#im not saying ive been doing this for 12 hours... but actually its been longer than 12

[adhdvane]

why do i insist on doing like 90% of the mat grinding in one sitting :)

[thewickerking]

mutual 1: WDYM none of you have heard explosion gun ???? theyre from the 1930s, sure but they literally made the best song ever [long title or series of numbers that have no meaning]

mutual 2: hey guys can you fill out this survey for my class? its about 15 minutes and it would mean a lot!! i love you

mutual 3: ughhhhh can this guy stop flirting with me? i told him to kill himself after he said [horrifically racist sentence] and he hasnt gotten the hint

mutual 4: im liveblogging a game from 12 years ago if you dont want spoilers im tagging my posts about it as #plwm3 liveblog !!

mutual 5: [poll] should i brutally murder this oc before or after he gets divorced

mutual 6: ok I knowwww im learning 6 languages rn but it would be so fun to learn russian.....

mutual 7: what do you mean you freaks dont dip your bananas in orange juice??? This is literally so normal why are you call me the weird one

mutual 8: just finished meeting up with mutual 9 irl it was so fun im gonna miss you now that you're home again </3

mutual 9: mutual 8 locked me in a basement for 4 hours and played clown music. i wish i couldve stayed longer

mutual 10: OMG THE NEW TRAILER FOR BRIMBLUS JUST DROPPED?????? EVERYONEEE LOOOOOOOK

mutual 11: my dad got me a milkshake breakdown cancelled everyone 🎉🎉

mutual 12: this post reminds me of *******

mutual 13: mutual ^ is talking about scorblo btw

mutual 12: HEY???? MUTUAL 13???? CAN YOU KILL YOURSELF????

mutual 14: [describes the most horrific repeated childhood trauma] but idk if im allowed to say i have mental illness cause im not diagnosed

mutual 15: guys do you think im more blue or purple coded :3

mutual 16: in response to all the transformers fandom callout calling me lesbophobic and racist: [ten paragraphs that make it clear they're clearly the only normal person in this scenario]

mutual 17: wait you guys are actually going to pumpkin patches? i thought those were made up ive never seen a pumpkin irl before...

mutual 18: guys can anybody see me. Please. No one's responding am I shadowbanned or do you all hate me [they're shadowbanned]

mutual 19: ugh this one customer keeps brutally murdering our servers at the restaurant i work at i wanna quit sooo bad but i might get promoted soon so idk

mutual 20: [reblogs a web weaving post about judas] UGH i need to fuck him sloppy style and **** ****** ***** **** *** ***

mutual 21: spam reblogs a genshin character

mutual 22: [screenshot of mutual 21s blog with filtered tags of the characters] you're lucky i care about you so much.

mutual 23: i think im losing my grip on reality. omg wait but look at this cute dog i saw walking home the other day

mutual 24: hi everyone! i just got back from a 6 month social media break :) hope everyones been doing well!

[qumiiiquinnquin]

this family very much does not understand mental health, but i cant talk to them to educate and be able to talk to them about what is wrong, without them always getting frustrated at me or demanding an answer as to what i want them to do. i often get shot down or my answer isn't good enough for them. they've accused me of using anxiety and depression as excuses to act shitty, which is not true. ive explained my problems to my sibling numerous times only for them to snap back at me and they refuse to read what i wrote. every time, it is up to me to apologize for displaying symptoms, though i cant phrase it like that, but rather apologize for "how i acted." my dad does not want me to say i have anxiety and depression because self-diagnosis is bad. he has yelled at me and been physical with me during multiple depressive episodes or anxiety attacks.

i cannot say i was abused or have trauma either. just, people werent very great, thats all i can say, but i cant talk about those that hurt me too much because "they're family" and "they loved you." my mom did not care about my sa story, responding to it with "that happens" and moved on to talk about her own trauma. i hadn't told anyone but her in my family about the incident and i do not want to. in 2021 she stopped me from talking to her about the abuse from my nana because "its not nice to talk about people behind their backs." even though my dad has since apologized and stopped when i was 12, my dad's yelling and spanking since we were little made me nervous to accidentally set him off. i dont know if im wrong to feel that way about spanking, but he intentionally would do it very hard and my sibling and i would feel pain for several hours or longer. but since he feels guilty about it, we aren't allowed to call it abuse and i cannot say it caused me trauma. this same situation gets applied with my stepdad who has yelled at us for numerous things. and, of course there is what my nana and "aunt" have done.

apparently, this same lack of understanding and ignorance of mental health was present when my parents were still married, where my dad did not know much about bipolar disorder, which my mom has, but would not listen to my mom or try to understand.

my grandma seems to be the only person i can talk to and actually understands and cares about mental health.

i want to be able to tell my family whats going on. they're my family. i do not want to separate from them both physically and emotionally. i genuinely feel at a loss.

[dakotafoxandtheobstacles]

12/30/23

As we approach new years eve i can't help but reflect. Allison i don't think you know the damage that you did that day. Like you cannot just chalk it up to you being a coward. What you did was so incredibly selfish and hurtful i don't think ill ever understand it. You lied straight to my face while we were together. And then you gave yourself an hour to draft a text talking about "its not you its me" when everything you said over the phone, and discord, and through text and when we were together was saying the exact opposite. I will never fucking understand why you did what you did and more so I don't understand how someone can fucking do that. I didn't even have the chance to process it because i was just so fucking hurt by it.

At 26.5 years old, I have been hurt in countless ways; for my academic hoes, my ACEs score is 5. I have been fucking abandoned and discarded like trash in more ways than i can count to the point where it no longer feels like a coincidence it just feels like this is what is meant to happen to me. Based on the patterns I am the variable that is not meant to be loved. I am simply a tool for others to use to figure out what they really want. And what they want is never me. I don't think it is ever going to be me. I think I am just going to keep getting left behind and dropped. Again and again and again.

Sam, Ally, Allison, Keith, Fred, Moms, Dad:

You have all hurt me in each unique way. I am so fucking angry at all of you. I am so angry because each of you have contributed to all the reasons and ways that I hate myself. Having what has happened to me over and over and over again leads me to believe that these situations and feelings will never stop happening to me. I feel like there must be something so wrong with me for things like this to keep happening. I really don't understand what I did wrong or what is inherently wrong with me. I don't get it.

I am trying so hard to get better but this time of year the guilt i feel for simply existing is fucking overwhelming. I feel so guilty for everything I have done or been involved in. I feel like all I do is poison everything I touch and that people should keep their distance from me because of that. I can't help but feel that in addition to being born wrong I guess I have had herpes for over a year now and every day i feel more disgusted with myself. Every person im attracted to im terrified to get too close to because I will tell them about the herpes and they will never want to touch me or have me touch them. And the ones that would like colin was looking for an exit strategy the whole time.

I think it might be impossible for people to love me. Allison made it clear she was incapable of it. Ally tried to twist me into something more appealing to her. Sam ruined me, without even warning me of the possibility and then ghosted me like the 6 months we were fucking weekly meant nothing at all. Colin, Peyton, Abby, Anna, and more who ive wiped from my memory all were just with me until they could be with someone they actually wanted to be with. Peyton didn't even bother to hide it from me.

And I am so angry at my parents for introducing all of these thoughts and behavioral patterns to me in the first place. What the fuck is wrong with yall. none of you should have been parents until you treated your own shit because now i have to pick up the pieces and foot tooth and nail to make sure i don't fucking kill myself. its not fucking fair i did not fucking ask for this and now i have to deal with it. i am so fucking mad. Why did u guys do that i don't get it. Jen always took better care of casey than she did me. she was never emotionally there for me especially when i needed her to be. bonny fucking groomed me and probably abused me. and my dad never wanted me in the first place.

really im just so fucking tired of feeling like i am going to be abandoned at any time because i dont deserve anything but myself.

and i'm supposed to try to heal while there is a fucking genocide being paid for with my tax dollars???? War criminals get free health care but I fucking dont????? fuck u fuck everyone its all a bunch of bullshit i fucking hate this world and my self so like what the fuck is left honestly.

[namuneulbo]

week one hundred and nine

ive decided im gonna add the title bff to l for a bit now so its easier to tell apart my bff l from my talking stage l lol.

all i remember from monday was that n made me pick my fav trigun character. apparently im wolfwood lovercoded so she was happy i picked him.

tuesday was my high school grad! i wore a big white button-up as a dress w a black tie and my cowprint heels. i liked the outfit a lot!

the ceremony was wayyy longer than anticipated. afterwards my mom took some real awkward pictures of me. later we went for food, we were gonna get mexican but ended up going to this asian fusion place that turned out to be shit TT

we walked through some stores afterwards and then sat at a café for a bit before i had to leave to catch my piercing appointment. i got my right lobe and my belly pierced!! it hurt less than i expected it too which was nice. i got pretty anxious afterwards though bc i thought my ear would heal like shit bc of how close it seemed to the other piercing but its fine now lol.

wednesday we (me, i, bff l and c) hung at bass place and watched the annual president ball hand shaking thing. my old drum teacher was there??? i devoured some cucumber w dip and then i was nice enough to drive us to the music quiz. me and bff l ended up joining l and a. they played hash pipe by weezer right as we joined them which i got really excited ab!!!

i had an oral exam on thursday and i was so terrified ab it. me and d hadnt practiced beforehand but we ended up passing and i think our convo still ended up quite good. the criticism i received afterwards was ab how i said "이 아침" and "이 밤" instead of "오늘 아침" and "오늘 밤". its all good though, ended up getting an a on it so :D

friday i went to a second-hand shop to look for clothes but i had forgot that the one i went to doesnt sell clothes so i ended up looking and cds for a bit. i found born this way on cd and snapped l like "omg lol should i buy it?" but he didnt answer until i had left so i had just kind of left it behind bc i didnt think it was worth it but then later when he answered he was all like "OMG NOOO U SHOULDVE GOTTEN IT SO WE CAN MATCH" TT. so, on saturday when i went out to go thrifting, i stopped by that shop again and got it.

on friday evening me and l watched the perks of being a wallflower. i really liked it and the soundtrack was so good. its one of his favorite movies and i had either way been planning to watch it. he asked me actually last week if i wanted to watch it together w him but we ended up not doing it but i was glad he still remembered on friday.

btw we exchanged twitter on friday. i had to delete all my tweets ab him beforehand so ended up leaving him on delivered for like an hour TT sorry, pookie, im just embarrassed if u see all the tweets ab u of me going "HES SO HOT HE JUST SENT ME SUCH A CUTE PICTURE OF HIS OUTFIT OMG HES SO-."

after buying the cd on saturday i went to one other shop and there i got an anklet and a flannel. i wouldve gone to a third one but it was closed. i wouldve gone today instead buttttttt it closes so early. it closes and 4 pm and i woke up at 12 pm and spent a good... two hours (?) getting ready and the stores quite far away and its massive so i dont think id be able to look through it in time TT maybe im just making excuses.

l and i didnt really talk yesterday, only like... three snaps each and some tiktoks. he was out on bereal yesterday though so im assuming he was just busy and also its good to not,, feel like u constantly HAVE to talk to keep it going, yk? im working a lot on my anxious attachment and its actually gotten way better over just the past few weeks id say bc im starting to really feel like the feelings are thoroughly mutual. with that said... i do hope we talk more today lol. i love talking to him.

sotw: weezer - hash pipe

[parismemes]

THINGS I’VE SAID ON DISCORD (OCTOBER EDITION) AS SENTENCE STARTERS.

“tell me everythng.” “HEHEHEHEHEHEHE” “i have read every single one of them and do not intend to stop” “i on principle only like songs that go hard” “I DIDNT THINK IT WAS GOING TO BE THAT SAD WHAT THE FUCK” “heehoo. water boy.” “why i always sleep through this shit i hate it here” “gacha games count as gambling” “im also there. im laughing” “u r doing so much math and im just like hehe money” “what the fuck what the fuck NOOO what the fuck im dfgjhhfjgdhjfgkjdkghjd” “what a traumatic backstory” “I CAN SEE YOU READING MY MESSAGES IM GONAN GET FINESSED OUT THE FUCKIN WINDOW“ “THAT’S not good!” “if hes a fraid of dogs that sounds like a him problem” “i honestly deserve recognition for the absolute shit i just pulled off” “YES FUCK YEAH YEAH YEAH HELL YEAH FUCK YEAH HELL FUCKIN YEAH WOOOOOOOOO YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!” “why the fuck would you want that” “yeah hes my only one true love” “by a few i of course mean like 600″ “no one fucking appreciate me” “thank you ___ for being the only person who appreciate me” “i reveal it in pieces and make you put it together like a puzzle” “im smart and never regret it“ “see, i just dont think thats right” “i will continue dangling it in front of your face like a scientist dangling bait in front of a fish (who is also in a maze)” “hes actually like an absolute fucking nerd a complete fool a fucking dumbass” “sorry your message glitched and i cannot read. anyway back to my leverage over you which is forcing you into a corner,” “it's not extortion because i don't know what extortion means” “why do they talk like exes. its because they are exes” “TIME SENSITIVE QUESTION PLEASE RESPOND” “he's a content creator he'll be fine” “what does this mean? but yes” “NICE NICE NNICE NICE NICE NICE NICE NICE NICE NICE NICE” “for future record ___ just used the word poggers” “look at all these fuckin blondes” “its only been like a week and a half at most” “hes doing it out of affection” “ISNT THIS THE FUNNIEST SHIT YOUVE EVER SEEN” “you are terrible and also the worst” “i was going to send it at midnight but i got distracted trying to figure out the most barebones way to say happy birthday without sounding weird” “do you think i get punished more or less if i do sins” “i dont think the sins count as extra points if you commit them on the way to hell” “run over pedestrians” “i am slowly descending into insanity today, as a hobby” “you are a shit boy. a little shit boy go eat boxes“ “it's ok. we can figure it out later” “i didnt notice at first but it is in fact All The Fuck Over” “ITS BEEN OVER 12 HOURS” “hey guys just turns out we might have a ✨ gas leak ✨” “im sure if we put our braincells together we can figure SOMETHING out” “curious georg” “thank god. i could and would have argued this for several hours” “i think the worst thing ive heard today is someone calling the movie enchanted a reverse isekai” “i should not and will not stop” “i was RIGHT AHHAHAHAHAHAGAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA” “that wasnt a question you read it wrong” “i have no idea who this is but that wont stop me” “THIS MAN REALLY SAID HEAD EMPTY WHAT IS MONEY” “sometimes i say things and its best to just pretend you know what i mean” “WOT THIS” “I DONT WANT PEE ON MY BED“ “tired of all these stupid fuckin plants” “could you even really consider jelly filled donuts donuts?” “actually everything is real” “if you eat cereal for dinner, you're not having fucking breakfast” “i think my in real life superpower is that i have freakishly fast metabolism” “i dont care if you are evil you are MY TYPE” “you dirty criminal” “is a dessert item a dessert if it isn't eaten after dinner? discuss” “ok im done for the Right Now” “found a concerning orb. in the sky.” “HOW DID YOU KILL THEM” “why do i do this to myself why do i keep doing this” “the only simp here is me” “I No Longer Wish To Know!“ “DID THEY JUST END AN ENTIRE SPECIES” “WE ARE DETERMINED” “this is also really funny by virtue of the fact that these people are all fucking british” “they throw rocks at me and say we want the himbo” “THE CONTEXT IS IMPORTANT HERE” “its something that i SPECIFICALLY am passionate about” “hanburnger?” “thats just what living with siblings is like” “howd she get there? fuckin beats me dude idk” “i remember everything i am like a shark with an abnormally good memory” “i am sorry that you are predictable” “Hey Guys, Just Checkiing In To Make Sure You Got My Joke, Just Making Sure, I Just Wanted To Check In And See If You Got The Joke, Because I Was Afraid You Wouldnt Get It, So Im Just Checking In,” “i marked your worm” “what are you gonna do. unsend whatever you send me? i am Shaking in my fuzzy socks rn” “you Know i hate the idea of being wrong” “You Did Not Need To Stroke His Ego” “i am too stupid to live and if i was not vaccinated my genes would have no chance of being passed on because i would be dead” “~the oldest anarchy server in minecraft history~” “am i shaking because of adrenaline or rage.... who can tell” “I HAVE SO MUCH ADRENALINE IN ME BUT ITS 1 AM IN THE MORNING” “jokes on u i fucking HATE ___ i think hes the worst” “JUST IMPULSE MADE BROWNIES AT 9 PM HEYOOOO” “cry about it more bitch boy maybe piss your pants while ur at it” “im getting so casually toxic back to toxic gamer boys” “itll be fiiiiiine” “we are all stupid mice who take turns being the piper” “queen of bargains is me i am the queen of bargaining and scoring deals” “its not TECHNICALLY a direct threat but also yes it is” “i see a demon i go possess me then bitch boy u wont” “AAAA THE FUCKIN VIIIIBES” “IM NOT GOING TO STOP BEING MAD ABOUT IT”

[rydeszegras]

get lost in wonderland - m.boldy

hey guys !! this is the first fic of my wonder series, im not sure if its gonna be any good as im still new to this whole writing thing and im not that good at it yet. (feel leave me some tips if you dont mind !!) but i hope you enjoy !

boldy x reader

inspo: intro - shawn mendes

wc: 1,088

warnings: nothing bad, just a whole lotta fluff :))

—

it was a chilly saturday morning in boston and you were cuddled up on your couch drinking your coffee and watching your favorite christmas movie when you recieved a text from your best friend, matt. matt had been your best friend since as long as you can remember, you both grew up together in millis and were inseparable since the day you met. it was tough for you guys to go to separate schools for the first time in your life, but bu and bc were only 10 mins apart so it was easy to make do with.

at around 10:30 you had just gotten out of the shower and were drying your hair when you recieved a text from your best friend

-

matthew boldy:)

10:32am - hey im picking you up at 11:15 be ready

you

10:32am - where are we going?

matthew boldy:)

10:34am - you’ll see, just be ready to go and make sure to dress warm;)

-

okay, you thought, so its gonna be outside, so you prepared yourself to get ready for the day. you slipped on your favorite pair of lulus, some fuzzy socks, and then threw on the bc hoodie that matt had given you the last time you hung out. nobody knew this, at least you thought, but you had been in love with matt for as long as you could remember but knew he could never feel the same way. you werent the skinniest and you werent blonde which you were okay with, but you knew wasnt the type of girl that matt liked.

eventually 11:15 rolled around and matt showed up right on time knocking at your door, you threw on your patagonia parka and slipped on your ccm hat before letting matt in. as you opened the door, you saw matt standing there with the biggest bouquet of yellow roses you had ever seen wearing the biggest smile in the world, one youve never ever seen before

“hey beautiful are you ready to go?” matt says while handing you the bouquet of flowers. you nod your head with a smile as you grabbed the bouquet and placed them in the vase sitting on the counter. it wasnt abnormal for him to call you beautiful, it was something he said to you that you figured meant nothing and you brushed it off as usual. the only difference was the flowers he gave you, matt wasnt really one for sappy stuff, but you assumed he was just being nice as he knew you had a rough week.

matt had told you he had four special spots for you that day and it was a quick 5 minute drive to spot number one, caffè nero, which was your favorite coffee shop. “you can order whatever you want gorgeous, im paying.”

gorgeous? did he just call me gorgeous? you thought to yourself, beautiful was one thing, but gorgeous? you hadnt heard that one before, but you brushed it off as always and headed to the counter to place your order.

“hi can i get a y/f/d and a y/f/f please?” the cashier nods their head and you go to pick a table a few minutes before your order was ready. when they called your name matt quickly beat you up to go get your food.

when matt returned to he table you knew you had to ask him some questions. “so matt what is all this about, this isnt like you.” you said. “well i feel like youve been down lately so i thought you deserved to have a special day with some of your favorite things” matt replied while you responded with a soft smile before sipping your drink.

after you finished your food you headed out to the car and drove another 12 minutes to the boston harborwalk, the harborwalk was your favorite place in the winter, especially when it was snowing. matt knew this and it was his favorite place in the world too because he loved seeing your smile everytime you watched the snow fall, or when you saw the puppies run by, and even when you smiled the 500x matt almost slipped, walking a little bit further you reached stop number 3.

yankee lobster. an unnecessarily expensive amazing food place, and once again matt wouldnt let you pay. you spent at least three hours there discussing everything about your lives and eating your all you can eat lobster plates and it was incredible, you sat against the window and watched the snow fall while you just stared at his gorgeous blue eyes paying little attention to anything he was actually saying.

eventually you both finished your food and were off to the next location. now this location wasn’t necessarily your favorite location in the world, but it was matts and he was destined to make it your favorite place too. matt didnt know how this was gonna go, in all honesty this stop made him more nervous than he had ever been. you were slightly confused as you pulled into the parking lot of the conte forum, but matt didnt let you ask any questions as he grabbed your hand as you approached the entrance of the arena looking back at you and smiling.

you approached an awkward set of stairs that lead you up to the rafters. “this isnt the prettiest place in the world but its definitely my favorite place, being able to look over at the rink and see every little aspect of it is amazing and i needed to share it with my favorite girl in the world” he said, and you smiled in response not knowing where he was going with this. “y/n i know you dont feel the same but i cant keep going without you knowing the truth. ive been in love with you since as long as i can remember and i cant keep holding it in any longer.”

wow. did he just say that. hes really. there is no way

“are you serious?” you asked as matt responded,“more than anything ive ever been serious about before.” you hesitated at first, but knew he was serious and there was nothing standing in your way. “i love you too matthew boldy, more than anything in the world,” and it took absolutely no time for matt to pull you into the most hearfelt kiss you had ever recieved.

“this is my wonderland y/n” matt said pulling back slightly with a smile, “and theres nobody id rather get lost in it with.”

[luminous-shifting-vibes]

*sequel* to actual fucking quotes from the shiftblr coffeehouse discord server

once again, it's out of context because x1000 funnier

also x1000 longer than previous post

"ur satan is gnc af"

"Bestie I’m already having gender envy over a fucking demon please"

"O_O ODEPIJHFbavevisdpvfhzdcnjawedsidjksjdkoeirjfmkdsoeirujdksodifjndmksoidfjdksidfj ITS" NOT IN MY FRAFTS IS SPEDNT 1 hour PN THAT SHIT"

"AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

"ohoho sexy"

"I am very proud of myself"

"himbo x edgy fuck"

"YOU COULD SQUISH HES CHEECKS"

"he has teefs"

"SQUASH"

"good for biting 📷"

"he's a himbo basically"

"B͂̒̄iͫ̍̈tͧ̓ͯè̄̇"

"bifth"

"i havent watched blue exorcist in years but mr okumura my beloved </3"

"MY LIFE QUESTIONS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED"

"is it important information to mention that the person i put up for my turn is the son of satan" "I know like 1 thing about everyone who isnt ranboo lmfao"

"crimes"

"tumblr sexyman"

"idk why but my first thought was cowboy onceler"

"I vibe with him but he is very long and twisty"

"steampunk e-girl"

"steampunk tumblr sexyman"

"Canonically bi crimelord I agree!!"

"OOO FRIEND SHAPED"

"ARTIST SIGHTED"

"they look like someone i would want to be friends with but is way cooler than me so i'd never actually talk to them"

"babby..... would die for him"

"honestly i probably kin him"

"i'm sure he's lovely but he looks way too much like my ex i'm sorry-"

"i'd be down for another rotation! i have another twink to show y'all"

"Also :00 blonde friend"

"Let us all infodhmo"

"Hsjagdvbs shhh im on phone"

"Nix woukd you like to joon?

"skitters away"

"I have two braincells and they both drink dumb bitch juice"

"oof wait whats the order again i have 0 memory"

"i want to bond with him over cosplay-"

"Awkwardly watches in band kid"

"One day I'm gonna a broadway star"

"which isnt to say they were bad. they were just fortnite dancing during rehersals"

"I threw it so hard my glasses flew off and slid under the stage right divider"

"anyway heres my boi"

"emo"

"haha emo"

"virgil sanders kinnie"

"he looks like he listens to my chemical panic at the fallout boy"

"Bro I bet he'd kick my ass with his deck"

"bird man my beloved"

"fuck i had so much to say and then i forgot it all"

"Birds!!"

"guiguhuh"

"crabrave"

"She sounds like someone I would end up stealing her personality"

"yess name collector gang"

"alias glass aiden haven absinthe fish brick rice"

"But I have Cypress, Remure, Genesis, Lemres, and Comet"

"And she's named after a mars candy bar bc alien"

"Hey, if plato went by plato, you can be king thief"

"im not dissing my gramma like that shfojd"

"My dad has seven legal names" "bitches be like *looks at fictional character* *steals their name* it's us we're bithces"

"coraline lowkey traumatized me but i adore it regardless"

"mmmmmm magic man :]"

"°0° green man"

"criminal (affectionate)"

"he would shoplift a candy bar from walmart and then brag to all of his friends about the sick stealing he did"

"despite the fact he's canonically been capable of overpowering a minor deity"

"i would commit so many crimes for him"

"Very babey"

"Yes please tell green man he is very pog"

"he also keeps a lot of dumb secrets"

"but I will sorely miss the chaos and energy of this here chat until I wake again" (by request XD)

"i just say words and if they're funny then they're funny"

"* or extremly chaotic either works"

"at this point we are just taking turns rambling"

"oH--"

"bc my brain has a schedule"

"Hopefully they have gyoza there or I will lose my mind"

"hehe yes spooky man"

"my ghost glucose guardian"

"the head of the undead group that lives there, and we end up dating. (yes I date a ghost, no I will not be taking constructive criticism /lh)"

"ghosts r just inherently sexy"

"i mean im becoming a squid thing so"

"Raven quirk raven quirk!!"

"ł â m p"

"łæmp"

"mothman: ooh lamp you look very nice today! do you come here often? mothman: wait shit no"

"I'd date a ghost"

"mine is still accurate, i am still sobbing (/j)"

"p e e p e e"

""@nick wilde is a tumblr sexyman" is the best thing i have ever seen"

"im sorry im cackling like a dying hyena"

"you're all 12 year olds"

"PEENIE"

"He once caused global warming on accident so he could get a tan"

"god, what a himbo. i love him"

"that reminds me of my friends kin assigned me jesus"

"Man outside of battle be like: princely crying but then in battle hes like: "CATACLYSM! DISASTER! DEVASTATION!" Chill out man"

"Every time I talk about satan it never fails to shock people it's my favorite thing to do"

"im kin assigning him roman sanders" ""Oh yeah he caused global warming because he wanted to get girls" "he what""

"oh damn i forgot satan was straight"

"twink appreciation club"

"give us the twinks"

"my first thought was bottom-"

"so many people to try and get his dad to love him"

"daddy issued"

"OH MY GOD ITS WILBUR"

"Big boy but"

"anyways janus is swagggg"

"........................."

"gib twink"

"give twink then i will share"

"holds him gentle like hamburger"

"This dumb bitch opened a book that said "do not open" and got possessed by a little bastard"

"he is. fragile creachur"

"klug is beauty klug is grace i would let him step on my face"

"If I'm playing swap and I have to hear one more "Pwanet Powew" Im gonna lose it"

"Who is to blame? Pandora or the box?"

"Bakugo isnt my type but I respect the drip"

"i say like my type isnt long-haired pretty boys and girls that look so gnc that people have a history of confusing them for men"

"hes a gremlin and i can appreciate a pretty gremlin"

"that is to say i am attracted to VFlower vocaloid. This is a confession."

"note i am a lesbian"

"You may like Schezo wegey"

"why does he have one single expression"

"soul soul eater passes the vibe check"

"magic wand"

"I Want To Hold His Hand"

"i would commit a war crime for him any war crime idc which one"

"my favorite one is when he sounded rlly gay because he said "Muscular bodies keep me satisfied""

"p e a n u t"

"Klug is a homophobic homosexual its just facts"

"grug from the croods is peak male performance"

"jaw drops to floor, eyes pop out of sockets accompanied by trumpets, heart beats out of chest, awooga awooga sound effect, pulls chain on train whistle that has appeared next to head as steam blows out, slams fists on table, rattling any plates, bowls or silverware, whistles loudly, fireworks shoot from top of head, pants loudly as tongue hangs out of mouth, wipes comically large bead of sweat from forehead, clears throat, straightens tie, combs hair Ahem, you look very lovely."

"tag yourself im the fireworks shooting from the top of the head"

"i like essays"

"central time gang"

"11:11 pog-" (wait... is that a suprise angel number?? yes it is lovelies just for you <3)

"Then again im also a dumbass bitch who wonders what the souls in soul eater taste like. SERIOUSLY THOUGH. THEY LOOK TASTY AS HELL!!!! LIKE GODDAMN BRO YOU'RE MAKING ME FUCKING HUNGRY. Like. that shit- it's Bone Apple motherfucking Teeth. hell yea my guy. Im hongy now.... shlorp I'm seriously considering this. Like. They seem kinda like a liquid? But a solid? Are they like jello? The fuck they taste like my guy???? I keep imagining they're like sour, like sour candy maybe? Or do they taste salty? Sweet? Maybe some combo of two? Do they even have a taste or is it about the texture? The sensation? God my mouth is watering what the hell. I am starving. I think I need to go get a cookie. I'm gonna go get a cookie. Brb. I'm better. I'm still craving souls though. Which is a weird-ass cringey thing to say but I'm being dead-ass rn. They just.... look tasty???? And I wanna eat one. Thus. I am shifting to Soul Eater for the express purpose of satisfying my fucking cravings. enjoy"

"points were made"

"jello? more like helloooo schloooAHFJDSDAIDWNALDHSJKDAIDANDM"

"WAIT I THINK I HAVE AN ANIME GIRL BITING VIDEO TOO"

"anime girl voice: mmm! mm... ahhhhmp!! mmm, mmm... aaahmp!"

"i think it sounds great i'm going to start eating like that"

"several people are typing"

"do these look edible to you"

"forbidden gummies"

"when I was on lsd I couldn't eat my fruit gummies because I thought they were alive because they had little faces on them"

"oh shit yeah don't do drugs"

"anyways general consensus is puyos are edible, ty for your input everyone"

"everypony is a word so powerful it can bring nations to its knees"

"pls the self control it's taking me not to say "hewwo everypony" in gen chat when someone new joins-"

"hewwo evewrypony uwu deaw cewestia i hopwe it doewsnt wain owo"

"ive cooked up a sowution wiwth the knowwege ive acwued. they say a kitcwen time saves niwne, but im just savwing two. Ive gathewwed the inwedients to make a time sowbet. Thewe's hawdly woom fow seconds when the seconds mewt away."

"I had a ten year old sister... you know what happened to her??? very sad, very tragic... she turned eleven....."

"NIIICE"

"Guts dont say the secks word :( /j"

"watch your fucking language in front of the president"

"im so sorry lumi"

"i think you're like ehhhh 8/10 funny"

"now me???? 10/10. Hilarious"

"sometimes i have to take a step back and remember that this is the same guts i follow on tumblr /lh"

""ok every here's some good shifting advice!!! uwu have a good day" "yeah i did lsd and ate fruit gummies""

"i have one setting and it's whatever this is"

"my bitch ass cat just pushed the door open with his fuzzy face and now my sleeping dad is being lulled into dreams by Cosmo Sheldrake's 'Pliocine'."

"me on discord: nick wilde"

"me on tumblr: shifting water! haha funne! me on here: my hermit crabs are cannibals also i want to eat souls."

"im sorry yOUR VIBESA RE JUST SO DIFFERNT"

"u give off older cousin ive never spoken to but always admire at the family gatherings vibes"

"what the fuck"

"BC I HAVE LIBERTU"

"If you adopt me then yes"

"am I qualified for dad jokes???"

"we're all a lot smarter on tumblr"

"I'm like "awww... sweet... sweet little shiftlings... posting such sweet shiftling content... so pure, so wholesome... does not even know abcs....""

"can't think before you speak if you never think B)"

"I'm not responsible enough to be a mom"

"cat pet"

"show us pictures of the cat or i will do Crime"

"maybe thats me being a coward tho"

"MOTH!!!! MOTH MY BELOVED"

if y'all want I can make this a series bc shiftblr keeps giving me more content

[ddarker-dreams]

Online Love. Yan Shigaraki x Reader [Part 5]

Shigaraki has never had a full grasp on understanding others.

It’s never presented itself as an issue before, due to his unique lifestyle that doesn’t require him to rely upon others to the same extent most do. He doesn’t need to bend himself to the will of others. If anything, people need to mold themselves to his liking. 

There’s no place for coquettish remarks and hidden agendas for the people around Shigaraki. He wouldn’t care for it, and they’d be cut off without a second thought. 

So where do you fit into that? 

He doesn’t know himself. The black and white relationships that stay in neat, understandable boxes for him are all but wrecked by your presence. Where his underlings bite their tongue and present themselves to his liking, you feel no obligation to do the same.

You live as you please, speaking to him as you please. The rules he’s used to don’t apply to you, you don’t even know they exist in the first place. If anyone acted as you did towards Shigaraki, they’d undoubtedly be killed for it. 

There’s a fondness that’s reserved solely for you. 

Even so, he can’t help but feel aggravated at how you’ve been treating him lately. The past three days have been a miserable stretch, his mood taking a turn for the worst. Not due to anything you’ve said to him, no, but because of the opposite.

You haven’t messaged him in seventy-two hours. 

This has never happened before, in the entire time he has known you. In the past three days you’ve not logged onto any of your games, responded to his messages, or uploaded on social media. He’s aware of the fact that you’re physically fine -- a bit of stalking ensured that nothing had happened to you.

A part of him almost wishes that was the case, so he could make sense of it. It would be undoubtedly easier to digest the situation, and he could get you out of the situation with ease.

But the aspect of the unknown is what troubles him the most. His mind wonders pathetically, grasping at any straws to make sense of why you’ve been living your life normally; just without him. 

Staring at his monitor in the dim light of his room, Shigaraki grimaces at the blinking cursor in front of him. Coarse fingers hover over the keyboard, wanting so desperately to seek you out; but unsure of how to go about it. He wants to demand an explanation. 

Were you really able to live your life peacefully without him? Did Shigaraki delude himself of the symbiotic relationship he once believed you two shared? 

His teeth ache from the hours spent grinding together, neck raw from constant scratching. Sleep has all but evaded him, as he spent hours painfully waiting for you to come back to him. For things to go back into the routine he was used to. 

Your absence serves as a reminder of how much he needs you. 

Narrowing his bloodshot eyes, he abruptly stands from his trash covered desk and stalks over towards the door. How dare you ignore him, how dare you treat him like this! Did he mean nothing to you all along? Have you just been waiting for the chance to cut him off, having been secretly disgusted by him all along?

Fury masks over any secret feelings of hurt, Shigaraki intent on demanding Kurogiri to warp him over to you. He’d get an explanation one way or another. Even if he had to pry it from you. Staying idle any longer would surely be the death of him.

Before he opens the door, he hears the custom alert. The one that he had set for you, so he could always know when you were messaging him. 

Shigaraki’s mind goes blank as he goes back over to his computer. He wonders if it was imagined, only to be disproved by a message from you on his screen.

From: [First] 2:06 AM

hello tomo-kun

That... that’s it? Mouth slightly agape from confusion, Shigaraki’s mind races with countless responses. Ranging from cruel words directed at you for ignoring him for so long, to inquiring about what even caused it in the first place. But none of them are typed out as he delivers an equally mundane response. 

To: [First] 2:06 AM

Hey

Anyone else would’ve been facing the wrath of hell right now, but Shigaraki manages to contain himself. Knowing that you haven’t forgotten about him or discarded him was enough to momentarily distract him from his previous rage. Biting his finger nails that were already short from countless hours of similar activity, he awaits your response. 

From: [First] 2:10 AM 

i’m sorry that i haven’t been around... 

From: [First] 2:11 AM

i’ve been having kinda a bad time lately with some stuff. but if it’s okay with you can we play some comp? i kinda just wanna take my mind off it. if you’re not busy that is 

It isn’t concern that he feels, but an undying curiosity. If something major had happened to you, like a death of a loved one, he would’ve known about it by now. What could’ve happened that upset you this much that he wasn’t alerted about? 

Shigaraki silently ponders to himself. Maybe he needs better scouts. 

To: [First] 2:12 AM 

Whatever you want, idm

An immediate response. 

From: [First] 2:12 AM

thank u, i appreciate it

From: [First] 2:13 AM

aaa i feel so dumb. im sorry im sure i worried you. i just havent been in the mood to talk to anyone. its nothing like crazy or anything im fine, just some life stuff 

Shigaraki’s never been the best at comforting people, as it’s a task that he’s never been given. He can barely take care of himself, much less anyone else. But in situations like this, he feels you’re supposed to offer something. Only for you would he stretch himself in this way.

To: [First] 2:15 AM 

What happened 

It might seem like a lackluster response, but to anyone who knows Shigaraki it would come as a surprise. People’s personal affairs have never interested him in the slightest, but you’re a unique case. 

From: [First] 2:16 AM

wellllll its kinda stupid but ig it doesnt hurt to tell you lmao 

From: [First] 2:17 AM

ive... ive had a crush on this guy for a long time. we’ve known one another for a few years, stuff like that. anyways i worked up the courage to ask him out and he got upset at me. saying stuff like im ruining our friendship. it was just really bad, and ever since then ive been on auto pilot 

The word crush hits him like a ton of bricks. He’s incapable of focusing on anything else in that moment, as time all but comes to a stop. His breathing uneven, and hands shaky; he sits back from the light of his screen. Disgust isn’t the right word for it, it doesn’t begin to describe the barrage of emotions he’s experiencing. 

You liked someone. You liked someone that isn’t him. 

Even if he actually wanted to, he couldn’t fake a decent response to your message. All along he’s been under the impression that you may return his feelings. That all the little gestures meant you treasure him on the same level he does you, and that you would one day be his. 

Hours spent daydreaming of you sweetly confessing to him come to mind, as his vision goes red. 

It doesn’t matter how. He’s going to find out who this cesspool of human waste is, he’s going to savor tearing each limb from their body and take pleasure in his screams of agony. Shigaraki will take care of this individual personally, wanting them to suffer in the same way he has. 

There isn’t any way you could like someone else. This all has to be a joke, a cruel prank with an eventual punchline. There’s no other way to make sense of it. No one else could be even remotely deserving of your affections other than him, and no one will ever have them if he could do anything about it.

He will figure out what to do with you and your betrayal later. For now, only this apple of your eye has his attention. Countless cruel ideas flood his thoughts like a tidal wave, a malicious grin breaking out onto his face. 

Shigaraki will make them pay.

[mydarling-suggestions]

Ok so I sent my last one in on 12-21 and this one is being sent 12-22(his birthday). I'm not quite sure how much I said before but whatever imma just go for the events of the last couple of days. Not asking advice, just updating since you've been helping me :)

Yesterday, I texted him asking him if he was doing anything for his birthday today because one of our friends was trying to plan something for his birthday and he told me that his mom was probably planning something out, he couldn't do anything today for sure. So I asked him to go to birthday dinner, wherever he wants, and I'll pay and he said that he (a now 20yo man) was being forced to go to a church event to meet people by his mom (which after 5 years knowing them, I'm not actually sure she would do that) but at that point I was like "whatever, kinda sad but its fine". So today I said happy birthday at 8am, he responded with thanks nearly 3 hours later and then didnt say anything until I asked him if he was doing stuff with his family still, which he said yes, and so an hour or two later I texted him telling him I was bringing his christmas/birthday present (a 50$ blanket that I made by hand out of my own sparse funds because I'm in college), showed up, his mom was surprised and said that he walked downstairs with another friend not too long ago (which remember he said he for sure could not have people over today) so I headed downstairs and found him and one of our friends checking out video games and such and when I handed him the present, he just looked at it and went "so it's just a blanket?" To which my snarky, already kinda upset ass replied, "yeah. And I made it." To which he got googly eyed and looked embarrassed for acting like that in front of our friend, who is also recieving a handmade gift and both received handmade gifts in the past numerous times and know that that's my thing. Our friend just kinda looked at him like "uh.. duh its handmade dumbass?? You've known her for 5 years and didn't know it'd be handmade??" And then went back to looking at games. BEFORE THIS LAST PART: this friend that was in the room was not supposed to know that we were dating as to not hurt his feelings/keep another friend who's a little too obsessed with bf from knowing. ANYWAY so he gets up and just kinda gives me this awkward smile and a light hug, like one of your guy best friends in middle school were trying to console you on your first period or something, and then kisses me in front of this friend who isn't supposed to know. So I left, went to a nearby park and cried bc 1. If he wanted to just spend some time with this one friend, he should have and could have just told me and i would've been fine and he knows that bc weve both done it before and been fine. 2. The attitude that came with receiving his present? I mean I get just not using it or donating it once the persons gone but straight up "it's just a blanket?" To my face?? 3. If he told the friend we were dating, I would've liked to had known so I didnt feel wierd recieving a present and not being able to talk to him about it and having to watch what's coming out of my mouth. 4. Why is he seemingly avoiding me???

Now that I'm done with that, with what you said in the last reply about talking to him, I do plan on it. I was going to over dinner, but since it was his birthday it didnt feel right so I'm going to wait a bit. I'm honestly hoping this doesn't go on much longer and it fixes soon bc the last time I was in a situation like this was bc I wasnt giving the guy what he wanted and so he cheated on me, then tried to pin the blame on me and play victim so I would break up with him and it wouldn't be his fault to his parents (I most def made him take responsibility) but I dont want anything like that happening again (though I doubt the cheating part would happen since hes super antisocial)

Thanks for listening folks

Okay so, I talked to him and told him he needed to communicate with me because he said he was having problems and I told him he needed to talk to me about those things and not just ignore me, and he told me yesterday (new years eve) he wanted to talk to me bc I was right, he needed to communicate and we went to a park and he talked for a bit, said he wasnt sure he wanted to finish bc he didnt want me to be mad or shattered or anything, I reassured him and he broke up with me. I took him home, we joked for a min before he got out and he said "see you around" when he got out so we're still cool and friends so I'm pretty happy with the situation all in all. I wanted him to break up with me last night if at all so that I could go into the new year and just let it go since I kinda knew that things would be ending a while ago anyway.

i know this is late im sorry i was working on my mental health yet again 🥺

for the first part, excuse my french but what a dick... i always do homemade gifts so i know how that is, but "just a blanket" that would crush me...i would have been so upset.

for the second part, the ending shattered my heart because it sucks to know the relationship is ending, however im glad it ended on okay terms... i wish you all the luck in the world and if you ever just want someone to talk to im here, ive dropped my @ multiple times including once tonight, if you ever do feel so inclined to message me i would gladly talk to you for a bit!

p.s. happy new year i love you toooo!

[ibroughtyoumybullets]

rules: answer 30 questions and tag some blogs you want to know better. vyn @bringmoreknives tagged me!!! under a cut bc .. long!

Name/nickname: julia

Gender: none <3 with a side of girl who looks like a boy who looks like a girl

Star sign: sagittarius 

Height: 5′9/5′10

Time: 9:47 pm

Birthday: 11/25

Favorite bands: my chem, frank iero and the side projects, the distillers, the hotelier, the world is a beautiful place & i am no longer afraid to die, the wonder years, tfb, pink floyd, nirvana, the maine

favorite solo artists: frank turner, lorde, harry styles, bright eyes, griz, rezz, svdden death, lsdream, subtronics

Song stuck in my head: the american boy fortnite remix from tiktok :(

Last film: i actually have no idea? maybe catch me if you can? 

Last show: uhhhh disenchantment, maybe? i never watch tv. 

When I made this blog: april 2020 (lol 420 blaze it)

What I post: mcr + personal, kinda? mostly mcr. 

Last thing I googled: ..... chicago weed laws 2021

Other blogs: @aischrologia is my old main. its just aesthetics. i mostly dont use her anymore bc i made this blog bc what i was posting shifted and i hate sideblogs

Do I get asks: yeah!!! ive been getting a lot more recently they make me smile

Why I chose my url: on july 23rd, 2002, american rock band released their debut album i brought you my bullets, you brought me your love. (but for real one day i was checking urls and this was miraculously open and its my favorite mcr album. #canonurlbitches

Following: 179.................. its possible i need to follow more people

Followers: 918. which isnt a lot but its also more followers than ive ever had on tumblr it occasionally makes me feel very weird. who are you people. 

Average hours of sleep: i am an insomniac who also needs like 12 hours of sleep to function so i usually get a good amount but the hours are wack. 

Lucky numbers: i would say 18 and 88 bc one time i played a 2 dollar scratch ticket and those were the winning number and every number on the scratch ticket was a winner. but also i only won 50 dollars so :/ really i more have unlucky numbers and they are 16 and 8

Instruments: guitar!!! ive been playing for about a year. im not really musical tho so thats it.  What I am wearing: levis from savers. a cub scouts hoodie i stole from my father. and mismatched fuzzy socks. 

Dream trip: any place ... any place at all ... please. but also ireland or greece or spain. 

Favorite food: carbs<3 but actually ummmmmmmmmm shrimp scampi maybe Nationality: american

Favorite song: this is impossible to answer but also the answer is its not a fashion statement, its a fucking deathwish 

Last book read: stay sexy and dont get murdered Top three fictional universes you’d like to live in: this is hard. i dont really know anymore? 

Favorite color: #e68383 (rose-ish) #165246 (dark green) #3028c7 (bright blue/purple) 

thank you vyn<3 i tag anybody who wants to do it because i am scared of bothering people with tags. you can even say i tagged you in it and people will be none the wiser. #iheartdeception

[itsdangeroustorunaboutinthedark]

19, 20

18 hours~

18 hours ive just slept. dont know how much i slept yesterday. the day before that slept 3 different times, 2-3 hours each. it felt like 4 days went by in that one day, not just because of the sleep patterns. that morning i woke up, or i was woken up, with an already shit feeling that was just about to get worse. i realized, if todays events were to go as planned, id probably kill myself. there was a plethora of reasons for that, going so far back it's almost laughable. a large component to ensuring i would carry it out, was that id be alone for the next few days. it felt, feels? extremely pathetic, even though the being alone in itself had no part in the reasons building up to such major suicidalness. suicidality? whatever. the conditions surrounding that being alone were some reasons; the being alone itself was just the perfect setting to allow it. but i couldnt say that. i couldnt say, in this situation specifically, that if i was left alone id probably kill myself. it'd be manipulative, would it.. though maybe what i ended up doing was no different. "i think im going to admit myself to the psych ward" was essentially what i ended up saying. i was met with so much support, it felt worse in a way. not as in worse than if id been met with anything else, just, worse than i had felt before. i felt guilty. i felt selfish. it felt like i was saying whatever just to get my way. even though all "my way" was, was to live, and to hopefully not leave the animals unattended in the process. foremost the animals, really. after having been shown awkward support, albeit shocking in a good? way, i regretted saying anything. or maybe i didnt, maybe those feelings didnt come til later. either way, the guilt was, still is, all-consuming. making calls to inpatient services piled on the guilt even more. i shouldnt be wasting these peoples time, there are surely those worse, ill be fine now, probably. the same feelings of guilt towards the person i admitted this to, and to the admissions people at the looney bin, grew even more while at the crisis center the next day. there were cases, serious cases, serious-er cases, being discussed by the staff. severe drug addict, has uncontrollable seizures, huge gaps in memory, is in and out of the hospital, only 21. someone came in with a fucked up leg, brought in by someone else. another came in with 5 bags packed, as if this was a usual visit, prepared to stay for a long while. another person, also accompanied, came in, just as quiet as i was. i knew not to compare. i knew everyone goes through things differently, presents differently, and presentation alone hasnt a sole explanation on whats actually going on with a person. and it wasnt these exterior comparisons that lead to the guilt, but that i was no longer feeling the unbearable despair and violent willingness to go through with what i had planned the day before. i didnt feel good, i didnt feel okay, i felt numb. but numb is better than That, numb is no reason to take up the time of people who are busy trying to help people with worse problems. they were kind, and seemingly all too knowing, and they sent me home with a couple phone appointments. i didnt know how to feel about it or what to think, the only prominent feeling still being guilt, somehow residing along nothingness. perhaps emptiness would be a better word. i was so confused about what to feel and think and so overwhelmed with guilt, that for a short while after any time i tried to speak about it, my mind would go blank and i sounded like a malfunctioning printer trying to get words out. now its the day after, technically two days after, and i still feel nothing. or i feel empty. or i feel numb. the words i was told when i first spoke of my plans to admit myself, and in turn some of the feelings/reasons that led to that, still ring in my ears; "it often looks you're doing better, but i think you're just distracting yourself."  im still not sure whether thats entirely true, but it is at least partly, and its distinctly how i decided to live at the ripe-old age of 12 or 13, when i was in a different, arguably worse and far more hopeless set of circumstances. i remember it now n again, and every once in awhile i come across the note i wrote to myself at the time as a reminder, it saying only "distract yourself". its been 7 or so years since. so much has changed, i have far more ability to make further changes by myself than ever before. a week before all of this happened, i was determined and taking the first steps to make what would probably be the largest change of my life so far. and all it took to take me from that to the pits of despair was several ever-smouldering struggles and a couple of current happening-problems. and now i dont know what to do. im mostly numb, maybe a slight bit anxious, and i dont know what to do next. im going to have to face everyone about what's going on, and I don't know what to tell them. and I'll once again feel guilt, because I don't know how i feel or what to say, because i didn't go through with the attempt, because ive wasted people's time over this. because i knew as soon as i wasnt going to be alone, the main excuse to kill myself was gone, and i couldn't admit that to the person who was leaving, the same person who contributed to so many of the events that brought upon the feelings that lead up to this point. that lead up to it this time, that lead up to it several times before. i told work i had been admitted earlier than i actually had been because i didnt want to let them know very last minute, and they were so kind about it; and then i was discharged within an hour. i dont want to go anymore. i dont know if i should. i can think of 100 reasons why i shouldnt, maybe only a few convincing reasons why i should. i look at my ongoing suicidal ideation, and since now that it's met with indifference to the actions and potential outcomes rather than turbulence, i shrug it off. i think, i think thats what im supposed to do. 

and all of this sounds like self pity, self loathing, utter dejection, such things that i hold such disdain for and cant handle in other people anymore. its irritating, its pathetic, all i need to do to improve is take a step, a step in literally any direction. and eventually, i will, maybe. if i make it to that point. but right now, i dont know. im not sure any of this is true. im not sure of anything, period. and thats a lie. and its not. ah

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Home - Part 12

A few weeks went by with no sign of Jack, Sam hadn't been able to find any trace of him still being in town. It was like he had a fallen off the face of the earth! .... i could only hope that was true!

Things had finally started to settle down, Pepper had called Bucky to tell him Ms Harper had been transferred to another school with a warning, one more wrong step and she would no longer have a career working with children. We were happy with this outcome as it meant she was away from Allie. Allie now had a new teacher, Mr Lang who she loved and said was so funny!

Bucky had sat Chloe down the day after her outburst at the house and told her that she was to show me the same respect as she gave to him, he had told her we were together and that the way she had treated me was unacceptable even if i was ‘just the nanny’! I had only seen her a couple times since and she had been perfectly fine with me but i could tell there was definitely still some jealously there.

I had also met Sam's wife Wanda who was lovely! We got along like a house on fire from the start, much to the amusement of Bucky, Steve and Sam. I was actually meant to be meeting her for coffee with Rosie today after dropping the girls at the school. But i had woken up feeling awful.... i went downstairs to find Bucky and the girls already sitting at the table dressed for the day and having breakfast.

"Morning, you feeling okay? you look a little pale" Bucky asked looking up from his iPad that he was reading the news on.

"I think I'm getting sick, i feel awful" i shook my head avoiding the coffee pot and grabbing a bottle of water and some Advil "my head and my throat hurts and i feel real shaky...."

"Go back to bed doll, i'll take the girls to school"

"What about Rosie?"

"I'll call Steve"

"You cant keep calling Steve, he has work too you know" i laughed and regretted it instantly when it started a coughing fit.

"Go to bed, i'll be up in a minute to check on you".

"Fine, but only because i might actually pass out if i dont lay down" i mumbled before heading back upstairs, i heard my phone start ringing from where it was charging in the kitchen and i soon heard Bucky answer it.

"Hey Wanda...... think you girls are going to have to reschedule. Yeah sorry, Y/N's sick i've just sent her back to bed" was the last thing i heard before falling into Bucky's bed and wrapping the covers around me.

"Doll..... doll I'm just going to drop the girls at school" Bucky was suddenly saying from beside me stroking my hair back from my face.

"Okay.... what about Rosie?"

"Wanda is going to take her for a few hours while i go into the office to deal with a few things. Will you be okay on your own for a while?"

"Yes dad i'll be fine home alone" i rolled my eyes at him which was a huge mistake, the sudden movement had me bolting out of the bed and rushing to the bathroom emptying my stomach in the toilet.

"I think I'm dying Buck" i moaned reaching for the flush as he walked in handing me my bottle of water.

"Your not pregnant are you!?" He suddenly asked making a joke of it but also part of him was serious.

"No Buck I'm not pregnant, I'm on birth control. Im just sick" i said stumbling back to bed "i'll be fine after some more sleep".

"Right, of course you are. I was just messing with you sweetheart" he chuckled before leaning down to place a kiss on my forehead.

"Dont get too close, i dont want you getting sick too"

"I'll be fine" he smiled down at me before finally leaving to take the girls to school.

The next fews days i was a mess! I had been in bed for most of it apart from when Bucky took me to see the doctor. I wasn't getting any better and i wasn't sleeping and he was getting worried about me. The doctor said I had a bad case of flu that had led to a severe throat and chest infection and gave me some strong antibiotics, he had also given me something to help me sleep. I just wanted to feel better already i missed spending time with Bucky and the girls, I had been keeping my distance not wanting them to get sick.

I was laying in bed when i felt a hand slip up my thigh and travel up until an arm was wrapped around my waist, a warm body pressed to my back.... soft kisses placed to my neck making me moan.

"Mmm Bucky I've missed you" i sighed smiling and welcoming his attention.

"I've missed you too baby, but I'm not Bucky" said the too familiar voice, i froze at the sound of Jacks voice in my ear and started to struggle but he just laughed "your mine baby always, i'll get you back soon dont worry!"

"No!!! Bucky??!!!!" I screamed still trying to push Jack away from me, he just looked down at me with a sinister smile spread across his face.

"Hey! Hey sweetheart wake up!"

My eyes shot open to see Steve leaning over shaking me slightly looking concerned. I was sweating and breathing hard as i realised i had been dreaming!

"Steve?"

"Yeah its just me, you okay?"

".... I'm fine" i shook my head feeling stupid "where's Bucky?"

"He just went to get some groceries. Asked me to stay to keep an eye on you while he was gone"

"Oh, okay"

"You wanna talk about it?" Steve offered "you seem pretty shaken"

"I dreamt Jack was here, at first i thought he was Bucky but it wasnt.... it was Jack telling me im his and that he'll have me back soon" i shook my head.

"It was just a dream sweetheart, your safe here"

"I know..... it just felt so real"

"Im here, i'll protect you" he smirked "you wanna come downstairs for a change of scenery? I dont think your contagious, we'd all have it by now if you were"

"Yeah okay, that sounds good actually" i nodded "Buck will probably freak that im not in bed resting still though"

"dont you worry bout him. Come on" Steve smiled easily scooping me up into his arms and carrying me downstairs.

"Steve i can walk you know"

"I know" he shrugged before putting me down on the sofa smiling.

"Such a dork" i rolled my eyes laughing at him "thank you for staying with me Steve".

"Anytime sweetheart".

Steve and I were sat watching a movie when Bucky finally got home.

"Hey baby, you feeling better?" Bucky asked dropping down on the sofa next to me and wrapping me in his arms as he placed a kiss to my temple.

"I still feel awful but Steve thought a change of scenery would do me good, he even insisted on carrying me down here"

Bucky laughed shaking his head at his friend "of course he did".

"Hey, you loved being swept off your feet sweetheart dont deny it"

"I would never!" I gasped and held a hand to my chest dramatically making them both laugh.

"You hungry? I got you some chicken noodle soup" Bucky asked looking down at me as his fingers played with my hair.

"Mmm yes please"

"Okay, I'll be right back".

"Hey Buck, can we go for a walk after I've eaten? I feel like i need some fresh air, think I'm starting to get cabin fever"

"Anything you want doll" he called back.

"It will probably make you feel better getting out the house for a while" Steve smiled over at me "clear your mind"

"Yeah i was thinking the same, i just wanna get back on my feet, the more I'm resting the worst i feel"

"At least your eating more now and keeping food down" Bucky added as he came in with a tray of soup and a bread roll "you had me worried" he said placing the tray on my lap.

"Oh i know, he even asked me if i was pregnant"

"Are you?" Steve asked with wide eyes making me roll my eyes.

"No! Dont worry there's no baby.... I'm just sick" i chuckled shaking my head before turning my attention to my food "mmm smells so good".

"For the record, i wasn't worried that you were pregnant. I was just asking a question"

"Oh okay" i laughed, the look on his face when he had asked me this morning told an entirely different story!

After i had eaten we went for walk around the park and it actually did make me feel a bit better. The evening was spent cuddled up with Bucky and the girls on the sofa which was so nice, id missed this the past couple of days.

I was laying in bed later that night when i felt a hand brush over my thigh and an arm wrap around my waist, a warm body press against my back.... soft kisses placed on my neck.... deja vu hit me like a ton of bricks and i sat up turning quickly to look behind me, Bucky looked at me like i was crazy.

"You okay?"

"Yeah..... yeah I'm fine" i nodded "sorry Buck" i said quickly with sigh of relief.

"Hey what is it?"

"I just had to make sure you were you....."

"Okayyyy.... who else would it be?"

"No one, i just..... i had this dream earlier that kinda freaked me out" i laid back down shaking my head before telling him all about it "Steve woke me up because he heard me shouting for you"

"But it was just a dream babe" Bucky said pulling me back into his arms, his body curling around me protectively from behind.

"I know" i said quickly "it just seemed so real....."

"I got you" he mumbled in my ear as he buried his face against my neck "and for the record, i really wasn't worried that you were pregnant.... i was just asking a question. Id be happy if you were"

"What?...."

"Id be happy. Y/N i love you so much and your already a great mom to my girls.... why wouldn't i be happy to add to our family?"

"Buck.... Thats the first time you've said you love me" i turned in his arms needing to see his face, to look into the eyes that melted my insides every time he looked at me.

"Ive said it so many times in my head doll" he admitted looking kinda embarrassed "i know everything with us has moved quick but its true, i love you"

"I love you too" i smiled pressing a quick kiss to his lips "i'll kiss you better when I'm not sick" i chuckled.

"You kiss me better now woman i dont care" he laughed diving on me and kissing me taking my breath away.

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[lenniewip]

Unknown (A Sterek Wrong Number/Celebrity AU)

11.09 PM Unknown Number

>I’m writing songs about you again.

11.20 PM Unknown Number

>its stiles btw.

>in case you deleted my number

>I did.

>I mean I deleted yours.

>but I still remember it apparently

11:41 PM Unknown Number

>I only have 2 lines so far

11:57 PM Unknown Number

>I bleed you from my veins.

>I grieve you like I love you.

>alone.

>its better with the chords.

>u were always better at writing lyrics than me

12:34 AM Unknown Number

>u were better everything than me

2:00 AM Unknown Number

>I hate that I miss you

2:07 AM Unknown Number

>do u want to hook up?

>I promise not to propose again

2:15 AM Unknown Number

>im sorry.

>ignore me.

>im drinking

Derek blinked bleary eyes. His phone screen was the only source of light in his room, as he read through the flurry text messages.

What the hell is a Stiles?

2:17 AM Unknown Number

<I think you have the wrong number

>Lydia?

<no

>oh thank fuck

>I mean

>I’m sorry

>for disturbing ur sleep

>but im just glad I didn’t drunk text my ex all of this

>bullet dodged right?

>is this what near death experiences feel like?

<I wouldn’t know.

>of course

>hey

>seeming as I have you here can I ask you a quick q?

>all my friends are asleep

<probably because its 3am

<everyone’s asleep

>2.39

>and ur not

>asleep that is

>so?

>I’ll take your silence as a go ahead

>what do you think?

>of the lyrics

<im the wrong person to ask

>never experienced heartbreak?

<no

<all song lyrics just look like bad poetry to me

>oh

>yeah I guess it does

>not everyone can be Rupi Kaur tho right?

<do you want to be rupi kaur?

>sure

>not to be dramatic or anything

>but

>I want to be anyone but me

>think id rather be someone like regina spektor tho

<regina spektor?

>singer/song writer

>shes my fucking inspiration

>her lyrics are like poetry to me

>you should listen to her music

<I dont really listen to music

>what the fuck?

>are you an alien?

<no?

>nice fucking try ET

>thats exactly what an alien would say

<…you got me there

>akdjfen

>is this you admitting I was right?

<no

<but this is me going to bed

<because its now 4AM

>already?

>fuck

>ive got an early start tomorrow

>good night random stranger

>and thanks

>for listening

>or reading ig

<good night

//

“You’re late.” Laura frowned, arms crossed.

“Are you going to let me in?” Derek grumbled, still feeling the affects of having stayed up until 4AM the previous night.

Laura didn’t argue she just stepped aside to let him through into her flat. “You’re grumpier than usual.” She noted.

“Didn’t sleep well.”

Derek hated the look she gave him then.

The look that said he was broken. The look that said she wanted to fix him.

“Is…Is it the nightmares again?” Laura’s voice dipped to a whisper, like the question alone would be enough to send him over the edge.

“No.”

An awkward silence defended over the two of them, neither knowing what to say.

Derek clung to the silence like a blanket, wishing things could go back to how they used to be. Back to when they knew how to speak to one another.

But this was enough.

It was enough to know that they were both trying. Failing. But trying.

//

2:40 PM Laura

>I’m here if you need to talk.

//

Derek isn’t good at art, but sometimes it’s the only way he can express himself. Words had never been his forte.

So instead he doodles.

Shitty toddler level doodles that he never shows anyone.

Sometimes he thinks if he could bring himself to show Laura she would like it. Maybe she would even understand it.

But there was a bigger chance that she wouldn’t, and he would feel even more like a stranger to his own sister than he already was.

//

10:18 PM Unknown Number

>I don’t remember it anymore

<You have the wrong number again

>No

>This is ‘not Lydia’ right?

<right

>So here’s the thing.

>I always thought if I needed to text her I could

>And I thought maybe I got her number wrong because I was drunk

>But I can’t remember it anymore

<Oh.

>I have some of her things still

>I don’t think I’ll ever get to return it now

>Unless she messages me first

<When did you two break up?

>Last year

>and I know what you’re thinking

>’it’s October’

>and I should be over her by now

>Trust me I know

>So you don’t need to lecture me

<I wasn’t going to

>Oh

<Stiles?

>That’s weird

<what is?

>I forgot I told you my name

<You should throw away the stuff she left behind.

>you’re right

>I don’t like it.

>but you’re right

>…thanks

<What for?

>for listening

>reading**

>my friends are pretty sick of hearing me complain

>so this is nice

<sure

<anytime

>dope

>no take backsies

<am I going to regret this?

>for definite

>you’re stuck with me now

//

That night Derek saves Stiles’ number as ‘Bad Poet’.

//

Stiles keeps messaging after that.

Stiles messages like they’ve been friends for years, and Derek very determinedly does not analyse why it is he always responds.

Even when there are messages dated from Laura from three days ago that he hasn’t even been able to bring himself to open yet.

He also ignores how when he’s messaging Stiles the gaping pit that had made residence in his chest feels just a little less inescapable.

//

Derek can’t bring himself to tell Stiles his name. He can’t bring himself open up, even though there’s a large part of him that wants to.

He’s not above admitting he’s scared.

//

Derek draws Stiles sometimes.

More accurately he draws a vague pair hands texting on a phone, because he has no idea what Stiles actually looks like.

Derek refuses to let himself dwell on that though, because they are happy drawings.

The pictures of Stiles are pretty much his only happy drawings right now.

//

They don’t always talk about Lydia.

Sometimes Stiles messages Derek song lyrics he’s working on.

Other times it’s memes, or just a bunch of emojis.

Once Stiles had just messaged him what Derek could only assume was a list of everything he had eaten that day.

Sometimes Stiles messages in rambles - and Derek can’t always keep up with the boy’s run away thoughts, but even then he never feels lost the way he does when he’s trying to interact with literally anyone else.

And sometimes it’s 2AM. Those are simultaneously Derek’s favourite and least favourite texts.

//

2:02 AM Bad Poet

>sometimes I feel like too much

>and too little

>at the same time

>u ever feel like that ET?

<not really

>its like I’m infinite, and meaningless

>like a never ending echo

>or a recurring decimal

>I just stretch on and on forever but theres no point to it

>I have no depth

<youre not meaningless

<you’re a rhythm.

<like breathing

>…

>was that a regina spektor reference?

<it might have been

>I thought you didn’t listen to music?

<well someone said her lyrics were like poetry

<so I thought I would check out a few songs

>well fuck

>what did you think?

<she’s good

>you spelt ‘amazing’ wrong

<I still prefer poetry

>of course you do

Derek stared at the texts an ache filling his chest.

Derek was the opposite of infinite. Everything he touched turned to flames.

//

10:30AM Bad Poet

<my sister bought me flower seeds

>I didn’t know you had a sister?

<she’s everything I have

>oh

<and I think she’s trying to trick me into therapy somehow

>…with flower seeds?

<yes

>you sound extremely paranoid

>maybe therapy wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world for you?

<shut up

>noted.

>keep me posted on how your gardening goes

>also

>as a side note

>you know you have me too right?

>if you ever need to talk or anything, I’m right here for you

<thanks

>anytime

//

On Derek’s birthday Laura insists the two of them spend the day together, and Derek knows better than to argue.

She buys him a cake and they spend hours sat next to one another silently. Two strangers desperately trying to keep hold of one another but with an ocean dividing them.

Once their family had been so alive.

And it was all Derek’s fault that was gone.

They both knew it.

Sometimes Derek wondered if Laura hated him as much as he did.

He was too scared to ask.

//

That night Derek chased the ache in his chest away with a drink.

And then several more followed.

//

1:14 AM Bad Poet

<seh haars me

>sorry bud, you’re going to have to try again

>try spell checking before hitting send

<she.hates mee

>who?

<larn

>are you drunk?

<yeh

<tyongs ndrf

*Out Going Call: Bad Poet*

The phone rings twice before being picked up. “Sorry. Stupid keyboard is so small. Impossible to type.” Derek mumbled, his words slightly muffled by his cheek being pressed into the sofa cushion.

“Wow. You’re really sloshed huh?”

“No.” Derek denied. “Just tipsy.”

“Right. So what was it you were trying to tell me? Someone hates you?”

“Laura.”

“Who’s Laura?”

“My sister.”

“Oh.”

“She looks at me like she wishes she could fix me.”

“That doesn’t sound like she hates you, bud.”

“She should. I can’t be fixed.”

“You’re right, because you’re not broken.”

Hearing Stiles say that Derek could almost believe it to be true.

“I mean it. You’re not broken. You’re just a different shape than you used to be. But the shape you are now is beautiful.”

Derek closes his eyes and lets the words wash over him. “Do you sing?” He finds himself asking.

“What?”

“I know you write songs, but do you ever sing?”

“Oh…” Stiles sounds uncomfortable. “I guess… Yeah. I do.”

Derek hummed in the back of his throat. “I bet you have a nice voice.”

“Th-thanks.”

Derek tried to say something else, but all that comes out is a yawn, which makes Stiles let out a jittery laugh.

Derek tries to memorise the sound of It, but it’s so fleeting, it’s already slipping away from him.

“I think you need to go sleep, ET.”

“Yeah.” Derek agrees.

“Goodnight bud.”

“Wait.”

“Yeah?”

“Could you stay on the phone? Just for a bit longer.” Derek clutched on to the phone like if he could grip tightly enough it would make Stiles stay.

I don’t want to be alone. The words die on Derek’s tongue.

“Sure.” Stiles didn’t hesitate. “Of course.”

“Thank you.”

Sleep pulled at Derek’s consciousness, unravelling his grip on reality.

“Stiles?”

Stiles hummed in answer.

“Your shape is beautiful too.”

A small whimper came from the other end of the phone. “Thanks.”

//

7:50 AM Bad Poet

>how are you feeling today?

<better

>good <3

Derek holds his phone tightly and wishes that he had more to say. Just to keep the conversation going.

He also wishes (not for the first time) that Stiles was more than a faceless entity on the other end of the phone.

But it’s the first time he feels the want like a physical ache in his chest.

Derek had never been good with words, but if Stiles was here in front of him Derek would probably give him a hug.

But everything Derek touches eventually dies, and a larger part of him is relieved for the distance.

//

Derek plants the seeds his sister got him that day.

//

9:48 PM Bad Poet

>would it totally weird you out if I wanted to do another phone call?

>don’t feel like you need to say yes

>I just enjoyed talking to you

>and hearing your voice

>ugh.

>why are words so hard?

<I wouldn’t be opposed to a phone call

*Incoming Call: Bad Poet*

“Hey.” Derek feels breathless as he answers the phone, anxious excitement clawing it’s way up his throat.

“Hey.” Stiles sounds equally out of breath, and that helps.

Derek chews on his lip, scrambling for something to say. “What did you want to talk about?”

“I don’t know.” Stiles admitted. “Anything.”

“Helpful.” Derek said sarcastically.

“I mean. There’s one thing. I didn’t want to ask when you were drunk because it felt a little like taking advantage. And I don’t want you to think you have to answer-”

“Stiles.” Derek interrupts before Stiles could break into a full blown ramble.

“Tell me your name.” Stiles breaks. “Please.”

Anxiety grips his heart. But… he couldn’t stay scared forever.

“It’s Derek.”

“Derek.” Stiles repeats his name in a reverent whisper, as if committing it to memory.

And hearing Stiles say his name makes everything worth it.

//

Phone calls become a regular thing between the two of them over the next month. Always between late in the evening and the early hours of the day.

//

The next time Derek spirals he doesn’t drink before he calls Stiles, but he does cry on the phone.

The next morning he wakes up to a text from Stiles.

6:42 AM Bad Poet

>you need to talk to your sister

And Derek knows he’s right.

//

It’s not easy confronting Laura. He has two separate anxiety attacks on the walk to her apartment alone.

But he forces himself to take the dive.

“It’s okay if you hate me.” He tells her, even though it’s not okay. Laura’s hate might be the only thing in the world that could break him beyond repair.

Laura looks horrified as she stares at him. “I don’t- Obviously I don’t hate you Derek.”

“It’s my fault that they’re gone.” Derek addresses the elephant in the room.

If he hadn’t fallen in love with Kate.

If he hadn’t broken up with her, just to try and prove a point when she refused to say ‘I love you’ back…

There never would have been a fire.

Their family would still be here if it wasn’t for him.

“Fuck that!” Laura let out a harsh noise. “Derek, none of this was ever your fault. You were a kid, and even if you weren’t… You never set the fire.”

“I might as well have.”

“No. If anyone… I was your big sister- am your big sister. But I was so fucking wrapped up in myself. I didn’t even know about Kate.”

The last time Derek had seen Laura cry it had been at the funeral, so it took a second to fully sink in what he was seeing.

He found himself crying to.

“I’m so sorry, Der.”

Derek stumbled forwards pulling Laura into a crushing hug. Laura hugs him back just as tight.

They spend hours refusing to let go of one another.

//

He realises he fell asleep on Laura’s sofa when he woke up to the sound of his phone ringing. But he had no idea where it was, and he was too tired to move.

He feels Laura moving and the sound of the phone ringing gets louder before cutting off abruptly.

“Hello?”

“No - Derek’s asleep.”

“Maybe call at a more reasonable time?”

“Who is this?”

“Your voice sounds familiar.”

“Right.”

“Okay. Bye.”

Derek let sleep over take him once more.

//

2:29 AM Bad Poet

>sorry for calling so late

>you’re asleep so I’ll just take to you tomorrow

//

9:07 AM Bad Poet

<sorry, I was really tried

>no worries man

>you’re allowed to have a life outside of me

<was something wrong?

>no I was just bored, and didn’t realise how late it had gotten

>im fine

>how are you?

<im good actually

<I spoke to Laura

>yeah?

>I’m proud of you

>how’d that go?

<we both cried

<a lot

<and I ended up falling asleep on her couch

>look at you, opening up and shit.

>think I might cry now

<shut up

>literally never

>better men have tried and failed to silence me

//

2:40 PM Laura

>Want to see a movie on Friday?

<sure

//

One night Stiles calls Derek just to say his name in stupid ways, and laugh himself stupid after each one.

“Duhreek.”

“Doreck.”

“Fuck. I’m getting a stitch from laughing.”

“You’re so fucking dumb.” Derek is smiling as he said it.

“Deeruk.” Stiles wheezes out.

Derek just closes hie eyes and listens.

“I’m so fucking glad I know you, Stiles.” The words fall out of Derek’s mouth without much thought.

He only realises the weight of his words when Stile’s laughter pulls to a stop.

“I uh-” Stiles stammered. “Me too. Fuck. You’re the best thing to happen to me in…so fucking long. I’m glad I know you too Derek.”

//

Derek finally admits to himself that night that he’d fallen at least a little in love with the stranger from the unknown number.

//

He keeps trying to draw Stiles, but he can’t. Vague shapes just don’t cut it anymore.

He wants to map Stiles out with his eyes and translate it onto the page.

He wants to be able to see the smile behind the laughter.

He wants.

//

1:58 AM Bad Poet

>do you think you day we’ll actually meet?

>maybe not intentionally

>maybe one day we’d pass each other in the streets and not even know

>maybe we already have

Derek couldn’t imagine a scenario where he wouldn’t notice Stiles.

<is there ever a moment when you’re not talking?

<I think id recognise your voice and know it was you

>maybe your face would make me speechless ;)

<I think id still know

<but if you want to be sure… I could send you a picture?

<of me

>dkfajd

>for reals?

>you would do that?

>you?

<well…not for free

>there’s always a catch

>what do you want?

>my soul?

>a blood debt?

>you can have whatever it is

<I meant you’d have to send me a picture too

<geez stiles

The next text takes an unnervingly long time to come through.

>I could do that

>a photo for a photo

>I kind of look like shit rn

>so no judging me

Derek spends the next two minutes fussing and fidgeting to take a good photo. No matter what angle he took it from the bags under his eyes were noticeable, and so was the week’s worth of stubble he had yet to shave off.

And maybe this was a terrible, awful, idea.

But Derek would send one hundred bad pictures if it meant getting to see one of Stiles.

He forced himself to press send on the last picture he took.

As he pressed send another photo came in.

Derek’s fingers shook as he hit the button to download the image.

His heart stopped.

Stiles was beautiful in every sense of the word, and Derek found himself unable to look away. Even when he heard the small dings of incoming messages.

But he couldn’t ignore them for long, because it was Stiles. And when ever Stiles messaged Derek had to answer.

>Fucking hell

>are you for real?

>you gave me a heart attack

>am I being catfished right now?

>when do you think you were going to tell me you’re the most fucking beautiful man to exist ever?

>how the hell to you look like that as 2AM!?

>Derek

>oh my god

>you gotta respond my dude because I’m freaking out a little bit

>still there?

>did my selfie scare you away?

>I would have tried harder for a nice photo if I knew I was talking to an adonis

>Derek?

<still here

>of thank fuck

>so…

<so?

>come on

>your going to give me a complex

>the selfie…was it okay?

>I know it’s not much

>but we can’t all be greek gods

<its beautiful

<you’re beautiful, stiles

>oh

>thanks

//

Derek is so far gone that he makes the picture of Stiles the home screen on his phone.

//

9:49 AM Bad Poet

<Laura wants me to meet her boyfriend

<this is all your fault

>how is this my fault?

<because she never wanted to introduce us before

<and then you got me to talk to my sister

<and now she wants me to meet him

>…and this is a bad thing?

<yes

>because?

<I don’t make good first impressions

<it’s going to be awkward

>yeah probably

<you’re not helpful

>I wasn’t trying to be ;)

>have fun, Derek!

//

Meeting Laura’s boyfriend wasn’t as awkward as Derek thought it was going to be. But it was strange.

Derek hadn’t been expecting to meet someone so soft and kind. He was nothing like any one that Laura had dated before.

But he also wasn’t used to seeing Laura smile as much as she did around him.

Maybe not all change was bad.

//

Derek tells Laura about Stiles by accident. Or more accurately he mentions Stiles once by accident (not even by name) and Laura had badgered him until he admitted that he had made a friend through a wrong number.

“There’s a lot of weirdos out there.”

“I know.”

God did Derek ever know.

But Stiles is different.

“Just…be careful.”

“I am being. I promise.”

Laura reluctantly lets it go after that. “So…what’s he like?”

“He’s…he’s like bad poetry.”

“Oh god. You’re in love with him aren’t you?”

Derek can’t bring himself to deny it, but he does tell Laura to shut up.

//

Derek fully embraces being in love with Stiles on the day he tells Stiles about his drawings. He’d never told anyone about them before - not even Laura. But telling Stiles had been easy.

‘It reminds me of line art’ Stiles had said when Derek had sent him a photo of the doodle he had been working on. “I love it’.

A warmth flutters through Derek’s veins.

//

It all goes sideways on the day Laura goes on Derek’s phone to check the time.

She’d raised one eyebrow at him looking amused.

“I thought you didn’t listen to music?” She said, a teasing note to her voice.

“I don’t.” Derek shrugged.

“A huh. So why do you have a picture of Stiles Stilinski as your wallpaper?” She asks.

It’s so startling to hear Stiles name coming out of Laura’s mouth that Derek’s brain refuses to function properly. “How do you know Stiles?” He asks weakly.

Laura laughs. “He’s not exactly a niche celebrity Der. He was a really famous YouTuber before he started selling albums.”

Derek doesn’t know what to say to that. He blinks as his world slowly unravels before him.

No.

She had to be wrong, because Derek couldn’t be in love with a celebrity. Stiles couldn’t be…

“Hey are you okay? You look really sick?”

“He’s famous?” His throat is dry.

“Yes? Are you okay? What’s wrong? You’ve got to speak to me Der. Use your words.”

Derek just shakes his head because he can’t.

“It’s him.” He manages to get out.

“What are you talking about?”

“Laura. It’s him.”

It takes a moment to click but Derek knows when it does because a look of thunderous wrath takes over Laura’s face.

“I’ll kill him.” She seethes, shaking with anger. “What kind of fucking punk thinks that this is a good prank to play?”

“What?”

“No one is getting away with catfishing you, Der. I’m going to hunt this fucker down, and then I’ll rip him so many new ones that he going to look like SpongeBob when I’m done with him.”

And god, Derek hadn’t even considered the thought that Stiles might not even be Stiles. The thought of Stiles being a liar…

The gape in his heart grows a little bit bigger.

And it all falls apart.

//

It takes hours before Derek can convince himself to confront Stiles.

11:08 PM Bad Poet

<you’re stiles stilinki

>fuck

(And yeah, it was really him).

>how did you find out?

<Laura

>I was going to tell you

<Were you?

>Yes

>I’ve wanted to for ages

>It just never felt like the right time to bring it up

<I wish you had decided on the right time was sooner

>Me too

>I’m sorry

>Please don’t hate me

Derek did not think it was possible for him to hate any part of Stiles.

<I don’t

>Thank fuck

>seriously

>can I call you?

<sure

Derek closed his eyes after sending the text and waited for Stiles to ring. A heartbeat later his ringtone sounded off.

“Hey.”

“You believe me right?” And Stiles sounds more frantic than Derek had ever heard him before.

“I believe you, Stiles.”

“Are you sure, because I can prove it if you want? I can do a video call? Or I can tweet literally anythi-”

“Stiles.”

“Yeah?”

“You don’t have to prove anything to me.”

Stiles lets out a small whine, that reaches through the phone line and yanks at Derek’s already tattered heart, unraveling him just a little more.

“Meet me.” Stiles said, taking Derek by surprise.

“What?”

“Please. I meant to throw a please in there, I’m just really fucking nervous right now. Meet me please. In real life. I uh- I was going to ask when I finally told you about the whole being a celebrity thing. It’s still weird to say that out loud. That’s part of why it was so hard to tell you. But the point was you beat me to the punch with the whole reveal thing, but I still wanted to ask.”

“Stiles…”

“And it’s not that I was trying to use my influence or fame to pressure you into meeting me. I just wanted to be in a space where we were one hundred per cent honest with one another before I asked you. You can still say no. Of course you can, I don’t know why I’m- my point is I hope you don’t say no.”

Derek feels his heart break in two.

“Stiles…I can’t.”

“Oh.”

He hadn’t fully realised just how many worlds apart the two of them were when he had fallen in love with Stiles. It felt even more impossible than it had before.

“I’m sorry.” The words leave him feeling hollow.

“No. Don’t apologise. This is just me getting carried away. It’s okay.”

I love you. The words never leave Derek. They can’t leave him.

There was no way this could work, and he was far too scared of breaking the tentative connection they had with his useless words.

It was better for him to just… fall out of love.

//

6:17AM Laura

<it’s really him

>are you sure

<I’m sure

>what are you going to do?

<nothing

>Derek you’re in love with him

<I’m aware

<it doesn’t matter

<it wouldn’t ever work

>I’m sorry

<don’t be

<I’m going to be fine

>Im coming over with wine

//

That night Derek fills pages and pages of his notebook with drawings of Stiles.

When he gets a message from Stiles at 11PM- for the first time since they started messaging- Derek leaves it unopened.

//

He never ignores a message again after that, and life moves on. Stiles still messages him all the time, but he never asks to call anymore.

Derek misses his voice so much that he goes onto youtube and listens to his music.

He buys all three albums Stiles released and it still doesn’t feel like enough.

//

He fills an entire notebook with doodles of Stiles.

It’s still not enough.

//

1:11 PM Bad Poet

>I wrote you a song

>I know you don’t listen to music

>but it felt weird to not a least send you a link

>bad poetry at 2:00am

The link leads Derek to a youtube video of Stiles holding a ukulele and staring with a soft smile at the camera.

“Hey guys. It’s been a while, huh? But I guess I finally found inspiration. So here we go.”

The song is beautiful, but even more beautiful than that was Stiles.

When the song reached the end Derek doesn’t hesitate to hit replay.

He listens to the song ten times before he realises he’s crying - and he knows that he’s never going to ‘get over’ Stiles because he doesn’t want to.

//

3:00 PM Laura

>have you seen the video?

<he sent me a link

<he wrote a song for me Laura

<I love him so fucking much and he wrote a song for me

>fuck

<what do I do?

>what do you want to do?

<I don’t know

>I think you should look at his twitter

<?

>I wasn’t going to say anything because you said you wanted to get over him

>but I think you need to see it

>@stilesstilinki

//

@stilesstilinski

I want to hug him

@stilesstilinski

Get you a guy that will stay up with you until 4AM talking about literally anything

@stilesstilinski

Why do I alway fall for people so far out of my league? rip me I guess.

@stilesstilinski

He makes me want to write poetry

Derek spends hours scrolling through Stiles’ twitter.

He scrolls far enough back that he gets to the part of his timeline where his twitter is littered with pictures of Lydia, which causes the ache in Derek’s chest to grow. But he can’t stop looking because Stiles looks so happy.

And Derek falls impossibly more in love.

He lets himself acknowledge for the first time that Stiles might love him back.

And everything else?

It’s worth it.

Because Stiles is worth everything to Derek.

//

2:00 AM Bad Poet

<so I looked at your twitter

>fuck.

>how much did you see?

<all of it

>tight

>please excuse me while I go die now

>bye

<don’t leave yet

<I had something I wanted to ask you

>did you want me to delete the tweets?

>I can do that

>I’ll just delete the whole account

>I am my own worst enemy so this won’t be a problem

>actually Jackson Whittemore is my worst enemy

>but I’m a close second

<stiles?

>yup?

<Will you go on a date with me?

>alkdjf

>yes?

>Ofc yes?

>are you being serious?

>because this would be a cruel prank if you’re not serious

<I’m serious

>yes.

>yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes.

>holy shit

>theres no fucking universe where I say ‘no’ to that question from you

>im so fucking in love with you

>is it too soon to say that?

>I don’t even care

>I’m speaking my truth

>you obviously don’t have to say it back

>im going to woo you so hard Derek

>you’ll have to love me back eventually

>I’m going to write you poetry

>hell I’ll even read poetry for you

>ill give the whole fucking moon to you

<why would I want the moon?

<im not gru?

>despicable me

>that was a despicable me reference.

>you don’t listen to music, but you watch despicable me?

>you’re such an enigma to me Derek

>god I love you so much

<stiles?

>too much?

<no

<I don’t think I could ever have too much of you

<I love you too stiles

<so much

<I just don’t want you to get your hopes up

<I might not be able to live up to it in real life

>impossible

<seriously stiles

>I am being serious

>I’m already in love with you Der

>you don’t have to do anything more than you’ve already done

>you could wear a potato sack, and spend the whole night not saying anything at all

>and I would still be in love with you

>all you have to do now is show up

<…I can do that

>perfect

//

TWO YEARS LATER

@stilesstilinski

Hey @JacksonWhittemore, remember when you told me I would die alone? Well I just got engaged to the love of my life. So checkmate fucker.

[5499h]

Gothic

Oh oops its past 12:30 am

I had it in my hands..?

Brain randomly declaring songs the Only Thing you will Listen To until... eventually

Eyelid no longer work, I'm not sleeping just my eyes have unexpectedly sh... *Falls asleep*

Me no understandy Task, me no do Task, just sit here be stress

"No that's Not what I MeaNt"

Deja Vu is a physical sensation

Five Minutes More but every second of life

i wanna do thing. im gonna do it. gonna. .. gonna do it

*clicking noises half an hour later* wait i didn't do it

always looking at the floor when u walk 

emotion is in the now. not five minute ago and not five minute later.

Music I like can be as loud as I want and I focus fine but talking in class is a cardinal sin

oh man. I’m alive. oh. my body is sitting. on the chair. oh I’m. breathing.

oh shit i STILL haven't done it

“hey i know i never talk to you but heres a meme and also what was the homework” sent 6:33 PM

idk how long this has been in my drafts

i dont understand exactly what im supposed to do so i will, instead of making logically supported assumptions as to what the task entails and carrying them out, freak out and not move

oh Boy my friend hasnt been talking with me lately, ive got just the solution * jumps off cliff*

hey did i decide to go to bed earlier or��

i had like 421 google docs in my drive last time i counted

Loud noise cause ouch , sorry I don't make the rules

diD I HEAR SOMEONE SAY [thing maybe related to The Subjects of Great Interest]

This has been in my drafts for months.

Did I always have this symptom or am I just now noticing it or am I making it all up

*screen brightness 0% with a darkness filter for nighttime use*

Wears like five different outfits max

Lowkey into drama sometimes

Looking at someone's eyes while talking is Hard but I'm the ultimate staring contest boss . Stone cold

Staking ur self worth on trivial shit AKA if I can successfully do five math problems I'm not a piece of trash

I'll get around to actually posting this one day

[lasercruz]

@quarterdollar​ fuck you and im sorry that i took so long to answer and i hope that im mostly coherent because i am. very tired as im typing this

1: Full name Nicky Jackie Marie Cruz !!

2: Age 21

3: 3 Fears Mold, tall heights if I’m not secured (like, I’m not scared of rollercoaster heights but I’m scared of like, cliffs), and balloons esp balloon animals

4: 3 things I love I love so many things uhh hh h. Jjba, adventure zone, and my friendssss 💞

I know turn ons/offs aren’t inherently sexual but i never know what to say for them so im skipping them :0

7: My best friend you 🥺🥺

8: Sexual orientation bi

9: My best first date ive never really been on a actual date :0

10: How tall am I 5′3

11: What do I miss being with my friends physically and just watching stuff or goofing around on the floor 😭

12: What time were I born 11:02pm

13: Favourite color Dark blues

14: Do I have a crush yes shh

15: Favourite quote there so much sappy quotes that are on uquizzes a lot that i like a lot the first that comes to mind is “ You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won’t tell you that he loves you, but he loves you.” and so on and also “if i loved you less i might be able to talk about it more”

16: Favourite place As far as just physically and not like people or other stuff that comes with with a place, I miss VT campus a lot tbh more than I thought I would. To pick a more specific place, the gazebo at the duck pond cause its where I’d go if I wanted to be alone or like if my roommate was sleeping or working and i didnt want to worry about being quite and it was always super peaceful

17: Favourite food I dont really have One favorite food it just depends what I’m in the mood for but my go to answer for favorite food category wise is either chinese or seafood

18: Do I use sarcasm Depends who I’m with ?? Generally no not often but if im close with someone and just goofin yeah

19: What am I listening to right now My love song playlist. its my go to thing to listen to cause my playlist with all my music has so much on it that i end up skipping half the songs until i find something im in the mood for and this one has a lot less that i end up skipping. the current song its on is day without you by keep for cheap

20: First thing I notice in new person It depends on the person like if they have something that stands out about them, thats what I tend to notice but like. How they carry themself i guess ? cause i feel like thats a easy way to get a read on somebody before talking to them

21: Shoe size 5 mens / 7 womans

22: Eye color Brown

23: Hair color Naturally dark brown but currently dyed black with rainbow bangs

24: Favourite style of clothing this question is on so many ask games and quizzes and I never know how to answer it cause i feel like i dont really have one specific style,, I like colorful and fun stuff i guess ?

25: Ever done a prank call?  No and if you prank call a place of business youre annoying. i used to answer phones at work and we didn’t get them super often but GOD i hate prank callers

27: Meaning behind my URL emu is an old nickname and what i mainly went by until i settled on Nicky and this. is my blog.

28: Favourite movie Baby driver !!

29: Favourite song my go to answer for this is community gardens by the scary jokes

30: Favourite band THE SCARY JOKES

31: How I feel right now sleeby,,,,

32: Someone I love i love , my friendz ,, 🥺🥰

33: My current relationship status single ✌️

34: My relationship with my parents im close to my mom but i dont really get along with my dad ,

35: Favourite holiday Christmas !

36: Tattoos and piercing i have no tattoos, 3 piercings in each ear (2 on each earlobe and 1 on the top on each side)

37: Tattoos and piercing i want I want a interrobang on my wrist and an Aquarius symbol on my ankle and MAYBE the joestar birthmark, i wouldn’t mind more ear piercings and i want a septum piercing but ive seen videos of them getting done and they make me squirm i dont know if id go through with it

38: The reason I joined Tumblr sdklgkjgh i had a my little pony roleplay blog before i made my personal account

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other? no we’re good friends !!

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? no not regularly at least

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? no

42: When did I last hold hands? my mom tried to hold my hand when i was half asleep on the couch the other day but like i was so out of it so like it was more our fingers together and the rest of my hand just loosely dangling so if that doesnt count, you

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? i give myself about 2 hours if im doing full makeup but thats purposefully longer than i need so i dont have to worry about rushing and i can relax and take my time

44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? no i only shave them if they’re gonna be showing or if the Urge to be Smooth comes over me

45: Where am I right now? my room at home on my bed

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? probably Kaylie cause she doesn’t drink and i assume if im drunk with other friends there she’d be the only sober one

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? Reasonable, if i have it too loud i cant think so the only time i  have my music loud is if im doing nothing and want to Not Think

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? Ye

49: Am I excited for anything? short term im excited for the ai crushes all banks stream tonight and long term im excited to move into our apartment 

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? no im not a tell everything to someone type of person .

51: How often do I wear a fake smile? i smile most of the time like, at work (before we wore masks) id always be smiling to look nice and like. just in general if i want to Not Look Unhappy or whatever

52: When was the last time I hugged someone? my mom probably like, yesterday

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? ive never kissed any1     .

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?  nope i don’t think i really trust easily so like this doesnt rlly happen,

55: What is something I disliked about today? i woke up late cause i was up late last night so ive been tired all day I dont like the feeling

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? language barriers aside itd be super cool to meet hirohiko araki

57: What do I think about most? Whatever media im currently most into so right now adventure zone and magnus archives

58: What’s my strangest talent? umm i dunno im kinda flexable i guess ? not like ~contortionist~ level but like enough that i can freak people out sometimes

59: Do I have any strange phobias? i mentioned balloons as a fear in an eariler question so yeah that but im a lot better about it than i used to be

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? in front tbh

61: What was the last lie I told? i was on phones for the last hour and a half of my shift on friday and like. when people call and ask if an item is in stock and i can’t confirm it i, just tell them its not. like, someone asked if we had a specific kayak and i usually just search the walmart app or run over to where itd be to check but the kayaks are to far for me to run to and the app said limited stock which usually means little to none so , i just put it on hold for a bit then tell him we’re out.

62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online? i like video chatting in theory cause its nice to see people visibly react to stuff but i tend to get too self conscious about how i look so i  just do audio only

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? yes to both !! i am both

64: Do I believe in magic? yes in some ways i suppose

65: Do I believe in luck? yes im v superstitious

66: What’s the weather like right now? its a pretty good day its sunny but not too hot :oo

67: What was the last book I’ve read? its been ages since i last read a book in full 😔  i honestly dont knwo what the last one would of been 😔 😔

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline? yes !!! love it

69: Do I have any nicknames? not anything i get consistently called no

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? ive never gotten super hurt that i can think of ??

71: Do I spend money or save it? save it

72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge? no

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me? doppio bean plush ,,,,

74: Favourite animal? hedgehogs!!!!

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? on my phone probably on tiktok or something waiting for jojo to come on toonami

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is? I? dont think he has one i guess ??

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? butterflies by samsa but it makes me happy in the “im crying now” kinda way itss cute

78: How can you win my heart? just by being nice and respectful tbh ,

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? idk i dont really want anything fancy just my name (chosen name please god im so scared of dying and geting my birth name on my tombstone if that happens i WILL come back as a vengeful ghost) and my birth and death dates

80: What is my favorite word? saccharine

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr by my tumblr crushes (which its been YEARS since i looked at) ; frostios, 27names4tears, smollpurrito, happynaru, and warpedlamp

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? if we being real id just get so scared dsjkfsldjglg  theres so much i could say i dont know :((

83: Do I have any relatives in jail? not ? that i know of 

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? why are all the questions worded super basic except this one skdlskdjfj. Shape shifting

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? i can really think of anything really as long as a friend is asking i tend to answer truthfully ?

86: What is my current desktop picture? Sobble BUT this reminded me that i wanted to change it to a xenoblade pic so its this now :

90: Failed a class? no

91: Kissed a boy? no

92: Kissed a girl? no

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? no but oh god just thinking about that im 🥺🥺🥺🥺 id die id melt 🥺🥺

94: Had job? ye i was a cashier for a year in highschool and then i work in wamlart apparel in the summers

95: Left the house without my wallet? not when I know ill need it no, but ive left it home if im just going to a friend or family member’s house or i have my mom’s card or some cash in my pocket

96: Bullied someone on the internet? no !!

98: Played on a sports team? no lmao i dont do sports

99: Smoked weed? no

100: Did drugs? i had a weed brownie like once but it was such a small piece i didnt really feel anything

101: Smoked cigarettes? no

102: Drank alcohol? Ye

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? not currently i was vegan for a little bit to encourage a friend that was doing it though

104: Been overweight? no

105: Been underweight? no

106: Been to a wedding?  yes three, my grandma’s when she got remarried, and both my brothers

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? probably yes lmao often

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? not TV TV but if netflix and the like count then yes

109: Been outside my home country? no :(

110: Gotten my heart broken? not ? really no

111: Been to a professional sports game? ive been to a handful of Yankee games

112: Broken a bone? no

114: Been to prom? yes i went to my highschool’s and a friend’s highschool’s my senior year

115: Been in airplane? no

116: Fly by helicopter? no

117: What concerts have I been to? none :((((

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? ye

119: Learned another language? i took 3 years of Spanish in high school but i wasn’t any good at it and dont really remember much of what i did learn

120: Wore make up? yes i do often :0

123: Dyed my hair? ye a lot

124: Voted in a presidential election? yes ever since iv been old enough to i vote

125: Rode in an ambulance? no

126: Had a surgery?  dental surgery yes

127: Met someone famous? Not anyone i’d count no

128: Stalked someone on a social network? depends on what you count as stalking i guess but like not ever in a creepy way like ive been on people’s social media to find out stuff about them like. if theyre in a relationship or especially after highschool ill wonder about someone i havent talked to in awhile and ill see what theyve been up to and what theyre doing with their life and stuff

129: Peed outside? no

130: Been fishing? yes like once

131: Helped with charity? donation wise yes

132: Been rejected by a crush? ive never confessed to anyone and been rejected but once a friend told my crush i liked them and they confronted me about it and rejected me but it made me more mad at the friend that told them than it made me sad about being rejected because i knew it’d probably go like that  and it justmade thing awkward between us for awhile  😔

133: Broken a mirror? ive broken the little mirrors inside eyeshadow pallets but i havent broken full ones

134: What do I want for birthday? usually just money lol or something thoughtful and cute

135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names? i aggresivly do NOT want kids BUT hypohetically Elliot or Xander for a boy and idk what i’d nam a girl

136: Was I named after anyone? no

137: Do I like my handwriting?  its messy so no not really but if im writing something for myself like a not or whatever i dont mind as long as i can read it

138: What was my favourite toy as a child? even as a little kid i always played computer games but other than that, this guy :

139: Favourite Tv Show? Jojo

140: Where do I want to live when older? New york or japan

141: Play any musical instrument? i can kind of play harmonica

142: One of my scars, how did I get it? i burnt my thumb kinda bad on the oven a while ago its still kinda healing but right now it looks like its gonna stay a scar

143: Favourite pizza toping? i like everything/suprieme pizza but if i have to pick one single topping pepperoni

144: Am I afraid of the dark? yes :((

145: Am I afraid of heights? mentioned it earlier but yes if im not strapped in or secured etc

146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? no im so scared of being caught doing something bad that i just. dont

147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? i mean yes but thats life babey

149: What my greatest achievments are ive gotten awards for grades and stuff but that boring BUT i got the english department award or whatever that was called im very proud of that

151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery i donate some and save the rest tbh

152: What do I like about myself i can be pretty  sometimes 👉👈 im cute or whateva ,,,

153: My closest Tumblr friend i dont really havent “tumblr friends” aside from friends i know irl and also tey have tumblrs ,,

154: Something I fantasise about just. growing up and having my own place maybe with someone and. being comfortable and  okay and not having to worry ,,

155: Any question you’d like? dkfjhdskhf japan :000