#hahaha its crazy how much i hate myself abd have been thinking about being dead lately
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#personal#hi if you know me irl PLEASE do not read the rest of these tags bc i dont want you to get worried#hahaha its crazy how much i hate myself abd have been thinking about being dead lately#i started on meds that were supposed to help with myanxiety and depression and theyhelp wthe anxiety but i still getrly bad depressive bouts#but i dont want to start over on new meds bc its so much better than it used to be#but im weirdly ubcaring about things i shoild probably worry about and now that the overarching anxiety and depression over stupid shit#or outside shit is gone all thats left is the incredible hatred i harbor towars myself#i realized the otner day that no matter what i do ill prpbably never be satisfied w who i am or what im doing abd irs like#is it even worth it to be alive when im just going to keep hurting and disappointing myself and working and working toward who knows what#until i die?#im never even going to get close to a point where im happy w myself#bc im self destructive and maintain bad havits to punish myself#bc why even bother trying to be healthier when im so useless#im tired pf being alive and im tired of being me#and obv im not going to actually go through with killing myself bc i cant do that to my mom and my friends abs the rest of my family#but its getting harder to resist the urge to do something stupid because om so fucking tired#things arent even going badly in my life rn but i still feel like this so whats the goddamn point#its almost easier when shitty things happen to me bc then i have a right to be sad and plus i feel good bc i deserve to suffer apparently#also like...#im freaking the fuck out bc finals are in a fee weeks and i dont have the fucking TIME to be having an emotional breakdown but here we are
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