#im having a lot of emotions so i'm gonna just use this blog to vent LMAO

[nells-universe]

(⚠️pokemon irl / rotomblr blog, unreality warning!!⚠️ read ooc before interacting!!)

hii hello!! my name is nellie but you can call me nell :) im a girl and im 15!! i have audhd too so umm please be nice

i became a trainer last year but i finally wanted to set out on a journey, and im trying to become the champion!! i love aliens and cryptids and i really want to prove that they're real!! mostly because people still don't understand beheeyem!!

please take me seriously.

MY TEAM!!!!

peridot — espeon — my partner pokemon and best friend!! she loves going exploring with me and sleeping in the sun :D

bixbite — beheeyem — the first pokemon i caught in the wild (when she was still an elgyem!!) she's very curious and likes to follow me around!!

sapphire — boldore — my main battling pokemon!! i found her when i first moved to unova!! she's very affectionate and excitable!!

vivi — eevee — non battler and emotional support pokemon!! she has super cool fur and she's very soft!!

i also have an egg!! no idea what itll be but i hope to take good care of it!!

//OOC UNDER CUT

[also check out pokemoncryptids THEYRE VERY COOL AND INSPIRED ME A LOT!!!]

asks / anons!

musharna mail / malice is off!

pelliper mail is on!

magic anons are off!

in-character anon hate is on!

basically anything else that you can think of is on!

dni / boundaries:

- don't send me any asks that have romantic or sexual implications. this includes sexual humor, joke flirting, or anything similar. i don't care if it's a joke, it makes me very uncomfortable

- if you're gonna be a jerk you can just. leave. i don't need to put up with that 🫶 don't call anyone cringe, and don't bring that stuff onto my blog

- pokemon are treated very similarly to animals here, so don't sexualize them. don't be weird.

tagging guide / content warnings

#pkmn irl resources— reblogged tips and resources for making a rotomblr rp blog

#ic vent— in character vent posts

#blog boosting— new blog intros, reblogging for engagement

#non rotomblr blog— i'll occasionally reblog posts where OP isn't a rotomblr user, this tag is just so people know they aren't involved in any sort of RP

#pokemon pics— ...pokemon pics

- there will be a lot of references to illness, hospitals, or other medical related things. this is all tagged under the general tag of #CW: medical

- this blog will be fairly low stakes for now, but i do plan on making a bigger story for it! all potentially triggering things will be tagged with #CW: [thing], tell me if you need anything tagged or if i forgot something!!

other / about me!

- nell uses she/her, but when referring to me (the mod,) use they/them or he/him!

- i'm autistic and i have adhd! there might be interactions that seem awkward or unnatural, so please try and be patient with me ^_^

- pokemon is my primary special interest, and cryptids come pretty close!! i'm less interested in the supernatural side of them (mothman, jersey devil, etc.) but i do love aliens!! a lot!!

[ all likes and follows come from @.peridotporygon ]

[futurefind]

Hiatus Announcement

//I've alluded to it before but now I'm actually verbalizing it so!! Hiatus announcement be upon ye!! More specifically, a 'pseudo' hiatus, where I'll basically be putting entire blog on 'request only'— I'll prob keep lurking, likely keep posting About my blorbos, absolutely keep any threads, but... Gestures.

Tl;dr, because I'm not good about talking About feelings, and to try and talk about it would make me feel like I'm guilt tripping etc etc: I'm extremely low spoons, and about as low confidence, so I don't have the energy to be proactive and 100% initiate like... anything.

And it'd feel misleading to say 'oh I'm not on hiatus :)' as if I'm on full activity when I'm... not!

If you initiate stuff I'll return the favor and babble back, up to and including just asking me to do xyz (blorbo babbles, inbox raiding, etc)!!

(Edit/PS: As always my discord's available to moots, @/nethernor_i, but since I'll be lurking tumblr IMs also work as usual!!)

(Edit 8.4.24: Just to state the obvious for obvious's sake, again: PLEASE INITIATE/DM/ETC if you want anything!! When I say request only I mean it and so outside of that I'm gonna presume you're not keen on me / us doing anything.)

EDIT / UPDATE (8.7)

I said I wasn't gonna talk about the why's of my hiatus but I can't stop thinking about it and it's not not relevant to share even if it can't be helped so: that'll be below the cut since it's insecurity / vent / negative adjacent :')

Tl;dr, though: I don't feel comfortable here on tumblr anymore and that's what's impacting my activity / presence / confidence / etc, not just universally low spoons across the board. When I came back it was for sake networking for rp and making friends Through rp, but at current it's fizzled out and i'm much more comfortable focusing on private rp / rp groups than on here

(But if we have preexisting threads on here I won't drop them, juuuuust don't be afraid to add & poke me on discord to lmk when you've replied<3)

(again, this is below the cut for vent/negative/insecurity reasons, so if youre not up for that dwai) - any further Regular updates will be put above this section lol

idk I feel the simplest and most 'objective' way to put it is that my intent of 'keep dash tiny and small and palatable to prevent getting overwhelmed' is severely biting me in the ass bc it leads to extremely like... disproportionate? desires of activity??? where I'm looking to get lots of activity from (for example), like, ~5 people, but they are both not looking for turbo activity with me specifically and have interactions with 20+ people they're looking to keep up with (if, not necessarily, wrt longform rp) — on top of all the once-very-active moots that have dipped off into the void entirely, not just wrt ~our rp~

and like... subjectively??? i have like no sense of relationship decay, but exponentially horrific emotional permanence (the thing that lets you know you're cared about even when ppl are not directly talking to you or the like), and combined with the negative feedback loop of 'low confidence -> low activity -> less confidence bc less activity ->->' ???

it creates a very very Not Fun mix that makes me feel alone and lonely, like i'd be ignored even screaming in a crowded room, and feeling like what interactions i Do get are moreso an after thought or pity rather than reciprocated enthusiasm.

and its like. idk. it feels like law of diminishing returns but also w at least five secret spices of guilt about it—whether it's because i'm not 'trying hard enough' to 'earn' the 'attention', or because i'm 'blaming' ppl for the completely lighthearted nbd act of just... not making me a 'favorite' and making me feel 'entitled/spoiled' for just missing people

[insufferable-talkstuck]

(HELPP sorry bro gonna ask this blog instead mb 💀😭)

helloo can u classpect me pls (idk heo to do this 🔥) including a little bit of vent for the sake of classpects

basically i am reclusive, secretive, spacey, knowledgeable but not in an arrogant way, creative, pretty absent minded, and very awkward :]

my main interests include TMNT, MBTI, experimental music, psychology, and marine life. (probably says nothing)

i also like drawing but sometimes i get mad jealous over other ppls art

i also have a strong interest in leftism, anti-racism and anti-capitalism. idk what that says tho

i can get RLY obsessive about my interests and i will NOT shut up about whatever im hyperfixating on

i find it extremely difficult to grasp social cues, in other words i am socially inept

i can have a lot of trouble with empathy usually, not saying i have no empathy tho

no social life. 0. not even one (1) friend. offline or online.

if i had a social group tho i think id be the weird one who is very awkward and does not get jokes 😭

i like to consider both logic and emotions when making a decision, but i tend to value logic and rationality more sometimes

i have a tendency to stay up really late, like really late (it is 5 am as i am writing this

(idk of the text below counts as a vent or not but read idk)

ive always been really bad at explaining, wording, or identifying my own emotions, idk why but its just really hard to come up with words that can accurately describe how i feel, which is why im shit at venting

nvm i think im just bad at wording my own thoughts in general, it makes me feel kind of dumb, im just as bad at that on text too 😭😭 communicating is hell

(vent-ish thing is over)

supernatural stuff is pretty cool too idk

ive been told im dry and very monotonous in person 💀 like a robot n shit

i also dont like being wrong but not in an arrogant know-it-all asshole kinda way ❤

idk what else to put here.

Seer of Void

I'm not picking up any sign that you would *want* to be assigned a void player but I don't tell people what they want to hear.

- dissection -

‘ basically — :] ’ in this paragraph you list off some traits that could easily be associated with void

‘ i can RLY — tho ’ classpects aren't political stances and tho some classes and aspects are described as more devoted or revolutionary it doesn't specifically tilt it towards any view on these things. go girl give us nothing

‘ i find it — jokes ’ you're listing traits of autism, not something that could help me classpect you. However in all technicality "lacking" so many things can be written off as void

‘ i like to consider — on text too ’ okay, Dirk strider moment I guess, if you had only left this paragraph i would have given you prince of heart and left it at that

- dissection over -

why I think you're a seer of void

seers struggle to grasp their aspect at first, how it works and how they could relate to it escapes them, but once they learn it they're comfortable in it. you talk like youre rampaging to find fragments of a personality, sloppily putting paragraphs about yourself together, but if you were to take a step back and relax I think you'd be relieved and find comfort in the nothingness, and along with it the unlimited potential you'll master but.. baby steps

bonus round

i think there would be a destructive heart player and/or a mind player in your session, you seem torn between the two, I don't see this talked about amongst the classpecting population but I do think the aspects of the players in your session would affect you. with all my evidence of that coming from the kids and trolls sessions I mean the bond is just so clear

[heytherekayla]

Wednesday, January 22, 2025, 1:22am

Hey blog

Today was really rough for me. I believe because of my pms symptoms. But also because unfortunately I feel alot of shame.

I've sinned and I've not keept it real with and to myself.

Last post seemed not genuine to me. Like I was writing for someone else. Not for me and for my mind, heart, and spirit.

Not sure what that was. So i want to make that up to myself in this post by being genuine and remembering why I made this blog to begin with.

It's to track my personal progress. Whether it's good or bad. Sinful or righteous. Whether I like it or not. This blog is supposed to be my safe space where I can talk to myself about anything and everything that's on my mind and share it to the internet to hold myself accountable.

Maybe I might want to change my username so my identity can remain anonymous if I ever feel shameful of what I've done. But my goal is to stay pure and commit to that. To remain honest with myself, with God, and the world.

I hope these posts don't come across the wrong people. I only mean well. I'm not afraid. Maybe just a little. But afraid of god himself. Nothing more. He's capable of the most magical miracles. He does scare me at times.

Anyway, remain at peace. Usually when I feel the need to vent and make peace is at the end of the day, before bed. Or in the mornings.

Sometimes randomly when something different has taken place. When I get overwhelmed with emotion or cannot contain my thoughts. When I feel a mess. Maybe that's also why I haven't posted much. Because I've felt quite put together the past couple days. Only because I'm trying to focus on my self rather than heart breaks.

Being sad and alone takes alot of energy. Sometimes I feel it's best to just cave in and surrender to the good of the world and let it push me around. It does in fact build character.

My main goal that i started over a year ago is to break my addiction with social media. Another reason I created this blog so I can use social media for a good purpose, for myself and my growth. So that when I feel the need to scroll I remember I can just go on here and vent at the end of the day or whenever I want. Mainly the end of the day though, to stay at peace and contained with myself.

Scrolling takes alot of energy as well. I feel tired and my head kills me after more than 2 hours of consistent scrolling. Even games.

I did some googling and found that humans should have a max of 2 hours a day on screen time. So if im including these posts every night, which can take from 5 to 25 minutes, that would mean i have 1 hour and 35 minutes left of screen time a day.

See though, my issue is that I don't want to use my phone for the whole 1 hour before bed time. And the whole 1 hour after waking up.

So if im to write at my best time, is that really before bed? I don't think so. Another time in the day I have this same flow of feelings is in the mornings. Probably before breakfast, but i eat almost right away. And I need 1 hour away from screen time. So that won't work? Or maybe it will? Maybe after working out in the mornings?

I need to figure out when to fit my screen time in.

Im working out currently 30 minutes a day; so that means I need screen time those 30 minutes cause I watch/listen to videos during that time. Maybe I can try without it, see how it goes. Lots of progress to track and make note of here.

Im gonna start by simply going back to where I started. Breaking my social media addiction. My phone addiction. Screen time addiction.

Alcohol addiction took about 3 years to break. But it was quick I became addicted very quick and dependent on it very quick. Took 1 traumatic event. To a year of never seeing sobriety. Then I moved and tried being sober but I still couldn't manage.

Fast forward to December of 2024 i drank for christmas a glass of wine. Which isn't so bad. But it makes me feel too loopy now. Almost sick. So I've been a month sober from alcohol? When I had my baby is when I stopped drinking every weekend/everyday. Not sure when I actually quit. I just know I've not been an alcoholic for 3 years.

And weed, boy is that another story. Smoking since 14, 15? Everyday. Until last year. I would say in July. Is when I officially quit. After 2 years of trying to quit but not being able to.

So this is my biggest strongest strangest addiction yet. Screen time. Since before time.

I got a computer i was addicted to and an iPod at 5th grade. and PSP 8th grade and NINTENDO DS in 3rd grade. That is spent almost ALL my time on. Would be addicted to the computers my family had. Started in 3rd grade with my mom playing music videos always. (Maybe thats where I can change the bloodline and not do that so my baby will not be addicted to screens?) And don't get me started on the play stations. Ps3 came out and we used it everyday since. Up to the ps5 today.

My first iphone in 9th grade. Where everything went down hill. I should've listened to my dad when he told me I didn't need a phone. Cause really, I didn't. It didn't even have service.

Everyday since, I had an addiction to it. Without even realizing.

So today when I wake up, will be day 1.

I can make music with rozay instead or listen to a radio. Or record players.

I can play actual games with him.

I made a list of things I can to in place of screen time.

I'll have to take it back to before 2010. See how this goes.

Good luck kayla. Imma start with 1 hour no screen time before bed and after I wake up for 49 days. 7 weeks.

I hope this works. I know it will. It will take me somewhere I've never been. But I'll have god with me through it all. The only man I fear. The strongest bravest most kindest man I know. He has been with me through it all. I owe it to him. To my baby. To his father. To my entire family. To my well being To my self. To me. Who I've neglected. I deserve to see what's on the other side.

I love you kayla. With all my heart. Good luck. Try to track it if you can and when you can. It'll be hard staying consistent with blogging because I can't blog when I most want to before bed.

So I'll take this time to appreciate screen time and all it's done for me through the years. The impact it's made on the world today. So bizarre!!

Shout out screen time lol!

Good luck baby girl 😘 I'm with you for always. Screen time will still be there. Always it will be apart of me.

Embrace it. Love it. Let it go.

You got this!!!

Jan 22 2025 Day 1 no screen time 1 hour before bed 1 our after bed. For 49 days ☺️

Rules for the day: try to limit screen time for 2 hours max.

Fight the temptation with prayer

Do other activities that give me dopamine.

Goodnight ❤️ I will now screen time a lil before bed for this is my last night.

Or I can end it here. Have faith in discipline. Everyone is asleep i should be too. Goodnight, I love you. Sleep well. Sweet dreams ❤️ 😘

-xo kayla

[cupofbeesbackagain]

life update I guess

my boyfriend is hospitalized right now because he's also in a really bad episode, he's been helping me with mine I didn't even realize how bad it was for him too

the voices are back, well, voice singular. I'm not a system i think, (I'm not endo or did or osdd I don't know what i have or if I even have anything I think it might just be some weird coping mechanism) but the voice(s) really have a mind of their own and want to be able to live their own lives so they like I guess control me at times idk that sounds so stupid but I dunno how else to put it

ill tag any posts made by them with their name I guess, I made the mistake with my old blog of not tagging and trying to figure out who said what was just so. hhhhh

im kind of debating recovery, I don't want to though I'm just struggling

i saw a picture of my body/face when I was at my lowest weight and my body was fine but my face was so fucking ugly. I don't have the jawline of a skinny person. I always imagine myself when I'm skinny as having this perfect triangle jaw but my face is extremely square. I'm trans ftm but I always get told my face looks naturally more masculine than most men. it's weird and just doesn't suit skinny

i don't wanna be not sick though that's the thing, I love ana as stupid as that sounds but I know it's not stupid to you all you understand

im really debating just trying to switch to ortho or like idk some kinda gym bro ed just so I can stay in fucking control but not look so horrendous. I hate my face and I wish I could cut my head off.

im also struggling a lot because the voice that came back is of a kid, their names puzzle. they were one of the first ones I developed five years ago (the voices just disappear and come back i guess depending on my mental state, whenever I'm at my lowest points mentally they come back)

they helped me recover from my honeymoon phase ed three years ago and then they left, they're pissed off that I've relapsed

i don't know how to explain to a child why i hurt myself. they hate me for hurting myself because it hurts them as well, they are forced to share the same body and a similar mind

they told my boyfriend that I've started cutting myself again, about how I relapsed and even more- he became their number one support so it's even scarier that he's in the hospital right now because puzzles terrified of being lonely

i think they like hold a lot of emotions from when i was a kid, they're around the ages 8-11 which was when all hell broke loose in my life and they remember a lot about being groomed and bullied and neglected

it doesn't effect me as much as it used to anymore but it hurts them a lot

my boyfriend keeps telling me i need to get better for them but I just don't fucking want to

i cut myself when I was that age, why do they have to have a problem with it? I had an ed when I was that age, why is it so bad? every time they like I guess have control they get chocolate milk or cry over how i won't let them have chocolate milk. I just want to be fucking skinny why are you here? why are you in my head?

this also sucks because that means there's gonna be more of them soon, I can already like 'hear' other voices but I just can't recognize where it's coming from

eorry for the long post but this is a vent account idk what you want from me lol

ill start tagging my own posts as well

-bee

[vic-chaos]

ok on the special.... I’ve only seen it once and some bits cut out from bad connection, so I might have more to say tomorrow when I've rewatched and been able to pay closer attention. But here is my jumble of thoughts so far (under cut for spoilers):

okay.......... the ending fucked me up so badly that its hard for me to focus on anything else jsjdsjdjsd.... so i’ll talk about that first 😭

my main issue is that I don’t really understand why they broke them up at the end despite everything, especially after it seemed they had reunited??? like when they finally got the vaccines to the teachers and Cartman had that line about how “their broship could survive anything”.... it felt so much like that was the resolution and they were back together. But then the final scene came out nowhere anyway, why?? 😭 it makes no sense to resolve something then unresolve it at the last second?

I don’t think they will stay split up though... I’m sure it will get fixed eventually. It’s too sad, and also wouldn’t make sense for the show in general to keep them apart??? My first guess is that the next season (hopefully a season and not another special) will be beginning the process to get them back together. I think one possibility might be that as soon as they start going off with different friend groups they will realise it’s not the same and that they miss each other too much....... or another possibility might be Kenny intervening? Because even though they were trying to do everything for whats best for him, they never actually consulted him about any of it?? Plus even though they were putting him in the role of their child for the sake of the joke, he is actually the most emotionally mature of the boys. So I wonder...

That said though the stylennyman content is still making me scream, Cartman bringing his boyfriends to couples therapy.......... and (even if they got “divorced” by the end ;_; ) the way it was framed as if Stan/Kyle/Cartman were married is gonna be making me crazy for weeks jsdsjdjsdjsjdjs, all of Cartman’s dad/husband behaviour with the custody schedules PLEASE lmao.....

And the kenman at the beginning with them being little shits together jsdnsdsdjsd I love them so much aaaaaah.... I need to add that scene to my compilation video of kenman laughing super hard at each other’s jokes while everyone else is like 😐 lmaooo

Ok I have been complaining a lot, but OVERALL I thought it was actually really good and I loved it actually. The very last scene like obliterated my heart, but everything before that was so good, and we got SO MUCH good main 4 content fucking finally 🥺 I’m so happy to see them joining forces again and being adventurous. And we even got more Kenny screentime too!!

The jokes were legit funny and I think it made me laugh more and was just generally better written and just overall better than SP has been in a while. I’m relieved they didn’t depict qanon as being sympathetic in any way (since I made some posts before worried abt that lmao... and I forgive Butters for being part of it bc all he wanted was be out of his house/away from his dad and didn't care what they believed as long as he could escape, so it didn’t mean anything jsjdsmdsdsd) I’m also glad we have confirmation that Cartman would never believe in like the alt right or any of that garbage, so please no more depicting him as any kind of n*zi in fics ever again thanks 🙏

The scene with the 4th wall break and all of the animation stuff was really good too, it was wild omg.... also all of the little cameos and stuff at the end, I’m weirdly so happy to see background visitors again omg!!! It reminds me of old school SP 🥺 I did straight up think Stuart and Kanye were gonna make out for a second though LMAO

UHHHHH a few other things:

There were some scenes from the trailer that didnt appear in the special??? Cartman threatening Stephen and him giving that speech in the boy’s bathroom..... I wonder what happened to those, cut for time maybe? Give me the buttman content 😭 they better release that as a deleted scene 😤

Garrison..... IDK........ I know some people are happy to see him back but I hate him so I’m kind of 🥴 about it, though he was more tolerable in this ep than normal so maybe he’ll be ok in the future lmfao.

And finally...................................... NO RANDY!! 🎉 We did it guys. I’m actually kind of surprised they didn’t try to resolve any of his storylines that were left open or anything lmao, but I also don’t care about him at all so god bless.... we finally got a break 😔🙏

[saintfrnk]

talk to me!!! what do you need to talk about i am here tell me everything i'm listening!!!! anything!!! please let it out!!

i feel so fucking awful for like a handful of completely different reasons and for the past couple of weeks i really haven't been able to handle my emotions well at all like.. ..... its just so bad lately and its really getting to the point where last weekend i got really close to just finally going for it and trying to kill myself (i guess i tried before too and i had it all planned out once)like... 1... ive been having to see my ex boyfriends blog a lot more on tumblr lately because i guess?? a lot of mcr blogs i follow also follow him?? and its getting to me because at first i thought i didnt care but now im so lonely and realizibg he was the only one there to love my god awful personality and poof!! hes gone!! he has been for seven months!!and like i just feel so guilty because i literally had to break up with him because i was bored and afraid i was going to cheat like can u imagine a more disgusting human than me??2 my father is a wrexk and probably emotionally abusive and cps wont do shit at all and i cant get away from him for four years or unless i have a magical like. miracle happen. and my mom is extremely selfish and when i try to talk about my feelings at all she turns it into her own thing so i cant even trust my parents (she also outted me and told everyone i was suicidal)3 i cant connect with anyone like recently i just cant do friends with anyone because some motherfucker from vent gave me the worst trust issues like i almost forced myself into a relationship with this disgusting person just because i was so lonely and then it ended up they basically just only wanted to use me or some shit because this mf was stupid enough to say it in the same group chat as me and yeah i just have trust issues x1000000 lately and assume everyone hates me or that ill get too close and do the same thing (force a relationship )4 i lied to my therapist and we've only met twice and i didnt tell her i was suicidal or lgbt amd like i fucked that so hard i feel super guilty for lying5 i have horrible dysphoria and cant even hear my own voice without gagging , and i feel like im never ever going to transition because what yhe fuck im gonna end up killing myself before 18 anyways . or probablh before even 15 at this rate6 god fuck everything is bad?