#im one of the people where even if i've pre-timed myself i will usually go longer in the actual presentation than under

[sandumilfshou]

doing a 20 min presentation for my research today and we have been given no information other than "do a 15-20 min presentation about your research" to the other people in the self-directed class that we've never met before, and it's the first presentation session and i think i'm the only one doing it today and everyone else is doing theirs in the upcoming weeks... i thought more people would want to get it out of the way lol

[dcviated]

MUNDAY: GETTING TO KNOW YOU

Respond to the following prompts out of character, then tag others you'd like to get to know a little bit better!

ROLEPLAYER NAME: bear! or will, I don't mind being referred to by my real name but even my wife calls me bear most of the time, so-

ROLEPLAYER PRONOUNS: he/him

MUSE NAME: I feel the mainstays will always be Wylan, Raguna, and Eira. But many many others-

PREFERRED COMMUNICATION: As needed. I'm low maintenance while still considering us 'in contact'. But I do love getting sent random bits as relevant and commentary on threads. I can be short or slow on replies at times though. Discord all the way over tumblr IM.

EXPERIENCE: Back when I was 15 or 16 on forums. I did some avatar games that had roleplay baked into it as well that were good. Did a lot of RP in warcraft back during BC to WOTLK, but could not get into it in FFXIV. Tumblr has been my favorite place to write, by far. I love getting into longer form. On that note-

PREFERRED ROLEPLAY TYPE: Literate paragraphs! I can't stay bantering in short stuff to save my life. Like a leak I inevitably switch over to having a paragraph. Then two. Maybe three. I'm pretty comfy around the 300-500 word length on my replies. I get intimidated when they get consistently longer and writer's block starts to lay its bricks.

PET PEEVES & DEALBREAKERS: An inability to meet halfway when plotting is brought up. I don't like being waited on like it's my responsibility to come up with a compelling plot that I suspect you'll half-ass reply to. Have some advocation for what you want. Otherwise ... yeah.

Also an overabundance of context-less dash commentary. Particularly connected to their discord happenings. Some blogs feel less 'indie' and more pseudo-group related. And if you're not involved good luck.

PLOTS OR MEMES: I like to think I'm pretty good rolling with the punches! I can do memes, random asks, and memes and ad-libbing a situation out of a few back and forth banters is really amusing. It's also easier than front-loading a ton of plotting that may or may not be realized anyway. Letting events happen off the cuff feels more dynamic and allows more surprises for both writing parties. <:

That said, don't mind plotting whatsoever! So long as the other person actually wants it and isn't going through the motion of it because it's 'what people do'. Also... I hope they're ready for the long game if so? Like they want to let the plot play out and not just making a plot and then jumping to the end of it.

Pre-establish-jutsu is not plotting!!

LONG REPLIES OR SHORT REPLIES: Middle?? Both?? There's a time for everything but like I said before I'm a fan of 300-500 words for my replies. Sometimes I like them shorter, others longer. But we're biasing towards the 'long' given when a lot of what's in vogue as of late.

BEST TIME TO WRITE: Whenever I can put my adhd into proper submission. I like writing at the office (after I have my work for the day handled) because it separates me from the usual distractions but we can only be so strong...

I like writing earlier in the day! I feel like my best work is done in the mornings, after all. And the head is clearer before I've hit lunch. So on weekends where I don't have plans and I can make myself sit down at a keyboard before everyone else is around, that's just great.

ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSES: Like any good oc writer, I pull out little pieces of myself and cram them into other beings to irreversibly corrupt them not unlike a certain villain from a certain manga. People have called me dad in the past... perhaps that fits better than I thought.

tagged by: @triinitas (thank!!) tagging: gosh this one has gone around a few times, steal it if you like!

[lemony-snickers]

Im really proud of you for choosing what feels right for you, rather than what you think people expect of you. It can be a really hard thing to do and you're doing it. You've created some absolutely gorgeous work, and we will continue to love them, but you are under no obligation to continue something that hurts you. You deserve better than that and I completely relate. There are months and months every year where I can't write. I don't want to, it hurts to try, so I don't. Inevitably an idea comes, I work on that, and then I stop when it doesn't make me happy to continue. It's an extremely healthy thing to do according to my psychologist, because writing is meant to be a hobby. When it stops being that, it's time to step away until you come back to it naturally. I hope one day you see the value in yourself and your work, but for now, rest, recuperate, find what brings you joy in the here and now because ultimately that's what matters most -- 💚

i do wish i could write forever, you know? but it just isn't sustainable. i think i've just fundamentally broken the part of me that used to enjoy doing it by trying so hard and so long for nothing (or, to be more fair, i suppose, what amounts to very little).

i used to work as a content writer. for like two years pre-pandemic, i churned out 8k words on average per day as my job. i thought i was good at it, but it turns out i wasn't good enough at it. and i definitely supplanted that same desire to write so much with fanfiction after i lost my job, especially during quarantine.

like, this drive to create something had to be put to some use, you know? and fanfic was it. and then i tried some original writing, which no one wanted anything to do with and after about two dozen rejections i finally just quit writing original content altogether because it just hurts to have everyone say, "oh, no thank you" every time you put yourself out there.

i guess i had hoped fanfiction would be able to fill this, like, gaping wound i have created in myself, but that was an unfair thing to expect. i was never going to be as satisfied by this as i wanted to be because, as i said recently, i kept moving the goal post, you know? kept saying, "okay, well that was fine, but i want more."

more engagement, more love, more sense of accomplishment. more recognition. i'm a very solipsistic person at heart, i guess, huh? maybe we all are, idk.

but there's only so much of any of those things i can get doing what i am doing, being who i am and subscribing to the limitations thereof.

i don't know what is "best" for me, if i'm honest. except for getting my ass back to therapy which i have been trying to do for more than a year only to be rejected over and over again just like with the writing which is--

i am getting off topic, but you can imagine how it is, probably, lol.

i am just struggling to figure out how to be satisfied with a life i find deeply disappointing, i think. and i'm not sure how i'm going to do that, but i have reached a point where writing fanfic hurts more than it helps, usually.

god i'm sorry i hijacked this thing for another self-pity wank and i don't even know how to stop myself.

thank you for the kind message. i'm sorry i am just word vomiting all the time, now. but, i hope you know i am truly grateful. and i'm so glad you are able to recognize this cycle of your own writing and to still find joy in it when you can. i hope i can learn to do that someday, too. <3

[batfamtv]

me after writing smut: is this who i am? is this who i represent? lmao i've never written smut until trese, i guess the thirst was too much, let me know how y'all like it! thank you so much for all your support, ily <3

(ﾉ´ з `)ノ

kambal x reader; established relationship

gif by @rasputinaillyanna (see their original gifsets here!)

sfw

the three idiots

seriously, alexandra feels like she keeps aging 20+ years whenever you three are together and goofing around

this is one of the reasons why you’re not allowed on the field with them, they’d get absolutely nothing done

that, and the twins simply wont put you in danger under any circumstances

alexandra also treats you like a sister (in law) and wants you safe, but can only do so much to keep you out of their lives since you still find ways to help them out

absolutely rowdy when you’re with basilio, you and him practically have a lot of inside jokes and a secret language

people would give you both weird looks when you’re out in public, just because you’re both so damn loud

with crispin you’re more mature (but not a lot), he does these grand gestures like taking you out on expensive dates, takes instagram/pinterest style pics of you

basilio also takes pics of you, but those are some of the most unflattering ones that he sends to your groupchat as memes

the ppl who arent familiar with your relationship with the twins are almost often confused when they see you with just the one twin: they’d think “huh i saw this couple a week ago, but i could have sworn the boyfriend had much shorter hair, it couldn’t have grown that long in a week, right?”

when you do go out with the twins, they flank you and you almost get squished in between them, so sometimes you have to push them both to the sides so that you would have space to move around

the three of you like to just chill at the mall sometimes, go window shopping and then eat samgyup/mang inasal later on

other times when you manage to drag alexandra with you, people would assume that you guys are on a double date, and alexandra has the ugliest/most disgusted look on her face as she corrects them “these are my brothers” “im gay”

in your groupchat (just you and the twins) crispin is the sweet, doting one who would text you “have you eaten?” “want us to pick something up for you on the way home?” while basilio sends you memes and selfies of the twins

they send you videos and pics of pets they meet “today we met brownie and blackie”

with regards to living arrangements, the twins have separate rooms (basilio’s is the messy one, smells weird)

when you moved in, alexandra offered you your own room, and most of the time that’s where the boys stay anyway

the bed is much larger than theirs because it needs to accommodate all three of you

you three try to cook meals for ate alexandra, but it almost always turns out disastrous - mostly when basilio insists on helping

so you always make him run errands (“can you go pick up some more garlic and magic sarap”) while you and crispin man the stoves

you braid basilio’s hair while crispin tunes his guitar!!

and you spend a couple of hours listening to crispin play the guitar, basilio’s head now resting on your lap

crispin’s movie taste are like *film* and *poetic cinema* while basilio might enjoy movies that are so bad they’re good, but you three are all suckers for superhero ensemble movies and horror movies

the boys become really annoying when watching filipino horror movies because they like to point out mistakes in the film “aswangs dont do that” “why would you go there all alone are you stupid???”

“please boys i just wanna watch the movie”

a huge cuddle pile

both boys run hot, so during cold nights (that never happen, bc you live in the philippines) you’re all warm and toasty between them

both light sleepers! they were pretty heavy sleepers when they were kids/teenagers, but the occupational hazard of their jobs require them to be ready at a moment’s notice

they still, however, snore quite loudly

crispin doesn’t ever tend to move positions when sleeping, he wakes up in the same position he fell asleep in

basilio rotates around the bed like hands of a clock

most often falls off the bed, but clumsily climbs back up and cuddles you

really really simpy when it comes to you, though most of the time it’s just you three sharing one brain cell (it’s with you, mostly), they can be quite romantic and cheesy if they want to

crispin probably has his brother as just “Basilio” on his phone, and “Y/N ❤️" for you

basilio has “my love ❤️😍😘💘 ” for you and crispin’s number isn’t even registered lol

nsfw under the cut

nsfw

threesome? threesome

boys barely do anything separately and usually just have a Single Thought in both their heads, so if one is horny, the other one is 69% (lol) horny as well

you realize that crispin doesn’t like to be teased at work, but basilio enjoys it so much

you find this out when you’re alone and horny, so you send a pic of you touching yourself to the boys in your groupchat

crispin sees it first, but doesn’t say anything?? he honest to god just left you on read

meanwhile basilio also sees your pic not too long after and you quickly get a “what the fuck” as a reply from him

like 10 mins later he sends you a pic of him in what looks like a washroom and his cock is straining in his pants

he texts you “had to find a washroom so fucking fast so that ate alex and the police captain doesn’t see me so fucking hard in my pants” and “wanna eat you pussy babe”

crispin does text you when the three are on their way home, not mentioning the picture you sent “we’re on our way home”

and at first you thought he is mad at you bc he didn’t bring the nude up?? does he not want you anymore :(

but the moment they arrive crispin all but sprints to your shared bedroom and sees you there, in your underwear

holds your cheeks in one hand, “what the fuck was that baby, hmm? what did you send us?”

you try to ask if he’s mad bc you sent him a nude, ask him if there’s anything wrong, but he just lets your face go as he takes his suit off, basilio finds his way to your room, locks it, and gives you a kiss

basilio whispers “missed you baby” against your mouth before moving away to undress

crispin, now fully naked in front of you, makes you suck his cock, which is hard and twitching, its tip leaking with precum, he makes you place both his hands on your head, “do you know how surprised i was when i saw a text from you and it’s a picture of you touching your cunt? hmm?” he sighs as he sees you looking up at him, eyes watering as you struggle to take all of his cock down your throat “i had to stop myself from getting hard in front of everyone, baby, basilio couldn’t even do that”

basilio huffs but the boys reposition you so you’re in bed and on your back, crispin kneeling to your side, his cock still throbbing in your mouth, basilio positions himself between your thighs, moaning when he sees how wet you are

basilio removes your panties before rushing to sniff your cunt, groaning in delight--you’re sure his eyes roll to the back of his head before he dives into your cunt

you moan into crispin’s cock and he grunts, shoving more of his cock into your mouth, now moving faster, “i really wanna cum down your throat baby, would you let me?”

you nod and he pushes his cock all the way into your mouth, your nose practically touching his groin and pubes

you gag, for a moment panicked as you try to breathe in, while crispin just eyes you, his cock growing ever harder when he looks at your face wet with tears and drool, he grabs your hair, softly at first, to make sure you’re okay, and when you nod crispin groans as he sets up his pace, groaning as he feels his orgasm building

basilio, meanwhile, is licking and sucking your clit with three fingers knuckles deep in your cunt, and when he starts to feel you spasming, a telltale sign that your orgasm is approaching, he pulls his mouth and fingers out and quickly replacing them with his fat cock

immediately, you and basilio both groan, your eyes roll to the back of your head as you feel yourself so full of cock

basilio curses under his breath before taking your legs and resting them against his shoulders “fuck, y/n, im sorry i’m not gonna last long” “your pussy got me so fucking hard you tasted so good baby, you know how much i love your little pussy, right?”

crispin groans at this before he pulls his cock out of your mouth, leaning down to kiss you, he then moves down your neck and your tits, making sure he marks your chest

basilio whimpers and thrusts three more times before releasing a long groan, his cum exploding deep in your pussy “fuck baby you feel so good” he manages to pull out and you see his cock wet with his cum and your juices before settling beside you, panting harshly

you barely had the type to recuperate before crispin flips you on your stomach, making sure your face is resting on the pillows before he thrusts into you with a grunt

“fuck, still a tight little pussy after basilio rammed your cunt, huh?”

your eyes rolling, you couldnt do much other than hold onto the sheets and basilio’s hand, moaning loudly when you feel crispin’s fingers on your clit

“can you take one more, y/n? can your pussy take one more load?”

speechless, you nod, trying to grind your ass against crispin’s hips, but his hands on your hips hold you firm

he grunts approvingly, “good baby, take it deep in your pussy okay? and cum on my cock, baby, i wanna feel it”

you cum on his cock, almost violently, and twins groan at the sound of your moaning, and the sight of you spasming and shaking on crispin’s cock

a couple of deep thrusts later, crispin also cums deep into your pussy, his cum now mixed with basilio’s

crispin moves to get a washcloth to clean the three of you up, before all three of you collapse in bed, huddled together, basilio with his arms wrapped from behind--already falling asleep, you rest your head against crispin’s arm

“so, no more nudes when you’re at work?”

crispin laughs softly before pressing a kiss on your forehead, “unless your cunt is ready to take two cocks at once, no nudes when we’re at work”

[darlington-v]

HELLO YES IS ONE OF(?) THE FELLOW TRANSMASC BEEDUO ENJOYERS, RESPONDING AFTER A MULTIDAY DELAY.

CANT BELIVE THAT HANDHOLDING SHIT.

As someone else who has (on a certain level) like, made that connection, of someone I can be very affectionate with, but am still in the gender closet with for various reasons. I can absolutely understand your impulse and the preassure... a lot of my hesitation is based around a fear of going against some kind of perceived "ground work" in that relationship. And then I get frustrated because in this relationship and others i just would not have to think so much about this and how I present myself if I had just been born a cisguy. I am also just yearning for bro friendships where I'm just perceived as a dude from the get-go, even if I end up acting ""feminin"" or some shit.

But when I think about all the relationships I've had, I wouldn't want to have "skipped over" any of them, even if I wasn't, or didn't start by presenting my truly authentic self. I can't bring myself to regret or fully resent any of those connections, even if in my heart I can't always regard them as 100% "valid" or "genuine" in the context of how I know I was/am perceived and how I present. I dunno, I hope that makes sense, and helps in some way... I guess what im trying to say is, even if I have wishes and yearnings of how things could be different, I still am happy to have had the relationships I've had.... and I know ill just keep meeting new folks and either things will work out or they wont, and that'll be ultimatly for the best...

But hughu its also kinda silly when I think about it, that some internet dudes make me confront and think about all this shit. But it also does make sense too.

I don't know its very hard to explain, feel free to just ignore all this.

yes!!!! i TOTALLY understand this!

it's really frustrating because i would love to seek out other communities and environments that may lead into relationships similar to that of like??? SAME AFFECTION????? but im afraid to put myself out ANYWHERE new because i don't want to be perceived as like... woman-lite or anything. i don't want anyone to have to rethink how they perceive me i just wanted to present in the way that i feel.

similarly to what you said, i don't want to build something on "ground-work" i know i'll have to break down and like. make the REAL ground work pretty much?

and yeah! same! i get frustrated as well because it would just be much easier to deal w/ if i was just. cis. but i don't dwell on that too much, luckily

however i still run into the same issue: (more long winded venty shit below, ur invited to me being extremely vulnerable on the internet have fun)

how can i deal with this and make this easier for myself? is it... achievable even? like! yeah! how can i simply start new relationships with this... pre-established certainty of "that is a Boy! a BONAFIDE boy!" like... not even cis but just.

i struggle with the idea that most people who aren't trans will like... not... TRULY respect my identity? like behind closed doors. which is something i know a lot of trans people struggle with and honestly that is... our own issue in regards to trust. if no one throws and red flags that they don't actually respect your identity, then you really just have to trust that they do.

it's just... honestly putting conditions on like. your trust i guess. PERSONALLY. like im putting conditions on myself such as: if i present masculine then people will respect my identity and assimilate to how i identify, even if i don't present that yet.

which... usually isn't the case? people may take longer to assimilate but if someone is going to respect you, you can usually tell. or i feel like i can.

however. i guess. i want to shortcut the assimilation? but it's unfair to me to just put myself on hold until i don't need to ask people to like. REALLY understand liek HEY. THAT PITCHY MOTHERFUCKER IS A DUDE. because it's hard. and i, in my tiny pea brain, feel like a shortcut would just already be presenting male boy man MASCULINE. however, like i said, it's unfair for me to put that on myself bc that's a LONG time to wait!! that's coming out, getting a new wardrobe, and ALSO getting HRT!! that doesn't just happen in one day.

i explained to some friends that like. sometimes i wish i could just present a certain way and then no one could really ever know me intimately.

and it's definitely not that im... ASHAMED of being trans!! it's very nice and cool! however i feel sad that like... we're still adjusting as a society in terms of like... gender i guess? like... i do not want to be seen as woman-lite by anyone. in any degree. and sometimes you need a deeper understanding of gender to get past like... the weird like. ok he's... he's boy but like kinda not boy??

IT'S JUST. MMM. BEING PERCEIVED AND NOT INTERPRETTED CORRECTLY IS VERY TERRIFYING AND I HATE IT AND UR RIGHT BEING CIS WOULD BE EASIER, I DON'T NECESSARILY WANT TO BE CIS, I WOULD JUST LIKE TO EMULATE CISNESS WHILST REMAINING QUEER WHICH I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF IT'S POSSIBLE.

however same!!! the relationships i have now i love and i care very deeply about and i feel that like... even though they've known me before i was like "ok masc and he/they" and shit like that, i do feel like they understand like

*points* boy!!

however when it comes to strangers it's so... scary. and like IDK. ITS SO FUNNY BECAUSE I'VE NEVER HAD TO DEAL WITH THIS BEFORE. AND IT'S WHY I WANT TO LIKE? EXPLORE THE COMMUNITY FOR OLDER TRANS PEOPLE. LIKE HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THIS???? how can you just BE OKAY when like... introducing yourself to strangers.

how can you just let... strangers in?

which is also *THROWS THINGS* THE WORST PART!!! I WANT TO BE A CONTENT CREATOR BUT I DON'T WANT TO WAIT!!!! I WANT MY VIEWERS TO GO BOY BOY BUT THEY WONT BECAUSE I HAVE NO FORM OF PRESENTATION BESIDE A PERSONA AND A VOICE AND MY VOICE IS PITCHY!!! ITS SO HIGH AND PITCHY!!!

and it's frustrating!! because i don't want an audience who doesn't like understand BOY!!! NOT WOMAN-LITE!!!!!!! NOT WOMAN GOING THRU PHASE!!!!!

BOYYYYY!!!!!

TLDR;

being trans is hard and i just don't want to be seen as woman-lite. i want to bee seen as like cis boy but trans. like i think i'd take more kindly to someone being like "omg i didn't even know you were trans!" to like someone infantilizing me and calling me a sweet little boy bean. and thats a lot easier between close friends! even though they have heard my voice and they've listened to me talk about being trans! they understand. and strangers?? have the potential to not. like they might? but what if they dont... and that's. Scary.

[sanstropfremir]

I absolutely LOVED reading your kingdom review. You gave me such an insight in things I never even considered, especially since our rankings are so different from each other. The Boyz was my favorite, the narrative was about RTK. How they felt bad for having to compete against their friends but eventually the groups only lifted each other up and it helped TBZ grow into the group they are now through the hardships and mental dilemma, falling into the next challenge right after they reached the top. It should have been more obvious though, I agree, it wasn't really visible for anyone who didn't know. I was wondering how you felt about the dancing in general? my reason for not ranking BTOB high was lack of choreo (and Peniel's verse), same goes for SF9. Mostly because I don't feel the hype when watching, it doesn't keep my focus on the stage. As a baby-performer myself, my goal is to make the viewer curious about what's next. is that the wrong way to look at it? that's what I've always been told, building the tension up and down to create focus. would love to hear your feedback on that! thank you so much for sharing, we need more reviews of people who actually know what they're talking about.

i'm glad that you got some insight from it! like i answered in the previous ask im here to hopefully bring some more depth and understanding for people that care and are curious!

you unintentionally proved my point about tbz’s performance: that is way too complicated! even the most talented solo dancers i can think of would have trouble distilling that down to something readable in 100 seconds, much less a group of like, a dozen people! the introductory stages are meant to show us the character of the group and their abilities in the most concise way possible, it's not the stage to do deep philosophical and emotional introspection. for a full stage? absolutely, go hog wild! but for this stage it was too ambitious and ultimately was ineffective to anyone that isn't a fan of them specifically. 

by dancing in general do you mean like, every group? i put most of my opinions on the dancing where i had them in each of the individual rankings but honestly? unless there is something that really stands out positively or negatively, a lot of ‘average’ kpop dance looks the same to me. i know it’s not, obviously, and if pressed i probably could do a more serious breakdown, but dance is only one element of performance. it has equal weight with all the others in my mind, and therefore i notice when it is either 

very good

does something unique

very bad, or

interferes with another element

which is the same as how i evaluate every element, if that makes sense. 

hmmmm. i thought about this a lot in the shower and turns out i had more opinions that i expected so i'll put them under a cut.

firstly, i don't think lack of choreo should be penalized or considered an ‘incomplete’ performance. at the end of the day, these are bands, and a part of their brand/product they sell is the music. complex choreo does not need to be attached to that to make it a successful performance. also, btob did have choreo. any movement on stage is technically choreography. but this terminology can cause confusion so usually non-dance choreo is referred to as ‘blocking.’ but they also did include the song’s original point choreo at 1.41. the blocking in their performance was well thought out and suited the arrangement, by placing spatial emphasis on each part of the song that needed it. obviously it comes down to personal taste if the performance is ultimately ‘successful,’ because all art is subjective, but just because something isn't as visually complex as something else doesn’t mean it doesn't have the same level of thought. think of it like this: one is a super clean-lined post-post-modern grey/white living room, and the other is a kitsch goth basement. both share interior design principles and have obvious care put into the space, but they are vastly different styles that appeal to different tastes.

part of the job of production designer/AD is to decide what gets emphasis. a question you're always asking yourself is ‘is this important to the story that we’re trying to tell?’ and btob/their AD made a very smart choice with their introductory stage because it says a lot about them and their abilities in a short amount of time. that stage said ‘our foundation is strong, we have the training and experience and confidence to be up here and not rely on visual tricks.’ because they know they physically cannot do the things the 4th gen groups can; they're a decade older and they only have four members, it's just not feasible. something you learn with experience is the power that specific and pointed emphasis holds, which segues into my answer to your last question. i don't necessarily think that ‘building hype’ is the wrong way to perform something, but i do think it is a flawed way to approach creating a performance.

i think that ‘hype’ is flawed concept at its core, and one that focuses on the idea that there’s always being something more, something next, beyond the work itself. now there’s nothing wrong with playing with tension within the internal structure of a piece, that's exactly how constructing a narrative happens. however, the flaws come once we extrapolate beyond the boundaries of that individual work. the idea of ‘whats next’ implies that you have to constantly be promoting, have a sequel coming, building hype etc so people will keep engaged with your work. which is deeply capitalistic in nature and operates on the assumption that art exists purely as a product to be sold. and in order to keep selling you need to keep making a bigger and better and more spectacular product. and this is not the case at all. marketability is not the essence of art, it merely a factor of creating it under this insufferable system. kpop in particular suffers from this because the industry is specifically fabricated to produce capitol. we can have discussions all day about idols and their artistic integrity but at the end of that day, they are all cogs working with a system that was specifically made up by essentially one person to be culturally exported and to just print buckets of money. so in following that train of thought, there is a constant attitude of bigger and better because shock value (whether positive or negative) gets social media attention and therefore it sells. and it has become exponentially easier (and also seemingly required) to make things that are bigger and better than ever before. i remember being blown away by the projection floor at the sochi 2014 olympics because something of that scale and complexity would never have been possible without literally having the funding of the olympics. now that technology is easily accessible to anyone with an amazon account and the time to learn how isadora works. in comparison, it took 2400 YEARS for just the job of a ‘theatre designer’ to be even become a job at all.

because of kpop’s fan culture it is especially prone to ‘hype’ behaviour. in general with the accessibility of the internet and social media, everything has turned into a competition, and who can generate the most buzz ‘wins’. but ultimately that has taken away the general public’s ability to recognize that you can enjoy something quietly and you can enjoy something slowly. that the enjoyment of something doesn’t need to be all exclamation marks and keysmashes and trending hashtags on twitter. there is value in a work engaging in an emotion within you that is not just excitement. most of the artists and companies that i consume the work of i don’t do so because their work makes me excited, i do so because i liked the experience of engaging with that work. several years ago i saw the eternal tides by legend lin dance theatre, which you can watch a really short clip of here. that is not slow motion, that is actually how slow the dancers are moving. and 90% of the show is performed like that. and its two hours long. and it was one of the most incredible performances i've ever seen. if i ever get the chance I will go see another one of their shows again, not because i care about how they can top that experience i had, but because i know they can produce that experience, and that is enough to make me want to seek them out again. the speed of the internet has also loosened the general public’s understanding of just exactly how long creating a performance work can take. the lead dancer in the eternal tides was with the company for eight years before she and the piece were ready enough to be performed. large scale operas, musicals, and plays often have a year or more of pre-production before they even get to rehearsal. smaller theatre companies workshop new pieces for years at a time. performance is hard and it takes time. you can eliminate some of that with sheer amounts of money and people, which is what the kpop industry has done, but it speeds up the cycle of consumption to a degree that is not sustainable, especially for companies and creators who do not have that kind of access. performers and performance makers often don't put enough trust in their audiences. if they like what they see, they will come back. they dont need to be constantly bombarded with content at all times.

now that i’ve said a bit about why i think hype is a flawed concept, let's bring it back to kingdom. sf9 did something very interesting with their stage in that they actively chose to limit their dance time. and this plays very well off the performance film stage that taeyang did a couple of weeks ago. taeyang is talented and confident (for good reason), and his solo was incredible. but when it came to the intro stage, instead of trying to one-up the solo stage, the group instead said ‘well people are going to be looking at us because taeyang is insanely talented, so let's show them that we ALL have the confidence and the attitude to be up here.’ no need for flashy theatrics, they had the foresight to do something that would make them stand out from the rest of the groups. even if i was just casually watching the stages without doing any analysis on them (like i did for rtk), i would still be able to distinguish them because they had the stones to stand around for half their stage time. now i recognize them and would like to see what else they can do. same principle as what btob and also what ikon did. there is a fine line between anticipation and hype that gets equated in media consumption nowadays, but the two are not the same.

i think the tldr on this is that you dont need to ‘build hype’ or ‘go all out’ to make an interesting work. just focus on telling the narrative that you want to tell, and the people that recognize that will come. i could have a lot more things to say about peoples shrinking attention spans and the constant stream of information that we consume on a daily basis that devalues the labour done by artists in the eyes of the public and promotes hustle culture that is burning out and damaging creators at a rate that is both exponential and frightening, but that’s probably for another time, because this is SO LONG

[kaihoku]

V20   ONE DAY - October, 2001

I just like having them good feels, ya know? And how do they feel, you ask? Well...they feel...good...ya know? S’the truth.

~*~

Waking up in the morning, the first thing I'd do is look up at the sky. If I happen to have the day off and the weather looks good, I'd feel the beach calling. So I'd go and have myself some fun but call it a day when I feel it's a good time to stop, telling myself there's always next time. This is usually some time slightly after noon.

See, if ignored my senses, what will happen is that I'd feel extremely tired which means I'd be struggling to stay awake during the drive back to the city. This really isn't a condition I like finding myself in. Not only that, this would also affect the rest of my day because I wouldn't feel up to doing anything much with it. This is why I always prefer to stop while I'm ahead. This way, I'd still be able to do other things before the day ends.

For example, if I felt like going out to eat, I'd first take a quick shower and change into a nice tee. If the place only opens in the evening, say, at 6, I'd look around for something to do before I leave. Maybe I'd see that the floor could use some cleaning and figure there's time for it. After I'm done, I'd maybe notice that the vacuum is almost full and needs to be emptied out. So I'd empty the content into a trashcan, roll up the cord and put the vacuum back where it belongs. But as I do all this, I'd realize at the back of mind that I'm running short on time. And you know how irony works because it's only when we don't have much time that we'd find ourselves caught in heavy traffic. So I'd quickly switch tactics to use the back streets instead. If I made it there in time, I'd feel real proud of myself and do a little victory whoop.

Say the place I arrive at is a tonkatsu restaurant. When their food arrive, what most people would do is to squirt sauce all over their tonkatsu and focus on mainly eating just that. But I'd make it a point to eat some of the thinly sliced cabbage as well only to end up finishing everything on my plate. After that, I'd head home, soak in the bath for a bit and go to bed, where I'd quickly fall asleep.

I suppose everything I do is done with the intention of feeling good on the inside. Being an active sort of person, I'd spend time doing things that would keep my body moving. It's in this way that Im able to keep my spirit up. I dunno, it just feels like such a huge waste to me to not properly use the time I've got. Like, if I find myself lounging around just channel surfing with nothing in particular I wanted to watch, I'd get really pissed at myself. Because I could literally be at it for hours in the afternoon between 1 to 4 and by the time I realize it, the time would be gone forever. And I'd berate myself for not doing something else more productive with all that lost time.

I love going to the beach a lot but it feels good being in the city, too. It being convenient is one, but there's also the fact that a lot of people I know are there. Maybe a lot of it has got to do with work. Schedule-wise, a lot of times I'm there is due to work but personally, I don't really see it that way. I see it more as a place where I get to actively do things and stay moving. And, like I said earlier, that's something that always gives me a really good feeling. I mean, once the camera starts rolling, the actors I was having a lot of fun talking to just a minute ago would get into their character and turn into deadly assassins #1 and #2. It never fails to amaze me how I get to see things like that.

On a recent day off, I went for a stroll in the park. And just like that, I got hit by clear memories of the time I learned how to ride a bike there, like some kind of flashback. I think I was still a pre-schooler then. I recognized the slope that seemed so huge and neverending in my memory but seeing it now, I realized it's actually a pretty small slope that's not especially wide either. With the training wheels of my bike removed, pop told to get on it and from the top of that slope, gave me a push. Needless to say, the whole thing ended badly. There was also a path with a rock where I took a picture with him. He looked so grumpy in it, you'd think something crawled up his—

The Tokyo that I remember from back when I was a pre-schooler hasn't changed much, in all honesty. The park, which closes its gates at 5 in the evening, used to give me this forbidding impression that absolutely noone can get inside after closing hours. When I look at it now, though, I realized that the fence surrounding the property is actually so low, just about anyone could easily jump over if they wanted to. There were also times where I drove my car down a literal memory lane based on what memory I had alone only to find that it's actually too narrow for a car to pass through. I find it very neat how we still get to see places we’ve seen before when we were kids once again as grown ups.

When I left, I told myself I’d visit that park again. I'm not sure if this is just my ego talking, but I really want to bring my own kids to this place where I learned how to ride a bike as a kid, and teach them how to ride one themselves someday. And if the weather turns out to be sunny, I’m sure the feeling would be an amazing one.

-kujukuri-