#im just afraid of losing everything. my family has never been that big and now both of my grandparents are gone

[the-kipsabian]

grieving

[villifix]

I need uncle Merle dealing with a roady teen daughter Dixon 🙏🧍🏾

i was pretty sure anon was asking for a rowdy teen dixon so this is you... kinda being a little shit 🫵🏻🤨

⛧°｡⋆༺♱༻⋆｡°⛧

uncle!merle and teen!reader

⛧°｡⋆༺♱༻⋆｡°⛧

• merle honestly thinks you're hilarious

• man, he could listen to you all day

• he loves that you're not afraid to be yourself even when some of the more tame personalities around you like to give you the side-eye

• you seemed to take after the loud and mischievous parts of your uncle merle, and all of the hotheadedness that daryl used to have

• you know how whenever a fight breaks out, daryl's just like "fuck it we ball"? yeah you take after your dad in that aspect

• when you get into fights, your uncle merle backs you up literally every time, even if you started it

• when you're the one that started it, daryl's trying to reprimand you and merle's just like "that little shit's been askin' for it anyways"

• god it pisses daryl off. he's trying to teach you to be more considerate with your actions so you don't end up in some of the situations he's gotten himself into, and here merle is just acting like you were justified when he doesn't even know the story

• HOWEVER, everything has a limit and when you really start to act reckless or lash out and disrespect daryl, he takes it seriously

• especially if you're disrespecting daryl

• you two would actually get into an argument about it. you don't see what the big deal is, and uncle merle is NOT having it

• you honestly weren't prepared for the way he laid into you

• "you think this is damn funny? you ever seen them scars on your daddy's back? our daddy would have put us six feet in the ground for the shit yer pullin'. he didn't make us dinner, he didn't give us a hug when we were sad, he sure as hell didn't try'n talk to us when we were actin' out. you know what he did? he beat our asses til' we cried and bled. a belt, a switch - shit, he would'a used a whip if he had one. you got a good daddy, girl. he loves the shit outta you. he ain't never raised a hand to you. hell, he ain't hardly even raised his voice at'cha. you better be real grateful for what'chu got and stop actin' like you ain't got no sense. you ain't that damn stupid. now you take your ass in there, give yer daddy a kiss and tell 'im yer sorry 'fore i lose my damn patience."

• talk about being humbled...

• he's definitely not as patient as daryl tries to be with you when your behavior goes too far; he's straight to the point and tells you when you need to cut shit out

• outside of putting yourself in danger or disrespecting your dad though, he really just lets you be yourself. he admires the way you resemble different parts of your family's personalities even if others don't seem them as very admirable. he knows he isn't one to talk about minding manners or playing nice with others and he doesn't care to as long as you're safe and remember to show respect to the people that are looking out for you

[travelling-on-the-octopath]

s hello have any brainworms for roleswap dmvn formed in your mind yet....... bc im gnawing at the bars of my cage thinking about them

ALL RIGHT i've let this collect dust for long enough, I think.

Worldbuilding things!

Dimitri's parents are alive. Rufus is the equivalent of Miklan in this story, and I think he steals Areadbhar during month four of school. TBD.

The tragedy of Duscur doesn't happen, because Matthias' methods are the low-and-slow type rather than Lambert's "let's go have peace talks right now actually."

What DOES happen is the very beginnings of an armistice between Sreng and Faerghus, which is just as much a ploy by the slitherers now as it was in Duscur, and results in the incapacitation of Matthias as well as the death of the Queen and Miklan (and the usual cast and crew that got done in in Duscur, like Glenn).

Dimitri was there, but things play out a little differently. Still has absolutely bonkers levels of survivor's guilt. Why did Glenn have to lose his life instead of him? The queen and prince, too?

Felix's feelings on Dimitri are far more mixed because of it, I think. But that's another discussion (fic?).

Matthias shuts down on all attempts to make peace with other countries. He does put everything he has into trying to restabilize Faerghus, but his mind kinda snapped watching his son and wife die before his eyes. Sylvain straddles the line between hating him and feeling bad for him.

I'm sure I could have reworked this to make sense to include Duscur the way they have been, but brain running on fumes, so we'll take what we get. Feel free to imagine a character with a similar narrative role coming from Sreng instead. Maybe it's the son of the chieftain they . . . captured/took in/who the fuck knows.

Onto the dimivain of it all <3

Every hangup Sylvain has about people thirsting after his Crest and not him is cranked up to eleven, because now the chances of someone wanting the prestige of being his spouse (and by extension, a monarch) are ridiculously high.

Gautier territory is where it is, but the royal family lives in Fhirdiad. Because Blaiddyd territory is so close to where they actually are, the family charged with keeping them safe is pretty obvious. (Their monster of a Crest certainly doesn't hurt.)

Sylvain tries to poke Dimitri's buttons about this. "Doesn't it bother you? That you're stuck with me because of something you didn't choose?"

Dimitri doesn't have a real answer right away. He says something about being honoured, not caring to know another manner of life, same old same old. There's something in it about making your circumstances your own rather than fighting them tooth and nail that's at odds with Sylvain's perpetual "I know what I'm headed for but that doesn't mean I've gotta like it!"

Dimitri tries to tell Sylvain that bedding random women is not a great image for the crown prince. Sylvain loses his brain cells and asks if it'd be a safer rumour to have the crown prince be in love with his retainer.

Dimitri doesn't take him seriously for even a second.

Sylvain has never been more serious in his life.

"Dimitri, come on, you haven't ever said my name! I think you came out of the womb being all 'Your Highness' this, 'Your Highness' that." "I'm not sure what you mean, Your Highness." "You're so full of it! Just once? Please?" "I'm afraid not, Your Highness."

Sparring = flirting? Dimitri loses his composure whenever Sylvain really gets into it and tries to win, but it's a 50-50 chance on whether he actually succeeds.

Sylvain refuses to make the first move, when it's like that. Dimitri's heart's too big, and Sylvain doesn't want to know if he's being placated or pursued.

Unfortunately! Things get blown to bits during the timeskip. Dimitri damn near loses his life trying to prevent Sylvain from being captured by Cornelia's men, but he manages it. Unfortunately, he's still got a hell of a lot of wounds to lick while the Gautiers regroup in Gautier territory. The surrounding lords are skilled enough at diverting search parties before they can stumble upon a humble-looking cabin in the woods that houses Faerghus' most important people.

Sylvain's heart breaks when he sees his best friend, the boy who'd been sworn to him since the first time the sun came up, looking like hell now lived inside him.

"What are you doing? You've done your share, Dimitri. You don't have to do this anymore." You don't have to hurt yourself for me anymore. Please don't hurt for me. If you die for me, I worry that I couldn't even hate you for it.

Dimitri hasn't let go of Areadbhar since he returned. Maybe once, because eating had required it. But he sets it down in that moment and approaches so that there's no more than a handful of inches between them.

"You asked me if I was bothered by having to stay by your side. Do you think I would not have fled, across the sea or over the mountains, if I didn't want to stand where I've stood all these years?"

"But you--" But you didn't have a choice.

Dimitri looks off in the distance. "Does a hound choose to be a carnivore? A flower, to flourish in the sun?"

"Those are bodily functions, Dimitri. Don't think that counts."

"Ah. I haven't made it clear then."

Sylvain loses it a little when Dimitri leans closer.

"I breathe, and I wake, and I think of you, and if there was ever a moment of doubt that you're the cornerstone of my heart, Sylvain, I'm afraid that was an error on my part."

Sylvain wants to say something about how Dimitri could have easily had the entirety of Garreg Mach's student body chasing after him like a pack of wolves after prey, but Dimitri has willingly walked into the trap of his arms, so Sylvain is in no mood to spook him away (read: irritate him in the way Dimitri never admits to being irritated).

They have rings, Blaiddyd-silver and gems coloured Gautier-teal, that are always there under gloves and gauntlets.

People say that King Sylvain never married because he grew tired of the women that cycled through his chambers. Dimitri doesn't particularly like listening to people run their mouths that way, but protecting Sylvain from prying eyes and centuries-old expectation has always been more important than defending his honour.

[diary-of-a-vampire]

I don’t know if I’m the one who wants to change everything about me - just to feel worthy by people I shouldn’t even want approval of. Or if the people around me have been so abusive in the past, that I don’t even have hope they could ever accept the real me. As I get older it’s like I’m losing parts of me, and I might never find them back. Maybe I’m just blaming others again, or making it all worse than it really is.

Because sometimes I wish I could just cut my hair short or actually let is be long and try to come out - at least have a conversation to figure out wheter I’m androgynous or perhaps a boy. To come out of the closet as a lesbian for now, and have noone question me or wonder if it has a certain reason that needs to be solved or just at least support me to come out of my comfort zone.

To accept me for liking piercings, and actually encourage me. To think of things when I say I want my own business, not too much unasked advice or scared ideas even if they mean well.

To leave and never look back and never have to feel like I have to make myself small again - it’s eating me alive. And I’m scared to grow up and regret life later one. I’m also scared to take the wrong turn when I follow my heart.

But why is it? Why is it I crave so much approval from the people who hurt me most?

Do I feel like I still want their love deep down, and will never receive it when I actually choose me? I keep believing I’m happy and have a grateful life and I am grateful and wouldn’t change a thing, with myself, and the way I can’t express myself honestly and truthfully - I am deeply unhappy.

I’m so afraid of rejection and I don’t even know why. I don’t even understand why I’m afraid of rejection of the people that used to abuse me… Is it because there’s still a part of me that wishes for their approval and therefor feels worth of love.

Because if your own family can’t even give you the feeling of acceptance and of true warmth for you being your authentic self and enthusiasm (even if a lot of families lack that, I know) - then, how can I?

How can I truly accept myself, when I haven’t even been able to show all of me due to fear of rejection?

Im so fucking tired and exhausted and afraid of wasting my time and not living - it’s like 2023 passed by and all is one big blur. With myself, I am so deeply unhappy.

There, I said it. When it comes to me, I’m truly unhappy I can’t express myself, I can’t allow myself to go for my own dreams, to let others down. I’m in a cage with an open part, I can fly away whenever I want to, but I keep plucking and biting and hurting my wings - abusing my feathers so I don’t even have a choice and stay, just to try and make my others content. Even if I want to fly away and be free.

I’d rather be a bird without brain so I can’t even feel this agony, but I am. Why am I doing this to myself? I have such a problem of letting my family down, that I’m letting myself down and I don’t even want that anymore.

I just want to choose me, but it’s too complicated honestly. My fear of rejection has reached such a low point right now, that I don’t even know who I am anymore - parts of me are fading and aren’t even happy for the things I used to be happy for.

I wish people would help me express myself; but they don’t. Even if they mean well, it’s like they don’t understand.

Im so tired and I want to cut again. But I won’t, because I promised myself that tattoo by six months clean.

It’s not just a piercing, or just a tattoo, or just a different hair cut, or weird face makeup, or fashion I chose - it’s me. It’s me who I am always hiding, but it’s so exhausting,

Because lately I can’t even express myself anymore, only through art.

And it’s exhausting, I crave such validation from the people I’d rather avoid most of the times.

[jade-parcels]

The genshin men: fatherhood edition

With: Childe, Zhongli, Kaeya, Diluc, Xiao, Venti, Albedo and Baizhu

—————————

Childe:

Ajax loves kids and he’ll make that known early on in your relationship

Like...This man wants five or more kids but he’ll settle for four. He dreams of a big family, getting to surround himself with you and your kids every night for family dinners, everyone getting together for big birthday parties or reunions! That’s his dream life! Plus, in Snezhnaya, most families have more than two kids anyways

He will cry so hard when his babies are placed in his arms for the first time, I mean he’s a mess. Nose is running, eyes puffy, lost of sniffling lmao he is so excited to be a dad!! Don’t you dare tell the other Harbingers how much he cried...What do you mean you took a picture when he wasn’t looking??? Hey??!?!

With his obscene amount of mora, he’ll buy a huge house that will accommodate everyone. Anything you want will be purchased that day or within 48 hours, the same goes for the kids

But they’ll all learn to be thankful for what they have. They’ll learn to fight, fish and speak multiple languages. He has high expectations but let’s face it, he’ll be proud of them no matter what

You’re gonna have to be the one to put your foot down though because Ajax doesn’t enjoy being the ‘mean parent’, he has trouble saying no to the kiddos which can create some tension between you and your husband. He has good intentions of course!! He doesn’t wanna say no to those cute, freckled faces!!

Zhongli:

Zhongli is nervous about having kids because he’s immortal. So this will go one of two ways. 1. You have the baby and the baby ends up not being immortal (or you adopt a baby who is not immortal) Then he loses you both. OR 2. You have the baby and it inherits his immortality and becomes an adeptus. Now he and the baby will have to watch you die while they both life forever.

Either way...It hurts him to think about because he loves you!! He wants to have a family with you!! He wants to give you that perfect family life every human desires!! But he’s torn

You two will just have to figure it out.

Zhongli will be a strong, male figure for your kid(s) and he will instill that traditional kindness and respect into their behavior. ‘Please’ and ‘thank you’ always, always offer to help someone who needs it, do good deeds and you will feel accomplished, be the best you you can be, alway try your hardest because that’s all that matters

He will be sure that your kid(s) always feel loved ALWAYS. Zhongli will tell them stories, cook for them, take them to school, anything that needs to be done. When you’ve had a rough day, he’ll step in to take over for the night without being asked. He shows interest in everything your kid(s) like and he will do his damn best to display every piece of artwork they make or every pretty rock they find

He...will make a great dad :’)

Kaeya:

Ooooh brother, at first Kaeya says no he doesn’t want kids but...Then he starts thinking about it

He observes the happy families that walk around the cobblestone streets of Mondstadt, how the kiddos smile and laugh with their parents. He’ll patrol in the afternoons, usually rounding the corner just in time to see the city’s kids leave school for the day, watching as they all run down the street to go home to their parents or play in the fountain together...Yeah, that really warms his heart

He’d want one or two kids, preferably two to avoid an only child being lonely. He isn’t on the best terms with Diluc but he can admit that they had a great childhood together, playing at the winery and running around as brothers do

Kaeya would be a very patient, understanding father. He doesn’t have much of a temper so he’d use the kids’ mistakes as learning opportunities instead of getting upset at them

He would be obsessed with the kids when they’re babies though oh man if you thought you had baby fever, he has it times ten! He loves holding the baby, watching with a twinkling eye as his baby grasps his thumb with its tiny hand... adorable

And if your kids inherited his eyes, his star shaped pupils that his ancestors passed down to him...He’s gonna get emotional

Everyone at the knights’ headquarters and the Angel’s Share will get sick of him REALLY fast cause he won’t stop bragging about how cute and smart his kids are lmao

Diluc:

Diluc would be such a soft dad don’t even get me started

He loves you so much of course he wants to have kids with you! Is that even a question?? He won’t be the one to bring it up unless he gets the feeling that you want kids but once you ask, he’ll agree so fast

He’ll be grateful to even have one kid with you :’) and he’ll be fine with however many kids YOU want. You want one kid? Perfect! You want four? No problem, the manor is big enough for ten! You...you want ten...? Time to hire some more maids then lmao

Diluc is a worry wart though, he’ll be afraid to hold the baby, feed it, bathe it, he’s terrified of hurting the baby or the baby suddenly hating him. So just help him out!! Cause when he gets comfortable with the baby, he’ll be in full dad mode

He isn’t embarrassed to walk around the manor, conducting business with a baby strapped to his chest!

Diluc is a very kind, gentle dad who will always offer helpful solutions to the kiddos’ problems. He’ll make sure all of their needs are met while also trying to avoid spoiling them... Too much... There will be a fair amount of spoiling...

His own father wasn’t too affectionate with him so that’s why he’ll be affectionate with his kids! Hugs and kisses when he tucks them in at night, big dad hugs when they get home from school, holding their hands in the busy streets of Mondstadt. His father was a great dad! He just aims to be better.

Xiao:

Like Zhongli, he worries about the mortality thing. Since he’s an Adeptus, his kid will certainly be an Adeptus too if you have kids together.

He also worries that his kid(s) will hate him. His duty is to kill demons which means that rain or shine, holidays, special occasions, day or night he’s gotta be ready to go slaughter demonic beings. So he’ll inevitably miss out on important stages in the kiddos’ lives

And admittedly... He’ll be scared of his kids lmao

They’re screaming, crying, barfing, pooping, laughing, screaming again...He can’t predict their behavior. It’s unsettling. All of that goes away one night when you sit him down and place your sleeping baby in his arms. His eyes go wide...And he just watches. This tiny, little baby...Feels no fear for him. It’s comforted by his presence. He almost cries...ALMOST

He’s still pretty much the same Xiao we all know and love but now he has a kid. “Slaying demons is what I do...Hey, go back inside and finish your dinner. Yes, even your vegetables. I don’t care that you don’t like them-...Fine. Don’t tell your mother, bring them to me. I’ll eat them” cute :)

He’s a protective dad and husband, he’d never let anyone or anything harm his beloved family

Venti:

Venti....does not want kids. He thinks they’re cute! He likes the idea of kids but he knows he wouldn’t enjoy actually having kids

You two already have so much fun together!! You don’t need a kid!! You guys have dogs!! Dogs are like kids! But they’re more independent and they’re cuter!

He’ll feel bad if you want kids and he doesn’t, he really will! But it’ll be nearly impossible to convince him cause he’s made his mind up :/

Venti’ll make it up to you somehow though, he’ll take you out more and show you all of the adventures you guys can have if there aren’t kids around

But for the sake of fatherhood headcanons, let’s pretend he gave in. Venti would be a very caring dad. He would cuddle the hell out of this kiddo and sing to them :’) the only problem is that Venti doesn’t like being tethered to one place for too long so he tends to take off and not come back for a few days... :(

Albedo:

Albedo wants kids mostly just to see what fatherhood would be like. He’s always been curious about what that part of his life would be like so why not have a kid

He’d be good with one kid, two at most cause after practically raising Klee, he knows how some kids can be and...He doesn’t have the mental capacity for more than two kids at a time lmao

He tries his best to show more emotion in his face. We all know he usually sits like this 😐 and goes ‘wow im so happy right now’. If you didn’t know him, you’d think he was bored out of his mind right? So he’s gotta work on that. And when he musters up a smile for the baby and it smiles back at him????? Yeah...He’s gonna try to smile a lot more now

He definitely softens up once he becomes a dad, he shows emotion more than he used to and surprisingly, he takes time off of work. Shocker, I know! He decides that he’s been in the lab long enough and that he wants to be able to be there for these moments with you and his kid(s) :’) :’) He trusts Sucrose and Timaeus to take over for him for a couple hours

He keeps a journal for each kid and writes down the date and time they have their firsts or just interesting things they do ->

- 8/4: Baby sees and plays with a cat for the first time

- 9/5: Baby smacked me in the face and laughed so hard she threw up

-9/12: Baby learns that pulling my hair gets my attention. She now continues to do so

-10/15: Baby stays at Aunt Klee’s house for the first time

Baizhu:

Baizhu really loves kids, he works with them a lot and he considers Qiqi to be his daughter anyway but in terms of you guys having a kid together, with his condition he can probably only handle one kid running around

He will do his absolute best to be a good dad. Even if he feels like death, he’ll help change diapers, feed the baby, care for it when you need a break. He isn’t contagious so when you’re sleeping and he feels gross, he’ll sit back against the pillows with the baby on his chest, the three of you resting together (though he doesn’t fall asleep...that would be dangerous for the baby)

Baizhu already tends to nag at you about your health and lifestyle choices but now?? He’ll be a menace. He’ll be constantly evaluating your baby’s condition, checking to see if a certain food is giving them a rash or making sure their skin isn’t drying out. He’s hyper aware of your baby’s health and will be the one to treat them if they get sick

He’s a busy guy since he runs the pharmacy but he will always do his best to be present for your baby’s big milestones! And when your kid cries cause Baizhu’s medicine tastes like shit, he’ll do his best to not be disappointed in their reaction lmao

When you leave him alone with the baby, he’ll wrap a scarf around himself to tie the baby to his chest while he works and...he looks so cute :) dad baizhu <3 <3 <3 <3

Bonus points for him buying the baby toy medical equipment so he can get your kiddo interested in medicine :)

[gb-patch]

Ask Answers: August 8th

Well, doing big posts all together worked for a while but lately I’ve been putting it off because it takes a long time to get them done. I think I’m gonna try switching back to answering asks whenever I can fit it in and posting them one at a time instead of waiting until I’ve filled out one of these major collections.

But for now, here’s more ask answers! Thank you for the questions and for all the kind words along with them ^^.

Hello!! I'm here to ask if its possible to get  the game and its dlcs on steam and play it on android?

I’m afraid not. Steam doesn’t have Android builds on their own site and Steam is not cool with keys for other sites being given out for Steam purchases, so you don’t get the Itch version from buying on Steam.

Hello! Sorry to bother you but, I had a question, if we buy the Game on itchio do we get steam keys or would we need to purchase it twice? 

You would have to buy it twice if you want it in both places, I’m sorry. To repeat myself a little, Steam doesn’t like the key trading thing. Itch may support giving keys for another site, but the reverse isn’t doable with Steam and Steam doesn’t even really want you to get a Steam key for buying somewhere else either. So we just don’t mess around with that.

hey, sorry if this is frequently asked, but is step 4 free dlc or paid for? some of your sources are contradicting each other. 

It’s free! There’s a paid wedding DLC, but Step 4 itself is entirely unpaid.

Hello! I just had a quick question, for the Baxter and Derek DLC's will we be able to confess our feelings to them or let them confess to MC? or will it only be one way? (they confess to MC)

Both type of options will be available!

Hey there! I wanted to ask whether or not the Derek DLC is still on track to be released in August since on the steam discussion board it says it will be released mid 2021. I totally understand if it isn't, I'm just really looking forward to it! If you answer then ty! And keep up the amazing work :D 

It’s not, aha. Unfortunately, 2021 wasn’t easier than 2020 as we hoped so things are still slower than planned. It’ll come out late 2021 or early 2022.

Hi! Firstly I just want to say that I LOVE Our Life. I have played a bit of similar games but this one instantly wins for the best one! Everything about it is amazing! I just wanted to ask if Derek would ever lose feelings for MC, like if they make the deal and then MC gets with Cove would he move on? and even if you don't, after "losing contact" would his feeling fade or would he still like MC? 

If you don’t really keep in touch with him and clearly move on with your life, Derek will too and he’ll be over it. But if you are still close as best as you can be, he’ll still think the MC is special. Though, he’ll always support your relationship with someone else if that’s what’ll make you happy.

Hello! Sorry if you've answered this before but: 'How's Lee related to us? Though which momma? And does she share our player-chosen last names? Also, do you know if Noelani took Pam's last name or did it happen the other way round? 

She’s related to Pamela and Pamela’s last name is the one they use, so the MC has the same last name as Lee.

Will we be able to choose which (they or he) we tend to call Qiu by more often, or will it randomly change depending on the moment? 

Qiu knows which pronoun they’re comfortable with at a time and you’ll call them what they’re happy with. And it doesn’t change between lines, it takes multiple scenes or even full Steps for it to switch. So for extended periods Qiu will be totally a guy or fully agender.

Will Step 4 of OL2 have moments?

It’ll be an epilogue like it is in OL1, so it won’t have a bunch of different Moments.

Hello! Just a quick question, is Sunset bird from OL1 based on a real location? If so what's it called? I wanna visit it +_+

ps i love your games so much <3

It isn’t based on one specific town you can go to, but there are a lot of little coastal towns in Cali that have a similar vibe!

Heyaaa ( I hope you're all well ), umm… it might seem kinda stupid to ask but did Patreon members can have a key for the dlc's ( all the steps-released dlc ) even if they became a member this month or later ? (me? saying this cuz it's my case? maybe ;-;), and once again thanks for absolutely all the amazing works on all the games ! u-u 

You wouldn’t get the DLCs for backing there. The Patreon is for extra bonus content/early access, rather than being a storefront to purchase the normal DLCs. Rarely we give them out as a side gift, but it hardly happens and if what you want is the DLCs it’s best to ignore the Patreon and  buy keys for those directly from Itch or Steam. I’m sorry for the confusion.

Hey y'all, love what youre doing w/Terry. Trans rep outside of player customization is so rare and important to see more of so thank you so much. I do have a question and its that does he have a canon sexuality? I know Miranda was said to be straight ace but I dont believe anything was stated for Terry probably because he wasnt revealed to be a guy which changes things. Im also curious if well get answers on how long hes liked Miranda since he may have liked her in step 3 before she liked him 

Terry likes women and Randy likes men! And he did like Miranda back in Step 3.

Will the Wedding Dlc release at the same time as Step 4? 

They’ll come out separately with Step 4 releasing first.

I really love Our Life so much! I've spent over 20hours playing it even though I only got it a week ago! I was wondering if I could make a fangame for Our Life with a different love interest but same plot. Next-door neighbors romance, multiple steps, etc? I'll probably make it on Google Slides though- 

Sure! I hope you have fun with it and I’m glad you love the game.

How does Cove feel about poly relationships? 

He’s got nothing against them for the people they work for, but he’s 100% monogamous and would only be comfortable with a partner who was willing to be monogamous with him.

Idk if this has been answered before but will Step 4 include the option to advance your feelings towards Cove? 

Yep, you’ll be able to determine your feelings and what your relationship is.

In step 4 will there be a chosen to say we live with Cove even as just friends? 

Yeah, you can choose to live with Cove and that can be done when you’re friends.

I just played the game with the MC and Cove being best friends and omg it’s still so damn cute like the wholesomeness of it all is too much for my heart I swear ^.^  Now with that all said I was wondering can we still marry Cove? if we only love him as a friend like let’s say we’ve made deal with him similar to the one we can make with Derek because let’s real no one could compete with what the MC and Cove have even if they aren’t in love. 

It’s great to hear you enjoyed the friendship story! You can live with Cove, but you can’t marry him platonically. Cove has familial affection for the MC if they’re best-est friends. He wouldn’t think to marry someone he loves like family and even grew up with as though they truly were siblings.

Are you still going to be making a DLC for XOBD? :] 

Yes! We’re slowing adding voiced lines and fixing errors.

It makes me laugh that Shiloh's last name is Fields because that's what I put as my last name! So in Our Life when he talked about "Ms. Fields" picking him up I was extremely confused, lol. That dude mimics personalities so much that he stole my surname!

Oh, wow, that’s a very funny coincidence, haha.

hi !! i cant seem to be able to get the scene where mc is able to propose to cove despite being at the 'love' stage and telling him i'd want to get married, are there any other details that im missing out on? the options just dont appear at the end... 

Maybe you missed telling Cove you were in love with him even if you mentioned wanting to get married or you might’ve accidentally said earlier in the game that you don’t want to progress your relationship further with Cove. We haven’t removed them, so you can get the scene again. It’s just kind of easy to miss since there’s multiple requirements. You can read a little guide in the FAQ.

wait what di you need to do to be able to propose to cove? I've been trying but haven't had much luck 

You can check out the FAQ linked above!

does cove only develop a crush on the mc if the mc is also at crush/in love with him? 

Technically, yes. We treat the non-romantic relationship options as truly non-romantic since we don’t want to bait and switch people. But there’s nothing wrong with headcanoning that Cove does have feelings developing for the MC even before the MC has.

Is there a way to make/allow Lee and Baxter to date?

No, they just don’t have enough time together.

We also got a group of asks related to Tamarack in OL2, but I’m afraid the way they talked about people with larger bodies made me not want to post their words, even if the person didn’t say they’re trying to be hurtful. I will separate out the core question and answer it though, so people can know that info.

Does Tamarack lose weight in later Steps?

No, she doesn’t. As for the other questions included, to be honest, I don’t have to explain/defend having romance options of different sizes. I’m sorry if you’re dealing with unhappiness that’s connected to body image, if that’s where the negative emotions are coming from, but even so I can’t meet you on that level and pretend it’s a problem that needs an answer. A girl who simply isn’t thin being a main love interest is just not an unreasonable concept. Also, Tamarack isn’t a lesbian. Yes, she can date a female MC, but that doesn’t undo her actual sexuality, so I’m not sure where that one part at the end was coming from.

I wonder... can we "fight" with Qiu over leader status? 👀

Not really, haha. No matter how cool your MC is, they’re never gonna replace Qiu for the other kids around. So you can either partner up with him, follow him too, or not be a part of all that group politics stuff.

So when I play the game, sometimes I mentally call Cove “Covie/Covey” and that made me wonder, how does Cove feel about being nicknamed? Not like Romeo/Space Cadet/etc. but like pet names relating to his actual name

It’d depend on his age, personality, and your relationship with him! When he’s younger he’d probably be embarrassed, when he was grown he’d probably be more casual or happy about it.

will you be able to date baxter in step 3 while at crush with cove (but not dating him ofc) sorry if this has been asked already. i really love baxters step 4 design btw!! 

Yeah, you can be crushing on Cove and date Baxter if you weren’t already dating Cove. You just can’t be truly in love with Cove and then switch to Baxter.

I just got my friend into our life, and they adore shiloh and derek sooo will there be more of them in the second game? 

I’m afraid not. But you can see plenty more of Shiloh in XOXO Droplets/XOXO Blood Droplets, haha.

I see you haven't gotten any xoxo droplets asks recently but I'm still obsessed with these boys!! I was just wondering if Nate would curse under any circumstance? 

Yeah, Nate does use certain swear words (damn, hell, bastard) on very rare occasions.

Hi there! I have a question about the wedding dlc. Will we be able to plan a honeymoon during the planning stages of it or would it be something that Cove and the mc would rather plan later on? Thank you! Absolutly love the game by the way, definitely one of my favorite games! 

The focus will be on the wedding day itself. The topic of the honeymoon might come up a bit, but there won’t be any choosing of the exact location and such.

Hi! I have two questions and it's completely understandable if you only answer one/neither and I'm sorry if you've already answered either before! First, is there a set year in which OL:B&A takes place (ex: Step 1 being set in 2010 & Step 2 being set in 2016, etc.) or is it simply up to interpretation? Second, have you guys thought about doing a coming-of-age game where the MC has a tough home life or upbringing? (like one of their parents is an addict, a parent being transphobic whilst the player has the option to be trans, or having friends that are influencing them to do drugs, etc.) That's all! Thanks for making beautiful games. <3 

There is a set timeline!

Step 1: 2006 Step 2: 2011 Step 3: 2016 Step 4: 2021 

And we don’t currently plan on making a game like that. The Our Life series exists to be a safer environment for people to play around in and if we did do a brand new series that was harsher edged it’d be something more fantastical and/or plot-driven instead of a different type of modern day slice-of-life growing up story. I’m sorry.

i don’t know if you’ve already answered this, but do you have a guess on when phase 4 will come out? as well as ol2? i’m so excited for both of them, the inclusivity in this game is amazing, you guys should be really proud of it! 

Step 4 will be coming out very soon! OL2 is gonna take until 2023 to be anywhere near completion. But we might episodically release the Steps one at a time as they get done instead of waiting for three to be finished before launch like we did with the first game.

Hello, I was curious if there was an official or unofficial discord server for the game? 

We do have a discord! You can join by clicking this link HERE.

how long do you plan to keep ol's patreon running? 

Hopefully for at least a few more years.

Are you considering ever making merch? 

Yeah, but I don’t know when it’ll happen or what exactly we’ll make, aha. It’s something we want do, just nothing is set.

hi! i just found out about your game a couple of days ago on tiktok (so sorry if you’ve already answered this question) and i was wondering if y’all are ever planning to release it on iOS? 

I have no idea. It’s hard for a small group to get Apple approval and I honestly can’t say if it’ll ever happen or not. Maybe someday, though!

Hi, I love the art style of Our life and I would like to know if the artist has a Twitter? Also, could it be possible to fund more CGs for the game from him/her? So many times, I wish there was one like when the cutscene of the sunshower. 

That’s nice of you to offer. He doesn’t have a Twitter, at least not one that’s public enough to be shared with me. And I’m afraid not. The issue is that the CGs take huge amounts of time rather than there not being a budget for it. He’s gotta make CGs for Step 4, the DLCs, and new character sprites, too. There isn’t space in the schedule for even more. Sorry for that.

Hi, how are you?!

Are you planning on accepting new writers or is it always the same people who write your stories??

Thanks!!

Our Life: Beginnings & Always won’t be getting new writers, but we will be hiring a new team of writers for Our Life: Now & Forever eventually!

perhaps this counts as nsfw and I'm sure it has been answered before but what does Cove prefer, chests/boobs or butts? or perhaps both :3c thank you for this wonderful game (and the patreon bonus moment, it was worth all the waiting and more ♥) 

He’s a “chests of all shapes and sizes” kind of guy, haha.

i was wondering- did any of the writers actually grow up by the beach? as someone who's lived in a beach town all their life it really did feel nostalgic to play through our life 1 

I was born and raised in Cali! Though, not right by the beach. We still had to make trips out, but the setting is based on my own childhood memories of small beach towns we went through.

In Derek’s upcoming DLC, will we be able to reference the pact we made as teens? (love olba and xod/xobd so much btw you’re literally amazing) 

Yep, you will be able to talk about that!

Oh, sorry about the Cole being secretly L ask, then!

If you wanted context: Death Note is about this one guy who finds a notebook that kills anyone who you write the name of in there. The guy eventually develops a God Complex and starts mass killing criminals and stuff. L is the one trying to find out who is killing all these people.

Me and my sister first joked about it because I couldn't remember how to translate a word about the way Cove was sitting, so I just did the pose, and it looked a lot like how L himself sits! Then we just snowballed from there, with more and more nonsense connections.

That’s okay! Thanks for explaining. I’m sorry I didn’t know what you meant.

[moonlit-imagines]

Headcanons for being Bucky Barnes’ adoptive child

Bucky Barnes x child!reader

warnings: knife

a/n:

prompt: @multifandomlover121: “i adored your natasha romanoff’s child headcanons! could you do one with bucky barnes and him adopting a child? thank you!!”

bucky saw someone in need and wanted to help them

that someone was you

he would have wanted someone to do the same for him

“are you okay, kid?”

“i’m fine...”

“are you sure?”

“...no”

you kinda started crying and ran off

but that wasnt the last time he had seen you

the more he’d run into you, the more he’d check on you, offer you food/water/shelter

“i really don’t mind, it’s the least i could do”

“are you sure?”

“i am”

you began to trust bucky more as time went on, he really was helpinh you out of the kindness of his heart

and buck became more protective of you, of course

soon enough he saw you as his child and you saw him as your father, neither of you had had a bond like that before

“i’m going to the market, do you want anything?”

“uh, peaches?”

“got it, be back in a while, don’t answer the door for anyone”

“got it, pa”

that was the first time you called him “pa” and he shut the door behind him and stood there in SHOCK he was so ???!!!!

you asked him about his life, and at first he didn’t want to tell you much

“pleaseee? it all seems so interesting”

“well, i don’t remember it much. and everything i do remember isn’t very great”

“is that why you’re lying low?”

“yeah...that’s one of them”

“can you tell my how you got your metal arm?”

you tried not to pry but you were disappointed that he wouldn’t open up to you

he knew just about everything about the short past you had, all the highs and lows of your messy childhood before he met you

bucky lived in a one bedroom apartment, so he gave you the bedroom and slept on the couch

honestly you guys led your lives mainly inside the apartment just to stay safe

and filling the day was a bit difficult, but you managed

“can i watch tv?”

“after the news”

“you said that twenty minutes ago”

“well, it’s not over yet. just watch it with me”

“can i pleaaaase watch tv?”

that “pleaaaase” always makes him cave

you two also baked together! it calms his nerves

especially when he can smell cookies/brownies/cake/etc baking in the oven, it’s his favorite

“are you sure we’re making these right, y/n?”

“no, i am not.”

helping him clean his arm sometimes

he couldn’t get in the crevices

one day you were watching tv and it said that bucky was wanted for a bombing, which couldnt be true because that was in vienna and you were far from there

“so that’s what you didn’t want to tell me? you’re a...”

“a terrorist? an assassin? an 100 year old man? i...i wish i wasn’t, but i had no choice. i can’t remember everything that happened to me, but i don’t want to. this new life is good for me and you. and i promise i would never do anything to hurt you”

“i know, pa, i trust you more than anyone else on earth. but...what does this mean for us now? the whole world is looking for you”

“nothing, they wont find us here. i’m going to the market for plums, though. keep the door and windows locked”

“yes sir”

“love you, kid”

“love you, pa”

and the next thing you know the door has been opened and you do not know what to do so you hide because that’s the plan you and bucky came up with just in case and next thing you know there’s sounds of fighting, things breaking, yelling

it’s time to come out

“pa? pa, where are you?”

“y/n, get down!”

“bucky, who is that?” -cap

“my kid”

steve immediately: ????¿???

ur WHAT

anywhooo you ended up running with them and not able to keep up bc they were kinda enhanced 100 year old men and you were baby

so the falcon, the REAL DEAL MAN RIGHT THERE had to give you a helping hand

“you doing alright, kid?”

“to be honest, i’ve never flown before”

✨getting arrested with pa and the crew✨

you sat next to steve rogers

“so, you’re bucky’s...child?”

“he took me in a while ago, we were both in a dark place”

“has he told you about his past?”

“i ask but he cant remember most of it, and what he does remember, he’s too ashamed to say. he just recently told me he used to be an assassin...and he’s and eldery man”

“hey, whatever happens to buck—your dad, i just want to let you know that i’ll be here for you, okay? he was my best friend growing up, i owe it to him”

it’s a feat to be a minor caught by the CIA but look at you go

you had to explain how you and bucky became family, which they were not buying even though every word was true

releasing you to steve bc he had some pull

oh yeah bucky kinda sorta went feral and you insisted you’d be able to calm him down but it doesn’t exactly work that way

“pa! i’m right here, it’s me! please, stop it!”

“y/n, you need to get out of here, it’s not safe!”

“i can’t leave him like this!”

escaping the CIA and waiting for your dad to wake up, this is where he regained his full memory

once he was free of the debris, he gave you a big hug and apologized with tears in his eyes (why the fuck am i rhyming)

“i’m sorry if i scared you, dragă”

“i couldn’t ever be scared of you”

steve was so happy that bucky was happy dhshshshhshs

being pushed in the backseat with pa

sharing your granola bar

since bucky remembered some good thinsg about his past, he thought it may be time to share!

“yeah, so me and steve were best friends, right? steve always picked fights with every bully he met, despite being less than half the weight he is now. i always had to swoop in and save the day”

“i can’t believe you were born in 1917. my father is a world war two veteran”

“how impressive” -sam, also a war vet

honestly they didn’t expect THAT much resistance at the airport but everyone knew you were off limits

excellent spiderman who webbed your hand to a car

luckily, your dad had taught you a thing or two and you got to hacking through these webs with your pocket knife

it took forever

but you finally escaped with your dad and who you’d soon call ‘uncle steve’

black widow nearly stopped you, you were very afraid :)

bucky made u stay in the jet “for your own safety”

“we don’t know what to expect in there, y/n. the last thing i want for you is to get hurt. i should have never dragged you into this”

steve casually talking to bucky about you being unofficially adopted by him

“so, you’re a dad?”

“that i am”

“what’s it like?”

“it’s like...finding a reason to get up every day. and a decent amount of compromise”

“sounds exciting”

“you have no idea”

finally being retrieved from the jet to see your dad with one arm

trippin out

but he told you it was alright

t’challa, new king of wakanda who was trying to end bucky’s life just a few hours ago had apologized and offered you sanctuary in his country

he SPECIFICALLY apologized to you, saying that it was unfair to you by trying to hurt your father because the pain of losing one is unbearable in his eyes

getting some much needed peace (not really bc you wanted to train with wakandan warriors)

and it paid off since you all had to fight off a hoard of aliens

“you think you can handle this, y/n?”

“oh yeah”

you definitely could not handle your dad turning to dust :)

:))))))

“y/n? steve?”

no nope no

steve had to take care of you on bucky’s five year hiatus from life (oh my god im sorry)

not a day went by that you didn’t think of him

it kinda sucked bc you didn’t have any pictures together or anything, only pictures from the 1940’s that steve pulled out every once in a while

“doing okay, y/n?”

“not really”

“do you want to come and watch a movie with me or something? im still not completely caught up on everything i missed”

after five years, there was a breakthrough and it was finally time to get your dad back

but he probably wouldn’t recognize you...you’ll find out soon enough

taglist: @alwaysananglophile // @rorybutnotgilmore // @locke-writes // @sweetheartliz07 // @queen-destenie // @natasha-danvers // @lokihiddles // @frostedgiant // @emygirl // @lotsoffandomrecs // @johnmurphyisbisexual // @teenwaywardasgardian // @pappydaddy // @captainshazamerica // @freya-xo // @ravenmoore14 // @purpleskiesstorm // @ofthedewthesunlight //

[creacherkeeper]

im getting a little too in my family feels today and so INSTEAD of feeling those im just going to ramble for a second about why i fucking love paladin!aelwyn because. im. just like this i guess im coping leave me alone

cw for discussions of child abuse, maladaptive coping, drugs and alcohol, self harm, destructive tendencies, basically everything we see in canon and the implications

aelwyn is ... SO interesting to me because for as much of her interiority as we see, as much of her as we think we understand, as much as i could ramble about her character for hours, we know ALMOST NOTHING about her in actuality?? (besides ... one key thing)

(this is like 2k and probably incoherent someone please stop me)

okay. listen. almost everything we see aelwyn do in s1 is maladaptive rebellion against her parents and home life. the drinking, the drugs, the partying, perhaps some of kalvaxus (though i dont think we fully understand how much of that was forced on her as well, kalina WAS watching her when she was talking to adaine about it). you can say like, oh aelwyn is a party animal, she's impulsive, she makes risky decisions, she's bitchy and rude, and its like. okay but IS SHE ACTUALLY. because under her parents thumb she had an EXTREMELY limited amount of freedom, and usually when people are suffering from very little control over their life, they WILL act destructively over the tiny bit they can, either harming themselves or their environment or people lower than them in the pecking order, because in a way, that feels like a reclamation of autonomy. saying "you have so much power over me but can you stop me from hurting myself and destroying what you havent managed to claim yet?". its just like, kind of what human brains do and frequently has little to do with a persons actual personality or impulses, its just. desperate brains trying to control SOMETHING because autonomy is a fundamental human need and when thats taken away we get. very bad off. (this is one big reason eating disorders are SO common with abused kids.) so i think a lot of the s1 aelwyn we see is like. this is a very desperate, abused teenager "acting out" in the only way it is possibly somewhat safe for her to do so because, on a psychological level, the self destruction is weirdly the only emotional tether and its either this or just dissociate all the time (something we do see she has problems with in canon)

and yes, she did treat adaine horribly in s1. she fully did. obviously what we get in canon is what happens but a moment thats interesting to me is in episode 1 where adaine has attacked aelwyn several times, who either does nothing or just bounces it back, when she says "i never cast spells at you" and siobhan immediately retcons it and says "yes you do, all the time" (i havent gone back and watched this bit so i might be wording this wrong). obviously its an improv show and the canon is built between performers as they go, but that was interesting to me. that brennan hadnt intended for her to have fought back in that way. she definitely feeds into the emotional abuse from their parents and participates in all the toxicity there, but we know in canon that she did that because of overwhelming fear and self preservation. and that her self hatred because of it just fed back into the cycle and made her feel like she wasnt good enough to even try to break free from it. this is very common in golden child/scapegoat sibling relationships where the golden child SEES what the parents are capable of and becomes a participant in the abuse out of fear for their own standing. in any way siding with the scapegoat child not only directs abuse at themselves as well, but frequently makes things WORSE for the scapegoat because the parents will take out the challenge to their power on them even more. so, if aelwyn DID ever try to defend or help adaine when they were small, she would have VERY QUICKLY learned that made things worse for everyone. and just. sectioned that part of her brain off, as she's done with so many other things. (and i dont think im reading too much into the forest scene with the abernants to say their parents were VERY QUICK to turn abuse towards aelwyn if she stepped out of line even a little. like, you dont flinch when a hand moves unless. you know. dont need to say it just something to think about. as far as we saw in canon, she had done everything they asked of her leading up to the forest, and we DONT KNOW what happened in it but we do know brennan specifically called out how in broken spirits she was when adaine was summoned, even though they did the ritual to avoid all of the nightmare bullshit)

(the house party is literally a whole separate post but i think its fair to point out that 1) she was super under the influence when that was happening which DEFINITELY is in no way an excuse for her behavior but worth remembering when trying to analyze that 2) her losing that fight did canonically have DRASTIC consequences for her and even if she didnt know exactly how that was going to turn out, i think she knew how bad it might be. and she did not know adaine or any of the bad kids were going to be there in the first place)

all that said, it feels in some ways counterproductive to say that aelwyn is an extremely devoted and protective person (yes we're getting to the paladin shit i know i've been rambling a while) but i think that thats strangely ALL WE ACTUALLY KNOW ABOUT HER. because we've established that her self-destructive and abusive behavior in s1 is almost entirely psychologically scripted for her by her parents, we dont know how much of her villain shit in s1 was LITERALLY UNDER THREAT OF DEATH because we know at least killing the oracle was and we dont know how much of the rest of it was mandated by either her parents or kalina other than that she probably was under orders not to tell adaine the truth, and we know participating in all of this caused extreme self loathing in her that she refused to show to anybody and was too terrified to act on in any way

so, like. what does that actually leave us?

here's what we do know about aelwyn:

- of all the schools of magic, she went into abjuration

- the entire bbeg plan from season 1 hinged on aelwyn's complete faith that her level 1 sister was the most prodigious diviner in the world

- right after (?) the house party, she locked her memories where only adaine could find it with a note basically saying "theres so much bad blood between us but i know only you could find this"

- she desperately wanted to protect adaine and the fact that she was too afraid to do so made her hate herself (and her knowing that adaine now knows this is the turning point in their relationship)

- despite everything, even in the nmk forest, she still loved her parents

- the SECOND she is shown genuine love and affection and care from adaine, and adaine says whatever you do, i am here with you, all her actions from there forward are just about protecting adaine from their father, very nearly at the cost of her own life

- with what she probably thought were her last words (and would have been if adaine hadnt given her the tincture), all she wanted to communicate was how to help adaine and the bad kids, and how despite everything she had always believed in her

- at five levels of exhaustion, unconscious, she used her first spell slot after nine months of torture to build a shield around adaine

NOW we get to paladin!aelwyn. because, once everything is stripped away, the abuse and the control and the maladaption and the threats and the torture, EVERYTHING we ACTUALLY can glean about aelwyn's personality and inner core is that she's protective and devoted. and of course classes arent locked by personality, but that just screams paladin to me. its her WHOLE THING. adaine even says "wizards dont have heals, we dont care about other people" and of COURSE that isnt true for either of them, but? mechanically? aelwyn chose the wizard school that DID let her protect, and DID let her help, but i dont think, at this point, going forward, thats really going to be enough for her (and we could also talk about the parallels between them, how often adaine uses her portents to help other people)

i think a lot of the different reads on aelwyn come from this fundamental disconnect between her actions and displayed personality vs who she actually is and what she actually wants. and i think there are very different interpretations of what thats going to look like for her going forward. but i think, for a girl who's most hated characteristic about herself was her self preservation at the detriment of others, her perceived selfishness, and her fear ... isn't choosing to be braver and more selfless and more protective and shedding that self-preserving instinct for the betterment of others ... and MECHANICALLY being able to act on all those things ... the logical next step? i think its going to be a LONG TIME before aelwyn can love herself, but what other way is there to try? if adaine loves her, and adaine believes she can be better, isnt being better because she trusts adaine kind of a form of self love? saying, i dont believe in myself, but i believe in the person who believes in me, and maybe, in a roundabout way, thats the same thing. she was never able to TRY to be better before, because trying to improve even a little, even when people arent watching, when a harmful force has so much power over you and your actions ... like, the mental dissonance is honestly TOO much to even try, thats WAY more terrifying than letting yourself be bad, to the point where thats psychologically impossible for a lot of people. but now she actually has space and freedom and CHOICE and she CAN embrace the instincts she always had to shove down, she CAN be the person she knows her sister needed her to be

i dont know, i think theres an inherent love letter to yourself in wanting to be better and wanting to improve, even if you justify it by saying its for someone else. and now aelwyn actually CAN improve, and thats probably going to be extremely awkward and scary and there will be set backs and backslides for sure. but. i dont know. i think she wants to make up for lost time. because she never wanted the time to be lost in the first place. and if a protector is who she always wanted to be, whats stopping her from being that now?

[carinyms]

I've scrolled through a lot of discourse on episode 4 of Loki and I need to talk about it

(good lord its a whole essay im sorry)

I gave myself a headache from crying while watching this. (I joined the Loki fandom post-IW so I’ve never had to see him die before while emotionally invested and boy!!! Is it doing things to my fragile psyche!!). But now I’m rehydrated and more stable and ready to party so let’s go

Right off the bat, I loved this episode — loved it loved it loved it. Silly, manic in-shock Loki is gone and shit is getting real. My thought while watching this was truly “wow this is my favorite episode so far” and damn am I in a minority with this opinion lol.

So here’s my perspective on some of the discourse flying around, and just general thoughts

On the whole ‘Narcissist’ thing:

IMO, Mobius saying this means nothing: he’s mad and he’s spouted lies at Loki to push his buttons before (see: every interaction they’ve had since episode 1).

Loki saying this to Sif-- well, Loki is and always has been an unreliable narrator on himself. The major theme of this show is that he doesn’t really know who he is, deep down, and he’s trying to figure it out. The TVA is taking advantage of this, and even though he’s trying to stay above it all throughout the series, he's still in a really impressionable spot and absorbing what others tell him about himself. (not to mention this scene is literal torture and he’s already proven that he’ll say whatever he needs to to get out of it.)

But he does admit one true thing when he says “It’s because I’m scared of being alone.” (And like wow okay same don’t mind my tears) but here’s a big brain idea!

Sif pulls him up and says ‘You are alone, and you always will be’, which is like, WOW that’s cruel after what he said, but it makes me ask wonder: Sif is sentient in this scene, but obviously it’s not really her. Who’s controlling her? And why is it so important for them to make sure Loki thinks he’s alone? I’d go as far as to wager that Sif never even said this to Loki, the big bad made this up. (he admits he forgot about this ever happening, I doubt he’d remember what she said.)

I think the nexus event on Lamentis that caused the branch was two Loki’s joining sides. Or, Loki no longer being alone. Loki insists while talking to Mobius that “she’s not my partner!” but she was, and they were partners from the moment they grabbed hands on Lamentis — right when the timeline broke off. I think Loki variants teaming up is the biggest threat to whoever is pulling the strings here — that’s why the post-credit scene is so significant. (Is Loki the only person who has multiple variants of himself who've escaped the TVA?)

And here’s where I’m gonna get salty--so I apologize but i need to rant about this-- but it’s seriously pissing me off that so many people are intentionally reading this as Loki/Sylvie and then being mad about it when that’s clearly not what’s happening and why is everyone acting like Mobius with one angry jealous brain cell and no critical thinking about the context of the characters.

If people ship it that’s chill, but for the people who are against it—it’s clearly supposed to be platonic, and it’s so upsetting that in the year of our lord 2021 we still can’t have a man and woman hold hands without people saying it’s proof they want to f*ck each other, like what in the misogyny??? STOP. This show was written by a bi woman and Tom the-most-emotionally-sensitive-man-on-this-planet Hiddleston — let them display an intimate loving friendship goddammit. This isn’t romance, this is Loki learning how to admit he cares for someone who cares for him in return — something he hasn’t experienced a whole lot of and clearly doesn’t know how to navigate.

(You have permission to personally come at me if it actually turns out to be romantic by the end of the show—but as of right now I will die on this hill.)

Him putting his hands on her shoulders to me was a clear indication he wanted to hug her, and I’d like to think he would have told her he cares about her, and that they can figure it out together. Because these are two characters who’ve never had anyone else to rely on and trust, and for the first time they’re not alone.

And I have to think about what prompted this from Loki. He just lost Mobius the moment after he called him friend. The way I see it, he’s just realized the true gravity of what they’re up against, and Loki is suddenly very afraid of losing Sylvie too before he tells her cares about her, of dying truly alone because he never told anyone what they meant to him. (Don’t think about this in the context of him also having watched his entire family die knowing he never told Frigga or Thor how much he loved them either don’t think about it—) He’s realized, finally, that he has doesn’t have to be alone, that he can choose to be close to people and have friends. And god it’s so heartbreaking that he never got to hug her or have that moment with her. I really hope they get that in the end. I hope he gets it with Mobius. I hope they have a group hug. I'm upset again.

Okay, deep breath, ANYWAY.

Hopefully this didn’t come off as attacking anyone else’s opinions.

Personally, I love this character so much, I’m just so happy to be seeing him in his own storyline that they can’t go wrong here. Objectively I think the production is amazing, and personally I love they way Loki’s character has been explored so far. (Yea yea, was I HOPING that the bad-memory loop would morph into Sanctuary and Thanos and like a full exploration of his true worst memories? Yes but let’s be honest my whump needs will never be met in canon and I have to accept that lol.)

Honestly I left all my own meta about this character at the door when the series started, because for me the opinions I’ve formed from the hundreds of (amazing) fics and meta I’ve read on this character and what’s true in canon are basically inseparable at this point, and no portrayal is going to live up to the way Loki exists in my head. Canon Loki and fic Loki are two different characters and I can enjoy both at the same time :) I’ve just loved seeing the character get given the different dimensions he deserves, and written by people who care about his story.

Also, it’s not over! If he was dead and this was it I’d be very upset, but this is the rock bottom of the storyline, and I think the whole next two episodes will be the build back up. I trust it’s gonna be worth it. SO hyped for flaming sword Loki. I would die for Sylvie, but I’m excited to see him on his own again.

My current most pressing questions are:

-what was the fallout of Sylvie’s bombing the timeline? (Have we seen that yet, am I just dumb and missing something?)

-Obviously, who’s behind it all? (Kang? Is there a head honcho Very Evil Loki at the top?)

-How much does Ravonna actually know, and to what extent is she just a pawn too? She asked Sylvie to prune her— she’s probably also been duped here.

-Is everything we learned about the sacred timeline BS? How much of what the TVA workers believe is real?

-my favorite theory so far is that the war of the timelines miss minutes talks about hasn’t actually happened yet, maybe making setting that into motion is the true endgame, leading into Multiverse of Madness?

(Side note: holy HELL im so excited for this soundtrack to drop on Spotify. It’s SO AMAZING I had CHILLS in the end credits.)

Open invitation to discuss anything with me if you feel inclined! :)

[rebelwrites]

Protector

Juice Ortiz x Reader

Requested By Anon // Can you do an imagine where the reader is Juice old lady/girlfriend but she has a son from a previous relationship that calls him dad even when he knows that Juice is not his dad, and one day the biological father shows up wanting to be part of the little boy's life but the reader doesn't want because he use to be a drug addict and he beat her so Juice go, full protector of his old lady and son.

You couldn’t help but think how lucky you were as you watched your boyfriend teach your 8 year old son how to ride a bike.

This time a year and a half ago, life was completely different. You were in a situation you didn’t think you would ever escape, you were broken and beat down. But then you met Juan Carlos and everything changed, it was like the rain finally came to a stop and the skies were starting to turn blue again.

He became your best friend and when the time came that you were ready to leave your ex he was with you every step of the way. All you wished for was your little boy never saw anything that happened with his father but unfortunately he did. You thought it would end up having a bad effect on him but in reality it made him into an even better person, and at eight years old he would try and fight anyone that upset his mum.

Even though Y/S/N knew juice wasn’t his real dad, he still called him pops and whenever anyone tried to tell him Juan wasn’t his real dad he would stand his ground saying he was.

But the good times must come to an end right?

At the gates of the lot you saw the familiar build of your ex strolling across the tarmac. Your heart suddenly felt heavy again, something you hadn’t felt for around a year and a half. He wanted nothing to do with Y/S/N when you left him.

“What are you doing here?” You hissed, clenching your teeth.

“I just wanted to talk Y/N” Reed sighed, running his hand over his face. “I know I fucked up, and I fucked up big time but I want to be in Y/S/N’s life, I want to a chance to be his dad”

All you could do was stare at him with a blank expression.

“Are you being real right now?” You asked holding your hands on the back of your head “or are you fucking high again?”

“Y/N I swear I’m clean” he whispered “I have been for a year now”

Out of the corner of your eye you saw Juan whisper something into Y/S/N’s ear before he ran off inside, probably to annoy Jax. You watched as he walked over to you, a calm expression on his face.

“Just give me another chance” Reed pleaded “please I’m begging you”

“You have a nerve” Juice laughed as he rested his arm around your shoulder pulling him closer to you “coming around here, begging for a second chance. You do know that little boy is scared of you right?”

“He’s scared of me?” Reed gasped.

“Yes he is and honestly I’m not surprised, not when he had seen you beat down the one person he loves with all his heart, watched how you treated her when you were high of god knows what” Juice said his voice slowly getting louder.

You had never seen him this angry before. Looking around you saw everyone you saw as family stood around ready to throw fists at the guy that made your life living hell.

“Now here is what you are going to do okay” Juice spat “you are going to turn around, walk off this premises and move in with your life”

“But”

“No buts” Juice glared “if I find out you have come anywhere near my old lady and my son again then I will set the angry pit bulls that are standing behind me lose and trust me you don’t want to be on the receiving end especially not from Happy”

“Okay I’m going” Reed whispered “I just wanted to say I’m sorry and I know how I treated you was wrong, I hope one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me and let me be in our sons life”

You didn’t say a word as you watched him scurry off the lot. Throwing your arms around Juice’s neck you let your fingers trace his tribal tattoos on his head, something that always helped you calm down and stay grounded.

“Thank you” you whispered before placing a soft kiss on his cheek.

“I promised you when we first got together I would treat you life the queen you are” he whispered pulling you tight into him.

Feeling a tugging sensation on your hoodie, you looked down to see your son standing there waiting for a cuddle. Bending down you picked him up and squeezed him tight.

“Just now buddy, if you ever want to see your real dad let me know” you whispered kissing his forehead “if you want a relationship with him that’s fine okay, but it’s your decision”

“Stop being silly mummy, my real pops is already here” Y/S/N smiled and in that moment you saw Juice’s eyes glisten as tears started to form.

One thing you knew, you didn’t have to be afraid anymore, not when you had your family and Juan by your side.

SOA TAGLIST

@chibsytelford @talicat713 @corebore123 @nothingeverdies @teapartydreams @mrspeacem1nusone @khyharah @itmejado @woahitslucyylu @beth-winchester21 @rocketqueen @auroraariza @trulysuccubus @haynsey @witching-hour @destynelseclipsa @edonaspanca @abbiesthings @angelreyesgirl @enamouravecleslivresetlechocolat @jadesamhart @lady-pswrld @ly--canthrope @hennessyauntie @gemini0410 @i-love-scott-mccall @est11 @mystic-shadows42 @sugary-x-sweet @starrynite7114 @skyofficialxx @terminallygenius @lauraashley93 @leaalfred @angelreyesgirl89 @sheeshgivemeabreak @marquelapage @meteora-fc @penny4yourthot @justahopelessssromantic @ilikechocolatemilkh @mayans-sauce @xbreezymeadowsx @ben-c-group-therapy @-im-fantastic- @bigcreatorwombatdreamer @milaxmariex @fvckthisbxtchup @cubblycie

[known-as-naya]

What’s your favourite thing about the Klebekah dynamic and your fave scenes? What was it that drew you to them

Thanks Yuki for asking this, it took me hours to think of all my fav scenes but it was worth it lol ❤️

My fav thing about the klebekah dynamic:

So, klebekah. I simply love them if it isn't obvious by now lmao, their codependent and dysfunctional toxic relationship fascinates me so much. They're litteraly the most important person in each other's life and I love that, I love how they understand one another with just a look, I love how they never gave up on each other for a thousand years despite all the betrayals, I love how they adore and worship one another, I LOVE THEM.

Rebekah was the person klaus loved the most in the world (besides hope ofc) it's actually funny how most of the fandom doesn't realize the impact she always had on him, she was his humanity for a thousand years, she was his constant (along with Elijah ) and he was hers, and as we saw on the show Rebekah was the person he showed affection the most.

As for rebekah, Klaus was the man she ADORED since she was a little girl, he was her big brother, the person she wanted to be like when she gets older, her protector, soulmate and best friend. Rebekah was the only person who never actually tried to change him, she loved him as he is during a thousand years and I LOVE THAT.

-The thing that drawn me to them:

Are a lot of things but THE CHEMISTRY was what made me fall in love, fun fact: but the first time I discovered klebekah I was watching a tvd scene on YouTube a couple of years ago and coincidentally it was their 3×03 Chicago flashback scene with Stefan, and I thought they were a sort of threesome of something lmao and when I knew they were siblings I was shocked but continued to ship them anyway cause why not.

What are your fav scenes ?

Oh boy, this is a very DIFFICULT question cause I practically love all their freaking scenes, but I eventually have to choose so there you go:

-I'll begin with tvd:

-There's 3×03, of course, THIS WHOLE EPISODE IS FULL OF INCEST. the "I'm not your girlfriend", the "choose him or me" Klaus' jealousy, the eye sex, the daggering session, the hand holding, EVERYTHING SCREAMED KLEBEKAH. This ep was such a strong introduction to their strange dynamic.

-3×04: my fav thing about this ep is Klaus taking rebekah to shop and being a child about it. He was so done with her already but at the same time so happy to have her around again. I loved the surprised expression on Stefan's face the whole time, he was not used to this side of Klaus, he was not used to Klaus being wrapped around someone's little finger. I loved their little conversation when she was trying that dress and she said something about women in the 21th century dressing like prostitues and that she got dirty looks for wearing trousers and then Klaus said you wore trousers so women today could wear nothing. Lmaooo it was hilarious.

- 3×15: "I hated you when I learned that you killed our mother but after a thousand years together as a family you're the only one who never left me "

" Aren't we a pair ?" THIS MF LINE GETS ME EVERYTIME. I don't have words to describe what it does to me but I love this scene and the fact that Klaus thought that rebekah was going to show him her torturer's skills makes it better.

-3×18: " you destroyed our family" "I wanted a family they just didn't want me, and now that we're unlinked we're no longer responsible for each other" "so are you leaving ?" "As soon as a get my stakes I'm gone..... I'm gonna make a NEW FAMILY of hybrids" "and if I choose to stay ?" "Then you're just as pathetic as Finn " THIS WHOLE scene was a masterpiece, them looking at each other like that makes me wanna give them a hug:

-3×20: it wasn't really a klebekah scene cause it was Esther in Rebekah's body but the way Klaus smiled at her and agreed to go to the dance JUST for her melt my heart.

-3×22: oh gosh this one, breaks my heart but love it so much " how dare you save Caroline over me ?" " You left me !" "it's always been me, not Finn not Elijah no Kol ME, I LOVED YOU through everything and you don't even care " and then he chokes her and say something he -IM SURE- regrets immediately "you know something rebekah you're right I don't care, from this moment on you're not my family you're not my sister you are nothing " and then he breaks her neck. I HATE THIS SCENE BUT I LOVE IT. these two needed couple therapy. Klaus was horrible, she watched him die, she mourned him, her heart broke. He could've told her about his plan tho ? I'm still wondering why he didn't but I guess he was just being an asshole as usual and took her as granted. And him saving Caroline over her was not it.

-4×04: the flashback hunter scene "YOU TRUSTED HIM OVER ME " "WHAT DID HE PROMISE YOU " "TELL ME REBEKAH " it was like he caught her cheating on him lmaooo. On the same episode there's the famous line "laugh at the girl who loved too easily but I would rather to live my life than yours Nik, no one will ever sit around a table telling stories about a man who couldn't love" the way he looked down after her saying that breaks my heart, cause Klaus could love, he LOVES her, then he daggers her -cause he's a paranoid bastard- and he cries about it.

-Let's switch to TO scenes:

-1×02: this episode is one of my favs but the best scene was when Klaus was choking Hayley after he learned that she wanted to abort the baby then, rebekah slammed him against the wall (it was hot tbh lmao) and she said "it's okay to care, it's okay to want something that's all Elijah was trying to do all he's ever wanted for you, all we've ever wanted." The way he looked her deep in the eyes gets me everytime, he was trying so hard not to cry. Then they sat together, exhausted, and Klaus told her about his plan -that involved giving Elijah to marcel lol- and if she doesn't like it, there's the door.

-1×03: one of my fav episodes too and it has so many good klebekah scenes, “that depends what plan you mean love my plan for global domination or rebekahs plan to find love in a cruel cruel world”  then she giggled and threw a pen at him so lovingly lol. They were teasing and all flirty with each other in front of Hayley and they acted as nothing happened the night before and Klaus never gave Elijah to marcel, after that they teamed up and everything was going fine but Klaus happened. then there's the masquerade ball scene when Klaus called rebekah " you really are a hideously evil little thing aren't you "

and them being jealous watching marcel and cami dancing. later in  this ep theres the famous “you disgust me” scene, the tension was so thick i acually thought they were about to kiss and have sex on that damn piano lmao but klaus as usual disapointed rebekah, she trusted him against all her better instincts and he choose to act against her back cause he thought his plan was smarter.

-I'm not sure in which episode this scene is but I remember Klaus telling rebekah "you were quite resourceful today..... sometimes I think I don't give you your due little sister" it was so cute cause Klaus knows that he doesn't give Rebekah enough credits, and she was so happy to hear him say that.

-1×14: the famous "YOU CANNOT HIDE FROM ME REBEKAH" this episode had me crying the first time I watched it, Klaus was so angry, disappointed and hurt, he could not believe that his baby sister did this to him, that he was in denial for almost a century and he for that she must pay. "Rebekah would not call my father no matter how angry she was " "enough of your lies" even after seeing the truth from the source he still couldn't believe it cause he loved her so freaking much and he thought she did too.

Then them fighting and Klaus getting turned on by her beating his ass up

-1×15: this mf scene.

The kiss, THE FREAKING CLOSE TO THE LIPS KISS. the sexual tension in this scene was HUGE, Klaus finally "set rebekah free" and he was DRUNK doing it. "We don't have to run anymore, we've found a home" and the look on Rebekah's face is priceless, she was shocked and almost guilty cause at this time she has already called mikeal and Klaus was a little too late.

Also in the same episode, THE BLOOD SHARING. Look at them just look at them.

-1×16:

THE BABY MIKAELSON FLASHBACK !! OMG, this scene melts my heart. "Don't be afraid I won't let it hurt you " "will you stay with me till the storm ends ?" And he did stay with her no matter what. I love this scene cause it shows how close and protective they were of each other since forever. Then he gives her the wooden knight so she can be brave. I'm soft.

Then there's this one too ! I love how Rebekah was actually the only one to ever stand against mikeal, she even tried to kill him, just for Klaus. So much devotion.

I'm still not over this one, the hurt on Rebekah's voice as she says those words, Klaus's tears, the whole episode was so angsty but this scene was IT. and then he realised what he did to her, that instead of protecting her he was hurting and suffocating her so he did something he's not used to do, being selfless, and he let her go.

The 1×22 scene: LITTERALY on top of my fav scenes list ! Klaus giving hope to Rebekah proved how much he trusted her "there's no one I would trust more with my daughter's life" and the fact that she came back just for him (and hope) proved that she never really wanted to leave, she just needed a little freedom. Then when he handed her the little toy I WAS IN TEARS OKAY, it was so soft. They were so happy and relieved to see each other again.

-2×09: "if anything goes south I'll be there to pull you out" "you and I on the same team it must me Christmas" he promised to protect her at any cost and she knew he will. Them teaming up against Esther was so great, then the "take me instead" , Klaus was WILLING to sacrifice his immortal life for REBEKAH, if this isn't pure love then I don't know what it is.

-2×17: another episode losing his shit because his wife-sorry sister is in danger. He let Freya enter his mind just to save her (and he was so suspicious about it cause he didn't want her to know his strategies but in fact he was just afraid she'll know about his questionable taste in woman lmaoo)

And this mf scene is so cute, look at their smiles, the forehead touch, his hand on her neck, here on his arm, FOR YOU FOR NOW. I can't believe this is actually canon.

-2×22: "family tradition!" "Minus the family."

"Well, you're here."" In the skin of your choosing, no less."

"Well, poor you. Because that body is such a hardship."

"You would hand over your crown? And do what?" "Raise my daughter... with the help of my sisters. One big, happy family."

" Now, that does sound grand-- minus the giant, Elijah-sized hole in the room. And, whilst your sisters raise your child, what will the child's mother be doing, exactly?"

"This, dear brother, is not what happiness looks like."

This scene was so important, Klaus was wrong and he needed someone to remind him that what he did was not necessary, that he hurt most of his family, and rebekah was there for that. He wished she'd stray with him to "raise" his daughter but after this scene we see Freya offering her Eva's body so she leaves.

-3×09: "you're always leaving" "and I always come back" THEN THE DAMN HUG. their hugs are always so good, the way they close their eyes and hold each other tight and they seem like they never want to let go of each other. Then she has to leave and make Elijah dagger her without telling Nik, cause she wants Nik to be happy for once.

-3×22: "wasn't you who once told me I could talk my way out of hell " and then they smile affectionately at each other and HUG tightly. After this he took her hand and they both walk to their possible end, and she watches him getting stabbed by marcel after she was forced to say all those things she did and didn't think. The whole trial scene was a masterpiece. I love it.

-4×02: this EP was full of klebekah soft scenes. There was the reunion HUG . the way she runs to him the second she sees him and the way he reaches to her and hugs her tightly to his chest.

The kiss on the cheek after "thank you for not abandoning me" and the way he smiles at her was so SOFT OMG.

-4×03: the goodbye hug "Nik you do not need me anymore, I know that I'm your fav sibling and of course I adore you" "you were the only one who never treated me like s misfit, for centuries my only place was by your side...." AND THEY HUG TIGHTLY AGAIN. this was the first time Klaus let Rebekah do whatever the hell she wanted without fighting or daggering and it was revolutionary to her. (The fact that she's his fav sibling and she KNOWS it makes me so happy lmao).

-5×01: their phone call about Elijah. They were both so lost and devastated without him it broke my heart. "How does he look?" "Happy.."

-5×08: "ah Nik always so dramatic"

They were so happy to be reunited after 7 years of being apart, look at them hugging each other so tightly. I LOVE this scene.

-5×12: then there's the goodbye scene, Klaus gave her the cure so he can make up for a thousand years of hurt, "live the life you've always wanted to live, MY SISTER" the way he looked at her so proudly, so in love makes me cry. In my opinion he gave her the cure so they can reunite again in the afterlife. Both him and Elijah can't live or die without her, they're supposed to be together, they're meant to be together and the cure will bring her to them, to him, again. It was such a good scene, the hug, the last glances, everything.

And that's it!!! I'm sure I forgot some other scenes but those are the most important. ❤️

[shirtlesssammy]

15x18: Despair

Then:

The entire fandom preparing for this episode

Now:

We literally start off right where we left off last week. Jack is a ticking time bomb. Sam hauls his nephew/son into the war room. Team Free Will freak out and try to come up with a plan. Jack wants to get far away from them. “Don’t let me hurt you.” AGGHH. We’re fine. It’s only 2 minutes into the episode, WE’RE FINE. Dean insists that they’re not giving up on him, and we love a good 180. 

Billie pops up and tells them all that she can’t stop what’s happening to Jack, but she can help. 

She sends him to the Empty where he promptly explodes. 

Billie explains to the trio that the Empty was the only place/entity that could absorb that kind of power. Jack could survive --and the Empty could survive, but it won’t be happy. Billie points out that the Empty will want her, but can’t get to Earth without being summoned (coolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoolcool). 

Billie wants God’s book back from Sam. Sam Fucking Winchester confronts Billie about her end game plans of restoring order --and sending all of them back to their death. Billie tells Sam that if they want Jack back, he’ll give her the book. 

JACK’S ALIVE!

Petty, petty, sullen Sam brings Billie the book, but throws it on the table instead of handing it to her, and we love him and his insolent little heart. 

She grabs the book and starts to open it. Cas wonders what she’s doing. 

She tells them that God’s book has a new ending. Dean’s done and wants Jack back. 

Meanwhile, the Empty recorpealizes and is D O N E. She drags Jack to her and just as she’s about to HURT HIM, he disappears. 

He’s home, but Billie claims him. Dean doesn’t like that idea so he grabs Death’s scythe before she can ditch the bunker with the kid. He slices her arm and she sends him flying. Billie disappears without the book, her scythe, or Jack. 

Later, the Brothers Winchester take a moment in the library. Dean apologizes for pulling a gun on Sam. 

(Listen, if we’re going full Bicon clown with Dean these next couple of weeks, this shot reminds me SO MUCH of the shot of James Dean from Giant.)

He also breaks down that Chuck is probably now all powerful, they’re on Billie’s hit list, Jack’s powerless, and Michael’s in the wind. They toast to their impossible odds. 

*Charlie and her cute GF Alert*

Stevie, the cutie from episode 3 is making perfect scrambled eggs for Charlie, and I’m dying inside. Charlie suggests a hunter’s date, and they smile and ARE CUTE, and I’m dying inside. The eggs are perfect, but this story isn't. Stevie just poofs away before Charlie’s eyes. 

Cut to Dean and Sam checking out Charlie’s place to piece together what happened. Charlie tells the brothers that she didn’t see or feel anything before Stevie disappeared. 

Outside, Cas waits with Jack. Cas asks how Jack is doing. 

Jack feels “strange”. He doesn’t know how to feel now that he’s not needed for the big plan. Cas assures him that he wasn’t there to get absolution from the Winchesters. “We don’t care about you because you’re useful or you fit into some grand design. We care about you because you’re you.” BRB CRYING. 

Jack is crying, I’m crying, and the world is crumbling. Jack is scared, and Cas, gripping his son’s shoulder, tells him that he’s scared too. 

Inside, the brothers tell Charlie that they think that Billie’s killing people that shouldn’t be on Earth. Charlie gets upset and admits that she promised herself that she wouldn’t do “the love thing” again. Sam gets a call from Bobby. More people are disappearing. Dean points out that no one is safe. 

Sam instantly thinks of Eileen AND WE HAVE EMOTIONS. They take off to find Eileen. 

Sam texts Eileen as they drive, but doesn’t tell her what’s up. Sam watches the dots...until they disappear. Hahahahahahah, NOPE.

They get to Eileen’s place and find her purse and phone on the sidewalk. 

She’s gone. “If I let myself go there, I’ll lose my mind.” AND WE’RE RIGHT THERE WITH YOU SAMMY. 

Sam activates action mode. He tells the others that they need to protect the other hunters from Alt World. Dean tells Sam that he should do this, but he’s going to make Billie pay. “I’ll go with you, Dean,” Cas volunteers. OF COURSE. 

We jump to a close up on Donna and her fabulous D-TRAIN license plate. Readers, I love her. She talks to Sam over the phone. She’s found a silo they can ward up and hide out in while Dean and Cas try to take out Billie. When Sam hangs up, he notices that Jack’s looking unrooted and gives him a job to do. Jack “has to drive” so that Sam can do work. Jack scooches over to the driver’s seat, ready to do something at last. Readers, I love Sam.

Dean and Cas arrive at the bunker and make plans to barge into Billie’s library. Dean plans to trash the place like a particularly unruly raccoon who breaks into a kitchen, until Billie arrives to stop them. He grabs Death’s scythe and they’re off. 

When Sam and Jack arrive at the silo, Donna tells Sam that she’s there for him - whatever he needs. 

The hunter network is on high alert, and Bobby’s got his AU crew holed away in the silo already.  Charlie pulls up, transformed from her sunset bright t-shirt into apocalypse world Charlie again.

Sam joins the crew in the warehouse and reconnects with Bobby, who immediately informs him that Sam’s the boss of the operation. When Bobby told the hunters that Sam wanted them to head to the silo, “they came running, no hesitation.” ….Excuse me, I have something in my eye. They’ve warded the whole silo with every warding they can throw at it, and Sam’s using one of Rowena’s spells (EXCUSE ME, I HAVE SOMETHING IN MY EYE) to bolster the strength of the sigils. 

Jack and Donna are painting sigils together, when Jack notices a plant. She recommends pulling it to protect the warding, but when Jack extends his hand it withers and dies.

Dean and Cas creep into the library, where Billie stands waiting for them. Dean tells her that they’re after her because she’s been killing off his friends. Her only reply is, “Interesting.”

Dean jabs Billie in her wounded shoulder, and the pain is high enough that Dean can get the upper hand. She holds the scythe at bay with just her hand, and Dean orders her to call off the hits. Billie laughs right in his face. She’s not killing anyone! Dean’s little papercut to her shoulder is enough to kill her, so her only plan at this point is to kill herself a Winchester and go out in a blaze of vengeance. 

Sam powers up the warding in the silo, ready to defend against Billie. Meanwhile, Billie thinks Chuck’s the likely one who’s been disappearing people. Quickly enough, a little girl is the first to disappear. As her family breaks down into full freak-out mode, all the hunters hiding out in the silo flash away. ALL OF THEM.

Hey, if I have to suffer, you have to suffer.

Sam, Jack, and Donna can only watch this with horror and then Donna looks down at her hands. She smokes out too. NOOOOOOOOOO!

Billie power-smacks Dean across the room. It’s vengeance time! As much as I don’t want Those Two Idiots™ to die, it is lovely to see Billie storm around in battle-Death mode. 

Dean and Cas race into the bunker without a plan, Billie in pursuit. It’s only moments before Dean is buckling. As he collapses, we reveal Billie on the balcony. I do love how this is framed!

She’s clutching Dean’s heart in her grip and pursues them through the bunker. “I’ve got you,” Cas tells Dean as he supports him. HELP, I’ve been murdered by emotion!

Cas directs them to the dungeon, grabs Dean’s pocket knife from his back pocket (I’m FINE, btw), and slices his hand. Quickly, he wards the door with a sigil, and Dean recovers instantly.

That is, he recovers physically. Emotionally, he is in ROUGH SHAPE. While Billie pounds away at the sigil, Dean realizes that they’re trapped. He blames himself - he was angry and needed something to kill and that’s ALL HE KNOWS HOW TO DO. f r o w n y f a c e

Dean’s in a pretty bad headspace. He thinks Billie’s going to break in and kill Cas, then himself, and then EVERYBODY ELSE. He apologizes, while Cas puts his strategic commander-of-garrisons brain to work. There is ONE thing that Billie’s afraid of. 

Readers, it was at this point that Boris and I were shouting our usual gleeful shit at the TV. Things like, “Lay one on him, Cas, and the Empty can come!” And then CAS SAYS, “I made a deal.”

“Kiss ‘im,” I murmur while wondering WHAAAAAAT IS HAPPENING when Cas brings up the “moment of true happiness” requirement. At this point, I’m thinking they’re in the dungeon and it’s full of spellwork supplies probably. So, like, I guess they’ll light some quick candles and summon the Empty? 

We fall silent as Cas starts talking about FEELINGS. “The one thing I want, it’s something I know I can’t have.” He says this RIGHT TO DEAN’S FACE. RIGHT IN OUR FACES. “Happiness isn’t in the having. It’s in just being. It’s in just saying it.” 

We stop breathing.

And then Cas murders us forever when he shifts to talking about Dean. He knows Dean sees himself as a killer, a “blunt instrument.” But Cas sees him differently, and his way is true: Dean cares more than anyone Cas has ever met. He’s powered by love and not anger. “You’re the most caring man on Earth. You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know. Ever since we met. Ever since I pulled you outta Hell, knowing you has changed me. Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you. I cared about Sam. I cared about Jack. I cared about the whole world because of you. You changed me, Dean.”

Cas is crying and we are murdered dead in our beds by this show. 

Dean thinks it sounds like goodbye. “That’s because it is,” Cas tells him. And then he follows up with one last thing. “I love you.” 

And...it’s there. The love we’ve seen in his eyes for eleven seasons is there, out loud, and centered on Dean. We joke a lot at ShirtlessSammy about the need to just KISS ALREADY but this flayed us in the way a kiss could never do. It heightens everything. Castiel’s care for Dean, his loyalty and friendship now have a new layer - that of textual, unrequited love. We’ve obviously been personally clinging to the destiel train car for quite some time, but laying out Castiel’s feelings and saying it’s enough for him to acknowledge them out loud is SO POWERFUL. As a love story, it’s tragic beauty. As a personal coming out story, it’s just BEAUTY. 

For HARD TO PROCESS Science:

With this dropped between them, Dean can read the writing on the wall. “Don’t do this, Cas,” he begs. Immediately, gooey sounds begin to squish out from the brick wall behind Dean. 

The empty swirls in, and Billie breaks through the door at last. Cas grasps Dean by the shoulder. “Goodbye, Dean,” he says, hurling him away from the twin threats. 

In an instant, the Empty advances, swallowing Cas and Billie and retreating back into the wall without so much as a howdy. (Please join me for a displeased hiss at Billie’s apparent demise.)

Sam and Jack emerge from the silo, shocked. Sam tries calling Dean, while Jack looks around. Jack wonders if it was just the people in the silo who disappeared. 

The camera POV pans out to abandoned playground equipment, still-spinning bicycle wheels, and cars left behind on the road. It’s the end of the world, and suddenly the world feels too big. Too lonely.

We cut to Dean. He’s on the floor in the same place Castiel threw him. His phone rings. It’s Sam. Dean stares at it, before dropping it to the floor. He pulls himself inward, and the episode ends on the sounds of choked sobbing.

Boris and I are monsters, as WE end the episode entirely too jubilant for words. Here’s to being right! Readers, while Boris can’t fully hope for a happy ending (gotta protect that heart), Natasha has zero doubts. We’re getting them back, damn it! And love’s gonna light the way.

Never Gonna Quote Me Away (From You!):

I don’t wanna hurt you. Don’t let me hurt you.

To somehow

I wanted to make things right. And now I don’t know why I’m here

Let’s go reap a reaper

I brought a bucket

I guess this is the part where I say, “Hello, boys”

It’s you, Dean. It’s always been you. Death defying. Rule breaking. You are everything I live to set right. To put down. To tame. You are human disorder incarnate

You think that hate and anger - that’s what drives you. It’s not. Everyone who knows you sees it. Everything you have ever done - the good and the bad - you have done for love.

Want to read more? Check out our Recap Archive! 

[watchmegetobsessed]

Memories - Grayson Dolan

here i am, back with another fic based on a dream i had! also, i did not proofread this so im sorry for the mistakes!

summary: You are childhood friends with the Dolan siblings and you recreate childhood photos, but one recreation results in surprising consequences.

word count: 3.8k

masterlist

“I can’t believe they made me do this,” you growl at your own reflection when you finish your already ridiculous look with putting your hair up into piggy tails. You look like someone who has fully lost her mind and acts like a child while being an adult. The denim overalls fit you loosely since you found it in your brother’s wardrobe, but it was the closest you could find to what was required from you. The striped shirt however is a little too tight, given the fact that the last time you wore it was in seventh grade. You’ve definitely gotten bigger in certain parts since then, but this is the only striped shirt you could find in such a short notice.

You feel ridiculous, but still excited. When the twins called you last night to ask if you’d be in recreating your old photos from your childhood there was just no way you could refuse. One, they sounded so thrilled and eager and two, you found it just as interesting and promising as them. You’ve been stuck at home for so long, you just couldn’t say no to some fun with your favorite neighbors. Growing up next door to the Dolan household has been one of the best things in your life. You instantly had two more awesome brothers and a big sister and friends you knew would always be there for you. When the twins left from home and Cam moved because of collage you were afraid you’d lose them since you stayed, only attending the local community college so you could help out the family business, but they proved you wrong. Endless video calls, nonstop texting and snapping and surprise visits whenever they came home to the family reassured that this is surely gonna last a lifetime.

Now in this messed up situation with the virus, they are all home with Lisa and being the restless goofballs that they are, there’s always something crazy they are up to and this time they made you join them.

“Y/N!” your mom calls from downstairs and though you already heard the quads arriving she lets you know the boys are here for you.

Taking your backpack that’s filled with your other childhood outfits you stomp down the stairs when you appear in the corner Grayson is the first one you spot. His eyes widen at you for a second before that shit-eating grin stretches across his face at your outfit, even though he looks just as ridiculous as you in his old, purple shirt with Sponge Bob on it and the hideous red shorts, socks pulled up almost until his knees.

“Look at you, Tootsie!” he chuckles and you roll your eyes at the nickname only he uses still. You couldn’t say the letter F normally until you were about seven, turning the word footsies into tootsies and everyone liked to tease you about that, especially Grayson. The name got unstuck by the time you turned sixteen, but not for him. He still calls you Tootsie whenever he has the chance. You don’t mind, it always awakens those damned butterflies in your tummy.

As you get to the bottom of the stairs his hand immediately reach up to curl a strand of hair from your piggy tail to his finger, playing with it a little before he lets it slip out of his grip.

“Woah, Y/N, you nailed the look!” Ethan shows up with freshly baked cookies in his hands that he probably got from your mom who is experimenting in the kitchen again. That’s her new favorite thing since the quarantine started.

“I know, right?” you grin, doing something that you meant to be a curtsey, but it turned out more like an awkward bopping.

Ethan has a black shirt on with striped pants, socks just as high as Grayson’s with his tennis shoes. They both nailed the vintage looks pretty well and you can’t wait to see their other outfits. Grayson sent you a bunch of photos last night that they want to recreate and he got you curious what will turn out of this.

Your mom walks out of the kitchen, oven mittens on her hands and she gasps seeing all three of you.

“Om my! How cute you all look!” she cheers and gathers all three of you into a group hug. “Time flies…”

“But you look just as pretty as you always did,” Grayson smirks at her and you can see her blushing. He never fails to make her feel better, one thing you absolutely adore in him.

She packs some more cookies for you before you finally leave, the quads waiting on your driveway. You go to Gray’s without a second thought, you always ride with him. Ethan used to make a fuss about it when they first got them, but eventually gave up on the fight and you guess he accepted that Grayson is your ride when it comes to the quads. You always told him it’s because you think he is a better driver, but in reality you just love sitting behind him, arms hugging his waist, thighs pressed together.

His sweet scent makes you smile as you sit behind him, waiting for him to start the quad and you often wish the way from your house to their would last longer, giving you more time to enjoy this little moment with him. Crushing on your childhood friend has taught you to savor these little things as if they are happening for the last time in life, because these are all you had and still has.

“Piggy tails!” Cameron greets you upon arriving, jumping down the stairs rocking the same hairstyle as you.

“We should do them more often,” you laugh as you get off the quad, unwillingly letting go of Grayson, going to hug her tight.

“We look fucking awesome for sure,” she grins.

The boys bring everything that’s going to be needed during the photoshoot into the pickup while you go inside to greet Lisa and the three of you girls have a quick little chat.

“Oh, I can’t wait to see the pictures,” she cheers happily, hips leaning against the edge of the counter. “I love these recreations.”

“We will look so ridiculous on all of them,” Cameron snorts finishing up her lemonade.

“We always end up looking ridiculous when we are together,” you smirk at her and she points at you nodding.

“You’ve got a point.”

Once the boys are done with loading the car you go to the backyard to shoot the first few pictures that were taken there. Ethan is responsible for the camera, Grayson controls the set while you and Cam try your best to nail the poses like on the pictures.

They turn out amazing. You all managed to recreate the outfits almost perfectly and you could find the exact spots from the photos, making it possible to nail them precisely. Lisa watches you work from the kitchen window, a wide smile on her lips and it makes you happy to see her like this. So carefree and full of life.

“Okay, we have one last photo here,” Ethan directs, zooming in on the picture on his phone. “Gray, Y/N, go to that tree.”

Nodding you follow the instructions, though you know which photo it is going to be. You adjust your piggy tails tugging on your shirt. You’ve changed from the overalls, now rocking a yellow polo shirt with high-waisted denim shorts and sandals. Many of the pictures were taken on the same day, so you can recreate more in the same outfits.

“Alright, Y/N has to sit on your shoulders and hold onto a branch.”

Gray nods and turns to you, rubbing his hands together.

“I’ll squat down, you sit on my shoulders, okay?”

“Yeah,” you nod, feeling a bit nervous. The guys used to pick you up, carry around on their back and shoulders a lot, but your teenage years made you super insecure about your weight, so you asked them to stop. They respected your choice and though you’ve successfully overcome this situation, they are still very careful around you.

Grayson squats down and you stand behind him, hesitant before lifting your leg up and planting it onto his shoulder. You freeze when his hand holds onto your thigh above your knee.

“Don’t worry, I got you,” he softly reminds you, thinking you froze because you’re afraid he would drop you, but in reality it’s because of his touch.

“I know,” you quietly say before placing a hand on his head for support, fingers digging into his now long hair before you lift your other leg up and finally put it to his shoulder. He counts back from three before he stands up and you suddenly tower over everyone in the backyard.

“Hold onto the branch!” Ethan instructs you and looking up you grab the first branch you can reach. Grayson’s hands on your thighs are basically burning and you can’t tell that it’s his palms that are so hot or your skin under his touch.

You manage to focus for a few so the picture can be taken and when Ethan says you got what you needed Grayson slowly descends so you can hop off his shoulders.

“You okay?” he asks brushing his hair out of his face once you are both standing on your own feet.

“Yeah,” you smile shyly as he brings a hand to your back, gently caressing it to let you know without words that you did great.

Once the backyard pictures are done you all load into the pickup and head into the forest, the place where you’ve had so many adventures growing up. You knew this recreating would be a lot of fun, but you finally feel like it’s all like before, when adulthood hasn’t set in, the twins and Cam were still living next door, making it easy to hangout whenever you wanted.

You take picture after picture, and not just recreations, you are making new ones, eternalizing this new memory the four of you share now.

“Alright, we have one more picture to take,” Ethan announces with a knowing grin and you furrow your eyebrows at him.

“What? I thought the one with the ladder was the last one.”

Walking over he shows you his phone, already laughing and your eyes go wide when you see the photo he wants to recreate.

“You did not send me this!” you protest as you stare down at the photo you’ve seen so many times before, but never thought it would cause you to almost have a heart attack.

It was taken of you and Gray, the two of you are sitting on the back of Sean’s old pickup, you were probably five, max six years old here, little arms hugging each other and Grayson is giving you a big smooch right onto your lips. This was technically your first kiss, if you count the innocent childhood kisses. Back then you had no idea what crushes or love were, you only knew that you liked this silly boy who lived next door and happened to have a clone, as you used to say it. Your feelings for Grayson originate from way back.

“Come on, Y/N! This is one of mom’s favorite,” Cam tells you grinning and you’re annoyed that she and Ethan are enjoying this more than they should while you are probably now as red as a tomato. Glancing over at Grayson you see that he is just standing there, looking nervous maybe? Eyes avoiding to look at you.

“I…”

“She would be so disappointed if this one doesn’t get a recreation!” Ethan nags you and he is such a rat, using Lisa against you. They know you’d do anything for her, she is like a second mother to you, saying no to her has never been an option for you and they know that too well.

You are defeated, so walking over to the truck you just simply hop on the back, trying not to look like you are about to pass out from your nerves. Ethan makes his brother sit next to you and it feels so awkward, you definitely did not think this would ever happen.

“You don’t have to do this because they are blackmailing you with mom,” Grayson whispers to you while Ethan and Cam are busy with setting the camera up.

“It’s fine, really,” you say forcing a smile to your lips, but it’s so not true and he knows it too.

“Okay, so Gray, you just lean in and… go for it,” Ethan laughs as if he is a kid again, talking about kissing like it’s a forbidden thing to even say out loud.

The two of you adjust your position, turning to each other a little before you hug each other like in the photo. Grayson looks deep in your eyes, giving you the chance to bail out, but you just stare back at him, ready to go with whatever is about to happen.

“Okay,” he whispers to himself and before you could even have a second though his lips are on yours.

Your eyes close immediately at the sensation, arms loosening around him, making the hug more comfortable as you let your lips part a little. Far away you hear the camera clicking, but it doesn’t sound real, your heart is beating in your throat and that innocent smooch slowly turns into a real kiss.

“We got it!” Ethan’s voice snaps you out right before it could take a more radical turn. Leaning back your eyes are met with Grayson’s startled face, lips parted, hands still on your waist.

“Great, great,” you mumble awkwardly, hopping off the trunk, out of his arms.

The mood has definitely changed because of the kiss. Ethan and Cam start teasing the two of you about it, but you just try to shrug it off while forcing yourself to forget what it felt like to have his lips on yours, because the more you think about it the more you crave another kiss… and another one… and another one…

It seems like Grayson wants to say something, or this is what you see in his eyes, but he keeps quiet on the way back to the Dolan house. Cam invites you to stay over for a movie while Ethan edits the pictures and you accept it. Arriving back to the house you are wandering inside feeling distant and dizzy when a hand slides into yours and pulls you back before you could walk inside.

“Wait,” Grayson keeps you back and you turn to him with a puzzled look. “Can we…”

“Just take her to your room, Gray!” Ethan shouts from the front porch with the most annoying grin on his face.

“Shut up!” he snaps back at his brother. “Come with me,” he nods at you and he pulls you towards the quads.

“Where are you going?” Ethan calls after the two of you.

“Where you are not there to be an asshole!” Gray retorts making you laugh. You hop on the quad behind him. “Hold on tight, Tootsie,” he chuckles as you wrap your arms around his waist.

You have absolutely no idea where you are heading, you’re just enjoying the ride, face pressed against his broad back, feeling the muscles moving under your cheek every time he takes a turn.

When he stops and you look around you immediately recognize the place. The little abandoned patio you found about a decade ago in the woods still stands, vines and plans have taken over it, the wood looks like it would give up if a harsh wind blew through it, but it still looks like a magical place. It was you secret place with Grayson, you came her often when you both wanted to escape from home, just sat on the dirty floor and watched the sky through the cracks of the roof of the patio.

“I can’t believe it’s still here,” you chuckle walking closer while Grayson turns the quad off behind you.

“Yeah, looks deadly though,” he comments scoffing.

“Probably been through a lot,” you smile back at him. “What are we doing here?”

Hopping off the quad he walks towards you pulling his phone out of his pocket with a nervous, but excited smirk on his face.

“I wanted to recreate one more picture.”

He hands you his phone, a photo from about five years ago shown on the screen. You both were just teenagers, the phone was put to the ground on a timer and the two of you sat in front of it in the patio, laughing carefree, he had an arm around your shoulders and you were leaning into him. It was just a random day you spent out in the woods when Ethan had a doctor’s appointment and Lisa asked Grayson to stay over at ours while they are not home. You wandered in the woods for hours and of course ended up at the patio.

“You want to recreate this?” you ask with a smile, looking up at him as you hand him back his phone.

“Yeah,” he nods with a shy smile.

“Let’s do this.”

He sets his phone up the same way as you sit on the floor in the patio, waiting for him to join you. He thuds arriving next to you as the timer counts back from ten. Swinging an arm around your shoulders you look him in the eyes as you lean at him.

The urge to kiss him is back, you want to feel his lips again so bad, but you don’t know if you should. The counter reaches the end and the phone snaps the picture, but neither of you moves.

“We should have laughed,” you whisper, feeling like his eyes are locked on yours, not letting you look anywhere else but him.

“Yeah?”

“Mhm.”

“Should we make another picture then?” he asks and starts leaning closer.

“I guess,” you breathe out right before his lips meet yours.

It’s so much more than the one you shared earlier on the trunk. This kiss is real, full of lust and longing, not something kids would share, but you are not kids anymore. Cupping his face in your hands you try to get as close to him as possible, pushing yourself to his lap and he falls back to the ground pulling you with him. You share a laugh, rolling around in the dirt, Grayson getting on top of you, kissing you again and again and you don’t want this moment to end.

“Sixteen year-old Grayson would be so proud of me now,” he smirks against your lips.

“What?” you smile at him pushing him a little back so you can look into his eyes.

“I’ve wanted to kiss you here so many times, I can’t even count.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Like the day the photo was taken. I was just a chicken and I thought you didn’t like me back.”

“I did. I still do,” you smile, brushing his hair out of his face but it keeps falling back.

“Sorry for earlier.”

“What do you mean?”

“The kiss on the pickup. They just wanted to urge me to do something because they are done with my pining after you.”

“What? It was all a setup?”

“Yeah,” he chuckles and rolling off you he sits up and you push yourself up as well. “Ethan planned it all out, hoping I would finally do something if I’m forced to kiss you, but I honestly thought you wouldn’t agree to take the picture.”

“But I did.”

“Yes you did,” he chuckles and reaching over he tugs a strand of hair behind your ear that escaped from your piggy tails. “Want to know something funny?”

“Mhm.” Nodding you scoot closer and kiss his lips softly, just because now you can.

“Remember how fussy Ethan used to get when you’d only ride with me on the quad?”

“Yeah. Like a baby,” you chuckle.

“That was because he used to have a crush on you too.”

“What?” Your eyes widen as you stare back at him. “He did not!”

“Yes he did,” he laughs. “We had a fight over this, because he didn’t know I liked you. But then I told him and he realized he has no chance.”

“How did he just realize it? What do you mean?”

Looking away from you he seems nervous to answer you and you give him time. You know he is going to share it with you.

“He said that… He has no chance, because he just likes you while I… I love you.”

Oh how long you’ve been craving to hear those words from him! And now it’s reality, not just a daydream in your mind. Leaning closer you kiss him, sweet and slow, taking your time with him.

“I loved you too. I still do,” you smile at him and wrapping his arms around you he pulls you down with him back to the floor kissing you all over and over again.

When you return to the house about an hour later Ethan and Cameron come out running to the front porch the moment you hop off the quad, clearly waiting for something holding their breath.

You don’t say a word, just try to hide your smile while Grayson gets off the quad too and stepping next to you he laces his fingers together with you. The moment this happens Ethan and Cam starts screaming and shouting, running to you and jumping all over the two of you.

“FINALLY! YES!”

“ABOUT FUCKING TIME!”

“Oh my god, guys!” Grayson chuckles showing his siblings off to give us some space to breathe, but you don’t mind their enthusiasm. It’s cute that they were rooting for you so bad.

Lisa appears on the front porch, confused about all the noise, but then she sees as Grayson pulls you to his side, kissing the top of your head and she immediately knows what’s happening.

“You’re not joking, right?!” she gasps walking down the stairs.

“No, mom. It’s serious,” Grayson chuckles shyly and as his mom finally reaches you she embraces both of you in a tight hug, laughing happier than you’ve probably ever heard her.

“Finally! I’ve been waiting for this to happen for so long!”

“Mom!” Grayson whines, but you find it so sweet.

“We all did, Lisa,” you admit chuckling.

She invites you all inside for dinner and you gladly join. What happened today didn’t change anything in the dynamic you shared with them. Dinner is just as heartfelt and fun like it always is, or even better. When you’re done eating you all go into the living room and watch the little slideshow Ethan put together from the photos, laughing so much on both the old and new ones.

Today surely started as a day of old memories, but the new ones you’ve made are way better than any other you’ve made with your favorite siblings, especially one of them.

[saberspirit]

jiang cheng character analysis essay under the cut! bc he means a Lot to me (its 5 pages im sorry)

tl;dr my thoughts on his relationship to his parents, his relationship with anger and feelings of inferiority, what zidian represents to him, his siblings (largely about what led to him and wwx falling out), and my thoughts on reconciliation between him and wei wuxian in the end.

tw!!! for child abuse and death, also warning for spoilers for the ending. 

alternatively can be read on google docs for accessibility

foreword: by writing this it is not my intention to imply this is the end all be all interpretation, or that i know more than fans of colour (especially chinese/chinese-american fans). i’m looking at his character as a white fan and through a western lens. i understand there are nuances i wont understand, but i have tried and continue to look at him w/ an educated view point and i’m always trying to continue my own self-driven education. i’m as always open to criticism and correction, although i understand it is no ones job to do so. it’s purely an interpretation from someone relating to his themes that i talk about here. thank you for reading! 

Jiang Cheng has a very complicated relationship with his parents (understatement), though different from Wei Wuxian’s complicated relationship w/ them (some overlaps being given).

It’s obvious to me that JC identifies more as his mother's son than his father's—feels he has to be because surely that’s why he feels neglected and like he’s constantly being found wanting by his father (even if Fengmian does Not mean to come across that way and isn’t a cruel man). He identifies with his mother’s anger and feeling of not being what his father truly wanted or loved and I don’t think he realized the effect she had on him with her constant comparison game—trying to measure him up because Madam Yu used him as a playing piece in her constant warring with Fengmian and instilled a sense of otherness in him and his deep-rooted feelings of inferiority and not being Good enough, not being enough in general. And yet he still deeply loves them even through all that he’s been through because of them both.

He never grew up learning how love should be in a relationship; should be from a parent to a child. The love he learned is a different type of conditional love from WWX's (WWX being that he doesn’t trust it in the first place, knowing it will leave). JC receives love and praise but knows it comes from a silent arrangement: it’s transactional. He upholds what his parents want and he gets…a form of it. Jiang Fengmian loved him in a way that you just kind of do love family, perhaps without a real reason otherwise—not pretty, but it is as it is. Madam Yu loved him in a way one loves a possession: she saw too much of Jiang Fengmian in him and JC was a reminder of how unhappy she was and how much her husband didn’t seem to care about her or what she gave him. (This isn’t to downplay Yanli's role in JC’s life: I think she was truly the only one to show him unconditional love in a way that he understood and recognized but it's unfortunately different from siblings and fell on half-deaf ears when all JC really wanted was his father’s approval).

Madam Yu was (afaik) stated to not be physically abusive (aside from the whipping when the Wens came from Wei Wuxian), but she was one-hundred percent verbally and emotionally abusive (for example, punishing WWX w/ isolation from the family w/ seclusion, or in general just how she talked to JC and WWX). She broke those two boys and it's something that can’t be undone…and Zidian represents that trauma, abuse, and expectation and JC’s anger and resentment that was the product of it. It’s literally lightning in a whip form; able to bind without harm, but it’s primarily used to hurt; it can reveal a true form; control over it is only relinquished to one’s family and loved ones.

JC doesn’t just lash out verbally at Wei Wuxian when they meet in his second life, he literally does. It’s his anger under his skin like static, driving him forward and being unable to rest because he’s constantly looking for closure he can’t have. He resents how his parents and Wei Wuxian made him feel but it’s also the only thing he has of them, and he clings to that (and therefore Zidian). It’s the last thing, bar Lotus Pier, that he has of his family anymore, and he wields it like a weapon…because ultimately it’s the only thing he's known for a very long time. Anger is an easy emotion. He wears it well. It was an emotion he learned from his mother, and he is his mother’s son.

As a side note for Zidian: Jin Ling refusing to take it from JC in the Burial Mounds to me was very much about not wanting a goodbye. He's a stubborn kid—JC mirrored what his mother did to him in handing off Zidian before certain death, and I think Jin Ling realized "take care of Zidian" meant "because I can’t anymore". JC wanted Jin Ling to stay safe and keep a hold on their family's legacy, but Jin Ling refused it and stepped forward to protect JC—JL is tired of goodbyes and afraid of losing more people, but also that stubborn streak to protect his family back. He went into the fray himself even if it’s not what JC was asking him to do (but then to JC’s chagrin the kid never really does do what he asks usually, Jin Ling has a good head on his shoulders and he’s as stubborn and quick to anger as his jiujiu but he’s also as incredibly loyal and caring). And I think it's a good vehicle to show that JL is breaking that cycle for them both.

Back to Jiang Cheng and anger and his siblings though. Yanli is all about showing affection in her words and actions (ie. meal sharing, peeling the lotus seeds, etc). WWX struggles to show it in forthright actions, let alone verbalize it (he’s truly bad at it) so while WWX does love his brother and shows it in actions like giving him his golden core…it’s not something JC picks up on well, or at all because he doesn’t even get told about the core until the Guanyin Temple. Jiang Cheng is someone who needs verbalized confirmation and very obvious action. But then to be fair, JC is also not good at verbalizing his love and care (he and Wei Wuxian are two peas in a pod w/ this one). It’s often behind barbed wire because 1) that’s how it was shown to him and 2) because it’s safer and easier to hide behind anger. He really does use it as a shield to protect his real feelings because he’s used to his feelings being trivial and being thrown in his face, and is used to loss. It’s a buffer.

This leads to a problem: Wei Wuxian does love him unconditionally, but I don’t think JC knows that. When he’s faced with the golden core surgery after everything, it’s definitely obvious, but it’s so twisted up in being hidden from him, in his own fears and feelings of failure and reliance that it’s soured. And he struggles to reach out and be frank with his own worries.

And this leads and lends to the severity of their falling out (not the only cause, but a big player in it).

He deeply loves his brother, but it's also entrenched in his bitterness and fears. If it was initially hard for him to verbalize because of those issues (on top of being a teenager/young adult and his feelings of inferiority irt WWX), he’s now in the current day steeped in sixteen years of loss/grief/trauma. Of unresolved tension between the two of them because WWX never told anyone anything—even if that’s just how he is, nothing personal towards JC except maybe that it’s his little brother, his shidi, and he doesn’t want to put a burden on those he loves—and JC tried time and time again to believe him and in him.

The problem was that his trust got thrown in his face time and time again. His older ‘peers’ (clan leaders) mocked and insulted him to his face for his naivety, pointed out that what WWX was doing was an insult to JC and their family, that WWX’s actions disrespected him and that he should do something about it. WWX’s actions themselves alongside him never letting JC in on anything further isolated them and put walls between them. This sewed the seed of the idea for JC that maybe he was naive. That WWX couldn’t uphold his duty and promises to JC and their family while also upkeeping his own personal code of ethics. (Not that it helped that Jiang Cheng also started lashing out at Wei Wuxian in minor ways for not having Suibian, but he didn’t exactly know why, to his credit).

His trust was him trying to care for WWX through all they’ve lost, but he’s also under the immense pressure of leading and rebuilding his home while also being looked down upon for his inexperience and ties to the man the cultivation world loathes.

Jiang Cheng believed WWX when he said he'd help him, wanted him to and expected him to. That’s his big brother and ultimately family comes first, so it was out of the question that WXX wouldn’t uphold that duty to him. Jiang Cheng is barely an adult as Sect Leader and was still a teen when they lost everything, so of course he wanted to rely on and believe Wei Wuxian when he said he'd help. JC doesn’t usually rely on others—I’d wager he hates relying on WWX especially as a callback to the inferiority complex—but he lets WWX in when they have the “Twin Prides” talk, lets him in when he promises JC to help him rebuild their home…and then WWX lets him down several times.

Post Burial Mounds there are signs that JC notices, if not consciously then subconsciously, that something is off with his brother (the demonic cultivation, the flute, the lack of Suibian, his weakness when pushed, etc), little things that he noted but didn’t have the time during a War to think too deeply on. He’s more relieved to just have him back where he can see him, happy that his brother can help them. Jiang Cheng gives him his vote of confidence in his abilities, in him, because he never thought of WWX or his methods badly (having been a fan until it became a symbol of losing Wei Wuxian to Something Else). Even if he had thought something of it, did have a concern, they don’t easily talk to each other now.

That much is obvious when after various meetings post the Sunshot Campaign as WWX is struggling with his temperament and resentful energy, after WWX saves the Wen remnants from the Jin Clan, and Jiang Cheng shows up at the Burial Mounds. He still believes in Wei Wuxian, still is bound to help him, and wants to help him. He’s willing to sacrifice the Wens for his brother. His actions and words are not pretty, but by god is he desperate. Jiang Cheng wants to save him and hides it with harsh words because once again he’s not good at being forthright with his feelings. He’s at his wits’ end, he’s barely 20, and suddenly he's losing Wei Wuxian too. It’s not about them being Wens because at this point he’s aware they’re helpless—it’s because it’s WWX and he’s supposed to make the right decision and be competent. It’s freshly post-war and he’s scared: his big brother is leaving and he feels powerless and he Hates that. Once again feels like he’s not good enough. Not good enough to save WWX, not good enough to lead, and he’s under intense scrutiny. He tells WWX as much that at this point he can’t help, and it hurts him to not be able to. Jiang Cheng wants Wei Wuxian to help him, help him. It’s an admittance wrapped in hurt and hurtful words, and WWX throws it in his face because he can’t let him in.

It’s not meant in any malicious way. Wei Wuxian is also traumatized, scared and hurting and dealing with the changes demonic cultivation is causing within him. But this is a key moment when JC for once verbalizes his fears and WWX tells him, ‘good, you don’t need to worry, I don’t have anything to do with you from now on’. (And of course, WWX is doing this to protect JC, but this response is what JC is afraid of).

So we have two times that JC has tried really hard in his own ways to let WWX in. To rely on him and be honest with him and WWX ends up…breaking his promises and leaving him and their family behind. And to me, that explains his actions when the last time they speak before he dies (that we’re shown anyways). WWX is sitting down with Jiang Cheng and Yanli. JC is the one that set up them being able to meet him, the one that reached out even after they fought to make his defecting from the Sect look convincing. He was the one that told Yanli that WWX should be the one to give a courtesy name to her child.

And then WWX brings Wen Ning. Yanli is open to Wen Ning sitting in and enjoying their family tradition, but JC can't understand why. Why WWX chose these people over his own family. He resents it. When he says "you might not be able to come back, to your family" I can imagine how much it destroys him to hear WWX say "but the people I’m returning to are also my family". Because what does that make them, WWX’s siblings; what does that make the promises and the years spent raised together, the duty he had to them first. Wei Wuxian might return to the Burial Mounds, but Jiang Cheng has to return to an empty Lotus Pier. The ghosts of his parents and ghosts of memories of his siblings he’s never getting back (because Yanli will be in Jinlin Tai after her upcoming wedding).

Repeatedly over and over Jiang Cheng reaches out, but time and time again it’s like WWX is telling him he’s not enough: not enough for WWX to rely on, not enough to protect him, not enough for him to want to return to, not enough to be family.

Then the cultivation world comes for WWX and his amulet. Yanli is killed, as far as JC can tell, because of the mess WWX made, and once again he’s in the dark about everything. Then WWX dies and rumours swirl that JC killed him, and maybe he did, maybe he is his brother’s killer even if Wei Wuxian would call it a misunderstanding. He’s left alone with an orphaned nephew in Lotus Pier with his entire family, bar an infant, dead.

So Jiang Cheng spends the next sixteen years without answers, with WWX having reinforced his insecurities and fears that stemmed from the abuse he'd suffered during childhood and then died. Yanli died when she never should’ve been in danger in the first place, seemingly because of Wei Wuxian. And he's so angry. He lashes out at memories and reminders, lashes out at anyone who chooses that same path that WWX chose over his family.

By the time Wei Wuxian’s come back from the dead and JC knows it’s him, WWX is still deflecting, still hiding still not telling him the truth. The fact that WWX comes back at all hurts purely as a fresh opening of the old wound, but the fact that he doesn’t come to find JC, that once again JC and his family isn’t a priority and once again is second best (this time to Lan Wangji)?

He doesn’t kill his brother. JC sits him down in a room and tries to talk but old hurts rile up and he reaches for anger again. WWX isn’t forthright and it makes it worse, neither of them are good at communicating: too many things unsaid, that can’t be said, too many misunderstandings and neither of them knowing how to talk about it. JC has Fairy there and it’s a minor act of revenge. JC uses what he knows is WWX’s weakness to intimidate and immobilize him, but it doesn’t help either of them actually talk.

Reconciliation is going to require WWX being able to talk to him without deflecting and JC getting angry so easily. But by this point, he’s given WWX a lot of chances and it’s why I think they could and would easily post-canon. Jiang Cheng's starting to come to an understanding that WWX did and still does care about him. He didn’t give him his golden core for no reason, and JC starts to understand why WWX did it for him and that he knew JC well enough to hide it in the first place.

He started to reach that conclusion shortly after Wen Ning told him—oh the pain of it having been WWX's chosen little brother figure—and Jiang Cheng had gone around asking people to unsheathe Suibian. It's why he brought Chenqing to the temple in the first place.

I think it speaks to his maturity that he decided at that moment he couldn’t say what he wanted to tell WWX in the end. I think he knew neither of them was ready, but I also think it speaks of how much he misses and trusts WWX to have let him go for now…I think he knows they will meet again as long as they both live, and that they'll be better for having waited. After some time to think, digest, they’ll be ready to be family again and all that entails.

[ellana-ravenwood]

“What it means to be a big brother” - by Damian Wayne (Batfam x Fem!Reader)

I wanted to write a story with Damian as an older brother, and how he came to learn what it meant to…well, basically the title haha. And since quite a few of you lately asked for more Thomas, here we are. I hope you will like it :

My master list : @ella-ravenwood-archives . Links to stories where Thomas appears (for those who do not know who he is) in the author’s notes at the end of the story.

__________________________________________________

Right there, with his new little brother in his arms, standing in front of his family...Damian didn't dare to move an inch.

There wasn't a muscle in his body that wasn't tense.

In this exact position, things were going well, so he wasn't about to move. Staying like this forever sounded more and more like a good plan.

Because if he did move…There was a chance he’d drop him.

"You don't have to be so stiff you know ?"

Tim said, amused.

He was the one that was holding the baby just a few minutes ago, and was clearly not as stressed as Damian about it. He was also the one that laid little Thomas in his brother’s arms, and therefor was the cause of the “full body lockdown” Damian was going through.

Slowly, Damian turned his head towards Tim (he couldn't move too fast, because there was a risk he'd drop the baby !) and said through gritted teeth :

"Yes I do. If I don't, I might drop him !"

The word “drop” was resonating in Damian’s head, and it was the only thing he could think about.

Drop. Drop. Drop drop drop drop.

It was starting to lose it’s meaning, and only the fact that it would be terrible if he “dropped” something stayed in the boy’s head.

But then the baby moved, and Damian looked down instinctively.

His eyes fell upon his new little brother’s face and...He felt his heart drop.

What was this feeling ? Why, all of a sudden, did he feel overwhelmed and full of...something ? An emotion he couldn’t quite pinpoint.

It kinda made him want to cry.

His eyes glued to the little body in his arms, trying to understand this intense surge of emotions, he finally raised his head after a few seconds and said, a hint of disbelief in his voice :

“I’m-I’m a big brother.”

And boom. There it was.  

Up until now, you had managed to keep your cool, looking at your sons and daughter holding Thomas in turn, and beaming at him happily.

But here, that bewildered look on Damian’s face, and that smile he probably didn’t even notice he had on, was a little too much for your heart.

Damian was the one you were most worried about, when it came to meet baby Thomas. You weren’t sure how he’d react.

All along your pregnancy he was doing fine, and seemed excited about the prospect to have a new brother. But at times, when nobody was looking at him, you noticed the worried look in his eyes, and it frustrated you to no end to not be able to know for sure what your son was thinking.

You’ve always been good at deciphering the Waynes’ emotions, sometimes even better than them themselves. But in that case...You couldn’t quite put your finger on what kind of worries were assaulting your boy.

Was he afraid you’d love his little brother more ? Or that he wouldn’t be the “baby” anymore ? Maybe afraid not to be a good enough role model ? Or to simply to not find a way to bond with him ?

So many questions, and no answers. 

Maybe it was a mix of all of that. But you just couldn’t decide. And it was an immense source of stress for you.

But here, right now, as you witnessed Damian smiling widely and whispering “Im a big brother”, your own worries suddenly vanished.

You turned to your husband who was right next to you, and put your head against his chest, muffling a "awwwww" sound that you feared might put Damian on the defensive. Instinctively, Bruce wrapped his arms around you (this called for some “I know, I know they’re cute” support).

God forbid anyone would catch your little buddy being so sweet. Haha. He hated when you called him that.

Sweet.

But he truly was ? He just didn't know it yet.

You were sure no one ever told him he was "sweet".

But he had all this little attentions for you, his father or siblings. 

He might think of it as nothing, but you all noticed. You noticed all the drawings he’d left in strategic points for all of you. Or how meticulous he was in preparing pop corn or hot chocolate for movie nights. Little things, that when added, became grand. 

You noticed everything. All of you.

Most importantly, you noticed the big changes in him.

Damian was 12 now.

He came into your life two years ago and, after quite a while of him refusing this little family his father made for himself, and making life difficult for everyone…He came around. He understood.

And you never blamed him for being difficult at first, on the contrary. You were the most understanding of them all, scolding your kids or Bruce himself, when they were too unforgiving or frustrated too fast !

It was a team work, to make Damian feel like he was finally home. 

Feel like he was amongst his family. 

Like Dick, Jason, Tim and Cass were his siblings, and although you weren’t his biological mother, you saw him as your own son too.

It was a learning experience for everyone. 

Bruce did a great job at being patient, and teaching him about his own values and such. Forgiving him when he took the wrong decision, all the while still being strict. It was a balance of understanding, softness, forgiveness, and yet still putting important boundaries. Damian never really experienced any of this... 

Your kids had some practice at being older brothers, and only Tim needed an acclimating moments...But he was a fast learner. After the first initial bad meeting, they became close. Although of course, they still bickered from times to times. After all, they were little/big brothers. Everything couldn’t always be perfect. Life wasn’t like that. 

As you looked at Damian and Thomas, you wondered...Would Damian, just like his siblings, find his own way to become a big brother ? How would he proceed ? He had, after all, a lot of role model for this. But would he decide to take the same approach ?  

The future was more unknown than ever, but as you looked at your family surrounding you, and this new beaming little life that entered yours, you had quite the high hopes. 

************

"July 15th 20?? (I’m not putting an exact year cause ya know, it wouldn’t stay accurate). Thomas : three days old.

          I am starting this logbook to understand. I got the idea from Grayson, whom I think got the idea from mom ? I always see him write in that journal of his. I think when he was younger, after he lost his parents and just started to live with father and mom, she suggested to him to write his feelings down. And so he started journaling. He has a bunch of filled notebooks in his room. I saw them a few times, but I never looked. Mom says it’s his thoughts, I would never intrude (okay maybe I “intruded” once. Or twice.). 

         That’s not the point of this anyway. According to both him and mom, writing down their feelings help a lot. So I asked Grayson if he could give me a blank notebooks, since he always has some in advance. He gave me a stupid bright pink one that sparkles and light up in the dark...But oh whatever, at least like that, nobody will know it’s mine, and will open it.

         Now, what is the point of this exactly. Laying it out is suppose to help so, here goes nothing : in this logbook, I am planing to “write down my feelings” so I can understand. I’ve never felt that way before. Love is very new to me, people actually caring about me is very new, having a sort of freedom is new, being happy is new. I’ve come a long way in two years, and I still find it difficult to put words on all the things I feel. Hence, this book. 

          More precisely though, I will record in this “logbook” (not to confuse with a journal or something), my journey as a new big brother. I think it will help me, to write things down. The idea doesn’t sound as stupid as when I first heard it two years ago. On the contrary, I already feel like my brain is getting more organized about my feelings, just by writing this down. Like now, I understand that what I felt as I held Thomas for the first time was love. And a need to protect him. But it was so instant, as soon as I truly saw him, that it made me wonder...Why ? And How ? Is this what it is to be a big brother ? A sudden instinct coming out of nowhere ?

          I will implement my studies of becoming the best big brother (notes for self : competition = hard, have to work very hard), and understanding what it actually means to be one, as it’s a first for me. 

          My life now is full of “firsts”. But in this logbook, I will mostly talk about being a big brother to Thomas, because that’s the newest and most intriguing thing yet. After two years, I think I know what love is, and what it isn’t. It isn’t praising me for being the best, but encouraging me to always do my best. It isn’t training me and being proud of me when I’m perfect, but accepting my flaws unconditionally. Yes. I think I got love down. It’s in little gestures, like when father goes to the other side of town to get my favorite take away. It is in small (and sometimes big) affectionate things like calling me pet names, ruffling my hair, or making sure I am alright. Love englobes a lot of things (my feelings for Thomas being in it). It took me a while to understand it, and I think if I had a logbook to write my findings down, it would’ve been easier. 

          So here I am. Starting a new journey of discovery. But with the knowledge I already have. How my brothers and sister are with me. How my parents are with me. How my friends, are with me. What love truly is. I’m not starting this new canvas blank, but with already a large array of color. What I need now, is to make this painting my own.

*There is here a drawing of himself standing at the front of a large pirate boat, ready to start this “new journey of discovery”, with the annotation “I think Grayson would enjoy this analogy of being captain of my own boat, as in of my own destiny. He always enjoyed pirates”*

         A plan : 1. Get books on babies.                    ��   2. Hanging out with Thomas.                       3. Observing how the others are interacting with him.                       4. There is no 4 yet. But there will be as I come along, I suppose.”

************

It all happened so fast. 

Bruce and the kids were about to go on patrol, when you started to scream at him that it was time. In a panic, you rushed to the hospital, leaving behind your children who anxiously waited for some news. 

Hours went by, and no news were given. 

Everyone slowly started to freak out, but Damian was the one who was touched the most. 

When Jason dared to tell him : “Hey buddy, no news mean good news, right ?” in an attempt to comfort him, Damian went on a rant about how this expression was idiotic and made no sense. 

No news meant a lot of things ! Like, maybe their father RECKLESS driving got them into an accident, or maybe there was complications with the babies, or they ran in any kind of troubles that prevented them to give news ! 

No news meant “no news” ! And was in no way, in Damian’s eyes, a positive thing ! 

It’s as Damian was going on and on about what could’ve gone wrong that could explain the lack of news, and starting to freak everyone out, that the phone finally rang. 

“Ah, see ? No news did mean good news.” 

Jason said ruffling his little brother’s hair. Although his apparent confidence was only a facade, because Damian’s list of “what could’ve gone wrong” really got to him too (he’d never admit it but Jason was quite the worry wart). 

But everything was fine now. He could joke, and tease his brother again. Because...

It was official, there was a new member in the family. 

Thomas Clark Wayne was born, on a sunny July day. 

************

Damian didn’t know how to feel. Or rather, didn’t know what he felt.

He knew that day was going to happen, he saw his mother’s belly grow. He touched it, and couldn’t help but share his parents happiness...but it all seemed so surreal at the time ?

Like the baby would come in a very long time ?

He wasn’t an idiot. Plus, he was already 12 now. He most definitely knew where babies came from (ew) and how they came to life (double ew). 

But even with this knowledge, he just hadn’t been able to visualize having a baby brother ? 

So when he found himself in the hospital corridors, following after his older siblings, running a little to keep up with their hurried pace, he wasn’t really sure what to feel.

What would he find in that room ?

Probably his mom and father, smiling at him, and holding a baby in their arms...

It was weird. Because Damian had always been the “baby” of the family. Was this spot now his brother’s ? How did that make him feel ?  What was his place now, then ?

He didn’t know. He didn’t know !

Did he still have a place ? How was he suppose to know what it was ? 

So many thoughts were rushing through his head, he didn’t have time to process any of them that they already were in the room. 

The first thing Damian saw wasn’t the newborn, as his brothers gathered quickly around his mom and father while he stayed a bit behind with Cass (who rolled her eyes a lot, whispering : “boys” every two seconds). 

No. The first thing Damian saw was his father. His smiling father. 

Given the looks his older brothers gave in his direction, Damian gathered that Thomas was in their fathers’ arms. And Bruce was smiling so widely. 

It was pretty rare, to see him smile. It only happened when he was with his family. You made him smile a lot, even more so when you both thought nobody was looking at you. 

Damian thought that it was the first time he saw this specific smile of his father. 

Thomas’ existence had created a new awe induced smile... 

Bruce was looking down at his tiny son in his arms, and was just smiling widely and...sort of like a child ? 

Like even when he smiled to his wife, or to his kids. Those actual genuine smile he gave them, not the fake "Brucie Wayne" persona ones. They were always very him ? They always had his past in it. When he smiled at them, they could see they meant a lot, because he was able to smile even through all his pain. And they were the one that brought his happiness forth. 

Bruce’s smiles to his family were grateful, full of pure joy, and recognition. With a hint of sadness, however. Of traumas he could never forget. 

But here, as he held Thomas, it was like he forgot everything, and was carefree for the first time since he was eight. 

Of course, it only appeared like that to Damian because he wasn’t quite sure yet about how he should feel. Happy, or jealous ? He never noticed the many times his father gave him that exact pure child like happiness and awe too. 

Bruce wasn’t always the best at showing his feelings, a lot of time, he would smile softly, full of love, in the way he was right now, only when he was sure no one was looking. 

He most definitely smiled that way to all his children, they just never had the chance to witness it due to Bruce’s own self-consciousness, and not being sure  how to handle his own feelings at times.

In that way, Damian and his father were very much alike. You often said so. They sometimes had great trouble expressing themselves. 

Which could cause great misunderstanding, like right now. 

As Damian witnessed his father smile this way for the first time ever, and wondered...

Wondered if..If Talia gave him to Bruce as a baby, would he have smiled the same way ? 

…Probably not.

It made Damian feel all sort of things, to realize that. 

Strangely, the emotions he felt weren’t negative. On the contrary, he was glad that his little brother was lucky enough to be born into this family he thought amazing, and would grow up immediately loved and never alone. 

Sure, Damian wished it would’ve been the case for him too. But you told him once that the past was the past, and it did no good to dwell on it (he was pretty sure you misquoted Dumbledore from Harry Potter but never said anything), and it really stuck with him. 

He would never be a baby anymore, hurting himself and his feelings thinking about what could’ve been was useless. It would only bring him misery. While thinking...Thinking about his new brother having this chance...Well, it made him very happy. 

He was glad, times were changing. 

“Do you want to hold him ?” 

You asked him, taking him out of his reveries about how he realized he only had positive feelings about this new life coming into his. 

Good feelings yet, but not enough to dare hold him. Panicked, he took a few steps back and said : 

“No ! No no, I’m good !” 

You tried to hide your disappointment, and instead gave the boy to your oldest son, Dick. You kinda wished Damian would’ve accepted to take Thomas into his arms. After all, his reaction was the one that worried you the most... 

************

It’s only as he witnessed all his sibling holding their new brother, and beaming brightly at him, that he felt like he wanted to do that too. 

He felt like he was missing out, because they all seemed to thoroughly enjoy holding Thomas ! And he felt like he was building unnecessary boundaries between him and his new baby brother. 

What if Thomas thought he didn’t want to be his brother ? 

Of course, right now, being only a few hours old, Thomas couldn’t think about that yet. But Damian read somewhere that infants could feel this sort of things. And so he turned to Tim, who was the one holding the baby boy at the moment, and said : 

“Can I-...Can I ?” 

Of course, Tim understood, and did not hesitate to put his little brother in his other little brother’s arms. He explained quickly to Damian how to hold him, making sure Thomas’ head was all good, and let go (later, he’d admit that he watched YouTube video to know the proper way to hold a baby). 

And the rest was history. 

“I’m-I’m a big brother.” 

************

“Friday, October 16th 20??,  Thomas : 4 months old. 

       I found books about babies. Many of them. 36 to be exact. They were in the library, I suspect father bought them to read up on how to take care of a baby. After all, he never had one, since we all arrived around 8/10. 

       I put in practice what I got from them, and was very successful doing so. Thanks to them, I was able to refine my studies on what it truly means to be a big brother. 

(...)” 

“Damian ?” 

Bruce was looking for you, and guessed you were in your office, which, just like the bedroom you shared with him, was right next to the nursery. Of course. 

He knew you must’ve been there at this time of the day because it was your “writing time”, but also Thomas’ “nap time”. In your office, you could make sure to be there for him quickly. 

Bruce had just come home and as usual, looked for you immediately. He had a tough day at Wayne Enterprise, and you always were his respite. 

But as he walked in front of Thomas’ room (where he was planning on going after seeing you), he was stopped in his track by the door being open, and quite an odd vision. 

Damian was standing next to his brother’s crib, an arm reaching out in it. As Bruce, intrigued, approached them, he noticed that one of Thomas’ tiny hand was wrapped around one of Damian’s finger. 

Before he could ask what was happening, his boy whispered, as to not wake his little brother up : 

“I read somewhere that babies need physical contact so their brain can develop well. A baby that nobody ever touches just doesn’t speak much, and isn’t as advanced as one who received affection. So I’m holding his hand.” 

Bruce’s brain went blank, as he looked at the extremely cute scene of his youngest son sleeping peacefully, holding his older brother’s hand. It was too much for his heart, trying to not sound choked up, he asked : 

“How long have you been here ?” 

Damian looked up, thinking, before he answered : 

“A couple of hours ?” 

“A couple of-That long ?!” 

“Ssssshhh. Father !” 

Damian whispered scolding his dad for his loudness. He gave a worried look to Thomas, afraid he woke up, and then turned to his father again saying : 

“I heard him cry, and recognized it as being his lonely cry. So I came. Mother fell asleep on her desk, I think she was just too tired to even realize he was crying. I know neither of you have been sleeping very well lately, so no one can blame her. You two work tough jobs, then do the vigilante thing, and have to take care of a baby who doesn’t sleep through the night yet. It’s understandable, to feel very sleepy. So I came.” 

Bruce felt it through his entire body. This warm, fuzzy feeling. The same one that he forgot for so many years, until you and Dick came into his life. 

“How did you hear him ?” 

“I rigged his baby phone to my phone, so it would give me alerts if he cries. Tim helped me develop a sort of app for that.” 

This specific feeling he only felt when looking at you or his children. A sort of serenity filling his entire body. Peace.

“I rocked him a little bit. He smiled at me a lot, and cooed too. And then he felt back asleep, but as soon as I put him in the crib he cried again. I figured he didn’t wanna be alone, so I stayed and held his hand, and he eventually fell back asleep. Now I’m too afraid to wake him up if I leave, so I’m here.” 

“So you’re here...” 

Pride was in Bruce’s heart now. A beaming, strong, huge pride. Pride of having such a sweet little boy. Ah. Who would’ve thought, over two years ago, that Damian Wayne would stay two hours near a baby in fear that if he left, he would wake him up ? 

Feeling inspired, Bruce bend down and kissed Damian’s forehead affectionately. This took the boy by surprised, and he literally gasped ! 

It made Bruce feel a little guilty. His sometimes odd way of loving made it so that he reserved those forehead kisses only when his kids felt bad, or when he through they were asleep (though they never were). Moments of distress; or moment he was sure they wouldn’t notice. 

Sometimes, Bruce just wasn’t too sure how to react with his children. Except on definite moments, like them needing him, or them being too cute for him to resist a forehead kiss (they were always adorable, sleeping). 

Or, in this instance, his boy doing something so sweet he felt the urge to kiss him with all the love and affection he had. 

Now though, a little embarrassed, he took a step back, and ruffled his son’s hair again, saying : 

“You’re a good brother.” 

And then he left awkwardly, going to your office so he could pick you up and go take a nap with you in your room. Yes. This surge of emotion he felt, as he saw his two youngest children together, definitely called for a nap in your arms. You always had a knack, to calm him, even unconsciously... 

Damian stayed in Thomas’ room, a huge smile plastered on his face. 

His father just said he was a good brother !

“(...) Continuation of the previous entry (October 16th).      I put in practice what I got from them, and was very successful doing so. Thanks to them, I was able to refine my studies on what it truly means to be a big brother.

      Now, after four months of studying Thomas’ behavior and such, I came to realize that he has different kind of cry. They are as proceeded :  1. High pitch continuous noise = he’s hungry.  2. When he makes a series of loud “heh” = he’s too cold, or hot, or wet. It’s his sign to express a discomfort. Usually means dirty diaper, if no dirty diaper, means something else and then you have to look for what is bothering him. Example : Yesterday, the bird outside his window chirping was annoying him and keeping him from sleeping soundly. 3. Loud screams punctuated by pauses = He’s lonely. The pauses are him listening in to see if someone is coming to get him.  4. Almost silent cries, when it’s so loud it becomes quiet = he didn’t burp properly after eating and desperately need too. A few light tap on his back will make him feel better very quickly.  5. When he whimpers, it’s usually because he has gaz. Putting him a little straighter helps him...evacuate.

        I put this directly in practice today, when I realized he was doing his “lonely cry”. I went to his rescue, and I didn’t mind staying hours with him even though he’s still a little baby and doesn’t do much. He smiled at me a lot, I think he recognized my voice. And my singing (note for self : make sure no one is around when such occurrence happen, almost got caught by father today). Then it felt like he didn’t want to let me go, so I stayed. 

      Is that what it is, to be a big brother ? Being needed ? If it is, it actually feels nice. It would certainly explain all the time Dick, Jason, Tim and Cass came to my own rescue. Wether help for my homework or to comfort me. But, I do that too, as a little brother ? I comforted them too many times. And I witnessed Jason, Tim or Cass comforting Dick and vice versa and in all ways. So, this means it’s a sibling thing, not quite a big brother thing. Need to keep studying to know what “big brother” is exactly.” 

************

"Saturday, December 9th 20??. Thomas’ first Christmas/6 month old.

     I started to build his gift. I think he will like it. I-” 

“What are you doing, Damian ?” 

You asked him, walking towards him as he busied himself at the gadget station in the Batcave. You saw him jump in the air slightly, and put away a bright pink notebook quickly. 

And then he saw you had Thomas in your arms, and when Damian saw him, he hid whatever he was doing as fast as he could. 

“Mom, you’re gonna spoil the surprise !! Get Thomas away !” 

Surprised, and without thinking about it, you went to your husband who was typing away on the computer and put the baby in his arms. 

Bruce was about to grumble that he was busy and brush the both of you away (he could be a jerk sometimes), but you didn’t gave him a chance, shoving your son in his arms. And when he looked, annoyed, at his baby and how the little one seemed the happiest of them all as he just recognized his father. Bruce’s mood lifted all of a sudden. 

He smiled softly, realized he was being an asshole and was going to apologize to you but you were already gone back to Damian. Your husband and baby son exchanged a curious look, before Thomas got very interested in his father “Bat” logo and started to try to grab it, while Bruce smiled softly again and, holding his son in one arm, continued his work. 

Balancing family and night activities had been hard for him to get and do, but he had it covered, nowadays. Well. Almost. 

Meanwhile, you were back next to Damian, and with a sigh of relief, your son uncovered his project. 

It did all kind of things to your heart... 

“Damian, is that-” 

You couldn’t finish your sentence, too touched. Your son, proudly, said : 

“It’s a mobile to go above his bed ! I think he doesn’t like the one he currently has. So I’m making him one with things he’ll like ! See mom, that’s you. Do you recognize yourself ?”

Damian seemed worried about this, and you nodded. It definitely looked like you. So. Your son wasn’t just good at drawing, but also at sculpting... 

“It’s for Christmas.” 

He said, smile wide. And as you grabbed him and crushed him against your chest, he got a little confused... 

"Saturday, December 25th 20??. Thomas’ first Christmas/6 month old.

*There’s here a drawing of Thomas beaming at his mobile above his bed that Damian build for him*

       I knew my present would be Thomas’ favorite. After all, it represents everything he likes. I put everyone from our family (Father, mom, Alfred, Dick, Tim, Cass, Jason, and of course, me), and a few of his favorite animals (I used Ace and Titus for the dogs, Tommy is very fond of them). And it makes music, which he seems to enjoy a lot. Especially when our mom, dad or anyone from the family sings to him. I recorded all of them secretly when they sang to him, and made it so he just has to push a button on the side of his crib to turn the mobile on.

       I wasn’t even worried that he wouldn’t understand how to make it work. He’s only six months old, but he’s already very smart and curious (I think the physical contact  we all gave him is a lot to “blame” for). So when I put the mobile above his bed, and pushed the button to start the voice of our mother, he moved his little arms and legs excitedly and smiled at the mobile widely ! I only had to push the button a few times more, and for our father, Dick, and Jason’s voice to be on for him to notice the button, and to push it himself. Or rather, to kick it or throw himself on it as best he could. He is still not that coordinate when it comes to movements. But he’s smart. He understood that, to have the music, he had to push the button.

         He didn’t pay attention to all his other gifts, but mine he loved. It’s because I made it with everything he likes. So of course, he loves it. Is that what it is, to be a big brother ? To know your little sibling and be the best at giving him a gift ? No. That doesn’t sound right. Tim, or Jason, already gave me absolutely useless terrible gift, and yet it still made me happy to receive them, and that they thought about me. Mmm. The researches are still on.”

************

“Thursday, March 7th 20??. Thomas : One year and a half.

      Father and mom entrusted me with babysitting Thomas today, as everyone was busy. I was very happy to be trusted with such responsibilities. I thought it would be easy, at that age, they're easily manipulated. Well...I was wrong"

************

“NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOO.” 

Thomas was screaming, while Damian was trying to be heard : 

“Thomas, listen, you need to put your pants on or-”

“NOOOOO !! NO DAMDAM NOOOOO !!”

“No”, was one of the first word Thomas pronounced. Right after “mama” and “dada” (the jury was still out on which words he said first, and was source of endless bickering between you and your husband). 

Then he started to try and pronounce his siblings’ name, although he wasn’t quite there yet. Damian being the youngest and still at home (Dick and Jason had their own apartment by now, and Cass and Tim were starting to be very busy with college), he was able to sort of say his name first. 

“Damdam”. Close enough. 

But right now, Damdam really wasn’t having a good time. 

It started rather smoothly. Thomas was a pretty calm child, so Damian (wrongly) thought it would be all good all day.

Only, it was the first time he was taking care of his brothers for so long. A couple of hours there and there. He made sure to be with him at least once a day, for at least two hours. Most of the time, it was more. 

They really started to be very close, sometimes, Thomas would choose Damian over you or Bruce...it vexed the both of you, but you had to put yourself in the shoes of your young son. 

Damian only had the good times with him. Playtime, and bed time stories, and such. While you and Bruce had to be strict with him sometimes, and give him boundaries (like no jumping on his bed, or no pulling the dogs’ tails). 

Bruce once mentioned that Thomas most certainly inherited your petty side, given the fact he always went to Damian when you scolded him. But when you smacked him on the head, vexed, he said he was joking (although we all know he wasn’t). 

In any way, Damian, in that year and a half, only had the good times with his brother. And today, as he had to take care of him all day long, he realized that...it wasn’t always that easy. 

Proof : the morning had gone well, but now, it was over, and it was time to put some close on. Problem : Thomas didn’t seem very keen on putting pants, today. 

It started slowly, as if it was a game. 

Thomas ran around the room, laughing, repeating : “no ‘an’ !” (which probably meant “no pants”). Up until Damian tried to take his father’s strict tone and said : 

“Ok Thomas, enough now, you need to put your pants on.” 

Well. That didn’t play well in Thomas’ book. Frowning, he said : 

“No.” 

“Yes, Tommy. It’s day time, you need to put pants on.” 

“No.” 

“Yes. Come on, I’ll help you.” 

“NO !” 

Thomas ran away from Damian’s grasp, and your son was so surprised that he wasn’t able to catch him right away. He caught up to him though as Thomas was climbing a couch, sure that he’d be out of reach at its top (probably not understanding that Damian wasn’t as small as him...). 

Once on the top of it, he sad down and put his hands in front of his eyes, clearly thinking he was hidden, now. 

“I can see you Thomas.”

“No.” 

“Stop saying no, I can see you.” 

“No.” 

“Come on Thomas, I’m not playing anymore, I can see you, and you need to put some pants on.” 

“Noooooooooooooooo.” 

“Tho-” 

“NooOOooOOoOOoOOoOoo noooooooo.” 

“Thoma-”

“NoooOOoOOoo no no no no no no no !!!!” 

Damian realized trying to talk it out wouldn’t work. His brother was probably too young to be reasoned with. Quickly,he scratched his head to find a solution. 

Maybe making him laugh again ? Like Dick did with him at first. 

It felt like such a long time ago, but there was a time when Damian was a really big brat. He still was, sometimes, he wasn’t perfect of course. But he improved a lot. 

Regardless, one of the way Dick would make him stop being bratty, was making absolutely awful jokes and trying to make him laugh by doing stupid things. Ok. Here we go then : 

“Hey hey Thomas look, look !” 

“No no no no...No ?” 

Ok. Good point. Thomas was now watching Damian doing backflips and running around. Beaming, the little boy smiled widely and clapped his hands. 

YES ! Damian most definitely won. He stopped doing his acrobatics and turned to his little brother, saying : 

“Ok, time for pants now.” 

But Thomas frowned again, as if vexed he fell for the show, and gave Damian a definitive : 

“No.” 

Well. That was a fail. What did Jason do again, to stop one of Damian’s own tantrum ? Oh. Right. Um. That probably wouldn’t be a good method with such a young kid. Skipping that one. 

Tim ? Tim would talk to him about his favorite things. Video games, or whatever. And blackmailing him a lot (as a good big brother). Damian wasn’t too into blackmailing, but he was kinda running out of ideas. 

This was the first time Thomas was being difficult with him, it was too new, he needed more data to know exactly how to react ! 

So, blackmail it would be. 

“If you put your pants on, we’ll watch your favorite movie !” 

This seemed to peak Thomas’ interest. He looked at the Tv, then at his pants. Then at the TV again and...oh...Ooooh...Damn it ! Damian could see he almost got him. But it didn’t work, his brother shook his head “no” so strongly he almost fell of the couch. 

Ok. What were the options left ? What did Cass do ? Mmm. She would hug him and tell him things would be alright. Which worked for him, given his past, but Thomas was a little over one and had a normal happy childhood so far ! 

They couldn’t relate to their past, like Cass and him did. 

Ok. What would his mom do ? Well, with his mom, Damian had the intimate feeling that Thomas would’ve put on his pants without a word. He knew she wasn’t joking around. He’d never pull this sort of things with her. 

He would though, pull that with his father. And what would Bruce do ? Either let it go, or, if he was in a bad mood, be very strict and force him to put his pants on. Nobody said his father was perfect...His mother, neither. She could be implacable in her way of educating her son. 

Thomas was a calm boy, and was of course allowed to have tantrums. Their mother was mostly understanding. But if she was tired, she’d be less patient...It wasn’t always easy, raising kids. And the gods knew the Waynes had a LOT on their plates, at times.

MMm. Damian didn’t want to force him to do anything, or to lose his patience. 

And then it hit him. The solution was right in front of his eyes. Of course. It was so simple ! 

"(...) Continuation of last entry (March 7th) 

         New observation after today’s babysitting : toddlers sometimes focus on one thing so much they don't know how to react, and therefor, explodes with feelings 

        I found that my siblings tricks to calm me down would not work on Thomas, because he isn’t me. We don’t have the same personality, or background. I never even noticed before, how Dick, for example, used different methods to comfort all of us. Adaptability is key. Like how father gives us all different trainings, according to our own needs. Little brothers are the same. When mad, they need to be calmed in different ways. Thomas is such a calm kid and has so few tantrum, I feel comfortable doing what I did. 

       Which brings me to my next point. Being an older brother sometimes mean being the bigger person. Giving up, and letting them do what they want. I never realized how many things Tim, Dick, Jason or Cass gave up for me. But it now becomes very apparent to me. They switched things around in their lives to be convenient for me. Like, Tim used to love playing video games on his own, yet he let me come and play with him even as he doesn’t like multiplayer modes. Jason is afraid of snakes yet took me to Gotham terrarium where there’s one of the largest concentration of snakes in the US when I asked him. Dick gave up on ever taking many hoodies I stole from him back. Etc etc. 

         Being a big brother means being the bigger person sometimes, and letting the small one have their ways. Dick, Jason, Cass and Tim did it all the time with me, and it’s my turn to do it with Thomas. Unlike our parents, I don’t need to be the “police officer” of the house. I can have only the good times, and when appropriate, just let go. 

       Today was the first tantrum I witnessed Thomas having, and I decided to let it go. After than, it went all smooth. And honestly, he’s just a bit over one. It’s ok, if he doesn’t wear pants...” 

************

Their parents found them both asleep in front of Thomas’ favorite movie. 

They were still both in their pyjamas. 

“No pants” day became a thing, for the two brothers. 

**********

“Wednesday, April 19th 20??. Thomas : 3 years old.

        Today, I learned a new lesson. I kind of already knew it before, by observing Dick, Jason, Tim and Cass. But it only became obvious to me today :  A big brother is here to help his little sibling walk his own path. And discover the world.” 

Damian was looking at his baby brother toughtfully. Mmm. Seemed like the kid liked animals too. Maybe they could bond further over this ?

Your boy remembered that that's how his own siblings handled him. They found common ground on which they could understand each others.

With Dick, Damian learned how to perfect his flips and other acrobatics. They enjoyed the creativity and yet physical training of this “game”. 

With Jason, he used to spew all his frustration at him, and Jason would nod and say things like : “that’s right little bird, you tell ‘em !” and just agree with him on everything, even when he was wrong. They could particularly agree on how sometimes, Bruce could be a jerk...And yet wouldn’t wish for any other father. 

With Cass, they’d do artistic things. Drawing, or dancing. Sometimes sitting in silence for hours, back to back, while they painted. It was nice. Relaxing. 

With Tim...Well, Tim was a big advocate of this definition of sibling, that he made up himself : “The only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment, and beat up anyone else who tries.” So they’d bicker a lot, but then if anyone else was trying to rile Damian up, Tim would appear out of nowhere to give them a piece of his mind.

Yes. Yes. As Damian was observing little Thomas hug and smile at his stuffed animals, and thought that this could be quite the approach. 

After all, he really loved animals too.

"'Ook Damdam, ook ! SIMBA !"

Damian had become an expert in his brother's baby talk, and knew this meant : "Look Damian, Look ! A lion"

"No Thomas, not a Simba, a lion. Not all lions are called Simba, just like in the film."

Patience was key. Damian was pretty sure he already told Thomas that exact same thing a hundred time, but for some reasons, the boy stayed stuck on his Disney knowledge. 

But today, something different happened. Things clicked in the boy’s head.

Thomas looked at his stuffed animal for a while, and then asked : 

"…Nala ? Girl ?"

"…Wether it's a boy or a girl, their names aren't simba or nala, they're lions. And lionness. Simba and Nala are characters in a movie."

The boy looked at his  brother, confused, then looked back at his plushy lion and asked, to make sure :

"…Not Simba ?"

"Lion."

"…'ion ?"

"Yes."

"That, not Nemo ?"

OH ! They were making progress ! So far, Thomas didn’t really listen to Damian when he tried to teach him animal names, and just gave them names of Disney characters ! 

Now, he was pointing at his stuffed clown fish, asking wether he was a “Nemo” or not ! PROGRESS ! 

Damian smiled internally. Thinking it was cute, you and Bruce never did much to correct your son, which Damian found frustrating. But here they were, him finally gaining grounds !

“Right, not Nemo. Clown fish.” 

“On fish.”

“Clown. CL-OWN”.

“O-N.” 

“K-K. LL. AON. Repeat after me Thomas, Clown.” 

“...Cl...cl...clnown ?” 

“Clown.” 

“CLOWN !” 

“YES !”

“CLOWN FISH !” 

Thomas said proudly, showing his plushy. And Damian felt a rush of pride.Yes. That was it. Clown fish. He learned a new thing. And...And he probably wouldn’t have learned it yet if it wasn’t for him ? 

Oh. So a big brother also kinda had the role of a teacher. Interesting. 

And as Thomas ran to his father and screamed “CLOWN FISH” at him, Damian couldn’t help but being proud of him. Even though their father was clearly confused, as the little boy now was running to Alfred to show him he knew what a clown fish was, and didn't give further explanations to Bruce. 

“Clown fish ?”

The big scary bat repeated, utterly confused. By a three years old. What was it again ? Best detective in the world ?

************

“GWAYSON !” 

“No Thomas, no, I’m Dick, not Grayson !” 

“...Dick ?” 

“Yes ! Damian, stop teaching him that my name is Grayson ! Ugh. I swear, he hangs out wayyyyy too much with you. I need to spend more time here...” 

Damian grinned slyly, and Dick rolled his eyes. Thomas was growing up fast, and it made sense that he sometimes seemed closer to Damian, whom he saw the most. 

Dick and Jason had their own place, and both Cass and Tim were busy with college. Damian was still in high school, and a lot home. 

Although they weren’t seeing each others as much as he wished, the youngest Wayne and the oldest one still were extremely close. 

In fact, Thomas was very close to all his siblings. They almost were all like second (or third, or fourth) father, and mother. They were so much older than him, of course they’d have this sort of status at time. 

Their parents would take a lot care of him, and he was also very much a “daddy’s and momma’s boy” (like all his siblings really, though they’d never admit it). 

But Thomas did spend a lot of time with Damian, and wether it was on purpose or not, he took a lot after his mannerism and such...just like Damian used to copy his older sibling mannerism, and so on and so forth. 

“Gwayson” though, he could avoid. 

Dick rolled his eyes again, and smirked at Damian, before returning to play with Thomas. 

************

“Thursday, July 23rd 20??, Thomas : 4 years old. 

       Today, father and mom told me I was to take a night off and not to go on patrol. And that was a very big inconvenience. I had things planned, to prove my valor. I was about to sneak out anyway when (...)” 

Damian, his costume on, made sure his parents were busy before starting to come in action. 

First, he had to wait for his father to go on patrol, and join his other siblings out. And for his mom to get in front of the Batcomputer to monitor everything. 

Then, he had to wait for Alfred to put Thomas to bed, and to go himself sleep, the baby phone near him, just in case, even though Thomas was already 4 now and had full nights. The butler would never just leave him like that, even if his room wasn’t too far. 

Finally, he'd just have to sneak out by...

“DAMDAM !” 

Damian jumped in the air, surprised, and turned around. 

His little brother was right there, in front of him, smiling widely. 

“Thomas ? How did you get here ?” 

“I jumped out of bed, and walked.” 

Thomas said the most natural way ever, as if it was obvious how he got there, while it was almost 1 am and was supposed to be in bed. 

“It’s way past your bed time buddy.” 

“I can’t sleep. Mama and daddy awe not hewe. Cassie and Tim either. Alfwed is sleeping !” 

“Well you should be sleeping too !”

“But I can’t ! I just told you !” 

There was a short silence between the two, and...Oh. Oh he dared. 

Thomas was giving his older brother his world famous “puppy eyes” (a method he directly stole from Damian, of course). And as usual, it worked. 

Damian took his mask off, sighed and said : 

“You want a bed time story ?”

“YES !” 

And without invitation, the boy jumped on his brother’s bed, slipped under the covers, and waited patiently for Damian to go fetch the book they were currently reading. 

“(...) Continuing last entry, (July 23rd)

       And then Thomas fell asleep in my lap, and I realized something. I guess it was good, to have a night off. If I went out, I would’ve never made this important discovery : Tonight, I have learned that to be with the ones I love is enough. And that I do not need to chase after anything else to be happy. 

     It’s a discovery I thought I made long ago, but as I felt more big brother than ever after reading him a story, it truly hit me. Being me, and being with them...It’s enough. I don’t need to have more. And maybe, maybe being a big brother means to simply be there when you feel lonely ? Like Thomas, tonight, as our parents were away, and none of our other siblings were there. Like me too, when I had nightmares and went to hide in Cass, Dick, Jason, or Tim’s bed...whoever was available when mom and dad weren’t. 

       Mom and dad. They do their best. And their best makes them the best parents anyone could wish for. But they have a lot to do, wether in the day or at night. So sometimes, it comes to me. Or to my older siblings, to take care of each others. To take care of Thomas. We have to be there for each others, always. Being a big brother means taking the time to be there. Simple.”

************

“Look Damian, it’s a freakin’ elephant !!”

“Um, what did you say ?”

“It’s a freakin’ elephant !!”

Damian looked around at the disapproving looks he got, and couldn’t care less. Of course, he wasn’t particularly thrilled about his little brother using “freaking” but oh well. It was to be expected, when everyone around him used it (and in some cased *cough* Jason and you *cough* used even worst). 

But as Damian came towards his little brother, he realized something. Something that made him burst out laughing. 

Thomas was starting to read on his own now. 

It was exciting, to witness Thomas’ progress as he slowly but surely learned how to read. And it felt so nice, to participate in said progress. To be there every steps of the way. 

Damian shared the pride Thomas felt whenever he showed his parents how well he’d gotten at reading.

And it was so nice, to see his mom and dad congratulates both of them…Thom because he really started to read well, and Damian for helping him out.

Far were the frustrating days when Thomas was a stubborn toddler that refused to call animals by their “actual names”. 

Damian spend many hours trying to explain to his younger brother that no, mice weren’t called “Mickey” and elephants “Dumbo” ! 

Nowadays, the little boy knew what the animals’ name actually were. Which didn’t mean no incident ever happened…Like today.

It was Thomas’ sixth birthday and he asked to go to the zoo (Damian definitely had an impact on that boy).

“Look Damdam, it’s a freakin’ elephant !!”

The boy said excitedly, pulling his brother’s sleeve and pointing at the elephant’s massive enclosure. Damian shook his head, slightly shocked. 

Not because his brother just called him “Damdam” (it was the nickname Thomas gave him long ago, when he couldn’t pronounce things quite right, and it just stuck), but because Thomas’ words were very much unlike him. 

Their parents were a bit further, being disgustingly cute together, holding hands and all, and trusting Damian to keep an eye on Thomas (they knew he’d never let that kid out of his sight, plus Damian was almost an adult, now, he was responsible…sometimes).

“What did you say, Thomas ?”

“It’s a freakin’ elephant !”

The boy seemed so proud of himself. Damian knew elephants were some of his brother’s favorite animal, but he just couldn’t get over the fact that his precious little brother just used the word “freaking”, even if it really wasn’t a bad one. 

That’s when Damian noticed it. The plaque giving informations about which kind of elephant it was. …His laughter resonated in the entire zoo. Both you and Bruce went to see what happened, and were face by a son shaking with laughter, and another little one that seemed very confused. When you asked what happened, Damian barely manage to say, pointing at the enclosure next to you :

“It’s a freakin’ elephant !”

And there, there came the laughter. 

Yes. Yes it was an “freakin’ elephant”…Or, for those who weren’t as new at reading as Thomas was, an “African elephant. 

Damian later shared what just happened with his older siblings, and they in turn gave him many occurrences of him being naive or such sometimes. 

Like that time Jason made him believe that the hays in fields covered with white plastics were marshmallows’ fields...But instead of being vexed, Damian laughed with them. 

Because that was what being a little sibling meant. And being the older one meant to see the evolution the small one went through, witness it all, and help out. Be there. 

Finally. Finally Damian felt like he truly understood, what it was to be a big brother ? 

**********

“Saturday, July 12th 20??, Thomas : 6 years old. 

          It took me six years, but I think I know now. After countless study and experiment. After spending hours and hours with Thomas. I think I know what it means to be a big brother. 

         First I had to understand what being a sibling meant. And that was easy. I had good model. Dick, Jason, Tim, Cass. They’re the best older siblings you can wish for (after me, of course). They helped me understand so much...Thanks to them, I finally got what it was, to be a sibling. And here it is : 

        Being siblings means our bond is stronger than any outside force, and we always have someone to lean on. It means late night pillow talks, awkward phone conversations, and insane laughter. It means calling each others over for no reason other than to sit in silence or talk for hours about nothing. One minute I'll be talking to one of my brother about Harry Potter, and the next I'll be talking to my sister about the newest music we're listening to. 

        But being an older brother...Being an older brother goes beyond just that. When you’re the youngest, sure you’re there for them, and you help out. But most of the time, you’re the one being helped, and having the most support. While still having fun ? 

        Being an older brother, it's keeping that balance between letting out my inner child (which I didn’t even know I had for the longest time, and was let out thanks to my older siblings at first) but still looking out for my little brother.

       Basically, it means having a free therapist and the greatest confidante you could ask for. I went to my older brothers and sister many times, in time of need. And Thomas comes to me often, too. When it’s things we can’t tell our parents, you know ? 

        Being an older brother means being there for your little one through thick and thin. There were many times I had to stand up for Thomas even when it was difficult, whether it was to our parents or someone else. And there were even more times when Dick, Jason, Tim or Cass stood up for me. 

        But it also means being a little strict at times. I came to realize that when Dick told me to do something, or Tim, or any of them...It came more from the fact they wanted me to not get into trouble than anything else, and that...That I realized with Thomas. Sometimes, you have to tell your little sibling what to do. But some other times, it’s totally ok to let go. 

        Being a big brother means loving and supporting your little sibling no matter who or what they choose to be or do. That’s what my brothers and sister showed me, and my parents too. And that’s what I discovered with my own little brother. So what if we didn’t have all the same interest ?

        Being a big brother means celebrating individuality and being proud of the fact that your little brother/sister is a part of your family. I’m glad we’re all different, with my siblings. And I’ll never make Thomas feel bad for that. It’s good, that he’s the calmest out of all of us, and had a different kind of life.

        Maybe being an older brother means that occasionally, I take advantage of the fact I can tell Thomas what to do (and how easily he listens to me), but...I am his biggest fan. If he falls, I will always pick him back up (right after finishing laughing, like Jason would say). 

        Yes. It took me six years, but I think I finally know what being a big brother means. I’m glad, because this is the last page of this logbook. 

        One day, I think I’ll give it to you, Thomas. Just in case. If you’re going through a tough time, or you’re not sure of who you really are. To remind yourself I went through the same thing. 

        To remind yourself I had to write, for six years, certain important interactions I had with you so I would understand a simple concept such as “being a big brother”.

        And that Dick did too. It wasn’t easy for him to go from a circus life with his parents to Wayne Manor with mom and dad, who were both rather young at the time, and inexperienced. 

         Jason came from the street, rejected by everyone. Do you think it was easy for him to acclimate to a life where he could finally be at peace ? Nope. And then, when he died and came back ? Ask him, and you’ll know. 

         Cass came a long way. Now, she speaks a lot, especially to you. But she used to be “mute”. And had a hard life. You should ask her, sometimes. 

         Tim struggled with being ignored all his life, and then he came in and suddenly had siblings, and “real” parents. Then I came along and fucked things up a bit (don’t swear)...but he came through, understanding what a big brother was supposed to be. 

         We all came through. Mainly because we had each others. So please Thomas, if you ever feel down, just come to me. Or to them. To us. We’re your older siblings, and that what it means. 

          I’m here for you. We’re here for you. Forever.”

The end 

__________________________________________________

So, y’all know I was very nervous about posting this. I hope it wasn’t a total fail and you enjoyed reading it ? Thank you for reading, and as usual, if you liked it and all, comments and reblogs are always more than welcomed :). Here we go. See you next time with another story. Now, I’m going to go hide in a whole out of fear that you guys will hate this and how different it might be from other stories (as it’s mainly Damian/Thomas centric). 

For those who do not know who Thomas is and are curious, here are the stories from my main Batmom timeline in which he appears : The Great Mall adventure, Master of Diaper, Shaky steps and bad teaching, Polichinelle, “Go away, you’re confusing my baby”, How do you make babies ?, Wild Child 2, “We want them back” and After Batmom’s death

CLICK HERE FOR ALTERNATE ENDING 

[hey-hey-chan]

The Protagonist - Hyunjin

❀ Slice of life 

❀ Warning: mentions of death & covid-19

❀ Word count: 8k 

❀ When your best friend Ryujin cheats on her boyfriend who you’re also friends with, you’re stuck to pick up the pieces of their relationship. When Ryujin starts pushing you away and Hyunjin starts keeping you close, you wonder who was a better friend to you in the first place and uncover new feelings you never knew you had. 

❀ A/N: i know i haven’t written in like a year?? but i suddenly had inspiration to write. Honestly, I felt the inspiration after I didn’t get picked job opportunity I really wanted (and thought I was going to get). I was put on the waitlist, but it still hurt my ego. But, I had some other good news and you can read on my blog about it, but I still wanted to write. I didn’t really have anything in mind, but I just let my words take me where it needed to be. Also, don’t get used to me writing, I won’t be writing often or at all. I’m not that into skz anymore LOL 

------

Do you ever feel like you’re not the protagonist of your own story? 

Yeah, that’s how I feel everyday. 

Especially today.

“Ok, on the count of three, we reveal our statuses ... one... two..”

“And three!” 

I tore open the letter from my dream college, Seoul University, probably giving myself a paper cut in the process. 

“OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, I GOT IN! I got in y/n, holy shit!” I heard my friend’s words over the speaker, but I just couldn’t get the stupid envelope open.

“Fuck this.” I grabbed the scissors nearby and cut the damn thing open, revealing a thin piece of white paper.

I regret to inform you that you have been...

I felt tears well up in my eyes instantly at the words “regret” and “inform”, already knowing where the letter is taking me.

“Y/N?? What does it say?!” 

I cleared my throat. “I didn’t get in...” 

I cried harder, silently, when I heard her moans of agony. “No fucking way! You’re a WAY better student than I am! There’s something wrong.” 

I shook my head. I was a good student, but I wasn’t the best personality. I was only in two clubs: acapella club and bagel club. Not good enough for the best university in our city.

“It’s ok. I have plenty more universities I applied to, I’ll be ok. I’m so, so happy for you though! I swear you’re gonna have so much fun!” 

My stomach churned as I said those words. Did I really mean them? I didn’t feel happy in the moment. 

“Ugh, I hate this... I really thought we would be roommates!” 

I set the pristine piece of paper on my desk; I didn’t even want to look at it anymore. 

“Don’t worry about it. This could even be a good thing! We’ll meet new people and just widen our group of friends. It’ll be awesome. Plus, I’m too weird for this clean cut college.” I joked. 

That made her laugh. “You’re right, they couldn’t handle your personality. Anyways, I got to go to drama club right now, talk later? And again, I’m really sorry y/n.” 

I pursed my lips. “Talk later, and don’t worry about me!” I ended the phone call and let the tears fall freely from my eyes. 

I knew this would happen. 

How could I compete with a chemistry major with a 4.0 GPA and the president of 2 clubs with a bombass personality? I was nothing compared to her. 

I picked up the piece of paper and took one good look at it before crumpling it into a ball and throwing it. The soft thud barely made a sound which was anticlimactic. I was trying to have an angsty teen moment here?? 

Sometimes I felt like I was just a side character in a movie or a book. I was that girl who watched her best friend experience all these things in life and you just stand by them and cheer them on. They are the ones who have a mental breakdown and somehow end up with the love of their life at the end. 

That was my best friend, Ryujin. 

She was the one that every guy and girl fell for. Her charisma bounced off walls and even made me dizzy at times. And it wasn’t even like she was the “girly-girl” that we see in movies, no no no, tomboys are much trendier nowadays. She was confident around guys and wasn’t afraid to embarrass herself in front of anyone. I was insanely jealous of her sometimes which I would never admit. 

She’s funny and adventurous, pretty and athletic: she is everything I ever wanted to be in a person. 

She even had the hottest guy in the school as her boyfriend, Hwang Hyunjin. 

I, on the other hand, was the opposite of her. I wasn’t overly awkward and uncomfortable to be around like the protagonists of some books. I wasn’t even cold and hostile like the mysterious girl in fanfiction. 

No, I was just completely and utterly average. 

I wasn’t “ugly” or whatever that means. You wouldn’t cringe away if you saw me, but the only guys I attract on the streets are the ones who might follow me home. I was friendly to people I met and was the queen of small talk. I was girlier than I wanted to be and try to put on makeup, but end up with botched eyebrows and nonexistent mascara-- that didn’t stop me from trying though. 

I cringed at every horror movie, I hate sports, I love astrology, and the only close friends I have are girls. 

Well, the only friend I truly have is Ryujin and all her friends became mine.

Any who, I was the girl that if a story was written about her, it’d be about 2 minutes long. I never had any big failures or big achievements. No family issues or tragic past. Nothing. I was a normal girl with a normal life. 

And now one who wouldn’t even be going to college with her best friend who she depends on for her social life. Oh yeah, I was a burden too. Now she can’t even be fully happy because of me. 

Great, just great. 

I felt a buzz near the bottom of my foot. I sighed and kicked it towards me. 

‘Ok i wasnt going to ask you this, but i just have to. did you know?’ -hyunjin

I squinted my eyes, re-reading the message to see if I got that correctly. What the heck is he talking about? 

‘what are you talking about?’ 

‘are you being serious?’ -hyunjin

Ok, now this is just weird. I sat up in my bed, suddenly interested in this conversation. 

‘im being serious. i have no clue what you’re talking about. care to inform me?’ 

I sent the text, realizing this is probably the longest conversation Hyunjin and I have had over text. We often hung out in person in groups, since he was Ryujin’s boyfriend and we did have the occasional deep conversation, but talking like this was new territory. 

‘im 100% sure ryu would tell her best friend that she cheated’ -hyunjin

Wait. What did he just say? 

Suddenly I was standing, pacing around the room. 

‘ok, i’ve officially lost whatever ur talking about. what the hell are you saying? ryujin did not’ I typed in confidence, but realized I shouldn’t immediately attack the victim. I erased the message and called him. 

He picked up almost instantly. 

“What the hell did you just say?” I heard him shift around, probably in his bed.

“I said, I’m sure that Ryujin would tell you if she cheated-”

“Ok, that, stop right there. You’re saying Ryujin cheated on you?” I felt my head spin.

Ryujin can’t be a cheater. That’s impossible. And plus, she would’ve told me if something was wrong in her perfect relationship. 

I heard a loud chuckle on his side. “Wow, you really don’t know do you.” I shook my head, but I realized he couldn’t see me.

“Um, I really don’t, so I would really love it if you explained.”

“What’s there to explain? She came to my house two days ago and told me she was cheating on me with Jeongin. Yang fucking Jeongin, who is, yes, a grade younger than us!” 

I winced at his volume. Hyunjin was a lot of things, but he definitely wasn’t a liar. Neither was Ryujin which is why I had no idea what was going on. 

“You have anything to say?” He asked. But I was in complete shock. 

“Well, um... I’m gonna talk to her about this. Bye, Hyunjin.” I hung up the phone and tossed it on the side of my bed despite his muffled talking. 

What the fuck is going on?

-------

“I’m asking you a simple question, did you or did you not cheat on Hyunjin?” 

After Ryujin came home from drama club, I was already there waiting at her door. She gave me a weird look since we live a good 20 minute walk away from each other, but yes, this conversation was worth the exercise. 

“Excuse me, what did you just say?” She asked with a sassy tone, but I had no time for this bullshit.

“Did you cheat on Hyunjin? God Ryu, just answer the question!” I felt my face turning red and I knew I was losing my temper. I had no idea why I was so upset, but I just was. 

I saw her features contort, and I knew I was going to hear the truth.

“Ok, yeah, yeah I did.” 

My heart dropped.

We didn’t say anything to each other for a couple of seconds. It was like we were both taunting each other, which she doesn’t have the right to do in this moment.

“Are you serious? Why?” I asked incredulously. 

She didn’t say anything yet walked passed me and straight to her door. 

“Hey, what the hell?” 

“Y/N, I cheated on him, what else is there to say? It’s done, it happened!” I almost flinched at her tone. It was bitter and angry and it was a tone I was used to with her. 

“What the fuck? Ryu, why wouldn’t you tell me? And this is breaking Hyunjin’s heart-” 

“You know what? I don’t have to tell you everything about my relationship! It has nothing to do with you. It doesn’t even matter, ok? I just don’t wanna talk about it.” 

I stood silently, wondering who was this person in front of me. 

“Fine, I’ll leave then.” 

As I walked back to my house, I couldn’t help but feel like I was stuck in the protagonist’s drama once again. 

-----

It was almost 1am when I got back home. Thankfully, my parents were asleep and thought I was staying the night at Ryujin’s like I told them. I snuck in the house and collapsed on my bed. This was too much emotion for one day. 

I peered down at my phone and saw the light illuminate the room.

‘So. is your world shattered like mine?’ -hyunjin

I bit my lip. Was it weird to text my best friend’s ex-boyfriend like this? Technically, we were somewhat of friends too. So I’m not breaking any rules.

‘this is fucked up. im rly sorry man, she really didn’t tell me.’ I brushed my hands through my hair and felt the sweat sticking to it. I had walked back in the spring heat, it was too much. 

‘Damn, I didn’t think she would pull something like that and not even tell YOU. that’s cold.’ 

‘tell me about it. we were just fine earlier today, dont know whats goin on with her.’ I hesitated before typing the next part. ‘also, i know we arent the closest and ik im also ryu’s friend, but im here for you bro. this is a messed up situation’ 

‘Thanks, that means a lot... most of my friends are making fun of me for getting cheated on... with a JUNIOR. disgusting.’ 

I snorted. ‘technically, if ryujin didn’t skip a grade, she’d be a junior too.’ 

‘y/n, pls don’t ruin this moment’ 

‘fine, fine, disgusting, she cheated on u with a junior. plus ur friends are felix and jisung who are also complete insensitive dickheads sometimes’ 

‘Thank you.’ 

I laughed. Hyunjin was always an interesting guy to hang out with. Sure we never texted or talked much, but he was always a joy to have around. He was quiet in school, but he was animated around his friends. And of course, an awesome boyfriend to Ryujin. 

Seeing them together made me more aware of my singleness. He would open doors for her, give her his jacket when she was cold, pay for her meals, he even knew how to braid hair, like what the fuck? He was perfect.

And then she cheated on him. 

And didn’t even tell me. 

I rubbed my forehead. I was always a fixer. I fixed other people’s problems, which made me quite involved in their issues even if I shouldn’t be. 

‘but seriously though, im rly sorry this happened to you...’ 

‘yeah ... a year down the drain. and plus, i got accepted to Seoul University with her today.’ My heart sank, even when I knew it shouldn’t. 

Hyunjin was a smart guy, maybe a little too studious for his own good. He had lots of fun in high school, but made sure to go home early to events and not drink if he had a test the next day. He spent hours at the library at times and read in his free time, like me. Ryujin always hated it and thought we were too similar at times. Which is untrue because Hyunjin was way cooler than me. 

‘If it makes you feel any better, I didn’t get accepted’ 

‘That actually did not make me feel better and made me even sadder because what the fuck?? you’re an amazing student!’ 

That made me smile of course, the valedictorian was complimenting my intellect.

‘aha thanks, i’ll probably end up going to incheon uni which isn’t too far from here so i’ll be ok’ 

‘That’s good, maybe i should consider going since half the senior class is going to seoul lol’ 

I scoffed. “hyunjin, don’t give up your dream uni just because ryujin will be there. you probably wont see her as often as u think’ 

‘If I decided not to go there, it won’t be because of Ryujin. But seriously, I rarely try anything new and i feel like i’m confined to a small group of people. At least at Incheon, I’ll know less people.” 

I sighed loudly. Oh Hyunjin, it must suck to get a mental breakdown right before going to college. It happens to the best of us though. 

‘well ok, where ever you go, i’ll know you’ll thrive!!’ 

‘:) thanks y/n. also, ik we dont talk much, but i really do appreciate you.’ 

Well, that warmed my heart... and my cheeks. 

The fact that I was texting my friend’s ex boyfriend snapped me back into reality. And the fact that she cheated on him. 

I gulped. 

‘aw thanks hyunjin, i appreciate you too. Now get some sleep! it’s almost 2am’

I didn’t get a response back, and I hoped he fell asleep. I changed into my pajamas and did my nightly routine and fell asleep to thoughts of my friend’s ex-boyfriend.

------

I woke up to several buzzes that tickled my side. I grunted and threw the blanket off of me. I found my phone that was flung somewhere and picked it up. I turned off the notifications to stop the constant moving. 

“It’s too freaking early for this.” I moaned.

I rubbed my eyes and peered down at the message.

‘hey im sorrrryyy for lashing out yesterday. i just feel guilty about the whole thing and i was afraid to tell you... also i think im in love with jeongin’ -ryujin

My eyes naturally widened at this confession. 

Love? Ryujin dated Hyunjin for a whole year! How could she fall in love with Jeongin so easily??

‘excuse me?? what the fuck did you just say cuz i think u just said u LOVE jeongin??’ 

‘stfu. just hear me out, he’s a great guy and he’s just... normal’ -ryujin

Ok, time to call this bitch.

“Define normal?” I heard her sigh and adjust in her bed. She’s always been an early riser.

“Just, when I was dating Hyunjin, it felt like it had to be this perfect relationship. We were all friends before and it just seemed right that we dated. He was super nice and perfect and not to mention, hot, but it just felt superficial. I don’t know.” 

Well this was new. Ryujin never told me much about the problems in their relationship and I thought everything was going well. Well, until now.

“I mean, I get that, you shouldn’t have to date anyone you don’t like. But, you should’ve broken up with him before!” 

“You think I don’t know that? I made a mistake, ok? Can you just get off my back about it?” 

There’s that temper again. 

“Are you serious? You’re the one who texted ME in the morning.” 

“I’m just, whatever.” She paused in between her words. “You just wouldn’t understand ‘cause you’ve never been in a relationship! I just can’t describe it, ok?” And on that note, I just hung up the phone. I was in no mood to play these games with her emotional roller coasters. 

I bit my lip, knowing she would probably call me more times for hanging up on her, but I wasn’t in the mood. I was caught in between two of my friends, and I knew who was in the right and who was treating me better. 

I saw my phone light up a few more times, which made me curious as to what she was sending me.

‘Hey, do you wanna have breakfast with me this morning?’ -hyunjin

I raised a brow. This was not the message I was expecting. 

‘only if you’re paying’

‘deal’ 

-----

Soft r&b played from the speakers as I sipped from my small cup of apple juice, yes, I still drink apple juice. 

“So, how are you feeling?” I finally asked the boy. 

He was wearing a black tshirt and jeans and his hair was messier than usual. I could tell he wasn’t getting lots of sleep. 

“As good as I can be.” He shuffled around in his chair like he had more to say. “Just, it’s still crazy to me. Getting cheated on... it’s a whole new feeling.” 

I nodded, but I couldn’t relate to it. 

“Yeah...” I trailed off, not really knowing what to say or how to cheer him up. 

We locked eyes suddenly and I grew shy. Hyunjin was always hot in my eyes, even though I pretended he wasn’t, for my friend’s sake. And for mine. 

“What did she say when you talked to her?” 

I laughed. “She totally flipped on me and told me to leave. I have no idea what’s going on with her right now. She’s lashing out for no reason.” I confessed. 

“Yeah, she’s acting more temperamental lately. She always had a temper but this time... this time it’s out of control.” 

I nodded, understanding what he was talking about. Ryujin was a feisty girl with lots of emotions. I respect her for being in tune with her emotions, but sometimes her actions go too far. Most guys thought it was hot though. 

“Anyways, I don’t want to talk about her anymore. What about you? Any relationship problems?”

I forced a small smile. “Nope, all the guys that were ‘into me’ were trying to use me to get to her.” 

Hyunjin took a bite out of his sandwich and shook his head. “Stone cold Slytherin.” I laughed at that one.

“Stone cold Slytherin indeed.”

“You know, Ryu has never watched any of the Harry Potter movies?? Which is crazy because I swear the first time we talked to each other it was about what Hogwarts house we would be in.” 

I nodded slowly. “Yes, yes I do know that my best friend has never watched the movies. And it pains me everyday.” He rolled his eyes at my teasing tone. “Also, I think that’s because you guys met in Mrs. Park’s English class which I also happened to be in. Remember, we all were friends first?” 

I thought back to those days, those simpler times. Hyunjin and Ryujin only dated for a year, but they’d known each other since our first year of high school. We were all somewhat of friends, more like acquaintances. But one day, their friendship just went to the next level. 

Hyunjin nodded his head slowly. “Yeah, you’re right. Ryujin isn’t as nerdy as you.” I scoffed, knowing that was not true. I was the dumbest in the friend group. 

“Alright, whatever you say.” I was out of witty banter. 

We called for the check and walked slowly to his car. For a moment, we just seemed like two friends. Two kids from school who were eating breakfast together.

But we weren’t really. I was his ex-girlfriend’s best friend. And he was the guy my best friend cheated on. 

And we were both losing a person who was ignoring us. 

“This is me. See you sometime?” His expression was hard to read and I didn’t know if he was saying this just to be kind or if he actually meant it. Either way, I didn’t care. 

“Sure. See you.” I waved at him awkwardly and he gave me a small wave back.

-------

A few weeks went by and soon, Ryujin and I were back to normal. I still texted Hyunjin quite often, but Ryujin didn’t know that. It’s not like I was lying to her, but I didn’t feel like she needed to know. It’s not like we were going behind her back and doing anything. He just needed a friend, and so did I.

The whole world was on lockdown and school got shut down early. Everyone was locked in their homes and told to keep a distance from each other in public. My electricity bill was off the charts and I was living off of Netflix for entertainment. Sometimes Ryujin came over, but she was the only one I really saw. She was an only child, so I pitied her. 

“Ok, this one or this one?” She held up two outfits that were completely different. One was a dark green shirt that tied in the front and sparkly paired with black jeans that flared slightly at the bottom. The other was a pink blouse with flowers paired with a blue denim skirt.

I looked up from my phone and sat up on the ground.

“That dark green one, it compliments your skin tone and the jeans are cute.” She nodded and tossed the other on her bed. 

“Great, Jeongin will love this.” 

“Are you sure he understands fashion? He’s like 12.” I felt a pillow hit me face in an instant, but the comment was worth it. The age jokes never got old. 

“Shut up! He’s the same age as me, only a grade younger. You know because I skipped a grade.” She bragged. I rolled my eyes and went back to playing on my phone. 

“Okay~ Whatever you say. I’m just saying, your boobies hanging out might confuse him-” 

She gave me a glare to shut me up from finishing. I shrugged and looked down at my phone. 

“Should you even be hanging out with him? We aren’t supposed to hang out with people during this time.” 

Ryujin snorted. “It’s my boyfriend, am I supposed to ignore him? I’d rather die.” I rolled my eyes are her insensitive statement. “Plus, aren’t we hanging out right now? You’re not my family.” Ouch, I’d always considered Ryujin family, but I guess she didn’t feel the same.

“That’s different. We’re best friends and I consider you my sister, since you don’t have one.” I spat. She narrowed her eyes at me and I saw the wheels turning in her head to clap back.

“Whatever, these rules are impossible."

I stayed quiet for a little bit, but I had so much to say. 

“What? If you have something to say, spit it out.” Wow, was her aggressive tone always this annoying?

I threw up my hands in aggravation. “Fine, I just think you’re moving on too fast from Hyunjin. You just broke up with him-”

“I cheated on him.”

“Ok, you cheated on him. Shouldn’t you wait a little longer to get into a relationship? It’s ... It’s sort of cruel.”

She narrowed her eyes at me but her eyes softened. 

“Look, what happened happened already. He knows I have feelings for someone else. I have to live for myself, ok? I’ll see you later.” 

She left the room and I knew that was my queue to leave her house. 

I picked up my phone and checked my messages before I left. I only had one, how popular of me. 

‘what are you doing right now?’ -hyunjin

I furrowed my brows. His timing was impeccable. 

‘um... nothing now. why?’ 

‘can you meet up rn?’ 

My eyebrows rose in surprise. Mr. Rule Follower wants to break the rules of quarantine? Interesting. 

‘... we aren’t supposed to hang out unnecessarily right now.’ I reminded him, just in case he forgot. 

I stood from Ryujin’s floor and started to look for my car keys. The perks of being the youngest sibling is that I was given my older brother’s car when he went off to college. Sadly, he’s back, but we share the car.

‘my mom is sick. shes getting tested today’ 

I froze. 

You never expect those words to come out of your friend’s mouth.

‘where r u?’

------

I got in my car and booked it. It’s like I was moving faster than I could think. 

Hyunjin’s parents were divorced and he lived with his father, so I knew he was safe to be around. But still, he saw his mom during the summers and occasionally throughout the year. They were close.

I drove up to his house and saw him sitting there with his head buried in his arms.

“Shit.” 

I parked on the side of the road and ran out as soon as I could. He jolted up when he heard the slam of my car. 

“y/n-”

I grabbed him and immediately pulled him into a hug. I wasn’t sure why I did it, but it felt right. 

“It’s ok, it’s going to be ok.” I said before I could think. I wasn’t sure she was going to be ok, or if he was going to be ok, but he didn’t need to know that.

I felt him shake as tears he sobbed into my shoulder. 

“She’s so old, y/n. I’m so scared. I hope she doesn’t have it. I fucking hope so bad.” I squeezed him tighter. Tears fell slowly from my eyes as I felt his pain. 

“I’m sorry. We’ll be ok. It’ll be ok.” I rubbed his back soothingly and sat on the steps with him when he calmed down. 

“I’m sorry for being such an emotional mess right now, I hope you weren’t anywhere important when I texted you. Honestly, I called Ryujin first but she didn’t pick up.” He mumbled the last part.

I frowned, but realized why she didn’t pick up. 

“You look guilty, why?” 

I thought about lying to him, but what was the use? 

“I was actually at her house when you texted me... she was getting ready to go on a date with Jeongin.” I admit. 

I saw his face contort and he let out a few strangled cries. I pulled him closer to me and felt his head on my shoulder. 

“I’m sorry, I told her not to go.” 

“Why? We broke up already. She made her choice.” 

He took a small glance at him. His face was red and puffy; his sleep schedule was also not getting better. I knew that because we always texted at 1am. 

“I know my opinion doesn’t matter, but I think she made the wrong one.” 

He turned to face me and we locked eyes. 

Usually with other guys, I’m skittish and sometimes awkward. I wanted to get away from them as soon as I could. But with Hyunjin, I felt at peace. I felt comfortable with him, safe even. 

The boy gave me a small smile and patted me on the back. He rested his head on my shoulder again. 

“Your opinion always matters, and thank you. For everything.”

“It’s not a problem.” I pet his head like I’ve seen in movies. I don’t think I’ve ever comforted a guy besides my brother. And my brother did not like to get his hair pet. 

I guess Hyunjin didn’t either when he shot up. I gave him a startled look.

“What-”

“It is a problem. Why do you run to everyone who needs help, y/n?” 

I froze in my spot, not knowing what to say. 

“Um, I don’t know. I guess I’m just good at helping people. I like comforting people. I like making people happy.” I tried to cheer him up. I did not want him to feel like he was a burden.

Hyunjin moved out of my grasp and faced me. 

“Doesn’t it get tiring though? I’ve never seen you get sad about something. And you got rejected from your dream college that we’ve been talking about for years. Still, nothing.” 

I laughed and looked away. This conversation was getting too focused on me and I wanted to shift the topic immediately. 

“Um, well of course I get sad. It’s just I deal with my emotions better when I’m alone. I don’t mind people seeing me sad I just want alone time when I’m upset.” That was a good answer. 

He wasn’t buying it though. 

A calming silence washed over us for a short moment. He kicked a small rock to the side and it trickled down the steps. 

“Why do I feel like that’s a cop out answer?” 

I was about to give him a snarky response, but I saw the pain in his eyes. He wanted to be distracted from his pain and wanted to focus on me. 

“Do you ever feel like you’re just a side character of someone else’s story?” I blurt out. Immediately, I felt like I shared too much about myself, but I couldn’t take it back. 

His silence made me anxious. So anxious.

I started to shake my leg, a nervous habit I had. Suddenly, he placed a gentle hand on my leg to stop it from shaking. 

“Bad habit. Also, I guess I haven’t before. Because we are actually the protagonists of our own story. Even you.” He peered deeply into my eyes to get his point across. I gave him a weak smile because I knew he wanted to cheer me up. But I didn’t need cheering up, I accepted that I wasn’t protagonist material. I accepted it a long time ago.

But he didn’t need to know that. 

“You’re right. I’m being silly.”

“Oh c’mon, y/n. You’re not being silly. You’re an amazing person. Total main character material!” I raised my brow but said nothing. He knocked gently on my head. “What’s going on in that head of yours?” 

So many things were going through my head. Including the fact that if I were main character material, I wouldn’t be sitting here with him right now. I’d be on some date with a cute guy. And then the whole situation would blow up in my face. And I would learn from it. And everyone would forgive me except maybe one or two people, but I would be ok with that because I learned from my mistakes and am a better person.

But that’s not me. I don’t make mistakes. I pick up the pieces of those who make mistakes. I fix them. I heal them. I’m the one who makes the main character realize they’re a shitty person. 

“Too many things, Hyunjin. Too many things.” I whispered. 

We said nothing for a while until he wrapped his arms around me. 

“I hope your mom is ok.” I quietly said as I rested my head on his shoulder. 

“Yeah, I hope so too. And I hope you realize your worth one day.” 

------

‘she’s not sick!! the tests came back negative!! WOOO! party at my house... ok virutal party lol’ -hyunjin

I cheered alone in my room. The test results came back pretty quickly yet it seemed like forever ago when Hyunjin cried in my arms. And we ended up spending the whole day together after I vented my feelings to him. But that’s besides the point. 

‘that’s awesome bro!!!! im so happy !!!!!!’ 

‘:) Thanks for being the best friend i have right now lol’ -hyunjin

I paused at the words ‘best friend’. I knew he didn’t mean best friend, but it still made me smile. 

Honestly, it was pretty cool being friends with Hyunjin and I wished that we were closer friends sooner. I guess I didn’t want to get too close in case him and Ryujin broke up. I didn’t know I’d be comforting him and not her.

‘ofc. u deserve happiness hyunjin’ 

He didn’t respond for a couple of minutes which concerned me. He would usually tell me if he was busy, but he just left suddenly. 

I tried not to think much about it so I set my phone on my table. I kept peering down at my phone every few minutes, but still nothing. 

I pulled out a good book and started to read a few pages. 

“y/n! I think your friend is here.” 

I furrowed my brows and closed my book with a pink bookmark keeping my page. 

“Friend? Didn’t know Ryujin was coming over.” I whispered. “Ok dad, I’ll be there!” I threw off blanket and opened the door. I shuffled to the front door and opened it. I ignored my dad’s weird looks as he made his way back to his room. 

Once I opened the door, I saw not Ryujin, but Hyunjin. 

His face was bright and I couldn’t help but smile back. His happiness was contagious, which is why he was so well-liked. 

He finally fixed his hair that was getting long due to the quarantine, but it suit him. He wore gray shorts with a sweater on top. 

I was suddenly aware of the gray shorts I had on. 

“Hey, we’re matching.” I said lamely. He laughed with his eye smile which was his best look. “What are you doing here?” 

“Wow, I’m hurt, no hello Hyunjin, I hear you come bearing good news.” 

I laughed. “You texted me said good news.” 

“I know, but I was wondering if you wanted to hang out right now...?” I crossed my arms and leaned against the door.

“Hyunjin, we aren’t supposed-”

“I know, I know, but I’m bored! I’m an only child too you know and I only live with my dad who hasn’t gone anywhere. And neither have I unless to see you. I know you follow the rules, so you’ve probably only seen Ryujin besides your immediate family.” 

I hesitated, wondering if it was the right thing to do. My heart was saying yes, but my brain wasn’t sure.

“Just go, honey. Just be safe.” My dad’s voice boomed. I looked back and saw him giving a thumbs up. 

“Really dad?” He nodded.

“Yes, but sure not to come in contact with any other people.” 

I held my pinky up, and I noticed Hyunjin was holding his up too.

“Promise.” 

------

The roads were so empty. 

“You make me! Feel like I’m living a, TEENAGE DREAM!” 

Hyunjin and I bumped to Katy Perry bops as we drove through a deserted city. 

“Don’t ever look back! Don’t ever look back~” 

“My heart stops!! When you look at me!” I sang. 

“Just one touch, now baby I believe~” He playfully poked me. 

“This! Is! Real! So take a chance and don’t ever look back~” I finished. 

He turned down the volume as we reached our destination. 

An empty parking lot. 

“Aw, how romantic.” I joked. 

“Sorry, not much places were open.” He gave me a small smile as he parked the car and rolled down the windows. We didn’t get out in case other people were around. 

I unbuckled my seat belt and turned to him. He was already staring at me.

“I’m really, really happy about your mom,” I said finally. He smiled, I had never seen him this happy for almost a month now, ever since Ryujin cheated on him. 

“Thank you. Also, thank you for being there when I needed you.” 

I thought back to a few days ago when he was sobbing in my arms. I felt my heart shatter for him. I loved his mom too, she was always around when we were at school and was just a ball of light. 

“It’s no problem.” 

"Right, because you’re ‘a side character’.” He used quotation marks with his fingers to get the point across. 

I rolled my eyes and pushed him. “Stop! It’s true though.” 

He looked at me again, his eyes saying “explain”. 

“Stop giving me that look. It’s completely obvious.” 

“Tell me again, how is this obvious? Because, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but all of your thoughts are yours. You see things from YOUR eyes, your point of view, and whatever. Your life is your life; no one else is the main character y/n.”

I hated when he said my name so much. It reminded me too much of myself. I always made sure to use people’s names in sentences to show that I knew their name and to make them feel special. I knew what he was trying to do. I hated that it was working.

“Look, if I was the main character of my own story, then why would my only purpose right now to be helping yours and Ryujin’s?” 

He flinched at my words. 

“What?” 

I sighed, feeling uncomfortable again when the topic was focused on me.

“You know what I mean. For months now, it feels like all I do is to help Ryujin’s character development. And maybe even yours. She’s the one who makes shitty decisions, I’m the one who fixes them for her. She says stupid things, and I’m the one who makes her apologize. She even gets accepted into Seoul University, leaving me behind. I just feel like everyone is accelerating and changing while I’m static! I’m the same as I was in freshman year, sophomore, junior and now senior. I’m the same person!” 

Hyunjin stayed silent while I ranted. My chest rose and fell from my heavy breathing and my cheeks were dusted with pink. 

“Also, if I wasn’t a side character, would I be here, hanging out with you, to help you get over my best friend cheating on you?” 

He had no response for my words. And I knew he wouldn’t because he knew I was right. I was the push to get them back together. I was probably going to get a text or a call sometime by Ryujin while she begs for them to get back together. Or to ask me to fix this whole situation. 

I was right. 

“You really think I ask you to hang out so much because I want your help to get over Ryujin?” 

His accusing tone shocked me, and it made me nervous. 

I tried not to focus on the police cars passing by and calmed my nerves. 

“Um... yeah, why...”

He wasn’t looking at me initially, like he was focusing on something outside of the car. 

“Y/N, I ask you to hang out so much because I like hanging out with you.” He confessed. 

At my lack of words, he kept going and ran his fingers through his hair.

“Just... this is hard to say... but I-I feel like I made a mistake dating Ryujin.” He blurted. This definitely got my attention. 

“What??”

“Please let me finish.” The desperation in his eyes lulled me to listen. 

“We were a good couple at first, but the chemistry wasn’t there. We never clicked. We didn’t talk about the same things and we could never have a deep conversation. Everything we talked about was so surface level or about her problems. She was fun to be with and a great girl while it lasted, but it wasn’t like when we hung out, even when I was still dating Ryu, we got along better. 

We could talk about conspiracy theories and weird things in history like it was normal! You were always the first one I talked to when I read a new book or if I learned a cool fact. I could never do that with her and I hate that I just realized it after we broke up. And when I started to hang out with you.

It was always you all long, y/n. It was always you.” 

What on earth was going on right now? This isn’t supposed to happen. I was supposed to fix this relationship-

“Ok, I see you’re kind of freaking out. And it’s freaking me out, please say something.” 

My leg wasn’t even shaking, that’s how numb I was at this conversation. 

“I-” my voice trailed off, like I couldn’t get the words out. 

“I have a lot to think about. I’m sorry, I can’t... I-” Tears filled my eyes. I didn’t know what was going on. This stuff never happened to me. Am I supposed to give an answer right away? That’s impossible! I need to talk to Ryujin first and maybe my brother and then just ignore the whole situation. 

“It’s fine, take as long as you need.” 

The drive back was silent, contrary to what it was before. I regret not taking my own car. I regret even hanging out with him in the first place. 

As soon as we got to my house, I got out.

“Thanks for the ride.” I mumbled, because I still had manners. 

“Hey y/n.” 

I paused and turned around, mortified of what he was to say next.

“I meant everything I said when I said it has always been you. I think.. I think if you think about our memories together, you’ll see that. 

I just.. I just needed you to know that.” 

I nodded slowly, unsure of what to say. 

Then he was gone.

-------

My first reaction was to eat my pain away, but I couldn’t even finish my banana. 

Ryujin would never forgive me for dating her ex boyfriend right? That’s girl code 101. Even if she did cheat on him. Or does that cancel out if she cheated? 

I downed a cup of water in anger. 

“Woah, slow down there, you don’t want to drown yourself.” I slammed the cup down and glared at my older brother.

“Chan, please. I’m not in the mood right now.” I tried stomping away from him, but he kept talking. Like always. 

“Uh oh, is it because of your boy? I can beat him up if you want.” I felt my cheeks turn red. 

“No! Don’t beat him up. And he’s not my boy. He’s Ryujin’s.” I muttered. 

“Wooo what? That’s a plot twist! Dad said he was completely smitten with you though. And Dad’s usually never wrong about boys and their feelings. He’s a therapist you know-” 

“I know who my father is, thank you very much! And, ugh, God, I can’t even.” I couldn’t even make it to my room before I collapsed on the floor. 

In the blink of an eye, Chan was sitting next to me. “Woah there, okay, this is some teenage angst I don’t know how to deal with anymore.” 

Anger rushed through my body at his words. And I’m not sure why. 

“Shut up! I don’t have teen angst! I don’t have any problems, ok? Just Ryujin cheated on this guy. And now I don’t know what to do!” 

Chan was silent for a moment, unusual for a person like him.

“What? What do you mean what do you do?” 

“I mean, how do I fix it?” 

Chan laughed. “Fix what?” 

“Fix their problems, are you not understanding what is going on here?” 

Chan stood up, then picked me up. I would usually struggle but he plopped my on the couch, so I was ok with him... for now.

“Y/n, it isn’t your job to fix other people’s problems. How about you focus on your own right now?” 

I peered down at my hands, embarrass to tell him what was going on in my life. I felt like such a trader. I helped my friend her whole life and suddenly, I was catching feels for her ex-boyfriend. 

I opened my mouth to speak, but I got cut off my a buzz in my pocket. Then I got like 10 more. I pulled my phone out and saw the texts from Ryujin.

‘i think i made a mistake’

‘i dont like jeongin that much anymore’

‘hes not a gentleman like hyunjin!! he doesnt even pull out my chair when i sit or open doors for me. plus jeongin is lowkey childish and he is always pulling pranks on me!’ 

‘tell me what 2 do?? how do i fix this?!!??!!?’

‘also my parents are fighting again and it’s sooooo irritating !!!!’

‘sos 911 aaahhhh’ 

“Who is it? What do they say?” Chan asked curiously. I shoved him away from reading my phone. 

“They’re from Ryujin. She’s already regretting dating Jeongin. The guy she cheated with Hyunjin on.” I wasn’t sure the sentence made sense, but Chan would understand.

Chan’s eyes widened. “Damn, dick move.” I gritted my teeth.

“And now, she misses Hyunjin. She says Jeongin doesn’t compare to Hyunjin who is nice and a gentleman. And her parents are fighting again. I got to go help.” I stood up to grab my keys, but Chan stopped me.

“Tell me why you were upset earlier.” 

His stern voice shook me. 

“Y/n, tell me.” 

Suddenly, my tears were unable to hide and fell freely onto my cheeks. Chan’s face didn’t soften, but he let go of my arm. 

“Tell-”

“Fine! Hyunjin told me he liked me. And that he regretted ever dating Ryujin.” 

I fell down on the couch while Chan held me close. He pet my head, like I did to Hyunjin earlier. I guess that was a good comforting tactic. 

“And now, Ryujin wants him back. What am I supposed to do?” I whispered. 

“Do you like him back?” 

I paused. 

Did I like him back? I wasn’t sure...

Chan patted my back and stood. “I’m gonna make us some lunch, sit here and think about it. And don’t you dare think about responding to those texts.” 

Hwang Hyunjin. 

We’ve been in school together since we were kids. We saw each other grow up. We were never close, but we wouldn’t be awkward if we were paired together in a project. 

He was always nice to me. He would remember my name contrary to all the boys in our grade. I faded into the background, especially when I became friends with Ryujin in the sixth grade. 

We were in acapella together and we were always in the same friend groups, especially when Ryujin and Hyunjin got closer. 

Everyone would yell and shout at us if we started talking about a book we just read or conspiracy theory we saw online. Or when we were both contemplating being vegan when we saw a deer get hit by a truck. 

He was the one who encouraged me to wear makeup even if Ryujin told me I was shit at it. He was the one who told me I could join acapella even if I was too shy to be on stage, because he was too. He was the one who dressed up as Harry Potter characters with me when no one else wanted to. He was the one I went to when I wanted to talk about the things I loved most. 

He was the one... He was the one all along. 

“Oh my god. It’s always been Hyunjin. Oh my god.” 

Chan set down a crappy sandwich in front of me, but I was on a mission. 

“You figure it out?” 

“Yes, yes I did! But what do I tell Ryujin?” 

Chan scoffed. “What do you tell Ryujin? She’s the one who cheated on him. And she’s always been a crappy friend to you.” I frowned. Ryujin wasn’t the best friend, but she was my best friend...  

“If she’s truly your best friend, she’ll forgive you for this. So go, go get your manz.” I cringed at his language. He was not as young as he thought. 

Then, I realized something. 

I looked at Chan who was just sitting on the couch, cheering me on. 

“Oh my god, you’re a side character in my story.”

The made him pause before he took a bit. “Uh, ok? Aren’t we all each other’s side characters? The protag will always be ourselves, dork. Now go!”

I ran out the door and checked my phone. Those can be dealt with later. Or right now. I’m not sure. Maybe at the same time. 

I jumped in my car and called Ryujin and put her on speaker. 

“Hello? Y/n?? Where have you been, I texted you like 20 minutes ago! I said SOS!” 

“Am I your best friend?” 

“W-what? Where is this coming from? Yes, of course you are-”

“Then you’ll forgive me for anything right?” 

She paused. 

“Maybe. I’m not sure, you’ve never really done anything wrong.”

I gulped. You can’t back down now.

“Is everything ok, y/n?”

“I have something to tell you. And you’re going to hate me for it.” 

“What?”

There was silence.

“What, y/n, seriously-”

“I have feelings for Hyunjin!” I shouted. 

Dead silence. I could hear the few cars driving in my neighborhood and kids laughing outside. The silence was terrifying.

“You what?” 

“I have feelings for Hyunjin. Your ex-boyfriend.” 

I heard shuffling on the other side. 

“Y-you can’t. He’s my ex-boyfriend. That’s breaking girl code, and I am not over him. What the hell, y/n?”

I felt tears fall from my eyes. This is not how I wanted this to go. But this is what I expected. 

“I’m sorry. But my whole life, I have been living for you. Ever since I met you. And this time, I have to do things for myself. I’m sorry but I- I want to be selfish and I want to make mistakes that you’re gonna have to decide if you forgive me for. 

I want to be the main character of my story right now.” 

“Y/n, wait-”

I hung up the phone. I couldn’t let her get in the way of me living for me. Even if it was selfish and bitchy. I need to make mistakes to grow. And I haven’t made many ground breaking mistakes in the past, but this one feels pretty good. 

I parked outside of Hyunjin’s house and ran up the steps. 

Before I could knock on my door, it opened revealing a disheveled Hyunjin. 

“You came.” 

I was shocked at his sudden appearance, but nodded. 

“I did, um, how did you get to the door so quickly?”

“I was waiting.” A cute blush danced across his face. 

How have I not seen him before? For how I truly feel about him?

For a minute, we didn’t know what to say. 

“I-”

“I-”

We laughed. 

“You first,” he said.

I cleared my throat. 

“Hyunjin, um, I’m not very good at speeches to declare my feelings. Most likely because I’ve suppressed them over the years and haven’t shown them to anybody. 

I’m dumb and stupid and now I’m selfish because I don’t care what anyone thinks right now because I realized that I am falling in love with you.” 

His eyes grew to the size of his hand at my words. 

“What?” 

I laughed nervously. 

“Um, I was .. I was talking to my brother. And I just realized that every moment in my life that I was insecure or unsure of something, you helped me through it. And when I just wanted to talk about something nerdy like a book or a poem that made me cry, I wanted to talk to you. 

It really has been you all along.” I whispered the last sentence, but I knew he heard it. 

He took my hands and wrapped them around his waist. 

“I’m falling in love with you too. I think I always have been a little, which sounds fucking up since I dated Ryujin. But I think we both knew we weren’t right for each other.” 

I nodded, feeling safe in his embrace. 

Then, I felt him hold my face and bent down to kiss me. His lips were soft and it felt like he was hesitant. Before I lost the courage, I pulled him closer. I could feel his smile across my lips. 

He made my heart flutter like I was reading a cute romance novel. 

Except I was in the romance novel now. 

And I was the protagonist.