#im not even that busy anymore im never taking fucking 4 classes again. that shit suckt. and maybe ill get my medication again too

[indigo6f00ff]

he will never be balling

[jungxk]

just one (viii)

summary: the only guy on campus who’s track record trumped that of your best friend’s - park jimin - was jeon jungkook. not that that was a problem…until he set his sights on you.

notes: first of all i wanna thank the people who supported me and encouraged me through one of the worst writers blocks of my life. all the messages and comments are the reason why i finally managed to post this. special thanks to @whippedforkook for helping me with the monstrous tagging process as well as giving me so much praise. and also @lonelyending for cheering me on for a literal YEAR bc thats how long i cried over this fic! this story is so special to me. we’re in the home stretch now x

warnings: mentions of illegal drug use and distribution, swearing, brief smut.

genre: drama, romance, humour, college!au

wordcount: 8k

tagging: @cutechim @benz-biarritz @gyukult @bangulin @eatersanonymous @alyssa1926 @skivv1es @a-sucker-for-them-sappy-shit @moonights @jeymuffins @juuneaux @catsukiii @andreaisaac @whatheydontunderstand @sreveles @noruls619 @henryharios @just-a-fuxked-up-kid @befriendswithj @btsbesharam @poemsandpunani @taelha @misosoup-forthesoul @jikooksmut @heart-eyedmf @the-piano-woman @angrysunshine @chaoticpaperfanhoagie @jsungshine @ci-yen @faby-montana @shinypeanutsportshero @jooniestrivia @alucards-s @cynamyngirl @jiminie-angel @myskoova @jkshoneybuns @smokintae @remmykinsff @majinbuwu @jangx2manboongx2 @potatodogs @seul-queen @alpharyth @blenxxxg @plsky @th-singularity @bapbaptothetop @hermiones-enchantment @stomachfilledwithbutterflies @euphorora @supachloe94 @jiminxjimout @ggukkieland @just-another-fic-recs-blog @jalexad​

part i // part ii // part iii // part iv // part v // part vi // part vii // part viii // part ix // part x

x

4 years ago

x

jimin hated yugyeom.

well, maybe hate was a strong word. he just didn't like talking to him, being around him, hearing his name or interacting with him on any level, social or otherwise. he really tried though, since he was one of jungkook's closest friends and still respectfully referred to him as hyung above all else. and if anything, jimin would always have a soft spot for jungkook, the kid he used to coddle when his own brother wasn't around. but having said that, there wasn't really much basis for not liking yugyeom. it was just a gut feeling jimin couldn't explain, a very subtle callousness about him only jimin could pick up on. for the most part he was just like very other mild mannered boy by day and party animal by night, but jimin still ducks when he sees him enter the library.

"fuck," he hisses under his breath, scooping up his laptop to stride behind a book shelf for good measure. because sometimes, contrary to popular belief, jimin wanted to be alone. he didn't want to make small talk or listen to someone tell him about how well they scored on their last paper or complain about their annoying girlfriend. sometimes jimin wanted to have no thoughts and listen to fleetwood mac as per his human rights. which is why he shoves into the first private study room he sees.

and not an empty one at that. there's a girl inside, sitting cross-legged in her chair at a desk with an array of dried up paint tubes and brushes surrounding open sketchbooks. you don't look annoyed or even that phased, just amused as you give him a once over before going back to painting. "on the run from solji?"

jimin blinks, back still pressed against the door. "huh?" he regards you properly. "i'm sorry, have we met before?"

"not really," you admit with a sheepish smile, which is when jimin suddenly realises that you're...attractive. "solji is in my stats class. you hooked up with her last week at some party and she told me about it."

"oh," jimin takes in your plethora of art supplies. "you don't look like a stem student."

there's a glimmer of something in your eyes, and though you hide it well jimin knows he's struck a nerve. "yeah, i get that a lot."

"it's not solji by the way," jimin clarifies. for some reason. "that i'm hiding from. just a bellend i don't have the energy for right now."

you smile. "it's fine. you don't owe me your life story."

"i do when i'm about to impose on your...study time," jimin peers through the window in the door, wincing when yugyeom enters the hallway. "what would it take for you to let me stay in here for a while?"

you pause for a second. "honestly? just be quiet and leave me alone. is that okay?"

jimin perks up, a weight leaving his chest. "perfect, actually."

x

x

x

[jungkook 11:42pm]: why does it say wings on it

[jungkook 11:42pm] where is it flying

[you: 11:43pm] ffs kook

[you: 11:44pm] im still on the toilet can u just hurry up

[you 11:44pm] grab some tampons too pls

[jungkook 11:46pm] fine what size pussy do u wear

[you 11:46pm] i hate u

[jungkook 11:53pm] ???? ? ? well? ????

[you 11:54pm] REGULAR 

jungkook giggles at his phone, already having left the women's sanitary aisle to grab some chocolate. months later and teasing you was still bundles of fun. he knew for a fact that you were sat there with that angry pout on your face, nose crinkled. he had never bought anything like this before, but jungkook had enough brain cells to know that chocolate was another necessity for that time of the month. after grabbing a large hazelnut bar, he pauses beside the oreos before grabbing a packet of those too. just for good measure. he strides to the self checkout - because even he wasn't man enough for the cashier yet - nearly dropping his array of sanitary products and confectionary when somebody calls out his name from behind the queue.

"kook!" the voice is unmistakably yugyeom's, confirmed by the hand that clamps jungkook over the shoulder and swivels him round before he could think about hiding his socially compromising shopping items. it takes a second for yugyeom to notice, doing a double take at the pads atop his small tower of goods. he holds back a laugh, balancing a bottle of gin in one hand while he waves back at some friends to continue. they were clearly making their pit stop before a night out, probably pre's if they still start as late as jungkook remembers. with his hair styled and expensive cologne lingering, jungkook almost forgets he probably looks unrecognisable in his sweats and cotton-fresh hoodie. friday nights weren't for cuddling. still, yugyeom's smile is welcoming and familiar. "got the munchies? and maybe also a uterus?"

"shut up," jungkook grumbles, averting his eyes. he shifts to his other foot uncomfortably. "my friend just needed a favour, that's all."

"uh huh," yugyeom gives him a teasing look. "is this friend the reason why i barely saw you at jin's the other week?"

jungkook blinks back at him. "wait, you were at that party? i had no idea!" a boyish smile breaks over his face. "why didn't you call me? i haven't seen you since-"

"minseok-hyung's new years eve party," yugyeom throws his head back with a laugh. "remember how we ended up on a boat after the ball dropped and-"

"spent all of new years day detained by the coast guard!" jungkook finishes with a mischievous cackle of his own, nearly dropping the tampons in the process. "fuck, that was so much fun! we need to meet up again, i haven't been out with the guys in so long."

"well no wonder," he quips a brow at jungkook's shopping again. "word got out you're a family man but i didn't believe it. until now, that is."

jungkook's smile falls. "what do you mean?"

yugyeom looks at him for a second, confused by jungkook's surprise. yugyeom was never quite as diplomatic as namjoon or yoongi, to put it lightly. and definitely nowhere near as accomodating as jimin. which is why his next words make jungkook's back stiffen. "bro, look at yourself. you got dairy milk in one hand and tampax in the other. on a friday night. the next time i see you i wouldn't be shocked if you had a baby buggy and a mortgage." still, yugyeom throws him an apologetic look. like a mouse caught in a trap. "face it, kook. you're old news."

"what? that's not true," his brows furrow unhappily. "i don't know what you're talking about. it's not like she's my..."

he can't say the word, but it hangs between them like a dead weight.

"yeah, right," the condescending look on yugyeom's face was starting to agitate him. "you totally blanked us at jin's after she showed up. not even just jin's..." he thinks twice about holding his tongue, but as always, decides against it. "i don't know you, jungkook. whoever this new jungkook is. it's been months. you used to hit us up and be independent and spontaneous and wild and now you're just...someone's boyfriend.

"stop fucking saying that," jungkook snaps, all visible signs of friendliness gone.

"why?" a beat. "do you even use a wrap with her anymore?"

jungkook splutters, heat rushing to his ears and hands in a stinging combination of anger and embarrassment. "how is that any of your business? the fuck are you asking me something like that, as if you-"

"thought so," yugyeom looks away from him with a sigh. if anything, yugyeom knew never to overstay his welcome but that clearly backfired tonight. "whatever, jungkook," he looks over his shoulder at him. "guess you're the last one to find out you're officially married."

"you're ridiculous," jungkook scoffs. "all this over condoms? grow up, yugyeom."

"only couples do it raw," yugyeom turns away from him, alcohol in tow as he waves a hand over his shoulder to join his friends like jungkook was nothing but a lost cause. "you would remember that if you still had game."

jungkook stands there, dumbfounded while the group of boys exit the store noisily but he can't hear a thing. the siren that had been itching the back of his mind all this time was suddenly there at full force, right between his eyes. the glaring truth that yugyeom might be right makes his knees buckle. all those rules jungkook once had, all those measures he kept in place to protect his liberty, to prevent this very occurence - where were they? what happened to them? as the sweet and accommodating counterpart to jimin, why had you never complied? though, the blame wasn't on your hands alone. he got complacent, comfortable. lenient. and now without even realising he was here, a scene from a romcom in the middle of the night, with nothing to say for himself but fuck. the realisations wouldn't stop racing, one after another on the conveyer belt of his anxiety.

the photos on his phone; mostly you. time spent, usually with you. the portfolio for his latest photography module also had some resemblance to your interests. charcoal pencils, night drives, orchids. like the ones you always drew on any scrap of paper lying around. now that he thinks about it, he's seen nothing but your orchids for months. and not just that - you wore his clothes sometimes too. his bathroom had your toothbrush, contraceptive pills and coconut shampoo. his closest friends, his hyungs...not one of them was devoid of affection for you. he wasn't even confident that if the choice was presented, they would still pick him over you.

by the time jungkook finishes paying and practically sprints to his truck in a daze, he can hardly keep himself from shaking. he palms the wheel compulsively, he could feel the sweat in his sideburns, hoodie suddenly suffocating him. it smelled of you.

and then, like a final curtain call: was he just your latest fixer-upper project? some good girl wet dream to play out in the wake of your emotionally traumatic past? a slap in the face to seokjin, maybe, and nothing more? when you were done, when he was out of your system, when you knew his taste by heart and had nothing new left to try - would you stay? did you even know how to?

did he?

jungkook starts the engine. he drives to your door, drops your bag of snacks and pads on the porch, and texts you before leaving. he does not go inside.

x

x

x

"you sure you'll be okay with just the boys?"

you scoff at seulgi when she pins you with a worrying look, taking some of her clothes out of her bag to re-fold them just so you had something to do with your hands. jisoo had already left for the long weekend with her family, so there was no one there to fill up the empty space between your awakward reply. you didn't know how to tell the girls that jungkook hadn't contacted you in nearly a month. and even though he was a notable flight risk from the beginning, you couldn't help but feel like there was hostility there. every now and again he'd at least send a nude or have a quick phone call when he was drunk or high at three in the morning, but you hadn't heard a peep from him. you couldn't stand the idea of someone you cared about harbouring comtempt for you, but the fear of reaching out and somehow making the situation worse outweighed it tenfold. 

you look up to see seulgi still staring at you with concern. "of course i'll be fine! they're boys, not piranhas."

"at least piranhas contribute our ecosystem. boys just cause problems for the hell of it," seulgi lays a hand on the crown of your head like a berating big sister, swivelling you to look at her in your fit of giggles. the urge to nestle you under blankets like a baby bird made her chest heave, and you could tell. "i'm serious. if jimin tries anything, call me immediately okay?"

"jimin?" you snort. "out of a room full of delinquents, my ex, and taehyung, you're worried about jimin of all people?"

seulgi wrinkles her nose. "god, when you say it like that its like i'm throwing you to the dogs." she pauses. "something's up with jimin. i don't know what it is, but he's...off."

you tilt your head innocently, remembering the brief interaction you had with hobi at seokjin's party. you had been so caught up in jungkook - or lack thereof - you hadn't thought to press him about it afterwards. in truth, jimin remained as...jimin as ever. if he was acting differently you certainly couldn't tell. "you think so?"

"mmm," she leans on the lip of the open suitcase thoughtfully. "but maybe with jungkook there, he'll behave himself."

you gulp, fiddling with his watch on your wrist anxiously. "maybe."

x

x

x

you nearly yelp when you feel a big hand swivel around your waist, bucking into the kitchen counter reflexively. jungkook always did this before rubbing his boner against your ass, but the light scent of citrus and short squeeze lets you know immediately that its taehyung. hoseok, jimin, namjoon and yoongi were still in the living room playing video games, giving taehyung the perfect opening to intercept you. namjoon and yoongi had insisted that you come over to their place after finding out you'd be alone for the weekend, and you had completely refused before taehyung's coaxing. and of course, jimin's persuasive nudging. even though you felt safe and relaxed here, it felt wrong to be in jungkook's friends' place without him. almost like a breaching of an unspoken boundary.

and clearly, taehyung picked up on your discomfort by the way he stared at you so softly. his back was to the sink, his sillhouette particularly long and lean this evening. "you need to lighten up, princess. you keep looking over your shoulder so much it's making me nervous!"

your visibly droop with a sigh. "i'm sorry tae. i've had a lot on my mind lately, and..."

he claps his hands on your shoulders, teeth peeking through his grin. "you're not doing anything illegal by being here without jungkook."

you wince at his name. "have you always been able to read my mind like this?"

"absolutely," taehyung's brown eyes look so rich up close. "you're allowed to have friends that are also his friends, because - and try to stick with me on this - relationships between people are allowed to be independant from the primary circles they met in. mind boggling concept, i know."

you wack him on the chest until he laughs. "stop making fun of my anxious thought processes! its called mental illness, sherlock! i can't help it!"

his nose scrunches cutely, enjoying your first fiery outburst of the day. "whatever. i call it not getting laid for a month and losing critical thinking abilities from it."

you gape at him indignantly while taehyung roars with laughter. "you're such a dickhead," you hiss through gritted teeth, yanking his hair and jabbing your fingers in his sides the way you would with jimin during a tickle fight. "whores have feelings too, taehyung! whores have feelings too!"

you both fall about with laughter, knocking over half the snacks on the counter in the process which only makes the pair of you laugh even more. it's such childish chaos trying to clean up the mess on the tiny kitchen floor that neither of you notice the front door open, or the gust of metaphorical and literal wind that follows. watching taehyung trying to salvage a bag of broken crisps is just so funny that the presence of an another voice in the living room goes unregistered, as do the footsteps leading up the hallway to the kitchen, so you have no time to brace yourself or properly pull yourself together with you see-

"...jungkook."

yours and taehyung's heads snap to the doorway. jungkook stands there with almost complete lack of emotion on his face to the pair of you kneeling in crumbs and napkins. there's a brief pause where the tension in your eye contact alone was so strong that it felt wrong to breathe. but it is shortlived. jungkook tiptoes over you like spilled milk, reaching for a glass of water. you and taehyung lock eyes while the tap runs in the awkward silence. "hey. you okay?"

"um," you're not sure whether to stand up, hug him, look at him, or even face him. "yeah! yeah, i'm fine."

he nods politely. "hyung?"

even taehyung looks visibly uncomfortable. "i'm good."

"cool. see you later," he says, downing the glass impressively fast before leaving the room just as fast as he entered it.

you and taehyung stare at each other again, not understanding why you both feel like kids caught eating cake before dinner. you could feel the sweat pricking at your back from the realisation. jungkook had no idea you'd be here, and given that interaction he'd probably want to leave now. there was always the inkling woven between his radio silence that he was done with you, but you never let yourself take it seriously out of logic. because how could months of passion and tenderness and honesty be undone so irrevocably like that? it didn't make sense. you hadn't changed. you were the same girl he hit on relentlessly and chased against all odds. so what was different now?

"____," taehyung calls your name gently, and it's only then you realise you're already up and trailing after jungkook into the living room. when you walk in he's already putting his shoes on to leave again, barely making eye contact with you while he chats absently to his hyungs so he can look busy. the four boys on the large sofa can only reply wearily, eyes darting between the pair of you like a firework was about to blow to soon. and it was.

you could feel it in your throat, under your breast bone, bubbling up your stomach. "wait, jungkook. um...h-how have you been? i haven't heard from you in-"

"i've been good," he keeps tying and re-tying his laces without looking up. "super busy. you know how it is."

his curtness makes you flinch. this same time last month jungkook used to kiss you senseless before he had both feet in the door. he'd ring the doorbell incessantly like a child and greet you with the biggest, toothiest grin you had ever seen. he'd make fun of your bed head and squeeze your cheeks until you'd snap at him. and now when he looked at you he hated every second of it. your mother had the same look. your eyes start to burn involuntarily. "yeah, i do. how is uni? your final project is due soon, right? what theme did you pick in the end?"

"the one i told you about," he stands up abruptly. "sorry, noona. something came up. i'll see you arou-"

"something came up?" you step closer to him. "something came up the second you saw my face? or did you really just trek all the way to your hyungs' place for a glass of water, jungkook?"

jungkook stiffens, but is determined not to lose face. and it's difficult to do under your big, accusatory eyes and jimin's death stare at his back. the whole room was waiting for his response, so he just shoves his hands in his pockets resolutely. "i needed to see yoongi hyung, but i can come another time."

you fold your arms. "well it's clearly important, and you're here now. so don't let me stop you."

"but you will stop me," jungkook snaps. "that's the problem."

"kook-ah," yoongi warns quietly, but he took one look at your face and knew the damage was done. jimin was already standing up, circling around the back of the sofa towards you. the red lights were all there; your watery eyes, your trembling hands. every breath you took looked difficult for you to complete and only jimin noticed.

"what are you talking about?" you squint. it takes you a second to understand; yoongi's guilty expression, jungkook's indifference. "oh, you're fucking kidding me." your resolve breaks for a second turning away only to glare back at jungkook with so much fire you can hardly stand it. "you're selling again? are you insane, jungkook?"

"see," jungkook's eyes are stony. "i knew you'd get this way."

"what other way am i supposed to get?" his lack of response only infuriates you more. it felt disrespectful. "jungkook, you're not a kid anymore. if you get caught with drugs the consequences are serious! forget the potential jail time, you could get kicked out of university, it would go on your record forever and-"

"stop talking to me like i'm a kid!"

"then stop acting like one!" you hate raising your voice, but it keeps climbing without your approval. "did you think about this for even five minutes? this isn't like just going to juvie like before and being done with it jungkook. your hyungs can't bail you out of everything."

"this is a lot of talk for someone who lapped up those fancy paints without a second thought," jungkook says darkly. his eyes aren't like you remember, his face solemn and near unrecognisable. "or did you think that getting that kind of money overnight is only something that's possible through daddy's credit card?"

dread blooms like a garden inside you. "that's...that's how you bought the paint set?"

"welcome to the real world," he quips. "as if selling overpriced weed to a bunch of pick-me-freshmans is considered a crime against humanity to anyone but you."

"you think that's why i'm yelling at you right now?" your voice was growing hoarse, desperate. "you think that's the problem i have with you being literal drug dealer, jungkook?"

he hates it. the sweltering silence, the judgmental eyes digging into his back, the slow realisation that the tears in your eyes were not at him but for him. jungkook's ears ring enough to make him sway on the spot if his feet weren't planted so firmly on the dingy carpet, this metaphorical ground. he couldn't shake the feeling that his lifestyle was only an issue now because of you, how he never felt a shred of guilt about any of this shit until he met you. and if there was anything that jungkook never responded well to, it was pity. and he could feel it from every person in the room, all people that that once cherished and coddled him until you came along. he swallows, throat dry from the way he couldn't look at you knowing what he was going to say next.

"you're embarrassing yourself, noona. you're not my girlfriend and you never were, so stop acting like it."

cotton. it's very faint, under the layers of conflicting cologne and beer and smoke, but jungkook still smelled of cotton while he spat acid. nobody could speak, even though jungkook never raised his voice let alone a hand to you, it still hit like a slap in the face. it sunk into the walls, your clothes, suddenly every hair on your body felt heavy with it. dirty. the shame came first, the humiliation next. and then the sorrow, the dread, and finally the defeat. you knew the stages well by now, and they were cycling through you like clockwork. how foolish you were, to make the same mistake again. nobody dared to move, everyone but jungkook staring at you in denial and horror. they couldn't believe their eyes when you nod steadily, bowing your head to the floor.

jimin is already slotting himself between you, his jaw tight. "that's enough, kook. just leave already."

"no," you stop him, unnervingly resigned. that single word cuts through all six men with ease. "he's right." you step around jimin, closing the space between you and jungkook. for a brief moment he wonders if you'll actually hit him, but somehow watching you unclasp his watch from your wrist and drop it on the coffee table in front of him is far worse. the sound seems to ring like church bells, definitive and umistakable. "you're right, i'm not your girlfriend. you win jungkook."

they all watch you leave in dismay, listen to the door closing softly behind you. within a second jimin sprints after you, calling your name, leaving everyone else dumbfounded. jungkook's stare could bore a hole into the abandoned watch on the table, still ticking away like nothing changed. like his eyes weren't burning, lightheaded at the realisation that he would never wear a watch again let alone the one he put on you.

x

x

x

to an outsider, you looked like you were coping well considering you just got dumped in front of all your friends. but jimin knew that face. your stony eyes, lips pulled thin as if to seal inside the collapse of a monument. you took the tea he offered, and then his arms, your face finding his chest with ease. muscle memory. his torso was a tad shorter than jungkook's, his heart closer to your mouth as if the steady thumps were asking for a kiss of acknowledgement. every time you close your eyes you could see jungkooks face, hard and unforgiving and nothing like the man you trusted all this time. but it wasn't a new expression; you parents looked at you similarly the last time you saw them. it was the look of someone who had no regrets cutting all ties. and now, jungkook was behind them in a lost list of people who chose to be strangers over loving you.

jimin sighs when you cry into his chest, brushing the back of your head gently. he had been ready for this for months, but he still hated to see you this way. again. it made his bones itch, his skin crawl uncomfortably every time you weeped. the only time he considered violence was when you were crying. but he knew what to do, laying down across the sofa so you could curl up into a ball next him, head on his bicep and face smushed into the crook of his shoulder. you used to cry like this for hours and hours, his arm familiar with the prickle of pins and needles. but it was the only place you felt safe. tucked into jimin's side is where you would always belong, and that truth was more glaringly obvious than ever now.

"lets get something to eat," he offers eventually, hand craddling the crown of your head like a child. jimin's other hand on your hip is warm and heavy when he pats you soothingly. in your episodes, you responded well to touch. "what about thai food?"

"not hungry," you grumble against him.

"we could make something together?" he peers down at your lack of response. "come on, babe. you gotta eat something. you didn't even have breakfast-"

"why am i so stupid?" you whisper, a fresh bout of tears welling up.

jimin rubs your thigh. "it's not your fault."

"yes it is. jungkook gave me plenty of red flags, and i ignored all of them-"

"oh, i meant you being stupid."

you scoff. "cheers."

"what?" jimin cocks a brow when you lift your head to look up at him. he wets his lips and you follow the swipe of his tongue thoughtlessly, distracted enough by his touch and proximity that you take a second to digest his words. "it's not like any of this exactly came as a surprise. you ignored me, remember? wanted to flex your big girl pants."

you pull away from him and sit up, forcibly shutting out the daze that jimin routinely puts you under. "what's wrong with you? can't you be polite and wait for a couple hours before laying into me like a normal person? jesus, jimin."

"so let me get this straight," jimin sits up, watching your back as you sit away from him. "you're mad because i'm not telling you what you want to hear?"

"no," you say, head shaking. "i'm not mad. i'm upset because i came here to be comforted by my friend and you're just making me feel worse."

"what do you want me to say, ____? that i had high hopes from the start?" jimin pushes his hair back, brows now at a sharp incline from frustration. "i told you starting something with jungkook was trouble but you didn't listen. why should i feed your victim complex when all i've done is try to help you?"

"victim complex?" you repeat, standing up slowly. the sudden steadiness of your voice causes jimin to panic.

"not like that. don't take it like that, it's just," he's suddenly before you, his warm hands palming up your arms warmly. "i didn't wanna see you get like this and it happened anyway, is all i'm saying." he sighs when your scowl doesn't let up. "if hobi hyung hadn't have given up so easy, then maybe…maybe this would never have happened. maybe if i had been harsher with him then you would have-"

"what are you talking about?" you ask quietly, searching jimin's face. "give up so easy? what's that supposed to mean?"

he looks away, hands slipping off you. "it's nothing."

"jimin."

he struggles to look at you, tongue in cheek. his lips purse for a moment, pink like roses. he's wearing that navy jumper you like. "look, it's not a big deal. he wasn't supposed to fuck you or anything, just take you out for a while. get your mind off kookie, show you a nice time."

your blood runs cold. "what?"

jimin's expression softens. "it's not as bad as it sounds-"

"really?" your voice is sharp, sharper than he's ever heard it. you recoil as if you had been struck for the second time today. "because it sounds like you asked some guy to keep me occupied like i'm a fucking dog. all because you can't stand the idea of me being within a meter of jungkook-"

he steps in, but you step back. "you know that's not true, _."

"don't i?" you scoff, covering your face in disbelief. "jimin, you've been hellbent against me even looking at the guy since day fucking one."

"because i didn't want you to get hurt!" jimin counters, eyes downcast. "i know, okay? i know how much of a dick it makes me sound, but its not like it hurt you when you had no idea! hoseok broke it off before you even knew about it so why-"

"because it's worse," you turn away from him. "you tried to control me. choose what's best for me because you think you know better than i do. sound familiar?"

his jaw sets, and it's like you can hear the twine snap in his head, the percussion of his heartbeat above yours even though he doesn't close the space between you. jimin stares at you for a long minute before drawing in a thin breath. "fine," he steps in, and you can't look away. "you want me to say it? fine. i'll say it."

suddenly the air is lace thin around you as you stare at him, waiting. jimin looks off somewhere else, somewhere you can't reach. "don't tell me you haven't thought about it, because i know you have. if i have you must have too. and lately its all i can think about - being with you, holding you, being the one who gets to touch you. and yeah, maybe it took having to see you with jungkook for me to realise how much i want all that, i put my hands up. but you have no idea what's it like to watch the person you love most get toyed around with by a time bomb like that. i've seen jungkook go through girls like underwear and i love him, god i love him, but even the idea of you being one of those wasted girls sitting outside a party crying over his sorry ass makes my fucking ears ring."

"j-jimin…" you whisper, but you have nothing to say. your hands shake.

"you deserve more than that, ____. you deserve more than waiting around for booty calls or living up to what the next guy wants. from jungkook, hoseok, anyone. you deserve someone's devotion and yeah, maybe all this time i've been too much of a pussy to give it. maybe all this time i was tiptoeing around my feelings for you because i knew if i admitted to myself that i loved you - if i admitted i was just like every other guy - i'd actually set the bar for something other than disappointment. id actually have to step up, and i didn't know if i could do it. i still don't. but if it has to be someone…it should be me."

suddenly he's holding your hands, calming the tremble that rattles them. his words bunch up together in your ears, the meaning lost amidst your awe. "jimin….jimin what are you saying? where is all this coming from, i don't...i don't understand wh-"

"i'm saying," he cups your face. "choose me." he pulls you in. so, so close. "choose me, not jungkook. not anyone else. me."

and there's a part of you that has already caved. that's already kissing him, melting into his arms like you've wanted to for so, so long. you're falling back onto the couch with him in a fit of giggles, curling back into his chest to hide your watery eyes, asking him why the fuck he took so long. you chat together between teasing kisses, pour your hearts out, maybe cry a little. later you would make tea and order pad thai and watch the office all night and fall asleep together in the living room well past dawn and then-

you close your eyes. "i can't."

"you can," jimin says, so passionately you shudder. his brown eyes are teaming with too much determination and ardour for his own good, and you both know it. its difficult to grapple with how huge a risk he's taking, because jimin never takes risks. it made the whole situation seem dire. "you know you can, ____. it's us. there's no one like us."

you don't know how you're not crying yet. you only have jimin to hold onto, hands balled in his shirt without knowing if you're about to push him away or pull him in forever. "maybe back then. maybe if you'd have said all this before," you feel empty, the beat of your pulse suddenly strong in your fingertips. "but it doesn't matter anymore."

he shakes his head in denial, his determination palpable. "of course it does-"

"i'm in love with him," you say. to jimin. to yourself. to the world, finally. "i'm in love with jungkook." holding jimin's stare isn't as difficult as you thought it'd be. "you know if you'd have done all this a few months ago…if you'd have just...i was always yours without question, jimin. and you knew it." it's his turn to bristle under the strain of your voice. "jungkook isn't perfect. i'll be the first one to admit that. he's made me cry, he fucks up, he makes mistakes. but he's never lied to me. he never made decisions for me. he never passed judgement on what i should or shouldn't do with my life. something that i never thought i wouldn't able to say about you, too."

there's a brief moment where everything stops. neither of you can believe what you just said. jimin watches you, frozen in his place as you take your bag, eyes glittering with tears when he calls for you. suddenly he's the time bomb he feared becoming, the panic in his eyes lighting them up like fire crackers. for the first time in his life, he stumbles over his words, and then his feet when you reach for the door, all composure lost. he was unravelling like a tapestry in front of you, never to be repaired, and he could feel it. "____. ____, please," jimin chokes, his cheeks blotchy. "i wanted to protect you, i was just trying to help. don't go. please don't go. i was trying to help you."

"no. you were trying to have me." you say, closing the door behind you.

x

x

x

you have no idea what time it is when you hear the bell ring incessantly.

it had been hours since you'd returned home from jimin's, but there was no way for you to keep track when your only priority was just keeping yourself afloat. you turned your phone off, drew the curtains, and resolved to alternate between sitting in seulgi and jisoo's rooms until they came back. you didn't know what else to do. when you weren't crying you were hyperventilating, and when that stopped the absence of emotion was so powerful you could barely keep your eyes open. you were exhausted but could not sleep. starving but could not eat. it was a miracle you even made it down the stairs, using what little strength you had to yank it open without even thinking about who could be on the other side in the middle of the fucking night. but at this point, you would gladly take a serial killer over jimin or jungkook.

"taehyung," you breathe when you take in his face, relieved. you must look like absolute shit because he scans your face and winces. 

"jimin told me," he says, the apology in his voice and expression was almost painful to register. "he told me everything. ____, i'm so sorry. i should have told you about the hoseok thing, i just thought it would be worse coming from me, and then i tried to force jimin into confessing but then he didn't because he's jimin, and now-"

"you're only allowed to come inside if you stop apologising," you say weakly, voice haggered from the hours of crying.

taehyung's pouty expression almost makes you smile with how cute he looks, gingerly stepping over the threshhold. "i really am sorry though."

"for what," you say monotonously, closing the door behind him while he takes off his shoes. "my inexplicably terrible taste in men? my uncanny ability to get manipulated by literally anyone who shows me a scrap of affection? or my absolutey shredded-to-shit attachment style thats barely intact let alone functioning healthily? after hoppping between the first two for a few hours i'd personally go for the latter. but whatever."

"please shut up," taehyung sighs, bringing you into his arms before you could have a second thought about it. "you need to amp up the misandry in this context. a lot of this had nothing to do with you and everything to do jimin and jungkook."

you're too tired to open your eyes, snuggling into the softness of taehyung's chest. you’re too exhausted to argue. "where did you learn the word misandry? have you been reading?"

"yeah," you can hear his big, pleased grin. "i know you and the girls have been calling me a himbo behind my back."

"affectionately," you add, peering up at him. he wipes the wetness off your cheeks, moving upstairs to your room with your hand in his. he fetches you a glass of water before putting you into bed like he's paid to do it. taehyung was the cuddliest person you had ever met, but you had rarely seen him dote on anyone. "girls love himbos. it's a compliment."

"not all girls," he mutters when he returns from the bathroom with a glass of water. "drink this, would you? you look so dry it's making me itchy."

you do as he says with a roll of your eyes. "what do you mean?" you finish your water with a big gulp. "jisoo loves dumb guys, what are you talking about?"

taehyung looks away from you, bottom lip rolling up under his teeth so fast you barely catch it. he pulls up your desk chair next to your bed, thinking long and hard before meeting your eyes again. "i don't mean jisoo."

you don't understand at first, but after staring at his face for a long minute your stomach drops. "don't. don't you fucking dare," another beat of silence. you rip the covers off you to scamble to your knees, grab your pillow and hurl it at taehyung's head. "taehyung, please don't tell me that the one remaining, healthy relationship i have with a man has also been shot to shit because i swear to god i'm gonna-"

"it's not a big deal," he says firmly, and he really does mean it. taehyung catches your wrists when you lunge at him, effectively ending your outburst before it can begin. he keeps hold of them while he stares into your eyes, watching the way they fill up with a fresh bout of tears. "i've had a crush on you for a while, so what? it's not anyone's business but mine so don't worry about it."

you try not to scream at him. "how long?"

"...since the start." he shrugs. "it's not like i could have done anything anyway. with jimin around. he’d never have it."

"but...! but..." you splutter, the highlight reel of your friendship suddenly marred before your eyes. "but you let me talk to you about boys! you gave me advice with hobi and jimin and jungkook and...! you encouraged jimin to confess to me. and the whole thing with jisoo?"

he wets his lips guiltily. "jisoo is a nice girl. i like her, but...not like you. i've always liked you."

you shake your head in horror, your face crumpling. bile rose in your throat. "so all of that...playing with my friend like that. was just to get to me?"

"listen to me," taehyung says firmly, gripping your wrists to make you look at him again. he's so close you can feel the warmth of his breath on yours, and you never realised how large taehyung's torso was compared to yours before. he could have smothered you, but he didn't. in all senses. "the way jimin and jungkook handled their feelings is on them, just like how this is on me. it doesn't matter if i'm fucking you or not, you're my friend and i'll always want people to do right by you. and that includes me."

there was nothing else to say, so taehyung wordlessly wipes your face again and fetches you more water before retreating to sleep on the couch downstairs. all the while you sat there in your bed, confused and bewildered and thoughtful. the same bed jungkook fucked you on. the same bed jimin held you in. out of all the men in your life, taehyung was the only one who treated his feelings for you with reverence. there wasn't one interaction you could think of where he made his feelings clear, where he even hinted towards wanting something more. if he hadn't have said anything tonight, in the wake of one of the most emotionally tumultuous days of your life, you would still be in the dark about it all. and that was the scariest part. you didn't know anyone else who hadn't let their feelings for you effect how they treated you. so ultimately, it was possible.

and jimin and jungkook chose not to do that. but taehyung did.

taehyung did.

when you finally pad downstairs after hours of ruminating, jisoo's bedroom door is wide open. and that's who you should be thinking about now - your friend and sister jisoo - as the sky begins to lighten with the signs of morning. you hadn't slept for over twenty four hours, you were hungry and thirsty, delirious from the whirlwind of losing the two most important men in your life in one day. but still, you are drawn to taehyung. taehyung, who never asked anything of you. taehyung, who was as silent as he was selfless this whole time. taehyung who routinely put what he wanted aside in favour of what was best for you. taehyung, who protected you without needing credit or recognition for it. taehyung, taehyung, taehyung, taehyung, taehyung-

"taehyung," you whisper scraping your nails through his hair. his eyes fluttered open, twisting his head to face you as you hovered above him. he could barely see you in the darkness. "taehyung, wake up."

"what is it?" he croaks, sitting up with half-lidded eyes and a yawn. he doesn't know how to read the expression on your face. he swings his legs off the sofa in a sitting position, wearing nothing but his boxers and tee, visibly alarmed. "what happened? are you okay?"

you take his face in your hands and kiss him. 

taehyung stiffens against you, breath drawn thin. you pull away to gauge his expression, desperately searching his eyes in the darkness. for discomfort, disapproval, anything negative at all. the absolute ardour you find instead could knock you down if taehyung didn't reach for your neck, kissing you again. you whine at the feel of his tongue, having no idea where such sudden and intense arousal was coming from. when you pull away with shaky limbs, you climb onto his thick thighs so he can feel your wetness through his boxers. taehyung grunts at the sensation, and again when you kiss him passionately and without abandon. the sweet girl every guy he knew was agonising over, suddenly in his lap. he's barely had his tongue down your throat for ten minutes and you're already rocking into him, his erection betraying his resolve.

it's better than he dreamed. 

"taehyung," you gasp, palming him now. he groans when he pulls away to look at your mouth, glistening with his saliva when you take his hand and guide it down to your arousal. "please."

[burnedbyshoto]

I really hate you

— Shinsou knows he shouldn’t trust villains. Especially villains who make his mind spin and stomach twist in joy. But there’s something about you that keeps him coming back for more.

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pairing: pro hero!shinsou hitoshi x villain fem!reader

warnings: 18+, smut, a little bit of juicy plot, pro hero!au, reader is a villain, betrayal, biting, marking, collaring, cursing, hate sex, rooftop sex, body liquids, angst

word count: 8,180

a/n: i like deception :) being a chem TA is pretty fun, except when im in lab for 8 am until 4 pm. listen,,, I also really liked this prompt I made last night because the one I had before wasn’t spicy enough for me anymore. I hope you enjoy though! like comment and share for the algorithm (jk been watching too many tikytokys)

kinktober day 8 main kink: collaring

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When the sun sets, and the moon is high in the sky, and the chill of the bitter cold winds raise ceaseless goosebumps on your arms, and the only people who are up are drunken businessmen and tiresome students, it is a common belief that this is when the freaks come out.

The freaks come out to play at night.

You are one of these freaks.

Heh.

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Shinsou nodded at his friends as he walked through the doors of the agency he worked at. Despite the power of his quirks ability, he was an underground hero (unless the ultra-rare occasion where they needed his quirk in the limelight); he was stationed within a large, well-known agency and was one of the founding heroes there at that. His ability to be hidden from the bright lights of the world were both easy and challenging; most of the world knew him as the kid from UA’s Sports Festival that went toe to toe with nearing number one Pro-Hero Deku. It both irked and embarrassed him when that event was brought up; on the one hand, it was true! He had nearly beat Midoriya during that final stage. Yet, on the other hand, their memories seemed to recall some crazy quirk-fueled fistfight where Midoriya had broken his entire body in the duration of their fight. 

‘No,’ he often found himself responding back to the gentlemen and ladies who would awe at his school-day adventures, ‘there was a fistfight, but Midoriya handled it without using his quirk except to snap him out of my quirk.’

They always looked embarrassingly horrified by their faulty memory when they pulled the clip up on Youtube, their bows quick in apology before they made off. 

But people recognizing him from that was rare as it gets, fortunately even with the large agency stapled to his alias, he was quite good at his job—a shadow in the night, an urgent whisper to the villain freaks who roamed the night.

“Ah, Shinsou-chan!” Kaminari pouted, his body draping over his purple-haired friend as Shinsou moved to change from his regular clothes into the black triple-weave kevlar of his hero suit. He had once sported a black cotton-like costume akin to Aizawa, but after many, many gun shootings and stabbing incidents, he figured he needed something sturdier. 

“What is it?” he asked, rising up from his bent position so that Kaminari couldn’t take advantage of his slouched form. 

Shinsou’s tired, purple eyes met the exhausted pair of Kaminari.

“Today was so hard,” Kaminari sighed, his lip still put into the stupid pout, and he slumped onto the bench behind Shinsou. His feet were spread before him, fingers drumming onto his directional equipment. “Since it’s winter, the night comes sooo much earlier now. I swear some weirdos really appear out of the woodworks when the night comes! Like just before I was going to make my way back here, I swear I saw Aizawa-sensei hanging out on the rooftops like some super-secret ninja, right?”

Shinsou frowned. He knew his mentor turned friend was actually on vacation at the moment in Hawaii. Something he thought, at the very least, was long overdue. 

“Aizawa is in Hawaii right now,” Shinsou quickly spoke, his hands buckling the belt on his pants, before moving to lace up his boots. 

“Oh fuck, I told Todoroki he was in Seoul,” Kaminari cursed, the palm of his hand hitting his forehead. 

“Good going, who knows what weird message or gift he’ll end up sending to Aizawa now,” Shinsou couldn’t help the small smirk from spreading on his face at that note.

After being accepted into the Hero Course over in UA, Shinsou couldn’t help but be initially disappointed when he was placed within Class 1-B — Class 2-B at that point — simply because his mentor was with Class 1-A. The initial disappointment didn’t last very long when he got to know the rest of Class 2-B better, and he saw that while 2-A possessed raw talent, 2-B were more well-defined with a much bigger take-no-shit mentality that he appreciated more. That and 2-A were being strangled by a new villain of the month far too often, and Shinsou just wanted nothing more than to graduate from high school. 

Still, his lack of enrollment in Class 2-A didn’t mean that he didn’t see the rambunctious, nearly intolerable group of twenty in class 2-A. As a matter of fact, he thought he saw them a bit more than he’d like. Aizawa was his mentor, so he understood seeing him around, but for some reason, 2-A was never too far away. As soon as Shinsou was admitted into the Hero Course and the two hero classes had weekly meals together, which meant that to him, just the slightest bit, 2-A felt like an unwanted, annoying, ugly stepchild.

So no, Shinsou could not tell you 2-A’s inside class jokes, but he knew a lot more about the forty other hero students than he’d ever like to admit. 

And through his knowledge, he knew that the ever so powerful Todoroki Shouto was an idiot, probably a bigger one than Kaminari.

“I hate that you call Aizawa-sensei just…” Kaminari trailed off, a disgusted shiver running down his spine as if it sickened him to remove the single formality.

“Aizawa,” Shinsou said once more.

“Stop.”

“Aizawa.”

“Hitoshi!”

“Aizawa.”

“PLEASE!”

“Shouta.”

Kaminari hit the floor, his chest heaving with fake, bitter sobs while Shinsou couldn’t help but chuckle at the sight of his over-dramatic friend on the ground. He had to admit, Shouta felt weird on his tongue too.

“Stop making a huge deal about how Aizawa and I are closer than you are,” Shinsou half-joked half-told-the-truth.

He was more than well aware of his mentor’s former students trying to become even closer to their beloved homeroom teacher. All doing it in their own ways, all relatively unsuccessful because unknown to them (but not Shinsou), Aizawa already loved them all thoroughly, not that he’ll ever tell them.

“I DIDN’T MEAN TO SHAVE OFF MITTENS FUR!”

Oh yeah, that had lost a lot of love points for Kaminari.

Sighing softly, Shinsou placed his newly replaced coiled capturing weapon around his shoulders, and his artificial vocal cords mask onto his chest until he was off on patrol.

“Why’d you think you saw Aizawa?” he asked again, trying to finish the conversation so that he could leave. It felt like it was going to be a long night if Kaminari confirmed where his thoughts were already trailing. 

“Hm?” Kaminari finally looked up from his puddle of tears on the floor, tears streaking all over his face, small charges of electricity humming off it. He blinked once, twice, his eyes shooting to the ceiling as if the answer was there before his fist came down to hit his open palm in a flash of realization. “Oh, I remember! There was this person, obviously not Aizawa-sensei, standing by the edge of a building watching everyone below. Hair whipping in the wind and his capturing weapon fluttering around them!”

Just as Shinsou thought.

“Where did you see her?”

“Her?!”

“Where, Kaminari?”

“Uh… well, I guess by Gramps convenience store. Don’t tell me this is some super sexy megafan of yours! Wait… do tell me, or… no, I’ll get jealous if you’re having rooftop sex with — eh?! where are you going?! Hitoshi?!”

“My shift started two minutes ago,” Shinsou explained, one of his hands lifting in a wave as he exited the locker room, his heart hammering quickly, knowing just who he was going to need to track down tonight.

…

..

.

It was dark.

Shinsou’s eyes squinting as he hopped from one rooftop onto the other, his capturing device assisting him in clearing the dooming crevice. He wasn’t exactly the most physically threatening, and unfortunately, that also meant he wasn’t exactly the greatest at parkour type movements, although he was getting better. Maybe had he started to ask for earlier shifts, where he would be out when the sun was, he could get better faster.

It was tricky with only the moonlight to guide him, but that’s what he could get at the moment.

As he scuffled through the gravel rooftop of one of the abandoned buildings, Shinsou found himself squinting at the figure in the distance. The one perched near what Kaminari oh so fondly refers to as Gramps convenience store.

He studied the form of the picture still person, noticing if it wasn’t for the slight wind through your hair and twisting capturing weapon around your neck, he would think you’re a statue. But he knows better now, he’s known better for quite some time now. 

“What’re you doing out here, y/l/n?” Shinsou found himself speaking the moment he stepped behind you, hands shoving into his pant pockets.

You didn’t move, nor did you respond, your body still completely still while peering down at the empty world fascinated on who knows what.

“Y/l—”

“How can I help ya, Mindjack-senpai?” you interrupted him, your gaze still not removed from the world below the building. “I hear it’s supposed to be a busy night tonight.”

Shinsou paused, his brows scrunching at your words.

It was plain to see to Heroes that you were a villain, you did what you wanted when you wanted, whatever the price, but if there was one thing Shinsou had learned with this rather weird cat and mouse game the two of you played time and time again was that you didn’t lie. 

What was happening?

“A busy night?” Shinsou questioned, his quirk still unactivated, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to Brainwash an answer out of you anyways. “Where at?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know, Mr. Hero?” you teased slowly, and Shinsou had to deny the way that the way your head finally turned to lock eyes with his made his stomach clench.

It meant nothing.

Nothing at all.

“You know what happens when you slight me,” Shinsou couldn’t help but warn, the bandages on his neck rising under his command. But your eyes blinked slowly, lips spreading into a lazy, cunning smile.

“And you know what happens when you underestimate me,” you returned, fingers gliding against his old weapon — yes, old weapon. Just two months ago, just before your last arrest, you had viciously stolen it from him, your foot crushing his vocal cords while you managed to pry the weapon from his broken fingers. “Anyways, Mindjack-senpai, it’s a bit unethical of you, a hero, to be threatening me in such a way! I’m just a poor girl waiting for the love of my life to show up.”

“And have they?”

You blink, a soft giggle escaping your lips as you nod, “I got him right where I want him.”

“Don’t be stupid,” Shinsou snapped despite the lick of warmth against his chest and cheeks. “I’ll have you arrested again.”

Now, this has you turning from the edge of the building, you sit on the ledge of the building, fingers supporting your head as you stare at him without fear. Shinsou really fucking hated how fast you riled him up.

“Arrested? But Mr. Mindjack-senpai, didn’t you know?” you ask, the taunt evident in your voice, the twinkle in your eye devastatingly bright. “I’m a changed woman. I’m what you call a hero now. You wouldn’t arrest an innocent heroine, could you?”

“You’re hardly innocent,” Shinsou responded back smoothly and deftly, not at all yet entirely impressed by you. “I’ll believe it when I see it.” 

He blamed his deep impressions of you on the stupid black and purple attire you wore.

“Well, you know as well as I do that I just got out, but I feel like except what happened two days ago, I’ve really changed,” you emptily promise, pushing off the ledge, sauntering closer to Shinsou until he felt the tip of your nose brush against his. “I’ll make sure to think about you whenever… bad feelings come up.”

He prays you don’t see the scarlet flush on his face.

You’re already back at the ledge when he blinks, and he watches you raise two fingers to your temple in a mock salute as you wink at him.

“You didn’t hear it from me, but two blocks east, seven blocks south from the heart of Tokyo is where you’ll find trouble,” you inform him, dropping the salute as you turn to run.

But Shinsou wants his damn weapon back.

“Y/l/n, wait!”

“Yes—?”

You froze at the ledge, your eyes spacing out, and Shinsou sighed, moving to collect his weapon from you until you suddenly dove off the building, a burst of cheerful laughter on your tongue.

“Oh, I forgot to tell ya!” you screamed from the next building over, your fingers threading through the alloy metal cloths. “I got some earbuds just for when you’re around! They make your voice into electrical signals just for me! So guess what?!”

Shinsou didn’t need you to complete that sentence in order for him to realize what you had just gotten your hands onto.

As long as you wore those, his quirk was useless against you.

Despite knowing that a villain held the key to his demise as a hero, he chuckled, running a hand through his short purple hair.

You really were something.

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Shinsou never took himself as an especially suspicious person.

He figured he had days where he was suspicious of some people the correct amount, especially when they had the most painted on emotions he’s ever seen. Some days he was overly trusting and blamed tight smiles on something acute to nerves. Without meaning to brag, he felt like he was healthily suspicious of people, unlike others he knew who wouldn’t dare to interact with anyone new or would spill their darkest secret to anyone who would listen.

But there was something entirely, conspicuously suspicious with how you were behaving.

Winter had long passed, the long winter nights and graveyard shifts of endless freak encounters had worn a hole in his patience and boots. The spring season was beginning to end, and the warm days and nights of summer were setting on his skin.

Six full months of you, the first-ever villain he had fought as a Pro Hero, the first-ever villain to have openly flirted with him and to have him flirt back, being suspiciously… kind. 

Every shift of his, he would find you waiting for him on one of the regular rooftops. Every time he would check in with the database to make sure you weren’t wanted for some crime to find that you were innocent. Every time he would feel pissed off because you wore those earbuds that rendered his quirk useless and you somehow mastered the capturing weapon within weeks.

Now Shinsou didn’t pout, he really didn’t, but there were moments where you would appear from behind him, finger swiping down his spine as you effortlessly twirled around him, a stupid sly grin on your face as you held onto the collar of his hero costume.

“Don’t pout, Mindjack-senpai, I’m here now,” you’d purr each and every time.

He loved the dangerous purr to your voice, the way your eyes hooded over, peering at him through your eyelashes, but he knew better. He had to know better. It wasn’t that villains were terrible people per se; he’d learned a lot of villains were just thoroughly sick of being mistreated (and he had wondered what would have happened if he had been denied from UA… would he be one?). He knew that for the most part, you were quite harmless, merely sticking your nose where it didn’t belong, living a life to your personal laws and rules.

It didn’t make you evil, merely dangerous.

But he had a job to do where even if it was justifiable to beat the ever-living shit out of your sister's abuser, nearly murdering him in rage and refusing to calm down when Shinsou had arrived on the scene with the use of his quirk didn't hold up well in court. It had started this long chain of events where you had absolutely hated him for a time as you were forced to stay overnight in a jailhouse. And many horrible days afterward where you performed what Shinsou had thought to be illegal actions only to find that no, they weren’t. As a matter of fact, entirely legal because Japan had yet to update their codes. 

Long after he had discovered this, you had returned to actual crime, your physical ability growing by leaps and bounds as he ran after you after catching you doing something dangerously illegal. Shinsou was a proud hero and was incredibly proud of the impact he made as a Pro Hero, but it was clear as day, even to him, that he often let you slip through his fingers. Like a child opening their cupped fingers and wondering why the water had left.

He wasn’t sure what it was about you that made him act this way, but he certainly didn’t wish to find out.

“So what’s on the schedule today, Mindjack-senpai?” you asked, appearing from the shadows of the rooftop, not scaring Shinsou in the slightest as this was always where you greeted him. “Are we saving the Prime Minister today? Stealing — I mean, protecting those stupid bedazzled eggs in the museum? Perhaps solving an unsolvable case?”

“Smooth,” Shinsou snarked, his tired purple eyes piercing through your bright ones that seemed undoubtedly excited. “How many times do I gotta tell you that there aren't that many actual case assignments? Besides, most team-ups happen in the morning when I’m asleep.”

“Being a hero is so boring!”

“You’re not a hero.”

“Am too!” Shinsou snorted, turning on his heel and began walking away, listening to your footsteps running after him to keep up with his long paces as you cried that out.

“No.”

“Yes!”

“No.”

“Yes!”

Shinsou stopped, his eyebrow raised in slight forced annoyance but much more amusement, when you spun in front of him, hand on his chest, cheeks puffing with your heavy breathes.

“Look!”

Tilting his head back, Shinsou grunted when your phone was shoved in his face. “What is this?”

“Hero Commission Regulation Handbook, page fifty-four, Article three, sub-article twenty-three,” you chirped, turning your phone back to yourself so that you may read it correctly. “It states that besides attending hero school like a bunch of nerds, civilians have the option of securing internships with approved Pro Heroes and work side by side with them for six months! Once finishing their internships, said Pro Hero must simply sign my licensing papers and bam, a hero I’ll become.”

“And which sniveling hero did you get to do your dirty work?” Shinsou scoffed, not at all buying the notion that you of all people wanted to become a hero. A vigilante at best, an anti-hero much more realistically, and staying a villain as default.

“You,” you smirked, winking at him before turning on your heel and sauntering off, knowing full well the patterns of his routines. 

Shinsou sighed, but he let a familiar smirk fall on his face as he walked after you, enjoying the way you glanced back at him with your wide clear eyes. But that suspicious, gut feeling didn’t leave his core, no matter how sweet and beautiful he found your smile. 

“So, Mindjack-senpai, who are we apprehending today?”

“You want me to sign your paper this entire time, and you’ve been addressing me as senpai?” Shinsou commented, his weapon shooting off to a nearby building, snapping straight in his hand when it was ready. “Where are your manners? It’s Mindjack-sensei to you.”

He didn’t wait for your response, choosing to swing off the ledge of the building with no hesitation, but a part of him wished he could have heard the sound of your laugh he only seemed to hear through the streaming, far away air.

…

… 

While usually, Shinsou didn’t have actual cases during his patrols, this job, after all, was much more spontaneous than anything else, today was different.

Today was different altogether, really.

First off, he showed up to work when the sun was still up just to get his meeting intel down in time for him to be out on the scene in time. He had nodded plenty, silently taking in Creati’s information on the drug cartel they wanted to in the next few weeks take down for numerous charges. The creation of dangerous, illegal drugs, prostitution rings, robbery, and murder being the main ones. It was some bigger stuff, so they needed all the evidence they could get.

Shinsou stared at the faces of the more prominent names of the cartel, studying every crook, nanny, and scar on their faces as Creati simply ended with where they focused down onto where their drug creating facilities were at, but still needed confirmation. “They’re pretty difficult to get to without knowing where they are,” Creati admitted, handing him a GPS. “You’ll need this.” He would be the first to start evidence gathering; after all, his old classmates would begin tomorrow.

So he had left, going to the first hideout and finding out it was completely empty. Not a single spec of evidence remaining, not a secret door or trap to get him to where they could be hiding from sight.

So was the next.

And the next.

And the next.

Something sat weirdly in his stomach as he began walking towards the final one on his list, and he froze when he saw lights shifting and moving from around the building. Quickly, Shinsou hopped to higher grounds, his phone already out, ready to take pictures. He lay low to the rooftop, practically army crawling to get to place to place as he neared the windows on the rooftop, allowing him to peer in onto the building he was scouting to find precisely what he needed. 

The entire building was a drug production spot.

His eyes scanned the building floor, singling out ten of the twelve main heads on the cartel, and he smirked. Perfect.

“Whatcha doing here, Mindjack-sensei?” your voice whispered millimeters from his ear, and Shinsou bit his tongue harshly to keep the instinctual scream from ruining his covert operation.

He snapped his head over to you, eyes slightly furious, eyebrows knitted tightly as he looked to see you leaning toward him. You were in a different outfit today, completely black, drowning you out in the night. He blinked; even the capturing weapon he had still been unsuccessful in stealing back from you was pitch black.

“What’re you wearing?”

“Do you like it?” you asked, straightening up and twirling for him as if you were wearing a magnificent dress and not personally created ‘hero’ clothes. “Ah, I hoped you would! Sorry, I had to get rid of the purple. I just felt it made me look too cute, right? I know I can’t have villains falling for me like you had me falling for you!”

Shinsou did not blush, no he didn’t, “shut up.”

“So what are we looking for today?” you asked, pressing down onto the floor beside him. Your arm touching his as pressed your face towards the glass. “Is this a stakeout?”

“Less stakeout, more information gathering,” Shinsou grumbled, typing some needed notes onto a file on his phone. It seemed to him that there was plenty here for the drug making charges. “We’re trying to get their bigger names caught in the action.”

“Oh, I thought heroes just burst in whenever they wanted, that’s what they do in the movies. Plus, you always threaten me with being arrested with no evidence,” you giggle, shifting closer to the glass, smile wide on your face.

“After saying that, say goodbye to me signing off that paper of yours,” he grunted, slipping his phone back into his pocket while you scrunch your nose at him. Shinsou couldn’t help but stare at you as the palms of your hands supported your chin as you hummed some song he couldn’t recognize.

“Ne, Mindjack-sensei, did you get the big boss?” you asked, your finger pressed against the cold glass, and Shinsou frowned, returning his head to the glass.

Right where you were pointing was, in fact, the head of the cartel. He was horrendously scrawny, holding no sense of fear or malice, and Shinsou wondered what his quirk could be that he was in charge of an operation such as this one.

“Oh, his right-hand man came too! All twelve are here!” you cheered quietly as Shinsou took documentation on his phone, and that suspicious rock in his stomach finally made sense at this second.

“Y/l/n?” he asked, head turning toward yours, tired eyes glinting with emotions he didn’t know how to handle.

“Mhm?”

“How did you know there were twelve main members, and how’d they look like?”

Silence.

Shinsou’s lips pulled back into a snarl, his canines glinting as he locked eyes with yours that were wide with shock and disbelief.

“How’d you find me—?”

He watched you lean away from the glass, fingers shooting to your earpieces. And with the inkling of suspicion sprinting through his veins, the purple-haired hero still found that he moved too slow. 

BOOM!!!!

He blacked out when his body flew with the explosion.

...

..

.

Ringing.

Pain.

Numbness.

Shinsou could only hear ringing in his ears as soot and ashes fell down from the sky, falling on his body, coating his gaping, open mouth as he tried to breathe, trying to calm himself. Was he bleeding? Was he dying? Where was the explosion from? Were you okay?

His eyes blinked heavily, altogether so irregularly that Shinsou couldn’t help but feel he was out of his body when you reappeared in his sight. Your hand pressing to his cheeks sympathetically, eyes truly hurt as you shook your head, hand grabbing into his bloodied pocket to take his phone.

“I’m sorry,” your voice seemingly whispered, just loud enough for him to hear you through the ringing from the explosion. “You weren’t supposed to be here, Mindjack… these are the scumbags that hurt my friends and family. I couldn’t let them live. Plus… I didn't have a choice, they were competition.”

He spluttered, the warm goo of blood and saliva choking out of his mouth as he convulsed on the ground, his eyes watching as you went.

“See you later, hero.”

He tried to yell at you to come back, that you were a coward, a fucking menace that he would destroy the next time he saw you, but his voice failed to work. Nothing was working except his pain receptors, his heart that kept shoving blood into his lungs that he kept spitting up, but he saw flashing white and red lights as unconsciousness sank its jagged teeth into his neck.

An ambulance was here.

⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆

It took four months to recover from the accident.

His hearing had been fucked up. Not even medical quirks had managed to save his hearing entirely. But hey, it did get him the chance for Bakugou Katsuki to come to his room, called him pathetic, and showed off his own hearing aid that he had needed since his quirk had damaged his own hearing. Not to mention that for the past four months, he had been teaching him sign language just in case.

He wasn’t alone, it seemed.

But it was four months, and he had recovered fully.

The hearing aid he required in his left ear still made his ear ache in pain, and he found that he liked it much better shoved in the back of a draw than anything else. But he knew it was dangerous to be a hero without his full hearing. If it hadn’t been for Bakugou’s trial through this all and the help of Hatsume Mei to create a more appropriate hearing aid for heroes, he wasn’t sure if he would still be here — working that is.

But today — or well, night — was a new day, and he was going to push ahead. He could do this, no sweat, no problem. 

Well, that was until an all too familiar figure sat perched on a ledge on his usual route, legs swaying in the air as uncontrolled rage bubbled in his chest. It wasn’t entirely your fault, but a large part of Shinsou was embarrassed to have been caught up in all of this because of you. He had trusted you above all else even when his instincts yelled at him not to because he knew what it was like to be painted as a villain, and he had hoped by letting you in more, you would have changed. He thought you had.

But you hadn’t.

Not one bit.

…

…

You sat at the edge of the building, already having heard the loud crunch of Shinsou’s shoes against the gravel rooftop, but you didn’t turn around. You didn’t know how to face him, how to tell him that you were both sorry that he got caught up in your schemes, but that you weren’t sorry for what you had done. Those bastards had it coming.

“Give me one good reason not to push you off the building,” Shinsou growled, probably much louder than he intended. 

Instead of answering, you shrugged.

You hadn’t brought the earbuds that would keep you from being immune to his quirk, and you slightly feared what would happen if you gave in to the whispers of his words. Would you blackout in a daze before coming back to normal only when placed in the prefectures jail? Would he actually attempt to kill you? You had no idea.

But you turned on the ledge, looking at his tired purple eyes that shook with his anger and betrayal. You had done a number on him.

“So, now you can’t seem to respond back to me?” he laughed bitterly, his teeth bared into a way too fierce smile, one that made your heart thump and sent a shiver down your spine. “What game do you think you’re playing?”

You still didn’t answer as you planted your feet back onto the rooftop and stood up, watching as his binds flared to life. Dancing and weaving around him in a dangerous coil of fabric, like a frilled dragon lion lizard extending its skin in a warning.

“Should’ve taken you down with that first time I found you,” he spat, his eyes narrowing as you took steps toward him, and the weapon seemed to snap at you. “Did your sister pull the same bullshit on him as you did me? Is that why he became ‘psycho?’”

Now that one nearly got the response out of you as fury thrummed through your veins as you were suddenly nose to nose. You couldn’t help it, but you knew there was no point in explaining your reasoning for doing what you did because he would never understand; he couldn’t. 

So as his eyes flashed dangerously from your eyes, his breathing coming down harshly against your upper lip, the hatred he had for you (that was probably reignited from a year ago and make it double) simmered between the air between you and him. You couldn’t resist.

Your lips pressed against his in a simmering hot kiss. 

Shinsou shoved you away, as quickly as you had pressed your mouth against his, but you were back on him before he could utter a word. Only that this time, he kissed you back with scalding, burning heat. 

You never really knew how much smaller you were to Shinsou until you were on the tips of your toes to kiss him, his hands practically burning you as they gripped onto your hips, pulling you so close there was hardly any room to breathe. His kiss was hateful, spiteful, and full of unspoken passion the two of you had never addressed during the period that was good. It had been so good, but he was a hero, he would never understand.

His teeth bit harshly onto your lower lip, and you hissed, your fingers burying into his hair and tugging at the root of his hair as his tongue came and pressed dangerously against yours. His tongue was hot against yours, he was undoubtedly much more hotblooded than you were, and with his emotions heightened, he exhausted what. 

Tongues clashed against one another, but it wasn’t even a battle of dominance; it was a battle to find who surrendered. There was to be no joy or excitement for whichever tongue prevailed, just the burning of the tears falling down your face and the acid taste on your tongue as he suckled on your pink muscle.

Your eyes were partially opened, watching his angry yet blank purple eyes meet yours, neither one of you allowing yourself to give in to the pure elation and sensation this was bringing. No, he wouldn’t allow it, and you wouldn’t have it.

The stubble of his beard scratched into your skin repetitively, feeling like sandpaper against your own skin as the kiss deepened, consuming the both of you on a whole new level as your crotches ground roughly against one another. Hisses and groans couldn’t stop pouring from your collective mouths, both of you hating yet craving more from this all. You couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if he spoke to you like this, would he do something to you while you were like this? So when his massive, thick hand made contact with the underneath of your ass, scooping up your leg so that your covered cunt could now correctly grind into his hard cock, the weapon you stole from him a year ago bound around his neck, choking him, collaring him.

“I like my bitches chained up,” you mocked against his lips, but somehow, someway, Shinsou liked it. 

You groaned loudly at the way Shinsou gasped for air against the makeshift collar, your grin widening as you nodded your head, pulling away from his mouth as the grin became a smirk. “Didn’t think you wanted to talk when we were fucking?” you lied, teeth biting onto his lower lip and sucking on it as your hips oh so artfully bucked against his covered cock. You could feel the growing slick in your panties beginning to feel uncomfortable with the lack of proper friction, and your head lolled backward when he slammed your core against his, devilishly grinding against you.

He picked up your other leg and dropped the both of you to the floor, the uncomfortable gravel stone floor digging painfully into your back, but you could care less. Shinsou’s mouth was already back on your body, scratchy, scraping kisses placed on your neck, making you moan out, legs wrapping around his waist as you cant your hips upward to grind into him.

Unamused with the lack of his hands on your body, you took his arms that were planted at your shoulders and pressed his heavy palms on your breasts, avoiding the pissed look in his eyes as his teeth marked you painfully. You actually shrieked in pain. The feeling of his teeth tearing through the skin on your neck, while his finger kneaded and pulled at your covered breasts. It was unashamedly painful with how he played with your breasts. He seemed to grow happier with every sound of distress you made.

Fisting your hands back into his hair, you pulled him back to your face level, your eyes fluttered at the way his clothed erection carded perfectly between your sopping wet cunt. Blood stained his mouth, making his teeth slightly orange in tint, and you clicked your teeth in partial anger and pain as your neck throbbed. Slamming your lips back against his, you almost gagged at the taste of iron that soared through your senses as his tongue wasted no time to seek yours out. His lips and fingers were so ardent, manipulating your every body movement, cry of pain and pleasure as thrumming hatred for the stupid, stubborn hero above you still coursed through your veins. 

Sweat began to form at your temples as your lips gilded against his, your hips snapping up to meet his grinding hips, and an airy response keened from his mouth as you moaned loudly.

His incessantly grinding hips were making your legs shake with stimulation, your whines and whimpers for more opening like a flood gate as you finally stuck a hand between the two of you and shoved his pants to his knees. You dropped your legs from around his waist, and he assisted you in ripping your pants off from one side of your body, the fabric still clinging to your right leg, but you could hardly care. All you wanted was for him to plant his cock into your blazing heat and to fuck you, to claim you here on this rooftop that started and would end it all. You wanted him, his cock, and him.

“Fuck me,” you begged into his ear, and his back shivered with your words. You hooked your leg around his waist, carding his hot, throbbing cock against your soaked pussy, as you rolled your hips. “I want you to fuck me, fill me with his cock, and cum deep within me to show me just how much you fucking hate me.”

You cried out when his hand shot down to his cock to line it up with your squeezing, dripping hole, his mouth once again covering yours, kissing you aggressively, fueled with an emotion you could taste as bitter hatred. Your legs trembled as the tip of his cock continued to press against your entrance, not entirely entering it, not giving you friction to send you into a euphoric end. You could help the snarl that passed through your lips, your eyes angry beyond repair as the head of his cock continued to deny you. Whenever you tried to grind down, to force your walls around his cock, he went down with you, he wouldn’t allow it, and your cunt clenched against nothing as he gave you nothing.

Shinsou wheezes out a bitter chuckle, his hand raising his cock from between your soaked folds to slap his heavy, thick, and long length against your throbbing clit.

Hatred and desire soak your body, and you needily rub your clit against his cock, your hands shoving up his shirt to feel the scarred pattern of his back as you give him new ones that were produced by your nails.

“Don’t tease me, hero,” you snapped, fingers tearing into his skin to draw blood. “You fuck my pussy so good, right now, or I promise next time you’ll go out with that bomb too.”

That seems to do what you want because before those words settle on your nerves. His cock penetrates deeply within you, bottoming out entirely as your head thrashes back against the gravel of the floor, throbbing pain from that entirely ignorable because fuck, his cock was stretching you out. He was so thick, so fucking veiny that you could feel the pulsating veins on his cock pressing against your puffy, sensitive walls. You scream his name as the pleasure-filled pain pulses within you, your hips thrashing, wildly bucking in your attempt to calm from the sudden placement of his cock.

“Why are you so fucking big?” you splutter, a whining pitch to your voice as you clawed at his back, trying to separate your joined bodies but also trying to get even closer. “It’s so big, my walls feel like! Oh fuck, Shinsou, it feels like Imma split in two!”

It seems that Shinsou holds some great pride over those worse, because he growled deep in his chest, and his hips begin to fuck into you. It sends your hands to the base of his neck, clutching onto his skin with hope as you scream in pleasure, eyes rolling to the back of your head as the wet squelches fill the air and tickle your ears. The head of his cock keeps dragging against your spongy wall, brushing over your g-spot over and over again as if he knew where it was, as if it was common knowledge as he fucked you further into the gravel floor. It didn’t even hurt anymore, your skin singing with joy as his cock fucked you stupid.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck me!” you whined, and Shiinsou made an approving noise. 

He grunts as your cunt flutters and clenches around him, his balls hitting your skin in possibly bruising force and speed. And his pelvis crashing against your stings ever so slightly, but has you begging for more, sobbing for more.

Your vulgar words and moans are unstoppable at this point, your legs and thighs trembling as they are still circled around him, sometimes assisting you in coming up to meet his driving, drilling hips. You whine into his ear, your mouth pressing blind and sloppy kisses against his slick with sweat neck.

It’s when both his hands bring your hips up to him, his cock finally bottoming out entirely within you, does the most primal moan rip through your mouth. You convulse underneath him, trying to move as the head of his cock buries against your cervix, poking your womb with power and speed that has you swearing behind the blackness of your vision that this sensation brings. You can see the entire galaxy, the world lighting up when his cock leaves the thin wall, and you gasp, shocked that the heat and slick of your cunt is still going. You tremble underneath him, wordless cries pittering from your mouth while he bites on your earlobe.

You soon readjust to the numbing pleasure, the bruising pleasure, and pain that comes with his cock slamming against your cervix. The way that he thrusts up into you, stretching out your walls far more than you were ever used to.

 A pathetic cry escaped your lips when he rolled over so that you were now on top, your body bouncing as soon as it could against him. You keened and whined, feeling the top of his cock licking your cervix, and you spluttered.

“Fuck this angle, this angle and your cock!?” you stammered, fists curling into his collar as you rode him, his hips snapping up into yours with that same animalistic power and speed.

His pace is irreplicable, near maddening with every successive thrust of his hips. Each snap, each wet noise sends you close to the edge, your inner walls clenching and milking his length with greater power as your senseless cries fill the night sky. His grip on your waist will leave purple bruises later tonight, you just know it, but the fire in his eyes as you lock fazes is enough for you to be okay with it.

Its intensifying, deepening, fire erupting in your core as your cunt throbs.

Sweat, tears, and spit fall from your face, and Shinsou surges upward, kissing you with everything he can. It's a maddening escape of lust and need and hatred being exchanged, saliva spreading between you, covering your hot faces with slimy coldness, But you keep him close, your mouth drinking him in more, begging for more as your tongue sinks into his mouth.

His fingers rake down from your back. Past the curve of your clapping ass and onto your powerful thighs that helped in your action to claim his cock. Your joined mouths, both parted in silent screams, wordless begs for more, branding curses that spoke of his hatred for you, your hatred of his job.

Fuck this, fuck that, fuck, fuck, “fuck!”

You held each other impossibly close. Despite the barriers of shirts and armor separating your chests, you swore you could feel his hammering heart flush against your chest. A steady, consistent beat reminding you that this was a one-time thing, that this was yet another bomb with only one explosion to it.

“S-Shit!” his voice finally managed to escape from the makeshift collar, and you nearly sobbed at the sound of his gravelly, husky voice. 

You still hated him, you really hated him and his stupid deep voice. 

Your back arches as the control you had on collar suddenly slacks, as if you had never had it there, and his own noises of sex, of hatred, of pleasure fill and echo in your ear. You can hear him mumbling something in your ear, your head pathetically nodding, tears streaming down your face only you can’t seem to figure out why. The throbbing pressure in your stomach made you near uncomfortable as his cock sank and disappeared from your cunt, your walls' vice grip becoming tighter and tighter and tighter.

There’s vigor, untapped lust, pent up frustration as he rolls you both around, pushing you back into the gravel and dives his length into your wet, loud cunt without mercy. You were overworked, over thrilled, the pressure of your coming orgasm snapping into your every fiber of your being, your toes curling, and drool seeping from your lips as he growled. 

The noise seemed to resonate deeply in your own chest, and he pressed his sweaty forehead against yours, pathetic, needy noises escaping your lips as you stared into his angry, lusting eyes. And as he buried his teeth into your bottom lip, his nose scrunched in an aggressive snarl, he spoke with finality:

“Cum.”

You weren’t sure if you had suddenly fallen under the persuasion of his brainwash, or he just knew you were overfilled with pressure, but you went rigid in his hold, your eyes rolling backward, and your vision going white. You came in powerful waves, electric stimming vibrating through your entire body as your spongey, wet walls clamped around him, and Shinsou came in a guttural groan. His hips snapping into your with five last, robust, resounding thrusts until your trembling abdomen and thighs were stilled with his crushing weight.

 You could feel his hot cum pulsing and thriving deep within your cunt, and you panted heavily, your body feeling alarmingly weak as the both of you lay there. A puddle of cum, tears, drool, pain, longing, and hatred.

He lays on top of you, his chest heaving with his breathing, and you felt frozen beneath him. The pain of the gravel roof no longer adds to your pleasure but rather is stabbing you in pain. It’s quiet as you lay there.

He’s quiet.

You’re silent.

“Why’d you do it?” he asked suddenly, interrupting the silence that you hated.

“I can’t tell you,” you admit, voice thick and heavy with untold emotions.

“You know I’ll have to arrest you, right?” Shinsou spoke softly, but he didn’t move to capture you, and you didn’t move to run.

What was the point? It wasn’t as if there was ever a fighting chance for the both of you. The world would have never allowed it, so why bother?

“I don’t think you hate me enough to arrest me right now, sleep on it,” you softly chided, your eyes staring up into the universe, begging to know why they made you a freak?

“Not right now, you spent all my energy,” Shinsou admits, rising up from you, his soft cock removing itself from your humming core, and you looked away to keep from staring. “I really hate you though, y/l/n. I don’t like liars or pretenders.”

“Convince your cock of it next time,” you couldn’t help but fire back, your upper lip curling in your anger and hatred at the sound of his zipping pants.

Silence and a beat follow your words.

“I’ll tell you this now,” Shinsou spoke, turning on his heels, his tone was cold, distant, like a stranger who could care less for you. “Don’t let me see you again. If I do, I promise you, I’ll send your ass to Tartarus. We’re no longer on good terms.”

Anger, hatred, and fury course through your veins as you stand up, legs weak, but spirit wounded as you pull up your pants, uncaring of his cum leaking from your slit. 

“Don’t you dare show your face to me again! Next time I won’t save your fucking ass when I blow something up!” you snapped, the tears running down your face uncontrollable although your voice never gave it away. It didn’t have to though, he turned around one last time, and his eyes met yours, and the two of you glared and simmered. 

But, he didn’t bother to respond back as he disappeared into the shadows of the night sky.

You collapsed onto your knees, exhaustion finally catching up with you, and you realized his capturing weapon you had stolen was finally taken back by the rightful owner. You fell forward, the tears and silent sobs muffled by your bitten lip as you stayed on that rooftop for an hour. Crying like a freak.

Truth be told, you weren’t even sure if you ever hated him.

...

..

.

Incoming Text…

Incoming Text…

New Text Message Received!

From Unknown:      ↳ Good job, y/n. Phase one is complete.

[stupidjewkyle]

request from @im-just-star-dust

cartman x reader

my friend, eric- part 1

TW: abusive parents (mostly verbal abusive, no physical abuse) please don’t read before and after the ‘*’ mark if this is triggering to you. thank you :)

NOTE: this is set in 7th grade, they are all 12 and 13

y/n pov:

my whole life, i’ve been quiet. every school i went to, i was known as “the quiet kid.” growing up, i never had many friends. i mean, how could you even make friends without talking to them. and even if i made a friend, it wouldn’t last long cause of how much i move. my parents work in...a strange business. drug dealers. they’re always scared of getting caught, so we move once every 4-6 months. i hate my life. i hate my parents. i hate not being able to speak up about anything. i never get to have a say in anything that happens in my life. for example, today my parents decided to move again. since we have quite a bit of extra money to use, i asked to move to hawaii, or a nice place like that. they laughed and then handed me a paper with the moving information. 467 cliff drive, south park, CO, USA ‘you have to be fucking kidding me.’ i mumbled. “what’s wrong with south park?” my dad said. “it’s not a very known town, so we would be safe there. we could probably stay there for at least a year and a half.” “now you could finally make friends!” my mom said smiling. i rolled my eyes.

*

“you know what? if you’re gonna be a bitch about it, just go to your room and start packing. i don’t wanna hear anymore shit from you. got it?” my dad said, pulling me by my hair.

i wanted to say something so bad. but i was scared. i turned around and started walking upstairs.

*

1 week later

we were finally here. south park wasn’t as bad as i thought it was gonna be.

i haven’t left my house since we got here. all

the kids in my neighborhood are always outside, i cant risk them seeing me. i don’t want to meet them. i’m too scared to talk. they might think i’m weird. i just can’t risk anything. plus, school starts tomorrow. i don’t want anything to be anymore awkward than it is for me on the first day.

cartman pov:

i woke up early like normal. i got dressed, like normal. i talked to my stupid bitch mom, like normal. i walked to the bus stop, like normal.

“god why is everything so fucking boring all of a sudden?? has it always been like this??” i said while standing next to kyle and kenny.

kyle glanced at cartman. “yes, it’s always been like this fatass. i don’t see a problem with it though. it’s nice to have a routine-“

“SHUT THE FUCK UP KYLE. JESUS CHRIST YOURE MAKING IT WORSE.” cartman yelled at kyle.

“you know what? i’m leaving. there’s better and less stupid things to do than school.”

i started walking away from the bus stop. stupid fucking kyle always ruining my day.

i started walking to token’s house.

on the way there, i saw a girl walking down the street. she had y/h/c hair that went down to her elbows (sorry if your hair isn’t that length LMAO). it caught my attention. she was wearing baggy jeans, an oversized tye-dye t-shirt, and a pink un-zipped jacket on top. she looked so pretty and bothered while she walked.

“woah.” i said out loud.

“dude can u move? i need to get to school.” token said standing behind me.

“cant you see i’m busy token? just walk around me.”

“i would if you weren’t so fat!”

y/n pov:

shit! i think those two boys saw me. i need to get to class fast before they say anything to me!

after what felt like hours, i finally got to my class room. i walked up to the teacher and she assigned me to a desk. “go sit next to stan, he’ll tell you about the school.” i nodded my head.

“oh hi you must be the new girl.” stan said, holding his hand out for me to shake. i blushed and didn’t put my hand out. he looked confused. “okay then... meet me after 5th period and i’ll show you around.” he said sitting back down.

cartman pov:

time skip, lunch time

i sat down at my usual table with kenny, kyle, stan, butters, craig, jimmy, and scott malkinson.

“holy shit guys, did you see the new girl?” i said excitedly.

“oh yeah i did. i think her name is y/n? i’m not sure. she’s pretty hot tho.” kyle said taking a bite of his sandwich.

“fuck off kyle, she’s mine!” i yelled.

“woah calm down fatass. she’s not yours. she doesn’t even know who you are.” kyle replied.

“and i’m about to change that...” i said grinning.

y/n pov:

i sat down outside, alone. it’s only the first day, and i already made it weird. why couldn’t i just shake his hand? he’s probably telling everyone i’m an awkward, germaphobe who doesn’t talk.

i sighed and put my face in my arms.

“uh hi. your the new girl right?” a boy said looking down at me, his hands behind his back.

something about him made me feel..safe.

“um yeah... i’m y/n...” i said quietly.

“y/n... i like that name, it’s pretty. i’m eric, but most people call me cartman.” the boy said, sitting down next to me.

“well nice to meet you eric.” i didn’t know what else to say. i wanted to keep talking to him but i had nothing else to say.

“um... are you friends with stan?” i said, hoping we could continue talking.

cartman pov:

goddammit. she likes stan. great.

“oh yeah we’re friends. he uh has a girlfriend though in case you were wondering. i’m sorry.” i said.

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?! WHY AM I BEING TO NICE TO HER?! WHY AM I BLUSHING AND SMILING?? AND WHY DO I CARE SO MUCH THAT SHE LIKES STAN??

i didn’t realize what had happened to me until it was too late. i had a crush. this isn’t gonna end well. i swore i would never like anyone again after the whole heidi thing happened. i should just leave and call her a bitch and ignore my feelings. yeah! that’s a great idea!

i stood up.

“well, i have to get ready for class. it was really nice spending lunch with you. maybe we can hang out after school on friday?” i said.

“yea sure! i’d love to.” she said smiling.

GODDAMMIT WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY?!

to be continued...

[jay-durian]

I know fuck all about your relationship with your friend so take what I'm about to say with a grain of salt if you don't agree (which is totally valid if you don't) but to me that doesn't sound like a best friend at least not anymore. She seems to not want to try and understand your perspective and how you feel, but instead, like you said, victimize herself. Maybe she has some valid points, but she shouldn't try to make your feelings seem lesser than her's since it seems she tried to turn the conversation around by saying she is a victim. Idk why she started hanging out with new friends. Maybe she's changed or grown. There are many relationships in live that don't last forever, she could have been trying to move on which is fine in its own right, it's normally a thing done silently, but if she saw you as her best friend, I feel like something should have been said. This is all just speculation based on the two posts you did. You can try to move on or try and mend things back together whichever would be better for your life

Tbh you are right. See I don't have a problem with her making new friends cause I've made alot of new friends too. Everyone does. But wht hurts me is that she basically uses me. She contacts me only when there's a problem or if she wants to snitch abt someone. She tells me stuff abt other ppl which makes me feel like she talks shit abt me to others too. She's always been too full of herself. Everytime I try to tell her how I feel she says "I'm having a hard time. Your my best friend so you should understand how I feel" but then she's not the only person who's going through alot. I don't wanna compare situations but I'm going through more shit than she is. Im someone who doesn't voice their emotions alot and she knows it too. today I made up my mind and got the courage to tell her about everything I've been feeling (I sent her like 3 paragraphs which aren't too long) she read only the first one and again started victimising herself. She said that she can't text alot bc she's busy with extra classes and her parents don't let her use her phone alot. The thing is. Her not texting me alot was never the problem. She didn't even apologize for everything she did and when I told her that I can't really forgive her for everything she's done and that idk if I wanna continue being friends with her she says "do whatever you want I don't mind" (fyi I've been friends with her since I was 4 years old. Im 19 rn) and it just hurts more because she also didn't apologize after I told her about how much I've mentally suffered bc of all the shit she put me through. I really couldn't handle all the toxicity so I told her that it's best if we don't talk anymore. Taking a break from eachother wouldn't be of any use bc we've tried that thrice before. Also I'm sorry for saying so much. I really wanted to get it off my chest and feel a bit relieved..

[gracereadstoomanybooks]

answering questions I’ve been asked on TikTok���

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QUESTION: how did you get into reading?

So, when I was in middle school (many moons ago) we had this thing called AR Testing. Basically, you read a book and take a test on it—the questions were things that happened in the book, it was really simple. If you got a good grade, you got points. The more points you earned, the more eligible you were for the reading party at the end of each semester. Me, being the nerd I am, got top of my class because I went through 8th grade level books like it was nothing. The librarian at my school brought me books from the high school to read since everything was easy for me, and alas, my addiction began. And now that I have adult money, it’s a true addiction. Also, telling my father “I’m bored” and his response being, “go read a book or something” so thanks dad.

QUESTION: what’s one book you ALWAYS recommend to people?

This one is tough because I’ve read THOUSANDS of books, but if I had to choose one, it would probably be Confess by Colleen Hoover. I fell in love with her work in high school when I first read Ugly Love, but Confess is the type of book that pulls at your heart strings, y’all. It has everything people love: humor, sexual tension, drama, love. GO BUY THE DAMN BOOK. Or honestly any book by Colleen Hoover—she’s a fucking amazing author.

QUESTION: outside of making TikToks, what do you do for a living?

I currently work at a restaurant and hate every second of it. If anyone tells you to become a server, DONT. It’s not worth the hassle, I promise you. Sure, you can make decent money but the amount of rude customers and shitty tips you receive each shift is very disheartening. If you really need a job, do anything BUT work in the food industry.

QUESTION: what’s your wattpad story about?

First question: which one? I have about 30 drafts sitting there waiting to be posted. But, I’m going to assume you’re talking about the Harry Styles fan fiction I’ve been working on for the past 4 years and haven’t had the courage to post. I’ll tell you a little about it: Elaine Aldridge is forced into a betrothal to a man she’s never met & loathes. She goes to his court and realizes things aren’t what they truly seem. And the guard her future husband sticks on her??? None other than Mr. Harry Styles. Add in some magic & deaths and you’ve got my story— The First Prince. (Honestly, that’s an extremely shitty description so if you wanna check it out go to my wattpad account)

QUESTION: how old are you?

Ahem. . . twenty-one.

QUESTION: what is your dream career?

Being a published author and having people rave about my books. That’s all. Or, an editor for a publishing company. Imagine reading all day and being paid for it🤩

QUESTION: what was your least favorite read of 2020?

I already KNOW I’m gonna get shit for this but....... the wicked king. YALL I LITERALLY COULDNT GET THROUGH IT IM SO SORRY, I STILL HAVENT FINISHED IT

QUESTION: current favorite author?

Sarah. J. Maas. I don’t know what it is about her writing style, but it’s addicting. Throne of Glass is hands down the best series I’ve ever read. A Court of Thorns and Roses is the first book I’ve EVER reread. Her stories truly suck you in and hold onto you—you get lost so easily in her writing and it’s like once you’re done with a series, nothing will compare. Or, at least that’s how I felt after finishing Kingdom of Ash. Honorable mentions: Jennifer L. Armentrout, Penelope Douglas, L.J Shen, Elle Kennedy and Kennedy Fox.

QUESTION: any recommendations/tips to give to a new reader?

I’ve always given this advice to people who want to get into reading: find what you like and start with that. If you like romance, I’ve got a list for you to choose from. Mystery? Another list. Sci-fi? I GOT YOU. Fantasy? Yes! Sports fiction? It might take me a second but I’ll find you a book. Nonfiction? I’m zero help in that category, honestly. The point of the matter is that you’re never going to enjoy a book if you aren’t interested in the underlying topics.

QUESTION: do you ever find yourself comparing your life to fictional life?

Yes. All the time. I daydream about being apart of the Inner Circle and living in Terrasen with Aelin and Rowan. I think about what it would be like to have real powers and a mate. It drives my boyfriend crazy—but he loves me anyway.

QUESTION: what are your most anticipated books of 2021?

Here’s a list:

A Court of Silver Flames by Sarah J. Maas

The Crown of Gilded Bones by Jennifer L. Armentrout

Gods and Monsters by Shelby Mahurin

Crescent City 2 (Untitled) by Sarah J. Maas

A Vow So Bold and Deadly by Brigid Kemmerer (I just ordered this one & it arrives tomorrow)

Blessed Monsters by Emily A. Duncan

QUESTION: why did you start a Tumblr?

Honestly, I used to love tumblr when I was in grade school (way too young to be on here then but what else is new). I like having an extra space to get my questions and comments out without having to compress it into a 60 second video for TikTok to see. Tumblr is a good place to blog & post things like this.

QUESTION: what’s your favorite song right now?

I’ve listened to Carry You by Novo Amor every day for the past two months and I cry each time.

QUESTION: why write Harry Styles fan fiction?

Simple: I love Harry Styles. I’ve been a fan of him and One Direction since they were on X FACTOR. Read that again. X. Factor. I used to watch their performances on YouTube before WMYB even came out. Of course, I love all of the 1D boys but I was always a Harry gal. And I look up to him in a way—I’ve read things about people wishing they knew him personally and honestly? I would never want to meet him. I like the version of him I’ve cooked up in my brain over the past 10 years. I like the symbiotic relationship I have with his music. Fine Line is a ✨masterpiece✨. HS1 is a ✨work of art✨.

now, some topics I’ve been asked way too many times and want to finally get to:

QUESTION: political views?

the saying “anyone but trump” has been in my brain for the past four years. No, I’m not a republican. No, I’m not a democrat. I like to think of myself as a progressive (ahem, liberal) Did I vote for a democratic candidate? Yes, and I’d do it again and again until the US isn’t one of the worst countries—I’m sorry, businesses— to be apart of. I wanted Bernie but got Biden, and I’m alright with that. And my girl Kamala🥳

QUESTION: how did you feel about the BLM protests?

I went to multiple BLM protests and donated a lot of funds to BLM & other organizations. It’s 2021, people... stop being fucking RACIST. And don’t be afraid to call racist people out! Black Lives Matter, even if no one is posting about it anymore.

QUESTION: thoughts on abortion?

your body your choice, queen! not my uterus, not my problem.

QUESTION: there was a comment on an old video of yours talking about r*pe, why did you delete the comment?

I made a video when I first started my account on TikTok about reading in public and feeling “turned on” by it. Go watch it if you don’t know what I’m talking about. BUT, some ignorant male decided to comment and say “this is how girls get r*ped”. Whew. So. I deleted the comment because ....

I am a victim of sexual assault. Along with a lot of other women. 1 in 5 women have been victims of sexual assault. Talking about being r*ped isn’t funny.

No one else needed to see his comment. I reported it immediately and his account was shut down.

I never got justice for what happened to me, and the fact that some random male—who had never even met me or seen me before my video showed up on his FYP—had the nerve to comment that? Unacceptable.

this question isn’t as controversial but

QUESTION: what’s the best way to get out of a toxic relationship?

okay, let me just start off by saying that the people around you who love and support you are going to be your backbone. Leaving a toxic situation is hard, and every situation is different, but my best piece of advice to offer you is don’t be afraid to ask for help. Your loved ones are going to be there for you when you need them, even if you don’t believe they will. If you explain what’s happening, someone you know and love will drop whatever it is their doing to make sure you get out safely. good luck my babes.

now, back to our regularly scheduled program:

QUESTION: any tips on making tiktoks?

Literally none. I post what I think is funny and relatable and if anyone agrees, I’m satisfied. Even if it’s one view, it’s good enough for me. So I guess my one tip is to not base your life off of an app and followers.

QUESTION: favorite Harry Styles fanfic?

DONT MAKE ME CHOOSE. Duplicity is up there, along with Stall 1&2, and Kiwi. After? Absolutely not.

QUESTION: favorite WEBTOON?

y’all already KNOW. LORE OLYMPUS BY USEDBANDAID. Rachel is a genius and I have reread the series a million times. Hades is my soulmate and Apollo can rot in the fiery pits of the Underworld. also, if we’re talking about other webcomics, reading Walk on Water on mangadex...🤫

QUESTION: favorite movie?

Howls Moving Castle. I will be getting my “a heart is a heavy burden” tattoo very very soon.

QUESTION: I read your Elain theory on tumblr, can you explain a little more?

I thought I was pretty straightforward but I’ll say it again: she is always the “good” one and it’s too suspicious. SJM has already given one Archeron sister a happy ending, Nesta’s is obviously inevitable, but Elain? She has too many options for a happy ending. Lucien, who is her “mate”. Azriel, who is intrigued by her slightly. Her human guy—I don’t remember his name—who is disgusted that she’s not human anymore. Or, alone, planting flowers all day. BUT! My point is that she’s not truly happy. She was forced into the Cauldron just like Nesta. She was ripped away from the life she loved so dearly and didn’t want to give up. The man she was going to marry now hates her guts because she’s a High Fae. She has the perfect set up for a villain plot line and I’m all here for it.

well, that’s all I feel like doing tonight. hope you enjoyed my little q&a! be kind, and talk to you later! byeeee!

[thedankfaerie]

i am posting this here because i am tired of burdening my boyfriend with my feelings. this is a little nsfw. and this is my call for help. i dont know who to talk to anymore about this.

i need someone to hear what i feel

or at least, a free space to say what i feel 

im in a low place. i feel so awful about myself and my body and i hate this feeling. i hate that this time last year, i was so happy about the way i looked. i was working this awful job that had me so overworked and overtired and poorly treated that i skipped meals and slept through meals regularly... i lost so much weight from stress in just a year and was the skinniest i had ever been. mentally, i was not in a good place being exploited by my managers... but my self esteem re: my body was at a new level i never knew could exist for me.

last year, i felt powerful and confident about my body, and i expressed that through sexuality. i was fucking my ex that i still liked (i grew out of wanting him back, but he never did, and it was nice to have the upper hand). i was also fucking an old fwb that i stayed friends with, that was also recently single, so we reunited again at the perfect time. i was also seeing this one guy (now my boyfriend) so if ever i got tired of the sex i at least was able to calm down and settle down with someone who genuinely wanted to know me. of course, i ended up catching feelings for this guy, and cut off the other two to pursue something more serious (we are now dating and are moving in together next month!) anyways, it was so nice to be wanted. to feel... i guess sexy? sex is empowering. and it shouldn’t be taboo to say that as a woman, or anyone really. i dont want to give off the message that a woman’s validation is fueled by men’s desire - but hey, don’t you feel flattered when someone thinks you’re attractive? desire and lust aren’t everything... but they matter. and they have an impact on how you feel about yourself, whether or not you believe me when i say that is up to you. 

 and i hate that i would gladly put myself through the stress that i did just to feel happy about my body. before the summer ended, i finally had enough and i quit my shitty job. i was jobless for a month, but was able to enjoy the rest of the summer with my new ‘skinny’ body - last year i took my first bikini picture ... a 2 piece! i have never done that. i still think about how happy i was that summer to look and feel good about myself. 

i have struggled with self esteem issues since highschool. i always felt like i was too big. i used to follow all these blogs of pretty people and try to copy their poses to feel pretty and i used to spend hours after school trying on short dresses and clothes to stare at my body in the mirror. i used to starve myself to the point of literally wanting to faint on the daily, until finally i admitted it to one of my teachers. she respectfully asked if i wanted to speak with the school guidance counsellor, and i declined. but she encouraged me to speak up to at least a friend, so i did, and it helped, and for a long time, i was okay. after i graduated that teacher still checked up on me for a few years every now and again.

4th year university was when i realized how much i had let myself go. i was the heaviest i had ever been, it was my graduating year, i was looking for a job and was always worried about my grades. every time i was stressed or every time i needed to study i bought pad thai and bubble tea. a ritual. i didnt realize how much that had caught up to me until i saw old pictures of myself. at this point, i started my (shitty) job, straight out of graduation.

i actively avoided scales, i didn’t like looking at the number because it just made me upset. and i already felt upset looking in the mirror, i didn’t need something else to make me upset. but i did. and i was 20 pounds heavier than i was in highschool - the heaviest i had ever been.

i cried.

i didnt do much about it. i was too busy. my first job out of uni was a brand new daycare and i was head teacher of a toddler class - also i was the only staff on floor since there were not as many kids. there was nobody to train me, at all. i had to teach myself everything. i had no time. 

a little while before starting the job, i met this guy. he was so hot, but such a dick - we had a “thing” but it was so toxic. he started off interested in me, but i turned him down. his attitude changed and he started being a douche, but we became friends because we were seeing each other so often. i didn’t have a car yet. he was driving me everywhere. he lived 5 minutes away. he was the type of friend that would text me “im outside, lets go out”. we hung out as friends at first, we would have “study dates”, until we started hooking up. we acted like a thing but he denied we were ever one - but got mad at me whenever i tried to look elsewhere. but i guess in that time, it was nice to be wanted, especially by someone so attractive. 

but again, a year in that shithole job went by fast. i would stay late after work. i would come in on weekends. i was expected to not only help new kids transition, but train new partners. and given that my supers refused to support me, i watched a lot of people quit due to pressure. i had to keep retraining. and kids kept coming. that never stopped. i can honestly say my class wasn’t settled until december, and i started in september. everyday it was ‘its fine, it will get better’. 

a year in that shithole, with 0 support, and i lost all the weight i gained - and more. i was the skinniest i had ever been. even in highschool. i looked at old pictures of myself from when i started the job at my heaviest. i couldnt believe that was me. and i was so happy looking at myself in the mirror. for once! 

after i quit that job, i started another job that i hoped would be a happy ending.

and it wasn’t. it stressed me out just as much. i also moved out by this point, a month after i started this job. my hours are whack. 7-9, 11:30-6. i woke up early and got home late. i never had free time. my last shift at my old job was 7-3:30 and i had the whole day to myself. im someone that needs social interaction and alone time, and by the time i got home i was so tired, i would just cook, clean, shower, and go to bed. and that was my life. sometimes i would get so tired that i couldn’t cook, i just went and ate out. i tried to make personal time with my friends after work but by the time i reached their house, it was late, and places were closed. and id have to leave early anyways because i had work early the next day... so fast food was the only way to make this work. on top of this, this was the most difficult class that i had ever had. the kids behaviours’ were so difficult and i couldn’t handle it. i would cry in my car 3x a week. i would cry 4 minutes before my shift starts in the washroom and walk out and pretend i was okay. i would have my boyfriend come over as much as i could just so i could cry in his arms. i couldnt leave this job because i had just moved out and having a consistent rent payment was a huge responsibility for me. as well, if you know anything about ECEs in canada, just know we make shit pay. but this job pays me better than most ECE jobs... by a landslide. AND gives me benefits, which is so hard to find. i am still at this job - i was at my breaking point at the time covid started, so i was rejoicing when we closed for covid. i havent worked since march, but i needed that time off so desperately. 

with that being said, i gained the weight back.

not everything, but i definitely could tell i was packing on some pounds.

cue covid.

i havent worked since march. i fell back into a lazy routine of ordering fast food. lying in bed. resting. just enjoying NOT dealing with my difficult class. 

but i gained it all back. and i think im back at my heaviest weight. i picked up all my summer clothes from last year from my moms... half of them dont fit me. my favourite pair of shorts won’t close. i just sat and cried in a mess of clothes on my floor in front of the mirror. this was last week.

im trying to tell myself, ‘you’re in the middle of a global pandemic, go easy on yourself’... but do you know what it’s like to finally get what you’re chasing, and have it be taken away from you? i finally had a taste of what it was like to look AND feel good about myself. something ive wanted since i was a teenager...and it’s gone. it’s my fault and i accept that, so please don’t tell me i did this to myself. i know i did. but i can still be upset about it. i look in the mirror and i try to suck my stomach in and pretend nothing changed but its not the same. i see old pictures of myself, especially that bikini pic. ironically, i captioned it “i will never have the confidence to take a bikini pic again”... and here we are. i look at the clothes i wore last year and remember how fucking good i felt wearing them. i try putting them back on and seeing my stomach bulging and my arms looking fat and my love handles, something i didn’t see last year. and i just take them off and opt to wear something frumpier that doesnt hug my figure.

i try to tell people about how i feel but i cant take those ‘love yourself and all your flaws’ campaigns seriously. i dont think i can listen to another ‘you have to just keep faking it until you make it and if u just tell urself ur beautiful u will feel beautiful!’

because if you’re me, you know you cant kid yourself. if you’re me you can’t ‘love every flaw’. you fixate on them. and you let them define you. and if youre me, flaws are all you see.

i hate myself for getting back to this point. 

i have a very supportive boyfriend that knows about all this, who is trying to actively get me to go on runs with him. we are trying to go for walks more and be out and about. he reminds me of little things, like if we are getting bubbletea he will suggest i go with less sugar. he is trying, we are trying. and i appreciate him so much.

today i complained in my car about this to my boyfriend, again. for the millionth time. and he still was supportive. but i just feel like i cant keep doing this to him. he said something today, which i think was him trying to give me a reality check to show me that i cant just wish i could starve myself and overwork myself to lose weight and call it a day... but it stung. he said “i don’t want to be with someone that’s not healthy. i have standards too” and i realized then he deserves so much better than to fucking babysit my complaining ass. i am 24. and i shouldnt be putting this on him. he is an adult with problems just as real as mine and i shouldnt be burdening him with this anymore. 

im scared to talk to him about how that comment made me feel, because he’s so right, and he has every right to leave me. i would honestly. the amount that i worry and fixate on all my flaws and complain and have crying breakdowns about this is not fucking normal. and it shouldnt be his problem. i just want him to be with someone that doesnt give him this baggage. he met me in my ‘prime’ days when i just started getting my skinny body last year. when we finally started dating, we were super sexually active. and i mean, having sex like 15 times a week. im not kidding. now we havent had sex in almost an entire month. i dont feel sexy anymore and its impacting my sex drive.. he tries to start it with me and i just can’t because i feel like he is probably repulsed by my body. this is a huge huge huge problem, seeing as sex was a huge part of our relationship (we are very emotionally in tune with one another, but sex was a great addon because we both love it so much). i hate the way i look without clothes on. i cant bring myself to do it because it makes me feel like shit about myself.

but we are moving in together next month. and that is a huge step. and i am worried that i will never change, and he’s going to feel like he’s stuck with me because he’s moving 40 minutes away from his hometown to live with me. i almost want us to break up so he can be with someone with less baggage but i also love him and i want to be better for him and for us. 

someone please help me. 

[flannelpunkcalum]

WANT YOU BACK, TOO

“I-”

“The thing is-”

They both stop.

“You first.” Y/N says, thinking she's being polite, but Calum shakes his head.

“You know how I feel.”

I know you know I will never get over you

Y/N licks her lips. “Fair enough.”

(GOD sorry this took so long but it’s also literally 4 times longer than the original WHICH IS A LOT.

anyway they bone in this one. 

8k words, smut, angst, and really cheesy descriptions of love.

read part one here)

Y/N usually tried to focus on the positive. If she was going into an exam, she focused on how prepared she was, how cunning she could be. If she was going to a job interview she imagined clicking with the employer immediately and getting hired on the spot. Maybe it helped the most positive outcome happen, she didn't know. That said, the second they were wheels up she started thinking about plane crashes. Fiery ones.

This was a mistake. She was en route to New York to see Calum for the first time in months and it was such a mistake.

Y/N didn't like to fuck up in the same way twice, which is why she stayed friends with her exes if they wanted, but never more. She never entertained the thought. And Calum - he had ruined her, a little. Before she had him she had always felt fine spending time on her own, but it had been weeks and she couldn't even watch Netflix without thinking about how much better it had been with him next to her.

Sometimes she thought that even the time she had spent furious at him was felt better anything she could do alone. They had broken up for a reason, but that was hard to remember at times like this, when she felt restless for him. He always said that she helped keep him sane in his crazy stupid rockstar world - she was starting to think that he had done the same for her.

The man in the seat next to her had settled down for a nap as soon as the flight attendants had finished their speech. Y/N had been ignoring him, but now she turned towards him and pretended he was Calum. If they were still together, where would they be going together, on the edge of winter?

Well, for one, she would be in business class.

It's easy to joke about it, but Y/N knows what comes next. When she starts to think about Calum and her, she can't turn her brain off until it's done. It's probably unhealthy.

Really, if they were still together, he would have flown her out the second she had a break from school to wherever he was in the world. He’d send a car for her, probably, have a driver waiting for her with a sign with her name on it. Maybe a snack in the car if he was feeling really considerate. He’d probably have something set up in his hotel room for when she got there, fancy candles at least, and champagne, the cheap kind, the kind she likes. Maybe he’d be busy and come in later, but if he was there would be lingerie laid out, she's sure, or that sweater that she likes but didn't steal. And she'd put that on and nothing else and she'd wait for him, because she’d be in love.

Y/N tries to get through the next part quick, like ripping off a bandaid.

He’d kiss the taste of champagne out of her mouth and they’d fuck like rabbits and order room service and and talk and fuck like rabbits again until they tired each other out and it would be good, like the last time, like every time.

That's what would happen if they were still together.

But they're not.

Y/N is trying not to get her expectations up. For anything. She knows there's gonna be a big serious conversation, and she's dreading that, but other than that… Jesus, she doesn’t do this. She doesn’t even know what she wants from this. She’s gonna be lost and confused and aching in New York.

Calum better fucking buy her tickets to MoMA or she’s rioting.

The seatbelt sign flicks back on all too soon. Y/N wishes she lived a little further away from New York right now, so she had more time to sort through her thoughts. She’d been putting it off for days now, trying not to ask herself if she wants something with Calum again. Now she wishes she had, so she wouldn’t be suffering on the plane next to some guy from the midwest.

Unfortunately, the plane doesn’t crash, and Y/N’s only brought a carry on so she doesn’t get to stall at the baggage carousel. She texts Calum as soon as she touches down, because - fuck him, honestly - he had been determined to come and pick her up this time. Maybe that's a little harsh. It's not that she doesn't want to see Calum, she does, she loves just hanging out with him, it's just- she doesn't know what he wants from this, from her. That sounds stupid since he wrote and recorded a song about how he wants to get back together, but she can't help it. He said she didn't have to make any promises, just to come and see what happens. That makes it sound like he wants something to happen, just doesn't give her a clue about what. Like, does he just want to hook up, or does he want to make it “official” and post about her on Instagram?

The thing is, she doesn’t know if anything’s changed since the last time. She’s still guarded. He is, too. He’s still living like a rockstar. She’s still living like a student. They’re both busy, and it frustrated them both so much when they didn’t get the time they wanted together, and then they’d rub each other raw and then they’d argue and then they’d fight, say things they didn’t mean.

And if that had been it, the breakup would have stuck and she wouldn’t be finding her way through Arrivals at JFK.

Here’s the thing, though; it had been wonderful. When they were good they were so, so good, like nothing she’d ever felt before. Holding Calum’s full attention was almost overwhelming. When he focused on you you felt it, like the sun on your skin, but it was all just coming from one golden boy. Y/N had never met someone who could make her feel like that. And yeah, they were both trying to protect themselves, but even guarded he was such a giver. He knew he was lucky, he had so much, and whenever she let him he’d share it with her. It had meant a lot to the both of them. They’d both said some pretty awful things to each other after a late night. Every time, though, Calum would give her these beautiful fucking apologies that made her feel human again. Y/N is a little scared that she won’t be able to feel whole in a relationship without that pretty chaos, just because of how good it felt to have him speak tenderly to her after a fight.

Still, Y/N needs to focus. “Can there be love without pain” is a question for some pretentious philosopher, not for her, and anyway if she’s not careful she’s gonna walk right on to a plane to El Salvador.

She had texted Calum as soon as they landed, to let him know she was making her way out, and now he texts her telling her where the car is waiting. It feels weird, to be talking to him again like nothing ever happened. For weeks she moved through the world itching to tell him about her day, and now that she has the chance she’s paralyzed, somehow. She’s making the effort, though; as she fights her way through the airport she sends him the lady across from me ob the plane took off her soes AND socks as soon as we took off im dying with one hand.

The car is a black Audi, and Y/N finds it after a few seconds standing in the grey New York afternoon. She tosses her carry on into the trunk (she doesn’t blame Calum for not wanting to come out) and takes a deep breath.

She opens the door to the backseat and sees him, and the rush of relief nearly kills her. When she goes to sit down on her side of the car, she’s already reaching out, and Calum catches hold of her and tugs her across the seats into his arms.

Fuck, she missed him.

“Hi,” she says.

She feels him press his face into her hair. “Hi,” he mumbles.

The car starts moving, and she pulls away to put her seatbelt on. She has to slide over so she’s not sitting in the middle. That would be weird, right? Adults don’t usually sit in the middle seat, no matter who their ex is.

Y/N has to stop overthinking this stuff.

“So. You ’n the boys seem like you’re doing well.” She says, smiling. She’s a little proud of them, even though she’s got no claim on ‘em anymore.

Calum ducks his head. “Yeah, the new single, it’s- we’re all really happy about it.”

“Well, you’re welcome.” She teases.

“Oh, right, yes, thank you for breaking my heart, very kind of you. How can ever I repay you, sweetheart?”

Y/N wants to pretend she doesn’t feel warm inside when he calls her that, but her toes curl in her shoes. “Well, a muffin basket would be a start.”

They’re both smiling at each other, and Y/N knows if things weren’t so fucking weird he would have kissed her.

He doesn’t, though.

Calum doesn’t talk much on the way to the hotel, asking her about herself and her classes as much as possible. It’s probably all the interviews he’s in, eventually all the questions feel the same, she’s sure. It can be hard to get him to talk.

It feels nice, though. Some parts of her want him back in her life, you know?

There’s only so much you can say about college, though, and as they get closer to the hotel they get back on even footing. “I haven’t been in New York since I was like, twelve. What are the cool spots? Is it still hip to go to the M&M's factory?” She asks as they start to stall in traffic. She’s not sure if she believes in that whole ‘crazy New York energy’ thing, but she does find anticipation rising in her as they get deeper into the city.

“I was gonna ask you what you wanted to do, actually. Like, we can do those touristy things if you want, I don’t mind. There’s a place that does this Macbeth show, it’s a hotel, and I know you like that shit, but if you want we can-”

Calum looks a little worried all of a sudden, so Y/N cuts him off. “Hey, I’m here for like a week, we’ll figure something out. Don’t stress. I’ve had like seventeen midterms in the last three days, so that plane ride was like a vacation in itself, my man.”

Calum smiles at that, but it’s not bright, not usual. “‘My man’? ‘S that where we’re at?”

Oh good. Relationship talks. Y/N had been really worried they wouldn’t get to that. Not that she wanted to ignore it, but- fuck. “I dunno. I haven’t seen you for a really long time, I don’t want to get ahead of myself.” She says finally, glancing at the Uber driver. Is Calum famous enough for it to be worth their while to tell a magazine about what they’re saying? Is that a thing?

“Yeah, no, I understand. It doesn’t - like, you’d tell me if me callin’ you sweetheart and all was bothering you, right?”

Calum’s literally a rockstar, he’s a confident fucking guy, but they’re both edgy all of a sudden. It’s like the first time they dated, only about a hundred times worse; instead of waiting to be kissed she thinks they’re both waiting for both their hearts to be broken. Y/N has to try to fix this (she fucked things up the first time around, it’s only fair), so she makes a joke. It’s what she does. “Oh, Calum, if it was bothering me I would be in another Uber right now. I actually would have called an Uber to this Uber and like - on the bridge, I would have jumped to the other car - it would have looked really badass.”

Calum laughs politely, and she can breathe easier, but things still feel out of alignment.

It doesn’t take too long for them to get to the hotel after that. Calum directs the driver to the back door, by the dumpsters. He beats her to the trunk, grabbing her bag before she gets the chance. “I can get it.” She insists, but he’s already got it slung over his shoulder. “You haven’t seen me for ages, I’m really buff now.”

“I know you can, ‘m just not gonna let you.” Calum says, distinctly smug.

Y/N does her best pout, but here’s the deal; she goes fucking weak at the knees when Calum takes care of her. “You’re a tyrant.” She says, following him up a set of stairs, where he unlocks a door.

“That’s right.” Calum waits for her to get inside and for the door to close behind her before he hip-checks her. It’s very considerate of him.

Maybe she should have thought about this before, but oh, shit. Where is she supposed to sleep?

Calum leads her into an elevator and presses a button for a very high floor, so her ears almost pop as they ascend. But they didn’t stop by the front desk, which means she’s staying in Calum’s room, and she’s willing to bet good money that it’s not a double.

And if she’s honest, she knows some guilty part of her is desperate for his touch again. She hadn’t expected to be back in her ex-boyfriend’s bed so soon, is all.

It’s like Calum can read her mind as he unlocks the door. “There’s only the one bed, but I cleared out one of the drawers if you want to unpack. I was hoping-” He drops his keys on the table, her bag on the floor, and turns to her. “I was hoping we could share. I know we’re - we’re broken up, but I think I sleep better with you next to me.”

Y/N wants to sleep with Calum again. That’s not the issue. If it was just about being in his arms, curling up on his chest and letting him keep her warm, then fuck, yeah, she would already be in her pjs. She just doesn’t want to walk into something that destroys her, and she thinks if she gets back into the same mess she had with him she’ll get cut to ribbons by their sharp edges. “I-” She starts, and then she stops herself. She wants to do this right. “We should have our weird relationship talk first. Right? I like you, Calum, you know I do, but I can’t- we can’t hurt each other again, you know?”

“Yeah,” Calum says, too quickly. “Yeah, of course. You want me to order room service first, or-”

Y/N didn’t get much of a lunch on the plane, but all of a sudden she’s got no appetite. “Not for me, thanks.”

“Alright.” Calum says, shifting his weight. He leads Y/N into the living room, gestures for her to sit on the couch. She goes for the armrest, and he stays standing, running a hand through his hair. Even their positioning is awkward.

“I-”

“The thing is-”

They both stop.

“You first.” Y/N says, thinking she's being polite, but Calum shakes his head.

“You know how I feel.”

I know you know I will never get over you

Y/N licks her lips. “Fair enough.” She agrees. Fuck. She thought of a million ways to say this since their phone call, but now that he's here- she doesn't want to hurt him, and that's all she really knows. “Obviously, I'm here in New York, I want to see you. I miss you. And I think I still have-” She can't say she still has feelings for him. It's too ugly, too cliché. “-um, I miss you.” She repeats instead. Calum doesn't move. “But when we broke up it was the right thing to do, you know? We hurt each other a lot. And I don't know if I’ve changed.”

“I mean, you said you got super buff, so...” Calum grins, though it looks stiff.

Y/N laughs a little, just for him. “I'm super buff now, I could bench press a car, but I don't know if I can do long distance right. You know? It’s not- Cal, it's not a hard no,” she says quickly, because he looks agonized. Well, and she means it. “I just don't know what's different. I can’t go through that again.”

Calum is quiet for a long moment, which makes Y/N feel even worse. Is this whole week gonna be like this? “I get it.” He says, after a long moment.

Something inside Y/N breaks. She had hoped that Calum had met her here with a plan (or at least some really expensive lingerie) to get her back, to make them work. Songs can make empty promises, after all, and that's what she had been scared of - that he’d say that he’d do anything for her and then do anything but change. She misses him, enough to say it out loud, misses his touch and his laugh and that goofy fucking smile you have to earn from him. If he decides there’s no hope for them, is he gonna kick her out? Of his life, or- oh, shit, of his suite. He wouldn’t, she knows, but she doesn’t really have the money right now to stay-

“I read Macbeth.”

Y/N’s head jerks up from where she was staring at the carpet. “What?”

“I, uh, read Macbeth. The whole thing. And Einstein’s Dreams, you know- ‘bout a month or two ago I went through all our conversations and I read all the articles and books you said I should read but I didn't. I should have told you-”

“I knew you weren't reading those. It's okay, really.” Y/N says. She's not mad. She had been mad about it when they broke up, but now it's just shitty and she's over it. Their relationship didn't fall apart because he wasn't reading enough Shakespeare, that was for sure.

Calum smiles stiffly. “No, it's not. Those were good books, but when I was trying to read them they reminded me how smart and… and dimensional you are. I think, while we were together, I let myself forget. I should have been better to you. Y/N, I was falling in love with you, and I hate myself because I didn’t show you. I let you walk away.”

Her heart spasms, but he looks so sad when he says it. She can’t let that happen. “We both made mistakes-” Y/N starts.

“No.” Calum says, stepping forwards to stop her. “No. I mean, you said some mean shit, but only after I ignored you and brushed you off for weeks. I deserved it. Most of what you said was true, anyway, I was bein’ a- what was it you said? A bratty little shithead.” Y/N isn't proud of that. “Anyway, it was true. We had some bad fucking days, and the make-up sex was fun and all, but I’m willing to give that up to have you stay in my life.”

“You’re a martyr.” Y/N can’t help but tease. What he said in the car comes back to her; did she really break his heart? Calum looks miserable, even though he smiles at her joke.

“Yeah, well,” he says. “I think I was scared, before. I am- I was falling in love with you, and I didn’t want - well,” he gestures at their positions. She’s still sitting on the armrest like a bird on a wire, he’s just within arm’s reach. It’s a terrible distance.

She hadn’t wanted this, either.

Calum runs a hand through his hair and takes a deep breath before he continues. “I think maybe that’s why I was so shitty. I know that’s not an excuse,” He says, before she can say anything. “I’m trying to be better. I am. I want to read the books you’re passionate about and listen to the music you love and kiss you on the cheek in every picture we’re in. I just- tell me what I have to do for you to give me another chance.”

So that’s it. The ball is all the way in her court.

Y/N looks up at him for a long moment.

She knows what she wants. If love is like the ocean, she would choose to drown for him. She wants him back again. It seems simple, when she puts it that way, frames it as what she wants. But she was always the sensible one. She won’t let herself hurt him like that again. She doesn’t want to break his heart - not more than she already has.

“Let’s just- let’s just have this week.” She says, carefully. Like the ceiling might cave in. “Seven days can be a long time. Let’s just do what we want for one fucking week and see where it leaves us at the end. I- Calum, I’m bad at this, but you know… you know what you mean to me. Love is a verb, you know? Let’s just do what feels right. And I’m not trying to say I -” She rushes to add (she didn’t miss the way his body jolted) “-like, you know, the “L” word, I know that it’s not the time. I just-”

“Does that mean I can kiss you?”

Y/N blinks. Stands. “Yes.”

She had braced herself for him to kiss her like a starving man, but he reaches out and cups her face in both hands, fingers cool and dry. He keeps his eyes open as he leans in, searching hers until they’re too close to see anything.

Then their lips meet like sun meets rain.

Calum kisses her like slowly as she winds her fingers into his hair, like she’s made of glass, like she’s made of sugar. He doesn’t move his hands until she pulls her own body closer to his, and then he feels his way to her waist to keep her there. The gentle drag of their open mouths floods her body with warmth for what feels like the first time in fucking weeks.

It must not be long before they pull apart, but Y/N feels breathless.

“I missed you so fucking much.” Calum says, and this time when he pulls her in there’s real heat behind it. His tongue presses into her mouth with intent, and for once she lets him direct the kiss to show her just how goddamn much he missed her. She wants this so much her body aches when he pulls away again. “I’m gonna be so good to you, promise, I-”

Y/N cuts him off with her mouth on his. Promises make her nervous, but more importantly, Calum kisses like he did before they split and she missed that. It feels like she’s blushing over her whole body - almost like a kid, only there’s nothing innocent about what she wants to do with him.

Maybe she shouldn’t, but… all they have is a week. Maybe not even that. And fuck it, she wants to do love.

She stands on her tiptoes, pressing a little harder against him. She wants to direct this, but Calum pulls away again. He’s panting. They both are.

“We can start over, baby.” He says. “I’m just- I’m so happy to have you back.”

He’s still cupping her face, but he doesn’t pull her back in, and she takes that chance to speak. “We can’t do that.” She says, but she has to hurry to continue because she sees the fear that flashes across Calum’s face. “I mean- if we start over this is technically our first date, and I don’t fuck on the first date.”

She grins, but Calum doesn’t. All of a sudden he’s unreadable. Did she say something wrong? Already? She can feel his grip change on her hips, like he’s thinking about letting go. Her fingers relax in his hair, in case he pulls away, so she doesn’t hurt him-

He tosses her over his shoulder before she knows what’s happening, and then she is gleefully upside-down with his hand on her ass keeping her steady. She can see her bag on the bedroom floor as they pass by it, anticipation rising in her stomach.

God, she was trying to be cool, but he is so, so, so sexy she could spontaneously combust.

She only has a moment to take it in before he stops, and then she’s head-over-heels again until her back hits the bed. Before she can get her bearings back, Calum’s climbed his way back on top of her and is brushing the hair out of the way for another kiss. He’s not shy; there’s no air between them, his chest pressed hard against hers. One elbow is planted by her head, holding him up, and the other is running down her ribs, pawing at the hem of her shirt. She can feel him smiling against her lips before he pulls away. “You couldn’t wait five fucking minutes, could you?” He says, but she can hear that he’s teasing and anyway the way he’s trying to ease her shirt off says more than enough.

His lips go to her neck, so she can feel his stubble as he lays kisses down, looking for a weak spot. “I’m sorry, did you carry me to your bed like a caveman for something else? You didn’t wait five seconds.” She jokes. Her breath hitches as he moves a little lower, closer to her collarbone. He always finds those spots. It would be a curse if it didn’t feel so good.

Calum knows it, too. “What did you say?” When she starts to respond he bites down, just enough to make her squirm and snap her mouth shut before she can fucking squeal. He’s still playful, she can feel his lips moving against her skin when he says, “Sorry, didn’t catch that.”

“Shut up,” she manages, and swats him on the shoulder.

He catches her wrist as she draws back, and pins it to the bed right next to her head. She doesn’t miss the way the muscles in his arm flex to hold her down.They're both breathing shallowly; Calum’s close enough that she can feel his chest rise and fall just like hers. Y/N feels a little lightheaded, all of a sudden. When he leans in and kisses her again, it's less playful, there's real heat behind it. He kisses her deeper, and she parts her lips to let him, this time. He draws back, and rest his forehead against hers. They're close enough that their breath mingles between them.

They've both still got their clothes on, but this feels like the most intimate she's ever been with Calum. Neither of them speak for a long moment. His brown eyes lock with hers, and he is beautiful but she feels that gaze low in her belly. One of his hand is still on her ribs, but he's not pawing at her shirt anymore, just smoothing his thumb over her side like he can't stop touching her. She wants to kiss him again, but she can't bring herself to ruin this moment.

Eventually Calum huffs out a breath - was that a sigh? - and lets go of her wrist to haul her shirt over her head with both hands. Immediately, Y/N’s hands go to her back to undo her bra clasp. Calum helps slip her bra off her arms and doesn't waste a second throwing it into some corner of the hotel room before he’s back on her, kissing along the side of her neck and down her chest. It feels /good/ as his steady hands find her breasts, grasping at them firm enough for her to really feel it. He’s still kissing a path downwards, pausing to unbuckle her belt. Y/N plants her feet and lets Cal drag her jeans and panties off, but it feels wrong, her being all undressed while he’s still wearing his t-shirt.

As soon as she sits up to tear that damn thing off him, Calum grabs her hands and laces them with his, pressing them down to the mattress. “Baby,” he murmurs, “I wanna focus on you, tonight, please. Let me show you how much I missed you.”

Calum's great in bed, she's not gonna deny it, but it's not what makes her quiet. He means that. He's an intense guy, but she's never seen his dark eyes like this, like he can see right through her. She has to take a deep breath.

“Please.” She says.

Calum grins at that, and lets go of her hands to press her thighs apart.

Y/N sits back on her elbows, because Calum eating her out is a hell of a view, but that's not what he does. Once he has her legs spread he starts to kiss the inside of her thigh, so fucking close to where she needs him. She thinks he's just trying to tease, but then he starts kissing with intent, nipping and sucking like he's… he's trying to mark her up. He'd never done that before, although whether it was from trying to avoid paps or just class she wasn't sure. But this- it feels good, to see him kissing on her like it was his last day on earth. It's just very new.

“Cal, what’re you-” She starts to ask, but before she can finish he pulls off of her leg and licks a big stripe up her pussy, right up the middle, and her brain goes a little fuzzy. She moans softly, to let him know it feels good and to please keep going, but he goes back to working on her leg, lifting her knee to get a better angle. His tongue sweeps over her skin in a way that would feel so damn good just a few inches away, but when she tries to shift to direct him over, he just holds her leg a little firmer. “Jesus, don’t tease.”

Calum pulls away again and Y/N’s stomach swoops because his lips are glossy from playing with her. He almost looks smug. “From the way you’re dripping you don’t seem to mind, angel.” He says, and Y/N tries to look unaffected but she knows it’s not working. “I’m gonna make you feel so fucking good, just let me take my time with you. Want every inch of you tonight. Trust me.” He adds.

Well, she’s not gonna argue with that.

Y/N goes back to resting on her elbows, toes curling in the sheets as Calum goes back to dragging his teeth over her thigh. The spot’s starting to get a warm little ache, but the way he looks at it when he pulls away goes all the way through her. It’s just for a second, but she feels his grip relax, like he doesn’t have to hold her so tight now that he’s got a mark on her. Maybe that’s exactly what he’s thinking, too. He presses a quick peck to the red spot, and reaches up to play with her nipple as a reward. /Nice/. She shifts a little in his grip, she can’t help it.

“You like that?” Calum grins.

“Fuck,” she moans, despite herself. His other hand is still holding her leg open for him and he’s so fucking close to where she needs him but he’s not biting. She knows from experience he wants her to beg, but she’s not ready to play, not quite yet. She might be lying back for him, but she can still do a little teasing of her own. “You got anything else planned?”

Calum smirks a little more at that, somehow, and lets go of her completely to sit back on his ankles. Y/N’s body shifts to follow him, unconsciously. “You know I do.” He says, pulling off his shirt. /Fuck/, was he always this built or was this new? His skin is intoxicating. “Like I said, I’m gonna take my time. You gonna be good for me?”

“Aren’t I always?”

Calum looks up briefly from where he’s undoing his belt. “No. That’s why I fell in love with you.”

Before she can even start to process that, he’s fumbled his belt off and presses in to kiss her, catching one of her hands in his and steadying her at the waist. “You know,” he gasps in between kisses, “‘thought so many times about what I was gonna do to you once I got you back, don’t even know where to start. So much I wanna do to you.” He laughs. “And with you, I guess. But right now-” He starts to kiss down her neck again, gently.

She doesn’t mean to say it, but- “I want you to fuck me.”

“Gimmie time, angel,” He smiles as he pulls away.

“No, now, please, Cal, I’m so ready for you.” Y/N urges, and when he pauses she runs his hand, in hers, down her body to where she’s warm and aching for him.

Calum’s eyebrows crease. Not a lot, but even in her haze she can tell. “Baby, wanna make you feel good first, get you-” As he lets go to feel her up, he presses two fingers inside her, easy. She’s soaking. She can feel it, and she sees in his face he can too. “...shit.”

“Please.” She says again, and Calum’s face goes a little soft. She knows he loves it when she goes all quiet and nice, just for him, and she’s glad because she doesn’t want to wait. She wants- twenty minutes ago she didn’t know what she wanted but now she knows she wants him in her, looking into her eyes, she wants to watch him cum and flop down next to her and smile and pull her back into his arms. She wants to do love. She wants it with him.

Calum kisses her once, quickly. “Whatever you want.” It sounds like a promise but it doesn’t scare her, not this time.

Pants. Socks. They’re gone in a second and Calum is ready, cock hardening in his hand as he fumbles for a condom the bedside table. Y/N sits up too as he find one, to help him roll it on.

Well, he couldn’t sit there looking so beautiful and serious about making love to her and expect her to keep her hands off him. He tries though, using one hand at her waist to lay her back down. “Missed you.” She says to his dick as her back hits the pillows, and Calum chuckles above her.

She tries not to feel like it’s life changing, as he lines himself up with her, but it is. He’s still smiling as he pushes into her, and she can see it change into something /else/ as he starts to bottom out. Y/N is suddenly overwhelmed with how lucky she is that this man, smart and great and terrible, he saves this for her. At the same time she can feel him filling her like he used to, and her fingernails dig into his shoulders. When he groans, he sounds like music.

Fuck.

They stay that way for a moment, like they’re locked together. Y/N cups his face with one hand. She likes the way her fingers look on his cheekbone, her thumb on his jaw, like maybe she could keep him this time if she held tight.

She really had missed him.

He starts to move and it’s like she’s come back to life. It’s winter outside but her body feels like spring, and she reaches for him. Even hikes one leg up around her waist, and moans as it sends heat crackling through her body. Calum’s forehead rests on hers again. His nose is crinkled up, eyes closed, and he’s doing this sweet little groan every time he bottoms out. It’s just as intoxicating as the songs he wrote her, getting to see him like this. Only him- only her- fuck.

She’s close. She doesn’t know how, but she can feel her orgasm building in the pit of her stomach. No one-night stand compares, no other ex. Calum’s arms seem to be everywhere, and the motion of him- “Fuck, Calum,” and she’s not proud on the way her voice breaks but he leans in to kiss her again so it’s worth it.

He shifts his body just a little and suddenly his motion brushes her clit and she feels that shit in her toes. “Shit, baby, there, there, there-” The only thing that stops her begging is that he starts to fuck into her harder. She has to focus on breathing; it’s like he’s fucking the air right out of her lungs. His pace is still slow, still steady, but he’s making sure she feels every inch of him.

Y/N’s not stupid, she knows saying “I love you” during sex doesn’t count. But this doesn’t feel like just sex.

It’s scary. But as Calum grabs her waist, bumping his lips with hers, it feels right. Better. “So good, angel,” he says. Does he feel it, too?

The way he’s loving her is relentless. She’s starting to get close, record time, but as Calum suddenly stills and ducks his head down to kiss her, she can tell he’s almost there. She’s still cradling his face, and she gently tugs his lips away from hers. “Calum, I’m really close, I-”

“Don’t wanna wait, do you, baby?” He teases- or tries to. But he’s panting too hard for him to play cool.

She shakes her head. “Waited three months.” The weight and width of him isn’t enough; she’s about thirty seconds from trying to wrestle him over onto his back and taking over.

Calum huffs out a breath above her and smiles, ducking back down to kiss her. Yes. “You’re lucky you’re so pretty.” He says, but there’s no heat behind it. His eyes are crinkly as he kisses her quickly, and then while her eyes are still closed he tucks his face into the crook of her neck and starts to move again.

She always liked the way he’d hold to keep them close. Like two halves of a locket. This time, though, she’s practically got herself wrapped around him, with her leg around his waist, one hand in his hair, one hand on his bicep to keep anchored (and, wow, he has not been skipping arm day). He feels like fire around her, all warm skin and hot breath on her shoulder, and it’s kindling something inside her, too.

It’s like the unbearable tension of three months apart is threatening to overtake her, along with the beautiful ache of Calum inside her and the way he keeps brushing her clit with every stroke- it’s a lot, and Cal groans as she catches hold of his curls. She needs something to keep her steady. “Come on, baby,” he says, in between gasps of his own.

She’s close, she’s so, so close, and she hauls Calum’s head up by the hair and kisses him and closes her eyes and it hits her like a fucking tsunami. He keeps kissing her as her mouth falls open and she ruts her hips up into his, fast, and he speeds up in response- all she can do is feel the way his cock sends waves through her and hang on for dear life. With a groan, he pushes deep into her and stays there and she can feel him cumming, doing tiny little bucks of his hips that make her whimper as her own high starts to fade.

Eventually Calum settles in her arms, and she releases her hold on his hair. When she opens her eyes, he’s resting his forehead on hers, catching his breath.

He looks really fucking good like this.

He’s resting most of his weight on his elbows, but before she can untangle her leg from him he pulls her into his chest and rolls over so he’s on his back. His cock is still buried deep in her, and as she squirms a little he tosses a second arm around her. “Stay.” He murmurs, and although Y/N hadn’t been planning on going far she settles.

Calum looks fucked out, sweat beading like diamonds on his brow. His eyes are half open, like he’s gotta keep watch on her, but she wouldn’t have it any other way. All the hard, worried lines she had caused in his face have softened, and it feels like she might have done good by him for once.

...it had been really good sex, but maybe that was reading too much into it.

She tries to press herself up, to see him better, but as soon as Calum feels her movement he shakes his head. “You should save your energy, love.” His words rumble through his chest.

Y/N smiles. “You got big plans, Hood?”

“You didn’t let me take my time, remember?” He smiles back. She can hear it in his voice. “I’ve got a lot more to do to you before I let you out of this bed.”

She smiles at that. Fuck like rabbits, check. There’s still something bothering her, though. An aching in her inner thigh that won’t let her rest. “Cal?” She asks, after one more second of stillness. “Can I ask you why you had to make a love bite on my thigh?”

She can feel him tense up under her, and nerves pool in her stomach. Was that bad? They can’t have fucked this up already, can they? “I just… yeah. Um,” Calum starts, after a long second. “I realized after you left that I, uh, never got to leave any on you before and I needed to do it before I lost you again. I put it somewhere out of the way. Somewhere I’d be the only one to see it. Or… I don’t want to be jealous with you but if there’s someone else I want them to see it and know that there’s someone who…” Calum rushes. Y/N peeks up and sees that his eyes are shut tight, face aimed up at the ceiling. “...who cares so much for you.”

Y/N doesn’t know what to say. She presses a gentle kiss to Calum’s chest while she tries to think, but she can’t follow any of that up with sweet words. “‘M gonna leave a hickey on your dick.” She says, after a long moment, and Calum laughs underneath her.

It feels right.

“Is that even possible?”

“Only one way to find out.” Y/N grins. “Hey, if I suck your dick will you take me to the aquarium tomorrow?”

“Only one way to find out.” He says. “Just… in a minute, okay? Lemme hold you.”

Calum’s going soft inside her as she snuggles a little closer into his arms. The future’s unclear, but one thing’s for sure; it feels really fucking good to be back.

[written-seoks]

and that’s why i got all the power

BTS | Yoongi/Jungkook | College Swim AU | Mature

find this on ao3 here

Jungkook has looked up to Yoongi and Namjoon since his sophomore year in high school, when Yoongi and Namjoon were just entering their freshman year of college. So when Jungkook gets signed on to that same college in his senior year, he’s almost too nervous to swim properly. So Yoongi helps him out.

-

It's Yoongi that finds him in the blessed empty locker room (a rarity) after his disaster of a 100 IM.

He almost missed his event, and then had gained so much time that he had been last in his heat of 8. Everything that could go wrong, had gone wrong. He had dragged himself out of the water, breathing heavy. He had snatched his towel and sweatpants that he left on the staging chair and walked to the locker room, not meeting anyone's eyes . One of the other swimmers in his heat had bumped into him with his shoulder and had said, “This isn’t high school, kid.” With so much venom Jungkook stood still for a moment before running off. He'd almost tripped twice on his way to the locker room, ignoring Coach Jordan’s yell. He's annoyed and disappointed in himself. Even Jordan’s comforting confidence couldn’t help him now. He's frustrated himself almost to tears by the time Yoongi finds him, sitting on one of the benches.

Jungkook’s frustration only worsens when Yoongi shows him the finals' heat sheet. Thick eyebrows furrowed under blonde hair, fuming a little at Jungkook.

“Your time made the finals, but only by a hair; you’re number ten.” Fuck. Swim meets have Prelims and then, depending on the meet, finals either that evening or the next day. Only the top 10 in an event make it to the finals - although a swimmer can ‘scratch’ themselves out, so someone who was number 11 will become number 10 or even 9 because someone above them has scratched as well . That meant that Jungkook was safe as number 10. He might even move up to number 9. Yet, it meant that his swim in the finals would have to be a lot better than that abysmal time he went if he wants to place in top 5 .

“Hyung- I -” Jungkook, hyped up on adrenaline and nervousness, can’t string two words together. Instead, he frowns and looks down, frustrated with himself. He’s in college now, he shouldn’t have this problem anymore!

Yoongi studies him, tone softening, “What happened out there anyways? You looked, no offense, like a drowning cat.” He places a water-wrinkled hand on his shoulder.

Jungkook stares down at the damp sweatpants he had pulled on after his event before he had dried off, brain still not working right . He thumbs at the university logo stamped on his thigh. “I- I dunno. I dunno, hyung. I just got so, in my head? I guess?”

"Yeah, I could tell.” Yoongi scoffs. “You were shaking like a leaf when it was, like, event 2.” The men's 100 IM was event 10. Jungkook feels his cheeks heat with warmth at being so emotionallyunstable. He's a seasoned swimmer! He swam for 4 years in high school! Why is he acting like summer league kid at their first club meet? “I didn't want to say anything because you, uh, needed to go through that? I mean -” Yoongi looks like he's trying to backtrack. He sighs and pushes Jungkook further into the locker room by the chest, behind a divide to afford them some privacy . There's a mirror on their left that shows Jungkook’s swollen, red eyes when he glances into it.

Yoongi crowds him into the corner. “Jungkook-ah. We all went through this - I went through it when it was my first college meet, so did Namjoon. I clammed up before my first meet as well, I didn't say a word the whole way there. I even started shaking before the 200 Free. Namjoon was worse - he snapped all his caps before his race and then got disqualified on his turn." Yoongi laughs and places his hands on Jungkook's shoulders, looking him in the eye. "I have faith in you to turn this around Jungkook-ah."

Jungkook melts, he smiles helplessly at Yoongi. His shoulders slump and he lets Yoongi draw him in for a mind numbingly-good hug. He finally relaxes. Yoongi, his idol, someone he aspires to be like, has faith in him. He puts his arms around Yoongi and tugs him in closer, taking comfort in the warmth of his hyung.

He kills it in the 100 IM finals at that meet. He comes out first and jumps out of the pool, right into Yoongi's smiling, proud arms. He's absurdly happy. He even went a personal best. "Thanks, hyung," he whispers into Yoongi's shoulder.

~

Jungkook doesn't start to have problems again until it's January. State championships are coming up and he's terrified.

Not to mention the other big problem he's terrified about, the one that he started having around December, right before winter break . Right before Yoongi went back home for break. Right when Jungkook realized that he had a crush on Yoongi. Which was especially a problem because Jungkook spent two hours with him twice a day. And spend half an hour with him twice a day while they were both somewhat or fully naked in the locker room. And listen - Jungkook got used to locker room nudity quick, it's normal for swimmers and it's never been a problem before . But it's a little bit of a bigger problem when that nude person is your biggest crush since freshman year in high school .

Jungkook feels a little bit like a creep when he's talking with the other members in the locker room and he catches a glimpse of Yoongi changing, still covered with a towel . Even though Jackson is stark fucking naked next to him, chatting about his final in his psychology class . It's just... something swimmers get used to. Casual half-nudity, casual, accidental groping during practice.

But Jungkook cannot get used to seeing Yoongi pull himself out of the water after practice like a goddamn Greek god, slick with water, bangs in his eyes after he pulls off his cap .

His crush on Yoongi is terrifying. Yoongi is very close to JB, the senior captain who'll be graduating this year. And Yoongi is very, very close with Namjoon, who no one doubts will be captain next year. His crush on Yoongi could get him kicked off the team. With the stress of freshman year bearing down on him, swimming is his only comfort right now. And all that could change if someone found out about his crush on Yoongi. So he keeps quiet. Stops going to team outings when Yoongi is there. Avoids him during meets. Jungkook hopes that his crush will fade and he'll be able to be a normal friend to Yoongi.

Except that when they come back from winter break and Yoongi shows up at practice, Jungkook's crush comes back 10 times worse .

Fuck.

He can only hope that Yoongi hasn't noticed his weird behavior.

~

Yoongi has definitely Jungkook's weird behavior. He keeps trying to corner him after practice or when they see each other in the varsity room. Namjoon has even pulled Jungkook aside and asked him what is going on. Because his Crush on Yoongi is starting to affect swim and school and his social life. He'll drift off in practice and miss the set because Yoongi's laughing at something JB has said and he looks so good. He'll drift off in class because he's thinking of Yoongi. He's starting to become detached from the team because he's stopped hanging out with them. Because Yoongi is usually there.

Yoongi finally corners him in the varsity room. Everyone is trickling out to get an early night for their meet tomorrow morning. Jungkook, curled up on their soft couch in the corner, is tiredafter practice and a test and a long Overwatch session last night . He's running himself into the ground with swim and studying and gaming because any spare moment he has is spent thinking about Yoongi .

So, he's innocently curled up on the corner of the couch in a fetal position, legs curled to his chest when Yoongi approaches him .

Jungkook rises out of sleep when Yoongi sits next to his head and dips the couch towards him. "Gukkie - hey, wake up -" Yoongi shakes his shoulder, rubbing his back. Jungkook groans at the soothing stimulation. "Open your eyes, b- buddy." Jungkook snuffles and parts his eyes a little. "Come on, wake up." Yoongi hums and shakes his shoulder a little more, harder this time.

"Mmmm, yeah." Jungkook sighs, body responding tiredly . He rubs his eyes with his fists, yawning as he uncurls and sits up. Yoongi smiles sweetly at him as he lifts and, oh shit, he's so beautiful. Jungkook has to admit that in his sleepy haze, he hadn't realized that it had been Yoongi waking him up. And, as he's waking up, he realizes that there is no one else in the room. It's him and Yoongi. Alone. And Yoongi is giving him a look.

"Um... what's up, hyung?" Jungkook's voice is still slurred with sleep and his brain isn't working, but anyone could recognize that this is not going to be a normal conversation . It's also not going to be a conversation that Jungkook will enjoy. He can imagine how this will go, Yoongi's a nice guy so he'll be gentle but it's still going to break Jungkook's heart when he's rejected . Yoongi will say something about how Jungkook's a good guy and an okay swimmer, but it's too creepy to be on the same swim team with a gay guy that has a crush on him so if he could please get his stuff and get the fuck out, that'd be great, please never speak to him again .

"Jungkook-ah. Gukkie, are you listening to me?"

"Sorry, hyung, what was that?" Jungkook doesn't meet Yoongi's eyes.

"I said that I know you've been avoiding me. I - Well, I mean, you've been absent from the team hangouts and this is the first time I've seen you in the varsity room for weeks. I know that you were busy with school, maybe , but last semester you still made time for the team and, like, usually me 'n Namjoon would see you around separately from the team anyways but Namjoon tells me that he's been seeing you around, so I guess it's just me you've been avoiding . So, I'm sorry, if I did anything? Or if I make you uncomfortable -"

Jungkook stares at him in shock.

"What? Hyung, no - " But Yoongi keeps talking over him.

"I mean, I know that some people are uncomfortable with, like, gay people, and I guess us sharing a locker room probably doesn't help at all . I just mean, I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable and I, uh, wanted to ask you not to tell coach or any of the other guys because they'd kick me off the team ." Yoongi pauses his word vomit to sniffle and Jungkook's gaze snaps up to see Yoongi's eyes are wet. "I get it if you don't want to hang out with me anymore, and I appreciate you, um, not telling anyone - "

"Hyung, shut the fuck up for a minute." Jungkook puts a hand on Yoongi's shoulder and pauses to parse the information Yoongi piled on him. "You're gay?"

Yoongi jerks back, "You didn't know? I thought you knew? I thought that was why you were avoiding me because you heard I broke up with Jinyoung, you and JB hang out so I figured he must have told you... JB was kinda pissed," he blurts out. After a pause his eyes widen, "Shit, fuck, sorry I dumped all that on you then, I - wait, then why were you avoiding me?"

Jungkook recognizes the deflection and tries to deflect back, "Uh, I've just been, um -" He should tell Yoongi. He shouldn't tell Yoongi. Should he tell him? Yes. No. Fuck.

Yoongi frowns at the silence that hangs between them and then sighs, "You don't have to tell me." He nods to himself, expression distant, "I'm sorry for waking you up." He brushes Jungkook's hands off of his shoulders.

Jungkook sees his chance slip away. "Wait! Hyung, I- I'm -" He chokes on his tongue, Yoongi glances back at him, eyes still a little bit red from earlier. Jungkook tries to take a deep breath and coughs, chest burning. Yoongi's blank expression fades away and he looks concerned. Well, that's good, at least Yoongi kind of cares about him. "I'm - I'm gay too, hyung. Well, more like, um, bisexual, but I guess I identify more with the gay community because it's larger and more recognized- " He rambles almost unintelligibly .

Yoongi's face breaks out into a smile and he laughs once. "God, you sound like Namjoon, Kook."

~

It's the last meet before state, but Jungkook isn't worried. He's made state times in almost all his races two times over, he only has to worry about the specific invitational and junior nationals cuts coming up .

So why is he so jittery? He’s gonna slip and crack his head on the tile at this rate. He’s talked to Coach Jordan twice over and more and has warmed up as much as he should - even a little more than he should. He’s pacing around behind his block, headphones blasting but mind distracted.

It’s event 2.

He’s event 26.

Is it because Yoongi gave him a smile and a pat on the back? Is it because Yoongi is swimming and he’s been working on his back and bicep muscles? His deltoids are delectable and all Jungkook wants to do is bite into them…

Yoongi finally gets done with his 100 Backstroke with a fantastic 52.5 only to find a jittery and frustrated Jungkook waiting for him . So he takes matters into his own hands.

By dragging Jungkook into the locker room and pulling him into the back, behind a wall or two of lockers and around the corner .

~

“Jungkook-ah - I’m, I wanna help you calm down, hm? Will you let hyung take care of you?” Yoongi presses him further into the tile wall and noses into the crook of Jungkook’s neck, taking a deep breath of chlorine .

Well, this is... unexpected, to say the least.

Jungkook moans, riled up with adrenaline still coursing through his body from his race . “Yes, hyungie, please - please.” His hands grip at Yoongi's shoulders, digging in. He's trying not to grip hard enough to leave a bruise, but it's so hard when Yoongi's so close and all Jungkook wants is him to be closer .

“Gukkie - baby, you’re gonna have to quiet down, hm? Can’t you be quiet for hyung? We don’t want anyone hearing us, do we?” Jungkook bites down on the whine that wants to escape as Yoongi slowly presses kisses into his collarbone and along his deltoid . Yoongi's hands slip on the water covering his body, reaching his hips and then his ass, groping him over his swimsuit .

God, Yoongi's making it hard to keep quiet, but he can hear the roar of the water as races take place outside the locker room, reminding him of the chance that anyone could walk in . Namjoon could walk in looking for them - fuck - swimmers from the other university could come in to change or shower. Yoongi smiles into his shoulder when Jungkook can't hold back a groan at the feeling on Yoongi's long, perfect fingers pressing along the line of his thighs .  "Come on, you can be a good boy for hyung. Don't you want to be a quiet little slut for me? hm?"

Jungkook can only dip his head to Yoongi's shoulder and nod frantically - "Wanna - ah - wanna be good for you hyung." Jungkook lets his hands fall to the small of Yoongi's back, trapping him against Jungkook's body . Yoongi bites Jungkook's shoulder at the feeling of their hips colliding. "Hyung, Yoongi-hyung, can't - don't leave any marks -"

Yoongi hums, biting him again on his chest, "I know, baby, but you're just so - so tasty ."

Jungkook giggles, "Yoongi-hyung, I - ha - I'm not tasty!"

Yoongi shakes his head, "You're a snack, baby." He blows a raspberry on his upper stomach. Making Jungkook giggle even more.

"Shut up, Hyung! I'm not a snack!"

“Mmm, but you are, sweetheart.” Oh, how Jungkook’s weak heart quivered at the pet name - “You’re so sweet, I could eat you up. And you’d let me, wouldn’t you, honey. Would you like that?” The mood has almost given Jungkook whiplash because of how fast it had changed.

Jungkook’s moan at this reverberated throughout the locker room. Yoongi frowns dramatically , “Aw, sweetheart, you’ve gotta quiet down or hyung won’t give you what you want.” He reached up to pet Jungkook on the head as if he were a dog - “Be a good little boy for me and I’ll touch you as much as you want.” Jungkook’s knees become numb, become jelly, become air.

He collapsed into his hyung's arms and nodded, moaning at some silly little words. Who knew words could reduce him to such a mess?

“That’s not being quiet, baby. Do you need hyung to shut you up before he takes care of you?” The condescending questions Yoongi asked him added to the fog in his brain and daze in his eyes. Jungkook nods, kind of unsure what Yoongi was going to do… but, in his heart Jungkook trusts him. Then Yoongi takes a sharp turn into unknown territory by stuffing his silicone cap into Jungkook’s mouth .

It takes Jungkook a moment to breathe through his nose, but by then Yoongi is on his knees and he finds that breathing isn’t so important anymore .

~

He wins the event. He went a 19.10 second 50 FR. He went a personal best. Fuck.

His teammates crowd around him when he steps out, ignoring the other racers getting ready for the 50 BR. Yoongi is right there, grinning, satisfied. “Glad I could help, kid.” He mumbles into Jungkook’s ear, pulling him into a tight hug. It’s then that Jungkook quickly realizes that he’s wet and almost overheating. He almost collapses into Yoongi’s arms. “Go on Guk, go sit down and dry off. Joonie and Jackson have been coming up with inspiring quotes to write on people.”

Jungkook just stares at Yoongi for a moment, starstruck. “Okay, hyung. Um- Than-”

Yoongi pushes him off with a shoulder pat, “We’ll talk later, rest for your 50 FL okay?” SuddenlyJungkook is glad he didn’t sign up for the 50 BR this week. He’s not sure he could recover from having Yoongi go down on him and then doing a 19.27 second 50 FR in time for the 50 BR.

Anyways.

~

Through some careful scheming, Jungkook and Yoongi end up on the bus together. By careful scheming, Jungkook means that Jungkook had forgotten his deck shoes and Yoongi had been chatting with a senior from the other team so they were the last ones on the bus . So by the time they had gotten on, everyone else had already settled down for the long trip home. Sitting side by side, silent, while the rest of their teammates sleep is a great feeling, Jungkook thinks . What do you say to the hyung who you had big gay feelings for and who sucked your soul out not more than four hours ago?

Nothing, is the answer to that.

~

It takes two hours for Yoongi to break and start talking.

“Guk? Gukkie, are you awake?” Jungkook grumbles, he had nearly been asleep, but not yet.

“Yea-” He yawns and stretches, almost hitting Yoongi in the face, who lets out a soft oof.“What’s up, hyung?” Jungkook asks, like he doesn’t know what Yoongi wants to talk about. He’s trying to stall and stay in his stable fantasy for as long as possible.

“You know. Listen, I-”

“Ha - Hyung, um, we can forget about it if you want? I’m sorry that I made you take care of me-” Jungkook stumbles, but it’s obvious that Yoongi is Not Impressed. Yoongi puts a hand over Jungkook’s mouth. Childishly , Jungkook considers licking it.

“Shut up for like five minutes, please. Can you do that for hyung, Gukkie?” Jungkook nods, face blank as he can make it. “ Firstly , you didn’t make me take care of you. I wanted to and you let me for some stupid reason. Secondly - Ah fuck-” Yoongi runs a hand over his face - “I don’t think we could forget about something like this anyways. Or at least… I can’t.”

Jungkook finally interrupts, terrified that this is finally it, Yoongi is gonna throw him away - “Hyung - um -” His throat clams up and his lip trembles .

Yoongi gives him a look, “It hasn’t even been two minutes Jungkook. If you want to leave after hearing what I have to say that’s fine but please hear me out. I - uh,” Yoongi sucks in a deep breath and wrings his hands in his lap. “I really , really like you Jungkook. In a gay way.”

Oh. Oh. What the fuckening?

“Hyung- a- are you joking with me? I- that’s not a nuh- nice thing to joke about, hyung -” Jungkook sniffles and rubs a hoodie sleeve over his eyes and nose. It only makes him feel worse.

Yoongi frowns, “No, of course, I’m not joking with you, Jungkook - I didn’t go through almost a semester of pining for this to be a joke . I like you Jungkook.” Yoongi slips under Jungkook’s oversized hood and looks him in the eyes. “ Seriously . No joke, baby.” Jungkook bursts into full-on tears and Yoongi startles, looking around to see if anyone has woken up . Thankfullynot.

Yoongi waits a minute for Jungkook to calm down before curiosity gets the best of him, from Jungkook’s reaction… Well, Yoongi can only hope . “Guk? Do - um - do you like me too?” It seems kind of self-centered to Yoongi’s brain, but he’s gotta know.

Jungkook sniffles and hits Yoongi’s shoulder - “Of course I do! Who couldn’t with your perfect smile and your beautiful hands and your amazing freestyle - ah!” He dissolves into sniffles again after being tugged into an embrace by Yoongi over the elbow rest between their seats .

“I’m glad, Gukkie, I’m glad.” God, Yoongi can feel himself getting emotional as well. Jungkook has made him soft. Oh well.

There’s a whooping call from the back of the bus and they both jump from shock, bumping their heads together before looking around to see - Namjoon and Jackson, grinning like buffoons and yelling . They’re only silenced when Jaebum, in the seat in front of them, slams a well-aimed hand back into Jackson’s face.

Jungkook laughs and leans into Yoongi, "I should return the favor sometime, huh?" Yoongi blushes and falls into tearful giggles against Jungkook. They stay like that for the rest of the ride home.

[prissypickle]

I did it

One year ago today I finished highschool. One year ago today I finished the toughest journeys of all times. Highschool was probably one of the worst experiences of my life. There was so many people who ruined it but there was so many people who made it better for me. My freshman year I attempted suicide and was admitted to a mental hospital and and no school wanted to take me in. At the time Fir Ridge Campus didn’t take in freshman. So I had no choice but to drop out. David Douglas straight up told me that I couldnt go there. I had too many problems and They couldn’t give me an education. In spring of my freshman year I enrolled in an online school called metro east web academy. Of course with all my mental health issues I had no motivation to do any of it. In the end I only got one credit for it. And that was for creative writing. I’m with ICTS which is where people come outd to your house three times a week for therapy. So I was with them for six months. It was hard saying goodbye. But then I went yo seeing a therapist once a week. I was still cutting often. But back to my schooling, I didn’t do anything and my mom was so pissed at the david doglas school district because the refused to put me in a school and finally she wrote a three page nasty letter saying how I needed to be in a school and thats how I got to fir ridge.

My freshman year I was so scared. I couldn’t tell you how scared I was. I didn’t go to school. I was fucked up in the head, cutting and I didn’t know anyone. So I didn’t really talk to anyone on my first day. But within a few days I met a small group of friends that I could relate to. Which was great. The next best thing was that there was a school counselor and a therapist that came to the school. So on top of going to seeing a therapist once a week I went to see him once a week. He was from Trillium services. He was a great therapist. I saw him from 45 minutes to an hour. My school counselor was mamed Michael and he was probably the best counselor anyone could ask for. He understood me. When I needed my space he let me sit in the office or library and do my work. When I had my mental break downs he gave me a quiet space. He was amazing. I have terrible anxiety with loud noises and whenever we had a firedrill I would cry and have a panic attack when there was he warned me and brought me to the office telling me when so I wasnt as afraid. As I said. He was the best school counselor anyone could ask for.

I had this friend. Her name was Iris. I cared for her so so much she was my first friend I made in middle school and she went to a diffent school but she had problems at the time and so she was looking into my school and I was thrilled. But before ahe came she also had issues and so she went to a rehab place. I called her family every day to see how she was doing. I sent flowers and cards because well, wouldn’t a best friend do that? When she got out she started at Fir Ridge Campus a bit later. I was so happy we reunited again. We started having sleep overs and everything. Okay? But one time during a sleepover she stole her parents credit card and bought something, which was a peircing kit and I had no idea so she came to my house when it was delivered and took it before I was home. I’ll also mention around two years ago she stole my ipod. But anyway so this happened and it happened once more but with tea but ahe sent it to her house instead of mine. So her mom was like “you arent ever allowed to see her again” blaming me for her daughter peircing herself. That was the hardest thing for me to hear because she was my best friend. Or so I thought she was. I believe this was all happening during my Junior year or late sophomore I cant remember it was so hectic. Ill come back to this bitch a little bit later.

But my Junior year I did this amazing thing called camp pheniox. That was the second the best and worst part of highschool. Its a two day overnight camp plus 4 weeks of after care. During the two nights you broke yourself down talking about the horrible things in life and at the end you are rebuilding yourself and raising up into a pheniox. During the process you did multiple activites which were happy, sad and heartbreaking realizing how fucked up and broken you were on the inside. One of the days you clumb a tree and tell everyone what you committ to. And I said I committ to my family and my support system. And then you had to walk on a tightrope with another person and jump when you couldnt do it anymore. And the other classmates are completely in control of the rope and your harness. Then the second activity we did was get in a harness and go up and your classmates pull you up until you say stop. Basically a gaiant swing okay. So I was letting go past teachers which I will get on explaining to more. And then letting in good teachers and then you yank it and I did a 90 foot free fall and holy shit was that fun. As i said it was the best and wors part of it because i landed up in teen intensive outpatient because I was cutting and I was extremely depressed.

But back to the teacher thing. There was a history teacher her name was Karen and she was a bitch to me. She hated me. And She KNEW i struggled with anxiety and she KNEW that I hated being with loud people and so I always needed to go to the office to see a counselor and I always finished up my work at home. And finally she was like you have to go to detention to finish this. And so Im in the office complete sobbing and my council waves it off. And other time with her was when my counselor talked to her about it she didnt talk to me for 3 DAYS like seriously she was so immature. Then When I came back from thr weekend she didnt call on anyone else but me. Then at the end of the week there was a new seating chart and I came in late because I was talking yo the trillium therapist okay and she shows me my seat and Im calm and I say no. And shes like yes. And I calmly explain to her why I cant go sit next to him because be gave me anxiety. And then she PROCEEDS to yell at me infront of the whole class who is now stairing at me and Im completely crying now infront of the class go to the principals office to fucking write me a refferl because i was arguing with her. Which the princapal immediately threw it out. The princapal at the time was absolutely amazing. She took me out on the track as I cried and walked with me.

So my junior year is happening and I went to camp pheniox and outdoor school it was great okay. So I went to outdoor school for my third session and I broke my ankle and had to stay home for a week and you remember this Iris girl who is my best friend??? Well not anymore. When I was away at outdoor school where I couldn’t DEFEND myself she went to the counselor and said. That I raped her and drugged her with majauana. And In like balling my eyes out because Im so fucking confused and why she did that. And so the counselor literally asked if I did it and Im like what the fuck do you really think I did it. And Im like crying at her because Im so upset. Like who in the right mind would accuse someone of rape. I mean I work with children. I was a swim instructor at the time. If she went to the police I could’ve been arrested and fired from my job which she didnt go because she knew she was a lying skank ass bitch. Also they couldve drug tested me because I wasnt even smoking at the time! And so Im in the office and my counselor is like “what are you feeling?” And I littlerly upfront say” I want to punch this bitch in the face,” she she looked at me “you cant do that” and Im like “no shit I cant do it. I want to but tgat doesnt mean I am going to.” And she sighs like after and hour of fuming she tells me Im not allowed to tell ANYONE and Im like fine whatever.

But I go to my momma jill and tell her and I like an crying to her and shes just holding me. But seriously then the vice principal calls me in during third period to talk more about what happened ALSO i had a freaking alliby because I was at fucking teen Intensive outpaitent during the time she accused me! Basically it was a whole clusterfuck

. It got 100% worse when there was an assembly and youll never guess who was running it the skank ass Iris. So she started talking about rape. And then she says “someone here raped me” and then she looked over at me. I kid you not. And my dad was there and he stood up and I cant remember exactly what he said but it was along the lines of “you shouldnt accuse anyone of rape either,” he said or something like that Im to busy crying and my teacher holding my hand. Finally my dad comes over to me and says were leaving. So my worst fear now the whole school knows that Iris accused me of rape and drugging her. So im literally in the gym having the WORST mental breakdown of my life and I mean screaming at the too of my lungs dropping to the knees hitting the floor. There was the security guy and Joey one of the teachers along with the princapal and vice principal trying to calm me down. And my dads crying because hes upset because of what Iris had said. And they told me to stay home for a few days until I could calm down.

So I came bac the following monday. I was so depressed I wanted to die. I almost had another suicide attempt but I thought about Taylor Swift and how I would never get t meet her and that just made me hold onto life just a little bit longer. So by the end of the year it was time for prom and so I was nominated for.... you guessed it prom court equivalent to prom princess/prince and can you guesd who was nominated too? That bitch Iris. So we were BOTH up against each other and trust me I was NOT going to let her win. So I baked my ass off and probably made over 200 cupcakes and fed them to the entire school and when I was time for prom. I won. I won prom princess. That was the best night of my entire life. My entire highschool carrer I felt normal. Everything was perfect

. Soon my Junior year ended. And summer came and went and my Senior yesr started. I only needed 1 credit to graduate .5 government .5 global studies. So I took government first which I got like knocked down a ton because i refused to do presentations because i hate speaking infront of a class but I still passed with a A. Then global studies I REFUSED to take with Karen again. So I did 5 at least 250 page packets in one quarter. And I still graduated early two quarters early. I started school my sophomore year because they didnt count it as a freshman and ended my senior year. I worked my ass off. And I graduated in 2 1/2 years. I graduated. I did it. I made it. Evern after a suicide attempt. Witnessing my mom attempt suicide my sophmore year, Iris accusing me of rape. All of that and I still graduated and I was second in class too. I’ve never been more proud of myself in my entire life. I didnt think id ever make it here. I thought in 2014 I was going to die. But I didnt. I’m still here. Alive and succeeding in life. Im a caregiver now. I’m getting my CNA in July. I made it. I did it.

[parkjmini]

bts as fuckboys

[a/n]: inspired by @sweetersuga  | original post: x i wrote it as the perspective that you’re already close friends w them/have been with them before !!

Seokjin

he’s the funny, sarcastic one where he could be kind of mean bc he takes it a lil far

“you’re such trash you sleep with every girl”

“at least I can get someone to sleep with me”

he flashes a smile in the hall bc he KnOws iT GeTs oN YouR NeRveS

“When’s my birthday”

“January 1st bc u set off my fireworks baby”

“i am disgusted”

piggy back rides on those goddamn strong broad set of shoulders ooffff

“I’ll call you, ya?”

He never calls u bc he probably forgot too busy improvin himself

you have a streak with him and all he sends are selfies with the caption “I hope your day is as beautiful as I am (:”

He catches you staring in class one day and he’s like “take a pic, it’ll last longer babe”

And omg he ACTUALLY TELLS YOU TO TAKE A PHOTO OF HIM

so now u have a gallery full of jin and he wont let u delete them bc he thinks they’re all masterpieces you do too but youd never admit it

the only fuckboy that’s tolerable bc he’s rlly just a big goof 

“why don’t you ever have sleeves on your shirt jin”

“these shoulders are on display, honey, can’t cover up the jewels”

he’s kind of obnoxiously loud that u want to shove ur fist into his mouth to sh u t  him uP 

“dude, jimin’s hot”

“okay but so am i ??”

“ok ya youre really hot but so is jimin”

“jiMIN (Y/N) THINKS YOU’RE—-”

“–ANNOYING THANKS SEOKJIN PLS SHUT UP WHY R U STILL TALKING WOW”

“just trying to get my baby some more dick jeEZ”

Yoongi

“hey yoongs why dont we go on a date??”

“uuhhhhhh since when were we dating? lmao dont trip” 

gets a new number every 2 months bc he loves fucking w them crazy bitches too much

“sometimes you need to mess around with the ones who can bite off your dick, being risky is hot (-;”

“BEinG riSkY iS hOt ya u wont have a penis anymore at the rate you’re going”

kind of smells like a mixture of alcohol and cologne 

hand-on-ass-when-he-hugs

“let’s play a game, if u lose u have to take off ur clothes, if i lose u have to take off ur clothes”

“wait but yours stay on ?? wtf yoongi??”

“no mine will come off right after i see u naked (;”

the one to play with the ends of your skirt/dress/shirt bc it gets u so flustered and he lives seeing u flustered 

straight up Arrogantᵀᴹ at times its hot but ur so annoyed by it that u wanna knock some sense into him

wont ask for nudes but will ask to see some goods

“can i see ur tits”

“for the 4039th time, no”

“well, a man can try”

SMIRKY MC SMIRKY HERE like it just comes OUT of NOWHERE and it is OUT to ATTAC 

u dont have a snap streak w him bc it always breaks bc he replies every 3 years bc he was “busy”

but he’s always the fourth person to like your instagram posts???????

and to comment the water droplet/eye/tongue emoji combo ????

loves when u swat his hands away from gripping your thigh 

Hoseok

(i wanted to use this gif but it was so big and rectangle and didnt fit but u need to see that gif to really take in the fuckboy bc i cannot find a representation as accurate as that gif is)

always greeting you whenever he sees you

“hey babygirl”

“hoseok we just saw each other in chemistry”

“ok and????? can’t i say hi to my baby?”

“but im not”

“lmao every girl is my baby”

raises his eyebrows any time you fix your dress or your shirt

asks to borrow a pencil and never returns it

“where is my pencil hoseok”

“where is my kiss (y/n)”

“we didnt agree to that”

“well i didnt agree to give it back”

“dO u NoT kNOW whAT BoRRoW meANS”

loves to share so he shares a lot of his snacks with u

“omg i love snacks!!”

“oh baby me too” and trust me, he’s not talking about the food

has the brightest, kindest smile so it catches you off guard when he says some snarky fuckboy comment

loves physical contact !!!!! always has a hand on your back, or shoulder, or thigh, or hand, or arm

lip LICKING PARDON ME HIS TONGUE IS UNCONTROLLABLE

lets you wear his hats/jackets/hoodies bc he thinks youre sooo cute in his clothes

he walks around school with his hands in his pockets like a doUCHEBAG

catches you off guard by spinning you around with his arm around your waist 

uses the line “im a dancer” to get girls what an eyeroll

the type to drag you onto the middle of the dance floor at a club just so he could show off his skillz which are actually super bomb like even ur impress and uve seen them 308443 times

he got that sweatpants dick print 

Namjoon

changes his contact name to Daddy on your phone

Mr. Ass Man he loves ass ASS ASS ASS SO MUCH ASS BIGGEST ASS LOVER

“oh shit did you see her ass”

“look here bootylover123 stfu”

winks at you a lot in the halls 

“do you have a fucking eye problem namjoon”

“its a wink” 

“u do it so much that im beginning to think youre eye is having a spasm 

lets you copy his homework if he got a hug in return

the type to comment a peach emoji on your instagram photos even if there is no butt involved

loves when you sit on his lap 

one time there weren’t enough seats on the bus and he patted his leg for you to sit

“i know you hate standing (y/n), take a seat itll be fine”

“why can’t u be a gentleman and give up your seat for me?”

*alMOST CHOkES from LAUGHING* “me???!!! a gentleman??? wow u expect too much, just sit your big ass down on daddy’s lap or suffer standing”

buys you lunch bc he loves showing off his e x p e n s i v e w a l l e t 

he could go from having a full blown brilliant monologue as to why he exists to giggling about how your moles r arranged into the shape of a penis 

calls girls mami or ma 

asks for ass pics at like 1:32 AM 

and u send him pictures of ur elbow crease 

and he actually thinks its ur butt

BLASTS baby makin music from his car and causes a public disturbance 

has the highest count of broken beds, not bc of a high body count, but bc he actually breaks the bed everytime he sleeps w someone

Jimin

spaces out when ur wearing a low cut top bc hes too busy staring at ur cleavage 

his streak snaps are either mirror pics, his abs, mirror pic of his abs, and occasional dick pics

“wanna play 20 questions (;”

“we’ve played 20 questions like 20 times already”

“ok gr8 ill start first: will u let me hit it from the back??”

offers to netflix and chill all the time and it sux bc he actually knows all ur fav shows

ok let me reiterate, jimin knows all ur favorite anythings bc he listens to u 75% of the time bc he thinks ur voice is sexy 

will never fail to compliment you when u look good 

“damn baby, is this all for me????”

“no i just dont want to look like a hobo today”

gets super jealous when any other guys speak to u even tho hes piping down like 8 other girls 

“jimin they’re my frIENDS ur not even my bf why u tripping”

“they arent acting like theyre ur friends. i know fuckboy behavior when i see it (y/n) its my occupation, i do the same shit w girls”

“thats good then, someone else wants me too”

“not good bc ur HOT ASS IS MINE )-:”

youre saved as #1 babygirl on his phone no objections

walks into class with a new hickey in a new place every day 

he has SEX EYES u could never look him directly in the eyes bc theyre so captivating 

fucking walks like an arrogant prick down the hall and whistles when u pass 

brags about his big dick when its honestly not as exaggerated as he says 

has a picture of you in one of his shirts as his homescreen wallpaper 

Taehyung

“i wont show anyone, im not messed up like that” yea be careful w this one honey, pretty sure jungkook, hobi, yoongs, namjoon all know how ur tits look like

has the perfect innocent face where u have no idea that he’s fucking 4 other girls

always responds after 12 am and calls u at 3 am 

“tae im fucking sleeping”

“damn thats hot what else u doin??”

“hanging up on u goodbye im going to block ur number”

“pls don-”

uses the line, “i just dont think we’re compatible” on E V Ery GIRL 

offers to hangout but never follows up with it bc he’s never seen out in public with a girl unless its his momma 

“jasmine is telling everyone you gave her chlamydia, u get checked bro??”

“dont worry about it”

body count means a lot to him 

loves hugs bc he likes feeling boobs squished against him

sometimes INTENTIONALLY lowers his voice bc he KNOWS ur into that shit 

thinks youre playing hard to get when rlly u just dont care lol

“i know u want all of this, (y/n)”

“i think ur mistaken”

“right bc i want all of u (:” 

“ya tae let’s not get ur feelings mixed w mine ok thx u”

NO SUCH THING AS PERSONAL SPACE the boy is a koala and will latch onto u 

Jungkook

the biggest fuckboy of them all

has slept w almost every girl in the school and is v proud of it

“what’s your name again”

“rlly jungCOCK” 

“ok (y/n) i know ur fkcing name so can u learn mine”

u dont think he’s ever had a gf b4 bc he doesnt believe in labels OR commitment which hes pretty vocal abt 

unlike jimin, he doesnt own up to his dick pics and swears that they were “”accidents””

SCrEENsHOTS! but ur smart so ur face is NEVER in ur pics

“who’s boobs r on ur phone kook”

“yours”

“you WOULDNT DARE”

“i dont have photogenic memory (y/n) i wanted to remember those cuties without a shirt on (;”

looks too fucking good w a fresh cut that u need to avoid him in the halls or ull melt to goo

only owns white tees and timbs lmao hahahaha 

smirks when you bend down to pick something up 

that or he yells, “one more time, babe!”

“wat u doin”

“showering”

“without me!!1???” 

he’s on tinder too so once he’s done with the sampling pool at school, he can broaden his horizons 

a car enthusiast and will get offended if u dont think his rims r cool

thinks youre really hot when you yell at him or hurt his feelings 

youre his prized possession bc he actually likes talking to u but will never admit it 

has a specific nickname for u that he doesnt call his other girls bc its YOURS !! 

“hey cutie”

“hey jungCOCK”

hates the nickname jungCOCK 

[thenonsenseuniverse]

Coffee Cups & Leather Jackets

Hamilton Modern! AU Word Count: 2236 Hamilsquad x Reader Thomas Jefferson x Reader PART 1, PART 2, PART 3, PART 4,  PART 5, PART 6, PART 7 Summary: after a fight with the squad, the reader flashbacks to the past, and gets some help by an unlikely friend.

 “I just want to know what the fuck I did wrong!!” You hissed at your friends. “I haven’t seen you all in weeks, and every single time I try to make plans you all seem to drop out at the last minute!”             

One of them stepped forward. “Y/N…” 

“No, Herc.” You hissed, not willing to hear the next excuse that they wanted to throw at you. You were done with everything. “I don’t want to hear it. I guess you were all ‘too busy’, right? Just like you were the last hundred times.”  

 Alex groaned from his place by the counter. “ Come on! You’re being overdramatic. Just let us explain.”        

You glared at him and crossed your arms over your chest. “I don’t think so. Overdramatic would’ve been me freaking out like this after one week, or even two. But at first, I was stupid enough to believe that you guys were really just over stressed with working at the cafe or with classes and could understand that. And I did. But then three weeks past, and I still hadn’t seen any of you, so I invited you all over for a movie night, and once again you were all busy. Even then, I was still fine with it.” You could feel the lump slowly forming in your throat as tears pricked at the corners of your eyes. “But then later that night, I was at the cafe, doing my homework, and saw you all walk into the movie theater together, laughing and having a great time. You did follow through with our plans, only without me.” 

The four of them, Alexander, Hercules, Lafayette, and John, stood there looking down guiltily. “Y/N, look we’re sorry. We didn’t mean to exclude you. It’s not what you think, it-” Laurens was desperately trying to explain. You knew that if any of them could get through to you, it was him. But there wasn’t time for that anymore. It was too late.

You scoffed and held up your hand to silence him. “No. I’m done. I’ve made enough excuses for you guys myself, I don’t need to hear another one.” You sighed, and shook your head, as you grabbed your bag from the table beside you. “I understand if you guys don’t want to be my friend.” Your voice had gone soft now, turning into something just a little over a whisper. “I don’t think anyone really does, I’m the weird kid remember?” You gave a sad chuckle and wiped at your face. You turned to them one last time, giving them a look that could dissolve even the strongest men to ashes. “But what I can’t understand is why you let me believe you actually cared about me. Why you lead me on for months. I’ve been through a lot of shit, but that has to be the worst. I’m done with being your guys’ charity project. Please, if you have consideration for me at all, just leave me alone.” with that you turned and left, doing your best to get out of their sight before they could see you weak.             

    You sat on one of the many benches in the quad, tears streaming furiously down your cheeks.  You knew it was pathetic to cry about four people who never cared about you, to begin with, and yet here we are.  You should’ve known it was too good to be true, there was no way that the infamous Hamilsquad would want to be friends with the likes of you. You could still remember the first day you met them. 

          It was your third week of freshman year at King’s College, and honestly, you were just barely keeping your head above the water. Your parents had filled your head with fantasies that college would be ‘a fresh start’ that you would make ‘so many new friends’ and that maybe you would actually come out of your shell a little. 

Boy, had they been wrong.

No, college was a lot like high school, only the insults weren’t as childish, and people found new exciting ways to pick on you instead of following whatever was cool at the moment. It was a shame considering your classes and professors were actually amazing, however, you weren’t sure if you’d be able to survive until graduation. 

“You know…” You looked up from your journal at the sound of a British accent approaching you from your right. A boy with loose, light brown curls, wearing a tight red t-shirt and white faux fur jacket that hung carelessly over his shoulders approached you. He had a posse of two following behind him. “I don’t think I’ve heard, the little church mouse here say a single word since the beginning of the school year.” You rolled your eyes at his tactics and tried to focus on your writing as his groupies laughed. He didn’t seem to appreciate that as a second later, your journal was snatched from your hands. 

“Hey! Give th-that back!!” You cried out, rising to your feet. 

He smirked as he held it above his head. “Oh! So the little mouse does speak!!” He laughed and looked down at you, as you tried to grab it back. “Shall we take a look as to what’s so important anyway? Samuel!” He threw the leather bound book over to one of the other boys, who had a hairstyle similar to him but was wearing all black. 

Samuel smirked and climbed on top of one of the benches. “September 21st, Dear diary.” The boy’s grin widened as he realized what they had stolen from you. “I’ve been at this godforsaken place for three weeks now, and I still haven’t found a trace of any intellectuals besides our professors. My parents were hopeful that I might actually make friends here, but I don’t think I want to. Why would I when I have Netflix and doughnuts in my dorm. I’m perfectly fine alone.” He stopped reading as he snickered. “Awww, is the weird kid lonely? Does someone need someone to talk too?” 

You could feel your cheeks grow red at their comments. “G-Give it back, p-please.” You asked quietly, thinking maybe being polite would make them change their mind. 

The word please seemed to strike something within the leader, as his eyes scanned your form. “Well since you’re so willing to beg..”Before he could finish a tall man, wearing a beanie ripped the book from Samuel’s hands, as a much shorter one sporting a ponytail, marched up to the leader. 

“Hey, George! Leave them alone. They didn’t do anything to you, so why don’t you and your group of stuck up pricks, piss off!” 

George opened his mouth to say something, but closed it as two other, very muscular, men came up behind him. You could see him pale slightly as he glared at the shorter one. He snarled. “For the billionth time, Hamilton, it’s King. Not George. And we were just leaving, the little freak didn’t have anything interesting written in there anyway.” He peeked around them and gave you a playful wave. “We’ll see you around, mousey. Sam, Charles! Let’s go.” He snapped his fingers, and the other two fell in line behind him as he walked away. 

A wave of relief fell over you but quickly went away as you remember the four new problems currently surrounding you. “C-Can,” You swallowed down your nervousness and held out your hand. “Can I have m-my journal b-b-back?” You cursed yourself for your stutter. It had the tendency to come and go but stayed with you most of the time unless you were with people you were comfortable with. Unfortunately, that group was limited to your parents and your siblings.

The one with the beanie gave it back to you with a small grin, which you returned as a thank you. You quickly went to gather your things, mumbling out non-sense as you did. “I-I’m sorry you h-h-had to do that. I-It wasn’t y-your problem, a-and I-I-I should’ve just left. I-I mean it’s no-not like there’s anything ex-ci-citing in there anyways. An-and you could-d’ve gotten i-in trouble.” 

A man with, what must be the curliest hair you’ve ever seen, tied up in a bun began to help you but your books in your bag. “Ce n’est pas un problem! George believes d’at everyone belongs to ‘im, and d’at you are only ‘uman if you make more d’an six figures. Il est un piece du merde.” You giggled at his accent.

“Well th-thank you for h-h-helping me. B-but you really didn’t h-have to-to.” You shrugged your bag onto your shoulders as you played with the straps. “I’m used t-to it by n-now.”

One of the men, who had a freckle spotted face, and long curly hair frowned. “Do people usually treat you like that?”

Once again you shrugged. “I d-don’t talk m-m-much. I-I guess it m-m-make me an eas-sy target.” 

The man’s nose wrinkled in disgust. “God, I hate people.” He stated. “They have no right to treat you like that! It’s bullshit! You’re a little shy, and you have a stutter, so what! I bet you’re still an awesome person!” You could feel a small smile form on your face at his obvious passion for equality and anti-bullying. “Do you have anyone to walk to your next class, or to your dorm with?” You shook your head. “Well you do now, let’s go.” He grabbed your hand and began to march in the direction opposite of your dorm. 

“John, what about our plans! We’re supposed to go hang out at the cafe!” You could hear the short one call out.

You could hear him mumble a small ‘oh shit’. He stopped for a second in thought before turning to you. “Do you want to come with us?” 

You blinked up at him in shock. No one had asked you to hang out with them since you were in middle school. From then on people claimed you were too weird to be seen with because you preferred the company of fictional characters than real people. You frowned and looked at them all again. “I-I don’t know who you are, and y-you d-don’t know me. Why would you w-want to h-hang out?”

John chuckled and pulled you towards the group. “Because that is how friends are made! You’re never going to get to know people if you don’t take any risks! Now, I’m John Laurens, I’m the president of the equality society and the PRIDE club. The Frenchy with the barely held back afro is  Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier de Lafayette, Marquis de Lafayette. But since no one has the time to say all of that, we just call him Lafayette, or Laf for short.” An offended ‘Hey!’ came from the Frenchman. “The intimidating man in the beanie is Hercules Mulligan. Don’t let his name or size intimidate you, the man is a walking teddy bear. He’s actually a fashion design major. And lastly, we have Alexander - Nonstop- Hamilton. The only student both stupid, and smart enough to be able to tackle a triple major. He runs on coffee, barely sleeps and appears to have a slight temper as the price of that.” 

As he listed off the names something clicked in your head, and you realized exactly who you were looking at. This was the self-named Hamilsquad, one of the most popular groups in the school. They were known for picking fights with others who didn’t treat other people fairly and were usually seen around the Schylur sisters. You couldn’t believe they were talking to you. “So,” Alex began, looking at you with a curious glint in his sleep-deprived eyes. “What’s your name. 

“Y/N. M-My name’s Y/N L/N. I h-haven’t g-gotten around to doing m-much.”

Hamilton chuckled and wrapped an arm around your shoulder, as he pulled you into the group. “Well, just you wait, y/n. You hang out with us, and I guarantee you won’t have another dull moment for quite some time.” You smiled at his promise and nodded as you walked with them. For once you thought this might work. For once you thought maybe, just maybe you’d have real friends. 

You felt a sob shake your body at the memory. You missed them, they were all you had. They brought you out of the lonely shell you had formed around yourself and showed what it was like to be truly happy before locking you back into your prison. And now you were alone again. You were stupid to fall for their charm, but now al you wanted was to be in their arms again. They took apart of your heart that you didn’t know existed, and left you feeling cold, and empty inside. You just wanted to be whole again. 

“Excuse me, Darlin’“ You were torn from your thoughts by the sound of a deep southern drawl. You wiped at your face once more and looked up to see a man with warm brown eyes sporting a dark, magenta leather jacket on top of a black tee shirt. He gave you a pitiful smile and sat down beside you, pulling out a small pack of kleenex from his pocket. “You look like you could use some company.”

AN: Hello! This is just the beginning of a series I hope to do! Please tell me what ya’ll think, and we’ll see how it goes

[dearmumnopeeking]

Dear marnshun,

Its year 4.

Since ya left us.

Sorry for the late message.

Im just resting today. I decided to skip work.

For 2 days.

I watched some anime, satisfied my ghost hunt cravings.

I watched some new stuff too.

Its been 4 years. Papa and mummy are still trying hard bitch.

Sorry i didnt mean that ... we always miss ya but times have been hard.

Papa recently kinda lost his job.. or the term they used was "no classes this sem" for now.

He seems out of sorts and wanderless sometimes just watching dramas to pass time.

Mummy is super busy as crap. So covid is trying to kill both mummy and i with work.

The people don know how hard it is now as a public servant.... more like slave for mummy.

Me i deal with super ass shits who fucking litter and just can't stop so they pay the price.

I am gonna quit soon mainly cause of the work load, secondly cause of studies, and lastly cause i wanna work at the zoo.

Theres an opening and the position is for education executive.

Im down for that.

Im not down for anymore enforcement shit.. though satisfying and really important, i just feel super drained from all the work and other work load to come cause they refuse to hire more people to help out.

The job makes me feel so degraded like how come i cant finish and there is like no one to double check for me, more so when people/my manager throws me random shit to check for her while im rushing my own stuff.

Sorry to rant but you've been gone for 4 years and im still stuck here so hear me out bro.

Dude. Ive been rushing out the rescheduling shit for them and not once have i asked them for help cause they are like "sooo" busy... yet my manager just expects me to draft like a template for them or for the next person to take over when im drowning already.

I told her. Im fucking tired. I told her i try. But i did not accept all the fucking work from both of them.

The Director is right. They should rethink the job allocation cause it sucks.

I would like to see her try my job scope for once. Cause for the summons all she does is log and get the dir to approve. I have to fucking do all the attendance, enquiry trcking, enquiry recording, rescheduling, broadcasting of emails to RO managers for the events, chasing RO for the events, fucking check their work and send confirmation emails back, do the attendances and start to record those to summon, consecutively answering stupid shits enquiries good thing there were more appeals last month cause at least that how much i do every cycle and she still complains, listen to shit excuses and curses at me for not bring lenient and her yapping at the side "like why couldnt you say this...", then icare checks, eems check, then ml check then screenshots, extracting of notices and preparing for summons logging, and while all these are going on... imma have to track extensions revocations, record the masterlist, update the attendance again, filing stupid summons, record the summonses and send them then track them cause sometimes the court screw shit... or the other team forgets to record.... if our shit is seriously nonchalant and redundant.. i will quit cause i cant cope... even listing out the entirety of my scope is making have an anxiety attack now marnshun.

Why does she keep giving me shit to do?

I am going to tell her i will be leaving.

I am going to print out an official resignation letter to make this final.

Imma use my off days in my second last week cause imma be emailing my shit to hand over.

I learnt alot but this was too much. Call me weak but i almost killed myself in december last year 2020. Marnshun, i almost did. I was lucky to have kimetsu there for me... cause no one else was. You werent. But then again sometimes im really glad you don have to go thru what i and going thru now. Sometimes i miss you but you should hang out longer in heaven. Till covid is over.. or when the world decides to be more logical... so imna keep trying but i really do miss you.

Work sucks so help me haunt and curse all the offenders. Old ones like over 40 should die of heart attacks, just kill them bro... or imma have to curse them with some voodoo magic..

Younger ones 30 and below should have the worse nightmares till they get to finish their corrective work. I want you to gather your ghost friends those like suicide ones with lots of remorse and aggravation to freddy krugger their dreams everynight till they get to do their work..

Honestly... i have never prayed sooo fucking hard for some of these offenders to die.. like we have some preggies.. i don fucking care some part me hope like they get super fucked up births that they cant move or just permenant damage so that i don have to schedule them.

Thats how stress i am.

I am horrible but if i do get karma, im willing to go thru it for that momentary release from my job...

So imma quit this job.

Marnshun please assist yeab bro. If i snap one day, just bring me those who cursed on the phone at me so that i can strangle them to death.

At the moment... im dead serious... i have seen their identification cards.. i can memorize their address and commit murder any time.

So for now imma send you bro and your ghost fiends to haunt them please. You can get the address when you watch over me work yeah. Feel free to do so, cause i'd like to think that ya always looking out for me.

Happy death anniversary manrshun.

[dovechim]

After a hectic week I can finally sit down and dedicate the next hour or so to continue my story because I really want to get to the part which I'd like to hear your opinion - and everyone else's - about!! ☆ Long Story Anon

So we kept messaging for the following days, both busy with our respective classes; but before I knew it and I can't say I was surprised, he invited me to do something again less than a week later. We're from a considerably small city, there isn't much to do around here, so we had a hard time coming up with an idea. Well, he suggested to pick me up and we'd go back to his house to eat something, to which I agreed. I was with my friend and we were both jumping around from excitement ☆ 1

Needless to say my friends all loved him; they were happy that after such a long time and with such bad luck in love I finally found what seemed to be the last guy on earth who was worth more than two seconds of my life. I knew going to his house implied something more serious than making out could happen, but honestly I didn't mind if it did. In context, he lived with his little brother and parents; where we're from it's common at our age to still live at home since we've not graduated yet ☆2

But he'd mentioned during the first date that his parents were away for an anniversary holiday and his little brother was staying with the oldest one who lived in his own apartment with his fiance; meaning we had the house for ourselves. As planned he picked me up and took me there, had some food delivered and we watched terrible horror films on netflix. He'd cheesily try to put his arm around me on the couch and I'd move closer, ending up snuggled together with my heart about to burst ☆ 3

At one point both brothers and the fiance show up with some food, for some reason and that's when I knew half his family on the second date lol. But they moved upstairs quite quickly after eating and left us alone to watch the movies. Eventually he'd kiss my cheek, not-so-subtly letting me know he wanted to KISS-kiss me, but me being the nervous little shit I am didn't really know what to do. It'd been two whole years since I even attempted to make out with someone!! ☆ 4

So he had to move even closer and he said, which I'll never forget: "you're so shy", which I wasn't surprised about, it's not common for a 22 year old to be that reserved, I guess, but with a little bit of patience that single moment turned into the best first kiss I've ever had. I was so scared he'd be a terrible kisser, like I'd experienced before bc that's just a deal breaker for me and everything else about him was so perfect; but boy...was I wrong. We ended up making out for so long that ☆5

Our lips hurt, and he didn't even try to go too far, already noticing that I wasn't the kind of girl to tear off our clothes and start fucking (not that I didn't wish I were lol), so he just held me tight and took me home eventually. God, the memory of his kisses will never leave my mind. To this day I still get butterflies because it was the kind of kiss that makes you feel like your bodies fit together and makes your toes curl :') ☆ 6

im so soft for you and him already :”)))) it’s so sweet that he wasn't afraid of scaring you off and still went for it!! a lot of guys i know are hesitant about dating an inexperienced girl bc they’re scared they will scare her off, and once my friend asked me how he should chase after a girl who has never dated. i literally got so pissed lmao i just said “just fucking treat her like a fucking normal person!!! what are you intending to do that might scare her off???” 

We had a third date after that, about a week later. We went out to eat and it was the day he started posting instagram stories with me and tbh I was surprised. In our generation it takes more than just a couple of dates for a guy to 'announce' he's not 'single' anymore. You know, like if he had intention of seeing other girls at the same time he wouldn't be parading me around for everyone to see, which only fed my hopes of him being 'the one' even more ☆ 7

omg yes :/ the dating culture is so complicated lmao like ppl can be going out with different people at the same time and there’s a certain time after which you’re considered exclusive... it’s so tiring tbh

Another week passed and out of the blue he was asking me to meet his parents. He was very lowkey about it; he said he missed me, mentioning they'd returned from NY and asking if we could meet again that night, but "my parents would be there too, is that a problem?" lol. So I said no, obviously, even though I was shitting my pants, I'd never met a boy's parents in that context before but he seemed excited. He picked me up and we drove back to his place where they were waiting for me ☆ 8

I decided I didn't want to read too much into it back then, but still couldn't help but notice that the older borther+fiance had dropped plans to go to dinner with us so 'the whole family would be there to meet me'. Did that mean him bringing a girl home wasn't that common? Was I actually that special? As if I didn't notice myself falling fast and hard for me enough, his whole family welcomed me with huge open arms. His little brother, extroverted as they come at the age of 10 did everything ☆9

To include me in the conversations; the older brother would tell embarrassing stories. The parents, both doctors, both dating since college and pretty much the whole family (fiancee included) were some of the most welcoming people I'd ever met. They treated me like a family member from the very beginning and noticing how nervous I was they would try to make the dinner as easy going as they could. The guy in question, let's call him Jed? Would hold my hand under the table to calm me down ☆ 10

Or rub soothing circles over my the fabric of my jeans to distract me when a family member would embarrass him. I fell in love with his family as fast as I fell in love with him and I just couldn't believe I'd found someone so perfect. We'd make out until our lips were sore and he'd drop me off at home always leaving me with a feeling of sadness that I had to say goodbye. He made me so happy that I started to go out more, meeting my friends I was just in such a good mood because of him ☆ 11

no you must have been so nervous!!!!! i mean i get that he was low key but  still... parents are a big deal. i hope his intentions were rly pure and that he was that into you!! but im glad they were nice :”) 

I'd even dare to say he made me a better person in ways only I can understand. He'd text me what he was doing or who he was with every day, all the time, even if I didn't ask -which I never did. Sure, he wasn't perfect; sometimes he'd forget we had plans. I have a feeling he lied to me a couple of times but about nothing really major; sometimes he'd be in a bad mood and be sarcastic and annoying af but honestly nothing too bad. All in all I had absolutely nothing to complain about him☆ 12

It wasn't until around a month and a half into the 'relationship' that we went out for drinks and then back to his place that he tried to have sex with me (he'd waited to bring it up more than any other guy I'd ever met lol). I didn't directly tell him I was a virgin, he kinda guessed, and he was more than okay with it, even saying 'I'll wait as long as you want to'; and damn I didn't really want to wait that long, it was just that the time was never right! ☆ 13

At this point we'd both had dinner with his parents several times already. They told me in that household they'd set the habit of having dinner together every night, and were more than happy to let me into their little tradition. At more casual nights we'd sit down and watch some film on netflix, the parents and little brother always moving upstairs at the end and leaving us both alone to make out some more lol. I was even invited to his dad's birthday dinner at a fancy ass restaurant ☆ 14

this is so cute 😭 im just very ugh whenever a guy kinda hints at sex bc dude u gotta make me WANT it not just ask for it :/ but it sounds like he was super respectful!! and tbh im just very bad with other ppl’s parents, but his sounds rly perfect  😭 do such ppl even exist??? i cant even remember the last time i ate w my family :/ 

So by the third month I already felt part of that family tbh. I'd cooked alongside the mother like lifelong friends, and sat down for coffee after dinner to talk about how fast technology is moving with his dad. His little brother would tell jokes or ask me to teach him some guitar and I think they began to love me as much and as fast as I loved them, honestly. I was even invited to the dog's birthday part lmfao I was just unable to attend but was kindly provided with video memories ☆ 15

Everything was going so perfect, I think we could've lasted so much longer but maybe just the timing wasn't right. I still remember him dearly though, but back then I had my heart broken so bad that I simply wish I'd never met him. What hurt the most was growing so attached to his family and then out of the blue, and without a single chance to say goodbye I never saw any of them again. I should've known life isn't a movie or a book and nothing that starts so well can end just as happily ☆ 16

WHY ARE YOU USING PAST TENSE?????????? NO!!!!!!!!!!! IM SO SHAKEN RIGHT NOW bc this feels like that part in a book where the author’s just leading u towards that horribly devastating ending and that’s exactly what ur doing  😭

The last night I went to his house - btw we never visited MY house because MY family as much as I love them to death aren't as welcoming as his was with me, so until I knew FOR SURE this guy and I were serious, I decided to suggest activities that required not being at my place lol - the whole evening started weirdly. He'd been taking longer than usual to text me, and it was getting too late so I though we just weren't doing anything but he insisted he wanted to see me ☆ 17

And fuck, I wanted to see him to, once or twice a week just wasn't enough anymore and I missed his touch so badly. So I agreed for him to pick me up, even though he kind of strung me along for a few hours. By the time he picked me up I hadn't eaten, not knowing wth we were going to do but he said he'd had dinner before picking me up. Why would he though? He knew we had plans, which usually involved dinner, why not wait for me for eating? Either way, I'd missed him, I wasn't about to fight ☆ 18

We reached his place and his mom was already going upstairs for sleeping along with the little brother; the father was performing a surgery so we were alone at the living room together. He was a little tense and I didn't understand why, he said he was tired because he'd had class up until late and I asked if he just wanted me to leave but he asked me not to; he wanted to see me, he wanted me to stay. We cuddled on the couch and I had to wake him back up several times, growing annoyed ☆ 19

And when the dad got home he quickly got up and pretended to do something in the kitchen. The man had to eat and we had to wait for him to leave to sit back together, the whole situation was awkward af. I was wondering if I should just call a cab and leave, but he insisted not to. At around 2am (it was a friday) while making out he asked if I wanted to go up to his room, to which I said yes. He knew what that meant, so he was excited about it, going upstairs to check if his room was clear ☆ 20

Damn, I hit ask limit again :'( I'll have to leave it here right now but I swear I'll get to the point eventually lol I'm sorry!! also thank you for giving me your patience and space to tell this story, I feel like this way I can tell it without filters about what really happened or how I felt and actually receive honest unbiased opinions

omg i literally cannot believe u ended right there??????? i hate tumblr’s ask limit. im on the edge of my seat right now!!! thank you for taking the time to send me these, im so invested in ur story now its insane!! 

come back whenever you have time bb

[unravelling-the-world]

I was trying my best, and another friend who always took pictures of us (we took pics of him as well dw) documented all of those moments, i even used a not-permanent spray color hair for that day just so the pictures could be special. I didn't particularly like myself, I never did ,but I was too busy to think about it. When i went out, i felt decent at least. Binder, thick under-eye red/black liner, just the perfect e-boy look i wanted. I felt that, as a pre-hrt person, I was looking as masc as I could while doing the style that makes me comfortable and I want to achieve. I was doing my best everytime we went out to look presentable in the pictures, and I did well 9/10 times. At some point, there was a light festival as well. I went with one friends and my cousin and we had fun. My friend and I took pictures, my cousin didn't want hers taken but we still interacted a lot and had fun, I loved the pics of that day. I never got to post them, because my downfall came soon after. At that point in time, I was finally living the dream. I posted frequently on ig (bc i went out frequently) and even though i wasn't anyone big, no partnerships or anything, not even 1k followers, I was growing, and having been intoxicated by fame at age 12, it was just what I needed. My posts started getting 70 likes on average and 7-10 comments, i only had 500 followers but they were growing at an average of 20 followers/month. A lil tween reached out to me and told me he thought I was really cool and was my fan. Bro, that was awesome. Things were moving forward, and altough i felt afraid of the future, I was working on it all. I was making progress in other aspects as well,having come out formally recently and with help from my psychologist, we were going to start looking into hrt, and i just couldn't believe it. I only have read fast and short info. I never really wanted to inform myself more because deep within me I was just afraid I'd never be able to get it and get my hopes up for nothing. We appointed a session to talk about that. This was march, and at my house, we watched a Japanese channel (because we are all interested in Japanese culture and such) So I knew the coronavirus was coming. They started talking about it since the start, in december, obviously, because they are way closer to where the virus started so it spread faster there. I remember it was on a cruise first. I knew it would eventually arrive here, so through all summer i told my mother "it's only a matter of time." I knew it'd come. March was here, and the last time i went out with my friends came along. Inside my head, I felt like I knew that was the last time. I had thoughts about "I wonder if i'll ever get to see a sight like this again". I managed to take some pictures, because,inside me, I knew that was the last time. I wanted to preserve the memory of it. I didn't want to forget. At the time, with a friend, who took the same metro line as me but lives further away, since it was just us two, when saying goodbye we'd always say "see you in five minutes" (like in endgame, because i told her the whole movie and told her when they said that and then black widow died) and she LAUGHED so hard and it became an ongoing joke between us (we are both kinda suicidal ngl but we just laugh abt it.) We said it that day as well, but we actually never saw each other again lmao

At that point, in the country, there were about 4 covid cases. Only 1 in the capital, so it had started, but was only just the start. When I got home, i kind of knew that was the last. My classes started, and for two weeks, it was hell on earth. Online,obviously. I got paired up with the guy I hated the most in the entire generation (I only knew half of them, and liked even fewer, but this guy. fuck. i would have killed him. he was awful.) Anyways. Yeah. But at the end, classes got postponed until further notice. So I was now a Neet! For a while, even though coronavirus was getting worse and worse here as everywhere, I was doing good. I was living the introvert dream, and since I have a decent/good relationship with my parents and grandma, life was just great. All around me I saw everyone struggle with quarantine. I was having a blast. Playing sims, watching anime, anything went. Shit was great. Got Gta V for free when epic released it, and had a blast. Got obsessed with obey me for a while. It was all fun.... Met via discord with my friends. Almost daily with certain friends, once in a while with others, but the whole group would be together at least once. It was good, for me. I felt good. I would ocassionally wake up and tell my mother that I was happy, and hug her. I don't think i'd ever done that. I was at peak, and I knew it. Drew a lot, played a lot. Did a lot of things and projects. Everything felt ok...My dysphoria wasn't great during these times (since now i stay in pajamas all day except when I use camara to meet with friends, and obviously I dont wear my binder with my pajamas) But i had so much free time, that I could just ignore it. (I'm good at avoiding things. at running away.)

Classes started June 1st. First day, I had a breakdown. I don't remember why, but I couldn't connect to class. I felt overwhelmed. I don't know and don't like asking for help because i feel useless when I do. So I didn't. Apparently I seemed more upset than I thought, because my dad noticed. When comforted or confronted, I always cry. I can't talk about my feelings without crying. I feel weak for expressing them. Even writing this, i feel the knot in my neck. My dad saw and ended up helping and comforting. I cried a lot. I went to class, but spent the whole 3 hours of class crying. Things were unstable for a while, but I was keeping afloat, I guess. I started feeling like shit, I wasn't happy daily anymore. Online learning felt so distant and so difficult and so different. I don't like change. At least not without expecting it beforehand. So yeah, that ended up taking a toll on my mental health. The downfall started. I was quite busy, but still tried to meet with friends via discord whenever we could. We had some online birthdays, and season 3 of osomatsu san had already been announced. I was looking forward to it so much. I was in pain, but that thought was keeping me going. I started getting worse, mentally. I started isolating myself ocasionally. I have quite long gaps from this period. I can't really recall much of what happened or what it was like. At some point around August-September I was watching 6teen, because my uni decided that starting a semester and compressing it into a trimester was a good idea, and finals were in september, i think. At the time of finals, i was watching 6teen. I didn't wanna finish it, so I started total drama after. I had a week of vacation in September as well, and I think I was OK for the week.

I won't lie. I don't remember october. I only know Osomatsu-san started here bc I waited for it all year long. I regained closer contact with a friend who lives in japan. Halloween also had an online meeting. I cosplayed, and felt good with myself for the night, for the first time in months. But I ended up having a breakdown later that night. A friend who didn't come and had said he'd come ended up arriving very late (2-3AM ish, meeting was at 10PM) He was very drunk. I don't mind. He says he just came to say sorry he didn't come bc he ended up meeting with irls. We tell him it's ok. He disconnects. He reconnects not long after, but we are confused, since that's not his voice. It was his friend who took his phone, a classic party prank. Doesn't matter, it was fun for a bit. This guy is also mad drunk, so talking to him is weird and funny. But shit gets bad for me in a bit. I was using a voice changer, as I usually do online, because Im ashamed of my high pitched voice. But this guy misgenders me, more than once, and also my friend who lives in japan. He doesn't seem to care, and I act like I don't, but it hurts so bad. My other friend who was there at that time corrects him, more than once. I felt thankful to her. I never thanked her afterwards because I didn't know how to bring out that topic without crying. This guy is very drunk though, and altough i doubt he had vile intentions because of the way he phrased it, he insists, that those are womans voices. They talk about it a bit, verbal comebacks. I wanted them to stop. At some point, my friend who lives in Japan leaves bc its lunch time for him. I felt like shit. I just told this other guy "I'm 10" and he dropped the subject, he believed me and the explanation. My friend laughed her ass out, because she thought I said it as a joke. Truth is, that was just a desperate answer to get him to drop the topic. I dont really care if he believed I was 10 or not though. I just wanted it to stop. He jokes with my friend for a bit more. I didn't talk much after, because I felt ashamed. I didn't want to talk ever again. Even now, even with the voice changer, I don't have the confidence I had when I started using it. I have lowered the pitch twice, just in case. My friend left the call a bit later. When she left, I left as well. I was thankful to her though. I don't remember if i cried or not, but it caused me a massive breakdown for about two weeks. I didn't talk online with anyone until my birthday, I think. I didn't tell anyone but my psychologist this.

I don't remember November much either. I know it's my birthday, and I know I came back to tumblr in november. Yall know when. Canon destiel and shit. Tumblr hadn't felt so alive in years. It felt like home. I remember I was having a bad breakdown during that time. I think it was career related. I can't really remember much. The shitshow happening on tumblr Destiel Election actually helped me get better. I remember this only because of a conversation I had with a friend. I started working on christmas decorations as well. December came along, I worked hard on christmas decorations. I played a bit as well, because on some of my classes I just didn't have anything to do lol. Decorations were finished two weeks in advance for christmas. For the first time ever! I was happy. During these times,Nov-Dec lockdowns started easing up a bit. I still can't go out at all though, because I live with my grandmother, so we're supposed to minimize risks. My parents only go out for shopping essentials that can't be bought online. So it's fair and I understand it, but it started becoming hard on mental health. Not because I can't go out, but because my friends start going out. They know I can't go, they don't exclude me, but they know I can't and I also know I can't. I guess in a form, its jealousy. It becomes hard because there's no one to blame. It's no one's fault. I'm not excluded on purpose, but the truth is, I don't want to hear them talk about what they do when they have fun. I've always been insecure. Even when all evidence points otherwise, I still believe, deep inside,they hate me. They wish I weren't in the group and would be better off without me. It gets hard sometimes.

Even though in general December was quite good, it also came with a major breakdown. One of my best friend's bday is in December. Up until then, Me, her, and another friend had been playing league of legends nearly daily. It was toxic sometimes (the game/community, not my friends) but we had fun. I just liked playing together. But that would come to an end as well. My friend celebrated her birthday, and did invite me, but obviously I couldn't go,and she knew this beforehand, so she didn't get mad or anything. She handled the situation very well, wrote on the gc once, and then did a special gc for birthday attendants to talk about details there and such, and reminded friends who asked in the gc to talk in the birthday gc. (this is how i knew, but i think it was well done tbh, i wish they'd just asked in the bday gc instead so i wouldn't have seen it and felt bad about how i couldn't go) My friend also offered to have me as an online guest, like, being in videocall in the computer on the table. like Karen from spongebob ig. the idea was cool, but honestly i felt bad. She celebrates her bday with her gf bc their dates are near, and I just didn't really want to inconvenience them? I mean, her gf is cool and she used to hang out with our group ocassionaly and she was cool and fit in, and it never felt awkward talking to her irl or anything but it's not like she's my friend and honestly I didn't wanna inconvenience her party, and even though I'm sure my friend wouldn't have minded, I didn't want to be an extra inconvenience for her too. I just wanted her to have fun, honestly. But feeling like a burden ended up weighing on my mind. This caused a bad bad breakdown, beforehand I had started to become better,little by little, but these two weeks waiting for that event to happen felt like a nightmare to me. I didn't tell anyone. I think i wrote it about here once. Around this time, an account on instagram called "matsunoadvice" got reccomended to me, and Oh boy Have I gone to them for advice. Of course, I sent them a message at the time, desperate for someone to talk to, because I couldn't tell anyone about this, because all my other friends know each other kinda and i didn't wanna inconvenience everyone. I didn't want anyone to know i felt like shit. I felt thankful to my friend, because she did try her best to include me, I just didn't really wanna inconvenience anyone. I guess I'd rather suffer alone myself than being a pain in the ass for someone else. After all, I've accepted that I'm alone long ago, and since now there's nothing I can do to maintain my social relationships now,I may as well just accept that theyre ending now. I kind of isolated myself for those two weeks, sometimes i would still connect on discord, but it always felt kind of distant. I stopped playing league of legends around this time.

I still hadn't confirmed to my friend if i was virtually going or not. Truth is, i kind of knew I probably wouldn't want to go in the end, bc im Like That™ But i told her in advance that i'd let her know the date of the event early in the day because of how unstable I am and I wouldn't actually be sure until the day (which was true when I told her) So the day of the event i told her that I was thankful but I wouldn't be assisting virtually and told her to have a great day! She replied okay in a nice way as she always did. I don't think she seemed weirded out by my answer. I hope she didn't feel bad, because she's very empathetic so I hope she didn't think about me at all that day. I hope she never reads this, and even if she does, she didn't really do anything wrong and handed the situation the best she could, the pain was unevitable for me due to the situation. beforehand i had also had a similar breakdown though, because 3 friends who i was/am? still very close to started meeting each other to skate together. I don't know how to skate/have never skated and obviously can't go either way, and sometimes they'd talk about it in the vc. I remained calm always until the call ended,but I did cry about it late at night. It's selfish, of course, but when no one saw anyone, it was easier. we were all the same. But now it felt like they were all moving on without me. In a way, it's what I always wanted, but I always wished to die first. I know it's not sane, but i'd imagined situations like that in my head, where I die and then everyone moved on and it made me feel calmer. But seeing that unfold before my eyes, when i'm still breathing here, i'm still here. It felt lonely. I'm glad they're having fun. I'm just upset I can't do it as well? And it makes me feel like inevitably my relationships with them will break and fall apart and dissapear and they're all still gonna be a interwined network, even though I did everything I could to maintain it because it's all I've ever had outside of my direct family? I didn't make any friends at uni or have a different group of friends so it just...hurt? It still hurts, i'm just more used to it. Also after the bday i did try to connect in vc but it just made me worse, like a friend said like "noo it got too wild honestly u didnt miss anything" and i was like lmao ok but i felt like kinda sad anyways but if i was there i wouldve probably slept through it anyways

...after i felt awful bc i have another friend who is just kinda blunt and kinda dumb when it comes to how others feel, and he was like ohh yeah but after the bday [friend] took us and some of [friends gf's friends] to our houses and since it was early we went to a mcdonalds and it was so fun !! and it was just so uncomfortable bc obviously im glad you have fun but like i dont wanna know??? bc it hurts a fuckin lot???? and my other friend who was also in vc (he was the one w the car) he was like "haha yeaaa it was fun" but he seemed quite uncomfortable talking abt it he could probably tell i didnt wanna hear and ik my other friend only did it bc he's naive not bc he had bad intentions but yeah it sucked i was like haha thats great heh.....like what ya want me to say babe

Christmas arrived and it ended up helping me a lot. Christmas is my favorite holiday and I decorated a month in advance, baked cookies for the first time (with my mom) and we just did a lot of things this year. It made me happy and kept me occupied through the pain (I know i described a lot of pain here but I only paid attention to it at night, which is why it still hurts now probably bc i've had it all repressed) And of course the gifts, honestly I didn't know what to expect because this year I didn't really know what to ask for and just asked for a surprise (because i love receiving things! anything) And my dad definetely outdid himself with all the gifts, I loved them and they're all useful too! I was amazed and i told my friends abt it and it ended up in me talking more in the vc again, and i also started playing genshin impact in late december as well. We also held a secrer santa in the group but not everyone participated (mostly bc of money) but the 4 of us that did was fun! i knew everyone's secret santa bc 2/4 asked to me for help and they were mutual </3 so i knew me and my other friend were mutual too lol but it was cool. I kinda was a bitch a bit though bc he delievered my gift to my home and was going to come a random day and I just wasn't prepared bc I was afraid of seeing him honestly I didn't want to see him and I hoped he wouldn't come? He didn't come that day but he did come some days after, I truly wasn't ready at that point anyway and my mom said we could let him inside if he sanitized, but he came with his mother and didn't get out of the car, we just exchanged the gifts, and honestly I was glad, i was polite and just said hi to both and thanks and all! Obviously i love him a lot bc we're close but idk why i didnt want him to come into my house i just feel like im so boring now and I dont know what we couldve talked abt and honestly ive always been shy but now i just forgot how to socialize and i was terrified so when he didnt get out i was just glad.....well, also

I feel like all of these incidents separated me and my friend who had her birthday on december. Now she wouldn't join the vc or gc often (or say she couldn't, which she usually did before) so I just assumed she hated me, but i didn't really have the guts to ask? She still liked my memes on the gc sometimes but not as she used to, she always used to like every single meme (or nearly all) and she never talked over me (I always get talked over except when I'm drunk bc i become a bit less shy therefore more violent) and would even call others out for me when talked over and always respected everything i told her abt me (Through the years, i've told her some of my deepest shits bc i just trust her like that i dont mind if she knows) but it just felt distant? Also a bit before that, at the start of december we started streaming on twitch, and that week i was very bad I told her i wouldn't play much bc i wasnt doing well but I was up for streaming bc i rly wanted to be professional abt it even if we dont pursue it as a career, but in the end we didnt stream, and fell out of streaming a bit after that. I was kind of afraid to ask her if she wanted to stream again, but we'd talked once and she said she'd finally gotten the cat earphones for the streams (she mentioned she wanted them beforehand) yeah anyways i dont think she actually hates hates me but idk the idea still lingers in my mind

uh yeah also i felt like shit for a bit bc i thought she definetely hated me bc we hadnt talked in a bit and she didnt like my memes anymore so i just assumed the worst, i even listened to break up music (which is what i do when a friendship ends bc altough ive never rly had strong romantic feelings for anyone that kind of song helps me move on after friend breakups too bc no one warns you abt how painful these are) and i cried obviously, but again i never mentioned it to anyone (i made a few vague textposts here though) and just got my shit together even if it hurt? lol, well a bit of time passes and everything seems to go back to normal, i dont remember how she told us but she said she had a job now which is why she didnt connect much and slept earlier and i felt relief lol bc i legit thought she hated me and i felt like shit abt it lol i mean the idea they kinda hate me lingers in my mind all the time but at that point in life i was like. SURE she hated me until that point. now we ocasionally play genshin together but i cant really talk at that time and that also makes me upset bc i do wake up late and im trying to fix my schedule a bit by waking up at 2pm instead of 5 pm but it doesnt even matter bc i play board games with my grandma daily (bc its good for her and its fun i do enjoy it) i just wish we could do it earlier bc lately she gets up at like 9pm and i end up finishing playing at 11/12/1 and its just kinda late to meet w my friends bc i always have smth to do/finish after and i just cant make it in time even if i wake up earlier? lol but i cant change her schedule so theres nothing i can do but cry about it

oh also ik matsunoadvice gave me advice on this but like there's this friend who i love obviously but sometimes he just talks abt his meetings w other friends and like it only makes me angry as fuck and i cant ask him to not bc im too shy but i wish he could stop. and also when he complains abt skate related stuff it makes me unexplainably angry but like i have no reason or right to im just angry bc i cant do that and probably never will bc i doubt ill ever be able to go out again ?? lol. and he even offered like "when we go out again u should come and ill lend u my skate and if u like it u can get one" and honestly its all super nice and i appreciate it and ive thanked him and told him yes but it just makes me feel angry inside bc i dont see an ending with all the mutations and shit and my voice cracks when i tell him haha yeah if we ever meet again bc honestly my youth is already over and i just spent it like a social recluse and i read a post here when i was younger that said like lgbt people spend their teens closeted and ashamed and live their teens in their twenties but now im gonna miss my twenties to the pandemic and then ill be too fucking old and itll be too fucking late and ill have to die and i just never lived bc i still havent even transitioned yet and i doubt ill ever be able to (this also causes me a lot of pain but i will ignore it) and the other day he said like i hope i can see u this year bc i miss u and i just said that honestly ive lost all hope of ever seeing anyone again and my voice cracked and my other friend said something related but not so related and im just glad he talked in bc i didnt rly care i just wanted to change the topic bc i know ill never see them again and eventually probably lose contact and see them all have fun together without me just as if i was dead but just didnt pass away and its difficult but i have to accept it and it hurts a lot now but in 7 years itll be fine, just like i accepted im unlovable and will never have a s/o and when i was 12 that hurt a lot but now it doesnt so someday i will be alone but i hope it doesnt hurt anymore.

this is all a mess and the format is everywhere and theres no timeline i hope no one reads it. if u do read it im sorry. i just honestly been carrying all of this for a while now and i want it out of my system honestly bc i dont know what to do with it and i was on the verge of a breakdown for a minimal thing hours ago i just want all this info out of my brain.....also obv these are only the bad things that have happened/good things that took me out of the hole but a lot of good things happened too lol and i skipped a lot of imp points like i changed careers and shit and also i met a lot of cool mutuals since i got back to tumblr and ososan been carrying my mental health every monday but yeah i just wanted the negatives out of the system. the frustrations and the anger. i hope no one reads this fr its so messy

[ts-akhmim]

Episode 14 (Finale) | “All of this and more, but only in Autumn's World” - Autumn

So I figured out that Amir does have the idol and Jakey originally had it that round... damn I wish I looked a little more but I just didn't think Jakey had it. So that probably means that Autumn is going this round, and then I just need to find a way to win this next challenge over Amir. I know Kendall and I will vote together next round regardless, so worst case scenario next round for me is that I am in some kind of fire-making challenge, but I at least see there being a good chance that me and Kendall could be sitting in FTC together, and I'm just hoping at this point that it's Augusto sitting there with us. P.S. In the event that I make FTC... I really hope I'm not seen as a goat. Like, I don't think I am, but I'm not sure how much respect I'll get for my game. I'm hoping people see how savvy I had to be to continuously work my way back up after a couple blindsides and being pushed to the bottom, but you never know with this jury / cast. P.P.S. Please no pressure cooker next round. I'm not ready to have to beat Amir THAT way.

So I'll count that as half of a success. I was at least able to help convince Amir to play the idol he told me about to flush that, and with Autumn safe, the next option was to do Adam. Knowing that if Autumn did have the merge idol, she probably wasn't playing it on Adam, this was the next best option. I need Kendall and Augusto around because those are the two I'd like to bring to FTC if I can make it there. It makes sense to take them to the end as our games are all very similar, so at least we aren't against a winner at the end. Part of me thinks that bringing Amir may not be the worst thing in the world given he has screwed over a decent bit of that jury, but also, I'd rather not take that risk.

So now that that's done and I'm cute and immune, I can confirm it all. Yes I do have the merge idol, yes I've had it since Final 7 but planned not to play it until Final 5, and yes that makes me the most powerful person here. Deadass everyone wants my head on a stick and I don't give a single fuck. I'm chilling all weekend, letting them think they're doing something if/when I lose win immunity, and then I'm sending a man out on one vote Monday night. You think they hate me now? Wait til they find out they can't take a shot at me until Final 4 lmaaaaoo. Be blessed! 

So Amir blames me for playing his idol... I think that's a win for me then, right?

I'm so glad I was able to take this challenge win! I needed to win this to guarantee I wasn't some kind of contingency plan. But now, it's about how can I guarantee a winner goes home. I've already kind of told Autumn she was in trouble (literally 0 point in lying to her about it) and have explained to both Kendall and Augusto that we should find a way to split the votes / guarantee that Autumn and Amir have no shot of working with one another and sending home one of the two people I want with me at FTC. I feel so close, yet so far away from the title of Sole Tumblr Survivor. I want this win so badly. I can't describe how much I want this win. I didn't come back just to have fun; I didn't come back just for maybe an ounce of redemption from Guyana, I came to win this mother-effer. I have at least a 25% shot at the moment, but I want to increase that number. 

Final 5... it's so insane honestly because I never expected this of myself but I've played my ASS off (literally, that's why I'm flatter than a table top) especially these past few rounds. I'm kinda shocked that the clear targets are Autumn/Amir/TJ just given I have been a force in the game (subtly ofc) so its def a gag... but yeah. TJ winning the immunity was WORST case scenario because I wanted to come for that man's neck SO bad but we'll just have to get him next time. Amir having the merge idol isn't a SHOCK but it was interesting to say the least like rip telling me that but both his idol plays are gonna be kinda useless which helps my case! I know that Autumn said me and Kendall have been up Amir's ass but first of all... i'm a bottom so I would never BUT also I feel I've held my own this entire game so it isn't my truth in the slightest but I'll just have to prove her, TJ, and the jurors wrong if I got to. I've gone from flop (16th in Bhutan, 17th in Great Lakes, 12th in Socotra) to the top (6th in Flops, 2nd in Seychelles) but I am trying to WIN and wear my deserved crown, it's time I won something yknow. 

Amir and I when my plan worked and NEITHER of us walked into jury yet again https://twitter.com/abridrakegraham/status/1222552252357005313 The kids HURTIN yall and I will 100% respect their privacy at this time. Like they really thought!!! They really thought they finally killed me and were probably singing ding dong the witch is dead all day and now look at em. They done lost the boy they all wanted to go to the end with, got severely played by me, AND still gotta see my face everyday. Someone check on Jordan Pines I wanna make sure he's not still holding his breath waiting for my demise. And I've teamed up with his other least favorite person? HOES MAD. But it's not just him- Kendall ready to fight Amir in PM's, TJ in his feelings on call during tribal, Augusto couldn't even find the words he was that shocked. It's all so glorious and I truly fucking love wrecking everyone's games. Amir was like I've never felt these emotions before/ this is one of the wildest moves I've ever been apart of and tbh I agree with Amir. This was batshit crazy but you know what the gag is? This is literally just another day in the mind of Autumn Hill Jury mad, the mayos mad, Augusto mad, and I'm literally on top on the world right now. Like I love Augusto yes but that move was the definition of powerful. Like it's not just playing an idol correctly. It's the fact that Amir came to me begging that I forgive him and that we work together again, I then agreed and admitted to having the idol to A WHOLE ASS WINNER, convinced Amir to tell the kids he had the idol, got everyone to feel super comfortable around me all night and day cause I knew "I was going," snapped in the tribe chat at 2:00 because I "just wanted people to be honest about voting me," got the kids to essentially then tell on themselves since they listed all the reasons why they were voting me, and then idoled out their king using his once closest ally. Liiiikkkee?? STIFF WHERE?? DEAD WHERE??? Bitch I'm playing to win ok I hope yall enjoying this master class I've put on cause I'm hanging it up after this. Unless yall get serious about having a TS version of Winners at War, then call me. But otherwise, yes I'm going ham because I have every intention of walking into the 2 time winners chat. I WANT TO ASCEND!!! So PSA: if my funeral is public knowledge, that means I ain't dying hahaha. Apparently everyone has nicknames for me and that might actually be my favorite part. Jakey calling the game Autumn's World all merge to the boys and TJ only referring to me as the Godmother?? iconic! You know I'd hate me too if I wasn't me, which is why I'm flattered by it all. They know damn well they're almost out of time to get rid of me and they've spent the entire fucking game hoping and wishing and praying and still can't pull it off. And them not targeting me out the gate like Jordan wanted has gotten soooo many people killed. But most importantly I have successfully played an idol now TWICE at Final 5.. And I sure did win back to back immunities at Final 4 and Final 3 in Crossroads so finding out this season has a final 2? Perfect let me dust off the blueprint real quick

 https://twitter.com/rcgersnatalia/status/1168071613763342336

okay im going to work my ass of to win this but autumn and tj have both claimed they can do this really well, so like basically, tj cannot win immunity, i need to win or i may be absolutely screwed https://66.media.tumblr.com/583667e85060a36a2cccb8551baa27d5/tumblr_inline_oh5slaYgdO1tr4u58_500.jpg but as of rn, i was going no matter what if i didnt win immunity, i tried to make a story to autumn and we called for like 3 hours and i did my damnest to sell that tj is the problem with everything that happened last round and that i was down to vote augusto for real until tj really sold the plan out to augusto and i didnt want to go to rocks, but i played the idol out of fear that augusto-kendall-tj would 3-2-1 me so she believed there is a true rift in the beauties right now and has more of a reason to hate tj she is so fucking smart so she may have sussed it out and went along with it, but im hoping it worked??? idek but she said if she wins immunity she'll idol me she did admit she has the idol to me but maybe because she knew i already knew

I just... do I even have words anymore? Like, time and time again, I'm getting screwed over and I just... it's a good underdog story now. I just have to win this next challenge. I guess regardless I had to win this next challenge, but also, I was really hoping to not have to have as much concern as I do right now.

What was that?? oh cause I thought the yts who can't successfully kill me had said something https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Wux4HnZRY0 Another day, another body bag. THEY WERE SO SURE THEY HAD ME AHHHH I really have to laugh. Kendall was certain this was my funeral and I'm like nah baby it's yours. I'm still screaming that TJ would keep immunity for himself and let Kendall go to firemaking where she would 100% lose that's wild. Only for me to find out after that sis really was THE RAT??? Y'all set her up lmaaaooo. Now I really don't feel bad cause she ran from her karma long enough and if Amir had told me that shit before firemaking I really would've smoked her in the comp. Kendall had no business snitching to Jordan about an airtight unanimous vote and blowing up all her allies' games just to do right by an egom aniac. Then Jordan still died and she falls in love with his bestie boo TJ (he's playing you sis!!) who sensed she could die this round but didn't give a single fuck?? Absolute mess. She really got Devon, TJ, Amir, and Augusto to lie about it the whole game and they agreed because they knew if I ever find out the truth, I'd kill her on sight. Bitch I killed her anyway!!! So was it even worth it? Cause she still walked into jury but she got a better placement and a noble death, which miss Devon and Augusto cannot say. Too busy being lying https://media3.giphy.com/media/6DMfLQEhixGdW/source.gif I feel so affirmed though- every person who has come for me is either sitting in jury or is about to walk in. That's power- that's RANGE! Also I just wanna say to Devon while I'm here:  you really gave me all that grief for considering you could be the rat when you, Amir, and Augusto were in on it and protecting Kendall the whole time??? Fuck outta here. Like whose fault is it really that you died Devon? I wanna know. You mad at me and Amir when you need to be mad at yourself for picking the wrong girl, which is on brand for straight white men but y'all not ready to have that conversation. Anyway! Kendall trying to undermine me the ENTIRE merge and using all these men to do it only to still get killed by me in the end?? Fucking love that shit. All of this and more, but only in Autumn's World

https://66.media.tumblr.com/143402720bb2766ebe14eb1d657e2ca6/tumblr_inline_o8662rxDt11tr4u58_250.gifv

Me before the challenge https://peopletalk.ru/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/tumblr_n49eidw5Zk1rsrbdko1_500.gif 

Me after I went beast mode and embarrassed the men https://twitter.com/intoragnarok/status/1233477557565173762

I'm screaming at Amir asking me after if kept him strategically or out of loyalty and I'm like sis what do you think. I was not about to let the white knights get their way and give TJ the win all because he's a good car salesman. Like y'all should've seen that 1 hr plus discussion of TJ and Amir going back and forth on camera about who I have a better chance of beating and I'm just sitting there IMMUNE taking notes, knowing neither of them wanted this. The power that that has, the intelligence that that has, the clearance that that has, the access that that has. Amir and TJ planning to kill me and then being thwarted once again is arguably my two favorite storylines. TJ wanted to do this the ENTIRE MERGE and I never let him succeed. And Amir wanted to be the one to say he killed me cause he's Mr. Smith when I'm Mrs. Smith and my ass spared him and helped him several times. Now look at em, getting third and second. I made a joke at Final 5 that Amir and I are the movie Mr. and Mrs. Smith and it's so true. I adore him as a person and I know he loves me too but we're not above killing each other. Hell we genuinely want to kill each other but time and time again we chose to kill everyone else instead lmao. 

So please enjoy this visual walkthrough of our wild ass partnership

(when we met at merge) https://i.pinimg.com/originals/3f/48/5e/3f485e53a56fb43c62c22c0790e8afd7.gif 

 (when we voted together at Final 11 and Final 10) https://media1.giphy.com/media/l3Ucho9gtq4b7SLok/source.gif 

 (when I caught Amir in a lie and killed Devon as retaliation but still wanted to work with Amir) https://media0.giphy.com/media/l3UcotueAJQAW0zjW/source.gif 

(when Amir killed Ali and Adam to piss me off) https://66.media.tumblr.com/eebc1dc0a509a652ea543aba82bcb1c5/tumblr_ojjk22iVXM1uhcmrao1_250.gifv 

(when Amir tried to get back in my good graces at Final 5) https://66.media.tumblr.com/3b157a36601820370897ace6673af493/tumblr_n17egq7Hdq1r7fawxo4_r3_250.gifv 

(when I agreed to the winners pact and got him to kill Augusto and Kendall with me) https://thumbs.gfycat.com/DefiniteVapidDogwoodtwigborer-size_restricted.gif 

 (when he kept trying me at Final 4 and Final 3/ saying he'd kill me) https://i.gifer.com/3lie.gif 

(when I snapped and took Amir to Final 2, like I said I would, and we both knew he'd lose beside me) https://66.media.tumblr.com/d1f3506fc873a7d2393d705a7f58065d/tumblr_mgooqovRHw1qkdoj2o1_500.gif

mood after everything that's happened and me making FTC again- we out here. Coming out of retirement has been good to me https://twitter.com/emrific/status/1235072497055227907

(final 4) oh dear me this one is a tuffyyyy wuffyyy.... okay okay. so its f4, tj thinks im voting with him and kendall to vote autumn. Autumn thinks im voting with her against kendall to make it firemaking. basically, i was originally gonna vote autumn, and i told autumn and she was like fk no so i told her im convinced but i am STILL UNSURE So if I vote kendall: autumn has to win fire making which like statistically i do not see kendall beating autumn, but then tj takes me to final 2 over autumn, and autumn will take me to final 2 over tj, she also threatened to make jury hate me if I cut her now which doesn’t really scare me tbh if I’m next to kendall anyway, but regardless of that threat, me going with tj and autumn gives me a 66% chance of winning this game. If me or Tj win final immunity, I think I win this game. If Autumn wins, then uhhhhggg she will probs take me but like we will thee i just hope she doesnt win final immunity If I vote autumn: me or kendall have to win final immunity, because if tj wins, then I’m getting third place, and kendall would probably take tj as well, so like, yeah i would beat them both at the end but i would be putting myself in a position where i have to win immunity but idk . i think voting kendall is better as i type dis

final 3 oh my gooooodddd, the fact that i am here is so surreal 2 me, and idk idk this immunity is gonna be the deciding factor of my game and im so nervous but also happy and proud of myself however this game turns out. hoyoyoyooyoy

SO MISSS AUTUMN JUST UHHHHHHHH wooped me arse in immunity and me and Tj had to PLEAD for ourlives but she ended up TAKING MEEEEEEEEE so partyyy Honslee tho, while this is gonna make winning 90x times harder, I am pretty happy to be sitting next to Autumn cuz our end game mr. and mrs. smith alliance is highkey iconic af ewnfewkjfnewkjnf like we killed each others allies and somehow have been aligned since early merge and I lied to her and somehow we always came back and protected each other and if i don't win im happy she will <3 but with that said, i gotta take her DOOOWNNN

AUTUMN WINS 8-1