#im not sure even he would be able to decide who he values more

[cnnmairoll]

Hello. I was wondering if you could you write a platonic angst story where the reader is Blade's child. I was thinking usually the only thing that could calm Blade down when the mara flared up was Kafka's spirit whisper but what if being around the reader was also able to calm Blade down for some reason because Blade barely spends any time with the reader unless it's during one of his harsh training sessions and one night the reader decides enough was enough and started packing their stuff but they left behind their lucky weapon (that's your choice) and Blade found it the next morning.

A Cup of Cold Tea

Character : Blade Genre : Angst Disclaimer : The relationship between the reader and Blade will be platonic as stated by the request. a/n : This was my first Request, but it didn't take long for me to find out about the anon sending the same request to most of the HSR writers despite their request was closed. I kept it in my drafts since it would be a waste if i just scrap it all out, not to mention my friend helped me out on this one, so I decided, why not just write the final paragraph and post? Things has been quite rough and busy for me so I'm not done with my hiatus, but I hope you enjoy p.s im sorry if he's ooc here, I don't know his chara well

His blade descends on you, striking downwards in a beautiful arc to cleave your skull.

You dodge within an inch of your life, the after image of his sword burning into your retinas as you fall into a clumsy heap on the floor. Still, you spare no moment for yourself as you scramble up, his sword drawing contact to where you lay as soon as you move.

The minutes blends into hours, time being a concept of little value in the face of Blade's viciousness. It takes everything you have to simply focus on the present, dodging and deflecting when you can. You always stay on the defensive in fights like these; any window you have to strike opens itself for only a millisecond before Blade runs it through clean with his sword.

It makes you wonder how you'd fare if Blade gave it his all. You've seen Blade fight on missions enough times to know that he is much deadlier when he is putting in active effort. In contrast, his movements here are much more sloppy and rabid, fueled only by the unadulterated desire to destroy. It is the madness of his mara in its purest form, though it doesn't make his attacks any less fatal, as proven by the countless wounds that litter your body.

Dead within the first minute, probably, comes the stray thought. It proves to cost you when you earn a gash on your arm, blood spilling freely from your left. You grit your teeth; you need to pay attention. There's never a guarantee for your life when Blade gets like this.

Red spider lilies bloom around you like a garden welcoming death. It sings of carnage, reeking of blood that it greedily consumes, begging for more even if it will eventually wilt away. It feels symbolic, in a way. Out of the two of you, only you are the one who is able to experience true death.

Still, you cannot help but find the blooming sea of red beautiful, even if it is always likely to be your final resting place.

There is a lull in Blade's movements, the manic in his eyes glazing into a dull scarlet as he catches his breath. Immortal he may be, but even he has a limit he will reach. It is a mercy; not only does it signify that his mara has not yet reached a point of no return, it also allows you time to recuperate. Had Blade been given unlimited stamina on top of his self-healing, you would surely have died a long time ago.

Now that the man has tired himself, it is time to bring him back.

"Father," you begin. It comes out as a feeble whisper, your lungs still burning from exertion. Still, you must press on. "Are you okay?"

Blade is silent for a beat, then two. This is fine; you can wait for as long as he needs for your words to reach him. You've gone through this routine enough times to memorize his mannerisms, all of which are currently saying that you are in the clear. So long as his grip on his weapon doesn't tighten again, then you have nothing to be afraid of.

Silence reigns within the room, until you recognize the clarity return to Blade's eyes.

"..You," he grunts, voice hoarse. It's scratchy from his manic screaming and laughter, and you make a mental note to add honey to his tea for his throat.

You nod approvingly. "Yes, Father. Are you okay?" You repeat the question, and this time, Blade manages a sharp nod.

You grin, happy at his answer. You open your mouth to speak again, but Blade cuts you to it. "What happened to your arm?"

The man stares hard at something, and you follow his gaze to find the gash on your left arm. The bleeding has mostly stopped from what you can tell, but it's still an ugly thing to look at. You'll have to wash it soon.

You hum, considering. "It's only a minor cut, Father. I can patch it by myself later."

His eyebrows twitch, his eyes narrowing. "Come," he says simply, walking towards the door.

You let your sword disperse into particles of light before following Blade out of the room. You know there is no arguing with him when he gets like this. Any attempt to reassure him that you can handle yourself will only end with him staring at you with unreadable eyes until you inevitably give in. You're not sure if he does this because he is aware of this fact. Blade doesn't strike you as the type to be attentive to such details, but it's worked every single time, so.

You are both silent as he tends to your wound, cleaning it thoroughly before dutifully bandaging it. Blade even add bandages to the smaller cuts you would've left alone, meticulous in making sure all your wounds are taken care of. You know it is his way to apologize, as he is a silent man who prefers actions in lieu of words. That, and that he's always been awkward when it comes emotions like remorse.

"Get some rest," he says, returning the equipment to the first-aid kit. Blade looks at you, expectant, and it is only when you nod does he leave you alone.

He never calls you by name. It's something that bothered you when you were younger, but it's something you've grown to accept. You're not even certain Blade can recall your name if asked. You know it is his way to cope, to always be prepared for the day when you, too, will leave him. Remembering names are a burden on his soul, so the least you can do is spare him from remembering yours.

Your patience reached its limit. In the dead of night, you quietly packed your belongings and left a note behind. It was brief but carried the weight of your feelings: "I need to find my own path for a while. I hope you understand." You didn't sign it, hoping that the absence itself would convey the message more powerfully.

The moon hung high in the sky as you walked away from the place you called home, your steps determined despite the uncertainty that gnawed at you. You had no plan, no destination in mind. You just knew that you needed time away.

The next morning, Blade woke up to find the room unusually quiet. The absence of the usual sounds—your soft footsteps, the steaming sound of the kettle pot when you made his morning tea—was like a deafening silence. He pushed himself up, his senses alert even before his eyes fully opened. His gaze darted around the room, searching for any sign of your presence.

The sight of your neatly made bed and the note left on the table struck him like a blow. For a moment, he stood frozen, his heart heavy with a mixture of regret and realization. He had been so consumed by his own pursuits that he hadn't noticed the growing distance between you.

His eyes shifted to a corner of the room, where a familiar object caught his attention. There, placed with careful intention, was your lucky weapon. The fiery red blade of the sword gleamed in the soft morning light, its hilt wrapped in supple black leather. The pommel, resembling the closed bud of a red spider lily, held a sense of elegance and balance that echoed the bond between you and Blade.

A pang of guilt and longing gripped Blade's chest as he picked up the sword. The weight of it felt familiar in his hand, a stark reminder of the times he had shared with you. The sword seemed to dance in the air, reflecting both its deadly capabilities and the beauty of its craftsmanship—a reflection of the connection he had with you, one he had been neglecting.

Blade's footsteps were heavy as he left the room, carrying the sword with him. As he went to sit down and process your absence, he noticed a cup of tea placed neatly on the table. The tea, once steaming and fragrant, now languished in its cup, forgotten and neglected. It had been carefully prepared by you before you left, a gesture of concern and care. The faint aroma of the blend, a comforting blend of herbs and warmth, with a hint of honey, still clung to the air around it, a lingering reminder of their intention.

But time had been unkind to the tea, its temperature steadily dropping as it sat abandoned on the table. The steam that had once risen from its surface in delicate tendrils, carrying with it the promise of comfort, had now dissipated into the air. The liquid's once-rich hue had faded slightly, a sign that its vitality was waning, much like the embers of a dying fire.

Blade's eyes fell upon the cup, his gaze drawn to the cold tea that had been left for him. His fingers, calloused from years of wielding the blade, reached out to touch the cup, and he felt the chill radiating from its surface. It was a stark contrast to the warmth he had felt earlier, a reminder of how quickly time could transform something from inviting to forgotten.

As he wrapped his fingers around the cup, he couldn't help but recall the hoarse quality of his voice that had consumed him during their training session. You noticed, as you always did, attuned to the subtleties of his state. The touch of honey they had added was a balm for his throat, a gesture that had been both practical and considerate.

Blade's throat tightened with an emotion he couldn't quite name. The cold tea before him held within it layers of meaning—your concern, your attempt to provide comfort, and a reminder of his own shortcomings.

Regret gnawed at his insides, twisting and churning with every breath he took. Guilt clawed at his conscience, tearing through the facade of indifference he had so carefully crafted. Loneliness engulfed him like a suffocating cloak, reminding him of the void left in your absence. And yet, beneath it all, there flickered a tiny ember of hope—a glimmer of redemption, a chance to right the wrongs he had committed.

Blade couldn't shake the overwhelming sense of despair that threatened to consume him whole. For in that moment, he realized that the hardest battle he would ever face was not against his enemies, but against the demons of his own making—the ones that whispered of his failures and shortcomings, echoing relentlessly in the caverns of his heart.

[sibylsleaves]

This isn't a Buddie established relationship ask so feel free to ignore this but I'm curious...what do you see Buck and Tommy eventually breaking up over? Or what would you want them to break up over?

anon do you want to get me killed

no, i'm totally kidding, this is an interesting question! and im sure everyone is going to be completely normal about me answering it right guys

(under a cut for length)

I think if I'm being super honest, my #1 choice would be Eddie. Both for Buddie reasons and for established narrative reasons--Eddie has been haunting the narrative of BuckTommy, so to speak, since the beginning and it makes a lot of sense to me that it would come back around to him in the end. In 7x04, Tommy says it was "never his intention" to come between Eddie and Buck. He also says Buck "isn't the only one" who can get jealous. In 7x05, Eddie says "this doesn't change a thing between us." Maddie in 7x05 also says that line about "if there's something you need to tell Eddie, you will in your own time."

Right now these are just lines that mean what they mean at face value BUT they are also ripe with potential to be foreshadowing for an eventual break-up/Buddie feelings realization arc. I do think the Bi Buck arc/Tommy arc in general is an excellent catalyst for Buddie feelings realization because. well. it DOES change the equation in a fundamental way. And it's like. slow burn romance 101 to have one character pining over the other while they're in a relationship, so. the stage has been set.

But what form that takes exactly, idk. If I'm the one in charge, I think I'd want Eddie feelings realization -> pining while Buck is with Tommy -> separate Buck feelings realization -> break up with Tommy -> mutual pining for a while -> eventual Buck confession -> they get together. With like some more messy fun things thrown into the mix idk.

I'm less enthused but still intrigued by a Tommy realizes BEFORE Buck arc leading to a break up. I think it makes sense as an echo of Buck's bi realization--Tommy was the catalyst there and it wasn't until he kissed Buck that Buck came to terms with his feeling so I do like the narrative parallels there.

But from a character perspective I think I just really want Buck to get there on his own because one of his prevailing character flaws is that he just kinda...does not know what he's doing or what's happening in his brain ever. He says to Connor and Kameron in season 6 that he "doesn't know what he wants." and in 7x05 he says to Tommy he "doesn't know what he's ready for." And Maddie says in 7x05 that Buck "isn't sure of his own feelings yet." So. I'd like to see a growth where he IS sure of his feelings, where he DOES know what he wants and what he's ready for, and is able to take the initiative and be the one to break things off with Tommy (learning from his mistakes with Taylor/Lucy).

If it's not Eddie (or perhaps Eddie is just PART of the equation) then I think it could go a couple different routes. Route 1 would be a fundamental incompatibility, something like...idk. Tommy not really taking Buck seriously as a partner. This would kind of harken back to their first date (and also to Buck's relationship with Abby) and Tommy cutting out because he thinks Buck "isn't ready."

Or maybe they break up because they don't want the same things in life. I've said it before with other Buck relationships on the show but I would actually love to see an amicable break up because Buck wants kids and his partner doesn't. As Buck gets older, I REALLY would love for the show to really delve into his desire for family/kids, and this particular storyline I don't think I've ever seen portrayed. And it's a very normal reason for a couple to break up!

Or maybe Tommy has to move away for a Cool Helicopter Job and Buck contemplates moving with him. Maybe he even decides he will. But then something Happens and at the last minute he realizes he can't leave his family and that his home is in LA and he has to let Tommy go. This would give me a lot of found family feelings so 🥺

Or maybe they end up together and there's no break up arc. Anything could happen tbh.

[belmottetower]

ur post about jamie’s loan has me thinking soooo many thoughts but the main thing im confused about is this: how was jamie able to get on the starting line-up so quickly after returning from his loan to richmond? city obviously hadn’t originally intended to recall jamie for a while as of 106 — jamie’s loan being pulled and him actually being sent back is presented like a surprising piece of information for everyone in the team, and i just can’t interpret that as “his contract was expiring soon, he just went back a week earlier than normal”. it felt like ted (at the very least) was setting up jamie to stay for a while after that, both strategically and socially. so, if he had spent much less time in richmond than intended (and thus probably developed a lot less than intended), how did he manage to start in richmond’s relegation match? it could have been city trying to give him more minutes against a lower ranked team, but then why would they start him AND let him play the whole game even after it was tied 1-1 if he’s not a consistent part of the starting line up? im a silly little american who knows nothing about european football, but it just doesn’t make sense how jamie could go from “we’re going to give you so few minutes that we basically have to loan u out or else you’re just wasting time” to “you’re going to be on the starting line up/close to it” so quickly once returning to city? was it just him learning to be a team player or is the show just getting fuzzy w the details? (also that was so long im sorry this is just a Very Specific Question and im trying to get it across properly)

This is referring to things from my earlier loan ask, so linking that here.

First of all, I am sure that Jamie's loan was meant to go until the end of the season. However, a loan can be terminated at any point during the season if both parties agree to it. So in this case, City saw he wasn't playing every possible minute with Richmond and they said to Richmond, "if you aren't going to play him, we want him back. We'd rather be the ones training and not using him if YOU'RE not going to use him." They were the ones that instigated the recall of Jamie, Rebecca just simply had to agree to it on behalf of Richmond and Jamie goes home. (Let's not worry about the fact that his agent would have been involved in this process because 2 seconds of digging in that direction makes the plot fall apart.)

But Jamie had been playing for Richmond for almost a full season at this point, from the summer of 2019 to what has to be around the February of 2020. He was there for over nine months of the season, and he went back to City when they only had a couple of months left.

In 1.08, when he visits Keeley, it's late March and he tells her that City were in town playing West Ham. He says "I had ten touches, I had two completed dribbles, and in the 89th minute they let me take a free kick." This implies to me that he was being brought on as a substitute at that point. Because ten touches, for a forward, is not very many during a full 90 minutes. And then the "They let me" in terms of taking a free kick sounds to me like he's still very much not a major power player, more like he's been given a chance, like "give the kid a turn, see how he handles it."

But it still feels to me like City valued Jamie as a player, and when they got him back after around nine months of a loan, they decided to give him a few more chances and see what he could do. And if he's succeeding for them in games as a sub, it's more likely that he will start the next match.

And the thing about the Richmond relegation match is that it's implied City had already secured the Premier League title, weeks before. They are not awarded the trophy at the end of the match. They're not celebrating having won the League. There's no commentary from Arlo and Chris about how City need this to secure the title, unlike they way they explain it in 3.11 and 3.12. So Ted's dressing room speech about giving the champs 90 minutes of hell implies to me that City were ALREADY the league champions, that they'd won it a little earlier in the season. Hopefully it's clear to everyone by now that with a league table, this is pretty common, if someone gets enough points that it is mathematically impossible for other teams to catch up. 

In real life, this year City won the league with three matches left to play. And in this circumstance, once the thing is already won, Pep will shake up the starting line ups quite dramatically and give different players the chance to play. For example, Cole Palmer, who I mentioned in the other post? He started for City in their matches against Chelsea and Brentford at the end of the season, AFTER City had already secured the title, when there were no consequences to City winning or losing. They won against Chelsea and Palmer got an assist on the winning goal, and they actually lost to Brentford in the final match of the season but it didn't matter. Pep uses a high rotation anyway - City does not have a fixed starting eleven, it changes all the time, Palmer has started a handful of other matches in various competitions - but this is very likely what happened to Jamie in terms of the Richmond match. It's the only match we know for an absolute fact that he started in for City, and it's probably because it was a game where the line-up could be changed around and experimented with to give different players opportunities, because they weren't "playing for anything."

Basically, in summary - Jamie played for Richmond for 9-10 months (depending on how early he came in preseason.) By the end of that stay he had played a lot more minutes by then than he ever had before even if he didn't get to stay the whole length of the season. City knew he'd improved and recalled him, deciding that if Richmond weren't going to utilise him, they'd prefer he be with them in Manchester to use when they want. They start using him as a sub in the last couple of months of the season, and he proves himself to be a valuable player for them. So he gets to play more minutes, maybe gets subbed on earlier each game, and eventually he gets to start a few matches, especially ones after City has already won the title and Jamie gets to play the match just for the experience.

In terms of being a team player, I fairly strongly believe that at City, this would have been a given for Jamie no matter what. Jamie got full of himself playing as a 1-up-front striker at Richmond, maybe in a 4-2-3-1 formation, but that's not how he would have ever played at City. Pep's favourite formation during that era of City is 4-3-3 and that's what Jamie was playing in for the Richmond match, he was part of a line of three (the formations are on the Arlo White cheat sheet) against Richmond's 4-4-2. City in this shape favours high possession and passing, so Jamie would have to have been succeeding within the style Pep wanted, i.e., being a team player and passing a lot and not acting as an individual star taking control of the match.

Jamie at Richmond was a selfish player largely because he didn't see the other players as good enough. He saw himself as a cut above them and their only value was to facilitate him in taking control of the match. He's not actually wrong about the skill level objectively, and even Roy admits it in 1.04 - that he knows he should be passing to Jamie but he can't stand Jamie's attitude about it. Because shaping the team to facilitate a star striker like that is not inherently bad football, not if the player isn't a cunt about it - it's a bit like what we saw with Zava, which looked ridiculous to us as viewers but was not actually a situation that anyone other than Jamie resented because Zava made the others feel valued, even if it felt fake to us. But look. Footballers do understand that some players are just better than others, and if your star striker is a nice person who makes everyone feel valued and treats people as proper teammates, there's nothing wrong with the tactic being "get the ball to that person and let them take charge." 

Richmond was Jamie's first taste of being that heroic superstar, where he was the one with all the glory, and because he didn't see the rest of them as on his level, he became a bad "team player" due to not recognising the part the rest of the team played in his success, or helping them improve (playing with people better than you should make you better, generally!) or believing that any of the others could achieve anything. He felt he was doing it all by himself. And George Cartrick clearly also had no interest in training the team in any other way. Very much "just get the ball to Tartt, he's the only one who's any good, and try not to fuck up in the process" as opposed to using Jamie's prowess to elevate EVERYONE. 

At City, where Jamie probably wasn't the best player on the team, where the standards were more equally at his level or better, this factor is not an issue. That's not how Pep trains them, it's not how Pep thinks. Jamie knows that he's not the solo star there. He knows that all the other great players will be contributing to making things happen, that everyone is smart and talented and aren't going to fuck up. Whether he liked it or not, he would have had trust in the way that playing style works, knowing that it's what's being asked of him from Pep and what the situation calls for. But Jamie didn't trust the Richmond players to be good enough to contribute. We see this Sam a lot - his attacks on Sam are often because Sam has failed to put a pass where Jamie wanted it, or missed a shot in training, or whatever. This is not an excuse for his behaviour but it is clear evidence that Jamie is frustrated because the rest of the team isn't at his level. And unlike season 3, he has no interest in working with them on improving, or showing them how best to play with him. Being a good team player isn't always about sharing the ball equally or whatever, it's about working as a team to feed each other's strengths - that's how season 3 Jamie can be both a team player and a total star player at the same time.

Honestly, to me, Jamie making that extra pass in 1.10 wasn't anything to do with Ted, aside from narratively for us as viewers. That's just how City plays football. That's Pep's influence, not Ted's. Ted sees it happen and thinks he's done something to change Jamie's attitude but in my opinion, Jamie is just playing the way Pep wants him to, because he actually values Pep's opinion about tactics in a way he didn't value Ted's. 

There is no way in hell Jamie went from age 13, or whenever he was scouted, to age 23, being a consistently selfish ball hog style player at Man City. Lots of players want to be stars, but I believe that the level we see in season 1 is just how he thought he needed to play at Richmond, because he felt like he was the only one who knew what he was doing and making anything happen on the pitch, and then of course he liked how it felt to have all that attention on him. But the way Jamie was playing at Richmond is simply not how City play football, and season 3 makes that canon to the Ted version of City too, not just an unfounded real life football comparison. City in the show are coached by Real Pep and play Pep's version of total football. That's what Jamie was doing when he made the extra pass,  and it's his experience with Pep's total football that allows Jamie to help Richmond so much in season 3.

[peachjagiya]

https://www.tumblr.com/peachjagiya/747891487375753216/im-not-a-shipper-and-definitely-in-no-way-a-jkkr

I hope you don’t see this as me being combative. I am honestly just trying to understand something.

I am aware that not everything the members tell fans is the truth and i certainly know that sometimes they will flat out lie or tell half truths to protect their privacy and themselves and I 100% get that. What i don’t get though is why they would lie about not seeing each other? Also, why do you get to pick and choose what you think is a lie and what you think is the truth? Isn’t it possible that they could also lie about things that reinforce your belief? I would not expect them to admit to things that could clearly out them as a couple but there are just certain instances where there is no point in lying. For example, on Jk’s birthday in 2022, Jin went over to his place and started naming all members and asking if they had come to greet Jk and Jk said Hobi and Jimin came over and when Jin asked about Tae, Jk said he didn’t come. In this case why would Jk lie? He could just group tae in with the rest who came and that wouldn’t be weird or suspicious would it?

The example you gave about Jk and sex don’t really fall in line with what i am saying. Jk never said he has never dated did he? He didn’t even say he isn’t dating, he said he doesn’t have a girlfriend but not having a girlfriend at that particular point in time doesn’t mean he never had one. He knew the implications of saying he knows everthing he has to know yet he still made it clear that at the moment, he didn’t need a girlfriend and just wanted to concentrate on work.

You don’t have any concrete proof that your ship is real, all you have are moments and the things they say. If you begin to doubt everything they say unless it is something that reinforces your belief then don’t you think that is a problem? You cannot decide that they lied just because they said something you didn’t want to hear. Besides why would Tae be able to openly tell everyone Jk sings a song for him yet he can’t admit that he saw Jk on his birthday? Or why would Jk be able to tell everyone that Tae heard his song first yet he lies about knowing where Tae is? You see how you pick and choose? If you really believe that they lie about simple things like this to protect themselves or not out themselves then why would Tae post a facetime pic of himself and jk both shirtless knowing that a huge part of this fandom ships them? I don’t think it makes sense.

Not combative at all. It's fair points.

I mean... Maybe Tae just didn't see him on his birthday. And maybe that's not a problem? Maybe Tae had other plans for celebrating with JK? Like we don't know but I know a ton of people who simply don't value their birthday. I've not seen my wife on her birthday every single year.

I don't always take it as face value if it benefits Taekook either to be honest. In the more personal lives, yes for sure.

But if it's true that we're not supposed to think of them as even close, and there's evidence to suggest that's how it's been presented, if they're saying they are close, I do pay attention to that. Because it's not the company line and there's no benefit to lying.

2018, JK has a mental health situation.

2018, Tae has a mental health situation.

Jin, I cannot remember when but it doesn't matter: "Jungkook wasn't talking to any members"

2018 Festa: "I received the text" "the other text was to me"

2023 Suchwita: "Me and Jungkook were reading those texts together."

Conclusion: JK was talking to one of the members. But Jin couldn't say "he wasn't talking to anyone except Taehyung."

Jin isn't a liar. Jin is either unaware or leaving that detail out. Either way...? There's Taekook stuff they're either unaware of or aware of but omitting.

Slowly the bigger picture is revealed. All Tae does is expand upon what we already knew and fill in what was left out. So I do tend to listen more to those extra details, yeah.

As for why they'd ever say anything about their relationship... I think they've been braver with the freedom of hiatus and I also don't expect them to be able to hide it without going slightly insane.

[wibble-wobbegong]

Something something tell me about the relationship between sense of duty and self preservation when Mike wants to present himself as El's perfect nice het boyf. I know he's so so aware of this dilemma and may or not be mentally shitting on himself for it but I am very curious on how you think it is playing out otherwise🤔🤔🤔

*cracks my knuckles* it’s been a while but im feeling impassioned about my boy rn. forgive me if this is cruddy

When we’re looking at these two pieces of Mike, it’s important to understand that it’s rather paradoxical. I’ve failed to explain this before, but I think I finally have the words for it.

So, as far as Mike’s sense of duty, we’re all well aware that it’s very intense. When he feels like he must be dutiful or that he owes someone, he does so with a vigor that’s unmatched by any other character. What he decides as deserving of his loyalty, however, is not something that’s always perceived as fair by the audience. Most of us, as far as I have seen, agree that Mike should have been loyal to Lucas and gone to his games, but Mike clearly doesn’t agree with that sentiment. He felt betrayed by Lucas as he joined the basketball team and yearned for popularity rather than him continuing to be a full fledged nerd like Mike.

Lucas was Mike’s rock throughout S3, which is when we saw him following the route of normalcy alongside Lucas. Or attempting to do so. Their mutual feeling of betrayal is rooted in Mike returning to his truer self whilst Lucas does the same– they just happen to desire different things in life. Lucas wants to be treated like everybody else and be able to balance his nerdier side and a more stereotypical life, which we see him attempt to do in S4. Of course, at the end, Lucas comes to understand that popularity and such is not what he expected it to be. That doesn’t mean he didn’t want it, he just has a morality that is stronger than his wants for security.

Mike, on the other hand, doesn’t and never has actually wanted to be normal. It’s been a thing he’s forced himself to be and proceeded to fail miserably in doing so. He isn’t and doesn’t want the popularity and sense of belonging in stereotypical groups, and it’s painted in the argument scene between Mike and Dustin vs Lucas where we witness Mike hanging his head as though he understands Lucas’ wants, which Lucas would hope he would, but he can’t bring himself to prioritize this over his sense of betrayal.

This is all to demonstrate that Mike has carried his personal value of loyalty all the way to S4 from S1, so it’s an immovable trait of his, even as it evolves. However, he still deeply cares about his friends, even if he does feel betrayed. In S1, despite believing El had betrayed him, he didn’t kick her out to the streets. He was clearly upset with her, but not enough to risk putting her in serious danger. With Lucas, he’s upset as well, but we see the guilt clouding him fighting against the anger he feels. The difference between these two situations is that Mike feels as though Lucas chose to leave whereas El didn’t leave. The level of danger is different, sure, but Lucas still risked himself by approaching these people who reflect those who bullied the Party in the past. Mike has changed over time, and his bottled up emotions and inability to let himself truly free has built up and his anger has started to outshine his deeper sense of loyalty.

That being said, we also see Mike’s dedication differ based on how much he believes he owes a person. In El’s case, he owes her a lot. She brought Will home to him and he had promised her a relationship. She has saved them countless times. She’s a superhero. Mike’s devotion to El is much stronger than anybody else as a result. He has prioritized her over everybody else in his life, even the people who make him happier, because he knows El desires this with him. El has given him no reason to feel betrayed for 3 of the 4 seasons, and Mike grew to care about her very quickly. When Mike cares, he cares a lot. He carries intense emotions about basically everything and tends to overreact, which can come out as spurts of anger or sadness, but it can also be seen as pushing himself to do an unnecessary amount for El specifically, in recency.

Here’s where it gets somewhat paradoxical. Mike’s sense of duty is strong, but as a result he’s become unable to express himself with anybody. You’d think that Mike’s duty would become central to Will, and we know that it is as soon as El is gone. It’s made clear in S2. Unlike anybody else, Will has the unique trait of being Mike’s best friend. He’s the only person Mike will allow himself to open up to, and we saw that with his explosions in S3 and his softness in S4, especially in the van. Mike has to protect himself and this identity he upholds when he’s with El so her happiness is maintained, but his dynamic with Will means he’s able to actually express himself and rely on Will– those emotions tend to be negative and sometimes hurtful because all of it gets laid onto Will. All his frustrations and problems are talked through with Will because he’s the only person Mike can trust in such a way.

As a result, we see Mike painted as selfish and a shitty friend to Will. We know Mike is willing to be there for Will when he truly needs it and we know Mike wants to be there, which we see in S2 and S4 (regardless of whether or not he called, he still listened to Will and made amends). S3 is a unique situation of Mike being incredibly stressed and feeling as though he has to isolate himself from this either part of him entirely in order to maintain his persona of El’s boyfriend. This gets taken out on Will as well. A major part of this is that Mike views his entire self as unworthy of being El’s boyfriend, so he attempts to mold himself into the person he believes she deserves, but this means cutting out anything not considered normal. Obviously Will was insisting on doing things the old way of the Party, which he shouldn’t be blamed for whatsoever, but on an even deeper level Will is tied to who Mike truly is as a person and he refuses to change himself, meaning Mike can’t swerve his way around that part of himself so he feels as though he needs to suppress and even abandon Will (somewhat). When Will digs his heels into the ground and tugs on Mike, desperate to bring back the boy he knew, Mike gets pissed off and yells. This is quickly overtaken by his care for Will, which is why he runs after him.

Mike cares about Will, but he was warring with himself over who he thinks he’s supposed to be versus who he actually is. El is representative of his commitment to those he loves, but Will is representative of the freedom of self. Mike has been struggling to balance these two for so long because they’re core parts of who he is. He values his sense of duty in the highest regard but there is nobody who doesn’t want to be themself deep down. Mike has not yet learned to prioritize his sense of self over his sense of duty due to his own belief that he isn’t special or worth loving when he is himself, so he allows himself to be overcome with his duty.

We’ve seen him acknowledge that he recognizes his shitty behavior and wants to be better, but still struggles. Yet, as soon as Will promises him that he is loved for who he is and that he is special and gives him strength in that way, we see him smiling and able to connect with El on a level that isn’t false romance but friendship and love. El clearly prefers this Mike, as we see her smiling and laughing with him when they aren’t forcing themselves into a relationship neither of them are happy in. This is ripped away, however, when Will says, “You’re the heart!” because Mike had truly thought those were Will’s words in the van. He knows El would never say those things, so is heart is crushed with the realization that Will had lied to him: he’s not special, he’s not really the heart, he’s not anything Will described. Mike reverts back to his sense of duty immediately and the pain for both him and El is clear.

Basically, it’s a matter of his inability to prioritize himself and his happiness over his dedication, how he views El as someone he owes and how he views Will as a piece of his happiest and most genuine self, and the fact that he feels as though he must hide his truest self in favor of being the person he thinks El wants, which leads to him pushing Will away and fighting with him despite his desperate want to be himself. He flips around so much because of this push and pull in his head and El and Will not really expressing to him what the want from him. El doesn’t really want a relationship with him, she just thought it would make her normal. Will wants Mike so badly but he can’t tell him that, so he fights for what he thinks Mike’s happiness is. Mike doesn’t communicate what he wants to either of them. All three of them are hot messes.

[thesparklingwriter]

34: you need rest

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“Hey listen, Rex,” you say quietly, gently taking your hand in his. It took the doctors around 3 hours to be satisfied with your progress, and the drowsy effects of the painkillers they gave you have begun to wear off. It's only three hours later that they begin to make steps towards waking Zhongli up.

And more than anything, the guilt is making you queasy. If you hadn't asked to get Starbucks, would someone else have been targeted by that driver?

Ei tells you that the driver had blood alcohol levels high enough to affect their reasoning but low enough that they would have had some understanding of what was going on–and with the way their car hit yours, she’s not convinced that it’s truly an accident. To hit a car side-on in a motorway by accident would be a feat in itself.

“Listen, I don't need a walk-in wardrobe. And if you wake up and you don’t hate me I will never ever make such a ridiculous suggestion ever again, and you can have the spare room for whatever you want it for, okay? I won’t judge.” You sigh. “Even Itto is worried out of his mind for you. And that’s saying something, so don’t be all… I don’t even know. You should have seen him. By the time he got here, I wasn’t completely loopy anymore but he was so scared he cried. He wanted to see you too, but the doctors heard his wailing from down the corridor and thought it would be best not to let him in.”

Ei enters the room, shutting the door behind her, and quietly dismissing the doctors. You look up at her, and she smiles wryly, holding a folder out to you.  “I think you might find this report of interest.” you take the folder from her, quietly questioning why she’s giving it to you and not waiting for Zhongli to wake up.

“I understand that you value Zhongli’s opinion, but I want you to be able to have a chance to think about how you want to proceed with this on your own.”

You open the file carefully and ignore all the police reports and doctor’s analyses. You know exactly how things went, and you don't want to relive it all. It's the resolution document that catches your eye.

“Lumine?” you say quietly, looking up at Ei carefully. “But you said the driver likely had intentions of seriously harming me. Lumine has a career she has to uphold, she wouldn’t ever stoop this—”

Ei stops you with a raised eyebrow and you clamp your mouth shut. “You can choose. You let her get incarcerated for attempted murder and not go to a hearing, you can go and fight for her to get the least time, or you can go and fight to get the most time for her.”

“That would ruin her life.”

“Hasn't she attempted to ruin yours enough times?” Ei says quietly. You don’t have to decide now. I suppose you should discuss it with Zhongli once you’ve made your decision. But stop pitying a woman who has never pitied you. Lumine has always been preying on your downfall and you're the only one who has never seen it. Don't extend mercies to those who don’t deserve them.”

You open your mouth to respond, but Zhongli’s hand twitches, and your focus returns to him immediately.

Ei excuses herself.

© 2023, thesparklingwriter. please do not copy, edit, repost, or translate.

notes: womp womp we almost at the end :33 anyway as of right now im still not 100% sure whether im going to end this on this chapter or the next and i also dont know exactly how im going to end it...

taglist: @shadowheads-shitshow @sharkiestory @roxie-miya @starbbearie @luminescent0 @kay-stryker @auraficial @whatamoodhoney @gautier-lei @medusuu @aixaingela @theblueblub @kika-a @je-suis-argent-miel @loveperfectionchaos @vanitasbrainrot

[bebx]

hi im so sorry but i need to get this off my chest and i cant talk to my friends about it because its so embarrassing and ive talked about it PLENTY

but anyway long story short i was dating someone, we have a weird history dating wise & have been best friends for 3+ years before that all started. literally three weeks ago we decided to be exclusive, on friday i found out that the day before, he kissed another girl IN PUBLIC. i know that girl, they've hooked up before (when i was also hooking up with him but it wasn't anything really and i didn't actually know for sure if they were hooking up (they were)). so we called it quits.

i still spent the weekend bc i'm weak and all i want is him. he said he never felt a connection like this with anyone, he said he loved me and he said he was sorry a hundred times..... he said it would take a long time before he'd feel 'normal' about me. we were both emotional when i left, and since then i havent really stopped crying lol

AND NOW. i dont know if im just driving myself crazy but i feel like he's (still) (again?) talking to that one girl and it would make sense because he basically cheated on me not even a week ago so why wouldnt he do this now??? but. it feels too cruel. but maybe thats just who he is.

god i hate this so much he drives me completely mad im stalking his every move and every time i see something that even slightly hints at my suspicions i get so ill and it makes me wanna kms. i just wanna feel normal i hate that he did this to me i miss him so bad. i know we literally shouldn't ever get back together again because this is just a fraction of the shit thats happened in the past 10 months, BUT I ONLY WANT HIM. and i feel like we're soulmates. BYEEEEE this is so humiliating. im so tired i just want it to end

hugging you so tight right now, anon!!! 🩷🩷🩷 so sorry you have to go through something like this. I can’t say I know exactly how you feel, because each person experiences this type of pain differently, but I do know it just super sucks when the person who hurts us and the person we want to hate turns out to be the one we love the most. sometimes our hearts can be stubborn just like that (it all would’ve been so easy if we could convince ourselves to stop caring and to being able to fully hate them and moving on, but it’s never that easy, sadly). I can’t tell you what to do or how to react to the pain you feel, but know that your pain is valid and how you feel / how you react / how you cope with that pain, that’s valid too. and you are not weak for being hurt when someone wronged you, especially when it’s someone you trusted. I know this is cliche and is so much easier said than done, but please also be kind to yourself, above anything else. that boy and the girl he cheated on you with, they don’t deserve you. they lost you, not the other way around. think of this as an opportunity for you to open yourself to someone else who truly loves and values you, whether it be romantically or platonically. I know right now you just want him, but if the wrong person can make you love him this bad, imagine how much happier you’ll be when you finally find the right one who can make you love them the same way you loved him, if not more, the only difference is that they won’t break your heart. and you deserve to be happy. that someone is out there, and I truly believe you both will find each other when the time is right. but for now, try loving and being gentle to yourself even if it’s hard (I know it can be hard, but at least give it a try), the best revenge is to prove to them that you don’t need them to be happy and that you can heal from this and thrive without them in your life. doesn’t matter how long it takes, but you will get there one day, and you will look back and be so damn proud of yourself for how far you’ve come. because hey, look at you, you are still here, and for that, I am so damn proud of you!!

it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to be completely broken, because the thing about crying and being broken is that it’s not permanent, even if it feels like it right now.

and by the way, the ones who should feel humiliated are him and that girl, not you. screw it if they deserve each other. YOU deserve so much better than that anyway.

[marshmallowprotection]

you know what kait . after terrorizing you with my lettuce unknown posts, and following you for three billion days. i will. perhaps request a matchup? am very curious

hmm. i'm a guy, not sure about orientation but idc about gender. i am a perfectionist freak and i overthink everything forever (ocd gang rise up). if i could annotate my own thoughts i would...i worry a lot of how others percieve me, even when im self-aware it doesnt matter much.

i'd enjoy having control over my life completely and. i'd feel better if i could control how all situations pan out for me, but sadly thats not usually possible. so i enjoy having small moments where i can decide for myself.. so i enjoy alone time a lot.. deciding where to walk or what store to go to on my own. yknow.

i'm happiest outside, in the sun and the grass. i enjoy just wandering around outside, even if i have no destination. i like painting, drawing, listening to music very loud and playing silly videogames. i really enjoy hugs and pets and what not but i tend to be very closed off according to people, as in, i struggle to share anything too personal so no one knows me that well actually. im. trying to fix that. not very good trait to make friends

anyways. i like cats crows and snails. emo/punk aesthetic. yes. ty. ^^

I match you with...

SE Saeran!

You're the kind of person who values your autonomy. You may not be able to control everything in your life but God you wish you could. Because sometimes when things get way out of control and beyond what you expected, the only thing you want to do is know you're going to be safe no matter what, and seemingly, the thought process in that situation is believing if you had control over yourself you would be able to maintain your composure and survive anything. At your core, the only thing you want to do is try to experience the world for what it is, and even if it's messy, you want to do things your way just to know what it feels like. Individuality is valued more than anything and while it may be a double-edged sword for you at times, it is a powerful trait to have.

Life isn't like that, and while it is unfair, it's nice to have somebody who understands what you're going through. Who else in this world other than SE Saeran could know what that feels like? He's been robbed of his autonomy over and over and over again; It is a nightmare to realize every morning when he wakes up that he's not going to be able to have control over everything he does. He is well aware that he's trapped, even if he's not trapped like before, and one of the only things that would make him feel better in spite of all that would be having you there with him.

The two of you settle into comfortable silence most of the time, hands coiled tightly around each other, and every now and again you share a look of understanding. It's not over the top. It's peaceful. What you and him crave more than anything is a resounding world of peace that allows you to know what it sounds like to lay underneath the clouds and hear the birds chirp freely. Even if the rest of the world doesn't understand either of you, you understand each other and that's enough.

[vlkodddlak]

For shockwave!

15. Does this tf character ever make anything creative (e.g. writing, drawing, sculpturing)? If so, do they show other people what they’ve made?

16. What do you think this tf character’s opinions regarding humankind is?

THANK U FOR ASKING!! your ask game is super cool!!

im gonna go with tfp shockwave cause he's my fave. my version of him isnt that scary and evil he's just kind of a guy who likes to play around with science and engineering, doesnt know basic safety, and is bad at socializing. he's still kind of a cartoon type villain tho

15. ohh he's creative for sure. it's not always that obvious, but i do like to think that shockwave likes to create things for fun sometimes. about 98% of the stuff he works on are projects that will help the decepticon cause, but he does occassionally get a spark of creativity and decides to make something for himself. it's not art in a traditional sense, like poetry, music, etc, but it's enough to count as art (in my opinion)

the 'art' he creates may include stuff like: 1) creating little gadgets that have no practical use, they just look cool

2) playing with chemicals just to get some interesting reaction. like putting some liquids together just cause it makes them change colors in a pretty way or something

3) adding decorative designs to his creations, again, simply for the esthetics

ok ok i know these sound silly, but when you think about the fact that shockwave is a serious, 'logical' character and not someone artsy, these little actions DO count as creative! think about it!!

he NEVER shows others, tho. it's not that he's insecure about his craft, it's simply not something that he wants to share. i wouldnt say that the creative things he does are personal (he probably doesnt see any artistic value in his little projects, it's just for fun after all) but his art comes from feelings and thoughts deep within him that even he doesn't like to admit (like idk... the fact that he can be happy and enjoy something? no one should know that! 😡). basically, he's not comfortable showing his creativity to others, unless it's someone he knows for a long time and absolutely trusts, which isnt a lot of people...sigh hes so weird

16. oh he couldn't care less. like, fr. i mean if the decepticons want to transform Earth and eradicate all life including humans then he'll just... go along with it yknow? his main focus is helping megatron, it's all he really cares about....BUT! i do think that there's a chance he COULD develop some sort of care for humanity? i can't say it confidently, but i do think he would be able to connect with humans through his favorite things - science and technology!

human technology is WAY behind cybertronian one, but shockwave might find himself curious about it! well, to be specific, he would find interest in HOW humans came to their discoveries and research. humans are such a small, young species after all! how come they've done and discovered so much in so little time? (this is all relatively speaking lol)

of course, over time he would be interested in more than just human technology. he would also look into human history, art, language...probably anything regarding humans. if he's focused on something, he is focused A LOT. shockwave human hyperfixation real

eventually his slight interest for human science would turn into fascination and later... appreciation? maybe? it would take him a pretty long time and he would definitely need someone or something (preferably a human friend) to convince him to even look into human stuff, since he doesnt view humanity as anything important from the start... but yea! i like to think that this big purple mf would go from "humans small and weak and stupid and unimportant" to "humans small and weak...and kinda cool"

ahhh i can't believe i wrote so much omg.... embarrassing! 😞😞anyway yea shockwave is my fucking fictional fidget toy, whenever i'm bored i poke him and squish him in my brain

[signs-of-the-moon]

hiya!! im here with some characters n emojis for the interview thingy.. sorry if its alot

Whitestar: 🥛, 🍨, 🍎

Moonpaw: 🍓, 🍯

Mistyleaf: 🍀, 🍵

Hazepaw: 🧁, 🍮, 🥭

also i just wanted to say that im really enjoying reading Moon High, your characters are very interesting <3

Hi there!! Tysm for the ask. And thank you for enjoying the characters in Signs of the Moon! It really means a lot when people take interest in them. They're my lil babies, my blorbos. I always hope that everyone else will think of them that way too <3

Whitestar:

🥛 [MILK] What is your OC's relationship with their biological parents like? What about their relationship with any non-biological parental figures?

Whitestar didn't get to be with her biological parents for very long . She and her sister, Firelily, were born outside the Land's Star to a cat named Sai. She died when the two were very young (maybe a moon or 2 old). Their father, Petalstorm, who was once part of Grassclan, decided to bring his kits back to the place where he was outcasted. (Petalstorm was punished for being with Sai, because he did not introduce her to his leader and medicine cat to get their blessing to take her as a mate. So instead of being treated like a traitor, he left to pursue his love). After ensuring his daughters would be taken care of, he left once more, realizing he liked the life of a rogue better than being a clan cat. So, Whitekit and Firekit were raised by the clan's Den Mother Posytail, and her mate Phesantstripe. Whitestar was very close with her adopted parents, admiring their hard work and dedication to the clan. They'd talk constantly, even long after Whitestar and Firelily had grown up. Posytail was great at giving advice, while Pheasantstripe liked keeping Whitestar sharp with her warrior lessons and battle moves through private practices together. Whitestar was deeply saddened when the two of them died in the Leafbare before Swiftcloud joined the clan. She misses them a lot. Whitestar was also very close with her mentor, Lightstar, who she saw as a third father figure. He was there to reassure her in youth when her peers tried to bully her for being halfclan. Whitestar cared for him so much that she named her daughter after him. 

🍨 [ICE CREAM] How does your OC compose themselves in stressful situations?

Whitestar's the type to try and meditate before acting on anything. She'll discuss the issue with others to ensure she does not make the incorrect decision, because of course she doesn't want to escalate things if it can be helped. In a situation that requires an immediate response, she takes a moment to breathe and think. She focuses on what she needs to say before allowing herself to give a response, and this is how she's usually able to keep up her composure. 

🍎 [RED APPLE] Who does your OC value above all else?

Her clan, of course. Whitestar is a leader, and she needs to make sure all that follow her are safe, well educated, and loyal. Grassclan are like her children, she would do anything for her clanmates. Whitestar also values thoughtfulness. A cat who's able to consider all the possibilities, or figure their way out of a hard situation, can instantly earn Whitestar's respect. 

Moonpaw:

🍓 [STRAWBERRY] How do they feel about 'cute' things?

Moonpaw loves cute things! Little bugs, kits, and baby chicks are some of her favorite things that could be classified as cute. Sometimes when she's sad she'll think about something cute to make her feel better. 

🍯 [HONEY] At what point does someone seem sickly sweet to your OC?

Sunpaw at some point tries to be incredibly sweet towards Moonpaw. Although it's in a bit of a cringey way. He tries to sing to her when they're out on a walk together, and presses his side to hers. He also tries to give her compliments, some of which come out sounding weird. But Moonpaw thinks it's silly. She knows that Sunpaw's flirting with her and trying to gain his affection. She thinks its cute. 

Mistyleaf:

🍀 [FOUR LEAF CLOVER] Would your OC spend hours looking for a four leaf clover?

If she thought it would have a medicinal purpose? She probably would. Mistyleaf is always looking to gather herbs to ensure the clan's health. Especially since her first Leafbare as a grown cat. She never wants to live through something like that again. If she can use finding a four leaf clover as an excuse to spend hours with Swiftcloud, though? She'd definitely do it!

🍵 [GREEN TEA] What's your OC's preferred flavour of tea, if they even drink it?

Mistyleaf would probably enjoy chamomile tea, if she were human.

Hazepaw:

🧁 [CUPCAKE] If you had to describe your OC using flavours, how would you (e.g., 'they're very sweet')?

Hmmm. Hazepaw could probably be described as salty. Or perhaps even something salty with a slightly sweet center. But the salt's mostly overpowering the other flavor

🍮 [CUSTARD] Expensive restaurants or cheap store-brand microwave meals?

Cheap microwave food. Hazepaw's the type to eat half cooked fish sticks from the microwave and cup ramen with barely enough water. Like he prefers it to most other foods. If he were human, obviously

🥭 [MANGO] What colours best represent them and why? Does this differ from their favourites?

Yellow, gray, and dark red I'd say suit Hazepaw nicely. Yellow just feels right. Gray represents how he is morally, both as a character and as a person. While dark red represents the dark side of himself, the part of him that loves to fight, the part filled with anger. Hazepaw doesn't have a favorite color though. Maybe pale green. That's a new development, though

[cepheusgalaxy]

Kaiki

he'd probably be, idk, very laid back and more open. his current Circumstances lead him to restricting a bit

i dont think thos one applies to him

:O (good one!) I always thought about which one hed be: the quiz got Poet for him (i think hes a reluctant one. hed rather be a soldier if he could choose)

36 questions? Lets go:

If he could choose anyone to invite to a dinner, who? Maybe his parents. He misses them, and a civilized interaction could assure everything goes well

Would you like to be famous? Not really.

When you are going to make a phone call, do you rehearse what you're going to say? Why? Sometimes. When he wants to make sure he is leaving no room for interpretation. When he wants to send a message across very well.

How would be a perfect day for you? One where he could chill and go out with his friends and siblings. It'd be hot and he'd have no dysphoria and nobody would talk to gim unless to say nice things.

When did he last sing to himself or someone else? He always sings to himself. Probably 2 hours ago. To someone else? It was probably a good while ago. Maybe to his ex (still deciding if thats canon lore tho)

If you were able to live till your 90's or have the mind of a 30yo in your last 60 years, which would ot be? Live more. He'd love to grow old. I think the idea actually sends hom to tears.

Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die? He actually does. He doesn't think much about it, but if he's to guess, he'd say "murdered" without a second thought.

Name three things you and your partner seem to have in common (n/a coz thats not a conversation as the questions were meant for)

For what in your life do you feel the most grateful? Probably his family. They've been with him during his hardest times (and specially if That Part of his lore ends up canon) even thought sometimes there is sibling beef. He wouldn't wish to have any other family.

If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be? A. Hed be raised as a boy and B. He'd be taught to have no shame about his color ever from a young age instead of late

His life story in four minutes (according to him): "I...hm, I was born the second child in my family, my parents were both teachers and i grew up with my two sisters. i started questioning when i was seven or something and came out at like, nine? that was when i went to live with my aunt. (proceeds to tell specific thing that happened in 5th grade) (proceeds to tell specific thing that happened two years ago) (tells some fun details about himself—pets, details about his house, stuff about his sister)."

If he could wake up tomorrow and have one new quality or ability, whay would he choose? Maybe sing better. Or a specific academic ability, like knowing hard math stuff or better media literacy

If he had a crystal ball that could tell him the truth about something about him or something else, what would he like to know? Many things. Maybe if he is right about (insert light impostor syndrome for whatever he is feeling atm). Maybe if he can have the solution for x (trans thing/life problem/solve bigotry).

Is there something he's dreamed of doing for a long time? Why hasn't he done it yet? Prbably top surgery. Mostly because he isnt of age yet.

What is the greatest acomplishment of his life? Changing his appearence to this one, which he likes now.

What does he value in a friendship? Being able to discuss things. He really values being able to disagree.

(okie im tired let's move on and continue later)

Assuming the truma in question is his hair and feeling unsafe most of the time and enduring transphobia and feeling sick with amatonormativity (hes had some big problems with that).... hmmmmmm (i love that you just assumed he had prob some kind of truma XD) hed be more famboyant i think. hed feel safe most of the time and be more...autenthic.

Fashion wise maybe a little bit, food wise not much (he likes sweets, coffee and spice), music and media wise i think so (he loves musicals)

Leaning more to "live for the plot)

If it's about romantic love, he feels sick just by the thought of it for him. He likes seeing love from afar, like some very specific tropes in tv shows (hes not much a book guy, althought he reads sometimes). If it's about platonic and familial love, he values these things a lot and loves expressing he cares for his loved ones.

Maybe.

His siblings. He still keeps himself at check (seeing if they need anything or if hes going too far) w his friends, but with his sisters? They know each other's boundaries and mannerisms and signs so well he doesn't need to pay special attention all times.

Constipated.

He has an odd interest for cover songs and movie/musical music. He also likes breakup music, or loud party and electronic music if hes feeling it.

He is naturally responsible (*cough cough* two younger sisters) so even if people don't trust him easily they still confide on him. He trusts others kind of easily unless he spots a red flag.

His deepest feelings? He doesn't want to be Macho and feelingless but sometimes it hurts a lot for him. Aside from that, details about his ✨️sex preferences✨️ (hes a sex-neutral ace. sometimes he wants it)

Both, maybe? He has literal golden hair and is a bit grumpy but uhhh i don't think neither

Maybe he'd like me. He'd probably relate and maybe we'd be aqquaintances, friends even. Hes trust me as much as id trust him (which wouldn't be that much)

He is in a urban fantasy setting, but full-on fantasy? Probably. Sci-fi? Hed be pretty doomed, but find a way out. Apocalypse? Hed freak out and like. Mentally unwell-ly so. I think he'd adapt pretty well to a distopy hes not very far from that considering the world we live in

He likes his parents, but resents them. He likes the generation he's in, but maybe would like to be some years in the future in a better and more accepting world. The thought if having bornt a few generatioms back makes him nervous.

He'd wish to make people like him safe, maybe? He's not an activist activist but if he could...

Badly. He was a little disgusted. It was the start of a bad age for him.

Already reponded.

Oh that is a good one. Who? Maybe Tatiana, his older sister, or Simba, the prince. He's trustworthy and safe.

How to get to know your characters better?

(feel free to add your own thoughts to this list, hope it helps!) req by @miricalebabyy44 <3

what will your character be like if they were in your shoes?

is your oc the mom friend or the dad or the childish one in their friendgroup ?

do those "poet, king, soldier" quiz for your oc. im being fr

do the "36 questions to fall in love" quiz as your oc.

ik your ocs trauma have an impact on their character, but how would they be like, if they hadn't gone through that experience?

does your oc have similar tastes as you do? (music, art, fashion, coffee/tea etctetc)

will they "i only live once so I'll do it for the plot." or will they "i only live once ffs, i don't wanna die." ?

what is your ocs opinion of love? how is/was their love life on a scale of 1-10?

will your oc let go of someone precious to them when they know they're putting them at danger?

around whom does your oc lets their guard down?

are they romantically constipated or a hopeless romantic?

what type of music does ur oc like?

write a lot about your oc if you're struggling to get to know them. find a drabble prompt, and write what they'd do.

do they trust others easily or do they get trusted by others easily?

what is something your oc will never talk to anyone about? (their answer can be deep, like some emo trauma or like smthng like back when they shit their pants or smthng yk)

do they give off golden retriever energy, or a black cat energy? (or both?)

what will THEIR opinion be on YOUR current life? will they be ur friend? will they trust you?

will your oc survive in a fantasy setting, a war setting, a dystopian setting, a futuristic setting, a medieval setting? will ur oc survive after getting stranded on an island, or a forest?

does your oc like their parents, do they like how their life is, do they feel like they're born in the right gen?

if they are ever to get one wish definitely granted, what would they wish for?

how did they react to their first kiss? (if they have had it by now lmao)

what's an ideal day for your oc?

lastly, who does your oc go to when they've fucked up?

[foxgirlintestines]

(Abuse mention tw)

hi, thank you so much for taking your time to answer my question, i appreciate a lot. So, i asked because i got abused by this person that i mentioned (they have a history of other 2 sexual abuses), they behave like sex is the main reason for their life and do everything possible to manipulate people around them to have sex with them (i talked to other people that they go out and we discovered that he lies his entire personality diferently to every one of them to be more appealing and to have sex with them, if people don't want to have sex by like the 3rd date maximum, he stops going out). I tought that they could be lying about being trans, even publicaly because they arent attractive as a male and they are kind of an asshole (they assumidly says they have bad intentions on their behaviours), so if sex is everything that matters to them i tought it would be possible for them to take all this effort and risk by becoming trans. I tought that people wouldn't accept much they behavior if they were a cis man. Lgbt alt people are usually more inclusive, and accept people too. They said stuff like that they are cis during the day (what i tought that could mean they just "perform" femininty at night, to hook up), but they take hormones and are openly trans at work so idk what to think... They said they "love his penis so much", is this idea commom to a trans woman? Asking because i really don't know, im agender and i have body disphoria so i tought it was a bit confusing for me to hear that. I know it is really bad to sound like invalidating someone's sexuality and i've never would. Since a lot happened i was intrigued by this especific person and not trans women in general.

This person sounds like they are indeed a trans woman but they have a lot of things going on in their life that negatively affect them, and they might be using sex as an unhealthy coping mechanism. I am not saying lots of sex, being kink/sex positive, and seeking it is bad, but if they are valuing it that highly to the point it is disrupting the possibility of building healthy relationships, that's the point it is going too far. She seems like she may be having it rough somewhere, and it may indeed be due to her dysphoria because as you said she is not attractive. The thing about the penis differs from person to person, there are a lot of trans girls here on Tumblr who are very happy with their cock; even in my case I decided not to get bottom surgery, though in a perfect world I would be able to have both genitalia, but also many people do get gender reassignment surgery for a reason. "Being cis during the day" might be because they do not pass well and so instead of being seen as a failed trans woman (which is something they internalized) they can just be seen as a man which would hurt less and also save them from possible prejudice. It's also possible that they are genderfluid and like to feel masculine at times and feminine at others, or any other reason which is their choice and you should honor that.

However, and this is a big thing that abuse survivors need to understand, no matter how many problems someone has in their life they are not entitled to take it out on others. They can have the shittiest life possible, but they have no right to cause you or others pain for it, and you are under no obligation to endure them. If they're lashing out and abusing others you need to stand firm and show them that behavior is unacceptable and if they continue to act that way you will excise them from your life. If they are likely to confront you with violence, get a group to back you up, and carry a self-defense item like pepper spray or a taser. Abusers try to separate you from friend groups because it is really hard for them to do anything if you have the power to fight back and support to make sure you are safe.

While I like to encourage and support other trans people, there are harmful people in any group, even amongst vulnerable minorities. This person sounds like one of them. You should not disrespect her for being trans, because if she is on HRT and making all the effort to transition, she is definitely not faking it. Use her preferred pronouns, abide by the boundaries she needs with being cis during the day. However, take no shit for her sake, if she wants you in her life she has to treat you in a way that she is welcome near you. Do not go out of your way to accommodate her if it makes you uncomfortable or unsafe, pushing boundaries like that is a way abusers get the hooks in and make you concede your own needs so they have power in the relationship. She needs therapy, she needs healthy coping mechanisms, she does not need you as a punching bag or as a stress toy to manipulate to make herself feel better. Above all, do not let her apologize and absolve herself of her past wrongs without putting in the effort to show that she will treat you better. Respect her gender, but only respect her as a person and her actions when she deserves it. Finally, if you cannot forgive her actions, turn away and never look back. Even if she changes, if those old wounds are still too much then you do not deserve to have them exposed to the one who gave them to you regardless of any reason.

Now anon, I hope you and anyone else who has had similar experiences have learned some things from this one-sided chat, and that you will both not question a person's gender regardless of their behavior, but also that you will keep better company in the future and that even if they are some sort of minority their actions are a reflection of them as a person and not of their minority group.

[rodem]

had an absoutelhy insane dream last night (obviously dreams do not make sense when you actually try to contextualize all the details and what not, so i will try to reformulate a few things to make smore sense in my mind)

the story is abt a lab of scientists, who also do forensic investigation or something? idkexactly what they dd id and it doesnt matter ebcause dreams are not logicall. the main character has like very low self esteem and a history of being bullied/made fun of (both in the past and in the present by like two coworkers.) this all makes him very insecure an d self conscious he feels like he isnt contributing anything to the lab and is just going to continue being in a menial position/possibly be fired for being so useless (i think he and the two other charas i will mention were actually lab assistants, but like idk what the specifcs of that position are i know nothing abt science). the two other major characters are his two childhood friends who work with him in the same position. they are siblings and the dude is a couple years older than the main character and is sister is ether his twin or a few years younger/closer in age to the main character. the main character looks like a twinkie blonde guy with glasses (basically looks like my still in progress oc who is like the exact same chara but a teacher instead of a scientist. star system bullshit i guess). the dude childhood friend is like very huge and bald and intimidating looking. the girl is basic small blonde cute girl looking type. the mc and chfguy were best buddies back in grade school and the dude always had the mc’s back. but since they got older/separated for a bit due to them being in dif places in life, the dude has become very quiet and so they arent as close but still consider eacther friends. though the dude is like a science genius and he keeps coming up with amazing discoveries and research. which eventually earn him a position as a valued core member of the team. bcuz they arent as close as previously along with dude looking big and scary and being very quiet except for like standard greetings, mc is convinced dude now hates him and is doing all this to get mc fired, or at least dimmish his importance even further. mc is also secretly scared of dude now and since he’s really paranoid about dude secretly hating him, he obviously never brings this up to dude and his sister. the sister is the one who actively tries to reach out to him and talk to him more, but also really admires and loves her brother so of course dude can’t tell her what he really thinks abt him know. 

anyway so the mc does some research/tests abt cancer and boldly exclaims that he has found the cure for cancer (mis-representing the results of the tests he actualy did). no one questions him on the validity of his claim as the rest of the lab staff are too excited thinking abt all the fame and publicity it will bring their lab. and they believe mc is now the shoe in for the noble prize (and yes i was watching bobby broccoli’s utube documentaries recently).

at the same time (i think a bit before he starts the lie) something inside mc just snaps and he kills someone. idr who exactly it was but it might of been one of his past bullies or one of the coworkers who belittled him so much. with his scientific knowledge the guy is able to commit a crime without leaving any traces that would lead back to him. he dumps the guy in the nearby river/creek body of water thing. for some reason he decides to himself that theres point of no return now and that he should continue killing ppl. so now our main character is on e a quest to make a name for himself in two ways: in public he will be known as the genius who cured cancer, and in the darkness he will be an anonymous vigilante serial killer, bringing scum who escaped the law to justice!!! (im p sure now tht he kills the person and starts this quest before he started lying abt curing cancer, cause he wouldnt of snapped like that if all his coworkers were praising his Genius.) 

So the mc continues killing ppl and dumping them in the same body of water. eventually the bodies are discovered and this mysterious vigilante assassin is dubbed... “The Killer.” The Killer’s action inspire fear and debate around the city. Meanwhile the lab staff is preparing the mc’s speech for the noble prize. Mc actually has not published his research yet (cause it like doesn’t exist/leads to a widely different conclusion), and is planning to rely the scientific method not until the event where he receives the award himself, for maximum impact!! Other, “less important” lab members are tasked with writing his acceptance speech, with mc giving the go-ahead and saying that hell check it over and edit it himself once he receives it. Since no one else actually knows the process behind curing cancer that mc supposedly discovered, they mostly just write bullshit fluff. 

Soon the light and darkness of mc’s life intersect, when one of his lab higherups is tasked with doing forensic investigation into the remains of The Killer’s victims. So of course, MC begins expanding his victim criteria and kills the higherup too. When a few fellow lab members begin to question mc’s validity, he kills them too and all their bodies are disposed of the same way. 

So now its like the day before the noble prize ceremony (idk how that shit works at all btw), and mc has crafted a good enough fake logic for how to cure cancer that will fool most ppl who dont know abt science/the more lowly lab members. He has killed everyone in the team who he believes would find the holes in his logic and ruin his grand plan... except.... the dude childhood friend, who is very very intelligent. So mc must kill and dispose of the dude before the ceremony the next day. but whats more important than the actual killing to him, i s figuring out where to dispose the body, since it has to be in a way where no evidence/traces to him remain. it cant be a body of water because he knows it will be discovered quickly and he doesn t want this killing to be connected to The Killer. So he decides to burn it. but since the guy is huge he needs to find a place in the middle of nowhere where he cn set off a huge fire without anyone noticing. Guy spends like all day and night wandering the city and nearby places to find a big field in the middle of nowhere. eventually just walking in circles and making no progress. The remaining lab members are all confused and worried abt where mc disappeared to as he should be practicing his speech, so dude is sent to investigate (and also he goes bcuz he is personally very very worried for his friend). i guess they live in a n industrial city but mc is not even trying he s just wandering around the most populous streets. (but supposedly he just never finds the place he is looking for.) mc also may or may not have realized that dude is following and looking for him, and if he did he was trying to avoid him as well. anyway its the dead of the night, or early morning, mc has went the entire day without eating or sleeping. he lets his guard down and is spotted by dude. so he cant keep up the act of trying to pretend he didnt notice him any longer. i think the excuse mc gives dude for why he was gone all day and spen t the entire night pacing around (even going to the next city or state over and walking all the way back) is that he was just really anxious abt the whole thing and needed time to think by himself and walking helps that. anyway dude is like “you need sleep” so the two rent  a room in the nearby high class hotel (the only place fit for a high class scientist who discovered the cure for cancer.) the ornate hotel room comes with a fire place. 

It is only a few hours until the ceremony and mc is so tired he feels like he’s abt to pass out. So at this point he can either 1. get a t least  a few hours of sleep so he’s not completely out of it during the ceremony. and with that means taking the risk that he will be found out by dude and be made into a global disgrace. option 2 is killing him in the hotel room and burning the body in the fireplace.

Also dude and tire d mc have a chat while sitting on the bed together (mc is like resting his head on dude’s thigh he’s that tired.) here dude confesses that he has been in love with mc this entire time, or at least ever since they reunited at th e same job. and also that him being quiet was just due to his personality changing/experiencing hardships that made him believe it was better to not talk much. and also that he assumed that there bond as childhood friend’s was so close that he really only needed to make small talk for mc to understand him. (a case of awful communication all around). this new revelation adds anything layer to the moral dilemma of mc’s choice. 

Thi s dream had like a bad ending and good ending, like video game. (It was more like “cowardly/giving up” ending and “going through wit h everything” one.) The “bad” ending involved mc confessing everything to dude. not just that the whole curing cancer thing being a huge lie, but also that he’s the one behind te killings. The sleepiness makes MC give up everything and allows dude to decide how to deal with him. (whether he brings him to justice/exposes everything or not.) 

in like these kinds of dreams im usually conscious its a dream so if it ends in a bad/scary way i backtrack and think of a better ending. and also it was one of those dreams where i was both an outside observer watching/reading a story and the mc at the same time, so like ending with being exposed and prob going to prison for life was scary for me. The alt/good/true ending has mc stay awake to continue his killing/burning body plan. I think he succeeds in killing him, either by shoving him in the fireplace alive or by killing him b4 through some method and then burning him alive. but its a big dude and the fireplace is very small in comparison and there’s no tools around to chop up the body so idk what happens after. and idk how it ends in gneeral cause i like always wake up right b4 the actual end. 

ANyway, it was another very fucked up dream but ive had way scarier ones tbh (like this one was mostly fine for me cause like the “outside observer” side was more than the “I’m in the place of the mc” side when its usually the opposite I feel like.) . And with alot of editing/adding and changing things i think this could make an interesting suspense story. 

[corvidexoskeleton]

This probably wouldn't happen but it's funny to imagine Gage being worried about Hector plotting something when he finds out about him and Darryl - Just like Hector was worried about Gage and Butch replacing him. Gage knows Hector a) is very ride or die when it comes to people close to him and b) is easily influenced by people with strong opinions and unfaltering morals. And who knows which Hector would value more - friends or romantic partners?

Nah, I think you're right, Butch wouldn't really be that worried. They worked with her enough before all the raider business, and even more with the Kellogg business, that they trust her. They might be worried about his being with her making him reconsider trying to get out of his position as overboss (again), but by the time this would even come up, I'm sure Hector would have long past adjusted to the role and realized that it actually kinda kicks ass. Plus, they know how much he cares about and values Gage, so even if the two have conflicting ideas of where they want the raiders to go, they still both want it to work out in the end

Though I'm not entirely sure what Gage would be more worried about: Hector suddenly deciding he might not want to keep being overboss after all, or Darryl using her newfound influence over him to manipulate the nuka raiders in directions that benefit her and the minutemen/institute more

But he would also already be in a well established relationship himself with Butch, which means that any doubts or concerns he might have would most likely be addressed early on by them. Like, Gage would start to have doubts, which he would then tell to Butch, and since they aren't that worried about the situation, they would be able to talk through their reasoning with him and hopefully help dispell some of said doubts. It's yet another lesson in trust for him, but I'm sure he can get through it

[alvie-pines]

i see your tags asking for disabled fans' thoughts on this scene and thought i'd give my two cents.

i havent lost a limb like silver, but i do use a mobility aid and have chronic pain and joint problems that make working even part-time in a typical entry-level job difficult and unbearably painful at best, impossible at worst.

you are absolutely right that his disability cuts him off from other paths. even though he becomes very nimble on his crutch later on, and owns multiple mobility aids, disabled people are just not very desirable employees. we have Needs, you see. and no boss wants to invest in a stranger who needs something from them. silver still needs access to mobility aids, treatment for his still-healing leg, and accommodations like the ropes he holds onto on the ship.

the crew of the Walrus are willing to give him these things because he has their trust and loyalty. but he earned that when he was abled. he cant just walk out of there and start over with others; they won't see a clever young man with valuable skills. they will see a cr*pple, and they wont give him that chance.

silver is a character who is terrified of losing his apparent 'value'. flint kept him alive because he had value, multiple times over. having apparent value was what allowed him to survive his ship being taken by flint's crew. and when he feared flint would kill him, he secured his safety by making himself valuable. and when he felt unsafe, he made sure the men saw him as valuable.

to silver, being deemed 'too much work' or 'not worth what you put in' is death.

and honestly? silver's situation is a bit more extreme, but i think it reflects the fears that a lot of disabled people have--especially those of us unable to work. we know that our disability means we've lost part of our 'value'--to the workforce, to society, to the world. we often rely on aid--whether that's accommodations, aid from the government, hired help, or help from friends--and we're all waiting for the day someone will decide that we're not worth it.

currently, im living comfortably because my grandparents think it worthwhile to feed and house me. but they have been clear that they want me to work. i worry that there will come a day when they decide i am not trying hard enough, or i am too much work, and i wont have that security anymore. i worry that my SSI application will be denied because keeping me alive is too costly for my government. i worry that my options in life are limited by my disability.

so i understand silver's fears. its a quintessential disabled fear--i cant make it on my own. will the people taking care of me today do the same tomorrow, and the next day, and the next, on and on until we both end?

dependence is terrifying when independence is not an option.

Going mad over Silver being told “The crew will look after you” in the final episode of season two as the crew’s surgeon is about to cut off his leg despite Silver’s repeated pleas that he doesn’t want him to, and part of it may be due to the unbearable pain he’s in, but I don’t think that’s all of it.

Randall died one episode ago. When Billy introduced Silver to him at the beginning of season one, he said that Randall had been injured while in service of this crew and that the crew owed it to him to take care of him despite his infirmity — because of his infirmity. As a disabled man, Randall has no future outside Flint’s crew in the harsh world they live in.

Silver knows this. As we approach the end of season two, he’s slowly becoming a true member of the crew, “I” becomes “we” and “the men” becomes “my men” or “my brothers,” but he can still walk away from them if he chooses to do so. By cutting off his leg, even with the best intentions in the world, the crew is tying him to them more securely than any contract or blood pact to these men and — for the time being — to Flint’s captaincy. His very ability to walk away from them is literally being limited, which we see in the beginning of season three as he struggles with his new wooden leg.

Silver has gained the infinite loyalty of these men at the price of his leg and maybe even of his independence — he can still leave them and try his luck elsewhere, he knows how to make himself useful, but no matter how charismatic he is, the first thing people will probably always see is his wooden leg. He has become Randall. Despite being in the throes of immense pain, I think Silver realized what he was about to lose. Even if a part of him had still been entertaining the possibility that this was just a temporary situation, from this point on, he has no choice but to serve these men to the best of his ability because now they’re in a symbiotic relationship.

It’s a very grim answer to the question his entire season two arc is asking: where does he belong? What is his place in the world? In the end, he who held most of the cards in his hands at one point is not being given a choice: he’s staying here, with this crew, echoing the question Flint asked him earlier in the season — where else in the world would you wake up and matter like this? It’s the only place left in the world where he can matter now. The infinite possibilities have collapsed down to one. The man who wanted everything, who could be anyone, is now forced into a single role and can only play it genuinely.

[mikami]

hey there!!! i was thinking lately about the possibility of misa's way of perhaps relying on her cutesy/pretty/sexy aspect as a conscious or unconscious act of survival.

we know about the concrete traumatizing life changing experiences she's lived through. i wonder how safe it is to especulate what else she has gone through as a young woman who is a model.

& im curious abt your understanding of this aspect of her-- how do you think the way she presents herself to the world & others (both in personality & appearance) relates to her job? to the construction of the self as a product of consumption (especially w like i said, misa being a woman)?

does misa perform these things as a way to neutralize the harm of violence at the hands of men?

I'm not sure I would call it 'survival' exactly, but oh my god, Misa and gender performance is such an interesting topic.

I personally wouldn't headcanon further active violence into her backstory than we have been shown - I feel that if we're shown a characters formative traumatic experience (family death, stalking) that it's to give us a fairly complete picture of their life and motivations.

But at the same time, society is full of what I will now arbitrarily call 'passive violence' in the way women are put at a disadvantage. And definitely, her whole cutesy persona is in dialogue with that hostile world, navigating it and taking advantage of it.

I think Misa is an interesting case, because she is somebody who both entirely internalized gender roles for herself unquestioned and is deeply aware of how being perceived as a woman hinders or helps her in any given situation.

Like, on the one hand Misa is sexist society's wet dream. She is somebody who very sincerely believes that her place and fulfillment as a woman is at the side of a prince charming. She is completely convinced that her purpose lies in a relationship with a man.

Even though she's not the 'good wife' stereotype due to being a fashion subculture kind of girl (see: the Yagami parents' disdain of her), she's still holding these values close to her heart.

On the other hand, the way she weaponizes the perception people have of her is immediately front and center in her intro scene.

The VIZ translation here drives me mildly insane because the Japanese term she uses to describe herself here is "純粋な子" which in this context should roughly translate to 'pure young woman'.

It's not "Kira is nice to his supporters" but more along the line of "Kira is nice to good little girls". Misa knows she seems harmless on first sight. She knows her existence as a pretty frail teenage girl makes her an object of protective instinct to most men. But at the same time she juxtaposes it with the knowledge that she isn't just what she seems - as much as she adores Kira, she is perfectly confident that on the Death Note user power scale she's higher up.

Misa is fully aware that as an idol, she's a product to be sold. And that is where she personally finds her power - she doesn't protest female stereotypes and prejudice, she acts within those parameters to grab power from men unnoticed.

We see this most in her interactions with the Yotsuba Group, particularly Higuchi. Misa is aware she is desirable and she weaponizes that desirability against him. Presenting as cute, naive, soft and thoroughly attractive gives her power of manipulation. It is the capital she is used to bargaining with at all times.

In response to a world that is predisposed to take her less seriously because she's a dainty pretty girl, Misa has decided to intentionally curate that exact reputation for herself - only to then be able to use it to get her way. She's cute because men who want to get into her pants will do her favors. She's cute because how could anyone be mad at such a cute young woman acting selfishly?

I feel like we see that in her body language with Light - when he doesn't react as expected to her coming to see him against his wishes, she doubles down on the sweet body language and the "teehee, I am just an emotional little girl, you can't be mad at my pure lovey dovey feelings" act.

It's a neat mix because on the one hand: she clearly believes this about herself. She genuinely does think being a cute lovey dovey girl is her biggest purpose on this Earth. She genuinely enjoys being an attractive young woman (we see her dress up and act cutesy when she is by herself in her apartment after all). This is the self that she sincerely wants for herself.

But on the other hand she is so clearly aware of its impact. Her status as a product to be consumed is a constant bargaining chip.

Most heartbreakingly and extremely seen in the time after she loses her memories of being Kira and desperately attempts to buy her freedom by promising parts of herself to the assumed stalker.

Less heartbreakingly and more girlboss-y in interaction with the Yotsuba Eight, as mentioned before:

Self-objectification is an active practice of subverting power to Misa - exercising power without being seen as powerful and thus escaping the watchful eyes of those who could feel threatened by her.