#im meant to be writing an essay lol

[celestial--sapphic]

god, i just know modern au evelyn would SHRIEK the chorus to pink pony club

[buddhistanchovies]

I just read the most fucked up thing ever but vague morbid curiosity is fuelling me so I can’t stop

[pulchrasilva]

I am clearly much more insane about ursula le guin than either I or anyone else bargained for

[burning-thistles-bt]

thinking about Grasswhisker and Spottedleaf's relationship in Reflamed.... oh the self-victim blaming and the realizations and the horror

[foxmulderautism]

my very strong philosophy that i need to perceive my characters as real people in order to feel like i can write them at the depth a novel needs + i try to see expand my view of them as far as possible so they have a life an existence that a novel only snapshots a part of + this being a big part of my writers identity bc my relationship with my characters is very important to me is still very real but also very funny now because i've realised when it comes to short fiction i do not give a fuck like that. like i put everything into my characters bc i think making complex characters/relationships is my best skill but they are nothing but names to me (and i barely name my protagonists cause i just dont give a fuck if its not needed) and shadows reflecting an idea i thought was cool. like the way with novels i'll say felix and beau and dorothy are my best friends and they've just granted me access to their stories and i can't imagine how i'd go through life without thinking about them and their lives...then with short fiction the characters are just dolls that i throw out once i'm done with them

[spookberry]

Spectra's response to people asking her for advice: lol sucks to be you, could not be me

Spectra having to write an essay about her heritage: im gonna make up a story about how i used to be royalty just cuz

Spectra sees a stack of papers in Bloodgoods office: obviously she meant for me to be able to read them why else would they be left on her desk in her locked office like this?

Spectra always in her head calling people names and being prejudiced towards zombies

[thatshappinessforme]

When We Are Together - Pt. 1 (?)

omg...hi. i'm really here rn. posting this. at nearly 4 am on a monday morning. im nervous. i could vomit. so...this has been in my head for forever. literally. the idea is massive. it extends so far. it's seriously a whole universe in my little brain. it took so long to get the basis of this all out on paper, but, i'm hoping this is a series...a long one. the title isn't going to make much sense right now, but i pinky swear we'll get there eventually. so...without further ado...here she is...(EEK!) (also i have no idea how to set this post up so bear with me lol)

so i guess i just lost my fanfic writing vcard💌

_____________________________________________

word count: 2.4k

cw: just a little swearing, maybe a bit of bad writing, also maybe typos?? might be a little boring because it’s mostly to just like set the scene idk? (eventually the plan is to have a lil smut or smth but this really is just an intro lol)

_____________________________________________

The day starts as usual. You wake up to the sound of your alarm and your roommate’s hair dryer blaring through the thin walls of your Brooklyn walk-up. With a groan, you peel yourself out of the warmth of your bed, go to your desk, and open your laptop, holding onto a shred of delusional hope that one of your classes might be canceled for today; they rarely are…but you can’t blame a girl for being an optimist. 

You scroll through your inbox, refreshing, and refreshing – you really don’t want to go to class today. Blame the essay you’d procrastinated that you’d spent all of last night speed-writing. Blame senioritis. Blame the unpaid music publicity internship that you’d been letting eat up your time in hopes of scoring a good job. Blame the frigid snow and ice that seem to be taunting you from outside your window. But, luckily it’s a Friday.

You refresh your inbox one last time, just for good measure. And, something actually comes in. But, it’s not from one of your professors. It’s from some company named “Dirty Hit.”

You raise an eyebrow and open the email, thinking it must be something related to one of the countless jobs you’ve applied for in the last few weeks, preparing for graduation at the end of the semester.

Y/N,

I’m a representative with one of our bands here at Dirty Hit. We’re really impressed with your work and have an opportunity we’d love to discuss with you, if you have a free moment this week at some point. Are you based out of New York? Get back to us when you can. We’re looking forward to hearing from you.

Best,

The Dirty Hit Team

“That’s weird,” you whisper to yourself, reading the short, ominous email over and over again. It’s not everyday that a label reaches out to a random college student to work with them. You’re not really sure what they could possibly be impressed with. You’ve just done minor PR internship work with underground bands from the east coast – that’s not exactly impressive. It sure as hell doesn’t warrant an email.

“Y/N?,” you hear one of your roommates and best friend, Vivian, call from outside your door before walking in, not bothering to knock. The two of you are close, almost like sisters at this point. In some ways, you’re exactly the same person, but in others your polar opposites. She’s a little bit more outgoing than you are, but she always helps to get you out of your shell. “Do you think I can get this guy I’m talking to into the venue tomorrow night? It’s just at The Soundwave, right?,” she asks, plopping down on the corner of your bed. 

Shit. You completely forgot you signed up for an open mic tonight. You’d been playing your songs at small bars in Brooklyn and Manhattan for the past year or so. Songwriting had always been a bit of a hobby for you. So when you’re a broke college student in one of the most expensive cities in the world, you just find tricks to get you and your friends to do fun things for free. You’d learned a while back that performing at open mics usually meant you and your friends could get into bars and clubs without having to pay a cover, so you’d been spending your weekends doing that for a while. It’s all for fun. Sure, you like performing and put a lot into your songwriting, but pursuing it isn’t even quite a dream for you. You have an impending college degree you’ve worked your ass off for. In every sense of the word, music was a hobby for you. 

“Yeah, it shouldn’t be a problem. He might have to pay the cover, but it’s not like it’s the sort of thing where people buy tickets. You know the drill. But, obviously you’re my plus one, so no cover for you,” you nod, still staring at your laptop screen.

“What are you staring at, over there? Everything okay?,” she asks, getting up and moving to stand over your shoulder at your desk. You move your head a little so she can get a good look at the words on your screen. You watch her face as she reads the email, her lips dancing on each of the syllables as you watch her process it. “Dirty Hit? What the hell is that? Sounds like a porn company. Impressed with your work? Do you have a booming, secret OnlyFans I’m unaware of?,” she jokes. 

I laugh and playfully nudge her arm. “No, no,” you giggle, “It’s a record label, I think. I’ve heard the name thrown around a few times at my internship. I think they’re kinda big.” You tab over and do a quick Google search. Immediately, a sea of popular artists and bands pop up under the label.

“Holy shit. Beabadoobee? Bleachers? The 19 fucking 75? I have their fuckin’ poster on my wall. They’re cool as shit,” she reads over your shoulder. “I mean, I have no idea what they could possibly want from me. My resumè isn’t all that impressive. Sure, I’m planning on going into music PR, but there’s no reason why I would stand out against someone who has like…an actual career under their belt,” you ramble, trying to make sense of the 67 words in haunting your inbox. 

There’s a long pause, both of you trying aimlessly to make sense of the email. “Well, you’re gonna email them back, right?,” she eventually asks. You take breath, starting a reply to the email, leaving your cell phone number.

You try to focus on anything other than waiting for a reply. You do your best not to let your mind wander into the what-ifs, but as soon as you get done with your lectures for the day, you check your phone for any response.

Y/N,

Thanks for getting back to us so quickly. The band and management is also in New York for the next few months for a project. We would give you more information over email, but much of the matter is highly confidential. We have a studio space at Electric Lady in Greenwich Village that we could meet at, if that works for you. I know it is rather short notice, but could you meet this evening at some point? Let us know.

Best,

The Dirty Hit Team

You quickly reply to the email on your walk back from campus, confirming the meeting for later this evening. You get back to your apartment and practically tear apart your closet trying to figure out what the hell to wear. You know it’s a business meeting, but it’s also for some mystery band. You don’t want to dress unprofessionally, but you also don’t want to seem uptight. You decide on a black mini skirt with tights and a chunky black turtleneck sweater. You finish primping and step into Vivian’s room, practically out of breath from all the outfits you’ve tried on and scrapped.

“Okay, if you were a band looking for…a PR representative…? Would you hire me?,” you ask her, standing in front of her bed as she looks up from her phone. She looks you up and down and grins, “Of course I would, Y/N. You look great,” she reassures you, sensing you’re anxious, “So, you really think this is just a PR gig?”

“I mean, yeah. What else could it possibly be? It couldn’t be my music. I’m not even on any streaming platforms; I don’t promote it at all,” you say with certainty. She shrugs and smiles, before wishing you the best of luck as you head out the door.

You get on the subway and head to Electric Lady. The train has always been one of your favorite parts about living in New York for college. Putting your pink headphones on, looking out the window into the catacombs that stretch throughout the city, people watching. It’s where you did your best thinking. 

You get off the train and walk through the streets, your headphones on and your music blasting, only interrupted occasionally by Google Maps telling you where to turn and such. Eventually the robotic voice in your ear says “Arrived” and you look over your right shoulder…here it is. You're right on time. You go to open the doors, pushing on them gently; must still be locked. You sigh, assuming that its to be expected. That this is simply upholding a prophecy of some sort that the band and music-industry-folk run behind…until you hear a laugh.

“It’s a pull,” you hear a man’s voice call out with a slight chuckle. From just those three words, you’ve determined that he has one of the thickest English accents you’d ever heard. You look over your left shoulder and see a man leaning up against the wall of the studio smoking a cigarette. “What?,” you ask, confused as you look over to him. He has a hood on and you can’t make out his face, or what he was trying to tell you. “The doors. It says right on them. ‘PULL,’” he chuckles, tossing his cigarette to the ground and putting it out with his Adidas sneaker, walking over to you. “Oh, um, thanks, I’m an idiot. I almost gave up,” you chuckle, pulling the door open this time. The man follows you into the studio, holding the door open once you tug on it. You look back over your shoulder to thank him for holding the door, the first time he’s been close enough for you to make out his face; Christ, it’s Matty Healy.

“I know who you are,” he says to you with a cheeky grin as he starts walking into the back of the studio. You just stand there near the doorway, the gust of cigarette-scented, cold January air lingering around you. You’re perplexed, to say the least. He keeps walking down the hall before finally turning over his shoulder, “You’re just gonna stand there? You have a meeting. Wouldn’t be very professional of you to stand us up,” he teases dryly. You blink a few times before nodding, following him, still in a bit of disbelief that this was the band that had some sort of ‘interest’ in you.

He shows you into a studio in the back. Once he opens the door, there are four other men sitting there, three that you also recognize from your roommate’s wall. The other, a bit older, more professional looking. 

“Y/N! I’m Jamie, I manage these blokes. Thank you so much for agreeing to come meet with us today. I know everything was rather vague on the emails, but…we had to keep it that way. But, now that you’re here, let's talk, yeah? Are you familiar with The 1975?,” the older man asks you, in a super friendly manner as you sit down on a plush chair in the corner of the room. Every eye in the room is glued to you. The air is almost sticky with anticipation. You take a deep breath and try to slap on the most composed, thoughtful, professional smile you can manage.

“Um, yes! Of course,” you nod, tucking a stray strand of your hair behind your ear, “I’m actually a fan of you all. Really, I listen to your stuff with my friends – you’re fantastic.”

“Good, good. We’re glad to hear it,” he grins, looking around at the boys who also all look to be pleased. Even though everyone’s eyes are on you, you feel Matty's specifically, practically burning a hole in the side of your head as he stands, still leaning in the doorway.

“We’re impressed with you, Y/N. So, I’m just going to get on with it. George went to a little bar in Bushwick last month and sent us a video he took of you singing one of your originals…you’re bloody fantastic. We’re going on tour this summer. We want to do something a little different this time with our opener. We want to build someone from the ground up. You’re it. We want you. What do you say? You interested?,” he explains with a wide grin, his tone casual like he didn’t just tell you the craziest shit you’ve ever heard. 

Jamie’s words hit you in slow motion. You look around the room, the air moving from feeling sticky to feeling ice cold, jolting you awake. “I’m sorry…what the actual fuck did you just say?,” you blurt out blankly, any ounce of composure you may have had completely gone. 

You immediately catch yourself, your language, your lack of professionalism, though, “Oh my god, I’m sorry. I…that just came out of my mouth…I-,” your face goes bright red as you desperately try to correct yourself.

The room erupts in laughter, the men you recognize from Viv’s poster nearly barreling over off the sofa. Jamie’s jaw on the floor as he howls, slapping the table in front of him. You look over your shoulder to see that Matty’s still in the doorway, and he’s just standing there with his arms crossed, shaking his head at you with a shit-eating grin.

“Oh, I think we’re gonna get along quite well with this one,” he remarks, licking his lips, weirdly impressed with your mispeakings.

You can’t help but sigh softly and shake your own head when he looks at you like that; something in you shifting as if he’s the only person in the room; as if he was the only person who'd ever laid eyes on you; as if he was the only person ever. As if, the offer you got just moments before wasn’t the most absurd thing that had ever happened to you. As if you didn’t need to thoroughly think this all over. As if you could make the decision right now.

You look back over to Jamie, who’s still chuckling. Before you can give yourself the time to overthink, you swing one of your legs over the other, lean back into the chair and smirk, “Jamie, where the hell do I sign?” 

…and this is how it starts.

[blu3ha1redbrat]

I started a new WIP and every time i do this i try to take a different approach and something that is really helping me right now is actually something that my teachers did for me in school:

I've been to two schools my entire life (im still in high school lol) and in both schools they made it a point to make sure literacy skills and reading was important, so that meant we read a lot of books throughout the school year and something that they always did before we started reading those books was giving us driving questions that we'd write a sort of opinion-evidence based essay on at the end.

And that brings me to my point, if anyone is struggling with finding theme or the message of a story ask yourself what you want your readers to question at the end of the story you are trying to tell, and then give them the answers to those questions through characters and their actions.

Personally, the questions Im proposing to my readers is broad in the sense that it is completely dependent on the readers own morals and views.

So yeah! I know no one asked but that is something that is really helping me not only find theme but figure out the plot, world building and most importantly characters and their arcs :)

[nerves-nebula]

rambling about intrusive thoughts. under the cut cuz this got long

speaking of which, i've always found it a bit hard to describe what its like having intrusive thoughts because the definition is that you're upset by them or would rather not have them. but if you look into therapy it's kind of about accepting they exist and just moving on and I basically just did that on my own by figuring out my moral code and refusing to believe in thought crimes.

so like. sure i don't have these thoughts on purpose but at this point i don't really mind like 90% of them? like im not going to be very upset about the shit that flashes through my mind hundreds of times a day because most of it doesn't matter to me.

it reminds me of that post thats like, being in recovery/working on your issues can look like faking your issues to people who don't know better, because you arent performing how you are at your lowest.

I do not spiral about my more taboo intrusive thoughts. the violence the sexual shit the disgusting stuff is like whatever to me. I couldn't care less if i tried. its like if my brain says "you're a pedo" I'm like "L + ratio + you've been saying that since i was like 10 years old + who cares, I'm not a rapist so it literally doesn't matter either way + get off my dick" and at this point i basically just roll my eyes at the suggestion. like ok what are you catholic? shut uppppp.

the thoughts that REALLY get stuck and annoy me are the ones about, like, social issues. they can really bother me if I can't find a way to get them out of my head cuz i can't stop thinking about this thing that upset me like, morally. stuff that i wanna vent about but the subject matter is so complicated i'd have to write an essay and i'm so emotional that if i ever posted those essays it would NOT go well lmao. im thinking like that one email that character wrote in detransition baby but omg i can't talk about that book or we'd get so off track. it was good tho.

which is why the internet can be really bad for me sometimes lol. i keep seeing things that make me go "thats wrong/doesnt consider this perspective/stupid" and it goes round and round.

anyway this all got wayyy longer than i meant it to.

the POINT i was trying to make is that it gets strange trying to define intrusive thoughts if you're more or less dealing with them fine. cuz its like oh yeah i have all these thoughts that would scare a lot of people. but i dont care lol. do they distress me? no not usually. do i really mind having them? also no. at this point i don't care if i have them or not. does that mean they aren't intrusive anymore? i have no idea.

I can only assume they still are because they are ongoing and frequent and part of a bigger pattern and focused on taboo stuff that would upset the average person and all that jazz. but i am just not distressed by them at all (unless I am in a very bad place emotionally but that has to be VERY SPECIFIC and even then the usual intrusive sexual/violent thoughts I have do not bother me. it's gotta be the more niche shit to give me brain worms)

but all of that takes a long time to explain so i usually just say i have intrusive thoughts if it ever comes up.

[titsthedamnseason]

cobalt empire couples ranking by most anticipated???

also do you read any ce fics on ao3?

hmmmm interesting and super hard to say. weirdly eliot or beckett are maybe my most anticipated.

i LOVE eliot’s trope and this is the first TRUE forbidden love story we will see from kbr (they have sort of claimed to have done it in the past but i think this is the most authentically polarized couple they have done. like yes raisy and marrow were sort of forbidden and so were all the bodyguards technically but eliot and winnifred are straight up ENEMIES their families will be RAGING and the DRAMA i will be living for it)

and beckett i’m really excited for because i love him but we dont get to see that much of him in other books. he is super private and busy and of course we should have seen him way more in sulli’s books but i’ve already ranted enough about that for a lifetime. i also love his initial set up with BOTH jo and leo and am happy kbr are writing another poly romance. i simply wasn’t invested in kitsuletti but i ship beckettjoleo (i know they have a better ship name that im simply too tired to remember rn) way more off the bat and since i liked sulli’s books more on the reread im hopeful im going to have a better reading experience this time. poly rep is super important but also way oversexualized so im super curious to see how they handle it and how ill like it this time around

next is probably ben. you may know but i used to be a harriet HATER until my recent reread of luna’s books and then i realized im just a miserable human and i gave her a makeover in my head bc kbr gave her a fugly style and now i recognize the queen that she is. super excited to see ben’s dynamics with his family firsthand and see how him bringing a girlfriend into the fold will go down

begrudgingly i will put charlie next. we all know i have a love hate relationship with this man but i can’t deny that makes me want to read his book so maybe i finally decide one way or the other. or maybe im just meant to have complicated feelings about this character forever idk. but i also know ill enjoy reading charlie and beckett’s twin bond, his dynamic with his parents, his relationship with ben, and whatever drama him and roxanne will cause with beckett (this plot line is a little confusing to me tbh but i want to see how it unfolds. like high key why does beckett even care i feel like the protectiveness they are setting up is baseless and will fizzle out quickly but im curious regardless)

audrey next because MY GIRL!! she shouldn’t be this low but in fairness we don’t even know WHO she will be with so there’s not much to anticipate 😭 but it does make me strongly wonder who her love interest will be and i love when hopeless romantic characters get their happily ever after bc im cheesy like that

sorry to tom i have no idea why im not invested in the threads kbr have been laying out for him but hopefully that will change. adore him as a character but his trope / storyline hasn’t hooked me so far and tbh i think phoenix is a bad name i wish the love interest was called something different LMAO

sorry that you asked for a simple ranking and i wrote a full essay we all know i can’t be normal about kbr books but i numbered my ramblings for you to make it easier to read (and of course by “read,” i do mean “skip”)

and as for the fic - nooooo i didn’t even know such a thing existed tbh. the last time i checked for addicted / like us fics years ago out of pure curiosity there were like 3 lol. truthfully i likely will never read any. i never ever read fic for a series or couple that is unreleased because it almost always ruins the reading experience for me / i have very little desire to and would much prefer to wait for the real thing. with kbr books in particular i have never felt the need to seek out fanfic because they write so much fan service already (this is usually a diss but i mean it as purely a compliment. they write SUCH entertaining scenes that you could only find in fanfic for any other fandom) and since i have their patreon that is so much bonus content i would never dream of needing more. their stuff is already perfectly written and has such high reread value that ive never felt the need to look for something extra that i felt was lacking from my reading experience

[kerryweaverlesbian]

sometimes i think about the gadreel telling dean to kick cas out plotline and am filled with more rage than you can imagine. its NOT even that like. dean was mean to cas or anything im sure he gave cas money or something bc i cant see a world where he kicked cas out with nothing and he was pretty forthright about caring about cas during that sequence where cas wasn't allowed in the bunker.

but its SOOOO obvious the only reason cas didn't get to stay in the bunker was because of the hand of the author. they didnt wanna change the status quo of the show. im not even talking about destiel im talking about the fact that castiel being human, and potentially learning to enjoy being human with his best friends, would destroy the rest of the season's planned plotline for him. he would've just gone completely human and not wanted to be an angel anymore. this would've also meant he could've went on more hunts much earlier than he did in the actual show, and his dynamic with both brothers could've developed during the downtime between him being safe in the bunker and the rest of the season's plotline moving (bc lbr the season plotline doesn't pick up again until holy terror, and this isn't a bad thing its just very obvious)

(although i still stand by that if you wanted to actually successfully pull off the rest of the season you could just have him be kidnapped later, hear that ezekiel is dead, and then have him make the call to become an angel again in order to be able to escape and help dean. like the phonecall where dean is like "and you're okay with that?" re: cas being an angel again would've hit a lot harder bc dean would've been able to pick up on his enjoyment of some aspects of being human)

also the doylist reasoning behind not letting him spend time with cas is also to isolate dean so he starts working with crowley when the gadreel reveal happens.

also lets be fucking real the sexual tension between human cas and dean would've been off the charts they were like we cant fucking write that the fucking (heller comrade) traitors on our writing team WILL make it gay we CANT do that.

sorry for this essay im just. its one of the biggest wastes of potential in the show.

So true bestie. The hiatus between season 8-9 was my first in the fandom and we were all CERTAIN that Destiel was going to happen from how gay the last couple of episode were (THE CRYPT SCENE. THE ARROW IN THE BAR.) And then. Then. I mean like people were convinced every season hiatus but there was something in the air for that one. And that thing was destiel. So they stopped letting them hang out.

On the bright side, I enjoy how horrible the experience is for Dean having to lie to both Sam and Cas because I'm a sicko. And it's very funny. He was SO close to having everything he wants (Sam alive and well. Hell closed. Cas with them permanently.) And he can't have that because of one, shall we say, social faux pas. And every day someone is asking him with genuine kindness and love "but Dean, isn't happiness directly in your grasp? Don't you want to grasp it?" And he has to go. Through gritted teeth. "No. I like it like this. This is happiness for me. It's my choice."

It's cringe comedy, it's a comedy of errors, it's lies on lies on lies. It's funny! Especially since Sam just sort of decides to find Cas incredibly charming this season out of nowhere. Just to twist the knife that Dean has to make the problem. So, it might help to reframe it that way haha.

And also, 9.06 is GREAT FUN for me in particular. Ohhh we want to be together so bad but even if we say it nothing will change so we won't and we're both bitter about it but damn do I love you. Catnip for me. It has its problems but the NIP.

I do think that a more charitable part of the Doyalist explanation is a problem they run into very noticeably in s10, 11 and 12: they only have enough money designated for a certain number of guest star appearances. That's why he's "watching The Wire" so often lol. This is an assumption of mine but like. That's gotta be the reason. So they wanted something for Cas to be out there Doing when he's offscreen for long periods (and they were just like 'fuck it' in later seasons)

This is a tangent but I think it's so interesting how obvious in Supernatural it is that practical constraints affect the material plot. All monsters are guys in suits. Season 3 is cut short from the writers strike so Dean goes to Hell. Cas and Mary can't be in as many episodes that they obviously should be in so their character flaws are that they're flakey and often disappear. They couldn't get JDM for a season 3 episode of Dean's nightmare so they had Dean's biggest fear in fact be succumbing to his own self-hatered.

Anyway. In conclusion, season 9 sucks. I agree.

[frottinggg]

just saw the bad faith criticism of dungeon meshi screencap of lily orchards video and got so mad i wrote several pages arguing against it and i havent even seen the vid fully yet ermm at least im using my degree lol i might post it as a video essay i need to be the hater i was meant to be.... cant stand when things like Obvious Plot Points and Obvious Writing Choices fly over peoples heads

[stillwaterfm]

+ 1 wanted connection !

julian koenig  ( aaron taylor-johnson )  is  looking  for  their  twin sister . 

[ familial ] julian koenig  ( aaron taylor-johnson )  is  looking  for  their twin sister .  what  you  need  to  know  is  this  they  look  kind  of  like molly gordon,riley keough, victoria pedretti, zoey deutch, halston sage, pauline chalamet, billie lourd, jane levy, skyler samuels, any suitable jewish fc - the koenigs were wealthy folks but they never flaunted their wealth. it was just something they had you know? dad was big in the tech industry and mom was a former a-list actress in the 90s who retired to a quiet life of motherhood and starting her own wellness business a la gwyneth paltrow. they've been living in palo alto since the twins were born tho the parents got divorced during the twins’ junior year of high school (and dad was working in silicon valley so the kids stayed with dad). up to you if you want a dynamic where they're complete opposites in terms of personalities or similar in a "oh look theyre super in sync and are like the same person with the same interests and vibes" kind of way. i can see it going either way!! when they were younger julian was a gifted child. he was always in advanced classes and was partaking in all sorts of extracurriculars. he was def one of those "my parents said i was special" kids and he was v much smug abt it bc it was actually true?? anyway he was meant to go to stanford bc that was his dream school, they were living in palo alto so as a child it was p much ingrained in him that that was where he was meant to go, and he worked his whole life towards that goal, so imagine everyone's shock when he didn't get in. not bc he wasnt smart enough or that he wasn't champion in enough big brain things but he lacked smth that would make him stand out. in other words......he bombed his essay lol. just another cookie cutter smart kid. at the lack of options (bc no, he did not in fact apply to any other school) the only other school he could go to was the one in cypress, minnesota which only came up bc that was his mom's alma mater and she regularly donated so he had nepo baby privileges. julian's twin, regardless of whether she was accepted elsewhere or if she was gonna go to cypress anyway, came with julian bc where one goes, the other must follow. that was just their thing, thats what they were known for. i also imagine julian being a lot more insecure and faint of heart than his twin where the only thing he actually has any real confidence in is stuff that have to do with academics and being the Best in things that you could measure in numbers and a scoring system. he did try to change that in college, trying new things, forging new relationships. his best friend will always be his sister tho. one of the very good friends julian had was jamie novak but in julian's sophomore year, he and jamie had a huge fight that rendered them somewhat enemies? still deciding the reason at this time of writing but im also thinking it could have something to do with his sister as well? pls message me just in case there are any updates on this! anyway all that anxiety and the pressure of being Number One culminated in a very public coke-induced nervous breakdown on campus and julian ended up dropping out of school when he p much already had summa cum laude in the bag. went off the grid for 10 years, went to rehab a couple of times and was actually on his 4th stint when harper, who was one of, if not the only person apart from julian’s twin that he kept in touch with after college.  you do have to contact frankie at @gr0tesques .

[royjamieism]

okay after reading most of your posts about the tea i totally understand why chell and cecile sucked, but what did rowdy do? (genuinely asking, no shade - sorry if u already answered this and i missed it.) coming from a new-ish (former) tip member

EDIT: i have since reconnected w this member and want to clarify that this was my perception of things, the member said that she was severely depressed but not suicidal — i perceived some of her messages that way at the time and had been deeply worried by phrasing of her messages. i certainly didnt think that the mean-spiritedness of rowdy, cecile, and cardens friend group about her (which you can read below) would be helpful.

she requests that no one start any hate on her behalf!

—

since rowdy posted a huge bullshit essay denying that she tormented a suicidal person ill give you the deets here. please forgive that its a bit out of order i just woke up lmao

rowdy and carden and cecile and their stupid fucking friends tried to drive one of the members to suicide over our stupid sexy xmas fic event

tell me why rowdy howdyrowdypartner jumped on talking over and dismissing this specific suicidal member/author every time they talked in the vent channel about being severely depressed and not wanting to be a burden and being bad at writing and wanting to delete everything etc following this event.

why she cruelly criticised “whoever wrote all the anon fics” constantly for being “attention hungry” and “poor quality” whenever they came up, when she knew that author was struggling w immense guilt over it specifically because rowdy and her friends kept calling the anon fics thing an “attention hogging” “poor quality” gesture. tell me why rowdy and her friends doubled down when this member specifically said they felt horrible guilt for being an “attention whore” and “hurting people with her fic”

here is what the anon fics were: every single participant submitted kinks that they wanted to see fics for. this member asked for the list of all the kinks bc they wanted everyone to get an extra gift fic to wake up to because they knew its a difficult time of year for many people

these fics were uploaded every day and rowdy and her friends were pissed that the extra gift fic uploads meant that their fics spent less time at the top of the ao3 royjamie tag for exposure. both rowdy and carden explicitly complained about this numerous times KNOWING BEFORE ANY OF THEM WERE POSTED THAT THEY WERE BY THIS MEMBER bc someone leaked this members really sweet plan to them

rowdy and carden also started a secret server/group dm or whatever SPECIFICALLY to shit on this member for doing the sexy xmas gifts. it was not a fucking small group and it was Not lighthearted fun

even after the fics shouldve stopped being relevant, this suicidebaiting would continue with convos in private like:

member: i feel horrible. i am such a burden. i should just go away

cecile: yes! you should stop being a burden by leaving people alone!

(cecile would come in right at the tailend of the three of them together shitting on the sexy xmas gifts)

actually fucking sickening that rowdy would pretend not to know what im talking about lol. shes so good at pretending shes so sweet but shes one of the ugliest people ive ever ran into on the internet

AND THEN THAT STUPID BACHELORETTE PARTY TOO but thats less evil and more just really fucking stupid. but it was still evil that chell and cecile tried to force us to work on a party for someone who hated us

[forlix]

talking ab fallen star cos that fic consumed me when i first read it and consumed me again when i reread it earlier 🤚

firstly the way he kept his promise to bring mc to the airport it really broke me. it's so melancholic like there have been broken promises before but hyunjin wouldn't dare end their relationship on another one? you can still feel the love he has for t hemin the way he tiredly made his way to drive to their house and to the airport after he came back from his own long flight it honestly makes me insane.

i love how in the car there's this like faint and twisted idea of hope lingering between them. some part of them still longs for the other and it's right there they could just grab the very thing they yearn for but it's incomplete. it's not the same. honestly when mc mutters "idiot" it really made me think like are they calling hyunjin an idiot? or themselves an idiot? and ac i feel like they meant both of them are idiots for allowing themselves to end up in this awkward but necessary situation.

there are some unresolved feelings and unanswered questions while they sit in silence on the way to the airport, but the airport scene™️ gives them both the closure they need. they're not getting back together, no matter how much one might like, but the tension in the car shows a sliver of hope that they would and i feel like it really emanates in your writing and makes me as a reader reader hope for a happier ending as well. also the shaky "fuck" describes my feelings as i read this as well thanks btw 🥲

and this is all from my own mind but i imagine reader saw a photo or maybe got an invitation to hyun's wedding and they realize he's okay and it makes them reflect on themselves and with a heavy heart they realize theyre okay too. the worst part is there's no definitive point where they felt or "became" okay, because like you said, time is the best medicine and gradually mc just healed. but knowing that hyun is okay and has moved on kind of popped a bubble of reserved feelings and its not necessarily sad its just kind of disheartening or numbing?

idk how i started yapping sm lol i read wayyyy into this HAHAHA. i chose to analyze this instead of study for my finals ☝️🤓 but in conclusion, xian i love falling star and its yet another product of ur mindblowing sexy brain i love you so much bby and i js wanna say im so proud of you <3

when i tell u i saw this while studying (also for my finals) and it had my jaw on the floor my head in the clouds i couldn't focus for the LIFE of me afterwards. WDYM YOU WROTE ME AN ESSAY OF UR THOUGHTS ON MY WRITING? IS IT MY BIRTHDAY?? i love you so fucking much omg. thank u for sending this in my lovely star :') putting my VERY ramble-y response under the cut

"there have been broken promises before but hyunjin wouldn't dare end their relationship on another one" is soooo poignantly put and so so so correct. honestly him remembering the day and time of the flight was supposed to be a show of pettiness at first, like "you called me unreliable so here i am bitch" lmfaooo but let's be real you're right on the money with his real intentions. he was literally counting down the days until he had an excuse to see mc again.. he was also worried about the flight being so early and wanted to ensure their safety... AGGHHH not me hurting myself thinking ab this couple 😭

"when mc mutters "idiot" it really made me think like are they calling hyunjin an idiot? or themselves an idiot?" I LOVEEEE LOVE LOVE THIS? god u are a genius i adore you. i totally see this being the case. if i may add, maybe mc thinks they're an idiot because they reciprocate hyunjin's yearning even after everything that's transpired. like inward frustration that there are still feelings there? yeah. ur a genius.

about the slivers of hope after the car scene, i apologize for the lack of a happy ending love </3 the fic was definitely challenging (and saddening) but also refreshing to write. i really wanted to explore a couple that is well and truly doomed bc some of the relationships in our lives are doomed, yaknow? and you can recognize that and still have a lot of love for the person at the same time bc human beings are fucking complicated like that. but please consider this my official justification for posting something so depressing

"and this is all from my own mind but i imagine reader saw a photo or maybe got an invitation to hyun's wedding and they realize he's okay and it makes them reflect on themselves and with a heavy heart they realize theyre okay too." FUCKKKK NOT THE WEDDING PICTURE. this just made me frown irl. if i may add.....again..... what if they physically run into each other and that's how mc knows? at the start of the convo mc kinda feels the familiar stirrings again but it's more out of habit than anything. they talk for a bit and it's really pleasant and mc notices he has a ring on his finger and they realize they feel ✨ nothing ✨ about it anymore. but there's just an inkling of remorse remaining about the whole situation. like a passing thought of "maybe in a different universe we would've made things work"....haha.....fuck. BUT mc is happy hyunjin's happy, and mc is happy to have recovered, and life goes on

as for ur entire last paragraph i might actually cry, i'm so glad you love the fic and i truly do appreciate u taking the time to look into my fic this closely so so so much :'( you keep me going, I MEAN IT

[focusnicole]

oct. 2, 2024

today was fun but not very productive haha. i had my first workshop for creative writing today and i think it went well !! people could have definitely been meaner to me so thats a win in my book (ᵕ—ᴗ—) 

i meant to get a lot more done today but i was so sleepy and unfocused… i didn't have any caffeine today, which probably contributes to that lol. i went to two events tonight and decorated a cupcake and ate a s’more. i’ve been craving sweets soooo bad today so it was greatly appreciated. 

i have a huge test tomorrow but im not too worried about it; its for an elective art class and i get to bring a cheat sheet. my second class got canceled for us to work on our essays due friday (˃̣̣̥ᯅ˂̣̣̥) wish me luck !!

my friend’s car DID get hit in the parking lot today which is funny in the worst way possible. unfortunately that was the most eventful thing to happen. 

✦ got done ;

made reference sheet for art test

started looking for cookies to make for homecoming competitions

✦ the best parts ;

my cute cupcake

s’mores !!

compliments on my workshop piece

daydreaming and relaxing

wearing cute long skirts

✦ trackers ;

sleep: 7 hrs 30 mins

water: 34 / 68

protein: 68.4 / 75 g

study hours: 2 hrs

screen time: 7 hrs 31 mins