told you once that it didn’t mean anything to someone like Roger when he...you know. When he does what he does. I was telling the truth then, and I’m telling the truth now. I don’t think it meant anything to him. And I don’t know if that kills any of the pain I know you’re feeling, but I hope it does. Because you being in pain is the absolute last thing I’ve ever wanted. Are you angry with me for not trying to change your mind?”

“No,” you say immediately, and you mean it. “Not at all.”

“Good. Because they took away my driver’s license for a year and I’m probably going to need a lot of rides from you.”

You laugh, a brash authentic laugh, and John grins over at you.

Chrissie hauls the sliding glass door open and steps out onto the porch with a frustrated huff. “I know this party is technically for me, but when you’re the mother of infant twins sometimes all you really want is a smoke, a nap, and a bottle of vodka.” She lights a cigarette and plops down into a chair facing the bench.

“How are you, Chris?” What you mean is: Have you screamed much at your husband lately?

“I’m doing pretty well today, actually.”

“Is that because you’re genuinely happy or because you’ve trained yourself not to be sad?”

Chrissie smirks. “You’ll find those feel like the same thing after a while.”

“No, I won’t find out. Because I’m not staying with him.”

“Love...” Chrissie begins.

“I’ll stay in London. I’ll even stay with the band. But I’m not going to stay married to him.”

“Y/N, please, maybe you should think about this,” Chrissie presses. “I know you love him. And I know he makes you wonderfully happy when times are good. Maybe that’s all we can ask for, you know? Wives in our predicament. Maybe we can learn to cherish them when they’re with us, bottle up the magic, store it on a shelf to tide us over until they come back home. No one else is going to light you up the way he does. There’s only one Roger Taylor. Withdrawal from that is going to be hell.”

You glower out into the wind and rain and say nothing.

“And that woman, Dominique Beyrand? I’ve asked around about her, she’s got some husband back in France that she goes home to when she’s not working here. It’s just a fling for her too, it’s nothing serious. I don’t think there was any chance he would have ever considered actually leaving you for her.”

“He bought her an apartment, Chris.”  

“Men do stupid things that don’t mean anything all the time. Isn’t that right, John?”

“Sure,” he offers ungenerously.

You stop yourself before the words tumble recklessly from your lips: Maybe you’re trying to convince yourself more than me, Chrissie. “I’m divorcing him,” you vow quietly.

“Okay,” Chrissie capitulates. “Okay. I’m sorry, love, please forgive me. I only got two hours of sleep, Teddy was crying all night.” She puffs on her cigarette and sighs mournfully. “I hate to say it, and I don’t mean to be insensitive, but I guess it was sort of lucky you never got pregnant. Can you imagine trying to split up when you have children together? Working out custody and finances and holidays, having to pretend like you don’t want to disembowel each other all the bloody time...it would be torture.”

John glares at her, his left hand still on your boots.

“Yeah,” you respond; but now you’re distracted, because you remember the reason why you had been so determined to ignore the phone when Chrissie called to warn you about the News Of The World headline. Because the kitchen phone was right next to the calendar, and the calendar would report in no uncertain terms that your period was due.

When was that? A week ago?

You can’t be late. You’ve never been late.

“Oh god,” you breathe.

“What?” John asks, concerned.

In reply, you lurch off the bench, stumble to the edge of the porch, and vomit red wine into the wet grass like a gush of blood. Chrissie soars to you and rubs your back as you retch into her lawn. “Oh no, you poor thing!”

“John, go away,” you choke out as he approaches. “I’m humiliated, I don’t want you to see me like this.”

“You saw me in a jail cell. I’m staying.”

You turn to look up at them. They read the raw horror and shock in your eyes. John’s jaw falls open and he shakes his head, firmly in denial. You could relate.

Chrissie gasps. “Oh, bloody hell.”

“No fucking way,” you wheeze. “After all this time, after all those months of nothing...”

“You better take a test,” Chrissie says. “Come on, I have a kit upstairs.”

She pulls you to your feet and leads you to her bathroom, deftly avoiding the increasingly intoxicated crowd downstairs. John waits just outside the door as Chrissie rummages around in the closet for the test kit. It’s a contraption that looks like a chemistry set, with a dropper and a test tube and a stand with a mirror. You piss into a paper cup—successfully although not with flying colors—and wash your trembling hands in the sink with a piece of pink soap shaped like a seashell. Then you lay on the cold linoleum floor with a folded towel for a pillow and a bucket within reach. Chrissie trickles a few droplets of urine into the test tube, mixes in the contents of a small plastic vial, and places the test tube in the holder that suspends it above the mirror.

Chrissie explains to John: “If she’s pregnant, the chemicals will form a brown ring in the tube. If there’s no ring, we’re in the clear.”

“How fitting,” you chuckle from the floor, dazedly, cynically. “That would be the only ring I’ve ever gotten.”

It takes two hours. The three of you loiter in the bathroom, Chrissie and John perched on the rim of the enormous garden tub, fidgeting and chitchatting anxiously. They alternate popping downstairs, mingling just long enough to not arouse suspicions, bringing back biscuits and bits of toast that they futility try to coerce you into eating. Chrissie doesn’t like the smell of cigarettes in the house, she never has; but now both she and John are chain smoking as they wait and periodically get up to check the test tube.

“This isn’t real,” you whimper. “This can’t be real, right? There’s no way the universe has this ironic a sense of humor.”

“Wait, something’s happening.” John waves Chrissie over to the test kit. She examines it.

“Love...” Chrissie begins, her voice tentative, her eyes glossy.

“No,” you insist. “No way, no fucking way, I don’t believe this...”

Chrissie turns the kit so you can view it, so you can see what she does reflected in the tiny mirror: a single dark ring that informs you you’re carrying Roger’s child.

[hazelenergy]

INKTOBER REFLECTION WEEK TWO

If you want to read my first one, click here: reflection one

Once again, these challenges are exhausting. It's hard to keep up. And even I slipped up one day. But. That's okay. It happens.

Inktober day 8: Hecata

I was super pleased with the shadow shapes on this one. The linework is very very neat and I have clearly gotten better with my penmanship. Additionally, I started playing with elements from the original vtm art and it turned out beautifully. The only critique I have for myself here is to watch my body pose- the arm at the back is funky.

Inktober day 9: thinblood

I actually missed this day. On instagram I posted my drawing of Hazel, which got decent attention. I have the drawing sketched, it's supposed to be a thinblood rally with an enormous stained glass window of the crescent moon mark. Something came up and my day was very busy- but I also realized that I want to do this drawing large scale. So. I will fill it in before October ends.

**

Inktober day 10: Banu Haqim

Again, beautiful and clean line art. I'm really happy how the techniques from Bradstreet and my style are starting to effortlessly blend. I always love drawing fabric, it's so fun.

Inktober day 11: the kiss

Okay okay, brag moment: this is done with brushes. BRUSHES. NO PENS. Okay, I'm done. :)

Portraits are another one of my jams. I found reference images but used my own hands for the reference. This was the first time I started using a touch of red in the piece. Loved it.

My critique for this one is to watch the shadows on the nose and hands. They're not off ...they're just not quite right. The hand looks a bit bulbous... Which has a bit to do with how it was positioned and me using myself as a reference image, but also taking the time to be a bit more accurate with my sketch.

Inktober day 12: Tremere

Y'all loved this one. I do too. The shadow shapes. The red. The dress. Ahh! I did a good job!

My notes for this one are to watch my background. I found a reference image that was taken in broad daylight. I managed to make it okay- but there should not be nearly as much light in the background if this was taken at night.

Inktober Day 13: Ghouls.

Portrait again. Wanted to see how much I could capture in a face with very intense shadows. Turned out pretty well. The eye in the shadow needs to be darker. But the piercing gaze is v good. My freehand lettering and border is a bit wonky- but that's what I get for not using ruler lines.

Inktober day 14: Malkavian

THIS. OH IM SO HAPPY WITH THE LETTERING

How I did it: masking fluid and dry brushed ink. Let dry. Then gently erase to reveal the lettering. And then go back in with an ink pen to help pop out some of the edges

This one I had you guys send me music with Malk vibes. You did not disappoint. And so I jammed and created this malkavian- reaching out to their reflection. I wanted to avoid drawing the mirror- since it's overdone and implies something being Broken about them.

Reflection:

All in all a good week of work. I'm already seeing positive results of practicing my line art so much. I'm still struggling with getting up and getting this done before 12 pm. But, I'm doing it. The day I missed was because I overslept and squandered my time- so I owe it to myself to give that time back.

I am really proud of how much my shadow shape sketches are improving and how my style is starting to blend effortlessly. I stopped doing ink drawings for reasons I do not remember. Time probably. It's so good to be doing them again.

[ukulelewrap]

A fanfic about Ink dying part 2 :>

If you haven't seen the first part, you can go right here!

Enjoy! 💞

3 months after Ink almost died, Ink, Blue, and Dream were hanging out in the multiverse. "When I was like-" Ink was interrupted by his own coughing. "Ink! Are you ok?" Dream and Blue both asked at the same time. "Y-yeah.. I'm fine.. Don't worry guys.." Ink reassured his friends with a sad smile.

"Oh.. Ok then! We were just worried because.." Dream cut off his sentence. He closed his eyes, looked at the ground. Tear drops coming from his eye sockets. "You okay Dream?.." Ink asked. A worried look on his face. "Yeah.. I'm okay Ink! But please, be careful.." Dream murmured. "Okay, I'll try!" Ink chuckled.

They continued to talk for a few hours. Until they all went home.

-----------------

When Ink arrived at the doodlesphere, he was really tired. Since he was so tired, he decided to do his favorite thing. Ink got out his drawing tablet, stylus, and some comfy clothing. Ink flopped down on his bed and began to draw on his tablet.

He drew for a few hours. Suddenly, he started to get really hot. Rainbow blush was on his face. He was also exhausted.

Ink then put away his stuff, then dozed off into dreamland.

-----------------

Ink woke up. He was exhausted. He forced himself to get up. He went over to his rainbow waterfall. He tiredly filled up and drank his paints. Still exhausted, he teleported to the multiverse to meet up with his friends.

-----------------

Ink arrived at the multiverse. "Oh! Hey In-" Dream stopped. A worried look on his face. Blue ran over to Ink. "ARE YOU OK?! DID SOMETHING HAPPEN?!" Blue asked Ink. Hugging him with tears in his eyes. "I-Im fine.." Ink tried to smile.

Suddenly, Ink passed out. Dream came over, while Blue tried to hold him up.

They rushed to Sci's office. Hopefully Ink will be alright.

-----------------

Once they arrived, Sci greeted them. "You 3 again. How can I-" "INK SUDDENLY FAINTED! PLEASE! WE NEED TO CHECK IF HE'S OK!" Blue had tears in his eyes. "Ok Blue, calm down please! I'll try to get him into my office as soon as I can!"

Blue and Dream sat in the waiting room. Ink on Blue's lap, still passed out. "Please bring Ink into my office. I'm going to run a DNA test on him again.." Sci walked out of his office and into the waiting room. Blue carried Ink over into Sci's office. "Please be ok.." Blue whispered. He walked into the waiting room, and sat next to Dream. Blue sobbed into Dreams chest, while Dream hugged him back, trying not to cry.

-----------------

"Ink is going to die.. He doesn't have a chance of living.. He will die in a week.."

Sci looked worried.

Blue and Dream both started to sob.

"Ink already knows about his death.. He says his last wishes are, the multiverse to survive. Even with him not around. And his last wish is to spend his last days with his friends.."

Sci look down.

Ink walked over into the waiting room. He had to press his hand against the wall to even stand straight.

He came over to hug his friends, who were sobbing uncontrollably.

-----------------

The star sanses were in the doodlesphere at Ink's house. Ink was sitting on his bed with Dream and Blue. He looked sad.

"Is there something you need to talk about Ink?.."

"Y-yeah.." He mumbled.

"I've been thinking.. Since it was announced that I was gonna die.. You both have been so sad recently.. I don't want you to be sad.." Tears started to form in Ink's eye sockets. "I-I! I wish I would've worked harder! M-Maybe then I would still be living! Maybe then, the creators would still be creating! And you guys! I WISH YOU NEVER MET ME! I KNOW YOU CARE ABOUT ME! AND I CARE ABOUT YOU TO! ITS JUST THAT YOU'RE SO WORRIED ABOUT ME! YOU'RE SO UPSET OVER ME ABOUT BEING GONE NEXT WEEK!" Ink was sobbing uncontrollably. "I-I! I'm sorry.." Ink looked away while sobbing still.

"Ink- Please don't cry!" Dream scooted over to the small skeleton. "Ink." Blue put a hand on Ink's shoulder. "We love you so much. We care about you A LOT. You shouldn't feel like its you're fault. Because it's not. Were you're friends. If course we care. Would you rather have us never met you, and you being forgotten?" Blue asked him.

"N-No.." Ink murmured.

"Good. We wouldn't want that either."

Dream reassured him.

Ink hugged both his friends.

"Thank you so much guys.."

-----------------

2 days had passed. Dream and Blue stayed over. Ink was getting weaker. But the group still had fun. They played games, watched Ink sketch, and watched movies.

"Something is clearly wrong."

"The movie is right. Somethings really wrong here.." Blue was looking very confused.

They spent the rest of the day laughing and having fun.

-----------------

5 days had passed. Ink was getting even weaker. He started to fall asleep more often. The group still managed to have lots of fun though.

-----------------

7 days. This was the finally day Ink was going to be alive. This day had a lot of hugging and crying.

Right before Ink was about to die, he took all his strength and said "G-g-goodbye.. I-I love y-y-you b-both.."

Right after Ink said that, his pupils had turned black, and Ink was running out of his sockets. Ink had died..

Dream came over to Blue, and sobbed into his chest. Blue sobbed just as hard as him.

-----------------

It had been a day since Ink's death. Ink's funeral was planned on Friday. Dream and Blue were the ones who were going to put Ink's body into a coffin.

Blue and Dream sobbed next to Ink's bed. They wished he was still here with them.

-----------------

It had been 3 says since Ink's death. Blue had returned home. Dream kept visiting au's. But it was obvious to see that they weren't they're happy-go-lucky selves.

-----------------

4 days. Dream and Blue were in the doodlesphere. They were preparing for the funeral. They both didn't want to see Ink's dead body, but they had to..

A lot of tears were shed that day.

-----------------

It was now the day if the funeral.

Dream and Blue were both wearing black suits. Formal for a funeral.

They were both ready to put Ink to rest.

Dream took hold of Ink's body, and stood in front of the coffin. Just before he put Ink's body in. He cried on Ink, and gave him one last hug.. He was now going to put Ink's body into the coffin.

-----------------

Suddenly, Ink's eye sockets started to move. Then, they opened! "INK?!"Dream was shocked.

"D-DREAM?!" Ink was as confused as ever. Dream started to hug Ink with tears in his eyes. Blue came rushing over, also hugging Ink. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE ALIVE!" Blue shouted.

"We missed you so much.." Dream hugged Ink even tighter.

"Haha.. I missed you guys to.."

The end <3

(Also if you're wondering how Ink can feel in this last scene, it's because he is near Dream's aura.)

(People I'm gonna tag)

@ut-n-thusiast for the idea of Ink's symptoms of dying

@i-run-on-dumbass-energy, for the idea of ink dying to due to lack of creativity (and inspiration for this)

And @polychrome-attic for being my test reader (kinda) and to make her sad >:>>

(Sorry for tagging, just wanted to give credit were credit is due (● ́ω ●))

[thestrugglezxcs-blog]

WEEK 14

The week started with Huei Hoon’s consultation

Veil goes with concept

Close eyes like sleeping

People won’t feel scared because they can see what it is (eyes experiment in the toilet)

Make it like lurking in dark then it will be scary

Test if people are conscious of being looked at, not immediate, and open

Can try hanging plastic bag with holes that can see the eyes inside.

Not so outward like the immediate cut outs

Testing shows that people don’t like eyes on them in any form.

Strip lights and mirror ltr got reflection

One piece or something to block the direct light

If spotlight need position properly

Test and see which give the ideal stage

What if take away the eyes

See how people respond

A few sketches of ddiff ways of presenting

Project silhouette of light bulbs

Abt ppl abt society, article enlarged to a3 size

How do they understand when they look in and comeout that it is depression

Need to link it to depression very clearly and not to misinterpret to something else

Three small screens, it reveals a lil more abt depression

Direct them to a very clear message

With these feedback in mind and so little time, we did up a to do list together with suggestions on what should be written on our tear drop pendants, and the audio and visuals inside the artefact.

WHAT TO DO:

exterior:

Test out the form, what people think it is. Sleeping or just calm?

Test out the stocking (xy tmr bring)

Test out the hot glue droplet

Words to put in hot glue tbc

If people will put their heads into a hole

Create big box for people to stick head in

Interior:

Audio (convincing and more sad voice) [tbc]

Images

Eyes ( styrofoam, clay, chalk, print the eyes, red thread, glue gun, resin/ nail polish) [thurs]

Words in interior  (home)

Lights (fairy lights? LED strips?)

Image transfer eyes

Words on glue gun

I’m fine

Fine

I’m hiding

Save me

What you see,might not be what it is

I look fine, but i’m not

Nobody understands

More than just emotions

Underlying secrets you won’t understand

Fine is an understatement

I just need a friend

I’m tired

I’m not crazy

if only you felt how i feel

I’m really trying

SOUND

Why are you looking at me like that?

Dont ask me anything

Im not telling u anything

Ahhh im fine dont worry

Just leave me alone

GET OUT OF HERE

*cries* why am i such a burden

Im so unworthy for anyone

The world would be much better without me

Nobody understands me

Sometimes i wonder when i’ll ever be normal again

You’ll never understand what i’m going through

Words on the walls:

“It’s something you’ll always tell yourself it’s temporary and it’ll go away eventually, and it’s just another bad day. But it’s not.”

“when others think that you’re so happy because you get up dress up and look good, they think you’re "happy" but inside you feel  worthless.”

“You struggle to look fine every single day, but it always gets worse.”

“Everything that brought you little joy are now useless and even the simplest tasks becomes painful.”

“Everyday passes so slowly, days feels like years, your mind and body gets so heavy and you’ll feel like you’ll never be happy again.”

“Depression is a never ending void full of emotions and total confusion I'm a ticking time bomb who explodes with these emotions when something triggers my depression.”

“I'm lost in my own mind and I'm lost within this world.”

“It's more than just be sad, the word 'sad' is an understatement.”

“What may seem like the most effortless task, as easy as picking up an object that has fallen on the floor, becomes so so so difficult and dreadful.”

“I’m too tired to even try explain that i’m not being lazy, i’m not being difficult on purpose”

“It's a dull grinding ache in your heart that sleeps with you and greets you in the morning.”

“Your thoughts races from every angle, and you heart panics the moment you are being left alone.”

“When you are at your lowest and most vulnerable, depression really has the ability to engulf that person when th and overwhelm you completely.”

“it's like a brewing thunderstorm, on the verge of breaking the whole world apart”

“You feel afraid when you are being too happy or happier than usual, because you know, you might just break down again, anytime soon.”

“Suicide becomes uncontrollably tempting because depression makes you think that it is the reality of things”

People’s reaction to artefact:

Hole too small

Creepy

People look from a distance before they even put their heads in

Some even scared to put their heads in even before they even looked in

They rmb the eyes from our previous experiment and they are scared to put their heads in

They judging the exterior look

A group came together, and they thought it was a never ending tunnel, and they all took turns one by one to look into the “tunnel”

However none of them read the words on the wall as they are too thin

They looked again when they go back and ask their friends too

Tend to look when with their friends

On thursday, we tried to experiment a little on  the interior and exterior

we tested using hot glue gun and resin and realised hot glue dries faster. SO we’ll be going with hot glue.

we tried to see which form would be most suitable for the exterior

we did a flowchart to follow if we should change anything

we re-did a prototype for the interior but the exterior has yet to be confirmed.

We also tried editing some images for the interior

We also tried testing sounds.

On Friday we had David’s Consultation:

Opening can be shape of an eye

Square or hexagon? Square looks fine too.

Eyes can be peaceful, sleeping, half open.

Many eyes closed? (exterior)

You need a lure for people to come.

How does the veil mean?

Too dark inside

Hang a bulb? Inside someone’s mind, flickering?

Eyes interesting but can't stay

Darken the ink of the words

Words too big because very near to the hole, hard to read

Why not bring to other places and try?

Have a little bit of colour but not too much (pictures)

Blood looks quite legit

Contrast one better than the faded one

Black background better to blend in with our tunnel

Unless like polaroid kind

Becareful dont show that she’s haunted or possessed, she’s suffering from depression

Hide at corner and cry kind of pic

She look lost but depression should be think too much kind.

sound:

Toilet is the best, paper hole sounds like studio.

Sd stairs sounds very hollow

Under table sounds tighter.

Pendant- more than just emotions for vague and abstract

It should be something clearer, that people will understand.