heytherekayla

[heytherekayla]

Wednesday January 22, 2025, 2:02pm

Hello blog

So I woke up at 1pm today. It's now past 2pm, which means I successfully made it my first hour through the day no screen time! Looking at my phone and turning on the TV after this first hour definitely made me realize how much technology gives me headaches. Or it might be because it's my first day of my period. Shout out to that as well! I feel like a new person lol.

Today I want to catch up with my bible reading. Read the prayer book and maybe a verse or two from the actual Bible. Or finish putting another page of bible tabs! Which ever. Maybe both.

I also need to go grocery shopping.

Hopefully I can do that tonight, or maybe I'll eat out tonight. And tomorrow grocery shop.

Today is Wednesday so the week is almost done.

My brother in law texted me about moving to colorado. I'm not sure if I wanna go with or without Matthew yet. I need to talk to him about that. I haven't talked to my mom about it either. I think the best choice for me is for rozay to have his birthday at gramas so it's not quite time to move home yet. I understand. I need to order a cake for my baby. I want him to have a minion cake. I think I'll go to Walmart and ask if they can do it. We will see. With everything I was going through it's definitely too hard to make one right now. I can't make it at my moms really unless I clean her stove. I might do that. Not sure if I'll have time 😕

Not sure about when I will go to colorado either. Definitely after these holidays. I'll see what happens. I guess?

I need to talk to my babys father about leaving. See what he agrees with. Since I'm going to go for vacation anyways I'm thinking to just stay there to get us the apartment. No sure about anything! Lol why am I like this. I'm just nervous to ask. But I have to ask. No hostility. He can't know i made the plan to leave already. Just needs to know that I'm thinking of going without him to get us a place or if we should go together. I know he will want to go together, but it may be easier just me going. Flying or driving? Not sure. He will recommend flying. I think that'll be best. I hope he really comes through though. We will see.

Have a good daym remember no screen time 1 hour before bed time. Choose a bed time if possible. Lately we sleep at 12/1 am.

Maybe 12 am to clarify that. So at 11 no screen time. 10pm is bath time. 9pm is last snack time and screen time goodbyes if im doing that.

If im sticking to 2 hours of screen time then that means at 4pm I must turn off the ps5. Watching bluey is considered screen time.

I'd have to find a replacement for this stuff.

We will see how the day goes. Goodmorning. Have a good day. I love you. God bless you 😘

-xo kayla

[heytherekayla]

Wednesday, January 22, 2025, 1:22am

Hey blog

Today was really rough for me. I believe because of my pms symptoms. But also because unfortunately I feel alot of shame.

I've sinned and I've not keept it real with and to myself.

Last post seemed not genuine to me. Like I was writing for someone else. Not for me and for my mind, heart, and spirit.

Not sure what that was. So i want to make that up to myself in this post by being genuine and remembering why I made this blog to begin with.

It's to track my personal progress. Whether it's good or bad. Sinful or righteous. Whether I like it or not. This blog is supposed to be my safe space where I can talk to myself about anything and everything that's on my mind and share it to the internet to hold myself accountable.

Maybe I might want to change my username so my identity can remain anonymous if I ever feel shameful of what I've done. But my goal is to stay pure and commit to that. To remain honest with myself, with God, and the world.

I hope these posts don't come across the wrong people. I only mean well. I'm not afraid. Maybe just a little. But afraid of god himself. Nothing more. He's capable of the most magical miracles. He does scare me at times.

Anyway, remain at peace. Usually when I feel the need to vent and make peace is at the end of the day, before bed. Or in the mornings.

Sometimes randomly when something different has taken place. When I get overwhelmed with emotion or cannot contain my thoughts. When I feel a mess. Maybe that's also why I haven't posted much. Because I've felt quite put together the past couple days. Only because I'm trying to focus on my self rather than heart breaks.

Being sad and alone takes alot of energy. Sometimes I feel it's best to just cave in and surrender to the good of the world and let it push me around. It does in fact build character.

My main goal that i started over a year ago is to break my addiction with social media. Another reason I created this blog so I can use social media for a good purpose, for myself and my growth. So that when I feel the need to scroll I remember I can just go on here and vent at the end of the day or whenever I want. Mainly the end of the day though, to stay at peace and contained with myself.

Scrolling takes alot of energy as well. I feel tired and my head kills me after more than 2 hours of consistent scrolling. Even games.

I did some googling and found that humans should have a max of 2 hours a day on screen time. So if im including these posts every night, which can take from 5 to 25 minutes, that would mean i have 1 hour and 35 minutes left of screen time a day.

See though, my issue is that I don't want to use my phone for the whole 1 hour before bed time. And the whole 1 hour after waking up.

So if im to write at my best time, is that really before bed? I don't think so. Another time in the day I have this same flow of feelings is in the mornings. Probably before breakfast, but i eat almost right away. And I need 1 hour away from screen time. So that won't work? Or maybe it will? Maybe after working out in the mornings?

I need to figure out when to fit my screen time in.

Im working out currently 30 minutes a day; so that means I need screen time those 30 minutes cause I watch/listen to videos during that time. Maybe I can try without it, see how it goes. Lots of progress to track and make note of here.

Im gonna start by simply going back to where I started. Breaking my social media addiction. My phone addiction. Screen time addiction.

Alcohol addiction took about 3 years to break. But it was quick I became addicted very quick and dependent on it very quick. Took 1 traumatic event. To a year of never seeing sobriety. Then I moved and tried being sober but I still couldn't manage.

Fast forward to December of 2024 i drank for christmas a glass of wine. Which isn't so bad. But it makes me feel too loopy now. Almost sick. So I've been a month sober from alcohol? When I had my baby is when I stopped drinking every weekend/everyday. Not sure when I actually quit. I just know I've not been an alcoholic for 3 years.

And weed, boy is that another story. Smoking since 14, 15? Everyday. Until last year. I would say in July. Is when I officially quit. After 2 years of trying to quit but not being able to.

So this is my biggest strongest strangest addiction yet. Screen time. Since before time.

I got a computer i was addicted to and an iPod at 5th grade. and PSP 8th grade and NINTENDO DS in 3rd grade. That is spent almost ALL my time on. Would be addicted to the computers my family had. Started in 3rd grade with my mom playing music videos always. (Maybe thats where I can change the bloodline and not do that so my baby will not be addicted to screens?) And don't get me started on the play stations. Ps3 came out and we used it everyday since. Up to the ps5 today.

My first iphone in 9th grade. Where everything went down hill. I should've listened to my dad when he told me I didn't need a phone. Cause really, I didn't. It didn't even have service.

Everyday since, I had an addiction to it. Without even realizing.

So today when I wake up, will be day 1.

I can make music with rozay instead or listen to a radio. Or record players.

I can play actual games with him.

I made a list of things I can to in place of screen time.

I'll have to take it back to before 2010. See how this goes.

Good luck kayla. Imma start with 1 hour no screen time before bed and after I wake up for 49 days. 7 weeks.

I hope this works. I know it will. It will take me somewhere I've never been. But I'll have god with me through it all. The only man I fear. The strongest bravest most kindest man I know. He has been with me through it all. I owe it to him. To my baby. To his father. To my entire family. To my well being To my self. To me. Who I've neglected. I deserve to see what's on the other side.

I love you kayla. With all my heart. Good luck. Try to track it if you can and when you can. It'll be hard staying consistent with blogging because I can't blog when I most want to before bed.

So I'll take this time to appreciate screen time and all it's done for me through the years. The impact it's made on the world today. So bizarre!!

Shout out screen time lol!

Good luck baby girl 😘 I'm with you for always. Screen time will still be there. Always it will be apart of me.

Embrace it. Love it. Let it go.

You got this!!!

Jan 22 2025 Day 1 no screen time 1 hour before bed 1 our after bed. For 49 days ☺️

Rules for the day: try to limit screen time for 2 hours max.

Fight the temptation with prayer

Do other activities that give me dopamine.

Goodnight ❤️ I will now screen time a lil before bed for this is my last night.

Or I can end it here. Have faith in discipline. Everyone is asleep i should be too. Goodnight, I love you. Sleep well. Sweet dreams ❤️ 😘

-xo kayla

[heytherekayla]

Monday, January 20th, 2025, 2pm

Hello blog

So after taking some time to be depressed and process what has happened to me I realized much more than I anticipated.

I for one also got closer with God himself.

And I got a clear understanding of what my flaws were and what I did to get myself here.

To begin, I felt a load of sadness after my breakup. And my toxic was caused me to go back to him many times. So I put a boundary on myself to not live with my ex and to not speak to him for 2 weeks. I didn't go as planned, unfortunately. Cause we have a child together, I have to talk to him. But living away from him is easy peasy. Thanks to my mommy.

I also made the choice to abstein from any inappropriate interactions that will temp me negatively. Its been a rough road, but I'm doing it well. Because giving into those temptations is apart of the reason I'm in the situation I'm in.

The most important realization i made, i realized after I made my last blog. I was constantly thinking about all the things I wanted and did not ever have my whole life. Like a close loving family. No yelling. A big yard. Etc. When I should not infact be wishing for what I don't have, but loving and appreciating all that is mine. Including my broken family. Including my broken dreams. Including the old me. All that is not perfect, i should learn to live and see as perfect in my own eyes. Because it is mine, and it's the hand i was dealt. And that to me is the most beautiful realization this process has brought to me.

Unfortunately though that includes loving my childs father as his own person as well.

That means unconditionally. But it doesn't mean I need to sacrifice more than myself for him. Especially not sacrificing my boundaries. I set clear boundaries for myself through the light of God.

God is good, good is God. So whenever I read the word good, or God, they are one in the same.

This is all good progress. And I'm happy to be where I'm at. To have been hurt. And to have the opportunity to love and embrace the flaws of life.

My main struggle throughout all this has been keeping a clear mind. And being consistent with clearing my mind. Writing is what clears my mind the most. It allows me to vent and put down physically all the weight of my world. I am not being consistent with it or personal goals. I'm struggling with getting rid of distractions.

Im addicted to distractions. For i spend all my life distracting myself from my sorrows.

When all in had to do was love and embrace them.

Get this; I never even believed i knew how to love. I still don't think I know how.

Another big struggle.

My baby boy though is teaching me and through him i will heal myself for him and to make the best him i can.

Loving him shows me I can infact love. And loving God shows me I can infact love.

They both love me unconditionally. So as a woman I should be strong for them both and love them back unconditionally.

I made the choice to serve the both of them and this is my accountability post.

From here on out I will write down the things of my mind to keep my mind clear, so I can let what all that is meant for me flow in and fertilize my mind.

My thoughts are my words. My words are my actions. And my actions are what make me.

So I have to take care of my mind. The most important gift of all. My temple.

And my relationships with God and my baby.

For they were always with me. It just took a little darkness to see them.

Note to self:

Thank you for your love and understanding kayla. For seeing the light in the darkest of ways.

I hope your journey to keep your mind clear goes well. I pray you have success in keeping your mind at ease and at peace. Not just for your own benefit but so you can serve those that serve you.

I love you sooooo much. And you're doing awesome!!! You've came a long way from your pain and the way you react to it.

You deserve love. And all that is yours is meant for you. It's also what you deserve.

Stay consistent with clearing distractions and you will be able to keep your mind at ease soon after.

Hang in there kayla. God is with you.

-xo kayla

[heytherekayla]

Sun, Dec 29, 2025 2:12am

Tonight, I realized im facing my worst heartbreak yet. Sure, I've had heartbreaks from my first love, my high school sweetheart, and the loss of my first baby. The most recent being losing the love I thought to be of my life, my son's father. I've acknowledged that we don't feel the same anymore about each other prior to having a baby. He doesn't love me the way he says he does. Every day I spend trying to prove otherwise is only proving to me that I'm running away from the truth. He's an amazing father, a hardworking man, and strong. Brave. Handsome. He's just not for me. His heart is no longer mine. But that is not what hurts the most. I grieve our relationship, but I'm also grieving the life I've dreamt of.

I grew up in a broken family, so I wished for the opposite of that for myself and my children. I dreamt of finding a loving husband who would always put me first, not the way my father hurt his partners and chose work over his family, including my milestones.

I dreamt of a small home full of love. No yelling. No slamming doors. No tears. No locking myself away from the people in the home.

A full healthy house. With many children and animals. With grass so green, im not afraid to walk on it barefoot. Where I can comfortably sunbathe during the day. Enjoying life and the people I've created.

I know all is still possible.

Im just not sure how it will be possible. Without having to give my baby a step parent. I'm more afraid of that than to be alone. Baby doesn't deserve that, nor did I.

Why didn't I listen to the advice women gave me before having a child?

Why didn't I love myself enough to say no to pregret?

Why. What did I do to get myself into the position im in today?

I cannot think clearly now. Nor have I been able to the past 6 months. I'm grieving more than just my ex. I'm grieving myself. And our future.

I pray for strength and clarity to see through to the goodness of the future. I hope i can recover from all of this. For this time I'm sure I've lost larger bits of myself I know I will never get back.

That is my fault for sacrificing myself for the wellness of others. It's time to turn inward and quit running from all that's meant for me. Even if i don't want it, there's no escaping it anymore. This is life. This is adulthood. This is me finally growing up and taking responsibility for my own heart break. For my heart was the biggest enemy This whole time. I've always known what's right, i just chose to follow my heart always. Cause home is where the heart is. And I've never lived in a place that felt like home.

- I love you,

Kayla.