#im just tired of dealing with dysphoria and if i can make myself cis in fiction ? hell yea im gonna do it

[ponuchuu]

trans ppl who made their self insert trans is so valid and trans ppl who made their self insert cis is also valid

[gl00my-b0y-1]

i dont wanna be trans.

(TW: Vent, dysphoria, transphobia, sa?)

I hate that everything i do is automatically consider feminine even thought its not. When someone is nice to me i think its just because im a girl but if someone is mean to me i also think thats because im a girl. My whole life revolves around gender and i hate it so fvcking much, its so tiring that i have to try so hard to be seen as who i am. Being trans ruined my everything, my self esteem, my confidence, my personality, my ability to be happy without worring about being consider girly or feminine. Only one person doesn't missgener me all the time but i cant help but think they also dont see me as a boy just like evryone else. I hate being sexualised because of my body, why does my classmates act like im a wh0re. Everyone does it all the time. Why? I try so much to not look or act feminine as much as i can but i still fail. Its pathetic. Some people say that its just gender and it doesnt really make a diffrence so i can just be cis. No, everything in my life is about gender, passing, being masc enough. I've lost myself in it. I dont know if my feelings are real or is it just my dysphoria ad urge to be like a real boy. But i will never be a real boy. No matter how many surrgeries i could get i will still be diffrent. I will never fully belong to boys but i will also never fully belong to girls. I dont belong anywhere. I am alone and no one supports me, and no one will love me. And even if someone would love me its just because they see me as a girl or i am fet1sh to them. I hate getting so happy just because someone call me he instead of she, its so pathetic, after all its just a pronoun right? I hate relying my hapiness on other people calling me a he. No matter what i do i will never be like a cis boy, I will never pass half as good as other trans boys. I hate getting naseous every signle time i am forced to speak because my voice is so high pitched and annoying. I hate being so weak and fragile and being told i cant do something because im a girl. I dont wanna be a girl, I try so hard to be a real boy so why cant anyone see it? I dont wanna be around cis people because when i do i feel like all my feminine traits are even more vissible. I hate that cis people deserve to be so comfortable with their sex. What did i do to deserve all of this pain? Why some cis boys deserve all of this happiness even though they are complete assh0les and i dont deserve it? Why do i have to work so hard for something others have since they were born? I swear to god i would be so much better person if i was a boy, so why am i not? Why would someone curse me with this shitty body and mind? Why would someone hate other person so much to force them to live like this? to hate themselfes so much?

I dont understend people who say being trans is just a phase, i really wish it was. I wish it all was a choice but it is not and i gonna have to deal with this terrible dysphoria, missgendering, being made fun of every single day for the rest of my life.

I really hate being trans. Nobody deserves it.

[elytrafemme]

hello it is me the same annon who was too tired for their own good last night talking about cough syrup!

so hi, i’m still not fully caught up and i’m a little scared to be left off at a cliff hanger at this point (i just finished chapter 20)

but i’m here once again to say holy smaker doodle i love your writing soooo much!!!! like it’s hard for me to pin down but like every character feels so full??? i guess three dimensional but that just makes me think of floating geometric 3-d models.

this is one of the first things i’ve read where i’ve imagined distinct houses! huzzah!!

also i am loving cs!beeduo (the dynamic and the individual characters)

a random note is that when reading chapter 20?? 18??? (i’m forgetting which chapter has what specific event but i think it was 20) i noticed the random note that cs!ranboo had like been blessed with extra testosterone. and i was like yo!!! because im afab and actually have like a large “excess” of testosterone and for a bit i was put on hormone pills to counteract it? idk it was a while ago and i don’t go to the doctor about it because i don’t care about the side effects (got that not cis swag or whatever)

anyway the point of this (which i apologize if this above is tmi, i’m bad at recognizing stuff) is that i keep finding more and more ways to relate to cs!ranboo in very obscure ways but also i feel seen in obscure ways so hey, that’s a win!

also just everything in cough syrup feels so colorful??? like the descriptions and stuff, specifically of emotions and internal thoughts. colorful is the best word i can think of to describe it

i’m just having a great deal of fun and stuff reading, so i’m ever so grateful that it was written! i’m very excited to see this series through to the end!

(also as a last note im in love with the qpr rep and stuff because i never see it often, and i rarely see it portrayed in a relatable way)

OMG HIIII ANON HI!!! good 2 see u again!

fwiw the chapter coming out on tuesday isnt too much of a cliffhanger i would say? i am not great at cliffhangers so i dont tend to do them a lot LMFAO

OH MY GOD THANK U SO MUCH!!!!! i try to flesh out the characters as much as possible-- i felt honestly a bit bad having secondary characters just being flat, so i tried my best to give all of them a bit of story whether they're static characters (like techno) or dynamic ones (like niki)!! so that means a lot thank u so so much!

my pal sophia told me a while ago that they envisioned like a specific house too and thats honestly so so cool to hear cos like i only barely have a vision of what everyone's place looks like? so hearing that means loads <333

YES YES YES YES I'M SO GLAD U NOTICED THAT DETAIL! not too ramble too much about myself but i also have some health issues that may possibly pertain to my chemicals (that's yet to be seen) but that kind of set me thinking, like. i dunno i never really read anything that talked too much about that and i wanted to see how that element would intersect with cs!ranboo's perceptions of his own gender (not in like that being what controls these perceptions, rather if that gives him euphoria/dysphoria/nothing etc)! i'm trying to work on including more like diverse perspectives and experiences especially ones i haven't fully had and i do think in some ways that cough syrup lacks a lot of representation (wish i had written more physically disabled characters but i definitely think retconning in that is worse, just kind of a note for future me to work on) i've been working on that. and that's just something that i felt very alone in with my own experiences but even though it's not the same for csranboo as it is me i think that's even more reason to include it. if that makes sense? anyway i'm just glad u liked that <333

ohhhh im so glad... i love colors :D

im so grateful for U this made me so so happy thank u friend!!!

(ofc! i never knew a ton about qprs until i got into this fandom and learning that helped me with figuring out i'm arospec! i definitely try my best to write them as realistically as possible, there's a lot of variation in qprs but i def do my best yeah!!! really happy people like it ik everyone has their own thoughts on how cbeeduo is best portrayed in terms of relationships but i like switching it up and for what cough syrup is about and how i wrote those characters that felt really important to me.)

[heatabove-heatbelow]

im just confused bc saying GN implies a certain level of inclusivity, so when you make references to the reader having breasts and a vagina, it's not actually neutral bc you're still only catering to a specific identity

I can't sleep so I guess I'll deal with this.

You Are Divine is written about ME. I wrote it for MY body. I'm so fucking sorry that a fic I wrote for and about MYSELF to deal with my body wasn't inclusive enough for you.

I understand that You Are Divine cannot be read by everyone but it can be read by nonbinary AFAB people like me, trans men, trans women/AMAB nonbinary people who've had bottom/top surgery (or want to), and cis women. I understand your inclusivity wants me to include language that could also apply to people with penises but that was not the point of this fic the point of it was to help me feel more comfortable in my body.

Writing about breasts being loved in the way they were makes me feel better about my own even though I don't want them and they give me major dysphoria.

Writing about vaginas helps me deal with mine, which sometimes I hate and I wish I had a dick instead or no genitals at all.

Writing about thighs and bellies helps me with mine, which sometimes I feel extremely insecure about and can get so bad I daydream about cutting off my belly with scissors. I have cut my belly with scissors before because I hate it so much. I used to self harm on my thighs and belly because I hated them so much. I daydream about chopping my boobs off with scissors or knives and now I self harm on my boobs by clawing at them and picking the skin because I hate them but like I said, writing about them being loved can help with that.

If you're going to keep bothering me about the way I write smut then maybe I'll just fucking stop because it's not worth all this shit and I'm tired. I just want to love my body.

[canon-notcanon-warriorcats]

Im gonna come to you for this because you're honestly like an idol to me (Im sure you hate to hear that lmao) and I feel like you would understand. You're non-binary right? I can't remember if you spoke about it but you use "they/them" pronouns and Im gonna assume that for the sake of the question. Either way! I've been questioning identifying as something other than cis-gendered. How did you know? And have you told people? What's the difference between relating to and empathizing with a problem

oh my god klsnalksm;lakdns;am i’m so honored thank you, but really i’m no one to idolize i’m an unemployed adult who is stuck in life who makes jokes and shit posts about fictional cats but thank you sidjk;lsz;

sorry this took so long to answer i was too tired and i wanted to think on it for a while so i can answer everything well and be at least hopefully a little organized and my answers/explanations to be legible

also this is getting long so i’m putting the rest of this under the cut wheeeeeeeeeeeeee

Yes! I am (at least partially) non-binary, I’m genderfluid and for me in particular I’m a girl sometimes, both a boy and a girl mixed together, and something in between all at once and at different times depending on who knows what, i’m like when you put soda in a cup and then put all of the different fountain drinks in at varying amounts and you do that each time you go to the restaurant but with different amounts of each soda, but like it’s USUALLY a pepsi base

anyway, it took me a long time to know, or i guess realize that i wasn’t cis because i guess i didn’t know i could? but in hindsight there were a LOT of signs and starting when i was 17 i think i started dipping my toes in different gender identities after i found out about the term “demigirl” and that’s what i kind of stuck with for a while

and then i questioned myself like am i really trans? i’m afab and identify as a demigirl does that really count (yes it does) but anyway after i went to college i was like no i think it’s just because several of my friends were questioning their gender, i’m a girl, and it wasn’t until a couple years ago that i finally FULLY realized “no, my gender is fluid, and i am a girl PLUS somethings between boy and girl and sometimes they all mixed together, sometimes all at once, sometimes individually (though very rarely FULL boy)

some things that i recognize in hindsight were signs (or were just weird foreshadows/coincidences of me being a mix of genders and it’s amusing now) include:

-when i was like 7 or 8 or 9 or something i made an image of what i’d look like as an adult in my head (or just older since in my fantasy i was 13 years old because that was obviously old enough to be a billionaire and own a castle and adopt children and a million animals and be a pokemon master, but i thought of an adult body) and my face was pretty feminine but my body shape was very masculine, flat chest, rectangular body shape, wore men-styled-ish jeans, and thickish arms

-in 7th grade for “some reason” i spent several moments thinking about what would happen if one day i came in as a boy named michael (since that’s kInD oF the “male” or “masculine” version of my name) and if like they’d recognize me or if they’d change my name on the registration or if anyone’d get confused or anything, this was also the year i found out that sex changes were a thing, i think, either 7th grade or 6th grade

-and the big one(s) for like my ENTIRE LIFE, even to this day, i would feel so confused if a girl talked to me like i was another one of the girls, specifically if they would like ask if their shirt tag was poking out and asking me to fix it, or ask if their bra strap could be seen through their shirt, asking me if their hair or clothes looked okay, asking to walk to the bathroom with them, GOING to the girls’ bathroom in general, chaning in the girls’ sometimes even being called a girl entirely, etc. made me feel

weird

like an “i’m not one of you” or “i’m not entirely like you” feeling and i thought that it was just because i’m awkward and shy and anxious that i went into the wrong room and then later oh i’m just gay and then to my realization: “oooooooooooooooooooooooooooh that’s why” and “oh, i was anxious i went into the wrong bathroom/changing room, but i also felt like i shouldn’t be in that room anyway because i’m not just a girl or not entirely a girl”

i also have and had a lot of dreams where like i was either a guy, felt almost genderless entirely, or where i would for some reason go into male bathrooms/changing rooms even though i’m not a guy (entirely or mostly)

also i i realized my favorite shirts were the ones that made my boobs look smaller or less existent, my voice would confuse me, either it being too high or low and make me confused uncomfortable because it “didn’t fit” my gender, and sometimes being called a girl or someone saying i looked like a woman made and makes me uncomfortable, and i guess the most nsfw/graphic part of this is that sometimes i fantasize and/or wish i had like

a mix of genitalia and i wish i could change my breast size and upper body shape to be flatter/more rectangular, but it’s mostly the genitalia thing, the body shape changing parts don’t happen ALL the time and not as much, but still sometimes especially if i see someone’s more masculine body and i’m just like “wow i wish that were me”, though being overweight kind of helps in that because my body shape looks more neutral, if i was thin i might have more problems with that

also, especially lately for some reason i get very irritated or uncomfortable if certain people call me a girl or she/her, very certain people i’m okay with calling me a girl and she/her but to people i don’t know well or aren’t super close to i don’t want to be referred to as she/her i don’t want to be perceived as she/her i want to be referred to as they/them

a lot of people have much more intense feelings and it’s more obvious, but they can often times be a lot more subtle and it’s okay if you don’t have INTENSE feelings of dysphoria, there’s also gender euphoria, which i think i, personally, experience more than dysphoria

i like it when people act or refer to me gender neutrally, i like it when my chest looks flatter, i like it when people use they/them for me, i like it when i feel content about knowing that i’m not cis and that i’m a mix of genders, i like thinking of myself as a gender mutt/mix or whatever, it feels GOOD, euphoric

i guess it’s hard to tell if you’re empathizing or relating, and i can’t tell you which one it is since i don’t know the particulars and i don’t know you, but what i DO know, is like 99% of time, if someone has to ask themselves “am i cis?” or “am i straight?” the answer is “no” because cis or straight people almost never even think about it or question their identity and even if the answer DOES end up being “yes, i am cis” then that’s absolutely perfectly completely valid and fine, you figured out who you are and you were in a mindset and in a safe enough space that you could figure it out for yourself and find out more about yourself

and finally, as for the telling people thing, it depends on the situation, i don’t really talk about it in real life, none of my biological family knows because my parents have shown pretty transphobic and nbphobic tendencies and if i told my brother or his fiancee then they’d start treating it like it’s some special thing and basically do that straight people thing where they like overcompensate being happy for you or supporting you or where they start talking about their other friends who aren’t straight or aren’t cis and famous people or characters that aren’t cis or straight and like i can’t deal with that

all of my friends know though, and i’m open about online and i don’t have any significant other(s) to tell but if/when i get in a relationship and on dating apps i’m explicit that i’m non-binary and genderfluid and basically not cis and before i get in a relationship i plan on talking to them about it and being like “hey if you see me as a cis girl this will not work out” they’ll also have to respect my sexuality of course and see me AS bisexual and demiacearo, not straight if i’m dating a guy and not a lesbian if i’m dating a girl, never date someone who doesn’t respect your gender or identity or doesn’t see you as who you are, or won’t let you have some wiggle room to let you figure out who you are, so that’s an extra piece of advice there for ya

i hope that made enough sense! sorry this was long and i might have blabbered on, but i hope at least some of this helps!

[fipindustries]

my experience with my gender and my sexuality

because i think it is about fucking time i talk about this somewhere. this is a cheerful post, intimate sure, way too oversharing, certainly, but i like to think of it as joyous sharing because i feel like i can finally talk about this stuff freely and gosh ive been keeping so many things on the inside and now i just want to shout them to the world, consequences be damned

for years i have fantasized about becoming a woman. i will say it here now: i want to be a woman, i want to try it, i want to know what is like to look like one, to dress like one, to be called one, to be treated as one. if after a while i get bored of it, or tired or figure out its not my true self, or it just doesnt fit me for whatever reason then i reserve the right to back off and try something else. but for now this is my state of being and im going to share the story of how i got here.

my earliest memories of dealing with this confusion are about me reading a magazine talking about trans issues and me watching the movie “ma vie en rose” and “boys dont cry”. i was too young perhaps to be exposed to these ideas in such a candid and direct way. perhaps not mature enough to fully process or understand what i had seen, to the point that for most of my childhood i had this irrational fear that i would become a woman when i hit puberty. that my dick would just shrink into a vagina, that i would start growing tits, that i would get pregnant, etc.

i was a very unmasculine child, i didnt like sports, in fact i didnt like most typically boyish stuff. i thought muscles where gross, i thought violence and fighting was scary. i thought most boys played too rough for my taste. i was meek, shy, and a huge nerd. but i also had a strange rejection for most girly stuff. it was too soft and frilly and silly and pink and yucky. on top of all that, my understanding of trans people was mostly shaped then by drag queens and outrageous transvestites whose aesthetic, to this day, i find garish, over the top and unpleasant to look at. sorry, is just not something i identify with.

during this time i started to engage in all sorts of strange games as a child. i would start trying on my sister’s panties or my mom’s panties in the shower. i would created these elaborate scenarios where i would have all the stuffed toys in my room “kidnap” me, force me to give birth to them and then breast feed them.

cartoon shows that dealt with themes of gender bending held a powerful fascination to me, i particularly remember the fairly odd parents episode “the boy who would be queen”. i had this strange sense of love-hate relationship with it and anything on that topic where i just couldnt help to be obssessed with it but at the same time feel like it was illicit or transgressive for me to watch it.

then i hit puberty and a light switch went off. where instead of being scared or unnerved by those ideas i just kept obssessing more and more over them. i started googling everything i could about gender bending, about gynecomastia, about how to grow breasts with certain herbs or supplements. it was specifically on the breasts that i was fixated, i kept promissing myself that i would get them no matter what.

at the same time on the outside i was more than comfortable presenting myself as a boy, a geeky boy sure, but a boy all the same. i liked wearing high waisted pants, tucked in shirt and tie. i liked having short hair. i fantasized about growing a mustache. what’s more i definetly identified as a boy. i went to an all boy’s high school where we were taught stereotipicaly male things like working with heavy machinery, welding, general workshop engeneering stuff and i enjoyed all of it. i was still a huge outcast and not the manliest person but back then i figured it was because i was just a huge nerd.

i had no rejection of my body or the changes it was going through, i grew hair, limbs, genitals, etc and didnt thought much of it that i can recall, beyond a vague sense of not wanting to look too adult because it made me look too much like my dad, with whom i never had the best of relationships. beyond that socially i was a boy and had no issues fitting there.

i masturbated a lot, and a lot of those fantasies involved gender bending. usually boys growing breasts, boys being subjected to forced feminization, etc. there were other fantasies but those dont have a lot of bearing on the subject at hand. one of the things that excited me the most back then was to call myself a woman. to insist over and over that i was a girl. like the feeling that i was brainwashing myself into femminity was a huge turn on (this is why for the longest time i was convinced i was an autogynephile, and honestly, jury’s still out on that account). then, as soon as i finished i would quickly tell myself “im not a woman” as a strange way of “no homo” myself from my fantasies. i was still doing ocassional crossdressing whenever i was alone at home with my mom’s clothes, again, usually for the purposes of masturbation

i have been attracted to girls for the large majority of my life, it wouldnt be until college that i would experiment with boys too and found that i could enjoy that as well, but my main interest has always been consistently girls. yet a lot of the time my attraction towards girls would come from a place of envy. of apreciating how pretty they looked and wishing i could look that pretty myself. once i started college most of these fantasies came with me, i kept researching about gender bending and about ways i could try to gender bend myself. some times it was because of fetishistic reasons but a lot of the time was because i just found the subject inherently fascinating. it was like this that i came across a lot of information about trans people, back in like 2011 and when i first started to really understand them as a community and grapple with concepts such a gender dysphoria and such. back then i reached the conclussion that while i understood and sympathized with trans women, i was just a crossdresser because i didnt experience gender dysphoria and because i had never experienced anything even close to the feeling of “being a woman on the inside”.

what was more, it was around this time that identity politics really started to get traction, things like “die cis scum”, “yes all men”, “white men tears” etc started to be thrown around and, as someone who had been identifying as male for his entire life, i felt personally attacked by most of it. an immature reaction on hindsight, but a reaction that cemented in my mind the idea that i was a man and there were no buts or ifs about it.

i kept crossdressing, i kept fantasizing, i kept fetishizing. i even experiemented with auto hypnosis because i was realizing more and more that i was never going to be able to truly make my fantasy about becoming a woman real so was was willing to try anything that would get me even close to it. i cross dressed because i liked the way i looked, i liked the way the clothes felt against my skin, i liked the feeling of trying on a different role, one that was forbidden to me. as time went on i stated doing it less and less because of the sexual gratification and more for its own sake.

then the crisis came.

i wrote about this before, i saw a bunch of people i knew coming out of the closet at an advanced age, people like jacob chapman, the wachowsky sisters, even reading about the story of how allison bechdel. the idea of someone figuring out their identity way into their adulthood shattered my world view and it introduced me the possibility that i might be in the same situation, which led me to panic. all the crossdressing, the fascination with gender bending and with trans issues were strongly suggestive if nothing else, but back then i was just not ready at all to confront those possibilities so i supressed like a mad man.

three years later, here i am. during those three years i slowly and gradually came to grips the possibility, slowly losing my fear of what i might lose if i came out of the closet, slowly examining my self and comparing my story with the story of others in the community. finding differences but also finding a lot of similarities. for the longest time my trans ex girlfriend would insist that i was very much not trans because a lot of my experiences were very different from hers, such as the fact that i never had issues inhabiting the rol of a boy whereas her dysphoria had been strong enough to the point of suicidal tendencies for most of her life.

one of my biggest concerns had always been the fact that i had heard from many trans people that their dysphoria hadnt really kicked in until after they started transitioning. as in, once they started trying to look like women then they realized how far away they were from truly being one, making what until then had been a vague feeling of discomfort into a true rejection of their own body. but then on the other hand there was also the real possibility that i would end up having a mental breakdown once i hit my fifties after years of repression and by that point i would look like just an old man in a wig

i think what finally made me tip over the edge were the contra points videos and the reddit community egg_irl. i just identified too much with what i saw there, and breaking up with my gf had left me free to explore those feelings without fear of ruining my relationship. so where does that leave me?

still confused, but no longer scared of the answers. willing to give this and honest go and see where it takes me. im still not ready to call myself a trans girl with all the letters. i understand that gender is complicated but i would really appreciate a unified theory of gender to help me make heads or tails of what i am and what i am feeling beyond vague notions about “the spectrum” and “social roles”. i guess i could be considered gender fluid as of right now but honestly that label doesnt mean that much to me on a practical sense considering i am still presenting my self as a boy in my every day life with one or two exceptions

i have a lot of work ahead of me and for once i am excited about doing it right.

[karak9]

Another stupid long post about how I don't know my own fucking gender

This is honestly just copied and pasted from a yt comment I made on an older vid and I figured I'd share it here bc tumblr loves this shit I guess lol. God damn I've been questioning my gender for so long and ik rn im prob not still in the best position to be thinking about deep life shit like where I am mentally and im dealing with a lot in my life and also very insecure about potentially being trans bc a lot of my friends don't seem like they would be very accepting and my bf is only really into girls. I asked him how he would feel if I was nonbinary or looked like a boy and he just said he wasn't totally sure but he's only attracted to girls :c he's the sweetest bf in existence and im honestly so afraid of losing him, so aside from obviously not wanting to deal with all the other trans shit, I definitely hope im not trans bc I don't wanna lose him. Anyways, ill start with my childhood I guess. I was always super tomboyish. My older sisters (im the youngest sibling btw) were always p tomboyish so maybe I kinda got it from them but I kinda felt like I was more tomboyish than them? I felt like I was the most boyish girl I knew, like even meeting other tomboy girls in elementary school I felt like I couldn't really relate to them or like they couldnt relate to me enough idk. I also remember once making up a song about being like so tomboyish that I was basically a boy or something along those lines and sang it to my best friend at the time who I copied like all the fkin time (it honestly wasnt healthy lmao I didn't have good parents, also I think I started making up songs bc she did that and I wanted to like impress her), but she thought it was stupid and weird so I just forgot about it and moved on. I was embarrassed to even enjoy playing with dolls or play dress up games online and was determined to play masculine games like runescape (even tho I ended up doing girly shit in runescape anyways lmao) and considered myself one of the guys. In 5th grade when I started needing to wear a bra I absolutely didn't want to, tho some girls in my class thought it was weird I didn't wear a bra when they found out and that made me more insecure about it, but since then I've p much only worn sports bras. I have bought some more normal bras bc I wanted to look attractive in them for my SO or whatever but I still highly prefer my sports bras and can't stand wearing the other ones unless I have to bc my sports bras aren't clean lmfao. I always hated talking about genitalia and breasts n shit but that could just be bc of how I was raised and how my family was always so strict and such radical Christians and anything sex related was a sin, idk if its dysphoria or not. I've never rlly liked my chest and hated showing cleavage like so god damn much and still do but maybe that's the same thing or maybe I just want smaller boobs and that's it idk??? Like I'd want to appear to have a completely flat chest at least, idk if I'd want to actually like have a guy chest or not? Also huge issue with ppl seeing me naked or touching my boobs but again idk if that's gender related or just a normal issue I have. Tho I had a friend in high school (a girl, a very weird lewd girl) who would occasionally grope my chest randomly and it wasn't a huge issue but kinda made me uncomfortable and more aware of my chest. I really like when I wear big hoodies or when I lean over so my shirt kinda poofs out and it looks like I have a flat chest underneath. Though im not super uncomfortable with my boobs, like normally ill want nothing to do with them but I don't mind my SO touching them especially if they're really into it. I wouldn't say im rlly dysphoric about between my legs either, like yeah I think its weird and I hate monthlies and stuff but I think that's normal. I think if i woke up one day and had a dick I would be fine with it, I'd prob even enjoy it tbh lmao. I once had a dream that i was, well, a male dog like,,, ya know, with a female dog, and not to sound weird af (hey we were both dogs ok) but I think i kinda enjoyed it? I don't really remember any other dreams where I remember actually having a dick or feeling it but I've had several dreams as a male person, but p much all of them were like, I was seeing through a character's eyes or smth, not really that I was a guy, so idk if that's normal. I have the same dreams about being other girl characters, I'd say its split about 50/50. Because of this game community im in, a lot of ppl assume im a guy, and a lot of people still think im a guy and I haven't really bothered to correct them but idk if I find it more enjoyable bc its funny or if I enjoy not being referred to as female for once. I'll admit I feel most comfortable referred to as they/them, like without a doubt, if I could go by only 1 set of pronouns for the rest of my life it would be they/them. But ik that's not enough to call myself trans. I definitely wouldn't want to be 100% male. Like if I imagine myself as a grown man vs a grown woman id prob choose to be a woman. I don't like my voice but I think that's mostly just bc I sound 10 years younger than I actually am, and wouldn't really want a deep/masculine voice. Like a "tomboy" voice would be fine if that makes sense? I don't want facial hair or want to have a masculine body, I like that I have curves and soft skin and small hands. Personally I like my hair long bc its soft and people love it, but sometimes I kinda wish I had short hair and could pass as a boy. Like I'd wanna be a typical cute kpop boy ngl lmfao. I like the whole cute androgynous/feminine boy look and wish I could pull it off. Tho I also like really girly things sometimes and am okay being seen as a girl, i just want to be cute and attractive. Ik whether im trans or not I like being a mix of feminine and masculine, tho I admit in the past I've been kinda insecure bc I used to be super sure I was nb and thought me liking girly things and wanting to still havd long hair and wear girly clothes made me seem like "not trans enough" or whatever. But i guess here I am questioning myself again anyways. If I am nb, it sucks that ill never really be able to be openly myself and all but I've accepted by now that I kinda have to pick a binary and choose what I want to be seen as for the rest of my life, and im ok with being female. There are some things I dont like about my body whether they're really gender related or not but I can't afford to transition and wouldn't like most of the effects of T and am afraid of surgery and not sure I want top surgery enough to ever get it anyways, but I think if we lived in a perfect world and I could magically change my body at will and I wasnt afraid of judgment or being unattractive or whatever, I'd probably want to look androgynous and itd be cool to be able to change my genitalia at will lmao. If I had to choose 1 genitalia over the over I honestly have no idea what I'd choose but I have no desire to ever get bottom surgery, at the same time tho I honestly wanna someday get surgery or w/e to never be able to get pregnant. I just could not handle pregnancy or giving birth and I don't even like babies and breast feeding sounds awful so if I ever have kids they will be adopted 100% and most likely be older and like not newborn babies lmfao, babies are honestly so weird to me and they stink and cry and they're so fragile and im so afraid of like dropping them when I hold them lmao. But I like my nieces and nephews and I like being the cool aunt (is there a gender neutral version of aunt/uncle?) who lets them use my art supplies and helps them do fun stuff even if I get tired of them sometimes lol. Idk if that's gender related either but yeah I guess. This if kind of a more recent thing but I often say I'd make a great bf kinda as a joke bc of how I am in relationships like being the stereotypical sweet bf type who makes things for their partner a lot and wants to be their knight in shining armor and their protector and all that, but again prob not rlly trans related lmao just thought I'd throw that out there I guess. So when I was 17 was when I really started getting into trans stuff, prior to that I mostly just learned from my parents that trans ppl were "against god" and all that bs, and eventually started realizing lgbt+ isn't as bad as my family said and later realized I was bi. But anyways I met an agender person online when i was 17ish and I'd never heard it before and thought it was really interesting and asked them how you know you're agender bc after hearing their explanation of it i thought it described how I felt, but ofc they weren't transmed and just described it as being like a deep feeling or whatever and since then i started calling myself agender (and switched between a few labels but basically nonbinary) until my transmed friend told me I was ridiculous and that I wasn't trans, and honestly he was a huge dick but im a huge pushover lmao and I thought well he's trans so he must know what he's talking about, and though I felt discouraged about it I stopped calling myself nonbinary. Then I began questioning it again after not too long and basically since then I've been questioning my gender off and on. I'm now 22 and god I fucking hope im cis but also I feel like a part of me doesn't want to be cis if that makes sense?? Idk if that's because I don't like being a girl for some weird deep reason I don't know about despite being pretty sure I've gotten a lot of my feelings and their reasons behind them figured out, or if it's because I am trans and dont want to force myself to pretend im a girl 100% forever. At the very least, whatever the fuck my gender is, I want to continue going by they\them wherever I can and pretending to be a boy to strangers online and I'd love to cosplay male characters and bind and occasionally just dress masculine for the hell of it and probably wear sports bras for the rest of my life. I feel like in a way I cang possibly be trans because I can live with all of those things and be fairly comfortable still being seen as female for the rest of my life. But idk, I have bpd and other mental shit so sometimes im not great with my feelings (tho I do try really hard to identify all of my feelings/emotions and stuff) but at the same time bpd can cause weird identity shit so maybe its just a weird mix of a bunch of crap and im not actually trans but just weird and tomboyish enough to question my gender for 5 years and still be unsure. Also I know a lot of ppl suggest talking to a therapist/psychologist/whatever professional and trust me I would love to but I can't currently and am unsure when ill be able to bc they're expensive and I live in the middle of fucking nowhere so finding a decent therapist around where I live rn is going to be very difficult. Also, I have fucking crippling social anxiety lmao like I'd be so afraid to open up about this stuff even to a professional. So if anyone could suggest anything online that could help that would be amazing

[irl-dogboy]

i have no friends to talk to so im gonna rant under the cut ignore this lmao

i dont feel comfortable anywhere. 

like.. i don’t have a bed i like to sleep in. it doesn’t have sheets on it. it’s an awful mattress, it sinks down to the point where i wake up and can’t move bc my back is fucked. i don’t have a dovet, i sleep under blankets fit for a sofa. i don’t have a space to call my own. my room looks like a storage room, because that’s what it is. i have speakers that i can’t use, i have an extra desk that my parents couldn’t afford to throw away. my cupboard is full of things that aren’t mine. i own my school uniform and like 3 outfits. i own one fucking pair of pants and they don’t! even fit me! i dont like asking for money for things like clothes and decor because the answer is always “we dont have enough money for luxuries! dont be selfish!” and i dont get it because both of my fucking parents have ipads and the newest fucking iphones. despite being the right age to get a job im not allowed to get one, im not allowed to open a paypal so i can maybe get a commission every so often. i dont even know why. they dont fucking tell me.

and like,, i dont have anywhere or anybody to talk to about this shit! school friends would never fucking understand because theyre all a bunch of rich kids who think of me as a joke. im a dumbass who isolates himself from his online friends so i cant just be like “lol we havent talked since i disappeared when i found out im going deaf help my life sucks” because who fucking DOES that? not me! my parents are procrastinating getting me a fucking psychologist for GOD KNOWS WHAT fucking reason, maybe they really do just think this is a phase. they refuse to talk about anything related to my transgenderism until it pushes their fucking political agenda or makes them LOOK GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mum, at home, behind closed doors: hey deadname

also my mum, arguing with people online: as a supportive parent of a transgender child blahblahblah

also my mum, to my school: yeah haha we’re getting there HE’s such a good BOY isnt that right NATE this has been hard on all of us but especially ME

i regret coming out so fucking much. if i could go back in time and tell myself anything it wouldnt be “do ur schoolwork” or “dont die” it would be “dont come out because every fucking aspect of your life is going to be so much fucking harder” and i get it! some of it is me being a lazy cunt! yea! but its also everybody else being a lazy cunt! my entire family? deadnaming for days! my parents? “we know you need therapy we’ll call them later” and then what do they do??? yeah not call them later. since i came out my previous psychologist DROPPED me and i get it but i NEVER talked about that shit and i wouldn’t talk about that shit bc i know shes not qualified to deal with that!! and i get it but fuck its so annoying and im weak and im a fucking asshole and i dont want to exist!!

i just dont get why my parents had me. like. my dads an alcoholic and a fucking coke addict, and yeah, he works 70 hours a week and supplies everything for our family, but hes also a fuckign criminal whos had me ASSAULTED before and thats a whole other fucking thing! and he’s trying to turn my sister and i against my mum and i DEFINITELY see why because she literally does nothing but smoke weed and do coke herself but fuck i am so tired of hearing about their shit all the fucking time! call me selfish, i would agree, but they blame me and my sister for all of their problems, and whenever me or my sister call them out on their shit they immediately go for the “we’re your PARENTS” or “im mentally ill and im an addict you know this” like yeah i do but i also know that YOU’RE NOT TRYING TO HELP YOURSELF DESPITE HAVING TWO KIDS THAT FUCKING DESPISE YOU

i just want a normal fucking family man. a normal life, really!! i want a dad that has some dumb manly hobby like woodwork or fishing and i wanna do lame things with him. i want a mum that i get along with. a sister that i fight with sometimes but its ok because im still there for her! protective big brother style! and i want them to be there for me and i want to feel safe in my own fucking house. i want a bed that i can sleep comfortably in. i dont wanna be who i am. i wanna be normal. i dont wanna have to deal with dysphoria and wanting to die every time i look in the mirror or shower or speak or do anything. friends that i feel like i could talk to. i would die just to be a cis girl or better a cis boy and just live my life without worrying about all of that shit. i want my depression to go away or take a fucking break or something. i hate it so much.

god this is long im so sorry for anybody who made the mistake of choosign to read this

[tmitransitioning]

Most people know me as a gay, very butch female. I refer to myself as gay all the time, i feel comfortable saying it, yet I know i have gender dysphoria, ive felt it since i was a child. i wish i had a penis and no breasts, but at the same time i’m attached to my gay identity. im confused and i dont know whats good for me. also i hate being called a lesbain i just like the word gay? this is all so confusing and stupid and im tired of living in limbo about my identity.

I can’t tell you how to identify, but I can tell you that lots of people all across the acronym take on different identity labels throughout their lives, and deciding that something doesn’t fully encapsulate that part of you after all isn’t a bad thing. Everyone I know has gone through multiple labels, including myself; people process them differently, but learning about a new part of yourself doesn’t have to mean that you were “wrong” in the past.

You’re allowed to be attached to calling yourself gay, too. Having personal context with a given label is an okay reason to hold it dear to you. And the reverse is true—you don’t have to identify with any specific label that doesn’t resonate for you, or that you don’t feel comfortable with.

(If it sounds like I’m picking my words carefully it’s because I am; I feel like you deserve some kind of reassurance, but every time we talk about trans identities and anything lesbian-adjacent, people get pretty annoyed, both within trans communities and from the transphobe side of the aisle.)

There’s the fact that you don’t have to stop calling yourself gay in an attracted-to-women context if you decide to start identifying as trans and/or nonbinary. I personally identify as and refer to myself as a lesbian, because I’m nonbinary but feel connected to “woman” internally in a way that I consider to only be mine, and I’m attracted solely to women and people with a similar relationship to “woman” as my own. I also don’t like being called a lesbian by people I don’t know, especially cis people, because I don’t know if they see and respect my gender. I’ve also joked-but-not-really-joked that my gender itself is butch. I don’t give you this example because I want to pressure you to identify as a lesbian—that is completely not my right. But I want to give you a real-life illustration of how the identities of people calling ourselves butch can be complicated that doesn’t come out of Stone Butch Blues. (Which is a great book, but sometimes the temporal setting difference can make it feel less immediate to us..)

You also don’t have to call yourself trans if you’re not comfortable doing so. Some people identify as cis and their assigned genders for their whole lives, but still experience physical dysphoria and want to change things about their bodies, even when they’re aware of and have explored trans identities as options for them. This is something they often face gatekeeping over, because even the most… “modern”, I guess, medical concepts of gender identity think of dysphoria as something inextricably linked to a gender-body mismatch. And for a lot of trans people, probably the vast majority, this is true, and on this blog we usually link the two just because that’s what our audience is largely experiencing. A good example of this in practice IRL is, like, a cis woman getting top surgery because she feels dysphoria about her chest. Or someone who was assigned male at birth and experiences euphoria when dressing in “women’s” clothing, but still IDs as a man and uses the label “crossdresser”. These are both samples of real variety under a broad umbrella of gender expression and identity.

We feel a pressure in many of our communities to treat the actual labels as intrinsic to who we are as people. Some people find validation in this, which is totally okay. It’s something that I personally find kinda tough to deal with, because while I feel that my experiences are certainly intrinsic to me, being strict and narrow with labelling doesn’t always reflect the real diversity of how we experience gender, orientation, and identity. All of this is to say: You’re not hurting anyone, and it’s okay to feel how you feel. It’s really stressful to exist in a middle space where you don’t feel like you have community or a concrete sense of self. But this isn’t a scenario where everyone else has something magically figured out where they all align perfectly with a category and you’re missing the boat. A lot of other people are in middle spaces with you, and whatever you decide to do, there will be people in those spaces with you too.

- Mod Wolf

[cas-tellation]

Not What You Thought (I’m Sorry, I Didn’t Know) part 8

Last chapter - Masterlist - Read on ao3

A/N; Firstly; I just wanted to say that I have this fic pretty much mapped out, BUT there's a big empty space between now and the ending -- just because i need some filler stuff that i can use to add some ~development~ that being said, if you want anything specific to happen in this fic, please, please leave a comment telling me as this is the perfect time for me to maybe fit some of that stuff in. Nothing too big, just lil things. (do you want phil to get a pet? do you want more flashbacks from dan? flashbacks from phil? more about their family & all of that?? literally anything little like that that i can write a little bit about)Secondly; here a playlist of all the music i listen to whilst writing (i mean theres other music i constantly forget to add songs whoops) so if you wanna really ~get in the zone~ whilst readin you can go listen to that if you want i guess here it is And finally; lots of people who read this fic are ftm trans and thats great!! all the feedback that i've gotten back from them is so nice, and im very, very happy that this fic is at least somewhat realistic. I, myself, am not trans, however i am agender (demiboy? idk lol im figuring things out still) so i do have ~some~ experience with dysphoria and all that stuff, but at the same time its also amazing to hear what people say(a huge thanks to everyone's who's left comments on this fic so far... they really are greatly appreciated.)

Dan’s tired. He doesn’t want to get out of bed. Doesn’t want to do much of anything, really. The dysphoria is there; strong as ever. Maybe that’s the thing that he hates the most about himself: The dysphoria. Some people say that they understand that; understand the self hatred that comes with being stuck in the wrong body. But really, how could they, if they were cis?

When his mum claims that everything will be okay and that she understands, and that what he’s going through is something that every teen goes through-- isn’t she lying, because he’s not every teen. He’s Dan, not Yazi. He’s trans, not cis. He doesn’t know anybody who is trans - save for a couple of youtubers that he watches, more for the education aspect of being trans than anything else.

He feels alone. He can’t go to someone. Say, Phil. He couldn’t go to Phil and have the other boy comfort him, and tell him that everything’s going to be okay. Because how would Phil know, if he’s cis? How could Phil possibly know? How could anybody? Sure, they could have little glimpses, but nothing tangible. They wouldn’t feel dysphoria.

They wouldn’t feel this tired.

There’s a certain level of self hatred, but a lot of it was just the dysphoria. It makes him want to physically claw off his own skin.

-

School is stressful. He feels like he’s falling apart under the pressure of it. He’s doing too much and yet he still feels like he’s not doing enough. He stops doing his homework completely because whenever he hands it in and gets anything less than a perfect score; he feels like he’s failed somehow.

Of course, he hasn’t failed just because he has gotten a lower score, but still.

His mind is constantly messing with him and he’s so tired.

-

Phil’s embrace is more than welcoming after a long day. Dan melts into his arms, taking a long, shuddering breath and burying his face into Phil’s chest.

Take another deep breath. Now, close your eyes. Feel, where are you?

In, and out, darkness. Phil’s arms, Phil’s body, Phil’s heart, beating slowly and steadily beneath Dan’s cheek, further calming him. Phil’s saying something, maybe asking if Dan’s okay. Or alternatively, what’s wrong.

God, it feels like everything is wrong.

Everything, and it’s all piling up.

It’s too much. It’s all just - too much. He doesn’t know if he can deal with it anymore. He misses the sharp kiss of the blade against his pale skin.

But he’s here in Phil’s arms, safe from physical harm.

l

Only for the time being. Phil would leave and then - and then.

God.

Since when does the world spin like this? Since when does the world hurt like this?

Phil’s arms are drawing tighter around Dan’s thin body, one hand coming up to comb gently through Dan’s ever-so-slightly curly hair.

“It’ll be okay, Danny,” Phil’s saying.

But the thing is, it doesn’t feel like it’s going to be okay. Because everything hurts but at the same time everything’s so empty and heavy and full and painful. In Dan’s eyes, it’s not going to be okay. Not by a long shot. He feels so broken, and used up, and thoroughly useless.

He’s none of those things.

But his mind refuses to think of himself as anything but that.

Phil’s arms are around him, holding him together. When all Dan is doing is breaking apart.

-

Phil’s gone. He hadn’t wanted to leave. He’d been worried about Dan. They’re all worried, all the time. Phil, the teachers at school, Dan’s parents.

But Phil had to leave.

And Dan is now alone. Feeling the worst that he has in a long time. And he doesn’t know what to do.

-

Everything’s hazy. It’s like he’s looking at his life through a keyhole. Not really there. It’s almost as if he can’t feel anything. Is he dreaming? He can’t remember going to sleep but he still doesn’t feel like he’s properly awake. Through a keyhole. Hazy. Dream-like. Sitting on the edge of a bathtub, rolling up his sleeves.

Numb.

A razor, in his hand.

And god is he really going to do this?

-

Sleep is laced through with unease.

-

The feeling’s not gone the next day. He had hoped that after a good night’s sleep that the hurt would go away.

He doesn’t know how he’s going to make it through the day.

The binder fits too tight. His hair is growing out a little and it only adds to the dysphoria. Everything feels too feminine. Too much. Way too much. Make it stop, please.

-

He walks to school, the overcast sky reflecting his emotional state perfectly.

He pauses, in front of the school door, weighing his options.

Then, he turns around and walks in the opposite direction. Fuck school.

-

He doesn’t go home. God, he doesn’t want to go ‘home’ ever again. He goes to the park instead, where he and Phil had been. Except that now Phil’s not there. Instead, there are countless children and their parents. He almost regrets coming but sits down on the edge of a bench anyway, pulling a book out of his bag and trying to lose himself in the story. At least for a little while.

It’s weird, how invisible he is.

Nobody seems to notice him.

Nobody bothers him.

He almost wishes that he could do this everyday. Until he remembers how much school he’s missing and feels his throat choke up. Too much, this is all too much, and yet not enough.

-

Phil texts him just after noon, when Dan would usually meet him.

Dan doesn’t reply.

-

Everything is falling apart at a steady pace and there’s nothing that Dan can do to stop it.

-

That night, Dan lays in bed, his hands resting on his stomach, tears racing down his cheeks. He thinks, ‘I need Phil’, and then, ‘I need Nicole’, and after that he hates himself a little bit more.

-

The amount of notifications that Dan wakes up to is absolutely horrifying, in his opinion. Dozens from Phil. Even one from Nicole. He breath catches in his throat as he sees it;

Nic: where have you been ive missed u

He doesn’t know if he can reply to it. He does anyway.

Dan: i miss you too.

And he does. Fuck, he does.

He locks his phone again before he replies to Phil. A sick feeling settles in his belly.

-

At lunch the next day, Dan’s almost disappointed to see that Phil isn’t yet sitting on the dusty patch of ground behind the building. He pulls out the same book that he had started yesterday, and begins reading. He’s hoping that Phil will show up.

But scared, too, because he’s so unresponsive. He’s scared that Phil will think that Dan doesn’t like him and he’s scared that Phil won’t see how lost Dan is.

But fear isn’t helping him so he pushes it down and tries so hard to focus on the words in front of him. He doesn’t know if it’s working.

Phil does show up. He’s not mad that Dan hadn’t been there the day before, instead, he was worried about how Dan was feeling.

Phil says, “Hey Danny.”

And Dan says, “I told you to stop calling me that.”

And then Phil hugs him again and all Dan can think is: Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry. Because what did he do to deserve someone like this? Since when did he get to be with the Good Guy? Since when did someone who actually cared about things pay any sort of attention to him?

Usually it was someone looking for a good fuck.

Or Nicole, who simply didn’t have her life together enough to care.

Dan lets Phil hold him and is scared that Phil will leave once he realizes how well and truly fucked up Dan feels.

-

Feeling good is something that takes a long time. Dan feels a spark of it that night when Phil texts him saying:

Phil: Goodnight dannyyyyyyy <3333

The spark being Dan’s stomach flopping around happily. Happily. Happiness. It’s something that he has a hard time feeling.

But with Phil, it seems to come easier.

-

Dan wakes up feeling a bit more awake than usual. He tells himself that this means he’s getting over the depression, though he can still feel it lurking there, right under his skin, waiting for the worst time to make it’s re-appearance.

It’s horrible, living like this, but at the point that Dan is now at, it’s impossible to avoid.

[tvranny]

while im on the topic of trans shit i’m tired of seeing trans men being pregnant so fucking sensationalized and ripped apart by the media and public because “OMG!!????? a MAN? PREGNANT????? 🤔😔😮”. 

even though most of the time of course the couple or man in question agrees to be put in the spotlight like that it doesn’t make me feel any fucking better. i just want us to exist and live our fucking lives the way we please without it being some shocking or sensational or ~inspirational~ fucking story on the news, or finding that shit on the instagram explore page with thousands upon thousands of comments of people insulting and degrading us.

to make myself feel better about things, believe me, i have found trans men who share their pregnancy without the details of it being obsessively torn apart, so it’s not like these damn articles are the only thing i’m finding any remotely normalized portrayal of trans male pregnancy, but they sure are the majority of what you see at surface-level and the fact that i have to dig or go in more obscure spots to find any trans men who went through a pregnancy/pregnancies living their fucking lives peacefully is ridiculous. a million damn blog posts and chatty articles that warrant a “aw, i’m glad she’s happy with her life and all. how lovely! her baby is so cute!” about, what, susan’s pregnancy and subsequent parenthood, and yet trans men having/parenting their own biological children is a damn spectacle. 

with how society is, i don’t think it CAN be talked about in the media without it being a spectacle, so maybe i’m a bit unwarranted in complaining about that, but still; something about how it’s framed. 

i seek out shit about trans male pregnancy to help soothe my strong dysphoria surrounding it, i mean, obviously; i’m much too young to be even considering that sort of thing. but it’s still something i may consider going through in the future should i have a partner that isn’t willing to do it himself and wants kids. and plus, i have two OCs thus far who are trans male and have biological kids and i want to know more about them without looking into things that misgender them, misgender me, and misgender every fucking trans person in existence. i want to look into all of it without having my social dysphoria triggered by the endless cissexism. and plus, i’m sure the way trans men’s bodies deal with pregnancy is different from, say, cis women, as with most health related shit. but i can not expect to find much about that. at all. not only is it a spectacle but it’s an unresearched and unknown spectacle with equally as unknown risks, etc.. (that’s how it is for trans health in general, trans women too.) and it’s just.. fucking. none of this helps. none of it. it’s discouraging 

nevermind the fact that it only adds to the idea among even cis people who claim to support trans people + trans people themselves (mostly tr/ansmeds, those types) that males getting pregnant is a spectacle to behold and is much too rare to be taken into account and used as a reason to stop being cissexist. it adds to everything, everything at all. we’re just freaks to cis people. 

if i have my own kid when i’m older, i’ll not only be shoved into cissexist categories, forced to welcome “female” labels with open arms after possibly years of passing and FINALLY escaping that, but i’ll be a fucking freak to people. probably would earn me the most fucking weird and nasty looks i could ever get in my life. and that’s not even a baseless assumption-- trans men go through that. every fucking day. for nine months. i couldn’t imagine. i’m just tired of living with this BS.

[darthputa]

RIP

I need to get something off my chest. Literally lmao. This is gonna get into some venty shit so just b aware... --------- Anyways if you've been following me for a lil bit you should know that last summer i found out i had pcos. Pcos fucking sucks. Its a key cause of my depression and anxiety, its what makes me fat and unable to lose it, its why i'm tired all the time ( i get no nutrients from my food bc of androgen and its control on my insulin), it makes my periods last 8-10months, annnd its the cause of my hair growth. I have hair, everywhere. I have extreme sideburns ™, from my eyebrows to my hairline, a mustache, my chin, hair on my arms, on my hands and knuckles, my chest and my breasts, my stomach, my toes, my back, etc and its very.... Im cis, but i deal with dysphoria sometimes? Obviously not in the same way someone who is trans is, but i cant find a word to describe it as well as that one does. "Women" in our society are supposed to be thin hairless creatures who can have babies. I am none of those things lmao. Everytime I look at myself( my face specifically) its like gross!! ur not a woman!! look at all that hair!! But its not like im saying im a man, does that make sense?? (nor am i saying women cant or shouldnt have body hair this is just me..talkin bout my experience...) My brain is just like ur not a real woman constantly because i have all these "male" hormones and all these "male" body hair patterns( my dr is always like male male male male and im just!!!!) and my uterus and ovaries dont work and its really depressing lmao. Im so much of not a woman that i need medicine to make my body think im a woman!!! And so I have this need to PASS. Apparently im not a real woman so i gotta fake it??? I try and shave everything I can and its painful and i usually knick myself so im bleeding in the shower crying its a big ol mess. If i go anywhere i have to do my makeup so if i still have hair on my face well maybe they wont notice. And i HATE it!! Im tired of waking up at 6 am to do makeup for a 10am class!! Im tired of constantly having to shave so I feel like a woman ™ and so my family doesnt bully me!! Im tired of feeling like i'm not a woman when i KNOW im a woman!! So yea I hate my body ™ ¯\_(ツ)_/¯