#im not feeling it but hopefully tomorrow ill get more excited

[microfeelings]

Oh yeah I already have tickets for Mutant Mayhem! Tomorrow! 🥰🥰

[arolesbianism]

I'm starting to see ppl talk abt updating their artfight pages and at first I was like what why it's still months away and then it hit me that by months it was two months and now I'm just silently sweating as my anual side project to remake the eternal gales refs and give them all icons comes back to haunt me

[sweetieupgrade]

tuesday 21/01/25

most important achievements/events of today:

-got up at 5am

-went to the gym for 1,5 hours (7 to 9am, not including changing)

-finished rereading the first part of the odin project and worked on two projects, around 1,5-2 hours total of coding if i dont count the tutorials and reading (look at my github journal entry for 100daysofcoding day 1 tmrw if u want more details)

-finally got my t refilled (theres been tons of issues with the pharmacies here) which should make me get my appetite and energy back

-was only able to passively study today (2-3 hours) but im planning on doing a longer study session tomorrow to catch up :3

-i finished assembling a new shelf for my room that ill hopefully be able to fill and organize by the end of the week

-dnd got canceled again today which is sad cuz i was rlly excited but it also means i get to go to bed earlier and have more time to study for the next few hours

overall my day was quite messy and a bit stressful at some points but i still feel accomplished and fullfilled with what i ended up getting done.

Github log: https://github.com/cinnamon-bee/100-days-of-code/blob/master/log.md

[fearowkenya]

yapping (positive) about Activities

at some point maybe i will ask my friend to video me climbing a v3 . i have video of myself climbing a v0 or v1 but it feels weird to post it bc i was already above that level at the time .

its kind of strange for me to be excited about Sport. i was rly into cycling when I was living in fl and I'd love to go bike consistently when the weather's nice but the area i live in now has such narrow roads and way fewer bike lanes and significantly steeper hills than when i lived in fl which makes biking harder for me. I'd like have to take my bike onto the metro to commute to somewhere im not terrified of getting hit by a car

maybe ill look into that actually. i know of one specific place that would be good for that but unfortunately it's not even remotely close to me. theres gotta be something closer . in the meantime I could bike to my morning shift , tho the way back tends to be more traffic-y than the way there and the busiest road on that route doesn't have a bike lane I haaaaaate it when theres no bike lane . I gotta look for somewhere safer.

anyway bouldering has been so good for me. it's a puzzle so it keeps the adhd brain engaged while also being a physical activity that encourages me to resort to bug scuttling and mountain goat behavior and i really really like it . my endurance has gotten noticeably better and my grip strength improved a lot!! I can open way more work kids' lunch thermoses without having to put on my clown shoes and jingle over to a stronger coworker.

theres a little weights area at the climbing gym and while i dont see myself going out of my way to Lift my friend did teach me how to set myself up to learn to do pull ups!! which is very exciting because when you're not strong enough to lift your own body weight you use a big silly rubber band and that's fun ! I fear I will lose interest when the novelty wears off. but hopefully it doesnt because my arms are pretty weak and I want to be able to throw children effortlessly into the pool (if they ask me to, obviously) like my stronger coworkers

i gotta do smth about my bad posture & weak core tho :/ im not sure how useful core strength is in bouldering??? it might be and im just not at the skill level where that's relevant yet. who's to say . anyway hopefully I go tomorrow...!!

[deepfriedseagullfeet]

so the bad news is that im out of my SSRI and ive been very sick and dizzy the past few days cause my psychiatrist hasnt felt like giving me refills BUT the good news is i have an appointment tomorrow at 8 am which is AWESOME so i can get my MEDS. been feeling super inspired lately to do things probably cause im off my mood stabilizers and also i am dangerously broke and i want to get on that grind to make and sell some stuff so i can stop overdrafting my account. for example i made these t shirts today (im going to redesign the heads but ill sell the 4 that i made) and i want to design more t shirts, possibly with thrifted tees. also might be making clay charms and keychains, i have uv resin which will make them nice and shiny/sturdy. also going to finish my kids themed charm bracelets with handmade charms, might do the trolls versions if enough people like them. ALSO im still working on scripts for my music review tiktok that im still excited about. so many projects but every time i turn my head/move my eyes i feel like im going to throw up (because im off my ssris and withdrawals are a BITCH) so hopefully ill have my meds within the next day or two

[bishiglomper]

JFC

I'm straight up not having a good time D<

My blood sugar feels off. I feel low. (Hungry, shakey, blah) but its high. Well. Not high, but its definitely higher than it should be. And I was a dumdum and played my game until uhh after 5am. I'm so gonna regret that. 🙃

Went to put my drink down and missed the shelf. Splashed all over my night time med area.

I hid what was left of my drink in the back of the shelf, on top of a box. Theres like an inch between the cup and the next shelf. Then I stuck a tall bottle in front of it. Hoping the cat wouldn't fish it out and knock it over

But alas. The little bitch is resourceful. As soon as I'm in bed, she does that shit.

My bloodsugar is probably fucked up because I'm just straight up sick. Have been expelling crud all day. It's trying to settle in my chest.

Did find a covid test. T'was negative, so that does make me feel better. Because this weekend is anime convention. 😬 I guess the air quality shit just really do fuck me up.

Also i had an appointment tomorrow out of town but after feeling like i did today, i cancelled. Also my sister is in a bad place mentally, and she wasnt up to going into the out, either..

Also if I have any hope of doing any convention the day after i need to reserve energy. I was excited to hopefully meet/get an autograph from a VA I've always liked but im very meh about it all now. Honestly if the nephew werent so excited to be pikachu again I'd say fuck it...

Bleeehhhh. Hardly anything is more annoying than a normal boring illness. 😒

[deludedmarimo]

same same!! i struggle a lot with inflection especially… i don’t know how to sound excited even when i feel it!!! i always come off as sarcastic i think!! i get that with my dad a lot too!! he recently got a gag gift from a white elephant at his work and i didn’t know how he wanted me to react !!! i’ve had to practice laughing specifically for him!! it’s tough but definitely worth making them feel better like you said!! and thank you for your well wishes!! i hope so too.. i have some gifts for myself coming at some point but !! they’re not here yet!! did you get any presents that you really wanted?? i’m glad you’re feeling a bit better already!! just a little oopsie!! time to bundle yourself up!! warm and cozy!! i’m happy to keep you company!!!

-🦦

i'm a little bit better with my inflection since i'm used to forcing it so often, but i'm awful with facial expressions ... i often have a deadpan stare since i do not know how to react to things normally. i feel excitement rather easy, but i repress it since a lot of people tell me i'm a bit much ... being an excitable dog is not for the weak ... so i just settle for looking angry 24/7 instead ! i still need to practice my laughing you just reminded me !! i laugh like a hyena apparently, which i take as a compliment, but also ??? is it annoying ???? i wish i could do hearty laughs. .. dads do it so well. i'd say to just be yourself, and that your family should accept you regardless, but i'd just be a hypocrite since i'm also forcing myself. whistles and looks away. ah!!! i hope your gifts arrive soon!!!! i still need to purchase my new lolita clothes, as i hate my current style (full of old clothes ...). what are your gifts, do you know! and yes i did! i asked for a camera specifically, and got it! i didn't ask for anything else since i feel bad for having people spend money on me but, i still got other things that are nice. hopefully i get over my illness soon, as i have plans for tomorrow ... im sure it'll be fine. my body's immune system is shockingly robust ???? perhaps from all the non-food substances i consumed as a kid. nom nom chew.. definitely planning on bundling up in the future !!! i underestimated the cold... how foolish of me.... i enjoy being cold more than being hot, but god i get cold easily !!!!! i'm currently super snug and cozy . i love beds!!!! one day i hope to have a dog bed to curl up in, but for now i settle! life sized dog beds look so cozy..... i know i'm incessantly repeating myself, but thank you again once more!!! you're sweet.

[nathank77]

12/22/24

2:37 p.m Added to Significantly/Changed I wrote an essay.

I did leg day today. I did squats and this other calisthenic added on to what i normally do. It was a nice workout. I've been stretching recently in the stretching cage. Working on my trap a lot. I had to do my legs bc I def had an effective workout...

My trap is probably 95% healed... I might do it tomorrow. Sometimes I think it's 100%, I'd rather be safe than sorry... I wasn't even doing my back more than once a week for a long time and my traps got insanely big very quickly. I'll see how I feel tomorrow.

My biceps hurts and my forearm on only one side. My abs are fine. I actually didn't do any dumbbell exercises on arm and chest day.. I did all machines to maintain proper form. I did lift 40 pounds on just biceps though... I mean maybe that's why. I'll work around it if it hurts tomorrow.... maybe I've been working out so much I've been working around delayed onset muscle soreness... maybe I should do that instead of letting it hurt lol

But yea I'll figure it out tomorrow. My rib cage is starting to show a little and I can feel it. That's a first since basically childhood other than when I was super skinny when I was with cecile.

I can see that dip where my V is going to be when I get nice obliques. My hips are starting to be just skin. Im surprised how effective strength training can be with weight loss. The scale isn't moving... but my stomach is starting to be a thin person's stomach.. I still got a pouch though but it migrated to the center of my belly lol

I got a good hip flexor workout too. I did seated knee tucks.. and the squats. I did this calisthenic where you sit on a box and then stand and just keep doing that. God that killed. I did it until I couldn't stand anymore. I sat and I was stuck lol

I'm excited to do abs tomorrow and work around my bicep that should hopefully be fine by tomorrow. And maybe do my back..

I shaved my face and head today so I'm ready for Christmas. I still don't know what to do about that... do I stay with my mom or go to my dad's? Idk..... the blood has been on my mind still.. but getting less traumatic...sorta... her face got fucked up. Not really fucked up. But it's hard looking at her.

And Idk what to do about Christmas. I wouldn't need more xanax to sleep to stay home on Christmas day but I'll need it both the day before Christmas eve and Christmas eve if I go to my dad's. She will actually be sitting here alone. I do want to see my siblings, dad and Lori on Christmas...

I'm really confused by this and I have mixed feelings. Don't I deserve to see my siblings and my normal family and be around a Christmas tree and have a Christmas dinner and not be around fucking stupid Riley and feel safe and be able to eat??? But then I leave her alone. Idk what to do. She isn't making me feel bad about it at all.... truly... but I feel awful about it anyways.

Idk what to wear to my dad's for Christmas eve. I got all those nice clothes out of that one storage unit skye had me go through a few months ago. I mean I got my orange under armour shirts and a few other nice shirts. I got a bunch of buttons ups and vests and ties. It was a really clean one. I didn't have to go through some guys fucking underwear for that one. I got A LOT of nice clothes from that one. I mean I got my 3 pairs of dickies in different colors. Unfortunately the dress pants didn't fit me... maybe they would now but they are long gone.

I was thinking about wearing a dress shirt and a vest over it with a tie... and just my dickies and high tops bc I'm Nathan fox and yea that's who I am lol or ill just wear a hoodie and a t shirt.. I worry that I'll stain the clothes it's one of my biggest problems... I have decent clothes I won't wear unless I'm not going to eat... bc what if I ruin my nice clothes?? Idk. I sorta want to dress nice. I never see people. I have virtually no reason to ever wear those dress clothes. I always wanted to wear a vest over a button up and look nice and I could...

That Nike hoodie i got from the last storage unit is really nice.... really really nice. Almost new. And I love the color it's green like army green. But I mean i don't want to wear it bc what if I ruin it? It isn't black... I got a blue Adidas ones. It's nice but not amazing. It's thin. I'm going to keep asking my sister bc yea I'm poor enough to decide going through someone's underwear is worth it to find a few treasures...

I like the snow boots. I wish I could buy my own... but I mean i know they were a win... I know they are expensive... but if I could buy my own I wouldn't be worried about posion ivy being on them ...

My poison ivy obsession has gotten so bad i think it's on everything even things Riley never touched...if I don't know where it's been.

I also got a pair of Jordan and a pair of Nike black high tops. Both the boots and Nike high tops are 10.5 i mean tbh I think the Nike high tops are too big... the boots i actually think are a perfect fit funny enough... id need to wear them more to know for sure... but they actually seem to be perfect..

I got jordans too in prob a 9....the Jordan's fit very comfortably but they are kinda not worth keeping bc of condition..... it makes me want a pair of Jordan's though. Considering their condition and how fucking comfortable they are... also they do look nice... all high tops... nice styles..but like hundreds... probably bc they are comfortable... huh?

If I actually quit smoking... I'm going to be disgusting with shoes... I already rewarded myself. You don't even want to know how many shoes i bought myself. Let's just say that shoes are no longer a problem... yes I need like a pair of running shoes... and a pair of boots... maybe a pair of dress shoes.. but high tops... umm i do not need any lol going to 3 cigarettes a day deserved a fucking reward.

Speaking of I got to worry about cigarettes soon. I can probably make it 5 days max with what i have.

I haven't told anyone I'm getting hearing aid and I'm really scared to mention it.. idk how people will react about it. I'd rather tell them, than have them notice and bring it up.

I've been thinking about my dad recently. And especially bc of Christmas with my mom.. both my parents are getting older. My dad is losing it a little with the storage units... his basement which is half finished cause they are adding an extension to it is FILLED with storage unit stuff... Mike was such a cunt about saying i need to ask my dad if I could stay there when I kept saying you dont get it I've been to their house they actually DONT HAVE ANY ROOM for me.

I want to talk to my dad more. I don't want to leave my mom alone... idk what the right decision is.

[ventilation4thesoul]

so, po texted me today and asked for us to get the chance to talk tonight. he was very to the point, she didnt really say a lot which was shocking since they were the one to initatie? but ok i guess, were keeping our distance. They apologized for thursday and for cutting it off, and said it wasnt because i didnt remeber wht they said, it was bc they had other feelinsg from before in our session and had a lot of weird feelings going on, which i can relate to. She wanted to share the score cards we made, but i said i wasnt ready / didnt want to do that. I felt like it would have amde things worse, or raise more questions and negative feelings, which seemed to upset po since they wanted to share them, but like ultimately if i say no you cant press them onto me. i respect your boundaries and so you must respect mine. that is what happens lol. but regardless- we did agreee to share the 3 best moments with each other. mine were in a lot more detail (no suprise lol) but 2 of the moments po chose were really interesting to me.

th first one was from our second (i think?? maaybe third) date at the arcade, and how me taking care of him and comforting them with their fucked up knee made them feel safe, cared for, and like they could be vulnerable with me. the secon one was actually about saturday night, how we had a miscommunication and how later we talked about it, and left each other alone so po coud process his feelings, and that made po feel optimistic about how far we had gone as a couple.

The last one was the least suprsing, i knew he was gonna put this one lol. it was about the first petplay party last acfi, and how well it went and how happy he was to do it. i still have mixed feelings about that party but i did really enjoy it, and i know how important it was to Po.

he left off with "love you, see you Thursday" so i said "i love you too. can i tell you again tomorrow?" and he just replied with "sure" which doesnt make me feel good, but oh well. at least i got a "love you" out of it. Compared to nothing, ill take it.

ALSO MY DBT BOOK GOT SENT TO SWEET CADDIES INSTEAD OF HERE UGH so po's brining it with a few of my other things (idk what those could even be tbh) for me on thursday. pissed about the book bc i wanted to start on that TODAY but oh well. i think i should wait till friday to actually do it since therapy with po is going to be hella draining i bet. but hopefully not, we'll see i supose.

tomorrow im still going out with julianne, and i also wanna do a release ritual since its the eclipse starting technically! excited for that, and excited to keep moving forward with healing.

for right now, i am doing good. Tomorrow will be good to, i know it.

[videostak]

p sure my moms drunk tonight T-T or atleast being weird and slurring her speech a lot idk its hard to tell anymore tho i dont kno when she wouldve even got stuff i guess she went w/ my younger sister and her friend to the grocery store so maybe then? idk tho i feel like she didnt but shes def weird she came into my room earlier to try to tell me that she was gonna give me a 50$ a week allowance for the errands i constantly have to do and i was just like umm no we should talk abt this another time. i hate it cause that seems normal enough and soemthing someone would totally accept until u realize its more hush money than anything and her just trying to pay me off to put up w/ the way she is its like annoyyying and also 2 our family is like not doing good on money i mean we’re still getting by but like kinda always  have to be careful and for my mom to just throw that at me is insane. like makes me wonder why shed even do that then next day warn us all that things are gonna be tight w/ money lol and then like if i were to have taken the money (im not going to obv) but if i did she’d then like hold it against me if i ever call her out on her shit like act like i have to be grateful sooo ya. i hate the way my mom is cause like on days like this when i just have to do shit nonstop she praises me endlessly but then the moment i voice my problems she threatens to kick me out and acts like im the most ungrateful slob of all time. genuinely hypocritical like she really tries to gaslight me into thinking i do absolutely nothing around the house anytime i get annoyed that no one helps around and that im the one who gets chewed out for the house being a mess but then once the dust settles and i havent complained for a week or month or so then she tries to give ME big lectures on how grateful she is and how ia always do stuff w/o complaining and how she wants to send me large amounts of cash to keep up the good work it just makes me siiiick. like makes me feel like frowing up. anyways idk me driving and everything like being able to drive my siblings places normal style and also me hoping i can go to the movies w/ my mom like that independence makes it not feel as crushing as it used to. and like ill have to see how this record store thing goes and if not i can find a job somewhere hopefully soon. thinking abt how transparent my moms intentions are sometimes makes me reallly feel sick tho but like ultimately it doesnt seem to affect me as much as it used to like idk it means nothing to me cause i dont have to rely on her and have gotten better at standing my ground more often both w/ her and w/ my dad and realizing how useless it is to pick sides or to even defend someone in dishonest ways etccc excited to watch playtime tomorrow hopefully idk im gonna go to the mall then watch playtime the criteiron dvd then the brazilian one and see if anythings different in like quality n stufff. and also wanna watch lovers live :)

[qualityempathshoebear]

Fuck and Fucked

Well then, a lot has happened, some good things some bad. Ill update you.

Lets start with the good first, i have my last exam tomorrow (geo and physics) and then I never have to see these fuckers again. Very exciting, right? I have to say that I am thankful that my last couple of week of school havent been hell -I mean, they werent enjoyable but definetly not hell. Severly awkward and uncomfortable, yes, but hellish? No. Im so grateful to the girl group that took me in and made verything more bearable. I wouldnt have gotten through it without them, thats for sure. I have actually laughed-cried a couple of times with them aswell. Theyre great people that deserve great things.

Onto the bad. Yesterday my mom called me before i got home to tell me to meet her in the downstairs bedroom/livingroom/study area. She told me my sister had complained about our dad to CPS and accused him of abuse. She is so dumb. He gets andry sometimes, but he is not abusive. Im honestly so stressed by all of this and I feel this panic and anxiety heaving at my chest. She is so stupid. Does she not understand that dad could be charged, and all of us could be removed from our family. She is so fucking selfish. I talked to her and told her to fix it and she said she would but the worst part is that she isnt even bothered or regretfull at all. She is risking our livelihood and reputation for absoluly nothing. Its dusgusting. My parents have completely given up on her and my dad isnt even angry at her, in fact he is so sick of her he hasnt spoken to her at all. If this goes forward, dad could lose his job and this abuse charge could go on his permenant record and then he cant get a job abroad and move. He (we) would be stuck here, as a criminal.

Im being nice to her now, to keep her in check, and insure that she fixes this. But after this is over, I highly doubt me or anyone else in the family will speak to her again, especially dad.

Despite my problems with my family, they are all i have left. If I lose this too, I will be truly alone, and I dont think I can handle that.

Ps. I know this is silly to say considering the circumstances, but the boy with the same name as that of a south American country (except spelled with a different first letter) stopped talking to me and unfollowed me from instgram a while ago.

Also another unrelated update, my dad started applying to jobs again so hopefully we can move, if this CPS thing gets resolved.

Edit: I just found out that she told her math teacher, who just so happens to be my form tutor, and I have to see him tomorrow morning and all I can do is pretend like I dont know that he knows. I honestly feel so defeated. I just want to die. Luckily, its just 1 more day. Just tomorrow, and then im done for good.

Much love!

[myaquariusheart]

23/4

Yesterday me and Cake started gym and then I had to show her the best Mac and Cheese in the world at the Greyhound. That Mac and Cheese literally make's me so happy when I eat it and I've never felt that about any other food. It's so tasty and I hope no one takes it off the menu. Today Dad took me B&M and I finally got a new carpet for my room but my room doesn't feel complete yet. I still need to sort out my clothes from my laundry bag and I need to put up some pictures on my wall. I have my presentation tomorrow and honestly, inside I am shitting myself big time. I haven't prepared properly or even practiced but I'm hoping I just scrape a pass and I will be happy with that. After that, I need to focus on my dissertation and hopefully be done with all of that. I just finished You so tomorrow Im going to start the second book. I found myself skimming the last few chapters because honestly Joe chats a lot of shit and I can't be bothered with all of it. Like get to the point Joe, we get ur deluded and psychotic but I actually can't be reading it all it's too much. Although I do love the first book I think the last part drags a bit, I never read the second book properly but mostly because it didn't match up with the series on Netflix and I'm pretty sure I was watching it at the same time so my imagination was all messed up with it. So hopefully this time my brain won't get confused. Tomorrow is a new week and I really hope it's going to be a good one. I realised I actually don't work much at the cafe but once Uni is all over I'm going to take up more shifts and hopefully be more active and start gym properly. I'm excited and motivated and it's taken me a long time to be motivated but I think because I'm with someone it's more fun and I'm less shy at the gym. Going gym for me is actually nerve-wracking alone because I do have low confidence and I know no one actually cares but I am super self-conscious of if other people are looking at me and even what they're thinking about me. I need to get over that but it is hard, it's a working progress and hopefully this year I will have some growth. I don't know what I want to do straight away after I graduate but honestly, I'm going to be so proud of myself and hopefully, I can make Mum and Dad proud of me too. I am super bummed I'm not going to get any more financial support from SFE but this is going to help me budget better and hopefully, I can be better at managing my money. I know most of my money gets wasted on clothes and snacks mostly. maybe even vape so I need to try not to lose my vapes as much as that's usually why I constantly need to buy them. I also need to do just a snack shop at the start of the week to stop myself from buying so much daily. I can honestly spend up to £10 a day on snacks and I need to stop. Maybe if I just buy a multi-pack of items it will last longer. I also need to remember to order some more tablets tomorrow. I seriously need to wake up early, I'm aiming for 7am so I can have a wash and then get properly ready for tomorrow. I also need to remember to email Karam my presentation in the morning when I wake up and just take a deep breath and hopefully not have too much anxiety over it. Being confident and not caring and just delivering my presentation needs to be my main priority, I need to get over being shy but I can't help myself, imagine my presentation is rubbish and not good enough? It's just one day and only 10 mins, I can do this and I know ill feel such a weight off my shoulder once it's done. I need to just wake up with a positive mind and energy, but that all comes down to me being on time and getting to uni at a good time. Ideally, I should leave the house at 8-8:30ish so I can get in earlier and go over a few things. Need to stop overthinking but it needs to be done and it's one step closer to finally finishing. Tomorrow I'm also aiming to go the gym but I didn't have time to change my membership, so maybe I can just leave to come home earlier and we can both go in Syd.

[haeroniel-doliet]

God that mood where you both need to do stuff and want to do stuff but both needs are vague and have too many options so you just. Do nothing you want or need to do and realize all the time you had is disappearing. A good time!!!

[shimp-heaven]

...🍽️💀

[biborispavlikovsky]

.

[dearcarnifex]

think i might bring the dear carnifex start date forwards a few years,,, hmm