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allylotti · 4 years

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SIPPING JUICE — CHAPTER ONE

warnings: this story includes mature content such as substances, sex, suicide, and more that might not be suitable for people of the ages 16 and under.

( chapter one, 2253 words ! )

I TURNED AROUND AND THERE HE WAS... the boy that was always there for me and me for him. I smiled at him, running into his arms. I held him tightly, like I would never see him again. I sighed, letting free from my grasp

"I missed you so much Jarad-" I started to tear up a bit.

It had been almost three months since I had seen him, because for the first summer ever my dad decided that it was a good idea that I went with him for the summer. My mother agreed with him saying that it was good for me to spend time with my father. I begged her to not make me go, but she denied my request, so instead of using three months of my time being with my friend, they went to waste on my excuse of a father.

"Hey, look at me y/n, it's okay, I'm here." He smiled softly cupping my cheeks. "now don't cry ma' let's get you home, we can make up for lost time later." I nodded softly at what he said. He took my hand into his as we walked down the streets of Chicago that we called home. We walked in a comfortable silence the whole way to his place.

He smiled at me, flashing a pair of bronze keys at me.

I laughed a bit, "Huh, so your mommy finally thought you were grown enough for your own pair?" I teased him, he just rolled his eyes in response.

"Actually y/n, I made the copy myself from the spare so, ha, no my mother didn't give them to me" he remarked.

"Aww he's such a grown up!" I pouted. "I want baby Jarad back, have you seen him? You know the one with the baby face, and short, non dyed dreads?" I crossed my arms in a joking manner.

"Y/n, you act like a child-" he said, opening the door.

"It's because I want yours!" He looked at me seriously, and I said "I'm joking!"

As I walked into the small apartment, I noticed that there was something different, I don't know if it was a vibe or something physical that had changed, it didn't feel right with me.

"Jarad, did you guys change anything in here since I left?" He shook his head as a response. I assumed they just had a friend over or something and shook off the feeling that I had gotten, somewhat like an evil presence had been here.

"You still playing GTA Jarad?" I asked sitting down on his couch. "Uh yeah... I had to choose who the fuck I wanted to kill, Franklin, Michael, or Trevor."

"Please tell me you picked Trevor-" I said whilst picking up a controller for the PlayStation.

"Funny thing is I did" he laughed.

"How'd you kill him?"

"Fire"

"Oof- that shit must have sucked to die in" I laughed.

"Yeah, right. Well I'll be back, I'm going to take a shower" after that he walked upstairs, leaving me alone downstairs.

( a few minutes later ! )

There was a loud knock on the door, just as I had gotten shot in the head,

"Son of a bitch!" I grunted.

I walked towards the door opening it, revealing a short girl with dark hair and pink highlights. I felt that same vibe as I did earlier but I ignored it. A little annoying by her presence I asked

"What are you doing here?"

"What are you doing here?" She replied with my question.

"Um... I'm Jarad's best friend, y/n, who are you?" She looked at me in disgust as those five first words came out of my mouth.

"Oh, I'm Alexia, Alexia Smith, nice to meet you y/n" she smiled fakely, I feeling petty today returned it.

"Is there anything I can get you, Alexia?" I questioned.

"Uh yeah, is Jarad home?" She asked looking down at her shoes.

"Um, no I'm sorry he isn't here right now, I'll let him know that you wanted him, bye, bye" I said shutting the door on her face. I sighed, pressing my back against the door, allowing myself to fall to the ground.

"Who was that?" I heard a voice in front of me asked.

Annoyed that he didn't tell me he had a new girlfriend I said "who is Alexia Smith?"

"Oh, I see, you've met her, Alexia is a friend I met at the park."

"Just a friend?" I cocked an eyebrow.

"Promise Y/n, I'd never lie to you"

"Okay, but I want you to sing for me, and in exchange I'll make you and ma' dinner, deal?"

He scratched his neck and looked down as if he were putting much into my question.

"Okay, Deal" he smiled.

"Oh, and you'll have to sing for me" I giggled. He smiled and tackled me onto the couch, we burst out in laughter.

"Oh god I've missed this" I smiled sadly, he sighed "me too, damn, it's only been three months without each other and it feel like it was an eternity, if we ever get like- supper mad at eachother and shit, and we like won't say sorry because of our pride- I don't know how I would do it, y/n, being without you is- worse than I thought" he chuckled.

"We won't- friends forever, remember? Always and forever" I sat up and kissed him on the cheek.

"Now you have to sing for meee!" I yelled.

"Okay, well so- I haven't told you this but...I've been working on some songs-"

"-And you didn't call me- nuh uh baby, show me them songs" I interrupted him.

"...sorry?" He asked in a way. I gave him a straight face and shook my head.

"Here look, I typed up the lyrics in my phone, but I don't know what to call it! I wanna do Autograph but I also want to do On my line" he pouted handing me the phone.

"Let me see, do you have this recorded Jare?" I asked, reading the lyrics.

He nodded in response, "I love it, and you know what you can call it, Autograph (On my line) it fits," I smiled, "now, the best part... sing it for me, please!"

"Fine" he cleared his throat, getting ready to sing for me.

"I hope I'm the only girl you sing to" I joked.

"You know I wouldn't do that shit with any other girl" he laughed.

"Why you mad,Why you mad, Why you mad, Why you mad?

That's all I wanna know! You're lookin' like a joke, try humour at the most. Steady chokin' on your shade like a dick in your throat,

Well if you're gonna throw shade my way, Maybe you should throw with a little more aim. It's a cold day in hell, when they dirty up your name.

They don't got no business talkin' in the first place i'm freezin'.

All these fuck bitches on my line, Damn bitch you must wanna die tonight

Yeah I rock a choker with a .45 and I know some bitches that are down to ride.

All these hatin bitches on my line, Damn bitch you must wanna fuck tonight!

Let me guess, you're my biggest fan right?"

I was surprised at how much he had improved in the last three months, he was always good but now he would just be top on the charts if he put his music on YouTube and whatnot.

"You wanted an autograph all you had to do was ask, woah

But you lookin like an asshole, Up on twitter and you lookin mad woke, talkin bout me! But you lookin bad woah, Like the ugly daughter that I never had woah, and what's up with these lames, Got my name in they mouth like they swallowin my Children, I never got why bitches hate, its probably Cuz im doin better than em anyway, Its probably cuz i get they bitches wetter anyway, it's Probably cuz im livin and they're in a lower place, They walkin in the slums while im vibin outter space.

Crash land just to take they girl on a dinner. Date, when haters see me winnin they just hyperventilate. They always try to stop me but i never hesitate,

Just follow all your dreams and when you reach them, Celebrate, that's the only way to truly make a hater suffocate.

All these fuck bitches on my line, Damn bitch you must wanna die tonight

Yeah I rock a choker with a .45 and I know some bitches that are down to ride

All these hatin bitches on my line, Damn bitch you must wanna fuck tonight

Let me guess, you're my biggest fan right? You wanted an autograph all you had to do was ask woah

Why you mad that's all I wanna know, Your lookin like a joke try humor at the most

Steady chokin on your shade like a dick in your Throat, well if you're gonna throw shade my way.

Maybe you should throw with a little more aim, It's a cold day in hell when they dirty up your name. They don't got no business talkin in the first Place i'm freezin, but these haters not breathin.

Stevie wonder to these haters no seein, And I don't believe it they hate me hate me for no reason. All these fuck bitches on my line,

Damn bitch you must wanna die tonight

Yeah I rock a choker with a .45 and i know some bitches that are down to ride.

All these hatin bitches on my line, Damn bitch you must wanna fuck tonight

Let me guess, you're my biggest fan right? You wanted an autograph all you had to do was ask woah." He finished, I started clapping.

"You, Jarad Anthony Higgins, are talented. No cap" I hugged him.

"Thank you" he smiled into the hug. "Now what's for dinner" he smirked.

"rice and beans, I'm kidding! My mom has some pasta at her house last time I checked, do you have oil or butter?"

"Yess"

"Okay, and no cheese, see after three months I couldn't forget your hate for cheese" I smiled.

Me and Jarad lived right across the street from each other. I walked out the door crossing the street, and walked in my "home", my mom was never home, she was too busy whoring around her body, when many people had offered her jobs, easy ones too! Even if they paid good money she would say no. The only time I would see her is if she had a guy over! And they wouldn't even be dressed, I basically lived with Jarad ever since my mom was fired for sleeping with her manager at her last job. When she would ground me from going to Jarads I would sneak out late at night through my window, and crawl in his. That was when I was twelve. That's why Jarad's mom is more of a mom to me than my own, she's always cared for me.

I took a deep breath in, smelling the air around me, "home sweet home" I mumbled sarcastically. Per usual it smelled like alcohol, weed, and sex. I rolled my eyes, seeing that she hadn't changed her habits. Walking into the kitchen, I opened the cabinet, finding the pasta just where I left it, I smiled to myself grabbing it and walking out. Shutting the door behind me.

I walked into Jarad's home, placing the pasta on the counter. I started to hum a song.

As I washed my hands Jarad came back into the room, I smiled. "I brought pasta" I sang,

"And you're humming Tupac, again" he sang back. I laughed "I'm always humming older songs" he laughed walking into the kitchen, next to me. He washed his hands and took out his phone playing the song I was humming. I laughed "you really did that didn't you?" I rhetorically asked while 'Picture me rolling' played in the background. He took out the pot and I put in the water, letting the pasta boil on the stove.

"Full grown, finally a man. Just scheming' on ways to put some green inside the palms" we both sang along. He wrapped his arms around my waist moving to the rhythm of the beat. I kissed his cheek, and smiled, "pastas ready" and as if on cue Mrs.Higgins walked through the door- she looked stressed. I smiled softly at her as she looked relieved seeing that dinner was already made.

"Y/n" she sighed "you're back!" She smiled brightly.

"You really thought I was going to leave yall, never"

When we ate dinner we caught up for the most part. Nothing too exciting happened in the last three months, but for some reason I couldn't help but think of that girl that stopped by. Jarad in a way seemed different, like he was hurt. It might have just been me, I've felt weird since I had left for the summer, getting these random feelings in my gut.

For the first time in three I slept in peace, knowing I was home. I was finally okay again.

#juice wrld #xxxtentacion #x reader #jarad anthony higgins

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lovelybrittxo · 4 years

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where do I even start?

I’m literally only writing this for myself since typing a whole novel out on the computer is way easier than writing this in a physical journal which is what I normally do. I come to Tumblr though when I have way too much to say and don't know how to say it. I just need to get it off my chest before I blow up. so here it goes...

shall we start at the beginning? I grew up in a decently religious household. my mom, sister and I went to church almost every Sunday with all our aunts and uncles. don't get me wrong, I still believe in God and whatnot and I wouldn't change my upbringing in the church for anything. but it may have suppressed my views on the world. something my aunt said to me a few years ago has stuck to brain ever since and I can't seem to shake it. she told me that she actually believes that being gay is a sin and that you can love the sinner but not the sin. so like, she believes if you're gay, you can be gay but don't act upon it/the sin. she believes, for example, that being trans is a mental illness. like, I just can't wrap my head around that. and honestly, she spoke with so much conviction and “sense” that she actually had me fooled to think the same way for a hot second. and then to learn that my other “cool” aunt also believes this... kinda sad. both of those aunts have literally talked down upon family (and our family is very tight knit) and people they love... what would they do if they ever found out about me?

ive felt a lot of feelings ever since I was young. mostly towards males... but also towards females. I just thought the female part was me wanting to be like them or be their friend and just have them like me and accept me as a chill person to be around. but fast forward to a couple years ago. I was bombarded (in a good way) by social media flaunting (in a good way lol) different sexualities and things. its hard to describe but that “world” was just becoming more prominent to me I guess.

I started to try and put my religious upbringing in the background so I could focus on trying to figure out who I really was. ive been doing this for at least a couple years now. and although im still trying to really figure it out, right now half way through 2020, I think im getting closer to an answer. and guess what has helped me the most? tiktok lmao! no but for real, the internet is an amazing place for discovery in any form. after I started to get into real communities online (like kpop and penpaling) i’ve never felt more connected to the internet and it allowed me to try and find real personal help... if that makes any sense. i’ve just tried to put myself out there and not just google my feelings but piece together a map from asking real people over the Internet here and there to try and figure out who I am.

sometime last year (or maybe earlier) I found a YouTube video of a popular creator retelling her coming out story. I just randomly commented on the video about how I had been feeling, not to get a reply but just to comment. but then I actually got a real reply (not from the creator but still a nice person). they said something along the lines of me basically being bicurious. I had never in my life heard of such a word and I had thought that this person was just making it up. one google search later I found out it was a real thing. although at the time of first looking it up I was still very confused about the word... still kinda am? lol. however, just a couple weeks ago I had seen a post somewhere (an ad I think selling pride flags) saying there was an official bicurious flag. I was in shock. I thought it was a scam, but its not, it’s real (I just don't think it’s talked about very often cause it doesn't seem like a solid sexuality that you can claim your entire life). but anyway.

now what i’m gonna say next I don't want to come off in the wrong way (you nonexistent person reading this lol), but I feel like dating a trans person brought me into that “world” a bit more. like, i had literally never met anyone who was trans before him or anyone who was gay or used a they/them pronoun... never. but in his world, all of that was common and normal. and this is where I don't want to come off wrongly... I don't wanna make it seem like because I dated a trans person i’m qualified to be included in the LGBT community now or to talk about LGBT stuff or whatever. I just think because I dated him, it opened up my shallow world a bit. especially because he’s open about it (on a side note I always loved looking at his huge trans flag above his bed. that was the first flag I had really ever memorized because of him. besides the rainbow one obviously lol). like, his best friend uses they/them pronouns, and although i’ve always been aware of that, i’ve only ever seen things about it through YouTube videos and whatnot. I had never had to actually use those pronouns for anyone I knew in real life until I met his best friend. like, everything I knew about that “world” had only been through online researching/consuming. i’d never experienced it in real life before.

I remember one night we talked about it a little. I knew he was bisexual and so I asked him if he’d ever dated a guy. he asked me if I would ever date a girl and i just said that I had always thought about it and that my tinder profile was set to find both genders. then we talked about pride since it was at the beginning of quarantine and we didn't know if parades were still gonna happen or not yet. he said I could always go as an ally because I told him I felt ashamed and like I shouldn't be allowed to attend a pride parade. (of course he reassured me I can go and he wasn't shocked about me liking both genders at all...he just said ‘nice’ lol)

I still have a little inkling in the back of my mind that I still shouldn't be able to attend though. honestly because I don't know what I would be attending as. I feel like an imposter. I don't want people thinking that im doing all this for attention or just because I dated one person in the LGBT community. i’ve been struggling with this for so long... but it just so happens that now at 27 years old im coming to terms with who I am. I just feel like because I didn't figure it out earlier that I’m not “worthy” of being included. I feel like such an outsider because no one’s “invited” me in yet lol because im still trying to figure it out.

and on the same note, I don't feel like i’m worthy because I still really don't have a solid answer. at the moment I just use bicurious because ive never dated a girl before. the trans guy ive been talking about has been the only person i’ve ever been romantically involved with. im serious. I made it 26 years without being with anyone in any type of way. I feel like I don't have the right to call myself bisexual. however, I feel a tiny bit more confident in using that label maybe after I do end up dating a girl in the future and not feel guilty about using it because that same guy calls himself bisexual but told me right out one day that he’s way more attracted to girls than guys and im in the same situation but opposite. the only difference at this point in time is that he’s dated both and I haven't. but thennnn on the other hand, do I even need to label myself at all right now??

even if I did wanna come out, I don't wanna do it until I really have a solid answer about my identity. i just feel like such a fraud or something because im trying to figure it out so late. and like, im going so over the top with my support this year because I feel like I should fit in and maybe im trying too hard? again, I just don't want people thinking its because I dated one trans guy and all of a sudden im huge into the LGBT community. it’s not like that. all of this is just helping me bring out my true self. ugh this is the part where it gets confusing to put into words. i’m aware and I have pure intentions. im just trying to figure out myself after a long time of trying to figure out myself lol

some days the research is overwhelming. there's so many facts and opinions and different people’s stories and labels. as crazy as it sounds I just want someone who’s been gay their whole life to come up and tell me “yup, your bisexual no doubt” lol or something like that. I guess I just want to be validated in my exploration. and i’ve seen random tiktok comments saying stuff like that, that validates me, but the difference is that their comments aren’t directed specifically to me. they don't know me personally. it’s hard to have a random social media comment resonate with me. honestly, and this may sound selfish and not right, but when I was talking to the guy I was seeing, I almost wish he just told me straight out what I was that day. but instead he said I could go to Pride as an ally. and that was probably just him being respectful and not forcing me to be anything, but it almost had the opposite effect on me. by saying I was an ally it felt like he was giving me that permanent label even after telling him I like guys and girls.... ya know?

something recently happened to me that really stuck with me and I was so happy. I have a penpal who is very southern Texas raised religious. she knows the Bible better than I do. I had posted a Pride doodle I did on my Instagram at the beginning of this month and she was the only one who personally responded with an encouraging and supportive dm. if she can support whole heartedly the LGBT community and still love God, then why can't I?? and that's when I trulyyyy knew that I was right and my aunt’s were wrong and I wasn't going insane lol

I wanted to buy a bicurious or pride flag recently. but then was torn when I saw the ally flag (which I also didn't know existed until recently) and the bisexual flag. I know they're just flags but it feels so solid?? like you buy one when you know what you are.... and I don't yet. so I ended up not buying one at all :/

again, there was no purpose to this post because I know no one is going to read it but I just had to type it out into the world so I didn't have to bottle it up anymore.

#lgbt #pride #pride 2020 #lgbt community #bisexual #bi curious #trans #transgender #questioning #sexuality #coming out #me #personal

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paulwalltran · 4 years

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Dungeons and Dragons Loneliness

Another interview with lofi music. Today was a pretty shitty day, alot on my mind. Here to unload.

Today’s mood: Fuck it all...

It’s a mad addiction, a horrendous one. It’s all I think about, it’s all I want to talk about. Or almost anything fantasy related. I’ve recently gotten a little closer with one of my co workers. Delerner Banks, everyone calls him Del. He’s always in the tunnel, and always brings warhammer books to read and do work (whatever it is he’s working on.) We talk about fantasy related things all the time, and sometimes we bounce ideas off each other, feeling out our thoughts of settings and lore. Talking to him about some fantasy before leaving work made me feel alot better. The loneliness inside has been eating at me.

I know it’s salt, I know its jealousy, that I’m mad at my friends. They been hanging out more without me, playing cards and shit. Its not a passion of mine, its fun sometimes, but its still not me. Its what they bond over, its what they do together, and that’s what theyre into. If I had to guess, they’re okay with Dungeons and Dragons, but even my best friend said that I take it too serious. Its fallen out of their favor, it eats up a lot of time, and they each have their version of what a fun campaign would be like. In me, I said to myself, “Fine, fuck it. I’ll have to assemble another crew to play with.” Tough situation then isn’t it? Wanting to play a social game that needs bodies, during an age where social gatherings are frowned upon, because they carry a potential to spread a virus... Still, this is what I want to do. I want a group of friends, who share the same passion I do. My current friends must think ill of me, they may just want to hang out. They think that if they come hang with me, I’ll want a game of DnD without a doubt. They just want to chill and kick it, they don’t want to roll dice. But ask me once and I’ll tell you yes twice, to playing DnD.

I love it with all my heart, all of the contents and materials are here, ready to play. No extra investments, no money needed to be spent, we can get going off of nothing like we did back then. A table top roleplaying game, we started with cardboard and lego figures, and just two books to share. But there was fun to be had, and a few heated sessions. But fun it was, the more we played the deeper i grew fond of the game. I’m even willing to experiment with other systems if I have someone to guide me. With cards, you gotta constantly update your arsenal to keep up with the meta, and let’s be real, not playing anything remotely close to meta isn’t as fun. Different formats allow different decks, and to keep current you gotta keep up. I dont have the fundings for it, I dont have the luck. I would rather buy a module that’ll last for years, versus a pack of cards. I have two books that have skyrocketed in value, cards go up and down like stocks. But thats the appeal I suppose, I don’t care for it though.

Back to the thing at hand, I’m in their group chat as they make plans. I can’t be there for all that. But fuck it, that’s all Im going to say. Fuck it, on repeat, until its engraved into my head. Pride is getting the best of me, I refused to be denied again. If it’s not something they want to do, so be it, I need to look out for me in the end. I must muster up the courage to start playing online again, the first one wasn’t bad, but it fell apart. I need to get the courage to be social, and get over the fear that everyone expects you to be a pro player. I’m scared going into this green still, roll20 isn’t my forte. But if I want to play DnD, this seems to be my only option. It may fulfill my wish, to find friends who are just as passionate as I. My other friends, they’re over on the other side. Its fine, it truly is, they have one another, and I need to be strong. I need to find the strength in this loneliness, even though its tearing me apart. My circle becomes smaller, thats just the way of the world. Adapt to survive, be formless like water...

Dungeons and Dragons, my greatest escape. I can be anybody, and do things I normally can’t. I can clobber up bad guys, indecent folk, and finesse my way out of punishment from the law. I can save a village, a town, a kingdom, when I can hardly save myself. I can fly, cast spells, break locks, imagination is my only limit. I can hoard and amass vast amounts of riches, I myself can even become a dragon. I don’t have to be me, although a bit of me resides in everyone I’ve made before. I can never truly separate myself, from those Ive breathed life into. For hours on end, I can go anywhere, do anything, I melt into the world thats placed before me.

Because the reality is that I’m practically shit, and nobody. The world is fucked up and jacked up and spiraling down the drain. I’m mentally fucked and my physicality is pretty much the same. I’m stuck in place when the world is demanding me to change. I lost with no real direction. No map in hand, no guide, and I’m scared out of my mind. I don’t know whether to trust the process or commit suicide. Im not sure where I’ll end up, if it’s good or bad. Im struggling, I’m suffering, and there seems to be no end. I could say I’m trying, but I would be lying, if I had to look at the brighter side. The positive things in life are so hard to identify. But my emotions are raw and hit hard, slamming against the walls in my skull. Demanding me to give them attention...and attention I give them, as they tear me up. Like being pulled at by the limbs, drawn and quartered is the method it seems like today. I was thinking that I couldn’t drink forever, my body would eventually reject. But what if I drank energy drinks on end, a heart attack to get me out of this place. I can down those all day long, so whats stopping me from taking that way out of it? Less grotesque and violent, it’ll probably be painful as hell. An organ seizing up, as the body ceases the function. I get said thinking about it sometimes, but one day, enough will be enough. But damn that lady...damn her for speaking those words... Tomorrow. If nothing is better by tomorrow, then do as you may. But sleep it off, tomorrow is another day.

It’s not verbatim, but its the gist. Just wait for tomorrow, and hopefully things will change. The choice is still mine to make, and something in me pushes me forward, keeps me going on. Sometimes I think about who I’m leaving behind, and maybe how much it’ll hurt. The evil darkness inside me says that they’ll get over it, they have to, and time doesn’t wait. I won’t be immortalized, I’ll simply end up a statistic. That maybe itll be a few years the sadness remains fresh, but wounds always heal. Discrediting my actual existence, and any form of relations. Like I wouldn’t have made any actual impressions, people don’t weep for me now. People kind of forget I exist already, what makes me think they won’t after I’m gone?

I think about my folks, my grandma, my girlfriend, my second family, and other close dear friends. I think about how many last will letters I would have to put out there, before I call for the curtains. Sometimes, I say I will start writing them, but they give me pause. I end up not wanting to leave this world, after pouring out my heart. Because I don’t want to leave any questions behind for people who matter, I want them to know how I felt before I passed. I want to leave with them apart of me, so they would never forget.

Still it doesn’t change, shit is rough as of lately, work has been eating me up. I feel like Im never hundred percent, and me back on gaming is making it worst. I’ve gotten back onto Elder Scrolls Skyrim, its been my virtual version of DnD. Waiting for the Outer World Expansion, so I can get addicted to that again. All I want to do is play Dungeons and Dragons, the question is how do I make that into a living? I think being a Matthew Mercer is one in a million, I don’t think I’m that great. I’m willing to learn, grow, evolve because it is my passion, but I’m always scared of making mistakes. To be one of the greater Dungeon Masters, to be THE Wizards of the Coast Dungeon Master, it may possibly be the dream. To eat, sleep, breathe, Dee en Dee. My obsession isn’t that crazy though, I’m still behind on the lore of creatures and settings, I haven’t studied at all. But with the right drive and motivation, I would, especially with something as real as a legit group.

Enthusiastic players, who show up every week, bi weekly, once every month even, to play this fantastic game. Group of chill folks who is willing to take the Dungeon Master Mantle with I get burned out and have the desire to be in the player seat. One of those is the driving force, they make me want to plan. They make me want to make the world, the style, everything in general better, with the constructive feedback. I mean it’s been so long as I was a player in a campaign until the end, I’m beginning to think paying for a Dungeon Master wouldn’t be so bad. Once a month? A couple of hours? I mean I’m thinking like seven USD per hour? Eight isn’t bad, but after that it becomes a questionable amount. It repeats in my head, “No DnD is better than Bad DnD”, this much is probably still true. I say still because I still might want at least one session with said game, so I can at least say it was the worst after having attempt it, rolling something. Ha ha, I kid myself, I’m lying because I know the rage would be all to real and caution is my game most of the time. But I mean, I just might have to start exploring the idea, I was definitely going to ask on FaceBook if any Roll20 games was recruiting a newbie.

Alas, today won’t be the last time I speak on the matter, Dungeons and Dragons haunt me everyday. I stare at minis, I stare at the upcoming books and modules, and I watch youtube where they tell RPG Horror Stories, Its become a huge part of my life, such as dancing once was. It almost links right into my earliest talents...writing. I love to write, just like I’m doing now. Im fairly decent at the writing game if I must say. Hey, real life failed Bard here, I should make one who always ends up playing big bro, and end up being friendzoned by all his interests. Im short, so Halfling is very true. Am I charismatic? Who knows, I can’t say for sure. But yes, I feel like this is what I need, a solid weekly game, maybe once every two weeks, hell, once every month would still be great. Something to look forward to the very least, in this life of routine and mundane. Something to look forward to for me, something that’s my own. Something I don’t need my closer friends to be apart of, since they’re not interested anyhow. I’m really talking shit because I’m hella salty, but at least I’m being upfront. Get it all out now, before the typing is done.

It’s been a productive session, I may have to attribute it to Lofi it seems. The Lofi Hip Hop Radio on YouTube, also found on Spotify. Some tracks still strike me deep in the chest, giving me horrible flash backs and feeling in my chest. Others keep me going, forward, almost propelling. I’m currently training myself to be accustomed to the sounds, because I at first was very scared. That it would just transport me to a dark place and keep me there. I’ve been trying to confront my feelings more with this music, I think I felt better after last session like this. The more I faced myself, the better I became. Yes, I most definitely referenced Persona 4, another amazing and loved title because of the message it portrays. I always wondered what my shadow self would look like, and what they would say. But eh another time, I’m about to start rambling again. I have to conclude here, before I get off topic.

Until next time Tumblr...

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fearfilledvirgil · 6 years

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Ivity and Anx: part fourteen

Summary: Virgil listends to the song that Princey posted in his living room. Things go to hell.

Warnings: accidental self isolation, breif mention of migraines, parental abuse, attempt of muder, a knife, self-blame, self-depreciation, guilt

Word count: 5130

Pairing: Slowburn Prinxiety, lots of platonic Analogical

A/N: HI I RECORDED A SONG FOR THIS PART AND I’M SHAKING. Anyways listen to this song which is a recording of the song that Princey sings. But with my voice. And yes, I made Roman have the same guitar as I do because I’m emoTIONALLY ATTACHED okay? The video is bad, but just pretty please listen to it and read the chapter or both at once I don’t know. If you know how it sounds it gives the words a bit more meaning than just random poetry. Anyways. This chapter is very emotionally taxing and sad. It made several beta readers cry. Good luck. Taglist under the cut.

masterlist

Taglist: @rileyfirstname @verymuchanidiot @definentlynotjustanotherlemon @silversmith-91 @kanejandkruge @sander-fander-sides @lovecrazyjennybear @the-incedible-sulk @hexdream18243 @crows-with-hats @monikastec @definenormalifyoucan @i-am-absolute-fandom-trash @applecannibal @cats-with-blogs @bubblycricket @witchcraft--and--wizardry @bunnyartie @quietlypondering @elusivefalsehoods @hghrules @royallyanxious @quietwords-loudthoughts @squishynonbinarytwink @sortablue @illogical-anxieties @savingshae @a-fander-named-skittles @thelowlysatsuma @ughthatsprettygay @im-so-infinitesimal @certifiedtrashxx @karmels-stuff @littlelogicstillcounts @musicqueen1239 @nicological1 @the-average-loner

Today had been a long day, but that wasn’t unusual. Long days were a common thing for Logan since he moved into his college dorm, but that was mostly his fault. Classes hadn’t started yet, for either Logan or his friends going into their junior year, but that didn’t mean that Logan hadn’t started studying yet. The seventeen-almost-eighteen year old would spend several hours a day at the library, reading his textbooks and teaching himself the material for the classes to come. He also kept detailed and clean notes, something that made him happy.

His notes served a few purposes for Logan. It was a way to destress, it let out his creativity in a productive way, it helped him remember what he studied, and it provided him something to put on his Tumblr along with his bullet journal. He had what was called a studyblr, and was fairly popular. When he followed Virgil without telling him what his blog was, the younger nearly had a heart attack.

Logan’s pen stopped in the middle of the sentence he was writing. Virgil. He hadn’t talked to the younger in a while, which honestly scared him. The two used to be inseparable, considering that both were on the outskirts of the social game. Logan was always diving into books, and Virgil was always avoiding people at all costs. Now, though, with Logan off at college and burying himself in his books again, the two weren’t talking as much. Come to think of it, he hadn’t talked to Patton in a while. That was an oddity as well, since the excitable man loved talking to him. Logan loved talking to him. The college student felt a dip in his stomach, probably because of guilt. He was so busy studying at the library that he had begun to forget his friends.

A text tone interrupted the classical music streaming through his headphones, making him pause. A light of hope flickered inside his mind, because just maybe, it was one of his friends deciding to break the silence. He didn’t even realize how much he missed them these past few months until now.

Patton Heart <3: Hey Logan! I think you probably should check this out. It’s totally about Virgil, but you know more about the situation then I do.

After the first text, Patton sent with it a link to a video on YouTube. Logan was certainly confused, but once he clicked the link to preview the video, he understood. Roman posted a video, most likely unedited, of a song about Virgil.

Logos Brain: Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I will alert Virgil. How have you been, Patton? I apologize for my momentary absence. I have been settling in here and regrettably forgot to talk.

Patton Heart <3: It’s okay!! I’m glad you’re settling in well. Make any friends?

Logos Brain: No one could replace you, Heart

Logan could not see, but Patton was flapping his arms everywhere at that comment. It gave him peace of mind knowing that Logan felt so strongly about him, even though he was known for not having any feelings. It made Patton warm and fuzzy inside, like most things that Logan said. What Logan could see, though, was his own phone pulling up Virgil’s contact and sending him the link to the video.

Pocket Protector: Virgil, Roman wrote a song about you. You may want to check it out.

Honorary Brother: Oh. Okay. Thank you Lo Sorry we haven't been texting

Pocket Protector: Its my fault. I was neglecting my friends in favor of studying

Honorary Brother: This is why I usually am the buffer. Taking ten minute breaks every half an hour? For your head?

Pocket Protector: Yes, Virgil. I promise.

Virgil was usually the one causing Logan to worry, but that didn’t mean that he didn’t worry about him too. The elder had an skill for getting headaches after reading or concentrating for too long. If he let the headache go without treating it, there was a more than likely chance that he would get a migraine. If it got to that point, little would stop the pain, and the migraine would persist for hours, or even days. That’s why Virgil made Logan have the ten for thirty rule.

Virgil shifted on the couch, trying to get more comfortable as he clicked on the YouTube link. He knew it was Roman, but he didn’t know how he could write a song about him of all people and be able to pass it by the record label. As soon as the video loaded, though, Virgil understood.

The title of the video was ‘Psychic, an Original Song by Roman Prince’ and opened with Roman pulling his arm away from the camera. He was sitting in a mostly dark room, fairy lights behind him, with his guitar resting on his legs. His head was almost out of frame, but the bottom half of his face was visible. Virgil sucked in a breath as Roman started talking on the video.

“I just want to start out with saying that this video is currently in no way related to Vidomen Records or any of it’s associates. I actually just wrote this song like… ten minutes ago, but I just.... I need to get this out. So. This is called Psychic.” Roman’s voice was soft, spoken with care and in his lower register. Virgil suddenly became aware that he did not, in fact, have his headphones in, and was making a loud commotion in the living room by playing the video.

Be seen not heard. Or, better yet, don’t be fucking seen either, but don’t leave this house, ya hear? The booming echo of the memory of his father’s voice made a shiver fall down Virgil’s spine. He quickly turned down the volume as low as it could go without being off. He then put the phone up to his ear, closed his eyes, and listened to Roman’s smooth voice begin to sing.

It’s almost like he can read by thoughts But I wish you could too All these emotions and things inside That I’m trying to get through to you.

Virgil’s heart plunged into his gut at the sheer emotion in the words that Roman sang. They were taken straight from Princey’s own heart, which made Virgil understand why he put the disclaimer at the beginning of the video. It was nothing like his usual, peppy, flamboyant songs. This song was pure Roman. Virgil held onto the phone harder as the slower chorus played through the small speakers.

If you could be inside my mind Then I wouldn’t have to try To put my pride aside And tell you the truth But the truth is hard to get out When it falls on closed ears So can you be psychic for me? Can you be psychic for me?

Roman took another breath to continue singing, but Virgil’s phone was knocked away from him. Fear stabbed him in the heart and gripped his lungs to make it hard to breath. His eyes widened, adrenaline pumping through his veins as his father grabbed his wrist. He was pulled off the couch, tossed down to the floor.

Vaguely, he could hear Roman continue singing with, “I know that you’re terrified.”

“What did I tell you about making noise?” Virgil’s father growled as he stepped closer to his son, who was now on the floor.

A little ways away, Roman continued singing with, “Because you’ve been cast aside.”

“I-I’m sorry, sir.” Virgil started to stutter, but was stopped from further apology by a kick to his side. The fear inside his chest was pushing at his rib cage, almost begging to be released. It was pounding, hard and fast like nothing he had ever felt before. He didn’t understand the difference in this punishment. It had started out just like all the others, so why was his adrenaline at an all time high? Why was he so scared, but not of the man leaning over him?

“Tell me what I told you!” the father figure yelled, his fists clenching as he stepped on Virgil’s wrist.

In the distance, Roman finished the chorus with, “Your feelings were twisted for fun. Words like bullets from my gun.”

It was at this moment that Virgil finally came to a screeching halt. Roman’s voice flowed into his ears as he sang the bridge again, somehow becoming louder with every passing second. Everything around him dimbed, the loudness of his father screaming his sentence again diminishing as his ears started ringing. The world was starting to go into some sort of slow motion, allowing Virgil to rethink over the decision that his mind had already made the moment that the phone was slapped out of his hand. Now he realised why this time was different. This time, he had Roman’s voice with him, a voice that he had once hated but learned to love. It was the soft tone that the singer used to comfort the other on those late night calls, and it was with him in this moment. This time was different because Roman unintentionally just accidently gave him hope. He didn’t understand why the lying boy would write this song, but it struck a chord inside Virgil. He didn’t register the dryness of his mouth or the pain in his wrist. All Virgil could think about was the word stuck in his throat, leaning off the tip of his tongue.

“No.”

“What?” Virgil’s father took a step back in shock. He hadn’t heard that word pass from his son’s lips since before his mother died. “What the fuck did you say?’”

“I said,” Virgil sat up from the floor, his hand finding his phone that was still playing the song and placing it in his back pocket. He was standing now, straightening his back with a slight bit of pain to be taller than his father. He was working on auto pilot, the world still fuzzy. “No.”

Thanks to the odd sensation of not actually being in his body that Virgil was experiencing, everything that followed was a blur. There were loud words, dodged punches, and spit flying everywhere. That much was processed in his head. Virgil was vaguely aware that he was also yelling, but what of, he didn’t have a solid grip. The words passing off his tongue felt like he was calling his dad out about being a drunk, and calling him out on how he treated his own son, but he couldn’t be exactly sure.

Before Virgil could acknowledge it, he had screamed his throat raw. His father’s eyes were glaring daggers at him, wide and seething. He could only see red. Virgil, on the other hand, was coming back down to earth, and the hope in his stomach was washing away. Every ounce of confidence that may had been left fully disappeared when his father reached over the kitchen counter. He didn’t realize that they had moved so close to the kitchen in their fighting, and Virgil was going to pay for that.

Mr. Sanders drew his hand back, revealing a long silver kitchen knife. Virgil’s heart rate suddenly skyrocketed, his hands beginning to shake even more than they were. His father took a step closer, which made Virgil take a step back.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t- I didn’t mean…” His eyes were glued onto the knife. “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry won’t fucking cut it,” His father was advancing quicker. He adjusted his grip on the knife. “You need to be taught a lesson.”

Virgil attempted to back away again, but instead fumbled over the couch. His back hit the cushions, but he was immediately attempting to scramble away. His father was still approaching with some sort of sick gleam in his eyes. Was this his plan all along? To get him to fight back, only to stab his chest to hear him scream and see the light leave his eyes? Did he hate him that much, that he’d kill him? Virgil fell off the couch, too caught up in the dark thoughts to notice the end of the sofa. The floor came up too quickly, and suddenly he was eating carpet. He heard his dad snicker behind him, dark and menacing. This was too much, this was too much and Virgil could not take it.

Somehow, he managed to get up off the floor. It was messy and ungraceful, but he grabbed his hoodie laying on the ground while getting up from the floor. With his hoodie in hand, and his phone in his back pocket, now all he had to do was get the fuck out of the apartment. Of course, Mr. Sanders had other plans than to let his son escape that easily. He follows Virgil menacingly, the glint in his eye growing as he started to raise the knife.

“I’ve been too lenient to you. It’s time you get what you deserve.” he said, looking at the knife and looking toward his son. Virgil’s vision swarmed in and out, his breathing all but stopped.

The next few moments would stay in Virgil’s mind the rest of his days. They played out in slow motion, frame by frame, as it happened.

Mr. Sanders lunged quite quickly, but it didn’t feel quick at all. Virgil eyed the knife, sharp and threatening, as it darted toward his chest. Before he could think, Virgil began to turn to the side, his eyes never leaving the intentional divits in the glinting silver. As he was trying to get away from the plunging knife, Virgil put his arms out in front of him. While he turned, his arms did too, which was both a good thing and a bad thing. The knife missed its mark on Virgil’s chest, but it still sliced through his upper arm. A small scream ripped from Virgil’s throat as it did so, but he pressed on. Since his arms were moving forward as he twisted, the knife was pressed deeper into his arm. But after it passed through his flesh, Virgil’s arms connected with his father’s body and pushed away.

Afterward, time sped up.

Virgil was running. His breathing was quick, coming in bigger gasps then before. He fumbled with the door for only a moment before it was open and he was running. He was going down the concrete stairs ten times faster than he usually did, only bent on getting away from the apartment. He needed to get away, even though he knew that he would eventually have to return. But for tonight, he ran like there was no tomorrow.

That was, at least, until his panic driven state began to wash away. His lungs burned, as did his legs, but at least he was away. Virgil took a second to gauge where he was. Upon looking around, he concluded that he was in Logan’s neighborhood. His legs must have carried him here due to muscle memory. Virgil thought that was okay for the moment until he realized something very important. Logan was not here. Without Logan, Virgil had no one. And, now that the fight or flight response had eased up, he just realized how much pain his arm was in.

So Virgil did the only thing he knew how to do: call Logan.

Once seated semi-comfortably on a bench in the neighborhood park nearby, Virgil attempted to pull his jacket on to attempt to keep the chill of night at bay. He took out his phone and sighed. More cracks had formed when he fell over the couch.

“Please still fucking work.” Virgil pushed the button to unlock his phone and let out a sigh of relief when it still turned on. He went to Logan’s contact number and hit the call button.

Logan picked up after two rings. “Good evening, Virgil.”

“Hey Lo.”

Logan could hear in Virgil’s voice that he was crashing from the adrenaline. ��Is everything alright?”

Virgil considered lying for a moment. He knew that Logan could read him like a book, even over the phone, so he decided against it. “No. It’s not. It fucking sucks.”

“Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?” When he didn’t get an answer, Logan decided to try something different. “Gauge?”

Virgil sighed. He was simultaneously grateful and hateful at just how well his friend knew him. “Eight and a half.”

“What happened?”

Virgil took a breath, his grip on his phone tightening. “Knife.”

There was shuffling at the other side of the line. “Virgil, Virgil, you need to get it looked at. It’s not something that I can help you with where I am.”

“I know that, Logan, but you know I can’t go to the hospital.”

“I know. There is someone else you can go to,” There was a pause, then the opening and closing of a door. “Someone who has helped you through a lot.”

“Don’t fucking say it.”

“Virgil.” The tone was testing, but Virgil didn’t care at the moment.

“No, Logan. I can’t.” Virgil shook his head even though he knew Logan couldn’t see. “Not after this long of time. He probably fucking hates me. He’s probably planning how to make next year a living hell.”

“He misses you.”

Three simple words. Something Virgil never thought he’d hear about Roman. Did Patton talk to Logan about it? Is that how Logan knew that Roman missed him? Logan wasn’t one to say or do anything without some facts behind it so it wasn’t a gut feeling.

“You don’t know that, Logan.”

“Yes I do. Patton’s said so. Several times.” At the moment, it sounded as though Logan was walking rather quickly. “Patton even told me that Roman’s tried reaching out to you.”

“Roman hates me. He’s out to make my life a living hell.”

Logan pinched the bridge of his nose, but kept walking. “Do I honestly need to read to you a list of reasons for you to go to him?”

“You don’t have one of those ready, Pocket Protector.”

“Actually, I do. Give me a moment.”

Virgil shouldn’t have been surprised, considering that Logan was crazy over lists and notes. He would comprise one full of pros and cons about Roman. Sighing, Virgil put a little pressure on the cut, hoping to stop a little of the bleeding. There was a sound on the other end of the line of a door opening and closing again. Then came the ruffling of papers.

“Are you ready, Virgil?” Logan asked a few moments later.

“Do I have a choice?”

“No.”

“Didn’t think so. List away.”

“I’m ignoring that. Some of the pros of going and talking to Roman include: He knows about your past and would be least likely to completely, um, ‘lose it’ if you showed up bleeding. Roman also has been able to help keep you calm in moments of excessive alarm. Occasionally even more capable at it than I am. You are also very comfortable with him. At least you were before you realized who he was. You trust him to some extent. And I believe that he has no intention of hurting you.”

“Wait. Did you just say ‘I believe’?” Virgil couldn’t help but point that out.

“Based off of evidence I have collected, yes.”

“And what evidence would that be?” As much as he hated to admit it, he was curious about what would cause Logan to say that.

“One example would be that he told Patton that he ‘had ruined everything’ and ‘it was all his fault.’”

Virgil didn’t know how to respond to that. It was the last thing that he expected Roman Prince to say about him. He never thought that Roman would go so far as to blame himself. He thought that Roman would laugh about the experience and use it as more fuel against him.

“Virgil?” Logan’s voice broke Virgil out of his thoughts.

“Sorry, what?”

“I said would you like more evidence?”

“No, thank you. I don’t want want to hear the page and a half of evidence you probably have on that one point.”

“It is a page and a quarter.”

“Whatever you say.” Virgil couldn’t help the slight smile that was on his face. He missed talking with Logan so much.

“Anyway. Roman would also find a way to help you without making you go to the hospital. And just talking to him would be enough to, uh, pay him back.”

“Based off what Patton said I’m guessing?”

“Precisely. Though it is a possible con in he may not want to talk to you. It was a few months ago that Patton told me this.”

“Any other cons?”

Virgil heard the shuffling of pages from the other line again. “He could be upset that you didn’t let him explain himself. He could be upset that you broke off all ties. However it’s hypothesized that sitting down and talking to him about why will rectify that. Actually almost all of the cons I have written could be corrected by just talking to him.”

“Almost all?” Virgil’s curiosity got the better of him.

“The one outcome that wouldn’t be corrected is if he truly never cared for you, which seems highly illogical. I believe that there is an infinitesimal chance that talking to him will work.”

“Logan. Buddy. That’s not encouraging.”

“Why not? I am simply saying that there is a great chance that if you talk to him things will be alright.”

“Not that ‘infinitesimal’ means Lo.”

Virgil couldn’t help but chuckle when he heard Logan typing away quickly at his computer. He could almost imagine the look of disbelief on the other’s face. The sputtering from the other line proved that Logan was at a loss for words at misusing the term.

“I...deeply apologize for that, Virgil.”

“‘S all good. I knew you didn’t mean it.” There was a pause. “So you really believe it’s a good idea to go to Roman?”

“I truly do. While he may be arrogant, I do not believe that he will turn you away. He’s prideful but he still has a heart.”

“Alright. If he does I expect a major apology.”

“I promise.”

Virgil took a deep breath and was about to hit the end call button when something stopped him. It was some emotion he hadn’t felt in a long time. After pondering it for a minute, Virgil realized it was pride. He was proud of what he was going to tell Logan.

“I stood up to him.” Virgil whispered as he got up from the bench.

“What do you mean?” Logan asked, fearing the answer.

“My father. I... I stood up to him”.

“That’s… That’s good, Vee. If you did, I think it’s all the mor--”

“That’s not it, Logan.” Virgil cut off his friend. He was now standing near the bench, not ready to leave the familiar place yet.

“What’s not ‘it?’” Logan sounded worried. There was another shift on the other side of the line, signifying that he put down his papers.

“It all happened so fast, or slow, I don’t know. He may not have but... I turned and the-the-the blade went deep into my arm and…” Virgil took a deep breath to attempt to steady his heavily beating heart. He couldn't get it out. He couldn’t.

“You’re probably bleeding far worse than I anticipated because of, of your bravery,” Logan moved the phone to his other ear. “You did stand up to him, that’s what matters. And I’m.. I’m extremely proud of you.”

“Yeah but now my jacket is going to be soaked in blood.” Virgil joked as he started walking again. He heard a muffled ‘Jesus Christ’ on the other end of the line which made him crack a smile.

“If you do not go to Roman I will fly home and personally drag you kicking and screaming to the hospital and then to his house.” Concern was clear in Logan’s voice.

Virgil knew Logan well enough to know he meant it. “I’m already off the bench and out of the park. You’re just lucky the two of you don’t live that far apart.”

“We what now?”

“I ran into your neighborhood. Muscle memory I guess.”

“I am… sorry that I am not there to help you.” Regret was clear in Logan’s voice. He wished the world that he could be there to help protect his friend.

“Its okay. You’ve got collage, and… Like I said, he only lives a few blocks away.” Virgil was lying. He was lying so hard that it hurt. But he had to, because he couldn’t spend his entire life dependant on Logan. He had enough of Virgil’s bullshit and pain. He deserved a normal life full of learning, possibly love, without Virgil weighing him down. That’s all he ever did, really, was weigh him down. If Virgil hadn’t been so stupid as to go to his house all those years ago, hurt and afraid, then Logan’s life could have been free from pain. The most he had to worry about was love and knowledge. But no, Virgil had to ruin all of that.

“Virgil, talk to me.” Logan cut through Virgil’s internal thoughts. He seemed to do that a lot.

“What? Sorry, spaced out.”

“You worry me. I asked if you want me to stay on the phone with you?” Worry was even more evident in Logan’s voice than before.

Virgil pulled his hood up to hopefully block some of the wind as he turned onto the main street. It was late, past midnight at least, so there wasn’t too many cars to disturb the call. “Maybe? I don’t know. It sounded like I took you away from something.”

“That was… nothing really important. A dorm activity.”

“That you liked or not?” You fucking idiot Virgil. He was doing normal college stuff and you couldn’t even let him do that. Stupid.

“It was okay. I met this mess of a man, Nate, who scares me with how much he procrastinates.”

“So… ProcrastiNATE.”

“I hate you.” Logan couldn’t help the slightly fond smile despite his annoyance at the pun.

“Come on, you love me.”

“You’re right. I do. A lot, honorary little bro.”

“Did you just call me ‘bro?’ What has college done to you?” Virgil teased his best friend. No, that wasn’t right. Logan was his brother. They were closer than blood could ever make them.

“I tried! But honestly, you’re still Honorary Brother in my contacts.”

Virgil was silent for a few moments before he regained himself. “That means a lot to me, Lo.”

“I know it does, Virge.”

Virgil was still concerned that he messed up an important part of Logan’s experience at college. “Are you sure that I’m not taking you away from anyone right now?”

A knock on a door at Logan’s end of the call gave him his answer. “One moment.”

“Sure.”

Logan removed the phone from his ear and covered the speaker to hopefully minimize what Virgil could hear. He sat up from the chair at his desk to approach the door. Upon opening it, the man that he talked about to Virgil was standing there. Logan furrowed his eyebrows in confusion before raising one as to ask ‘what are you doing here?’

“Oh, good, this is your dorm. Okay.” Nate pushed up his sunglasses and leaned against the doorframe.

“What do you want? I’m a bit preoccupied.” Logan was annoyed, that much was clear. Virgil was just able to make out his words, which made him feel even more guilty than he already was.

“Dude, you left right in the middle of a conversation. And said something about a hospital. We worried.” the concern in Nate’s voice actually seemed genuine, at least to Logan.

“I’m helping out a friend of mine, its-” Logan was promptly cut off by Virgil on the other end of the line.

“Logan! Go back to the meeting thing!” Virgil half-yelled into the phone, hoping that his friend would hear him. “I’m almost there anyway.” That wasn’t the full truth, but it was close enough to the truth that Logan wouldn’t mind anyway.

Nate looked down at Logan’s phone, then back up to the younger with a smirk. “And the friend agrees with me. Come on, tell ‘em goodbye and come back! Brian’s about to talk school stuff and by the looks of ya, you’d like that.”

“Go, Logan!” Virgil yelled again. Logan brought his phone back up to his ear for the second part of Virgil’s sentence. “Besides, a dude named Brian? That’s gotta be cool. He has your last name as a name.”

“Yeah, well, you’re more important,” Nate gave him a goofy smile, to which Logan responded by tearing the phone away from his face and saying, “Not like that, you, uh, you...”

“Buffoon?” Virgil supplied.

“Buffoon! Wait, Vee, what does that even mean?” Nate watched these two sortof interact with a happy glint in his eye. They were good friends. Even he could tell.

“Dunno. Now go.”

“Fine. Goodbye, Virgil. Please call me if you need more assistance. Text me when you get there.”

“Will do, Lo. Talk to you later.” Virgil’s grip on his phone tightened. They were doing the dance of who will hang up again.

“Good luck.” Neither wanted to do it. Logan wanted to provide support, while Virgil didn’t want to let go of familiarity and the comfort of Logan’s voice. But he had to.

“You too.” Virgil said with finality before removing the phone from his face and pressing the end call button. Just like that, his fate was sealed.

Not only that, but Virgil knew that his phone was dying. He didn’t have time to grab anything other than his sweatshirt. No charger, no change of clothes, no wallet, no earbuds, no nothing. Virgil took a look at the time, and his battery, before placing it in his back pocket again. No earbuds meant no music, and no music meant that his mind was free to wander.

This was not a good thing, despite what some people might think. Virgil’s mind wandering was never good. Now he had the chance to think over all the reasons why Roman hated him, and why he would definitely turn him away. Virgil walked on like this, pain in his upper arm and worrying thoughts in his mind. It took everything in his being not to think himself creepy for knowing the way. The boy had given the younger his address willingly at some point after their split. Virgil saved it, most likely because of the lingering hope in his heart. Soon enough, he would reach the one place he never thought he’d actually go: Roman Prince’s house.

next part

Shoutout to the amazing @lovecrazyjennybear! She helped me a ton with this chapter (specifically most of Logan and Virgil’s conversation), and even more chapters to come. You are an amazing beta reader and an even more amazing friend! (and writer, and editer, and all the ideas you have. you are amazing all around)

#fail’s writing #virgil sanders #logan sanders #roman sanders #patton sanders #sanders sides incorrect quotes #virgil angst #tw abuse #tw murder #so yeah you all get to hear my singing voice and see part of my face #cool

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jordantanevisualessay · 3 years

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Nicolas Connor Barnes

My mom named me after the actor Nicolas Cage and I hate it, its horrible. Also my dad apparently named me after Sinéad O'Connor you know who she is? the one who sang “Cause nothing compares to you” that girl who is now a crack head so my dad just pulled her last name and put it in mine. Anyway that’s my name.

Tell me about your family?

My Mom’s family is a bunch of crack heads. My dad’s side obviously don’t know my dad, but I still keep in contact with my Aunty, Uncle, Grandma and Grandpa from that side. My mom was a single mom, she remarried. But besides all that they are all from Australia and just plain white.

Describe your aesthetic

Extra , Boujee, Colourful would you say I’m colourful

What do you mean by colourful?

Like I have a lot of colours, like yellows and blues and purples.

Oh like you’re colour palette?

Yes, so yeah I said colourful, would you describe my style as designer? Like is that a thing?

What designer brands are you into?

Gucci, Louis Vuitton, love me some Prada, Dior, Chanel, Dolce, Versace, Bottega Venetta, Jimmy Choo, Fendi, I could be here all day.

So just anything designer essentially?

Of course

So obviously we have known each other since high school, and we have seen a lot of our friends change dramatically, so my question is do you think you have changed since high school up until now? Or even seen a change during high school?

I think I have definitely started to come out of my shell more, like I felt more comfortable to kind of wear what I want, I don’t give a fuck now, like I don’t care if you don’t like it, If I wanted to wear a fur coat to class bitch I will and I’ve done it.

Through this project I have been reflecting back in year 9 till like both of us in our 2nd year of Uni

Oh I had terrible style in year 9, actually I think we all did, we all thought we were hot fly and sexy.

How would you describe your sense of humour?

Certainly very dark and inappropriate, but also like I find very immature things quite funny. You know actually imma go real deep here, the reason I think I enjoy immature jokes is cause I never got the chance to be immature as a kids and that’s a fact. Hit the dong on the head with that. But yeah that’s the thing with you and I, feel like we both missed out on our childhood’s and kind of being a kid almost, so yeah that’s probably why I’m the way I am. I find certain stuff really funny but at the same time very mature for my age.

Do you feel like people don’t like that?

Mainly people would just say oh you can’t laugh at that. But I would generally say it turns some people off but at the same time I don’t really care, I’ll do what I want.

In regards to your humour and perdsonality do you feel like you need to hold back at times?

I just don’t care. If you don’t like my humour you can just fuck off somewhere else. Like what I find very self deprecating humour funny some people obviously don’t and like I find that very funny and if don’t like it its not my problem.

So tell me, what are your influences?

In terms of what like in life?

Yeah, before we get into like you’re aesthetic influences, I would love to know your life influences or even you why

Definitely my mother, 100% my mom and also just my self influence of wanting to do well for myself. But its definitely because of my mom I am where I’m at, she’s the only influence I need.

What actually got you into designer clothes?

This is going to sound really stupid, but around the time of year 11 was when I started to become interested in it. And around that time I started watching, this is so terrible, I started watching you know house wives and all of their designer wear, it was all a different world to me. So I would be like ooh I like that and would google it have a look at the website and find more stuff and then it was a continuous thing, each week a new episode would come out you would see it. Also a lot of the music I listen to its all about the Gucci bags and all of that. It wasn’t until about year 13 my last year of high school I started to watch more Youtube luxury videos of like unboxings, but yeah in year 13 was when I was like I really want these things but can’t afford them. And I actually started to buy fake designer items. And that was around about 6 months and then I stopped, got myself a nice little collection, then once we came out of lockdown the following year, I had all this money and I was like you know what I always wanted to go and buy something and that’s where it started and it hasn’t stopped. So now I don’t buy any fake designer items my stuff is real. A lot of people can call me shallow or whatever but in a way that’s what I put value and that’s my pride, happy and joy.

Do you feel like you value objects more than people?

Yes omg facts, and they wont turn your back on you they will be right where you left them yesterday.

I know you mentioned before that one of your first designer influences was house wives, what actually got you into the show?

I still watch them, it was because I had a lot going on for me personally during that time, and for me that show even today its the same reason, you see a bunch of people fighting all the time, they go on holiday, they go shopping, and that is a life, not like what I want to have but a life you can almost live by curiously through, so I can put my shit on the side and invest in someone else’s drama, cause its not my drama so I can watch you fight and its not my problem. And it just spiralled out of control but like I have a picture of fucking Lil’ Kim on my wall dressed in Chanel like she is obviously an influence on me and so is foxy brown. And if whoever asked who are your style icons and I know they are woman and we cannot wear the same things, I mean we could but it would be very strange, but those are my style influences.

I know in this day of age a lot of people are crossing those gender boundaries when it comes to style, is that something you would want to explore?

Like would I want walk across the street in heels, no. Thats not for me but I generally feel once I move out of home, cause my mom does make some comments on what I buy and decide to wear, but once I do move out of home I will be able to wear more. Im not huge on purses or anything like that not for me. Honey I sit there all the time looking at them, like they are so beautiful. But still not for me, but still there are some for when I do move out of home then I may be able to start looking into that more. I more kind of want to explore that unisex area of more feminine fashion but also masculine at the same time. I wouldn’t go for a purse which is feminine but I just want that balance.

Would you use/wear a purse or like have them on display?

Like look at my Chanel bag I’ve never warn, but yeah once I do move out of home there are bags I do want like the Chanel Boy bag, its not a super feminine its more one of the masculine bags they have but it certainly not a ‘guys’ bag. It’s probably one of those things that I will grow into at some stage.

Theres certainly a scale of some kind of masculinity and Femininity what are your personal thoughts on that and where would you fall on that scale?

Personally for me, Im certainly not the most masculine fellow out there but there are way more feminine people than me as well, but I would say I’m in the middle but leaning more towards the masculine. Im certainly in that middle point because there are some part of me that can be quite feminine.

So yeah back when we talked about Influences you talked about housewives and but then mentioned a bit about music so tell me more

I listen to a lot of current things when I was young like whatever Britney Spears had put out, whatever was just on the radio, we didn’t have Spotify or anything like that, and then it go into 2014 I got very interested in Nicki Minaj, she’s kind of into her fashion as well but I didn’t really take any notice of her. This is really strange but I found out about Lil’ Kim cause they both had beef, instantly liked Lil’ Kim more than Niki Minaj, and that’s when I began to notice she was a bit more out there. One of the first songs I listened to by Lil’ Kim the first line was “Being the first rap bitch to rock Chanel” and it was just very prevalent, and even all of her outfits and everything was very extra.

What Is the main difference between Lil’ Kim and Niki Minaj?

Honestly they are quite similar to each other, and thats why they had problems. For example Doja Cat, I almost would say Niki Minaj, Cardi B and Doja Cat are in the same box in terms of how they are very poppy, rappy. But Lil’ Kim is outta of the hood, and she’s never really done like pop music its very hardcore rap. Same with Foxy Brown, again all hardcore rap and even some of their music has heavy depth. I was thinking there’s a quote by Foxy Brown “And if you only knew I hold my minks at nights with cheap, Or no other hands can hold me right” Things like that are just like ouch, like I feel that. Obviously they are both very like into their designer labels so I was like me too. I just love that they don’t keep it PG and I can relate to that as I’m very outspoke myself. I just love me some hood music.

Yeah and you just started recently going clubbing now too

Yeah I got to the point where I was like you know what I need to experience it at least once before I’m too old, and now I just keep going. I actually saw old videos of me slut dropping and back in that moment I thought I was hot as fuck but after seeing that not anymore.

What Clubs do you go to?

One of the first places I went to was Shadows which in enjoyed since they played early 2000s music I was all up in on that. Went to Ding Dong, it was creepy, didn’t like it, it was a very satanic vibe. It was an underground bar with a bunch of strip polls and shit like that, it was weird. Bar 101 is terrible, been once and never again. Went to Cassette for like 4 hours, Cassette was so much fun and then I went to Family Bar for like the rest if the night. But yeah my main bar/club is Family Bar. Even though there is just drugs everywhere shirtless people like where am I.

What you mentioned before about once you move out and have more freedom where do you see yourself in that future ahead?

Hopefully I will be graduated by then. I really don’t think my style is going to changed its just going to be more of it. Alot more outfits, shoes, bags, hopefully some diamonds. Love me some diamonds. Me as a person, I don’t think I’m going to change much either, I say that because I look at everyone else I grew up with especially from high school I would say everyone changed completely compared to myself, some for better some for worst. I’ve felt like I’ve been consistent with who I am, so I don’t think that’s gonna change. I’ve never had that rebellious phase that most of us goes through. I had to keep it real, having that childhood innocence taken from you and having to be mature early on, theres no room for that rebellious side, there’s so many bigger things in life than just vaping and doing that shit. But like I still have my fun you know, just have my head screwed on straight.

How have you coped with this current lockdown?

I’ll be honest with you, I’ve really struggled with this lockdown. Like I just don’t wanna do anything, I will literally just sit here dead sad, so I just start drinking and I will just drink, like last night I got fucked. I’ve drank everyday, I’ve finished a bottle of grey goose in a couple of days. I’m just really struggling but I know once this lockdown is over, my life will pick itself over. Im not worried I will become like an alcoholic or something but its been rough.

Tell me about your Instagram Lux with Nico

Oh no, oh god, okay well its my Instagram page, which I haven’t on for a long time. It was a way for me to get into the community of designer lovers, like I’ve met some amazing people through it. Especially here in New Zealand, people don’t really get the whole designer thing. My mom is always like what the fuck, why do you need this, and a lot of my friends don’t understand it either but they kind of accepted it but I do feel some sort of judgement from some people, they just don’t get it. So its nice to have that community not in a bragging kind of way like omg I brought a Gucci bag, and there’s other people excited for you and when they get something you get excited for them, and its a nice community to be apart of it. You get to see a lot of other peoples things and they get to see yours and you can get into those conversations. It’s nice but it always does has it dark side to it, its like a blog and you are wanting that blog to grow and they only way for it to grow is when you buy things. So I felt this kind of self pressure to be like “omg I haven’t gotten anything a new thing in like a week, what am I gonna post” so then I would go look at Prada like go looking for anything to buy just so I can upload something, to keep growing my account. Cause I did this everyday for awhile, and I just ran out of things. You look at other peoples accounts and they buy like Louis Vuitton bag like every week. I came to realise that was very fucking stupid, you should only buy things that you want and can afford. So yeah there is that dark side to it and you can go down that hole, you feel like you have to buy things for other people to look at. Which really it’s not what it’s about.

Do you wish to continue with that account and going into that social media realm?

I do, but I got this point where I ran out of things to post about. Like do I start posting pictures of the same thing but in a different angle? I mean I’ve brought things that I haven’t posted. But for me if i’m going to start posting again, I want it to be regular thing. And yeah I can post maybe weekly and space it out but you can’t really grow your account, you need to be very consistent if you want your account to really grow. I got to like 300 followers in a month, like I know that’s not huge and that’s even 3 times that what I have on my own personal account. After awhile the numbers were kind of slowish because you reach all the people that are interested in your shit. More people did come and I even had people like I had this girl who did custom designs on designer items and I had people like that who reached out to me, being like “oh we love your collection, we would love to do this for you etc” that’s stuff is nice and all but I did get to the point where I was like I don’t know what else to do here.

Using your imagination is there anything else you would love to do besides posting of your designer items etc? Like even create your own stuff?

I would love to make my own collection of something, actually I would love to sell shoes, like design my own shoes. Would love love to do that, but then i’m like how would even start that sort of thing, would people even buy my shit.

Would you say your favourite designer item is shoes?

Well, the only things i’ve brought this year have been all shoes. I mean I love my shoes, that’s my thing.

And on top of all of that your studying psychology

Yeah I’m wanting to get into the Clinical side of psychology, I’m currently in my 2nd year doing a bachelor of Psychology at University of Auckland. I think the reason of me wanting to get into that field stems from childhood things, like all of the people studying psychology are fucked up so. But yeah I would love to help someone else and give them that second chance. Currently at the moment we are doing a section on relationships and intimacy, I would love to be a relationship therapist that would be great, like that to me is super interesting.

Why are you more interested in the relationship side of psychology?

Don’t know really, just very interesting to me, seeing how relationships work through its ups and downs and all that kind of stuff. And for order for me to get into Clinical I will need to get a PHD and write a whole thesis, so I was kind of thinking of doing something on the lines of retail therapy, and I feel that would be very interesting for me to explore in a psychological level.

So I know you are wanting to become a psychologist after your studies but do you think you would ever get into designing your own stuff like you mentioned before?

I would love to have my own brand or design something, that’s not a realistic goal though. You have to work fucking hard, everyone will say the work you put into is what you get out of it. You can put your heart and soul and even money all kinds of shit, but if no one buys you’re shit you’re not successful. So half of it is yeah people have to like it and want to buy it cause otherwise you ain’t going to be making shit. But if you go into a job in like psychology there is good money associated with and there is money for it, so for me that’s the most financially responsible decision.

Were you born here in New Zealand?

Yeah I’m actually from Palmerston North, we lived briefly in Rotorua and then lived in Auckland up until now. I don’t really have a sense of belonging to a particular place, like Auckland yeah I grew up in the city and I have respect towards it but I don’t wanna live here, but also know that I’m very luck and very thankful for being in Auckland cause I don’t not think I could survive anywhere else. I know that sounds terrible but like Wellington I don’t like the atmosphere, Christchurch is the same. And anything smaller than that no thanks, we live in the city and I’m very thankful for that, we’re in the most established place in the country, and I’m grateful that I live here in Auckland. Im a mother fucking city girl.

Do you wanna move outside of New Zealand then?

I know for a fact I do not want to stay here, I would actually love to live in Dubai or like Sidney or even London. Theres nothing really keeping me here in New Zealand, like I don’t have a huge family or anything and the opportunities here are very far in-between, cause I do feel like in New Zealand there’s a certain place you can end up, and no room for growth but I feel like in other countries there’s more opportunities, more money to be made and even more places you can go. So that my reason.

Like you mentioned before about not having a lot of family holding you here, I know for a lot of people they are rooted to where they come from and have that connection what are your thoughts on that?

Yeah I just feel like this is where I live and that’s about it, I don’t see myself being here forever.

Do want that family aspect like in your future would like to start your own family?

I think so, I want to find a place where I can call my own, I mean you never know once you explore the world. Its quite interesting thinking about life like that. Yeah I’ve never realised how much your childhood affects you in your adult life until now. Especially of the way I am, that I’m very closed off. I do have that part of me that wishes for a family which I didn’t have growing up but then at the same time I’ve gone along time without it so why do I need it. Honestly I feel like would be a good parent but I don’t think I would want children, cause I would always try to do the best for my children and at the same time I don’t have real desire to have them.

How are you with people Generally?

Oh still hate people, I think everyone is a piece of shit.

Final question of the day but what are your life goals?

Having a job, be financially stable and just do the best I can for me personally. I know that sounds very boring and cliché but that’s the truth.

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astrogobo · 4 years

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so anyways the point of the tag-rant is

[i dont know how to put a read more on mobile but i guess this is your read more?? this is just a rant feel free to scroll]

-dont assume "older sibling problems" only apply to the older sibling, cause hello walking exception here, ive related to basically every 'older sibling problem' post ive ever seen and im the youngest in the family

-thats partly because my relationship with my family sucks (not in an objectively Bad Person way, in a neglectful/self-inflicted by pushing them away for kinda valid reasons.. way?) (like just random example obviously we are all unable to leave the house rn & have been like this fr two months and i see family members for around 10 minutes (15 max) per day

again thats self-inflicted by me staying in my room all day, mostly because im trying to limit my interaction with them as much as possible because i am a panromantic asexual nonbinary agnostic person who really identifies with deism, and they are devout muslims who are active and in positions of power in nationwide muslim organizations and their siblings are casually homophobic pretty much all the time. but just because its self inflicted doesnt mean its fine to be happening cause in an ideal world the circumstances for the self-inflicted separation wouldnt exist.

but at the same time it isnt just the homophobia and 'we know you better than you know yourself cause youre too young to understand yourself' comments. its the way that i have always been compared to my older sister, who seems to be the perfect child: mature, never really went through a rebellious teen phase, a devout muslim just like the parents, a good cis straight girl with straight a's and the motivation and drive to do things with her life, who worked through depression without a therapist or meds, who manages to get shit done with her adhd trying to stop her at every turn. compared with me, an as-established Not-cis Not-straight disaster who can barely drag themself out of bed in the morning, who has given up on the classes they arent interested in, who is stubborn and prideful to a ridiculous extent, who is perfectly neurotypical yet is unable to do Anything with their life, who watches youtube all day while wallowing in self-pity because they cant even muster the energy to do the things they love, who has furious dedication to an activity their parents hate, whose closest friends are all not good enough because theyre gay so theyre a bad influence on them, who just wants to experience being a teen and experiment with themself without consequences and live a normal life but they cant because their sister was so mature by this time and never wanted to go to dances or date or go to concerts or swear and why cant they just be a good kid like their sister? their sister was a good muslim girl by now, why cant they? their sister calls their (homophobic) aunt nearly every day and tells her everything, why cant they? their sister cares about her family and doesnt act stupid with her friends because she doesnt have any her own age because they arent mature enough for her and contributes to society and spends time with her parents and doesnt avoid her father like the plague because shes terrified of what would happen if her father truly knew her. so why cant they?

my sister has never been a 'normal' kid. besides just the adhd wired into her brain - growing up my mother often said that when my sister was four years old, she was a teenager, and when she was 10 she was an adult, in terms of emotional maturity. she was never influenced by people her own age. to my knowledge she's only ever been properly close with one person her own age, and at they only talked for about a year. at this point, its been a long time since shes had a truly close friend. but somehow, shes the one they see as 'normal'. and im stuck being compared to a standard i am physically and mentally unable to reach, even if i wanted to.

to be fair, im not really 'normal' either, but im a hell of a lot closer to it than she is. the only time theyve thought f me as the 'normal' one is when i was a baby, because i barely cried. i just looked around with wide eyes and an open mouth, taking in the world. this was in contrast to my sister who spent every waking moment crying. then they talked to some other parents and realized that i was not the normal one.

i dont know where im going with this, i guess i just wanted to rant?

#long post #rant #idk guys #family rant #sibling rant #vent #arab stuff

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jihoonscafe · 7 years

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❝ works in progress tag ❞

tagged by two incredibly amazing @joshpup and @choco-seventeen !!! thank u angels !!!!!!!! i hope u enjoy reading my blandness as much i loved reading ur angelic writing !!!!!!

rules: copy a small snippet from your works in progress

note : sakjdhasjkd most of these works r like serious works in progress so like im sorry if ur like ?? bcuz some of these r seriously weird sounding also i was listening to replay on repeat while like completing this tag n it is got me so jammed up i screamed the lyrics (nOONA M Y MVP) off my balcony ,,,, that is unrelevant tbh. askjdhd also it said a sentence or two but i was like ??? sentences ??? so i posted like my fav lil paragraphs from the stories lol/

01 » untitled » youtuber! jihan + reader (n most of svt)» (series)

“Y’know how Subway sandwiches are right? Like you gotta eat them quick or they lose their appeal man so your girl out here was like on the couch, and Suhyun was already like taking off the paper and taking her first bite. So I was like right, and I took mine out too and began to eat, like I took that delicious first bite.”, you take a stop, taking a breath and acting it out instead, like opening your mouth a bit too much and like enacting the bite.

“Now rule no.2 of eating Subway, is that the first bite has to be big, and I mean not like “I am the ninth princess of Anastasia” big but like “I am a monster sumo wrestler who has been starved for nine days” big, like let it crumble in your mouth and out of it. So me, being me, stuffed it into my face and yeah it was bad, like there was drool and crumbs cascading down my body, there was some seriously furious chewing and both our faces were red from the walk before, so you can imagine when Kim Seokjin walks in, how we and him feel", you describe the scene, wanting it to flash into the viewer’s mind, wanting them to feel your second hand embarrassment while also laughing at the weird metaphors and feeling the laughter tickling up their throats.

02 » untitled » barista! reader + college! soonyoung » one-shot

His eyes seemed to be burning, his body begging for sleep and rest and he was on his third bag of chocolate coffee beans when he noticed that there seemed to be none catching onto his fingers as he dug for them in the comforting brown bag on his lap, his eyes still glued to his textbook, trying their best to actually absorb some of the damn information on the page.

Fuck everything. Fuck college, and fuck exams week.

A continuous chant of these words in his head, as he tore his eyes away from the bland paper of his book to the insides of the bag of coffee beans to find it empty and thus leaving poor old Soonyoung without his means of living, caffeine.

"I am going to the coffeeshop, fucking Einstein can hold his ass for a bit longer."

03 » untitled » soulmate!wonwoo » one-shot

At the tender age of six, child prodigy Jeon Wonwoo heard the first whisper of his soulmate in his thoughts, a confused and frustrated sounding voice of a little girl, probably unintended for his ears but he did hear and for a few seconds, he held the little table on which he sat in his grandfather’s office so tightly that his little knuckles turned white before his mind resurfaced a memory of the idea about soulmates, even if it didn’t happen so early on in life.

The statement spoken itself was a question, an incredibly easy one for him who read almost at middle school level and could do high school maths, a simple “What is a million divided by two", a question which seemed to have been asked of you as you spoke with quite intensity in your brain.

His answer was less intense, a small meek “It is five hundred thousand" to which came a “Oh my god, is there a ghost in my head" and he smiled, oh his soulmate was a cute thing.

04 » break » prince! seungcheol » one-shot

The whole world seemed to spin around him and he knew it, and he wore it on his jewel adorned chest with indescribable pride, that he was the centre of attention, the prince of the most beautiful of kingdoms in the country, the saviour and heartbreaker of the many in his kingdom and beyond.

Until you swooped in, dressed in the disguise of a faithful knight, and broke his own heart into pieces with your quiet smiles in the few moments you would remove your helmet and the fierce scowl you would emit at anything which disrespected the prince.

The fierce scowl you often gave him, when he dueled with the prince, your prince, the ever charming Jisoo, who was soft and elegant, and who Seungcheol knew was the one you would do anything for.

05 » are they finally dating ?» colleague? jungkook ! » one-shot

(i know with this one excerpt it doesn’t have any guk in it but like ??? he shows up children later ..)

The car door slams shut and you get your way out of Changkyun's way too stuffy car, one you were sure once belonged to his grandma at some point because it smelled excessively like classic old woman perfume. You take a deep breath of the cold air of midtown Los Angeles, choking on the smoke from a nearby barbecue which seemed more like a freaking bonfire at this point, since the smoke was no joke.

Coughing, you ducked back into the car, opening its bottle green door once again, curse words spewing out of your mouth as you also realise that you had forgotten to get the beer which was promised of you for the little party your friend Jimin was holding.

Pushing aside a can of Monster which you shamefully realised was from your last camping trip with Changkyun .. three months ago, you grab one of the cans of beer in the little freezer of the car, one which you never remembered even putting there but was probably one Jooheon, who was one of Changkyun's friends, probably forgot and clearly never bothered to go back to get.

skdlfjkdsfh so y’all this is all “serious works in progress” shit bcuz i have at least 10 more going rn lol but these r the priority ones !! jshkfjhdskjfhd im sorry this was a mess lol ??

im gonna tag some angels : @jungnoir n @theliqht n @myungho n @starshua n @fluffyyeollie !!! have fun but ofc it is not compulsory !!

#shjkfhsd y'all this took me like a day n im sorry !!!#tbh im such a mess these days bcuz i have so much work n the stress is piling up n my emotions r a fucking hurricane #jkhskjdhsf but expect some tagging y'all bcuz slf im clearing out tags n likes !!!#jksfkjdsjhfjhdsgkjhd also have fun with this !!!!!! ( i suffered a lot trying to #actually convince myself that this wasn't all shit writing lol)#jfdkhd but here u go !!!! i hope u like it starchildren !!!!!#snkfjdsfh i like that nickname bye #t : writing #t : works in progress

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pagesofkenna · 7 years

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i got tagged by @islandoforder AND @mooitstimdrake and im not waiting for the last groupchatperson to tag me as well so lets go

11 asks, 11 answers, 11 questions, 11 people (better than the video game) (under a readmore bc theres a lot)

I’m double jointed in my shoulders

which means I can lick my elbows

I have 1 cat and his name is Sherlock and he’s the handsomest boy in the world

I’m currently writing a text game which I think is fairly decent for a first attempt at a game

I have a BA in English, Technical Writing

I bought my first car this month AND got my first credit card AND made my first appointment with a therapist i’m moving up in the world

I’ve read like 70 books this year so far, but that includes most of the Animorphs series so I’m not including that on my goodreads

I listen to a bunch of random podcasts but not the ones people who talk about podcasts a lot on tumblr listen to

I don’t/can’t follow youtube series, or video game journalism, or other internet subscriptions people my age with my interests should be following

I’m a Mormon? that’s a p important fact i always forget people don’t know

I’ve lived my whole life in the SoCal desert (except for going to school in Idaho) and desperately want to not live here anymore

Calyx’ questions

What’s your favourite tv show? i dont know my dude. i think parks and rec is my stock answer bc its one of the few shows i can go back and rewatch over and over randomly (and have) but also i try not to just because ive seen it so many times.

How many languages can you speak? English and Cat

Where would you most like to visit? Antarctica

Who’s your favourite artist? like music or visual art? i don’t really know, i don’t follow specific artists for anything, except clark powell is a music composer i really like

Do you support any sports teams? i dont follow any of the teams but if the tvs on and its baseball: the dodgers if theyre playing, the angels if theyre not, any team with a bird name otherwise; basketball: the lakers if theyre playing, any team with a bird name otherwise; football: i dont know who any of the teams are so i literally just look for bird names

Favourite food? chocolate

What’s the last song you had stuck in your head? i literally just started thinking about Someday by Clark Powell because of that other question

What should you be doing right now? something productive so i dont feel like i wasted the day when i have to leave for work in four hours. reading probably

What’s your fave big franchise? Legend of Zelda i guess

Any tattoos (currently or planned)? nope (the aforementioned Mormon thing) but there was a Sawbones episode where they talked about how their daughter loved glitter temporary tattoos and its had me thinking...

What three things would you want with you on a deserted island? the Count of Monte Cristo, a month supply of MREs, and a reliable working communication device to call for help

Moo’s questions

If you were to make a new blog dedicated to one single thing (fandom, hobby/activity, etc) what would it be? lol you mean another one. i was considering making a blog of funny product photos at my store, but i realized i’d be WAY too busy this fall for that, so... that? otherwise i’d want to get more serious about my video game blog

If you could have any kind of animal as a pet, what would you have? either a bird of some kind or a snake of some kind but i’m not sure which. a duck maybe?? i’d like to live in a place i could have a duck

Who was your favorite teacher and why were they your favorite? my 4th grade teacher was HUGE on growing at your own pace, introduced us to new funny ‘trivia’ to help us learn that learning could be fun, stressed and heavily rewarded reading skills

What’s your guilty pleasure (and I’m challenging you not to say some kind of food)? right now its listening to podcasts when i should be doing other things. or just the entirety of tumblr.

Favorite pizza topping? anything meat. put half as much cheese on as you thought it needed then cover it with pepperoni and sausage crumbles and bacon bits just to counteract that gross cheese texture

What’s the last thing you bought (that wasn’t food)? uuhh and not gas? i think it was gas. or those jeans i ordered last week that finally arrived? or the last Inside Out cup we were selling at my store that no one was buying and we just needed to get rid of so i bought it since i like that movie

What upcoming movies/tv shows are you looking forward to? The Defenders is coming out THIS FRIDAY! and Runaways in October!! then Star Wars in December!!!

Any recommendations (this could be anything just throw your best pitch at me)? I have SO many recommendations but i feel like you, specifically, have heard most of them, so I’m going to throw in a curveball and talk about The Last Guardian, which is the third game in a loosely-connected series of games about people who are alone, and hurting, and trapped in worlds that do not make sense and are actively trying to push them down, finding and connecting with other people or beings in their same situations, who don’t let their pain stop them from loving and understanding, and working with that they have to escape and make things better

What’s your favorite thing to wear that you own? probably my Ace Pride socks

What was your first pet? I can never remember the story right, but I think when i was young my grandmother died so we inherited her cat, a fluffy grumpy old thing named Lucky who did not want to cuddle or be with us (she was probably sad her human was gone, but also my grandmother wasnt really a cat person anyways so. probably just a sad cat). since Lucky wouldn’t play with me my mom got a kitten from a friend, who we named Megabyte, who we had until she died just after I graduated high school

If you could learn any language, what would it be? Korean

My questions

If you could live in any fictional world, where would it be?

What’s the last song that you listened to that you felt very emotional about (positive or negative)?

What’s a book or movie you love that you feel not enough people know about?

What’s the last movie you saw in theaters?

What pokemon would you include in your real life pokemon team?

Where are you in your sibling rank?

If you could interview any one person who is now deceased, who would you interview?

What would you ask them?

When you’re out in public ordering food, what’s your preferred drink?

Where do you put the ketchup (in the fridge or in the cupboard)?

If you could work with a programming team to design an app for your phone, what would the app do?

I’m tagging @bi-dominusrex (*fingerguns*), @hiboudeluxe, @irlhannah, @chrosty, @latiburona, @natcat5, @zoook39, @nelmathyria, @hedgiwithapen, @j-the-latter-gay-saint, @everylastbird (note that you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to! also if i didnt tag you but you want to answer the questions please feel free there were so many people i wanted to tag!)

#survey things #i got to the tagging people part and realized #theres a lot of people i wanted to tag??#like a LOT like i literally only picked the first people who game up when i did an @ letter #and suddenly there was 11 and i realized i hadnt tagged a bunch of people i would have normally?#about me

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shattered-catalyst · 7 years

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// Thank you so much for the request!!! I wrote several versions I may post later, Im always nervous writing Shatterstar. His character always surprises me so I dont have a good grasp on him just yet (and thats what I love about him he always surprises me somehow)hopefully i did him justice for your request!))

Shatterstar always kept his distance, something Cat respected. He almost preferred it, still adapting to the fact that Shatterstar was now more than a poster in his life. Prior to running into Rictor and Shatterstar they had been influential but imaginary. Rictor had always been a faceless man;unknown and mysterious. Shatterstar had been a mirage; always in his peripheral.

Entering into that universe where Shatterstar and Rictor both existed was awkward. With Rictor it was simple. He hadn’t been accustomed to seeing Rictor’s teenage self killing in the arena. Nor had he been raised to be some weird successor for the seismic manipulator.

With Shatterstar, things were just...Different. They could both be in the same room, and they spoke easily enough. They watched movies together and spoke frequently about a variety of topics. Particularly the weather, movies, books, chess, and musicals. Shatterstar seemed to enjoy the classics while Catalyst was more into the oddball youtube hits. There was still some distance, mostly on his own part. Truthfully the teen just felt, stupid around Shatterstar. Like he had to constantly prove it was fine he was there. Reassert that YES he was worthy. Rahne called it anxiety. Catalyst called it irritating.

It should be easy. In theory it should be, but the heart had it’s ways of fucking things up. Shatterstar was always receptive and respecting of boundaries.

Except for right now.

" M' fine." Catalyst protested pushing against Stars shoulder, but nope up he went. " Shatterstar, your jacket." Who the fuck wore white when they got bloody so much? It was Mojo world fabric true, so stains didn’t touch it. But the point still remained.

Cradling the teen bridal style he shook his head,moving up the steps to the bathroom. "It will be washed." He was only slightly scolding him, he understood completely. Weakness was not welcome on Mojo.

Shatterstar got the teen to the bathtub, setting him inside before taking a seat on the rim. Pulling the large first aid kit out from beside the sink, unrolling bandages and gauze. There was silence, mostly because Catalysts eyes were watching him wrap the wounds. First aid always intrigued him.

The bandages and gauze were just to slow the bleeding until his healing factor completed its work. It wasn’t a healing factor™, it was a healing factor. Neither of them could risk severing too many arteries or losing a limb. They weren't wolverine. Organs didn’t JUST regenerate,although he felt they had to at least grow back or something. He would ask later.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A scolding tsk stopping Cat as he went to move. " We are not finished." Firm hand gently pressing on his shoulder encouraging him to sit back down.

He let out an exasperated " truly!?!" While he knew Star knew that he was used to just bleeding until the healing factor kicked in, he still had to remind himself to hold his tongue. Last time he had pointed that out to Rictor the man had looked so hurt. He didn’t want to even risk the very remote chance he hurt Star’s feelings.

Two more rolls of bandages later.

" Now we must wash your hair. " Standing he pulls Catalyst up with him, neither he nor Rictor approves of bloody hair. " We will use the sink."

Cat scrambles to stand before motioning for Shatterstar to wait. " Hold on just, let me." He stepped out of the tub, hopping on the one good leg over to the sink. Shooting Star an evaluating stare, he trusted him. But also, this was going to be hard. Trusting anyone with his neck was difficult for him.

Taking a breath he slowly nods, bracing hands on either side of the sink he permits Shatterstar to duck his head under the faucet. Stiffening as water rushes down his neck and cheeks. It’s warm. That always surprises him, clean and warm and all his. Star’s hands are longer than Rictors. Thinner, more elegantly shaped but nonetheless powerful. They’re gentle and its hard to imagine today was the first time they had touched in the months he had been living there. Combat situations not withstanding.

Star's hand moved from the teens back to the top of his head. Rubbing the bloodied mats between his fingers . Soft reassurances escaping as he shampoos away that days battle. Watching as the massaging motions begin to wash away the anxiety, Cats fingers slowly easing from the sides.

He grabs a towel and turns off the water.

" Done?"

" Yes, here" fluff fluff fluff. The large green towel captures all that unruly hair and starts buffering him dry.

Muffled grumbles of ' I can do it myself' and ' are you finished?' Tried their best to escape the onslaught. A small laugh tumbling out. Once free the teen gives Shatterstar a teasing glare. " I have a good hand.."

" The sensation is more pleasing if you have use two hands." Shatterstar states tossing the towel into the hamper.

" Hmmm I suppose that is true." He touches his hair experimentally before attempting to smooth down the gnarled waves. “Am I medically cleared?”

Shatterstar let out a hum, rubbing his chin. “After you re-hydrate I will clear you. You did lose a lot of blood, little one.”

He starts to grumble that he’s lost more until the last part hits him and reduces him to a blushing mess. Balancing on one foot he starts to hop out the door. “Yes, well with your first aid Im sure I will be fine.”

“Perhaps” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sitting downstairs in front of the television. Cat on the floor in front of Shatterstar who sat on the couch. Boxes of Pizza, double black olives on one and tomato with garlic on the other, on the coffee table and a twelve pack of water bottles. ‘Star had insisted on icing and elevating Cats kneecap while it healed. Just in case.

Fingers grazing to separate strands, silence fell between them. This was, well it was more than big. Star had brought him his favorite pizza and even let him try some of Stars own pizza.

Shatterstar was braiding his hair. Catalyst was letting Shatterstar near his neck. In two physical ways ' I trust you' and ' I care ' were being communicated. No words needed, thats how he liked it.

His uemeur bubbled threatening to over run his body with warmth and joy. A smile etching slowly a crossed his face. The real one, small and unsure.

No one had braided his hair before. He had done it himself in between matches, a way of putting on the warrior ethos he needed to survive. But this was different, a different style of braid and different fingers gently weaving.

" You fought well today, your performance was exemplary." Shatterstar complimented, tone softer than usual. Tying off one smaller braid with some cord and letting it fall to work on the other.

He felt his face start to redden still not used to compliments. " I could have done better...."

Another way he was so much like Julio. " Perfection is not obtainable, we may strive for it, but it is rarely achievable." He was too hard on himself.

Taking a sip of water he narrowed his gaze at the doorway to the hall. Thinking that over, was perfection attainable?" It's not achievable because we will always desire better, correct?"

" Correct, there is always more to learn."

He started to turn his head to look at Star before he stopped himself, remembering he was having his hair braided. "Oh. I......I think I like that." Chewing a bite of pizza he hums. " I like, yknow." He paused another beat" I uh, I like this..." drank some water. " this is nice."

Letting out another hum, Cat could almost picture his genetic donor nodding in agreement.

“It is interesting to hear you sound so much like Julio.”

“Mm? Truly?”

“Yes. You both have many commonalities.” Silence “Hey, Shatterstar?” A bigger smile appearing that feels so right.” Thank you for tending to me.”

“ We are on a team, you will not be facing such things alone anymore.” Shatterstar ties off the last braid, putting a hand on the teens shoulder. Signaling he was finished. Smile spreading as Cats hands gingerly touch the braids in his hair. Watching how reverently he ran his fingers a crossed the new texture. Vaguely remembering his first cadre style braids.

His smile only grows, feeling a pattern he's seen on others but not on himself. “ Is this??” Turning his head to look up at Star eyes wide “ are these??”

“ Braids done in the Cadre warrior style? Yes.” ‘ Stars smile grew hands still on the teens shoulders to keep his torso still. “They suit you.”

Cats breath catches hearing those words, tear ducts leaking as pride overcomes him. “ Shatterstar, you have given me a great honor. Thank you.” Turning he hugs onto the warriors leg, head burying into it to catch the tears.

#Xshapedportal

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lonelylittletransgirl · 4 years

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3:40am - 04/05/2020

14 weeks since i’ve talked to the boy, almost 15; i guess technically only two weeks if we’re talking about me being stupid and messaging him, but 14 weeks since he’s spoken to me, and i’m finally ready to talk about it.

when i met him he was magical, i fell for him instantly, it’d only been a few months after i finally got upset enough with Lisa to leave the remains of that friendship behind, and i was feeling a little down with how little social success i was having with the start of college. I remember standing around in the lecture hall before a test, his class was before mine, and i followed a group of people i wanted to be friends with in. he and i both stood awkwardly among our friend groups, this wasnt our first time meeting, but putting our awkwardness aside, it was the first time we spoke, and the start of his era in my life.

the semester rolled forward, and my mental health spiraled, i was facing a daily struggle of do i put gas in my car or do i eat, can i afford that snack while editing at 4am or was i just to go hungry until lunch as not to disrupt my precarious eating schedule. i was stressed about how low my grades where, how tired i always was working an abusive job that paid well below industry standard on the nights i wasn't up fixing group project issues at 4am in the learning commons, sleeping in my car didnt help, but it gave me an extra hour between late nights and early mornings saved off my commute, ontop of saving gas, it wasn’t that bad but was certainly not helping. my mother was driving me insane, like she always does, and i was willing to do anything to keep out of the house, i just... lost control of my life, and completely stopped caring, and this is where he really stepped in. skip a class because im too numb to focus, he’s by my side in the learning commons, someone to talk to, send memes to, keep me entertained, i couldn't go home, my mother would notice im not in class, but i just couldn't drag myself into the classroom every day.

jump forward into the summer... or really... middle spring, probably late may... early june... our mutual friend xander needed some furniture for his new room, the boy and i kept promising to see eachother over the summer, i finally invite him to come to ikea with xander and me, so... we all went together, and after dropping xander off i go back to boys house with him for the first time, and this leads us into the start of the summer.

we see each other often, always initiated by me, but never unwelcomed by him, the exact timeline is all a blur now, but i remember canada day, going to his grandparents house with him, his whole family was lovely, they where so much more functional and kinder than my own, i had an anxiety attack at some point during the day but only the boy and his brother knew, that day really stands out to me because it had been the first time in years id felt accepted by everyone around me, i was able to be myself, i was with people i enjoyed, i had no stresses and it felt euphoric. I remember that night distinctly for entirely different reasons though, it started off well, the boy and i went to milton to see the fireworks from outside the old highschool, a place my dad used to take me and my brother when he was still in our lives, i got a sunburn on my back despite using sunscreen, clearly not enough, and i remember the boy laughing at me because it was a really bad burn in the shape of the bralette i wore in place of a swim top, it was all fun, until the drive home. driving him back to his house something felt wrong, i dont know what, but i remember bursting into tears, this wasnt the first time i cried around him, and certainly wasnt the last, but it really stands out as a night that changed a lot about how he felt towards my emotions. going back to the first time i cried around him, we went on a bike ride on the trails around his house, i borrowed his moms bike and he rode his, at some point he started biking really fast away from me until he reached a house, a house i learned later was the house of someone who hurt him years ago, i... dont exactly recall how i felt about it, but we biked back to the school nearly beside his house, the sky dark at this point, and he went off sitting alone in the field. something about.. him biking away from me, not telling me anything, then leaving his bike on the fence and running into the field away from me, it felt for the first time i can completely recall, like he was starting to push me away, i remember walking up to him in the field, i was already holding back tears at this point and he could tell, he asked what was wrong and i completely collapsed into tears over how i felt. i recall rambling on about my dad, my mothers ex, my mother herself, and my history with abandonment, isolation, and how him leaving me like that made me feel; i remember him holding me, keeping my hair out of my face, stroking it gently while pushing it away, softly telling me its all okay, he apologized, explained everything, and after my eyes where clear enough to walk past his mom not looking like id just bawled my eyes out, combined with the incoming thunderstorm approaching over us as we laid in the grass up at the starts, we headed back to his house.back at his house was rather uneventful, i remember laying beside him in his bed, we watched some youtube, shortly after getting back to his house i left fearing the incoming storm, roughly... around midnight if i had to guess, keeping in mind this is before i was allowed to stay over past his midnight curfew.

moving along through the summer we come to another important night, it was similar to the bike ride night, a humid summer evening, this night i remember fewer details about, but we where laying in his bed, being idiots, i recall him showing me how to act more feminine for a man, sitting on his lap, wrapping myself around him, it was all in play, nothing serious, but i did really like him, and he knew it. at some point the play turned into me laying on his bed, arms at my side, he’s hovering over me in a playfully dominant way, we joke about being ontop of one another with both of us being so submissive, we never take it seriously, but something was different; he looked in my eyes and there was a glimmer to his, “what do you want?” he asked, i told him he already knows, after playing dumb a little more, he starts softly kissing my neck... it was a strange feeling, not unwelcome, but not rough enough for me, he was very gentle, pausing to make sure i was okay, asking for consent often, finally, he looks into my eyes, and says once more “what?” while giggling, i just stare back up at him, after a few seconds he says “i know what you want” and leans in to kiss me, then again, and before i knew it we where making out, and kept it going for a few minutes... until his mother knocked on the door telling us it was past his curfew. and thats the story of my first kiss, and the first time the boy kissed me, i... felt euphoric again, i remember feeling on top of the fucking world for days following, i was so happy, and so in love, and was now completely enamored with this boy.

there where more fun filled summer days, we never kissed again after that, but there was still occasional cuddling, by my request, lots of hugs, and i was still babe and he was still the boy i loved. i guess the first time i really started to feel envious was during pride, we went as a group, myself, the boy, our mutual friend chris, and some other friends from their group discord. the day started out great, it was my first pride and there was so many people, so much excitement, it was all happening and starting out fun. partway pretty early through the day one of the boys ex’s met up with us though, and really stole all of his attention from me, i tried to hide that i was upset, the rest of his friends left to go home leaving just me the boy and his ex, but eventually it became too much, i decided to go home alone, so they dropped me off at the subway station, and turned around, walking away without even saying goodbye. the second i was through the doors to the subway i burst into tears, i felt like an idiot crying most of the train ride home, the drive home, i felt like shit that whole night, and it really hurt to see the boy i loved with someone else. i put that day behind us though, and enjoyed the rest of the summer with him.

Fall arrived, he went back to school, my depressed spiral into mental illness landed me on academic suspension, meaning a year of no school, so i did not. we where separated much of that time, we would see each other maybe bi-weekly, we grew distant, not by choice, i really wanted to see him all the time, and he accommodated whenever he could.

at some point, i dont remember when, but we had a fight, he got mad at me for acting like his girlfriend, he reinforced that we aren't dating, we aren't a couple, he made sure i knew he was gay, and only liked men, and i dont remember the outcome of that fight, but his mom found out, and told him to bring me back. his mom was such a dear, she loved her family, baked every week, cooked meals for them all constantly, always took me into consideration and always offered me something, she would even go out of her way to accommodate my pickiness, and always found something that worked despite the boy being vegetarian and me being picky. she took the boy and i to the mall, boy always joked with me that my bras where too childish, and i did only have three, so his mom took the opportunity to teach me about bras, and the wonders of them, and all the things id need to know after starting hormone therapy. after that he was pretty accepting of my presence, we where very active in the discord, talking for hours a day, it kept me entertained at work and him in class, along with all the friends in it, and the next major turning point was the introduction of rowan.

its now 4:47am, to be continued later

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