#im just so tired disappointed in myself and so so goddamn STUPID | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

spectracully · 4 years ago

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crash the crush.

pairings : senior student!xiaojun x sophomore student!reader warnings : profanity, underage drinking, mentions of drugs genre : fluff, a bit of crack? highschool!au word count : 4.3k

summary : what are the odds of crashing into your crush during the neighborhood-friendly run and mutual friends party?

You were pissed off when your mum said you need to work your lazy ass off. Well, if it's on the summer break, you'll most likely agree with her. But it's only the weekend, and you've been studying your ass off these days. A lazy weekend is something you earned, but your mum decided to rain on your lazy parade.

With all those groans and deep sighs, you storm off your house wearing your workout gear. Not much, only a windbreaker jacket paired with shorts and running shoes. Popping your airpods on both of your ears to blast some jams, you take some light jogging steps on your neighborhood. It's only 4.30 pm, and kinda windy, why the fuck are you doing this? That's right, because mum literally compared you to your neighbor's daughter, Giselle, who recently won a karate tournament. Now mum won't even shut up how much she wants an active daughter, not the lazy one. Yikes.

Back to the streets by Saweetie & Jhene Aiko plays, and you hear a message notification on your airpods. Still on your light jogs, you glance at the notification.

yeri<3 : yo yeri<3 : wyd

You stop jogging for a while to write your bestfriend back. It's saturday, she's probably asking you to hangout along with the gang. Yeri gets easily bored at home and in constant need of hanging out.

y/n : running 💃 💃 💃 y/n : mum said i need to be giselle

You continue your pace while waiting for her reply. You can see your neighborhood clearly now, seeing the details, since you always go to school in a sleepy state, not really noticing the environment, and also going home from school mostly sleeping in your brother's car.

The notification rings again. It must be Yeri.

yeri<3 : bitch thats a dancing emoji yeri<3 : running in a weather like this? yeri<3 : damn straight u wanna be giselle

You chuckle as you’re about to type the messages once more, the weather is fine, what the hell is she talking about? But then Yeri is still typing.

yeri<3 : n e ways yeri<3 : party at lucas' 8pm yeri<3 : be there or be fucking square 💀 💀 💀

You sigh. There she goes. No other option than tag along with her, but it's not like you hate it anyway. Lucas' party is always awesome, you and your friends also will get a VIP pass because he's a good friend of yours too, despite the fact that you're not even in the same grade as him, he's one year above you and Yeri.

y/n : weather is nice dont jinx it y/n : fine but pick me up y/n : cuz doyoung won't let me drive his car

You send the messages to Yeri to prove her the weather is fine, and indicates that you agree to go to Lucas' house tonight, it's a great night to probably get wasted after all those tiring run mum decided to toss on you. It's gonna be fun, anyways. But the thing about hanging out with Lucas and his senior friends.. You might've developed a big fat crush with one of Lucas' closest friends, Xiaojun.

You barely had an interaction with him, though, because he's usually the quiet and calm one in Lucas' closest friends group. Lucas himself is already so fucking loud, not to mention Hendery, the good-looking clown and moodmaker. There's also Jungwoo, the one who looks very calm but actually won't shut up once you talk to him. Mark too, the giggly one with some lame jokes. Well, going to Lucas' party tonight means you can see Xiaojun, probably getting the chances that you'll have some interaction over some boozes or something is also quite high.

After feeling all warmed up, you decide to give yourself a run around the block. Yeri's right, it's a funny weather to run. It's windy, but the more you stay outside, the cloud is getting darker and darker. You also knew that you're not really alone, who's doing this athletic bullshit in this kind of weather, you noticed that a boy is also doing this silly run when you were typing messages to Yeri. Probably just another neighbor's child being scolded by his mum of how Giselle is so athletic that his mum also wants an active son? Welp, you didn't see his face anyway, you were glued to the phone when you saw the figure running from the side.

It's not even a minute after you started running, Yeri already replied again. Is she really that bored that she doesn't have anything to do?

yeri<3 : ok i'll pick u up at 7 yeri<3 : um.. its fucking raining, y/n yeri<3 : go home and take a shower yeri<3 : pick ur clothes and put on some makeup instead yeri<3 : its saturday night, activate your hoe protocol yeri<3 : mr xiaojun is going to be there tonight

You stop running and stare at her messages. Raining? Is she drunk or what? It's not even 5pm yet and here she is, hallucinating-

Oop. There it goes. You feel some water drops on your head. Your hand. It was slow at first, but then the raindrops are getting harder and harder, it's pouring.

"Motherfu-" you let out a curse, you should've trusted Yeri on this. As an intuitive homo sapiens with XX chromosomes, you scan through the streets, looking for some shelter to wait the rain to stop. Spotting a bus stop with a large steel canopy, you run like your life depended on it, avoiding the rain.

Finally arriving, you sigh and sit on the installed chair, typing messages to Yeri.

y/n : omg bitch ur right its raining y/n : should've pretended im dead in my room so mum wont bug me y/n : u know what after the rain ends im gonna sprint back home and take a fucking shower y/n : the universe doesnt like it when im trying to be giselle, it gave me rain instead

You sigh as you shuffle through your playlist, looking for some fun jams to pass your time through the rain, when somebody suddenly approaches you.

"Hi, do you mind if I take a seat here?" a boy asks, pointing to the chair next to you. You look up, and suddenly the next thing you wanna do is ascend your soul the fuck out of your body to the sky.

Oh boy. It's Xiaojun. The boy you won't shut up about. He’s wearing a white loose tank and grey sweatpants, drenched in his own sweat. Oh god. This is truly an attack for you. What the fuck is he doing here? And why must you meet him at your mess like being all salty because of those running fiasco and the rain? While wearing your not-so-fashionable workout gear and not-so-tidy ponytails? Oh god.

You can feel your heart is about to explode when you realize that he is actually the person who is also doing the stupid running at this very weather, you just didn't notice it sooner because you were on your damn phone. Damn, mum was right, everything happened because you were always on your damn phone.

"No, of course! Take a seat!" you answer him, trying your best to crack your sweetest smile although it's more like sweatiest not sweetest.

He smiles back at you, taking a seat next to you, then his eyes get back to his phone, completely glued. Damn this is the only cardio that is worth it, no running, no jumping, no huff that huff this, only sitting next to Xiaojun on a rainy day on a bus stop. Wonderful.

You quickly whip up the messaging app to type all kinds of gibberish and send it to Yeri. She knows what shit is about to go down when you speak gibberish to her.

y/n : FUCKJSHSJJSKSJK YERI y/n : OH MY FUCKING GOD SJSGSJSHSKJSK

Lucky you, Yeri has nothing to do than respond to your messages, she stays put on the chat room.

yeri<3 : OMG BITCH WHAT yeri<3 : SKSHSJJSKS YOU SCARED ME

y/n : HE's FUCKING HERE AHSJSHSJEK

yeri<3 : OMG WHOS HE?? yeri<3 : THE DEVIL??? IS HE GONNA TAKE UR SOUL? SKEJSJKSKSK

y/n : XIAOJUN y/n : TURNS OUT HE ALSO LIVES IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD

yeri<3 : ASKJSJSKSK WHAT yeri<3 : HOW

y/n : KAHSKSJKS omg bitch y/n : i was sheltering myself from the goddamn rain y/n : im in bus stop rn y/n : this angel came to accompany me y/n : HE WAS RUNNING TOO OMG y/n : omg yeri just so u know if im not there when u pick me up y/n : its bc im in church getting married with my man xiaojun

yeri<3 : BITCH OMG SKSKSKSKK yeri<3 : GET MARRIED RN yeri<3 : WAIT dont waste the chance yeri<3 : talk to him rn!!!

You swear you're about to scream when Yeri sends that. She was actually right, this is your chance to talk to him, considering that you didn't really interact that much with him. But really? He didn't even say a word when he sat, probably didn't even remember your name? The disappointment slowly gets into your head.

You freeze on the spot. torn between wanting to talk to him and just let it slide, you'll see him again tonight as Lucas' house, right?

Just when you decide to give up and not say a word, he turns his head to you.

"Hey, I didn't know you live in this neighborhood too," he starts.

Oh god. If every time your heart beats fast you get a dollar, you'd probably have your own private island by now.

You try to play it cool when actually on the inside you wanna scream I LIKE YOU to his face rn. "Oh? Oh yes, my house is number 13." you answer calmly,

He cracks a smile, “13? You’re Doyoung’s little sister?”

Oh god. What the fuck is this clownery? He knows Doyoung? Why and how? At this rate you just wanna evaporate to the rain, what if Doyoung actually knows that you liked Xiaojun and he spills it? Oh god.

You smile back at him, holding the panic you’ve been keeping since he mentioned Doyoung’s name. “Yep. I’m his sister.”

“Oh god, why didn’t I notice that earlier? I could’ve taken care of you at school!” he exclaims, and you sure you just wanna evaporate to the rain. Him? Taking care of you at school? YES PLEASE!

You let out a small giggle, trying to be as calm as possible when in reality you’re very sure you just wanna melt like a goddamn popsicle on a hot summer day. “So, how do you know my brother, actually?”

He laughs a bit, wiping away the sweat on his forehead. Oh god, he’s just so beautiful. “Well.. Doyoung and I used to be a dynamic duo in the school's choir, until he graduated.”

Oh, that. Doyoung is pretty serious about his career in the school’s choir, but you did not expect that Xiaojun is actually a part of it. Of course, he has the face of an angel, the voice is included.

“Now I know why Doyoung never let me come to his house. Turns out he has a cute- I mean, h-he has a sister, and that’s you! M-Maybe he’s afraid I’ll bother you or s-something.” he continues, stuttering a bit, and letting out an awkward laugh. You laugh again, feeling the blood rushing to your cheeks that you can’t hide no more. DID HE JUST SAY DOYOUNG HAS A CUTE SISTER? DID HE JUST SAY YOU’RE CUTE? DID HE-

But then, good things always come to an end. The goddamn rain stops. Oh fuck, no more chitter chatter with the dear crush. Just when it is the fucking time you need to hear the goddamn wedding bells, the rain decided to stop on your rain parade. Fuck.

He looks up, and seems like noticing the rain has stopped. “Well, Y/n. Lucas is having a party tonight, are you coming?”

You can feel your cheeks are still heating from his words, you shyly nod to him. Welp, maybe the rain has stopped, but this stupid crush? No. It goes on. Very much.

He stands up, straightening his white loose tank, getting ready to probably sprint back home. “Okay. See you tonight then, I’m going home. Have a good run!” he says as he walks away from the bus stop, leaving you dumbfounded. And lovestruck. That’s a win, alright.

Xiaojun slowly fades away from your view, and you’re still drowning on your pool of love. Yep, that’s it. You can’t even hold it, you quickly dial Yeri’s number to break out the news.

“What is it, Y/n? You literally left me on read for like 14 minutes straight and now you-”

“YERI LISTEN I’M GETTING MARRIED TONIGHT AND THAT’S A FUCKING FACT!” you shout to the phone, you can picture Yeri is probably goggling out her eyes right now.

“Girl, just because Xiaojun just asked you why the fuck were you running at times like this it doesn’t mean-”

“HE CALLED ME CUTE!” you blurted out,cutting her sentences for the second time,

“-you’re getting married- WHAT?? HE CALLED YOU WHAT?” Yeri yelled from the phone, now it’s pretty clear that Yeri is probably jumping her ass off right now.

You sprint your way to home, while holding your phone to your ears, continuing to give Yeri the details about the bus stop conversation you had earlier. Now she’s just yelling at you to pick the right dress and pamper yourself up, the probability you’ll marry Xiaojun at Lucas’ party is increasing. Sure it does.

-------

It’s 11.28 PM, 3 hours and a half since you and Yeri just arrived at Lucas’ house, escaping from Doyoung’s warning to you, to get back in one piece, and most importantly, sober. As if you’re gonna leave Lucas’ house sober, that’s funny, alright. You and Yeri were greeted by Yangyang and Donghyuck, who are currently setting up the table for snacks and drinks. That was probably the first time you saw Donghyuck ever setting up something, because if not, Jungwoo would’ve set his ass on fire.

The party madness has started, seems like everybody already has enough alcohol running on their system. Lucas is already losing his shirt and starts twerking in the middle of his house along with Jaemin and Jungwoo. Ah yes, the thot trio already started their thing, and all you have to do is just stay back and avoid getting dragged to the dance mess, because the chance of Jungwoo and Jaemin will start grinding at you is kinda high right now.. Considering their.. Twerking fiasco.

You sit back on the couch and watch your friends getting crazy over the playlist Yangyang made just for this event, sipping on your cocktails that Donghyuck put god-knows-what in it, he said it’s just cherry juice mixed with gin and brandy, but somehow it tastes kinda citrusy. You glance to the right, only to see Yeri making out with some random guy (probably one of Lucas’ friends named Changbin but oh well, that’s Yeri’s business).

Slightly grossed out and sad because apparently you’re not making out with Xiaojun right now, you make your way to the patio, and find the crowd that circle around a spinning bottle. Interested, you join Jeno, Mark, Renjun, Yeji, Hyunjin, Sungchan, Karina, Vernon, Hendery, and of course, the (hottest) most important person right now, Xiaojun.

“Welcome! As a newly joined member.. Truth or dare?” Jeno greets you as you take a seat between Mark and Sungchan. Well, you’d love to sit beside Xiaojun, but apparently, that seat is already taken by Hendery and Vernon.

You silently glance at Xiaojun, who is wearing a denim jacket with light-yellow knit top underneath, paired with white trousers. Damn, he looks so damn good that you wanna cry a river.

Your head comes back to the question Jeno asked. Today’s your day, be bold or bald. It’s time. “Well, I’m not gonna put my drunk antics to waste. Dare then.” you answer boldly, earning a few ‘ooooh’s from your friends.

Jeno snickers. Well, fuck. Guess you’re a bit too damn bold tonight, the realization suddenly hits you like a fucking trainwreck, Jeno is kinda extreme for games like this. Wrong choice, y/n. You gulp as you wait for Jeno to come up with something.

“I dare you to kiss Xiaojun!” Jeno exclaims, clapping both of his hands like a goddamn happy seal. Mark and Hendery are high-fiving right now, throwing whistles around Xiaojun, who is silent as a fucking rock.

Oh god. Things you’ve said about not putting your drunk antics to waste should’ve stayed in that goddamn draft. This is where Jeno takes you, even though you’re secretly happy that you finally get to kiss your goddamn crush, that shit is EMBARRASSING. If you wanna evaporate to the waters, then it’s probably the right time to do it.

But why Xiaojun though? Is your big fat crush on him too obvious?

You freeze on the spot as you awkwardly smile and stare at Jeno. This shit can’t be real. Jeno is goddamn crazy. You can feel the air is getting hot, whether it’s because the alcohol starts kicking in, or just because the blood is rushing through your head.

“Scared, aren’t you?” Jeno taunts you, sipping his beer as the rest of the group laugh except you and Xiaojun, who is currently staring at you with a questionable expression. Is he pleased? Or is he pissed? Oh god.

“I-I’m not!” you answer him, leaning to Xiaojun, gulping once more before asking him, “You’re okay with this though?”

Xiaojun smirks, “How can I say no to you?” he asks back, accompanied by a few ‘ayyy~’ from the boys, sending butterflies to your stomach. Your face is probably as red as a tomato by now.

Good god. Is this the same Xiaojun who is quiet, calm, and collected among his friends? Why suddenly he is so bold? Oh, he’s probably just drunk and won’t remember this kiss anyway.. You lean closer to him, closing the gap between his face and yours by sealing the kiss. His lips are soft yet firm, almost like a grape jelly you had earlier this afternoon, with a hint of vodka, of course.

After a few seconds, you finally pull out and linger your eyes on him. It’s beautiful, and mesmerizing. You just wish that you can see it again, and only for you, no one else. As you get back to your seat, you take one more last glance at him, that is currently also glancing at you, with his cheeks red.

Okay. You definitely heard the wedding bells, thanks Jeno. That’s probably one of your dreams, and thanks to Jeno, it came true. But unfortunately, Xiaojun probably won’t feel the same, or worse, he’ll probably forget about it tomorrow.

Everyone claps, exchanging happy exclaims and cheers as if you just said ‘I do’ to Xiaojun lol, when in reality, you were just doing the dare Jeno gave you. You gulp bitterly as the game goes on and on.

-----

It’s an hour past midnight, 1.12 AM to be exact. Thank god you’re not that shitfaced, but Yeri is. She is not even capable of doing anything anymore except being all smiley and shit, Changbin already drove her home like fifteen minutes ago, leaving you behind in Lucas’ lair. You suddenly felt the urge to thank god that Yeri made a fantastic decision last minute before picking you up, she used a taxi instead of driving. If she hadn’t, you’re probably stuck driving her home right now.

You scan through the house while leaning through the stair railings, looking for an easy target to get a free ride. Finally spotted your friends, you now have 3 choices : Donghyuck (who is currently seducing some random girl), Yangyang (who is now playing mobile games with Jaemin and Chenle), or Mark (who recently just hit a goddamn blunt, but he’s very capable to drive).

You sip your glass of water, making up your mind for your ride home. But then, suddenly someone taps on your shoulder.

“Do you wanna go home? Like, right now? I can drive you- I mean, our house is like, near.” you hear Xiaojun speaking to you, holding his car keys on his left hand.

Good gracious, is this even real? Like, Xiaojun, is actually asking you to go home with him? Is this real? Or are you just hallucinating from the goddamn weed you take 10 minutes ago from Lucas?

You stare at him blankly. He bit his lip, “I mean- If you wanna stay longer- or probably-”

“Yes, of course! Let’s go.” you smile at him, cutting off his words.

3 times in a day. Good job, Y/n! The wedding is up ahead!

He smiles and gives you a gesture, “Ladies first.”

The drive is not as awkward as you thought. Turns out, Xiaojun is full of surprise though, you nearly choked when he said he once formally apologized to Doyoung before he stood up to defend the dignity of Mint Chocolate Chip flavored ice cream. It’s delightful to find out that he has similar tastes as you, from ice cream flavor to music and school subjects.

Xiaojun also told you the reason why he was on the run earlier, he was bored. Damn, look at it, the difference between a forced daughter whose mum wants an active child, and a bored model-student. He said he didn’t expect to see you because he was embarrassed, he was drenched in sweat.

You can feel the butterflies on your stomach grow wilder and wilder from every word he said, or maybe it’s just the way he smiles when he talks to you? Welp, if it’s anything to do with Xiaojun, you’ll most likely get butterflies.

Just when you thought he was drunk, he is not. He’s capable of driving you home and carrying on some fun convos, also remembering little things. So.. perhaps, he is not going to forget the kiss you shared because of Jeno’s dare?

As you keep on exchanging conversation with him, suddenly it’s time to get off his car and get back to your house, get ready to deal with Doyoung’s nags and scolds for getting home this late.

You giggle as you take the seat belt off, smiling at the brown haired boy.

“Thank you for driving me home, Xiaojun. It was fun.” you say to him, waving him goodbye as you open the door. He smiles and waves back at you.

Just when you’re about to open the gate of your house, you hear the sound of slamming car doors. You turn around and see Xiaojun standing in front of you, eyes sparkling like a goddamn star. Unfortunately, it’s not Christmas.. If it is, all you want for Christmas is to stare at Xiaojun’s beautiful eyes all day, and probably get married to him.

“Um.. Y/n.. I don’t know how to say this but.. The kiss you gave me earlier, it’s kinda..” he starts, smiling sheepishly.

Oh god, what now? It’s kinda what? Gross? You swear you’ll kill Jeno if you hear that from Xiaojun.

You gaze at him as you wait for him to complete his sentences.

“It’s kinda.. Making me feel.. Things.” he finally continues, rubbing the back of his neck while looking away from you, flustered. It’s pretty cute.

You giggle at him a little, the butterflies come back, or maybe they never even left?

“Don’t laugh, Y/n. I’m being honest, I was pretty embarrassed to run into you during sheltering, and now you’re laughing at me for-”

You let out a big laugh before you pull him to another kiss. This one is a bit longer, more passionate and intimate, unlike the one you had before. He cups your cheek as you feel him smiling during the kiss.

“I’m sorry if I invaded your privacy- but your fast typing was very.. Intriguing.. I might’ve seen you texting Yeri at the bus stop.” he giggles after you pull out from the kiss.

Yikes. You feel like you’re about to burst now. He saw you texting Yeri? What kind of clownery is this? Did he see you typing- oh god, that’s too embarrassing to remember.

“No! That’s too embarrassing!” you cover your face, he laughs once more.

“Now, which church are we going to? I’m pretty sure you said we’re getting married tonight, right?” he takes your hands off your face, grinning widely.

You pout and lightly hit him, only to be attacked by his hugs a second later. Aww, finally, dreams do come true. You stay on his embrace for a few more minutes, no talking, just comfortable silence and realization that you’re on Xiaojun’s arms right now.

You glance at your watch, Doyoung would be furious by now. Telling him that you really have to go before Doyoung can rise from his sleep and beat your ass, you finally wave goodbye to him as he gets back to his car.

Finally entering the house, you’re greeted by Doyoung who’s standing in front of you, holding a bowl of salad on his right hand.

“So, kissing Xiaojun in front of my salad?” he raises his eyebrow.

You stick out your tongue as you make your way upstairs. Technically, not in front of Doyoung’s salad, because the door was closed. He’s probably looking through the window, such a nosy brother. You laugh at the thought of Doyoung getting furious while eating his salad as you get a message.

Xiaojun : so, see you at school? Xiaojun : can’t wait to hold your hand on monday ;)

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vampiremourning · 2 years ago

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sdffhghjhdgfhghgfhghdgfhghj ive been trying to work on this fic update for weeks but goddamn lmao i just. i am STRUGGLING which is ??? bc i still like it im still enthusiastic abt the project i simply feel like thats an unpopular stance and at this point im just getting embarrassed to keep posting my writing when the notes are just. me trying to reblog for exposure fdggh no one is obligated to ofc i know that but that post thats like ‘numbers arent everything but if you spent six hours on a cake that no one ate you might be more than a bit disappointed’ is extremely fucking real & im already having a hard time trying to convince myself im not universally disliked as-is tell me why people stop talking as soon as i contribute to the gc without fail like. every time i want to contribute i delete what i typed out bc i physically cant take this happening over and over again i dont know what i did wrong or what im doing wrong but clearly it was Something im just too stupid to figure out what. someone i am begging on my knees please explain what it is about me that repels people after a bit of time what do i lack just tell me so thats not helping either.

im also trying v hard not to infodump about other interests at the moment bc once again. embarrassing as hell i just keep thinking abt how annoying i am rn to litcherally everyone esp when i want to talk about obscure shit no one but me is into so it feels even worse lmao. & having someone ask out of obligation feels patronizing bc i know theyre not interested about hearing about the thing its just pity. ive been the pity/obligation person my whole life and i Hate it i hate just being tolerated i hate feeling like nothing i say actually matters in the conversation and like everyone is just waiting for me to stop talking i hate the way i can see people’s eyes glaze over and how they dont even notice if i cut myself off mid sentence theyre just glad ive finally finished talking. im so deep in it im actively trying to start up some sort of maladaptive fantasy where i can to talk Guilt Free about stuff but hgjhkjj im also struggling to conceptualize a universe where thats a thing lmao i cant enjoy my comfort characters bc they would also find my ass grating gfhgh like straight up i know they wouldnt like me thinking abt that is actually just making me feel worse lmao i hate it here

ive spent so much time in my own head lately just Spinning tf out and overanalyzing every sentence i type or speak and still somehow managing to fuck up in spite of that. like its not about the fic!! its not about the fic! and i know its not bc im still working even if its slowly. really truly is not just about the fic but thats something i guess more acceptable to complain about bc at least people kinda understand that frustration even if its cringe to vent about but at LEAST. its better than this. also ive taken care of all my basic needs for the day so ive confirmed that im not just deprived of sustenance or some shit gfhgj no ive truly just been feeling like this for weekssss on end now and im so tired. i already typed a version of this in my private server (its basically just like a journal/reminder set up for myself, very convenient & gives me the illusion of replies temporarily gfhgjh) and that wasnt enough so hopefully posting here just alleviates it a bit

#this is literally so stupid but i feel like im going to combust so.

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starlesscitiess · 4 years ago

Note

Hey chance what is your favourite water parks song

OKAY OKAY OKAY SO

yall better know by now that i could NEVER pick just one its just not fair okay

and i want to ramble so

my favourite songs from each waterparks album (+eps cause duh (not including 1 cause i havent heard it im sorry)) with explanations

lets go

airplane conversations

i was hiding under your porch because i love you

i will admit this is purely for self-indulgent nostalgia reasons. it reminds me of fall out boy and fall out boy = 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜 so yknow,,,,

S C R E A M I N G??? YES????

black light

night maps

the opening is like ✨✨spooky✨✨ i love it sm

“shouldacouldawouldbeenthelastonesto bleedthefuturewhOoOOaAa”

awsteb,,,,,, voi cE ,, pr e t t

im a natural blue

this is just a no brainer its so gOOD I,,,,, REEEEEEE

i love the guitar smmmm

“i know that not everybody wants to be different, but this is getting riDICULOUS”

hehe futurey vibe w the lil bleep bloop noises

cluster

mad all the time

its just,, such a mood,, tired all the time? mad all the time? i dont feel lucky in here buried in my head? i feel most safe in my bedroom? so keep out of my room cause i think ive seen enough of you today??? same

would you believe me if i said the “ah ah”s werent part of the reason? no? yeah neither would i

it feels like exactly what its trying to express which is brilliant

g u i t a r (god bless geoff wigington)

“oH wOah (wait shit)”

pink

the whole first verse is just,,,, perfect

chorus. also perfect

more electronicky beep boop :D

THE BUILDUP??? BETWEEN THE BRIDGE AND CHORUS???? YES???

dubsteppy bit 🥺🥺🥺

lil tiny quiet bit 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

crave

the drUMS (gOD BLESS OTTO WOOD???)

maybe just a lil bit cause of the music video

gimme that blessed geoff singing content fuck yeah ill slorp it up 😩

THE ONE GUITAR BIT TOO???? LIKE SORRY AWSTEN UR TAKING A BIT OF A STEP BACK FOR THIS ONE SONG

double dare

gloom boys

maybe just a lil bit cause of the mv too,, (lord knows im obsessed with that fucking “slow down jellybean” line)

THE GUITAR??? ICONIC

BASS??? ALSO ICONIC

its just so goddamn catchy f u c k

i ADORE the way the chorus like s o a r s in a way i could never capture like yes u go u funky lil dyed hair man

“on my ceiling,,,, yEAH-”

in fact dont even ask me to pick a lyric theyre all gorgeous

stupid for you

listen,,, we know how that relationship ended up but look me in the eye and tell me this isnt just the cutest fucking thing ya ever did hear????

THIS IS AWSTENS FUCKING MOMENT OKAY I HAVE NEVER BEEN DISAPPOINTED BY ANY PERFORMANCE OF STUPID FOR YOU EVER

seriously i wish someone wouldve written this for me it just 🥺🥺🥺

GET THEM HIGH NOTES FUCK YEAH

ALSO??? VOCAL??? RUNS????

i am literally in love w the music video so i mean

royal

the drums are actually amazing help

THE CHORUS SO CATCHY FUCK YEAH-

“cause i worked myself to death, dont believe me ask geoff” *points to geoff* 🥺🥺🥺

RELATABLE AS FUCKKKKKKKK

nananananananana nananananananana

jfc ive already written so much

entertainment

11:11

WHEN THE DRUMS START THAT IS LIKE A WHOLEASS SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE RIGHT THERE

this is such a great song to be sad to????

nostalgia for absolutely no reason levels are off the charts-

not warriors

i just love the way it starts it makes me so happy

this has some of the best lyrics ive like ever heard (yes im biased and what of it)

“but hey for what its worth, i think you saved my life” we just gonna ignore how accurate that is

haha nice reference to,,, your own songs,,

its just? so pure???

we need to talk

its boppy but like in a sad way yknow??

“cause you shine brighter than morning... at least i thought you did”

the,,, th e ,, l i dd, ol g i g,,, th, e g i gg, le,,,,,,,

“fuck me” idk why i think thats so funny but it is

fandom

dream boy

actually just slaps. 10/10

but also?? the lyrics?? discussing an unhealthy expectation from fans that is built completely on each individual fans emotional needs and is therefore unlikely to be fulfilled for everyone??? A+ i love it

another example of the song sounding like exactly what its trying to express. its almost overproduced, larger than life, built to sound almost fake just like what its trying to condemn through sarcasm, especially in the video. incredible. love it.

i felt younger when we met

“i said i loved you to death/so i must be dead” is such a gutpunch of an opener. hits you right away

the entire chorus is just great

HOO BOY THE PRE-CHORUS. THE F U C KIN G-

again an amazing song to be sad/have a mental breakdown to no i dont speak from experience what do you mean

the transition into cherry red is fucking genius okay

high definition

where do i even start

its just so perfect. relatable even if youve never experienced the exact thing hes referring to. honest, understated, emotional, heartbreaking.

every single time you listen to it a different line hits you

yet another song to cry to

awsten was not lying when he said this was the best song hes ever written

feels like holding a vigil for yourself.

overall just... perfect

anyway that was probably way too long and annoying and you probably wont read all of it but like,,, goddamn i needed to ramble. thank you soooooo much for the ask and have a wonderful day 💜🥺

#long post #awsten <3 #awsten #awsten constantine knight #awsten knight #waterparks #parx #geoff wigington #otto wood

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rabbithaver · 3 years ago

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hi followers, um sorry to bother you but um. if youve got the energy i could use some uhhhh kind words in my ask box. ive turned on anon and stuff. im just struggling and i have to get this out of my head before i explode. just, please dont send me links to crisis centers, im not really in a life-threatening crisis. i just feel like shit.

after i post this. im going to go downstairs and maybe watch youtube, or play my 3DS or phone games or something. i just need to distract myself. i just need something

MINORS: if you are reading this, please do NOT read the rest of this post. you kids shouldn't be have to see that. i dont want any of you to feel like youre responsible for the mental health and well-being of a random adult on the internet. please, take care of yourselves.

CW for s/h, blades, depression under the read more.

i hate myself. i hate myself so fucking much i want to rip my hair out. i hate myself so much that i swear i can feel it like a physical burden on my shoulders... it's so heavy. it hurts. i want to put it down but i can't. ive been trying to put it down for so long.

it has been 343 days since i last cut myself. i have been clean for almost an entire year. i should be happy about that but im not. i should be proud of that but im not. i am this close to giving up on this fight. i want to find my blades. i want to bleed. i want to tear myself to pieces. i want to hurt myself so bad it feels like my brain is melting.

im so close to that 1 year anniversary. so goddamn close. i keep thinking, "i could ruin that. i could take control of this 'recovery' and i could ruin it. it'd be so in character for me to ruin that. it's consistency!"

i have failed so much in my life. im now 24 years old and i have absolutely no accomplishments. no achievements. i have no money in my name. i'm financially dependent on my parents, but i'm going to age out of their insurance in two years. then, i'm gonna be completely fucked. i'm too mentally ill and too fucking stupid to go back to school. i am too mentally ill and too physically disabled to work. the only two things that ever made me special, art and writing... well, when i do either of those things, nobody cares, so why bother? i'm wildly out of practice with either anyway

ive failed everyone i love. my parents, my brother, my grandparents, my cousins, my aunts and uncles... literally my entire family believed in me and i disappointed them. i failed the teachers who said i would grow up and do amazing things. i failed the schools that wasted money on trying to teach my stupid ass. i failed my own therapist by being so fucking insufferable she kicked me out after five years. i have failed every single person i have ever met, and ive failed everything i have ever tried. in comparison to all of that, relapsing before this big anniversary would be nothing.

yet i don't know if i can bring myself to do it. i don't know why. it feels like a pressure building up in my head and i know how to relieve it, but i'm afraid that if i do, i'll fall back into that addiction. i can't let myself do that.

i have been addicted to cutting myself for so long. i am so tired of feeling like it's the only thing i can turn to when i'm struggling like this... but i don't know what else to do with myself. none of the suggestions i've read online have worked for me in the past.

i just.

i don't know. i don't know.

fuck

#please dont get weird about this guys. im not in any danger i dont think. i just really feel like garbage #and i gotta get this off my chest and out into the void.#honestly. as pathetic as it sounds. i dont know if i even have the energy to relapse anyway.#i know that sounds stupid lmao #also. sorry i post about this so much #please dont get weird about this guys.#terin struggles #self harm cw #cutting cw #blades cw

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tylerwritez · 3 years ago

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Goddamn it I am such a total loser, I'm like the stereotype of a nerd and I'm not even good at that. I'm so painfully uncool. So painfully cringe. I'm ugly and cringe and I laugh when its not funny and I trip over my words because I don't know how to talk to people because I suck at social interaction. The things I pride myself as being good at, like art,... I'm actually bad at those things. I'm painfully stupid. I'm ugly and fat and short and I'll literally never look good no matter what I do so why am I even trying? I'm trying to make myself feel okay because if my face is not covered by my hair somewhat I feel so self conscious... like I swear I'm the ugliest motherfucker on the fucking planet...

On top of that I'm like a fucking nerd like this guy I like teases me about it BUT ITS TRUE!!!! and I'm not really a nerd in a cool way I'm a nerd in a way that's like cringe and terrible and unbearably annoying to listen to, nOT THAT I EVEN TALK MUCH ANWYAYS SINCE I CANT SOCIALLY INTERACT...

You guys, the dude at the comic shop knows me and one of them STOPPED ME 2 GIVE ME A FREE HORROR COMIC (it was like free comic day) you gUYS I GO THERE SO OFTEN THEY RECOGNIZE ME AND KNOW MY TASTE IM GONNA DIE... MY FRIENDS KINDA TEASED ME A BIT AND LIKE... I WISH I WAS COOLER MAN I DO BUT ITS LIKE IM NOT MEANT TO BE!!! all the stuff I like isnt "cool" at all. I like "bad" music, I like "childish" anime, I like "lame" comics and I draw "gross" art... ITS WHATEVER. I'm not meant to be cool!!!

I kinda would like 2 be friends w that guy he really did seem 2 know what he was talking about but it's not like you can just chitchat and try to make friends while someone is working their job 😭

... maybe I need more friends in general I have like 3 real good ones right now but none of em go to my school and sometimes they're busy and then I dont have no one to hang out with xD

When school starts I'm gonna do my best to be more extroverted... I get very anxious in social situations with people I dont know very well like I cant even ask the McDonalds lady for a sweet n sour sauce, so its hard for me to make friends at school... a lot of the times I will be in a class and there wont even be one person who has anything in common with me and its disappointing when that happens haha.

Then because at school I have like no friends and am basically totally isolated, whenever anyone there shows me like, basic kindness, I get very excited about it... i get all worked up thinking "omg maybe this person wants to be my friend!!! Maybe i made a new friend!!!" When all they did was ask if I was okay when I cut myself with a knife in foods class by accident LMAO yes true story that happened...

I dont NEED friends at school, it's just nice to have and it makes the whole school thing a lot easier 4 me.

Anwyays I guess I'm just gonna try to be confident, kind, and outgoing. I'm gonna say hi and introduce myself to people. If it gets awkward, at least I tried, right? Eventually i might manage to actually become the confident person i try to be.

Because I'm actually kinda a nervous wreck...

Since I broke up with my ex it would be really weird for me to still be friends with her friends even tho we are TECHNICALLY STILL FRIENDS,... like it would just be weird because we dont talk much at all, drifted apart I guess... and stepping out of a relationship you start to see things that were sorta wrong with it that you couldnt see while you were IN that relationship. Not saying she was bad or toxic, but some things were questionable yknow? That's just how it is.

Anyways, because of that and because I have all new classes, I need to make FRIENDS!!! I'm tired of feeling like the only person who cares and wants to talk to me is the fucking history teacher who wants to debate communism... man I liked him, I hope I get him next year again, even if I dont agree with him, he was a cool dude and idk I think I had fun in that class and hes the sorta teacher that makes you WANT to do well to impress him.

But like, you see the problem there, right? I need friends and I just... I NEED MORE CONFIDENCE!!! I always feel like the other kids are just so much cooler and better and smarter than I am... it's kinda alienating XD like everyone else is on some other level, we got different humour and all,...

I think I just gotta accept everything about me that's cringey and try to make friends as my real self.

Goddamn, wish me luck in around 3 weeks ish cos I WANT FRIENDS AT MY NEW(ISH) SCHOOL !!!!

#judejournals #jude shep #jude speaks #confidence #making friends #building relationships #spotify #linkin park #trying to make friends #self esteem #low self confidence #introverted #anxious #nervous

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vincess-princess · 5 years ago

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i am in need of some hs!crüe just helping out Vince with his dyslexia and being really supportive and calming him down when he gets frustrated so if ya ever get the chance I’d love u forever 😊💓 thanks

jesus christ anon im so sorry everything went terribly wrong and i ended up with angst again and i don’t know why it happens i really tried to write fluff!! i guess im just not really in the state for the fluff now. i will post what i wrote here anyway because i spent three sleepless nights on this but it’s not what you asked for :(

Vince let out an exasperated sigh and threw the pencil onto the table. It bounced off it and rolled under the couch. Tommy bended down to pick it up, but it was out of his reach.

“I can’t do this anymore,” Vince announced, leaning back onto his chair and hiking his feet up on the table. “I’m fucking tired.”

“Tell Mick that when you’ll be making excuses for your test results.” Nikki looked up from the notebook where he was scribbling something for the past half an hour. He and Tommy had already finished their homework and were enjoying themselves, leaving Vince to fight with goddamned chemistry alone.

“He’ll understand.” Vince tried to sound confident and failed miserably. Tomorrow was Friday, and another meeting with Mick, and maybe getting to rehearse a couple of The Stones’ songs he showed them last week. Given, of course, that Vince scored more than 90% on his tomorrow chemistry test.

Which at the moment seemed pretty much impossible.

“Of course, he will.” Nikki nodded, a little too condescending to sound natural. “And, understanding everything, he won’t let you in until you bring him an A.”

“Thanks for keeping me updated, mate, I would never know that myself,” Vince couldn’t help but snap, irritation that had been building up in his chest jumping up from mild to high in a matter of seconds.

“I’d let you copy it if we weren’t always given different variants,” Tommy sighed, threw his drumstick in the air and promptly caught it. He’d been switching between running up- and downstairs to bring snacks to the room, spinning his drumsticks and trying to peek at Nikki’s lyrics for the last couple of hours, waiting for Vince to finish so they could go rehearse in the garage.

“No, thanks,” Vince snapped out, his tone maybe too harsh, but to hell with that. Tommy blinked in confusion, dropped his drumstick, plopped on his knees to get it from under the couch and stayed there for good five minutes.

“No need to get so bitchy, you know,” Nikki murmured. “He did you nothing wrong.”

Vince felt the blood rushing to his head.

“Maybe if you weren’t so bitchy yourself, I wouldn’t lash out on him!” his hands started shaking as he was actively suppressing the need to throw the goddamn textbook right at Nikki’s head.

“Maybe if you weren’t so fucking slow we would already have rehearsed everything and then some!”

“Nikki!” Tommy gasped somewhere in the background, but neither of them paid attention.

Slow, the word rang in Vince’s ears, and it was like a punch in the guts.

Nikki looked surprised when he realized Vince was not going to reply. Then he looked at Vince’s face, at Tommy’s shocked expression and became visibly uncomfortable.

“I hope you enjoy tomorrow meeting with Mick,” Vince said, his voice croaky. He grabbed his jacket and walked out of the room.

***

“Vinnie! Don’t go away!”

“Fuck off, T-bone,” Vince said tiredly, but slowed down, letting Tommy catch up with him. “Why don’t you go and rehearse with Nikki? I’m not slowing you two down anymore.” Yes, it was unfair to be so mean to Tommy. He didn’t seem to get upset over it, though.

“You know he didn’t mean it, right?” Tommy asked, still breathless from running. “He was just angry because he wanted to impress Mick tomorrow. You know how he gets about these meetings.”

“Apparently, they’re more important to him than me.”

“Bullshit.” Tommy grabbed him by the sleeve, forcing to stop. “You should’ve seen him after you left. Almost begged me to go bring you back.”

“Now this is definitely bullshit.” Vince stopped after all, still looking strictly forward, his chin unnaturally high. “If he wants me back so badly then why isn’t he here?”

“Too proud.” Tommy shrugged. “He’ll get over it and apologize… in a couple of days.”

“Well, I ain’t gonna wait here for so long. I’m going home.”

“No!” Tommy tugged on his jacket, let go when he saw Vince wasn’t going to stop and just walked by his side. He walked faster than Vince and had to make smaller steps to keep up with him. “Vinnie, please, let’s go back. I hate it when we argue.”

“Do you really wanna spend the night between two people who are actively hating on each other?”

“C’mon, you don’t hate each other. And we had arguments before, and everything turned out fine.”

“Well, Nikki didn’t call me stupid back then,” Vince reminded bitterly.

“He didn’t call you that!” Tommy resented. “He just meant it takes you a little longer…”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m slow, I remember.”

“Christ.” Tommy looked up to the sky with a frustrated expression. “Listen, I don’t wanna say I’m the only one here to actually want this goddamn relationship to work, but it seems like the two of you do your best to fuck everything up.”

It was so out of the blue that Vince almost tripped over in the middle of a perfectly even road. “The fuck you mean by that?”

“I mean exactly what I said.” Tommy stopped, and Vince unconsciously followed suit, baffled by the unexpected stern notes in his voice. “You and Nikki are so busy guarding your fragile egos you don’t care if everything goes sour in the process.” Tommy’s eyes found Vince’s, for the first time since they started talking, and Vince couldn’t look away. “And I do. Even more than I’d want to.”

Tommy bit his lip and looked away, and Vince’s heart sank, because his last phrase was anything but stern or accusatory. Guilty. He sounded guilty. For caring.

The silence lasted, and lasted, and lasted, and neither of them could make a sound, and thousands of words were running through Vince’s head.

“Fuck,” Tommy finally broke it a couple of excruciatingly awkward minutes later, laughing nervously and still not looking at Vince. “It really sounded better in my head. Sorry for the drama.”

“It’s alright.” Vince’s mouth was dry.

“I guess you’d really better go home,” Tommy said, voice thick. “Do you want me to walk with you for a bit? It’s getting dark.”

“Yeah, it really is.” Vince murmured, lingering for a second, and then turned in the opposite direction. “How about I walk you to your house instead?”

Tommy blinked in confusion, then looked up at Vince and beamed.

***

“Oh,” Nikki almost jumped up when they entered the room, then quickly pretended he was going to get up anyway. “Vince, I-”

“-am sorry?” Vince interrupted him, feeling a rush of bitterness from the sight of Nikki. “Save your breath. I came back because Tommy asked me to, not because of you.”

“Well, and I asked Tommy to ask you to come back.” Nikki forced on a smile, though it looked more like a grimace.

“Hey, don’t get me into it!” Tommy resented, not-so-gently pushing Vince towards the bed and standing in front of the door like a guardian. “I got him here, now make up!”

Vince turned to Tommy and ran the side of his palm across his neck in an ultimately understandable I’m gonna kill you. Tommy smiled sheepishly but didn’t move an inch.

Nikki cleared his throat, attracting Vince’s attention.

“Um, I…” his voice faltered. He was never good at apologizing. Too proud, damn it. “I- I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“You definitely shouldn’t have,” Vince agreed, keeping his voice cold, though the icky, bristly lump in his chest loosened up a little. Watching Nikki so guilty and struggling with his own pride – a trait he rarely tried to suppress - was doing wonders to Vince’s self-esteem. “Anything else to say besides the generic “I’m sorry”?”

“Christ,” Nikki sighed and covered his face with his hands for a moment before looking up at Vince again. “No. Nothing except that I was a major asshole.”

“You sure were.” Vince really hoped Nikki wouldn’t recognize amusement in his voice. Tommy did, and now was doing his best to fight down a smile, lest they accidentally hurt Nikki’s precious feelings. Some part of Vince encouraged him to burst into laughter at Nikki’s pitiful attempts, but he managed to suppress this desire so far. He might be a bitch, but not an asshole.

Nikki looked up at him with clear desperation in his eyes. He was truly sorry. He wasn’t pretending. The icky lump – his bitterness, his disappointment, his feeling of betrayal, - slackened, the tension it caused in his whole body started fading away. The hurt didn’t disappear completely, rather crawled into a hole somewhere far in the back of Vince’s mind to haunt him during some of those terrible sleepless nights of his. But for now it was gone - out of Vince’s way.

“Listen, I don’t know what else to say,” Nikki admitted, looking Vince pleadingly in the eyes. “What do you want me to do to make up for this?”

“Suck my dick,” Vince offered in a completely serious tone that took all the remains of his poor self-restraint to pull off. Nikki’s face went from confused to indignant to hopeful in a split second, and this was the last straw for Vince’s self-control. He started laughing, and Tommy joined him a second later.

Nikki’s face went to indignant again and remained like this for a solid couple of seconds before he surrendered to laughter as well.

“You were fucking with me! The whole time! Did you plan it?”

“No, but you looked so miserable I couldn’t help it. The suggestion stands, by the way.”

“Oh, sure,” Nikki scrambled to get up, only to fall on his knees in front of Vince a second later. Vince tilted his head back and gripped the sheets, letting out a satisfied moan.

If Nikki would be so eager to blow him after every fight, he might need to reconsider his attitude towards them.

#motley crue #motley crue fanfiction #poly!crue #tommy/vince/nikki #it seems like the only dynamics im able to write with poly crue is vinikki not being able to figure out their shit #and tommy being a godsent helping them do it #im still trying to figure those three out #and after so much time of writing vinikki it's hard to immerse tommy into the pre-existing dynamics y'know #i feel like this is shit and im probably right because absolutely all of this was written after 3 am #im typing this at 5.30 am #eh whatever i hope you like it

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doctormage · 6 years ago

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hi i just need to be really dramatic and long winded bc if i dont get it Out im going to fucking explode

ive actually been trying really hard this semester with my thesis and its REALLY fucking difficult for me. my depression makes me catatonic and unable to complete simple tasks or be motivated to do literally anything; my anxiety paralyzes me at the slightest unexpected change and then obsess over whether everyone in my life hates me because of my anxiety; my sleep schedule is constantly fucked and my doctor is unhelpful; my bdd will sidetrack me from my work and responsibilities for literal hours or days, and sometimes if its feeling spicy send me on a full scale fucking breakdown; and my adhd makes all this shit worse on TOP of all the NORMAL adhd shit. like thats just!!! my life!!!! at all times!!!!! and there have been several times where i have genuinely considered leaving this program or not continuing school after bc i was so fucking overwhelmed and exhausted and scared but i didnt!!! like i make a lot of jokes about procrastinating and wasting my time and doing the least and whatever but in reality its really fucking difficult for me even when im medicated!!! but i dont like admitting that bc of all my exhausting childhood baggage and shit but that is not the point of this rant so anyway

this semester i made a specific effort to try and be a better student even tho all of this stuff has been exacerbated by grad school. i felt i owed it to my director and one of my committee members because theyve been so fucking helpful and put their faith in me and took a lot of their time to help me. i wanted to show them i was worthy of it and capable of being a good student who does all the shit she’s supposed to do, does it well, and does it on time. i overloaded my fall semester and nearly lost my goddamn mind JUST to have a lighter class load this semester so i could focus most of my time on my thesis (like for real that was actually incredibly stupid of me. i lost almost 30 pounds from september to december without conscious effort just because i was so fucking stressed. not a brag and actually kind of concerning bc that has LITERALLY never happened to me). it has been like....significantly taxing, but i wanted to show them how much i appreciate their time and effort and help by being responsible and respectful. my Trying Hard is a lot of people’s Barely Doing Their Best and i know that. turning something in 2 hours early is below average for some but for me, literally anything more than 30 minutes before its due is an actual goddamn miracle. but i wanted to work hard and do things right for my committee members because they deserve it

this christmas my parents asked what i wanted and the ONLY thing i asked for was help with my library dues. last year from like march to october i was significantly depressed and entirely out of my head, and i racked up some pretty bad overdue fees. i didnt even ask them to pay all of it, just some of it. less than $100. im really truly grateful for the gifts they DID get me, but i didnt ask for them for any of it, and my overdue fees were left alone. i was under the impression that they got paid and, like a fucking idiot, i didnt check up on it to confirm. ive been so hell deep in my thesis and teaching and grading and applying to phd programs and looking for apartments and shit that it really just slipped my fucking mind!!! crazy!!!!

today i was in crisis bc i thought i fucked up with scheduling my defense/exam/whatever the fuck. im going to call it defense and i dont give a shit bc everyone calls it some other shit and i dont CARE. anyway i really thought i fucked up but i went and talked it out with my director and it was all sorted out. i’ve gotten like 50% of her feedback on my thesis draft, which i’ve incorporated, and im waiting on comments from another reader (the other helpful person on my committee). we have to run some dumbass software before scheduling, so i ran it today and tried to schedule it but couldnt bc theres a hold on my account. i went on a fucking....ALMIGHTY QUEST to figure it out and i finally discovered that guess what!!!!!!! its my GODDAMN LIBRARY OVERDUE FEES!!!!!! THAT I THOUGHT WERE PAID!!!!!!! i had to pay them myself which is fine idc but it takes several days to process. this fucks up my life on SEVERAL levels

for one, its fucking impossible to get a hold of my third committee member. she is a vapor in the wind. shes like super busy and thats all good and well but the point is theres like zero communication there. i finally got confirmation on a defense date from all 3 members and had been literally planning MY ENTIRE LIFE around this date. after todays first scheduling crisis i was so happy i was still on track, but now this? now i have to wait 3-4 days before i can even SCHEDULE the defense. the super delightful part is that we have to schedule a minimum of 2 weeks in advance. so now i cant schedule my defense until tuesday at the absolute earliest, but that ALSO bumps my defense date several days ahead. i have no fucking clue if my committee is going to agree on another day that works for everyone bc theyre all busy as shit and we’d been working toward the original date for weeks if not months, and im so fucking upset because this is exactly what i DIDNT want to have happen. i havent tried to email them yet because im hoping beyond fucking hope i can call somebody at the university tomorrow and see if the hold is something else besides the fee, but it makes me sick to think of having to be like “oh sorry i know i constantly fuck up everything ever and im a piece of shit but can we change this date we’ve had set since january because i was an extra shitty piece of shit this time??” like OHHH MY GODDDDD

and the thing thats really fucking with me is that like, yes its my fault but this one time its not ENTIRELY 100% my fault. i asked for a favor and had the understanding that it was taken care of. yes the fees were my doing and yes i shouldve checked but oh my fucking god. i feel like all the effort ive put into being a better student this semester has been for fucking nothing because im going to have to email my committee asking for a different date and ruin all their fucking lives and theyll be so disappointed in me. i have like legitimately been crying on and off about it since like 4:30 today

it so shitty in and of itself but i especially dont want to do this to my director bc she is legitimately the reason im finishing this program AND that im going to a phd program. a year ago i’d barely spoken 20 words to her but she still agreed to be a reader on my committee just because she heard me explain my thesis for all of 30 seconds and decided to give it a try. she literally had not read a song of ice and fire at the time and she started reading them for me to help me with my thesis. in the fall when my original director basically threatened to leave my committee if i didnt change all my ideas, my current director stepped in and helped me and talked me through it and then offered to take her place even though my research is BARELY distantly related to hers. through all of this she’s been so insanely patient with me, super encouraging of my ideas both in this project and in others, helped me decide whether it was right for me to get my phd immediately after my masters, proofed and edited and helped me with ALL my phd application materials, and STILL is in the process of reading these goddamn books just to be a better director. i have lost my head so many times and shes always been there to help me figure my shit out, and i wanted to have it figured out for once. how stupid of me

like bumping the date isnt the end of the whole world but its really not just about the fact that i have to reschedule. i was trying real goddamn hard to be a better student this semester and i REALLY fucking owed it to my director and other reader, but especially director, and i still managed to fuck up this bad. i feel like such a DISAPPOINTMENT and it just will not leave my brain bc im so mad at myself. i tried watching shows and youtube compilations about game of thrones and shit but now my bf is asleep and im alone and its all i can think about. im so fucking tired of being the person i am honestly and i dont mean that in an edgy way its just like jesus christ i wish there was less shit wrong with me. i wish i had any kind of willpower or discipline so i couldve learned these skills and been a better student from the start. i wish i wasnt a giant piece of shit!!!!!

and now im going to be up late being anxious about all this which means that i will, once again, wake up late but also still be really exhausted, which means i’ll do a shitty job teaching and get overwhelmed by everything and who the fuck knows what fun bullshittery will ensue because of it. i am so fucking tired of me and my fuckery and the fact that it fucks with other people even why i try so hard for it not to. tired!!!!!!!! fucking tired

#p #this is literally like an essay #on why im a piece of shit lmao #ignore me!!!!!!

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noahsenpai · 6 years ago

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lemme quickly explain why i feel i cant explain my frustration of others dependence on me without being too fucking afraid

im so done with people taking advantage of my guilty complex and making me feel like some sort of shitty person for feeling some kind of frustration or disappointment towards other things. this especially happens if i try to explain that some people are too dependent of me. for example if i say ‘you're too dependent on me’ or even if i jokingly complain about something, the other person will say something along the lines of ‘oh so you musnt want (insert name of something to do with problem)’ or ‘i guess you're not responsible enough for (insert name of something to do with problem).’ i cant even express my concern for what that kind of retort will lead me to feel like doing.

you may be asking ‘liv, what does it lead you to feel like doing?’

imma be blunt here.

it makes me want to hurt myself. or in some more severe cases, it makes me, for lack of a better word, suicidal.

it makes me feel like a shitty fucking person. an irresponsible person who cant just do good for others and who cant be responsible for their own actions (it probably makes more sense to say my own actions as well as the actions of others). yes, i love helping when i can, but if im relied too heavily upon, i start to sink into myself and feel like i cant get a grip on my own life. yes, i have a wonderful life, wonderful friends and a wonderful support system. but dont come to me with your problems and expect me to solve them bc im ‘the most competent’ because you know whats really happening to me? you know why i sometimes wait for the last possible minute to do what you asked me to do?

im trying to show you that sometimes i cant fucking jump up to help all the time. im trying to show that im not as perfect as you think i am, or as perfect as you expect me to be. sometimes im the worst person to ask because im trying to figure out something that may be bothering me or something i need to focus on and not fuck up. its a constant cycle, like this:

liv gets asked to do something --> tries to talk about over-reliance on them and/or jokingly complains about something --> other person makes a retort for the purpose of triggering liv’s guilty complex --> makes liv go hide by themselves and try to convince themselves not to do something stupid --> repression of feelings, goes back to living normal life --> (back to beginning)

goddamn, its as if people want me to repress my emotions and my feelings in order to convince others that im a perfect person and that im ‘the one who you can dump your problems on and have them fixed them flawlessly’ because ‘im the most competent’ and ‘the most emotionally reserved.’

tl;dr im so tired of people taking advantage of my guilty complex when i try to express how i feel about something. so unbelievably goddamn fucking tired. why? because it triggers a depressive response and i go hide away and im scared i might hurt myself.

yeah i think its obvious i havent been to therapy in a while so peace out while i go fume some more (about this problem and lack of good fucking grammar in this post jesus christ)

#liv rambles #negative #tw: self harm #tw: suicide #((kinda))

4 notes · View notes

lashydsdomain · 6 years ago

Note

1-154. you wont

bitch

bet i will

1: Full name

lashy. das all you get

2: Age

3: 3 Fears

stairs, glass breaking, not being able to get ahold of someone

4: 3 things I love

my ocs uwu, my friends, my fucking tablet goddamn

5: 4 turns on

not comfy sharing on tumblr

6: 4 turns off

ill say ill come back to this one then leave this in the post

7: My best friend

rn i would say it’s probably blitztrolls

8: Sexual orientation

pan uwu

9: My best first date

ahh.... i havent had an in person first date still ;u;

10: How tall am I

5′5″

11: What do I miss

not being stressed eue;;;

12: What time were I born

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

13: Favourite color

pale blu

14: Do I have a crush

ye u//w//u

15: Favourite quote

you know these things are asked and my mind goes blank

16: Favourite place

the woods just after it’s rained

17: Favourite food

im a basic bitch and just gonna say mac n cheese

18: Do I use sarcasm

no absolutely not. nope.

19: What am I listening to right now

ambles playlist- it’s on ocean eyes by billie elish rn

20: First thing I notice in new person

prooooobably like. their face? typing style if it’s online

21: Shoe size

uhhhhhh i think like a womens 10?

22: Eye color

blue/green

23: Hair color

dark brown

24: Favourite style of clothing

loose and baggy because if i cant be comfortable what’s the point

25: Ever done a prank call?

HELL YEAH

27: Meaning behind my URL

lashyd was one of my first fantrolls and i liked the way it sounded

28: Favourite movie

mmmmm either labyrinth, princess mononoke or annihilation

29: Favourite song

no clue my friend im bad at picking

30: Favourite band

same as above sweats

31: How I feel right now

excited but tired

32: Someone I love

passivetrolls u//w//u/

33: My current relationship status

in a relationship!

34: My relationship with my parents

love my dad, kinda dislike my mom

35: Favourite holiday

christ mass

36: Tattoos and piercing i have

none, im so scared of needles ;u;

37: Tattoos and piercing i want

mmmmmaybe something stupid and simple on like my ankle?? i dunno what tho sweats

38: The reason I joined Tumblr

another fandom and i got bored with homeschooling lmao

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?

i dislike them but they have tried to contact me a few times before i blocked them

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?

not usually

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?

i dont text so ill go w discord and no i have not the last person i messaged was you shenk gdi

42: When did I last hold hands?

the 2nd ;u;

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?

7ish minutes

44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?

hellllllllllll no

45: Where am I right now?

room

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?

prooooobably my bf or my dad. hate alcohol tho

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?

loud but only w speakers

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?

only da

49: Am I excited for anything?

absolutely motherfucker im making new friends left and right

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?

i got two uwu

51: How often do I wear a fake smile?

:))))))) irl most of the time tbh

52: When was the last time I hugged someone?

last night

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?

i would probably cry ugnfldkjfgslfdjg the last person i kissed was my bf wheezes

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?

i mean probably.

55: What is something I disliked about today?

ehhhh nothing bad has really happened today

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

probably my friend from serbia uwu

57: What do I think about most?

ocs probably sweats

58: What’s my strangest talent?

burping on command? i dunno

59: Do I have any strange phobias?

glass shattering ouo;;;

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

beh ind

61: What was the last lie I told?

calling myself a basic bitch lmao

62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

phone probably? video calls make me nervous

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

hell yeah to both

64: Do I believe in magic?

hell yeah i yell tossing salt on all my rocks

65: Do I believe in luck?

yeee

66: What’s the weather like right now?

uhhh clear i think

67: What was the last book I’ve read?

Shibuya Goldfish

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?

nop

69: Do I have any nicknames?

lash, lashy, gremlin and then stupid relationship nicknames gldsfgjfgs

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?

prooobably almost falling down some stairs at a con and chipping my shin and probably partly pulling my shoulder out of the socket

71: Do I spend money or save it?

i try to save but end up spending it ouo;;;;

72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge?

nearly

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me?

there are some half customized MH dolls so i guess yeah

74: Favourite animal?

cat uwu

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?

drawing ambles trollcall pick

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?

satan stan obviously

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?

Here - Ancient Magus' Bride OP

78: How can you win my heart?

art of my ocs ngl

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?

fuck if i knew

80: What is my favorite word?

probably fuck if you would ask my phone lmao

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr

passivetrollsblitztrollstavvys-trollsfilibusterfrogwe-are-the-legion

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?

hey fuckers lets rumble

83: Do I have any relatives in jail?

not that i know of

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?

teleportation ngl

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

probably 87

86: What is my current desktop picture?

87: Had sex?

sweats how about we move on

88: Bought condoms?

89: Gotten pregnant?

hell no

90: Failed a class?

i think yeah

91: Kissed a boy?

yeeeeeeee

92: Kissed a girl?

nop

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?

does it count if we were indoors

94: Had job?

not yet wheezes

95: Left the house without my wallet?

96: Bullied someone on the internet?

i dont think so i mgiht have when i was younger

97: Had sex in public?

n o

98: Played on a sports team?

ye!

99: Smoked weed?

ye.

100: Did drugs?

only weedles

101: Smoked cigarettes?

nop

102: Drank alcohol?

yes and i hated it

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?

nop

104: Been overweight?

105: Been underweight?

nop

106: Been to a wedding?

nop

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?

every day p much

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?

nop

109: Been outside my home country?

ye!

110: Gotten my heart broken?

;;;; yeah

111: Been to a professional sports game?

112: Broken a bone?

possibly?

113: Cut myself?

if this is on accident then ya

114: Been to prom?

prom is a waste of time ngl just go to arbys

115: Been in airplane?

yeye

116: Fly by helicopter?

n o

117: What concerts have I been to?

blueman group and the 4th of july ones that play around here

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?

yeeee

119: Learned another language?

bits and pieces

120: Wore make up?

yeah

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?

nop

122: Had oral sex?

lets just skip the sex questions

123: Dyed my hair?

yeee

124: Voted in a presidential election?

125: Rode in an ambulance?

nop

126: Had a surgery?

nop

127: Met someone famous?

yeye

128: Stalked someone on a social network?

god no

129: Peed outside?

this question is weird

130: Been fishing?

hell the fuck yeah

131: Helped with charity?

prrrrobaby?

132: Been rejected by a crush?

yeah ;u;

133: Broken a mirror?

i dont think so

134: What do I want for birthday?

money

135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?

136: Was I named after anyone?

i was named after two people uwu

137: Do I like my handwriting?

i can barely read it lmao i hate it

138: What was my favourite toy as a child?

my stuffed tigger uwu

139: Favourite Tv Show?

fuck i dunno probably cyberchase or fetch i dont watch tv anymore lmao

140: Where do I want to live when older?

somewhere quiet but convenient

141: Play any musical instrument?

flute and violin

142: One of my scars, how did I get it?

i have a scar on my knuckle from making garlic bread ;u; wasnt even good

143: Favourite pizza toping?

banana peppers

144: Am I afraid of the dark?

nah

145: Am I afraid of heights?

mmmm at times

146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?

yeah >w>;;;

147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

all the mc fuckin time

148: What I’m really bad at

telling people when im not up for something

149: What my greatest achievments are

being alive you fuckers cant beat me i won over hundreds of other fuckers and im here

150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me

Lets Not, Kids

151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery

buy so much cosplay shit and helping friends get what they need

152: What do I like about myself

im getting better uwu

153: My closest Tumblr friend

passivetrolls or blitztrolls wheezes

154: Something I fantasize about

being able to help my friends out of the places they are right now QuQ

155: Any question you’d like?

more questions for amble and my other girls!

#mun chitters #you thought i wouldnt do it did ya fucker #shenktrolls #ask

2 notes · View notes

i-can-be-king-again · 4 years ago

Text

Has the person you like ever seen you in your pajamas? Nope

Did the last person you kissed celebrate your last birthday with you? No, that person dumped me a couple years ago and we stopped talking after a while

What’s the first word of the last text message you received? “okay”

Do you think you’ve changed at all over the past year? I’m being less of a pushover than I've been before and being less of a perfectionist in front of ppl

Is there a song that reminds you of your ex? Do you still listen to that song? “In my head” by Ariana Grande, I listen to it sometimes to remind myself that I'm better off without them

Did you tag anyone in your last Facebook status? I don’t use Facebook as much anymore

How do you behave when you’re drunk? Never been drunk, but I was super tense when I was buzzed lol

What is your least favorite type of chocolate? White chocolate, it makes my stomach hurt lol

When was the last time you felt disappointed? What was the reason? Last week when I felt like I'm not improving in my self defense class, but I'm always disappointed in that lol

Is there someone that can make you smile, even when you feel like crying? There’s a couple people that can

Is there a certain person on your mind right now? Tell me about him/her. My boyfriend

You’re getting ready to go to bed, and the last person you kissed shows up, what do you do? Tell them to get tf out my house lol

What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? I’m so goddamn lonely lol

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Probably not

Are you okay right now? I’m never ok tbh lol

What time did you get up today? around 8:30 am

When was the last time you saw your mom? As of writing this right now, about 10 minutes ago

What is the last thing you drank today? Water

Do you dislike/hate anyone? Trump, my self defense teacher, and this stupid guy in my self defense class

Where is your best friend right now? Probably at home

When will your next kiss be? I’m not going to predict that because I don’t want to jinx the possibility lol

Will you be up before 7 am tomorrow? Hell no lol

Does anyone completely understand you? My therapist, I think

Who was the last girl you hugged outside of family? A couple years ago I think

Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days? No

What will you be doing in 3 hours? Playing games

How often do you straighten your hair? I already have straight hair so I don’t need to do that

What are you currently looking forward to? This stupid pandemic and trump’s presidency to be over

Is tomorrow gonna be a good day? What are you going to do? Probably not lol, mostly waste time

Who did you last hang out with? The person I'm dating(?) at the moment

Did anyone see your last kiss? Nope

Could things possibly get any better? I hope so ugh

Do you know who you’ll even kiss next? I have no clue!

Do you ever sleep in jeans? No, that sounds really uncomfortable

Name something you dislike about the day you’re having? Anxiety and lack of sleep

Did you get a full 8 hours of sleep last night? No

Are you in love lately? No

How often do you see your ex? Never, thank god lol

Who was the last person to text you? My friend

Did you like anyone last summer? Not really

Do you replay things that have happened in your head? All the time!

Who was the last person you stayed up with till 2am? My friend

Do you want a boyfriend or girlfriend? yes!! I’m fine with either one lol

Are you currently in a relationship? Nope

Do you use a full length mirror daily? Rarely

Would you be shocked if the person you have feelings for texted you? No

Is there anyone you wish you could fix things with? Not really

What are you planning on doing after this? Probably play some games

Is there a girl you would do anything for? Yep!

Who IMed you on facebook last? An old classmate from college

How old are you? 27

Do you love dogs? I love them!!

Were you finished childhood and teens when Harry Potter movies came out? No, they started coming out when I was in elementary school

Did you keep all your VHS tapes? Some of them yeah

Do you think Jack Nicholson is a good actor? Yeah I think so

Have you ever watched an episode of “The Honeymooners”? No

Have you ever owned a pair of high-top Converse? No

Do you have rain boots with a cute pattern on them? I don’t own any rainbows lol

Would you rather eat an apple or an orange right now? Orange

Would you rather do a cartwheel on land or a backflip in water? Cartwheel

Have you ever performed on stage in front of people? Not performed, but one time I saw a comedian at a small venue and they had me come up on stage with him to be his “personal assistant” because I looked super young for my age, it was really fun lmao

Were you kinda scared of the goths in high school? Not scared, but mostly intimidated lol

What size is your mattress?(single,twin,double,queen,king) Full size

Do you eat foods from all 4 food groups everyday? I don’t eat meat so no lol

Do you sleep in PJs? Yes

Do you prefer watching TV or listening to music? I’m ok with either one

Would you rather watch a movie in theatre or at home? Depends on the movie I'm seeing in the theater

Do you prefer brown or white rice? Brown

Do you like spaghetti? Spaghetti is pretty good

What about lasagna? Lasagna is pretty good too

Do you celebrate Christmas? Sort of

Is your Thanksgiving celebrated in October too? No..? I've never heard of that tf lol

Do you like chocolate bars? Not really, I like chocolate in other forms lol

what about ice cream? nah, it hurts my teeth when I eat it

Have you ever been stung by anything? What was it? Mostly mosquitoes lol

Do you get tired easily? Sometimes

Or do you always have plenty of energy to spare? Never lol

Have you ever done volunteer work? Where? I volunteered to help office workers at red cross What about court-ordered community service? No

Have you ever worn contacts?(even just to try them out) I tried but they were too hard to take out and they were uncomfortable

Would you wear contacts on a daily basis? yes if they were easier to take out lol

Are your ears pierced? How many times? Nope

Do you have GOD-GIVEN(not dyed) natural brown hair too? I have natural brown hair but from genetics lol

Or were you born blonde? No

Have you found a gray hair on your head or body before? Not yet lol

Have you ever had any suspicious moles removed? Nope

Have you ever been screened for STDs? No

Are all your wisdom teeth pulled? not yet

Did you have your tonsils taken out? No

Did you have your appendix taken out? No

How many kidneys do you have?(have you donated one?) I have both of them

Would you(to save someone)?^^^ If it’s a close family member yeah

Have you ever found a bug or slug in your salad? no thank god

Do you like Harry Potter? not really

What about Twilight? I liked it when I was younger, but not now How do you feel about Lord of the rings? It’s kind of boring lol

Are you going to see ‘The Hobbit’ when it comes out? I saw, it was ok

Do you have a glass that says ‘Molson Canadian’ on it? No

Do you have any collector’s glasses or cups or mugs? Nope

Would you rather have a white fridge or a black fridge or a stainless steel fridge? Stainless steel

What size shoe do you wear? 7-7.5 womens

Do you have a wide foot or a narrow foot or just average? Narrow

Do you bite your nails when you’re stressed? No

Do you have to take an allergy pill daily in order to live normally? No

Are you on the birth control pill? No

Or are you trying to get pregnant? I’m trying not to get pregnant, but I use condoms instead

You’d rather wear black sneakers or sneakers in a bright color or pattern? black sneakers

Has anyone ever told you they were attracted to you? Yes

Can you swim well in water way above your head? yep

Are you afraid of thunder & lightening? No, I love them lol

Have you ever experienced an earthquake? yes

What about a tornado? No

Are you closer to your dad?(more so than your mom) I’m a lot closer to my mom

Were you your parents’ first born? Yes

Do you have a child? Is the father still with you? No

Did you trade stickers at recess when you were a kid? No

How old were you when you had your first crush? Do you remember their name? I think I was 10, I don’t remember their name

Can you even remember what the hell they looked like? Not at all lol

Have you ever operated any type of motorized vehicle before? A car

Are you going to drink alcohol tonight? Nope

Have you ever heard of the Canadian kids show called “Mr. Dressup”? No

What about the kids show “Fred Penner’s Place”? No

Did you hate Sesame Street when you were little too? I've never watched it so I can’t have a valid opinion of it

Were you born perfectly healthy or with some(or a lot) of health issues? I had semi severe stomach problems when I was a baby, and still have them now lol

Do you collect DVDs? Nah, I just rent them

Do you download music? Yes

Or do you still go to stores and buy CDs? No

Did you skip(jumo-rope) a lot as a kid? Sometimes

Did you ever catch any bugs or insects with your friends as a kid? roly polies and ladybugs

Didn’t you just LOVE art class in elementary school?! I don’t remember having an art class back then lol

Have you ever played dodgeball? Yes, I'm pretty good at dodging but not throwing

What about Red Rover? No

Have you ever played “What time is it mr. wolf?”? It sounds familiar but I don’t remember it

Do you hate your weight? I’m fine with it

Have you ever struggled with a mental illness? yes and still do lol

Serious question, peanut butter or nutella? Peanut butter

Have you ever stepped on a snail? yeah, on accident :/

Do you prefer baked potatoes or mashed potatoes? Mashed

Do you prefer ankle socks over regular socks? Ankle socks

Last movie you’ve seen in theaters? Sonic the hedgehog lmao

What is your oldest sibling’s middle name? I don’t know their middle name oops, I think it’s the same name as my dad though

Have you ever been to Disneyland or Disney World? Both

Would you ever go backpacking across any country? Nah, not interested

Would you prefer to travel around the world by yourself or with a friend? With a friend

Do you like breadsticks? Not really

Do you usually wear shorts around your house all year long? No, my house gets cold a lot

What state were you born in? California

Have you ever had a nose bleed? Never had one

How far away do you live from your birthplace? An hour maybe?

Do you have a weak stomach? yes, I hate it ugh

Do you know anybody who has been diagnosed with cancer? No

Have you ever had to take care of an intoxicated person? No

Have you ever considered becoming a lawyer? Not at all

Do you *really* like donuts? Hell yeah I do!

Do you think Disney World could ever get old? If I went there all the time, then yeah

If you could, would you hookup with the last person you texted? I don’t like hooking up with people :/

What are your favorite things to spend money on? Games, art supplies, clothes

Will you talk to the person you like on the phone tonight? Probably not

What do you usually order on a pizza? vegan cheese with veggies on it Do you and your boyfriend/girlfriend fight a lot? I don't have one 😭

Who’s the first person with the letter “m” in your contacts? My cousin

Which would you rather have a new puppy or kitten? Puppy!!!!!

How old will you be on your next birthday? 28 😱

What color are your underwear? That’s confidential information lmao

Do you ever feel self-conscious when you eat around other people? All the time, I always have to eat in an area with little to no people. It sucks

#personal #about me #survey

0 notes

gayspock · 4 years ago

Text

dont rb, dont rply

m just really sad bc im rlly halfway into my degree and its just hitting me and i still have no friends and i m still failing and im so scared because i have nowhere to go after this is all over i have nowhere to go whatsoever im going to end up failing and i dont care bc i fucking suck at it but this is also literally like. ... like this is the only place tht i could go to, the only uni tht would take me and the only course, and i have nowhere else to go bc i just cant do anything else but i cant even do this like. i dont belong here so. obviously but i dont belong fuckin anywhere man im just terrified im just going to end up alone and i cant. i cant work im such a fucking mess i cant evenget up most days and i cant... do anythin. im just going t be stuck with all this debt and without anywhere to lvie and i just. bro what am i going to fuckin do man i jsut it was such a waste of time just delaying the inevitable . like every year tht passes im just filled with more regret like why DIDNT i kill myself at 18, at 16, at 14, at 12, at 9 at whatever liek . why did i keep ... thinkin i could outrun everythin like.... i dont know. i hate bein dramatic. but it just feels like. a fucking lifetime of shit tht just never fuckin goes away man ... im still cryin abt half the same shit i was when i was 9. im still so so fucking scared of my parents . like im still life terrified of my dad & i keep having nightmares abt him & he lives hundreds of miles away. i still dont have friends - i still just keep finding myself useless and on the fringes of everything, at the butt of every single goddamn joke when im with people, and just every single fucking night for years ive just... ended up crying alone in the dark .... and i still jsut. suck at everythin g. like theres still just been ntohin tht jsut . like i just want to feel GOOD for once, happy or proud of myself for once but i just. consistently fucking humiliate myself, embarass myself, and prove myself to be a disappointment and a let down to everyone and its just..... . the stupi d fantasies cant help u at a certain point any more man. losing urself in a possible future where maybe its okay and just constantly being told it gets better ... like ggggod . im so so tired and im so tired of having to sustain myself off of tht. of it just being so worthless no matter what u do or how hard u try and ebing told tht ur so young you have worth . and it just comes out the mouths of ppl who dont know u, of strange fuckin proffessionals or strangers who dont know you and its just... i dont know im getting older and i jsut feel like ive missed out on so many years bc i cant manage any of it i cant cope and im getting worse and worse and theres nothing making it better. and i cant sustain myself on the .. stupid hollow empty shit im not strong at all im a fucking . BITCH frankly and i just dont want to fight like tht man i just want to be okay in some capacity even if i was just fucked up as hell still but jsut. at least had some ... something.... anything but i dont and i cant. i cant get a grasp on anything even when i try and i jsut. im just so fucking inadequate man at everything and like thts the thing right thats he thing there has to actually be something to make it worthwhile, to start change but it jsut... i can try alli want im just fuckin useless man. i dont kno whats wrong with me and i just feel fuckin trapped and im going in circles ive been goin in SO many fucking circles jesus CHRIST love us all

#egg.txt #suicide mentions #okay last little bitch post goodnight ladies

0 notes

reginaldqueribundus · 7 years ago

Text

99% done with this website

i thought i’d heard every bit of misapplied stupidity this dung heap had to offer when i was told

white people aren’t allowed to cosplay as a purple space alien

drawing mr spock with slightly greenish skin is a hate crime despite the fact that he has green blood

being sexually attracted to the wrong race of alien lizard people means you support nazism

artists shouldn’t draw xmas sweaters on fictional 23rd century spacemen because the actors who play some of them (the actors, not the characters) are jewish, and anyone who disagrees is an anti semite

I also once expressed disgust/amazement that there was already a blog shipping orson krennic and jyn erso a full month before rogue one even came out, only to be told by a complete stranger that I shouldn’t “crosstag” (what?) because it’s triggering to survivors.

and then, based on my response to that fourth one, some teenage trash goblin decided to tell me i “hate jews” which i am sure will cause no end of disappointment among my numerous jewish relatives, you absolute fuckwagon.

im fed up. im tired of ignorant little “ur fav is problematic!” shit hats running around peeing on the stuff i like and calling everybody a bigot because they think their headcanon should be real and anything can be oppression if you squint hard enough. forget twitter, tumblr should be the one with the bird logo because it’s full of screeching featherbrained fucklords either squawking at the top of their lungs or parroting whatever stupid thing they heard, never once having an original thought, vomiting the same half digested discourse into each others open mouths and shitting everywhere. it plays hell with my anxiety and sucks away the energy i want to use for discussing actual issues that matter. im mostly here for fun fandom shit but that doesn’t mean i don’t want to talk about charlottesville, colonialism, perceptions of mental illness in society, hell i even want to talk about how unfair it is that batman and superman got 14 movies between them before wonder woman even got one, but im too busy defending myself to some 12 year old who says im hitler because i dont think kara zor-el is a lesbian. you think you’re doing some great thing but really you’re just trivializing the issue and ruining any chance at a serious discussion.

i joined this hell site in spite of what i’d heard about it because i thought it would be a fun easy way to share my thoughts on pop culture and couldn’t possibly be all that bad. but sweet buttery breakdancing buddha on a biplane, i was wrong. i’ve tried to stay away from it but y’all have driven me so close to just up and walking away from all my followers, my mutuals, my friends, from the one place where i get to fucking talk about star trek because its the only place where i know people who love it as much as i do. the one outlet i have, and you self fellating jack in the boxes wana ruin it for me. all because the only emotion you’re capable of feeling is the smug satisfaction of telling someone they’re wrong. god forbid anyone make an honest mistake out of genuine lack of knowledge, because some self righteous fuckbucket will appear behind them like a goddamn anime ninja to give them a lecture which they probably won’t even fucking understand because they haven’t leaped facefirst up tumblr’s cancerous, prolapsed rectum and memorized every bit of shitwit special terminology it has to offer.

you have nothing meaningful to contribute, so you take some sociopolitical concept you read about one time and start slapping it onto every book or cartoon you read/watch, regardless of whether it fits, throw in a couple of buzzwords you don’t fully understand and voila! suddenly you have an excuse to go around telling people they’re not having fun the right way, all while being immune to criticism because you’re “calling out” biphobia / ableism / whatever. if anyone disagrees with you just harass the shit out of them because let’s face it you have nothing better to do. then when they finally break down in tears and block you / get so frustrated they stop responding, you get to sit smugly in front of your keyboard and jerk yourself off thinking about what a good person you are.

i never use the term sjw because im not some transphobic assmaster from reddit or 4chan who thinks racial slurs are hilarious, but even if i did, it wouldn’t fucking apply here because you flapping circus clown labias aren’t fighting for justice. you’re only fighting for yourselves.

god help me if it wasn’t for some of y’all i’d pack my star trek shit in a hobo bindle and flip this place the bird on the way out. i love you guys. you know who you are. sorry about the rant im so tired

#rant #im fed up #sorry everyone #vent post #a post by me™

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a-panda-reads-act-omega · 7 years ago

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ACT OMEGA PART 24

THE 04/02/17 UPDATE

Hey look at that, I’m bored and I can’t urge myself to close that act omega tab. You know what that means. I’m doing another part today, w o o o o o

Alrighty, last time. Aranea showed up, and I reacted in a perfectly calm and orderly fashion. Let’s see where this goes!

Yup. Nobody’s happy. Put that grin away Aranea.

MEENAH: serket?? MEENAH: HOLD the GLUB up MEENAH: i thought you like MEENAH: got owned or w/e

She did indeed get owned or w/e. By you, in fact. You from another universe in which you became a giant hot troll wearing a goddamn skintight outfit.

Oh yeah, and she is currently destroying the hell out of the kiddo’s back at the lily pad.

ARANEA: ... Nice to see you too, Meenah.

Pssst.. it’s not nice to see you aranea...

ARANEA: Just as anxious to get to the point as ever. 8ut as per usual, I encourage you to exercise a 8it more p8tience. ARANEA: All your questions and concerns will be addressed eventually, I assure you. MEENAH: UUUGH MEENAH: i cannot B-ELI-EV-E this MEENAH: you go all crazy and try n pull off some ridiculous timeline divine intervention stunt MEENAH: prolly kelped actin like a hotshot all the way up to getting fuckin WAST-ED MEENAH: im out here thinkin i aint never gonna sea you again cause you got it in your head you had ta be the ultimate magnanimous blowhard just like your STUPID ALT S)(-ELLF MEENAH: AND T)(-EN MEENAH: you reappier outta NOW)(-ER-E MEENAH: lookin just as smug as you got no business bein MEENAH: and you tell me i gotta put up with whatever sanctimonious salmon youve prepared before i get any answers?!

LET ‘ER HAVE IT MEENAH. Can Aranea get the idea out of her head that SHE has got to be the one everybody looks up to? Because everytime she’s had an effect on this story, it’s made everything completely horrible. Honestly, she just tries too hard to be worthy of admiration. If she were like Vriska, she’d care more about doing what needs to be done instead of being admired by all. Merely because Vriska isn’t so dependent on the approval of others, and is happy with doing what needs to be done just so she can brag to herself and others. Alright, I kinda feel like getting deeper into this. How Vriska and Aranea differ and parallel eachother, because it’s a pretty thin line that doesn’t feel obvious. But here’s a very simple way of putting it:

Vriska wants to be the hero Aranea wants to be seen as the hero

Vriska wants to force dead weight to carry itself Aranea wants useful people to depend on her

I feel like that sums it up fairly well, really. Maybe I’ll start making sideposts of character analysis if I feel like getting deeper into these topics.

ARANEA: Sanctimonious what? MEENAH: OH MY COD I M-EANT S-ERMON

GET MAD MEENAH. IMPALE HER WITH YOUR POKEY FORK.

And here we find Porrim, in her natural state of “tired of everybodys shit”

PORRIM: Meenah. Yo+u might want to+ reel yo+urself in for a mo+ment.

S)(-ELL NO

MEENAH: >38( PORRIM: Maybe try to+ avo+id making the same mistakes as the yo+unger Serket.

DONT BRING VRISKA INTO THIS

VRISKA: Excuse me???????? PORRIM: O+h, hush. Yo+u’ve spent far mo+re energy externalizing yo+ur frustratio+n than you+ have do+ing anything pro+ductive. PORRIM: We can o+nly take so+ much o+f this. We're here to+ try and do+ so+mething with o+ur afterlife o+ther than willfully subject o+urselves to+ its infinite echo+ chamber o+f teenage drama.

Porrim

porrim, baby

i love you, i do

but this is n o T JUST TEENAGE DRAMA? I mean, Aranea killed EVERYBODY.

PORRIM: I myself have had eno+ugh o+f that fo+r at least two+ lifetimes. PORRIM: So+ if either o+f yo+u are ultimately o+nly go+ing to co+ntribute to+ the endless caco+phany, rather than fo+cus o+n getting results, I suggest yo+u mo+ve it to+ so+me o+ther bubble. PORRIM: If no+t, then co+nsider jo+ining the rest o+f us in seeing what Aranea might have to+ o+ffer to+ o+ur cause. ARANEA: Why, thank you, Porrim. That was very eloquently put. I promise you won’t 8e disappointed. ::::)

Goddammit Porrim, you gave her a reason to be smug. Just because Porrim is tired of the arguing, doesn’t mean you’re somehow at all justified in anything you’ve ever done ever.

ok im salty

PORRIM: Hmmm. We’ll see. ARANEA: Really, I was well prepared for my reappearance to cause something of a stir. It’s completely understanda8le to want an explan8tion.

UUUUUGHHhfadjnkms SHuuut uppp

ARANEA: I’ve 8een lying low for quite a while now. Gathering inform8tion, drawing conclusions, revising and perfecting plans... All of which will certainly prove invalua8le for you all in your current predicament! ARANEA: It really is a shame you’ve landed yourselves in such a 8ind! It was ultim8ly inevita8le, 8ut unfortun8 all the same. ARANEA: Isn’t it lucky, then, that I’m here to put this tr8n 8ack on its tracks?

Im gonna die from salt poisoning help

PORRIM: SIGH...

SIGH...

PORRIM: If yo+u have any interest in keeping that pro+mise o+f yo+urs, I suggest yo+u skip the preamble.

Thank you Porrim. I’m trying to find somebody to latch onto here, but everybody is starting problem’s n s t uf f .

Everybody looks so

VRISKA: Hold the fucking phone! Why should we listen to ANYTHING you have to say?

YOU sHOULDN’T

VRISKA: Your track record isn’t exactly stellar! And from what I’m seeing right now, you haven’t learned from your colossal fuckup one iota!

WOAH, VASKA... who the hell says iota????

VRISKA: I have a8solutely ZERO interest in letting the same washed up has-8een whose mess *I* had to clean up waltz up here and act like she’s my goddamn s8vior!!!!!!!

YEAH TELL HER VRISKA! EVEN THOUGH IM PREEETTY SURE YOU DID NOTHING AND TEREZI DID EVERYTHING...

And, oh god my memory of the timelines and stuff are getting me confused. I’m sure I’m probably wrong about this, but y’know what I’m gonna talk about it anyways. Would this Vriska really even know about Aranea? I mean, she didn’t die, so... maybe just in her dreams or something. or. gdi im confused.

ARANEA: Come now, Vriska. You of all people should know that there are 8etter times to choose for throwing hissyfits!

This isn’t a HISSYFITS. This is clear and rational thought. And I don’t get w hY NOBODY ELSE IS QUESTIONING THESE THINGS.

ARANEA: And 8esides, what a8out your little plan? We can all pl8nly see how well that turned out. You were smacked down just as unceremoniously as I was, so don’t act as if you’re suddenly the only person who can pull their own w8 around here.

Yeah, but you know what? Her plan didn’t revolve around dooming EVERYBODY. Her plan had essence of COMPETENCE.

ARANEA: You may 8e incredibly stu88orn, 8ut you can’t 8e so foolish as to dismiss common sense purely for the s8ke of your ego. I’m your 8est shot at m8king it out of this alive. While your army was 8eing eradic8ed, I was 8usy uncovering the truth. ARANEA: If you would just allow me to expl8n, perhaps you could finally reg8n your wits and 8e a8le to focus on what TRULY matters.

oh god i hate her h e l p.

pLEASE.. DOUBle DEATh HER.

VRISKA: I already HAVE my wits! And I was just a8out to use them to whip this 8unch of losers into sh8pe 8efore YOU and your 8loated delusions of grandeur showed up! ARANEA: Is that what you were a8out to do? I never would have guessed. Considering from my perspective, you were in the middle of some sort of mental 8reakdown 8rought on 8y 8eing utterly incapa8le of comprehending the magnitude of your own failure!

At least she DAMAGED HIM. SHE INFLICTED SOME FORM OF HARM TO THE UNKILLABLE GOD TRYING TO FUCK THEM OVER. You literally just got everybody killed with no positive result, you cannot claim that you are A N Y better than her.

ARANEA: If you had been p8ying attention, you might have t8ken note of when I mentioned that this outcome was inevita8le. There was hardly anything I could have done to prevent it. YOU, on the other hand... ARANEA: The mishap with your dice could easily have 8een avoided if you had simply realized how thoroughly outmatched you were. Did you actually try your little luck-stealing trick on LORD ENGLISH?

FIRST THE F U C K OF ALL... If this outcome was inevitable, then that literally makes EVERYBODY IN PARADOX SPACE JUST AS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS DISASTER. NNGH YOU CANNOT PIN THIS ON VRISKA JUST TO MAKE YOURSELF LOOK BETTER

VRISKA: Yeah! I did!!!!!!!! That’s kind of what I DO? VRISKA: 8ut... it didn’t WORK. ARANEA: Tsk, tsk. Of course it didn’t. Lord English is hardly on the same level as the 8lack king, or the myriad low-level imps, hapless trolls, and pitiful ghosts from which you’d previously acquired your ill-gotten fortune. Your a8ilities aren’t even close to developed enough to stand a chance against such an opponent! ARANEA: 8ut say, I think that perhaps we can strike a deal. We all know that time has 8een kinder to me in that I’ve had enough of it to refine my powers considera8ly. 8etween the two of us, I am clearly the superior Hero of Light.

. . . . . . . . F U C K Y O U .

Can’t deal with this. Can’t TAKE this girl’s superiority complex.

God im turning into the human equivallent of a salt shaker.

VRISKA: Oh, yeah. Sure. 8ecause I’m totally interested in whatever 8ogus “deal” you have to offer. Especially when you phrase it like THAT! ARANEA: And yet you don’t deny truth of my words. A smart choice. VRISKA: Are you going to w8ste time gloating, or actually get to the point?! ARANEA: My point is that I would 8e more than happy to lend you my services. Allow you to maximize your potential in a more... expedient fashion, given the sizea8le constraints we are currently under. ARANEA: All you would have to do is ask nicely. May8e even apologize for raising your voice? A little more respect and deference would 8e appreci8ed as well. ARANEA: What do you say? A deal is a deal? ::::)

GOD. DAMN IT I CANNOT DEAL WITH THIS. I REALLY REALLY R E A L L Y HATE HER. NOBODY WANTS YOUR HELP. Oh god this is turning into the worst liveblog ever, B U T SERIOUSLY I HATE HER AND THAT IS LITERALLY ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT RIGHT NOW.

VRISKA: How a8out this: I DON’T NEED YOUR HELP!!!!!!!!

YEs. PRECISELY

OHFUCKHIKANKRI

KANKRI: *PHWEEEEEEEET!!!*

...

O k you know what. For once, I’m actually happy about Kankri existing. That fuckfest needed to end.

And jesus. I need to calm myself down.

Oh god poor Mituna is freaking out.

KANKRI: I think that is QUITE en9ugh 9f that f9r n9w. While I n9rmally endeav9r t9 enc9urage c9nstructive de6ate in the interest 9f inf9rming the ign9rant masses, this argument has 6ec9me far t99 pr96lematic f9r me t9 all9w it t9 c9ntinue!

Gdi I haven’t even read it yet, but it already hurts to look at.

Alright. So yeah, this is getting out of hand and he’s putting a stop to it with his space jesus powers.

KANKRI: There isn’t nearly en9ugh time f9r me t9 g9 9ver all 9f the deeply distur6ing c9mments disparaging n9t 9nly the magically disadvantaged, 6ut the mentally challenged, which I have just 69re witness t9. S9 I will settle with 6riefly chastising y9u 69th f9r y9ur cavalier disregard 9f y9ur inherent privilege, and enc9urage y9u to 6e m9re aware 9f h9w the nature 9f y9ur w9rds might affect the very imp9rtant feelings 9f pe9ple that aren’t here.

And people that ARE here. Like, you know. The mentally challenged Mituna right behind you. Though I’m pretty sure you’re speech his having a worse affect on him than they are. Also, how the hell did they even offend any mentally challenged people??

LATULA: ummmmmm, l1k3, not to b3 UN-r4d or wh4t3v3r, b3c4us3 th4t 1s TOT3S not my styl3, LATULA: but m1tun4 1s l1k3, R1GHT h3r3??

Thank you Latula, the poor guy is dying at all these words.

KANKRI: He is?

Oh my god Kankri, seriously? Were you too busy ogling at Latula to realize that their were handicapped people who needed defending in the area?

MITUNA: 1 H4T3 Y0UR FUCK1NG W157L3 KANKRI: 9h. Right, 9f c9urse. My mistake. Ap9l9gies, Mituna. I h9pe y9u d9n’t mind that I have taken it up9n myself t9 help speak 9n y9ur behalf, c9nsidering y9ur vari9us issues with speaking at all.

kANKRI. that is not how you speak to handicapped people. Is he just salty that he’s dating Latula? Yeah. he’s totally salty about latula.

MITUNA: UM KANKRI: Exactly. Y9u’ve 6een rendered n9n-ver6al 6y the sens9ry 9verl9ad caused 6y all this unnecessary sh9uting. Which makes the wh9le thing w9rse, really. Right, Mituna? MITUNA: WHY 4R3 7HR33 S0 M4NY W0RD5 MITUNA: 175 4LL MITUNA: 8UZZ1NG LATULA: dont worry 4bout 1t b4b3! 1ts 4lmost ov3r. MITUNA: 5H0U71NG 4ND MITUNA: 5TUP1D 8ULG3 WH1FF1NG WH157L35 MITUNA: FUCK

Latula is literally the best supportive girlfriend. Is she gonna cover his ears for him next?

KANKRI: Even m9re sincere ap9l9gies, Mituna. Even if the use 9f the whistle was vital in the c9nstructi9n 9f y9ur safe space, I understand that it did upset y9u and that y9ur feelings 9n the matter are valid. KANKRI: 6ut thankfully, and despite the unf9rtunate side effects, it did its j96 9f helping 6ring every9ne t9 their senses. KANKRI: Really, this wh9le thing c9uld have 6een av9ided if y9u 69th had just listened t9 P9rrim's advice. PORRIM: O+h. PORRIM: Kanny, did yo+u just... AGREE with me fo+r o+nce? KANKRI: ... KANKRI: I 6elieve I have asked y9u several times n9w n9t t9 call me that!

what has this devolved into? What is this BICKERING. Can anybody remain on the same page for more than two sentences? Honestly, I’m surprised Lord English hasn’t just killed them all yet.

AND HERE THESE TWO ARE, indifferent as always.

SOLLUX: (well.) SOLLUX: (this is pr0bably the worst clusterfuck i have ever had the f0rtune 0f n0t seeing.) SOLLUX: (are y0u sure we can’t just leave?) SOLLUX: (as if whichever smug fuck that ends up running the idi0t brigade is g0ing to s0lve 0ur impending d00m. it’s alm0st starting t0 feel like the wh0le pirate crew bullshit all 0ver again.) SOLLUX: (except s0meh0w even m0re 0f a catastr0phe.)

Sollux, there’s one thing you’re forgetting. The pirate ship was a disaster, yes. but now you have one KEY FACTOR that will lead you all to victory. The power of F R I E N D S H I P. Can’t you just feel all the good vibes radiating off of these assholes?

ARADIA: (we cant go yet sollux!) ARADIA: (i have no intention of leaving) ARADIA: (and while i understand why you may want to this time it really is somewhat imperative that you stay) ARADIA: (we all have a part to play in the preservation of reality) ARADIA: (a mission which is even more critical now than it has ever been!)

Alright, so this team’s objective “SAVE REALITY” Team lilypad’s objective “DONT.. DIE” Team Lowas’s objective “THERAPIZE ERISOL”

SIMPLE ENOUGH.

oh god i just remembered Calliope already died and that’s s A D ...

SOLLUX: (ugh. really?) ARADIA: (yes!) SOLLUX: (s0 i’m like. imp0rtant s0meh0w?) ARADIA: (does it help you feel better to think about it like that?) SOLLUX: (... kind 0f? bizarrely en0ugh.) SOLLUX: (where did that c0me fr0m all 0f a sudden?) ARADIA: (i couldnt possibly tell you) ARADIA: (but what i can tell you is that i think this brief setback will be over soon) SOLLUX: (fine, if y0u say s0.)

All setbacks can be overcome with enough TIME. HAHA.... TIME JOKE. The hell am i doing with my life.

Oh shit is Davepeta here to drop some calm bombs on the group?

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < man this is just getting sad DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < but guess i oughta toss my two cents into this clusterfuck DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < beclaws honestly i KIND of agr33 with vwiskers a little? DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < my subconscious is clawing at me that we totally cant trust aranea at all ever

THANK, you.

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < cause shes seriously bad news DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < i dont have any real concrete memories or anything to support it but DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < i dunno! thats just how i f33l DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < meow on the other paw DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < we kind of are in some purrty hot water DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < and i ALSO have the conflicting f33ling that whatever info she has fur us will be impurrtant DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < so if anything we should just hear her out DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < so long as you dont try to pull anything fishy!!

SIGH... I G U E S S. It still feels horrible to even let her get a word in, just because she’s literally gonna act like every useful information she gives is worth everything, and they have no right to blame her for anything.

ARANEA: Er... ARANEA: Thank you for the endorsement. And the warning, I suppose. ARANEA: If there won’t 8e any further interruptions? MEENAH: yeah sure fine whatever MEENAH: but u beta believe im gonna be gilling you later ARANEA: I look forward to it.

I’m gonna hope that was a fish pun, and what she meant was ‘killing’

TAVROS: i THINK VRISKA LOOKS LIKE, sHE IS READY TO STOP SHOUTING, TAVROS: sO WE CAN BEGIN LISTENING, TAVROS: wHICH IS GOOD, bECAUSE I AM VERY CURIOUS, TAVROS: eSPECIALLY SINCE, i SORT OF, aLWAYS LIKED YOUR STORIES, aRANEA, TAVROS: wHEN THEY DIDN’T RUN TOO LONG, aNYWAY,,,

N O B O D Y A S K E D Y O U T A V R O S

putthatfuckingsmileaway

ARANEA: Don’t worry, Tavros. I will try and keep this as 8rief as possible. ARANEA: While also ensuring all vital inform8tion and context is provided, of course. ARANEA: Now, allow me to 8egin...

...gjdkgfignjfij

conflicting feelings about everything here. Alright. WELL, that is the end of this update. you can listen to my whine a bunch on the next part. SO. yeah.

#homestuck #homestuck liveblog #Act Omega #hs act omega #act omega liveblog #hs act omega liveblog

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queernuck · 8 years ago

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i have the day off work, i have leftovers from my favorite Chinese restaurant, i have a bunch of Easter candy I havent touched yet, and its perfect weather for going outside and enjoying a few blunts right now. and that’s not even to mention that i know where to get some absolutely mind-blowingly good bud with plenty of wax and hash to go with it.

and yet its my first sober 4/20 since 2010!! and that isnt even in some sort of “hey progress toward health” way where i dont feel a need to smoke weed anymore because i love that shit, its in a “i should be out getting baked” way

goddamn this sucks and the worst part is that im just doing petty complaining right now you know? like the worst part is that im feeling so fucking alone im listening to the fucking Smiths like some kinda mid-high schooler who got told by the girl he likes that she has a boyfriend and relating too deeply to that fuckface Morrissey talking about suffering and like, its just...its my fault

its all my fault

i wasnt careful enough and it was stupid shit that lead to me getting caught, stupid shit, i know that!! but on the other hand, especially given that the most recent thing involved my parents deciding not to tell me that they were gonna be moving a desk in my room and cleaning it out entirely but instead just going “oh yeah we’ll do this while you’re at work” and doing it, and that the time that started all of the mounting suspicion was my mom rooting through my drawers because of something else entirely that i wasnt even doing! for some reason she was like “oh you’re hiding your meds” when i wasnt and she foun something else and like, lmao her wannabe cop ass was so pressed and still is after she figured shit out in January and its just

im a sad tranny faggot who has disappointed you and knows how awful i am i know im a burden a current-dropout a fucking waste of money and time and space and i know i know i know i know all i do is work a part-time retail job and like what the fuck else am i gonna do? like even at my job i fuck up and its just...i hate this shit i hate it so much i deserve to be fired and i deserve to be fuckin shot!! can sum1 just come kill me?

if anything id be better off as a rallying sorta thing, as like, something that ppl can look to and be like “oh yeah remember it?” and idk pretend they’re not raging transmisogynists for a few minutes i just

my dad is going out tonight after work and getting drunk and i remember how when i thought She could still come visit me one of the things he said was that he “didnt wanna hear how tired i was after working a bunch of days in a row because he hasn’t had a day off in 20 years” since he has to call people for work and go to events on the weekend and whatever and its like...maybe fiind a job that offers actual fulfilment and meaningful labor in your standards! maybe go fuck yourself!!

and it’s just like, i’m caught up in so much bullshit here and it feels like there’s no way out like...get a new job. with what? doing what? there aren’t any jobs for me here! there ain’t! this is as good as it gets unless you want me doing something that’s gonna make me kill myself in a few weeks’ time and just, what the fuck am i doing what the fuck what the fuck what ttheeeeee fuck i hate i hate i hate i want to be dead i want to be dead i want to be dead

i miss her so much and i feel so fucking profoundly alone right now, i want her here i want her back i know she’s never gonna leave but without her here it just feels so fucking awful and neither of them give a shit

and i have to see my shithead of a brother this weekend too, i was at least counting on him to like, be a distraction so that i can get outta the house more maybe even get an extra night with her so that someone can use my bed!! but like hey maybe now people will be able to use my bed because i’ll be fuckin dead soon enough, throw myself in the sea and never be found, fuck a funeral and fuck all that just fucking forget about me and move on there is nothing worth loving here nothing worth caring for nothing worth remembering

i miss her so much though and i know i make her happy and i have no idea why and im so so happy to be with her i love her so much i miss her and love her and just frankly theres so little time left for anybody that i worry if theres anything worth saving but if there is then its one of the few things worth seeing and thats her smile, her voice, her kiss her touch and i cant wait to be with her

and there will be other days other hazy smoke-filled pipe dream days where im cutting up lines and kissing her as i read in between them, her hands on me and mine on her, ours together, her hand in mine, music way too loud and all the powder and pills i could ask for and more and just some day, some day, some day itll be like that but it just sucks so much that it isnt today

no today i have to deal with the fascist fucking Patriots and the fucking police replacement supplement my mom gets as someone who loves doing loss prevention like some sort of hegemonic fuckhead, and i just hate this entire artifice, i hate it all and i wish i could be fucking done with it i wish i were dead

happy 4/20 though

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