#im not even bothered at all because its just sooooo ridiculous

[avemstella]

This anon comment has sent me, I'm dying from laughter at this blatant troll bait. There's just so much going on, from the moment I saw the anon was called "your mom" I knew I was in for a time.

My version of Kusanali is first mentioned in chapter 13 (which is the chap this comment is on) which means theoretically this person read 100k words of Sandrone being a dog boy, Signora not being the Crimson Witch, Capitano just being an old sailor man, Pierro being an eboy, etc, before reading me just MENTIONING my version of Kusanali, which was written months before she came out (or was even leaked) and that is where they draw the line. This anon who "likes things to be canon" haha.

I just, its so funny and with the user name they aren't even hiding the fact that they are a troll. Also the fact that they are weirdly polite, it was such a baffling comment to read first thing in the morning. I wish I could know what went through this persons head, I'm so curious if anything here is remotely genuine.

My current theory is that they saw my art of my version of the dendro archon and then did a control f sort of thing because considering its about Kusa (and using her full title at that), its probably some racist bait because I drew her darker then a sheet of paper. But in my heart I would like to think they really did read up until that point and will continue reading because it brings me joy haha.

[kats-fic-recs]

SNS Fic Recs that live in my head rent free

1) A Heart for a Bear Words: 2,668 Chapters: 1/1 Rating: T

Sasuke really shouldn't have said yes to this date, I mean who takes a high school guy to Build-a-Bear? The answer, he should have known, was Naruto.

A really sweet story

Such a fluffy read :))

2) Armistice Words: 14,533 Chapters: 1/1 Rating: M

Sasuke is still here.

Or maybe; love hasn't passed them yet.

Asdffjdjskslsk cute

3) Cracks in Reality Words: 17,722 Chapters: 2/2 Rating: Gen Other Pairings: Uzumaki Naruto/Hyuuga Hinata

Hinata wakes up in a world where her family isn't in pieces.

Or alternatively, Hinata finds herself in an alternate reality where Boruto isn't a pint-sized brat, Himawari is a prodigal genius, the heir to the Uchiha clan is a pink-haired kunoichi, and it's hard to remember that the Uchihas aren't actually a part of their family.

Ok so there is some endgame. And oh goshhhh this fic had me in TEARS its sooooo good

4) Waiting for an Answer Words: 8,013 Chapters: 1/1 Rating: T

After eight years of struggling, Naruto finally caves and confesses to Sasuke. But it's okay; nothing is going to change between them. Everything will be the same.

...The moment Sasuke stops bringing it up every twenty seconds, it'll be the same.

SNS, oneshot.

I love my 2 idiots who can't flirt

5) show me the way that’s home Words: 22,161 Chapters: 4/4 Rating: T Other Pairings: Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka Haruno Sakura/Yamanaka Ino

Naruto calls Sasuke bro because that’s what they are. They’re best bros, and best roommates, and best Mario Party partners. And really, if Naruto sometimes lies awake at night thinking about how much it sucks that Sasuke’s straight and not interested, that’s his business.

This had no goddamn business being THAT funny

6) Maybe, Probably Words: 10,081 Chapters: 1/1 Rating: T

'Sometimes he thought he just didn't like people, that maybe he was incapable, or something, that he was wired all wrong, that it was just one of the many, many things wrong with him. But then there was Naruto, and all the insistent little nagging thoughts he had about him, and he didn't think that was true anymore--- at least, not entirely, and how ridiculous was that? How stupid was he? How could he turn into this desperate, scared, clingy person? How could he fall in love with the one person he couldn't stand losing?'

Naruto and Sasuke are sent to a neighboring village to do some petty construction work, and Sasuke is maybe (probably) in love with him, and Naruto is maybe (probably) the most oblivious human being alive.

SSDITSNGGEJTGWITSULU9SS5ISGLSJGLIYSLILSTLTUSLI5AILS5

7) kiss me, we're on fire, babe Words: 31,051 Chapters: 1/1 Rating: E

Before leaving, he dims the light, glancing over his shoulder at the sight of Sarada and Naruto. The idiot pricks at his skin, eliciting a budding feeling he’d long forgotten could be felt—ignoring the warmth spreading through his chest he exits the room. Funny thing is if you don’t nip the bud before full bloom they keep growing, vines and petals thriving under the sun. Sasuke’s not bothered to pluck it just yet.

or; sasuke's a single-dad sous chef and naruto's an elementary school teacher.

Sososo adorable

8) Let Us Live Words: 29,961 Chapters: 1/1 Rating: Gen

Uncle Naruto thinks smiles will fix everything even if they're forced. Her mother dusts the cabinets like she wants to break them, and refuses to answer the questions that burn on Sarada's tongue. Her father is a mystery and an absence everyone tiptoes around.

AU. Sarada is an Uchiha in every aspect.

A really really interesting au

9) from the corner of your eye Words: 164,665 Chapters: 75/75 Rating: T

When a misunderstanding prompts Sasuke to take a deeper involvement in the growth of his teammates, no one is quite prepared for the way things... change. Especially Sasuke.

The question is - is it for the better?

[A slow burn Naruto rewrite.]

[Current Arc: Land of Tea]

You know that one post where it's like Sasuke never realized Naruto kissed him by accident, this story is based on that

Im only on chapter 27 and this is a masterpiece.

10) Renewal Words: 13,723 Chapters: 1/1 Rating: M

Sasuke cleans house, goes home, and then cleans that house too. Misunderstandings abound but eventually they do get it right.

Cuuuuuteeeee

TAAA DAAAA YOU'VE MADE IT TO THE END CONGRATSSSS

[letsperaltiago]

ok time to break my silence caused by the fact that i spent all day making this lol too many feels 

so.. palm springs thoughts !! and there are manyyyy so buckle up and feeel free to hit me up with either matching or contradicting thoughts or whateveer!! i would LOVE to nerd out about this movie with someone:’)

here comes thoughts and pictures!! 

we basically start off with a mr. samberg sex-scene okAYYYYY the mood is set. we love the view

nyles aka. mr. samberg is the most gorgeous man alive and it was a true pleasure to admire him for 90 minutes straight 

CURLS!!????! THEY ARE UNREAL. i shall dedicate an entire post to them

Cristin Milioti is perfect for her role. her acting? *chef’s kiss* I love that she’s not the stereotypical female rom-com lead.

Her chemistry with Andy? Gosh.. Can’t believe Nyles x Sarah is my new main movie-ship!! They play off of each other SO. WELL. Their characters are equally stone cold and bitter, but then again not really, and they both portray it so well!!

“You don’t ned a leg up.” *moans* “Hold my leg up!” i SCREAMED

“Don’t you kiss me.” “Don’t you tell me what to do.” hoW DARE THEY!

Ok ur basically on love already stop it

The fact that they were just gonna fuck on a blanket on top OF ROCKS?!

but then again in this movie’s already insane universe it’s prob pretty normal:)

The overall dark, existential humor?? This is what I live and breathe for on a daily basis. Basiaclly both main characters are a BIG MOOD

Nyles not giving a shit vs. Sarah severely freaking out in the beginning is an iconic dynamic

“I am the antichrist” and then the rock falling? For a hot sec I literally thought the movie was gonna take a turn with Nyles being some magical/scientific creature that’d created the timeloop or something idkkk ahhha

Nyles in the suit... ridiculous(ly hot)

The torture methods Roy uses on Nyles and the fact that he’s not mentally scarred?? How?? 

On that note I love that Nyles and Sarah keep their memories even if the day starts over. Would’ve been a completely different concept if they had to “meet each other for the first time” every day and it wouldn’t’ve allowed their relationship arc to evolve as it did 

Darla is the fucking shit 

Nyles in the baseball cap, amirite?

THE BARTENDER TALKING ABOUT HITTING A GUY WITH THE CAR SHE’S CURRENTLY GIVING NYLES A HANDJOB IN IS COMEDIC GOLD 

“You fucked Jerry Schlieffen?” “Well he fucked me.” Yes SIR. Andy Samberg’s characters are all bottoms and we’re here for it

Sarah’s tongue click and “nice try” when Nyles asks her about her sex life?? 

IDK WHY BUT SO GOD

Randy is hella annoying. That’s it. That’s the tweet.

THIS ENTIRE SCENE:

the fact that they both start waking up smiling because now at least they have each other 🥺😭🤯

uhm i love a good ship that’s like... best friends to lovers and the montage of them basically becoming besties killed me 

this outfit Y E S: 

sarah falling off the car and nyles laughing it off is relationship goals

the crashing plane I LOL’ED

okay so... big moment... the DANCING AND MATCHING OUTFITS? THEY ARE MY DREAM TEAM. Also how excited they are running away from the bar 🥺

IM POSITIVE THIS IS THE MOMENT NYLES KNOWS! LIKE HE DOESN’T ADMIT IT TO HIMSELF COMPLETELY BUT HE KNOWS 

the bomb in the cake and french pirate-skit? so fucking random but i lovee it because it’s so them

*DRUM ROLL* PERHAPS MY FAVORITE MOMENT IN THE ENTIRE MOVIE: 

STORYLINE WISE AND VISUALLY A++++

the deep talks by the fire were SO well written. they were actually deep and genuine, allowing the characters to grow and opening up to us as viewers but also remained fun and witty

sarah trying to get nyles to admit he cares for her and him joking it off??? the flirtinggg

really wish we’d gotten to know more about what nyles meant with “it drifts away: just like they all do.” because it really seemed to trigger something within him. Like WHO “They”???

the dinosaurs lmao no comment but at least they got a cute cuddly moment

from the very first millisecond inside the tent you can CLEARLY tell Sarah is just dying to do something about them!!!

 the disbelief on nyles’ face when sarah says “lets just get it over with” because she’d clearly stated he didn’t want to and even though he obviously did he’s respected it and not done anything further about it oh babey

we love some good making out:’))) 

NYLES HALTING TO TAKE IN THE MOMENT EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO SCREAM INTO THE VOID 

i will die for a post-sexy timez cuddle and how sarah is trying to staying awake to be besides him is just *explosion* 

this has to be *the moment* she realises 

and they’re both sooooo fucking happy when they wake up after damn love me like that pls

THE GROOM BOOO FUCK OFF CAN’T EVEN BE BOTHERED TO REMEMBER HIS NAME CHEATING SCUM 

THIS FACE:

Baby is trying so hard and is so cute and nervous about it. SARAH LISTEN TO HIM HE LOVES YOU.

HE FELT GOOD WAKING UP BECAUSE OF YOUUUU, GIRL. DO NOT CALL IT “FUN”, SARAH 

“Going to bed maybe just got a little better” 😭😭😭😭

The entire cop scene is just pure insanity, very Lonely Island and I’m here for it even though I just want Sarah to rEALLY LISTEN TO WHAT NYLES IS TRYING TO SAY 

“Pain is real” oh babey that means SO MANY THINGS 🥺💔

“I followed you into that cave because I liked you!” like jake would say: don’t love how we got here but we’re going where i want

“pretentious sad boy” me

not shocked that they’ve hooked up before because c h e m i s t r y but don’t like how it got out :)))

why is nyles’ one sleeve shirt rolled up? im triggered

drinking pure vodka? oh babey its gonna be okay 

WE LOVE A SMART BOI WHO RECOGNIZES HIS GIRL’S PERFUME 

Sarah’s parents singing:)) i would cry too, nyles

"I love her.” “I see... That’s interesting” lmao savage

I actually really love Roy’s character. It turns out to be very humble actually and he has some insightful and lowkey poetic that lines i love. Besides that he’s hilarious. 

SO the whole time i was wondering how they’d get out of the whole “same day forever”-thing, if they were to. and I LOVE LOVE LOVE that they had such a logical way out of it: science. Not anything cheesy like “a true love’s kiss” or “you learned your lesson”. Pure logic and Sarah’s hard work to get there. Huge fan of this. 

I will never get over how good Nyles looks waking up and Sarah is xtra pretty in that scene:’) 

Nyles just wants to stay in a loop forever because it means for sure that he gets to stay with Sarah forever and I’m lowkey into it but also like lowkey LISTEN TO HER AND GO WITH HER PLAN, NYLES

“I wanna stay with you” *sniffles*

“I love you. How about that?” PRETTY FUCKING GOOD 

I love Nyles’ character development. He started off so nonchalant and cold, closed off and by this point he’s the softest, smiliest in love fool I’ve ever seen and Andy does it so good. SAMBERG HEART EYES!!

“Nothing is real in here” YES SARAH UR LOVE IS

I’m taking Sarah’s asking Nyles to believe in her and leave with her as her first “I love you” because it’s very clear that she wants to leave with him rather than without. 

just- this entire scene i ugh <3 <3 <3 <3

BREAKING. UP. WITH. MISTY ! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

glass of wine filled to the brim? sarah’s my type of gal

the speech was really beautiful and sweet without being too cheesy and kudos to cristin for really delivering it like a pro! especially her “abe, don’t fuck this up” like yes girl kill him, chop him to pieces with your eyes!!! also camila is such really pretty bride

nyles looks like a cockatoo here :

nyles taking the shot and smashing the glass into the ground got me 🤭😵😏🥵

“I’m your son” I SCREAM

GIVE THE MAN A WHITE HORSE DAMNIT

Gotta admit Sarah looks like a bomb (lol nu pun intended) ass super hero in her bridesmaid dress and C4-gettup 

The sentence ending up being total grammatical gibberish but Nyles trying so. damn. hard is the sweetest thing ever and should and will go down in rom-com history. It’s super romantic but also well-balanced by humor and I just.. so good. This is the kind of characters and relationships I love and wanna write myself 

“you’re my favorite person that i’ve ever met” 🥺🥺🥺

“i’d rather die with you than live in this world without you” WHY AM I SO SINGLE SOMEONE LOVEE ME LIKE THIS 

okay so idk but “what if we get sick of each other?” “we’re already sick of each other. it’s the best.” is so so so soft, the way nyles says it like it doesn’t matter and is honestly another key moment for me: they’ve experienced basically everything imaginable during their time in the box/loop. they’ve liked, disliked, loved, hated each other and still: he loves her. the fact that nyles knows no matter what happens it won’t stop that because it’s them?? ouch my heart. 

this chaotic mess of a pairing?MESSY BOMB BRIDESMAID AND CURLY-HAIR HAWAII SHIRT-BOI!! MY OTp

Them dissing Nyles’ mom on their way into potential death? that’s love, baby 

the fUCKING KISSSSSSS MANNNNNNNNNN!!!! SO ICONIC AND THE EXPLOSION IN THE BACKGROUND AND JUST WE DESERVE THIS THEY DESERVE THIS EVERYONE DESERVES THISSSS!!! 

NEVER OVEER THIS EVER FOREVER NEVER

Ok so I was SURE that when it faded to black that it was done and I grew super ficking frustrated because it would leave us with this “the ending is up to whatever you chose”-kinda thing kinda a la Celeste and Jesse where it just feels unresolved and I WASN’T OKAY WITH THAT. So I’m so happy we got to know that it worked and the bebes will live happuilly ever after with Nyles’ shaggy dog:’) 

Their hands on each other’s knee >>>>>

all in all 100000/10 

[carry-on-my-wayward-butt]

Do you have bpd? My best friend was diagnosed recently (after she tried to overdose on pills right in front of me rip), and we have been trying to figure it out together. I want to be there for her as much as possible but I have ppl telling me that ppl w/bpd are toxic and I should run but she's my best friend and I don't wanna leave her :(

people with BPD can be toxic. people with depression can be toxic. people with celiac disease can be toxic. people with broken arms can be toxic. people can be toxic. a lot of the time in my experience people see the letters BPD and immediately assume that person is sooooo toxic and terribleeee and should be avoided like the plague~ and that outs them to me as someone toxic themselves.

people with BPD are always hurting themselves before they hurt others. hurting themselves more than they hurt others. questioning themselves harder than they question others.

people with BPD have a few hallmarks:

unstable relationships both with others and with oneself, sometimes called splitting. chronic feelings of emptiness that lead into impulsive, self destructive behaviors, including self harm. extreme emotions, felt at twice the speed and half the cooldown, the same emotions that anyone else feels, but louder and harder to control. feeling suspicious of or out of touch with reality, causing dissociation. all of these leading into the most common one, fear of abandonment. because if someone leaves me because of all of that, after telling me for so long that im not fucked up and its okay and it can be fixed, then obviously i deserved it for being fucked up and can never be fixed.

i have BPD, and i’m ridiculously lucky enough to have access to competent treatment. not everyone has this boon.

unfortunately i was much, much fucking worse before this and hurt a shitload of people. i still believe some of them deserved it for one reason or another. and regardless of whether they actually do deserve it, i was still hurting people. sometimes on purpose.

sometimes i lie. for no reason. about shit that doesnt matter. to my therapist. i’ll be telling her what happened today and say that i had a sandwich when i actually had an omlette. i guess because i actually wanted a sandwich. it has taken me an actual year of trying to even notice when i do it, in order to be able to reliably backtrack on lies and say “no i didnt. i lied about that. here is what actually happened.” again, to my own therapist. who doesn’t give a shit what i ate.

it is….. exhausting. it is exhausting just to exist. every time i feel sad, i’m in a tailspin of despair. every time i feel angry, it’s righteous fury. every time i feel happy, im a beacon of joy and hope. every time.

every. time.

thanks to a solid half-decade of self-study and professional treatment, i can identify when it’s happening, and work to curb it into manageable bits that can be dealt with slowly and carefully. but it still happens first. and strongly. and so, so fucking loudly.

i have been a Lot to deal with. my husband only knows how to deal because i took the initiative to teach him, and he took the initiative to listen to how i feel and pay attention when i tell him what i need from him. i’m only able to tell him what i need by knowing what i need, and learning to figure out what i needed took a very long time.

this book was my best friend for 3 years, and it helped me notify my husband when i was about to kill myself. i never got around to buying the Stronger than BPD Journal, but the DBT skills in it are livesavers.

as for you, read up on different ways you can support someone with BPD. and if you’re up for it, do your best to defend us from armchair diagnostics and people who call us shit like “emotional vampires” and “never worth it”. untreated BPD sucks eggs, and you’re never required to stay in a relationship that hurts you.

it sounds like you’re willing to put the work in to support your friend and that’s really good of you. just make sure to take care of yourself too, because compassion fatigue is real and will burn you out so fast. take breaks, communicate honestly and reliably that you’ll be back, and then actually be back. when something hurts you, say so. when something bothers you, say so. clear communication, honesty, and taking care of yourself are the strongest supports you can utilize.

you’re a good egg.

[dealingdreams]

Okay TROS thoughts...here we go. I’m putting them all below the cut in case somehow you’ve avoided spoilers

so general thoughts...i didnt hate it nearly as much as i thought i would so thats pleasant but im gonna break it down more

things i liked:

Adam Driver.  just Adam. Fucking. Driver my dudes. This is like a backhanded compliment because JJ is so fucking lucky Adam was cast because the emotional depth of the film rested literally all on his shoulders for me. I only felt the weight if he was acting in a scene. 

I’ll admit im biased but I did adore the interaction between Finn and Poe. Their bickering amused me and the tenderness between them was wonderful...I think Oscar played Poe a bit jealous as well which i liked.

the Reylo scenes to me where beautiful. Ben never lied to her, she tried to deny it but she knew he never did. I loved that he was kinda guiding her, protecting her, loving her, and antagonizing her all at once. I loved how soft their kiss was, their smiles are literally the light of my life. Rey’s face when she healed him. Ben just staring at her as she tells him she did want to take his hand...just chef’s kiss

I loved the saber fights. Ben’s fight at the beginning was hot as fuck...and his fight as newly redeemed Ben Solo was even hotter somehow.

 I enjoyed the fight scenes between ben and rey! how often ben just let her walk away, and despite that one scene which i will mention below...i like i even tho rey was rather aggressive idk...it didnt really feel like she was trying to hurt him much either? i just think they had a lot of chances to kill each other and didnt take it...so i like that

i knew she was looking at ben in that clip i knew it...she only makes that soft face at him

I always enjoy stupid ass C3PO jokes for some dumbass reason

Han and Ben’s scene was heartbreaking and beautiful. Again tho JJ is fucking lucky to cast Adam cause recycling dialogue from TFA wouldnt have worked at all had Adam not been so fucking amazing

the save chewie hall blaster scene was fun 

i liked how fucking dramatic children ben and rey were with that damn ship lol...no im gonna force pull it...no im gonna...what dorks

while i didnt like the entire way the force bond was used i did enjoy seeing it still strong and growing

confirming canon soulmate reylo was a highlight

ben’s hair looked bomb

finn’s outfit was cool

Jannah was beautiful (please correct me if i misspell her name)

dark rey was glorious tho 

that new little droid is literally me so i adore it

that sith cave thing was really fucking cool looking 

the visuals of the film were most of the time stunning 

sooooo...now to what i didn’t like:

I think this first one is the most obvious for those who know me but...Ben’s death just feels so utterly useless to me. especially when they gave him a metaphorical death earlier in the film. i feel extremely hurt and betrayed. Disney has gone out of their way to make us sympathize with Ben Solo. They’ve revealed more and more of his past...how alone he was, the abuse he suffered from snoke and palpatine. just fuck...they just kill him...the moment he realizes he’s free and loved they end his life....literally WHAT THE FUCK. it’s a chicken shit way out of a redemption arc honestly. Not letting u just breath after his death was also so horrible. We barely got to see Rey mourn, we got a split second of it then it jumped to another scene...another second of her looking sadly at her sabor to have the moment interrupted 

tag on to above but...they didnt have him as a force ghost cause Disney is intentionally keeping where he is ambiguous so they can sell more shit which pisses me off so much

thats not how the force works

there couldnt have been that many sith could there??? cause like there can only be 2 at one time....fucking rule of 2 so how the hell were there that many

palps being like...see i actually want you to kill me...is ridiculous

rey palpatine is the most idiotic thing i have ever heard. Rey being a no one from no where was such an amazing thing. Just anyone can be strong in the force...you dont need royal blood to make you worth something....then they just retcon that??? the fuck I MEAN THE FUCK. 

Finn does nothing but worry about Rey the whole film. I know folks dont like his storyline in TLJ and while i understand that and do think it could have been written better i still adore it because Finn grew. He grew from just caring about a small group of people to caring about an idea to caring about something bigger than him. I didnt see any growth in his character in this film. His heroics were beautiful to see and I enjoyed seeing his heart but that was John’s acting more than the writing it think. 

sidelining rose was fucking disgusting 

the trio felt forced to me

the leia scenes didnt work for me honestly and they mostly just made me sad

bringing in lando now felt weird 

ive wanted force sensitive finn for a while but didnt feel right

why the fuck have finn want to tell rey something but never do...ugh i hate storytelling like that

they never explained how palps is back...he just is

rey stabbing ben felt odd to me. i loved the moment when she healed him, and i know technically her anger and darkside was coming out and she acted on instinct...nevermind that even before leia called out to him ben coudnt follow thru with the killing blow. 

....i’m sure i’ll think of more as i get angrier 

anyways over all...id be lying if moments didnt make me laugh or smile...if i didn’t feel a sense of nostalgia and enjoyment for 80% of this movie. The thing is that even with so much of it being enjoyable to me it still felt void. An action movie, with new characters, a confusing plot and very minimal emotional depth.

The emotion hinged soooo much on Adam or me. The biggest reason for that aside from that fact that Ben Solo is one of my all time favorite characters, is that the things Rey is dealing with in the film are directly related to her being a palpatine...and i HATE THAT. Like straight up wanna fling it into the sun. 

Rey never needed to be related to a force royal bloodline. She should have been allowed to remain strong because she was just strong. Kylo’s equal in every way, not because she was the granddaughter of a sith which btw you can’t inherit force powers. Retconing something so touching and unique from TLJ was just...fucking idiotic. All to please the loud but small misogynistic fandom that thought a woman couldnt be that strong on her own so she must be related to someone

The biggest thing....tho is killing Ben. it felt so unnecessary and just...i feel so betrayed. The interviews leading up to the film got my hopes up that i was worried for nothing. I always thought they’d kill him, because cinema seems to not know what to do with characters has tragic as him without just killing him in the end. we already got a redemption = death plotline in this franchise...why couldnt we get a redemption = life instead??? My friend who doesnt even like sw that much...tros was actually the 2nd sw fim she’s ever seen...thought it was unnecessary as well and agrees with me a lot about my feelings despite not having the same intense emotional attachment to him as me. She for a moment thought they’d be together at the end but nope. Its just...pointless to me now, the sacrifices han, luke, and leia made to reach Ben are for nothing. Their deaths...pointless...Ben means so fucking much to me. I’ve never felt such an intense emotional bond with a character before so im just hurting so fucking much right now.

Rey taking the name Skywalker isnt hopeful or cute its a slap in the face honestly...and it’s just weird! 

The last Skywalker died loved and held by the woman he loved and that is beautiful to me. He died happy and a hero thats a balm at least...but to not let him be the one to kill palpatine...after everything EVERYTHING he put him and his family thru was another just fuck...i wanted justice for him and he just got thrown away

Ultimately...Ben and Rey are soulmates and their force bond was severed. Palpatine didnt take that from them because he couldnt have...again not how the force works....but JJ used that bond to be a battery???? the fuck...but ultimately hes forcing Rey to live the rest of her days with a gaping wound in her soul. a wound unable to be filled and will be with her for the rest of her life...thats so fucking tragic to me. you give rey someone who is her equal, who understands her, and you take him from her and force her to be alone for the rest of her life?? and we are supposed to not see that as a tragedy? Her being fineishness at the end of the film seemed like direction from either the writing or in the moment, but just further proves he didnt bother to even understand the lore he was using. Force bonds were considered i quess legends in the current SW canon but Rian brought it back...so it’s back. and well

  "A bond between two living beings is not something easily broken. It is not a choice… it is like breaking a feeling. Like turning away from the Force. To break a bond, your feelings would have to change, or one of you would have to die—but even then, the bond wouldn't go away, it would simply… it would simply be empty, a wound."―Master Zez-Kai Ell[src]

and .... the only way to break it was to turn away from the Force, as Surik did on Malachor V. So basically it all came down to creating a wound in the Force”

sooo yeah...im pissed i’d give this movie a 1 1/2 out of 5 

thank you for those who have read my rantings! I hope at least some of this made sense

[featherfreezombie]

iw SPOILERS

alrighty folks, i need to do a ramble. i saw infinity war, rest is under the cut of course. so SPOILERS!!!!!!

i HATED IT SO FUCKING MUCH SO FUCKING FUCIKING MUCH

alright. let’s get the big thoughts out of the way first. i am not mad people died, i also am not lying on the floor crying like so many have written they do. i feel nothing and it’s infuriating.

you know that effect when the scale goes up and up and up and it becomes less relatable in its one-upmanshit of itself? that was a typo and im not going to fix it. oneupmanshit. there you go.

thanos is a huge problem, i didn’t give a damn in the trailers, thought they might do stuff.. but.. omnipotence is just sooooo fuuuuucking boooooring and his motivations are “i do evil things because of a messed up conviction” but on the largest scale where it just seems so ridiculous and i can’t take him seriously even as he plows through the heros. his little lovey-dovey gamora moments don’t do shit considering how he raised her, set against her sister and all that. your love isn’t redeeming if it’s BIG-TIME abusive you fucking grapesicle.

okay so that’s thanos.

i think the plot and writing was exceptionally bad. everything that happens seemed to VERY obviously set up something they wanted to happen, which is how plots work but you’re not supposed to notice. and if the things that happen don’t make sense, it becomes even worse. just one example was stark’s line of we need to find vis, who might be able to find him “steve rogers might” why would he though?

steve isn’t this huge wealth of intelligence (as in knowledge and information, not smarts), if he had said natasha, that would’ve made sense. if he said wanda, that would have made sense. but no, we needed to set up the civil war talk and steve’s name had a bigger impact. bullshit.

OHOHOH, i should really talk about loki though. i got the feeling the russos just had no idea what to do with him and didn’t care. the only way his final actions make sense is if you view it as “suicide by thanos”. like. standing in front of thanos, giving him some weak drivel about pledging loyalty and then summoning a butter knife in the back of his hand, while thanos’ buddies stand behind HIM, and straight on attack? bull-fucking-shit. i could see how his final words might have been to thor, to say “hey, we’re family, goodbye” and shit.. but in his current state of mind and in that moment, it’s so out of character to do what he did.

loki would have slunk into the shadows, maybe fake being killed so that thanos might feel he had his fun and leave thor. which is what i hope happened, but somehow i don’t believe it anymore, since he would have been blown into space too, i guess. i had hopes he’d snuck onto the donut maybe, but.. nah.. probably not. though i WILL fantasize about loki being on titan too, with a very messed up tony. oh wait, quill’s alive too... right...

great scene by the way, on titan, kill all the aliens and let three human white dudes sitting there. eh, two. strange died too.

-breeeeeathe-

alrighty.

so, treatment of loki put me in a very bad headspace. they didn’t even bother showing the setup of that scene. bruce knows loki was sent by thanos. we will never know what loki actually said to them before they were borded, it’s just cast aside.

so, i am willing to attribute a lot of my grievances with this piece of shit movie to an opening scene that pissed me off ROYALLY. i wouldn’t have minded him dying per se, i was expecting it kind of, but the way they did crushed my suspension of disbelief. the bad writing continued to do that, so i was beside the movie, watching from the outside for the entire time and completely emotionally detached.

i wanted to go home to watch inane let’s plays and play idle games, i did not give a single fuck. i tried, i wanted to like the movie. i even came up with all sorts of plottwists, that might have made things interesting. one of which would be a heel-turn of thor where he kills thanos and takes the gauntlet, now THAT would have been cool and actually sort of in character. i liked his heart-to-heart with rocket about not having anything left, so... i could see it.

my mind supplied all these alternate developments to try and redeem what i was seeing, but no.. aaaaaand the disintegrating. now. infinity gauntlet complete, thanos nopes out of wakanda and half the universe dies. no send-off, no context. it felt like MARVEL culling the herd, that’s gotten to big, it felt fake and random. i mean it was supposed to be random in canon, but it really jsut felt to me like feige standing there with a clipboard going “okay black panther is gonna bomb, don’t need t’challa anymore i guess.... let’s see... bucky, eeh.. let’s kill all this stucky talk. who else. vis, out. (i was gald about that one actually)”

[and would they have killed of t’challa if they had known how well bp was received? maybe they thought it would just add some one-time “flavor” and be like this “see, we can have an african lead too” that didn’t need to be made any deeper. ugh.]

like the only death that had an impact was peter, he’s the only one that got sort of a send-off. i guess bucky, because he was the first, felt special too. it was sooo lazyyyy....

it’s like, we need to kill many people, but it’s also a disney movie so it cannot feel too much like a massacre. it just fucking sucked.

romance! eh. yeah. watching a 20-year old woman with a 2-year old man who looks about 60 is just so many shades of wrong and uncomfortable, god am i glad vision is gone.

there was the obligatory bruce-nat glances, but nothing more. there was a bit of tony-pepper stuff, and i hate that ship. squicks me the f out for some reason. one of them being that they reconciled off-screen in homecoming and i have never seen how there’s anything more than friendship between them, i see the two as a brother/sister like relationship, so the forced romance and marriage and all that, ugh.

quill and gamora is actgually pretty sweet, their moments also provide character development, i like.

ooookay that was a long one and i got a lot off my chest. i just felt hollow and like i wouldn’t be excited about anything in life anymore, i still feel like it tbh. even though i tried to not get hyped about it, because i had tons of doubt, i wanted to enjoy the movie and i so thoroughly didnt, that i do not feel like seeing another marvel movie ever again, and that is some strong shit.

i have measured my life in “how long until thor2″ and “just half a year to civil war” and stuff like that, so... it feels like a huge loss. hope ill get some excitement back somehow, just now i feel nothing but cynical and jaded and i hate it. i like to like things, i like being positive about things and i tried, i really tried.

fuck you marvel

[hannahindie]

Maple Leaves and Flannel

Characters: Sam Winchester x Reader, Dean Winchester (mentioned) Word Count: 2,608 Warnings: Cutesy fluff and extreme descriptions of fall. (I don’t think that’s really a warning, but I’m a wordy girl so...maybe?) A/N: I wrote this for @impalaimagining’s Favorite Seasons Gif Challenge! Fall is my favorite time of year, so I was excited to get to write a fic that primarily focused on that.

Beta’d by my wonderful @trexrambling, because without her, a lot of my thoughts would be jumbled: “THIS. HANNAH, THIS!!!!!! YESSSSSSS I LOVE THIS LINE IT IS MY NEW FAVORITE LINE. Gaaaaaaaaaah this is wonderful.”

And my sweet @pinknerdpanda, who encourages me even when I hate nearly everything I wrote and feel like starting over: “ I love this whole sentence sooooo much!”

As usual, tags are at the bottom. Please let me know if you’d like to be added!!

Fall has always been my favorite time of year. Summer had its moments, but when the stifling heat finally started melting into cool breezes, when I could enjoy the sun’s warmth on my face without immediate fear of being burnt to a crisp, I was in my happy place. If anyone were to ask me why fall was my favorite, besides the cooler temperatures and the lack of sun poisoning, it would be hard to pinpoint an exact thing.

It could be the brilliant colors the leaves inevitably changed to, a magnificent splash of reds and oranges and yellows all mixing together to make it look like the landscape was on fire. The slow appearance of Halloween decorations that would go up bit by bit; a zombie here, purple and green lights there, fake spiderweb stretching across every available surface. The extraordinary amount of pumpkins that would just appear with no warning on porch steps, balanced precariously on hay bales that also would magically appear, a majority of which had simple faces that had been painstakingly carved into them by excited children who cared less about the carving and more about cleaning out the slimy guts inside.

So, had you asked me what my favorite thing about fall was, I would have told you it was too hard to choose and wandered off with my pumpkin spice latte to find some crunchy leaves to jump in.

Well, that’s what I would have said. But then I saw him.

Right in the middle of town is a large maple tree. Large is really an understatement. This maple tree is one of the oldest I’ve ever seen, and it’s huge. It’s right on the edge of the sidewalk, and the roots have pushed up the concrete slabs like they’re made out of foam. Every year, I expect one of the massive branches to break off and land on top of the old, Victorian-style house that sits empty next to it, but every year it proves me wrong. It also sits directly on the path I take from my apartment to the library, and every time I walk past, regardless of what I might be doing at the time, I glance up at the huge spanning limbs and falling leaves. Most days, there’s nothing remarkable about it. It’s beautiful, yes, and it’s one of my favorite things about my town...but generally speaking, it’s the same scene every single day.

Except one day when there was an addition to the normal scenery.

I had just crossed the street and was making my way down the sidewalk when I glanced up out of habit and stopped dead in my tracks. Standing just under the maple was a tall man, his head bent as he looked down at his phone. His shaggy, chestnut hair hung down and obscured most of his face, and I held my breath as I waited for him to look up. He was wearing a burnt orange coat and a lighter orange flannel; he was like the perfect autumn day in a ruggedly handsome, broad shouldered package. He must have realized someone was staring at him because he looked up and locked eyes with me, a small smile playing on his lips.

“Hi,” he said softly, his voice deep and smooth.

I finally released the breath I’d been holding, my eyes wide. “H-hello.”

He took a couple of steps towards me and pocketed his phone as he did, “Sorry to bother you, but do you live around here?” I nodded but remained quiet. “Do you know much about this house?”

“Oh, yea, it’s one of my favorite places in town. Are you...are you interested in buying it?”

He shoved his hands in his pockets and nodded, “Yea, actually. Me and my brother grew up in a house like this, and I just happened to be driving through when I saw it.”

“So do you live close by?” Surely I would have remembered seeing him around.

He shook his head, “No, I'm here on business. I've been kind of looking for a place to start over, and since I was already here, I thought I'd look around.” He held his hand out, “My name is Sam, by the way. Sam Winchester.” I took his hand, and I was unsurprised when his totally engulfed mine.

“Y/F/N Y/L/N. It’s nice to meet you.”

“Same.” He smiled again, and just as he opened his mouth to say something else, a muffled ring interrupted him. He quickly reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. After a quick glance, he looked at me apologetically, “I'm sorry, that's my brother. I gotta go meet him...family business stuff to work on. Maybe I'll see you around?”

I smiled at him, “Yea, that would be nice. See you later.”

He gave a small wave and started walking down the sidewalk in the opposite direction that I was going. Luckily, that wasn't the last time I saw Sam Winchester.

The second time I saw Sam Winchester I was at the library, coffee in hand as I flipped through pages upon pages of town history. I had just started at the local newspaper, and my first assignment was to put together a large series leading up to the town’s centennial celebration. Most people would have wondered what they had done to deserve such a fate, but I loved stuff like that. There was something about getting lost in old newspapers and books, scattered photographs that lay forgotten in people's attics, only remembered when you ask them if they have anything that would help you. I could sit all day at the library, curled up in one of the overstuffed chairs with a giant book. Most of my days consisted of that, actually.

I had been reading about The Great Flood of 1928 when I heard someone clear their throat. I looked up to see Sam looking at me, one corner of his mouth turned up in a smile. “Hey, Y/N.”

“Hi, Sam,” I said as I shifted into a more upright position. “How are you?”

He shrugged, “Pretty good. I think we’ll be here for a few more days.” He nodded towards my stack of books, “What are you researching?”

I glanced down at the book in my hand, “Currently, a catastrophic flood that destroyed most of the town in 1928. In general, just getting some information for a series I'm writing for the paper. The centennial is coming up. Although I have to say, there's less interesting and happy things than there are devastating natural disasters, murder, and general bad luck.” I closed my book and sat it on the table. “Why are you here?”

“Well, I needed to do some research of my own. The librarian told me you might have a book I need. It's actually a collection of property deeds and stuff.”

I raised an eyebrow, “That sounds…”

“Boring,” Sam laughed. “It is. Which is why I'm here and not my brother.” He sat the books he'd already claimed down, “Mind if I join you?”

I shook my head as I handed him the book he was looking for, “Not at all. I can't promise that I'll be exciting company, though,”

He laughed, “At least we can be boring together.”

And so we sat, the next three hours consumed with what was supposed to be serious research but had quickly turned into us laughing about some of the more ridiculous things that had happened in town.

Sam sat back with a laugh, and I couldn't help but stare at the deep dimples that formed when he allowed himself to truly smile. “Wow, it's been awhile since I laughed that much. That was nice.” He pulled his phone from his pocket and his smile quickly disappeared, “But it looks like it's time for me to head out.” He stood and shouldered his coat on, “Hopefully I'll get to see you before we leave.”

I smiled, “I would enjoy that. See you around.” Sam smiled and strode quickly out of the library. I looked down to find that he'd left the book he'd asked for open, and I pulled it around to look at the page he'd marked.

The deed was for the old abandoned house with the giant maple in the yard.

The last time I saw Sam Winchester is a little blurry. It's kind of a long story, and honestly I'm not even sure that I have all the details. I remember seeing the deed for the old house. Curiosity got the better of me and I did the one thing that I'm surprised I hadn't done before but realize now should never have; I googled the address of the Victorian house with the town’s oldest maple tree.

I vaguely recall reading what had to have been one of the more disturbing stories of our town that I had soundly decided not to include in our centennial write up. But even after I sat down to read something else, determined to not focus on the vicious quadruple murder/suicide that had occurred in the house, my mind kept returning to it.

Which had led me to my next question; why was Sam so interested in that house? And what family business was he doing that he needed the deed information? Nothing was adding up, and I was beginning to wonder what that handsome stranger was up to.

I remember leaving the library, bag in tow and determined to figure out what was going on. I had stopped at the end of the sidewalk before taking a big breath and striding up the cracked concrete like I owned the place.

And that's when things get a little fuzzy. All I can really remember is that I saw something that shouldn't have been real. That moment of pause, the shock of seeing a man that was long dead standing directly in front of me, nearly cost me my life. What I do remember is Sam appearing out of nowhere, quickly followed by a shorter man with bright eyes that I guessed was his brother, and a loud shotgun blast.

Then I was outside, my back against the maple tree and a large, rough hand cradled against my face.

“Y/N...hey, are you alright?” Any other time, opening my eyes to that handsome face would have been welcome. As it was, I could barely remember where I was, much less who was in front of me.

“I...yea...I think so...what happened?”

Sam breathed a sigh of relief, “It’s a long story.”

I shifted my weight and groaned as my bruised ribs protested at the movement, “What exactly do you and your brother do, anyway?”

He chuckled, “That's also a long story.” He helped me stand up, and I grimaced again. “Are you sure you're okay?”

I nodded, “Aside from the fact that I just saw something impossible, and said impossible thing tried to kill me...I'm pretty sure I'm good. Ask me tomorrow.” He smiled sadly and my chest ached, “You won't be here, will you?”

He shook his head, “No, we uh...we have some other things to take care of.” I stared at him for a moment and tried to memorize the way his hair fell in his face, the little mole on his chin, how his eyes seemed to change color. There were too many details, and I knew it would be impossible to do him justice in my spotty memory. So instead, I put my arms around his waist and pressed my ear to his chest and listened to the strong, steady beat of his heart.

“It was nice to meet you, Sam Winchester.”

Sam didn't say anything, but he wrapped his arms around me and held me a little tighter.

It's been a year since I last saw Sam Winchester. A year since I saw him standing under that maple tree, its bright red and orange leaves falling around him as he looked at his phone, unaware of the dumbstruck girl staring at him.

It's been a year since I let curiosity win out over common sense and I discovered that there was far more to this world than I could have ever imagined, and that the gentle giant that I had laughed with over coffee was responsible for keeping it all in check.

Sam and Dean had driven me home and the ride there was mostly silent. Sam sat in the back with me, his long legs tucked in as well as he could, and I had curled tightly into his side. My ribs complained the entire ride, but I ignored them; I wasn't passing up what could be my last chance to be this close to Sam.

Sam walked me to my door and pulled me into one last hug, and it took everything I had not to beg him to at least stay the night. He'd started to walk away, but at the last minute, turned back and pulled me into him, his soft lips working against mine almost desperately before he pulled back, gave me a tight lipped smile, and walked to the car. The next morning I went to stick my hand in my jacket pocket and found a piece of a napkin containing small, cramped handwriting. There was a number, and under that a single word - 'Sam'.

We had texted quite a bit for awhile; what he and Dean were up to, plans to get coffee when they finally made it back into town to visit, the most recent book we'd read. I knew that with their lifestyle, it would probably be awhile before I got to see Sam again, but I held on to hope. Then, finally, the messages stopped.

I'd like to think that he's okay, that he's saving people from the monsters that linger in the shadows, but I often worry that something happened. I think I'd feel it, though. For that much good to leave the world, I'm sure my heart would know.

I've kept the same routine this whole year. I walk the same path, go to the same job, live in the same apartment. And every day, I walk past the old Victorian, the maple looming over it with its canopy of fiery leaves. I’d always looked towards the house, only now I do so in hopes that I'll see a man, dressed like fall, and smiling. When I don't see him there, I like to imagine that he's off saving the world with his brother, one monster at a time.

That is, until today.

Because today, I walked the same path down the same road, crossed at the same corner, and just like I did exactly one year ago, I looked up at the house and the maple. Under its falling leaves, standing just where he was the first time I saw him, was Sam. Only this time, he wasn't looking down at his phone; this time he was looking straight at me. He was a bit thinner than he was back then, and he'd cut his hair a little different, but the smile was the same. I stopped a few feet away, afraid that if I blinked he'd disappear.

“Sorry I'm late,” he said softly, “things got a little...crazy.”

I nodded, “Long story?”

Sam chuckled, “Yea, you could say that.”

I walked over and wrapped my arms around his waist, my ear to his chest, and sighed happily. I never realized how relieved I would feel to hear someone’s heartbeat. “You know what, I have all day.”

Like what you see? Would you like to read more? Check out my Master List here!

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[heartsoftruth]

lol this person who is supposed to predict the future in Brasil 😂 As this person could predict a year in advance what would happen at the World Cup, who will be injured and the results, it's bullshit! As it was so simple lol if these stupidities were true we will not even make a world cup at all. Only God knows, people should not take seriously what these "clairvoyants" say. And about Brumar returns and the birth of a little girl lmaaaaao I prefer to shut up because it becomes ridiculous 😂

Can he predict my new years lottery ticket too please? haha. Starting 2018 as a millionaire would be niceeeee haha. 

Indeed ridiculous. I’m glad the Brazilian comments also agree with that under the Insta pics. 

Anonymous said:People say you should learn from your past mistakes but that’s most definitely not the case with brumar, i’ve given up wishing they would end once and for all. They have this silly idea that they’re destined to be together and ‘never ending love’ blah blah blah. I think that’s why they’re unwilling (Ney especially) to try something serious with other people.

Might be unwilling or difficult to find someone. Bruna can find someone in her work or during business things, but for Ney it’s a lot more isolated. 

I think he needs to be set up with someone by a friend or something. 

Anonymous said:* okay i saw the video where leo calls him son of a bitch* 😂😂😂 too funny i cant this makes leo so normal and down to earth hahahah

HAHAHA, Its hilarious right? And I’ve been going through My mateo tag and now I’m analyzing the pics and vids etc and I can see how he can be a handful haha. But he’s just such a cute kid! Seriously every time I reblogged a photo of him I said: SO CUTEEEEE hahaha. 

Anonymous said:A_May be Ney was the one who talked expected more from her and she rejected .. what do u think ,b) do you think they spent the night together I mean they made love?

A; nope dont think so. B: not love. Just raw SEX! 

Anonymous said:Ugh Ronaldo broke the record of scoring in Every Game in the Group Stage, the record Neymar Supposed to break yesterday but failed to do so 😑

annoyinggggg indeed .😑😑😑

Anonymous said:I spent an hour going through Instagram and blocking every single brumar account because I’m sooooo fucking tired of that relationship. And honestly if they ever do have a child together, that’s going to be a fucked up situation for the child because they are always off and on. A child needs a loving and stable family. Not childish parents that can’t stay together for 1 year without breaking up 25163748 times. They need to move the fuck on.

hahah, aaawhh. It’s clear my anon: you have had it with Brumar! Cant blame you tho: sameee. That child part is just some psychic saying it Im not even gonna be bothered about that for now. but indeed suability is so important for a child. 

[daveywankenobie]

  I’ve rather enjoyed this week – and as well as my walk to Balsall Common and trip to Oxford on I treated myself to a first showing of Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 at 12.01am yesterday.

In retrospect, this ridiculously late showing (I got home at 3am) was probably a teensy bit past my bedtime – however despite feeling like death for the rest of Friday and zonking out at 7pm in the evening it was sooooo worth it!!!

If you haven’t yet seen it then I highly recommend it – but make sure you watch the first part beforehand (if you haven’t already). Both are riotously funny – but a lot of the jokes in the second one will mean just that little bit more if you know the characters from their last outing.

By the time I reached the showing I was also struggling to lift my arms – or sit up straight, as for an hour or so earlier on Thursday evening I’d been on the floor of my living room trying to do sit-ups and push ups.

Being absolutely and completely honest I can currently do neither – and a full sit-up or press-up is a long way away.

I can do 20 odd abdominal crunches with my feet tucked under the sofa and also 20 leg scissors. I can do about three reps of these at the currently.

I can also do 20 or so half press-ups (with knees on the floor) or one half of a full one. Of these I can do about two and a half reps.

This exercise however pretty much ended me and my arms were so screwed I decided to just drag a cushion onto the floor where I was beached and talk to Alexa lying in the dark while I recovered.

I found that “Alexa – make me laugh’ (when repeated over and over to my Alexa dot) results in an endless stream of crappy Christmas cracker jokes that left me tittering like a child on the carpet for the best part of 45 minutes – and for a while I was pretty content.

However I had to push it too far. When I realised that my free trial of Amazon Prime also gave me access to some ‘prime music’ I requested she play some tunes. Alexa (clearly recognising the need for an incentive to get me off my back) immediately started playing the Steps Greatest Hits album…

Thankfully this cruel and unusual punishment eventually propelled me upwards and off the carpet, clutching my aching tummy muscles.

Regardless of my current upper body ability though I’m not bothered in the least. Everyone has to start somewhere.

I’ve decided today however to get some adjustable weights tomorrow to work on my arms a bit without my full weight as I’m unbelievably crampy today and I think jumping in trying to do loads of press ups may be a bit silly. Instead I need to start small and build it up like I did with my walking. There’s no rush as long as it’s all going in the right direction.

Talking of moving in the right direction…

I’m gonna come right out and say this. I didn’t expect to lose any weight this week.

I’m sure people will roll their eyes and say ‘you always say that’ – but I genuinely didn’t. I’ve been very careful over the last few days because I definitely went waaaay over my syns last weekend, and I’ve walked maybe a bit less this week compared to the week before.

However – something unusual must have happened (maybe I’ve been abducted by skinny fat harvesting aliens without my knowledge) because the scales reported a 7lb weight loss when I stepped on them today.

VERY unexpectedly (particularly after two back to back weeks with negative progress prior to last Saturday) this means I’ve somehow removed almost a stone in the last two weeks and now have my thirteen and a half stone certificate!!!

I honestly couldn’t be happier with this – although I have to be realistic. This is a lot and I don’t know quite why it’s been so much after effectively standing still for a while.

Granted I must have been good – but even so it seems excessive. However – I’m also pretty certain that this isn’t going to carry on week after week and while Im still going to try really hard in the coming week (as I do every week) I’m still going to be happy with a much smaller loss or a maintain next week.

It’s a fun little exercise though to look at my progress occasionally in the form of a graph on the Slimming World site.

Although I’m not 100% sure where I will end up or eventually feel comfortable I’ve set my target to 15st. This is now a mind boggling six stone away. When I get there (and I will) I’ll have lost almost 20st.

I don’t want to set myself any time specific goals on this (and I would prefer other people who know me didn’t either). I just want to get there. 

Anyway internet. I have a really healthy beef stew that is just BEGGING to be eaten, and I plan to indulge its enthusiastic pleading RIGHT NOW!!!

Hope you’re all enjoying your bank holiday weekend (if you’re in the UK!)

Davey

Thirteen and a half stone later… I've rather enjoyed this week - and as well as my walk to Balsall Common and…

[iamprish1-blog]

I have always felt defeated in life, lost not knowing my ‘purpose’ or meaning in life, I think this once abandoned space can prove it all. However, since the past weekend, I think a huge part of me has changed, something I can’t put into words has happened in me. 

It was last Friday 23rd of June 2017, when i came home around 12 or 1pm and I saw she posted on instagram that her dad had passed away, i was shocked and found it hard to believe, just a day before that she was thankful for the miracle her dad almost missed death. but that day I was so sad that i cried loool....i cried because i realised a few things, 1: my crush for her was really foolish it was a meaning that is meaningless because there’s nothing i could do to comfort her or anything.. i do not know her, 2: from the text message she shared on instagram i could tell god has taken away a great man/father and its so so so unfair and she really had such a great blessing to have had a father like that! she always said that her family is estranged but she doesnt know its not at all... maybe they didnt always agree with each other but it was still a very beautiful family  3: there’s nothing i could do...and i really wished that i could exchange my life for her dad’s...because at this point in my life i dont have anything thats precious to me and i dont have anything i look forward to...besides my petty dream of buying 1 or 2 audi with cold hard cash...which got me thinking if it were anyone else would i wanna do this obviously nope i wouldnt...and this thought really scared me that why on earth would i have thoughts like this???? then i remember i think i used to say like i would exchange a few years of my life for love LOLOLOL WTF like seriously i just wanna punch myself in the face/body/anywhere i totally regret saying something like that...and im not sure if i would regret saying this...honestly i wouldnt even exchange my life for my parents’ and thats for sure but zac maybe yeaaa

actually last week i deactivated the fb account which i created just to stalk her, but somehow after the news i reactivated it cause i wanna know if she shares any stories on fb...but who knew that the next day she posted for the funeral service...and till today im still curious why she shares her fb posts for everyone to see...she shouldve at least only share the details to her fb friends cause she wouldnt want to message everyone about it...but maybe i should be grateful for that cause obviously i went for all 3 days ! at first i only i wanted to attend on monday...cause its weird for me to even be there like why on earth should i go!! but of course knowing me i have always been sooo sooo sooo so obsess with her... i just went i mean like i dont even know why i went because i wouldnt do something like this at all what more to attend your crush’s father’s funeral?????!!!!!! its so ridiculous i didnt even go to saint’s open house when i was actually invited twice.....and now i attended to someone’s dad funeral when I have NEVER MET THEM OR KNOW THEM AT ALLL?????????? oh yeaa and i actually unfollowed her on insta but then re-followed her again cause i was so afraid she would make her page private and i wouldnt know anything that fear was seriously real lol

it might sound totally ludicrous but i actually felt like there’s some sort of ‘force’ or what that made me go there...i didnt hesitate much not as much as i thought...i was only worried that she might see me and then that would annoy or anger her....however, maybe at first i gave the excuse that i can finally see her...but then it felt more like i just want to be there...i just wanted to be there i dont even know why...the first night i went i was late to appear right at the parlour, so i missed her eulogy, but i was glad cause i could give myself the excuse to come again...the first moment i saw her i felt a sense of relief i think, nothing like anything too much of emotions, but once i was there i just wanted to be there even more....just awhile after i was standing right outside the corner window i saw just waving at first i thought she was like waving at me or what lol cause she was looking at my direction, i couldnt see well cause the windows were tinted and kinda blurry...but then i thought oh she must be waving at someone from the crowd cause she doesnt even know me lol...and then i left early once people starting to queue to pay respect to her dad, i wanted to stay longer but there’re toooo many people soon the sight of her was buried in the crowd...so i left cause i saw her friend and i panicked a bit...the funny thing must be...when i arrived quite early for malaysian timing i stood in between juncture in front....i made myself looked like i was attending the one on the right and kept my head down sticking my eyeballs to my phone...then like around 830 i was like i gotta do something...so i just tried walking towards the right i wanted to see whats behind....thank god i walked till behind and found their room...there’re so many people standing outside but once i heard someone talking i just couldnt care much and stood right infront of the window...then i saw her with her sisters...and of course all the people outside must be think im so weird cause now they know im here for the same person lol i was quite embarrassed for that....but then the next day while waiting at the airport for boboy to arrive....its sooo long i was thinking sooooo much i wondered hmmm why did she only wave to the person at that time wouldnt she see them earlier already??? haizzzzz i was just tooo confused

the second night i went and i was shocked to see when i arrived that there’re no people standing outside...but this time i didnt take the back road...and when she was presenting her eulogy i stood in front of the door only cause theres where i could hear clearer from the outside, i couldnt hear everything she said tho...just she mentioned about now her definition of sadness is different and she almost almost burst out crying and after that i heard something like ‘you know.... someone to walk us down the aisle’....when she finished i asked the worker to help me give the money cause i didnt want to go inside cause i know i shouldnt even be there...but when i walked towards the window where i was standing the previous night...i think i saw her head turning towards where i was going....she must have felt confused like whats happening and of course i think by then she must be wondering who the hell is this person! and so i gave the money with my nickname zenn....cause i thought it would seriously wayyyyy toooo stupid and moronic if i used a fake name like seriously i just couldnt lol... and then when i was standing there i think she was looking at me cause her head was like at my direction but just didnt know if her eyes were on me or what....and then i did something seriously dumb i thought that for her to not see me i could just hide my face behind all the photos hanging there...but then it only laterrrr i realised that from HER PERSPECTIVE she would still see me cause ughhhh like seriously cant believe im SOOOOOO DUMBBBB!!!! ohh and then at one point when her sister walked behind to take something or what she followed behind too....so means i could have see her standing right in front of me but then i turned around cause like of course i was afraid she would like know which now i realise its all soooooo stupid cause i mean like seriously its sooooo bloody obvious i was looking at her the whole time...but then im not sure if she knew who i am.....when people were like paying respect to them i was standing on the other side of the window means i was standing behind them, and then suddenly i think i saw her friend looking at my direction cause i was like the only weirdo standing outside looking inside! but then actually i still cant be too sure cause i was standing quite a distance and i couldnt see well through the blurry window and then i got panicked more and ran away lolol....but i was glad that there’re a lot of people giving them comfort SO MANY HUGS LOL! sometimes i wish i could hug her lolololollll

on monday it was the funeral service in the morning, and i think the timing was right from the beginning cause papa was already planning not to go to site on monday, so i had no reasons not to go....and again i just felt like i gotta be there...and this time i went inside and sat at the last row which then after that i saw the guy i was sitting next to was actually her friend lol cause he hugged her...and then he was with her other friends....and then i was like damnit! damn i miss one thing....her family went to calvary church...i think i heard that since the first night but didnt bother so much....but then on the second night when a pastor was like giving his short speech....i had my head on the ground cause you know standing for so long is back breaking and tiring plus i have working so hard at the site :( but then suddenly a familiar voice had my head raised up....i looked through the blurry window and thought is that the very very very very fussy pastor????? ok so i just googled yep the pastor should be pastor richard that one i know...but im not sure if the one there was the same....however its on monday pastor steven that really made me think was i really meant to just be there? cause again most of the time my head wasnt looking straight up except when her sister was singing and damn her voice is greattttttt i dont think any chinese can sing sooooo well!!!! even betterrrr than jacklyn victor or something lol! too bad she isnt a singer....but then again too bad im not a film star when im so funny i could be the chinese gianna jun lolol HA HA HA HA HA AHA HA AHA AHAHAHA ok pls prisha! right....the pastor his voice was so so so familiar and comforting like i just heard it yesterday not like literally but like just recently, which is weird cause its been yearss since i last attended to calvary and thats before they moved, plus have i even been there more than 50 times??? lol! idk but now i really want to hear his voice again cause its like reassuring...and im not sure if i could remember voices or its just that pastors’ voice is more anointing to the ears.....and also there’s another pastor who share the story her dad made him a charger thing....its really weird cause i never expected to remember pastors faces cause theyre all like old men right all look almost the same....but then i know i will never hear pastor steven’s voice again cause i will not go to such a huge convention center it just doesnt feel like a church thats so commercialised....tho dumc hall kinda big too...but then i now realise i really prefer their voices more than the pastors in dumc lolol i think im weirder than the person who married eiffel tower lel

anyways when i was sitting down i turned behind and saw some of the pictures there, i knew i could easily walked up and take a closer look at all the pictures, but i didnt cause i know i didnt have the rights or deserve to do that, just like how i wish i could have the chance to see her dad but i couldnt, there’s no reason for me to. i wonder if anyone believes that true love can actually transcends space...no doubt i could feel the unconditional love he had in him...i mean i didnt need to listen to all the testimony to know like seriously his face showed it all ! ! ! one thing for sure i definitely felt inspire that i would like to dedicate all my faithful love to someone...i dont know who it will be or what will actually happen in my future....but i know i will wait patiently for the person to show up....it makes me wonder if she actually has TOOOO much love in her that she sorta a player tho HA HA AHAA....ok jokes i shouldnt tease people when their loved one just passed away....but i know even if i have way tooo much in me i would still only give it to one person, there will always be room for only one in my heart....maybe its also why now i just feel like shutting myself out from the world....i dont even feel like talking to shalinn i mean i wanted to at least remain some kind of acquaintance and go to their final studio presentation....but now i really cant....i dont know how to process what im feeling is too weird i need time to forget this i need time for my prayers to come true then only can i open my heart.....meanwhile i will do whatever i was planning to do slowly and hopefully the day i stopped stalking her will come soon.....truth is im kinda frustrated too...i dont get why is it that i felt like there’s some sort of i dont ‘spirit’ or whatever shit pushing me to go there....but god doesnt even bother to tell me WHAT I SHOULD DO NEXT WITH MY LIFE!! i just want the feeling whereby it just flow and its smooth and everything feels right....because i didnt have anxiety at all when i was there, just nervous cause first time going to a place where no stranger would ever go is seriously something lel! and maybe a bit of panic and trying to run away trying to hide which all didnt work didnt make sense lolol...like when after her dad casket were inside to be cremated...her friends were like walking out and coming towards my way, i panicked that i was like damnit now i gotta go for real...but then i was so nervous i missed the entrance just on my left then walked a round and then got shocked confused why the hell i came back to the same place....and seriously at that moment i thought i was gonna faint cause the weather was bloody scorching hot and i had a cap on and i didnt eat breakfast and i was confused like where the hell is the exit??????? but then i ha d the chance to stay longer like to look at her lololol like seriously damn stupid...till the end i finally leave when more people were leaving

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