#im just immobilized with dread right now

[baladric]

truly it is incredible how much i dont want to go to my mom's house on monday lmao like it's going to be nonstop therapy time bc she's a mess and needs help that none of us can give bc she lives two states away from every family member and has no friends she allows closer than casual acquaintance, and im tired and in my own bad emotional state, and i just want to be in my own house and not be missing my cat or my computer or my safe spaces, like. why did i agree to six fucking days. why do i have to need money so badly that i agreed to sing the xmas eve services at my choir job (these go till 11pm) and then fly at ass o'clock on xmas day. why have we not invented teleportation so i can go home at the end of my days w mom. why..

[moafleco]

i hate that duality that your mind can be your safe heaven that helps you get through some difficult things, keeps you going and brings you happiness at the worst of times. and at the very same time it could be your worst tormentor that won't let you rest and won't let you breathe, literally for no particular reason at all. and you can't leave or silence it. can't get it to stop when it gets dark in there. can't get the light in when you desperately need to feel a respite instead of suffocation.

[mischasbongwater]

farkas x reader

warning: intense sex, vaguely fem-bodied reader but only if you squint

authors note: this is most certainly not my best work, just practice if anything but im still glad i finished it (emphasis on finished) and i wanted to share it and this felt like a good place to do it

(also for context this takes place after his transformation in the crypt that first time)

You slip into Farkas’s room as quickly and quietly as you can, out of worry that one of the other Companions might get suspicious. You carefully close the door, turn around—

—And Farkas is standing at the foot of his bed, in nothing but a loincloth.

“OH!” You yelp, throwing your hands up in front of your face. “I’m sorry, I didn’t-“

“It’s fine, open your eyes. I don’t care.”

You falter. “Wh- seriously?”

“Yeah. Why not?”

Slowly, you lower your hands and look at him. He’s sat down on his bed now, arms folded. Somehow he still looks just as big and intimidating as when he’s wearing armor. You can so clearly see his muscles rippling beneath his olive skin, but you try not to look anywhere other than his face — or arms.

You catch the inquisitive look on his face and snap yourself back to reality. “So,” you begin. “Werewolf.”

“Yes,” he agrees. “It is a gift given only to those in the Circle. Should you want to share the beastblood, you’ll have to prove your honor.”

“Right.” You cannot stop looking at him.

“Truth be told, if you want a more technical history, you should talk to Kodlak or Vilkas. I don’t usually put much thought into it beyond the gift itself. But- are you okay?”

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. You smell different.” He stands up.

“That- is so weird,” you respond, momentarily distracted by bewilderment. “What do I smell like?”

“Normally? Just you. But now…” He steps closer until he’s barely a foot away from you. It feels like his bare chest is looking you straight in the eyes. “It’s different. Stronger. Sweeter.”

You look up at him, eyes wide, feeling something you’ve never quite felt before. Dread and thrill both building up in your stomach, like white-hot balls of metal expanding through your abdomen. Sharp bursts of adrenaline spiking through your body.

“Are you interested in me, new blood?” His deep, gritty voice had a strange new cadence to it, like warm honey pouring into your ears.

You inhale shakily. “I- don’t know how to answer that question.”

“Can I answer it for you?”

You don’t even know if the word “yes” had left your mouth yet before you were in Farkas’s grasp. One hand is gently gripping the back of your neck, and the other is caressing the top of your head, weaving fingers through your hair. His rough, salty lips are pressed against yours, hard. You reach out and place your hands on his hips, closing the gap between you. He quivers under your touch, then melts into it, grabbing a handful of your hair and pushing his tongue into your mouth.

After a few heated moments, he pulls back, much to your disappointment.

“Do you want this?” He asks, his voice sounding much darker now.

You look at him, confused. “Wh-“

“The beast-spirit inside of me. He wants you. Bad.” He fidgets with his hands, showing the first glimpse of true uncertainty and nervousness you’ve ever seen from him. “I don’t know if I can keep being gentle like this. I don’t want to-”

“Farkas.” You take his hands. “I don’t care. I’m yours.”

A lustful spark appears in his eyes. He grabs you by your waist, picks you up with ease, and pins you to his bed, desperately grabbing at your clothes and trying to pull them off.

He seems as stocky and strong as a tree trunk, every part of him laying over you like this. He reaches down and pulls his loincloth off, then lowers himself down, almost completely immobilizing you.

His hands wander up to your face, lazily at first, then grabbing you roughly and once more pushing his lips against yours. His hips begin to thrust slowly against yours, and you feel his hardening cock sliding up and down against your stomach.

“Mmm… you smell so good.” His hands travel across your body, greedily touching every part he can reach. Your own hand begins to drift downward, but he grabs your wrist and pins it above your head.

“You had your chance to lead,” he growls. “It’s my turn now.” He pins up your other hand and buries his face in the crook of your neck, sucking and biting, forcing high, breathy moans out of your mouth. His movement slowly grows more desperate, and you feel the same.

“Farkas…” you say pleadingly. He lets out a deep purr and snaps his hips against you in approval. He raises his head above yours. You stare into his eyes, and he stares back, perfectly mirroring the burning passion you feel. His soft raven hair hangs down perfectly around his broad, rugged face. He leans down and whispers into your ear, his hot breath tickling your skin and sending tingles down your back. “I’m going to make you mine.”

Without any more warning than that, he grabs your hips so hard you think he might leave handprints, and he pushes his tip inside of you. You let out a shuddering gasp, your hands shooting up and grabbing onto his biceps for dear life.

He begins to push further into you, his thick shaft throbbing and stretching you out. The pain felt so good. A keening moan escapes from your mouth. Farkas closes his eyes, and you can see the muscles feathering along his tightly-clenched jaw as he sinks deeper and deeper into you.

“Farkas,” you breathe out. “Farkas-” you yelp as he forcefully thrusts his full length into you. “Y-you’re so big…” you manage to stammer out. “Fu-uuck. Please, Farkas.”

He opens his eyes and smirks. He smirks at you.

“Please what, darling?”

“Fuck me,” you heave desperately, your nails digging into his skin. “Fuck me, Farkas, please, I-”

You’re cut off by his strong, meaty hand pressing over your mouth, covering half your face. He gives a firm but gentle squeeze. “Sshhh, shh-shh.” He purrs. “Can’t have you waking up the others.” He starts slowly thrusting again. “Or is that what you want? Does the new blood want all of Jorrvaskr to hear them whining like a dog?”

You can do nothing but squeeze your eyes shut, your whole body pulsating with the feeling of him inside of you. That white-hot feeling is back, even more intensely now, like a sun planted in your stomach.

“That’s right,” he groans, starting to speed up. “Good.” He squeezes your face tighter, his eyes closing again and his head tilting back in pleasure. His movements grow almost animalistic, shoving himself further and further inside of you over and over. Your body tenses up, vibrating with heat and ecstasy, his cock filling you up so deep you think you might pass out. Your moans are uncontrollable and muffled by his hand, while your own are nearly drawing blood from their death grip on his arms. He keeps pounding into you, grunting and moaning huskily, holding you solidly in place. Your hips snap back up in rhythm with his, your body twitching from the pleasure and strain. If not for him muzzling you, you would be crying out, screaming his name, moaning and keening in primal euphoria.

The ball in your stomach expands like molten metal, spreading through your body until it feels as if Farkas has filled every last inch of you. It builds and builds and builds-

Until he stops, hilt-deep inside of you. You squirm and cry out, frantic with lust and just on the edge of overstimulation from his huge cock. He hums smugly at your struggle, his face inches away from yours. “Look at you. Such a desperate little thing. You like being used like this?”

You nod, aggressively and pathetically. Farkas chuckles, and the deep, raspy sound of his subtle laughter is almost enough to send you over the edge right there. He shifts, taking his other hand and grasping both sides of your face, pushing his thumbs into your mouth.

“Stay quiet,” he growls, before continuing his merciless thrusts at the same pace he left off at. Without even meaning to, you clamp down on his thumbs between your teeth, letting out a flood of sharp, cut-off moans as he fucks you with reckless abandon. You almost can’t stand the speed and girth hammering into you, sending you into a state of complete, mindless hunger.

Through your feral haze, you see his bottom lip caught under his teeth, his eyes tightly closed, and his eyebrows knitted together. Then his mouth hangs open, and a small whimper escapes into the air.

The molten ball inside of you explodes, coating his length and squirting onto his thighs and stomach. You lay completely silent, convulsing and arching beneath him, consumed with bliss. You scratch helplessly at his shoulders, wordlessly begging, and Farkas complies, thrusting more sensually yet somehow rougher into you now. He covers your mouth again, and you allow the torrent of wild moans to erupt from within you as he continues to fuck you through your orgasm, every vein and ridge on his cock hitting you in all the right places.

Just when you think you might finally go unconscious, he pulls out and a thick ribbon of cum streams out onto your stomach. He looks to be reared back like a horse, holding tight onto your hips to keep from falling, head swung back as he shudders through his own orgasm.

Panting, he collapses onto you, practically forcing the air out of your lungs with his weight. You wrestle your arms out from under him and wrap them around his torso — or at least, as far around as they can reach.

“Fuck,” Farkas whispers hoarsely, enveloping you in his arms now and turning you both to your sides. You make a noise of agreement muffled by his chest.

“Are- are you gonna stay here?” He asks, a hint of nervousness in his voice. You make another noise, this one of more serene agreement. He exhales deeply and goes limp, pulling you closer to him. You were both far too hot and sweaty for his blankets, but not for your own skin against the other’s. Filled with contentment and… other stuff… you relish in his scent and the feeling of his body pressed against yours. You catch a glimpse of the moon from outside his window.

Who cares if he’s a werewolf, you think to yourself. Nothing could make me rethink this.

[threepandas]

Sun Burnt: Part 2

Sixteen grand, only half my go bags, and about three blocks of Mafia Land on fire.

That was my fucking legacy now. I was the crazy fuck that DICK PUNCHED the Dread God of hitmen everywhere. The nightmare that lesser men fear. The blood soaked luxury few can afford! Oh god. I just punch the greatest hitman on THE PLANET in the DICK.

IN PUBLIC.

CURSE YOU LIGHTNING BRAIN!

I can't believe I fucking FORGOT that panic and impossibly fast reaction times were a BAD IDEA. God DAMN it! No wonder everyone thinks Lightnings are morons! That was the DUMBEST SHIT I'VE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE! Oh god. Oh god! I'm gonna die so slow. He's gonna drag it out! What do I DO!?

He didn't even collapse! Just hissed in through his teeth and TANKED it!

Thank god for Tazer training.

But also like!? Ha ha!!! OH GOD IM SO DEAD. I just pissed off EVERYBODY, didn't I? I can never come back! I had to have hit like... fifteen DIFFERENT SETS back there! And Colonello will be out for my BLOOD. Fuck, I wanna LIVE!

Boats. I gotta steal one of the boats!

And thank god? I DO. The island is in chaos, thanks to the fires. I dump the boats number of trackers overboard. Sure, I have to take a knife to a few fancy ass walls. But it's WORTH it.

I got a fancy ass little yacht! Perfect. It's fast, it's liveable, I can DISAPPEAR out to sea. He'll NEVER fi-!

Click.

Cool metal smoothly, cruely, presses againt the back of my head to crush my hope, just as it begins to form. The cologne is unmistakable. I can not tell you, how in God's name I missed it. The barrel of a gun pressed close, like a lover's hand, in unspoken threat.

"Bella~" purrs an amused voice from behind me. It sound like a threat. "Quite the trouble maker, aren't you? Such... CHAOS~♡ But, really? Did you HONESTLY think you could run? We're not done yet."

.....m...maybe I could swim.

I break out into a cold sweat, too aware yet completely frozen. The stairs to the deck are too far away. Fuck. I... I could MAYBE make it? Or.. or punch out a wall? Right into the water? I try to keep my breathing even. It doesn't work. I know, because Death made a man? Who stands behind me? Hums in amusement. His gun pressing tighter against my skin.

"I wouldn't, bella fulminea. I am nothing if not a gentleman, but if you keep fighting me? Well... it is a long boat ride. I'll have to find SOME way to immobilize you long enough for us to have a little chat. And an excuse to have my Flames inside you? You'd be surprised the damage one can do without lasting effects, when they know HOW too."

"And make no mistake. I DO know how to hurt you."

"So let's behave ourselves, hmm? Have a seat."

I... I had a seat. Very comfy. Didn't feel like crying in the SLIGHTEST ha ha, WHAAAT? Don't be silly! This is FINE! We're all friends here! R..Right?

The slow grin I got was NOT reassuring.

He stood there, above me, gun casually pointed at my head, as he examined me. Taking his time. As though decadently savoring the moment. Enjoying my tensed muscles. The way my Flames crackled and arced across my skin. My eyes dilated in fear. The resonance that filled the cabin.

His eyes weren't dark anymore. And that... God, that was the worst part. They had lit up. I'd HEARD about the phenomenon, but never thought I ever actually SEE it. 'Cause who could actually be that batshit powerful? What realistic person would ever be so fucking STRONG?

It was like looking into molten gold. Liquid Sun Flames. I could almost SEE the flicker and burn. I could DEFINITELY feel the Flames filling the room. It was like being crammed in a box with a tiger that barely fit to begin with. Shoved RIGHT up against its face. All I could do was hope it was friendly. Preferably ignored me.

But he wasn't.

No, he wanted to TALK.

Had finally, thankfully, put the gun away. Stepped closer to grab my face and tilt it up. Angle it this way and that. Memorizing my features. Shit. My thoughts must have been obvious on my face, because his smirk widened. His grip got tighter.

"Do you know, little lightning, how long I've waited? How many DECADES I've made do? I don't care if you're not a Sky. You could be another sun as far as I'm concerned. It is the fact that your Flames SING to mine. Crave a place with mine. THAT is why you will never escape me."

I didn't even know if I WANTED a Set. Yeah, it sounded cool. The companionship, the understanding and stuff. Like... like soulmates. Literal platonic but could be not if you wanted Soulmates. Yours forever. Best friends and balm to all wounds. But? But! If THIS was what was in store for me?!

Ha ha, NOPE!

I may not have be interested in being some meat shield for some entitled, cloying, grabby-flamed Sky BRAT, but that didn't mean I wanted a living DREAD GOD! R... RIGHT?! I just wanted, you know, substance! Mutual understanding and a mature outlook on life. Competence. Maybe some one... who thinks... I'm...funny...

Ooooooh no.

Oh no no NO!

"REBORN! Did you KIDNAP a random thief?!"

Thuds up on the deck. A roaring voice sounding vaguely hysterical. A god like Cloud kicking the door to the lower levels clear off it's hinges. Vongola. Oh thank MERCIFUL FUCK. I risk a glance across the table. His face has frozen in it's pleasantly smiling mask. Pissed at being interrupted. Again.

His eyes say "don't you do it. Don't even DARE.

My eyes shoot from him to the Cloud slowly walking down the steps. Followed by the rest of the Tenth generation of the Vongola Familgia. The clear exit they've left open behind them. Back to him. His gaze now promising to break both my legs.

.....he'll have to fucking catch me first.

I BOLT.

[wifiwuxians]

Can i get a mf uuuuh 26 with ChengChao?

from this post

a kiss as an apology

(im sorry i was gonna do lighthearted but i was unable. also readmores dont seem to work so im super sorry)

Wang Lingjiao making a fool of herself in front of his mother had let Jiang Cheng know Wen Chao was probably close by, and he had the sneaking suspicion the woman’s presence was simply a distraction. Leaving Wei Wuxian to supervise the situation (perhaps against his better judgement), he rushed outside to find the bratty young master. 

Their last interaction had been pitiful. Naturally Jiang Cheng had sided with Wei Wuxian during the incident on Dusk-creek Mountain, as no matter what history he had with the stupid Wen, he could never agree with his ridiculous indoctrination camp or its ludicrous requirements. He was ashamed of Wen Chao, and he’d said so very loudly. Wei Wuxian holding a sword to his neck perhaps hadn’t been the greatest move, but abandoning him in a cave with a monster had been even worse. 

Wen Chao’s face had wrinkled like a shar-pei’s upon being yelled at by Jiang Cheng, which had only added to his humiliation. When Jiang Cheng dared him to chase after him as he went to seek help for Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji, Wen Chao did nothing except shout and angrily wave his arms around. Jiang Cheng was sure he’d wanted to pump him full of arrows, but despite having his archers at the ready, all he’d thrown were insults. 

Now, just as he’d suspected, Wen Chao was by the training fields, bent over the grass growing by the lake as he struggled to get a flame going. Jiang Cheng could make out an entire fleet waiting on the water by the docks. 

“What do you think you’re doing?” He barked, just as the sparks from Wen Chao’s small flame array finally began to burn the grass around him. 

“Well, well, look who’s here to welcome me!” Wen Chao stood up and turned around with his arms outstretched, a twisted grin on his face. His weak flames were slowly beginning to spread. “How nice of you!”

“Are you really going to try to burn down my home all because I lectured you a little?” Jiang Cheng rolled his eyes. He took a step forward to extinguish the flames, but Wen Chao brought his foot down hard and caused them to grow. 

Fire was ruled by emotion, and he was clearly very angry. 

“A little?” Wen Chao stomped his foot again, making the flames double in size. Jiang Cheng had to shield his eyes from the glare they cast. “You humiliated me! You made me look like an idiot in front of everyone!”

“You did that without my help!” Jiang Cheng spat. “Look at you, throwing a tantrum like a child! Every decision you’ve made in the past year is one only an idiot would make!”

Not that Jiang Cheng was being the smartest in that moment, either. Each time he berated Wen Chao, the fire would engulf more of the training fields. It took him a moment to realize it was spreading in a circle, designed to trap him in with a man who the flames wouldn’t burn.

“Go ahead, say something more! I’ll burn that handsome face of yours next!” Wen Chao snarled, showing his gums as if he were a rabid dog. “You’ve always been laughing at me, haven’t you? Laughing at how pathetic I am compared to you, so disciplined and hardworking!”

Jiang Cheng frowned and opened his mouth to protest. He wouldn’t dream of laughing at anyone who was under his level of skill, not when he spent all his time trying to surpass someone else. “I-” “You think I’m weak!” Wen Chao shouted at him before he could fit another word in. 

The flames branched out, reaching the fields’ lookout posts and licking the wood, which was steadily beginning to blacken.

“Who’s weak!?” The twisted grin was back. “Who’s weak now!?”

This brat... Jiang Cheng knew he had to act fast, or the fire would spread to the Pier’s main buildings. The glow it gave off had surely already alerted the Wen fleet, meaning it wouldn’t be long before they stormed his home. 

He rushed at Wen Chao, who now had his head thrown back in a maniacal laugh, and drove his fist clean into his stomach. He doubled over instantly, his eyes wide with shock as he fell limply into Jiang Cheng’s steady grip. 

The flames did not stop burning.

“What have you proved with this? Anyone can start a fire. You’re weak of mind more than anything, aren’t you?” Jiang Cheng muttered. “You hide behind shows of power to make yourself feel better for it. You’re no better than your father.”

Due to the sweltering heat surrounding him, he initially failed to register the hot tears splashing his shoulder. When he did, he felt the beginnings of dread coil in his gut. 

“Why don’t you like me anymore?” 

The punch had immobilized Wen Chao, but it hadn’t yet knocked him out. His voice cracked as if he were nothing more than a boy. Jiang Cheng felt guilty and he hated it. Was that what this was about? Was it even true? (On some level it was, of course, as who could like someone who acted this way? But still...)

He’d only been six years old when he’d first seen Wen Chao, small and weak and clutching his scraped knee as he sobbed by a boulder. 

“What happened?” He’d asked. 

“My brother pushed me off the rock,” Wen Chao had struggled to respond through harsh sniffles.

Even back then, Jiang Cheng had felt a strong desire to look after those weaker than him. He’d felt sorry for Wen Chao, who was nothing more than a frail little thing despite being at least two years older than him. Perhaps it was laughable, a little boy holding hands with an older kid who was crying his eyes out over a scrape. Jiang Cheng’s mother certainly thought so- as did Wen Chao’s father. 

But it hadn’t mattered to Jiang Cheng, because he’d known he was doing the right thing. 

Now he couldn’t help but wonder if he shouldn’t have allowed them to drift, if he somehow should’ve kept Wen Chao by his side. If that would’ve changed this outcome at all, or if Qishan Wen’s history of violence and oppression would’ve sunken its claws into him regardless.

Stupid, pathetic Wen Chao. 

Jiang Cheng brought them both to the burning ground as Jiang disciples poured into the fields from all sides, frantically trying to put out the flames surrounding them. 

He took one look at the now unconscious Wen Chao and felt the guilt constrict around his heart, squeezing it so tightly he thought it would burst. 

Ignoring the shouting of his sect’s disciples, he kissed the top of Wen Chao’s stupid, pathetic head. 

[musicallisto]

hiya!! may i request a marvel matchup please?? im a pale freckled girl thats incredibly shy(in person) once you first meet me, but once i know you im pretty open. im socially awkward-- i own 3 ferrets,, i love indie and rock music and musicals, and i love art, anime and pastel colors. i am mildly insecure and just a bit chubby. i love horror but i dont have the guts to play or watch any horror ;__; i fall in love way too easily, and im a super weeb(im taking japanese on my own time). ♡♡

I Ship You With...

Peter Parker

Peter is all for a personality like yours. You’re not necessarily exuberant or very extroverted but at the same time you have your own quirks and interests that make you a fascinating person to discover every day, and you can hold a conversation once you feel comfortable with someone. In a sense, that’s very much like him, except he’s probably more awkward - not only in the social sense, but just in the fact that he’s always knocking stuff over and having generally bad timing with what he says. Normally, he would combust in shame, but it makes you laugh and at the same time comforts you because you’re not alone in that situation, so he figures that for once he did something great with his awkwardness.

He would love your ferrets. At first he would be a little weary, because he doesn’t do well with animals that are not plain dogs or cats - it’s not that he doesn’t like them, he loves them, but they tend to bite him or hiss at him for no reason. But then he realizes that your ferrets are just like you: friendly and open, a little shy at first, but warm and fun as soon as they grow more comfortable. You can see him hanging out with his “ferret buddies” as he calls them when he's at your place for some class presentation or some homework. Instead of researching biology or history, he’s feeding the ferrets much more treats than you normally authorize. He’s like a whipped dad with them.

Peter would also be very admirative of you learning Japanese - he isn’t particularly good at any other language in class, but he knows the struggle of learning of these new words and grammar rules, especially when they’re in an entirely new alphabet and writing system. He would help you revise by asking you questions on your Japanese cheat sheets and try to hold conversations with you, asking you questions to which you have to answer. His accent is dreadful, but it’s really fun times. Besides, the reward to a perfect session is getting to watch anime while you cuddle with Peter. It’s a win-win situation, right? You’re still practicing Japanese all while being close to Peter, and enjoying the story.

Peter wouldn’t let you be insecure for a single second. In his awkward way of his, he would oftentimes tell you how beautiful you are and how grateful he is that you entered his life - but he would get the words mixed up, or they’d come out in a different manner than what he expected, making both of you blush madly. Anyway, it’s a very cute moment to watch.

When you finally work up the courage to have a horror movie night with Peter, you instantly regret it. You love the thrill of suspense, but at the same time cannot stand the immobile shots of a dark hallway with the music rising in a crescendo. Instinctively, you shut your eyes and Peter covers them, but when you don’t feel his warmth on your eyelids anymore, you open them to see that he is now covering his own eyes and shaking like a leaf. Apparently, all these times saving the galaxy did not help him develop a resistance to scary movies.

Also, musical nights with Peter! I believe he would have no problem getting into musicals and Broadway - at this point I just assume that every New Yorker likes Broadway to some extent, and he gives off some mild musical theater kid energy, so I can definitely get behind that. You would have sing-offs and dance-offs to your favorite musicals or karaoke nights just the two of you where the first one to forget the lyrics would have to buy some food for the other. Unsurprisingly, you win most of the time. What can you say? That head was made to retain lyrics, not math formulas.

With Peter, it’s different from the other times you’ve fallen in love. Yes, you grow attached very easily, but you have the feeling that this one is going to last, and that you will discover everything there is to see in life side by side, hand in hand.

[parasolids]

long mildly emo rant incoming this is supposed to be a readmore so skip this post if ur on mobile

the issue im having is that normally when people reach out/text or whatever it would feel good to know that i still matter to someone or another but now all it brings is dread but like it does help to remind myself i’m not completely disposable but like. someone reaches out and i see the text and im like man i cannot read this right now goodnight [forgets to read for days] [remembers to read] [realizes its been a week and theres probably no point in responding now]

like one of my teammates texted me yesterday asking if i had lunch bc if not he had his car w him and we could grab something and like, i had food with me but it was nice that he cared enough to ask especially because i have trouble gauging whether people are just being nice to me for social niceties but at the same time when i got his text i was like dang i cant read and like slammed out a response and smashed that send button so it wouldnt look weird. or i got a text like a week ago and i did not read it, then i went to sleep, then i did not read it again for like 2 more days, then i skimmed it and panicked and closed without finishing it, then i remembered that i had more messages to deal with, skimmed those, still have not replied to any of them but one and even that left me out of it for a couple hours, really the only texts i’ve been fielding are either my parents, my subteam lead, and one person who’s texted me like 3x ever - so like, the non social type stuff 

like even when i know logically that i’m wanted. somehow i always can find a way to prove it wrong. existing is just exhausting and i want to drop out of life entirely and stop thinking. i think about dropping formula a lot just to avoid all these people and all the reminders that i’m no good at anything but i kind of have to stick it out so that i don’t further screw the team over by dropping. like man this weird streak of feeling like this has been going for aboutttt 2 months now and it’s surprisingly out of control. i thought i had it under control and it was my own fault for feeling like this but then i realized that even if i wanted to, i would not be able to fix some of this. the screwy eating habits? yeah i could eat and that would help but that won’t fix the instinct. the social stuff? i can make an attempt to be less mean to myself about it but it’s still really hard to just... do the basic Read And Respond To Texts even if i want to. thought i was doing it better in terms of [REDACTED] but then i realized i was just stopping one form and starting several others and that one’s actually getting worse. doing things and not staying immobile is getting a little bit tough but it is possible that if i fix the whole eating issue that one might fix itself too.  this is probably not a good sign and i’m pretty sure it’s time to Take Action about it but like  i just got my license in the mail and idk how i’m gonna get to walmart to get my money and by the time it all works out will there even be time left in the semester to see a counselor or whatever ?!  aaaaah

[pipesflowforeverandever]

Stars

Hey so I regularly harass @thebutchergang and we accidentally got??? Really deep? So I wrote a drabble based on it. Also a bit of a test run if I want to write Edgar into my fic series or not.

It was completely and utterly ridiculous what she had to put up with for the past few days.

Finally the woman trapped in the studio had a moment to sit down, dismayed by the sound of a slight, sloppy noise as the bottom of her soaked pantlegs hit against the wall. Dangling her weary legs over the ledge where this unreasonably tall structure the elevator was situated, the stranger had to actively remind herself she was safe as a firm thud landed recklessly by her side.

Well, she was probably safe.

Indeed, as she looked over Level 14, as of late a monster had joined her as a traveling companion.

What a bizarre story. She hardly believed it herself. How did this happen again?

Tired eyes glimpsed over to the round, multiarmed fiend without turning her head; she had learned from experience that movement around this one only brings about chaos. All the same, the Striker caught sight of her irises flashing his way, and she soon found her shoulders raise and stiffen with a light but disturbed gasp, the creature having leaned that bulbus head of his into her personal space as far as he could stretch.

And as two beings strange in this world in totally different ways observed each other’s inexplicable response- his invasiveness and her discomfort- a flash of recollection swarmed the woman alongside a shiver.

Whether the little gremlin found her or if she found him earlier might as well have been a coin toss. Realistically, they just…bumped into each other. Just as the woman turned a corner, she felt a solid but corpselike cold hit her torso, sending her to the floor. God, that was an unforgiving fall- she could still feel it now as an ache in her lower back- but the pain in her chest from a pounding heartbeat was soon the most prominent feeling to pulse through her.

Because just as she had fallen, the intruder found that she brought someone down with her. One painted cartoon eye stared back alongside a strained human eyeball, seemingly dipping into its eye socket to tie it to its own skull.

A skid along the floor. Her phone- she had been using it for a flashlight-!

They looked at each other for one dreadful second. Shock still wanted to immobilize her, but she had to make a choice. Dive for the phone or turn tail and run. And in the end…yes, neither of them had chosen to meet the other. Definitely, however, it was the monster’s decision to snatch her cell phone right out of her hands as soon as she held it once again.

“H-HEY!” she had screamed. It was a yell intended as a demand this thing return it to her, but her word could have probably better served as a warning. As the twisted human spider investigated the device, its gloved hands jerked the back of the phone towards itself- a flashlight fully shining into that lone real eye. Once again- almost comedically- the cartoony gargoyle fell back on its bottom, leaving the woman standing over the beast in both wonder and disbelief.

Her eyes flashed down to the phone. Yup. She was going to do this. She really was. Alright then.

And so the woman lunged for the device even as it was still in its grasp, hoping against hope it was stunned enough to let her just take it back already-

She saw and felt a dirtied white glove grip her forearm just long enough to allow her eyes to go wide in fear. An eyeball rolled around in that hole in its head. It didn’t seem to blink. Didn’t seem capable to.

She wasn’t sure she could read its emotions anyway.

But instead of tightening its strange, fidgety grip- instead of pulling her down to the ground with it- instead of using this moment to its advantage to attack…the being’s stare fell down to the phone once more. Hesitantly and despite the flashlight shining over half of her face, she looked too. Under it’s abnormally large thumb was a shining screen, turned on sometime in between the two falls it had taken; the lower portion was grey with…keys. Typing keys. Its finger lifted and somehow, some way, the creature’s totally bare eye seemed to widen even more as a smear of the hand allowed letters to appear.

Language.

And they stayed like this for a long time it seemed, that terrible pain in her back only worsening as the intruder of the studio was forced in place, an incredibly uncomfortable lean over the little monster as one hand refused to let go and the other two were pressing at her phone.

Well, maybe “mashing” and “assaulting” would be better words. It even smacked the screen at one point, and she wondered if it was the dread of its life in her hands or the possibility of this violence cracking the screen that made her feel sick.

But eventually, eventually…-

…

“’E…Edgar?’” she read, the monster thrusting the screen into her face.

And he hadn’t left her since.

So that’s how it had been. The quirky walking corpse had figured out just like that that he could, in fact, speak after all these years of silence. Ironic for someone with two mouths. It took a bit to figure out- a few pleading, puppylike gazes and a dash of anxiety that the violence towards the phone to turn towards her instead- but there came to be a unique sort of agreement between the two. He’d follow her around and yell nonsense through text and she’d put up with it or else god knows what. Pretty fair deal, in the end.

And boy was it some sort of nonsense.

“DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE”

“I WILL EAT YOUR TEETH”

“Your liver will be shaped like a carrot when I’m done with it”

It’s understandable that each time Edgar handed the phone back to her to read what he had proudly authored, a nerve-wracked grin of dread fell upon her face like the darkness of death itself.

But that seemed to be…the extent of it. As she walked along these haunted halls, the little thing would tug on her hand every so often like a young boy that needs a bathroom break- sometimes with huge 20-minute gaps of time in between and sometimes beseeching her so frequently the bones in her wrist started to ache. And then-

“!!!!!!!!!!!! YES!!!!”

This verbalization was…different. Still not comprehendible but…not a threat. The surprise of it made her stop in her steps, a cautious but still curiously raised eyebrow facing down at her new shadow. The gremlin almost seemed…proud? Something in its expression; it stayed in place so much that any sort of change was noticeable in a snap. Yes, “Edgar’s” human eye seemed to wrinkle just a tiny bit.

Another glance towards her hand explained why.

“cucumber”

“Oh my god,” she said out loud but to no one, realizing that she had accidentally smudged some sort of series of keys that provoked spellcheck before handing it back down to him once more. A palm hit her face and slid down…and when it left her, she saw another expression on the fiend’s face. Maybe it was her exasperation, maybe it was the silliness of it all, but…the small spider seemed to be beaming. Yes, that was undeniably a smile curving his sausage-like lips.

Indeed, a slip of her own hand accidentally replying to his written screaming was all it took to start a conversation. And so joining insanity seemed to be the correct response to its existence.

“Lime”

“Flavour Taste”

“Slurp the lime gurt”

“I want to eat an abple”

“I have one! It is several weeks old. It has white fuzz and a friend inside”

“Can I eat”

“yes but be warned. You might die”

“okay im eat now”

“yeah sounds good”

It didn’t take long for it to be unclear to a hypothetical observer which of these two had likely suffered decades of head injury and lack of human interaction. Indeed, the woman was having fun. She questioned the actual intelligence of the creature still, but he certainly seemed…very far gone. As amusing as these conversations were, it couldn’t be helped that they were tinged with a very dark sort of humor.

And that’s where she was now with him, sitting together like a pair of siblings.

How long had it been? At least a day it felt like since they became a purposeless duo. And yet…she enjoyed the company. Eventually. And it seemed to be doing him a service. It must have been quite a while since he had a friend.

…

Reluctantly, as they looked face to face in the present, it was undeniable he thought her a friend. How utterly uncanny that she was beginning to say the same. The lightness of their garbled talk- almost like he was just a toddler that knew how to kill someone- had made her laugh more than a few times, and certainly Edgar seemed to jump each time the woman did.

Had she noticed that he had caught on to her smiles, that he was trying to make her do it more and more? She was searching endlessly for an escape, but certainly these little quips were an escape unto themselves.

But now something was…different.

“Wow,” the woman had sighed under her breath. The elevator had fallen and fallen until they stood above a giant pool of ink. It seemed to gaze upon them as they gazed upon it, the glimmers of the waves almost glinting like sets of eyes. Something about the way it shined, something about the way the lights reflected upon them…

As he invaded her personal space, his stitched head only inches from hers, she felt a weight in her hand once again, the communicator placed irregularly gently in her grasp; and as he pulled away, the monster’s aura seemed mysteriously…sad. All the lines on the current note app were his and his alone.

“There are 6 stars in the sky”

“One for me. One for my wife. Two for my 2 kids. And two for me and my wife’s existing parents.”

“Damibly”

Speechless. Beyond the screen, the traveler saw her companion turn his head away and slowly glance towards the stars scattered over the liquid ground. He…He was…

This whole time, the woman hadn’t considered that Edgar used to be a human being. It left a big gaping hole in their conversation; even if their talk was audibly silent, this quiet was inexplicably poignant.

She had to say something.

“Oh”

“I bet they’re beautiful”

That was all she could come up with. After a moment, the phone was passed back to her.

“They’re so pretty and sparkly”

“You think stars can be eaten”

“I tried to eat the alice door star and she punched me”

Inevitably, a snort came from the woman’s nose and her face wrinkled in a grin at the thought of Edgar trying to eat a prop. His head tilt was invocative that he approved, almost as if the gremlin was worried he had sucked her joy away entirely just before. His turn to read now:

“Are you a star?”

“I think you’re a star”

It too was asked in humor, and yet words weren’t needed to see his heart only sank. Soon hers would too, uncovering a whole second lifetime of longing and suffering with three mere lines.

“I wish I was so I can be with my other stars”

“If I die again, I might come back as a star”

“I hope”

And the woman realized she could grasp how but never what it truly felt like to be pushed to the point that one wished to die in hope that maybe the life after the next may give back what had so wrongfully been stolen.

Hair was pushed behind her ear as a silent sigh moved her whole body, revealing that a glitter was with her too; but it felt best to not let the lost soul see her cry. He had already gone through so much. Maybe she was in pain, maybe she was scared and tormented too…but she was fresh to this cartoon hell. She still had a bit left to give for the sake of someone more broken than she.

One last exchange. A shadow fell over the screen as Edgar’s head titled parallel to it. A long pause, as if he was reading it over and over.

Finally, the warped spider remembered that a nod could mean “yes” when not even typed words were easy to make out. The woman’s offer was accepted, and the being who used to be human nuzzled his scarred face into her chest, letting the warmth of her hug wrap around his body in hopes that it would start to hurt just a little less.

“I got ya, Edgar.” Her chin tilted towards the emptiness ahead, unknowing of what power had done this to the man and if it lied in wait for her too. “I got ya.”

[zephyroh]

i got you (please don’t let go of me)

it’s 4am again and im having feeling about jason scott again

Read on AO3

-----

There was something wrong.

Jason couldn’t put his finger on what, but there was something not right. He felt uneasy. Like his body was trying to tell him something. He was lying in his bed – his window always opened ever since the night at the mine in because his friends had taken the habit of coming to his room whenever they wanted, usually when they needed company or comfort.

He remembered the day Pearl was born - he looked at her with wonder in his eyes, holding her tightly in his arms. He heard her laugh, and saw stars in her eyes, and vowed to himself to be the best brother in the world. Just like in the movies. He had wanted to be a superhero for her, before actually becoming one. And now he had added four persons to protect in that oath. He was, in some ways, a big brother to his team – “more like the mom friend”, had said Zack laughing one day.

He usually felt them coming, before seeing them. In was an unshakable feeling in his body, in his bone, and when they were feeling bad, it was like something was out of place. Like something in the universe had shifted, was out of balance, and he couldn’t rest until he fixed it. Like those night after an argument with his father where Pearl came to his room crying because he didn’t want them to fight, and he couldn’t sleep before reassuring her. Going to sleep knowing his baby sister was unwell was impossible. Just like if one of his teammates was having a hard time.

This night was one of those night.

He felt like crying. He felt like he was suffocating. He wanted to scream at the world, but could only lie immobile, staring at the ceiling. He could only hear the soft sound of the wind gently passing through his curtains. The light of the moon was shielded by clouds, and the only other source of light was coming from his digital alarm clock on his night stand.

4:48, it read.

The silence was almost maddening.

He waited for the familiar sound of Kimberly’s heel hitting the frame of his window. Or a pebble hitting the wall because Zack found it hilarious to throw rocks at his window even though he knew it was open. Or the soft “You up?” that Trini whispered, always afraid to wake him up. Or the sound of metal and cable in Billy’s backpack when he didn’t want to work on a project alone.

But nothing came.

It was a month after they saved Angel Grove – or the world actually – and it was the tenth night he couldn’t sleep, not knowing why.

Some night he just couldn’t get asleep.

Some night he woke up soaking with sweat, bones trembling, dread in his heart, and a scream stuck in his throat.

 -----

“Jas, you need to close your eyes if you want sleep.”

Jason blinked three time, shaking his head. He looked at the coffee machine in front of him, who had already stopped pouring coffee into his mug two minutes ago, before shifting his gaze to the little human being beside him.

Pearl was standing next to him with wide open eyes and such an innocent look on her face he couldn’t help the found smile growing on his lips.

“Why are you saying that, P?” The girl frowned and pouted at the surname while Jason smirked. “I don’t wanna be pee!”, she had cried out, horrified, the first time he called her that – and he never did stop after because her reactions where adorable.

“You wasn’t moving, like when you sleep, but with your eyes open. You have to close them.”, she answered matter-of-factly. He let out an amused laugh as his heart swelled.

“Thank you, I’ll think of that next time.”

He smothered a yawn and rubbed his tired eyes. The day was going to be long, he thought as he brought the coffee mug to his lips.

 -----

He felt like he was functioning in slow motion. Even superhero powers didn’t compensate sleep deprivation. He almost arrived late for his first class after taking too much time to prepare in the morning, and cursed himself for missing his friends before class. They would usually gang up at Billy’s locker before going their own way.

He couldn’t concentrate. The only remaining seat when he arrived was the one by the window in one of the rows at the back of the class – the perfect spot to not listen one word of what the teacher was saying and just daydream. His chin in his hand, he started dozing off, regularly jerking awake when his brain was warning him he was falling asleep.

The guilt of not listening to the class – history, the only one he actually liked – started creeping on him. He just couldn’t wait for the day to be over. He hadn’t had such a horrible day since the Power Rangers thing. Before that, he was used to waking up hating everything, and endure the day until he could come back to bed. But he hadn’t feel this way again, until now. He was not thrilled to remembered was it was like.

After two hours of pure torture, he speeded out of he classroom, eager to join his teammates. He walked into the cafeteria, mentally insulting everyone. They were making so much goddamn noise. He was definitely too tired and not caffeinated enough to deal with that.

He quickly spotted his squad at their usual spot. He felt his mood lighten up was he saw Trini and Zack fighting over their food trails while Kim was smirking and throwing crumbs of bread at them, and Billy was carefully sorting his food by colors, probably occasionally commenting on how it would be physically impossible for Trini to fit an entire bus up Zack’s bottom, and therefore pointless to try or even threaten to.

He sat in front of him, automatically putting his apple on Billy’s trail. It was his favorite fruit, and Jason was always too happy to give up his just to see Billy excitedly clap his hands. Today however, Billy merely looked up to him and thanked him, giving him a small smile, before returning to his food. Jason didn’t miss the dark circle under his eyes, and understood that he wasn’t the only one with sleep problems.

He frowned and his body only tensed more. The feeling of the night before, shaking his bones to the core, was back.

“You alright, farmboy?” Jason slightly rolled his eyes at Trini’s nickname she found for him after he told them the whole story about the cow in the locker. “You do dress up a bit like Clark Kent”, she had argued.

He felt his heart warm up at the sight of four concerned looks directed at him when he lifted his head from his food.

“Didn’t get much sleep last night, but I’ll be fine”, he answered with a tired smile. They nodded in agreement, and Trini gave him an understanding smile, looking at him intensely like she was trying to communicate with him telepathically. “I feel you”, he though she was trying to say. He nodded back, knowing it was her own way of expressing herself. Not with words, but it was just as well.

He felt kind of guilty for worrying them. He was used to be the one worrying about them. He liked that role, he wanted to care of them, and hated feeling this low and miserable.

The sound of the school bell felt like a blow in the stomach. Here we go again, for four more hours. While the others started hurryingly picking up their stuff, Jason was feeling out of it. Like in another dimension, like he was out of tune with the world. There but not quite there. He forced himself to move, trying to keep up with the rest of the student body. He saw Zack waving and blowing kisses at them, heading for the exit, and Jason knew he had decided to skip class today. Kim was teasing Trini, pulling down her beanie on her eyes as the tiny girl was feigning being mad, while they were headed to their Biology class.

Without even thinking about it, he launched himself forward, elbowing a few students as he spotted the back of Billy’s head in the crowd. He caught up to him as Billy was opening his locker. Jason smiled at the sight of the inside of it. Pictures of the five of them together, a flyer of Krispy Kreme, five tiny dinosaurs toy and carefully scotched in the back, a crumbled-up piece of paper reading “we should start a band”.

“Are you alright, Billy? You look as tired as me, and that’s not good news.”

“Jason.”, the boy acknowledges him, looking at him straight in the eyes. Jason wondered if it was the lack of sleep or the amount of caffeine he had ingested, but his heart twitched at this moment. “I’m just having a few nightmares recently. Of Rita… but it’s alright, I’m okay.”

The red ranger suddenly felt powerless at the sight of Billy’s tired – and somewhat resigned – smile. Jason wished so hard he could make all his problems go away, because Billy Cranston should never feel sad about anything in his life, ever. He was too good for this shitty world, and Jason wanted so much to protect him from it.

Billy seemed to notice the former quarterback’s sorrow, because before Jason could register what was happening, Billy was ruffling his hair.

Everything seemed to stop for Jason, even his heart. He only managed to tilt his head to the side with a questioning look on his faces, mouth half open but not trusting his vocal cords to actually be able to function at this moment.

Then Billy smiled his pure, angel-like smile, and everything momentarily felt right in the world.

“I’m cheering you up!”, he explained. “Kim does that to me when I’m feeling low, so I’m doing it to you. Zack usually makes a lot of bad jokes and then explains them to me, but I don’t know as many as him, and you know I’m not really good at jokes anyway. And Trini, she brings me food, but I don’t have any snacks on me. Besides, we just ate so it would be pointless to give you more food right now. Should have I not done that?” Billy suddenly looked worried, like he made a mistake – he was always too self-conscious even around the team, always afraid to be “weird”, as if the squad would ever feel weirded out by him.

Jason immediately snapped out of his dazed state to reassure the boy. “No! No, no absolutely not, I- it was good- well, it’s alright. You did good. It worked”, he stuttered, and it never felt this complicated to get coherent words out of his mouth.

Billy shot him a glowing smile, exuding pride because he managed to lighten up Jason’s mood, and the red ranger felt like he could breathe a little bit better, and the world was a little more colorful than this morning.

 -----

Jason stared at the sharp, red inked letter in front of him. He stared so long it felt like the letter was floating on the blank piece of the page he was holding.

He blinked. And blinked again. And stupidly pinched himself to make sure he wasn’t dreaming, and regretted it immediately afterwards. He tended to forget about his superhero strength from time to time.

The classroom was buzzing around him, student putting their books in their bag, pulling chairs, talking and laughing loudly. But Jason couldn’t move.

He felt a hand on his shoulder, and lifted his head to see his teacher looking at him with a small smile.

“I’m proud of you, Jason. You really did improve. Keep up the good work.”

His eyes dropped again at the paper.

He got an A. At a math test. Him. Jason Scott. Jason Scott, who was only good at football. Jason Scott, whom only shot at having a future was a sport scholarship at a local university. Jason Scott who was constantly failing his class, and felt to depressed to even try to study. Jason freaking Scott.

He had to show it to the team.

They were all pretty good students, even Zack when he bothered to show up, and prepared a study plan for Jason when he told them, ashamed, that he wasn’t even sure he’d graduate. Without question nor his opinion on the matter, they immediately organized study sessions in between training sessions, and before long, Jason learned the pleasure of learning.

Trini helped him mostly in English, but never with the others present. She just showed up one day in his room with the reading assignment of the semester in her hands. And after an hour, Jason learned that Trini loved literature and poetry – she actually wrote some, but threatened to slit his throat if he ever mentioned it to the others, especially Kimberly who would never stop teasing her about it, and Jason still remembered the feeling of fright in his heart in front of her dead serious face. He never heard her talk as much as when she was passionately explaining the meaning of some obscure figure of style the author of the book used, and why he used it. “It’s easier to express fictional people’s feelings than my own.”, she admitted once.

Zack’s subject of predilection was physics, and he liked to dress up as old famous physician as he was moving around, his arms flipping around, talking with animation trying to explain the laws of physics to Jason, occasionally throwing apples at his head screaming “Eureka!”.

For biology it was Kim who was his assigned tutor. She wasn’t much of a pedagogue, but she had a way of vulgarizing complex mechanism about DNA and cells with simple words that made sense to Jason. They actually both hated it, but going through it together made things better and easier.

As for math… It has always been Jason’s worst nightmare. His parents had tried to get him private lesson before giving up, seeing that there was no results. Not matter how hard he tried, how long he could tire his eyes on an exercise, nothing made sense to him.

But then Billy came along. It came so naturally to the boy, he made it look easy. And the blue ranger loved that he could monologue as long as he wanted about math, Jason would never complain. When Billy noticed there was something Jason wasn’t getting, he tried to explain it in another way, and in another if it was still not enough, again and again until Jason understood. Step by step, Jason started to catch up on his lacunas, and God knew there was a long way to go.

Until this day. Because this day, his efforts were rewarded, and he owed it all to his friends.

He jolted out of his seat, suddenly filled with energy. He almost ran up the hallway leading to Billy’s locker, which Zack was already leaning against. He strode swiftly to reach up the boys and planted himself in front of Billy.

“I’m going to hug you now.”, he announced. “Is that okay?”

Billy nodded, a bit surprised and confused, but relaxed as soon as he felt Jason arms around him. Jason knew he was still getting used to physical contact. The red ranger tilted his head to press Billy’s body even harder against him and his nose ended up grazing the boy’s neck for a slipt of a second. As he felt Billy shudder, he released his grasp, fearing that it was too much for Billy. But as they separated, the other boy seemed fine, even happy if not still confused.

Jason realized he was staring a bit too long at Billy’s dark brown eyes when Zack’s voice startled him.

“Hey, man, I want some love too!”, he joked, and Jason hoped he didn’t notice the redness of his cheeks. “Why so sappy?”.

Jason brandished the paper he was still holding in his hand, harboring a proud smile. As Zack took in the information, a similar smile appeared on his lips.

“Yeah, that’s awesome dude! You’re a genius now”. He put his arms around Jason for a quick hug, patting firmly the red ranger’s back.

A confused Billy appeared near Zack, countersigning his neck to look at the paper, and his eyes grew wide with excitement when the saw the “A” at the top of the paper. He started hoping around, clapping his hand and laughing excitedly.

“Something to celebrate?” Kim’s voice came from behind Jason. He spun on his heels, with a wide grin still on his face as her and Trini – the two always looked like they were joined by the hip – raised their eyebrows.

He answered simply,

“Billy turned me into a math genius!”

 -----

Jason sighed heavily. Then let out a groan. Then slammed his fit against his mattress out of frustration.

3:27. The glowing, dimmed light of his alarmed clock seemed to be mocking him.

He felt the impulse to throw it against the wall, then decided against it out of fear of waking up his little sister. But he just wanted to break something.

Exhaling slowly, he tried to relax his fist, then the muscles of his forearms, then his entire body. He concentrated as he remembered Trini’s words when she was teaching him yoga one night, at the top of a cliff near the mine.

“Focus on your breathing and the beating of your heart. The more you think about that, the less you think about everything else.”

After what felt like an eternity, Jason noticed his mind had already started to wander off, and he felt himself giving up. Shooting a glance at the time, a deep sense of despair crushed him as his saw the red numbers.

3:51.

Son. Of. A. Bitch.

He clenched his jaw and pressed his palm against his forehead where drips of sweat were starting to form.

Instinctively, he took his phone, which was resting on the nightstand, in his hand. He paused for a second, staring at the numerous apps on the screen – which was at the lowest setting of luminosity but still hurt his eyes – decided what he wanted to do.

Trying to ignore the feeling carved in his gut, he opened his text messages. Without thinking, he just followed his impulse, and tapped on one of the conversation.

“Hey, you up?”

After five minutes of silence from his phone, he stared at the name of the contact one last time. Billy Boy.

He felt empty as he put down the phone next to him, then turned around in his bed.

 -----

When he woke up, tears were burning his eyes, and he didn’t know if his heart was crushed in his chest or if he wanted to rip it out of his ribcage himself.

It took him three whole minutes for his limbs to stop shaking, and five for the sobbing to cease.

Even though he was sure he knew exactly why he was crying when he woke up, the memories were already starting to fade away. The feeling of frustration was almost too unbearable.

Blue lips. A still body, too still. Rigid. Numbness. Clouns in his mind.

He clenched his eyes shut just and let out a whimper.

Weight in his arms. A loud thump on wood. Rope gliding through metal.

Tears were running down his face again and he hugged his knees tightly against his chest.

Electricity. The rope stopping abruptly. Opened eyes, but a blank, lifeless look.

Jason buried his head in his arms.

Billy was alright. Billy was alive. It was just a nightmare. Billy was fine. Billy was alive.

He repeated those words like a mantra In his head until his body finally calmed down.

The clock was now reading 5:05.

Wiping his tears with the blanket, he mechanically reached out for his phone again. His heart skipped a bit when he pressed the button to light up his screen. Billy Boy.

He fumbled on his phone, trying to unlock it as fast as he could.

“Yes, bad dream again ☹ Why? Everything alright?” Send forty-five minutes after his own text. He cursed himself for having missed it, for not having been there for Billy when he woke up from his own nightmare.

“I just couldn’t sleep…”, he texted back. As he was hesitating to elaborate, to explain that his first instinct was to reach out to Billy, the sight of three jumping dots made his heart race. Before he could do anything – strangely his first impulse was to throw the phone away – another text popped up.

“Seems like you still can’t :p”, immediately followed by the dots again. Jason waited patiently, smiling softly at the emojis Billy loved to use and sometimes, overuse.

“Sorry, I didn’t want to be mean. It sounded mean. I was thinking: “what would Zack say in this situation?” Was it mean?”

“It’s alright, don’t worry 😊  I had a nightmare too, just woke up.”, he replied.

He suddenly felt a little bit better, imagining Billy’s rambling voice in his head. Relaxing, he waited again while Billy was typing… only to nearly choke on his saliva when the words appeared in front of his eyes.

“Maybe next time we should sleep together!”

Jason froze on the spot, forgetting to even breathe and he read the text three times to make sure his eyes were not playing games with him.

“That way we won’t be alone having bad dreams :p”

Air slithered back into his lungs, and Jason refused to acknowledge to himself that he was blushing.

And this moment, the thoughts keeping him from sleeping were all kind of different from the ones before.

 -----

Jason mentally cursed himself when he greeted Billy and a blush crept onto his face ; Billy didn’t make it any easier for the red ranger when he didn’t stop when approaching Jason, and rather wrapped his arms around him. He only had his reflex to thank when he reciprocated the hug on auto-pilot, because his mind was racing, and his body was feeling too much all at once.

“Wh-what that for?”, Jason managed to get out, trying his best not to sound weird – and probably failing.

“I wanted to thank you for yesterday. I actually did sleep much better after we talked, or rather texted. Well, even though it was for a short time because it was early. But I feel better than yesterday.”, Billy exclaimed, smiling happily. “Jason, are you okay? You look weird? Did you not sleep at all after?”.

“Yeah, no, I did actually. I’m-“. He shifted awkwardly on his feet, clearing his throat, avoiding Billy’s eyes as he pushed back the thoughts he had this morning in the back of his mind. “I’m good.”, he added, finally meeting his friend gaze.

Then without thinking, Jason saw his hand raise itself to land on Billy’s head, gently ruffling the boy’s hair. Realizing what he was doing, Jason froze as his eyes widened. He was starting to positively panic when Billy merely tilted his head, confused look on his face, not embarrassed in the least.

“Don’t worry, I’m not sad, Jason. I just told you, I’m really feeling better.”

 -----

“Okay, what’s wrong with you? You’ve been acting off for a couple of days now.”

Jason jumped in his seat as a pile a book loudly landed on the table, right in front of him. Kim promptly dropped herself unceremoniously in the seat next to him, crossing her arms, a serious yet concerned look on her face.

Jason sighed. He knew pretending would be useless with Kimberly. She was too perceptive for that.

“I- I don’t know actually.”, he answered, waving his arms around to illustrate his words. “I’m just either having horrible nightmares or I have insomnias.”

He turned to face her and was surprised to meet a raised, unimpressed eyebrow. She was expecting something else. She blankly started at him as seconds passed by, apparently not intending to speak, nor letting him off the hook.

“… Okay fine, there’s maybe something else.” A satisfied smirk grew on her lips. He cursed her under his breath. “Never become a shrink, you’d be horrible.”

He swallowed his saliva with difficulty, trying to make sense of the turmoil in his mind.

“I’m having weird feelings… about Billy.” As soon as the words left his mouth, he felt like a weight was lifted off his shoulder. Like the blinds were suddenly opening in a dark room and light was coming through. Like a dam had just exploded and water was flowing through. “I keep seeing him dead in my dream, Kim. I just can’t erase the imagine of him just- lying there, on the dock, not breathing. So, when we’re together, I just- It’s like I constantly want to make sure he’s alive, that’s he’s here with us. I’m always catching myself looking him out, like when I walk into a room I automatically look for him. It’s like I don’t want to get him out of my sight. Wow, that’s sounded creepy, didn’t it? But then, there’s sometimes the way he smiles to me, or talks to me, or looks at me, or just is- It’s weird, I don’t know how to describe the feeling…”

The words kept pouring out of his lips like he couldn’t stop them. Kim’s simple, knowing smile made him feel better, and something in her eyes just made him realize. It dawned on him harder than the train hit them that night.

“Is that- Is that how you feel about Trini?”

And the pink ranger simply nods, smiling ever so calmly. She didn’t say a word, and didn’t have to. Jason just had to figure it out by himself, he just needed a push.

He just sat there a while, mouth opened and jaw hanging low – he knew he probably looked like an idiot but there was too much on his mind for him to care. After a while, Kim finally spoke out, putting a gently hand on his arms, squeezing it.

“You almost lost him. Well, you actually did lose him for a while. It’s normal if you’re a mess. It’s okay. Just talk to him about it.

And that was just about the most terrifying thing he’d ever heard.

 -----

Jason couldn’t sleep.

Again.

But this time was different. He was just restless, thinking, pacing around his room, sometimes picking up his phone, staring at it for a second before putting it down. And repeating the process all over again.

He had to jump off the cliff. He had to talk to Billy. But it was easier to agree with Kim than to actually do it.

He sat on his bed with vigor, taking a deep breath, taking the small object into his hand. His heart throbbing in his chest, he looked intensely at the black screen… which lighted up as the phone vibrated.

Billy Boy.

As panic ran through his veins; he let out a shrill scream and impulsively throwed his phone on the pillows across the bed.

Rolling his eyes at his own reaction, he picked up the phone again to answer the text.

“I’m afraid to fall asleep. Can I come over?”

Once again, Jason froze. Then laughed nervously. And started to hyperventilate a bit.

As his fingered were slightly trembling, he typed “Of course, the window is always open!”, trying to figure out if it sounded chill enough.

He was actively trying to calm his heart beating loudly in his chest when Billy came through the window, landing carefully next to Jason’s bed – who couldn’t hold a found smile when he saw Billy’s batman pajamas.

The blue ranger put down his bag before hoping into Jason’s bed, immediately rolling the covers around him. He breathed in deeply before casually saying “Thank you, Jason. Your smell always calms me down. That’s why I take some of your shirts sometimes. But I’ll give them back, I’m not a thief don’t worry. “

Jason wondered if Billy was in fact actively trying to kill him, or if he was just oblivious to the effect he had on the red ranger. He also wondered if the boy could see, despite the darkness, that he was as red as his armor in this very moment.

“Of course, anytime you need”, and his voice sounded a bit off to his ears.

As Billy was making himself comfortable, Jason thought he was never going to get sleep. And at his grand surprise, he actually did start to feel himself slip into slumber when he closed his eyes, feeling the heat emanating from Billy’s body next to him, listening to the boy’s calm breathing, his own body relaxing.

 -----

It was either the hands shaking his shoulder or the voice in his ears that woke up him.

He had that same feeling of panic in his chest than that night.

He was covered in sweat, body shaking and he felt the cold air hitting his damped cheeks. But then…

Warms palm running through his back, his forearms. A soft voice whispering calming words. Then hands on his hair, across his cheeks, and on his back again.

“It’s okay, Jason. It was just a dream. I’m here. I’m right here.”

Jason’s body relaxed all at once, crashing against Billy who reaffirmed his grip to a just at the sudden weight. Jason’s head landed on the boy’s shoulder, his nose grazing lightly Billy’s neck. And at this moment, in this position, he absolutely understood was Billy was saying about comforting smell.

“You kept calling me in your sleep. And then you started to get agitated.”

“You were dead.”, Jason said simply. His tone was grave, heavy with a sob that was about to burst.

‘You were dead.”, he repeated, as tears started to form at the corner of his eyes, shoulders shaking abruptly.

“I just- I don’t know how to deal with that.”

Billy squeezed his arms around Jason, holding him even closer. He took Jason’s wrist, placing it against his torso, against his heart which rhythm was as fast paced as Jason’s.

“But I came back. You brought me back. And I’m here, Jason. I’m here with you, right now.”

He could feel Billy’s breath against his cheeks as the boy was pressing his forehead against Jason’s temple. The thumb of Billy’s hand was gently caressing Jason’s, still placed against the blue ranger’s torso. Jason’s adjusted his position to that his forehead rested against Billy and lifted his chin a bit. His fingers pressed harder against the other boy’s chest, digging into the flesh.

“It was so horrible…”. His voice cracked and Billy answered by squeezing him ever harder.

“Let it out, Jason. It’s okay. I got you.”, he whispered against Jason’s lips.

Jason’s heart exploded at those words, and as their lips met, the universe seemed balanced again.