#im just so awkward

[anotherpapercut]

trying to email someone I barely know to see if they can give me free stuff. wish me luck

[hinamie]

"I'll show you every day that choosing to live was worth it"

some of my favourite scenes from @hijinks-n-lowjinks' fic things i would miss from the other side . this fic tore my heart out fr but like in a good way and i wanted to pay it homage the only way i know how <3

[tubbytarchia]

so ranchers huh

[itseghost]

very straightforward redraw because this quest and this whole scene have been ON my mind.

[anemonet]

rain world if it was hot

[renaissanceousia]

you're telling me this was improvised...

[inkskinned]

you're grabbing lunch with a nice man and he gives you that strange grimace-smile that's popular right now; an almost sardonic "twist" of his mouth while he looks literally down on you. it looks like he practiced the move as he leans back, arms folded. he just finished reciting the details of NFTs to you and explaining Oppenheimer even though he only watched a youtube about it and hasn't actually seen it. you are at the bottom of your wine glass.

you ask the man across from you if he has siblings, desperately looking for a topic. literally anything else.

he says i don't like small talk. and then he smiles again, watching you.

a few years ago, you probably would have said you're above celebrity gossip, but honestly, you've been kind of enjoying the dumb shit of it these days. with the rest of the earth burning, there's something familiar and banal about dragging ariana grande through the mud. you think about jeanette mccurdy, who has often times gently warned the world she's not as nice as she appears. you liked i'm glad my mom died but it made you cry a lot.

he doesn't like small talk, figure out something to say.

you want to talk about responsibility, and how ariana grande is only like 6 days older than you are - which means she just turned 30 and still dresses and acts like a 13 year old, but like sexy. there's something in there about the whole thing - about insecurity, and never growing up, and being sexualized from a young age.

people have been saying that gay people are groomers. like, that's something that's come back into the public. you have even said yourself that it's just ... easier to date men sometimes. you would identify as whatever the opposite of "heteroflexible" is, but here you are again, across from a man. you like every woman, and 3 people on tv. and not this guy. but you're trying. your mother is worried about you. she thinks it's not okay you're single. and honestly this guy was better before you met, back when you were just texting.

wait, shit. are you doing the same thing as ariana grande? are you looking for male validation in order to appease some internalized promise of heteronormativity? do you conform to the idea that your happiness must result in heterosexuality? do you believe that you can resolve your internal loneliness by being accepted into the patriarchy? is there a reason dating men is easier? why are you so scared of fucking it up with women? why don't you reach out to more of them? you have a good sense of humor and a big ol' brain, you could have done a better job at online dating.

also. jesus christ. why can't you just get a drink with somebody without your internal feminism meter pinging. although - in your favor (and judgement aside) in the case of your ariana grande deposition: you have been in enough therapy you probably wouldn't date anyone who had just broken up with their wife of many years (and who has a young child). you'd be like - maybe take some personal time before you begin this journey. like, grande has been on broadway, you'd think she would have heard of the plot of hamlet.

he leans forward and taps two fingers to the table. "i'm not, like an andrew tate guy," he's saying, "but i do think partnership is about two people knowing their place. i like order."

you knew it was going to be hard. being non-straight in any particular way is like, always hard. these days you kind of like answering the question what's your sexuality? with a shrug and a smile - it's fine - is your most common response. like they asked you how your life is going and not to reveal your identity. you like not being straight. you like kissing girls. some days you know you're into men, and sometimes you're sitting across from a man, and you're thinking about the power of compulsory heterosexuality. are you into men, or are you just into the safety that comes from being seen with them? after all, everyone knows you're failing in life unless you have a husband. it almost feels like a gradebook - people see "straight married" as being "all A's", and anything else even vaguely noncompliant as being ... like you dropped out of the school system. you cannot just ignore years of that kind of conditioning, of course you like attention from men.

"so let's talk boundaries." he orders more wine for you, gesturing with one hand like he's rousing an orchestra. sir, this is a fucking chain restaurant. "I am not gonna date someone who still has male friends. also, i don't care about your little friends, i care about me. whatever stupid girls night things - those are lower priority. if i want you there, you're there."

he wasn't like this over text, right? you wouldn't have been even in the building if he was like this. you squint at him. in another version of yourself, you'd be running. you'd just get up and go. that's what happens on the internet - people get annoyed, and they just leave. you are locked in place, almost frozen. you need to go to the bathroom and text someone to call you so you have an excuse, like it's rude to just-leave. like he already kind of owns you. rudeness implies a power paradigm, though. see, even your social anxiety allows the patriarchy to get to you.

you take a sip of the new glass of wine. maybe this will be a funny story. maybe you can write about it on your blog. maybe you can meet ariana grande and ask her if she just maybe needs to take some time to sit and think about her happiness and how she measures her own success.

is this settling down? is this all that's left in your dating pool? just accepting that someone will eventually love you, and you have to stop being picky about who "makes" you a wife?

you look down to your hand, clutching the knife.

[dizzybizz]

i rlly like him actually

[arsonanarchyandanxiety]

Sigh. I guess I'll do one of these note things.

5 notes and I'll drink a glass of water

10 notes and I'll talk to my therapist about suspecting hpd

15 notes and I'll try to keep a plant alive

20 notes and I'll start going outside more

25 notes and I'll start tracking my screentime and attempting to lessen it

30 notes and I'll write one hundred words for my book

35 notes and I'll try to pick up a hobby I used to have before depression hit

40 notes and I'll start going out in public more

45 notes and I'll talk to my therapist about managing my hypersexuality

50 notes and I'll start cleaning my room. Maybe. Possibly.

55 notes and I'll try to start reading actual books more

60 notes and I'll wash all my clothes and try to start putting outfits together

65 notes and I'll make a schedule for my schoolwork and try to start doing it everyday.

70 notes and I'll go to a pride event

75 notes and I'll talk to my sister about why I haven't been interacting with her a lot

80 notes and I'll go to my sister's house

85 notes and I'll start telling my mother when other alters are fronting with me

90 notes and I'll try to talk to my friends more

95 notes and I'll tell my mother about my ED

100 notes and I'll start going to weekly events at the local library + try to make an irl friend

Luckily I'm a small blog and idk anyone with like . Tag lists ??? So I won't have to do many of these

No spam ig. I'll add more if it passes 100 in the next like year or smth idk.

The gimmicks found me so more. As I'm writing this I got three new notifications two of which are taglists.

110 and I'll try to get into drawing again

120 and I'll write a full chapter for my book

130 and I'll ask tumblr what they think of my book

140 and I'll talk to my only irl somewhat-friend again

150 and I'll ask previous mentioned person to hang out

160 and I'll try to eat healthier

170 and I'll make an altar for the entities in my room (religion thing)

180 and I'll try to officially work with a deity (religion thing)

190 and I'll try to fix my attention span

200 and I'll clean up the dirty dishes in my room

1k and I'll try to finish writing my entire book

(Caps warning)

IVE GOTTEN LIKE 20 NOTIFS WRITING THIS NOW IM SCARED.

[wasyago]

we're at it again🕺

[time-woods]

I WAS TRYING TO ASK HOW WOULD HIS EXOSKELETON UNDER HIS 'EXOSKELETON' LOOK BUT I PHRASED IT TERRIBLY AND MY PFP ISNT MAKING IT ANY BETTER

[awkwardbakugou]

Training day is my favorite day 😩

[fox-guardian]

[ID: A digital comic in two images of Samama Khalid and Celia Ripley from The Magnus Protocol on a gray background. Sam is a fat South Asian man with short, curly black hair, and a mustache and small goatee, and he is wearing a turtleneck, a cardigan, black nail polish and small black earrings. Celia is a slim Korean woman with short black hair, and she is wearing a button down shirt, a vest, rectangular glasses, an x-shaped earring, an industrial piercing, and snakebite studs. Sam is colored in solid red, and Celia is colored in solid green.

The first image is three drawings of Sam. The first is of him looking up pleadingly with his hands clasped and his eyes large and sparkly with sparkles around his head saying "Ahem, please?" The second is him holding up two tickets and smiling, saying "Ta-da! These incredibly exclusive, hardly-discounted, barely obstructed theatre tickets?" The last is him holding up the tickets to himself to read them and saying "I don't really know much about it, I just thought-" His eyes are drawn as dots in the last one.

The second image is of Celia smiling down at him with half-lidded eyes and an amused and slightly scheming smile. She is blushing lightly with a thought bubble next to her with partially blocked out text reading "I need to (blank) him and (blank blank) him until he (blank)". The censored parts also contain pink hearts on the black censor bars. end ID]

~~~~

thinkin bout that one bit. i love him <3 celia you need to kiss his silly little face or i will

[tubbytarchia]

I told you I never stop thinking about merpearl

[5hrignold]

i meant to put this together days ago but here’s pim gifs from the new episode let’s all pretend it still just came out lalalala

[napping-sapphic]

Really want to fall in love with someone who likes late night phone calls like let’s talk until it’s way too late let’s talk in a way that makes me a little bolder let’s talk in a way that makes me miss you even more than i did before let’s talk when we’re both soft and sleepy and just need some company in whatever form we can get it in