#im just tired and sad and miserable and know going in tomorrow will move almost all my plans of this weekend so ugh

[the-kipsabian]

my face still hurts and im sad

[violetnotez]

SHE IS HERE. PART TWO. BY EXTREMELY POPULAR AND LATE DEMAND!!!!

This fic. THIS FIC RIGHT HERE. HAS BEEN FIGHTING SO HARD I AM DONE THIS HAS BEEN A STRUGGLE. If there are typos I AM SORRY- just msg me and ill fix it if its that bad im just tired!

Kirishima x reader

⤷Genre: Angst, Fluff

⤷Word Count: 9k+ (-this has the weekly prompt for the @bnhabookclub​ discord -“Im fine” :)

⤷ Warnings: slight mentions of blood, cursing, suggested spicyness at the end

⤷ Synopsis: It’s been exactly 3 months since the last time Kirishima saw you, after you had abruptly ended things with him. He’s been trying to forget you, but it’s no use-he’s still madly in love with you, and wishes he could get the truth of why you two ended. What a shocker when he gets a chance to ask his questions-and he learns the truth about your villainous life.

Song Recs: ⤷ “Breakeven”-The Script ⤷ “Lucid Dreams”- Juice WRLD ⤷ “Scars”- Lukas Graham

PART 1

Kirishima looked up at his calendar, a sad sigh escaping his lips. 

That number shouldn’t be such a big deal, that plain black “11” tiny and insignificant next to all the other digits, like little ants stationary on the page.

What it represented, though, was so much more: that day so many weeks ago was so full of heartache and misery, the feeling of being lied to eating at his core for days to come. 

Today, 3 months ago, was the day you confessed to him that you didn’t love him. 

Kirishima has never felt so betrayed and heartbroken in his whole life: you were his first real love after all, and hearing you say your love was a lie destroyed him.

He didn’t know what to do or how to even react to that news: he had felt so numb after, so incredibly empty, it was like he was a walking shell of himself once he left your room.

His friends had tried to cheer him up constantly, always putting in the effort to lift his spirits with laughter and comfort. But the warmth of their attempts of cheering him up didn’t help him at all: he always still felt so cold inside.

It also didn’t help that you had mysteriously left UA the day after the “breakup.” When Kirishima laid his tired puffy eyes on your empty desk the next day, his heart couldn’t help but beat feverishly. He knew he shouldn’t care that you were gone, but he couldn’t help it. No matter which way he spun it, He was still desperately falling for you, even if you had broken his heart. 

He had sat down, his back slumped as he eyed that empty seat with worry. 

How had everything gone so wrong? 

He couldn’t fathom what had gone stray-your love  had honestly felt so real to him. You had told him you had only dated him out of pity-but if somebody was being forced to do something, just to spare someone’s feelings, would they have given him his first kiss so perfectly, making sure to be soft and gentle? Would they have stuck with him late into the night to help study for tests? Or give him sweet kisses on his scars when he was feeling self conscious? 

It just didn’t add up-the feelings you two had were genuine and real. It couldn’t all be one sided like you had said.

He gave another look to that chair, just imagining the ghost of you sitting there, turning around and sending him that infectious smile that light up his whole day.

God, it wasn't even one whole day and he felt so incomplete without you.

Mr. Aizawa walked in, everyone scrambling to their seats and watching him intently, the room getting noticeably more quiet.

He didn’t remember much of that class-he had remembered Mr.Aizawa standing at the front of the class, his deep voice breaking his miserable thoughts when he said the class would be free of one student.

You had seemingly left in the middle of the night, your guardians notifying the school you would no longer be attending UA due to you moving. All of Class 1-A was incredibly confused, including Kirishima- you had never said you were moving, yet you somehow were just gone. As if you never existed.

It just didn’t add up to Kirishima-you would have said something about moving, or at least acted strange the weeks prior. All these events just didn’t make sense to Kirishima-the break up, your confession, you leaving-it all just didn’t add up. But he was too tired, too wrecked inside to think about it anymore. The more he tried to piece the story together the more it gnawed at him, making him feel so much more worse than he already felt. He slumped in his chair, knowing full well everyone was staring at him-you were his boyfriend after all, he should have known.

Oh wait-ex.

He slumped in his chair even more, barely the tips of his spiky red hair poking up from the desk table.

It was gonna be a long few weeks for him, he could already feel it.

Now he was past all those days of crying and breaking over you-some days he could actually forget about you and not have to worry. But on days that were permanently etched into his mind, like today, he couldn’t help but remember. 

Kirishima's phone began to ring, the vibration of the call making the phone jitter against the wood of his desk. He tore himself away from the calendar, his hands instantly swiping to take the call once he saw the Caller ID.

“Hey Fat, how's it going!” Kirishima forced a smile, his voice preppy and bright as if nothing had ever happened.

“Kirishima, thanks for taking the call,” his mentor seemed to breathe a sigh of relief hearing his bright voice on the other end.

Since Kirishima was in his 3rd year, he was required to do another work study, for an even longer period of time than before. So when he was asked by Fatgum to come join the agency once again, he couldn’t help but say no. He had loved his old mentor back from his 1st year, even if he did get pretty banged up at the end of his work study. He was more than happy to join his agency again, and wanted nothing more to learn and grow to be the best hero he could be.

“I know this is pretty late in the day for you,” Fatgum continued, “but I’m going to need your help,”

“Tamaki was supposed to be patrolling on the West side of town tonight, but he got called in to help with a robbery on the North side. I don’t have anybody else to take his place, so I was hoping you could take over his shift for the night,”

“Of course! I’ll do anything you need,” Kirishima propped his phone into the crook of his neck, already rummaging around his room for his hero suit.

“You're a lifesaver Kirishima!” Fatgum exclaimed, the toothy grin he was most likely sporting practically audible.“See ya for training tomorrow then!”

“You too, Fat,” Kirishima's cheerful tone waned, a sad smile replacing his bright grin as he stared down at his hero suit.

He had already known today was going to be a tough day for him, and the fact that he was off from any type of hero work that would make him forget about his sadness didn’t help. 

But now that Fatgum has given him a job tonight, he might be able to erase his mind of all the past heart ache for the next few hours. He gave himself a small smile, his hero suit beckoning him to put it on, the reds and blacks calling to him like ghosts from a dream.

He was gonna at least try to forget-just for the night.

It was now an hour before the end of his shift, and he was feeling practically tired.

The West side of town was relatively quiet, nowhere near the crime riddled areas of the North side of the city boulevard. He knew these streets well from patrolling them almost every night of his hero study, knowing each alleyway and path like the back of his hand. 

Tonight was silent, only a few late night joggers or the occasional fast food joint open for any customers getting the late night munchies. 

It was soft, provincial, and bitter sweet. 

He was trying his best to not remember, to not remember your face, or your smile, or the way you would laugh so warmly whenever he did something amusing. He was trying not to imagine you standing by his side, your hand grabbing his and your shoulder resting  on his, a happy sigh escaping your lips. 

Why were still haunting him, even three months later? 

why couldn’t he just forget about you? 

A crash and a yell snapped Kirishima out of his memory, an angry scream of a teen being heard from the late night restaurant. 

He shook his head to rid himself of those unwanted thoughts, noticing a black figure running across the parking lot into an alleyway at lightning speed.

“That-that Villian!” She shrieked, her friends trying to soothe her as she continued on her rampage, “She stole my wallet! My damn wallet! The hell-“

“Don’t worry ma’am, I’ll get it back for you, don’t worry!” He yelled towards the group, his voice warm and assuring as he sent her a toothy grin. His feet began pounding the pavement, disappearing into the alleyway in the direction of the criminal.

Your breath came out in painful huffs, your hand fumbling to put the wallet into the jacket of your Villian suit. 

Damn Shigaraki and his “plans.”

Shigaraki has now concocted up his next bright idea  for the League, this time relying on you stealing an ID card from a college student that looked similar to you. 

While the LOV was going off stealing a bank for some extra cash, you were told to go find someone who looked similar to you in order to pass as them. for what you had no idea, but you knew Shigaraki would be extremely mad with you if you didn’t do what he asked. You shivered at the thought of him, those cold red eyes like bloody daggers ripping into your flesh. 

You slowed to a stop, your breath coming out in pants as you pulled down the mask on your face, your breath finally free from the constricting fabric.

God you hated running.

Nobody seemed to be following you though, footsteps inaudible to your ears. You slinked into a dark corner of the alleyway, your hands rummaging inside the wallet for the ID card you desperately needed.

Cash, credit card, a picture of her and possibly her boyfriend,a shit ton of gift cards-

You breathed a sigh of relief, flicking out the desired card with a flourish. In the low light conditions you were in, it was hard to see her details, but you knew that it matched your complexion just enough to pass by.

Thank God, now Shigaraki wouldn’t be on your ass-

“Hey, it’s not cool to steal, man,” you heard a familiar voice echo throughout the concrete walls of the alleyway, making your blood run cold.

Shit, please not be him, anybody but him-

You instantly tugged your mask over your mouth and nose, praying to God it wasn’t him.

Maybe it was another hero, or somebody that just resembled him-

“Just give me back what you stole, and nothing bad will happen to ya,” Kirishima continued, his footsteps slow and solemn as he walked over to you, as if you were a wounded animal that could attack at any moment.

You shoved the wallet hastily into your jacket pocket, looking around, desperate for a way out.

Damn it-you were completely blocked from the back, a tall cement wall blocking your escape. The only way for you to get out was to somehow dodge Kirishima and make a run for it, or fight him.

God definitely had his favorites, and it obviously wasn’t you.

This boy was so quiet-all that hero training made him extremely agile, like a cat going forward it’s prey  as he continued to walk towards you cautiously. 

It was a shock to see him-he looked so much older, his handsome face making your heart squeeze painfully. He still sported his iconic red hair to match his suit, the only thing really changing was the amount of scars on his body. When you two had dated, you were so close to him you knew every valley, ditch, and scar on his body like your own.

He was getting stronger and tougher, growing to his goal while you were stuck in your life, still just a little pawn in Shigarakis decaying hands.

You didn’t feel like fighting him-you still felt guilty for the way you had ended things with him, even though it was weeks after. You knew it had to be done in order to protect him, but you also knew it had hurt him to the point of no return.

 He had to have hated you now, and honestly, you didn’t blame him-it just hurt to know you lost a love you still felt. And it was your fault.

Kirishima watched your every move, not suspecting a thing-you were just another thug, another puny Villain he had to take down. Even though it was decent fun to take a criminal down, dealing with witnesses, the police, and paperwork was quite the opposite. But it’d get his mind off of his own misery.

The Villain seemed strange though-as if they were terrified by the mere sight of him. They weren’t even trying to bad mouth him, which was a definite first for him. It was hard to see in the dark alleyway, but he could make out the outline of the thief trying to quickly dodge him, trying to break into a run to get out of the cramped dead end.

Kirishima swiftly grabbed the arm of their leather jacket, pulling your squirming body close to his.

You were screaming internally-he needed to let go, he had to let go. Your heart felt like it was ripping apart, the sudden memories flooding your body as you remembered how it felt to be so close to him, to be so intimate you could see the flecks of brown in his vermillion red eyes. You didn’t want him to realize it was you, to see you as his enemy yet again. You couldn’t bear to see the heartbreak and disappointment in his eyes, your hands clawing to get away.

“Hey-just calm down a little-“ he huffed out, the words separated as he tried to keep a hold on your body.

It was strange to him though-you weren’t even talking, not a peep was spilling out of your lips. You seemed pretty young, and by your smaller frame, you were most likely female. You seemed 

so scared, your eyes bright with desperation and fright. 

His larger hands kept you close to him, his heart pinging with hurt-

There was no way this was you. He was going crazy-those weren’t your eyes.

But God, they looked so familiar-your eyes looked exactly like that the day you two broke up. Full of fear and sadness and guilt-

This wasn’t you, this couldn’t be you, but-if it was-

With one hand firmly wrapped your waist and another shakily reaching toward your mask, your body fighting desperately to get him to stop. Even through your attempts, he pulled the material gently off your skin, The flimsy black mask falling to the ground pitifully. your face looking down at the ground with embarrassment, now knowing your cover was blown.

Kirishima's heart beat painfully-it was you, this was you.

What had happened?

“Y-y/n?” He stuttered out, his voice caught pitifully in his throat.

You swallowed thickly, trying to shove the dry ball of embarrassment down your throat.

“H-hi Kiri,” 

He quickly let go of you, his body blocking your exit as he stared at you in disbelief.

You looked so different, so unlike you-you were wearing a completely black outfit, the material shiny like wet rocks near a dark river. Your hair was pulled back painfully tight, your eyes looking down at your scuffed combat boots in despair.

You looked so defeated and so sad, as if there was no happiness left in your body.

Who even were you?

“What happened to you? Why are stealing? Where have you even been?” He bombarded you with questions, his voice getting more and more authoritative and desperate as questions flooded his mind.

You couldn’t even think to comprehend an answer to any of them-you just needed to forget this encounter ever happened. For your and Kirishima’s sanity and, most importantly, safety.

“Just let me go Kirishima,” you dodged his question, taking a step forward to push your way out of the alleyway.

Kirishima's body was bigger and stronger though, and with each shuffle you attempted he would close the gap between you two, blocking your escape solely with his body.

“No, I-I need answers y/n,” he replied. His voice sounded so hurt, so full of anguished you felt your heart break a little more. He was still hurting, and now he was confused, seeing you all dressed up and committing crimes like a low level Villian. 

“I need to know what happened to you.”

You faulted in your step, staring at Kirishima with wide, mournful eyes. You made yet another attempt to surpass him, your shoulder a mere centimeters away from his as you tried to walk past him.

“Nothing happened Kirishima, please just let me-“

If you thought you were going to leave that easily, you were crazy. 

He swiftly grabbed your arm, his calloused hands rough against the leather of your jacket. Even through the thick material you could feel how warm he was-he always radiated such heat and brightness.

“Why did you leave UA?” He was abrupt with his question, but the hint of softness faltered his harsh exterior-he was still worried for you.

A deep sigh cascaded from your lips, your brow starting to sweat. You were tired of dealing with this heavy burden, this spider web of lies you had created for your own self. You still loved Kiri, yes, but your relationship was over and done. There was really no fear of judgement anymore. Hell, he just saw you steal a wallet like a low level thug-how much more could he judge you in this moment?

“You want the truth Kiri?” Your voice was blunt, and monotone, a shield from your true emotions. 

“You want to know who I really am? I-I’m a Villian. I work for the LOV. I only went to UA because I had to listen to Shigaraki. He needed info and I was the only one to do it.”

You sneaked a peek at Kirishima's face, a slight grimace on your lips as you anticipated the look of disgust on his face. Your heart thumped painfully, waiting for him to look at you with revulsion, but-it never came. His bright vermillion eyes still stared down at you softly, his eyes coated with worry and sympathy. 

“So-you were being forced?”

“At first I wanted to do it-b-but after I while, I started to change my mind,” 

he was so warm, his body heat seeping into your cold skin like a fire on a winter's night. Even now, in this dark alley, exactly 3 months from your terrible breakup-he still could make you feel safe. He was your home in the snow storm, so warm and comforting when the rest of the world was so unforgiving and icy. You relished the feeling of his calloused palms on your body, wishing those hands were on your skin instead of your jacket so they could  slowly  warm your whole body with their wonderful  heat.

“Then why did you leave?”

You gulped, licking your lips tentatively. Did you really want to tell him the truth? Tell him how weak you truly were? You honestly didn’t, a part of you screaming to just feed him a lie that would satiate you both-but the thought of living with even more of a guilty conscience made your mouth go dry. He didn't deserve another lie-after all you did to him, Kirishima deserved the truth. 

“I-I didn’t want to get hurt. I didn’t want you to get hurt. If Shigaraki found out I was considering leaving the LOV, he would have done anything in his power to keep me.”

“You don’t know the League like I do. When I mean he would do anything-he would do anything-including killing.”

Kirishima's eyes momentarily widened, the brutal words cutting the air like a knife. It didn’t surprise him, though-he was a hero in training after all. He had been in too many dangerous run ins with villians-hell, he couldn’t even count how many times he could have died just in his first year at UA. Death was a recurring threat in Kirishima's life, and , for better or worse, it didn’t scare him as much as it used to.

“Kiri-I-I lied to you to keep you safe. You meant the world to me-You still do. I still think about you all the time, and I know you probably hate me, but I still love you. I never stopped.”

He watched your eyes turn down in shame, your head hanging low as if you were carrying a great burden. It was painstakingly obvious you were feeling guilty and remorseful, and his heart throbbed at the thought that of you being forced to continue on with this life. We all made dumb mistakes when we were younger-you shouldn’t have to keep the burden of your past decisions still. 

As much as he felt sympathy for you, he couldn't help but feel so happy that you still had feelings for him. No matter how he spun it, he still cared for you and loved you with all his heart-hearing The same thoughts come from you just made him fall for you even more.

He gingerly took your chin in his hands, his calloused digits lifting your sullen head in order for him to look at you fully. Even when you looked so downtrodden, you were absolutely beautiful to him, and he couldn’t help but smile.

“God, take the words right out of mouth, huh?”

Kirishima's heartbeat feverishly in his chest-what he was about to do was so incredibly risky, but he had to do it. Too many nights he spent dreaming and remembering you, the memories bitter sweet. Now that he had you in front of him, he was going to take any chance he could go get those sensations back in his life.

Kirishima placed his lips gently on yours, knocking the wind out of your lungs. You couldn’t breathe-it was like you were drowning on his essence-yet you couldn’t careless. Warmth filled your stomach, fueling all over your body like a hot flame. It was so comforting and surreal to be feeling this again, to have Kirishima's hot lips pressed against yours.

He parted from you, both of you buzzing with electricity. It was surprising how much truth that kiss held-it melted the cocoon you two had around your hearts, allowing you two to see how much you had truly missed each other.

“ Y/n, I miss you, I knew that night you said you didn’t love me, something wasn’t right,” he spoke, his breath fanning your lips gently. “I knew there was more than what you were letting on.”

Kirishima grabbed your arms suddenly, looking you square in the face with intense eyes.

“ Y/n, you should have left then and there! We would have protected you! I would have protected! I promise I wouldn’t have let anything happen to you-“

“Y/n, you need to leave them, please,”

You sighed, hating how quickly the air thickened with the remembrance of your current situation. 

“Kiri, I don’t want anybody to potentially get hurt because of my dumbass decisions, I’m fine, I can handle myself-“

“Y/n, no your not fine! Look at you-,”he motioned to your clothing and your sullen face, “this isn’t you at all! 

“Kiri, please, don’t give me false hope-“ you shoved him off, wrapping your arms around your body to protect yourself. If you didn’t get control of yourself, you would follow his words in a heartbeat. As much as you would love to run into the strong arms of Kirishima, for him to warm your numb body with his positive energy- you knew it was dangerous. You didn’t want anybody to get hurt over you.

“It isn’t false hope though….” He smiled sweetly at you, his hand stretched out to you, “please, just take my hand, Kay? Nothing bad will happen, I promise,”

You stared at him long and hard, your eyes wide with fear and uncertainty-he was so genuine, so warm, so forgiving. He wanted to help you, he was willing and ready. He wanted to fight the world with you by his side, to protect the people he needed to protect with his loving energy. Kirishima had a way of making you believe anything that came out of his mouth, and you were falling for his spell. You didn’t know if it was the shock from seeing him after so long, his kiss, or just from wanting to leave so badly, but you stretched out your hand, ready for him to take you away.

a cruel, scraggly voice boomed from the shadows, “He promises to keep his little love bird safe.”

“How touching.”

You two spun your heads around at the sound of the ominous voice, your blood running cold.

“Shigaraki,” you gasped out, your eyes glued onto your leader. 

He was smiling a sick grin, his expression sadistic and cruel as he stood in a few paces away from you two. He was clothed in his Villain suit, his clothes tattered and dark like the Grim Reaper himself.

 Spinner and Twice were standing close by, surveying the scene from above as Shigaraki sauntered to you two. Kirishima's expression instantly turned from softness to determination, his body instantly turning to shield yours.

“Oh no need to act so heroic hero,” he grinned, his tone sickeningly sweet life cough syrup.

“Just give us our comrade and we’ll be on our way.”

“You're not going anywhere with her!” Kirishima yelled, his quirk activating in his arm as he shielded you from Shigaraki. “She doesn’t want to be with you scumbags anymore!”

“I’d watch your tone if I were you, especially for trying to defend a spineless traitor like her.”

Kirishima's face turned red in anger, his whole body now turning as solid as a rock as he charged your former leader.

“You piece of-“ 

Shigaraki continued the sick grin plastered on his face as Spinner and Twice instantly jumped from their positions, grabbing Kirishima's arms and roughly slamming him into the nearby wall. You heard the air forces out of Kirishima's lungs, his face contorted in pain. Your heart felt as if it was getting stabbed as you watched Kirishima struggle against their holds.

“Kirishima!” You screamed, your body yelling at you to help him-but you knew you couldn’t take on those two by yourself, not even including Shigaraki.

You turned to the villainous man in front of you, your eyes pleading.

“Shigaraki, please, tell them to let him go-let him go!”

He took a step toward you, his footsteps ringing slowly like the ticks of an old clock.

“Oh, I will,” he replied, his voice low and sadistic, “-when you rejoin the League.

“ I’d kill you right now for being such a selfish brat if I didn’t need you-so take it as a gift. I’ll spare your life if you just come-“

“Never,” you spat at him, fear filling your stomach with your defiance. You were surprised to hear how steady your voice was, but the slight Tremble in your fists said otherwise.

“Fine then,” he smirked, “suit yourself-“

With a wave of his decaying hands, Spinner and Twice began to use their full force on Kirishima-punching, kicking, anything to torture him. He was trying his best to block them, even with his quirk-but they were quite strong, especially once Twice used his quirk to produce more of his own body. It quickly began evident that Kirishima was having a hard time to fight off the villains, his Stance slowly becoming weaker and weaker as his face began to bruise and his arm dusted with his own blood.

You were hopeless to just watch, watching your worst fear come to life-people we’re already getting hurt over you.

Anger filled your stomach, licking up your body like hot flames as you turned to charge Shigaraki, fire in your eyes.

“Stop it you crusty ass-“ you yelled out, your fists out as you tried to land a punch on the Villian.

He seemed to know your exact movements though, his hands harshly grabbing your wrists and mouth, colliding your body with his.

“I’d watch that mouth of yours if I were you, unless you want it to disintegrate-along with the rest of you-“

Shit.

You had momentarily forgotten about Shigaraki’s dangerous quirk-one wrong move and you could be a heap on the ground, nothing more. The fingers around your mouth were delicate, knowing full well you wouldn’t try and escape. They drummed playfully against your mouth, as if taunting you to do something foolish. You felt how cold he was, the feeling of his chapped skin on yours disgusting as he toyed with your life in his hands. 

It was all a game for him-and he was winning.

“Look at him-“ Shigaraki ordered, the grip around your mouth suddenly tightening as he twisted your head to face Kirishima's misery.  

“You caused this, y/n. All this pain, all this suffering. If you leave, he will be the first we target. Well slowly go after each and every person you have ever loved, until we finally come for you.”

“Now, you don’t want that, do you?”  He asked, his face tilting in order to see your answer. You forced yourself to not look at him, refusing to give him the satisfaction of seeing the small tears running down your cheeks. 

All you could muster was a small shake of your head, the vibration of your movement going through Shigarakis finger tips.

Through the fists and clones he was trying to fight off, Kirishima could see you shaking your head, Shigaraki looking practically happy by your answer. A sinking feeling filled Kirishima's stomach as he saw your body language slouch in defeat. He Tried to call at you, to stop you from agreeing to whatever was coming out of Shigarakis lying lips, but at that moment one of the clones landed a solid punch to his stomach. Kirishima felt all the air leave out of his lungs , his knees wobbling and hitting the floor as his head spun from the pain.

Shigaraki still had his hold on you, watching how your face crumpled as you watched Kirishima fall and unable to help.

“Good, now, will you come and rejoin?” He asked one last time, motioning for his comrades to move away from Kirishima and back to their spot on the roof of the alleyway.

He knew now he had you under his finger, knowing the show he had just made you watched instilled enough fear for you to never leave his team again. He watched your eyes cower to give one last look at Kirishima's crumpled body, your shoulders tense with stress.

“I-I’ll rejoin the League,” you whispered out, feeling the hold Shigaraki had on you loosen. 

It was tearing you up inside to see Kirishima so bruised and hurt on the ground-you focused on the signs of him breathing, his broad chest rising and falling as he struggled to push himself back up. That small evidence gave you courage, your heart racing as you will yourself to continue with the plan you had secretly been concocting this whole time.

You grunted, a sly smirk erupting on your face.

“After I do this-“

You swiftly grabbed Shigarakis arm, twisting it in an excruciating position behind his back. He yelled out in pain, a string of curses filling the night as you rammed your fist into his chest, sending the air out of his lungs. He stumbled dramatically, dry coughs spewing out of his lungs as his knees hit the floor. 

“You no longer have power over me-none of you do,” you stood defiantly in that alleyway, watching your ex comrades stare at you in shock and awe. In all your time with the LOV, you had never defied them. Not once. You were always so obedient, which was why Shigaraki loved to have you around as a n asset to his team-you were so easy to keep around his finger. 

But now you were clearly being rebellious, your stony face telling the whole group you had changed-you didn’t give a damn about their threats and their rules anymore. You wouldn’t be coming back.

A burst of fear and extreme annoyance flooded Shigarakis' system, the pain of your kick aiding fuel to the flame. He growled, a curse directed at you dribbling from his lips as his thin legs wobbled his body weight up. His mouth opened to send you another string of curses, ready to unleash his full wrath on you for embarrassing him so much, until a characteristic siren filled the night air.

Kirishima propped himself onto his knees, a tried grin gracing his bruising lips.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you-“

His hand lifted, showing the whole group a small contraption in his hand. In the darkness of the alleyway it was hard to tell what it was, but it seemed Kirishima was holding a phone, a route to your location lighting up the screen.

“My mentor gave all us heroes-in-training a tracker, just in case we get into any trouble. While you were blabbering on about plans, I sent the heroes our location.”

Kirishima smiled triumphantly at the fearful faces of Shigaraki’s comrades, Shigarakis own fave contorted in rage. 

The sirens were slowly getting louder, the colors of blue and red dancing lightly against the stony walls of the alley way.

“So unless you wanna get caught by the heroes,” he added in, his tone surprisingly friendly, “ I suggest you go.”

Shigaraki seemed waver, trying to see if he could still get you back under the terrible circumstances. But the cops were practically here, the sounds of car doors slamming being heard. He had to admit it to himself-he lost this battle. He gave you one last scornful look, his bloody irises sending a shiver down your spine as he took off with his comrades, not leaving a trace.

You could already hear the police officers stepping out of their cars, fear flooding your stomach. Even though you had just defied the League, you were still a criminal. You had been doing illegal activities for months now-hell, you just stole a girls wallet 15 minutes ago and it was still in your damn pocket.

Even though a part of you was screaming for you to run as well, you fought off that flight response in order to help Kirishima off the floor.

His skin still feels warm, your hands making sure not to touch the tender parts of his skin from his fight. Even though he was smiling, you could tell he was in some pain. Your worst fear was already being realized-he got hurt over you. For you. You could never repay him for that, the guilt seeping into your core. 

“Kiri are you okay? Please tell me you are,” you pushed out, the tone of your voice desperate and pleading. “I’m so sorry-“

Kirishima looked up, his vermillion eyes as bright as ever as he caresses your cheek, sweeping the single tear off your face.

 “For what? You did nothing wrong y/n, you don’t have to be so sad over me-this is my job after all!” He chuckled, trying to lighten the mood as you began to help him stand up. He was slightly wobbly on his feet but seemed to be doing just fine. 

He gave you a small smile, a hint of worry in his eyes as he heard footsteps coming behind him.

“Just-let me do the talking, Kay?” He waited for you to give him a nod, his hands giving yours a gentle squeeze.

“Do you still have the wallet you stole?”

“The-? Oh, yeah, I do,” you stated quickly, the wallet resurfacing in your mind as you rummaged in your jacket, pulling it out and shoving it into his hand.

“Thanks,” he smiled at you, his cheeks warm as he faltered for the smallest second. 

It was evident he wanted to lean in and kiss you-the way he stared at your lips was quite evident and brought a blush to your cheeks. 

But Kirishima was still on duty, and couldn’t be so openly romantic when he was in his hero suit as well being approached by law enforcement. He instead opted to kiss your cheek, the smooth skin of his lips warming your whole body as he walked over to greet the police officer. 

Kirishima has spoke to the police officer for quite a while, a few others watching close behind as they surveyed you. You felt strange, standing there so alone as you watched Kirishima talk to the officer so warmly. 

You didn’t know what he was saying, or what he was doing, but you were hoping he was somehow sweet talking the officers. You watched him point to you at one point, his warm smile assuring your terrified face as the officer looked you up and down tentatively.

He motioned you to come over, as if trying to get a frightened animal to come near him. You followed his command, your steps hesitant as you approached the two men.

The officer face was hardened until he saw the look of terror on your face, his expression softening slightly.

“This is her?” He asked gruffly, turning to Kirishima.

“Yes,” he nodded his head in confirmation. “The LOV have been brainwashing her for their plans-she has intel the heroes could use to our advantage. Fat Gum’s agency needs her straight away in order to get that info from her. I promise we will get her in the system and any other information you may need on file.”

The officer gave you two a long look, sighing as he scratched his chin.

“Alright,” he complied, a huge smile erupting on Kirishimas face. “You two need a ride? You look pretty messed up.”

Kirishima gave a small chuckle, scratching the back of his head. “Uh-yeah, THAT'D be pretty nice actually-“

After the small car ride to Fat Gum’s agency, you had helped Kirishima out of the car and to Fat Gum’s office at the top floor. It seemed like someone had already alerted Fat Gum to Kirishima's arrival, because you two were instantly met by the pro hero with worried eyes once you reached his office.

“God Kirishima you had me so worried for a second!” He yelled, striding over to the bruised hero, “that receptionist really made it sound like you were in need of medical attention or something-“

“I’m fine Fat, you don’t gotta worry about me!” Kirishima said good naturedly, his perfect teeth glistening in the fluorescent lights. “I actually have some things I need your help with-“

“You definitely do if you're bringing a civilian into the office,” FatGum stared down at you with a warm smile, your heart beating guiltily. It was strange to see the hero in normal clothing in not in his larger form, his stature so much smaller it seemed from his usually large frame.

“The names Fat, but you can call me Taishiro!” He held out his hand in front of you, his bright personality radiating off of him, “and you are-“

“I-I’m y/n, sir,” you said hesitantly, taking your smaller hand in his. He was just as warm as Kirishima, like a bright ball of sun. 

No wonder Kirishima interned with Fatgum-he was just like him. Bright, fun, kind. Everything you so dearly craved for in your life, but couldn't quite grasp.

“I’m sorry, I’m not a civilian-I’m a criminal, a Villian,” you muttered sadly, your head hanging low, “well, I was-“

Fat Gum gave Kirishima a confused look, his happy exterior dropping slightly. 

“She was being forced to be a Villain by Shigaraki,” Kirishima quickly stepped forward, his tone serious as he defended you. “She wanted to leave the LOV, but they were threatening her.

“She didn’t do anything wrong-she just wanted to protect herself and the people around her.”

Fat Gum scratched the side of his cheek, his eyes lost in thought.

“Well Thats a strange situation to be in-I’m assuming you two know each other?”

You looked at Kirishima, red blossoming your cheeks just like his. 

Maybe it wasn’t the best time to tell his mentor that you had dramatically broke up with Kirishima over 3 months ago.

“We uh-“ Kirishima started, his voice wavering in uncertainty.

“We were classmates,” you chided in quickly, “I went to UA along with Kirishima, but the LOV forced me to leave the school.”

Fat Gum nodded his head, a sigh escaping his lips. “So-you’ve been working as a Villain, but against your will?”

You nodded your head, your breath caught in your throat as you awaited for the hero's reaction to this news of your true identity.

“This will get a little fuzzy legal wise, especially if people are looking for you-some may not trust what you say, even if you left the League and do everything in your power to change their minds.”

“Don’t worry though, I believe you,” the hero placed his hand in your shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “I believe Red Riot full heartedly in his perception of others and I’m pretty good at reading people too. I can tell youre not what the League tried to make you into.”

He sent you a warm grin, making you feel safe for what had felt like a long time.

“Would you be willing to answer questions about the League? about how they operate, how large they are, their plans-“

“Yes, anything to end them and help the heroes,” you answered quickly, your tone set in determination, “I’d be willing to do all of it.”

“Well that settles it!” Fat Gum said happily, the smile back on his face. “Tomorrow we’ll start talking to you about your experience with the League-but you two seem to need a well deserved nap.”

“Why don’t you keep her in your apartment Kirishima?” FatGum turned to the hero, Kirishimas dusted in pink by the proposition. “Shell feel

a little more comfortable since you're someone she knows, and she’s also close to the agency.”

Fat Gum gave you a soft smile, his eyes filled with reassurance. “Heroes will be around all day and all night, so nobody can come in and out.”

It surprised you how intuitive the hero was-he knew exactly how you were feeling. 

Even though you knew it was foolish, you still felt that somehow the League would find you and try to bring you back. You had clearly defied them, and it scared you that they be trying to get their revenge. 

But Fatgums charming smile was so reassuring and welcoming, you couldn’t give him a small smile back.

“I think I can manage that arrangement.”

“Good then,” he gave you two one last smile, ushering you two out the door, “make sure to get some rest-tomorrow will definitely be a long day. Make sure those injuries are doing well too, alright?”

You both gave the hero a curt response, turning your backs from the now closed doors.

Kirishima's heart began to beat intensely, his stomach filling with butterflies.

You had agreed to stay in his room? God, if someone had told him a few hours ago you’d be staying the night with him, he’d wouldn’t believe it for a second. But now this was happening, and he couldn’t be more ecstatic or nervous.

He stared at your profile, not missing the dusting of red on your cheeks-you were nervous too? It made him feel a little better inside, a small smile gracing his lips as he stretched out his hand.

“You ready?”

You looked down at the outstretched sha s in front of you, taking his palm in yours tentatively.

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” 

He lead you through the agency, taking an elevator a few levels down in order to get to the apartments specifically for the heroes in training.

It was a short trip, but the fatigue that wa a beginning to hit your body was making it feel so much longer. The adrenaline rush you had felt all night was wearing off, your eyes fluttering as you will yourself to stay awake.

Kirishima noticed your sleepy state, a small chuckle escaping from his chest.

“You feeling tired?”

“Just-a little,” you yawned out, wrapping your hands around your body.

“Don’t worry-were almost at my place,” he gave you a sweet smile, his hands outstretched for yours as the elevator door opened. You took it gratefully, letting him lead you to his door as he opened it with ease.

You stepped inside, adjusting from the darkness as you took in the sight in front of you.

The room smelled of him-the warm and musky scent ofhis cologne lingering in the air. It was almost teasing you with its memories, a wave of comfort washing over you as you recalled all the times you buried your nose into his neck and smelled his scent. 

His room was pretty neat, surprisingly, his desk organized and his walls decorated with a few posters. You recognized some from his old room at UA-a Crimson Riot, his favorite band, and even a calendar he used to use frequently.

Some areas of his room signaled the busy life of his work stidy, his unmade bed strewn with clothing he had hastily ripped off, a small pile of clothes in a pile and his laptop charging in a corner of the room.

Kirishima cursed himself as he looked around the room, painstakingly noticing every little detail and mess, hating how he hadn’t cleaned up his room that day.

“Sorry for the mess, I didn’t expect to have anyone,” he chuckled nervously, already going around and picking up his things.

“It’s fine-I like it,” 

You were speaking the truth when you said it-you liked how it was so him, showing a glimpse into his daily life. It was warm and comforting, even residential, to see him in his day to day life.

“You do?”

You hummed a “yes”, feeling your heart beat fast when Kirishima closed the gap between you two, his palms gently grasping your arms. He breathed in a deep sigh, holding you close.

“God, you don’t know how much I missed you,” he sighed out breathlessly.

“I missed you too Kiri,” you looked down, old guilt resurfacing inside you, “I’m still sorry for being so-so mean to you-I should have just told you the truth, I shouldn't have lied-“

Kirishima smiled softly, lifting your chin with his finger.

“Don’t worry about that! That was in the past-now it’s just you and me, kay? You don’t have to worry about any of that, now”

He gave you a long look, sorry buried in his brows as you ran his fingers along your skin, feeling the bags under your eyes. You inhaled a deep breath, loving the electricity Kirishima set into your skin just from his touch.

“You really are tired, huh?” He asked quietly, his voice husky from exhaustion himself.

“And you're not?” You gave him a quirky smile, making him blush with a chuckle.

“Well, I didn’t say that,” he gave you a small grin, his hands returning back to their spots on your arms.

“Do you wanna sleep? You can take the bed if you want-I know it’s not made, but I can sleep on the couch if you’d like-“

“I want to sleep with you,” you replied softly, your eyes widening once you realized what you had just said.

You wanted to sleep with him? God, you sounded so perverted! 

“I-I mean I want to go to bed with you-I didnt mean-I just didn’t want to make you sleep somewhere else, since this your room-“

Kirishima's face was incredibly red, but the smile was still plastered on his face.

“Oh it’s alright, I really don’t mind either way.“

He pulled himself away from you gently, as he began searching through his dresser for some clothes.

“So-bed together?”

“Yup!” You replied back, popping the p as You sat on the unmade bed, your fingers dragging against the plus fabric as Kirishima turned around, sitting in front of you as he handed you one of his shirts.

“I know you don’t have any pajamas, so you can wear one of my shirts until we get you some clothes.”

“Mm, sounds good,” you smiled tenderly, loving how close he was as you ran your hands through his hair.

He sighed into your touch as he nuzzled into your skin, his breath warm against your skin.

He sat there for a few moments, finally rising sluggish and slow.

“Gotta move-or I’ll fall asleep right there,” he chuckled, walking over to the front of his closet. He began to take off the pieces of his hero suit, the large gears on his arms hitting the floor with a thud.

You admired how broad his shoulders were, the way his muscles rippled so evidently as he moved his bones to his will. He was so perfectly built, you could t help but drool at the firmness of his skin.

“Having fun over there?,” he turned around, a shit eating grin plastered on his face as he undid the belt around his waist.

“Just a little,” you gave him a small grin, hear flooding your face as you held the shirt close to your chest.

“You can go change in the bathroom if you’d like-you don’t have to stay out here if you’re not comfortable,” 

“And what if I am?” 

You laughed at the clearly evident blush on his cheeks, his face trying to hide the rush of embarrassment.

“Your a handful,” he chuckled, his hand running through his hair nervously.

He knew you were joking, and you two had only sorta, maybe gotten back together lass than an hour ago-but damn if he wasn’t nervous and excited by you being so flirtatious-in his room. 

For the rest of the night. 

You gave him one last smile before you disappeared into the bathroom, your hands closing the door gently.

God, it felt so nice to be in his arms again, to feel safe and warm. You had missed the fluttering feeling Kirishima gave you, like you could fly away  at any moment and you could care less. You brought your nose to the cloth of the worn shirt, the powerful smell of his detergent and cologne washing over you. It was so comforting, a nostalgic feeling filling your body as you remembered how much you missed his scent. 

You quickly stripped of your clothes, happy to be free of the uncomfortable garments finally. Since Kirishima didn’t hand you any shorts to wear, you decided to only wear the shirt he had given you over your underwear. The softness of the shirt felt so relaxing against your tired skin, almost like getting a hug from the boy himself. You smiled a deep sigh, happy to see that the shirt was long enough to at least cover your underwear from plan view and you splashed your face with some cold water, rinsing away all the fears from tonight.

You would have a long day tomorrow answering questions about the League-you could at least give yourself tonight to forget and be worry free.

Kirishima was hastily changing before you came out of the bathroom, dreading the idea of you seeing him half naked as he swapped out of his hero suit. He opted to wear something comfortable, grey sweatpants and an old black tshirt, his body running frantically to clean his room. Now that he got the chance to properly clean his room, he was a mad man trying to make it to his liking. He shoved clothes into his closet, made his bed, even hiding cords under his bed. 

If you were going to be in his room, he was at least going to give off some impression of him being neat.

He was now laying on his newly made bed, his hands occupied with checking his phone as he heard the bathroom door opening, your footsteps soft on the carpet of his room.

He looked up, a question about to fall from his lips until his mind went completely blank at the sight of you.

There you were, standing in his room, looking as beautiful as ever wearing his shirt and nothing else. He couldn't help but stare at your legs, worshipping the curves as his mouth was agape from awe.

He didn’t fully prepare himself at the sight of you in his clothes, but god did you wear them so perfectly-

“You okay Kiri?” You gave a nervous laugh, striding over to the bed, settling your knees on the plush comforter.

The shirt road up from the movement t, showing more of those pretty thighs of yours that made him practically drool.

“Ne-never been better!” He tried to compose himself, his voice rising slightly.

God, he needed to get ahold of himself.

“You look pretty comfy,” he gave a small comment on your outfit, loving how bashful you look at the comment.

“Of course I am,” you replied back, crawling over to his side of the bed. He gulped at the sight of you coming so close to him, “I’m in your clothes after all.”

You sat your body next to Kirishima, your hand finding his as your other lightly rested on his stomach. 

“You know, I’ve always thought you looked good in anything,” he smiled, his eyes dark like wine, “but you wearing my clothes-you looked best in that,” 

“Really?” You gave the boy a shit eating grin, knowing full well you were playing a dangerous game now.

This night could end in two different scenarios: one could complicate things, and one could really complicate things.

You’d take the latter, if he was willing.

You shifted your body around him, straddling his waist as his shirt rode up, exposing your thighs even more.

“And what about when they're not on?”

Kirishima's heart beat at an insane pace in his chest-was this wrong to do? He didn’t know and frankly, he didn’t care at that moment.

He returned the smile, his hands traveling underneath the soft shirt.

“Even better.”

Tagging (anyone who commented or asked for a part 2- I tried to get everyone!):

@cellotonin​ @bakugous-forehead​ @lgbtonystarks​ @marrypuffsstuff​ @lady-bakuhoe​ @kurinhimenezu​ @hipster-merchant-of-death​ @hot-pocket01​ @bubblegum-bee-otch​ @kai-charm​

[jeonchan26]

Love Me Not (Part 2)

Theme; Angst...Very Angst.

Warnings; Heartbreak, Saddness. Super Low Self-Esteem. Abuse & Toxic Relationship. Mention of sex.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Congratulations you have been accepted to attended the University of Seoul. We cannot wait to see you and become part of our campus.”

You looked down at the paper in your hand. You couldn’t believe it you got accepted into the biggest university in Korea. You remember you were so excited to tell Jimin about your application but now you couldn’t share the happiest moment. You felt proud of yourself it was hard to get into the school but you manage to get accepted. Maybe this was your new beginning to be happy.

The day had finally arrived and you got ready for your first day at school. You were excited and nervous but mostly happy. You made your way around the campus trying to figure out your schedule. When somebody bump into you.

“Seriously you again!” You remember that voice like it was just yesterday it was screaming at you at the park.

“I’m sorry but you bumped into me” you told him in a quite voice. “Did I fucking ask you?” He stepped closer to you.

You looked down at your hands scared to say anything else. You didn’t want a repeat of last time.

“You know you still owe me for ruining my jacket last time” He was standing so close to you that you could feel his breath on your face.

“I’ll pay you for the dry cleaning” you tried stepping away but we’re stuck between the wall and his body.

“Nah, I have a better way for you to pay me. You know your not that bad looking when your not cover in coffee. From now on you’re my girl, got it. You do everything I tell you to do. If you don’t then I guess they would be some consequences” he told you feeling his hands on your waist.

“I’m sorry but I just got out of a relationship and I’m not ready for another one. I can pay you instead.” This guy had danger all over his face, he didn’t give you a good vibe. And besides that a relationship was the last thing you wanted at the moment. Moving on from Jimin wasn’t easy, he was your longest relationship somebody that showed you that happily ever after did exist. Maybe not for you but for everybody else.

“I don’t give a fuck what you want. I’m the head of the school, you wouldn’t want people to start talking about you. Would you?” He asked you with a smirk on his face.

The last thing you wanted was drama, you just wanted to lay low, finish your first year and be able to move on with your life. He wasn’t kidding you know he would make your life living hell. Maybe this can help you move on from Jimin. I mean he did move on from you rather quickly and this might not be the ideal relationship but it was something.

You were desperate to stop hurting, to stop yearning for Jimin to come back and tell you he loves you. You were tired of crying yourself to sleep at night because all you could think about was how Jimin was kissing and doing everything he did with you with her.

“Okay” You whispered.

“Glad we are on the same page baby” he said letting you go. You could breath again.

You walked towards your locker pulling your books out for your class when you looked to your right and saw the girl that was dating Jimin.

“What is she doing here?” You asked yourself.

She looked up at you and smile. “Hello Im Yuri, nice to meet you! Are you new here?” She asked you smiling at you so kindly.

“Umm yea today is my first day.”

“Oh goodie. You’re gonna love it. This is my last year.” She told you closing her locker giving you her ful attention.

“Oh really? What are you studying for?” You asked curiously.

“Business. I’m actually an intern at BigHit just started working there a few months ago.” There it was you knew it was her Jimin was dating. You gave her a fake smile and closed your locker saying goodbye to her making you way to class. Your first day and you already hate it.

School was finally over and you were at your locker when someone slam their body next your locker. “Hey baby” you heard Jake say give you a kiss on the cheek.

You felt yourself crinch a the feeling, it was nothing compare to Jimin’s kisses. “Stop thinking about him” you mentally smacked yourself.

“Let’s go the boys are waiting and I hate being late” he said closing your locker before you could finish and pulling you away rather harshly.

You saw Yuri talking on the phone, while having a huge smile on her face. You saw her jump from joy and that’s when you saw him. Waiting for her at the end of the gate. He looked so happy to see her. You felt your heart breaking you didn’t think it could break anymore than it already was. You missed him terribly and seeing him happy was just so heartbreaking.

“Hey stupid! I’m talking to you!” You heard Jake said smacking you on the head.

“I’m sorry. I was lost in thought”

“I honestly don’t know what could you possible be thinking about. You seem pretty stupid to me” Jake didn’t care about your feelings and to be honest with everything going on you felt like you deserved it for not being good enough. This is the only type of relationship you deserved to be in.

You couldn’t stop looking at Jimin and Yuri. You had to admit they were perfect for each other. Yuri was beautiful from head to toe, she was kind and had a wonderful personality. She was the perfect fit for Jimin. You loved everything about Jimin. Jimin was a whole package deal, he had an amazing personality, the cutest smile, he was drop dead handsome. He was an amazing dancer and singer. You couldn’t think of anything wrong with him. He was perfect and you could tell so was Yuri.

When you started dating Jimin it surprised you that a guy like him would even give you a chance. You were so normal so boring, why would he would give you the time of day. But Jimin proved to you that you were enough even if at the end you ended up getting hurt. You sigh getting pulled out of your thoughts when Jake and his friends laughed about something you were clearly not paying attention too. But their loud laughs grabbed the attention of the people walking by even Jimin.

You quickly looked away when you saw Jimin give you a confused look. “Hey babe, lets get out of here. What do you say we go back to your place?” Jake said pulling you harshly by your wrist. You could already feel a bruise coming.

“Oh umm maybe another time. I have tons of homework and I want to get it done before tomorrow” You lied. You didn’t want to risk being alone with him.

“Oh come on baby! Maybe I can help you with some of that homework.”

“No really It’s okay.” You said trying to get out of his hold.

“Maybe you didn’t understand what I’m trying to say. But I’m coming over to help you with your homework” Jake said with through his gritted teeth.

“Oh okay” you felt the pain in your wrist. Trying to mask the pain but failed miserably. Jake said goodbye to his friends and start walking towards his car you following like a lost puppy behind him.

You noticed Jimin was still staring at you, you quickly looked down at your feet and walked faster.

Jimin recognized the guy, he couldn’t forget the face of the low life who dare put hands on a woman, nether less you. But his couldn’t stop thinking why you were with him in the first place. He was pulled out of his thought when Yuri called out for him starting to walk away towards his car but not before sparing you a second glance. You face had some many emotions but the one that stood out the most was sadness.

You were back in your apartment, instead of doing homework Jake had other plans. You were in the shower trying to scrub off his scent, his touch everything out of your body. He was nowhere near as gentle as Jimin. Jimin was soft and gentle unless you wanted otherwise while Jake was rough and only care about himself not giving you the attention your body needed.

After what felt like hours your got out of the shower and just threw on one of Jimin’s old shirt that he left behind. It still smelled like him, hugging yourself feeling safe.

You stared at the wall infront of you wondering what you did to deserve this. Why couldn’t you be happy? You kept thinking of everything that was wrong with you. That is why Jimin left you.

That was all that was going through your mind.

The doorbell went off pulling you out of your thoughts. Walking rather slowly towards the door you opened it not bothering to ask who it was. What else could go wrong that night.

You were shocked to see a very out of breath Jimin on the other side of the door.

“Jimin what are you doing here?” You questioned.

Jimin took a while to answer you taking in how you looked. He noticed the bruises on your neck and your arms. He felt angry but only because he still cared about you... right?

“Can I come in?”

“Oh umm sure.” You moved away from the door to let him in closing it behind him. Making your way towards the living room. Sitting down on the couch him following your steps. This brought you back memories and not the good ones.

“Why are you here?” You asked.

“Why were you with that guy? Wasn’t he the same guy you bumped into at the park?” Jimin asked giving you a confused look.

“Oh jake? Yea he is umm my boyfriend?” You said looking down at your hands to scared to see Jimin’a reaction.

“Im sorry Your what?” He almost yelled.

Part 3 coming soon🦋

[markley]

amortentia — wjh

summary — where complicated feelings are so easily revealed with a simple potion

genre — hogwarts au, fantasy, fluff, comedy

warnings — n/a

word count — 2.5k

a/n — my first harry potter au! if u arent a slytherin im sorry :(

“hello class,” your potions proffesor says, looking out to the rest of the tired morning class. “for the next few days we are learning about amortentia. can anyone tell me what it is?”

many hands raise, not including your own. you knew, but didnt really care enough to answer the question, opting to read the section on the strong love potion in the textbook in front of you. suddenly, something hits the back of your head, and you turn to face wen junhui, or jun, balling up another piece of small parchment in his hands.

if there is one word to describe jun, it’s infuriating. normally, students from the same house tend to get along, but that definitely did not occur between you and jun, both headstrong slytherins with a need to be right— not traits for a good friendship.

it started when junhui questioned whether you were talented or not, as you were always so quiet and never showed any particular skill in wizadry. he challenged you to a duel, and lost. ever since then he has made it his duty to bother and annoy you until school ends, while you make sure to never give him the last laugh.

honestly, the bickering has just become a game of cat and mouse, and although its tiring, you wont lose. besides, what’s the fun in that?

“uh,” you start awkwardly, fully aware of jun’s silent laugh behind you. “a strong love potion that causes obsession rather than actual love? i believe it also varies in smell.”

“uh,” you start awkwardly, fully aware of jun’s silent laugh behind you. “a strong love potion that causes obsession rather than actual love? i believe it also varies in smell.”

“uh,” you start awkwardly, fully aware of jun’s silent laugh behind you. “a strong love potion that causes obsession rather than actual love? i believe it also varies in smell.”

mr. min looks satisfied, shaking through his dark hair with a hand. “correct, but don’t think i won’t notice you not paying attention ms. kwon.” he continues on explaining the properties of the tonic. you turn around slightly to glare at a smirking junhui, clearly proud. you shake your head, already thinking of ways to get him back.

the rest of the class period consisted of you taking notes on both the actual subject and mental notes on ways to make jun’s life absolutely miserable. the bell finally rings, signaling the end of class, and you jump up before jun is able to talk to you like he always insists.

you hear his annoying—albeit nice—voice from behind you, a teasing pout. with a roll of your eyes, you walk away to find your brother, soonyoung, knowing he’s somewhere in the hallways near you. although he is a hufflepuff, and an annoying as hell brother, you found him much easier to get along with than those of your own house— example? jun. obviously. 

soonyoung giggles as you approach him, a teasing smile playing along his lips. “aw, look at that. mr. slytherin is sad you’re avoiding him.” he says. you punch the redhead’s arm, not even needing to look back to know he’s right. jun always pouts. soonyoung insists he really likes you, but you know better—if the constant teasing and pranking is anything to go by. besides, you hated the boy anyway, even though soonyoung disagrees with that as well.

mr. min yells out a small “remember to be prepared tomorrow” throughout the dungeon hall. you turn to the professor, allowing junhui to finally catch up to you, putting an arm around your shoulder, with soonyoung long gone. “hey babe,” jun says, grinning, “good job on that thing today. fucking hilarious.” rolling your eyes, you shrug his arm off.

“fuck--”

“me?”

“off!” you correct, groaning internally at his constant teasing. he just smiles that same crooked grin before walking away with a mumble you didn't quite catch but sounded something like ‘you would.’ oh, how you hate him. or at least that’s what you tell yourself. 

whether you hated the guy or not, he was undeniably gorgeous and sometimes— only sometimes— kind of funny. but you still hated him. never have you been so easily annoyed with a human being before. 

with a small shake of your head, you walk back to your dorm to think of a way to embarrass junhui after potions today. you get there quickly as its right by potions class, but even by this time you had an idea, and not a pretty one. 

if there was one thing junhui prided himself on, it was his skillset. whether that was charms or potions, he was cocky about succeeding in it all. using this, you think of a great way to embarrass him the way you were embarrassed earlier— making a fool out of himself under mr min’s eye. oh how very fun this will be. 

on the other side of school, jun was bribing soonyoung for information on you, already knowing you were attempting to get back at him. you were known for needing the last word, after all. soonyoung being the kind hufflepuff brother he is, at least tried to avoid jun, but eventually gave up at jun’s offer of endless sweets. can you blame him? well yes, and you do the next day before potions when he lets it slip that he told junhui the name of your old crush— not that junhui knows its old. 

how you and soonyoung are siblings? you will never know.

the only thing giving you solace from punching soonyoung in the face is knowing the prank you are about to pull on junhui. the prank in question is completely fucking up his potion, a prank soonyoung called “absolute evil.”

in class, you were to make your own batch of amortentia, a difficult feat on its own, although quite easy for you and jun. the best part is to soon come, when you throw in something most definitely not in the potion. specifically something to make it explode.

maybe soonyoung was right. mr. min was not an easy teacher to impress but was definitely an easy teacher to disappoint—and jun hates disappointing professors.

you were evil. guess thats why you fit perfectly in slytherin—or atleast according to the rest of the school.

when class starts, mr. min is already talking about failure. “don’t worry,” he says, “i already know most of you will fail.” with that last piece of what was probably meant to be encouragement, everyone begins to work on the difficult potion.

soon after everyone barely makes it to the middle of the workload, you have already finished, and jun is right behind you. he moved away from his cauldron to fetch the last ingredient, and you take it as your time to throw in a little bit of porcupine quills quickly, an easy way to make his potion turn into something not made for love.

with a small smile at no one noticing, you return to your own finished product, mr. min looking at it in satisfaction. suddenly, a small pop is heard from behind you where jun is standing in front of a bright green potion— well, more like covered in it.

you burst into silent giggles at his predicament, mr. min having an opposite reaction, instead glaring at the failure. junhui himself glares too, but instead at you, with eyes full of hatred. you can’t help the feeling of pride spreading across your chest, which then drops at mr. mins snarl.

“who did it?” he asks, looking around and then stopping at you. you throw your hands up in the air with an exclamation of ‘it wasn’t me!’. the professor doesn’t seem convinced, raising an eyebrow. he then plucks a porcupine quill off your robes, and you give up. “that’s what i thought.”

you look over to jun, standing still in the green mess, but with an obvious smirk on his face. you mentally face palm at yourself for failing at making jun an embarrassment. fuck the little shithead...

“the both of you,” mr. min speaks, pointing to a downtrodden and no longer smiling junhui, “are to clean this mess up, as well as the entire class. oh, and the storage while you are at it. don’t break anything.” and with a small groan of protest from jun, the class is dismissed. mr. min struts out of the dungeon classroom, but not before flicking his wand towards jun’s robes, now spotless.

with a slam of the dungeon door, you and junhui are left alone. “this is your fault,” junhui snarls, pointing a perfectly manicured finger in your direction. “why do i always get looped in with you?!”

“because you started it. and you always retaliate.” you say with ever growing frustration. jun groans in irritation, looking as if ready to stab you at any given moment.

“how the hell are you and soonyoung siblings?” he asks, shaking his head while walking to the corner to begin cleaning.

“i ask myself that question everyday.”

after that small conversation, the two of you start cleaning up the green mess and then the rest of the dungeon classroom. it took a good hour or two, and you still hadnt even organized the messy storage yet. the entire time while cleaning you and junhui hadnt talked to each other, only sparing a few hate-filled glances and eye rolls.

the storage closet was a mess of premade potions and ingredients. it was so chaotic you feel the need to ask mr. min the last time he even thought about organizing it. shelves upon shelves held bottles of colors: red to black to clear. almost every potion in existence was held in this small closet.

you can’t help but find your fingertips brushing across the bottles of pretty tonics. jun follows you into the small space to clean after seeing you ogling instead of doing your job. “get to cleaning.” he says, already starting his organization process of what seems to be putting the potions in rainbow order.

rolling your eyes, you begin to help, grabbing the bottles of liquid. a small bright pink vial grabs your attention as you brush through the bottled ingredients. you pick it up, swishing the thick potion within the glass. with a cock of your head, you open it to be met with a strong fume of what seems to smell like... junhui? the boy in question is still diligently cleaning the small closet behind you, unknowingly to you, staring at you from his peripheral vison.

you take another sniff, hoping to be wrong—but no. that smell is distinctly jun; musky yet sweet. a hand grabs the bottle from you, peering at the label. “what does it smell like?” jun asks, raising an eyebrow at your extremely confused expression. “it’s amortentia, dumbass.”

at this, you grab the potion back, not believing him. there is no way in hell amortentia would smell like jun. however, the infuriating guy was right. the bottle was in fact labeled amortentia. your breathing hitches, and you can’t seem to come up with any words— or even look up at the boy in front of you.

jun seems to get more confused every second you dont answer him. “um, y/n? you alive there?” you finally look up, coughing awkwardly and handing him the vial back.

“yeah, im fine dork.”

“ouch. dork? im a nerd at best.”

“shut up, you nerd.” he smiles at your unconscious correction, turning back to the amortentia bottle unaware to the racing thoughts and heart you are currently dealing with internally. why, why would amortentia smell like the one person you hate the most behind soonyoung?!

“i bet it smells like minghao.” at this blunt statement you snap your head to a smirking jun. “i mean, you do like him right?” you remember soonyoung saying how jun bribed him with chocolate for this information and you write a mental note to kill your brother later.

“liked,” you mumble, walking as far away from the grinning asshole in front of you. the last thing you need is junhui teasing you about a crush while the strongest love potion ever smells like him. “as in no longer. over. done with. blah blah blah.”

“anyway, are you almost done with the rest of the potions?” you quickly change the subject of your old crush and the potion that reeks of your number one enemy. the questions in your head still wont end and you want to leave as soon as possible.

“wait wait wait,” jun says, very insistent. “if you dont like minghao anymore, who does it smell like?”

“why the fuck do you care, junhui?”

“i dont,” he says, twidling his thumbs awkwardly, but still staring you down with his dark eyes. “im just... curious.” that isnt entirely true and you can hear it in his hesitant voice.

you groan and glare at the brunet boy. you take the bottle, and pretend to smell it again, but already know your answer. it smells like the forest you found him in one night after curfew, that you just happened to be sneaking out to as well—that was the first time you two ever got along, agreeing to not turn each other in. the potion also smells of the fruity shampoo jun uses, and the mint gum he always chews. you hate to admit it, but the potion smells exactly like how you envision jun. and whatever that may mean, its true.

“the forbidden forest at midnight, mint gum and lemon-y shampoo.” you finally answer after a lot of internal debate of whether to be honest or not. pushing the bottle back to him, you begin to leave the small closet like space. jun reaches out an arm quickly, grabbing on to your wrist.

“that,” he starts, recognizing the scents as his own. “smells like-“

“i know,” you whisper, pulling your arm away. not ready to take his reaction, you start to run away and jun’s next words are the only thing that stop you.

“do you want to know what it smells like to me?” junhui says hopefully, but entirely expecting you to walk away. “hair dye and strawberries.” stopping, you turn back to jun. he had moved closer, now nose to nose with you. your breath hitches, and you almost think you arent breathing. “just like the purple hair dye you put in my shampoo and the strawberries i always see you eat every. single. meal.”

you look up to meet his piercing eyes that bore into yours with such intensity it takes your breath away. you look away for him to softly grab your chin. “look at me, please.” his voice is the softest you’ve ever heard it, just a whisper.

“what does that mean, jun?”

“it means look at me.” you glare up at him, him chuckling in return. he places his forehead against yours, and the exact mint gum scent that you smelled in the love tonic hits your nose. “it means i like you, dork.” jun’s lips move closer to yours every word he speaks until they are just barely touching

“im a nerd at best.” you mumble before pushing your mouth against what you believed to be your enemy’s. mental note: kill soonyoung later, for being right

maybe there really is a thin line between love and hate.

[marvelsior]

five times kissed

MY FAVORITE MEME || always accepting! || @sensesdialed​

The first time was Peter’s 18th birthday, to the minute. Gwen had been on patrol, his gift in her backpack, until her watch alerted her that it was time to start swinging to the Parker apartment. Within the hour, Gwen was knocking on the boy’s window once her watch alerted her that it was officially Peter’s birthday. She was greeted with that grin she would always remember–one that this Peter and her Peter would forever share. Peter Parker had made it past 17 in this universe, and it made her happy and sad all at once. Her Peter would never make it to 18, he’s been gone for years. 

Gwen sees the welcome packet for Peter’s college on his desk, the Spiderwoman removing her mask and smiling as Peter opened the window and let her in. “Excited for school?” she asked, gesturing to the desk’s contents as he grinned. “Of course! Y’know, you didn’t have to come here Gwen, it’s late! Aren’t you tired?!” Peter asked, brown eyes shining with concern as she waved him off and pulled her backpack off her shoulders to retrieve his gift. “I was out already on patrol, but I would rather die than miss my best friend’s birthday! I need to be the first to give you a present, it’s my duty as a best friend. Besides Ned, of course.”

Peter’s face lit up at her words, the Spiderwoman pulling out the wrapped package and handing it over to him with a smile. “Happy Birthday Petey,” she murmured, dark eyes watching him gently pull off the paper, only for his eyes to widen and immediately look to her. A camera. One she knew would be great for all sorts of shots–and vlogging as well. “How–?”

“You mentioned it once. In both universes,” Gwen answered, avoiding his gaze only for a minute or two as she zipped up her bag and placed it back on her back. Her heart ached only slightly, the more time she had spent with Peter over this last year of being in this universe made it hurt less and less. Honestly, it would always hurt at least a little, but she’d never been happier with the way her friends and family were all still here-in some form, at least. She takes a few strides to his side, turning the box over in his hands and pointing out specifications, showing him how this was both for photography and can also be for video, and that her mom bought some extra batteries for it, they’re in the box. She blinked and there were arms around her, Peter’s face in her shoulder thanking her as she wrapped her own arms around his waist and kept him close. “You’re welcome Pete…” 

Soon she’s on her way back to patrol, jumping over the railing as sticky feet keep her attached to the side of the building facing him as she placed her mask over the top half of her face, her grin still showing as she leaned up so she was eye-level with him. “Coney Island tomorrow?” she asked, and Peter agreed, those brown eyes shining bright in the city lights around them. Gwen Stacy had always loved Peter Parker. With every fiber of her being, she did. Unfortunately, in her universe it decided that wasn’t meant to be….and she didn’t realize just how much she loved him until he was gone. Here? Here she had a second chance to be the best friend her Peter deserved; to protect him. Now here he was, eighteen years old, going off to college in two months. He made it. Both Spider warriors hadn’t realized just how long they’d been quietly staring at each other until Gwen’s watch went off again, startling her enough to almost lose her grip on the railing–prompting Peter to flail to try and catch her–but she righted herself in time for the two of them to be inches away. She’s not sure what came over her, but moments later she leaned up and gently pressed her lips to his. She lingered for a moment or two, pulling away and very happy that her mask covered most of her face as she pulled it down and sputtered out. “Sorry, I shouldn’t-couldn’t–I’ll see you tomorrow!” and swung away. Shit. Gwen you’re an idiot what the fuck.

What she didn’t expect, was the blur of red and blue following after her moments later.

The second time was a time after Peter’s birthday, after Coney Island, after the night of Peter’s birthday where Spiderman followed Spiderwoman until he caught up–many more kisses happened between then and this time. It was Peter’s sophomore year of college, and he’d told Gwen on multiple occasions how the dorms were miserable. Flash was always there. How Flash and Peter ended up at the same school was beyond them, but it was ridiculous how the bully never took a hint; or grew up. Fucking Flash. Gwen had appeared at Peter’s dorm the night before; the three of them (Gwen, Peter and Ned) had a movie night with a blanket fort and fell asleep on the floor. The next morning she found herself in Peter’s bed with a note explaining he went to class, he’d be back in a few hours. Ned was gone for most the morning and he came back around 10am. 15 Minutes later she heard the familiar sound of Flash antagonizing someone–her Spidey sense alerted her that it was Peter moments before she heard a body hit the door. 

Gwen signaled for Ned to stay where he was, slowly creeping to the door and opening it a crack to see Peter struggle to his feet, wiping away some blood on his lip before he faced Flash again. Gwen was fortunate to not have had to deal with Flash directly, Peter had known how she didn’t want the high school to know she was here. She wasn’t their Gwen, she was too old for high school so it wasn’t like she could ‘come back’. Peter had protected her by keeping her existence a secret from their peers, just as apparently he was protecting her now. Flash was saying something about Peter being weak, about how it was his fault Gwen was dead because she went up there to meet him. Both Gwen and Peter froze on their respective sides of the door, by now Peter sensed Gwen watching and moved so he was between Flash and where she was. From there, Flash explained what he’d done–he was the one who sent the Gwen in this universe to that place. He wrote it and signed it from Peter, so Gwen would get ‘stood up’ by the boy she actually liked, just so Flash could make his move on her…but she died instead.

Gwen could feel the sorrow bubbling up in Peter’s chest, brown eyes watching his fingers twitch-wanting so badly to turn into a fist but Peter’s too good for that. Too pure. The last 5 years, Peter had beaten himself up about Gwen’s death. From 14 to 19 years old he believed it was all his fault–just as Gwen had felt these last 7 years with her Peter. Eventually, the Spiderwoman had enough and threw open the door, prompting Flash to turn white as a sheet and back away as if she was a fire coming straight for him. “G-Gwen?!” She felt Peter’s gaze on her, sensed him reaching out for her, and she placed her hand in his awaiting one before she pulled him against her, free hand gently wiping away some blood from his lip. She felt Peter instantly deflate in her grasp, just as she always did when she was angry and he was there, Now Gwen was angry. Peter had put up with SO much abuse at the hands of Flash; now this madness had to end. “For the record, Flash Thompson?” Gwen’s voice was smooth as silk, but her gaze and the edge of her tone was icy as the frozen tundra as she turned to face the cowering teen before her. “I would rather die than be with you. Fuck. Off.” Flash took the hint and fled the scene, Gwen turning her attention back to her injured boyfriend as Peter’s forehead leaned against hers. 

“He’s gonna tell everyone, you know…” he pointed out, prompting a shrug from Gwen. “Let ‘im. I don’t care anymore,” she answered, cupping his face in her hands and pressing a slow kiss to his lips, which was eagerly reciprocated by her spider-love. Two seconds later, there’s Ned; wrapping both of them in a tight embrace, exclaiming “THAT WAS SO BADASS, GO GWEN!”

The third time was after Gwen had been accepted into the Masters program, the two of them moving into a dorm/apartment on campus together for Pete’s second half of Sophomore year and Gwen’s first semester in her Masters program. Both of them on either side of Gwen’s bed, feet touching as they both kept taking notes and highlighting things they would need later. It had been hours, and Gwen’s eyes were starting to hurt. Maybe she should take a break. Peter gets up and stretches, Gwen’s gaze moving from her book to her boyfriend as he did so–she never got tired of being around him. She figured he was on his way to the bathroom, or the kitchen to get a snack, but moments later she was greeted with Peter inches from her face and placing a hand over her book.

“Hi,” she chuckled as she turned to face him, a sleepy smile across Peter’s features as he cups her cheeks and pulls her in for a kiss, prompting the elder spider warrior to run her fingers through brown curls. Free hand closes her book before she shifts so he’s standing between her legs and she’s sitting on the side of the bed, their kiss only breaking when they need air. “Time for a break,” Peter breathed, smiling when Gwen leaned in for another quick kiss. “Alright, alright. You know it’s bad when you are the one telling me we need to take a breather.” 

The fourth time was at both their graduations. Each major had a separate ceremony based off which ‘college’ your major was sorted into. First was Peter’s, then Gwen’s, then The Parkers and The Stacys threw the two a graduation party–one that Tony insisted he pay for and hold at Avengers Compound. Either way, it was just madness, and after they cut the cake the two spider warriors fled the large room where everyone was gathered with their desserts and hid in one of the nearby living rooms. Their senses were going a little haywire with the amount of noise and people in the room, they just needed a few minutes to themselves. 

Gwen was about halfway through her cake when she leaned into Peter’s shoulder and pressed a quick kiss to his neck. “I’m proud of you Petey,” she whispered, looking up at him as Peter grinned. “I’m proud of you two Gwendy.” Honestly, years ago she hated ‘Gwendy’, but it grew on her–but only if Peter was the one to call her that. 

The next kiss that followed was soft, sweet, just like Peter himself. Honestly Gwen wasn’t sure what she did to deserve him. She’d been so hardened by the world when she came to this universe, and now? Now she had more to live for. She had both her parents (father from this universe, mother that birthed and raised her), Uncle Ben and Aunt May (the former from her universe, the latter from this one), Mary Jane (her universe) and now Peter. Among so many others she’d grown to know and love over the years. Soon the two of them are stretched out on the couch in the kiss, Peter hovering above her as her hand keeps him anchored by the back of the neck. The kiss was still so soft, and she loved every second of it. She loved him more than anything, more than life itself. These last few years opened her eyes to a love she never knew she could feel, and it had almost completely eradicated the pain she felt when she first came here. Breaking away for air, Gwen stroked dark curls away from his face gently as Peter playfully flopped on top of her, arms wrapping around her waist as she chokes out a laugh; a little winded from pure muscle landing on her. 

“Thank you, Petey…” she murmurs a few minutes later, fingers playing with dark curls as he looks up at her. “For what?” he asked, those beautiful eyes locking onto hers as she smiled. “For loving me.”

Spiderman smiled once more, moving so he’s hovering above her once more, pressing his lips to hers in a deep, loving kiss before he speaks again. “Always, Gwendy. Always and forever.”

The fifth time was after a mission had gone wrong. Stark and the other male members of the Avengers had disappeared for days, only to reappear for Carol and a few others to bring them home. Gwen had been stationed at the Compound; the female Avengers going out to look for them in shifts. One day in the city, one day back at the compound. Not even the X-Men could find them with Cerebro. 

Today Gwen was pacing the living room, Natasha anxiously toying with her multiple weapons spread out across the coffee table before both spiders heard the Quinjet land in the hangar. It was early. Gwen bolted for the hangar, Natasha on her heels, and she arrived in time to see a disheveled mop of brown curls appear at the top of the ramp, blue and red suit filled with holes and covered in dirt, a hand gripping his opposite upper arm in pain, but otherwise alive. “Petey…” she breathed, eyes watering as he looked up and saw her.

Both spider warriors stumbled towards each other-Peter’s clumsiness from his horrific experience and Gwen’s from the shock of seeing him again-just for lips to crash together. Gwen’s fingers instantly tangled in soft hair, strong arms looping beneath her legs after she launched herself into him, legs wrapping around his waist to keep herself upright. “I’m okay, I’m okay,” he breathed against her lips, Gwen pressing several heated kisses there before breaking away and peppering multiple all over his face before she wrapped arms tight around his neck, resting her chin atop his head. 

“I thought I lost you again…” She whispered, feeling Peter press a soft kiss to her neck before burying his face there. 

“Gonna take a lot more than that to kill me Gwendy. Promise.” 

“I’m holding you to that…” 

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

[sophieyouneedtogetbetter]

Journal entries

December 11th 2018

I see no point in anything anymore, i am so lonely and sad. No one likes me and no one cares for me. I get myself into situations that i can't get out out of. I act out on the ones who love me, they shouldn't forgive me, but they do anyways.. 

I am just a big problem and i am misunderstood. No one knows how i feel half the time, it's so hard to describe. I feel like I couldn't be fixed even if i tired. 

I am so unmotivated and lazy, i try to get things done but i get to distracted and pulled into a cold spiral of depression or anxiety. It's hard to do anything now, i am so scared that i will never be good enough or i wont get into college or even get through this year alone.

I need to stop going to others for my own happiness and find it myself. I need to stop getting into relationships just to not feel lonely.  

My grades are dropping and i will never get anywhere, all my teachers and friends are disappointed in me and they also think i wont get anywhere either. 

Everyone is always worried about me because they think i will cut myself again or try and kill myself. I don't want to die i just want to be happy and be normal. 

I’m sick and tired of being so problematic and always sad or tired. But i am always sad and tired and i don't know what to do about it. 

I am always so paranoid and it's scary because sometimes i dont know whats real and whats not, sometimes i feel like i'm almost lucid dreaming or in a movie or something. I feel like i'm drifting and something is pulling me back and they won't let go. My mind gets all blurry and i can't focus, i feel like still things are moving on their own. 

I feel exhausted on days where i've had a good night's rest, i just dont want to feel like this anymore, it's a living hell. I want to be free from this feeling.. 

February 27th 2019

it’s a new year.. i thought things would get better but they have gotten worse. i’ve got a new therapist and she’s not helping. i’ve been cutting a lot lately and i’m very scared. sunday i cut very deep, there was a lot of blood. i felt nauseous and sick and the thing that scares me the most is that i thought i was done, i thought that i was gonna bleed out and hours later when it was about dinner time my parents would find me dead. but that didn’t happen i’m here and i’m alive. something that makes me terrified is that the one thing that i go to for release isn’t giving me that adrenaline and satisfaction that i’ve felt before and now i sit here and ask myself what am i gonna go to next, and i’m gonna go to hard drugs or even worse.. suicide.. i don’t want to die but the thing is that i black out when i cut and what if i was to cut to deep and actually bleed out and die. i don’t want that to happen.

while i type this i’m very scared and anxious, i’ve never thought that it would get like this. i would never think i would find myself in my room scared and out of control of my actions with harming myself. just one little accident and it would be all over. i could do it now but i don’t want to. i don’t want to ever die. i need to get my shit together, i know what i need to do to feel happy again but i don’t want to. saddens has consumed me and it’s so damn comfortable. i need to get my shit together, maybe tomorrow maybe in five years but i guess for now i will fake it.

2021 January 13th

I don't wanna do this anymore. I'm in such a deep depression I'm so tired and so exhausted and miserable. The only good thing I have going is my relationship and friends which I good but I want my home life to be okay. I could give a fuck less about school or anything really just so I can feel at home again so I can be happy. Its sucks because I  Rely so much on other people's emotions for my own. I can't be happy if everyone else isn't and i wanna fix it I wanna fix the way I feel but how do I do that when no body is listening. I'm 17, I don't have my license or a job, how am I suppose to find tools without having other tools. I need a therapist but they are so backed up even if I do put in an application for one ill be at the bottom of the list and it'll be probably a good month before I get one. I don't know what to do anymore.

February 22 2021 

I get it not everything is resolved around me, but what's it going to take for someone to notice I am so fucking alone, that I am constantly fighting with myself constantly fighting to stay alive, always wondering what I'm doing wrong always thinking everyone hates me. It fuckinh exhausting I am so fucking tired I let everyone walk all over me always taking advantage of my empathy. What is wrong with me what am I doing wrong for people to not like me, I hate the fake excuses to not talk to me, I hate the snarky comments and all the glares. I feel like im sinking and everyone else around me is swimming everyone else is floating along while I'm drowning I'm trying to hard to stay up above the water what I know how easy it would be to sink, I want to sink. But what's going to happen if I do sink, will I swim with the fish or will I be eaten up by the sharks. Will this ever end, will I ever stay afloat. Will I ever find the confidence or the strength or the tools to stay alive. 

April 11th 2021 

Yesterday you expressed to me that your not sure if you want to be with me and how I am pretty to much for you and your not sure if you want a relationship, we laid down and after a couple minutes I told you that 2 years ago today you first told me you loved me which was kinda ironic considering the circumstances. We then had sex, which I insisted only because I knew it would make everything better. You wanted me to go to a party that I really didn't wanna go to but I went because I knew if I didn't I had really lost you. You said so many different things that night how you know  you love me and how you care about me but how your mindset tells you otherwise and how you're not attached to me as much as I am to you. You left this morning and I texted you and asked how your day was and ypu ignored me. You said you are going to take me out to eat tonight but I just have this gut feeling that either 1 it's not going to happen or 2 it will and it'll be the last time I see you. I don't know if I can get past this, it hurts way to much. You're my best friend my person love I don't want to lose you I don't want to be alone I don't want to see you with other people. It's Hurts so much and I try and say it's my fault that it hurts so much because I overthink so much and that I just can't except love but I can but I say it's my fault so you won't leave. What else am I going to justify so you won't leave. I can't keep doing this. Maybe its just right person wrong timing, or maybe im just too fucked up to be loved by anyone. And the sad thing is If thinking about you and replaying our memories in my head is the closest thing to having you then I’ll do it no matter what . I’d drop everything to spend time with you but you wouldn’t do the same for me.

June 21st 2021 

God what has happened. I've repressed to my old feelings, old playlist, old memories etc.. suicide has been heavy on my brain the past few days, same with self harm and just leaving everything behind and leaving. I feel so lost and helpless and confused into why I am feeling like this again. I cried the other day, the same kind of cry a baby cries when it misses its mother. I have this thought in my head running back and forth of wether I'm okay or I'm not. I'm constantly catching myself spacing off into old memories, like 8th grade. The feeling of being so numb and so tired that nothing could ever fix this feeling like I am so comfortable and so certain that I'm going to feel like this forever. I feel like a zombie. I feel bored. I feel useless. I feel tired, not the sleep tired. Just tired. Tired of pushing and pulling. My brain feels like mush. My body feels heavy and weightless at the same time. My chest feels tight and my eyes feel heavy. I feel comfortably miserable. I miss when I never had to give a shit about anything like school and work and dissipating people. I've done so good lately and held my shit together so well and it's so surprising because deep down I am screaming and begging for a break for someone to say it's okay to feel like shit and have them not be disappointed in me for falling apart. I think about the day I'll let someone read these entries, I think about the day that I'm completely giving up and I release these all over social media. I know that sounds desperate but maybe someone would read these and think maybe there not alone. I feel like I would scare everyone if they knew how I felt. I wonder what I'm feeling is valid of bullshit or maybe its just my hormones or seasonal depression. Or maybe it's just my day to day life. Something I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. (Keyword maybe means yes it's your everyday life) 

June 22nd 2021 

We're on a "break". I don't even know how to feel, I should be crying right now begging you to not leave and to love me and to just change. But I'm not, I'm so calm and unbothered and just numb. I'm so fucking numb. It's like I don't even care it's like im already over it. I guess I wasn't surprised. I don't really have much to say. But I can say this is going to hit me like a train. One little thing, and I think I'm going to snap. 

September 8th 2021

I don't think I can keep doing this anymore, I don't think I can keep fighting. I don't want to, I don't want to deal with these feelings. I can't remember the last time I actually felt okay. I want to feel normal again. I am losing myself. I am losing my mind and I am trying so fucking hard to hold on. I feel like a prop in some shitty movie. I feel like I'm just a background character, if that makes any sense. I am constantly scared, I am constantly having these thoughts of hurting myself. I keep dreaming of better days but everyday is just a nightmare. I  think of admitting myself somewhere, like sending myself away. Somewhere where I don't have to worry about this shit. Somewhere safe, somewhere there are people like me and understand me.

September 15 2021

I  find myself thinking about sending myself away, not because i need to just because i want to. I guess you could say “ need in one hand and want in the other and see which one fills up faster” but i honestly have come to the point where nothing feels real anymore, nothing feels good anymore. Everything hurts everything is scary and everything is unfair. Life is so unfair. Its even worse that i continuously have shitty things happen to me. I have so much untreated trauma that i think im coming to the point where i dont care anymore. I dont care about anything. I don't feel like existing, trying, dealing or fuckinh anything. I can't feel anything, I am so numb. Numb to my core. I am so desperate to feel better. I am going to feel like this forever, I am always going to be a broken person with a broken heart with a broken mindset. 

[constantodyssey]

untitled one through eight (-three)

nov. 4 2016 

day in day out walking from place to place no one ever stops to find out what the world could be like if things were different if things were better

we’re all numb we’re numb to the politics we’re numb to society numb to the international troubles the world is facing the constant threat of war taking everything for granted because we’re too ignorant and numb to stop and find out what the world would be like if we tried to make it  a better place.

- 

nov. 5 2016 

my brain is being torn into parts pieces and parts that no one can figure out how to repair swirling spinning ripping my mind flows into several directions i try desperately to grab hold of whats left tightly keep it together so maybe not all of it will all apart i feel my pieces and parts slipping between my fingers they escape with no mercy flying in every direction trying to find a way out of my head theres no escape for brains like mine my mind can try but i know it will find there is no better place to be than the home that will set you free.

- 

nov. 7 2016 

I walk into my 4th hour class knowing how this is all going to play out. I’m going to sit in the back of the room, next to the filing cabinets, the student computers and my English teachers desk. Then, the boy called Jaden will walk back to me asking why i sit there instead of with the class in the normal seats. I will ignore him. He will walk away,  eventually. My teacher will walk in, give the instructions for the days assignment, i will finish before most other people. Then I sit and wait for the bell. Normally, I finish then read a book, but today was different. Today I felt different. I didn’t want to read, but at the same time i wanted to. i also wanted to stand up and walk straight out of the classroom, but i didn’t. Today felt numb. I felt  numb. I don’t know why but i know i did. Maybe it was  the sleep deprivation or the build up of depression. I’ve had days like this before; where i could laugh easier than ever, then switch to sad in a spilt second. it’s an odd feeling, for sure. These are always my worst days.  I never know how i will end up feeling. “neeka, you need to read,” she paused, “or do something productive at least,” teach said impatiently. I tried to reply. I wanted to turn my head and say ‘i can’t’, but i didn’t. I just nodded and continue to sit. A few minutes later, I caught her glancing at me to see if i was reading, which i wasn’t (i was still sat there staring at the wall ahead of me, twirling an old gum wrapper between my fingers.) I decided it would probably be best to begin reading if i wanted to avoid her any further. I quickly push back my chair to retrieve the book from my bag. Making both minimal and the most noise i could. In doing this, i received glances from a few other students and a concerning look from teach. After twenty minutes of staring at the dead paper, the bell finally decided to ring. Every person in the class hurriedly gathered their things and rushed out the door to make it to their next class, but mostly to socialize in the hall. i took my time today, though. Making sure my book mark was placed perfectly in the crease of the book and placing it gently into the bag before slowly zipping the bag and flinging it over my shoulder with a thud. I turn to face the door, sigh, and begin shuffling towards it. Only as i was about two feet away from the door, teach called after me. I turned. “Are you okay? you seem a bit off.” I won’t look at her, i can’t. I’d rather not look at the eyes of an insincerely worried teacher. “Just tired, is all,” I replied convincingly. Im not sure of her reply or if she even had one because as soon as the words fell from my lips i turned and began walking again. I wish people would stop trying to act like they care. I know she wouldn’t have asked if i didn’t actually work hard in her class. 

-

dec. 26 2017 

What terrifies you the most?

The fact we wake up every morning with the threat of intercontinental nuclear war  

- 

dec. 26 2017 

its dark outside a few outside lights shine from the house further up on the hill the house is dimly lit you turn the slightly rusted circular handle of the full length window-door an open floor plan kitchen, living and dining room are present under and around the kitchen counter are familiar people. stoned you turn your head slightly to the left to peek into the living room to find people drinking and playing cards around a large coffee table there is one light on over the coffee table that is lighting the entire room a few steps forward from the door, through the kitchen/ dining room, you turn to your left and enter a hallway that leads to three bedrooms and one bathroom directly ahead you turn to the right, to the first room. people are intertwined on the bed. peaceful. that room reeks of weed you exit the room and enter the one right behind it, also on the right needles on the floor and in arms are needles people passed out with these needles you leave the bathroom is next it lies at the end of the hall one person lies in the bathtub covered in their own vomit passed out the third bedroom, the biggest, is on the left side of the hall as you enter you recognize all the people occupying this room as your friends they are gathered around a tv playing video games they might be sober but you can’t really tell you keep moving straight towards the french doors at one end of the room through these doors is an office windows line all the walls its the kind of room you don’t need lights in when the morning comes around all the people that hate you lie on a air mattress on one side of the office they’ve been drinking you can tell they glare and talk shit but you can’t hear it turning to the right you walk toward another door that leads to an add on of the house this room is the brightest so far all the lights are on but in a good way it looks like all the lights fit in with each other to make the room look perfect the people who occupy this room are the ones who are supposed to be out there they are the stoners and alcoholics and druggies but your can’t smell anything in this room there are no needles in sight not one damn bottle of anything they are all clean this is where you stay you know they know whats out there but they are still in here, having a better time than everyone out there laughing and enjoying being awake and sober this is where you stay not because you don’t want to be drunk or high but because you know what happens when you are drunk or high they know too thats why you are all in this room together clean

- 

jan. 4 2018 

my mind is never not racing. all kinds of thoughts flowing through it nonstop. it’s almost enough to drive a person mad. or maybe this is just normal and I’m too weak to handle this. its 2:19am. i have school tomorrow but i don’t really have school tomorrow. its crazy how much you can hate something but the minute its taken away from you, you miss it almost more than ever. why do our brains work like that. its like that with all things as well. no matter how miserable that thing is, you miss it at least a little when its gone. even depressed people miss their depression when they’re happy. its almost comical. why do feelings feel so awful. why do i feel feelings for people who don’t feel the same feelings. why do feelings fuck us over like that. why do we lie about things to other people when we know those things aren’t true. we know it as we say it. but we still continue to lie, then make a story out of it. why do people like to destroy their home. even if they are told the home they are given will most likely never be replaced, they still don’t take care of it like they should. why do people in higher up places love rules so much, but never follow their own. why do they think just because they are placed higher in society they have the right to control everyone else but not play fair. why is the world not fair. why do people hate the concept of equality so much. even people who are put down by the majority don’t fully support equality. If war is started by simple misunderstandings, why do humans have such a pattern of not listening to each other. why don’t we respect each others opinions. we all want to live longer, better lives, but we destroy that possibility by disrespecting other cultures and viewpoints. maybe if we listened more instead of just plugging our ears and pointing fingers maybe the world would be a better place. Every free country on the planet fought to be free. but why would we fight to be free just to turn around and fight to conquer.

- 

jan. 4 2018

drugs don’t give a shit what color your skin is. it’ll drag you through hell and back until you don’t have anymore functioning brain cells. these drugs are everywhere. worldwide. they don’t care if you’re blacker than the night sky or a pale rich asshole. you could be living in bum-fucked-egypt or on the highest floor of a skyscraper in Shanghai. cheap drugs, rich drugs, suburban drugs, hood drugs, its all the same shit with a different name. they don’t fucking stop till everyone looks the same on the inside. burnt up and fucking dead. we live in a society so fucking divided we argue about who produces the most or the best drugs when we should be coming together to find a better way to keep all economies stable enough to not have to rely on drug sale. everyone thinks its a fucking joke but people are dying every fucking day. Everyone left and right overdosing on the new biggest thing. don’t get me wrong, drugs are great. they make you feel great. but maybe if we made the world less shitty to live in people wouldn’t be turning to things like drugs to take them out of reality.