#im lways just........ anyways

[phanyu]

In the tags you said you had a different idea for phil projects you'd like to see that aren't film, what are you thinking of? I lways thought he should go back to making short films like the early days of his channel

context

i mean id LOVE to see a phil film solo project!!! im gonna go on a bit of a ramble here actually sorry about how i sort of see their potential solo endeavours to elaborate.

okay i think the thing that tugs at my brain with dnp that is simultaneously frustrating but also makes me respect them is how they both seem to sort of fight at what comes easy to them. take for example their respective senses of style, dan objectively looks better in colour and phil is stunning in blacks and shades. but it doesnt match their personality so they do as they like. i think content creation sort of leans the same way with them. dan is THE most natural host ever, his strengths lie with improv, charisma, and on-the-fly charm and comedy. he's made himself as a public figure almost into an artistic endeavour of sorts.... like "dan howell" has become a hugely meaningful narrative, to himself, to his fans, and to the public. but he has very strict ideas on what would make him feel "successful" in his chosen field and none of those line up with the level of "seriousness" he craves, so he makes his goal comedy writing. he tries with dinok, he does wad. the parts that shine of wad are the parts that embrace that and his narrative art, and the parts that drag are the parts where hes actively fighting against his strengths. and the sad this about it all is...... i actually think phil could be a really gifted comedy writer 😭

dans strengths lie when he uses himself and his life and his opinions and experiences as a narrative at the front of a project, but i think phil would actually excel at being the creative driving force behind a project. phil's early stuff supports that, but also where so much of dan's humour lands because of the delivery and the energy, phil's is so... distinct. hes so clever. like the way he just TYPES is so charming and distinctive to me akjnktjn like idk how to describe it HE HAS THE SAUCE and thats why even to a casual viewer might find dan the more outright funny one, whatever tf goes on in phil's head is actually the spark behind it all usually. so i want phil on PAPERRRRR i want him screenwriting, or writing a novel, or making a game, i dont want a phil narrative piece like i think dan has to embrace (through the dnp brand or outside), i want something that anyone off the street can look at and pick up and find something in, regardless of ever having heard the name phil lester. bc i think that thats the realm of art phil would have found himself in anyway if the dan and phil duo hadnt taken off the way it did, when it did. also because unlike dan, who unfortunately seems to be stuck in that hell where he craves mainstream validation that he cant attain, yet somehow continues to pull in these MASSIVE niche crowds for whatever he does, phil i genuinely think could break mainstream if he doesn’t even try to sell it by his face/fanbase.

[mapsofnonexistentplaces]

hi cubeguy i sent u an anons a while ago that i dont use tumblr but i periodically check ur blog bcus it specifically rocks & im back. i listened to an album u recommended on here but im curtailed by the character lim to give a review so i typed out a real time extremely long reaction to the songs LOL definitely the logical nextstep. its @ pastebin.com/Ejd8E9VX idk if im allowed to link shit on tumblr?? anyway i hope to get around 2 other musiks u like bcus i lovedd this btw its get to heaven that i listened to THANK U 🎀🙇‍♂️💋💗💗💗

HEY YOU HAVE AN AWESOME WAY OF TALKING ABOUT MUSIC. GRINS SO MUCH. i’m glad you enjoyed gth it’s so so special to me genuinely the album of all time …. my favorite songs off it are s/s/w/d the wheel and blast doors Lways a joy to see someone go crazy about them

^ really fond of this descriptor here also i think it succinctly puts a lot of what i love about ee’s songwriting down into words…. the weird entanglement of love and hate and confusion and clarity it’s a very very special moodset

also YEAH the way you described the vocals…. the early everything everything albums play a lot with like. roughness and scratchiness and the kind of ‘animalistic’ register of the human voice. (honestly everything before raw data feel. this is literally because the singer just decided to learn how to sing in high registers without falsetto for the first time which is like cool but also AUGH i miss that old sound

OK SO the thing about this bit

absolutely YES the thing about get to heaven is that it’s literally just like. a complete album of bangers. going down through their other stuff is gonna be a little more rocky, you might enjoy the like once-per-album weird slow ballads you might not, even though i’m lazy about listening to some of their weaker stuff when i do go through the entire albums i still find a lot of quirks in the instrumentation or lyrics that manage to impress me. i’d recommend delving into either man alive or arc next those are basically on par with gth although a bit more weird and morose? if you’re feeling it id then recommend raw data feel which oscillates more around pop/new wave but still has some really interesting musical constructions, gets extremely electronic and synthy…. a fever dream is like a 50/50 split between really long slow songs which are just Fine and really fast heavy bangers. just go listen to notln, can’t do, desire, good shot, run the numbers and ivory tower LOL. uhhhh reanimator is arguably their weakest album probably the most unremarkable but it’s also like my second favorite right after get to heaven. it’s weird and glowy and flimsier than their other tunes. that enchants me i guess…. they’ve also got an upcoming album that once again seems to be more pop oriented, cold reactor is the best of the singles they’ve released for it yet. what else. there’s like a youtube playlist out there of demo/outtakes/non album stuff that you can find real easy, there’s some really good stuff in there. personal favorites are the come alive diana demo, even the dogs and dna dump

ok so the fucking thing about the “lore” of this album. there technically isn’t any and most of ee’s albums are a per-song thing usually revolving around like. modern social commentary. the genius pages for most of their songs have like. direct songwriting annotations by the band and explain the thought process behind them. however for gth there’s also like a small layer of overarching lore about this one guy called thomas silhouette as a character. he’s not so much the crux of any narrative or presence as much as he’s just like. funny anagram arising from a lyric in fortune 500 that gets alluded to in later albums because he’s loosely representative of a lot of themes that get tackled in ee songs like capitalism and dread and shit like that

[arawanim]

art from me ???? 😳 anyways hinata sibs 

[arvoze]

me: maybe i should ramble more people: show support me: that post people: We Don't Support You 100% Of The Time

[zealous-zelo-archive]

.

[coffeeshib]

Broski, i just wanted to share that im so proud of my parents and my aunt. My parents were talking earlier about my gay cousin and they said to my aunt "i don't understand how they cant just accept it(my gay cousins dad), look at my daughter, she's gay and I've accepted it" and my aunt just agreed. I didn't even come out to my parents nor my aunt. I laughed and said i was never in the closet anyway. Anyway i didn't have anyone to share this with and i thought of you since you're lways so supportive.. and this was such a nice and sweet thing..

LMAOOOO bro the way they just Knew. you really went "i'm not coming out if you think i'm straight that's on YOU" & your parents & aunt understood the assignment

[aresrl]

I hihi I am!!! A little nervous w/ doing this bc I've never done this b4 so please bear🐻 w// me💦 May I request a match up? A vision, a romantic partner and maybe a friend and/or enemy? If that's too much feel free to just assign me a vision + partner, ehe/// Preferably male for a romantic match-up, but either gender is fine with a friend and enemy match-up^^ I tried to be as detailed as possible but I think I ended up just ranting, so im v v sorry if it's long! I sort of fluctuate when it comes to being an introvert/extroverted. W// strangers and irl, I'm very introverted and shy!! Rarely speak and if I do it's just the usual "Hi how are you? That's good. I'm good too, thank you for asking:)" yeayea I'm not too. Keen on social interaction irl. But I always do my best to be very nice!! I never wanna come off as mean bc wow what a bad first impression that would be. But with friends / ppl ik online?? Whew I am very very friendly n chatty ^^ Either very high energy or very chill, there's rarely any inbetween. Sometimes I like to jokingly tease my friends but I'd never go too far / make them uncomfortable!! And if I do I always apologize right away!! I like to say that I'm affectionate?? My strongest love language is def physical affection, if not quality time. Idk man there's just something about vibing with someone or hugging them that just aaaaa/// Although I usually display affection w// words of affection bc. Literally most of my friends are online friends so I can't actually hug them, sad times. Idk if this is needed/important info but I just remembered: I'm 5'6 around??? Need glasses bc. Whew i am blind (near sighted), I'm poc (specifically black) anndd, hm. Actually I think thats it for this section, aha. As you can see I'm, not really all that organized. Also I don't have the best attention span - while writing this I'm circling between 4 different apps - and I'm a bit of a mess. And also a little stupid. Just a smidge dumb. But I have my moments - I solved like. 2 puzzles in Inazuma by myself so I think that counts for something. I also find that I tend to talk a whole lot when I have an idea or smthn to say abt a thing I'm super interested in!! That's info-dumping. I info dump. Yes. I also really like to listen to other people talk abt things they like!!!! Its so nice :) I'm protective over people I care about!! I've never done it but 100% would bark at someone who messed with someone close to be. Arf arf yaknow. I tend to he impulsive. I'll do something, and be all "YEAH>:D" and then regret it later. And then I'll do it all over again in a fun little cycle :) I consider myself an optimist, but quickly turn into a pessimist whenever it concerns myself. Fun funfun. Should probably mention that I am. A very insecure person w/ dangerously low self esteem, which is super fun esp when you mix that with the fact that I'm rarely ever motivated to improve. Yayayay Also sort of a pushover?? Like most often than not I'll be convinced to do something, even if I'm not too keen on doing it. Also afraid of confrontation when it comes to my friends and strangers (that is, if it's concerning me!! I'll order smthn for my friend but if I need to order for myself?? uhh stutter time aha). I'm also a mega simp ahah! Srsly though if I fall for someone/get infatuated with someone I. Will be so obvious abt it even though I try very hard not to be. Would gush over that person probably. I don't really like mean people tbh. Like yes I'll be nice and civil with them but!!! I cannot stand!!! Rude people!!! Esp when they're mean for no reason like sir??? maam??? homie??? chill pls ty<3 People who aren't necessarily mean, but moreso have bastard energy and are just really "hehe>:D" but playfully are p poggers tho!!! I think I get along with kids!! I have a little sister,, around like. Nine? And we get along really well!! I also try and match a kid's energy whenever I'm tasked with looking after them. I take pride in the fact that kids like me >:].... even if they sometimes scare me-- Ok, interest time!!

I like art!! Quite a bit!! Less of a realistic artist and more of a cartoonist!! Idk there's just something fun abt drawing cartoons, hehe. I also like self ships - I have quite a bit of them, actually ! Idk its comforting drawings your fictional crushes loving you idkidk. I like writing too! Both original stories, and one-shots or personal fics that are associated with already created media!! Writing character backstories and personalities and stuff is also fun too! I've even made my own fictional world with a full fledged backstory n everything! It's very fun to think about. I'm a day dreamer!!! Yea remember when I said I write stories? I day dream abt potential stories even more. Mmm daydream world so nice so warm so fun I read aswell!! Mostly fantasy books, or stories where animals are the protagonists. Think Warrior Cats. But my favorite book series has got to be Guardians of Ga'Hoole. Fantasy owl books, anyway! X Readers are also things I enjoy reading :) Again, s I m p Also gaming!!! Is something fun I do sometimes!!! Although it's usually Genshin Impact, or Wii Sports/Resort w// my little sister. Oh, also pokemon! I rlly like Primarina, Vaporeon, Sylveon and Vulpix/Ninetails! I absolutely adore sweet foods, and baking is smthn I'm def interested in! Don't like foods w// weird textures though, like beans or mashed potatoes. Also I. Love spice so much. Mmm love it when my mouth burns so bad. Don't have a favorite animal but I've had three cats in my lifetime (btw not important but my current cat is named Sylvester and. He's my baby boy) so I am. A very big cat fan. Probably not needed but I really like sword and claymore characters. Literally all of the characters I main are either sword or claymore users. Although I did get Diona, so I miiight start forcing myself to learn how to aimmm. I see that I tend to like people/characters that are a little more extroverted than me. Upbeat, happy type beat!!! Nice sunshine babies, :) I think thats it! I hope this was good enough? Again, first time doing this (at 2am nonetheless) so forgive me if I got too rambly or did anything wrong ^^ Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this! And I hope your day is good / you had a good day, depending on when you read this, ehe!

Hey! Sorry if the wait has been long! I also love Warrior Cats (I promise myself, one day I'll finish it.)

You received... A Pyro vision! Optimistic, enthusiastic, impulsive, reckless, and a lot of energy are the general characteristics held by the Pyro vision. • I hesitated between the Pyro and Hydro vision, but your energy distinguishes you from the Hydro vision. • You said you were impulsive, always doing something you might regret later but still doing it. • You react quickly: as you said, if somebody hurt someone you love, you won't think twice before barking. Your partner would be... Xingqiu! “This feeling was unexpected.” • At first, you were just friends, and Xingqiu really loved to tease you. Actually, you both teased each other. But eventually, a feeling of love towards you grew into Xingqiu. And that was reciprocated. • Your relationship is filled with teases, jokes, and good/funny moments where you mostly share what you commonly appreciate. • He also knows when to get serious: for example, he does everything to support you during your moments of struggle concerning your self-esteem. Your friend would be... Childe! “Luckily, I'm here!” • You two also share funny moments, especially during situations where your “stupidity” is overtaken by his insight. • Sometimes, he finds you cute. • He likes the fact that you get along well with kids. It leads you to great moments with him and his siblings. • You're quite the opposite in terms of self-esteem. I think it's a good thing because it makes you complementary. Your enemy would be... Albedo! A misunderstanding. • You wouldn't hate each other, but I think Albedo wouldn't like the way you use your energy, and when you're more in a chill mood (meaning you're more available for him to talk), he could get pissed at how much times he'd have to repeat himself for you to understand something. • He's very patient, but he understood quickly that his interests would maybe not be within your reach. • You would just be too different. Worth to mention • You and Venti are like drama queens in Mondstadt. You are good friends. But you both know that you can't be more, as it would eventually both drag you down (because of similar problems). • Klee is also your best friend: both of you share decisions that you definitely will regret later. Or maybe not. • Hu tao and you are kinds of silently competing over who's the best tease, and she beats you. My goal is definitely not achieved. I hope I can catch up tomorrow. And don't worry, it was surprisingly good for a first description!

[dysfunctionalcrab]

NO BC BEFORE IT WAS COS TUMBLR'S A BITCH AND KEPT UNFOLLOWING ME BUT THIS TIME I JUST FOUND OUT THAT U CAN MOVE UR ICON THINGY ON THE MOBILE AND I WAS JUST MOVING IT UR ONE AROUND BC IM A CHILD AND FOUND IT AMUSING BUT IT WENT OVER THE FOLLOW BUTTON AND UNFOLLOWED MY B

MY FAULT

OOPSIE

-not anon but signing of as angst person anyway cos i can

ITS SO FUNNT COZ I GET A NOTIF AND IM LIKE OH I WONDER WHO THAT IS AND ITS LWAYS YOUUUUU 😭😭

[microfeelings]

Well you know what they say, if you want to get things out there you... have to get things out there

So Fantasy AU with Game Grumps

Tbh i dont know how this started... It might have been something along the lines of Dan would make a great bard, and Suzy is totally a druid... and everything went downhill from there, but also, who knows how my brain works there is like 4 trains of thought at the same time and they're all roughly have the same thoughts if that makes sense? So I'm thinking of something in 4 different ways and its hard to pinpoint from wich train the idea came from... yall still with me? Cause I tend to ramble when I'm panicking (and also dont know what I'm doing)

The idea is basic dnd party doing missions all over the fantasy land and nearly dying/accidentally destroying cults in the process of getting to the big plot (WICH I DONT HAVE LMAO, remember that comic about the "oh man, two cakes" guy? This is me presenting the ingredients of the cake and calling it a day, I am so sorry, my brain is way over the place to get you something better)

So far I have three paragraphs and is like 80% rambling, I feel like a deer in the headlights. Anyways so the characters;

Arin: half orc barbarian, dont know how to describe my decision other than.... big arms. And also, not to be thirsty on main he would look so good with tusks (sidenote: I love half orcs, never played dnd but honestly i would probably only ever play half orcs). Basic adventurer, left the place he grew up with when he was of age to find himself and get stronger, also since he kinda didnt like himself he tried to get rid of his tusks and long hair, but eventually left them to grow. Always travels with a companion and that doesnt always end well. Sweet, kind and funny, he makes friends wherever he goes, but also lots of enemies (like a lot of people want him death, even demons, and Arin still doesnt understand why cause hes not the worst person ever come on) its hinted through foreshadowing (i talk like this is a fucking show) that he is a vessel for an old moon/sun god, or is the moon/sun god reincarnated and he hasnt remembered yet. And by implied I mean, I've been playing with the idea, but I dont know if I'll follow through (at least its a plot)

Dan: elf bard, of roughly 250+ years, hes got the most experience in the bunch as an adventurer but also feels out of time because he slept through 50 years straight cause he was sick, when he woke up he found out lots of people he knew had died and that kinda fucked him up. Diplomatic in a tipical bard fashion (he will fuck his way out of the mess) but an experienced swordman as well (with both a longsword and a rapier). When he first woke up he got the first job that he could manage (mercenary) where he met Brian, he later left the job because it didnt feel right with him, and started travelling on his own, he met Arin and started travelling with him cause friendship and also barbarian here to make sure you dont die in battle you squishy elf

Suzy: elf druid, keeper of a forest near where Arin lived a season, befriended him when he was younger, never left the forest cause it was her duty to protect it, but it got invaded by a group of mercenaries and it got impossible for her to drive them off (like come on, she is strong, but its really hard to drive off like 50+ people) she tried to ask for help in the nearby towns but nobody came to her aid for being the witch of the forest, until eventually Arin and Dan accepted to help her, she later joined them in adventures. Her body is covered in tattoos, and is trying to convince Arin and Dan to get one as well (pls). Her favorite forms to take are bear, snake and spider (to scare Dan)

Ross: tiefling warlock. The first person to travel with Arin when he was younger, they met when Ross initially tried to kill Arin but failed, they became fast friends and also ride or die for each other, and Ross would never tell him that his patron ordered to kill him and his initial intent was to do it, but ended up liking Arin too much to get trough with it. Loves to antagonize Dan for the sake of it and sometimes gets jealous of him (I was his friend first) wraps his tail around Arin when he gets scared/is sleepy and Arin thinks its adorable

Brian: human rogue. Part of a mercenary crew that is absolutely despicable, met Dan when he first woke up and accepted him as the only partner (he killed all the others) since Dan fell asleep below a tree near the town Brian grew up with, and troughout his life he always saw Dan sleeping under a tree and now hes awake asking for a job here? You stick with me, I promise not to stab you (too much). Since he has a wife and daughter he want to leave the life of mercenary, so Arin agrees to help him kill his own boss (A+ on the handling things boys)

And then there is Barry, who I want to be a recurring character but I never really got into GG until he wasnt there so I dont know a lot about him, and theres a bunch of other characters that are definetly a part but also there is only so much I can write here and theyre kinda more like background

I write like those old fanfic writers who are always interrupting their own work but instead of pluging in something like 'lmao im crazy' im having a panic attack

Also I feel like I need to say this, this is technically polygrumps? But like most romance in any tv show, it add nothing to the plot, I just like shipping

[simlishprincess]

Any advice for a simblr who plans to become a Berry Sweet Simblr with a little vanilla like you

oh this is so sweet!!!! fun fact: i didnt start out as a berry sweet blog! i was turned after following @woohooligan and reading her rainbowcy~

this was my blog august 2014!

anyways, as for advice (not super specific to my blogging style but helpful nonetheless) i’d say:

have fun

like and follow a bunch of simblrs you like

interact as much as you can with others on here!

and if you can, try to keep up a consistent stream of posts aka the queue is your best friend lol even if it’s just 1 post day, it makes a difference.

oh and use the tag system when you make posts! the first 5 tags are the tags that matter most cause they show up in tumblr.com/tagged/”your tag here” and anything after those first five will help the post show up in tumblr.com/search/”your tag here”

okay thats all i got for now! when you make your blog let me know so i can follow it! :D ♡♡ and if you want a banner for your gameplays, im always taking requests :)

[whipped-for-kpop-fics]

A message to Protection Squad readers

This was originally going to be posted after part 15 but I feel like I shouldn’t wait to post is so just ignore me talking as if the story is over already thank you

To everyone that has been on this journey with me, thank you so much. I really do love and appreciate you all more than you realise. I never thought this little series would get ANY love let alone the amount it has and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading/liking/reblogging/commenting.

I found that part 13 gained a lot of response due to the issues mentioned and portrayal of those issues and how real it was. I don't know if I should be happy about that or not because that tells me a lot of people have been in that place(if not taking it as far as to try to end it permanently like Y/N did but certainly experienced such pain as she did) and can understand on a personal and deep level how she felt, how feeling numb is often worse than the pain. I wish that none of you had to ever feel this way because I know how much it hurts, how it destroys you and takes away everything even slightly resembling something good and blows the bad out of proportion. 

I hope that if nothing else, the character of Y/N has shown you that your feelings are not invalid, it is perfectly normal to have bad days and to wish things are better. But, you should always seek help if you need it. I know I'm a hypocrite for saying such a thing but please please please, go to a doctor, talk to your family, your friends, a random stranger on the internet who wishes you nothing but good things in life(I'm talking about me here yes hello I am random stranger). The last thing you want is to keep it to yourself, especially if you yourself are ignoring the problem(s) and acting as if everything okay. Because I can tell you right now from personal experience that it will one day come back with more strength and malice than it originally held, it'll be too late to just talk about it and chances are, you may not be able to handle the pain it brings. 

My whole point here is that I am here for you all. Please, talk to me if you need to, I'll leave my Kakao ID at the bottom for anyone that wants it and you don't even have to make small talk(because im shit at it anyway and a terrible conversationalist when it comes to fucking small talk) just legit be like "Hi Chee so today this grade A fuckwit from school said such and such and it really got to me and I just wanna talk" or "I saw a thing online and it got to me for various reasons and I just need someone right now" or if you just want some to talk to I’ll do that. "Here is a dumb picture of a cat that made me laugh and I wanted to share it with someone" (please do this one I love animals doing dumb shit pictures/gifs/memes)

I have already said this multiple times in response to asks and such but I really do understand more than you realise the issues Y/N has because she is heavily based on me. This story started because I was having an especially bad day and as writing is a good coping mechanism for me already, writing how I'd like to deal with my issues (chapter 1, the animal therapy) really helped. The beginning paragraphs of part 1 stating how Y/N has been struggling for like 8 years(i can't remember how long I wrote) and how she's settled for something she's not even sure is real happiness, that is 100% me. I've been struggling with depression since I was like 14(i think) and I'm 22 now and anxiety? fuck, I've had that my whole life but didn't know what it even was until I was like 18/19, I had always just been “shy”.

So trust me when I say, I understand so fucking much and I want nothing more than to prevent people getting to the same feeling of hopelessness I've had to face many times over the past I don't know how many years.

I love you and you deserve happiness I hope you seek the help you need when you need it, even if you don't necessarily want it

You all deserve to feel like you belong, like you'll always have a friend and I'd be honoured to show you as much, if only you'd give me the chance

Now back to what this note originally started as; a thank you. Thank you so much for reading my little story, I can't thank you all enough. I've loved reading how much you've all enjoyed it and I hope I can continue to see you all on future stories. 

Just because Protection Squad has ended, don't feel as if you have to stop sending in asks for whatever reason.

I feel like there may be some unanswered questions even now that part 15 is up because I'm easily distracted so probably forgot to put in the information I was supposed to or I simply felt like putting it in would've been messy or just wrong to the flow of the story. So if you do have any questions regarding Protection Squad(or any story or just anything really idc) don't be shy to send them in!

For the final time, thank you so so so much for reading Protection Squad and I love you all ~Chee

And for anyone who needs/wants it to talk or whatever, as promised, my Kakao ID is Chee95

[gayspock]

dont rb, dont rply

slike i dont know man slike. i should stop fuckn crying for once but i jsut...s dpfjsodfjds. 

its like.  every single time you move into a new place youre just so Full of hope and it never ... works out like. you always think oh. maybe it might actually feel like a Place where i belong?  where it doesnt feel like im in the way? where i can actually just... at least Exist, without feeling like a stick in the mud. and it never really ever is. slike just a constant cycle of being stupid and getting your hopes up - thinking oh, maybe next time - but it never.... delivers. no matter how hard you try ? at least, for me, it’s always just... resulted in what i can Ultimately just quantify as Rejection and. i dont know. i wish i was just Enough and i wish i was just enough for someTHING but im not, not for anything and sdfosjsdf . i dont know im just. Suddenly fuckn Breaking down again and slike.

you can kinda just Track it through the years of like. oh im finally excited to start school bc my parents dont want me and i want to make friends and feel like i am Somewhere but the reality is youre kind of just a fucking. joke to everyone and you get Tossed between friendship groups like a sack of potatoes bc ppl get ssick of you after 5 fucking minutes and you weren’t ever good enough to Stay and then you’re like. oh maybe school will work out. but the teachers fucking Loathe you because your attention span is fucking awful and you cause so much trouble because no one fucking Likes you and you just end up causing a fuss for them and. man you just cause a fuss for everyone bc youre in the way and no one really fucking Wants you and your parents are sick of you and you have no friends and your teachers are counting the days until you Finally get kicked out because some kid hit you and you hit back so they can take the Reason to cart you out of there and slike. you do all of that and you get to Secondary school and then sixth form and its the same mantra over and over again of just floating in between places and disappointing everyone you fucking meet because you cant do anything fucking right and. every time you get a smidgeon of hope its just fucking Toileted like. days with friends that feel warm and happy and then barely a month later and youre Alone again and its nothing to them because youre Nothing to them and you’re lways nothing but a fucking Idiot who keeps thinking you’re more than you are when the reality is youve never been anything but a fucking Brat that needs the shit kicked out of them and its lile. for every single Decent grade you get you’re also too much of a fuck up to  have right no matter how hard you try and what does it fucking matter anyway what does any of it fucking matter and why Should you even try any more because its just fucking Empty whatever you do - yyou’vvve Always been too much trouble and you’ve never been worth it and. it just becomes more abundantly clear the more time goes on - perhaps, it was always clear, and i was just a fucking idiot. and i dont know its just. one of those fucking times again where thats being put into Hyperfocus and like. part of me always prayed something would work out and maybe despite my shitty behaviour record, despite the fact no one wants me, i could Get somewhere with half-decent grades and run far far away but in the end i couldnt pull any of it off because god what does it even Matter and i know im not welcome anywhere i go anyway im just in the fucking way and like. who even cares like. even if i did succeed it’d never be enough to make my ass worth anything and. i dont know. like i dont fucking know.

im thinking a lot particularly about the pride society at school too bc like. for real that was always something i was so excited for because being nb and gay was such a Core component of my identity and like. of course my parents would be disgusted if they knew and they never can know but like. it was the one thing i could hold high despite that? i dont know if that even makes any sense... but then the reality of it was literally just. oh you’re not welcome here Either this space is dominated by the pretentious yt kids who’ll put themselves above everyone else, because they’re the only ones with a Valid Voice and. i dont know it something so stupid that doesnt matter in  the long run but its just. its always just Hurt so uch and . the same goes with literally everything else in sixth form  and everywhere like. JUST EVERYRWHERE its the same. cold and isolating force of. you’re not worth anything you’re stupid you’ew not worth listening to you’re a god damn Burden and we dont WANT you  because god fucking knows there’s been so many friends too and i feel Safe and Comfy for just a little too fucking long before they Say soemthing and i dont want to be a fucking. babey about it i dont want to be overly sensitive but when they Display such fuckng feelings like that sometimes it’s Highkey fucking obvious that like. no matter hat they say that’s how they Really feel about people like you and they never wanted you to begin with because youre disgusting and. like i jsut i dont kno why thought i could be a  litle happier bc ijust. always just felt like i was never apart of anythi ng and i just want to disappear now i just want to go and never see anyone ever again but im stuck because im such a fucking failure and its fucking ironic that im so so fucking worthless i cant even fucking. run away and die down a ditch somewhere and im just sticking around like a bad fucking smell getting in the way and sjfoasffs. i dont fuckign know i should Kill myself honestly fucking idiot 

[lapimpinelaescarlatta]

im a failure im living with a men after i said i never will again

but, but it looked like it will be benefical for both to live together, basically he talks to my neighbours and i can be as asocial as i want , he helps mw with stuff like groceries , drugs etc  and he has a house (i dont have to pay for the place im living now, and while i know he is not legal or suited for the traditional relationship (something that i dont want, because i totally failed at it, i think monogamy is idiotic) but i dont care is just that i feel like hte social script makes me look like and idiot nad i hate it also he has a cat that eat my mice  and so far its working well

i mean i casually say is my boyfriend, but idk he  is just...  i wanted a friends with benefits relationship with him and while i say to people ·my boyfriend- because it becames to long to explain to everybody why i dont belive in love relationships between men and women,  i think whatever i say to the people ,im tryng to treat the relationship like if we were roomates with benefits , not a traditional couple, he likes every women and to be honest i dont  care in the rational level because i ve been always the cheater, and it never disminished my love? for the other person, but somehow sometimes i get affected by  the thougt of it ,like “ did he really leaves to be with his friends or is running to his other lovers houses and i ...   ¿idk i feel weird do i dont care or i am just pretending?

anyway my motto  has lways been  not to follow every thought i have so when i feel jealous i just brush it up becase, if i think rationally i dont give a fuck, i had a boyfriend and a lover at the same time and i liked both so who the fuck cares.. i dont really believe in sexual exclusivity..

anyway i want him to leave me after the winter, because im afraid of becoming dependent of him

he is also your average misoginist but like, whatever he thinks, he treats me way bettier than my comunnist exboyfriend

after the pandemia im gonna try to hang out more with woman, and i dont know i really ugh , im afraid im believing to be the smarter person with the upper hand but im letting a man to take advantage of me..

lol i wish i wasnt that selfconscious about everything

[zofias]

I voted jemcarstoirs (I think that's the one) anyway I already told you that. It's such a good URL though

thank you!! tbh if that poll doesnt work out im going with jemcarstoirs for sure :)

url: okay | good | amazing | im in love | how in the world???icon: okay | good | amazing | its perfect | can i have it??theme: okay | good | amazing | love 1000% | i’m changing mine rn!! posts: okay | good | amazing | flawless | im reblogging everything from you now!overall: okay | good | amazing | excellent :)) | love doesn’t even cover it following: nope sorry | now i am | 150% | ALWAYS AND FOREVER compliment: i’ve recently just followed you and i love everything about your blog the content  is A+++ you yourself are A++ and you seem so kind and sweet everything is just beyond perfect

want one?