#im lying in bed not feeling anything
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#not caring about uni because of depression is kind of funny#i have a deadline for a paper outline in ca 18 hours#and i couldnt do it because sick last week and no time monday and yesterday#and normally id be freaking out and id be out of bed rn working on the paper as much as possible#but...#im lying in bed not feeling anything#want to disappear forever#i cant bring myself to care#i wish i could cry at least#or sleep#my professor didnt respond to my email about getting a extension after he told me hell put another professor in cc#and she also didnt respond.#normally id think this means i dont get an extension#id work rn the entire night#but nothing#im just so done with living idk
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its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously
#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to#im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but#because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of#exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something#and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh#and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing#because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant#even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still#its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn….#if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about#I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird#maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel#a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t#I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to#be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol#idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week#had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting#yapping#does this count as vent#vent#Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly
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today is an absolutely horrible day to be a taco fictive.
#inanimate insanity#ii osc#osc ii#osc#object show community#ii taco#inanimate insanity taco#taco ii#taco inanimate insanity#udd system#fictive heavy system#endos dni#anyone taco identifying how are we feeling#because im feeling like im about to have another mental breakdown#vent tags + big tw ->#he just went limp. his eyes dead and gray#i couldnt do anything to save him#i didnt even get to say i was sorry#i was so fucking scared and confused when it happened#the only thing i could do was scream#i dont even know how long i was holding his body and crying before mepad convinced me to sit on the bed#he was so cold and lifeless and the color in his face drained so fast#every time i think about what happened i start crying#worst part is that im directly sourced from that episode!#because watching it caused immense stress and were still having a trauma response to it#being a taco fictive is awesome (lying)
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actually so low on morale.
#sami rambles#i don't think anyone without a chronic illness can understand what it's like to then get sick on top of that because like.#my flatmate who gave me this chest infection carried on with her life like it was just an annoying cough.#which i have my own issues with regarding like passing it around because she wasn't wearing a mask anywhere :/#like with my condition at least when i get sick my whole body shuts down in order to actually have enough energy to fight the bug.#but my body stops functioning the way it should#my brain slows all the way down so i can't focus on anything#so i am literally just reduced to lying in bed until i start to get better#and it's not even like i can really do work whilst lying in bed because again. brain no work!!#so im just bored and there's a thousand things i need to do but i cant focus on any of them long enough to actually do them#and even thinking about doing them feels like im thinking about taking up the mantle of sisyphus and rolling that big fucking rock#anyway. I'm going up a hill with my friends tonight to watch the fireworks and drink hot chocolate idc if it kills me
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hm
thinking of my blorbos but not in a "i love you you love me all is well" way but a "i love you hope you kill me" way lol
#cylas vents#negativity#negative#death wish#lmao#bitches be like '[potentially concerning thing]' and then add 'lol' as if it's funny or a joke lmao#like i mean technically it's not but then again it is bc it's me. like yeah don't worry don't take this seriously don't mind me ok#it doesn't really matter anyway kk. or maybe it's more like I'm the joke.#like idk the thought that like most of my f/os would probably kill me on sight should be less comforting than it is i guess#imagine casually making posts like this and still being like 'ok but maybe im not actually mentally ill maybe im faking maybe im lying to#myself maybe im making excuses maybe im imagining things maybe im just lazy' etc etc#none of the antidepressants since fluoxetine decided it's over have done shit and even my psychiatrist now is always like 'hm. so do you#want to keep trying other things' and like yeah what else can i do? therapy didnt do anything for this specific issue and the tagesklinik#lady didnt really seem to get my issue (well her suggestions for like therapy groups or whatever were more about socialising or whatever#like ??? girl that's really not the main problem here lmao but she also did have a point about how i would have to actually go there every#day etc but like#what else am i supposed to do#hi i am always tired and sometimes struggle to even get out of bed and thats why i worry about getting a job or something bc it could become#too much or whatever but like unfortunately thats kind of a requirement for everything lmao#when psychiatrist asks what i want/expect or whatever i am internally like 'a magic pill that just fixes everything and makes me a normal#functional human being' but like that's just not A Thing (tm)#so. like. what else am i supposed to do.#i don't want to be like this forever#idk how to tag lmai#using stuff like#tw suicidality#tw suicidal#tw suicidal ideation#just feels so over the top and like i dont have the right to use them lol
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#day 4 on bupropion#i need to vent. bc today was mostly decent. cause at least i could control my emotions and not cry at every little thing#but ended just as badly as i was feeling yesterday. i feel rly sad rn#when im productive i feel great but when im trying to relax? i feel like i need to find something productive to do immediately.#its like i need to do everything but i have no desire to do anything#im like. lying in bed at 2 am grieving my hyperfixations hard. been crying for the past 3 hours#bc i just cant sit down and enjoy anything without feeling like im forcing myself. and i already miss feeling things when i play video game#idk if i can do the 4-6 weeks of this before side effects normalize. everyone says it gets better#and even that is making me feel guilty bc it took me this long to get help and i already want to quit on my first week#i have an appointment with my dr on friday but fuck. the last 3 nights have felt like weeks. its so hard falling asleep.#it really doesn't help that this med is making me. stupid. i have about 10 seconds worth of memory before the thought is deleted#literally forgetting what i'm talking about midway through a sentence#but hey. at least my memory is so bad i cant remember what i did today and overthink every action. i guess.#and maybe tmi. but my libido is gone... like completely nonexistent now#some people literally take this shit to help w a low libido!!! but for me it is doing the exact opposite!!! what is wrong with my body#and to top it off i can't drink even a half cup of coffee without panic attacks. i miss iced coffee already :(#cant enjoy shit anymore and my adhd feels 10 times worse than it did before bc i can't sit still to save my life.#anyway im yapping so much but i need to because im feeling so alone#some side affects im getting r common and manageable but some are pretty uncommon and its hard finding anyone who relates...
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*realizes i've been traumatized* ah it all makes sense now
#im in this place where i hate myself for not being able to do anything except for lying in bed and messing around#pearl keeps telling me to be gentle with myself but im just. real mad for not doing more#maybe shes right. or something#i got triggered by that situation and i havent been feeling well since#i keep thinking about my ex and everything#vent#tbd
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wanna disappear
#im just so BORED#nothings fun nothings engaging i just drift from thing to thing trying to pass the time#its not even 7 yet but ive already run out of things i feel like doing#its too early to go to sleep so i guess ill just. lie here#had a headache all day and havent wanted to listen to/watch anything#literally considering just lying in bed staring off into space for the next 3 hours lol#depression is such a riot
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Im gong to get a palm tattoo that says YOU ARE EXPERIENCING WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS so I can stop pretending I don’t know why I feel like shit every other week
Remember to take your meds friends
#it’s always#ugh I feel kinda dizzy and nauseous today idk what’s happening#ugh I feel like I’m going to burst into tears at minute for now reason with#ugh I’ve had a twitch in my eye for a couple days what’s up with that#ugh even with 9 hours of sleep im still exhausted#ugh why do I feel like lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling instead of doing literally anything else#you are experiencing withdrawal symptoms#dumbass
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who else up at 3am being the biggest hater
#lime rants#not like im doing anything lol#just lying in bed frothing at the mouth#maybe i feel so strongly bc im trying to distract myself from the other Not So Great shit happening atm
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I just want my degree rn I'm so sick and tired of this grandpa!
#apple lady words#i feel so drained and sad 😭 working all day and now im too exhausted to do anything so im just lying in bed#could i crochet or gif or read or do anything? sure#but im so tired
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what a perfect night
#sitting in my window in the calm after the rain hearing the crickets and the wind rushing through the trees#lying down in bed staring at the light and shadows on my ceiling now#solitude is so pleasurable like im thinking of both my lovers but being with myself feels better than anything else right now#notebook
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ill never be good enough at anything
#vent#events of today only proved it#im genuinely so close to giving up completely#i dont feel happy when I draw because I know its not good enough and im ashamed when others see it because I know they think the same thing#I dont feel satisfied or accomplished when finishing schoolwork because I know others will have done it better and responded better and im#the stupidest person of the entire class. some things I just dont understand but I know everyone else or lots of others did#i cant do anything right. i cant socialize correctly. i cant remember to do anything. i cant keep any stable relationships#i know if i get a job they'll ly me off or fire me within days max weeks. i dont expect to be able to hold down a job for long#i dont have the skills necessary to become what I want to be which is a meteorologist. i struggle in math and that career is a lot of math#i actually want to be an artist too but ill die a lonely death. i cant even do this class. and artists are not paid enough to survive#hell what I do right now with art in my spare time is much worse than others. a mouse and microsoft paint. both arent good enough#i cant not compare myself to others. i know that they're all better than me. and im around these people every day and see it on social medi#i really want to put my art in our shredder and permanently delete files. i want to drop out. i dont know what to do with myself because i#know that im not good enough for anything except lay in bed like the depressed piece of shit i am and end up getting kicked out#i thought about just leaving class today and throwing myself down the stairwell from the top floor i was already on#just over the barrier thats right next to the first flight of stairs that prevents people from falling off the stairs from a height#the one you can look down and see the following flight of stairs. just throw myself down from that and hurt myself significantly.#ive been thinking about jumping again. from a new part of campus thats higher than where i initially wanted to fall from#if not those then sl!t my wrist or run into traffic#i just need to d!e. There's no room for someone as worthless as me#i cried when I came home today because im just done. i cant carry on and itd be better if i didnt. itd be preferred.
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anyway we're not gonna talk abt this anymore though because i feel sicj
#I was gonna have a biscuit but if i eat anything i think I'm gonna throw up so#it's fine though its fine whatever theres breakfast tomorrow#god i wasnt lying when i said thay shit was a culmination of my lifes mistakes if i had just said yes abuela that would be nice instead of#fucking insisting we had food at home and i could make something for myself for what#so i could be stubborn??? so i could feel good abt not making things worse??? ffs#sorry#i dont know why im so worked up over this guys i think my periods coming up#i just needed to complain before bed#personal posts and stuff idk#aethers rants#cw vent
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see sometimes I try and think about it all more logically. what if it was all happening to a friend. my friend!! you completely forgot to feed your kitten his wet food for five days? you haven't drunk water for a couple of days? you didn't shower or change your clothes for four days? you've only eaten two actual meals in the last two days? your average sleep in the last week is around five hours? my friend, you need help.
since it's me, I don't need help.
#most of it has been genuine forgetfulness/zoning out and 'oh it's 2am'#but like. last night i was lying awake hungry as anything bc all I had was dinner and not a great deal of that. if id been in a house on my#own i would've hopped up and got smth but i couldn't in case of disturbing grandma#(I have since purchased things that I will store near my bed that I can either take out of there#or leave them there for any such emergencies. if you call them emergencies. sometimes if i can't handle eating normally if i can't see what#im eating i can manage that - makes it less real somehow.)#honestly tho i am shocked by how immediately all my carefully created routines have fallen apart tbh#should i talk to my lecturer at uni who does the 12-2 class? to check she's ok with me eating in class? bc otherwise i will likely not eat#anything before dinnertime. probably skip breakfast#i don't know. i don't know anything. i love my course i love it so much and i don't know how i'll handle it#but i don't think i'd handle not doing it#idk im just so tired man#depression does a number on you frfr#okay that's it im turning on the heater finding some music and doing a lil dance. see if i feel better. maybe try a bit of hot water with#ginger or smth livening in it. i do want to try that. something to wake you up. ive been in a dead depressed limbo for five hours straight#and done nothing of use#tw ed#good news tho i find my anxiousness overall reduces the more depressed i am xD idk why lol#personal#puddleglum hours
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rr
#this is late night overthinking delete later thoughts but#thinking about the fact that i’ll probably never be able to be in like a real actual queer relationship#like every time i remember that and then think a lil too hard about it#it makes me so sad to the point where my stomach hurts#like im lying in bed rn thinking about it and im getting actual real pains#and it just hurts so bad both physically and emotionally#because i know that i won’t be able to come out to my parents#like i try to tell myself that one day i’ll be able to tell them but as time goes on it just doesn’t seem realistic#and i just don’t know how i could be in a queer relationship under those circumstances#and ppl will say ‘just cut them off if theyre not supportive!!!!’ but for me and my situation that’s just not possible#‘do whatever you want to do who cares what they think!!!’ you don’t know anything ab my situation stop saying this#being in a queer relationship is something that for the longest time i tried to pretend that i didn’t want#and now that i’ve finally accepted who i am and what i want#i just feel like im back in that little hole of secrecy and shame bc i know that (at least for now) i still have to pretend#that im not queer#ahhhh#sigh idek if anything of this makes sense and is coherent#thinking about this makes me cry and makes my head hurt and my stomach hurt#but i just felt like i needed to let it out#because im not out to anyone irl so i have no one to talk to about this#anyways i should probably try and sleep before i fall too far down the rabbit hole#sigh
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