#im literally incapable of writing down a few lines. it's all or nothing

[kikuism]

the effort i put into that last batch of oc answers rivals final assignment research papers

[gridelincarver]

hey I trust u what are ur top 5 Iorveth songs 👀 im in a creative bind I need inspo (im also @essskel but u know that lmao)

oh my god HI

i know this isn't what u asked but like first off real quick lemme slide this link over... i have a iorveth playlist on spotify (it's meant to be listened on shuffle i know the order i added them is wack)

but uhh ok if i had to pick 5 (also in no particular order)

"Arsonist's Lullabye" - Hozier

"Wretches and Kings" - Linkin Park (i know its linkin park but if you look at the LYRICS)

"Thank You For the Venom" - My Chemical Romance (but i cant not also mention DESTROYA and our lady of sorrows)

"Daniel in the Den" - Bastille

"Satellite" - Rise Against

it PAINS ME to only pick five emblematic ones but i tried lskdghldksjf

(also bonus under the cut some pertinent lyrics. i could do this w the whole playlist and also write paragraphs & more but i am restraining myself)

This is a life that you can't deny us now

(Rise Against) self explanatory, i think, very scoia'tael

When I was a man I thought it ended When I knew love's perfect ache But my peace has always depended On all the ashes in my wake

All you have is your fire And the place you need to reach Don't you ever tame your demons But always keep 'em on a leash

(Hozier) I think Iorveth struggles a lot with feeling like he's incapable of sitting down and being happy (and this lyric plays into how i think his relationship w Cedric went/ended), and the chorus is just very reminiscent of how alone he's always been even among his supposed peers, and also just the strength and power of his character

To save face, how low can you go? Talk a lotta game, but yet you don't know Static on the wind, makes us all say whoa The people up top push the people down low Get down, and obey every word Steady, get in line if you haven't yet heard Wanna take what I got, don't be absurd Don't fight the power, nobody gets hurt

Hear us now, clear and tall Wretches and kings, we come for you

(Linkin Park) I think this is a bit of pointed anger at Francesca Findabair (shakes fist) for acquiescing and betraying her own kind as if that will help any elves besides the few who actually got to dol blathanna, also the "wretches and kings" is reminiscent of "king or beggar, one dh'oine less" (also listen to the speech at the beginning and end of the song. it fucks)

I wouldn't front the scene if you paid me

Black is the kiss, the touch of the serpent sun It ain't the mark or the scar that makes you one

You're running after something That you'll never kill If this is what you want Then fire at will

You want to follow something Give me a better cause to lead Just give me what I need Give me a reason to believe

(My Chemical Romance) this goes w MY interpretation of him as someone who wasn't actually gradually made ready for being the face of a movement and instead having it sprung on him by his circumstance (of being the last surviving vrihedd officer), and his own conflicted feelings of nothing getting better while also refusing to give up or do anything else (also it literally says "serpent sun," nilfgaard anyone?)

And you thought the lions were bad Well they tried to kill my brothers And for every king that died Oh they would crown another But it's harder than you think Telling dreams from one another

Oh to see What it means to be free Of the shadows and the dreams That you claim to see

And felled in the night By the ones you think you love They will come for you

(Bastille) the beginning one is I think more self explanatory, and "telling dreams from one another" i think can be applied to all the people who have "allied with" and "helped" the scoia'tael only to really be working for their own gain (like nilfgaard, or even arguably saskia)

the "felled in the night / by the ones you think you love" to ME is more about Francesca Findabair (muffled yelling) and her decision to forsake the Scoia'tael completely from Dol Blathanna

Because we won't back down, we won't run and hide Yeah, 'cause these are the things that we can't deny I'm passing over you like a satellite, so catch me if I fall That's why we stick to your game plans and party lines But at night we're conspiring by candlelight We are the orphans of the American Dream, so Shine a light on me

This is a life that you can't deny us now

(Rise Against)

as u can see i have many thoughts about him all the time and this isn't even all of it for this set of songs but anyway :3

[onlyplatonicirl]

"Please, tell us what happened." Lorel blinked her eyes, trying her best to keep them open, but the hospital lights were a little bit too bright for her to fully process. Around her bed stood a crowd of her close friends, those who had worked so hard to find her. Shandy sat at her side, within hugging distance. Lorel laughed a little bit, rubbing at her eyes and trying not to disrupt the IV. "I love you all..." "We love you too, Finchi," said Asteria, leaning down to give Lorel a quick hug with tears in her eyes, despite the fact Lorel had told her over and over again not to cry. She inhaled, and began telling her story. "They had taken me while I was asleep. When I woke up I was tied to a chair, and couldn't use any of my magic. At first, I wasn't worried. I knew I would find a way out eventually. There's been a lot worse in my past than a few ropes. I didn't know who they were but it didn't concern me that much. Of course I was scared, but I wasn't going to let them see that. That would just give them what they wanted. Closing her eyes, she kept talking. "It was dark and cold and lonely, and while that itself didn't really bother me, I was more concerned about what all of you were doing. At one point I figured out how to remove the cloth they had put in between my teeth and looped my arms in distance of my mouth, and I started chewing on the wires. Not the most glorious or cinematic way to escape, but I was out of options. I figured once I had my magic, I could just bust out of here and set the entire building ablaze and reduce it to nothing but a few ashes." "But I was too late." A pause. She shifted in the bed, coughing a little bit. All her external wounds had been healed, but there was still a lot of internal and soul damage that seemed to be beyond simple repair. "When I saw my captor, I started laughing hysterically, but apparently that pissed her off. She had a copy of Shandy and Zen haul me off into this weird looking room, but by that point I was starting to lose consciousness, everything became a blur. I didn't remember anything, maybe it was a gas. Do blockheads breathe? Anyways, they started doing something to my soul. I could move and they left me all alone. I don't remember what it looked like but there was metal everywhere, restraining me. And that's when it started hurting. "It burned unimaginably bad. It felt like water was filling my brain, blacking me out, all my senses were dulling. My chest felt like it was going to explode, and based on what you described, it does sound like a few blood vessels burst. Nothing felt real, my body didn't feel real. There were eyes all over my skin. I started knowing things about the world I didn't know before, I could feel myself coming apart under it all. It kept growing and growing and growing until finally I caught a glimpse of her - the other me. I could see things from her eyes. And I saw all of you below. And something happened. "It was hot. But cold. It was everything but at the same time I didn't even exist. By the time I was lucid, the entire building was rubble. It was burnt to the ground, everything twisted and destroyed beyond repair. I could barely stand up. Every flick of my fingers set something on fire or trapped something in a wall of dry ice. I had no control anymore. I was unstable and volatile. You guys were the only ones who could control it. "So I fled to the place I knew you would check next. I kept my hood drawn - I didn't know who was in on this scheme to keep me contained but I wasn't going to take any chances. During the nights I couldn't sleep. I was almost physically incapable of sleep at that point, so I'd let out all the pent up energy I had repressed that day in the more isolated parts of the woods. Trees would erupt into flames, and where the grass met my feet it would flourish and bloom and grow blossoms and then almost immediately afterwards wither and die. Even my physical form was fluctuating. These were powers I never had in the past, and I felt like a ticking time bomb. I was losing myself. When you all finally found me, I was at my very limits. Any longer and I might have died." The room was dead silent. Lorel thought it was funny apparently and laughed, before rolling over. "I don't like you all staring at me, makes me feel weird about this whole thing. I'm tired now, and I want to take a nap. I'm sad that I won't be able to use any magic for several months, but it's alright. I'll have to start small when I'm able to get up and walk around again. Until then, Shandy and Asteria will be my fluffy blankies." Yawning, she closed her eyes before yanking up the blanket as far as it could go, getting cozy in the covers. "Love you all... I really mean it to. You're my everything..." And with that, she fell asleep again. -------------------- HI I WROTE THIS IN LITERALLY 13 MINUTES SO IT PROBABLY SUX LOL BUT UH YEAH THIS WAS SUPER FUN AND I HOPE WE CAN DO AN RP LIKE THIS AGAIN SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVEN THOUGH I BARELY PARTICIPATED UNTIL THE VERY END IT WAS STILL VERY VERY FUN AND HOPEFULLY THE NEXT RP WILL BE EVEN BETTER THAN THE LAST. THIS IS A RLLY DUMB EPILOGUE BUT W H A T E V E R IM GOING TO BE NOW Also I wrote the scene where her soul starts getting amplified based on my own experiences with anesthisia. It got pretty scary once - it was like i was suffocating and my face was filling up my water and im like "HAHA now that ive EXPERIENCED it I can write something along those lines TEN TIMES BETTER" so yes hello im very smooth brained - Lorel

[prcphetess]

greetings ladies, theydies, n gaydies !  it’s officially pride month / my birth month which means my power and chaos are both at their absolute highest so i apologize in advance :/  ANYWAY i’m hannah, i’m twenty but only for a couple more weeks, i’m kickin it in the est, n i use she/her pronouns !  now onto what you’re all here for ...

enter LOURDES CLEMONTE .

her app / bio are kind of Wild Rides but if ur in the business of reading i did send her app in the discord server n i also have Just her bio linked on her navigation tab as well as a stats page !! but i’ll try my best to summarize all the important stuff here !

also before we get started .. a quick TW for child loss, non-descriptive mentions of grooming, sexual harassment/assault, abuse, car crashes, n death and i THINK that’s everything

HISTORY.

it all started w her dad .. leopold clemonte.. in summary: fuck that guy !

he’s a hot shot author turned movie writer man but in order to gain all of his success he had to make a series of shady deals w none other than our petty king apollo

deal #1 was the life of her twin brother :(

deal #2 was her mother’s sanity aka she became like.. a ghost essentially who no longer speaks or interacts w anyone it’s very sad

deal #3 was meant to be lourdes 

now to backtrack a minute, our girl lou went to school to become a playwright bc her whole life she was desperate to make herself seem worthy to her father n unfortunately leopold knew this and used it to his advantage when apollo demanded he pay off his debt

leopold essentially groomed her to please apollo and promised that she would have a hand in his business forever if she could do tht so she was like okay :)

until .. apollo’s price got too high... u know... n she dared to say no and for that she was Punished

aka cursed

but more about that later

anyway bc she royally pissed off apollo by rejecting him, leopold ALSO lost all his help in being famous and had to turn to a famously wealthy family in california known as the grimaldis 

in order to get them to fund him, he forced lourdes to marry their son brooks who was Not A Nice Man 

2 years into their marriage brooks died in a car accident tht lou Might have caused.. for legal reasons i can neither confirm nor deny whether tht happened but the police didn’t charge her so do with tht what you will 

but she kind of went on the run anyway bc post-curse her doctors were like “nah this bitch is straight up crazy” and she knew her dad wasnt gonna b happy with her for another deal going sour so .. she ran !  and she’s kinda been hotel hopping between towns for the last 3 years trying her best not to interact w anyone !

CURSE.

lou’s curse is all abt prophecy baby !

okay so basically she can see the future of things/objects via touching them which was a whole big symbolic thing in the app bc she “deceived” apollo w her hands .. idk man here’s the line from the bio tht says it best

he  binds  her  wrists  and  says  because  it  was  your  hands  you  used  to  lie ,  now  your  hands  will  see  the  truth  as  he  renders  her  incapable  of  touching  anything  or  anyone  without  foreseeing  an  imminent  doom .  you  will  see  but  never  be  seen ,  he  says .  you  will  hear  but  never  be  heard .

ofc in true cassandra style, if she tries to talk to anyone abt her curse ever it’s like the earth swallowed her whole.. nobody can hear her.. nobody can see her.. nothing.. 

she also has absolutely no idea how to control it at all so like sometimes they’re very vivid images of something going to happen sometimes theyre more like bad feelings abt things .. it’s like a fun game where she never knows whats gonna happen and the prophecies ruin her life !

another quote bc im too lazy to resummarize things

the  general  rule  of  thumb ,  however ,  is  that  the  smaller  the  vision ,  the  easier  it  is  to  see  clearly .  small - scale  or  individual  prophecies  —  like  her  university  president  having  a  heart  attack  —  are  generally  more  easy  to  distinguish .  in  comparison ,  the  years  of  anguish  that  brooks  would  later  cause  her  were  much  harder  to  pin  down  and  presented  themselves  more  as  a  more  general  sense  of  danger .

 the only way she can stop it is with a literal.. physical barrier so she sometimes wears gloves but she can only have them on for a small amount of time before her body starts to reject it and make her Physically Unwell so she has to pick n choose man its unfortunate

EXTRA INFO.

man homegirl is Lonely.. big time... she’s just been avoiding human contact for such a long time she’s ALONE !

she has 2 major scars from the car accident, one on her left cheek from the windshield and one down her right shoulder/bicep from the window and both are very much noticeable :(

she very much loves this small town feeling bc she loves to b invisible and it’s so easy to in sleepy nowhere towns like this

she lives off the database property in like .. a tiny run down house that she’s putting all her time and energy into fixing up n she likes it a lot bc she hasnt had a home of her own in a long time

she also has a black cat named ernest, named after the play the importance of being earnest by oscar wilde

she’s also been working on a PLAY for the last few years, it’s a greek-esque tragic “romance” between the sun and the moon, where the sun is based on apollo and the moon is based on her and it does end with the sun realizing tht the moon is the only person w the power to eclipse him and extinguish him so get fucked apollo !

also speaking of writing she writes a letter home to her mom once every couple of months even tho like .. she can’t really read.. it’s very sad, lou is very sad, thank u for listening

ok this is already like .. stupid long.. so im gonna call it a day WHEW but thank u for reading n i think i’ve honestly already plotted w most of u but feel free 2 like this anyway n i’ll either slide into ur dms either to plot or just to say hey KSDJFSK :)

[theintelligentfool]

heyyyy im trying my hand at writing romance-ish stuff and posted the results! lmk what you think :)

“Oh, for the love of-” Ajax groaned, quietly, under his breath. The elevator door had opened to let someone in. And it was a face he’d recognize anywhere, even in civilian clothes.

It was none other than his archnemesis, Professor Sinister, the most dastardly supervillain in the city. His jet-black hair and cool blue eyes were the same as in-costume, as were his sharp facial features that his domino mask didn’t cover. His distinctive black cape and tuxedo-esque costume were gone, however, and in its place was a plain grey turtleneck and cream-colored jeans.

It was odd, seeing the Professor in casual civilian’s clothing, though Ajax had to admit it looked good on him. Not that the costume didn’t, but it was... oddly humanizing to see his archnemesis dressed like a normal person. Ajax had heard other people refer to the Professor as attractive before, and while he hadn’t disagreed, he felt like he understood those people a little better now. Not that it meant anything, of course. The Professor was his sworn enemy, evil, and all that.

The Professor didn’t seem to recognize Ajax, which was good, though it was uncomfortable standing right next to him in the small elevator. Ajax didn’t know what he’d’ve done if the Professor had recognized him. Have a fight, maybe? That’s what usually happened when they interacted. But the elevator was a small, confined space, and he was in civilian clothing. And also on the way to a job interview, though if Professor Sinister worked here, Ajax was fairly certain he didn’t want to anymore. He’d still go to the interview, of course, but if he could find anything else, he’d decline to work there.

The elevator stopped. Ajax checked the buttons. It was his floor. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see the Professor doing the same thing. The doors opened. There was nothing but a wall in front of them. Ajax didn’t dare speak, for fear of getting recognized, but internally he was cursing up a storm.

The Professor groaned. He pressed the ‘call’ button on the elevator.

“Hello? Can anyone hear me? The elevator is stuck between floors, assistance required.” 

It took a couple of minutes- a couple awful, agonizing minutes that stretched like hours- but there was a response. “Remain calm. The elevator is being repaired. It should be freed within five hours.” “Thank you.”

The elevator beeped again, signaling the call was over. Ajax could no longer contain his rage. “No! No, no, no, for Christ’s sake! I can’t be trapped here!” He started pounding, futilely, against the walls of the elevator.

The Professor looked at him, raising a single eyebrow. “Claustrophobic, are you? Anyway, don’t forget, you’re not the only one trapped here.” “I’m not claustrophobic at all, actually. And I am well aware that I’m trapped in here with you, of all people, by the way.” Confusion and concern flickered across the Professor’s face for a brief moment, an expression Ajax was usually thrilled to see. “Rude,” he said, after a brief pause. “What on earth do you mean, me of all people?” “Forget it.” Ajax huffed, sneering, before he sat down against the wall. “We’re gonna be trapped here for a while. I want to interact as little as possible in that while, if you wouldn’t mind.” “...Sure.” The Professor sat down as well, rolling his eyes.

A few minutes passed. Ajax was very pointedly not looking at the Professor. The Professor, however, kept glancing at him.

“I’m sorry, you just- you seem very familiar to me. Do I know you? Have we met before?” Ajax suddenly laughed. “You could certainly say that, Lefty.” The Professor suddenly stiffened. “But the only person who calls me th-” “It’s me, Teach. Now the big reveal’s outta the way, can you please shut up? Bad enough I’m stuck here with you and you’ll probably use my civilian identity against me, but can we at least not make it any worse than it has to be.”

The Professor sneered, his entire demeanor changed. “Whatever you say, Cap’n.”

Ajax didn’t even comment on the Professor’s mockery of his name. It’s Captain, and he knew it, as he would often point out. Captain Incredible, and don’t you dare forget it. But he just was not feeling up to a banter. “Listen, if you want to have a fight, go for it, but we’re both in civilian clothes and this elevator has barely enough room for the two of us to sit. Anything more than slapping is going to end up badly for the both of us.” The Professor blinked in surprise, another expression Ajax would have loved to see on him at any other time. “What, that’s it? No correction? No banter? Are you sure you’re actually Captain Incredible…?” He furrowed his brows. 

“Yes.” Completely deadpan, Ajax shut his eyes. He rubbed his forehead in a way he rarely felt the need to do in the presence of his nemesis, or while in costume at all. He felt a headache coming on.

Slightly stunned, the Professor went quiet. Thank God for that, Ajax thought. 

A few more minutes passed, when finally the Professor couldn’t take it. “Really? No banter at all? None? Not a single witty joke or sarcastic remark or flippant one-liner?” “Fine, here’s a one-liner: I’m really not in the mood for banter. Or, for that matter, conversation.” “Technically, that’s two lines.” “Listen, lefty, I told you- I’m not in the mood today.”

“Wow. I know I’ve always said you need to shut up and stop making jokes, but it’s honestly really weird not hearing them from you. Are… Are you okay, Cap?” The Professor looked extremely uncomfortable as he asked. Ajax laughed humorlessly. “Wow, lefty, asking your sworn enemy if he’s okay? Are you going soft? One wonders what that will do for your reputation.” He carefully dodged the question, not really feeling like lying, even to the Professor. “It’s just the two of us trapped in an elevator. My reputation is irrelevant right now. And if you try and tell anyone it even happened, I’ll deny it ‘till the day I die.” 

Ajax rolled his eyes, but he was feeling a little bit better. Their banter always seemed to lift his mood. “Can I ask a question?” “Go for it, teach,” Ajax said flatly. He wasn’t feeling that much better, though.

“Why do you call me ‘lefty’? Literally no one else does and I have always wondered. I’m not even left-handed!” The Professor gestured as he spoke, pointing at his left hand. “Oh, easy question. I thought you already knew. I looked up synonyms for ‘sinister’ online one day, and apparently it also means ‘left-handed.’ Who knew?” “That… that answer makes more sense than I thought it would,” admitted the Professor.

To this, Ajax simply shrugged. He didn’t really have enough energy to continue the conversation.

About an hour passed in silence far more comfortable than sitting practically right next to your sworn enemy should be. After a while, the Professor even brought out his phone. 

“You know there’s no real signal in here, right?” “I know, I’m just playing Tetris.” “Shut up, there is no way in hell that you, the officially most dastardly supervillain in the entire city according to a recent census poll, literal evil incarnate, genuine public nuisance, disruptor of the peace, actual literal supervillain, child kidnapper, the world’s worst jerk, the guy-”

“You done?” “-with the literal worst score in the history of ratemyprofessor, horrible interrupter of sentences, frequent guest star in children’s nightmares, plays freaking Tetris.” “I have hobbies outside of evil, you know.” The Professor seemed vaguely miffed. “Sure you do.” Ajax over-exaggeratedly rolled his eyes. 

A few more moments of comfortable silence passed, marked only by the very faint Tetris theme playing from the Professor’s phone. Ajax resisted humming along, for the most part.

“Okay, wait, hang on, what’s your high score?” He had to ask. “Eh?” The Professor paused his game and looked up, tilting his head slightly to the right. “On Tetris. Your high score.” “378,067. Why?” Ajax checked his own phone and compared scores. “Oh, damn it!” “Oh? Do you happen to have a lower high score than I do?” The Professor did a full-on evil cackle, at least partially for comedic sake. He was really good at the manic cackle.

“By literally thirty points. I swear to God-” “Ha! This is great. You’ve practically admitted your inferior intelligence to me.” Ajax went bright red. His intelligence was a sore subject. “Thirty points is almost nothing, and you know it.” “But do you? That’s the real question. Can your tiny monkey brain comprehend numbers properly?” Ah, yes, the most antagonistic side of their banter, usually where the Professor mocked some trait of Ajax’s, and Ajax would respond with a rude comment of his own. It was always about as good-natured as the rest, but for this particular topic, Ajax was a little less willing to crack jokes or put up with harsh comments. “I don’t know why I’m even talking to you.” “Exactly: you don’t know. You’re incapable of using logic and reasoning. Something unsurprising to anyone who’s known you for more than ten minutes.” The Professor grinned, all teeth. “Just… Just shut up, alright? I really don’t need to hear any more comments about my intelligence or lack thereof today, okay? Please?” His voice cracked a little, and internally, he cursed himself for it. The Professor blinked in surprise. This was not a usual occurrence. Usually, the two would match each other, comment for comment, attack for attack. It rubbed on them both the wrong way whenever the dynamic became unbalanced in either direction, Ajax knew that much. It always made him feel guilty, somehow, when it was unbalanced in his favor. He wasn’t sure about why the Professor disliked it, though. Ajax liked to think the Professor also felt bad when the dynamic was unbalanced in his favor, though that was just wishful thinking.

The Professor, in a surprising turn of events, shut up.

“...Thank you.” Ajax mumbled, quietly.

The Professor nearly jumped in response to the thanks, looking startled, and then like he finally had the last piece of a puzzle.. “You’re not Captain Incredible! You’re some sort of clone! That explains the lack of proper banter, too… You’re an insult to his name!” The Professor leaped to his feet, seemingly ready to attack. Ajax raised an eyebrow. “Since when do you care when my name is insulted? Half the time, you’re the one that’s insulting it.”

“It’s not your name, it’s the Captain’s name.” The Professor wrinkled his nose in distaste.

Ajax rolled his eyes. “Is this the part where I’m supposed to answer a question only I would know the answer to?” “Very funny, clone. What have you done to the real Captain Incredible?!” “Again, since when do you care what anyone’s done to me? You’re the one to... do things to me, for lack of a better way to phrase it, well over half the time.” “I’ve done nothing to you, clone. That accusation might be fair game if you were the Captain. But, as you are not, that accusation is null and void and meaningless.” The Professor glared. “I swear to god, lefty. This is getting old fast. I’m the real me, the real Captain Incredible, you got me to admit it live on the elevator camera that may or may not exist and the microphone that may or may not exist. Well done, you did your evil scheme, but jokes on you, I have stopped caring.” The Professor seemed a little startled. “What evil sch- Oh, actually, that would have been fairly clever…” The Professor paused for half a moment, considering it, before snapping out of it. “But no, I wasn’t planning on anything like that. And that’s another proof you’re not the real Captain, you don’t care about his secret identity. I once saw him nearly- key word, nearly- kill a lower-level villain for even implying he knew his name. At least stand up and fight me or something instead of just sitting here.” Ajax did not stand up. “Wasn’t my proudest moment.” He shrugged.  “Listen, Prof, I’m telling the truth. I’m me!” He exclaimed, exasperatedly. “If you wanna know so bad why I haven’t been bantering or what have you and don’t really care about my secret identity even half as much anymore, you could've just asked! God, you’re so dramatic.” Ajax was not always against his nemeses’ tendency to err on the dramatic side of things, being a fair bit dramatic himself. But it was rather annoying at times. 

Ajax took a deep breath. “My girlfriend found out about my secret identity about a month ago and broke up with me. It was messy. It was horrible. My heart was broken. And to make it worse, she pulled some strings and got me fired from my job. I’ve been officially unemployed for the last three weeks because she was mad about me keeping a secret from her even though the secret could have cost her life. I’ve been a mess! She kicked me out of our apartment, too, and now I’m living with my old college roommate and trying desperately to get another job. I’m here to apply, actually.”

Ajax took another deep breath. “Today in particular’s been really rough because almost the entire time I was there at the apartment this morning, my roommate kept making passive-aggressive comments, mainly about my intelligence, which has always been a bit of a sore spot for me anyway.”

“What a complicated backstory for a clone.” The Professor narrowed his eyes. “Lefty, I swear to whatever god is listening, I’m not a clone. You know what, I’ll even tell you something to prove it, something I’ve never willingly told anyone who’s met Captain Incredible. My name is A-” “No.” The Professor shook his head vividly.

“Eh? It’s what you always wanted, isn’t it? Know my name, go after my family, make life a living hell for everyone I’ve ever loved? I don’t care anymore. I’ve got no real friends outside the Heroes’ League, my family disowned me years ago, and ‘everyone I’ve ever loved’ is a list that seems to be shortening itself.” “Look, clone, I don’t know how much of what you said is true, and I don’t care to find out. I owe the real Captain Incredible at least that much respect. I’m not interested in uncovering his identity, name or other details aside. And what’s more, I don’t want a clone of him telling me anything he doesn’t want me to know.”

Now it was Ajax’s turn to blink in surprise. “That was… honestly surprising to hear. And kind of nice, if I’m being honest. It’s nice to hear you hold me in such positive regard, lefty. I think I kind of needed to hear that at least someone does. That, and I think that’s the actual nicest thing you have ever said to me.” Why did he want to smile at that? It wasn’t that nice of a comment, and surely he couldn’t be that desperate for praise- from the Professor, of all people.

The Professor seemed to soften a little, before immediately hardening again. He sat back down. “I still don’t think you’re the real Captain, but you don’t seem immediately hostile.”

“Well jeez, real sweet. Not immediately hostile. This whole clone thing is driving me nuts, teach. How can I prove to you I’m the real me?”

“Well, obviously, you can’t. Any personal secrets, I wouldn’t be able to verify, and most of our interactions show up regularly in news articles.”

“Seriously? Nothing I can do? At all?”

The Professor thought for a moment. “Fine. A question only you and I would know the answers to. I thought of one.” “Well? Get on with it.” “Where did our real first battle take place? Not the one that got published and shown on TV, but the one with just the two of us where you called me a lily-livered cur.” A ghost of a smile seemed to flicker across the Professor’s face at the memory, but it was gone before Ajax could be sure. “Uh, hang on. I know it was somewhere by Central Park, I think, ‘cause there was that mugger and it was right by my apartment… Ha, that was when we still had our first costumes. Gosh, we looked so stupid. Anyway, final answer, Central Park, by the hydrangea bush. I remember it almost fondly, truth be told.” He probably shouldn’t remember it fondly. It was a battle with his archnemesis. But it was his first battle with him, and they’d both been so stupid about the whole thing, and it was funny to think about and somehow incredibly nostalgic. Which made it a pleasant memory, despite his knowing better. “Well, damn. It really is you. I mean, unless whatever pretending to be you is able to see your memories… Or you told someone and I didn’t know…” “Lefty. I’m warning you.”

“Fine, fine. Paranoia off.” The Professor mimed flicking a switch off, to prove his point. Ajax tried not to smile at that.

Ajax took a deep breath. “Does that mean you believe me about everything else now, too?” “Yeah, I guess so. Sorry to hear it, by the way. That sounds like it really sucks.” “You’ve got absolutely no idea, Teach.” Ajax chuckled humorlessly, but still managed to crack a small smile. And at that, silence fell over the two of them. Once again, it was a far more comfortable and companionable silence than any silence between two sworn enemies has a right to be.

“Attention, passengers of elevator 7B! There have been delays in attempts to fix the elevator. The projected time for your rescue is now ten hours. Over and out.” “WHAT?!” Ajax screamed. “No! No no no! Come on!”

“What, can’t stand any more time in my company? I’d rather thought we’d been starting to get along.” “We’re still sworn enemies, you know. And I still don’t like being trapped for ten hours with anyone.” Ajax sighed. “Besides, you’re still evil.” He said that as much to say it to the Professor as he did to remind himself of the fact. “And what exactly is that supposed to mean?” The Professor asked, clearly upset. Ajax briefly regretted his comment, but did his best to ignore it.

“You’ve still hurt people, stolen from people, committed heinous crimes against the citizens of this city. A villain’s a villain, teach. You were voted the official single most dastardly supervillain in the city for a reason.” Again, Ajax was speaking to the Professor as much as he was saying it to remind himself. This man is not your friend, Ajax, he reminded himself. “Hey, y’know what? I’m the only prominent supervillain in this city, probably in this continent, even, without a death count. That’s gotta count for something.” The Professor almost looked genuinely hurt, but Ajax hadn’t seen him with that vulnerable of an expression before enough to tell. “I hurt people mainly when it is unavoidable. I’m mostly just about teaching everyone a lesson, you know that better than anyone. It’s not like there was any other way to get my message heard, and to get people to listen.” “Oh yeah? And what message exactly is that, huh?”

“The rich have done nothing for our city. Our country. The lower classes suffer, straining under the weight of the upper class, the 1%, and so does the climate. But apparently, pointing that out and trying to actually do something about that is villainy.” “No, that’s activism. Honestly, it's a great ideology, in theory, and I could respect you for it, but that’s not exactly what you’ve been doing. Kidnapping the mayor’s son, however, and holding him hostage? That is villainy.”

The Professor gave a shrug. “It’s the only way he would listen, and the only reason I did that was so I could get him to pass a law restricting pollution here in the city. But before I could even send the ransom note- and really, is it even ransom since I wasn’t asking for money?- you and several other quote-unquote “heroes” showed up to take the little brat back. I didn’t hurt a hair on that kids head, despite what you seemed to think, and I even went as far as going out of my way to prevent injury to him during his, however brief, stay. I didn’t even knock him out!” “I… I didn’t know that you weren’t asking for money,” Ajax said after a minute. He bit the inside of his cheek, trying to recall what the mission briefing had been like. All the director had said was that the Professor was holding the mayors son hostage. On one hand, it was still definitely evil to kidnap a child, but on the other, the Professor did kind of make a point. “Or what you really were asking for. And while I suspected, I guess I didn’t actually know that you also were going out of your way not to hurt him. The other heroes rationalized it by saying you hadn’t begun torturing him yet, or whatever, but I wasn’t quite sure. It’s a nice confirmation, I guess.”

“I’m sure it is.” There was little warmth in the Professor’s gaze. He seemed irritated at the subject having been brought up. “That’s not my only plot for a better life that you and the other quote-unquote “heroes” have foiled. It gets frustrating, sometimes. I mean, I have to keep up appearances and reputation, now, because if any other supervillain in the city gets the notion I’m not as sinister as my name suggests, or on the side for a better future at any cost, or what have you, I’ll be fed to the sharks. And I mean that literally.”

“Sounds gruesome.” “Oh, you think? I hadn’t noticed,” the Professor said, sarcastically. “Being an official villain has its perks, though. I get my message out, some people listen, and I get the resources of the Villain’s League. I mean, it’s not easy having everyone in the city who doesn’t live under a rock hate everything about you, but I have a decent disguise- though I’m not really surprised you recognized me- and no one’s figured out my identity yet. I’ve never really been one to care about others' opinions of me anyway.” 

Ajax didn’t really know what to say. The Professor was trusting him a lot with this information, and he didn’t know what to do with it. Mostly, he was trying to make peace with the fact that just about everything he thought he knew about his archnemesis was wrong. Practically the only accurate things he actually knew about him prior to this encounter were that he looked good in spandex (not that Ajax would ever admit this to anyone), he had a wry sense of humor that was sharp enough to cut, and he had a hell of a right hook. Almost everything else was a dumb assumption about ethics. Ajax honestly kind of felt like he owed him an apology, at this point, but didn’t know how he’d take it. 

But he couldn’t just not say anything. 

“That… Honestly sounds really rough. I’m sorry to be one of the people that made it rougher.” The Professor seems thoroughly surprised. “The Captain, apologizing? Are you sure you’re not a clone?” After one look at Ajax’s expression, he chuckles. “Kidding, kidding.” 

“I may not agree with all of your decisions, and I’ll still try to stop you when you’re plotting to take over or what have you, but I can understand your intentions are noble. I’ve made too many assumptions about you, I think, and your villainous title.” 

The Professor paused for a moment, searching for the right words to respond with. “...Thanks, Captain. I’ll be honest, I still disagree with how you’re going about heroism, but I can also sort of see how you’d think that I can respect what you do.” Ajax was surprised not to detect the expected note of condescension in that last remark.

“And what more could I really hope for?” Ajax smiled, one of the few genuine smiles he’d ever shown to his nemesis.

“A higher score on Tetris, maybe?” Ajax’s expression very quickly became a comical, over-exaggerated scowl. He retained composure for about a minute before he burst out laughing. The Professor joined in laughing too, and for once, it wasn’t a maniacal cackle. Ajax decided he very much liked the sound of it.

A few hours later, filled mostly with silence and partially with a comfortable conversation and banter, Ajax checked his watch. It was nearly 11 at night. So that’s why he was so tired. He leaned against the elevator wall. “So, how much longer should it be, now?” “Maybe an hour and a half. Are you really comfortable sleeping right here in the elevator?” “That should be enough time for some shuteye. I’m very, very tired. I think I’m comfortable with most sleeping positions and places right now.” “Fair enough, I suppose. But still, with another person right there? Your sworn enemy, no less? There’s no way you trust me that much.” “Don’t be ridiculous. If you were going to try and attack me, you’d’ve done so already. Admittedly, though, if you’d asked me this morning if it was even a possibility, I’d’ve laughed in your face and called you an idiot.” Ajax shrugs. “The elevator rules seem to be different than normal fight rules.” 

The Professor nodded in agreement. “Oh, and speaking of normal fight rules, are we ever going to be acknowledging this? Whether vaguely in public ‘something happened’ or by simply agreeing to go a little easier on each other?”

Ajax paused for a moment. “That’s a good question. Well, I don’t think we can acknowledge it to the public or any news outlets, that just feels like a violation of privacy. And if we go easier on each other, are we still archnemeses? Do we have to get new archnemeses?” The Professor scoffed. “Don’t be ridiculous. I could never be happy with another archnemesis. You’ve spoiled me for anyone else. None of them will have the same banter.” “Honestly, I feel much the same.” And more besides. Their rivalry was a relationship he didn’t really want to lose. Even before the elevator, he’d considered them to be very good rivals. They knew each other, shared a sense of humor, and had enough respect for one another that neither evil schemes nor heroic plans ever went too far. That was more than what he could say about most archnemeses. Of course, they still hated each other, or had hated each other, but there’s a very special kind of hate for an archnemesis. Sure, you’re against everything they stand for and they could say the same of you, but you just sort of clicked together and, on special occasions, could almost be like friends. Friends who hate each other, sure, but still. “Couldn’t get the same theatrics from Molerat, now could I?” That, and somehow, the idea of the Professor fighting someone else the same way the two of them fought made him uneasy. He’d almost say jealous, but that’d be ridiculous. Possessive, even more ridiculous.

But not unaccurate in either case, not entirely. Ajax chuckled inwardly at the thought. “Ugh, don’t even speak his name to me, Captain. He is the worst. He threw dirt at everyone at our last Villain League dinner party.” “Oh? Do I have a competition for my rivalry?” Ajax joked. He did his best to sound casual, but honestly he really hoped not. Sure, probably not, he trusted the Professor at least that much, but, well, still. He was too tired for this.

The Professor put his hand to his chest, miming a scandalized expression. “Why of course not, Captain. Besides, didn’t I just say you’d ruined me for anyone else?” Ajax laughed, before trying to get back into character to finish the joke. “A filthy liar like you’d say anything to fool me, Professor. How can I trust a word out of your mouth?” The Professor gasped, trying to hide a grin. “How could you say such a thing? I’d never lie! Not to you, Captain, never to you.” Ajax made a show of softening his expression. “Oh, Professor, you know I didn’t mean such harsh words. My rage got the better of me again. I know you’ve been faithful.” They both burst out laughing. “Well, I don’t know what that was, but that was fun.” The Professor said, miming wiping a tear from his eye.

“I think it counts as improv. Hey, wasn’t I about to go to sleep?” “Oh, I suppose you were. Still, there’s only an hour left before we get rescued. Is that enough time to sleep?” “Enough time to try, at least.” Ajax yawned and stretched his arms- difficult, due to the cramped nature of the space, only narrowly missing the Professor- and leaned into the corner of the elevator. He shut his eyes.

Next thing he knew, the elevator was moving. They reached their floor. “Haha, yes!” Ajax pumped his fist excitedly, tired as he was. He stood up, slowly, stretching his legs. The Professor stood up as well, a ghost of a smile on his lips.

“Ready to go to your job interview, Captain?” “Eat sh-” Ajax cut himself off, suddenly remembering they were in an office workspace he’d been about to apply to. “Language!” The Professor gasped again in mock scandal. 

“Yeah, yeah. Anyway, what were you here for? I know I was here for the job interview, but were you? Or do you work here?” “Oh, I work here. I was on my way to my cubicle. But, as it’s past midnight and no fault of mine I wasn’t able to get anything done, I’m just going to go home.” “Yeah, that seems reasonable. If you were anyone else, I’d tell you to be careful, shady stuff happens to people who walk around the city after dark.” “But you wouldn’t tell me? I’m wounded, Captain. Do you not care about my health?” “Somehow, Professor, I don’t think you’re in any danger from anything shady this city has to offer. Most dastardly villain and all. You’re practically half the shady stuff that goes on after dark, no?” “No, actually. I’m usually at home after dark, and at this time of night I’d be asleep. With very few exceptions for very special schemes.”

“Fair enough,” Ajax conceded. They walked together, talking all the while, until they reached the doors.

“Good night,” The Professor said, smiling.

“See you tomorrow, maybe?” Ajax offered. 

“Oh, I dunno. None of my proper evil schemes will be ready by then.” “Aw, that’s a shame. See you when your schemes are ready, then.” “Oh, I might think of something for tomorrow. Maybe I’ll rob a bank, that’s a classic.” “I look forward to stopping you.” And he honestly did. Ajax grinned, not entirely intentionally.

“See you then. Be careful, by the way. I heard shady stuff happens to people who walk alone at night after dark...” The Professor said, cryptically.

“Ha, ha.”

And so, the two of them parted ways. They’d both agreed to never speak of the incident to anyone, and Ajax trusted that neither would.

[hobimysun-shine]

bts as billie eilish songs

I love both artist so much because they are so diverse, so driven and in love with their art, so here’s what my mind created at 2am when i actually gotta study for an exam, but anyhow, enjoy

Jeon Jungkook - Ocean eyes 

“Can't stop thinking of your diamond mind Careful creature Made friends with time”

- color scheme: Venice lavender; purple rain; valor blue 

- grey clouds, quiet ocean, salty air, cold sand, bare feet, long sweater, careful wind, watery eyes, 

- angelic, naive, trusting, incapable of stopping emotions

- a feel of uncertainty for the future, because you still have so much to experience in life, it’s hard to know who to trust, where to go and what your tears mean, who you should give them to 

- young love, pain

- it basically speaks of someone who is impressed by another human - love based on instinct and intuition, when you’re young you just feel things, even if you don’t know where these emotions come from (jungkook-namjoon relationship) ; 

- trusting someone by the feeling you get around them, without being able to trust your common sense,

- have you seen jungkook’s beautiful, ocean, doe eyes ?? (if not, then wth you doin’ with your life))

Park Jimin - idontwannabeyouanymore

“I just wish you could feel what you say Show, never tell But I know you too well Got a mood that you wish you could sell

Tell the mirror what you know she's heard before I don't wanna be you anymore”

- color scheme: pale smoke; scotch mist; apple blossom 

- cold air, morning dew, raindrops at the bottom of your window, the fabric softener your mom uses to wash your sheets, soft breathing on the side of your neck, white mirrors 

-  self-persuasion, self-critique, inner conflict, serenity, content, libra’s aesthetic approach

- if you have listened to lie and looked at the lyrics, you know why i chose this song for jimin 

- you basically get the feeling that the person is speaking to himself in this song, trying to find an answer, as to why he puts himself through all these hardships, when he could break free from this vacuum of perfectionism he created for himself

- let’s be real, we all know what jimin had to go through and maybe is still going through with being too harsh on himself, with his body image and his appearance on stage, i hope he is doing well now and is content with himself, cause he is a 100/10 and we all love him so much 

Kim Taehyung - hostage; my boy 

“I wanna be alone Alone with you - does that make sense? I wanna steal your soul”

“ My boy's an ugly crier but he's such a pretty liar”

- color scheme: concord purple; red wine; aurum gold

- big windows, night sky, city view, studio apartment, dark walls, smell of acrylic paint, ripped jeans with that paint splattered on them, acoustic guitars on the walls, quiet jazz music, film paper smoke, deep laughter, strong arms around your waist

- artistic freedom, no fear of judgement, mutual understanding, chest butterflies, assurance, hope, soulmates, in tune with your emotions, who cares if the world doesn’t get us, we get us

- hostage just reminds me of two people, who connect on a soul level so much, that what happens is their love turns into mutual engagement, similar to keeping each other as hostages in their hearts, however i wanted to turn the meaning of that song less toxic for taehyung,, 

- i believe that if there’s a member that would want to connect with people in such level as the song suggests, it would be taehyung

- as for my boy, idk it just gives me a similar base line as in singularity, and i don’t know it’s just probably my fave song of billie and i feel like it is just taehyung’s vibe when i listen to it 

Jung Hoseok - bellyache

“ Everything I do the way I wear my noose Like a necklace I wanna make 'em scared like I could be anywhere Like I'm wreck-less

I lost my mind I don't mind “

- color scheme: marigold yellow; apricot orange; candy red

- summer heat, tan skin, blushed cheeks, endless roads, loose shirts, scratched knees, rich kids away from home, one backpack and a shiny red ford convertible from your bf’s dad’s garage, loud music, lips, swollen from kissing, night fireworks

- fed up with everything, escape from reality, that one summer you will never forget, vibrant love, point of no return, rhythm, gut intuition, boldness 

- i don’t know exactly either, it’s just these are the connections i make when i hear this song, and all of that screams hobi to me (aries moon) 

- also am i the only one who imagines he would make a killer dance routine to that song (but again he could probably dance to a water drops going down a pipe, so,,)

Namjoon - bury a friend; copycat 

“What do you want from me? Why don't you run from me? What are you wondering? What do you know? Why aren't you scared of me? Why do you care for me? When we all fall asleep, where do we go? “

“ Perfect murder, take your aim I don't belong to anyone, but everybody knows my name”

- color scheme: pearl river; silver fox, steel wood

- empty stage, burning projectors slowly being turned off, microphone heavy in your hand, as the words that went though it start to make sense, sweaty hair, footsteps echoing in the vast space, feeling of falling down, unexpected, but comforting hug, security, the calming scent of someone you know in this new environment, tears of fear and excitement at the same time, new life, new beginning

-  words said out loud, revenge, mixed feeling of content and fast approaching emptiness, always racing thoughts, insomnia, trying to fill a void, searching for an overall meaning, 

- so bury a friend is just has all these questions man. they remind me of rm’s mind. i feel like all of them are things he had already asked himself, or themes he implies in his songs too 

- copycat is for namjoon swiftly leading a group that got a ton of criticism in the beginning and is still getting hate, but regardless he manages to stay on top, write what he feels, be a real artist and throw everything people said about bts failing back at their faces 

Min Yoongi - lovely ; you should see me in a crown 

“Oh, I hope some day I'll make it out of here Even if it takes all night or a hundred years Need a place to hide, but I can't find one near Wanna feel alive, outside I can't fight my fear”

“ You should see me in a crown I'm gonna run this nothing town Watch me make 'em bow One by one by, one”

- color scheme: marble white; smoke ember; royal silver;  

- dark room, cold hands, shaky breath, unable to look at each other’s eyes, fear of the outside and the inside, pocket money, long fingers pressing the out-of-tune piano keys, weary smiles, small steps

                                          (....)

 steady hands, marble walls, scent of freshly printed documents, looking through a box of old photo albums your mom sent, turning the pages a larger hand stops you from flipping the next page, two teenagers than look awfully like you two are staring back fearfully, low chuckles, eyes full of love  

- strong minds, growth, stability, strength, control, prosperity, hard work, passion, ambition

- lovely is in here because i feel like it portrays struggles with mental health and depression very well. you feel trapped and you feel like there is no one else who understands your personal hell and you are the only one who has to find a way for yourself to get out of that place. yoongi has been in such places before as we’ve heard from him and his lyrics, so i though lovely represents his struggles when he was younger

- you should see me in a crown. literally that’s all i can say, he worked for his success and he got it and he deserves it and he is killing it right now

- yall don’t know the amount of respect i got for this man and everything he has been through and i feel like these two songs portray his lowest and his highest in life and take account every struggle along the way and how he truly deserves everything he has right now 

Kim Seokjin - when the party’s over

“ Don't you know I'm no good for you I've learned to lose you, can't afford to

Don't you know too much already I'll only hurt you if you let me

Quiet when I'm coming home and I'm on my own I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that”

- color scheme: night snow, onyx black, muddy grey

- smell of liquor, messy steps, blurred vision, flood of thoughts, the darkest time of the night, dried streams of tears on your cheeks, your boyfriend’s hand quietly holding yours, but them you have to split ways, walking alone on the dead street, cold wind air hitting your face, but you find comfort in it, you reach home, but you can’t seem to go in; so you sit on the sidewalk, looking down; you hear distant steps; he sits down in the snow next to you; the sky slowly, but surely becomes lighter 

- quiet sadness, deeper understanding of the world, human relationships seem harder, yet simpler, timeless feeling, a sense of maturity

- this song is just a masterpiece. hear me out, i don’t think i would understand this song as well as i do now, if i have listened to it a few years back. I would have been like “oh yeah it’s sad”

-But like. no. It’s not just sad. It’s a song that shows so much maturity and experience with life that first of all, idk how billie is so young and is able to create music like that. Second of all i don’t think anyone else of bts would fit better to it, than jin 

- people tend to overlook his deeper emotions because he tends to distract from them, he always acts “silly” and tells jokes, but i feel like in songs like epiphany and awake we can see that jin really sees the world and his abilities from a much more mature point of view than other members. And i get the same vibe from billie’s song, so i feel like it would fit best for jin. 

So actually this was way longer than i planned, but yeah, this is just strictly my opinion and it was just an idea i had at 3am now, as i said, hope it’s fun to read :))

im off to bed, because i’m so sleep deprived i will start hearing colors soon 

[letsdiscoverkitty]

08.05.19//Appointment

Today has not been my day in the slightest. 

I had a morning appointment with the EDP and got weighed for the first time in 3 weeks...I had already cried a few times before the appointment because I was feeling so numb/empty/lost/tired of everything and incredibly alone/unsupported. To keep it short: things are not looking good and I lost a bit of weight since last time. 

I will admit that whilst away in Cornwall I did slip a little, although not hugely, however it has had a bit of an impact and has left me in even more of a pitt than I was in before.

The session was meant to be in a cafe but she arrived late so we stayed at the site after getting all the physical bits done as there was little to no point going out as there wasn’t enough time. Anyway, the session started as a bit of a talk about cornwall (positives and negatives) and then because of my weight it turned into a long discussion about my review next week and what my thoughts are about everything, which then culminated in her basically trying to talk to me about hospital and inpatient (which is never a nice conversation to have). I got very defensive but she kept pushing. I ended up getting really conflicted and confused about what was ‘best’ for me/what might help (we were talking through pros/cons (kind of but not really)). 

She then decided that she would try to back me into a corner and pretty much force me to sit there and eat something. I am sorry but I do not deal well with threats or someone trying to push me into something like that. It was a horrible conversation and I know it is her job to try to support me but fucking hell there are ways to go about it. And trying to tell me that I need to take some first steps and do it right there and then and eat something in front of her is not how to go about it....or at least there is a line that can be crossed. She admitted that she was not very with it today and it showed as she was completely oblivious to the presence of any sort of line, crossing it by a clear mile. I do not deal well with threats and people trying to force me into corners. nonono.

She was putting words in my mouth, saying things that were not true and was making me feel like even more of a failure. I got upset numerous times during the session and ended up leaving at the end without really tying up the session as I could not deal with it anymore. 

It is not that I do not want to make changes, I hate everything right now, yet for one reason or another (probably mostly physiology related) I keep hitting walls and blocks and going around in circles. I ended up getting confused and unsure about what is for the best, and ended up crying my eyes out because I am so tired and don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like such a failure. There is a small little part of me that does kind of think that maybe I do need something but then again I know that IP is not a magical fix or answer...you always have to come out, it is a fake environment, it hasn’t helped me much in the past, it has to come from you, you have little to no say in anything, taken out of home, stuck around others who are unwell...I could go on. We talked about where it could be and the main two she mentioned were either the priory HG or St Annes (they also use The Bethlem and VS). I don’t know. I really don’t know. Everything is so loud and messy and my head has been on a rampage ever since. Nothing is decided, it’s all just theoretical before my review next week. My consultant has made it clear in the past that she does not think IP is the right thing for me, a comment that she has made more than a few times and that has stuck with me...the EDP today told me that because of how low my weight is now and that it has dropped means that it is very serious and that she is sure the consultant will agree...I on the other hand do not think so. 

I have another appointment on Monday and then my review on Thursday. Idk. Tbh I really do not find this EDP helpful in the slightest. There is no help on motivation to change or actually support around meal plans and decisions/choices... right now that is one of the biggest block; I have no motivation, no drive. I do not want to make changes because I cannot see outside of each moment/I am so stuck in the anorexic fog. I am literally just bumbling through and holding on and barely getting through the days. I know so much of it is linked to my physical health and how it is impacting my thinking and it is beyond frustrating. Even writing this post I am getting all confused and unsure and lost and don’t really know what is right or wrong or what is for the best anymore :( I really really do not want to go back to hospital....but I know that the reality is that if I cannot turn things around drastically right now, that is where this is going. I feel like such a failure. Why am I so incapable of doing something I know exactly how to do? Why do I keep letting everyone down and messing up and getting everything wrong? I know how shit everything is now and that I will probably feel equally shit for making changes (so you ask, why not give it a go? - good question, I wish I could, and I keep trying, but I end up fucking myself over every.single.time.) I am so stuck. So lost. So unsure. So tired. And so beyond sorry. 

I realise that this whole post is likely riddled with anorexia and the malnutrition and I am sorry for being such a failure and a burden and for letting you all down time and time again. I am sorry for being rubbish and not replying to messages. I am sorry for not being able to turn things around and I am sorry for being such a stupid idiot that must be incredibly infuriating to watch going on. Im not really sure what else to say. I think I need to head to bed. I have an early GP appointment at 9am tomorrow (monthly check in) and the EDP was meant to contact me as they want my bloods done tomorrow (HCA wasn’t around today) and she was going to contact the GP surgery (I told her it was pointless) to get me booked in to get them done and what i surprise: I have not heard anything. She didn’t even try to offer advice on how to take the next few days, not meal plan wise, not mood wise, nothing. I get that I have been the same stuck record for weeks and they know I know what I need to do but knowing is not the answer. It is bloody hard to know it and then say it and apply it to myself. Sometimes WE ALL need some guidance. Some support. Like what do they expect? Tbh I think she has given up on me.  Ugh I actually hate the lack of services and support and postcode lottery. I know seeing more people or having a dietitian or whatever is not an answer but right now I feel so under supported and only have this EDP who literally does not get me at all (we did not get off to a good first start all those weeks ago when she accused me of lying about how much I eat and implying/saying that I ate “too much” for what my weight is....fs. yes I know I eat more than when a lot of people get admitted, hence why I do not want to go through that shitty phase of going in and being a complete fraud because my intake is not on the highly restrictive end and I know that is really disordered and messy to say but like yeah it’s shit.)  I am so beyond done with these bloody appointments and threats and people trying to put words in my mouth and then telling me I am not trying hard enough and know what I need to do. I KNOW. I BLOODY KNOW and I hate myself more and more each day for being such a failure/mess and not being able to do something as simple as bloody eat more. 

[tainbocuailnge]

seems I’m physically incapable of thinking about fate extella without getting really mad about its wasted potential so here’s my Official Non Exhaustive List Of Ways To Fix The Damn Game

ok so story-wise first of all make each story route at LEAST two stages longer, and maybe throw a few more scenes between stages too. it might throw off the story-gameplay balance a bit but like, it’s a type-moon game and the sequel to extra who the hell would go in NOT expecting a shitton of words. in nero route put those extra stages at the start of the route to make the “conquering the moon” part longer and feel more like a legitimate hard effort before altera comes in and undoes it all in a day so that altera actually feels like a threat of incomprehensible scale. that extra time should then be used to establish team dynamics and basic worldbuilding more, and also make archimedes feel more like a legitimate ally by like, actually having him there as an ally for a significant amount of time and also maybe making him a bit less suspicious bc I was on to him like 5 minutes from his introduction. nero route doesn’t actually have to pay a lot of attention to nero yet because you get to spend a lot of time with her again in secret route so that time should be spent on showing how the rest of the team interacts instead. it’s also important that altera at this point is presented mostly as a mindless killing machine with nero making a few cracks in that facade that get explored later, I feel like they made her too soft too early.

tamamo route could use another stage of conquering the moon before altera drops in too but since you already know of altera’s existence at that point the early section can be shorter than in nero route. again the team dynamics should be more fleshed out and this is also a good time to contrast nero’s team of passionate people who mesh pretty well and genuinely like nero with tamamo’s team of far more reserved, calculating, and straight up evil people who hate each other’s guts and are almost all planning to backstab her. since you as player already know altera is A Thing at this point this should be played as “will altera even show up on time to fuck their shit up before they self destruct?” in tamamo route the part where altera is There should be longer than in nero route so that you get a better sense of who she is and that she’s Not What She Seems because that’s tamamo’s thing too, nero is there to contrast altera while tamamo parallels her. tamamo and altera are similar existences in how they’re natural enemies of humanity and tamamo’s desperate wish to keep living a happy life with hakuno despite that should be the setup for altera’s same wish in the route after it. tamamo’s team has a lot of “I don’t like you because we’re too similar” going on so that should be played up more especially in relation to altera too to really drive it in that there’s more to altera than initially seemed.

then altera route even more so than the previous two should really ramp the team dynamics the fuck up because everyone’s motives for siding with altera are so fucking vague and they interact maybe ONE time, which I guess is to give the idea that they’re hardly a team at all but that can be shown through them being incredibly hostile to each other too especially since they all want to help altera somehow but have very different ideas of how to go about that. it also wouldn't hurt to have nero and tamamo team up to fight altera in this route already (but not until nearly all their generals are already dead and they still can’t win) to set up for the secret route by showing it’s not impossible for them to team up they just did it way too late this time

then the SECRET route, again, fucking again, should have done SO much more with team dynamics. you can’t just throw the whole cast of a game advertised largely as a team thing together and not show us the fucking team dynamics, eggplant man. this is the route where you actually spend some quality time with nero again to make up for not really doing that in her route and there should be a few more tamamo scenes to balance it out too imo bc shit boi i love nero too but the favouritism is blatant and painful. then for the endgame make the velber core an actual fucking threat instead of whatever weak shit it was now that we are TOLD is very dangerous so that the saber venus transformation feels justified, and after that have archimedes pull some shit and fuse with it or whatever so that you can take control of titan altera and beat him to death with her bare fists because “determinism versus free will” is an ICONIC fate/series fistfight and it needs to be had. also for the ending have the freed from her ties to the umbral star altera be a fucking adult??? what the fuck was up with the child thing?????????? it seems cute at first but the longer I think about it the weirder it is and I get that the idea is that altera is “reborn” & now has the chance of a complete new life to live as a person instead of a tool of destruction but why the fuck couldn’t ADULT altera, the altera that we actually know and love and who deserves it far more than a child with her face, get that chance. we married her. we literally married altera the fucking bridal symbolism around her is insane why would you make her a child!! why!!!!!

overall the game should flesh out archimedes’ motives more because as it is now most of the details of his character are explained in extella material instead of the game proper (not even in his side story rip) so he comes across as pretty one-dimensional. above all it should be clear that he’s always hated humans for their irrationality and that his corruption by the umbral star isn’t a reason so much as an excuse for his actions

everyone’s side stories should be at least one stage longer too because 3 stages is basically fucking nothing especially in light of how little attention the side characters actually get in the main storyline. I really wouldn’t have minded that as much if they would just get proper side stories but they don’t. side stories would be THE place to go into team dynamics too but it just doesn’t fucking happen!! i know you’re good at writing lots of words nasu why didn’t you do it!!!! there should also be short myroom scenes with the side characters or at LEAST changing myroom lines with your bond level for them or something, you have a bond level that goes up to 30 and it just doesn’t fucking get used for anything except install skills and some scenes for the main girls.

the regalia was a very blatant bullshit button throughout the story, which you kind of NEED when you’re facing the literal embodiment of destruction, but its powers should’ve been explained more clearly and also used more subtly instead of having characters do crazy shit and then handwaving it with a “we used the regalia of course”

then for the GAMEPLAY hoboy. first of all there should’ve been way more maps. as it is now there’s what, five locations? not including bossfights. the game keeps telling me about how much the moon cell is expanding and how there’s whole new worlds being generated every day but it doesn’t show me that, it just shows me the same remixed 5 locations. there should’ve been more variation in stage objectives too because now every time it just comes down to “complete the regime matrix and then fight the boss” and it gets stale really fast, even with gimmicks like time limits or bloodfort andromeda it still all comes down to “conquer sectors then fight boss”. something like “defeat x number of servants” or even just “survive” in between those would’ve spiced things up. 

speaking of the expanding world the game really would’ve benefitted from some kind of central hub area where you can walk around and talk to your teammates and maybe some npcs so that you actually get the feeling of the moon cell being inhabited by more than just the cast of servants and hakuno, because the game keeps telling you that but never fucking shows it. it also would’ve made it really easy to make the story feel longer without even making it all that much longer just because you can spend some time walking around talking with people instead of being sent right into the next battle, as well as creating opportunities to give side characters some attention/characterisation/anything without causing them to distract from the main story.

the bossfights are underwhelming as hell. the white titan doesn’t feel like much of an unstoppable threat at all which could’ve very easily been solved with her just like. moving forward during your fight with her and part of the fight being that you actually have to get her attention in order to fight her because you’re just so insignificant to her. don’t even get me STARTED on the fight with velber because that shit was pathetic, the only way a weak ass final boss like that would be justified is if it wasn’t the actual final boss and was MEANT to give a feeling of “wait was that all?” but honestly even then it’d be bad because why would you waste saber venus on something like that. ideally you first have the fight as it is now, then there’s a second phase where archimedes pulls some shit and you have a REAL fight as saber venus, then archimedes goes super saiyan and titan altera comes in to punch him in the dick

god im so mad I’m honestly so fucking mad because i LOVE this game. I really love it. but it’s so bad and rushed when it COULD have been so great