#im having many emotions today very few related to each other

[acrobaticcatfeline]

Well then.

[hella1975]

I know plenty of people have already talked about that particular line in the last scene of chapter 40 but can I just say thank you for letting kanut be the one to have that moment with Zuko. That genuine moment between these two queer people means so much to me.

As an asexual sapphic I struggle a ton letting these identities coexist. It often feels like I gotta pick and choose between them. So many people have this mentality that people like me are the queer asexuals unlike cis aroace/arohet/acehet folks. Like I'm queer despite my asexuality rather than it being an equal part of my queerness. Reading that conversation I instinctly expected Zuko to realise kanut isn't like him and dismiss that experience and advice as relevant to his situation. But instead you let them relate to each other and I haven't stopped thinking about that.

I went to pride a little over a week ago and found this acearo stand. The guy there told me they had a few WhatsApp groups for aspec people so I gave him my number. I live in a very small country in the Mediterranean basin so there really isn't really an asexual culture here at all. So I thought I'd at least try but I couldn't master up the courage to use the WhatsApp link he sent me. Anyways all that is to say I finally did it today because of this chapter and kanut. Congrats on getting a win over my anxiety.

Completely unrelated the whole thing with Zuko and the flower in his hair hit me so hard as a plus sized person. I've felt so many times in my life I needed to be more masculine and aggressive and to not put any emphasis on my body or my appearance. I know that definitely was not your intention and I'm not even sure if it makes any sense but my ed has been really bad recently and that part made me want to put flowers in my hair and cry in the summer sun.

Sorry if I'm being way too personal with this but that chapter has got me in emotional shambles. So I just wanted to let you know how impactful your writing is. I am never not floored by your insane talent.

asks like this mean the absolute world to me i genuinely treasure them and hold each one so close. im so glad you found something comforting in my writing. it was a personal chapter for me too and it was really important to me that zuko and kanut have that connection where they relate, not see each other as different. idk if it's tiktok or just the internet generation as a whole but there's a really disheartening trend atm of queer identities pitting against each other, competing over who has it worse and sometimes we all just need to step back and remember what unites us. each person has different experiences with their own queerness even if they share a label with someone else. it doesn't need to be a battle and that's what i was trying to show with kanut and zuko and thankfully i think i got that across pretty well based on the overwhelming response ive had from that chapter. it's truly touched my heart so please dont fret about this seeming too personal. you deserve to be recognised and the fact you messaged that group despite your anxiety? knowing i had even a minor part to play in that is going to make me smile for DAYS. i hope they offer you more of a community than what you've received so far. you deserve flowers in your hair xx

[cephalomon]

my thing has always been and will always be pokemon. if you ever need to grab me a gift and you dont know what to get, get me something related to pokemon. a poster, a keychain, a mug, a shirt, a plushie, by god ill even take the cards. nothing will ever make me as emotional or excited or joyful as pokemon. no media i like will ever be liked More than pokemon. if you took me to a pokemon center id be willing to marry you.

i remember being a weird little eight year old girl. im not a girl, but i was a weird little girl at one point in my life. big black eyes and long black hair, and i cried when people talked to loud. i remember moving in with our next door neighbors at our apartment building. we didnt know each other that well, but we were all poor and they welcomed us into their tiny one bedroom apartment. it was already too small for them, too small to house 3 more people, but they insisted on it anyway.

they were both queer people, likely some of the first id ever met in my life. they were also really involved in video game and furry culture. they were integral to the person i am today. my first introduction to so many things that would end up becoming major parts of my life.

i had a little DS that me and my sister played mario on, but nothing else. one of our neighbors, now roommates, let me play her games, and i played pokemon soul silver for the first time.

ever since then, for 10 years, i have loved pokemon. it has never faltered, it has never gone out of style for me, i have never gotten tired of it. almost every interest ive had has come in waves. i rarely Stop liking anything, but it goes quiet and i occupy myself with something else. but not pokemon

pokemon has always been a consant thing, something i am always so excited to see and hear about, something im always trying to interact with, something thats always on my mind. even during the years where my ds was broken, and i couldnt play pokemon anymore, i spent my time watching videos and learning more and eagerly anticipating the day id get to play again.

i remember living with another weird little girl very briefly, i mustve been in 3rd or 4th grade. she asked me to teach her about pokemon, and i spent a lot of time showing her everything i could. i felt like i was a pokemon professor. it was really silly, but i was just little, and i was so proud of myself for knowing all these things and finally having the chance to show someone else. show someone else something i loved so much.

theres no point to this other than, i just really wanted to talk about how much i love pokemon. i feel like ive neglected it a lot lately. even though i still love it, ive been so preoccupied with so many things in my life that ive had few opportunities to just sit down and enjoy pokemon.

i think thats why playing pokemon violet this passed week has been so important to me. its been a really long time since ive let myself get enraptured in pokemon like that. i loved the characters, i loved the region. i have my critiques, sure, but i really liked these games. and i really love pokemon

[ruby-whistler]

Srry but i noticed in one of ur dream posts u Referred to tommy's cat as hope. I must correct u, that cat was born pussbou and died pussboi. /lh Also tommy killing that cat was nothing compared to dream killing mushroom henry in exile btw just wanna say Also for ur posts about dreams trauma or wilbur manipulating him can u provide links to vods or other proof? Srry if i seem rude i mean that in a "genuinely curious way"

Aaa sorry if my ask came off as rude im just genuinely curious :(((

hi! dw, you don't seem rude at all, and i'm extremely happy someone with a different perspective has found my blog! i really appreciate that sort of attitude and am happy to answer :]

/dsmp /rp

the cat was called pussboy by tommy, but dream only called it "the cat" and then said that "it was hope", which is why it sort of became a symbol (his hope is dead, basically) - that's why i kind of made its name capitalized, because it was more of a metaphor than anything.

most c!dream fans call the cat hope because it's just really nice and really symbolic, and also really sad when you think about it. that's why the name was used in the essay, just to clear up the confusion!

tommy killing that cat was nothing compared to dream killing mushroom henry in exile

i don't really think so? mooshroom henry was entertainment more than anything, and even if it was bad, when watching the stream i don't remember seeing him mourn that much - on the other hand, dream was very quickly and very obviously attached to the cat, with it being his only companion in months of isolation, along with the hope that even when tommy left it would keep him company.

keep in mind c!dream has been deprived of stimuli and human contact for so long it's officially classified as psychological torture at that point.

i don't mean to compare trauma or even compare deaths - because honestly, what c!dream and c!tommy have gone through individually is incomparable and i think neither should be diminished in favor of the other since they're both terrible situations.

that's why i disagree that it "was nothing compared to" - it had an obvious effect on c!dream, and was still c!tommy killing an animal specifically to hurt him, no matter what reasons he had.

when i'm talking about effects people's actions have had on c!dream, i'm not talking about those people. i'm talking about him. :) /lh

as for the trauma, a lot of people agree that a lot of the things he says or does are trauma responses, and hence it's very possible that he's had trauma before he went into prison!

this includes being repeatedly called a tyrant via propaganda by about half of your friends who decided to betray you, trying to keep peace and being pushed deeper into villainy instead, repeatedly being put in between a rock and a hard place in order to make sure the people you care about don't start killing each other, then being betrayed by your closest friends after merely trying to keep peace (sapnap & george) and just in general having no control over your life or image and grasping at straws to gain it back.

i know a lot of people with trauma who heavily relate to certain trauma responses, which aren't always just shaky breaths and flashbacks, but trauma often also manifests itself in extremely ugly and destructive ways, both inwardly and outwardly.

trying to control the people around you is also very often a response to going through trauma, as well as emotional repression which is... rather evident on c!dream during season two. it only seems to get worse with repeated abandonment.

in the end, during the vault scene, the way he acts really just isn't at all the way a healthy person would act, and a lot of his really bad mindsets come from the way he was taught by the world around him.

the character is very reserved however, and since we don't have his pov we can't really say for certain - a lot of people claim it in good faith because they have a lot of evidence for it, and i think they're certainly valid in that.

that is just before the prison, however. from what happened during the prison arc? there is no denying he's traumatized at this point.

he's been emotionally and physically abused by c!sam since the very beginning of being imprisoned, and being in solitary confinement for over two weeks is generally considered psychological (and maybe also physical?) torture. that alone shows up in a lot of symptoms of his mental deterioration while in pandora's during people's visits, and quackity's "sessions" just absolutely drove the point home.

what he's gone through during this arc is absolutely incomparable to anything others charactes have faced before, and it's just plain suffering being endured by someone who is, despite everything, still a human being.

as for the wilbur manipulation thing!! it's talking about the whole vassal scene (though even beforehand a lot of their interactions are pretty iffy), and here's a post about that :]

I also have a small question about the analysis u last reblogged cus it says "why dream needed lmanburg gone rightfully" and like. The house analogy is poor because for one cus the land is infinite. And 2 cus punz's yard was literally larger then lmanburg. And also stuff about dream being a mediator? Can u provide examples?

i wouldn't say it was poor. dream's said a lot of times that he didn't care in the slightest about the land - a lot of his problems with l'manberg arose with the fact that wilbur basically built it on lies and tried to disallow half of the server to come there. c!dream was mad about the division and the fact that wilbur wanted "freedom" to have authority in his lands - over others, as can be seen in this post also.

the table analogy was fitting not because dream was some overlord, but because these were literally friends he invited to hang out and live in a place he wanted to call home. claiming a part of it for yourself and saying people of a certain nationality can't come in is directly opposing those goals.

in the early days of the smp, dream's always been a mediator between his friends - sapnap and george, who would often get into fights and go around killing each other! he would always do his best to stop the conflict, which continued after tommy joined when he took him to court and then later tried to mediate conflicts he was a part of, which resulted in tommy killing him unprovoked, stealing his gear, and starting the disc wars when dream was trying to get his stuff back. later, during pogtopia, he is also most concerned with peace over everything, and this seems to continue indefinitely after.

Today i was thinking about how messed up the final control room was. Like. Dream arranged the betrayal and punz and sapnap killed tommy and tubbo who like. Were literal children and their pals (because the author, wilbur soot, is dead/j but srsly if u take the streamers words tommy said he was 9 during the revolution sooo)

Sorry im gonna ramble about how dumb canon ages are for a second cus like. Streamers can say the characters are one way or another (wilbur saying he is mentally 30-something, etc.) But in the end the characters act like they(or at least their streaming personas) do.

i... honestly don't find it that bad? they were in a war, and the final control room was basically just supposed to end it quicker. the l'manbergians made it clear they were going to fight to the death, so they really left c!dream no other choice. and it's not like he didn't give them chances to give up.

also yeah the 9 year old thing was retconned, because in that case c!dream would've been 14 and i don't think that's true.

c!tommy and c!dream were both young and once again, in a war. the final control room was an attempt to assure victory, which both sides would've taken if possible, but only c!dream saw he had the option.

i do agree the whole child soldier thing was bad but... complain about that to c!wilbur, methinks. he talked naive kids into fighting for his personal power. however, the age argument isn't really valid either way. they had enough agency to sign up for it, and whether or not c!wilbur pushing the intense nationalism onto them had something to do with that is another debate entirely.

Bacl to final control room cus like??? Also fun fact punz took 2 of wilbur's canon lives. And like that probably is what started wilbur's paranoia which later lead to his spiral and i. Many thoughts full of lmanburg today.

i'm pretty sure cc!wilbur said what lead to c!wilbur's spiral was a "dark, twister view of possessions" and "disregard for his fellow citizen whom he claimed to love so much", but i really wouldn't say it was the control room; if anything the sudden loss of power after the elections seems to me like the trigger for his spiral.

I watched the exile arc live and. I feel dirty almost for feeling little to no sympathy for c!dream (srry ive been forgetting to add that aa) because of his actions toward c!tommy and like. The whole probation was so humiliating and unfair and c!dream was planning to frame him for the crimes he and puffy did under the the guise of "pranks" and c!quackity was planning to seize the vice president role.

i mean... to be fair, if you didn't watch the prison arc much yet or only watch tommy's perspective i understand not feeling that sympathetic - however, i encourage you to maybe watch a few prison visits, since they could help you see the whole picture better!

i also watched it live, and i also thought it was terrible, but i share very much the same sentiment for the prison arc because. absolutely no one should have to go through either of those things, you know?

i don't think probation was that humiliating? he was just. being asked to not start conflict with the other factions for two weeks. of course, what happened as a result is in no way justified, but i don't think probation itself would've been bad at all. either way yeah the framing and c!quackity's behaviour was. very yikes, i agree.

Also c!tommy antis are dumb because they say "he deserved exile angry emoji" i dont see u saying that about ranboo. Just say you hate cc!tommy and go. Also people say c!tommy was just as toxic to c!dream and i??? No. One is the victim and one is the abuser and like. :/// man. This part is rambly srry

i wouldn't say they hate cc!tommy? cc!tommy has a persona who people think is annoying at first ( but then they subscribe because he is super entertaining big man! ) but a lot of c!tommy's actions are straight up toxic to certain characters, such as c!funndy and c!jack. he has a very dismissive attitude towards others and their trauma and it does affect the people around them very negatively.

examples; his repeated bullying and behavior towards fundy:

Tommy: “Fundy, I’m just here to kinda let you know that I – if you weren’t Wilbur’s son, you would be out of L’manburg, alright? Just remember – you need to keep that relationship with your father. I saw how asshole-y and bratty you were acting in the courtroom the other night. You need to pull your shit together young man.”

......

Fundy: “I’m wearing glasses…are you making fun of my eyesight?!”

Tommy: “Yes.”

Sapnap: “Your father would be very disappointed.”

Fundy: “Wh – disappointed for wearing glasses?!”

Tommy: “You got glasses, like what are you wearing…”

Fundy: “What do you mean?”

Tommy: “Sapnap, Sapnap, over here. Fundy, Fundy, Fundy, I’m really sorry to say this – I’m just here to publicly denounce you.”

Fundy: “…What?”

( credit for transcript: @/findingjoynweirdstuff )

he's also responsible for a big chunk of c!jack's trauma, both with actions and words, and that's why i think certain people might dislike the character, and i don't think that's wrong of them. anyone can dislike any character they want if they don't attack people for liking them, in my opinion.

also c!tommy was most definitely toxic against c!dream in the cell. it's of course understandable but that doesn't change the fact he was constantly hitting and insulting him (without dream doing anything back for a long while until he snapped) which is toxic behaviour.

i wouldn't say he was "just as" though, so i agree with you on that. they're different and they behave differently.

i made a dream blob keychain today. Is it possible to send images if u wanna see? Idk cus i havent used tumblr before. I think that's all for now. Thx for letting me talk :D peepoShy -curious anon (but fr a connoreatspants c!dream redemption arc would be cool)

yooo that's cool! i don't really,,, know if it's possible to send images? try it out and if it isn't i'll try find a way to turn it on.

also, no problem! just please remember this is a c!dream sympathetic blog, and me as well as my followers are uhh,, oftentimes emotionally attached / personally relate to the character, so if you could avoid sending hate on the character (not that you have or that i expect you to, just a friendly reminder) in the asks that would be great! we already see a lot of it unwillingly so, i'd rather not see more, but as long as the discussion is civil i'm absolutely ok with you asking more and with me answering more questions if you'd want to! :)

if anyone else would like to reblog this and add some things i might've missed with my answers, feel free to, just go easy on her (she uses she/her pronouns!) and keep it factual.

i hope u had a good or at least ok time at school today :D

thanks! i gtg now because exam tomorrow but i'm going to try write the redemption essay tomorrow as well because ohhh boy i have a lot of ideas about what all i could write around the concept.

also sorry this was long, i can't keep my tongue on the leash :[

[cheeriecherry]

I love your work so much!! I love how you handled the student x teacher request, given that I had some misgiving towards it, but I love how you write it!! May I request sum ,, Tamaki hc's? both nsfw and sfw?? The idea of him being a lowkey dom and confident behind closed doors is just 👌 I love you! Hope you have a good one today, and eat lots of delicious food!

Ofc!

Requests are temporarily closed while I catch up on them!

Warnings: nsfw below the cut, some like dom/sub mentions but it’s p tame bc im a vanilla bean lol

SFW

-Anxious bean. I relate to him lol

-He’s such a good boyfriend tho, ngl. He’s quiet and soft most of the time, and he’s really attentive to you and good at listening. He’s kind and sweet and treats you well and with respect.

-You’re one of the most important people in his life! You and Mirio! So it probably won’t be strange if you end up befriending the blond too, like, he’s just so easy to get along with and Tama would be so happy if his two favourite people were on good terms.

-Dates are usually pretty low key, going out for quiet lunches or to niche places that aren’t usually densely populated. Sometimes you guys will go to the mall to shop around, but that’s more rare. He prefers quieter and more intimate places, where he can talk to you and spend time with you.

-Once you guys move into the dorms, it becomes a little harder to go on actual dates, so you have to make the most of it. Study dates, video game dates, just hanging out in the same room and doing your own things dates, walks around the gardens, picnics under a tree on the weekends. Sometimes even training!

-You guys probably have sleepovers a lot, where you cuddle up in a mound of pillows and watch crappy movies. Bonus points if it’s a scary movie! Creepy stuff doesn’t really bother him, but the jumpscares always get him, even if they’re obvious. He has to hide his face in your shoulder for several minutes after one happens, which means it’s optimal for cuddling.

-Absolute cuddle bug. He’s kind of nervous about physical contact at first, but once you ease into it in small increments, it becomes really important to him. Catch him out there with his arm around your waist or your hands linked together, hugs and cheek kisses before class. Even on the weekends, he’ll come to your room and flop on your bed, looking at your with puppy eyes until you come over and lay beside him and let him hold you.

-He’s not huuuuge on graphic PDA, and wouldn’t do anything scandalous in public, but he likes having a hand on your or sitting closer than friends would. It might be subtle, but a little piece of him wants everyone to know that you’re taken, and that he’s proud to be seen with you, even if his gestures are small.

-He’s also really good at comfort. If you’ve had a bad day, or are just stressed about something, he’ll let you talk to him about it in detail, and he’ll really listen. Sometimes he’ll give you advice if you want it, sometimes he’ll offer to help you (if it’s something like schoolwork or you’re falling behind in training), other than that, he’ll let you know that he’s a safe place for you to come to and be heard.

-If you’ve also got some kind of anxiety, and aren’t able to do something, his own fears are suddenly less strong. Like, he understands what it’s like, and he wants you to be able to get what you need, so he’ll put up with his fears for your sake. Even if you both have to go home and lay down after and complain to each other about how much anxiety sucks.

-Once he’s comfy around you, he comes out of his shell big time. He’s still quiet, but at the same time he’s the friend who never shuts up once you get to know them. When it’s just the two of you, or you and Mirio, he’s always saying something about something, telling you about his day, asking about yours, wondering your opinions on things. It really shows how much he trusts you.

-Make sure you tell him you’re proud of him, and be genuine about it! Praise him for things he’s accomplished in spite of his anxiety, and tell him what you love about him. Hearing those things out loud from someone whose opinion he values really means a lot to him, and silently tells him that you see him and see how hard he works.

NSFW

-Like casual affection, sex if a thing you gotta work up to, and slowly. He’s super nervous at first, because he really has no idea what he’s doing and he’s too shy to look it up, but he really wants it to be good for you too.

-He knows like, the basics of how it works, he’s not completely clueless. He just doesn’t know the intricacies or tells of your body. You’ll have to be really verbal and honest with him about how he makes you feel. It’ll prove to him that he’s making you feel good, and also rile him up. 

-The first few times you guys sleep together, it’s kind of messy and he’s embarrassed as hell and neither of you last very long. There’s probably some awkward moments where one of you makes a weird sound and you both burst out in giggles, or one of you gets a cramp at the worst time.

-But you guys keep trying, because he really loves how close he feels to you during those moments, both physically and emotionally. Plus it’s just fun, y’know? It passes the time, it’s a good workout, and you guys get to learn even more about each other.

-It’s not for a while that you learn he’s got a more dominant streak sometimes. Most of the time it’s a pretty equal playing field, with both of you giving and taking and asking and demanding, but sometimes he’s had a rough day, or he’s just feeling particularly bold or lustful.

-He won’t order you around too much, but he’ll definitely make suggestions or what he’d like you to do, and imply that if you do it you’ll get a reward. As if doing as he says isn’t reward enough. He’ll definitely be more vocal during those times, saying filthy things to you and telling you how good you look on your knees/wrapped around him/etc.

-And he always makes sure to reward you when you do good.

-He’s not so big into negative or super painful punishments if you defy him. Like, he doesn’t want to leave you crying, even if that’s something you want, I just can’t see him wanting to genuinely hurt you that much. He still has a soft and tender heart.

-But say....he tells you not to come, or not to touch yourself, and you do it anyways, then he’ll turn your rewards into a punishment. Like oh, you want to come? Okay, he’ll give you as many orgasms as you want and then some, until you’re overstimulated and begging for him to stop. He won’t stop, unless you safeword him, or until he’s satisfied you’ve learned your lesson.

-He’s not opposed to light painful punishments though, like spanking you until your ass is sore and making you count each smack for him, or putting little heart shaped clamps on your nipples to make them super sensitive, or holding a vibrator against you while he curls his fingers inside you, only to pull it away at the last second and leave you hanging.

-Ngl it’s kind of hot when he gets confident, and having him control you a little bit makes you needy. For rewards? For punishments? Who knows, but he’s happy to dish them both out depending on how you behave.

-No matter what kind of sex you guys have though, aftercare is always important to him. Cleaning each other up, cozying up together in bed, sharing pillowtalk and soft touches and gentle smiles. He just really needs some kind of emotional intimacy to go along with the act, whether it’s during or after the fact. He wants to make sure you know that he loves you a lot (as if him treating you like an angel didn’t already show you).

[carnelianns]

♆ with Comte, Theo and Jean please?

u guys really like ur jealousy huh?? and to answer the anon, im willing to do aus but yandere aus aren’t really my thing

♆ - jealousy headcanon

Leonardo da Vinci

Leonardo isn’t very vocal about, well, his feelings, much less his jealousy. And in general, it takes a lot for him to get envious. Unless you push the right buttons — purposely or not.

He hates it whenever your plans with him are ruined because of something work-related, or because of another resident whisking you away.

“Cara mia, join me in the library today?” He asks, to which you only shake your head regretfully.

“Sorry, Leo, but Sebastian needs help in preparing the banquet to celebrate Vincent’s successful showcase.”

He nods understandingly. The next day, he tries once more, only to get the same reaction.

“Isaac asked me to help him last week. I’ll make it up to you tomorrow!”

Slightly irked, he tries again the next day.

“Mozart asked me to listen to his piece. I don’t know why, but…”

Mozart. Is this a joke? His stare is dubious, though he only nods once more.

The next day, you’re slightly surprised at the fact that no one in the mansion needed your help anymore. You remember having plans with Dazai to go out of town, though when you asked him, he simply shrugs. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Cara mia, are you free now?” Comes Leonardo’s innocent question, a knowing smirk on his face.

“... What did you do?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” You stare at him until he finally caves, sighing. “Perhaps I threatened them a tiny bit to leave you free today…”

“Leonardo!”

“We don’t spend time together anymore,” his bottom lip juts out ever-so slightly, a sight you rarely see. “Is it wrong to want my cara mia to myself?”

Biting your lip, you shake your head after a few moments. As if doing a full 180, he smirks, slowly pinning you to the wall.

“Now, I guess we’ll just have to make up for all the time we couldn’t spend together, right?”

He just really wanted you to see the new invention he made in his library. Leonardo only laughs at your precious pout, making it up to you by showering you in kisses.

Theodorus van Gogh

Theo’s very silent when he’s jealous so, more often than not, you notice it far too late.

Whenever you’re laughing with another resident, or tending to one of their wounds, he’s always, always staring, a glare on his face and his jaw clenched.

He absolutely despises whenever he’s jealous of Vincent, of all people. Theo doesn’t know what’s worse — his brother’s worried face, or your oblivious look.

When he catches the both of you in the art room, you wiping some paint off of Vincent’s face intimately, he can only stare for a moment before leaving the room, slamming the door shut behind him.

“Theo, wait up! Theo! Theodorus van Gogh!” You say, tugging on his arm. He turns towards you, the gaze in his eyes so intense that you have to step back for a moment.

“... What’s wrong, Theo?” You ask softly, caressing his face.

Theo stares into your eyes for a while, almost as if searching for something, anything, before pulling you close, collapsing his head on your shoulder like a little child.

“You just.. looked so happy with Vincent.” His voice is muffled, dejected, almost broken, causing your heart to clench painfully. “I absolutely hate this ugly feeling.”

“You know that I only love you.” Your soft, reassuring whisper into his ear only causes him to sigh. “I belong to you, Theo.”

He slowly lifts his head, meeting your gentle smile. “And I’ll say this again and again until you believe it.”

Give him some time. He’ll need a lot of it to finally believe that he’s worthy of you, of your love. Theo is a broken man, but he thinks, hopes, knows that with you, he can get through anything.

He’d wish for a lot of skin-to-skin contact as a reminder that you’re his. More often than not, it’s just you two laying in each other’s arms in silence as you babble on and on about a certain topic.

Whenever he’s feeling a bit more angry than usual, however... the most you can do is accept the silent prayers of the residents as you’re whisked off to his room.

Jean d’Arc

He’s not very good at hiding his jealousy, and you can often tell when his eyes narrow at the person you’re currently chatting with, or when his grip on your waist tightens infinitesimally so.

You’re left to pick up on the clues because the poor boy’s quite unaccustomed to his feelings, even more so his jealousy. However, when you don’t notice your lover feeling particularly envious, he simply distracts himself, going off to do whatever will help him get his mind off of the ugly emotion.

He’d rather keep it bottled up than confront you about it, though you always end up catching on in the end.

So when you had brought some snacks to the practicing Jean and Napoleon only to partake in a fun, little conversation with the latter, Jean could only frown, quietly leaving the room.  

“Hey, your boyfriend isn’t here anymore,” Napoleon points out, an incredulous look on his face.

Throwing him an apologetic look once you scour the premises, he laughs, waving it off dismissively. “It’s fine. We were already done anyways.”

You give him a quick “thank you” before darting off towards the garden wherein you find a wistful Jean staring at the flowers.

“Jean, tell me what’s wrong.” You sit down beside him, a worried look on your face as you rub circles on his shoulder.

His head snaps towards you, wide-eyed, before his eyes lower, struggling to voice his thoughts.

Then, “I just.. do not know why my heart clenches so painfully whenever you talk to Napoleon.”

“Jean, it’s normal to feel that way, okay? Don’t worry too much about it,” you say after getting over your initial shock, pressing a sweet yet short-lived kiss on his lips, causing his head to snap towards you, cheeks flushed.

Before you know it, his lips are on yours once more, attacking them all until you look positively kissed and your lips are swollen — just how he likes it.

Comte de Saint-Germain

Though he’s very used to locking up all his silly emotions, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel them. And jealousy is no exception.

The Comte’s jealousy would be subtle, in the way he whisks you off to his room when he feels you’re spending too much time preparing snacks for the others, or how he so gently pulls you out of the library, away from a smirking Leonardo. 

And, more often than not, the aforementioned man is the source of many of the Comte’s envious bouts. He can’t help it — he doesn’t think he’s seen his old friend ever this enamoured by someone, and it’s simply enjoyable teasing the cool-headed Comte.

“Ma cherie, what’s gotten you so happy this particular evening?” Comte asks your smiling form with his own, small grin. The light in his eyes leaves at your next words, however.

“Leonardo and I went out to town!” Your ramblings continue despite the hollow reactions of your beloved.

He isn’t very keen on punishments and would rather get to the root of the problem first so, excusing himself for a moment, he quickly makes his way towards the library, gives a nice punch to a smirking Leonardo’s shoulder, then makes his way back to your lounging form in his bedroom.

Quirking a brow, you tilt your head at the man, “That was quick. What’d you do?”

Placing his arms on either side of the armchair, he lowers his face towards yours, a handsome smile on that elegant face of his. “It is nothing you need to be concerned with, princess.”

And before you could even react, his lips are on yours, kissing you in a way that only leaves you speechless when he finally pulls away.

It had been a long night. You should have known when he pulled out the “princess” card.

[mybiasisexo]

Oh, Brother

Genre: Angst | Fluff | College!au 

Pairing: Kai x Reader

Length: 7.5k

Warning: Unfinished | Language | Love Triangle (I know, but hear me out!!)

Summary: You’ve finally started college and are getting the full freshman year teen romcom experience and it’s not as great as you though it would be, but a certain ballerina (ballerino? I googled it and its ballerino in Italian [quote unquote] but in French they are a danseur and im rambling) might be the calmness you’ve been needing...that is until you meet his brother....

Author’s Note: I plan on turning this into a scenario??? Question marks cause idk if I want to turn it into a chaptered fic instead??? Anyways I wrote this back in like 2014 so its kinda dated but it is what it is yall. 

MASTERLIST

credit

With the arrival of the bell came the flood.

You got caught in it. Dragged into the depths of the sea that was the main hall. You grunted and fought against the current, as students barged their way past you, slamming roughly against your shoulders as you clutched onto your books for dear life.

It seemed never-ending, it actually felt like you were moving backwards as more and more people rushed, trying in vain to arrive to their next class on time.

You didn’t think that college would be like this.

You thought it would be peaceful and calm, like a pond or a small lake.

Not the damn sea during a hurricane.

It was probably because it was the first day, and everyone was still trying to catch their bearings. Or because this hall was seriously the most used and classes held up to two hundred people. Whatever the reason, you felt a sudden panic attack crawling up your throat like a corpse clawing out of the grave. You knew that very soon you would lose it, and so you began to count in your head to calm yourself down.

“I…2…3…4—” push “—5…6—” shove “—7…..8….9….”

Before you could lose your cool, you broke the surface and felt the cold wind snap deliciously against your damp face. You closed your eyes and sighed with relief as you realized that you had won.

You battled against the human sea and you beat it victoriously.

But could you deal with that every other day?

You shuddered as the thought hit you and decided to ignore it for the meantime. You had to admit, despite that near death journey you had just trekked, your first day as a college student wasn’t as bad as you—and your parents, not to mention your little sister—had imagined. Today was Monday, and on Mondays, you had three classes: English 1102, Math 1143, and Introduction to Art.

You had just left the math department and now had a couple hours to kill before your last class.

You decided to call your best friend, Suho, and see if he had escaped his side of campus.

“Hello?” He answered happily—did he have any other emotion?

“I nearly died just now. This hallway is lethal, I don’t know if I’ll make it.”

“Well, I’m glad you made it out alive. When does your next class start?”

“In two hours. Wanna get lunch?”

“Absolutely, I’m starving. Meet me at the Student Union building?”

“Okay, see you then.” You hung up and tried your hardest to recall just where exactly the Student Union building was located.

Nearly twenty minutes later, you stumbled upon the holy land. You found Suho almost immediately and rushed over to his table.

“What took you so long?” He wondered, munching on a fry.

You plopped down in the seat across from him and let out an exhausted breath, “I forgot how to get here. I had to backtrack like four different times.”

He sighed, “You could have called me, I would have helped you.”

“I’m aware,” you dismissed, stealing a fry from his tray. He frowned, but didn’t do anything to stop you from stealing another one.

“It’s the first day, and I’m already beat,” you muttered after you had returned to the table after leaving him briefly to buy a cold sandwich, a bag of salty chips, and a bottle of green tea.

“And it’s not even over yet,” Suho reminded you with a smile on his face.

“Can you not? I don’t want to think about that just yet.”

“At least it’s art. You can unwind in your last class. My last class is Physics, there is no unwinding in physics.”

“You’re smart, you can literally handle anything.”

He cocked his head to the side and studied you. Once he caught your attention, you stuck your tongue out at him and drained your drink, smacking your lips obnoxiously when you were done.

“it’s a wonder we’re even friends,” he mused aloud around his sandwich.

You shrugged, “you still have time to run.”

He grinned, not missing a beat, “I wouldn’t even dream of it.”

You held out your semi-empty plastic bottle, “I’ll drink to that.”

He chuckled and lifted his own soda can, your drinks clinking exotically together, confirming your status as best friends for life.

Which Suho was. The two of you had known each other since you were five. Your fathers were childhood friends that lost contact after college, but somehow—when the two of you were five—reunited and stuck to each other like glue. Even opening their own music store together. Kim Junmyeon, who was lovingly addressed as Suho, and you grew up at the music store, learning how to play different instruments as well as the ropes to owning a business, and the chemistry between your fathers ultimately rubbed off onto you, causing yet another family-like bond.

“You are taking piano, aren’t you?” You asked him a few minutes later.

His attitude shifted instantly as his smile faltered a tad. It was barely noticeable, but you could read this young man in front of you like a book.

“Junmyeon,” You said warningly, using his real name to show how serious you were.

He sighed, “I want to. I just… so much is already on my plate, and I didn’t want to burden my parents with another credit and…”

“And you just didn’t want to,” You finished for him. You lowered your voice, “I thought you liked music.”

“Of course I do, but that’s something our fathers love. Music is their dream, not ours.”

You pouted. He was right, even you weren’t taking any classes related to music, but you were still planning on practicing the viola on your own time. Music was in your blood, it was just as unavoidable as Suho. You didn’t know what life would be like without it, and quite frankly, you didn’t want a life without it.

Suho adored music more than you did. When his father first taught him how to play the piano, he had to be forcefully removed from the bench. There was nowhere else he would rather be, and as he grew, so did his talent. He was so talented, that he won many competitions, and even wrote compositions for many popular songs heard on the radio today.

He was a prodigy.

You? Well, you just liked to play. You were nowhere near as good as Suho, despite the many things he had told you, and you knew that and was fine with it. For you, it didn’t matter if you won or lost, as long as you got to play. You learned how to play the guitar, clarinet, drums, and even the piano, but nothing called to you like the viola. It was an extension of yourself, and Suho once said that when you played, people could tell you transported into a different realm. You were in your own little universe, and would only return once the piece was finished.

“It can be both, couldn’t it? You play so well…” You could tell Suho felt uncomfortable and would rather not discuss the matter anymore, so you just let your sentence carry. Instead, talking about everything else and nothing for the rest of your time together. “Well, my class is about to start in ten minutes. Luckily, I know where the art building is. I’ve only been going there since I was twelve.”

You tried to laugh, but got nothing out of Suho. His smile still plastered on his face, but his eyes dull as he pulled himself up and collected your trash, throwing it in the trashcan and following you out into the crisp fall air.

The art building was very hard to miss. It was one of the bigger buildings because the college you attended focused mostly on the arts, and was painted a bright blue, while every other building was a tan brick color.

“Paint me something nice, alright?” Suho said once you both stopped outside the doors of the building.

You rolled your eyes, “You know I suck at painting, Su, I’m more of a charcoal person.”

He shrugged, “I still want a painting. Charcoal is so boring.”

You smacked his shoulder, “go. Before I lose my temper.”

He laughed and held his arms up in surrender, “We wouldn’t want that now would we?”

He sauntered away and left you to stare up at the intimidating building. Hesitantly, you pried the glass door open and scuttled into the structure. Noise overwhelmed you. You could hear many people tuning their instruments, and the noise of a teacher counting and the soft thud of footsteps. If you listened harder, you could faintly make out people singing.

It was beautiful.

The cacophony of sound settled around you in a somewhat numbing hum, beckoning you to walk even deeper within the building. Almost all the doors were open and you peered into each one, loving everything that you saw. A chubby boy wailing away on his trombone. A lanky boy with a mop top and a short thick girl with glasses singing a duet. What appeared to be an African dance class. A trio practicing on their violins. A boy twirling about in an empty dance room.

You paused once you glanced inside the dance room. He was doing barrel turns across the room, and when he reached the end, he pirouetted for what seemed like a long time, stopping smoothly with one foot resting in back of him and his arms held out in the perfect stance.

He was breathing hard as he dropped his position and ran his fingers through his dark hair, dragging the strands away from his face, only for them to return. He must have felt your stare, because he suddenly swiveled his head to meet you eyes.

He was gorgeous, to put it simply. He had slightly tan skin and perfectly shaped almond brown eyes and a straight nose, and lips that seemed to be the center of his face. He looked almost ethereal as he attempted to catch his breath and sweat slid alluringly down his lean frame and his eyes remained on you.

“Lost?” He asked. His tone wasn’t mocking, simply curious.

His voice was just as lovely as his features. You shook your head, “Just looking around.”

He walked up to the mirror where a drawstring backpack laid, and pulled a small towel out of it, wrapping it around his neck, “class starts pretty soon, doesn’t it? You might be late,”

“Oh. Yeah, I guess you’re right. It’s so easy to get distracted in this building. There’s so much going on.”

“First day?” He asked with an understanding nod of his head.

You returned the nod with a rushed one of your own, “I’m in sensory overload at the moment.”

“Happens to all of us.”

He turned around and headed back to the corner of the room. You stared at his retreating frame for a moment and then decided it was time to leave. “See you around then.”

He turned his head so that you could see the outline of his nose and raised a hand, “see you.”

You had to forcefully remove yourself from the doorway, and practically run to your classroom, making it in with thirty seconds to spare.

~*~

After your last class was finished, you headed over to the dorms.

You still could not believe you were actually living on your own, away from your parents and sister. And as you stepped into your new home, you couldn’t help but grin.

It was small, but cozy. With a living room that held a couch, there was one bedroom that your roommate and you would be sharing and you got your own bathroom which was nice.

You noticed that your bedroom door was open and you could faintly make out a voice coming from within. It appeared your roommate was in. You hadn’t met her yet, and was nervous. Would you like her? Would she like you? You carefully tiptoed towards the door and paused in the threshold. She was singing under her breath and it was beautiful. The words did not sound very familiar to you, but her voice was so lovely, you found myself creating notes to accompany her with in you head.

Finally, you grew the courage to gently knock on the wall and peek your head in.

She was sitting at a white vanity she must had brought with her, and was clipping something into her jaw length black hair. She spun around quickly, startled.

Once you were facing each other, you carefully examined the other. She was gorgeous, but seemed a bit rebellious with her black lace clothing and scruffy boots. With the light from the window on her hair, you spotted green and blue highlights in it. Her eyes were covered in kohl and her lips were set in a hard line, but you noticed the tips curled slightly in a mischievous grin.

After your slight stare down, she held out her hand, “Park Sunyoung. But I go by Luna.”

You smiled and marched in to shake her hand and introduced yourself as well.

“Like what I’ve done with the place?” She smirked, spinning around to face the mirror again.

The room was placed in such a way that each half was your own. Her side was crowded. The white walls were covered with posters. You spotted both movies and boy and girl groups respectively. She had a purple fluffy mat on the wooden floor, and clothes were strung there and about. She also placed a flat screen television on a dresser that she pushed in the middle of a wall so that it was between your beds.

You glanced at your side, You had only put sheets on your bed, leaned your viola case against the wall, and tossed your suitcases on your bed. It was—and would still be once you finished unpacking—bare compared to hers.

You nodded your head, “you just moved in?”

She nodded her head also. “Bout to grab a bite to eat. Wanna come?”

You bit your lip. You wanted to unpack and maybe practice your instrument for a while, but the need to make friends overwhelmed you, especially a girlfriend. “Sure.”

You watched as Luna hopped off her chair and grabbed a black homburg hat before snatching your wrist and dragging you out of your room.

You entered the cafeteria five minutes later, the building was bustling with life and you couldn’t help but to search around, looking at your fellow schoolmates.

There were a bunch of different stores to choose from, and after watching Luna tap her chin while glaring at each station, you both finally decide on Chinese. You grabbed your plates and then Luna pulled out her phone, dialing a number before she pressed it to her ear.

“Yah! Where are you?” She laughed. Your eyes widened. You were not planning on meeting other people. “I can’t see you! Oh! By the taco station? Mmm… Okay, on my way.” She hung up and glanced at you, tilting her head in the direction she was heading before walking off. You quickly tried to match her pace. You arrived at a round table with seven chairs and two girls sitting there in comfortable silence.

“Hey!” Luna sang as she pulled a chair next to one of them, you quickly followed suite.

The girl next to Luna had brown hair that she had cut really short, a pixie cut. While the girl beside her had straight black hair that cascaded down her body. The one with the pixie cut was sporting a guy tank top and khakis while the one beside her was wearing a black and white stripped dress and blood red lipstick.

“Who’s the stranger?” The girl next to Luna asked, studying you.

“This is my roommate,” Luna beamed with pride and you smiled shyly as she introduced you. “This is my cousin Victoria and our friend, Amber.”

“Nice to meet you,” you greeted.

“Are you a freshman like Luna?” Amber asked, giving you her full attention.

You nodded, “what grade are you in?”

“We’re both juniors,” Victoria supplied, taking a giant bite of her food.

“So… how was your first day?” Amber asked Luna, who rolled her eyes.

“Fine. I guess. All I had were generals today. I can’t wait till my fun classes begin.”

“Are you, by any chance, in choir?” You asked.

She stared at you with wide eyes, “oh god, no! What makes you think that!?”

“Well,” you began nervously. “I heard you singing when I entered the room…”

“Oh~~” The three nodded.

“I do love singing,” Luna informed somewhat sheepishly. “I just…”

“She just doesn’t like to do things when told to do them.” A girl who just walked up to the table finished for Luna, pulling the chair next to Victoria out and unceremoniously plopping down. She was tall and skinny and had long blonde hair. Just like Luna, she was wearing dark clothes and makeup, her expression unimpressed.

Another girl who was the polar opposite took a seat beside her. She had reddish-brown hair that went down to her collarbones and was wearing a pink skirt and shirt and a genuine bright smile. She instantly reminded you of Suho.

“Shut up, Krystal,” Luna barked.

“Make me,” the Krystal girl retorted, sticking her tongue out.

“Choir is just so stuffy,” Luna defended herself. “You have to sing three octaves higher than you normally do, have to wear hideous outfits, and have to move your mouth like this,” she began to open and close her mouth in a way that resembled a fish. “It’s horrible.”

“Plus, she never goes to class, so she’d probably get dropped,” Krystal grinned wickedly at Luna.

“Didn’t I tell you to shut up?!” The two began to bicker, and you locked eyes with the bright girl next to Krystal who was looking at you.

“What is your name?” She asked. You told her and asked for hers in return. “I’m Sulli. Sorry about my friends. They tend to not have manners.”

“I heard that!” Krystal screeched and smacked Sulli’s shoulder, causing her to wince. She then turned her gaze to you. “I’m not that bad, really. I’m Krystal, by the way.”

You introduced yourself to her and she boldly held out her hand for you to shake. Her hand was very soft.

“Are you a freshman?” She asked and you nodded your head. “Cool. So are Sulli and me. Are you Luna’s roommate?”

“Yes she is, so can you stop asking so many questions?” Luna asked, exasperated.

Krystal shrugged, sniffing a cup of fruit, “just curious. I’m surprised you’d invite her along. I know how much you hate new people.”

“I don’t—”

“YES YOU DO!” The four interrupted Luna, causing the whole table to laugh.

“You all suck,” Luna pouted, but a smile tugged on her lips.

“Welcome to our crew,” Victoria said to me, holding up a bottle of apple juice. You lifted your own drink and you all chugged the liquid.

It tasted like a long friendship.

~*~

Back in your room, all unpacked and exhausted, you laid on your bed. Luna was taking her last class of the day, which was at eight, and she wasn’t very excited about that, so you had the place to yourself. You wanted to play your viola, but was so tired, you couldn’t budge.

Vibrating caught your attention and you groaned as you felt around for your phone. Once found, you answered it without bothering to check caller I.D.

“I take it you’ve already eaten?” Suho asked you from the other end.

You grinned, “What makes you so sure?”

“Because you aren’t harassing me about how you will die any second if you don’t get any food in you soon.”

You sighed, “You know me so well.”

“That’s why I hold the title of best friend.”

“Sorry. Are you hungry?”

“Kind of.”

“Did you just finish your last class?”

He was silent for a second, “no. I, uh, finished it a while ago.”

“Well why didn’t you call me then?”

“I was…distracted. Come down. I’m at your dorm.”

“But, Suho!”

“You shouldn’t have unpacked all at once. That’s your fault. Hurry!”

He hung up and you had no choice but to get your lazy butt up and head downstairs.

He was outside the building, leaning against the cool brick.

“What is the rush?” You asked once you spotted him.

“It’s the first week of school, there is so much we could do!”

“Like…?”

“Like visit the art building and watch people.”

Your eyes brightened and you hurriedly pushed Suho, he laughed at your eagerness and you headed over to your favorite building.

“I should have brought my instrument,” you pouted as the doors opened.

Suho shook his head and you entered the first room you found.

There were a couple kids acting in this one. You watched for a minute, but you both knew which rooms you wanted to really be at.

“Let’s just go to the music room,” You ordered. You started running down the familiar halls, eager to enter the one room you had been in over the years.

Suho continued walking, and you wondered if it was because he didn’t want to go to this room after all.

You entered the room and took a deep breath, smiling widely as you were surrounded by all the instruments. You were in the string room, and you bowed to the professor before heading over to decide which instrument to play.

There were a few kids there in a small circle with guitars on laps, so you picked up an acoustic guitar and joined them.

You quietly tuned your instrument as two of the other boys were playing off each other. The music was very bluesy and you nodded along as they continued.

All music stopped and you heard a few gasps. Suho must have entered. You turned to verify his presence and tried not to laugh at his awkward smile. He hated the attention. Anybody who considered themselves piano players knew who Suho was, and anybody in this area who was aware of music knew who he was as well. He was kind of a big deal.

“Please, continue,” Suho said, motioning for the two boys to play. They stared at him instead, either too nervous or starstruck. With a sigh, you held your guitar on your lap and began to play a song you had made up a few years ago. The people around the room blinked over at you, distracted from Suho, which you knew he was grateful. You felt him sit down beside you, but you ignored him and continued playing. Your fingers gliding confidently over the strings.

“You think she’s good at this,” You heard Suho say. “You should see her play the viola.”

You missed a note and lost your train of thought as laughter bubbled up your throat.

“Please stop, Suho,” you chuckled, finishing the song quickly. Once you were done, everyone in the room applauded and you bowed your thanks and Suho and you sat silently and listened to the others play for a while.

“Should we go now?” he whispered in your ear after about twenty minutes and you nodded. You both got up and bowed to everyone before heading out.

“That was nice,” you grinned up at your best friend, his hands in his pockets and his smile somewhat strained.

“Uh… yeah, nice…”

You laughed, “You hated every waking minute of it.”

“No!” He quickly defended. “I just… you know I hate it when people treat me like that.”

“Like a celebrity?”

He sighed, “I hate that word.”

“But, I mean, you kind of are a celebrity, Suho.”

He groaned and covered his face with his hands, “don’t say that!”

You laughed again and dragged him out of the hall. On your way out, you passed the dance room, and you glanced into the empty room. You were somewhat disappointed to see how lifeless it was in there compared to earlier today….

~*~

Your first week went by smoothly. You hung out quite a bit with Luna and her friends and only got lost once. Suho and your schedules did not align very well, and you rarely got to see each other, which frustrated both of you, but you made time—as little as it was—to hang out at least once a day.

It was Monday again, and after a semi stressful weekend, you were looking forward to another week of college.

Your alarm went off and you chuckled as Luna groaned and tossed in her bed, “turn that off!”

She threw a pillow in your direction and you turned the alarm off,  and with a whispered ‘goodbye’ you left for your first class.

After your math class ended, and you had once again fought against the ten o’clock rush, you decided to head over to the art building early to goof off for a bit and kill time.

You found yourself pausing in front of that damned dance room again. The door was closed, but you could hear the faint thud of bass coming from the speakers within, and you just knew that man from last week was in there. After a bit of hesitation, you finally pried the door open.

He was there alright. Wearing cut offs and a black wife beater. He was stretching on the center of the floor, leaning against one leg as the music played on. When he lifted his upper body he noticed you, “you’re back.”

You couldn’t tell if he was happy or annoyed by the fact, but you smiled at him anyway, “I told you I’d see you later.”

He laughed once under his breath and shook his head faintly.

“Mind if I watch?”

He opened his mouth, but didn’t say anything.

You deflated, “or…not.”

As you began taking a step back he let out a breath, “no! Wait.”

You glanced at him expectantly and he sighed, “You can stay if you want.”

You beamed and came all the way into the room, closing the door solidly behind you. You sat against the mirror and pulled your legs up to your chin.

“It’s nothing much,” the beautiful boy began. “I’m just going to be doing some stretches and going over some routines….”

“That’s fine,” You encouraged and he paused before nodding his head self-consciously.  

After fifteen minutes of warming up, he began to dance. You knew he was not going full out, but even still he was captivating. He moved effortlessly, almost as if he were bored, and he made every move seem easy, although you knew it was anything but.

At one moment he attempted a leap, but couldn’t land right. He groaned with frustration, “I can’t get this jump right.”

You perked up, with him talking for the first time in thirty minutes. He was standing in the middle of the room with his hands on his hips, eyeing himself in the mirror.

“I don’t even know why it is so difficult for me, but I just can’t get it. The teacher told me I was landing too hard but what does that even mean?”

You blinked at him and were silent for a moment. Finally you worked up the courage to speak, “may—maybe you can demonstrate it again? I’ll watch and see if I can spot the problem?”

His eyes flickered to yours questioningly, “you dance?”

“Uh… no, but I’m sure I’d notice if you weren’t landing right.”

He thought about it for a second, but must have seen there was no harm in it because he shrugged and started the music up again.

You watched him as he twirled around the room before going for the leap. He was flawless in the air, but once his foot came down, he was a stumbling mess. He had to hold his arms out to catch his balance and you figured out the problem.

“You’re not distributing your weight properly,” You informed him once he was at a standstill. “You put all your weight on the leg you’re landing on when you need to put it on both.”

“How do I go about doing that?” He asked, twirling the lid off of his water and chugging half the bottle.

“As soon as your foot touches the ground, stretch out your back leg and lift your arms higher.”

The dancer’s eyes wandered above him for a minute, probably imagining the actions he had to take, and then he put his water down and started the music again.

When it got to the troubling leap, you held your breath. He was up, up, up and then he came down. His foot touched the floor and he seemed to spring higher as he flexed his legs and raised his arms, not even wobbling.

“Perfect landing,” you breathed with a grin as he continued on with the choreography. You couldn’t help but to notice how dazzling his face looked graced with that triumphant smile that seemed nearly blinding.

He was now going all out, as if he were performing on a stage, and your heart was in your throat.

You had seen a lot of beautiful things. Watching your father play the trombone, watching Suho play the piano, listening to one of your friends, Yuri, sing, but this fellow in front of you took passion to another level.

Tears began to obstruct your vision as you watched him reach towards the heavens with every jump. Every flex of a muscle seemed to be a part of a story only he knew how to tell, but the story was magnificent and you could not look away.

It ended with him pirouetting before landing on one knee, an arm stretched towards you.

The music ended and the only thing that could be heard was his hard breathing.

“That… that was beautiful.” Beautiful could not cover base to how life altering watching him perform was. He was beyond that, he was something no word could yet define.

“Thank you,” he grinned and bowed humbly.

“No, I’m… I’m serious. I don’t think I have ever seen anything that passionate before in my entire life, and my father lives and breathes music. You are truly talented.”

You watched him bite his lip and scratch the back of his head before repeating, “thank you.”

“No, thank you,” That sounded so cheesy out loud, but you really wanted to thank him for showing you that. You wiped away the tears that had fallen from your eyes and laughed at yourself, “I swear I don’t usually cry watching people dance. Only if I’m moved enough.”

“I moved you?” He asked. You noticed the teasing tone in his voice, but also surprise, as if he didn’t believe he was that good.

“To tears,” You confirmed, holding your hands out to show him the salty wetness on them.

“Thank you,” he repeated yet again, and you blinked up at him.

“For what?”

“For helping me with that turn. Also for letting me know just how good I am. Sometimes you need other people besides those who are always telling you to realize your potential, you know?”

“Absolutely. I definitely understand. I remember when I was first learning how to play the viola, and my father was constantly telling me how good I was, but I felt like I wasn’t adequate. It took my best friend to finally make me realize that maybe I was worthy of the instrument.”

The sweaty ballerina just stared at you for a moment, and you grew embarrassed. Were you talking too much? You were definitely talking too much. This is why you only had two friends growing up.

“You can come watch me practice whenever you want,” he suddenly allowed. His smile grew at your shocked expression. “I realize now I enjoy the company, and you can probably help me on some things. So… whenever you want, if I’m here, don’t be shy.”

He said all of that without even glancing at you, but you could tell the sincerity in his voice. Plus, you found it endearing how he dug the ground with his toes.

It was your turn to repeat yourself, “thank you.”

~*~

You ran all the way to your dorm after art, eager to get this off your chest.

You felt kind of bad that Suho wasn’t the person you wanted to talk to about the matter, but this was strictly a girl thing, and you knew he wouldn’t understand.

“Luna!” You practically screeched when you finally slammed the door to your bedroom open, scaring the living daylights out of your roommate.

“Jesus!” she cried, throwing the magazine she was peacefully reading on her bed onto the floor. “What’s gotten into you?!”

“I’m in like,” You breathed, falling unto your bed with a longing sigh.

“In like?” she questioned.

“Yes. With a beautiful ballerina.”

“Ballerina?”

“It’s a guy,” you clarified, rising up to meet Luna’s gaze. She was grinning from ear to ear, leaning in closer.

“Well, spill it!”

You told her about the mystery dancer who just so happened to be drop dead gorgeous and wanted your company.

“Wow, that is so romantic! What is his name? Maybe I know him.”

“It’s…” Your smile melted off with the realization that you in fact had no name for the face you most definitely would be dreaming of later tonight.

“You don’t know?” Luna’s eyes widened and than she gasped, “that’s even more romantic! It’s like Cinderella! Does he know yours?”

You shook your head and she threw a pillow up in the air. It hit the ceiling before landing on the floor behind her, next to her long forgotten magazine. “Oh my god! The two of you are so mysterious! That is so hot.”

You couldn’t help but giggle. You’ve grown quite close to Luna this past week; she was someone you really needed in your life.

“You have to keep me posted on the development on your unfolding love story. And don’t forget who was there in the beginning when you have to pick a maid of honor for your wedding!”

“Oh, I will def keep you up to date.”

~*~

Sadly, there was nothing to report back to Luna.

Classes started to add pressure the rest of the week, and you were so swamped in schoolwork, that you had no time to eat a normal meal, let alone watch someone dance for a couple hours. you even had a test in art!

When Friday came around, all you wanted to do was relax, but Suho had other plans for you.

“Come on! We haven’t seen each other all week! I miss my bestie!”

“I miss you too, but I’m so tired,”  you complained, rolling around in your bed for affect.

“We are all tired, we’re college students.”

“Why can’t you hang out with your roommate? I’m sure he will keep you company.”

“He is hanging out with me. I’m trying to expose you to more people,” You could hear the annoyance in his voice.

“I don’t need more friends. You’re like five friends put together!”

“Please,” Suho whimpered, muttering your name softly. You tensed, knowing what he was doing. “We haven’t seen one another in five days and I just really need my best friend right now. Is that a crime? Is wanting to see you such a bad thing?”

He sighed when you remained silent, “fine. I won’t bother you anymore. Take your nap and be a loser for all your life, but don’t call me when you finally want to settle down, because I would have moved on with a new bestie by then.”

“Fine!” You cried, hopping off your bed. “Jesus, Suho! I’ll hang out with you, damn!”

He chuckled and you heard a muffled ‘works every time’ before he was back in your ear, “you have ten minutes. Dress really cute, we’re going somewhere fun. You better be waiting for us when we get there.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” You hung up before he could guilt you into doing something else you didn’t want to do and slumped over to your closet.

Suho’s definition of really cute was a scary concept, and it made you wonder where he was dragging you. He loved heels and thigh highs. You always joked and told him he was a subtle pervert, and he would reply by simply shrugging, tilting his head to get a good view of the girl he had his eye on at the time.

You groaned and yanked the clothes you knew he was already picturing in his head before getting ready.

Six minutes later, you were standing outside the dorms in a thin pink dress, black tights, chunky black heels, and a glare.

True to his word, Suho was in front of the dorms ten minutes after your call ended. He stepped out of the passenger side of a very expensive looking black car, dressed in dark jeans and a sky blue button down, and you knew that you were dressed accordingly.

His grin grew into a full-blown smile as he took you in, “you never disappoint.”

“Shut up, you perv,” You retaliated. He just laughed, continuing walking up to you. Once you were right in front of each other, he pulled you into a hug and you soon felt a tugging at your hair.

Suho pulled away with a satisfied grin, “you look prettier with your hair down.”

“What is this?” You snapped, as he ruffled your brown hair that he had released from the ponytail you had it in seconds ago. “Are you trying to hook me up with someone?”

“I might be, but I just want you to have fun tonight. You have to dress good to feel good.”

“I mean, I guess?” You let him drag you over to the car. He opened the backseat door for you and helped you get in before crawling back to the front. There were two males sitting to your left, both incredibly handsome and one behind the wheel.

Suho called you and you glanced at him, really nervous. You usually felt at ease around the opposite sex, but Suho made you dress up, and it made you self-conscious, especially since all the men in the car were good looking.

Not as fine as your little ballerina, you thought suddenly, and you felt your cheeks heat up. They definitely weren’t that pleasing to the eyes.

You blinked, quickly focusing back at Suho. He had his hand on the driver’s shoulder, “This is my roommate, Kris, and those two sitting next to you are Kim Jongdae and Do Kyungsoo.”

“Nice to meet you,” you said, nodding towards them. They all nodded in return and you zoomed off to some unknown place.

“Jongdae and Kyungsoo are singers,” Suho informed as you continued driving. “And Kris here is an actor. They all have scholarships and are top of their classes.”

“Why must you talk us up like this?” The one furthest to the window whined. He had a cute voice and a cat like curve to his lips that you couldn’t help but stare at.

“It’s alright,” you began. “It’s in his nature. He’s like a proud father.”

“This girl right here,” he started, and you rolled your eyes. “Is one of the best viola players in the country, if not the continent! She also draws, plays other instruments, and sings.”

You shook your head rapidly, “please do not tell professional singers that I sing, Suho. That’s embarrassing.”

He simply shrugged, “how many times have you sung the lyrics to my compositions?”

“I’m not sure anymore, Suho,” you sighed, your gaze flickering to the singers beside you. They looked intrigued, and you wanted to shrink.

“Exactly, because it’s been too many times to count. If it had been up to me, I would have given you the songs to record. I write them for you anyway.”

“Gross,” you cried, kicking his seat. Sometimes he said things that made it seem as if you were closer than you actually were. It was a habit you were trying to get him out of.

It was around ten when Kris—who had been silent throughout the entire ride there—pulled into a karaoke bar.

“Damn,” you muttered under your breath. Suho was toying with you the entire ride there, the bastard.

“What was that?” The smaller boy beside you, Kyungsoo, asked. His voice was deeper than you had thought it would be at first glance and his wide eyes and plump lips made him seem older than you would have originally thought, more mature.

“I should have known we would be singing,” you said a bit louder to him, although you pushed your knee deep into the back of Suho’s seat.

“And drinking,” the guy near the window, Jongdae, winked at you playfully and you sighed with both content and relief, because he was really cute and you really needed a drink.

“Good,” you breathed as you all headed out.

You followed the guys into the bar, and was led into probably the biggest room you had ever seen in one of these places. It was already filled with about six other people, both male and female.

You felt pressure on your arm and lips at your ear. “Don’t be afraid to make friends, and maybe even get a bit touchy if you want,” Suho winked at you and you grimaced. What was up with him today?

There were only two other girls in the room, and you quickly ran to sit beside them, introducing yourself quickly. They were Hyeri and Hyorin. There was a guy singing a Super Junior song, and he was really good. You just sat silently as everyone got comfortable. Jongdae soon appeared with around four huge bottles of liquor, while Kyungsoo scuttled behind him with shot glasses.

“Whose ready to turn up!” Jongdae’s high-pitched voice rang loudly over the commotion of the room, and everyone—including yourself—cheered. Jongdae and another boy who you weren’t acquainted with poured the shots, while Kyungsoo handed them out. You were the last one to receive a glass, and he sat beside you with a shy smile. You returned it and waited for one of the shorter boys in the room to give the toast speech, “to freshman! To the beginning of the rest of our lives!”

You all held your glasses up high before tilting your heads back and downing the liquid fire with grimaces and coughs.

Liquor made you friendly, to put it simply. It also made you extremely confident, yet also very uncoordinated. You took six more shots of the strongest stuff Jongdae had to offer, and before you knew it, you were singing a duet with one of the boys named Byun Baekhyun. It was an intense balled, and you acted the part, even pressing against each other, his arm around your waist while one of your hands were on his cheek as you both shared his microphone.

You gathered hoots and hollers and you just laughed and laughed when the song ended. He gave you a wink and carried you off the small platform, making you sit on his lap back on the couch.

“You’re fun,” He yelled into your ear, his voice deep enough for you to feel warm from the compliment.

“You give good speeches,” you replied, remembering him giving the toast earlier.

“You sing very well,” he countered.

“Well… you’re very handsome.”

His smile was a million watts.

~*~

(Another lil snippet that I haven’t even gotten to plot wise but I had a Vision™ and wrote it down before I forgot, to give you better insight on what I'm trying to do here haha)

“Jongin….”

“Oh no, silly girl, I’m not Jongin,” his eyes remained piercing into your soul as he pushed a chunk of your hair back behind your ear just to whisper, “I’m Kai.”

You blinked up at him, “who?”

“Kai,” he clarified. “Jongin’s twin brother.”

It was silent for a moment and then you burst out laughing, pushing his shoulder. He looked at you stunned, “stop playing, Jongin. What kind of joke is this?”

He raised an eyebrow, “It’s not a joke, plus, Jongin’s sense of humor wouldn’t allow him to play such a prank. Maybe when we were younger and used to switch classes for the day, but ever since college, all that boy’s focused on is the art.”

“The art?”

“Dancing.”

“Oh… oh!” Your eyes widened as you remembered asking Jongin about his hiphop routine. Your eyes flashed up to the Jongin in front of you, “you were the one doing the hiphop routine!”

He smirked and nodded boldly, “That I was.”

“Shit, you’re telling the truth.”

“Duh. I’m not a liar. But, it seems like Jongin might be…..”

[divinaes-bookofsecrets]

Private. Hello there I would like a spirit guide reading please -Rochelle (RS) ♉️

Hello 👋hi 👋 (🌺Rs)Rochelle are you a 🐂 ♉?

Really ... if I guessed you correctly you are Taurus in your natal birth chart (I am an aspiring astrologist and zlso do in-depth Astrology Reports based off of your natal birth charting so please do nog hesitate to ask for That next !

Your SpiritGuide is Cressida

💎🦋Galactic-Arctic Fox🦋💎

She is a mystical interterrestrial being from a galaxy through another realm not too far away but just out of reach !

Cressida has been with you since 2018 and should remain by your side as a companion, spiritual guardian 🙏 ✨ and your synchronicity lessons for the rest of your life.

Why is Cressida with me and trying to help or heal my situation and past situations or for future situations anyways? Well.. heres an in depth description of what this particular animal spirit totem means ..

Whats Cressida doing? How can I place her in my life and recognize her?

🦋Whether the White Arctic Fox appears in dreams, visions, waking life or synchronicities, it is a sign and message that you are to keep going, amid the test of your nature and character. Some powerful forces are working on your behalf to sort things out in a favorable outcome or way soon. Whatever you may be going through will soon pass. These tests and trials have made you stronger, and giving in is for the weak. You should realize how far you have come. You will be arriving to a place of rest and completeness soon. 🦋The Arctic Fox is a sign to trust yourself, above trusting anything or one outside of you. At least for the purpose of clarity. IN other words, it is time to pause, breathe, and receive insights from your oversoul or higher self. As a seeker of truth, you cannot allow someone or something else to dilute what you sense. Take time out to refuel so that you can come from a place of neutrality.🦋 You will need to be stubborn in a forthcoming opportunity and trust your instincts. Even if you collaborate with others, or cooperate with them, you must keep your eyes open as no one can look out for you the way that you can for yourself. In other words, watch your own back. Don’t give that responsibility entirely to others.🦋 The Arctic Fox teaches us that, we are only beings and we are all doing things to survive. Your trust is only owed to a higher source. You can cooperate with others, but the key is to look out for yourself always. Don’t just expect others to put you first. 🦋Always follow up, and if possible do things yourself when it comes to projects that require your creativity. The White Arctic Fox is a message that you want others to be better than what they are showing you. In other words, you are looking at the aspect of how a person can be and not what or who they truly are. If you are a part of a group of people who are being intentionally deceptive, it is best to clear up your acts now rather than later. 🦋The Arctic White Fox is about seeing beyond what we are shown, and hearing beyond what we are told. Your psychic senses will be heightened at this time.💎 Pay attention to what is being revealed. 🧿

⚠️This message isn't, obviously resonant with all whose paths it crosses, as perhaps you may come into contact with someone of this vernacular, mastery or skill. Therefore, it is a sign from the universe that you're meant to work with such a person. ⚠️

🦋What does She look like? 🥀

Her fur is multidimensional and is actually the softest known material other than silk in this universe and all other universes including hidden realms..

Since she is a Galactic Arctic Fox you'll expect to see that she looks rather like a regular Arctic White Fox from our home planet Earth🌍But has different highlights and dimensions to her skin and her fur body. She has *fur tattoos* which are blue-- they represent the Element Water(do you have a lot of water 💧in your natal birth charting , I suspect you do 😉 )Her fur tattoos are like a war paint that was branded onto her when she became fully mature and with the seasons her other markings show up - each season - has a different shade of white to blue hue or even teal like transference that takes place , its quite magickal to see.

What is Cressida's personality like?

🦋Cressida has a strong, but warm and gentle but also courageous and brave personality and soul as a Galzctic Arctic Fox 💙 ❤ 💖 She conducts herself with a sense if integrity in every situation(no matter what!) 🦋Integrity is a personal trait that has strong moral principles and core values and then conducting your life with those as your guide.🦋 She has a lot of compassion for all of humanity but especially you (Rs) ♉ This character traits example feels deep sympathy and pity for the suffering and misfortune of others, and you have a desire to do something to alleviate their suffering..She sees that you may be suffering maybe and has messages for you just about to come up .. old on we need to finish her character profile (bio)

🦋Cressida is an honest Galactic fox just as much of them are but there are more certainly the few bunches who are so mischievous that they are notdared to be messed with (worse than the worst fae)

🦋She has strong reliability. This SpiritGuidr's character quality can be consistently depended upon to follow through on your/her commitments, actions, and decisions. She does what she says you she will do.🥀🌍(88% of the time)

😷She hopes you wear a mask because she is very worried and concerned about your welfare during this coronairus. Please don't fall asleep 😴 🙏 😫 😪 😩 😭yet 😴you'll miss her message for you... im going to stop talking zbout her personality there id so much lol.

What is my SpiritGuide messages?

Cressida has a numerology message she has been sending you many other synchronicity but she asks that you pay attention next for the number # 536 if you haven't seen it by now already...

WHATS IT MEAN ANYWAYS?

Number 536 is a blend of the energies and attributes of number 5 and number 3, and the vibrations of number 6. Number 5 resonates with major life changes, making important choices and decisions, promotion and advancements, adaptability and versatility, personal freedom and individuality, life lessons learned through experience and resourcefulness. Number 3 offers assistance and encouragement, communication and enthusiasm, growth, expansion and the principles of increase, broad-minded thinking, self-expression, talent and skills. Number 3 also resonates with the energies of the Ascended Masters. Number 6 relates to love of home, family and domesticity, honesty and integrity, responsibility, compassion and empathy, finding solutions, grace and gratitude, the ability to compromise, emotional depth, provision and providing and the material aspects of life.

Angel Number 536 brings a message from your angels to maintain a positive attitude in regards to your monetary and financial circumstances as changes are taking place that will ensure that your material and monetary needs are met. Your positive affirmations, prayers and optimistic outlook have manifested opportunities to attract prosperity and abundance into your life. Trust that your Spirit Guide(s) especially Cressida.. will surround, support and guide you through these important changes.

Number 536 is a message to trust that the changes you may be going through are happening for your highest good. These changes may involve your career choices, your place of residence and/or an important relationship. Your angels support you through these changes and offer guidance and assistance to make transitions easier. Trust that these changes will have positive effects on your life and will ensure a continued supply of abundance to meet your daily wants and needs.

Number 536 encourages you to move forward with positive plans and ideas as they will prove to be most beneficial in all ways for yourself and your loved ones. 

Spiritual Messages...

Cressida wants you to be inspired, creative and most of all live out your destiny!!

🙏 Please take this advice seriously! You need to think about:

Surrounding yourself with people who reflect the character traits you want to embrace.

🦋They will inspire and motivate you to build these traits in yourself.

🦋Try to avoid people who have a weak character and make bad decisions.

🦋When you live your life being true to yourself and honest with others you manifest positive energies and desired results and outcomes. Speak your truths with gentleness and love and accept others with grace and understanding.

Monthly Message from your Spirit Guide ✨ 💛 ❤ 💖

A creak you hear in the dark could be the settling of an old house, or it could be a burglar creeping on the stairs. Loud voices you hear coming in through the windows could be your neighbors arguing, or it could be those same neighbors sharing good news. The lamp going out on your nightstand could be a sign that electricity has shut down, or it could mean you need a new bulb. There is often more than one way to interpret something, and usually there's nothing to worry about. Remember that today, Taurus, if you are tempted to follow worrisome thoughts. It's more likely there's nothing to worry about.

🦋🌍🦋

This is a great week(jan 11th to jan 17th) for you to finally finish one or two of those big projects you put on hold a while back. You may have thought you would never be able to get to them, but if you actually put this into your schedule and get started, you should see that it will all fall into place, and you'll get everything else done that needs to be done. This is also an ideal time to complete important conversations that were left dangling, maybe because there was no answer at the time, or because someone was being elusive about responding. You should find it easier now to get answers and receive honest reactions. Crossing all of these things off your long list will give you a great sense of satisfaction. You may even find that because of this efficiency, you will be inspired by a new idea that allows you to tap into a talent you have not used lately, and that would be a great idea. You have been very assertive in trying to attract an investor, team member, or partner for some project you want to take on. However, you are advised now to take a wait-and-see approach and be patient. What you need will materialize if you kick back a bit and let it come to you.

Thank you for meeting your Spirit Guide!! If you have any questions, concerns, or additional specific questions to ask your Spirit Guide you can always Astral travel and speak to her directly but; if you prefer that I take another independent in depth dive into your world I will 🌍🦋 🌎 I will answer up to 2 questions per ask Thanks for allowing this experience to take place, please 🙏

🦋Like && Share this post 📫 ✨

Much Love😍 ❤ Divinae

[booksbookandmorebooks]

Things i loved about the little women 2019 movie.

Hello lovelies, im back with another review today of the amazing Little women 2019 adaptation. Quite honestly I have a bit of a history with this story as I have tried reading the book many times (as I'm sure a lot of you who follow me on other social medias will know) and each time I have sadly DNF’d it. I cant help but feel it severely lacking something, upon reflection I think it was a number things, one of which was I felt no relation to any of the characters and couldn't find any shared similarities, I did not enjoy the pacing and the slice of life style was a bit of a struggle to keep me engaged. So when attending the movie for the first time, I didn't Have very high hopes and was still unsure about whether it would deliver but wow, I can honestly sit back and say it was just beautiful. The cinematography, the characters, the stories, just everything. I fell in love. So much so I have now seen it 3 times, and each time has been just as much of an emotional roller coaster as the first! If you have not watched the movie yet I implore you, I beg you to do so as soon as possible!

So today im bringing you a list of things I really liked. If you enjoy this post please hang around for the second part of this review ‘’what I didn’t like about little women’’ which will be uploaded very shortly.  Without further ado, here we go!

The warm and cosy aesthetic.

This movie provides such a wonderfully cosy feeling when watching it, almost like you're watching your best friends living their day to day lives with how invested and entranced you are by the smallest of interactions and conversations yet, I had no prior introductions with the characters (in a positive way) no bond with them but some how due to this intense feeling I found I care about each of the girls almost instantly. I cannot tell you how that was achieved, whether it’s the beautifully warm aesthetic of that time period or whether its down to good script writing I cannot say for sure but what I did feel was just mass amounts of affection throughout providing me with some very strong opinions and views early on.

The movie has as I stated, a warm feeling but yet is also very hard hitting at times, very raw and emotional. Of which the director leaves all of these feelings at the surface so the audience feel it just as hard. This enables the audience to really sympathise and empathise with the emotions of the characters in various scenes, thus creating a strong bond of shared pain. Whether that be through the death of a loved one, unrequited romance, career frustrations, family arguments, money struggles and many more.

The themes explored:

I really enjoyed the different themes this movie explores and how it manages to achieve this in such a subtle way to. There is never anything too in your face or extreme in this movie, which is why its paced so perfectly. we see themes of war (the girls father is away for a good portion of the movie and we have a wonderful scene where the girls are huddled round their mother while she reads his letter from the trenches out loud and we see a very raw moment they all share) we see themes of classes in the community (the extremely wealthy shown through Laurie and his father) the working families through the marches and extreme poverty through the young single mother who the marches provide constant support for, and the most common I feel, is the theme of death. I will not go into too much detail but, just be warned this is a very very constant theme, due to the time period this book/movie was set in it is only to be expected when you think about it.

The cast:

Meryl Streep. That’s it, that’s the point. No more is needed. Meryl Streep.

The Girls:

Now we come to my absolute favourite part of this movie. every single one of the girls had their shining moment, a real moment where they had to look into themselves and find their inner strength and make some very hard but real decisions in their lives and the way they were all delivered was spectacular, the amount of emotion we see from the girls was so empowering in such a way that had you experiencing a real ‘’hell yeah!’’ moment for these characters.

Amy: Her speeches to Laurie, my favourite being the one about society's expectations of women and how they are not treated as equals and are only seen as prizes given to reward men. Her issues with love and marriage and her desire to marry well for her future, that she wants to independent, she wants to great at her art and will not settle for anything less, all of which was such a moment seeing her react to such a throw away comment from a man in such an strong manner was just a powerful thing especially given the time period when women weren't seen as anything of real value and potential. They were mothers and daughters, they were kitchen staff they had their place and it was not a place equal to a man, never understood higher. The idea was strictly inconceivable.

’’I want to be great or nothing.’’

Meg: The scene where she really discovers the meaning of unconditional love in regards her husband after we have seen them in a very hard position and seen fracture begin to form in their relationship due to money worries and the stresses of a poorer life style than she had previously known, a life style we see is a lot less giving than we see her friends are blessed with. This ultimately leads meg to experience a lack in judgement, jealousy and resentment, but then we are able to see her redemption, We see her accept the selfishness of her actions, right the wrong she has caused through her thoughtlessness and welcome her husband into open arms with love and support regardless of their struggles. A really beautiful moment for the both of them.

Beth: The scene on the beach with Beth and Jo was definitely a stand out one for me, when Beth is pushing Jo to further her career as she knows how strongly Jo feels about writing . she is able to see through her sisters stubbornness, forget her own personal fear and troubles and do this one last thing for her sister, help inspire her to achieve her dreams. Which is one of many scenes that bought a tear to my eye, and just shows the immense strength Beth has after being seen as the weak and quiet one for so long, if anything this scene is a testament to that, and I see it as proof she is the strongest out of them all. She has her head screwed on the tightest and when faced with an impossible situation she chooses to help the people who mean most to her through the hardest of times instead of showing an ounce of fear or self pity.

Jo: Now lets be honest here. Jo has so many empowering scenes there are too many to list so I am sticking once again with my personal favourite...

When Jo sells her hair for help her family and mother

we see her strong and fearless in the face of others and throughout the movie. Characteristics she is renowned for, she knows what she must do for her family and she does it, she does it without a second thought and expects no praise. She takes seemingly, on the chin. but yet when doors are closed we see her become so much more human and fragile about this situation and pine for her femininity . Something she has shown no care or thought for prior yet through this scene it becomes apparent that Jo, behind this strong facade is still a woman, and all women want to feel beautiful, which I know is something we can all relate to. Jo has always been the character people want to be, shes strong, determined, career driven shes the ideal independent career woman but yet through this specific scene she becomes that little bit more human and that little bit more reachable.

And there we have it. Due to the length of this post I will be separating my review into two parts as I stated in my intro. I hoped you enjoyed this first part and have a fantastic few days, ill see you soon.

[thisistenhyungsunderwear]

Hello sweetheart! Since you just opened requests, can I ask for a drabble or whatever you are most comfortable writing, maybe some smut with mark tuan?? if you don't have many ideas maybe something related to a break up and how the reader always keeps running back to his house because she can't forget him... yeah you know hahaha thank you!!!

Hi I hope this works, I kinda twisted the plot in the slightest but same idea lol hehe🥰

Group: Got7

Warnings: MakeupSex, Oral!FemaleRecieving, UnprotectedSex(Wrap it before you tap it kids), kinda soft

Word Count: 1781

"You can't keep pulling this shit Mark!" You yelled into the phone. "I can't keep doing this with you. This always happens." 

"Woah baby chill out, don't start getting any ideas." He said, recollecting himself from the screaming match you both just had. 

"No Mark, I can't keep doing this, this is the third time we've fought in the past week. Aren't you tired?" Your voice broke. Mark was silent on the other end. "I don't think I can do this with you anymore. I'm sorry." This time you gave him no opportunity to respond. You hung up your phone and threw it across the room. Tears filled to the brim, threatening to fall out. Your phone began vibrating across the room. You glanced over, hope flooding you that maybe it was Mark.

No. No you didn't. You and him weren't together anymore. No more going back. The phone started its series of vibrations again. 

Lost in your emotions, you didn't even realize the tears began streaming down your cheeks. A choked sob erupted from your throat. The phone stopped vibrating. 

Your knees threatened to give out as you walked over to your phone. More sobs and gasps started as you stared at the screen.

Missed call from Mark♡ (2)

New voicemail from Mark♡

You wanted to call him back. You wanted to apologize. You wanted to tell him you loved him. But you wanted the constant fighting to stop. You wanted to stop hearing his pleas for you to stop crying. You wanted the stress to stop.

It took you a minute to pick up your phone. It wouldn't hurt to just listen to the voicemail...hear his voice one last time. 

You unlocked your phone and pressed on the notification, which brought you straight to the voicemail. Hesitantly you pressed play and turned your volume all the way up.

"Baby, y/n" Mark's voice filled the room, the scratchiness evident from the crying and yelling in his voice, "baby, please, answer the phone. I need you. I know we've been fighting and god I'm such an idiot for letting it get this far. Baby I love you, so much, and I can't lose you. Please, answer the phone. Call me. I can't lose you." 

He stayed on the line for a minute longer, choked sounds coming out, as if he wanted to say more, but he couldn't make himself, then the line went dead. 

"My god," you whispered, regret washing over you. Why did you even let it get this far. 

You let your body go where it wanted, and immediately you were rushing out the door and to your car, barefoot and in nothing but shorts and one of Mark's hoodies, of course. 

The drive to his house was short. Maybe because he only lived 10 minutes away, or because you went 20 over the speed limit. Either way, you wasted no time pulling up in his driveway and running to the front door. You knocked on the door a few times, and tapped your foot impatiently.

A few seconds later, Mark opened the door. His eyes were red and puffy, his hair was a mess. He was in sweats and a tshirt, barefoot. 

A million thoughts ran through your mind all at once, but you ignored them all and jumped forward into his chest. You wrapped your arms around his neck and squeezed as tight as you possibly could. 

"Im sorry fuck im so sorry I cant even begin to tell you how much I regret arguing baby I-" Mark began despertely rambling to you, trying to explain himself to you.

"Mark, please just kiss me." You cut him off, pulling back to look at him.

He didn't reply. Instead he pulled you in impossibly closer and stared down at you before leaning in and connecting your lips.

Behind his kiss was more passion and emotion than any of his words could even convey to you. 

When you broke apart, he looked down at you, the sadness now gone from his eyes. He was looking at you with love in his eyes, a million emotions conveyed in one glance. 

"Let me show you how much you mean to me, hm?" he asked quietly, lifting your chin up with his pointer finger to look at him fully. You nodded slowly and leaned back into kiss him quickly, before he took your hand and lead you to his bedroom. 

Taking you carefully, he laid you down on the bed below him and continued to kiss you, never one breaking the kiss unless it was to remove both of your shirts. His hand roamed endlessly around your torso, he never left a spot untouched for too long. He shimmied your shorts down your legs, and broke the kiss to look down at your figure, clad in nothing but your underwear. 

"Do you realize how beautiful you are?" He said, awe in his voice. He leaned back down and started to kiss down your neck, and in between kisses began to whisper praises and sweet nothings. Your face flushed and you listened to his soft voice telling you how beautiful ever curve of you was, and how much he loved you.

God why would you ever break up with Mark Tuan. 

He continued to kiss down your body, and once he reached your waistband he looked up at you innocently, "May I?" He asked, motioning to your underwear. 

"Yes. Please." You whispered, and never broke eye contact as he pulled them down and off of your body, tossed somewhere in the room, along with all of your other clothes. 

He laid down in front of your core, and wrapped his arms around your thighs, spreading them apart for him.

He kissed your inner thighs, alternating and slowly working his way up to where you needed him the most. Eventually he made it there, and to start he only placed small kisses around and near your entrance, and a few light pecks on your clit. 

"Mark, please." You moaned, needing more from your boyfriend. 

"As you wish." He said, and went straight in, sucking your clit and licking long striped from your entrance up. 

Your back arched in pleasure and eyes scrunched closed, lost in the euphoria only he could give you. He placed his hands on the base of your pelvic bone and pushed you down so that he could continue without interruption. 

Your moans and whines were a mess as he mercilessly ate you out, never ending pleasure washing through your body as you tangled your fingers through his messy hair. 

You could tell a knot sas beginning to form in your stomach but it wasn't until Mark inserted his middle fingers into your core where you felt the tension grow. 

"Shit shit shit shit shit-" you whispered, quieter with every syllable, getting lost in the pleasure and the sound of Mark encouraging you to cum was becoming too much. 

"Come on baby, let go," he said and sucked on your clit. That was your breaking point. The tension in your gut snapped and your hips snapped as you came, but Mark never once slowed down as you came, making sure to prolong your orgasm as much as possible. You whined telling him that it was getting to much and he slowly halted his movements. He crawled up and over your drained figure and kissed your forehead softly. 

"Think you can do that one more time for me baby?" He whispered, peering down intently at your facial expression, looking for any sign that you didn't want to continue. You nodded, still in too much shock to say any coherent words. 

Mark took your left hand and kissed the back of it before quickly pulling off his sweats and underwear. 

You watched him climb back over you and adjust himself in front of your entrance, "Ready?" He asked, awaiting your approval. You nodded yet again, this time pulling him back down for another kiss as he pushed himself into you slowly, giving you time to adjust to his size. 

"Shit" You both gasped, the feeling overwhelming. It was more than just sex right now. Right now it was showing each other how much you really loved the other, and that somehow made the feeling even more overwhelming. 

He stayed still for awhile when he bottomed out, both of your labored breathing filled the silence of the room. 

"Go," you said looking up at him, his gaze patiently awaiting yours, nothing but loved filled his eyes and you could look at him forever with that gaze. He nodded and slowly pulled out before setting a steady pace. The light sound of slapping and quiet moans filled the room. The sensitivity from your last irgasm cause your walls to tighten and relax constantly around him as he continued thrusting into you causing him to grunt. 

"I'm not gonna last very long if you keep doing that." 

Instead of responding you reached for his arm with your own and intertwined your fingers as he began to speed up, his patience wearing thin as he got closer.

"Cum with me baby, come on," he encouraged you, going faster with each snap of his hips, "just a little bit longer, yeah?"

You moaned in response, the familiar feeling built up in your stomach as you squeezed his hand, telling him you were close. His hips got faster before suddenly he stopped, painting your walls with his cum.

You were on the brink of the edge but didn't quite make it, and he noticed right away, so his hand went to your neglected clit and ran circles around it, sending you over the edge and convulsing around his oversensitive cock in your core. You moaned out his name a few times before coming down from the high and looked up at him. You knew you probably looked like a mess, smudged mascara and a flushed face and messy hair, but to him he thought you were the prettiest girl in the whole world.

The thought of losing you terrified him and he realized that today. The sound of Mark crying was one that you never wanted to hear again. You were each other's worlds. 

"I love you." He said, kissing your forehead and laying down next to you, wrapping his arm and your waist.  

"I love you too," you said, turning to face him. "Never again." You said, referring to the worst day you've experienced, the arguments, the break up, the tears. Never again. 

"Never again." He whispered back before pulling you in closer and holding you tighter than ever before. 

 

[goodbye-goodwinter]

Barbara:

hello everyone! on this date (02/07) trixie mattel released her 3rd studio album: Barbara.

i have many thoughts and feelings about her new music and i can’t wait to share them with you today!

barbara’s release:

ive basically been waiting for the release of this album for over a year. she first mentioned that she was beginning to work on her 3rd album in september of 2018 in an online interview (GQ i believe) but nothing else was really announced for a few more months. yellow cloud was played for the first time at the sony hall show in late 2018 too, so people speculated that it would feature on the 3rd album.

on the 17th of may yellow cloud was released as the beginning of a new “era”. it was poppy, punchy, and light. the music video was somewhat familiar with the whole “child’s toy” look but the sound was unlike anything we had heard before.

during the documentary’s festival run, she began playing a song by the name of, “hello, goodbye, hello’. lyrically and rhythmically beautiful, it’s amazing to think that it was written by trixie 10 years ago. it was beginning to become a strong contender for the next spot on the TM3 possible track list.

twitter stans may remember “plastic car”. an unreleased song that was recorded at a show in calgary. the meaning of the song is unknown but it seemed to have some incredibly sad themes. the clip of the song made rounds on trixie stan twitter. it was believed to be put on the next album.

well, guess what? absolutely none of those songs were put on the album.

a recording of hello, goodbye, hello was released on the documentary’s soundtrack, yellow cloud become a non-album single after the official track list was announced and plastic car will apparently never be recorded according to trixie (holding fingers she may not keep her promise ✌️).

Barbara Tracklist:

my opinion on each song is my opinion !! i am a musician but im a classically trained woodwind player so please forgive me for any strange wording or lack of musical terms (im gonna use “vibes” a lot, so, get used to that).

SIDE A:

Malibu

7.5/10

the song really makes you believe that it has set the tone and sound for the album. it’s light, fun, and beachy. i find it slightly repititve but other than that, it’s something summery and easy to listen to. vibes.

We Got the Look

8.4/10

love it!! the 15 second audio clip she put on the album visualizer does it no justice!! this song shows a completely different side of trixie’s voice and she uses her tone to her advantage. her voice sounds amazing constrasting the female backup singers. although not written by trixie, i feel like the lack of emotional connection with the lyrics helps the listeners to focus on trixie’s voice and the sound of the song. VIBES !

Girl Next Door

8.9/10

yes!!!! it’s a song that i feel like really embodies trixie’s character. if “trixie” was a real person, she would of definitely written this song. it’s strangely addictive and sugary, and throughout the whole song it becomes even more fun and feminine. it’s the type of song that doesn’t sound like it’s aggravatingly-catchy. it’s the type of song that i wouldn’t mind having as an ear worm for a couple days.

jesse, jesse

9.5/10

top 3 for me, definitely. i could care less about jesse eye-sand-berg, but this song is so well-written and mapped out. i love every bit of it. you don’t have to know what the song is actually about to fall in love with it. i love the guitar solo near the end, i love the chorus, lyrics, sound, the vib e s.

SIDE B

Gold

10/10

i was most excited for gold. i first heard it when she played 20 seconds of it in the elite daily office video and instantly fell in love. when the days leading up to the album were filled with sneak-peaks of songs (especially gold) i began to worry i would feel underwhelmed when it was officially released. i was so wrong. i love listening to music that has “layers” and gold definitely has many. it has that teary-optimism that is so present in many of trixie’s past songs and is something i relate to heavily. it’s a gorgeous song that you’ll have to listen to hundreds of times before you are completely done “exploring” it. i love the message, the sound, and all the inbetween.

I Don’t Have a Broken Heart

i don’t have a broken heart is the type of song that gently navigates you through its gentle twist and turns of its musical landscape. i love the little “acoustic runs” in the middle of the song. the lyrics before each verse have some sort of deeper meaning that im urging to figure out. only complaint? i feel like the journey of the song ends too abruptly. either way, i feel like it’s a beautiful homage to the nostalgic one stone sound of 2018.

I Do Like You

9.8/10

this is quite possibly a tie for favorite with gold. i believe this is the best showcase of trixie’s lyrical genius. it’s so raw, and pure. it almost feels too intimate. i feel like im listening to something im not meant to. and i love it. it’s not what you expect from a song titled “i do like you” but at the same time it makes so much sense. “and i don’t like it when i feel ive been had, and i don’t like it when i go to bed mad. just to wake up again at the middle of the night. why do you leave baby, why do we fight?”. something so simple makes my heart break all over again. it’s a song that isn’t trying to be something deep or strange or obscure, it’s different and slow and so very raw, and open.

stranger

a homage to the first gay men to come out. the story behind this song is heartbreaking and yet the history is so very intriguing. trixie makes it her own, she makes it into something that seems so very alien to the original context and time of the song. 40 years later, it’s being played on a chart-topping album by a world famous drag queen. it’s saying goodbye and yet saying hello at the same time. it’s sad and difficult and sob inducing. now to you, now to you.

final thoughts:

barbara is a journey. it’s an album you believe you understand after the first two songs, but as you continue to listen everything changes around you. the tone, the timbre, the texture. it’s something you don’t expect and yet you welcome it with open arms. it’s my favorite album of trixie’s so far, she truly did pour her heart and soul into it. and im so very proud of her for it.

thank you for reading! please please please let me know what you think of Barbara!

-tessa

[wexhappyxfew]

happy 10 days till landslide day!!!! 🥳✨ my q is what has been your favorite thing about writing three siblings’ povs in a period like 1940s poland? what are any differences/similarities you’ve noticed between writing these 3 characters vs your 3 oc’s from soldiers of stars? 💚💚 AHHHHH I’M SO EXCITED!!!!

OMG HELLO!!! :)) happy 10 days till landslide day ah i love that!! 🥺💛 thank u for stopping by, i appreciate it sm!! and i’m glad to finally be able to do one of these today!! and youre question is FASCINATING i love it! :) AND IM GLAD YOURE EXCITED!

My favorite thing about writing 3 siblings’ POVs especially in the time period of 1940s Poland in the middle of World War Two, is definitely their founded relationship that they already have. And that’s one thing I really try to show throughout the beginning portion of this story, that their relationship has been founded long before this story and it’s context are even relevant.

I haven’t written anything yet where siblings are the main focus of a Band of Brothers fic, so getting to write Natia, Klimeck and Ryzshard has been truly so much fun! There’s no real building + having to create a relationship in the story because when we enter their lives we enter 23 year old Natia, 25 year old Klimeck and 19 year old Ryzshard - where they’ve already known each other all their lives and have been around each other, with their family, memories, sad and happy moments (+ a moment that bonded them even stronger together in the beginning of the war which i haven’t hinted at quite a few times)

And with their POVs, even though Natia is the main POV, I showcase Ryzshard and Klimeck in various portions of the story multiple times and I tried to really make it where you can clearly see why they are related and how they are similar in various layers. They all have very similar mindsets in different aspects of the story, as well as similar views on war and the ways they react to certain things - mostly because of the morals their parents raised them on and how they were brought up as children of the Cutlural Elites of Poland. So they all relatively experience similar feelings and emotions and experiences from a specific moment that spans the rest of the time in war which I can’t explain much of yet, but you’ll know it when it comes up in the story!! :)

AND OH INTERESTING QUESTION!!!

Yes, they are similarities and differences between the two mainly because in both of these books, we deal with 3 OCs, with 3 (well 6 if u think about it that way) personalities, backstories and relationships and memories!!

The main difference is obviously because Natia, Klimeck and Ryzshard are all SIBLINGS! And siblings bonds can be VERY VERY strongly held together especially after traumatic moments that affect all 3 of them at the same time.

Hazel, Catherine and Lizzie are all different human beings who cross paths together in life and become a form of a sisterly relationship and friendship through their own bonds and experiences.

That I feel is the main different because in The Soldier of Stars, I had to heavily build up that relationship among the three women to make it real and make it feel real and by the end I feel I really accomplished that.

In Landslide, having siblings as the three main OCs, you already have in your mind - okay they are SIBLINGS - they know each other, they know things about one another and have experienced things with one another that other people, even me the author or you the reader might not know! Having a sibling myself, I base many relationships off of that actually and we have a really close relationship and even though we are different in many aspects, people just know we’re sisters 😅 And so I really try to take those concepts from my life into the story and create that in Landslide!!

For The Soldier of Stars, it was more about the sisterly bond of female friends who find a sisterhood within one another and I based that off of my real life friendships with my own friends who are like sisters to me! :) Thats generally what I go off of, and that’s one of the main differences between The Soldier of Stars and Landslide with their main characters!

I feel they are quite similar though because having 3 main OCs as your main characters for portions of the story makes them your focus really. So Natia/Klimeck/Ryzshard really parallels to Hazel/Catherine/Lizzie because in the whole of it all, in their groups, they hold similar relationships that just make the entire story, it’s story! To have that sisterly bond, or the family bond, or even the FOUND FAMILY bond just adds another level above the good writing, the description, the emotion, all of that sort of stuff, and that’s something I have really enjoyed just seeing people say about Hazel/Catherine/Lizzie - OMG I LOVE THEYRE RELATIONSHIP or This is the best part of the book for me - and I’m happy to create a relationship like that for people 💛

I hope this explained it, I tried as best as I could but when I can’t give out spoilers for Landslide, it makes it a bit harder to do LOL 😅 but I’m planning on revisiting this when I do finish up Landslide and can finally explain this more in depth! thank u sm for the question, it means a lot! 💛💛

[ofphcenixes]

THE PHOENIX || BLUE HAWTHORNE.

ok i won’t lie i stole this intro from veritas 2 kdJKDGF BUT ! if you want to get to know this guy definitely hit the readmore below *shaky eye emoji*. also hi i’m lilac i’m an admin and also a sims enthusiast anyways, back onto what’s important here, this lil bean called red blue !

personality

THANK YOU FOR SUBSCRIBING TO BLUE FACTS. PLEASE TEXT ‘STOPBLUE’ TO CANCEL YOUR SUBSCRIPTION.

but if you have seen blue’s blog sidebar and title, i feel like you will gather a LOT about his personality lmfao

he is playful, jocular, and honestly? immature

always looking for the childhood he never got to have, y’know?

he is secretly very insecure and always has a need to please. if someone doesn’t like him, he’ll tear himself apart to figure out why.

he’s always telling jokes and always laughing. he’s known for his Memes and is always a good time to be around… if you know what i mean ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

but also Anti-( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) because ya boi has commitment issues so high they’re past the inevitable spaghetti monster that’s probably floating out there in space

he can also be very maternal when the need arises. he is not good at talking about emotions but he’ll give you a meme or a plate of cookies to Heal You

honestly? the human embodiment of a puppy. cannot be alone for very long, has a short attention span, and craves validation lmfao. give him a squeaky toy and he will be Contented

as a footballer he can be Tough on field when he needs to be but he’s also v sensitive and talks to birds he passes on his morning runs like he’s a disney princess djkgfdk

he struggles academically as he has a short attention span most of the time and thinks too little of himself. however, he’s a lot brighter than most people give him credit for. he’s incredibly creative and a lateral thinker. maths makes him want to die, tho.

also what’s money? blue does not know

to many, blue’s known as the troubled kid who turned his life around. to others, he’s known as the local Meme Dealer. but to a lucky few, he’s known as a friend who would do anything for you.

most just know him as the moron named after a colour tho.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

history. (trigger warning: illness, death, drugs, depression)

WHO’S READY FOR SOME CHROMATIC CONTENT

blue hawthorne, who never goes by his birthname bc he hates it dfkjgdgdf ( what is his birthname ? he’ll never tell ┌( ಠ‿ಠ)┘ ) was born right here in ashmont.

despite not having a lot - he grew up with just him and his mum ( his father left before he was born, never knew a thing about him ), in a tiny trailer park on the outskirts of town. a far cry from the opulent manors peppered all throughout town, and the very lifestyle blue’s mother was accustomed to as a child. however, the pair were content as long as they were together.

despite not having much, blue loved every second of his childhood. he wore his mischief like a crown, smiling wherever he went. he’d always resonated with a love of music and dance, and like his mother before him, danced. ballet was his passion growing up, and started as young as 5.

as a child blue was often teased for this, and the fact that he was so close with his mother. he was also very outspoken and strong-willed, and never let his peers get the best of him. he danced, he laughed, he bruised his knees at any given opportunity. what he lacked in possessions he gained in the abundance of joy he felt in his heart growing up. his mother and a few of his close friends were his world.

when blue turned ten, everything changed.

the jubilant, mischievous, but altogether kind-hearted boy was given the heart-breaking news that his mother had been diagnosed with cancer. margarette hawthorne, much like her son, was a fighter - and didn’t let such a diagnosis keep her down. despite their dwindling lack of funds now going towards medical bills, and the fact blue began sacrificing his own childhood as he took to the role of a caretaker of sorts for his mother, he never took his time with her for granted.

things were okay for a while. there was a point where the doctors were convinced that she was going to make it. blue was a fool. blue believed them.

at the age of thirteen, blue lost everything. he lost his place to live, he lost his childhood and lust for life, and he lost the person he loved most in the world. he lost his best friend.

it wasn’t long before the overbearing sympathy from those around him soured blue. he was sick of being bullied, people not liking him, and altogether not being in control. so what did this boy do ? he quit ballet (the thing he’d loved since he was able to stand), he started drinking, he got involved in a very bad crowd and became a frequenter of the local ashmont police station. blue became a certified Bad Boy™

blue was sent to live with the grandparents that despised him and never acknowledged his existence before that moment. righteous and conservative in their views, they had cast aside their daughter when she had blue out of wedlock, and only reached out to her in her final months. for this reason, blue despised these people (he refused to call them family). he tried his best to be appreciative of a house and food ( which was much better than anything he had growing up ). but he was cold. always cold.

as a teenager, blue fell into a rapid succession of bad decisions. still small, still frail in stature, he found himself at a dissonance with his image and began growing insecure about his looks, the years of torment weighing on him. he found anesthetic in the party scene outside of school, taking to alcohol and drugs as a sedative from the life he felt forced to lead. his grandparents were pigeon-holing him into a preppy, studious boy who’d go on to be a banker or a lawyer, when all blue had wanted to do was be himself. he couldn’t decide if he hated himself or he hated the world more.

at the age of 16, his rap sheet seemed to grow with each rising of the sun. he’d fallen in with a bad crowd, hardly ever heading ‘home’ and couch surfed. at the age of 16 he’d gotten his own car and lived more out of that than the stuffy house on top of the hill where he was supposed to stay. his grades were sinking towards the bottom of the barrel, he was always looking for validation from the bad kids he hung around with and made some very poor decisions in the hopes he’d be liked. in the hopes he’d find a new family.

the partying, the stream of hook ups, his criminal record (mainly with traffic offences, a few write ups for public intoxication and fighting), sobriety, the instability of his living situation and his future all came to boil just before he turned 17. physically he’d started to fill out, and look more like the man people know today. he was no longer frail and no longer weak, and when asked, he used to his fists to forge that path he thought he wanted.

after a dark night, it became apparent to blue that his path of self destruction was hurting no one but himself. whether by choice or by accident, he knew he wasn’t ready to see his mother again. so… he’d hit rock bottom with a spectacular thud. but blue knew the only way to go from there was up.

through nothing short than a McMiracle (sponsored by Ronald McDonald, bc no one else is rich enough to pull it off lmfao) blue managed to scrape by and complete high school.

blue had no doubt his family name (that of his grandparents) helped him secure an athletic scholarship to st etienne. in his year of transformation from 17 to 18 his grandmother had softened to the boy she’d always hated and was riddled with guilt for the years of mistreatment, and promised to pay for his education (that wasn’t covered by his scholarship) as long as he promised to make something of himself. his first year of college, things really started looking up for blue. he was finally back on track.

then woops, grim came a-knocking again

bidding farewell to the grandmother he was only beginning to know, his grandfather had no reason to extend her kindnesses, and cut blue off. at the age of 18 he was homeless, with nothing but a car and a handful of pokemon cards he’d had as a kid. not worth anything or even particularly sentimental, he just likes pokemond kgfjfd.

living in his car for a while before eventually crashing with a close friend, blue managed to absorb his days in study and in work. he quickly found his passion in helping kids, and giving them the childhoods that he never got. going into teaching seemed like a no-brainer.

although blue’s wild days are behind him, there are some things locked in his past that still haunt him. there are doors he never hopes to open again. but he got his fresh start, and is determined to live the life a young blue would have wanted for him, and one his mother could be proud of.

then the grim reaper came back a third time, his scythe begging for daisey rutherford.

the investigation.

blue’s connection to daisey is that they danced in ballet classes together… as you can imagine, daisey had to put on her Evil Training Wheels somewhere and unfortunately, blue was one of her earliest victims. teased constantly for his appearance, his love of ballet, his lack of wealth, and on awful days, his single parent household.

for the most part blue had grown resilient in ignoring these comments. but he never forgot how daisey mistreated him, and sparked a wave of similar comments from people in their year when they were only children.

hey now im not gonna rEVEAL (bc what if he is ??? :o ) anything relating to the crime if he was the murderer, but know he is Lorge and Strong and could probably push daisey over with his finger lmfao

it’s also worth noting that one of daisey’s parents, a beloved surgeon, treated blue’s mother whilst she was in hospital with cancer. the late detection of its return is what caused her death, and blue has been vocal in his blame in the rutherford family for the loss of the person closest to him ever since.

now i’m not saying blue did anything… but if he did, his ‘eye for an eye’ motive ? maybe not as crazy as you may think. especially when you consider your boi already has a criminal record. ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

plots.

atm i am still working on blue’s blob and getting his stats/connections page up BUT !! here are a few fun lil plots beyond his skeleton connections that i’d absolutely love to explore. also here’s his current connections page for further ideas ! 

CHILDHOOD FRIENDS  - blue grew up in ashmont, and didn’t have a lot of friends kfgjfd. if your muse would have been down for a Young Memey Mess that’s fond of a pirouette, blue is your Man. on the flip side, if your muse is one of the Cool Kids and is looking for potential animosity, i’d love someone who tried to squash blue like a bug in their youth (~:

FLIRTATIONSHIP - blue is currently in a (hidden) relationship, and for the first time in his life, gasp, might have feelings. but he’s a fucking walnut and refuses to admit that, so a plot of someone with an unrequited crush, a fun flirtationship, or even someone that just wants to be his wingman would not only be fun, but also incredibly painful - which is what we deserve. 8) (also note, blue is bisexual so any muse would work. <3)

COWORKERS - blue works as a trainer at the ashmont fitness centre ( …. dont @ maaria for the page not being done fgjdgkdf  WE ARE IN THE PROCESS OF UPDATING THE PAGES NOW KDFJGDKFJ). but i’d always be down for plots in the workplace !!

UBER - sorry for the lame ass name lmao but dkjfgfkd blue is not about the party scene anymore ( lowkey bc he’s afraid to get addicted again and throw away everything he’s worked so hard for). but he does care a lot about people, and a pal of his is v much still hooked to that lifestyle and he very dkfgjdf determinedly drives them home every time to ensure they’re safe. could be former party friends, could be current friends in some capacity. maybe there was an incident in their past that blue feels guilt over ( a fight perhaps, trigger warning - maybe an overdose?) and so now he looks after them. or even just having a sibling-like bond, which (as blue is an only child) i’d also love something like that!

STUDY BUDDY - blue is a moron and needs someone to help him not fail kdfjgdf. he may not be naturally adept at getting good grades, but unlike many, he’s trying his absolute hardest. in return, he’s more than happy to be your Meme Dealer. bonus points if it’s unlikely friends, or if they didn’t exactly get along at first. :D

FELLOW FOOTBALLERS - 2 bros sitting in a hot tub five feet apart bc they’re not gay. dkjgdgdf but for REAL. exploring the team dynamic of the football team would be so fun, especially with blue’s reputation and the fact he only started taking up the sport when he was about 15-16, which may be a lot later than other guys in the team.

RIVALS - god they’re probably rivals about memes and i hate that but that’s just what it is :/

ok i have nothing else to say other than thank you for being a sweetheart and reading through this ??? i know it was a McMess but, if you’d like to plot with said mcmess definitely hit me up - or wait it out a lil bc i plan to do some starter stuff and plotting later today. (~: love you all, and viva la daisey ! 

[writingonthemoon]

Old Clothes Part 4

Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3

Word Count: ≈ 2116

Warnings: Mentions of death, murder, fear of failure

Author's Note: Okay, so I accidentally started previously that Odette first Burned when she was nine.  That was incorrect as she was much younger.  Also, this isn’t exactly what I wanted for this part, but I think it sets up my plans for the next part nicely.

Old clothes are always a little strange.  Someone once loved them—cherished them—and now they’re nothing more than a mask.  The quality vanishes with the donation bin.  Dresses for the rich are now for the poor and those for the poor are falling to pieces.  Those stitched by mothers have a different energy about them.  The love that holds the fabric together never quite fades and it always remains soft, even after the countless storms and attacks of nature.  The items warmed your soul whenever they were held and the rush of emotions was overwhelming in the most brilliant way possible.  My sister missed the opportunity for that feeling.

     My mother used to make my clothes for me. She would buy the fabrics and spend an entire Sunday making me a new outfit. They were my favourite things in all the world. We only kept one when we first left. It was the one I was wearing, but it wasn't the same when it was handed down to Clara. Ashes had woven their way into the seams and the smell of fire lingered no matter what we would do. The warmth of love carried the burning of a fire. Delicate lace that lined the edges were rough with hardened emotions.

      I sighed and motioned for my audience to sit down. Jack and Davey pulled chairs out from my table, still staying quite close. Albert grabbed a seat for Crutchie and himself, while Buttons plopped himself on the ground with his legs crossed. "Before I say anything else, you have to promise you won't tell anyone. Not a soul. I shouldn't be telling you any of this since it puts more people than just me in danger, but I think you deserve to know. Promise." I made eye contact with every one of them and they all nodded in reply. "Great. Fantastic. Brilliant." I ran my hand through my hair once again.

     "I was born in London, I believe, in 1791. My father's name is—was James and my mother's name was Lilijah. At least, that's what their names were while I was growing up. The Burn existed long before I was born, probably back when the first monarchies began. It was never meant to be a way of life. The Burn... it was always a safety procedure, a cautionary plan if you will.

     "Say everything goes wrong. You're being framed for murder or are being chased by the police or mafia or it's anything else that's basically the end of the world for you. Well, in my family, that's the end of the world for whomever you were. Then, you are reborn, so to speak.

     "It's simple enough, really. Everything you once owned, your clothes, books, anything that could identify you, would be taken out to an empty space. There, you set a match to it, lighting everything ablaze and erasing all evidence of you ever existing. It worked exceptionally well when I was little since towns and cities were so spread out and people just died suddenly, but people would notice if you just disappeared since there were so few people living in the area. Today, it's easy to vanish, but harder to locate a burn spot.

     "Once the ashes lay at your feet, you build yourself again. New name, new place, new story. Of course, this plan wasn't meant for frequent use. So you have to get creative sometimes. I can't even tell you how many people I've become. My name is Odette Davenport, though. It's the one thing I've always known. I don't know my birthday, where I'm truly from, how I prefer my tea or if I even like tea. At this point, Odette is just another character I'm to play before I move on from this place."

     My gaze met the ground as I paused, not knowing how to go on. Two of these boys were related to me. They have a right to know, but should they? Who knew how many times Clara and Elijah had Burned before settling down and washing the ash from their nailbeds. Did they even share the family shame with anyone or was it the secret that killed them? No, they should know. They should know why.

     Jesse. No, he's not Jesse. Jesse is gone now, he doesn't matter. This one does. He's different, better than Jesse. In his eyes, I'm a person. A real person who feels the same as others do and thinks the same thoughts. I'm just older, suffering a long-lasting curse, just as he is. His leg was the poison that was crawling through his body and killing him slowly. The water rushed through my veins, stripping away any sign of illness or death, keeping me alive. How I wished I could switch with him, feel sickness and pain and worry about mortality instead of harbouring the fear of my past coming up behind me and pushing me over the edge, only to fall forever.

      Jack and Davey must think I'm insane with my tale. That or they're calling into question what they knew about life and the universe.  Perhaps it was both at once.  The two need not be here, listening to my woes, yet they sit in anticipation, awaiting my next breath.  But why?  This has no consequence upon their lives.  I’m merely a single person in a list of thousands that they’ve met just in a day.  Compared to the years they would exist, it’s an interaction that means most nothing.  Yet they are content with sitting and giving me their attention as if I were the Queen during a time of war.  An odd comparison since my actions would lead me down a far less noble path where I would abdicate the throne and flee the country.

     "I was four when I first Burned.  I had accidentally stolen food and my parents feared the worst.  We weren't living in a town known for forgiveness.  We packed up in the middle of the night, brought everything out to the field.  I still feel the scorching heat on my face sometimes, when I’m at my lowest.  The smell of burning memories in one you never think you'll know, but you’ll never forget it either.  We kept very few things from my first life.  My grandmother's ring," I held up my hand to show off the flat gold front with worn initials carved into the front, "some money, the clothes we were wearing, and our names." There was a small gasp from Buttons and Albert.  The family trait for worry and fear of failure seemed to run deeper than I thought.

     "My brother Elijah Burned when he was five and Clara was only one at the time.  Once again, it was all my fault.  My mind escaped me and I wandered to follow it.  I was only ten and they shouldn’t have blamed me for what I came across." I huffed and shook my head, clearing the daunting image from my brain, "It was a body, what I found.  I...They thought I killed him.  Me, a ten-year-old, killed a fully grown man.  I was going to be arrested, put on death row, for something I didn’t do.  So we Burned.  After that, it became frequent.  The five of us carried matches on our person just in case we had to leave in a hurry.  We no longer controlled the burn.  It controlled us."

     "Wait, you was four when youse did this?" I nodded to Jack, confirming the answer he knew, "But you was just a kid!  That ain’t right!"

     "I lived in different times, Jack.  Very different times.  I was British in America not eight years after the War for Independence.  They would do anything to get rid of us.  It was like we were a plague when we wanted out of England the same way they did." I glanced out the dingy window, seeing the onset twilight, "Oh god, I best be going." I pushed myself off the table I was perched on, "Thank you for the supplies to fix myself up and I guess for listening to part of my life story." My mouth met the cheeks of each boy in thanks, something I had picked up in my travels.  I started backing out of the room when Crutchie’s face caught my eye.  He was crestfallen, the corners of his mouth turning down as he sighed and kicked lightly at the ground.  I couldn't just leave like this.  Not after what I had told them all.  But I needed to. "Do one of you think you could walk me to my hotel?  It is quite dark and I don’t want to be in any danger."

     Before anyone could respond, Jack stepped forward, "I'll take ya.  I know dese streets betta than anyone else." He led me out the Lodging House as I waved at the boys in a final goodbye.  I uttered the address of my temporary arrangements and we stalked the streets in silence, becoming long shadows that extend for miles around sharp corners.  I watched Jack more than the path ahead of me, trying to piece together the mystery I wanted to know.  He and Davey... what was it about them?

     "You know, if ya wanna look at me, starin' like that ain't too covert."

     "Davey," Jack's posture straightened and I could tell his breaths were shallowing, "there's something about him you like, isn't there.  More than just a friend perhaps."

      "I don't know what youse talkin' 'bout.  Dave is one a my best friends," I saw the slight fall in his expression, turning to sadness and bitterness, "Why would there be anything else to 'im that I like?  It's not like I'll just listen to him go on hours 'bout nothin'.  And it ain't his pretty eyes or soft hair or anything.  Definitely not." He shook his head and met my gaze, a pleading look on his face.  Nobody could know.  Even if Jack couldn't help himself when it came to talking about his counterpart, no one could know.

     "Definitely not." I winked at him and we chuckled.  A quiet followed afterwards until Jack broke the invisible barrier

     "You ain't gonna leave us, right?  Not yet?"

     I stared him dead in the eye, ready to avoid making the real decision, "Of course not.  There’s still so much you all don't know yet."

     "Great.  I think Al and Buttons really enjoy having you here.  Crutch too.  He doesn't trust many too much.  There's only a few of us he’s real close to.  Somethin' about you is different.  I could see it in his face.  I think he really likes ya." I blushed at the thought of Crutchie liking me.  It wasn't a concept that was foreign to me, but I didn't expect it from this boy after hearing I was immortal.

      The middle-class building loomed above us, beckoning me towards the room I had booked, "I guess this is me." I shrugged and thanked Jack for walking me.  he stole a hug before running back into the night.  My fingers found my hair as I entered the building, climbing the stairs.  The room I had booked was tiny, a single bed crammed against the wall and a trunk placed at the end.   A window was across from the door, leading to the fire escape, and there was a cracked mirror mounted by a closet that would fit only a child.

     My fingers found their way around the room, collecting my things as my mind ran around the world, searching for a place to run to.  The checklist was losing empty boxes and the panic inside me wasn't reflected on the outside. This was normal.  My footsteps were almost nonexistent as I floated out of the room and to the empty bathroom shared by all the guests on my floor.  The lock flicked shut at my will and I carefully stacked my items within the confines of the bathtub.  I opened the window to filter the air into the black night.

     But the boys.  I couldn't do this to them.  My family.  Crutchie.  It wasn't fair that I was leaving them in the dark, no idea of the end or middle of the story.  then again, life was never fair either.  Certainly not this one.  The moment I started this, it went downhill.  I studied the pile across from me, spinning the historic ring around my finger.  My hand found the box in my pocket.  A snap of the wrist later and my face was illuminated with the soft glow of the burning match. Ashes were always the beginning, but what was the end?

[jodywegner]

A bad day. (I just need to rant into the abyss of the internet)

I’ve never actually left work early for a bad day before. But I felt that today if I didn’t, I’d end up embarrassing myself and ruining all of my relationships with my coworkers or better yet end up in the HR office. It was just an accumulation of a few too many small things that have been building up for months while I’m emotionally vulnerable.

I also know that none of my coworkers will ever see this post. But even if they do, I doubt they were aware of my feelings. The worst part is that nothing is really anyone’s fault. There’s no bad guy, and that makes it all the more frustrating, and that finally came to a head today. Because I can’t chew people out for doing nothing wrong. Sorry for the long post. Lotta resentments getting bottled up.

So context. 1. My grandfather has been in declining health for a while now. This isn’t very upsetting for me. He’s in his mid 90s and lived a full life. We were all provided for and everything is taken care of. For me, it feels more like a natural thing that is now finally happening. My aunt and my father have been fighting for years over different things, but my grandfather’s declining health has definitely rekindled the flames of war. 2. I work in TV animation production, and my goal is to become a storyboard artist. I’ve made that goal clear. I’ve asked for tests but I can never get any. I’ve asked for feedback and no one has given me any. The shining star of this was my boss giving me 5 long minutes of not quite saying “it’s not good enough.” I figured he was busy and didn’t want to hurt my feelings. He did say that if he hadn’t hired our then current revisionist, he’d love to have me start as one. Since then, he’s hired 4 more revisionists who have come and gone for different reasons. 3. I don’t think I draw that fucking bad. I’ve been told my artists I work with “why don’t you have an art job yet?” which the answer is “because no one will fucking give me one when I ask and you guys aren’t in a position to.” (they mean it as a compliment but it just really keeps bringing me down whenever I fail) And there are a lot of people my age getting art jobs while I’m not and yah I’m not that old but it’s very stressful and discouraging regardless of logic and optimism. 4. My intern this last semester showed my boss a sample board and got extensive notes and feedback and was offered freelance revision work even though she’s still a junior in college. She’s 3 years younger than me and was here for 2 months. My boss literally walked into my office then started talking to her in the adjacent cube over the wall about how good she is and the upcoming freelance revisionist work. And I have to sit there quietly and pretend it’s not killing me. 5. I’m lactose intolerant. 6. I guess I’ve been suffering from job related depression for the above reasons. Nothing major, I’m not suicidal, but I’m definitely very unhappy and going to work is definitely not a fun or even neutral experience anymore. It’s hard because the correct answer to my problem is “git gud’ and we all know how NOT FUCKING HELPFUL that is. Today 1. I get a text from my parents at 6 am telling me that my grandfather has passed away. We went over yesterday to say our goodbyes expecting him to pass either today or tomorrow. We left at around 8pm and asked my aunt to call us when he passed and that we’d come over. So my parents find out that he passed away at 6 am today. From a third party that isn’t even FUCKING RELATED TO US. Apparently my grandfather had passed away 10 minutes after we left yesterday, and she decided not to let us know. We had to find out through some other person offering my father his condolences. 2. Well the two coworkers I am closest with were late for miscellaneous reasons so I kinda had to keep #1 bottled up for 2 hours. 3. When things happen, I bluster and storm for the first hour before calming down and becoming rational. So I’m sitting at my desk all morning trying my best to keep my shit together because I’m absolutely fuming and was (forbid) by my mother to retaliate. She’s not wrong but there’s a lotta stress and emotions here. (3.5. Although I was directly forbid retaliation, I still went ahead and planned it anyways because it was a mildly constructive use of my stress. DM me if you want to know how to ruin someone’s entire week and never get caught.) 4. I took some Lactaid 30 minutes before I decided to finish my leftover mac n cheese from the fancy food truck yesterday as breakfast. Yah the Lactaid didn’t work at all for some ungodly reason... It’s 9am and I’m in a lot of pain both physically and emotionally now.... 5. So one of my favored coworkers finally beats traffic and gets in so I go to talk to her about all of this. I immediately get cry-y. Which blah blah blah crying is part of grieving but I can do that later. It’s not great when I’m at work because crying opens up the floodgate of emotions and the near impossible task of re-wrangling them under control is now daunting. Emotional fortitude -50. And people just kinda didn’t notice that I was crying and upset and not very quietly recounting this horrible morning story. They kinda walked right by. Not a single person other than that one coworker (and my other favored one who came in a bit later) offered me any condolences or asked about how I was doing of if I was ok. It’d be one thing if that happened and no one was around and I regained my composure. BUT I DIDN’T. 6. That fucking intern (who’s a nice person but god I wish they’d stop existing in my life. It’s fucking petty but today is really the worst day for it so fuck it I’m saying it.) is coming in for a big storyboard meeting between all the board artists, revisionists, and supervisors. So I had to see her and pretend to smile and be pleasant and supportive while I’m emotionally compromised, grieving, pissed, and now petty and jealous all over again. So I get that out of the way and I sit back down and get to work. 7. The other coworker I like to talk to comes in. She was a former intern who also wants to be a board artist so we try to help each other in our endeavors together. She’s an optimist. She says that she’s going to ask if she can sit in on the meeting and asks if I’d like to come along. Bless her outgoing-ness that I struggle with. But as much as I’d like to... that’s a room full of people who either forgot that I want to be a board artist, don’t care, or are straight up ignoring me about it and keep doing and saying all of these unintentionally hurtful things to and near me. Also that fucking intern is there. Also I’m pissed. Also I’m emotionally distraught. So I declined her offer. Even if I could get something good out of that meeting, I’m pretty sure I would have just had a breakdown in the corner. So I didn’t want to embarrass myself like that or make people feel uncomfortable for doing their normal business. 8. So by this point I’m sure I’m going to be snippy or mean or start crying in front of people, so my goal was to finish my most important task and leave at noon. I finish, I grab my bag to leave. As I do, they all get out of their storyboard meeting and bluster past me because they are now late for seeing the storyboard trainee program final presentations. GREAT. 9. Another production coworker of mine comments on how its important for them to go in case they see anyone they’d like to hire as a revisionist. I fianlly hit FUCKIT and say “IM GOING HOME.” And so I go to walk to the elevators. 10. I chose the wrong time to walk to the elevators because everyone in that meeting is waiting at the elevators to go look at the storyboard trainee presentations and scope out the new talent. They’re in too much of a busy mind to notice that I’m about to cry and am probably glaring with white knuckles as I clutch my bag. Luckily for me the elevator is full and I have an excuse to take the next one and not theirs. A part of me wished that they would say “come on in! i’m sure you can fit!” But... stuff like that never happens with them. No one goes out of their way to include me in things. So... whatever. Maybe I’m just being negative trying to find the bad in every little thing, but this is a rant so I’m going to do just that because fuck the consequences of people liking me and thinking I know how to adult properly. 11. I’m driving home and get a message from my coworker (glanced at a long red dont arrest me pls wait till tomorrow) saying that the intern asked if I had sent her intern evaluation to her school yet. I did. A few weeks ago. This isn’t really a bad thing it’s just that I was finally fucking free and just about to not have any reason to keep it together but then BAM. Intern shows up in my life again. Right after I though it was all over. A little god damn poke. Now So I managed to drive home without crashing into buildings or furiously honking and I am now just holding my cat and typing this. I’m pretty sure none of my coworkers will ever see this. A part of me wishes they would and that maybe they’d care, because I really don’t want to have to start a conversation specifically about all of this with them.    Who the hell starts a conversation with: “By the way boss, can you please stop discussing giving the intern freelance work when I’m within earshot let alone in my god damn 6′x8′ cube?” “Hey boss, remember when I asked you for feedback and got none? Why does the intern get your full attention when you are even busier?” “Hey boss, why have you hired 4 more revisionists when you said that’d you’d love to have me as one? Did you forget? Were you just lying to me because you didn’t know how to give me feedback? Did you even care about what you say to me?” “Hey intern, I understand you are excited and this is a great opportunity for you, but can you please read the room at least a little because I want to cry every single time?” “Hey everyone, I want to be a board artist remember? REMEMBER?” ”Hey everyone... I’m an artist too.” “Hey everyone, can anyone just give me a little help?” ”Hey everyone, if I keep my purse stocked with your allergy medications, pain killers, band aids, digestive relief, girly goods and keep good snacks around and remember your schedules and try to make your jobs easier and serve as your primary IT person...will you remember that I’m here?” “Hey everyone, do you all dislike me or do you all just not care enough to notice me?” They’re all good people, but it’s not stuff that I really know how to say just out of the blue. So today... I just couldn’t stand being even in my own cube anymore. I’m not an outgoing entrepreneurial person who bugs people everyday trying to sell themselves as an artist. I’m someone who tells you my intentions, and asks for help, and then believes people when they tell me sorry they’re busy, that they wish they could help, that they’d love to have me if only not for “x”. No one is entitled to give me a job or help me. But... I don’t get why I’m the only one who gets nothing for a response when I do ask. If they were busy, that’d be fine. But since then things have gotten busier, and my boss personally worked through multiple iterations of my intern’s practice board with her. A good piece of advice I got was that your first 5 tests are awful...but I can’t even get anyone to give me my first one. I’m told to work hard and “git gud”. But it feels like I’m just bashing my head against a brick wall, and no one even acknowledges the effort. It feels like if I decide to stop doing that because I’m about to have a breakdown, I’ll be looked down on as a quitter and not passionate enough. I have passion, but all of this is 100% killing it, and I don’t want to hate art. I really don’t. But I’m starting to. It’s hard for me to enjoy it when now it’s only done to seek attention and approval that I’ll never get from these people. Today would have been difficult still, but not unbearable if not for that. My grandfather’s death isn’t a tragedy for me. He was in pain for a long time and he definitely made the most of his life. The tragedy is that despite all of this, my aunt decided that my family didn’t deserve to know that our grandfather, my father’s father (who lives literally 5 minutes away by car), had passed. I’m definitely not looking forward to the memorial service for my grandfather. Not because the death is hard to deal with but because all of the family there is. Would love to make life terrible for my aunt. Would love to be just as petty. I have so many colorful things to say and do. But ultimately none of that matters. It’s just death. Nothing changes it or adds a new flavor to it. So all of that anger and hurt just kinda snowballed today. And to top it all off as I’m typing this some asshole is beating a dog somewhere in the neighborhood and the dog is screaming and yelping. (called the police so hopefully they find them) Thanks for reading this long negative rant. I hope it helps anyone who is feeling similarly frustrated, because I dont have someone around who’s breaking down quite like I am so this is all I have. Shooting it into the internet in a passive aggressive attempt and chance that maybe someone who needs to read it will. Positive news: I watered my plants with the extra time. I hugged my cat. I will be returning with art for Mermay.

[piamii]

Taking a mental health day from work today but was really conflicted about how to word it.

Last year I took a few mental health days but there were 6 of us so maybe it was less conspicuous

It’s only me this year and I for some reason keep feeling this push pull with my supervisor to be close and honest with her

Last night I was feeling ok about work. But after once again not sleeping properly I feel like somethings up with me

I’m feeling all the ways I used to feel about my mental health

Being small is not okay, it’s not okay to let go, I’m responsible for all of my clients progress and safety

Which is true in a way but

I also have beeen thinking about the difference between me and my supervisor

She’s the only person I see on a regular basis. Like I see her 4 times a week

So I don’t know how to be myself, a postdoc

I keep comparing myself to her

I wondered to myself would anyone else take a mental health day in my position?

Who cares, others aren’t me

It’s like I forgot I’m extremely sensitive and have been sobbing every day and not sleeping well at all during the weekdays

My nutrition and hydration and shit has been ok, so I’m not getting sick which is the weird part

Im so incredibly emotionally constipated

There are so many incredibly destructive thoughts in my head right now that haven’t been addressed

Things have just gotten increasingly harder for a long time now and I can’t tell where adjustment starts and my dysfunctional mental state ends

Is it really ok for me to say work is too much?

Does it make me pathetic?

Didn’t I feel this way in all previous years too?

2nd year, it wasn’t like this but at least I was more honest with myself about how anxious and nervous I was about work. I definitely took it easy and complained more often. I slept poorly frequently on clinical days and would feel really angry about it. I don’t think I got sick more than once that year

3rd year i wasn’t sleeping quite as poorly but still had sleep problems, hated my commute. That was the year I kind of had to start blocking people out of my life, like not completely but was so down and exhausted that I couldn’t function socially outside of work and school. I didn’t get sick much tho. Definitely noticed SAD symptoms starting this year but to be honest felt somewhat depressed on and off through early winter until spring which is I guess the colder darker months in OR. I think I had some SI but it was towards the end of winter

4th year was when I had more somatic issues. My sleep was honestly not bad that year comparatively speaking but when m and I broke up during internship application season I had a bunch of health issues that resolved shortly after my interviews ended. Tbh internship interviews were a nice reprieve from the dark slump that probably would have hit me if I had just done school in the winter. I had my first sinus infection in spring and went to see Slushii anyways Hahahha.

Internship year... I had a sinus infection too and got a cold maybe 2 other times. Last year was the most I’ve ever gotten sick. I took a mental health day maybe like 3 times and actually used sick days too. I want to say this was the hardest year for me mental health wise until this year in terms of symptoms but the best in terms of self care. By like April/May I was feeling really good about life. Maybe it’s the weather here too idk

This year feels so much harder than the other years combined. I’ve used one sick day and two mental health days and I’m having a hard time understanding where I’m at mental health wise in conjunction with who I need to be to do well at work. It feels like I’m growing at an unmanageable pace. I’ve had the most frequent SI I’ve ever had in my life which is somewhat alarming to me. I’m safe don’t worry but I’m just saying the thoughts coming into my head. My sleep is getting reallynfucked up over these last 2 weeks. I sleep like a baby on the weekends which makes me feel like it’s stress related. On one hand I’m acclimating to this insane amount of stress and on the other hand it feels like every day I’m being stretched open and carved out.

I’m not even ruminating that much before bed anymore. Like I’m not actively distressed like I used to be when things hit me hard last year. I’m just constantly unhappy and anxious this year which I feel like is my lot in life right now. My self care has gotten much better last year and this year, but this year it’s been harder to find ways to relax. Things went downhill really fast, when the seasons finally changed here and I started seeing 4 of my clients in the field. I am most definitely consistently working over 40 hrs a week now. I tried really hard last year to work less whenever I could and honestly the agency was pretty good about giving us a reasonable workload. But now it feels like I’m meeting the real world, where work just comes at you and never says sorry. You had to do extra and stay longer this week? Sucks for you. You have to completely uproot your already untenable schedule because one of your clients has really a really complex risk presentation? Welp that’s the price of doing this work.

Like when I was told the weeks here typically don’t go past 40 hrs I feel like I was lied to. I feel alone and singled out bc I’m the only postdoc this year. I want to know how C felt 2 years ago. If there were 2 of us I feel like I’d be having an okay time. Can you fucking believe they had a hard time building to full caseload last year? It cannot be just me in this position. I want to give up every day.

I don’t feel protected I don’t feel like I can ever let my guard down. There is no one I talk to regularly that I can be honest with. I don’t have the energy to relay this information to the people I do talk to regularly which at this point is my supervisor and M. And like hell im going to tell my supervisor this stuff.

Is this the real world?

Something tells me it is, but I have to find a way through it somehow

I’m still debating about this one client. She’s on my mind a lot and I’m scared which is probably a parallel experience to what her family is experiencing.

The fuck you mean our ethical duty? What am I supposed to take away from that convo? I know I have my own voice and opinion but that made me feel really bad for not doing exactly as you said. I know I tend towards the anxious paranoid side of things but that really scared me because instilll can’t think straight about this client and I sure as hell cant go to you.

The relationship between e and I has changed too, I think she’s overwhelmed too

Something that keeps popping up over and over again is- how fucking awful it would be for a client to complete suicide

I know it happens and it’s time I face that this could happen

It’s a terrifying thought and I almost don’t want to tell anyone that I’m having it

It feels shameful and dangerous to think about, because if I can’t handle it who could?

Who can contain this for me and tell me it’s okay? I don’t want to fucking hear that I should do more

It’s a complex mess of emotions inside my head. I understand why I would need to do more in this situation but there’s no room for it. I want help in trying to balance but my schedule is already unbalanced and bringing me into a dark place emotionally.

What if because I took today off no one sees my hospital patients all week?

Friday is going to suck ass if that’s the case

I could ask my supervisor directly to see them

But I want to be small today

And that would take a lot from me

How does the psychology service work at the hospital during Xmas break?

Uhhhh....

Shit.

I’m scared for some stupid reason that someone will make me stay during break or I’ll have to work some crazy stupid long hours on Friday

I hate ongoing patients bc they still need to be seen but it’s kind of your choice whether or not to see them

It’s like adding an automatic to do to the list every time I’m there but the task takes 2 hrs at least

I’m always scared I have to stay late at the hospital, luckily the latest has been 6:30 but I’m terrified every time I go in that it’s going to be longer

This is new for me and it’s ok to get freaked out

To not have a clear idea how much I am going to work each day and each week really puts me off

I feel pathetic because aren’t there a lot of jobs that are unpredictable like that? Especially once you become salaried ?

My stomach is starting to hurt

It’s weird because I haven’t gotten any somatic symptoms this year but I’ve also been sobbing my eyes out every day so maybe that’s why my body is feeling okay. I haven’t really cried the last few days because I’m just very tired of crying at this point, so maybe that’s why my stomach has been hurting a bit more

Every time m says something nice to me, hell anytime anyone says something nice to me I start to cry and I’m just so fucking done with crying and feeling out of control just to have nothing change and things even get harder at work

Fuck!!!!!

I haven’t properly dealt with this terrified feeling

I have to tell myself this feeling is informative but separate from reality

I’m so fucking scared.