#im gonna go see a polar bear!!!

[cam-the-orange-cat]

I just reserved the hotel for a trip a friend and I have been planning for a year and oh my God it was so much money but I'm so excited about going that it felt good to spend.

[racew1nn3rs]

─ 𝘚𝘌𝘊𝘙𝘌𝘛𝘚, 𝘚𝘌𝘊𝘙𝘌𝘛𝘚 🫀

max verstappen x singer!fem reader // smau

⤷ summary: when max verstappen starts commenting on the posts of the beloved singer y/n l/n, fans are confused and less than enthusiastic at the new friendship. what they could never expect is just how long they've been 'friends'...

based on this request <3

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liked by sabrinacarpenter, maxverstappen1, and 46,908 others

tagged sabrinacarpenter

ynusername my new album is now officially out on all platforms! thank you so so much for all of the love and support, and special thanks to sab for her feature on the song <33 love u bb girl 🫦🫦 now that the album's out, tour next!!! see you all soon!

23,560 comments

user1 THE ALBUM OUT. THIS IS NOT A DRILL PEOPLE THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

user2 i cannot be normal about this i fear

user3 ik her back hurts from CARRYING the music industry on her back 😩

user4 hey so WHO TF IS SO AMERICAN ABOUT?? A LOVE SONG

user5 y/n writing a love song in god's year of 2024... wow

user6 y/n in the top 10 charts, fork found in kitchen

user7 sabrina and y/n are never beating the gf allegations

ynusername damn right we're not 😏

user7 HOLY SHIR HOKY SHIT HOKST SHUT

user8 y/n's in love and it's not with me, hanging myself as we speak

user9 the comment is gonna get reported but so real op

user8 can't a woman hang herself in peace 😣

user10 album's such a banger i had this shit bumpin at my grandmas funeral 🙏🏼 rest in piece nancy 🕊️💪🏻

user11 OH MY GOD???

user12 rest in piece nancy you would've loved make you mine 😔

ynusername oh my god please tell me your joking

user10 sorry queen the grind never stops

ynusername NO SHOT

maxverstappen1 great album! 👍🏼

user13 why does he text like my father 🧍🏻‍♀️

user14 brother eughh

user15 what da hell is a polar bear doin in arlington texas

ynusername thank you max!!!

user16 y/n l/n to redbull in 2025

user17 hellurrrrr who is this man in ur likes y/n

user18 f1 driver!!

user17 Y/N NO ATHELETES PLEAEJEWK 🫵

user18 tour content soon??? i'm sat

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user19 bro looks like he snuck onto earth, get his ass outta here

user20 grammy-award winner, vogue cover model, new york university graduate and Some Fucking Guy

user21 not y'all coming to her defense like the mighty morphin power rangers 💀💀 he's literally a world class athete and she writes pop music

user20 17.172.224.47

user21 IS THAT MY IP ADDRESS??

user20 melinda charleton

user22 IS THAT HIS MOTHER'S NAME!!?1?1!

user20 you want me to do you too???

user22 no we good 😃

user23 ruth bader ginsberg did not die for this

user24 now wtf does this have to do with babe ruth 🤨

user25 WHOOOOO 😧

user24 ... that wasn't right was it

user26 now let's be fr he does NAWT have a chance

user27 have u seen the marble-carved  goddesses these men pull, i fear he does 😔

user28 please no i feel ill

user29 TWO???? OH HELL NAW

user30 two might be pushing it, only one was confirmed

user31 jesus christ

user32 first taylor, now this

user33 yall, all he commented was great album 💀💀 yall are LEAPING to conclusions

user34 what can i say it's an art

user35 i do not see 👁️👄👁️

user36 no like 💀💀 im in your walls

user37 haha max verstappen!! right!!! (theres a sniper at ur location)

user38 omg ur so right 🤩 it is about him (i have a bomb strapped to my chest)

user39 i dont mean to sound stupid, idk who that man is, if i saw him on the streets i wouldnt know a thing 🥱

user40 this is so random too like what 😭

user41 the power of kindness won't work here, i have to throw him off a building

user42 i used to be a max verslsjjwwo lover 🤩 now im just a max verslsjjwwo hater 😔

user43 NURSE 🫵 SHE'S OUT AGAIN

user44 why would u put that into the universe 😧

user45 alright, lets get you to bed grandma

user46 mari stop being delusion and go touch grass 🧍🏻‍♀️

user47 ENOUGHHHH

user48 ain't no way in hell 😭

user49 ik ur feet hurt from all this jumping to conclusions babe

user50 lets leave the parkour to the athletes 😃

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liked by maxverstappen1, landonorris, and 54,789 others

ynusername italy thanks for letting me be inside you (; it was such a lovely show, expect me back asap!!!!

15,267 comments

user51 IT WAS SO GOOD I THNK I BLACKED OUT THE WHOLE TIME THO

user52 oh!

user51 oh so now this isn't a safe space

user53 LANDO AND MAX IN TGE LIKES??? NO NO NO NO

user54 ABORT ABORT ABORT

user55 y'all are doing too much 🙄 she's one of the top artists in the world, i think it's safe to say they might like her music

user56 the second picture 🧎🏻‍♀️do you need a stool cause i can kneel and be really quiet

user57 y/n fans be normal challenge (impossible!!!) (never done before)

user56 WOMP WOMP

maxverstappen1 wonderful show! 🙏🏼 you are so talented

ynusername ty max (: im glad you could come see me

user57 ain't NO WAYYYYYY

user59 THIS IS SIXKENJNG IM GONNA PUKE

sabrinacarpenter my gf looking sexy 🫦🫦🫦

ynusername only for u bbg 🧎🏻‍♀️🧎🏻‍♀️🧎🏻‍♀️

user60 BOOOO 🗣️ GET A ROOM

user61 do y'all need a third!!!!

user62 mamma mia pizza pasta mozzerella moment

user63 i just put u on a watchlist

user62 🧍🏻‍♀️

landonorris RAHHHHHH 🦅🫵🗣️‼️

ynusername RAHHH RAHHH RAHHH RISE POWER POWER 💪🏻‼️

user63 what the fuck

user64 OH GOD WHAT IF SHES DATING HIM????

ynusername brother eughhhh

landonorris WHAT THE FUCK????

user65 SINCE WHEN IS SHE FRIENDS WITH F1 DRIVERS HOW MANY CHAPTWRS DID I MISS

user66 apparently we all went into a universal coma while she was out galavanting cause idk how else this could've happened

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maxverstappen1 posted to his story!

(caption: beautiful show)

22,456 replies

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user67 someone save my girl bro, she don't know any better 😭

user68 it's like a little kid trying to touch the hot stove, LIKE STOP THAT!! DON'T DO THAT

user69 am i the only one who thinks they'd be cute together....

user70 YES!?!?

user71 there is literally no fucking way he bagged her

user72 losing y/n to european f1 driver would be the biggest american tragedy since 2001

user73 i had to read this shit twice, op what r u waffling abt 🫵😧

user74 can't even be nonchalant about this one bro, i'm chalanting hard asf

user75 we do not care

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liked by redbullracing, f1, and 78,567 others

tagged maxverstappen1

ynusername first time in monaco, safe to say i enjoyed myself! so happy to see you shine this time my love<3

25,788 comments

user76 oh. my. fucking. god

user77 THEYRE FUCKING DATING OH MYFODNSJ

user78 THAT SHOULD BE MEEEE HOLDING YOUR HAND THAT SHOULD BE MEEE MAKING YOU LAUGHHH 🎤

user79 i'm in mourning

sabrinacarpenter CHEATER ���

ynusername BABY IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE, IT WAS JUST ONE TIME 😣😣😣 IT WAS A MISTAKE

maxverstappen1 we've been dating for 2 years??

sabrinacarpenter SHUT UP FAST & FURIOUS NO ONE ASKED YOU

user80 i'm sorry 😃 two Y EARS

user81 i feel like i just got dumped. y/n don't do this, the kids need you 😔

maxverstappen1 i got p1 for you, i love you 🫶🏼

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hope you all enjoyed! please let me know your thoughts and feel free to leave a request for me to write something for your fav <3

[lovingyoulovinme]

charles leclerc x reader & past!lewis hamilton x reader

in which charles starts to date lewis hamilton's ex girlfriend

this part will focus mostly on y/n and lewis's relationship/break up with following parts focusing on her relationship with charles

lewisupdates

8,847 likes

lewisupdates Lewis and Y/N tonight at their friend's birthday party!

View all 297 comments

user1 mom & dad 🥰

teamhamilton they are GLOWING

user2 the way there were breakup rumors up and down the tl last week...thank god

— View 3 more replies

user3 they fight break up allegations every 6 months 😭

ynsgf i love them so much 🫶

June 5, 2021

yourinstagram

Liked by lewishamilton and 339,871 others

yourinstagram family 🫶🏽🌅

View all 842 comments

lewishamilton My love ❤️

user4 im crying please get married already

ynfan MOST BEAUTIFUL EVER

user5 lewis looks so happy!!!!!!!! thank you for ur service y/n

yourfriend does he have a brother

— View 54 more replies

yourinstagram @/nicolashamilton

yourfriend I WAS JOKING

mercedesamgf1 You twooooo 😍🥹

June 28, 2021

yourinstagram

Liked by feliciathegoat and 287,792 others

yourinstagram tour officially started last night at msg!!!! it's a long oneeeee but i'm so excited 🥹

View all 1,368 comments

ynstan SEE YOU IN TWO MONTHS BABY

lewishamilton ❤️‍🔥

thegarden Miss you already 🫣

user6 cant believe we're gonna be deprived of y/n and lewis content for so long 💔

— View 1 more reply

ham44 manifesting he has time in-between races to go to some of the shows

user7 the way i fear we're gonna get breakup rumors once again

August 1, 2021

yourinstagram

Liked by bellahadid and 257,534 others

yourinstagram wrote a song :) what if i told you i'm releasing it on friday :)

View all 2,790 comments

user8 lewis not in the comments or the likes...who else is scared rn

bellahadid got your back forever 🫂💕

yourfriend user, what a loser

ynstan these comments from her friends...im gonna throw up what is going on

user9 YESSSSSSSSSSS

hamiltonyln her and lewis both deleting posts of each other and now she's releasing a song in the middle of tour it's so over

August 31, 2021

yourinstagram

Liked by charles_leclerc and 476,848 others

yourinstagram thank you for all the love you've given to what a lie, the tour, and to me 💌 grateful for everyone in my life that helped me get through the last few months ❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️

View all 2,977 comments

yelyahwilliams queen of the world

loriharvey 😍😍😍

cullen_angela Proud of you 🤍

— View 70 more replies

ynstan angela still supporting her 😭🫶

ham44 as she should

user10 charles leclerc liking this???? wtf is a polar bear doing in arlington texas

yourfriend we are grateful for YOU

user11 no guys fr do her and charles know each other

— View 3 more replies

ynfan shes been to a million races they've prob crossed paths a few times

November 4, 2021

a/n: i swear i don't have some horrible obsession with having the reader cheated on 😭 the song inspired me with choosing what would be the downfall of their relationship and that's it i SWEAR. not sure how many parts this will have but enjoy for now and thank you for 1.5k followers it means the world 🫶🏽

[pedge-page]

LOVEDDDD PLUSHY X PK!! WE NEED PREGNANT READERx PLUSHYx PK 😭🙏🏻🙏🏻

ITS HERE!

Notes: Set in the Plushies!verse where reader is pregnant (NOT Joel dealing with Preggo Wife couple). for extra content/background, you can read Plushies!Joel and Reader discovering their PK, and Plushies!Joel and Reader pregnancy Bonus chapter

Warnings: PISS KINK, Plushies humping, PISS on PLUSHIES, Joel cumming in boxers, "dry" humping (no actual sex but it sure as hell isnt dry here either), Daddy ish kink like once (I didn't count man this isnt proof read)

18+ ONLY

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Ever since getting pregnant with Big Bad Mr Joel Miller’s big fat fucking kid (that you may have “begged” him to put in you—on accident), your back has not experienced pain like this since said baby-daddy body slammed you into a brick wall in a dingy alley when you hooked up outside a bar. He proceeded to tend to your back all night with kisses and soft rubs and lotions, and ended up learning of Joel very peculiar double sided dynamic.

You slide your keys on the counter only for them to fall down to the ground. With a moon sized belly, you weren’t even gonna bother bending to pick it up. That’s the floors problem (and future you that needs to get around)’s problem. Not yours. 

You waddle towards the bedroom. Grateful for your plushie obsession being the one thing you were prepared for: a wall of fluff and comfort conforming to your body 24/7. You rotate with little tippy steps until you’re facing the wall, then collapsing backwards on the bed slowly, only to be met with a squirmy hard lump that grips your belly securely from nearly tossing you off the side:

“YEOOW!” 

He lurches in pain as your elbow dug into his side and ass smashed his poor dick under the crushing weight of you.

“JOEL! GET OFF MY BED!” You scream, kicking and flailing uselessly in his grasp. He’s still buried under the mountain of plush with your big body plastered atop him, but he won’t let go either.

“It’s OUR bed, babydoll,” he groans. you turn your head to the side to see his hooked nose just barely peeking above your BunBun’s fluffy cotton tail. He shakes his noggin side to side to get fresh air across his face and to make eye contact with you, your head resting against his shoulder.

“I was just takin’ a nap, no need to get snippy,” he grumbles. He kisses your cheek and rubs along your belly.

“My plushies,” you mumble with a pout, folding your arms over your chests.

The awkward position only makes it more difficult to get comfortable. Joel’s crazy strength alone is one thing, but the gravity of having an additional 25 pounds on your mid section is somehow giving him the upper hand in holding you against him. You wanted to fall on soft, cottony clouds and colorful friends that you had collected over the years, not a hard man with his hard belt digging into your spine and his even harder cock poking your ass hogging them for his personal nap blanket.

“Joel.”

“Hmm?”

“I need to get up.”

“Why?”

“I need to—“

“I CAN DO IT! LETS DO IT TOGETHER!” He rolls you to the side like a rotating hot dog and immediately fists a plushie, shoving it between your spread legs. “S’okay little Momma, do ya thing.” He’s hanging over you, his pupils wide and mouth curved into an excited smirk, practically drooling at the space between your legs. While one knuckle presses the plush (of which you can’t even see over your belly) at your crotch, the other is rubbing circles into the squishy part of your pelvis.

You shake your head. “I don’t need to fucking masturbate, I need to pee!”

Joel tilts his head in confusion. “I thought that’s what we were doin’?”

“IM NOT PEEING ON THE—“ you drag the plush squeezed in his hand from out below you so you can get a good look at who’s about to be sacrificed—“ON PINKY THE POLAR BEAR!!!”

He snatches the stuffed animal back and glides it between your thighs again, this time with his knee pressed tight so it’s sandwiched just out of your reach. “Pinky aint about to be a good name f’him—how bout yellow-y, or piss-y or pee-y—OH how about PINKY—! Oh no wait a minute…”

“Jooooeeell!!!!”

He starts rubbing harder against your mound, licking his lips as you begin to flounder helplessly. “Give it ta me, princess, Daddy Bear’s gonna take care of everything, you just do what ya do best, so beautiful f’me, Fuck me, that’s my good girl, yeah, yeah do it angel.”

But you shake your head. Your hips sway side to side, but between him and the mountain of stuffed animals surrounding you and the lump of a swell at your belly, there’s no where to run. “No! I’m not doing that—ugughhh—shit again!”

Joel pouts his lips, not letting up his assault. “Please! You liked it so much last time, remember?!”

“That—was an accident!!!” You lie. No you didn’t want to piss on a stuffed animal again, for fear it will reawaken something inside you that should have never surfaced in the first place: that you might enjoy it. “I don’t want to ruin Pinky!”

“I’ll toss her in the wash!” He nods quickly ,as if it’s a good deal. As if you were even getting a say in the matter.

“NO!!!”

But Joel ignores you. He leans back, and you can just barely see off to the side the massive boner he’s got pressing painfully in his jeans. He quickly unzips himself, his boxers still on but his cock having more room to breathe, spilling out in front to make a large grey tent. He hooks his thighs under your calves, hoisting himself close to you so that both of your core’s are only one squished polar bear stuffie apart.

“That’s it baby—fuck yeah,” he groans heartily. With one arm leaned behind him to hold himself up, he grinds against the animal, in tern grinding against your clit and suffocating your pussy. His other hand is splayed over your bladder, his palm thrumming down deep with each roll of his hips. 

You’re trapped. Your tummy is full, your badder is even fuller, and Joel’s so lost in a piss/plushie drunk state that there’s no getting to him now until he gets what he wants. 

Toes curling in, shaking from the pain of your walls breaking, all you can think is ‘I’m sorry Pinky’ as you let out a yelp that had lodged itself in your throat. your hands slap over your eyes as you cunt squeezes out the pregnancy-piss-poor storage of urine that had built up so quickly inside, releasing it onto the plush’s innards. 

Joel grunts one last time and goes silent to confirm it’s happening. “Oh fuck—Oh Fuck yeah baby holy shit!” He pulls you in even closer so that his balls are sunk right under your ass. There’s a faint hissing of your piss blessing his ears as it drenching the bear, who’s getting yellower and heavier as you continue to go. Joel moans, eyes rolling when he rolls himself tighter against you, and the warm liquid begins to seep onto his underwear. “OOOHhhh ugughh yeahhhhh,” he whines, and soon he’s cumming inside his boxers with your warm piss costing his shaft, sticking the fabric to him like a wet hug.

“That’s my Momma bear, pissin’ all over her lil toys, showin’ em who’s boss.” He hazily wedges his thumb under the hood of your clit and begins rubbing, pushing his hips closer so your slit is completely surrounded by the squelching warm wet cotton of your own pee-soaked Pinky.

His encouragement flies right to your lower belly. You bite your lip as you begin to shake, back arching best it can in the current position with a silent scream as pleasure washes over your entire body. It’s wrong, so wrong how freeing and good he makes it all feel, like he’s conditioning you to feel pissing your stuffed animals is a rewarded behavior.

Fuck this guy.

You both sigh out into the air, panting hard. Joel doesn’t bother to move or clean anything. He’s too busy basking in the wet, debauched mess between both of your spread legs. Your underwear, the once innocent and dry Pinky, his jeans and boxers now darkened, heavy, and sticking to skin with the cooling remnants of your glorious piss. 

“You—“ you rasp, pointing to him with a lazy finger but unable to lift yourself from your orgasmic mind. “YOu’re cleaning—everything.”

Joel just lets out a half laugh, half choke, nodding. “I know.” He bends forward and kisses the top of your swollen stomach, the part that didn’t get soaked from the water sports. Girthy hands rub along your thighs soothingly as he makes out with your pregnant tummy. 

You fist a bunch of dry plushies and droop them over your head, hoping to smother yourself in a Plushie heavenly sleep and deal with the aftermath of your new kink tomorrow.

- - - -

Permanent Taglist:

@harriedandharassed @lola8888673 @its-nebuleuse @zliteraturehoe @merz-8 @joeldjarin @pascalscoffin @pedroshotwifey @ghostslillady @innerpersonunknown @missladym1981 @mrsoharaxx @survivingandenduring @milla-frenchy @cockykookiee @fairytale07 @daddy-din @pedropascalsbbg @spookyxsam @somehopeatlast @millercontracting @pedrostories @mishala005 @theoraekenslover @animez96 @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog @puduvallee @cassiecasluciluce

[dnptheinfinity]

okay! i finally had a good night’s sleep for the first time in a week so it’s time for some tit thoughts

overall, i had such an incredible time literally starting from the train ride to warsaw and ending on the train back where i met another random phannie last minute

but it was amazing to see the whole gang again, and it wouldn’t be the same without them so obligatory shout out to @polar-bears-making-pancakes @cardsagainstdnpg @baking-phan-in-my-mind @dipandpiptit @goldenpinof and @nickbipanicnelson <3

the m&g also couldn’t go better, i was honestly less stressed than during the wad m&g and i managed to tell them everything i wanted, almost word for word like i wrote it down, so i said that i’ve been watching them for almost exactly 10 years and dan’s reply to that was “wow, what a journey” and it really has been!! i also got to look deep into phil’s big blue eyes and i loved how much attention both of them pay to everyone who’s talking to them 🥺 i also showed them my sims render and dan’s reaction was his squeaky laugh and phil said “that’s so good!” and then they signed it while crossing arms (dan had to do it twice technically because his sharpie just refused to do it’s one job) and then we got a pic that i’ll put under the cut but i like it a lot!

i honestly don’t remember much from the preshow q&a but i know i had fun!!

i also got the hoodie and the poster and a pack of cards and between the vip pack and the one i bought i got 2 holo ones and only one repeat (and it was of dan’s ass so i can’t even be mad about that) and then i got a few more from Katie from her doubles so i ended up with 13 in total and i love every single one of them. the ass is now under my phone case for everyone to see

and then the show itself. i’m not gonna write anything spoilery but i loved it, im so proud of myself for successfully avoiding spoilers. the only bad thing i have to say is the fact that there were some things that i literally Could Not see from my seat because it was so far to the side and in the first row so rip for that (and rip to my back because the foldable chairs in the warsaw venue did not get an upgrade since wad)

ah also! big thanks to Mandragora and that one random person during the interlude for the phracelets they gave me <3

so all in all, i had the best time, really hope they film it so i can see everything from a better angle but still 11/10, im so glad i recovered from my cold in time for the show 🥰

[demonir]

What are the tf2 Kumamon weapons like?

been having a complicated few days but I finally had the energy to sit down and do this so here we go!!!

I feel soldier kumamon would have standard kumamon's weapon as it kinda reminds me of the rocket launcher already? even thought they aren't similar, but reading up on kumamons wiki info and how it's a soldier and such I'm like yeah it fits

As for pyro kumamon...well it's an ice digimon so a flamethrower does not make much sense so pyro kumamon has been changed to uhh... cryo kumamon! they got a freeze gun now! I made the chamber that I assume would store the fuel transparent because I like the idea of seeing the freeze juice sloshing inside hehe

As for the other mercs? I think their weapons would look mostly the same just slightly simplified? although tf2's style is already rather cartoony so not a lot of change would be made in my opinion, if you wanna know about how they WORK however...well

Having established that it's an ice type digimon that shoots snowball projectiles the rest is sort of easy? standard bullets are just snowballs meaning heavy's is a snowball minigun for example (lol that's adorable) I know that this technically means I've referred to soldier's rockets as "standard bullets" but bear with me ok?? haha get it? bear? ahem anyways- soldier shoots COOL snowballs ok? SPECIAL snowballs there ya go-

Demoman's are just a different kind of snowball as the wiki I'm checking says kumamon has a variety of different snowballs it can use

We're just gonna interpret "according to purpose" as "depending on the class" and say demo kumamon has sticky snowballs and uhh pill snowballs? im more inclined to say they are sort of explosive ice cubes bc snowballs do NOT bounce

Sniper kumamon probs shoots piercing icicles straight into ya brain from his patented Kumma Co rifle (haha see what I did there?) As for Engie's sentries-

I told myself I was NOT going to draw a sentry EVER IN MY LIFE but midway through writing this post I was like no no no no I must illustrate this. Level 3 snow sentry is slightly taller than the average kumamon unlike in game tf2's sentry that is slightly shorter than real engineer, this is not because I am some sort of genius mastermind with huge plans in mind this is because I suck with proportions (and I drew this without having a reference of the sentry next to engie at hand) But anyway the snow sentry has a steady supply of snowballs to kill you with <3

I have NO idea how medic's medigun would work let's just say it does, same goes for spy's disguises

Anyways uhh I didn't intend for this to go for so long or get so in depth I just tried to be as faithful as I could to both digimon and tf2 but 1: I am new to digimon I am like a freshly born baby I had to go look through 3 different digimon wikis for info on this stuff bc i wanted to take my fictional polar bear SERIOUSLY and 2: while I AM a huge tf2 fan I am not knowledgeable on the weapons department so this was a real doozy for me

If any of you digimon/tf2 fans have any ideas/suggestions or even corrections I am all ears! these are just my ideas coming from someone who made a crack au at 12 am one night because some random anonymous person on the internet told them to

Also I've been calling it kumamon the entire time but it's name is also chackmon???? I feel properly pranked

[sanjipotatoes]

RIPPED HEARTS

A/N: this idea and concept is @moonnime's :D

also this consists a somewhat love triangle, implied sex,mentions of pregnancy, mentions of murderand mentions of abandonment and it doesn't have such a happy ending so if you don't like any of these just like skip this

pink = doffy

red = rosinante/corazon

blue = law

purple = reader

you were 8 years old when you met the Donquixote brothers.your father was a friend to their father and since you were mainly lonely at home your father took you with him to visit the Donquixote so you can play with the two boys and well you guys did get along but doflamingo loved you the most whenever you played hide and seek he would jump and hug you whenever and wherever he found you but an issue he had was that rosinante was always "in his way" and out of jealousy he did anything to try to impress and take your attention example you would be playing dolls with rosinante and doflamingo would catch your attention by doing something like "hey *reader* look what I can do!! :D" he attempted to do a cartwheel but since he was 8 and lacked balance his short little arms failed him and he fell on his face miserably you then got worried but he insisted he was okay and yet you still clapped and was impressed by him not because the cartwheel was good but because he had confidence and you liked that shortly after rosinante being the simple minded 6 year

old he wanted to try doing a cartwheel you thought it was a bad idea but Doffy let him do it to see him fall and assume that he will see your laughter "okay here we :)" rosinante says before attempting to cartwheel but instead falls down on the hard floor face first and when he sat up he started crying and you see his nose bleeding as doflamingo laughed "Doffy how could you laugh like that he's really hurt!!" you say upset at his rude gesture as you run to help rosinante .a little while after his mother treated his nose and gave him a bandage he came to you with a hibiscus flower he found "look *reader* I found this flower and im gonna give it to you because I love you :D" you accepted the flower and blushed "aww I love you too rosi!!"you said while doflamingo just watched in a huff

17 years have passed and you were 25 you had grown up old with the brothers and you married rosinante and you both would think Doffy would be happy for his brother and move on but no he was jealous he always found a way to try to separate you two and third wheel things you did together like example you would be on a bench sitting with rosinante and doflamingo would just randomly comes and shove rosinante to scoot to sit between you two and put an arm around you and talked while ignoring rosinante. a little while after you met law you treated him such like a son and rosinante noticed and asked if you wanted to have kids together "hey since you are good with kids I was wondering...would you like maybe..try having one of our own don't get me wrong I love law and all but maybe you would be happier with a child of our own" he said to you with a awkward smile and that day you left law with some snacks and toys to play with while you and rosinante went to a room somewhere and told law that if he needed anything just knock on the door five times.outside that room as hes playing with the stuffed polar bear and panda making them fight he hears noises coming from that room and he wondered

what was happening but decided to stay curious(even after years he still doesn't know what the hell happened in that room).then came another three years you were now 28 rosinante and law disappeared they said something about doflamingo but you didn't pay attention and after you realized they left you felt bad for not paying attention but you had hope they would come back so you could apologize and after months of waiting you go outside and in a distant you see a silhouette of a man with a large coat you stand up and assume its rosinante but the closer it got you saw it was doflamingo "Doffy oh whats a surprise :D umm what are you doing here exactly? I thought you would be with roro do you perhaps know where he is at" he opens his mouth "well he's.." he pauses then thinks about what he says next "he left." your eyes shot wide open in shock "what do you mean he left.." doflamingo looks down looking "upset" "he sended me over here to tell you that..he lost interest in you he found someone else and figured that they would make law happier than you would so he left" you froze and looked down as you cried you ran to doflamigo and snuggled in his coat for comfort as you cried your eyes out and while you couldn't see doflamingo couldn't help but grin,he finally won after 18 years of losing he won in the very end

during the years of your heart break doflamingo managed to grab the pieces all together and fix it he took care of you and did nothing but loving things to you so obviously eventually you falled for him and you then start reflecting on the past on how you felt bad for 18 years on how much you underestimated doflamingo I mean he did love you more than rosinante did and you then start believing that it was all a con rosinante never loved you at all and it was always doflamingo he truly was the one that loved you

after 20 years you are now 38 you married doflamingo and Became his queen to lead Dressrosa and the citizen were shocked to find out that YOU were his queen they expected you to be the Harley Quinn to his joker but..you were kind, you cared about your citizens and there was no mischief in you unlike doflamingo which you had no idea about his behavior because well he would play nice whenever you were around so whenever you were art with doflamingo you would always sensed fear in the citizen and always wondered why.after two months you started to feel nauseous and super sick and doflamingo in a panic called the best doctor there could be In Dressrosa to see whats wrong and cure me as fast as possible no matter the consequence and after a few test from the doctor he told you and doflamingo that you were with child and this got you happy

you always dreamed of having a child especially with the one you love but..something felt off despite you feeling excited having a child there was something empty but you decided to brush it off in 4 months you were now 6 months pregnant you grew a belly and doflamingo became more protective of you since he certainly didn't want anything happening to the future leader of Dressrosa and one day when finally agrees to let you out on your own a certain little pirate with a straw hat comes to Dressrosa along with a familiar person which you were in a bench just killing time till you felt a tap on your shoulder you look up and see a man with tattooed hands,earings

and a spotted hat and your eyes widened before he spoke "hello miss *reader*" you rub your eyes in shock thinking your hallucinating "I-i who are you and how do you know me" the man looked a bit sad and then says "miss *reader* its me law I know you don't recognize me from the tats and how much Ive grown but I obviously could recognize you you still look the same as ever even after 10 years I guess the saying "real queens never age" is true after all" you give him a gentle hug which makes him notice your belly "hey your pregnant now,who did you remarry?"he said out of curiosity as you giggled "only the nicest man I've ever known...doffy!! :D" you say out of joy as trafalgars eyes widen out of shock and he backs up and

looks real upset "WHAT!! THAT MONSTER!!"when he said that you got completely offend before he continued "YOU HAD THE AUDACITY TO MARRIED AND EVEN OPEN YOUR LEGS TO THAT COLD BLACK HEARTED-" you slapped law across the face and he holds it out of pain as you yelled "OH AND WOULDN'T YOU KNOW ABOUT MONSTERS AS YOU WERE RAISED BY ONE!" law looked confused "I don't know what you mean *reader*.." you yelled back "DON'T PLAY DUMB OR INNOCENT YOU KNOW HOW YOUR PRECIOUS "CORA-SAN" TOOK YOU AND LEFT ME BEHIND FOR ANOTHER WOMAN SINCE HE WAS TOO MUCH OF A COWARD TO SIMPLY TELL ME HE FELL OUT OF LOVE AND JUST THOUGHT ABANDONING ME WOULD BE THE SOLUTION" Law now understanding your point of view of things

"no miss *reader* your wrong its all wrong he didn't leave he died! your precious beloved husband killed him" you got taken a back and shook your head "no...thats not true" trafalgar looked at you "he died freeing me...so he didn't leave you he loved you so much after we left he would go none stop talking about how much he misses you so who even told you about that lie and how could you ever believe it" you looked down "it was..doffy I believed him because I figured since hes his brother he knew him better than I ever did..." you say ashamed as law nods in understand "well another thing about doflamingo was that his mindset about you is that if he can't have you then nobody else can until he gets you so he lied to you ever since"

you start sniffling and crying as law looks down on you "its not too late you know.." you shake your head "no...it is too late...I can't have my child without their father even if he is doflamingo" law just blinked before you said "I'll try my best to help you with whatever your doing but im sorry I cannot leave him either I hope you understand" law just opens his mouth about to protest but he held it back understanding your situation and walks away as you now know the truth and how you made a decision and now suffering consequence..so your trapped now having to raise a child with doflamingo

alternate ending:you end up committing suicide 1 week after giving birth to the baby you were planning on doing it months before but you figured that if your going down the hole you shouldn't drag the child along with you so you just left the child for doflamingo to raise on his own selfish yes but you didn't know what else to do surely you couldn't give it to law since you didn't wanna put an extra weight of responsibility on his shoulders so that was your only option and as your suicide note just tells doflamingo on how you now know the truth and describing how much you despise him now for taking your TRUE soulmate away from the world and from you and before you shot yourself your last words were "see you soon rosi." and then bang

doflamingo's,the Donquixote Pirates and Dressrosa citizens reaction to when you agreed to be his lover after 18 god forsaken years for him:

once again credit for idea is @moonnime

[bucketspammer4life]

☆ Assigning The Boxers Fursonas ☆

this is so fun, gonna also include some suprise guests so enjoy that, im not a furry (or at least i think so) enjoy this post i spent too much time on

Doc Louis - I could see him being a scaly, specifically a crocodile, come on it fits like a glove

Little Mac - Wolf, he would so be a wolf im so serious about this

Glass Joe - a ferret or a weasel 99%, he would have it wear a turtleneck too i swear it just fits him im gonna scream

Von Kaiser - a deer, he would so be a deer, it fits too well i am not joking fucking look at him and tell me he doesnt like deers, look at me directly in the eyes and say the words "von kaiser wouldnt have a deer as his fursona" i fucking dare you. Look at me until you can see my soul and say that, i challenge you. He has a deer as his fursona, you cannot deny the truth, you cannot deny the facts, your mind is too weak to handle the truth

Disco Kid - he would so choose a cheetah, it would fit him come on, hes just so silly and so is his cheetah fursona look!!

King Hippo - he would use a walrus, hear me out on this one, it fits him way too good oh my god

Piston Hondo - a moth, i know this is really specific but he would be a moth, too fitting for me to not throw it at you

Bear Hugger - you can see it coming from a mile away, bear, the classic, he didnt choose this one, it got assigned to him at birth, no contest, this is his FAAB (Fursona Assigned At Birth) and he wont be changing it anytime soon fuck you

Don Flamenco - a secretarybird, hes too diva for bland ass foxes or scalies, he is so girlypop and so is his fursona, he would also use a raven too

Great Tiger - Come on its in the name!! This is his FAAB, he would also have a white tiger version

Aran Ryan - a jackalope, he would so be a jackalope for the fun of it

Soda Popinski - Polar bear, i dont care what you throw at me he would be a polar bear, this is so canon, its true the punches told me when they came out

Bald Bull - this is also his FAAB, hes a bull 99999% it was ment to be!! You cant deny his destiny he was ment to have a bull as his fursona, he was born to be a bull fuck you

Super Macho Man - i imagined him as anti furry but then BOOM peoples headcanons started to rub off on me, hes a shark and he will always be a shark

Mr Sandman - He'd choose a tarantula just to spook people because hes in a evil mood

Carmen - she would be a flamingo, specifically just for don flamenco because he didnt pick it

Narcis Prince(ss) - A fox, hes a fox, i dont care what you say, i dont care what you think, he is a fox

Heike Kagero - a butterfly, it would be so colorful too, hes so gonna be a butterfly

Nick & Rick Bruiser - they have similiar taste so they picked the same species, said species is a wolf, basic ass taste

Hoy Quarlow - he would be a owl, this is also his FAAB, he was born to hide away from the sun and go hoo hoo hoo

Gabby Jay - a weasel, you dont get anything other than that

Pizza Pasta - a possum

You dont get any context other than these ily all

[lightnersdream]

ok im gonna start with ones i like and molds i like that are returning

first of all these cats the small longhair (first one) is very cute i like the colors and the asymmetrical ear. and the second one is one of my favorite cat molds ever so im so happy to see it back and the third one is kind of not quit there but i really like the purple and the green and the white it reminds me of Seren sort of but the hues are just a little off. still good i want it

they returned deer which i think are very cute and didn't get enough pets originally and eye symbols !? AND FOXES ARE BACK !!! a couple of these new ones have symbols as a weird rarity thing i think but it doesnt actually mean anything. and i just think the woodpecker and snow leopard is cute and the baby skunk/squirrel (they used it interchangably) is so good colorwise

on molds ive never fucking seen before in my life: i admire their dedication to pulling very strange, late-game molds that only got used once or twice (especially from the petriplet sets, they returned the polar bear baby molds as well). i had to scour the website for that turtle mold ive NEVER seen it before

they used the wolf body with the husky head to make a standing mold and its too shaggy for a husky but you know what. resourceful. even though there was already a standing mold made for this head ! im surprised they havent returned the last husky mold because it was only ever used 3 times (one as a g4 blind bag, so two times) but theyve used this one several times now

AND THE NEW MOLDS... YES THERE'S TWO NEW MOLDS!!! i'm mixed on them. theyre cute! the sloth feels like it's closer to that late g3 feel, and the capybara is a little... odd, but it's a hard face shape to work with in this style. i think my main thing is the eyes don't feel sculpted enough into the heads? there's a bump for the eye, but it's hard to explain. on original molds the eyes were often "sunken in"?

big image so you can see it, but if you look you can see they have a sculpted "in-set" effect, to closer mimic the effect of glass eyes and stuff (they did do a couple of those in the original runs, too!), with the sort of curved cheek and ring around the eye that slopes inward. the newer molds are more sticker-like: they have a raised area for the eye to go, but lack the sculpted in-set effect which is making them look more off compared to the originals than they actually are. it's easiest to see that on the capybara but the sloth actually looks a little closer but still too flat (though it's hard to tell based on the -2 pixel image i have

and the other thing you may have noticed is the

REALLY strange color choices they keep doing? i like bright, colorful oversaturated 'ugly' color palettes but i am kind of confused what the thought process is behind some of these. especially the first usage of their capybara molds being so bright and random and the woodpecker's blue beak? and the kiwi is cute, but the orange is just Too orange and the blue and yello is just Too Much its all very very very saturated. in irl pics its a little better but still clearly really saturated paint that looks like A lot, like the shades are just a little off where they should be

also i cant find pictures but there's supposed to be two new toucans and a PEACOCK so win for me

[asiogie]

I want the penguin in Minecraft

im going 2 be very honest and i need u guys to be so incredibly kind to me

i know the penguin is georges thing and it would be cute but im just so underwhelmed by it like i kinda dgaf about going faster in boats they already go fast enough

and they're probably gonna be in ice biomes i never go to hanging out with polar bears i also never see

[corntort]

OK POLARITY THOUGHT INFO DUMP

bear in mind lectro can't really sing Super Well he just challenged void because it'd be fun and he can still hold a rhythm. he just wants to kinda riff off of voids (quite literal) supernatural ability to sing incredibly quickly and with actual pitch and melody.

he's generally really competitive and just wants to see what the guy is made of! obviously void sees this as kind of an insult because. well she's void. that's just how it's gonna be

at around 0:56 is when void kind of makes it apparent he's gonna take this seriously. there's no other way he will take it. and void kinda goes "eh... i meant to just have fun.... but yknow what? i'll match your energy. sure. let's get Serious bud!"

1:50 is where the seriousness reaches it's peak. lectro, while he cant sing, he is a lyrical genius and can rap off the top of his head really good, whereas void can struggle on the lyrical front a little but can hold a tune very well and this is where theyre REALLY IN IT. void to the point of almost getting heated enough to start growing instable. lectro, noticing this, puts an end to it at 2:25, which leads me to my next point!

2:25 is where lectro offers a kind of musical peace offering, singing to void the leitmotif to event horizon, to which in void's opinion is his most prized work. to kinda imply "hey, i'm a fan of your work! this battle has only made me more impressed with your skill!

with this void kind of snaps out of it, singing his melody back to him with his usual ego back in full swing, going back to his usual smug facade

void then sings his other leitmotif (also from event horizon) to kinda test lectro, and of course lectro does know it, he is actually an admirer but in more of a "i understand your skill and style" kind of way

this loosens void up the most with this, and then he starts actually having fun with lectro, starting to kind of admire him and both appreciate his knowledge of his own music. obviously. he has to get the ego stroke first

after that it just is a fun little battle! theyre both obviously still competing but its just fun jabs and playing off eachothers style

3:12 is when they just ramp up the fun, when void starts letting loose and singing those higher notes, ruffling his hair and letting himself get lost in the tunes (that doesn't go unnoticed by lectro) so when lectro repeats his notes and song its just a good ol time

when that verse ends theyre just circling eachother and riffing and dancing along to the music and getting up close and personal but not as a challenge just as a sense of comraderie and giving into the joy and the moment

void starts deeming this a good point to wrap up, reprising his event horizon motif to end it off on the best note he can (and OBVIOUSLY what better way to end it off than a modified motif from his own music? duh?) lectro obviously happy to oblige

he remixes the tune more, while still keeping the essence the same to end the song off with a nice final verse, and lectro joining in for a final duet with a shared long note, that void cuts himself off to leave lectro singing by himself, where when it clicks he's singing alone he lets out a sudden choked laugh, and the song is done!

as i said before im not super keen on crossover aus (i really like stories standing on their own, finding their own strengths through itself) but this song is really good i couldn't help the urge. and i love lectro and im a void kinnie so WHO CARES!

[komodocomics]

making my own Tumblr year thing

My cats are probably gonna brawl into 2024 lalala

Thinking bout five nights at freddy's

The god damn aroace chicken run image is for sure my top post ever can someone explain why its such a hit

I need to see my Oc komodo mauled by a tractor on a farm for 2024

FUUUUUUUCK 2014 WILL BE TEN YEARS AHO FUUUCK IM GONNA DIE OF OLD AGE AT THE RIP AGE OF THREE MONTHS AND TWO DAYS

what was popular this year cause I've been living under a rock last time I knew what was popular was 2014 and then the 2019 YouTube rewind can someone hold my hand and tell me

I NEED TO MAKE MORE YAOI AND FURRY ART FUUUUUUCK

can someone show me lizards like anything lizard related I need this always and forever

My Tumblr recommendations ruined cause the fnaf wave o 2023

WHO IS BAD BUNNY WHY IS THIS PERSON POPULAR I LEGIT DONT KNOW WHO THIS IS

What the fuck is doctor who about is it good

The door creaks gently as I go to tuck in my three or more fursuits and kiss their fuzzy foam or paper mache heads goodnight

Im gonna schedule this for lik 9 or some shit so I can hide in my polar bear den under the ice as humans go ballistic cause a ball dropped or some shit

New things that happened this year: I did artfight went insane for a month,my blog reproduced via asexually and made three sideblogs Dan Phil and Sam (look at pinned post for the links) ,digital art,fnaf insanity which I still have to draw fnaf movie art but I had fnaf artblock, gmanweatherreport drew bara komodo after requesting I draw bara komodo,I need more things to get obsessed over that isnt half life or fnaf pretty much,

Does anybody know of a video game which was a survival game and u had to collect food and water maybe medicine, it had snow but Idk if it was a weather changing game, I watched this lady on YouTube I think 2016 era and she found this house that looked like hers and too the right of the front entrance was a dog house like her house and a field was also on the right side and something howled I can't remember if there was a monster or just false jumpscares like howling or something falls off a shelf stuff. The path to the house was a dirt road I think but covered in snow more like slush snow tho almost gone and trees were lined up on both sides of the road. Can anyone find that cause I have tried and have not found it. One of my must find games cause I remember it well and thought it was cool. Oh and I think it was like top of the line Xbox 360 graphics style

[just-some-random-blogger]

since im on pc. im going to put a keep reading as a courtesy

[...] You could feel the cool breeze brush up against your thighs and the sun beating down on your skin just from the dusty window

UGH so vivid. i love thighs. i love how literature/art has made me love thighs when i used to hate mine so fucking much. thank you for your contribution to society

You came home one day, telling Joel and Ellie that you traded some old tactical pants for the frilly dress. Joel choked on his morning coffee when he caught a glimpse—Ellie just laughed and laughed. And now, you looked unbelievably perfect, all while you fluttered around the chairs and tables in the Tipsy Bison, talking with friends and newcomers.

as you should queen things. yeS TRADE ALL THAT GROTTY GROSS MAN STUFF GUNS AND FIREARMS FOR THE CUTESTY FRILLIEST HYPERFEM DRESSY DRESS EVER AND MAKE THAT OLD MAN HAVE A HEART ATTACK AND CHOKE ON LIFE ITSELF SLAY

Although, his soft, love-sick eyes started to harden as they continued to follow you. 

IM SO SORRY IM REQUOTING THE WHOLE FUCKING THING BACK TO YOU BUT I CANT HELP IT HES SO GRRR WOOOF BARK PUPPY PITBULL I LOVE HIM I LOVE PITBULLS WOOF AWOOOOOO

The mere sight of someone flirting with you—a shoulder leaning on a support pole with sparkling eyes—was going to send his old bones into a coma. He was sure of it. Joel's chest started to burn from a sizzling rage that crept up to his cheeks. 

HIS OLD BONEEEEEEESSSSSS T_T HES A SENIOR CITIZEN A STALE POWDER CAKE THAT WILL GO WITH THE WIND WITH ONE BLOW PLEASE I LOVE HIM SO MUCH WHY ARE YOU SO ANGRY OLD MAN GO TO BED T_T casually insulting the love of my life <3

You were the exact polar opposite of him. You were a ray of sunshine—a burst of fresh air that knocked the breath out of his lungs. You could handle yourself out there in the depths of survival. He did not doubt that, but you were still warmhearted and sweet. You were what the rest of the world seemed to have forgotten.

tRYING SO HARD NOT TO REQUOTE EVERYTHING I LOVE DUMB BABY GIRLS AND HARDENED CYNICAL FUCKTWADS I LOVE JUXTAPOSITIONS SO MUCH

“Are you gonna do something? Or are you just going to sit here and be ‘old-man’ sad?” 

I just love ellie. ellie baddie. el el rebel love

“Yeah, you are so full of shit.”

ellie and i are one. chew joel's head off. GRRR stOMP HIM. OBLITERATE THIS OLD MAN

Now, in your defense of the flirting, everyone in Jackson knew not to make a move on you. It has been established from the very beginning that you and Joel are made for each other. All you could ever see was each other. Always. 

i love LOVE THAT FOR HERRRRRRRRR CRYING SCREAMING THROWING UP PITBULL!JOEL GO BRRRRR SHE'S MINE [SAD FACE CRYING EMOJI] ☹😭

[...] He wanted you to make friends in this little town you had learned to love.

hE WANTS YOU TO MAKE FRIENDS NO ONE TOUCH ME

“Hi, darlin’.”

His hand ghosted the small of your back, and it almost caused you to shiver. You looked up at him with a pretty smile, opening your mouth to let him in on the conversation. “We were just talking about patrols. I was saying how we saw that bear with the three cubs the other day! and—”

[SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS]

THE BEARSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

“Can we help you?” The man, you knew as Brad, scowled right up at Joel for interrupting the conversation the two of you were having earlier. [...]

huhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH?

Brad rolled his eyes. “Yeah, that’s great. Could he leave now?”

“I have been here with you all fucking night. You think I’d waste my time talking about shitty flowers with you?” His lips curled into a sniveling smirk.

[...] “Why don’t you ditch the old man and come with me, sunshine.”

“If you ever touch her again, I’ll break your fuckin’ arms.” His accent slurred together with each click of his tongue. 

i am DEEPLY disappointed you didnt do that and no one had to peel you off this audacious troll rat. i dont know if its visible BUT I AM SO ANGRY AND DISGUSTED BY THIS MAN I HAD TO SORT OUT SO MANY MEMES BUT I COULDNT FIND ANYTHING THAT MIRRORED THE ABSOLUTE disgust I HAD FOR THIS MAN IN FACT LET ME CURSE HIM IN MY MOTHER TONGUE BOBO KA TITI NG AMA MO WALANG KWENTANG INUTIL HINAYUPAK GAGO ULOL KING AMA MO TANGA

“It’s all my fault.” 

[deep anger; paramount female rage] women continuously suffer at the hands of men and apologize for it never fucking mind the fact society collapsed and were all dangling on a fucking thread men are still predators who take advantage of everything everyone every woman ever because they can [spit]

“Sweet girl,” he almost purred into your mouth, “need you.” 

“Need to hear it, darlin’.” You don’t miss a beat. “Need you, Joel. Please—”

[smexy background music playing]

He bunches up the silky dress, and his eyes shine bright as he sees your pretty laced panties. [...]

girl ur ur ur ur ur ur ur in a wine cellar or some shit GIRL HEEL

You knew by the slow, agonizing pace that his hands seemed to feel you in, Joel was going to fuck you stupid. [...]

CHILE ANYWAY SO CARRY ON

“Fuck. Look at you drippin’ for me.”

Joel cracked his own smile, just for you. He caressed your cheek and rubbed his thumb back and forth. “Let’s go home, sunshine.” 

YES SIR DADDY SIR

Your heart skipped a beat, and you couldn’t help but smile as wide as you could. You knew what that meant—what he was insinuating. A fire lit inside of your chest. Damn, you could never get used to the way Joel would make you feel.

come and get your love || j.m.

chapter one of ain’t no sunshine

pairing || joel miller x f!sunshine!reader

summary || someone across the Tipsy Bison had their hand on you all night. how long will Joel Miller take to do something about it?

author's note || first part of the series! all of the chapters can be read as a stand alone, but they do go in order of a time line. hope you all enjoy &lt;3 4.1k words

warnings || jealousy, insecurities, angst, toxic people, possessiveness, fluff, 10 year age gap (joel is 51), SMUT, praise kink, oral sex (f rec), cunnilingus, fingering, squirting, [18+ only]

series masterlist || masterlist

Hail, with it, baby, 'cause you're fine And you're mine, and you look so divine

Joel’s eyes lingered on your form from across the bustling bar. It was in the middle of a Wyoming summer, so you wore a pretty light blue sundress. You could feel the cool breeze brush up against your thighs and the sun beating down on your skin just from the dusty windows. 

You came home one day, telling Joel and Ellie that you traded some old tactical pants for the frilly dress. Joel choked on his morning coffee when he caught a glimpse—Ellie just laughed and laughed. And now, you looked unbelievably perfect, all while you fluttered around the chairs and tables in the Tipsy Bison, talking with friends and newcomers. 

Although, his soft, love-sick eyes started to harden as they continued to follow you. 

The mere sight of someone flirting with you—a shoulder leaning on a support pole with sparkling eyes—was going to send his old bones into a coma. He was sure of it. Joel's chest started to burn from a sizzling rage that crept up to his cheeks. 

You were as friendly as you could be with a beer in your hand and a laugh escaping your lips. He knew you were oblivious to the flirting. You always have been. 

A couple of years ago, along the endless roads of traveling to get Ellie where she needed to go, Joel had been trying to get your attention for weeks, despite his damn self-sabotage that forced himself to avoid you in the previous months before. Ellie saw through it, though. Tommy saw it too. Hell, even Tess saw through it. The one person who had not seen just how much Joel was infatuated and hopelessly in love with you was, well, you. 

He thought that it was because he was rough and unrestrained. Joel was a jagged edge of a rock that cut deep into anyone that came near him. He thought you might not want to be with him and all of his baggage.

You were the exact polar opposite of him. You were a ray of sunshine—a burst of fresh air that knocked the breath out of his lungs. You could handle yourself out there in the depths of survival. He did not doubt that, but you were still warmhearted and sweet. You were what the rest of the world seemed to have forgotten.

Turns out, though, he couldn't have been more wrong. 

Your mind and body were washed over with every essence of Joel. When his hand was on your back to gently guide you through rugged terrain or when you instinctively grabbed onto his upper arm when a lone stranger bumped into your third-person party—your mind becomes blank.

The only thing, you said when you finally confessed, you could think about was Joel. Your body would freeze, and time would slow, your heart the only exception as it beats so rapidly you thought it might burst. So, in the end, Joel finds himself elated with pride and pure adoration that he was able to make you feel so free—so full of love.

“Are you gonna do something? Or are you just going to sit here and be ‘old-man’ sad?” 

Joel snapped out of his daze, turning his head toward Ellie. She had her eyebrow raised, with a hand on a freshly opened beer bottle. 

“Gimme that.” He muttered under his breath and swiped the bottle away from her. She let out a small, “Hey! You dick!” before huffing in frustration. “You ain’t even eighteen yet.” He slid the bottle over to Maria, who nodded back to Joel. “I’m almost eighteen!”

He huffed, ignoring Ellie’s comment. “And no. She’s got it handled.” 

You were probably the friendliest, kindest person that Ellie had ever met—especially in this shitty, fucked up world. Along the dusty gravel roads of travel, you would hold her hand and swing back and forth as Joel trailed not far behind. At night, you would shuffle your sleeping bag closer to hers, so you could laugh and giggle at her pun book until falling into a distant slumber. In the mornings, when you and Joel were keeping watch, and a lone stranger would interrupt your three-person party, you jumped in front of Ellie and pointed your shotgun at the intruder. You turned quickly, if not instantly, into a mother figure for her. 

So, Ellie knows that you have got it far from handled. She knows you are completely unsuspecting of the person that was practically throwing himself on top of you. 

“Yeah, you are so full of shit.”

Now, in your defense of the flirting, everyone in Jackson knew not to make a move on you. It has been established from the very beginning that you and Joel are made for each other. All you could ever see was each other. Always. 

So, at the end of things, when someone walked up to you with a bright smile and a gleam in their eyes that screamed “please fuck me,” you didn’t think anything of it. Your mind was no doubt in a Joel Miller trance—thoughts rolling over one another about the plains of his skin and the gruff feeling of his patchy beard on your fingertips. But when a newcomer comes along in the commune and gets introduced to everybody, that’s when they try to make their mark on you. 

“She’s fine—”

“You sure, Joel?” His eyes flickered back towards you and saw the newcomer squeeze your forearm. You think nothing of it and crack another joke at who you thought was a new friend, causing them to throw their head back in very exaggerated laughter. 

And now, Joel wasn’t sure at all—not with the bubbled-up feeling that wrapped around his chest and sunk down into his stomach. He grunted out in response to Ellie, who rolled her eyes at his demeanor. Yeah, he was far from sure. 

“Go say something, Grandpa—”

He raised his eyebrow, “hey—”

“Ellie’s right, you know.” Joel’s head whipped around at Tommy’s voice. “She doesn’t even know the guy’s flirting. She’s too trustin’ of people.” 

He gave his older brother a little smile—an all too knowing teasing smile. Joel didn’t say anything, just downing the rest of his whiskey. The ice clunked against the glass, and the two next to him just watched with anticipation. 

“Your brooding is scaring the customers away. Go say somethin’, Joel.”

He ponders for just a moment—mind circling around all of the different thoughts in his brain. He knows you are just fine. He knows you wouldn’t ever do anything of the sort.

If you actually knew that the man was flirting with you, you would stop it immediately. You’re just kind. You just wanted to make friends. He wanted you to make friends in this little town you had learned to love.

Before Joel even knows it, though, he's getting up from the stool. His own heart had taken over his body and ran home with it. He could just barely hear Ellie cheer for the old man to do something. 

His boots were heavy as he walked across the bar, his wrinkled eyes hardening with every step. His heart squeezed at the pure sight of you—a smile almost turning his frown up. That is until the squeezing of his other thoughts from the man right in front of you suffocated his chest. 

“Joel!” 

God, you sounded so sweet. Your eyes lit up so bright he thought he might be blinded. Whatever you were talking about with your new friend, it completely went out the window when you heard the stomps of his boots. 

“Hi, darlin’.” 

His hand ghosted the small of your back, and it almost caused you to shiver. You looked up at him with a pretty smile, opening your mouth to let him in on the conversation. “We were just talking about patrols. I was saying how we saw that bear with the three cubs the other day! and—”

“Can we help you?” The man, you knew as Brad, scowled right up at Joel for interrupting the conversation the two of you were having earlier. Oh, Joel did not like Brad. The scrunch of his nose as he tried to challenge Joel—as if you were a possession—was kicking up a deep rage in his chest. 

Joel opened his mouth to respond but was met with a very enthusiastic smile from you. You looked so excited. “This is Joel! He’s my—”

Brad rolled his eyes. “Yeah, that’s great. Could he leave now?”

Joel’s back stretched at the complete disrespect. He could handle people being mean to him just fine. When it comes to you, however, he wouldn’t tolerate anything of the sort. You were the thread that kept Ellie and Joel sane with your homemade gifts and fluttering smile. No one was going to ruin that on his watch. 

Joel watched as your bright, smiling face fell.

“Oh.” 

You felt your heart deflate from being interrupted again. It took a lot for someone to build you down, and Brad had managed to do it in no time. You thought you had made a new friend to hang out with. You thought you were finally getting along with someone in Jackson. 

Watching your face fall made something click in Joel’s head. His burning glare never left Brad’s face as he continued to run his mouth about Joel ‘needing to leave’ or something like that. This is why he hated newcomers. They think they could take advantage of your kind gestures and bring you down with them. 

Brad looked at you and then Joel—as if something finally fits in his head. He clicked his tongue, “I have been trying to get you home all night. Don’t tell me you were with him the whole time?”

“What?”

You looked bewildered at the insinuation of ever getting with Brad—let alone anyone that isn’t Joel. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

If Joel wasn’t preoccupied with watching Bradley’s every move, he would’ve snorted at your change in demeanor. You could be the biggest angel there is, but there is no doubt a fire lit right inside of you.

“I have been here with you all fucking night. You think I’d waste my time talking about shitty flowers with you?” His lips curled into a sniveling smirk.

Your hand clenched by your side but was caught as Brad’s hand went to tighten itself around your wrist. You tried to wriggle your way out of his grip, but it felt too firm. “Why don’t you ditch the old man and come with me, sunshine.”

Joel saw the hand on your wrist—the bruising grip he had on you. He saw the sickly, lust-filled eyes that the man was giving you. He knew you could handle yourself. You could throw this random man over your shoulder like he was nothing. 

But something struck him even deeper.

Sunshine.

That was what Joel called you in the secret comfort of whispered feelings. It was what Joel called you when you were badly injured, and he needed to disinfect the wound. The first time it popped into his head was when you were dancing around with Ellie underneath the morning sun. The cute nickname just stuck, and it was his.

Only his. 

Joel snapped in an instant. The long years of survival worked quickly in his brain. He bunched up Brad’s collar and shoved him hard against the wooden pole—jolting his hand from your wrist. “Get your fucking hands off of her.”

You gasped at the lightning speed of Joel’s hand on Brad’s chest, but you weren’t too phased. Adrenaline shot through your chest and spread down to your toes—eyes locking on Joel’s crinkled brows and hard-set glare. 

“Yeah? The fuck you gonna do?” Brad spat.

The bar went silent at the altercation, eyes darting to watch the scene play out. You didn’t pay any attention, though. Your eyes were on Joel. Just Joel.

Brad squirms a bit underneath Joel’s stare, but he seems to be trying to remain tough. Joel’s grip never wavered and almost shoved him further into the pole. 

“If you ever touch her again, I’ll break your fuckin’ arms.” His accent slurred together with each click of his tongue. 

You could feel the fire pulsating through his lips; you could feel it radiate off of his clenched fist. Joel squeezed even tighter against his neck, almost suffocating some of the air in Brad’s throat. He then let out a wheeze, eyes widening at just how serious Joel Miller can be. 

“You got it?” Brad’s eyes squinted at Joel before looking into the crowd around him. Terrified of all the stares and the overwhelming frown on people’s faces—and quite frankly, Joel—Brad finally backs off. 

“Got it.” He said under his breath with a slight cough. Joel very slowly let go of his collar in caution of the man. Brad just nodded, now refusing to make eye contact with the two of you, before sauntering off out of the bar.

Not far behind, Tommy and Maria were alert and watched Brad’s every movement. They had both of your backs as soon as they saw Joel shove him into the pole. Even Ellie was on high alert, which almost caused her to grab the knife in her pocket. 

Joel turned to you in an instant. His eyes glossed over your entire form, grasping every single detail to make sure you were okay. His eyes stopped at the slight tear in your favorite dress. He pursed his lips in annoyance, but then his eyes locked onto your wrist. 

“C’mon. I need to see your wrist.”

═ ∘◦❦◦∘ ═

He took you into the back where the aging room was—old barrels full of whiskey and rum stacked high along the walls. He sat you down on a wooden table and went to go find some supplies. 

You sat there, feeling like you were in trouble. Joel hadn’t said a word, and your mind was starting to race at the possibilities of what he was thinking. While it wasn’t abnormal for Joel to act like this, you knew something wasn’t right.

You could see it in his calculating eyes and furrowed eyebrows—the harsh smile lines on his cheeks almost seemed deeper. You could see it in the way that his hand trembled when he moved some papers to the other end of the table.

You felt stupid for not seeing that Brad was flirting with you. God, you felt so dumb. You really thought that you were making a new friend. You felt even dumber that you couldn’t see the hostility in his eyes, either.

What was Joel thinking? Did he hate you? You knew you mistake people’s flirty gestures for friendly acts way too often.

Did it hurt him? Tears started to form on your lash line, and that sunken feeling in your chest only deepened. 

Joel finally came back with a pack of ice and a little box of first aid. He wrapped a rag around the ice so it wouldn’t burn your skin. 

“Here.” He gently placed it onto your skin, and you went to hold it down. You feel your eyebrow twitch in a cringe at the already bruised surface. You hear Joel digging through the kit in haste—no doubt trying to find some kind of ointment.

You closed your eyes. Your chest was heaving up and down at the thought that Joel had to sit here and take care of you, all while you fucked everything up. 

“I’m sorry.”

Joel’s rummaging through the first aid abruptly stopped. He turned to you with confused furrowed brows, but then his eyes widened. He saw your glossy eyes as you tried to avoid his stare. He saw the way your lip slightly wobbled while you tried to hide your emotions.

“It’s all my fault.” 

You said barely under a whisper, but you were on the side of his good ear. He heard you, and damn, his heart couldn’t have been more crushed. You didn’t do a single thing wrong, and yet you blamed yourself.

“It ain’t your fault. None of it was your fault.” He could tell, though, by the look in your eye that you weren’t convinced. He goes to open his mouth, but you beat him to the punch.

“But I should have known!” You flexed out your hand to emphasize the situation. “I should have said something or got the fucking hint!”

You let out a fast breath, eyes darting across the wood floor. His eyes flickered to the ice pack you set back on the table. “I should—I shouldn’t have been so nice! Maybe I could be less—”

Joel snapped back at the realization of what you were going to say. “Don’t you dare.” His hand instinctively lays on top of your thigh. “Don’t you ever change for people like him.”

“But I–” His hand rested so soft on your cheek, and whatever you were going to say died on your tongue. He was inches away from you now, your chests almost touching together. 

“I know my words are shit, but you are everything, darlin’. You are the kindest and brightest person that I’ve ever known.” He finally rested his forehead against yours. “Don’t you even change for me, darlin’.”

You nodded against his forehead with a small smile on your face. You knew he was right. Of course, he was right. Brad was the shithole, not you. 

He leaned in to brush his lips against yours—feverish and light as you felt the scruff of his beard against your cheeks. He licks into your mouth, and you find yourself pulling him in closer from his flannel collar. 

His tongue swirled through your mouth from desperation starting to lock inside his chest. You have made him feel all kinds of things over the years, but pure love was something he still couldn’t get used to. He needed to feel you—needed to touch you. After the searing memory of Brad’s hand on your wrist, he needed to be inside of you.

“Sweet girl,” he almost purred into your mouth, “need you.” 

You nodded into his lips. A whine escaping them seemed to be the only thing that your brain could come up with. In a mere matter of seconds, Joel was able to turn you into a puddle. 

“Need to hear it, darlin’.”

You don’t miss a beat. “Need you, Joel. Please—”

He bunches up the silky dress, and his eyes shine bright as he sees your pretty laced panties. They were dark—a black onyx—that made Joel want to drool. They rested so well on your hips—so tight. He knew there was a wet patch near your core, too.

His nimble fingers shoved your panties aside to dig—just a little—into your dripping folds. He groaned, rough and bold against the plains of your ear. “J-Joel—”

You knew by the slow, agonizing pace that his hands seemed to feel you in, Joel was going to fuck you stupid. He always got slow and steady when he knew he was going to take his sweet, sweet time. 

“Oh! Oh fuck,” the pads of his fingers move to the nub of your clit. They swirled in small circles, and your hands gripped his shoulders so tightly. Your jaw hangs slack as you feel the pleasure blossom through your stomach to your chest.

“That’s it. Yeah. Does that feel good, pretty girl?”

He was smirking, just a little. You could tell by the sound of his voice, but you see the way his lips slightly curled when your eyes flickered up to his.

“Feels so good, Joel—so—so good.” His other hand spread your legs a little wider for him, relishing in the soft pillows of your skin and curves. He gave your thigh a small squeeze before sinking onto his knees.

Your eyes were about to pop out of your head. “Joel—” You warned, honestly concerned about his knees, but the thought quickly left when his other hand shuffled your underwear down to your ankles. He dragged your hips forward so that your ass was hanging just barely off of the wobbly table. 

“Fuck. Look at you drippin’ for me.”

His eyes shined underneath the yellow-hazed lights. His head goes to dip into your folds, and he moans—sending a rough vibration to your folds. You tasted just the same—earthy and sour and so so sweet.

His hand dug into your thigh—the pad of his thumb was pressing deep into your skin. His tongue flicked and swirled to gather up that slick that dripped from your folds. He felt addicted to you—you tasted, felt, looked, and sounded so ethereal. 

“Oh, Joel—” He could have you on his tongue for the rest of his fucking life. The way you call out his name—hands desperately grabbing at his salt and peppered hair and whimpers leaving your lips. “F-Fuck, I–”

Your brain became even mushier with each flick and whirl of his tongue around your folds. “Can’t get enough of this pussy.” He gruffed.

His mouth moved to your swollen clit, and your hips involuntarily jumped—slightly closing around his head. He pried your thighs open with his rough, used hands before shoving them over his shoulders. 

You didn’t have time to react, though. Not when he was moving a finger to tease your folds. “Joel! Oh my god—” You could only whimper and shout his name. You moan, you gasp, and you whimpered even more. 

It’s all you could think about. Joel Joel Joel. He was all you ever seem to think about. 

His finger slid easily into your sopping cunt, and you moaned into the air. His tongue lapped and sucked against your swollen nub—finger simultaneously curling into you.

“Oh, Joel, I-I can’t—”

His mouth left you, only for a moment, but a whine escaped your lips.

“Gonna cum already, darlin’? Hmm?” He inserted another finger without warning, giving that even longer stretch of your walls. 

You gasped, nonsense mumbling from your tongue. He was sure you said his name in there somewhere. He felt his cock twitch at the sparkle in your eyes and the essence of ecstasy that stretched across your glistening, sweaty skin. His long, thick fingers fucked into over and over—tongue swirling across your pretty little clit.

“C’mon, cum for me. That’s it. You’re such a good girl—my good girl.” You hiccuped, head slung back as your walls continued to clench around his fingers. “You can do it, hmm? Cum on my mouth, sunshine.”

You gasped loudly—body short-circuiting and spasming as the orgasm washed over your entire body. Joel’s name was like a mantra stuck on your tongue. Your body felt white-hot and sticky as your juices flushed against Joel’s chin and your inner thighs. 

Sunshine. Sunshine. You heard that over and over again. He watched with those thick eyes as you came undone. And wow, you looked so pretty. Your gasps and moans, your body shuddering from the shattering pleasure that spreads up and down your body. He wants to remember moments like this instead of the dark ones. 

As you came down from your high, you looked down at Joel. Your strong legs pulled him in a bit closer, and you leaned down to press a kiss to his nose. He just looked up at you—no doubt he had the biggest heart eyes on you that anyone had ever seen. 

You started to laugh from the enormous high—cum running down your legs and the fact that not even fifteen minutes ago, you were hassled by another man. The whole situation seemed funny to you now. 

Joel cracked his own smile, just for you. He caressed your cheek and rubbed his thumb back and forth. “Let’s go home, sunshine.” 

You weren’t even sure he caught himself the second time when he called you that. It just flowed off of his tongue so easily.

Your heart skipped a beat, and you couldn’t help but smile as wide as you could. You knew what that meant—what he was insinuating. A fire lit inside of your chest. Damn, you could never get used to the way Joel would make you feel.

He grumbled under his breath. “Shut up. I got it.”

Yeah, he definitely didn’t. He needed your help not two seconds later, but you wouldn’t have it any other way.

You were Joel’s. Joel was yours.

[upperranktwo]

hey there, its your animanga secret santa!!! this message is gonna be pretty short since im SUPER duper busy this week, but i still wanted to check in (and not leave you hanging like last time, sorry abt that,,,,,)

ANYWAYS ANYWAYS how has your week been? have that cold and earache you mentioned gotten any better? AND HOWS THE NEW FLAT??? thats so exciting dude im so thrilled for you!!!

and ofc for your usual questions, just some more fun ones this time!! do you have any particular favorite holiday traditions (whether you participate in them or not)? what's your favorite part of winter? and lastly, do you enjoy winter scented candles?

anyways, thats all from me, ty for answering and i hope your week goes well!!!

Heyyyaa!

My nose isn't stuffy anymore but I still have a cough :( it has gone down a bit so i'm getting better! My ear isn't hurting me anymore but I still can't hear the best:( I'm HoH anyway so it's something I'm used to! And my flat is so cute! I've been moving stuff non stop but tomorrow I should be done with that and I can finally decorate!!! It's so strange being on my own at night and not being able to see a family member when I go to get a drink 😭 but I'm getting a little used to it!!!

Winter is my favourite season ♡♡ I adore it! As for traditions, I love putting lights around the place, having hot drinks, decorating the tree (I helped my dad with his in early November!), gift giving and watching Christmas versions of shows my family enjoy!!! Another tradition we follow is on Christmas eve we take the kids in the family out to look at all the Christmas lights in the area! We would go and look at them when we were little and we decided to keep it up with my niece and nephews! (We do a lot of stuff iandjsjdos)

My favourite thing about winter is the frosty vibes, being wrapped up warm, the lights everywhere, i'm also someone who actually likes the sun going down at like 3pm... and all of the cute penguin and polar bear themed things 🥺

And FINALLY! I love winter scented candles! We've been buying cinnamon ones a lot lately (and incense) and every year I buy my dad a spiced apple candle! I also really like gingerbread scents around this time of year!

I feel like I rambled a lot 😭 but hopefully that answered all your questions!!! I hope you have a wonderful weekend 💖

[ask-aph-angel-canada]

im literally living proof you can still look good during a quarter-life crisis

[mojang-officialer]

What mob would do the best job of opening a coconut im asking for friend

so i thought about this a little bit too much and made a list of which mobs could either open a coconut, possibly open a coconut, or could not open a coconut, containing every single mob that has ever been in the game.

details below the cut

first some rules.

i've left out all passive mobs that aren't interesting, because you don't need pages of me saying every fish can't break a coconut.

all mobs are considered to have spawned with default equipment, nothing chance-based like enchanted weapons or armor on zombies, as that would be unfair.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

- Villager/Wandering Trader/Illagers: All of these would be able to break open a coconut. Illagers are proof that villager-type bodies CAN uncross their arms, but simply choose not to. They are also capable of tool usage, and some villages spawn with stonecutters. However, this feels kind of cheap, so I'm putting them here, as it's not really a NATURAL ability to break the coconut so much as it is the tool's ability to break the coconut.

- Any fish: I appreciate the enthusiasm, but no.

PASSIVE MOBS

- Horse/Cow/Donkey/Other hooved mobs: POSSIBLY. While I do think a horse could potentially build up enough force to break a coconut by trampling it, as someone who knows horses IRL, I am also relatively confident that they would also break their leg while doing it, because horse leg bones are made out of paper and glass. Cows and other hooved mobs MIGHT be able to crack it but I doubt they'd be able to build enough force.

- Baby Piglin: POSSIBLY. Babies do not use tools, but gold tools would probably be too soft to break open a coconut anyways. That said, those tusks are pretty strong, and while I'm not sure if a baby could use them to open a coconut, I'm going to say that baby piglins cannot.

- Turtle: A snapping turtle IRL definitely COULD break a coconut. Unfortunately the turtles in Minecraft are sea turtles, which do not have jaws as powerful as the snapping turtle.

NEUTRAL MOBS

- Bee: What's it gonna do, sting it open?

- Cave Spider/Spider: Technically neutral during the daytime. Sadly not able to open a coconut as a spider's mandibles, while effective at eating small insects, are completely useless for cracking open something armored like a coconut.

- Dolphin: This is in the neutral mobs section on the wiki for some reason. Sadly, no. Their jaws can eat fish but that's about it.

- Enderman: This one is interesting. An Enderman hits relatively hard, considering its weak-looking arms, and they are able to carry whole blocks, unique among mobs, but they can only carry relatively light blocks, so that doesn't help them. Their teleportation is obviously useless here. Ultimately, I will say that YES, an Enderman can in fact break a coconut, but with one caveat- they have to be angry. The open jaw of an Enderman is like a nutcracker, and if that closes on a coconut, I am near-positive it would break.

- Goat: A goat's charge could definitely carry enough force to break open a coconut. HOWEVER, it would have to be against a wall, otherwise it would just be launched. So, I'll put goats down as 'POSSIBLY'.

- Iron Golem: An iron golem does damage primarily through gravity, by launching its targets into the air and dropping them. Unfortunately, coconuts are designed to survive long falls from atop coconut trees. Iron golems would not be able to open a coconut.

- Llama: While llama spit does a surprisingly high amount of damage, it is not enough to break a coconut.

- Piglin/Piglin Brute: A piglin would be able to open a coconut. Their gold tools are basically useless in this scenario, but their tusks are not.

- Panda: Pandas can only eat bamboo. They are too weak to eat anything else. So no.

- Polar Bear: Look me in the eyes and tell me a polar bear wouldn't be able to open a coconut. It's heavy, it has claws. One of the few mobs I have to say would ALWAYS be able to open a coconut.

- Wolf: Sadly, wolves are too small to be able to open a coconut. The same goes for all cats.

HOSTILE MOBS

Remember, the goal is to OPEN the coconut, not to destroy it in any other way.

- Blaze: If the coconut is ashes, it is no longer a coconut. It is also not open.

- Zombie/Husk/Drowned: Zombies have such weak hits that it takes a full crowd of them to kill an unarmored player. There is no way those arms would be able to hurt a coconut. This includes zombie villagers.

- Creeper: POSSIBLY. While the creeper's explosion MIGHT open the coconut, it also has equal odds to launch the coconut away or to vaporize it.

- Elder/normal Guardian: It does not have any method of physical attack, and the eye beam and psychic powers, while cool, will not help it open a coconut.

- Endermite: No.

- Evoker: While these do fall under the honorable mentions category from earlier, I felt it was worth mentioning that the metal jaws they summon from the ground are DEFINITELY enough to break a coconut, even without using tools.

- Ghast: Same issue as the creeper, but even less consistent due to their ranged method of attack.

- Hoglin: Hoglins do a COMICALLY large amount of damage. They also have enormous tusks. They would definitely be able to open a coconut, though babies might have a hard time with it.

- Magma Cube: Ashes are not a coconut.

- Phantom: Now, normally I would say that they could break a coconut, as they could pick up the coconut, fly up very high, and drop it from above. Unfortunately, phantoms do not have arms.

- Ravager: Yes. Have you SEEN those jaws?

- Shulker: It would take multiple shulkers to open a coconut, as they'd need to hit it continuously to re-apply levitation, until it was high enough for it to break when it falls. That said, it's possible for a single shulker to break a coconut, just not as consistent.

- Silverfish: A silverfish can bury through stone. They would be fine burying through a coconut. That said, I'm not certain if that counts as breaking it open, so I'll put them down as POSSIBLY, though of course it's open to interpretation.

- Skeleton: An arrow cannot break through a coconut when fired from a bow that small. A crossbow, maybe. But not the default Minecraft bow.

- Slime: Slimes are too bouncy. All the force would just launch the coconut away.

- Vex: A vex alone is too small to open a coconut.

- Witch: A potion of harming cannot break a coconut as it has no physical force.

- Wither Skeleton: Maybe. A stone sword could break open a coconut, but a skeleton can't hit with much force, and most of their damage comes from the wither status effect. Now, if that applied to a plant, it would probably rot the coconut. This is destruction, but it does not break the coconut open.

- Zoglin: Hoglins but even more forceful and evil. They would break a coconut.

BOSSES:

- Ender Dragon: The coconut would fall into the void from the knockback and disappear. Not open, technically. Dragon breath is not physical damage and as such would be useless.

- Wither: The coconut no longer exists.

UPCOMING:

- Warden: Those jaws on its chest are impressive, and the strength of its attacks are pretty strong, too (at least in its current, unfinished state). It would almost certainly be able to break open a coconut, but due to its blindness, would probably have a hard time finding it to begin with.

UNUSED/REMOVED:

- Giant: A giant cannot attack and as such would not be able to open a coconut, except maybe by accidentally stepping on it.

- Zombie horse: Same as horses, but more persistent. Also would break its leg.

- Killer Bunny: While those teeth are great at chewing through flesh, canon (Monty Python) shows it cannot chew through heavier armor or a human skeleton, and as such it would be useless against a coconut.

- Illusioner: Coconuts cannot see illusions because they cannot see.

- Pigman: Pigmen were never actually implemented. Only their textures were in the game, and as such they would not be able to break a coconut due to not having a physical form. The same applies to red dragons.

- Human: A 'human' would only do the amount of damage a player's fist would deal, so no dice there. Opening a coconut with your bare hands without using some kind of tool is impossible.

- Rana (& other humanoids): Rana and other removed early humanoid mobs could not open a coconut, as despite their less-blocky artstyle, they were incapable of holding any object.

...and that should be every mob that has ever been in the game.