rough 2am poetry under cut, will probably delete in the morning
i know it is because my emotions are too big for me to contain.
i know these feeling intimately; they are held close as they would shred me, flay me open and bare for all to see if they were expressed as i need them to be.
i know them, yet they are unnamed. they will remain unnamed as i can hardly describe the shape of them, let alone the sound they will make ripping out of my chest
i know my desires for expression are overwhelming, my worries and anxieties insurmountable in this paralyzing fear. worst case scenarios rapidly become the only possible outcome.
what if im right? god help me if im correct about any of this
i like solitude, i find my own company most rewarding. But
i don’t want to be alone.
i wish to hold and be held in ways that heal, but what if that’s too familiar a request? can you really ask that of anyone, guilt free? without creating more hurt, more harm in your path?
penny for your thoughts? feedback? comments, critiques? nothing can be worse than what i think about myself!
i worry i remain aloof, distant, un interested when of course the opposite is the truth. obviously
maybe the ruin i fear is inevitable. maybe i’m destruction inherent.
its foolish to hope for any other destination
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man you know i understand why some people are pushing really hard for the idea of mental illness/disorders being as a result of stress in capitalism. i understand that a lot of depression anxiety etc is often triggered by shit ass conditions that exacerbate misery. but i really don't think we should swing all the way in the other direction of "all mental disorders are due to stress and if capitalism didnt exist depression/anxiety/etc would simply Go Away Magically" like. homie. sister. gurl. bruh. i am bipolar. i will basically always be bipolar. i will need to be medicated for my bipolar for the rest of my life because my brain swings back and forth between manic and depressed for lengths of months on end. even when i am very heavily medicated and in a relatively stress-free environment i can still tell that my brain is going back and forth between depressive/manic episodes basically constantly because certain symptoms still display even with the amount of mood stabilizers i'm taking. even if capitalism vanished tomorrow and all world governments were replaced with socialist systems and climate change was suddenly reversed and everyone on the planet lived in harmony, i would still fucking be bipolar and still have manic and depressive episodes. mental illness will never be defined by a one-size-fits-all definition. some people's mental issues are caused by stress. some people's mental issues are exacerbated to unhealthy levels by stress. some people's mental issues will continue to exist regardless of their stress level. all these things can be true at once.
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me 🤝 you
closing at our jobs
I close every night but if you asked me how to close i couldn't tell you ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
its not bad and today was really easy compared to most nights this month but idk i always feel like im bad at it... on the bright side i feel really confident in my book keeping skills lately. also its really flattering to be closing and having my cashiers miss me and then doing a morning shift and having the morning cashiers miss me
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