#im ok im ok. im unaffected by this i am so ok rn

[puppyboypatrick]

back in jim bogart world

[aph-estonia]

every time i think about being near other people i actually do throw up in my mouth a lil. many such cases! very sad to see...

[hawberries]

anons

some of these are from like… 2 whole week ago and im Very Sorry. im trying to get better at replying to anons so please send me your question again if you would still like me to answer it!!

(if you just sent me a nice message, i probably read it 8 times and held my face and im very, very grateful and thank you)

Would you be opposed to receiving a fan letter? It would just be a letter addressed to you plus maybe some fan art/gifts!!             

i would actually be super flattered and honoured wft?!?! i do have a PO box if anyone wants to like, send me a postcard i guess!! I’ll do my best to dutifully reply to everyone!

Leonie Li PO Box 3707 Marsfield NSW 2122 Australia

i was gonna ask about where to print coin purses/pencil cases/glass cleaner cloths from when you did haikyuu merch? i couldnt find anything in the faq ;A;

artscow when they have a sale!

It was amazing seeing you today at supanova, you're just as nice in person as I thought you'd be!

Aaaa I bought a bookmark from you on Saturday and it's really pretty! You did a really good job!! ><

thank you so much! i hope you guys enjoyed the conventions <333 thanks for helping to make my experience so great!

Your art is so SWEEET and adorable. I feel so calm whenever I see it idk but  awesome job on all the work you've put into art! It's really inspiring.

I'm sure you hear this all the time but dear, I think you and your art is amazing and beautiful ^w^            

T_____T thank you s much!! that really means a lot to me that people can feel a Good Emotion looking at my art, and i’m super grateful that you took the time to tell me about it! even if it took me. SO LONG. to get back to you. im so sorr

Damen's dimple! I can't believe i never notice before . It's perfect.

i’ve always drawn him with a dimple so when pacat #confirmed it i felt like all of my dreams had been realised…

just wondering why you can't make cp charms? people have before and yours look awesome!

ah it’s like… a small/individual IP so i wanted to clear it with her before i made stuff like charms. she’s just checking rn!

hi i know pacat is unsure about if you can sell capri merch, so i was wondering if - when/if you do get confirmation, you'll sell the charms and art on your site? i love your art so much and id love prints of it, so would you sell them if you got permission? and the charms too? 

please i’ve already got SO much capri merch DRAWN AND READY TO GO, the very instant pacat says she’s okay with it i’m gonna start selling! i’ve got five charm designs and postcard ideals and i really, really want to make a zine!! my fingers are crossed!

im not too optimistic because she said she’d ask her agent and almost all fan merch is Technically Illegal (just some creators are okay with/unaffected by it), but since tcp is a book series with no visual element to the IP it’s possible that selling visuals will be… okay?? WE CAN HOPE. it’s possible that i’ll make the zine anyway and just sell it at cost or something lmao.

is it bad that i want to marry your (or actually damen's) laurent? he is so beautiful *happy sigh*

laurent is perfect from every angle and everyone wants to marry him

Different anon: there's a lot of things I wouldn't consider nsfw myself, but it was explained to me that nsfw is things a parent would freak out about if seen on their kids computer. And like, it doesn't look nsfw to me but I could see where a parent wouldn't be willing to listen to the explanation.

hey my dude! nsfw is less about what is explicit sexual content and more about what someone would get in trouble for viewing at work or wouldn't want minors to see. you're totally free to feel one way or another about the freedom of the human body and depicting it through art is your prerogative, but tagging nsfw is just courteous. 

ok so like… i understand that nsfw is a vague AF term and could mean anything. i do personally use it only to tag artwork that is sexual in nature because of tumblr’s filtering systems. the thing is, i don’t believe kissy fanart is more likely to get someone fired than any other kind of fanart, if viewed at work where you shouldn’t look at fanart. and i guess i just don’t think a drawing of two men cuddling in bed is particularly damaging to kids? i suppose you can read a sexual implication but i honestly only intend to illustrate some tender affection, and it’s not meant to be at all sexual or erotic.

i’m feeling a bit lectured to because i have a separate blog for R18 drawings that is appropriately flagged and VERY thoroughly tagged, and i am dutifully tagging for nudity, so it’s not like i’m being irresponsible or discourteous. and I can’t shake the feeling that if I was drawing a heterosexual relationship with the same level of intimacy, i wouldn’t be getting these admonishments.

that said, i will definitely try to consider more thoroughly how other people might see my work in the future, and maybe be a little more discerning about which works get put on this blog. i’m trying to keep this blog 15+, so i don’t intend to put ANY works that require a nsfw tag here at all, but i do get that the kind of intimacy i’m putting out might ping the same squicks that actual sex does.

Your art is so beautiful and I've seen a lot of thing for 'Captive Prince' but I've never heard of it before, may I ask what that is.

what's captain prince?

it’s an extremely R18 fantasy-historical romance trilogy by queer australian author c. s. pacat! it’s got some heavy themes (the handling of it ranges from good to tolerable, imo – for a point of reference, it does not get worse than Game of Thrones and is far less indulgent) and it definitely won’t be to everyone’s tastes, but i really enjoyed the romance in it so much. damen and laurent are in love

[sapphirescales]

i wish tht my dad would just....make his mind up abt whether or not he gives a shit. my dad, who emotionally and verbally abused me since i was four years old. who told me to go wh/ore myself out, who taught me to consistently hate myself, who let me starve for days on end during my undergrad because he’d give me rm100 (which is like 22 dollars) to live on for a month. who throws fits at restaurants when he feels they’re too expensive, yells at waiters and waitresses, etc. who whipped me with the end of a copper wire, who i still have scars on my thighs from, just bc i agitated him. who once got angry at me for breathing. who consistently talks to me abt what a burden i am to him, financially and otherwise, and makes me wish i was never born. 

and then he’ll turn around and??? when my mum had her first proper psychosis episode two years ago, rushed home from uni to take care of her and the household and he legit??? thanked me??? and told me he wouldn’t know what he’d do without me??? when i was working, we’d have conversations like real people, real kids and their parents do? he would talk to me abt my novel writing ( which, he never does bc he doesn’t support it and thinks it’s a stupid waste of my time ) and encouraged me to write? he told me abt his own plans n hopes n dreams and abt his frustrations with work?

for my bday, we went to a really nice steak house, where he must’ve spent hundreds on me even tho i never asked for that (why would i when even spending a few bucks on me for sweets was always The Biggest Burden to him), which had like a live band playing and everything?? and it was really nice and he never once made any noise about how much it cost??? who took us on holiday for the first time in our entire lives last year, and we went to langkawi, and it was??? really nice??? he spent THOUSANDS and never once??? got pissy or upset or anything about it??? i ended up FEELING BAD that he’d spent so much???

and then, i lost my stipend abt two months ago because i switched phd supervisors. i’m living off nothing but my savings rn, and i obvs had to update my parents on my financial situation. and i told my dad tht i would be getting a job, etc (tho, i still havent because its hard to find smt w flexible timings and within travel distance so i’m probs gonna have to move back home in june/july lmao) and he was like don’t worry abt it, if working is taking away from yr phd, just let me know, i can give you money.

i cant remember the last time me and my dad got into an argument, i cant remember the last time he raised his voice at me or even LOOKED at me angrily. today, he randomly messaged me asking if i needed money to eat -- the first time, in my whole ENTIRE LIFE, where he’s done that. where it feels like he’s thought of me, and about me, and is concerned for me.

and like!!! i know tht this seems like Nothing, or it seems like one of those situations where im overinflating a few Nice Things he did and weighing it up against the abuse as though they’re equivalent, but i’m not. and its not that i think that spending money on someone means that you love them, i know it’s not. but my dad is really...money-oriented. money means EVERYTHING to him, and majority of our family issues are rooted in the fact that he doesn’t want to spend money on us, not just w/ regards to Big Things like holidays or whatev. but legit, food we need to survive, or money for clothes. he’s always only ever been willing to spend money on people outside of our nuclear family, but never us. the fact that he’s suddenly flipped with regards to this is, to me, Significant, not because money means so much to me, but because spending money means so much to HIM. like, it feels almost...apologetic from him and i don’t know what to do with it. i can’t forgive him for all the things he did to me, and for how fucked up i am now because of it, and part of me hates him so much??? 

at the same time, there’s a part of me, who isn’t tht little girl who he used to smack around and yell at and make feel so small, who understands??? he never meant to be abusive and he probably doesn’t think he was??? which isn’t to excuse him, ofc, but it means tht now he’s? idk regretting that we arent closer or something like that and trying to make up for it? that, he really did love me and value me all along, and he didn’t think of me as a waste of time and space and resources tht he wished was never born? there’s a part of me who sees tht he’s gotten so much older and wearier and he’s? tired of pretending to be aloof and unaffected? tired of pretending like he DOESN’T want us to care abt him?

and i dont know what to do with that, or how to reconcile those two different understandings. i dont know how to feel or where i should be at. like this isn’t anything new, its been building up over the past two years, i just don’t know??? what to do with it??? he messaged me today asking if i needed money?? like he cares?? why does he have to blur the lines like this at THIS stage in my life? and i dont know what to do or how to feel and i’m just

yea ok this got really long sry