#im not trying to be harsh but clinging on to people who dont make you feel much

[stuckinapril]

If you don’t mind me asking, what does outgrowing someone mean to you?

it's just when your values or priorities or overall person stops aligning w theirs i think. i used to contextualize outgrowing people as a dramatic falling out!! i hate their guts!! they did me dirty!! but w growing up came the revelation that that's hardly ever the case. most of my experiences outgrowing people have been a slow burn. each of us takes a step back, one bit at a time, and then it suddenly hits that the differences have grown far too wide to reconcile. it's almost never just this cataclysmic moment where they're this monumentally shitty caricature of a person.

and sometimes it's just you taking that step back, while they remain in place. sometimes it's just them, and you feel abandoned and stuck. but i stopped demonizing people who just naturally drift away from me--and i also stopped feeling guilty for drifting away from people. i think this is a major thing i've struggled w after reconnecting w a close friend: the realization that she's not a bad person, that she's been going to therapy and addressing her issues, that she's far kinder and more patient and more understanding now... but that maybe she's still not for me and that is okay. at the end of the day it really does come down to how that person makes you feel.

i used to suppress my gut feeling & intuition & just force myself to dwell around people who felt like they were sapping me of air rather than imbuing my life in any way. bc i didn't wanna hurt their feelings. bc they're not a bad person. bc they didn't do anything wrong. but what about what i wanted? so long as you're not a jerk about communicating these feelings, i think it's valid to acknowledge you've outgrown someone--whether it bc bc they changed, whether it be bc you changed, or whether it be bc you woke up one day and just started feeling differently. you're not wrong in that, and neither is anyone in your life who may feel that way about you in the future.

[jackrabbit-fandom]

Hi hi hi!!! I saw you write for one piece and was wondering if I could request something for luffy thats probably a little too specific..????

I headcannon luffy is somewhere on the aro/ace or gray spectrum and would just be so interested in reading about reader having feelings for him because hes like just you know luffy our boy😭 and luffy considers reader as practically oul mate type thsts how close they are.

Maybe like he feels just a tiny bit of something but decides to leave that until after he becomes king of the pirates but if its too hard you dont have to do this😭😭

Like doesnt have to be anything long or too grand and its okay if you dont want to write it🙏but thank you so much in advanve if you make it! ^^ (also hopefully no events that happen after sabaody because thats where i am right now im sorry but you dont have to if yoh dont want!😭💔)

AroAce Luffy headcanons (sorta)

So I'm not super versed on the aro part of the spectrum, but i am on the ace side, so i know more given that. Ether way, luffy is one of my favorites, and this is one of my own headcanons for him. More so, headcannon style then "story" cause im still trying to figure that part out, lol

Firstly, I'll say that to make this work, im going more so in the demi-romantic/sexual side. I am of the opinion that while he is slightly oblivious, and let's be honest, kinda dumb at times, luffy isn't completely clueless to these things.

Nothing too big here, gender neutral pronouns, fluff/tiny bit of angst, It's a tiny suggestive, but it's not really anything bad, Mabye, a bit of crack cause luffy

Sorry if this wasn't exactly what you were looking for. Like i said, I've never done this before, but hopefully, you liked it anyway

~Jack

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Having feelings for this guy would be kinda hard, mainly because he's very obvious when people do like him. Hed likely just assumed your best buds for a while unless you get the courage to just tell him. This can get frustrating when he's constantly hugging you and hanging around you.

If we do go fully on aroace luffy, it'd probably hurt a bit. He'd probably fully ignore your feelings for him or just not notice. It would be more so a one-sided pinning. If you're part of his crew, he likely clings onto you like he does with the others, which could also make things worse

If you confess to him now, he'd just straight up tell you he's not interested, or he doesn't care about that kinda thing

However, if we go more of a demi route and you confess, theres a few outcomes:

The first one is that he just bluntly says he's not interested, just like in the aroace one, which is kinda harsh but not fully unexpected. I don't think he'd mean it to actually hurt you, but he does mainly seem to tell the truth with these things

The second would be where he misunderstands your confession somehow? And it ends up as a kind of "i love you." "i love you too, buddy!" Thing which just gets awkward....

The third is where he's known you for quite some time and has been able to get close enough to develop some feelings. With him, he's a very loyal friend, but in terms of relationships, he's not used to feeling that kind of love, i guess? So it'd likely take him a bit of time to get used to the feeling and figure out what to do with it. It likely does come with confusion and a few questions, but as i said, he's not COMPLETELY clueless. He knows what a relationship is, at least. You'd have to essentially be his soulmate, which in his mind is likely someone who has his sense of humor and can cook. Obviously, he has a bit more to that, such as he'd prefer someone who doesn't manipulate or hurt ithers for their own personal gain

If he were to start a relationship, i do think it would have to be after he became king of the pirates. He doesn't really want many distractions in his adventure when it comes to that kind of relationship. Plus, like i said, he'd have to be very close to you, so assuming you a strawhat as well, I'd give him plenty of time to grow attached. So once his goal was reached, he may be willing to try a relationship. I still see him as a very goofy person even then, so he'd probably still just treat you like his best buddy but with a new title.

Like i said, i dont think much would change when it comes to how he treats you. He's already very affectionate with his crew, so he likely acts the same with you. If you asked, though, i think he'd try to give you a bit more than the others, but it still wouldn't be a big difference. Though if you asked for a kiss... you might end up with the sloppiest wettest smooch in the world right on your cheek.

Given that he's inexperienced, he might ask the others for some advice which likely wouldn't end well, its ether zoro giving him the dumbest awnsers sense they share a brain cell, sanji attempting to give luffy 'gentleman lessons" and getting frustrated, usopp acting like a expert just to not be that, or him finally getting to nami and robin and getting actual advice. That would somehow backfire anyway.

On the side of Ace, i don't think he'd be very interested in that kind of stuff. It's been confirmed that he reacts towards the bath scenes and such due to usopp being there. He just doesn't strike me as the type to be overly active in that area, again i dont think hes clueless,i doubt makima never gave him and his brother 'the talk' he just doesnt care for it. It's just never been something he's been interested in. He likely overheard Shanks talking about it at some point but didn't really care.

One piece and luffy are not my own characters, though the headcannons themselves are mine

Sorry for any grammer or spelling errors.

[komoreangel]

𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐬𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭 (𝐫𝐞𝐪)

pairings: childe x reader, scaramouche x reader, xingqiu x reader 

scenario: he’s yours, and yours alone, right? so it’s only fitting that you get to make that clear to anyone who gets close, of course. 

request: hi!! i hope requests are open! can i ask for hcs of scaramouche, childe and xingqiu with a possessive partner? like their partner is the type to get jealous easily, try to display affection in public so people won't get close etc :)) thank you so much!!

reply: help i like this a lot hjfkhgn i can just imagine them getting smug because their s/o is being clingy in public,,,,and the randoms who are flirting with them get to be all like ??? who ? where? and its just yes thank you lolol

genre: smug childe/scara/xing plus clingy reader and also maybe a bit suggestive in scaramouche’s ?? plus you get to tell everyone dont touch your mans <3

scaramouche

because of his unlikeable personality, he didn’t get hit on very often

but if he ran into someone with no idea of who he was?

they were 9 times out of 10 going to flirt with him

(and who wouldnt i mean look at him he is one fine ass man i love him sm) 

but if they tried this while you were with him they were going to be met with a WALL OF FAILURE 

how dare they try to take your man 

you might just smile at them like ‘hey bestie,,,,stfu’ 

and let them watch as you plant a huge kiss on his cheek

he’s a bit startled because while you are very affectionate you don’t often kiss him (because you know he isnt too fond of it) 

sure you hug him and hold his hand

but after you wrap your arms around him and rest your chin on his shoulder

he’ll get that prideful look on his face (that you almost want to slap off of him) 

like yes

theyre a simp for me >:) 

you give him another kiss and turn to look at the poor individual who decided to flirt with your boyfriend

“scara, who’s this?”

scara

you only ever call him that in private

you must be feeling really jealous right now, huh?

you then proceed to bury your face in his neck

the person is obviously a bit flustered now

their previous statement has lost ALL of its value

scaramouche looks from you to them and smiles again

“so, what was it you were going to say?”

they stumble over their words and end up just saying “oh, nothing...i’ll be going now.”

once they’re gone he turns back to you, with your head on his shoulder and your arms around him

he’s grateful you managed to get him out of that situation tbh

but he’s even more happy to give you the attention you seem to be craving right now

from the privacy of your own home, of course :)

childe

childe would be ecstatic to have a s/o who’s overly affectionate in public

no doubt he would let you do whatever you wanted

you want to pepper his face with kisses? go ahead!

you want to sit on his lap? be his guest!

so when you tell him you tend to be a bit possessive he’s all for it

plus, he’s probably the same way so he doesn’t mind

someone flirts with him? he calls you over to come do your thing

embrace him with a hug and have him play with your hair right in front of that other person

he thinks it’s hot lmao

and watching you get jealous over anyone who gets a bit too close is cute too

the look on your face when he catches you staring at him is irresistible

“ah, are you jealous darling?”

head empty just childe calling you darling

hhhhhhh

he’d also be the type to let people approach him just so he can see you in action

you’d come up behind him and hug him from the back

just to greet him

then you notice the person in front of them

hands clasped together

eyes to the ground, flushed red face

they were flirting with him

you stumble away from him and look at them

“who are you?”

your tone is harsh, and childe can’t help but smile

"i..um..."

they continue to stutter their way through their sentence

you had lost interest about five words in

you were too busy playing with childe's hair

right in front of them :))

midway into their words, you turn to look at them

the glare you aim towards them is as sharp as childe's own blades, and you say,

"why are you still here?"

they're at a loss for words

who knew someone like you could be so cruel?

of course childe doesnt mind at all

he'd be glad to let you say whatever you want out of jealousy

it fuels his ego

the automatic response to that is making sure to keep him in check

dont let his head get too big

and by that i mean remind him every now and them how lucky he is to have you :)

xingqiu

he would think you were so cute

the way you cling to him almost all the time

most passerby would think you were simply very affectionate

which you are, he won’t lie

but he knows that you have another reason besides that

so you can tell everyone that this man

is yours

not that anyone in liyue harbor approaches him anyways

they all know better

would totally be the type to push your chin up with one finger

unfortunately for the girl from the mond family visiting this week

she doesn’t know better

so when you see her walking with him you first calm yourself down

you won’t assume her intentions, and he’s allowed to have friends

but when she trails her hand up his arm

oh HELL

you stomp over in their direction

hell hath no fury like a y/n scorned

as xing says anyway

you go straight up to him and wrap your arms around his neck as a greeting

“oh, it’s you. what are you doing here?”

you don’t answer and instead place a kiss on his face

the girl stands behind i’m, shocked that this whole time he had a significant other

“sweetie, is there a reason you’re?

he trails off

you have “noticed” the other girl and glare in her direction

that’s enough to scare her off

she goes running back home

xing has the most smug look on his face

“wow, i knew you got jealous offend, but that??”

you blush as he reaches out to push your hair away from your face

he smiles at you and the two of you head for home, with you clinging to his arm and happily walking along with him

a/n: im so sorry this took like forever to get up i procrastinated for so long jhkfdng anyway requests are now open again :)) i have a diluc oneshot in progress that i started on his birthday but...well.

want to make a request? head to my ask box!

[cloudhayato]

*pulls up to the drive-through* can i get an imagine where y/n is bleeding out and dying and she asks xanxus (blood type o so he’s a universal donor 😍) if he would donate blood to her? and what his reaction would be?

Sure!! I tried to be as in character as possible and i dont remember the events of canon very well so im sorry fow any inconsistencwies >w<

You’re no stranger to conflict. It was abundant in the mafia, from territory disputes to hits on powerful individuals, you knew what you were getting into.

Still, you never imagined that you would qualify for the VARIA of all things. A completely elite squad that was a height barely anyone ever reached. Guess picking up languages from all those places you lived, and becoming adept at killing, really served you well in the end. You should probably be more worried about what that says about you, but you’ve thrown morals to the wind a long time ago.

But now wasn’t the time to get distracted. While you were familiar with conflict, this was on a scale you’ve never seen before. It had been ten years since you joined the VARIA as their cloud guardian, proving your skills when you saved their boss, Xanxus, from an assassination attempt while he was busy fighting off several other threats from the front. This had ended up with you getting very close to the man, and soon became one of his commanders.

That’s why he trusted you to join the fight with the Millefiore, where it was a desperate power struggle with numbers on par with armies. This was no small dispute, this was straight up war, and while stress and fear edge you on in the peripheries of your mind, looking your boss in the face gives you strength.

“Bel and Fran, you go together. Head east or some shit.” Squalo commanded. “Luss and Levi, you stay here in the main fortress.”

There was some objections from the group that you tuned out, too used to this nonsense to really care. You roll your eyes fondly when Squalo screams out his signature “VOI!” in frustration, and eventually getting having had enough, he ignores them and turns to you.

“Y/N you’re sticking with the boss. Make sure he doesn’t cause any trouble.”

You feel your heartbeat speed up at that order. Did Squalo want just you to stay by the boss’ side? Did he know something? You narrow your eyes, trying to read into any deeper meaning that the command may have, but he’s already turned around and barrelling through the trees. That signals everyone else to head off too, and now you really are alone with Xanxus.

He doesn’t look at you, eyes closed and head resting on his hand. It’s like he doesn’t even care that you’re here, but you’ve learned how to read him in the first few years. If he wasn’t actively murdering you, that meant he was tolerating your presence. The heat in your cheeks increased and you feel honoured by that notion.

You sit by his side for a few minutes, not really talking. There’s no other throne and you know he won’t let you share his, so you sit on the floor cross-legged like a child in a classroom. It’s demeaning, but you were willing to do it for Xanxus. He would never do it back for you, but you knew when things were really desperate, he would protect his fellow squad members with his life.

As if that was a taunt to fate, you perk up when you hear the trees outside the building I’m pretty sure you’re in rustle, and the next second the building comes down around the both of you. You use your propagation to turn your weapon, a stick, into a reinforced straw hut and hide inside as rubble bonks off the top. You’re barely focusing on that, though, your mind racing with one thought and one thought only.

We’re under attack!

When you’re sure it’s safe, you step out of your stick shelter in order to get a good view of your enemy. It was someone who looked surprisingly like Bel but more of a shaggy sheepdog look, and some other guy who didn’t really look like anyone you knew but had a water elephant, which was pretty interesting.

You listened to their words, trying to get an understanding of their goals, and then rage floods inside you. They wanted to hurt the boss? To hurt Xanxus? He was one of the people you cared for more than anyone, and you refuse to let that happen.

You jump in front of Xanxus, and are about to put your VARIA cloud ring into your box when you hear the sonic screeching of bats. It startles you for a second and when you go to look up, blood immediately explodes out of you in a disturbing and grotesque fashion. You fall to the ground, in utter pain and close to death, yet still clinging onto life.

It’s impossible for you to tell how long the battle went on, but you felt it clearly when it ended. That’s when Xanxus walked over to you, and stood over your bleeding and bruised body. Just staring.

“B-boss-!” You coughed, blood leaking out of your mouth as you did so. “I need you to- to donate me blood! You’re the universal donor!”

It was imperative that all VARIA squad members knew each other’s blood types, in case something happened on the battlefield and anyone needed a transfusion. No one actually knew Xanxus’ blood type except you, because you were close and he didn’t feel the need to hide that information when signing official medical insurance documents provided by the Vongola.

In fact, you were fully confident in how close you two were, that it took you by complete surprise when Xanxus’ gritted his teeth, and his scars increased all over his body.

“What did you say, scum?” He growled, voice harsh, like shattering glass.

You swallow, suddenly very afraid.

“Xanxus pl-”

“Are you trying to mock me?” He cut you off, still encased in his own fury. “You think just because my blood isn’t Vongola that you’re worthy of it? Huh?”

No, you didn’t think that at all! It didn’t matter to you at all where he had come from, you only cared about who he is now. The person you got to know and... And fall in l-

You never get to finish that thought.

“Die, trash.” Are the last words you ever hear, before the sound of a gunshot and everything goes black.

[platinummice]

This was a lot more that i thought for some reason, the answers are pretty short and to the point so if you want me to elaborate on something a bit more feel free to ask :)

@rockshortage

What of the Meyers-Briggs personality types they most fit into? INFP, ENFT, et cetera…

Did a take a test to figure this out? Why yes, yes I did. ISFP-T, or Adventurer is what I got for Archer.

Do they have any emotional or psychological conditions? Are they aware of it? Do they try to treat it?

He sure does, but he doesn’t really know what it is. He mostly just thinks he’s going literally insane. It’s a pretty big reason for him not sticking around people very much even though he craves affection.

Are they good at handling change in their life?

No not really, Archer has a hard time, now more than ever trying to keep his simple life together, he’d prefer it not change as much as possible.

Is your OC a martyr?

He tries pretty hard not to be, or at least to not show that he is. He sees the truth though.

Does your OC make a lot of excuses? For themselves? Others?

Archer is pretty straight forward, if he fucked up he’ll say something. But he’ll make things up for others if he like them enough.

Does your OC compromise easily? Too easily?

I guess it depends? If its not something that matters very much, compromise will be easier, but if he thinks it’s important then he’s going to be harder to bargain with.

Does your OC put others’ needs before their own?

Only his dogs and his friends needs get put before his own. Anyone else? so sorry.

Does your OC have any addictions? If so and problematic, have they admitted it to themselves?

He’s addicted to taking in animals? Seems harmless, but in truth he does it so he has a reason to keep living, which isn’t healthy. I can’t say he’d still be alive if he hadn’t taken Ranger and Fletcher with him the day those raiders killed the rest of his dogs. 

Does your OC have any phobias? If so, where did they come from?

He’s terrified of needles. Thanks mom and dad.

Is your character empathetic?

He is, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to care.

Is your character observant?

Yes, very. Probably because he works with animals a lot, and its very important to notice their body language, so he can read people and situations pretty well. Plus he’s more of a sniper so being observant is important.

What’s one of your OC’s proudest moments of themselves?

He was really proud when he finished building his house, and all the furniture for it.  

Do they get jealous easily? Do they feel bad if they do?

He doesn’t get jealous very easily, but even when he does he doesn’t bring it up. He’ll sulk around a bit, and when asked he’ll say he fine. He wont really feel bad about if? Its just an emotion, it happens sometimes.

What instantly irritates them or puts them in a bad mood?

Seeing people hurt animals for no reason. He will throw down. Might not win, but its the thought that counts.

Are they harsh on themselves?

YES.

Do they make excuses often?

Nah he’s pretty fast to admit when he’s doing something wrong.

Is your OC intended to be found generally attractive? Unattractive? Average? Is there a reason why?

I mean i didn’t make him like super ugly? But i wasn’t going for amazingly attractive either, so average i guess?

Does your OC place much importance on their appearance? Do they feel confident in it?

He wears a mask all the time so he really doesn’t care. I mean at one point he had tore most of his hair out and just had a few scattered clumps clinging to his head, but people couldn’t see his face so it didn’t matter to him.

What are some of your OC’s biggest personal obstacles? This could be emotional, physical, social… Are they aware of it? Are they trying to overcome it?

He got some damn big emotional problems, and he recognizes some, like his slowly diminishing will to live. But things like his urge to have someone else control his entire existence he doesn’t really realize are problems. 

Do they believe you have to give respect to get it, or get respect to give it?

Everyone starts off with a set amount of respect. You either get more or have it taken away depending on your actions.

Is your OC considered funny? Do they believe they’re funny?

Arch can be pretty funny, if he has anything its a sense of humor.

Does your OC find any “bad” or “mean” humor funny? Do they wish they didn’t?

Yeah he does, what can you do. No guilt will stop him.

Do they have a large or small group of friends?

He has two dogs and sometimes he works with a stinky man. He thinks Gage is a friend but does Gage think he is a friend? Who knows if Gage will ever tell him.

Do they have people they are genuinely honest with about themselves?

....His dogs?

Does your OC enjoy social events, such as parties, clubs, et cetera..?

He likes talking to people, but if there are too many people around he gets overwhelmed pretty fast.

Does your OC like to be the center of attention or more in the mix?

More in the mix, he gets anxious.

Do they consider themselves superior or more important than anyone else? Lesser?

Arch considers himself less important then most people, thats mental illness babey. 

Do your OC’s morals and rules of common decency go out the window when it comes to those they don’t like, or when it’s inconvenient? Aka, are their morals situational?

He’d throw everything to the wind for his dogs. Sorry friends, but they’ve helped him through too much.

Do they believe people change over time? If so, is it a natural process or does it take effort?

Well he knows that he has changed a lot, so why not other people too?

How religious is your OC? What do they practice, if anything? If they don’t associate with any religion, what do they think of religion in general?

When he was in the Mojave, Joshua taught him about Mormonism, but he didn’t really understand. He remembers some stuff, but after he left he didn’t try to keep up with practicing it. 

Do they believe in an afterlife?

It’s not something he takes time to think about really. That kid of a ‘ill cross that bridge when i get there’ type thing

Would they like to be immortal? Why, why not? If they are immortal, would they rather not be?

He would definitely not like that. He can barely manage his mental health as it is.

Would you say that your OC is intelligent? In what ways? Would your OC agree?

Smart when it comes to plants and animals, just about everything else? Not so smart.

How many languages do they speak?

Speaks exactly one(1) language.

Do they enjoy learning? Do they actively seek out sources of self-education?

He likes learning things, its just getting that knowledge to stick in his head that’s a problem. He doesn’t really seak out knowledge but if he has the chance to ask about things he will.

What sort of home do they live in now, if at all? How did they end up there?

Its just a little shack like building, but he built it and he’s proud.

What’s their ideal home look like? Where is it?

A big ol’ farm house, lots of room for lots of dogs/friends

Could they ever live in a “tiny home”?

I dont think so, but it’d be funny as hell.

How handy are they? Can they fix appliances, cars, cabinets, et cetera?

He can fix simple things, cabinets, chairs, dressers. Nothing too much more advanced than that.

How much do they work? What do they do? Do they enjoy it?

He works really all the time. From when he wakes up to when he goes to bed. He basically runs a mini zoo by himself, its a lot of work but he loves it.

How often are they home?

Pretty often, he has animals to take care of.

Are they homebodies and enjoy being home?

Not really, he likes being out and about.

Do they engage in any of the arts? How good do you intend them to be? Would they agree they are?

Archer is actually pretty musically inclined, he’d never admit it though. You might be able to catch him singing to his dogs, if you're lucky.

Would they enjoy a theme park?

Maybe if he could somehow go when there aren’t any people there. That might sill be pushing it. He gets overwhelmed easily.

Is your OC close to their family?

Nope.

Who makes up your OC’s family, at least the more important members to them?

He only ever knew his mom and his dad. If there was anyone else in his family he never met them.

Does your OC find their family supportive? If not, what would be an example why not?

Nah he really doesn’t think they’re supportive of him. They definitely wanted him dead.

What kind of childhood did your OC have?

:)

Did they go through any typical phases growing up?

He went through a lot of things, but never got the chance to be emo.

What is your OC’s orientation, romantic and/or sexual? Has it ever been a source of stress for them? Have they always been pretty sure of their orientation?

I know i said he was strictly gay yesterday but im thinking he’d actually probably be Pan and he’d just lean towards more masculine partners. He hasn’t really thought about his sexuality so he’s never had a reason to be stressed over it.

Is your OC a thoughtful partner, in whatever aspect of that you want to cover?

Any space in his mind that was supposed to be used for math and literacy etc. is now storage space for little facts about the people he cares about. He will remember. Oh you said you thought this flower was pretty six an half years ago in passing and i found one so i thought id bring it back for you.

Does your OC believe there’s only one ideal partner (or multiple ideal if not monogamous) for everyone, or that there are many people who could be right?

Probably that there are multiple people who could be right.

Does your OC believe in love in first sight?

He barely even knows what love is, really.

Does your OC believe in marriage (or their culture’s equivalent)?

He doesn’t really understand the point of it but if his S/O wanted it, he’d agree.

Has your OC ever cheated on anyone or been cheated on?

Nope :)

What’s your OC’s idea of a perfect date?

Climb to a really high place, lil picnic, watch the sun set, (maybe hold hands?) look at the stars.

What are some things that your OC finds to be an instant turn-off in potential partners?

Not liking animals. They’re literally his entire life, you cant be with him and not like animals.

What are their favorite kinds of flavors– Sweet, salty, sour, spicy, creamy, et cetera?

Umami. But he’ll literally eat anything, especially if he’s desperate.

Are they vegan/vegetarian (if their overall culture/species generally aren’t)? If so, why? Do they think animal products are wrong in all circumstances?

He doesn’t really eat a lot of meat cause he wants to hurt as few animals as possible. He uses most of the meat he hunts for his animals, and only eats it when there is nothing else, or if there’s the possibility of it going to waste.

How often do they cook? Do they order out a lot?

He cooks pretty often, that being said do NOT eat what he makes! I dont know how he is still alive!

Could they eat the same thing they enjoy over and over and not get bored of it quickly?

Yep, in fact that's basically what he does already. Food is food babey.

Did you create the character to be like yourself, did they end up being like yourself, or are they very different from you?

Archer wasn’t ever supposed to be like me, and he’s not really, which i think is a good thing?

Would you hang out with your OC if you could?

Yes he needs hugs and I will provide.

What’s the longest you’ve had an OC for?

I’ve technically had Archer for 5 years thats a long time :)

[umbillicalnoose]

i think that you would think im pretty and would like my poetry and i want to share it with you. im shy.

to be honest, im very apathetic these days. im not the nice “cutesy baby flower petal boy” i used to be. a lot has happened & im bitter & sullen & all in all, a pretty shitty friend/person to know. i used to possess some redeeming qualities, believe it or not, even if they were construed by the subconscious in an attempt to be likeable - a facade, even tho its only a facade, is still tangible, still there, is still something, even if not authentic. is poorer character forgivable in the name of presenting more authentically? but nah. that makes it sound like im putting effort into being a better person, which im not. im just sort of fried & done. its been a very long time since i played the role i built for myself on here of the “small fawn boy who wants to help girls” lmaooo. how embarrassing. altho, i was just a kid, & i guess, if you had a tumblr as a teenager, you went thru some cringe (i know the use of that word has fallen in on itself & adopted its own definition but for lack of a better one) ass phases, whether it was kinning or malingering mental illness or oh fucking christ, all that gender bullshit, etc etc. from what ive observed, tho, loosely following kids im still casually friends with that i met on here, i think we’ve all managed to Grow The Fuck Up, at least a little. most of us have jobs or r in school or have partners - growing up & moving on is a very surreal experience to watch/go thru. im moving at my own pace & ive accepted that - im still currently using & starving myself & concocting a suicide plan every day but at least i use clean needles as much as possible, i actively & honestly do strive for the bare minimum calorically, & um able to work with the mentality of “well ill have this when i need it but todays not that day” a lot more readily, in relation to suicide shit. ive finally found a therapist who Really Gets It, is a frontrunner internationally on ritual & extreme abuse & mind control. its pretty incredible what a few years with a good therapist can do. anyways. im sorry, i know you didnt ask for all this & im not even sure why i divulged. i guess, what tipped me off, was your attempt at sounsing “cute” - dude, cut that shit out, i promise youll be a lot better off. & i know everyone interchanges aspects of their personality based on who theyre talking to/who they percieve themselves to be talking to, but i feel like not a lot of people give enough credence to the internet & its hand in shaping/molding young people, kids, vulnerable dumbasses, especially tumblr (tho, i get that its a relatively new phenomenon) - u get a bunch of the “weird”, “alternative”, ““ostracized” kids together on a website, of course its gonna nurture a culture of hypervalidatoon & pretending to be sick in order to fit in to the point that its not an act anymore & exacerbation of symptoms & basically, just sucking each others dicks, sitting in ur own shit, & never ending coddling. & then, you have the older group of kids, who have played this game before but instead of helping or ignoring the Dumbshit kids, they indulge their own normally-buried-but-unleashed-by-internet-anonymity sadism/human instinct to just be fucking dicks & so now you have this vicious cycle of anger & hatred & fucking melodrama up the urethra. im sorry, i know im comig off as/am being harsh but god fuckin dammit yknow? also, this isnt directed at you, specifically, more of a generalized thing, @ myself included. so uh. i mean, if u still wanna share it with me after reading all this, id be happy to read ur poetry. i used to be over the top nice & then reverted to Major Asshole & am now trying to find that sweet middle spot - honoring & allowing myself to share my pain without putting it on others. which is really hard!! cuz becoming a Dick was difficult in that it forced me to be more honest with my true self & as such, more vulnerable - now in trying to become Kinda Nice again because despite being a pulsating scrotom, ive had the intense desire for friendship & human interaction, while simultaneously doing things that i was consciously aware was pushing others away - but then, if i pretend to be nice, where does that authenticity i worked for & was so scared of go? & i dont mean telling someone their new haircut looks nice even when it doesnt - thats just not being a dick. but i guess, those r the normal trials & tribulations of any relationship & adolescent developing identity. which is weird too - dealing with “normal” issues, i mean. whats the point if your life/limbs/breaking point arent at risk? whats the point when your best friends already dead. im sick of people calling "survivors” (despise that word, so fucking female-originated & overdramatic) “brave” & “strong” - surviving is not brave or strong. its just survival. you wouldnt call an animal brave for running for its life from a predator but you would call a dog courageous for going into a burning building to save its owner. premeditated action on the notion that you are probably going to be hurt is brave. being subjected to pain with no choice is not. theres no “silver lining” or anything “good” to be drawn from it either - sure it may have made x a more compassionate person or made y more introspective & gentle but you know what would have been even fucking better??? if the shit hadnt happened in the first place! let x be an asshole & y be self absorbed - the “benefits”, so to speak, do not outweigh the cost, not by a long fucking shot. its not only patronizing to hear garbage like that, but a slap in the face to know that anyone could possibly see anything good coming from that nightmare & that the characteristics, good or bad, you developed either in response to or as a result of, are worth praise. dont tell me im strong for doing what i had to to escape a torture chamber - tell me im perseverant for studying my ass off & passing that test last week. in the words of one of my dearest & most fucking brilliant friends, “pain doesnt owe me/you purpose - the need to intellectualize & assign meaning to pain & death is not only futile, but harmful.” & honestly, i think that it stems from weakness (in most cases - i realize theres a plethora of other reasons such as those who r just desperate for something to hold on to or r hyperintellectual & analytical or who have been pressured by external “support” systems to find the “good” etc etc) - while the majority of people view the person who “can find the good in everything” (strictly speaking only in relation to trauma/tragedy here & more in denunciation of those that celebrate this trait as opposed to vilifying “survivors” who respond this way, though in my experience, its very very very rarely the “survivor” that perpetrates this ideology ) as strong, i sort of see it as a weakness - their inability to sit with & absorb their own pain or that of others is so strong that not only do they have to frantically pull rainbows out of the teeth of a meat cleaver, they also have to exist within this strange (tho, not malicious - more subconscious) superiority complex. like, nah, dude, some times shit is just awful. you cant tell me anything fucking good came out of a four year old girl being kidnapped, gangraped, & tortured for two years, before being impaled & left to die on a stake. her mom opened a non profit organization? oh well thank fucking god for that!!! those that believe the latter to be more “enlightened” or whatever the fuck r the same people who say shit like “dying is easy - living is harder” & i get that that its supposed to be interpreted metaphorically for the most part - giving up is easy, trying isnt (which also.....isnt true??? admitting defeat & fully accepting the fact that ur fucking helpless is beyond hard lmao???) - but pretend youre somewhere, anywhere outside ur sunny little fucking yoga studio full of white women whos biggest issues r the pta & johnny whos failing math, & lets say your life is in real, imminent danger, a gun is to your head & i want you to not scream or cry or beg for ur life since dying is “easier”. if dying is so easy, why do the majority of ppl cling to it with such desperation - why is suicide illegal? why do some ppl go thru 100s of chemo treatments even tho the doctors say theyre just prolonging the inevitable, ppl who cut off a diseased arm so it wont spread, those who walk dozens of miles every day for food & water, etc? & i know & understand the survival instinct better than anyone, even when i wanted to die more than anything, my natural instincts would kick in with no conscious neural input & id do what i had to do. im not condemning those who cling to life (ok - a little. ur wasting resources out of ur own fear. but i also realize thats just me being a Fucking Asshole As Always cuz technically, im doing the same thing tho its more due to lack of opportunity rather than fear. i just think, societally, death should be more normalized, discussed, & not made out to be so unknown & scary), instead just reprimanding those who say shit like that (inspirational facebook quotes). especially cuz most of the ppl who do spew that shit have never gone thru anything even remotely difficult - their worst nightmare is a Big Scary Black Man grabbing them on the street, mugging them, & touching their tits. & i also know that these stupid ass sayings are to be applied to bullshit like exercise & fitness (“no pain no gain” is another one of my Favorites) & not fucking torture or even just ur run of the mill rape, even that would probably smash the rose tinted banana republic shades off their beverly hills tanned faces. but ive heard the no pain no gain one a handful of times in the last few weeks, specifically from doctors performing procedures in preparation for my bottom surgery. & i know its supposed to be encouraging & they have no way of knowing, but its just like, buddy, u have no idea who youre fucking talking to. & im starting to understand what THEY mean when they say it - pain with a reward is infinitely more tolerable than pain just for the sake of pain; like, a tattoo, it hurts, but u know, when its done, its gonna be sick as fuck. when u r able to fall back on the idea that its for something u rlly want, its A Lot easier to handle as opposed to pain thats Just Pain - theres no reward for it except, i guess, that the more u experience it, the closer u r to the end of it lmao. i mean, i still hate when ppl say it cuz for most of my life, pain was just pain, & the “reward” was the opportunity to go home at the end & so whenever ppl say that, my mind just immediately resorts back to that & im just like haha fuck u. but im trying to remember my experiences r definitely not universal & im starting to sorta understand what they mean i think. but, flipping gears here, & going back to the sentiment of “everything happens for a reason”, the base philosophy of psuedo deep Fuckwads - a girls dad didnt fuck her “for a reason”, everything doesnt happen “for a reason”. like ok, hypothetically, the kid he impregnated her with & that she was forced to have at 12 may surpass all odds & not become a homeless junkie & instead become a world renowned doctor who finds the cure for cancer. but she wasnt raped repeatedly from the age of six for that “reason”, no matter what anyone says & honestly, the liberation of the masses does not justify the suffering of one, especially a child. in my eyes at least. but again, im a bitter asshole. sorry i just Went The Fuck Off here oh my god.....if u read all this, thanks, pal. if not, thats cool too. but yea, send me ur stuff, id totally be down to read it. as for me potentially thinking ur cute, i have to look at my disgusting shitstain of a “face” every goddamn day so everyone else to me is fuckin aphrodite. but im also tryin to not put so much worth into physical appearance- its not something that should be complimented cuz its just smth a person was born with which is the same reason it shouldnt be insulted. this is gonna sound gay & stupid but i personally find that a persons essence & personality really permeates. you can meet someone who, objectively, isnt all that great looking, but once u get to know them, u really see their beauty - how the sun catches in their hair, their dilated pupils looking up at u from under long eyelashes in the dark, the birthmark on their right shoulder that they despise but that is so Them, the gap in their teeth, etc. & idk how to phrase this without it sounding like “well ur ugly but at least ur a good person”, cuz that only reiterates the societally indoctrinated emphasis on appearance & my kneejerk reaction to assure the person in question that thats not what im saying is only another result of that!!! its inescapable!!! but no, really, its not just a matter of “its on the inside that counts” - physically, they change or maybe, actually this is more likely, when i first meet them, my “default” eyes r just looking for features that i know im immediately attracted to (tall, blonde, sickly as in sunken eyes sticklike pale but still looks like she could & will beat the shit out of me) but as i fall in love or get to know them better, my eyes adjust & i notice & adore the beauty that was there all along. so uh. idk if ill think ur “cute”. but probably, yes, ill think ur an angel.

[draw-you-coward]

Hi! How is everyone? I wanted to talk about the Scions. Specifically, the Archons. Major spoilers for Shadowbringers!

I think what really helped me come to these conclusions was seeing all of them actively work together. specifically, seeing urianger in a context where he’s an actual character and not a deus ex machina! (side note: he’s honestly amazing in this expansion and i. love him??) I hope they keep this dynamic whenever it’s realistically possible!

So mostly, I want to talk about how the scions individually react to possibly groundbreaking events that have the possibility of changing their worldview. im speaking mostly about emet-selch’s “hydaelyn and zodiark were the first beings akin to primals” revelation. or more specifically, their separate reactions to that revelation. i think it’s very telling on how they each individually digest information. we, the players, may arrive to our own conclusions at our own pace, but we have to remember that for these characters, this is their world. their world view, being shattered. they all, to some degree, react negatively. they just show it differently, even if it’s not all that obvious.

i think that shadowbringers overall did a very good job of establishing their individual character dynamics, or more importantly, the idea that their major strength is also their major weakness.

let’s start with thancred. right away, his major flaw is apparent. in fact, a lot of people have gotten (rightfully) mad at him for it, although i think when he gets over himself and turns it around, it’s a lot more subtle. but i digress. with thancred, what he does with information he doesnt like is look at it, says “okay, i dont like that,” shoves it to the back of his mind to not think about, and tries to focus on whatever he wants to focus on in the immediate present. of course, it manages to bleed through regardless, and that’s where his doubts come from. and because he refuses to confront them head-on to deal with them, he has a very difficult time letting them go.

the actual first time when this comes to mind for me isn’t with ryne, it’s with the word of the mother in 3.X. (yes, it’s there with lahabrea too, but executed in a less clean manner, and people have already talked about that to death.) what he first sees is minfilia, the girl he’s attempted to look after primarily because of a sense of guilt, the girl who means the world to him, and whom he feels like, we know now, that he has never been sufficient enough for. (that theme of him feeling like he isn’t good enough is repeated multiple times with him, and it makes me wonder if it’s because of his manner of thinking.) but minfilia’s different now, in a strange and new and maybe not altogether comfortable way, and she’s drifting away from him now, and he can’t catch up to her to make up for all his regrets. he realizes this, realizes what’s going on, very, very quickly. in fact, i’d say that out of all of them, thancred is the one who is the quickest on the uptake. but he shoves his logical side away, and reacts emotionally, because he doesn’t want to acknowledge what he knows is true. in shadowbringers he does the same thing; he acknowledges minfilia’s words, and it is clear that he dwells on them despite himself, but he wants to react emotionally, in the moment. he is a very, despite his apparent distance, emotional person.

when he finally begins to get over himself accept the situation, it is in the tone of someone who is moving on from the loss of a loved one. he talks about how they met, how she grew up, what she liked. this is because he’s finally coming to terms with what he knew this entire time: that the real minfilia, his minfilia, died in that tunnel. the version of her that he is clinging onto in heavensward, in shadowbringers, is not her and all she used to be. it is not the “word of the mother” or the “oracle of light” or whatever she has turned into. it is but “minfilia,” but a memory, and he’s finally let it go enough to see it as such.

woo! okay. so moving on to how this works out for him in the best. honestly i dont think people acknowledge this enough, but he displays it time and time again? thancred is the one that is best equipped to deal with the present. to confront problems head-on without worrying about what may or may not happen, and without getting lost in the possibility of failure. he is by far the scion with the best ability to keep a level head. this is most apparent, to me, in aumarot. everyone one else is confused and lowkey freaking out or what have you, and thancred is the only one who has decided that no, what they really need at the moment is not to panic. what they need is calm, and confidence. and he is that. and you know what? he was right. and i think for me at least, he’s the biggest reason why I calmed down some at that point in the story.

next: y’shtola! I have less to say about the other scions, mostly because i wasn’t following their character arcs as closely or at all, but I do love them still!

y’shtola is the one who most visibly is struggling to handle emet-selch’s revelation. (you can talk to her now, at the time of the quest, or check your quest journal for confirmation of this). where thancred realizes things in a far more round-about manner--that is to say, figures them out, shoves them to the back of his mind, and tries not to think about them--she takes them by the horns and tries to confront them head-on. this gives her, in a way, tunnel vision. she is the loudest about her opinion, and the most direct. when emet-selch makes them by association question hydaelyn, she is the one who speaks up to defend her and their belief system. she is stubborn. it takes her a while to eat through something enough to 100% accept it.

but because of this, her conviction and belief in anything is strong. when she truly believes in something, she believes in it the most. she is the strength when the storm is finally over and she’s had time to build herself up. she isn’t afraid to force other characters to see the flaws in the way they are viewing things, or confront them when she knows she is in the right. yes, she can be harsh sometimes, but she is sorely needed. someone has to be sure of something here! in this way, she too is comforting. when thancred is calm, you know something is bad. when yshtola is calm, you know that whatever you have to worry about is surmountable.

urianger! my poor often-shafted elf giraffe man. he’s the one i had the most trouble puzzling out, so i may be completely wrong! but i’ll try my best :>

urianger is the one who has had this constant theme of showing up at the last moment to present something that he has thoroughly and completely thought about so he can be entirely certain of it. urianger’s way of dealing with things is to listen, listen some more, maybe go digging, and finally, only come to a conclusion when he knows every bit of information he can. he’s willing to work with ascians, he’s willing to go double-dipping in terms of sides, he’s willing to risk his friends’ trust. he is willing to take a long, long time to achieve a goal and know things only in full, and he has the patience to do so. he has the patience to deal with thancred in shadowbringers, to listen to what the exarch tells him to do, to bear with the whole plan, even as he sees things objectively keep getting worse. he’s not easy to rile up, he sees things as a whole instead of in parts... all of this really makes him a good teacher! it makes him a kind man. but.

he waits a little too long. what happens when you finally kill vauthry and emet-selch ruins everything? urianger’s carefully-laid plans go awry. suddenly, everything has gone wrong and he has no backup, because he never thought to make one. he has such conviction that his passivity is for the best that he stands by, barely intervenes, and decides to let things run their course even when warning signs are flashing in front of him. when things go wrong he fumbles, and doesn’t know what to do, because he isn’t used to that happening. up until shb, he’s taught himself that the path of inaction and support is the best one to take, and i am glad that he is finally being confronted with the realities of that. even with thancred and ryne; he can clearly see that their initial dynamic isn’t healthy, but he does absolutely nothing active about it. in the end, it is his very opposite force--entropy, chance--that fixes things with them. it’s interesting he became an astrologian, i think, because divination is something so abstract and vague that it allows him to stay in his comfort zone of not doing much to change things. fate is a fickle mistress, yes, but he leans a little too heavily on how things should be that he fails to see that everything in the present is in flux; that it is, in fact, dependent on the uncertain.

okay, that’s it! i think the three of them complement each other nicely with their respective strengths and weaknesses, and that’s why i hope they’ll keep that dynamic in the future! of course, if you disagree or want to correct me, please feel free; this is purely my own opinion, and i am very much putting myself in a position to be (respectfully) disagreed with by posting this. on the other hand, if you want to elaborate on something or add something, please also feel free! i’d love to hear your thoughts.

<3

nae

[calm-me-down-oh]

How about all the questions ;)

skdsjf ofc u would get me back for that, under a readmore bc theres a lot!

When was the last time you masturbated? Yesterday! Had a.. very hot convo w my gf

Do you enjoy being fingered/fingering? Uhh the only time Ive had it done to me the person had to stop bc they got uncomfy with it and it was overall just a bit odd,, wait it happened a second time and their nails were too sharp also sdkfhsdh I feel like I could get to like it though? If its like, actually properly done rather than my current experiences sdhfk

How do you feel about food during sex? nno thanks mostly? I guess it can kinda depend on the food though idk, like if my gf suggested somethin I might not mind trying it out depending on what it was yknow

What do you do directly after sex? um.. well afaik just kinda lay/sit in a daze for a moment, mayb have some water, get real clingy, kind of have to be nudged into doing stuff bc i guess my brain just stops working skjdfkj

Cuddle with the tip in? Hell yeah. cuddle with it all in. sounds good.

What’s the nastiest sexual thing you’ve done? I don’t think I’ve really done anything nasty sdjkfsj all the sex ive had has been quite brief and vanilla idk

Name a follower you would fuck. @you-better-make-me!

Name a follower you have fucked. None..

What’s the sexiest part of your body? Idk man I guess my thighs are ok people seem to like them anyway

FuckMarryKill: DJ Khalid, Rick Ross, Fat Joe Am i supposed to know who these people are

Would you ever be with a trans person? i think the real question is would i ever be with a cis person (yes i would be with a trans person i am with 2 trans people and i am trans and i havent dated anyone cis since i was like 15)

Riding dick or doggy style? yes

Ever fucked in a school? Nope

Most random place you’ve had sex? havent really had sex in a random place lmao just beds

Would you ever be part of the mile high club? maybe..? thats having sex on a plane right. idk. maybe

Name three of your spots. what does this mean fkjd

Fuck on the first date? Depends

Do you suck dick? I’m sure gonna try!

Do you eat ass? Idk maybe not skdfjhsjk

Do you eat pussy? Haven’t yet, nearly did, got too nervous sdkjfh

Do you like kissing? So much!!

Is farting during sex sexy? I.. I mean its not sexy but like im also not gonna have a negative reaction. unless its me. that is something im admittedly very nervous about fkjd

Ever fucked in the shower? Nope

How old were you when you lost your virginity? Uh............ good question. 19 or 20 i forget if it was before my birthday but within the last year. unless you only count penetrative sex, then I haven’t yet

Do you prefer sex in the morning, afternoon, or night? Y..yes? I suppose afternoon/night is usually a better time, morning is jsut sleepy and trying to remember how to exist hours

Do you like drunk sex? Haven’t had it but I do get horny when I drink, wouldn’t be against trying it with someone I trust

Do you like high sex?  Again never had it! And I haven’t really been high either so Idk

FuckMarryKill: Nicki Minaj; Cardi B; Kash Doll N..none for any

When was your first kiss? I was like 13 I think

How did you meet the person you lost your virginity to? College

Have you ever faked an orgasm? Nope. Wait maybe. Kind of. Idk when I was younger I was with this guy who would try get me to touch myself n I hadn’t figured out how to make it feel good so I’d just lie and say I was when i wasnt bc i didnt wanna do it so maybe at some point i said i came when i hadnt sdfhks

Ever painted/been painted on? Yeah but not in like a horny way, my ex would paint on my hand as kinda their way of flirting with me

You like sex toys? Sure

What’s your favorite sex position? Personally think missionary is underrated bc that closeness and being able to cling just sounds v good but also getting fucked from behind face down ass up also sounds,, v good lately

Sex on a bed, couch, or floor? beddd, maybe couch, floor just seems uncomfortable

Do you like car sex? Never had it, just seems a bit awkward but I guess I’d be open to trying it

You get instantly horny; what happened? My neck got bit!

FuckMarryKill: Trey Songz, Chris Brown, August Alsina. Kill chris brown. idk who the others are

Describe your crush. Don’t have one!

Woukd you ever be with someone with an incurable STD? Uh... Idk? I mean, theres preventative measures for basically all std’s right? So as long as those are taken so i dont also get it I guess it’d be ok

Rate your head game. No clue dkfhdsj

Rate your sex. Awkward!

Would you fuck someone outside of your race? ?? yes. what kind of question is this

Describe the type of freak you are. idk what this means but what first came to mind was ‘pet’ so take that as u will

Ever tasted your own nut/cum? Sure

Into golden showers? Nope

Body count: Under or Over 25? Wayyy under

How do you feel about nipple play? Uh depends! Not into being harsh like clamps etc just seems like itd hurt n not in a good way, but playing w/ them w ur hands and sucking on them. very good

Where do you like to be nutted on? chest/stomach seems good

Which are you better at: topping or bottoming? bottoming

What do you consider “too small?” Idk man dick is dick idc

Is play fighting foreplay? It sure can be!

Do you like angry sex? In concept maybe, in reality itd just kinda scare me

How long should a quickie be? Idk.. quick

How long is “too long” to have sex? Idk sex ends whenever one of u wants to stop, don’t think u can go too long if ur both comfortable with it

How long is “too long” to go without sex? Listen i.. am not the person to be asking this I’ve had sex maybe 3 times spread out over almost a year. i have never regularly had sex

Is “no” relevant in a relationship? Incredibly relevant!! Always!! Unless you’ve discussed beforehand that its ok to ignore it and have a safeword in place instead!! and then that safeword is not to be ignored!!

Do you believe in no-strings-attached sex? Sure but idk if i could do it

Would you have sex in a public bathroom? mmmaybe....

Would you have sex in a changing room? mmmmmmmmaybe

Who was the last person you had sex with? My ex

Describe your type. Idk I have the weirdest type i think they have like nothing in common then theyll all turn around and be into the same stuff or something its v strange

Name 3 turn-ons. Biting, just making out sometimes tbh, skin contact in places usually covered by clothes or under clothes..

Name 3 turn-offs. Umm. i definitely have turn offs but whenever im asked my mind goes blank. I guess being overly rough, hair pulling im undecided on tbh, and oh i usually dont like having my ass smacked but idk if itd change if it were like.. in the middle of sex

Name something that would make you stop in the middle of sex. Bad pain or panicking or it seems like the other person is uncomfortable. or someones knocking on the door for some reason sdkfjs

Would you answer a phone call during sex? no omg

Would you ever pay for sex? Nah.

Would you accept money for sex? Uh. Maybe? Wouldnt ask for it tho

How do you typically feel after sex? Mostly affectionate and good, but w the last person i was with sometimes it seemed like they just wanted it over and done with so i would get kinda nervous and guilty over that,, idk

Do you like your body? Nah

Ever sent nudes? Yep

Have you ever cheated on someone? Yeah he was abusive

Have you ever been cheated on? Idk, maybe, wait i think the guy i cheated on tried saying he cheated on me too but idk if he was just trying to get back at me so

Would you have a threesome? If I trust the people sure

Would you have a foursome? Same as above

Would you take part in an orgy? Uhh idk maybe, same as above applies tho

Would you let’s train be ran on you? Again if I trust the people yeah sure

How often do you masturbate? Idk it really depends sometimes im really horny and its like daily maybe more than once a day and then sometimes i just dont for like. a while

Sex with the lights on or off? on.. how are u meant to see what ur doing otherwise sdjkhfs

Sex with music or tv in the background? Sure, idc really. Though i have a thing if its like.. kids stuff.........dont do that..........

Do you have a cousin you’d fuck if you weren’t related? wtf no

In your last relationships, rate the sex? Uhh... good? I mean, good at the time, though like i said sometimes felt a bit rushed, and that now makes sense and i have very mixed feelings on it but mostly guilt bc the person i was with has since said they werent really into it. so.

Do you sleep naked? Nah I at least have underwear on

How often do you go commando? Never

Are your nipples pierced? If not, would you get them pierced? Nope

Do you dive right into sex, or converse first? Uh, depends? Talking about it beforehand or even during can be good though. But i guess it doesnt have to be Right before it, it can be a bit in advance

After taking your clothes off, what’s the first move? Kiss.. touch,, etc,,

Do you make the first move? Um. w my ex i kinda had to bc as i said, i later found out they werent really into it. other than that i generally dont tho bc im very nervous abt all that, kinda especially after that discovery hdfbghf

Have you ever had sex with more than one person in a day? Nope

Do you like dryhumping ? Sure

Can you twerk or do a split on a dick? Probably not

Have you ever been recorded during sex? No but I’ve had a dream abt being recorded sucking someones dick it was weird

Do you watch porn during sex? W. who does that. how can u focus on that. why would u watch sex when ur having sex skdjfhsjdk

After fucking, do you try becoming friends with a one night stand? Never had a one night stand

What’s your kink? Praise! Marking! Collars!

Would you hook up with the same hook-up again? I don’t think i could have a hook up tbh so no

Ever made a relationship from a one night stand? nope

How romantic are you during sex? uh.. idk havent rly had chance to try being romantic during sex but soft sex sounds v good imo

Describe your sex in 5 words or less. in my experience so far? nervous and kinda awkward

[nocancer]

Tryna by Cancer moon

Before Young T went to bed he poured a glass of water and looked out the kitchen window to his backyard and noted how the snow made 3:00 A.M. look like 6:00 P.M.. Only difference being that if he stepped outside with his glass of water to the seeming twilight he wouldn’t be able to hear the rush-hour traffic like he usually could if it was Friday and 6:00 P.M.. Young T didn’t bother going outside because the snow was still falling a little and it’d be there when he woke up. And the neighborhood would still be silent, as it always was.

Young T woke up and his fan was still humming its white noise which he needed to sleep at night even though it was January and his dad was reluctant to leave the heat on over night. The small fan sat on his dresser and was pointed away from his bed towards his window which emitted a sharper and more blinding afternoon light than what he was used to. He checked his phone for the time, it was about noon - about the time where his parents bedroom door would open and their TV would blast the local news and his persian cat, Jo Jo, would meow at his door from which would force him out of bed to open the door so Jo Jo could jump up on his bed to sleep on his pillow from which he would either start his day or keep doing nothing. This time he laid back down, idly on his bed, with the covers pulled over his head to lessen the effects of his slight cat allergy. Jo Jo had a flat face and was grey and fat, and he occupied the entire pillow. Young T thought of how he wanted to trade lives with Jo Jo.

Young T couldn’t fall back to sleep, so he looked at his phone. He bireifly looked at worldstarhiphop, Twitter, then Instagram.

Then he went to bed with a head ache and woke up in college.

9/27/17 wednesday

Tycho: excuse me, hey, getting along just fine, I see? Yolandra: hey, and yeah, sort of, just studying, whats going on with you T: Nothing, the usual, i guess, being responsible, trying not to offend anyone. Y: Oh but you're so innocent. If anyone's offended its on them, not you. T: But my presence alone, I dont know, like I'm out of place or something. And I just want to tell people,  Yeah, so, I know how strange it is, me being here and all. Y: You're a free spirit amongst prisoners. That was my favorite part about getting to know you.

Tycho: After all these years, not for a second did i think you were right for me. And thats why i liked you. Cus I'm crazy. Yolandra: thats okay? what do you mean?, i want to get inside your head again. T: [pause] Most people wouldnt understand. Y: Don't be too cool for school. Im not most people. If I knew what was good for me, I'd have cut ties with you a long time ago. But im a crazy bitch too. Havent you realized? T: Yes. Youre highly psychic when it comes to "free spirits" like me - and you, though maybe, "lost soul" would be a better term for me. Though I dont mind being lost. It keeps things interesting.   Anyway, you should spend your energy on solving world hunger than worrying about me. Y: dont be so difficult. catching vibes isnt easy you know? coming for your type. Who knows, maybe youre worth it. Tycho: well, your the first to try me like this. im mysterious for a reason. Yolandra: And do you know why exactly? T: Thats for me to decide. Y: It's so damn frustrating. But I guess some things are better left unsaid. T: Most people wouldnt understand that, what youre saying. Indescribable feelings we know happened but fall short in explaining. That sort of thing. Y: I call those. "You had to be there" moments. Tycho: Honestly i never gave up on you, only myself, thinking you were different from my dream girl.   it took months for me to realize that but when i did the only thing i wanted to do was forget i ever met you. Yolandra: than what? T: the rest of these simple people that surround us, they see in a way thats opposite of what i am. Y: how convenient it must be. to blame your problems on people you dont even know. and just say "fuck it." I envy you. T: just my luck haha. of being born into myself, my personality forgive me, i dont mean to be such a downer. thats my ego talking Y: you had to be there T: where? Y: in my memories. T: it matters that much to you? Y: if I could find you in a crowd, just to say something, anything, even if i have to scream it in your ear,  then you'd know how much it means to me. Tycho: I'll be waiting for you to say hola.

9/30/17 saturday In the midst of an obnoxious trap beat I remember what my grandpa used to tell me. It's the harsh realities of life that stick with us the most. A dream is only a dream until you make it come true. Never hit a women no exceptions." He would say to a 7 year old me. Now I wish I had the balls back then to tell him that his strict army ass probably never had a dream that went beyond what he already knew. Like revisiting the same shitty cloud of meaningless thoughts every night till you reincarnate into someone who revisits a slightly less shitty cloud over and over until they become someone like me, who lives on the cloud everyone strives to be, forgetting those elvish looking folks of the below who never leave the house except to get groceries. There's comes a point in life where you just gotta be honest with yourself, and say hey, i just dont match the freqeuncy anymore. It's okay. I can still pretend like that one MGMT song, but im fading away. Fuck. I get naseous and imagine a cop coming around the corner which kills my vibe for a second so I take my headphones off, spit on my finger tip, ash the blunt, and walk to my dorm. I'm in water so muddy that the surface is all I have to cling onto. What lies beneath is my past, housing the memories like demons. Of course, her face, would be in the middle. Falling more faintly in detail as I wake up sober and go to sleep high and dream nonsense that somehow doesnt go away like the usual forgotten dream you usually wouldnt give a second thought to otherwise but this morning my head feels foggy and theres a vague recollection of a search going on but I dont know what it's for and my chances of knowing diminish as I go deeper into the day. A search, it's on repeat, like my brain is an actual TV. Thats probably a normal thought to have, though I've never heard it in real words. "Is my brain a TV." I say to myself.                                                                 if you can call it that. but those take the shape of monsters of which, as if I had no choice, I find myself preparing for so when the moment really matters, I can either go down in a blaze of glory or come out on top like the badass I imagine myself to be. All I know is that I was born and now I have to live.

Maybe because my past is so glaringly depicted onto a person I refuse to acknowledge. All that shit was a dream. The only thing that matters is the present, right? Bill Nye the Science Guy would agree with that. Back in elementary whenever we had a sub for the day, a cart would roll in and thats how you knew. I watched his show in elementary school, when we had a substitute teacher. Those were the best days. I had no worries then, able to speak freely with no inhibitions as if duality had nothing to latch its mechanical claws onto. Wait, I'm thinking about the past again. And thats going way back. Fuck! Okay.. On your feet soldier! That baby momma drama dont fly out here in the real world. out here  it's the winners and the losers, haves and the have-nots,  thats the way it is.

We're here to endure anxiety. I dont care about this slave shit. I think im gonna drop out. These fucking people bro, I shouldve known better than to come here. Deep down in the recesses of my highly realized capacity for recognizing everyday objects I'm  hearing the voice my computer makes. It just so happens that I'm a little different from everyone else. I see things. Feel them. Some are expressed. Others proccessed. Though most get put away for later. These things I speak of is all they'll ever be to Some bad. Some good. But in the end I understand the root cause  is nothing and thats where I pretty much exist anyway. In between any and all things, including people. At least that what it feels like. So although I may come off as shy and maybe a bit soft to the average layperson I aint no bitch and I wont hesitate to put my body on the line to make some headway when it comes to cementing my place as a savage demon in the halls of said layperson's memory bank. Someone who is wise would recognize the virtue of my conviction It is only because I must prepare for that singular moment, an unknown point in the fabric of time and space. To where if theyre not careful, a life's worth of energy should be pitted against me as if one were to stand a chance against the power housed within my vessle. Theres no such thing as a polite gesture. Nobody asks me how my day is "going" for no other reason than to relay to me how their own special day is "going". reckoning between a humble acknowledgement that I can never truly grasp the reason for existing and therefor should play my part in keeping the peace, versus pure badass in a world of sheep. And the more I get to know my surroundings, the more I reach erradically for the inherent bliss found within the path of satanism.

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Spmewhere off in the distance, Crermoth sits on a palm tree idly sculpting astral suspensions into a tattered fervor of mesh for working the keys of ineptitude. She is oblivious to her surroundings, not caring for chatty and gossip which she cant seperate between her reality and theirs because she is sensitive and when the the fully recognized sage, Esoh, confronts her about she says she much prefers it that way.

Their balance among them. With the wind at her side, Hojihka refuses the initial preference of her stillness and moves in a nameless precession by the whim of her ancestral birth right. "aaa may-ee soo shay-noo"

Her possession wakes up without a name. a new and more elaborate transposition of jubilee onto each successive indifference. The attention to one area renders the outer confines a vacuum enveloping the excess span unto both of their liable to taken over like a plain, sole, unconscious will. It certainly does its job Crermoth and has become something of a plan b pill thats taken during one of her many unpredictable episodes of self hate and general spiritual torment. One time she told J-Money she was a demon in a matter of factness that still haunts J-Money in moments when he pretends it doesnt bother him.. Reliant upon the interaction of her world and the next. Crermoth normally prefers being to herself on nights like these, that way she can answer any calls at a moments notice. A dimension close enough so that she may assist her friends in earthly manners of which, by the natural law of limitation, those lacking the incessant nobility of the Orisha cannot be bothered to see to themselves, less the tether between her world and theirs be rendered a useless tattered fervor of mesh that gives way to any varitable knock of an over arching brood of usurpment of the mundane frequency. “I need space. I only have but so much light of see to her calling as a being of light, assisting the pieces of herself that we’re lost during the falling. You remember that don’t you?” She says “Of course I remember. But only as a matter of fact. Upon closer reflection I fail to see the relevance of a subtle hunch with no bearings in the present.”

I must know that I’m allowed to be straight up with you, else I run the risk of straying from my calling. If there’s anything I hate more than being ignored its catching myself being lazy to the voices. “She musn’t veer to far.” Esoh said on a mountain.

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The woman wakes up to look around. Store-bought soil, empty bike-rack, office building. "Harder. Think harder. Come on girl." She stands for dignity's sake. A car traces a hilltop in the distance. She raises her cold arms to the sun in defiance of stillness. Nothing is in tune with the nature of her being besides the stale wind of a coming day. "Where are you?" The car freezes as it reaches the horizon, but the sound remains on loop. Whirrrrr A portal manifests abruptly and Elegua arrives on a chariot of skulls. "Erzulie, madame, how nice it is to see you this early in the morning." A whisp of fire cleans her face and the car continues over the horizon. "It really shouldnt be, not like this. Where Im at should tell a lot you know." Erzulie said. "Quite a dense reply to a longtime friend, dont you think" "Hmm, considering how I slept in a bush last night and dont remember a thing. I shouldnt need to explain myself." "No? is the friz on your hair not matching the blood on your knees? I can't tell which." Elegua said.     Or is the attitude possessing you as if theres no consequence for ill-manneredness? I cant tell which." So long as one's not so dense up his selfish ass that he aint notice." "Oh so now all a sudden you about the finer things in life? We can switch places less you miss me. Erzulie said. Im only pointing out the obvious." Elegua said. Erzulie replied with silence, forcing life to flash before his eyes. She learned this from her Mother, Darkness. "Attitude is possessing you. I cant tell why but its a poison I dont deserve. I was only trying to help" He continued. "I just dont fuck with being called too early. So long as youre not too dense up your ass to take notice, safe to say i'm in some shit right now." "Clearly. A product of consequence." Elegua said randomly. "Yeah, recognize. Please, for me, baby?" "No more testing your patience, Goddess immortal of justice. Save that for what I came to tell you about." "Take me to cleanliness, saintly promise of wisdom. For im not feeling myself." They left the scene to the past and pondered on the pyramid they had just made with each other. "It's nice to be home." Erzulie said. Flying over the palm trees brought Elegua back to his power. "On the basis of love." Elegua said. The salt-water washed away all glimpses of doubt Erzulie had of her beauty. And she harnessed the pastels of the ocean. Thus, all guilt was abolished and unconditional love was convinced to dance within them. Drying his body under the rays of Amen reminded Elegua of his first words. Long ago, before Time was born. "O Father, you are so brilliant." "Thank you, son. I am the Light" "Then tell me, Father, if you are the Light, and are so brilliant, then why is it you flee from Darkness?" "All I do is my purpose, which seeks to balance harmony with creation. Although it is much more complicated than that. Like always I suppose. I'm afraid you ask me a question that I cannot answer. Here, because you are so curious, I will show you." "I'm ready, Father." Light grew brighter causing Elegua to cry in his recollection of what it felt like to say words. The links in his mind straining to pull in the right words. Not too plain to where the moment would be lost in happen stance, and not too radical so that his manhood could stay irrefutable (to convey meaning.) Then Light disintegrated into everything and Elegua searched for Light ever since. So Elegua went to the crossroads, and prodded Darkness for Light's wherabouts, "I want to relive the the moments before he left for eternity. Where can I find him?" Without a hug or a kiss, she told him to let go of his experience in order to live in the now, "Take his place and move forward. Grow up, your Daddy's gone cus you never did." "How could you say that me? I love you, Mom. Yet all I get is hate. Why are you hiding the truth from me?" "If I don't hate you, then who will? You got so much to learn that my heart breaks into brass. You must leave, understand me? LEAVE, before I do what your Father did and them some. I'm this close. Believe me." With nowhere else to go, Elegua obeyed the commands of his Mother. Although lonely at first, the spirits of the dead related to his despair, and offered to guide him through all the known and unknown realms of Ether, so long as he guided the spirits of the living to his Mother. So that the dead could learn for themselves the origins of their being dead. And when Light came back, they could say "Father, we know of Hate, now teach us Love." Elegua tried telling them that it was hopeless, that his Father was there, just not in the way they imagined, that they we're actually his Father and they had to realize it through an altered perception. but that negativity only made them more adament to their cause which annoyed Elegua into a manic spell of existential irony which persisted during times of war with the Snakes on 5th density. One battle in particular Badly wounded, he pulled his chariot with his arms to the middle of a corn-field on a full-moon during the Solstice, it was there he made a pact with his self, to never be ignorant to the fact that fate was an inescapable constant within all contributors to existence. That the very fabric that distinguishes the dead from the living was comprised of scattered shards of an indestructable essence that attached itself to the spirit-body via fate which is the Father of destiny. That the collective conscious is woven by the thread of Fate, thus binding a common goal, or Destiny, inherent to all beings of both polarities, thus setting in motion the spiral of gnosis, which lends itself to the spreading of keys that open the doors to helping each other fulfill each others Purpose. "I will collect the pieces of my Father so that I may speak with him again as I did as a child. I will never forget you because I love you. You are everything to me, which is all I ever could be. Please, I want to know why you flee in the face of Darkness."

____10/9/17 monday

My pace quickens as I veer away from the crowd onto the handicap stairs. I silently count my steps to give off a pensive, non-assuming vibe. Over by the quad theres crows just walking on the grass. Yet I'm the only one who seems to notice, even from a distance. The busses haul ass down Memorial St. I've learned to always be on alert because I'll never know whats waiting for me when I turn my attention off the floor and become reminded of string theory. Artificial energy, cork boards with grime on the edges, tunnel of dull ends, spongy plywood cielings. as i step with my head down and in every so sudden a demarcation in the bricks, the reptiles answer emails. This is where I'm going. Because my soul chose to live here at some point in time not too long ago considering the relationship between all that the universe has to offer and my general apathy towards said all as in any and all one. Which has become quite of a bore ever since the first week ended I had to come to terms with the reality that friends won't simply fall into my lap like they would     if I wasnt such      a masochist for being lonely. The row of pillars turn to one and all I see is the contentment in the air of the lobby. In the hallway are casually turned faces which glide about in a linear fashion like the ghost of a lost bride.. I get a side-view of the people afraid to admit that this is far from the paradise we expected it to be. The brochure in our acceptance letters didn't include the drunken nights of another dimension. I'm inside the life of an architect. One who's dead by now, but lives on through his work. I'm not going anywhere, the building would say, if it could talk. And I suppose it can. Because I just had the thought, and nothing is ever truly wrong without another thought to compare it to. But then if buildings could speak existed first, and was allowed to grow and find its place in the universe, then it'd be established enough to not warrant an adversary. But the question remains where, if it existed, was its fate organized before coming into my mind, awaiting my final judgement. Substitute me for a unicellular collective conscious and it seems like we're all dealers of fate her on planet earth of the milky way of the universe of the whatever comes next (should we ever know for sure). he or she deserves all the credit for it manifesting onto the grid of my consciousness, which is a zig zag joint's worth of a high right now. The perfect amount for not giving a fuck while still staying slick enough for witty comebacks. Which wouldn't hurt right now. This building isn't going anywhere. Though I wish it would. Because I dread what I'm about to do How he must have pained to communicate something he could call his own while maintaining a dignified and safe, always safe, because god forgive, well, you know, , putting the pen to the pad, drawing  collumns in front of a Victorian fassad Succumbing to authority just to eat with a roof over your head and not freeze your ass off like a homeless freak. Profit margins in the final half of quarter one are lower than 1 standard deviation to what is considered by corporate to be optimal. As of now, the college has no incentive to ship in product from outside sources. All inventory must be stored in house to the buyer's demand. You better not be late.

___ On the parking deck

Tycho: “I had a dream I was on an internet forum. Someone posted the words: “life is an endless hell. With a blurry picture of a street at night-time. Not much different from what’s in front of us. I thought that made sense, until I scrolled down, to see a video looking out the windshield of a vintage rolls royce, coasting along a pacific highway. And the lines kept going. Next thing you know I’m falling down a pitch black waterslide, dreading my destination. If I never woke up I have a funny feeling i know where it was leading.

Preacher: In that instance did you feel the need to repent for your sins?

Tycho: No. that didn’t cross my mind. It was too late at that point.

Miranda: “I used to.

T: What made it stop?

Miranda: Seeing all the happy people around me. And knowing that they’ve been through the same shit. Break-ups, Death in the family, just generally feeling lost.

My heart was broken ”

T: Getting over the mind can be a dark place when it has nowhere else to rest. You can train it to think anything.”

Miranda: True

Tycho: Lately Ive been taking these long drives late at night into the boonies. Just to see where I up. I realized theres so many lives I’ll never know about.

If i wasnt born into money maybe I’d be humble enough to hate myself for even thinking such a thing.

How’d you get out of that?

Miranda:

These know it all professors are getting on my nerves. I fear Im crossing into an abyss I’ll never fully understand. Honestly I can’t fuckin stand these people. What name do I have to make for myself that i haven’t already experienced in the depths of my soul?

Tyco: You know how they try to act like they all official and shit, like I won’t see past it.

Miranda: [agreement] They do that.

Tyco: [stream of consciousness] So I just told her look I know its a rule, but I’m all about learning at my own pace and no disrespect i love her but Mrs. Soso can only go so far in telling me how to write. You can give tips and tricks but at the end of the day, I’ve been developed my writing style.. Like I thought we were done with all this high school shit. Well I didnt say that.

M: And what’d she say?

Tyco: She was like “As you get further into your major 90% of your assignments will be in essay format.. we require full participation “ At this im like she gonna hit me with the book like hell nah THEN outta nowhere She said “However, I also believe in 2nd chances.”. On the outside I was cool but inside I was like “*fist bump* yo i cannot fail outta college like someone watchin out for me idk who but-

Chad: fuck that shiiiiit *holds up white rum in front of street light”

Friend in background: 12! 12! 12!

Abrupt scene change. Camera shows Tyco zoned out. Then police car, as Tyco begins to hide behind the tree hes smoking on.

My black hoodie and phone-call to my dealer will still be with me tomorrow as I do the same thing.

(From a dream 10/23)

Tyco is driving around serving with Shantel when she lights her phone up from the passenger seat and puts the phone to her ear.

Shantel: You are not finna be talkin all that mess on my phone. Be honest with                  yourself. Don’t lie. You a hoe ass bitch.

?? Caller: Why are you even calling me? I dont give a fuck.

Shantel: Wait till I pull up then and slap the shit out you. Would that be better                     sweety?

?? Caller: I’m at Kawaii’s 30 deep. Bring your lil boyfriend and see what                          happens.

Shantel: Try me bitch.

[ The economy sedan turns right on red seemingly without breaking. ]

Tyco: 30 deep huh?

Shantel: With them ratchets.

Tyco: She sounds scared as hell aint nobody sticken up for her like that. You know they gonna talk shit right but soon as we throw them hands they gon be like, I dont know that bitch.

Shantel: nah but she stupid tho like not even worth all that extra

Tyco: We’re going. Wheres that nigga house i’ll waze that shit and we get there we just pop off. Aite?

[Not looking at the road, but to her, coasting down an average 2-lane with box neon trimmed tire shops and drive-thru windows governed stately as immovable beasts of mothership stores lurk behind low-sodium trenches of the new world order’s surveillence agenda for mass poplations en masse. ]

              Just follow me. I’m walkin in and gonna start a commotion just bussin                 and you just break this bottle on her mother fuckin head and we out.

Shantel: haaah what okay

Tyco: You’re gonna fuck her shit up som serious.

Shantel: She talk shit about you.

Tyco: It’s in the stars babe for real.

Shantel: You gonna help me find that bitch?

Tyco: You my fucken queen I love you and I got you.

Neighborhood entrance.

Cars parked for miles.

House identified first glance.

Park.

Car doors..

Hip-Hop

Grass.

Walkway.

Steps.

Porch.

Door opens and yellow tops within the frame.

!! WHERE YOU AT// YALL FAKE AND CANT FINESSEE !!

AAAAAH YOU UGLY DARK SKINNED NIGROS

The caller is sitting on a couch ass to ass with other dudes. Looking stupid.

She never saw Shantel. Who came upon her like The Ring.

She has become a party magnet. It is a Slayer concert now. Nobody knows who’s who. Though Tyco is surely getting his ass beat. He catches of glimpse of Shantel’s fat ass ducking through the doorway and he could die right now and it wouldnt matter.

*GUN SHOT*

FUCK GOIN ON HERE MANE

“This not the place for you bro. - White boy comin up here in my place of business - Tryna pop shit off like you really not a bitch”

Kawaii looks up with his glock-9 extendo at his GD party mostly all gone just like that. The poor girl is still leaking.

“She need to go to the hospital.” Her friend says.

He points the glock at his head. Despair.

“Look around before I kill you.” An invitation.

Tycho: “I sold a 4 oz today after my accounting exam. I could be GD, 74, rock                            purp. whatever it be its nothing but Respect yo. Got connects with chad and Becky nahmean dog. Could put you on to some numbers they white and they fiends. Please OG.

“How much for a zip.”

“80, gas.”

“Was that yo bitch?”

“yea”

Kawaii: You lyin to me?

“No.”

“She eat your ass?”

“Yeah and bounce on my BIG ASS DICK” Tyco says with autism.

K walks away.

T: they don't even sell Molly bruh

K is you fucken high you dummies. Beat this nigga ass. *Tyco imagines the why the fuck you lyyin vine and remembers the exact moment he realized that wasnt an original song but actually a spin off of a classic throwback jam by the 90s R&B group “Next” in their hit single “Too Close”.. He was driving home from the cafe he used to write high school essays in while smoking a menthol american spirit with the windows rolled down on a spring evening playing KISS 104.1 Atlantas classic jams. Then he realized there was a full 6 minute video of the vine on youtube. After watching it he felt gayer. Thats all it did for him.

Tycho wakes up on living room floor.Terry (random G, on couch): *Hands him note× Kawaii said he's sorry. No hard feelings ya heard dog?

Tyco: I guess thugs act on impulse. *looks at note* and don't count on a gahdamn thing you bitchass motherfuckers. Tyco walks into class with a black eye. The Professor talks about interest loans. Tyco meets Moe after class in parking lot.

*Moe: Waddup

Tyco: It's lemon og I just got in.

Moe: Bet. Those last cookies you got. Bomb dude. It had them frar mother fuckers leanin like they can't handle that purp like that nahmean.*laughs*

Tyco: I got some backwoods you wanna hotbox.

Moe: Yo I'm down.

10/24/17 thursday

____ Last night I decided not to hate myself. The look I get from them doesnt bother me. Really, its a simple sign from nature that I’m used to by now. A wrong impression can sustain the fog of memory, of which I will be seen from the lens of another dimension, with not a care in the world, an angel in disguise. Thats the crux of my life up to this point. To no longer hate myself. But appear as if I still do. The nameless place in our past with no address., one of which even a frat boy can relate to. This invisible standard that’s thrown us into the pits of despair must be addressed. To seperate the real from the fake. Like the others are sleep walking through class fronting like they dont see me. The pyramid of perspective is an accordian overlayed on my third eye, televising scenes of sleep walkers who stay fronting like they dont see me. Walking behind the parking deck where green dumpsters were with my phone to my ear is a feeling that remains within me until I do the same thing over again in a few days. Buying in bulk never appealed to me. And if a 20 a g was the price thered be nothing my lonely ass could do. Fuck this worthless paper, I tell myself.

I tell myself. Anyone who catches my glimpse pauses for a split second, calibrating my own opinion of the why in life. A definition of nuance that was never meant to be expressed but felt. To sense what I’ve been wanting, free and alone, after all those wasted days.

I’m signalling. Though I havent been approached yet.

Figuring that would resolve the look I give other people. I mean, christ, I turned 18 last March. And spent the Summer in a last ditch effort to secure an identity before I made my plays in college. For too long I’ve avoided the call of the light and in return have gotten blank stares.

(SOMEHOW gets wrapped up into a petty conversation with sorirty girl (on top of parking deck.)

Clarissa: I was the only one alone in the entire party.

Tycho: Why didnt you leave?

T: Dont worry I dont wanna know your major.

C; Good cus it keeps changing.

T: You think you know everything dont you? This world aint nothin babe.

C: Why do you say that?

T: What do you wanna know? That I get money? Thats nothin.

Clarissa drifts off.

Hannah: So Stacy’s telling me the banners weren’t in that right place and we’re like an hour away from starting and we still haven’t even got the chairs in order and barely anyone who was suppose to be here has shown up yet.

Tycho: Where were they?

“Well for one, Candace, I dont know whats her problem lately, but shes been gone because her best-friends now telling her she’s not rushing anymore but thats honestly a relief because that girl wheres winged eyeliner and thinks shes better than us.”

Tycho: Oh, I think I’ve seen that girl at the library or something.

     I intuit that in order to justify her reasoning for not liking the winged eyeliner girl, that she channeled my very own resonant storm cloud of which I emit silently in the face of vanity..  

H: Well you’ll probably see her there a lot more cus shes definitely not with us.

“Okay so thats one.” I say as if taking notes.

“Then Rachel’s out at some charity event that I never even heard of probably with a guy she’s not telling us about which is so frustrating that of all days you pick friday night at the peak of rush to go be a hoe behind our backs.”

“Did she ever show up to the party?”

“Yeah. And she was fucking drunk.” She said as if surprised but not really because this is Rachel we’re talking about, after all.

“Like wasted orrr “

“Damn I didnt know yall got down like that.”

“Umm when youre stumbling through the door and your first words to all the new girls is hallelujah bitches!

She wasn’t with a guy.

“So tell me more about the party. Like was there”

who nobody knows anyway

is that Cheyenne is just out of it because her friends now telling her she doesnt want to rush anymore and for one its like look,

Wait, who’s hannah?

Hannah’s the leader of her sorority.

Ooooh, Okay, I see why now

-Yeah, I mean if word got around that would literally mean she was going around their backs to cover up that she was lying.

> Right. Yeah I hear what you sayin. She’s trying to make it seem as if it never concerned yall in the first place but if thats the case then she dont need to be acting like she got the right to be trusted.

This goes beyond reputation. Manipulating emotions just cus she has none of her own. Conniving biitch.  just to get her way goes beyond reputation.

Aint nobody wanna be around that energy.

> So what you tell her?

I get schizophrenic when it comes accepting new ways of being. The person I made him out to be was the perfect cure for my suffering. All those forgetful nights of boredom I knew what I needed all along, but was to scared to do it myself.

------ Frat house halloween party kidnap scene ----

GD shaman prays to shango for power to go out by mantra. Squad in car repeats the same mantra. The power goes out at 1:00 (or peak of the party).

Tycho throws blue flare through the side of the window

at the Tycho must find Chad and lure him downstairs near the door so the squad can get the keys to the room full cocaine and adderal. After looking everwhere he’s no where to be found. He walks in on a couple having with the girl in missionary with devil ears. “Yo chad that you?” Its

(fuckem x3) Music stops from power so he sneaks in wireless speaker in his robot costume  and puts it at one end of the room. Squad member 1 will carry bigger wireless speaker and set it down when he storms in. Tycho also brings a timed strobe light to distract people and keep the illusion of the party still going.

Tycho runs down stairs and towards door with chad chasing him. Squad slaps tape and mask on him and carries like a battering ram although theyve already kicked the door.

*Power turns back on*

“Fuck em, fuck em, nigga get out my section

Don’t want to see him, I don’t want to touch him

*waves zippo lighter in front of face so chad can see him through mask*

“Ima count 3 seconds and your dead on 5 if i dont get this combination” says calmly. thus saiyth the lord thy god”

“Three... No mercy”

“Two.. Shall be given unto those”

*gives code*

          “One.”

Love takes many shapes and forms.Tycho never opened up to people, hating himself for being incapable of feeling what others felt. He wanted more so he went spiritual. Which his close friends perceived as going off the deep end."Ayy whatsup bro you tryna smoke?""I have a calc exam tomorrow but I'm down after."Aight good luck on your studying tonight and then kill it tomorrow I know you got this calc is your specialty can't say the same for me but that's why you always tutored me haha."Let me know if you need more help. Figuring their was no bounds and he could be whatever, even silent, and experience irony rather than fate. How bland, he thought, to have a life plan and nothing to look forward to. Running drugs would be a necessary chain reaction. The highest elixer exceeding the bliss provided by the very weight he'd be pushing, itd be getting off on defying his own life, leaving spirit his only option. And so like a blackbird his soul seeks experience only in the clearest degree of visibility. Swerving transgressions of lonliness to levy the burdens of contrived responsibilities at societies every turn until his flight patterns veer from the trodden path to and fro the calling of reality in which he desires to preside over as a God of many statures. Untainted by works, head first into the entity of the adversary, of which he is able to predict the situational consequence in only a glimpsing moment before havoc ensues and the final hour is upon him, his loose wings coated with astral charcoal of depravity. Be caught slipping once and he loses the jump until the enevitable program takes its course - an unstoppable relationship between fate and reckoning that must be fulfilled as day turns to night. Once that happens he reverts back to being like the rest of them. Yet to the world, now desolated beyond repair, hed still be alive, exuding a calm presence that something is not quite right with him existing without remorse. The truth is simple enough, a hint just ever so slight as to never be able to cross the threshold of utterance, thus becoming rendered a convinction of self delusion on the part of the unknowing accuser, who by this time hates himself for even thinking badly of such a good guy to make peace with.  The collage curtails past the illusion of what is already known and at last the watchers take notice and thus regeneration is able to take place along all the land, allowing for new energy to take the throne of anticipation. One that has harnessed the potential to become anything the wonder puts his mind too. So what if I'm imaginative? Yolandra: I mean everyone's different in their own way. Like yeah the soroitys have a dress code and all that Starbucks and capris. But I don't know. You just have to get know a person for who they are and not how the outside world perceives them to be. T: So what'd you first think of me? Yolandra: Honestly not much anything. You were one of those people who could be anything. But then I overheard you say taurus's are gold diggers and I hated you cus I'm a taurus. T: Oh sorry I really didn't mean it like that but c'mon now I can tell you have a taste for finer things you bougie little.. Boob. *laugh\ haha "you know what I mean" It doesn't bother you? What? That so much could go wrong so quickly? Look, deep down he's telling you his heart lies with getting over and you let him because that's /just what you like about him, how deep he gets. cus he's a sad and selfish individual who was never about loving anything other than vanity. The best thing to do would be to trust his actions, intentions aren't what's important right now. Really, forget about the soul connection. Loves comes through all types of people as long as you're open to receiving them. Those energies. Don't lose yourself in the illusion. Without ever taking credit for what truly matters which should be you. Then your fashion made sense to me. T:  I'm so caught up in myself. I mean, it's impossible to know anything else. I'll never get to stand in your shoes. Its just truth. Yet I'm the bad guy. You're not like the other people I've met. T: Yeah I'm kind of loner if you couldn't tell already. I guess that's a good thing.T: Hey it's okay. I get that a lot... Wait what do you mean you guess? Ive found that who evers saying does a 180 in their normalcy.  Knowing your even here right now is a good thing. Knowing that you're with me even when im not. Don't you think? Starting out with confidence and ending strong to be lucky if I'm not hurt. Tell me what you want out of this. Sometimes I feel so lame, then I realize how fun itd be to not care. Through the window screen i see parchments and grass blades, this is an image I've sought to ignore for its blandness thinking I was over recognizing such mundane structures. The sunlight made me drunk with non verbal contemplation. I crave this heat when I'm in low spirits. And a breeze when I'm high. My thoughts are channeled from a lonely place (My thoughts come from a lonely place)  I've had no choice but to become accustomed to for my own sanity. To work faster and breach that veil of reckonning. So unreachable and enticing at the same time.T When I'm alone, welcome something more than the past if you ever cared to help me. This isn't the only world out there. And even if it was the material would eventually reach infinity. Then a black hole would open or something. Don't quote me on that, science is the hottest thing going right now. It cant hurt to butt in unofficially. As long as no one calls you on it. The universe molds to your confidence. That's another story. At the end of the day, I have too much pride to be a scientist.  The God they're serving calls for a lot of self sacrifice. A self that ignores emergency when called to speak. A self i'm not prepared to lose. "Why are you here again, nothing will change, you're gonna be quiet like last time" any handle on reality I had during the sun rise flees like an ex girlfriend into the night. I'm not prepared to lose. Anxiety is that humid feeling you get when roughnecking the time away. Jaded peripherals, internet browsing, and fading friends initiate a color spectrum so cruelly vivid in its inability to be shared with the CVS cashier who looked at you wrong because you bought 3 4oz bottles of robitussin. A man who couldnt care to see the streets, stop signs, and traffic lights. Man is a slang term we use when caught in the moment. Of which matrix programming loves to grasp onto. --- 10/25/17 wednesday So here I am enjoying a piece of lackluster nothing for the sake of something I've agreed to experience in a past life I can't even remember but somehow must make amends to as if its an actual concrete thing I can touch and make sense out of without caring to ponder how life puts us in these type situations like getting your hair done a new way and meeting a friend of a friend superficially without ever following up like aight word up bro I feel you by the way hows life and what's the special fact I should become one with in this moment while not thinking too much in to things or else id be alone as if we're not alive under the stars for any other reason than to be happy but still to me that becomes too much like a flash in time rather than something meaningful because then sex would have to be our purpose for being here but you and I both know it's more complicated than that so we look into it via memories and realize the journey was brighter than the reward as in I don't remember the actual sex part but rather the day as a whole with stained glass sprinkled in on a film reel to push the past into something real and unexplainably alluring to the self of which we projected this light onto in order to perhaps know in advance maybe how to repeat this metaphysical phenomenon for a second time because we're not quite there yet although at this rate if seems that to finally reach a state of thereness would mean we wouldn't be able to be here right now having this conversation like a building block struck from below or a house of cards we have to keep faith that every moment plays its part because we had an emotion for it and therefore couldn't be rendered to nothing in a wreckless attempt force it all together rather let each tile compliment it's neighbor and bypass the need for destruction by allowing enough caring energy to flow through that filter mechanism within you that deems lifes moments as worth remembering or forgetting and pretend you never heard about forgetting and avoid it like the plague because everything that ever was is depending on you to go forth into righteous so that gods original intention for letting go of unwanted baggage be synthesized within your vessel of upgrades intelligence so that the journey can still be appreciated only this time without th deceptive veil of the end. to question the little things that somehow don't mean much but at the same time appear to us daily as conduits for good fortune and thats what we must uphold ___ 11/2/17 thursday

I you and me playcated on a surface of stones that match our longing to search in the wrong places. Convenient are we done such a conceivable time that is time which is also time because what more can be said other than us winding down a fire escape to an inexplicable hatch sitting like paper mache on our transformative spiritual natures. Gone already but not forgotten just make sure to take the negative side of every situation involving 1 or more parties so as to make sure the rythym is in order because you can't go wrong with challenging the status quo of an area you're not suppose to be in even if that seems too easy and superficial it's the right choice because even the idea of rebellion as a bad thing must be able to project into a physical thing prompt for examination so secrets may be revealed. Wouldn't you know i stopped believing in faith due to its redundancy of chasing metaphysical strings too far out for us to put into words and isn't that the source of all our angst. Depraved of propositional phrases and elemental tables it's all so clear to me now. Casandra had a bag and Mikey had his sneakers in the forefront like a low hanging fruit but of course they had personalities that weren't so easy to see unless the hard work of interfacing came into the equation. Lets judge people based on judging for the sake of basing ourselves onto something not within our realm of reality. Perception is a hard question i think maybe inanimate objects could tell us a thing or two. Low pressure sodium lamps.Documentorial lecture hall amps failing to reach the end of the pyramid turned 90 degrees away from its focal point. May disease not reach our unexplainable selves if ever they may inhabit our temporary vessels like a friend who has no friends but you and wants desperately to get along with others but is attached to your ways. Are we in hell? What can our astral travels tell us about signaling locations with Etheric marks of time dialation. Things are what they are by defintion or they wouldn t be things however stepping the observer up a notch sets in motion cancer to grow from the singular notion that we ourselves separate on a cost of lightening our load. I am partly responsible for this mess we have made. Pulling my hair out in thin strands so as to not make a difference. Some people just don't understand what it means to be so far gone yet in a place of enchantment that lets us know we're not alone as Michael Jackson plays on the ham radio and Wikipedia says the song was written by r kelly. I'm a solitary young man, joined at the seams complacency and red-ridden vanishing points to a line of sight I'd rather not identify with if I had a choice. I'm seriously considering becoming rich and famous despite others already forcing me to. I guess eventually my spirit will give in as my soul looks from a distance and says what a fool I am then goes about his day. You can't be like the rest of them no matter how hard you try. Thinking on the sensualities you avoided after this rap shit led you no where. The palace at the height of creation where Jesus stopped and stared to collect his thoughts before he kept going when his alarm rang as his slave bending consistency tracked the new melinnia into a moldy piece of sandstone cheese the better of which tasted nutty with fruity notes and 80% abv shards of liquid glass on the throat thatd make even an immortal weep a shy tear or two. The pigs down in Mississippi feel things we can't understand in their slaughterhouse decrepit and forwarned in a musk ridden air flow that's non existent to hypocritical angels who were supposed to stop atrocity but opted to sit on their ads and play virtua tennis all day. Oink says the pig. Hee haw says the donkey. Give me life says the God and there on the 30th night fags came to tell the story on their faces. The bag lady told them to shut up and stop whining but they wouldn't listen though they lost their ability to speak. Goodness gracious me oh my great balls of fire. Great balls of ball you are the Lord of my lonely century in this dimension I took awareness to when I allowed you into my heart space.And then I left asking my self: Who is this I?

755559888a

Let’s stand for a while and think about the dastardly ways we have gone under the waters and flew away from temptation. Have us saying isnt it so pretty to be in something and have that to fall back on due to the struggles of forgetting the place we come from which didnt always have it out for us this bad in refusing us of inconjunctions we can at least point to and blame our problems on saying “See! There, I told you so. That’s why we cant find our beginning!” And we’ll keep toilling the fields as halflings saving up for a chance to leave the very universe we serve. “So thats more like it. Finally something I can get my flows on to” Shelly the alien said. “The Stars dont have to like you just because you see them. They have their place and so do we” Gerald said. “Oh but they do.” “How do you know?” “Well for one they always shine bright at the most oppurtune times, like when I’m feeling down about the part of myself that conveinently seems to escape me just when I need it most. If that be so then put me on to something else and that’ll do just fine.” “Perhaps you're not as big as you thought ”  Gerald held up his hand to salvage what was left of the dissolving psychic barrier between them. An invisible giant with an ocd issue. For now he could only listen. “No im not here to choose and thats exactly why Im not afraid to go where you can’t. Having the courage to admit your wrongs requires as much energy as universal rotation itself - a force which exists beyond our pleaidien awareness. ” “ But Shel- Okay whatever” Gerald paused and rolled the horizon through his scaly fingertips. “Keep calling on the unknown and you might get lost because it’s been there forever and sometimes Look, Shelly, no offense, you know I love you, but your awareness has no filter on what representation it can cling onto like danger isnt a reality to you. Me and Dazel always had to look out for you and thats just in this world what makes you think you can take on things you cant even see? “But do you believe in me? Anyone can say they love me. I’ve been hearing that my whole life. So much that it holds the same meaning as “um” does in conversation. Is that really the final conclusion we have at the end of the day? That you love me? Besides, I dont think you really meant that.”

“Here goes Miss Type-1 personality again. Always needing to label circles into squares, stars into gods, this as that, out of an inability to cope with insecurity. Leaving the rest of us as unwilling participants.”

“HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT’S WRONG IN NATURE?”  Shelly bawled.  

The beach of Temofose was out of walking distance from the orange cottage they grew up in with there Mom. When they were young it was somewhere theyd go when they had nothing else to do. Euweu Sister Beach was the brighter of the two, but now too populated for their liking. Temofose is less frequented by other families and polluted by cargo ships and a lack of open views but as they stood there a semblence of twilight through the holographic cages offered closure to the purpose of them arguing in the elements about a timeline Shelly was going to step into  And no matter what argument he could put forth, Gerald thought of it fruitless unless he spoke from his heart, a heart of which Shelly was currently taking the place of, so that he could not use it against her. “Shelly, I just hope you can understand how I dont want to let you go.” “I’m sorry you feel that way. But it’s my choice. Have a good njght Gerald. I love you” She said as she went into darkness.

Summer Break 2018

As a street light exploring strip malls, I am a linoleum tile on top of a trapezoid emitting frames of rave scenes. Heres where I find myself walking through last nights dream of the gang member selling duck pussy then getting assaulted by a pizza guy and a cop. Alone after those nights. Seems love was never meant to be expressed but felt. I look inside to see if I’m about to die, seeing diamonds mixed with sky. Materializing in the backdrop of my memories. Now I know why.

Now I know.

Then a wren on the fence manifests when it needs to. The perspective pyramid is that I pleaded for a higher calling. There’s nobody bohemian as me. ��One day I’ll take this civic off the road and escape into my sacred grove. If only I wasnt such a bitch.

I carry my single briefcase through the airport parking lot. I’m hot and out of breath. Everyone watching me. I can read their thoughts but not my own. They say look at the guy who isnt me but is still conscious enough to move his vessel.

The a/c runs down to the end of the terminal, but my spirit is squared by the stores selling vain material. The pyramid of perspective is an accordian overlayed on my mind’s eye televises scenes too chaotic to put into words. Walking through customs is an event to be remembered, I tell myself. Anyone who catches my glimpse pauses for a split second, calibrating my own opinion of the why in life. A definition of nuance that was never meant to be expressed but felt. To sense what I’ve been wanting, free and alone, after all those wasted days. I board the flight to say finally I am my own religion. If I was flying over africa I’d see bon fires, but over Georgia I only see street lights. Thinking how absurd that they will speak of me as crazy. Others will listen. A vibration through these amber aisles to look no further than my destiny. Because everyone has their destination is the way it goes. I refuse. I’m tired of being a number. Atlanta had its place. Now I’m homeless in Tokyo. This is the not-so perfect end to the chapter planned out for me by the higher power. Not-so bad neither.

Save me. I’m on the other side now.

[arreumddawo]

27/3/21

HIIIIIIIIII, i’ve only blinked and its already MARCH. this time last year, what was i doing? i think i’ve already went for this current job interview and then a while later, the lockdown was announced~ but wow, time really flies huh. *cues the angmoh man blinking gif*

for the most part, i really want to write down the feelings i’ve been feeling (melancholy and loneliness) for the past few days and how i’ve sorted them out internally AND how i just want the future nabilah to just READ this and REMIND HERSELF that everything will be okay. it will be okay you dramatic, overreacting bitch! it will be okay. haha okay lets starteu~

#/melancholy 

i’ve been feeling downcast the past few days. i dont even know where to begin. melancholy as well as feelings of sadness and depression have always been a part of me since 2017 im not gonna lie but lately, these episodes got a little bad despite me trying to keep myself occupied hahah. for the most part, i am just really really afraid of getting older. i really am. its not so much of the “getting older part” which gets to me i guess but its more of how lately, i just want to turn the hands of time and go back to my past when i was 16 in secondary school (heck even primary school) and just live a life where i didnt have to worry about anything except for studying you know? where times were simpler and i was (definitely) happier. i miss wearing a school uniform, i miss only having to worry about my studies, i miss being at home at noon and watching disney channel until i accidentally nap and not understanding trig/physics/chem. oh- what id give to be in my youth again. id do anything. i would study harder and change my whole course of life and hope that i could be someone im proud of. im desperately clinging on to good memories. i terribly miss being young. i really do.

and recently, i feel like im expiring, i feel old (really old) which is funny cos ive only turned 23 BUT the fact will always be that im turning 24 this year (2021) AND its when the bone-crushing realisation of getting old really sinks in (for me). i find myself looking back at my accomplishments (which trust me is little to none) and i just feel like people are accomplishing great things (even at such a young age). there’s nothing in my life where i can truly be proud of. what have you done with your life, nabilah? questions i ask myself everyday. but then again, people would say the past experiences have shaped who i am today and without them, i would’ve been a completely different person WHICH brings me back to the next point. the current me right now who is writing this post is not someone im all that proud of either. i feel like- i feel like im struggling (keyword: struggling) to achieve great things before i turn 30 (and trust me when i say i dont even want to live that long of a life). i’m tired of adulting, of getting old, of having to worry about financial issues, of having to worry about whether i’m at that milestone where everyone expects me to be, of wondering whether im really suited for this field im currently working in. im aware that it may be very shallow of me to think this way considering that there are some people in their 30s who will probably read this, laugh at me and say “you’re still young + you still have a long way + you still have time to figure out your life” but the FACT is THAT im NOT young! i still have a long time to figure out my life? yeah that is if i plan to live way over my 30s (which i DONT). side note, my biggest fear is actually living a long life. so.. like.. what now?  

#/loneliness

this is a very touchy topic for me considering that i am planning to devote myself to the single life and dying a virgin because i really dont think (keyword: really, really) there’s a man good enough for me out there. even if there is, he lives only in my imagination. and yes, as embarrassed as i am to admit it, YES i do feel lonely at times. honestly, i really thought that loneliness is something im able to handle really well considering that ive been single.. what? my whole life? LOL HAHAHAH (its true. sucks to be ugly.) but yeahhhh as of late, during times when things get hard at work and i start tearing up in public transport on the way home, when home doesnt feel like home anymore, when the world conspires against me... i look up and wonder @God, “don’t i deserve someone who i can talk to, who loves me for who i am, who doesnt mind the mess i am?” ok that was abit cringey but yeah i used to be ashamed of secretly wanting someone special despite swearing to the single life BUT thats just how it is! and honestly i feel that humans are not psychologically meant to be lonely, that is why we’ll always crave for a partner (even if we dont need one). but all that aside, its not like im going to even try and find one (like i said, there is no one good enough for me out there) and i absolutely detest the idea of getting married and having kids so i will have to suck this lonely feeling up and just live. for the most part, i just wanted to point out how lonely this adult life can be.

side note: its really great that i have a really good support system (my siblings and friends), so yeah.. i’m really grateful for that<3.

things i want the future nabilah to read (now that i have come to terms with these feelings):

phew that was a rollercoaster now wasnt it. now that you’ve typed all that and acknowledged what you feel, i have a few things to say to you.

i just want you to know that you are (as much as you dont want to hear this or dont believe in this), you are doing well (at least the future you reading this wont look back and be embarrassed of who you were). you may not have done well for o’s, may have slacked a bit during poly and uni and regret everything academic wise (and yes personality wise) but always remember that, these things do not define the authentic real you. not getting into a local university and not achieving greater things in life during your youth, these are trifle things that you shouldnt be ashamed of or even beat yourself up about. after all, they dont matter in the afterlife?? so like, stop it. its not like you can go back to the past and change it, you only have control of the present and thats WHAT you have to work on. as tough as it may be, as much as you refuse to get old, the harsh reality is that you have to and you will. you have a degree and you’re getting experience working in the field you have always been curious about and you’re on your way to get a another diploma under your belt. you’re really doing the most if i must say??. and you’re so lucky to be able to love what you studied and do what you like. off track and a side note, i wanted to tell you that i woke up today feeling a tremendous shift in me (and i really honestly think its because of the conversations i had with zim, bff and syiqs the past consecutive days). but i honestly woke up feeling excited at what i have to offer the world. you may not be the prettiest and the smartest but the amount of love you have (and willing to give) in your heart, the feelings of empathy you’re capable of and the change you want to make in lives.. these are things that define you and you can do just that. there are times where you will definitely feel afraid and wonder if you’re doing the right thing but as long as you keep reminding yourself of your morals and values, i think you’re pretty much on the right track. 

and i know, i know you hate yourself more than anything else in this world. the face you see in the mirror and the horrible things you feel inside you, your dumb thoughts and all that but i really pray that in the years to come, you’ll grow to be kinder to yourself (and definitely the people around you). be kinder to yourself and have courage to face your flaws and work towards being a better person everyday. be kind to everyone (especially your parents) and just have a little faith that you can go through many hurdles in your life. you cannot do everything but you can do some great things and that is enough. i dont have to remind you that everything here and now in this world is just temporary right? remember the podcast you heard yesterday? true happiness will be in the afterlife, inshaAllah. death will come for you, you just have to be patient and never forget to work towards the afterlife. also dont feel too lonely. ultimately, you know you dont have the mental capacity for things like marriage and having kids and all but dear nabilah, if you get lucky and love comes to you one day through Allah, i hope that you dont close your doors firmly shut to it and embrace it if you may (only run when the guy proposes cos u aint got no time for that). last but not least, please never let go of good memories. cling on to them and let them be attestations of your kindness and love. always be kind and always try to be better for the people around you. i hope you’re smiling as you read this, i hope you’re proud of who you have become and i hope that you continue to always remind yourself of amazing person you are, despite all that you went through. 

- 23 year old nabilah (technically 24 this year but hey SUCK IT TIME IS A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT)

[choisgirls]

ok so there's ton of HCs of the RFA protecting MC but what if the tables were turned? How about some HCs of MC protecting the RFA + Saeran from harassment/being hit on by other people? (in all honesty if someone hit on my S/O they would experience hell)

A/N: honestly i’d liketo say i’d be the same but like i’m too shy and just yeah with my personalityi’d just let it happen unless my s/o is uncomfortable ^^;;; (also loOK I TRIEDTO MAKE IT NON VIOLENT FOR THE MOST PART BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE DON’T LIKE VIOLENCEBUT I MEAN I’M THE TYPE TO THROW PUNCHES SOOOO) ~Admin 404

 *YOOSUNG:

           -I’ve discussed before that he isvery oblivious

           -So he wouldn’t even really noticewhen people hit on him?

           -But you sure did, and you didn’tenjoy it one bit

           -Don’T HIT ON MY OBLIVIOUS LIL BABY

           -He never really acknowledges ituntil he sees the disapproving face you’re giving the other person

           -Then he starts getting a littleuncomfortable because wow he finally started to think about what the person wassaying, and that’s where you step in

           -You’re a nice person, you neverreally get physical with the person, you just…. use your facial expressionsto communicate.

           -So when you gave the person hittingon your boyfriend a death glare that could almost rival Saeran’s…. thenimmediately replace it with a smile…. needless to say, they froze.

           -In a sweet, innocent voice, yougreet them, introducing yourself as his s/o, and watch as they (usually)nervously take their leave

           -He actually really appreciates itthough? Like, you love and appreciate him enough to get jealous like that? Notto mention you’ve gotten him out of a few awkward situations where he was toonice to just walk away. WOW MC LOVES ME, THAT’S AMAZING please take chargemore often mc, wink wonk

*ZEN:

           -ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE

           -But at the same time he’s concernedbecause some of his fans….. tend to be a little…. adherent

           -You never get physical or hurtanyone, mind you

           -But you’re very open with youremotions

           -So if someone is hitting on him,you immediately voice your opinion

           -You place yourself in betweenwhoever is flirting with your Zenny and himself, and look them in the eye

           -“Hi there, I’m MC, Zen’s s/o.It’s nice to meet you. You think he’s handsome? That’s so funny, I think thattoo!”

           -Sounds nice, right? WRONG- yourvoice has a hint of disapproval in it, not to mention dripping with sarcasm andover-exaggerating your words

           -You’re never MEAN though becauseyou couldn’t do that. But you make it obvious enough that, hey, this is my man,please stop hitting on him. And he’s actually just so surprised that this sweetlittle person can lowkey scARE HIM WITH JUST A CERTAIN TONE OF VOICE, WHAT THE

           -He can’t really… judge though?Because he gets the same way no you get way worse, zenny, so as long asthe two of you show each other there’s nothing to worry about, you’re all okay!

*JAEHEE:

           -Baehee takes care of her damn self,okay

           -But she appreciates when you stepin like her hero and save the day

           -Like if someone’s too close for hercomfort, you’re there in a flash to gently drag her in the other direction

           -You’re more of a quiet pouter- ifsomeone’s flirting with her and she doesn’t seem uncomfortable, you stand withyour arms crossed and a pout across your face

           -stOP TRYING TO GIVE HER YOURNUMBER, PEOPLE, SHE DOESN’T WANT IT

           -She tries to be polite but, hey, atthis point, you aren’t because??? Why don’t they get the hint??? No means no??

           -So you’re constantly taking theslip of paper and promptly throwing it away or you wait until she hands you herphone and delete their number. Right in front of them. Show no mercy.

           -Do you feel bad? Yeah sometimes. Doesshe appreciate what you do though? Oh yes, very much

           -You always get a kiss on the cheekwhen you help her out of situations like that SCORE

           - threatened to punch one guythough when he tried touching her hair. doNT DO THAT. THATS MY JAEHEE, YOU STOPTHAT

*JUMIN:

           -He doesn’t even pay attention topeople flirting with him

           -Why should he? He has who he wants,and that’s you. No one else matters???

           -Why do you get so upset over it??? idkjumin why do YOU get so upset over it

           -Takes it as the highest form ofcompliment and profession of love, because that means you want him all toyourself- just like he does with you

           -But MC please don’t get physicalwith these people that’s not professional

           -HE ALMOST HAD TO PRY YOU OFF OFTHIS WOMAN ONCE BECAUSE YOU LITERALLY CLUNG TO HER AS YOU THREATENED BODILYINJURY

           -MC DONT DO THAT YOU CAN GET INSERIOUS TROUBLE

           -Loves when you cling, though. Hangoff his arm, lay your head against his chest, like yES MC DO THAT SHIT, SHOWPEOPLE I’M YOURS

           -He was talking to a guest once, andin mid-sentence, he watched you cover the guest’s eyes with your hand.“You stop that, don’t give him those eyes, you can’t have him” mCPLS

           -Overall, your demeanor stops peoplein their tracks before they even attempt to flirt with him. You radiate thissort of aura that says “back off this is my boyfriend”. Only thestrong-willed attempt, but they always fail. Though, Jumin has to kiss the sideof your head to remind you he isn’t going anywhere, there’s no need to get soworked up

*SAEYOUNG:

           - “why are people flirtingwith me im terrible” (same saeyoung, same)

           -He’s just confused all the time byit

           -And since he’s confused, he doesn’tknow how to really…react. So he just accepts it

           -But??? You don’t like that?? Don’ttouch my nerd boy

           -You like to take the “Jokinglyinsult them but lowkey mean the insult” route to get your point across

           -When I say “insult” idon’t mean you belittle them or anything, mind you. Kind of more along thelines of saying “leave him the fuck alone” without saying itoutright- you say it more in ways like “yeah he does like pizza- hisfavourite is when he’s getting it with me” ya know, that kind of thing

           -And he can’t help but laugh?? Likeit’s kind of mean and the both of you know it is but?? They don’t get the hintto leave him alone??

           -Until you get tired of the personand just grab Saeyoung’s glasses off his face, and plant a kiss straight to hislips

           -Which hey he isn’t gonna complain.He actually takes advantage of the situation and puts his hand on your lowerback, dips you slightly, and just hardcore kisses you because maybe then theperson will get the hint???

           -YOU’RE SUCH AN ASSHOLE THOUGH youwink at the person before you take Saeyoung in the other direction

*V:

           -Don’t even breathe in the directionof my cinnamon roll

           -HE’S SO NICE HE CAN’T BE MEAN TOPEOPLE EVEN WHEN HE’S UNCOMFORTABLE

           -But you can. So when someone’sflirting and asks for his number, you casually walk up and just straight denythem

           -“I was wondering if you’d liketo go grab some dinner some ti-” “No” “Who are you?”“No”

           -YOU DON’T EVEN SAY ANYTHING ELSE.JUST NO.

           -And he just smiles the whole timebecause!!! He’s glad you showed up!!! He loves you so much!!! And you’re ableto say no, unlike him

           -And for the ones who are more…persistent,despite the “no”, your persona flips like a light switch

           -You can walk up, happy andcarefree, and the moment they touch your boyfriend in a more than friendly way,you’re as cold as ice

           -That’s usually his cue that heneeds to excuse the two of you. You’d never say anything harsh, mind you, butyou would sort of keep that personality for the rest of the day. He’d have tofind a way to cheer you up so you don’t feel bad!

           -He always jokes that your face isgonna get stuck in a pout, pinches your cheeks, and waits for you to smile.INTENSE CUDDLING FOR THE REST OF THE DAY because hey MC, he’s yours and no oneis gonna threaten that

*SAERAN:

           -vioLENT

           -i can see why the two of you area couple

           -you perfected the death glarefrom him as well

           -He’s uncomfortable in almost anysituation so someone hitting on him, and that someone NOT being you, makes himVERY UNCOMFORTABLE

           -And he’s not quiet about it, either.He voices that he isn’t interested, and that they should just back off but forsome reason people take that as a challenge?

           -So you warn them with a deathglare, then by reminding them that he said he isn’t interested, then your angergets the better of you

           -There are times that you get apunch or two in, but most of the time, the furthest you get to go is grabbingthem by the front of their shirt, and pulling them real close to your face

           -There’s always threats, and neverclean language

           -But Saeran doesn’t want you to getviolent like he can be so he usually has to physically carry you away from theother person

           -BUT YOU’RE GETTING BETTER! Now youtend to just push the person away, grab Saeran’s hand while giving the otherperson a look of disinterest, and walking away wow mc look at you, you’recalming down!

[the-softer-ones]

Anti had a tenuous grip on reality normally, currently he was trying to cling onto it and keep himself present. He flittered between a state of half-calm, and manic panic but he didn’t appear to be able to control this. Of course he normally heard all three voices, it was the way Dark spoke but hearing the more unfamiliar louder was uncomfortable and suffocating- more suffocating that the void that was closing around them.

He held Darks hand tightly immediately stopping the weak attempt to get him away. As Dark cried he physically couldn’t look, his chest aching and throat tightening considerably more. He rested his head against Darks chest and focused on his voice, the story that was being gone. The sound of Darks voycebehan to calm him, slowly but surly letting him breath and quiet harsh sobs to wean whimpers.

“Yer three?” He asked softly when Dark had finished. The story was a lot, so he began slowly piecing it together in a way he understood. “Yer made’a three? Wilford killed the DA... Too many souls in one house.” He laughed bitterly pulling back to look at Dark trying to follow his gaze. “DA, somethin, Damien and Celine. Too many dead people.” He whispered the last words swallowing thickly. “Yer Damien, Celine and Dark, or is everything Dark? Is that where the voices come from?” Anti spoke slowly trying not to be disrespectful as Dark bared his souls but also struggling.

Wilford has a breakdown, and Dark being... Celine? Celine was the one Wilford dated. He had to stay and fix it. Damien and William. “I’m sorry.” He whispered.

Sorry for what had happened. Sorry what he had gone through. Sorry that Wilford had brought it all bad. Sorry that he had reacted so poorly. Sorry that he had freaked. Sorry that.... “I’m so sorry.” Anti whimpered dripping back against his chest. “I’m sorry.” He tried to speak but everything was just consumed with the apology.

-----------

Dark let him peice it all together quietly, clinging onto him, listening, then carefully pressing a kiss to Anti's head. "I am... three m, I guess.... the twins and the demon, and that makes Dark, and Wilford is William, and he saw me but he didnt, he saw Damien and I couldn't let that get out, and I'm sorry I hurt you but I told Bim you were the only one allowed through, I dont... i don't know why he ignored it."

"And We weren't the first to fall victim to that place and probably not the last, but I jusy... left my friend there... And when Wilford gets those moments im the only one who can fix it cause I'm the only one who knows and understands, and I'm sorry.... I should've told you sooner..." He shifted, one hand going into his hair, holding him close, reassuring himself.

The void seemed to melt away, though they weren't in the alley anymore, they were back home, back in the bedroom, Dark sitting on the bed and just holding Anti in his lap, refusing to let go, trying his best not to break into tears again, thinking of the hell that they had all gone through to be who they were now. He was tired of his past coming back to him, so he just focused in on the feeling of Anti in his arms, the warm familiar weight that grounded him back into reality.